#afraid that once again i must hurt you with the parallels

[fulltimecatwitch]

"I want do what you do, I want to be just like you."

"You will be,son"

[superficialdomina]

Awful things

Summary: A short alternate read on the "Terrible, awful things" moment in S2. GN reader.

Word count: 940

Warnings? Lots of Loki angst, implications of past trauma/pain. Spoilers for S2 I guess? No smut in this one (explicit or implied).

Note: I know this won't be for everyone, but I just wanted to give him this.

Lean hands gripped the controller, knuckles white.

Loki’s voice was even, despite the rising breathlessness. “I’ve done some terrible, awful things.”

X-5 gasped as the cube compressed, but Loki barely registered him over the ringing in his ears. The prisoner spoke again; Loki couldn’t make out the words, but he didn’t need to.

“Please tell me the truth.” There was a pain in Loki’s chest, a tightness constricting in parallel with the light cage in front of him. Hide it, his inner voice whispered. Be what they expect you to be. He pasted a carefully crafted sneer over his face.

“Well, if none of this is real, I guess you aren’t either.” The light behind his eyes was blinding, but it was almost over…

And then it was. Mobius was striding into the room; they had their answer. “Let’s go, Zaniac.” As Mobius and B-15 led X-5 from the room, Loki felt the familiar rush of blood thundering through his head. Sucking in breath, he sank to the floor.

***

Booted footsteps echoed as you negotiated the TVA corridors, dim lights bringing a familiar ache to your searching eyes. He must be here. Somewhere.

Another corner, another empty interrogation room – no, not empty. There, slumped against the wall. A pile of a man in a crumpled jacket.

Not a man, you heard his voice in your mind.

You dropped to one knee, facing him.

“Loki, it’s me,” you murmured, “It’s OK. I’ve got you.” You reached out and took his hands, which were surprisingly cold. He raised his eyes, and you gave a sharp inhale; they were red with grief. 

His hands shook as your fingers traced their thick veins, gripped his palms, helped him to stand. It was alarming, seeing him like this - his strength, his swagger, vanished. “I’ve got you,” you murmured again, and he took you at your word, letting his not insignificant weight fall against you as you half-led, half-carried him back through the maze of hallways.

At last, the door to your simple TVA living quarters closed behind you. Together you sank to the floor, his back to your chest, you supported by the bare, beige wall. You circled your arms around him, pulling him flush against you. And you waited.

Slowly, his breathing steadied; his trembling abated.

“What happened, Loki?” you whispered gently. “Tell me what happened in there?”

Loki slowly turned his head, resting his cheek against you. His eyes were closed as you soothingly carded your fingers through his inky hair. “X-5,” he muttered. “We – I – tortured…” Pain briefly twisted his beautiful features. “We interrogated him. It was… cruel.” He shuddered again.

You pressed the flat of your palms into his broad, solid chest. If I want it enough, can I be his armour? “You hurt him?” you ask quietly.

Disgust crossed his face again. “No,” he spat. “Not pain. Not really. But he… He was afraid. Terrified.”

You bit your lip in confusion. “Loki, I… I don’t understand. You didn’t hurt him? But that’s… That’s good, isn’t it?”

Loki opened his eyes, but he was staring at nothing. “He… believed… No, he knew I would hurt him.” He swallowed. “I watched a seal, once, being hunted by a pod of orcas. It was trapped on a shelf of ice, surrounded by predators. Nowhere to run. Nothing to think or feel but absolute, abject, terror. I saw that terror in X-5’s face. I smelled it. The fear of someone who knew he was going to die.”

It was your turn to shudder.

“Your reputation precedes you,” you said gently, understanding. You’d seen the footage. I don’t enjoy hurting people. It was necessary… for the illusion…

“Indeed,” he replied bitterly. “What’s that expression you’re so fond of? ‘Living down to their expectations’?”

“Loki, you didn’t hurt him.” You lifted his chin so that he met your eyes. “You could have. You didn’t.”

“I have done,” he began, “terrible, awful things -”

“Loki, stop.” You let a hint of steel through, a desperate attempt to reach him. “You’re spiralling.”

There was a pause as several breaths trembled through him. Considering at length all that he had done, all he had lost. What it had cost. When he did speak again, it was gut-wrenchingly quiet.

“I’m not – I don’t want to be – that man. Anymore.”

Nodding, you closed your eyes. “You choose your path, Loki, and I will walk it with you as long as I can.”

You’re not sure how long you sat like that; the two of you, pressed together, as if you could hold him long enough that all the pain of his eons-long life would bleed away. As if you could be the chrysalis he needed. You knew it would pass; Loki felt things fiercely, but eventually this, too, would be packaged up and added to the growing shadow he carried. As you sat, quietly listening to Loki’s breath become even, you thought about the other times he had come to you like this, twisted in self-curated torture at an act, a memory. It hurt, to watch him hurting. But you also realized what a deep privilege it was. What an honour, that he let you see him like this; bared, broken, exposed.  

Eventually, Loki pushed himself to seated, and turned to face you.

“Thank you,” he murmured, pressing his forehead to yours, his nose grazing your cheek.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes… I will be.” He stood, straightened, sweeping errant locks from his flushed face, shaking himself free of the residual cortisol like a cat after a fright. He offered his hand, and pulled you to standing.

“Dinner?”

“Italian?”

“Divine, my love.”

This is outside my usual content so I'm not even sure if I should tag you guys, but here we go: @lokisgoodgirl @infinitystoner @muddyorbsblr @divine-knight-hand @acidcasualties @lokischambermaid @so-easy-to-love-me @sarahscribbles

[revel-inbluehues]

Oh my goodness gracious, I am several different types of broken rn. I just watched episode 7, and I NEED TO RANT AND I'M PROBABLY GOING TO LEAK A SPOILER OR TWO.

Okay, firstly, the first half was hilarious, just FX and MQ being absolute comedic gold. I completely forgot that FX was afraid of women since I read the novels a long time ago, but it was hilarious. He looked so disgusted. Them getting in funny situation is good as it is, but the animators did a fantastic job at the facial expressions of FX, MQ and the background heavenly officials who were hearing all of this play out. I laughed at it all, and poor SQX being embarrassed, tired, and exasperated at the dice shenanigans that he had to deal with earlier.

But, funny as it was, the second part was my favourite bit.

I literally froze when I saw Fang Xin. It was beautiful and terrifying at the same time. Knowing what that blade had done, the history it has made it so much more impactful since this is the first time since this is the first time XL is seeing it in 600 years or so while this is the first time HC is seeing it in around 800 years if I remember it correctly. It is such a metaphorically heavy blade, and seeing its design and animation is so very beautiful.

Meanwhile, LQQ commented on how different XL seemed, and XL responded on how this is how he always was, just that LQQ never knew it. Even still, XL felt like a teacher to LQQ, so I feel like no matter how separate XL tried to be, he did very much care for LQQ as I'm sure the next episode will show.

But I think the major part that got me was LQQ's speech about not becoming full of resentment or like XL, which is one hell of a gut punch. Once again, bravo to the animators for that little cut to XL's eyes widening. I always knew LQQ was a parallel to XL, and it is most clearest here. In that moment, XL knew that he was LQQ's White No Face, and that, in LQQ's perspective, where he started the worst moments of his life in a twisted attempt to make LQQ just as resentful as him. It was a fantastic comparison and a terrible irony to XL, something he clearly acknowledged as he laughed and tried so hard not to cry. XL's comparison to the White No Face is something that will probably hurt every time, since to XL, only he and JW know about it, and he's unable to share the burden of what happened, which probably just hurts even more. The parallel between LQQ's words to XL and XL's words to White No-Face is so painful, especially to XL, who thinks that it's his burden to bare, and it probably hurts more when you consider that he literally just got Fang Xin back.

And throughout all of this, the one other person who knew all of this, and wanted to share the burden was standing right next to him, looking hurt and about to cry as he watch his most loved hurt. HC knew the significance of it all, and it was a stark reminder of all the times he failed to protect the one he loved the most, and since this right after he accidently hurt XL as well, this must be painful for him too. There is so much foreshadowing for all the donghua-watchers only and so much tragedy underlining this scene.

The part where XL hesitated to hold Fangxin, when you know everything, hurts so much. It caused him so much trauma, wielding it would have just been such a painful reminder.

Let me move onto fangirling before I cry.

Firstly, I was waiting for the daruma doll bit for a while. He looks so cute and angry at the same time. It's adorable, and I laughed when LQQ side-eyed HC in the daruma form.

Secondly, why do HC and XL still look so HOT EVEN AS THE WEIRD CANDLE DEMONS, OMG???? HC with horns, blue skins, and black sclera is going to haunt me for DAYS, and XL looks so good with it as well. The candles on their heads look so funny though.

The next episode is for the Qi Rong simps, and I would like to remind everyone that Qi Rong, heathen that he is, is still physically hot, even if I have the visceral desire to punch him.

[lollytea]

in regards to that text post you tagged as hunlow followed by "listen to me". i have a chair. i am sitting down. i'm listening if you want to explain.

Waaah I am all jumbled up so this is not gonna be very eloquent but lemme do a little word vomit here.

Anyway. The poem 'Yes & No' by Natalie Wee and the complete huntlow overload it gives me every time I read it.

It works from both their perspectives on how they view the other person. Those parallels do be paralleling. I might blabber about it from Hunter's POV....another day. But because the poem is written by a woman and refers to a 'Him' lets focus on Willow's side of things. It's the side that gives me the most brainrot anyway. I really do love a good subversion. A girl who thinks she is too monstrous for a boy whom she views as too gentle.

I think very often about Willow's relationship with her own powers. The show went somewhat into depth about how being 'Half a Witch' destroyed her confidence. The part of her that could not excel at anything that wasn't plant-centric. There's nothing particularly complex about her feelings of inferiority. It's very easy to understand. She's Mildred Hubble coded.

HOWEVER it's also shown in her debut episode that Willow losing control of her emotions can lead to big destructive outbursts. This is the part that was touched on as a conflict in For the Future, but was never really explored at length.

This ability of hers is extremely dangerous. She can severely hurt both herself and the people around her. Surely, that must be a frightening reality for a little girl to live with.

I wonder when these outbursts first started. I wonder if that incident in the detention pit was the first time her own magic nearly killed her. I wonder if something happened on the day of Amity's birthday party when little Willow felt like she had lost everything. I wonder a lot of things. But mostly I wonder how being like this since she was young has effected Willow's mindset, her behaviour and her complexes. What does she think of herself? Is she afraid of what she's capable of? Is she afraid of her own emotions?

Anyway, with that in mind. Here is the poem. Beat by beat.

reasons to not kiss him:

1. you weren’t raised to love tender.

Willow was born and raised to be a sweet gentle girl with a soft spot for plants. She's silly and lighthearted yet mature for her age and tries to remain rational in irrational situations. She allows hugs from Gus and she allows Luz's touchy affection and cooing over how cute she is.

But by "love tender", I interpret it as Willow not knowing how to love and be loved in a way that puts her in a vulnerable position. The bleeding open wound kind of love. She's already been thrown away once in her life like she's something disposable so she has decided that it will inevitably happen again. Willow has already braced herself for Luz and Gus finding other friends and leaving her behind. She's loved them so sweetly this whole time but she's always been keeping them at arm's length, scared to pour too much of her heart into their hands. She's simply savouring the time she has with them until they drift away.

But Hunter is a different story. There is something about him that demands she love tender. And it's terrifying that she feels the pressure to do so. And it's even more terrifying that she so badly wants to.

2. when he’s around all you do is tremble. when he’s around you want to get on your knees. look how much power he has over you. it’s dangerous.

Willow is a girl who has been carelessly discarded like her feelings meant nothing, made to feel like she was a waste of an existence and who is also deathly afraid of herself and the unstable magical battery pulsing inside of her. This results in having to lock up her more reckless emotions in order to keep everyone safe, but also to protect her own heart. She's gotten good at it. And she's also now perceived as an iron clad witch who cannot be weakened.

But the presence of Hunter reveals something very concerning. She can be weakened. His smile and his voice and his entire disposition is a breach of the barriers she has spent years building. He is capable of puncturing her clean through. And the part that makes her lips tighetn is that he's not even aware of it.

It doesn't sound so foreboding on the surface. So what if he can make her smile until she can't stop smiling? So what if he can make her laugh until she's breathless? But then she'd have to regain herself and realize that as harmless as that is, it's a result of her losing control of her emotions. Which she rarely does anymore. And it's all because of him with his soft eyes and his kind smile and his shy adoration for her.

And if he can do that, he can do far worse to her. That's the scary part.

3. he’s too good at forgiving and you’re too good at violence.

4. you know what they say about monsters. you know what happens to the boys who love them. are you going to do that to him?

5. your hands don’t know how to be gentle. think about the last beautiful thing that shattered in your palms. the fresh rosebuds crumbling between your fingers like a bruise. you wolf-boy, you war machine. you wouldn’t know how to hold something magic and not destroy it.

Willow is not stupid. She's not unobservant. Hunter did not need to stay a word for her to realize that he is a boy who has been wronged by someone who he loved with his whole aching heart. He has been hurt in a way that will leave his heart aching forever and ever.

But it's a sharp sting to know that in spite of that, he continues to fall deeply in love with every person who shows him compassion. Nothing can burn out his warm glow. He loves and he loves until he's sick with the stuff. And Willow doesn't know how he does it, but his glow is so nice to graze in. Once you get too close to him, you don't want to leave.

When Willow hugs him, his fingers tentatively twist into the sleeves of her cardigan. She sees how he looks at her and she knows he'd like nothing more than to squeeze her tight and drown in her.

He's in love with Willow the way he's in love with everything and she desperately wants to give him everything.

She wants to place her hands on his cheeks and watch as she melts into her palms, finally satiated after all he had been starving for.

She wants to fall in love with him.

But she can't. Because she knows he'd fall in love with her too.

And then eventually, she would hurt him. Like he had been hurt before.

She can't trust herself to not hurt him.

And in the aftermath of the hurt, she would cry herself hoarse with ragged apologies.

And because she was kind and because he knows she didn't mean to hurt him, he would squeeze her tight and say "It's okay."

Then she'd hurt him again.

"It's okay."

And again.

"It's okay."

A painful cycle that spins until there's barely of him left.

And Willow is scared that by that point that she'll be too weak for his soft eyes to ever let him go.

She doesn't know what will become of her.

She doesn't want to find out.

So to stay on the safe side, they will never begin.

6. if you hurt him it might kill you

7. if you hurt him you might kill yourself.

8. you are very bad at rehabilitation. this is one addiction you’d fail to give up. he’s going to ruin you for all other kisses and all other boys and you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to forget his name.

Willow has analyzed the situation and she's come to the conclusion that if she allowed this sweet boy entry to her briar n' bramble guarded heart, they'd bend to his will, clearing a path to the delicate structure. And once he holds it in his hands, he'll leave his fingerprints all over it.

This is the damage she's talking about.

The damage he can do to her.

9. you still aren’t sure he isn’t a dream.

10. if you kiss him, you might wake up.

You would think, with all this lamenting Willow does over Hunter's existence, that he's making her miserable.

Far from it.

She's reluctant to admit it, even to herself, but she's already addicted to whatever it is that he's emanating. Like a flower stretching towards the sunlight.

Sometimes he doesn't feel feel.

Typical of an overthinker to not believe that could be as wonderful as it seems.

In an ideal world, they could both make each other happy.

If she doesn't ruin everything.

Mistletoe kisses. Parasitic in nature.

What if she leeches all the light left in him?

What if a kiss is her wakeup call?

reasons to kiss him:

1. because he’s beautiful.

He's so beautiful.

2. because he asked.

He's begging. He's begging every time he looks at her. He certainly doesn't mean to. Nor does he know that he's doing it. But somehow, without saying a word, he has crumbled to his knees begging for her to pour of a little of her heart into his lips to warm his blood.

He wants her to love tender and be loved raw. And he wants to do the same.

And if she said no, he would simply reply "that's okay."

But she doesn't want to say no.

She wants to give him everything.

That's the problem.

And even worse....she is pretty sure she is about to crack.

She will give him everything.

Because...

3. because he preceded please with, i’m not afraid of you.

[carcrashscike]

how i wish scott and mike’s dynamic in tdas would’ve been written:

* note: this is given that the plot stays relatively the same, i would change a lot about this otherwise

mike is pissed at scott for what he did to him last season, and with this newfound control of himself and his headspace he isn’t as afraid to say it. he isn’t around scott much early on (being on different teams and generally avoiding each other like the plague) but in challenges mike, often alongside zoey who shares this vendetta to a lesser extent, gets super competitive when scott is around. scott plays this off in his scott fashion (“wow he’s really obsessed, must be in love with me or something”), and while he derives some surface level pleasure from getting mike’s niceness to crack deep deep deep down he feels guilty. he knows what he did last season was shitty, how could he not? it doesn’t help that it seems mike will never let him live it down, eyes burning into the back of scotts head at any and every given opportunity (a gesture reserved only for him). the early episodes show mike and scott generally staying away from each other, with only sparse moments of hatred from mike’s end.

their dynamic takes a turn once mal gets added to the mix. scott doesn’t realize that mike isn’t the one fronting anymore, but he quickly pieces together that “mike” has begun to sabotage others (including his friends), a revelation that fills him with pure glee. he’s been validated, mike wasn’t only mean to scott because he wronged him, rather mike was just as cruel and vindictive as he was all along and he was a hypocrite for pretending to be otherwise. scott misconstrues “mike’s” actions as him revealing his true self after playing the long con, rather then it not being mike at all. mal on the other hand is keeping an eye on scott, as while he isn’t his biggest threat at the moment he knows that he was able to make it far the previous season (that and he holds a tiny vendetta against scott for his previous actions… something something “no one will mess with us with me in charge”). scotts going down like the rest of them without a doubt, but he isn’t mal’s primary focus mid season.

scott sees through all of “mikes” subsequent actions of manipulation. oftentimes he chooses to say nothing as those actions rarely target him (he quietly prides himself on that, it’s their little secret even if “mike” doesn’t know he knows) and also often harm his competition. he begins to interpret “mikes” non focus on him as a sign of possible respect, putting the past animosity behind them like he knows scott is above such obvious manipulation tactics. while he’s still hurt by courtney’s chart when it’s revealed, he’s more curious as to how mike acquired it in the first place. he also doesn’t fall for mikes bid to get him angry at gwen, spinning the line of reasoning back on him again coyly (“you said it’s her fault, but weren’t you the one who exposed her chart?”).

with his newfound perspective on “mike” scott doesn’t expect himself to be a target until it’s too late and he’s dangling by his foot in front of a very hungry shark. maybe he taunts mike, comparing himself to him and finding similarities between their actions or maybe he proposes an alliance with the knowledge he believes he has. either way mal pushes him in front of his worst nightmare, paralleling scotts actions towards mike. its in this moment scott realizes what’s happening, the truth that the man in above him wasn’t mike at all. scott finds plenty of time to ruminate on this as he slips unconscious.

as he awakes he’s swept up into elimination. part of him holds out hope that zoey will do what should be the obviously smart choice, but the rest of him knows she would never betray mike, even if it isn’t really him. scott try’s to expose mal to zoey at this point, faking once it’s clear that zoey has already realized what’s up. scott’s final words curse out mal for wearing the skin of the man he wronged and for making him believe, for just a split second, that they would somehow get better.

[goodnightmemes]

BONES SENTENCE STARTERS / s01e12 - s01e14

❛ Don’t use your charm smile on me. ❜

❛ Every family has its secrets. ❜

❛ Are you a nerd? ❜

❛ Go ahead. Don’t let me stop you from - What are you doing exactly? ❜

❛ You know I gotta tell you, I never bought all that English 101 stuff. Sometimes a river is just a river. ❜

❛ Could you please, maybe just for once try not to piss everyone off around you? ❜

❛ My God, it’s like we lead parallel lives. ❜

❛ You’re just one of those guys who’s way too good at lying. ❜

❛ I’ll see you in the comic books, buster. ❜

❛ So what you’re saying is that reality falls far, far short of the fictional. ❜

❛ I was just using it as an excuse to make conversation and reestablish our connection. ❜

❛ Great, how he’s ignoring us in two languages. ❜

❛ You know that book I’m reading, about getting along with your coworkers? It says that sarcasm is never helpful. I could lend it to you if you want. ❜

❛ Did you hear what I said about sarcasm? ❜

❛ I call shotgun. ❜

❛ I called shotgun. What does it mean to a society when the niceties are no longer observed? ❜

❛ Is anybody here? You don’t have to be afraid. ❜

❛ Of course they’re gonna be afraid, I have a gun. ❜

❛ I am asking you as a favor not to make me do this…to scare her. Please? ❜

❛ Interesting or horrible? Because sometimes, it’s the same thing with you. ❜

❛ Mega tough old bastard. ❜

❛ I’ll tell you what, because I like you so much, if I find out who did it, I’ll kill him. ❜

❛ You think you can intimidate people into doing what you want? ❜

❛ How do you handle someone who isn’t afraid of you? ❜

❛ That’s gonna hurt in the morning. ❜

❛ I know you’re all about self-reliance and fighting your own battles and standing up for yourself, but now, as your friend, and knowing how much you hate psychology here, you need therapy. ❜

❛ Later I found out it was three days. But, I thought it was a week, maybe more. ❜

❛ He came in every day and made me believe I was going to die. ❜

❛ I promised myself if I ever had the chance, I’d get even. ❜

❛ You put a hit out on my partner? ❜

❛ If anything happens to her, I will find you and I will kill you. I won’t think twice. ❜

❛ Come here, look in my eyes. Look at my face. If anything happens to her, I will kill you. ❜

❛ Should I keep talking as though you are paying attention? ❜

❛ The information that I’m about to tell you must not leave this room. ❜

❛ I am philosophically imposed to institutional secrecy in all its forms. ❜

❛ So now politics are more important then murder? ❜

❛ Next time you know, you miss me, pick up the phone, call me, we’ll do lunch or something. ❜

❛ He doesn’t know what it’s like to lose a parent, you do. ❜

❛ You want to back down a jot there buddy? ❜

❛ Well maybe he discovered that being pushy is how you get cops to pay attention. ❜

❛ What are you hawking at me for? ❜

❛ Ugh, you’re so sweet, honey. You really are. ❜

❛ We get it. You’re a rebel. ❜

❛ Yeah, I know at times like these not to get hopeful, but on the other hand you’ve got to have hope. ❜

❛ I’m not really interested in bonding over the loss of my parents. ❜

❛ Ah, good one sir, very droll. ❜

❛ Never. Freeze. On. Me. Again. ❜

❛ Well, I’m never trusting any of us again. We’re that good at lying, huh? ❜

❛ Some people find it harder then others to get over the loss of a loved one. ❜

❛ Either talk loudly enough so I can hear all the way or whisper so I can’t. ❜

❛ No, we are going to keep doing what we are doing behind [name]’s back. ❜

❛ Oh, I’ll do that! Was that overly enthusiastic? ❜

❛ You just want to see what happens when you toss some frozen pig into a wood chipper. ❜

❛ Your primary job is to do what I say, failing that your job is to fool me. You failed to fool me. ❜

❛ I can be vindictive and petty. I will take you down even if it means striking at you through your friends and co-workers. ❜

❛ I know what it’s like not to know what happened. I know how painful that can be. ❜

❛ Even if you don’t believe it, I know your parents are somewhere proud of what you do. ❜

❛ Hey, you know, your people are my people. ❜

[mejomonster]

Chapter 150. So secondly, so much info on Fei Du. He disassociates so much from his own feelings, he's very numb to his own feelings. It's interesting, in that he thinks he operates completely on logic but emotions clearly influence his choices and actions its just he is barely even aware they ARE influencing his decisions. I do wonder if someone asked him why he doesn't kill, what he thinks the reason is. While I do THINK there's a reason and so far I don't personally think it's solely Luo Wenzhous influence as far as why he didn't become like the Zhou or Wei kids... I also think Fei Du might not be aware of why emotionally he is so driven to revenge for people who were harmed, to help protect people, to not harm others. But obviously he's driven to not harm, something possessed him to want to self harm to such an extensive degree as to Try and condition himself to respond with nausea and fear of pain when contemplating hurting someone or something. He must be really terrified of indulging such innate desire to be cruel, to go to such awful lengths to Try and train himself to NOT be that way.

Luo Wenzhou asked fei du why he saved Luo wenzhou. I should go back to that conversation. But like... despite whatever he answered, I wonder if fei du really realizes the depth of why he saved Luo wenzhou from the bomb. Of how deeply he does Care. It's like a cop said once of worrying fei du was the type with such a Strong sense of justice he'd go vigilante kill, and it's like Xiao haiyang being That Type and paralleling him... fei du does Care strongly, but he's not even fully aware of how much that influences his actions. Strangers can pick up on it even, but he can't. He's so disconnected from himself. You don't self harm in such intense fear of yourself hurting others, unless you're terrified of hurting others and terrified of losing control of yourself. He doesn't touch that Terror in his conscious thoughts, thats How terrified he is of it. Terrified enough to convince himself such actions are rational and logical and don't imply something seriously emotionally fucked at play spurring the action. Terrified enough his mind blocked out bits of that basement. There's a lot of trauma he copes with by being numb to his own feelings so he isn't overwhelmed by that Terror and feel of lack of control over who he is, over his impulses, over his past still haunting him. But it also means a numbness to the current present emotions that Are driving him but he just isn't really able to fully notice Because he copes by staying out of touch with his feelings. So even though they do affect him, he can't address it much. I thought at one point in his pov parts in the novel that maybe he just chose to ignore acknowledging the emotional aspect driving him, but now at chapter 150 I think he's actually just really unaware of it. I mean, makes sense, I was that way at 21-22 too. Took a lot of therapy to even know what i felt again. And his self harm and traumatizing himself more with that, to punish himself painfully FOR what to him was an instinctive trait from young to harm others/be okay with cruelty, is definitely feeding into the whole aspect of him afraid of himself. Enemies with himself. Unable to grasp which self is the self he feels is him now, that it's the same self actually and that the abuse at himself is self hatred and fear. There's just... so much to go into.

He was terrified of losing Luo wenzhou, and recently of losing Tao Ran, and he isn't able to recognize his emotions enough to know that. He's too disconnected and constantly reinforcing the disconnection by doing what's logical when any event happens, ignoring if he responds emotionally at any point, and insisting to himself he does not have those emotional internal reactions (that do occur). I wonder to a degree, if partly he cuts off his own awareness of his emotions because he's terrified of feeling loss again (his mom), terrified of feeling trapped again (his dads comtrol rhen becoming who his dad wanted and desiring things like his dad did), terrified of feeling weak again (at the Mercy of being what father wanted and now at the mercy of rhe shadow org that killed his dad and many others), terrified of being outside his own control (when he does enjoy cruelty or feel an urge to harm does he feel like his father is Still controlling him since he turned him into this), terrified of his own passion (his mom abused because dad "loved" her and his father "loving" cruelty and power getting him killed and fei du fearing if he feels love and desires power he'll do something just as fucked up and lose his loved one and lose his own power and life). There is SO much fei du fears will happen if he feels emotions, so he does as much as he can to ignore when he does feel them, convince himself he doesn't feel any, and numb himself to whatever he does feel so he can't recognize it.

(I do think personally fei du Cannot feel empathy for others, that angle he often argues... though you could argue he's wrong and his dad made him just think he couldn't understand others emotions. But if we believe fei du is right, and say he's like the protagonist guy in Flower of Evil kdrama, that doesn't mean he can't feel internally his own shit. The not feeling internal stuff is his own numbness and dissassociation to cope. That also doesn't mean he can't choose to want to help people, which he clearly has decided to do now although I'm still debating when and why he came to such a decision. Even if you argued he helps people out of selfish motivation, he said something to convince the people in his own secret organization that he would get revenge for them, enough for them to want to die for him. I think he does have some kind of sense of vigilante justice at least to a degree to convince people to his mission so thoroughly.)

Anyway my point is. Fei Du dissassociates and numbs from his own emotions. And the chapter 150 scenes are really fascinating in seeing a moment in time when he isn't quite Aware he's feeling stuff and that affects his actions, but the fact he IS numb and doesn't notice his emotions driving him causes HIM a blind spot. Just like Luo Wenzhous part of the chapter is about his blind spot of trusting people he loves to not do harm, Fei Du has a blind spot of not noticing when his own emotions affect his actions and decisions and memories. This chapter is the "blindspot" chapter, you could perhaps say. Fei Du draws a graph to try and figure out what's going on in his own mind, unaware of his own feelings so struggling to be able to map all of the factors affecting his own dreams and memories. With the help of the graph and thought process, recognizing at least that SOMETHING terrified him. Something terrified him in the memory he can't recall, and Tao Rans accident reminded him of it.

(Which like it's a sad scene and all but also it's kind of funny to me like... fei du you are THOROUGHLY motivated by Terror. Honey... you could've used a therapist to maybe recognize this in the many years you went ToT instead I'm guessing you just found ways to better numb yourself to your own emotions, thereby making the blind spot worse. I know you're afraid of your own feelings and the huge loss of control you fear happens if you feel them but baby... you can't make them Stop scaring you until you can... process them and work through them. And you just delayed all that until idk you finally decide to. When you had a good therapist ToT. I'm gonna go on a limb and assume his dad was very ANTI trauma therapy, and very PRO operant conditioning and abusing literally everyone. Fei Du baby I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Anyway.... my point is Fei Du is very motivated by his fears, it's one of the easiest ways until I'm proven otherwise to track his motives. Beginning of the novel, why the fuck would he seriously pursue Tao Ran when he doesn't love Tao ran, doesn't "love" anyone, is a playboy, isn't even marriage age, wants to infiltrate the cops but there's SO many easier ways like the university plan which he does later and Tao Ran is STRAIGHT. Logic would dictate pursuing seriously Lang Qiao, or Luo Wenzhou if he could get away with it, or just doing his intern plan. But he's afraid of exactly what he told Therapist Bai: losing what he considers his approximation of a family now that he's setting his secret plot in motion. Tao Ran and Luo Wenzhou are that family. Luo Wenzhou only fights with him, and fei du likewise only fights back and fears Luo Wenzhou will abandon him SOON and partly out of self sabotage and partly out of desperation to be worth Luo wenzhous trust, fei du keeps hinting his plot RIGHT AT LUO WENZHOU. That's sure not logical! That's dumb as shit! But fei dus emotions want him to be worth Luo wenzhous trust, and want Luo wenzhous approval and "family home connection." And in contrast his intense self hatred wants Luo wenzhou to abandon him sooner. Judge him asap. He cant just bite his tongue and fully lie to Luo wenzhou. His emotions are too desperate. Then comes Tao Ran: he's a way to maintain closeness to fei dus "family" he doesn't want to lose, Tao Ran won't date him either so it won't risk getting too close emotionally which fei du fears, and fei du can enjoy Luo wenzhou competing with him and not Only rejecting him, for a few more months. Pursuing Tao Ran is very emotional fear motivated. Logically it wasn't needed. Logically every single dumbass fight with Luo wenzhou was a bad idea (and fei du knows Luo Wenzhou is good at making him open up and be vulnerable so it was extra stupid to KEEP talking to him).

But emotionally fei du wanted to be near them until his plan ruined those connections. Just like emotionally, one of my favorite scenes, fei dus fear is why he grabs Luo Wenzhous hand in the car and holds it. He turns it to a flirt ploy later, but ultimately the reason he grabs Luo Wenzhous hand is emotional support. Is a rare moment he let the emotions go and let them be soothed, with the only person he feels safe to let them out with. Maybe he feels Luo wenzhou can hold him and his terrors and help him ride though them, maybe he feels in a self hating way that the awful fears he can't ultimately control will destroy their relationship and he lets those fears come out to get that self fulfilled abandonment. But Luo wenzhou never does abandon him. (And oh that's a rich area to explore... fei dus emotions when he held Luo wenzhous hand).

Fei du is absolutely driven by fear, of himself and his own feelings and what they'll cause. He clutches onto his loved ones because he's also contrastingly very afraid HE'S going to be the reason he loses them. He doesn't realize he has loved ones (and maybe that's also out of a fear if he Loves them consciously he will hurt them like his dad hurt his mom so he tries to disconnect from love too), but his desperation to have them and protect them From himself drive him. His fears about his own past, who he was, who he is now, who he might he if he doesn't beat himself brutally and torture impulses he's scared out out of himself and constantly crush down any emotions he notices and constantly FEAR when Luo Wenzhou makes him open up and feel vulnerable and Constantly put on an act and Put Up Walls both to others and inside himself against himself. Its just. He is only vaguely aware Terror drives his nightmares (and this Tao ran nightmare is far from the only one he has... he has nearly constant nightmares). Even though its a huge factor in everything he does.

Quotes below:

He was the one who’d bought it, not expecting that he’d use it only a couple of times before it became the tool of an individual surnamed Luo.—Before, Luo Wenzhou had simply been long-winded; now, in the midst of his jabbering, he also wanted to sum up all the trifling analyses in that jabbering, hanging them up on the whiteboard, accomplishing an omnidirectional exhortation directed at Fei Du’s eyes and ears; it was very deranged.

X

Luo Wenzhou really had been a little fretful that night, Fei Du had felt it, but it hadn’t amounted to anger. But in the end Fei Du hadn’t clearly worked out whether he’d really coaxed him out of it. Because of this, perhaps he’d kept thinking it over in his dream, and his dream for some reason had made a big fuss over a minor issue, enlarging this slight concern.

X

People’s consciousness and memories hid very complicated projections and very subtle distortions. Surface logic and unconscious logic seemed to use different languages. Although Fei Du considered himself very open towards himself, it was still hard for him to objectively decipher that day’s series of dreams, which was stuck like a fishbone in his throat.

 

Generally speaking, a dream that could startle someone awake must have touched some deep-seated anxiety and fear.

 

But Fei Du had examined himself, and he believed that he didn’t have anxieties; fears were out of the question. For him, “fear” was like a celebrity on TV—he knew such a person existed, could see them every day on the screen, but as for how they looked in reality and what their temper and disposition were like…he had no way to judge.

 

He hadn’t felt that he’d been in any way not calm when he’d heard the news of Tao Ran being taken to the hospital. The car crash had already happened, and only the doctors could remedy that; it had nothing to do with him. Fei Du remembered he had only spent the whole journey considering the sequence of events.

 

Could it be that “Tao Ran being injured” had been a huge source of stress for him, going so deep that it had touched some deeper and more intense thing in his memories?

 

In his dream, Tao Ran, who had been hit by a car, had appeared with his face showing signs of asphyxiation. So following that line of reasoning, an asphyxiated face was something else in his memories…but where had he seen it?

X

He’d determined to return to his old house to have a look at the basement. He had passed a lightless childhood there, borne the correction of electric shock and medication countless times, even witnessed his mother’s death. Fei Du truly couldn’t understand why there would be a flaw in his memory of the time he’d snuck into the basement.

[thedandelionthief]

one of your aftg guys for blorbo bingo !!

you get three of them because i’m insane

in order it’s neil, andrew, renee

NEIL. NEIL JOSTEN THE ONE AND ONLY. i heard they’re making a new mental illness for him in the dsm 6. this guy has been through literally every bad thing possible and yet he’s still so. himself. and i absolutely love him for it. the character development is INSANE whenever he calls the foxes his family it makes me violently sob and shake my kindle at impossible speeds. i would love to give him some hot soup. he’s also one of the funniest protagonists in any book series ever? i love characters who have 0 filter and are incredibly sarcastic and snarky (that word makes me violent but it’s the best way to describe it). whenever he insulted riko i cheered for him out loud. it’s crazy how a character with this much tragedy going on in his life that has made me cry and be more worried for a character than i ever have in my life (the countdown literally made me sick), he also has some of the funniest lines in anything i’ve read ever. he’s such a guy i love him so much and i want only the best for him in his future

andrew on the other hand IS literally the blood that courses through my veins hes my everything and i fully support every bad decision he has ever made. when i was first reading the foxhole court i was like “this guy sucks as a person” and then i got halfway through the book and realized that he’s actually like. a very caring and protective guy who just wants the best for his family and the few people he chooses to let in even though he goes about it in very unorthodox and destructive ways (such as murder. i’m talking about murder. he killed his twin brother’s mom). but even then it all makes SENSE. like he doesn’t act without reason at all and i think there’s so much depth to his character that you don’t see at first and it’s interesting how that parallels with the whole monster branding and how the other foxes see him… also his thing with promises makes me INSANE i could write a five page essay. he’s not as well. funny as neil?? so this section probably seems a bit more serious. he’s so intense all the time, but he definitely does have his funny moments, usually with some really good sarcasm which once again i love more than anything. overall his methods must have rubbed off on me because i was fully prepared to kill everyone who has ever hurt him after finishing the series

and renee!!!! <3 she was originally my favorite character and then i fell down a rabbit hole of andrew minyard insanity. but i still love her SO MUCH. i think it’s really cool to see a christian character who is seen as calm and wise who is ALSO extremely skilled with knives and not afraid to hold her ground. the fact that nora makes a point of showing how her faith doesn’t take away from her strength but instead adds to it is. mwah chefs kiss. also she’s been through so much and still came out of it such a kind person. and she talks about how she CHOOSES to be a kind person. it isn’t something easy, she doesn’t just wake up every day and love her life because with everything going on around her and in her past that would be so difficult. but she chooses to try and be a good person even though she doesn’t believe that she is one. she’s just so important to me i love her and i need to give her a hug

if you read all that i’m sorry

[thisbuildinghasfeelings]

Tuesday's episode was so great! It had everything, Tarlos communication finally, TK and Tommy, parallel talks with the parents, Andrea roasting Carlos on his bullshit, 126 family moments while helping Marjan dating, Paul x Asha confirmation, Paul being ordained (a nice surprise 👀), a lizard (which I'm finding oddly cute), and i found the rescues hilarious too (though I don't know if this is an unpopular opinion).

The only thing that bothers me a bit is that Carlos keeps making a joke of his secret marriage. I mean, I don't mind it being mentioned sometimes, like when Andrea said Carlos would be married twice but only once to someone he loves, and I guess TK must be okay with it in genereal for him to feel comfortable bringing it up in this way. But in moments when TK is already spiraling the effect is to continuously remind him of all of that mess, and it's clear that, at least in those highly emotional moments, TK doesn't really appreciate the humor. Of course it may just be that what he's annoyed about is simply the fact of Carlos deflecting instead of taking the conversation seriously, independently on the joke used, but I would like them to stop. Or make TK joke about it too together with Carlos in moments when it isn't used as deflection during serious conversation but while commenting something that happened that day or even flirting, to show us he really is over that mess, actually that would be even better. I'd say TK could use it to roast Carlos a little too but I'm afraid they would make it instead of teasing in relatively light-hearted situations (like I'd want it to be), as hurtful jabs that would put them more at odds in tense situations (which I DON'T want, it would feel like regression at this point).

That's the only thing, but this time Ronen was right, this is definitely one of my new favorite episodes.

And I'm curious what awaits Tarlos next, I hope it will be things like this and not excessive drama, and I know it's maybe not a so popular opinion but I'd like for both of them to stay out of hospital beds for the rest of the season.

I loved the episode too! Not only was it a great Tarlos episode, but there was so much other great stuff as well.

I completely get not liking the secret marriage jokes...they're not my favorite thing either. However, I've made my peace with them by considering TK's reaction to the secret marriage and just what we know about Carlos. First of all, Carlos is not a cruel person. If he thought these jokes were hurting TK, I don't believe for a second he would be making them. And from TK's reaction to the secret marriage, I have to come to the conclusion that he sees it as, at worst, a stressful situation that had to be overcome before he was able to marry Carlos. It doesn't appear that TK interpreted this situation as any kind of a betrayal by Carlos or that he felt as though Carlos had hurt him. In this last episode, he mentions it to Owen, but even then he says the divorce/annulment was never a question for them. From all that, I think it's obvious that TK sees the whole thing as a stressful situation he and Carlos got through together...which makes the jokes make a little more sense. Also, TK's reactions to the jokes themselves are more like "Ha, ha, you're very funny *eye roll*" rather than like he's being actually hurt or upset by them. This is absolutely not the way I would react to my partner revealing a secret marriage and then proceeding to joke about it, but it's the way TK is reacting and that makes it easier for me to deal with. That said, I wouldn't mind if they never joked about it again. Really, I wouldn't mind if they never brought the secret marriage up again! It does seem like they are pretty committed to making these jokes, though, so I won't be surprised if we get more of them. I agree with you that I'd prefer TK to be the one making them, as long as it was in a lighthearted manner and not a lashing out, hurtful jab kind of thing. If another secret marriage joke is inevitable, I hope it will be TK making it.

I am also very excited to see what comes next! I'm excited about the wedding, of course, but I'm also dying to see whatever episode Ronen has identified as the next "Top 5" Tarlos episode (we're going to hit at least 6 Top 5 episodes by the end of the season at this rate, lol). I'm guessing this next "Top 5" episode is probably 15 or 16.

My main wish is for there to be no more internal drama between TK and Carlos. I don't really want them fighting anymore now before the wedding. I want any conflict they deal with for the rest of the season to be external conflict they deal with together. I don't particularly want either of them to end up in the hospital either...at least not with a really serious injury. However, I do love angst and hurt/comfort, so if it was well done, I'm sure I could be won over!

In just 2 days it will be ONE MONTH until the finale! This season has gone by so quickly, and while I'm very excited to see how it all wraps up, I don't know if I'm ready for it to end and put me back in hiatus mode!!

[undauntedchampion]

as far as New Year's days go...

It’s rare to know the exact moment you’re going to say a permanent goodbye to someone you loved. In a way, this is a gift, though one I’ve been given before. It’s every bit as poisonous as it was the first time.

There was so much more I wanted to do together. So much more I wanted to create and experience. I treasured the time we spent writing together. It showed me I’m still capable of long-form writing. I genuinely hadn’t thought I would ever be capable of it, with my disabilities. Your acceptance and kindness when we were creating together was what I needed to find this part of myself. And now it’s taking me to greater heights. I don’t feel the burden of my disability when I look at an activity I’d like to try anymore.

There’s been so much I’ve wanted to share with you. We used to share everything with each other, and adjusting away from that has been a slow misery. I was willing to give you everything. I wonder if you ever really realized that. My hands were open and outstretched to you, even after the arguments started. I hope you remember.

I hope you remember how you drove a queer disabled woman from her one and only online community over someone else’s argument. And you know, I found out? Jean never cared about that whole thing. When I talked to them to apologize, they didn’t even seem to know what I was talking about at first. All of this hurt was for nothing. What does that make you feel? You stated two goals to me back then in your “guidance”, for me to not hate Jean, and help me “fit in”. I didn’t ask for or need your help in those areas. With your assistance, they have both wound up as objective, smoldering failures. What can I do but laugh?

You launched a crusade against me because I vented to someone who had encouraged me to do so in the past. Again and again I apologized and pleaded to know how to fix things. But you didn’t want that, really, did you? You loved the feeling of control and submission from me. Not even in a sexual way, in some twisted emotional need. Now that I have distance, I look back across your characters, your RP, and see sisters. All us girls you played with just to make suffer. To satisfy some twisted part in your heart. Was it fun? Was it worth it? Did you get what you wanted?

You, who have insisted that you know my mind and heart better than I do. I hope that knowledge is driven into your flesh. I hope you never forget. Your pretend villainization of me won’t last very long once it doesn’t get you attention anymore. You’ll be stuck, then. Stuck in your shrunken worlds. Too afraid and cowardly to take even the smallest step toward improvement. How do you think you’ll manage with my ghost at your shoulder? Maybe she’ll smell like daisies. Maybe she’ll gently reassure you, and maybe you’ll hear her laugh over little things. The true Alaria that you claim to know so well. That sort of Knowing tends to inspire more than one bargains for.

Or, perhaps, you were lying. Another one in a series to make yourself look as good as possible to as many people as possible. Have you noticed how often everything must be about yourself? My therapist says you’re a “social narcissist”, and that’s why you’ve done this to me. Perhaps you are. Heaven knows you don’t have enough of a backbone to face that realization, or seek to improve.

My own memories will fade. Not through any mystic rite, but the simple reality of living with a brain injury. First to go will be the sweet, happy times. The nothing moments. Watching anime late into the night. Planning out scenes and plots. Every happy scene we created together. Then the larger moments, few though they were. In the end, you’ll take your place next to the other people who have hurt me the most. A seat right next to my ex-fiancé. The parallels between the two of you and what you’ve done are startlingly many. All those moments I treasured with you, with them, fade. The brain holds on to pain so much longer than happiness. Slowly my memories of you will become blurry. In a year’s time, it will be difficult to keep events in the right order. Details will be gone. In the end, all that will remain is a hazy feeling of heavy, angry grief. Just like all the others.

They’ll be good company for you, in your shrunken world. In your fear, you shrank the world down to be manageable. But you had to shrink yourself down to do it. Now you’re small, Eri. Small and unkind and pathetic. Someone who cannot be crossed lest they scorch the earth and salt your land. So much effort to keep yourself as the infallible center your tiny world revolves around.

In honor of the Alaria who exists in happy moments with you, I wish you truth. May it be the sort of painful truth that galvanizes you irrevocably to action. May you grow and learn and improve enough that you can truly know what you’ve done, and what you've lost.

[discardedmask]

I used to be your star, my core got heavy, skin went cool. before the fires all went dim you used your words as wicked tools. I miss you babe for sure, but there are questions I must ask. You made me feel meaningless, like you could forget your past.

Did I die in brilliant light, or disappear in the night sky? My core has frozen over and I can’t remember why. You made me feel so frozen, and afraid, my knees grew weak. I shiver and I shake as I turn my other cheek.

When my lifetime ended did I go out in a blast? Did I break you into pieces? Turn you brittle into glass? Did you float out of my presence to an orbit that would last? Am I with you? Did you leave me in the past?

When you look back where you came can you still see me? am I gone? Despite all of our distance can I love you? Is that wrong?

With time I will reform to something new. I guess I’m just in pieces with the memories of you.

I learned to play my music so that I could sing for you. Learned scales, chords, and melodies so my hands had things to do. But I fear my dear these broken chords are not enough for you. So I’ll busy up my hands with someone else’s tune.

These sounds they cannot travel space, and other stars can take my place. I’ll burn away at record pace, cause you’re the high I’ll always chase. That sweet romantic lovely taste, the flavour that I can’t replace.

Oh what dear shall I do. For now I am in pieces with the memories of you.

I know you might be angry but now that the fighting’s over. Do pieces of my soul float in your heart like supernova? Or plucked away from where I once stood in your life so bright, did I left a hole so deep it eats away your light?

My darling moon in the night sky. I’ll love you till the day I die. Every star will fall, so just whatever. But I wish death didn’t have to mean forever.

Forevers much too long, I cannot always sing this song. I can’t just wait to sing along. So I must say babe that it’s through.

I’ll pick up my broken pieces, and leave my memories of you.

——

Babe. I’m always going to love you, but I can’t anymore. I have to use the big word, you’re an abuser.

I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. But you need to let go of your desire for control.

Darling I will make you feel powerful. I will worship you at the altar. I will pray to you and bend for you and break for you. But that is my choice, and if I cannot choose that for myself without your imposed consequences then I cannot love you any longer.

The door will always be open to you, but I guess in parallel to how we became so close, it’s your turn to go to therapy. You allowed me to feel empowered by growth and achievement. It’s your turn to do the same. Three months, with an evidenced change, and I’m yours again,

We all grow up, and in that process we see some of the darkest parts of ourselves. We lose parts of ourselves. We find parts of ourselves. These pieces don’t die. I don’t wish that they would.

You learn to control the body with the mind. You learn to overcome fear and let go of control. You learn to embrace the inherent sufferings of love. You learn to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You learn to allow yourself to be hurt, only to be hurt again. You learn to admit your mistakes.

Maybe you’ll learn to love me? Maybe we can go from cherry wine to sunlight. Maybe I just love you too much to hate you. I’ll never know, you’ll never take the time to talk it out.

I’ll miss you though dear.

[misstrashchan]

“Maybe there was something there you just weren’t seeing” (Maria to Ruby, regarding Cinder, 6x08)

Rewatching v6 and the scene with Ruby and Maria where they discuss the Silver Eyes, and just being struck after everything we’ve seen in v8 how neatly the pieces are all being laid out for us here:

-Ruby repeatedly being able to hurt Cinder with her eyes because of her Grimm arm, but never killing her.

- Maria very firmly stating that the Silver Eyes are not meant to be thought as a means of killing, but of saving lives

-Every time Cinder is hurt by Ruby only further drives her into pain, anguish, and bitterness, and deepens her fear and hatred of Ruby, and her belief that Ruby is her greatest threat

- The actual fact being that Salem is Cinder’s greatest threat, the obvious parallels being drawn between how the Madame abused and controlled Cinder via the electric shock collar as a child, and how Salem abuses and controls Cinder much the same through the Grimm arm, how she is still stuck in her awful childhood and can never achieve her true desire, never be free as long as she serves Salem. As long as she can control her through the Grimm she is fused too.

- A huntsman named Rhodes, (as in meaning “where roses grow”) who tried to help Cinder as a child but was unwilling to challenge his own perception of her once she broke the law, once his view of her, to Cinder, was looking at her with eyes that perceived her as a villain, as a monster. Irredeemable, someone who needed to be hurt, stopped, contained, punished. Someone who was no longer worthy of help, someone beyond saving, someone who was being treated as a threat that others needed to be protected from

- Ruby purposefully using her Silver Eyes against Cinder with the intent to protect others from her, because of her traumatic experiences relating to Cinder at the FoB having instinctively come to only see Cinder as a threat she needs to protect others from

- Ruby’s reaction to seeing that Cinder is fused to a Grimm after intentionally using her eyes against her, and again having a similar horrified reaction realising that the Hound was a Grimm fused with a human person after intentionally using her Silver Eyes against them as well.

The Silver Eyes are not a force of destruction. They are not meant to kill human lives. They are meant to protect and preserve humanity, all of human life.

Ruby: So, how do I laser beam monsters with my eyeballs?

Maria: First, you stop thinking like that! I want you to think of all the times you've triggered your powers. What did those moments have in common?

Ruby:  I... was scared, and stressed. Is it emotional? Like unlocking a Semblance?

Maria: It's emotional but more focused than that. Think, what is it you wanted?

Ruby: I wanted to protect my friends.

Maria: Precisely! It is the desire to preserve life which fuels the light inside you. And to make no mistake, it is light. Preservation is an extension of creation, or, at the very least, an enemy of destruction. The Creatures of Grimm were made by the God of Darkness, but your light comes from his brother.

 Maria’s advice to Ruby is to challenge Ruby’s initial perception of how she thinks of the Silver Eyes and the way in which they are used, the emotions and motives behind triggering her powers. And Ruby also learns that there are different ways one can use the Silver Eyes, being able to turn Grimm to stone, blind them or vaporise them. But the most important thing to take away is that the different ways Ruby can use her Silver Eyes that she has yet to learn, and how Ruby uses them, is determined by her own personal intent.

“Don’t think about your light as a means of destroying evil, but as a way to protect the people of Remnant”

In the past, the way in which Rhodes and Ruby have both chosen to see Cinder as a threat to be dealt with and refusing to look at the person that is hurting, scared and in need of help, has only driven to prove Cinder’s view of huntsmen and herself, and has only made her more hurt, afraid, and traumatized, and less likely to break out of the cycle of pain in which she endures and inflicts on others.

We know Cinder needs to break free of Salem. We know she’ll eventually realise she has to get rid of the Grimm arm to do that. We know that only Ruby would be able to help Cinder vaporise the Grimm arm and free her from Salem’s control. But we also know that Ruby has used her eyes on Cinder in the past, multiple times, and it’s only served to hurt Cinder, with the Grimm arm still remaining. So, what would have to change for Ruby’s eyes to work to save Cinder from the Grimm instead of hurting her?

She has to learn to see Cinder as a person. She has to see both human and monster. She has to see Cinder, really see her. If she wants to help her, to stop her hurting and her hurting others, to break the cycle, the intent and mindset Ruby has when using her eyes on Cinder has to change. Instead of thinking “I have to protect everyone from Cinder” she would have to think “I have to help Cinder”

Ruby has to realise there was something she wasn’t seeing. And, well, she’s already starting to:

 And it’s just such a fascinating direction for both Ruby and Cinder to go down. Because it would present some of the most difficult personal challenges for them to overcome. Cinder already doesn’t like what the arm is doing to her, she doesn’t want to be a tool for Salem to use, but if she wants to be free of her she’ll have to ask for Ruby’s help. Cinder would have to be brave enough to be vulnerable around Ruby, who she is terrified of because of how she’s hurt her in the past, to trust that she won’t harm her, that Ruby will want to help her, to learn that she, Cinder, is deserving of help simply because she needs it and has asked for it, because her life is of value as much as any other person, because she is a person.

 And Ruby, I think since the v7 finale, truly pities Cinder. After seeing the Hound and the person inside and having a similar reaction, I can’t imagine Ruby would think that anyone deserves such a horrible fate. And the duty of a Silver Eyed Warrior is to protect and preserve life, right? She should want to save Cinder, not harm her, given the opportunity, right? But I think that even after Ruby starts to see Cinder, not as a monster she needs to defeat or defend her friends from, but as a scared struggling human that needs her help in being freed from Salem’s control, that has willingly approached and asked for Ruby's help, (and I do believe the line "Cinder must redeem herself" cements the idea that Cinder would be the one to approach Ruby) I think using her eyes to free Cinder would still be something that Ruby would struggle to do.

I think she’d try to do it, because she’d know it would be the right thing to do, knows that it’s what she should do. But when it comes to using the Silver Eyes, what matters is the emotions and intent behind them. She can’t just decide to save Cinder with the SE because she knows that’s what she should do and disregard or suppress her own feelings towards Cinder, she has to want to do it in order for it to actually work. She has to willingly create that mindset of helping Cinder, and that’s something she’d struggle to do until actually thinking about and addressing her own personal feelings and trauma that are tied up with Cinder, given how Cinder has literally become someone who triggers Ruby’s Silver Eyes.

And it could be such a deliciously complex dilemma for Ruby, struggling between knowing that helping Cinder is the right thing to do, trying to repress her old resentment and anger towards Cinder and force herself to use her Silver Eyes in order to do that, upset and guilty that she can’t make it work, that she can’t just do this because there’s a part of her that doesn’t want too. And realising that she can’t help Cinder until she first helps herself, in overcoming her own trauma.

Not to quote Princess Mononoke or anything, but they both literally have to see each other with eyes unclouded by hate.

[object-show-analysis]

Flower’s character arc and where it came from

A lot of people seem to think Flower’s actions in the final episode of BFB were out of character or came out of no where. So let’s talk about it.

Most claims I see when people accuse characters of acting “ooc” in the finale seem to come from an inability to recognize the slow progression/change in goals. Yes, characters like Four and Firey all might seem out of character if you judge them from the first time we see them in the show, but what they’ve been trying to achieve has been slowly changing throughout the course of BFB, to the point where it was relatively easy to predict their actions in the final episode.

But when it comes to Flower, it’s even more than that. Her actions line up with everything we’ve been told about her since episode 1.

From Episode 1 of BFDI we’ve known one thing about Flower. Her motivation is Attention. She wants to be Seen. She wants to be Admired. She wants to be Loved. A good season one example of this is her first ever line in the show:

She hasn’t even shown her face yet and she’s already asked someone to what they think of her physical appearance.

This behavior can be dated back to the Firey Comics, but as those don’t count as fully canon in the BFDI lore, I won’t discuss them.

Early on it’s established that Flower wants attention and admiration from other people, so you can imagine it must have hurt when she’s the first to get eliminated.

And we Know it hurt her. But we’ll get back to that in a moment.

BFB put a lot of effort into giving the very 2D characters more 3D personalities. In the first episode of BFB, we get an interesting parallel to Flower’s appearance being insulting in the first episode of BFDI

Ruby claims, seemingly out of no where, that she thinks Flower is beautiful. This immediately grabs Flower’s attention. As up until this point, no one has seemed to believe she was attractive.

Flower is later seen in episode 5 of BFB to be astonished by Ruby’s opinion of her, asking her to help get other people to think she’s beautiful as well. This re-establishes the idea that Flower’s main goal is to be seen as beautiful.

When Ruby says that she no longer thinks Flower is beautiful, it upsets Flower quite a lot. Leading to her changing her appearance in any way she can, allowing herself to be berated by Ruby in an effort to make Ruby like her again. All because “it does feel nice being called beautiful again,”

So right away we already know a few things about Flower

1. She wants people to think she’s beautiful

2. She’s willing to do things that are frustrating or demeaning if it means people will think she’s beautiful

3. It makes her feel good when someone says she’s beautiful

This behavior seems to stay solid for most of BFB, though the root of her desire does seem to shift.

The desire to be seen as beautiful widens over time into a desire to be Liked. As she shows in more and more competitions a desire to impress her team.

The fact that she wants to be liked seems to become more obvious post-split. Starting with her getting angry when Taco wants to be with Spongy instead of her, and her reaction Firey thinking of her as a friend in BFB 18.

Clearly Flower puts a lot of value on people who like her. And over time she develops more friends who really understand her and care about her. (Most notably Firey, Loser and Leafy), to the point where she’s not afraid to turn Taco away when she rethinks Flower’s alliance offer.

She is still very trusting and eager to form new relationships, which leads to TD being able to manipulate her in episode 27, but over all Flower seems to really evolve as a character. Shes more confident in herself and her abilities. She works to be more understanding of the people around her. And she tries very hard in everything she does.

She makes it clear in BFB 24 that elimination is something she fears a lot, which is understandable considering she was the only person to be completely alone in the TLC in BFDI, and being eliminated would undo all the hard work she put in.

Her panicked monologue after Purple Face leads her to believe she’s being eliminated tells us a lot about her. She tells us “I played the whole season wanting to redeem myself” which proves she’s been working hard to undo past mistakes and become a kind person. She feels humiliated at the very idea of being eliminated.

But something interesting that will be important to her behavior in episode 30 is that while she’s going over all her regrets, never once does she mention the actual prize. She says she wanted to prove everyone wrong again. “Everyone” being the people who thought she’d get out. She wants to show that she’s worth something. She wants to redeem herself. And in her eyes, winning is the way to do that. The actual prize of the game was never in her mind.

This is why it doesn’t seem surprising when she gives Gelatin the BFB. She knows he wanted it more than anyone else. And in the end, the prize wasn’t what she wanted at all. This is the same reason she eventually forfeits the BFDI to the announcer as well. Though she was reluctant to give it up as a sign of her effort. The actual prizes weren’t what she was fighting for.

Flower wanted something far more valuable than the BFDI and the BFB. She wanted people. People who saw her as beautiful. People who supported her. People that loved her. And people who she loved back. That’s what winning was to her.

And considering the show ends with her wishing two of her best friends good luck on their journey, and then turning to look at all the other people that she’s formed bonds with over the course of the show

She really did win, didn’t she?

[lord-explosion-baku]

Sparrow

Prince!Satoru Gojo x assassin!reader

Warnings: violence, swearing, suggestive themes, dubious themes, blood

A/N: request numero dos is done! It’s kinda silly, but I think it’s pretty fun! I think it can be read as pretty lighthearted, even if it gets a little violent! it’s a little different that what was originally requested! I had the elements for a sword fight set up, but it wasn’t working out the way I wanted it to, so I took a slightly different route! theres still fighting though! I hope you like it!

It’s been a long journey to get where you are now, silently scaling the castle towers towards the prince’s bed chambers. An extra long journey, considering how many royal guards have been posted on top of kingdom rooftops. Like a shadow in the night, using nothing but the black elements to mask your presence, you’ve managed to slip by them, as well as the gatehouse soldiers, undetected, leaving only four men incapacitated, and not a vestige of your presence. All this sneaking around has been a trying job thus far, but it’s almost over now. You’re about to finish what you came to do.

Light as a feather, quiet as a dormouse, you swing your body up and over the limestone-clad palace window. The room is adorned with priceless artwork watched over by gilded ceiling paintings. Framing the biggest bed you’ve ever seen is a corona with royal blue drapery that hangs down to each corner. In the center of the bed lies the sleeping and wonderfully unaware prince.

His body is lopsided, and only partially covered by silk sheets. One of his feet hangs off the bed. Tousled white hair sticks out in every direction while still managing to frame his admittedly attractive face. Long white eyelashes. Peaceful and full lips. He’s young, you think, although you’ve been aware. But seeing him in the flesh solidifies the thought: you are about to be the end of his short life.

However, this mission comes with little remorse. There have been rumors that the Royal Gojo Family has been dabbling in alchemy for over a century now. To you, there is nothing more disgusting than the use of the unnatural sciences. It’s ungodly. And even then, this kill shouldn’t matter much since you can call it what it is: a job. This is what you do. Do as your master commands, kill without question, leave no trace, get paid, repeat. It helps that there have been rumors specifically centered around your charge; rumors that Prince Satoru is a complete and utter womanizer.

Well, not for long.

The bed doesn’t shake the least bit as you climb on top of him. The prince sleeps soundlessly and doesn’t stir when you situate your thighs over his firm hips. Normally, you’d simply slit your target’s throat, quick and easy, but since there are those rumors about the use of alchemy, you need to work a little differently tonight. To kill an alchemist user, one will have to pierce them directly in the heart with a silver blade. You don’t particularly believe that the prince is a user; his focus has primarily been on balls and parties and other social events, but you’d rather be safe than sorry. So, your primed weapon of choice, a silverlined dagger, slides up your sleeve and into the palm of your hand. You grasp its hilt, then line it parallel to his heart, pull up, and plunge it in.

Rather, you would be plunging it in, if it hadn’t been for the swift-acting hand wrapped tightly around your wrist.

“Drop it.” The low, sleep-crackled utterance sends shivers up your spine. Acting fast, you use your free hand to push on the hilt, your strength against his, but it doesn’t budge a centimeter, and instead, both of your wrists are captured by the prince. His grip tightens, squeezing you so harshly that you feel the tips of your fingers tingle, but you don’t relinquish your weapon.

Vibrant blue eyes blink up at you, narrowing into a scowl. You try pushing harder, ignoring the fact that his eyes seem to glow in the darkness, ignoring the fact that they are the prettiest eyes that have ever gazed at you, ignoring the fact that those pretty eyes are now trailing down your body. Your skin burns at the attention. You can’t let yourself believe that he’s checking you out in a life or death situation, but then you figure it’s in your head when he says, “if you wish to keep your wrists intact, you will drop. Your. Dagger.”

Surrendering is not an option. It’s either kill or be killed, because even when you choose to not kill, your termination will be absolute. You will be tried by the king with his son at his right side, then you will be hanged for your crimes. So with shaking hands, you attempt to exert more pressure, trying to keep your breath steady to not raise a commotion.

Surprisingly, the prince chuckles. “Has a little sparrow flown through my window to try to kill me?”

In one fell swoop, Satoru manages to flip you onto your back, his hands bringing your wrists down on the side of the bed, forcing you to drop the dagger to the floor. He eyes you speculatively for a moment, then his mouth turns up into a half-grin.

“A woman, no less.” He muses incredulously. Then his eyes dart back down your body, and by the way his grin widens, you’re sure he actually is checking you out. “Are you supposed to be some kind of peace offering?”

What an odd man. Although you've just made an attempt on his life, he’s smiling down at you like you’re some kind of acquaintance—no, friend.

“I mean…sending a beautiful woman to my bedchambers says a lot, wouldn’t you agree?” Prince Satoru asks after taking in your dumbfounded expression. “Not much for words?” He asks. “That’s okay, little sparrow. We don’t need to talk.”

You gasp when he begins to lean down, eyes trained on your lips. Without a second’s hesitation, your feet meet his bare chest, and with all of your might, you kick off, throwing him back a couple meters. You flip back onto the floor and attack him with throwing knives while you search for your dagger. If he is in fact an alchemist, your other weapons won’t do much damage, but could slow him down if you could manage to hit him.

“You’re strong,” Satoru gleefully appraises, dodging another one of your throwing knives, and catching the other. He throws it back at you, but you manage to duck behind the corona curtain at just the right time. “And fast.”

The dagger is under the bed. You grab it, gulp some air, then use the curtain as a distraction before charging at the prince, using the same swiping technique your master has taught you. Your blade cuts through the air with one swipe, and another. You’re barely missing him, and it’s frustrating because that goofy grin stays plastered to his dumb, pretty face!

In a moment’s notice, he grabs your outstretched arm, pushing down on a pressure point that has your limb lock up. “But you’re messy and unrefined,” he says as a hand slides up your arm. Now behind you, he places his free hand on your waist, moving you into a stance similar to what your master has shown you. “Don’t you fret, little sparrow. It’s nothing a little polishing won’t fix.”

His breath is hot and fanning your ear. Your stomach knots when he squeezes your waist, and to your utter horror, his lips graze down to your neck, tongue sliding over your skin. “Mmm…sweet.”

“What! Are you—?!” Bouncing away from him, you cover your slick neck with one hand while the other continues to point the dagger outwards. What’s even worse is that he doesn’t look the least bit jaded!

He laughs. “Even your voice is cute!” In the dim light of the room, you can see pink beginning to bloom across his cheeks. “Won’t you speak more? Say my name, pretty please.”

“Prick,” you hiss, once again charging forward.

“Do you kiss your master with that mouth?” Satoru begins using his arms to block and redirect your attacks, until he’s twirling you around as if you’re dancing and not trying to kill him! You fume, hating the fact that the prince knows you have a master to begin with. “I should hope not. The only person I’d have you kiss is me!”

He dips you down low, your dagger somehow tucked between the junction of your arm, and very smoothly places his lips against yours. You’ve been kissed before, but never in such a way that made you feel like floating. Like gravity ceased to exist. Like you were falling into a black hole that you didn’t want to claw out of. Prince Satoru Gojo’s kiss is different. It’s light and it’s heavy. It’s heaven and it’s earth. It’s a blessing and a curse.

He hums into you, making the knot in your belly tighten. For a moment, you don’t struggle. Instead, your lips part, and you allow the prince to cup your face to pull you in deeper, tasting you, relishing you. You wind your fingers through the soft strands of his starry hair, and lose yourself in the moment. When he breaks the kiss, pulling away with an expression you can only call beguiled, his thumb moves along the bottom of your lip. Your mind is the fog that clouds the streets at night. It doesn’t mean anything to you when you kiss the tip of his thumb, but when that grin you hate so much comes back, your body erupts in blusterous rage.

Realizing what you just allowed to happen, you snap at his hand. He pulls it away just in time for you to reach for your weapon and slice it across his chest. You push him back, only allowing yourself a second to collect yourself before aiming the dagger at his heart. He catches your wrist before it makes contact.

“So passionate,” he says with a smile, but through gritted teeth. “I must admit, this has been the most fun I’ve had in my bedchambers in a very long time. You might even be spoiling all the fun that the future entails as well. And I don’t even know your name yet. How sad.”

Satoru throws you against the wall, pinning your dagger-wielding arm against one of his extravagant paintings. He nods towards your weapon. “Throw that away.”

“You scared, alchemist?” You bite back.

“I’m only afraid you might hurt yourself, little sparrow. Sharp objects are dangerous, you know. Wouldn't want to clip your wings.” He winks. “And you should be referring to me as your royal highness. I am a prince, afterall.”

“With the dark craft that you and the royal family use, you’re no higher than me.”

Satoru chuckles. “Won’t you please tell me your name? Or at least join me in bed before you insist that I need to be killed.”

“This is not on my insistence.” It’s a slip, but it’s a big one. You’d cover your mouth if your hands were free.

“So, who sent you?” The prince prompts. “It can’t be a scorned lover. Hmmm. The Fushiguro clan? Pshh. No. They’d do it in person.” He flashes his teeth, omniscience glowing in his beautiful blue eyes. “Master Suguru Getou?”

You suck in a breath and he reads it all too well.

“I already know,” he purrs, lips brushing against yours. “Your fighting style is very similar to his. I’m just surprised he sent somebody with so little experience. It certainly proves how much of a coward he is.”

Your blood boils. How dare he insult your master to your face! Satoru Gojo, the sleazy prince and a lowly alchemist. He is scum compared to Master Getou.

You ram your head into the prince’s. Pain shoots down your spine, but you ignore it and thrust your dagger forward. Satoru grabs your arm and pushes it down, and soon, you scream after hearing a tearing sound, and feel a very sharp stinging at your side. Sticky warm fluid seep through your fingers at your side. It’s not a deep cut, but it’s just enough to make you bleed.

“Oh no,” Prince Satoru says in earnest. “Oh, this was my mistake. Dear sparrow, that was a reflex of mine. I didn’t mean to—“

There’s a knock on the prince’s chamber doors, followed by someone’s low voice asking, “your highness, are you well? I heard screaming.”

Shit. This is it. You’re dead. Sure, the prince wants to play with you, but anyone else will have your head in a heartbeat if they see what you’re doing. You should say your prayers now and kiss the world goodbye. You’re sending a silent apology to Master Getou when Satoru lifts you up and carries you to his bed.

“Sir Nanami?” The prince calls while he throws the sheets over both you and him. He climbs on top, pressing his chest into yours. The side that’s injured seers with pain, so you let out a little whimper the moment you hear footsteps enter the room.

“Don’t tell me you have a woman in here,” the man groans. “You know the king has forbidden any partner of yours from walking through these palace doors until further notice.”

“She flew in through my window, actually,” Satoru slyly admits. “But she’s no ordinary woman. She’s very special to me.”

Both you and the knight scoff at the same time, though you hope he doesn’t hear you. If he can believe this charade, perhaps you can get on with your night. And once you kill the prince, there will be a knight who will think that his murder is nothing but a lover’s quarrel gone wrong.

“I see.”

You’re staring at Satoru’s chest, and you realize that his wound from earlier is nearly healed. If you had any doubts about the Gojo family using alchemy, they’re out the window now. You run a fine finger across the red line that contrasts against his ivory chest, feeling the smooth bump where you’d cut him. Will it scar? you think. Disappear completely?

The prince squirms and grabs your hand. “That tickles!” He exclaims, bringing your hand up to his mouth to pepper kisses all over it. Even though the attention burns the back of your neck, you let him, since it’ll only convince the knight that the two of you are in fact being intimate.

Finally, Satoru says, “did you need something, Sir Nanami, or are you ready to confess your voyeuristic sins?”

Sir Nanami sighs, but you hear him back up a few paces. “Then, nobody’s hurt, your highness?”

“No,” Satoru says dubiously, “however, if you could fetch the healing medicines, that would be appreciated. She’s a little feisty!”

You slap his chest and he yips playfully back at you. It would be good fun if the two of you weren’t enemies.

Once the knight leaves, you’re quick to slink out of the bed, albeit wobbly. Dots of blood line his sheets, the sight making you feel a bit dizzy, but it doesn’t stop you from picking up your weapon.

“You don’t tire, do you?” Satoru asks impishly. “As admirable as that is, I simply cannot allow you to try to kill me anymore! You’ll get more hurt!”

“You’re nothing but a dirty alchemist.” You weakly thrust the dagger forward, nearing the window.

“Well, and a dashing prince, but that’s besides the point.” Satoru steps forward and you step back, your legs hitting the window’s wall. “Your master is no better.”

You bare your teeth at him. “Don’t you dare say a word to me about my master!”

“Please, little sparrow, you’re injured. Step away from the window and let’s bandage you up.” He reaches a hand out, and you swipe through the air, splicing his palm. More blood falls to the floor. Unafflicted, Satoru says, “you can’t hurt me.”

“Then let me leave, so that when I return, I can hurt you!”

There’s a purse on his lips. A pensive pause. Then the prince raises both of his hands, one of which is already healed, in defeat.

“There’s a medicine man who lives south-east from the gatehouse,” he says. “His name is Kiyotaka Ijichi. He’ll be asleep by now, but he’s a bit of a pushover and a sucker for a lady in distress. If you wail a bit outside his house, he’ll come out to offer you aid.”

“I don’t need anybody’s help,” you spit as you begin climbing out the window. You half-expect him to push you then. It’s a wonderful opportunity, one that you would seize if you were in his position. But the prince just watches you begin your descent.

“Do try to not bleed on any of the garden flowers,” he calls.

You wordlessly growl back at him.

“Oh, and little sparrow! Should you return here tomorrow evening, or perhaps the next night, or even a week or a month from now, shall I prepare red or white wine for you?” Prince Satoru offers you a charming smile. “And would you like there to be a violinist present? Anything to set the mood?”

Once you’re on your feet, you glare up at the beaming prince. He’s far too confident, but you make a mental promise to ruin that confidence someday, somehow. You don’t answer him, like you’re sure he doesn’t expect, but you allow him to watch you disappear into the black from whence you came.

[abumbledbee]

Tubbo and Wilbur’s Parallels

tw/ mentions of death / suicidal ideations

“If I can’t become the next Schlatt, then you can’t become the next Wilbur.”

This is a quote from Tubbo, given just before the exile arc began, when he was arguing with Tommy. Tommy accused him of acting like Schlatt because he was putting the nation's needs before him. Tubbo, offended at the comparison, reminds Tommy that he is acting irrationally, and is reminding Tubbo of Wilbur.

When we speak of parallels between Tubbo and Tommy with Schlatt and Wilbur, we’re often inclined to compare Tubbo with Schlatt, because they worked together so closely during Schlatt’s reign, and the complicated relationship between them which ultimately ended up with Schlatt having Tubbo lose a canon life for his betrayal. And due to Tommy and Wilbur's close relationship before and up to Wilbur's betrayal, it's easy to draw comparisons between them as well.

But I think we often overlook a lot of similarities between Tubbo and Wilbur that are worth delving into more, and the farther Tubbo goes with his character the more comparisons I keep catching. At this point I think Tubbo's character parallels Wilbur's far more than Tommy's does.

Wilbur was the founder of L’Manberg, and its first president. It’s a nation he built from the ground up, which started as nothing more than a front for his drug lab but grew into something bigger and more meaningful than Wilbur ever planned for. While on the server he found love (?) and had a child, Fundy, and then things began to get rocky as they fought for their independence against Dream.

Ultimately Wilbur fails to protect L’Manberg and their independence is bought by way of Tommy sacrificing his discs in return. Wilbur ends up losing his country by way of being exiled when Schlatt wins office, and we watch his descent into madness as he realizes how much he cared for the country and how no matter what he does, what it once was is gone forever in his eyes. The Pogtopia arc originated with Wilbur trying to come up with a plan to secure his presidency again and to reclaim his country. It ends with Wilbur refusing his original role and ultimately destroying the very thing he created along with himself because he couldn’t bear to see what it or himself had become.

In Wilbur’s darkest moments we see them play out on screen, his button room is one of the most iconic scenes we got during this period of the storyline. Wilbur in an enclosed space, surrounded by the signs reminding him of what L’Manberg once was and what it would never be again. He's hounded by his thoughts, his mental state shattered and he no longer believes there's any other course of action.

Ultimately this is his final resting place, the room where he sets off the TNT that destroys L’Manberg for the first time. He begs his father, who had just arrived to the server because he was worried when Wilbur stopped sending him letters, to kill him. And Phil does.

L’Manberg’s story does not end here, despite what Wilbur did. It begins again, with Tubbo and a crater. We talk about Tubbo being president of L’Manberg as though he was just taking on the role and a nation the way Schlatt did, but in reality, he founded it again. Tubbo, along with Phil and others, REBUILT an entire city on the rubble of its former life. Tubbo’s L’Manberg is in fact nothing like Wilbur’s, except for the parts Tubbo purposely recreated, like the camar van.

The major difference in their takes on presidency is that Tubbo did this for Tommy, for Wilbur, for the original citizens. He took on the role of President out of duty to Wilbur who passed it down to him when he felt unfit to rule again. He did his best on behalf of everyone who fought on Pogtopia's side, to reclaim a nation they all had lost. In the end he lost it one final time, chunk errored by way of Phil, Techno, and Dream.

And from here on we see a new Tubbo. The bright-eyed, president-elect is no more, and instead he begins to isolate himself from the main server. He retreats to a snowy biome separated by water, and builds a house and gives it a name. Snowchester. Now, most people wouldn't give just a house a name. Even from the start Tubbo was creating a new community, without even realizing. Eventually Snowchester grew to be a legitimate colony of its own, with Jack Manifold, Foolish, and Puffy all moving in and setting up shop. He declares independence, and in doing so, decides he must ensure it any way possible. He's seen what happened to Wilbur's L'Manberg, how helpless the other man was in keeping it safe. He knows he failed his own L'Manberg, and he will not let it happen again.

He hatches a plan with Jack, and the answer is.... Nukes. A bomb, in other words. But instead of using it to destroy his nation, it'll be used to protect it. Tubbo designs it, and they ensure it works with a test launch before decommissioning the remaining two. Time passes and eventually, he's opening up to people again. Tubbo marries Ranboo and they adopt a child together.

Suddenly it's not just Tubbo, it's Tubbo and Ranboo, Tubbo and Michael, and then Tommy is gone. It's shocking, and unexpected, and he doesn't believe it at first. He's been so beaten down under Schlatt's regime he no longer openly shows his emotions, the closest we get to seeing his true grief during this time is when he stares at the memorial he just finished for Tommy in Snowchester. Then comes the anger.

He wants to know how this could've happened, he tries to investigate it, but before he can get too deep into it, Tommy's back. Revived, and Tubbo has had to experience losing him and gaining him back again twice now. Inevitably, like with most of Tommy's plans, Tubbo is roped into his next one. And it's a doozy. Tommy reveals that he wants to kill Dream, to ensure he can never revive anyone else, and Tubbo reluctantly accepts.

One of the most troubling moments during his investigative time was when he made a room for him to fill with his notes and evidence. At first glance it is deeply reminiscent of Wilbur's button room, the walls covered in signs and his lectern in the middle of the room mimicking the button. Because Tommy returns before he can get further in his investigating we'll likely never see this room again, but seeing him make it to begin with filled me with unease.

Tubbo has lost his fear of death. It's first noticed at Doomsday, when he defeatedly jumped in front of Techno's rocket launchers over and over again. We see inklings of it again and again, such as when he scoffs at his chat begging him not to investigate Techno for the TNT at the prison, saying he'd die. Tubbo just replies with "So be it." and continues on. We see it again when he and Ranboo investigate the Eggpire and get caught, and he continues to fight with them until he's only got a few hearts left. He mentions feeling exhilarated, full of life from almost losing his last. It's a reminder of the violent life he's had til this point, his time in the SMP filled with war and bloodshed since the very beginning. He's not afraid to fight despite being on his last life, in fact at times he seems almost ready to end it all.

Yesterday's lore stream was unsettling in a few different ways. The first being Tubbo casually mentioning how his eyes play tricks on him. It's a throwaway mention towards possible hallucinations or paranoia. He also refers to himself as paranoid later on when he's worried someone's hurt Michael, and it bothers him so bad that the next minute he rushes over to ensure Michael is safe. He is willing to do whatever he must now, to ensure Michael can grow up safely, much like Wilbur wanted for Fundy, with no Dream to terrorize the server any longer.

Wilbur's initial wish for L'Manberg once it was fully formed was for it to be a nation his son could grow up safely in, with all the possibilities at his fingertips, until their independence was threatened and he had to focus on leading an army instead of being a father.

But even more upsetting than that, is Tubbo's admission to how he designed the nuke. He tells Jack after one is stolen that there is a manual detonation option, a dead man's switch. He designed the bomb to have a suicidal solo detonation option as a last resort, so if he ever needed to use it and Jack wasn't there he could take matters into his own hands. Tubbo was so ready to ensure if something happened to his self-made colony he could deal his revenge even at the cost of his final life. His reasoning for making the nukes was not for self-defense, it was so he could finally take a swing back at whoever took from him again. He'd seen L'Manberg destroyed twice by people who initially sided with it, had 2 canon lives ripped from him by way of betrayals. He might not have thorns on his armor but by god will his death have them, and heaven help whoever is on the receiving end of his suicide-start nuke.

This mimics Wilbur's final steps but from the logical, more level-headed mind of Tubbo. He's created a bomb, a weapon of destruction he's willing to die with. Wilbur wanted to die with L'Manberg, Tubbo is willing to die for Snowchester.

[seokjinsonlyone]

Not My Type | 3

pairing: jungkook x female reader

summary: "She's a lot more than nice, so you need to be careful."

genre: friends to lovers

warnings: none; jimin here tho being flirty and stirring the pot <3333

rating: pg

wc: 1.7k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

Jungkook’s newfound hobby was driving her crazy. One too many times had their little lunch rendezvous made its way into her mind in the past week. The way he sniffed her hair oddly enough was a recurring playback. She had a thing for weirdos and Jungkook could definitely be classified as that. And, that was exactly why she needed to shut this whole thing down.

Now, she considered herself a progressive individual. She didn’t mind change as long as it was for the better. She didn’t have a problem evolving her relationship with a friend. In fact, she preferred it. Always said that if she was gonna get into it, she wanted to be with a friend. But, this particular friendship wasn’t the one. It wouldn’t make sense. There was no way it could possibly be better.

They were like oil and water. They didn’t mix. Which was fine as a friendship, they could peacefully coexist. Anything more than that, however, would be an unnecessary burden. And, her life didn’t need to be anymore difficult than it already was. She wanted an easy love. It was this line of reasoning that carried her straight to her best friend’s house.

“You need to talk to your friend,” she announced, waltzing into Jimin’s home, throwing her purse on the couch before finding him sitting at the island eating cereal.

He looked up. “I’ve already told you should just ask Taemin out. He’ll most likely say yes. He thinks you’re hot. Stop trying to get me to create scenarios.”

“And, I’ve already told you I refuse to pursue a man. No matter how dreamy and evil he is,” she sighed.

In all honesty, she probably would’ve gone for it if it weren’t for the fact that she could tell he wasn’t really into her. Not in the way she would’ve liked for him to be into her. He flirted with her in person (and in her dms), held her in a way that made her stomach jump after a few drinks, but ultimately his goal was a few nights in the sheets. And, that just wasn’t her thing. She didn’t do casual. Didn’t like to invite people into her life that weren’t going to stay. So even though she thought they could be good together, she was deciding to let this one go. If he couldn’t see what was right in front of him that was on him.

“You’re gonna end up alone.”

“You must realize that I am my favorite person.” He rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I wasn’t talking about him. I was talking about Jungkook.”

“What he do?”

“He’s been acting weird ever since last week.”

“What happened last week?”

She sucked her teeth. “You know, when we were all here?”

He narrowed his eyes at her, pupils shifting from side to side, visibly racking his brain trying to recall what happened at his place last week. “Oh! Wednesday! I was so drunk, bro. What happened?”

“Ugh. You don’t remember asking me to rank all of y’all from most to least my type?” Typical Jimin. Cause trouble then dip.

“What’d you rank me?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I ain’t doing this again.”

He dropped his legs from the footrest of the barstool, tugging her closer and wrapping an arm around her waist. “Mmm. You couldn’t handle me either way.”

She’s not gonna lie, her heart skipped a beat. But, that’s the only reason he did it in the first place. He knew it flustered her on some level. So, she decided to play along for once, bringing her hand up to toy with the hair that rested at the back of his neck. “Baby boy, I could make you cry,” she whispered seductively.

He made a face, then pushed her away turning his attention back to his cereal. “You’re gross.”

“You started it,” she accused, laughter bubbling up at his reaction. He was CEO of “Do as I say, not as I do.” Always in the mood to dish it out, but hardly able to take it in return.

“So, what’s going on? Why do I need to talk to him?”

“Because I told him he wasn’t my type, and now he’s trying to convince me that he is.”

He choked. “What?”

“He literally showed up at my work the other day and brought me lunch.”

“That was more so directed at you saying Jungkook isn’t your type.”

“He’s not.” He raised his eyebrows, smirking conspiratorially. “He isn’t,” she insisted.

“So, you didn’t used to drool over him when you two first met?”

“See why you gotta go and bring up the past.” She wouldn’t say that she had a full blown crush on him, she didn’t know him and therefore couldn’t actually like him, but for a minute she was down bad. She wasn’t expecting to meet him when she did. Jimin had wanted to hang out and asked for a ride. He was with Jungkook when she picked him up and she was effectively caught off guard. Before she even realized what she was doing, she was out of the car and shaking hands with him in greeting. The next few weeks were spent trying her hardest to be in his presence. She never said more than two words to the boy, but yeah she was down bad. Once her hormones subsided, though, they eventually developed a friendship. A friendship that needed to stay a friendship. “Besides, I never said he wasn’t hot. I’m saying our personalities don’t match up. It wouldn’t work.”

“You aren’t that different from each other.”

“Yeah, but we’re wrong in just the right ways. It wouldn’t work.” He was right in saying that weren’t all that dissimilar, but it was because of that that she was sure starting any kind of relationship with romantic intent would go up in flames. The two were like parallel lines. Never meant to cross. Adjacent, but never intersecting. As they should.

“It sounds to me like you’re just afraid of what could happen.”

“Hold on there partner. I didn’t come here to be lectured or psychoanalyzed. I don’t even think he likes me for real, but he’s heading down a slippery slope. I just want you to talk to him before he goes and starts something that’s gonna get his feelings hurt, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see what I can do.” One thing about Jimin was that he was nosy. Had absolutely zero qualms about getting all up in other people’s business. Knowledge equals power is what he always told himself. So, if she hadn’t come to him voluntarily offering up this information, he would’ve picked up on it sooner or later, inserting himself in the middle of it all. As it stands, he’s been giving explicit permission to do some digging. All he has to do is wait for the opportunity to arise.

The opportunity came a few days later. Jungkook was sitting on his couch, phone in hand, completely zoned out when Jimin pounced.

“So... Y/N?”

Jungkook startled at the mention of her name. It wasn’t like he was just thinking about her. He definitely wasn’t about to text her. He hadn’t spent the past minutes in a daze typing, deleting, and retyping messages to send. Nope. “Huh?”

“Y/N? What’s going on with you and her?” Jimin asked again.

“What do you mean? Nothing’s going on,” he feigned innocence, voice raising an octave. Even though, for all intents and purposes, there really wasn’t anything going on.

He looked him up and down, raising an eyebrow. “That’s not what she said.”

“What did she say?” She talked about him?

“You tell me.” He smirked sitting down, crossing one leg over the other like some kind of therapist.

“I don’t know. We had lunch,” he mumbled.

“Why?”

“Because I thought she might be hungry.”

“And this has nothing to do with the fact that she said you’re not her type?”

He blew raspberries into the air. He couldn’t lie to Jimin even if he tried. The man always managed to see right through him. A consequence of nearly ten years of friendship. “I’m just trying to get to know her better,” he insisted.

“Why?”

“Because she’s nice.” Which wasn’t the complete truth, but if he admitted that he thought she had stars in her eyes he’d never hear the end of it.

“She’s a lot more than nice, so you need to be careful.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that she’s one of the best people I know, but she’s stubborn and once she has an idea in her head it’s very hard for her to let go.”

“So you think I should stop?”

“I think you shouldn’t go into this blind, is all I’m saying. Whatever you’re doing, probably won’t be easy. And, I don’t want you to get hurt. Or hurt her. What do you plan on doing if you manage to make her like you? If you’re not serious then I think you should stop.” Jimin patted his shoulder, then got up leaving him to his thoughts.

Jungkook heard what he was saying. He did. And, he was right. He hadn’t been thinking too hard about what he was doing. Honestly, he was just following the skip in his heartbeat and so far that led him to her. There was a very real possibility of him getting his feelings hurt. She was very strong willed. Couldn’t budge her mind with a bulldozer. So, if she was dead set on being against this, there wasn’t much he could do anyway.

Still, this wasn’t something he could let go of easily. He had no intentions of hurting her. It wasn’t just some conquest for him. That much he was sure of. He would hate to get closer to her, have her catch feelings for him, then dip because he wasn’t feeling it. But, he seriously doubted that would happen. It’s not like they were complete strangers. He was just seeing her in a new light now. And as much as he didn’t want anyone to get hurt, at this point he didn’t know if this was something he should even avoid. It didn’t seem like it.

Truthfully, he didn’t feel this way often. This pull he now felt toward her. He was usually much too caught up in trying to be the best version of himself he could be to entertain thoughts of others. However, right now she had his attention and he didn’t want to look away. He opened his text thread with her typing and finally sending a message before he could overthink it.

[10:53pm] jk: lunch tomorrow?