#after being off work for quite a while
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#so have my first day of training today bc I cancelled it last time#cos of anxiety#n I’m so anxious lol#ik its jsut volunteering but it still feels really overwhelming#I don’t wanna go but ik I gotta force myself#have no proper work experience so it’ll give me tht#plus I gotta learn to be around ppl and being in the public#just dreading it honestly esp b it’s 4 hrs n I’m just not used to tht anymore#after being off work for quite a while#i just don’t wanna go back to it#I’m sure it’ll be okay once I’m there I just have a lot of physical symptoms rn#not fun :-)#journal
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Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will
#svsss#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#the fact that people think scum villain#-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction-#is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me#especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater#heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series#he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters#(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy)#I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters#like example off the top of my head-#the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx#I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes#side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me#i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation#but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years#like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right?#being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain#the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too#+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu#as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing)#bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people#another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does#also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be#he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students#and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing#+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this#but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy
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I hate hate HATE when people say I'm "having an attitude" with them, bc I'm literally not until AFTER they say that. And thats not even "an attitude", it's me being annoyed and frustrated bc youre saying im having an attitude when im NOT.
Like what does that even mean. I'm just autistic.
#blah blah blah#vent#like i was just responding to my name being called???? i literally just went “huh?” which i do all the time?????#and when you walk off mumbling shit that i cant hear bc we're dozens of feet away from each other in a loud ass store#and i come over and ask what you wanted#and youre like “i said we'll talk when you drop the attitude” or whatever and have the audacity to smirk at me like its a joke and i have#any idea wtf youre talking about#like i got so frustrated and upset about it that i legit cried for like an hour after that. while still doing my work bc i just wanna get#done and go home.#this is about one of my managers btw. if it wasn't obvious#like shes cool most of the time. but she says shit sometimes that make me wanna quit on the fucking spot
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I swear to God if one more person tells me "Well you look fine" during a flare up or otherwise disabling moment I might just snap. What part of invisible illness doesn't register. Do you want me to show you my fucked up organs??? Do you wanna see em??? Is that what itll take for you to admit im not healthy???? Augh.
#i called oit yesterday but was able to walk arpund and be fine today and my coworker told me that i look3d fine implying i was lying yesterd#ay and it just really fuckin sent me tbh. like bro am i not allowed to have good days after bad days?? what??#having an invisible illness is impossible. if im displaying symptoms im faking it. if im not displaying symptoms then i was clearly lying.#if i go to work while sick then im clearly not actually in thay mich pain#if i call out then im just being lazy#etc etc etc#like i am seconds away from quitting of i get one more passive agressive comment abt not actually being sick#i literally threw up and collapsed from pain yesterday. just bc i can walk tpday doesnt mean im lying. fuck off.#aughghggh#bred.txt#vent#vent post#rant#young disabled#actually disabled#physically disabled#ableism#disability#cripple punk#cpunk
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So.. this absolutely wasn't meant to be posted AT ALL as it was supposed to be just another short doodle but
well.. um
yeah
have an additional sketch as well
#my art#felix#ocs#artists on tumblr#this was completely self-indulgent#this wasn't actually done with my normal set up but instead with a cheap tiny tablet and krita on another laptop#which was not meant to be used for a full piece#but i guess i got used to drawing on it after 200 doodle layers#but still i am highly unfamiliar with the program especially when it comes to coloring#but still! came out quite good ignoring all the things i sped through because again#wasn't meant to be posted#anyway this was inspired by a song i found like two days ago and to keep my motivation to finish this i listened to it for 3 hours straight#while drawing#it worked#also yeah it's the catboy he's the victim of my wrath atm#the context of this is that a hero had overworked his sidekick and a villain took advantage of it by lowkey mindcontrolling them :v#miraculous style#his temp theme is being eepy#in their villain arc the first thing they did was f*ck off for a month and get some proper rest#goals ngl#also the catboy keeps rotating his prononuns like rotisserie chicken and i think at this point i should just give up and go for any pronoun#this thang wasn't made to contain gender#and i keep writing catboy bcs catperson is a little bit awkward i think unless you're literally describing them#also catboy is funnier
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#my fatal flaw is actually that i will never actually give anyone consequences for treating me like shit#like. you could stab me and i’d probably apologize to you#i got an uber bc i really didn’t want to wait 45min for the bus (plus the hour bus ride)#and like i literally hadn’t even buckled my seatbelt before the driver started complaining to me about how he’s losing so much money on#this trip and how lyft is screwing him over and that i should tip him $10 for his troubles and like.#i asked him if he wanted me to get out and find another one and he just kept avoiding the question#while still telling me how much this trip was costing him and quite literally making me feel like shit for requesting the ride#and i ended up changing the drop off location to somewhere that was like. closer bc i just didn’t want to be in the car anymore#and after i did that he was still going#like. i’m sitting in the back of his car on the fucking highway getting berated bc i just wanted to fucking go home after work#and you know what i did?#gave him 5 stars and 25% tip bc ‘well he shouldn’t lose his job just bc i had a bad experience’#but now im sitting here at a mall waiting for my mom to come pick me up and trying not to cry#and i wish i would’ve like. given a truthful ride review or just skipped it bc like#no i don’t want him to lose his job and if i give him one star he possibly could#but also that guy was literally being a massive dick to me and i literally tipped him for it.#i want to be a nice person always but like. i think sometimes me being nice is just letting ppl do whatever the want and being complacent#and i fucking hate it#after like a while of him going on i stopped him and was like#hey man i get its tough and i feel for you but it’s not my fault and i really don’t feel like talking rn#so im gonna put my headphones in#and this motherfucker goes ‘umm ok i mean thats kind of awkward but ok’#LIKE YOU DIDNT MAKE IT AWKWARD THE MOMENT I GOT IN YOUR CAR#expect maybe im overreacting?????????#anyway. um everything is bad and terrible rn and i just wanna go home but ive still got an hour before my mom gets off work :)#if you actually read all of this i 1) am so sorry and 2) literally love u and also im sorry
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buck overcompensating for his crush on eddie, by being bitchy to him. we love to see it <3
#‘you wanted us to bond we might end up real close’ 🫢#fuckin chim with the ‘now that’s a beautiful man’ imaooooooooo#THAT being eddie’s introduction and that setting the scene for their relationship#buck is quite literally jealous of eddie bc he thinks he’s hot and super in shape#he’s literally jealous of how he looks GOD#also something about the first time they work one on one it’s the guy with the grenade#something something explosive chemistry#with the bomb literally going off after the whole having each others backs flirt fest#like !!!!!#‘me? 😳’ evan buckley i am calling you a slur#also hiii i’m catching up on my shows bc i dropped off imao#911 i love you dearly but you are STRESSFUL!!!#all the earthquake shit got my heart pounding#chris!!!! my baby boy!!#the LOOK on buck’s face when he and eddie are reunited makes me SICK!!!#so many thoughts!! expect to be bombarded with them while i watch imaoooo#gwen rambles#gwenposting#gwen watches stuff
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haiiii question for the masses <333
#this is just a few things. i debated putting adam spends the whole summer wanting to break it off with ronan in here but ended up not#doing it bc while it IS considered ooc 2 me when u look at it straight on (adam would've def taken Everything into consideration before#choosing to start a relationship with ronan) if u look at it like adam is separating his academic and personal life and convincing himself#he can't have both or not allowing himself to accept happiness that does not come with pain or being too scared of the different directions#ronan and adam were going in and deciding to break it off bc he felt like eventually it would stop working anyway and he thought it was#best to end it now bc it would hurt less than ending it after a couple more years or even growing apart would...alas we do not get this#insight it is quite literally what i THINK was going on with adam and probably not actually what it meant. if maggie meant for option 1 to#be the truth then i consider it ooc. for the small chance that maggie meant for option 2 and just didn't rlly manage to make it come across#as explicitly so then it is not ooc i actually think that would be very like the adam i know so i didn't include it. and the poll was full#anyways. also there is a lot of declan ooc moments........#tfw u ask ur mom if u can have declan lynch & she says we have declan lynch @home & then the declan lynch @home is declan lynch in gw 😐#trc#dreamer trilogy#polls#SORRY i know all the gw dunking days r in the past sort of but i need to know i'm not the only one who thinks this.#greywaren#also sorry for the essay in the tags ✋
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Shift so bad you have to sit on shopfloor until everyone leaves you the fuck alone
#work tag#im home now but i did sit on the floor for a good ten minutes after everything went to sht#cus im sick of every shift being awful and everyone being dismissive 'oh [ace] is fine she can handle it' stop saying that no i cant!#im not team lead ive not even been there a year yet everyone on front counter was expecting me to solve their problems#while middle actively fcked us over as if that wasnt stressing me out as well without their added stress#suddenly everyone backed the fck off after i got teary and had to sit on the floor#i may be a lil hormonal but sht always psses me off there lately its why im quitting
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i feel conflicted abt my relationship...need advice etc . in tags . pls i need input sm
#i love my gf a lot and i think our relationship is doing rly good rn . i miss her a lot bc im in a diff country to her but ill see her#in a few weeks etc. anyway things are good....HOWERVER. i am worried abt . our future#like u are supposed to live in the moment and have fun and be young etc etc but this is like..the fact that its going well#is making me consider how our life paths would go tgth and if it would be fair to stay in a relationship u know wont work forever. like#this was one of the reasons why i felt hesitant at first etc. basically i swore to myself i would only date an academic or at least someone#who like. has. A Thing. that they are working towards that they are rly rly passionate abt. bc i thought it just wouldnt work out otherwise#and it seemed after a while of talking that she IS like that...shes applying for a graphic design degree and she seems to genuinely#love art etc so much and also she is amazing at it. HOWRVER...she hasnt drawn in a while#and is working a min wage job despite meaning to quit for ages...and as far as im aware#she still hasnt made a portfolio...etc etc. but im so confused bc like...shes great and ik she can do it i just dont#understand why she wont. she could also get an internship etc in the relevant field but i still dont get it...and its not my place to be#pushy abt it. like i already suggested these things and asked abt them but i dont want to ask any more bc like. its her choice#what she does w her life etc. but anyway its like...am i being pessimistic/impatient and everything is gonna#go well for her or do i hold genuine concerns. and if the latter/both potentially...is it unfair to be like#hey babe ik things are amazing rn but we have to reevaluate bc idk if in 10 yrs i would be happy w where we are#my friend was like. Break Up W Her from the beginning bc he thinks u shouldn't get into a relationship w smn whom you think will not also#elevate u in some way..and ur life paths dont align etc...but he is genuinely married to his academics like hes sworn off#love so i didnt rly listen bc hes rly extreme w his. love gets in the way of academics. etc#but also his point was valid i think? that you want the person u spend ur life w to elevate you. u want them to challenge you and make you#want to work harder and be better and achieve more and more...and i do want that and i have been trying to be that for them#but A) i can only be that to a reasonable extent for them before it starts being like nagging/being pushy and#B) i feel like if they end up going the way they are rn they can never be that for me. is that bad#like am i a horrible person for thinking this way. obviously i am not casting a moral judgement on her or anyone#for whatever path in life they choose to go down but also is it like...Silly to give up on a perfectly good#relationship bc ur like. as it stands i do not see you walking alongside me in 10 yrs etc#like im lich rally 20 . but what if it DOES end up going rly well and it DOES end up being thr case that we end up staying together#and then im like. feeling discouraged bc my partner in life is just not the kind of person i imagined being w when i was 19 or 20...#like in terms of careers etc. more importantly is this a discussion i should have w her . bc i literally do not know how to raise this#without sounding like a dick but is that bc i...am being a dick? is this a bad thing ?? is this thought not that of a good person ?#it sounds so WEIRD to be like hey babe either u have to start being more ambitious and insane abt ur art or i might break up w you. like :/
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oh god
#(he really is being more open with her about his feelings and i love that so much like he really did listen and learn i'm PROUD)#the way this is obviously such a valid fear for anyone but it's especially valid for him considering everything he's gone through#but it's also crazy how he's voicing it now; after being in life or death situations so often; after nearly losing her SEVERAL times#as partners and even after they got together#it's like the full force of how much he loves her is only just hitting him; like the thought of 'taking the ring off' and 'moving on'#is making him think about the....bigger picture? about the long term; the future and how much he needs her to be part of it#he's suddenly looking into the future and all he can do is worry about what ifs#(because he's never been one to plan for his future really has he - it was get to the rj end goal and then --#and now he's kind of been drifting; kind of unsure of what he wants to do - like floating the idea of quitting but not having an alt plan)#but she's right there reminding him to focus on the here and now and that's --#she was there with him while he worked through his past and she's sure as hell planning on being there with him in their future#but she's not going to let him get lost in either direction because they need to live in the present and the present is very very good#idk i'm just obsessed with them#tm
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goddd i’d rather burst into flames than go to work today...
#my company has this bullshit thing where corporate wants to make absolutely certain no one gets overtime for awhile after the holidays#so that means that if someone calls off sick no one can be called in to replace them#and. as is the case right now. if an employee quits on the spot. no one can fill in their shifts.#shifts which are scheduled two weeks in advance.#so for the next two weeks corporate's forcing us to pick up the slack without actually letting us call for any help#which. resulted in me being the only cashier yesterday while the store was crowded with ppl panic-buying bc it was going to snow#and which is the reason why i'm stuck working the maximum amount of hours they're allowed to ask me to work for the next two weeks AT LEAST#i'm just. ugh. i want to explode. i want to spontaneously combust.
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said i would not talk about cwilbur death yet here i am collecting things so i can draw a the best (worst) place he couldve been stabbed.
#trying to figure out what would be the quickest death where his ribs wouldnt have gotten in the way#unfortunately the heart is protected by the rib cage and the lungs are not actually ideal#but the stomach. youd bleed out. which is not the best way to go nor is it the quickest#its a very vascular area but bleeding out from an abdominal wound takes way too long#if we look at the video to see when wilbur stopped speaking (so we can presume that he is in fact dead at that point despite having actuall#been killed a few seconds earlier) then there was only a few seconds where he was speaking to phil after being stabbed but before shuffling#off this mortal coil#which is difficult for me because that could be a botched injury to the throat as long as the larynx and such remained in tact. however it#would be kinda hard to fuck it up in that specific way. it would have to be a very delicate cut and that just does not fly in this scenario#phil is shorter than wilbur whcih helps me cause if they were standing then it would be pretty easy for him to go under wilburs ribs but th#at only works to a certain point so a punctured lung is looking like my best option yeah? but no cause that can actually take a while to ki#ll you. depending on circumstance.#what phil would be going for is a quick death. unless of course he wanted to try and do something more mild in an attempt to save him later#which is a perfectly fine possibility but it maes my job harder so im gonna say that he was trying togive will a quick death#so the heart. the carotid artery. or the trachea#i hc the arm wound as being an attempt at cutting his brachial artery#which can kill you in as little as two minutes#but its not quite what him looking for
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Slight Flutter dust redesign!
Bonus forbidden Flutter dust eyes
#keese draws#oc posting#oc art#oc#ocs#girlie who is sooo normal (lying)#for context on her eyes when ari was beheaded and the council tried to extract its power it didn’t quite work out as it pretty much#immediately tried to find a new vessel as soon as they crossed into their home world#it didn’t immediately because ari wasn’t technically fully dead so it was ready to go back to them if they lived#but since it was fully cut off it just moved to its next random child around the right age#which happened to be flutter dust in this case#this sort of power is not at all the sort of thing the folk of this world are built to handle so flutter dust had a pretty rough time#she generally just had a hard time controlling it and she was stuck with the ever present fear of being labeled a threat and disposed of#now somewhat luckily for her with magic becoming more common she wasn’t immediately clocked as the person who inherited this power#but she was still under threat by local government and after her mom mysteriously died her paranoia got to her and she ran away from home#she would have been around 10 at the time so she was very much. not equipt to handle all the shit she was going through#pretty early on she ran into a teen who had also ran away from home for magic related reasons and the two ended up sticking together#they both fed into each others paranoia a Lot and while they genuinely cared abt each other the teen was. not the best person#he was incredibly controlling and spiteful and saw flutter as the only support he had left and treated her as such despite her being a Child#he himself was like 15 but still not at all an excuse#flutter dust and daisy actually met when they were like 11-12 so like abt 3 years before their main stories start#the two rly got along and would go pick plants and look for bugs and such#but after the teen found out he freaked the fuck out over it thinking daisy would report them both (he was 11 reminder)#and he threatened daisy in front of flutter dust and forced flutter to promise to not see him again#abt 2 years after that the guy started to get way more impulsive and that meshed poorly with his general spitefullness and protectiveness#flutter dust at this point was getting rly scared of him especially with how much more powerful his magic was getting#and in a desperate attempt to keep her only friend tried to confront him which lead to a huge argument that got violent#she tried to use her magic to take one of his magic focuses away from him but accidentally badly injured him the the process#this caused her to freak the fuck out and run away and swear to herself to never use her magic again#that didn’t rly work out though as her magic wasn’t built to be contained and this elad to sharp finding her ad taking her in
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I don’t buy that the entire crew of Voyager would continue on in Starfleet after reaching earth, I think at least half of them quit.
#In my mind these people definitely stay: Janeway / Tom / Harry#I think B'Elanna / Seven / and Chakotay are toss ups but in my mind B'Elanna and Seven eventually do their own thing soon after#B'Elanna would be like 'Hey Seven guess who quit Starfleet again!' and Seven would be added as a party member#I truly do believe in the freelance engineer/explorer B'Elanna with very special guests lifestyle#but that's also bc I'm simply not a B'Elanna/Tom Paris shipper v_v in my canon they are just co-parents. And also Tom gets with Harry#but then Harry breaks up with him too and it's devastating for a while but Tom finds someone eventually and then Tom enters every room#with B&H in it like 'Oh look out babe - I think that's my ex!' (very loudly as a joke) and they're all pals#I don't know Chakotay well enough to determine what he'd do but I most often picture him like:#'No. Fuck that. I like Voyager's crew but Starfleet can kick rocks.' and as soon as he's pardoned for whatever crimes he just fucks off to#live a quiet life somewhere...just doing his own thing....which is totally not being a political rebel :) definitely not breaking laws :)#Tuvok semi-retires for a time to stay at home with his family and then teach but he has a long life to live and I think he'd probably#still be very connected to starfleet v_v#Tuvok says he's going to retire 'for a time' and Janeway's like 'you better not mean 60 years like the first time.'#I know EMH is doing shit but I can't help but imagine B'Elanna keeping him on her like one of those travel companion fairy characters...#not for any character-driven reason but bc it's funny#B'Elanna Seven and the EMH going on adventures...totally not helping Chakotay do anything against very dumb laws#Tom Paris & B'Elanna Torres co-parenting but not being together works well for me because of both their childhood issues#B'Elanna not being able to be with Tom as a romantic partner but NEVER abandoning their daughter & Tom being like a single father but also#a good dad to Miral which he never thought he'd get a chance to be - I just like it v_v#Oh also about the Harry breaking up wtih him thing - I think Harry definitely had a crush on Tom on Voyager but after returning to earth#they slowly realize they work better as friends and with more....options...sometimes you feel less romantically into someone#Harry: What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. / Tom: He means playboy. This man broke my heart v_v <- they're paling around#sometimes a happily ever after with someone is just being able to keep them in your life - even if you're not dating or married#sometimes family isn't nuclear...sometimes family is your ex-wife and her maybe girlfriend and your daughter and your ex-boyfriend and#that borg child your ex-wife's girlfriend keeps tabs on and your boss and an entire crew you used to serve with and NOT YOUR GODDAMN DAD!#NEVER HIM!#anyway I'm done rambling now thank you;;
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None of my silverfin folks are Good, per se- they kill and maim and indulge killing and hurting and a number of them eat that which remains, in the right context. But also they’re friends, u see, and they can be so kind in spite of that. Given the right circumstances.
#lays here and thinks about marrow holding dexter so close and hesitating to let anyone but peipre close#thinks about how peipre does her best to sit and comfort someone that’s too distressed in the area- a casino can be overwhelming after all.#thinks about how phenga holds peipre and yarrow in her arms like she can smooth away the harsh edges of the world. even for just a moment#phenga going to Orion as he gets off work. taking his arm in her own and guiding xem in the late hours of the morning to eat and then to a#room. he doesn’t know her name but that’s the game of it. but somewhere along the line it became more than just a game. she’s so so very in#love with that teal and anybody that sees them at dinner can see it#silverfin putting new rules into place the instant they hear about how marrow almost got killed. it takes a while to work out the kinks in#the new routine but they saw the lines under phenga’s eyes in the nights after and they saw how peipre’s hands shook and they may not be#able to do much but they have to do something to try and keep it from happening again.#yarrow pulling silverfin aside to tell them that she saw their descendant. that she didn’t meet him very well but he exists. that she met#his captain and he’s okay. that silverfin didn’t condemn some poor grub by being in love#peipre leaning to just rest her arm agains marrow’s when he starts getting a bit too tense. a small reminder that she’s here- that if#everything goes wrong he doesn’t have to take it on alone. and sometimes that light contact is enough.#peipre giving dexter a hug and squeezing him tight for a moment. because as much as she tries to prepare there are some things she’s not#sure quite how to say. and maybe if she tries hard enough she can show him anyhow.#yarrow pulling peipre away from work when things start to get to her too much. making her take a moment to just let herself breathe. often#yarrow matches her breathing until she’s calmed down because peipre pats more attention to someone else than herself in times like that#lays facedown on the floor thinking abt these bitches being nice#silverfin casino#peipre#peipre charme#gotta go add that to all her posts sometime#marrow dahlia#khalia yarrow#dibsym argent#silverfin#miss#phenga arionn#Orion pulsar
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