#all of 2004 was camp and you can’t change my mind | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bokutouch · 3 years

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Hi!!! I was wondering if I could get an eternal matchup pls??

- my names Olivia and I’m 17.

- I go by she/her pronouns and I want to be matched with a male character from Haikyuu!! please.

- My birthday is January 6th, 2004 and I’m a Capricorn Sun, Cancer Moon, and Libra Rising (my Mercury is in Sagittarius, my Venus is in Aquarius, and my Mars is in Aries if you wanted to know the rest).

- I’m 5’2, I have brownish-red hair and blue eyes.

- I spend a lot of time doing school work because I’m really driven by it and I’ve had good grades a majority of high school. When I’m not doing schoolwork I enjoy listening to music or going on a walk! I really like going on sunrise/sunset walks bc they’re always really pretty! I try to do community service in my free time because I really enjoy helping others out. I'm currently a summer camp counselor but I hope to be a lab tech one day :)

- If I were to go on a date with a partner I don't really mind what we do, but I like book dates, movie dates, and especially museum dates!! In a partner I'm looking for someone who shares the same interests as me, is kind, has a good sense of humor, and most importantly can understand and work through my emotions with me. I get really bad mood changes so if he can work with me through that I really value it. My love languages are acts of service and quality time.

- I think that one of my fatal flaws is that although I appear kind and respectful when I’m out in public, I have pretty severe anxiety, depression, and anger issues so I struggle with that a lot. I also get really defensive and stubborn when someone says something that annoys me so i kinda never stop talking lol.

- To finish off I’m an ISFP and Enneagram Type 9v1.

- I hope you have a great day! Ty if you do this! ❤

Hello olivia, thanks for coming to my brand new rocket ship!! 🚀

first of all I apologize bcs I'm not really educated about astrology,

so I'll just use your other description as best as I could okay??

I SHIP YOU WITH AKAASHI KEIJI!

"why akaashi?" you might askㅡ

first of all, some part of you reminded me of bokuto.

and some part of you definitely reminded akaashi of bokuto too. it's not a bad thing really.

Akaashi looks at you and think, "ah, she is my home."

because "home" supposed to be comfortable, because home supposed to be familiar. Being with you bring him peace. You are his home, his tranquility, his safe haven.

Most people told him, "God- you are such a boring person, Akaashi." and as the time goes by, he is starting to believe that tooㅡ but thats until you come into his life.

You're one of his classmate. And not gonna lie, at first akaashi only know you as the quiet girl who always buried her nose in books. "If I am boring, she must be a lot more boring than me." that's what he thought of you, bcs really everytime he sees you, its always you and your books. He understands the importance of having good grades, but should you really be doing that everyday?

The first time you two have a really long talk was when one day akaashi saw you still sitting inside your shared classroom, all alone bcs it's almost 6 pm and of course everybody left already. Nose buried deep in books like you always do, but this time he could hear you humming a song- it's a song that he also enjoyed listening to. He never sing in front of other people before, but for some reason he wanted to join your little secret concert at that time, so he did. He sing along to your little hummingㅡ 1 song turn into 2, turn into 3, and you still didn't notice him at all. He laughed a little because "what's so interesting in that clinical laboratory science book that she doesn't even realized I've been here for almost 10 minutes already."

He tapped your shoulder two times, and you jumped at that.

"H-hey? Um, sorry, I just.. I've been waiting here for you to finally notice me but I guess that book is really interesting, huh?" he smiled at you, feeling a little bad after seeing your reaction at his little tap tap on your shoulder.

"Oh, yes... I want to be a lab tech in the future, so um you know, just preparing." you awkwardly smiled back at him.

"Well, uh.. I know you definitely going to be an amazing lab tech one day. I saw you reading tons of books related to that job everyday in class, so... I believe your hardwork will be paid off."

"wait... that was so nice of him." you stared at akaashi who's currently fidgeting with his fingers.

"Thank you for saying that, Akaashi. That really means a lot to me. People have been telling me that my dream job is just that, a dream. Hearing you saying that someday my hardwork will be paid off really motivate me to prove them wrong. I swear I'm gonna rub it on their face once I got the job." you grins at him.

And at that, Akaashi heart beating a little bit faster than the usual. Was it your thankful speech for him? Was it your cute little grin? He doesn't really knowㅡ one thing he knows for sure though, he wants to keep talking to you. From today, tomorrow, and as long as you would let him.

"Hey, uh... it's going to get dark soon. Do you maybe want to go home together with me?"

You could see how nervous akaashi was after asking you that question, so you just nods and start fixing your books into your bag. Right before you zip up your bag, you remembered the main reason you are still in the classroom at that hour is because you were planning to see the sunset on your way back home, "Wait Akaashi, I actually want to see the sunset today..."

"Oh? I usually go home as the sun set due to my volleyball practice. The sight look really pretty if you see it from on top of the hills behind our school. Do you want to go there? I can show you the best spot."

Of course you accept his offer enthusiastically. So yes, that day is the beginning of your friends to lovers type of relationship with Akaashi.

Akaashi confessed to you first.

His friend circle are full of annoying people. They all be like,

"COME ON AKAASHI!! CONFESS YOUR UNDYING LOVE TO OLIVIA ALREADY."

"AKAASHI, DO YOU WANT TO SEE OTHER GUY SNATCH HER UP? HUH? ANSWER ME. AKAASHI!! AKAASHI!! WAIT UP!! "

"AKAASHI, WHAT IF OLIVIA DECIDED TO FALL FOR SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING SUCH A PUSSY AND WON'T CONFESS TO HER?"

"AKAASHI THIS" "AKAASHI THAT" "AKAASHI" "AKAASHI"

so during your usual study date day, he just decided to straight up ask you to be his girlfriend.

"W-what?" you just sat there for a whole minute because... what if things gonna feel different once you two put a real label to your not so friendly friendship? What if being friends with Akaashi is a lot more better than being his girlfriend? What if he ended up leaving you because he doesn't like the real you? There are so many ugly things that you hide from him, would he still love you the same after seeing all those imperfection? so many what if(s) going inside of your head, so little time to actually process each one of it.

"Umm, you can say no, you know...." all the messy thoughts inside your head stopped right away after hearing that.

"NO! wait, Keiji- I mean, not no to be your girlfriend, its no to me saying no to be your girlfriend." God, its hard to be in love. You can't control your heart, your brain, and now your tongue. God bless your soul, olivia.

"So.... is that a yes to be my girlfriend then?" Akaashi looks really small in that moment. He is still not sure if he can finally kiss you or not. Only being a friend to you for these past 6 months kept him from doing a lot of romantic stuff with you. Kissing you, holding your hands for no reason, hugging you any time he wants to, actually go on a study date with you instead of a childish study day. So now he really won't waste a single time if you answer his previous question with a "Yes" ;

After having a long talk about your imperfections, all your insecurities, and also tons of frustrated tears coming from your eyes, you finally say yes and there you have your new title as Akaashi Keiji's new girlfriend. He definitely got his long waited kiss from you too 🌻.

HEADCANON(s)!!

Bokuto once joined you and akaashi's museum date and he broke a statue hand after trying to handshake the statue. He grabbed the broken hand and show it to you and akaashi with teary eyes. Can't do nothing but running for your life and never comeback to that one particular museum 😭

You and Akaashi have the same love language, "Act of Service" ; So the two of you enjoy giving each other little massage here and there.

Just like you, Akaashi love being helpful for others too, so he really enjoyed the time he spent accompanying you to all your community service agendas. People that you two have been helping together ship you guys so much, especially the elderly couple. They keep saying "You two will make it until old days like us two."

After a long time dating eachother, you two decided to adopt a cute siberian husky that you named "Bobo". Akaashi rejected that name at first, because "Honestly love, I don't like how you picked a name so close to Bokuto's name. Our dog deserves better." You gasped at that, "How dare you, Keiji. This is our son! And his name is Bobo. I don't take no for an answer."

RUNNER UP(s) !!

OSAMU MIYA

SAWAMURA DAICHI

SHINSUKE KITA

alright this getting too long haha.

I hope you enjoy the results, love 🦋

#🦋eternal matchup!#angie's matchup🕊#matchup #haikyuu matchup

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inhibited-irregularity · 3 years

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EUROVISION 2021, personal favorites:

- Russia 🇷🇺

Manizha, Russian Woman: Absolute favorite. The sheer originality of the song! Her energy and the level of absolute badassery! She can sing, she can rap,and she's a bomb of energy. The way reggae and brass and hiphop and Slavic melodies overlap and it somehow works, the transitions between fun and "I'm bitter about the sexism and I'm mocking it unapologetically and making a stand" and the anthemic, emphatic and powerful message to Russian women; I was swelling with emotion while watching her. While to an American or a Westerner it may seem like performative feminism, I'm gonna remind you that in Russia and other Slavic countries that's very much not a thing and actually a very unpopular stand to make, and in Russia, The Balkans, and Eastern Europe in general, hundreds of women face domestic and sexual abuse on the daily, and those who do come forward rarely get support and are mostly dismissed. Let's not forget that Manizha got a huge backlash from the Russian government officials, and a big part of it was for her Tajik roots. The honesty of her message is real, and she's speaking from personal experience and the experience of women around her - nothing performative about her song, and you can tell from her delivery that the fire within her is true and she leaves her heart on the stage and pours it into the song. The staging and costumes are great as well, and symbolically well thougt-through. I would really like her to win, or at least get to the top 5. Most of all, I hope her message is heard and felt. 10000/10

- Italy 🇮🇹

Måneskin, Zitti e Buoni: definitely the closest thing to my actual music taste this year, so liking them off the bat wasn't a surprise. However, they're not just your regular Franz-Ferdinand-ish young alt rock band that wants to do rock "properly" - they have IT. The X factor, the Je ne sais quoi. I've been exposed to that particular genre, and I can confidently say that the song still manages to be refreshing and original (that bridge, those riffs!) The band has a great energy and no matter how much Damiano steals the show, they are still a unit and nobody is left in the shadows. They have the spirit of great rock bands of the previous century, and yet they don't try to copy anyone (khm,Greta Van Fleet, khm). Damiano's vocals are both powerful, seductive and provoking, and I'm still admiring the sheer amount of emotion he can pack into a single line and the nuance and yet rawness behind it. I'm not gonna state the obvious lol (the obvious being yes, I'm thirsty as well, he becomes yet another unattainable rockstar for me too,and yes they all look great) Anyway, great song, and maybe the clearest and most serious candidate for the number one spot, taking both the jury and the public into consideration. 10/10

- Iceland 🇮🇸

Daði Freyr and Gagnamagnið, 10 years:

What can I say about this masterpiece that hasn't already been said? A clear fan-favorite (hi, Valentina), but with the guns to back it up. The song is contagious, fun and campy, and unlike some other songs with said qualities, actually good from a musical perspective. Daði is incredibly charismatic and his sense of humor shines through, and even though he's the star of the show, the same can be said about the other band members. The synergy Måneskin has can be applied to Gagnamagnið as well, even though the energy is entirely different. They're serving us fun, sunshine, kitties rainbows sugar spice and everything nice, and manage to do it with zero cringe factor (plus those funky keytars). I'm one of those Eurovision fans that lament the golden age's (2004-2009) campiness (We'll never forget you, Verka), and Daði managed to bring it back, but modernised, polished and still sincere. I personally preferred the epic dad joke that slightly more commercial Think About Thing was (but that's one tough act to follow), but I'm always down for a husband adoring his wife and singing praises to their relationship. Since we're on tumblr, I feel obliged to use the term "cinnamon rolls" in describing Daði and the band. 9.5/10

- France 🇫🇷

Barbara Pravi, Voilà: She brought the theatrics, she brought the drama, and she brought the 101 in "that's how you perform". Her personality leaps through, and her voice is both beautiful and full of emotion and power. I'd hire her to star in a serious and artistic movie. Despite the fact that Voilà is from its melody to the singing style to the video to the vibe and the aesthetic hands down the most French thing I've seen since Amélie (do not come for that movie), it miraculously doesn't come across as a cliché, but rather an homage, and an individualistic one at that. It's not entirely my cup of tea, since I'm usually biased to songs that may come off as snobbish (I mean, the jury is going to lap it up), and are all about being proper and technical and oh how ~artistic~, but Barbara puts the soul into the immaculate. I'm not giving her the highest mark because I'm yet to see the performance, but I'm rooting for her. If she delivers the performance, we might have a clear winner. 9/10

- Ukraine 🇺🇦

Go_A, Shum: I'm a sucker for all things ethnic and mytological, so this was a no-brainer. I want that song played at every party. I want to go to the forest in the video and chant and summon the spring with flute and hard-bass. Kateryna Pavlenko has some unexplainable power over me, and her eyes are simply hypnotizing. The vocals are great, proper Slavic ethno right there (seriously, check out Slavic folklore and traditional music), and she has a subtle punk quality too(?). Ukraine came to save the spring and make us forget about the pandemic, and minus the Maruv fiasco (justice for her!), they always deliver and I expected nothing less. On the other hand, I loved the original version much more and couldn't help but be a bit disappointed with the revamp (yes, I know they had to), and while I personally love Shum, I think some other acts are more deserving of the higher placement. Go_A are not my winner, but definitely soon to be in my playlist. 8/10

- San Marino 🇸🇲

Adrenalina, Senhit ft. Flo Rida: You know that golden age of Eurovision I mentioned? THIS. I'm Serbian, so I can't resist a banger reminiscent of our horrible turbo-folk elements (and I say that endearingly,takes me back to 18th birthday parties (boy I'm glad that's over)). Let's just crown Senhit this year's Queen of Camp. The wild factor of Flo Rida...just?? Amazing. Can't wait to see how the performance goes (EDIT- it went great, I had a grin on my face the entire time and couldn't help but dance along). A certain refreshment after Serhat and Valentina Monetta endless loop. They didn't dial down the weird, but made it catchy af, and the vocal can rival any Balkan folk diva. While I think it's definitely the most entertaining entry this year, it's far from being the most original, and it's not really my genre of preference. Will vote for Senhit and root for her to qualify. 7.5/ 10

- Sweden 🇸🇪

Tusse, A million voices: As I mentioned before, I'm the first person that starts complaining about Sweden Superiority as soon as Eurovision season begins, and I'm with you all with being tired of Sweden qualifying just because they're Sweden and usually just bringing the same brand of MTV/Calvin Harris/American pop, or a successful and not-so-subtle imitation of the performances that did well the previous year,but listen: A million voices is a solid pop song and I'm going to die on that hill. It actually embodies the essence of pop - a catchy, pleasant melody sung by a good vocalist, with a short,sweet and uplifting message. It's not the same as previous years, it's not commercial, just good pop - good pop being something you immediately like and vibe to no matter how many common elements of the genre it checks. It relies on RnB rather than electronic sounds, auto tune or various DJ effects. Tusse is charming and charismatic af, and he's a 19yo kid doing an amazing job on a global stage. You don't have to like it, but there's no need to hate on it (ask Jendrik). Imo, Tusse deserved to qualify. Not winner material yet, but I wish him a fun time and a successful career. 7 5/10

- Switzerland 🇨🇭

G'jons Tears, Tout L'Univers: I saw the video first, and I HATED IT. It came across as a Duncan Lawrence-high-art wannabe, something technically perfect, but empty of soul or meaning, another soft boy with a sad falsetto, another jury-points bait. BUT. I changed my mind entirely after seeing him perform. Hands down, it was touching and epic. Reminding me of Hamlet aside, he DELIVERED, and made me love him, and actually enjoy the song. I still think the song is less original than Tusse's voices, but I enjoy the troubadour vibes of the pre-chours. G'jon is absolutely adorable, and I'm not gonna be mad if he wins. 8/10

shout-outs&honorable mentions:

- Serbia 🇷🇸 Yes, some national bias, but I'm proud of our girls. Ever Since we placed 2nd with Željko's Lane, we had that goddamn flute e v e r y year, and the same outdated scenography with a side of extra pathos (I'm sure that ruined Sanja's chances and her otherwise great performance back in 2016.) Finally something fun and actually representative of the music popular here. They looked flawless and the energy was off the charts. Go, Hurricane!

-Finland 🇫🇮 Yes, cheesy and corny and I cut my finger accidentally from watching the video on all the edge, but I'm biased because they're bringing emo and nu-metal back, and that's the music of my early adolescence (hello, Kaulitz brothers and Andy Biersack,hello Gerard Way and Linkin Park) Call me grandma lol

- Malta 🇲🇹 DESTINY CAN SIIIIIIIIING! I wasn't impressed with the song initially, but the performance blew my mind.

- Ireland 🇮🇪 A for effort, and so nice of her to try and give us something unique! While it wasn't good enough to qualify, it was super fun and she seems so nice. Also, we all know that she was out of breath an can sing much better than that. Still wasn't bad.

- Romania 🇷🇴, for being so young and brave enough to put on a show. The nerves got the better of her, but the song itself is good and no doubt she'll do well in the future

- Lithuania 🇱🇹, thanks for the memeries

- Croatia 🇭🇷, Not my cup of tea, but Albina gave a great performance

-Norway 🇳🇴, for embodying the spirit of Eurovision

- North Macedonia 🇲🇰, for the disco chest

- The UK 🇬🇧, for putting some effort

(Might edit later)

#eurovison #eurovision 2021 #rotterdam #the netherlands #russia #malta #italy #france #iceland #sweden #serbia #esc 2021 #switzerland #san marino #ukraine

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mcustorm · 4 years

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JATP is like a 5-hour DCOM

As I’ve expressed previously, when I initially saw the gif-sets for this series I basically said “I’ll pass, thanks.” I don’t know what changed (probably the treachery that is the reality tv I’m currently watching), but I decided to go ahead and check it out, if only for some much needed levity.

And at first, I was not feeling this, like at all. The dialogue was cringey, the songs were *meh*, I couldn’t keep up with the show’s own internal logic.

By episode 5 however, the show was cooking with gas. We had stakes, drama (family drama! relationship drama! band drama!), villains, and yes, humor to round out the whole thing. And that’s when it hit me: this show is basically a 5-hour Disney Channel Original Movie. This shouldn’t have been so surprising, seeing as to how it’s the work of the legendary Kenny Ortega [among others].

Granted, I haven’t seen a new DCOM since 2013 apparently, so at the very least the show harkens back to the movies of yesteryear. Even so, I have to imagine movies [that I haven’t seen] like Descendants or Zombies have some of these tropes:

The Surreal, Fantasical Situation - The Thirteenth Year, The Luck of the Irish, The Other Me

The Grand Musical Numbers - High School Musical, Teen Beach Movie

The Popular Girl Who Hates Me - High School Musical, Read it and Weep, Cadet Kelly

The Band’s Interpersonal Drama - The Cheetah Girls, Lemonade Mouth

The Missing Mother - Jump In!, Smart House, Dadnapped!

The Affable Trio - Minutemen, Camp Rock

The Wacky Sidekick - Stuck In the Suburbs, Read it and Weep, KP: STD

The Forgettable Rock Songs - Camp Rock, Lemonade Mouth

The Villain Who We Don’t Know is Evil, But Has a Sympathetic Sidekick - Up, Up, and Away!, The Proud Family Movie, High School Musical (2), The Cheetah Girls (2)

The Insecure Protagonist Who’s Just Gotta Find The Strength Inside Of Them - Like every single DCOM ever

And let’s not forget Pixel Perfect, the 2004 movie that’s about a guy who has to create a holographically projected character to help his band succeed. Sound familiar?

--sn: I haven’t seen that movie in ~15 years, when I was kindergarten-aged. Still, I went to rewatch it last night and it’s amazing how you can hear a song from that long ago and go “Yea, I remember this!” Music is a wonderful thing.--

Ortega knows DCOM’s like the back of his hand. When The Cheetah Girls 2 (which Ortega choreographed and directed) premiered, it was the highest rated DCOM in history; High School Musical 2 topped that record a year later, and by the way, that record still hasn’t--nor will it ever be, I’d venture to say--topped.

He knows what makes us, the young, impressionable audience, tick and get invested with the worlds that he builds. He even understands that now, in 2020 and on Netflix, all of that gay subtext that we’ve been talking about in HSM for years can actually be a real thing. So yea, it’s no wonder that people took to this quickly.

We love tacky villains, we love good vs. evil, we love sappy love stories/love triangles, and we of course love an emotional attachment to our characters in a relatable way.

None of that is really revolutionary tv. You can get all that stuff from any of the aformentioned movies. Where the show does push the boundary is translating that to a streaming platform. It has diversity which is always a plus. It also allows Ortega to thankfully be just as gay as he wants to be. Not just with the style, because some of these dance scenes were exceptionally campy, but with the characters.

Is there a ship name for Alex and Willie? I haven’t checked the tag, I have no idea. What I do know is that the entirety of Alex’s character and storyline is for the most part lighthearted and carefree. These are the stories and character dynamics that I wish any DCOM of my childhood would have broached, the stories Ortega has gone on the record for having wanted to do previously.

The show is not trying to make a statement with that relationship -- it just is. It’s two guys who find each other and discover they have chemistry, as was done with Julie/Luke and the countless other het-ships that we’ve seen on Disney before. The drama that eventually comes between them isn’t derived from their sexuality, but the plot itself. It makes you think, “With the way HSM/DCOM’s were ingrained into our minds, how beneficial to a generation would it have been to have a couple like that in those movies?”

Well we’ll never know the answer to that question, because it never happened (thanks homophobia!). All we had was subtext, because Cadet Kelly totally had a thing for Stone. That is, until now. It took a couple of decades and a totally separate platform from Disney, but the kids of today finally [sorta] have a DCOM that dares to have openly gay characters. Ortega even in 2020 is revolutionizing the genre. And that gives me a smidgen of hope.

Random thoughts on the episodes:

Flynn is not a character. Now for all I’ve been nostalgic about above, we can do part with the 2-D sidekick. One day we’ll talk about how HSM 3 is a terrible movie and how Taylor got *0* character content for 3 movies while being billed as a main character, likely for diversity purposes. Today is not that day I suppose.

It was so weird that they were going there with Julie/Luke, because the actors are clearly a few years apart. Usually to play 16 year olds, a given tv show will hire 16 year olds or they’ll hire 20 year olds. This show did...both, so it’s weird to watch the grown man playing Reggie going after these girls.

The exact moment I was like, “Alright this show is okay”, is when Nick got on the stage and introduced Julie just seconds after comforting her. Mans was WYLIN.

Nick supposedly did everything right. Sucks to suck. And now he’s possessed by Kilgrave. Tuff.

Julie’s whole family dynamic was cute.

Most of the songs were catchy, but by nature of this show they all kind of had the same structure. They were nice, but I won’t be downloading a soundtrack.

So I liked it. Again, as I can’t fully keep up with the show’s logic: are the guys real humans now? That seems like one of the only plausible ways to keep the show going. But if so, should Caleb still be obsessed with them?

The million dollar question for this show as well: Where do we go from here?

#jatp #julie and the phantoms #thanks for reading

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foreversendmegardenias · 3 years

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Taken from a personal blog on Facebook called, ‘The Beach Boys 101: The Band, The Music, The History’

If you are interested in learning about the reality of The Beach Boys history rather than the idealistic, sanitised version portrayed by the various BB groups on Facebook, then I recommend you follow this blog.

“The Last Years Of Carl Wilson’s Life His Relationship With His Brother Brian Was Definitely Strained.

But Why ?

One of the reasons I decided to start this page is because many of the other Beach Boys pages on Facebook have too many rules and stipulations on what you can and can’t talk about.

For instance, if you talk about Mike Love or say he had any type of talent or made important contributions to the Beach Boys’ music on a Brian Wilson page, that’s unacceptable.

If you say “Mike Love made the recording of “Pet Sounds” difficult” on a pro-Mike Love page you get your comment deleted and even kicked out of the group.

Same goes for Dennis and Carl pages. Even to give the impression that Carl may have been closer to his cousin Mike than to his two brothers is not acceptable even though history proves it most likely was true, especially in the final years of his life.

The most annoying pages of all are the ones run by people who have close relationships to members of The Beach Boys’ inner circle. They wouldn’t dare to say anything critical of a band member because it may damage their relationship with them. Therefore, you are given this “fairytale” perception of how things were.

Obviously we seem to be doing something fans of the band enjoy. After three years this page continues to grow and we thank you all for that.

The whole Beach Boys story is not all sunshine and roses that’s for sure. On this page we want to talk about and debate the difficult subjects part of the history of the band.

The true story of Brian and Carl is one many fans try to avoid. An agenda is pushed that Brian and Carl were close, right to the very end. Sadly though that’s not the case. As a matter of fact, in the very last years of his life Carl was fueding with Brian more than at any other time through his life.

Don’t get me wrong, both Brian and Carl truly loved each other. Carl especially did many things behind the scenes to help Brian get through some of the most difficult times in his life, especially finally breaking away from Eugene Landy.

Yet, from 1995-1998 something with Carl changed. Granted, by this time he may have already been sick and didn’t even know it. After the filming of the excellent Brian Wilson documentary “I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times” which was produced by Don Was, discussions came about proposing that Was would produce a new Beach Boys album using the material written by Brian Wilson and Andy Paley.

In mid-1995, Brian met with with Mike Love and Carl to play a number of songs that he had written with a songwriter named Andy Paley who Wilson had been working with since his solo debut album in 1988.

According to producer Don Was, Mike Love at first seemed receptive but Carl really never was. Not only did Carl not like any of the music or songs, he actually offended Brian by telling him the material was not commercial enough for The Beach Boys.

There could’ve been a number of reasons behind this. Carl was obviously embarrassed by the last Beach Boys’ studio album “Summer In Paradise”, a record where he totally relinquished any artistic control to Mike Love with disastrous results. Also having recently worked with artists like Tom Petty during the “Wildflowers” sessions, and Willie Nelson during the “Stars And Stripes” project definitely had Carl reassessing his own legacy. Especially since he had been writing and recording some new quality material of his own with his peers Robert Lamm of Chicago, and Gerry Beckley of America.

Being the team player he had always been, Carl did record vocals for a song called “Soul Searchin’”, a song he absolutely hated and made his feelings known that he didn’t want it released. (The song would eventually be released six years after his death on Brian’s “Gettin’ In Over My Head” solo album).

From that point onward he would fued with Brian’s wife and soon-to-be manager Melinda, not only about the music Brian had written but he also wasn’t happy that she was pushing him to finish the abandoned “SMiLE” project. Carl felt that would’ve caused Brian to have a nervous breakdown.

According to Don Was , who was present at these sessions, the final straw for Carl was the recording of the song called “Dancin’ The Night Away” that was intended for a show called “Baywatch Nights”. Camera crews were even brought in to film the event as a Beach Boys type of reunion. (A clip of that abandoned documentary will be posted in the comments section).

Carl hated the song so much that he walked out of the recording session which became the final nail in the coffin. After that, even Producer Don Was realized that these songs Brian wrote with Andy Paley weren’t that great and he tactfully told Brian he needed to write some better songs.

Both Melinda and a heartbroken Brian, who thought these were some of the greatest songs he ever wrote, blamed Carl for it all falling apart. That coupled with how Melinda also blamed Carl that Brian could not get a record deal, especially after the “Stars And Stripes Vol. 1” Beach Boys project where she felt Carl treated Brian like an invalid, basically making every record company shy away from giving him a recording contract.

Brian was so livid with Carl that in an interview for Vox Magazine during that period he stated : “Carl is my brother, but Carl is a a******. I love Carl, I love his singing, but he’s an a****** to me. Those guys are too . I oughta beat the h*** out of them all. I dunno, I’d probably get beat up if I tried that. ... I'll work on my own, solo, before I work with a bunch of guys that don’t give a s*** about me.”

It’s a shame that soon after Carl was diagnosed with lung cancer and never had the chance to truly make up with his brother Brian.

As history proves many of those songs Brian wrote with Andy Paley weren’t all that great, just as Carl had stated. (Will post bootlegs of those songs in the comments section).

A few were released on Brian’s 2004 “Gettin’ In Over My Head” album, yet the majority remain unreleased to this day. Even that album wasn’t given a fair chance since just a few months later Brian would finally finish and release “SMiLE” and thankfully (though he came close) never had a nervous breakdown.

Soon after the Andy Paley sessions, Brian would team up with former wrestler and music businessman Joe Thomas to have a much more successful songwriting collaboration that continues to this day, even though Melinda tried to sue Joe after the release of Brian’s comeback album “Imagination” in 1998, stating he didn’t allow Brian to produce that album the way he wanted to.

Brian, along with Joe Thomas, did write and record the beautiful “Lay Down Burden” a song Brian would later dedicate as a tribute to Carl proving how much Brian truly loved his baby brother. Carl also recorded a song as a tribute to Brian before his death called “Like A Brother”.

There’s no doubt in my mind, especially the kind of man that he was, that Carl would’ve made peace with Brian (the two did get together to watch the Super Bowl just days before Carl died, proof they may have been working towards a reconciliation) and would’ve contributed his angelic voice to many of the excellent songs Brian has written since that time.

It’s shocking that Carl has been gone over 23 years now. The Beach Boys camp is definitely NOT a better place without him.

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#beach boys warts and all #beach boys reality #beach boys tell it like it was

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rq-s · 4 years

Text

Title: Falling Down

Pairing: Xu Minghao / NB!Reader

Genre: Light Angst & Platonic OR Romantic

Word Count: 2.9k+

Warnings: None. However, I do interpret the timeline and meaning of his lyrics loosely. I can’t and don’t claim that it’s the “correct” way to do so; he wrote it to be ambiguous for a wide audience to enjoy. Please watch the Falling Down Making Film for clarity.

Credits: ENG Translation of Falling Down

Summary: You and Minghao have been consistent penpals since 2004, sharing each other’s cultures, languages, passions, and lives as you both grew up. 2014 came around and letter from him only came in 4 times, and only 1 in 2015. The last this you ever heard from him read he was a bird in a cage.

Notes: Italic = letter ... = omitted letter content

My Masterlist

Spring 2004

“How about this one, honey?” Mom handed me a postcard from a spot on the rack that I couldn’t reach. The large font caught my attention and told me it was a landscape picture of the closest national park. Though nothing in the picture was recognizable, it reminded me of camping, which made me smile despite having never been before.

“Sure.” Was all I said, and I followed her as she pushed our full shopping cart to the register and began chatting with the cashier.

Like usual, I quickly put the postcard on the conveyor belt along with the groceries. As soon as it was empty, I went to the bagging station and put the scanned and bagged items back into the cart. Making sure to the boxes and cartons together neatly like Tetris, careful not to squish the bread.

“What a diligent little kid you have!” The cashier spoke, her voice worn with age, but with a sense of joy that reminded me of a stereotypical grandmother.

“She always says I do it wrong.” Mom joked, smirking at me. She never did let go of my “If you want it done right, do it yourself.” attitude I had even as a kid.

Mom finished paying, and we went put into the chilly morning air of the parking lot that was made even colder by the shadow of the supermarket. I once again moved the bags from the cart to the trunk and brought the cart to the nearest drop off spot while Mom started the car.

The ride home was mostly silent, save for the sound of the road beneath the wheels and the hum of the heater.

“Thanks for letting me do the penpal thing, Mom.”

“You’re welcome, but remember the deal; you get more chores to do. You’re 7 years old now, you can handle doing the dishes by yourself, right?” The tone of her voice was completely serious, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’ve been helping with the dishes for years, and I’ve learned from the best. I’ve got this!”

When we got home, I scoured the bags for that postcard, and luckily it was only bent on one corner. I wrote down bit of info about that park - whatever Google told me, and set it aside. I grabbed the template application from my school binder and filled in the blanks.

Hello! My name is _____________, I’m __ years old, and I am from ________! I am learning Mandarin, but I’m still a beginner. I hope to learn more about your culture and language as we exchange letters!

For now, I will tell you a bit about myself. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Along with this letter is a postcard and other information about where I am from!

I hope to hear from you soon!

Signed,

_____________

It was a pretty basic template that we had to copy from, and in retrospect, it was cringy as all heck, but it had to be formatted juuust right and follow the guidelines exactly, or the penpal program admin’s wouldn’t accept it.

From what I was told, someone from China who’d also applied and been approved would be paired with me, based on age and interests. Only this first letter was prewritten. Once we were paired up, the letters themselves and the mailing of them was up to me and my family.

I was lucky I got a match at all, most of the kids in my class didn’t. I learned pretty quickly why: I was the only one who put “dancing” as an interest.

Summer 2007

...

This was a frog I found at the lake! Mom got mad that I touched it, and when it jumped out of my hands and back into the water, it got mud all over us!!

Later we had a barbecue and some other campers came buy, but their kids were teenagers and didn’t wanna play with me, so here is a picture of me pouting in the tent instead of having fun.

...

This is the last one, when we finally got home from the long car ride. we all were sunburned really bad, but it looks like you can see freckles on my face because of it!

Whenever either of us would go on trips, even just to the water park or to a festival, we’d take Polaroid pictures to send. Most the earlier pictures Minghao sent were of him at tournaments, then they turned into selfies from after dance practice. It wasn’t until they were in their teens that he began to take more artsy pictures, with the occasional selfie thrown in. He’d always put at least one polaroid in each envelope, and photography quickly became one of the many things he excelled at.

Winter 2010

…

And I still can’t believe you were on TV!! Twice!!! All these letters… I can use them as blackmail someday when you’re a superstar! Muahah!!

I’m not nearly as good as you still, but Miss Lilly says my footwork has gotten a lot better! I wish you could teach me, but words don’t have the same effect as seeing it. I doubt I’d get it even if you tried to explain… and don’t even think about trying to teach me any martial arts, my brain will melt!!

…

My letters were always a bit longer than Minghao’s, and were full of run on sentences and unorganized thoughts. He was always clear and concise, yet sensitive. He always gave strong and encouraging advice on my Mandarin, but my English tips barely seemed to help him. I always cared more about getting to know him and telling my own stories than about practicing. Though, I don’t know what stories I had worth telling as a 13 year old. We contrasted each other a lot, and Mom said it made us a better fit for each other.

It wasn’t a weekly thing, but we always wrote when we could and has a steady back and forth. Sometimes the envelopes were thick, with many pages, postcards, candies, cool leaves or rocks we’d found, songs we had been listening too; things we cared about and wanted to share. But sometimes they were thin, barely a page long, with hastily written characters and a sincere apology. Both made me smile the same just the same – both showed how much he cared.

Spring 2012

Perhaps it was because we were the same age, and despite not meeting, had spent so much time together. He somehow always understood me, and never made jokes when I was opening up about the less fun sides of life. He went at his own pace, and it took quite some time, but he eventually felt comfortable doing the same.

…

I’ve worked so hard for this, I know I’m capable, but I’m genuinely terrified. But I’m excited, too. I feel so overwhelmed and I don’t feel like I can tell anyone, they’ll worry, or they’ll tell me I shouldn’t do it.

I want to try. I want to be on that stage and in that tournament and I want to come out having earned something.

…

Fall 2012

Congratulations!! Now I can brag that I know THE Xu Minghao who won 8th at a WORLD DANCE COMPETITION!!!! I knew you’d do great. Yeah, you were nervous, but your hard work showed through!

As soon as I read the news online, I was so happy. Eight is a good number, right? I think It suits you. Even when you're laying down, you have infinite potential! That’s you, Xu Minghao, Number 8, my best friend.

Come to think of it, it's been about 8 years since we met, hasn’t it? it must be some sort of prophecy!!! Haha I’m kidding, but seriously… That’s more than half our lives. We’ve spent knowing each other half of the time we’ve even been on this Earth!

I’m really glad I know you, Minghao. I’d be lonely without your letters, I think. I hope I make your days brighter, like you make mine. I hope we never forget about each other.

It was rare for me to get so sentimental, but he needed someone to be his fan, and I wanted to be the best fan of Xu Minghao I could be. Not to say I was the first, like I would joke about doing, but because he deserves it. I knew it from the way he talked about training, that he’d make himself a star someday, no matter what.

Because of this, though, it was this letter and onward that we stopped doing the copies and corrections. I noticed myself missing his teasing marks on my papers, or the cheeky smiley faces he’d draw when I did well. We stopped sending trinkets and polaroids too, so each envelope felt a lot emptier.

Spring 2013

I’m really going to Korea now… The flight is in a few days, I’ll send you another letter from the new address as soon as I get there, so please wait for it!

…

I had bad dreams back then, about how things would be different, slower and distant. His letters were a significant part of my life, and I was afraid to lose that. Yet I was surprised he was even allowed to keep sending me letters. Retrospectively thinking though, it wasn’t like he wasn’t allowed to write to his family.

Was I like family to him back then?

Winter 2013

I’m sorry for not writing you back sooner. The company has been really busy with Seventeen TV starting. I’ve been practicing a lot, I barely have time to eat or sleep, let alone sit down and write. There’s barely anyone around who knows Mandarin, and I’m still just learning how to make sentences in Korean, and they call me Myungho… Those who I can talk to are all boys, but they’re my friends, and possible group members, so I shouldn’t mind.

I miss your handwriting. Sometimes I reread our old letters, and notice that we’ve changed so much. But I keep every memory, did you know that?

I always feel better quickly. When I think about being on a stage, having fans singing with us and cheering for me… It makes me so happy that I cry, sometimes. But then I can’t help but think, “Will it ever be me? Or will I just dream of being there, and someone else will get the chance?”

That’s usually when I find one of your letters. The one you sent on my birthday a couple months ago, that you sprayed with that citrus scent? It’s my favorite, I relax so much when I read it. It reminds me of home, somehow.

I’ll try to write more often, I’m sure you’ve been patiently waiting. Let’s exchange pictures again, it’s been a while, right? I just really miss you.

Was he like family to me? No… I think, back then at least, it was something special for me.

Summer 2014

Hey! I haven't heard from you since April! I miss you a lot, but I know you must be really busy. I’ve been trying to watch the previous Seventeen TV episodes when I can, the other boys seem funny and nice. I hope they all take care of you, like you say Junhui has been.

I’m always wishing you sweet dreams, I worry about how you’ve been. I wish I’d have asked for your phone number or email or something before, but now that you’re so busy and under a big company… I just hope these letters and postcards reach you well.

…

Fall 2014

…

Also, they’ve been saying I’ll qualify to be on SeventeenTV soon. The others are hoping it’s a sign that we’ll get to debut soon. You’ll watch it, right?

Things are looking bright for me and my brothers here, but I can’t help but feel full of dread. I can’t pinpoint why. Junhui said it might be stage fright, but I don’t feel afraid.

I know they all support me, and I support them, but I feel like I might disappear, and not even you would remember me. I know its not true but it’s what I’m feeling.

…

Winter 2014

I SAW YOU!! I watched it as soon as it released, I didn’t understand what most of them were saying without English subtitles, but I could understand you, and I saw you! I’m so proud of you Minghao, you’re an official member of Seventeen!! You’ve been working so hard, I’m sure you’re exhausted. Please try and take time to rest and heal before debut, all of you need it!

…

Spring 2015

May 26th 2015. That is the day I debut. I know we haven't talked much, but I hope you’ll be there in spirit. Thinking about you cheering for me makes it easier to handle. I’ll fight for you, for me, for them, and for us. I’ll try, even though things feel like they’re ending.

I’m going to be busier than before. I’m not sure about the contract, but I’ll try to still get letters out. For now, have this. Thank you for everything.

A layer of grey I can't escape Walls built of fear are colored all over with red Who will listen to the sound from the bottom of my heart at the end of the world(/day) There's no one by my side Flee Flee

The world is collapsing, shattering, breaking I can't find love at all So why why why (Where will I ) fall, where Hidden by the dark clouds, helpless and pitiful Can't feel myself, light is lost Before the end of the world(/day), (I'm) yelling, sounds of pain But there's no one by my side Flee Flee

The world is collapsing, shattering, breaking After I disappear completely, (you) won't realize I once existed Why why why (Where will I ) fall, where Falling endlessly, falling in silence What did I ever do wrong

Missing someone you’ve never met is an entirely separate kind of heartbreak. I began to doubt every single thought and feeling I had, every single word I wrote, everything began to bleed between imagination, ideal, and reality.

The Minghao I watched on the screen wasn’t the Minghao I knew, and I started to wonder if I ever truly knew him in the first place. I felt like a fool, and even then, I continued to be foolish. I wanted to believe I knew what he meant; that I understood him, but as the years went on, I got more and more lost.

They won awards, they went on variety shows, they released albums, they went on tours. They traveled, they worked, and they grew. I needed to believe I knew him, but Minghao and The8 are not the same. And as I grew to love The8, Minghao began to fade into the back of my mind. When I watched him try to express himself beyond his stage persona, each time I saw flashes of a beautiful bird locked in a rusted cage.

I always kept the letters.

They’re my private collection of memories between he and I. They were the only way I knew it was real. I could run my fingers over his handwriting, feel how he sometimes pressed too hard and left marks in the paper. I could see how the paper and ink warped when he accidentally got tears on it. I could look at his pictures from his childhood and know what he was thinking as he took it.

I knew him.

Summer 2020

Hey, Minghao. It’s me, do you still remember my handwriting? Maybe it’s changed... No, I know it has, because I’ve changed as a person. It feels strange, I know what you’ve been up to, but you might’ve even forgotten my name. But I feel in my heart that you havn’t. Maybe thats wishful thinking.

Anyway, I’m so proud of you Minghao. You’re a superstar, just like you dream of being back when you first started dancing. You’ve become part of a family, and have so many fans cheering for you every single day. Congratulations!!

…

5 years. Does the smell of citrus still remind you of home? Of me? Maybe it just reminds you of the hard times you had back then. But I guess you’ve been reminiscing about that a lot lately?

I watched the video as soon as it came out, and I was shaking as soon as I heard your voice. That song isn’t a special piece of yourself that you shared with me anymore, but it’s part of your story for the whole world to see, and you told it so well.

...

I miss you.

It was finally time.

It was a fairly thick envelope, inside were many postcards of where I’ve been, quickly written notes as I reacted to songs and memorable moments, and full-length letters that never got sent.

It was so surreal to sit in front on him at this panel. He looks just like he did as a kid, but more refined, stronger inside and out. His aura intimidated me like I was seeing a skyscraper touch the clouds for the first time, and yet he maintained eye contact with me like I was a dandelion about to be blown away with the breeze.

“It’s me, Minghao.” The words barely drifted from my mouth, but they struck him like lightning as realization stealing his breath away. For a moment I saw his eyes twinkle, and the corners of this lips twitch.

A member of staff took the envelop away from him; he barely was able to read the label.

My time would be up soon.

His fingers intertwined with mine and he opens my photobook to his page with his free hand, looking down for only a moment to sign it.

The next Carat was nudging my shoulder already.

“Not yet.” I whispered both to them and to him with a squeeze of his hand. He did the same, like a beat of the heart, and then released. I watched his chest rise and fall with a deep breath as he gave the next fan the same focus and care he gave me.

I forced a smile on my face as I scooted over.

Did he truly realize it was me? Why could I feel his heart beating faster from the tips of his fingers? Did he want to contact me all this time, or had he chosen to stop and was scared to tell me? Did he miss me too?

My smile was only fake for a moment, though.

I was meeting his second family for the first time, after all, I needed to make a good impression. After years of keeping up with the group, it should have been easier to feel comfortable, and to be happy like the others.

Yet my hands continued to shake, their faces blurred and the sounds around me went quiet. My senses went in and out of focus like waves reaching and leaving the shore.

The warmth and the texture of his hand stained mine, and as i stared down at it after going back to my seat in the crowd, it felt alien. His hands are same hands that have been writing my name on every envelope for so many years...

I felt like I was falling.

#the8 #xu minghao #minghao #the8 x reader #xu minghao x reader #minghao x reader #seventeen #svt #svt the8 #seventeen the8 #minghao fluff #minghao angst #seventeen x reader #svt x reader

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gstqaobc · 5 years

Text

HRH PRINCE HARRY SENTEBALE SPEECH IN FULL

Prince Harry delivered a brutally honest speech about his decision to quit the royal family at a London charity dinner overnight.

Here it is in full:

“Good evening, and thank you for being here for Sentebale, a charity me and Prince Seeiso created back in 2006 to honour my mother’s legacy in supporting those affected by HIV and AIDS.

“Before I begin, I must say that I can only imagine what you may have heard or perhaps read over the last few weeks …

“So, I want you to hear the truth from me, as much as I can share — not as a Prince, or a Duke, but as Harry, the same person that many of you have watched grow up over the last 35 years — but with a clearer perspective.

“The UK is my home and a place that I love. That will never change.

“I have grown up feeling support from so many of you, and I watched as you welcomed Meghan with open arms as you saw me find the love and happiness that I had hoped for all my life. Finally, the second son of Diana got hitched, hurray!

“I also know you’ve come to know me well enough over all these years to trust that the woman I chose as my wife upholds the same values as I do. And she does, and she’s the same woman I fell in love with.

“We both do everything we can to fly the flag and carry out our roles for this country with pride. Once Meghan and I were married, we were excited, we were hopeful, and we were here to serve.

“For those reasons, it brings me great sadness that it has come to this.

“The decision that I have made for my wife and I to step back, is not one I made lightly. It was so many months of talks after so many years of challenges. And I know I haven’t always gotten it right, but as far as this goes, there really was no other option.

“What I want to make clear is we’re not walking away, and we certainly aren’t walking away from you. Our hope was to continue serving the Queen, the commonwealth, and my military associations, but without public funding. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible.

“I’ve accepted this, knowing that it doesn’t change who I am or how committed I am. But I hope that helps you understand what it had to come to, that I would step my family back from all I have ever known, to take a step forward into what I hope can be a more peaceful life.

“I was born into this life, and it is a great honour to serve my country and the Queen.

“When I lost my mum 23 years ago, you took me under your wing. You’ve looked out for me for so long, but the media is a powerful force, and my hope is one day our collective support for each other can be more powerful because this is so much bigger than just us.

“It has been our privilege to serve you, and we will continue to lead a life of service.

“It has also been a privilege to meet so many of you, and to feel your excitement for our son “Archie, who saw snow for the first time the other day and thought it was bloody brilliant!

“I will always have the utmost respect for my grandmother, my commander in chief, and I am incredibly grateful to her and the rest of my family, for the support they have shown Meghan and I over the last few months.

“I will continue to be the same man who holds his country dear and dedicates his life to supporting the causes, charities and military communities that are so important to me.

“Together, you have given me an education about living. And this role has taught me more about what is right and just than I could have ever imagined. We are taking a leap of faith – thank you for giving me the courage to take this next step.

“So … welcome to Richard’s garden – minus the fountain!

“First, may I echo Johnny’s words earlier and thank in particular Patricia and Richard, and all the teams involved in making tonight so very special and such a success … at least so far …

“Thank you also for turning up!

“I’m sure Lewis was the draw factor, but I know you will all be leaving tonight with a better understanding about what we’re trying to achieve at Sentebale, and that’s what really matters to us.

“I first visited Lesotho many years ago, back in 2004, and was shown around by my dear friend Prince Seeiso — who sadly isn’t able to join us this evening.

“Struck by the hardship and challenges so many children faced, and with the support of local partners, we set up Sentebale two years later. The word Sentebale means “forget me not” in Sesotho and also serves asa memory of both Prince Seeiso’s mother as well as my own.

“Since the beginning, we’ve developed a series of programs and created the purpose built Mamahato centre to help a generation of children break through the stigma that is allowing the HIV epidemic to thrive. Half of those children had lost either one or both of their parents to the virus.

“But today through our networks of clubs, camps and programs across both Lesotho and Botswana, we help children and young adults to learn that they can go on to live happy and productive lives, despite being HIV positive.

“We teach them that this human immunodeficiency virus doesn’t have to be a death sentence for anyone anymore, that the real enemy we are fighting is stigma, and the antiquated attitudes that work against young people coming forward when wanting to take an HIV test.

“This is relevant in every part of the world today, including here in the UK, where there are an estimated 110,000 people living with HIV.

“Here, I can’t not mention my dear friend Gareth Thomas, who in my mind has quite literally changed the way people think about HIV — so thank you bud.

“By being here tonight, every one of you are helping to fight that stigma and helping a generation of children and young adults to becoming the generation that ends it.

“My work and commitment for this charity, that I founded 14 years ago now, will never falter.

“I and all those at Sentebale, be it here in London, Lesotho or Botswana — will continue the work to make real long-lasting impact for all those that have been left vulnerable.

“There’s a lot to do, but it’s only possible by working together and receiving support from people like yourselves … and like Lewis Capaldi … who has so generously flown here directly from Malaysia, via Dubai — taking tonight out as a detour on his way to the Grammys in Los Angeles — where he is nominated for best song.

“Lewis, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us this evening. We are all incredibly grateful.

“Ladies and gentlemen … I give you Lewis Capaldi …”

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

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twen-nee7 · 4 years

Text

How Trump Changed My Dad

tw: racism & all the prejudices

Last weekend, I saw my father, and, for the first time in my life, I heard him say racist things about Chinese people. In fact, this was the first time I heard him say anything this openly racist at all, except against “reptilians who call themselves Jewish.”

This isn’t some story about us uniting after a long period of time and him being a racist. My dad has always been in my life, and I love him very much. This is a story about how he has changed since Trump became president.

This is pretty long, so get the rest under the cut!

TL;DR: My dad has had his worldview skewed so radically due to conspiracy theories that he thinks that everything Trump says is true, and that has become a seed for racist remarks and ideas that are in direct opposition to viewpoints he had even last year.

It is interesting, and tragic, to reflect upon what Trump’s presidency has done to my family-- or, well, I suppose, my father. Before I really begin to get into this story, I am in no way condoning is point of view in any sort of way or trying to make excuses for him, because he is a grown adult who can make his own decisions. That said, he is also incredibly gullible under the correct circumstances. Unfortunately, Trump has kind of become those “correct circumstances.”

Before I get completely into this, I’d like to give some backstory on who my father is, because I think that’s important to realizing how absolutely floored my sister and I were to hear him say racist shit about Chinese people.

My dad grew up in a Jehovah's Witness family. If you’re unfamiliar with that sect of Christianity, they are a cult. My grandfather was excommunicated from the church when my father was young, and my dad (and all his siblings and my grandmother and my grandfather’s parents and brothers-- you get it: the whole family) was forbidden with interacting with him. To interact with my grandfather-- my dad’s dad --was to meet the same fate. No Jehovah's Witness is allowed to talk to someone who was excommunicated.

Despite this absolutely bizarre-ass rule, children are allowed to communicate with these people, so long as they’re not a full part of the church. My dad and his siblings were just not able to speak with my grandfather because my grandmother (and the rest of the family) were not allowed to interact, not because they were fully a part of the church. Thankfully, my father avoided the ceremony that would make him a true Jehovah's Witness throughout his life, so I have been able to correspond with my family who are still a part of the cult due to this loophole.

This loophole also made it possible for him to escape from an abusive situation with his step-father, and he moved in with my grandfather when he was thirteen.

I know this is exposition-heavy, but bear with me here. I want you guys to see the person I grew up with, not the guy that he is now, so you can understand why I am so confused and upset.

My dad is a fucking fantastic musician. He has so many good stories, but here are some highlights from his life:

* A close family friend who is a Native American taught him a lot about his culture. My dad likes to talk about how sacred nature is, and he also loves to talk about the very odd experience he had following the man’s meditation instructions. According to my father, he was teleported (in his mind) to a library where every book is the book of someone’s life. When the Librarian asked him if he wanted to read his book, he said no. This experience rattled him.

* He moved to the South Side of Chicago in the early 90s to chase his dream of music. He worked in a diner that was at an intersection where gang violence was common, and he lived even deeper south in the city than the diner. He recalls with horror what he saw, but he is quick to explain that there is a duality to people: people in gangs, he always likes to say, are just as human as the rest of us, and he always tells us he met “a kindness I never saw in anyone else,” in the people who came into his diner (especially the gang members).

* He also lived in Austin, Texas in the 90s, and played music with a band with an incredibly diverse background. He was on TV a few times (I imagine it was local, lol), and he loves to tell the story about the time that he ended up playing guitar at a Latinx club because he did a good job putting electricity into some guy’s house. He uses his story there to explain how to be humble-- he always tells us that everyone in the club was dancing to the salsa tune, then his dumbass had a guitar solo and he played the blues, which killed the vibe. “Always take in your surroundings.”

* When getting a tattoo, the tattoo artist mentioned in passing that a biker had paid her with his soul for a tattoo. My dad and his friend were drunk, and they bough the guy’s soul for $20 and planned to use it “to get big.” The next day, they were sitting at the table with this guy’s soul contract, and my dad said that something came over him-- “I knew that if I did what I wanted to do, I would get famous, but I also knew it wasn’t worth it.” He burned the contract. The karmatic repercussions of using some poor guy’s soul to become famous just isn’t worth it.

My father also taught me how to respect life. I lack empathy. I feel like I would have a much harder time with my life without my father’s patience in my earlier years. He taught me how to be socially appropriate in a way that wasn’t demeaning, unlike the rest of my family who berated me (and continue to do so) when I did something they viewed as wrong. One particular story sticks out:

When I was about nine or ten, we were camping with his side of the family. I caught a crawdad (crayfish for you non-Appalachian folk) out of the creek, and I was very curious what color it would turn if I boiled it. So, I did just that.

I’m definitely not proud of that.

My dad had always tried to explain to me the sanctity of life and how we shouldn’t just kill things prior to this, but that time he really seemed upset. He told me how disrespectful it was to the animal, and then told me to think about what it would be like to be boiled alive. He then told me I should at the very least eat the thing, which... I told my cousin to do because I am a picky eater.

That lesson definitely stuck with me more than, “Don’t kill spiders.” or, “Hunting for sport is wrong.”

Throughout my life, my father has been the level-headed one. He has been the one with useful life advice who actually knows how to have friends and talk to people. He has been the man I looked to to be socially appropriate and a “good person” because my mother has been chronically unable to keep any sort of friendly relationship for anyone longer than a year or two. She isn’t a very good social role model.

So, imagine my surprise last weekend hearing my dad talk about how much he hates the Chinese.

His basis? The time we went to California, and “they were way worse than the other drivers.”

I looked him dead in the eye and said, “Dad, everyone sucks at driving in California. It isn’t just Chinese people. White people can’t drive either.”

Now, I know he doesn’t hate Chinese people because of their driving. We went to California in 2004. He has never once mentioned a goddamn thing about Chinese people not being able to drive (or Chinese people in general regarding that trip), so it’s pretty fishy he would suddenly bring it up sixteen years later.

This is especially odd since I’ve only ever heard him sing words of praise for Chinese immigrants, or, honestly, immigrants in general-- up until about a year ago, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

When my parents split-- and I know this may seem like another unnecessary deviation, but hold with me here --my dad’s obsession began. He moved in with his father, my grandfather, the man who hadn’t seen any of his family aside from my father and me for thirty years. My grandfather was a doomsday prepper. He owned something like 300 acres of land in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains down in what is known as a “Holler” here-- a small community of people who are very close to each other, live on the same road and are usually pretty friendly toward each other.

My grandfather also deeply believed in the corruption of the government, and how that would inevitably be the downfall of everything. While he wasn’t spouting anything about Hollow Earth or the sky actually being a projection, the man was distrustful of all things establishment. This kind of thought process definitely didn’t help my dad when he was going through a divorce, and I remember he really got into learning more about the 2012 Doomsday at the time.

To back up a bit, my parents have always been conspiracy theorists. My mom claims to have prophetic visions and that she is in contact with a Gray alien, which, yes, is probably just the schizophrenia, but my dad never questioned her and honestly, believed her. He was all about aliens and Area 51 and “Bush did 9/11″ when my parents were still together. He only got worse when he moved away, taking up the Doomsday stuff and digging deeper into 9/11, and then kept falling down this fucking abyss of a rabbit hole when he moved from my grandfather’s place into an apartment in the suburbs.

There, he didn’t have things to do after work. He didn’t need to attend to the horses. He didn’t have the hills to walk through. He had himself and oh dear god, man

The release of the first Assassin’s Creed was where the decline became noticeable. We bought the game, and the next time I saw him, he was telling me about the Knight’s Templar. As the years wore on, he only got worse.

If you guys have seen the “Q Map,” that shit is all shit I can explain to you. Yes, I can tell you about the Draco-Reptilian Nazi Fleet, the Space War, and how Draco-Reptilian Nazis live in Hollow Earth. I can tell you how the Vatican relates back to the Knight’s Templar back to Moloch back to Egyptian Pharaohs back to Ishtar up to modern-day banks.

Look, I myself am gullible. I have the same kind of trait that makes me very paranoid and distrustful of people, especially authority.

My dad was spouting shit about “Kh****ian Jews” and how they were actually reptilian people (not real Jews!) who owned all the world’s banks and were trying to manipulate the populous into a One World Government, and, I’m sad to say, I believed it. Then, thank god I met my partner who shut down my bullshit really fast and has been a wonderful person to ground myself with.

(For those curious, my dad has asked for my partner’s bloodtype because they’re Jewish, and was visibly relieved when I told him it was B- instead of “an RH bloodtype” because that means that my partner is human... yeah.)

All that to say that I have an open mind. I’m willing to at least humor the idea of Nazis in Antarctica based on Admiral Byrd’s papers. Hell, I even humored my dad’s Flat Earth bullshit for a little bit, until I watched that Netflix documentary of Flat Earthers trying to prove the planet is flat, but only further proving it is round. I’m totally willing to listen to alternate ideas, and I definitely find a lot of merit in many conspiracies.

This isn’t about aliens visiting Egypt or civilizations predating Sumeria, though, this is about my dad tripping on conservative conspiracy theorists and falling into a tailspin down the wrong fork in the trail.

This started with him listening to what he describes as “an underground conservative news channel.” He originally began being wary of the Democrats because he believed Hillary Clinton was a reptilian, but he originally was like, “Yeah, all politicians are these reptilians.” I honestly have no idea when that changed. The man didn’t even care all that much about politics until around the time of the 2016 election.

I’m assuming this is because Clinton was running, and he felt invested in not letting a reptilian become president? I swear, this man has a whole section of his brain dedicated to “Why The Cintons Are Bad,” and that only got worse as the 2016 stuff ramped up.

He started watching Alex Jones. I lived with him during this time, but I was going to college so I wasn’t home with him very often. I’d come home to the TV on Alex Jones practically foaming at the mouth every night and my dad asleep on the couch. Around this time, he started talking down to Democrats, which, hey, that’s fine, both parties in this country suck, and he honestly was interested in Bernie as a candidate.

He does still like Bernie, for the record. He even said this year that he wouldn’t mind Bernie as president.

The election rolled around; Trump got elected. Then, a lot of stuff happened.

* My dad was working for my uncle (his brother-in-law) and also renting from him. My uncle was barely paying him enough to live, so he decided to take his old job back.

* Shortly thereafter, my uncle sold the house my dad was living in. He didn’t even offer it to my dad. He fucking sold it under his nose. Not to mention, my dad was the one who put in all the flooring, bathrooms, wallpaper, etc into the house.

* My dad moved into a small farmhouse in the middle of a corn field. His old house was in a town, so he at least had interaction with other humans outside work. There are so few houses on the road he lives on that it doesn’t even have the ability to buy internet if he wanted to.

Living very much alone in the middle of a goddamn field has really impacted him.

My dad surrounds himself with what he believes to be unbiased news, but outright says are “underground conservative news outlets.” I mean, the majority of his time is spent listening to this fucking bullshit, playing old video games and jamming on the guitar.

Since the election, my dad has come to view Trump as an absolute force of good. He does admit that he does not like Trump as a person, and that he thinks that he’s honestly pretty gross, but he has been more-or-less brainwashed to believe that Trump is going to “save this country.”

Why?

* Trump is weeding out “the people the Clintons put in.”

* Trump is “going to make sure people who committed treason get what they deserve.” He points to John McCain and how Trump evidently tweeted something nine months before McCain died that eluded to the date?

* Those people who are committing treason are also part of a child trafficking ring and drink the blood of terrified children. I mean... maybe minus the blood drinking, but at least this one makes some sense, I guess.

* Trump is disbanding the Federal Reserve, which means that he is “taking the reptilians out of this country!” as well as putting the US dollar back onto the gold standard-- as if we have that much gold.

These were the original reasons why he liked Trump. He really thought, and continues to think, that the fucking orange in office has the best interest of America at heart just because he isn’t a politician. Anybody who ran for office who wasn’t a politician and got elected would have my dad’s praise, but it just happened to be Trump.

And what does that mean? It means my dad began by not agreeing with all Trump’s policies. It means my dad had a fucking brain, that he drew those conclusions himself with some aid of “”news”” (conspiracy) outlets.

But, because of the trust that he has put into this man, and the trust he has put into his “underground conservative news,” my father has allowed his perception of reality to become so incredibly skewed. For example:

* “Trump’s tweets are encoded by a quantum supercomputer to give news to the masses! Every misspelled word, random number and incorrectly capitalized letter means something, and it changes every time!”

* Dad says he doesn’t mind immigrants, but he constantly talks about how the people who want to get into America “aren’t actually struggling.” He pointed to something that happened in Mexico a little while ago and said that the people trying to get in weren’t starving, and he said that was all because they were a distraction hired by the Democrats to pull news from the trafficking of children over the border to contribute to the “adrenochrome market.” This is where some of his racist shit started.

* He believes all earthquakes in America in the last four years have been due to the Democrats “blowing up underground bunkers” to hide the fact that they are “conducing illegal human research.” He believes there is a whole world underground full of clones, and claims that ships docked on the West Coast exist there to help people that they take out of these underground cities. He also, of course, believes Trumpy-poo is the whole reason why “those poor people” are being liberated.

* According to him, there are Chinese tanks in the Amazon, and China is mounting an invasion on America. Believe it or not, this isn’t where he started talking shit about Chinese people.

* Trans* people do not exist. He also has become worryingly fixated on who he thinks is trans*? Literally any concert he sees on TV with a female lead singer becomes him pointing out “why that is actually a dude.” He’s also very fixated on “Michelle Obama is actually a man.” When we ask him why the hell that matters, he says it’s dishonest because “no man wants to be a woman.” Christ.

* On that note, he told me point-blank that women have more rights than men. I am AFAB. I fucking bluescreened.

* The BLM movement is just a way to deter from the election. The Democrats are busing in people to start riots and make cities shut down. “It isn’t a natural escalation of things to destroy your own neighborhood.” He also thinks the whole movement is shit beyond that because, “Everyone gets treated like shit by the police. I’ve been held down and beaten by a cop-- it’s just part of living in a city.” I... moving on

* “COVID-19 was created by the Chinese for the Democrats to skew the election.” He then points out all the sicknesses that broke out around other elections, like SARS and H1N1. This is where the sudden hatred of China comes from.

There is also just... so much more, but it is so incredibly tiring to try to think of all the things he tells me. Every time I look away to edit this anecdote, I remember more bullshit, so this is going to be the finalized list.

So, all-in-all, my dad went from being a very empathetic, compassionate man to having those traits used against him to believe that being racist is okay. My dad got sucked into politics because he was worried about the country being ran by reptilians, and now he believes that wearing a mask during a global pandemic is “unpatriotic” despite spending the majority of his life complaining about patriotism.

My sister and I try to set our dad straight. Any time he says something racist, we counter it the best we can, and it usually comes down to, “I’m not talking about all of them. I’m talking about the ones the Democrats paid off to do this stuff.” Unfortunately, there is no convincing him otherwise on that part, because if we try to show him anything regarding it, he deflects by saying that we got it from “a mainstream news source.”

I feel powerless as all hell because my dad has become something very distressing, and Trump / conspiracies are all he ever talks about. I can only hope that his absolute bullshit “underground conservative news outlets” either get shut down so he has to look elsewhere or that he somehow finds some news source that he trusts that isn’t sucking Trump’s dick. I don’t know.

#anecdote #personal #trump #xenophobia #racism #homophobia #prejudice #conspiracy #conspiracy theory #please keep an eye on your local conspiracy theorist lest they become like this #writing #article

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master-john-uk · 5 years

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19th January 2020.

Prince Harry looked a little emotional as he delivered a speech at an event for his charity Sentebale which supports young people living with HIV in Africa, hosted by The Caring Foundation in London.

It is obvious that the decision to step back from Royal duties was not taken lightly. I have spoken with Harry on several occasions. While he has a positive outlook, I am sure he is feeling a little apprehensive about how life or him and his family will develop over the coming months and years.

The decision has been made... and, it is extremely unlikely it will be reversed. Can we now put a stop to all the “Sussex bashing” on social media, please? Let us all give Harry, Meghan and Archie a chance to forge their new life in peace,

Read Prince Harry’s speech in full below.

Good evening, and thank you for being here for Sentebale, a charity me and Prince Seeiso created back in 2006 to honor my mother’s legacy in supporting those affected by HIV and AIDS.

Before I begin, I must say that I can only imagine what you may have heard or perhaps read over the last few weeks.... So, I want you to hear the truth from me, as much as I can share–not as a prince, or a duke, but as Harry, the same person that many of you have watched grow up over the last 35 years–but with a clearer perspective.

The UK is my home and a place that I love. That will never change.

I have grown up feeling support from so many of you, and I watched as you welcomed Meghan with open arms as you saw me find the love and happiness that I had hoped for all my life. Finally, the second son of Diana got hitched, hurray!

I also know you’ve come to know me well enough over all these years to trust that the woman I chose as my wife upholds the same values as I do. And she does, and she’s the same woman I fell in love with. We both do everything we can to fly the flag and carry out our roles for this country with pride. Once Meghan and I were married, we were excited, we were hopeful, and we were here to serve.

For those reasons, it brings me great sadness that it has come to this. The decision that I have made for my wife and I to step back, is not one I made lightly. It was so many months of talks after so many years of challenges. And I know I haven’t always gotten it right, but as far as this goes, there really was no other option.

What I want to make clear is we’re not walking away, and we certainly aren’t walking away from you. Our hope was to continue serving the Queen, the Commonwealth, and my military associations, but without public funding. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible.

I’ve accepted this, knowing that it doesn’t change who I am or how committed I am. But I hope that helps you understand what it had to come to, that I would step my family back from all I have ever known, to take a step forward into what I hope can be a more peaceful life.

I was born into this life, and it is a great honor to serve my country and the queen.

When I lost my mum 23 years ago, you took me under your wing.

You’ve looked out for me for so long, but the media is a powerful force, and my hope is one day our collective support for each other can be more powerful because this is so much bigger than just us.

It has been our privilege to serve you, and we will continue to lead a life of service.

It has also been a privilege to meet so many of you, and to feel your excitement for our son Archie, who saw snow for the first time the other day and thought it was bloody brilliant!

I will always have the utmost respect for my grandmother, my commander in chief, and I am incredibly grateful to her and the rest of my family, for the support they have shown Meghan and I over the last few months.

I will continue to be the same man who holds his country dear and dedicates his life to supporting the causes, charities and military communities that are so important to me.

Together, you have given me an education about living. And this role has taught me more about what is right and just than I could have ever imagined. We are taking a leap of faith - thank you for giving me the courage to take this next step.

So... welcome to Richard’s garden–minus the fountain!

First, may I echo Johnny’s words earlier and thank in particular Patricia and Richard, and all the teams involved in making tonight so very special and such a success... at least so far...

Thank you also for turning up!

I’m sure Lewis was the draw factor, but I know you will all be leaving tonight with a better understanding about what we’re trying to achieve at Sentebale, and that’s what really matters to us.

I first visited Lesotho many years ago, back in 2004, and was shown around by my dear friend Prince Seeiso–who sadly isn’t able to join us this evening.

Struck by the hardship and challenges so many children faced, and with the support of local partners, we set up Sentebale two years later. The word Sentebale means “forget me not” in Sesotho and also serves as a memory of both Prince Seeiso’s mother as well as my own.

Since the beginning, we’ve developed a series of programs and created the purpose built Mamahato center to help a generation of children break through the stigma that is allowing the HIV epidemic to thrive. Half of those children had lost either one or both of their parents to the virus.

But today through our networks of clubs, camps and programs across both Lesotho and Botswana, we help children and young adults to learn that they can go on to live happy and productive lives, despite being HIV positive.

We teach them that this human immunodeficiency virus doesn’t have to be a death sentence for anyone anymore, that the real enemy we are fighting is stigma, and the antiquated attitudes that work against young people coming forward when wanting to take an HIV test. This is relevant in every part of the world today, including here in the UK, where there are an estimated 110,000 people living with HIV.

Here, I can’t not mention my dear friend Gareth Thomas–who in my mind–has quite literally changed the way people think about HIV–so thank you bud.

By being here tonight, every one of you are helping to fight that stigma and helping a generation of children and young adults to becoming the generation that ends it.

My work and commitment for this charity, that I founded 14 years ago now, will never falter. I and all those at Sentebale, be it here in London, Lesotho or Botswana–will continue the work to make real long-lasting impact for all those that have been left vulnerable.

There’s a lot to do, but it’s only possible by working together and receiving support from people like yourselves... and like Lewis Capaldi... who has so generously flown here directly from Malaysia, via Dubai–taking tonight out as a detour on his way to the Grammys in Los Angeles – where he is nominated for Best Song. Lewis, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us this evening. We are all incredibly grateful.

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fionnlydarling · 6 years

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a letter from tommy

so i wrote a dunkirk one-shot! please give credit if you reblog and let me know what you think, if you’d like to read more, or if you would like to request your own imagines, drabbles, etc.

Pairing: TommyxReader

Word Count: 2004 words

Prequel to Tommy Gets Hurt & Tommy Healing

It's been weeks of nothing. Not one letter for ages. You’d been following the news, every morning rising with the sun and being one of the first to buy the day’s paper. Every day your eyes frantically scoured the registry of fallen soldiers, praying that you wouldn’t see his name written in the paper, his name amongst the hundreds listed. Tommy, your Tommy.

You’d heard about Dunkirk. Everyone in England and around the world had heard about Dunkirk. You’d listened to Churchill’s speech, read how civilians had come together to get their boys off the beach. A staggering 338,226 had been saved, lived to fight another day. You were glad for the lives saved. Really you were. But you’d done the math, worked out that there were at least 10,000 soldiers who hadn’t gotten off the beaches. Ten thousand soldiers who had died or been captured by the Germans. You know, you know the majority made it, but you still can’t stamp out that horrible voice deep inside your mind whispering what if? What if he’s one of those 10,000?

The paper didn’t have his name on it after all, thank God, so part of you can breathe now. You can now go spend the rest of the day focusing on your nursing training, pretending that you don’t know that there’s still at least a week’s worth of soldiers the papers haven’t received yet.

Your family and friends had been confused when you’d announced that you were moving to London to study nursing. It had never been your goal to be a nurse. You’d always wanted to be a teacher. But then the war happened and everything changed.

It was a difficult job. You were expected to be at the hospital little after dawn and you didn’t usually get back to the flat you share with two other nurses-in-training until well after the sun has set. The country needed all the trained and knowledgeable nurses and doctors they could spare, and that meant trying to cram what was typically a three year training program into just one year.

But it was rewarding, and you enjoy the sense of satisfaction you get from feeling like you’re doing your part to help with the war, this horrible war. It was difficult work and you felt like you hadn’t gotten any sleep in over six months, but that was alright. It helped distract you from the fear, all the wondering.

You finally get to the flat. Lily is already there and she’s holding up an envelope, her red lips painting a smirk, and you know. You don’t even think about where you drop your bags and snatch the envelope from Lily before going to lock yourself in the bathroom, for privacy and also because you’re not keen on sobbing in front of your flatmates.

It’s a miracle you don’t tear the letter as you rip open the envelope you’ve been waiting weeks for, finally in your hands and your eyes start to well with tears because a quick glance at the date written in the top-right hand corner tells you that Tommy made it out of Dunkirk and he’s alive. You wait until you’ve relaxed enough to stop shaking and you force yourself to take a breath as you see clearly the familiar scrawl of Tommy’s writing and read.

My darling,

I hope you can forgive me for the silence, I know it’s been weeks, but I’ve finally found a moment to sit and write. I’m currently at some camp I can’t be bothered to remember the name of. It’s all been a blur since Dunkirk. I’m sure the papers have given all the details and you’ve probably read Churchill’s speech. I don’t have much more to add other than how hard it is to connect Churchill’s words with what we went through. I wish this war would end.

We’re just waiting now. A few days rest before we get deployed again to God knows where. A bloke I met at the beaches, Alex, reckons we’ll have at least a week, but it’s difficult to say.

But I don’t want to talk about the war any more. How are you? I hope you’re not overworking yourself too much with the program. I’m happy to hear that you enjoy it at least. I knew you would pass the preliminary exams with top scores. You should give yourself a little more credit. Do you like your new flatmate? In the last letter I got from you, you’d said you and Lily were still looking for a third girl to help with the rent. If you go back home some weekend again, will you tell my parents you’ve heard from me?

Home. It’s strange to think of it now sometimes. There are days I think I can still see the meadows and taste the raspberries from my parents’ garden. But there are other days, the harder days, I can hardly remember the faces of our school mates, or the name of the reverend who’s been at our church since before I was born. I get scared sometimes that I’ll forget everything.

Everything feels like such a blur half the time, like none of my memories are even real. The only thing that makes any sense sometimes is you. You are always in my thoughts. I can still feel your hair running through the gaps between my fingers, your smile, the sound of your voice. Sometimes I swear I can almost hear you.

I wish I could write more, but the paper here is scarce and so is time. So, I’ll just end with the only thing that matters: I love you. I miss you so much I can feel it in my bones, an ache that just won’t go away, not until I see you again. All I want is to come back home, come back home to you. I haven’t forgotten our promise.

All my love,

Tommy

You close your eyes, your mind spinning with the words you have just read, words written by Tommy, safe and alive. All the anxiety you’ve been carrying for the past few weeks, trying not to worry that the worst had happened, just melts away.

A part of you wishes the letter had been longer, that you have hours worth of writing to help you get through the coming weeks that will surely be filled with more silence, but you’re grateful.

You try to imagine Tommy wherever he is now. You hope he doesn’t feel too alone, that this Alex bloke he mentioned is a good man and helps watch over him. But you try not to think too hard on it. You’ve learned from experience that thinking about Tommy in his soldier’s uniform for too long makes you start imagining other things: the whoosh of bullets flying past, the pained sounds of injured men, unseeing eyes, hazel eyes.

So you shake your head and instead think of other memories, memories that sometimes feel now like they’re from another lifetime.

You think of the first time you’d seen Tommy, how he was the most beautiful boy you had ever seen and how warm your cheeks had felt when he’d turned around and you’d quickly looked away, hoping he hadn’t caught you staring. You think of how his hand had brushed against yours sometimes those evenings he’d walked you home, and you’d spent all night wondering if it had been intentional. You remember the Williams wedding and how he’d blushed when he’d asked you for a dance.

You think of the first time he’d kissed you, your first kiss. How his fingers had grazed the skin of your cheek, how his lips had moved so seamlessly with yours. How closely he’d held your body against his, like he never wanted to let you go. You had been in that moment that you’d been waiting for after the countless glances exchanged, the shy and awkward but wonderful stolen moments, the accidental touches. Weeks of waiting and wondering if he felt the same or if you were just going mad.

He’d left before they could start a real life together, the life they had talked together about those evenings they’d stolen away together in the meadows near the cliffs. All their plans. The promises.

You think of the last promise you’d both made to each other, the day Tommy had left with all the other young men of their village.

He’d held your hands in his larger ones, forehead pressed against yours as you breathed together, hoping and wishing you could just stay in this moment forever, still together. They’d had to part eventually though. He’d started bringing up The Possibility, the one he’d vaguely brought up before you’d quickly shot it down, a possibility you refused to think about even now. You remember how tentatively he’d brought it up then.

“But...if I shouldn’t come back-”

“Tommy, stop. Don’t.”

“We have to talk about it-”

“No-”

“I don’t want you to be waiting forever if something happens to me-”

You’d put your hands over his and stood straighter, your entire body vibrating with conviction. “I won’t, because you’re coming back. You’re coming back to me Tommy. You do whatever you have to do to come back to me because I don’t intend on starting a life with anyone else but you, you hear me? So promise me,” your voice had cracked at this point, and you’d had to wrap your hands around his coat for a moment to gather yourself, “promise you’ll come back.”

Tommy’s lips had curved into a smile then, and he’d brushed the wetness from your cheek as he’d whispered, “I promise, I’ll come back to you and when I do, we’ll start our lives together.”

A part sob, part laugh had torn from your throat and Tommy had kissed your eyes and the tears off from your cheeks before crashing his lips to yours one last time. There was one last exchange of ‘I love you’s’ and then you were watching him walk away to war, a war neither one of you knew how long would last.

That felt like so long ago, but you can still remember the taste of him, the rough pad of his fingers and the smell of his cologne.

You bring the letter to your chest and in that movement accidentally drop the envelope it had come in. You kneel down to pick it up and that’s when you see there still something peeking out from inside the envelope. He’d sent something else with his letter.

You pull it out and gasp, bubbling with joy. Tommy had sent a picture, a picture of himself.

You smile at the black and white photo, your eyes greedily taking in every detail of his face. Your fingers trace over his eyes, staring in awe at how the photograph managed to capture the characteristic intensity in his gaze that you’d fallen in love with.

It’s a long time before you think that others might want to use the bathroom eventually, so you gather your letter and photograph to your tiny room. You decide you’ll write back tomorrow and see if you can find some time during lunch to find somewhere to get a photograph of yourself to send to Tommy. For tonight, you’ll reread his letter, proof that he’s alive and well and thinking of you, and keep his photograph close to your heart and pray that soon you’ll see him in person again.

Being away from Tommy while he’s at war has been the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to do, walking through life as though you aren’t worried every moment of every day for the safety of the one you’ve fallen in love with. But you’ve kept his promise close to your heart and you know that it will all be real one day.

He will come back to you, you’ll start your lives together. It will happen, because he’d promised and you believe in him.

You’d wait for him, no matter how long it took.

#Fionn Whitehead #Dunkirk #dunkirk drabble #Fionn x Reader #fionnly darling #a letter from tommy #please excuse and inaccuracies i may have made i am a noob #dunkirk blurb #dunkirk fanfiction #dunkirk imagines

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hullrepublic-blog · 5 years

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Vote or Die.

Vote or die? Or not.

As we move within a week of the general election, pondering my voting options, I did what I often do in troubling times - I watched an episode of South Park. Other sources of information - indeed, other animated cartoons - are available, but this seemed appropriate.

if you’ve somehow missed it for the last 23 years, South Park is an animated American cartoon, situated in the Colorado town of the same name, the creation of animators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. It focusses on the lives of some ten-year old children and the sense they make of both their immediate world and the wider one. It subverts Disneyesque sophistication with paper cut-out depictions and has offended everyone you would expect with a relentlessly scatalogical, sexual and scabrous approach. It is courageously satirical and, most importantly, very, very funny.

The episode “Douche and Turd” was first aired in the week running up to the 2004 US presidential election. As Parker and Stone famously - and remarkably - produce episodes of South Park in a week, it isn’t difficult to see what was on their minds. The episode centres on South Park elementary school needing to find a new mascot after a violent demonstration by the People for the ethical treatment of animals (PETA) convinces the school authorities that the current mascot, a cow, is inappropriate. Enraged by the alternatives offered - when one of the class, Wendy, asks why they can vote for ‘Indians’ or ‘Redskins’ as mascots as these are inappropriate too, a teacher explains that this is OK as “PETA doesn't care about people” - the children revolt and suggest their own lurid choices. The upshot is the children end up voting on whether their mascot will be a giant douche, or a turd sandwich. In typical South Parkian logic the whole town becomes caught up in this, irrationally siding with one or the other. We see classic election behaviour, from bribery (with butterscotch candies), threats of violence and a TV debate of spirit-flattening banality. Only one person is immune. Stan, one of the children, can’t see the point of voting with so limited a choice. For his pains he is banished by the townsfolk, driven out of town whilst sat backwards on a horse, a bucket on his head.The mayor’s words ring in his ears: “May the gods treat you more kindly than we have!”

“Douche and Turd” is a continuous delight, from Stan’s dad telling him his upcoming banishment has so upset his mother “She couldn’t even bring herself to help tie you to the horse” to the PETA camp at which Stan takes refuge, where he is told “The outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama.” True to South Park traditions in perpetuity, it swings two-fisted at everything within reach. PETA is lampooned mercilessly but no more than Puff Daddy (as he then was) and his well-meaning but misfiring ‘Citizen change’ campaign and hyperbolic slogan ‘Vote or Die!’ The rap parody tramples gleefully in sexist and violent glory over the issues:

“Vote or die, motherfucker!

Motherfucker, vote or die!

Rock the vote or else

I’m gonna stick a knife through your eye!”

You sense Jo Swinson would have had a more respectful hearing from the Sheffield Question time audience were P-Diddy in her corner. As well as these high profile targets, an equal battering is meted out to the ‘everyman’ South Park residents who blindly revere a democratic process of complete failure.

This is South Park in excelsis, two furious young men slashing at a political system offering them George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, or John Kerry, a conservative Democrat. After watching the recent ITV ‘debate’ between Boris Johnson - who treats honesty as something that happens to other people - and Jeremy Corbyn - who chooses to be ‘neutral’ on the biggest issue facing voters since world war two - it is easy to nod when Stan learns the sad, defining lesson of the episode: voting is holding your nose and learning to choose between a douche and a turd, for democratic politics offers little else.

This isn’t the full truth. It is undoubtedly the great failing of any system which offers a binary choice - US presidential, UK first-past-the-post, any referendum - that you often get a result alienating a significant amount of voters after offering a choice nowhere near what many of them wanted. There are better ways. Much of Europe uses proportional representation (PR), where a vote for a minor party gives you a voice and means you are listened to. In 2001 in the UK we considered this and, typically, offered voters a binary choice between sticking with what we have, or adopting a system that is not really PR at all. *Sigh*

But even within a system as unfit for the age as ours, voting is still worth it. A Johnson-led government will be very different to a Corbyn-led one. These are genuine alternatives. If, like me, you can’t stomach either, then you have other options from parties as different as Lib Dem, Brexit and Green. If you think voting for small parties pointless, remember UKIP had only one MP when fear of the votes they might garner led to the 2016 EU referendum. And every time I hear Tories, Liberals and Labour-ites outbidding each other on environmental issues I’m immensely proud of being a Green Party member and voter and of our single MP; ideas derided 15 years ago we have helped make mainstream.

Do vote. Whether for a giant douche, or a turd sandwich, or for something in which you truly believe. It’s the only time those who speak for us have even to pretend to care what we think. So a week on Thursday, dial down the rhetoric of Mr Diddy, be guided by the noble scepticism of Stan and toddle off to your polling booth. You’ll be glad you did.

Thanks to @INDEPENDENT_MG for his wonderful contribution and a public apology for the delay in publishing!

If you’d like to blog for HullRePublic then get in touch on twitter.

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streets-in-paradise · 4 years

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Battle Scars

Troy 2004 fanfiction

Characters: Hector, sister oc ( it can also be read as a reader insert since i haven’t named her yet and there are no mayor descriptions)

Word Count: 2101

Genre: Angst Comfort - Fluff

Relationships : Platonic - Family.

Summary: Paris is determined to fight Menelaus. His siblings are concerned with the high chances of his death and his younger sister wants to take his place. Hector comforts her and warns her about some less discussed consecuences of battle. ( I suck at writing summaries.)

Triggers: Mentions of war and typical war involved violence. (not much. Don’t worry because it is not gory)

Disclaimers: This is my first attempt of writing fanfict to post. English is not my native language, i translated it to english with the help of an online translator.

Tags: @hrisity12 (tag you because i think you will want to see this)

I hope you enjoy this and thanks for reading

The night after the start of the war had already fallen. The palace was quiet, a silent atmosphere that was nothing more than the mix of grief and exhaustion surrounded the entire place. Pacing around the hallways, Hector seemed to be the only person around, unable to allow himself to have some rest. He was looking for Paris, after the scandal created by his proposition of fighting against Menelaus and the lethal risks involved for him in that reckless idea he felt the need of having a serious conversation with him.

Unfortunately, his brother was not the only one who needed his words and company that time. In his way he crossed ways first with Helen, stopping a grief induced attempt of scaping in a desperate try to stop the war. After comforting his sister in law, he was approached by his younger sister. The young lady was rageful and worried in the same amount. Without hesitation, she let go all the thoughts that were troubling her and vented to her brother.

“Paris is the worst swordsman I have ever seen. How can you allow this? He can’t do that, i will not allow it. Why can’t I fight in his place?” she snapped.

Seeing her state, Hector decided to stop his search for Paris and have a talk with her. The last time they had a few words was that morning in the armory when she begged him to let her fight and stumbled across his refusal. He thought that,after that short altercate in which no one had the time to explain themselves and with the news about Paris worrying both to the core, they needed some time alone.

“You know you can’t do that. It would hurt his honour. He can’t let his sister fight his own battles “ he tried to explain.

“Do you really think Paris cares for his honour? He is doing it out of guilt. I can’t let him die.“ she asserted

“ It is his choice” he stated.

“ What about my choice of fighting this morning? I am the little girl so it is correct to take away my will to choose? “ she replied, her tone getting progressively more enraged.” Helen is a trojan princess now, let a trojan woman defend her freedom to choose her own fate. She is not a fighter but she has a sister willing to do it for her. I will be defending her freedom, not Paris’s right to possess her.”

“ I will not let you get involved in actual combat for the first time against the King of Sparta. That man fought all his life.”

“ But it is fine to send Paris to his death? It would be his first combat as well but with half of my training as backup. He never cared for this sort of thing, the only weapon he handles with a considerable talent is the bow. He can’t show up to a single combat with bow and arrows and he is terrible with swords.”

“Don’t put me in the situation of being the one who has to choose between you two which one of my siblings will be sacrificed.”

“ Of course, because you already decided it.”

That thoughtless reply was more of what the man could handle. Abandoning his conciliatory tone, Hector allowed himself to let his own concernings go and said exactly what was going through his mind.

“Do you think i want to burn our brother’s body?? I love him as much as i love you. I can’t allow you to fight, it is not your right to die in his place.”

“ How can you be so sure i’m going to die? Is your trust in me so small and weak?”she asked, confused by the switch in her brother’s approach.

“Real life is not like training in the safe space provided by the security of our walls. Battle is screams, blood,sweat, excrements and desperation. Nothing more. Your skills are worthy of trust but you are still very young and naive. You think you will go out there and end up crowned as trojan champion after doing some heroic act. That sort of attitude can get you killed.” he explained in the most honest and realistic way he could use without upsetting her more.

“Menelaus is a slow old beast. I’m young, fast and flexible. I’m a better choice than Paris for that combat and you know it.” she insisted.

“I may be aware of it but i don’t care. “ Hector replied. The only way to go with this sort of conversation, especially considering the stubbornness of his sister on the topic, was through full honesty.

He decided he was going to give her a complete explanation of his reasons on that choice.

“Since the first time you picked a sword i told myself i would let you have your fun but i would also protect you from what would be waiting outside if you actually tried to pursue that path.”

The princess listened carefully and, imagining the route the conversation was heading, spoke her mind.

“Death? That 's all? Your greatest fear is for me to end up dead in the battlefield? I am not afraid of it. I will die with glory if it saves our brother. Stories of my sacrifice will be tell all around our country and i will live in them. “

Hector was visibly angry this time. He wasn’t able to let himself believe what he was hearing.

“That is nonsense. Stories? You are asking me to let you die with stories as consolation? The songs of the bards are party entertainment, they aren’t worth your life “

“Even with the result of my death the outcome is good. If i leave my mark in history men will notice they need to change their ways. My death will save Paris and inspire more shieldmaidens.” she explained

“Had you realized who you are sounding like? That is exactly the sort of pointless nonsense i heard from Achilles. It is not what i taught you.” he warned her

“You taught me about sacrifice for my family and my country. That is your moral code, and it is the exact thing you don’t let me practice.” she complained, hurt by feelings of injustice.

Becoming desperate witnessing how nothing seemed to make her understand, he tried to show her understandment of her point of view and spoke from his own feelings and fears.

“I don’t want to lose you! I’m not even talking about death when i say it. That is indeed a big fear of mine regarding you but it is not the only one. I will not be talking about death now.” he said, lowering his tone trying to sound more calm to show her that his anger was not related to a misunderstandment of her point. “ Real combat, a battle in the middle of a war unleashed at our gates ... It is a terrible event to witness. I would not wish that to my worst enemy. It changes you, leaves scars on you that you would have to carry your whole life. Not just the physical ones, in your inside. Your mind and your heart are not the same after you survive your first battle. I hate to fight, it consumes you. Why would i want you to go through my same suffering? I don’t forbid you to fight because you are a girl and i am some traditionalist who can’t come across to understand your will to challenge our ways. You know i am not like that, i wouldn’t had let you get involved in combat training sessions in the first place.”

The girl seemed less upset in her approach after hearing him.

“You said it was a good way to wake some sort of interest in Paris and it was part of his formal education. We were very hard to separate back then.”

“And you still are. Menelaus would find you both sticked to each other in combat if i wouldn’t interfere in your choices.” he teased . She smiled briefly while hearing him.

“ Combat has a terrible effect on people.I don’t wish such a terrible fate for you.” Hector stated, going back to his point. “As long as i live i will protect you from it. I love your sweet enthusiasm, your kindness and concern for our people. I already know you sneaked out to help in the expedition I sent to look for people in the camps. I should be mad about it but i am not because in that action you showed who you are. You are caring, you are full of hope and life. I love you as you are, Troy loves you as you are. Don’t ask me to take that away from you.”

The words of her brother had a clear effect, she was on the edge of tears.

“ But i want to help you!! I want to share the weight of the war with you.” she yelled. “It is not fair for you to carry it all on your own and you know well Paris will not help”

“He is trying” he said, trying to comfort her

“He will kill himself!!” she shouted while tears started falling through her cheeks

“ I promise i will help him as much as i can.” he reassured her

“It is not enough, i want to help you”

“Your cheerful welcomes after every battle are more helpful to me than the strength of your arm.”

With her feelings overwhelming her, the young lady hugged her brother tightly

“I want to fight for you and for our people. I love you so much, it hurts me to see how you work so hard on your own for all of us.”

Hector caressed her cheeks to clean her tears.

“Do you want to know why it’s said that Achilles is a better warrior than me?” he asked in a trivial tone

“ Because it is said that he is the son of a sea goddess?” she answered in a slightly doubtful way.

“ That is what people who have never stepped into combat believe. What i saw in him today, he is so good because he doesn’t care about anything. It’s clear that the scars war left on him took over and at some point he stopped caring. He has no mercy, no respect. He talks of war like it’s a game. When he is fighting he stops existing as a man and becomes only the tool war requires him to be. He became desensitized to all the death surrounding him. His only concern is to win glory because, once this lifestyle takes everything from you, that’s all what’s left for you to collect. He is a broken man, an extreme example of what war makes on soldiers.” he explained

“ You are my moral guide, my example of behaviour. I would never allow myself to get lost like that because i have you.”

“ And i am not the almighty hero you see in me. I am another man changed by war. I fight hard to stay in my path, to remain as myself. I don’t want to look at you one day and see just a shade of the kind, lifeful girl you are now.” he confessed.

“ I have to assume you are protecting me from myself then?” she asked, without the connotations of assertiveness in her ways previously displayed. She felt regret for the rude ways in which her anger made her judge him

“I am, even when you don’t notice it.”

“ I don’t want our countrymen to die protecting my spirits.”

“I love you and i can’t allow it. Call me selfish if you want but even i have the right to a bit of selfishness on occasions.”

After hearing her usually selfless brother admitting he was incapable of an impartial view of the issue when she was involved she was done with the talking. There was nothing more left to say that could mean as much as that. Hector’s life was full of sacrifices, she felt unable to question him. She wasn’t going to complain about the first time she ever heard him thinking of himself to make a choice.

Instead, she thanked him for his concern and told him once more about how much she loved him. Hector kissed her forehead, wished her goodnight, and went to see their brother. He had brief thoughts about the very little time of sleep that was left for him but it didn’t matter. His siblings needed him that night and, as always, he was going to be there for them.

#troy 2004 #troy fanfiction #troy 2004 fanfiction #hector of troy #eric bana #hector fanfiction #eric bana fanfiction

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roswelldetails · 6 years

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Episode 106: Smells like Teen Spirit - details

Episode Summary Max tells Liz what he knows about the night Rosa was killed, and the viewers get a glimpse of what happened years earlier both in 2008 and 2004. Also, prom.

Details - this is not an exhaustive list of every single detail, just just a few that might be important now or later.

The 2004 camping trip:

The trio apparently celebrates their birthdays on the same day each year - the day they were found in the desert. And they celebrate together, each year taking turns planning what they’ll do. 2004 was Michael’s turn, and it was a camping trip.

By this point they knew that Michael could move things with his mind, and Isobel could mess with people’s thoughts, but they weren’t sure what “superpower” Max had. Other than causing dirty-dream-induced power outages.

Michael couldn’t control his power yet and would accidentally throw furniture around when he got angry - which was often in the group home. Max obviously couldn’t control himself either.

There’s no reason to think that Isobel had any control at that point. *Theory on that to come later

The lady running the group home tried to exorcise Michael when he moved furniture around, and hurt him in the process. Michael mentions it, but doesn’t really want to talk about it.

At 13, Michael is already bottling up his pain, and likely not telling Max or Isobel a whole lot of the bad stuff that happens to him.

When the guy in the desert grabs Isobel, he’s looking over his shoulder at something (or someone) - in the opposite direction of Max and Michael who are running towards him.

Max suddenly knows he can kill the guy with his power, so he glow-hands the guy to death.

And Michael buries him.

After that camping trip, Isobel started having blackouts which, according to Max, “were brief and rare. Just little moments where she'd fade away.”

Flashback to 2008 when Max is shooting cans out of the air:

Michael has been accepted to UNM with a full scholarship, and Max plans to spend the summer tutoring to earn money so he can travel and write a book.

Isobel walks away instead of congratulating Michael, which Michael assumes is her “latest ploy for attention.”

Flashback at the high school:

Liz is working at the Crashdown to pay for Rosa’s car so she can use it for her roadtrip. She appears to be good friends with Alex.

Max and Alex walk away together when Kyle shows up - apparently, they were friends too.

At the bleachers, Isobel is laying in the sun, ditching AP History. She tells a confused Max that she doesn’t care about prom.

He says “Okay... who are you right now?” because it’s not like her to not care about prom.

Kate and Jasmine were doing drugs and Rosa was their supplier. They are not happy with her decision to get clean. They threaten to ruin Rosa’s life if she doesn’t come through for them.

Flashback at the diner:

Liz’s mom had apparently promised to be back in time to shop for prom dresses, but Rosa didn’t believe it.

On the roof of the diner, Rosa and Isobel are apparently friends. Rosa is glad to see her, and Isobel tells her about Ophiuchus, her favorite constellation.

Making it likely that the note from the Rosa scavenger hunt that was signed “Ophiuchus” was from Isobel.

The description for Ophiuchus: "Maybe the man's killing the serpent. Maybe the serpent's killing the man. You can't tell where the man ends and the snake begins."

Possibly a description of whatever’s going on inside Isobel.

Flashback to May 2008 at school:

There were rumors that Michael lived in his truck. Probably because of the blankets in the back of it.

Michael mentions rumors about Alex, but doesn’t say what they are.

Michael is using Alex’s guitar, and even though Alex seems annoyed by that, he lets Michael know that his house has a warm tool shed if he ever needs a place to stay.

Flashback to the diner again - Max and Isobel ordering food:

Isobel knows that Max likes Liz. Like, probably everyone including the Evan’s mailman knows that Max likes Liz.

Isobel has NO MEMORY of her conversation with Max at the bleachers earlier in the episode. She doesn’t remember being banned from prom.

But she bats her eyes, saying that her brain is her superpower, saying that she’ll get Markham to change her mind. Likely, using her powers.

Apparently at some point Isobel also made plans to go to a movie with Rosa, but has no memory of it now.

Rosa’s speech to Liz before the prom about not trusting people was probably something to do with the way Isobel was treating her.

Flashback to prom (May 17, 2008):

Isobel seems to be triggered by Max telling her “besides, this is all almost over” and walks away. Presumably leaving the prom to go find Rosa at the Crashdown.

Kyle says something bad to Alex that he won’t repeat in front of Liz. Kyle is an ass. The two boys throw some punches, but are broken up by Michael and some of Kyle’s friends. Kyle calls Alex a coward - creating a nice symmetry to the earlier episode where Kyle said Alex was the bravest person he knew.

Michael asks Alex if he’s okay, and Liz tells Kyle to grow up, and then chases after Alex.

Flashback to the Crashdown on prom night:

Isobel is being not-herself again. When Rosa asks about the prom, she says, “I just don’t care about those people.”

Upon learning that Rosa plans to leave town, Isobel suggests that they run away together instead.

Later, Isobel wakes at the junk yard covered in paint from Rosa’s artwork, but we have no idea how the evening actually went for them.

Flashback to the prom aftermath:

Max finds Liz sitting alone, makeup ruined from crying (because apparently she hadn’t discovered the water-proof stuff yet, like she obviously has as an adult because -wow- she gets a lot of crying in without messing up her face)

She basically tells Max that her and Kyle have broken up saying “No, we won’t” when he tells her they’ll work it out.

It turns out Liz is crying because she misses her mom. She assumes her mom must figure Liz doesn’t need her anymore, but Liz feels like she still needs a mom.

Though Liz admits that if her mom were present, she’d likely be drunk and selfish - painting a not-wonderful picture of Mrs. Ortecho.

Michael interrupts Max’s moment with Liz to announce that Isobel is gone and he has a bad feeling.

They search all night and find Isobel at the junk yard with no memory of the previous night with Rosa.

They assume she’s on drugs and lying about it.

Isobel is freaked out over the idea of them leaving her to go live their own lives. She runs off while they shrug to each other like “eh... women, amirite?”

Flashback to June 2008:

Michael is hanging out in the Manes tool shed, sketching alien stuff and doing equations.

Alex comes in (apparently for the first time since Michael’s been hanging out there), and says, "It's good that you've been staying here. It's cold at night."

So even if it was Alex’s first time coming in, he’s been aware that Michael has been staying there.

Alex comes bearing gifts - his brother’s guitar for Michael to use.

Michael admits that playing music helps him quiet the chaos inside.

And he uses the physics term “entropy” to describe it because he’s a precious little genius physics nerd.

After Michael stares at Alex’s lips a while, Alex leans in to kiss him, but Michael turns away and lifts the guitar to play.

Flashback to outside the Crashdown on the day Rosa is murdered (2 weeks before graduation):

Rosa’s car is vandalized and she assumes Kate and Jasmine did it.

Isobel appears and offers to help clean it off.

Rosa almost tells the audience something about her dad, but she cuts herself off: “I thought Kate Long was my friend, but I guess I'm just her supplier. And my mom sucks, and Liz is gonna leave, and I just found out that my dad...”

What? What did you just find out, Rosa??

Isobel approaches Rosa like she’s studying her, and Rosa tells Isobel that she’s “a lot” and that she just can’t handle her right now.

Then Rosa runs inside, leaving Isobel to give significantly creepy looks to the car.

Flashback to inside the Crashdown, same day:

Max and Michael are acting brotherly, sitting in a booth and talking.

They think Isobel might be on drugs.

Max wants to ask Liz out because he felt like they had a moment.

Michael knows all about those moments - Oh, I bet you do, Michael.

Rosa and Isobel are fighting about the car - probably because Rosa doesn’t want Liz to see the vandalism so she’s not letting her use it after all.

Liz and Rosa’s final words to each other:

Liz: "You know what, you're just like mom. Nobody matters but you."

Rosa: "I'm nothing like Mom. I'm here."

Then Rosa slo-mo exits the diner for the last time.

But Liz is in luck for the bio project - Max is willing (and by willing, he means desperate) to take her since he has to do the project too.

Liz decides instead of doing the project, they should have an adventure together, beginning what is possibly the world’s most tame adventure two nerds ever had.

Flashback to Liz and Max’s super tame desert “adventure”:

Rosa got Liz a fake ID. Of course she did.

Looking forward to their 25 year-old selves, Liz wants to be a dancer.

Max wants to be a writer and write something “you can disappear into.”

They take like 2 sips of beer and dance. Liz wants to kiss Max, but decides not to because she doesn’t think she could kiss him and then leave, and she wants to leave.

Remember, though, they’ve been friends for along time. In a voice over during an earlier episode, Liz said that Max was the only one who could make her smile when her mom left. So it’s possible that Liz has had feelings for this dude simmering for a while.

Liz doesn’t want to be the kind of girl who changes her plans for a boy.

As the sun is setting, Max admits that he’s 100% ready to be the boy who changes his plans for her. He says, “all I've ever wanted was to change my plans for you.”

First of all, at least when it comes to Liz, Max has no chill. Zero. He’s all but declaring his life-long love for her.

And second, he hasn’t really made plans for himself at this point beyond trying to get some money to go on his own roadtrip. So...? They both want to see the world.

But Liz seems on board with it. They have a little back and forth about all the possible places they could kiss on this epic road trip and end up in each other’s arms, smiling dopily as the sun sets.

Flashback to the alien museum:

Micheal wants to talk to Alex privately, and by that he means kiss him in a dark alien exhibit room.

Alex is all for it.

Flashback to the tool shed, same day:

Michael says he’s not a virgin, but has no experience with a guy, and none with someone he’s liked this much.

So they do it. And apparently it’s good, judging by how happy it seems to make them.

Until Sgt. Manes walks in and ruins literally everything.

Alex stands, and steps in front of Michael, although he’s clearly dreading whatever is coming next.

Words are exchanged, and then Sgt. Manes has Alex pushed up against a wall with his hand around Alex’s neck.

Michael tries to intervene and Manes takes a hammer to Michael’s hand enough times to permanently ruin it.

And most likely prevent him from ever playing guitar again.

Flashback to the rest of the night Rosa died:

In a bizarre twist, Max didn’t lie to Liz about the events of that night - he just didn’t tell her the whole story. Max really did go write a super sappy letter and leave it under the window wiper of the car, and he really was confronted by a drunk Rosa. Then he really did leave her there.

Rosa is drunk and upset and already has “a fraudulent zodiac” written on her hand, so she’s already been to the Wild Pony, asked Maria not to tell Isobel she was there, written on her hand, and stolen the bottle of booze.

And now we know that what she wrote on her hand was most likely a reference to Isobel.

Rosa finds Max’s letter, and somehow... in a very short time... takes it up and hides it on the roof. Before somehow ending up in the desert with the other two girls.

Meanwhile, Michael is chugging acetone to kill the pain in his hand. There’s a sudden painful ringing, and he sees a vision of the mine entrance, and of the two girls outside it.

It looks and sounds nothing like Isobel and Max’s previous psychic connection.

Somehow he knows that Isobel is in trouble so he heads for the mine.

Max has his phone up to his ear and looks about to get into his jeep when he feels the same painful whatever-it-is, and seems to know Isobel is in trouble.

Michael arrives to see the two girls dead, and gets inside the mine just in time to see Isobel apparently kill Rosa with her mind.

Because she wasn’t suffocating her... her nose was free.

During the murdering, Isobel says to Rosa, “But I did it for you. Everything I did was for you.”

When a freaked-out Michael asks her what she’s done, she replies, “She couldn't be trusted.” then faints.

Michael assumes that Isobel also killed the other girls.

Max gets there in time to see Isobel drop, and is relieved to see she’s alive. He tries to bring Rosa back from the dead, but he can’t do it.

Max and Michael decide to cover up the murder in order to protect Isobel.

Michael floats the bodies over to Rosa’s car.

Begging the quesiton how in the world Grant Green missed seeing the two of them walking right behind the floating girls.

They get the girls strapped in, and Isobel appears with no memory of what has happened.

Michael decides to take the fall rather than tell Isobel the truth. He claims he got into a fight with someone who wrecked his hand, got drunk, and then lost control of his telekinesis, killing the girls.

In all the confusion of the night, this appears to be the first time Max has heard anything about Michael’s hand.

It’s unlikely Michael ever told him the real story.

Michael uses his powers to drive the girls into a tree, and then Max sets the car on fire with his powers.

Present day:

Max tells Liz that they never understood why Isobel did it, but they never asked questions and just tried to forget it.

So Max and Michael stopped hanging out because they reminded each other of what had happened, and they only wanted to forget.

And Isobel has probably spent 10 years thinking that they didn’t hang out anymore because Max was blaming Michael for killing the girls.

Max tells Liz that he wanted to tell her and came to find her “a few days later” but she was saying goodbye to her family and then she left Roswell.

Either Max isn’t being literal when he says it was a few days, or Liz left before graduating high school because Rosa died 2 weeks before graduation.

Sometime between Rosa’s death and Liz leaving, Max made it clear to his siblings that he planned to tell Liz, and they decided to have Isobel mess with her mind so she’d leave before he had the chance to tell her anything.

Liz is understandably upset that Max ruined the Ortecho family in order to protect Isobel. She’s now 1000% done with Max and tells him she never wants to see him again before leaving.

#roswell new mexico #max evans #liz ortecho #michael guerin #Isobel Evans #alex manes #kyle valenti #sgt manes #rosa ortecho #episode 106 #details #roswell nm #roswell cw #roswell nm season 1

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redgreenbluesforloco · 6 years

Text

Asahi feature on how Akiko overcame anorexia to become National Champion in 2013

Trigger warning for a detailed account of Akiko’s struggle with an eating disorder (anorexia nervosa), including physical and psychological effects. {Note: I’m not at all an experienced jpn to eng translator, and this is my first time translating such a long article on a complex subject. The phrasing may be awkward and there may be some mistakes. If you notice any, please do let me know.}

Content under the cut: Main article + Akiko’s letter to her mother + a segment on the correlation between the “athletic mentality” and eating disorders and what kind of support is available in Japan to those suffering from EDs

Her weight having once been as low as 32kg, Akiko was able to return to the ice

As the sound of Phantom of the Opera filled the arena, she landed clean combination jumps in sync with the music. Even on this final battle, she displayed a rich variety of expressions as she danced. Once she struck the final pose, her hands clenched into fists and she let her arms drop. During the four minutes of her free skate, there had been no mistakes.

It was at the National Championships on the 23rd of December, 2013, that the Olympic representatives would also be decided. Having come from 2nd place in the SP into the FS, Akiko Suzuki (33) had tears streaming down her face. “It’s been a long time, but I’m glad I’ve skated for this long.”

When she was 18, she developed an eating disorder. For over half a year, she was in a state that made it impossible to skate at all. She was able to make a recovery after hitting rock bottom, and now, in a surprise victory, managed to place 1st, scoring very high marks in the FS. She had secured a place in the Olympics for the 2nd time. Her mother, Keiko (68), who had been watching the performance, was overcome with emotion: “I guess Gods do reward you in the end.”

Akiko started skating when she was 6 years old. She had been learning many things, but what she wanted to pursue was skating. From her home in Toyohashi (Aichi prefecture) she’d go to train in a rink in Nagoya. When her father Kazunori (71) and Keiko, who ran a restaurant, were busy, one of their regular customers would sometimes pick her up at the rink. The food served was mainly Japanese cuisine.

During summer and winter vacations after she started middle school, she’d go to a training camp to be instructed by Coach Hiroshi Nagakubo. Her jumping technique was lackluster, but she loved to dance. What set her apart was her exquisite expressive ability. On her 1st and 2nd years of high school she placed 4th twice in a row in the National Championships. People’s expectations of her future grew.  

After graduating high school, she went on to attend Tohoku Fukushi university in Sendai, and decided to tackle skating in Coach Nakubo’s home base. At the same time, her peers from the same hometown of Aichi, Miki Ando and Yukari Nakano, were living abroad on and off to train.

In March of 2003, she began her stay at her coach’s house. Laundry, cleaning, preparing her own meals: if she couldn’t do everything perfectly she’d get frustrated with herself. She had morning practice; then, after attending lectures at university, she’d be back in the rink again. It was the start of a life that revolved around skating to an unhealthy extent.  

The shape of a woman’s body changes easily during puberty. For the sake of scoring in competitions, she had been warned about the importance of self-management. If she lost weight, she’d be able to jump more easily. She didn’t want to be told she couldn’t manage by herself after moving out of her parents’ home. She was taken captive by those kind of thoughts.

She then changed her bowl to a child-sized one and stopped eating anything greasy or fried. She wouldn’t eat vegetables that had been cooked with any kind of grease. Little by little, she increased the number of rules for herself. She wouldn’t eat meat anymore and was very particular about ingredients put in side dishes, no matter how small the quantity.  

She’d measure her weight 5 times a day. If she didn’t get on a scale she couldn’t relax. If her weight had gone down, that was proof her hard work had paid off. With a height of 161cm, her weight dropped from 48kg to 40kg in one month.

During an extended vacation in May, she came to visit her mother at the Izakaya she ran in Toyohashi. The moment she opened the door, her mother exclaimed, “What happened?” She looked so thin she was hard to recognize.

When she went back to Sendai, she never skipped practices or college lectures, but there was a tough commute including a transfer from the train to a bus. After attending 90 minute lectures, she’d be very tired. By the time she arrived at the rink, the practice was sloppy; she became unable to perform even simple spins. Yukio Shibata (69) the head of the skating division, noticed this and told her, “Why don’t you go home?”

At the end of May, Keiko-san took her to see a psychiatrist at a Toyohashi hospital. As the doctor listened to her symptoms and measured her weight, he informed them that she was anorexic. It is a type of eating disorder now called anorexia nervosa, an illness characterized by extreme concern over weight to the point where one develops a tendency to skip meals altogether. This results in an increasing danger of malnutrition. Although the person suffering from the disorder diets often, they do not realize they have lost weight.

Having already been concerned over the strange changes her daughter was going through, the doctor’s explanation satisfied Keiko. But Akiko could not accept that her efforts were being called an ‘illness.’ The thoughts that crossed her mind were along the lines of “I wanted to be thin so I lost weight. I can gain it back, so it’s fine.”

She was prescribed medication to raise her blood pressure as well as antidepressants. She couldn’t sleep no matter how tired she was, so she started taking sleeping pills. She had so little body fat she felt cold even in the middle of the day. Despite all of this, she couldn’t bring herself to drink the canned nutritional supplement given to her by the hospital: “If I drink this, I’ll get fat.”

She couldn’t even eat the meals her mother made for her. “Eat just a little bit of something nutritious,” she was told. She thought, “I’m doing what I can.” It was painful for her to see the sad look on her mother’s face.

The impatience to skate grew worse. She would go to the rink in Nagoya, but she was tired out just from the one-and-a-half-hour commute and would come back home without having been able to accomplish anything. That summer, her weight dropped as low as 32kg.

She’d developed this eating disorder when she enrolled in university in 2003. At that time, she weighed 48kg. By the summer of that year she weighed 32kg.

By the end of May she had gone back home to Toyohashi (Aichi prefecture), moving out of her boarding place in Nagoya. However, she would still not eat the food her mother, Keiko, tried to give her. Her mother would plead with her, “Please eat.” But it was not so simple, although it was painful to see her mother look so sad. 

In July, Keiko-san tried to tell her, “Let’s go to the hospital.” She earnestly told Akiko, “I just want you to live.” But Akiko stubbornly refused, saying, “If I go, it means I won’t be able to skate.” She couldn’t imagine being herself if she couldn’t skate.

A change in Keiko’s words created the opportunity for Akiko to face the challenge of eating. Instead of ordering Akiko to eat, she said, “Let’s start with whatever you feel you can eat and go from there.” Akiko had thought her parents would not accept her unless she was perfect, but now she began to feel as though her current self could be accepted in her entirety. Tofu, fruits, sugar-free yogurt. Little by little, she began to eat what she could.  

In the autumn, she was scheduled to appear in her first GP competition, Skate Canada. But she had been away from the rink and her new programs had not been choreographed yet. In September, she phoned the Japanese Skating Federation and said that she could not attend due to health problems. “I’ve missed my chance,” she thought, and broke down in tears after the phone call.

In the middle of autumn, she became determined and returned to Sendai: “I want to be on the ice once again.” Coach Nagakubo, however, told her, “I can’t let you practice. First you have to get your weight back up to 40kg.” To start with, she worked on regaining her physical strength through walking.  

When it came to her fear of eating, it was one step forward, one step back. Head of the skating division Yukio Shibata introduced her to a clinic nearby where she would get IV drips with vitamins and nutrients. She told a nurse there, “I have to eat, but I just can’t.” The nurse responded, “It’s okay. Just take it slow for now.” Suzuki felt grateful to receive a reaction so full of acceptance.  

Her food intake gradually increased in quantity. She gradually became more positive with both her body and mind. Her weight having once been below 40kg, she returned to her 1st year of university and stood on the ice once again.

The muscles supporting her torso had become weak to the point where she would fall down trying to skate forward. She became wary of people’s gaze. She felt as though her skinny thighs were being stared at. “But that’s just the reality,” she thought. In order to skate, she worked hard to accept the reality that faced her. She decided to try and make an appearance in January 2004 at an intercollegiate championship. The head of the skating division at Fukushi University Yukio Shibata recounts, “I couldn’t believe she’d really skate.”  

She didn’t know whether she would be able to complete the performance. She couldn’t do 3 rotation jumps – she could only make it to two and a half. The time when she had placed highly in the ranks during high school at the National Championships “seemed like a lifetime ago.”  

At that time, Noriko Hongo, who ran a beauty salon in Miyagi, Sendai, would often take Akiko out. She was the same age as Suzuki’s mother, Keiko. Noriko had two figure skating daughters who used to be enrolled at the same university club as Suzuki, and had been told by Shibata, “Please look after [Akiko].”

“Let’s go to a place that has food that Akko likes!” Suzuki adored Noriko and her serene voice, dubbing her “my Sendai mother.” They would go to a karaoke snack bar just for fun, without drinking alcohol. After her morning practice, Akiko would go to Noriko’s house to take a nap. Noriko would help take care of her eating habits, making her Japanese food with plenty of vegetables. Although she could still not eat meat, as the items that she could eat increased, she began to feel as though she might recover.

She had to rebuild her muscles one by one. In practice, she had to re-learn everything from theory to application. She started being able to do things that just a week before had been impossible for her. She re-lived the joyful moments from childhood: “I was able to do that jump! I was able to spin correctly!” Her club coach Hiroshi Nakubo patted her on the back and told her, “You can definitely make a comeback.”  

Akiko was aware that body-building is essential for athletes, so eating habits were also an aspect of training. The self-imposed rules about what she had to eat continued to decrease. However, she still couldn’t bring herself to eat meat. She had accepted a piece of information she found on her own that said that “grease is always bad,” and at first, she believed meat to be greasy. She knew that the proteins were good for muscle-building, but she couldn’t shake off the fear.  

The breakthrough came at the end of her 3rd year of university, when some thin-sliced pork with salad was served. She was told by friends, “You don’t have to force yourself.” Somehow she wanted to try it. “I think it might be okay,” she said, sincerely believing that it would.  

When Shizuka Arakawa was selected as a representative at the national championships for the Torino Olympics in 2006 where she won gold, Akiko could not make the last group along with the top-ranked skaters. She was told, “What a shame that you had to have a setback at that time.” The frustration was overwhelming.

In 2007, she won the Winter Universiade Competition. She was able to secure the ticket to the 2010 Vancouver Olympics that she so desired, where she placed 8th. “I’ll stop when I’m satisfied with myself.” Another year, and then another, and so on. She went to her 2nd Olympics in 2014 Sochi, and placed 8th once again. It probably used to be unimaginable for anyone that she would get to go to the Olympics twice. “To keep going while I was sick, I needed power and perseverance, but the objective of continuing to skate gave me the motivation to overcome the obstacles in my way.”  

Having had the experience of an eating disorder, just being able to skate made her happy. The fact that she was able to compete like she did was, after all, due to her healthy body. She now asks that female athletes seek medical help if they are experiencing sudden and drastic changes in their weight or amenorrhea (absence of menstruation/skipping periods).

After the March 2014 Worlds in which she retired, she’s been living as a professional skater and choreographer. She also commentated on the Pyeongchang Olympics on television. Skating has accompanied her throughout her life. She would like to continue with the activities that allow her to communicate her love of the sport.

Akiko’s letter to her mother

Akiko’s mother still treasures a letter Akiko sent her when she was finally able to go to skate Canada after having to withdraw the previous time. She keeps it in her wallet to this day. In this letter, Akiko reflects on how she cried talking on the phone and withdrawing from the competition, and how she feels happy being able to stand on the same arena that she would have been standing on back then. “[…]I’m very happy to be standing here having recovered this part of myself that I’d lost, my ability to skate. Thank you for standing by me all this time and working hard alongside me. I will be returning as myself, a healthy self!”

The dangers that lurk in the mentality of athletes

Eating disorders are characterized by an excessive concern/pickiness toward body weight and food intake, and a person suffering from such an illness becomes unable to eat normally. These nervous disorders are generally classified as anorexia, which dramatically decreases one’s food intake and causes weight loss to the point of malnutrition, or bulimia, in which one continues to eat food in large quantities. In the case of bulimia, excessive eating will often be followed by throwing up, taking laxatives etc.  

It is thought to stem from a combination of psychological factors such as perfectionism or low self-esteem and external factors such as family environment, society’s preference for thinness. Research conducted by the Ministry of Health estimated the patients to be at around 25.000, but there are doubts as to its accuracy.

Rehabilitation offers important resources such as having someone to listen carefully to the words of the person suffering from the eating disorder as well as offer advice to their families and guidance regarding proper nutrition. But there are still few medical institutions specializing in diagnosis and treatment. There are federal or municipal institutions called “Centers for Rehabilitation and Support for Eating Disorders” in Miyagi, Chiba, Shizuoka, Fukuoka.

It’s becoming clear that athletes in particular are suffering from eating disorders. Whether in sports like figure skating and rhythm gymnastics, where the competition involves aesthetic appeal, or track-and-field sports, the need to control one’s weight is particularly demanding. Aside from Akiko Suzuki, other female skaters who have been open about suffering from these disorders include America’s Gracie Gold and Russia’s Yulia Lipnitskaya.

Research from overseas suggests the risk to kids who have this athletic mentality, with characteristics such as stoicism, perfectionism, having an inclination to please their mentors and coaches etc. are twice as vulnerable to eating disorders as people in general.

Mari Suzuki, a doctor from the Japanese Association for Eating Disorders (based in Tokyo), pointed out, “Puberty is when your body weight increases and your bones and muscles are developing. And there are still trainers who will advise them to lose weight.”

The association’s “Support Guidebook: Tackling Eating Disorders as a Team” lists warning signs in an athlete’s behavior, including having an excessive amount of rules about eating, planning an excessive amount of training, drastic weight changes, a life in disarray. They are encouraging people to seek expert advice. The Association offers a course directed at coaches and mentors of athletes about 4 times a year. They also offer free advice through their email address.

Source: https://digital.asahi.com/articles/SDI201806019805.html

#fstranslation #Akiko Suzuki #article #tw: ed #tw: eating disorder #trigger warning

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oceaneducation · 4 years

Photo

There are moments in life, that you have dreamt about for years. Doing a TEDx talk and becoming part of the inspiring global TED community was one of them. And then, as the saying goes, "Life is what happens, while you are busy making other plans".

Whilst I could prepare the message of the talk, I was unable to deliver it in the way I had pictured it. After I have agonized until today about whether I should share the experience and message or not, I decided to post about it anyway.

Although after several attempts I had to use my notes to deliver the talk, although neither mentally nor physically I was feeling at ease that day, I stand by my decision to go forward with the talk on that day and not cancel.

Despite the subpar performance, the message is much bigger than these 18 min, bigger than my personal failure, bigger than my individual limited lifetime. It`s about human community and how we can all come together to protect the ocean. Thank you dear TEDx UniMannheim team for inviting me on 10th October to "Perfectly Imperfect" and showing such understanding, compassion and support.

Thank you to the other speakers, who cheered me on that day, especially Gigi. And thank you to my brothers, who showered me with positive energy as always are also responsible for the best gift I have ever received - my spirit animal Totoro, who of course was also with me on the red carpet.

Here is the video, in case you want to watch it. Unfortunatly due to technical glitches the quality is not so good https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoeefnFIlN4 Below is the complete text of the talk. I hope I can bring the message across this way. #

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Who is allowed to save the ocean?

Good afternoon everyone,for the duration of the talk, I want you, dear audience, to imagine that you are the ocean:

You are vast, beautiful, strong.You are home to around 70% of all life on earth.You are mysterious - 91% of ocean species, your children, are unknown to humanity.You cover 71% of the Earth’s surface.You are the cradle of existence, life began in you, around 3 billion years ago.Thanks to YOU, all life on Earth can breathe and exist.

Oh what's that, you feel unwell? Climate change is making you warmer, rise up, acidic.Humans are polluting you with plastics, noise and chemicals.Your children, the plants and animals, are being captured, killed andencaged.

How can you be set free from these worries and problems?How can you feel secure and happy?So you need help, right?Who will rescue you?Aliens? Cats? Or maybe – Batman?Jokes aside.The pain you are suffering is caused by humans.So it would have to be one of them who decides to come to your rescue.So a human then.Who would you like to be saved by?How would they look?Does it even matter?Chances are, the only ones that will show up for your rescue, no matter what your answer is, are white humans, most likely men.

So you wonder, dear ocean, what happened to the rest?Weren't they motivated enough to help you?Let me explain to you, why they could not show up:When humans hear the word „human“, the first thing that comes to their minds is a white man, or a white person.White people are what is seen as the standard, the norm.Search Google for „marine conservationist“, and images of mostly white people pop up.Yet, Earth currently accommodates 7.8 billion people, of which nearly two-thirds live in Asia and 17% in Africa.

Biodiversity, which is linked to the health of ecosystems, is something that human conservationists focus on.But human diversity itself is missing.How can humans acknowledge the worth of other beings, if they fail to do so in each other?These “other” humans want to help you too, dear ocean, but it will take them longer to get to you.

Let's imagine, being able to protect you, is a prize at the end of a game.I know, don‘t blush, it is very flattering.When I was little, my family used to play a game called „snakes andladders“.It's a game where there are ladders that help you to advance faster, and snakes that slow you down.Whoever makes it to the end of the playing field, dear ocean, as weassume in this case, can contribute to your rescue.

The game stands for the ups and downs of my life:My quest to marine conservation, the struggles in terms of women's rights and racism, as an example for a Woman of Color.I also explore systemic obstacles Women of Color are more likely to face when they want to protect you.You will see, dear ocean, how everything is connected and why a large portion of humanity currently cannot come to your rescue.BTW, I love snakes, so please, dear snakes, don`t take it personally that you are playing the villain in this scenario.

My parents fled Sri Lanka in 1983 because of the Tamil genocide.The snake was already rearing its head.They ended up in a refugee camp in Germany.That is when I was born.And then later, my two brothers.In the picturesque village in Southern Germany we moved to and called home, our family didn't have the privilege to be treated as favorably as the only two other things that were named Black – the Black Forest and the Black Forest cake.

Although there were people who welcomed us warm heartedly, I will never forget being called the N- word for the first time, which was when I was still in kindergarten.My father did what he could do to make a living, working night shifts in a factory and my mother cleaned houses, and mostly stayed home.They knew, education was the only currency that could make a future for us children in a foreign country. So they told us to work extra hard.

Growing up in a very conservative family, as the eldest and onlydaughter of a Tamil household, I was constantly shifting between the outer German and the Tamil world.In the outer world, in school, I was the outsider.Being the only person of color at the whole school, until my brothers later joined me, some classmates made racist jokes within earshot.

At home, I realized that a Tamil girl is expected to behave very differently from a German girl:Whilst other teenagers talked about love, I was to sit still at functions where relatives came over to ask when I was ready for arranged marriage.It was at home where my fight for women's rights began – fighting for my own freedom.

Fast forward to university, in a bigger city.One day, I was out, waiting alone for the tram at night.Suddently, several Nazis started to throw beer bottles at me.They yelled: „Tomorrow the headline of the newspaper will read ‚A dead n- b- found cut up in a trash can‘“.I survived because I ran for my life.

Yes, dear ocean, that is scary.Recently I watched Lovecraft Country, a show that is a take on H.P.Lovecraft (a brillliant writer) and racism.The author, Misha Green, mentioned that „being an ‘other’ in this world, you’re walking around in a horror movie at all times, you’re always on the edge, wondering when the monster is going to jump out and get you.“This is exactly how I feel – the exhaustion of always having to fightagainst racism, it never stops.

In 2004, I enrolled at another university – the very university that has invited me to speak today, my alma mater, the University of Mannheim.Here, I heard about "Gender Studies" for the first time through a female professor, who became my mentor.About the same time, I joined a women's association.And it was here I learnt about the importance of who can and cannot ask questions in academia and politics- questions that then become the basis of what „we“ should „know“ about how the world works.The male gaze, who decides on what is important, while the rest of the world is willingly ignored.I became aware of how I was part of the fate that millions of girls and women face.

These women, in academia and the political sphere, were the ones who helped me climb the long ladder of knowledge and consciousness in the fields of gender and racism.Of course the snakes were around:E.g. I struggled to make ends meet, had to take up student loans and juggle several jobs.Once I explained to a political science professor that I was unable to participate in group work every evening of the week because I had to work, he replied: „You should not study if you can't afford it.“

So, dear ocean, where exactly do you come in? Why is all this woman's rights and racism talk important to your survival?

It was in 2008, in a little town in Peru.Back then I was volunteering for a women’s rights NGO in Lima.The towns income was based mostly on small- scale fisheries.You know, where humans go out in little boats to fish mostly for their own sustenanceI noticed a local woman with bruises on her arms.She opened up and told me about the domestic abuse that was affecting her and other women, for the men of the town could not catch enough fish to provide the livelihood of the families anymore.Something that, as I learned later, happens all around the world.So, you see, dear ocean, how because the men didn‘t catch enough fish, the women suffered.

I understood that it would make more sense for me to find out more about you, before continuing my path.I started to reach out and talk to humans who work in marineconservation.I was lucky enough to find people who helped me to learn more about you.Other questions arose:Do I have to study marine biology to protect you?Do you care if you are saved by a scientist or by a non- scientist?Can you afford to turn someone away who comes to your rescue?

I grew tired of seeing you, the ocean, as a place that was solely there to supply us humans with resources.Then the best thing ever happened:I read about Marine Protected Areas.

Yes, I know, you are getting all excited about them.They are a place of rest and happiness, a safe haven for the fauna and flora that you created.But, the more I learned, the more I got concerned:Unfortunately a lot of Marine Protected Areas are mere “paper parks”, snakes in disguise for you, dear ocean, as they only offer protection on paper.

I needed to find out more and really connect with you, dear ocean.So, with the help of skilled and understanding teachers, who happen to be Men of Color, I learned even more:First, how to swim, at the age of 33 - a skill many people living on your shores, especially People of Color, don`t have.Shortly after how to dive.

From November 2017 to October 2018, I undertook the first ever world trip to Marine Protected Areas, to see for myself how the situation was.The focus was on the Caribbean, one of your most beautiful partsIt was during the trip that the „snakes“ got me in the most unexpected moments:

While participating in a sailing course before the trip, I was ignored because I was the only one in the course who could not just hop on their family boat for the weekend to practise.With the hope of a more inclusive experience, I went sailing with a crew, with the sad outcome of being bullied by a fellow crew member because of the color of my skin.While diving in Australia, a dive Instructor mentioned, I didn't have to worry about being assaulted, because I looked like an Aborigine.Another dive instructor did a racist greeting while walking by, as if it were the most normal thing to do.

As you know, dear ocean, swimming, diving, sailing, all these skills are key to get in touch with you and do the actual work in the field. During the trip, other “snakes” became visible:

Institutions, where white staff were in charge, not giving locals the knowledge nor the power to operate on their own– a kind of white savior complex.After the trip, I learnt that Women of Color are more likely to experience e.g. microaggressions, disrespect, misogyny and white fragility – in marine conservation and life in general.Gatekeepers, who decide who is worthy of a fellowship, job etc. areeverywhere.Often, Women of Color are the first ones and the only ones in their families pursuing a career in marine conservation, sometimes a career in general.A mentor can be a „ladder“ and is very helpful to overcome the hurdles, the „snakes“.

Even if someone from a minority gets access to university, can that human afford the unpaid internships and volunteer opportunities?Free labour is a huge issue.Environmental jobs are advertised and accepted through established networks.When back in Germany, I sat down with a coach to prepare for a job interview.She opened the NGO website: „You don't stand a chance to get the job. Look, all the superiors hired someone who looks like their younger self.“

So, imagine, a human from a minority gets hired – congratulations, you would say dear ocean. Or not?It depends on which position the human ends up in, how much influence and power they have: Are they glorified interns, part of the senior staff, member of the board?Studies show that the higher in the hierarchy, the lower the diversity is.Sadly, some People of Color are hired merely as tokens of diversity, to make the institution look inclusive.

How about the working conditions?How about the salary?Is it the same salary someone gets, who is not a minority and has the same qualifications?Generally, the salaries in conservation are low.Yes, some humans claim that it is „working in the conservation field is rewarding enough to justify the sacrifice“.Again, a privilege not everyone has access to. Why? Because of "black" or "brown tax“:This means, dear ocean, the money that professionals of color are expected to give to support their families.It causes financial distress to middle class professionals as they usually have no savings left.It is a financial burden on households of color and can rob a person of the ability to attain financial security.

How about the relationship with the non- minority people at work?Imagine, ocean, there is something called „racial gaslighting“:When humans who have never experienced racism, tell the ones that do and share their feelings, that they are exaggerating, making them doubt themselves.Imagine the mental strain of minorities, who carry this burden.

So, you see, humans who are against diversity, are not only hurting other humans, but they are also hurting you.It seems as if human society does not want a lot of people to protect you.

Looking at our game of snakes and ladders, all humans in marineconservation are on their way to the “win”, to help you.But in reality some get a headstart while minorities lag behind.

I am a marine conservationist.I am part of an industry that does not look like me.Not only am I a woman, I am a Woman of Color.I represent two significantly underrepresented groups.Representation matters:Through creating a diverse, equitable and inclusive workforce in Marine Conservation, young people from underrepresented groups are empowered and enthused to make you, the ocean, feel secure and happy.

I hope through sharing my story of resilience, you can understand what numerous humans have to go through if they want to help you.

Dear ocean, I invite you look into the future with me:I see a world, in which there are more ladders than snakes.I see a world where all humans care for your wellbeing.I see a world in which marine conservation is a welcoming field.I see a world in which all humans are allowed to save you, the ocean.

#TEDX TED TEDXMannheim OceanEducation MPAs

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