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wtnrscap · 4 years

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Never Enough

Pairings- Steve Rogers x Reader, slight Bucky Barnes x Reader towards the end, platonic Tony Stark x Reader, platonic Natasha Romanoff x Reader.

Summary- Steve Rogers has been forced to adjust to 21st-century life. Y/N has been by his side every step of the way. But in recent weeks, it feels as though she’s living in the shadow of a certain British Agent. She realises she’s fighting a losing battle. A choice will have to be made. But it isn’t up to her. It has, and always will be, the Captain’s choice.

Warnings- Winter Soldier, Civil War, Infinity War, Endgame references. Mentions of previous sexy times, brief smut and fluff. Swearing and angst.

A/N- Italics are the past. Bold is lyrics. Inspired by ‘Never Enough’ by Loren Allred from The Greatest Showman. I’ve always wondered how a lover of Steve would deal with him still being in love with Peggy, how that would affect their relationship and what would happen to them in Endgame. I wanna explore that, so feeling like this is gonna be quite long. I won’t even hint at the ending.

I am gonna say that while writing this, I am crying. Like, ugly crying. Steve and Bucky’s goodbye is so freaking emotional. Okay, I’m okay. Enjoy!

Word Count- 3.2K

Masterlist

The sunlight filtered through the silent room, highlighting her tears. Today was the day. Today was the day that Steve Rogers had to make the biggest choice of his life.

“Steve!”

The scream echoed around the battleground and the blonde turned his head, unclipping his helmet, his heart pounding painfully.

A woman stood a few metres away, her face dirted, her Y/E/C eyes wide as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

For a few moments, the pair stared at each other. Steve’s helmet clattered to the ground and she was running, her hair flying out behind her before she jumped, her legs wrapping around his waist, his hands in her hair and their lips joined in a passionate embrace. When she finally pulled back, she giggled, allowing herself to get lost in his blue eyes. Steve nuzzled into her neck, panting slightly, “You’re okay... You’re back... We’re okay... We’re going to be okay...”

Y/N wiped the tears and took a deep, shaky breath. Since their reunion, Steve had told her absolutely everything.

The aftermath of the snap, Thanos destroying the stones, Thor killing Thanos, 5 years, Scott’s return, time travel, time heist, the new snap and, finally, the moments leading up to the final battle.

She’d figured it out in seconds. He didn’t need to say it.

Y/N sighed, standing and walking over to the window where she could see Steve talking to Bruce as they set up the time machine. In the morning light, Steve looked beautiful, his blond hair smoothed over and a mug between his lips. Y/N wondered if he’d always been this beautiful...

“Captain Rogers? Are you here?” Y/N dropped her keys into the bowl by Steve’s front door and walked into the living room to a strange sight. Pillows and duvets were bunched in a mess on the floor and the mound was moving slightly. Y/N moved forwards slowly, “Captain Rogers...?”

“How many more times? Call me Steve!” Steve’s head popped up through the blankets, his blonde hair messed up and blue eyes wide with mock anger. She almost had to coo at cute he looked.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Steve stood up and brushed off his trousers, “I found a list that had 100 things you have to do before you get too old and I’m working my way through it. Pillow fort was one of them.”

“I hate to break it to you Captain, but I think you’re a bit too old...” Y/N giggled. Steve pouted, “What will it take for you to call me Steve? Now help me! I feel like you’re better at this than me!”

“As your tutor, trying to get you to experience things you’ve missed out on, I will help you. Not because I’m a big kid,” she shrugged out of coat and picked up some pillows. Steve frowns, “It’s not that I’ve never made a pillow fort... It’s just I can’t remember how to. And need new memories, I’ve decided, fresh, happy memories.”

“Well, Steve, I’ll be perfectly happy to help you make new memories.”

Steve blushed slightly as he realised she hadn’t called him Captain and picked up a pillow, “Pillow fight!”

Y/N felt a hand rest on her shoulder and jumped when she saw Bucky standing behind her, “Are you okay?”

She nodded her head, “Yeah, I think so... Do you know?”

“Do I know what?”

“What Steve’s planning. As his best friend, have you figured it out?”

Bucky brushed a strand of hair out of his face and refused to look at her in the eyes, “I... I have an inkling of what he’s about to do...”

Y/N sighed and turned away from the window, another tear trickling down her face, “I was never enough...”

“What?”

“You know, it was you who brought us together. I’d been helping Steve to fit into the 21st century and I liked him, but on Nick Fury’s orders, I couldn’t... be with him. That day, back in 2014, when you saved his life... I realised I couldn’t lose him without him knowing how I felt...”

Bucky smiled weakly, “Glad to be of assistance, doll.”

“Is he okay?” Y/N pushed past Sam, forcing her way into Steve’s hospital room to see his smirking face. Without thinking, she dived onto him, making him gasp in pain, “Careful, careful! Y/N it’s good to see you too!”

A punch to his arm made him gasp again, “What was that for?”

“You’re an idiot Steve Rogers. When I saw you fall... My heart was in my mouth, I was so scared!”

“I’m sorry for scaring you... But I’m okay... I promise...”

“How did you survive? You should have drowned!”

“I don’t know... Steve suddenly looked thoughtful and Y/N grabbed his wrist tightly forcing him to look her eyes, “What?”

“Fuck Nick Fury and his stupid rules!” Y/N pressed her lips to Steve’s and his eyes widened before he kissed her back. When he pulled back, he was blushing, “What was that?”

“You almost died Steve! I can’t lose you... I just can’t... I love you...”

Steve flushes, “I love you too... I can’t believe that I’m asking you after everything we’ve... Be mine!”

“Yes, Steve! Thousand times yes!”

The air by lake seems clearer, and Y/N takes a deep breath, savouring her last sane moments. She knows she should spend them with him, but right now she can’t even look at him without a dull pain shooting through her heart. The last 24 hours have helped her to see every beautiful second with Steve, but at the same time, she has seen every flaw and every fight.

Steve gasped, rolling of Y/N and wiping a sheen of sweat of his forehead, “That was... amazing!”

Y/N nodded her head and pulled the duvet up to her chin, “It was certainly something else.”

Steve turned his head, his brows furrowing, “It wasn’t good for you? I love you, I tried to show you how much I-”

“Best sex I’ve ever had, Stevie...” she interrupted, standing up. Steve grabs her wrist, “Where are you going?”

“I’ve worked up an appetite after that.”

(20 minutes later)

Natasha sipped at her coffee, “Clearly Steve can please you. Has he got the golden dick?”

Y/N laughed bitterly, “Gave me an orgasm and that’s all I can say about it.”

“That bad?”

Unshed tears fill Y/N’s eyes and Natasha frowned, wrapping her arms around her, “What’s wrong? Tell me.”

“I love him, Tasha, so much, so goddamn much but I’m not enough! These hands could hold the world and it’ll never be enough!”

“What do you mean?”

“As he finished inside me, he called me Peggy! Every time we’re alone, he talks about how amazing Peggy is, how much he loved her, how much he misses her. I can’t compete!” she wept and Natasha’s gripped tightened on Y/N’s shoulder. Standing quickly, Natasha left the room, her eyes narrowed in a death stare.

Y/N almost had to laugh at how wrong things went after that. She had supported him at Peggy’s funeral, and then fought with him in Germany. Things came to a head in the Quinjet, on the way to Siberia.

“I KNOW YOU’RE STRUGGLING STEVE, I KNOW IT’S HARD FOR YOU BUT LOOK AT ME! I’M IN FRONT OF YOU! I’M RIGHT HERE! PEGGY’S DEAD! SHE’S GONE!” Y/N screamed, her emotions getting the better of her. The Quinjet was on autopilot and Bucky was trying his best to pretend he couldn’t hear the argument.

“SHE WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, Y/N! YOU NEED TO RESPECT THAT!” Steve yelled back. Y/N rolled her eyes, “I HAVE RESPECTED THAT SINCE YOU WERE PULLED OUT OF THE ICE! BUT I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND! OR AM I JUST A TOY, ON THE SIDE TILL YOU FIND A WAY BACK TO HER?”

“I-”

“I don’t wanna break up with you Stevie...” Y/N lowered her voice, “And I don’t think you wanna break up with me. This stuff with Bucky is important, and with you fighting Tony, we’re going to need each other more than ever. What’s happening now, with the Avengers, is the end. This is the end of the Avengers.”

Steve paled and pulled Y/N close, kissing her temple, “I’m sorry.”

“Me too...”

“It’s not your fault. It was never your fault. He was and always has been blinded. I wanted to slap him sometimes...”

Y/N turns her head and sees Tony and Natasha, staring back her. They look younger and happier. Natasha reaches out her hand and Y/N tries to take it, but her hand goes through Natasha’s. Tears spill down her cheeks, “I need you, Tasha. I need you, Tony... I can’t do this on my own.”

“You don’t really have a choice in the matter. We’re gone, dead, and soon... Capiscle will be too,” Tony responds with a sad smile, “But we’re here to tell you that we may be gone... but we’re in your heart. You are not alone.”

“I am so alone...”

“No. You were not alone on Titan, I was with you, and I was with you when you came back...” Tony took a step forward. Natasha scrunched up her eyes, “I’ve been with you since 2012. I have given you advice, gossiped with you and now I’m here, reminding you that I’m not gone...”

“Thank you, both of you... Tasha, for being the best friend any girl could ask for, and Tony for always looking out for me. I was so scared on Titan. Natasha, I wished we could have said goodbye to each other...”

“This is goodbye.”

“Tony... “

“I heard you... as I was dying... I heard your words. I died unafraid.”

Tony and Natasha take a step back, “Don’t forget us, Y/N. We love you...”

“I love you too. I love you so much...”

“Tony...? Tony, what’s happening?” Y/N stumbled into Tony’s arm as the man weeps for Peter. He caught her and she fell to the ground, her mouth whispering, “Tell Steve... Tell him I’m sorry... He’ll understand...”

“Where is he? Why weren’t you with him?” asked Tony desperately. Tears filled Y/N’s beautiful eyes, “We argued... We were on a break... I can’t tell you where he is because I don’t know. The last time I saw him... I tried to get away, so far away and ended up in New York... I’m scared Tony...”

“I know... I’m right here... don’t let go of my hand...”

“Why did you forgive me? For what happened in Germany?”

“Thanos is a too bigger threat for silly fights.”

“They were your parents...” Y/N’s eyes began to dull, her skin flaking away. Tony gulped, “They’re were my past, you are my future...”

“Not much future here... Tell... Tell Steve... Tell Steve I love him...” Y/N turned her head to the side, her skin disappearing, gone from Tony’s hands as he whispered, “He knows...”

(1 Month Later)

“Tony... I need you to focus...” Steve addressed Tony carefully. Tony snapped his head around to look at Steve, “And I needed you, as in past tense. That trumps what you need. It’s too late, buddy! You know what I need?”

Tony turned around to face everybody, “I need a shave and a burger, not a bowl of soup. And I believe I remember telling all of you, alive and otherwise, that we needed a suit of armour around the world, whether it impacted our precious freedoms or not-”

“But that didn’t work out, did it?!” snapped Steve angrily. Tony jabbed a finger in Steve’s chest, “I said we’d lose, you said we’d ‘do that together, too.’ Guess what, Cap, we lost, and you weren’t there. But that’s what we do, right? Our best work after the fact? We’re the ‘Avengers’, not the ‘Pre-vengers’-”

“Take it easy, Tony...” Rhodey muttered. Tony ignored him, “I’ve got nothing for ya, Cap. No coordinates, no clues, no strategies, no options. Zero, zip, nada. No trust,” Tony ripped the RT from his chest and pushed it into Steve’s hand, “Here. Take this. You find him, you put this on, and hide...”

Weakly, Tony dropped to his knees, “I’m fine! Cap... When I say I have nothing, I mean it... You haven’t even asked about her and you know I was with her. She was right about you. You don’t love her in the way she loves you. She was never enough for you.”

Steve’s hands slipped and he stared at Tony hard, “Don’t talk to me like you understand what was going on.”

“She told me everything. As she dusted away, she said you were taking a break. I know she always felt like she was living in Peggy’s shadow. And she was right. Wanna know her last words?”

Steve was walking away but stopped in his tracks. Tony smirked, “I thought so. Her last words were this, exactly, ‘Tell Steve I love him’. I said he knows. But I don’t think you do.”

Steve stormed out of the room, the distant sound of smashing floating into the room.

“Y/N? It’s time...” Bucky’s voice sounded in her ear and a wave of nausea swept over her.

The time machine had been set up and Steve was talking to Bruce. Sam approached Steve, “You look a little nervous going by yourself. Ask nicely, I’ll go with you.”

“You’re a good man, Sam. But this one’s on me.”

With a small nod, Bucky leaves Y/N’s side and smiles sadly at Steve. Steve doesn’t break eye contact with him, “Don’t do anything stupid ‘til I get back, okay?”

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you...” mutters Bucky. Steve grins and Bucky pulls him into a long, sorrowful hug, “Gonna miss you, buddy...”

“It’s going to be okay, Bucky...” replies Steve, trying to sound confident.

Y/N’s eyes hadn’t left the ground. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think straight. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t-

“Y/N? Look at me, please. I don’t wanna leave like this.”

She didn’t look at him, “You should just go. Make it easier for both of us. I know your choice and I know what you’ve chosen.”

Steve shakes his head and places his finger under her chin, forcing her to look up, “You don’t know because I don’t know. I still haven’t made my mind up.”

“Yes, you have.”

“Last night-”

“Last night was the worst sex we’ve ever had. I’m telling you, Steve Rogers, you’ve made your mind up. And as much as I hate it, you deserve to be with someone who can make you happy. That person is not me.”

A hand cups her cheek, “You’ve made me so happy. You’ve spent 10 years thinking you weren’t enough, and you were. You were more than enough. You were too much for me. I didn’t deserve you.”

“Steve, please... Please... Just go...” begs Y/N, her eyes watering again. Steve leans forward, pressing a bittersweet kiss to her mouth. It’s hot and cold, black and white. It’s goodbye.

When she pulls away, Steve’s heart breaks a little more. It’s goodbye.

Sam turns to Bruce, “How long’s this gonna take?”

“For him, as long as he needs. For us, five seconds. Ready, Cap? You’re good to go. Meet you right back here, okay?”

You bet!” Steve calls back, glancing at Bucky, then at Y/N, who’s walking away. Steve’s heart breaks a little more and looks at Bucky again, mouthing, “Look after her...”

Bucky nods his head.

“Going Quantum in three, two, one.”

Steve disappears and Bruce’s voice rings out to where Y/N is now standing stock still, “Aaand, returning in five... four... three... two... one-”

Silence. Nothing happens.

Y/N pales as panic erupts.

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know! He blew past our timestamp. He should be here.”

“Get him back!”

“I’m trying!”

“GET HIM THE HELL BACK-”

“I’M TRYING!!”

Y/N’s knees buckle and she lands in the mud, crawling into a fetal position as the truth hits her. Bucky’s voice calls out, “Y/N!”

He’s with her seconds as she cries into the ground, his arms around her tightly as he picks her up bridal style. She wriggles into her chest as Sam’s hushed voice echoes around the lake, “What the hell?”

Both Bucky and Y/N look up to see Sam holding Steve’s shield, “It was just left here. With this note.”

“Read it!” cries Bucky. Sam gulps, “’ Sam. Right now, you’re probably feeling a little confused. I knew I had a choice when I went back. I could stay in the past with Peggy or come back. If I stayed with Peggy, there’d be no Captain America in the future. So this is for you. A brilliant man once told me that I must remain a good man and not a perfect soldier. You are a good man. I know you will always try your best, which is why it’s going to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to give you it in person, but I still have important choices to make. I wish you, and Bucky, and Y/N the very best. And who knows, maybe one day, we will meet again. Because it’s been a long, long time.’“

Sam looks up in awe and Bucky smiles, “Good on you Birdbrain. Now I have to help Y/N clean up.”

Sam nods his head as Bucky walks away, Y/N in his arms. He knows the world is changing, and with Steve gone, it’s up to him, and Sam, and Y/N. The world still needs protecting. But first, they have to heal. They have to rest.

I wanted to leave this ending open to specualtion as to what Steve does. However, I have written an ending for those who want some closure.

- Bonus Scene -

He peers out from behind the trees and watches as Bucky carries Y/N away. He doesn’t know why he didn’t reveal himself but he knows he’s made the right decision with Sam. He thinks he made the right choice coming back.

One look at Peggy and Steve realises he made a massive mistake. All those years making Y/N feel worthless because he was still in love with Peggy and now he doesn’t want her. He just wants Y/N.

He’d written the note before he left the 40s and then accidentally blew past the time stamp. To top things off, he missed the landing point. Fallen into some mud behind a tree and barely had time to dump the shield and note in a place where Sam would find it.

When he saw Y/N on the floor, seemingly having a panic attack, his heart had shattered. He’d almost ran out to her, but Bucky got there first. Then he felt rooted to the spot. What if Bucky could offer more than he could? What if Bucky was better than him?

He’d spent years making Y/N feel like she was never enough and now fear crept in. What if she didn’t want him?

Steve realised he had to hide, and see if Y/N liked Bucky better. If she did...

He’d leave. Not to the past, or the future. But somewhere desolate. Somewhere quiet and alone.

Alone.

Y/N had always said she was born alone and she’d die alone.

But she was never alone.

Steve had been born with someone and had always assumed he die with someone.

For the first time ever, he was alone. He had nothing. Absolutely nothing.

For the first time ever, Steve was genuinely terrified.

He had nowhere to go.

Tony was right. They’d lost. He’d lost. And he’d had to lose it on his own.

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teacoffeeandwhatnot · 6 years

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The Gay Agenda - Chapter 5

Look at me, actually uploading when I said I would oml! Chapter 5 is here, and its Jren.

Please keep in mind, sentences written in Italic is what is being said by the panel, or people in the studio. Normal text is what is happening otherwise.

As always, also available on my Ao3!

(if you want me to tag you every time i update, please dont hesitate to message me and I’ll add it in the next chapter)

“Our next contestant is Choi M-“

“Holy shit, is that Minki?!” Jeonghan interrupts Holland, jumping out of his seat to get a better look at the screen in front of them.

“Uhh, yes, do you know him?” Holland questions.

“Yeah, shit, he’s my cousin. I don’t know why I didn’t think of him for this show, he’s like a lover of all things gay. Also, he already works here so it’s perfect.”

“Well then, I guess I can save myself the introduction,” Holland laughs. “Do you happen to know what his type is?”

“Oh yeah, for sure. He’s into like super nerdy guys which is kind of ironic because, even though he works in the freaking comic book store, he could not be less interested in them.”

“Ah, well then it should be easy to find someone that’s his type then, I guess. Let’s see how he gets on.”

He knows he should really be spending his money on better things as a 23-year-old, but Jonghyun can’t help himself, so he finds himself on the bus for his weekly visit to the comic book store. It also has nothing to do with the pretty shop clerk whom he has successfully avoided talking to for weeks now, nope. Nothing at all. He totally doesn’t spend half his time there staring at him, and not the comic books. Definitely not.

Ever since the new guy has started working there, his visits to the store have become significantly more nerve wracking and he finds his hands sweating a worrying amount every time he pushes the door open. He really needs to get his shit together.

He walks straight to the Haikyu section, deliberately not looking towards the counter, where he knows the beautiful boy is. He knows his name is Minki, having glanced at his name tag out of the corner of his eye last time, when he had been busy ringing up another costumer.

Even though he only glanced in his direction for about half a second through the glass door before entering, he is still hyperaware of Minki, slouching over the counter, looking bored out his mind, sucking on a goddamn lollipop. He also belatedly realizes that Minki seems to be the only employee here, which means that, if he wants to buy something, he will inevitably have to talk to him. Which is generally a good thing, forcing him to finally have a conversation, but he’s also scared shitless. He knows he gets all stuttery and awkward when faced with pretty people he may or may not have a small (massive) crush on, so there is probably a high chance he’s going to embarrass himself. For a second he considers just not buying anything and high tailing it out of the store, before he realizes how stupid that is. He gives himself a short mental pep-talk before finally deciding to get his shit together, picks up the book he wants and makes his way towards the counter. Previously he had always waited, sometimes agonisingly long, until Minki was busy or went on break and his co-worker took over, before he went to the counter, as to avoid the situation he was in now.

He placed his book on the counter, finally managed to look up and made direct eye contact with Minki for the first time. He was frozen for a minute, lost in the man’s eyes before he was shaken out of his stupor.

“Only this then?” Minki asked.

“Uh, y-yeah.” Jonghyun mentally cursed at himself for the little stutter and cleared his throat. “Just this one today,” he managed, trying to sound a little more confident and not like his legs were about to give in any second.

“So have you finally decided to stop avoiding me then?” Jonghyun’s head snapped up from where he lowered it again, staring at Minki with a panicked expression, who was smirking at him with a knowing smile.

“What? I was not- I’m not- I didn’t…,” he stuttered, trying to come up with a reasonable explanation.

“Dude, literally every time you’re here you stare holes into the side of my head but you never come up to the counter when I’m here and always wait till Minhyun is at the counter or I’m busy. I feel a little bit offended to be honest, what do you have against me? I don’t bite.”

Minki says all of this with a smirk on his face, so Jonghyun knows he isn’t mad, (and mortifyingly probably knows why Jonghyun was staring) but he can’t help but feel faint.

“I wasn’t staring at you.” Minki cocks his head, giving him a ‘you’ve got to be shitting me’ expression. “I just admire those posters behind the counter.”

“Sure you do, my dude, sure you do.” Jonghyun doesn’t think his face will ever return to its natural colour, destined to stay permanently crimson at this point. He realizes that Minki is almost done ringing up his book and with that his time actually talking to him will be over soon. Scrambling to keep the conversation going, he asks, “Uh, so I’ve been looking for a new series, preferably something similar to Haikyu, so like sports and rivalries, etc. do you have any recommendations?”

Minki shrugs, “No idea, dude, I’ve never read a manga in my life. I can ask my colleague though and let you know?”

Jonghyun belatedly realizes his mouth is hanging open in shock and quickly closes it.

“What do you mean you’ve never read one, you work in a comic book store?”

“Yeah, because my cousin, whether he admits it or not, is a sucker who would do anything for me, and he knows the owner so he got me the job. I’m a broke college student, I take what I can get. ”

“Fucking brat,” Jeonghan mumbles under his breath.

Up until this point, Jonghyun had been convinced that Minki was perfect and most definitely the love of his life, but this could not be overlooked. This was a major character flaw that needed to be corrected immediately.

“Ok, but like that’s unacceptable. I’m sorry, but you have no choice, you have to be educated. I will sacrifice my precious time and be your teacher, out of the goodness of my heart.”

(Minki honestly couldn’t believe that it could’ve gone any better. Whether he knew it or not, the cute customer had done his whole job for him, and he didn’t even need to come up with some bullshit excuse to spend more time with him. He was going to win, for sure.)

“I’ll let you educate me under two conditions.”

“Ok? And those would be?”

“One, we go find a café and have a drink while you tell me all about your little… books.”

Jonghyun made a face. For one at the comment about his ‘little books’ and secondly out of confusion. Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to educate Minki in the comic book store, so he could provide examples?

“Uh sure I guess, I mean here would be better, but if you want. And the second one?”

“You have to tell me your name,” Minki grinned. “So far I’ve only been calling you Onibugi in my head.”

Once again, Jonghyun felt his face heat up. Minki had been calling him a nickname in his head? For how long? Did this mean that he would also think about him? This was lowkey too much information for him to handle all at once.

“O-onibugi? Why?”

“Cuz you kinda look like one, don’t you think?” Minki squished his cheek and Jonghyun was ready to die then and there.

They decided to go to a little ice cream parlour on the second floor of the mall, since Minki said he was craving a milkshake, and who was Jonghyun to deny him. The entire 3 minute walk there, Jonghyun could help but sneak glances at Minki’s side profile. His long hair swished gracefully back and forth as he was walking and Jonghyun really had to fight every nerve in his body to not give into his urge to run his fingers through it and see how soft it really was. The first time Jonghyun had seen Minki, he had thought that he was a girl, quickly proven wrong when Minki had called out to his co-worker in a voice too deep for a girl and called him hyung. Now, Jonghyun had never really thought about his sexuality in depth, so he probably would’ve fallen in love with Minki no matter if he was a girl or a boy, but he was kind of relieved that Minki had been a boy, since in his opinion, girls are even more terrifying to talk to than guys. Or so he had thought. Minki seemed intimidating no matter what, hence the long time it took him to start talking to him.

Arriving at the café, they quickly found a small table for two in the corner and scanned the menu.

“You want to share a milkshake?” Minki asked.

Considering Jonghyun could barely get through a conversation with him, he doubted he would survive sharing a drink with the other.

“Uh, no, I’m good, you get your own drink. I’ll pay.”

“Aww Jonghyunnie, that’s not what I meant, but thanks! So generous.”

The obvious flirting that Minki sends his way completely flying over his head, Jonghyun launches into a speech about Haikyu as soon as they get their drinks.

“Ok so, I don’t know where to begin. Let me just tell you the plot first, I think that’ll help you understand how awesome it is. So basically it’s about this guy who joins the volleyball team of this formerly prestigious high school and he’s like obsessed with this other player who is like the star player of this team and was basically like a jump god for them, so he trains all the time to try and become like him. He ends up…” Jonghyun trails off when he looks up and realizes that Minki doesn’t seem to be listening to him at all, but is rather just staring at his mouth. Self-consciously he rubs over his lips, thinking he might’ve gotten some of his milkshake somewhere on his face.

“Minki, are you even listening to me?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, sure I am.”

Jonghyun isn’t completely convinced, but continues trying to convince Minki that comics are the best thing in this world and that he is missing out.

“Ok well he ends up clashing really hard with this setter – how much do you know about volleyball by the way? Actually it doesn’t really matter – so anyways he clashes with this setter is also like a really good player so everyone calls him king, but he’s more like a tyrant, I guess? And yeah –“ Suddenly, there are lips on his. He was so engrossed in his speech he hadn’t realized that Minki had gotten closer, lifted his chin up and just planted one on him.

It was over way too quickly, Jonghyun hadn’t even closed his eyes and he just ended up stupidly blinking at Minki when he pulled back, with his mouth slightly open.

All of a sudden, all the pieces in his head seem to align. Holy shit, Minki had been flirting with him this entire time.

“Holy shit, you were flirting with me this entire time.”

Minki let out a loud laugh. “I’m glad you finally caught on, I thought I couldn’t make it more obvious. I mean I flat out told you I have zero interest in comics and yet I still listened to you ramble for like an hour. I felt like I had to help you along a little bit.”

Jonghyun scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “Yeah sorry, I get really into it when I talk about comics… also like… you’re beautiful? I thought you’d never go for someone like me. I mean, you could have anyone.”

“Not go for someone like you? What, you mean a cute, nerdy, hot guy with a deep voice? How the fuck could I not go for you?”

Before he could blush and stutter some more, Minki leaned in again and this time Jonghyun was prepared. He managed to close his eyes, kiss back and even cup the side of Minki’s face. He couldn’t believe that this was happened and inwardly cursed at himself for not talking to the cute clerk earlier.

Later, when they’re walking back to the comic book store hand in hand, Minki’s phone goes off.

“Oh hey Jeonghan, how are you?” “My cousin,” he mouths in Jonghyun’s direction.

“Sooooooooooooooo?”

“So, what, Jeonghan?”

“Soooo does it live up to all your day dreams and on a scale of 1-10, how good of a kisser is Jonghyun?”

“WAIT, WHAT? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?”

Pt. 4

#bts #suju #shinee #wanna one #stray kids #seventeen #nct #exo #nuest #got7 #monsta x #history #day6 #teacoffeeandwhatnot #the gay agenda au

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wtfholland · 7 years

Text

late night talks with tom☽

a/n: i discovered this band called cigarettes after sex about a year and a half ago and fell in love. honestly, their music is the most calming, mellow, and relaxing stuff i’ve ever heard. i found this playlist that has their music with a couple other songs from different artists, who are just as amazing♥ this also turned out to be a lot longer than i anticipated but OH WELL ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

masterlist♡

request♡

[for dialogue, italic is for y/n and bold is for tom]

listen to this while reading♫

i think we can all agree that everyone gets really honest when they have late night talks

in my opinion, i think it’s one of the most special things you can do with someone

you're laying in your bed, staring up at your ceiling

it’s late and both of your parents are already sleeping

there is nothing that sparked your interest on netflix and you’ve already finished the book that you’ve been reading that week

none of your friends were awake

...except for one

your room is dark except for the beautiful glimmer coming from the fairy lights you have hanging on your headboard

your room is also quiet except for the soft music coming from your laptop (*nudge, nudge* the playlist i linked lel)

the one constant thing that kept grazing your thoughts was tom

his sparkling eyes, enchanting laugh, beautiful smile, fluffy hair and just...everything

just the thought of him made your heart swell and practically beat out of your chest

you’ve considered texting him but you knew he was constantly busy and needed rest after getting back from filming

but your panties got into an extreme bunch so you gave into your hearts demands

a couple seconds after this text, your phone starts buzzing

you waited a couple seconds before answering because you didn’t want to seem desperate (literally fucking me in real life)

“hello?”

“‘ello love.”

“oh, my god! is this the real tom holland? calling me? i am...honoured.”

you hear him laugh softly on the other end and you melt

“oh, shut up. you’re the only super star here, y/n. how are you doing? why couldn’t you sleep?”

“oh, you know, i just couldn’t stop thinking about you. how in love i am with you, how sexually frustrated i am with you AND also how bloody cold it happens to be in my goddamn house” you think

“ehrm, i’ve just been...thinking about a bunch of stuff all day and laying down just kind of made me think about these things even more.”

“really? enlighten me. i’ve been in the same predicament myself for the past few nights.”

you end up bullshitting and telling tom how you have feelings for this one guys who you “work with” but how you’re too chicken shit to make a move or even drop hints that you’re interested

you keep trying to change subject. for a while, you're having a very serious conversation about how insignificant you feel because compared to the rest of the world (actually, the universe) you’re two specs of dust

*as a bonus, watch this and be mind blown*

“right?! like, honestly, i know that harry probably thinks we’re bat shit crazy and just being childish but, there is no way that we are the only forms of life. i’m calling it right now, there are aliens out there.”

“no kidding. when they come to earth, they’ll probably probe harry.”

you both start laughing. tom’s laugh was one of the most beautiful sounds you’ve ever heard. it sounded better than your favorite song

“so, uh...does your...man of interest believe in aliens?”

“uh, yeah, he actually does! isn’t that awesome?”

“huh, okay then.”

...

“whatta fuckin’ loser.” tom whispers

you’re actually dying on the inside. he’s so...ugh

tom quickly changes the entire mood of the conversation

he starts talking about a fake girl, trying to make you jealous

“hm well, i don’t think i told you yet but there is this one really fit girl who i met not too long ago.”

you immediately feel your stomach drop and your heart shrink

“uh, that’s good...i guess. what’s her name?”

“uh...tracy...lancaster.”

“oh...cool.”

“yeah, she goes to my gym.”

shit. FUCK.

in addition, you felt your self esteem crumble because you don’t go to the gym

“there’s no way he’d like me. i knew it. i’m stupid for ever thinking that he could be hiding the fact that he has feelings for me. who am i kidding? he’ll only ever be interested in models or girls who are drop dead gorgeous. not...someone like me.” you thought

you couldn’t be anymore WRONG

spoiler alert: he likes you

he loves you actually, but he’s just as big of a wuss as you are to admit his feelings, in fear that he’ll fuck up your friendship

“so...what does tracy look like?”

“she’s...blonde. and, uh...nice looking...stuff. y’know...the works.”

this bOY

okay, moving on

tom continues to push you to talk about your crush

but you’re ready to crank this thing up a notch AND DESTROY HIS INTEREST IN “TRACY” AHHH (sorry)

so you try to make him jealous now, without knowing that he was already initially jealous

“he just...he treats me extremely well. he understands everything but i know in the back of my head that he’s just being friendly, and that’s what hurts the most. i feel like i’m wasting my time but part of me wants to keep hoping that he possibly feels something for me. but, he’s like...so hot. probably the hottest guy i’ve seen.yeah...he’s, uh...preeeeetty bangin’.”

tom stays quiet for while

you start to notice how everytime you brought something up that you liked about your “work buddy” (WHO IS ACTUALLY TOM), he’d give you shitty responses

“he has pretty eyes.”

“oh, nice”

“he also skateboards, and plays a little bit of guitar.”

“hm, i can do both (sorta).”

HE. IS. SO. OBLIVIOUS. AHHHH.

“he used to take dancing. his hair is super shaggy and lovely. not gonna lie, but i’ve thought of running my fingers thro-”

“he probably dances like he has two left feet. what’s this clown’s name anyways?”

“oh! it’s uh...tyler! tyler nuh..nolan.”

“hmm...that’s basic.”

you becoming more and more confused

“why are you shutting down everything i’m saying about him?”

...

“tom?”

“sorry, love. can you repeat that? i was, uh...distracted.”

“i said why are you shutting him down, like the things i’m telling you about him?

“i’m not?”

“yeah, you kind of are.”

“ugh, whatever...”

...

“jerk.”

“brat.”

...

“UGH, do you want me to be honest?”

“yes!”

“i’m dismissing what you’re saying because every single time you’ve ever fancied someone, they’ve always broken your heart. i’ve been here with you through every single heartbreak you’ve endured to pick up the pieces and quite honestly, love...it fucking hurts me to see what they do to you. i’m sorry to be so blunt but you’ve never had the best of luck when it comes to love. i just worry about you, all the time. i don’t want anyone to hurt you, especially not this knob that you’re so flustered over. you’re smart, brilliant i should say. YOUR eyes are pretty, you are so talented, so outgoing, down to earth, kind, absolutely beautiful...you’re so...you.”

yOu ArE qUaKiNg

tom immediately retreats and wants to die because of this sudden outburst

He Is QuAkInG

there is a good 60 seconds of silence

you’re in complete disbelief. the guy who you’ve been in love with for as long as you can remember just made you fall even harder for him (if that was even possible)

“tommy...you think i’m beautiful? you think all that stuff about me?”

“...yeah...i do. i think you’re...the most beautiful girl on the planet. i mean that from the bottom of my heart.”

you feel yourself starting to tear up

this is it.

this was the perfect time to tell him.

“tom...i...there’s something i need to tell you and i don’t know what you’re going to think after i tell you but...i just want you to know...”

“go ahead, love. tell me. i have something i’d like to tell you to...”

deep bREATHS, y/n

your heart is beating so fucking fast, you think you’ll drop dead right then and there

“here we go.” you thought

there’s no going back now

“i can’t keep hiding this from you...how i feel about you. tom, i...i’m in love with you and i know how stupid that sounds. ‘tyler nolan’ isn’t a real person. i just made him up but i was really just talking about you. you’re my best friend and i never anticipated this to ever happen but, i don’t know what it is about you. you’re honestly one of my favorite people ever; the way you carry yourself, your selflessness, you’re just so perfect, and please don’t try to tell me you’re not. i love everything about you, right down to the flaws you think you have. i...know that you don’t feel the same way towards me but after tonight, i just felt like i should get this off my chest. i can tell you that i’ve felt this way towards you for as long as i can remember. i want to be with you, in every way, shape and form. i love you...thomas stanley holland. so much.”

...

mutha fuggin silence

tom

DYING

LIIIIIIIIKE

😶

XABZNJAUIBDNLAISNI he’s actually ready to drop his pants and marry you

you immediately start freaking out because he’s not saying anything

“tommy...say something, please...”

tom starts tearing up because he’s so happy

“this is a miracle.” he thought

“i fucking love her. oh god, i love her”

“y/n...i lo--”

...

“tom?”

...

“hello? tom, are you still there?”

you moved the phone away from your ear and looked at your screen

the damn thing was back on your lock screen

you checked your battery, which now dropped to 43%

then you realized...

hIS FUCKING PHONE MUST’VE DIED

meanwhile

he’s actually freaking the fuck out at his house

“FUCKING HELL!!! SHIT!!!!”

all of a sudden, he hears banging on his door

“TOM! SHUT UP, YOU’RE SO BLOODY LOUD, YOU WANKER!” he heard sam on the other side of the door

tom ignores him and frantically tries to look for an extra charger in his room because haz ruined the one he already had

sam pulls open the door

“mate, be quiet! mum can hear you from upstairs. what are you doing? it’s almost two in the morning.” sam whisper-yelled

“y/n just poured her heart out to me on the phone and i need to tell her that i feel the same way she feels but my bloody phone died when i was about to tell her! do you have your charger? can i please borrow it?” tom exclaimed, frantically

“tessa bit mine, i need to get a new one. just ask mum for her’s in the morning. good god, go to sleep.” sam replies, storming out of tom’s room

tom sighs, defeated

he feels terrible about getting cut off because he’s worried about what you’re thinking

YOU ARE FREAKING OUT

you are tossing and turning, trying to figure out what tom was going to say

“i lo...? i love you but in a platonic way? i lost you, did you just say you love me?” you thought

UGH

ain’t nobody wanna wait

you probably got around two hours of sleep that night

finally the next day, your eyes snap open

you scramble to reach for your phone, which is sitting on your bedside table, with your charger hanging out of the bottom

you rip the cord out of your phone and find five texts from tom

thank GOD

you let out a sigh

YOU WERE SO RELIVED THAT HE DIDN’T ACTUALLY JUST HANG UP ON YOU

but like

dafuq

hang on?

HANG ON?

you notice that he sent these over an hour ago

suddenly, you heard a bang coming from outside your room

wTF

your parent(s) is/are at work and your sibling(s) (if you have any) is/are gone on a school trip

you start freaking out

you quickly tumbled out of bed (your feet get caught on your blankets so you ate shit lel)

scooping yourself off the floor, you slowly but surely pull open your bedroom door

you have 911 dialled into your phone on standby

you tiptoe down the hall and peek your head into each door way of the main floor

nothing

there’s another bang

“the creep must be in the kitchen stealing my food” you thought

you trot over to the kitchen and you shat a brick

fuCKING TOM HAS HIS BACK TURNED TOWARDS YOU

“WHAT THE FUCK???”

he dropped a pan in fear, the metal clanking against the stove loudly

he FUCKING SHRIEKED (if tom shrieking isn’t adorable, then honestly wtf is)

tom whirled around quickly with his hand over his heart, trying to calm his breathing

“bloody hell! i just pissed myself, i didn’t even hear you come in.”

you moved towards him, the memories of your confession began to invade your head again

your knees buckled a little bit underneath you with every step you took but you tried your best to stand your ground, not letting the intimidation get to you

“what are you doing here?”

you look behind him

thAT FUQQIN QT

he was preparing breakfast for the two of you

scrambled eggs, bacon, pancakes, breakfast sausage, toast, a bowl of strawberries, freshly squeezed orange juice and of course, the tea you both loved so much

you look back up at him in awe and he’s just smiling down at you

“i’m sorry for all the noise, love. i let myself in with the key you have hidden in the flower pot outside and i, uh...wanted to make you breakfast...”

you are still silent

this is the sweetest thing someone has ever done for you

“and i’m also here to tell you that...”

suddenly, tom was leaning down. his hand cupped your cheek and his arm wrapped around your waist

his lips were mere inches away from yours

instinctively, you placed both your hands on his biceps, holding them as you pushed forward too, closing the space between the both of you

MUTHA FUCKIN FIREWORKS ARE GOING OFF IN YALLS HEADS

of course both of you have kissed other people before but this kiss...

THIS KISS.

lemme tell u sumtin

this was the best friggin kiss either of you have ever had

tom was the first to pull away, but he rested his forehead on yours and chuckled under his breath

“i’m here to tell you that...i love you too. i’m so in love with you. i’ve been waiting ages for you to tell me what you told me last night.”

you couldn’t believe what you were hearing

“oh and, uh...’tracy lancaster’? she isn’t a real person either, just like ‘tyler’.”

your eyes scrunch a little as you giggled from how childish the two of you really are

you bring your arms up and wrap them around his neck, as his snake around your waist

you both stand there, full of content and full of love

“god...i love you, angel. you’re so bloody perfect. thank you for loving me.” tom whispered

the only thing you can think of is

“wowie, i guess i’m not just a spec of dust in this universe after all.”

after a while, you quickly left to brush your teeth and wash up for breakfast

you sit down at the table with tom, the both of you laughing, going over the times you both figured out your feelings towards one another

you both really enjoyed the breakfast

but let’s just say that breakfast wasn’t the only thing tom ate that morning

lol

sorry

kill me

byE

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x y/n #tom holland imagine #tom holland x you #tom holland imagines #tom holland headcanon #tom holland drabble #tom holland blurbs #peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #peter parker x y/n #peter parker imagine #peter parker imagines #peter parker headcanons #peter parker drabble #peter parker blurb

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cassiopeiassky · 7 years

Text

Never Surrender

So I did a thing that I shouldn’t have done, because I have 542,396 other things to do. Oh well. I did the thing anyway.

This is a songfic inspired by Skillet’s Never Surrender. It came up on my playlist yesterday and I couldn’t get the idea out of my head.

Bucky x reader

Word count: 3898

Warnings: This story deals heavily with depression and self-hate. There’s a fair amount of angst, although it also has a fair amount of fluff at the end. Language, because I'm me. Oh and Bucky is an absolute angel.

Lyrics are in italics

Do you know what it’s like when

You’re scared to see yourself?

Do you know what it’s like when

You wish you were someone else?

You rummage through your closet for what feels like the fiftieth time, and you fight back the tears. Again. The problem isn’t that you don’t have any clothes, it’s that none of them fit right or make you feel good about yourself. Then again, nothing really feels good anymore. Hasn’t for a few weeks.

A heavy sigh finds its way out. It isn’t exactly that you’d forgotten about your family pictures, it’s more that you chose not to think about it, and things you don’t think about tend to sneak up on you…like your junior year of high school, when you knew you were going to Homecoming but put off buying a dress until the afternoon of the dance. That hadn’t worked out well for you – the only options available were picked over, ugly, and Ill-fitting. “Procrastination, just another one of my amazingly incredible talents,” you snark to yourself. God, can’t you do anything right?

The portraits were your dad’s idea, and you thought you’d have enough time to do what you needed to do to get ‘picture ready,’ but no. Everything’s exactly the same as it was three months ago when the appointment was scheduled. The same weight you aren’t comfortable at, the same height you hate. The same hair, skin, eyes…everything’s the fucking same and you hate it.

You hate yourself.

You really don’t want to be memorialized this way, to have a tangible piece of evidence of your glaring imperfections, but it isn’t like you can call in sick to your family pictures. Well maybe….no. No, you can’t.

Shit.

You pull on another pair of pants, and immediately take them off when you see how they emphasize the wrong parts of your body. Maybe a skirt would be more forgiving of your flaws? One shirt, two shirts, three shirts later…one was too short, one too long, and one too loose in one area but too tight in another.

By this point the dam is ready to break, and you aren’t sure what’s holding you together. Well yes, actually, you do. Your boyfriend will be home soon and you don’t want him to see you like this. It’s not that he’d judge you – he’d never do that, in fact, if anybody would know how you feel it’d be him – it’s just that Bucky deals with enough. It’s not like you to hide yourself away from him, but you can’t help but feel how unfair it is to Bucky that you’re like this; he carries enough, he doesn’t need to shoulder your burdens, too.

Because that’s what you are, right? A burden. And not even a pretty burden. You choke back the sob that threatens to destroy your composure as you look in the mirror. Worthless. Stupid. Hideous.

Do you know what it’s like when

You’re not who you wanna be?

Do you know what it’s like to

Be your own worst enemy?

30 minutes till you have to leave – back to the closet.

Maybe that green shirt would look better if you wore the pink bra? Fuck, where is the pink bra?

The tears threaten again, and you decide to change tactics. “Make up, don’t fail me now,” you mutter as you take your place at the brightly lit vanity; a gift from Bucky when you’d moved in together. You’ll deal with the clothing situation in a bit, you still need to get your face and hair done.

Well, today is not your day, to say the least. You can’t get the shading right on your eyeshadow, the eyeliner is smudged and not in a good way, and your left eyelashes are a mascara clumped mess while the right eye has a perfect imprint of the mascara brush just above your lash line. And then there’s the Mount Vesuvius of zits on your chin that you have to try to disguise – you might as well put a fucking Hello Kitty bandaid on the thing for all the luck you’re having hiding it. “Goddammit.” Seriously, will you manage to get anything right today??

You glance at the clock – fuck, you have to leave in 15 minutes. You fix your eyes as best you can and move onto your hair. Your hair that you’d skipped washing this morning because you’d overslept, because on top of everything else, you’re lazy and greasy and gross. Okay, well, there’s not much you can do about that now. Maybe some dry shampoo?

The bottle spits pathetically. Empty. Of course, because you couldn’t fucking remember to pick more up.

“GodDAMN IT!” you screech as you slam the bottle down.

Why are you such a waste of space? Your hands clutch at your hair as you slump down, desperately fighting back the tears. You’d think that you’d be a champ at this by now.

Do you know what it’s like

To wanna surrender?

“Sugarplum? Where are you, baby? Are you ready to go?” Bucky’s voice floats through the bedroom door.

If you answer there will be sobs instead of words, so you don’t answer.

“Sugarplum?” His hand becomes a comforting weight on your shoulder. “Hey, what’s going on?” he asks quietly as he kneels down to your level.

You can’t lie to him – not just because you decided you never would, but because you simply can’t. He’d know. So you don’t. “I don’t wanna talk about it,” you mumble as you shrug off his touch and walk into the closet. He follows, but doesn’t say anything.

As you stare listlessly at the clothes still hanging in your closet, you can feel his gaze. Truth be told, you probably don’t have to tell him what’s wrong. You know him well enough to know that he’s observed the state of the bedroom – the clothes everywhere, the way your vanity is disorganized – he knew before he even saw you. Not to mention that he lives with you; prying isn’t his style, though, so he’s been respecting your boundaries even though you’ve been steadily closing down and pushing him away.

“Ya know, I always like seeing you in that black and teal dress, the one you were wearing when we first met.” His soft baritone eases something, you’re not sure what, and you nod. You hadn’t considered that dress because it isn’t in your closet – it’s still hanging in the laundry room from the last time it was washed. You know without looking that he’s gone to get it; he’s doing his best to help without stepping on your toes. He respects you when you say you don’t want to talk, and instead of pushing, he waits for you to come to him. Your shoulders slump and you swallow hard when you think of how he deserves so much better than what you can offer.

“Here you go, Sugarplum,” he murmurs as he helps you put on the dress. It’s one of your favorites – soft with a graceful and flowy skirt, it accentuates what you usually like about yourself while still managing to mostly camouflage the parts you want to keep hidden.

“Thanks,” you mutter as you head back out to your vanity. “I just…I have to do something with my hair.” You speak in barely a whisper – you sound pathetic. You are pathetic.

He’s quiet for a moment before clearing his throat. “What about your sexy twisty hairdo?”

Confusion washes over you. “What?”

“Your sexy twisty hairdo,” he motions with his hands, and as you watch him through the mirror it’s almost enough to make you giggle. Almost. “It’s…it’s what I call that updo you do when I keep you up too late the night before and you oversleep…the one you do with the hair stick and the thick black plasticy lacy headband.”

Oh. Well, that’s actually a really good idea. You’d wanted to wear your hair down, but that clearly isn’t going to work today. Twisting and pinning it up takes care of the texture issues, and the headband hides both the slightly greasy hair and the unruly flyaways that frame your face. It’s a look that takes all of a minute to put together but looks like it took at least twenty. And he’s right – it’s the way you wear your hair to work on mornings you run late, and you get more compliments on those days than any other.

“Thanks, Buck.” You still can’t bring yourself to meet his eyes.

“Hey,” he pulls you into a bone-cracking hug, “anytime, Sugarplum.”

***

Pictures went as well as could be expected, you suppose. They’re still taking pictures of the new grandbaby when your mom approaches you in the sitting room.

“You don’t seem like you today. Did you and Bucky have a fight?”

You shake your head – there’s no way you’re blaming this on him, because he’s been nothing but perfect – but she’ll poke and prod until she gets an answer. Might as well suck it up and be honest. “I’m just not happy with myself, Mom.” There. You’ve said it. You can see out of the corner of your eye that Bucky stiffens at your words, even though he’s not facing you. Goddamn supersoldier hearing.

“You look fine, and no one will notice your make up in the pictures; none of them were closeups.”

You roll your eyes so hard, you’re pretty sure you pulled a muscle. Leave it to your mom to try to make you feel better by completely disregarding your feelings. She means well, but it doesn’t help.

“Honey, we’ve been over this before. I’ve already told you, you’re perfect the way you are. Tall girls always want to be short, short girls always want to be tall, skinny girls want to be curvy and curvy girls want to be skinny. Curly girls want straight hair, and straight-haired girls want curls. People just want what they don’t have.” She looks at you like she expects her statements to suddenly lift the dark cloud hanging over you.

Okay, fine, you’ll concede the truth of her words to a point because you’ve had the hair conversation about a million times in your life, but the rest of what she says is not completely true. Everyone you know has at least one thing they love about themselves, but not you. Your self-loathing sharpens - why did you have to get the short end of the stick on everything? Why can’t you have at least one thing about yourself that you like?

“Are you still seeing that doctor?”

“What?” Her question takes you by surprise.

“For your depression. Are you still seeing someone? Still taking your meds?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” you snap. Yes, you’ve been taking your antidepressant. No, you haven’t seen your therapist lately – you’ve been working late hours and haven’t had time. But what does that fucking matter? The way you feel is the way you feel.

“Well, that’s supposed to help with…things…” Your mom struggles with this, she always has. You suppose it’s because she doesn’t like the idea of her baby girl feeling less than happy at all times.

You can’t find it in you to care. “So because I take a pill I’m not allowed to have bad feelings? They don’t just magically go away, Mom.”

She opens her mouth to respond when Bucky steps up.

“I’m so sorry Sugarplum, but I need you to bring me into the clinic. My arm is acting up – the upgrades Stark did this afternoon must have some sort of glitch because the nerve receptors just quit working.”

You glance at him to see his metal arm hanging awkwardly. “Oh shit, yeah, of course,” you murmur as you start digging for the keys.

“I’m sorry to cut this short ma’am, but I’ll be sure to bring your daughter out to see you next weekend,” Bucky promises, nodding respectfully before placing his right hand at your lower back to guide you out of the sitting room. It isn’t until you get to the car and he takes the keys from you that you realize what he’s done – his arm is absolutely fine.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I thought it would be best to get you out of there,” he says as he opens the passenger door for you.

You nod woodenly as you get in, but are unable to come up with anything to say. The ride home is silent in the car, but in your head it’s anything but.

There was a time you didn’t feel like this, but it feels like it was so long ago. You were once happy, but you couldn’t say when. You can see Bucky chew his lip in worry as he glances at you periodically, and the guilt just about overwhelms you. He shouldn’t have to deal with this. With you.

He still doesn’t say anything as you get home, and you start to wonder if he’s planning to leave. It’d be understandable – you certainly wouldn’t blame him.

Fear drives you out of the car and to your bedroom as quickly as possible; you don’t know why, but you want to hide. Well, yes you do. Your conversation with your mother has made you realize that you’re in a depressive episode. God, this sucks. It brings about the tiniest but of clarity, though.

As you take down your hair and toss your headband onto the vanity, there’s a light knock on the door, but Bucky doesn’t wait before entering. He approaches, stopping just behind you, careful not to get too close. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, and Sugarplum, I’m trying to respect that but you’re starting to scare me.” Bucky sounds so timid and unsure, and you hate yourself for making him feel this way. “Please tell me what’s going on.”

Taking a deep breath as you turn around, you’re taken aback by the look on his face; you’ve never seen him look so lost.

How do you put this into words?

“I just…sometimes I just really hate myself.” And with your whispered confession, the dam finally breaks.

He catches you as you sink to the floor, pulling your bawling form into his lap as he cradles you in his embrace. The words finally come as he softly strokes your hair and gently rocks, and it feels both horrible and wonderful to voice the feelings you’ve been trying to shove down.

Bucky holds you, remaining silent throughout although you hear a few poorly hidden sharp intakes of breath when he is particularly distressed by something you’ve said.

It isn’t until you’ve been quiet for quite some time, save for crying, that he finally speaks up.

“How do I help you?” Bucky sounds almost as broken as you feel.

“I don’t wanna feel like this tomorrow, I don’t wanna live like this today. Make me feel better, I wanna feel better,” you sob, clutching him tightly. “Please, put me back together.”

“What can I do for you, Sugarplum? I’ll do anything.” The desperation in his voice is clear.

“Stay with me here,” you hiccup.

“I love you, baby, nothing could ever take me away.” He holds you impossibly close as he presses a kiss to the top of your head. “Can you just do one thing for me? Please?” He doesn’t wait for your response before he whispers his request, “Never surrender.”

“I won’t,” you sniffle as you bury your face into his neck. He holds you a bit longer before untangling himself from you and helping you to your feel. Without releasing your hand, he leads you into the bathroom and directs you to sit on the toilet seat.

Another kiss is pressed the crown of your head as you stare at the floor in front of you. You’ve essentially purged the self-hate that’s been brewing over the past few weeks, and now you’re exhausted. Bucky’s tinkering with something in the medicine cabinet and then running water, but you don’t have the energy to look.

He kneels in front of you before whispering, “Close your eyes for me, Sugarplum.” You do, and you feel the soothing chill of a cotton ball soaked in your make up remover as it passes over your swollen eyes. Bucky then brings you to your feet and removes your clothing before leading you into the shower. You stand under the spray, allowing the water and Bucky’s gentle touch to rinse away the remaining traces of your emotional breakdown.

It feels good to let him take care of you, and you do your best to ignore the voice in your head telling you that you don’t deserve this.

He presses a kiss to your shoulder before retrieving a towel to wrap your hair and then a second to dry your body. Neither of you speaks; you don’t have to. You’ve already said what you have to say and he knows from experience that words aren’t enough in this kind of situation, so instead of filling the silence with optimistic yet ultimately trite and cliched phrases, he puts his love into motion.

You try to smile at him to acknowledge his efforts because you’re grateful for him, you really are, but it comes off as a pained grimace as a few more tears leak out. Bucky knows what you mean, though, and he simply kisses away your tears before helping you into your comfiest pajamas. He pauses to pull your hair up and out of your way and then leads you back into the bedroom. As he gets dressed your eyes follow him - God, when he moves he’s like poetry in motion. The graceful purpose with which he moves his body never fails to mesmerize you, and the glint from his metal arm is hypnotic in the dim lighting. And yet…hasn’t he felt the same self-abhorring feelings about himself that you’ve been drowning in lately? It sort of puts things into perspective. He still has days when he thinks he’s a monster, but you adore him nonetheless. It occurs to you that he’s doing the same for you; loving the monster you think you are without ever seeing the ugly. Your brain wants to know why, why would he bother? And then your heart mutters its reply: because he loves you, you dolt.

If only there was a way to make your heart consistently louder than your brain.

“Arms up, Sugarplum,” his quiet voice breaks through your internal musing, and you do as he requests so he can slip one of his hoodies on you.

Finally fully warm and less lost in the cold confines of your mind, he leads you into the living room where he sits in the corner of the couch before pulling down to lie with your head in his lap. You curl yourself into a ball, and upon seeing that you’re still extremely raw, Bucky gathers you up and cradles you in his arms before shifting you both, moving until he’s mostly beneath you and you’re almost fully enveloped within his embrace with your head resting over his heart. He somehow manages to drape a blanket over you, tucking you into him until you begin to feel safe and protected from yourself. It’s almost imperceptible, but you’re sure you feel the shattered pieces of your soul slowly start to knit back together.

Your eyes slide closed as he grabs the remote and flips on the tv, searching the channels until he finds the movie Armageddon. Bucky reaches again, and a moment later you hear him tapping something on his phone. The sounds blend with those of one of your favorite movies as you finally drift off to sleep.

***

The sound of rustling bags wakes you, but you don’t bother to open your eyes.

“I really don’t think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker.” You must not have been out that long - Armageddon is still on, and it’s currently at one of your favorite scenes.

“Well cause it’s sweet, which to me suggests cookie, and, you know, I mean putting cheese on something is sort of the defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. Damn right - you tell her, AJ.

“Thanks, Stevie.” Bucky’s quiet voice captures your attention.

“Anytime, Buck. Is she okay? Is there anything we can do?”

“Nah, I got this. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

“Alright, just text me if you need anything else.”

You feel Bucky’s nod before he presses a kiss to the top of your head. Steve lets himself out, and you allow yourself to float a bit in the tenuous peace Bucky has provided for you.

Your stomach growls at the smell of the food that’s clearly on your coffee table - if your nose isn’t lying, it’s your favorite take out. Still, you don’t speak or open your eyes until the horrifically wonderful sound of AJ and his team serenading Grace floats into the living room.

“From now on, I want a full rendition of Leaving on a Jet Plane before you leave for missions.”

You feel more than hear his quiet chuckle. “For you, Sugarplum, anything.” There’s a long pause before he continues, “Do you know why I call you Sugarplum?”

“Because you’re old, and back in the day when you had to walk uphill butt naked through 2 miles of snow to get to school, that’s what guys called their best girl?”

“Hey! I’ll have you know - well - shit, you’re not wrong,” he concedes with a breathy laugh.

You smile, and for the first time in weeks it doesn’t feel like your cheeks will crack with the effort.

“Before I met you, plums were my favorite thing in the world. Then you came along, and you loved me when I was at my worst. And I figured, well, if a woman like you can love me at my worst, then maybe I’m worth loving after all. You became my favorite thing, but just calling you Plum sounded kinda funny, and besides, I love you better than plums, so I put the Sugar in front of it.” He shrugs. “And yes, it was an endearment back in the good ol’ days when you young whipper snappers respected your elders.”

You shift to smile up at him.

“I’m gonna love you through this. I know I can’t make it better, but I’ll be by your side the whole time. I’ll love you enough for both of us until you can learn how to love yourself.”

You think to what he just said a few moments ago. “Well, I guess if a man like you can love me at my worst, then maybe I’m worth loving after all.”

He smiles his signature lopsided smile when he recognizes his own words. “That’s my girl.”

“Thanks, Buck.”

There’s a light in his eyes when he asks, “For what, Sugarplum?”

“You make me feel better.” The relief in his eyes is evident, even though you both know this is far from over. Still, you know whether or not you feel worthy of his devotion, he’ll be with you every step of the way. The knowledge doesn’t magically make everything better, but it gives you courage to face tomorrow. “I promise, Buck, no matter how bad it gets, I’ll never surrender.”

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#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky imagine #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #songfic #my work #never surrender

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