#about not really fitting in anywhere. cause it's like. if i identify as this i'll be totally dismissing my white family members

[woodnrust]

*rocking in the corner of the room* i am comfortable in my identity people respect my identity i am wanted i fit in with others who share my identity i am not an outcast nor am i an anomaly

[bird-inacage]

After your last gifset (the sun vs moon one) and in light of the two preview clips we get from next week - Sand shutting Ray's request to be friends down and Ray having his little jealous fit at the party - I keep thinking about the fight at Sand's apartment from the trailer. And what I think I'd like (but am sadly not convinced will happen, because why would they cause us the least pain?) is for that fight to happen after the party jealousy episode, and be because Ray's finally confronting some level of his feelings for Sand. What I'm imagining in my best-case scenario is: Ray has his jealous fit and goes to talk to Sand afterwards, with the intention of keeping Sand on the hook/reinstating the flirtation even though it isn't going to go anywhere. (I don't think he'd encourage outright cheating because that instantly = no more Mew.) Sand turns that down flat because "Do you think I have no dignity?" as per the OST clip. And Ray has another jealous/entitled meltdown and says he doesn't even want to be with Sand anyway, he wishes he'd never met him, and he bets those grapes were sour anyway etc etc. Anyway, I don't think it will happen, but I like the idea on the grounds of a) Sand having a backbone! Yes please! and b) continuing to set up Ray's inevitable full-bore bitch fit if/when the ex shows back up. I thought you might enjoy that scenario too!

Haha, Hello Anon! 👋

Firstly, I do hope Sand stands his ground. He's given Ray A LOT of chances. If he starts wavering, I'll flip a goddamn table. Sand needs to stick up for himself, but also narratively Ray has to feel the threat of Sand distancing to ever recognise his own feelings.

What I anticipate is things with Mew start to get a little rocky. Whilst Top is doing his level best to win Mew back, that's potentially when Sand's ex enters the scene. Timing wise, Sand is going to be much more susceptible to an old flame trying to rekindle whilst he's bouncing back from Ray. He's not in too deep yet to be opposed to the idea of moving onto someone else. So this is where the ex could do the most damage. Sand is a man of principle so if the ex showed up whilst he and Ray were already together, I don't think he'd be as easily swayed. Which is why I'd be inclined to expect the ex to show up before Ray and Sand have identified each other as lovers.

Now if that does happen, Ray is going to have an existential crisis. He finally has Mew, and yet he's not happy. He's seething. He's bothered. Perhaps Mew notices how worked up Ray seems to be over this.

What leads to the fight scene in Sand's apartment has to be pretty considerable. This fight looks 10x more brutal than the one outside the bar. And due to the sheer devastation in Sand's reactions throughout, I'm not sure this will take place next episode. I think whatever tension is brewing between them will need to escalate much, much more if it's to go from somewhat numb to utter anguish.

"You think my life will be better with you? It's only f*cking going down to hell." The dialogue could be read either as 'oh you think I'd be better off with you as my boyfriend instead of someone else (e.g. Mew)?' or 'you really think you would make my life better?' (in a more general sense).

But yes, I'm all for Ray going on a steady trajectory of losing his mind over Sand giving him the cold shoulder. Added in with the likelihood of things just not working out at all with Mew, and potentially Sand's ex rocking up. *Rubs hands together* I just need to see Ray jealous. That's all I really want. That boy was behaving way too cocky in the Episode 8 preview and he needs to be brought back down to earth. Swiftly.

Thanks for the ask! 😉

---birdie

[asha-mage]

Missing the Mark: Language, Style, and a Discomfort with Ambiguity

I have a lot of respect for Sanderson as an author, even if his books are decidedly Not For Me, I can appreciate that clearly he has enough skill at his craft to have attained a degree of success as an author that few even dream of. And beyond that, reading his forward of The Gathering Storm has never failed to make me burst into tears, as his clear grief and pain at the passing of Robert Jordan comes through in a way that speaks to my own. I've very rarely felt like a kindred spirit to an author the way I do reading that forward, sharing in the loss of someone who was such a huge and important part of my life because of the books he wrote and the impact they had on me.

That said.

I can respect Sanderson's decision not to try imitating Robert Jordan's signature style of writing for fear of it being a kind of disrespect, while still thinking he did not expend enough effort to adapt his own style to the world and characters of WoT. Some of this is subtle (the way he mentions the 'soil made red by iron' or 'the very carbon of their spears'), which while annoying doesn't fully break with the sense of world. But their are cases where it is far more overt and far more jarring.

For example the use of the phrase 'medical aid' in the prologue, despite the fact that the word 'medical' has never appeared anywhere else in the entirety of the story. Sanderson likely does this to distinguish the aid the characters in question (Seanchan sul'dam) will get from the power-based Healing that the readers are more familiar with (which the sul'dam would find repellent). The desire not risk equating lower-case-h healing with Capital H Healing makes sense, since Sanderson doesn't want to confuse the reader. But it betrays a lack of the trust in the reader to be able to distinguish between the two, and more over a lack of imagination to phrase it in a way that wouldn't begat confusion. Instead Sanderson turns to a very modern phrase that doesn't frankly fit the world of WoT.

This is a broader problem with Sanderson, who I've always said writes like one hell of a scientist. He has an innate desire to categorize, identify, and separate terms, resisting ambiguity and doubt in how he writes. Sanderson's tenor sees the term 'channeling' go into common practice by all characters, and distinctions between saidar and saidin users, even among characters for whom it makes no sense to understand those terms or use them. Jordan has most characters, especially ones without much worldly knowledge, lump all use of the One Power together, and think of all channelers as Aes Sedai whether or not it makes logical sense (Rand ran into this problem especially early on internally and externally). Most people are certainly not even really familiar with the terms saidin and saidar for most of the series, not understanding the difference unless they have cause to know. By contrast, even common farmers understand the difference in Sanderson's run, and can draw a clear distinction between Wilders, Aes Sedai, damane, and Asha'man, without any prior experience with those groups, and moreover comfortably use terms like channeler, saidin, and saidar, despite all the fear, doubt, misinformation and ambiguity about the One Power that exists throughout Randland.

This also leaks over into the way Sanderson depicts characters, who all possess a baseline level of self awareness that shows his lack of comfort with ambiguity and doubt. One of the maximums of Jordan's writing is that people in general know very little about themselves, and are more likely to see themselves and others in distorted or incorrect fashions based on their prejudices and basis. I'll talk more about this when I talk about Perrin and Mat specifically (and more over how Mat's charm and Perrin's central character conflict are wrapped up in the distorted views they have of themselves, and the distorted views others have about them), but what's important for this particular meta is that it shows again Sanderson's lack of comfort with ambiguity. Characters always see themselves and their problems with clarity, and the struggle is not a search for understanding of themselves and others, but rather a means to overcome the obstacles of their problems. They also are far less likely to have distorted views of each other, and when characters do judge each other based on biases and misunderstandings, these are often cleared up with very little strife. Gawyn gets the worst of this, where he manages to basically correct his assumptions and biases about Rand entirely on his own through self reflection, without ever ACTUALLY having to confront or speak to Rand to realize he's wrong. Instead he simply magically realizes his own classism and prejudice are the problem, resolves to get over them, does, and never has to deal with it again.

Sanderson writes as I said, like one hell of a scientist: conflicts and characters are clear cut and well defined, as are the terminologies and language that they use to describe their world and each other. Conflict under him becomes more like a mathematical equation, a matter of getting the right pieces and the right characters into the right place to solve the problem at hand, without any of the messy more human parts to meddle with achieving that solution.

This stands in sharp contrast to the way Jordan writes conflict, which is heavily interlocked with how he built his world. Jordan writes conflict and characters as a tangled web, each thread and action pulling on others, shaping the story and events in ways both obvious and subtle, for good and bad. An often repeated maxim of Egwene's character arc, the law of unintended consequences (where regardless of whether what you do has the effect you want it to or not, it will have at least three you never expected and at least one will usually be unpleasant) is largely forgotten under Sanderson, replaced by a much simpler and more direct law: where each action has cause and effect, each problem has a solution, and the conflict lays in overcoming the obstacles to completing those actions, and arriving at those solutions.

Is that a bad way to write? Not really. It's just different. And yet that difference is fundamental, and it clashes with the nature of the story of WoT in a way that, each time it's made apparent, throws me out of the story, sometimes a little bit, sometimes a whole lot.

[alostlittleriverlotus]

Just wanna say some things, I suppose.

I'm a bit anxious so just a small little pool of thoughts.

★Long Post Ahead★

God the interaction with my Empaths post has been wonderful! It's more than I get anywhere so uh yeah. I do want to declare: if you identify with "empath" and feel it fits you, I have no problem with using the term. I don't personally use it, but that post is not to mock people who do use the term. That post was just a rant on how people that pride themselves on high empathy often end up being quite cruel and using it as a justification for ableism towards personality disorders, especially ASPD and NPD. If you just use the term "empath" and like it better than hyperempathy or something then that's fine. You do you :)

I'm still learning how Tumblr works and all lol. Even when I did use it YEARS ago, I never posted so I'm just tryna figure stuff out 😅 so if I mess up with things like putting the right things, I'll try to fix it (like adding the "long post" warning to my empaths post as well as adding a "keep reading" option. I didn't even know that's how it worked! So cool!)

Also I don't really plan to make lots of things like the empaths posts. Basically making rants and stuff. I am pretty anxious overall (as I said in my welcome post, I am borderline scared of people) and so I don't wanna make these long rants constantly about things I feel strongly about. Mostly this is a place to rant about my thoughts/emotions, share my experiences, hopefully make people feel less alone, and to just rant about my special interests.

Now if you send me an ask or message, I will read it most likely. I don't know if I'll respond (cause getting used to Tumblr and still having LOTS of anxiety towards social media due to negative experiences), but if you are trying to provide awareness then please know I will try to listen, even if I don't reply. I'll do some research and consider what is said. I'm not someone that just writes off criticism, especially since I did used to be like that (more as a kid, but still) and so I am always willing to learn and be better. I may not publicly show it (unless it truly is an important thing I should speak about) especially if it's just a private little "hey to let ya know," but I do try to listen and understand, and change things if need be. I get extremely anxious due to my disorders which adds to my avoidance (I have avoidant personality disorder), but I do try to listen, do research, and especially listen to groups I'm not a part of when they say how they feel about stuff.

This is mostly just a post to help my anxiety. I get extremely anxious around social media due to past negative experiences, as I said. Even just saying I disliked a popular pokemon got people literally making fun of me, I've been downvoted for saying I wanted a chubby character in Pokemon, and I've had people get upset at me cause I said I didn't like a ship. Aside from that, it's also just generally those groups of (typically) cis men on the internet that really hound on you and put you down. I used to see that stuff a lot more and it drove me to having major anxiety attacks. I get scared even when someone leaves a nice comment. So when I put the "asocial" thing in my bio, I really mean it. I'm quite literally scared of people. Even when I met my gf and my best friend MA, I was terrified of them. It's a lot of my disorders, but I just thought to explain that as it really affects how I act on social media. I really will try my best, but if I ever go private, delete something, etc. it may just be due to bad anxiety. Heck, just seeing people interacting with my post makes me have bad anxiety symptoms. But I just wanted to go a bit more in-depth about that while I'm thinking it. It's important, in my mind, to mention due to it and yeah. I've received some issues before, but I've also found myself able to manage it. Such as:

So on a TikTok I explained being aceflux. I got 1,000+ likes on that comment. sure about 10 or so folks were rude and saying that's just normal sexuality, libido, or whatever and one saying "I experience that, but I'm not a special snowflake." Mostly I just blocked em, cause come on, I know my experiences. But plenty of people replied saying they finally had a word for it, they were crying over finally knowing what they were, and all of that. I had like 1300-1500 likes on that comment and people asking me genuine questions. I CAN handle it and it makes me happy to have seen such love and been able to make others feel so seen :) that is my biggest thing for sharing what I share. I like being that person that helps others find what they feel or feel seen. Cause when I was younger, I always wanted to be that person cause I thought they were amazing. The cool alternative people I'd see, I wanted to be confident like them. So even if I am terrified and anxious and have these disorders, I want to make little me proud and be able to share who I am. That's why even if I'm terrified or need to choose my mental health sometimes, I am also happy I'm doing this. I'll probably have times where I ghost this account since I've done that on other social media, but I know I'll still come here sometimes.

So that'll probably be the end of my post. I'm working on myself a lot and I feel this can be a good chance for that. I never intend to harm others with my words or anything like that. I'm passionate and autistic and so I tend to speak without always knowing my tone.

I'll also try to put trigger warnings/content warnings. However, if I forget one or don't properly put the warnings, please let me know so I can fix them. I will also try to use tone indicators if asked or if I see that I might need them. I'm sure this post comes off as /srs so I don't feel quite like I need them, but either way, this post is ★/srs /gen★ just so people know.

[ana-benn]

Chubbs

Warnings: Jamie Benn, male insecurities manifesting as possessiveness, self-body shaming, it'll probably be a bit smutty....

A companion piece to Insecure.

----------------------------------------------------------

There was something amiss with your husband. You didn't know exactly what that was, but you only had a few more weeks until training camp so you hoped it would be a brief thing. That had been a vain hope after two weeks if him sulking through the house. Always grabbing a kid and finding an excuse to be elsewhere. If you had to identify it you could guess maybe he felt a little neglected this summer.

First you'd had family around, celebrating birthdays and what not, then you'd had to deal with a fussy teething baby and a jealous toddler, now Tyler had moved in temporarily because he was having his floors replaced. Something about a burst water heater. It was a far cry from a few years ago when you and Jamie would've gone traveling, and hanging out with friends. He was finally dealing with the family-man lifestyle and you could only figure he wasn't loving where it left him sometimes.

To be honest you didn't always love it either. You missed just picking up and going to watch him play in the middle of a long road trip, but pouting about not getting quality time was a bit much. It was just where you were with two little kids, and responsibilities to friends and family. Not to mention it had killed your sex life the last few weeks.

You decided naptime would be the perfect time to talk to Jamie, so after putting the boys down for their nap, and making sure Tyler had gone home to check in on the progress, you slipped into a bikini and went to meet Jamie poolside. You knew that's where he would be, since that's where you'd left him after Wyatt's swim lesson. He'd stayed outside reading when you'd taken the boys upstairs for nap time. It was a routine when he was home that he handled sleep schedules, but he'd let you sleep in this morning managing breakfast solo so you took the nap shift.

"Hey mister, can I join you?" You joked sitting next to him on a lounger.

"Huh, yeah of course," he mumbled not really looking up from his phone.

You began applying sun tan lotion, hoping the movement would get him to look at you, but when it didn't you nudged him with the bottle, "Babe, help me with my back?"

He looked almost wary as he took the bottle, and helped put lotion on your back. You let out a soft moan at the feel of the cool lotion, mixed with his rough hands. You felt him falter, before he quickly finished and went back to his phone.

You rolled your eyes at that, "What are you doing, Jame?"

"Just reading some stuff the trainers sent over," he said. "Wanna get ready for training camp."

About that time Tyler showed up, pulling his shirt off and plopped down on the other side of Jamie, "Mom, Dad I'm home!"

You laughed, but didn't miss the slight eye roll from your husband. You filed that information away, as Tyler started going into a dialogue about how his repairs were going. Somewhere in that Jamie just stood up and walked inside.

"Sorry Tyler, he's usually a much better host," you apologized watching your husband's retreating back.

"Eh, I get it I'm probably overstaying my welcome. I can get a hotel, so long as your good with watching the dogs. I don't think they'll be allowed," he mused.

"Nonsense, I'm going to go talk to him. You're not going anywhere, we said you could stay until your house was livable and we meant it," you scolded. "Just...maybe, if you hear the baby could you grab him?" You waited for his nod before leaving the baby monitor with him and going in search of Jamie.

You found him in your bedroom, laying back on the bed with his arm over his eyes. You took him in for a moment before shutting the door quietly behind you. When Jamie didn't move you decided to just dive right in.

You moved next to him and sat on the edge of the bed, "What's going on Jamie?" You asked softly.

"Nothing, just.... Nevermind it's nothing," he sighed out.

"You just walked away from your best friend mid-conversation, I don't think that's nothing," you pressed gently.

"If his feelings matter so damn much why don't you go out there with him. You're not usually his type, but he's been known to make exceptions," Jamie spit out bitterly.

"Okay, what the fuck Jamie!"

The silence that followed had you going to your dresser, pulling on a pair of shorts and a tank top, "You wanna sit here and sulk, fine! But don't accuse me of that, we both know that's not the kind of girl I am." Before you could reach the door he was on you, pulling your small frame into his body.

"No, then what kind of girl are you?" He mumbled into your neck before move up to kiss you roughly. You denied him entrance for a moment, but a rough nip caused you to gasp allowing him in.

"I asked you a question baby," he growled out as he let you up for air. Pushing you back onto the bed with softer hands than his tone should've allowed.

"I....I'm," you're response was cut off by Jamie pushing your shirt off to reveal your stomach, finally back to it's pre-baby flatness, peppering you with tender kissed mixed with sharp nips along your skin. You whimpered as he used the time to push the shorts off your body as well, pushing your bikini bottoms to the side and running a finger up your slit.

"Come on sweetheart, you can do it," he mocked lightly.

"Jamie, please," you cried out. The absence of his body over yours for weeks mixed with his teasing touches leaving you overwhelmed.

"Tell me what kind of girl you are, and I'll get you what you want," he compromised.

"I'm your girl," you spit out, as he plunged a finger in your core.

"You are, you're my girl baby, don't forget that," he praised. "Now you're going to cum for me, just like this and then I'm going to fuck you right here."

He kept thrusting his fingers into you, adding in a thumb rubbing against you clit, "Eyes on me." He commanded as you fell apart against his fingers.

You barely had time to gather yourself before he had his cock inside of you. You groaned at the feeling of him sliding home, as he leaned into you neck releasing a small groan of his own. After a couple of testing thrusts into you he resurfaced.

"That's my girl," he grunted out. "Feel how well you fit around my cock? This pussy was made for me."

You moaned out at his words, only able to lift your hips to meet his thrusts. "Say it," he commanded with a sharp thrust.

"M...my pussy was made for you," you whimpered out.

"Whose girl are you?" His voice was demanding and rough.

"Your's!" You were rewarded with a rough thrust of his hips, encouraging you.

"I'm all yours Jamie," you whispered in his ear. "No one else gets to touch me like this. No one else gets to fuck me."

His hips never stopped after that as he shoved you over the edge, crying out as you came around him. He pounded you through your orgasm and buried his rough, bearded face into your neck. His nips and sucking would mean a dark hickey, but you couldn't care in that moment. His fingers found your nub again as he worked you up to bring you over the edge one more time before he painted your walls with thick ropes of cum.

You stayed like that for a little while. Just stroking his hair as he kissed and nipped at your skin, "You ready to talk about it?" You asked.

Jamie sighed readjusting so you were next to him, his arm around your waist, "You know how I didn't really start working out until I got drafted? I made it to the stars and a few of this guy's would chirp me about being a little chubby. Whatever it was just guy stuff, I started working out and I got a nickname. I never really felt insecure about it, until Tyler started walking around my damn house shirtless. All I could think about was that every girl seems to prefer that and I don't compare. Isn't that just pathetic? I'm jealous like a thirteen year old girl," he confessed.

"I don't prefer that," you replied. "I prefer the guy who is home to help with the kids, and always down for mexican food," You moved to straddle him. "I like that you don't spend hours a day at the gym, so you can come home and read to the boys. I like that you give the best warm hugs, and you always know when I need to cuddle. I love you Jamie Benn, not some hyper-sexualized professional athlete."

He kissed you at that, and grinned, "Didn't you make me fuck you in full gear once?"

"Shhhh," you pressed your fingers to his lips. "We're not going to talk about that."

"Fine then we're going swimming, it's hot as hell," he laughed pulling you downstairs, insecurities forgotten. You grinned at him as you just enjoyed his energy.

It was good to have your husband back.

[they-callme-ami]

Gender and Sexuality headcannons for Infinity Train passangers and Hazel. 

(I’ll make a seperate posts for just the photos but if you want to read about the why behind them, click down below for more)

Tulip Olsen:

Gender wise, I think Tulip is a demigirl. The definition (according to google) is "A gender identity term for someone who was assigned female at birth but does not fully identify with being a woman, socially or mentally." For some reason, while I was doing this--it just felt like Tulip. She identifies as a girl, uses the pronouns and seems happy as one--but she seems like the kind of person to not really fit with other women in a certain way, if that makes sense.

Sexuality wise, I'll be honest. I think Tulip is an aromantic. And I don't just mean because she never had a potential love interest or human friend on the train. Her little road trip song? "No romance, no romance, no romance for me mamma." Plus, check the colors match, I rest my case.

Lake:

Okay this one is easy and I don't even think there will be any arguments or debate about this one. The evidence is all there. Cutting off hair, wearing more masculine/androgynous clothing, wanting to be your own person, changing their name to a NOUN to signify their new life, not wanting to be put into boxes? Lake is a she/her and they/them (mostly the later after escaping the train) non-binary and pansexual. It's just the facts.

Jesse Casay:

For Jesse, I believe that he is trans. Why? Most of book 2 was about Lake's journey to discover who they are and get off the train, but Jesse was still their because of his own lessons he had to learn. He was a people pleaser and never stood up for himself and did what he thought would make people like him more. He also makes his little brother partake in his 'friends' ritual of a 'manhood test' where they shove him down a hill and he breaks his arm--it feels like he was in a way, overcompensating. It seems like he's such a people pleaser and conformist because he doesn't want to give others a chance to dismiss him for who he is.

I also think he is pansexual. No deep meaning--I just honest to god think he truly does like EVERYONE.

Grace Monroe:

Her parents didn't seem like the type to pay attention to their daughter already, and give off 'rich black republican' energy which clues me in on 2 things.

Her parents would not care enough to use Grace's pronouns if she were trans, so I do believe she is cisgender.

Her parents wouldn't even notice that she's a lesbian, and if they did she definitely wasn't allowed to act on those feelings. Probably why she has a hard time interacting with other girls her age and why she sees Simon as just a friend, despite all the tools there for them to have been together.

Simon Laurent:

Look this isn't even me doing the whole 'haha, the bad guy is the cishet, cis-het white men are icky' thing. Literally, name one thing about Simon that could be queer-coded. You could argue he was deep DEEP in the closet I guess--but I just got straight and cisgender vibes from him.

Hazel:

Now stay with me on this one. Stay with me here. This is not because Hazel is a denizen. But I believe Hazel is an intersex child that uses she/her pronouns is aromantic. Hazel is only 6 (or so she says) and it's a bit hard to argue sexuality for someone who's both very young and probably hasn't even had their first crush yet. But gender wise--I think intersex works. Not only does Hazel remind me of Stevonnie (a cannon intersex character) but her whole character is her trying to figure out 'what' she is and how she doesn't completley belong anywhere. She was most comfortable with Tuba, another denizen like her, but even Hazel was 'different' from her and was caught between 2 worlds--and she didn't want to choose. She's just Hazel.

Amelia Hughes:

Super easy here. Amelia gives off bi-wife energy and distinguished bi energy where ever she goes. She just--I can't explain it but she isn't straight for sure. You could argue she leans closer to men because of marrying Alrick but proposing to a man during that time period?? Not the traditional cis-het womanly thing to do. Also--come on. Y'all know. Y'all KNOW.

Min-Gi Park:

Book 4 was just "this is for the mlm" personified. Book 2 was for the trans/enby folk, but book 4 was for the gays. Min-Gi is the personification of 'in the closet but in love with my best friend' to the 9's. The reason he gets off the train is because he finally accepts that he doesn't want to fit the status quo, he wants to be with Ryan and outright says he won't LEAVE the train without Ryan--who was currently still at 202-- while he was at 0. That is the GAYEST shit I ever saw. He's def not out to anyone yet, but he checks off those boxes alright.

Ryan Akagi:

Do I need to explain?? Do I REALLY need to explain? I will. Ryan is a neurodivergent, rocker teen who drives a van across the country in the 80's and wants his childhood best friend to come back and reform their band. He uses the t-shirt said best friend made for him as a headband and keeps it for years after they spilt apart. He has a rockin fashion sense, definitely loves the ladies (he unironically flirted with a cat and had multiple girlfriends) but also is in love with his best friend. Hell--he FITS the red-blue soulmate trope--he is literally a rebel without a cause and doesn't seem to fit anywhere but with his best friend and band partner--

Ladies and Gentleman, Ryan Akagi is a disaster bisexual enby that uses he/him and they/them pronouns, thanks for coming to my fuckin' Ted Talk.

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from the "American Psycho" film (trigger heavy)

"God, I hate this place. It's a chick's restaurant."

"Are you freebasing or what ?"

"They don't have a good bathroom to do coke in."

"You're a fucking ugly bitch. I wanna stab you to death and play around with your blood."

"I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine."

"I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older."

"And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, and may be you can even sense our life styles are probably comparable, I simply am not there."

"Don't wear that outfit again."

"Come on. You're prettier than that."

"You don't like this, I take it."

"Do you know anything about Sri Lanka ?"

"This is crazy ! You're a fool.

"I mean, can you talk to these people or something ? I'm not getting anywhere.

"You're fucking me, and we haven't made plans."

"I'm on a lot of lithium."

"What could you possibly be up to tonight ?"

"Wear something fabulous."

"I just want a child."

"How on Earth did you get a reservation there ?"

"It looks so soft."

"Impressive. Very nice."

"You're sweating."

"Why don't you get a job ?"

"You got a negative attitude. That's what's stopping you."

"You gotta get your act together. I'll help you."

"You reek of shit. Do you know that ?"

"I don't have anything in common with you."

"I have all the characteristics of a human being-- flesh, blood, skin, hair-- but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust."

"Something horrible is happening inside of me, and I don't know why."

"My nightly bloodlust has overflowed into my days."

"I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy."

"I think my mask of sanity is about to slip."

"Mistletoe alert."

"It's a Vietnamese potbellied pig. They make darling pets."

"How you been ? Workaholic, I suppose ? Haven't seen you in a while."

"I like to dissect girls."

"Did you know I'm utterly insane ?"

"I've got a tanning bed at home. You should look into it."

"Do you have a dog ? A little chow or something ?"

"He was completely naked and standing up on the table."

"Where do I send the bastard ?"

"I hope I'm not being cross-examined here."

"It's just strange. One day, someone's walking around, to work, alive, and then-- Nothing. People just disappear."

"That's a very fine chardonnay you're drinking."

"You have a very nice body."

"Not quite blonde, are you ? More dirty blonde."

"Don't you wanna know what I do ?"

"How much did you pay for it ?"

"I don't want you to get drunk, but that's a very fine chardonnay you're not drinking."

"It was too artsy, too intellectual."

"You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument."

"Look at the camera."

"If they have a good personality and they are not great looking, then who fucking cares ?"

"There are no girls with good personalities."

"A good personality consists of a chick with a little hard body who will satisfy all sexual demands without being too slutty about things and who will essentially keep her dumb fucking mouth shut."

"The only girls with good personalities, who are smart or maybe funny or halfway intelligent or talented-- though God knows what the fuck that means-- are ugly chicks."

"Listen, what about dinner ?"

"I've seen you looking at me. I've noticed your hot body. Don't be shy."

"I've gotta return some video tapes."

"I never knew you smoked."

"I'm not sure, but I don't think dyslexia is a virus."

"It's a fucking milligram of sweetener. I wanna get high off this, not sprinkle it on my fucking oatmeal."

"Can you keep it down ? I'm trying to do drugs."

"Sorry, dude. Steroids."

"I'm into, uh, well, murders and executions, mostly."

"So, where do you work out ?"

"You think I'm dumb, don't you ?"

"There's something sweet about you."

"Would you like to accompany me to dinner ? That is, if you're not doing anything."

"Let's not think about what I want. How about anywhere you want ?"

"You look great. Very fit."

"You can always be thinner, look better."

"What do you really wanna do with your life ? Just briefly, summarize. And don't tell me you enjoy working with children, okay ?"

"Well, I'd like to travel and maybe go back to school, but I don't really know. I'm at a point in my life where there seems to be so many possibilities, but I'm-- I don't know-- I'm just so unsure."

"Do you have a boyfriend ? "

"Are you seeing anyone ? I mean, seriously ?"

"It's me. Don't try to hide."

"I know I have a tendency to get involved with unavailable men."

"I think if you stay, something bad will happen. I think I might hurt you. You don't wanna get hurt, do you ?"

"I don't wanna get bruised."

"I'm not so sure about this. I had to go to Emergency after last time."

"This won't be anything like last time. I promise."

"This is nicer than your other apartment."

"If you had a platinum card, she'd give you a blowjob."

"Do you have any coke ? Or Halcyon ?"

"Let's not get lewd. I'm in no mood for a lewd conversation."

"Are you telling me you've never gotten it on with a girl?"

"No. I'm not a lesbian. Why would you think I would be into that ?"

"You're making me feel weird."

"You actually listen to Whitney Houston ?"

"Not the face!"

"My need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale cannot be corrected, but I have no other way to fulfill my needs."

"You're inhuman."

"I'm in touch with humanity."

"I know my behavior can be erratic sometimes."

"What do you want me to do ? What is it that you want ?"

"If you really wanna do something for me, then stop making this scene right now."

"I'm leaving. I've assessed the situation, and I'm going."

"Drop the weapon ! Drop it now !"

"I guess I've killed maybe... 20 people."

"I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little."

"I just had to kill a lot of people !"

"I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it... this time."

"I mean, I guess I'm a pretty sick guy."

"I think you should go now."

"What did you say, you dumb bitch ?"

"Stop sounding so fucking sad."

"I'm not going anywhere unless we have a reservation."

"Keep your shirt on. Maybe lose the suspenders."

"Just fucking call them. Give me the phone. I'll do it."

"Such a boring, spineless lightweight."

"Now, where do we have reservations at ?"

"What are you so fucking zany about ?"

"I'm just a happy camper!"

"I need a scotch."

"All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused, and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed."

"My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape."

"My punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself."

"This confession has meant... nothing."

[incarnateirony]

I'm sorry, when I said "the crazy stuff" I didn't mean your experiences, that's something personal and meaningful to you, I meant the crazy rules some religions have like "kill the gays", wich I know is not something you or your belief system stands for, so I wanted to shown a clear difference between people who approach religion like you and a crazy person.There's good beliefs and religious people,I respect those.And thanks for sharing how you feel,I'll reflect about that and how I communicate.

Same anon again, I think the definition of agnosthic you rebloged may fit me better than atheist. I don't believe humanity was created or that there's spiritual beings watching us and messing with our fate, but I wouldn't live in denial if I encountered it. I'm also not opossed to the idea of some Lovecraftian alien that can mess with the universe in ways we don't know is possible yet. We don't even know what's in the bottom of the ocean, so who knows what's out there. I'll reflect on that too.

When someone who identifies as atheist talks to me, generally over enough time they more come to determine they’re more likely agnostic than full on atheist. Which is fine and great.

Organized religion is a mess. People in large groups are dicks. People will always try to find ways to control groups of people, religion just tends to be the most frequent vessel of that, or at least one of them. Money. Fear. It’s all the same thing: cages and controls.

It’s fair to not know/understand/believe, and I’m glad you have this take here. 

Whether you believe these to be the ramblings of a madwoman or someone who has encountered an age old spirit, hopefully you can at least respect the sentiment involved (if it helps, read this as belphegor presenting it, as when you click the entire article link you’ll find a VERY familiar quote totally totes-mcgoats by fluke. Nega belphegor. Actually not evil belphegor but a total mood belphegor)

Hermes: So… the most basic advice is “don’t be a dick.” Largely, you guys seem to be having trouble mastering that level of things. People do enjoy their dickery. And I dunno what it is, really, that inspires it. I know some solid people, otherwise super nice. The Pagan community makes them dickish. I feel like (and I fully admit that this isn’t actually the case) that these guys are trying to stick it to me personally, by creating drama. It’s not me. I know it isn’t. No one wakes up in the morning and says, “You know who I wanna stick it to? Hermes!” But by Styx, it’s me, every goddamn time, who has to bear the brunt.

Thenea: You mean in the Hellenic community?

Hermes: No, sweetie, everywhere. I’m like the Mafia’s cleanup man. Even Jesus has me on speed dial. Can you imagine that?

“Khaire?” “Shalom, it is me, Yehoshua. I have a favor to ask.” “JC? How did you get this number?” “I am asking a friend for your number. I have the problem with two churches fighting.” “Ok, maybe just this once, but can you do something about that commandment not to worship me?” “Just as soon as I do the gays. You know how it is. Mortals first.”

as it happens, he is still doing the gays. Liberating them, I mean.

Thenea: So, what you are saying, really, is that most people are dicks.

Hermes: Most religious people, anyway. Which, if you consider who I generally interact with, might as well be everybody. But the Pagans, in particular, are my responsibility. Especially the Greeks, also a bunch of Wiccans. But also just about anyone that a deity calls me to deal with. At the end of the day, basically everyone.

Thenea: So, how can we stop being dicks?

Hermes: Good question. It’s really just a matter of two things:

– Knowing that you are the only person you will ever be able to control, and controlling yourself. – Thinking before you say or do stuff.

I hate those posters that turn “Think” into an acronym.

90% of shit-headed comments made in the History of Ever have been made because someone thought they were true, and reasoned that this was reason enough to open their big, stupid mouth. Instead, ask yourself, “Will this lead to a good outcome?” Or, even better? “Am I the person who should be saying this? Could someone say this in a nicer way than I would?” Or even better still,  “If I say this, will I be unable to go to a community event to which others have invited this person?

”If I had a ring of infinite wishing, I’d use it to cause enemies to always be invited to the same party. Then, they could duke it out with laser beam eyes. Laser beam eyes, again, because ring of infinite wishes. 🙂 I think people would suddenly and very mysteriously start working out their bullshit in better ways.

Thenea: Yeah, I have to say that running into an enemy at a party is something I definitely want to avoid.

Hermes: Unrelatedly, can I request that people start using my name an an expletive? I think that “HERMS” or “Balls” would be a better swear word than the name of some Jewish kid. Alternately, if you are looking for the long form, you could say, “Hermeneutes!” That sounds like a pretty solid cuss word to me.

Thenea: Yeah, I’ve heard people make that point before. It’s interesting that you can’t actually go anywhere in the Pagan community without hearing about the Judeo-Christian deity, even if only in expletive form.

“I dunno why people gotta talk about YHVH at all. The deity isn’t oppressing you. People are.

“Truth is, if history had turned out just a little differently, the same people jamming Jesus down your throat would be trying to force you to gargle Zeus. Socrates died because polytheists can be the same kind of closed minded assholes as monotheists. If you think your religion is better or more true than someone else’s, you are just another part of the machine. If I gave you the reigns right now, you’d be oppressing people.

“Hate oppression? Then love tolerance. Or better yet, acceptance.”

--Interview with Hermes; Sex, Deific Politics, and Death

[hearteyes-for-killmonger]

House Rules

Part 9

So Flu realized quick that he wasn't getting into her room and immediately started his back up plan setting up his cameras. He's practiced that's why he was so quick.. Erik, like all y'all wants blood. Y/N is still at Erik's house and that's where we are. Also, I'm trying something new. Tagging in the replies so bare with me. Didn't work out.

Warnings: Graphic violence ahead.

Part 10: Killmonger

Swift tagged along with Rell and Erik and they rolled pass Flu's identified apartment. According to the activity lifted from his phone's GPS signal, he was on the move and fast which meant he'd gotten Erik's clear threat. They followed his trail to the bank where they found him waiting behind a red truck in a grey Mitsubishi RVR at the ATM's drive thru.

"He's trying to run," Rell mumbled, eyes fixed on Flu in his vehicle. Neither of them were letting that happen.

"What a dumbass. He doesn't know we can track this. Nigga.. we see you," Swift scoffed parking the car. Any use of his credit card or phone they'd automatically see. Any call he made, they'd hear. Erik had Flu's bank account numbers, social security number, address, emails, messages.. and he planned to wire all the nigga's money to an account for the three of them to split evenly. After all, he wouldn't be needing it anymore. Just then, the red truck left and it was Flu's turn at the ATM.

"I'm going," Erik said sliding his gun into the band of his shorts. Cautious not to be spotted in Flu's rearview mirrors he crept casually but quickly to the SUV. Flu's window was down and the doors were unlocked as he leaned from the car to get closer to the kiosk. To Erik's joy, this allowed him to open the door quickly and slide into the passenger seat, aiming his gun smoothly at Flu's side. His face immediately snapped to the right, eyes widening in fearful recognition.

"Drive away," Erik commanded in a voice that was low but firm. Flu's hesitation made Erik press the cold metal barrel into his side ready to blow his kidney, sure that on camera it'd look like they were sitting there casually. Erik laughed quietly watching Flu's fear intensify. For all this nigga knew he was absolutely crazy, but Erik knew exactly what he was doing.

"Nigga, I'll shoot yo ugly ass right here if I have to and watch you bleed out. I said, Drive. Off." The smile on Erik's face never touched his dark eyes as the car rolled forward and made a turn pass a McDonald's before hopping on the main street.

"Drive home."

Erik's face turned to stone and the nigga was damn near shaking, nervously trying to catch the eye of any driver he passed. He was about as subtle as the bulky ass coat hook he put in Y/N's bathroom and still failed to draw the necessary attention.

"Gimme the phone." Erik snatched and pocketed the device, grabbing the keys before hopping out.

"Why don't you show me how you live, Shy'Dell." Erik jutted his chin toward the building and Flu shook his head regretfully, recognizing the familiar line he'd used on Y/N.

"I'm good." He averted his eyes like he had a choice and Erik had to remind himself that he was a professional. No, he couldn't shoot this nigga in broad daylight in front of the building. That'd be sloppy and anticlimactic.

"Walk yo stupid ass in the building," Erik bit back, palming the gun in his waistband. They took the elevator which rose slowly, Erik's narrowed eyes never leaving Flu and Flu's eyes looking anywhere but at Erik. Then in the hall, Flu turned.. his hands raised in a peace offering.

"Look man.. Your girl?.. I don't even have anything on her. I ain't touch her. Nothi--"

"Nigga. Keep walking," Erik snapped, his lip twisting in disgust. He waited for Flu to turn and walk to the apartment on his own and Flu pulled out his house key, missing the keyhole on the first couple attempts due to the fact that his hands were shaking. His eyes darted to the staircase, but Erik silently dared him to attempt outrunning a bullet. With a finger on his trigger, Erik followed him inside ready for anything to pop off. There wasn't much there in terms of furniture.

"Sit," Erik waved his gun to one of the few folding chairs that sat in the nearly empty living room. The only other objects in the room were a tv and an air mattress, dicey as hell. "Where's your second location? This ain't it."

"My what? I don--"

"If you like your brain inside your skull you'll speak the fuck up." Flu looked to be genuinely clueless and Erik was amazed. If he didn't already know this nigga was a bold liar, he may have believed him.

"Keep this up, your mama finna get a copy of every video you ever made."

"This all I have man I swear on my mama I don't have anything else!"

Erik sneered. Disrespectful ass nigga. Suddenly, his phone rang.

"We're over at the second apartment, I'm going through his shit now." Swift was in.

"The fuck?! Oh hell nah this nigga crazy as hell." Rell wasn't squeamish so it had to be some bullshit.

"This sick bastard, so many hours of him and women, I wouldn't be surprised if.. He is. He's been selling the footage online. Kill, this shit it graphic."

"Kill his pages and delete the footage. Anything you can trace, destroy it." Flu's expression sobered and Erik knew it was in that moment Flu realized he fucked up.

"Got it. And Kill.. Wait for us. Don't start until we get there, you get messy when it's personal. Thirty minutes."

Click.

"...That wasn't my place, I swear. This is the only pl--" SHMACK! The gun whipped across Flu's cheekbone, snapping it to the right and Erik rolled his shoulders.

"I-I didn't touch that girl, I swe--" SHMACK! The gun flew across Flu's other cheek with equal strength causing him to spit blood. No one said don't fuck him up a bit. It felt good.

"You gone stand there like you ain't as bad as me? Really?! Look at you right now. If I'm a monster then it takes one to know one," Flu spat.

"Maybe," he nodded. "You gone whoop ma ass about it? Gone 'head." He squatted, putting himself in swinging distance, but the man ain't move. "Yo bitch ass specifically happened to fuck with what's mine, that's where you lost."

Flu's face twitched. He obviously ain't like feeling powerless and mocked. He took a breath as if choosing his next words carefully, blood still painting his lip. His face was swelling and it was nowhere near the pain he deserved.

"Y/N. Why her?" It was the main question on Erik's mind. In a way, he already knew the answer, but he needed to hear it from the source.

"Ugh,” Flu groaned, “Damn.. I don't know, I guess she seemed lonely. I was drawn to her."

"Fuck this shit," Erik mumbled pushing the barrel of the gun directly against Flu's temple.

"Look. Dammit. She was naive and easy to manipulate. Is that what you wanna hear? She was an easy bitch and it woulda been dumb not to take advantage of something like that."

"Something..," Erik scoffs recalling the countless killers he'd known to use a similar logic, himself included. It made him sick to compare himself to the monster before him. "Yeah, it's real easy to categorize a person as a something. Makes it easier to hurt 'em when you can forget that they're people with their own shit to deal with in life. That way you can convince yourself they don't matter.."

"So you a therapist now? Is that how this works? How many people you kill like this? What about their lives?"

“Oh, I leave most of the people I kill their dignity when it ain’t personal. You though? Nah.”

For the rest of the time, they remained in silence, Erik shushing Flu whenever he tried to speak. Erik ain’t wanna hear shit else the nigga had to say. Finally, the apartment door opened and Flu sat there trying his damndest to look harmless.

"You can cut the shit, Shy'Dell, you know you're not leaving here alive. You never were."

“Kill, we brought the tools,” Swift called carrying a suitcase. Rell rolled a white tarpe out over the beige carpet earning a strong stare from Flu before he made a run for the door. Before he could get a second step away, a blade flew plunging into his leg. His knee buckled and a second blade hit his other leg taking him down to the ground.

“I think all the lies you be telling got yo ass confused, thinkin I don’t mean the shit I be saying.” Erik examined the clean machete Swift removed from the suitcase. This vendetta went beyond guns. “Get ya ass up and sit in the fuckin chair,” he growled, but Flu kept crawling like a roach toward the door. He had to pick the nigga up and sit him in the chair like a child while Swift and Rell stood back, looking on expressionless.

“All ya shit is gone nigga. Ya tapes, ya cameras, ya money. You ain’t got shit. You AIN’T shit. You finna die in this fuckin hellhole and for what? Was it worth it?”

“..........Maybe,” Flu spoke in his boldest move yet.

“See it’s weirdass niggas like this, I don’t claim. This some caucasian shit,” Rell said from behind, Swift verbally agreeing.

“Can y’all like.. shut the fuck up? I’m tryna murk this muhfucka,” Erik shrugged, but high-key he agreed. After gagging Flu and taping his mouth for good measure, he commanded him to strip down butt naked.

“No wonder you gets no play,” Swift deadpanned staring at the minidick Flu was packing. It was anticlimactic, Erik wanted to make a show of cutting the nigga dick off but wasn’t much there to begin with.

“Now I know how disappointed y’all be feelin,” Erik cracked causing Swift to lose it in a snickering fit. “..But then some of y’all still fuck anyway.. so I’m a chop this muhfucka regardless.” Swift, still snickering, shook her head content to watch as the machete flew. Erik made sure the balls came off too and he was glad for the tarpe.. it was messy and Swift turned on the TV to drown out the muffled agonized screams, a slight smirk on her face. She was just as sadistic as he was when it came to sexual predators and sexual violence. To her, it was one of the worst possible crimes.. something he suspected she’d experienced personally though he’d never ask out of respect for her.

The fingers were next, cutting them off of one hand all at once then the other. By the first cut, Flu’s eyes were glued shut, thick tears streaming down his face. Erik was shocked he was still conscious. He had to laugh, the nigga did say it was worth it. Meanwhile Rell waited to collect the parts as the second set of fingers were hacked off at the top knuckle.

“That’s for touching shit that ain’t yours to touch. Something you’ll never do again,” Erik sighed.

“Beat Bobby Flay, I love this show,” Swift perked from behind catching Erik off guard, but he recovered quickly, returning his attention to Flu.

“Still worth it?” Erik eyed Flu’s greying face as the blood drained from it. He was losing a lot of blood quickly. Erik had to hurry it along. This time Flu shook his head ‘no’ and Erik poked out his bottom lip. The nigga did learn something, albeit it was too late. The legs were next. Erik cut them off cleanly at the joints, cutting them smaller at the knees, not caring if the nigga died at this point. Then the arms at the shoulder and elbow. Finally, his head. When he was satisfied with his work, he pulled the change of clothes packed for him via Swift and gave her a kiss on the cheek watching her smile spread before changing. He knew she had a slight thing for him, but she’d never speak on it and he was thankful for that, though he wouldn’t tell her.

“You check for cameras and shit,” he told her before turning to Rell who’d already started cleaning. He was fast as hell. “You need me to cut this shit up smaller?”

“Nah, smaller pieces are harder to move, that’s why I be glad when you use the guns. It’s noisier, but there’s less mess to clean.”

“My bad bruh.”

---

Erik's home is beautiful, but it can also get very dark and that's a little creepy when you're all alone. Once it gets dark out, you have to find and turn on all of the house lights. The next thing is to search and rescue your sex toys. You don't really want to snoop through the man's house because it's rude and bad form, besides he'll probably give you the full tour when he returns. However, the temptation is great considering he has something that belongs to you. You search his drawers, his closet, under his bed, and find nothing but the knowledge that he's extremely organized. The next empty bedroom yields no results either. Then there's a room that's locked and you check around but can't find the key. Knowing how extra Erik is, he probably stored your toys in there. Speak of the devil, your phone rings and it's him.

"I'm on the way, you need something from anywhere?" Yeah, you and this room key.

"Nope, just come on back," you gesture though he can't see you.

"Aight. You okay?"

For some reason that question hit hard. The genuine consideration and care in his voice, it melts something in you, making your chest heat.

"Yeah.. I'm okay.. Are you okay?"

"Me? I'm fine, angelcakes."

There it goes again, that heat radiating through your body, forming a line of hot energy connecting your thumping heart to your jumping vagina.

"You need me to stay on the line," he asks when you don't hang up and you want to say yes, but you also don't want to worry him to make him think you're afraid. You're anxious, sure, but not really afraid.

"Um, nah I'll see you when you get back," you say before hanging up. It's strange how it feels like you're waiting for him as if he's your black and white TV husband, the Ricky to your Lucy. You return to your room and change from the towel into blue jersey shorts and a grey t-shirt, something to sleep in, before heading back down the stairs to explore a bit more. Amazingly, you stumble upon an outdoor pool that's on the back deck. If you'd known this was here, you'd have certainly been chilling out here all day. But maybe you'll have tomorrow to take a dip after work.. That is, if you don't have to go back home tomorrow.

It's only about fifteen minutes later when Erik pulls up and you're curled on the couch, doing some online reading. The key in the door steals your attention and you're anticipating his return a little too eagerly. Calm down weirdo, you tell yourself before the door swings open. He's changed his clothes. Does that mean he went to another pussy appointment before he came back? Not that it's unlike him, but that's still pretty damn cold if he did that today when he was supposed to be checking your apartment. He follows your eyes down to his clothes and immediately rolls his eyes.

"I always carry spare clothes just in case I make a mess and I made a mess today... not from fuckin. Damn, you think I'm that bad?"

"I mean, I didn't say anything to you, but I hoped you weren't."

"You thought it.. and I'm not. I wouldn't do that shit, not when your safety is on the line. You need a better perception of me."

"Maybe.. So how was it, is it safe to go back?"

"Nah, I called some professionals to check it out and they found a bunch of cameras and shit," he says dropping his keys on the table and taking a seat next to you on the couch where he stretches out. "They're gonna take a while to fully remove, you know how it go. You might have to stay here a bit longer until they're all located and gone. Few days maybe.. Hope that's okay."

"Cameras? Wow, I mean... As long as they're removed. How much did they ask for?"

"Don't worry about that, it's on me. Part of my duty in taking care of you."

Taking care of me. Yeah that's exactly what he's been doing isn't it. It's so strange how this arrangement just happened to come about, like destiny if you believe in such a thing.

"..I really do hate that guy, Flu. I don't get how someone could be that sick and evil," you shake your head sitting down your phone and Erik adjusts, pulling your shoulders so your head falls against his chest, his palm cradling your head. Your eyes close and instantly you're calm enough to drift off into a deep sleep.

"Don't worry about him. He's a dumbass and random selection will take care of him. You just rest now."

@muse-of-mbaku @imaginewhoever @vanitykocaine @panthergoddessbast @thadelightfulone @misspooh @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @marvelpotterlove @youreadthatright @forbeautyandlife @theunsweetenedtruth @bidibidibombaclaat @myboyfriendgiriboy @dameshaemonique @blackpantherimagines @eriknutinthispoosy @mandapandas-blog @vikkidc @hidden-treasures21 @romanceoftheeveryday @mysidefanting @allhailnjadaka @hold-me-like-a-heart-beat @syndrlla97 @winteroflife @thotyana-in-this-hoe @eemahnee @texasbama @gingerylimonte @princessstevens @sweetsexysavagery @magic-madness-heavensin @localtrapgod @taint3dvirgin @wawakanda-btch @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @wakanda-inspired @blackgirloneshots @thegucciwaffle @sicksadgen @shesfromwakanda @thiccdaddy-mbaku @violet-ines @ange-sensuel @drsunshine97 @purplehairgawdess @littlesunflwrr @indigoxsummers @cccccx1 @niggarachi15

[yourlgbtfriends]

I'm really confused, I often imagine myself as a man in my head, I feel that even though my personality is feminine and soft it's more male than female, I can't wear girly clothes because it causes such horrible discomfort, I try to like straight guys but I feel nothing with them but when a gay man hugs me I blush so much, I cry sometimes because I know no matter what I do I'll never be an actual man. I feel so confused and ashamed, I don't know if I'm trans or not. (Maybe male 1)

People tell me I'm a straight woman who just likes gay men and I feel so disgusting and predatory. The only people who believe I'm actually trans are my counselors but they only see me in counseling, so maybe they're all wrong. I know I've always tried to find some place to fit in because I still haven't found anywhere or any narrative that fits me. Maybe being a trans man just gives me a narrative to follow? I'm so lost what should I do? Am I really a guy? Or is it all fake? (Maybe male 2)            

---------                     

I’ll be honest, Nonnie, I’m afraid I am a tad confused... about the gay man vs straight man thing. I want to reassure and comfort you. your identity is your own and no one can tell you otherwise.

but I don’t see how one can differentiate straight and gay men. (there is also bi/pan/ace/etc men). It does bother me a little to be honest, but just because of the fact that the only difference is sexual orientation. I suppose I can understand a little since you identify as a man and there is comfort within other lbgt+.

I’m sorry that you are having such a hard time but I don’t really have an answer for you. I haven’t encountered this before.

Mods? Followers? Any ideas or tips for Nonnie?

[kayvsworld]

Hold up. I'll admit that I didn't read the entire convo, so forgive me if I'm overstepping. Did someone say you couldn't use the word in spite of it being how you identify, because in their area -- which is different from yours -- the word still has ppl who use it negatively? 😲 I'm black, been hurt all forms of "N", but i know that some other black ppl use it freely/as term of kinship/endearment, and don't go to their paged/blogs telling them not to use it. 😔

It's Hold Up anon again. I feel bad that ppl have made you feel bad about something that we're all allowed. We're all supposed to be allowed to identify however we identify. All of our experiences are different, and I can't tell someone within our community how they should or shouldn't use words that were/are part of our community's history positively or negatively. (I'm bi, if that matters. I could fit in that tidbit without losing my rant flow lol)

that’s essentially what happened, yeah. or, well, no, the original issue was that i discussed wanting better representation in certain films and that lead to talking about how it would be cool if my fave character was The Q Word. I later referred to the community as the *q word* community, which is a very common thing to call it where i am in my experience (in academic circles, and by members of the community and official lgbtqia+ resources and here i’ve seen a version where the full expanded acronym is LGBTQQIP2SAA with two Qs, for the Q word and Questioning), but which caused a lot of people to decide that i am a violent homophobe. and then that turned into “you can actually never use this word ever in any context because there are other people who have had bad experiences with it” and it kind of spiralled into a big mess.

While i definitely don’t think the Q word is anywhere near as bad as the N word (i feel like the f-slur would be closer to that where i am, but still not....as bad), i for sure think that black people probably have a different relationship with reclaiming terms than other members of the lgbtqia+ community? i mentioned it before, but the term “people of colour” kinda stems from the concept of certain people being “coloured/of colour” vs those who are not, and so some people aren’t okay with it and don’t like it as a term bc of where that idea came from. I know there are members of my own family who aren’t comfortable with it. some feel like it’s generalizing and erases the specific differences between each individual community, so they don’t use it! but it’s there, and it’s widely used as a way to talk about issues that affect certain communities in similar ways for similar reasons. as an umbrella term, which,,,i feel like the lgbtqia+ community needs?

some people have reclaimed the n word, and while there’s a lot of conversation abt whether that’s an okay thing to do, I also feel like that’s,,,,up to them. but I tend to use the Q word a fair amount on here and while it’s how i’ve identified for a while and how i’ve always referred to the community, if it really is this viscerally upsetting to so many people, i’m going to try to find a different word to use (not that i’ve really been able to find one so far). honestly at this point after this whole thing i’m not really comfortable using it anymore anyway! 

thank you for the asks! i hope you have a lovely week