#also I was reminded of the existence of blame! thank you cori

[delta-orionis]

thinking about Superstructures tonight folks. love a good Superstructure

[filmmakerdreamst]

‘Boy Meets World’ Re-watch (as an Adult)

‘Girl Meets World’ doesn’t count as a sequel. Not because of the writing/tonal choices but because in the original show - despite continuity issues - the characters felt like real people e.g. the way they spoke/acted/dressed was the way people behaved in the 90s where as in the spin off, they were Disney characters e.g. hyper versions of themselves especially Cory and Eric. And the transition between both shows didn’t come naturally. It’s not an objectivity badly written show but it was pretty much a re-do of the old show with the same storylines/tropes without continuing the story. (I say the same thing about ‘The Incredibles’. vs ‘Incredibles 2’.) Also there were too many cooks in the kitchen pushing one way or another. You could see Micheal Jacobs style, all the aspects were there, but he was also creating a ‘DISNEY’ show at the same time. I don’t know about you but the one message I took from the original show was ‘finding out that life cannot be packenged into a lovely little present ’ which kind of contradicts everything that the new show is. If anything GMW is an AU universe (and it really felt like that, rewatching it right after BMW e.g. it felt flipped) almost like Disney’s version of ‘what happened next?’ The primal difference between both shows is BMW is portraying what is real and GMW is based on what is real.

Going off my point, I will however be always thankful that it exists because I probably wouldn’t of found out about ‘Boy Meets World’ otherwise. Although saying that, I never thought that the original show needed a continuation of any kind (a lot of things make sense about the spin off if you acknowledge that Disney requested it - I think it would of been much better off on its original platform) ‘Boy Meets World’ was very much a product of its time i.e. when tv shows were still relevetivley new and had no rules - like there is stuff in there that not even adult shows today have. Plus there was something about it that felt very personal (such as the characters and setting) as if the creator based it on his own childhood growing up and I think that was part of its charm and why it had such a big effect on pop culture - I’m not so sure you can repeat that.

BMW is big on meta I’ll tell you that. I love how it’s so aware of itself. The amount of depth that it has never ceases to amaze me. It’s whole universe is so dense and huge. Every quote/storyline is so unique it sticks in your brain forever. (I swear the humour got more and more deranged every season). The show was also incredibly queer and progressive.  It didn’t give a crap about sexuality. Much more than I remember. Proof to never use ‘but it was made in the 90s’ excuse.        

I loved how the show kept reinventing itself every season as Cory grew up so you really felt you were growing up with him and all the characters. The Character Development on this show was so natural/authentic. Every single character got a chance to shine. No one changed their look in one episode and no one had an intervention every time someone had an identity crisis (GMW) My favourite development was Shawn Hunter. He went from a cool kid to a ladies man to a poetic soul. It was so satisfying to watch.

I realised that Cory Matthews is actually my favourite character (before it was Eric or Shawn) I already have a special soft spot for ‘annoying’ characters because they tend to be the most memorable/real. For example, Karma Ashcroft from ‘Faking it’ was my babe while everyone was hating on her. I really related to his anxiety/self hatred about being average and I loved that he constantly made mistakes. It was very refreshing. He’s also incredibly queer-coded. I found that alot of his mannerisms make sense if you see him with extreme compulsory heterosexuality (because identity’s such as bisexual or gay couldn’t exist normally in the 90s) There are moments in the show where he literally mimics his best friend’s behaviour around girls e.g. when the class pretty much gets brainwashed by the sex ed video in ‘Boy Meets Girl’ Shawn gets asked out by a girl, making Cory jealous - which pushes him to ask out Topanga.

It’s funny how a few years of life experience can change perspectives completely because when I was sixteen (aka the same age as Cory and Topanga) watching BMW for the first time, I was mad at Amy for ‘not understanding that they were in love’ (in ‘A Walk to Pittsburg’) but now that I’m older I’m actually agreeing with her. Yeah, what do they know about love? Because all season long they were acting quite superficially.

Cory and Topanga became somewhat of a toxic couple in seasons 5 -7. Reminded me of my parents relationship because my mum gave up her chosen university to be closer to my dad and they aren’t together any more. Topanga’s love for Cory was very conditional and Cory cheated on her multiple times/openly begged for sex  (Again like my parents) And you should never be in a relationship with someone who makes you say “You make me think not so very much of myself” There are arguably much more signs of emotional abuse than love in their relationship especially from Topanga’s side. Plus their story was altered so many times to give it more basis (they retconned Shawn and Cory’s friendship to do this) I could write an essay on how Kevin and Winnie’s love story on ‘The Wonder Years’ is much more believable because it actually addresses how toxic it was and they grow apart in the end. If GMW was a realistic continuation, they would be divorced with a little girl - leave them in the 90s where they belong.

Alan and Amy were couple goals! Cory and Topanga wish that they could have what they have. Literally the definition of ‘a healthy relationship on tv that keeps thriving and over coming obstacles without big drama’. Best TV parents ever.

I loved the Matthews family; how they all had individual arcs and developments of their own. One of my favourite arcs was in season 5, when Eric and Cory were both jealous of what they ‘didn’t have’ with their dad, so Alan made an effort to give them both that they needed. Honestly, I had never seen so much healthy communication on TV before. Alan is the best father around. His whole personal arc of giving up managing a supermarket because he wasn’t passsionate about it anymore and buying a mountain store was so inspired. I found it funny that the family had more of a relationship with Shawn than Topanga.

Shawn Hunter never caught a break. It got a bit tiring. He was never allowed to be happy for five minutes. Every time he laughed or smiled, 5 years were added onto my lifespan. Why didn’t Johnathan Turner adopt him? I loved their dynamic. Why did he let him go back to his abusive father who just dumped him anyway?

Jack and Shawn’s complicated dynamic was possibly the most unique/interesting arc of the entire show and no one talks about it. I don’t care what y’all say - despite them being very different, Jack was the only one who fully took care of Shawn without second thoughts (Turner and the Matthews family had doubts)

I liked Shawn and Angela. I thought they were much better suited than Cory and Topanga. I honestly wouldn’t of minded if they ended up together even though I always had a feeling they wouldn’t. (Like I’m glad she went with her dad in the end) And considering how important they were as a interracial couple in the 90s, GMW handled that very poorly.

Shawn and Cory should of ended up together. And before you come at me with ‘it’s important to have m/m friendships without toxic masculinity’ (which is an important arguement to have) - yeah no shit there’s an entire Industry based around that/pitting women against each other. While it is important to have those friendships between men that are close and even intimate (take Chandler and Joey, Schmidt and Nick, Isak and Jonas and Jake and Charles for example) there was also another layer to their relationship which the narrative played off sometimes as them “going out” or “in love”.  I actually recently found out that a writer - who came into the show in season 3 - confirmed that she wrote gay undertones into their relationship on purpose ‘In my opinion as a writer, they thought they were “straight”, they both didn’t realise or understand their feelings for eachother’ but couldn’t deliever because the producers wanted to keep the show “kid friendly”. Kind of like Xena and Gabby. I know people prefer Jack & Eric (I love them as well) but everything got ruined for me as soon as they introduced the ‘love triangle’ and I always tend to prefer emotional tension over sexual. They were just so unconditional with each other/ their friendship was so good and healthy and now I’m so bitter that it never happened.

I never understood why Shawn and Cory had to stop being best friends after he got married. He’s not Topanga’s property. I always hated how Topanga tried to interrupt/interfere with their dynamic — although now I realise it was because the two of them purposely left her out. Looking back at it, If it really was just a intimate friendship then why would she get so easily jealous if she didn’t sense there was something else deeper going on? You should never marry someone who puts you second.

I didn’t like Topanga when she was with Cory (or vice versa) Especially after they got married. She was a great character on her own. Feminist before her time. Hermione Granger before her time. I always felt she deserved a lot better than him in a way e.g. if someone I considered a friend speard a rumour around high school that we slept together - I would never speak to that person again. SHE SHOULD OF GONE TO YALE GOD DAMN IT. And as someone pointed out the other day, if the roles were reversed some of the stuff she does or says to Cory would be considered domestic violence. ‘She’s always blaming Cory on shit that isn't even his fault or makes him feel bad or shuts down his emotions and turns it around so he's comforting her instead.’ There was even a moment in GMW (not that I consider that show a continuation) where she locks him out the house for a few days after he insulted her chicken, and his son Auggie had to bring him spaghetti. If Cory was a woman, that would not be played off as a joke - that would be considered abuse. They were however a better couple in GMW ironically.

Angela Moore is now one of my favourite characters on BMW. She was beautiful. Her friendship with Rachel (and Topanga) was the best. And I frickin’ loved her and Cory’s friendship development - when they could of easily not played into that. I hate that she got villiaized in GMW.

My favourite seasons are 4, 5 & 1. My least favourites are 3 & 2 & 7. And even then the show was still pretty darn good.

The back and fourth clash between Turner and Mr Feeny in season 2 was very entertaining.

Mr Feeny and Eric are my favourite relationship on ‘Boy Meets World’. I love how Eric was the only person that Feeny directly told that he loved him. Also, why didn’t Eric become the new Mr Feeny? He showed more traits of becoming a teacher in the show than Cory did.

Eric and Tommy was probably the most heartbreaking plot line in season 6. (That season was an emotional train wreck) I cried for a fourth time. The world doesn’t deserve him.

I loved the development of Shawn and Topanga’s friendship. Even though there was a silent competition over Cory, they eventually became good friends. I found out that the song ‘She will be loved’ was inspired by them which is awesome but it’s also proof that people ship for less if it’s an m/f dynamic - just sayin’. I however see a more convincing potiental romance with the two of them than Cory and Topanga sometimes.

On Cory and Topanga again - they weren’t a bad couple overall. I liked them in s1 - 3. They had some great moments. But upon my rewatch (getting out of that 90s idealised headspace) I found them to be too similar at times - chafing as another person put it - to the point where they cancel each other out. A lot of people pointed out that Riley and Maya paralleled them and I was thinking “That’s not nesserily a good thing.”

‘Dream. Try. Do good.’ is on my mantelpiece.

[artificialqueens]

Primary Care (a.k.a the Poundcake ficlet collection) 12/13 [Katya/Alaska] - Spoky

A/N: Thank you for all of the wonderful feedback! I can’t believe it’s chapter 12 already, I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye to this story… Alex, Dandee, apatheticskeleton - without this trio chapter 12 of PC would not be what it is ( = it would suck, a lot ). Thank you. xx

Chapter 12/13 - ‘I Invented That’ The first day after he had stormed out from Justin’s apartment had been fine. Brian had turned off his phone and went on his usual business, his thoughts wandering towards the snowiest state only occasionally. Alaska was easily buried under physical exercise, good food and weed. He made sure to keep busy. He needed to think, but he wasn’t ready to entertain the thought that they might be over. It hadn’t been even a year. Roy’s words echoed in his ears: ‘How the fuck do you think it’s going to last, what are you, lesbians?’  The second day was harder. He felt empty, somehow lost. Maybe he had felt like that the first day as well, but at least then he had been prepared for it. He turned on his phone and skimmed through the texts and missed calls from Justin. He decided not to reply. What was he going to say? He had overreacted. He’d been jealous. He’d fucked up. He hadn’t recognised it at the time but it was true, he had been completely consumed by jealousy. Picking up the phone and apologising meant that he would have to explain, own up to the feeling and the fact that he hadn’t known how to control it. Would he be willing to admit that to Justin?

At first Aaron’s name had been like any other ex’s, but as Brian had  gradually learned how close the two were, Aaron and Justin, his jealousy had grown. If he was completely honest with himself, he had felt it the first time a long time ago, a very long time ago. He’d felt it while shouting at Aaron Coady on the phone all the way to fucking Brazil.  The third day was the worst by far. He felt numb and could not stop thinking about Justin. Brian was sure Guantanamo Bay was a better option. At least there, one felt pain, panic, terror, something – anything. Brian felt nothing and it was driving him crazy.

He dressed up as Katya and whirled around in the apartment, seeking to find some kind of solace. Trying to feel something, anything, even if the feelings might be more hers than his. It worked, but not necessarily in the way he’d hoped for, or anticipated.

Katya had also felt the texture and tasted the sweetness of Justin’s lips and as she stood in front of the mirror, in the familiar red heels she’d worn the first time she’d kissed him, she started to wondered whether she’d be able to do that ever again. A tear escaped onto her cheek and Brian immediately wiped it away, angrily. How fucking stupid was he? Of course the numbness had been better than this! Sadness. Anger. Longing? Fucking bullshit, what it was. He grabbed the wig he was wearing and threw it on the floor, glancing down at the heels once more. What if he never got to kiss him again?  Brian touched his lips with his fingers and closed his eyes. He could almost smell the scent he associated with Justin, the mix of something sweet with freshly washed hair, the pinch of dust and melon. He took a deep breath and sat on the bed. The sparkly red heels failed to uplift his spirit, if anything they made him feel more lonely and lost, and he had no one to blame but himself.  By 2AM on the fourth day Brian made a decision. His feelings were eating his insides. He needed to snap out of it. He couldn’t think feeling like this. There were no coherent thoughts as every single rational looking idea was quickly consumed by guilt, despair and self-loathing. He swore to himself that he would make just one phone call. One. If it didn’t work out, he would sign up for the 6AM class of yoga and be done with it. If it did, well, he would see.

He really hadn’t expected it to be so easy. One phone call in the middle of the night and he was hooked up. It wasn’t his usual… Ex? Old? Old. It wasn’t his old guy. No. Because it wasn’t fucking Boston. But it was someone Levi swore by and knew in L.A. An acquaintance of an acquaintance. So a total stranger, really, though Brian wasn’t complaining. He had what he wanted. ‘You don’t happen to have an extra pipe on you?’ Brian asked while he handed the money to the girl that had been sent to him.  ‘Sorry, I just bring what I’m told,’ the girl answered. She wasn’t looking at him and fidgeted slightly. Brian ran a hand through his hair as he recognised the signs. He didn’t know what made him do it but he thrusted an extra 50 dollars to the girl.  ‘Thanks,’ he noted and watched as the girl snatched the money, turned on her heels and walked away with quick steps, a hood covering her face. He sighed and dropped the paper bag the girl had given him into his shoulder bag. It was a mere 15 minute walk home and he figured not one of the near by headshops would be open at this hour. He would have to do it old school. Not that he minded.  He pushed the key to the lock and opened his front door. He dropped the bag onto the floor and walked straight to the kitchen, pulling open the drawer for scissors, bottle openers, straws, extra lighters, bakery paper and foil. Except that there was no foil.  ‘Fucking shit motherfucker!’ Brian swore and slammed the drawer closed. When had it gotten this difficult? Then he realised the straws in the drawer. He glanced at the lamp on the kitchen counter and smirked. It was time to get crafty. It had been a long time since Brian had made a pipe out of a light bulb, but all of the stages came back to him as he proceeded. Carefully twisting the pliers he had gotten from his toolbox he detached the top part of the bulb from the glass. He gently tapped the metal parts loose and threw them into the bin. He reached for the sea salt he had in the cabinet and swirled the salt around in the bulb, repeating the process couple of times before rinsing the lamp and drying it with a kitchen towel. He then grabbed the straws and the tape he had found from his makeup pouch and walked to the living room. He knew he should’ve stuck with weed, but he was not in the mood of thinking anything that reminded him of Justin – Alaskan Thunder Fuck included. Maybe he’d give Chachki a call later? Sex went well with a high sometimes. Little like milk in coffee. Was she even in town?

Brian took a seat at the sofa and tested the lighter. It worked perfectly. There was no second guessing as his hands relied on procedural memory to bring him through the process to the first inhale. Not thoughts about stopping. No voices of reason. No snarky comment from Brenda or Carl. The slope was as slippery as the slide from strong constructionism to postmodernism. In other words, he could’ve been standing on a icy hill wearing skates while the wind blowed downhill – and dear Jesus did the high feel good…

**

It had been the worst five days Justin could recall. Sure, he’d gone through some pretty shitty situations with Aaron and even before and after Aaron, but he had never felt quite this hollow. He’d gone to work feeling ill and knew the performances were not top notch. It made him upset with himself. The fans paid a lot of money to see Alaska and he felt like he had let them down. He had cleaned his apartment twice and colour coordinated all his accessories while watching Golden Girls. He hadn’t really had an appetite and had been drinking unreasonable quantities of soya milkshakes.  The first day after the fight Justin had left Brian alone. He hadn’t called or texted. He had taken care of his hangover and meditated. He had wanted to give Brian space to calm down, to realise that the fight had been completely ridiculous. Brian had been tired and Justin hadn’t realised that his drinking might bother Brian so much. It was not the end, they could solve this. It was something Justin could fix. He just needed to wait for Brian’s call.  Justin’s feelings had changed as time passed. On the second day he had tried calling Brian and sent him a text that they needed to talk, that he was sorry, that he missed him. He never got a reply.

On the third day Justin had called at least ten times. He had also sent multiple texts and begged Brian to answer. Nothing.  On the fourth day he had been so busy he barely had had time to eat, even less to think of Brian, and still he had managed to call multiple times, send long pleading text messages and one slightly threatening one. He heard nothing back. Were they really over? Over something so small and stupid? Over something Justin couldn’t really even make sense of.  It was over 6PM on the fifth day and Justin was pushing pasta around his plate. He had a gig tomorrow but he really didn’t feel up for it. He would not cancel, of course he wouldn’t. He had to keep his personal life separate from his career and that meant that he needed to perform. And in order to perform he needed to eat. The pasta tasted like plastic and he added more salt onto it. His phone was charged and he kept checking his messages every five minutes. He scrolled through instagram and twitter, checked snapchat and the recent calls. None of which showed any indication that Brian McCook existed.  Justin sighed and tried calling Brian once more. No answer. He glanced again at the set of keys he had lifted on the kitchen table. He had been eyeing them for the past three days. One of the keys in the set would fit into the lock of Brian’s apartment. Justin had been owner of the said key for couple of months now and even used it in a couple of occasions. He didn’t feel like he had the right to use it in this type of situation. Brian’s message was clear. The silence spoke volumes.  Justin jumped as his phone rang and rushed to answer without checking the caller ID.  ‘Yes?!’  ‘That was quick,’ Trixie laughed at the other end and Justin’s heart sank. Wrong Brian.  ‘Ah, yeah. I was just going to call – Cory – so I had the phone out,’ Justin rushed to lie. ‘What’s up?’ he then added and tried to sound cheerful.

‘Ah, right,’ Trixie smiled. ‘Look, is Brian there? He missed the UNHhhh editor meeting.’  Justin’s heart skipped a beat. Brian had missed work?

There were multiple reasons Brian could’ve missed the meeting, but none of the scenarios Justin was able to imagine right at this moment had a positive tone to them. Especially considering that the man was not answering his phone… If it was an accident, like a car crash, surely they would’ve informed someone? Then again, most likely that someone would not have been Justin or Trixie. There was the possibility that Brian had chosen not to go, that he was sulking at home, but that seemed very unlikely. Brian was the one who had wanted to keep their careers and personal lives separate. He was very responsible and professional about Katya. There was also the possibility that Brian had lost his phone, stuck on traffic and therefore missed the meeting. But in that case he would call Trixie at some point, let her know what was going on. Justin worried his lip. There was also the possibility that Brian had lost the concept of time – which he had described sometimes happened to him whilst high. The thought made Justin feel ill.  ‘Lasky, you still there?’ Trixie asked and now she sounded concerned. Justin swore under his breath. He had to say something, but if Brian had actually relapsed… If that was the case… Would Trixie be the best person to help? Trixie who judged people for smoking cigarettes.

‘Yeah sorry,’ Justin said and added: ‘I think he actually just forgot.’ That was so not Brian, but the lie would have to do. Justin didn’t have a better one. ‘He left for yoga a while ago, so I think he’s not picking up because he’s in a class. I’m sorry you had to wait… I’ll, I’ll tell him, ok?’  Justin had no idea whether Trixie would buy it. He sounded suspicious even to himself.  ‘Mm. Yeah ok,’ came the answer, but Justin could hear from the voice that she was confused.  ‘I’ll tell him to call you,’ Justin added and hoped that would give him more time to figure out what was going on before Trixie would try calling Brian again. Or him for that matter.  ‘Ok, thanks,’ she replied.  Justin ended the call and glanced at the keys on the table. God, he hoped the man had lost his phone and was stuck in traffic. He decided on a taxi as he didn’t trust himself to drive; he felt antsy and his concentration was lacking. Taxi would be safer than driving. When he arrived, it took him two tries to get the key into the lock after no one answered his knocks. His imagination had ran to all kinds of places, most of which ended in an overdose and hospital. Some of which ended up with them breaking up because Justin had overreacted and Brian hence wanted nothing to do with him. Justin didn’t know which scenario made him feel worse.  Justin opened the door and stepped into the apartment. It was quiet.  ‘Brian?’ he called out. There was no reply. Justin took a deep breath and closed the door. He walked into the kitchen and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. There were some dishes on the counter.  ‘Brian?’

This time Justin heard a low grunt and turned towards the bedroom as it seemed like the sound had come from there. He walked through the living room and took note of the light bulb on the coffee table. Well, the problem wasn’t a car crash or a forgotten phone. Justin was also not overreacting.  ‘Brian?’ he called again, staring at the bulb and the remaining drugs in it. He assumed it was Tina, what else? How long had it been again? Five days, six? He heard no reply this time around but proceeded towards the bedroom, only to find it empty. A light was on in the big bathroom attached to the bedroom and Justin cautiously approached the space. He had no idea what would wait him in the room and he could feel anxiety settling in.  Justin pulled the door open and stared down at Brian, who was sitting on the bathroom floor, looking up to him. The man was wearing just a pair of boxers and a loose white tank top. His hair was a mess, he looked absolutely exhausted and his lips were slightly blue.  ‘Hi honey,’ Brian greeted Justin, wrapping his arms around his knees and pressing his forehead against them as if trying to hide.  It hurt, seeing Brian like this. Justin wished he could make it all better, but he had no such skills. Kneeling next to Brian, Justin felt simultaneously relieved and anxious as he hugged the older man. Brian clung  to him and hid his face against Justin’s neck. He smelled of sweat and cigarettes, and his hair was greasy. Based on the smell Justin suspected the man had not showered in days.

Brian’s skin felt cold under Justin’s touch and he wondered how long the man had been sitting on the bathroom floor.  ‘You’re cold,’ Justin said quietly.  ‘It got so hot,’ Brian explained with a raspy voice before clearing his throat: ‘The tiles felt so nice and cool,’ he continued and Justin squeezed his eyes close. The fact that Justin recognised increased body temperature as one of the earliest signs of an overdose did not help. Apparently sometimes knowing was worse than not knowing. Brian felt cold though, and Justin had no idea whether he was still under the influence. Was there a reason to be worried, to go to a hospital? Was there something he did not know?

‘Babe,’ Justin whispered. ‘Do you feel ok?’ he asked and realised immediately how stupid the question was. Of course Brian didn’t feel ok, so he corrected himself: ‘I mean-’

‘I know what you mean,’ Brian interrupted with a shaky voice and Justin squeezed him closer. ‘I’m fine. I’ll be fine.’

Justin nodded and figured that Brian was coherent enough to know whether he would need medical attention. At least, he hoped Brian knew… They stayed like that for a while, curled up together, but Justin knew they really needed to get up from the cold floor – the sooner the better.

Justin kissed Brian’s temple and lowered his head to see the man’s face, to meet his eyes. Brian glanced up at him with dilated pupils and snorted quietly.

‘I fucked up,’ Brian whispered, defeated. His voice was trembling and a tear escaped to his cheek. Justin could visibly see how hard he was trying to keep it together.  ‘It’s ok,’ Justin answered quietly and stroked Brian’s cheek. ‘It’ll be ok. We can sort this out.’

Justin wanted nothing more than to wrap Brian into a warm, fluffy blanket of acceptance, comfort and care. He wondered how much Brian had used and for how long. He wondered whether the worst was over, or still coming. He wondered whether Brian had been using before their argument, or just after. How much of this was his fault and how much he could help to fix it. The only thing he was certain of was that a warm shower could solve two of Brian’s problems.  ‘Do you think you have energy to take a shower?’ Justin asked gently, stroking Brian’s hair while holding him tight. The man shook his head against Justin’s shoulder and took a deep breath.  ‘You smell amazing,’ Brian commented and Justin chuckled.  ‘Well you smell awful,’ he answered and squeezed Brian once before releasing his hold and catching his eyes. ‘Come on, let’s take a shower. I’ll help.’  Brian did not resist as Justin first undressed his jacket and t-shirt, and then pulled off Brian’s tank top. Justin abandoned the clothes onto the toilet seat and stood up. He got rid of his jeans, briefs and socks before offering his hand to Brian, who accepted it. He pulled Brian up with ease and undressed him before pushing him into the shower. Brian leaned onto the tiled wall and looked at Justin. The gaze was somehow haunted. There was pain, exhaustion and somehow he seemed to be asking for help – and there was very little Justin could do to offer it.  ‘It’s ok, just sit down,’ Justin said kindly and Brian slid down against the wall while Justin started the shower. He was careful to adjust the temperature and not get cold water on either of them. The water got warm quickly and Justin crouched down, letting it wash over Brian’s shoulders and chest.  ‘Good?’ Justin asked and Brian nodded before reaching for Justin to come closer. It was difficult and awkward, but somehow Justin ended up sitting astride on Brian’s lap. He let the water flow over them to make Brian warm and washed away the past three days. He caressed, stroked, soaped and played with Brian’s hair while shampooing it. He dropped small kisses on Brian’s shoulders and neck, finally reaching his jaw and Brian turned to face him.  ‘I’m sorry,’ Brian whispered onto Justin’s lips. ‘For what I said.’  ‘I know, I’m sorry too,’ Justin said and pressed their lips together, intending to kiss Brian but he backed off immediately, gagged and aimed the shower to Brian’s mouth. ‘Jesus man, you really need to brush your teeth.’  Brian chuckled wearily and gargled some of the water in his mouth. He then took another mouthful and spurted it couple of seconds before spitting it on Justin’s chest, grinning.  ‘Really mature,’ Justin chuckled and bowed down to kiss the man. He tasted slightly better this time around.  It took them a good thirty minutes to get clean between the small cuddles and kisses. Justin had made promises of pizza and bed, to which Brian had just nodded. Justin knew they were dancing around the problem, around the actual discussion they needed to have, around the lightbulb on the living room coffee table. Justin however recognised that Brian needed to sleep and eat before they could have any constructive discussion. It would have to wait.  Justin was wearing one of Brian’s Katya t-shirts as he walked to the living room to get his phone in order to order the pizza, but paused as he caught sight of the bulb-pipe. He didn’t know how long he had stared at it before Brian came looking for him and caught him staring. Brian wrapped his hands around Justin’s waist and pressed his forehead against Justin’s back.  ‘’m sorry,’ he mumbled. Justin took a deep breath. It wasn’t a matter of apologising.  ‘Where’s the rest?’ Justin asked quietly and could feel Brian tense up.  ‘Do we have to do this now?’ Brian asked, tightly. Justin turned within Brian’s embrace and wrapped his arms around Brian’s shoulders.  ‘No. We don’t have to,’ he said and pressed a kiss on Brian’s forehead. He wanted to, but he also knew from experience that pressuring would not work.  Brian sighed and squeezed Justin closer. It felt like the man was trying to get inside Justin entirely. As if he was trying to hide from the world around him.

‘It’s all in the bag,’ Brian whispered, but didn’t move. ‘Next to the sofa.’  Brian still made no signs to move and Justin decided he was not going to do it for him. It was Brian’s decision. It had to be Brian’s decision. He leaned back in Brian’s embrace and placed both of his hands on Brian’s cheeks before looking him deep into the eyes.

‘Get rid of it, don’t get rid of it,’ he pressed a light kiss on Brian’s lips: ‘I’m not going anywhere. I’m here until you tell me to go.’

Justin knew he had said the words before, but he had also lived up to the promise. When Aaron had told him to go, he had.  Brian answered by pulling Justin close and kissing him.

‘I want you to stay,’ he whispered.  Justin had heard that before. Aaron had said the exact same words on the first, the second, even on the third time around – and Justin had stayed. Only time would tell whether Brian would eventually ask him to leave, but until then Justin would be there. Because that’s what you did when you loved someone. You stood by them and offered support until they no longer wanted it, or when you no longer were supporting them, when you became the reason they were falling apart. Justin had been there before and swore to himself that he wouldn’t let that happen again. Not this time around. Not with Brian.

Brian broke the kiss slowly and detached himself from Justin. He reached for the bag next to the sofa and then walked into the smaller bathroom next to the kitchen, pulling Justin with him. Justin followed his steps and watched as Brian dug out a small minigrip bag, opened it, glanced at Justin over his shoulder and emptied it into the toilet. He was staring down at it couple of seconds before making the abrupt movement to flush. Afterwards,Brian just stood there, silently.  Justin pulled him into a firm hug.  ‘Thank you,’ Justin said quietly, even if Brian hadn’t necessarily made the decision for him. Or maybe he had? Justin had no way of knowing.

‘I love you,’ Justin added quietly, almost as an afterthought. He could feel Brian shiver slightly after the words. He wrapped his arms around Justin and pressed his nose against Justin’s neck, just below the jaw.  ‘I love you, too.’  Justin’s heart skipped a beat. It was the first time Brian had ever said the words. He had shown that he cared in many ways, had shown the admiration and love he had for Justin, but never before had he actually uttered the phrase before. They didn’t make a romantic picture. They were standing in a small bathroom, Brian was still holding a minigrip bag that held traces of crystal meth and they were both wearing just t-shirts and briefs. Moreover, Brian resembled a zombie due to the lack of sleep. It was trashy and crude. It was rough and real. It was a treasure created of layers of trash. It was perfect.  ‘I’m exhausted,’ Brian whispered, shaking Justin out of his thoughts.  ‘Come on, let’s get you to bed.’  Brian fell asleep in minutes under Justin’s gentle strokes and kisses. Justin had no idea how long the man should sleep or needed to sleep and in order to do some research he grabbed his phone. Trixie had called him three times. Shit. He didn’t want to talk to the Barbie without knowing how much Brian would want to share and ended up texting her instead: ‘He’s fine, he says hi and he’ll explain later. Tomorrow or the day after. Sorry.’ He pressed send before he could start to over-analyse whether the message was good or bad, too revealing or not clear enough. Brian would have to have a difficult conversation with Trixie regardless.  He glanced down to the sleeping man and pressed one more kiss onto his cheek before getting out of the bed and tiptoeing into the livingroom. It was barely 9PM and he wasn’t sleepy yet. There were too many thoughts and questions in his head for him to calm down and he could also feel that he had never finished the plate of plasticy, overly salty pasta he had started at home. He ordered the pizza even if Brian was asleep and turned the TV on.  It was couple of hours later that Justin made his way back to the bedroom and noticed Brian squirming in his sleep. He crawled onto the bed, next to Brian and pulled the man into a hug. He’d learned with time that Brian was actually a quite light sleeper and tried his best not to startle him.  ‘Hey you,’ he said quietly and could feel Brian jerk awake so he continued gently: ‘You’re having a nightmare.’  ‘I am?’ Brian asked sleepily and Justin chuckled.  ‘Well hopefully not anymore,’ he noted and pressed a kiss on Brian’s forehead while stroking his hair. Brian smelled of sleep.  ‘Doesn’t feel like a nightmare,’ Brian noted and wrapped his arm around Justin, wiggling closer into the embrace. He cuddled his head underneath Justin’s chin, pressed a kiss on Justin’s adam’s apple and settled there, nested in the protection of the taller queen. The way in which Brian was seeking comfort made Justin smile and he wondered whether it would be only in these situations, when Brian felt very vulnerable, that he would ever repeat the three words Justin had waited to hear. He didn’t mind, much. But it had made him feel appreciated. Somehow hearing the three words made him feel more loved, even if words shouldn’t have mattered that much.  ‘Thank you for today,’ Justin whispered.  ‘Hm?’ Brian asked, confused.  ‘Earlier, when you told me you loved me,’ Justin explained and stroked Brian’s hair. ‘It was nice to hear the words, so, thank you.’  ‘But I say it all the time,’ Brian mumbled and frowned.  ‘No?’ Justin laughed into Brian’s hair, tracing his thumb over the man’s ear gently. ‘Today was the first time.’  Brian blinked and wiggled away from Justin in order to actually look at him.  ‘What? Really?’ Brian was sure he had said the words before. They’d been dating for months and he thought about them all the time. It was not possible that he had never vocally expressed his feelings for Justin. ‘I must’ve told you before, like in the hospital when we first started dating?’  Justin frowned. He was certain Brian had never replied to his love declaration with more than a statement that he cared.  ‘No, I don’t think so,’ Justin answered. Could he trust his own memory?  ‘Really? Are you sure?’ Brian asked, clearly doubtful. ‘Well, I must’ve told you on Detox’s birthday, right?’  Justin frowned. ‘No, definitely did not happen that night.’  ‘But I must’ve,’ Brian insisted and continued: ‘I even told Trixie that I’ll marry you and we’ll adopt a cactus, because it’s the only living thing we should be entrusted with as a couple.’  ‘Excuse you!’ Justin exclaimed: ‘I’m completely capable of taking care of pets! And when it comes to love, maybe you’ve showed me with your actions, but you’ve never before actually said the words before,’ he explained patiently. It wasn’t a big deal, not really.  ‘Really? Are you sure?’ Brian asked and looked like he thought that Justin was lying. ‘Even during sex?’ he added, raising his eyebrow.  ‘During sex does not count,’ Justin snorted. It really didn’t.    ‘So I have said it during sex!?’ Brian exclaimed victoriously.  ‘No, I don’t think you have,’ Justin shook his head, smiling at Brian’s antics. The discussion was turning into a game of who was right, which was good. It was Brian. It was them. It was normal. It was a sign that they could sort this mess out.  ‘Are you sure?’ Brian asked mischief in his eyes. ‘It could’ve been a hidden message. Something on the lines of ‘I want to lay Russian rat snake eggs with you…’’  ‘I would definitely remember if you had said that,’ Justin laughed, ‘and probably freaked out.’  ‘You’re not the egg laying type?’ Brian smirked.  ‘I’ve never really thought about egg laying,’ Justin drawled. He never had been in that kind of a relationship, and he highly doubted he was in that kind of a relationship even now. So he said as much: ‘I also know that you cannot be trusted with more than a cactus to look after, so I don’t think it’s relevant whether I’m the type or not.’  ‘So…’ Brian was quiet for a while and Justin waited, caressing Brian’s jaw. ‘Does that mean that you think we’re in it for the long run?’  The insecurity in Brian’s voice caused something to tighten in Justin chest. Brian still hadn’t fully realised how much Justin loved him?  ‘Of course,’ Justin snorted, ‘as a mature, sophisticated, rich lesbian couple that respects American family values, we’re doing this long term,’ Justin said and listened to Brian’s wheezing, familiar laughter. Then he added quietly, more seriously: ‘Because I wouldn’t want to lay eggs with anyone else but you.’  Brian smirked.  ‘That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. Well, after the time Trixie defined in great detail why she hates kissing me on UNHhhh.’  Justin punched Brian on his shoulder in fake outrage.  ‘How dare yo-’  His sentence was cut short by Brian’s lips and tongue, and Justin melted into the kiss.

Yes, they still had things to figure out and it would be difficult, it would be problematic. Brian’s relapse would require some serious work from both of them, but Justin knew how to deal with addiction. It wasn’t like Brian was the only one familiar with substance abuse in this relationships. No, with Sharon, Alaska had basically invented that. And fortunately, it wasn’t just Justin who sometimes felt insecure in their relationship. When it came to insecurity, Brian had basically invented that.

There would be times when they’d want to give up on the relationship, on each other. But they could also choose to work it out. And that was exactly the point. They could make it if they both wanted to, if they both chose to make it work.  Brian broke the kiss, looked Justin into the eyes and placed his palm on Justin’s cheek, tracing his thumb over Justin’s cheekbone.  ‘I love you,’ he said gently and then grinned: ‘But I’m so not the egg laying type.’  ‘A cat?’ Justin asked, hopefully.  ‘I’ll think about it.’