#according to him upset kind of ghosted the team after going home and never talked to any of them until the twitlonger

[cybernaght]

Guardian rewatch: Episode 9

This episode starts with Zhao Yunlan being a bloody good boss. I’ll talk about how the opinions of others must have affected this man’s perception of himself a little later on, but in this scene it is important to note that Zhao Yunlan is supportive, caring and loyal. Wang Zheng comes to him in tears, asking for permission to leave and see the home she had just remembered, and he not only supports her verbally, but drags his entire team on the trip with her the very next day. Sure, he has are ulterior motives, as he strongly suspects one of the Hallows must be around the same area, but I maintain that Zhao Yunlan would have insisted on going with Wang Zheng regardless.

There are complications to this trip; namely, Wang Zheng is a ghost energy being and can neither be in sunlight, nor leave the SID really. Thus, the plan to take her on the trip includes buying a doll. The implication is that Wang Zheng can be somehow placed inside it, and thus be able to move, but the details of how this is done are actually curiously hazy. I’m not sure if censorship is the reason for muddled writing, but there really is very little explanation for the ghost in a doll situation.

Guo Changcheng is tasked with securing a makeshift body for Wang Zheng, and the boy, eager to act fast, and without much to work with in terms of instructions, ends up buying this.

We can only thank the Universe for the role of Wang Zheng not being played by a blow-up doll for three episodes straight.

Zhao Yunlan instantly realises that being places inside this thing might be a little bit upsetting for his subordinate, and lashes out at Guo Changcheng with an excellent “Is the thing above your neck a urinal?” This snaps Zhu Hong out of her mirth, too; she rushes to her friend’s side to offer emotional support, and will remain there for the entire episode.

I love this blocking, in which Zhu Hong is the only one who feels comfortable approaching Wang Zheng in a situation where she is seemingly being mocked by her male colleagues, as Zhao Yunlan and Guo Changcheng look on, unable to offer a meaningful apology.

The evening prior to this Shen Wei is musing over ancient map of the region. His costume is arranged deliberately so you can see the Pendant of Pining hanging around his neck.

I am really wondering when this was shot, because it looks very out of place. The costume differs from Shen Wei’s usual attire, including chinos and an uncharacteristically ill fitting shirt. His hair looks so wrong I am wondering if this is styling, or a different haircut entirely. And, since we’re on this train of thought, his eye colour is so off I genuinely spent quite a bit of time examining the shots in order to figure out whether he’s wearing contacts. I don’t think he is, by the way, but the colour grading makes his warm syrupy-brown irises look almost olive green.

During the scene it is revealed Shen Wei’s only worry in regards to leaving the city and rushing into what could be trouble is a possibility of Zhao Yunlan encountering danger in his absence. It is easy to see that Shen Wei here firmly associates his own worth with his work as Hei Pao Shi, and his own needs with Yunlan being safe and sound. You could trace this thought process back to the mountainside conversation ten thousand years ago, and to years of loneliness and isolation that followed. While, frankly, equating self-worth with comfort of other it’s not necessarily so unusual, and neither is equating it with one’s work, Shen Wei’s disregard for his own life is still horribly upsetting.

The morning after, Zhao Yunlan with his team and Shen Wei with his students move out of Dragon City. Destination - North-west. I have to ask though, why is Shen Wei taking his students with him? I get that it’s a cover but also: he can totally just teleport where he needs to and do his stuff as Envoy, can he not? It’s fast, efficient, and can all be done during the night without arousing any suspicious.

As it happens, Shen Wei goes by car, which breaks, and causes him to instantly cross paths with Zhao Yunlan. What I like about this meeting is that we see it from an outsider perspective, as we drive into the scene with Lin Jing, Chu Shuzhi and Guo Changcheng.

“Is that Professor Shen? This must be their destiny. They keep meeting each other wherever they go.”

Zhao Yunlan confesses that he feels like Shen Wei bugged him and pops up everywhere he goes; Shen Wei counters by saying that in this case Zhao Yunlan who followed him. Zhao Yunlan can just laugh awkwardly. It’s kind of adorable how the two men just basically admit that they’re stalking each other, and are both kind of okay with that. Shen Wei then introduces the other man to his students as his good friend.

Zhao Yunlan, having already figured out that he is not likely to get any answers from Shem Wei, goes on a charm offensive with his students. I think this is the first time Shen Wei sees Zhao Yunlan using his jovial manipulation on others, and he is not particularly happy about what he is witnessing. Below are the series of facial expressions he wears every time it happens throughout the episode.

The way I read it, this could equally be jealousy, or the daunting - and incorrect - realisation that Zhao Yunlan is being like this with everything that moves. He could be even beating himself up for falling for this man’s charm now that he sees that Zhao Yunlan using the same wide smile as a tool to placate, gain trust and access information. In his mind, this is a further confirmation that he is not in any way special in Zhao Yunlan’s eyes. Again, Shen Wei’s supposition cannot be further from the truth. But you could imagine how he may have come to make to this conclusion.

In this particular case, Zhao Yunlan uses his charm to get some information out of Jiajia, and ends up hearing the direction of their expedition.

Shen Wei nervously adjusts glasses in the shot which is not even his close-up. It’s lovely, seeing how good of an actor Zhu Yilong is. Good actors don’t need to be directed to to most of the little things their characters would do, and don’t have to be told what their character quirks are.

Shen Wei very politely shuts Jiajia up when she starts talking about the earthquake, asking her to get out of the sun, despite this not being a hot day.

“Chief Zhao, you are really good at making people talk.”

As he is making this observation, he is offering Zhao Yunlan his water, because the man mentioned that he may be thirsty, and hydration is important. Should I once again be obsessing over how their fingers are touching here? Perhaps not. I am, once more, doing it anyway.

During the conversation that ensues here, Shen Wei reminds Zhao Yunlan that he was asked not to leave the city, and makes one more attempt at forcing them to part ways after the car fixing is done. Chief Zhao is having none of it. He reminds Shen Wei that no promises were given, and suggests they work together and protect each other instead. It’s interesting how their end goal is similar: they want to keep each other out of harm’s way. But for Zhao Yunlan, who works with a team, this implies sticking together. For Shen Wei, who has been alone for what could have been centuries (we are never given a timeline for when his magical coma ended), this implies being as far away from each other as possible. Many things about their relationship will change - but this one will never do.

Zhao Yunlan proceeds to charm his way into driving Shen Wei’s car. He is after all very good with people, and he’s not afraid to use this skill to keep himself near the Professor.

Next, we have intercut scenes depicting conversations in two separate cars.

Lin Jing is driving Zhu Hong, Guo Changcheng and Wang Zheng in the jeep. There, Guo Changcheng tries his darnedest to offer exceedingly moody Wang Zheng apologies and consolation, but his weak attempts to very little to lighten the young woman’s dark disposition. In the meanwhile, Zhu Hong is seething with resentment and jealousy. She notes discontentedly that Zhao Yunlan once again chose to go and spend time with Shen Wei, hypothesises on why Shen Wei is unmarried, and then goes into a long-winded rant about Zhao Yunlan being an uncaring person. Lin Jing reluctantly participates in this conversation, but he does not look very much like he cares for it.

I have mentioned in my previous recap that those around Zhao Yunlan comment on his crassness, and now I am wondering how much this creates a vicious circle for the man in question. He may have heard - from his father, from his previous romantic partners, from his colleagues - that he is a failure, a boorish, unloving and superficial man who only does things to chase clout and carnal pleasures. It is difficult to not internalise that, and Zhao Yunlan may have just grown to see this as an unshakeable truth about himself.

As for Zhu Hong’s part in this, it is easy to call someone not responding to your advances an uncaring jerk. It does not, however, necessarily make them one.

Curiously enough, the only person speaking up in defence of Zhao Yunlan here is Guo Changcheng. He notes that he considers Chief Zhao to be a nice person; despite only being with SID for a month, he is able to see good intensions behind the bristles. No doubt, this is another case of Xiao Guo being incredibly empathic.

In the other car, Zhao Yunlan is driving Shen Wei and his students. Here, we see the chief continue to crack jokes and use his bountiful charisma to find out more about their expedition. Presumably, this has been going for a while, and Shen Wei’s patience finally runs thin when Zhao Yunlan states that their research must be very important. “Thank you for the compliment”, states Shen Wei flatly, according to subtitles.

According to my dictionary however, what he actually says is, roughly, “Chef Zhao overpraised [us]” (“赵处长过奖了”), which even with my very basic comprehension of Mandarin, I can see as overly formal and clearly dismissive.

Zhao Yunlan seems to be taken aback, and a few seconds pass before he composes his features into one of the chuckles he uses as a mask: it is loud and wide, but does not quite reach his eyes, sliding off his face almost instantly. In the passenger seat, Shen Wei is slowly and deliberately readjusting his own mask.

We cut to Zhu Jiu trying to secure assistance of a whole bunch of Youchu he drags out of the cave. It goes even worse than his other plans do, with the beasts grumbling and effectively refusing to do any work whatsoever.

Zhu Jiu’s ineffectiveness is actually pretty sweet on rewatch, and I am starting to kind of appreciate Wan Naichao in this role. It’s not that I find his performance particularly good, but between the costume, the wig and the script, he does not have an awful lot to work with, and he nonetheless appears to have so much fun hamming it up to his heart’s content. He is not intimidating by any stretch of imagination, but he is surprisingly, albeit ironically, watchable. And, honestly, I would rather watch an actor being hammy and enjoying it than visibly longing for death on set.

After passing a checkpoint through a combination of Zhao Yunlan’s connections and ever-present charm, the now joint SID/DCU expedition shuffles around in cars once again. Despite their destination being allegedly twenty kilometres (or about 12.5 miles) out of town, it takes them a whole day to reach it. Who knows, maybe the Seastar’s measuring units are different.

This time, it is Lin Jing driving, with Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan having relocated to the back. We see that Zhao Yunlan has got a cold again - which could theoretically be from being so close to the hallows. He sneezes, and Shen Wei microexpressively overreacts.

Then, Zhao Yunlan unceremoniously arranges a pillow on Shen Wei’s shoulder and settles in for a nap. Does he remember napping on Shen Wei’s shoulder a few nights prior to that? Because he might do, considering how comfortable he feels with this casual close contact.

After a momentary panic, and a comment about flu meds, Shen Wei not only lets Zhao Yunlan do it, but also rearranges his pillow several times to make it more comfortable for the other man. I have no hot takes on this apart from just... those two. I love those two. How are they so adorable.

The car enters CGI fog, and promptly get stuck. To make matters worse, Lin Jing says he does not have a phone signal and asks Shen Wei to check his phone. “He does not have a mobile phone”, deadpans Zhao Yunlan before Shen Wei even opens his mouth.

Finally, Zhao Yunlan’s head vacates Shen Wei’s shoulder, and the professor leaves the car to scout the area. Jiajia tries to follow, but Zhao Yunlan dissuades her and goes after Shen Wei himself, catching up just as the other man is starting to scry the surroundings with his powers.

Zhao Yunlan enters the scene quoting poetry to highlight the beauty of their current location.

Shen Wei instantly tries to send him back: partly to continue using his dark energy, and partly, perhaps, out of genuine worry. In response Zhao Yunlan notes that Shen Wei is the only one who can order him around. This is not all done in cheek: it’s actually kind of true. Even before finding out that Shen Wei is powerful and ancient, and imposing, Zhao Yunlan is readily listening to him, and following his lead.

As a precursor to returning to the car, Zhao Yunlan takes his jacket off and drapes it over Shen Wei’s shoulders, despite the other man’s loud protestations. Again, Yunlan has got a cold, and he is visibly filling the chill air later in the scene. He has no way of knowing that this jacket will become a catalyst for his suspicions about Shen Wei’s alter ego, so there can’t be any other reason for him forcing his jacket onto the other man apart from a desire to make sure he is warm and comfortable.

Shen Wei stares at Zhao Yunlan in absolute wonder.

It is easy to believe that the idea of someone wanting to look after him is foreign no Shen Wei: we know from the text of the show that before Kunlun no one has shown him any consideration, and seeing Shen Wei now, it is not difficult to imagine, heartbreaking as it is, that no one has done it since.

Jiajia’s scream cuts through the air, interrupting the scene. As the two men take off in the direction of the sound, Shen Wei grabs Zhao Yunlan by the elbow as they run out of the shot.

When they rejoin Jiajia and Lin Jing, she girl stammers a few words about ghostly presence that she witnessed, and Lin Jing confirms her words, sharing his knowledge about ghosts seen in this area. Zhao Yunlan reprimands him for speeding feudalistic and superstitious concepts. Just remember that their HR manager literally is a semi-corporeal dead woman. This line is such a blatant and somewhat tongue-in-cheek appeasal of the censorship, that it sounds delightfully silly.

The group finally reach the remote village they were heading to. As everyone files out of the cars, they notice a strange looking crow nearby - clearly Ya Qing is checking in on them. Lin Jing proceeds to tease Xiao Guo, saying the young man in unlucky. Chu Shuzhi is looking disapprovingly at this comment, but it’s actually Zhu Hong who shuts it down. She does use this excuse to make an impolite jab at Shen Wei, noting that the misfortunes are someone else’s fault, while looking at her romantic rival from the corner of her eye.

Shen Wei graces the screen with another one of his “why does the snake woman hate me?” faces. 

It’s quite amusing that as the group starts walking towards the guesthouse, Zhao Yunlan sends his people off while he himself deliberately lingers in place, so he can walk with Shen Wei, sneaking a hand across the professor’s back. 

Just as the company enters the premises of the guesthouse, they find a human skull. Of course they do. But the reason I am including this here is to point out that Shen Wei’s reaction is to cover Jiajia’s eyes. Zhu Yilong does not do it in all of the takes used in the scene, which indicates to me that this is an in the moment acting choice. 

Shen Wei then leads his students away to give the SID a chance to investigate. While Lin Jing and Zhao Yunlan do just that, Wang Zheng sinks to her knees and starts praying to comfort spirits of her ancestors. Hilariously, this goes unnoticed for a while.

After completing some preliminary checks on the skull, Zhao Yunlan suggests they park the investigation for the night, citing that he does not want students and their teacher to get ill as the reason for doing so. Da Qing notes that this is more considerations than he shows his subordinates. I don’t think he means it, but it’s a lovely little jab at Zhao Yunlan’s unmistakable crush.

Inside the house, everyone settles in to hear Wang Zheng’s tale of the Hanga tribe. What follows is an massive exposition dump. She sets up as “some things she heard from rumours”, but considering how forlorn she is throughout this tale - and that she was praying earlier - it is pretty obvious that she is of the Hanga tribe herself.

Again, I love the blocking here. Zhu Hong is keeping her shoulder in front of Wang Zheng, protecting her from the strangers (and Shen Wei) that they are sharing the table with. Zhao Yunlan and Da Qing are watching from afar, and Chu Shizhu is perching above them on the stairs. The composition is easy on the eye, and implies that the SID men are ready to protect those at the table from all directions.

Soon, they are interrupted by a villager pretending to be a ghost, and a reluctant village head explains that the outsides may not be welcomed because there has been a murder here in the recent days. Zhao Yunlan and Zhu Hong leave to investigate the crime scene. As they do so, Zhao Yunlan catches the woman gazing upon him in adoration, and freezes uncomfortably, for a second before laughing it off.

He should really force himself to have an uncomfortable conversation with her, but he won’t do it until pushed.

In the meanwhile, Zhu Jiu is having more luck riling the actual ghosts up than he did with the Youchu. After some hesitation - and some baseless threats from our unfortunate villain - the Hanga tribesmen launch an attack against the guesthouse.

Just to note: their masks don’t look anything like the masks Wang Zheng drew. Considering that the guesthouse parts of the episode was likely to have been shot together, I don’t see any explanation for this as it pertains to production.

Chu Shuzhi and Xiao Guo leap into action to fight the ghosts - and the young man actually successfully fends one of them off. They are soon joined by Lin Jing, who leaves Shen Wei in charge of looking after the students and Wang Zheng inside the house. The ghost woman energy being asks to be let outside because she guesses correctly that the ghostly warriors are here for her, but Shen Wei refuses to let her go. The reason he states for denying her is that “Zhao Yunlan would never agree to it.” He knows that the other man would never put his crew in danger - and adopts the same attitude.

Shortly after, Zhu Hong and Zhao Yunlan arrive on the scene.

Here we see for the first time Zhao Yunlan’s painful flashback to his mother’s death, followed by him freezing with the gun in his hand. Zhu Hong does save the way by snatching the weapon away from him and firing it, but she also goes on full offensive afterwards, berating the man. Hers is not a kind response at all, and this type of a reaction is likely to be the reason Zhao Yunlan has not felt comfortable talking about his tragic past, perhaps even seeing it as something to be ashamed of.

After the ghosts disappear, Zhao Yunlan stays outside with his team, and uses the Dial in attempt to locate the other ancient item which he knows is somewhere close.

Shen Wei, on the other hand, tells Wang Zheng about the totem hidden in a cave, and asks her for any information on the matter.

His interrogation does not get him anywhere, but he does get suspicious enough to refrain him from drinking the drugged water she offers everyone present in the very next scene.

It is clear from this shot that after toasting with warm water, everyone goes to down their cups - apart from Wang Zheng and Shen Wei, who lock eyes over their cups for the second.

Having escaped her protectors in the night, Wang Zheng heard towards the cave in which Sang Zan’s spirit is kept, Zhu Jiu hot on her heals, and we witness the first of many flashbacks to her life and death.

Next up, Episode 10: Death By a Thousand Flashbacks.

—

Notes.

The next post here will actually be some thoughts on the Lost Tomb Reboot which I have spent this Easter Weekend binging. And if this post is more Zhu Yilong-centric than usual, this would also be why.

[fishoutofcamelot]

Hi there! I hope you’re well. I just wanted to send a message to thank you for the elyan content 😍 he is my favourite knight but for some reason I never see much of him on tumblr! So it’s awesome to see him on your blog. I hope I didn’t bother you with this ask 🙈

I AM doing well, actually! And you didn’t bother me, asks will probably never bother me <3

I could go on for a million years about why no one makes content about Elyan - and sometimes forget he exists altogether - but I don’t wanna start drama so we’ll just. Not touch that topic with a 10-foot pole

BUT! Elyan IS a fantastic knight, and the fact that he is your favourite knight too is very iconic and sexy of you. Elyan fans/stans are the sexiest members of this fandom. That’s not even opinion, that’s just science

So! Here’s a list of Elyan headcanons, because he’s worth it:

Elyan is ace. Them’s the facts

He’s also gay but in that stage where he’s questioning if he might be bi. Unfortunately, he died before reaching an answer

I hate to talk about Hogwarts Houses in 2020, but he is one hell of a Hufflepuff. Elyan is his name and protecting his loved ones with life and limb is his game. It is very easy to earn his loyalty, and once you have he will ride straight through Hell for you

Elyan likes hoods. He wears hoods whenever he can (i mean c’mon, that outfit in season 3 was serving some killer looks)

He’s just a protective older brother to literally everyone in Camelot. Yes, even Gaius

Gwen, Elyan, Leon, and Merlin have family game night once every month. They all gather in their old house in the lower town to get drunk, play some dice games, and spend the whole night goofing off

Only a few people know about game night. Even fewer people have seen it with their own eyes. Arthur and Gwaine frequently try to sneak in to see game night for themselves, but somehow never succeed

Elyan loves swimming. They don’t get many chances for it, but whenever they do, Elyan is the best swimmer out of all the knights

He’s also like. Really good at sneaking up on people. Consistently rolls high on stealth checks

Out of everyone in the Round Table, Elyan is the most easily spooked. He hates it when they gather around the fire to tell ghost stories, bc he will NOT be able to sleep the rest of the night after that

Why do people think there’s no dynamic or chemistry between Elyan and Gwaine??? Those two had a SOLID friendship and I will not stand for this disrespect (also, Perelyan is good but Elyaine is godtier imo)

Elyan is bad at blacksmithing. Like really bad. No one even understands how that works, considering he spent his whole childhood training under his father. All the blacksmithing talent apparently went to Gwen somehow

He likes bugs. When he was a kid he would go out in the woods and collect beetles and stuff to stick in little terrarium jars. He’d even give them names and backstories and personalities. Sometimes he would sit under a tree and tell Gwen stories about all these adventures his bugs would go on when no one was looking

Leon HATED bugs, and got creeped out by them, which meant Elyan was legally obligated to harass him about it

Elyan doesn’t get much chance to catch bugs anymore, but he’s also the only member of the Round Table who can put up with spiders

Spider in the armory? Everyone is freaking out while Elyan just calmly picks it up and lets it outside - but not without lots of snark and eye-rolling, of course

The reason Elyan ran away from home was because his mother had died and he saw it as a personal failing. He felt that it was his fault she was dead, because he couldn’t protect her, and left Camelot because he couldn’t bear the shame of guilt

In the last few years of his time away from Camelot, Elyan fell in love and lived out an mlm cottagecore fantasy where he and his lover raised wyverns together. But when Morgause came to capture him, she killed his lover and burnt their wyvern farm to the ground

Elyan tries not to let his grief be known, though. Not just because he doesn’t want to burden Gwen with his pain, but also because his lover had magic and he could get arrested for having fallen in love with a sorcerer

Morgause had Elyan captive for a while before Gwen showed up. She even used the nathair on him in small increments; not long enough to kill him or damage him irreparably, but enough to make him suffer. It’s for this reason that Elyan was able to bounce back from being tortured by Morgana whereas Gwaine didn’t survive it, because Morgause had already microdosed him with that kind of pain two years ealier

Still traumatizing, though. Like. This boy is EXTREMELY traumatized, can someone please get him some therapy???

Moving back to Camelot with Gwen was simultaneously healing and harming. Healing, because  he visited his dad’s grave, rebuilt his relationship with Gwen, and his companionship with her, Merlin, and Leon helped him move on from the pain of his loss. But harming because of all the anti-magic prejudice that surrounded him, and every time someone said magic was evil it was like another dagger in his heart. That was his dead lover they were talking about and calling a monster. Someone who was kind and compassionate and funny, who didn’t have a lick of evil in them, who would have burned at the stake by Camelot’s laws

Elyan didn’t think about what it meant to be a knight of Camelot when he agreed to be knighted. But he was just so determined to fight and kill Morgause, the woman who had killed his lover and his wyverns and abducted him from his home, that he didn’t even think about it. He just wanted Morgause dead. It wasn’t until a few days later when he realized that being a knight of Camelot meant enforcing Camelot’s anti-magic laws, and this realization naturally caused him distress

Instead of abandoning his knighthood, Elyan found a compromise. He would support Arthur in everything, until magic got involved. If Arthur ever captured druids or put sorcerers to death, Elyan decided he would smuggle them out of the city. He would never actively kill or capture those with magic, and would sometimes even try to sabotage efforts in capturing harmless magic-users

Elyan knew full well what Dragoon was doing. He knew that Gwen and Arthur’s love was true and required no enchantment, meaning Dragoon had simply framed himself to get Gwen out of a jam. He appreciates Dragoon, and even though he supposedly killed Uther, Elyan can’t even fault him for that. Elyan wanted to kill Uther too

Merlin is the little brother Elyan always wanted, and Elyan is the older brother Merlin never had. They act so much like siblings it’s not even funny, and some people question if they were actually raised together 

He and Merlin like to team up and tease Gwen. They’ll walk behind her and chant stuff like “Gwen and Arthur sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G”. They’re like children, and it’s both very funny and very annoying

Gwen gets her revenge, of course. She always gets her revenge

They also team up to be like. Super protective of Gwen. The vetting process Arthur had to go through - between Elyan, Leon, AND Merlin - in order to date Gwen was ridiculous

Arthur: Merlin I’m literally your boss. Your friend. You've been my personal manservant for like six years now

Merlin: Yeah, which means I know exactly how much of a dick you are

After being possessed by the druid ghost, Elyan is a lot more in tune with the supernatural

Am I suggesting that Elyan can now see, talk to, and interact with ghosts, and even starts a little agency where he goes around helping them complete their unfinished business? Why yes, yes I am

When Gwen was banished, Elyan wanted to go with her. But she asked him to stay behind and keep an eye on Agravaine, as she suspected him of treachery, and to stop him from taking over Camelot should Agravaine make a move. And, well, Elyan has never been able to say no to his sister

Elyan and Merlin decided to try and find a way to prove Gwen’s innocence. There’s no way she was acting of her own accord, after all. There was some kind of enchantment at play, there had to be. Merlin doesn’t tell him about Shade!Lancelot directly, but does propose it as a theory regarding how Lancelot had come back from the dead. Elyan supports the theory 100%

About two months after the wedding, Merlin and Elyan locate the enchanted bracelet, and Gwen and Lancelot’s names are finally cleared

In Avalon, Elyan, Freya, and Lancelot spend the whole time watching/narrating the events of season 5 like sports commentators. They are all mutually exasperated at Merlin’s antics

When Arthur shows up in Avalon, the only reason Elyan doesn’t punch him in the face is because he’s too busy restraining Lance from doing the same

He does, however, give him a strong talking-to about how “all your magic and you still can’t save my life” is a horrible thing to say actually

Lancelot, however, is more upset about the “I guess I was wrong” speech

Gwaine shows up in Avalon like. SUPER traumatized. He died while being tortured by a nathair, died in a way that he perceived to be failure, and he’s kinda messed up because of that. Elyan, who has already had a few years to cope with nathair torture, is the one who helps Gwaine heal from his trauma

In the 21st century, Elyan gets reincarnated along with everyone else. His childhood is plagued with weird dreams, dreams that terrify him. Snakes and pain, wyverns and fire, all of it. He meets an old man who calls himself Merlin, who helps Elyan through the pain of remembering his past life. For once, Elyan gets to be taken care of instead of the other way around. For once, he is allowed to be vulnerable and weak and struggling. He doesn’t hide his tears. He gets the help he needs and works through his trauma

And one day, many years later, he is walking down the street when he sees someone who looks oddly familiar. The face of an old lover, perhaps

Thanks for the ask! <3

[ifmywishescametrue]

numbers are hard

also on ao3

Steve has been acting strange all day, and for the life of him Tony can’t figure out why. It starts with sex when they first wake up, which isn’t all that weird. More tender than usual, slower and sweeter than most days, but nothing that makes him question anything right away. The only slightly abnormal part is that Steve skips his run entirely for it, but it’s happened before. 

Breakfast is the first real sign that something is up, when Steve breaks out all of the stops to produce french toast dusted with powdered sugar and topped with sliced strawberries. It’s quite the step up from his everyday toast and eggs, and his grin when Tony compliments his cooking is brighter than the morning sun coming in through the wall of windows. 

“You didn’t have to do all this,” Tony says, dragging a piece of french toast through a puddle of maple syrup. 

Steve leans over, and the kiss he plants on Tony’s cheek is slightly sticky. “You deserve something nice today.”

Tony chews his bite slowly, processing that. Nice today, implying that today is different than other days. He checks the date on his phone as inconspicuously as possible. 

There’s nothing significant that strikes him about May 10th. He has a couple weeks to go until his birthday, five more days until the anniversary of their first kiss. Another eight until the anniversary of their first real date. May 10th couldn’t be less special if it tried, really. 

For now Tony shrugs it off, chalks it up to just another Steve thing. Like the way he wears socks to bed, but only in December, and drinks a different flavor of tea for every day of the week. 

But then it continues throughout the morning. Steve asks him to go for a walk with him in Central Park, and he seems more affectionate than usual when they’re in public. With the Captain America mantle hanging heavy on his shoulders, Steve has typically always been more reserved around others. Their relationship has never been a secret, but Tony knows for a fact that there is exactly one paparazzi photo of them kissing in existence. There are quite a few more with hand holding, maybe the occasional shot of Steve’s arm slung around his shoulder, but never more than that. 

Today, Steve kisses him on the pedestrian bridge as they lean against the railing, then again when Tony gets ice cream on his lips from the cones they buy from a street vendor.  

“You’re in a very good mood today,” Tony observes on their walk back to the tower. 

Steve smiles, “Why shouldn’t I be? It’s a good day.”

Tony nods in agreement, though he still isn’t sure what separates today from all the rest. 

At some point it stops being strange and starts giving him anxiety. Weird turns into terror-inducing, because he has to be missing something, right? Boyfriends don’t just wake up one day and decide to be extra caring for no reason at all. 

He thinks about asking, but what if he really has missed something important? He can picture the look on Steve’s face when he realizes that Tony has forgotten something that clearly matters to him. The way his eyes will widen slightly, brows turning down and shoulders slumping. Then his face will close off again, turning perfectly neutral to hide the hurt and disappointment. He’ll say it’s not a big deal, but Tony will know he’s lying. 

So he stays quiet through the afternoon while he works in the lab on team upgrades and Steve sits on the couch and sketches. It’s easily the most normal part of the entire day, and Tony basks in the quiet comfort of just co-existing with the person he loves. 

Steve goes upstairs after a few hours, kissing Tony’s cheek and patting the bots’ metal arms as he goes. He tells Tony to be on time for dinner, and his voice is more pointed than usual, which is why Tony heads up early to be able to shower off the grease from his hands and arms. 

There’s a candle burning on the table when he walks into the dining room post-shower and a vase of flowers sitting a safe distance away from the flame. Tony freezes at the sight, but hopefully Steve doesn’t notice as he comes into the room with two plates. 

He smiles softly as he sets them down and pulls out Tony’s chair for him. Tony reaches for the glass of red wine the second he sits down. He’ll need it for the night ahead of him. 

The dish in front of him is some type of pasta in a creamy red sauce, and after the first bite he asks, “Did you make this pasta yourself?”

Steve nods, and even in the dim lighting Tony can see the way his ears have gone pink. “I had to practice a couple of times to get it right. Luckily Clint volunteered to taste test.”

Now Tony is downright desperate to know what he’s missing, but still unwilling to ask. So he hopes he can be vague enough in his conversation to get Steve to say it. 

“I don’t know how I deserve all that work, but thank you.”

Steve’s response, while sweet enough to melt Tony’s heart, doesn’t help. “You’ve done a lot for me. It’s really the least I could do for you.”

He keeps failing all throughout dinner. Every time he vaguely talks about the significance of the day, Steve answers with something that would probably make sense if Tony was on the same page as him. 

It’s in the kitchen after dinner that he finally breaks. 

“I can do these,” Tony says, gesturing to the sink full of dishes. “Seeing as you cooked and all.”

Steve wraps his arms around him from behind, breath ghosting over Tony’s neck as he ducks down to kiss him there. 

“Or,” Steve murmurs, “we could just leave them there for tomorrow.”

“What?” Tony asks. He twists around in Steve’s hold and presses his palm to Steve’s forehead. “I didn’t think it was possible for you to get sick anymore, but you’re clearly delirious.”

Steve laughs, “I’m not delirious, and I’m not sick either. I just want to make the most of our anniversary.”

Tony’s mind goes blank. That was the one thing he was sure he could eliminate from possibilities. He frowns, “It’s not our anniversary. Our anniversary is next week. May 15th.”

Steve’s face crinkles. “No, it’s today. May 10th.”

“On May 15th, you came down to my lab after that mission in New Jersey, and you yelled at me a whole bunch about being reckless - which you were wrong about, by the way - and then you kissed me and I asked you out.”

Steve looks at him like he’s grown a second head, and his arms drop from around Tony’s waist. “On May 10th, we came home from a mission, I rightfully told you that you were being reckless, I kissed you because you told me to make you shut up, and then I told you that I was in love with you. Nothing happened on May 15th.”

“No, no, I know it was May 15th because I thought it was ironic that we got together on the two year anniversary of when you called me an asshole for the first time, and I know what day that was because I marked it on your calendar as a joke, and then you called me an asshole for the second time.”

“It’s May 10th because we had our first date on May 13th. We went to that theater, because they were showing Friday the Thirteenth, and you said that I had to see it because everyone else has.”

“JARVIS, please tell Steve that he’s wrong.”

Steve scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest, “You’re about to be really upset when your own creation betrays you by telling you I’m right.”

JARVIS cuts off Tony’s snarky reply before it can finish forming. “According to my data, the event that you both have described occurred on May 7th of last year.”

Tony and Steve exchange a look, and it’s painfully silent until JARVIS speaks again, “I can provide the recording of this event if you would like.”

Tony waves his hand through the air to dismiss the suggestion. “No, that’s okay, J. We believe you.”

Steve rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, and his face turns pink. “So I guess we missed our anniversary.”

Tony dissolves into laughter, and Steve stays serious for all of three seconds before he’s joining in. He hooks his arms around Steve’s neck, getting on his tiptoes as he pulls Steve down to meet him in the middle. Steve’s hands cover his hips completely, warm on his skin even through his t-shirt. 

“Happy one year and three days?” Tony offers. 

It’s one year and two days longer than he ever thought they would make it. He expected Steve to change his mind after the first day, when Tony was such a nervous wreck that Steve had to be wondering how he ever got his reputation for a playboy in the first place. And when that didn’t happen, he expected Steve to grow tired of him. To come to the same realization that every other significant other has reached throughout the years - that he isn’t worth the effort. 

But here they are 368 days later, and Steve still wants him. He would call it a miracle if he believed in that kind of thing, but the reality is that against all odds, they just work together. There’s no one else he would rather be with, and he knows that Steve feels the same. 

Steve smiles, “Happy one year and three days.”

[earthstellar]

MTMTE HALLOWEEN 2020 FIC: Costume Party

SUMMARY: 

Rodimus sets up an Earth style Halloween costume party at Swerve’s to help boost the crew’s morale. Things get a little... weird, when they start to behave like the creatures their costumes represent. 

PAIRINGS: 

Rodimus/Megatron and Drift/Ratchet 

WARNINGS: 

It’s spooky, there is some talk regarding Drift’s traumas, and there is bloodshed/violence in a very creepy way. Please be careful and do not read if you are potentially upset by suggestive violence, blood, etc. 

IMPORTANT NOTE: 

I was unable to finish or edit this on time for Halloween; I’ll post the final version to AO3 when it’s ready, but for now, here’s what I have! Enjoy the preview! 

Rodimus was happy to let Swerve host a Human Halloween event in the bar. 

Swerve had wanted to do it for a while, but evidently had to wait for the right Earth season despite the Lost Light being absolutely nowhere near Earth. Rodimus agreed that they could use something fun and distracting to lift the spirits of the crew after a somewhat bad supply pickup had gone south and resulted in a thankfully brief dry spell as they'd had to go without their usual ship wide energon supply, resulting in the bar being shuttered for the duration until they were able to stop at Hedra Nine for a full restocking. 

Ultra Magnus had been the only one pleased at the brief closure of Swerve's bar, as it certainly cut down on his workload, but it was unfortunately Ultra Magnus that had to be convinced of the idea. Hence the emergency command meeting currently underway.

"So explain to me again the purpose of this holiday." Delivered in a flat tone, Ultra Magnus never failed to intimidate. 

As usual, Ultra Magnus loomed over the relatively small table positioned in the centre of the room, where Rodimus, Drift, and Megatron sat with some research in hand on various data pads, as well as some footage from Rewind and Swerve's collection of human media. 

Rodimus, undaunted, continued his pitch. 

"It originally started as a folk religious practice around appeasing the spirits of the dead and keeping ghosts, the spirits of deceased humans, from haunting homes and towns. Essentially. But in modern Earth context, it's all about having fun, dressing up as scary or silly characters and getting to relax a bit during a time of year that Earth people relate with darkness, bad weather, that kind of thing. It makes people happy during what were traditionally difficult times. I think we could use something interesting and fun to get the crew back into better spirits after that mess we had to deal with in the Astreus System. See? Fun can have a logical purpose: To improve crew morale. It’s… fun, Mags. People tend to enjoy it. I think it'll be fine." 

Rodimus leaned back in his chair and grinned, sure that he had made a strong case. Megatron was absorbed in a data pad featuring a collection of human myths and tales about the holiday, centred around the origins of the modern practice as it was the most relevant information, although he was interested in the older history of the celebration and where such practices may have come from. 

Megatron was surprised by the depth and complexity of the human holiday. He was still getting over some of his lingering prejudice towards organics; Reading up on their cultures and history was one way to root out what was left of his more harmful mindset. The best cure for ignorance was often simple research, after all… Orion Pax would be proud. He nearly laughed at the thought. 

But he found himself looking forward to Swerve’s little seasonal party, even if there were no seasons per se to celebrate out in open space. Rodimus had made a good point; The crew could certainly use the distraction, and Rung had advised him to try new things that had no associations with any past memories or experiences as part of something they were trying in therapy. He wasn’t exactly excited for it, but it could tolerate it. Especially with Rodimus also in attendance; Undoubtedly most of the attention would be drawn away from him, at least. 

Ultra Magnus was completely still, a telltale sign that he was considering something, running through his extensive memory storage of ship protocols and broader applicable legislation in the hopes of finding something that could possibly mitigate any poor outcomes— Rodimus had won, it would certainly help crew morale and such intentions were covered by rules regarding health and safety of passengers and crew members. Fair play.

--

The bulletin from Swerve, once approved, had been sent out to everyone on board. The event was fairly simple, a marathon of various Halloween themed human movies, followed by a costume party at the bar. Teams of three were allowed to submit group costumes for judgement by a panel led by Ultra Magnus, partially because it was the only way to get him to participate and partially because it was the only way to have a judged competition without anyone complaining of unfairness. 

The mood had immediately improved, with the Lost Light buzzing about costume design ideas and speculating on who was joining whose team and what the chances of winning might be. 

Rodimus beamed, happy for all the chatter and gossip. His crew was happy, so he was happy. And Megatron was invested as well, glad to go along with it, enjoying the literature about it. He couldn't be more excited for the event; He trusted Swerve to make it as extravagant as possible, despite the limitations of their supplies on board and what little in the way of textile fabrics they could find and pick up from smaller stop-overs at various stations operated by organics along the way prior to the day.

Rodimus had been concerned about the cost, but Drift was enamoured with the spiritual background of the holiday, and seemed all too willing to provide the spare shanix for anything they could find for the crew. 

So far, it had been going incredibly well. Rodimus was excited himself, as he couldn't wait to see everyone's final costumes, but the idea of Megatron getting a break to genuinely enjoy something with him brought warmth to his spark, making it spin even faster in its casing. 

--

 "Okay, everybody! We had a lot of interest in the costume aspect of this whole thing, but it seems only three teams actually came together to participate in the judged competition. However, most of you have turned up in costume anyway, so it all works out! The judging will go faster and you can all guzzle down some of the special drinks on the menu for tonight only. Welcome to Swerve's, and Happy Human Halloween!" 

Leave it to Swerve to kick off the night in style; The doors were thrown open and bots rushed in, claiming booths and seats at the bar, some mild squabbling already starting but quickly dialled back under the watchful eye of Ultra Magnus, who had refused to wear a costume and was fully on duty as usual from his judge's perch near a makeshift stage Perceptor and Brainstorm had thrown together from spare lab materials. 

Nobody had seen anyone's costumes prior to the night, so there was a significant amount of ooing and ahhing over the most successful looks, providing a great distraction for the costume contest participants to slip mostly unnoticed behind the stage setup, preparing for the reveal to the judging panel: Ultra Magnus, Chromedome, and Cyclonus. 

As the bar continued to fill up and the noise levels increased, Swerve put on a specially composed mix tape for the ambient music that his extensive research had stated was sure to be a success: 

Something called the "Munsters Theme" kicked off the night, and things still appeared to be moving ahead as planned, all in attendance having a good night, and the Lost Light hummed with friendly chatter. 

--

The three costume competition teams ended up being 

There was the Command Coven, consisting of Rodimus, Megatron, and Drift with witch themed costumes. Drift was more than happy to provide crystal necklaces and little wands for each of them, each designed to replicate gemstones found on Earth, with Megatron's being amethyst, Rodimus adorned in carnelian, and Drift himself wearing amazonite. 

He had chosen the colours and designs in accordance with his Spectralist beliefs, as well as something Swerve had shown him called "mood boards" from Earth social data nets, which had kept him up well past his usual recharging hours. It seemed to not have impacted him at all for how thrilled he was at the excuse to dive into human spiritual practices, although he faltered somewhat at the sight of the next team's arrival...

The Medbay had submitted a team, largely thanks to Drift constantly bothering Ratchet about it, with Ratchet himself as well as First Aid and Velocity appearing in vampire themed costumes. They had no team name because Ratchet couldn't be bothered, and was more concerned about the medbay being largely unattended during the event... Although begrudgingly, he did admit to Drift that having the central medical staff immediately on hand in the bar probably wasn't all that bad of an idea.

And the final team, the Minibot Monsters, consisted of Tailgate as a swamp monster, Rewind as a mummy, and Swerve himself, wearing the world's least convincing werewolf costume. 

Swerve was the only person with two costumes, so as not to reveal his "true" costume too early in the night; What he was wearing while manning the bar and letting people in was something inspired by Gomez from the Addams Family, although nobody else on board got the reference save for Rewind, who was suddenly upset they hadn't picked that as their group theme. Tailgate was just thrilled to have shiny scales temporarily detailed over his paint job, lending a shimmering effect to his every move. 

-

Back stage, the teams began to intermingle a bit, although mindful of not violating any of Ultra Magnus' rules about potentially spoiling the integrity of the judging process by helping other teams with costumes and so on for about fifty pages. 

Drift took in Ratchet's costume, approaching a bit too tenderly for it to be the effect of any engex he may have consumed before hand. It set off Ratchet's diagnostics coding, returning a reading of increased anxiety indicated by signs of  ever so slightly rising energon consumption levels as Drift's fuel pump started to rev at a slightly elevated rate, as well as a touch of fatigue from Drift's lack of recharge time beforehand. 

"What's wrong? Are you afraid of losing?" Ratchet teased him, but only gently, probing to see where Drift was mentally at the moment. Did dressing up have bad connotations on Rodion? Was Drift relating this to some disguise or situation from his past that was potentially upsetting? Ratchet was ready to leave at any time, stress over an unmanned medbay lingering in the back of his processor; He'd be happy to grab Drift and go if need be.

"I uh, you just did a really good job with your costumes is all. I mean I expected the cloaks and all that stuff, it looks good on you by the way! But the denta..." 

Ah. 

Ratchet shuffled a bit. "Yes, apparently Velocity found in her preparatory reading that human vampire lore emphasises pointed denta. They--" 

Drift interrupted, looking at the ground, looking anywhere but Ratchet's face. "They siphon their energon, or whatever human stuff, blood, from living people. They're siphonists. Like I used to be, way back, when I needed to get fuel, and... And they're evil." 

Immediately, Ratchet realised that of course, Drift would associate the vampire fangs with so much suffering from his own past, with cruel comments and judgements forced on him by bots who had no idea what it was like to starve or have to turn to any viable alternative to survive, including taking energon directly from the fuel lines of others. 

He raised up his hands towards Drift, testing to see if he'd be welcome for a hug. Drift looked up a bit and smiled, stepping into Ratchet's arms and accepting a brief embrace before Ratchet pulled back to look him in the eyes, hands still lingering on his upper arms. 

"Listen, Drift. If this is too much for you, we can go. I can go, you don't have to miss anything. I can take this all off and it's an easy fix; It's a minor procedure to numb and file them back down, and of course we were going to do it afterwards anyway. Velocity thought it would be more realistic if we just went ahead and altered our denta for the sake of it, but I should have thought more about how that might affect you. I--"

Drift leaned up to quickly kiss Ratchet, immediately jerking his head back with eyes wide, seemingly having not fully registered the fangs that met his until they physically pressed against one another, before giving a shakey smile. 

"No, it's okay. I just wasn't ready for it. The thought of you having to resort to... Anything like that, it makes my spark hurt. It reminds me of a lot of things I don't like about how I had to get through some hard times, you know? But I don't want you to go. I want you here. Plus... Now we match, right?" 

Leave it to Drift to try to power through something so significantly distressing to him. Ratchet appreciated the effort, but saw right through it. 

"I mean it, if this bothers you, I'm ready to get back to the medbay, undo it, and we can hit the bar again together later once things have eased up a bit, no problem. The humans might think vampires are evil, and a lot of bots might think siphonists are... Frightening, but I need you to know that they're not the same thing. People are often wrong about what they don't understand, and you only did what you had to in order to survive. And I'm glad you did it. If you hadn't, you wouldn't be here. With me, at a party that will be fun if you still want to go through with all this." 

Drift optics gradually returned to their usual brightness, his signs of anxiety slowly disappearing on Ratchet's constant scans, putting him at ease as well. 

"Thank you, Ratchet. I'll be okay once the shock wears off. I think it's a good costume choice, and you really do look good in the cloak. The black makes your white paint look brighter! And it's fun to think of all the spooky human stories... And some of our own too, I guess. Imagine, a siphonst medic! You would't have any patients, that's for sure." Drift smiled, making a point to flash his own fangs. Clearly he'd recovered from the initial shock, although Ratchet decided he might try to talk it out with him at some point when they weren’t caught up in all this. He didn't want Drift to suffer any blows to his self-esteem, or fall back into a trauma related depression, even a relatively minor one. He was glad Rung had a positive policy for booking short notice sessions, which reassured him a bit. Any problems, they could all work it out together.

"Well, I think anyone who needs a doctor badly enough is willing to go to whatever doctor happens to be around, in my experience. Siphonist or not. And are you calling my paint job dull? I'll have you know I polished my armour for this. Or First Aid did, at least. He was insistent that we represent the medical team as best as possible." 

"Seems like he's learning some things from you about professionalism, Mister No Crystals in the Medbay." 

"Hey, Ultra Magnus agreed with me. It violates... Some rule." 

"Sure it does." 

--

It was finally time for the costume contest, and 

--

"What happened? What happened? Hey! Someone else get up already!" Rodimus wasn't one to panic, but he was maybe actually slightly panicking. A little bit. 

After the Great Sword had reacted to Drift's incantation, everyone had experienced simultaneous processor reset from the energy surge, and it was taking some time for people to come around from the harsh and unexpected reboot. 

It seemed everyone in the bar had been affected by the wave, not dissimilar to an electromagnetic pulse, with bots slumped over their tables, a few leaning precariously over the bar, and others laying on top of each other where there had been only standing room left. 

Rodimus had been the first to wake, having fallen into a draped position half over Megatron and half pressed into the makeshift stage curtain, briefly tangled in his distress over waking up and feeling... Odd. 

He felt like his spark was super charged, like he had ingested far too much high grade energon and was borderline frying his own circuits. It was like his fuses had been blown, but a quick self-diagnostic came back completely normal, nothing out of the ordinary, everything working fine. 

His sensory input felt magnified somehow, like he was feeling the EM fields of everyone in the bar at a hundred fold. 

It wasn't bad. Just very, very odd. Which was never a good indicator of anything, the way things tended to go on the Lost Light.

He briefly considered paging the medbay, when he caught the passed out shaped of Ratchet and Drift together in the centre of the stage; Ratchet must have picked up on whatever was happening and had made a dive for Drift, resulting in both of them clattering to the ground on top of each other. 

Everyone he would turn to for help had also been affected; There was no 

"Megatron, wake up!" 

—-

"Ratchet, oh Primus, please, are you okay?" Drift had finally woken up, exhausted by his lack of recharge on top of the huge surge of energy that had burst forth from the Great Sword, which was connected somehow to his spark energy... He was drained, but determined to get a response out of Ratchet before he could even consider his own wellbeing.  

"Ratchet! Get up! Something's happened with the sword, and it's my fault, and I don't know what happened!" Genuine fear started to seep into his vocaliser, which was likely what finally jarred Ratchet back into awareness.

"...Drift? Are you alright?" Ratchet's voice was low and rough, still drowsy from the forced reboot. Drift knelt further down to help get a grip under Ratchet's shoulders to keep him from slumping over again, being careful of anywhere that may have been injured as he collapsed. 

"My scans are showing me you’re fine, but I think I need to run a diagnostic on myself... I feel like I haven't refuelled in Primus knows how long. My fuel tank was reasonably topped up before this, is anyone else experiencing similar symptoms...?" Ratchet was slowly regaining his bearings, relying less on Drift for balance once being sat upright, although they both remained seated with their legs tucked under them in the middle of the stage. Drift felt he could relax ever so slightly now that Ratchet was responsive enough to be engaging his medical protocols. 

"We all feel a bit strange. Me and Roddy feel overcharged almost, like having two sparks in one frame. It’s… intense, but manageable. Megatron is still out, and Roddy seems to be more charged up than I am. It might be a Matrix thing with him, we don't know. My fuel levels are good, feeling the opposite of drained right now. Our internal diagnostics are coming back normal, but that's clearly wrong. Any ideas?" 

Ratchet was slow to reply. He was never slow to reply, not when it came to medical matters.

"Ratchet?" Drift grabbed Ratchet's shoulders, preparing to brace him and lay him out gently in case he lost consciousness again. 

"Drift, I need you to listen to me carefully. I don't know what happened. I don't know what's happening now. I can't identify any apparent problems in my own self-diagnostics, aside from the erroneous fuel tank level discrepancy. I'm not leaking fuel from anywhere, I'm not burning it off any faster than usual. I'd need access to the medbay for more in-depth scans, but I don't think it's a good idea to be wandering the halls right now. We should keep this contained to the incident area as much as we can..." As he continued to speak, Ratchet looked more and more stressed, more concerned. And that concerned Drift. 

"What are you getting at, why are the halls unsafe? Do you think this is some kind of attack? It originated from my Great Sword, it was... I think it was the incantation. It had to be. Ultra Magnus made sure the threat level was at a minimum--" 

"No. I think that if we went out there, we'd be making the halls dangerous ourselves. Don't you feel that?" 

Drift felt his spark grind to a halt.

"What are you talking about? I feel fine, I feel suspiciously better than fine. Are you okay? Are you dizzy?"

"...No. I'm energy depleted. I need fuel." Ratchet leaned forward until they were pressed flush against each other, their knees touching in their kneeled position on the stage, chests touching right over their spark chambers. Drift kept his hands rested on Ratchet's shoulders, grip light, unsure of what to do. 

When suddenly, and with all the strength of a field medic frame, Ratchet leaned in and closed the rest of the distance, pushing Drift backwards to the floor so his knees lifted from their bent position and his legs splayed out under Ratchet, who was now so close to laying across the top of him that it nearly took Drift's breath away.

Ratchet whispered directly against Drift's neck cables, close enough to his audials that it made Drift's spinal strut shiver and lock up. "I need warm fuel. I need your fuel.”

Drift immediately froze. This didn't sound like Ratchet. This couldn't be Ratchet. Because Ratchet would never make him feel this vulnerable, he would never do this. Ratchet isn't a siphonist...

...Or he wasn't before whatever just happened, happened. 

"Don't do this!" Drift had intended to scream it, but it came out as a whimper that only Ratchet could hear as his breath was taken away by the pointed denta scrapping gently along the central fuel lines in the side of his neck, just above his collar plating and below the corner of his tilted helm, as Ratchet’s glossa searched for the most medically sound place to puncture the lines and begin to siphon fuel. 

Imagining Ratchet's mouth full of his energon, still hot from being cycled through his systems, Ratchet’s face swirling the fuel around his fangs and smiling at him in sick contentment the way Drift knew he himself had done to others in his past filled him with a level of dread and distress that he didn't know he was still capable of feeling. 

He tried to roll to knock Ratchet off balance, but he was now pinned beneath the medic, whose wider frame was made for detaining unruly patients and built to cope with such resistance. The moment had only caused Ratchet to get a better glimpse at his central fuel lines, Drift's neck having flexed in the process, encouraging a small thrilled hum from Ratchet that terrified Drift straight to the spark. 

He couldn't let Ratchet do this. He wouldn't let him become a siphonist. Ratchet is a good mech, a kind-hearted mech, and Drift refused to imagine what would happen if Ratchet drained him of fuel and snapped out of whatever this was and hated himself the way Drift had hated himself...

...But at the same time, they were in a room full of vulnerable and disoriented bots. Many of whom had still not fully rebooted and had no chance of putting up any defence at all. If Ratchet was under some spell, or whatever was happening, then there was no guarantee that he would be able to be restrained, or that he could restrain himself, from simply going after someone else. 

Drift realised in horror that if Ratchet didn't get his fuel fix from him, right now, he would likely just hurt someone else while in this trance-like state, focused solely on satisfying a feral hunger... Drift could at least relate, and was awake enough to consent as much as possible under the circumstances, and it didn't take all that much effort for Drift to talk himself into going limp. 

As he rested back flat against the stage floor, Ratchet briefly froze, giving Drift a flash of hope that he was coming to his senses, that his medical protocols were overriding whatever this was and that he would immediately jump off and apologise and demand another systems check before they started working out whatever was going on. 

But instead, Ratchet made some awful little low trilling noise, lowering more of the weight of his frame against Drift's chest, and whispered into his neck: "Your vents are spewing out so much heat. Your fuel will be so warm in my mouth. Listen to my voice, Drift. You know how much you mean to me. I won't hurt you, I'll never hurt you. I'm a medic. I want you to feel good, be healthy. Forever. I want you to feel the way I do." 

Drift was caught between old traumas and the trauma currently unfolding. He had no response, cleansing fluid building up behind his optics, threatening to cloud his vision and steam up his lenses from the inside from all the heat his rapidly spinning spark was generating throughout his systems. 

He vaguely became aware of some almighty commotion happening somewhere in the bar, but he didn't dare attempt to move. He couldn't have even if he tried. It was painful hearing Ratchet like this, the kind voice worn by age that he was familiar with tainted by something rough and sinister, for all the friendliness it still contained. 

"Did you read all the human myths, or just about the crystals? It seems the Earth vampires can turn another human into one by sharing blood, their energon. After I take a sip from you, would you bite into me? Or would you prefer if I clean cut one of my fuel lines for you to suck on? Would you do that for me? We match, after all.” Drift could feel Ratchet flash a wide smile into the side of his neck. 

Ratchet's voice was starting to have some kind of cognitive effect on Drift's processor, numbing him to the waves of anxiety and making the noises in the bar seem even further away, sinking him into Ratchet's grip, making it impossible to activate his own vocaliser. 

"We could be together forever, Drift. No more flitting in and out of each others lives. Security. Safety. Stability." 

With Drift completely flattened beneath him, helm lolled to the side and central fuel line finally exposing the medically ideal spot to place a bite, Ratchet was satisfied. He leaned in and sunk his pointed denta into the perfect centre of the line, immediately creating a suction and drawing a swift stream of warm energon into his mouth, a deep moan from Drift weakly rising from beneath his grasp--

--And at that moment, Rodimus with immense precision drew down a bar stool leg directly into Ratchet's helm, the metallic clang echoing through the room as Ratchet’s head was forced away from Drift’s neck, a pool of energon steaming up from the tear in the central fuel line, ripped open further by Ratchet’s pointed denta never having had the chance to loosen the bite first. 

Rodimus quickly put himself between Drift and Ratchet, kicking Ratchet in the shoulder to create more distance while avoiding harming him as much as possible before turning to face Drift. 

“Primus, Drift, we shouldn’t have left you two alone, some of the others started waking up and Megatron’s still struggling a little with the hard reboot, are you okay? Drift?” 

Drift barely registered what Rodimus was panicking about as he was only gradually coming out of whatever state Ratchet had put him in. He felt like his temperature regulator has to be malfunctioning now, or perhaps he had just lost too much heat from pushing himself too hard and venting off too much of the heated air that speedster frames tended to build up. 

Setting himself upright, he relied on Rodimus for support, immediately showing the tear in his fuel line, optics slightly foggy and looking off to the side. “I need to wrap this up… It’s not as bad as it could be, but it really is, isn’t it? What’s wrong with Ratchet, Roddy?” It was hard to hear Drift’s voice, usually so lively and firm, take a low and demure tone made rough by the damage to his neck. 

They both looked over to where Ratchet had been unceremoniously kicked on his back, Rodimus continuing to stay tensed and alert in front of Drift in case Ratchet tried to make another move.

Cautiously, Rodimus spoke up as his right hand helped Drift hold the fuel line edges together; Rodimus winced at how much it must hurt, but Drift was making no complaints as it was slowly and carefully wrapped by some previously subspaced tape. In fact, Drift seemed… Sad, more than scared. He was being too quiet, moving too little even considering his injury, and his EM field was full of exhaustion and distress. 

“What the hell happened? Ratchet, you… I didn’t hit you that hard, did I? Can you answer me? What were you doing?”  He wanted to ask why, but one thing at a time. He suspected that Ratchet didn’t know the answer to that last one, and Rodimus didn’t want to press someone who was potentially unstable and clearly dangerous at the moment. He pressed his back closer to Drift, fully ready to defend him if needed. 

Rodimus took in Ratchet’s crumpled pose, still laid out where he had been kicked back, a look of absolute shock and strain on his face as his fists curled tightly against the stage floor, steaming energon dipping from around his slightly open mouth in small pools as he ex-vented heavily. 

As Ratchet shook his helm a bit, he replied with an absolutely wrecked voice, as if it had been his vocaliser nearly ripped out instead of Drift’s. “I, Rodimus, I don’t know how long I’ll be lucid for. My fuel tank levels are registering within perfectly normal levels, but it feels like I’m being constantly drained, like I’m losing fuel from a leak that doesn’t exist—“

“So you put a leak in Drift?” Rodimus knew he shouldn’t have said anything as Ratchet’s head whipped up and stared him directly in the optics, the shattered look on his face so unfamiliar on Ratchet’s features that it startled Rodimus to see it. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My scans are coming back fine, all of them, I can’t find what’s wrong.” Real panic was seeping into Ratchet’s vocaliser, a bizarre and awful contrast to his usual calm steadiness even in the worst of situations. “You don’t understand, Rodimus, whatever energy the Great Sword released has altered my systems, perhaps everyone’s systems… Drift said you both felt overcharged, but I feel energy depleted, and it’s doing something to my processor. I feel so strange and— And Drift.” 

The entire time he spoke, without his knowledge, his glossa lightly flicked out here and there to catch some spare flecks of Drift’s energon that had settled around his mouth. It set off a sick feeling in Rodimus’ spark, as it was clear Ratchet genuinely couldn’t help it, as if his coding had gone severely wrong somewhere. It reminded him of a cyberfox licking its paws after a hunt. It was too unrefined and subtly animalistic for a bot like Ratchet. It looked wrong, it felt wrong, and he could feel a surge of concerned sadness burst forth from Drift’s EM field behind him. Evidently he’d finished wrapping his fuel line and was now focused on Ratchet. 

Ratchet noticed and finally moved, only slightly to avoid startling Rodimus into unnecessary action, as he picked up on Drift’s distressed EM signals. 

“Drift, Primus, are—“ Ratchet’s optics went wide and he jerked back oddly, not moving from his place lest Rodimus make a move, but as though he were torn so completely that he couldn’t move. “—My medical protocols demand your neck be examined. If I do it, I don’t know what I’ll do. Where’s Velocity and First Aid?” 

—-

Megatron bellowed across the bar, “They’re behaving oddly, get ready to fight them off!” 

—-

"Drift, we're medics. We know where to bite to take the most energon straight from the central fuel line the fastest. I just did it to you, and being ripped free like that can rip the cable lining and weaken the integrity of the fuel line under pressure. It ruptures and causes a major bleed. It can kill someone. It will kill someone. If at any point we start failing to restrain ourselves, you have to incapacitate us. Tie us up. Do whatever. We are officially dangerous until this is resolved. I can't say my behaviour will be predictable, or sensible."

He then turned abruptly to Rodimus and Megatron, Ultra Magnus off to his opposite side, ready to intervene if needed. 

"One of you, or both of you, I am asking you to do whatever you need to do if I go after Drift again. If I go for his central fuel lines again, he's already damaged. Another bite will weaken the line structure, its integrity will fail, and he will lose too much energon to be within safe levels. His nanites will take far too long to repair a gash that size. Please." 

Ratchet hung his head, avoiding everyone's optics. 

"I am a medic. I heal bots. I don't kill them. 

---

AND THAT’S AS FAR AS I GOT, I hope to finish this up and edit it for AO3 soon, Happy Halloween! 

[imjeralee]

Wallflower: Chapter 10 - #raihansprincess, Part II

Raihan x F!Reader

Disclaimer: Do not own Pokemon

Note: This is my first Pokemon fanfic. I hope you enjoy it :) Originally posted on Archive of Our Own.

Summary: You’re an unassuming Pokemon breeder who works at the nursery in the Wild Area and he’s Raihan, the fearsome gym leader of Hammerlocke who has more than a million followers. You don’t want anything to do with him but he’s…persistent.

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Warnings: Lemon, smut, violence, language

#raihansprincess, PART II

...

...

It takes a while to leave the Glimwood Tangle because the Shiinotic had taken your brother deep within the depths of the forest, but once you find the exit, you see Opal seated down on a toadstool with a Drifloon and a Galarian Ponyta which you believe is Sugarplum, Glenn's remaining missing pokemon. Once she spots your group emerging, you head over to her side at once and Glenn happily reunites with Sugar. Drifloon floats over to you and you're surprised to see he has left the house but it looks like he wanted to make sure you were okay. Opal informs you that they didn't get very far because her hip was acting up and later they came across a lost Leon who had separated from Allister. Sonia then went with Leon and Opal returned to the entrance, and now the duo are somewhere inside the forest.

However, Sonia's phone is faring better than the rest of you lot because she's been able to send messages and photos to Opal, detailing the progress of their investigation. They've discovered the source of the mysterious white light - it's coming from mushrooms that had been dug up. Previously, and they were supposed to be glowing a bright, neon-red hue and now they've lost their colour and the Pokemon who lived in these mushrooms now have nowhere to go. These dying mushrooms have been found in large quantities all over the forest.

"It must be that douchebag." Glenn says, frowning somewhat. You have an inkling that Glenn is talking about the guy you and Raihan met earlier. Glenn adds, "I think his name started with an 'E'."

"Eli, perhaps?" Raihan utters, and Glenn nods wildly. "You mentioned he was digging up wishing stars?"

"Yeah."

You and Raihan exchange glances whilst Opal sighs under her breath. "I can speak to Chairman Rose about this. Don't you worry about a thing, my dears." She assures you. "I'll wait here for Leon and Sonia, too."

"...Me too." Allister mutters. "....I guess this is goodbye."

"Thanks for your help, Allister." Raihan says, grinning.

"....Thanks for allowing me to go with you." The gym leader replies shyly, throwing his glance to the ground.

"No problem."

Turning to Phantump, you see him staring intently at the gym leader so you smile and Phantump trills loudly. "Would you like to stay with Allister?" And Phantump nods and floats towards the boy who gazes at it intently, before he looks up at you. "Allister, do you mind looking after Phantump for me?"

He blinks. "....Huh?"

"I think Phantump would be happier if he stayed with you, so....please look after him."

Allister nods. "Okay."

"Thank you."

"......You're welcome."

Phantump returns to you and gently pecks you on the cheek; you can feel the roughness of the wood rubbing against your skin and you hug him tightly whilst he clings to you. In fact, tears begin forming in your eyes when Phantump floats over to Allister and settles on top of his head. "Take care, Phantump. Don't worry, we'll find your family, and we'll find out what happened to you."

Allister nods in agreement. "....I'll do everything I can."

"Thanks, Allister."

”Wait....Your Drifloon has something to say to you.”

”What?”

”It wants to say... ‘I’m sorry’.”

”Huh?” Turning to the balloon Pokemon, you say, “Aww, it’s okay, Driffie.”

With that, you leave Phantump under the care of the Stow-on-Side gym leader; it's great that Allister understands ghost pokemon and no doubt, he will look after Phantump with utmost care. After saying further farewells, Allister takes a seat beside Opal and Drifloon and Phantump exchange a few trills and wheezes and you believe they’re having a conversation.

Once that’s done, you leave with Raihan, Glenn and Drifloon. You throw a few concerned glances over your shoulder now and then. The entire time, Phantump waves. He is watching you, a little sadly, and you wonder if you'd done the right thing.

"Cheer up, sis." Glenn says, "You can always visit the little guy and he can always return to you whenever he wants."

You nod. "...I know."

"I'm sorry about the pokemon battle. I can only remember parts of it and the rest of it is hazy. It was seriously the most trippy thing ever though - it was like I was kinda conscious and dreaming at the same time. So strange...but Shiinotic didn't mean to harm anyone, it was scared."

You sigh audibly under your breath. "I'm just glad you're okay."

"Yep, me too. Well, it's been grand, but I should really head to Johto now. Mum must be worried to death about me."

"Aren't you tired? We could tell mum you're fine and you could stay for the rest of the night."

"Nah, it's okay, I've been gone for too long and I'm not tired either; I should go asap."

"What about your pokemon?"

"We're good, don't worry about us."

"Oh, alright."

Glenn turns his attention to Raihan next. "Hey Raihan, I got a lot of questions, like how you met my sis and stuff - but I know she's in good hands. So, please look after her in my absence."

"I will." Raihan replies, grinning.

"Good man." Glenn says, patting the gym leader on the shoulder. Your brother is not as tall as Raihan; it's kind of comedic seeing him trying to reach him properly. On the other hand, you're also extremely glad that Glenn has taken a liking to Raihan so quickly.

"Perhaps we'll battle one day." Raihan suggests, and Glenn nods. "Before you go, mind if we take a selfie?"

"Sure!" Glenn exclaims, and your brother takes a quick snapshot with the dragon tamer. You're relieved to see that your brother and Raihan are getting along.

"And here's my League card." Raihan adds, digging into his pockets and brandishing a small card which Glenn accepts.

"Interesting pose." Your brother comments as he places it into his bag carefully.

"Ah, yeah."

"Well, I'm off!" Glenn yells; you watch somewhat despondently as Rotom, with what little strength he has left, calls the Corviknight taxi for your brother and when it arrives, you say your goodbyes again and he's gone.

It's just you and Raihan. What now?

Much to your embarrassment, your stomach grumbles ferociously and you're pretty sure Raihan heard. Ah yeah, you never had your lunch... Clutching your tummy, Raihan chuckles and says, "Wanna grab something to eat?"

You nod. "Can we order takeout?"

"Sure. What do you wanna eat?"

"Hmm..."

In the end, you decide to order takeout from Bob's Your Uncle; you've not had a Bob's Burger for a while so upon accessing their website, you check out the menu and you both agree to buy something to share considering their portion sizes can be pretty big. With the order placed, you go to the pokemon centre to heal your pokemon team first.

Inside, Drifloon clings to you as Nurse Joy heals up your pokemon whilst Raihan attracts some unnecessary attention - you watch as he's quickly surrounded by a bunch of young women and you can't help but feel slightly out of place as he smiles and waves at them all and then looks at your direction and your gazes meet. You can only give him an awkward smile in return and a thumbs up; as he dishes out autographs and takes pictures with the fans, you head over to the PC and deposit Whimsicott, Starmie and Togekiss into a box, then look at the icons of your Haxorus and Salamence. To reduce the number of dragon Pokemon in your team, you were reluctant to use them in battle but you believe it's time to take them out now. Adding them to your party, you wonder if Raihan has an Axew or Bagon yet. It would be a nice surprise...

When you're finished, Raihan also departs from his fans. They all stare when Raihan makes his way towards you and you know they're wondering who you are and who you might be to the dragon tamer - you're too afraid to hold Raihan's hand or do anything else with him in public so you quickly leave with him by your side. What is this feeling? It's so strange...

Once you're home, your house pokemon greet you and Raihan spots Goomy and Dreepy; he greets them happily and you can't help but smile. Meanwhile, Drifloon floats off to the window, obviously upset with Phantump’s departure. You hope he will cheer up soon.

According to the app, your takeout will arrive in half an hour and this is Raihan's second time in your house albeit he has more time to look around your home; however, you and Raihan also have some time to finally be alone together. You get the idea he's thinking the same because you're in the kitchen fixing some drinks for the both of you when you hear him approaching from behind. Before you can turn round, he slips his arms around your shoulders and pulls you into his chest.

"Hey..." He murmurs, leaning down to nuzzle the side of your head before he begins nipping on the shell of your ear affectionately.

You smile, closing your eyes and placing your hands over his as he kisses your temple. "What's up?"

"How’re you feeling?"

"I'm okay." You mutter; when he stops kissing you, you manage to turn to face him and your eyes meet. "It's been a crazy day."

"It's never a dull moment with you." He utters; you briefly recall yourself thinking the same a while ago.

"Yeah, gotta admit...we've had quite a lot of adventures recently." You add, and Raihan chuckles. "Thanks for being there for me."

He grins. "Anything for you, princess." Leaning forwards, he pecks you on the lips briefly and when you break apart, your gazes linger before he closes the gap between you once more and your lips meet. You let out a soft moan from the back of your throat as he steals your breath away and he releases you so you can face him properly; Raihan scoops you in his arms and lifts you up to sit on one of your kitchen counters.

With your adjusted height, you cup his jaw as he leans forwards again, your lips pressing together gently. Your eyelids flutter to a close as you relish the feel of his mouth over yours, kissing you heatedly. He ensures every inch of your lips are pressed and nibbled on, which makes you giggle when you both break apart for some air; your eyes meet for a split second before he swoops on you again - you slip your arms around his neck and moan helplessly against him, melting thoroughly into his embrace as he ravishes you with his mouth.

He holds you tight with his arms wrapped around you securely, your chest firmly pressed against his. “Bedroom?” He suggests.

”Bedroom.” You reply, nodding.

...

A week later.

It's been a while since Raihan has been summoned to see the Chairman at Rose Tower; it's normally not for a good reason, that's for sure. Raihan exits the elevator and he passes a few Macro Cosmos employees who greet him politely. He greets them back with a smile as he jovially makes his way over, passing some Magnezone and Durants with their trainers. Once he's at Rose's penthouse, the door whooshes open for him and he sees Rose standing at the floor-to-ceiling window, looking outside whilst Oleana bows her head.

"Good afternoon, Mr Raihan. Thank you for coming, would you like a drink?" Oleana enquires, holding up a bottle of red wine in her arms.

"No thanks, Oleana."

"Very well." The secretary mutters as she returns the wine bottle over the table, her expression blank yet stoic, "Please, have a seat."

She gestures to the large, black leather sofa beside Rose's desk and he plops himself down; Rose's penthouse is beautiful with modern furnishings and top-notch interior design. Before he can marvel his surroundings any longer however, the Chairman turns round abruptly and begins strolling towards them. "Hello, Raihan."

"Hey, Chairman Rose."

"Do you know why I've asked to see you today?"

"Nope."

"Here, take a look at this." Chairman Rose mutters, taking the seat opposite him and reaching for the wine bottle and empty glass on the coffee table in front of them; he promptly pours himself a glass. "Oleana, show him."

"Yes, sir." Oleana wordlessly strides over to the gym leader and hands Raihan her tablet before returning to Rose's side, hands clasped together as she stands. Raihan looks at the screen where a website called 'THE GROOKEY TRUTH' shows several articles ranging from 'Watch now: Hiker's Escape Rope Epic Fail' and 'Is the World Coming to an End?' to an article that says:

"Dating rumours of Hammerlocke's beloved gym leader has been circulating online once more. The rumours began when a photo uploaded by the Chatot Daily Times that showed the dragon tamer with an unidentified female was quickly and quietly taken down. Fans have quickly come to address this mysterious girl as ‘Raihan’s princess’. Just recently, another photo of Raihan with the same girl has been uploaded on Froakit, the front page of the internet.

While some fans have shown willingness to be supportive if the rumours turn out to be true, other fans have been angry and are demanding an explanation. The netizen who uploaded the photo claimed that the duo looked quite close. T he dragon tamer has recently suffered a string of losses to gym challengers hence fans are concerned that he is taking his responsibilities less seriously due to the distraction."

"This article was published this morning. It really isn't my business who you're dating, Raihan," Rose mutters, swirling the wine inside his glass gently using his hand, "But this isn’t the first time and you need to understand that you're endorsed by the League and through your contract with us, you've received many sponsorships. Therefore, anything negative that could harm your reputation could affect us all too. I don't know how else to put this but...I'll use Leon as a prime example here; as Champion, he cannot afford to let anyone down. He has a wonderful, altruistic personality and most importantly, a sense of responsibility. He has many fans - young, old, male, female - and he's very aware of how he should act in public and how others would perceive him so he's very careful, even if it means he has to grin and bear with the crippling pressure that he faces everyday. So we've decided - to avoid backlash, we're going to deny these rumours and mention that we'll take legal action against those who spread false misinformation."

"Wait." Raihan glances at the tablet again, then gazes at Rose, "No, I can deal with this. I want to confirm the rumours."

...

Meanwhile.

In the department store, you look at the price tags of the sets in your hands and ponder to yourself; hm, which one would Raihan prefer? In one hand, you're holding a lacy red bra and panty set and the other is a sleek, satin black. They're both the same price. You cannot decide which one to buy for the life of you so you dump both into your basket and move on, until a white bra set catches your eye and you grab that too, just in case.

Here you are, buying sexy lingerie to wear for the next time you and Raihan are in bed. You can't help but blush as you contemplate that to yourself, clutching your basket tightly in hand. Now that you're with Raihan, things have become more exciting and fulfilling than ever before: you also want to focus on yourself so you've decided to do some shopping in Wyndon. Along the way, you want to buy Raihan a nice gift so you get him a poketoy bundle that is exclusive for dragon pokemon. It's been a while since you went shopping - especially for yourself - but recently you really want to spoil yourself so you've also purchased a half-day spa package. Pricey as hell, but hopefully worth it when you come out of it as a completely refreshed woman (or so you hope).

You've asked your friend to go and she mentions to you that she can make herself free as long as you tell her what day you want to in advance, so you both spent oodles of time going over the calendar and when you agree on a date, you book the package and she requests a day off work. You're meeting her in the cafe before you hit the spa so that's when you'll break the news to her - you will tell her that you're seeing Raihan and you will also ask her if she wants to go on a date with Leon. You wonder how she'll react. After you buy your lingerie and stuff it into an eco-friendly bag, you make your way to the cafe where you see her waiting for you in the corner.

"Hey." She waves for you and you grin and head over.

"Hey! I'm so glad you're here; I feel like I haven't seen you forever!" You gush.

"I know.”

"I miss you so much!”

"Me too!" She exclaims. You both exchange a hug; you feel she's in a better mood compared to the last time you saw her as she grabs her purse, ready to leave her seat. "So, what do you wanna drink?"

"I'll treat you."

"But you treated me last time."

"It's fine, it's on me. What do you want? Black coffee, no sugar?"

"Ehh, I actually kinda want their Milcery mint mocha for a change. They have millefeuille today too."

"Right, got it." You put down your bags and head to the counter where you order the drinks and your food. The cafe is slightly busy today but fortunately the wait is not too long. Once it's ready, you grab the tray with the hot drinks - you got the mocha and fluffy layered cake, and you've ordered an affogato and Swirlix tiramisu - and because you want to spoil yourself, you buy a red velvet cupcake too - and you return to the table, balancing the full tray in your hands.

"Mm, looks yummy." She says, "Thanks."

"No problem. Thanks for being able to come out today." You help her lift the mocha off the tray and nudge it near her side on the table whilst you do the same for your drink and cake.

She sighs, grabbing the napkin and unfolding it. "I need a break, so all good."

"How's work?"

"Shite," She moans, "It's absolute shite."

You purse your lips. "Is it not getting better?"

"It's not really getting better or anything, but I just feel like my soul is slowly being sucked out of my body."

"You're doing something you don't enjoy, that's why."

"Yeah, I think so too. Even though the pay's good and so is the commission.... that's the only good thing about it, I guess."

"Have you thought about what you want to do?"

Your friend looks glumly at her cup as she holds it in her hands. "Not really. Never mind, let's not talk about work anymore. I can't wait for the spa."

"Same. Did you look at the spa menu?"

"Yeah, and I looked at the reviews. It's a pretty high-end place."

"I wanted to go for the best." You reply; you both taste your coffee and discover that it's really good. "Oh yeah, I need to tell you something. Well, more like ask."

"What?"

"....Do you wanna... go on a date with the Champion of Galar, Leon?"

Your friend looks at you blankly for a few seconds, before she goes, "Wut?"

"I was going to work one day and I saw Opal outside - she's the gym leader of Ballonlea - and she asked if I knew anyone who was single; she wants to set Leon with someone, and I thought about you."

Your friend's eyes widen at once before she splutters, "Wait, WHAT?"

"But only if you want to."

She looks visibly nervous, fidgeting in her seat. "What the...where is...where is this coming from? Why? This is so random!!!"

"I know, I know, and I'm sorry for not telling you earlier, but I think he's a great guy."

"Well, why didn't she ask you?"

"She did, but I - " You pause somewhat, before you utter out, "I'm seeing someone already: Raihan."

Her eyes bulge once more. "WHAT?" Leaning forwards in her chair, she grabs your hand. "Oh my Shaymin, what! You are? Wait, I knew it! You know Raihan posted up a selfie of himself with your brother the other day, right??? I was like when did Raihan meet your brother??? When did this happen?? When were you going to tell me this???" She exclaims; she sounds happy for you, which makes you feel better inwardly considering you weren't sure how she would react.

"Well...We just started going out."

She stuffs her knuckles into the mouth, and emits a squeal with glee. "That is so cute! I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks..." You leave your sentence trailing, chuckling. "So...do you wanna go on a date with Leon? I know you have a thing for men with long hair - or was it men in tights?"

Your friend clams up again and you're pretty sure you see her cheeks going slightly pink. You recall that your friend attempted to become Champion a long time ago and gave up after losing several times. Leon is champion and has been since the tender age of ten...so, you suppose there's somekind of common ground there but you don't want to mention this to her, of course. Wait! What if being around Leon makes your friend think about her forgotten, destroyed childhood dreams???! Or maybe you're thinking too much now? You quickly bat those thoughts away and say with a smile, "He's a really friendly guy, I'm sure you guys will get along."

"...What if he's not interested? What if he doesn't like me?"

"He won’t." You reply; however, she drops her smile, looking visibly troubled. Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned this to her...

However, much to your surprise, she nods. "Okay, I guess there's no harm, and it's always good to meet more people."

"Exactly! I'll tell Opal the good news." You add, before you quickly type a message to the gym leader.

Once you finish messaging Opal, you continue catching up. There’s a lot to share - you tell her that Raihan had a crazed stalker, you went camping with him, he gave you a Goomy and a Dreepy, he helped catch a Galarian Ponyta which you gave to your brother. Speaking about Glenn, you tell her that he went missing in the woods near your home and you had to battle him because he got mind-controlled by a Shiinotic but you lost and Raihan paid; the prize money was a lot, almost equivalent to the price of a vitamin. Then you also found Phantump’s dead body and now he’s with Allister.

”Bloody hell.” Your friend says, in response to all this.

You even tell her that Raihan keeps calling you princess.

”Well, from what you’ve told me, he certainly treats you like one.”

She has a good point, although the pet name has stuck since that online article was released.

The coffee's really good, so you and your friend end up ordering two more each along with some more cake and then depart to the spa. With three coffees in your system and a whole lot of sugar, you're pretty jittery inside. After you finish up in the spa, it's getting late and you both leave the establishment feeling relaxed and refreshed and in an elevated mood. You had opted for a full, relaxing seaweed bath, facial and body massage and now your neck, shoulders, back and arms feels rid of many cricks and stiff joints and your skin is super smooth and shiny.

"That foot massage really hit the spot." Your friend comments, "That Mr. Mime is good with his hands - " Pause. "Fuck, that sounded so wrong! You get what I meant though, right???"

You snort with laughter as she squawks helplessly. "Yeah."

She curses loudly anyway, before she opens her phone to check any messages; her eyes widen and she turns to you. "Um, I think you should see this."

"What is it?"

"Look." She hands you her phone and you see that she's brought up Raihan's social media page. You can see the selfie he took with your brother which he ended up posting onto his account along with a new post; selecting it, you see that the post is a massive wall of text and there's more than a thousand comments on it. Your friend says, "He's confirming that he's dating. Aww, look at what he's written. It's so sweet."

You wonder what's triggered this but when you read his post, he doesn't disclose your name or any other information about you, other than his girlfriend is really important to him, he enjoys spending his free time with her and he really cares about her. You feel your heart thudding harder, your cheeks warming. He also mentions that it won't stop him from training or working harder as Hammerlocke gym leader - in fact, it's inspired him to work harder - so his fans shouldn't be worried.

You sigh under your breath as you hand her the phone. "Sorry, I think I should head back now."

"That's okay." Your friend says with a smile. "I had fun today. Let's hang out again soon."

"Sure. Maybe next time we could go on a double date or something." You reply, and she laughs. “Tell me how the date goes.”

”Yeah, yeah, okay.”

You both split up - she makes her way to the train station and you scoop out your phone. You should go see him.  You quickly call him and you wonder if he'll be able to pick up but then -

"Hey, princess." He sounds cheerful as always.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Where are you right now?"

"At the stadium."

"I'll come over."

"Okay."

After you hang up, you call the taxi to take you to Hammerlocke.

...

Raihan waits for his girlfriend.

There hasn't been any scheduled matches today which was a nice change of pace, but it doesn't mean he gets to slack off. His entire day was full of training with his pokemon; he's been devising various battle strategies and tactics so next time, a victory will be guaranteed. He's been so absorbed with work that he hasn't even looked at his phone much and it’s getting hot, so he sits cross-legged in the middle of the pitch with a pen and notebook in hand. He removes his hoodie and sweatband, leaving them folded on the soft grass by his side.

He wonders when she'll get here when suddenly someone pounces on his back and a pair of arms wrap around him; she kisses him on the cheek and nuzzles his neck and he chuckles. "Hey."

"Hey." She says, before she gives him a tight, affectionate squeeze and nibbles the shell of his ear.

"Are you okay?"

"Yep!! I had three coffees, that's all."

In that case, she should have coffee more often.

"C'mere." Raihan tries to be careful with her - he peels her off his back and into his arms, bringing her into his lap where he aggressively attacks her neck and face with kisses and playfully nips at her skin. She giggles, clinging onto him as he ravages her. Pulling away for a split second, he leans forwards again to take a whiff of her hair. "Mm. You smell good."

"I went to the spa with my friend today..." His girlfriend wriggles in his grip to sit up and he keeps her perched in his lap; cupping her face, he takes one good look at her - cute as always, yep, and this time, she is positively glowing... the spa has done her some good; throwing his glance to the side, he also notices the numerous shopping bags she's brought with her. "I got you something."

He lets go of her as she reaches over and accidentally knocks over a bag where he can see this red lacy bra inside.

"Whoa! You weren't supposed to see that! Not yet anyway..." She exclaims and he chuckles; she quickly seizes it and moves it behind another bag and away from his eyes, but he's seen it all already. She grabs another bag, fishes out a rather large bundle from inside which she hands to him. It's a poketoy set specifically for an assortment of pokemon types ranging from dragon to ground.

Grinning, he says, "Thanks," and promptly opens it, lifting out a feathery toy which he uses to tickle her nose with. She scrunches up her face in response and he laughs at her expression.

"It's also got this incense that relaxes dragon-type pokemon." She explains, rubbing at her nose.

"It's great, I'm sure the guys will love it." He murmurs, before he puts the toy down, slides his arms around her waist as she sits up properly, glancing around again before she spots his hoodie and puts it on. It's so huge on her tiny frame that she completely disappears inside it and the sleeves are so long, they dangle off her arms; Raihan watches her silently; she's never worn his clothes before and he has to admit, it's a bit hot. To complete the outfit, he takes his headband that he's left lying over the grass and carefully eases it over her head. It's obviously too big for her; it keeps dropping over her eyes.

She pushes the headband up over her forehead and holds it there. "I saw the post," She says next, voice laced with concern, "What happened?"

He shrugs casually as he reaches for her free hand, pulling the sleeve of his hoodie up to reveal her fingers; he carefully slides his thumb into the base of her tiny palm and rubs her thoroughly; she watches him tentatively before she closes her fingers over his hand in return and holds his hand gently in hers. He says, "There were rumours going round saying I was dating; fans were worried that I was getting distracted and not taking my responsibilities seriously enough."

"Am I?" She asks, "...Am I distracting you?"

He cracks a grin, chuckling as she opens his hand and begins using her fingertip to trace the lines in his large palm. Her hand is so small and fragile compared to his but her fingertips are quite rough. She's used to hard work. "Nope." He mutters, scooping her fingers with his and rubbing them with his thumb.

"I'm sorry that happened, you don't deserve it."

"S'okay."

"I saw the comments too, a lot of them weren't nice."

He shrugs when she mentions his haters. "I'm used to it." Using his other hand, he pats her affectionately on the head, smoothing her hair down and stroking the side of her cheek, "Don't worry about me. It'll take more than that to get me down."

She pouts, but then smiles. "Okay, that's good. I’m glad. If it ever gets too much, we could always go somewhere else - maybe to Johto or Hoenn. I heard people have their own secret bases there."

"I could ask Kabu."

"Great."

”...Rose wanted to deny the rumours. I didn’t want that. It’s not fair on you.” He replies and she brings his hand to her chest, clutching him tightly. ”It’ll be okay. You don’t need to be a part in any of this.” He knows she enjoys her privacy, so he won’t ask her to be in any videos or photos.

“It’s not like it’s a big secret anyway - your cheerleaders know we’re together. And I think it's the other way round. I mean, you distract me a lot when I'm at work - I'm always thinking about you."

Raihan hesitates, raises a brow, before he grins once more and lets go of her hand to encircle his arms around her waist, pulling her even closer. She's being very bold today - first, she took him by surprise and also took the initiative; second, she clearly bought some sexy lingerie for the next time they would be in bed together, and now she is saying this. She delivers it in such a straightforward, blunt manner, he's not quite sure if he heard her properly but he did. He feels he should reward her so he leans in close, their noses touching.

"...Is that so?" He mutters, with his lips mere millimetres from hers. He slides one hand down from her waist to her ass, caressing her, and she blushes.

"Mm-hm, I'm always thinking about the stuff you do to me when we're together."

"Such as?"

She pulls his headband away from her eyes, lets go of his shoulders to cup his face, stroking the sturdy outline of his jaw and cheek with her thumb and their gazes meet. She tilts her head to the side and he leans in further, finally getting the chance to press his lips against hers. He gently massages her mouth with his, holding her tightly in his arms and pulling her firmly against him whilst she drapes her arms around his neck.

When they pull away, she smiles and says, "I'll leave that to your imagination."

...

[teflonsos]

⌠ MIGUEL HERRAN, 21, CISMALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, RICARDO ‘RICKY’ ALONSO! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in DRIVER’S ED; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (5 a.m. cigarettes after a sleepless night, the smell of burning rubber after driving so fast you break the sound barrier, cheap vodka in an expensive shotglass, scraped knees and elbows from reckless parkour). when it’s the (scorpio)’s birthday on 11/04/98, they always request their CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ kati, 23, est, she/her ⍀ @gallagherintro

STATS / PINTEREST / CONNECTIONS / CLASSES

INSPIRATION.

fernando alonso – formula 1

james hunt – formula 1

jp – redline

peter quill – guardians of the galaxy 

emmett cullen – twilight

mercutio – romeo & juliet

han solo – star wars

charlie pace – lost

vert wheeler – acceleracers 

BACKGROUND + CLICK FOR FULL BIO.

when ricky is born, there are expectations as the firstborn male but they are expectations that ricky refuses to meet. he’s stubborn, insolent, and straight up annoying. his dad is mysteriously never around and his mother suffers from chronic illness, so he generally has free range of the house and...free range to harass and drive out nanny after nanny

his younger sister is the balancing force in his life, proper in all the ways that he’s a mess and polite in all the ways that he’s uncouth. however, they get along really well and she’s his best friend in an otherwise large, empty house.

as he gets older, his father’s comings and goings are more noticeable to ricky and he realizes that he doesn’t really understand what his dad’s job actually is? and his father won’t answer his questions about it either. one night, when ricky is about ten years old, he sneaks downstairs to find his father covered in blood. at first he screams until he realizes, that’s not his father’s blood – it’s someone else’s.

put the pieces together, his dad is a blackthorne alumn, assassin, and...brotherhood member. 

ricky doesn’t really get the chance to be close with his parents, but he is super close with his grandfather. his grandfather is a big man with a full laugh who used to race formula one like, back in the sixties. he’s a big name, and ricky wants to be like him, and his grandfather is the one that gets ricky really into the sport. racing. 

ricky starts off by racing t cars, and when he’s fourteen and sneaking out to the track with his sister, things go awry. they’re stopped and kidnapped by brotherhood members. from conversations by the kidnappers, he can surmise that his father has something to upset the brotherhood and the kidnapping is a move to keep his father in his place. ricky have to listen to his father tell the kidnappers he doesn’t give a fuck about him (likely a bluff, but still stings) over the phone.

ricky’s father’s move doesn’t work, and he doesn’t get to them in time. ricky has to beg on the phone for his life. a gunshot rings out. everything else is a blur.

ricky wakes up the next day with a million questions, but there’s one answer: his sister will never walk again. a gunshot has left her without the use of her legs, but otherwise she’ll make a full recovery. she encourages ricky to continue his racing and tells him how much she believes in him.

he takes home trophies year after year while t car racing and people start to learn ricky’s name, to see him as an up and comer as they associate him with his grandfather. the next four years are hard work, but he’s healing from trauma with a new passion and a great support system.

ate age 19, he’s on the podium after his third formula three race, and he wins the championship, raining champagne on his teammates and laughing. his nights are busy, filled with parties and clubs, pretty girls and people willing to give him whatever he wants. 

he awaits the next season and the rise into formula two, but he’s getting ahead of himself. late nights spent partying before the race take their toll on him, and his sister says it best. “you shouldn’t go out there,” she says. “i have to go out there. it’s fine, i’m just a little hungover. besides, it’s raining today. i have the advantage.” but he never learns.

ricky crashes hard, lucky to get off with a tbi and some broken ribs, but the drugs in his system render him a pariah and no one will really want to sponsor him after that. everyone had high hopes for him, but now he just looks like another stupid kid. he’ll never forget the disappointment in his grandfather’s eyes. 

he spends most of the year blowing previous winnings.

after all of that bullshit, his grandfather sits him down. “you’re going to apply to gallagher academy,” he says. and that’s when he tells ricky everything, about his father’s profession, just like his grandfather’s brother and father before him. the legacy, the brotherhood, blackthorne academy, and ricky’s both riveted and horrified. “that’s what my sister got shot for?” 

ricky passes the test while the brotherhood still has its claws clenched tightly around the reigns of gallagher academy somewhere. he’s a good driver, the fastest, and he might’ve been the best if he wasn’t so irrational and drunk on his own pride (among other things.) 

before he can gain the skills to stop his father himself, someone else does. the news comes on ricky’s very first day of school: “dad’s been arrested.” and it’s like his whole world stops, because he always knew his father was bad, just someone else got to him first. 

PERSONALITY.

ADVENTUROUS: ricky is not afraid of risks, and actually, this is usually in a good way. he pushes himself to want and pursue fulfilling life experiences, so while he’s made stupid decisions, he never lets fear stop him from taking chances and trying new things, so he’s pretty open-minded 

CHARISMATIC: pretty good at putting on a smile and making himself likable when he needs to be, he has a nice smile and a good-natured spirit even if he can be a bit MUCH at times ! the kind of asshole that you can’t help but like anyway, he means well 

FLEXIBLE: one of his great strengths is his ability to go with the flow, it doesn’t change him around or turn him inside out when things don’t go his way, he’s pretty adaptable and able to adjust when there’s a wrench in his plans

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE: ricky has a habit of ruining things when they’re going good for him, he’s notorious for self-sabotage and it probably comes from a mix of feeling like he’s invincible so he pushes limits and because he’s almost comfortable in the label of fuck-up at this point, not wanting to get his hopes up too high

ENTITLED: whether he likes it or not, he comes from a good family and a past where most things have just been handed to him. so, while he’s worked hard, he’s never had to work...that hard. he feels entitled to success and certain things in life and he can be a bit of a dick about it, even out of touch with other ways of life. he tends to feel like he deserves things, such as his gallagher education or another chance at racing

SELF-CENTERED: apart from his sister, ricky very much puts himself first and can be a bit selfish. it’s mostly out of self-preservation, but most of his thoughts revolve around him. he actually puts a lot of pressure on himself, which is why he turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms and doesn’t look at how his actions affect others in his life

HEADCANONS.

when it comes to his memory loss, it’s pretty manageable. he keeps up with medication and IF he gets a good night sleep/eats well...it’s good on his brain. but sometimes he’s not so great about it! his most common habits are: putting something down and forgetting where he just put it, asking you a question he’s already asked, and he’s bad with names

used to be good at fighting games but now he isn’t and he still tries and it’s sad :(

as you can guess, he’s really bad at card games but he likes to gamble so he’ll just bet on other stuff. always ready to put money on the results of a sports game or something, loves to do fantasy brackets

really likes anime movies! watches a lot, but his faves are obviously redline, akira, princess mononoke, perfect blue, and ghost in the shell. he watches anime too and tbh probably a lot of anime i’ve never seen like naruto, one piece, and cowboy bebop. for my sanity please don’t talk to much about them with him bc i won’t know what to write.

loves to skateboard and snowboard, and is pretty good at it because really the main thing is confidence and he has plenty of that! 

loves to play pranks in class or on people, he’s got a whole repertoire of tricks he used to play on his nannies growing up and has no issue with playing them on a teacher with a stick up their ass

his primary coping mechanisms are 1) hating his father 2) cocaine and 3) acting stupid 

is bisexual and honestly doesn’t give a fuck! guys, girls, whatever, sex is sex and he’s gonna like who he likes. has never come out to his parents but has never known them well enough for it to matter. 

had a steady long term girlfriend but she broke up with him when he started to tank his future and started partying more, probably as self-preservation for herself and ricky feels guilty about how he treated her, doesn’t want to put anyone else through that

really likes german cars so it’s a bummer that he missed out on the berlin trip, he’s going to geek out and cry any time someone mentions berlin to him, he’ll be so jealous of their semester

has wicked good eyesight, 20/20 vision which is great on the track but he also has really good aim on a shooting range, he’s a pretty observant person as well 

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

BROTHERHOOD CONNECTIONS. Someone who also had someone close to them (likely a family member) that was also arrested for being involved with the Brotherhood by the strike team. Both Ricky and your muse are dealing with the shock of this together. 

FAN? SOMEONE WHO FOLLOWS RACING? Someone who watched Ricky’s rise and fall from grace by being invested in F1. It would make sense if they were a big fan of Ricky’s grandfather...and Ricky is the disappointment. Idk someone with predisposed opinions on Ricky. 

PARTNER IN CRIME. The two of them just vibe like immediately they both have the same chaotic energy and encourage each other’s recklessness to take chances and do stupid shit, are probably hilarious and can’t take anything seriously when they’re in the same room together, the kind of friends that other people can’t stand to see them together.

WHOLESOME FWB. They get along really well as friends and mainly just need to scratch an itch sometimes. None of that toxic shit, they probably lay around and talk about their crushes and are actually friends.

CONFIDANT. Late night rooftop conversations, this person can get Ricky to open up, is probably someone who is really chatty and comfortable with their own emotions and they encourage Ricky to be open about his. 

INFATUATION. Ricky doesn’t know your muse at all, just sees them in the hallway and thinks they’re super hot, probably an older and unattainable student that wouldn’t give him a second glance but he’s like...this is my future spouse. They just don’t know I exist. Has never talked to them and they might not even vibe if they ever spoke lol. 

ENEMIES? They simply don’t! Get along? Hate at first sight? They see Ricky smoking a blunt on campus and think he’s stupid irresponsible? He doesn’t remember their name when he should have? He makes a stupid immature comment that rubs your muse the wrong way? Any of the above, ready to fight at any moment. 

RACING BUDDIES. Another driver’s ed student who is willing to race with him after hours or practice together, they both wanna fuck the cars, they both are super competitive and bring that out in each other. 

OLD FAMILY FRIENDS. Their parents knew one another, likely on his dad’s (Blackthorne/spy) side, and they grew up closely. After the kidnapping happened, your character’s parent stopped speaking to the Alonsos and distanced themselves. Your character is probably the only one who knows about that part of Ricky’s past in any detail. 

GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT. Ricky tried to flirt with your character but actually wound up pissing them off by seeming like an entitled white boy, which he is. He’s trying to prove to your character that he’s not so bad! This connection has nothing to do with feet I just had no better ideas for a name I hate feet. 

REALLY BAD SEX. your muse has ricky saved in their phone like [link]...prob a hookup that happens on one of the first days after he heard about his dad but...he’s fucked up and sad and he can’t get it up! It’s literally so embarrassing, maybe they’re both embarrassed, he wants to die when he sees ur muse around bc they saw his limp ass sad boy dick.

CAT AND MOUSE TYPE THING. essentially ricky has a bunch of attempts to flirt with your muse & your muse fucking hates it. Tom and jerry but like, if tom wanted to fuck jerry. I think of this gifset. 

[xherbivorex]

The Genesis.

Hello.

For my entire adult life, I have suffered from mental illness. Probably longer, in fact, at least as far back as my early teens. But I didn’t realise this, let alone accept or admit it (even to myself) until recently.

And this is the first time I am opening up in public about it.

I have wanted to write this, wanted to talk to someone, anyone, for quite some time. But despite all the recent upsurge in societal openness about mental health, it’s still really fucking hard to come clean, possibly especially for men (however now is not the time for me to get into that).

Let’s start here (although it’s not the beginning)- I’ve not been a particularly nice person for a long time.

Actually, that’s not true; I have, but I’ve been hidden, buried beneath the illness that’s caused me to struggle with everyday situations that most people probably find totally normal, things like going shopping for food, walking down a busy street, standing in a queue to get into the cinema etc. I’ve spent my life putting it down to me just not being built to do well in groups of people, and whilst that’s highly likely to be true I don’t have to let them affect me in such a negative, destructive way as it has done. That’s the illness that causes such a reaction- anxiety kicks in and the fight or flight response totally takes over in even the most non-threatening of situations often resulting in defensive outbursts towards those closest to me and on more than one occasion over the years it’s ended up with catastrophic consequences. 

And yet I still didn’t recognise, acknowledge or address root cause despite how many relationships, both social and intimate, have been left in tatters over my life.

The irony in this, the effect all of this has had on those around me, is that I now realise it could probably all have been avoided if only I’d put myself first. That is, self-care. Standing up for myself. Saying “no” more often. That kind of thing. All of these are ideas that have come to the fore lately with the growth in understanding of mental health issues, just how prevalent they are in society and the methods we should employ in order to defeat our demons according to all those books available now.

But doing that would have meant I’d be making myself visible, and that’s the very thing I’ve spent my entire life trying to avoid at all costs, so this is where we get to the beginning of the story.

Mrs Bell was my teacher in the 4th year of what was then called Infant School, so I’d have been 7 or 8 years old. This is really hard to write down, but I remember it vividly; I was very good at reading, at one parents’ evening the school told my mam and dad that they’d ran out of books for me to read! I was into sci-fi and ghosts, outside of school I was reading a lot of Dr Who novels and the Armada Ghost Stories anthology paperbacks you could get back then in the mid 1970s. Anyway, that’s a slight digression.

They used to have us stand up in front of the class to read chapters from the books we were all reading. I’m not aware of any of the other kids doing this, but I would always clear my throat first prior to commencing reading and at some point, Mrs Bell began to imitate me. This eventually brought it to the attention of the entire class, and most (if not all) of the other kids joined in. It was fucking horrible; I wasn’t doing anything wrong was I? So why were they all taking the piss?

I didn’t remember telling anyone about it but I spoke to my dad today and he said they knew, but didn’t realise it was having such an effect on me (and at the time, although it upset and hurt me, I had no idea how far reaching and long lasting those effects would be).

So I buried it, but the damage was done; the crack had begun to open. There was nothing significant for the next 3 or 4 years, I was good at almost all of my classes except for P.E. which I was okay at, but physically too small to make any waves and get into any teams which, in all honesty, suited me since it lessened the chances for people to notice me and I’d realised by that time that I didn’t want/need to draw attention to myself. Somewhat paradoxically, however, I was one of the few boys in my school with long hair by then, which in itself probably drew a degree of (unwanted) attention!

The out and out bullying began at around the age of 14. A specific group of kids were responsible for most of it, at first just name calling but there were a few physical assaults. I tried to fight back at times, after trying to tell the school it was happening and them basically saying it was all in my head, but eventually it was clear that the fighting back was futile, it was safer and easier to flee.

Many of the details of these days are missing from my memory, in part because I had began to drink alcohol to numb things, but I do recall in a Maths class finally reaching breaking point and hitting a kid twice my size over the head with the entire top of my desk, which finally caused the school to listen. No serious harm was done (to him, physically, and he and I went on to be friends a year or so later), but the bulk of the bullying fizzled out. At least, during school hours; there were several incidents on my way home, at home (kids trying to force their way into the house when my parents were out!), evenings/weekends…

Anyway, skip a few largely uneventful (in terms of significant events anyway) years and I managed to perfect the art of underachieving compared to what I knew my potential was, in order to remain anonymous. I mean, I say “perfect”; this also allowed the anxiety to build to (at times) crippling levels, depression to set in and both to fuel the other in a vicious and destructive cycle that has essentially defined my adult life. And it’s very painful to admit/accept, because I lose me way too often to it and usually results in hurting the people I love the most in the world, including me.

There’ll be more to come but this has been exhausting to write, however I had a significant breakdown last night, ended up in hospital and opened up completely to mental health staff (also exhausting), thus beginning to finally get me back.

Any of you that I have hurt, been a dick to etc etc- you’ll never know how sorry I am and I hope I can make it up to you some time.

Love,

Andrew.

[bufanzi]

QIN COMPLIATION

( left to right: bu fan, yue yue, xiao yu, ling chao, mu ziyang, bowen)

Yue yue

his real name is yue minghui 岳明辉 !! (92-liner) 

nicknames include 老岳 (lao yue; old yue) & 岳叔 (yue shu; uncle yue) & 中年岳 (middle-aged yue) . PLS LET YUE YUE LIVE. 

used the name 岳岳 as a stage name bc of the way it sounds & its easier for people to remember ; PINKRAY

he went by the name joey yue while studying overseas lmao

有背景有文化的团长 （ A leader with sophiscated background and culture )

Cold city boy from beijing

Engineering student!!! from Nanjing University of Aeronautics & did masters in glasgow uni!!!!!! V v v smart!!!

Great english, British accent sorta ( listen to him speak x x )

HAS A CUTE FANG TOOTH

Will trade fatty meat for lean meat if u ask

TATTOOS (I THINK THERE’S A WOLF ONE, THE ONE W AN ANCHOR+OCTOPUS not sure though :c not enough HD pics to verify ;;)

Basketballlll

Wants to collab w eminem one day

Looks up to eminem, dr dre & ice cube

STEALS MU ZIYANG’S CLOTHES VERY OFTEN (there was this vid once when yue yue was choosing btwn 5 outfits and mu ziyang was like “can u at least put one of ur own outfits in the 5”)

Voted as naggy lmao (was asked by mu ziyang whether 1 ton of iron or 1 ton of cotton is heavier, and he talked to ziyang about it for 2 hrs about the question isn’t logical cause the experiment must be held in the same conditions, the air etc etc)

His hair is a birds nest & cannot be maintained + he uses the company’s hair dryer (which actually belongs to ling chao) to do his hair

Likes to eat everything, not picky with food :”) 

THE ONE THAT ALWAYS STEALS FOOD FROM OTHERS. 

DRAMA QUEEN 

became bufan’s “woman” in IP aft the gang initiation LOL

yue likes to have clothes with holes in weird places, so i think that’s why he always wears ziyangs’s clothes 

his underwear is still outside the window ledge/roof on their old qin dorm c: 

can drive!!! has a car!!!! drives a honda w a super cool license plate number ahah 

lmao wanted to set up an emergency fund for the himself and the boys because they are always getting their salary deducted HAHAH (+ it was said that ling chao has the most money bc he listens the best and is always on time)

plays the guitar!!! 

has a tentacle fetish lmao 

initially his dad wasn’t supportive of him becoming a trainee so he secretly went to idol producer without his dad’s knowledge (his dad didn’t even know what he was doing at qin ent) but rn his dad rlly supports him!! 

yue yue’s fans call themselves 岳妻 (yue yue’s wife) 

Mu ziyang

PROFESSIONAL MODEL

His real name is li zhenyang 李振洋 (94-liner) 

his stage name 木子洋 is cause his surname 李 is formed from 木子 then they added the 洋 ; KWIN

Fans call him 小懂事 ( which means something like a sensible kid )  

Walked in milan fashion week!!!!!! WALKED FOR MANY BRANDS!!!! THIS KING

FANS CALL HIM QIN’S CLOSET/SPONSOR :”)

Also said he managed to walk for the show that he most wanted to!!!!

WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL AS BUFAN (Beijing Institute of Fashion Technology) (and was schoolmates with dong yanlei) 

Scared of ghosts cause his mum used to tell him that ghosts will snatch him away if he misbehaves

says he isn’t of haunted houses, but then asks ling chao to hug him tightly when walking though it lmao

SCARED OF CRABS BC HE THINKS THEY ARE UGLY (this idiot lmao)

he’s scared of everything :)

PAID BUFAN 50 YUAN TO FEED HIM CRABS

LIKES TO DO “BUSINESS” ie trade stuff with ling chao so that ling chao will do his bidding

Rlly sad but mu ziyang got srsly sick during ip first evals and had to do iv drips until his hands were all bruised cause of the needle marks :c

Lmao this idiot thinks 3/6 > 3/5

wants to work with Leonardo DiCaprio

he can’t stand people sitting on his bed

“It’s not that the pyjamas are expensive, I’m expensive” 

Sang 越战越勇 on before!! 

lowkey was upset he didn’t get balloons on his birthday while yue yue got a wall of happy birthday + star balloons HAHAHA

roommates with yue in the qin dorm

threw yue’s underwear out the window bc yue forced it over his head :”) & its stuck right outside the roof at their old dorm

bought a tank for loaches/mudfish & only realised that it wasn’t meant for fishes after putting the decorations and water in it... 

apparently has a driving license 

once while driving a motorcycle, the battery died & he used a strangers phone to call yue yue. then yue yue had to come pick him up with his car. since he had the motorcycle, ziyang sat on the motorcycle and held on to the car handle & they drove back like that lmao

can play the piano!!!

THE ONE THAT DISSES LING CHAO 

THERE WAS THIS ONCE POST ON DOUBAN where mu ziyang bought ALL the buns from the convenience store & zhu xingjie came a while later and wast stuck at the store cause he had to wait until the next batch was ready lmao

Had a huge knee surgery during his trainee period :c (the boys also visited him in the hospital) + also sad bc qin3 went for a huge seafood feast at home when mu ziyang was stuck eating hospital food

before leaving the dorms he went with ling chao to the convenience store to buy food bc he says ling chao is kinda picky with his food so he doesn’t eat much & he isnt’t able to take care of him anymore now that he’s eliminated so he used up all his remaining money to buy food for him

after being eliminated, he and yue yue went to play HAHAHA

Bu fan

his real name is bu fanfan 卜凡凡 (96-liner)

the boys call him 凡子 (fan zi), where 凡 is from his name and 子 is a term of endearment :”) 

used bu fan as a stage name because he thinks bu fanfan is too cute lol; KATTO (PRONOUNCED AS KA-TOO)

192cm 对 cant play basketball though

LOVES DOGS, HUSKY

ACTUALLY DIDNT GRAD FRM SCHOOL YET :c he said his parents are pushing him to continue to study but nonetheless support him as an idol

HAS AN OLDER BROTHER (10 YEARS AGE GAP)

CLINGY

LOVES TO CRY ( crise a lot when doing stretching)

Voted most scared of pain

Once got caught eating a melon & got punished :c (+ he always steals melon from the fridge & doesn’t even close the refrigerator door afterwards...) 

Always late for work apparently until there’s no more salary to be detected

HIS ACTUAL MINK JACKET IS ACTUALLY JUST A BATHROBE

apparently owes ziyang money & gave him a rap perf for money lol

Once helped an old auntie neighbour buy a new phone bc hers was old and was about to spoil 

When asked if he likes girls with short hair or long hair, this boy said he doesn’t like any & likes computers instead lmao

He can’t stand low qualiy movies, it has to be in HD

when he becomes rich and successful, he’s going to help the manager xiao yu do some intense stretching lmao 

“ everytime bufan goes to the subway, the authorities will always check his ID ” - yueyue 

Has a wall of demoralising quotes back at the qin dorm ( iconic quotes include: “being ugly is a disease” & “the reason why you drink chicken soup is because other people have already ate the meat” & “all roads lead to rome, but some people are born in rome” )

“ 家爆脸 ”- zhou yanchen

HIGHKEY LOVES YUEYUE A LOT this sweet child tried his best to protect yue’s cake from being eaten cause he wanted yue to take a photo with it first ( in qin ent, it was said that the only way they get food is to snatch from others, so that cake was NOT safe with mu ziyang and ling chao around )

MORE INSTANCES OF HIS LOVE FOR YUEYUE, HE WILL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF IF U DISS HIS YUE :”) just look at bufan getting triggered when zhou rui mentioned about yue’s eye wrinkles

Also, he called yue yue disgusting cause yue yue didn’t come back at night & went to sleep in another trainees room ( he’s jealous )

Leader of a gang (current known members include ( xiao gui, fan chengcheng, yue yue & xu shengen) 

got tricked to eat a sichuan chilli by yue yue poor thing

KING OF SEAFOOD 

once a deliveryman misread his name as 小凡凡 (xiao fanfan) instead of 卜凡凡 (bu fanfan), then got dissed by the mu ziyang saying “omg why do u call yourself that” 

I think bufan has a habit of saying the word 对 (dui) after a sentence, its pretty cute :”)

according to ziyang, bu fan thinks he’s the smartest in the group 

has a habit of calling people 宝宝 (baobao) & 宝贝 (baobei) which means baby/babe

outed yue yue as the only one that wears mu ziyang’s clothes (when asked if mzy was really qin’s closet, he said that our group has 4 people, ling chao and I never wear mzy’s clothes)

Ling chao

His real name is li yingchao 李英超 (01-liner)

his stage name came about bc if u say his real name really fast ‘李英 (li ying) will sound like 灵 (ling) ; DIDI (lmao when he’s old he’s still going to be called didi)

call him 弟弟 (di di; little brother) or  小王子 (little prince)

Loves his candies & would probably fight u for it

Hides candies in so many diff places/compartments lmao

got a toothache bc of said candy

sings really well!!!! 

SAYS HIS FAV CELEBRITY IS 黄晓明 (& angelababy)

HAS A YOUNGER SISTER BUT THINKS HE’S STILL THE PRETTIEST IN THE FAMILY

Receives the most love from the other boys :”) ( they have a rule where the plate with the most meat goes to him )

roommates with bu fanfan

Always seen with mu ziyang ( the true otp )

Doesnt like meat with fats

CAN DO SPLITS!!!!!!! & ALSO SPLITS WHILE DOING A HEADSTAND

HAS THE NICEST LOOKING EYES

is an idiot. he went to a korean restaurant & told ziyang that the “spicy cabbage” wasn’t tasty and he preferred kimchi instead. BUT THEY ARE THE SAME THING. 

he likes white roses

likes cats!! 

likes to scare chickens (& got scolded for it)

during break time, he has to memorise Chinese vocabulary ( and is taught by the company’s ceo!!!!!!)

i think he sticks with ziyang the most! ;; (obvs they are the superior ship)

BROUGHT ZIYANG TO SEE THE TALKING TRASH BIN JUST TO MAKE ZIYANG SCARED. 

shittiest luck HAHAHA (bufan+lingchao team and yueyue+ziyang team had to draw lots to see who gets to sleep in the room and who sleeps outside in the living room, and ling chao always loses)

GETS DISSED FOR HAVING NARROW SHOULDERS 

printed his own picture on a pillow then said it was “given by fans” 

had a writer/blogger/reviewer kind of site where he wrote stuff 

looks up to xukun and zhangjing the most in ip!

 “ if your 3 qin brothers become a girl, who would be your older sister, younger sister and girlfriend? ” LING CHAO: NONE BECAUSE ALL OF THEM ARE UGLY

GETS HIT BY ZIYANG A LOT LMAO 

ling chao’s fans are called 糖精 (tang jing; candy spirit) because of his love for candy

小于 (xiao yu)

BC221’s manager!!!!!!!!! (Also helps then stretch)

very sassy & playful

older than all of the qin boys ; had to work for 4 years before attending university

he’s almost always the camera man for bc221′s trainee life videos!!!! (its either him or bowen)

Came off as a little mean in the video where the boys were stretching :c but honestly he just rlly wants the best for them

Stays with the boys in their qin dorm!!!!!!

Went to the same university with mu ziyang!!! (& says mu ziyang stole his snacks, face masks, shoes, clothes, socks etc); they probably graduated the same time cause they were classmates! 

Sometimes ppl call him 小鱼 (yu) ( word play; means little fish ) & mu ziyang called him 热带鱼 (tropical fish)

When yue yue got in trouble for playing computer games, he called xiao yu handsome and he laughed & immediately stop scolding yue yue LOL

yueyue likes to diss him lmao 

Gives ling chao sweets!!! (doesn’t give bufan and yueyue bc they apparently dont listen to him lmao) 

said to bufan : “IS BEING TALL EVERYTHING??? HUH???”

“we always get scolded by our manager, the first day would pass by normally but then on the 2nd day we would get scolded” - yueyue & bufan

“excuse you? what was that about your manager scolding you everyday? its called a heart to heart talk” 

a fan sent pig feed to the company & he said he was going to save it to give to the boys as a birthday present

WROTE MU ZIYANG IS THE UGLIEST AND LEFT IT FOR ZIYANG TO FIND 

yue yue calls him 小于帅 a lot. 

followed yue yue to his home to visit lao yue’s mum :”) helped yue yue carried the luggage up the stairs

went Thailand with yue yue and mu ziyang after eliminations!

got dragged by bu fan into the toilet  (bu fan said it was xiao yu that pushed him inside but there’s video evidence HAHAHA)

Sadly no longer part of QIN’s entertainment anymore

博文 (Bowen)

lives with the boys apparently

Shorter than the qin4 and xiao yu ahaha if you see the video angle being lower compared to others, then its bowen filming (fans call it the girlfriend angle lmao) 

I think he’s qin’s video editor/photographer!

currently now part of qin’s one man subbing team rip bowen

passive aggressively posting on weibo whenever xiao yu posts updates on their Thailand adventure bc they didn’t bring him along hahahah

he has a cat called 棉裤 (cotton pants), mu ziyang hates this cat because 棉裤 always climbs on his bed

[missingverse]

Missing Chapter Three

He had stopped for ice cream with Gerald on the way home. They'd been at the pier most of the day and only headed for home when their skin started feeling warm. He wasn't expected back long before dusk, Grandma would leave a plate in the microwave for him. They stopped for ice cream, and the sun was just starting to set when he put his key in the door and realized that something was off.

The police officers had parked the squad car across the street, he hadn't noticed it at first. He heard them murmuring in the front room before he saw them.

Something's happened to Grandpa.

Arnold's thoughts raced, his heart hammered painfully.

“That'll be him now,” Phil said from the front room.

Not Grandpa then. Grandma.

But no, he could hear her familiar half-step bustling around in the kitchen.

Ernie? Mr Hyuhn? Oskar?

“Arnold? These men want a word wit'cha....” Phil called.

They wouldn't talk to me if it was someone in the boarding house. Someone I know then. A kid.

He swallowed, hard, and made his way to the front room.

The officers were young, friendly-looking (probably why they were on this duty.) They smiled at him as he gingerly sat on the chair across from them. Somehow that made things worse because he knew he wasn't in trouble, and that meant someone else was.

“Hey there Arnold,” the sandy-haired officer started. “No need to be worried, son, you're not in trouble or anything.”

“What's this about?” he asked, bluntly.

“Do you know a girl named Helga Pataki?” the dark-haired officer asked, holding out a picture Arnold didn't even look at.

Helga?

“Yeah,” he stammered. “She's my....she's in my class....”

“When was the last time you saw Helga?”

“Um....” he combed back through his memories, trying to find her in there somewhere. “Thursday. I saw her after school. Crossing the street.”

“That the street near the corner store?”

“Yeah...”

The sandy-haired officer scribbled notes in a small writing pad.

“Was she alone?”

“Yeah... I mean, she left school with Phoebe but when I saw her she was by herself...”

The officers exchanged a glance when he mentioned Phoebe, but he couldn't tell what was meant by it.

“She wasn't in school on Friday...we all figured she was sick.”

No-one had been particularly worried, except for Phoebe who had been sending messages on her phone during every class break with a tense look on her face. Arnold thought it was strange at the time, for all of two minutes, before he got distracted.

“Thank you Arnold, that's very helpful,” the dark-haired officer said, putting the photo away. “I just have a few more questions and then we'll be on our way. Did Helga have a boyfriend you knew of?”

Boyfriend? She's eleven!

“No,” he answered. “I mean, there was some guy on the baseball team but she wasn't really interested...that's what I heard, anyway.”

“Right,” the dark-haired officer said, pointing something out on the scribbled notes to his colleague. “Do you know if she had any problems at home?”

Yes. Everyone knows.

“Well...” he began. “Her dad is kind of a jerk....and her mom forgets things sometimes....”

They exchanged a look again.

“You noticed any injuries on Helga lately, Arnold?” the sandy-haired officer asked. “Bruises, cuts, burns...that kind of thing?”

“No,” he said immediately, but then thought about it properly because actually, he had. “She had a few scrapes and she had a black eye for a while, but she said it was from baseball.”

She had said it with such flippant conviction that everyone bought it. Or maybe they bought it because they desperately wanted it to be true.

“I see,” the sandy-haired officer said, closing his notebook. “Thanks for that, Arnold, it's been very helpful.”

They started to get up, and in a panic Arnold blurted out his own question.

“What's happened to her? Is she okay?”

The sandy-haired officer smiled, kindly.

“She never made it home Thursday evening,” he said. “We're checking every lead we have. I'm sure she'll be found soon.”

…..

Helga wasn't there when Arnold woke up, she left a puddle of blankets on the sofa behind her. His stomach dropped, but then she strolled right through the door, fussing with her hair.

“I took a shower,” she explained flippantly, even though she looked as dry as ever.

“Do ghosts take showers?” he asked, the sudden adrenaline rush wearing off.

“They do now,” was her response.

He half-wondered if she had undressed to shower, and at the sudden blush that he could feel blooming across his face he turned away from her before she could notice.

He showered, dressed and shoved three slices of toast down his throat with Helga shadowing close behind (though she kept a respectful distance while he was showering and dressing). She was eager to get going, she kept tapping her shoeless foot off the wall impatiently.

“Gotta take a look at them pipes,” Phil muttered as he passed by them in the hall.

“I'll do it later Grandpa,” Arnold promised. “I got plans today.”

“You said you'd look for those cracks too,” Phil said. “I'd do it meself but you know with my knees...”

“I found the cracks and covered them already,” Arnold lied, stealing a glance at Helga. “Sorry, I thought I told you...”

The boarding house was in worse need of repair than ever, old as it was Phil had kept it ticking for a long time, but with his advanced age hindering him more and more it mostly fell to Arnold to do any of the tough jobs, when he had time. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't spent a weekend away from the boarding house since he was twelve. No wonder Gerald didn't want to hang out with him anymore.

“I'll take a look at the pipes when I get back,” he promised again. “I gotta go to this thing today, it's really important.”

With a reluctant sigh, Phil waved him off. Arnold marched out the door and grabbed his bike from under the stoop, Helga trailing close behind him.

“We're not going to bike all the way, are we?” Helga asked, poking his bike with her shoeless foot. “You said it was thirty miles away.”

“Of course not,” Arnold told her in a whisper. If anyone saw him talking to her they'd think he'd gone nuts. “We're taking the train. We're going to bike to the places you were last seen first, see if it jogs your memory.”

“Huh....not a bad idea, Football Head,” Helga said. “Colour me surprised.”

He smiled, despite himself. She was sounding more like herself now.

“You'll have to sit here,” he said, pointing to the basket on the front of the bike.

She frowned, and he thought for a moment she wouldn't go for it. She was small (not as small as her eleven-year-old self but not that much bigger either), it would be a tight fit but the only other option was sitting her on the crossbar and that was strangely intimate and a bit too much for Arnold to handle. But then she shrugged and clambered in, leaning on his arm (his skin tingled where her incorporeal hand gripped him).

“I feel like groceries,” she grumbled. He had padded the base of the basket but her knees were still up around her chest, her legs poking out over the side awkwardly.

“If it gets too uncomfortable you can ride the crossbar,” he offered, hoping she wouldn't take it.

“It's fine,” she shrugged. “Can we go?”

…..

At school, the kids had been blasé about the police coming to talk to them. They considered it exciting, even a little glamorous, to have a runaway in their class. Rumors spread, especially among the girls, about where Helga might have gone. Some whispered that she had an older boyfriend, some guy on the baseball team from a different school who was, according to who was telling the tale, between thirteen and fifteen. (Fifteen was too old for Little League, but why would that get in the way of a good story?)

Around the end of the first week since she disappeared, the glamour started to wear off. Phoebe came back to school, shaky and upset. The runaway shelters had been called and checked and no-one fitting Helga's description had shown up. Her phone wasn't reachable.

By the end of the second week they knew something was seriously wrong. Their parents monitored the radio and TV broadcasts, jumping up to switch them off at any mention of the case. No more rumors were floating except for the worst; her father had finally killed her, or her older boyfriend had. The school counselor announced that his office was always open for anyone who needed to talk to someone.

Near the end of the third week, the shoe was found in the drainage ditch thirty miles out of Hillwood. That was how they knew for certain something awful had happened to Helga, and the time for rumors and speculation was over. It was replaced by a sort of horrified numbness, that they had never experienced real horror and had no idea how to react to it.

Everyone took it differently. The girls in the class collectively experienced a sort of hostility towards the boys, for no clear reason they could explain. The boys, together and individually, had aspects of their personalities magnified by discomfort. They all became louder, cruder. Gerald became more nonchalant, to the point of unfeeling. Harold took a level in cruelty. Eugene's myriad illnesses piled up until he was allergic to living itself. And Rhonda, whose entire life had been dedicated to some mysterious social status, abruptly cut off every single friend in her life and talked to nobody.

Phoebe was falling apart, but nobody knew what to do about it. And why would they? They were just kids.

…..

They circled the elementary school, but Helga only had hazy recollections of time spent there. They passed the empty lot, and she remembered playing baseball there but only distantly. Arnold's bike nearly knocked against the Jolly Olly man's truck (and he got yelled at) but she didn't seem to remember him at all.

He stopped at the corner store (as she had done) and bought a bag of chips and a soda (as she did) and when he walked back out she was staring hard at the movie theatre.

“Something caught your eye?” he asked.

“That's not right,” she said, pointing at the theatre. “It doesn't look right.”

���It was re-done three years ago,” Arnold told her. “New management.”

“Oh,” she said, looking sheepish.

“That's good, right? You remember what it used to look like. It means we're on the right track.”

“I guess.”

Slowly, as they passed the different spots that denoted a Hillwood childhood, she recognized things he wouldn't have thought of. The park had new gates that locked electronically and were taller than the old ones. The skating rink was gone and a new extra-large grocery store in its place. The Donut Cafe expanded and now sold churros, cupcakes and smoothies.

“Is that Rhonda?” she said suddenly as they flew past the cafe.

Sure enough, it was Rhonda. Tapping away on her phone as usual, bored and irritated, dressed in sleek shiny clothes that were probably the height of fashion. She didn't even look up as Arnold's bike passed her.

“Yeah, that's Rhonda,” Arnold said.

“Why didn't you say hi? Isn't that what you usually do?”

That was what he would have done, when he was eleven. Not at sixteen.

“She's different now,” Arnold responded.

“Different how?” Helga probed.

Meaner.

Crueler.

A lot less talkative.

“Different,” Arnold shrugged, and thankfully Helga dropped it. It was awkward, but no more awkward than having to badmouth a former friend to one who had been away for so long.

They boarded the train easily enough, Helga phasing through the gate with ease. She stared out the window on the way and stayed mercifully quiet, knowing Arnold couldn't talk to her while there were people around. But as the train began to empty, she began asking questions.

“You can nod, right? Make like you're listening to music or something,” she demanded.

Arnold glanced around. As they got closer to industrial farmland, there were only a handful of people around. He nodded.

“So Rhonda doesn't talk to you anymore? Does she talk to anyone?”

Arnold shook his head.

“What about Nadine?”

Nadine transferred out two years ago. They weren't friends anymore.

He shook his head.

“There was....whats-his-name....Henry? Harris? You know, the fat one....”

Harold he mouthed.

“Harold, that's it! Wasn't she sweet on him or something?”

Arnold shook his head.

“Is he still sweet on her?”

Arnold shrugged.

“Doesn't he talk about her? Or any girl?”

Not to me.

Anything Harold said about girls was done in a crude hoot and it was usually obscene. All the girls gave him a wide berth.

He shook his head again.

Their stop was the next one, and they disembarked to a wide dusty wasteland. The staff entrance of the farmland was locked up for the weekend, and no security guarded it. Arnold pushed his bike down the side of the chainlink fence, looking for the best way in.

“Does this look familiar to you?” he called to Helga, trailing behind him.

“No,” she answered. “Did we ever come out here as kids?”

“Not us, some of the sixth graders played hooky here when they were growing corn. Then they beefed up security.”

There was a small hole in the fence, just enough for Arnold to crawl through on his stomach. Helga phased through the fence. He lead her over to the drainage ditch, through the runnels of tilled dry soil. It hadn't rained in weeks, the very air around them felt bone dry.

“This,” Arnold said, holding up his printed-out picture of Helga's lost shoe for comparison, “is where they found the shoe.”

“Exactly here?”

There was no doubt in Arnold's mind, the rocks slatted into the sides of the ditch looked the same. It was marked off by a yard marker, twelve yards from the fence. It was as close as they were going to get to the exact location.

“Pretty much,” he said.

She hummed, wrapped her arms around herself, trailing her shoeless foot in the dust. She stared hard at the site, as though willing something to happen.

“It's not ringing any bells,” she mumbled, tilting her head to one side.

“Why else would your shoe have been here?” Arnold asked. “It was the only thing they ever found.”

Saying those words out loud filled him with a sudden, odd form of terror. It occurred to him that she was only here as a ghost on the whim of some mysterious force, and the shoe could very well be all anyone would ever find of her. A lump formed in his throat, and he tried hard to swallow it away.

Helga traced the ditch with her eyes, turning to see it run out under the fence, to where it was buried under the cement foundation of the train tracks, up through the overgrown green commons, up to the edge of the forest...

….suddenly she went rigid, and Arnold heard her gasp.

“What? What is it?” he cried, lurching to her side.

“The trees,” she whispered, shuddering so hard her form seemed to ripple in the air like heat waves. “I know those trees....I've been....”

She said something else, but it was silent. Her mouth moved, but no sound came out of it. She pointed a shaky finger at the woods, the hills that gave Hillwood its name, and then she blinked out of existence.