#a lot of my family members are still in the ‘don’t ask dont tell’ mindset

[katierosefun]

lmao sorry for being so slow on prompts friends! turns out my mom wanted to talk my ear off on the car ride home, so there’s a good chance i might just do them really late tonight or tomorrow, but!! i have a bunch of prompts i’ll get to!

[2badshewonteatacookie]

HOW TO STOP BINGING

Hey guys,

I see a lot of people who are struggling with binge eating in this Community. And I don't mean the "oh I ate over 1000 calories" binging, I mean the 3.000 -over 10.000 calories binging.

My Story : I always had a fast metabolism and was always the skinny girl who would eat a lot. Then I discoverd the pro-ana community and I thought I could become even skinnier, so I started restricting, but I always stayed over 1000 calories. I lost a lot of weight people where concerned and always commenting on how skinny and unhealthy I looked blablabla, I loved it. But then I would have these cravings and I would eat a lot, so I got back to my starting weight, over the years it got worse because I would try to restrict during the week and always binge on the weekend. Holidays where the worst, because I had no routine and would binge every day. Last year I finshed high school and started a gap year in the USA and maybe going to the US with binge eating disorder was the worst Idea of my life. In the last 8 month I gained over 22 lbs /10 kg. A lot of shit happend at home and I wasn't there, so I would eat my feelings, I would stay in bed for weeks and eat 10 whole meals a day until I thought I would die from a heart attack because I ate so much. I have a 9 to 5 job in an Office right now, so I dont move a lot. Most days I get up go to Work and have lunch, go back home have dinner, eat a lot of Snacks watch TV go to bed. But since a few weeks I am binge free, I still eat too much and not healthy all the time, but it's getting better slowly and I already lost some Weight. So here are my things that help me.

🌻Accept it.

You have Binge eating disorder, Yeah it sucks, and it's gonna happen again! Nothing sucks more than having this anorexic beauty standart /goal in your head, but binge eating at the same time. But this is where we are right now, so accept it. And dont promise yourself to never binge again, this will put you under pressure and you will most likley binge again! Promise yourself to get better.

🥗 Eat healthy.

All this processed food will lead to more cravings and wont make you full. Also healthy food is lower in calories, more nutrional and will make you feel better.

📺 Eat mindful.

Don't eat in front of any media. If you have time prepare your food and eat slowly. I used to eat every meal while watching something on my Phone, to the point where I couldnt watch something without craving food. Yeah eating in silence is boring but it will stop you from over eating. Also dont eat in your room!

🕛Eat regulary

Try to eat at the same time every Day. That doesnt mean you have to eat exactley at 12pm but try to eat around that time. What Works for me is having 3 big meals a day. But there are so many options like 3 meals two snacks etc. Just try to have a routine. It helps especially when you have trouble knowing when you are hungry or full. I try not to eat after 7pm because I know that thats mostly emotional /binge eating. And dont freak out if something unplanned is happening and you can't eat at that certain time. Its ok thats life. Try again tomorrow.

👭Eat with friends.

Especially when you feel like binging. Call a friend, do a sleepover. Eating with others will stop you from eating like a pig. Maybe you will still overeat but at least not until your stomache hurts.

😴 Get enough sleep.

If you lack of sleep your body is trying to get the energy from food, so you will eat more. Try to get 7-9 hours every night. And have a certain bedtime. I had most of my binges after 10pm but if you sleep you can't eat!

🏡 Get out of the house.

If you are at home it's easier to binge. No one is watching you and you have all the food around you. Try to have something to do every Day. Meet with friends, get a hobby. Even if you have work to do, do it somewhere else like the libary.

🙅Avoid Stress.

Bad feelings like stress will lead to binging. If you have a big project to do and you don't know how to start and you procastinate, that will lead to guild and stress. Start early, ask for help, prepare for a binge. Dont let other people Stress you, especially family members love to tell you how many things you should be doing and how far you are behind and how easy it is to do All of this. Its ok, breathe, especially with Depression and an eating disorder it often feels like you are stuck in life and everyone else figured it out. Its not like that! Your trying! As long as you keep trying you are not stuck!!!

👸Don't compare yourself to others!!!!

This is maybe the most improtant one. Dont compare yourself, yes there are people where it seems like there are perfect, they have all this energy and they are good in everything. But who cares? They are not you, you should only compare yourself with yourself. Everything else will make you feel like you can never do it and you will never be good enough. But if you only Focus on your own progress you will get happy and stay motivated.

🐢 Be slow.

Yes I know we all want to see change as soon as possible. But change takes time. Think about where you would be right now if you made slow but constant progress?! Yeah we see all these people who eat under 1000 calories exercise every day and have straight A's. But you tried that right? It worked for a week and then you binge again. Dont overwhelm yourself Start slow. Start with one challange a week. Set yourself realistic Goals. For example exercise 4 times a week. Thats your goal for the week nothing else. You could stay in bed all Day and eat, as long as you exercise 4 times a week. It works, I promise you wont stay in bed all Day, but if your brain thinks you could then it doesnt feel like restricting and you wont binge. Its So weird but the Moment you tell yourself Im gonna binge again and it's ok, you are less likley to binge. The mindset, I never gonna binge again, is the most dangerous.

⭐Dont be a fucking perfectionist!

I told myself so many times Im gonna eat healthy and then I would eat one drop of olive oil and be like fuck it now Im gonna eat 10.000 calories of junk! There are so many diffrend ways to reach your goal! Not this one perfect way. And even the most perfect people are not always perfect. You dont have to be perfect to reach your goal!!!!!!!! Slow progress!!!! Kill your All or nothing mindest!!

🍕Enjoy your binge.

If you are about to binge, keep calm, Trink some water. Call a friend, prepare your binge food, try to make it more healthy,for example vegan junk food or stuff like hummus and Avocado, wich are tasty and high in calories but healthy. Binging on more healthy food will make you feel better than binging on McDonalds and your skin is not going to break out, also it is hader to eat as many calories with healthy food. Enjoy the food, dont just swallow it!

🚫Dont restrict the day after!

It seems so logic right? I binge, now Im gonna starve the next Day. But this will ALWAYS lead to another binge. Dont skip meals! Move on as if nothing happend!

🤸Learn to fill the void

Lets be honest there are only 2 reason why we binge,1. You don't eat enough and your body is trying to get the nutrition. And 2. you're trying to feel better. Tasty food is releasing Dopamin and we feel good, at least while we are eating. But after you binge you feel disgusting and like a failure. So you have to find something else to fill that void. I read once that for every Bad habit you want to break you need 5 good habits. So find something that makes you happy. Start your Day dancing to your favourite songs. Meet with friends. Exercise. Watch your favourite Show without any distraction. Draw. Masturbate :) whatever makes you happy.

🌈Stay motivated.

Remember, progress is slow. Sometimes you wont see any change, your brain will tell you it's not worth it and to just give up. Remember why you started. Keep a tumblr with stuff that inspires and motivates you, but don’t compare yourself with others! Search for people who have the same problems it's not a race, be Kind to each other motivate each other. And don’t use your whole energy for this one goal, focuse on other things in life, time will go faster that way. Dont search for change in the morrior everyday! You got this!

🍑Hope this helps someone. If you have more Tips please share. If you have questions ask me and if you want to chat, message me.

Sorry for my spelling btw.

[daisy--sorbet]

heyyy, hope you’re having a good night!! if you have the energy and feel okay answering, what’s up w taz graduation? i haven’t checked it out yet but i was thinking ab it. just asking bc you’re the first person i saw talk ab the show having serious issues, but also feel free to not answer this!! hope you have a good week!

i took a nice hot bath, had a strawberry kiwi capri-sun, and did a nice face mask and i’m feeling pretty good - so, y’know what anon? let’s talk about it. 

for anyone who likes taz grad who sees this post: it’ll be tagged with “taz grad hate” (although i feel hate is definitely a very strong word - it’s for the simplicity of tagging it) - so please block the tag if you don’t want to see this post (especially because i put a readmore on a post before and it didn’t show up on mobile and instead gave the full post). mobile tumblr has a tag blocking system, so please feel free to use it! i don’t mind haha

anyway, so this is... probably going to be a lost post, and i wanna go ahead and preface it: this absolutely isn’t any hate on the mcelroys themselves. i love the brothers and their dad a lot, and while i doubt any of them would ever see this (or have it sent to them, or shown to them, because im pretty sure they try to distance themselves from this sort of thing), i just want to make it clear that criticizing a product is different than bashing a person. which brings me to the point of if i do end up sounding as if im bashing someone - please call me out on it! it’s not my intention to target anyone.

with that said, let’s talk about this campaign.

so my problems are as thus: the railroading, the shipping (a fandom problem, but it’s present in the podcast), the NPCs, and some misc problems others have addressed better than i have.

which. i know. that’s basically the entire podcast. (i promise i’ll bring up some positive points to balance it all out). keep in mind i’ve only personally listened to... what, six episodes? and it was enough for me to drop it. some people dropped it first ep, some dropped it ep four, and others are still forcing themselves to listen.

the railroading

there was a time i could handle travis and his railroading [making sure the story goes exactly the way he has planned], because it was the very beginning of the podcast and that’s what you can kind of expect from a plot-heavy podcast. hell, i wouldn’t mind it if the interactions and goofs weren’t a huge part of why i listen to TAZ in particular (which, by the way, is why amnesty still stuck out to me - even if there was a direction griffin wanted to push them towards, the interactions between the players (or players and npcs) made up for any railroading). it’s kind of hard to not railroad a little when it’s story-heavy and you’re trying to built up a world that you’ve put a lot of thought into. however, a huge part of d&d is the spontaneity. 

it’s kind of why i think balance was so popular. while there was railroading towards the end, there was the presence of improv that made it all good. most mcelroy content is enjoyed because of the goofs. the magic brian moment is memorable. the jenkin’s fight still stands out because it was funny (albeit a result of some bad rolls). the boys teasing angus sticks out because the four would play well off of each other. even without that - griffin had talked about how he had to roll with things (the fact he had planned for a fight atop the train, but ditched the idea for what his family members came up with instead). even in amnesty, a couple moments that stick out to me still are ned with the jetpack taking out a pizza hut sign, and the scene with the water where jake was trapped inside. they aren’t as fun, but they still stand out as “things i didnt expect to really end the way they did.”

with grad, it’s just. one after another. the thundermen want to subpoena a xorn? cool, let’s run with that until actually the xorn gets fed rocks and goes home and who cares about the subpoena now. fitzroy wants to keep his cloak? lets talk about it for a while and you also get no rolls to even try to keep it. fitzroy goes to meet higglemas in his office? oh, why are you here fitzroy? im going to keep asking you until you answer fitzroy? you arent getting out of this scene until you answer me, fitzroy, so just tell me why you’re here already, alright, fitzroy? 

and even later in a episode i read a transcript of: hey argo, remember how you have this whole secret motivation? fuck you, im gonna talk about it here in your dream and reveal it to listeners and remove any tension you had building up, and you dont get a choice to talk about it because this all-knowing villain knows all about it :)

and even NOW in the latest episode, there’s a comment that “we should cap argo’s skills here” instead of just... making the checks higher. rogues are good at certain things and usually arent the best in battles. better hope argo never makes it to level 11, because who knows how people are gonna handle the fact that he gets a skill that’ll make it so certain skills can’t have a roll below 10 (reliable talent). 

(griffin, thankfully, calls travis out for that, but still - travis, why would you even imply that, considering you should be aware of how rogues work considering magnus multiclassed into rogue and you played one on tiny heist?)

and in the newest episode, their Big Bad chaos (which, god, i personally hate that name) straight-out says “dont do this” to the thundermen. travis tries to say, on twitter, “a character saying “dont do this” is different than me saying it” but i need to point out that it’s one thing if you’ve said “no” in character but worked with the PCs doing otherwise, but the railroading says differently.

the shipping

ill try to make this quick, because it’s nothing to do with the fandom (ship however you want, man) - but i really feel the need to draw attention to this.

fitzroy, as confirmed by griffin in a ttazz episode, is asexual. not aroace, but ace nonetheless. and i find it... troublesome that the idea of rainer and fitzroy having a relationship is still pushed nonetheless, despite the fact that fitzroy (to my knowledge) was never once shown to reciprocate any feelings. not to be that person, but i really hope that grad doesnt have any sort of romantic relationships in it (at least - not between NPCs and PCs unless they’re actually like... warranted?). 

i dont know, man. one of my closest friends is ace, and i know she wants a relationship, but i think it would reassure her a lot to see an ace character who isn’t pushed into one in case she ever changes her mind. someone once mentioned that they hope fi/tz/ra/in doesnt happen because theres relationships that have that “oh, you can just date” and it goes upwards there to “oh, you can have sex just to please them <3″  (which, to be honest, is kind of a gross mindset - if someone isnt interested, they arent interested).

also, uh, the TTAZZ where griffin states this, there’s kind of the mention tht the whole sexuality question was posed in relation to the episode “creative thinking” (the dream one i mentioned earlier) - which. uh. i don’t know if anyone caught this, but... rainer straight-up wrote fitzroy a letter in the dream like “are you going to accept my proposal? a girl doesn’t like to be left waiting” which. leaves me with some gross feelings because uh.

if... if the whole thing about fitzroys sexual orientation was addressed here, then why would you push your ship anyway? feels kinda iffy, man.

to which i want to say: fitzroy can date. he’s allowed to date. griffins allowed to do whatever he wants with his character. but when a lot of the flirting is met with nothing, i’m not gonna see the chemistry there. just because travis ships it doesn’t mean it’s canon.

the npcs

ah yes. lets talk about the npcs.

there’s... a lot. a lot a lot. i think travis trimmed down how many were present in a scene, but uh. there’s still a lot. and... uh... i kinda wish there wasn’t?

look, i know im going back to balance/amnesty, but just. hang in there for a moment. chill with me. vibe. 

balance didnt have too many NPCs present at all times in each mini-arc. gerblins had some big names like barry, klarg, gundren, killian, yeemick, and magic brian. rockport limited had angus, jess, graham the juicy wizard jenkins, and all of the tom bodetts mentioned. 

amnestys first arc had mama, barclay, jake, dani, pigeon, kirby, minerva, and that was about it for like. big names? and not all of them were present in each scene. 

in the first episode of grad alone: gary, hernandez, jimson, rolandus, zana, rhodes, buckminster eden, rainer, leon, tomas, hieronymous, higglemas, stuart, jackle, bartholomeus, mulligan, groundsy, germaine/victoria/rattles (the skeleton crew). and those are the ones i wrote down (minus groundsy, who i just. ignores. idk him).

like holy shit, my english prof got onto me for having too many characters in my first chapter and i didnt even have half the amount listed there! 

it’s just a huge cast. does this take place in a school? yes! theres bound to be a lot of students present - but you don’t have to name every single one of them, at least not in the first episode!

the miscellaneous

i don’t know if travis ever actually addressed it, but wheelchair users have actually like... said that rainer’s introduction bothered them, because she was like “please ask me abt my wheelchair :)” when travis saying she was in an ornate chair would have sufficed. 

uh. the colonization vibes people have discussed within the centaur arc. mentioned here, the replies here, and this post (and its replies) here as well.

the overall lack of d&d when the campaign was kind of advertised as a return to d&d if i remember correctly

also no one seems to be taking literally any criticism at all which like. ignoring the petty shit, sure, but people have stopped donating to taz and their listener-ship must have dropped some during this entire time - you’d think that maybe someone could say “we need to find out why people dont like the thing and fix the thing” consider this is. yknow. their livelihood.

anyway uhhh 

tl;dr: travis railroads way too much (even now), the shipping in-game has become pushy and gross (especially bc its shoving a relationship onto an asexual character), theres too many npcs that dont stand out well enough, and no ones taking any criticism about the major issues with grad. 

[newsiepedia]

So, I'm auditing for Jack next weekend and i was wondering if you might have any advice? I'm at a slight disadvantage because im a 'girl' so i want to get as prepared as possible. thank you so much and its chill if you cant or dont want to give me advice!

Don’t worry, I live for these kinds of asks! Although, take my advice with a grain of salt- I’ve only been to one audition, and I didn’t get the part I wanted. So anyway, here’s some tips:

Find out what Jack Kelly means to you. Sure, some of his traits are written in stone (the script) and can’t be changed, but by changing the emotions of certain lines you can make him a totally different character from, say, Jeremy Jordan’s interpretation. Think about how your Jack would say lines, and how that would show his personality. Having your own interpretation shows that you put a lot of work into auditioning, and thus would work hard during the show.

Take a good look at the audition materials. If you’re given a set number of monologues and songs from the show to pick from, you’ve got an easy task- just take the ones that Jack says. If you have to pick your own song, use that interpretation of Jack to find one that expresses your unique take on the character.

Annotate your materials. The most important part of an audition is your emotions, so make sure you’re prepared to act! Print out your song lyrics and monologue, and take note of the emotional shifts, inflection, and other things that will help you sell the part. 

Practice! You want to have both your words and your emotional shifts memorized for the audition, especially because nerves make it hard to remember what you wanted to say. Sing your song until you could sing it in your sleep, and practice your monologue in front of friends or family to get feedback. I didn’t do this, and oh boy, did I regret it.

Make a good first impression. On the day of your audition, wear something that looks nice and helps you get into the mindset of Jack. Be polite to your fellow prospective actors and the people running the audition. Convince the casting director that not only would you be good for the role, but you’d be a helpful and friendly addition to the cast. Especially as a principle, you’d be a guiding figure for ensemble members, so it’s important you come off as likable.

Don’t stress it! You’re gonna do great, and even if you don’t get cast as Jack its still good experience. I believe in you. And when you have results, please tell me! Wishing you luck! ~ mod strings

[hell-o-comfort]

 i guess im gonna try and restart the personal journal thing i had intended originally for this blog, but ill keep it tagged so it can be blocked/ignored & under the cut if im being followed by people who don’t have interest in that kindve stuff ! 

its a lot easier for me than keeping up with a physical journal, which sounds ridiculous but is mostly because this’ll be at my fingertips whenever i need and feels more secure than something in my house

its kindve jarring to find out that your household and family arent as good as you always thought

not just in the ways of “their mindset is kind of bad”, or even “really bad”,

but in the way that your family’s damaging your health. it’s scary to genuinely look at the words “mental abuse” and be so overwhelmed with anxiety at the thought of ever labeling your family like that, both out of fear that maybe you were wrong all along, maybe that pain you're dealing with isn’t valid, isn’t any kind’ve real abuse, just “tough family life” or something like that, and out of fear of things being so bad.

i’d never really looked far enough into it, until the last year. never really processed how my aunt’s manipulative, how my grandmother blames me for everything or gets angry at me for not knowing the things because she didn’t teach me. gets mad at me because i don't know how to clean something, how to work something, how to keep myself from spiraling out of control and then having the gall to say “i’m working on it” when i beg her to teach me or help me learn. i never really realized it until my grandmothers fiance was drunk and yelled at me down the hallway for the first time ever in my life, getting angry at me for not having eaten dinner but having dared take a tiny, bite-sized frozen snicker out of the freezer. i never really realized it until i was shaking out of fear that it’d escalate, with my grandmother stepping in to stop him. i never really realized it until the dinner i had eaten dinner and that in my attempt to make something for myself as a snack, hearing his voice to my grandmother in a sharp tone, talking annoyedly about how “we need to figure out what all of us likes.” as if i hadn’t eaten the shitty canned-prepared food. it wasn’t like he didn’t know how to make anything more, he did, and i always ate the things he put effort into. 

its scary, the more things i pick up on being unhealthy. the way my grandmother blows up on me, getting mad i forgot one thing that led to a small mess, as if a single mistake i’d never made before justified her irritation and muttering. as if i’d want to say “thank you” to her after making me feel like melting into a puddle of guilt and regret for asking for her help, instead’ve just trying better to handle it myself. “you can say thank you” for what? making me cry because you told me in an angry voice that i should never be allowed food back in my room again, that because i’d never dealt with the ants back there, that they’d never shown up there before or gotten to any food there before, that i should have known better? i’m still young. im still terribly young compared to you and everyone and age in general. i still have plenty of first-time mistakes to make, don’t make me so afraid to make more.

i still remember my aunt crying because at the poor age of six i had broken down, before i even know i had anxiety, sobbing and saying i couldn’t stay over for a sleep-over because it made me want to throw up, made my body shake and my head spiral with panic i didnt know was panic. i still remember her crying, trying to pretend her feelings were hurt that i was so genuinely panicked and troubled, that she was justified in forcing me through something i didn’t want, the way my grandmother played along with it. i was six when i realized that my outward panic and distress would get me nowhere but guilt-tripping. no attempts to calm me down, no telling me why i was panicked, no helping me calm down. just “stop crying”s, “why are you crying”s i couldn’t begin to identify to tell them, i was only six, and then the guilt of forcing me to stay at a household i didnt want to, with a part of my family i was scared and uncomfortable with. i remember just wanting to go home the entire time.

i remember when i used to at the very least enjoy my cousins, until the oldest disolved into racist jokes, profanities and jokes made out of serious problems, making my chest tighten and realize why i’d felt so disgusted by him when i finally heard him make those jokes. but, seeing from the way every other child is prioritized, showered in gifts and good things, given the help they need, pitied, i suddenly realized that i am not important. i suddenly realized i was not a priority. am i too late to help? is that why they dont look at me with pity? why they don’t say “he has anxiety, he can’t help it”? but his unjust fits of rage and anger and threats to hurt his little sisters are okay, because he “cant help it, he has anger issues! hes working on it.” 

i still remember pinning him away from lily because he rose his hand, threatening to hit her for playing on the phone. i remember hissing “don’t fucking touch her,” i remember for the first time feeling like i could stand up for somebody. i still remember how that became the start of when i really hated him, for threatening to hurt a four year old because she wanted to play a phone. i still remember that and i still remember how i was told that wasn’t a valid reason. i still remember how they did nothing, never soclded or talked to him about it.

i still remember learning i am not a priority, that i am not important and that i might as well rot away here like a sad-story-rapunzel, never going outside and never getting to do things, stuck in a tower and scared of the real world, not sure what it’s really like because ive always been so indoors. the only two family members that understand me are the ones that passed down this anxiety. i don’t blame them, though. i’d never be mad at them for this. at least they knew what it was like. at least my grandpa told me he had anxiety, how my dad struggled with it and never got therapy for it either. it made me see why he was so understanding, so “easy” on me in my grandmothers words. he was the one that understood, he was the one that helped push for my therapy. of course, she only gave in so easily the first and last year i had therapy when i was twelve because it directly stopped me from functioning and doing schoolwork. but i guess until im in crutches again, it won’t be dire enough to her to get me into therapy.

[xtreme-icecream]

since the weather’s a little sunny with a chance of superhero au on my dash here’s blueprints for an muse+aqours one i made but never shared; ‘tis nearly a year old

Blurb: Once upon a time in Japan’s Capital of Heroes™ (slightly sci-fi Akihabara) there was a team of seven superheroes that the public Idolized (hehe). since i’m reconstructing my memory by pulling stuff out of my ass we’ll call them the Dream Team, and atm they still dont have permanent superhero names but they were Honoka (glorious leader), Umi, Kotori, Eli, Nozomi, Nico and Maki.

They ran a good four years of Justice until one day Super Nozomi went MIA, which was bad because she had a pretty important role in keeping the whole band together. It Was Never The Same Again. stuff went downhill from there--Super Nico and Super Maki handled a lot of the PR after that which made it even worse when they disappeared next. the rumor mill revved up 2 turbo mode, and the public p much thought that the Dream Team’s time was over. a few hopefuls held that they’d get back on their feet somehow, but unfortunately for them especially, the next person to go missing after a heroic deed was glorious leader Honoka.

what was left of the dream team was more than just discouraged, but even after this, they still had to defend Justice. so they kept it up.

As they continued to work, tracking down their old teammates on the side, their biggest fan, Chika Takami from Uchiura (far far from sci-fi akiba) discovers her own set of superpowers, and alongside her friend You, a nearly-graduated sidekick herself, they visit sci-fi akiba to get advice and hopefully lend a hand to her heroes.

the visit goes awry when an evil robot that makes things blow up attacks, but that incident allows Chika and You a chance to join their heroes For Real. from there, the Dream Team (with the help of the Chikafriends) try to rebuild their name

and now for the good, the bad, and the wishy-washy (good vs. bad according to in-universe news outlets and idk genre meta stuff)

The Good Guys

Like any respectable team of superheroes, these guys all work together in the same city, same HQ. (also for Reasons i gave everyone archnemeses so in case everyone has to fight in an epic battle of life or death we know what the matchups are, but also they really do fight each other often and there are personal issues there)

1. Eli: - the new leader, taking the position after Honoka. kinda stressed out since the team’s in a bit of a tight spot as far as public and government approval goes. - she’s kitsune themed not just because i’m unoriginal, but Also because it’s matchy-matchy with shrine-priestess-themed nozomi - they might’ve been a two-person team before joining honk & co. idk - her powers include anti-demon blue fire, Regular blue fire, antigravity (limited to herself, so she can jump kinda floaty), and a spirit sense that clues her in on how her Squad is - manages the team overall - archnemesis:  Super Kanan 

2. Umi: - the second-in-command, even when honk was around - aside from being publicly acknowledged as a superhero and being four years older, she’s basically canon umi groomed for heroism - No secret identity. the sonoda family is a family of superpowerless superheroes that’s been in action since the birth of newspaper - blames herself the most for what happened to honk - her “powers” include archery, swordsmanship, being Umi, and several martial arts. probably can also use a gun if she has to. - Team Chika’s advisor, kind of. she signed up to take responsibility for them - Not ‘Batman With A Sword’!! - archnemesis: Super Dia

3. Kotori - Mom - also Very Super. superhuman strength, flight, fire and wind manipulation, six big strong wings, supernatural senses. she’s a seraph, george - a watcher-type angel, too. generally has some idea of what’s going on in akiba, but she still appreciates surveillance technology bc even she wants to turn her brain off sometimes - the Chikasquad likes to go to her to circumvent Umi’s Iron Fisted Ass. it works 90% of the time - best public approval. very nice to people she saves. spends the most time outside HQ for solo Justice, and sometimes even leaves the city for a bit - archnemesis: Super Yoshiko

4. Hanayo - formerly an apprentice of nico. she joined the team properly shortly after nico went missing, and succeeded her Super Identity even if their powers and uh personality are kinda different - still learning about her powers! learns very quickly though. kind of a natural actually, and would be a grade-A hero if she was a little less shy in front of the news - already a part of the team, but relates to the Chikasquad about being treated like a trainee. she is a cool super senpai - her powers include superhuman strength, speed and senses, regeneration, near invulnerability. very powerful, but the powers only recently stabilized👀 - she keeps rin’s secrets but at what cost - archnemesis: none really; ruby’s kinda her “villainous” counterpart but she’s hardly a villain and they’re even kinda friends 

5. Riko - kinda like maki’s sidekick. not a proper member of the team because her powers are hard to learn and she’s still young and inexperienced - technically ChikaYou’s senior in the crimefighting department, but she’s not looking to be a leader - ChikaYou think she’s good enough to be promoted to proper membership. Riko has Doubts - manipulates Sound. very complicated power like if she’s not careful she could level a portion of city by making somethin loud enough. also she can do stuff like distort her voice, mimic other voices, make noise from out of nowhere, etc. stretch the science a lil i guess - one morbid technique maki taught her is to make a heart beat so loud it kind of explodes and breaks the person’s chest from the inside. Stretch the Science - also, superhuman hearing and some acrobatics skill - archnemesis: Super Maki

6. Chika - Honoka’s biggest fan!!! - more clever than she appears, but also may be a bit too eager to leap into the fray - takes the lead whenever she, You and Riko fight crime, but still thinks they’re better suited to think of strategy and stuff. tends to be in the middle anyway. - hopes to get the respect that will make the Dream Team finally tell her what dark secrets they’re hiding about The Incidents. she can smell a conspiracy - kind of weird powers. flight, fireballs (more like small stars really), small to mid-scale explosions, heat resistance, invulnerability to burns, regeneration. she can survive alone in space too but that’s not coming up anytime soon - archnemesis: Super Honoka, but she has to learn it’s Honoka

7. You - formerly a sidekick to her father (i call him Captain Pacific) she’s now an independent super identity - before chika got her powers they had that dynamic where theyre like ‘Superhero in high school + their normal best friend who knows their secret identity’ and she got this old mindset where she as a super needs to keep chika safe even now that chika has powers and can finally return the favor - also kind of?? rivals with riko?? not romantically, more like city hero vs. small town hero, plans vs. action, etc. these differences are kind of why chika’s the leader - her superhero identity is liger-themed fsr???? i don’t know!! shes not a boat or an anchor in any case. big cats make good superheroes maybe -  superhuman strength and senses, water manipulation, night vision, Buoyancy manipulation (she will make things float in the air if she wants, george). also some special armor. not the type for spandex   - archnemesis: Super Rin (Not because she’s the other nya)

The Bad Guys

like your usual rogues gallery, these guys dont really work together and just wreak havoc independently....... until the big twist that they all really Were in cahoots reveals itself!!! idk if they are tho, the good guys ^ are where most of my brainpower went. theyre numbered but really there’s no order.

1. Nico - in a villainous trio with RinMaki, kind of their leader - her aesthetic now that she’s Evil is assassin-ish which is totally Not nico. the cops will never suspect heehee (she doesnt kill people tho even if she totally can) - her powers include super regeneration (yes Super), super senses, and super strength. also now she has knives n swords n guns. Deadpool nico - for her mundane identity she’s a nico nico neet i think, living apart from her family - archnemesis: Mari, but in an ‘oh fuck not you again’ way kinda

2. Rin - Hanayo’s old friend. she lets hanayo in on the fact that she’s workin on some shady stuff with nickmack but she also asks hanayo to only tip the team off at the right time...... mysterious - currently maki’s schoolmate in her mundane identity. keeps up with schoolwork and crime despite having no life-juggling training with the help of her superpowers - rin is fast in that her neural system works at multiple times the speed of a regular person. fast brain, fast action, a+ coordination and memory skills. more clever than your average rin - also she’s still a star athlete that can parkour with the best of them and recently got her paws on some high-tech hacker/spyware. eventually she even learns to mod it herself - she’s lynx themed get it -leaves villain calling cards. for The Plan - archnemesis: Super You

3. Maki - kinda very sad about leaving her old team, esp riko, whom she was supposed to mentor, but like she wont show it - sure they steal but she still has Money just in case. also she has some houses to hide out in i guess - kind of mission control now. only reveals herself in the most dramatic moments. kind of a big deal - regenerates, can help others regenerate, can straight up manipulate blood n stuff. can also sense heartbeats and make hearts explode (not that she has). Danger danger - archnemesis: Super Riko :(

4. Yoshiko - Died and was resurrected as some kind of pseudo-angel ofc. doesnt remember her life as a human and fsr nothing comes up in investigation either. slightly concerned about the fact that no one who knew her is looking for her and about the lack of such people in the first place - has a bad handle on her powers. her flight and invulnerability do their jobs, but her fires start at bad times and her feathers feel a little more like needles than down and Also they shoot. porcupine bullet wings. her super senses give her headaches. sucks to be her - her flavor of villainy is more like ‘local safety hazard flies again’ - ‘yoshiko’s dead, george. I’m yohane now’  - archnemesis: Super Kotori, whom she’s naturally opposed to fsr

5. Ruby - woke up from some kind of sci-fi stasis with powers, was confused, accidentally blew shit up and got locked up. very stressful beginning for ruby - she’s staying in the basement of HQ while they observe her and try to help her manage her explosive powers. Hanayo, especially, tries to help - vaguely remembers having a sister. also has positive feelings about some ‘hanamaru’ - again her archnemesis is a Friend so

6. Dia - woke up from some kind of sci-fi stasis missing some of her old skeleton and a portion of her spine. she’s part terminator now - on that note she’s got Very Fast reflexes now and among other things, a more efficient circulatory system. doesnt tire easily. also immune to electric shock and is cybernetically connected with her special Not-Adamantium™ sword+armor. most bullet wounds are nonlethal to her. - is looking for ruby. among other things - incidentally her mask is very important to her because her mole as a facial feature is really incriminating. no clark kenting for her - lowkey wanted to be Eli’s right hand man in the past. ended up being enemies with Eli’s actual right hand - archnemesis: Umi

7. Kanan - she’s like if sharkboy was also a waterbender and an eel. aqualad but with more Teeth. u feel - tbh idk what her personal agenda is anymore but she’s kind of a cowboy - buddies with dia in both their identities. inconvenient hiding her gills tho - also they share origin stories but the corrosive vat of radioactive waste or w/e turned her into a fish person instead of melting her from the inside like it did with dia - archnemesis: Super Eli

The Other Guys

the news doesnt know what to make of them. theyre very mysterious 

1. Honoka - honoka’s body is missing (hidden in an evil lair somewhere) but portions of her mind and powers were uploaded into a robot. honkbot gradually gets more honoka-like with every encounter it was with the Dream Team - as a robot, her steel does not melt and no substance on earth can scratch it. probably can crush her tho  - Lots of Fire. breathes fire, shoots fire, flies with fire, kind of a human-shaped tank with flamethrowers. honoka as a fleshy also could not be burnt (but she probs couldnt survive in space) - honoka’s mind does her best to hack the robot. with her mind. - archnemesis: Super Chika ofc

2. Nozomi - knows shit. what shit? only she knows - kind of friendly with yoshiko and tries to help out but yoshiko is equal parts shy and abrasive with people so they dont hang much - telepathic, can see spirits, sometimes gets glimpses of the future. her cards can cut things - the wildest of wildcards. gives tips to Everyone - also leaves contact cards. she can weaponize them tho - no archnemesis

3. Hanamaru - i’ll be frank i have no idea what maru can do but chances are she’s met nozomi - most likely a human burdened with knowledge of super affairs - maybe she remembers yoshiko too. maybe she connects it all - no archnemesis

4. Mari - powers: Money. also her left arm is entirely robotic. she lost it saving kanan and dia from radioactive Death. it’s bulletproof, can shoot things, communicate with her personal vehicles, and has wifi tho - doesnt really involve herself much with stuff going on but she’s biding her time and savings, waiting for The Right Moment. vague - keeps an eye on everyone and everything but especially KanaDia, who have unfortunately split up from her. she keeps them alive tho - actually she’s responsible for turning Dia into Samurai!Terminator. (dia consented to it ofc) - no secret identity! mari ohara being a cyborg is just another celebrity fun fact - archnemesis: Super Nico, who keeps stealing her stuff!! she doesnt mind too much tho

side info: - the Dream Team are also kind of the spiritual successors of Tsubasa, Anju and Erena (we’ll call them the Arisers). Honoka is Tsubasa’s literal successor, but by the time of that succession the three of them has disbanded, mostly bc Tsubasa fuckin Died. - saint snow are probably telepathic parkour artists or someth. also good guys tho. if the plot ever goes to sci-fi hokkaido we’ll see them there - t b h  shion girls academy are their own justice league, and YG international school are international supers who do superheroics in two countries. supers everywhere - Captain Pacific is an international super too - right now it’s no plot just lore

[drashleighreid]

i'm having a really really rough day (week, month, year..) and i just wanted to tell you that scrolling through your blog always makes me feel a lot better so thank you. do you have any tips for feeling better when you're having a bad day

oh I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time my sweetpea :( literally if its any solace im gna fkn cry reading this omfg the fact that my blog could bring happiness to anyone ???? wild ! thank you so much for telling me that. you’re a very nice person! 

and I know it’s so hard when you’re in that space to pull yourself out of it, especially if you’ve been in it for a while. i feel like there’s a really fine line between riding the wave and wallowing tbh. I’m a strong advocate for feeling your feelings, it sucks and is uncomfortable but sitting in them exploring them understanding them feeling them to their fullest extent is really important i think. burying them never helps anyone or anything. i have a few things if i’m feeling down ! writing out what you’re feeling helps a lot! you dont have to share it anywhere but solidifying everything you feel in a physical way really helps to compartmentalise and give you some semblance of control over your feelings!! if all of the things you’re stressed ab are just swirling around in your mind it can be easy to become overwhelmed by them !! 

i know its hard but take some time to do the things you enjoy !! watch something funny !! i got really into watching standup comedy when i was having a super rough time because it was a lovely balance of cynicism that was perfect for the mindset i was in but still was hilarious and would make me laugh lol. but it wasnt super cheery or obnoxious like some sitcoms can be. but funny tv shows! something mindless !! i play a lot of mindless games too like apps on my phone and findawords and sudoku ! things like that that keep my mind occupied but aren’t too overwhelming. 

its super hard sometimes but getting up and getting out of the house can make a world of difference! a few months ago i was having the shittest day and i knew if i stayed home and sat around it would make me feel worse so i forced myself up and out and i went and tried a new cafe i’d been wanting to go to and when i got there they ended up having a resident cat !!! and i dont know if she could sense that i needed it but out of all of the other people in the whole cafe she got out of her bed by the window and wandered over to me and jumped up in my lap and let me pet her for almost half an hour while i drank my coffee !! and it literally turned my whole mood around omfg. but the universe is on your side tbh !!! little acts of self love and positivity can make a world of difference. whether its going for a walk, or taking a shower washing your face, putting on a face mask, tidying up a corner of your desk, messaging something nice to an old friend or a family member, treating yourself to a coffee. anything. 

honestly i understand how hard it is to feel that low. emotions are a bitch and i know its easy for me to give you this advice, but its super flingin difficult to implement any of it when it feels like lifes against you and you don’t have the energy to fight it anymore. its rough and im so sorry for whatever it is you’re going through right now. i truly and honestly wish you all the best. 

if you ever just need an ear to listen please know that im always here !! my ask box is always open for anyone for any reason ! so please if you’re having a shitty time and just want to vent or anything i care a lot and would love to listen and help out in any way that i can !! 

lots of love to you my friend i hope you’re able to find comfort in something today xx 

[promisemelove]

H A P P I N E S S

What is happiness? everyone wants Happiness in life Then , and once you have happiness you never want to let it go due to it being so hard to keep and it seems so temporary. A speaker named Owen said we are depressed because we can't get enough of what we don't want. If you take a society and tell them to get all these things because all these things will make you happy, the more you get these “happy things” you still won't be happy because you don't want it. Now others find bits and pieces of happiness in certain places or having precious moments. Personally, I feel pleasure when I pick up a pencil and write about ever thought, everything I want to remember forever, so when I do find happiness, i'll remember the bits and pieces and moments that led to it. My point is that happiness to me is the fulfillment in yourself. Like what do you want out of life? Out Of a relationship, out of a job. What do you want to learn. What do you want to gain. Before you find happiness,you have to look at what you already have. Gratitude. If you have something good keep it and if its not learn to let it go or take the hand you’ve been dealt and create something positive out of it. You can't find happiness unless you are grateful for what you have first. As humans we create all of our experiences, and we have to go through life with these experiences and learn from them and pass it on to someone else and then they pass that on etc. I feel like life is learning and teaching from and to others. Now why is it easier for sadness to come then happiness. You get stuck in this mindset where you feel like you’re worthless and life is too hard and nothing is worth it and you're just a spec on the planet. Sadness and pain is temporary, and being happy takes strength. Finding happiness and fulfillment is difficult but something so tragic can come in a second. That's life, and life is pretty confusing. You can think of life as experiencing, as enlightenment, or having as much fun as possible . No matter what your interpretation of life is, it shouldn't be you just existing, it should be you living and enjoying it with a smile. Not that you can't be sad, but you want to always feel comfortable where you end up in life and that makes you worried. Is it always gonna be like this? Are you always gonna feel sad? By a breakup, by people, by death. The most important thing is to look for happiness in yourself not in your stuff, for example don't look for happiness in your phone or from your friends or your boyfriend or girlfriend. Look for happiness in yourself. You have to learn that yourself is the most important happiness. If you dont learn that, it can destroy the sight of ever seeing happiness. Needless to say, once you find this happiness, it makes you shine and look so beautiful. Why, because not only did some work go into it but you got over obstacles you got over heartbreak, life lessons, tragedy, and tears. Everyone hits a low point. In our society, people feel like they should work on herself and better thereself after they hit that low point and it doesn't have to be like that, but it is and that's life. We don't realize what we love until it's taken away. So you take these moments of happiness and cherish it. When someone feels that you are happy, they feel that energy in a sense where if they are down they feel that positive vibe and energy and without realizing it they become a little lighter. Idols. I and a lot of you look up to people because they are successful and are perceived as always happy, they found their happiness, no. Most idols are celebrities, maybe your mom , family member or friend. Mine are my teachers. Not every teacher is my idol but ones who share their track through life. They don't just tell me what they've been through, but I ask how they got to where they are and the stories are incredible honestly.did they find their happiness maybe, maybe not but they are living to teach from what they have learned and passing it down. They don't just teach you what you have to know but they toss a personal story, a personal experience. Living to share. seeing a teacher stand up and teach is intriguing to me. They are taking their passion in the subject and sharing it with you and giving you their knowledge, Development of life. Like how did we get here today, why are we reading this book yes it may be boring to you but some teachers wanna share this fiction so you can think. We as humans are unknowingly not opening our mind big enough therefore when it comes to that sadness that hits us, or when something we don't like approaches, we become lost and we don't know what to do. I believe that Everyone has a story. Everyone has a track a crazy one believe it or not. me for example, Happiness is interpreted as the light at the end of the tunnel. And going through middle school and half way through highschool I never thought I would find happiness or even a moment of it. But i'm learning, to open up my mind and experience and learn. I believe everything happens for a reason. Lessons through life. Some don't grow up fortunate and I grew up with divorced parents, an abusive step mom and an alcoholic mother. Taking the hand i was dealt, I was so persistent to find that light. When it comes to happiness you have to really want it. I don't see happiness just as a feeling of pleasure. I see it as a series of an emotions that leads to something bigger and greater and the highest point you can be in life. As a kid I wondered why my dad wasn't coming home anymore. Or why that energy in the house wasn't right. Why I wasn't happy. Whenever something sad or negative happens in your life. You feel automatically regret and as humans we feel that sorrow like you are apart of it but you aren't. We get upset so quickly and adapt to being upset for a long period of time. that's my point that pain and sadness comes so easily and so free. I say whenever something good happens and affects you in a positive way take it and cherish it. Never miss an opportunity to have a moment of happiness because happiness is so rare right now. Always look in the long run. I'm not sure why we were put on this earth, to go through a series of little lessons and tests then die. Or to explore the endless earth and learn. Whether or not, Never just exist. Live. Take advantage of every moment. Go through life with no regrets but with lessons. One of the major lessons I learned is that We have control over experiences and it's up to us to make that experience a positive one or negative. No matter how hard you try. At one point, I thought happiness was a person, and I depended on all my moments on them and nothing else. When it got taken away, when that person left I didn't understand it. All of us are gonna find that happiness. And you might have to go through hell to get there but you'll make it and once you see that light get there. And give yourself credit and say you made it. You’re okay. You are awesome. Live and shine that light for others struggling to find it.

[codedredalert]

hi! im a huge fan of your long haul fic and i remember you saying you had a few deleted scenes you could post if asked? Could you? Your writing is my favourite! lots of love

awww thanks anon

oh and its ambiguously 1859 fanservicey ish hahahha.imo dealing with a drunk person is very not sexy but i know the shipper mindset HAHAHAAH 

its about 3k words long so pls click the readmore to get all of it! if its less than 3k and you dont see the readmore you might need to view the post on my blog

===/\===

“Goodevening Gale!”

FUCK gokudera shot out of his chair SCRAMBLEAGAIN Hibari’s going to kill him

Hibari looks up from the floor and dragshimself two steps to the sofa and stretches out there.

Well, looks like gokudera’s just given him afree pass to the sofa then. Shit next thing you know gokudera’ll be sleeping inthe bathtub.

“Hello!” she says and she breezes in as soonas gokudera opened the door.

“Hi Ma’am, Angel, uh, Kaoru’s sleeping.”

“Oh whoops, sorry,” she said, and she creptover to check. “Wow, he looks super young like this!”

Was hibari actually sleeping haha no waydumb question.

“Hey Gale hon, what’s this?” thelandlord asked, picking up the photo of the Costeggiarefamily member bastard son they’d been having trouble looking for since thebombing

Dropped on the floor, the picture ofDario/duilio which hibari kept in his pocket.

Shit shit shit, cover story quick.

“Well, right now we’re looking for thatguy. Hoping to interview him. You know him from somewhere?“ 

“Oh yeah, hon. He’s a regular at mywork for two months now, sometimes comes on too strong to the staff or othercustomers, but he spends big, so,” she shrugged. “What can Ido?”

The door opened and Hibari dropped his keyson the table before turning to lock the door. “Kaoru,” Gokuderacalled. The dark haired man looked up from where he was taking off his outdoorshoes.

Hibari opened an eye. When it was convenientfor him huh, bastard.

“Where,” he asked, sitting up.

“good morning Kaoru,” she says. He eyes herfunny, then dips his head.

“Angel found our mark,” headded in Japanese.

“Who?” Hibari asked. Gokuderawaved the photo of the Costeggiare familymember. “Not that,” Hibari said. Gokudera rolled his eyes. Why was heunsurprised by Hibari not bothering to remember who Angel was when she’d beenwaltzing in and out ever since they started the mission? “Thelandlady.”

“I see,” Hibari answered,setting the shopping on the kitchen counter and walking over to the table. Hemet the landlady’s eyes.

“Boungiourno,”he greeted stiffly before turning back to Gokudera. “Where.” Herepeated.

“He is a regular at herworkplace,” Gokudera said, passing Hibari the photo.

“you can speak Italian just fine why don’tyou ask her”

“people say a lot when they think you don’tunderstand them,” hibari answered irritably. “Where.”

“Say Angel, you never said exactly where youwork.”

“Well, it’s not an uppity sort of place.” She bites her painted lip. “aw hell with it.It’s a dance place. We have girls dance on tabletops if you know what I mean.”

“ah,” gokudera says. “should be fun. For meat least.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” thelandlady said, pointing at Hibari. “That guy in the photo? He’s a regularof one of our girls, and she looks a lot like you. You know, exotic, pale, darkhair, dark eyes,” she added helpfully. Hibari looked at Gokudera.

“You should really stop pretendingthat you don’t understand Italian,” there’s no way im actually goingto translate for you, Gokudera said dryly. Hibari smirked.

“If that’s true, then I’ll bite him todeath,” Hibari said, eyes sparking with anticipation, completely ignoringGokudera’s input. It looked like his weeks of boredom were over, and he didn’teven have to resort to visiting the Chiavarone house.

“If it helps, he stops by to watch Kikievery Friday night– Kiki’s that dancer Kaoru-san looks like– and he alwayssits in booth twelve. She comes on at eight, so if you boys get there a bitearlier, you could get yourselves a seat nearby.”

Hibari stands gracefully, one fluid motionand is already walking to the kitchen.

“Ask the landlord if he wantstea.” He says, businesslike.

“That’s nice of you,” gokudera says,trying and failing to keep his incredulous tone out of his voice.

"If you don’t tip informants, you won’thave informants.” Hibari said, and he put the kettle on.

Gokudera sighed. Of course Hibari would beso mercenary. "He wants to know if you would like tea.“ He tellsAngel and he laughs

"Oh, so all I had to do to getKaoru-san to open up was to invite him to the club? "Sure, I’d lovetea.”“ she laughed. And gokudera winced laughed along. A club is thelast place hibari would want to be. He is crossing his fingers that that nightwont be a disaster.

"And I think I’ll need another coffee,I need to run more background.” Gokudera calls to him

“Milk?”

Wow that’s amazing.

“No thanks, it’s two already.”

“Oh, and no offense if you alreadyknow this, but just tell Kaoru-san, because he doesn’t look like he’s ever beento a club in his life. STRIP CLUB ETTIQUETTE

Alright boys, now the real reason I’m here,

Right, gokudera pulls her money from hiswallet, exact amount, and she drinks her tea. Hibari doesn’t even comment onthe lipstick stain.

Well, see you boys [tonight] then! She saysand leaves. Clack clack lack of her boots on the way to the lift. Gokudera andhibari and chiavarone are the only weirdos who take the stairs.

Gokudera drinks his coffee and marvels athis luck.

Hibari washes the cups.

"Not bad, miser,” Hibari saidbefore he disappeared into the room, and the clack of plastic on wood meantthat he had gotten his laptop out.

Good morning Tenth. It’s a day of goddamnmiracles. –59

Heh. Good to hear, Gokudera-kun—27 

===/\===

The good streak of course couldn’t last.

“We need to come off as young, cockyfirst floor trash so he won’t take us too seriously, got it?”

“Yes,” Hibari said, and Gokuderacould hear the eye rolling in his voice. at least he was still replying? Butnow gokudera wasn’t sure if hibari would LISTEN and what’s the use of aconfirmation that might not actaly be what he means.

“I’m serious,” Gokudera said, using everyounce of self-control to not snap at him. “I want us to look so young that weget carded.”

There we go. Hibari’s stopped answering.

Gokudera wore an amalgamation of his clothesfrom his high school days and his current wardrobe. The button down was Galeand the three belts and the graphic tee were all teenage-Gokudera.

Hibari wore a full suit, crisp black overdeep purple and perfectly tailored. Gokudera was this close to introducing hisown face to the coffeetable.

“Are you really going to a club dressedlike that?” Gokudera asked incredulously. 

… Yes “This is how I normallydress,” Hibari answered, frowning. 

You know what kind of club this is?

… a looooong pause.

“Well, there’s your problem,”Gokudera said under his breath. “Why don’t you just break out your shinycredit cards and get yourself a clubbing outfit?”

Hibari observed him for a moment. “Idon’t want to,” he answered simply. 

Coffeetable was too far. Gokudera put hisdespairing head into his hand.

“Dammit, just change, I don’t want towalk into any club if you’re wearing that,” Gokudera sighed, running onehand through his hair. Hibari raised an eyebrow as if he truly believed that asuit was the perfect attire to go to a strip club in while undercover.

“Change to what.”

Oh dear lord all the talk about dressingHibari up was going to become a real thing. Maybe he could shoot himself andget this over with.

“Alright, I’ll see if I can work a miraclewith your closet,“ Gokudera sighed, walking over to the window side of theroom and opening the bedside drawer. A quick rummage proved that yes,everything was office shirts and black suit wear. So Hibari wearing the purpleshirt with the suit was his idea of interesting. Gokudera closed the drawer.

"Looks like you don’t have much ofchoice,” Gokudera said, looking over Hibari’s outfit once more.

Lose the jacket and tie,“ he directed,but Hibari’s eyes just narrowed in defiance.

"Work with me here, damn you,”Gokudera cursed, walking over to the other bedside drawer and pulling out a fewaccessories of his own. Looking at Hibari then at the items he’d laid out, hepicked a fang on a black leather strip and an accompanying leather wristband.

“This is stupid,” Hibari intoneddryly, unbuttoning his top button. His blazer and tie were draped over thechair, and his sleeves had been rolled up. Without the extra padding of hissuit, his slight build was obvious, barely changed from his middle school days.Still, with an aura that fierce, it was unlikely he’d have too much trouble.Besides, any story that involved Hibari getting picked on in a strip club wouldbound to be interesting to tell to the guys back in Japan. 

“One more button,” Gokudera toldhim, before turning to look for a suitable belt. “And wear those,” headded, waving absently at the pieces he laid out on the bed. “Andthis,” he added as he pulled out a belt. It had two teeth and metaleyelets in twos, with another strap hanging from it like half suspenders.

“That would be a liability,”Hibari critiqued as he fastened the wristband on his left wrist. 

“Just wear it and give the poor suckerswho try to make trouble with you a fighting chance,” Gokudera snickered,closing the drawer. Hibari scoffed quietly as he removed the belt he wascurrently wearing.

“A straightjacket would be moreappropriate,” Hibari said, threading Gokudera’s belt around his waist andcomfortably cinching it at the innermost set of eyelets. 

“Nice to know that the cloud guardianof Vongola is a humble man,” Gokudera remarked cynically.

Hibari bowed his head in humourous? Assent.

If you wear your boots we’re good to go. No,wait there a second.“ Gokudera stepped into the bathroom to grab some hairwax. He passed it to Hibari, who looked at it then gave Gokudera a deadpan lookas if to ask ‘and what do you expect me to do with this?’

"Style your hair a bit,” Gokuderatold him. At Hibari’s blank look, Gokudera decided that it wasn’t any goodexplaining. He grabbed the bottle and opened it, scooping out just a littlewith his fingers. “Now stay still and for the love of God, don’t goberserk on me, alright?”

Hibari flinched and glared as Gokudera’shands came up to his head, but otherwise took the fussing well.

Kind of punk looking. But hey, punk’s notdead right. Yeah.

“Hah, not bad,” Gokuderacongratulated himself. 

“Disgusting,” Hibari commented, ashe touched his hair lightly, the slightly sticky texture of the waxbrushing off on his fingers.

“boots. Boots, lets go.”

Angel worked in walking distance in the notso nice part of town. Hibari was more acquainted with the place than Gokuderaexpected. Two turns later and he slowed.

“C’mon it’s almost time.”

“What is this place?” Hibariasked, stopping in his tracks. From the neon lit street, booming music and theunmistakable noise of throngs of people emerged. Gokudera sighed, and turned.

“That’s Angel’s bar.” When Hibarimade no sign of recognition, Gokudera elaborated. “The landlord’sworkplace.”

“There’s a crowd,” Hibari stated,refusing to carry on walking. 

“Yes, it’s a Friday night, but this isalso work, so let’s go.”

“If I go anywhere near that place, it’sto bite everyone there to death,” Hibari said, mouth curling into a silentsnarl. 

“Well, suck it up. This is work.”

Hibari walked at a steady pace, cut throughthe crowd and Gokudera had to follow.

Second floor less so. They didn’t actuallyget carded. Gokudera was much disappoint.

Murderous aura and the nearest patronslooked nervous.

“Just be glad we’re in a booth.”

Kiki wasn’t on yet, but Bambi was. Or atleast that’s what she said her name was. Bambi was a sultry brunette withshoulder length hair and hazel eyes. Gold glitter painted stripes and spotsdown her back, arms and legs, highlighting the tan skin. 

“You just missed me, handsome,” she says toyou. you smile and wave.

“Next time then,” you say casually. You areso not good with women especially when they don’t have all their clothes on.You blame your sister.

“Hey, we booked this booth,” someone saysbehind you.

“Oh?” Hibari says and he’s spoiling for afight so hard that you level a warning glance at him instead of turning to seewho it was.

“Let the boys stay,” an amusedvoice. 

Goddamn, Dario himself. He looked IDK HOWDOES HE LOOK WHO ARE HIS GOONIES

Hibari’s grin was wicked.

“I’m Darren,” he lies smoothly. MIGHT WANTTO CHANGE HIS ALIAS.

“Kaoru,” Hibari said. 

“Is that your real name?”

Hibari gave the man a look. Whut you smokingbruh

He laughed. “Could I buy you adrink?”

“No need, I have a tab open.”

“I insist.”

“Then, if you must.”

Kiki was a petite woman, with raven hairspilling freely over her shoulders down to her waist. She didn’t look anything like Hibari, she was justAsian.

If this guy had yellow fever you were goingto laugh your ass off.

===/\===

(missing scene)

“Don’t touch me.”“What’s wrong with you?”“It was crowded. And noisy. There was something in my cranberry juice.That man kept talking to me and I couldn’t kill anyone. I hate that place. Youcan go alone next time, pervert.”

“He’s a pervert. You’re a pervert too.” Hibari’s eyes narrowed.“I should bite you to death.”“Yeah, yeah, tomorrow alright? Just try to stay conscious until we reachthe house." "Wait,” Hibari said, suddenly throwing his weight back.“What?” Gokudera asked tiredly. “Outside clothes, don’t touch the bed, herbivore,” Hibari mumbled disjointedly. “Nice to know you follow your own rules,” Gokudera sighed, pullingdown the bedcovers and dumping Hibari on the bed. “I said not to touch the bed,” Hibari protested, sitting up. Gokuderagave him a light shove and collapsed on the bed himself.“Shut up and go to sleep,” Gokudera said, words muffled by thesheets. He couldn’t even be bothered to get his pillow from the couch outside.He fully expected some sort of retort or a threat from Hibari, but none came,testament to how far gone the other man was. Yawning, Gokudera decided hazilythat he would take whatever nonsense he’d get for ‘crowding’ the bed and justwent to sleep where he was.

===/\===

Gokudera woke like a man struggling not todrown in molasses, slowly, with a lot of effort and a little pain. He hadn’tdrawn the curtains the night before and he was in a strange place betweenfeeling ‘rested’ and ‘like crap’. He’d slept on his front last night and therewas a kink in his neck as due punishment. Of course, there was also the matterof him smelling like sweat, cheap perfume, alcohol and cigarette smoke. It wasamazing that Hibari hadn’t just thrown him out the window for daring to so muchas touch the bed in this state.

Gokudera turned to his side to stretch andfroze. Hibari hadn’t rudely kicked him out of bed, not from some sense ofgratitude for Gokudera hauling him back from the club, but because he hadn’t woken up yet. Gokudera gaped atthe thought, but before his eyes was the undeniable.

Hibari was curled up on his side, back tothe light, and face shielded by the crook of his elbow. Gokudera felt a grinbreak through his usual morning grogginess. The sight was almost endearing,except this was Hibari, and the onlythings associated with Hibari and the word ‘endearing’ were either a highlyintelligent messenger bird that could be carrying a spy-cam that sealed yourdoom or a personalised box weapon that could decimate an army and reduce askyscraper to rubble within five minutes. Gokudera could almost see thehedgehog curled up in the exact same way as its owner in the empty space nearHibari’s stomach, and Hibird nestled between the man’s wrist and hair. Heresisted the urge to take a photo and send it to the Tenth and got up asquietly as possible. As much amusement as he got from seeing the violentmisanthrope sleeping all tucked into a ball, photographic evidence wasn’t worththe broken bones he knew he would get afterwards. Hibari appeared in the doorway of the bedroom, arms full of sheets. He took onelook at Gokudera and the landlord sitting at the kitchen counter, then steppedback into the room and shut the door.“Oh my, I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen him half dressed,”she commented. Then she gave Gokudera a knowing smile. “Changing thesheets are we? Good going." "Ah, yeah,” Gokudera tried to smile casually while mentally screamingno. She must have picked up on Gokudera’s uneasiness, because she patted hisarm reassuringly. “Be more confident, sweetie. You’re good looking, smart and you have awonderful disposition. You’re a right saint,” she smiled.“Besides,” she whispered. “I don’t think anyone but you has thepatience to deal with his temper.”Gokudera laughed. “You should see our boss,” he replied. Tsunacould smile genuinely all the time while talking Hibari down off a rampage andpersuading the man to do something other than stalk around Namimori or sit inhis house and drink tea. It never failed to amaze Gokudera each and every time.Heck, Tsuna even managed to get Hibari and Mukuro to go on a mission togetherwithout one of them coming back dead.

He placed the plate on top of the glass tofree one hand. “Hibari?” Gokudera asked, knocking on the door.“Go away.”“If you can’t drink, you shouldn’t,” Gokudera said matter-of-factly.He opened the door then took the plate back into his hand, pushing the dooropen the rest of the way with his foot. Hibari was sitting in the tub, water upto his chest and dark hair plastered to his skull. It vaguely reminded Gokuderaof bathing his cat.“Who said you could come in?” Hibari asked, not turning to faceGokudera. “If you’re too out of it to even lock the door, then I’d better come inbefore you drown or something,” Gokudera retorted. “Here.”“Don’t want it,” Hibari muttered without even looking at whatGokudera was holding. “It’s just toast, water and aspirin,” Gokudera said, starting to getannoyed. “How badly could I fuck up toast?" "I’m not going to eat in the bath,” Hibari said, leaning against theside of the wall and grimacing. “Leave it outside.”“Seriously, you alright?” Gokudera felt the need to ask again. “Must I bite you to death before you are convinced?” Hibari snipped. “Hah, you must be fine if you’re making threats. Don’t drown, bastard.”

[lifeofanemotionalbeing]

Tonight, my anxiety is rules my body. I haven't had more than one cup of coffee within the last 3 days. I went from drinking 2-3 cups of caffeine a day, to one, if any. My body is tired, my eyes are tired. But my mind and heart are awake. My heart is beating fast, and I can’t stop thinking. Reflecting. The weird thing is, though, sometimes I can’t even control what I’m thinking or why. I feel these feelings, and these moods. I sit and think really hard to describe or pin point what it is I’m feeling- what the feeling is, what may be the cause of it, what my subconscious may be trying to tell me that I may be suppressing through my day to day life. 

I have felt sad all day. But I’ve. been reflecting almost all night. I’ve come to the conclusion that the active theme in today’s mood is relationships. All of them, not just love or my relationship specifically. Relationships with people in my life that I’m closest to, or supposed to be closest to.

I am going through probably one of the toughest times in my life. I don't know where this has all come from, but I'm trying to figure that out too. I’m not a person who asks for help, and I'm not a person who deals with needing help very easily or lightly. I’m also not the type to lean on others, I'm the type to shut down completely like a machine when going through these times. And I’m trying very, very hard each day to not do that, or to not take steps that close me off. I’m trying to deal with this head on, and be more open to the people I hold the closest to me about it. It wouldn't be the first time that I have been told that my emotional issues often leave me looking cold, or like I don't care for others. when in reality, I am struggling so hard to get outside of my own head that it’s as if I'm consistently being eaten by my own thoughts. If how I feel could be depicted into a photo, it would probably be some cliche graffiti of a boy, holding his head in his hands, alone- with some type of squiggle lines and different circles above my head to represent the mess inside. 

I dont know much. One thing I have come to terms with is that this is, indeed, a breakthrough time for me. Me using the word breakthrough is me trying to turn my hardships and this emotional issue that I;m not dealing well with, and try to use it to become more aware of my emotions, more awake, more considerate, maybe even more compassionate? Have I spent too much time drinking my pains away or distracting myself that I’ve never faced my true self, or my emotions? Have I suppressed so many emotions in my life that they are finally pouring out now? What is causing this? what is causing me to feel this way? I feel like I am losing my mind. It is driving me crazy. I feel as if I’m searching. I’m searching for something, some sort of sign from the universe to just tell me I'm going to be okay. Or to just tell me that I know who I am. Because lately, I don't even know that. 

One thing I have come to terms with is that this is, indeed, a very rough time for me. As much as I push people away from me, deep down- all I really want is to feel loved, and supported through my flaws. These flaws. Because lately, I had been feeling batshit crazy, out of my mind, and completely unlovable. And you know what? The people around me help make me feel that way. Or is that all in my head too? All I know is that I am constantly walking around with this feeling that the people who are closest to me and everyone I care about is just frustrated with me. I feel unloveable, and completely misunderstood. Especially in a time where I need support, but wouldn't ever dare ask for it. 

There are three main goals that Ive been trying to accomplish this year, and I plan on sticking to: To be more considerate of people’s feelings, to try not to wallow in my depression, and to express more.

I found my mind racing back to the past a lot today. Glimpses of the person I used to be. Little flashes of scenes from my past, people from my past. These scenes, or flashes, I usually see a young me, smiling, knowing who I was. Ive been thinking back to a lot of traumatic things that have happened in my life, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of changes, a lot of pain. Then, I started to analyze my past relationships. 

For most of my young life, I have always put others above myself. I was always doing everything for people, who did nothing for me. I’d buy everyone hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas gifts to get nothing in return, I’d always pay for things and never get reciprocated, I’ve always done what everyone else wanted- in both friendships and relationships.

It’s kind of funny when you look back on something from your past that seemed so insignificant at the time, and now you realize it was one of the most pivotal moments. Today, I did a lot of reflecting on relationships. Past friendships, and probably my most serious relationship. Something that has always fascinated me, yet depressed me at the same time, was watching relationships fall apart. Friendships- you stop hitting each other up, stop confiding in each other, only using each other for when you need something, slowly drifting. Relationships- the subtle fighting, the jealously, the sleeping in other rooms, the communication dying. 

Although very insignificant now, I found myself thinking back to my most serious relationship. I had watched us, fall apart, and I was too young to see it happening before my eyes. I think back to the Lisa that I was then. I remember that person very well. I had such hope in my eyes. Such passion for things. You couldn't stop me. I was always hopeful, always silly. What happened?Could it be that I did grow up? does that person not exist anymore because of life and struggles? I think back to the look in her eyes, when she would look at me like the most annoying person in the world. That look is probably one of the only things I remember. I get that same look, very often, right now. What is it about me that is so intolerably annoying? AM I really that hard to love? I remember a scene in my life very significantly. I was sitting on my college dorm room bed, talking to the person I would soon be on and off with for the next 4 years, about the ending of my relationship. I cried, for hours, about how unlovable I felt. I remember, very distinctly, saying the sentence “she made me feel like I was unlovable. Like no one would ever love me the way she did. That no one would want to”. Could these be issues I’ve been suppressing? Could my years of dating around, and not taking anything seriously have suppressed that feeling and those issues for me? At one point, in 2013, I remember having a conversation with my best friend. This resonated with me heavily, and still does. She had told me that I wasn't meant for relationships. Or that I’m just not capable of it. At the time, I was dating around, I saw nothing wrong with that statement. Until I met a wonderful girl, who in a way, changed my world. She has made me want to burn my past in flames and prove everyone wrong. 

Do I know that I’m living my karma with my current situation? Absolutely. It’s kind of funny, when you change your mindset on things and views on certain things, but surround yourself with people you’ve known for so long that they just throw those flaws of yours in your face? When I had found out the woman I'm in love with was seeing someone else that day, I lost my mind. I showed up at my friends house, with her whole family home- a family that has known me for years and has seen me at my complete worse through many, many things. As I sit there, chugging a bottle of wine, my friends mom looks at me and says “you’ll bounce back Lisa, you always do” “do you really love her” “why do you want to make this work so bad” “it’s not worth it”. And all I can do is blubber back “I love her, I don't want anyone else. Ive never wanted to make something work so bad in my life” “this isn't like the past relationships”. As someone else looks at me, saying those things, professing my love and desire to fix my relationship and says- “I hate to say it Lisa, but this is your karma for what happened with Nikki. The one person you actually want to be with, doesn’t want to be with you”. And I knew she was right. 

Do you ever lay awake at night, insecure about something and can almost hear it taunting you in your head? I cant even count how many times I've heard “you're not meant for relationships” In my head. Fighting my past, and choosing my future, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do - mentally. In every tv show or movie, there is always that one fucked up person. That one fuck up of a friend, of a family member. who is always trying to do better. But continuously falls into holes of their past because they lack support, or their demons are just so loud that in some sick, twisted way, they revert instead of move forward? Have you ever just wanted to fight who you used to be so hard, but just hate yourself so much that you say whats the point of even trying? I have been getting eaten alive by my guilt, my insecurities, and the pain I have carried around for so long from hurting other people and the messes I've created. And then I hear “this is your karma” and I flash back to the only thing I can compare this to. 

Gaps are hard to close once they've been wedged open. Thats usually how it works. I’ve been in many relationships, have dated many people, have talked to many insignificant people. But the second most significant relationship I’ve had in my life, started with a gap. A change. And when that time comes, you choose to let it go or hold on tighter. Last night I was watching a show. There was a gap starting in a relationship between these two women. One was going through a really tough time (losing their job, emotional issues, etc) and the communication was cut due to depression. The other person, wanted to break up with her. Because there was a gap starting. There were other women, other opportunities. Easier, more exciting. At first, she was going to end things. But then, she looked at her girlfriend and said, “In a world of instant gratification, we always leave when things don't work or things get hard. We always want whats instant, whats easy. It'd be easy to leave and start something fresh with someone else. Yeah, the girl at the park today and I hit it off, but I felt something weird when she went to kiss me. She wasn't you. I cant do that, because I love you. And I’m not ready to let you go just yet”. They proceeded to talk about how they have nothing in common, different values. The scene ended with them laughing at something stupid together, and just laying laughing. Talking about nothing, then turned into making love. And sometimes, those moments are what bring you closer to someone, not what you have in common. When you realize how much you throughly enjoy each other’s company. people fall in and out of love countless times. 

I forgot where I was going with this love tangent. I just, am really getting my ass handed to me lately. The only woman I've ever wanted to be in a committed relationship with desperately, doesn't want me and looks at me like i’m the biggest nuisance on the planet. I am my biggest critic. I am just so emotional, and I'm trying very hard to get to the route of these emotions so I can hopefully better understand what is causing these mood swings or moods in general. I’m hoping that with doing that, and being more in tune, that I will also be more in tune with others and stop feeling like such a disappointment.In my mind, to me, this is very traumatic. Knowing that I may have some type of emotional issue is traumatic for me. Some days, its hard for me to even speak or make sense out of a sentence because of all thats going on in my head. Some days, I feel so fragile that you could knock me down with a simple “hey hows your day”. Some days I cant even look in a mirror without crying. Some days I just cant even get out of bed, while others I cant sleep at all. Its just very hard to go through these things when you feel like a bother, a disappointment, and a failure to those closest to you. 

In the end, all you need is yourself. Only you can pull yourself out of this. I just hope that I can continue to dig deeper and find some causes of these feelings.