#actually you know what ? idgaf about the logic behind it I don’t want to know lmao

[polyamorouspunk]

Terfs calling gender affirming surgery “self-mutilation” is so funny to me. Like sorry what exactly do they think is going on? I’m taking a knife and cutting off my tits like I’m in a goddamn saw trap? I’m inviting my friends over to have a party where they all grab knives and have a go at me like Ceaser? No lmao. I get my gender affirming surgery from PROFESSIONALS- the local Claire’s in my mall.

[icedteaandoldlace]

So there’s this “101 Reasons to Ship Snowbarry” video that keeps coming up on my YouTube suggestions. Idgaf about Snowbarry, and I’ve already hit the “not interested” button on similar videos before, but since I can’t seem to get away from video suggestions like this, I’m just gonna watch it and liveblog it, and bet that for every entry on the list, I can come up with a corresponding rebuttal for why Barrisco would make an even better couple. (I’m not gonna comment this ON the video ofc, this is just for my own amusement.)

Click the link above if you want to see the stuff I’ll be responding to, but be forewarned, that video is like, way long, so naturally it follows that this post is gonna be, too.

Additional note: If you are a Snowbarry shipper who has stumbled across this post somehow, now would be the time to stop reading, and also to add the “anti Snowbarry” tag to your filters if you wish to avoid running into posts like this in the future, ‘cause I ain’t interested in engaging in shipping wars.

Anyways, let’s go:

1. "How they met." Cisco woke Barry out of a coma by playing/singing a song about bisexuality, 'nuff said. (Also, part of the purpose of that scene was to introduce Caitlin as the serious, “down to business” one, and Cisco as the warmer, more easygoing one who’s trying to make Barry feel more comfortable.)

2. "They're both scientists." What is Cisco, an Instagram influencer?

3. If Caitlin being Barry’s personal doctor gets her romantic points, then the same should go for Cisco being his personal tailor. Actually, he should get more points, because there’s no moratorium on romantic relationships between tailors and their clients.

4. The way Barry and Cisco gaze into each other's eyes for non-medical purposes. This is too easy.

5. Uh. Cisco being the voice in Barry's ear while he's running, and often the first person he calls out to for help solving a problem.

6. They frequently take hold of each other's hands and shoulders.

7. Cisco comforts Barry while Caitlin tends to his wounds.

8 through 12 is literally just stuff about Caitlin being a doctor, and I don't find this stuff relevant enough to rebut because there's nothing inherently romantic about any of it.

13. "They both have fun together." Yes, Cisco also, the fun having, it happens, lots. Even more, actually.

14. Not really sure what to say for this one. Barry and Cisco noticing when each other is sad and then checking on each other (at Cecile’s baby shower and Barry’s bachelor party, respectively, and also on other occasions), comes to mind. That doesn’t have to do with noticing each other’s lips, per se, but I’ve never thought of either of these SB scenes as moments where Barry was staring at Caitlin’s lips, just as moments where he’s noticing her expression/overall mood, which is something he does with Cisco (and vice versa), too.

15. They all have nerdy hobbies, dude, they're nerds.

16. This one for SB is "she makes Barry drunk on purpose", which, y'know, she did because he wanted to be able to get buzzed, which Cisco has succeeded in helping him do, too (and the drink he made was more effective and longer lasting), but the way this is phrased is kind of suggestive, like Caitlin was doing it to lower his inhibitions (which she totally wasn’t), and uuuuhhhh, don't romanticize that maybe???

17. Cisco put all that tech into Barry's suit, including delivery menus from his favorite restaurants + wrote him an instruction manual, and sped up all his favorite shows so he could catch up on what he missed while he was in the speed force.

18. Barry makes Cisco's (and everyone's) hair fly everywhere when he speeds out of a room, too. Like, this is just basic physics, fam, wyd?

19. Barry also uses his powers to help Cisco. And...literally everyone who needs his help, this is basic superhero stuff, wyd?

20. He is impressed with Cisco, frequently.

21. Just having nicknames? He calls him "bud", "dude", etc., and one time he called him "Cis". (Bonus: Iris and Cisco have called Caitlin "Cait", too, so it’s not just a Ronnie and Barry thing.)

22. Cisco can make anything to help Barry. They're literally top-notch genius scientists, I don't even

23. Obviously they think each other makes great company, they're best friends. All of them.

24. They comfort each other. Again, best friends + Team Flash pep talks are a major staple of the show.

25. He needs Cisco, too.

26. They...they care about...my god, it's like you people have never heard of FRIENDS.

27. Honestly, how many times have we heard Barry tell Cisco he believes in him, or heard Cisco gush about what a great hero Barry is?

28. Helping each other conquer their fears. Yep, that's another one that applies to like, everyone on this show.

29. "They both have experienced loss" IT'S A SUPERHERO SHOW! Also, that's just life. Name one main character on this show who hasn't experienced loss. Nash and Wally have both experienced loss, and I have yet to see anyone ship them.

30. "They both can sing really well." Okay now. This one is true for Barry and Cisco, but uh...Caitlin is literally tone deaf. I'm not being mean, Danielle Panabaker knows good and well that she can't sing, and she has talked about Carlos side-eyeing her when she gets going because she's not good at it. THAT'S OKAY! There's nothing wrong with not being able to sing, but--WHY would you claim that she's good at something that she clearly is not? She wasn't on pitch for a single line of Summer Nights, and she straight up changes keys mid-line in the mockingbird song in that other clip, and just...what even is this entry?!

31. Watching over each other, yeah, another basic staple of being friends and superheroes.

32. "He is always standing behind Caitlin" AND LOOK WHO'S STANDING BESIDE HIM!

33. Remember that time fake Jay "died" and Cisco stayed with Caitlin until she fell asleep? Remember when Dante died and Caitlin slept on Cisco's couch to keep him company? Remember all those times Barry or Cisco were rendered unconscious, and the other stayed by their bedside until they woke up?

34. Basically just a continuation of 33. See above.

35. "Maybe 'okay' will be our 'always'." Hmm, what WOULD Barry and Cisco's "always/okay" be? Probably just calling out each other's names tbh, they do that a lot. Or perhaps, "For real?"

36. Is2g. Being only one call or text away is, again, a staple of the show, considering everyone in it is a close-knit found family and knows there's a very good chance that that call or text might be saying, "I'm in mortal danger, please come save my life at once."

37. Funny, I already pointed out once before (in a different post) the fun parallel of how Caitlin will sometimes go running to whoever her love interest is at the moment, or she'll call out his name, while Cisco is at the same moment running to Barry/calling out for Barry.

Side note: did they really think including Barry's proposal song to Iris would give more weight to their why-to-ship-Snowbarry argument?

38. I mean...Barry kind of carries everyone everywhere. You don't really get to see it, but how the heck else do you explain all the times he whooshes people in and out of places? He can't just drag them, otherwise the soles of their shoes would either wear down fast or catch on fire.

39. Okay, no shade to Barry and Caitlin's friendship, and some of these moments are really great, but generally speaking, their hugs do not compare to the ones that either of them has with Cisco. Also, note the group hug scene, conveniently cut off before Cisco joins in, because unlike the Romione + Harry hug in the Prisoner of Azkaban movie, there's no way to interpret it as a third wheel/cockblocking moment, because the moment Cisco declares it a group hug moment, Barry and Caitlin both agree, and you can see it on their faces that they are delighted, and think that Cisco joining in their hug has just made it even BETTER.

40. Henry gladly accepts a hug from Caitlin, immediately after laughing at Cisco's awkward moment and giving him a fatherly reassuring pat on the shoulder. I think it's safe to say he approves of all of Team Flash.

41. Oh look, another thing Barry and Cisco and multiple other characters do.

Good god, I'm not even halfway through this yet. This is like that time I tried to climb Diamond Head.

42. Ah, superhero poses, yes. That thing that...superheroes...do. Like, all of the ones on this show. And in general.

43.  "They begin to resemble each other." They're just white, fam. OH MY GOD, I SOMETIMES TAKE MY SUNGLASSES OFF WITH ONE HAND, TOO! OT3 MUCH????? 😱 Lol what even??

44. How many times throughout this video am I gonna have to repeat that everyone on this show has these moments? Also, speaking in unison with someone because you had prior knowledge of what they were going to say due to yourself or someone else time traveling, is not the same as being in sync with them because you’re close. (He said “Weather Wizard” at the same time as Cisco, too.)

45. Idk what to even say to this one. Like, Iris is obviously the love of Barry's life, and Cisco is obviously his favorite best friend and the person he would be with if he didn’t have Iris.

46. *John Mulaney voice* AND THEN THEY DIDN'T! Seriously, though, both of the people they were trying to get over were perfect for them. I don't have a Barrisco specific rebuttal for this one though.

47. So by this video's logic, that one scene from 4x03 means that Barry, Harry, and Cisco should be a threesome, huh?

48. "I did it because it gave me an excuse to bring him back."

49. .................is this even an argument?

50. They're both good looking people, darling.

51. Wrong, sir. They fight like siblings. Trust me on this one, I have six of them.

52. Trauma response. I'm moving away from Barrisco arguments and just saying the first thing that pops into my head now. But seriously, this is a normal reaction to trauma/loss.

53. *Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* I'm not even gonna say it this time, you already know.

54. Again, have you people ever had anyone in your life that you cared about, ever? I'm starting to get concerned, honestly. But for the sake of bringing Barrisco back into this, hey, remember that time Barry and Caitlin both got kidnapped on the same night and Cisco was completely beside himself?

55. This is getting out of hand.

56. Pretty sure dating Caitlin didn't even make the list for Barry's reasons to dislike Jay and Julian (also, he liked Ronnie, the guy she loved the most, so...)

57. Judging Barry for being a dumbass + helping an exposed girl out =/= jealousy. Granted, there was some jealousy in that last clip, but not because Iris got the man; it was because Barry was all set to live happily ever after while Caitlin was, y'know, struggling with powers she didn't want and another person living in her head that kept fighting her for control of her body.

58. Refer to season 1 episode 2, wherein Cisco is the person helping Barry from the beginning, and Caitlin asserts that she is on Joe's side when he tells Barry what a stupid and reckless idea trying to be a superhero is.

59 + 60. "Let's bring our boy home." / "Let's go get our girl." Do I need to cite either quote?

61. Again I ask, did a human make this list?

62. Don't make me tap the sign.

63. One word: Elseworlds.

64. If you'll scroll waaaaaaaaaaay up there, I already covered that Barry and Cisco hold hands A LOT.

65. Oooh, I made a meme about this one! Not after watching this video, I just see SBers say this all the time, and it drives me crazy.

I used this in my Snowbarry fandom drama presentation for my squad’s presentation party a while back.

Side note: ~INTERESTING~ how Caitlin being a doctor is ““romantic”” when she’s treating Barry but ““motherly”” when she’s treating Cisco. I can’t even.

66. ......I’m sorry, I’m just not seeing how the dramatic irony of them stating that Killer Frost will never be a problem on Earth-1 is pertinent to shipping them as a couple.

67. Hannibal Bates and Caitlin are perfect for each other? Weird take, but okay. Oh, and there Caitlin is trying to freeze Barry to death. Wasn’t there a point somewhere up there about her never wanting him to get hurt?

Side note: Hey, what’s the name of that guy who saved Barry in this scene?

68. Bruh, that’s just her dynamic with everyone that season.

69. Barry and Iris, Barry and Cisco, Cisco and Caitlin, Cisco and Harry, Caitlin and Killer Frost, Cisco and Killer Frost--just naming some duos that are more iconic than Barry and Caitlin. Again, no shade to their friendship--I really like them as friends!--but the shippers stay making it out to be more than it really is.

I also just have to point out that although Killer Frost was the one who willingly teamed up with Savitar/whom Savitar sought out first, when she comments on their team up and says it’s “Barry and Caitlin together again”, his response is to point out that she’s not Caitlin and he’s not Barry. In contrast, when he takes Cisco against his will and forces him to modify the speed force bazooka, he still refers to Cisco as his best friend.

70. Make up your mind, does Savitar count as Barry in this or not? Because he totally grabbed Caitlin by the throat once.

71. I don’t know how to break this to you, but not enjoying it when someone is in pain is just being normal. (Do I even need to point out Cisco’s empathetic cringing compared to Barry’s looks of mild discomfort, or...?)

At some point this went from being about Barrisco to being about Cisco being the favorite friend to both of them, idk.

72. He. Is. Literally. A. Superhero.

73. Man, what did I JUST say? Also, can we just acknowledge the build up to Crisis on Infinite Earths for a second, wherein Frost very quickly accepts that Barry is supposed to die in order to save everyone else, while Cisco has infinite crises of his own at the idea of having to accept Barry’s death--which, I might add, he never actually does? Neither does Iris, for that matter. They tried to accept it, and they thought they did, but they didn’t really.

74. Oh fuck it, just read 73 again.

75. Okay, what even is this one? Two scenes where they are not present for each other’s “deaths” and thus don’t react to them, meanwhile Cisco is devastated in both of them?

76. Same thing I’ve already said several times before.

77. How many times do I gotta point out that this is a superhero show?

78. Just really trying hard to find enough reasons to make this list 101, huh? (What is Firestorm, chopped liver?)

79. Because violence = chemistry apparently. Wasn’t there another entry about how they can never hurt each other or something?

80. I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the vibrating hand that shredded Cisco’s heart before either of those scenes happened.

81. It’s like SBers think they’re the only two characters on the entire show.

82. I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over all the other vibrating hands triggering Cisco at least once per season. But sure, Barry and Caitlin are the only two who know suffering.

83. Two words: Flashpoint. Dante. Also, not seeing how this one is romantic.

84. That’s just a Caitlin/Frost thing, fam, it only happened to Barry because he got whammied by Prism, who caused the same effect in everyone else he whammied. (Cisco’s eyes turned purple once when he got hypnotized.)

85. Please. I beg of you. Get friends. Interact with a human person.

Side note: “I trust you” was almost what I put for Barrisco’s “always/okay”.

86. “Don’t call me that. I don’t know you, string bean.” / “I don’t know who you think you are, but around here, people call me Mr. Ramon.” / “The name is Vibe.” (Again, romance where?)

87. Kinda like how Mirror Iris and Mirror Kamilla have slightly dressier tastes than Real Iris and Real Kamilla.

88. ....Anyways, Vibe........

89. The first time because Cisco saved him, the second time because she froze him just enough to fool Grodd, not enough to actually kill him. (Again I say, what is Firestorm?)

90. So romance. Very love. Much relationship.

91. ANYWAYS, CISCO. (And uh, hello, IRIS???? Joe? Harry?)

92. See 88.

93. This one might be a fun ship parallel if Caitlin had actually been involved in Barry’s brain zapping, but instead it’s just like, “here’s two random scenes that are kinda similar in completely insignificant ways”, like the evil clothes thing a few entries back.

94. Another entry that just demonstrates that their one-on-one moments together, while good, just don’t compare to either of their one-on-one moments with Cisco. I can’t be the only person who sees this.

95 + 96 + 97. I can’t muster up enough interest in any of these shows to watch them all the way through. Is this supposed to impress me?

98 + 99 + 100. The only point this proves is that they have multiple ship names. (I thought their evil ship name was Savifrost?)

101. Mm, sorry, sweetheart, Westallen, Barrisco, and Snowstorm all have them beat in this category.

This post really got away from me, at this point idk what I’m even doing, but I went on too long to stop now.

Oh, shit, there’s a bonus round.

Honestly, I fail to see how a lot of these supposedly “match”? But as for the ones that do, that’s just your basic TV aesthetics, I forget the official name for it. They’re matchy-matchy with Cisco in some of those shots, too, because TV matchy color psychology whatever. It’s a whole thing, every TV show and movie does it.

If anyone actually followed along this far, congratulations on your attention span, my brain could never. Idk how to end this post because it strayed so far from my original intent and basically just turned into a Snowbarry Fandom Doesn’t Make Sense Presentation 2.0

You know, I like to try not to generalize and stuff, and I’d like to think that maybe not all SBers are racist and that some people genuinely just like the ship because they think that makes sense or something, but then I look at their reasons for shipping it, and it’s just the dang blandest thing I ever did see, and they have to reach so far when they try to explain why they think they’re the best “couple” on the show and just??? I am the queen of shipping friends who never get together romantically, but Barry and Caitlin just don’t got it, son. Tbh part of the show’s appeal to me is the fact that there’s no threat of Caitlin ever getting with either of her male bffs in that way, because Cisco is like her brother, and getting with Barry just wouldn’t make sense. It just befuddles me to no end that they are such a wildly popular ship and not a rare pair, because the way their relationship is in canon is just exactly the way it should be.

That’s it, I guess. I’ve already invested this much time in this, so I might as well post it.

Also, please don’t anybody try to start anything in the comments section of this video, this fandom has enough drama as it is.

[iggyalfi2319]

Hoodie and rag doll

Warning: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, mention of self-harm, mention of dead characters, mention of dysphoria and misuse of pronouns. Small deaging.

If I forget to mention anything else that makes you uncomfortable, please tell me.

=

Janus waited for the others to leave.

Again, they hadn't been invited for the video.

At this point they were getting used to it, so that wasn't the main reason of why they were holding back their tears and trying very hard to quiet their sobs.

Hearing the others trash talking about them didn't trigger it either but it made it worse.

How the Hell Remus took all the insults and simply brush them off when he first time showed up?

"Take it easy guys, girls and non-binary pals. PEACE OUT!"

Thomas's catchphrase pulled Janus out of their thoughts.

"Another video who went wonderfully well!" Roman said proudly. "And no one to bother us!"

At that Virgil snorted in satisfaction while Patton nodded happily.

Logan remained stoic as usual, but Janus picked up the slight frown on his face.

The snake Side quickly ducked in the corner when the bespectacled man looked in their direction.

*oh no... He saw me....he saw me... He-*

"Now this is over, I suggest we go ingest necessary nutrients." Logan said, adjusting his glasses.

"Let's make a famILY lunch together!" Patton said happily.

Everyone went to the kitchen.

Janus sighed in relief.

When Logan came out.

Again the deceitful Side stiffened.

The Logic Side placed a plate with a couple of apples on the coffee table before leaving again.

Janus blinked.

Apple was their favorite treat, but why Logan would -

The kitchen's door locked with an audible click.

"..."

Janus came out of their hiding spot and went to the plate of apples.

Pink ladies, Golden, Granny Smith...

They smiled softly and picked up the plate, before going to the sunny spot offered by the big window.

They quietly sat down on the floor, enjoying the sunlight, thinking about what happened earlier.

Despite Remus's pleas to stop, Janus went into Virgil's old room. Again.

They put on his old hoodie, feeling the weight of nostalgia and regret crushing them even more everytime they did.

They lingered in the room, the heavy afterglow of Anxiety still affecting them.

"Please, Janus. Stop punishing yourself like that. It won't make him come back and you know that more than anyone else." Remus sighed. "He made his choice. This isn't your fault in any way."

Janus hissed at him, curling up inside the hoodie.

Whoever Virgil liked it or not, he and Janus were sharing similarities.

That included the hissing, stubbornness and short temper, despite Janus denying it.

"Leave me alone..." The snake Side muttered, not bothering to lie.

"You're only hurting yourself... I'm really worried about you..." Remus said with genuine concern.

"I miss the old times..." Janus hugged themself

"So do I." The Duke rubbed their back. "But you need to move on..."

Janus curled more, the hoodie practically swallowing them.

After a few minutes,

"I need some sun..." They mumbled.

"indeed you do." Remus stood up. "But you know how it will end up if the others catch you, especially Virgil..."

Janus sulked.

Remus sighed.

"I... I have something for you..."

Heterochromatic eyes looked at him.

Before widening at the sight of said "thing".

"you..." Janus' breath itched. "You had it all this time..."

"well, it was very hard to find substitute for the missing pieces..." Remus looked away for a second before handing it with a sad smile. "I fixed it the best I could."

The snake Side snatched it and hugged it tightly, their body shaken by their loud sobs.

"I miss him! I miss them! I miss everyone!"

"I know you do, Jay-Jay." Remus hugged them. "I know..."

He let them cry for a while.

Before gently pulling away.

"geez, thanks to you I'm all snotty covered. Mind doing the same on my back?"

Janus hissed at him, really embarrassed.

Remus wiped their face with his sleeve.

"Careful, you don't wanna stain his hoodie, do you?"

"thanks..." Janus hiccuped softly.

"Don't mention it." Remus grinned.

He looked at the clock.

"now now, it's almost lunch. Maybe you'll have a few minutes of sunlight if you're careful."

Janus nodded before hastily leaving.

*a lot happened since you left, Emo...* Remus thought sadly. *And some things remain unchanged...*

Janus finished the last apple from the plate, before yawning.

When was the last time they did that?

That silly habit of always eating an apple before napping.

The others used to tease them about it.

N-apple-ing Remus dubbed it.

The sunlight was nice.

And the hoodie so warm.

A small nap wouldn't hurt... Right?

Janus lied on the floor and curled up, making themself smaller than they already were.

Soon lunch time was over.

"thanks for the meal, Padre!" Roman exclaimed. "Now, who's up for a Disney marathon?"

With the lack of negative answers, he headed to the living room, followed by the others.

Then, Virgil stopped short.

Roman looked in the same direction.

"isn't that your old hoodie?" Patton said, after looking too.

"I was sure I got rid of it..." Virgil growled.

Roman slowly approached it, about to unsheathe his sword.

Before he could make his next move, octopus tentacles suddenly wrapped around him and his mouth, as well as around Virgil and Patton.

Logan remained unphased, as if he knew it would happen.

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you disturb Jay Jay." Remus said, lifting up the struggling Sides as he snatched his brother's sword.

Logan approached the "hoodie".

"May I?" He asked the Duke.

"as long as you don't wake them up." Remus said. "Thanks for the apples by the way. Looks like Janus appreciated them."

Patton shot a look of betrayal at Logan while Roman and Virgil glared at him.

Said logic Side ignored them and picked up the plate.

He pulled out a tissue and gently wiped Janus' mouth.

"They'll never change." Remus said nostalgically yet with his usual IDGAF tone.

"how did you called that again?" Logan asked.

"Apple napping. N-apple-ing." The green Side grinned.

The other three stopped struggling at that. Especially Virgil.

Wearing his hoodie? Eating apples before a nap?

Wait...

If Janus is sound asleep right now, that would mean...

"Yes, they still have "it"." Remus said, uncharacteristically sad.

He slowly put them down.

"you wake them, I'll kill you." He warned.

He let them go before going to Logan.

"I don't see anything new." The logic Side said, checking Janus' arms and extra arms, who were hugging themself.

Roman, Virgil and Patton were confused.

"well, for one, they wear their gloves all the time after I threatened to tape them permanently, and for two, they will do nothing while wearing the Emo's hoodie." Remus said.

"why is that?" Logan asked. "I thought it was hurting them more than anything else?"

"mentally and emotionally, it's wearing them out." Remus sighed. "But that's the only way to keep them from clawing themselves. Because they didn't want to stain it with blood and washing it would meant washing Virge's smell away."

Virgil had a double take.

Not only he just learned that Janus self harmed, but they were also holding onto his... Smell?

He looked at the sleeping Side.

They looked so sad and yet so peaceful.

He shook his head, blocking the flow of memories.

"What is that thing?" Roman asked, pointing at the said thing that Janus had been hugging tightly.

"isn't he so cute all sleepy like that?" Patton cooed.

"Shhhh!" Remus shushed. "And it's they/them!"

"Thomas use he/him as well as everyone one else here, so I don't see why it would be different for him." Virgil huffed, pointing at Janus.

Remus gritted his teeth, seething.

The reason behind Janus' self harm wasn't only blaming themself for making Virgil leave.

They actually hated themself.

Their appearance, their gender, who they were.

They didn't know who they are supposed to be.

They wanted to help Thomas but being labelled as the bad guy made them feel really conflicted.

Remus immediately supported them when they said they were looking for the person they would like to be and use they/them in the meantime.

Logan pretty much respected their choice.

He had quickly learned to tolerate Janus as a fellow Side.

That Light and Dark labelling was irrelevant as they were all part of Thomas. And so, Logan should care about their well-being as much as the others.

Sadly, when it came to the others, it was easier said than done. Roman's sorting out everything in "Good" or "Evil". Patton wasn't really different. And Virgil being extremely vigilant of not too much.

The arguing went on.

When everyone covered their mouths.

Janus slowly sat up, rubbing their eyes with a sleeve too big for them.

Patton wanted to gush at how adorable they looked, Roman and Virgil trying to resist, the later wondering if his old hoodie was that oversized or if Janus...had shrank down...

"Wemus, I'm sweepy..." They whined softly, hugging the "thing".

"is that...a rag doll?" Patton asked, once the silent spell was gone.

"not any rag doll..." Virgil muttered. "It's Chimera..."

"Chimera ?" Roman and Patton asked.

Janus hugged it more tightly, as they kept looking smaller...and younger.

"I do believe that doll is a collection of pieces of fabric from every Sides?" Logan theorized.

"Ding ding!" Remus said. "Even though some pieces aren't the original anymore. I had to find substitute to fix the missing pieces."

Virgil froze at that.

Missing pieces? Janus was too careful to damage Chimera, and there was no way Remus would rough play with it. Meaning...

"a lot happened since you left."

They were all shocked to see Janus, looking like around 10-12 yo. Minus Remus.

"Jay Jay, you did it again. I think you should stop wearing the hoodie..."

"no!" Janus pouted.

"what happened to the others?..." Virge dared to ask.

The snake Side held up the doll.

With a swift move, it had vanished to thin air.

"Just like that. The ones after the others." Janus said monotonously.

they slowly stood up.

"I suppose you want your hoodie back?" They asked, while shifting back to normal.

Virgil didn't answer.

"hum... Janus ?" Patton asked slowly. "What's up with the ... age thing?"

They really didn't want to tell him but it was better to rip off the band-aid anyway.

"happens when I reminisce about the good times." Janus hissed. "I guess I really haven't moved on..."

They sank down.

"So much for a sun nap." Remus shook his head.

"keep me informed of their situation." Logan ordered.

"Will do, nerdy wolverine." Remus rolled his eyes and sank down.

"what the hell was all of this..." Roman groaned

"oh, I forgot!" Remus popped back, making the others jump out of their skins (a little jolt from Logan)

"what is it this time?" Roman sighed sharply.

"you'll thank me later ~" Remus threw a picture at Patton like a shuriken.

Said fatherly Side yelped and struggled to catch it.

Remus was gone before Roman could even deal with him.

They looked at the picture.

It's was child Janus sleeping peacefully, curled up inside the hoodie while hugging the rag doll.

Patton couldn't stop squealing and awwwing

Roman was raging because he couldn't find a nickname for someone supposed evil, looking this adorable.

Virgil...

Virgil was absolutely distraught.

He thought leaving the "Dark Sides" would be for the best.

He had just swept the eggshells under his bed.

He hated that feeling.

Just because of his old hoodie and that stupid rag doll.

-

♥️ 🔄 💬

[rustic-space-fiddle]

Things about Five that terrify me + some other things I noticed

He snapped a mop handle and shanked a baddie with it

he casually pulled his tie from around the baddie he strangled and put it back around his own neck like he was getting ready for work or something

He used a bargain mart trowel as a lethal weapon

He just pulls guns out of knowwhere?? Like his dads rifle????? When even??? That handgun he threatened the handler with??? Where did he get that???? Who is your dealer, Five??????

He sewed up his own gunshot graze with only minimal wincing (and then put a cute little bandaid over it, bless him)

He literally pulled out a knife, cut himself open, rummaged around under his skin like he was looking for the tv remote in the couch cushions, and pulled out the tracker chip like it was nothing

He heard one of the baddies groaning so he wandered over, crouched down, and snapped the guys neck??? With his little child hands??? I know he’s almost 60 in his head but just the image of this kid snapping a guys neck as if that was just something he does on a daily basis????? Holy heck that’s terrifying

His gremlin smile. Was his dad the Joker or something??? Good gravy

He pulled an eyeball out of a dead man’s hand, not knowing it was a fake eye at first and not even being a hardened assassin yet

He called killing the rando who apparently causes the end of the world “basic math”. Like I totally get what he means, but once again: FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD IT WIGS ME OUT

he was ready and willing to kill for a mannequin (love of his life)

His unclear understanding of what/who Dolores is. I can’t tell if he understands that she’s not sentient and can’t feel or love (my brain is telling me “YES SHE CAN HAVE YOU NOT SEEN TOY STORY” as I write this so heck maybe that’s his logic), but it’s kinda scary how fast he attached himself to her (we see him with her barely a few days after getting stuck)

His “I’m an old man who’s seen and done everything” complex

(From here on will just be things I noticed)

He was a really bouncy kid—bounced out of the bank, bounced at the dinner table, bounced up the stairs. He was a bouncy boy

He legit looked terrified to get his tattoo??? Like I know they all were, but usually he seemed like the “idgaf” type. What gives?

He is constantly putting his hands behind his back or in his pockets like some smarmy lil punk, both when he was a kid and after becoming a jaded killer. He also likes to sit with his ankle on his knee (note tattoo scene, he’s the only one not sitting normally, and also the scene in Vanya’s appartment). A few traits that survived all odds, I guess.

He only willingly let Vanya take care of him. He didn’t ask her too, but she made it clear she intended to do it he didn’t fight or say “I’ll do it myself”. He just rolled up his sleeve and let her help. The only other time someone else helps him like this is literally when he’s barely conscious and cANT bite off their hands

*SHANKS TABLE TO GET ATTENTION FROM NEGLECTFUL AND ABBUSIVE FATHER*

Also, the way Reginald eyed Five at the dinner table when he noticed him looking at him. How many times had Five used the minimal “quality” time to rag on him about science stuff????

We really see that he hates what he’s become when he says “I don’t belong anywhere, thanks to you. You made me a killer.” Up to that point, he doesn’t really go into it. He tells Luther that he didn’t enjoy the killing, but he never seems to actively show loathing for what happened to him. He’s too focused on saved his family and the world. But when he says that to the Handler, you can see that he’s really angry, and I kinda think that going back to his family and finding that he doesn’t really fit anymore and knowing that he can never go back really drove it home. Big oof, basically.

When his life is threatened, he doesn’t seem to panic too much, but when his family/loved one are, he actually looks scared (referring to jaded Five rn). Trying to stack his family? ANGER/FEAR. Trying to stack Dolores? SO MUCH FEAR NO NO NO (legit almost shot Luther—I wish he had sometimes tho)

Dolores telling Five that she doesn’t like it when he drinks is just essentially just Five telling himself that he doesn’t like it when he drinks. Does he examine his own flaws through Dolores berating him?????? Good golly he needs therapy

He never once give up hope that they can save the family. Like, the mOON WAS CRASHING INTO THE PLANET and he just “OKAY BUT LIKE ITS NOT THAT BAD WE CAN FIX THIS”

When he chucked the water bottle at Klaus for dancing with Dolores “GET OUT” (this killed me oml)

The fact that “Dad” was the third name out of his mouth in the apocalypse. I don’t know what to make of it. It just makes me wonder.

His little red wagon

Bundling up Dolores for winter even as a grown man (GET HIM THERAPY OH MY GOODNESS)

he was out for 45 years, but he said he was with Dolores for 30. He found her almost immediately after getting stuck, so..... did the Commission take her away????? Did he leave her like “it’s not safe I don’t want you to lose your other arm”???? Like wtf happened???? Is the reason he screws up the equations because he didn’t have Dolores to fact check him for 15 years????

(Last one I swear) Mom patching him up in ep 7 is the first time she’d gotten to take care of her boy Five in 17 years AND it was the first time Five had been taken care of by his Mom in 45 years. :’)

EDIT: ALSO TO WHOM DOES HE OWE A DEBT EXACTLY??? WHOMST???

[boldly-ho]

Another Life - Chapter 7

Fandom: What We Do in the Shadows

Pairing: Vladislav x Reader

Series Rating: M

Word Count: 2877

Chapter Summary: Viago decides you should all get along, so you go for a night out on the town with the guys to humor him.

A/N: Drunken author. Let me know if there are any glaring issues. American author. Never been to NZ. Let me know if there are any glaring issues. As always, cross posted to ao3. Posting early bc I’m still drunk and idgaf.

“Hey,” you greeted the three men who were already seated around the kitchen table. “Is Petyr coming?”

Viago hesitated. “This doesn’t really pertain to Petyr.”

You’d figured as much. When Viago asked to come down for a flat meeting, your second since moving in, you’d guessed it was about Deacon and his reluctance to do his chores. You were surprised, then, when your flatmates all turned to you and Viago spoke.

“So, Y/N, we don’t want you to feel as though we’re ganging up on you…”

Wait, what?

“Okay…”

Viago continued. “It’s just that you- and not all the time, of course, just sometimes-“

“Stop slamming the front door,” Vladislav interrupted.

Given that Viago, in his attempts to calm you, had very much worried you, you were grateful for Vladislav’s blunt approach.

“Your bedroom door, too,” Deacon added.

Viago offered you a sheepish smile, his fangs just poking out of his mouth. “Ja.”

You felt a bit embarrassed by your transgression. “Have I been waking you guys up?”

“Yes.”

“Sorry. I’ll try to be more conscious of how much force I’m using.”

Viago offered you a real smile this time. “Great! I’m glad we were able to come to an understanding.” With that, he drew a neat line through the impeccably written ‘flat meeting’ on his to do list and flipped his notebook shut.

“Right,” you said. “Uh, did this have to be a whole flat meeting though?”

Viago stared at you blankly.

“I mean, couldn’t one of you guys just have pulled me aside and asked me to close the door more quietly? Instead of having a whole production?” Despite Viago’s initial spiel, you did feel a bit ganged up on.

“I tried that!” Deacon interjected, clearly offended.

“You did?” You didn’t remember that.

“Last week. I told you that you had woken me up and to be more careful shutting the door!”

Oh, crap.

He had. To be fair, though, you had thought he was just being a jerk because he didn’t like you, and so you’d dismissed his concerns out of hand. You felt your face heat in embarrassment.

“Oh, right. Well, I, uh, didn’t realize you were serious,” you mumbled.

“What?” Vladislav asked. You could tell from his tone that he was asking because he hadn’t heard you, not because he was shocked or appalled at your words.

Still, it wasn’t helping how suddenly sheepish you felt. Attempting to speak more clearly you said, “I didn’t think it was actually an issue. I just thought you were just being particular because you don’t like me.”

Now it was Deacon’s turn to look sheepish.

“It’s fine!” You hastily tried to reassure them all. “It’s no big deal, really. I’ll be quieter during the day. And, Deacon, it’s fine. You’re always civil.” Almost always, anyway. “And it’s not like we all need to be best friends, right? Really, it’s fine.”

Looking around the table, you were met with blank stares.

Okay, then. You excused yourself and made your way upstairs to your bedroom, taking care to close the door softly behind you. You wished you could forget the last few minutes.

Only moments later, you heard a knock at the door.

“Y/N?” It was Viago.

You sighed internally before opening the door.

“Sorry about that downstairs. I hope it didn’t feel like an ambush.”

“No, of course not,” you lied.

“Good,” he responded before getting to his main point. “Why don’t you come out with us tonight?”

“Like out clubbing?”

He nodded. “Ja. With you and Deacon not really getting on, I figured we could all get to know each other better over a night out.”

Ah. So Viago was the kind of person who needed to be best friends with his flatmates. You didn’t really feel like going out tonight. You’d been up all day, whereas your flatmates have been awake for just a couple of hours. You also weren’t super excited to spend a whole evening with these guys. On the other hand, it had been a while since you went out, and it would be nice to get out of the house for something other than work or grocery shopping. Still, though, didn’t these guys actually, literally kill people when they went out? Maybe? But if you went out with them, it’s not as though they’d bring home a victim. Not someone that you had seen and interacted with. So by that logic, shouldn’t you go out?

Viago was looking at you expectantly.

“Um, okay, sure, why not?”

He grinned excitedly.

“When do we leave?” you asked.

“As soon as you’re ready.”

“Give me 15?”

Viago nodded and left, and you got ready in a heavily expedited version of your routine. You applied a coat of mascara and a layer of powder before brushing through your hair. Quite a bit more casual and simple than your usual going out look, but you hoped your go-to dress would make up for it. It was a classic black LBD, the perfect combination of slutty and classy, fitting your form in the most flattering way. Checking yourself in the mirror revealed someone who looked pretty well put together, all things considered. You pulled on the matching shoes and felt again to be sure the cross necklace was still in place before speeding downstairs.

The guys fell silent at your arrival. It was clear from Deacon’s glare and from the residual energy in the room that they had been talking about you. Viago probably hadn’t gotten the others’ permission to invite you along. Having already made up your mind to go, you traipsed out the front door and began towards the bus stop, trusting them to follow you.

The bus ride into town was silent and awkward. Your flatmates all boarded ahead of you, and the bus was crowded. Your choice of seat was narrowed down to either squeezing yourself between Viago and the wall, or sitting in a row of three with Deacon and Vladislav. Given your relationship with Deacon, one erotic dance invitation notwithstanding, and what had happened the last time you had any real interaction with Vladislav, you chose to make yourself fit in the narrow space beside Viago. As the bus began to move, you realized that choosing the clearly uncomfortable space sent an explicit message to the other two that you did not want to sit with them.

Upon exiting the bus, the four of you formed a small huddle to discuss the evening’s game plan.

“Let’s go to Boogie Wonderland,” you offered. They shot you down. “Red Square?” They again refused. “Where do you guys usually go, then?”

“We could start out at the Big Kumara,” Deacon suggested. “I’m supposed to meet Jackie, anyway.”

The other two agreed easily, so you nodded as well. You didn’t know who Jackie was, and you’d never been to the Big Kumara, but as you approached it, you realized you’d seen it before, though never given it much attention. It was more of a townie bar than a club. That might be best, though, given that you didn’t do much for hair or makeup.

You guessed that the guys must be regulars given the odd and friendly greeting by the bouncer, and how a casual “She’s with us,” from Vladislav was enough to get you the same greeting.

The bar was quiet compared to the street outside. Other than the four of you, the only people there were the two seated at a booth and the bartender. It was simultaneously too dim to see well and too bright compared to the nightclubs you were expecting. It smelled more like the wood paneling on the walls than the greasy pub food you expected they served. Oh well, this night wasn’t really about were you went. It was about spending time with your flatmates. Or at the very least, placating Viago.

“I’ll get the first round. What do you guys want?”

“No thank you.”

“I’m not really in the mood right now.”

“I’m alright.”

You laughed.

They moved to take a larger booth.

“Oh, seriously?” you asked. Who turned down free booze?

“Ja,” Viago answered. “You go ahead, though, and meet us over there,” he said, pointing.

Whatever. It saved you some money. Still, why go to a bar and not get anything to drink?

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked.

You ordered your drink, plus a plate of chips for the table. When he returned with your drink, you gave him your card and asked for a glass of water as well. With the other guys not drinking, you figured you should do your best not to get wildly drunk.

Your beverages and fries in hand, you returned to the booth to find not just your flatmates, but an unfamiliar woman, as well.

“Hi,” you greeted her. “I’m Y/N. Help yourself to some chips.”

“Hi. Jackie,” she introduced herself. “I’m an old friend of Deacon’s.” She reached across the table to shake your hand before taking a few chips.

“Nice to meet you. Can I get you a drink?” You took a sip of yours.

“No,” Deacon answered for her. “Jackie isn’t staying. We just have some things to discuss.”

His tone brokered no discussion on your part. You wondered exactly how they knew each other. The two excused themselves from the table, leaving you, Viago, and Vladislav alone.

“‘Do you guys come here a lot?”

“We know the owner,” Vladislav answered, “so we can get in even on busy nights.”

You wondered if he meant nights that the Big Kumara was busy, or nights when Te Aro in general was busy. Because it was busy out on the street, and you imagined in other bars, right now.

“That’s cool.”

You downed your drink quickly in the awkward silence that followed, and didn’t bother to excuse yourself before going up to the bar for a second.

“Same?” the bartender asked.

You nodded. “Do you know those guys?” You gestured back to your booth.

“They’re in here a lot, yeah.”

“Are they a bit… odd?”

“No odder than anyone else who frequents here.” The bartender gave you a knowing smile that you did not return.

You sighed, taking your drink and returning to the booth, where Vladislav sat alone. You really weren’t in the mood to be alone with Vladislav yet, but you didn’t have much of a choice.

“Where’s Viago?” You took a big swig of your drink.

He pointed to the back exit, where Viago stood with Deacon and Jackie. “He’s trying to convince Deacon to get on board with Red Square.”

“Red Square?” You perked up, figuratively and literally, sitting a bit straighter in the booth. You suddenly felt lighter. If you had t sped an evening with the guys, it would be better to spend it in a place less conducive to conversation and one more conducive to partying.

He laughed gently. It was warm and fuzzy.

God, you were a lightweight.

“I like your laugh.”

His smile pulled gently at the corner of his mustache, and you found yourself staring at the gap between his front teeth. “I think you’re a bit of a lightweight.”

“Am not,” you lied.

He didn’t fight you on it. “The Big Kumara isn’t really your vibe, clearly, so we’re going to go to a club.”

You downed the rest of your drink quickly, and chased it with your water. Vladislav exited the booth and stood beside you, offering you a hand up.

“Can you walk?”

“I’m barely buzzed!” you protested before taking his hand. Looking up to his face, you realized he was joking. Teasing you. “Oh, ha ha, very funny.”

When you reached the exit, Jackie had left and Viago and Deacon were waiting for you. “Red Square?” Viago asked.

You nodded too eagerly. Perhaps you were a little bit tipsy.

Red Square was a few blocks away, but you were in fact a lightweight, and your buzz was turning you into quite the chatterbox.

“Jackie seems nice.”

Deacon nodded. “She’s okay.”

“I like her hair.”

You caught Vladislav’s smirk from behind his hair. “You think I’m funny,” you accused him.

“Sometimes.”

“Red Square!” You picked up speed as you saw the club.

“Five dollar cover,” the bouncer said.

“I got it.” You offered partly out of an effort to be friendly, and partly out of laziness, as the only cash you had on you was a twenty dollar bill.

You forged ahead into the loud, dark atmosphere as your flatmates all paused at the door. “What are you guys waiting for? Come in!”

As if suddenly convinced, the three entered the club.

“This place is amazing!” Viago yelled over the music.

“You’ve never been here?”

He shook his head.

“You’ll love it!”

Viago, Deacon, and Vladislav spoke among themselves before heading towards the dance floor. You made your way to the bar, grabbing a barstool that was luckily open, and ordering a drink. You scanned the room for your friends. It was hard to see through the crowd, though, and you couldn’t quite find them.

“Hey, gorgeous.” You turned to see someone new in the seat beside you. He was very attractive. Dark curls and stunning brown eyes, with a blindingly white smile. “Can I buy you a drink?”

As if on cue, the bartender returned with your order. “Sorry,” you told him.

He didn’t seem very bothered. “What brings a girl like you here all by herself?”

This guys was 0 for 10 on originality, but you smiled in spite of yourself. Whether due to him or the nice buzz you had going on, you weren’t sure.

“I’m actually here with my flatmates.” You gestured vaguely at the dance floor. “Y/N.” You introduced yourself.

“James.” You politely shook his hand, but felt a bit silly doing so. “I’m going to order a pretzel. Want in?”

“Heck yeah.”

After a fair bit of small talk, one pretzel, and the rest of your drink, James leaned close and whispered in your ear. It was nice, intimate. But maybe too intimate? “How about I buy you that drink now?”

“No thanks. I should probably get back to my friends.” You liked James. He was friendly and attractive, and very clearly into you. But he was getting hot and heavy a little too fast, and that really wasn’t what you were here for. In fact, you were beginning to feel a bit guilty for spending the evening away from the guys, since that was the whole point of Viago inviting you along.

“Come on,” he whispered, hand moving up your thigh.

You grabbed his hand and thrust it away. “I should find my friends.”

His hand moved to your upper arm, gripping just too tightly. “Don’t be such a bitch.”

“Hey!” You looked from James over to the bartender, who was too busy at the other end of the bar to notice what was going on.

“Is this guy bothering you?” You felt a wave of relief wash over you at Deacon’s familiar voice above you and his cool hand on your shoulder.

“Who the hell are-“ James paled as he looked up at Deacon, before almost falling off of his stool in his attempt to get away.

You looked over your shoulder, but Deacon seemed normal to you. “What did you-“

“Are you okay?” Deacon asked as he took James’ seat.

“Yeah. Thank you.” You ordered another drink from the passing bartender.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” You rubbed your arm absentmindedly. “I’m glad you were here, though. Where are the other guys?” you asked.

“I’m not sure.”

You scoured the club and briefly spotted Vladislav in a small booth with two women. Two, really? You couldn’t find Viago on the dance floor or in a booth.

“Viago told me what happened with you and Vladislav the other day.”

What?

“What?”

He repeated himself. “Viago told me what happened-“

“Nothing happened!” You were quick to defend yourself.

“I know, I know. I just wanted to explain why Viago said what he said.”

You didn’t love that they had been talking about you.

“It wasn’t about you at all. Once we found out our new flatmate was a woman, before me or Vlad even saw you, we made a blanket statement that no one would hit on you. Just as general precaution to avoid trouble.”

Hit on you or murder you, you guessed.

“There was a bit of a special emphasis placed on Vlad, but that still wasn’t about you. It’s just because he’s a bit of a, uh, ladies’ man, I guess. And knowing Vlad’s history, like Viago and I do, Viago just leapt to the wrong conclusion. It was about Vladislav, not you.”

You nodded, looking back to where Vladislav sat with two women. A ladies’ man. You could see that, you supposed. He wasn’t conventionally attractive, really, but he wasn’t unappealing. And there was something about him. A magnetism of some sort. You could see why women were drawn to him.

You thought about his laugh.

“I just figured Viago and Vladislav wouldn’t say anything about it to you.”

You downed almost your entire drink in one go. “Thanks.”

Deacon nodded.

“You know doing erotic dances for your friends is weird, right?”

[dollsorwhatever]

Disney Bloodbath

Today was a very, very exhausting day lmfao  Long semi-interesting doll story and pictures of the new LE Ariel under the cut!

I stayed up all night waiting for Disney Store to list the new Limited Edition Ariel doll online, which usually happens at midnight PST (3am my time), but she never showed up lmfao. I guess they’ve recently changed the launch time to 7am PST (10am my time) for the newer dolls, but rather than risking the chance of losing her online (and worried about defects) I decided I didn’t need to sleep and instead would go to the mall at seven AM with my mom, wait for them to open the doors, and then sit outside of the Disney Store until they opened at ten. So... three hours of literally standing there doing basically nothing but waiting for Disney to open the door lmfao.  I actually snuck into the mall through the service entrance but was caught by security, and they had me wait outside of the mall until they actually opened the doors, then I could go wait at DS until they opened lol I’d never actually purchased an LE doll directly from a Disney Store location so I was really confused about how to do everything, but the 3 people waiting with me were pretty helpful-basically you go to the front of the closed-up Disney Store and line up, then once the store opens the employee will tell you what they have in stock and then give each person a ticket, reserving their items for them (starting at the front of the line, so first come first serve), and then you just go to the register once the store opens, give them the ticket and they sell you the doll. Apparently it’s sometimes different for Designer Dolls (they’ve done right-to-buy lotteries a few times) but the ticket system is always done with the 17′‘ dolls.  Ofc I didn’t know about the line thing until after two people had already started the line, putting me in third place and...wow, what luck lmfao.  Lady finally comes out after two hours of standing at the entrance to tell us how many they have of each doll. They had two Vanessa dolls, and the two people in front of me just happened to want her as well lol so I was fucked with Vanessa (they only made 2000 of her, half of which were for Europe, meaning the US only got 1000 dolls for the entire country-yikes), but they had eight Ariel dolls and one was reserved for me (I almost had my mom get another one for me too but I didn’t want to be greedy, there were like ten other people behind us by the time the store opened) I was a little sad about Vanessa, but I only decided I wanted her, like, yesterday, so I wasn’t invested in her enough yet to really care so I laughed it off and took my Ariel. Plus I already had a list of other dolls I wanted from the DS so I knew I’d end up with a pretty good haul lol. I’ve decided to just pay the scalper prices for Vanessa for Christmas since I really do want her, but she can wait! After picking and purchasing my Ariel I decided to go with the new Ariel and Her Sisters mini doll set because they’re soooo well designed and detailed, and I have a huge thing for both mini dolls and mermaids. Also I still regret never getting the Wreck it Ralph Princess set when ti wasn’t 300$ and figured this would soften the blow lol And then I looked around at the Animators dolls, since I had Moana and the new Rapunzel and Ariel dolls on my list, but Ariel looked crosseyed in person and all of the Rapunzels had really thin hair, so I passed on them and went with something else that I’d been eyeing for a little bit.  Don’t laugh at me it’s SUCH a silly purchase lol

Baby Rapunzel!! Okay, it’s not really that dumb, because she’s fucking adorable but I really have no use for a literal baby doll and a crib, logically speaking lol. But I’ve wanted a doll of this scene since Tangled had first come out, and this is the best baby Rapunzel ever done. Look at her lively little face! And her thick shiny hair!! The detailed little crib! UGH she’s even cuter than in the movie. HER EARS ARE BLUSHED TOO OMG

Oh also she was 80$ so...yeah SILLY My only disappointment with her is that she’s like a baby doll baby doll, like her body is plush with a vinyl head, arms and legs, when I assumed she was all vinyl. Kind of weird and makes it really hard to style her hair when she’s flopping around, but she’s fucking adorable sooooo idgaf But back to the doll that has now deprived me of 42 hours of sleep, Ariel!

I love her so much, I’ve been impatiently waiting for Disney to replace her old 17′’ head sculpt with something new, with a new screening, and they finally delivered this year! I took like, two pictures of her freshly deboxed and mint before I did my usual blasphemy and stripped her down for some hair styling:

Miss Fish, who do you think you are, coming into MY HOUSE with crunchy ass hair like that?? Some tidbits about her outfit- the jewelry is all metal, you need to remove her hands to get off the (gorgeous) bracelets, and the halter on her bra doesn’t have a clasp- I had to undo the chain to remove it, but the connector rings are pretty large so it was easy as hell and I put it right back together once I took it off. The back of the actual bra fastens with velcro, though.  And the flower ornament? demonic. It has strings of pearls hanging down, done with clear thread to make the pearls look like they’re just stuck in her hair I guess. Whatever, it was tied into her hair in several sections and I literally pulled off all of the pearls to remove it, and I’m gonna add a clip to the flower to use on it’s own. They also did some tweaks to the 17′’ body, though I’m not sure when this happened- the elbows have improved articulation as a result of them shaving off the back of the elbows a little more, making them less like Barbie Fashionista arms and more like Pivotal or FR arms. I’ve also noticed this change on the 12′’ dolls, so that’s great.  The upper leg joints look slightly different too, but Idk if that’ss my imagination. I haven’t tried to make her sit so I truly don’t know.  And I really really need to talk about these HANDS. They’re so beautiful. Gone are the ugly graceless hands of the old dolls, say hello to these beautifully sculpted hands (though Vanessa still annoyingly has the old hands lol):

Now all they need to do is get rid of those HIDEOUS hinged knees, replace them with pivotal knees and give the body some better feet- I hate the articulated feet on this body, they’re MINISCULE and have the ugliest shape. Please Disney save the lower half of this body!! After about five seconds of enjoying her stock look, I stripped her down and washed her hair:

I really need to know how they made her hair so crinkly and frizzy, because the natural texture is clearly a smooth, soft wave. I don’t know if this makes me a fake fan, but I actually despise Ariel’s bangs, especially on dolls. They’re IMPOSSIBLE to keep organized, especially with nylon hair, and I wish they left it all long instead of doing the bangs.  Luckily, they actually do look pretty nice on this doll and I’m certain I can make them look good even when they’re dry.  This is how she’s looking right now, while I’m letting her hair dry. Will likely flat iron it some but I’m really shocked and pleased with how nicely it washed out:

And once again showing off those stunning hands. I love them so much.  I’m tired, I’m hungry and I am very broke now, but I’m very happy and proud of myself for pushing so hard to get this doll and the adorable baby Rapunzel, along with the Ariel And Her Sisters set.   Definitely need one of the Vanessa dolls next month, and perhaps even the D23 Ariel because I hate myself lol.  Hope ya’ll enjoyed the longest post in the history of mankind!

[dark-confessions06]

Normally when I set up for a long post I always have a plan. How I want it laid out and how I want to start. But to be honest, my brain has been jumping topics and running on over drive. And instead of letting it all run wild in my head, I'm gonna find the best way to let it all out. Cause sure I do talk out all of this with my boyfriend, but it doesn't make the buzzing stop.

My first thought came to me early last week. I felt horrible about myself and like a failure. It actually hit me that my siblings are doing better than I am, and they are 3 years younger than me. They are younger than me and have/can hold a job, own a car, paying bills, getting their own apartments...just actually adulting. And I'm sitting here half way to 30 not knowing what to do with myself or what is 'the right/adult thing to do', without a car, without a license, without an ID with a working address, can't hold a job longer than a year(if I even get there), can't make my brain function and focus to get said jobs. Dude I can't even put in job applications without anxiety attacks. Wanna know a secret? I have always been like that. And the part that scares me the most is I feel like it won't ever change. Sure I'm making small adjustments or getting little things done but I feel so far behind. I literally feel like I'm stuck at 15. I literally feel like a 15yr old parading around as a 25yr old. People I graduated with or are my age have jobs with vacation and amazing pay, own a house, own a car, getting married, having children, straight up moving on with their lives and making something of themselves. I feel so far behind. Even if I tried applying myself to even make something of myself (whatever that might mean) I get overwhelmed and panicked and cry. I can't even stop it or help it.

Other thoughts revolve around myself in general. Some that have been there for years, some for a few months. And that's a very open and vauge topic. Goes from this mental bullshit to that mental bullshit. Starting with how I see myself. I feel a little better now about myself. After coming out. I feel a little more myself and a little more free. And when I'm passing out in public, I feel fantastic. When I'm about to take a shower or when I'm lounging on the couch(without a bra or binder) that's when everything changes. That's when I look down or look in the mirror and feel like stabbing and slicing and crying. Yet I force myself to only cry in the shower so no one knows or I don't talk about it or try and be strong. That's what brought me to last night. Yesterday was rough, real rough. So I wanted to get as high as I could to relax and be content. Last night I was able to get so high, I felt decent about my body and came up with this fucked up nonsense logic(that helped me feel better about my body when I looked in the mirror). Bigger/heavier men, talking 200-300lbs, have "boobs"...right? Like because your fat(lack of a better term) naturally even cis men get tits. Right? So I sat there and looked in the mirror and told myself "you are not a female with boobs, you are a fatter man who happens to have a larger chest". And so even today when I took a shower, I caught myself starting to cry and get angry then I stopped myself and said exactly what I was telling myself last night. It sort of helped. Any coping skill, strange or not, is better than cutting open my chest. Right?

My other thoughts revolve around my boyfriend and his family. And what others have had to say. I've heard from a few different sources that someone out there thinks I'm unhappy, I'm in a shitty relationship, I'm a leech who lives off my boyfriend, I'm doing weird things and need help. Wanna know the truth from my mouth instead of believing gossip and rumors? Truth is, if we're talking in a whole, I am happy. I'm happier in my relationship now than I have ever been. Does that mean I'm happy all the time? News flash sweetie, that doesn't exist. Your depression doesn't magically go away when you get into a healthy relationship. I am with a man who loves me unconditionally, who supports me unconditionally. A man who cares, listens, has my back and is always there. Always. Just like I've said in a previous post, idgaf what his PAST was. We all have pasts we aren't proud of. What REALLY matters is who he is now. And he truly is an amazing boyfriend. And guess what GOOD boyfriend's do? THEY MAKE SURE THEIR PARTNER HAS EVERYTHING THEY NEED. You wouldn't say "sorry I can't help you" if your boyfriend came to you and said I need more toothpaste or deorderant. You'd not be a shitty person and be like "okay babe, we'll get you more". So no, I am not living off of my boyfriend and his family. I fight hard for them to not spend money on me. Really hard. Even when it is something as simple or cheap as deorderant. When my tooth was hurting so bad I was in tears every single day, I waited til I was to the point of screaming and ripping out my own tooth before I asked my boyfriend to spend $2 on some orajel. TWO DOLLARS. Has his mom spent money on me? Yes. Did his mom pay for my ticket to go on vacation with them? Yes. However, she thinks of me as a son also. She tells me over and over how I'm part of the family and if she wants to go on vacation with her family, she'll make sure I can come. And when she spends money on me I feel as shitty as I do when my boyfriend spends money on me. I feel bad bc I don't know how I will ever repay it. So then this leads us to the "I'm doing weird things and need help". Honestly, you can fuck off with that noise. I am being myself. I am learning WHO tf I am. And if I have different coping skills than you, so fucking what? When I'm going into a full blown panic attack and feel the need to slice open my skin, I grab my binkie and stuffy and curl up into daddy's lap. So what? Maybe others can pop anxiety meds or get out of the house but those aren't or aren't always options for me. And if I found something that works for me, that doesn't harm me or others, who TF cares?

Then of course all these separate topics and thoughts run on hamster wheels in different directions all goddamn day. Nonstop. They also mutate into other thoughts than I mentioned here. At the end of the day all I can say is I am trying. I am trying so hard. I just try and tell myself that some day I will be even better than I am now.