#aka everything they’ve been thru and the people they’ve lost- it was all for nothing

[hallwyeoo]

🚨SPOILERS FOR END OF TLOU1 & TLOU2🚨

“Joels decision at the end of tlou1 was justified. His death was completely uncalled for” WROOOOOOOOOOOOONG. Incorrect! Joel’s decision is UNDERSTANDABLE, not justified. There’s a significant difference between the two. Joel also knew when he saved Ellie that he was signing his death warrant. He was fine with it because it meant he got more time with her, and because she’d be alive. Joel is a very flawed person, and while no one deserves to die (especially not in the way he did) it wasn’t uncalled for. It was a necessary narrative decision! I cannot see a way tlou2 could’ve existed with Joel alive.

[cardandpixel]

9 Board Game YouTubers I Follow & Why (plus a few others)

In the literal dim and distant past when I started boardgaming (honestly, the biggest threat was tallow wax on your board), the internet was still accessed by whatever IP address you could remember off the top of your head (there’s no place like 127.0.0.1 as they sayI) - and the only TikTok was the clock ticking, waiting for half of Louise Nurding’s left leg to download only to realise it was Anne Widdecombe and you’d hit the wrong link on a BB. Boardgames had some quiet and shady corners of the internet, in those same Bulletin Boards, there was one for HeroQuest and Space Crusade when they came out. But sadly, if you wanted to see a boardgame being played or learn the rules, you either had to go round to your friend Tim’s house where he had a new chits-for-days wargame going, or sit down and actually read the rulebook yourself. As a result, I bought some interesting games in my time, including a game called Operation Overlord - a mighty chit-tastic WW2 N African campaign monster that I bought in desperation from the Games Workshop in Manchester on the first morning that it opened in 1979 (?) as we were so far back in the queue that there wasn’t a space marine to be had for miles. But now, we have a plethora of kindly folk available on our blistering shiny Windows NT 486sx machines to inform and delight us in full 8-bit glory. Everything from reviews, buying guides, rules tutorials and even painting & crafting guides, we can be bathing in just about whatever aspect of board or wargaming we so desire in an effort to stave off the clattering realisation that it’s been over 3 months since we spent any quality time with another breathing soul outside our houses. The question gets frequently asked on boardgame FaceAche forums “What YouTube channels are worth my time and why?” so in an effort to throw my own towel into that controversial ring, here’s my pick of probably 9ish, maybe more by the end, but let’s start with 9 in no particular order..... 1) 3 MINUTE BOARDGAMES

One of the first board games ‘er across the table (TM) and I bought together was a copy of Gloom from a little games and comic shop halfway round the world in Hamilton NZ, Mark 1 Comics. As we were achingly close to moving to NZ a few years ago, we’ve kept up with many aspects of what might have been our life over there, so it was a delight to discover Jarrod (and now Stephanie) on YouTube, a friendly and familiar accent reviewing board games. But it’s not just the NZ vibe that I love, Jarrod does a great job of cutting thru the hyperbole and bloat often associated with trying to keep YouTube vids ‘long for the algorithm’ (ugh) and just gives very pragmatic reasons for a game either joining or leaving his collection. He has a great approach, and it’s nice to see him finally on camera instead of the disembodied voice. Great reviewer, and Stephanie is utterly hilarious. 2) THE BROTHERS MURPH

Mike & Nick are two of the most engaging brothers on YouTube let alone just in the boardgaming community. Their series on thrift shop finds has dredged up some hilarious and often tragic specimens from the grand days of Palitoy, MB and Parker Games.  They are also masters at ‘speed reviewing’ often piling reviews of 50 or 60 games into the same number of minutes. I think I favour the ‘don’t outstay your welcome’ approach to YouTube in general, and the Brothers Murph are at great ease with this philosophy and yet they take on simple party games thru to the heaviest euros with the same distillation equipment, and yet their reviews are never trivial or throw away. We had the chance to chat to Nick at Airecon this year and he was a lovely guy, slightly blown away by the fact that people liked his channel. He’s also an awesome artist too.

3) ACTUALOL

There are many reviewers on the web who have cost me a fair amount of money, the worst being Zee Garcia, however, a close second is Jon Purkiss aka Actualol. Jon has a terrifying gift for finding games, and especially ridiculously affordable games, that I buy on spec and then end up absolutely loving. Jon has a light and breezy style which is instantly engaging - I also really want his comfy chair (surely in exchange for a nice review on here Jon???). His videos are tidy and concise and yet still convey a deep enthusiasm and joy for games. His reviews very clearly portray what the setting of the game is and what you’ll be doing, without getting embroilled in the rules. He always has great footage of the game on the table (please reviewers - look at the ratio of your face to the game you’re talking about - less than 10% game and i’m walkin’) and often favours the less pricey end of the market which suits me fine. Brilliant games I love thanks to Jon include: Second Chance, Magic Maze and Ninja Academy

4) OUR FAMILY PLAYS GAMES

There’s not much to be said about Mik & Starla Fitch that cannot be gained from watching a mere 3-4 minutes of their channel. For sheer exuberance aimed squarely at a love for bringing families together via our glorious hobby, you cannot top these guys. If you are ever - EVER - feeling slightly lacklustre about gaming or losing your mojo for whatever reason - heck if you are just feeling slightly down, treat yourself to 10 minutes in the company of these two excellent human beings. Their reviews and playthru’s have all the humanity you need in a game and after five minutes you are thinking “Is the US too far to go just for a gaming evening?” We’d both utterly love to sit across the table from these lovely people and just play, and I can’t say that about every reviewer, I’ll be honest. Their reviews are often centred around unloved classics (watch their vid dedicated to why they love Catan as an example - you’ll be clicking Buy Now before your know it) and also some great quirky unknowns that I’m trying to hunt down even now. They’ve just had a brilliant couple of boosts from both a spot of Good Morning America recently, and becoming reviewers for the mighty Dice Tower. I’m immensely grateful for a tweet by Rodney Smith for pointing me in their direction, my social media is a much brighter place with the Fitch family in it.

5) RAHDO RUNS THROUGH

“Heeeeey Everybody”. One of the first board game reviewers I ever caught on YouTube was the inimitable Richard Ham aka Rahdo. And I’m so glad I did. I would genuinely never sit down and try and learn a game from one of Rahdo’s playthrus, they are what I imagine being in a wind tunnel full of 50 tonnes of feathers is like. BUT and this is crucial - if I want an idea of what a game is going to feel like to play, there is no finer deliverer of the remote game experience than Mr Richard Ham. His unique ability to explain how a game is going to work, turn by turn; the decisions you will make; the things you’ll have to consider; the short and long term goals; are all brilliantly covered in one of Rahdo’s videos. His ability to make different choices for his ‘ghost partner’ Jen (who does exist in real life, we have bought jewelry off her, she’s lovely) also adds a real dynamism to the games, showcasing the flexibility in a design for different play strategies. Rahdo tends towards 2 player games and usually at the heavier end of the scale, but if there’s a game you are thinking of buying, check Mr Ham out first! 

6) WATCH IT PLAYED

It’s often been said that Canadians are some of the politest folk on the planet, but when it comes to ranking Canadians, well, I’m sure they’d be too humble to rank each other so I’ll have to. Rodney Smith is the loveliest man in the world. There, end of article. But it’s true. We’ve been watching Rodney since we first got confused about the rules for Mice & Mystics (which we still got wrong but that wasn’t Rodney’s fault) and his ever chirpy, ever positive approach to his rules rundowns is utterly remarkable and frankly, enviable. And it’s his attention to detail and clarity for explaining rules that have rightly made Rodney one of the most important resources in the gaming hobby. If you have ever struggled over a rulebook and haven’t raced to Watch It Played, I will guarantee you will have spent far longer on that rulebook and lost way more hair than you ever needed to. We had the great honour of playing Rajas of the Ganges with Rodney at Airecon in 2019, and I mugged up on the rules sooo much. Regular imbibers of this rag will know my sloth for reading rulebooks is legendary but fortunately ‘er across the table (TM) loves them. But, for the 3 days running up to our trip to Harrogate, I did nothing but read that rulebook - this was THE Rodney Smith, you can’t get a rule wrong with Rodney. But of course, nerves kicked in and I could barely remember the rules of Snap, but the nicest man in the world could not have been nicer. Really, quantum mechanics has proved it. He was just the same man off the computer telly. Funny, engaging, warm and happy to chat as well as play (which I was also really nervous about doing!), if you don’t watch Rodney, are you really internetting?

7) TABLETOP MINIONS

“Pachow” From boardgames to wargames. As well as my slight addiction to cardboard, my other opiate overlord is 28mm plastic miniatures. Specifically those involved in tabletop skirmish games like Malifaux, 7TV, Fallout Wasteland Warfare, GuildBall and a smattering of others. Though recently more focused on the frankly insane amount of content being released by Games Workshop, Tabletop Minions is presented by the splendid Uncle Atom. (In fact, I identify his content so much as Uncle Atom’s stuff that I honestly had to double check the name of the channel for this article!). My plastic habit uncle (sounds so wrong, but so true) has possibly the gentlest delivery of anyone on the internet. It’s not so much content, as therapy. I know the net is awash with AMSR channels at the mo, but if you don’t want to listen to some overmonetized southern californian with some bubble wrap and a large capsule condenser mic, just hop over to TTM and listen to the Uncle for 5 minutes. He’s like a soothing bubble bath of content about painting figures, philosophy of the hobby, general art & design principles, and great life advice. He also wears a fez.

8) GIRL PAINTING

“Hello Tchoobies!” I painted my first 28mm figure when i was about 12ish - it was, ironically, a space marine of some sort - the old clunky Ral Partha ones. It looked terrible, but each model got a bit better till I stopped for some reason a few years later. When I got into Malifaux a few years ago (ie decades, several of them, later), I knew I was going to have to get back into painting; heaps of grey plastic does not a skirmish game make. (Little did I know I would have to revisit my microscopy days either when assembling damn Bayou Gremlins!)  Two channels were recommended to me, the Esoteric Order of Gamers (more later) and Girl Painting. EOG put me on the path to believing I could paint again, but Alexandra at Girl Painting actually made me believe I could learn to do it well. GP’s approach to painting figures, terrain and vehicles is based on solid art theory. Her explanation of colour relationships and the colour wheel is something I can quote to this day. All of the techniques that I lean on so heavily in day to day painting both for table and display I learnt from Girl Painting. Correct use of washes, wet blending,  non-metallic metals, shading, drybrushing, highlighting, model reading, all of it from studying intently, often with a brush actually in my hand while watching the channel. I cannot recommend GP enough if you want to put paint to plastic. Whatever your ability, you will learn something from this hidden gem of a channel.

9) ESOTERIC ORDER OF GAMERS

Another dang fine antipodean and another slightly unusual channel. I have a terrible, terrible memory when it comes to rules. In our early days, we also had a a lot of games with seemingly very over-bloated rulebooks - FFG games basically. I suddenly realised what I wanted was to lift the lid of a box and find in the lid, a summary of the important stuff i needed to remember about the game. Apparently I was not the only one. In 2013 a chap known as Universal Head started publishing an amazing series of rules summaries which condensed down some of the bloatiest rulesbooks down to often one or 2 pages of A4. It was a (pardon the pun) gamechanger for me. I can’t count the number of games in our collection that have a friendly sheet of A4 now as the first thing you see when you open the box. They are brilliant. And he’s still doing it to this day. I would argue that the more useful leg to his activities is the website rather than YouTube channel, but his channel does have the aforementioned brilliant figure painting tutorials, unboxing videos and some crafting stuff. The website is definitely the place for the rules summaries and also a fantastic resource for build-it-yourself foamcore box inserts. Though Folded Space have now made box inserts pretty affordable, there’s still no feeling like the satisfaction of building your own, and I would argue that some of EoG’s designs actually make more sense than some of the Folded Space ones anyway. AND THE OTHER ONES (Who probably don’t really need the exposure, but hey, only 11 people probably read this so......)  Why aren’t these on the list above? Just because I wanted to highlight some of the more marginal channels above or more specialist rather than the pure reviewers. SHUT UP & SIT DOWN Possibly my favourite channel on YouTube, whose name sounds more like a menacing Yorkshire greeting than a boardgame channel. SU&SD seem to be a real Marmite issue on the board game communities. And I genuinely don’t understand it. Yes, their reviews are often really funny but honestly, if that’s all you take away then you are missing some amazingly detailed and thought provoking work. Quinns and crew’s reviews are some of the most measured and balanced reviews in the gameyverse. Their reasoning for the conclusions they come to are incredibly well thought through and often very surprising based on the tone of the rest of the review. They have steered me to some games I would never have looked twice at and steered me away from some very shiny games that I might have blown a lot of money on otherwise. Flagposting great alternatives is also a signature of their reviews, and that again has often lead me to some fantastic games. We don’t always agree (their recent review of 10 Oink Games was savage imho) but we always disagree for the right reasons. Again, I would argue their website is actually a better overall resource, especially their podcasts which are superb, but all their content is fantastic.

in a highly similar vein I would add NO PUN INCLUDED. Efka & Elaine produce some of the most thoughtful and intelligent boardgame review content today, and often for some of the deepest and most complex games. The joy of boardgaming is that it is highly subjective and there are lots of times when NPI like/dislike a game that I do/don’t, but they are engaging and warm enough as presenters to hit you with a gentle subtext that says “It’s ok - I know we like this game, we get that you don’t, it doesn’t make any of us bad people, just people y’know, have a sandwich with us”  Efka criticising a game reminds me of when Dennis Healey once described an argument with Geoffrey Howe as being ‘savaged by a dead sheep’, though not in the cynical manner of the original. The criticism is loaded with that crucial dose of ‘hear me out’ that is sadly lacking in 90% of all other reviewers out there. Efka & Elaine are no GoggleBox reviewers, they are the real deal - they genuinely understand how games work and why. The sheer moral turmoil that Efka expressed over the cultural issues in Rising Sun was some of the most thoughtful YouTube content I have ever seen. I just wanted to do a little shout out to Johannes & Sunniva at BOARD GAMING RAMBLINGS - I don’t have as much to say as they are relatively new on my radar, but I have really enjoyed their content so far and find them to be like one of those adorable gaming couples that you might see every once in a while at your gaming group and have a blast with, and then not see for months and go “Awh - I really miss Johannes & Sunniva - where’d they go?” that feeling, you know the one. Adorable, with a hint of the esoteric. Also, a quick but important mention to the other titan of boardgame rules explanation that is Paul Grogan of GAMING RULES!. Like Rodney Smith, Paul is meticulous about rules explanation and is really clear and simple to follow, even for very heavy games, which Paul tends to do more of than Rodney, which is probably why I end up watching Paul slightly less, but certainly not for any less quality. Paul has such a reputation in the industry that he now works closely with many designers and publishers to help craft the best rulebooks around as a consultant. So that’s it - congrats for making it through folks. Didn’t think it was going to run this long, but turns out.... I quite like a lot of the YouTubers I watch - who knew? Until next time... happy gaming y’all.

[wellanthropologicallyspeaking]

trigger warning // abusive parents, emotional abuse

i might be one of only a few people who have been thru the experience of loving and trusting a parent(s) their whole lives, and in a matter of months have that trust utterly broken and the love that you felt for them lost.

context is, long story summarized, my mom put me thru a very tramuatic experience last year (on christmas no less) when she basically said she “disowned me as her child”. i cried and cried and the whole thing was horrible, she just shouted so much while my dad begged her to stop and calm down, and he tried to calm me down too and brought me food afterwards.

the context for this was basically, the christmas tree that i was decorating for hours the night before had fallen when i was downstairs looking for an extension cord, and its falling broke one of the ornaments from my childhood that i had painted myself while in kindergarten/first grade. it was so heckin pretty and i was so proud of it and hoenstly when i saw i broke, along with a few other beloved ornaments, i broke down.

december last year was filled with all kinds of shit that led me deeper and deeper ino my depression, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. while we cleaned up the tree with me sobbing intensely, my mom was all “i told you this would happen !!! you should have done what i said !!!” THAT’S what you say to your CRYING CHILD (i’m 20 but still im her child and you would expect a person to be more compassionate towards THEIR KID)??? instead of seeing that they’re obviously upset. this made me fucking pissed and i just stormed to my room, and declared that im not celebrating christmas this year. my mom forced me and coereced me to have christmas dinner, but i slipped away with a turkey leg and bread into my room, while she was fucking pissed in the other room.

the next day, we had the horrible aforemention argument, where we went over the christmas canceling thing and me not wanting to celebrate, but my mom also went on the thing that i didn’t want to take her vitamins anymore, and she was fucking pissed at me for that.

now, that makes no sense, but i have pretty bad acne, and my mom has *taken it upon herself* to treat my acne herself, even though i kept telling i didn’t want or ask for her help, but she’d just insult me and force/blackmail me to take them. this went on for over a year, and it sounds horrible on its own, but it actually didn’t change my opinion of her until last december.

her argument was “because you’re not taking the vitamins i gave you, it means 1) you want to ruin your skin permanenly (and she goes on about ONE lady she knows who has bad acne scars who i’ve never even met) 2) you want to HURT ME EMOTIONALLY because i worry about you and you having horrible skin makes me feel bad (this sounds kinda emphathetic from her side of things but trust me, the way she meant it felt more like im some kind of experiement to her who she needs to fix and when she can’t “fix” me, she feels bad instead of ever considering MY FEELINGS)”

anyways that whole load of bullshit resulted in me arguing with her, and eventually led to her threatening to disown me while i sat sobbing so fucking uncontrollably, which i think was the only time since maybe i was a baby that i had ever cried so much and so hard. she eventually said, in not so many words, fuck you and im disowning you, while i was left shattered in a pool of my own tears.

it took me WEEKS to recover from the emotional turmoil that experience brought me, and i could never look her in the eye again.

about a month later, my dad would end up driving me to college instead of my mom (bc im a 20 year old american who still doesn’t know how to drive whoops) and over the months of the semester, he’d share things about how bad this lawsuit is that my mom’s waging against our neighbor (wholeeee other kettle of fish that i won’t get into here) and how it was stressing him out and using up precious time, money, and energy that he had. he also mentioned the whole lawsuit cost 40K to manage up to that point, bc my parents had been doing it for about 5 years and that’s the total sum it cost over those 5 years. i was fucking shocked bc, i remeber years back even BEFORE the lawsuit when i saw my mom google “free colleges” for me to attend when i’d graduate, bc she said college “was too expensive”. i mean yea that’s true but there’s a good college here that i want to go to that’s 6K a year?? like if you add it up, my time at college would cost LESS than the 40K wasted on this lawsuit AND we’d deffo have money left over for house repairs, of which our house needs a million. but nah, my mom’s priorities is that we need to waste 40K on a lawsuit for a plot of land on our drive way the size of a desk. size of a DESK. im not fucking kidding here, i wish i was bc its so ridiculous.

then later i learned that my mother (who i already knew had disowned her first daughter, what a shocker) had as a sort of “punishment” to her first daughter, aka my half sister, to take her piece of their apartment back that is in Russia. my dad said we could compromise on the money and get about 50K to pay for the downpayment for our house here, but my mom was s u r e she could “win” her case and get 300K for her share, which my dad said was near impossible and could put my half sister and her family in danger, bc apparently money handling in russia is risky business and people get killed for that sorta money.

my mother didn’t give a shit. about the actual reality of the situaion or the pain/danger she was putting my sister and her family thru. she could shit a turd and give more of a shit about that than her own daughter.

anyways all this and more that i learned, as well as the trauma she put me thru in december, made me open my eyes to the monster i had truly been living with. i finally learned how horrible, twisted, selfish, and cold blooded she was, and knew she could never have held any love for me. the mother i had known my whole life was a lie, and that lie shattered before my eyes.

this went on far too long (probably bc it shows i need therapy ahahaha i still haven’t dealt with this have i) but the message i want to share here is, if you’ve been in a situation where your parents have turned out to not be the person you thought they were, and the love you felt for them and the trust you had in them had shattered overnight, i want to say i know how you feel.

when that happens, everything that was normal with your parent(s) becomes abnomal. you go to share with them something you’re excited about, but you realize you can’t. you think about that yearly event you both go to but realize you can never go together again. it might not even be because they won’t allow it (my mom has “forgiven” me and thinks we’re alright again, as if december was “nothing”) but because you know in your heart that the person you did those things with is gone. they were really never there to begin with, because the whole thing was an act and the traumatic expriences you went thru made you see their true colors. and you see that their true colors are ugly as fuck.

those pauses when you realize that you can’t ever be the same around your parent as you once was, those times when you’re forever locked up to them because you won’t allow them in, when you feel guilty that you haven’t forgiven them and that its somehow your duty as their child to forgive them, i’m not here to say that you should open up, but that you should not open up to them. don’t ever feel like you are obligated to open up to them or “forgive” them. they hurt you and they broke your trust and made you experience horrible trauma that’s hard to come back from. just because they’re your family doesn’t mean you must forgive them.

there’s this societal norm that we’re surrounded by that in order to overcome and deal with trauma, you have to forgive the people who hurt you. in my opinion, i think that couldn’t be farther from the truth. if you are a person who finds it easist to deal with their pain by forgiving those who hurt you, i’m not bashing you; more power to you for being able to forgive, especially when i can’t do the same. however, forgiveness is touted as this “cure all” that people should use to forgive everyone who’s ever hurt you. that cannot be true because what works for one person does not necessarily work for the next. one person may be able to deal with their trauma with forgiveness, and another person cannot do the same. i believe that you shouldn’t have to forgive those who hurt you, especially when you don’t feel strong enough to or feel any love/trust in them after they’ve hurt you. i can accept that what happened, happened, and that what my mother did to me happened, and that it affected me terribly and left me with emotional scars that will be hard to heal from, but i cannot call her my mom anymore or forgive her for what she did to me.

i do feel tinges of guilt sometimes because, i think, of this societal norm that you should forgive everyone, and i feel that coming from my place as a daughter, that i have some obligation to forgive my mother based on what society tells you. you may feel the same too, that you feel guilty for not forgiving your family and that if you were a better person you would forgive them. im here to say that that’s bullshit. you may feel guilty for not forgiving your family but that’s not some sign that you actually should forgive them or that you deeply down want to forgive them, it just means that you feel guilt because of what society has drilled into you. its okay to feel guilty about not forgiving your family and still not forgive them at the same time !! i feel like this sometimes, but i still know that the trauma my mother put me thru and the lies i uncovered about her make me realize that i can never forgive her. if you’re not emotionally strong enough to forgive someone, if you don’t feel the same love or trust in someone as you once did and so are unable to forgive them, i just want to say, its okay not to forgive them !! this isn’t some kind of contest that you have to win, you don’t have to feel like you’re a weak or bad person for not forgiving someone, bc our ways for coping with trauma are all different !!

in my opinion, i think trying to forgive or keep people in your life who are obviously terrible is not healthy in the long run. my mom is still doing the shitty things that are similar to what i described earlier, and i now know that she’s still just the same horrible, selfish, cold blooded person she always was; she was just under a mask. me forgiving her or tolerating her now won’t magically turn her into a good mom !! she’ll always be shitty and its healthier for me to just cut her out of my life as much as i can (while im still living at home with both that parents, and me being unable to drive, that is proving very difficult). it’s just better to cut out toxic people from your life and surround yourself with healthy people who will help you grow and thrive. it’s kinda like what marie kondo says,

(yea im an organizing nut but her book has really helped me organize the house, and i think organizing is kinda my coping mechanism, i spent so much time after december doing a full rehaul of the house that i had never done before, because i think i wanted to regain control of my life in some part as a way to cope for all the shit i went thru)

you should only keep things (or people) that “spark joy”. anything or anyone that doesn’t “spark joy” for you, you’re allowed to remove from your life : )

[unproduciblesmackdown]

tfw hating life enough for a reeadmooore

‪yesterday afternoon i’d blocked out 3 pgs in my sketchbook & by that night i was thinking like well i’m so close to finished the sketchbook finally (ive been using it about a yr and a half by now) that i could just stop drawing when i hit the end there‬

but i’d mentioned the impending end of my sketchbook space a friend is already in the process of sending over some they havent ever used so that will at least mean if i stop drawing it’ll just have to be because i want to lol

like in this case it’s special b/c of course i’ve had periods where i’m like smh what if i just don’t draw anymore, but that’s tended to be about being frustrated w some element or other of it all. this time it was mostly just that every day of my life i have a tiny bit less motivation or energy or etc. yesterday i was thinking all day about offing myself, which i’d done the day before, and done today too

like, it’s nothing new, i’ve been hating being alive and wanting to kms and only moving in the direction of less disappointment to more disappointment and having to care less about things i previously cared about because for one reason or another things get to a point where it only adds frustration to my life anymore

but despite depression and wanting to die and life being miserble all being Not New, that doesn’t mean that it doesnt matter anymore, because after day after day after day after day after day of it for years and years, you’re in a worse place than you were a while back, even if you do feel the same. even a single day of wishing you were dead the whole time is shitty enough. feeling overall like even if you’re in a good mood now, you know your life is trash and you’re going to go back to feeling bad soon, is also shitty enough

like the thing that drawing had going for me is that, like reading and writing sometimes and even some other shit, it’s something i like to do. i do it for myself, really. but it helps that its the way i trick ppl into being here in the first place to see anything i’m talking about. i have really crap appeal. i mean i’m bad at being appealing thru shit i draw, but it’s still way more of something anybody wants vs like five yrs worth of my text posts. like...i have over 10x more followers than i did on a blog where i rarely drew anything ever

but anyways despite me drawing b/c i enjoy it, i enjoy enjoying things less. always in the middle of that “loss of interest in pleasure” life lol.......it doesn’t really matter how long i do or don’t keep drawing, b/c i mean, it doesn’t much matter to me whether i’m having fun or not. i can be enjoying drawing and still wanting to die, because that’s whats happening lol.....nothing that’s a personal factor of my life is all that important to me, because my personal existence is not that important to the person living it

also it sure hasnt helped that my sense of things like whether my life can get better or i’ll have the opportunity to pursue my nonexistent dreams or live an ideal version of my life that also doesn’t exist are all at all-time lows and only just getting lower day by week by month by year. the only way i can even look at cheering myself up is from a day-to-day perspective. and i can have a slightly more fun day than usual and then be extra down on the very next day b/c of how being a bit less numb means you’re crap-feeling emotions are now game too. and i’m very aware of how, if you’re not in a position that insulates you enough, if things get worse for you, that makes “things getting worse for you” more likely, and it’s an exponential drop that gets harder and harder to climb out of, and even if you move back up a notch out of good luck, you’re still just as likely to be knocked back down to where you were. the odds of me suddenly not only not fucking hating being alive but also having a life that doesnt fucking make me hate being alive? that’s a funny joke

‪also it’s frustrating that whether i feel good or miserable on any given day only really exists if i say something about it in a post like this lol... like i might feel awful one day but if i dont have it in me to spend ages writing about it, which is difficult also b/c putting feelings into words where ppl will only fully Get It if they’ve felt that way too, anyways if i dont write about how shitty i feel and post it then maybe later on when i’m feeling a little better or feeling a different kind of shitty, i also won’t be interested in being like “oh btw i felt awful the other day.” and if i don’t mention it, as far as everyone in the world knows, it was never a thing that happened, so it might as well not have. i mean, as a person i might as well not be happening, especially since i don’t want me to be happening lol‬

and like i was saying to someone the other day, its a lot harder via text to talk about shit b/c like, if you’re with a friend in person, you can talk abt boring or silly things and its easy and makes a good conversation. whereas talking via twitter means it would be clunky and time consuming to layout exactly had empty and depressing my existence is, and silly shit isn’t even worth the energy when you’re having a convo w lengthy gaps in it, so you can only really talk about the broadest, most interesting shit. which i don’t have much of, oh well

i do like talking and talking to people actually, it’s just rough when it’s all a few ppl online, even though i alsp extremely appreciate those people and enjoy the talking. it’s like, chatting to ppl online is like a piece of chocolate cake. it’s delicious and you love it, but it would be amazing if it was the extra bonus on top of getting solid meals every day, instead of it being the only thing you have to eat and you get it maybe once or twice a week and it’s still wonderful and is all the more valuable for it, but it isnt the same as getting enough to eat always, or Knowing you’ll keep getting enough to eat

anyways my social life is always its own special kind of depressing, even when i AM in the same place as friends. you’d have a hard time finding a situation where the concept of What I Have To Say seems interesting or even relevant to other ppl. and im not sure i’ve ever been in groups where i feel totally comfortable with everyone there and don’t feel out of place. so talking about the idea of knowing you always have access to someone to talk to or be with in person or having friends who you know you can hang out with and they actually like you and you still expect to have them a few yrs down the road—all that’s always been a “well, in theory i mean” or “at least, i imagine it would be like that” issue for me

tbh i generally feel the most comfortable enjoying myself when i do something alone; maybe it’s because i have more experience of ppl im around treating me really shittily than treating me well

ohhhhhh wellllllllllllllll what else do i have to talk about. hmmm the fact that feeling like i wanna die only seems to be regarded as an issue of “well are you gonna or not,” aka if you havent its a Victory and a happy situation instead of it being a matter of EVERY DAY I’M A CONSCIOUS ORGANISM I WISH I WAS DEAD AND MY EXISTENCE HAS BEEN HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION FOR AT LEAST THE LAST HALF OF IT

like how heartwarming that i’ve been actively suicidal for how many years? 6? 8? but i havent yet!! i always want to but just never get around to it and so this time for sure lol no more fooling around!! oh dammit and there goes another birthday still alive. like this is some elusive new years resolution or novel i mean to write.

funny i mention it because there’s practically nothing anymore that i want to do. even if i THOUGHT my life would ever become okay, i want fuckall out of it. i only exist, baby............and it’s like i said earlier, whenever i try to come up with a sad amount of potential motivations NOT to die, i have to realize that none of the shit is actually for me, or directly about me, or centered on me. like, this shit lost its charm ages ago.

well anyways. i suppose thats all i can think to say now. and it doesn’t make a difference whether i talk about my shitass existence and how crap i feel or not. it just gives the chance for a bit of it to exist in the world via a few other ppl being aware of it for a few minutes maybe, because who DOESNT want to thoroughly read a shit essay by some random weirdo about how everything sucks. the end

[galimatios]

sci-fi au again but it’s some bastardized blame au feat. my twins

thinking about a bastardized blame au that borrows the setting of blame but with some minor differences, aka humans weren't dead for as long and silicon lifeforms are part of a disease that turns pure humans into half synthetic life, aka go feral go crazy some retain intellect tho, and pure silicon creatures are fully sentient and intelligent but im thinking of a society in which android labor was widespread, but bc humans were wiped by silicon corruption, there's huge populations of androids w/o purpose humans do still exist but they're not pure, most of them have varying levels of silicon corruption as well as varying resistances. it does grant these humans superhuman strength or healing though i kind of. wanna put rey and ray as twins in this au as bounty hunters aka humans who hunt down corrupted humans who've gone too far... but they also do odd delivery jobs and stuff likelihood is that they've been alive for Way longer than humans should be due to their own corruption they remember what life was like before things went to shit ray owned a restaurant and rey owned the bar on top of it as siblings they went thru hell together and back and this was their dream and. well. then shit changed but also aesthetic bc: rey with short hair, tank top, sci-fi ass gear and army boots she's also the Slightly Older twin and holds this to ray all the time they argue. Nonstop. sometimes they cant stand eachother bc dumbasses both have strong aggressive personalities but (and ive been thinking abt rey w a sibling for a while) at the end of the day they trust eachother bc they both had the same shitty mom and survived. they can do anything, they're Them? but the scourge... well. they're always upbeat. they have eachother after all, but sometimes when they're alone, ray gets nostalgic. a little wistful, a little sad "it was nice while it lasted, huh? not even a full ass decade, and everything came tumbling down." legs hanging off a ledge, the smell of cigarette smoke "wonder how dom's doing." rey doesn't want to talk about her. she steals the cig from his mouth and puts it out. "that shit ain't good for you." "the fuck? you smoke too you know." but rey's already leaving. neither of them know if dom survived. ray lost a best friend, rey lost a lover it's been two hundred years, maybe more. if she hadn't shown up, dead or alive, she's probably gone but the thing is, the megastructure is huge. so vastly huge and confusing, anything can happen. ray thinks one day she'll show up. dom is tough. she's out there somewhere. (END PROSE) also i just love the idea of rey being a heavy firearm user and she just has a huge laser cannon strapped to her back at all times ray thinks weird flex but ok he probably uses a device that resembles some sci-fi spear/rapier thing but it channels electricity so on his command he can roast shit and also override / destroy power structures as needed. both of them have mechanical skills, can hotwire stuff, they're too dumb for hacking so they usually just try to physically brute force shit (aka... hitting it until it works) ray... leather jacket and gloves. NOTED THO: organic materials are really rare and are either salvaged or synthetically created instead. so this is like fake ass bioengineered leather from one of the few bastions of semi-human life, a big city within the megastructure that's where rey and ray live... they actually do want to start a restaurant again but. i think they've sworn off it until they find out what happened to dom, bc she's the only person they've ever trusted with their dream so until then, bounty work ok wow i kind of love ray w a fucking. black electric rapier spike thing + black gloves and black jacket, leather fucking pants, DANGER BOY!!! then rey loves firearms but sometimes she JUST PUNCHES SHIT. SHE'S STRONG!!! fingerless gloves for the girl. cries I love my redheads

KEITH PROBABLY. WOULD BE A TRAINEE BOUNTY HUNTER/SCOUT AND PROBABLY HAS A MASSIVE CRUSH ON RAY LMFAO. ray is like lmfao (puts hand on head) u are So Short keith: kkkdjdjsjhdhdhfnfbfbfjgjfjfj rey voice god you have bad taste keith follows ray around like a puppy who wants to be helpful and ray doesnt particularly mind as long as he doesnt get in the way. but its like. this video (youtu.be/TJAqwSmbKJc)

SORRY KEITH HE LIKES HUNKS AND TWUNKS BUT UR TWINKISH TWUNK AT BEST but ray has a soft spot for him once keith proves he's actually super capable at his job puppy gets head pats god i wanna stick all my ocs in this au now jonah would be s service android who used to work for a family he really cherished but they were wiped out. so now he just. kind of drifts. AI technology is self learning so i believe at this point androids have largely gained sentience and semihumans treat them like one of them alister.... heh. fuck. i really want him to be an antagonist actually but a kind of misunderstood one. he's definitely the root of everything. he is probably the progenitor of the scourge and is a human mind implanted into a fully silicon body. who KNOWS how old he is in actuality he was a sick, dying child whose experimental treatment went horribly wrong but this silicon body is stronger, faster, better. he feels no pain anymore. he can walk and run. but he's also immortal. and he can't be with humans bc contact with him is toxic humans with weak resistances died immediately once the plague started. so all the humans left are those who resisted full corruption they went after the source of the plague, intending to kill to stop its spread but even when they did get to alister, they couldnt kill him and boy they tried! took him into labs and did horrible things! some succumbed to the plague from overexposure to him but nothing seemed to stop Alister decided he had enough, killed everyone in a haze, left, then decided to make silicon lifeforms he was lonely! all of them are precious to him and every time a hunter kills one, he mourns semihumans who become fully or mostly corrupted he considers part of his family too GOD I COULD MAKE AND PORT SO MANY OCS cade is about 60-70% corrupted. he's definitely in alister's ranks i gotta think tho bc i do want one pure human with the net terminal gene. probably hidden somewhere in one of those cryosomething freeze tanks idk if i have an oc pure enough to fit the role i gotta check my roster TO EXPLAIN THIS. you need the gene to access the netsphere the netsphere is like an evolved form of the internet that's sort of like heaven and also controls some things in base reality, like the robots that are in charge of automated construction of new structures- these have gone haywire which led to uncontrolled growth this is just canon material but my addition is that once alister went full silicon, he also unintentionally became connected to the netsphere without any real authority to do anything, but the system still detected a breach and it locked Everyone out after alister infected them originally only those of pure genetic pedigrees possessed the net gene haha i love caste systems but now they're all fucking Dead. i imagine life wasn't GREAT before the scourge but it was better than a semi-post-post scarcity environment where some places are uninhabitable so you have silicon life out hunting humans to protect alister, or just for territory, and security systems that have been tripped and now safeguards are running around killing everything that moves safeguards are like antivirus programs but like. in base reality

GOD ALISTER GROWN UP BUT LIKE EVIL AESTHETIC. ALL BLACK EVERYTHING. he definitely has morphing skills, he can connect himself to technology and easily control it bc hes not organic, innocent boy is now twisted and sitting on his throne of black, corrupted human bones truthfully though alister just... wants to successfully turn more humans into silicon so he can make friends and be happy it's sad that they don't usually survive. hundreds of years of loneliness dulled his moral compass the silicon close to him feel like they're not enough they are hideous but fully sentient and intelligent with the same emotions as humans but ig to alister it's not the same. he still loves them but. he truly was human in the past in the end silicon can't truly replace flesh alex... is a high level safeguard with sentience unlike the low level automated ones that attack everything fuck ALEX OF ALL MY OCS TAKES THE PLACE OF KILLY IN CANON THE FUCK he'd probably operate differently tho. way more compassion

"once i find the net terminal gene, most likely the system will begin to purge all impurities. any and all corrupted will likely die. ... but i see no reason to shorten the life of a man already dead." this includes the humans with resistances. people like rey, ray, keith all resistant humans are <50% corrupted. they cannot be allowed to live bc there is a chance exposure to toxic materials or alister will continue the process but i think alex would change his mind and try to find a way to cure it using the net terminal gene he makes friends with the bounty hunting group, aka keith and the twins... and eventually they will find dom and. oh god what if dom is 80+ percent corrupted what if they have to put her down I AM MAKING MYSELF UPSET

BUT FUCK IT WPULD BE A GOOD CATALYST FOR ALEX TO CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT LETTING ALL THE CORRUPTED DIE AHHHHH also alex in an all black suit with a little cyan neck ribbon I LOVE MY OCS SORRY I ALSO LOVE BLAME AND SCIFI FUCK ME UP anyway i think im done for now but ughghfjgh im thinking about this for days

[bubba532to]

Title:  Fate Mountain: Complete Series (Small Town Bear Shifter Romance)    Author: Scarlett Grove The Rescue Bears series The Bear Patrol series The Timber Bear Ranch series            Bonus Books Lion's Halloween Baby Cowboy Bear's Christmas Surprise Beauty and the Bad Bearlionaire Release Date: #AlreadyReleased Reviewer: Ingrid Stephanie Jordan Genre: #PRN #BearShifter 18 Books at 5stars each = #90Stars My Rating: #5Stars☆☆☆☆☆ •••••••••••••• OMG can you believe this 3 Full Series  even 3 Holiday Stories. Eighteen Books in one package. We hit GOLD. Ms. Scarlett has everything in these mind blowing books - Adventure, Survival, Fear, Betrayal, Suspense, Action Packed, Loyalty, Hate, Love, so much Drama, Revenge, Sacrifice, Ex-Navy SEALS Breath taking Cops and Detectives  Shifter Cowboys and Ranchers ALL TIED UP IN ONE PACKAGE Wowzer! •••••••••••• Rescue Bears Chief Bear  #1      Levi Blackthorn is Chief Bear and a shifter, a regular hottie who owns the Fate Mountain Lodge. Corey is his computer expert developed a Dating App that he said was 100% solid. Levi is tired of being alone so he thought why not try the dating app maybe he'll find his fated mate, looking through a lot of the curvy women that are human he didn't see anything but then all of a sudden there was his 100%, he couldn't believe his eyes.      Juliet Fernandez loved her position being a graphic designer but she hated her boss, he picked on her constantly. But when she reported him his boss said to sucked it up or find a new job. Saying there's a hundred Julie's waiting to work. So needless to say she grinned a bared it. Juliet just wanted to be loved, has she found it? ••••••••••••  Title:  WILD BEAR  #2 Chief Bear aka: Levi didn't really want to hire him because Shane's couldn’t control his Bear and you never knew when he would take over there were humans at Fate Mountain Lodge. Shane decided to prove that the Match Dating App wouldn't work because he had a secret..... He already knew his fated mate. Lily Mason is a human, working as a waitress in a greasy spoon diner. She moved back to Fate Mountain, so her 5 year old hybrid shifter son, Theo so he would grow up around shifters. After years of knowing Theo's dad, there first and only night together, she woke up alone, he was gone and never came back. Lily was heart broken especially since he told her she was his fated mate. •••••••••••• Title:  Big Bear #3      Poppy Robins is an accountant/book keeper working for a Russian import-exports company through the year she felt like something was going on but she really wasn't sure plus she couldn't prove it, so she believed her boss, an let it go. Poppy needed to go out she was lonely, never going anywhere it was just her and Malcolm, her parrot. When she saw the app called Mate.com. While signing up Poppy over heard her boss talking she knew she had to leave, grabbing her purse, keys her boss's son grabs her than threatens her. Poppy went home and decided was time to leave so she packed and got Malcolm. Beep Beep her phone rang Mate.com found her 100% mate !!!      Angus Grant aka Big Bear is a Grizzly Bear on top of he's a famous wood furniture  maker and also part of the Rescue Bears his life was full with all his Ex Navy Seals that was the rescue crew for the Fate Mountain Lodge in the Fate Mountains. All he was missing is that he hadn't found his mate.  •••••••••••• Title: Brew Bear  #4 Drew Bock owned The Fate Mountain Brewery, making his own brew, loving every minute of it. Brew Bear also was part of the Rescue Bears Team. Lately though he felt like a lost crazy Bear, nothing is sacred anymore. Quinn Jacobs works for PR executive in Portland. Not only was she very talented she was very successful, but then she went to her friend's wedding and something happened one night, everything changed her life. The pull was unbearable she had to have, she begged and she got marked. ••••••••••••  Title:  Ski Bear #5     Zach Rayner is a Polar Bear Ski Instructor who grew up in San Diego happy, great attitude and surfed, skiing,just a happy go lucky kid loving life. He was in the X - Games when war broke out than enlisted was a Navy Seal. Zach turned out to be quite a ladies man too. A Bear with many talents. To bad he's been waiting a year and still no match from Match.com.      Maisie Green came from Paris after she became an award-winning pastry chef she decided it was time to go home to be with her mother and to open a bakery on main street in the Fate Mountain Village. Everything was great but her mom was right she needed a boyfriend. ••••••••••••   Title: Geek Bear  #6      As a computer programmer Whiz Kids, Corey Bright invented the app that would find his Rescue Team there fated mate. Mate.com which was a shifter/ human dating site,  yep it worked for his buddies, it seemed to work very  well that it just added to his billions but than he could care less about money and he wasn't interested in finding his fated mate. Little did he know that the Rescuer Bears had other plans for him. Will they succeed?      Willow Rhine is the ghostwriter for the famous romance author, Sandra Collins. Willow didn’t want all the signings and press chattings, she just wanted to write, which for some reason she has writers block better yet somehow someone found her out and now she has a stalker who loves to send threatening messages. Now for once what seems like a long time since anything went right she a match. Yep they found her Fated Mate at Fate Mountain. •••••••••••• Bear Patrols  # 1-5  Title:  Commander Bear  #1  Rollo Morris is the head sheriff who decided to  do what the other Bears did use Corey Bright's application to find his mate. Low and behold he finds his mate , who happens to be Corey Bright's sister and she's as messed up as Corey was. Well it didn't matter Rollo was not going to be distracted, he found his mate and he was keeping her no matter what was happening. She was his and no FBI or Mob Pin was taking her from him.   Zoe Bright is a Jaguar Shifter that was forced to be a jewel thief, plus she is the sister of the Rescue Bear Corey the inventor of the Mate App. Being forced to do a job close to her brother was a God send in a way because Zoe learned she was interested in woodworking and loved Fate Mountain not to mention her application in the Mate App found her 100% Mate. She knew it was all short lived, soon she had to take the stolen jewels to the boss. Can she leave her brother? Fate Mountain? Her Mate? •••••••••••• Title: Detective Bear  Book #2   Gauge Stockwell is a Polor Bear Shifter where he worked in the police station as a detective. Investing many leads for the epidemic going around that killing people especially shifters. Everthing seems to be just out of reach. Who ever was making the drug "crystal" had to be  caught, putting them away for life. Then he has a break thru on the net with Stonewall666 to boot, going undercover was the only way he would catch them. Now his cell is pinging for what, No way after applying two years ago to Mate.Com  when he is going deep cover they find his mate. What does he do now?   Lola Lockheart has been high on Fate Mountain, hours upon hours back packing up away from civilization. A whole year of loneliness with no one to talk to , to laugh, to have fun going against her stepbrother and his anti-shifter gang would be death. Lola lived in a tent with no fires or heat, being forced to cut crystal in a cold cave of Fate Mountain, far underground away from everyone. Lola just knew she was going to die here, with no one to cherish her. •••••••••••• Title: Cadet Bear #3    Rosa Reyes is so tired she works in Los Angeles as Administrative Assistant when coming home one day 2 weeks ago to find that her sister was not at home never made it home from school. Going to the police department to file a missing-person they said to her they didn't feel this was a missing persons, they felt that her teenage sister ran away from home but she knew that she didn't run away from home, she knew her sister would never do that. Rosa would never give up so she decided to investigate on her own, and that's why she was driving up the coast, realizing there was a lot of kidnappings just like her sister. Rosa was tired and running out of money but she just knew she was close. Bored and looking for something else to do since she couldn't fall asleep she did an application for match. com and guess what hundred percent baby she got a hundred percent!    Heath Reynolds is quite a Bear Shifter, he left High School to take care of his sick mother and the when she past the war happened. So when it was all said and done, he went back to high school at the Institude and then he went into law enforcement, now he's on Fate Mountain in the Bear Patrol. Buying his house all thats left is a mate. Patiently waiting on Match.Com for a year now he was flabbergasted to get a bing from his phone saying he got a 100% yep life was good. •••••••••••• Title: Tech Bear  Book #4    Damien Fellows is a Bear Shifter aka: Tech Bear working for Fate Mountain Police Depart. His favorite past time has been playing Dragon Lands for the last seven years as Tech Bear Paladin. He can never get enough of this game especially since he always played and chatted with Elf Rogue. Some day he would get his the nerve to asked her out, after all they've known each other for so long. He has tried to find his mate for years now on Mated.com there was nothing, why not meet Elf Rogue.    Raven Lucas is a is a techie & a coder, has been since High School so money is good for her plus she can work from anywhere. Raven was five years old her mother told her no matter what I'll always be back for you. She disappeared and Raven went into the system, everyone told her, her mother abandoned her but she knew better her mother gave her love, she mother promised her she'd always be back. She started looking, for years now, finally she got a break, her mother was last seen at Fate Mountain Lodge.   •••••••••••• Title:  Deputy Bear  Book #5   Harper Brown is grieving, her grandfather who she has became close too the last two years, past away. Harper went every weekend to visit her grandfather in the nursing home since they both still lived in Portland. Than the floor fell out from under her, first the will was read her grandfather gave her the summer fishing cabin, that was quite a surprise. She than went home only to find her boyfriend in bed with her girlfriend shocked she screamed, packed her things up and left. Harper had no choice but to quit her job and go to the fishing cabin. At almost Christmas the cabin was freezing with the small electric heater in the bedroom the rest of the cabin was heated by the fireplace, it was going to be a long winter. She decided to sign up at Mate. com and there it was 100% match.    Deputy Knox Carter of the Fate Mountain Bear Patrol has finally found his mate, only to maybe lose her. His Alpha, Boss, Best Friend, Rollo demanded he stay away from her. Is that possible? Can a mated couple before the bite stay away from each other? And why was his boss so determined to keep them apart? •••••••••••• Timber Bear Ranch Complete   Title:  Boss Bear   #1      Sylvia Becker is a tax auditor, she was given a new assignment what already looked cut and dry this ranch probably owes millions for years of back taxes. At twenty eight years old, Sylvia was tired of her mother's blind dates she arranges for her. They all are big failures, so sitting at the Brewery at Fate Mountain she thought why not join Mate.com. Sure enough  her 100% popped up, he was so beautiful, wait can a man be beautiful? Hunk, Striking, Handsome Adonis she ever seen.      Leland James Kincaid is a Grizzly Bear Shifter, he hasn't been back to Timber Bear Ranch on Fate Mountain in seven years. So coming back was hard when his dad had a heart attack and died. Then as if it wasn't hard enough Leland found out he inherited 50% of the ranch plus the title of Alpha of the Kincaid family. His brother's Jessie is the baby, Buck is the second oldest, Cyrus was the third born he hasn't been home as long as Leland, living a day away if the bear would run up on the mountain. Leland doesn’t understand how his father could let the shape of the ranch go down while years of bills piled up. They were in trouble and he just got home. ••••••••••••  Title:  Saw Bear  #2      Maria Reyes she's human and studies botany at the Bright Institute for shifters Her sister ad mate lives on Fate Mountain too, but Maria always feels alone in her sisters shadow. It seems that if anything can go wrong it happens to her. Maria was attacked and bitten, she ran far to a cave in the woods her lioness was feral plus very crazy. Maria was trying to survive as much as possible but her lion took over anytime and it could be days before she was herself again. Her mate want to protect her, she wants him to leave. Maybe he should end her now?      Buck Kincaid is a Grizzly Bear Shifter who works on the family owned Timber  on Fate Mountain. Seven years ago he applied on an app for mates but nothing until today. He's so excited he texted her but then she said something happened and she can't be his mate. Going on with life all though him and his Bear were miserable, than accidentally Buck runs into a shifter clawing up trees, when he gets close enough he smelled his mate, to late he was attacked. Can he help his mate? Does he have to destroy a feral shifter even if it's his mate? •••••••••••• Title:  Mountain Bear  #3      Daisy Danes is a rich spoiled brat or is she? Her stepdad gives her anything she want but love and an education. One day he tells her to pack a bag she is finally going to be worth something. He sold her for crystal, what's bad is he's sold her to the Updike's the Hyenas Shifters that were nothing but criminals. She knew the Updike brother's were not her fated mate so she applied to Match .com and found her 100% but it was to late.      Cyrus Kincaid is a Grizzly Bear Shifter who it was very in tune with his bear. His bear could talk to the forest in his human side was getting close to doing the same thing. He loved his life on Fate Mountain he'd been here for so many years since the war, but there was one thing missing his mate. He wanted to share everything, so Jessie his brother put him on Match. com. but nothing has happened yet. Then there was a knock at his door. Who would have thought that the Mountain Bear would find   on Fate Mountain? •••••••••••• Title: Mechanic Bear  #4      Dana Myers is Fox Shifter who basically is a slave to the Updike brothers who were Hyenas that live the life of crime. Since Dana's Clan sold her for the money they owed the Updike Brothers she has been making plans to try to escape. Working for two years for them with no pay, Dana has scavenged everything she could on the floor anywhere she found money here and there and kept it all and now it was her time her time to escape. Of course Dana has no luck, the car she steals breaks down, she finds her fated mate now when she's running and as if that's not enough she has a surprise in the trunk.      Jessie Kincaid is a Grizzly Shifter who is the Mechanic Bear. To get his sister-in-law's off his back he went ahead and signed up with mate.com and of course they found his match, a hundred percent no less, she was gorgeous. He couldn't place her but he knows her but from somewhere? Who would of thought his fated mate needed a tow •••••••••••• Title: Lion’s Halloween Baby      Geneva Zales is a White Hedge Witch she goes on day by day doing everything that she has always done in life. Except there isn't that thrill that it use to be. After losing her mother a year ago she has not bounced back yet. Plus her Coven wanted her to take over her mother’s position as matriarch. Being a white hedge witch Geneva didn't feel she was educated or powerful enough to be the matriarch of the Coven. But tonight on All Hallows Eve she will asked and than know the answers.      Rowan Tark is a Lion Shifter he has been riding around aimlessly on his Harley  motorcycle for the last six months after leaving the military. Not knowing what he wanted in life or where he was going. Than one night almost loosing his life he knew what he wanted. He heard good things for shifter at Fate Mountain ••••••••••••  Cowboy Bear's Christmas Surprise        Mia Royce was running for her life, she had to get away, get away fast there was no way she was going to let these men do what they wanted to do to her. So she drove and drove ending up at Fate Mountain. Her car was climbing on the freeway, the roads were getting worse all of a sudden a big tree came at her, and she blacked out.      Connor Milton is a Bear Shifter and a Rancher. It was hard work for one person but at the end of the day it was rewarding. He has been hoping for years now to find his mate and no one has turned up. The way Connor saw it was either he found his fated mate or it was nothing at all. Who knew his Fated Mate would crash right into his tree. I almost forgot to ask, Do you like Gingerbread Cookies? ••••••••••••      Title: Beauty and the Bad Bearlionair      Matilda Swank was in such a mess two years ago she left her mom's to live with her boyfriend Tim his whole family had a business, meat packing so she work there with him. He spends all her money going to the bars, picking up women, she finally had enough. Problem was since he spent all her money she's has to live with her mom plus working in her cleaning business. She decided to see if she could get a 100% at Mate. com. Being attracted to an grumpy esentric billionaire was the pit and his house was so dirty too.           James Hill is a Military Grizzly Bear Shifter who sold his business after coming back from serving his country. The Great War ended and many shifters were damaged, broken. His Bear is one of them, he's out of control and breaks out when ever he wants to hunt, this is a problem among humans so James bought a mansion on Fate Mountain. It was perfect no one was around him except his cleaning maids who all quit because he was a pig and growly grumpy bear. But James was very lonely maybe he could not be so crazy for a Mate? He went to the site one maid told him about, Mate.com than called Fate Mountain Cleaning to get another maid, his mansion was like there was a pig here instead of a bear. Could his broken Bear be good? ••••••••••••      A copy of this book was provided to me with no requirements for a review. I voluntarily read this book and my comments here are my honest opinion.