#again like no pressure on anything I dont need the money as much as other ppl do but. i do have some need lmao

[mgsdelta]

being poor is literally so miserable

[horrorshow]

Can you talk about why you think blocking and moving on is a bad thing? I thought it was a way to curate your space and avoid drama

idk maybe i'm too idealistic but fandom is a much more friendlier, welcoming, supportive, creative, engaging, active, diverse and interesting space when it's treated like a community where people are encouraged to participate and talk about their interests and where there's space for niche or more unpopular opinions without these people having to worry about being blocked and feel unwelcome by the majority of the fandom they are in. i can't stand how blocking everyone you disagree with has become the first thing to do.

you say its 'to curate your experience'. but blocking people does not only curate YOUR experience. you're also forcefully curating other users' experiences. and not for the better.

people say 'i will block you for literally anything' and then those same people wonder why engagement is down, why no one sends asks, why no one reblogs, why rarely anyone talks in the tags anymore and why this place feels so dead and boring and quiet. i wonder why!!!!

people treat real people as annoying ads they can dispose of at their whim. but that's not how a fandom or a site like tumblr works. (besides, if you really care about people curating their own experience you wouldn't block people. you can filter and blacklist and never see them again while still granting them the same freedom instead of actively making their experience worse.)

you say its to avoid drama. but seeing a post you dont agree with is not 'drama'. and blocking is not solving anything except for you personally. fandom was more fun when we remembered that every user is a real person you share a space with, and probably some mutuals as well, so you find a way to live with each other. starting with a restraining order seems a bit excessive and is not contributing to anything. it's not that hard to be respectful and tolerate others and acknowledge people have different opinions and interests and still co-exist in peace. its not that hard to be nice to people and try to find common ground with them and interact with the stuff you DO like. you do this in every aspect of your real life, so why not online?

i hear you say: 'but that requires WORK and i don't NEED to do any of that bc i can just block them'.

yeah, you can try to create your own bubble and only hang out with like minded people but you wont EVER fully achieve that (no matter how much you block, social media WILL keep feeding you posts you disagree with bc it makes them money). social media WILL pressure you into an 'us vs. them' mentality where you constantly feel like everything online is a threat or an argument you have to win and where being mean and unnuanced gives you the most notes and where you don't even see, let alone be able to treat, other users as people anymore bc you don't interact with them anymore other than to block or fight them. that's not how i want it to be online. it's not fun to me. and maybe i'm a pessimist but i think it will eventually be the death of online fandom and sites like tumblr. look at the state of twitter right now. DOES blocking give you a better experience in the long run? i doubt that it does. overall, i think it makes people even less tolerable and more vulnerable to hate and fear mongering, and social media an even more hostile place.

it's everything i hate about social media and everything i want to fight against and WILL fight against. i won't pretend my meager contribution will change anything, but i LIKE to just scroll past posts i don't vibe with and not see every argument online as a personal offense. it keeps me curious. most posts aren't that bad when you know the person behind it. i mean, you do you, i'm not gonna say what you should or shouldn't do bc that's up to you, but i recommend it: free yourself of the block button and bring back supportive user communities based on a shared love for the same thing and focus on what you have in common with people, just like you would do in real life. save the block button for the rotten apples who DO keep trying to pick fights and exclude others.

(which is, now that i think about it, probably the main difference: most people see the block button as a neutral way to prevent worse. but. that's only the case on an individual level. and treating everything online as an individual choice to which there are no further consequences, especially if they happen on a larger scale, is already a loss.)

[boxheadpaint]

diary post baby. Heavier than usual or at least probably but i dont know or remember a good portion of the things ive ever said about myself on this line. For the normal guys though i had fun making that comic, usually when i get the motivation to make anything in that format i get pretty bummed about it pretty quickly simply because of the paneling

its fun to imagine making dynamic pages of comic panels, but when you have no experience beyond trying to make manga in your teens you mostly just have the squares/rectangles stacked next to eachother. for anyone else this is fine and isnt boring to look at by its nature alone, but for me i always believe that my own work would be too dull and unexciting to eye-catching to even bother reading. trying to just lose that pressure i give myself for a day and make something silly like some animals looking at eachother is nice

one of the things i kept hearing from my own head during the call about The Good News Of Getting Disability Income And Payment For The Time I Wasn't Recieving Benefits, was that i needed to kill myself for some reason. my body reacts badly to experiencing a lot of things, though of course its worst when its negative feelings. not even particularly strong ones, maybe a little nervous or a little mad and it likes to tremble or tense up totally. i dont know why exactly i reacted in this particular way other than the usual "what do you mean i dont need to freak out about this anymore. what am i going to do with all this freaking out juice? just chug it?"

im worried lately that ive built up too much of a tolerance to my sertraline, if thats something that happens. but i dont know for sure, and i dont know what ill do if that is the case. maybe it is still working and i just cant tell because even though its bad things would be much worse if i stopped taking it. it just feels like these days it doesnt do anything to help me feel better or more in control. can i speedrun making it work again by going cold turkey for a week and then getting back on it so my brain is like wow this awfulness stopped after i took this awesome pills.

can i give the money i recieve from social security to someone else to save? is that legal? or do they hunt you down for sport for doing that. what if you wanted to buy a house. or rent a house. Or just fucking live somewhere because these days prices are fucking absurd. ridiculous even.

hey girl, rat piss. hey girl, rat piss. I realize other than the blue puppy video i havent posted anything for pride. partly of anxieties of course, especially given the Great track record of the site withing the past month, but also straight up forgetfulness. I keep forgetting too many things and being too tired to remember. At night though i can do just about anything. I think ill take a nap and then wake up at 2 am to keep drawing. I have things to draw

6/24/2024

[monstress]

hii. if u dont mind, could u please share that "change of attitude" towards journaling? i feel like i really need that.. since i myself changed my attitude towards drawing and have been much more productive and happy doing it this last year. however Writing About Myself its another beast completely.. hope u r having a nice day! 🍃

hope you're having a lovely day as well! anyways as i was typing this up, what starts as a small tidbit has gone off the rails so i suppose this is my blanket advice as a newbie in journaling:

the materials!

choosing the titular journal aka notebook:

soft vs hard cover - i didn't realize this is SUCH a deciding factor until much later. most people prefer soft covers since journals can get massive with use but it's very subjective. be tactile - if it just don't feel right in ur hands, it's not gonna be something u reach out for when u have free time.

size - the most common sizes are A5, A6 or regular aka travelers notebook. you have to think abt who you are as a writer. do u have a large handwriting that takes up pages and pages? do you like space or are you overwhelmed by a blank page? do you travel a lot and do u want something unobtrusive in your bag? choose something that will reasonable work as a part of your daily life.

paper texture - paper that is smooth to write in are a great source of pleasure. notebooks with 100gsm paper is a good benchmark.

price - pleaseeee do not break the bank to purchase a fancy notebook. an expensive notebook can become an unloved one. you'd be too stressed to ensure every entry is perfect and pretty enough and the notebook eventually becomes too intimidating for you to fill in. check out your local hypermarket or online stores for quality notebooks. moleskins are overrated--in my country, they are v v expensive so don't feel pressure to buy a certain stationary just bc you see them often on ig/tiktok like my journal cost me approximately RM10 (USD2.34) and my new one w 100gsm paper cost me RM17 (USD4) like affordable options are out there!

build a connection with your notebook - listen...this sounds strange but having an attachment with your journal and making it inviting as possible is a great source of motivation. personalize it: add stickers, doodle or paint the cover. get a fabric/pvc cover to keep it clean if you'd like (you can add lil papers/stickers on ur actual notebook cover before putting on the pvc cover! very cute and easy)

and your pens:

again: less is more! use any relatively cheap pens you like - be it for the ink or smoothness. if you want to journal a lot, expect to lose a few pens during traveling or just around the house lmao

for fans of darker inks like me, i use Uni-ball Signo Broad, M&G R3 retractable gel pen and my favorite: Faber Castell RX Gel Pen 0.38mm - which cost like RM1.49 (i dont wanna convert - it's change money in america)

final note: i don't use fountain pens so i'm afraid i'm not well-versed enough to advise in that department but i deeply respect (and a little in awe) of journallers who use them 🫡

the tenet!

purpose: what do u plan to use the notebook for? daily journal? art journal? planner? all three? it's your life! live deliciously! since i have a 9-5 job, i know i can't keep up with more than one journal so i've been using mines as a diary and i dump my daily activities/thoughts/reviews of all kinds of media i'm currently obsessed with and it fills up quick!

don't be too hard on yourself: if you missed a day or two of journalling, it's fine - take it back up. write down anything memorable you'd like in the past few days. if you come across a certain blank page your brain is blanking to fill, perhaps after a previous dark entry, skip the page. skip two pages if needed. don't be scared of blank pages. if it needs to be blank, let it be.

it doesn't have to only be words! add stickers, dried flowers, receipts, ticket stubs, other ephemera you collected in the day. be artful! go crazy on page decoration!!

if there's anything you take away from this post, it's this: if you truly want a journal that is used up quickly, do not have plans to share it on social media. personally, i find once you are in the mindset of sharing your journal for an audience's consumption, you get worried whether it's "aesthetic" enough or is it too boring or too ugly or too dark or that you don't upload regularly enough. social media can be inhibiting your creativity or motivation to journal like let your animal brain ruminate in private! stay free from the shackles of responsibility!

[im--tired]

This is controversial.

But as someone who was a trans man for 2 years I feel like I have some place to speak on it.

Bring transgender (and this is not all people but specifically my personal experiences) is based off of gender stereotypes.

I just saw a video on Dylan Mulvaney's new song and I can't say anything has pissed me off more. There is no such thing as a concrete slate of what a woman is. A woman can be a nurse but she could also be a plumber, which we all know. But how womanhood in these terms tends to be portrayed as harmful stereotypes that can harm biological women. I have no issue with whatever these people's lives are but to say that biological women are just bleeders that give birth (which some of us dont even get periods and are infertile) but then go and say that you have to "learn the basics" even though you literally just said they're wasn't anything that makes a woman a woman.

I'm sorry for my language, but what the fuck?

I'm exhausted of how this is going. And for me to sit over here and watch, mind you, literal children, be influenced by this and think to be a woman you have to be like this and to be a man you have to be like this and if you're not in either explicit rules then you're something else.

Dosen't that literally go against everything we've tried to fix as a society? I'm not a man but I have many male friends so I'm aware that if a man were to wear a dress or whatever is considered feminine he'd be called gay and said no woman would ever like him. Obviously I'm not a man but I have heard things along those lines before.

My point is, the only reason transgender exists is because of harmful gender stereotypes we've created since the beginning of society. I'm a history nerd and you can make the argument that there was gender discriminatory in hunter-gatherer times but I'm pretty sure our ancestors just new that men were biologically stronger than women. Specifically within the Ancient Rome and Greece it is known that women had practically no rights, it's a whole thing but I'm not going to get into that because this will be much longer than it needs to be.

Just think about it. Like you're the exact same person, just with different genitals. Is it really worth all the money? And if so, why?It's just a vagina or a penis it's not much of a difference.

And I'll tell you how I know. I got sick and tired of how I looked because I was "too masculine" with my blunt eyebrows, square face, and muscular bone structure. It's not even like I was extremely muscular either (of which I am now significantly more than I was at the time because I've come to embrace that part of myself). I also had a slight mustache, because body hair is, NORMAL, and my mom kept nagging me about my body hair (My mom is an amazing woman so don't say anything rude about her, it's just unfortunately how our society works). So I became trans. It felt as though all my problems had dissapeared and all I had to worry about was correcting people and changing my name. But it soon became hard. I realized how feminine I actually was and hated every part of it. Not to mention a lot of my friends are part of the LGBTQ+ and I can't explain how absolutely terrified I was to tell them. I got the "Oh are you sure it wasn't your parents or peers pressuring you into it" amongst lots if other things. It was hard for me to actually be myself when I had been hiding behind a person I created just because I hated certain parts of my personality, looks or interests for being "too masculine".

It has been said so many times and I'll say it again. The issue does not lie with people being transgender or anything under the umbrella (I don't care what you have in your pants or what your pronouns are I'll respect it because it has nothing to do with me) it has to lie with gender roles, expectations, culture etc. Its good to preserve history and culture, but some needs to be changed for the good.

Theres so many more details I could add to this to explain it more but these are just the basics. If anyone has questions onto why I have this opinion or need for more information don't hesitate to ask.

And also just remember I'm just someone on the internet so if you dont agree with my opinion feel free to rip my face off in the comments but it's really a waste of your time.

[pumakaji64]

i suffer from this annoying problem you see-

i want to do more, i really think i do- but i just feel so confined by my current living situation where i am consantnly around my family- you see in 2020 my father mother and eldest sister had to move in with my older sister and i because of covid costing my parents their jobs- i wasn't exactly doing stellar before this but i was feeling like i was starting to get a handle on my life and starting to figure important things out- but since the move i feel like ive had to put that all on halt......

i stopped going to online therapy because i have no privacy to do so and feel safe because if i wanted to get any real progress id have to talk about my family and my childhood whici i do NOT want any of them hearing about and i cant go physically because i cant drive and i dont want to waste more gas and the time of the others- i stopped drawing because i have no privacy to safely express myself without their eyes unless if i lock myself in my room which they will judge me for and now my dominant hand is permanantly injured making it painful to draw unless im careful about it- i am confined downstairs in the living room most of the time because i need to watch my dog (this is on me though I can accept that) so i feel like i have no space for myself and when i take leisure time feel nothing but guilt everytime my family comes by- they love teasing me over the dog too saying i dont do enough i dont know how much theyre joking i already feel like shit all the time so i dont really appreciate the jabs- being on here is the one consistant thing i can muster up enough energy to do- but even so not without constant guilt- most days off dont feel like much of anything.

its hard even to engage in my interests anymore- dont have the time, dont have the energy, dont have the privacy, dont have the intelligence, dont have the confidence, idk... just been tough lately i guess.

not even my room offers much respite- my parents room is right across and they love to keep their door open- i feel them watching everytime i go in

i feel stuck

i feel like im wasting my life

i feel like i will never get out of here

i do not know what to do

i dont think theres even anything waiting for me even if i can

tw suicide talk

i cant go back to school because i have no idea what i want to do with my life- theres so much pressure for me to be succesful and each day i feel like more and more of a failure- and i know if i try and fail again i might end up trying to kill myself like i did last time

but to be honest i know i cant even kill myself because i know the cost of a funeral wont be worht it and because im too much of a coward to do so

but staying alive isnt much better when you feel like a constant financial drain and worthless layabout all the time

and everytime i think i find some sort of plan or some way out its like a carrot on a stick thats tugged away from me like a joke

it's so funny- i was openyl gushing about how hopeful i felt and now realitys crashing back down once again! there's no getting out of here.

to make it all worse this year has been terrible for me healthwise- im falling apart in so many ways and i feel even worse about being a waste of money-

i dont feel like i can talk to any of them about how awful i feel- most of the time any attempt to do so ends poorly and even when it doesnt nothing changes- i dont know where to make heads or tails of it all- i know im to blame for a lot of my own issues i know i overreact and take things too personally- i feel like i paint an unfair picture of them sometimes but eveyr day feels harder to keep on going- i already struggled with doing basic shit to take care of myself but recently it feels impossible

they did always say i just dont care enough- either its always been true or at some point became it.

i dont want to go to my stupid fucking job that bores the shit out of me- but i have to- i have to be of use somehow- i didnt sleep last night- i dont want to go to work because when im at work i just think about all the things i could be doing- actually useful or fufilling things i know i wont do on my day off despite how badly i wish i was while at my job

but i have to- it's almost time- so i guess i will.

whats the point of writing all of this- a cry for help maybe? pity seeking maybe even if i try to deny it over and over- i guess im just nearing my breaking point- something about these ast few months have been really grueling lately- again probably to do with all the suddent medical issues and the fact that my 20's are halfway done and i have nothing of worth to show for it- i dont know what to do i dont think im ever escaping this place and maybe thats for the best

I’m not a good person- I have all the same horrible traits they do. I just hide it on here to appear more likable.

im 25- its too late- ive wasted my entire life- it was always going to end this way everyone whose ever knwon me could see it thats why they all gave up on me- i did too. theres no point in prentending i can be fixed and wasting any more money. i feel like a ghost in this house watching life pass by. i feel like a stupid child trapped in an adults body.

i dont know what to do anymore-everything feels like sawdust.

But I’ll be fine… I’m numbing it all out. I don’t feel enough to want to hurt myself this time. like i said i have to go to work soon

im going to go downstairs and my mother will see my horribly messy hair and she'll make some annoyed comment about me needing to brush and ask me to run my fingers throught the tangles and we'll go to work. and i'll tell stupid jokes to try to make her smile because its the least i can do.

despite it all i love them still- but some days i wish i could love them from a safe distance.

im tempted to delete this like i do with all my breakdowns that i post on blogs that arent my vent blog but i think i'll keep this one up- because deep down i think i do want some advice or help or something- i cant keep living like this. i dont know what to do to stop. i just wish i had more to offer in return.

or maybe i just need to yell- whatever- doesnt matter- i'll go back to my usual postings on both of my active blogs regardless of whatever happens after this post-im sure i'll regret it later and try to just ingore this and hope you all too but it's like 4 am so whose even gonna see this lol

[theretirementstory]

Bonjour et bienvenue, the temperature is 22c and we are due 31c. The weather has been changeable with thunderstorms in the morning and sunshine in the afternoon. Not that I was complaining, we needed the rain for the gardens and of course I needed the sunshine to dry my washing 😂.

The grass is full of dandelion leaves, clover and numerous other weeds and the weeds in the borders had grown so fast too! I went out to weed the borders as the soil was still damp and it was quite easy to remove them. I also deadheaded the hydrangeas and cut the lavender back, both of these tasks seem to have been exactly what was needed and everything looks so much healthier.

The above photograph is a look back to the beginning of May, when I was planning a visit to the UK, however four days later those plans were turned on their heads when I was admitted to hospital. In ten days I will be admitted to hospital again staying possibly another 4 weeks, I just keep telling myself that the sooner this stage of the treatment is started the sooner it will be finished.

I have been to the hospital for appointments with the cardiologist and pulmonologist. They told me everything was fine, would they have told me otherwise 🤔. I have also been sorting out payments due while I am in hospital.

I also had to go to the “Maison de Sante” for the transport vouchers for the upcoming hospital appointments. I was told to turn up on Wednesday. I arrived and the forms were there but not signed by the doctor. I sat for an hour while the doctor kept taking in his patients, in the end I interrupted his call for the next patient and asked him to sign the forms. The receptionist who dealt with me is the one who told me off for not speaking/understanding French and to be honest why couldn’t she have gone and asked the doctor to sign the forms for me? She was too busy having a conversation with someone who had “dropped in” with some homegrown vegetables and playing with the young child he had with him 🙄. I think you can tell I was not pleased with the service, it really did nothing for my blood pressure and I was pleased to get outside to “cool down”.

I went to Vendeuvre-sur-Barse again on Monday and I did think I wouldn’t have time for photos but as I had only photographed the chateau from the back I walked up the road to photograph it from the front. Although it is temporarily closed it does look pretty good from the front (see below).

Monique came to see me and she is going to contact sociale assistance about getting me a lady to clean the house. For the month following my hospitalisation I am not allowed to do anything other than light work.

Anie messaged to ask if I would like some mirabelle plums and to share à mirabelle tarte she had just made. Well who could resist that offer? Not me! I have mirabelles in the freezer and I also made a crumble which was very tasty.

My neighbours returned from holiday and brought me a lovely gift. They were pleased to see me looking so well and I was pleased to hear about their holiday.

“The Daddy” liked the music part of last weeks blog, so I have been thinking about other songs which have been important to me. Back in the 1960’s buying a couple of 7” singles was not cheap and obviously to get your money’s worth you would play both sides. So one song this week is a B side, it’s title is Everything Is Meant To Be by Cupids Inspiration, the A side was My World but even today I prefer the B side. The other song is from the 1970’s, it’s Sweet Illusion by Junior Campbell. I remember when my children were younger and we used to sing along to CD’s in the car, they always asked me why I “sang” the instrument parts of songs, well the reason is not only does a good song have great lyrics but for me it has to have a brilliant tune too.

My new passport arrived, I only applied on the first of this month and it was delivered to me in just over two weeks, amazing! I now dont feel that I am “lost” in France.

I do hope that I have time to be outside taking some photos next week, if I don’t manage it, we will have to view more photos from earlier in the year.

It doesn’t sound like a very busy week but believe me in between those appointments I have had to do the usual washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, shopping and resting plus making time to ring friends who are happy to talk for an hour at a time! It is good though as I don’t see a day as a long period of time to fill, I can certainly fill it!

Jusqu’à la semaine prochaine.

[lnane]

zero pressure to explain this to my american ass if you dont have the energy, but like.

whats sweden like, as someone who lives there? im always fascinated to hear about other parts of the world from the people who know them best, and i dont hear much about sweden in general, so ive got a lot to learn.

if thats too broad of a question, some suggestions: how do you feel about the weather, or the politics, or the holidays?

whats a nuisance yall joke about (like, over here in usamerica, its usually the military-industrial complex, or costly healthcare)?

or, whats something unique about sweden, or something that you think more people should know about it?

well we can do this in order of things that pop in my head, very disorganized.

to start of with weather: its getting too hot. the weather is actually pretty comfortable most of the time, and these last summers have been the best ive managed in my experience with heat, but you can tell by the climate that its too hot. its too dry, and theres very little snow during winter. its still cold as fuck, but no snow somehow. I wish it rained more. but on a day to day basis, weathers comfy. A bit windy sometime.

holidays i got very little thoughts on myself. theres a few of them and most are just days off. Im not too fond of the way we celebrate them but then again ive only been allowed to and wanted to drink for 2 years worth of them, so i havent gotten into it yet (yea alcohol is the biggest reason we actually still celebrate things i think)

politics is a fucking hellscape rn. the barely disguised neo-nazi party recently got the most amount of votes in the election so the right wing parties is in control. Theyve already started talking dumb shit about climate politics and immigrants. Not looking up. Beyond that i dont know much about the political landscape.

I dont know what a typical swede complains or jokes about because i dont hang out with a lot of them. I know gas prices is a common thing right now. We also have a trend in comedy calling norwegians idiots, which doesnt make sense because we hate denmark way more.

Its hard to say whats unique or special bout sweden because to be all of it is normal. Only real things you need to know is 1. if a swede tries to claim they cant speak english with you, only plausible conlusion is that they didnt finish middleschool (passing grade in english is mandatory), 2. anything that is a traditional swedish meal is pretty much garbage. Its mostly mildly spiced meat, potatoes, and some sauce similar to gravy.

I guess one thing thats a big difference from the american perspective is how our education looks through the years. First 9 are mandatory, ages 7-15 grade 1-9, in stages called Low, Middle, and High stage. After that, you legally have the choice to keep studying or to do something else (socially and economically you dont have that chocie), and at that point you choose your own education. The most common ones being things like Civics, Naturesciences, Technology, and Fine Arts (Art, Dance, Photo, Music, and theatre). Theres a bunch more but these the top picks. Usually lasts 3 years which after you should be around 18 years old and most of the time expected to apply for uni. And during that time you do get money for going to school (seperate from loans, and not a lot of money).

I can probably provide some more detailed information about what its like here with questions about specific parts, but keep in mind that i also know very little about this country. I just live here

[supercutpenguin]

"younger siblings of course have it easy!" "you'll never understand what it feels like to be the oldest sister" of course I don't understand. because being the younger sister meant i worshipped my elder sister as a baby until one day she decided she was too old for me, going from my best friend to someone who wanted nothing to do with me. of course I don't understand the stress of being a responsible child, because when my sister dealt with it, she physically harassed me in ways so creatively cruel. of course i don't understand dealing with pressure to be a perfect example for others, because instead my sister ruined her life in every way possible, ran after every vice and addiction, piling up double the expectations for an extraordinary child onto the younger one. while the elder sister smoked and wasted money on clothes and drinks and boys, as if our dad didn't work 19 hours a day for it, i was the one who studied as much as i could, aimed for as high as possible, and showed up for my parents when they needed me. and despite forgiving her time and again for being the disappointment that she is, the elder sister is stubborn of course- a defining characteristic- she will never agree to change. she cared so much about the younger one, of course she would do anything to ruin my life out of jealousy and spite. of course the elder one protects the younger, that's why she's attacked me in every way possible my whole life. of course the elder one loves to treat the younger, that's why she has made continuous attempts to ruin my life.

istg, if one more older sister tells me i dont understand, even though i never said i did, then i'll scream. because you will never understand the trauma of the younger one. you selfish, self-hating, pitiful women. don't blame your shortcomings, your lack of hard work and empathy for our parents, on us younger ones. all your pain of being "the oldest sister" would've been yours to claim if you hadn't passed it on to the youngers.

[momiamtired]

i think this world just plays sick jokes with me. i really dont think i will be able to survive if ill continue to live like this. its not that bad i mean i have water, food, house, im studying. its just that i know what i could have. its unfair. i cant believe how unfair this world is. i know some people struggle much more but tbh i cant give a shit ab other people right now. my mental health was awful even before going to this country but right now i just cant believe how awful this all idea with abroad education could be. i had so much hope of going to see my family this summer, to see my cat, my friends, my friends who are able to come to my country only this summer. i just want to be a kid again. i just want to be free again. i just want to be happy again. im tired of all of this im tired so so so much. i have my finals soon. i guess i wont be able to even smile at that period. i miss my previous life. i never thought this all could become like this, my mind is going crazy too. my dad had ocd and it inherited to me ig so i always struggled with anxiety. now my mind tries to explain everythhing that happens to me with some logic or pattern and it feels like im going crazy. i pray every night even tho i dont believe in god. its just my mind trying to tell me that this world can not be that cruel and 100% there is some explanation to what is happening to me. i remember last time i experienced something like this when i was 15 and war only started and i would sit all day in my phone constantly and i cried a lot. i hated my life there bc i didnt do anything except sitting in the phone all time and i lived like this for 2 month i believe? i guess the situation rn is not that bad. i play games with my friends, i have money and tasty food and i dont feel like a failure like i lfelt back there. it just for some reason when things start to get a tiny little bit better to me for some reason everything is ruining and things get so bad that i literraly want to kill myself. i may be too confidant saying this but i believe that if i get some more pressure on my life i will do it. i just cant keep living like this. i met a boy recently and everything was so good. it was one of little to no good moments i experienced here. then he started ignoring me. i have an awful self esteem, i never had a bf or been ignored by guys. i guess i see myself as absolute trash ugly cow and then for some reason be surprised seeing boys not paying me that much attention. then i got a letter that i need to do my biometrics. basically it means that i cant go home anymore. fuck there is car in front of my house i swear to god is this is my roommate i would believe that god is real and he is a fucking satan. i want to pee really bad too and my other roommate washing rn. with her bestfriend waiting for her in her room. i want friends too. she is listening to some pop music. i hate americans i wish they all could die. why some peopel experience what i experience and some of them live like this. i will never believe that she had troubles at least as bad as i had. i know it sounds like im some kind of a slave and pity myself but this is true. and i pity myself. i guess its normal to pity myself when the whole world is just fucking ur ass like a monster. anyways, i cant go back to my country(my only chanse of being happy in this year and the reason why i keep wking up), i hate myself, i hate my appearence, i hate all people around me, im jealous of all of them even when its something small, im failing all of my classes, i dont have friends, the only boy i thopught i was good enough for and we had a good time and i genuanly liked him just ignored me and i decided to give him another chance and we are supposed to meet tomorrow but he said he will tell me when yesterday at the evening or today in the morning and he didnt tell me anything so i guess i lost him too, i have severe anxiety, i have money anxiety?, i dont know english and every time i speak with someone i feel so embarresed bc i always thinks i did something wrong or said something so they think

[ihavenothingtodo10220]

100% agree and i do like reading others opinions sometimes as well other times i might browse websites and be like who cares?

fr its just out of hand nowadays ik idol groups rely on their fans for a lot of their success so its basically supply and demand is it not? they supply brief distraction from the problems among the world but fans have to unfortunately pay a fortune to merely interact with them. i mean if u go back to other eras the 50s for exampke elvis concerts used to only cost $1.50 and nowadays if you had to pay a fortune to witness a music group interact with fans via fan call its not worth it for older fans. its such a rip off. id lowkey wouldve preferred the 50s pay even tho it wasnt perfect by no means bc of what was going on at the time. but the way prices are is just obscene. its almost too much in large quantities like the industries are just pushing whatever out people are buying it over and over again. wheres the logic and common sense in any of it? im sure the idols are also going to eventually get fed up with all their extra work that they have to do to secure a loyal fan base but im finding even if i like one grouo its mainly briefly cause im not putting money into their career if that makes sense? i dont feel like i owe them a penny just to be entertained but at the same time theres still pressure to spend on groups and artists bc everyone has to belong to some type of clique to fit in. its like we cant just simply like a song or a group and we cant dislike a song or a group without some type of backlash either.

even hobbies are becoming an overconsumption too in the sense that instead of people doing them for fun theyre doing it for views clicks subscribes and comments.

I agree that you shouldn't have to pay a fortune to interact but at the same time, it's understandable. There are millions of fans for one group worldwide, and they need to be more selective since everyone's trying to meet their idols. It's more competitive than anything. And idols are rarely seen in public if at all nowadays, so it's even harder. And the fifties were also generally cheaper in everything, that's certain, but at the exact same time, it's cheaper because of their current economic and cultural significance. Twenty-five cents was worth more than because of their economy back then, and the pay was smaller because of it. And I generally think the idols and their company aren't to blame because, at the end of the day, it's their job that they're trying to live off of and sustain themselves and the company. I really blame the toxic 'fans' paying thousands and buying hundreds of items to win a fan call, and therefore making it so it's near impossible for others to do so without matching that. Toxic 'fans' who come for people just because they don't like a particular song or group. Hell, some toxic 'fans' come for group members or groups who interact with their faves. Really, it's more of a fanbase thing than an idol problem. And with the extra events, idols knew what they were getting themselves into. It's like any other job, essentially. They get paid and get to meet and talk to fans, who're paying to see them. They get paid to dance and perform and be on their game for a concert, as well as put on a show for their fans and make sure it's a nice environment. It's a give-and-take, basically. Just like how actors and models get paid a lot for what they do, artists do the same things in a sense. I think nowadays concert tickets are more expensive because nowadays people are doing more in those concerts. The venues are larger, they're flying farther, they're dancing and singing all at once, while also doing fan events everywhere they go, it's bound to be draining for the artists. We're paying for an experience, labor, travel, and the staffing for the event as well as the time and thought put into it, and the time of the makeup artists and stylists and people of that nature.

Though, I agree with you. It's not affordable for the average person to go to a concert. Though...It's kind of like going to an amusement park in a sense. You save, and plan, and pay. You're paying for the experience, the entertainment, etc. I feel like at the end of the day it depends on the person. Like you're not catching me at Disney World because that's not my cup of tea, but other people see those crazy ass prices as worth it, and those are the people it's catered towards.

But again, it's still really really expensive.

[narwhalandchill]

anyway uhh jokes and the mayhem aside i am. not looking forward to the eminent discourse and the hsr vs genshin situation flaring up again thanks to W + ratio incident.

(ensuing ramble dont mind me)

and like. for me im kinda like? idk not distraught enough to call myself torn or anything but it sure is a bit of a Huh moment to look at the way hsr operates w the community and all compared to genshin.

btw i have no like great morsels of wisdom here im just word vomiting some thoughts lmao

but like. logically (or should i say. rational- *GUNSHOT*) and purely from i guess the "hoyo" slash business pov. its 2 different games from different teams that belong to different genres and operate in vastly distinct environments in terms of like. competition and player retention. a turn based game like hsr isnt the kind of like. groundbreaking juggernaut that genshin was and is to this day (like. the famous "genshin killers" wya lmao). so to a certain extent at least its like. i can see how it affects this stuff i guess. genshin to this day hasnt felt the true pressure and need to care abt the community the way hsr is clearly angling more for.

but also imagine genuinely whiteknighting the genshin side of things to just settle for that excuse alone WDJWJKJWDKWD no fucking way 💀 like. that is Not the point im making at all. bc there comes a certain point where its just. yeah theres arguments to be made abt how the games differ and how hsr incentivizes pulling for and makes more new 5* charas and has no open world so needing to distribute f2p pulls thru other means is a must etc etc etc. but theres a point where that just falls flat.

and while i do agree the genshin community can strike up shitstorms that are more about outrage than anything substantial like. first anniversary with google classroom and all of that being a good example. but having Been there. while it was taken too far at points the reality of that saga always was about the cumulative community feeling hitting its breaking point. it was a lot of things accumulating and piling up in terms of frustration that led up to that 2.1 meltdown and honestly hoyo can only blame themselves. no need to relive that one too much my point just is that while for me (at least for now) im not feeling any of that like. deep hollow disappointment at realizing genshin will never truly beat (and arguably, i dont rly think its ever wanted to) the allegation of. the hsr team just being allowed much more freedom in terms of fostering goodwill w the community and stuff. i can still genuinely understand if this ratio thing for hsr ends up becoming another final straw for that feeling to rise up again for some genshin players. bc just like 2.1 this too is a cumulative thing. hsr is getting new gamemodes. constant massive QoL. freebies and limited-time events with permanent story and gameplay content. responding to and addressing tons of player complaints. genshin is... attempting some QoL? a tiny bit? like its just a whole situation.

and that feeling genuinely sucks. obviously dont attack random people like the cast or minor devs with no executive power or google classroom. or fuel this whole hsr vs genshin tribalism thats apparently athing. thats so stupid. fuck off. if i see another assassination attempt on dawei bc of hsr getting free fucking ratio i dont even know what to say 💀

but still its easy to be all "wow entitled terminally online gacha players" and yeah that can be true but i also dont like reducing all of that long term resentment from unaddressed complaints and issues and tiny disappointments accumulating over time for people who very much love genshin and want to be able to love it even more. to just like. haha greedy people want freebies. ofc hoyo doesnt owe us shit its a company and even with hsr this generosity shouldnt be turned into some parasocial "oh theyre on our side" thing. its just two games that want to make money. genshin and hsr both.

but it still sucks that theres such a discrepancy. and as long as ur not being toxic about how and when u express it i think that feeling is completely fair and valid. its not nice being passionate about a game and its potential while investing time and possibly money into it and still getting treated like shit year after year just bc genshin is still too successful to be forced into caring about us peasants lmao. venting and memeing and even sending appropriate complaints to hoyo are all fair game to me lmao. go wild

tho i will have to say that i do think the ultimate antidote to that feeling of disapppointment in particular imo still consists of touching grass like. its not good to be overtly attached to this stuff on an emotional level. i get why people would end up in that position esp given how genshin literally started during quarantine and was a massive source of comfort and joy in incredibly tough times for so many (myself included). but still. hoyo is simply not ur friend and ultimately its still just a couple of gacha games. finding other sources of happiness and comfort is v important. but being affected by this baseline isnt an individual failure or something wildly unreasonable at all.

for me im not too emotionally affected or anything but i cant deny this thing does have me thinking a good bit. as someone who naturally gravitates more towards genshins open world and its style of worldbuilding and aesthetic and its characters so even if i do enjoy hsr overall its just. a bit of a bitter taste u get in the mouth from all of this.

im not interested in discoursing on this or even like. protesting against hoyo particularly bc its clear that the genshin team has chosen its stance on the matter and i doubt another incident will really sway them much. the push will need to come from elsewhere if things are to ever change. im happy to get these freebies in hsr and i hope the game continues evolving and getting better bc it sure does have its flaws too. and the same for genshin. in a way a lot of the good in hsr is due to the hindsight 20/20 from genshins pitfalls and problems too (as well as arguably the literal sink or swim hsr faced from the poor reception to aspects of 1.0-1.3). unfortunately i doubt genshin would have the guts or be given the resources to retroactively address and fix those very same things in their own game. which is a shame.

anyway i dont have any particular point im going for with this i suppose i just wanted to get these silly thoughts off my chest. L + ratio to W + ratio was hilariously iconic and im still incredibly hype for all these things hsr has given us to look forward to even if the discrepancy with genshin does cast a shadow over this a bit. and i still love genshin and will keep playing it and keep hoping it can improve over time and get better. ultimately i care less about free ayaka at AR 42 becoming reality because "ratio hsr!!!1!1" than the devs genuinely investing the time and effort needed to make this game all the things it has the potential to be going forward. but im not holding my breath.

so yeah. if u stuck all the way with this whole situation u get a sticker. many thoughts in the head and you people following me are stuck with them im afraid JKJKDWJKWDJKDW

[goremet-chef]

DREADFUL so dreadful but the only step is to just reach forward. like all i need to do is pick up my pen but i cant. wish i could tho

art will always be my passion, even if it bothers me sometimes. its all ive ever been good at, fantastic outlet for creativity and emotional buildup but i just. sometimes i cant move and i dont know why and its literally inches away from me but i can hardly move forward yknow? im fine physically, but mentally its like this huge step that seems so intimidating

i feel like i live off of outcomes and when the outcome isnt certain my brain goes haywire and holds me in place until the outcome can settle. but? this outcome IS the same. its so easy, ive done it before. reach and grab, draw what yr dying to draw

im drowning myself in lethal company things im so excited and im . all my minecraft ocs and my sotf ocs like i have so much i need to make and just.. no will to do it. but i want to! want to more than anything. id feel better if i did, which is true i would feel better. when it builds up inside you its OVERWHELMING like insanely so. i can get it out and free myself if i just DO it but theres always this barrier between what i want and what i actually do yknow? very lame

yknow art is my passion even if it hurts me sometimes it makes me very happy and i like to create, everyone likes to create. i like to see what i can do, like to bring all these buzzing thoughts to reality. can hardly hold onto them long enough to do that but i try at least. sometimes i feel really really unreliable and i dont know why?

i dont do commissions anymore, i pretty much ONLY draw for myself. who are you disappointing? who do you THINK yr disappointing? no one even remembers all the times you say "im drawing this 😼", YOU dont even remember all the times you say that. theres no pressure, you can do it whenever you want, it doesnt make you worse or anything. art is for you, you'll get to it when you can

yes :] i think i probably will. im just trying to make myself feel better honestly its something that eats at me and i dont know why?

its like some HORRIBLE combination of impostor syndrome and bpd fears like "oh no im not good enough!!! i need to provide i need to create for others to consume to prove im worthy" and then when i DO create, when too many people like it its.. i feel like ive conned them, surely i didnt make something that good, i must have faked it somehow and the attention is undeserved

SHIT LIKE THAT honest to god all my mento illnesses come together and hold hands like some really fucked up version of the power rangers. all of them collide in the WORST ways possible its. what is bro doing in there !!!! seriously its actually comically tragic but i live in spite this, i probably always will live in spite of it. sometimes im like wow lets let everything wash over and give up, this hell isnt worth it. but isnt it? back and forth black and white, world is ending world is beautiful type shit. when it feels over i just try to remember all that stuff that and it forces me to remember that there is no giving up on this, wouldnt give it up for the world. its mine and ill keep it

as i was saying tho, i feel so much happier drawing when i try to keep it out of mind. like yes, of course i love the attention. who doesnt? but i used to be INCREDIBLY numbers driven for like. hefty chunk of my art history. like little 11 yr old me breaking coppa on dA had so much fun just drawing hot garbage and sharing it and it never got like any likes but i didnt even CARE i just. to be able to create and share is the best part of all

i wish i was like him again. im not that boy, not anymore, but i remember him and i keep him close. all that cringe bullshit and i was having so much fun

ill give myself some credit yknow. im an adult, money is a necessity in this world. art becomes more of a chore and something i feel pressured on because logically its the only thing i can DO right to make a quick buck like. its the one thing i know i can do. but having my passion turn into something like that? dreadful

sometimes you cant avoid it, i just have to do my best to look past it and recognize that beneath all that shit. theres something in me that needs to draw, the same thing that forces me to carry sketchbooks and pencils with me wherever i go, even if i never use them. just this lingering presence that screams at me and tells me that i will create. i will! i will create

[mental-health-advice]

im sorry that it's so long i dont have anyone to share it with and i dont have money for psychological help but i am desperate

i have this problem that i cant listen to people, it's very rare for me to find other people's lives interesting, even my best friends'. sometimes i have this moment when im curious and ask but I don't ever catch myself as little as having thoughts about other people and i can see that i struggle with empathy

i realized lately that all my attempts to help other people in the past were caused by my feelings of superiority towards them, now i just don't attempt to help them at all. i've never been listened by my family, no one ever listens to one another and none of us seems to be truly interested in each other that much. all my friends through my entire life have never been the types to get into any deep conversations as well. ive been heavily bullied my entire life and my parents never asked about anything, my friends witnessed me getting bullied a hundred times and it was all just ignored and no one ever reacted or talked to me about it. since i was 10 i live in some other world in my head and that's all i think about in life, i feel like i built my entire life around it and it's terrifying because it doesn't seem normal to other people. sometimes i get people telling me that i might be autistic but i feel like it's such a heavy word for what im going through and also ill never probably be able to find out

now that im at university in a completely different environment and city, it scares me that i don't know how to fix it. when someone asks questions about my own life i have no idea what to say. i've never been asked about my opinions, my health, things that i like. i barely think about these things myself and to that i am expected to show interest in other people and ask them the same questions

i want to have friends but i feel like i just deserve to be isolated because im not empathetic and it seems like im also fake. it's complicated i guess i just have to ask if there are any advice to find people around me interesting so i can have friends

Hey there,

I’m so sorry that whilst you were growing up, no one really seemed to listen to you or take an interest in you and your life and also that you grew up being bullied. It actually also helps to paint a picture of why you may find it difficult to make friends and hold conversations with them now.

It’s really important that you know and remind yourself that you definitely do not deserve to be isolated from other people. You did not ask to be treated as you were whilst growing up and nor were you always able to stop it from happening and especially in regards to the being bullied by others. When you feel like you don’t deserve to have friends or to socialise with others, it can be helpful to remind yourself that we as people are social beings and so we all need someone in our life, even if it’s just one or two people! Remember that it’s also not about the quantity of friends that we have in our lives either but rather the quality of the friendship!

In regards to making friends now, sometimes it can he helpful to just casually catch up first and then form a bond with them from there. So for example, do something with them where talking is not the main focus. So, maybe go to the movies with them, to a local attraction like to a zoo or a walk with different sceneries. Try and do something that you can talk about what is going on around you as opposed as just ‘talking in depth’ about things. This can also be a great ice breaker as well! From there when you see them, perhaps speak to them about the experience you both shared, likes and dislikes/ what you most enjoyed and didn’t. Again, this can take the pressure off just talking and will allow you both to have a focus in the conversation with them. It will also allow you to get to know the other a bit better and in time you may find that the conversation may flow a bit more easily and especially if together you do different things that you can then both chat about!

Showing empathy to others is a little harder and especially if you weren’t shown it in your early life. It is something you can definitely learn and do though so don’t be too hard on yourself! Maybe a good starting point may be to look at yourself and how you would like someone to treat you or react to you in different situations. This can really help with the learning process as even though people need different things after going through different things in life, often what we all have in common is wanting a friendly ear, someone we can talk too who we feel like really cares about us!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[selamat-linting]

okay we all know early 20s suck or whatever but i think there are some positives in it. i mean, my 20s so far have been filled with a lot of crisis and shittiness and bouts of feeling lonely but also, this is the first time i can actually go outside and travel to see the sea or the forest because i can pay for it myself so i dont have to hear "why would you need to go to the park anyway?" everytime i ask for a bus fare thats not for school. i can go home at 3 am and none of my parents can do anything about it. i can buy a book and wear clothes i like instead of relying on handouts or what my parents buy because i make my own money now. i derive a special kind of satisfaction since i help my parents pay rent and groceries!!!! people depend on me now instead of the other way around. i can have sex with hot dilfs. i can learn whatever i want since i already have a job so i dont have to worry if my education has to pay off in the end. i can go to therapy, i can do politics, all of the miseries of adulthood and the loneliness does not compare to the joy i feel from gaining some agency and independence for the first time. being in your 20s fucking rules despite the agonies. i never wanted to relive my childhood again but i would relive the years after i graduated highschool despite knowing how horrible and shocking the transition between school and working was and how much years i've wasted and plans that fell through because the pandemic took three years of my life and might even gave me slight brain damage. like, being a kid and a teenager is great and all but for me its "i have to do things right or else i will suffer a fate worse than death and disappoint everyone also im completely helpless in stopping domestic violence in the house and cant help but perpetuate it to my siblings since i dont know how to be better" so its not so great. meanwhile my 20s is like "i have failed tremendously but its not so bad and turns out i can always try again and no matter if i fail or succeed i can always find a smidge of happiness and personal meaning in it and if my dad starts acting up again this time i can tell him to kill himself and pack out and leave, bringing everyone that need protection in the house. also now i can actually start mending my relationship to my siblings and stop being an abusive asshole since im removed from the pressure of Making It and now they consider me the safe adult instead of our actual parents because i actually put in the work to be better and nonjudgemental. im taking them to fucking therapy one day."

[a-erea]

I rly like to vent on the internet. Specially because no one knows me here. Everything I say is real, I only tell the truth. There is no other side.

That being said, I feel so so so lonely. I recently found out I have BPD and it's so cool to now know that what i go through is real. But it hasn't made anything easier. I feel so tainted. Everything is tainted with this thing. Everything about me. How can I be different or be better when it's everything I am? How can I feel safe? How do I know who to trust? I hate myself so much. I hate myself because I can't get a hold of me. Sometimes things that are supposed to make me feel good actually make me feel like shit. Like compliments. Like... actually beautiful gestures. I feel unworthy, undeserving, I'm just a walking void that's sucks everything into it. And oh god there she goes again that ungrateful bitch who doesn't like her family, why can't you see they're doing their best? Why are u crying oh my god you're impossible I can't talk to you like that. Why can't you let it go? U should go to therapy, u need God. What do you need? I can help u I'm here for u WHY CANT U LEAVE ME ALONEEE PLEASEE all I ever ask for is time and space and even that I have to fight for i don't want ur money I don't want even want your love anymore I am broken forever because of u and it is soooo fucking shitty that I am the only one that "has" to change,that "has" to be more patient, more open, more understanding. I FEEL NOTHING BUT HATE. I WANT TO LOVE U BUT I CANT STAND YALL ANYMORE AND I CANT MAKE U UNDERSTAND U ALWAYS DRIVE ME TO THE EDGE I HAVE TO HURT U FOR U TO LISTEN AND THEN U TREAT ME LIKE I'M INSANE YES I AM INSANE I USED TO BE SO HAPPY BUT YALL TOOK ME FOR GRANTED SO MANY YEARS SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME I HAD TO BE QUIET I HAD TO BE UR SHOULDER I HAD TO PLEASE U I COULDN'T COMPLAIN HOW WOULD U FEEL WHEN SOMEONE CLAIMS TO LOVE U BUT ONLY IF UR WHAT THEY WANT U TO BE IM A MESS I KNOW IM A MESS I CANT STAND U LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT IT HURTS I DONT WANNA HURT U BACK

Great part of my youth is lost forever to the silliest stupidest illusion of what I was led to be. I am now here fighting to the nail everyday to be myself. I am so scorned. The cherry on top of this disgusting cake is working for a wage that's barely decent to sustain myself. I just wanna leave this city. I wish someone would just fuck me damn not even that haha I am such a fucking naive aspie bitch and people still feel so threatened by me jesus I sucked this guy's dick and he wouldn't fuck me if I begged him ewww I'm unhinged I'm so empty it feels like my happiness is never mine, i can't enjoy anything good. Ughh so bored so bored so lonely so disgusting unworthy so tainted so beautiful so magical I wish I was just a pretty art hoe that goes to art school and has friends and people think they're cute it's so easy being kind and dumb and happy when u feel supported. I am a burden. Why do u exñect so much of me. I wish I was nobody.