#afraid to link it because tumblr ya know

[floralcavern]

All right I’m finally doing this.

Name’s Flora. I’m a straight woman. This is my side blog. I write fanfics on there. Or you can check out my AO3 account!

I’m 17 years old. I’m in a ton of fandoms, my main ones being The Song of Achilles, Percy Jackson, The Owl House, Wings of Fire, many different Webtoons, TBHK, and many others. I’m Catholic, so don’t talk shit about my religion to me, I’m so tired of it. From that one country where people eat way too unhealthy and likes freedom 👍 I am the embodiment of stressed and depressed, but well dressed. I really like writing and world building. If you wanna check out some of the stuff I’ve written, sort through the tags on my blog by putting in ‘Writers on Tumblr’ Here’s my Spotify account if you wanna check out my 200+ playlists:

I’m an Israel supporter and pro-Zionism. Sooo.. ya. I don’t give a shit what you think about me. But please know that this does not mean I do not care for the citizens of Palestine. The real threat is Hamas.

My opinion on the IDF (because it’s a lot more complex than you think)

HOLY SHIT PLEASE SEE THIS

Do you really know what it is you’re chanting?

Important

Important 2

Important 3 (extremely fucking important)

Important 4

Important 5

Important 6

Important 7

Important 8

Important 9

You guessed it. Important 10

Important 11

Important 12

Oh wow! Important 13!

Heartbreaking.

News on the hostages

Hamas doesn’t welcome Christians

Your antisemitism does hurt people

Fuck Hamas

ZIONISM. IS. SEXY.

They have security for a reason

Fuck UNRWA

Hamas’s war crimes

Al Jazeera is not credible

LET HER COOK

So much misinformation

Antizionism is antisemitism

Hostages

The side of everything that no one sees online

Your movement is turning into a death cult

Have it make sense

This is no where close to genocide

Israel has tried peace over and over again

But-But Israel hates Muslims!

I fucking swear, if I see one more person say the hostages were treated well, I will scream

I’m afraid ignorance is contagious

“The hostages said they were treated in well!” You are gullible as hell..

Y’all can support the existence of Palestine without being racist toward Israelis

This is war, not genocide. Also, Hamas are liars

Get your savior complex out of here and learn to hold people accountable

Free the hostages, holy crap.. (t/w for blood)

Confuse them in their own bullshit!

Ignorance.. ignorance everywhere

You’re actually harming your own cause

The casualty numbers are FAKE

It’s the appropriation of Jewish history for me

Oh wow. Al Jazeera. Lying? Who would’ve thought?

Hamas aren’t freedom fighters

Actually extremely interesting

This literally is a war, no matter how much you deny it

Wait until they learn they’re reciting KKK and Nazi propaganda

Hamas do. Not. Care. For the Palestinians

Experts, people who have studied this shit for years, agree that this is not a genocide

Palestinian origins

The reason Palestine hates Israel and Jews (surprise, surprise, it’s because of Hamas)

Palestinians are taught to hate Jews

Wait until you learn that those “Palestinian hostages” are prisoners who were arrested for horrendous crimes (t/w for description of torture)

What the fuck, oh my gosh, this is awful.

Fuck Hamas and fuck the UN

Other people providing links of info

Charities:

Free the hostages

Uyghur Muslims in China

[stellawolfe30]

How does one join a fandom space on here? Asking cause I'm not very good at socializing, I mean I reblog but most of my commentary is in the tags cause I don't want to be rude. I want to start creating stuff but I don't know if it's going to be any good. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to

So heres how tumblr works ,theres no algorithm.

actually well there is. You.

you make your space, to join a fandom space you follow people, you reblog things. its a community where we pass things from one person to the other. you look through notes of other posts to find accounts that reblog alot.

some people dont reblog alot and some people do, this main account of mine here is a reblog account. i reblog a bunhc of stuff all the time. it helps push posts (especially posts that took alot of hard working making like art,writing videos stuff like that)

Reblogs>likes isnt entirely true. people say seeing more likes then reblogsis disheartening but onlt because the reblog button is the algorithm. the like button is nice and everything but the reblog button is what pushes posts through this site. so even if u dont have any comments to add in the tags pressing that reblog button doesnt hurt either

comments in the tags are in my opinion the best way to send ur opinion on something, there are comments under a post as well in the notes but adding commentary on the post as well isnt rude actually. i'd say. when you have something to add to the conversation add ur own post below it if its compliments then the tags are best for that.

then again im sure youve heard all about that from other tumblr users

its also interacting with people outside of reblogs and likes. likes asks. exactly what ur doing here, asks are imo the best thing on tumblr, i like sending and recieving them. its a fun way to interact with creators on here and sometimes you make some really cool friends. hell i adopted like three brothers on here bc i kept sending em asks and then they stormed into my dm's *cough* Kai-sand *cough*

regarding your content.

GO FOR IT.

post it, i bet you anything someone on here is going to like it. just dont look at the numbers. ignore them. tumblr is slowbc theres no algorithm and its hard for blogs with no followers to gain followers and activity on ur blog.

but once people start rebloggging ur stuff its spread with thier followers and then more ppl see it.

so your blog might stat off slow not bc ur content isnt good but bc tumblr is slow for new blogs. hell even my blogs get slow from time to time.

so go for it man! im sure your content is great and if anything it will improve as time goes on, just dont focus on numbers too much. its nice to see people like it but dont make that ur main focus. make it bc your passionate about it and want to make it. my entire lmk (lego monkie kid) blog is stuff i made for myself and decided to post. people just happened to like it :)

anyways yeah, dont be afraid to reblog, send asks, or post your content. you never know whats gonna happen. i certainly never guessed id make a bunch of friends just through a bunch of asks or fanart i made for them (this doesnt always happen)

sooooooooo yeah, have fun, interact with people. especially creatives. also make sure to look for FAQ links in thier blogs. for boundries cause some ppl might not be looking for friends.

let it happen, dont force it.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand yeah thats all i got for ya.

the fandom space you choose is curated by you, so use the tools tumblr gives you and make it. also if u like a specific topic you can find the tags in the post like for example i like lego monkie kid.

I find a post with lego monkie kid in it and look through the tags. then click on #lego monkie kid.

that takes you to a page with ALL kinds of lmk content tagged with that and then on the right side you can choose the option to follow that tag and then tumblr will show u stuff from that tag from time to time. you can follow as many as you want.

there ya go all my knowledge for tumblr fandoms. and remember to have fun!

[scriptlesssnake]

Introduction  • TW : British /hj

New to tumblr so I figure it only fair to give a small intro since ya'll can't see most my content yet and I'm not very used to this platform.

About Me

I go by he / him pronouns as a primary but accept stuff like it and neos. I'm 18 and a messy artist at heart that can't focus for more than 30m on a piece before wanting to scribble up the damn walls. Oh- and also I'm british. Horrifying, I know. /lh

I accept and comfortably use tone tags so don't be afraid to communicate that with me and whilst most my art will have a set background should you want a clear copy I can supply one no questions asked within reason (some commission pieces I cannot).

Posts

What you may see me posting : Furry Comics LGBTQ+ Warrior Cats Primarily this will be in artwork form but there's a few I'd like to diversify on that link very much to who I am... Starting with 'LGBTQ+' to be a tad more private about my life I won't go in-depth but my pronouns are he / it and I'm accepting of neos and whatever so long as ya ain't hurtin' nobody. I'm always open ta learn but please use tone tags to educate me since sometimes I can't tell if its a joke or serious. Then comics, I'm a huge fan and it breaks my heart to see all the damn clutter with webtoons, this and that and platforms I'm passionate in but I guess that's what I'm stuck with. I am working on a few comics I'll give some bios for below but they are my passion with my main genres being action, thriller, comedy and some romance as a side genre.

WIP Comics

Many of these don't currently have 'set' titles but I'll only list those that currently are probable ideas that I can accomplish. I will list them in vague prompt like forms because- I'm horrible at not spoiling so that's the best I can do.

Disabled bully takes out his anger on everyone around him and begins sneaking out at night to talk with a cat who tries to help him become a better person. The world begins to merge with another, trapping a queer couple at the epicentre with the government close on their heels.

The second prompt is actually a collaborative effort between myself and a friend and hence will also have a big focus on romance alongside the intrigue. I also hope to include some polyamorous representation as it progresses but don't let him know I told ya ;))

(My collaborator uses he/they pronouns please respect this should you refer to him, I will simply title him 'Bunny' for now.)

Thanks for reading this far, have a good one and feel free ta interact and tell me how to use here cuz I'm right daft ^-^

[theory-chicken]

Debut Trailer 1: Choose-Chosen

For some reason tumblr has an image limit on posts (?) so i will be linking all the images

I know it sucks and is annoying but i don't want to make multiple parts for all the different pictures i want to use

We were desperate in our desire to transform.

Into vampires?

Its shown in the children of Vamfield webtoon that they didn't know they were vampires when they were being raised in the orphanage but once they found out they wanted to use their powers and become more powerful

This could also mean they just want to succeed irl but whatever lmao

We believed that there lay dreams unknown.

Because every path is stained with tears.

We keep our fists fiercely clenched,

Nothing to say lol (*´ ˘ `*)

not knowing it to be a blessing or a curse,

AYY BLESSED-CURSED

That's all

lest we loose what we hold in our hands

They are afraid of loosing something?

This line + two previous say they are holding onto something because they are afraid to loose it

What? I honestly have no idea \_(._.)_/

Blood-red moonlight blazes

🤔

Why red? [Images]

Unquenchable thirst flares with fury.

*sighs*

*cracks knuckles*

The unquenchable thirst is obviously for blood bc ya know vAmPiReS

Assuming the "flares with fury" means they suddenly have bloodlust and not that it only comes up when there mad it follows children of Vamfield again [Images]

When jungwon (jakah) is accidentally cut they go vampire mode

The others look up to us in veneration

Veneration:noun; great respect; reverence. "the traditional veneration of saints"

🧐🤔

Who's looking up to them?

As far as we know there the only vampires that are "human like" if that's what you would call it

and we look upon them with envy.

The others look up to them, they envy the others

Who are the others?

Normal people?

Why do we desire what we cannot aquire?

Ohoo got a little rhyming going on there i see

Okay but so many questions

What do they desire?

WHO ARE THE OTHERS?

Why must we walk along an endless line?

Oh boy

Here comes all the walk the line and manifesto stuff

Many of their intros and outros talk about this "line" that they are forced to walk on

I always think of it as the social norms and them wanting to break out of it to create their own "line"

This most likely is relating to their irl thing where they want to connect with engenes and forge their own path

But im not sure what it has to do with lore?

It does show up later in the outro for day one and in manifesto but im not sure what its significance is

Maybe its a sign there switching worlds or something because im like 91.3% sure carnival takes place in some sort of a flipped world

Idk tho tell me your thoughts i guess

At dawn, the sun rises to menace and bless our fleshy selves.

Hmmmm...

Well we know they can be in the sun...

Or can they? [Images]

This still confuses me lmao because i was pretty sure they could go out in the sun?

Well i hope your ready for the actual video part of this because that was just the words part😀

(im not going crazy thinking about doing this for every song)

(definitely)

Throughout the whole thing there's words on the screen that have a hyphen connecting them

I think this is alluding to their later comebacks with hyphens ex: drunk-dazed, blessed-cursed, tamed-dashed

Some of them, like drunk-dazed, are synonyms or just go together well

Others, like blessed-cursed, dont

Trainee-Artist

Failure-Success

Im guessing this is just irl stuff

Given-Taken

Yey our first thing we know *applause*

Blood-Light

...

And it suddenly takes a dark turn

Us-The Others

Again, not a clue who the others are but we do know they are the opposites of eachother

Mortal-Immortal

🤔

If your wondering why this sounds familiar its bc they have a song called mortal on orange blood

Is this a hint to a new song?

Probably not

😔

These words also align with the words jake is saying btw.

There's a lot of shots of forest or just trees in general and i don't know if they were just going for effect but i think the only other time a forest appears in their mvs is in tamed-dashed bc they come out of it

Also the orphanage where they were raised was surrounded by a forest which might have been the one they come out of in tamed-dashed but idk

There's so much more going on now that we have the new webtoon😭 (everybody say thank you to hybe)

Anyways i have one more thing to say because it caught my eye

At 0:25-0:28 there's this shot of a hand and it looks so familiar but for the life of me i cannot figure out why😭

I have a hunch i remembered it from dark blood era but i watched the trailer and i couldn't find anything

If anyone else thinks it looks familiar PLEASE tell me where you think its from because i cant be the only one ;･_･)

This took an obnoxiously long time...

Likes, comments, and reblogs are much appreciated ⌯' ▾ '⌯

[bubsub69]

Entry 1

entries 1-13 were written pre-tumblr

12/05/2023 4:08

4am what better time to start a diary, who knew waking up for 9am classes and then at noon on the next day and then 9am etc could fuck up your sleep schedule.

But yeah… why start a secret encrypted diary now? the first one i've ever made? idk, im just tired and afraid and sick of being lonely and touch starved and all the other stuff

Definetely didnt help to scroll through r/niceguys and seeing the I'm 21 kissless virgin that was bullied and ignored by girls that isnt sexist and racist and doesnt do drugs and thinking wow its literally me and then it being followed by females owe me sex the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/12n0m5q/ngvc_im_not_a_sexist_but_females_owe_me_sex/

cause you know… what if i become like this, what if i become an even bigger nuisance than i already am and/or fuck up my chances of ever finding someone, it's especially worrysome that i felt bad for some of the guys, you know simpathizing with the kind of people that call women whores for not wanting the nice guy, cant believe i went to the subreddit because of the omoriboy soy parody (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahPdX90_6jg).

And then there's the someone i found ish just gonna call her D She replied to my post on the femdompersonals subreddit and it was pretty close to love at first sight, but probably very one sided, i mean shit she was now moving from the us to porto what better luck could i want. But she's been very busy, especially with the moving, it took from her texting me on the 26 of april to the 7th of may just to have a 1 hour call.

And boy that call was something, i literally think it was the only time i was genuinely happy in like.. i dunno a month? a year? more? i couldnt even sleep that night, i really needed that call cause i thought she was just fucking with me at that point, you know pretending to be interested and catfishing me for something but no i got a 1 hour call and she even showed me her face at the end, i was kinda expecting something sexual but no it was just getting to know each other which is fine for a first call, she's a really cool and interesting girl, i did think it was weird she just went to walk her dog mid conversation but i guess its something that cant wait, it probably had to pee as well.. maybe it was actually nice of her not to hang up on the call while she was walking the dog.

But yeah i'm kind of back at square one, shes not busy with moving but she has a million hobbies apparenly that she balances with her work and learning a new language and all that stuff, shes had a non specified workshop and a ceramics class as excuses which.. yeah im doubting if shes actually doing, i even commented wow you have a lot of hobbies which i was scared of doing cause i didnt want to imply shes lying even if i have the gut feeling she is, and it makes me feel awful to not trust her, but honestly i think i'd be fine with all that if she just put some initiative in texting, literally the only time she texted first was for a link to a game that she didnt even comment on, really makes ya wonder is she doing some 'woman games™' or just fucking with me or just seeing how far she can push me.. fuck i am becoming an incel, cause you know its the classic i have a life outside of you, you cant just expect me to make time for you everyday but fuck maybe the first call was a bad ideia cause now i just crave more, i seriously think theres some potential here but not if she doesnt have time for me, which im obviously not entitled to but ofc i still want it.

im just so scared of texting her, if i do it too often i might annoy her, if i dont do it enough she might forget about me.. i dont even know whats worse, i tried texting every other day but that also seems like too much, i dunno do i just wait for her to text me and make a call appoinment, it also kind of doesnt help i dont even know her name or age, granted she doesnt know my name either but yeah its another layer of anonymity that i want to get rid of, maybe i should try on the weekend, its when we had the call and she might have time, we'll see

She did kind of mention meeting up one day, dont know if she was just being nice of something, but i just wish i knew how she feels about me, or just get some advice with texting her, i dont want to be disingenuous either and write what someone else tells me to, how do i balance being needy and not annoying.

and theres also the voice.. i'm honestly starting to worry im losing control to the self degrading voice i have inside me, that thing is real mean, its whats making me distrust her and shit, i even thought i 'defeated' it with the call but it just came back same as before. The youre useless and an annoyance and all those thoughts are kind of starting to worry me a bit, especially since the suicide thoughts are becoming a bit too common, im still far from it, im too scared to do it, but the first step of commiting suicide is having the reason to do it, and i also think im kind of becoming a psycopath, not in the edgy way its just ive become so apathetic lately, the 'mom would be sad' strategy doesnt work at all cause im so sick of her, between being annoying and not trusting me and being dumb and the shit she did to my cousin and kind of being blamed cause shes getting unknown disease cause of stress, ive kind of grown to hate her a bit i did cry a bit when i got my cousin's graduation ribbon (its a thing here, you write shit like good job and good luck), reading the only ribbon that i got that wasnt just generic garbage made me tear up a bit, not immediately just when i got home, and it didnt help when she hugged me and said if you ever leave pls take me with you, so yeah maybe im not apathetic i just hate my mother

There's also my cat, im kind of getting… idk sick of him too angry, it just feels like he doesnt like me sometimes, which is absurd he comes to greet me and only me when i arrive and hes actually been sleeping a bit with me tonight and yesterday, but the biting when i pet him is really annoying.. what am i saying its just cat stuff its normal. I am feeling kinda weird when i pet him and think damn i wish i was the one being petted (not by him ofc), you know just lying on girls lap and being petted, r/cuddle_slut really made me realize how fucking touch starved i am.

Or maybe i should just move on from her.. maybe she doesnt want that kind of relationship, i really dont want to start talking to someone else while im talking with her tough, feels real scummy, i kind of did that with someone on skype, i had a couple of sessions with her but she kind of stopped texting me as i was talking to D which was lucky, but in those sessions i had full video on and she didnt even use her voice so i guess its kind of fair, she was also the one that took the initiative texting so who knows maybe shes doing what im planning on doing, letting her text first which didnt really work out for her cause i didnt and now our last message is from the 28th. typing this really discouraged me from the let her text first and see what happens strategy, i guess ill settle for trying on the weekend tough this saturday i have the ribbon party so hopefully i have time and energy to call her

Maybe ill just try some keyholding, just to do something sexual that isnt just showing my junk and locking it or putting my finger in my ass for the skype girl, but the problem with keyholding is that it might take some time.. what if while im locked D wants to do something and i reveal i've been """unfaithfull""" i think im gonna wait a bit more for her i really want things to work out with her she just seems like a really cool person but im worried im too much of a loser for her, the very busy woman who managed commitees has a million hobbies and her boyfriend who's a stay at home gamer

I guess that's it for first entry, hopefully when I'm rereading this im in a better state, or maybe im showing this to my therapist or hey maybe even D or whatever her name is, overall not bad for a first diary entry i think, i got to rant a bit even if it was just on a keyboard, i think im gonna start writing here a bit, some non sad stuff as well hopefully

maybe ill dump this on some ai text and see what happens (garbage pretty much)

See you on entry 2 i guess.

PS wow its 5:15 was not expecting to spend an hour writing this

[melypeira]

An Ace Attorney Musical Fanart 

HONESTLY GO WATCH THAT, it's amazing. On youtube "Phoenix Wright the Musical" by Random Encounters. BONUS:

[starksdaughter-3000]

Dark!Mob!Thor x Pregnant!Reader Future and Slight Loki x Pregnant!Reader

Warnings~ 18+, Dark, Angst, Language, Attempt of Seducing(?), Choking (Non-sexual), Abuse, Violence, This shit is deep y'all

A/N: Hiiiiii I'm backkk! Thanks for all the love on the last one so here's one I just came up with. I was just brainstorming ideas ngl. Another thing I am new to Tumblr, I found it in the middle of March and I don't know how to like link a part 2 ya know. Cuz I want this story to have a part 2 so I will figure it out lol. Enjoy!

*Not my GIF*

Ever since you met the mobster he was sweet and gentle with you. So caring, nothing lime how he is to his enemies. For a year Thor has been the same person you met and more but now it felt like him and his feelings are drifting away.

You found out you were pregnant two weeks ago but Thor hasn’t given you the time of day so you could sit him down and tell him. Claiming he was busy with work. It has also been awhile since the two of you had sex. You thought to yourself that maybe he was stressed, drowning in work and all. So you decided to try and help him out.

Knocking on the door twice you immediately here a ‘Come in.’ from and deep grumpy voice that was obviously Thor’s. You turned the door knob and stepped inside seeing Thor’s head buried in papers stacked up on top of his desk. You sigh quietly shutting the door and gliding closer to his desk.

“Speak, don’t waste my time.” You gulped. “Hi baby.”

“What Y/n, can’t you see I’m busy now.”

“Thor you seem to be under a lot of stress now baby I would just like to help you out.” You purr.

“Y/n how would you help me? You don’t know anything about the Mob.” He raises his voice.

“Look if you have no real reason to be in here then leave.” By now you notice he is running quickly out of patients. You are almost in his eye sight on the side of his desk now. Grazing your finger tips along important stacks of papers.

You chuckle lightly. “No Thor not like that. Just let me finish telling you bub. Can you look at me, please?”

He sighs and turns his chair towards you. He frowns even more. Your body covered in lacey red lingerie, leaving little to the imagination. Showing off all your curves and imperfections. You can still fit your clothes due to you baby bump not showing because it is still early in the pregnancy.

“Come on honey, taking a break let me help you relax.” You move forward straddling his lap. Fingers running through his long locks of beautiful blonde hair.

He rolls his eyes, which is a surprise to you and makes you frown.

“Y/n I don’t have the time for this!” This time he yells and this action makes you flinch so you immediately stand up with your head down staring at your bare feet.

“I’m sor-” He cuts you off. “No don’t you fucking get it woman! I don’t want your company. Leave me to do my work so I can give you a better life. I pay for all the shit you have and you can’t even let me do my job! Get the hell out now!”

You’re shocked, he has never used that tone with you or those choice of words. It felt like he was treating you as if you worked for him. You’re his girlfriend not just some anybody that he could raise his voice to.

You knew what you were about to say would possibly hurt his ego or yourself, but he needed to be brought down a peg or two.

“Why are you yelling at me like I did something wrong! What crawled up your ass and died? You selfish prick! I was trying to do something nice for you to get you out of this hell-hole you put yourself in! ASSHOLE!”

As soon as you were finished he bolted out of his chair and wrapped his hand around your neck slamming your back against the wall behind you. You couldn’t believe what was happening and your body went into panic as his grip hot tighter the more you struggled. All you could think about was if he was going to kill you or not, if you were going to get out of here alive and about your unborn baby.

“P-please no.”

“How dare you speak those words to me. DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM BITCH!? I AM THE KING OF THE MOB, I COULD HAVE YOU DEAD AT THE SNAP OF MY FINGER!”

He let you drop to the ground, coughing and gasping for air. Tears rolling down your eyes, devastated and defeated you tried to stand up but was kicked down in the back by a furiated Thor.

“By midnight I want you and all your shit put out my house. You’re lucky I’m letting you keep it. Now scram.”

Your heart broke in millions of pieces on the spot from when he first raised his voice at you. It was hard getting off the floor but even harder to accept that the father of your unborn child has kicked you out of the house and even had the audacity to put his hands on you like he said he never would. That empty promise you should've known it was all a lie. You should have never given him a chance. All of those talks about your future together was bullshit. All of the talks about you being his wife one day bullshit. And to tie it all together the talks about starting a family together was absolute bull-fucking-shit.

Bursting through the room you shared with him bought back all of the sweet memories of the love making, when one of you were sick in bed and the other took care of them, the cuddles, the arguments, the playful fighting, the empty promises, the crying, the laughter. It all hit you at once it made you drop to your knees sobbing into your palms confused.

What made him not love you anymore? What made him put his hands on you? What made him tip over the edge to lash out on you like that? Where would you go? Who would you call?

You were so stressed out with questions and overwhelming feelings you had to remember that you were pregnant and had to convince yourself to calm down. Fifteen minutes of deep breaths you gathered yourself and got your composure back to normal.

Jeans and a sweatshirt was what you slipped on. Pulling out two suitcases from under the bed you started packing. Looking at the time it was 11:39pm so you closed the suitcases and zipped up duffle bags. Heading downstairs you saw your good friend Heimdall reaching for your hand to help you down the last step.

“May I take that from you Ms.Y/l/n?” You sighed handing them to him knowing that he would have gotten it anyway.

He frowned noticing your pained expression. Your back starting to hurt now.

“Y/n are you alright? You seem to be in pain.”

“N-no I’m fine I just need to go.”

“Are you going on a trip? Why so many bags?”

You sighed at the reminder.

“No Heimdall I won’t be back, thank you for doing for me and being a wonderful friend but I’m afraid that it is my time for a new chapter in my life. Please do not ask any questions I do not feel like speaking on it at the moment.” Heimdall nodded respecting your wishes as he escorted you to your car.

“Thank you Heimdall.” You whisper quietly. “Farwell and no, thank you.” You had no idea how much he appreciated you for coming into Thor’s life and opening your heart to him to show and teach Thor how to love and care. You truly did turn Thor’s life around and it showed.

You pulled him in for a hug as you climbed into the drivers seat. Unsure of where to go. You pulled out of the driveway of the mansion. Once you were on the road you had no idea who to call, you gave up your family and friends for Thor. So you called the only person you knew would take you in.

Loki.

[mimik-u]

Togetherness

Summary: The aftermath of Steven transforming into a huge reptilian monster brings back old memories for Pearl, who remembers another time Steven was scared so many years ago.

A/N: This piece was written for the Pearl-focused I am a Pearl! mini-zine a couple of months ago! It was a great opportunity to get to explore Pearl's mind space after the events of "I am My Monster" and how her friendship with Greg has evolved over the years. ;w; Thanks to the mods for a great zine experience! <3

AO3 Link / Zine Tumblr Link / @iamapearlzine

—

Steven is sixteen years old when he erupts into a scaly, pink monster—fifty-foot tall and inconsolable.

Everyone tells him that they love him, but because words are rarely ever enough, they show him that they do; they embrace him; they hold him; they press their fingertips into his reptilian skin. His scales are cold and sharp against Pearl’s palms, keratin hard and impenetrable. She tells him that he shouldn’t have to keep anything from her, all the while burning with shame that he’s kept so much from her.

He’s felt responsible for her fragility and loved her enough to tiptoe around the Diamond in the room.

His mother.

His mother and the complicated history between them.

The love.

The torture.

The grief.

The love.

(Because what is grief after all but a manifestation of love? A reminder, its echo, and its painful, lingering, lovely ghost.)

Connie kisses Steven, very lightly, very softly, and he falls from the sky, a boy again. 

Pearl wraps him in a blanket.

Garnet carries him into the wreckage of their home.

And approximately one hour later, they’re all standing on the deck, waiting for Priyanka Maheswaran to finish her professional assessment of him as the sun sinks into a honey-colored sea.

Pearl cradles her face in her hands, elbows sinking into the railing, trying to retrace every missed sign in the blackness of her own head. She sees his skin glowing pink in the darkness—at the Reef, in Little Homeworld, just moments ago in the living room…

So many flares in the night.

And Pearl had watched them all fizzle.

—

Steven is six years old when he moves into the newly minted beach house, and he tells Greg that he’s afraid of the silence. Nearly all of his life, he’s been surrounded by noise—the gentle rumble of the van’s motor, the susurrant murmur of the sea, wind, rain, buskers playing guitars on the Boardwalk, the whoosh of the rollercoasters at Funland. 

His dad’s snores echoing off the tin ceiling.

His dad’s laughter.

His softly-sung lullabies, too.

The beach house is really quiet at night, Steven tells Greg who tells the Gems, and he doesn’t like that…

He’s trying really hard to like it, though.

Maybe things’ll get better next week.

Pearl never looks at Greg as he delivers this news, tapping her fingers against the side of her leg as she sits at the kitchen table, ankles primly crossed. He stands in the doorway—right beneath Rose’s painted image—wringing his hands and looking too awkward to be allowed. She resents him for this—for his awkwardness, for his intrusion into their lives, and for everything else, too. 

(Namely for Rose.)

She inwardly knows that she’s being unfair. 

That loathing a person on the basis of his existence is morally suspect.

Wrong.

But what are rightness and wrongness to emotions? To the sheer primality of grief?

Grief is irrational, she rationalizes to herself—she self-justifies; it knows nothing of ethicality.

“Why didn’t Steman tell us this?” Amethyst asks, absently scratching her nose. “If it’s noise he wants, I got an old drum set he can knock himself out on.”

Pearl frowns, well-remembering the ten straight years Amethyst played the drums through the nineties. Rose loved it; Pearl spent many hours alone in her room to decompress. 

“He’s still intimidated by you three,” Greg shrugs kindly. “And shy. You just have to give him reason enough to trust ya with stuff like this. Tucking him in at bed at night, y’know. Checking under the bed for monsters.”

“There aren’t monsters under his bed,” Garnet says, practical as ever. “They wouldn’t fit.”

Greg chuckles, running a flat hand across the back of his neck as he peers between the three gems. When he and Pearl lock eyes, she meets his stare coldly, her mouth pressed into a thin line.

“But Steven doesn’t know that,” he mumbles, glancing away, his cheeks flushing. “You gotta shine a flashlight down there and show him there’s nothing there.”

“Doesn’t that seem patronizing to you?” Pearl asks, taking little care to disguise the condescension in her voice. Across the room, Garnet’s visored stare finds her—blank, inscrutable, and arcane—but Pearl knows her fellow gem well enough to understand that this is chastisement, silent and brutal.

Arching a thin brow, she ignores Garnet.

She demands an answer from Greg.

“Maybe,” the man concedes, but when he acknowledges her gaze again, there’s a little defiance in his eyes, an edge in his scratchy voice. “But maybe not. That’s what being a parent is sometimes. Patronizing the kid! Playing along. Showing him that you’re listening to what he needs. Letting him know that you’re there… haven’t you ever been afraid before, Pearl?”

“No,” she protests immediately, bristling.

“Pssh,” Amethyst snorts. “Last week, you jumped ten feet in the air ‘cuz you saw a snake.”

“You did,” Garnet smiles wryly. “I was there.”

Pearl scoffs, trying and failing to ignore that her cheeks are suffused with blue blush…

… and that Greg is staring at her with an almost distinguishable emotion in his eyes.

If she didn’t know better, she would say it was pity.

—

Dr. Maheswaran tells them that Steven is okay; he’s tired and sore—transforming expended a lot of his energy—but he’s ready to see everyone now. She tells them to be quiet and to maybe go in one by one, so he doesn’t get too overwhelmed.

Firmly, she warns them that it’ll take more than a good night’s sleep for him to heal .

And she doesn’t mean physically.

“Here’s a number of a good therapist I know,” she says, placing a card in Pearl’s hand. “Her office opens at nine.”

Pearl folds her fingertips over the edges of the glossy card stock but doesn’t quite glance down to look at the name—too fixated on watching Greg stand in front of the doorway, palming the screen door as he seemingly steels himself to go in. 

He’s aged so much in the twenty-something years that Pearl has known him—from his nearly bald head to the branching lines creasing the corners of his eyes—but for some reason, it is only now, in this ephemeral moment, that she realizes how old he is.

She doesn’t mean physically either.

As the others gather around Dr. Maheswaran, asking her questions, voicing their concerns, Pearl takes one deliberate step and then another.

—

Garnet tells Steven that it’s okay—there are no monsters under the bed—and when she shines a flashlight beneath the mattress, Amethyst is there, shapeshifted into a tiny kitten, purring at the child sweetly.

“See, dude?” She laughs, bounding out from beneath the bed. In an instant of blurred matter and color, she becomes herself again, her bangs sweeping inelegantly over her eye. “No monsters under the bed, only cute kittens.”

“Only kittens?” He repeats, grinning that famous gap-toothed smile that everyone adores. His legs are nearly swallowed by his oversized shirt.

“Kittens and dust bunnies,” Amethyst confirms, knuckling his curls playfully and smiling broadly when he laughs. “G’night, Steman.”

“Night, Amethyst!”

“Goodnight, Steven,” Garnet murmurs, lifting the six-year old into her arms and gently placing him onto the bed. She tucks him beneath the covers. She tenderly kisses him on the head.

“Nighty night, Garnet.”

And then it’s Pearl’s turn. Garnet and Amethyst head towards their temple rooms, and Pearl settles down on the edge of the comforter, balancing her left ankle on top of her right knee.

“Don’t forget about M.C. Bear Bear!” She teases softly, reaching over and placing the stuffed animal next to Steven’s arm. “He needs a snuggle buddy.”

Steven nods in agreement, his brow furrowed seriously over his eyes.

“Yep,” he says importantly. “I’ll be sure to hug him tight.”

“Excellent,” she says primly.

“Excellent,” he echoes playfully.

She lightly skims her knuckles across his soft cheek, smiling when he giggles a little, always ticklish…

… but then, when she withdraws her hand, letting it fall away from his face, the moment that immediately follows is quiet.

Too much so.

So quiet that Pearl can hear the softness of Steven’s breath, quiet enough that Greg’s words from earlier haunt her in the absence of noise.

Haven’t you ever been afraid before, Pearl?

Contrary to what Garnet and Amethyst may believe, she isn’t afraid of snakes —pestilent creatures though they are.

She’s surprised by snakes.

And afraid of much bigger things—five-thousand-year old secrets and equally ancient insecurities, for instance.

Six thousand years ago, after all, she was coded to believe that her highest order in life was to be a slave.

And sometimes—if only sometimes—she fears that her weaknesses were ingrained then, in the very moment she emerged from a shell and was called a pearl

One of so many.

Disposable.

Programmable.

Objectified.

Sometimes, she barely knows what it means to be herself, much less what it means to be a parent .

Indeed, Greg Universe of all people seems to have the idea down better than she ever could.

So, yes, Greg, she is afraid.

(Afraid of failing Steven.)

(Terrified that she’s already failed her. )

Patronize him, Greg suggested.

Play with him.

Show him that you’re listening.

Let him know that you’re there.

—

“Greg?”

Pearl places a light hand on Greg’s arm, startling him from his trance as he turns around to face her.

“Pearl!” He exhales, his breath coming in short bursts. “Y’scared me!”

“I’m sorry,” she says sincerely, not quite moving her hand away yet. His skin is warm beneath her fingertips, soft like wave-washed sand. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Yes,” he returns immediately, and then—taking one look at her imperiously raised brow—just as quickly rectifies himself. “No. I don’t know. I’m freakin’ terrified, Pearl. I feel like a failure of a parent. I don’t know what to tell him. But I gotta go in there anyway.”

He says it all very rapidly, as though he’s talking to himself.

Encouraging himself.

And putting himself down to do it.

“I’m his dad,” he concludes, his voice breaking, tears standing in his dark eyes. “I’m his dad, and I didn’t… I wasn’t there for him, and I should have—“

“ Shh, ” Pearl cuts across him gently, patting his arm as tears threaten to slide down her own face. “Shh. There are so many hypothetical should haves that we’ll all have to face soon when it comes to Steven. But not today, Greg .”

With her free hand, she conjures a tissue from her gem and hands it to him, unflinching and kind, even when he needs to wipe his nose.

“Today,” she murmurs, her voice inhibited, a hundred emotions thick, “we just let him know that we’re here.”

—

“Pearl?” Steven asks.

Pearl blinks rapidly, coming back to herself; she’d been lost in her own thoughts, nearly consumed.

“Hey,” she smiles, placing her hand on top of Steven’s own. His skin is so warm and soft; she absently wonders if her alienness feels sharp to him… hard… cold… “Here’s an idea—how about I sing you a lullaby before you go to sleep?”

“You know how to sing?” Steven’s eyes widen incredulously, his mouth shaping itself into a delighted smile.

“Don’t look so surprised,” she laughs playfully. “When we were younger, your mother and I used to sing all the time—hymns from our home planet and the like…”

A pause, infinitesimal, hesitant. 

“...I could sing one for you if you’d like?”

“You could?” The child dares to be hopeful; the very emotion shapes the pitch of his question, the light in his eyes.

He has his mother’s eyes.

Dark and full of stars.

“I could,” Pearl repeats. “I’d sing as long as you wanted me to.”

“How about fooooorever?” 

“Let’s just start with until you fall asleep,” Pearl laughs. “That’s a part of forever, yes? This moment?”

“If you say so, Pearl,” he wrinkles his nose skeptically.

“I know so, Steven.”

As she sings him to sleep in her mother tongue, Pearl admits that this must be something that Greg knows, too.

The importance of hereness to a child.

Togetherness on scary nights.

[bukunmiakintola20]

2 week break + Big blog announcement

Hey cuties, did ya miss me (=｀ω´=)

After my 2nd last post about the drama I got into before the break, I was pretty emotionally/mentally exhausted so I went back to Canada and just took a break from everything. Sorry for the lack in posts ヾ(。￣_￣)ﾂ

During the first week I didn’t do too much studying and just kinda relaxed which I very much needed. I watched some shows and movies I wanted to watch and caught up with some friends which was great for me （´υ｀）

Noteworthy watches for me was The Batman, Love and Leashes, and Kotaro lives alone. I could go on and talk about what I enjoyed in detail, but knowing my film nerd self, I’d write like a long paragraph for each and that would make this a different kind of blog www. So I’ll just give the boiled down thoughts for each.

The Batman felt like a real portrayal of Batman, Gotham, and even the villains in it. I really liked the character of the riddler and Batman as it seemed almost eerily realistic and terrifying at points. It also really stroked my film nerd brain.

I kinda just watched Love and Leashes because it popular (and it stars SNSD’s maknae 🥳) and I actually really liked it. I was a bit afraid at the end about it being rushed to resolve the conflict but the pacing was good at least overall.

Kotaro lives alone just made me wanna root for Kotaro with each episode and he was also strangely insightful/inspiring about so many ig “adult” situations. In that way it kind of gave me some fruit basket vibes if you get the gist. It’s pretty good for a nice short heartwarming watch.👍

I also got an interview for a job I applied for at Johnson & Johnson which was exciting and nerve-wracking. I think I did okay, but I’m not sure if I really secured the job… (￣ー￣； Fingers crossed I get that job because I reallyyyyy would like to work there (人・ェ・) For now I’m just waiting to hear back from them so… yeah.

The second week I kinda had to start studying (yeah I know 🙄 no one saw that coming) and I think I’m pretty on track although I kinda have to push for the remainder of the break. In fact I had to take notes on my plane ride back to Ireland today and write part of this blog too🥲 The woes of being a student huh (≖͞_≖̥)

Anyways, it time for the announcement which is…

that…

I am moving to blogger 🥳

At first I was kinda in a dilemma where I could just move completely or stop posting here or continue blogging here and on blogger before moving completely. I’ve decided to choose the second option. Also this allows me to “drive traffic” to my new blog which is like a pretty great bonus 🌝 So for all of you shouting “what’s the new blog link?” it is

https://solaakintola22.blogspot.com/?m=1

Pretty isn’t it 🤩 It took me a bit to customize in a way that not only satisfied my eyes but is also a reflection of my gal style 😎 I also learned some coding in the process so only pros here really 😆 I reallyyyy hope that y’all will give my new blog a visit and maybe even follow me if you want to continue to supporting me. I will probably always be a level of somewhat active on tumblr, even when I completely move to blogger so yeah 💞 Anyways that’s all for now. Gotta go study. Yay 😬

じゃない♥︎

[donutloverxo]

Secret

Kinktober day 10 - Nipple piercings

Summary - Steve is tired of waiting. You reveal your dirty secret to him.

Warnings - 18+ smut(m/f), nipple piercings on the reader.

Pairing - Steve Rogers x reader

Word count - 1253

Masterlist is linked in the bio!

Usually Steve didn’t look forward to going back to his lonely Brooklyn brownstone. He wanted to keep working, to keep himself occupied so his mind wouldn’t go to dark places or deal with the myriad of problems he actively tried to avoid.

But now, after being away from you for a month, he literally couldn’t think of anything better than to just go home and hold you close to him as he falls asleep, surrounded by your soothing scent and soft body.

He loved the safe home you provided him with your mere presence. You were so unmarred by the darkness this whole world seemed to possess. His light at the end of the tunnel. So wholesome and adorable.

When he told you he’d be back that evening you so eagerly promised you’d wait for him and let yourself into his apartment by using the key he gave you. You sweetly told him that you’d have a hot meal ready for him and suggestively offered to give him a nice massage to unwind.

“Hey, doll?” he called out to you as he tossed his jacket on the back of his couch.

He walked in on you panicking in his kitchen over a burnt chicken. He laughed shaking his head, he certainly wasn’t with you for your cooking skills.

You gasped as soon as you looked up at him. “Shit! I mean no – I don’t curse – Steve I was just uh… I was going to order chinese but then I thought you’d appreciate a home cooked mean,” you sniffled as tears brimmed in your eyes, so ashamed of your failure and frustrated that your efforts amounted to nothing.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he cooed as he walked closer to you “aren’t ya gonna give me a hug?” he grinned as he opened his arms and braced himself as you jumped into his arms, nuzzling your face in his neck.

“I’m sorry,” you dried your wet cheeks as he rubbed your back to sooth you “I did make you some brownies though.”

“It’s okay, baby. I ate when we got back. You know I have to eat every few hours,” you nodded in the crook of his neck “I just…”

“What?” you pulled back so you could look at his face.

“Can we cuddle for a bit? I just,” he cleared his throat “I missed you so much.”

“Okay.” You giggled as he put you down, taking off your baby blue apron and following him to his bed.

***

He knew he shouldn’t complain. He asked for this. As much as he liked spooning you from behind, where he could unabashedly smell your hair, he absolutely could not take you wiggling your supple ass against his erection any longer.

Fuck it all to hell.

He held onto your hip, digging his fingers into your skin through the thin material of your pink sundress and rutted his arousal up into you and between your cheeks.

“Oh,” you gasped. Completely taken aback. “St – Steve “

“I can’t take it anymore, doll.” He purred in your ear as he snaked a hand up your torso to squeeze your breast. He groaned at the feeling while he kept humping you like a horny teenager. To be fair that’s what you always managed to reduce him to.

“Why wait, babe. Hm?” he asked as he sneaked his hand up your skirt, cupping your clothed mould. “Do you not trust me?” he asked as he traced your folds through your panties, his voice laced with sadness.

You both had been together for months, he was afraid to go on such a long mission and how it might affect your relationship. He had given you his heart and soul yet you refused to share your body with him.

He was a patient man, he would wait even forever because he knew it would be worth it. But sometimes he just needed to fuck you so hard, needed to feel you and take you in the most carnal way possible. Love you so good you wouldn’t be able to walk for a whole week.

“Steve, you know I trust you,” you whimpered as you felt him press his fingers on your clit “but I just – I’m afraid you won’t like me.” you confessed.

He scoffed incredulously “Why would you ever believe such a ridiculous thing?” he stopped his assault on your pussy and breast to turn you so you were on your back. He propped himself on his elbow as he stared you down.

Angry with himself that he was such a terrible boyfriend. For you to ever think for a second that he wouldn’t love every part of your body. “I love you. All of you.” he swore.

You swallowed “I know but you won’t if you found out…”

“What?” he asked quirking a brow.

“It’s probably better if I show you – I think…” you sat up and mustered up enough strength to push your dress off your shoulders, revealing your top half to him, you had decided to go braless since you knew you’d just end up spending the night at Steve’s.

You shivered under his intense gaze as he stared at your breast and your nipples pierced with pink hoops, his mouth agape and pupils blown. You couldn’t really gauge his reaction but you decided that he was probably shocked.

Suddenly feeling subconscious you covered your breasts with your hands, you couldn’t even look at him so you simply stared at his lap “I know you’re from the, you know 40s, so I thought you wouldn’t like these kind of things. Not to mention I can’t cook for the life of me!” you rolled your eyes at your own incompetence, “I’d understand if you never wanted to see me of - ”

“When did you get them?” he cut you off swatting your hands away so he could ogle your breasts some more. He swallowed tentatively running his thumb over your hardened bud causing you to arch your back into his touch.

“Uh – a few years ago. I’m just not someone you’d expect to have piercings you know? So it was like my dirty little secret.” you replied breathlessly as he took a nip into his mouth and suckled on it, pinching the other one.

“Did it hurt?” he released just long enough to ask the before going back to sucking, your soft warm skin and the cold metal a delicious contrast.

“Yeah a bit,” you gasped feeling him bite down on your bud.

“Can you take them out?” he leaned back to admire his work. He fondled your breasts, weighing them in his hands.

“Yes, I can. I can even switch them. I have a pair of silver bars - ”

“No, I like these better. Will it hurt if I pull on it?”

“Not that much.” you shook your head as he laid you back on the mattress.

Hastily but graciously he pulled you out of your dress and panties before undressing himself.

He was much to impatient to be inside you to properly eat you out but he had to taste you and get you ready. He lapped up your folds until you were screaming his name at the top of your lungs and gushing over his mouth.

He groaned as he sank into your heat. Bringing your hips up as he knelt before you. Driving himself into you and fucking you thoroughly and rapidly. All just so he could see your titts and those damn hoops bounce.

Comments and reblogs are really appreciated❤

Please note that my work is not to be reposted or published anywhere other than my Tumblr or AO3 account without my permission. Reblogs are most welcome though!

[loonysama]

Dearest @justfrozenthings

We heard you were taking a break from writing and we wanted to let you know how much we love reading your stories. Several peeps (listed below) have chosen some lines from their favorite stories to share with you and remind you how awesome you are! There's no pressure to get back into it, we just wanted you to know you're loved.

There's links below if anyone is intrigued and wants to read more. :)

A Summer to Remember

"I don't know. You decide. I'm not the one who will be wearing it."

A Family Picnic

Kristoff chuckled to himself as he heard the rustling of cookie cartons as his wife looked through the pantry. Anna always had a sweet tooth. He figured that's part of what made her so sweet.

Holly Jolly Quarantined Christmas

And with that they fell asleep in each other's arms with hopes and dreams for the new year.

I Have Loved You Since Forever

"Ma' I can't just go crash someone's wedding just because I have feelings for them."

"Sure ya' can."

I'll Make It Up to You

"It's not silly Anna. Your feelings are important, and you should not be afraid to voice them. I never want you to speak so lowly of yourself ever again. You understand me."

His eyes fluttered and he awoke to Anna's smiling face beaming down at him. The light from the rays of the sun casted a halo effect on her fiery red hair. Kristoff never believed in angels until that moment

One Day

Her fingers curled into the tresses of his blonde shaggy hair, throwing her head back from the sensation of his mouth on her.

Prompt 6 on Tumblr

Her legs were wrapped around his waist. He hugged her tighter than he already was so he could breathe in her scent because to him she smelt like home. To him, Anna was home. It did not matter where they were; wherever Anna was, that’s where he belonged

The Punch

"Because if I saw him touch you like that one more time, I would have beaten the shit out of him."

The Sea Nymph

He was about to say something but then he saw Anna’s eyes grow wide, he stopped himself. “Anna?” He asked cautiously. “What’s wrong?” “Elsa’s here.”

A State of Euphoria

She leaned up and kissed the tip of his large nose. “Yes,” she said breathily, rubbing her hands up and down his arms. “Love me.”

Sunflowers, Wedding Rings, and I Do's

A small orange sparkle caught her attention and she looked at her left hand admiring the engagement ring that lay upon it. It was simple and wasn’t any fancy giant diamond, but she didn’t mind. She was never one of those girls who cared for such things anyway. Besides it had a deeper meaning to it, for the reason Kristoff picked it was because he said it matched her hair.

Tidings of a New Year

Kristoff then picked her up by her thighs and Anna wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her to their room, closing the door behind them to welcome the new year their own way.

An Unusual Predicament

"Before his thoughts could get anymore dangerous, Kristoff turned on his heel, heading inside to grab a towel, quietly praying to himself that nothing bad happened to his mischievous girlfriend in the few minutes he would be gone."

"I was gonna sleep on the couch, but seeing as you're too stubborn to let go, I guess I have no other choice but to stay with you." - Kristoff

xoxo

@annaofthenorthernlights, @bigfrozenfan, @hiptoff, @ink-and-moonbeams, @meanderer125, and @loonysama

For those that weren't able to add their lines before this post, please re-blog with any lines you want to add.

[bogkeep]

theo’s tarot collection

hi hello i suffer from a terrible ailment called I Keep Acquiring New Tarot Decks Even Though I Am A Tarot Newbie.... so i figured i could do a little writeup about my decks if anyone is interested in that :’) basically i started doing tarot in 2019 because i couldn’t get a hold of a therapist (i was put on a year long waitlist WAHOO) so i basically. self-medicated with tarot readings hahaha. i had a friend who gave me a lot of really good advice and had done some readings for me before who felt immensely comforting. the way i read them is like... it allows you to confront your situation and your emotions through a new angle, but you gotta be brave enough to do it - or ask someone to do it for you. it can be a really intense but also cathartic experience. it’s not for everyone! but i like it. i still consider myself a novice and still learning so i am not in ANY way trying to paint myself as a Knowledgabl Tarot Witch - in a perfect timeline that’s who i wish i was, but i’m ultimately just some guy with a solid appreciation for art and personal growth.

ANYWAY... onto my DECKS (the tumblr post will probably squish the quality outta my photos so i’m gonna link the URLs for Full View)

Children of Litha by Alexandria Huntington

i consider this my main and first deck (i am NOT counting the official homestuck deck i bought as a teen just because i wanted to look at the art. no offense to the homestuck deck i’m just not gonna use fandom decks)! i picked it out but my Tarot Friend gifted it to me... i think it’s a very good starter deck for me personally, and it’s the deck i’ve bonded with and used the most. i even put a fancy sticker on the box as part of the bonding process. i always feel so bad for all of my other decks because i haven’t been able to dedicate as much time for them as i have this one... so it’s definitely the deck i go to for the most accurate readings for myself. Vibes and Thematic Coherence: the art in this is so beautiful and elegant. the symbolism more or less draws on the classic smith-waite deck, but redrawn for its theme. i like that it has a very consistent imagery! out of the major arcana, the fool is the only fully human character - every other character is part animal in some way or other. then the suit of swords depicts birds, winged insects and the air element, coins depict ungulates and equines and earth, wands has felines and canines and fiery imagery, and cups has fish and creatures of and in the sea. the court cards have humans. the suit symbols are always depicted consistently, as white silhouettes. there are also two extra cards: the all and the void. Pamphlet: the reason i think this was a good starter deck is because both because the art feels very intuitive about what it depicts (to me, at least), the descriptions in the pamphlet describe what is happening and why the artist chose this motif for this card. it has honestly helped me remember the meanings a lot, because i’ll be reading the other decks and be like “oh that’s the octopus card i know what the octopus card is about”. there are also little poems next to the main descriptions that work as a pretty solid tl;dr for the core meanings. i also like that the court cards are referred to in the sense of like... a knight is “a young person with masculine energy” rather than “a young man”. it feels more fluid and vibe-y about gender than traditional decks ya feel. on a range from Abstract to Directness this one feels like it sits pretty comfortable in the middle, maybe leaning on Abstractness. it has always given me gentle instructions and advice.

Cardfeel: the cards are very smooth and nice with gold edges. the cards are not NOT solid, but i wish they had been a little thicker because i’m always afraid i’m going to accidentally damage them - but that’s probably a feeling i have about most of my possessions tbh!! i think they’re a good size, too, at least for my small hands. they’re more on the long/slender side so they are good for me to shuffle. i also like the box, it’s a hard flip box with a magnet. i think u can’t go wrong with that. this is the deck i’ve travelled with the most (did u know hotel beds are the best tarot reading spaces. for some reason they just Work). The Spacious Tarot by Annie Ruygt and Carrie Mallon

this is one i really like a lot and want to use more! i absolutely adore the concept of it, but it’s a little harder for me to read than the Litha one. Vibes and Thematic Coherence: this one is like!!! it’s about the open space and the quietness. the vibes are IMMACULATE. the cards aren’t filled to the brim with happenstance and symbolism, but they each feel like a little refuge. very meditative. i also like that the court cards are not gendered at all - there is no page, knight, queen and king, but rather child, explorer, guardian and elder. i am really into that, especially as steps of mastery of their suit. i do think that this deck is probably easier to read if you’re more experienced with tarot meanings and symbolisms, because the illustrations aren’t necessarily that intuitive. Pamphlet: i haven’t read through this one very much, but i think it’s more on the abstract side of the Abstract to Direct scale. it might just feel like that because it describes what the card symbolizes without drawing much on what the card depicts - it is generally a pretty abstract and meditative deck. i like it for what it is! but it’s harder for me to read than my main Litha deck. Cardfeel: there’s something about the cardfeel i wish was different. they’re perfectly ok cards, they’re smooth and not too thin, but i still wish they had had more heft or something. while the cards fit very well into my hands i think maybe they could’ve been Larger to emphasize their motifs of openness and space. or texture. or gilded edges. i really don’t know what i want. the box however is very good and easy to open and use!! never underestimate a good box.

Tarot of the Divine by Yoshi Toshitani

this is a deck i Had To Get because i knew the artist was working on it and i was always Planning To... it is not a deck i use very often but i absolutey adore it. you can also get it with an accompanying fairytale book, i thought i had ordered that but i was Wronge. Vibes and Thematic Coherency: it depicts motifs and characters from stories, myths, and fairytales from a vast variety of cultures. it’s AMAZING. the art is so clean and crisp and i was VERY EXCITED to find a card drawing on a sami story (page of coins)! i don’t have a lot to say except that yoshi yoshitani has done some incredible work on this. Pamphlet: while i do not have the Fairytale Book edition, the pamphlet is really super nice because it shows pictures of the cards, lists what story it depicts and where the story is from, gives a short description for how this scene or character embodies the card. it then lists some of the Card Characteristics beneath. very simple but very nice. i really like pamphlets that explain Why the artist picked the motifs they did - for me personally it really helps me connect to the deck and their symbols. it’s probably more on the Direct side of the scale thanks to this. Cardfeel: these are textured!! they feel like the playing card deck my grandmother has, which feels apt to me. textures make the cards feel solid to me. they’re also a very nice size to hold. the edges are not guilded, but with the white frames it looks good and nice. the box is nice but also Large, possibly to fit with the book? might not be ideal for travel, but there’s nothing stopping you from getting a different box or pouch.

The Star Spinner Tarot by Trung Le Nguyen

my most recent deck... i KNEW about the artist and the deck from before, but wasn’t PLANNING to get it, but then i saw it in the comic book store and i wasn’t able to pass it by. no regrets, it’s a wonderful deck. Vibes and Thematic Coherence: absolutely lovely art and style. it’s another deck drawing on fairytale themed motifs. i’m loving the use of colors and circles. it also has four different cards for the Lovers so you can choose which one(s) speak to you the most, something i think is just wonderful. i think the only thing i found a little... odd? was that the suit of Wands looks kinda same-y, which isn’t a bad thing, but it was the only suit that looked that way to me. they’re still very very nice. ALSO THE BACK OF THE CARDS ARE SHINY. I JUST THINK THAT’S VERY LOVELY. as a Physical Product these are chef’s kiss. Pamphlet: on the Abstract to Directness scale, these are VERY DIRECT. the pamphlet doesn’t say a lot about why the cards depict what they do, but go straight into card meaning, and in a very unambiguous way. i think it can both work very well, leaving you little room to avoid your feelings, but it also has a higher margin to miss completely. for being such a cutesy deck full of fairies the pamphlet is definitely giving you a smack at the side of your head. i haven’t used this deck a lot yet due to its newness, but i definitely want to try it out more to see what it does to me.

Cardfeel: out of all of my decks i think this has the best cardfeel... the cards feel really solid, and have a very good size that feel just right for them. like i sort of fell in love with the deck when i actually started shuffling it and browsing the cards. buying cards - especially on the internet - can be a gamble because you Can’t Know The Cardfeel. with decks like the Spacious Tarot i got a little dissappointed, but this one was a very pleasant surprise. also the box is very good and look like a work of art. The Fyodor Pavlov Tarot

honestly one of my new favourite decks that i ABSOLUTELY am going to use more and become more familiar with. also a deck that i knew the artist was working on, and supported the kickstarter the moment it was announced. my deck also came with two Magician cards and i don’t know why. extra wizard for me??? Vibes and Thematic Coherence: the look and feel of this deck is Immaculate. it looks very classical and traditional (and absolutely gorgeous), it is grounded in the classical smith-waite imagery but Expands Upon It, draws on the diversity of human culture and experiences... also loving the energy of “THIS CARD IS TRANS NOW AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT” many cards have (most famously the Lovers, but i don’t want to post pics of any of the cards depicting nudity or risqué themes on tumblr). i absolutely adore the knight of coins card (THE HORSE IS HIS FRIEND AND SERVICE ANIMAL!!). it’s just Really Very Good. also the backside has pretty Shiny stars and i like it. Pamphlet: i really like this one. it is a deeply personal pamphlet, where fyodor pavlov directly discusses his relationship to the cards and why he chose the motifs he did. it feels really grounded in the world we live in, and also such a vulnerable thing to share with us all. it’s on the Direct side of the scale without necessarily telling you “the card is definitely this one thing”. my only wish is that it was easier to navigate at a glance. Cardfeel: THEY ARE TEXTURED!!! these cards are definitely long and slender and benefit someone with larger hands than mine, but i still like them a lot. i do wish they had been a smidge heavier just so i wouldn’t worry so much about damaging them... but i don’t want to be ungrateful. the deck and the box are wonderfully crafted. The Botanica Tarot by Kevin Jay Stanton

oh boy did i support the kickstarter for this one... i had actually bought the major arcana when it was the only version available, and then the artist decided to make a full deck. it’s an absolute work of art. Vibes and Thematic Coherence: oh boy oh boy does it serve vibes and thematic coherence. it’s Plants all the way down, OBVIOUSLY, but also like... every card in the minor arcana depicts their suit in its own way. like the range of coins/currency from various times and cultures?? AMAZING. looking at the art of this deck is a DELIGHT. every card manages to be beautiful and interesting despite there not being a single living creature depicted on any of them. i WILL say they, same as the spacious tarot, are not the most intuitive to read if you’re not super familiar with either the Plants or the meanings of the cards. Pamphlet: you can fit so much plant knowledge in this one. i got a version of the deck with a beautiful little book, but there’s also a small pamphlet that follows the deck itself (which i admittedly have not looked too closely at yet). there’s descriptions for why this specific plant has been chosen for each card, and then some Card Meaning Keywords. so definitely on the Abstract side of my imaginary tarot pamphlet scale, because you mostly have plant symbolism to go on. i haven’t done a lot of readings with this deck, i’ll be honest - but it’s a beautiful treasure that i adore. Cardfeel: they’re Smoothe and Guilded edges. they can feel a little wide for my hands, but not so much that i cannot shuffle. i think maybe a smidge of texture wouldve been good with this deck since it would fit the look of the painted art. i also did get like... a big kickstarter reward version of this deck. it came in a tin box with extra treasures and a cloth and pins... the actual card box itself is beautiful to look at, but i have to say that the one i got is VERY HARD TO OPEN. i might transfer the cards into a pouch if i want to be reading them more often. IKEA deck

yes this is a meme deck and i don’t really use it but I WANTED TO SHARE... i think the major arcana is very cool and funny, but i was dissappointed to find that the suit cards are just “ikea part but Multiple Times”. it also does not come with a pamphlet. also yes yes it’s funny that the names of the cards are spelled in a “silly ikea word language” BUT IKEA NAMES ARE JUST SWEDISH....... IT’S NOT A SECRET LANGUAGE IT’S JUST SWEDISH............ it’s a funny deck to have and it doesn’t take up much space so eh! shrugs!!! The Lubanko Tarot by Emily Lubanko

another kickstarter deck... it’s gorgeous but there is a chance i might gift it to someone else. not because i regret getting it or don’t like it, but because i already have so many decks that speak to me, while this one gives me vibes of serving someone else better. does that make any sense? i admittedly haven’t looked at the pamplet so much so i think i’m going to skip that description for this one. Vibes and Thematic Coherency: the MOVEMENT and the COLORS... it’s Capturing Feelings in a really good way. i mean. i got it for the vibes and it’s serving vibes. Cardfeel: Smoothe Cards. shiny silver edges, like a slippery fish in a rapid river. it feels good and right for this deck. also good box. i know most of these decks have Good Box, it’s just the botanica one that let me down by being difficult. The Oriens Tarot by AmbiSun

i don’t have this deck anymore, i gifted it to my boyfriend... i found these pics on my twitter. it’s one of the first decks i supported on kickstarter and it’s VERY pretty, and it has HOLOGRAPHIC RAINBOW EDGES HOT DAMN. it’s another one of those instances where i Yearned for it and then found that it didn’t fit me as well as i had hoped. tarot is just one of those things where you have to find what Works for you. at this time the children of litha was working so well for me and i really liked the depiction of animals in it, i wasn’t able to connect to another animal deck in the same way... and it was before my tarot collection snowballed into what i have now. C’EST LA VIE ... i don’t have a smith-waite deck. i’m a fake tarot fan. i am however familiarizing myself by following Jessica Dore on twitter and subscribing to her monthly newsletters. i really love how she talks about these cards and how she interprets them.

[karanoid]

LISTEN YOU LOST SOULS!!

I really love joe and nicky but my preference is joe topping, I think it caters more to me from the spooning scene and their personalities but seems like everyone on tumblr doesn’t really like the concept of top!joe and I feel I have no one to talk to. truth to be told these switchers are lovely but these switch and bottom joe talk is not really my cuppa tea... well um... I also feel judged in this fandom... this is really draining, better leave the fandom...

DOES THIS DESCRIBE YOU? JOIN MY TOP!JOE DISCORD AND LET’S FEED EACH OTHER FOOD.

wait there’s a top!Joe discord?

YA! major writers and artists are also there 

cool, I WANT IN

—————————

So, this is the official post that this discord is accepting new members. We are prioritizing people with strict preference and switchers with preference of top!joe. We originally wanted to invite 50/50 switchers/people with no preference but we already invited these people and we decided they can only join by referral only.

How to join: message me, you will be vetted first.

F.A.Q UNDER THE CUT:

Sounds great but even though I prefer top!joe, I want to talk about bottom!joe too :(

That’s okay, may I direct you to these discords (they aren’t affiliated with mine) :

- disaster immortals (18+): https://discord.gg/g2RU3h38W7 

- all and more (18+): https://discord.gg/MdhHZBY (run by @avengernewsb)

If there is a bottom!joe discord, let me know I will put the invite link here.

top!Joe has a racist root, please be aware that you’re racist.

In my opinion, racism is not inherently tied to dynamics. However I can understand how some top!joe writers putting focus on Nicky can make you uncomfortable by the virtue of the white man getting the attention/focus alone, generally, I do agree that people tend to focus on the bottom and tend to whump him and I can see why people can think they’re racist for doing this because the fact that joe is a man of color only serve to highlight the difference. People tend to prefer the bottom because (i’m not saying everyone does this) they tend to be the vessel for the writer. From this point of view, say if this fandom is 90% top!joe, I can see why it makes people uncomfortable. And I don’t blame people taking precautions because it can get out of hand fast.

The worst thing that could happen is people solely talking about Nicky and completely ignoring Joe. But, the fandom is already pretty even when it comes to top/bottom, and therefore who gets the whump/attention, etc. TONS of people are switchers already and a lot of people prefer bottom!joe. Whump!joe content is not non-existent. Imo, at this point, you are just arguing with top!Joe people for the sake of arguing. Preferring Nicky over Joe (which is the case for some top!joe shippers) might be rooted from racial biases that permeate society AT BEST, we don’t disagree, however saying it’s racist and treating the shippers like they are plague and disgrace to the society is taking it way too far. You might think that preferring Joe to top and Nicky to bottom are also rooted from racial biases, we don’t disagree. However, there’s also another factor that comes into play that’s called (this is just my opinion) heteronormativity which some people might think are equally bad. Just because you don’t like Nicky to exclusively bottom and and cannot see why he should, does not mean you are right in making any assumption about why some people prefer Joe to top and Nicky to bottom. The same way why we think bottom!joe shippers are just being politically correct and/or whump!joe is even more racist but you know that’s not true. I’m sure all of this is just a preference. Please know, yes there are top!joe people who are all about whump!nicky and some of them are very loud in expressing their love to Luca and therefore, Nicky. but not all. A lot of them are just neutral and just prefer Joe to top and Nicky to bottom. However, people preferring Nicky and to whump Nicky are very normal. It’s normal to have a one sided preference in your ship. You’re putting words into their mouth just because you feel uncomfortable with it and you disagree with their interpretation of the characters.

If you are afraid we’re gonna turn the entire AO3 into bottom!nicky fest, calm down, it’s not happening. I just think top!joe shippers deserve a place in this fandom. We are not gonna harass switch and bottom!joe writers. All we ask is to be left alone. I think people minding their own business is the best option this fandom can have.

You see I think it’s pretty weird that you made a discord solely for top!joe?

Not at all! People preferring one dynamics over the other is common. Anyone who’s been in a fandom know top/bottom discourse is a thing. Top!x discords are super common especially when the dynamic is not popular/susceptible to abuse. It’s a way to gather people with likeminded interest. Also this discord is created because fandom toxicity. If people just minded their own business, I wouldn’t have made this discord.

Why not just join the other discords? It’s not like they are not allowing top!joe?

You are right, however talking to switchers are very different from talking to people with same wavelength and probably share one braincell. Some members of this discord are in other discords and they said they prefer my discord... so that’s something.

I think they will switch since they’re 900 years old and it’s just much more realistic!

Oh nobody’s disputing that. We just want to talk about the moments joe tops. Or you know Joe could have tried it and he didn’t like it. Besides realistically, I don’t think they have sex anymore after 900 years old. Nobody understands the mind of 900 yo grandpas. Nobody has lived for 900 years. We all could be wrong for what it’s worth...

Top!joe is still problematic :(

well ok then

[kitkat1003]

Where the Ice Crushes the Wave

Warning, this fic contains instances of:

Dubious Consent  Possession  Emotional Manipulation  Abuse  Minor Character Death  Hurt No Comfort  Blood and Gore 

Summary:

I don't know if you've heard of Possessed Tang, but it's everywhere on tumblr, and it's basically an excuse to hurt Pigsy.  I decided to go ham. The warnings I put are real.  Viewer Discretion is advised.

AO3 Link

Pigsy notices something is wrong immediately.

It’s not hard.  He’s been watching Tang for years, knows him like the back of his hand.  He knows that Tang is always there when he opens, at least for a few minutes.  They’ll banter, then Tang will disappear for a few hours before arriving at lunch to steal some noodles.  At some point, Pigsy will yell, chase him out but not really, and Tang will laugh all the while.

On a good day, Pigsy will invite Tang upstairs, and they eat dinner in Pigsy’s apartment.  They’ll sit in front of the TV for hours, making fun of idiots in cooking shows, and Pigsy will deliberate over and over on the idea of moving his hand to hold Tang’s.  He never does, because he’s afraid to push, afraid to ask for too much and lose what he already has.  

Pigsy can feel the power he has, vibrating in his skin, hidden because the person he used to be is not who he wants to be now, ever.  He knows that if he let that loose, if he grew tall and strong and dangerous, everyone around him would suffer; he holds it all in.

He just waits for Tang.  He can be patient.  He has spent a thousand years learning to be, and he thanks his master for teaching him, because if he was to wait for anything it would be this.

He’d spend an eternity and a day waiting for that.

For four days, though, Tang doesn’t come to the shop at all.

Pigsy texts him, calls him, and gets nothing.  He shouts more, is biting and sharp for those four days, wracked with worry and desperate for answers.

He searches even the town once.  Twice.  He waits, because that’s what he’s good at, but at the same time he wants to grow large and take charge, to roar into the night and shake the world until it tells him where his Tang is.

Four days of waiting before Tang appears in the shop in the morning.  He smiles and waves, as if he hadn’t blown Pigsy off for four days, as if he hadn’t worried Pigsy sick.

“Where the hell have you been?!” Pigsy grabs Tang by his scarf and pulls, too angry and worried and hurt to stop himself.

Tang starts but gives him an easygoing smile in return.  That’s what tips Pigsy off first.  The curve of the lips is wrong, more cunning than kind.

“Sorry-family emergency.” Easy deflection. Tang shrugs.  “I kept meaning to text you back, but stuff kept coming up.”

Pigsy could almost accept that, except Tang has never brought up his family before.  To talk about them now, it seems too...convenient.  And regardless of that, Tang has never left Pigsy in the lurch like this.  It’s too out of character.  A quick text to say ‘I’m okay’ would take but a minute.  Tang is kind enough to give Pigsy a minute of his time, he wouldn’t just let Pigsy sit worried.

Right?

He stares at Tang, squinting a little, and almost lets him go.  But then.

“You changed your glasses,” he notes.

The rims are blue.  He can see traces of snowflakes on the lenses.

Tang smiles, eyes shut and head tilted to one side.  Pigsy is suddenly aware of something dangerous, sitting beneath his friend’s skin.  The hairs on his arm stand up straight, and it is so, so obvious now that this isn’t Tang at all.

“Yes,” Not Tang says, and his smile is all teeth.  “Do you like them?”

Pigsy knows a challenge when he sees one, and he takes a breath.

“Prefer your old ones, actually,” he grunts out.  “Blue isn’t your color.”

Not Tang laughs.  It sends a shiver down Pigsy’s spine.  But it isn’t just fear, no, his cheeks color.

“On that, Pigsy, we will have to disagree.” His name out of Not Tang’s mouth sounds foreign, but it’s Tang’s voice, and Not Tang curls something soft and sweet around Pigsy’s name like it knows.

Pigsy goes to work, and firmly refuses to look over his shoulder.

He can feel Not Tang’s eyes on him anyway.

MK doesn’t notice anything wrong with Tang.  Mei doesn’t either.  Not Tang tells MK a story, talks animatedly with Mei about her next race and promises to be there.  Pigsy makes a bowl of noodles on autopilot and hands it to Not Tang.  Not Tang holds the chopsticks differently.  Not Tang doesn’t slurp up the noodles and fails to give Pigsy a smirk when he finishes the bowl, like Tang would have.

Pigsy is tense the whole day, and he waits until MK heads upstairs and the shop is closed to do anything.

“Can I walk you home?  Figure we should talk.  Haven’t seen ya in four days,” he jerks a thumb towards the door.  Not Tang tilts his head to the side, and his glasses flash in a way that is so familiar, and yet makes Pigsy shiver again.

“Sure.  I missed you.” And Pigsy is taken aback, because it sounds like Not Tang means it.  Maybe he—no, he knows this isn’t Tang.

But how much is it not Tang?

They walk out of the store, and down a block or two.  Pigsy doesn’t know where Tang lives, though he suspects somewhere near the library, but Not Tang is following his lead.  Looks like Not Tang doesn’t know, either.

He grabs Not Tang by the scarf, and drags him into an alley.  He slams Not Tang against the wall, hard but not too hard because Not Tang is still Tang’s body. Tang is still mortal.

“I don’t know who the hell you are,” he starts, and he lets his tusks out, baring his sharp teeth like a challenge, a growl in his throat.  His eyes glow ocean blue, his nostrils flare.  “But you better get the fuck out of my friend or—”

The words die in his throat as Not Tang laughs, cold and dark, and as he looks up and sees his own gaze met with something sharp and blue and icy.

“Or what, Bajie?” 

His voice has an undercurrent of something familiar, another voice Pigsy recognizes.  He wracks his brain.

“What, don’t recognize me?  Not surprising, when only one of your troupe ever could.”

That has Pigsy stumbling back, because he knows, now, he knows what that means.  It’s a stain on his pride, one of his many regrets, it’s—

“Baigujing,” he breathes, and she laughs.

“In the flesh, so to speak.  Does he suit me?” she asks, tugging on Tang’s skin and hair like one might with clothes.

She frowns, tilts his head to the side at an unnatural angle. “I’m not a fan of red,” she tells him. Then Tang changes, hair black to white from the roots.  It travels down, red to blue, silver to gold.  His skin gains a blue tint, as well.  The air around them drops in temperature, and Pigsy can see his breath.

She brushes herself off, takes a little bow, and all Pigsy can see is Tang who isn’t—this isn’t—how did she—

She takes a confident step forward, and Pigsy, in all his rage, still only sees blue.

“You get out of him right now, or—”

In a flash, she pulls out a knife and presses it against Tang’s throat.  Pigsy sees a few spots of red from where she’s pressing the blade, and cool terror sinks down his spine.  She wouldn’t, would she?  He can’t be sure, with how she’s wielding the weapon like a promise.  He takes a step forward out of panic, and stops when she raises a brow. 

“You do anything but what I say, and I stain this new outfit.” She smiles, and it’s Tang’s smile, the one that Pigsy melts under the sight of every time.  

But here, now, he’s ice.  Fear roots him to the spot and Pigsy swallows the lump in his throat.

“And if I tell the others about ya when you aren’t looking at me?” he grinds out between gritted teeth.

She tilts her head to the side. “Why would they believe you?  After all, you wouldn’t believe your own brother,” Pigsy flinches, remembering how easy it was to get Triptaka to banish Wukong, because Bajie never would pass up an opportunity to call his brother a liar, to hurt him.  “Turnabout’s fair play, and you’re on the losing side.”

Pigsy clenches his fists.  He can feel the desire to get big, to roar, to tear her out of him, rise in his chest.  But this can’t be solved with violence, as easy as he wants it to be.  Pigsy has never been good at diplomacy.

“What do you want,” he spits out.

She brushes Tang’s hair out of her eyes.  They glow in the evening light, bright and malicious.

“I have a few errands, and while this mortal is useful, he is a bit...weak.” She flexes Tang’s fingers experimentally.  “You’re quite the muscle.  I think you’d be quite useful, hmm?”

Pigsy does know a challenge when he sees one, but this time, he’s backed into a corner, with no way out, so he slumps his shoulders.

“Alright.  Just….just don’t hurt him.” It comes out a tired plea.  “And stop-don’t ruin him like that.” He gestures to her getup.  He’s sure she’s only showing him this to hurt him, because he wants Tang.  Not whatever this abomination is.  Just practically, it would give her away if she didn’t change back. Though he’s not sure how much of a choice he gets, regardless. 

She sighs, but after a moment the pleasant red and gold return, and Tang’s hair is black again.

“Fine.  Picky, though,” she places Tang’s hand on his cheek, cupping the side of his face, and Pigsy’s cheeks warm.  When he looks up, everything about Tang looks normal, except the blue rims on the glasses.  He looks away.

“Tomorrow,” he tells her.  “We’ll start tomorrow.  And once-once I’m done, you’re out of him, got it?” 

He glares, and she smiles, Tang’s mouth curving into something more unhinged.  Brown eyes glow light blue.

“It’s a date.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tang doesn’t remember the few days that he disappears.  He doesn’t even remember disappearing, to be honest.  He just walks to the noodle shop as if nothing is wrong, because to him, nothing is.  

He can tell that something off, though.  Not wrong, but off, because when he walks the feeling of his feet against the ground is muted.  Everything is a little muted, like all of his senses are muffled by something.  He shakes his head a few times, to try and break through the fog.  It doesn’t work.

He waves at Pigsy when he walks in, and then nearly jumps when he’s grabbed.  He tries to open his mouth to say something, but suddenly everything goes cold, and he’s pushed back into his own head.  Someone else takes the reins, Something Else moves his lips.

Family emergency, he hears himself say.  He sees the reflection of himself in Pigsy’s eyes.  His glasses are different.  Pigsy notices.

He watches the Something Else make Pigsy very aware that the Something Else exists, and then he is thrown into the passenger’s seat.  When MK comes over to ask for a story, Tang is allowed to tell him one.  When Mei talks about her next race, Tang can avidly respond.

He keeps trying to explain that something’s wrong, to them, but when he opens his mouth to try and say the words nothing comes out, or the Something Else will say something.  A joke, or a fact, or nothing at all, and doesn’t silence sometimes speak the loudest.  

It knows too much about him and the longer he knows it’s in his head, the more he can feel it, cool tendrils poking into memories he’d rather have private.  It searches, it pries, and it leaves no stone left unturned, leaving Tang feeling vulnerable, invaded.

The day ends.  Pigsy asks to walk him home and Tang finds himself agreeing before he can stop himself, before it can.  He wonders if it even tried.

They walk, and it’s only a matter of time before Pigsy snaps.  Tang is honestly surprised it hasn’t happened sooner, when he’s unceremoniously thrown against the wall.  It hurts, but much like his other senses, the pain is muted.  He knows Pigsy isn’t using his full strength though.  Pigsy can throw people five times his size out the door with ease.

He follows the conversation with bated breath, and then he sees something like recognition flicker in Pigsy’s eyes, and he hears Baigujing, and it says Bajie, and—

Oh.

There’s a knife to his throat.  

He sees his reflection in Pigsy’s wide eyes.  His hair is white.  His eyes are a startling, glowing blue, and he can feel blood welling up where the knife pierces his skin.

Pigsy buckles.  Tang watches him leave.

“What do you want?” he asks, to the Something Else.

He gets farther and farther away from control with each step she takes in his skin, every moment he isn’t allowed to speak.  He can feel cool shackles on his wrists, thick as steel.

“You like him very much, don’t you?” A voice, chilling and cruel, rings in his ears.  Tang doesn’t need her to specify who she’s referencing.  They pass by a window, a storefront.  She stops, and turns to it, so Tang can see her smile with his mouth in the reflection.

Tang’s blood turns to ice, and he wonders if it’s because she’s the one in his body or if it’s just his fear, in the end.  She grins wider, and Tang’s helplessness and terror grow.

“I am going to break him, and you are going to watch.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next day Pigsy is quiet.  He doesn’t say much besides telling MK to take out the orders placed on the counter.  His eyes occasionally flick to her, to Tang, to the thing sitting on the counter that looks familiar in looks alone.

Pigsy knows he has to remember.  He can’t forget that this isn’t Tang.  Even when he sees her sitting on the same barstool with that same smile, when she learns how Tang holds his chopsticks and learns how Tang eats, even when she is already perfecting something that everyone else sees is perfect.

This isn’t Tang.  Pigsy can’t forget that.

That night, she gestures for Pigsy to follow her.  He does, walking step by step with her, waiting for her to tell him what to do.  She takes him toward the marketplace, where Pigsy goes to get his ingredients a few times a month.

“You remember that Spider Queen, don’t you?  Quite the adventure we had,” she says, and Pigsy bristles at the implication.

“You weren’t there,” he growls out. 

She places a hand on Tang’s chest, expression one of mock offense.  “How could I not have been?  I mean, you were there with me. Is this not the skin?” she tugs on the fleshy part of Tang’s wrist, hard enough that the skin goes red.  

Pigsy says nothing, and shrugs.  

“Regardless, the Spider Queen will get in my way if she isn’t handled, so you’ll take care of her.  Better to squash a bug before it grows.” She points to the Spider Queen’s stall.

“I don’t kill anymore,” Pigsy grunts.

He hasn’t for years.  He took that part of himself and locked it away, made himself small because he wanted people to feel safe around him without being scared of what he could do.  He doesn’t kill.  He makes people food, he doesn’t harm them more than any other mortal could.

The knife is back out, and Pigsy knows where she’ll imply it going.

“I do,” she purrs.  “And you’re mine, so you do too.”

Pigsy clenches his fists, and shifts.

He’d imagined showing Tang his demon form.  Imagined preparing for months, carefully explaining.  Imagined going someplace remote, someplace theirs, and revealing himself.  Imagined scenarios where Tang ran, imagined scenarios where Tang stayed.

He grows tall, and burly, and looming and powerful.  He’s about eight feet tall, here, with the muscles to match the height.  His rake appears in his hand, prongs sharp.  It’s as tall as he is, and the prongs are longer than his forearm.  She looks up at him with an impressed expression that looks wrong on Tang’s face, yet makes Pigsy’s cheeks burn anyway.

“Magnificent,” she breathes, and he shivers at the sound.

He holds his rake tight, setting it on his shoulder and glancing over to the stall.  He tries to stop his hands from shaking, as she leads him to the entrance.

“Give me a lift, won’t you dear?” she asks and Pigsy grits his teeth.

He lifts Tang up, gentle with his body because even if Tang isn’t the one asking Pigsy will be damned if he hurts him like this, and they descend.

The Spider Queen’s lair is as eerie as he remembers it, though it seems to have been upgraded.  There are pods of glowing green liquid everywhere, and a computer as well.  He catches what looks like a human bent over it, tapping at keys and sighing to himself.

“Is it done yet?  The world needs its Queen to return.” He hears her voice from the right, and shifts a little to hide as she comes in.  The man at the computer stiffens, and turns around at perfect attention, bowing.

“U-Unfortunately, such a complex undertaking is going to take more time, my Queen,” the man trembles out.

“What are you waiting for?” Tang’s voice slithers into his ear, and Pigsy fights back the urge to growl, letting out a huff of a breath and narrowing his eyes in annoyance.

“An opening,” he replies.

“This has to be done by New Years!  I want to start the Year of the Spider on time,” she growls the last part out.

“Y-Yes, my Queen,” The scientist replies.

She turns away, and that’s when Pigsy jumps down.  She just barely dodges his rake and Tang jumps off of his shoulder to settle in the shadows.  Fine.  Now Pigsy doesn’t have to worry about him getting caught in the crossfire.

The Spider Queen recovers quickly, getting into a battle stance.  She gives him a once over, and then smirks.

“So the pig is back to fight, hmm?  I would have liked to see you in this form last time,” She purrs out the words, chuckling to herself.

Pigsy charges without response.  He swings his rake, she ducks, throwing out a sharp leg.  He blocks with his arm and grunts when the blade edge of her leg digs in.  He lifts a leg and kicks her, no holds barred where her humanesque body and her spider body meet.  A weak point.

She lets out a shout of rage as she’s knocked back.  He slices to the right, knocking off her helmet.  Long, messy black hair tumbles down in front of her face.  She pushes it back, darts forward, throwing out some webs.

He dodges the first few, but one catches him by the foot, trapping him to the floor.  He twists and dodges as best he can when he can’t move, but she’s closing in.

He throws out the rake, in a last ditch attempt as she goes in for the killing blow, and catches her neck between two of the prongs, following through with the swing, bringing her crashing down onto her side.

“Fool!” she grits out, twisting her legs to try and stand.  “I am the Queen of this world!  I will feed you to my subjects, you—”

Pigsy twists the rake in one sharp motion.

Crack.

She goes very silent, and very still.  Pigsy breathes, as her body slumps down on itself.

Okay.  

Pigsy slowly, carefully, pulls away the rake.  

He waits for movement.  He finds none.

Okay.

“Do try and make sure she stays dead.”

He jumps at the sound, turning around to see Tang.

Tang is watching.  Tang.  Tang watched—

Not Tang.  He has to remember that.

Her eyes glitter in the low light.

“A broken neck can be fixed.  Make sure she can’t come back.  Wouldn’t want to have to deal with a vengeful Queen, right?” She gestures to the corpse.

Pigsy grips his rake tightly.

The prongs go through flesh far too easily.

He thinks they’re about done, but then she points to the computer.  More specifically, to the man cowering beneath the control panel of the computer.

“No witnesses,” she says. “Get rid of him.”

Pigsy is frozen in his spot.

“Please,” the man begs. “I didn’t want to help, I had no choice!  She was going to kill me-I-I’ll destroy everything I did!  I’ll delete the code.  Everything!”

“You misunderstand.” Tang-she-walks carefully towards the cowering mortal.  “We didn’t do this to save the world.  We did this to get her out of my way.”

Dawning horror flashes on the man’s face.

Pigsy hesitates.  A demon is one thing, this is just a mortal.  A human.  Pigsy glances at the man, and imagines her pointing him at MK.  Or Mei.  He couldn’t.  He can’t.

“Would you rather I do this?” She pulls out the knife, pointing it at the man.  “I know you prefer him in red, though I hear blood is difficult to get off clothes.”

At the thought of Tang, who could be still in there, having to watch himself kill, Pigsy moves.

The man hedges his bets and runs.  He ducks under the knife and Pigsy’s outstretched arm, sprints toward the exit, but Pigsy’s arm swings around after him.  He can’t take more than a step forward because his foot is still stuck by the webs, but his legs are long and his arms much the same.  He reaches over in a panic, and grabs the man by the head, aiming to muffle his shouting, stop him from doing anything while Pigsy tries to negotiate, when—

There’s a sickening crunch, and squelch, and the man goes limp.

Pigsy is very, very aware of the liquid dripping from between the spaces of his fingers.  He’s afraid to open his hand.

She claps, then is at his side, cutting him free of the webs.

“Good work.” She pats him on the side.

Pigsy trembles.  Slowly, he opens his hand.

All of his body falls but the head. The head.

Pieces drop, clattering or squishing or dripping.  Pigsy’s hand is covered in it. Hair clings to his fingers.  Skin folds in on itself on the ground, with nothing solid to hold it taut.

Pigsy feels like he’s going to be sick.  He didn’t mean….he hasn’t taken this form in years, decades, he isn’t used to the power it holds.  He didn’t mean to, he was panicked, he just, he needed the man to stop.  That was it, it wasn’t on purpose, he didn’t mean—

“Feels good,” she whispers in his ear, somehow.  “Doesn’t it?”

Pigsy stumbles away, trying to shake the pieces, the blood, the person off of his hand.  He trips over the Spider Queen’s body and crashes into the computer, destroying it.  His knees pull toward his chest as he tries to breathe.  

It takes a good minute for him to realize that she’s rubbing a hand up and down his back in a comforting manner.  He looks down at her, because even sitting he’s taller, and her smile is—that’s not hers.  

“Tang?” his voice is hoarse.  His tusks always get in the way of speaking.

Tang smiles.  It’s soft, pitying, almost sympathetic.

Pigsy feels himself melt, a little.  It’s almost familiar.

“It’s okay,” Tang says, but is it him?  Pigsy doesn’t know if he wants it to be.  A part of him craves the comfort of something familiar, another doesn’t want Tang to see him at his worst, covered in blood, with a body count.

“That’s enough for tonight,” Tang says, she says, Pigsy can’t tell.  His head is already trying to process what he’s done.  “Let’s go.  C’mon.”

Pigsy lets himself be helped up.  He lifts Tang onto his shoulder and climbs out of the cave, shivering when the chilly night air whips past him.  He still has a few hours before he has to get up for work.  He sets Tang down on the ground, shifts back to his smaller form.

Tang looms over him like this.  Pigsy regrets becoming small.

“Shall we?” Tang gestures towards Pigsy’s apartment.

Pigsy nods, and they walk home.  Once they arrive, Tang heads to the couch, and Pigsy to the bathroom.  He scrubs and scrubs at his hands, until the water stops turning pink and then some.  His palms burn, skin scraping against skin, but he can see the pieces that can’t fit in the drain.

He vomits, finally, in the toilet.  He coughs, wiping his mouth, and hunches over the sink, glancing at himself in the mirror.  Deep breaths.  He just needs to remember that this will be over, eventually.

“I’m going to bed,” he calls, as he leaves the bathroom.  

His hands are still shaking.  His throat burns, and he lets it, maybe as a punishment.  He doesn’t know.

“Goodnight!” Comes a voice that sounds too much like the real thing.  Pigsy takes in a shuddering breath and vanishes into his bedroom.

He curls underneath the blankets and tries to get the cold feeling to escape his bones.  It seems to settle in, regardless.

It takes him a long time to fall asleep.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Whatever Tang had imagined she’d make Pigsy do, it wasn’t this.  He watches as they head to the market, and then as Pigsy changes, per her request.

He wonders if Pigsy would have ever shown him this form otherwise.  As is, Tang is terrified, but not of Pigsy.  He’s worried for Pigsy.  Because he knows the power Zhu Bajie can wield. here He knows that she knows, too.

Watching Pigsy fight and kill is as impressive as it is heartbreaking.  He can see the shock, the horror, as Pigsy grapples with his actions.  Tang can’t fight the revulsion when he sees Pigsy kill the poor bystander but at the same time he can’t hate him for it.  

He could never hate Pigsy foremost, but in this instance, he can’t hold this carnage against him. Not when Pigsy curls in on himself, his bigger form trying to be as small as possible.  Not when he won’t look at his own blood-stained hands.

He moves to take a step, stumbles as she throws him the controls.  The longer he isn’t allowed to do anything, to speak, to move, the harder it is to get used to doing it when he has control.  He wonders if he’ll forget how to walk eventually.  He wonders if he’ll forget how to breathe.

He tries to comfort.  He’s not allowed to tell Pigsy that it’s him, because she won’t let him, but he can comfort, because she needs Pigsy functioning for this to work.  Maybe Tang should be offended that she’s using him, but truthfully,  he just wants to do something to help Pigsy.  He can’t just stand aside to watch.  It’s almost worth being used if he’s used to help.

Pigsy looks at him, then.  Tang wants to apologize.  To beg for Pigsy to stop. He doesn’t know if Pigsy can recognize that it’s him, either.  The words don’t make it to his throat and she throws him into the backseat again.

When they get home, Pigsy stays in the bathroom for too long.  Tang hears the sound of retching and winces.  He wishes he could do something, say something.

As he falls asleep, he still wishes he could apologize.  For something.  Anything.  Everything.

He can’t feel his legs.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next morning, Pigsy gets up and heads to work.  Tang is sitting upright on the couch.  Pigsy pointedly doesn’t look at him, quick while making breakfast, eating, and grabbing his chef’s coat before heading to the shop.  He typically starts two hours before opening, setting up the dough, stringing out noodles.

He’s slow, today.  His hands shake as he tries to work, he’s halfway to where he’s supposed to be when MK comes down, on time for once.  He forces himself to speed up because he knows calls will be coming in soon.

He sets the broth to boil, stirring once, glancing down at it to check its progress, and—

It’s red.

It’s red and it’s spilling from his fingers, sticky and thick as it falls into the broth, the stench of it has him trembling violently enough that the spoon slips from his fingers.  Pieces of hair and bone bubble up from the bottom, and Pigsy sees an empty eye socket, staring at him in terror, pleading horror, begging for mercy.

He grabs the pot and pours it into the sink, he can’t let anyone see it, can’t let anyone know what he’s done, the stains settling deep into his skin with no way out, no way to make it disappear.  A man is dead.  A man is dead and Pigsy killed him and it’s everywhere and everyone is going to know and he has to get rid of it.

When he pours it into the drain, there’s not a spot of red in it.  He watches his half an hour’s worth of work disappear with an unsteady breath, setting the pot back on the stove and washing his hands.  The water boils his fingers.

“Uh...Pigsy?” MK calls.  

Pigsy turns and does not look in the direction where he knows Tang will be.  He catches MK’s expression, brow is pinched in concern.

“What?” He doesn’t mean to growl the words out as he does.

“Um, why’d you do that?  It looked almost ready,” MK points to the now empty pot.

Pigsy hides his shaking hands by clenching them into fists. “Bad batch,” He replies, succinct.

When he glances MK’s way, he imagines how easy it would be for him to repeat last night.  Would it sound the same, the skull crunching in his grip quick, or would MK’s Monkey King powers offer enough resistance so that it’d be slow?  

Pigsy remembers his old name, his old title, his old desires.  He would fight with Sun Wukong and enjoy it.  He is powerful, then and now.

He promised himself he wouldn’t be that person again, that he’d be better.  But looking back at that journey, is it any wonder that he’s so quickly fallen back into the same bad habits?  Zhu Bajie was rude, cruel, a liar.

Why’d Pigsy expect that he could change?

“A shame.” 

He nearly jumps, at the sound of her voice, his voice. He glances at the blue rimmed glasses, brown eyes.  Warm and cold.

“It looked delicious, at least,” Tang says, head resting on his palm.  He smiles, soft.

Pigsy looks away.

He gets back to work.

Some of her jobs are simple.  Break something, find an artifact.  Pigsy learns not to ask questions, because none of the answers give him much comfort.  Occasionally, Pigsy will get his hands messy, stained with the blood of demons.  Those nights he barely sleeps, too busy trying to scrape the dried liquid from beneath his fingernails.

He justifies it, even though there is no true justification for the carnage.  Thankfully, there haven’t been any more mortal deaths.  The demons he fights are bad, he thinks, as he watches them bleed out on the floor.  The demons he fights would be going after MK if he didn’t get rid of them first.  

MK mentions offhandedly that there haven’t been as many demon fights recently.  Pigsy horrifies himself with the sick satisfaction he feels, the pride that swells in his chest.

He’s able to justify his actions, but it doesn’t fix the gaping hole in his chest with every swing of his rake.  The worst part, he thinks, is that it’s becoming easier to do.  There’s a certain familiar numbness that comes with a higher and higher body count.  He went through it thousands of years ago, when he first began fighting, and he goes through it now.

It settles in faster this time.  Must be his experience.

He stays in the kitchen more often during the day.  Ignores the banter between MK and Mei when they barrel in, only half hears the stories shared.  He tries to lose himself in the motions of cooking, something that’s his, safe.  He can still do this.  So he’s fine.

She’s always there, either at the counter during the day or by his side at night.  Pigsy makes a few valiant attempts to text someone, to tell them what’s happening, but she steals his phone and Pigsy isn’t allowed to touch it.  She nearly cut off Tang’s finger when he attempted to take it back.  He stops trying.

She follows him when he goes out, whether it be to the market or just on walks.  No one raises an eyebrow at this—Pigsy has always stuck close to Tang, and vice versa.  To the outside world, this is normal.  She can tease and cloy and claw her way close to him and it’s just the silly antics everyone else expects.  Any reaction Pigsy has is normal too, when he shouts and rages and pushes Tang away, because that’s just how he reacts.  He’s loud and he’s mad.

He’s being played and he’s playing right into her clutches, but he doesn’t know what he can do.

Pigsy is so tired.  Some days, he manages to convince himself that things will be fine, soon.  He has to think it will be. If the demons were stronger than him, he thinks, maybe they’d deserve to live.

If they were stronger than him, maybe he’d get to stop.

Another development, one he can’t wrestle his feelings together on, is how Tang, how she, acts during their expeditions.  There are lingering touches across his back, fingers trailing on his neck, a palm cupping his cheek.  Sweet smiles thrown his way, gentle words whispered into his ear, arms curling around his form as he’s pressed against Tang’s body.

Every time he freezes, caught between revulsion and want, because he loves.  Desperately.

That’s why he’s doing this after all.  That’s why he even bothers.  Sleepless nights, reopened wounds, returns to bad habits—it’s all for a man Pigsy cares just a little too much for.

She gets bolder with each passing night.  Interlaces their fingers when he sets his hand on the counter during the day.  Sends him compliments that make him weak in the knees.  He knows that it’s not Tang, but sometimes he wonders.  Maybe hopes. 

Because she’ll smile at him, but it'll be Tang’s smile, soft and almost a smirk but never quite there.  He doesn’t know if that means Tang is still in there or if she’s just getting better at pretending to be him.

He doesn’t know which is worse.

It’s a little over a month later, one night after a job that leaves Pigsy’s hands bloody and his eyes weary, that he gives way, collapses in on himself.  He grabs Tang’s scarf in shaky hands and trembles, because he’s so tired.  He misses his best friend. He misses the person he’d do anything for, the person he’s doing the unspeakable for.

“Please,” he whispers, voice hoarse.  “Take me-just-I’m stronger than him-I won’t fight back, you can do all the damage you want just—” he chokes on the words.  “Give him back to me.  You can have me, just give him back.” 

He takes a shuddering breath, blinking away tears.  They fall down his face anyway.

“Please.”

He trembles against Tang, something familiar made foreign because she’s stolen it from him, against something as silence fills the space.

Soft hands lift his chin and he hears a chuckle so familiar.  He hates that doesn’t know who is laughing.

“Oh, Pigsy,” And it’s her, and it’s Tang, and Pigsy searches for understanding as a thumb brushes away his tears.  She, Tang, leans down until their eyes are level.

Pigsy searches for something familiar in them.  

His favorite color is the color of Tang’s eyes, brown with a hint of red, soft and warm.  

“Why would I need you, when you’re already giving yourself to me?”

And then Tang-she-his lips collide with Pigsy’s and-and-and—

Pigsy’s eyes are wide.  This is-he’s wanted this for years, it’s everything, nothing, all at once.

He shouldn’t like this.  This isn’t-it isn’t Tang.  But Pigsy is pressed against the wall as Tang’s body leans forward, like everything Pigsy has ever wanted, and Pigsy closes his eyes.  He closes his eyes and forgets, just for a moment, where he is and what’s happening, decides to be selfish.

When his eyes are closed, he can’t see anything.  He can only feel Tang’s hands on the sides of his face, holding him so tenderly, Pigsy’s hands still bunched up in that scarf.  He can’t see the glowing blue eyes, or the smirk, he can only feel the smile against his lips.

Tang pulls away first.  Pigsy drops his hands and nearly trips over himself, eyes wide open again to blue eyes and a wide smile and a laugh that is cruel and knowing.  

“My, my, that sure was something!  You really are desperate, aren’t you?” she says.

Pigsy wipes his mouth, trembling.  He feels sick, not because he didn’t like it, but because he did.  Does.  

“You-I—” he tries to explain himself, but she tuts and walks forward with a small smile on her face, patting him on the head like one would a dog.

“It’s alright, I understand.  For a mortal, he is attractive.” She fiddles with Tang’s hair.

Pigsy wants to throw up.  He wants to scream.  He wants to throttle her, but he can’t hurt Tang.  

He might have already.

How much does Tang see, does Tang feel?  Did he see this, feel this?  Did he watch Pigsy use him, like the monster he is, because Pigsy is selfish?  The thoughts spiral deeper and deeper into something self destructive and Pigsy bites on his thumb hard enough to make it bleed.

“If it’s any consolation, he loves you too,” she says, and Pigsy freezes.  “Do you think he never noticed how your hand would twitch toward his?  You’re terribly obvious, but he’s a coward as well.”

Pigsy feels his breathing pick up.

Tang, he, he love-loved?  Past tense, did Pigsy ruin it?  Did he break something he never even had?  Might not ever have, now?

A hand trails across his back and Pigsy shudders.

“No need to worry.” She leans in close, until Pigsy can feel her cool breath against his ear.  “If you’re good, I think I can make this happen again.”

And then she walks away, leaving him in the wreckage.  Pigsy breathes, clenches and unclenches his fists, fighting back the urge to cry because he doesn’t have the energy for more tears.  He moves to leave, when—

“It seems you do have a bit of control left,” he hears, right before she’s out of earshot.

Everything goes cold.

What does that mean?  Was the kiss...was that Tang?  Or was it-what does that mean?

The more he thinks about it, the more his head goes through loops.  Tang is in there.  Tang has control-some, a bit, no specifics.  Pigsy isn’t a thinker, he doesn’t know how possession works.  Maybe-maybe Pigsy isn’t as terrible as he thinks he is.  Maybe that means, maybe, it wasn’t all a lie?

His walk home takes ten minutes longer than it should.  He keeps bringing up his fingers to his mouth, tracing the spaces where Tang’s lips slotted into, like a perfect puzzle.  Every part of him she touched tingles like static, and Pigsy can’t think, can’t find a single thought.  If it wasn’t Tang, if it was just her...

He doesn’t know how to cope with the fact that he doesn’t want this.  Not like this.

He doesn’t know how to cope with the fact that deep down, he does.  Regardless.

What kind of monster does that make him?  

Is it worse than the one he already is?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tang is quiet when she kisses Pigsy.  He doesn’t feel anything, touch long lost to his senses, floating in empty space.  Some days, he doesn’t know where he ends and she begins but he knows that he has no weight to himself, not anymore.

He’s quiet, an ache in his chest growing ever painful as Pigsy gives in, and he wonders if it would have been like this if it were him.  Something in the heat of the moment, passionate, real.

He wonders and grieves a life he isn’t having.  She uses his mouth and whispers sickly sweet nothings and turns Pigsy around so that Tang isn’t sure that Pigsy knows what’s up and what’s down.  She walks away and leaves Pigsy to try and collect himself, and all Tang wants to do is say sorry.

For what, he isn’t sure.  This isn’t his doing.  But that was him all the same.  

Tang bows his head and sniffles.  He watches her wipe his eyes.

“It seems you do have a bit of control left,” she says, staring down at the tears in his palm.  She flicks the water away.  “Get over yourself.  If you wanted this, you should have made it happen.  You had plenty of time.”

And the worst part, Tang thinks, is that with the years he’s known Pigsy, he knows she’s right.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pigsy tries to keep some semblance of normalcy after that, though it’s hard.  He can feel Tang’s eyes on him, gaze lingering as Pigsy moves, day after day.  He tries to keep his cheeks from flushing, tries from reacting at all, when Tang looks his way.  He forces himself to remember that the kiss wasn’t right, wasn’t Tang.

But at the same time he can’t forget what he heard.  What it could mean.  Pigsy has mired himself in despair so deeply that the scrap of hope he feels is enough to keep him teetering on the edge of something dangerous, something selfish.  

There’s a change in the air between them, he knows. MK and Mei notice too, as much as he tries to keep this from them, keep them safe.  He doesn’t want them trapped, like he is.  He couldn’t handle it if they were.

“You guys have been acting weird.” Mei hops up to the counter as she speaks, glancing between Tang and Pigsy with squinted eyes.

“Oh?” Tang asks, leaning his head on his hand.

Not Tang.

“Yeah, you guys have been real clingy,” MK slings an arm around Mei’s shoulders, rubbing his chin with his hand.  

Mei brightens.

“You guys have finally gotten together, haven’t you!” She points an accusatory finger at the both of them.

Pigsy freezes.  Flushes from his feet all the way up to the tips of his ears, and Tang laughs, a soft, sweet, bell of a laugh.

“Were we that obvious?” Tang chuckles into his sleeve.

Mei bounces in her seat, and MK looks away, a little flustered himself at the idea.

“Uh, totally!  We, uh, we both saw this coming.  Yeah.” Pigsy would laugh at MK’s poor attempt at a lie if he wasn’t frozen in place, stuck between horror and something else he can’t acknowledge.

Some part of him wants to pretend this is real.  Some part of him, growing with every passing second, wants to play along until he forgets it’s a game.  Because he’s been fed emptiness and sadness and helplessness and, suddenly, there’s this hope—maybe false, maybe real, dangling in front of him.  

There’s something good, and something kind, and something Pigsy needs.  Something so cold it becomes warm and Pigsy would like to be warm.

“How’d it happen!  I want details!” Mei leans forward, face a few inches away from Tang’s, and Pigsy fights the urge to pull her away from him.  He doesn’t know if it’s because he wants to keep her safe or him.

Tang goes into a story, dipping into the tone he would with Monkey King tales, and Pigsy feels the edges of static crawling up his neck, a high pitched tone drowning out the noise of conversation as he tries to make sense of the situation he’s in.

How did he even get to this point?  He traces back memory after memory, but nothing makes sense.  The pieces don’t fall into place, even as he finds each and every one to try and put it all together.  It’s like someone has sanded the edges down, or covered them in ice, so they slip and scrape against each other.  Pigsy stands still, and slowly swivels his head to glance at his family, Mei and MK and Tang, all situated at his counter, like they’ve always belonged.

He keeps reminding himself that it isn’t Tang, not really.  But is it so terrible to pretend?  When he’s already worse than he’s ever been?

“It was really special.  Right, Pigsy?” Tang turns to him with an expectant grin, and Pigsy flushes again, a color Tang once told him was a dusty rose.  

He doesn’t snap.  He bends, because when you bend, the cracks are slow to break.  And Pigsy has always taken things slow, hasn’t he?

“Right.” He steps forward, his hand beneath Tang’s chin.  Tang has always been the most handsome person Pigsy has ever seen, and how could that change, even with blue rims?

Tang’s lips brush against the side of his face, for the effect of MK and Mei’s groans, and Pigsy smiles.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tang trusts Pigsy with his life

That goes without saying.  As he forgets what it feels like to move his fingers, as he forgets what taste is, he knows above all else that he can trust Pigsy with his life.  

After all, Pigsy is why he’s alive at all.  Anyone else would have buckled under the pressure by now, being the slave of the Baigujing.  Anyone else would have made a mistake that would have left Tang a bleeding corpse on the ground.

Pigsy shoulders on, regardless of everything, because he values Tang’s life above all else.  Tang knows this.  That’s why he trusts Pigsy.

But things are changing, just a little.  Pigsy’s desperation for something real, for Tang as he’s meant to be, is dying.  Somehow, she’s bewitched the love of his life into something that is becoming unrecognizable.  And Tang, though he is losing the memory of touch, of taste, of movement, finds this somehow more terrifying, more horrifying.  

To see Pigsy vanish, just as Tang did, with no one making him disappear but himself.

Pigsy leans into her false touches.  He melts into the kisses she forces upon him.  His resistance falls slow and Tang can do nothing but watch and wonder quietly, as numbness threatens to swallow him whole.

He trusts Pigsy with his life.

But he doesn’t know which life Pigsy is trying to save.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It keeps happening.

At night, when he gets moments of clarity, when he remembers how awful everything is, Tang will be there with honeyed words and precious touches to sweep Pigsy off of his feet and forget.  Pigsy will be horrified by the sight of death in one moment and locked in an embrace in the next, kissed with a passion he can’t help but return.

“You’re so strong,” Tang will say, with reverence to his tone.  “It’s incredible.”

Not Tang.

Pigsy will fight against the pride that comes from the compliment, then fail every time to stifle it.  Because he is strong, incredibly so, and he is powerful, and he can swipe through any demon with ease.

Nevermind the brothers, crying out for each other when he’d separated them, the way one had gone pale and quiet when the other went still, because they were a pair made one.  You can’t kill a pair at the same time, unfortunately.

Pigsy knows he should feel guilty, should fight more.  Knows that this isn’t right, it isn’t real.  It’s so easy to forget, though, so easy to cling to something good when everything else hurts.

It’s so easy to set aside the memories of how wrong it all is.  So easy to hide it all away, focus on the elation, the kind smiles, the gentle touches.  Tang washes blood off of Pigsy’s hands when they get home—it’s their home, how could he forget—and curls up with Pigsy in the night, holding him close, and Pigsy clings, because he needs this.  Needs something that makes him feel like things are okay.

The thoughts reminding him that this isn’t Tang start to slip through Pigsy’s fingers.  He finds himself relaxing around the shop, smiling when he sees Tang at his seat, squeezing back when Tang interlocks their fingers.

Why fight it?  Sometimes it hurts, and god does it, but there’s something so lovely about it now, everything he ever wanted with a price he’s fine paying.

When you take a pig out of its domestic environment, it easily turns wild.  Hair, tusks, a penchant for violence.  And Pigsy hasn’t been out of his domestic environment in years, but he’s a pig, in the end, lost in the wilderness of an icy forest and blue eyes.

“Hey, Pigsy?” MK’s voice comes from behind him.

Pigsy turns from his work to see his boy at the counter, wiping it down as he waits for orders to come in.

“What?” He glances between the pot and MK, deciding the pot will be fine for a few seconds.

“Are you doing okay?  You, uh, you’ve been kind of quiet,” MK rubs the back of his neck, awkwardly.

Pigsy opens his mouth and closes it.  He glances to the empty seat.  Tang’s empty seat.

He doesn’t actually know where Tang has gone, but it’s so rare for it to happen.  Pigsy tries to remember the last time Tang wasn’t in his spot during the day, but tracing memories that far back is like poking at the wreckage of a shattered pot; you’re bound to draw blood.

The tiny vestiges of resistance crawl from ash and leave burning fingerprints on the forefront of his mind.

Tell him, he hears himself think.  Tell him!  This is your chance!

But the truth is so, so painful, and Pigsy doesn’t have it in himself to shatter this equilibrium.  Isn’t it so much kinder to let it settle beneath the surface, to hide the pain and make it so no one knows at all?  He doesn’t want MK to look at him with horror and disgust.  He doesn’t want to have to try to fix something that might be broken beyond repair.

This is nice.  This is okay.  He’s happy like this.  Why ruin it?

He reaches over and ruffles MK’s hair.  MK playfully smacks his hands away, and Pigsy chuckles.

“It’s my job to worry about you, kid,” he tells him.  “I’m fine.  Orders will be out in a minute.”

He waves MK off, and goes back to cooking.

Tang appears a minute later, in his seat.

“Hey,” Pigsy hears, and he turns, leaning on the little divider between the kitchen and the dining area.

“Hey, yourself,” he replies, and Tang smiles and kisses him soundly.  Pigsy’s brain short circuits.

“What was that for?” He asks, something like incredulous elation in his voice as he laughs.

Tang’s face screams victory.  Pigsy wonders what he’s won.

“Oh, I just felt like it.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He supposes he has his answer.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He’s finishing up another job at the end of the month when Tang claps his hands together.

“Well, I think that’s it,” he says and Pigsy freezes, realizing what may come.  “I don’t really have any other errands to run, and you’ve done your end of the bargain.  I’ll be out by morning.”

No, Tang can’t go, he can’t.  If Tang leaves, then what will Pigsy be?  He needs this.  Tang, Tang’s good for him.

He whirls around, and a hand reaches over to rest on Tang’s shoulder.  Tang.  Tang is good.

“I-wait-but,” Pigsy finds it so hard to articulate his thoughts nowadays.

He’s always been the muscle, Tang is the smart one.  Pigsy is good at doing, not talking.  He shouldn’t speak when everything comes out scrambled anyway.

“Use your words, now, dear,” Tang says, and Pigsy melts, like he always does.  How can he not, when Tang is looking at him like that?  Like Pigsy is his?

“I want to-you can stay-can you?  I need you to stay.  Please?”

Because Tang makes Pigsy feel whole, makes Pigsy feel loved.  He can do whatever Tang wants him to do, whatever Tang needs, Pigsy will make it happen.

Tang’s fingers trail down Pigsy’s face.  Pigsy leans into the touch, even though Tang’s fingers are cold.  Tang feels cold, but that’s okay.  Pigsy doesn’t mind.

“Oh, Pigsy,” and it’s Tang.  Pigsy searches for understanding, as a thumb brushes away his fears, soft.  Tang leans down until their eyes are level.  Pigsy finds familiarity in them, like he’s known them for an eternity.

His favorite color is the color of Tang’s eyes, blue with a hint of white, hard and cold.  

“All you had to do is ask,” Tang leans forward, and his lips brush against Pigsy’s, and Pigsy leans in.

It’s everything he’s ever wanted.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When ice touches the ocean, there is no crash.  The ocean fights back against the shift in form at first, but eventually is quieted by the power ice wields.  The ice smothers, the ice settles on top as a slate, and the sea goes still, everything hidden beneath, never to reach the surface.

Tang watches, from the prison in his mind, and the cuffs  on his wrists are so much tighter.  He can't feel where the cuffs end and his arms begin. He can’t feel his hands. He can’t feel anything.  All he has left is his vision, which is more a cruelty than a blessing.

When ice meets the earth it fills in the crevices left by time and expands, cracking stones apart and leaving it crumbling in its wake.

Tang curls in on himself as she shows him a kiss he never got to give, as Pigsy leans in with no hesitation, lost in something Tang can’t save him from.  He curls away from the sight and tries to pretend that things can get better, that they can be saved, but he doesn’t know.  Not when it hurts this much.  Not when he’s lost this much.

Something like betrayal rests bitterly in his stomach.  Pigsy left him.  For an imitation, Pigsy left him, and Tang knows there’s more there, knows there has to be, has seen it unravel, but it doesn’t change the fact.  

Pigsy made his choice, and Tang is the one suffering the consequences.

Tang crumbles quietly.  He doesn’t even know, here, if he has eyes to cry from.  It feels like he’s crying.

It feels like he’s screaming. No one hears. Even him.

If the water is still, it does not crash against the earth.  There is no tide, and the earth remains unchanging.  Except, even without the waves, time erodes it all.

Tang has nothing but himself and time.

[etes-secrecy-post]

Hi!, before I explain my post, I want to say something important.

• What you see my blog has become a major overhaul. And despite the changes, I decided that my 2nd account will be now my artwork blog with a secret twist.

⚠️NEW RULE!⚠️

⚠️ SO PLEASE DO NOT SHARE MY 2nd ACCOUNT TO EVERYONE! THIS SECRECY BLOG OF MINE IS FOR CLOSES FRIENDS ONLY!⚠️

• AND FOR MY CLOSES FRIENDS, DON’T REBLOG IT. INSTEAD, JUST COPY MY LINK AND PASTE IT ON YOUR TUMBLR POST! JUST BE SURE THE IMAGE WILL BE REMOVED AND THE ONLY LEFT WAS THE TEXT.

⚠️ SHARING LINKS, LIKE POSTS, REBLOG POSTS, STEALING MY SNAPSHOT PHOTOS/RECORDED VIDEOS/ARTWORKS (a.k.a. ART THIEVES) OR PLAGIARIZING FROM UNKNOWN TUMBLR STRANGERS WILL IMMEDIATELY BE BLOCKED, RIGHT AWAY!⚠️

Okay? Capiche? Make sense? Good, now back to the post…↓

Titles: Riya's Blue Lightning Pillow Snuggle & Riya's Blue Lightning Sky Parachute

Hi! Few days ago, My G-Pal (Guatemala Pal) sammirbear2k42021 was having an emotional after his former friend blocked him for obvious reason(s). I don't why, but he's moved on nonetheless. And that's a good thing; just dust yourself off and keep on strong.

Thus, I decided to draw these artworks for him to cheer him up. Because why not! His OC Sammir and my OC Cude are best friends (among with his other friend l0rdofth3wer3wolv3z and his OC Wolfgang), and I still loved his old Sammir 1st & 2nd clothes.🤗💛💙

Riya 🐰🏎 (wearing her owned Sammir 2nd Clothes): You bet! He drew me wearing my owned Sammir 2nd clothes snuggling my oversize pillow with the same outfit as I'm wearing. And let me tell ya, this is my most lovable oversize pillow clothes I've ever hugged. Followed by my Maxwell A/W clothes which is also my favorite. 👕👖🥰️🤗 The second one is me parachuting with my same clothes as you've saw before.☁️ Let's be real, I've never been sky diving before, but since I'm not afraid of heights (acrophobia) or falling (basophobia) I could do skydiving whatever I want. Because I've went flying high before with my Cuteness Mecha Armor, and to this day, I'm still active Cuteness Defender Member duty. But nonetheless, Skydiving is super fun with my owned Sammir 2nd clothes. Not just soft, warm & snuggle to wear, you know. 🥰️💛💙 And, sammirbear2k42021, don't give up with your life & your account, bud! You have other friends that cares you much than that person. In fact, we love you & keep forward!😉❤️️

Well, that's all for now.😊

Sammir's old 2nd clothes is owned by sammirbear2k42021

[pens-swords-stuff]

Undine, I’m sorry. I wrote you a bit ago asking if you had advise for a self-publishing failure who’s afraid to promote. I’ve been on tumblr long enough to know anons get eaten a lot. Can you let me know if you got it? If you did and don’t know how to help, that’s cool too. Thank you <3

I did receive it anon!

It’s not that I didn’t get it or I don’t know how to help, it’s that I have a limited amount of time and brainspace for it right now. I have an answer sitting in my drafts that I will hopefully get around to finishing soon.

Just as a PSA to anyone who asks me for advice, as I mention in my ask guidelines, I do take a while to answer asks. (I have asks from 2 years ago still sitting in my inbox and they haunt me everyday) It’s why I recommend asking me off-anon so that you will get the notification when I eventually answer. 

I totally get that some things are easier to ask anonymously, so if you are really wanting an answer and haven’t received it feel free to nudge me like this anon did to let me know that an answer is important to you because it will bump it up on my priorities list a bit. Generally I assume that most asks are not time sensitive or urgent. Please do it politely, otherwise I will not answer it ever. 

If you want to be notified when it gets answered and you feel comfortable with it, feel free to send me a DM or another ask specifying who you are. Let me know to not publish the ask or say who you are publicly, and I will keep it private, and send you the link when it does get posted.

Otherwise, just keep checking back I guess?

Not only is ya girl busy, she’s also very lazy, slow, a major procrastinator, and petty. Gentle nudges are welcome, demands are not.