#also 90% of the bad shit in my life at the moment IS in fact related to real life lawyers

[victoriadallonfan]

Lets Talk: The Predator Franchise

About two months ago, I put my thoughts into my feelings on the Alien Franchise, and why I felt that they've been faltering so much.

It felt only fitting that I do the same for the Predator franchise, but I ran into a very curious thing... there's only one bad Predator movie.

A shocking statement, I know, but I'm not counting the AVP movie series (that's it's own separate thing). The Predator (film) is easily the only bad film in the entire series, but I'll get to that later.

First things first: lets talk about Predator (1987).

It's an all time classic, a great deconstruction of the 80's action film, with insanely quotable dialogue and memorable characters - not just the Predator itself, but all the human characters are easily recognizable.

Unlike the Alien (1979) and Aliens (1986), Predator is not predominantly a horror film, nor is it emphasizing a tough topic such as sexual assault. It does HAVE horror aspects (the first time they find the skinned corpses is intensely unnerving, especially when they realize that this group of marines apparently lost all self-control and fired in all directions), and it does touch a bit on how the US government is using its own soldiers as cannon fodder to destabilize third-world countries.

But it's not really built to scare the viewer so much as to present a simple idea: what if these action heroes met a bigger, stronger, more advanced version of themselves? And the result is a near total party wipe.

Watching the original film, you realize that the Predator is depicted as incredibly unfair. The majority of its kills are it sniping someone from afar, rushing them when they aren't even looking (while cloaked), and doing a combination of the above. It would have killed Arnold while his back was turned, if the net trap hadn't been set in place.

Hell, it even kills a wounded soldier that Arnold is carrying, after Billy's "last stand" (that lasted mere moments at best, implying the Predator didn't give him the time of day).

(Also, speaking of Billy... he's psychic? Apparently?)

But yeah, the Predator depicted is not the honor clad warrior that some fans may stan (and some writers believe) but more like the equivalent of Counter-Strike hacker. The fact that it takes Arnold untold amounts of traps, ingenuity, and willpower for the Predator to finally face him man to man, no tech, no weapons is meant to be a testament to how impressive Arnold is.

Likewise, the Predator decides to blow himself the fuck up while cackling manically like a supervillain as he tries to finally kill Dutch, also opens him to showing that as alien as it is, it's remarkably human. A spite filled asshole of a human, but humanish nonetheless (amplified by him copying human speech on prior occasions).

It's a really great film about how alien life, if more advanced than our own, might see us as lesser people or outright livestock to hunt (keep a pin in that).

Predator 2 (1990) is often divided amongst fans.

Some hate the fact that it takes place in the "modern day" LA, instead of sticking to the blazing heat of the jungle (as the lore of the first movie implies that the Predator or a Predator visits at the hottest time of the season to create the local bogeyman figure), but this film does a fine job justifying the LA heatwave and honestly... the idea of keeping the Predator to one type of biome is pretty limiting. So I don't mind that.

As one can tell already, I don't think this movie is bad. As good as the first? No, it rehashes a bit too much for that. But it's still a fun and good movie.

And, notably, scarier.

But for context, Predator 2 is set in the far future of... uh, 1997 LA, where there has been open warfare between the LAPD and the Jamaican and Colombian Cartels. Like, not drug busts or stings, but actual warfare with armies of gangs and shit.

The late 80's and early 90's loved to depict LA as a dystopian hellscape where "law and order" was the only defense from total anarchy (as anyone who has ever lived in LA can tell you, racial tensions, especially between the public and police have not been good to say the least).

This entire setup is like a D.A.R.E nightmare or wet dream depending on who's asking.

(Also the Jamaican drug leader, King Willy, might also be psychic? This is the last time it's brought up, but man, I sort of wish we could see future plot lines where people are randomly psychic in these films.)

Anyways, the situation is certainly perfect for this Predator (named City Hunter to differentiate between Jungle Hunter), who takes to the city with a gusto. The difference in how the Predator is portrayed is fascinating, because the bare bones remain the same: he hunts people who are deemed as sport with alien technology.

Fitting with the ultra-violent theme of this film however, this Predator feels like a legitimately horror movie monster. Unlike the Jungle Hunter, City Hunter doesn't prefer to attack from afar, but rather ripping and tearing in close quarters combat, and when he does use ranged weaponry, it's stuff like spears, bladed discs, and nets that shred people into bloody messes.

And he's 110% a bigger asshole that Jungle Hunter: when the City Hunter decides to focus on our lead man, Danny Glover, he doesn't just hunt the man but psychologically torture him. He murders his partner - who is probably the least threatening human in the entire series - just so he can taunt Glover with his necklace at his own grave. He then copies the innocent words of a child just so he can use it as a creepy catchphrase when he decides to hunt Glover's other partners.

The iconic subway massacre perfectly exemplifies both aspects of the City Hunter. He interrupts a massive stand-off between armed civilians, gang members, and the police, just wading in and killing everyone indiscriminately as people frantically scream and claw over each other trying to escape.

(Speaking of, this film does have a LOT of fun having the Predator on modern sets. The above subway scene, City Hunter investigating a meat locker, and him performing emergency surgery in an apartment bathroom are all really cool).

Also, for being so divisive, this film creates a lot of Predator lore: the Predator won't kill (unarmed) children, he won't kill pregnant women, and he WILL kill the elderly if they are packing heat.

And this includes the trophy wall (with xenomorph skull - actually funny because we never see a Predator collect a xenomorph skull in the AVP films) and that the Predator tribe will honor and respect those who defeat their kind with a reward.

It does include that the government is aware of the Predator existence and tries to capture them, but this won't be a major plot line again until The Predator (2018) though it gets some tongue in cheek reference in Predators (2010).

Anyways solid film, lots of cheesey scenes and very tropey stuff that hasn't aged well (or aged in a way that makes it amusing). It's also that last movie that actually tries to be true horror, in my opinion. The rest of the films stick to Action with Gore, but Predator 2 is truly the last film where you feel like this was written to be a horror film.

Also, this film will be the last to really play into the world as being an overly dramatic action movie earth. It's all realism from here.

And then the film franchise will go quiet until 2004 and 2008 for the AVP films (that I won't cover here).

Finally, we get to Predators (2010), and obvious title call back to Aliens (1986) and I have to say, a pretty good trio of ideas: The human targets are actually kidnapped and dropped on a safari planet, there are multiple Predators with their own unique designs and gimmicks, and there is a internal war between the Bad Bloods (aka the Predators who break the "honor code") and the 'normal' Predator clans.

(It should be noted that Bad Bloods have been a thing for years in comics and books, but not really in the mainstream until this film introduced it to movie audiences)

I have to say, despite having a fondness for the film and loving the new ideas, this film is not as enjoyable as Predator or Predator 2. It unfortunately suffers from what I call 2010ism, where there's a lot of CGI blood/gore, a lot of lighting/shadows aren't natural in a horror sense, and the dialogue isn't memorable because it wanted to ditch the action movie dialogue.

The last part isn't necessarily too bad, and it even works with how Adrian Brody is portrayed as a cynical asshole who is purposely meant to be the opposite of Arnold in every way. But the most memorable dialogue is definitely from Walter Goggins (including his highly disturbing "bitch raping time" speech).

Also, it really wastes Topher Grace, Laurence Fishbourne, and Danny Trejo, along with the whole idea of a gang of multinational killers/soldiers/enforcers forced to work together. Not nearly enough time is given to them to bond as a team and have a moment where they show off how cool they are like Predator and Predator 2 did.

Coupled with the safari world being just... a jungle, it feels like a lot of good ideas with "safe" execution.

I don't mean to rag on the film, it's still very fun, and a lot of that is due to the Bad Bloods.

The idea of a particular group of Predators being so evil that they are even warring with their (smaller) counterparts is a great idea, imo, and these Bad Bloods are memorable for their gimmicks.

You had one who used drones as "falcons" to scan and scout out large tracks of terrain, another who employed alien "hounds" to harass humans like a fox hunt, and the leader who had a rapid-fire plasma caster that was overpowered as hell. They also employed other tech like alien bear traps, net traps, and voice decoys.

This movie definitely had the most advanced Predator tech seen on film at the time, making the Jungle Hunter and City Hunter look low tech by comparison, and I think also served to try and force the idea of the Bad Bloods being really "unfair" compared to others.

And of course, we get our first Predator vs Predator fight, which was suitably graphic and badass. Also, I liked that one Predator died by a human pulling a suicide vest attack. Idk, I thought it was pretty ironic considering that's what predators do when they are about to lose, and thought it was neat.

Ultimately, there isn't much else to say about Predators (2010), even though the film ends on a cliffhanger with more people (and aliens) being dropped on the planet. I enjoyed it, it had a lot of cool ideas, cool tech, and cool lore... but if the prior films could be compared to novels, this one felt more like a guidebook.

And now... eight years pass and we get The Predator (2018)

Where do I begin with this movie.

I guess I start with the obvious: it's bad. It's a genuinely awful movie with few redeeming qualities. I'd say it's on the tier of Alien: Resurrection, except this movie is actually offensive because of autism ableism (turns out that autism is actually the next step of human evolution and makes you naturally predisposed to using Predator technology).

And don't get me started on the sex offender controversy.

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. It's just that this movie... jesus christ, I rewatched it for this post, and it feels like a fever dream.

The Predator (2018) ultimately, is a film that looked at everything that came before it and said, "What if we did it all on a grander scale? And make it bad?" The plot is that a Predator is being hunted by an even larger, more powerful Predator, because it plans on harvesting humanity. You see, in this movie, some Predators use the genes of animals they hunt to improve themselves. The Super Predator as he is called, is a massive 10 foot tall monster that has turned his body into a super weapon, with technology built directly into his biology.

The Good Predator arrives on Earth to warn humanity and deliver a "Predator Killer" suit of Iron Man armor that will help humanity defend the Earth from the oncoming invasion force. The Super Predator wants humanity harvested because... autism makes them super geniuses.... and he declares that a 12 year old boy with autism to be the greatest Predator he's ever met... just because he has autism...

Look, I don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to describe the plot of this movie. It's just bad. It's stupid. At one point they turn a Predator hound good by giving it a bullet lobotomy.

It feels like this movie hates everyone. It hates the Predators, literally killing off the Good Predator not even halfway through the film. It hates the cast, because all of them are forgettable except for Olivia Munn and Super Predator, and it kills the mystique of the Predators because it has Super Predator monologue like an actual supervillain.

The dialogue is genuinely awful, the actors have no chemistry, and the comedy (oh yes, this film acts like a comedy on several occasions) is the definition of cringe. I would call it "ChatGPT writes Predator" but honestly, ChatGPT could do it better.

Let it be known that my words do not do how awful this movie is justice. You can only understand how bad it is by watching it, but it's absolutely NOT worth the time.

Is there anything good about this movie? Besides the Holiday Special on home release?

The effects are pretty good. We see a lot of high tech Predator stuff and that's always cool. I think this had the highest budget of any of the films and it shows.

There's an action set-piece where Good Predator escapes from a government facility and uses an M4-Assault Rifle which is badass. One of the best action scenes in the movie and a neat tie-back to the government investigating them.

The Super Predator is a cool concept and I actually enjoyed him for a large part of the film. I liked that he could just pick up a human like a toy and gut him like a fish before tossing him aside. I love the idea of a Predator that isn't a hunter, but rather a soldier sent in to fuck shit up, showing off the different tech. Really gives the impression that their society has different roles and tech for Predators beyond hunting.

I wish they gave him a helmet and didn't let him monologue like a supervillain.

And that's it. That's the good stuff. Nothing else matters. It says a lot that I don't think Super Predator or the autism plot has been accepted into lore in comics or books.

It's even been argued that this film was deemed non-canon because of how abysmal the reception was.

Suffice to say, after this awful film, fans were pretty low spirit. Which made it all the more surprising when Prey (2022) was released 4 years later.

There was a lot of drama about this film: the franchise is dead, why is the film so woke for including woman and minorities, how can any human expect to beat a Predator with a bow?

This drama is stupid and should rightfully be mocked.

Prey (2022) was a breath of fresh air for the franchise and I'd argue the best film in terms of quality.

It quite literally goes back to the roots of the series and does something that really elevated the film: it made the Predator symbolise something!

This film takes place in the 18th century on the Great Plains, following Naru the Commanche healer who dreams of being a hunter. Meanwhile, a young Predator - known as the Feral Predator for his aggression - is dropped on the planet for his first ever hunt.

Obviously, you can see the parallels between the two as Naru learns to use tricks and tools to handle her weaknesses, while Feral uses brute-force and high tech equipment to slaughter the animals and humans of the planet. The Bear hunt scene, where Naru is forced to flee from a bear and helplessly watch Feral kill the creature with it's bare hands (haha), thus condemning her in his eyes as not a threat is perfect character foil.

Also, he's such a piece of shit, cheating the moment he feels like his prey has the better of him. But in a good way that makes sense for his character.

But on the grander scale, the Predator represents colonialism. A secondary antagonist of the film are the French fur trappers, who have been skinning wild buffalo and depriving the commanche of their food source, openly compared to the Predator skinning animals/humans for trophies instead of resources.

It's actually a lesson Naru has to learn from her brother and mother, that to become a true hunter is about doing so to support a community, not just for ego and idolization.

Its no accident that the Fur Trapper leader dies when Naru sabotages his gun and Feral dies when Naru does the same to his gun as well, with both of them trapped and crippled without any means of escaping their demise.

This film finally moves to make the Predators feel like evil villains who are supremely selfish, much like the first 2 films emphasized (and the third film did to a lesser extent).

But talk of how amazing Naru is as a protagonist and how great the Feral predator is as an antagonist, the film is just good. The cinematography is gorgeous, the actors are great, the Predator effects and costume are terrifying, and lore wise, it does a lot to show that the Predator society is not stagnant.

They evolve over the years and it shows.

And my god are the action scenes incredible. The Predator vs Fur Trapper fight is probably one of the most iconic scenes in the entire franchise now, and for good reason.

Or Naru's knife fight massacre

All in all, this film really shows that the Predator films can be more that action films and... whatever the fuck The Predator (2018) was trying to be.

These films can be used to explore the history of humanity and symbolize concepts that deal with oppression, bigotry, and dehumanization.

The title of Prey - the focus on making the protagonists human - versus the Predator title is incredibly fitting.

While a sequel is left up in the air, we do have confirmation that a new standalone film - titled merely Badlands - is set to come out soon.

I can only hope they learned the right lessons from Prey and we can leave the horrid past of The Predator (2018) behind us for good.

[fanby-fckry]

Ya know, people on this site go on about the difference between intrusive thoughts and impulsive thoughts – rightfully so; they’re two distinct phenomenons, and armchair psych trends are mucking things up – but I have a bone to pick about how people seem to go about it.

Specifically that they tend to present intrusive thoughts as this awful horrible nightmare scenario, and then impulsive thoughts as… completely benign. And I guess, for someone with neurotypical levels of impulse control, they can be. But what about people who don’t?

What about people with conditions that cause poor impulse control? People who have to actively work to think before following an impulse, and who can’t always manage it.

I have bipolar disorder and BPD: two disorders that come packaged with poor impulse control and an increased likelihood of engaging in risky behavior like drug use and unsafe sex. That’s pretty fucking serious.

These aren’t intrusive thoughts, at least not for me. They’re my thoughts, my urges. They don’t disgust or repulse me on the moment. In fact, that’s part of the problem. There’s no natural pause between impulse and action, immediately apparent reason not to act on it. I’ve since learned to implement pauses, and to use skills like pros and cons lists, opposite action, etc. But I have to work at it.

Even more ‘benign’ impulses can cause problems. I’m currently having a manic episode, so my impulse control is dead. And I just acted on the commonly referenced ‘cut my own hair’ impulse.

It looks like a hackjob, because it was. I don’t have the money to go to the salon to fix it. I have to live with this decision, and the consequences for my self image and social life.

More serious potential consequences below the cut, along with another personal story.

Content Warning: abuse, sexual themes in reference to consensual (but unsafe) sex

And if I had a job or an abusive partner/parent/etc. that demanded control over my hair, I’d be in even deeper shit. I know someone who was in the latter situation, also has poor impulse control, acted on the haircut impulse, and very much suffered for it.

Looping back around to my experiences, I used to engage in very poorly thought-out sexual encounters, because… ???

I’m ace. I don’t even like sex 90% of the time, but I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. I’d act on fleeting libido, realize I wasn’t into it part-way through, and then make a string of very unwise choices in an attempt to make it more enjoyable, which I will not get into here. I’d also use sex as a form of self destruction, knowing it was a bad idea and doing it anyway, because ‘fuck it’ (pun not fully intended, but sometimes ya gotta laugh at yourself).

I got multiple UTIs from having sex while dehydrated and sweating buckets. I had pregnancy scares because I screwed up my birth control and had sex anyway. The only reason I didn’t get an STI (unless you count the UTIs, which I guess were technically sexually transmitted) is because I was monogamous at the time and neither of us had anything to pass on.

So uh, yeah. It’s not all ‘I’m so quirky’ fun and games. Intrusive thoughts can be debilitating, and I’m not trying to diminish that. But so can impulsive thoughts, under the right (read: wrong) circumstances. And I wish people didn’t throw me and my poor-impulse-control brethren under the bus.

[ohanny]

dangerous romance: main couple mania ep. 1

so i love how sailom's instroduction is this is a budgeting king, in debt eating stolen rice porridge. he has a very pre-kinn broke ass porsche-chay dynamic with his brother (?) which is very sweet and also means it won't last five minutes.

oh okay so we get this ship sailing with a wall slam and a classic "do you understand my father funds your scholarship you poor piece of trash" and alksdflkfj

i know i am supposed to see sailom as the victim but he is like full on pete-ing this. he never breaks eye contact. he is like daring kanghan to escalate with his entire body and kanghan did not just go full "since you're my class mate i will be generous and forgive you if you get down on your knees" like that is a) spicy as fuck what the hell and b) going to backfire so hard

HE DID NOT JUST BOW 90 DEGREES JUST TO SPIT ON KANGHAN'S SHOES AND WALK AWAY WITH A SMIRK

he is puzzled by both sailom's actions and by what is happening inside his uniform shorts

honestly, kanghan is the villain here but i struggle to take him seriously as the bad guy because perth a) always looks like he is about five seconds away from bursting into tears and b) has bangs that form a literal heart. no matter how nasty kanghan tries to be - and he tries a lot - the inherent bitch baby-ness just shines through.

literal heart bangs what did i say

this entire car shop sequence is just pure gold for so many reasons. 1. kanghan shows up in his business leather pants looking like he walked off the set of enhypen's blessed-cursed music video and he's driving a mercedes. like honestly, with all that talk i was expecting a lamborghini. 2. sailom's boss actually like... needing some evidence instead of just bending over backwards to please a rich client 3. sailom fucking uno reversing that credit card sneak and humiliating kanghan with the smuggest lil good boy smile and THAT is why chimon is the ultimate snake-cat like he has a face made for scheming.

i am really loving sailom because he keeps his head, is really resourceful and will not take any shit. boy does not hesitate to drag this bastard for filth every chance he gets, beating kanghan in his own game without ever stepping down from the high road.

ooh, we are meeting kanghan's family and they are... both not as trash but also as trash as i expected? like i kinda thought more mafia vibes but if laws of attraction - and real life - has taught me anything it is that politicians are garbage.

on the surface his dad seems almost a jolly good fellow but the conversation with this random girl just confirmed there is something so much darker lurking under the surface. as much as it hurts to have a hyper critical parent, having one who has seemingly completely given up on you can be just as bad.

he's basically been called stupid twice in under five minutes. someone save him.

sailom will not be fooled by a shady ass phone call and neither will he leave a friend behind. this boy will not be distracted by tits with a side of toast. he is a man on a mission.

the way i gasped when i saw this court set up and i have so many questions. do the students just have a cardboard gotham in the basement or - based by the fact we see loose boxes and a shopping cart - did kanghan build this just to prove how big his dick is to sailom ???

chimon's acting is honestly a+ and he is carrying this show. the tension! the absolute rage that is bleeding through! the way he doesn't have to go big with gestures and expressions to convey everything sailom is feeling perfectly - and not just that. you know what sailom is feeling AND you can see his brain working.

kanghan, sweetie, you might want to take a moment and reflect on your obsession with getting this boy out of his clothes and making him kneel.

not gonna lie, i kinda saw this move coming because tropes but god was it satisfying :D the reactions of kanghan and sailom's friends are hilarious (10/10 i am evil tea, he totally ships it) and then the camera pans and you can see all these bystanders just standing stock still, filming giving major horror movie vibes and aaaaaaah

side notes:

i love how his best friend is just "auto." like his parents were "we are poor, naming the kid a vehicle will be fine. no need to bring brands into it."

auto's mom is an actual queen

the teachers are so fucking infuriating but also, that is kind of a sad truth? even when it's not like RICH rich people involved. like for too many adults, it is easier to it off as kids being kids and boys being boys over having to deal with the why and the parents and the drama of it all.

i was bullied in school so like this bubble tea waterboarding makes me feel some type of way? like some of the bullying is very oof-spicy-trope but a lot of it is actually cruel and i really wouldn't recommend this show to anyone who gets triggered by stuff like school violence.

[colorlesschristmastree]

I hope I’m not being annoying but I just really need to rant about my hope that SJM puts feyre in a more prominent role in the next ACOTAR book. I thought her page time was a bit disappointing but not terrible in ACOSF (I mean, ideally I want her on every page. But seeing as that book was all Nesta Nesta Nesta and hardly any Cassian even…and with how bad a book it was, I’m fine with her staying away from whatever that was). But I was heartbroken over the fact she wasn’t in HOFAS at all!? After SJM teased her being there!? I mean, I get it wasn’t a big crossover and Nesta and Azriel were the highlights. But I can’t help but feel embarrassingly bitter that Nesta was highlighted so much in ACOWAR to the point it took away a bit from Feyre’s finale; Nesta was also the topic of conversation in ACOFAS and was at least a quarter of what Feyre-and other characters-were thinking about the whole book. Then the whole of ACOSF she had a terrible arc and her head is a nasty place to be, she was horrible to feyre the whole book and had that cheap ass lame ass “savior” moment at the end… I thought we could finally be free of her and see Elain shine, and get more Feyre. But then SJM put Nesta at the center of the crossover too?? And ended it by seemingly giving Nesta even more plot for her to do next ACOTAR book??? Ugh! I’m just so mad and I feel embarrassed complaining about my favs getting less page time and someone I hate getting too much spotlight but I’m just so mad. I really sincerely hope that while they were doing the crossover in HOFAS, Feyre, Elain, and maybe even Mor were doing other things that we will see in ACOTAR. And I hope feyre gets the respect she deserves. :/

You're not being annoying at all anon! Sorry for responding to this so late. I completely understand your frustrations. It was definitely annoying when I read bits of hofas and saw that despite SJM teasing a lot more acotar character content and acting like there would be more than there is there really wasn't much at all and everything we got was boring as shit. I feel like the way she presented this book and what we got were two very different things.

I definitely agree that the amount Nesta's character is being shoved down peoples throats is getting obnoxious at this point. She got her spin off book and her little story and I really don't think she needs more. Tbh though I wouldn't be too stressed about it since SJM in recent books can't follow through on a plot to save her own life. So many things brought up in CC1 and CC2 that either went absolutely nowhere or just were lightly touched on but didn't have the important it seemed like they would. So I honestly doubt the end of hofas is going to become as massive as we think it is, more likely than not the resolution to that is going to come from a pages long info dumping session where we find out the why but it doesn't actually get it's own plot and story... I mean that's basically how 90% of the mysteries established in the prior two CC books and a bit in ACOSF were handled in HOFAS. I honestly predict the same for the next acotar book lmao.

I also super desperately miss Feyre.. she's the main character and the heart of the acotar series and honestly such a comfort! I wouldn't worry too much though babe, I mean the crossover was basically worthless and just info dumping, I'm glad Feyre wasn't involved in that mess. I still think Elain's book is going to be next and I'm excited for that, Nesta will have a role and that's whatever ig but I'm not going to let a boring character whose book was bad ruin my enjoyment of Elain's book.

The main acotar series where Feyre was still our narrator and protagonist will always be the best in my eyes and these are just spin off books that let us see her sisters stories and they aren't gonna dampen my love for the main series. I'm actually doing a reread of the main series right now with the discord server and we're just raving about how much we adore Feyre and her pov. I love how plot filled these books are, every scene and page actually feels important and contributes to the overarching plot of the book and there are no massive scenes of unnecessary info dumping like certain.. other books.

Love u nonnie and every SJM book that strays from Feyre's holy light is progressively worse written which just says something about our girls story.

[vintagepresley]

so i decided to re read “elvis and me” and i honestly don’t understand why so many people in this fandom are batshit crazy about priscilla and the book. sure, she’s done some questionable things or whatever but even reading the book for the first time, i didn’t take it as her dumping or shitting on him. she showed the highs and lows. the good and bad and whenever talking about those bad moments, she still provided context and humanized him. she talks about his insecurities, grief, the pills, etc. and how he wasn’t a bad person. he was hurting inside and that hurt revealed a completely different side of him. the love and admiration that she has for this man is so clear in the book. i wish the new movie conveyed the tone of the book and “outsiders” that have judgment towards their age gap pushed that aside before reading because i feel like they take it the wrong way too.

I have so much to say about this because I agree. I’m not even a Priscilla fan because I’m here for Elvis. That’s why you don’t see me posting or obsessing over his women. I’m not here for them. I’m here for him.

So let’s get into it.

I completely agree with what you’ve said about her book. Some people are so dramatic and crazy that they think she was just bashing him, shit talking him and how this book is just the root of all evil. That Priscilla is the root of all evil. But in reality that isn’t the case. I think people just want to pick someone to blame for his life and pick someone to blame for how people see him and their opinions on him. When at the end of the day the only person responsible for their own life was Elvis. People act like he was just this naive little baby who couldn’t think for himself. Which I find highly offensive. He was not an idiot. Truthfully, I don’t think people actually see how intelligent this man truly was. But that’s beside the point.

90% of Priscilla’s book in my opinion was her talking about how great he was and basically defending him when he was doing some fuck shit that men do. Lmfao. Then the other 10% was her basically telling people look this marriage wasn’t perfect and these things happened. Now yes.. She has backtracked certain things or reworded things because of the fact that she felt like she used the wrong words for things. (Example: when she was leaving him and he got a bit rough with her)

She says he never made love to her that rough before and now it was different than any other time. She never said he assaulted her. People read that and made that assumption and have not circulated it into the world. She just said he was rough. Yeah, some people may look at that and think “oh, he SA’ed her” but that is not what I took from that when I read it. I didn’t automatically assume that. My mind didn’t even think about that. To me I was reading about man who was hurt, embarrassed and angry his wife was leaving him.

Now.. We all take this boon and take from it what we will and see it as we do. When I’ve read the book I did not feel like she made him look like a monster at all. I actually really loved the book and as I’ve said before.. It made me see the human side of Elvis. Someone who wasn’t perfect like people seem to think. (Stop putting him on a pedestal) Someone who struggled, someone who hurt, someone who got frustrated and angry. Human fucking things. Any book I’ve read after that it’s also opened my eyes more to who he truly was as person. Not this “king” or a “god”. He was just a regular person.

I do truly feel like people really get dramatic and over exaggerate things when it comes to this book. I don’t know why people act like there hasn’t been other books that have written pages of his flaws. I don’t see anyone going out being justice warriors against those?

I agree. Sofia’s movie was a piece of shit. She purposely made it feel like there was no love, no anything. She made their relationship feel cold and loveless. When that was the opposite. It may not have been true love but he cared for that woman. Even after they were divorced and there’s proof because it comes directly from Elvis’s mouth! He still invited her to shows and shouting her out to the crowd. Telling stories about how they still buy each other gifts. Like he did not hate this woman. I know so many people hope that he did. It’s sad people only post the negative things said about their marriage from some of his friends. But don’t post the positive things said by his friends and his maids and the things he did for her and his feelings. Because as I stated in another post these people love to backtrack things and change stories.

Anyway, this has been long enough. All I have to say to close this out is the main reason I don’t speak on the women is because I don’t have a right to. I don’t have a place to be talking about him and his relationships and voicing my opinion and saying who’s his true love and who’s not. That’s weird behavior to me. We don’t know who his true love is or if he ever found it. We don’t know how he felt.

Thats not to say that I agree with things some of the women have done or said because none of them are perfect and most of them have done their fair share of things that aren’t really respectful to Elvis. Because no one is perfect. But that doesn’t mean one fucking person is the root of all evil and it also doesn’t mean everyone is completely innocent. That goes for anyone in his life. The Colonel included. 🙃

[artificialgrinder]

THE DARK SEEPING IN (BRATZ FASHION PIXIEZ REIMAGINING) CH. 7

Breeana and the girls prepare for the upcoming Magnolia Ball, surprised to find Cymbeline has flaked out.

AN: Okay, so this one is kinda shorter so I apologise! The next one will be longer however, I promise. Also, I just want to say, I noticed the increase in traffic on this story and I really appreciate everyone's kind comments! Thank you so so much, you're all so sweet.

Breeana really wanted to stop in the hall and just ask Dylan outright. She  really  wanted to. But with all those people around…And the fact she had already missed so many chances…

And the fact she had other matters to tend to, there was no point.

Her stomach was still in knots since fleeing the cafeteria like that, especially knowing many people probably saw the dramatics. From their perspective, she imagined it was like something out of a teen movie or a soap opera. 

Fortunately, Felicia was kind enough to walk with her all the way from the school, all the way to the town centre. The other girl lived in that area anyway, which was a win-win for both parties.

"You meeting your sister here?" Felicia had asked to which Breeana said yes. 

But that was a lie. She knew Cymbeline wasn't going to show up. 

Now pinning fake flowers to a vine-covered lamp post, she thought of all the things her sister could have been doing at that present moment. 

Funny how weeks prior, Cymbeline could have torn the house down with her ranting of how the organisation for the Magnolia Ball was. She needed all the help she could get to bring it all together. And now that preparations were well underway, what with everyone gathered in the town centre setting up the scenery, Breeana still wasn't surprised Cymbeline flaked out.

"What's up, bitch?"

The voice caught her off guard, turning to see Yasmin approaching with a folded banner in her hand. "Sorry about earlier. You know, the cafeteria. I mean, I don't know why you got up and left like that, but sorry anyway."

Breeana blinked, unsure of what to say. "Oh, um. Sorry about that. I just…had bad cramps."

"Ugh, I feel that." Yasmin stroked Breeana's shoulder. "Fuck having a uterus."

Breeana managed a breath of a laugh. "Yeah, for real."

Then Cloe came next. "Hey, guys!" She hurried over, holding a small object in her hand, "Look! It's a petal. It fell from the tree. Like, wow!"

"Never change, angel." Yasmin rolled her eyes yet smiled.

"Hey, ladies!" Yet another voice came. Sasha and Jade were now joining the equation. Breeana's stomach churned. Of all of Cymbeline's friends, she always found both Jade and Sasha to be the more upfront ones. And she knew what was to come.

"So we got the music line-up from the DJ. It's gonna pop." Sasha waved the piece of paper in front of Yasmin's face.

The Latina took the list, her eyes scanning it. "Nice mix. Current tracks with some '80s and '90s. Just getting the nostalgia in there."

Cloe peeked over Yasmin's shoulder, also analysing the words on the paper. "Oh my God, yes. They got Spice Girls on there! Can we all recreate that act we used to do in kindergarten?"

"You still remember that?" Jade blew out a cloud of smoke, having pulled out her vape.

"Um, yeah? It was only like, uh, one of our most iconic moments ever," Cloe said as if it should have been a given. "Cymbeline and I know it off by heart still."

And there it was, the invitation to the topic. If only Breeana had just run away.

"Where is Cymbeline anyway?" Sasha's eyes scanned the square.

"Oh, shit. I didn't even realise." Cole shrugged.

Breeana turned back to the lamp post, starting to decorate in the hopes the older girls would just take this discussion elsewhere.

"I don't know why you're all acting brand new and surprised." Yasmin unfolded her banner just to fold it back up. "Kinda knew she wasn't coming, what with her being so busy around her girlfriend these days."

"Bitch, are you crazy? Her Dad funds this shit. She organises everything. It's, like, her life's mission to make this shit a success!" Jade ranted.

"Unless something came up?" Sasha shrugged, then peered past Yasmin to the youngest Devlin. "You know where she at, Bree'?"

"Fuck, I," Breeana faked a sigh, "I'm not sure. I mean…I think she's on her period or something. She had to go home real quick."

"Oh, shit. You're both synced. You guys must be witches," Cloe suggested with a giggle.

"Haha. Yeah."

"No - No - No. Seriously," Sasha waved her hand around, not in favour of the distraction, "Cymbeline would never let a period stop her from doing shit. She would - - Fuck, we have a party tonight. You gonna tell me next that she ain't going to that?"

And Breeana panicked, "I-I don't know. She hasn't really - -"

"Tone it down, Bunny Boo," Cloe put a calming hand on Sasha's shoulder. "It's not that big of a deal."

The flared-up girl turned back to Cloe with a raised brow. There was something in her eyes as if telepathically communicated to Cloe. But all that left her mouth was, "Alright. Cool."

That should have relaxed the younger Devlin sister. But she wasn't dumb enough to miss the insincerity in Sasha's voice.

"Let's just finish decorating. We still gotta get ready for tonight," Yasmin then looked at Breeana, " You  coming later?"

"I actually wasn't invited to whatever it is," Breeana said, sounding more sorry for herself than she meant to.

"Viper's party," Sasha said like it was common knowledge.

"Viper?"

"You know, Cade." She elaborated.

"His birthday party at  Basement.  Koby's band's playing," Jade added.

"And Cymbeline would never miss a Blaze gig," Sasha just had to go on, much to Breeana's dismay.

" Sasha ," Cloe said more sternly.

"Yeah, come on, bitch. Let's just…get this shit done and go get ready." Yasmin steered Sasha away, nodding apologetically to the younger girl.

There were a few murmurs amongst Cymbeline's friends, but Breeana paid no heed. She had a job to do. A job her sister was once so passionate about.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You sure you don't wanna come, Bree'?"

"I just wasn't invited in the first place, you know?" Breeana explained on the phone, rubbing moisturiser all over her face and neck. When Dylan's name appeared on her phone, her stomach flipped, practically jumping into her throat. But how could she ignore this opportunity?

"Girl, everybody is invited. Coulda just showed up, you feel?"  Dylan continued. There was the sound of him drinking from a bottle and the music thumping in the background. Very Oliver Tree-type beats.

"Yeah, but still. I don't know. Social anxiety and all," Breeana blushed, scooping the phone up to her ear, turning speaker mode off. Venturing out of her bathroom, she flopped down on the bed. "I know it's not a huge issue, but…my brain just doesn't work that way, you know?"

"Yeah, I feel. Cloe used to be like that. But having those other girls around her, it kinda just brought out the side she always wanted everybody to see, you know?" 

"Yeah…"  Easier said than done, though,  Breeana refrained from saying. "Are they there?" She asked for no reason in particular.

"Nah, ain't seen them around. They better show up soon. Cameron is hounding me so much, already asking where Blondie is. What about your sister and her gothy lady friend. Are they on route?" 

Breeana sighed, hoping it wasn't heard. “Cymbeline’s just…exhausted and, you know - -”

"Don't worry, I know what you're saying. Well, shit. Next time there's a party, you can be my plus one, right?" 

Breeana flushed, allowing a smile to appear on her face. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, girl. It would be the highlight of my year, honestly.

"You drunk, Dyl'?"

"Not at all."

Breeana giggled. "Okay. Yeah, sure. I'll be your plus one."

"Sick." 

Breeana could just hear the smile in his voice. Fuck, everything about this boy just had her melting.

"I saw you in the hall earlier, by the way. I was gonna talk to you, but that bitch ass Zach got in my way."  Dylan sipped from whatever he was drinking.

And Breeana knew what was coming. But now, she was less on edge.

Well, that was until she heard the clacking of heels.

 "I was supposed to ask earlier."

Cymbeline zoomed passed Breeana's bedroom door, clearly in a hurry.

"What did you want to say in the cafeteria?"

It was now or never. "Hang on, Dylan. I gotta go. I'll call you back."

Before she could give in to his protests, she hung up.

Breeana breathed in deeply. She got up off her bed and followed her sister.

[abbysreverie]

THE BEST THE 1975 ALBUM

I like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it (2016)

This was the era where I was able to fully anticipate anything from The 1975 and it was one of the most special moments of my life. This was the time where I must say my musical preferences have fully awakened. The 1975 and Dirty Hit did so sooo good in this era. From the aesthetic visual teasers to actual promotions to the production with their live stages on tour, everything was beautiful. I still love ILIWYS’s neon lights visualizers better than the theatrical stage set-up of BFIAFL. The setlist too was much better even if we’re talking about songs only from their first 2 albums released, we’re still beyond satisfied then.

Fave tracks:

Somebody Else (obviously, who doesn’t love this song?)

Paris (i just love the vibe, nothing personal)

Iliwys (i would sacrifice my life just to hear this live!!!)

Notes on A Conditional Form (2020)

Now NOACF was something else. This came out during the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic and I couldn’t thank my boys enough for saving my life back then. Everyone was still in shock and filled with anxiety because of the virus but The 1975’s NOACF came to rescue me from that. It was jam packed with so many good tracks, all of them were no skip for me. Apparently, NOACF carries my most fave song from the whole discography of The 1975—perhaps of all time, and nothing’s taking its place still even after BFIAFL’s release ‘cause let’s be real, BFIAFL in general is just isn’t it. Just me? Alright, no sweat. But I guess I really took a step back from them because I expected too much from it but just ended up kinda disappointed instead.

Anyway..

Fave tracks:

Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy) (this bad boy holds the crown as my ultimate fave The 1975 song. And the fact that Rome also worked on this song makes it extra special for me. The melodic run is what attracted me to this song, it was a mix of late 90’s pop, alternative R&B and neo soul. Matty said it was their first pastiche-y song since it’s like a mixture of samples. Matty also shared that he considers this song as the “anomaly one” off of the whole album because of how experimental it is. But I don’t really care, to me it’s fun and very satisfying to listen to and it’s absolutely beyond perfection)

Then Because She Goes (i understood why they made it a short song, like Roadkill. i just have a strong feeling they’d make a part 2 of them lol)

Yeah I Know (i was literally bopping and whispering “tf is this” at the same time when i first heard this song. it was like some sort of spiritual awakening and i enjoyed it very much. hit that shit, go hit that shit SUPREMACY)

P.S. Their self-titled Album is already a given. I mean, nothing beats the OG. Most of my favorite songs of them you will basically find in the self-titled album. The 1975 was like the soundtrack of my pre-college arc, like my anxiety was lessened because of how I discovered The 1975 on the summer of 2014, when there was literally a lot going on in my life. My family moving in to another city while I was still emotionally and mentally preparing for college was kinda stressful tbh, and I thank The 1975 for giving me the energy and for keeping me motivated during that time… yeah..so that’s it i guess..

[darckcarnival]

Get To Know The Mun!

> BASICS! ♡

NAME: Spoop, Splat, D, Darck (peeps usually call my my main muses names except Spoop, I am the spoopiest.)

PRONOUNS: Any! I merely exist.

ZODIAC SIGN: Sagittarius/Capricorn

TAKEN OR SINGLE: Single but married to food.

> THREE FACTS! ♡

Have been writing since the 90's when I was a wee child. Did silly little roleplaying on mIRC, on some forums, and deviant art back in the day there after. Then became a fanfic writer for a while, followed by poems which I was quite good at back in the day. Then began making lyrics- figured nah, not for me. And flipped full circle back into roleplaying once more with some drabbles and maybe a one shot fic here and there. Have been writing ever since! So I have a LOT of history under my belt. And many of my muses have the same type of dedication and time behind them. Gotta put as much love into your character and writing, as if they were your own family. Make them feel alive.

Most art I do is either writing, 3D model modification items, or just with a mouse and keyboard art. I have been practicing more with a gifted tablet and pen, which has allowed me to do more detailed and serious mod work, such as mods for RE4 classic! But I am much better at texture, 3D, or coloring and shading. But heres the fun fact: i learned all my 3D and texture work skills through Second Life before anything else. And it's actually, funny enough, helped me bring muses to life as well as follow up on how to mod other games and go hog wild.

Been struck by lightning twice, fell down two different cliffs, hit by a semi truck, shot with a carbon arrow in the chest, stabbed, shot by bullet, and so on- and yet here I stand. Most of these events were completely accidental as well, and I walked away from. Honestly? I'm just a walking glitch in the matrix of the world, considering I also glitch every single god damn game I touch. THIS IS NOT A JOKE, NO MATTER HOW NEW IT IS, I BREAK IT.

> EXPERIENCE! ♡

PLATFORMS USED: AIM, Yahoo Messenger, DA chat, so many FORUM's back in the day. Skype, Discord, Tumblr.

PLOTTING / WINGING IT / MEMES: Geez, I can roll with just about anything. Plotting? Hell yeah count me in! Plots may not always follow the idea one hundred percent, but it absolutely makes for longer events and threads easily. Winging it? I do that all the damn time and can create so many unexpected events, as well as sudden character development. Twists and turns that just wing a rough idea into something wild. As for Memes and asks? Oh those can still form some really good interactions, character developments or knowledge acquiring moments. Sometimes these are one offs or long drabbles- but they can form into something longer and more serious. However, while I am down for all of the above-- I also have bad ADHD and writing can be hard, so it could take a while.

> MUSE PREFERENCE! ♡

GENDER: I can write just about any gender character, manage things in between or none. However I am more comfortable with female centric style muses. And yet, you put large men in my hands, and watch them go hog fucking wild. And don't even get be started on Robots or Monsters.

MULTI OR SINGLE: I have done both, but usually prefer single muse blogs. And yet I absolutely love my megaman multimuse to death! All my robot children and heathens there, so much work in my own verse there. So many thoughts. But multimuse blogs can still be difficult to keep organized with so much going on in the braincell, and with life being as it is, need to take breaks from it.

LEAST FAVOURITE FACECLAIM(S): Not sure what this means for least favorite here, does it mean people, or genre? I really don't mind one way or another. Especially when it comes to OC's, it's hard to find anyone who fits just right for people. And honestly I do not mind one way or another for people. If it fits someones muse, that's fine by me.

> FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡

FLUFF: THE GOOD SHIT HELL YEAH. I'm down for fluff so long as it isn't like... Hollow and forced. Fluff can be used as a great comfort option,. be it platonic, familial, friendly, or even romantic. Fluff can be used in so very many ways, and it's always an option withy me. But this can also turn into angst easily with my cursed hands, you have been warned. As well as comedic timing, since Darck needs to make a laugh to make herself comfortable. Darck has... problems.

ANGST: My bread and butter this one, much to the dismay of many of my friends who write with me. The muse on this blog is made of angst and pain and terrible events that have formed her into who she is. Angst can become violence, woe, heavy conversation, as well as venting- it's such a key part of development. There is a saying I quite enjoy: Muses are like geodes. Shiny, pretty, and in order to see what they are really made of, you must break them. I do admit however that I have a limit of how far I can go to a degree, with real life being a thing, but honestly? It takes a whole fucking lot to get there. And also maybe write angst too much and tragedy. Give this muse some better days.

SMUT: As much as I have enjoyed smut in the past, I haven't written such in a very long time, and am very careful of whom I write such with. Turns out I really good at smut according to others. And hey fun fact: People used to straight up pay me to write them smut of their characters and others of their choice. Haven't had that going in years but, it was a thing. However these days, writing smut with my muses needs to be more than just the event. It can be an opening for vulnerability, letting someone get close enough and trust them enough, that no one else really gets. Quiet and heavy conversations, the emotions involved. But if I ever do write it again, both my self and my partner need to be comfortable with writing such a thing. However if I ever did smut in a private drabble or fanfic, then all bets are off, because that's different. But far more rare.

Tagged by: @valour-bound

Tagging: You see this? IM TAGGING YOU. Do it.

[topgunruinedme]

Doing it like this because of annon 😁

What ship would you like to see more often?  Hollywolf and Floydsinshaw!!

What’s a rare ship that you enjoy that’s not seen often? I don't know if this counts, but a while ago I read a Omegaverse fic where Jester had a mate, Vinny and they where so cute together. Kinda like grumpy x sunshine trope and I absolutely love it. (But it was mostly about IceMav)

What’s your favourite of my fics? I am absolutely obsessed with your Less Than Achievable series on Ao3. I literally cannot wait for more.

What do you enjoy the most (genre, whump, love, affection/Platonic, etc)? I love everything that has the '86 class and dagger squad family theme. And I love the 'Mav has to raise baby Bradley but the '86 class + Viper & Jester show up one day and won't leave so they're stuck with them and everyone argues who's Bradley's favorite'.

How are you guys?  Kinda shitty tbh 🥲 I'm just back from a sort school trip that took two days where you learn about being in a team and stuff. We had a whole day outside with way to many snow and it was cold and boring. And when we went back to the train station, I got carsick (actually bus sick because we where in a bus) and then when we had to switch trains I threw up on the platform when everyone was leaving the train and everyone stared at me (also people from my school) and I was so embarrassed.

Tell me a fun fact about yourself?  -I'm from the Netherlands. -I have a cat without a tail. -I have celiac disease. -I'm trying to write a book, but I'm failing horribly and thinking about giving up. -I buy more books than that I read. -I read a unhealthy amount of fluff and smut because i've been single for way to long. -Last week my ex broke up with me through a text and then I found out that he has been cheating on me with my (ex) best friend for the past 2 months.

-🦊

Foxie!

I was just thinking about you.

I would be happy to write some more Hollywolf and Floydsinshaw. I admit they are not ships I typically go to but I can certainly experiment with them.

haha i can defiantly have a look into character like Jester and Viper if you want some moody old men content.

You'll be happy to know that I'm just waiting for my Beta to sign off for my next chapter of Less Than Achievable, I'm hoping to have it out soon.

Fun fact, that series was only meant to be 7 chapters long, were now at chapter 6 and I have a lot to cover yet. So many idea's running through my head.

I really like this idea, 'Mav has to raise baby Bradley but the '86 class + Viper & Jester show up one day and won't leave so they're stuck with them and everyone argues who's Bradley's favorite'. I'm sort of attempting something similar with my Dagger Daycare series. I've never explored it before it came to me on a whim but I'm really enjoying writing the series so I hope to continue with the 1986 flyboy and Bradley/ daggers family theme.

I'm, so sorry to hear that life's kind of shit at the moment. I'm sorry that you found your camp boring (i was never one for camp either, I was the weird kid in the corner playing with toads). I used to get really badly car sick so I know exactly how bad that feels. I've thrown up on so many people that the embarrassment eventually fades. My class had a bingo card at one point after I vomited on my Principle (Twice). Let me know if I can do anything to help you through it or make it more manageable!

Oh I thought about visiting the Netherlands this year, its a beautiful country. I love cats but unfortunately I'm allergic to them which is very sad instead I own a very dumb but lovable dog who I Absolutely love. Don't worry start a book is hard work and it will come with a lot of failure. But that only builds the platform to success. Don't give up! there will be many first drafts before your final. 90% of the time you will want to give up, its a struggle. But trust me if you push through it, its worth it. It took me a long time to feel satisficed with what I was writing. One book I wrote when I was younger I absolutely hated to the bottom of my heart and yet it became one of my most popular. It takes patience and dedication, I believe if you want it hard enough and your willing to work for it you will do just fine. (Let me know/send me through a private message if you want any advice or help/ or just have a conversation about anything (e.g. the weather) I'm free and open to anything. I enjoy talking to you guys).

I defiantly buy far more books then I read. I tend to buy a book every time I go out.

I read far to much fanfiction, I can go through few hundred story's a day. I believe I've lead at least 95% of the top fanfiction at this rate.

Personally, your ex wasn't worth his title if he's going to break up with you in such an immature way. He didn't deserve you! Especially if he thought cheating on you with a friend was a good idea. You beast friend doesn't deserve her title as well. I'm glad you've dumped them both, go out a treat yourself a bit. You deserve to be happy and positive. Try going out on a walk by yourself, just listen to the nature around you. Try some mediation. Take this time to learn about yourself, what your needs are and find your inner calm. If you can understand what you need, then you can find friends who will accept you for who you are without asking you to change. You should never change yourself to fit someone else's needs.

Take care of yourself Foxie.

I'm happy to report that I have recently been working on your Wolfman/Oc nurse request. I honestly didn't expect to have this much fin writing this request I only intended it to be a 1-2k at most but it seams my mind has gotten away from me...

[demcnsinmymind]

@kxllerblond​ asked: #6, #13, #15 | Questions for Problematic/Villain muses | Always Open!

6. Do they automatically assume certain people are lesser than them?

Lance: Certainly. In different ways though. He likes to do this stuff sarcastically all the time, especially in his job. He’ll shit talk other productions and professionals like there’s no tomorrow. Also people that he secretly looks up to and adores. It’s mostly done to prop himself further up and as a stupid way of showing actual respect. Because 90 per cent of the time, he won’t and can’t tell people how much he adores or respects them for the life of him. Which is funny, given how much he usually values given it to people straight.

Him seriously assuming certain people are lesser than him though? Pre!canon: not really. He’s keeping his distance from most people usually and isn’t much of a compassionate people person, but he does believe in people being equal regardless of any defining factors/groups/whatnot. Live and let live so to say. Post!canon: The second he catches wind of someone being an abuser in any shape or form, he considers them less than filth. In a way, he thought that way before canon too because it’s always bad, but he’ll have a  much more visceral reaction to that type of thing post canon. He utterly loathes evil, vile people and monsters.

Azzy: Given its chaotic nature and ‘godliness’, yes, it absolutely automatically assumes that not just certain people, but everyone and everything is lesser than it. It has no sense of kinship, worship or belonging whatsoever, so it’ll gladly regard anyone and anything as less than itself.

 13. When it comes to your muses love ones, are they the exception to their behavior or are they also treated poorly?

Lance: It depends on the intensity of the relationship. If they’re just a ‘friend’ then chances are, Lance will treat them somewhat poorly. That was fairly obvious in canon, too. In the way he treated Houston or even Matt and Sasha at times, with little regard for their feelings and fears at first. And to a lesser extend with my headcanon about his dad, where even though he loved him in his own way, he also wasn’t really there when he was sick and dying. His go to standard of reacting to things is with sarcasm and annoyance. He’s not a very loving, open and friendly person off camera and at first glance, even though that’s not entirely true and mostly a barrier he’s put up to keep people at bay.

If he cares very strongly about someone though? Like his mom for example, or people like Sasha? It’s like a 90° turn. He’ll be very kind, gentle and supportive and will not hide his affection and thoughts at all.

Azzy:

I portray it in a way that yes, there are glimpses of that with it. Obviously in my OC canon, it is very much obsessed with Lance. And he is the exception to its usual “you’re all insects” philosophy. It cares about him in its own twisted way. I’m not at all denying that it’s bad for him and treating him poorly though. I mean, taking away someone’s control and agency at times is as fucked up as it can be. However, it has its moments. I portray it in a way that it would never gravelly physically harm or torture him and would never let him die or get gravely injured. In fact, it will react violently to anyone attempting that. Also, unlike Friedkin and the 40s staff, it’s making sure that he’s at least somewhat comfortable, gets okay enough sleep and enough food and shelter. The mere basics so to say. It’s not beyond stealing stuff for him either. So it’s most definitely making some exceptions for him specifically, because it is very much interested in keeping him alive and going for it. HOWEVER. It most certainly is treating him poorly too as in that it likes to keep him suffering on a mental level so it can keep itself fed.

15. Do you think your muse needs to pay for all that they've done?

I honestly don’t. For both of them. Lance especially though. At least not in the way he was made to pay in canon. He’s obviously done some shitty things. Like lying, bribing and disregarding some very fair points from his crew as well as their safety. A fair way would’ve been for his show to flop and for him to get a good reality and ego check that way. But psychological torture? Kidnapping? Starvation and a freaking lobotomy? He did not at all deserve such harsh ‘punishment’, and I think he’s paid for a lifetime with all the physical and mental trauma he’s been put through. I also don’t think he’d deserve to go to prison for having committed a murder. He’s a victim through and through. He deserves redemption and a reward for it all instead. Especially considering the main post!canon verses where he’s actively trying to be a better person.

And even Azzy, I don’t think it needs to pay for its nature. It’s not entirely nefarious, villainous and outright evil. I’m portraying it as an entirely chaotic wildcard that does things for the heck of it and because it’s almost childishly curious and ‘delighted’ by everything. Like a toddler that’s playing with nukes. I also always like to stress that it got Lance out of his fucked up situation in my headcanon and is literally keeping him alive, even if it’s for its own parasitic needs.

[navree]

Just wanted to say how much i love how you write talia!! it feels like it's been impossible to find fics with her that aren't filled with the same racist bullshit writing she's been stuck in comic since grant morrison ik you havent written her much but it's just nice to read a jason fic that isn't insane about her!

Oh thank you so much!

Yeah a lot of Talia's modern portrayals really piss me off and I honestly just reject a lot of it, there's no universe in which I'm gonna agree with the decision to have her rape both Bruce and Jason ("oh amelie it was consensual" a very adult woman fucking a sixteen year old who is not only not in his right mind but entirely reliant on her for his very survival is in no way consensual shut the fuck up), especially with the tropes surrounding hypersexualizing brown women that those kinds of things rely on.

The thing about Talia is that you can absolutely write her with some moral ambiguity because it's there. It is not a good thing that Talia faked a miscarriage and then lied to her partner about them having a child for ten years, that's a shitty thing to do. It's also not a good thing that Talia was aware that someone's kid, who was presumed death and whose presumed death had a very obvious negative impact on his parent, is actually alive, especially when the withholding of that information caused a great amount of further pain not only to the parent but to the kid as well (girlie please explain why you couldn't at any point just call Bruce and tell him that his son whose murder left him both homicidal and suicidal is in fact alive again if a bit brain damaged, it's not hard). It's not a good thing to raise your kid into what essentially amounts to a cult with no meaningful contact with half of his family for the most formative years of his life. Talia has operated in ways that have hurt people, in ways that have promoted her own interests at the expense of others. Acting the way that she did has in fact caused harm to people like Bruce and Jason and Damian. She's made bad choices, cruel choices even, either through a lack of care or straight up malice at times.

But that doesn't make her evil, that makes her human. And that doesn't make her a monster. Talia did not have Jason's best interests at heart during like 90% of the whole resurrection thing, yeah, but that's a human thing to do. My own mother has, on occasion, acted in ways that clearly weren't beneficial to me and caused me damage (my mother and I are cool don't worry we're very close). It doesn't make her a monster to him or any less of a caretaker during his vulnerable moments, even in spite of that. Talia's bad acts in her life doesn't take away from her love for Bruce, her love for her son, the fact that she did care about Jason and clearly held enough of an affection for him to at least want him to live, even if she made bad choices along the way in that regard. Nor does it erase from the other elements of her character, like her own motivations and her pacifism and the way she's got a much firmer moral compass than her father and her own ambitions for life. But the horrendous writing she's gotten, which I complained about towards the end here, means that it all gets swept away for "exotic sexy brown lady who's also Crazy And Evil". And for someone who has been such a major part of the Batman mythos for such a long time, who has such close ties to a lot of major Batman characters, who is the mother of the current Robin, it's vile that writers don't want to give her any care or consideration and fall back on laziness when depicting her.

I just deeply despise the way that the Al Ghuls' status as "antagonists" gets twisted into straight villains that enables writers to give some truly awful, racist characterization to Talia specifically that's filled with xenophobia and misogyny that flies in the face of a significant portion of her character before this shit got out of hand. But I also really resent the way fandom tends to overcorrect for that and just kind of turn her into this really flat character that is also incredibly at odds with who she's been in her history. Like, there is a reason why, in the fic you're talking (which I assume is this one because I don't think I've had any other fics wiht Talia in them), Talia being all "Jason you're good at killing" isn't framed as a good thing in his mind or something that brings him peace, but her just trying to care about and for him in the best way that she knows how. I'd like for fandom to allow Talia her ambiguity and her humanity back (and for people to allow characters to have complicated feelings about her, especially Jason and I'm not just saying that because of my belief that the "talia is jason's mom" thing is disrespectful to Catherine Todd). Editorial and fandom alike are able to acknowledge that characters like Bruce and his family are complex humans, Talia should be afforded that same dignity in both canon and transformative works.

But aside from my ranting, this was really sweet anon, thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the story, I wrote 90% of it really late at night the evening before I published it so I'm really happy you liked it enough to come here and talk to me about it.

[nathank77]

6/9/24

6:53 p.m

People may wonder why I went through the attic to grab like 6 pairs of skinny jeans and one pair of volcom shorts. And I was looking for my size 32 volcom swim shorts they are plain black like the ones pictured below (but those are fox) but i couldn't find them. Well it's cause I'm poor. That's the reason I dug through a mess of dust and got dry mouth and am suffering a slight depression bc of seeing the state my stuff was in. I got a lot of those pants from savers. I think most of them but the DC ones someone got me for Christmas. I think my aunt. And the levis.

Either way, it's bc I'm poor and I prob spent 100$ or more on the collection of pants. Although that's not a lot when some jeans can cost 60$ and I mean I could replace them at savers. Two pairs of those Levi I bought from Macy's I think for like 30$ each at least... and the American eagle and bullhead were from savers. The bullhead dillions aren't being made anymore which is why they are one of a kind. So actually adding this together between the levis and the bullhead, volcom regular shorts and the American eagle it's about 90-100$ in pants..

That's why I didn't just buy new ones, throw in the fact that I don't know what's going on with my thyroid. Am I Hypo? Or is 180 my true size on this diet? Am I going to stay in size 32 or am I going to go back to 36-38? It's a lot to gamble spending money on stuff when you're poor and your size is Questionable. Some people spend their whole life being thin. Never fluctuating. Some people stay like 180-200 their whole life and they don't have to worry about what if I buy these in small and can only wear them for 6 months?

That's what I have to worry about. Cause I've never been consistently one weight. I've always fluctuated between like 175-200, that range is enough to make clothes shopping a disaster when you're losing weight and gaining weight due to treating your thyroid.

The volcom swim shorts are plain black and nothing special but they were special to me bc I wore than at my skinniest... and I wanted to find them so badly but I can't, I know they are somewhere up there but where? And how bad does my allergies have to get to go up there to get them? It's not worth it. At least I got my skinny jeans ranging from 34 waist to 31... I had 36s already down here and I have a pair of 38s that are and were like garbage bags... I got to get a pair of those in skinny jeans so I can at least have something I'd wear if that happens again....

Anyways I decided to shop around for swim shorts in 32 cause if I'm being real the volcom ones were plain and I could find something much nicer. So I did, these camo fox ones I LOVE. But they are fucking 60$..... this is why I keep fat clothes, skinny clothes and medium clothes in the attic and why it's so depressing that all my shit got ruined. Cause I'll always be a fluctuatiator.... I mean even if I am going Hypo and go into remission 2/3 people go hyper again.

Even if I'm the 1/3 of people I mean if I ever find a girlfriend and a family and she likes to cook. She will fatten me up. My diet at the moment if I stay normal for my thyroid I will stay at whatever my true weight is. My thyroid throws me through a loop. And it's true if I find a girl and a family, a dad bod will likely become a thing even if I stay in remission... just one meal at 1000 calories can make me get up to 200 pounds lol

So yea this is why this poor person dug through the attic. I fucking love these camo swim shorts but for fucking 60$ in a size 32 which could be a couple month thing a couple years max.... that's the sad part... it's like yea I want them if money was no issue I'd buy them but I fluctuate a lot. Also I prob won't find a girl but I could be hyper.. I doubt it but that's the problem with my thyroid.

Beyond that- I bought XL Under Armour boxer briefs that felt a little tight just a little. I spent like 130$ on them. Then I bought 2XL Under Armour boxer briefs another 130$. They were so comfy and then they turned into boxers instead of briefs bc of weight loss and the XL are still a little tight but not really. Just not as comfy in the waist. So this is why I don't want to buy clothes until I stay normal with my thyroid and find my true size and then stay there for a while.

Not to mention I got to buy that frame for my masters of science cause I want to hang it up. And cbd costs an arm and a leg... so I mean money is tight.

I'd buy these in 32, but am I going to be a 32 for long? Will I get thinner? I mean I have 4 pairs of swim shorts, 38, 36, 34, and 34s... variety of sizes for a reason. It may be 38, 36, 36, 34. But yea the black ones I won't buy but I'm trying to remind myself the volcom ones in the attic are basically the same as these and although I want them and replacing them would cost me 60$ I mean, I could find a better pair. One of kind ones.... despite not having the funds to pay for them:

[tacticalvalor]

«────── « HEADCANON » ──────»

A collection of things I've noticed and wanted to highlight during the airing of the final season. Put below a cut for potentially upsetting topics and S6 spoilers.

Okay so, organizing this by character—

Kim being terrified of talking to Jimmy when he calls her. Like. Actually scared of how egotistical he is and how much of a risk even listening to him puts her in.

Kim trying to live a genuinely normal life (partner, involved with neighbors, etc.)

See also: Said partner not being into their devil’s tango and just “yeup. yeup. yeup.” while banging Kim.

See also also: “ I don’t know what kind of life you’re living but it can’t be worth much ”

Kim returning to ABQ and the courthouse and offering to come forward.

KIM TELLING CHERYL EVERYTHING TO TURN HERSELF IN.

Kim sobbing on the bus… unable to hold it back and just breaking down… Oh my god I cried. She’s so traumatized from everything and now she has to relive it all.

The fact the way she served the divorce papers means that Kim has tried to petition for a divorce for months, if not years, and he literally danced circles around it until she came to his office in person to re-sign it and make him sign.

See also: Him interrupting her every question he asks to intimidate her and guilt her.

See also also: “ Have a nice life, Kim :) ” and, once again, jabbing at her to make her feel bad for an autonomous decision.

Jesse and Kim smoking outside of Saul’s office… Him asking about how good Saul is… Kim just “ When I knew him, he was. ”

LIFE PLUS 190 YEARS… Holy shit. And the offer?? 30 years??? That’s golden. AND THEN MANAGING TO GO EVEN FURTHER TO 85 TO 90 MONTHS?? TO 7.5 YEARS???

“Quantum mechanics? We’re discussing that now?? Stay in your lane!”

Kim’s dress and sneakers combo >>>

Kim volunteering at a legal counsel service 🥺😭 She wants to help people again…

Kim attending Saul’s trial as a part of the audience… Wanting to see one last time what he’s willing to do/if he can do the right thing.

KIM’S FACE WHEN HE ADMITS HIS FAULTS… JUST 😨 BECAUSE SHE’S NEVER HEARD HIM SO HONEST BEFORE

KIM REACTING TO SAUL ACTUALLY DEFENDING HER… THE FACT SHE’S SURPRISED OVER IT. A LOT TO UNPACK THERE.

The fact Kim conned her way into federal prison to visit his sorry ass.

When you,,, when,,,, visiting and the,, the cigarette,,,, sharing one last moment,,, Kim walking away for that last time and leaving him to face the consequences for God knows how many years

And then thinking about all of this in retrospect, the idea that Kim is so willing to do everything for Jimmy during the events in which everything happens (and how much she's grown to be able to pull off that last con of sneaking in before finally turning her back).

Like, thinking back to the apartment scene with Lalo, Jimmy (for several reasons summed up as his own cowardice and quick thinking) made her into a sacrificial lamb in the apartment scene.

He told Lalo that KIM was capable of murdering the target (re: Gus, most likely unknown to the duo given the limited extent of their interactions with Lalo). He convinced Lalo to let HER go carry out the hit, knowing that:

If he left Kim with Lalo, he could have killed her.

If he let Kim carry out the hit, she could die (presumably known but still a possibility considering what they do know about Lalo), go to the police, or run away entirely.

And, in the whim of the moment, he was right. Kim WAS capable of it because it gave her the possibility of saving Jimmy. Kim has literally said herself that she has and is willing to drop everything for this man:

“ Jimmy! I have been on your side since the day we met! Who comes running when you call? Who cleans up your messes? I have a job, but I drop everything for you. Every single time. You confess to a felony on tape, I’m there. You have a bar hearing, I represent you. Over and over again, if you need me, I’m there. ”

And it’s just… It’s amazing. It’s true! And I think a lot of her reasoning, aside from trying to see the good in everyone, is because she’s so used to this kind of stuff.

We don’t see a lot of her mother, but from the flashbacks we have, Mrs. Wexler and Jimmy (or rather, his sleazy persona, Saul) are effectively two sides of the same coin. She was raised by someone like Jimmy so, to an extent, there’s that internal justification of the things he does. It’s an illustrative case of how vital of a role parent modeling plays within the family dynamic.

Going to apply some of my own academics into this unintentional rambling, but I’ll try to keep it brief.

Modeling is the presentation and observation of behaviors, whether desired or undesired. Children often look to their parents most for what they should and should not do, and while not understanding the nuances of the behaviors, they are conscious enough to understand the responses to behaviors (e.g., punishment or reward).

A common phenomenon among parents is unintentionally modeling behaviors they do not want to see with their children, aka behaviors that are counterproductive to the desired family dynamic. This can happen for a number of reasons, but two common ones are:

Transmitting unremedied problems onto the children

Influencing them negatively through lifestyle practices, they can hardly help but pick up on (and uncritically follow)

Think of the expression “Do as I say, not as I do”. It’s an age-old expression parents use to justify their behaviors while attempting to dissuade their children from doing the same. Unfortunately, it’s about as effective as slapping a bandaid on a severed limb. This is mostly due to the fact people tend to pick up on nonverbal communication so much more than verbal communication. Simple gestures can change the meaning of conversations, after all.

And I think the relationship between Kim and her mother showcases that concept perfectly.

The flashback where Kim is caught stealing the earrings is a great example, though we do also get that verbal encouragement after the fact, as Mrs. Wexler used Kim as a distraction to steal the other set of earrings. We hear Mrs. Wexler chastise Kim in front of the store’s manager, saying how she’d be much better off in the hands of the police because she’s that mad. Yet her body language there is fairly relaxed. A trained eye, such as Kim’s (as she knows her mother best), can tell it’s a farce. And so even at that moment, Kim is observing that what she’s done is okay because her mother is affirming that physically.

And even though that’s just one instance, from what Kim recalls in brief conversations, that was commonplace. So throughout her peak developmental years, she was shown that these behaviors are okay so long as there is a benefit. As long as the reward outweighs the risk (which is a whole other topic I could lecture on). And, almost consistently, that’s been the case with Jimmy.

He alters legal documents (a serious felony charge), Chuck gets booted out of the firm and gets Kim back on her feet.

He gets involved with the cartel, Kim and him get enough money for whatever troubles they’re having.

He offhandedly proposes sabotaging Howard to get the settlement money, Kim affirms that and everything goes to plan (well, almost. RIP Howard).

But now, through the confrontation with Lalo and Howard’s death, there’s that realization that the risk is getting too high. That the reward isn’t going to be worth the effort. However, so much work has been put in (both in terms of the acts and the relationship with Jimmy) that I think this is being justified by Kim as something she’s put so much into. 

That, at this point, she will get the reward because the reward now is her life. Jimmy’s life. And that’s something that she’ll take (or would have taken) all avenues to protect.

Thinking about how… real Mike is when it comes to things. Thorough, too.

Like the whole thing with Matty’s death. How he deliberately made himself appear violently intoxicated to goad the other officers into attempting to kill him because he let on he knew the truth.

He pulled from as much experience as he could to perfect the act. He stumbled. He slurred. He uncovered an entire (presumably sealed) investigation and undid the work of an entire police department in the span of… what? A couple of days? A few weeks?

And on top of that, he gave them the slip. He unloaded their service weapons so that he would be the one to walk away. He knew how to stage the scene to keep the police off him for years. How to clean up after himself and leave hardly a trace.

And just in general. Just…

Thinking about his mindset of the justice system and how he believes it could be a good thing. But he sees it’s so corrupt at this point that he believes he’s hardly doing different work when working with the cartel. He knows corruption from first-hand experience. He’s seen how awful it can be. How it tears people apart.

RE: Mike saying that if he had the chance, he’d go back in time to the day he took his first bribe to avoid going down the corrupt cop path. (Which brings up the contrast between Mike’s mentality and Saul’s. Mike being so earnest and getting to see just who Saul is.)

I think my favorite quote of his is:

“ You know what happened. Question is, can you live with? ”

Because that’s just his whole mindset at the end of the day. Bad things happen. You do them; you see them. It’s up to you, and only you, what you do with that information. It’s how you use that information. Do you use it to your advantage? To do the right thing?

Idk… I just think that’s fucking neat. I think these characters are so fucking neat.

[speedytimemachineflower]

Its the last day of 2022, and usually on new years I feel quite disappointed, liked I am missing out on something, but this is the first celebration in a little while where I feel good. I even went on a date today! It was great we went to Coronado and had a very romantic evening, It was nice feeling alive again. Its been nice feeling alive again these past few weeks. Last new years was my worst one yet. I had never felt so alone in my life. The guy I thought I was dating didnt want to see me on the holiday because his family had friends over, and when I asked him how his news years was, he said it was boring and uneventful, not to mention the guests left around 6pm. He wanted to spend his new years without me. What was even worse, the next day when I saw him, we fucked in the backseat of his car. It was the last time I would see him for six months, because he practically abandoned me three weeks later.

Theres much to the story, this is only a simple generalization, but he is gone. Blocked, exiled. We ended up spending the last summer together, fucking and whatever kids do. It was exciting and sexy. But so unfulfilling. I got to experience the adult pleasures of late adolescence, but I was missing the justification or the emotional fulfillment. It was fun in the moment, and I am glad I did it. It is the type of shit you can only do at 19, and I am sure I will look back on it at 90 and laugh my ass off, and miss when everything pointed up so to speak. But yeah this guy, he would be there for me, but never really follow through, he was a huge dickhead and I cannot believe I let him around so long.

Although there wasnt a label to break off, I dumped him earlier this month in a coffee shop. After the summer, we continued to speak, we never spoke of a label, but we went to disney and all this coupley shit that it was hard to chalk it up to just friends, or friends who fuck. He left for school, and I sent him things. We would call about every other day, and sometimes have phone sex. It actually felt like maybe we would try to be for real again.

There was always issues with his sexuality, and the fact that there was a lot of it. He never seemed to be able to calm himself down. He had an old girlfriend, they never fucked or anything, that I know of. They happened to be going to the same school, which always bothered me. Especially when his entire social group revolved around her. His friends, were her friends, and every event or speical holiday away from home they spent together.

The first real crack of reality that hit me hard enough was on Halloween. He drove her and her friends around the entire night. God it still makes me angry. He admitted that he still liked her at one point, and no matter how much he said that it would go nowhere it still hurt that he was always choosing her over me.

The second was when he said that they had gone to San Francisco, alone.

The third was when he returned for thanksgiving break and didnt even bother to see me.

After that I stopped calling him, it was time to let the shitbag go.

A month passed. Three missed calls and a few messages later he got the hint.

We work at the same sandwich shop when hes in town, funny enough he helped me get the job back in september, so i decided as a preparatory measure to talk things out so it wouldn't be so awkward.

We met at a coffeeshop, and I basically said my piece and goodbye and left.

He makes me so upset, still. I remember the times when it felt like magic when we first were going out, I cannot believe that was almost two years ago.

Anyways. I have been seeing a couple guys and its making me feel better. I mean there is no sex chemistry at all, no magic like my ex, which I am sure is just cause i havent found right oens yet, like I am not attracted to them, so that feels pretty bad. But its nice getting out and trying things on for size so to speak. Also the attention feels nice. Plus a night on the town with a guy is always exciting.

It makes me feel weird. It is odd to miss the sex with my ex when I am kissing these other guys. These guys are great, but so... flat.

There is this one guy though, I work with him. I have never been so attracted to someone before. He's gorgeous, 6'5 blonde, with a pretty smile, and a good heart. He likes his family, doesnt party too much, and laughs at my jokes, bit of a cynic side to him i can sense, but he seems ashamed of it.

I definitely have a crush on him. I work with him one day a week, and I look forward to it. it is the highlight of my week. I have my dates on the weekend with the other guys, but my friday shift with caden, its my favorite. Guys come into the shop and ask me out alot, once in front of my ex, three in a row, that was a karma filled day. People at work call me the rizzler, and talk about how I should mess with the guys who ask me out as a social experiment because it happens so much. It makes me feel weird because I feel like caden is so out of my league like I know none is perfect, but he just is like my dream guy, I literally have envisioned a guy like him in my dream guy scenario, what I have been looking for. He is quiet, but not mean, and so sweet. Sorta awkward too. Socially, hes sorta pegged in the upper class popular arc but not to be corny, hes just different. Its just strange because everyone at work has painted me into this romance aficionado, and I am sure caden is aware of it, but its funny because in reality I want him. I have no idea if he has feelings for me, god I doubt it, but I would love to have the opportunity to get to know him. I want to ask him out, but Im on the fence. I havent told anyone about my feelings for him, and I want to keep it that way. I dont know.

I think 2023 is shaping up to be great and quite interesting, i can feel it. I needed to get rid of my ex, and I dont think I should talk about him anymore. Im working on music, art, myself, school, boys, and a job. I might even move to Kansas next year if my friend gwen would be open to let me stay with them in their home.

My wish for 2023, or wishes, hell my three lucky wishes for 2023 are that I am able to find my light again, my passion, my existence. My whole, and holiness. I would love to find someone romantically who just works with me, through and through no settling, I am TIRED of it. I dont want to make any sacrifices in my relationships ANYLONGER. I want good sex, good emotions, good vibes, and good hearts, and fun times! and I guess my third wish, is to keep my friendship with Chista, I love her to death. She is my rock, and my best friend in the whole wide world. She is applying to colleges in the fall, I am going to miss her if she goes far away, she is my everything. I think it also would be cool to write a hit song, something that goes viral on tiktok. Ooh, and paint more again! Also for my family to keep our house like we were able to this year, It would be nice to see them less stressed.

This year has been an absolute rollercoaster. And its been the end of an era. That feels like it started yesterday, but that was almost two years ago! The last two years have flown by, and I am ready for my next chapter universe. I love you, I believe in you, and thank you thank you, thank you! for always looking out for me and being on my side, I love you god, or universe, jesus whateva! Thank you for givning me the strength to get through this year, it was the hardest since 2019, and I thank you so much for helping me. I know it was looking rough last spring, and I almost gave up on you, but thank you for pulling me through, thank you thank you thank you. I love you-

<3 Heather

[wikiangela]

personal vent under the cut because I'm having a day (or a fucking bad month tbh) ignore me I just need to get it out lol

so I'm moving back with my parents by the end of the year and I have very mixed feelings about it

like, objectively I know it's fine, there's nothing wrong with living with your parents, I'm 21 and fresh out of college ffs, it's fine

like, my parents are encouraging and they support me in whatever I want and my mom even was like: I just want to make sure that you want to move back, I don't want to pressure you - and I know that it's the smart decision atm with how expensive everything is and how difficult it is to find a job and it just doesn't make sense to spend whatever savings I have for an apartment I do nothing at

but at the same time, I lowkey feel like a failure and disappointment because I just spent two months failing at finding a job (fr they expect 2 years experience for the lowest level jobs, I couldn't even get a job at a fucking store) and I'm way too burnt out to go back to college and get my master's degree and that comes with so much pressure from some members of my family (not my parents fortunately) saying that I absolutely have to get my master's because otherwise it'd be a waste - and I legit burst out crying whenever I start talking about going back fr, i still feel overwhelmed even tho I graduated and got my bachelor's like three months ago 🙂

(also, I just feel kinda bad bc for the past ten years my parents have slept in the living room since my siblings and I have separate rooms and now that I moved out my parents bought a new bed in my room and they sleep there - just the bed, my stuff that I left is still all there - and they couldn't care less bc they love me and want me to come back, but I feel bad about getting my own room back 🤦🏻‍♀️)

aside from that, my parents live in a little shithole in the middle of nowhere where I grew up and where everyone knows each other and gossips about each other - and I just know that they're gonna talk about how I couldn't cut it in the big city in one of the best unis in country or whatever - especially since my grandma LOVES to brag about me and I know she's gonna be disappointed too

and like, again, there's nothing wrong with the fact that I'm gonna move back in with my parents for the time being, until I get a job and I'm able to support myself, especially since my parents really don't mind, I'm only 21 and I have so much time to figure all this shit out, but also - and I know it's irrational - I'm kinda scared that once I move back there I'll be stuck there for the rest of my life since like 90% of my immediate family stayed there from all three sides of my family (I mean grandparents, great grandparent, aunts, uncles, cousins, from my mom, stepdad and bio dad's side of the fam)

idk, I just feel bad rn, tho I know it's the smartest thing to do at the moment financially (and lowkey emotionally and mentally too bc I'm really not doing well 🙂 I fr feel like only writing fics and watching criminal minds brings me any joy and keeps me sane atm lol)

I just needed to get it out, I'm probably gonna delete it once I feel better and realize I'm being stupid lmao

[dhampir-dyke]

Long rambling post below, mentions of suicide n shit but WE GOOD I'm just reminiscing and thinking aloud.

So weird thinking about me aged 14-17. If you would have told me I'd live to see 21 (soon to be 22) I would have cracked tf up and said "I doubt it". I genuinely thought I'd have killed myself WAYYYY before I ever got to where I am. And- to be fair- I do still have a 'failure is not an option' mindset right now.

I remember making a deal with myself when I was 16/17 that I'd keep from attempting suicide until I turned 18 and got myself into therapy and tried medication. If they didn't work, then I'd do the deed. (Like putting an animal out of its misery.)

I also gave myself another ultimatum; if I'm still living with your parents at age 23, to go ahead and do the deed- same thing if I were to ever be faced with HAVING to move back in with them. So I either succeed and try my best to keep living and make a life for myself or I say fuck it and peace out.

(And I'm not in danger or anything, these are just facts to me. I'm doing awesome financially, physically, etc and my mental health is much better than it was. I'm finally experiencing happiness and having moments of relaxation and being able to be myself.)

I remember always trying so hard to be a good friend. I was a little weirdo but so what I still am. The friends I had I was forced to move away from due to my parents bigotry, and the friends I tried to make afterward ended up being assholes or straight up freaks. I only met my closest irl friend through my now-ex and even now I just try so hard to be the best friend I can be. I was a good kid back then, even if I did have the world's most barely-contained suicidal agony and homicidal rage stored inside my tiny scrawny body.

I was so fucking smart too..... constantly, even to this day, my parents claim that I "never put in effort" and that I was lazy- but I took so many fucking honors classes and advanced electives. In highschool I literally had taken every extra class I could take except the mathematics ones. That's how I got into weightlifting, it was one of the only choices left for me to put on my schedule cuz I had taken every other class I could possibly take. And I passed every damn class without having to retake a single one. While being actively suicidal and nearly attempting every week or so. I wasn't lazy, I was a fucking badass????? Sure I wasn't on the fuckin honor roll but I was doing better than 90% of the school for sure. ANDDDD I finished 80% of my Gen ed college classes while I was highschool. I fuckin aced our ACT's.

But if you get told you're lazy and worthless and stupid enough, even an Einstein or a Turing will feel like shit about themself.

Thinking back to those dark times in my life is so confusing and frustrating. I have no sense of what normal behavior and experiences are for that age bracket. I think about my experience and I wonder if they were really that bad- until I say them out loud to someone and they look at me like I've got 2 heads.

I remember being so little back then. I was so depressed and anxious I couldn't eat. I weighed 110 pounds soaking wet and my joints constantly ached- my hair fell out and I was constantly fatigued. Now I weigh 140-150 and I don't hurt so bad, I have more energy and I feel more comfortable with my body- but my mom made a remark that my target weight should be 100 pounds. Even though she saw how miserable and sick I was back then. I've met strangers who were better mothers to me than she was.

But now I'm 21, I've got my own apartment, an awesome job, dear friends who love me. I'm saving up money for a house, and while I'll always be passively suicidal, I no longer want to die every single day and night. I can actually experience happiness. It's so fuckin odd to me. Being 15 and struggling to keep my head above water both feels like yesterday and also a century ago.