#a mindset that says 'you dont really believe the things you say because you havent self harmed or attempted suicide in protest'

[thirdmagic]

not to be mean but i'm starting to think christianity on the whole is just a death cult

[pommunist]

thank you for allowing people to vent their frustrations or discuss whats been happening in your inbox, a lot of qsmpblr from what ive seen wants to ignore anything besides brightest side outlooks and they shove everything else down by labelling things like the spreading of the latest updates as "doomposting".

i personally havent seen any actual doomposting (expecting the worst possible scenario, ex. "the server is over and will never come back") from anywhere besides a small handful of people who hate quackity on twitter, the closest i can find here is sentiments like "yeah i dont know if ill be back to actively watching every day even if everything is fixed" or "im so disillusioned at this point that im not coming back until we get concrete proof things are better" where its people personally deciding to (often temporarily) leave the fandom, not any actual doomposting or discouraging anyone to still follow the server because "theres no chance anything will ever be fixed".

so yeah, thank you for allowing stuff besides the most positive of takes in your askbox <3 im too scared to post stuff on my own because of the toxicly positive mindset on qsmpblr, so being able to vent my frustrations in your askbox really helps!

Tbh I don’t blame people who are complaining about what they see as « doomposting ». When you love something you don’t want to wake up every morning learning about another set of bad news on it, instead you want to believe that everything will be fixed and that you will soon be able to enjoy it like you used to.

However the situation IS bad. People are talking about negative things because they ARE happening. And it isn’t just some random drama like this is a situation that affected negatively on people, could even be considered breaching some laws and, also, be the end of the project. I don’t like saying that, obviously, but it’s the truth.

Saying it’s joever already won’t do any good but so will blindly hoping that things will be better. Tbh I’m happy that I haven’t seen much of both of these takes except from the extreme sides of the fandom (out of all the anons I got since it started very few were extremely negative, no hate to them btw feel free to vent in my askbox i just chose not to post them).

People can stop watching qsmp altogether, or just keeping to their fav ccs streams, some can chose to keep watching like they did before for X reasons, others are straight up leaving the fandom, it’s all fine, we just need to understand everyone’s perspective without jumping to judgement.

Side note : One thing I won’t tolerate here is hate on the admins who spoke up though (this + the usual assholery aka random hating, bigotry etc)

Personally I haven’t watched a qsmp stream since the situation was exposed but thats just because I don’t want to support the project rn and can’t enjoy the content knowing what we now know. That’s just me though !

Anyway rant over kkkk thanks for the nice ask anon ! Weirdly I think keeping track of the situation and answering so many people who had questions/wanted to air out their thoughts is what helped me not dwell on my own sadness regarding what’s happening ahah

[inismor]

also just caught up on the latest dunmeshi episodes today and im so happy to see more of kabru that guy is So Intriguing to me. keep in mind that i havent read the manga so i dont really know what his whole deal is yet but i Need to dissect him like a lab specimen under a microscope. which seems to be a very kabruesque thing to say in the first place. his impulse to Figure People Out is SO understandable to me literally girl same i dont think ive ever had a conversation without doing that in the background at all times. except that i really dislike when thats shown as proof that a connection isnt genuine? in kabrus case it *seems* to be portrayed as if him analyzing others puts him at a distance from them. reading between the lines like that is a lot like stepping outside of a game to watch it from a meta perspective and therefore close to looking at others as being "below" you, which is again really easy to push into cynicism territory but at the same time it just depends on how you frame it methinks. what is 'playing a persona' and 'calculating' to one can be 'curious' and 'observant' to another & it matters a LOT how the character themself sees it because it's up to them whether they make it genuine or machiavellian, without the action itself actually changing on the outside. this is Not a dunk on how kabru is written ofc just my thoughts about how acting friendly n laid back to get to see more of a person in an interaction can be both seen as manipulative OR considerate of their comfort in a conversation while still getting to know them. i think the line lies in the degree of how willing to sympathize the one doing the Figuring Out is. as in you probably wouldnt want to talk to someone knowing that theyre only doing it to pick your brain apart while staying completely emotionally uninvolved/judging you but if they simply were very dedicated to understanding you because they want to get to know you better it's SIGNIFICANTLY less creepy. then theres still the issue of distance and control because in both these cases the analyzing one puts themselves in a much less vulnerable position, but while maybe not The Healthiest Mindset for the person doing it i still believe it can make for a perfectly functional positive dynamic. from what ive seen so far kabru is fluid at reading between the lines, level-headed and generally friendly & open, but it's the kind of openness that puts you in control of an interaction just enough to avoid situations where you might become vulnerable, which goes very well with the level-headed thing. still im too early into the series to tell whether that's an actual thing or just my projections so take that as a bunch of my loose notes abt being a well adjusted human person that ive decided to share just for fun👍

[kings-highway]

I read Time Enough yesterday from start to finish (yes I had other things to do, no that did not stop me) and I am still thinking about it. I left a little comment but I wanted to say more. (Sorry if this is a bit incomprehensible, I'm Very tired)

Your angst is always written in such an immersive and impressive way, but this story in particular hit so strongly. I thought it was so well done. Everything Daichi did and felt was so believable. And the feelings of having to move through a life like that was absolutely heart breaking. The relationships were so believable and idk how to phrase it other than genuine? Realistic?

It was just such an intense and beautiful piece, and Daichi's journey/cycle of monotony to acting out to trying to find stability again was so well done and so relatable. I was right along with him at one point like "obviously he has to learn a lesson here, but come on he did! He's trying to live life more!" Only to realize at the end that he still really wasn't, not really, not in the way that really allowed him to appreciate it. It wasn't that he needed to appreciate life by acting more or less predictable, it's that he needed to learn to appreciate life by appreciating his own, by learning to take care of himself, by asking for help and letting others take care of him. I've read several of your stories now where this is a major theme for him and I was STILL too immersed in his mindset to see it right away! That's very good writing imo <3

If you want to answer (ik some people don't like explaining story choices and that's fine too! I have my theories) what moment in that last day was it that broke the loop? Or was there no one moment, but just the process of the day itself and those leading up to it that did it?

First, thank you so much for leaving such a lovely and sincere ask in my inbox. You've got my giggling and kicking my feet like a child on christmas. It means so much that someone like you is reading and appreciating my work 🤍🤍

Second, I dont mind answering at all! I know a few others had speculated regarding the circumstances of the time loop so I can definitely share my decision making process

[Spoilers for literally nearly every chapter of Time Enough below, if you havent read it yet.]

And the answer is... Nothing.

Though that doesnt mean it wasnt intentional on my part, that nothingness means something to me.

The logic of the time loop is simply "sometimes time gets stuck in a loop, and unfortunately this time Daichi is aware of it." There is no real reason why it breaks on that specific day that it does, it could have just as easily broken the day before or the day after or in twelve years.

While I played around with the idea of Daichi having to "break" it in some way, there was no version of that that didnt position someone in his life as more important than another, or incite further questions about the universe. (although it does make me giggle imagining if the second half took a sharp left turn into Daichi and Oikawa hunting and fighting aliens.)

You could read this story as a metaphor for depression or burnout, optionally.

The truth is, every choice Daichi made always mattered. Each day did not come with definitive evidence that it would loop again into the next, it just coincidentally did for approximately two years. As suddenly and jarringly as it breaks in the 11th chapter, that could have been any chapter. Thats why so many end with the 00:00 moment, because it wasn't a given and it was important to mention. What would have happened if it had broken after he's slept with and romanced Oikawa? [Would he have pursued this new connection? left it as a one night stand? how would his life have moved forward after that kind of insane connection as Oikawa would believe he had his time loop experience?] What would have happened if it had broken after Tendou had been hit by the truck? [Tendou would be dead - what will he tell anyone?] What if it had broken after punching Iwaizumi? While he's standing, frostbitten in Iceland? After any random day he thought didnt matter? After he kills himself?

Daichi was never any more safe from his consequences in the loop as he was in linear time, he just got lucky.

And thats the point. How many times have you [the reader] skipped a class because its "boring and repetive?" phone in an essay because its "just" 10%? declined to hang out with a friend you havent seen in a while because "eh, maybe next weekend."

Choices always matter. Even if you think you have calculated the worst possible end, every single day has the ability to dramatically shift the direction of your life if you use it right. There is no such thing as a day that doesnt matter.

As a metaphor for depression and burnout, you're absolutely right. Daichi's loop is broken the moment he tells Suga that he'll let him take care of him. The moment he admits there's a problem and makes a promise he intends to keep. The act of loving and being loved in return is scary and difficult but sometimes it is the only way to succeed. [Its important here to mention that this is not romantic love I refer to.] And that means trying. Agreeing to do something you think is pointless [Daichi doesnt believe a psychiatrist can help; its a time loop] but he trusts Suga anyway and agrees sincerely.

As a story, it was nothing anyone did.

Daichi just got lucky that when the loop broke he was safe and surrounded by people who would care for him.

Free will and individual agency are massive themes in my stories and perhaps thats just a product of my own current age and experience. I think in a lot of ways I havent quite gotten the hang of it myself even if I understand it in my mind. Understanding it intuitively is a lot harder.

But it gets a little bit easier for me when I can write it out and share it with people like you who care as much for these characters and stories and appreciate them in the same way.

Thank you so much for asking <3 Inbox is always open and yall can message me any time if you wanna chat about anything to just scream. [The chickens in my brain will do their best to scream back.]

[kusundei]

jesus CHRIST im doomed. frustrated because nobody is talking to me? jonathan asked me one question ab it and i was like oh my god maybe there is hope but nooooo. no nothing. god forbid i was honest and i pleaded with you but you just ignoreddd mee. it would be so nice if you could just be . normal? and talk to me? if youre so upset then verbalize it like you do normally. youre dragging it on for no reason and just being evil and immature about it like youre my mom???? why r you choosing now to be silent??? because i told you the truth and thats not what you wanted to hear? because you felt like i was ridiculing you when i wasnt? if you could just listen and believe me and trust me sometimes there would be no issue at all. i wouldnt have to lie or anything we could literally be fine

im just. frustrated again. because even if today doesnt work out how long r you going to keep this up for??? id rather you pester me with questions and lash me than do THIS. its just so so so frustrating. you truly r everything i do not want to be if anything you and jd r soooo similar and maybe thats why i could put up w it for so long??? icjust keep going back and forth. iiii have no motivation i don’t want to do anything i want to rot away. whyyy is this so hard??? why cant you talk to me?????? was it truly that big of an issue??? i told you the truth. i wasnt making fun of you i DO think about you and your feelings iiiii swear to god i do. you say all the time i dont ever think about you but ive always tried??? maybe i am selfish and i dont exactly put you first in most situations and thats horrible on me its just. so. upsetting. i hate hate hate the mindset of being like “ohhh you did this to me so i’ll do it back” because god thats so??? immature??? maybe im being evil because im not truly taking into consideration how you’d feel its just ohhh my god. oh my fucking god?? im sorry iiii cant you r so. frustrating??? and god i fucking hate hate HATE. your voice. your voice drives me insane i dont understand how you cant just talk to people like a normal person? why is it so hard for you to consider that other people have feelings and opinions and not everything is a jab at you or is just about you in general??? i feel so evil being so upset its just oh my fucking. god. your voice is grating. i literally asked yoy i said “dont yell at me just listen to me” and yoy know what you did??? you still yelled at me??? said “how am i expected to not yell at you when you do this” like what the fuck???? thats the point but you dojt have to yell all the time? youre so angry every single fucking day and i am just asking you for one moment . where you can be reasonable and just LISTEN. i know you get upset easily and yoyre so infuriated by me but cant you just? give me one thing? listen to me for once without verbalizing how upset you are like??? anger management maybe??? i cant ever get a sentence out because you refute it without listening completely to what im saying. yoy jump to conclusions and you lash me and you dont ever BELIEVE ME. i dont lie typically theres always a reason if ive fucking lied and despite that i dont even lie to you normally??? i havent lied??? youve been like this since i was a kid you have never trusted me at all and iiiiidontgetit???????

im just. runninf around in circles at this point i am just. frustrated again. jist talk to me. literally. im being open i know yoyre not talking to me because youre thinking about it and youre being immature and BECAUSE OF THAT you r finding your own conclusions without hearing the entire thing. its so fucking frustrating i wish i could just GET TO YOU. its like im talking to a brick wall there truly is just a barrier between the two of us and i try over and over i DO i have tried to repair it over and over again but nooo? i dont think thats ever going to happen because youre never really gonna get over yourself?? am i selfish or am i deemed selfish because you have to think about other people instead of yourself for pnce??? you complain time and time again i only think for myself but i dont even? ask you for things? ive ALWAYS put other people before me iii dont care. at least in my head i see it that way and other people agree i suppose its just you. you see me completely differently and i dont know how to take that because youre supposed to know me well but cleaaarly you dont know me at all???? at least i think so. its jjst ohh my fickign god im going to tear my hair out i cant win with you. im NEVER going to fucking win its actually horrible and sickening and you make me sick time and time and time again. nothing ever makes me as upset as you do. as AWFUL. as it sounds truly i think that if you werent around or if you were different iiii would be okay. id be so much better i wouldve been fine and happy and carefree like i am when you are gone. its just i get reminded of where i am actually and especially going home and its just. god. i hate school genuinely but its so much better than being home iii cant fucking stand it oh my god

im going. to kill myself. i am. losing my mind. im so frustrated im actually like raging or something how can you be so immature iiii dont get ittt??? but then again i go back and forth being like areee you selfish or is it rlly just me and im shifting the blame??? thats why i can never rlly vocalize my feelings because i always feel so bad when i do becasue i feel like im giving myself the benefit of the doubt and not considering pther people but id like to think thats just. me being considerate. god forbid i ever feel things im just. god. god god god. i caaant^_^ im sososo fucking upset again^_^ but i am kind i am fine its fine i dont caareee IDONT CARE. idont care i just feel bad because iiimm trulyy still hoping theres some. light there still. but realistically i dont think there is and iii dont wanna admit thay im just. losing it

just rotting in bed again today i guess iii. have no motivation i cant do anything and i hateee when people r upset at me regardless if im also upset at them its jist. fucking . i feel selfish but im also soso upset but im upset that im upset because i feel like youre selfish????? iiiii. dont fucking know im just. waiting. i am here. praying to god youll talk to me or soketjingim LOSING MY FUCKIGN MIND i jeed tocalm down. i will calm down and be okay^_^ i am fine its fine i love. my boyfriend. so much. i need to get out of here i feel like im suffocating or something

[old-stoneface]

holding myself back from criticizing another fuckin podcast . i just. i really take my mythology seriously. and i hate it when people write stories abt folklore and mythology etc and they act like everything is so weeeeird and straaaaange and like these characters from legend are real and Evil . and when people dont know basic shit. like in this podcast one character was like "i hope we see a selkie" and the other was like "how do you know what a selkie is?" ITS A SELKIE. ITS REALLY NOT AN UNKNOWN FOLKTALE. CMON GUYS. PLEASE TRY HARDER W YOUR WRITING. like it just sucks! it really sucks. people should be taking more scholarly interest in these topics, and i understand writing your own stories based on them, but youre making this all a lot more dressed up than it needs to be. the people who grew up learning traditional stories found in their corner of the world and believing in them over thousands of years are not lesser than us, they lead just as complex lives with the same complex emotions as we do now in the modern age, and acting like they were idiots is horrible. the same podcast im complaining abt w the selkie thing also had an interaction between two characters where one was like "wasnt that god evil? didnt people perform human sacrifices to them?" and the other replied "thats just what people did. the god wasnt necessarily evil. we shouldnt judge a god based on what people do in their name." okay. okay. there is a lot to unpack there (/neg), but what i want to point out is that this shows a fundamental misunderstanding of what a god is. a "god" is a reflection of humankind that was imagined to explain why life works a certain way. the storms are destroying the crops? must be that someone is angry with us! there must be a reason besides "the world is just like this", because that isnt fair! the world cannot just be cruel! there needs to be a reason. and thus, we have figures like thor and zeus born into existence. gods are reflections of people. they are morally gray or even absent from a moral code altogether, because they arent seen as human. humans need reasons that bad things happen. humans need comfort. they need someone to blame or thank. You Cannot Say That A God Is Not Responsible For Its Worshipers Because Gods Are Not Real. A God Is A Construct Of Human Belief. All That A God Is Is A Belief. they exist because we say so!!!!

as an aside, yes i do love stories abt mythology where gods are real and taken seriously. one of my favorite movies is the northman because it takes that belief and religion and practice completely seriously, and its incredible and fascinating and horrifying, as gods are supposed to be. i love that. i grew up reading percy jackson as an adolescent because it was kid friendly mythology, and i love mythology. i find it so interesting to put ourselves in the mindset of "what if it is real?" because thats a different sort of world that we can dream up. the silt verses, for fucks sake!!! one of my favorite podcasts! literally about "what if all gods were real"! runemarks by joanna harris!! go read it!!!! its my favorite adaption of norse myth!! i am not being a killjoy. i am just saying you need to Think about what youre writing before you write it. also i hate stories that blend mythology, assuming they can combine the myths of sirens with mermaids and erase historical folklore, saying that "all creatures exist alongside one another but theyre all so isolated they havent had any interesting interaction" its so stupid. most gods are the same gods and thru those repeated stories and ideas and concepts we can get a better idea of what was historically important to humankind. dont read american gods though...the ending sucks and is a total letdown....you wont enjoy it. but it does introduce some interesting topics of how belief travels across the world and births new religions. really cool. however i dont like that book so dont read it

[9tailshadowwolf]

Is my minecraft dog waiting for me right now amidst the circuitry and code that separates our worlds and if so is he chillin or tweakin

I have been trying to spend time with someone for 3 weeks and they keep blowing me off. Theyve apologized, in a good way, and promised to make it up to me. We had plans to hang out again today but they wouldnt answer their phone. I havent heard any word from them. What a strange frustration, resulting from feeling neglected by someone you love. “Neglect” is a harsh word. There should be a word for just “not quite suffering but undeniably feels bad”. You dont know who to direct this feeling towards. Is it their fault for ignoring you or your fault for expecting a difference in behavior? What do you do with this discomfort? Should you do somehing different? Should you say something? Say, “hey, i know youre trying but im not satisfied with this right now. You need to be doing better for me.” You could say that, and likely make a case for yourself. But i think that falls in line with expecting things to change. Youre just leaning further in that direction, doing more so that they change successfully. And if thats not enough, you should try even harder.

I have adopted the heroic mindset of there always being a solution, a way to win, a way to save everyone and a way to make everyone happy - so long as I try hard enough. You can always push past your limits and grow to become better than you were yesterday. Therefore theres no good excuse for failure. In fact, failure is a natural state. With every failure you can increase your chance of the next success. And if every failure is simply the delaying of a success, then failure doesnt really exist at all. Its just an absence of success, like how darkness is just an absence of light, or how working is just the absence of getting high (har har). Anyways, this line of thinking can be dangerous. You think youve logic’d a way out of feeling the repercussions of bad decisions. Youre a martyr who nobly (i cant believe thats how you spell nobly) sacrifices themself not for the goodness of others, but for the benefit of your future self. And then when you look back you realize youve just been making bad decisions and giving the wrong people the benefit of the doubt and giving the wrong people your patience for the sake of nothing this whole time. Why make the best of a bad situation when you could just try to be in a good situation? Of course, hindsight is 20/20.

Thing is, i have become so aware of this flaw that i am now wary of any time i AM patient with someone, out of fear of simply being a chump. I am both patient, and consciously aware of my patience. Am i a pushover? Is my patience a result of what i went through, and a sign that i would stick to anyone and wait forever just to see someone i like once because, after all, im a desperate chump? Or, is it the inverse, and my wariness of patience is a result of what i went through, and a sign that i am skeptical so as to not get hurt in the same way again? I dont know the answer, but the point of what im getting at is that i dont need to know why things are the way they are.

My friend could have an amazingly reasonable reason for being so flaky. BUT, they also could not have a good enough reason by my standards to justify this loneliness i feel as a result of their flakiness. But imagine a scenario where someone you love puts you in the background. Either you lash out and solidify this as a conflict. Or you give them patience - and if they truly love you - theyll come around and make it up to you, eventually making things right. If they dont make it up to you, you know its no longer worth laboring over. Essentially, if the proper response to this behavior of theirs comes down to either choosing patience or no patience, then i would personally just rather demonstrate patience.

Dont conflate patience with sitting there like a sad dog waiting for their human to get home from work so they can get fed. Both may look the same from the outside, and feel the same on the inside, but what differs is your intention. Your goal. Sitting like a sad dog is born from the desire for a specific outcome - the master coming home to reunite with you and give you all the love and affection you missed in their absence. Patience is born from no desire, other than to withstand an unknown period of discontent and to wait for changing circumstances in the inevitable future. It involves knowing exactly what youre waiting for. Not hoping for a desired outcome, nor not knowing what youre waiting for at all, or waiting for nothing in particular (i think that might just be laziness (or getting high after work (har har))). To be patient is to know what is to come, and wait until it does. So how can you choose to be patient if you cant predict the future? With all the volatility of the entropic nature of the universe, you can always count on one thing: that nothing lasts forever. Time flows on. Things change. So you become patient for that. For something to simply change, because it certainly will eventually.

If you dont wanna be patient you dont have to be. You can make a fuss and change things up at any time. Its worth doing that when youre dealing with people you dont give a fuck about. When an authority figure is giving you a hard time, when youre being mistreated, when you dont care how the person is affected, you just want a solution. Thing is, when youve become accustomed to the heroic mindset i talked about earlier, you get caught up in what you can do. What actions you can take. Any way to find a solution. You see how this lines up? I would never let myself sit in patience. I would do patient things unpatiently. Id wait for people, give second chances, forgive and forget, and not take it out on others. But it still made me upset, i just hid it. It made me upset because i would wait and hope for an outcome i wanted, instead of waiting for something based in actual reality. So, when youre dealing with someone you actually care about, you should just be patient and not try to solve the problem. You should wait until circumstances inevitably change and youre both in a different headspace. And then reapproach how you felt earlier. The solution can wait. When you and i and our hearts are precious cargo in the matter, be careful not to rock the boat. Make sure you both feel alright first, then you can both find a solution and know that it feels right.

Thats truly heroic. To take on loneliness and despair and frustration, and all the negativity you receive or give yourself, and instead of letting it control what you do, you do the right thing anyway. Not quite suffering in silence, because that isnt noble. But genuinely feeling satisfaction in knowing you have felt some very bad things and you came out the other end. Knowing that youve survived 100% of your bad days. And the fact that you can smile right now is proof that maybe if nothing lasts forever, that can include suffering as long as you accept that you can let it go. Youre allowed to let it go. Its cool. No one likes suffering.

Its insufferable (har har)

[brokenmachinemusings]

tw suicide talk i guess. rare moment where i actually talk about whats going on in my brain. nothing serious this is mostly kept as casual writing.

honestly the only reasons im even alive rn are 1. hoping for a liberation in this world & that everyone is free, wish to possibly live until then (and. hopefully helping w a small change in the world.) 2. mass of the fermenting dregs concert in march (the bigger reason i havent offed myself tbh) (i forgot about this and then got reminded of it and it was just around when i was contemplating how to die. then once i remembered im now in the mindset of I Must Get It Over With This Month At Least.)

erm. when i was younger i had the whole “i have to live until 18!!!!” shtick which was also part of why i didnt kill myself back then. i dont believe in that anymore especially because i am approaching 18 but. food for thought? i guess???? this is the type of joke i would crack and people just stare at me like they saw a ghost. maybe i am a ghost.

this topic is. Really casual to me (in the context of myself) and im not sure if its because. im mentally ill. im a system. simply that i hate this world and dont want to live in it. something else. all of the above. or whatever. eh

part of me wants to drop out already and just rot away but at the same time i know thats just a traumatized part☝️ i know what u are. he has been trying to sabotage us for years and hes actyally cool just that. persecutor shit can rly fuck with ur psyche. also gets us lagging behind on our schoolwork. sighs.

that said there has also been a lot of persecutors fronting lately. or persecutor-adjacent parts? not sure. whatever. not like it matters much. ill shut up now im just trying to digest my thoughts and emotions. been “numb-crying” recently which is a really weird thing to experience. (basically when u start crying because of emotions but its not proper crying more like something leaking out. like a faucet that is damaged. and u dont feel anything either. except the overwhelming vortex of ur mind. and a burning tear on ur face or two. maybe not even realizing ur crying until later on. which might just be emotional amnesia.) ya know

im also wondering if this is Too Much to share with the internet, or well Tumblr Dot Com but. i didnt share anything dangerous per se and nothing that triggers me so i should be fine🤔 just saying if someone responds to this with “kys” ill just laugh in your face and block you or something. lolza. ok bye 4 now

[identityarchitect]

which ones most embody each of the fears from the magnus archives

hmm im gonna just assign them fears under the cut cus i have a lot of ocs

solace group

a glimmer of seasalt - lonely. she's too far away from anyone to be on the main communication network, so fox has to forward any messages to her, and after communications broke down she was just alone.

three tears of a fox - corruption. this girl is Literally infested. she is Literally rotting. very corruptioncore

rising birds - mmmm very tentative hunt, maybe end. ive mentioned before that her whole thing is trying to figure out how to kill iterators so that she can protect people so. yeah

stormclouds overhead - eye? maybe? during his collapse he lost lots of memory so he's using. basically feral cats as librarians to rebuild his memory. thats decently eye

cold water rushing - stranger methinks but possibly spiral. its name is a pseudonym and it hides its face i couldnt make it more stranger w/o making it an actual clown

seven crowns of bone - buried. my guy literally got eaten by a sinkhole

chorus group

collector of caged kismet - vast! he's trying to get a slugcat to go down to the void sea and then come back up which like. can you even get more vast

bells of other ballads - very tentatively flesh. she's trying to train a slugcat to be an engineer to repair iterators, and iterators are biomechanical, so i guess flesh?

caught under null thorns - im gonna be real i have no idea what CUNT is like. no assignment because of lack of personality

forgoing all glory - honestly very difficult. extinction is the closest. FAG was built to be self repairing to a fault, and designed to be an everlasting monument to the ancients, so that he'd stick around Literally Forever. which is kinda vast now that i think about him but him and his mindset is closer to extinction/end/desolation

does your kin endure - uhhhh. im giving her an honorary potential dark/desolation alignment im gonna be honest i havent thought much about her either

to reinvent as new, not yours - flesh baby!! literally a trans surgery machine, flesh as hell

69 weed leaves - corruption? hes pretty much falling apart and theres plants and shit in his machinery which is pretty corruption

equinox group (+ winters group which are technically separate)

no peaceful ending - end. no question. she died, she came back wrong, oliver banks is high fiving her as we speak

fibres of silence - im honestly gonna say slaughter. silence is VERY mad for what winter did to peace. if not slaughter then lonely

hallows of fate, damned - uhhhhhh. buried? maybe? in the sense of more metaphorical pressure. fate has very bad imposter syndrome stemming from one Really bad fuckup that ended up harming a lot of his colony, so i guess i could see her being buried.

glowing wind between speckled trees - she's probably kind of like adelard dekker or mikaele salesa in that she interacts with the entities without being bound to any of them. my girl just cares about tea. if i really really had to, maybe eye

dappled light over decaying leaves - web or eye. i dont know how just yet but this girl knows things she is not supposed to

winters group

awakening winter - web. no doubt. this man manipulates other people to his own end so much. hes also got some desolation/hunt spice in there from all the killings and ruination

nebula of snow eternal - hmm. end? possibly desolation. he was winter's first victim, and he collapsed and was literally crushed by his can (similar to how peace was) so. yeah

cycles within cycles - end! this guy was a sliverist, meaning that he believed death was the means to ascension. trying to stop winter was a win-win scenario for him; either he stops winter, or winter kills him (thus ascending him). he gave no shits

revent chorus, the silence calls - slaughter slaughter slaughter slaughter my guy went mad and started killing for as of yet unknown reasons. slaughter as hell

[raincamp]

7 - 15 - 23

i've been obsessively thinking about how my therapist has referred me to an addiction specialist this week. it almost feels surreal, i'm not sure how else to explain it. maybe i'm just too dissociated from this shit, but this doesn't feel like my life. i'm living for somebody else.

i remember when my therapist first told me i was too far gone for her to be able to dig me out on her own. that session was so hard. i had spent the entire week prior drinking ungodly amounts and i went on a three day bender over the weekend.

but i still believed that i was ok, i was just doing it for fun, i had it under control, could stop whenever i wanted. i just didn't want to. it's so cliche, i know, but when you're in that mindset you can't convince yourself otherwise.

she read my DBT diary card (of which is a requirement of the model of therapy that i do, where i have to report things like SH and substance use, as well as rate my emotions for the day), and her immediate reaction was this cold, clinical, "looks like you've been drinking a lot more this week"

—even from the first thing she said in session i noticed the shift in energy. she is not a cold and clinical therapist. we spend sessions joking and bantering because humor is how i cope. but i kept trying to joke and she wasn't reciprocating, it was only met with comments like "it doesn't seem like you're acknowledging how much of an issue this is."—

i replied "are you surprised? ive been drinking everyday for a while now."

and she said "your tolerance has gone up immensely, it says here you were drinking a bottle a day over the weekend"

you can be aware of how much you're using, but it feels normal, you don't really process how much it is until somebody else says something about it.

she spent the session calling me out, while i spent the entire time countering her, it felt like i had to convince her what i was doing was okay and that it wasn't negatively affecting my life. i truly believed that i had control over it, i told her that— i could handle it, i could stop if i wanted, i just didn't want to, it wasn't as bad as it looks on paper. i could function.

"is a functioning alcoholic any better than one that can't function in day to day life?"

that was it— the moment she labelled me. it was like a stab to my chest. it felt like this burning flame under my ribcage that was stoked by every breath, i still remember it vividly. "are you calling me an alcoholic?" i said, ready to defend myself.

she shrugged, "well it seems like your drinking isnt helping you. its been over a month we've discussed this and you still havent been able to give me a concrete reason why it's a better course of action than abstaining. you dont seem to be committed to following through on your treatment."

i was still on the defensive, "its making me feel better" i said, and she, literally, got up from her chair, pulled out her notes, and said "do you want to debate with me? because i can assure you its not."

and she was right, her notes from before i started drinking looked wildly different to the notes from afterward. my own ratings of my emotions were consistenly higher across the board. its insane how much you can convince yourself that its not a problem even with concrete physical evidence that proves the opposite.

it hurt, honestly, there was no empathy behind her voice at all. i felt so much guilt, but i was being controlled by my addiction, i couldn't convince myself that doing treatment was better than my current choice of coping. i care about my therapist, we had such a strong therapeutic bond before this started, and it felt like she (projection, because it was actually me) was tearing a rift in it.

at the end of the session she tried to convince me to get rid of my stash, and i flat out refused, like i had every other session up till then. the refusal was met with a "it feels like you're being purposefully willful" and of course i had to reply that i wasn't (i was, and she laughed at me, for the first time that day before repeating herself more firmly).

then she said "if this continues i'm going to have to refer you out."

as someone with BPD, i left that session feeling utterly abandoned, emotionally and physically, and i was pissed. "how could she do this to me? she wont even try to understand. she wont listen, shes trying to take away the one thing that's making me happy."

from that moment on i split on her, she was my enemy snd i decided i was going to do everything in my power to make our sessions harder for her. i wanted proof that she cared enough to struggle through and stay despite that. i wasnt aware of this, of course, but as i found out later, she was. she was always a step ahead of me.

a couple weeks later, as a result of my splitting and subsequently missing a session, a misunderstanding that resulted in percieved abandonment, and a suicide threat over text (im borderline bro its just part of the deal) i was hospitalized.

now that ive had time to process all of this, weeks later, i know why she was being cold to me. she was trying not to validate my self destruction. if she had given me any empathy or compassion, it would have encouraged me to continue what i was doing. i mean who doesn't want attention from their therapist?

something she told me when we had a conversation about this session, "it was really hard for me to keep those boundaries and continue to not reinforce or validate you bc i could see you were really struggling and i really wanted to comfort you. and it was really frustrating the next session when i had to make you spend the session doing your model of emotion worksheets because i knew you would be mad at me. but i care about you and knew it was what you needed."

anyway, i should probably go email the addiction counseling office now so she doesn't terminate with me. i still dont think i really need it, because i can deal with it myself, but im doing it for her because i can tell she's really out of her depth with me right now.

is it cringe to tag your vent posts? idk. part of me hopes somebody will find this and read it and find comfort in it.

- andrew

[love4hobi]

bts is holding him back lmfao don't bother calling yourself an army from now on 💀

i havent claimed to be that for a while.. although i do still listen to their music and solo stuff which to normal people would be more than enough to classify me as a fan lmao

but even though i doubt youre even going hear me out at all, im gonna use your ask to sort of clarify what i was talking about the other day for anyone willing to listen. because although i am currently only interested in "stanning" jhope (which by the way is a completely normal thing to do, literally armys are the only people who demonize so heavily the idea of only caring for one member of group) i do feel like the things i said came off a bit harsher than i meant and believe it or not i really dont have anything against the individual bts members

most of the people that are all upset about me being a "solo stan" are probably to far deep into that cult mindset to bother trying to understand what i have to say but im going to try anyway. and i really hope that u could at least try to read it with an open mind.

first of all, when i said i need bts stop holding jhope back, i would like to correct myself in that what i should have said was that i need HYBE to stop holding him back, because i honestly feel that all the members of bts are being equally fucked over by how hybe has chosen to handle this hiatus, their solo careers, and basically the last 2 years of their career. and i dont think they have as much of say in how these things happen as people think. if u dont mind id like to bring in a visual aid 👍

now although this is just an estimation of what the next few years will look like and some little details might be switched up, i think it still gives u a good idea of how things will probably play out. literally all i meant by "bts is holding him back" is that weve been waiting since 2018/2019 for new jhope music and now that this rushed and poorly promoted release of jack in the box is over he wont be able to release anything until like 2025 at the very least. and its because hybe is going to have every other member release solo projects consecutively regardless of whether they are genuinely organically at a place of being ready to release solo music, all in order to get them back as a group as fast as possible to increase profit again. meanwhile jhope is at the top of his popularity right now following hobipalooza and yet his solo era is officially over now and he will most likely be radio silent for the next few years.

there are so many things that frustrate me about how this has all played out. first of all the fact that their enlistment was pushed back so far that it has now come at arguably the worst time in their careers. hybe SHOULD HAVE had them enlisting or putting amout solo projects as soon as the pandemic ramped up instead of forcing them to release some of the worst songs in their discography, causing them to feel burnt out and that theyve lost their direction (which is literally exactly what they said in the festa video so dont even try to say im twisting their words). as someone who still genuinely enjoys bts' pre-pandemic music, i will never understand why some fans standards are low enough to think that their releases after mots7 compare to their previous music at all

but regardless of how i feel about their recent releases, hybe has been holding jhope back since mic drop. he has been consistently getting the least amount of lines and center time, to the point where he was able to showcase more of who he is as an artist in this past month of his solo release and with his lollapalooza performance than he has in the last several years as a member of bts. i dont care if youre a "solo stan" or not, you cant argue that. how can it possibly be good for someones development as an artist to always be pushed to the side like that. he has even talked in an interview before about actively holding himself back as to match the level of the other members.

he had less than 5 total minutes of lines for the entire set list of the permission to dance on stage concerts. hybe has one of the best dancers in the industry under their roof and yet theyve had him locked up in the basement since mots7 doing such simple choreo. and now, just as he finally starting to gain some recognition as a solo artist, he will be radio silent for the next 3 years AT LEAST.

now as for what i said about the rest of bts not being on jhopes level when it comes to performances, i realize that it probably sounded harsher than i meant it. but its honestly nothing against the other members, there are very few idols or artists in general that could have put on the sort of performance that jhope did at lollapalooza. its not a bad thing that someone like jimins excels more in a group performance (which hes said himself), or that people like rm and suga arent as much performers as they are producers and song writers. but its also not fair that jhope should have to be held back from his full potential within the group because of that

anyway, the point of everything ive said is that its not the bts members im referring to when i said bts is holding jhope back, its the way hybe treats them as a unit even when it comes to their solo projects. there was so much demand for jhope at lollapalooza he could easily being doing like a tour right now or other sorts of performances, literally any sort of promo like that, but hes not able to because hybe is holding him back and his solo era that weve been waiting years for was literally over within less than a month with the absolute bare minimum promotion on hybes end and we will most likely not see much of him anytime soon. so i hope you can understand why as someone whos a fan of him, thats a bit frustrating to me.

bts have had a good run as a group, i really do still like listening to their old music and watching their performances. and if in the future any of them do release a solo project that piques my interest id like to think that id be free to express my interest in it on my blog without being boxed in to the term "solo stan". but the way hybe treats them as a they exist as a group is clearly not productive for any of them anymore and only benefits the company in the form of profit. and if youre too far up their asses to see that then i dont know what to tell u

[bridgyrose]

AU where Ghira and Sienna used to be married before she took over the White Fang, with Blake being their child?

Blake ran her fingers through her hair as she watched over the chieftain’s manor from a nearby tree. Her dark skin helped her blend in with the shadows at night, her eyes seemed to glow from the light of the moon as they focused on the chieftain and his wife. “How could he marry someone else?” 

“Because he divorced your mom, didnt he?” 

Blake gripped the branch she sat on to keep herself from falling off the branch. “Ilia!” 

Ilia de-camouflaged herself and laughed. “Gotcha.” 

“Not funny.” 

“Whatever you say.” Ilia leaned back against the trunk of the tree and sighed. “So… you and Adam really are leaving tomorrow, arent you?” 

“Of course we are.” Blake sighed and looked away from the manor as her father walked back inside. “We have another mission in Vale to stop one of the dust train shipments.” 

“You dont sound so sure of yourself.” 

“Of course I’m sure!” Blake snapped. 

Ilia slowly nodded and moved her hand closer to Blake’s. “What… what if you were to stay here?” 

“You know I cant.” 

“But you could.” 

Blake went quiet as she looked up to the night sky through the leaves. Of course she couldnt stay. Her mother, Sienna, didnt exactly give her permission to come to Menagerie to start with since she didnt trust Adam, and the only reason she even followed him to Menagerie was to try to talk to her father again. Not that she actually made any progress with that. “Mom… doesnt exactly know I’m here.” 

Ilia sighed. “Because she doenst trust Adam, right?” 

“No, she doesnt. Thinks he’ll run the White Fang into the ground with how dangerous his ideas are. I just wish she’d actually see the results of what we’re doing. The shipments we stop, the mines we take back and the faunus we free… who cares if they come at the cost of human lives? We can make humans fear us-” 

“And you dont really believe that.” 

“...that obvious, huh?” 

“You dont say it with the same conviction that Adam does.” Ilia sat up a bit and looked over to Blake. “And… that’s not a bad thing. He’s still doing right for the cause, and you’re not like him. Or… like the rest of us.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You havent been wronged by humans in person.” 

Blake let out a heavy sigh and ran her fingers across the bark of her tree. “...right.” 

Ilia sighed and started to climb back down the tree. “Its not a bad thing, just… maybe you’re not in the right mindset.” 

Blake looked back to the manor and frowned as she let Ilia’s words mull around in her mind. “I dont need to be used by humans to have the right mindset…” Humans were a plague, she agreed with Adam on that sentiment, and they definitely needed to pay. Though, the longer she thought about it, the more she became unsure of herself and why she was still with the White Fang. Her mother was High Leader, her boyfriend she’d follow to the end of Remnant, she wanted nothing more than for faunus to be treated better than second class citizens… and yet, she still felt like there was something missing for all of this with her. 

“Blake, its time to go.” 

Blake was pulled out of her thoughts as she heard Adam’s voice and started to make her way down the tree. “Already?” 

“The train we’re stopping is going to be passing through Vale in a couple days,” Adam said as he turned to walk to the airship. “I want us to be there so we can set up an appropriate ambush.” 

“And we’ll leave those that are innocent out of it, right?” 

Adam paused to think about it. “Remember Blake, none of them are innocent.” 

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blake gripped her blade as she stood between Adam and one of the humans on the train. She hated the idea of standing up for one, but as far as she could tell, this one was innocent. “Adam, we’re here for the dust, not them.” 

“Remember what I told you: none of them are innocent.” Adam took a step forward towards the end of the train car, a smirk on his face as he raised his own blade. “If its not him, then its us.” 

“And I refuse to be part of this anymore!” Blake closed her eyes and sliced through the connector to the train cars and let out the breath she held. She slowly pulled her mask down and opened her eyes to watch Adam fall behind on the disconnected car. “I’m not like you.” 

The train worker slowly got up as Blake sheathed her blade, and he slowly walked to her. “You… saved me?” 

Blake didnt say anything more and hopped off the train. She ran through the Forever Fall forest, climbing trees and hopping from branch to branch to make sure she wouldnt be followed. As she started to hear the voices of other White Fang soldiers, she stopped and held onto the trunk of a tree to keep herself from being spotted. As the voices started to get further and further away, she pulled out her scroll and let out a heavy sigh as she looked over the webpage for Beacon Academy. Without a second thought, Blake started to look for a listing of the location to take an entrance exam. “I’m sorry mom, but I cant do this anymore. I have to find another way, even if you dont agree with me.”

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 

[nestable]

Feminism in ACOTAR

(This is a bit long so bare with me)

As a politics student and general member of the public who's curious about feminist themes, I've read a lot of feminist writings which have informed my opinion in saying that none of the acotar books can be described as feminist.

I've noticed that the big motivator behind describing the books as feminist is feyres appointment of High lady. Though that may be pivotal in prythian history, we cant ignore the fact that it is still a fairly patriachal society. Having a few women in places of power like mor, amren, feyre etc. Is not enough because women don't grow up on an island and are also influenced by patriachal views or mindsets. In short, just because someone is a woman and is in a position of power, doesnt mean that they will cater to the needs of women or are feminist. Women, especially white women(this is important because sjms writes white feminism) have often gotten into positions of power and actually ignored women and done the same that their male predecessors have done and often threw other women under the bus in order to retain their tokenism status. And the main flaw of white feminism which is the reason why it coined the term 'white feminism' is that it doesnt encompass all the intersectionalities that women reside in and only focus on a western model of what it means to be a woman and anything outside of that is backward and 'barbaric. We see this in the judgement and disregarding of POC's experiences and outlooks on life because they are different to theirs. There are more than enough examples of the white women in the series judging the illyrians which are seen by the fandom as POC's and how they maliciously drag their customs through the mud. Instead of getting these views from illyrian women themselves, we get them from white women who arent connected to that culture whatsoever and who have nothing to say except judgement and critique instead of actually helping.

We see this with the white characters views of illyrian cultures and their conclusion of the condition of women without even having a single conversation with illyrian women. Illyrian women in this set up have no agency and no voice and that leaves the women of the IC to speak for them which is counterproductive. This is wrong in that many western cultures have misinterpreted different cultures and ignored the women in those societies as being disenfranchised and have used this as an excuse to invade and colonize under the guise of liberating women when in actual fact they dont care about the women at all, and are only concerned in reaping the benefits of that culture and keeping them under their control. An example of this is rhys ignoring the treatment of illyrian women but reaping the benefit of having illyrians fight in his wars.

Feyre as high lady

It's unfair to judge feyres actions as high lady as yet because we've barely seen her act, but from the little that we know, she follows Rhys' every action and decision without question. And rhys hasn't done anything for the improvement of women's position socially or economically at all (we all know the state of the illyrian camps) in all the 500 yrs he's been high lord. Apart from Rhys, the inner circle has 2 women in the highest leadership positions and even they havent done anything and have even ignored the plight of women under their jurisdiction, (mor with Hewn city) I dont even think amren cares about anything besides her jewels tbh. So it's fair to assume that feyre will follow in those very footsteps. She already has biased and low views on the illyrians and people who reside in hewn city to the point where she participates in the 'pimp and whore' act that she puts on t deal with them. And we've never seen her speak to illyrian women so to her their voices and autonomy dont matter.

Male feminism in the IC

The only male who can be seen as being feminist in the series is Cassian because aside from simply declaring that wing clipping is illegal, he actually does the ground work to ensure it doesn't happen by offering the women to train with him. Though this is a weak cure for the issues the women face in Illyria, it's a start and far more work than anything the other characters have done in the name of women empowerment.

Another so called feminist figure in the series is rhysand. Why he's described as such defeats me, but I'll go through some points to prove that hes nothing of the sort.

1. He created a library for sexual assault survivors.

Though this is a nice effort, it can't be described as feminism because he doesnt extend the same courtesy to the other women in his territory and is only concerned with women in Velaris. Supporting women who worship you isnt feminism isnt feminism either and we know that the entirety of Velaris see the IC as blameless gods. Based on mors history, its obvious that the women in hewn city are suffering just as much if not more but hes forsaken them to live under mors parents/abusers rule. And creating a safe house for sexual assault survivors isnt as much feminism as it is human decency. Especially considering how much money hes got.

2. Banning illyrian wing clipping

Wing clipping is still a pandemic in the illyrian camps meaning that he didnt put enough provisions to ensure that it stops. Passing a law and ensuring that it is followed are two different things and rhys clearly dowsnt know the distinction. An additional point regarding illyrian women is that it was mentioned in acofas that they were joining the men in rebelling, and if that doesnt say anything about their feelings with him being high lord and how he doesnt cater to them, then I dont know what does. This also speaks to the point of the assumption that women of color dont have agency in their own societies. He said something like the men 'manipulated' the women into joining their rebellion, which insinuates that they can't think for themselves and are completely voiceless and this is a factor of whit feminism, the belief that WOC colour cant speak for themselves and are meek and susetable to being controlled or manipulated. It is a huge possibility that the women can't really express their opinions because they are suppressed by their men, however we dont see rhys interacting with any women and getting their opinion on things. He assumes that they are forced into everything and though we havent gotten the book yet I'm gonna say this is false. The reason being if rhys was such a good high lord and cared for women's issues, why would the women side with their 'abusive' men instead of their so called benevolent high lord?

3. Rhys appointed women in his IC

First of all, appointing women based on merit and qualifications is feminism, not appointing family members and you underaged bride just because 'you love her'. Though mor and amren may be qualified, and that's a massive 'maybe', they haven't done anything to improve the lives of women. Like their high lord they are complacent and Hewn city and illyria are more than enough to prove this. What rhys has essentially done is nepotism and corruption and no one can convince me otherwise.

Going further on the inner circle women, rhys was willing to sacrifice these very women to achieve his goal and this is self serving and anti feminist. The first being abusing feyre UTM and then using her as bait for the attor, then later making a deal with eris even though he knows his history with mor. If anyone believes that these actions are remotely feminist or excusable, then feminism is not for you and need help because its abusive and patriachal.

In conclusion rhys isnt feminist, mor isnt feminist, amren isnt feminist, feyre isnt feminist, azriel isnt even in the conversation and cassian is the only one scratching the surface. Also, white feminism is an exclusive and limited way to portray and execute feminism, women getting leadership positions based on their proximity to men just advances the false notion that women can only succeed if they 'sleep' their way to the top and just because a woman is in a leadership space, thag doesnt make that state of affairs inherently feminist because women are also carriers of patriarchy.

I tried to sum up my points but for more on white feminism, feminist intersectionalites and how being female doesnt make a person feminist, I advice you read Bell Hooks' writings because she touches on these topics in far better ways than I can.

[enzo-zzz]

A vent on the fandom + cg

If you dont wanna hear any negativity, please just ignore this post. It includes dissatisfication on the yttd fandom and ongoing belief in it. I'm not going to use very kind words here, so just ignore this post. 3b spoilers included.

I like yttd so much, but the english fandom, i cannot interact because how toxic it is. Even the smallest different of which route you choose, will attract anyone to abuse, harrass, ridicule or humiliate you. And to be truth, there are many of them who are so judgemental, to the point that there is only one thing that are right and the other are wrong. Black and white mindset. The term "canon route" is what fans created itself. I guess there are many of them who are teens or kids, since most of kids who havent grown up yet tend to lean towards black and white mindset, even if they believe they are not. If you find people who keep arguing especially on social media, you can bet that its teens. Adult are too tired to involve in things like fighting with strangers. There is one time when the poll asked your age and the age range quite small to teens age. I guess thats why i think so.

OTHER THAN THAT, THERE'S ONE THING I'M ANNOYED WITH. ABOUT THE CG AND HOW THE FANDOM DECIDES THAT THE MORE CGS, THE MORE CANON IT IS. To be perfectly honest, i'm the one who came up with the analysis that on certain route 2-2 ending the cg is more. But people really use it the wrong way and now thought that anything that has more cg is the canon route. The word canon route is wrong in itself, who tf come up with the term canon route in yttd? Is the reason for creating two route is for one to be canon only, or for sparing different characters, or for having different storyline? (I personally think that on different route, the story will change and the ones who got to live at last is probably different ). Now i see those who misuse that information everywhere. "In sou route 2-2 ending evil joe AI dont even have new cg but in kanna route he has. See how biased the devs are? he should have drawn more if he really meant the route to be the canon one. Kanna route will get happy ending, sou route is bad ending." I think thats stupid. B*tch, he keep reusing his old art here and there. You can check for yourself. Joe and midori has same hand based on the cg? He's just reusing the hand art. The arm in 3b and 1-1 is the same arm he reuse. Sou and kanna 2-2 ending basically use the same sou drawing, he just changed it a bit. Sara in 2-2 kanna ending use the same cg as when keiji try to calm her in front of computer, he just changed the face. Midori and sara on the 3b game screen cg basically use the same cg in the 3b content, but changed a bit. So i can think why need to create new cg when joe is still malicious as the hallucination in 2-2 sou ending? If i want to create something i will also reuse this to save my time.

So if you wanna really use this cg argument, then maybe you can consider why alice memory game got so many more cg than reko's? and how ranmaru gone insane has so many new sprite and pose with the hair like that. And why when dummy is dead they got cg's. Especially the ranmaru dying one, he got moving cg's and how it was put more effort into that. Then that means dummy dying is actually the canon route since when they alive they got no addtional cg? This is my assumption, but i think the devs just do as many cg as it takes depends on how impactful the scene he's working on, not because its canon, thats really a lazy take if he is actually unwilling to do extra route but still forcing himself to do it anyway. Imagine if dummy is dying but no cg, instead a message " ranmaru/mai/anzu died ". Do you think that will really give impact to you? This game clearly hinting that joe is going to be the spotlight of the game, even in 3b. So when sou set the real joe ai in kanna route for sara, the script is written for the real joe to genuinely react to sara. of course thats going to be heartwrenching since joe himself is the very important part of sara's life. When the script is made that way, lacking of cgs will hamper down the storytelling nankidai genuinely want to deliver. All i can say is it come from the heart of the author himself. If it is just only text for something as tearful as that moment and no cgs, it wont really touch the feeling isnt it? It is the same with alice memory game that tells about how alice "kill" midori. I'm not sure how many it is but atleast there is 3 cgs with one of them has variant. The story of how alice kill midori is also important and should have impact, thus the extra CG's. I can say its about being passionate and indulged in the storytelling.

I dont even know if joe will ever heal sara in sou route, but based on how the story still keep joe relevant til the end, then there must be something that need to happen between them in the end right? Nankidai even made sure that sara see the dog keychain in 3a if player probably choose to not ask gin about the dog keychain he's hiding in ch 2. Its also for relating ranmaru and joe. Having closure or conclusion with joe in the middle of game is still valid, and having a closure with joe at the end of the game is still valid. Imo, having closure with joe at the end of the game after all of those suffering involving him makes the better climax or impact for sara chara development since the game build up to highlight joe and mr. Policeman, it can be even better if all of it are to be pull together in the ending.

Even if the devs has route he prefer, he's not abandoning any route he less prefer, only if its true that he ever have a route he prefer. Plus you dont know which route he's prefer if any. He's taking his work seriously, it just some "fans" looking down on him, even to the point calling him biased, he's punishing the one who take another route, treating like he only use his career for egostatiscal reason (it somehow clearly mirrors that you are the one who egostatiscal to the point of wanting to find any excuse to punish other, you just using the devs name to validate your mindset). If he's dislike people who chose that route that much, then why create that route? If he know its tiring to make alternate route, then why still make the choice to let 3 dummy alive route at the end? It will make more work. I can only assume its out of passion, or just that he deep down wants the character to be alive atleast in a route ( idk if this is correct, i just read google translated version of his public fanbox that he's actually very reluctant at first when the time comes and "crying" so hard when he had to kill joe in chapter 1. So the part where he wants to spare some character is only my assumption ). By this punishing logic, shouldnt he not make alice die when you push reko ai to spare gin, and only do it to those who dont push the ai to save gin by killing real reko? I am more sure that the variants is to tell a different story or who to spare, and specifically for who sara actually was.

Happy endings? I'm not sure. I've expected that once from story with a lot of deaths, wishing for atleast the protagonists alive. Anime or story with a lot of death is definitely my jam, but from what i see, most of them has bittersweet ending, it depends on how the author wants it to be. Some author dont mind killing them all till the end, and some author just easily kill them all because they plan to revive them later. And everyone sense is different. Some japanese people sense in storytelling is a bit different imo. As the one being the audience, happy endings is the most common wish the audience wants. But its all up to the sense of the author. This is why i'm annoyed with some kids from overseas who rarely watch or play many things that involves a lot of death from japan suddenly says that this "one happy ending, this one bad ending! Everyone will survive in this route, everyone dead in this route"

Just play any route you like, nothing wrong with that. Whats wrong is to start this war of ridiculing others or have that irritating attitude towards those who play their own first route and start bad mouthing or desperately throwing bad assumption that one route will end very bad just for the sake of feeling better for your choice and to scare others.You do know that when you read a book, you'll only know if the overall story is good or bad until you know the ending right? The ending will conclude everything that happened. What happening in the fandom is now like, you only read 3/4 of the book and already expecting that this one will have good ending and bad ending. What if its not about the binary, but for the difference in direction? Its not that bad if the story of the book is kinda predictable, but with how plot twists become the main part of yttd's charm, its getting more difficult to predict how it will end. There's a lot of story which was masterpiece in every part as seen by fans, until the ending hits. Its what the author wants, but its not what the fans wants.

If you pick fights with others, even passively, the consequence is all on you. Good luck taking care of your mess.

Thats why i'm reluctant to publish any theory because the fandom will always use it as an excuse to pick fights with other and say " i'm more right bcs i got this proof" . U see in my caption i dont want any of those harasser to even digest my theory. If you are one of them get out of my blog.

[emakenz]

was talking abt symptoms of autism to my parents and my dad put his head in his hands saying he wish the internet didnt exist and that i should go to a library. bitch. you stupid slut. i am expressing my emotions and thoughts just like you have encouraged me to do then you fucking insult me? right to jail. go to big meanie jail. i am sending you to prison.

i was saying how i present a lot of the symptoms (such as social impairment, lack of understanding in social cues, RSD, not understanding social standards and therefore not abiding by what i "ought to do" //like shaving my legs bc im a girl. hell no. hate the feeling, and im not cis, and im not your fucking doll on display//, sensory issues, difficulty processing shit, hyperfixations, etc etc) and he goes and fucking. pretty much SHAMES me for it. not outright saying it, but definitely implying that im just trying to get attention or be special or that im a hypochondriac. im sorry, but last i checked, IM the one whos taken CLASSES. AT SCHOOL. about similar shit. and you have the nerve to blame THE INTERNET for me spitting straight fire. burn in my wrath you dumb whore. im SORRY for EXPRESSING MYSELF and RAMBLING ABOUT THINGS IM INTERESTED IN. god forbid i fucking talk about anything that goes against YOUR VIEWS. you always say that you "dont push your beliefs on others" and that others "shouldnt push their beliefs on you" but yet you stand there and belittle MY BELIEFS when im the one that actually RESEARCHED what IM TALKING ABOUT. what do you know. you only have "experience" (living in a small town full of closed minded hillbillies that strut their problematic asses through life. THATS NOT EXPERIENCE. YOUVE ONLY LIVED IN ONE FUCKING CITY YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU DONT LEAVE, YOURE ALWAYS AT HOME OR AT WORK. YOU DONT INTERACT WITH PEOPLE DIFFERENT THAN YOU. YOU DONT KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT EXPERIENCE AS YOU HAVENT FUCKING LIVED OR LEARNED.). you always compare yourself to others, saying how youre laid back and lenient and the most easy going dad in town, yet when i compare literally anything saying that something is better than this (like i can say i believe that so and so is better than whatstheirface) and if it goes against your opinion, you fucking go on and on about how youre right and im wrong because im just a kid that hasnt lived. bitch you havent lived and youre 45. get over yourself you white cishet privileged motherfucker. your only "discrimination" is being poor, but that comes with living as a LOW LIFE THAT DOESNT TRY TO BETTER THEIRSELF OR TAKE AN OPPORTUNITY WHEN YOU SEE ONE. ive lived in the same broken down trailer since before i was born, ive only went to one school up until high school, (one school for elementary and middle school then the high school, thats it), i havent had a job or done anything with any impact to society so therefore im worthless in your eyes? you provided this for my life. im not going to be your doll, your pet, your servant or what have you. im a fucking person, an individual with my OWN "experience" and views and beliefs. im not following your rules, the rules that have no reason to exist other than it displeases you if i dont follow them. i try to educate myself, i research, i interact with different kinds of people, and while i may not have firsthand "experience" with much, at least i fucking try to not be ignorant. youre so willingly ignorant, you dont care about the facts, you dont trust anything or anyone. youre so skeptical of every little thing. but somehow your beliefs are the definite reality? that you hold the truth? youre so skeptical you dont even trust your own views, you claim to be open minded, then turn around and claim to be closed minded and that your views cant be changed unless proven otherwise, yet even when your view is proven against being true, you still dont believe it. you dont have the confidence in yourself to hold yourself accountable by your own words. youre an ignorant, close minded, hypocritical asshole. i love you, but DAMN you make me mad. everyone has flaws but.. damn. problematic king behavior over here, get him the crown of dumbassery. goddamn.

hes apologized and explained that he tries to be mindful and how much he has to hold his tongue and that hes being polite to me compared to others and how he wont change etc etc. thats not an apology thats a half hearted explanation of why you act that way and that you dont really feel the need to actually try. you say its hard for you to talk to me bc im so "political" and take things literally and personally (the last two are true, but if im to be officially diagnosed with autism, im throwing that in his face. ill give HIM and explanation of why I dont fit his eyes.), im not even political im just honest. if i notice you saying or doing something thats genuinely Wrong, im going to say something, i dont want to be the judgemental "millenial" (im gen z, not that it matters really) but i also dont want to just stand by without saying something. you say im so "politically correct" and it hurts me that you feel so passionate about your fragile mindset that you feel the need to call me out on my "argumentative attitude". im just trying to spread awareness, go ahead, call the pharmacist a slur, say it to their face, you coward. you wont. because you know that its wrong. if you have the balls to say it, i hope someone actually tells you off and gives you the same treatment. you couldnt handle it. being "discriminated" against, while in reality, you were the discriminater. dont fucking dish it out if you cant handle it. be mindful, respectful, and educate yourself. check yourself before you wreck yourself. or someone will come to wreck you themself to teach you a lesson.

very big vent here im tired. ignore this lmfao. everythings fine im just a petty bitch.