#a friend of mine discouraged me from playing it when it came out at the time

[evilblot]

Bitch I might, I MIGHT!!

[on-my-vigilante-sht]

Delicate

Luke Castellan x Reader

Summary: "Is it chill that you're in my head? / Cause I know that it’s delicate"

Warnings: Angst, death, major series spoilers for people who haven't finished the books

Word Count: 2.1k

Masterlist

Sometimes I wonder, when you sleep / Are you ever dreaming of me?

Luke could admit to himself he wanted his best friend. He had for a long time. In fact everyone could see it, except for her. She seemed blissfully unaware of any feelings Luke had to the point that it made him nervous she was doing it on purpose. But if he couldn’t have her, he’d take the next best thing of being her friend. As long as she was in his life.

It was supposed to be bonfire night but Luke and Y/M had snuck off to the beach. They lay next to each other, staring up at the stars. Well, she was looking up at the stars, Luke was looking at her. They talked for hours about nothing until she finally dozed off.

Given the strict rules about curfew, Luke hardly ever got to see his best friend’s peaceful expression as she slept. Her face relaxed, unburdened by the perils of being a demigod. And as the two oldest at camp, they had a lot of perils.

Luke reached out, stroking her hair. That elicited a content sigh from her and he wondered if she was aware it was him. He wondered if she thought about or dreamed about him nearly as much as he did her. He had an ever present fantasy of absolutely sweeping her off her feet in a moment of glory. One of his favorites was after he won capture the flag, he’d march right up to her, wrapping an arm around her waist and just kiss her.

But of course that would never happen so he kept it stashed in the back of his mind.

He let her sleep for a few more minutes before he finally woke her up. “Hey, you gotta get up or the harpies will get us,” he laughed softly, shaking her awake.

She groaned but opened her eyes nonetheless.

Sometimes when I look into your eyes / I pretend you're mine all the damn time

Her eyes. Luke could probably get lost in them forever. He didn’t even need to watch the stars. He’d much rather watch the reflection of them in her eyes.

Unfortunately, the moment was ruined by one of the Athena boys. “Oh, hey Luke. Um, I just came to find Y/N. Chiron said late curfew starts in five minutes.”

“Really?” she asked, sitting up. “How long was I asleep?”

Luke felt his face get hot. He actually had no idea, he had completely lost track of time while watching her. “Uh not long. I just didn’t want to wake you,” he tried to play it off smoothly.

She gave him a soft smile, her hand finding his knee. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to waste your night.”

“No, no, no,” he quickly corrected. “You’re never a waste of time.”

“So um,” the Athena boy cut in awkwardly. “You want me to walk you to your cabin, Y/N? It’s right across from mine.”

Luke felt a surge of possessiveness. This guy clearly liked her. But before she could answer, Luke did it for her. “We’ll head over in a few minutes but thanks,” he tried to dismiss him.

The boy looked discouraged but tried to play it off. “Oh- uh ok.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Y/N offered, feeling bad for him. He immediately brightened with a smile before retreating back to his cabin.

Luke hated that she always seemed to leave the door open for other guys. They had had numerous conversations about the boys that liked her so he knew she wasn’t doing it on purpose. She just felt bad outright rejecting them so her sugar coating often came across as a signal to try harder. He just wished he could make it clear to them she was taken. Of course, she wasn’t his (yet).

Once Luke was sure he was out of earshot, he brought the topic up again. “He likes you.”

“No he doesn’t,” she immediately dismissed.

“Yes he does, and you trying to make him feel better about rejecting him doesn’t make it any better.”

“I didn’t reject him, you did.”

“Because I know you don’t like him.”

“Who says I don’t like him?” she shrugged.

Luke’s heart stopped. He had been playing defense so well for so long now that it hadn’t even occurred to him that she could like someone else. “What?”

She just shrugged again. “Who’s to say I don’t like him? You chased him away before I could get a word in.”

“D-do you like him?” Luke’s heart was pounding in his chest.

“No, but I’m just saying-”

“Gods, Y/N!” Luke interrupted in relief. “Don’t scare me like that.”

A satisfied look crossed over her face. “Why is that scary?”

He sent her a playful glare. “You know.”

“Tell me,” she pressed.

Is it cool that I said all that? / Is it chill that you're in my head?

Luke’s heart was pounding in his chest. She had basically already confirmed she was into him but the fear still lingered in his chest. He just had to say the words and he’d have his fantasy. She’d be his.

“I like you, Y/N. I have for a long time. I was just always scared you’d… I don’t know, reject me. Or think I was being stupid. But I like you.” Luke looked at her nervously, unsure of what she’d say. His heart was still pounding even when she leaned over and kissed him. As she tried to pull away for air, Luke’s hands found their way to her face, keeping her close. “I’m not done yet,” he mumbled against her lips, eliciting a giggle.

Long night with your hands up in my hair / Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs

That night Luke really didn’t want to leave her but Y/N wasn’t willing to break the rules just yet. He had spent the entire walk back to the cabins trying to convince her to sneak into the Hermes cabin. “Please, I swear no one will snitch on you.”

She laughed, intertwining her fingers into his. “Well what about my siblings when they see I’m not in bed? What will the children think?” By now they reached Cabin 7.

“The children can think whatever they want,” Luke smiled, pressing a kiss to her lips. It was late but several campers were still awake. Word of the couple would spread like wildfire and by the morning, even Chiron would know about the new couple.

But spending every night separately wouldn’t last for long. Y/N normally spent the evenings in the Hermes cabin where they had somehow managed to smuggle many forbidden things in. Like video games and junk food. And every night when the conch blew, signaling that curfew was soon, Luke begged her to stay. “Come on, no one will tell. Will you?” he asked his siblings.

That received a resounding “No!” swearing they’d keep our secret. She looked around the room, her resolve crumbling after weeks of this. “Fine,” she agreed. So many cheers erupted you’d think she just agreed to marry him. “But!” she waited for them to quiet down, “I’m still a counselor and I have to make sure everyone else is in bed.” Luke pouted but let her go nonetheless, promising to drag her back to Cabin 11 if she didn’t come back.

So after putting all the younger kids to bed, Y/N snuck back to Cabin 11. She found it dark but made her way to Luke’s bed. As she reached it, Luke could recognize the outline of her created by the moonlight. “Finally, I was just about to come break down your door.”

“Ha ha,” she laughed sarcastically. “Scoot over,” Luke obliged, sliding against the wall to create room. She slipped under the covers, settling against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, embracing her tightly, his face buried in her hair.

“‘M glad you’re staying,” he mumbled. “Feel like it’s easier to fall asleep when you’re with me.” He didn’t say it out loud but he liked having the assurance that she was safe in his arms as they slept.

“Me too,” she mused, her eyes already closed. “But I’ll say you kidnapped me if we get caught.”

“Okay,” Luke chucked. “You can blame me.”

My reputation's never been worse, so / You must like me for me

But those nights were gone now. Luke made his choice but so did she.

“Isn’t it messed up how the gods neglect their kids?” Luke asked as casually as possible, staring out at sea, his fingers tracing the dock.

“Yeah,” she mused. “Can you imagine being an omnipotent, immortal being but you can’t even take the time to tell your kid they belong to you? I mean, Apollo’s been pretty good about it but the others…?”

The pressure in Luke’s chest lessened as she more or less agreed with him. “Or how they treat us as disposable puppets? Like pawns?” He watched her face carefully as she considered it.

“What do you mean?”

Here we go. Luke began chipping at any remaining loyalty she had to the gods. “Well think about it. Thalia? Her godly parents could have saved her. Every demigod who died? Their parent could have saved them. My quest was a joke. All Hermes wanted me to do was repeat one of Heracles’ labors.”

She looked deep in thought. “I guess but why are you asking me about this?”

He took a deep breath before lacing his fingers in hers. “I’ve been uh… talking to someone.” She didn’t say anything but her furrowed brow urged him to continue. “I’ve been told that things don’t have to be the way they are. We don’t have to wait around until we’re killed. The Titan Lord could restore-”

“Shut up right now!” her frightened voice cut him off. She pulled her legs out of the water, shifting her sitting position to face him directly. “Luke! What- how- why are you doing this? So what if you can’t rely on the gods? You certainly can’t trust Kronos anymore.”

He gently grasped her hands. “Y/N, he promised every demigod that joins him immortality and safety. We wouldn’t have to cower in a summer camp with children who most likely won’t make it to their 18th birthdays. Please, come with me.”

She shook her head. “I can’t.” That broke his heart. “Luke, I love you. I really do. But I can’t let you go down this path.”

Through his internal struggle with Kronos, Luke could see Y/N staring at him, pain in her eyes. He gripped Annabeth’s knife tightly, saying a silent goodbye to everyone he loved and a curse to Kronos. “I love you,” he tried to say to her but it came out strained. The blade sunk into his only vulnerable spot under his arm—his Achilles heel.

“No!” he heard her yell. But he was already on the ground, beginning to lose consciousness at the fatal blow. But Y/N was kneeling over him, tears leaving tracks on her dirty face. “No, no, no,” she mumbled. “Why, Luke?” she practically screamed in frustration.

He reached up, wiping her tears and some dirt from her face. “Do you still love me? After everything I did?”

“Of course I love you!” she cried. “I never stopped.”

Despite the pain, he was smiling. “I love you too. I’ll see you in Elysium.”

She nodded, trying to smile too but the sobs were clawing their way of her throat. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Not too soon,” he insisted. “I love you, Y/N.”

Masterlist

[pensat-i-fet]

A Manchester Affair (Rúben Dias): Chapter 9

Chapter 8

Chapter 10 

Masterlist

Wattpad

By the time the international break came up, Rúben was more than ready to go to Portugal and spend some time away from Manchester. Knowing that Lucía was still in the same building as him but not seeing her was killing him. He knew he should talk to her, but he still couldn't face her and what might happen when they talked. What if she had moved on already? And that’s why he pretended not to be home all the times she knocked on his door. She now did it less and less often, probably discouraged by the absence of a response. He liked to imagine he wanted to fix things but couldn’t be sure that was the reason for her wanting to talk.

So yes, going to Portugal was exactly what he needed. 

The day after arriving at camp, he was training with the rest of the team when Dalot approached him for one of the exercises they needed to couple up for. It was a bit surprising for him because they’d never been paired before. It’s not that they weren’t friends but they both had other people in the squad they got on better with.

“You ok?”, asked Rúben.

“I am, yeah. You?”

“I’ve been better, I guess”.

“We need to talk, Rúben”.

“What do you mean?”, he asked, surprised.

“We need to talk about someone we both know and what’s going on between you two”.

Rúben’s face was of pure shock. Not so much because of his teammate's request, but the fact that Lucía had told someone else about the two of them. And she told Diogo? It felt a bit random since she never mentioned him as one of her better friends in the squad. But then he remembered how many times Lucía told him she was going to be late for their dates because she was out with Diogo’s girlfriend. So maybe that’s why he knows.

“Did she tell you to talk to me?”

“No”, laughed Diogo. “I don’t think she’ll appreciate it but I’m tired of seeing her looking sad. And now I see you and you look as miserable as she does. So if I can at least try to help…”, he shrugged. 

“How much do you know?”

“All of it”.

Ok, this should be a fun conversation.

**

After training, all the players showered and got ready for an afternoon off. Most of them had family visiting them, so that’s what they did before dinner time arrived. Rúben himself was going to be meeting his family, who could notice there was something wrong with him. But just assumed he was tired.

“Do you want me to go to your room after dinner or do you want to come to mine?”, asked Diogo.

“Mine is ok”.

“Cool”, he said smiling.

He was still very confused by the whole situation. But there was a part of him that was very excited about this conversation. What if Diogo could actually fix this? He mentioned Lucía being sad, so that meant she hadn’t moved on. Maybe there was hope.

It would be such a surprising thing but maybe it was Diogo who helped them. Rúben didn’t care as long as things were fixed. He had been miserable since they fought. He had only found solace in playing football. And even that was starting to be affected by their current situation. 

He almost gave away a penalty in his last match for City that could have cost the team the victory and had both Stones and Pep screaming at him for it. Asking him where his head was at. Well, it was on the red side of Manchester. That's where. But they wouldn’t understand that. Maybe Pep could, but a lot would have to be explained to him before.

“Come in!”, Rúben said when he heard a knock on his door.

“I hope you don’t feel like I’m intruding”, said Diogo, taking a seat in Rúben’s bed. “But I care about you both and seeing you wasting this opportunity to be together makes me sad”.

“It's ok. I do appreciate it”.

“Rúben, Lucía likes you. You. Not Scott, not me, not anyone else. I asked her about Scott actually, when she told me about you. And she denied it again. And honestly, after seeing the way she talks about you both, it’s clear to me she was telling the truth”.

“I can believe that there is nothing between them, Diogo, but the problem is her not opening up to me. I know I accepted the sex and nothing more deal, but it’s not that now. I don’t think it’s ever been just that”.

“I get your point”.

“But she doesn’t allow us to move forward. Whenever I try to take another step forward, she pushes me two steps back. I get she’s afraid of feeling something for someone again but I can’t do this anymore. She’s probably shared more about herself with you than with me”, said Rúben, relieved he was finally able to let all these feelings out. He really need to speak to someone but hadn’t realised it until he started to talk.

“That’s what Claudia told her. That she needed to talk to you and really open up and show you why she’s acting the way she is. I don’t know her whole story. I don’t think anyone other than our coach knows. Maybe yours does too but she’s the one who has to tell you. We can’t ask them”.

Rúben kept on thinking about all the things his teammate was telling him, trying to find a solution somewhere.

“So”, he started, “what do I do know?”

“Well, have you tried talking to her after your fight?”

“No, I’ve been avoiding her”.

Diogo sighed. “I get it but that’s no way to solve anything. Talk to her the moment you get back to Manchester, ok?

“I will. Thanks, mate”.

“Happy to help”, said Diogo with a smile. “But don’t talk about this with Bruno. He doesn’t know about it yet. Only Scott and I know at United”.

“What was Scott’s reaction?”, asked Rúben, not being able to hide his curiosity.

“Well, he finally understood why you were so aggressive to him for no reason at the derby”, chuckled Diogo. “But he doesn’t have any of those types of feelings for her either, mate. He cares about her a lot. And wants her to be happy. He was telling her to open up to you before knowing who you were, actually. He’s not your enemy and never has been”.

That actually made Rúben feel a bit stupid. He was so focused on being jealous, that he lost his professionality at a match. He guessed an apology was due on the next derby.

A part of him wanted to text Lucía now. To let her know about how he felt and that he wanted to fix things. But it wasn’t how he should do it. He knew he had to wait until he was back in Manchester and do things properly. Just like he should have done from the very beginning. 

**

The international break didn’t mean Lucía had no work to do, but it meant having a couple of days off. Both she and Erik used those to go back to The Netherlands, but once there, they separated. She was really looking forward to spending some time with her friends that she had missed so much since moving to Manchester. 

“Hi!!! We’ve missed you!”, said Lena when she opened the door of her apartment.

“I’ve missed you too”, said Lucía, giving her a hug.

“Are you ready to party?? Everyone is coming to Amsterdam just to see you”.

“More than ready!”

She wasn’t necessarily a party animal, but if there was a time when she needed to let loose and maybe drink a bit more than usual, it was now.

The weeks after her fight with Rúben were the worst she’d had since breaking up with her ex. Actually, this was even worse because now she was to blame too. And that made the hurting even worse.

Lucía felt like she was finally ready to talk to Rúben, or at least try. But he didn’t want to see her. He ignored her calls, and her texts and always pretended not to be home when she knocked on his door.

One time, as she was going down the stairs, she heard Jack go to see him and waited to see if Rúben would open the door for him. And of course, he did. It was just her he didn’t want to see. It almost made her give up but she couldn’t.

“I told Pauline to make sure Laurens isn’t there”, said Lena, getting Lucía out of your thoughts about Rúben.

“Why would he be there?”

“He isn’t with Sarah anymore and has been hanging out here again. I’m not happy about it but, you know, others forget quickly”.

She couldn’t deny it hurt her to know that her friends accepted him back into their group after what he did to her but, if she was being honest with herself, it was mostly Lena and Peter she was really friends with. The rest of the group had a different type of friendship with Lucía. And Laurens was very charismatic. That’s how he managed to fool so many people.

“It’s ok. I’ve moved on”.

“Have you?”, said Lena, surprised. 

“Sit down. We need to talk”.

Talking to Claudia was good, but Lena knew her even better. And she really needed to catch her up with everything that had been going on since her move to Manchester.

"If anyone asked me who I thought was incapable of doing this friends with benefits thing, I would have said you. What were you thinking?"

“I wasn’t thinking, Lee. That’s the problem”, she said, covering her face with her hands.

"It'll be ok. You'll talk at some point and fix it. But you need to tell him everything. I know opening up to Laurens only caused you pain but not everyone is like him. Not everyone uses someone's trauma to their own advantage. I would never do that, for example. So talk to him ok? And invite me over when you make up. I need to give my approval".

Talking to Lena always brought a smile to Lucía’s face. And she was right. It was time, to be honest. Fully honest.

**

A couple of hours, and a couple of cocktails, into the night, Lucía finally felt free. Her mind was empty and she was just enjoying her time with some friends. But good things always come to an end.

"Hi Schatje!"

She would have recognised that voice and that nickname anywhere. The sound of Laurens’ voice made her stop walking towards the toilets and she turned to face her ex-boyfriend.

"What do you want?", she said, harshly.

"Oh come on. Don't tell me you're still mad", he said in his smooth tone. He really knew how to charm people.

"About you dating me for a whole year and probably cheating during those 12 months? Yeah, well, it was a bit annoying, you know?"

"Schatje…"

"Stop calling me that! I'm not your treasure. I’m nothing of yours".

"But you could be", he said, backing her until her back hit the wall. She could see his hand approaching her face and when she felt him caressing her cheek, her body shuddered. "See? There is still something there".

"That was me being repulsed by your touch, Laurens", told him Lucía, slapping his hand away. "Not me being turned on by you. That ship sailed already".

"Really? Do you have someone new in Manchester? Maybe a footballer? Do you know how I never believed that you didn't sleep with any at Ajax? I'm sure that now you're single, you are really having a great time with your new squad. And who could blame them?"

His hand was now on her bum. And she pushed him away from her with all of her strength.

"You disgust me".

"You'll be back in my bed before you go back to your footballers. And you know it!"

"I rather die".

Lucía left him there, not even daring to enter the toilets just in case he followed her.

"You ok?", asked Peter when he saw her face.

"Laurens is here".

"What did he do to you? I'll kill him!"

"Don't! Not worth it. I just want to go home. He killed the mood".

"I'll go get Lena", he said, leaving Lucía with the rest of the group for a second.

"Let's go", said Lena, grabbing her hand and walking her outside, where the taxis were parked.

**

“You sure you are ok?”, Lena said after making Lucía a cup of hot chocolate and giving her the softest blanket to put around her shaking body.

“I am, don’t worry. I let him affect me too much again, but…it’s different now. I feel like months ago, I would have been an absolute mess. Now I’m just angry”.

“Cause you’re moving on”, she laughed, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Yeah, I guess”, she said, joining her.

And even though she didn’t know it before it happened, she had actually needed to close the Laurens chapter. She needed to have a final confrontation with him to show him how strong she was now. How he hadn’t completely broken her. How she was now ready to move on.

**

When she got back to Manchester, Lucía knew there was something she needed to do before anything else.

“Coach!”, she called when Erik was about to walk past her office. “I need to talk to you”.

“What about?”

“Hopefully not the reason why you fire me”.

He just raised his eyebrows and followed her inside the office.

It was time to be honest with everyone, and that included Erik. So she told him about Rúben. It shouldn’t be a problem but he did play for another team. And not just another team. He played for City. Not everyone would be happy about that.

“You thought I was going to fire you for dating a City player?”

“Well, not you. But what about the owners of the club? What about them thinking I’ll feed him information or something?”

“Oh shut up!”, he said, rolling his eyes.

His reaction was quite justified, the team’s owners didn’t care about the team when it came to some vital stuff. It was hard to believe they’d worry about someone like her and who she dated. 

“Are you…angry at me, though?”, she asked, finally voicing what she really feared.

“No, too busy thinking about how I can kill Dias if he hurts you again”.

She laughed. “I don’t even know if this is going to work but I needed to be honest with you”.

“If he doesn’t try to make it work, then his own idiocy will kill him so he’ll save me the trouble”, he shrugged.

“You’re biased”.

“Of course I am. But I guess that if Pep was the one setting you up, that guy will be good enough for him so there’s less to worry about”.

She smiled at that because he was right. Pep would never try to put Lucía and Rúben together if he didn’t think he was a good guy.

“Are you sure you don’t like Scott more, though? It’d make things easier”, said Erik, shocking her.

“Oh, now you want me to like Scott”, she rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know what I want or what to think. Just…just be careful”.

“I will be”, she told him, walking him to the door and giving him a hug.

“So, not me. But who in our team do you think is stronger than Dias so he can fight him if he hurts you?”

“Leave!”, said Lucía, half laughing. 

Ok, one conversation down. One to go. But there were still a couple of days left before Rúben came back to Manchester. And time moved very slowly when you were really looking forward to something.

[catsnuggler]

I rarely hung out with friends outside of school or church activities as a child, including my teenage years. Between not having a phone; financial dependence; not having a license; and my dad's oft-displayed displeasure, and often anger, at failing in some way or another, by being off with friends instead of being at home to help out with something, I felt incredibly discouraged from having a real social life.

I'm an adult, I have a phone, I have a license, but I need steady work, I need my own car, and frankly, I need to be out, so I won't be depended upon by my brother and father so much. Even now, I still don't hang out with friends - what friends? I knew them in school and community college, lost contact with them before I ever got a phone, don't have disposable income, and still live with my dad, with whom I just don't feel safe to be my real self.

Not to mention I feel that hanging out with friends incurs a debt to play host to them at some point; as that isn't a debt I can pay, as I have little money, my dad's house is decrepit, and socially unhealthy, I have rarely hung out with friends for that reason, as well.

There's only one person in my area, who isn't in my family, but is a friend of mine... it's the older sister of one of my exes.

I've been alone for so long. I can't fucking take it. I need actual work that won't let me go after a week, I need to gtfo and be free of my dad finally - I'm almost 26. I just didn't expect what came my way to last so fucking long. I expected somebody would have hired my dad. I expected my brother would have gotten better. I expected I wouldn't have to be depended on forever for errands. I expected... well, hoped, at least, that I'd finally be hired when the world wasn't about to fall in on my head at any moment, and actually hold down that job for a good long while. And I didn't expect the virus to hit, to hit so hard, to persist so long, to turn my father from an abusive but vaguely-social-democratic man, to being all but a reactionary conspiracy theorist who hates trans people more and more cos his pal Dimmy Jore says so, and I just can't take a joke if I don't throw trans people under the bus.

I feel so alone, and I wish my partner could live together, away from her mom and my dad, and finally make friends like we've both wanted to for so, so long.

[lil-melody-moon]

Year Summary #3

We're going with games today so without further ado!

The ones I've started and finished: 1. Pokemon Moon - Second/third time that I played it. I had started a save a long time ago, but I borrowed my 2DS to a dear friend of mine, so I just started everything from beginning. I enjoyed it as much as the first time actually, getting different Pokemon this time - or kind of? This is also where I discovered that tiny Pancham looks like Paul McCartney. Don't ask me from where I took it, but yeah. I named my Pancham Paul XD

2. Final Fantasy IX - I figured out that there has to be at least one Final Fantasy game during the year and this time it happened to be this one. Again, a replay, third fucking save. I had a new pc at that time, had to install Moguri again but you know. The worst was the fact that the old saves were gone, along with the one where I almost did everything in the time before the final boss. My first, almost complete save was gone, I was sad about that. That didn't discourage me tho, I played the game again, only to regret that I didn't use other names than default - it would be so fun, I have to do it next time. Anyway, I still love this game, I will gladly come back to it at any day really - crying at the end again, God, the credits song ;A;

3. Rayman 3: Hoodlum Havoc - I think this platformer will come back to the list of "play at least once a year". I love this games to bits, first platformer, my entire childhood and beginning of being a nerd is stored there - and again, Polish dub in this game is *chef's kiss*

4. Rayman Legends - replay after a few years and as much as I love the musical levels, the game itself is fun to certain point, I think halfway through, it gets kind of repetitive - or it might be me who played this game way too much in the past. Either way, I'm not coming back to it anytime soon. Had fun nevertheless tho <3

5. Murder by Numbers - got Epic Games Store, got my hands on free games and there I went, choosing this one as the first one. It has repetitive mechanic over finding clues - it's a detective kind of game, similar to Ace Attorney, but much more tame - but like, if you're bored you can cheat through them just to get on with the plot. I did that at the very end and really, I enjoyed the plot, characters, music. The tiny computer who helped the main heroine was adorable <3

6. Earthbound - you thought I will forget to play it? HAH, jokes on you! The end of year is nearing and my mind is already set on to play it again! I will never grow bored of this game and this time the team consisted of Ringo, me, John and Paul, Beatles themed team and truth be told, I WAS SO FUCKING UNLUCKY ON THIS SAVE. Like, I even did simplest mistakes, forgetting about the freaking shields which got me an instant kill. Had to repeat the last cave three fucking times, I never had such a bad playthrough in my life! Ringo borrowed his luck this time it seems

7. Spyro the Dragon - what did I do when I got a new PC? Downloaded PSX emulator and played Spyro. I'm a whole mood as my friend described me and honestly I don't regret this decision, even if I had to take this game in parts. The camera made me sick to my stomach - oh God I hope it'll be better in later parts and in the remaster - but like taking one level per day was a good idea to solve the problem. Plus the soundtrack - Copeland my beloved! - is just so good. One of those games which soundtracks I'll be listening to when I have time. ...Which reminds me that I have to make cleaning on yt with the games' music. MAJOR CLEANING *looking at my young self* You did fucked it up

8. Deponia - Oh yes, I came back to his fuckery and now I'm having a break before tackling the second game which I don't like very much, but about this one! The beginning is kinda long, but once out of town the game shows what it is capable of with puzzle solving, plot, humor, characters. I still love it and will probably nerd the third part like I usually do, because it's my favorite, but this time I did one major change. I've played with English dub, not like always with German and fuck, it is better somehow so I'm sticking to that <3

Now to the ones I've dropped: 1. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess - Being younger I loved this game, but this time I just couldn't get into it anymore. Might be because my smart ass thought about erasing the save I didn't finish years ago and starting a new one, but who might know. I do regret I didn't finish the game for some weird reason those years ago, but maybe it was for the better? Either way, I sold it with a few other Nintendo Wii games, leaving only two Kirby games for myself so yeah

2. Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time - now I really had high expectations for this one. I always heard good opinions about it and so I started it, curious, only to discover that I'm bored of it in the long run. There's not much variety in the battle mechanics. You either do that or this and push buttons. There's no excitement like it is in Final Fantasy for example, it's simpler, much much simpler and the same goes too...

3. Super Mario RPG - while having an amazing soundtrack, this game suffers the same thing as the previous. Repetitive battle mechanics and like this is probably the worst thing you can do to rpg. I know a lot of people love it and I can see why. The plot is great, dialogues, characters and world building is amazing, but for me if the battle mechanics ain't anything good, then I'm gonna drop the game and move on

4. Kirby Mass Attack - I always wanted to play this game. It was actually the first ROM I've downloaded on Nintendo DS emulator right after getting new PC and I had fun in the first world. I love the mechanics with the touch screen, the fact that there's 10 tiny Kirbys running around, but what threw me off guard is the fact that even if you have 10 Kirbys, you're gonna end with one at the beginning of the next world. I felt like all the progress was lost and I had to start from the very beginning. It somehow didn't feel fair you know. This was a big let down

And the ones I'm playing now: 1. Cave Story - first time after hearing what a good game it is, and I finally agree with an opinion! It's smooth, like the older games, the graphics are cute, music is amazing, plot simple, but engaging somehow. And true, some part for a new player are difficult - I'm playing on easy, I don't think of myself as of a great gamer and I still find it difficult. One boss was really unreadable for me, the one who was driving, I don't know the name of it, but like I had to have a few tries to figure out what to do and that is the only complaint I have about this game. Second would be no checkpoints between bosses at the very end, but like there was a chance for me to get a life refill, but like I didn't know about it, so I screwed myself on my own wish. Plus, I'm having a break from it because I'm stuck at final bosses. In the meantime I jumped to this one:

2. Yooka Laylee - which I bought on sale on steam and honestly, I don't remember when I had such a great time with a 3D platformer since Rayman 3. I know a lot of people are saying that it's not the same as Banjo-Kazooie - which I didn't play YET - but like, is it really worthy to compare instead of having fun with a game? I mean, the plot is simple, characters are fun, mechanics are great, the moveset is good, it's not limiting the player at all, the freaking soundtrack is a whole orchestra really, always giving the vibe of the world in a great way. There are a few bugs here and there, but they are not game breaking or anything. I was only throw off my guard when I learned that I need 100 pagies to get to the end. Guess what I am doing as of lately XD

And that would sum up this year. Thank you for reading all of this and i wish all of you a Happy New Year <3

[skelezomperman]

A Classic Digression on FE7 and two pet peeves in argument

I got into a rabbit hole this morning and ended up finding my way to this classic post about FE7's story being bad. This post is so influential that even nowadays you will see people pointing to it to show what's wrong with FE7's story.

(Spoilers for FE7 and FE8 ahead)

I do agree with many of the criticisms levied at FE7's story. It's not great and I would rate FE6 as better. That said, I feel that if this kind of post came out today, I would find it obnoxious. I read through the post and thought that there were several places where the OP was being too hard on the game and this is especially evident as I'm playing through FE7 right now. At one point for example, the OP criticizes that Marquess Araphen refuses to provide aid to Lyn. Yes, on paper it's nonsensical that he would ally with the guy who tried to burn down his castle, but it seemed crystal-clear to me that this is because the marquess is that racist against Sacaeans (and I would say the racism is a pretty big part of Lyn's arc). Another point is when they criticize Hector for killing (or knocking out) a soldier in Chapter 11. Yes, Hector is not exactly a paragon of maturity, but that's the point - he's a 17 year old who has to grow up through the course of the story.

It was interesting to see the amount of criticism in that thread, so much so that it got locked after a week. I would say it was earned. FE7 isn't the pinnacle of storytelling in this franchise, but you could go through any story with a fine comb like that and make it look bad. I remember that when I was first starting to get into the broader fandom a few years ago, it was in fashion to act as though FE7 was the worst game in the series. I'm glad we're past that because the game isn't really that bad, but it's worth remembering that even in the past the fandom has had its warts.

---

On a broader note, I said that the post was obnoxious because I realize that it hits two pet peeves of mine which I see a lot. The first is that I see a lot of people robbing context from an argument and criticizing something because it looks bad without context. This happens in both story and gameplay arguments, but in story arguments I often see this manifest with the "plot holes mentality." By this, I mean the mentality that any sort of action that is not perfectly logical is a plot hole and a failing of the story. The problem is that if every character acted perfectly logically, the plot would be rather uninteresting. Also, I personally feel that even an actual plot hole (i.e., a part of the plot that directly contradicts the setting or facts established elsewhere) is not a big deal if the story is written well around it. But some people act like things like Eirika giving the stone to Lyon is the end of the world because they ignore the context that Eirika and Lyon were close friends and Formortiis/Lyon was manipulating her. It's so silly that people ignore context.

The second pet peeve is this style of argument where someone will go through every minor point in the piece they are criticizing and individually critique each piece. Oftentimes on Reddit, I'll see this style of post or comment reply where someone will literally blockquote every individual thought, write a block of text rebutting each thought, and then move on to the next thought. I frankly find this to be very obnoxious. This style of argument outright discourages me from reading through, firstly because it's kind of insulting to the person to comb through every word they said, secondly because it's so gigantic. Brevity is an undervalued skill. I will say, if you are tempted to write in this sort of way, just don't. Get to your main point(s) and be done with it. Nobody is going to give you a gold star because you did the most "comprehensive" rebuttal that was possible. Prioritize readability over "winning the argument."

[talenlee]

Decemberween '23 — Jason!

I think about these friend posts from time to time which runs the risk of making my really cool friends who are constantly doing things and making stuff in the day to day, like, more likely to get attention. And that’s not a terrible thing, after all, this is still the attention economy or whatever, by posting about my friend Amber, I might direct attention to her online presence and her cool cosplays, or if I post about my friend Nixie I might get people looking at her Patreon, all that kinda thing.

I wanna talk, today, this close to Christmas, though, about a friend who doesn’t really put himself out there on the internet, and who isn’t here to ‘sell’ himself. Sure, we’ve done that kinda thing, we’ve all had fun doing things… but

like

Some friends I want to talk about, and who I think about, because they’re my friends and I love them and that’s really cool and really good. Because my friends are great.

You probably don’t know Jason. Jason’s a friend of mine, from in America. Jason draws, Jason plays videogames, Jason likes Star Wars a lot (and that’s been a source of some tension, I suspect). Jason likes Star Trek – really, that’s why I’ve been watching Star Trek at all, as one after another, these series have been made part of my experience and I get to set aside a space of ignorance. Even now, we watch Lower Decks together, which is my favourite piece of Star Trek media.

It’s real funny watching people complain that Lower Decks relies on in-group references for its humour because like, I think those people may have just pickled their brains with those references. I like it a lot and I don’t know if anything in the show is old. I just ask Jason when we’re done watching the episodes.

Oh, I’ve been rereading the Ranma 1/2 manga? And that’s partly because we’ve been hanging around on the Ranma 1/2 subreddit and talking about it. Which is extra weird because that’s how we met, back when I was a kid and Jason was also a kid but the kind of kid who would go ‘I’m not a kid, huff.’ But still, the kind of person we’d look at now and both go: Well, we were kids.

Anyway.

Hey, remember how I mentioned I’ve been trying to draw more? You might have seen it, seen me posting art of just random things that strike my fancy. That’s partly because drawing is something I used to do a lot and I liked it, and part of why I drew so much was because it was something I shared with Jason. Now, don’t get me wrong, Jason is way, way better than I am, and there was a time when I even felt discouraged from drawing because Fox and Jason were both just better than me. Why have my own skills brought to bear when other people were just doing it better?

But Jason, in the early days, was someone I drew with, because I wanted to draw things and wanted to share them with him and, that encouragement came with its own joy. Restarting drawing like I have lately, I haven’t quite gotten back to where I was, but I mean, back then I was drawing strictly because I wanted to draw cool characters with huge boobs or amazing butts or both. There’s time to just enjoy the drawing, as I draw things more and more that I like. I owe that to Jason, Jason is someone who made me remember how much I just like drawing.

And we play City of Heroes! In fact, Jason is the person who got me into City of Heroes. This game that at this point has been part of my life or influential in my life, for twenty years, is a game that I ultimately only started because my friend recommended it, and said hey, we can play together! I write about City of Heroes and I use it to make OCs and I love this game and its universe and it informs a lot of how I think about videogames and about how I think about heroes in superhero stories, and I owe it all to my friend.

Jason is one of the earliest people I drew with when I was a child. Like when I was sixteen, I think, I reached out to a stranger, on the internet, who had a shared interest with me, and that became a way to talk about it, and honestly, it shaped my days. It shaped a lot of my internet habits too. I remember from back then a story about ‘who messages first’ and what that represented. This is really early internet days for me, when a .txt file someone put in their signature on Usenet was imparted wisdom from an older, more serious generation than I had ever encountered. I remember at the time it lodged in my brain that if you message the other person all the time, you want to talk to them more than they want to talk to me.

And anyway, years on, I have learned: That’s stupid.

This year has been a rough one full of people talking about their social networks dissolving. Tumblr is full of ‘jokes’ about how people who have never had a conversation are friends, are mutuals, are beloved and yeah like I get it, I get that human relationships are fluid and complex and take a variety of forms. But you should reach out. You need to put work into those friendships.

If you find yourself unwilling to do that… like, that’s okay? Maybe that’s the emotional level you want that friendship at. That’s okay.

But I have this friendship that has lasted longer than my students have been alive, and part of that is reaching out, and holding on.The platforms you spend time on don’t get to dictate how you should act. You can reach out! You can say hi! You can be nice and friendly!

One of my best friendships started that way.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[wanderinglotus7]

A Round of Applause

It's okay to reflect and speak upon your successes and achievements while still remaining humble. This concept has been a struggle of mine for a long time. It's okay for me to talk about what I've been able to accomplish because I put in the work and made the sacrifices to get where I am today. Unlike some folks, I never forget where I came from, and I never forgot about the people who helped me along the way. I'm not coming from an ego feed mindset. I'm coming from a place of gratitude. On a spiritual level I give the glory to the Lord for guiding me even during the times when I drifted away from my path.

Compiling this list, I will probably forget a few things, but this is really just my gratitude list. Above all else, I'm proud of myself for taking risks. Whether labeled as a success or failure, if I never took any risks, I probably would've the life I have now.

Despite the odds I spent 6 months studying abroad in Thailand.

Since kindergarten, I've been on A or A/B honor roll.

In middle school I stepped out of my comfort zone and played a season of field hockey.

I surprised a few people and did what's best for me and decided not to play basketball my last two years of high school.

For the W.E.B. Dubois Honor Society, I was the secretary and vice president.

Being new to the world of Public Speaking, I competed in the local American Legion public speaking contest and came in 2nd place.

It was a long shot, but I tried to run and get elected to be the junior queen for Homecoming (GHS) (it didn't happen).

Even though I got a few Ds in my psychology classes, I still graduated with my bachelor's degree in psychology.

I took it upon myself and self-published my first poetry collection.

Though I didn't spend many years cheerleading, I did my best and tried out for Bridgewater College's cheer team (I ended up cheering all 4 years).

Because of my hard work, my first year of undergraduate school was paid for.

It was difficult, yet, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my distant father (for the first time I spoke my truth).

At the time, I was the first sophomore psych major to receive an internship at Bridgewater.

In my freshman year of high school, I stopped snorting pills and cutting myself.

I received a scholarship to attend Boston College for graduate school.

I was scared to shit, but I took a risk and told a close friend of mine that I was interested in him (that was a complicated situation but we're good).

I said I was gonna maintain a 3.5 or 3.6 GPA during my MSW program and I did it!

I didn't drop out my first semester of graduate school.

Very surprised, I ended up spending my first-year internship with Amirah which was my first choice.

Feeling discouraged after 5 rejections for my second-year internship, on my 6th interview I got a paid in-home therapy internship (kind of regret lol).

I didn't let the pandemic and my first "Karen" experience make me quit my job at Chipotle.

Though my romantic life hasn't been the greatest, I haven't given up on love and allow disappointment to turn me bitter.

Two or Three months before I graduated BC, I already had three post-grad job offers (and these organizations really wanted me).

Not realizing that they rejected my application the first time, I am a social work advocate for the human trafficking program Adelante.

Bridgewater did a magazine story on my study abroad experience along with my experiences at Bridgewater College & Boston College.

I passed my ASWB Master exam (licensure exam) on my first attempt.

I never gave up on therapy!

It was nerve wracking, but I used social media to be open with my eating disorder.

I found the courage to tell my mother about my sexual assault that happened in college.

I didn't commit suicide (there's been plenty of times that I've thought about it).

I graduated high school at the top of my class with a 4.6 GPA.

I can cross off attending a Chris Brown concert off my bucket list.

I've been to Thailand, Vietnam, Indonesia, and Costa Rica.

In my darkest moments, I didn't lose my relationship with God.

[forgottenyear]

No trigger warnings, but long text (~1000 wds).

I have no idea what I intended to write, but I am sure I did not write it. Whatever it is, it is not entirely unpleasant for a change, but maybe I am not the best judge of my own life.

--

I tend to think about how we dropped our interest in electronics because we were afraid that we would discourage our brother from pursuing the field. It sounds quite noble that way.

I think it had more to do with the issue of stealing another’s identity, although I am unsure of which way around that would have worked. I no longer know who got to electronics first.

I do know, maybe because it was later, that we crowded the middle sister out of theater. She was trying very hard to act, and we walked in and took the lead in our first production. (We later moved over to theater tech because it used more of our creativity and did not require memorizing lines.)

But the oldest sister has always tended to steal elements of our identity. She tends to tell stories about herself, that we previously told her about ourself. We, with a friend, came up with a mnemonic for a singer’s name, which we later told this sister. The last time I talked with her, she was telling me that she has a mnemonic for the singer’s name. It is silly little things like this, and I would feel more foolish to say anything, but still. As a child, we would be accused of stealing elements of this sister’s identity, and now I do not know how much truth there was to this.

This also came into play when the amnesia broke, and my me-ness was carved up and distributed (“me-ted?”) to the original owners.

--

I had a young friend and mutual up to a few years ago. Before I realized there was a wider community, and before I realized that I had set this blog to private (when my partner and I had ongoing legal dealings with someone who was aggressively invading our privacy), this lone friend was the only active follower of this blog.

This (high-school-aged for the first year or so) friend was in therapy for trauma, which is why they followed and began conversing with me, but their story gradually evolved to resemble mine over time. They bought books about DID and were involved with the DID tags, and their story changed still further, to where some of their story contradicted major portions of the earlier versions and so the earlier were dropped. They had seen a doctor for many years, but this doctor was unwilling to re-diagnose them with DID in contradiction to symptoms with which they had long presented. So, they burned through several doctors before they could find one who would diagnose them with DID instead of a diagnosis where a patient only imagines they have DID.

(I do not diagnose, and I will not. I relate this anecdote according to what I witnessed. I do regret that my existence may have been an influence at the wrong time.)

The point of telling this is that I cringed each of the many times that this person’s story included a new element that appeared to have been copied and pasted from mine. I am not talking about general, relatable experiences that are somewhat common to most with trauma and DID, but the sort of specifics that would get one accused of plagiarism.

I became uncomfortable with writing too openly. I began to write far less than I need for self-therapy.

Yes, there was an element of not wanting to “corrupt” an impressionable friend. But there was also an element of feeling my identity was being siphoned away.

I became worried that I could never again speak a thing they had assumed from me, or I would look like I was mimicking them.

The friendship turned odd after a while, to where this person began acting like a teacher or a parent toward me. The RL person invading my privacy was legally removed beyond my concern, and I felt like it was safe again to explore the wider DID community on tumblr openly. When I told this friend that I needed to talk with others, the friend was almost frantic about how bad an idea this would be and how vulnerable I would be. When I was determined, they announced that they could no longer trust me, and I was blocked. (They accidentally “liked” a post from this blog a few months later. Oops.)

--

I am not a parent. I am not a teacher. I am not a therapist. I am frightened of these things because of the responsibilities that go with them.

A younger friend recently told me, again, how I influenced their life for the positive, mostly. I want to hope I have been a positive influence on most of the younger people around me. I try very hard always to have everyone feel as though they are my equal, and I “try,” not because it is difficult, but because I am aware of how easily I blunder into being intimidating.

I wrote recently about a young client who felt inadequate to take over a job from me, even though they had the better educational qualifications. That I had influenced them to enter the “same” field of work, but then they felt inadequate to fill My shoes. (And the “same” field of work was actually an incidental nuisance that I was happy to be rid of.)

I feel equally heartbroken over the possibility that a young person “admired” my DID enough that they wanted the same diagnosis.

--

Does my post end on the same subject as it began? Do they ever?

I am no longer sure why I ever think I will not wander off in the middle of expressing a thought.

[confessions-of-a-cuck]

One warm spring night I took my wife to the neighbours for a few beers and some cards. He is a nice fella about 8 years younger than my wife. He had a mate over at the time, who turned out to be a few years younger.

The night started off good, we had a few beers and a few laughs. The younger friend turned to me and said how great my wife looks and suggested playing a card game to get her out of some clothes.

I asked her and she seemed fine with it, so strip poker it was. The other guys lost all but their shirts while my wife was raking in the winnings. I suggested she give them a little and got her tits out, to which she quickly obliged.

Before I knew there was two young guys with rock hard cocks from looking at my wife's generous 18DDs.

Before things got out of hand I decided we should leave as I was getting tired anyway.

My wife was not keen on the idea and decided to stay and play. I told as long as it stays PG I'm fine with it. So I went home and started to watch TV. After about 20 mins I could hear banging coming from next door. I got up to investigate, but the door was locked. I went round the back to where I could see through a window.

That's when I saw it, my wife sucking on the younger one, his dick was huge at least 10 inches long and as thick as a coke can. I couldn't believe it, every time I ask her to suck my dick (much smaller by the way) she complained how it hurt her jaw. But here she was, sucking the soul out of this poor young fella.

I couldn't see my neighbour though, so I moved to get a better view. There he was tongue deep in her arsehole, I was fuming anytime I go anywhere near there she slaps me away. But here is this young guy going to town on her, she clearly loved it as she thrust back on to his face.

When it was clear the younger one was on the verge she go up and straddled that massive cock, squealing as it eased into her. Slowly she started to move up and down. Then she reached for my neighbours dick to put in her mouth.

I couldn't believe my eyes, I'm lucky to get a root once a month. But here she is with 2 cocks inside her. This was to much for the younger one and he emptied his balls deep inside her ( it would have been a miracle if she didn't feel it blow up into her throat with his cock).

Satisfied, she climbed off him and bent over the bed, my neighbour tried to fuck her creamy cunt, but his dick was much smaller and kept falling out. Not wanting him to feel discouraged, she reached around and slid him into her tight arsehole. Slowly she said as his eyes went in the back of his head, as he picked up pace the younger one started rubbing her clit. At this point I look down and didn't even notice I was wanking vigorously at the site of my wife with other men. She glanced towards the window and her eyes met mine, she could see I was loving it she came with an almighty moan. Just as she did the neighbour unleashed into her arsehole. She turned and gave her new toys a kiss each then came back home.

I greeted her with best Bonner I could muster, then I fucked her creamy holes again and again. Every time I thought about her riding those guys I would just get hard again.

Since then sex has been great, we even invite the neighbour over more.

[imaginationstimulation]

GIFTING FLEETWOOD MAC’S THE DANCE TO MY MOTHER | by Spencer Silverthorne

— after Chad Bennett’s “Silver Springs”

I bought my mother The Dance for her birthday the year I got into pop music. I wasn’t allowed to watch MTV most likely because it was too sexy and irreverent, but one day I got tired of being in the dark when a boy said Dookie.

I didn’t know my mother listened to pop music because she listened to NPR. She considered herself pretty centrist. I popped grapes as she drove me to the bus stop while Steven Inskeep interviewed an animated representative. Lessons in illuminating, interrogating, or mollifying lies. We only had 30 seconds left until the bus came. Another day where I never knew what was next. It was a battle of interruptions and I wanted to listen to Y100.

Everyone was tired of Beavis and Butthead. I still could do an impression of Beavis and would pull the back of my shirt onto my head to say cornholio. Everyone laughed or told me to f*ck off. I had no idea what I was doing. I was just trying to get boys to like me in the worst possible way.

The boys must have known something that I did not know.

Peter Jennings said Congress wanted to rid the world of Beavis and Butthead. They would rally from time to time.

I used to gift my mother portraits of our family depicted in front of our house. Everything, including our bodies, was constructed out of boxes. Just in case anyone would forget, I identified a mother, father, son, and god with terrible penmanship and indicating arrows. Dots for eyes, one above an up-slanted eyebrow, nails for hands, roof unfinished. I didn’t know how to draw and my mother later discouraged me from pursuing a career in the arts.

My mother said Pink Floyd and Fleetwood Mac were her favorite bands. That fall I wanted to dress up as a hippie for Halloween. My mother asked her best friend to send her bell bottoms with all kinds of patches on it. One patch had a peace sign, and another had a happy face from what I remember.

I drew them all over my margins and on the brown paper that covered textbooks. I didn’t know the origins of this sign. I didn’t know that Gerald Holtom wanted everyone to read the letters N and D into the symbol that originally stood for nuclear disarmament. I did remember one boy telling me that the symbol was fascist. I did remember thinking he was an *ssh*le and then wanting to jump into the TV screen to escape his lies. It would be better there, and I could learn about everything.

The boys must have known something that I did not know.

A few months before I bought my mom The Dance, another boy from a stricter family than mine lent me his copy of Dookie. I wondered how he got this tape because both our parents hated cursing in music which is why they sent us to Catholic School.

Twenty years later, and five years after my mother’s death, a member of my family would yell shut up you f*cking liberal b*tch to a newscaster on NPR.

I heard boys say Green Day Rules on the bus but I couldn’t remember what they said sucks. I liked the Elton John song on the Lion King soundtrack. I thought the piano was moving because I played it. Middle C, but the wrists are wrong! Life swoons in epithets. I learned enough to pound along. I kept my mouth shut because I misheard Day as Bay.

I did not know their f*cking rules at all.

In the mid-90s my father was always traveling to Green Bay, Wisconsin. He gifted me a keychain of a football embossed with the letters GO PACKERS.

I don’t know how to invite anyone to this poem, because I was obsessed with the line from the song, I found out what it takes to be a man/Mom and Dad would never understand.

These misunderstandings between Bay and Day were apparent in my composition. I went to the psychiatrist to interpret patterns like any other art f*g in Catholic School.

I starred as Rudolf the Rednose Reindeer in the Christmas play. My mother couldn’t attend because she was recovering from chemotherapy.

It’s a story that’s told every holiday gathering. My father is exhausted from bringing my mom home from Pennsylvania Hospital and I come off the Bryn Mawr bus to remind everyone that I’m Rudolf. My mom remarks O Yea I Forgot to Tell You, and this is where my father goes CONK! To describe how my mother passed out. And everyone chuckles.

This story is told over and over so that the sting of the grief softens. The way the body has been thought of as a system that needs continuous repair. The hospital, chemo, vomit, sallowness, weight loss mitigate symbols within a sphere of knowledge. Illness, care, and survival involve symbols that have the strength to evade meaning but the sting remains.

I have told friends that grief is a monster. That’s the only thing I can really say about it. It’s not a monster with recognizable scales, but a deadening shadow akin to what I picture as an angel of death. Except no letter to save the day.

I struggle to write about my mother, my father, my family, my solitude, my rage. Those long bus hours, the moments I was told not to cry, not to act out, to pray, to feel shame, to suck it up, you have to suck it up, as she would say as a lesson from firsthand experience, probably from chemo, and to be good, to be so f*cking good, like a god everyone wants to be.

“I just wanted to be wanted” like a bad Frank O’Hara misquote, like his acolytes, like the other men writing like him. 

I often misinterpreted goodness with disappearance.

Every time I left the house, my mother, like any other, would say, Be Good!

[via: Verse of April]

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

167 of 2023

More random secrets from random people! [True or False]

Created by joybucket

These are all random secrets from random people that I found posted on the Internet. Put an X by the secrets you share, and elaborate if you wish. I really enjoy these surveys, and I hope you do, too. Have fun! :)

I keep feeling like I'm not good enough. I wish I were somebody else. I am at my breaking point on so many different levels. I'm seriously considering quitting my job. I'm so deeply lonely. I am secretly in love with someone who is thirty years older than I am. I am struggling. I'm finding it hard to cope lately. I want to talk to a therapist, but I honestly don't know how. I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't feel like I'm worth being helped. Sometimes I find it hard to be left alone with my own thoughts. I'm so impatient and easily discouraged sometimes. If something doesn't work out the way I want it to on the first try, I just give up. I was surprised, but it came as a huge relief when I finally decided not to have kids. I get angry at every mother who doesn't love her children as much as I would love mine if I could have them. I think it's thrilling not to know what comes next. I believe in God, but I haven't mentioned it to anyone in my family because I think they'll judge me. Fear of Hell once kept me from committing suicide. My daughter is what keeps me from committing suicide. All I want is to sit down for ten minutes and not worry about a single. damn. thing. I feel lost and really afraid. I'm in love with my friend, and he doesn't know it. I adopt due to depression. I don't want to give birth to my own flesh and blood. I've never doubted the existence of God. We're all a part of something, and it's big and important and magical. I wish I could have watched her grow up. My dreams seem so far away. I'm jealous of the people who are close with their siblings. There are so many mistakes I wish I would have made while I had the chance to. I refuse to let people get close to me in fear of getting hurt. Deep down, I always feel as though people don't really like me. I am quite worried about not being able to find work during this COVID pandemic. I seem to be in a very negative state of mind lately. Every time I wake up, I want to sleep again so I won't have to feel anything.... I'm starting to believe true love is only for thin and beautiful women. I'm struggling so much more than I could ever admit. I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I am deeply unhappy, and I don't know what to do about it. I believe in God again. I stalk myself on Instagram just to see what other people see. I'm a closet Catholic. I feel like people are lying every time they tell me I'm beautiful. I know I am capable of so much more. I play the lotto so I can afford to adopt a child. I would genuinely cut all the fat off my body if I didn't think I'd die of blood loss. I hate being the ugly friend. I'm nervous about having sex, because I'm scared my partner will judge my body. (in the past) I felt really ignored when I felt horrible. I asked for help, and I didn't receive it. I want to tell someone I'm suicidal, but I'm afraid they'll treat me like I'm lesser than them if I do, which is the reason why I haven't yet. The man I married raped me before we even dated. I am not actually a lesbian. I am afraid of men. I like someone; I really do...but I am scared. I keep feeling as though I don't know myself. I fear I will spend my life waiting for a love story that doesn't exist. I feel like I'll never fit in anywhere. I have a happy personality with a sad soul. I thought I would feel better after the divorce, but instead I just feel absolutely pathetic for being divorced when I'm so young. I want my old life back. I have been going through so many life changes lately, and I haven't been myself. I am getting tired of not being ok. I'm growing increasingly concerned about my job security. I'm single, because I would rather be alone than with a guy who makes me feel alone. I really need to start therapy, but I'm stubbornly procrastinating taking the next steps. I think I need therapy again. Since losing my virginity, I haven't been able to call myself a Christian. I think my biggest secret is that I'm going to be ok. Life has been getting better than I thought. Today I will make a vow: I will NEVER settle for a boring life. I feel like we're at a really amazing point in history & it's amazing to be a part of it. I have more power than I know. I'd rather play board games on the living room floor than get wasted at parties. I wasted my childhood trying to be grown up. I finally discovered that my greatest fear is not being alone; it's being vulnerable. I'm sorry for not saying all the things I should have said. Everything is amazing and nobody is happy. I am nostalgic, but I am also strong. Maybe this world is another planet's hell. I wonder what it feels like to look at yourself without wishing you looked like someone else. I often wonder if life is easier for other people or if they're just better at faking it. I'm not brave enough to take the risks that would make me truly happy. I married my husband because he reminded me of the man I loved. My creative gifts are worth the mental illness I've suffered for them. Christmas time is my favorite time of year....and I am an Orthodox Jew. My shyness has cost me everything that mattered to me. I always wonder if I've met the person I'm going to marry yet. I wonder how many times my life has been saved because I was running late. All I want is a real conversation with another human being about something that actually matters. I was happier on my graduation day than I was on my wedding day. 👩‍🎓 I love my autistic brain. It makes me who I am, and I love me! I'm afraid I am missing opportunities to meet someone because we are all wearing headphones! 🎧 I wish I had never become a mother. I knew it was a mistake as I walked down the aisle. 💒 I love my family, but most of the time I prefer solitude. I'm fairly certain my wife would be more distraught over losing her phone than losing me. I found my soulmate after my wedding. I cannot clap on beat. 👏 I have a drunk alter-ego that has her own name. I pretend I hate it, but I actually love my body. I remember every time someone called me fat. I thought I'd be happier and more excited to be his girlfriend.

[dudeuncle]

1. My mother makes me watch her take a bath every evening because she is afraid of falling (she is able bodied, this is not a real concern)

2. My mother does not let me go to my aunt’s house (even though I have a car) because she claims I do not love her any more. 

3. My mother considers my part time job “not a real job” even though it’s in the field I studied and even though the market is shitty and this is the only job available. 

4. My mother wants me to train her dog, and gets mad if she has to train it. 

5. My mother makes comments about how at her age she wore a size 00 (I am almost eight inches taller and a size 16) and how I should lose weight, and then always says it’s a reflection on herself and not me. 

6. My mother has raised my sister to yell at me the way she yells at me, and discourages any real relationship between the two of us. 

7. My mother takes my phone away when she gets mad at me by ripping it out of my hands. 

8. My mother has given me CPTSD yet pity posts on Facebook about how she suffers from the same ailment and is growing from it. 

9. My mother twists stories in her head until I look like the bad guy. My phone (a phone that is three years old and once was hers) is not working unless it’s on wifi and even after I showed it to her, she claimed that I was lying and just didn’t want to spend time with her. 

10. My mother claims I have bedbugs in my room because it is a mess. (It is a mess because she ripped the doors off my closet in a anger fueled rage and then told me it was my responsibility to fix them)

11. My mother only ever wants to talk about her workday, and when I try to talk about mine she gets angry. 

12. My mother claims everyone must walk on eggshells around me even though I sit quietly in my room and do nothing most of the time because she judges me if I go anywhere. 

13. My mother has admitted to trying to replace me with a student she favors because “I don’t love her anymore” 

14. My mother has made the holidays (once my favorite thing) unbearable as she spews all her anger on me.

15.  My mother has BPD and has pushed all her friends away and is now using those tactics on me. 

16. My mother claims that I no longer wish to hand out with her unless she is spending money on me even though I have been paying for my own incidental purchases for three years now. 

17. My mother gets mad at me for writing on my computer/phone/journals because she claims, “I was an English major and never get to write in my free time, so why should you?” 

18. My mother hijacked a trip my friends and I were taking into the city and came along with us, turning it into my “graduation present”. While I did have fun with her that day, I know I would have had fun with my friends too. 

19. My mother told me that my act of “teenage rebellion” was watching Doctor Who from the ages of 15-17 because she hated that show because her older brother watched it. I only watched it because I found it interesting, and now no longer tell her about anything I watch on television/movies.

20. In regards to that, my mother gets mad when I finally express my interests because she says that I do not share them with her ever. 

21. My mother assumes my father and I are “in love” and that I am his “second wife/real wife” because he is not paralyzed to talk to me and we have a good relationship .

22. In regards to that, my mother does not know that my father and I have been hanging out every Friday. 

23. My mother claims I am addicted to my phone because I use it to; stream tv, listen to music, listen to podcasts, read, write, work, answer emails, catch up with my friends, play games, and text even though she sits on her ass from 3pm to 11pm and watches the same four shows in reruns. 

24. My mother got mad at me when my phone bluetooth plays my text message sounds because I should know better. ( I do not control when people text me)

25. My mother claims that she would love me “if I was gay” while saying/acting homophobic. She does not know that I am in fact bisexual.

26. My mother gives my sister all the love she used to give me, and it pains me to see her act kindly towards her but nastily towards me. 

27. My mother is still the only person I feel like I can cry too, but even that is straining. 

[ddarker-dreams]

hello ! this is my first time sending an ask and i had to say i love your writing and im excited to see where deep sea is going <3 the world youre building is so interesting and i cant wait to see whats going on with maiko darling!! i wanted to ask, whats your planning process like for longer fics like this, or how do you normally write fics in general? ive been lowkey wanting to get into writing fanfic, but im not sure how to start, especially since i worry abt writing a character wrong 😭

OMG this ask,, thank you so very much!!! deep sea ended up turning into more of a lengthy project than i originally anticipated, not that i'm complaining. i think there's a lot to explore there and i'm excited to get to everything that i have planned. as for my writing process... i learned a lot from hell within reach, which i started last year, since it was my first venture into novel length territory hrjtmkg (i still need to finish the last chapter but i'll get to it eventually). i think the main thing i learned is that organization, my greatest weakness, is vital for long fics/stories in general.

deep sea's development has been a touch cleaner than HWR since i've been trying to apply what i learned. to give some insight into the process, it looked like:

early early planning phase: getting a rough idea of what i wanted, mostly the reader’s story and how it relates to scaramouche. not very structured. just lots of ideas that didn’t even play off each other yet. i messed around with various possibilities, just kinda throwing stuff at the wall to see what would stick. brainstorming and such. 

research phase: basically what i talked about in this post! i did reading, watched interviews, the like. took a bunch of notes, made a vocabulary list, the works. this is also where i came up for the name of deep sea’s okiya, shinju-an. i ran the name through a good friend of mine who is fluent in japanese to see if my research on naming teahouses was correct, which it apparently was. phew.

plot outline 1.0: a bare bones outline. breaking down every character’s motivation, how that would move the plot along, etc. i ended up scrapping like 80% of plot outline 1.0, but the core elements remained the same. 

writing chapter 1 and crying: basically what it sounds like... kinda a rough test to see how well i could (or couldn’t) pull all these various concepts together into something coherent. 

plot outline 2.0: at this point certain things go on the chopping block. i shed a tear for each idea i liked that i must get rid of so the story makes literally any sense to anyone who isn’t me . this is where i changed misato’s role in the story (very drastically), started fleshing out maiko darling’s backstory more, along with how keiko and ishioka would impact the overall narrative rather than making them like. forgettable background characters. it was mostly the very middle of the story/the end that gave me trouble... i’m still slightly undecided on the specifics of the ending, but the general idea is figured out.

back to chapter 1 with Mostly everything figured out: most of the first chapter was finished, i just went through and cleaned it up. added lil hints that made me feel sneaky. started wondering why i put so much effort into yandere genshin impact fanfic and not my schoolwork. 

some important things to note — every time i felt discouraged or blocked by not knowing where the story should go next, i forced myself to take a break rather than soldiering in. this was kinda a new technique for me. i normally like to have everything Nice and Clean and Finished as soon as possible. i feel as if this mindset helped me a lot in the long run! a good night’s sleep is sometimes the best remedy to feeling frustrated when the story isn’t coming out like how you pictured. there’s nothing wrong with taking breaks. 

as for how i write my regular, non multi-chaptered fanfic... i kinda... just wing it. 😭 i’m sorry that probably sounds very disappointing. i wanted to challenge myself with deep sea, but for my other fics, i consider it more of a fun outlet. i’ll get an idea i like, start writing without ceasing, get to the end, and then look back/edit through the mess i just typed. it’s a lot more simple. 

[allthemenofmydreams]

Talk You Out of It- Christian Pulisic

As Christian is back in the training squad here’s a little imagine that was supposed to be posted on Saturday.

I was a little inspired by the song Talk You Out of It- Florida Georgia Line

I knew y/n had a rough day at work. I could tell by the way she threw her stuff at the front door when she got home. I was sitting watching TV when she came in, so I gave her some space before I said Hi. I didn't want her to get any more upset than she already was. I heard the shower running and headed to our bedroom. Her favorite playlist was playing.

The black silk dress on the bed reminded me that her friends were in town and had planned a night out. Which made me wish she would stay.

"Hey, babe?" I shouted walking toward the bathroom "are you planning on going out?" I leaned against the door frame hoping she'd say she was staying.

The music playing, the steam spreading through the bathroom and the image of her in that black silk dress was driving me crazy.

"I told you the girls are in town and we're going to dinner," she said from the shower.

"Right," I replied, a little discouraged, as I was hoping she would say she was staying. I went back to the living room to continue watching TV. An hour later, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Chris, I'm leaving!" she shouted from the doorway.

"Aren't you planning on kissing me goodbye?" I said with my eyes still on the TV, when I heard her footsteps closer I turned to see her.

She looked gorgeous. That dress sculpted her figure perfectly, the heels made her legs look longer, and the makeup she was wearing brought out her dark brown eyes. Her messy braid just made me want to grab her and make her mine.

"Thinking of getting a new boyfriend?" I teased.

"Maybe" she teased me.

"I won't let you go then" I walked towards her, and wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Well, Mr. Jealous, the girls are waiting for me," she said leaning in to kiss me.

"Why, if you stay we can pretend we just got back from the bar" I traced kisses from her neck to her lobe. I knew it drove her crazy. "We can talk out of it" I whispered.

She shivered at my voice, and my breath ruffled her skin, as much as she denied it, she wanted it as much as I did.

"We can talk about it on my return?" she asked trying to escape from my grip. She was nervous, I loved that after all these years together it still made her nervous. She looked so innocent and vulnerable yet so irresistible.

"It'll be quick baby, I can take you to heaven either fast or slow...you decide." I lifted her, and she wrapped her legs around my waist.

"It better be quick. Because I can't leave like this," she said, pressing her lips into a passionate kiss. I walked over and placed her on one of the tables in our hallway. I gave her all my love. Between kisses and moans, she said, "I hate you."

"I know, but after this, you will love me."

[dragonking10]

Can we get a scene were Ruby is dishearted becasue all of her female friends gets a lot of attention from boys and girls, overshadowing her (it's not like she cares about them, she only cares about one blonde dork himbo) but some affection would be nice. And about Jaune, he appears and confesses singing "Everything by Michael Buble" (also i would be cool if girls would get jealous and envious and ruby would hit them with "You can look but no touching, he is mine")

(I had to look up the song and it was a nice love song that I didn't know about and as I was listening to the song on YouTube I looked over to where there were other recommendation videos and sure enough a picture of Jaune and Ruby was on the thumbnail and I couldn't read the title and I was "Oh how convenient." and laughed because it reminded me of this ask. Anyway here is a little story for you @viceasabi)

Ruby was feeling discouraged seeing all of these women prettier than her getting all of the attention not one man came to her. Well there is one man she was hoping to come to her, Jaune, her friend, the blonde dorky knight that she fell in love with ever since they met. Ruby was about to give up when all of the sudden music started playing and she turned around to see Jaune walking towards her while playing the guitar in his hands.

Bold = Jaune singing

You're a falling star, you're the get away car You're the line in the sand when I go too far You're the swimming pool, on an August day And you're the perfect thing to say

As Jaune was singing the song Ruby was still in shock over the fact Jaune was singing to her with a love song no less and her heart was beating so hard and fast you would think she was having a heart attack

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute Oh, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true 'Cause you can see it when I look at you

The audience was starting to form a circle around Jaune and Ruby but to be honest they didn't notice as Jaune was still singing and Ruby blocked everyone else out as she was only focusing on Jaune as she is trying calm her heart down but she couldn't help but fell in love with him even more

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times It's you, it's you, you make me sing You're every line, you're every word, you're everything You're a carousel, you're a wishing well

And you light me up, when you ring my bell You're a mystery, you're from outer space You're every minute of my everyday And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man

Ruby started tearing up because right now she felt more loved besides her family of course and right now she can feel Jaune's love towards her and to her that is the most greatest feeling she's ever felt. She quickly wiped her eyes of any tears that threatened to come out as she was trying to focus on her crush singing to her, she couldn't help but dance with him as he is dancing as much he can with the guitar he's playing.

And I get to kiss you baby just because I can Whatever comes our way, oh we'll see it through And you know that's what our love can do

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times It's you, it's you, you make me sing You're every line, you're every word, you're everything

As Jaune was doing his guitar solo and dancing with Ruby, the crowd was enjoying this as much as they were as they were too dancing with their partners but some women were starting to feel envy and jealous as they glared so much hate at Ruby wishing it was them he was singing to and not her. Ruby caught their glaring and gave them the most shit-eating grin ever as she flipped them off. Caught off guard the women were glaring even more hate at her for rubbing this in their faces.

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times It's you, it's you, you make me sing You're every line, you're every word, you're everything

They continued dancing as Jaune and Ruby stared in each other's eyes and slowly touched their foreheads together not missing a beat as Jaune was singing the last verse of the song

You're every song, and I sing along 'Cause you're my everything Yeah, yeah

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Jaune put down his guitar and wrapped his arms around Ruby giving her a hug "Ruby you don't have to look or dress pretty to get a man's attention, to me you being yourself is the most beautiful sight in the world." said Jaune staring into Ruby's eyes. Ruby could see and practically FEEL the love from Jaune. "When we first met I fell in love with you but I felt I wasn't good enough for you. You were the first person to ever believe in me, in fact if it wasn't for you I would've left Beacon because of my self-doubt. You encouraged me to become the leader of my team that was the moment I fell in love with you. When you took out that Nevermore at Emerald Forest I couldn't even breath because I was so distracted by your beauty as you slayed the grimm it was the most coolest and beautiful sight ever." said Jaune, Ruby was tearing up again and quickly wiped her eyes and stopped when Jaune held her hands "Ruby would you do the honors to being my girlfriend?" asked Jaune. Ruby was caught off guard at the confession but quickly composed herself "YES!" shouted Ruby as she pulled Jaune in for a kiss, Jaune caught off guard but quickly closed his eyes wrapped his arms around her kissing her back as the audience was cheering for them but they couldn't hear them as they were kissing each other and for Ruby and Jaune, them being together is all that mattered