#actually i never understood how long exactly evolution takes?

[selfcarecap]

Pls everyone take care of their tailbone. I jumped on the sofa weirdly like 4 years ago AND IS STILL HURTS PLS TAKE CARE OF YOUR TAILBONES 😭😭😭

[class1akids]

Everyone asking you wether Shoto will beat or not his older brother but… he really needs to? Last chap gave us Tenko’s pov about his child question of “why couldn’t be saved?”

If we go back to the whole Todoroki family drama, Shoto understood his position and felt better after winning on Deku instead of losing. Endeavour got the mess he made always when he was winning - when he gained no 1 , when he beat High End. And he backpedal when he was losing - when Touya confronted him. Again, he had an improvement when he thought he was winning - realising he needs to keep living to focus on Touya. Namely even all of this others Todoroki went through similar on the lesser extent.

Fuyumi wanted a dinner together (= family reunited) , and the situation moved when Enji decided for building a new house - so she was “winning” but again not as she would have liked because his father again took a wrong path.

Natsuo was “winning” when he blunt to his father all of his feelings. But same as her sister, Enji did his thing again , so the change were started by “he talking his mind” but he hadn’t reached exactly what he wanted.

Lastly Rei. Being dismissed by hospital is the greatest win in her storyline. Even in drawing she was towering over his husband and she finally spoke her mind without a fear; yet this win is bittersweet because she finally speaks how everyone failed touya in a different degree.

So , what if instead Touya needs to win? Unlike Toga and Shigaraki he’s too stubborn and his plan never was long term , it was about going with a bang. It’s own funeral on his own terms. As Horikoshi wrote him, I really doubt that Shoto winning would serve anything because it would push him to work harder to prove his point - as it had happened just now, he had another evolution in the worse. It seems that anytime Todorokis desire for something , and they earn it and “win” they just found out it wasn’t really the point. Whatever target they achieve and win doesn’t really make them happy. Not saying touya will kill Shoto, nor that he will break him to win. Winning can take lots of forms, as we know Touya wants to “make a difference” and “be seen” most than anything.

Would you consider Touya “winning” as a good development of his or just nah? And if yes , what could he “win”?

I was thinking about it as Dabi vs Shouto has clear parallels to Midoriya vs Todoroki.

In that fight Deku clearly got through to Shouto and got the moral win because he got Shouto to use his fire, helped him unlock some memories and made him question what he was doing and why.

After that, Shouto went to see Rei and went to Endeavor for internship (both things he wouldn't have done otherwise) which then put him in a position to save Iida when Deku couldn't.

So if we follow that logic, in R2, Shouto would have to prioritize somehow Dabi's well-being (maybe teaching him how to turn down his fire / stop hurting himself) over a win, help him unlock some emotions and make him question his obsession with Endeavor.

Then I guess Dabi could confront Endeavor, see that things are not like they were, and then maybe show up to help Shouto when he's in a desparate fight.

But I think there is a fine balancing to be made here. Because unlike Deku who got many wins against actual villains, Shouto doesn't have much in the way of clear wins. He's still the protagonist of the Todoroki arc- not Dabi or Endeavor - so the writing will need to look at not only what works for Dabi's arc, but what works for Shouto's own journey to become the family hero and the reassuring hero who fits into All Might's legacy.

So Shouto being sacrificed for Touya's arc make no sense in my view and would make a huge injustice to Shouto.

It is a very delicate balancing Horikoshi will need to do in all three villain-hero pairings, because the heroes will have to get a win that feels like theirs as well as save their villain.

Deku's loss against Shouto came at a very different part of the manga (still at the beginning, and it paid off repeatedly in following arcs). But if Shouto loses here, only for Touya to later realize something about himself, it really doesn't work for Shouto's arc.

I could see Dabi getting away now (to go to Endeavor) after Shouto tries and fails to stop him, but manages to put in some impactful words, then Touya seeing the truth with Endeavor, realizing that Shouto was right and then coming to help him afterwards (e.g. if Shouto ends up in the UA siege scenario).

[andrewdaviesdesign2862]

Formative Presentation Script

Ok so the title of my project is ‘Broader Horizons’

Initially my focus was going to be designing for elderly smartphone users which was one of the main areas of focus in my exegesis, which was basically an exploration into ‘the evolution of modern-day interface and app icon design and how it operates within various user demographics’

But I decided to change my directory a little bit by focusing on HWM find a way to encourage older people to expand their social circles, in order to improve their health and wellbeing as current research indicates that about half of older New Zealanders experience some level of loneliness, and 8-9% feel lonely all or most of the time. Which is important because having inadequate social relationships has been shown to be as bad for health as smoking and loneliness has also been linked to an increased likelihood of entering rest home care.

I conducted several interviews with people over 50, talking with them about their friend groups and how they came to be, as well as how meeting new people and building/managing friendships later in life differs to when your younger.

As a way of synthesising the information I gathered in my interviews I played around with some empathy mapping as I wanted to ensure I understood exactly what my interviewees were trying to articulate in terms of what they said, did, felt and thought. 

Some of the key insights I gathered from this research were that:

The majority of people that the participants referred to as their friends, were actually more like extended family, as they, alongside most people of this age demographic, tended to have grown up alongside several other siblings, usually quite close in age, so a large portion of their friends were introduced to them by other members of the family, so they never really needed to independently go out and build external friendships and develop the desire/need to meet new people. So, I considered exploring HWM encourage people over 50 to independently meet/build relationships with people who are unassociated with family members?

Participants also stated that by the time they reached 50 they had lost contact with a lot of their external friends as most had moved to another country or city either for work or family as these tend to take priority over friendships at this stage in people’s lives. So, I considered HMW make long-distance friendships easier to maintain for people over 50?

Participants stated that their social life was at its peak while at school and uni as well as at some of the earlier places they worked and during this period of time they tended to of made more friends than at any other point in their life. But because things like social media which allow us to easily reconnect with people didn’t exist at that point in time, eventually they have become estranged from the majority of them because of increasingly limited communication over time.

So, for my final HMW I’ve chosen HMW find a way for people over 50 to easily reconnect with old classmates/colleagues in order to build new friendships/relationships?

In terms of ideation I just did a basic brainstorm of solution ideas which I could explore that would appeal to an older demographic - meaning users over 50

Some of these ideas were:

An app or most likely a website which:

- Allows older users to communicate with friends overseas

- Enables older users to connect with people of a similar age via mutual interests and community events

- Allows older single users to connect with each other in terms of dating etc.

At this stage for my solution I’ve chosen to develop a website catered and designed for users over 50, which is where a lot of the research I did last semester will come in handy, which enables people of this demographic who might be feeling a little bit lonely at this point in their lives, to easily reconnect and catch up with people from their past such as old classmates/colleagues/employers/neighbours that they have otherwise lost contact with over time and ultimately rekindle these relationships that were up until recently lost.

So, these are screenshots from my initial prototype so it’s just showing the process of how the user would come across the profile of someone they went to high school with.

So far, I haven’t gotten around to doing any user testing for my initial prototype but I’m aiming to that over the weekend.

My next steps include continuing with user testing and developing my prototype as well as doing a bit of research into competitors and school reunions and such.

[endlesslake]

Garden of Eden

In the story of Adam and Eve God forbade them from eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil (or knowledge of everything), but never expressly explains why. The nature of knowledge itself is interesting, if we question what accumulated knowledge affords us, it is the ability to reshape existence. That is what we do, when we speak of creating, we actually mean reshaping. Painting is reshaping color pigments, music is reshaping sounds, architecture is reshaping matter, ect.

In truth it is what all of existence does: Rearrange itself, to shape and form solar systems, planets, mountains, oceans, life, ect. Evolution is also a form of this. We became the dominant species on this world by learning how to replicate that on a lesser scale. We accumulate knowledge through observation, analysis and comprehension. That information is stored in our memories, and passed on to others through books and lectures. Over time it is refined, and new forms of thinking come into play, and each step allows us to reshape things in new ways.

The more our knowledge grows, the more we are able to reshape things. At it's peak we would be able to reshape all that exists in all it's forms. Such a feat would be second only to creation. That is the true potential of our knowledge, and perhaps why Adam and Eve were warned against it.

Knowledge would have come alongside something else as well, that is awareness. Sentience, is the ability to directly perceive things through our senses, the sun is bright, the wind feels cold, ect. Awareness allows us to predict/anticipate situations beyond direct perception by understanding the situation itself. Ie. if a phone rings, you know someone is calling because you understand the functionality of a phone. Self-Awareness is the flipside, to see "yourself" as an separate from all else. A good example would be a baby. A newborn reacts to things in front of them, but once it is removed from their sight they do not seek it, they can not comprehend that it still exists beyond their direct perception. They do not yet have that understanding. As long as there was food, water and a safe place, this would be akin to paradise.

With awareness however comes a caveat. Fear tagged along for the ride. With only sentience (direct perception), fear would only exist within the moment and nowhere else. When a threat entered the perception range of the creature in question, they would feel fear which would direct them to escape, or hide, or prepare to defend themselves as danger approaches. But once a creature becomes aware of situations beyond their direct perception and understands it (awareness), fear becomes unrestrained. It can exist anywhere the mind can imagine, and unless it is held in check, it takes over. As we progress through life and accumulate more knowledge, the scope of our thoughts grow, and fear along with it. It is why children can seem so carefree, but adults seem so worried.

I liken this to the moment Adam and Eve ate the fruit of knowledge. AKA the point when our ancestors went from being sentient, to self aware. Yet knowledge without understanding is dangerous and without truly understanding what we possess, or what we have done, we can not manage what we have. In that way fear invaded the garden, paradise, and it was no longer so.

This of course raises an interesting question: Where exactly is the Garden of Eden? There is only one place fear can exists, within the confines of the mind, nowhere else. Therefor I surmise that is also the garden. It makes sense if you consider: All we "know" of existence, all we perceive of our surroundings goes through it. Everything gets filtered through our mind, and formed into our thoughts and perceptions. If so, perhaps if we did a little gardening round our thoughts, cleaned it up, acknowledged our fear, understood things, we might find paradise again.

[mgmoments]

Growing Into Your Own

Diavolo | Obey Me!

Muscle growth, muscle worship, macro

Warning, NSFW

Your time spent with Diavolo was always some of your favorite. When you first arrived, little did you realize that the Lord of the Devildom would quickly become not only one of your closest friends, but even something a little more.

It wasn't uncommon for Diavolo to summon you to his opulent home for coffee, tea, or simply to spend the evening talking with you. Barbatos never seemed to mind the extra company, likely because it was good for the Master of the house to have someone else to talk to. That, and you were fairly good about cleaning up after yourself.

Today was no different. Diavolo had summoned you to his office to chat while he finished paperwork. Something seemed slightly off, however. You were never really one to notice the smaller details, but you couldn't help but take note at every time Diavolo tugged at his collar or attempted to pull his sleeves down.

"Dia, is something wrong? You've been tugging at your suit a ton since I got here," you asked, curious. He simply smiled.

"Ah, no no. Nothing's wrong. It's just...a touch tight. I suppose Barbatos must have shrunk it in the wash!"

"I assure you, I did not such thing Master Diavolo," Barbatos stated, entering the room to refill Diavolo's tea. "There is...another matter of concern. Perhaps our guest should depart so we might discuss this matter privately?"

Diavolo seemed ready to protest, but a sharp glance from Barbatos quieted him before he had the chance. He sighed. "I suppose it is getting late. I'll see you again tomorrow, yes? We can have one of those 'slumber parties' you said humans like to have!"

You laughed, but Diavolo simply beamed his bright smile. With no reason to protest, you gathered your things and headed back to the House of Lamentation. You couldn't help but wonder what exactly the two needed to discuss, however. Even more confusing is how it could possibly be related to Diavolo's clothing being tight.

"I'll be Barbatos just didn't wanna admit he messed up in front of ya," Mammon said at dinner that night. "Dude's obsessed with perfection, he just didn't want ya to think he was anythin' less than perfect."

Mammon squealed as Lucifer smacked him in the back of the head with a rolled up paper.

"There is a good enough reason why they needed to discuss matters without a human present, Mammon. It has little to do with perfection. It simply is not their business, or yours for that matter."

"Then you know what they're talking about?" You asked, knowing that Lucifer wouldn't tell you even if he did know. The frown that settled on his face was answer enough.

"Unfortunately," he replied, "Whatever this issue is it is one they've decided does not concern me. It is worth stating that Diavolo has been complaining about his clothing for some time now, at least a week. I'm surprised that it just now became an actual issue. Regardless, we all need to keep our noses out of royal Devildom business. Am I understood?"

You and all the brothers gave a quick nod. Lucifer smiled, and dinner continued. Despite everything, you couldn't shove the issue out of your head. In a way it was almost exciting to think about all the possibilities. Your mind raced with theories as you drifted off to sleep.

You returned to Diavolo's castle later the next day, only to be greeted by the towering demon dressed in a dragon onesie.

"What do you think?" he asked, turning around to show off the fine details, "I heard that humans dress in fun nightwear for events such as these, so I had Barbatos make this special. Is it nice?"

"I love it, Dia," you said with a smile, laughing at Diavolo's antics, "It suits you. Though, I see you more as a teddy bear than a dragon myself."

Diavolo smiled, and wrapped you in a massive hug.

Demons, on average, were already larger than humans. Even the relatively short Mammon and Asmodeus were still both slightly taller than you. Large demons like Beel and Diavolo, however, towered over you. You always considered yourself lucky that they were so kind, because you could only wonder how things would be if these two titans decided to use their size against you.

Diavolo's strong hand enveloped your own as he led you to his home theater like am excited child. He gleefully informed you of all the movies and snacks he had planned for the two of you as you both settled down into massive beanbags. Your seat didn't last long, however, as you were soon sitting comfortably in Diavolo's lap with his arms wrapped around you.

You both sat in quiet comfort watching some cheesy romcom when you felt something throb beneath you. You were taken aback- Diavolo wasn't the type to be...like that. Then you felt it again, realizing that Diavolo's legs appeared to be tensing up. Looking up to him, you noticed him wincing slightly. A small groan escaped his lips.

"Dia...? Everything ok?"

"Y-yeah. I...I think my legs are asleep is all. Let me just...urgh....stand up."

You rose from Diavolo's lap as he rose to unsteady legs. You couldn't help but feel like he looked slightly larger than before. It was subtle, but it was almost as if his onesie had begun to cling to him where it had once hung off of him.

Diavolo groaned again and nearly stumbled over as Barbatos entered the room with a new tray of food. Barbatos quickly placed the tray down and rushed to his master's side to hold him up.

"Is Dia ok, Barbatos? He seems out of it."

"The Master has simply been overworking himself recently, that's all. Exhaustion is beginning to get to him."

"No, Barbatos," Diavolo groaned, "It's finally coming, I just can't hold it back any longer. We need to be honest with them. They'll find out soon enough anyway."

"..Very well," Barbatos said, turning towards you. Diavolo sat back down as Barbatos began to speak.

"Lord Diavolo, as you are well aware, is lord of the Devildom. It is more than a title. You may consider it...something like a race. He is unlike the other demons you've met here. He is far more powerful, not simply because of his station but because he is naturally more inclined towards power. Part of his natural aging involves what you humans could almost consider a second puberty, a period of time when he finally fully matures and can be considered ready to take the crown of the Devildom for his own."

"What does...what does that actually involve?" you asked, watching Diavolo breathe heavily in his seat.

"You may have noticed the young Master tugging at his clothing recently. It's been a slow process thus far, but part of this evolution involves Lord Diavolo increasing drastically in physical size. This is no longer common knowledge, but Lord Diavolo's father was large enough to completely fill this room. Lord Diavolo will likely be that size when this process is completed, and based on what we are currently seeing, the process will be completed tonight."

"Wait, hold on! You're saying Dia is gonna completely fill this room tonight? Sure he's big, but he's nowhere close to being that big."

"It will cease being a slow process soon enough. Lord Diavolo is entering the final stage, and it will all happen relatively quickly. I recommend-"

Before Barbatos could finish, Diavolo let out a large groan. Both you and Barbatos' eyes snapped towards the demon prince as his entire body began to tremble and pulsate. The sound of tearing fabric began to fill the room as Diavolo's body began to push outwards in all directions. The onesie struggled to hold on as Diavolo's body began to tear through it, each muscle increasing in size and thickness. His feet were first to break free, tearing away Diavolo's slippers with his toes curling in seeming pain. His arms and legs followed, his swelling biceps and thighs tearing through the cloth like it was merely tissue paper. As each second passed, Diavolo's body grew larger and large with more and more muscle packing onto his steadily taller frame. His groans slowly became moans. The process was clearly no longer painful.

Sure enough, Diavolo's cock broke free of his pants and flopped about in front of him, throbbing half-erect. He breathed heavily as pre began to drip from the tip, the cock continuing to grow with his body. You felt your cheeks grow hot, embarrassed to watch the obscene display but finding yourself aroused by the process.

"L-love," Diavolo panted, his horns and wings erupting from his head and back, "p...please..."

You looked to Barbatos who was nowhere to be seen. With no one to tell you otherwise, you climbed Diavolo's powerful thighs and placed yourself atop his expanding lap. You wrapped your own legs around his cock, the entire thing reaching up to your chin, and began to stroke it gently with both hands. You carefully ran both hands over the tanned skin, feeling every muscle and tendon in the cock with care before steadily picking up the pace. The cock stood at attention, and Diavolo's entire body shuddered in response. Without thinking you placed your mouth around the tip as best as you could, and began licking. Diavolo moaned in ecstasy as the cock throbbed with newfound power in your mouth. You felt the pressure within slowly build until it erupted outwards. Unable to remove your head in time, a large amout of Diavolo's seed found its way into your mouth before you were thrown backwards from the force of the eruption. The cock continued to let loose powerful stream after stream of semen until the room was nearly completely covered in it. When the stream finally abated, you felt the massive body beneath you begin to relax.

You, however, were not finished. You rose from the cock and began to admire the rest of Diavolo's newly massive body. You ran each hand over his powerful new muscles, tracing every curve and line and taking the time to appreciate every individual muscle. Diavolo's body shuddered again as you reached his chest and rubbed each of nipples. A small moan escaped his lips. Eventually he seemed satisfied with your worship, and cupped you in a massive hand. Next thing you knew, you were sitting on his palm in front of his movie screen sized face, his golden eyes looking at you with adoration.

"Are you ok, my little love? I hope this all didn't come as too much of a shock to you."

You simply smiled, and brought your lips to his. The two of you exchanged the closest thing to a kiss you could, Diavolo's lips nearly engulfing your entire head. You pulled back and smiled at one another.

"I would like to apologize for ruining our sleep over, my love. And for...my unseemly behavior. Please do not think worse of me for it, and please know that even now I will never do anything to hurt you."

You knew. You'd known for nearly a year now that Diavolo would never harm you. If nothing else, tonight had simply shown you how much he truly cared for you. Life moving forward would be different for you both, but you never were one for doing things the normal way. You settled down in Diavolo's warm palm as something deep within your body began to shudder...

[chudleycanonficfest]

One Last Dance

Day 4, Story #1 is by @be11atrixthestrange

Title: One Last Dance Author/Artist: be11atrixthestrange Pairing: Jily  Prompt: Halloween Rating: T Trigger Warning(s) (if any): implied character death

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Harry was fussier than usual on Halloween night. Bath time was an ordeal, as Harry kept knocking the shampoo bottle out of Lily’s hand and splashing water at her. Afterward, the child almost refused to fall asleep; he wriggled in her arms and tugged on her hair as she swaddled him. Just because he couldn’t speak full sentences yet didn’t mean he couldn’t communicate; he did so with his eyes, and Lily swore there was a smirk on his face as she rocked and sang to him, until he finally drifted off.

Lily didn’t mind a fussy baby, in fact, she enjoyed the challenge. She cherished every extra moment with her child, and at exactly fifteen months, Harry’s newfound spunk was nothing but evidence of his emerging personality. He had her eyes, and she wondered if he’d get James’ messy hair, horrid eyesight, and infuriating charm. She grinned at the thought of a sassy and sarcastic Harry, star of the quidditch team, just like his dad. Or maybe he’d be more like Lily; sensitive and studious, top of his class, future Head Boy. 

Of course, there could be nothing remarkable about him at all. He could turn out to be average, maybe even terrible at sports, or join weird clubs and get below-average marks. Even then, if her son came home for the summer excited about a slew of ‘acceptables’, or stressed about Gobstones club drama, he’d still be the coolest person Lily knew. 

Whatever he turned out to be — head boy, quidditch captain, super-nerd, or even squib — Lily couldn’t wait to find out. It was funny how determined she had been to never admit her feelings for James Potter. Her feelings were always there, but that boy had to work hard for her affection. All Harry had to do was laugh, or sneeze, or wrap his tiny fingers around her pinky, and Lily was a goner.

With the stubborn child finally asleep, Lily shuffled downstairs to find that James had already cleaned up dinner in the kitchen and was pouring two generous glasses of wine, almost as if he read her mind. 

He beamed when he saw her — one of her favorite things about him was that he made no effort to hide his feelings, ever — and slid the glass across the countertop. 

“What’s the occasion?” she asked, raising the glass to her lips. It was bitter to the taste but relented into a friendlier, fruitier flavor once Lily committed to a sip. 

She never knew she could relate so much to a glass of wine. 

“Halloween,” said James. “I know you love it, and I’m sorry we couldn’t celebrate the muggle way.”

Halloween was always Lily’s favorite holiday growing up. There was something comforting about everyone’s sudden suspension of disbelief and willingness to face what scared them. She wished muggles would have embraced the paranormal every day, it surely would have made her life easier.

“It’s okay,” she said. “It has to be this way.” 

Lily wished they could hand out candy to trick-or-treaters, but the neighborhood muggles couldn’t see their home; not while it was under the Fidelius Charm. Staying hidden wasn’t what she had imagined when moving to a mixed-magical community, but for now, it was the safest option. The only option. 

James met her on the other side of the kitchen island, interrupting her thoughts with two fingers under her chin. “Definitely next year,” he said before tilting her head up for a kiss. 

Her eyes fluttered shut, and she smiled against his lips, wondering if Harry’s ability to make her heart explode was just as hereditary as his bright green eyes. There was something about those Potter boys that knocked her off her feet.

Maybe James was right, and next year, things would be different. They could get to know their non-magical neighbors, and Lily could take Harry trick-or-treating. He’d look so cute dressed up as a hippogriff, and no one would bat an eye when he’d insist it was a real animal. Kids say the darndest things, and on Halloween, anything was possible. 

“Next year, for sure.” Lily took another swig of her wine and relished in the evolution of its flavor, a delicious reminder that things change, sometimes so fast that she might blink and miss it. Things weren’t perfect by any means — they were in the middle of a war, after all — but there was no shortage of good in their lives. Not everyone could say they had a happy family, loyal friends, and really good wine. 

“Dance with me?” asked James, setting his wine down next to hers and tugging gently on her arm. 

It didn’t take much to lure her into the open space of the living room and settle into the crook of his neck. There was no music, but that didn’t matter; if there had been a beat, they would probably have ignored it anyway. 

“Do you remember the first time we ever danced?”

She nodded against his shoulder. Of course she remembered.

It was Halloween, sixth year, and James and Lily had been alone in the common room. 

“Happy Halloween, Lily,” said James as he approached her. “Today, you’re not a freak.”

Out of context, it might have sounded like senseless teasing, but it was so much more than that. She stared back at him, mouth agape, and wasn’t sure how to respond. It had been years — years — since they had talked about Halloween, and somehow he remembered a passing comment from her eleven-year-old self. 

“You remember that?” she asked, looking at him through narrowed eyes. 

It was her answer to an ice-breaker game during their first year — ‘what’s your favorite holiday and why?’ She hadn’t expected the confused stares at her response. In the muggle world, Halloween was the only day when she didn’t feel weird. Now, Halloween, and the fact that it meant something different to her than to everyone else, meant it was the only day when she did. 

However, she’d happily settle for one single day of being a freak; it was much better than three hundred and sixty-four.

“Of course I remember,” said James, smiling at her. His grin was electric, almost zapping through his messy black hair. Then, he reached out a questioning hand and raised his eyebrows. She stared back at him, wishing he would just use his words, yet she was impressed that with her, he didn’t need to. James always wore his thoughts on his face, in plain sight for the world to see, and never seemed to feel any shame or embarrassment for expressing them.

It touched a nerve for Lily, who had spent most of her life hiding. She longed for him to have to explain himself for once, to actually verbalize his thoughts instead of coasting by in his utopia where people just understood him. It wasn’t fair. “What are you asking, James?” 

“Dance with me?” he clarified. His voice was annoyingly calm and collected as if he knew she had been expecting him to elaborate, yet aware that he didn’t have to. He didn’t even flinch at her incredulous stare, confident in his request, as if asking her to dance was the most obvious progression to wishing her a happy Halloween. 

“Why?” She steadied her hands firmly by her sides, hoping James didn't see her fingers twitch toward his.

“To celebrate Halloween, of course.” His cheeks were rosy, his eyes sparkling, and his continued lack of reaction was curious. Despite her rejection, he committed to holding out his hand with confidence. 

“People don’t dance on Halloween.”

“I’m people, and I dance on Halloween,” laughed James.

She looked at his hand and considered it. Despite a few accidental brushes of her hand while taking notes or passing in the hallway, she had never actually touched him. And Lily had always been the curious type.

James followed her gaze to his hand and playfully wiggled his fingers. 

“Okay,” she said, placing her hand in his. His touch was gentle, firm, confident. It felt nice. “But there’s no music.”

“We don’t need any,” he said, pulling on her arm so that her body pressed up against his. It might have been too forward if she hadn’t fit so perfectly, but honestly, standing any further from him would have felt like sitting upright in a reclining chair. “If there was music, I’d probably ignore the beat, anyway.”

“You would?”  His soft voice immediately put her at ease in his arms, even though her palms were sweating and her heart was picking up its pace. “Why?”

“I’m too distracted,” he said. “Wasn’t expecting you to say yes.”

Lily laughed. “Then why’d you risk asking?”

“Anything is possible on Halloween, right?”

His arms tightened around her just then, not in a forceful way, just comfortable and supportive. She let herself get lost in the moment, swaying with James by the crackling fire, actually smelling, not imagining, his cologne, and feeling the prickle of his stubble against her forehead — when did that grow in? 

Maybe the next day, they’d go back to their usual dynamic, somewhere between flirting and arguing, annoyance and admiration. Or maybe, this would change things. There was something about the Potter boy and his messy black hair, unruly and uncaring, his glasses that should have made him look like a nerd but didn’t, and his annoying charisma that had an effect on her. It wasn’t a secret; they were both aware of it, yet neither felt the need to acknowledge it. At least not yet. They were so young, and they had so much time. 

“Was that when it all changed for you?” asked James, pulling her back to the present. “Is that when you finally gave in to my charm?”

Lily smiled at her husband. “Nothing changed that day. Nothing ever changed.”

James smiled, and Lily leaned into the sharpness of his stubble, a few lazy days unshaven. She melted against him and held him tight. Although his belly was softer, his voice was deeper, the circles under his eyes were darker, reflecting fifteen months of erratic sleep schedules, nothing about him had changed. 

The moment was broken by the sobering sound of a baby crying. Both Lily and James groaned as they pulled away from one another and swiftly turned their focus to their child. 

“I’ll put him back to bed,” said Lily.

“I can do it,” interrupted James. “You bathed him.”

Lily thought of the miniature James crying in his crib, and her heart clenched. It had only been minutes since she last snuggled him, and she already missed the child. “I really want to,” she said. 

James nodded, but his gaze was not on Lily. “Okay. I will meet you upstairs, then. I want to check the wards — I thought I saw some movement outside.”

Lily squinted at the window, her heart rate rising.

“It’s probably nothing,” said James.

Reaching for her half-full glass of wine, Lily nodded. “Alright, I’ll meet you upstairs. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

With one last glance at her husband, Lily made her way up the stairs toward Harry.

Harry, the child who always scrunched up his face when he slept, pursing his lips and crinkling his nose like he just ate a lemon. The boy with her eyes and James’ smile, who was already the best kid ever, even though his personality had yet to be determined. The kid who had a temper, but always calmed down the moment his mother wrapped her arms around him, the stubborn, determined one who could melt Lily’s heart with a single look. 

Her son, Harry, who she couldn’t wait to watch grow up, yet she hoped would never change.

[mypoisonedvine]

More Human Than Human | dark!Bucky Barnes x Reader (Blade Runner AU)

[for @nellblazer​‘s eighties-themed challenge!  thanks for hosting babe, sorry it’s slightly late!]

warnings: smut (noncon), choking, violence/guns/fighting, degradation, general nastiness.  and less importantly, just a shitload of gifs to create ~atmosphere~

word count: 3.5k

Early in the 21st century, the Tyrell Corporation advanced robot evolution into the Nexus phase --  a being virtually identical to a human -- known as a REPLICANT.

The Nexus 6 Replicants were superior in strength and agility, and at least equal in intelligence, to the genetic engineers who created them.

Replicants were used Off-world as slave labor, in the hazardous exploration and colonization of other planets.

After a bloody mutiny by a Nexus 6 combat team in an Off-world colony, Replicants were declared illegal on earth -- under penalty of death.

Special police squads -- BLADE RUNNER Units -- had orders to shoot to kill, upon detection, any trespassing Replicant.

This was not called execution.

This was called retirement.

“Officer Barnes.”

Bucky looked up from his instant ramen, extremely disinterested in interacting with his supervisor but aware that he didn’t have much of a choice.

“New lead on a hideout somewhere beneath the city.  One of the females from our favorite renegade crew of Off-world slaves.”

Bucky paused before responding.

“...somewhere?” he mumbled around a mouthful of noodles.

“I’ve already uploaded the coordinates to your vehicle.”

Bucky sighed quickly.  “Can I finish this first?” he asked, pointing to the noodles with his chopsticks.

“Intel’s fresh.  Let’s get there while it’s still accurate.  You know how quick they move.”

“Can’t someone else do it?”

The supervisor cracked a crooked grin, toothy and dirty.  Bucky grimaced.

“Come on,” the man suddenly became jovial, though his attempted manipulation was obvious, “you know you’re the best.  This has been a tough nut to crack, they’ve killed a lot of people and the other Blade Runners… they don’t have what you have.  They’re too green.  I need my best guy for this; I need the Winter Soldier.”

“You know I hate that name,” Bucky shook his head, “and I don’t like retiring the newer models.  They’re too… smooth.  Too real.”

“They’re not real,” the man assured, all friendliness lost from his voice as his impatience took over.  “And they’re dangerous.  Now get in the damn car and retire the bitch.”

Bucky sighed, tossing his half-finished meal into the trash and clipping his blaster back onto his belt. 

The bustling of the city was mostly muted inside the station, but once he stepped outside into the rain, he was bombarded with it all: the damp, wet air; the conversations of everyone passing by, mostly shouted into earpieces in languages he only roughly understood; the smell of exhaust, cigarette smoke, and stir fry cooking at a nearby food stall.  

He brushed past the crowds to make his way to the car lot, taking a slightly longer but less crowded route.  He was really good at ignoring things in times like this.  He ignored the noise that most would’ve found overwhelmingly loud, as well as the misty rain and humid night breeze.  

He ignored the shouts of someone in the distance as he got into the car, which turned its own engine as he scanned his badge.  The intel blinked onto the screen, informing him of the rogue units and their apparent location.  As he confirmed his route, he scrolled through the files.  The information was limited, the result of a recent hack on the LAPD’s computer system attempting to prevent exactly what he was doing now: hunting you down.

You navigated through the busy streets as you made your way back home after dinner.  You very rarely went out, fearful you would be spotted by someone important, but you had realized after months of hiding that if someone was going to find you, they would have by now.

Peddlers carried bags and baskets of ingredients-- all of them just repurposed and manufactured chemical byproducts-- past you along the sidewalk.  The food was the thing you really loved about Earth.  Off-world there was only basic, raw protein in bars.  You had only recently become aware that there was more to food than sustenance and survival, and even now you couldn’t imagine eating the same thing for every meal despite having done it your entire life. 

A lot of concepts were being introduced to you on Earth, in fact.  Earth was dirtier than your off-world accommodations.  More smoke, more dust.  After all, earth was the word for the dirt the planet was covered in.  There was no earth, no dirt, in space.  That didn’t mean it was clean, of course, but it was cleaner than this.  Now you were kicking litter to the side as you moved forward, ignoring strewn pieces of cardboard and scrap metal that gathered at the edges of buildings and roads.  

Where space had been empty and cold, Earth was alive but overwhelming.  The truth was, you realized now that beauty had come from your experiences off-world.  Not that it justified your enslavement, but you had experienced things you figured you never would again: community, for one. 

You could hear the dog barking as you opened your door, and he jumped up onto your legs in excitement.  It was impossible not to smile with this animal greeting you so excitedly; you understood now why humans liked them enough to keep creating artificial ones, although since you had found this one abandoned in the street, clearly they were manufacturing too many.

Shutting the door behind you, you grabbed the leash you kept draped with your coats, collaring the dog to take him for his last walk of the night.  As you left you glanced out your window, jumping up when you saw an LAPD car landing outside your building.  He probably wasn’t here for you, right?  You decided to take the back way out, but he was already ahead of you.  

Down the hallway you saw the figure of a man approaching you.  You could tell just by the way he walked that he was a Blade Runner, and your blood went cold.  The good thing about your model was that you blended in with humans.  You’d only gotten better at it in the past few months.  You just hoped you were good enough.

Turning and beginning to walk away, he waved you down and you froze, realizing it was too late to run.

“Is it real?” he asked as he stepped up and you turned to face him; for a second, you didn’t know what he was referring to, but then he looked down to the dog.  

You followed his gaze and laughed.  “If it was real, don’t you think I’d be living somewhere nicer than this?”

He looked at the door behind you.  “So you live here?”

You hesitated, and already he knew that you were going to tell him that you needed to be on your way.

He was a step ahead of you, flashing his badge quickly.  “LAPD business.”

“What… is the LAPD’s business with me?” you asked slowly.

“Why don’t you let me in and we’ll talk about it?” he suggested.

“I was just about to walk him--”

“It can wait,” he interrupted sternly, his expression hardening a little.  “Won’t take long, leave the dog outside.”

You nodded quickly, tying the leash to a handrail with your shaking hands; you slipped back into the apartment, shutting your door after he followed you in.

“So, officer…”

“Barnes.”

“Right.  Officer Barnes.  Would you like something to… drink?”

He shook his head, taking a seat at your dining table like he owned the place.  He motioned for you to sit across from him as if he owned you, too.  You did, because for all intents and purposes in this moment, he did.

The Blade Runner set his weapon on the table slowly.  

You swallowed dryly, looking at it before turning your gaze to the window, and the blue-green reflections of the city outside.  “It’s time for my retirement, huh?”

In the peripheral of your vision, he nodded.

“Did the others put up a fight?”

He paused before answering, like he was remembering.  Remembering the deaths of your friends.  “They tried,” he eventually said.

You looked down, taking a deep breath.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, but I may not answer.”

“Why do you do this?”

“It’s my job.”

“Yes, but, you don’t have to do anything.  I was a slave.  I really did have to do everything.  You have choice; you have an entire life to live.  Why would you spend it doing this?”

He laughed a little-- not so much a laugh as a sharp exhale through his nose, like you were delusional, like your opinion was a complete waste of his time.

“Nevermind,” you scoffed, “I know why you do it.  You hate us.  You think we’re all evil.”

He shook his head.  “Machines are like anything: good or bad.  If they’re good, they’re not my problem.”

“You think I’m a machine?” you asked incredulously, nodding to his bionic arm.  He winced, like he thought you hadn’t noticed, but even a leather jacket and biker gloves couldn’t hide his dirty little secret from you.  You were a little too observant for that.

“Lost this arm to one of your kind,” he explained with a scowl.

“I lost everything to your kind,” you hissed.

He smiled a little.  “You never had anything to lose.  You never had anything.”

“And whose fault is that?”

He shrugged.  “Not mine.”

You sighed with exhaustion; humans were all the same.  They spent all their lives deflecting blame, shirking responsibility.  “My name is--”

“I know your name,” he interrupted firmly.  “N6FQB21416.”

You grimaced.  “That’s not a name, that’s a serial number.”

“I don’t really give a shit about either.  What worries me is the offenses listed in your file.”  He cleared his throat as he recalled the list.  “Launched a mutiny which killed 14 men.  Stole a ship.  Illegally trespassed into Earth’s atmosphere.  Killed 8 more people in your journey from the port to Los Angeles.  And, presumably, you killed whoever was living here and have been squatting in their apartment ever since.”

You’d found it abandoned, actually, but there really wasn’t much point in disputing his claims.

He sighed before he spoke again.  “All this over a few more months?”

You looked away, trying not to think about how much time you’d wasted seeking liberation from the built-in expiration on a replicant’s lifespan.  It was ingrained in your DNA, you couldn’t stop it.  You had been living in denial of this for quite some time now and you preferred to keep it that way.

“You’re going to die either way,” he added coldly, “so why all this violence?  All the fighting?”

“Because for now, I’m still alive.  To live is to fight.”

“I guess I can agree with that,” he replied gruffly.

With that, you made a run for the living room-- there was a gun under the couch, if you could just reach it in time--

But he was already on you, laughing at your pitiful clawing on the floor.

“Officer Barnes, please--” you begged with the last of your thin breath.

“Call me Bucky,” he instructed as his hand wrapped around your neck.

Your mouth opened to speak, to gasp for air, but it was useless.

“You weren’t a laborer, were you?” he growled, pinning you down.  “You were a pleasure unit.”

You ignored his realization, continuing to attempt to fight.  

“You’re weak,” he hissed, “I’m amazed you’re even trying.  Don’t they train the fight out of you?”

He was right.  They had.  You’d been trained back into that instinct by the Resistance, but you weren’t made to fight.  You weren’t even made to work.  Your greatest purpose had always been to simply be beautiful and stay still.

“There are probably thousands just like you, you know.  Identical in every way,” he explained coldly.  “And you think you’re more human than me?  You’re a fucking skinjob.”

“Fuck you,” you strained as his weight knocked the air out of you, your hands clawing fruitlessly for something to grab onto.

“Give into your instincts,” he encouraged as you felt his hands grabbing at the top of your leggings.  

What was actually disgusting was that you did, for a moment, relaxing into his grip before your fight renewed again.

“Get off me!  I’ll fucking kill you, I swear!” you yelped.

You couldn’t see it, but you felt the business end of his blaster press against your head.  You stilled.

“You did this for years,” he reminded you.  “What’s one more time?”

“You’re gonna retire me either way,” you hissed.  

“Maybe I’ll let you live,” he shrugged.

“You’re a Blade Runner,” you shook your head.  “All you know is killing.”

“It’s not killing,” he insisted.  “You’re a replicant.  All you know is obedience.  Stay fucking still.”

You felt his weapon slide against your head a bit as he adjusted to holding it with one hand, the other moving to his belt.  

It was humiliatingly easy to slip back into the mindless slave you’d been before.  So much work to make you a freedom fighter, and it only took less than a minute to renege on it all.

You felt what must’ve been his cock rubbing near your opening, spreading the wetness he found there.  “Fuck, you’re soaking,” he laughed mockingly.

He began to push forward and you thought he might split you in half; you cried out as he groaned with pleasure.  

You heard him sigh as he buried himself in you, not moving for a moment and just basking in the feeling.  If nothing else, you were thankful for the moment’s reprieve, but you would need a lot longer than he was likely to give if you were going to adjust to his size.

You could stop yourself from whimpering a little when he pulled nearly all the way out, the sound morphing suddenly into a yelp as he thrust forward roughly.  His fingers were digging into your shoulder hard enough to bruise-- everything he was doing, he was doing hard enough to bruise.  Did it always hurt this much?  You couldn’t remember now.

“You’re tight,” he informed you through his teeth, sounding strained.  “Almost better than the real thing.”

Tears welled in your eyes, more from his words than the pain at this point; more from being pinned to the floor than why you were pinned to the floor.  You didn’t understand the opinion of replicants as ‘fake’.  When cut, you bled.  When hurt, you cried.  Your body was as much flesh and blood as his-- moreso, in fact.  You were the real thing, at least to the touch.  You knew better than anyone that there was no soul in this body… but the body was real.  Just as weak to him as a human would be.

Each movement inside you rocked you forward; you were worried you’d get seasick as you tried to focus on the feeling of the hardwood beneath your fingers and nothing else.

You felt your body begin to truly relax and go limp, and his weight on you lessened when he realized you would submit.  “That’s it, just let go,” he encouraged quietly, moving his hands to your hips instead, pulling them up a little to push deeper into you.  “Maybe it’d feel good if you let yourself enjoy it.”

Your enjoyment had never really been much of a factor before.  You knew how to put on a show for the ones who got off on porn star moans and screams, but it was just for appearances.  Even better than that, you knew how to lay there and take it, and that seemed like plenty for today.

He leaned forward and wrapped his hand around your neck, not tightening his grip but rather simply feeling your pulse beneath his fingers.  Paradoxically, you felt your inner walls get slicker as they fluttered with pleasure.

“See?” he grinned, moving down until his breath was hot on the back of your neck.  “You can like it.”

He fucked you with more vigor then, and you moaned.

“Fuck, you like it rough, don’t you?” he asked as his tone shifted from mocking to deadly serious.  “I understand.  You’ve done it so many times that this is the only way you can feel anything.”

You snorted out a weak laugh.  “I could say the same to you.”

The metal hand, protected by his glove, shoved your face into the ground roughly as he fucked you harder than you’d known was possible.  That glove was made of leather, and that leather came from an artificial bull.  You realized that he thought of you as no better than that.  You wondered if he was right.

“Say that you love it,” he hissed into your ear, pulling your hair roughly.

“I love it,” you answered quickly.

“Say that you love me,” he added with a growl.

“I love you.”

He laughed coldly, grabbing a handful of your ass as he watched himself sink into you, your body accepting him so easily just as your mind had begun to.  “How’s it feel to get fucked by a Blade Runner, huh?”

“F-feels good,” you sobbed.  “Please, don’t stop…”

“You gonna come?  Can you even do that, do they let you?”

You could, though you almost never had.  Against everything, a pressure was building in your body that you didn’t know how to stop.

“Bucky,” you groaned, a plea for something that you couldn’t put words to.

“Go ahead, come on my cock,” he permitted flippantly.  You didn’t want to do anything he told you to, but somehow he was hitting all the most delicate places inside you.  He moved even faster, chasing his own high, just as you reached yours. 

Your nails dug into the floor as you came with a strained sob, your body quivering with white-hot shocks until your vision started to get spotty.

“Fuck,” he groaned from behind you, “you’re squeezin’ me, ‘s so tight…”

His words were lost to you; your ears were ringing, and though the height of the feeling had passed, you still felt incredibly sensitive.  He showed no signs of stopping.  You weren’t sure how much more you could take.   

“Please, s-slow down,” you begged, reaching back to try to push him back by his hips.  He grabbed your wrist and forced your arm into an awkward position behind your back.

“Don’t get greedy, doll,” he purred, the sarcastic petname making you feel a little nauseous.  “I haven’t even come yet; isn’t that what you’re for?  To make me feel good?”

You couldn’t answer as he started to choke you again, your sobs cut into silence.

“Don’t worry, ‘m close,” he grunted.  “Gonna fill up this wet little cunt.  You want it, don’t you?”

You nodded, fighting the numbness creeping into your face.

“Yeah, I know you do.  Tell me how bad you want it,” he demanded as he released his grip.

“I want it so bad, Bucky!” you yelped suddenly, voice hoarse and desperate.  “Come inside me, please--”

“Fuck!” he groaned one last time.  You could feel his cock flexing and throbbing inside you as his movements began to slow, though he didn’t come to a full stop for quite some time.  You’d never before been so sure that a man had emptied his entire load into you, but the way Bucky moaned made it undeniable.  Even when he slowly pulled out, you still felt so full.  And sore.

He sighed with relieved exhaustion, standing up and looking down at you for a second before walking to the other side of the room, finding your record player-- the record was still spinning.

He dropped the needle and smiled a little as the song came on: Sinatra.

“Wow, oldies.  Are these yours or did you just find them here?”  he asked you, turning back to face you again.

You didn’t answer, scowling at him as you tried to catch your breath.  

“You’re still worn out then.  Figured you’d be tougher.”

You turned away, pushing yourself off the floor and adjusting your clothes until you were at least mostly put back together.  

You glanced to the window but he’d already reattached his weapon to his belt, and you knew he could get it out faster than you could jump through the glass.  Not to mention the eight-story drop.  As much as you didn’t want to be a slave again, you weren’t ready to be ‘retired,’ whether it be by the Blade Runner’s blaster or your own outrageous escape plan.

When you looked at him again, he was staring at you.

“You’ll give into your obedient instincts quicker next time, I bet,” he announced suddenly.  The scary thing was that you weren’t upset by his words, just relieved, because a next time meant however many days until then that you would be spared.  “Aren’t you tired of living on the run?”

You were.  It hadn’t been so bad when it was you and your team against the world, living together in abandoned buildings and in the outskirts of the country where everything was desert and dry grass.  But then you’d split up and tried to lay low, and it was lonely.  As twisted as it was, Bucky using you reminded you of a long-forgotten purpose, ingrained deep into your mind… so deep you could never really let it go.

“Are you?” you returned his question, after a long time spent in thought.

“Yes,” he answered after an even longer pause.  “But I think you’ll help with that.”

With that, he scooped you up into his arms and began to carry you out the door.  “Somebody to come home to will be nice,” he considered wistfully, “even if it’s just for a few more months.”

[novelconcepts]

fic: having so much fun all alone (i wanna let somebody know)

Control never seems so important until it’s being slowly, inexorably stripped away. Jamie finds she’s been thinking about this concept more and more as the days go by, and it’s almost fascinating. It interests her, thinking about the concept of control--not the control of another person, but control of the self. Of a person’s own body, own mind, own future. 

Control had seemed a simple thing before Dani, so absent from her childhood that Jamie taught herself to seek it out the minute she had the option. It didn’t always go well. There is a fine line between wanting control over a situation and the desperate desire to feel something, anything; it had taken her too long to discover the difference. Jail time had impacted the idea something fierce, reducing the notion of control from a childish impulse toward what I want, when I want it to something smaller. Easier to fit in the palm of her hand. Control became, instead, the simplicity of keeping herself to herself. 

People can’t control you if they don’t understand you, she’d reasoned. People can’t control what you do, say, want, if you never let them in. And, to a point, it had worked. Jamie’s adult life became marked by a certain kind of quiet freedom, an awareness of her own limits. She learned to keep to herself. She learned to give no part of herself away.

And then Dani had happened. Dani, whose own relationship with control was tenuous at best. Dani, whose life up until this point had been very much marked by other people’s control over her body, her dreams, her right to love.

Jamie hadn’t meant to give her control, just as Dani hadn’t meant to ask it of her. There had been no part of the exchange intended for pain, for holding one another hostage--and Jamie knows that is the only reason it happened at all. The only reason either of them--two people so used to the shackles of other people’s expectations--were willing to let the dance begin. This mutual understanding that control is only granted so lovingly because the other person will not abuse the privilege, will not turn their grasp into a cuff. 

It hadn’t been simple, exactly, so much as natural. Give and take. Dani’s ghosts for Jamie’s regrets; Jamie’s scars for Dani’s still-bleeding wounds. In a way, Jamie thinks, the idea of passing control over their life together back and forth was appealing because it was the first time either of them understood how to communicate. The first time Dani had ever learned how to speak her needs in someone else’s space; the first time Jamie had ever thought someone might actually be listening in return. Not simple. Not easy. Organic, though--very much that. 

It has been...an evolution, certainly. There are things Dani is carrying Jamie can’t take off her shoulders--things Dani bears with the stoic acceptance of one already a little bit gone. Jamie tries not to think about it that way, tries not to look into Dani’s eyes and think, Not quite the woman I met. She’s in there, she’s still looking back at me, but there’s something else, too. 

Dani thinks that something else will, one day, supersede her. Will, one day, take the wheel in a way Dani will not be able to ward off. 

Dani thinks, someday, the question of control will have nothing at all to do with their relationship, with the bond built so carefully and so firmly between them, but rather to do with the thing in the mirror. She says as much to Jamie some nights, her hand tangled in Jamie’s hair, her breathing soft and steady against Jamie’s skin. Says, in a voice so weary, Jamie can’t bear it: “I don’t know what I’ll do, then. I don’t know what will be left of me when she wakes.”

Jamie can only take her hand in these moments, the ones she knows will pass by morning--the ones Dani will pretend not to remember by the end of the week. It’s still early-days, she tells herself, bringing Dani’s fingers to her lips as she did in a bedroom across an ocean. It’s still new, and fresh, and there’s nothing saying it will happen at all.

One day at a time.

In the meantime, there are other thoughts of control. Thoughts she finds considerably more pleasurable, considerably more safe. Thoughts of what Dani truly needs some days, to remind her who is still in the driver’s seat of her life. 

Jamie is more than happy to help. 

***

The day has not been bad so much as long, and Jamie finds herself dragging home with a gently thrumming headache. It’s sometimes still more than she can wrap her head around: the shop, where the hours are her own to set, and the apartment, where every inch of space is open to her, and Dani, who fits into both places so perfectly, Jamie has trouble thinking back to a time without her. The world they’ve built together is warm, constantly waiting to welcome her home, and Jamie doesn’t know if she deserves it. Doesn’t know if there is such a thing as deserve. She knows only that she is lucky.

And that even the luckiest soul needs a break. 

“Medicine,” Dani had advised, her expression concerned as Jamie prepared to leave the shop. “A hot shower. Uh. A cold compress.”

“Be fine,” Jamie murmured, glancing around for customers. Not a soul to be found, she pressed a kiss lightly to Dani’s lips. “Shame you can’t join me. Can think of one thing that tends to help nice and quick.”

Dani’s face lit with visible warmth, as Jamie had known it would. “I--you--”

“Easy,” Jamie said, kissing her again. “I’m only teasing, Poppins.”

“Right,” Dani said, a bit hoarsely, her arm sliding instinctively around Jamie’s waist. “Exactly. Rude to tease when I’m already worried for your health.”

“My health’ll be just fine as soon as I get home and into bed,” Jamie told her. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll just, ah, handle it myself?”

“Tease,” Dani repeated in a low, fervent whisper, even as the bell above the door chimed. Jamie tipped her a wink. 

It’s always fun making Dani turn new colors, but she hadn’t been kidding--about the headache or the proposed solution. Little aggravations tend to slip away to nothing with Dani present, Dani’s hands searching her skin, Dani kissing her until she forgets any minor aches or pains. Of course, until they hire additional staff, Dani can’t really afford to join her in the middle of the afternoon just because she’s Jamie’s favorite form of migraine therapy. 

Not so bad, anyway, she thinks, even as she takes Dani’s advice piece by piece in the empty apartment. Medicine, a nice tall glass of water, a shower so long it ceases to be productively hot midway through. She stands with her face against the comparatively-cool tile, trying not to think of Dani’s expression as she’d said tease under her breath, Dani’s grip on her shirt threatening to remain as Jamie slipped out from behind the counter. 

Should just sleep, she thinks, changing into shorts and one of Dani’s shirts. Sleep it off, sure. Better for the whole system. She’ll just lay down for an hour or two, letting the cool of the sheets soothe the warmth of her skin as she remembers the mingled longing and worry in Dani’s face as she’d walked away. Just close her eyes, letting the steady pound in her temples lull her...lull her...

“Fuck,” she mutters, rolling onto her stomach and pressing her face into Dani’s pillow. What does it matter; anything that’ll banish this throb is worth a shot, and anyway, there’s something about the way Dani had watched her go she can’t erase. Something about the way Dani’s lips had lifted ever so slightly, the way they do when Dani wants nothing more than to remind Jamie how glad she is--how glad she’ll always be--that Jamie stayed in her life. 

Just take care of it, she tells herself with the air of brushing her hands clean. The idea of Dani watching her, the idea of Dani missing her, is too strong to ignore. Just Jamie’s luck, to be the having the sort of day where a headache and a painfully strong desire to bring Dani to bed collide. 

She realizes belatedly her hips are already moving without the rest of her noticing, rocking slowly against the mattress, and she sighs. Won't be enough. Won’t be nearly what it would with Dani beneath her, dragging her nails down Jamie’s back, a thigh flexing between Jamie’s legs. Still--the image isn’t nothing. Dani’s pillow smells of her shampoo, the one Jamie never uses because it should be Dani’s, should remind her of Dani whenever Dani isn’t around. She presses her face against it now, lips parted in a sigh, gripping the sheets in loose fingers. 

She’d intended to be quick and dirty with it, a true resolution followed by actual sleep, but her body has other opinions on the matter. Her body, it seems, wants full control of the situation--wants her full attention on the idea of Dani thinking of her at the shop. Dani, moving among the arrangements, picking flowers, chatting with strangers, all the while thinking of Jamie here. Of Jamie having mentioned a hot shower. Of Jamie beneath the spray, one hand sliding down her breasts, the other between her legs. 

Dani, thinking of her for the next hour, her breath coming in sharp little pants she’ll try to hide behind her smile. Dani, pressing her hips furtively against the counter in the empty shop, closing her eyes for a moment and wishing she could have followed Jamie home. 

This’ll do it. Her grip tightens on the sheets, her legs spreading slightly. It’s all too easy to imagine Dani going slightly mad, working faster in an effort to distract herself. Easy to imagine Dani’s hands pushing back her hair the way she does when she’s most frustrated--or when she’s astride Jamie, rolling her hips to match Jamie’s pace. She breathes through the image, the perfect memory of the last time Dani had, in the middle of a movie, climbed into Jamie’s lap and kissed her like she’d been wanting to do so for hours.

Why wait? Jamie had laughed, and Dani had given a happy breathy sigh against her lips. 

It’s better with the anticipation, don’t you think?

“Yes,” Jamie mumbles into the pillow now. The anticipation, that’s the trick of it. Can’t go straight for the thing, can’t just let her hand slide between shorts and skin like she wants. If Dani can’t have her at work, Jamie ought to be polite enough to hold herself out of reach here, too. 

Already, she can feel the headache ebbing away, replaced by the adrenaline of pure desire. She presses herself against the mattress, enjoying the way the seam of her shorts moves against slick skin. She wonders, dimly, how long she could keep this up--how long she could hold herself in this limbo, biting down on Dani’s pillow to keep quiet, rocking at this leisurely pace. Could she do it until Dani gets home? Could this be how she greets a Dani pent-up from missing her: holding what she wants at arm’s length just until Dani comes to check in on her?

The idea nearly makes her shudder: Dani, stepping into the room just in time to catch her like this, rutting against the mattress and sighing Dani’s name. Dani, walking in just in time to watch her come apart. 

Control, she thinks, forcing her speeding hips to slow again. Forcing herself to wait until she’s confident she won’t lose her patience, take a hand off the sheets, press up and in until she’s--

“Couldn’t wait for me at all?” Dani asks, and Jamie gives a leap of guilty surprise, twisting to look over her shoulder. Dani is, in fact, leaning in the doorway. Dani is, in fact, looking at her exactly as she’d been imagining: her eyes dancing, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. Jamie presses her burning face against the pillow, closing her eyes. 

“I--hi.”

“Hi,” Dani says. She’s still just standing there, Jamie senses, in her jacket and boots. Just watching Jamie try to smother mild embarrassment on Dani’s side of the bed. “Oh, don’t stop on my account.”

“I wasn’t--” Oh, there’s no bloody point. “Headache’s gone.”

“Good,” Dani says mildly. “Then I won’t feel bad about what I’m about to do.”

Jamie darts another look over her shoulder, curious despite the mortification sending ripples through her arousal. “Why do I get the feeling I’m in trouble?”

“Not trouble.” Dani slips out of her coat like this is a perfectly normal conversation. Like there’s nothing out of the ordinary at all going on. She leans against the wall, removing her boots with the casual disinterest of a woman who has not just walked in on Jamie grinding against their bed. 

“Dunno if I believe you,” Jamie says, a bit breathlessly. Dani smiles. 

“What’s not to believe? You told me exactly what you were heading home to do...and, if you didn’t happen to do it fast enough, well...”

Fuck, thinks Jamie, her heart rate--which has not precisely calmed since Dani’s arrival--ratcheting back to full speed. She rolls onto her back, sits up, aware of the throbbing heat between her legs even as she pulls the sheets higher. 

“Dani...”

“Mm?” Dani is still moving with the grace of someone in absolutely no hurry to explain herself. As Jamie watches, she removes her earrings, sets them in a bowl on her dresser. Removes her watch, lays it beside the bowl. Reaches up to unbind the tie she must have used in Jamie’s absence, irritated with her hair falling into her eyes as she worked. 

“Dani, are you--”

“I’m wondering,” Dani says, “why you didn’t work harder at it.”

Jamie’s mouth is suddenly very dry. “Work...harder?”

“If you wanted to take care of it yourself,” Dani says. She’s walking closer now, almost strolling; Jamie draws in a breath, her hands bunching around the sheet. There’s something about Dani this calm, Dani moving with this kind of easy indolence, that makes her stomach do funny things. This version of Dani is one no one else ever sees. This version of Dani comes out with purpose. 

Usually a very particular purpose.

She’s climbing onto the bed now, sliding under the sheet to recline against Jamie’s side of the headboard. Her expression is cool, but there’s a light in her eyes Jamie couldn’t miss even with that headache still thrashing away, a certain bright hunger specific to this room, this sort of situation, Jamie. 

“So, I’m thinking, if you didn’t want to take care of it enough to do it fast,” Dani says, patiently parsing it out as she adjusts Jamie’s pillows behind her back, smooths her hands across the sheet over her lap, “there was a reason, right? You always have reasons, Jamie.”

She’s right, Jamie thinks with helpless attraction. Even now, playing whatever thrilling little game Dani has cooked up since arriving home, Dani understands her. Understands, maybe, more than Jamie even realized in this particular situation.

“I’m thinking about it,” Dani says, folding the sheet down once--again--pulling it down the bed until it’s barely covering either of them at all. “And the most I can come up with is...you wanted me here for it. Is that about right?”

Jamie grins, though her skin prickles in the chill of the air-conditioned room. “Always, Poppins.”

Dani nods, making a show of it, like there isn’t a fire burning low in her belly just now. Like she didn’t catch Jamie in the act and want to join her. Like her eyes aren’t blazing with that exact desire just now, pupils blown wide, dragging down Jamie’s body to drink her in. 

“You wanted me to watch.”

“Uh huh,” Jamie says, because whether it was true at the start doesn’t matter; it’s true now. “Or, y’know--since you’re here. Can always join in.”

Dani seems to consider it. One hand trails up Jamie’s thigh, toying lightly with the hem of her shorts. Jamie moves to twist at the waist, to shift into Dani’s lap and kiss her lips--and Dani’s hand rises, catching her by the front of her t-shirt. 

“You wanted me to watch,” she says, leaning in until the words are tracing Jamie’s lips. She does not, Jamie notes with a low groan of frustration, actually make contact. “So. Show me.”

Jamie swallows. “I--uh--just--”

“Here,” Dani adds, spreading her legs. She pats the mattress, a signal for Jamie to settle between them and lean back against her chest. Jamie draws a ragged breath. 

“Really think this could go faster if you just let me help you out of those clothes.”

“Think you’re right,” Dani agrees, and gives the mattress another firm pat. Jamie moves, dreamlike, where she’s been directed. Sits back, her hands uncertain of where to land. 

“Dani, honestly, I want--”

“You had a whole hour,” Dani says, “to get what you wanted. Now it’s my turn.”

Fuck, Jamie thinks again, a fresh surge of need clenching in her stomach. She turns her head, leans until she can see Dani’s expression clearly. 

“Maybe I didn’t start right away. Maybe I’d only been at it a minute.”

“You weren’t.” Dani smiles, the sort of smile she tends to wear immediately before kneeling between Jamie’s legs and offering a thorough distraction from their nightly routine. “I was there a while before you noticed.”

“And you didn’t speak up?” Years together, Jamie thinks. Years together, with no shortage of good sex between them, but this side of Dani is special. This side of Dani, the one perfectly in control of a situation, is to be cherished. “Just stood there, huh? Watched the show?”

“Thought you’d finish fast,” Dani says. She’s got Jamie’s right hand in her own, turning it over to inspect Jamie’s fingers, to trace a nail down Jamie’s palm. “Thought I’d come in just in time for the grand finale. But then I saw your hands.”

“What about them?” There’s challenge in her voice, pushing up against Dani’s calm. It’s always best this way, giving Dani a bit of resistance before she surrenders. Dani scratches a little harder, drawing a thin red line to match the ones grooved into Jamie’s palm. 

“You weren’t using them. You weren’t using anything. I thought that was interesting. Why not touch yourself, if you really wanted to take care of things properly?”

Jamie is struggling to keep her breath, struggling to keep from leaning that last little bit to press her mouth to Dani’s neck. That, she senses, is not the right move. That, she senses, will get her in trouble--and she’d really rather see where this is going. 

“I realized,” Dani is saying, turning Jamie’s hand over and mapping her knuckles with slow, tracing circles. “You were actually trying to make it last. Trying to go as slowly as you possibly could. Driving yourself crazy, I bet.”

“Yes,” Jamie says, unable to stop herself. She pushes back, aware of Dani’s body, of how warm she is. 

“I’m curious,” Dani says, applying light pressure to Jamie’s hand, steering it toward Jamie’s body. “How long do you think you can last?”

“Dani--”

“Only...if you want me to watch...” Dani smiles again, the smile that says she’d like nothing better than to drive Jamie out of her mind. “I really think I want a show.”

She’s dragging Jamie’s hand slowly down her own breasts, tracing down her taut stomach, pausing at the waistband of her shorts. Jamie holds her breath, waiting for Dani to slide with her beneath the band, waiting for Dani to use her hand as she sees fit--but Dani presses her farther down, curling around Jamie’s fingers as they cup together between Jamie’s legs over the loose material. And then she’s gone, leaving Jamie in place, her hand moving to rest on Jamie’s hip.

“Go on,” she says against Jamie’s ear, her free hand shifting Jamie’s hair aside so her lips can graze skin. “Show me.”

Jamie groans, letting the palm of her hand press hard against the heat pulsing through her shorts. She moves her hips, aware of the need she’s been cultivating for far too long already--

“Slowly,” Dani says into her ear. “You go until I say you’ve had enough.”

Jamie slumps back against her, boneless, a small noise escaping her lips. “I--fuck--rules?”

Dani gives the ridge of her ear a gentle nip, the barest scrape of her teeth. Jamie shivers. “That’s it. Go slow. Make all the noise you need, but remember: you are done when I say you’re done.”

Control, thinks Jamie, understanding, and knowing this is something Dani needs as much as she does. She licks her lips, drags her hand slowly against the front of her shorts. It would be so easy to rebel, so easy to wrench back from Dani what has been given to her--she could make herself come in no time at all, after all this. 

She turns her head, finds Dani watching her face with avid interest. She closes her eyes. 

“Slow,” she repeats, a promise. Her fingers slide across the soft material, tracing as though she has all the time in the world. Dani’s chin rests on her shoulder, her lips grazing through Jamie’s shirt once before she settles in. 

“Oh, and Jamie? Make it good.”

Jamie strangles another groan, too aware that letting herself go this early will have dire consequences. She cups lightly, the heel of her hand pushing against painfully throbbing nerves. Her fingers continue their soft work, index trailing down, circling where it would much rather be pressing in. 

“Good,” Dani says softly. She slides an arm around Jamie, spreading her hand low on her stomach, her eyes devouring Jamie’s tentative progress. Jamie leans her head back, breathing shallowly, trying to think desperately of flowers, of buds in bloom, of open petals and--

Nope, she thinks hastily, as her hips give a particularly sharp jerk. She pauses, closing her eyes, searching for solid ground before she can tumble. 

“Very good,” Dani adds, sounding impressed. “See, you’re doing great already.”

“Want you,” Jamie mutters. Dani gives her ear another nip. 

“Show me, then.”

It’s a balancing act, Jamie finds, letting her hips set a slow rhythm against the flex of her hand. A nice, easy balancing act, with her head braced back against Dani’s shoulder, every inhalation filling her senses with the scent of Dani, the push-pull of Dani drawing breath against her back, the trace of Dani’s fingernails across her stomach. A nice, easy, not-at-all-breaking-her balancing act. 

“I think you’re ready to step it up,” Dani says. Jamie, who has been trying to ride the friction of her own palm as minimally as she can stand, gives her a searching look. “I think it’s too easy on you. I think you need more.”

“More,” Jamie repeats. Dani’s hand is slinking lower again, grasping the band of Jamie’s shorts and lifting. Her free hand covers Jamie’s, pressing with sudden strength once between Jamie’s legs. “Fuck, Dani.”

“Not quite yet,” Dani says pleasantly, that too-nice voice she uses when she’s actively working to drive Jamie up the wall. It’s more effective than it has any right to be, Jamie thinks, though she's smiling, her body already desperate. 

She watches, her muscles loose to allow Dani full control, as Dani slides their joined hands higher, tucks Jamie’s hand into her shorts. Her fingers remain tight around the waistband, pulling it aloft and down until she gives herself a proper view of exactly where Jamie’s fingers rest. 

“There,” Dani says with dangerous pleasure. “Keep going.”

Jamie wants to twist, wants to capture her lips in a hard, brazen kiss. Instead, she lets her fingers resume their work--pressing in slow, careful circles against herself. She can hear the slick slide, the soft wet sound of skin on skin, and her stomach clenches with the near-painful urge to finish. She pauses. 

“Don’t think I told you to stop,” Dani says. Jamie bites down hard on her own lip. Her wrist turns, her fingers rubbing lightly--then harder, her desire sparking hard against Dani’s command. She works the throbbing little bundle of nerves between two fingers, her breath sharp, her free hand searching out Dani’s thigh to dig her nails into denim. 

“Fuck--Dani--I can’t--”

“Can,” Dani corrects. “So good, Jamie. You’re doing so well. Show me how much you can take.”

The words are low, calm, but Dani’s body is beginning to betray her, too; Jamie can feel the way her fingers are driving into Jamie’s hip, can see the tremble in the hand pulling at the shorts. Most of all, she can feel Dani beginning to rock slowly against her, her hips pushing up into Jamie in search of friction of her own. 

“Could be touching you,” Jamie hisses, urged into a better station of control simply by the knowledge Dani wants her to give in. “Could be three fingers deep by now, giving you--”

“You’re giving me exactly what I need,” Dani breathes. Jamie hears her own words coil into a soft moan, her hips beginning to buck. Dani’s fingers squeeze around her hipbone, dragging sharp red marks under the pulled-aside waistband. “Ride it out. Do what I tell you.”

Jamie grits her teeth, every muscle in her body tightening against the urge to lose control. Her hand is quickening, her fingers stroking and slipping and pressing until she’s certain she’s going to break. The friction is too much, every circle drawn tight around herself snapping a little more self-restraint. 

“Longer,” Dani whispers into her ear. She wraps her lips around Jamie’s earlobe, sucking hard enough for Jamie’s eyes to roll back. “Don’t give up on me yet.”

“Please,” Jamie hears herself whine, even as she obediently increases the pressure. “Please, I can’t--”

“Faster,” Dani says. “Come on, be good, be good for me, you’re so--”

She makes a noise, low and desperate, a spark of electricity straight to Jamie’s core. She’s grinding herself against Jamie, her hand gripping hard to Jamie’s hip for purchase. Jamie rubs faster, feeling as though she will lose this game, she will certainly not make it much further, and finding she doesn’t actually care as long as Dani is holding her this way. 

She loses herself in Dani’s voice, Dani saying with the rapid-fire recklessness of staggering toward the edge herself, “Inside. Inside, I want to see--” Dani, pulling the shorts sharply down now, allowing Jamie to spread for herself, watching as Jamie slides two fingers deep, pressing hard with the heel of her hand. 

“So good,” Dani mutters, “so good. Keep going. Make it last. It’s my mouth, imagine it’s my mouth, my tongue you’re riding, god, Jamie--”

Control, thinks Jamie, aware she’s losing it fast, aware there is little left that her body can possibly take even as Dani bites down hard on her shoulder. Imagine, Dani had said, like she isn’t right there, like she couldn’t be shifting Jamie out of her lap, sliding down her body, replacing Jamie’s hand with long, slow strokes of her tongue. 

But that isn’t what Dani wants. This is what Dani wants, to hold Jamie, to watch her finish the work she started wishing Dani could see. Dani knows all too well what this is doing to her; she can feel it in the cant of Dani’s hips, hear it in the sound she’s muffling against Jamie’s shirt. 

“Tell me,” she begs, as her muscles clench around her thrusting fingers. “Tell me, I won’t--I won’t until you--”

“How much,” Dani asks, her voice shaking with effort. “How much do you want it?”

Jamie curses, straining away from the edge. “You know,” she pants. “You know I--”

“How much,” Dani says directly into her ear, her hands digging into Jamie’s hips, “did you want it to be me all along?”

“Always,” Jamie breathes, the word a high, helpless plea. “Always, fuck, from the very start. Please, please, I--it’s you--it’s you--”

“Yes,” Dani agrees. “Show me how it feels.”

Jamie adds a third finger on yes, allowing her body at last to clench and shudder. It’s Dani, she thinks, turning her head and muffling her ecstatic cry against Dani’s neck. She can feel Dani’s grip tightening, pulling at her as Dani spreads further, rocks with sharp, needy thrusts while Jamie’s body chases the height of her orgasm. 

It’s Dani, she thinks again, Dani pushing in deep, Dani riding it out, Dani in control, this is all for--all for--

And then there is no thought at all, nothing but Dani crying out as she squeezes a hand over Jamie’s and feels for herself what she’s done. Nothing left but Dani’s name on her lips as Jamie arches, eyes closed, feeling very much as though she is no longer in possession of a body at all. 

She slumps against Dani, breath coming in short waves, her head clear of anything except the residual electricity from Dani’s fingers threading through her own. She exhales, rolling her eyes to watch Dani’s face. 

“Good show?”

Dani makes a muffled sound a bit like a whimper, her hips still twitching as though out of her control. Jamie shifts with some effort, breaking contact, leaving her rocking against nothing at all.

“You’re still hanging on? Well. That won't do.”

She tugs at Dani’s shirt, catching her in a hard kiss that seems only to draw Dani’s urgency higher. Dani’s hands are scrambling to pull Jamie back into her lap, and Jamie allows herself to be positioned. She lowers herself with a groan, loving the dark marks she’s leaving behind on Dani’s jeans as she presses flat against her tense thigh. 

“Ride it with me,” she insists, pushing her own knee hard between Dani’s legs. Dani’s head thumps back against the headboard, her hand anchored at Jamie’s back, watching with glazed eyes as Jamie provides friction to both of them with each rough grind. 

It’s a graceless thing, and yet, perfectly matched--Dani gripping at her shirt, Dani pushing up into her as she rocks down, and, this time, Jamie finds the force shattering. She’s wrapped around Dani, hands clawing into Dani’s hair, down her back, hips pumping, even as she feels Dani begin the age-old sign of falling apart: Dani, repeating her name as an endless mantra, over and over. 

Control, she thinks, as she’s losing the last of it all over again, as Dani is joining her with a long, shuddering kiss. What little good it does, when it is held too tightly. What little grace it offers, when not shared. 

“I should, ah, call next time?” she breathes as Dani wraps both arms around her, squirming down the bed until they're lying in a sweaty heap. “Maybe just...set up in the back and wait for you to join me?”

Dani laughs. “If you did that, we’d never leave.”

“Perfectly content with never leaving here, either, if that’s how we’re going to play it.” Jamie leans back, reaching down to brush her fingers across the ruined leg of Dani’s jeans. “Made a mess of you.”

“It was mutual,” Dani teases. She closes her eyes, draws in a long breath that turns to a yawn. “How is your head, for real?”

“Good as new. All beasts banished back to whence they came.” Jamie winces, peering at Dani’s face for sign of shutdown, but Dani’s expression is placid. 

“Good. I still think you should start with medicine.”

“Took medicine!” Jamie protests. “Did all the goddamn tricks. Not my fault this works best.”

“I think you just say that,” Dani says, “to get me naked.”

“Well, not doing a good goddamn job of it, am I?” Jamie sits up, gesturing broadly. “Still wearing every last fucking stitch.”

“Mm,” Dani agrees. “Maybe you should...do something about that?”

Jamie is still laughing when Dani pushes her onto her stomach, stretching out almost flush against her back. Her breath catches, something about the press of denim against her bare legs, the way Dani’s sliding the t-shirt Jamie stole from her side of the closet up her back making her feel deliciously undone. The idea of Dani, fully-dressed, pressing her half-naked body into the mattress draws a long shudder through her. 

“Unless you’re tired,” Dani adds, her hand curling around Jamie’s hips, sliding teasingly toward soaked, swollen skin. Jamie groans into the pillow, gripping the sheets in one hand, reaching back for a grasp on Dani’s jeans with the other. Dani’s hand, pushed between damp sheets and sticky skin, strokes her once, testing. She kisses the back of Jamie’s neck, rolling her tongue over the chain of Jamie’s necklace, drawing it between her teeth.  

“This is,” Jamie pants, even as Dani is playing her exactly as she’d watched Jamie work herself over, “exceptionally unbalanced.”

“Then do something about it,” Dani teases, kissing along her shoulder. Jamie, somehow, finds herself quite without the will to fight back. There is nowhere she’d rather be than angling herself toward Dani’s hand, seeking the firm, rough stroke of Dani’s fingers. 

Tonight, she reasons, is Dani’s turn. She’ll turn the tables some other time, when Dani isn’t itching for this exact thing, this exquisite dynamic: when the ability Jamie gives her to tell Jamie exactly what to do, exactly what she needs of her, isn’t the most important gift she could grant. 

Later, she’ll pin Dani to the wall or the counter, tease her until Dani is wild for her. It’s only fair, and Jamie knows it won’t take long at all for the power to change hands again when it’s done. 

“Stay with me,” Dani commands, rocking against Jamie with one authoritative motion even as her fingers sink deep and Jamie gasps. 

“Always,” she promises, feeling luckier than she could possibly explain.  

[phantom-curve]

49 or 50 for willex, and au of your choosing!

“Also happy second birthday!! Hope you have a wonderful day”

Thank you! This was an absolute joy to write so I hope you like reading it as much as I liked writing it! From the gimme a chance AU (which I guess now officially has spin-off lore about Willex) I give you Alex and Willie’s first date.

#49: holding onto the other’s shoulders for support & #50: putting a hand over the other’s mouth to shut them up 

When Willie had asked Alex if he wanted to go on a date to the art museum, Alex couldn’t help but picture something cute and romantic. The two of them wandering around bright, airy rooms with the sunshine streaming in, bathing them in an ethereal kind of glow. Long moments standing in front of different paintings, fingertips brushing as they exchanged meaningful side long glances with one another. Maybe they would even kiss. Alex had been nearly breathless with the thought. Which was why he said yes without hesitation.

Willie looked like an absolute dream when Alex first caught sight of him outside of the museum, his long hair fluttering in the breeze behind him under his helmet, the loose, slightly cropped t-shirt he wore rising up every now and then to reveal tantalizing glimpses at tanned skin and toned abs. He came to a graceful stop on his skateboard right in front of Alex, grinning from ear to ear as he raised his eyebrows up and down teasingly.

“Didn’t run ya over this time. This date is already going better than our first meeting.”

Alex couldn’t stop the slightly high-pitched embarrassed laugh that slipped through his lips. Willie’s cheeks stretched impossibly wider, and Alex felt his own cheeks warm.

“I didn’t really mind so much.”

Willie smirked like he thought Alex was lying, which, fair. Alex had been pissed when Willie had crashed into him, ready to absolutely lose it on whatever dumbass had knocked him down and then had the audacity to complain about his stupid fucking skateboard. But then Willie had been scrambling to apologize, his brown hair tumbling down from his helmet in a mesmerizing cascade, and Alex had forgotten about his injuries completely because he was entirely focused on remembering how to breathe and getting his brain to restart. And then Willie had asked him out and it became the best day of Alex’s life. So, in the end, he didn’t really mind.

“C’mon, I got us tickets already.”

Willie tucked his skateboard under one arm and held his other hand out like he was offering it to Alex. Which, he was, Alex realized after a long second. He felt the blush paint his cheeks again and rushed to pull his hand from his pocket so he could place it in Willie’s. Willie didn’t say anything, but Alex caught the way his lips curved a bit on the edges, like he was holding back a smile.

Willie, it turned out, had an extensive understanding of almost everything art related. He named off artists without having to read the little cards by their work and talked about different periods of art styles and the evolution of art as it related to history, explaining how the two were inextricably linked which wasn’t something Alex had ever really thought about before, but was fascinating, nonetheless. Alex let himself be led around, impressed and in complete awe as Willie pointed out his favorite pieces and waxed poetic about Jean-Michel Basquiat, who Alex had learned was his favorite artist. It was everything Alex had hoped for in a date, especially when Willie led him down a set of stairs and into a basement gallery that was practically deserted.

There were large abstract sculptures throughout the room, concrete benches spaced out along the wall. Willie walked over to one and sprawled out, Alex sitting down next to him in a bit more conservative manner.

“Man, I wish they had let me bring my board in. How dope would it be to skate through this place?”

He traced his fingers through the air like he was mentally mapping out exactly how he would maneuver around all the obstacles. Alex laughed.

“I’d be way too worried about running into a priceless piece of art and ruining it.”

Alex shuddered as he thought about how awful it would be to destroy someone’s artistic creation. He still remembered how heartbroken Luke had been their senior year of high school when their former bandmate Bobby had stolen his songs and sold them to a record label on a solo contract. The pain had been unbearable, and Alex hadn’t even been the one dealing with the brunt of the hurt. Something must have changed on his face because Willie leaned over to nudge him softly with his knee. Alex blinked, startled back into the present and looked into the warmest pair of brown eyes he’d ever seen.

“You’re wound a little tight, huh? Where’d you go just then?”

Usually, Alex didn’t really open up to people. He’d learned from a young age that emotions were best kept in a bottle locked in a safe shoved into the farthest reaches of his brain. Alex and Reggie had unpacked some of that throughout the years, slowly gaining his trust and teaching him that it was okay to express himself. But Alex never really let other people in like his boys. Except, there was something about Willie, some innate goodness in him, that made Alex feel safe and calm and like maybe it was okay to let him in, too.

So, he did. He talked about Bobby, and then that spiraled into talking about the band and his homophobic parents and their silent rejection that stung all the more because it was like they weren’t even mad, they just decided that he suddenly no longer existed. Willie didn’t interrupt or judge. And when Alex had finally exhausted himself and felt a little less bogged down by it all, Willie reached over and placed his hand on Alex’s knee, skin to skin through the hole in his jeans.

“That sucks, man. I’m glad you’ve got a better family with your friends now. Luke and Reggie, right? So, you all moved down here from San Fran together?”

Alex had mentioned that when they first met. It shouldn’t be a big deal, the fact that Willie remembered and had clearly actually been listening to the things Alex had said then and now, but he was so used to not being heard that it felt monumental. His lips curved into a small smile.

“Yeah. They’re my best friends. Luke swears someday our band will take off now that we’re in LA, but I’m just happy I get to be here with them, living in a house that doesn’t feel so unwelcoming all the time and whaling on some drums whenever I need to.”

“I’m happy you’re here, too.”

The way he said it, with a little smirk and some bouncy eyebrows, Alex knew Willie meant more than just being in LA. He meant here in this museum, with him. Suddenly, Willie jumped to his feet, holding both hands out towards Alex.

“I think I know something else that might help you loosen up. Wanna give it a try?”

Alex was pretty sure he was willing to give anything a try if Willie asked him to. He slipped his hands into Willie’s and only stumbled slightly when he was pulled to his feet. Willie let go so he could catch Alex by his shoulders, their faces so close Alex could count every one of his eyelashes. Time seemed to stand still for a moment, something crackling in the space between them. And then, Willie threw his head back and yelled.

Alex jumped about 10 feet in the air and immediately slapped a hand over Willie’s mouth, muffling the sound of the other boy’s voice. He whipped his head back and forth, thankful that there wasn’t another museum patron around or worse, a security guard.

“What the hell was that for?!” He whisper-yelled, feeling the need to compensate for Willie’s vocal volume by lowering his own.

Willie laughed, his lips moving under Alex’s palm. Alex let his hand drop, not wanting to think too long about Willie’s lips touching his skin.

“It’s stress release!”

Alex raised a judgmental brow.

“Yelling in a museum is stress release?”

“Yeah, man,” Willie was still laughing, his smile easy and eyes sparkling. “There’s something about letting everything out all at once, especially in a place where it feels like you shouldn’t. C’mon, you said you would give it a try.”

Alex glanced around the gallery again. They were alone, and he had said he would try it. He took a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. Willie grinned and nodded encouragingly, so Alex inhaled again and tried to copy him.

“Ahhhhh!”

It was pretty pitiful in comparison. Willie doubled over with laughter for a moment, but when he straightened his smile was patient and kind.

“Nah, dude. You gotta mean it. Here, we can do it together.”

He stepped close, the tips of his shoes touching Alex’s, hands fisting into the shoulders of Alex’s favorite pink hoodie. He looked down at where Alex’s arms were dangling limply at his side and cocked his head, so Alex grabbed onto Willie’s shoulders as well. He felt Willie lean against him, letting Alex support some of his weight, and did the same. It weirdly felt almost like a hug, the way they were each clinging onto each other, trusting the other one to hold them up. Alex copied Willie when he sucked in a deep breath, but this time, instead of lifting his head towards the ceiling, Willie maintained eye contact. That same tension from earlier pulled taught between them. The moment built until all the sudden Alex felt a huge rush of emotion and opened his mouth at the exact same time as Willie, their voices overlapping and blending together in one loud, messy shout.

The resulting rush was incredible. Alex understood immediately what Willie had meant. He let out a laugh, absolutely delighted, and yelled again. Willie yelled back, and Alex felt like his head was spinning, drunk on adrenaline and release and Willie himself. He opened his mouth to yell again when he heard footsteps on the stairs. Willie glanced over his shoulder towards the doorway they had come through and then he grabbed Alex’s hand without hesitation, giggling as he pulled him through the room and out a second doorway at the back of the space before they could get caught. They raced up a different set of stairs, only slowing to a walk as they reentered the main level gallery space. Alex was breathless and giddy, the feeling of Willie’s hand in his making him feel brave and reckless. When they finally came to a stop in a hallway between the main gallery and a doorway to the outdoor sculpture park, he used their joined hands to pull Willie close.

“You are insane, and I cannot believe I let you talk me into that.”

His words were too soft to be a real admonishment. Willie leaned in, his hips brushing against Alex’s and the feeling was overwhelming. Without letting himself think about it, Alex reached up to move a few errant strands of hair out of Willie’s face, letting one hand rest against his jaw and bringing the other around his neck so he could tilt his face up. Willie’s eyes were shining, gaze dropping to Alex’s lips as the tip of his tongue peeked out to wet his own. It was all the invitation Alex needed.

He swooped down, Willie stretching on his toes to meet him halfway, arms sliding around his waist and pulling their bodies close. Alex’s mind went blissfully blank, focusing on nothing but the taste of cherry Chapstick on his tongue and the feeling of silky hair slipping through his fingers. Willie made a little noise in the back of his throat and Alex pulled back slightly, feeling shy and nervous. Their foreheads were still touching, breaths comingling in the tiny space between them. Willie leaned in to press a soft kiss against Alex’s cheek, leaving a burning mark behind as he moved so his lips grazed Alex’s ear.

“Totally worth it.”

He pulled away with a satisfied grin, dropping his heels as Alex felt himself blush from head to toe. Willie laced their fingers together and started to retrace their steps back towards the front of the museum, pulling a dazed Alex along in his wake.

“Wanna go grab some food? There’s a pretty good hotdog stand around the corner we could hit up.”

That broke Alex out of his spell.

“Ugh, no. Literally anything but hotdogs, please.”

He shivered, his stomach clenching like it still remembered the time Luke had convinced them they could totally trust the dude selling food out of the trunk of his car at next to a venue they were playing at. Willie laughed and quirked a brow.

“Sounds like you’ve got a story to tell, Hotdog. Let’s go.”

And Alex went, groaning the whole time about his new nickname but secretly loving the fact that Willie had given him one. Nicknames said familiarity, affection. Maybe by the end of their next date he could earn a different title: boyfriend.

[champion-leon-imagines]

Chronicles of Galar - Chapter 1: New friends & A Cliffhanger

This is the first real chapter of the fic. Here you are introduced to Raihan and Taiko, when you explore Hammerlocke with Sonia. Something with Leon is up to, can you help him?

It had been two weeks since you had met Leon and during these two weeks you saw each other again in person when you were visiting Professor Magnolia to begin your official start through the Galar region with your family. You met the elderly lady, the professor herself, her granddaughter Sonia and Hop, the younger brother of Leon. Back then in the Slumbering Weald you had only seen Hop briefly, but when you met again in the laboratory you got to know each other properly. Mamoru was currently away with President Rose, to whom he wanted to demonstrate a newly developed technology that would make it possible to teleport people over a very long distance. This process should be environmentally friendly and affordable, which is why the prospective professor even invited your father, Professor [L/n] from Amila, to Galar to win Rose as a financial sponsor. After all, Rose was also concerned about the environment and energy supply and with these arguments, Mamoru wanted to convince with his invention.

You, on the other hand, were in Hammerlocke with Sonia. This city was known for the fact that the mythology about the creation of the Galar region by two unknown kings originated there. Every historian visits the old "castle" in Hammerlocke for his research and of course you were also interested in finding out more about this region.

“And here you can see another mosaic. It shows a sword and a shield. These are said to have been the weapons with which the kings saved this land from disaster. Unfortunately I couldn't decipher all the cryptic letters yet, but I think the disaster had something to do with dynamaxing .. ", Sonia explained and crossed her arms thoughtfully. "Why do you think that?", You wanted to know and looked at the mosaic for a while. You couldn't figure it all out. "This shimmering reddish light, in front of the kings .. That could be a Dynamax light column, don't you think so?", the orange-haired woman asked. "Mhm. I've already heard about it, but to be honest, I haven't seen any of these pillars of light in person, so ... I have no idea. ", You answered. "You didn't? Oh, that's easy to change. The Wild Area borders on this city. We can ask Raihan to give you a little demonstration in a wild dynamax fight. " "Raihan?"

“The gym leader of this city. And a childhood friend of Leon and me. ", Sonia said and saw you stiffen for a moment. "..Is everything alright?", She spoke irritated and blinked perplexed. "Huh? Yes of course..!! Haha. I didn't even know that you knew Leon that well. ", You smiled somewhat troubled and waved her off. "And .. Raihan, Leon and you .. you were really good friends?",You asked. Sonia blinked even more and tilted her head slightly. "Err ... we are still good friends?", She said and noticed how you were getting a little tense. "And .. is there .. somehow more between you? So .. I mean .. uhm .. boyfriend-girlfriend like ..? ", you mumbled. "No, Raihan and I are not lovers.", Sonia laughed and you sighed softly, because you didn't mean Raihan at all. Now the assistant professor suddenly became aware of something.  “Oh. No, there is absolutely nothing going on between Leon and me, if that worries you. ", She giggled and winked. "Uh .. Uhm why should that worry me? Haha. I've only known him for two weeks. "

"Then why are you blushing?"

"I'm not blushing at all ..!"

"..."

Sonia shook her head in amusement and cleared her throat. “No, really now. Leon and I are just friends. No more and no less. I have no romantic interest in him. And he has none in me. ", She assured you. "..."

You didn't wanted to admit it, but this confirmation calmed you down a bit and you could have slapped yourself for feeling that way ..

So after that was resolved, the two of you went to the gym to find Raihan. Though you only found the young talented trainers that Raihan had in his gym. They were practicing on the court with their Dragon Pokemon and they looked so motivated and happy. However, there seemed to be no trace of the gym leader himself, which surprised Sonia a little. “Wait here, I'll take a look around the gym. He's probably sitting around, being lazy again somewhere and playing on his smartphone .. “, the orange-haired sighed, making you laughing uncertainly. "How did someone like that become a gym leader?"

“By losing to Leon in the final cup. He scored as second and has been defending this place for 10 years while trying to take Leon's championship title. ", Sonia explained and then apologized to leave you there and look around for the idler.

Just standing around in the stands bored you after a few minutes, so you decided to explore the gym on your own. To compete against the young talents of the final gym in the Galar Challenge would certainly be an exciting experience. You didn't take part in this challenge yourself, but you definitely didn't shy away from fights.

You walked a little through the corridors and rooms, watched the trainers fight and raise their dragons with interest, and you even learned a little about Dragapult, a dragon pokemon from this region. And which, according to the information on the information sheet above the life-size statue in the 'gift shop' of the gym, was also a team Pokemon of Leon. Why does a gym need a gift shop at all, was something you preferred not to question. This Raihan guy seemed like a very weird dude, but maybe that was what made him likeable? Just as you were about to go back to the stands and left the gift shop, you saw a leg-length, green creature scurrying past. It looked like a .. Fraxure? The first evolution of the Pokemon Axew, you noticed, before a female voice got your attention. “Aaaaah don't walk into the shop again! Raihan is going to get mad ..! Hey you over there, can you please help me to catch this Pokemon? ”a red-haired young woman, around 17-19 years old, called after you. She waved her hands in panic and tripped over one of her open shoelaces while running. As a result, she fell on her bum and sighed in annoyance. "Today sucks ..!" She muttered and pouted. You blinked and saw the Fraxure curiously sniffing at one of the souvenirs, a Flapple music box, and picking it up. “Noooo, put that back! It's fragile!!! Argh, why doesn't it obey? ", The red-haired woman shouted in frustration and ruffled her own hair as if she wanted to pull it out.

You smiled and then ran to Fraxure to gently take the music box out of it's claws and pat the Pokemon over it's head. "Well, well. That doesn't belong to you.", You rebuked and the red-haired woman used the moment to run to you and pull the Fraxure into her arms. "Gotcha, you runaway !!! Thank you for your help, miss. ", The redhead thanked you, relieved. "Oh, I actually didn't do anything. And no need for formalities. We're about the same age, ”you waved off. “My name is [Y/n]. “, You introduced yourself and held out your hand to the stranger for a greeting. The girl smiled broadly and tried to adjust Fraxure between her arms to accept this gesture and shake your hand. "I'm Taiko! And this cheeky little guy here is a Pokemon from Raihan, our gym leader. But he entrusted it to me today so that I could learn how to tame dragon pokemon. ”Taiko then explained. "... It doesn't work so well, huh?", You smirked and Taiko blinked before you pointed with your finger at Taiko's stomach area. The redhead looked down and now she also saw that the dragon pokemon had already made itself independent again and tried to run straight out of the gym. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Taiko shouted and ran after the Pokemon, but then the door suddenly opened and Taiko fell into the strong arms of a suntanned man. You blinked and looked at the man. He wore an orange-red headband, which covered his hair except for a dark braid. In addition, he partly wore the jersey of the gym trainers and over it a thick sweatshirt, which vaguely resembled a dragon. He grinned and looked down at the redhead, whose nose was now buried in his chest. A pointed fang-like tooth protruded from this grin and he smacked the younger one on the back in amusement. "I actually thought you were training the Fraxure and not the other way around." He teased her and when Taiko looked up pouting, he pinched her cheeks and pulled them apart slightly, as if he was talking to a child. "Stop it, Raihan .."

Ah, so that was Raihan. You smiled, because that's exactly how you had imagined him after Sonia's stories. Raihan laughed and then looked at you. "A friend of yours?" He wanted to know. "Uh .. you could say so.", Taiko laughed, which made you blink. "Uhm not really. We just got to know each other because the Fraxure almost ran into my arms. ", you clarified. “Well, then we got to know each other better. Because I always make friends with everyone I get to know! So that's a warning. ", Taiko winked and you smiled. That was an extremely lively girl. Through and through sympathetic and a nice change from the other redheads you knew (Aki was a redhead) .. Not that you didn't appreciate your sister-in-law, but she was sometimes a little too serious and grown up for the jokes that you and your brother liked to hatch. With Taiko, you felt like she was a massive mood cannon. "Understood. I have no objection to that. ", You laughed then and Raihan grinned wider as he casually called the Fraxure back into the Pokeball. “Well, then I would like to introduce myself officially. My name is Raihan and I'm the gym leader of the Hammerlocke gym. ", He flirty-winked, which reminded you a bit that he tried to hit on you. "Errr .."

Taiko poked him lightly in the side, then turned to her new self-proclaimed friend, aka you. “Raihan is a playful idiot. If he tries to flirt with you, just don't take it seriously. Because he never means it seriously. ", She warned. Raihan twisted the corner of his mouth and crossed his arms behind his head. “You don't need to get jealous, Taiko. You know that you are my number 1 girl. ", He then spoke teasingly, whereupon a shoe flew in his direction. Taiko's blushing face showed anger and embarassment and she hobbled over to pick up her shoe. "Idiot.", She said and you briefly hesitated until you saw that they were both laughing with each other. That calmed you. It was just mutual teasing. These two seemed really close, you thought with a smile.

Sonia was finally back and Raihan was allowed to listen to a lecture about the obligations of a gym leader, because apparently nobody in the gym knew that the dragon tamer was simply absent for hours because he - Quote from Raihan: an important event of one of his mobile games where you had to find hidden clues in different parts of Hammerlocke. (Something like a mix of Pokemon GO and the Harry Potter mobile game that use real locations)

After that, of course, he was more than happy to show you a Dynamax raid fight in the wild area. If the wild area had not been partially closed due to a strong storm. Well then that had to be postponed. You used the time, to learn more about the history of Galar, with Sonia and also with Taiko's help and you got to know each other better. “So you come from Johto? And your mother works at Ho-Oh's temple in Ecruteak City? Then you surely have an Eevee development too, right? ", You wanted to know with interest when Sonia and Raihan got some books from the library. "Yes, exactly. I was supposed to work as a geisha, too, but .. That just wasn't my thing. I need some action. That's why I came here to Galar. You know, my family took a vacation here 10 years ago and Raihan saved me in the Wild Area. We've been in touch ever since, and when I was finally old enough to travel I came here straight away! .. Well, almost immediately. Haha. I came here when I was 14 after starting my journey in Johto. Mother said that I should first really get to know my home region before I set off for foreign regions. "

"And it took you 4 years for it?", You interrupted her with a smile. "... Well, you can count 2 years less of secret trips to Galar to hang out with Raihan. Yes. ", Taiko mumbled and nudged her index fingers together. You had to laugh gently. "Wow and you're not married yet, after all the meetings and teasing each other?" You asked. Taiko went bright red in the face and gestured with her hands in panic. "Huuh? Why do we should be married? We .. we're not a couple .. ”, the tomboy defended herself vigorously. Your smirk went wider. “You like each other alot. A blind man can see that. I was watching Raihan when you ran into his arms. That affected look he gave you. He would probably never admit it. And you also have butterfrees in your stomach when he's with you. ",You stated. “Ahahaha, you have a blooming imagination. Raihan and I are just friends. Who wants such an idiot as a boyfriend! He's always on his cell phone. And he has absolutely no sense of responsibility. He leaves the trainers under my supervision all the time and then disappears for hours .. ", Taiko sighed. "But doesn't that mean how much trust he has in you when he entrusts his students to you?" You then asked. Taiko blinked and crossed her arms. “I haven't seen it that way yet .. But .. he always shifts his work on to others. And then has fun in some nightclubs .. He's probably also dragging every chick he meets in his bedroom .. ", the redhead spoke lowly, gritting her teeth and clenching her hand into a fist. You smiled. "I don't know Raihan that well yet, and of course I don't know you either, but .. I don't think he's the kind of guy who is like that and sleeps with many women. Of course, he has a certain .. charm about himself and he also seems to like to flirt, but .. Mhm no, I wouldn't trust him to have flings. My knowledge of human nature has never disappointed me ”, you assured her. "Do you think so?" Taiko asked and her face showed traces of relief. Now you had to giggle again. “And now you've definitely given yourself away. You're ... totally in love with Raihan. "

"I'm not.."

"Who's in love with whom?" a male voice asked behind you and Taiko winced because it was Raihan's voice. You turned around and saw Raihan with a mountain of books in his arms. Next to him was Sonia, who also carried some books and eyed both of you curiously. "Ah. [Y/n] has a crush on… uh .. the Slowpoke-Guy * from the new sitcom. ”Taiko quickly made up and saw how your facial features derailed. Raihan blinked and laughed, which made him drop the books. "Really? This guy's such a troll. He's running around in a Slowpoke costume and looks totally retarded. ", Raihan laughed and was hit with a book by Sonia for dropping the books. "Err .. That was just a joke of her. We actually talked about Hop getting along pretty well with his neighbor Gloria. And we have the feeling that they are in love with each other. ", You said then and saw Taiko smile gratefully. You could have whipped your red-haired new acquaintance over, especially after this thing with the Slowpoke Dude.

"I see? Well, the two of them are cute together. But still a little too young for a serious relationship for my taste. ", Raihan thought. "Define 'serious relationship'.", Sonia interfered and Raihan looked at her with a slight grin. "Sex."

"..."

You cleared your throat and also Taiko seemed a little embarrassed by the directness of her crush. “Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. At that age, it's perfectly normal to have your first boyfriend or girlfriend. Apart from kissing and holding hands, nothing happens. ", You considered. "How boring.", Raihan just said and crossed his arms behind his back. “Have you ever been in a committed relationship, Raihan? As far as I know, every woman turns you down because of your stupid pick-up lines .. ", Sonia sighed, shaking her head. Raihan looked at her and looked briefly offended. “Hey, they're not stupid! My pick-up lines are great. ”, The dark-skinned man then protested. "Oh yes? Then let me hear them. ", You suggested and smiled. Admittedly, these Galar acquaintances were sometimes really crazy people, but that's exactly what you loved. You had the feeling that you will be very good friends with these people ..

"Are there any other sights in town, besides you?" Raihan grinned with a sexy wink and a finger pistol gesture. "...Seriously?"

"Wait, I have another one! When God created you, he sure wanted to show off. ", Raihan tried again. But all in response from the three women was a mutual giggle. “Oh god, the pick-up-lines are so bad. Hahaha, my little brother Kaito can do them better. ", You giggled and shook your head amused. Sonia laughed too and Taiko smiled too, but you could tell that she was slightly uncomfortable about the subject. "Okay okay. That was really bad. But maybe I'll wait for the right one for the best lines. ", Raihan countered and looked slightly to the side. You stopped laughing and then looked at him in amazement. "That hardly sounded like you at all.", Sonia stated. "Can we just change the subject?" Taiko sighed, slightly annoyed. "Sorry.", You smirked and then helped Sonia to pick up the books that Raihan had dropped.

You sat down together in a cozy cafe in a sitting area and you let the three of them explain a little about Galar's history. At least what was known to some extent.

You were very curious and inquisitive about Galar's history. You liked this region more and more  and you couldn't even say exactly why. But at some point a slight commotion outside the cafe caught your attention. It seemed as if a large television team was gathered there and the flashing lights flashed through the window of the cafe like a thunderstorm.

Sonia stopped talking and followed your gaze to the window. “Oh, this is just an interview with Leon. I just checked my messaging app and it seems like he single-handedly stopped a runaway Gigantamax Toxtricity. Which is remarkable, because Toxtricity is already a serious opponent against Charizard with its G-Max Stun Shock. ", the orange-haired woman explained. “So many reporters and so much hectic pace? Leon certainly doesn't have an easy time being that popular. He can't go anywhere without being surrounded by curious fans or journalists, ” you said softly. “Yes, those are the downsides of his title. But don't worry, Leon enjoys the spotlight that's falling on him. He enjoys the fame and the many public appearances. ", Raihan said. He knew his rival and best friend well enough by now. You fell silent and got up to walk to the window and get a better look at the man at the center of this interview. Your look became a little worried, because although Leon had put on his usual smile, he looked pretty exhausted. He looked quite pale, despite his darker skin color and it seemed as if he had hardly slept recently. At least you could see his dark circles under his eyes. On this occasion you also remembered that his last message was a few days ago with the excuse that he had so much to do and at the moment didn't really know where his head was. At first you thought it was an excuse not to have to answer, but now that you saw him, he was really overwhelmed at the moment.

You were torn from your thoughts when you noticed a hand on your shoulder. You blinked and looked beside you when you saw Taiko's slightly grinning face. “Seems like our champion is very important to you. You're worried about his health, aren't you? ”The redhead asked mischievously. You knew why she was grinning like this. Now was Taiko's chance to strike back, for earlier. Because you would have to lie if you didn't think a little bit about the handsome purple-haired man since you met ..

"Nonsense. But I am a little tired. Let's move on to the history lesson tomorrow. By the way, my brother probably already misses me. After the appointment with Rose, he wanted to wait for me at the hotel to tell me how the conversation went. In any case, it was very nice to have made your acquaintance, Taiko and Raihan too. I have the feeling that we will meet a few more times. ", you smiled and then bowed politely as a farewell. Taiko grinned and gave you a thumbs up. "You can bet on it! Come safely to the hotel. Not that it's unsafe here in the city, but when it gets dark there could be strange figures walking around outside. ", The redhead warned. “Of course, I'll be careful. Anyway, I left my number for you Taiko. Just call me. See you! And thank you for the insight into Galar's history. Really interesting. ”With these words you said goodbye to your new friends. "Mmm, I wonder why she lied to us.", Sonia began after you had left the cafe. "Huh?" Raihan and Taiko looked questioningly at the orange-haired woman. Sonia then folded her arms. “[Y/n]s brother is at a long conference in Amila with Rose. Grandmother told me that, she knows every professor very well, including her father. And that means her brother isn't expecting her, you see? Why did she say that? ”She wondered then. "Mhmm .. Raihan pissed her off with his stupidity." Taiko said teasingly and Raihan then playfully put her in a headlock. "More like you shooshed her away with your intrusiveness!", He countered and the two laughed while they wrestled a little. Sonia just watched them with a sigh and then looked outside, where Leon was being questioned by reporters. "Is ... he the reason?"

To be continued..

[cosmosrival]

there it is! kama interlude analysis by a kama fan!

WELL. LIKE IT SAYS IN THE TITLE: this is just my own thoughts!! youre free to think whatever u want !! i am just putting my own knowledge into words because i genuinely love kama, and i would like for kama’s depth to be understood by the NA fandom a little more!! i try to stay as close as possible to their character in everything i do because i believe that the more in character they are, the funnier/more interesting content ppl will produce. 

and hopefully i understood them well ???!!!! HOPEFULLY ?!

i will be screenshotting the translated reddit post under this read more and stop whenever something i find interesting to develop pops up ! or else it’ll get way too long lol if you wanna read the interlude for yourself heres the link!

with that said, let’s go!!

kama’s interlude begins with guda passing the hell out because of exhaustion and then waking up in a dream sequence where kama treats them to some relaxing adventures, stuff to take their mind off heavy things!! first dream sequence is kama roleplaying a highschool setting where they’re dating.

i like this because they openly admit that its an illusion, breaking the immersion but as long as youre okay with roleplaying, they’ll continue it LOL  at some point, caesar mentions the student council president and arjuna appears behind him 

since this is an illusion that kama made, i’ve been wondering about the fact that the way servants conduct eachother in this interlude is mostly because that’s how kama envisions they would act in a highschool setting, in an amusement park and finally with eachother (mostly for confirmed couples such as siegbryn, consort yu and her hubby etc...). suzuka and sei being gyarus is obvious, but arjuna as the student council president... is so cute???!!! i MEAN IT FITS ?! THATS A GREAT IDEA KAMA!!!! ANYWAY

this is kama’s first monologue and since they’re primarily the god of lust, all of the more vanilla stuff they mentions such as sharing a pair of headphones embarrasses them since its so tame. ITS CUTE !!! kama expects you to be horny in class !! what are you doing thinking about hand holding !!! medusa saves u from that tho with a direct reference to her relationship with kama’s vessel 

this is interesting !! and reassuring !!! i think that kama as a character has a lot of depth and just reducing them to “sakura” would be a waste and this interlude shows how different they are from her. but they’re also similar! sakura went through a lot just like medusa says and kama does have trauma related to shiva. its not the same circumstances but the same kind of suffering which explains the nuance here. and what i like about chaldea is that there’s been multiple instances where its been proven that servants can grow thanks to their relationships with guda (most common example: leveling up your bonds) BUT ALSO, saint graph evolution (alts). and as a kama fan i’d like to see them happy someday and this interlude as a whole is proof of their healing/coping because of the time they spent in chaldea and how they interact with others. more on that later ! here, they don’t recognize medusa which is normal since they’re not sakura (someone else entierly), but...

they care about her ! because of sakura’s influence being a part of the servant called Kama(assassin). the difference here is important !! but i’ll come back on this in a bit. quick mention to the greek cupid <3 kamadusa nation we were fed (i clap by myself because im the only one who has 57575757557 kama rarepairs-----)

kama is a delinquent whos horny in class but still takes a few notes, enough to do well on their tests! and thats tea<3 smart horny lazyass !! theyre a gift

SO ARJUNA WAS OUT FOR BLOOD ????? ANYWAY, this is right after the actual fight against weirdo terrorists, and im happy to know that kama DOES enjoy a good fight (as proven in their voicelines as well) but theyre not a farming unit because it’d be too much work (single target NP..)...!!!!!!! lavish god of love.... 

FINALLYYYYYYYYYYY THE REAL DEAL !!!!!!!!!!!! “it feels wonderful to be your girlfriend” christ, kamadeva was so used to being a husband and a good lover, it reflected in their servant version.... but ree what do u mean by servant version???

I MEAN THE OBVIOUS !! kama explains it very well in the screenie just above ! 

“You know very well how servants work.”

KAMA ASSASSIN (the servant in your chaldea) is neither KAMADEVA or SAKURA MATOU or MARA. they’re a MIX OF PARTS OF THE THREE. creating an entierly new person(in this case, servant) !!!! it might sound like i’m repeating myself, but this is important!!!!!!!!! i will say this multiple times so people remember it !!! and if u already had this figured out: GOOD JOB I LOVE U !!!

Kamadeva (the god) has many stories, ones where he was born from concepts (dharma and shraddha), one where his parents are brahma and sarasvati, one where his parents are vishnu and lakshmi, stories about his reincarnation after his death where his parents are krishna and rukmini, his love with Rati and so on. We all know Sakura’s backstory since this is nasuverse. And Mara is a demon, an entity that tried to corrupt Buddha and prevent him from reaching enlightenment/stray from the path. Kama assassin has parts from all of these entities which explains why they have a vague longing for Rati, why they have a soft spot for Medusa and why they have an affinity with Kiara(and also like talking about corrupting u !). 

they then mention how a japanese highschool setting is fun and all i have to say is: i’m gonna make an indo fam delinquent vs student council au out of this one folks !!!!!!!! i gotta !!! 

OK next

TIME FOR THE SECOND DREAM SEQUENCE WHICH I WAS VERY VERY VERRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY AFRAID OF BEFORE THE TRANSLATION CAME OUT.

THE PART WHERE KAMA ACTS LIKE YOUR CHILD.

well with their stage 1 it was expected but without the translation i have to say that i was scared shitless! because people hate thinking! and even if kama clearly tells you that it’s a charade, u know a JOKE. A DREAM SEQUENCE. DONT BE A CREEP. KAMA INTENDED FOR IT TO BE WHOLESOME. i know some ppl wont use their brains. but u know its fgo and degenerates are everywhere. 

anyways. family bonding time ensues until another monologue appears!!

exactly like before, kama mentions myths that belonged to kamadeva. Meaning that the Kama in our chaldea isn’t the Kamadeva we know and is not Pradyumna either but the fact that the writers chose to have kama acknowledge it is very reassuring !!! Because it means that they’ve chosen to make it a part of their (complicated) history. Kama says that Pradyumna is the myth about themself they know the least, once again proving us that the Kama in our Chaldea (Assassin) is a different entity and that they were summoned to the throne upon their death, the moment they were burned by Shiva’s flames and became Ananga, in any case they’re still familiar with all of their own myths. it allows us to keep heroic spirits separate from their original myths. Obviously! And in the case of pseudo-servants, it allows us to keep them separate from their vessels. Cuz this is a fanservice japanese game. Andddd the fandom likes forgetting this fact quite a lot i’ve noticed. As a person who loves thinking about tons and tons of headcanons for fun, this allows us a lot of space ! Because this is fate/grand order at its base. Nasuverse. 

I’m glad that the interlude explains it so clearly, it’s very good !! Because the majority of myths from every culture are confusing, family trees are confusing, names are confusing, powers and attributes are confusing... its a mess !!!! the fgo characters we know are just cut from their own respective timelines/historial figures so the writers can organize themselves more easily. Like cutting halves from a big cake. Kama (Assassin) is the Kama that died from Shiva’s flames and became the universe ONLY. In Nasuverse, Arthur Pendragon is a woman. Anastasia Romanov NEVER had a demon familiar named Viy in real life despite the creature being part of russian folklore. u know ! im russian i can testify dude !! 

hopefully everyone got this bc i wont be explaining this any further dude, its exhausting !!!!!! bangs my hands on the table !!!!! 

ANYWAYS kama mentions “eternal pain that turns [them] into ash” being their key element. Their trauma is at the center of their heroic spirit self, what they are as a servant. This suffering is tied to everything they do, why they’re so lazy, why they’re so lax, why they’re so detached from their job.  But they’re not detached from their role. And “job” and “role” have different connotations here. They refuse to work as a cupid because of obvious reasons. BUT. They’re not detached from their role as the God of Love, as the God of Passion. The embodiment of those feelings. This whole interlude is proof ! They’re giving u free therapy because they Love you. Passion. They feel your love. Passion. They acknowledge how much fun you’re having. How passionate you are about certain things. They might seem extremely detached and hateful, but they aren’t. They’re one of the most empathetic servants there is. And their ability to love everything, even the things they hate is what makes them so miserable. Because it’s a part of them. Because the concept of Kama in hinduism is linked to them. Be it lust or simply the passion born from anything you do where you’re enjoying yourself. (quote:  “ the term also refers to any sensory enjoyment, emotional attraction and aesthetic pleasure such as from arts, dance, music, painting, sculpture and nature “. R. Prasad (2008), History of Science, Philosophy and Culture in Indian Civilization )

... I’d like to say that this contrast with Mara is interesting. And that i’m glad the writers chose to add in Mara to the kama assassin Beast mix. 

Because the anger Mara feels can become a drivepoint for Kama. I’ve always believed that anger and sadness are two sides of the same coin, it’d explain how layered Kama is and how valid their emotions are. Constantly torn between love and hate. An eternal grudge (i don’t deserve to be hurt like this) and an eternal misery(maybe i do deserve to be hurt like this). 

i wish they were my roommate <3 oh fuck ree got emotional wait where were we.

OH YEAH

i think kama saying that they dislike being involved with other indian servants because theyre linked to shiva is a feeble attempt at trying to keep up a strong front because they still love them in the end. cuz that’s how kama is ! after a while they’ll get bored of bullying ganesha and ashwatthama. they’ll get interested in rama because their respective mythos are linked even if their servant selves have no connection. hell, at the end of the interlude they talk about parvati and how they themself changed and realized things. BUT OH WELL, THATS STUFF FOR ANOTHER POST HEHE thats just ree wanting kama to b happy yall move along !!

.....THIS ISNT A COLLEGE STUDENTS ROLEPLAY BUT ITS A CUTE JAPANESE COMPANY BOSS/UNDERLING SETTING AND ITS CUTE SO I THINK KAMA WEARING A PENCIL SKIRT AND POURING U ALCOHOL IS CUTE. CUTE.

further proof of kama’s overflowing affection and what i detailed above!! hopefully u all knew this one simply from reading this interlude/their profile page and dont need me to write it down for u. HOPEFULLY !!!!!

(I START BEATBOXING VERY RAPIDLY AND RUNNING TOWARDS YOU) KAMA IS A SADIST AT THEIR CORE AND I WILL NEVER STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they’re easy to fluster because theyre not used to being so vanilla, but whats underneath is how they truly are !! a beast turned servant, the sweetest sadist !! theyre very mature and this interlude is so well written (wipes my teears

this is directly linked to what i explained above, by burning you away, you’ll melt into nothingness just like they did. When they were the universe, they felt both everything and nothing. 

But was it really relief ... ?

... IT WASNT.

AND PARVATI SAVES THE DAY !!!!!!! phew!! thank u paru, it’d still like to be able to touch kama’s huge titties and i cant do that if i turn into ashes (falls down the stairs

ok she summoned lovey dovey canon couples to annoy kama since they’re exhausted of seein them!!

...............(I TAKE OUT A KNIFE) TAKE THAT BACK. DONT TALK TO THEM LIKE THAT. TAKE THAT BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

ohhhhhh im obsessed i love when theyre angry<3 i love when theyre fighty <3 i think they should beat the living shit out of a boxing bag DAILY to let out some of this steam. they’d be a monster on the ring... aaa kama in training boot y shorts aa a .. .uughg hg ouu... (you all shove me into a locker)

ok this is interesting !! i think that the interlude showing us that parvati feels a semblance of guilt is character dev. proof for what i mentioned before!! in ookuu parvati felt quite ..unsympathetic to me, even if kama is a beast who wants to annihilate humanity, when u think about it, at their core their grudge is because of her and shiva’s betrayal. and here, she properly apologizes for making kama so upset. this is heartwarming to me since i dislike thinking that members of the indo fam hate eachother :( same goes for arjuna and karna, at some point i’d like for them to act like bros normally and finally be comfy. but anyways !!

u wake up from the dreams and da vinci, mashu and paru are here to tell u whats going on. But its fine bc u remember everything and u have to go thank someone for helping u out!!!

CUTE !!!!!!! THEY CARE ABOUT U !!!!!! but whether it be because of their role or because theres a deeper meaning is entierly up to your own interpretation because...

of what they say here. 

and here !! 

ohhhhhhhhh this is so important !!!!!!

this is actual proof of kama’s growth as a servant and how servants evolve in chaldea !! chaldea is not the same as a grail war, its a special, cut-off place and thats what makes it even more relaxing to think about. Everytime u summon a servant in ur chaldea u give them a chance to have fun with you, to have fun with other servants, to make amends, to start from scratch, to discover things they would’ve never known in their time (movies, video games, tons of different foods etc...), u give them a chance to relax. to grow !! this is the headcanon that im most attached to and im glad to see it be confirmed in the interlude of a character i love tbqh i had to stop and talk about that.

everyone say thank u kama !! can we roleplay a college roommate coffee shop slowburn au next time <3 

ANYWAYS if you’ve read it this far: thank you !!! im sorry if you expected something very serious, im not that type of person hehe im jus here to have fun and look at things i like, and the interlude itself was quite lighthearted and refreshing. By talking about the myths and all of kamadeva’s stories, the writers basically gave lore nerds a huge thumbs up like... “its ok now !! u can go ape now !! go be insane<3 love u<3″ and all of this kama characterization GENUINELY makes me so happy because i think they really needed that. kama assassin... (i blow a kiss to the sky) is a little mess of a servant... a god, human crumbs and a demon... a total mess... im in love with them...

..............tho now the wait for a summer alt where they interact with the entire indo fam begins (im sitting in a chair unmoving)(i have a gun in case minase begins acting gross

[goldmajesty]

kageyama internalizes everything he’s told: an hq!! meta about kageyama’s development

note: i accidentally deleted the original meta while trying to make an edit. i’m reposting it again!

everyone and their mother knows about kageyama’s growth, most explicitly shown when hinata (re)crowns him in chapter 224. what i want to focus on is how kageyama is continuously evolving from the beginning, specifically in four panels in chapter 22. note: kageyama's change can be seen before chapter 22, from practicing for the 3-on-3 with hinata to the actual 3-on-3 to the practice match against seijoh but i'm only going to be analyzing panels from the practice match against the neighbourhood association. the four panels i'll be dissecting are simple and nothing extraordinary but man, oh man, was i struck by them. there's quite a lot to unpack so strap in folks!

contextual summary:

hinata is gazing at asahi, whose playing with the neighbourhood association, across the net. asahi's spikes are powerful and he has a support network with suga and noya, all which hinata recalls the tiny giant having when he saw him play on-screen. at this point, hinata has ignored what kageyama was saying because he was so in awe of asahi and what it means to be the ace.

let's start with panel 1:

kageyama sees hinata being captivated by the ace and the ace position and by this point, kageyama has told hinata at least twice (or thrice?) that his position as middle blocker and decoy is as equally important and cool as the ace. but kageyama sees hinata being struck by just how cool the ace is both in action and up close. the look on kageyama's face, brows furrowed and mouth slightly agape, is a look of concentration as he's trying to decipher what hinata might be thinking about the ace and his own position as decoy.

panel 2:

so now kageyama has concluded that hinata is probably thinking that being a decoy isn't all what kageyama and noya said it'd be in comparison to the ace. with furrowed brows and a hard look (a look that's slightly different from the one in panel 1), kageyama starts with "hey" and ends with "..." when hinata turns around and cuts off his speech bubble with that ecstatic glow and smile and blush and those praising words. what kageyama thought hinata was thinking wasn't it at all.

panel 3:

now that kageyama sees hinata gush in awe, his envy still present but overall just honest praise and in awe of the ace, kageyama goes "..." against a black backdrop, which is meant to draw out comedy but it goes further than that—the backdrop also indicates a sudden change in kageyama's thought and perception of hinata. kageyama still has that concentrated look but it's different from the perceiving look in panel 1 and the frustrated, ready-to-yell-at-boke™ in panel 2. now that face is thinking deeply about hinata's expression, words and what they mean rather than relying on body language alone in panel 1. with the new information given in panel 2 (hinata’s praise and awed expression), kageyama is thinking about how exactly hinata's mind works when he's up against someone who is a rival/teammate/taller/more powerful and with the position he aspires for.

panel 4:

and then it all clicks. kageyama's face is no longer intensely concentrated and he's walking away with a calm, causal expression, saying "nothing." so many things are happening here. not only is there a complete contrast with what we see in panels 1-3 but we see kageyama come to a full understanding of hinata's stance against the ace position and inspiring rivals.

A) in contrast to panel 3, the background is white (it's not of the gym! but! white!!!), indicating it's not a backdrop of deep thinking but clarity. kageyama has concluded his earlier understanding was a misunderstanding.

B.1) in contrast to panel 2, while kageyama and hinata are in the same positions (foreground and background, respectively), the expressions are completely different. compared to panel 2, where kageyama was cut off and hinata was fangirling nonstop, kageyama is the one who completes his sentence and hinata is the one without words (he's just a question mark much like kageyama's "...").

B.2) also notice how kageyama's "hey..." and hinata's "what?" break the panel borders. both of those are moments when they don't expect what the other is going to say/is thinking; both of those are moments where they miscomprehend what the other's body language says. these miscomprehensions (”hey...” and “what?”), while understandable why one may come to those initial conclusions, exist outside of what’s actually going on in the characters’ minds/in the panels.

C) in contrast to panel 1, kageyama and hinata are in opposite positions. now, kageyama is dotted like hinata in panel 1. now, hinata is the one looking at kageyama, trying to figure out what kageyama wanted to say and why he said "nothing." it's amazing—hinata is over kageyama's shoulder like kageyama was in panel 1 and kageyama's head cuts off at the border like hinata's. the difference is that the reader sees kageyama's face unlike hinata's and that's telling because he actually speaks (even though kageyama reveals "nothing" to hinata, hinata doesn’t have to just rely on reading kageyama’s body language, he can rely on the word kageyama spoke), and we subtly end up knowing more about kageyama, meaning that…

...in conclusion:

kageyama has completely understood what hinata is thinking and what his words mean. there's no self-doubt* in hinata. there's no malicious thinking whatsoever. no double meaning, no hateful wishing, just admirable envy. and kageyama realizes all of this in just four panels; he doesn't need to berate hinata about how being decoy is important and as cool as the ace because that's not what hinata is thinking and kageyama gets that because he walks off cool as a cucumber. and because the reader sees him say "nothing" and because we literally see his face (unlike with hinata in panel 1 where we don't see his face and we may also conclude that hinata might be thinking lowly of his decoy position, if we didn't know better), kageyama has evolved in just a span of four panels. he learns about hinata but more importantly, the reader learns (if they're willing to infer) that kageyama is not just about to yell at his boke-hinata-boke™ teammate, but rather, he's trying to perceive and decipher and truly understand hinata, his teammate, and his thought process. and kageyama succeeds in doing so, a marvellous display of development from how we saw him in earlier chapters with his middle school team and before the 3-on-3. i'd even argue that kageyama learns another thing about how teammates work: you can praise and be inspired by each other, that there is such a thing as pure wonder at the thing you want most but can't have, and that hinata is much stronger than either of them realize. and this is all done without** kageyama being berated over the head by others to be a team player.

*see the note about hinata’s self-doubt after the TL;DR for further analysis.

**in chapter 2, daichi tells hinata and kageyama to learn what it means to be teammates and that learning process takes time but just being told once by daichi and once by suga in chapter 7 during the 3-on-3 ("there’s no way you can’t see your teammates too!”), kageyama internalizes that command and advice and actively tries to learn, which we see him do in these four panels.

TL;DR

kageyama evolves in four simple panels by 1) perceiving hinata's awe as possibly negative jealousy, 2) listening and hearing hinata's praiseworthy words and expression, 3) deciphering this new information and considering how his earlier deduction in panel 1 was misunderstood, and 4) walking off with a complete understanding of his teammate's psyche. it's just four simple panels but THIS is the moment when kageyama stops lecturing hinata about the ace/decoy debate and sees hinata isn't a loud puppy dog with redundant thoughts, rather he's positive and encouraging and a team player whom kageyama can learn from—and he does 🥰

a note on hinata’s self-doubt in chapter 22:

there’s no denying that hinata does actually think himself weaker than other players in height and skill level but it’s never negative jealousy or hateful wishing.

the panels below are right after those four panels above:

hinata experiences a moment of a lack of self-confidence but he shakes it out of his head. i’m hesitant to call this self-doubt because to me, it appears that his envy is leading him down a sad rabbit hole of low self-confidence (but no worries, we all know he’s going to get much, much stronger 💖)

this is the telling bit. asahi looks so powerful and tall and grand and accomplished in hinata's eyes (read the earlier bit in the chapter about hinata comparing what it means to be the ace between the tiny giant and asahi, about having a strong support network on court) and hinata can't help but feel jealous and saddened by the fact that he'll never grow to that height and that his position is decoy. no matter how much he develops into the greatest decoy, there will always be a part of him that strives to be the ace. then again, in these panels, hinata is more frustrated with his own lack of height, skill, and experience than feeling anything negative towards asahi/ace or the decoy position.

back to kageyama:

the moment daichi told kageyama and hinata to learn what it means to be teammates is the moment kageyama got put in his place, and what i mean by that is that in middle school no one bothered to really listen to kageyama and assess where he was coming from but good ol’ daichi does (along with suga, and tanaka to some extent) and like a good captain, daichi handles kageyama’s behaviour with respect. ever since daichi’s command and working with hinata, kageyama has tried to implement what he’s told and advised to do in his actions, leading to a constant evolution which we can catch ever so subtly on page. kageyama still has a long way to go in terms to developing trust with the team and players but karasuno is exactly what he needs. daichi, suga, tanaka and hinata are already aware of kageyama’s attitude problems from the middle school game and they know what to look out for but regardless, or rather because of that, they’re completely accepting of him. what’s left to do is build trust and understanding between teammates and kageyama is working on that constantly. he may lack people skills but i think he gives himself far less credit than he deserves.

edit (june 17, 2020):

fool. i am a fool.

sorry to everyone who read this lengthy post but disregard my statement about how “THIS is the moment when kageyama stops lecturing hinata about the ace/decoy debate” because kageyama does, in fact, yell at hinata about the ace debate in literally the next chapter.

i (originally) wrote this meta at 3AM and my brain literally forgot the iconic moment between kageyama and hinata, in which kageyama says “with me around, you are the greatest!” during the neighbourhood association match.

i’ve watched the anime three times in two months and it’s my first time reading the manga and i knew what to expect but still, my brain went d E L e T e. anyway, there will be a part-two to this meta about what happens in chapter 23 and how it relates to kageyama’s development in chapter 22.

[passionate-reply]

Do you “fucking love” science? Have you ever been blinded by it? Well, it doesn’t really matter, because that goofy little number isn’t really supposed to be on Thomas Dolby’s debut album in the first place. Find out about all the awesome OTHER stuff that’s actually meant to be here, in this new installment of Great Albums! Transcript below the break.

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! Today, I’ll be talking about a stellar album by one of those artists who have gone down in history as “one hit wonders,” despite producing a deep catalogue that’s often more impressive than that one song they end up known for: it’s The Golden Age of Wireless, the debut LP of Thomas Dolby. Chances are pretty good you’ve heard his big hit, “She Blinded Me With Science,” before...at least, if you’re American.

Music: “She Blinded Me With Science”

Like I said, if you’re American, you’ve heard this one before. If anything, it’s oversaturated! But if you’re from elsewhere in the world, you might not know it. Growing up in the US, I went through the whole gauntlet of alleged “one hit wonders” of 80s synth-pop, and a great many of them turned out to be British artists who had perfectly respectable careers in their native UK: Gary Numan, Soft Cell, and OMD, for example. Thomas Dolby is also British, but he’s apparently more famous here than he is across the pond--which is still not that famous.

He really ought to be, though, because The Golden Age of Wireless is a true masterpiece. Or, at least it WAS, in its original form. It’s actually a tough album to talk about, insofar as it’s hard to pin down what exactly constitutes “The Golden Age of Wireless.” It’s had quite a few different pressings, and a variety of different track listings. And the original version of it does NOT include “She Blinded Me With Science.” While I’d never argue that it’s a bad song, since it is insanely fun, and catchy to the point of being irresistible, it really does not belong on this album. I’m sure it helped them move copies of it, but its inclusion kind of ruins the vibe, to be honest. Its in-your-face and flamboyant hooks make it feel like a very unwarranted intrusion on an otherwise fairly serious and contemplative LP, which seems to have been intended as a fairly tight and thoughtful concept album.

Aside from that glaring issue, there are a few other tracks that have appeared on later versions of the album that weren’t there from the start, namely, the two tracks from Dolby’s first ever-release, a double A-side of “Urges” and “Leipzig,” as well as “One of Our Submarines,” the B-side of some versions of “She Blinded Me With Science.” All of these tracks are excellent, and mesh with the thematic and sonic character of the album quite well. “One of Our Submarines” in particular is often considered one of the best tracks of Dolby’s career--melancholy, claustrophobic, and stinging in its poignant sense of tragedy. It captures the misery and futility of modern war, as well as the sunset of the British Empire after the Second World War...and there’s a sample of a dolphin, too. It’s easily the track that I most wish had been included from the very start.

Music: “One of Our Submarines”

But now that that’s over with, I’d like to drill down and talk about how the album operates in its original form, as the artist intended. Like I said earlier, The Golden Age of Wireless is best understood as a concept album, and I think of it in a similar league as classics like the Buggles’ The Age of Plastic, OMD’s Dazzle Ships, or even Kate Bush’s Hounds of Love. The original track listing opens with “Flying North,” a stellar introduction to one of the most prominent themes of the album: freedom!

Music: “Flying North”

“Flying North” is an exultant anthem of self-determination, and one clearly mediated by “metal birds”--aeroplanes, that is. It’s a celebration of the independence allowed by technology, and a rather winsome one, in which this almost macho image of a heroic pilot takes center stage. The final track of the album, “Cloudburst At Shingle Street,” is a bit more esoteric, but seems to be aiming for a pretty similar idea overall, and I’d argue that the two of them form thematic “bookends.”

Music: “Cloudburst At Shingle Street”

“Cloudburst At Shingle Street” leads us through the technological evolution of mankind, from swinging from trees to paving concrete beaches--but the spacey synth warbles beneath those lines give them an ominous bent. The assertion that we might be heading into a cloudburst “mindless,” “naked,” or “blindly” is unnervingly cynical, but, we’re told, “there’s no escaping it.” Despite all of these signs that our better judgment should be resisting the temptation of this miraculous cloudburst...this triumphant, rising coda, with its powerful choir encouraging us onwards, seems to muddle the whole thing. The untethered, free-roaming nature of modern life isn’t always this sexy and exuberant, though--consider the track “Weightless,” as a counterpoint.

Music: “Weightless”

“Weightless” certainly seems to be about modern transients of some sort--in this case, traveling by car--but never lionizes them or makes them too terribly enviable. Instead, the focus is on the image of the draining fuel tank: the constant emptiness and craving for meaning, validation, and genuine love. No matter the allure of this very American, Route 66-like setting, the gas stations, cinemas, and decadent diner meals along the way are never any real substitute for an emotionally authentic life. That setting is, of course, a wistfully backward-looking Midcentury one. Nostalgia and childhood naivete are also among the album’s major themes, and are expressed the most clearly on “Europa and the Pirate Twins.”

Music: “Europa and the Pirate Twins”

Narratively, “Europa and the Pirate Twins” is a bittersweet story of childhood playmates who never quite re-unite, despite promising to be together again someday. The really interesting wrinkle is the fact that the narrator’s beloved Europa has become a famous celebrity as an adult, and the narrator is essentially a fan of her despite their real-world relationship. It’s an uncanny, confused parasocial relationship dynamic that feels extremely contemporary, despite the fact that it’s ultimately more of a commentary on the rise of teenager-oriented marketing during the Midcentury than anything else. The strange, often unhealthy relationships between young people and mass media, particularly radio, are another one of the major sources of tension on The Golden Age of Wireless. “Europa and the Pirate Twins” is also one of the more interesting tracks, instrumentally, featuring a prominent harmonica part, performed by Andy Partridge of XTC. Given how much the album strives to be about the future and past simultaneously, steeped in nostalgia and utopian visions alike, it makes sense to hear Dolby blend elements of traditional folk or popular music with forward-thinking synth-pop sensibilities. Listen also for a flute on “Windpower,” and a substantial amount of guitar on “Commercial Breakup,” a song that proves Dolby certainly can rock, if he feels like it.

Music: “Commercial Breakup”

The cover art for The Golden Age of Wireless isn’t exactly the most iconic, but I’ve always thought it was very beautiful. You’ve got this very eye-catching, lurid, pulp magazine style illustration of Dolby as a diligent, yet glamourous engineer, radiating with the complementary colour palette of orange and blue, the perfect picture of retro cool. But it’s framed and inset, to give us a conscious sense of observing something that’s coming to us from another time, an artifact preserved. That patina and sense of the antique is amplified by this dull-coloured background, which actually shows a marble sculpture gallery in a museum, though that’s tough to make out unless you have it right in front of you. The numerous shades of irony operating here are another thing that make the album feel strikingly contemporary.

I’m also a huge fan of the album’s title. “Wireless,” if you weren’t aware, is an old-fashioned term for radio. Radio itself is a strong theme on the album, most obviously on the track “Radio Silence,” but the use of the term “wireless” isn’t just another piece of retro nostalgia--I think it’s also evocative of that sense of free-flying, untethered independence I talked about earlier. The first half, i.e., “golden age,” is perhaps even more important. “Golden age” is an extremely loaded term that brings a number of rich associations to the table. “Golden ages” are simultaneously longed for, but not fully believed in. They’re bygone eras that usually felt like nothing special to the people who actually lived through them, despite their greatness being palpable to anyone reflecting on them in hindsight. In every golden age, there’s a poetic tragedy.

I think that even if someone did buy this record just to get their hands on “She Blinded Me With Science,” they’d probably be at least a little bit disappointed in what they got. The album does have some decent pop singles, chiefly “Radio Silence” and “Europa and the Pirate Twins,” but they’re still humming with nostalgia and unease, and not without some substantial experimental DNA.

Music: “Radio Silence”

While they cut the single weirdest track on the album, “The Wreck of the Fairchild,” they still retained some fairly ambitious tracks, such as “Windpower”--clearly an ode to Kraftwerk’s “Radioactivity.” It’s hard to be angry with an electronic musician for trying to rip off Kraftwerk, since they all do it one way or another, and in this case it invites a natural comparison between two great concept albums focused on the theme of radio.

Music: “Windpower”

Overall, though, The Golden Age of Wireless is still a reasonably accessible album on the whole. Possibly not what you expected, and certainly, a work that’s more sentimental and affecting than good for the dance floor, but as far as poignant, ballady, diesel-punk odes to the tragic techno-optimism of the Midcentury go, I’d say it’s not all that hard to get into! Dolby does have a pop core, as an artist, that he’s quite capable of selling to us if he chooses to. For proof of that point, look no further than the single “Hyperactive!” which he followed this up with a few years later:

Music: “Hyperactive!”

When discussing an ostensible one-hit wonder, there’s a distinct temptation to resort to “they deserved better” style rhetoric. On one hand, yes, I do think more people should hear Thomas Dolby’s music, and that it has a lot to say to us. I’m all about obscure music finding new life and being appreciated. That said, in the case of Dolby, I think he basically got what he wanted, in the end. He’s always been more keenly interested in music’s many behind-the-scenes roles than he has in chasing pop stardom himself--he’s produced music, and scored a number of films and video games over the decades. It feels kind of wrong to tell someone who’s successful at one thing that they “deserve” to be successful at something different, just because we may want to hear him do it, or because we esteem one skillset more highly than the other. Ultimately, The Golden Age of Wireless is a Great Album on its own terms, whether Dolby ever decides to grace us with another synth-pop release under his own name again--which he did in 2011, with A Map of the Floating City. But it’s his decision, as an artist, and the fact that he can choose to or not is a luxury that allows him integrity. I think that’s the way it ought to be.

My overall top track on this album has got to be “Airwaves,” a song in which the narrator dies, tragically and suddenly, in an automobile accident. It’s not the sexy, “Warm Leatherette” sort of car accident, but rather a dismally realistic one, that shows quite frankly how undignified death can be. Sometimes, we aren’t so much doomed heroes as we are frightened, sickly children, defeated by our own fickle bodies. The last thought our narrator gets is “I itch all over, let me sleep”; their honour perishes just moments before they do. Meanwhile, the radio is a constant presence throughout, and serves as both something to anchor the scene in the droll and quotidian, as well as ultimately becoming something transcendent. The promise of “airwaves” is not only the human interconnectedness made possible by technology, but also a hint at the ultimate destiny of human souls, a kind of ethereal afterlife in the sky. The meandering lulls of the verses contrast sharply with the song’s eerily soaring refrain, which enhances that feeling that those “airwaves” occupy some sort of higher plane. On that surprisingly heavy note, that’s all I’ve got for today, so thanks for listening!

Music: “Airwaves”

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero

I guess I should provide my hottt takes on the new DBS movie.  A few days ago, they did this video for Comic Con announcing the title of the movie and teasing some details about the story.  

I gotta say, this is exactly why I’ve never had any interest in Comic Con.    They put this on YouTube, I guess because of the pandemic, but any other year they would have gathered an enormous crowd and made them stand in line for hours to watch all of this in person.   I live in the Midwest, and when I went to comic book conventions it was for the sole purpose of rummaging through back issue bins.   SDCC was always promoted like the biggest and most important convention in the U.S., but all I ever heard about it were trailers for movies and TV shows.   Or, like, you had to go to Comic Con because that was the only way to get an exclusive Orange Lantern Hal Jordan action figure or something.   They would always hype up all of this useless stuff and I just never heard of anything so important that I was willing to fly out to San Diego and stand in line for three hours for it.   So now SDCC peels back the curtain with this video, about something I’m fairly interested in, but it’s really not that big a deal.  I found out most of the information on Twitter before I even knew to watch this video.

But I’m just not that hyped about trailers or sneak peaks or sneak peaks at trailers.   Which is probably why I waited this long to talk about it.  

I’ll just go through the video.   The first four minutes are Hironobu Kageyama performing “Cha La HEAD Cha La” live on the stage.   That’s a pretty epic way to open this, but I feel like it oversells the importance of this event.  You finish watching him and you think you’re about to see the movie itself, instead of hearing from the people who made it.  

Next we have Sascha, the host of this panel.   He speaks better English than I do, but I’m not sure what the point was in having any of this in English since he has to talk to the guests in Japanese.   Pretty much all of the important information in this video is in Japanese, and I think everyone understood that going in.   I guess it does give an international feel.  If I spoke another language as fluently as Sascha, I’d want to show it off too.

4:56 is where Masako Nozawa comes out, and she’s just a joy to watch.   She looks like this sweet grandmotherly figure, all warm smiles and then she busts out “Ossu! Ora Goku!” and immediately sounds like a badass. 

Guest #2 is Akio Iyoku, Toriyama’s editor.   Not to be confused with the awesome editor who poo-pooed all the androids and Cell’s semiperfect form.    That was Yu Kondo.  Iyoku comes out dressed like Goku, but he can’t talk like him so he’s immediately second-tier. 

Guest #3 is Norohiro Hayashida, Producer from Toei Anaimation.   He is also rocking the Goku cosplay, which would be a faux pas in most fandoms, but he can just say that he’s cosplaying as Krillin or Yamcha, which gives him greater nerd credibility because those are more obscure references.

Around 8:30 we really start getting into this, and they show us a model sheet of Piccolo.  Is Piccolo being in the new movie a big surprise?   He had a dry spell in the mid-90s, but he’s been in every Dragon Ball movie made in this century so far.   And it’s not like they changed his look, like when they put Goku and Vegeta in those adorable coats last time.   I’m not complaining about any of this.  It’s nice to see that a) Piccolo is confirmed for new movie and b) they didn’t tinker with his appearance.  

All I’m saying is that they only brought up this model sheet to show off how they’re using his color scheme from the manga as opposed to the anime.   Hence the red belt and the yellower arm sections.   In the anime, the belt was always blue, and his biceps were hot pink instead of off-yellow.   But it’s such a subtle thing that even Sascha didn’t pick up on it.   It’s like they were hyping up the fact that it’s such a minor change.    I like it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a weird flex.   Also, he looks like he still has his five-fingered anime hands, so I’m not that impressed.   Give us four fingers, Toei!

Sascha asks Masako Nozawa what she thinks about Piccolo and she just starts off with “He was Gohan’s teacher,” and talks about how strong and cool he looks.    She speaks of him like he’s a family member, because she’s awesome.

Next up, we have Pan, and now we’re talking.  The scuttlebutt is that this was the character Toriyama was referring to when he spoke of an “unexpected character”.  And I guess Pan fits the bill, since I don’t think anyone expected her to be this old in the movie.   I understand this is her kindergarten uniform, so she’d have to be about five or six years old.  I love Masako Nozawa’s reaction here.   Throughout this video, you can see that Goku and Gohan aren’t just roles to her.   

I’ll put on my fanboy hat here and point out that Pan’s age may imply that this movie takes place after the final episode of Dragon Ball Z.    She looks older here than she did when she fought Wild Tiger, at any rate.   So far, the entire Dragon Ball Super franchise has been set during the ten-year gap between the Buu crisis and the finale of Z.    So everyone has been wondering if DBS would move beyond End of Z, or whether Akira Toriyama even still recognizes the continuity of those final chapters.   They were supposed to be ten years of peace, but all the battles in DBS say otherwise.   Also, I’m pretty sure Pan and Bulla’s ages in the DBZ finale don’t line up well with their appearances in Super, but I’ve never studied it very closely.  

So this might be set post End of Z, or this might be Toriyama retconning End of Z altogether.  I’m interested to see which way this goes. 

Here’s Krillin, still working for the police, although his uniform looks more like Bronze Age Lex Luthor than anything else. Like Piccolo, the “big” story here is that he’s been tweaked to resemble the coloring in the manga, so his sclera are now white instead of fleshtoned.  

Never mind that, here’s Piccolo’s house.  This is probably the breakout star of this video, because I think everybody is excited to see Piccolo’s house.   Because it’s new lore!  No one even knew if he had one or not.   It was a running gag in DBZ Abridged that he was homeless.   I mean, congratulations to Krillin for getting his eyes colored in right, but that doesn’t tell me anything new about the character.  But Piccolo’s house is a big friggin’ deal.   What’s inside of there?  What’s on the second floor?   Check out his mailbox.   What kind of mail does he get?  It’s exciting.  

Nozawa even points out that she and her co-workers would talk about this sort of thing in the recording studio.    That’s a big deal to me, that the voice actors think about the same kind of stuff that I do as a fan.   

Around 15:30, they start talking about Toriyama’s commitment to the making of this movie, which seems like a weird thing to focus on, because he wrote the screenplay to the last two movies.   Did anyone think he was stepping back? I get the impression that there’s still some hard feelings about the failure of Dragon Ball Evolution, in the sense that they want to reassure everyone that we’re still in good hands.   I suppose one of these days, Toriyama won’t be as heavily involved in a project like this, so maybe it makes sense for Toei and Shueisha to make it clear that today is not that day.

On the other hand, Toriyama was just as involved with Broly as he was with Resurrection F, and Broly was a much better film.  The Dragon Ball Super manga seems to have revived the old argument over who’s to blame when the story is a letdown, and I think that misses the point.  Look, the Zamasu arc sucked, and I don’t care who wrote what parts, or whether Toriyama had a bad idea or whether he handed a good idea off that was badly executed.   They can hash that out behind the scenes if they want to.  

About 19 minutes in, they show us this model sheet, and refuse to explain who these guys are or what they’re doing in the movie.   Are they villains?  Who knows?  I’d like to think they’re important characters to the story, but I have my doubts that Krillin will have a big part to play.  

At 20 minutes, they announce the title of the movie, and I’m not very thrilled with “Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero.” They can talk it up as much as they want, and maybe the title is relevant to the plot, but it’s just too many uses of the word “super”.   Especially when they’ve got another series called “Super Dragon Ball Heroes” on YouTube. 

Then we get this teaser trailer, or whatever you want to call it, with a CG Goku hopping around and doing his classic fighting pose.  Now, for some reason, lots of people concluded that this means the entire movie will be done in this CG style, which has led to a debate over whether or not that’s a good thing.  If they can make the whole movie look this slick, then I’m fine with it.  Hell, I’m not picky.   They could animate the whole thing in Yukio Ebisawa style, and I’d be thrilled. 

But I’m not understanding where people got the idea that it’s definitely going to be a 100% CGI movie.   They never spell that out in this video, and they even go out of their way to admit that this shot of Goku isn’t actually from the movie.   So is there some other source people are referring to, or did everyone just jump to conclusions?  

And that’s pretty much it.   I don’t mean to sound negative on this panel, but I don’t feel like they revealed very much, unless this is actually going to turn out to be Piccolo and Pan having an adventure by themselves.    I think Toei could make a movie like that and it would be a success, but I have my doubts that they’d go in that direction.  If this is going to turn out to be another big slugfest with Vegeta, then I’m down for that too, but don’t show me Piccolo’s house if the movie’s going to be about Vegeta punching a guy. 

Bottom line: I’m still looking forward to this, but I don’t feel like I know much more about the movie than I did before.   Well, except for the part about Piccolo’s house.  I’m looking forward to seeing the inside of it.

[girl4music]

Early morning perusings: A 'thing' is both thought and form. Thus, everything is beyond our understanding.

Without 'yin' and 'yang' there would be no experience of anything ever. And the whole thought of that is incomprehensible to me as there wouldn't even be 'thought'. And 'thought' is the fundamental of every 'thing'. That is not an exaggeration. A 'thought' is a thing in it's fundamental existence. In fact, most would probably say that a 'thing' cannot exist if it is ONLY thought and not form. Well, in that case, there is many formless things we need to reconsider calling a 'thing'.

'Love'.

'Energy'

'Electricity'

'Harry Potter'

If only form is a 'thing', then there is much about our existence and experience we should not call a 'thing'. So what else can we call it instead? An "idea"? A "concept"? A "substance"?

Thought exists if "things" exist. There would be no "thing" without thought. So to distinguish the differences between them is really quite pointless. Because 'form' itself is just another type of thought from the mental type. It is just one with energetic development behind it. And because two or more people can see and hear and feel "form"... It is often assumed that that is what is 'existence' and what is 'reality'. But like I said... If that is true, then there is much about 'existence' and 'reality' that we miss. The entire human experience is both of thought and form. So much so that there really is no separation or division between them. So that means that when the potential is excluded, the understanding is half-done. It means half of the understanding of reality... Or of existence...

Of the very "science" of it...

...

Is missing.

And you see, this is what Albert Einstein was trying to do. He was trying to unify all understandings of reality or of existence. He basically said that if the point was not to understand existence fundamentally, then there was no point to existence at all. Now that I disagree with, but I do understand why he thought that. Our understanding was incomplete in his eyes. In his mind, 'The Universe' was not unified because it was not understood entirely. I would rather put it as The Universe does not need to be entirely understood, but humanity should realize that "understanding" is what "The Universe" actually is in it's own experience. The Universe is fundamentally a formless thing. One formless thing at that. And that is why a "thing" of any form exists to us. Now to entirely understand that is impossible. Even for a genius, as THE GENIUS himself found out. It cannot be entirely understood. Only partially. And that's because only a part of what is going on is included in that understanding. The other part is excluded. Denied even.

I think a problem we have in understanding 'The Universe', of existence itself, is that we understand it in 'parts'. Because the thing is that there are no 'parts' to existence. It's all or nothing. The very nature of 'existence' is for everything to come and go together. There is no "part" to it. Form and thought come and go together. Form and thought imply each other. Form and thought are within and without of one another. How can you possibly "understand entirely" that?

I love Einstein, don't get me wrong. I thought he was brilliant. I do still think he is brillaint. But he was in way over his own brillaint head if he truly believed "unifying" the theoretical meant entirely understanding 'The Universe'.

"The Unified Field Theory".

How bold. How grand.

Realistic? No. Effable? No.

No theory will ever work to understand 'The Universe' because 'The Universe' does not need theory. WE NEED IT! And that is just something we do not get. Will not ever get. The fact that we think existence or reality itself needs a reason, needs an answer to exist or to be real. So I propose instead we should change the way we think and believe about reality or existence itself because our experience is fundamentally a "thoughtful" one. Before physical interaction there is the connection of mind and matter. A connection of which is so truly seamless, you could not distinguish one from the other. Nor should you. That is the only "understanding" we should have of reality or existence. Anything beyond that is a fool's game. We'll never truly see the end of our introspection if we carry on trying to "understand" passed and beyond our experience. That won't work. I am putting forth a suggestion that our experience should be what we understand 'The Universe' to be. And not just OUR experience of it but that of the experience of everything that is capable of experiencing. That of consciousness. That does not 'negate' or 'exclude' form. It does not deny the 'physical' or the 'tangible'. It does not make 'fantasy' more important than 'reality' or make 'theory' or 'philosophy' more important than 'science' or 'mathematics'. I am simply saying it ALL GOES TOGETHER. You cannot 'part' nature. That is what science is currently doing and has been attempting to do for decades. Getting to the bottom of it by slicing the very fabric of 'nature' in half. And they still believe that is the answer. And what for, exactly? What is the need to answer for? What is the POINT? What you're trying to do is better UNDERSTAND reality. Not better actual reality. And I suppose the excuse is that if you understand it better, you can actually better it. No... Better understanding it often leads to worsening it because science does not know when to leave well enough alone. And to think I am just some random white girl from some random town with a mind that is far too active in the early hours of the morning saying this. Postulating is fine and is fun. Attempting to use that postulation as a means to pack the entirety of The Universe in a pretty neat basket? Or to cut it down so that the mathematical equation fits on a t-shirt (e=mc2, anyone?)... Which is exactly what scientists and philosophers alike try to do on a daily basis... That's a fool's game. You'll be there forever and you'll miss out on the actual joy of experiencing. Of living. Just as Einstein did. He was so absolutely wrapped up in his equations and his theories that he forget to actually Live Life and neglected his family. He got lost in his own brillaint head and died unresolved.

I would honestly love to continue Einstein's work on the Unified Field Theory. Because it is without a doubt a brillaint theory, that could explain so much about how existence even works. But if it also means taking on his beliefs and his insistence to exclude quantum physics... I'm not interested. Because unlike him, I believe classical and quantum physics are happily married. I see no quarrel between them. He always did. And yes, it has a lot to do with my personal worldview. I won't deny that. I am biased towards my own personal understandings. But it also has a lot to do with the fact that I believe all worldviews are viable and can and will work together whether I agree with them or not. Whether I think they make logical sense or not. I don't agree with classical physics - or at least much of it. I think it is the wrong understanding of reality. An incorrect picture of existence. But despite that - I do also think it is very useful and beneficial to evolution. To have a wrong and incorrect way of understanding is not necessarily a bad thing so long as you don't close the book on everything else. Every other understanding, point of view, worldview... As long as you stay open-minded and open-hearted. Wrong and incorrect understandings have helped us shape reality from purely thought into form. Have helped us "create" much of The Universe... As well as "destroy" it. Humanity always needs a reason to do anything, right? Albeit a very bad one... But that's subjective of course. But I'm not gonna go into that.

I don't think it is lost on us as a species that this world (Earth) is one of thought and form tied together. Not most of us at least. But it is lost on us that this world (Earth) is a metamorphosis in constant change and evolution. An organism of it's own generation. And it is certainly lost on us how WE fit into that. Or indeed, are also, that. And as a logical opinionated person who does use understanding to a great degree in their conclusions about reality and existence, I think that is a perfectly plausible explanation to reality and existence. It's one that does not disclude "God" or "The Big Bang" or any other interpretation whatsoever. It is one that does not completely side with either classical or quantum physics or of "relativity VS quantum", as the age old debate goes. It is one that does not deny the "spiritual" or the "mechanical" worldviews of The Universe. It is one that is open-ended. And I am always willing to see any and all sides of the argument as I am one that believes in evolution in every way possible and that everything contributes to evolution in every way possible. Yes, even the Darwin "evolution" interpretation as restrictive as it is. I think it's all viable. I don't think any one theory or interpretation nullifies the other at all. Even if they completely contradict. Even if I completely disagree or have bouts of cognitive dissonance on it. I just think it all works in the sense that 'yin' and 'yang' works. Yes, that is the interpretation and worldview I go with most over all. But there is always room for others, for more or different information, and I welcome a great rousing debate on the subject. I don't take the argument so seriously. It's fun to me to peruse and prod existentialism. I believe it is possible to not see the 'The Universe' in 'parts' while still understanding everything has a part to play in it.

I think we take words too literally sometimes. Terms and definitions should be loose, not literal. Especially since they're made up in the first place. And going back to my original rant, I said that a thing would not be a "thing" without thought. Well, it would also not be a "thing" without word either. And while I do agree that words are important to experience. I don't agree that they should be used to term and define it - or nature. And this is because everything IS nature. And you cannot term and define the everything. You cannot box in The Tao. In many Eastern cultures The Tao is 'God'. It is beyond 'God' even. It is The Everything there is. Including that of which CREATES and DESTROYS The Everything there is. It is the fundamental source and fabric of reality and of existence itself . Of ALL THAT IS. And I understand ALL THAT IS as NATURE. And I stop right there. I don't go any further than that because words can only go so far if they are ever useful to understanding anything at all. Thoughts also... Only go so far. At some point you just have to give it up and take it as being beyond you. Beyond your capabilities and capacities to understand. And believe me, in spiritual circles, that's as "enlightened" as you're ever going to get. Ever going to achieve. If you want to move beyond that, you're setting yourself right back on the path to delusion. It is beyond you to move beyond it. In scientific circles, that's the equivalent of letting your theories or logic overcome your common sense and practicality to actually do "science". There is a point. It's not for me to say whether we should or shouldn't step beyond that point. Or insist it. But it is my belief we shouldn't. A belief based on the evidence being so far that we just make things much worse and much more complicated if we try to. And based on the consequences of that means living and experiencing takes a backseat. Goes into the background. That should never happen. Living should always be forefront of every picture we paint. The quintessential experience of everything is nature itself. Is 'God' itself. Is Tao itself. And I just think to want to go beyond that or to need an answer for that... That's a fool's game. I won't play that game. I'm not a fool.

I understand everything as 'yin' and 'yang'. The principle and process. The what and the how. I do not attempt to understand beyond that. I do not need to understand beyond that. Because I understand everything as 'yin' and 'yang', I understand how life itself connects and contradicts both at the same time. I understand how it is happily married and unhappily divorced at the same time. I need no further understanding than that.

'Yin' and 'yang' is it for me.

Done.

[doomedandstoned]

Gangrened Conjure Dizzying Atmosphere in ‘Deadly Algorithm’

~Review by Billy Goate~

Before us lies an enigma called 'Deadly Algorithm' (2021) by Finnish band GANGRENED, whom we've introduced you to before, when they dropped that wonderfully dreary doomer 'We Are Nothing' (2014). Let me share with you the diary of my thoughts as I immersed myself in their recently released full-length.

Deadly Algorithm by Gangrened

Deadly Algorithm starts with gentle, quiet picking that echoes faintly, but already surrounds us with a strange, if inviting, airspace. A melodic line develops as "Harrbåda" gains volume, building it seems towards a crescendo -- then suddenly stopping as a drumroll interrupts. The atmosphere returns to quirks and quarks, increasingly distorted notes, spikes of reverberating rhythm. All the while, the same short impermanent melodic motif makes its statement, until it flitters away into the void.

Deadly Algorithm by Gangrened

"Triptaani" makes a strong entrance, this time with galled vocal attack and a slow, but strong, guitar lead girded by the fuzz-sparked gears of bass and drum languidly moving this machine along. A hail of shredding follows, with cymbals crashing to a throbbing beat, leading to one ardent chord laid upon another. Eventually the pace slows to a crawl, with dissonant harmonies, and a wild solo from Jon Imbernon that's almost overcome by the industrial crunch of Lassi Männikkö's dumming, Joakim Udd's vile spew of noise, Mikko Mannistö's declamatory singing.

Deadly Algorithm by Gangrened

"Hologrammi" features more familiar doom pacing with a searing riffage, a slow burn flow of bass and drums, and clean (but pissed off) crooning. It's surrounded by a mesmerizing jumble of pedal effects, noise, downtuned instrumental buzz, and crackling amps -- of which make its climactic moment of vocal delivery emphatic and powerful.

Deadly Algorithm by Gangrened

Intricate guitar trilling action introduces “Kuningatar” and it sounds almost like temelos dancing upon its appointed harmonic scale in those opening moments. By the time the rest of the crew sounds off, it turns into a frightening ensemble, indeed. I imagine this would be quite chilling to experience in a live setting. While the vocals feel swallowed up in the great reverberating wall of sound, it seems to add to the mystique of the whole dim sound environment. Psychedelic noodling returns six minutes and if you listen carefully you can hear a seething malediction pronounced sternly beneath the fray of scattered noise, synth, and pedal effects. Great doom returns to ground us to reality and the band improvises a swirl of activity that makes me think of the wandering spirits released from the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Deadly Algorithm by Gangrened

”Triangeli” grabs hold of us with a rumbling bass line that establishes the song’s basic theme, soon to be reinforced by guitar. Meanwhile, words are spoken with accented cymbals and hypnotic drumming. The song ends with whispered lyrics uttered over a soundgarden of riffage, soft cymbals, omnipotent bass rumble, and the cycling sounds of amp feedback. I don't know the words, and the singer refuses to share them, so that means what he's singing is left up to your fertile imagination. Or you can just enjoy the vocal aesthetic and what it contributes to this dense, dark atmosphere.

A cathartic journey, indeed, which I ventured on while I was in an especially discouraged and pissed off mood. Even though I understood not its words, I felt its sentiment and it was in some way cleansing. Available digitally, on vinyl and compact disc as an independent release (order here).

Interviewing Gangrened Guitarist Jon Imbernon

By Billy Goate

You've been a band for quite a while. I understand you are one of the founding members, too. How did Gangrened form to begin with?

Well, we were a bunch of guys living in the same area around ostrobotnia, between kokkola and new karleby, here in the center west coast of finland. so few of us had the idea to do the band so we asked the others, but none of those guys except me are still in the band. high level of mobility because studies in this area of small towns, to bigger cities of Finland.

It sounds like there are challenges keeping a band together in Ostrobotnia? I imagine it makes it ver5y challenging to get new band members to replace the old. Is there much of a music scene to speak of?

Yeah, actually I'm not from here myself. I'm Basque/Spanish and in the specific area I live, like around 110 kilometers or so, there's no real bands or scene, but if you go forward you reach Oulu in the north or Seinajoki, bigger cities with more bands and such. And yes, from the exact spot I live now, I have needed to look more than 100 kms to find new members. I'm moving in a near future to Tampere, so that should help in strengthening the line-up.

So how long has the most recent crew of Gangrened been together?

Since May of 2015, just after some dates we played with Bongzilla in Finland, the entire line-up shifted.

Gangrened basically means "gangrene" right?

It's like "corrupted," you know? Yes, the name comes from the illness.

My grandfather's big toe got infected from a cut because he didn't treat it properly. When he finally went to a doctor, they told him he would have to amputate his foot to live. He refused, stating he wanted to die with both of his feet on. So he officially died of gangrene!

Ouch! Okay...

Did you pick Gangrened for any special reason, like the corruption of society or something like that?

Yeah, that kind of reason. I wanted some grimmy name, but actually now it's getting a bit inappropriate, as we are not so typically doom sludge anymore.

How would you describe/characterize your sound now?

Well, I would say it is deep and varied. Actually, I think this record is like transitional, just because, for example, one song "Hologrammi" is an old song we included. But newer stuff goes beyond what has been previously recorded, take songs like "Triangeli" or "Kuningatar."

Deadly Algorithm by Gangrened

We reviewed 'We Are Nothing' back in 2014, and at the time we described your sound in terms of: "Slow, behemoth sized riffs. Excessive feedback. Fuzz worship." What would you say has changed or is different now, as your sound, style, and general musical approach has evolved?

Well, at some point, just as an exercise of abstraction to what we were doing, how it was turning out with songs like "Triangeli" or "Kuningatar" I decided to look into my whole musical background, and keep on adding elements from it. Also I got bored of the regular sludge-doom thing. So I considered it more interesting, and more comfortable to me, to keep an essence of slow and heavy music, and atmospheric at times, but not so defined inside the regular sludge-doom thing. The atmosphere feels very trippy, even psychedelic at times.

Let's talk about the new album. Why is it called 'Deadly Algorithm'? I think about 10 years ago, I never used the word "algorithm," but now it's a common word that most people at least understand in concept.

Well, I'm studying now in the university again, engineering in information technology, and at same time i'm a person a lot with strong progressive values, so through my studies and also digging on related topics like online privacy or the evolution and development of the new technologies I found alarming how the new technologies are going and its implications.

There are several key things that many people do not think about: smart phones have like six sensors on average to spot your location, plus no company gives services for free. If so, it's because the product is the user of the service. There's no other reason for that. So beginning with these facts, there are a lot of things going on that everyone should be aware of, and the album theme is all about that. Nowadays, data algorithms are making more and more decisions in our lives that no more take into account true needs as humans.

It seems like we have created our own virtual prison, without even realizing it.

Yes, but the thing is who runs the prison? not ourselves at all.

Getting into the songs themselves, are they all sung in Finnish?

Yes. At first some were in english but then the singer decided to sing all songs in Finnish.

Starting with the first song, can you tell us what each title means and what themes you explore?

The first song ("Harrbåda") is simply the name of a coastal area around here. The second ("Triptaani") is a medicine for headaches. The third song ("Hologrammi") is named obviously after a hologram. The fourth ("Kuningatar") means "Queen" and the last ("Triangeli") is "triangle."

Is there any conceptual, thematic, or spiritual relationship between these tracks?

It's quite a personal thing to the singer, he wrote the lyrics and I can't exactly tell you their meaning because Mikko Mannistö is a bit secretive about it. But personal things, yes. Personal matters to him.

Tell us a little bit about the recording process. Where did you record, with whom, and are there any memories that stand out from that time?

Well, we started recording the record in june 2018, with a friend of the singer, at some big rooms in a youth center house. We did most of the recordings with him until February of 2019. At that time, we asked a few people to mix, master, and finish the process. but nothing worked and there was some time wasted waiting for answers.

I decided moving forward we would go with someone who is recording records all the time and known by us, so we asked Tom Brooke, an English guy who lives close to Jyväskylä, runs a studio, and is the live sound technician for Oranssi Pazuzu. So we finished the record, a few more guitar tracks, mixing, and mastering with him.

I remember there was a long time between sessions, so new ideas were constantly coming to us to add to the songs for the next session. That’s why some guitar tracks were added for mixing just the day before starting to mix.

I'm sure you were relieved once all the recording, mixing, and mastering was finally done!

Yeah ! like this is the record and now its totally defined and wrapped up. As a guitarist, what can you tell us about the guitar writing on the new album? Anything that you are especially proud of or that you think the listener should pay special attention to?

The intro is all played by me, and then the weirdest stuff, noisy guitar here and there, and the first half of riffs of triptaani , i'm quite proud of the first two or three riffs, and I used to be proud about some riffs in the middle of "hologrammi." The noisiest and more psyched out guitars of kuningatar.

Tell us about what you, as a guitarist, used in the studio while recording 'Deadly Algorithm'

Well, so I used three guitars to record the album: one Gibson SG Standard from the late '90s, another SG Standard from 1980, and a Gibson Les Paul Classic from around 1991. The SG from the late '90s was ultra-modded -- I changed the finish, pickups, electronics, tuners, but in the end sold it and now it's owned by David from Slomatics. The 1980 I just bought for the recording, so it was all stock. Later, I changed the pickups. The Gibson Les Paul also had all replaced tuners, circuit pickups, and so. It's my main guitar and I used it in most of the songs. The SGs I just used for "Triangeli," the last song.

About effects, I use a Big Muff Fuzz mainly, but also a custom Dunwich Amps FuzzThrone for the ultra heavy parts, like at the end of "Kuningatar." Other effects I used were the Dunlop Echoplex pedal and the Strymon Capistan. I love tape echo sounds and these pedals emulate it. Also, another effect I really like and couldn't live without is the Earthquaker Devices Transmisser. I used it in three of the songs.

Amps used included an '80s Laney AOR Pro Tube and Orange OR120 from 1975 and a late '70s Matamp GT120. Every rhythm guitar track was recorded with two of them at same time, mainly the Matamp and the Laney. That probably is the main sound of the album, but I think "Hologrami" I recorded with the Orange and the Matamp. About cabs, I used two Orange cabs -- one with Eminence speakers the other with WGS speakers.

Have you had a chance to play live at all since the pandemic?

Nope, we haven't been rehearsing either.

If you had your choice to tour with any five bands and play in any five places, what would they be and why?

We are keeping it for when there's no risk of cancellations, we have some date plans and so on, but it sucks to cancel things so we are just waiting. I would play with Unsane in New York for example then some bands I have liked recently, even if some are inactive at this moment. Belzebong, Nightslug, Domkraft, Follakzoid, and the body also.

That would be a sick line-up!

What parts of the world would you like to travel to?

Well, I've never been to America or Asia. I have been to Europe, the UK, and Russia only.

Okay, yeah it would be cool to have you come over here and play for us sometime.

Yeah, would be nice

Lastly, did you all wear your heart on the opposite sides of your head for this photo to give the illusion that your heads are on backwards? Or was it digitally manipulated to make it look like your heads were on the wrong way? I love the concept!

I made that pic myself. I took two photographs, one of us in front and another in the backs. So then I took the heads of the back picture and put on our front bodies pic, with Photoshop. David lynch-ish vibes!

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