ryanharsche

[curiouschaosstarlight]

The whole fun thing about the double standards of sexism is how it really pervades fandom and demonizes both male and female characters really fucking efficiently so everyone's fine until they say or do something that makes them "unforgivably bad" to someone, but you look at characters of the opposite gender who do the same exact things with either the same or less reasons and the same person will be totally fine with them, and also insist they're not being sexist.

[pinkcrocss]

Is A-Train "redeemable"?

I have been thinking about this discourse that people have been having, following A-train's actions so far in season 4. And I know we've watched A-train teeter on the edge of good and bad for the last 4 seasons (generally falling to bad more than good). But i think the revelations about Frenchie's character kinda add an interesting spin to this question.

We need to consider how much our personal bias towards the characters we have grown to know (their motivations, their trauma's, their back stories), is impacting moral judgments we pass on other characters across the board.

Atp, every member of the boys has crossed "the line" in terms of black and white morality, but we give them a pass because we are convinced that they are all truly good at heart, and that their cause is just.

However, when you actually break down the actions of said characters, it kind of paints a different picture.

What has A-train done, that we feel he has to atone for? (this is just going off my terrible memory, so forgive me if I miss some things)

He killed Hughie's girlfriend (through negligence)

He killed popclaw (at the behest of homelander)

He's generally pretty arrogant and doesn't care about the horrible actions of his comrades, until it affects him

He killed bluehawk (most people agree that was justified)

Since season 2, Frenchie's past as a hit-man was hinted at (with little Nina explicitly stating that he had also killed children in season 3). It's clear Frenchie never had a particular moral code when he was a hit-man (no women/children type limits). He was simply a hired gun.

We sympathize with Frenchie because we know he had a difficult upbringing with his abusive father, as well as his loyalty to his friends (Cherie and Jay), the boys and especially Kimiko. Him serving as a comic relief often, also adds to this empathy bridge.

But season 4 has actually shown us a glimpse of just how many lives Frenchie has taken in cold blood. A whole room full. Why are we rooting for Frenchie's peace of mind, while debating if A-train is redeemable?

Frenchie has killed more people than Atrain (supe or not) and as far as I know, A-train has never killed a child.

Would it be easier to understand the gravity of Frenchie's crimes if Ryan or MM's daughter was one of his victims? Because his victims are all nameless, we act like his crimes hold less weight.

And then he goes on to start a sexual relationship with one of his victims, while hiding the knowledge that he was perpetrator of his greatest trauma. I think maybe we overlook the sadistic nature of that act because we interpret Frenchie as a "lover at heart", a true romantic that was swayed by his feelings and couldn't help that he had fallen for someone he had wronged. Bruh. When Colin eventually calls Frenchie a psychopath, he's not wrong.

And what about starlight? Her hands aren't clean. Remember the civilian she killed in Season 2? How is that any different from the situation with A-train and Robin? Yeah, it was an accident. In other words, negligence on her part. She needed to save Hughie; but why does Hughie's life matter more than that man. Her and Butcher were trying to carjack him and he had offered to call for help. He had a right to try to defend himself, and that bullet wouldn't have hurt her. That man was a father.

By the logic of why the boys are doing what they do, why we justify their murders of supes who have harmed them and their loved ones; if the child of that man grows up and hunts starlight down, would we need to root for that child to kill her?

Not so different from the shining light girl that keeps trying to kill Kimiko. From what was revealed of their backstory, Kimiko was the one who lured the girl into shining light. That's actually a common tactic of human traffickers, to use their victims (usually women and children) to lure in more victims cuz they seem less threatening. And obviously we can't fully blame Kimiko. She was trapped, brainwashed, and a child trying to protect her younger brother.

However, that girl also has every right to hate her. From her view, her life was forever taken because Kimiko chose not spare her (kinda similar to Gamora and Nebula). When Hughie said to A-train, "everything started with you!" we side with Hughie and we agree. So everytime Kimiko faces against that girl, why are we rooting for Kimiko? Wouldn't kimiko be A-train in that instance?

At this point, the only member of the boys who is still maintaining some Moral code is MM, and it's no coincidence that the show has made him seem pretty useless so far this season.

Btw, this post isn't a defense of A-train nor is it truly an indictment of any of the characters I used as examples. It's just an inconsistency I've noticed with the general fan discourse of who's "good" and who's "bad" on this show. Who is worthy of "forgiveness". Who's "redeemable". Redeemable to whom tho?

P.s. I'm not here to argue. Don't come for me cuz I critiqued your fave. I'm just thinking out loud. Feel free to respond/disagree, but if you're rude I'll just block you.

[hayleythecannibal]

Twisted Minds: Act II- Chapter Twenty-One Su-zakana

TW: Crime scenes, Gore, Implied Death, Death, Attempted Murder, Cannibalism, Framing, Guns, Animal Death, Psychopathy

Warning this is Fem!reader. You can also find this on Wattpad and A03 under the name @HayleyMarieOfficial. Comment if you want to be added to the taglist.

Taglist: @punkin-time @miaowkitty @gabriella-aesthetic @urlocalfanficwriter @dilfdemolisher

Twisted Minds Masterlist

HANNIBAL LECTER'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT-

Will sits next to Y/N and Jack Crawford sits across the couple as the fish is placed between them. Hannibal pours wine. “Truite saumonée au bleau with vegetables and broth, served with hollandaise sauce on the side. Beautiful fish, Will.” Hannibal comments with delight. He’s Back.

“It was my turn to provide the meat.” Will responds and I take a deep breath. This man obviously doesn't care for his safety, but I guess I don't either if we think about it. “More flavorful and firm than farmed specimens. I find the trout to be a very Nietzsche-ian fish. Trials  of his wild existence find their  way into the flavor of the flesh.” Hannibal serves food onto each of their plates. Then: “I hope "providing the meat" doesn't  mean you still harbor doubts about what I serve at my table. As Hannibal sits. Will doesn't answer; Jack answers for him.

 “No doubts, Dr. Lecter. Only the wounds we dealt each other before we got to the truth.  Which is why we need to move past apologies and forgiveness. Chilton has many victims besides the dead.” Jack looks at Will, nods at this. “We will absorb this experience and it will change us. We are all Nietzsche-ian fish in that regard.”

“Makes us tastier.” Hannibal considers Will. “None of our actions were personal.”

“I tried to have Hannibal killed. Isn't that personal?”

“You thought I was a killer. a very Nietzsche-ian fish. Trials of his wild existence find their

way into the flavor of the flesh.” Hannibal serves food onto each of their plates. Then: “I don't blame Miriam Lass for shooting Frederick Chilton. I wanted to kill him myself.“Jack looks from Hannibal to Will. Unwilling to commit.

“Greatest crime now would be to walk away from what we've shared and suffered. In many ways, we need each other. We're the only ones who will know what this feels like.” Hannibal says with looks towards me and Will. 

“This fish is delicious.” I eat my Food and hold Hannibal's gaze.

HORSE STABLE - NIGHT-

Hannibal studies the dead horse's face, running a hand across its neck, almost unconsciously. Jack standing over him. “I agree with the pagans. The horse is divine. All beasts of burden are sacred animals.” I walk over to them,  “This kind of mutilation often presents as cult activity.” Jack says as he watches as  BRIAN ZELLER unpacks his kit next to the WOMB WOMAN, now lying on a sheet of plastic. JIMMY PRICE stands over the horse, photographs the sutures and incision. He cranes his camera, trying to get a good angle in the abdominal cavity. “When an animal's sacrificed, it's presumed the power of the beast will be psychically transported to whoever's offering up the goods.” says Jimmy.

“Which is why sacrificial animals should be healthy, without any defects. This horse was dying.” I say in my approach. I greet everyone with a smile as I sip my coffee.

“Its womb was more or less intact.” An ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT suddenly shines down on her revealing a constellation of SMALL BRUISES on her throat. Brian Zeller is holding a PORTABLE ULTRAVIOLET LAMP. “Victim was deceased before she wasenwombed. Ecchymosis of the subcutaneous tissue is consistent--She was strangled.” Zeller tucks the lamp away, grabs a flashlight and peels back an eyelid to find the whites of the eye are BLOOD RED.

“She was scrappy. Put up a fight.” Y/N, Jack and Hannibal watching and listening nearby.

“The horse is a chrysalis, a cocoon meant to hold the young woman until her death can be transformed.” Hannibal comments, “Transformed into what?” Jack looks at Hannibal with curiosity. I blankly stare at the poor woman who was taken too soon. But the person who carefully sewed her into the womb of the horse is not the same person who killed her out of rage.

“Life. A new life. This is a birth. Or it was intended to be. This is every bit as much about giving life as it is taking it.” I say as i finish my coffee. “What's the thinking?” Y/N studies the macabre madness laid out before her.

HANNIBAL LECTER’S OFFICE - DAY-

Hannibal sits in his chair, observing Margot by the window. “Mad dogs are put down.”

“That what you hoped to accomplish when you attacked your brother?” Hannibal Inquires “Apparently, I went about “putting him down” the wrong way. He’s still alive. Should have waited until my arm was healed.” Margot says turning her head towards him slightly

“Doing bad things to bad people makes us feel good. Did you feel good trying to kill your brother?” Hannibal tilts his head slightly. “Trying wasn’t terribly satisfying.” Margot blinks. 

“What’s your relationship with your brother now? Has it changed?” 

“I think he thinks I’ve calmed down.”

“Have you?”

“Oh, I’m calm.”

“Are you going to try again?” Margot stares, studying Hannibal. “This is where therapy gets tricky.” 

“It doesn't have to be tricky.” Hannibal says calmly. Margot snorts. “I could confess to a murder and you can’t say a word. I could’ve killed someone this morning and you can’t say a word. But if I’m planning to commit a murder…”

“I am ethically obligated to take action to prevent that murder. Be that as it may, if there’s no one

else to protect you, Margot, you have to protect yourself. It would actually have been more

therapeutic if you had killed him.” Margot considers Hannibal's loyalties –

 BAU - MORGUE - DAY-

Jack observes as Zeller and Price hover over Sarah Craber on the examination table.

“She was a horse groom at the stables where her body was found. She was reported missing last week.” Jimmy explains, then Zeller continues. “Her throat's obstructed. Soil. Someone packed it down there pretty deep. There's none in her teeth.” He uses a small tool to remove a CLOD OF DIRT from her throat. There's a RUSH OF AIR as Zeller unplugs the clog. Jimmy leans across the body with an evidence bag, collecting the dirt clod Zeller pulled out and fishing for others.

“I'll check the pH levels, see what organic matter or trace elements we come up with. Should be able to find out where it came from.” Suddenly, Jimmy jumps back, a frightened look on his face.

“She has a heartbeat.”

“She was in rigor–”

“There's no pulse.” Zeller feels for a pulse on her carotid. “She has a heartbeat.” Jimmy swears as he points to her chest. “She has a heartbeat. We have a hand-spread on her neck, but we haven't found anything on her but horse uterus.” Zeller says as he feels her chest.

Zeller opens the victim's mouth. Shines a light inside.

“The uterus isn't always such a safe, nurturing place. Shark fetuses cannibalize each other in

utero. And chances are very good that everyone in this room has absorbed a twin. Mine survived. She has a heartbeat.” Jimmy says as Jack steps forward, feels the woman's chest.

“Something's beating.”

He cranks the rib spreader and CRACK. Zeller continues to crank the rib spreader, cracking the ribs as they spread. A moment as he leans in for a closer look at the chest cavity. A still moment, then: FWUP FWUP FWUP FWUP FWUP A ROBIN flutters out of the corpse's chest cavity and flutters wildly about the room. As Zeller and Price cover their heads, Jack stands his ground, unfazed.

HORSE STABLE - DAY-

Horses in the stable stalls. Nervousness communicating between them like an electric current.

WILL GRAHAM Walks backward from FRAME right across the stable in front of the horses, their heads turning to follow him. Will holds a thick case folder under one arm. WILL STOPS. Looks down at the folder. It is open to a CRIME SCENE PHOTO of the barn. The dead horse and Sarah Craber's body. Will closes his eyes. 

The ORGANIC HUM of his CIRCULATORY SYSTEM is loud in his ears. A PENDULUM swings across the blackness behind his eyes. FWUM. FWUM. It clicks into place. WILL'S EYES OPEN. He now stands --

HORSE STABLE - NIGHT-

Deep rural darkness. Will looks to the horses in the stalls. Nervously moving and stamping.

“I don't want you to see me. I don't want you to see what I do. I want to calm you, comfort you.”

He slides cloth hoods over the horses' heads. Strokes their necks. Murmurs gently. Calming them.

“There's so much comfort in darkness. But not for one of you.” Now Will is leading a horse from its stall. The dead horse to-be. It too is hooded and stands calmly as Will strokes its neck. And then slides a large needle into its neck. Will holds the horse's head lovingly.

Will stands over the now-dead horse. WIDE on the open stable doors framed like a proscenium arch. Centered within them is Will Graham; the dead womb woman in his arms. He bears her gently, like Lear carrying his beloved Cordelia. Will carries her to the dead horse. Places her gently on the ground.

next to her, a small, DRAPED CAGE. Will pulls away the drape to reveal the robin which immediately begins to flutter inside. “I took your life and then tried to give it back to you.”

The robin flutters in its cage. Sarah Craber stares, her face smeared with dirt, mouth full of soil… Will takes a KNIFE and begins to slice open the horse's abdomen. It's hard work and takes real effort.

“I find its womb, place you inside.” Will's back to the birdcage. It is now empty. Sarah Craber is gone, too. TIME HAS PASSED and Will is now stitching up the wound in the horse's belly. “I hope that the forces of death and biology will bring you rebirth.” Will stands and stares at his handiwork.

HORSE STABLE - DAY-

Will holds the open file in his hands. “It's a coffin birth.” Y/N and Jack standing nearby. “I thought it was, Decomposition builds up gasses within the putrefied body and pushes the dead fetus out of its mother's corpse. It's really more of a prolapse than a birth.” 

“Not to whoever did this.”

“Whoever did this knew the horse. Knew she was dying because her foal was born dead. Knew Sarah Craber. He's familiar with the stables. He knew when he wouldn't get caught. He works here or maybe used to. He has medical knowledge of animals, but isn't a veterinarian. He considers himself a healer.” Will says he walks over next to me.

“How is this healing?”

“Sarah Craber was reborn. And a mother and her child are finally on the same side of life. This wasn't murder, Jack. This was grief.” I say to Jack as he is considering our next move –

ANIMAL RESCUE - DAY-

Two weathered buildings stand in a rustic setting, the animal rescue and, beyond it, a LARGE-ANIMAL BARN where the black horse looks out over its stall door. The SUV pulls up and stops. Jack and Will in the front seat.

Will and Jack approach the doors and find them open. Share a look and then Jack pulls the door aside and they enter. It is dark inside, but full of low noises...

SCRATCHING, SKITTERING, SQUEAKS and BREATHING. Like the room is somehow alive.

Jack KNOCKS on the doorframe. And the room explodes with NOISE. On every wall, floor-to-ceiling metal cages contain small WILD ANIMALS in different stages of medical care. Raccoons, skunks, squirrels and birds of all kinds. All now going crazy with AGITATION.

“Scare them when ya' knock like that.” Y/N, Jack, and Will turn to find PETER BERNARDONE, a weathered, lean man. Wild-looking himself. A scar on his forehead. “Peter Bernardone?” Jack asks as Peter moves past them, his focus on the animals as he lowers DROP CLOTHS over the cages, immediately quieting them.

“You don't seem curious who we are.”

“Who are you?”

“Agent Jack Crawford. FBI. This is Will Graham. And Dr. Y/N L/N. We'd like to ask you about someone you might have had contact with when you worked at Blackbriar Stables. Sarah Craber. Her body was found recently in very unusual circumstances.” Jack explains as he approaches the wary man. “I heard.” I notice that Peter doesn't like to make eye contact. He’s fidgety, but not erratic.

“There was a bird in her chest. Did you hear about that?” I ask softly, Peter stiffens slightly: “Is 

“Yes.” A flicker of relief flashes across Peter's face. “Who's taking care of it?”

“How well did you know Sarah Craber?” Jack asks, not entertaining any talk of the bird. “I didn't know her.”

“Would you mind looking at a photograph for me?” Jack pulls out a picture. Peter shakes his head, turns and murmurs to his animals. “I know who she is, I just didn't know her.”

“Just to be sure.” Reluctantly, Peter takes it. Will is watching him closely.Taking a deep breath, Peter turns his line of sight away from Jack. Reaches for the photo. Looks at it closely, then

repeats the same pattern. Looks away from Jack. Then hands him the photo. Under this, Me and Will exchange looks.

“Peter, you had a head injury when you worked at the stables.” I ask Him gently. “I was kicked by a horse.” Jack looks at Me. “It's an atypical motor response. Peter's ability to look and touch can only happen as separate events. Aggravated by stress, isn't it?” Peter glances at Me, exposed and somehow understood.

“Are you feeling stressed?” Asks Jack. “I'm worried about the bird.” He plays with his fingers anxiously as he looks at the animals. “A woman is dead, Mr. Bernardone. And you're worried about a bird.” Jack says, frustrated. “I'm sad for her, I'm sad for the horse. But I can't help them. I can help the bird.” He turns away and goes to the cages. 

As We walk back to the car: “He knows the victim. He knows the animals involved.” Will says logically. Jack nods. “We'll need a warrant.”

“I don't know if he's the killer, Jack. If he is, he never meant to be. If he isn't, he knows who is.” I say knowingly and usually I am right. Peter might not be the one who killed her but he definitely is the one who sewed her body into the horse's uterus.

HANNIBAL LECTER'S OFFICE - DAY-

Will sits with Hannibal. Mid therapy session. “You were able to reconstruct his fantasies. One dead creature giving birth to another. The bird, his victim's new beating heart. Her soul given wings.” 

“Rebirths can only ever be symbolic. en reborn. en reborn. Wasn't that the goal of my therapy?” Will adjusts himself in his seat. Manspreading. “How does it feel consulting again with Jack Crawford and the FBI? Last time it nearly destroyed you.” Hannibal Tilts his head.

“Last time you nearly destroyed me. At least I still have Y/N.” Hannibal sighs. “After everything that's happened, Will, you still believe–”

“You can stop right there. You may have to pretend, but I don't.” Hannibal stares at Will, smiles, then: don't. Not with me.

“I don't expect you to admit anything. You can't. But I prefer sins of omission to outright lies, Dr. Lecter. Don't lie to me.”

“Will you return the courtesy? Why have you resumed your therapy?”

“Can't just talk to any psychiatrist about what's kicking round my head.” Hannibal gauges Will thoughtfully, then asks: “Do you fantasize about killing me?” “Yes.”

“Tell me. How would you do it?” Will considers that a moment, then: “With my hands.”

“Then we haven't moved past apologies and forgiveness.”

“We've moved past a lot  of things. I discovered a truth about myself when I tried to have you killed. And another when I heard Y/N almost died”

“That doing bad things to bad people makes you feel good?”

“Yes. And that I would do anything to keep Y/N safe.”

“I need to know if you're going to try to kill me again, Will.”

“I don't want to kill you anymore, Dr. Lecter, not now that I finally find you interesting.”

on Hannibal as He slides a FBI file towards Will, The Intitials, C.E.B. on the tab. Y/N Elizabeth L/N. “What’s this-?” Will asks confused. “You should know who you're protecting.” 

FIELD - NIGHT-

That the grave is at the center of FIFTEEN other graves. Nowwe see POLICE VEHICLES. BAU TECHS move in and out of FRAME. Large SPOTLIGHTS turning night into day. Brian Zeller stops his work as he sees Will Graham approaching in long strides towards Y/N. A long beat. Then he approaches Will.

“I owe you an apology.”

“You don't owe me anything.”

“I thought you were a killer. Didn't want to hear anything else. So I wouldn't consider anything else.”

“The evidence was compelling.”

“Didn't stop Beverly questioning it. If she thought we'd listen, maybe she'd have come to us.” She didn't. And there is the pain for all of them. Brian Zeller holds out a hand. Will shakes it. As they part, reveal Jack Crawford and Y/N standing behind them, letting them get it done. He looks at Will. “We tracked the soil in Sarah Craber's mouth to this vicinity. Methane probes did the rest. Found her empty grave. Then found fifteen others that aren't so empty.”

“If Peter Bernardone knew about Sarah Craber's grave, then he knew about all of them.” 

“Still think he's not a killer?”

WILL GRAHAM’S CAR - DAY -

I get into the passenger seat of Will’s car. We sit there for a moment in silence, watching the FBI personnel vehicles leave. “Y/N…..” I turn my head and look at him. What's that look on his face? Why is he looking at me like that? What does he know? Will sighs deeply. “Why didn't you tell me you killed your mother….”

My eyes widen. No. Those files were sealed. Jack assured me- “Will- I- How-” “Hannibal had the file” My brows furrow. “He shouldn't have had access-” “Y/N just tell me-” I look down at my Hands, flashes of the gun, bodies and blood splatter comes back. “I had just come home from cheer practice…..I was sixteen and I was the oldest of 7 children…..” I tear up remembering my Brother's Faces. “I was the only girl ...When I got home that day…. I didn't expect to see my Brother's bodies on the floor……” I hear Will take a deep Breath. I've told this story many times…but it's never easy.

 He grasps my Hands. “I tried to look for a pulse on any of them but ...they were all gone. Even my dad. When i saw my mom i was holding my youngest brother Peter. Mom was covered in blood but didn't have a scratch on her….”

“She Had Killed my family, and she was going to kill me too” Will lifts my chin, “I’m so sorry….” He hugs me as I cry in his arms.

ANIMAL RESCUE - DAY-

Will sits on one side of the examination table. Peter sits on the other side. The bird is between them, acting as a buffer as Will coaxes conversation out of Peter. “Said you're worried about the bird. Thought you might like to see it.”

“Isn't this evidence?”

“I'm not FBI. I used to sort of be FBI. But now I'm really not.”

“What are you?”

“I'm figuring that out. You might say this is some kind of therapy.”

“I've already got a social worker.”

“Therapy's not for you, it's for me. The agent I was here with. He's coming back with a warrant. He'll arrest you, impound your animals. And it will break your heart.” Will says 

“I didn't kill anybody. I didn't, but that's not always relevant. What did you do, Peter? They found Sarah Craber's grave. How did you find it?” Will says  Peter's attention drifts from Will, focusing on the robin. “Funny how you can develop an individual language with an animal only you can understand. No one else knows, not even other animals. This one's already speaking to me.”

“This one's spoken to you before. At some point, almost every culture believed birds carried our souls the afterlife They can't all be wrong” “You think I think this bird is Sarah Craber? She's gone, she's everywhere and nowhere.”

“Tell me who killed her.” Peter goes still, thoughtful. He regards the bird. “After something so ugly, I just wanted something beautiful for her.”

“You were grieving her. You couldn't save her, but you could bring poetry to her death.” Will says calmly.

“I wanted you to find me. If you could find me, you could find him.” Peter says as he watches the bird. The caged bird. Maybe Peter himself is the caged bird, trapped by his shadow. “Do you have a shadow, Peter? Someone only you can see. He's someone you considered a friend. He made you feel you weren't alone. Until you saw what he really is, and it made you even lonelier.”

“No one will believe me. He'll make sure no one will believe me.”

“I'll make sure they do.”

BAU - INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT-

Y/N is with CLARK INGRAM, late 30s, neat, smiling. The TWO-WAY MIRROR is at Y/N’s Back. Mid conversation: “Every social worker enjoys some aspects of the job more than others. There are cases that you reach and cases you don't reach.” Clark regards, “Your notes on Peter Bernardone's file are drastically different than the ones from his last case worker.” I say as I go through his reports and look up at him. 

“The social services system is far from perfect. It's common to omit certain information on difficult cases to clear a path in the world for those stuck in the weeds.”  I nod my head softly,“His sort of traumatic brain injury can make someone more vulnerable to psychological disorders.” 

“Post-concussion syndrome. He's had persistent cognitive problems. Confusion, paranoia, rage. Would have refused his case if I'd known.” He says his eyes are emotionless. Hello shadow…..“You don't seem to feel sorry for your client. A surprising lack of empathy in a social worker. “ I say looking into his eyes.

“Bernardone has accused me of murdering sixteen women.” He says with a clench of his jaw but his composure never breaks. “How does that make you feel?” I write down his actions, and what I observe. “Right now I'm feeling inconvenienced. I'm being detained on the word of one very damaged individual.”

“You're not being detained, you're being interviewed. The FBI is just being thorough.”

I bend to scribble a note. Ingram's smile falls. When she looks up, he smiles again. Automatic. A mask. “What are you writing down?” “An observation.”

“About me?” I smile at Ingram and seemingly instinctively reaches out to touch Ingram's hand on the tabletop. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” He pulls his hand away. His face changes, eyes become still and cold. Then he smiles again, forcing charm back through.

“Did you know Sarah Craber?”

“No. Peter talked about her extensively during my house visits. I'd say he was obsessed with her.”

“You think Peter Bernardone is capable of murder?”

“I'm not a psychiatrist, Dr. L/N.” Y/N nods, makes another note.

“I'm curious, Mr. Ingram. Why did you become a social worker?”

“Society needs caring people.”

“It also needs a few psychopaths to  keep the rest of us on our toes.”  He leans forward, the smile gone now. “There is no evidence I did this. It's a statement of fact for him, not of innocence. And if you want to know how I feel, I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. If I'm not being detained, I'd like to be on my way.” I watch him without speaking.

ANIMAL RESCUE - NIGHT-

Oddly quiet and still. Dark inside, but the low noises we've heard before are absent. Peter walks inside and senses something is wrong. Turns on a light to find – THE WALLS OF CAGES Are all empty. Their doors thrown open. The food and bedding tossed haphazardly about.

Peter moans deep within himself. Turns and exits --

Peter comes out running and heads for the large-animal barn. He rushes inside.

ANIMAL RESCUE - LARGE-ANIMAL BARN - NIGHT-

The horse lies dead on the floor amidst the pens and stalls. Bleeding out from a head wound,  next to a bloody hammer. Peter drops to his knees and strokes the horse's head. A shadow falls across him and he turns to see Clark Ingram standing behind him. Incongruously, Ingram holds a bloodied hammer, a tuft of black horse hair stuck to the blood.

“What have you done, Peter? I'm worried about you. You've been expressing a lot of rage recently.” Peter stares at him as if he were mad, tears welling.

“So often in my line of work, I see people take out their resentments on those closest to them. It's a sad fact of human nature. And your brain injury leaves you prone to extremes of emotion. The way you think is compromised. Peter, you're destroying your life.” Peter is realizing how realistic this version of events sounds. Shakes his head. Agitated. Hating the kernel of truth behind these lies.

“Sarah was a sad reminder of all the things you'll never have. And that's the very horse who

kicked you in the head.” Peter looks at the horse. “She was scared, she didn't mean to.”

“Some will say this was a long-time coming. I know I will. Already have. Sixteen women, Peter. You killed the first shortly after your accident. You killed them because you weren't worthy of them.” Clark sounds so plausible. He smiles at Peter, suddenly his eyes are so cruel. “You Killed them”

“If I had killed them, it's because I decided they were worthy of me.” His cruelty and malice are too much for Peter who quietly eyes the hammer in Clark Ingram's hand .

 ANIMAL RESCUE - NIGHT-

Hannibal's car comes in and Will exits. Will rushes toward the shelter with a now awake Y/N trailing behind him. Will and Y/N enter. Scan the room. Realizing the place has been ransacked. Will stares at the devastation. Hannibal appears behind him. Will draws his gun, turns and rushes back past Hannibal.  Y/N and Will run across the yard to the large-animal barn.

“Peter?! Peter Bernardone?!”Will enters the barn.

ANIMAL RESCUE - LARGE-ANIMAL BARN - NIGHT-

Peter Turns and looks at Will and Y/N. His face is streaked with blood. A cut on his head. Peter is kneeling before the dead black horse, a pool of blood spreading around him from the terrible wound in its abdomen which he is fin Hannibal appears at Will's shoulder. Will lowers his gun.

Will and Hannibal are still looking at Peter on the floor by the dead black horse.ishing stitching. The horse's belly is horribly distended. “Peter….is your social worker inside that horse?” I ask softly. Peter nods.

“We are hardwired to see human beings everywhere. Every animal. Every life. We're all human.”

“Even God is personified.” Hannibal says softly. “He couldn't see that. He forfeited his humanity. I forfeited mine. I used to have a horrible fear of hurting anything. He helped me get over that. Feels so abnormal.”

“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal  situation is normal behavior.”

“He deserves to die.” WILL, sad for Peter. “But you didn't deserve to kill him. I want you to come with me, Peter.” Peter nods, stands and allows Will to lead him from the building and out into the darkness beyond. HANNIBAL Taking in the scene, the metallic tang of blood thick in the air as he sniffs it. He turns away and considers the night sky.

the dead horse in the background. The flesh undulates. Guts spill. And then, as a BLOODIED HAND forces its way out, grasping for ground.

ANIMAL RESCUE - NIGHT -

Peter Bernardone moves sadly through the wreckage, righting things, picking up cages, etc. Like a bereft mourner in the space of a lost loved one. The absence pains him  “Cowbirds lay their eggs in other birds' nests. Tricks them into raising their chicks. But a robin knows when it's being used.”

“Did you know?”

“I didn't want to know. If a robin removes a cowbird's egg from its nest, the cowbird will destroy that nest, eggs and all.” “Out of spite?” “It's not spite. Spite is uniquely human. We just don't understand why the cowbirds do it.”

“What was done to you was cruelty for cruelty's sake.” Peter opens empty cages, as if to coax the animals home.“Some of them will survive on their own. Some of them won't. Some of them will come home. But I won't be here when they do, will I?”

“No.” “I hate him.”

“I envy your hate. Makes it much easier when you know how to feel.”

“Makes what easier?” “Killing them.”

“I didn't kill him. I wanted him to wake up in death and choke on it.”

ANIMAL RESCUE - LARGE-ANIMAL BARN - NIGHT -

the black horse's body to reveal Clark Ingram as he stands, fouled with blood and slime. Hannibal has his back to Clark. Smiling as he feeds a handful of meal to a PIG in a stall.

across the floor, past Hannibal, toward Clark. As we get close, we RACK FOCUS from Clark's nightmarish slick face to the steel of the hammer still clotted with gore… He bends and picks it up. Reveal Hannibal watching, bemused and impressed.

“Mr. Ingram.” Clark stands still, momentarily thrown by this polite greeting.

“Might want to crawl back in there, if you know what's good for you.” Hannibal turns his head and Will Graham steps out of darkness, coming INTO FOCUS as he enters the barn, gun raised before him. Hannibal steps to one side. Watching, fascinated. Will approaches Ingram.

As Will approaches with the gun, Ingram sees murder in his eyes and drops the hammer. it drops into the dirt and falls sideways. Clark holds out his arms and drops to his knees like a

penitent. Smiles up at the advancing Will. 

“Officer, I'm the victim here.”

“I'm not an officer. I'm a friend of Peter's.” His face falls as Will cocks the hammer. “Peter's confused.” the barrel of the gun to the cocked hammer and then Will's face beyond.

“I'm not. Pick up the hammer.”

“Will.”

“Pick it up.”

Will's finger tightens on the trigger. His gaze and expression become steely and inscrutable.Hannibal moves to Will, a devil on his shoulder, whispers: “It won't feel the same, Will. It won't feel like killing me.”  “It doesn't have to. I know what it will feel like. It'll feel good.”

“You did the best anyone could do for Peter, but don't do this for him. Not for Mr. Ingram's victims or their many friends and relatives who would love to see him dead. If you're going to do this, Will...You have to do it for yourself.” I say as I kiss him on the cheek softly. My hand stroking his arm.

“Please don't.”

“You would be wise to remain silent, Mr. Ingram.” I say firmly. To see him dead would make me glad. Wish i could do it myself, but not today…not right now. I want to see what Will would do.

“This is not the reckoning you promised yourself, Will.” His finger so tight --the trigger CLICKS -- the hammer FALLS -- HANNIBAL'S FINGER, between the hammer and firing pin. Will looks at Hannibal as Hannibal slides his hand around Will's and pulls the gun away. Hannibal talks quietly to Will and I: 

“With all my knowledge and intrusion, I could never entirely predict either of you. I can feed the caterpillar, whisper through the chrysalis, but what hatches follows its own nature and is beyond me. You truly are a Butterfly Y/N.”

[review-of-all-who]

Boom

Everyone was shitting on this title so much and then Moffat gave us an absolute banger. This episode is incredible. Ncuti had to stand in one place for a full fucking episode and still gave us some of the best acting I've ever seen. The pathos of it is excellent. And god the themes and commentary.

Moffat is commenting on so much here and it deeply helps that he's a grumpy old man in the exact same ways I am. The episode really is a my philosophy speed run. He really just said.

"the church is an organisation created to justify atrocities, war is perpetuated by capitalism because humans matter less than money, medicine run like a business devalues human life and costs lives, faith is a powerful tool that when wielded unwisely can be used to justify horrific acts because it needs no proof but can be a useful tool in providing comfort when faced with life's biggest questions, fundamentally after death all that matters is the impact you make on others, Susan should be talked about in terms of her affect on the doctor more, the cooperate sheen of pleasantries as it commits horrific acts is deeply dehumanising and frustrating, thoughts and prays mean nothing and are annoying as hell, algorithms should never be in charge of decisions that require an ethical system and compassion"

Just incredible that he manages to put all that in 45 minutes so succinctly. I am very much forgiving him for his show runner crimes because this was such a god damn banger.

Also I'm really interested to see where Mundy goes considering she might well become the next companion. The doctor did say he was coming back so it would be super cool if we actually get a companion from the future again. Her being an Anglican marine and thus having some tension with the doctor would be fascinating to explore. Bonus points is Mundy Sunday becomes real. I'd adore that.

My hopes aren't too high, doctor who does avoid future companions nowadays but if we are keeping Ruby on board then maayyyybe it's won't just be a future version of her.

Also if you want my predictions, Ruby or the doctor are related to the toymaker. Mrs Flood is Susan (she's been brought up way too much not to be in the show). That's my theory. We'll see if I'm right

[cyjanometan]

and through blood we shall be cleansed: waiting upon eternal judgement

After witnessing the attempted killing of Abigail Hobbs, a young priest seeks out the help of a renowned psychiatrist to whom he was referred: Doctor Hannibal Lecter.

The young priest sat restlessly in the waiting room, petrified and somewhat considering running away before the door to the psychiatrist's office could open. One might consider it irrational behaviour - objectively the worst was already behind him, considering what he has experienced.

The story of a priest who not only witnessed an attempted killing, but also has taken a life on the crime scene, quickly gained traction with the media. And thus, William Graham was summoned before the archbishop, and then later sent to the Vatican. The pope has released an official statement regarding the event, as has the police, and Will, after many hours spent being interrogated, was finally left to his own devices. Mostly - he could return to his duties as a priest, but he was obliged to seek out psychiatric help from doctor Lecter.

And thus, despite having already survived more awful things than a therapy session, there he sat, terrified, waiting seemingly for eternity, about to face his own personal form of the final judgement.

He was never one of the people who could easily open up. It proved even more difficult for him when faced with the possibility of getting a diagnosis based on the information he could reveal to the doctor. At least, that's how William explained the paralysing fear to himself. He would not dare ruminate on the actual reason: the feelings that have been slowly growing within him for the past few weeks. He begged for forgiveness, spoke of his overwhelming guilt regarding the killing, and yet... He would prefer not to think of the eerie feeling that accompanied him in those moments. But unfortunately for him, analysing feelings was what therapy was all about. He thought once more about leaving, about how he could blame it on the flu or some other thing, but before his plan could spring into action, the "click" of the lock could be heard and the door was opened.

Graham stood up, unconsciously straightening the collar on his neck, and looked at the man before him. The doctor had an obviously fine-made and expensive suit on. His figure was lean, his face and hair were well-groomed, and he wore a pleasant expression on his handsome face.

After a polite greeting, Will was invited into the office. It was quite a big room, tidy and elegantly decorated. Sweaty, dishevelled Will felt he must have looked awfully miserable in comparison.

"My name is Hannibal Lecter" the doctor introduced himself. "Please, take a seat."

As he sat in the chair the doctor presented him, Will threw a gaze on the man's face. He averted his gaze quickly though, blinking, trying to shake off the association between the psychiatrist and the final judge that sprung out in his head involuntarily upon seeing his piercing eyes.

"Before we begin, how shall I address you? Father Graham?"

The use of his title made Will shudder. Despite having been ordained almost a year ago, he still couldn't get used to being called "father". It possessed authority he felt couldn't be found in him.

"Just mister Graham is fine" he responded plainly. "Thank you, doctor."

The psychiatrist simply nodded.

Will tried to focus on whatever had been coming out of doctor Lecter's mouth, tried to stop himself from squirming under the analytic gaze of the opposing man. He felt as though he was back again in the confessional. Will preferred to be the one wearing the stole - giving absolution was always easier than receiving it. It came with less dubiety regarding the sinner's ability to obtain it.

Will answered the psychiatrist's questions somewhat avoidantly, looking at the clock every seven minutes, praying to all that is holy for the time to pass quicker.

During the next session, the process began again. Will sat in the slightly-too-soft chair, self-consciously thinking about the pristine office and how much dirt he must be bringing in. He felt the the opposing man's piercing gaze. All his instincts were screaming at him to sink into the floor, and yet, to his surprise, he couldn't stop himself from looking back at Hannibal. He saw a slight twinkling in the older man's eyes for a moment, and then the questions begun again.

Will questioned whether every patient of mister Lecter felt as tought the doctor was trying to penetrate through the layers of their skin. Doctor Lecter sat most elegantly, calmly speaking, as charming and peaceful as a man can get. Despite that, Will looked at him and saw him wanting to open his cranium up and pull his brain out. Would it be truly that interesting to examine? He never spared another moment to the thoughts which Hannibal was desperate to get him to confess. They were sinful, unbecoming of a priest. He devoted his life to God. He was a man of God and it was his duty to uphold the Christian values, the ones of which he spoke during his communions.

Purity, serenity, patience. Bearing the duty of leadership, he stood before the congregation trying to embody the principles he proposed.

He felt like a fraud. The mask of a pious priest he so precisely crafted for himself was what kept him afloat. For a brief moment, he feared that the feeling of Hannibal peeking into his mind was rooted in reality - that the doctor looked at him and truly saw who he was. He would be terrified.

[huntershowl]

SHIPPING INFO // ANSWER THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR MUSES SO PEOPLE KNOW HOW SHIPPING WORKS ON YOUR BLOG.

WHAT IS YOUR OTP FOR YOUR CHARACTER(S)?

tough to answer for an oc, but i'm gonna be honest, the oldest ride-or-die slowburn ship has been @tewwor's litho and i'll always be a little bit obsessed with him & seph.

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE?

uhhh obviously when one muse is a minor. other than that, i feel like... it depends so hard. if we're talking two adult humans, 10 yrs is fine as long as one of the muses is over like 25? generally the older the younger person is the less i'm bothered by an age gap. like if the younger person is in their 30s/40s/50s it's not a huge deal anymore. also obviously long lifespans/immortality are generally exempt as long as the other muse is ALSO AN ADULT.

as y'all can see by the list further down, seph's age ranges WILDLY between verses, timelines and dynamics (anywhere from a young teen to early 30s). i always try to keep her age relatively close to the ship partner's!

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED NSFT?

i'd play it as safe as possible and say as soon as things progress past a passionate makeout session SKJDHJKDHS

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING?

YES BIG TIME.... seph is such a difficult character to ship with. i LOVE shipping so i do have a decent amount of them on this blog, but it always requires chemistry, plotting, and a Lot of patience and toughness on the partner's part to deal with all the ABSOLUTE FUCKSHIT that comes with choosing to stay by her side.

WHO ARE OTHER CHARACTERS YOU SHIP YOUR CHARACTER WITH?

current: @tewwor — litho, jie & ricochet (polycule), lior & adal (polycule) @crowshoots — jesper @crowgreeds — kaz @vsagis — izuku (potential/future) @sevenbulletsavior — karen (potential/future) god i hope i'm not — forgetting anyone, please forgive me if so past: peaky blinders — tommy shelby daredevil — matt murdock arcane — silco (older verse obvi), vi (younger verse obvi) several OCs over the years. <3

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU?

IS THAT NOT CONSIDERED NORMAL???

ARE YOU SHIP-OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE-OR-LESS?

i am Obsessed. i've just made it so fucking difficult for myself YWHDSDHDSJ

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM?

n/a

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU?

just write & plot w me!! and if the vibe is there, we can chat about it! please always feel free to ask about it — as i said, i'm ship Obsessed (and love attention <3) so even if i don't feel the vibe, i'm still so happy to be reached out to.

generally, the types of people seph has the most romantic chemistry with are:

powerful crime boss types (tendency toward either healthy or toxic devotion. guard dog archetype. she would bare her throat to them)

equally angry, mean or violent mfers who oppose them at first (fight fight fight!!!! learn about each other!!! bonding!!!! look in the mirrors that are their eyes!!!! literary foils!!!!!! AAAAA!!!! forced proximity!!! enemies to lovers!!! so so many fun tropes here)

generally, conflict drives chemistry for seph! her brain's so fucked up man. so characters she sees as an equal in some way a++

other things that help: pre-established relationships (like childhood pals) when seph was younger/generally before hellhound, so that they know for a fact she didn't use to be a monster. "what happened to you." extreeeeemely juicy shit. / being part of the unseen's inner circle, which lends itself to trust / being her employer, which lends itself to loyalty.

tagged by : stoled from @noquirks <3

[aeliussaionji]

Scattered thoughts on my relationship to media

I often muse "since criticism is subjective, how do we confidently asses a thing? Who decided what makes something 'good'?". hbomberguy's "RWBY is Disappointing" video is making me do just that.

Going in I expected him to reveal things I overlooked, as I can be pretty bad at noticing inconsistencies in media. But to the contrary, in the first half of the video, he focuses on talking about aspects of the show I don't care about, or even find endearing. The latter half(ish) focuses more on how the writers drop the ball in trying to tackle the subject of racism. In the rest of these scattered thoughts I am not referring to that- largely because I didn't watch it all at once, and much of my thoughts happened following my first intermission.

But first- something else entirely:

Some years ago, friends and I discussed our thoughts on the new star wars trilogy. The movie where Kylo and Rey team up for the fight in the throne room is easily my favorite of the three. The first entry was boring and the third one is a crime. But the second- it explores new ideas about the Force not being binary, has amazing visual scenes (some of which everyone hates for the lore implications), it has that friggin' amazing throne room fight where Light and Dark team up, after which there's a very compelling "we should join forces" moment. Given how much the movie had broken off traditional star wars thus far, I was genuinely uncertain what Rey would do, and in that moment I was more engaged than I had ever been with any star wars content before.

People who dislike that movie counter with "but why would the commander do X in scene Y? Makes no sense!" or "the whole sequence with the casino was bad". And to me that's… I literally don't remember those things exist until people complain about them. I am laser focused on what I enjoyed and tune out what didn't work for me. In the discussion I was having among friends, the primary complaint they had is how the second movie breaks continuity of the trilogy. As I see it, the first movie is unobjectionable and technically good, I never hear passionate criticism for that. It's also just a nothing burger. I've near forgotten the entire thing. Nothing happens in it to pique my interest. It seems that's true for others as well, given that any discussion of the trilogy I've heard very quickly becomes about what the second movie did wrong. Would the second movie be "better" if it were as unobjectionable as the first? Would the trilogy? Many seem to prefer simpler works with competent execution, which, I can get into as well! But when shards of creativity capture my attention, I find myself either forgiving flaws, forgetting them, or filling in blanks where no details were provided. So: I don't give a damn that the trilogy is now incoherent as a whole! I really, really, like certain scenes of the second movie and give zero thoughts to the rest.

To which my friend responds, "do that in a different story!" But does that mean they'd prefer something competently constructed and less creative, like the first movie was? After all, I see plenty of energy spent dressing down sloppy execution of the second movie, but hardly any energy is given to criticizing how creatively bankrupt the first movie is. In this dichotomy I've constructed, I feel I'm in the minority for preferring a creative mess.

(Also the reality of capitalism in Hollywood is that writers don't often have the freedom to just make new IPs; existing IPs are what's on the table and writers make due. That's how it's gonna be, might as well consider such stories to be standalone. Blame capitalism, not the writers.)

Back to RWBY: hbomberguy keeps complaining that RWBY's animation, writing, voice acting, songs, etc are all amateur. And, yeah man, it's literally a first work by amateurs. Halfway through his video, the point he keeps returning to is that the show has good ideas but the amateur efforts holds it back. And… yeah man, amateurs have good ideas sometimes? Ep1 pretty firmly establishes the level of quality the creators are bringing to the table, and I calibrated my expectations accordingly.

More than just calibrating my expectations, I can find the amateur aspect endearing, and I enjoy seeing the voice actors and animators and writers improve as the series goes along. It's like its own meta narrative- we the viewers get to witness the voice actors grow more confident over time. They come a long way from their early shy and clunky performances.

Now, I don't necessarily think that criticism should be "calibrated" to expectations, or that media should be graded on a curve. It's completely fair to judge what's on the table no matter who made it. I agree with basically all of hbomberguy's criticisms, I'm enjoying the detective work he has done to outline how and why the quality may have suffered, I'm laughing along with his jokes, and certainly his criticisms could help the team grow as creators. It's just that his delivery leaves me wondering if he's playing up his reactions for comedic effect, or if he genuinely can't engage with amateur efforts. This leads me to an introspective thought spiral- there are many examples of media I quite like where the execution is fumbled in some way. There are many examples of media with stellar execution, but I'm simply bored by the content. If I were to ever try and formally criticize something, what form should my criticism take in this framework? Should my criticism value execution over creativity? Excellent execution can be an art in of itself and I often do enjoy a job well done, but in general I don't derive much enjoyment from how technically well executed the art is. Should I, though? Are my media recommendations to friends worse off for my tendency to forget that which doesn't interest me? Should my critique spend time grading creators on form, even when the mistakes don't bother me personally, or is it enough to simply expand only on what I personally experience? Does loving content with poor execution mean I have mid taste in media?

There is another more personal layer to my thought spiral reaction. hbomberguy spends some time demonstrating that certain concepts in RWBY are not explained well and would be confusing to first time viewers. This leads me to think that I'm so accustomed to being out of the loop that I don't blink when something doesn't make sense, and in fact I might not even notice ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

There are many works which avoid directly stating authorial intent, instead (hopefully) leaving enough information for the audience to arrive at the conclusion themselves. This is often stated as "respecting the intelligence of the audience". Problem is, I may not have enough context to work it out, and I'm not always on my A-game while consuming media. Probably most of the time I am very much not! I think I've come to assume that when I encounter a point of confusion, the failing is mine.

Me, enjoying a show as much of the subtler meaning flies over my head:

[satansapostle6]

folie à deux

Sometimes poison is sweet.

Selina Romanov and Draco Malfoy met when they were only eleven years old. The two of them have always shared an intense bond, always having gravitated towards one another. But the question still remains, as the years pass by, is their connection one of passion, or delusion?

Warnings: Contains Mature Themes/Language, Themes Such As Sexual Content, Violence, Abuse, Sexual Assault, Eating Disorders

Eleven.

It wasn't too difficult for Amana Tesfaye to forgive Elspeth for what she'd said as the week went on. The girls were all perfectly fine by the time the weekend hit, which meant that they all could look forward to going to the Valentine's Day party together.

  "Hey Sel, do you like this top on me?" Amana sighed, exhausting all of her options for the long-awaited Valentine's Day party. 

  "I think it looks perfect, babe," Selina assured her as she put on her makeup. "A darker red is perfect for you. Very moody."

  "Good, that's exactly what I was going for," the girl sighed as she examined and evaluated her outfit in the mirror. 

Amana was the only one out of the three girls who had decided against wearing a dress. She had decided she'd go with her elegant, one-sleeved red top and matching skirt. Each of the girls ended up in completely different romantic situations for Valentine's Day; Amana was obviously completely single, while Selina was very much established as dating Jasper Carroll, while Elspeth wasn't necessarily dating anyone, but she and Evan Howerton, a fourth-year Ravenclaw, had been spending a decent amount of time together and would be meeting up at the party, which was being held in the Slytherin common room as usual, while Fred and George Weasley, on behalf of the Gryffindor students as their contribution to the school-wide event, distracted Mr. Filch with outlandish and slightly dangerous pranks that could also be considered crimes depending on who you asked. Kelly Cross, with Selina's approval, had made the RSVP for this year's Valentine's Day party mandatory, simply so that Selina could find out as soon as possible whether she had the satisfaction of knowing if Draco Malfoy would be showing up to the party without his own girlfriend, who of course was intentionally as well as spitefully not invited. Evidently, the day after the invitations were distributed amongst Hogwarts students, Kelly had received an owl from Draco, which showed that he'd checked 'yes' on the invitation. 

Although Pansy Parkinson's audaciously disrespectful tendencies were very far down Selina Romanov's list of worries that night, she of course allowed herself to cautiously revel in the fact that, this time, she'd won. Selina thought about nothing but the fun party she would be hosting tonight alongside Jasper, her loving boyfriend who she couldn't stop thinking about every time she thought of Valentine's Day. Jasper was the one person who she felt truly happy with, which was a sort of debt that she had no idea how to repay. When it came to Jasper Carroll, she did in fact feel guilty about many things, whether it was the way he always carried her things when they were together, or the way he always waited on her to put on her makeup in the mornings, or the way he intentionally spoke less in conversations just so he could hear her speak, or the way she knew most people would be asking to take photos of her and Draco tonight instead of her and Jasper. She knew that while he put up with all of these things simply because he cared about her, she still felt, sometimes, that he deserved better. Selina couldn't help but feel a bit like Jasper deserved a better girlfriend than her, and it was all the more frustrating to her when people would just shake their heads and tell her there's no such thing. She was in love with Jasper, and sometimes, she tortured herself with it, the same way her mother had being married to her father. 

Adeline Romanov wrote in one of her journals that loving a man was like gripping a glass so hard in your hands that it breaks, and her daughter grew to think she was a genius. Selina felt that she was also a genius like her mother because, at times, she found herself suicidal like her mother had been on occasion. Selina wasn't suicidal in that she felt the obstacles in her life that she faced were too insurmountable to tolerate, but she was more suicidal because she felt that the brain she'd been given wasn't optimal for the human existence. She felt she was born defective, and needed to be euthanized before any further damage was done to herself or others. Selina didn't see herself as a person at all because she had come to realize that it wasn't normal the way she was incredibly aware of every single one of her emotions, whims, and desires, as well as their origin at any given movement, and that she had grown so accustomed to mimicking others in every possible aspect that she realized that no matter which face she chose to put on, at the end of the day, none of them were real, which meant that everyone who got to know her would ultimately end up disappointed, no matter who they were. Selina was the kind of person who grew up mirroring and adapting to the qualities of others to survive, and she found she had grown into the kind of person who just didn't know how to stop. And it was something she knew that her mother would've been able to relate to, had she still been alive. 

Selina never grew tired of appealing to people in every way she could possibly imagine. It was a game to her, a game she'd proved to herself that she was no longer capable of losing. She found there to be an undeniable art to earning people's favor, a complex and unique art full of various subtleties and details that had to be observed. Although everyone at Hogwarts mostly considered Selina to merely be another beautiful girl with no brains whatsoever, often forgetting that she was actually something of a genius, in more ways than one. It was Professor McGonagall that had first noticed during Selina's first year at Hogwarts that she had an uncanny, even eerie, way of being able to understand any logistical aspect of magic, or anything else, for that matter. Selina was a genius when it came to taking things apart bit by bit and understanding how they worked, whether it was a spell, or a person. She never had any trouble understanding the inner workings of any person or thing, and she always knew exactly how to manipulate the materials she was given to achieve the desired effect. All she had to know was what she wanted, in order to be able to set things in motion to get it. The trouble was, that sometimes, Selina had no idea what she wanted. 

Selina had no idea why she wasn't happy with her life. Of course, she was perfectly satisfied with her life, but that was something she'd learned was entirely different. Selina had attained good grades, and an optimal social standing. She had friends she loved and trusted, and a boyfriend she also loved and trusted, who absolutely revered her. Everything in Selina's life after Marcus Flint had raped her was going relatively well, but still, she found herself unhappy. Naturally, Selina had attributed this to what she'd experienced with Flint, but still, she felt miserable and unfulfilled in ways she had no clue how to rectify. Her lack of satisfaction was something she tried to tuck away and ignore as she carefully swept black mascara over her eyelashes, using her alone time in front of the mirror to remind herself again how to hide herself away from everyone else. She applied the last bit of gold glitter to her eyes and nose to blend in with the party's decadent Valentine's Day decorations. 

  "I'm going to get dressed," Selina announced casually, neither of her friends caring that they were all in the room.

The girls had all grown accustomed to one another by now. She pulled her nightclothes off to reveal her carefully selected undergarments that matched her white dress. The dress was a loose-fitting silken baby doll dress that fit the party's theme perfectly. The dress had been one of Selina's mother's favorite summer dresses from her teenage years, which she'd gotten in France. It was a white, strapless dress made from silk and chiffon with a beautiful sweetheart neckline adorned with a delicate pink silk bow, which Selina happened to know perfectly matched Jasper's pale pink silk tie. The girls were all happy with their ensembles for the party, heading out into the hall together in their outfits. Although this year the Slither Court had decided against a color-coded theme for the party in favor of a more sophisticated theme, they found that this worked in their favor, considering that the Hogwarts students had all collectively elected to color-code their outfits anyways, those in relationships wearing white, and those who were single wearing red, while everyone else wore pink. 

  "I wonder what outfits we're going to see tonight," Elspeth remarked as the girls made their way through the corridor. 

Just as she spoke, her friends noticed that a scene was already unfolding in the hall, between Draco and Pansy, who was dressed nicely for a party she wouldn't be allowed to attend. 

  "You're seriously fucking going without me?!" Pansy Parkinson demanded in disbelief.

  "I mean, you can try to get in, but I don't think it's going to work!" 

  "I can't believe I can't get into a party happening in my own common room!"

  "I miss when they weren't speaking," Elspeth murmured.

  "Okay, let's go," Amana giggled, rushing the others past as they headed for the common room. 

Crabbe and Goyle were both standing in front of the entrance to the common room with lists of names in hand, while two other boys stood out in the dungeons, also standing guard. They both silently allowed the girls in, fully aware that the only people they were to refuse were Pansy and Marcus Flint. The Slytherin common room was unrecognizable, beautifully decorated for the party, adorned with elegant white drapes and gold accents. There were ice sculptures and champagne towers scattered around the room, along with red and pink rose petals that were spread all over the floors and tables. Beautiful paintings of cupids and other Renaissance-era pieces filled the room. Selina had no idea how Kelly Cross had actually made all of their ideas a reality, but she didn't ask. As everyone from other houses poured in, Selina and her friends excitedly got their pictures taken by the students who had volunteered to take photos in exchange for admittance to the party. The Valentine's Day party typically consisted of older students, with only seventh-years, sixth-years, and fifth-years, in addition to about half of the fourth-year class allowed to attend, as well as only the most popular third-years also invited. Selina relished in her social standing, glad to be able to enjoy such exclusive events with her friends. She took sophisticated and cheerful photos with Kelly and Blaise and her friends while they all waited for Draco to be done screaming back at Pansy.

  "Well, I hope I'm not late," Jasper Carroll said, startling Selina. 

  "No," she breathed excitedly, smiling as she saw him. "You're just in time."

He looked perfect, she thought, in his black trousers and white button-down shirt, a pink tie lazily draped around his neck, and the flashy gold watch he'd gotten from his father on his wrist. In his hand was a single red rose, which he ceremoniously offered to his girlfriend.

  "For you, my lady," he offered, grinning handsomely.

  "Thank you, my lord," Selina beamed, automatically smelling the flower.

  "This is for you. As promised," he told her, handing her a small white box. 

  "Jasper," she chuckled, opening it.

She opened the box to find a little pearlescent seashell inside.

  "You wanna know where it's from?" he asked her.

  "Where?" she looked up at him curiously.

  "It's from Brazil," Jasper explained, "Vila Velha, to be exact."

  "That's where my family's from," Selina realized, "You remembered."

Selina had told Jasper the story of her grandfather's return to Vila Velha long ago, before he and her grandmother were ever married. 

  "How could I not?" he reasoned. "Your grandfather lost his shoes not an hour after he Apparated there. The wizard that stole them would only give them back in exchange for—"

  "A shell," Selina finished, not realizing he'd held onto that story. 

She closed the box, staring at him in disbelief.

  "It's beautiful. Thank you, Jasper. I love you."

  "I love you too," he promised her as she wrapped him in a hug. 

He followed her back to her dorm for a moment, setting the gifts he'd gotten her down on her bedside table. She took his present from her drawer, handing it to him.

  "This might not seem as touching, or as beautiful, but I found this at Diagon Alley, when I went with Draco," she handed him a wrapped gift.

  "I don't care. You gave it to me, so I love it already," he decided firmly. 

Jasper unwrapped the paper, opening the gift box to find a small wooden pipe inside.

  "Oh my God!" he exclaimed excitedly, examining it carefully. "I'm gonna look like a real wizard! I love it!"

  Selina laughed at his childishness, fully aware of what it was like to be in the company of a fourteen year-old boy. "Alright, my little wizard, let's head back to the party," she suggested with a sigh, reminding him of their obligations.

The two of them returned to the party in the common room. More people had shown up already, many guests from the school's other three houses already present. Selina and Jasper joined their friends in taking photos together for the Slytherin court. Selina and Jasper stood in the middle with Draco, who was of course awkwardly without a date, the only visible trace of his girlfriend being his white button-down shirt, as well as the silver bracelet with Pansy's initials on it that he'd been asked to wear. Kelly stood on Selina's side with her date, a handsome but torturously dull Slytherin seventh-year whose name Selina hadn't cared enough to learn, while Blaise and his date, Erika Eden, a Slytherin, stood on Jasper's other side. Many photos were snapped of the court members and their dates before they were all free to just do as they pleased. Selina and Jasper had been dancing along with their friends in the space reserved for dancing. Selina and her friends we're having the time of their lives by the champagne tower, knocking back glass after glass as the tower remained magically filled throughout the night. Jasper had also indulged in a fair amount of the champagne, although he was nowhere near on the same level as Selina and the others. Apart from the girls, Draco Malfoy was also becoming incredibly intoxicated. He had had nothing to do the entire time but drink with Theodore Nott and a few others, given that Pansy was not at the party.   

He eventually grew tired of the group of boys he was entertaining, all of them emptily regurgitating his own words back at him just to appease him. He joined Selina, Amana, Elspeth, and Blaise in their drinking, all of them laughing and jumping around to the music as Jasper merely laughed and shook his head at his girlfriend. 

  "I don't see Evan anywhere," Elspeth said worriedly, "He said he'd meet me..."

  "Fuck him," Blaise snapped, waving an empty saucer of champagne around, "He's second-rate anyway."

No one asked what he meant by this. 

  "Sel! Sel!" Draco yelled over everyone. "You've gotta show them your Filch impression! Come on, do it!" 

  "No!" Selina gasped in embarrassment, leaning on him momentarily.

  "Come on, it's dead on! Do the voice!" he begged. "It's brilliant! Come on!"

  She laughed hysterically as everyone waited curiously. "No. I'm not doing the voice!" 

Draco was ultimately tasked with steering Selina out of the trajectory of many other party guests and student servers walking around with trays of food and drinks. Selina, who hadn't eaten yet that day, had already reached her point where the alcohol that she drank hit her the most before she began to settle down. The music was blaring and the lighting in the common room was dim and ambient. Everyone was either dancing, talking, laughing, or some combination thereof. Selina was beginning to return to reality, feeling much more lucid and composed as she happily danced with Kelly, the two of them affectionately slow-dancing with a fairly heterosexual sense of irony to the loud rock music. Amana, however, was too far gone to settle down. As the music eventually shifted to something more electronic that made all of the girls feel like models, she had climbed up on one of the empty tables that had once been covered with food with Elspeth, the two of them engaging in a sloppy and uncoordinated, yet somehow still chic dance that gradually became more and more risqué. Everyone gasped and cheered loudly as they slowly teased their audience with a slow drop to their feet, just barely lifting their dresses and skirts up their thighs. Selina cackled in amusement as her friends made themselves the center of attention, standing with Jasper on the dance floor. The party grew even more rowdy as Fred and George Weasley finally arrived after distracting Mr. Filch so that everyone could head to the Slytherin common room. As for the Gryffindor students, the famous Harry Potter and his two friends had shown up a little while before them, and seemed to be already planning on leaving due to the amount of drinking going on. Selina felt Draco was right that they were no fun. Multiple champagne bottles were popped as everyone cheered for them. They both made their way to the center of the dance floor where Amana and Elspeth were behaving like drunk go-go dancers. They practically were drunk go-go dancers.

  "Hey, Romanov!" Fred Weasley yelled over the music, open bottle of champagne in hand. 

  "Easy, Weasley, she's got a boyfriend," Jasper teased, earning a fairly drunk hug from the fifth-year boy.

  "You'll both save a dance for me, right?" Fred questioned.

  "Of course!" Jasper shouted to him over the music. 

  "Oi! Speaking of dancing, Selina," Fred called, pointing in Elspeth and Amana's direction, "You should get up there and join your friends!"

  "Like hell!" Selina scoffed. "I'm not breaking a heel!"

  "Aw, is someone scared?!" George, his twin, instigated knowingly.

  "Oh, come on, don't let them punk you like that!" Jasper laughed. 

  "A galleon says you won't hop up on that table and show us what you've got!" Fred dared her. 

  Selina shook her head, grinning as she glanced down at the busy floor. "Don't do it..."

  "Come on, Romanov! You won't do it!" George baited her. 

Selina sighed, seeing nothing but different sources of light for a moment.

  "Help me up, Weasley," she ordered, holding out her hand. 

  "Yeah!" George exclaimed.

  "Go on, Selina!" Fred boomed. 

Fred gladly took Selina's hand as Jasper reluctantly helped her step up onto the table. Everyone at the party cheered for her as she slowly acclimated herself to the smooth rhythm of the song that was playing, coordinating her dancing to her friends' as best as she could. Draco, Blaise, and the others all cheered for Selina as she danced with her friends, cheekily swaying to the music. Jasper was initially enjoying himself, until he drunkenly realized the amount of boys all around him who couldn't take their hungry eyes off of his girlfriend. Selina slowly dropped to her knees as she smugly held out her hand to Fred, who theatrically supplied her with a galleon, as promised. She coyly tucked it into her bra in front of almost the entire school. Jasper gulped awkwardly, feeling helpless against all of them. He noticed the members of the Slytherin Quidditch team who were at the party eyeing Selina, which disgusted him. But she didn't seem aware of any of it at all, or if she was, she simply didn't let it bother her. It seemed nothing would ruin Selina's good time at this point. Jasper watched as Selina slowly shimmied down to her knees, cocking her head at George, who was holding a saucer of champagne he'd managed to swipe off of one of the trays passing them. Selina held out her hand and he obliged, handing over the glass as she took it from him, slowly throwing her head back and downing what was left of it as her audience watched her intently. Feeling the need to intervene, Jasper Carroll took her hand,  snaking his arm around her body so that he could safely pick her up, carrying her away from the table against her will. Needless to say, everyone else booed him rather aggressively.

  "Hey!" Selina complained. "I was having fun!"

  "You should sit down for a minute," Jasper told her responsibly.

  "What? I'm fine," she laughed. 

  "You're acting drunk," he informed her.

  "Because it's fun," she scoffed as Elspeth and Amana both followed them to a couch.

  "Not for your boyfriend," Jasper reminded her, slowly setting her down on a leather couch. 

  "Leave her! She's fine!" Elspeth protested.

  "You're even worse," Jasper told her, turning to Blaise, "You should get her some water."

  "Is there even water at this party?" Blaise Zabini wondered, stifling a burp in humiliation.

Amana and Elspeth both sat down on a loveseat adjacent to the couch as Blaise and Draco sat beside Selina and Jasper. Just about everyone was fairly drunk, needing to relax for a moment before returning to the dancing.

  "I'm hungry!" Amana Tesfaye complained, slurring. 

  "I'm hungry!" Elspeth chimed in. 

  "Bloody hell, if you girls aren't going to be any fun anymore, I'll get us some food," Blaise volunteered, sighing exhaustedly. 

  "Get me the mini quiches!" Elspeth cried. "And the shrimp puffs!"

  "And I want ice cream!" Amana told him.

  "Is there even any ice cream here?" Draco asked in confusion.

  "None at all," Jasper confirmed dryly. 

Blaise wandered off to go make sloppy plates for everyone, seeming to be somewhat in his own world. 

  "Why didn't Evan show up?!" Elspeth whined miserably. "I thought he liked me!"

  "He's a fucking bitch!" Amana blurted out. "Forget him. Get someone richer."

  "Blaise would agree," Selina chimed in.

She turned to her boyfriend, grinning as he allowed her to drape her arm around him for support.

  "I love you," she cooed breathily.

  "Your breath smells like champagne and strawberries," Jasper smiled jokingly.

  "I didn't have strawberries," Selina frowned.

  "I had strawberries," Amana lazily raised her hand.

  "That's sick," Jasper frowned. "Why is it always you two?"

Draco Malfoy was dead silent up until this point, but no one seemed to notice this. They were all respectively preoccupied with different things.

  "I want more champagne, but I don't want to get it," he muttered to himself.

  "I want more champagne," Selina thought aloud.

  "You don't get more champagne until you eat," Jasper reminded her.

  "Fine, Mum," Selina rolled her eyes at him.

  One of the servers leaned over with a tray of champagne coupes. "More champagne?"

  "More champagne!" Draco and Selina both cheered perfectly in unison, grabbing two glasses each. 

  "They should've just given you each a bottle," Jasper rolled his eyes as he tried to at least stop Selina from downing both of her glasses.

He was unsuccessful. 

  "Look!" Elspeth Laurier gasped.

Everyone's heads all turned in shock, expecting to see something horrible, like a bloody accident, or a fight breaking out. No one knew what they were supposed to be looking at, until Amana spotted Evan Howerton.

  "Is that Evan?! With Daphne?!"

  "No!" Elspeth screamed, tears immediately streaming down her face as she couldn't help but watch the two of them dancing. "Why?!"

  "Oh, Elle..."

Amana consoled her, watching her as she sobbed into her shoulder. Draco just shook his head, readily downing his second glass of champagne. 

  "Bloody bell..." Jasper murmured to himself.

He sighed with relief as Blaise returned, messily balancing multiple plates of food on his arms. 

  "Here, here, and here. My job is done," he sighed, slumping down on the couch beside Draco, who also seemed exhausted.

He had handed plates of food to Amana, Elspeth, and Jasper, who was attempting to share the heavily packed plate of finger food with his girlfriend. Selina was now completely distracted by Draco, who was, for some reason, throwing grapes at people. This was the sort of thing that he typically did out of boredom.    

  "Ooh! Right in Finnigan's shoe!" Draco announced triumphantly.

  "Hey, let me try," Selina tried to take a grape from the bowl he'd found on the table behind them.

  "I'll bet you three galleons you can't land one in Tracey's bra," Draco whispered, earning a mischievous giggle from her. 

  "Oh, you are on!" she snickered, grabbing the bowl.

Jasper watched, mostly unamused, as Selina pelted grapes in Tracey Davis's direction as precisely as she could, yelling out as she finally landed one right down the blonde's shirt. 

  "Thank you," Selina giggled smugly as Draco handed her three galleons he'd had in his pocket. 

They both watched, laughing, as Tracey fished a single green grape out of her bra, dumbfounded. Draco laughed even harder as Marcus Belby waited until she wasn't looking and plucked it off the ground and ate it. 

  "The mini quiches are so fucking good!" Amana cried happily as Elspeth wholeheartedly agreed.

  "Here. Eat," Jasper told Selina, handing her the plate of food he'd eaten off of, giving her the rest, "So you don't get sick."

She nodded, joining a conversation with Draco and Blaise as they all sat around. Jasper watched as she lazily fed pieces of food to the both of them as they entertained themselves with various nonsense happening throughout the party. 

  "Pansy's been trying to sneak into the party all night. Somehow, she can't even get past Crabbe and Goyle," Draco shared with the group.

Selina stifled a laugh.

  "Good job, Sel. You've made this party impenetrable," Blaise smirked as he drank.

She didn't say anything, not wanting to seem too petty without reason.

  "You're not mad about Selina not inviting Pansy?" Blaise turned to Draco, blatantly instigating. 

  "No," he shook his head, "I love Pans, but what she's doing to Selina is cruel. I've tried to talk to her about it a hundred times, but she just doesn't listen."

Selina remained silent out of discomfort, hurriedly gulping down another glass of champagne from a tray nearby as she kept to herself. Jasper was growing increasingly concerned as he watched her, mini quiche held in her hand so as to hide her face.

  "You love her?" Blaise questioned.

Draco knew he'd slipped up, and just shook his head in defeat.

  "You know what I mean."

  "That you love her?" he questioned curiously.

  "Shove off," Draco scoffed, ignoring his efforts.

  Selina turned to Jasper as they sat close together, her legs draped lazily over his, her attention now focused on him. "I love you so much," she murmured, her hand stroking his face as she reached behind her.

  "I love you," he promised her, appreciative of her affection. 

Selina leaned in to kiss him, the two of them sharing an entirely private moment separate from all of their friends. They were both perfectly content at that point.

  "Ugh, get a room!" Draco complained, sounding less like their friend and more like their disgusted child. 

Selina rolled her eyes into the kiss as she ignored his hounding, the other two boys eventually moving on to other things. Selina and Jasper eventually rejoined them, not wanting to get too carried away. 

  "Should we go throw Longbottom into the middle of the dance circle?" Draco chuckled as he watched the Gryffindor struggling to find someone to talk to on the dance floor.

  "That's the only reason we invited him, isn't it?" Blaise reasoned, as the two of them eagerly jumped out of their seats and left.

They both seemed to have forgotten the rest of their friends. Amana had now nearly fallen asleep, while Elspeth was digging into her plate, choking back tears as she ate. Selina sighed, looking away with second-hand embarrassment for her friends.

  "Selina. Are you going to eat?" Jasper asked her discreetly.

She turned to face him, a lack of recognition in her expression as she failed to understand why he seemed so concerned. 

  "What are you talking about?" she laughed awkwardly. "I just ate."

  "Did you?" he questioned cautiously.

  "Jasper, I'm holding the plate," she reminded him, trying to reason with him.

  "Yeah, you're holding it, but you haven't eaten much off of it at all," he said under his breath. 

Selina looked over at all of her friends to make sure they were still distracted by whatever ridiculousness they were currently engaged in, so as not to catch any of this unpleasant conversation.

  "Are you kidding?" she asked him. "Look, so much of this is bitten!"

  "Selina, I watched you," he whispered, "You cut up your food with your fork, and tore some of it into pieces, and held it by your face and kept quiet during conversation like your mouth was full.

  "Excuse me?" she demanded.

  Jasper couldn't be distracted. "You didn't actually bite into much of it at all."

  She scoffed in disbelief, mortified at his seemingly unsolicited attack. "What are you, documenting my every fucking move?" she took offense.

  "I'm just trying to make sure you're okay, is all," Jasper assured her, "I'm not trying to criticize you, I'm just pointing out that you haven't eaten much lately."

  "What do you mean, I haven't eaten much lately?! You've eaten most of my meals right next to me!" she protested. 

  "Yeah, and that's how I've noticed how little you've actually eaten this past week or so," he said gently, "It's not healthy."

  "What's not healthy? I've eaten a perfectly normal portion at all of my meals," she argued, a troubled look in her eyes.

  "No, Selina, you haven't," he told her. "You put a decent amount of food on your plate, but you only eat a few bites a meal. I've noticed it, you spend all your time cutting your food, and playing around with it so it looks like you've eaten, and then you hold it near your mouth, and laugh or nod along with the conversation and dump it back on your plate off your fork just to do it all over again. You keep adding more to your plate to make it look like you've had multiple plates of food, but really, you don't even have one."

She looked at him with teary eyes, her cat-like eyes widened to look more like innocent doe eyes. 

  "Look, I think there's a lot of stress getting to you lately because of everything going on that you don't know how to deal with," Jasper offered gently.

  "No, what I don't know how to deal with is my boyfriend counting my calories like you're my fucking grandmother!" she cried, not understanding why he'd chosen to bring this up during the party, of all times.

A few people looked over at the scene that was unfolding, curious about what was going on between Selina and Jasper. 

  "Look, I'm not trying to criticize you, Selina, I'm just really worried," he reiterated. "I know you're under a lot of stress, things I couldn't even behind to imagine. I know this, even if you don't always want to talk to me about it. I just want to make sure you to eat, so you can be healthy."

  "I am eating!" she insisted tearfully.

Jasper seemed saddened by the fact that she still clung to her own version of things. 

  "But you're not," he told her. "Not enough. Not enough for a person. Or, a large cat."

  "Yes, I am, you just seem to feel like I'm someone you have to fix all the time!" she screamed at him. "But I'm not someone who has to be fixed! I'm perfectly fine, there's nothing wrong with me! You're just obsessed with changing me!"

  "Oh, really? That's what you fucking think this is?!" he thundered, his voice steadily picking up bass as he slowly lost his patience with her. "You're telling me I'm crazy, and you've just been eating perfectly normal portions at every meal? I'm fucking insane, and you're the one who's being reasonable?!"

  "Yes, that's exactly what this is!" 

  He sighed, unable to speak to her. "Alright. If that's what you think, then surely you won't have an issue eating those two entire mini quiches on your plate."

  "Are you insane?!" Selina cried, defensively rising from her seat. 

  "Stop fucking around and actually have a conversation with me!" Jasper yelled impatiently. "You're being dramatic. What have you actually eaten this week, Selina, and don't lie to me!"

  "Why are you talking to me like I'm a naughty child?!" she demanded.

  "Because you're acting like one!" he exclaimed. 

  "I'm the one who's acting like a child?!" she scoffed. "You're the one freaking out over every little thing I do!"

  "Because everything you do is either horrifically dangerous, or just plain stupid!" Jasper yelled back.

Selina gasped angrily, flabbergasted as she tried to process what he'd just said to her. 

  "Well, I'm sorry you have such a reckless and stupid girlfriend," Selina huffed as everyone watched them. "Here. Enjoy the fucking quiches," she snapped, shoving the plate at him as she stormed off in anger. 

Amana and Elspeth both saw what had happened, but weren't in any position to help at the moment. Selina had stomped off to the bathroom, not wanting to deal with anyone else anymore. Desperate to find someplace to be alone, she locked herself in a large bathroom stall and sank to the ground as she wiped her tears even if they kept coming. Selina Romanov silently let her tears fall below her as she felt the pain in her chest growing sharper, as well as the low grumbling in her stomach. She knew it was true what Jasper had said about her eating. She'd ultimately developed the eating habits that her grandmother had forced on her, the very habits she'd sworn to herself as a little girl she'd never internalize. She didn't know how, exactly, it had happened, but it did. She'd become the mindless, beauty-obsessed shell she never wanted to be, and she hated herself for it. Selina remembered how bad she'd felt long ago on her fourth birthday, when Dominique had discovered that her mother had allowed her to eat not one, but two tiny slices of her birthday cake.

She'd screamed at her about how fat and ugly she was already, and how she couldn't afford to get any worse. Selina had cried and cried the entire time she was yelled at, sobbing so violently for a toddler that she'd ended up throwing up in the bathroom, alone. The only person who knew about this was her grandmother. Dominique had passed by the bathroom, hearing a noise and discovering her granddaughter involuntarily vomiting into the toilet as she sobbed uncontrollably. Selina was so young and had no idea what was happening inside her body, and had been pleading for it to stop. She'd looked to her grandmother in the hallway for guidance, hoping she'd clean her up and comfort her the way her mother would have, but all Dominique did was look down at her granddaughter and congratulate her, instructing her to do so every time she ate something she knew she shouldn't have. Now, ever since then, any time Selina felt an even remotely full feeling in her stomach, it was immediately attributed to sickness and the sudden need to vomit would overwhelm her, for no reason at all. Eating didn't feel the way it was supply to feel to Selina. When she ate, she didn't feel happy or nourished, no matter what it was. When she ate, she only felt like she'd failed somehow. 

Selina had developed an obsession with being and remaining thin. This, of course, was entirely due to her grandmother's influence. Ever since Selina could remember, she'd been subjected to Dominique's belittlement and judgment. Her entire life, all she'd heard about was how important it was for a woman to be beautiful, and how important it was to be thin in order to be considered beautiful. It was an obsession her grandmother had learned from her own mother, something she'd exposed Selina to from a young age. Ever since Selina's mother had died and her father was sent to Azkaban, Dominique had been responsible for raising and feeding Selina. Selina had been fed very small and light portions for every meal, ruining her appetite from a young age. Selina had always asked her grandmother why she ate so little while Dominique would eat bowl after bowl of rich, heavy foods that Selina was practically forbidden to eat. Selina never forgot the kinds of things her grandmother would say to her. "Look at you, and look at me," Dominique would say to her. "You eat one sandwich, and you might as well gain a kilo! Look at me, I can eat anything I want, and I'm still forty kilos!" Selina remembered it all too well. Her grandmother had an unhealthy obsession with her own weight. She would constant brag to her granddaughter about being severely underweight, as if that was an ideal standard she should strive to. Selina had been taught that if not all of her bones could be seen at any given time, she was overweight, and needed to fix herself in any way she could. 

That was the way Selina had lived her entire life, and it was the same way Adeline had lived when she was a child, raised by her mother. Jasper knew this about Selina, of course, but knowing how to deal with it was another matter entirely. He didn't know what to do when she refused to eat, or when she felt sick after eating a piece of bread. As much as he tried, he just didn't understand why Selina couldn't eat even when she knew her stomach was aching in hunger. At times, when they would be together, Selina would remain silent for longer periods of time, until Jasper would speak up and ask her if she was okay, and what was wrong. Sometimes, her answer would simply be 'I'm hungry'. And although Jasper loved her and always listened to her without judgement, there were times where he really did want to ask her, 'So, why don't you just eat?" That night, when Selina stormed off to the girls' bathroom crying, like a true fourteen year-old girl, she found she didn't even have it in her to try and pretend she wasn't in there to cry. Not even bothering to try and find an empty stall, Selina sank to the ground in her white dress, looking defeated. 

Lo and behold, the next person who entered the bathroom was the one person she didn't want to see. Pansy stopped in front of her, as if confused by the sight. 

  "Romanov?" she questioned.

  "Yes, Pansy, I'm having a terrible fucking night, so let's hear it," Selina groaned exhaustedly.

  "Why would you assume I have something smug to say?" Pansy Parkinson asked haughtily.

  "Because you have something smug to say," Selina said bluntly. 

  "You're right, I do, ha!" she laughed in her face, relishing her victory momentarily.

Selina just blankly stared at her, batting her eyelashes as tears continued to fall.

  "Okay, now that that's out of my system," Pansy decided, carefully kneeling beside her so as not to get herself dirty, "What's happened?"

  "Why on earth would I tell you anything?" Selina demanded.

  "Because you're drunk?" her mortal enemy hoped.

  "Not drunk enough to talk to you about my boy troubles," she retorted.

  "So this is Jasper's doing, then," Pansy deducted.

  "Go ahead, tell me my relationship's doomed," Selina encouraged her, "Whatever gets you out of my face faster."

  "I wouldn't be happy if you and Jasper broke up, you know," she told Selina. " He's the only thing keeping you away from Draco."

  "I've told you a million times, Pansy, I'm not trying to steal Draco from you," Selina argued, "He's yours! You're not my best friend in the world, but I'd never go after another girl's boyfriend! My self esteem isn't that low."

  "I don't hate you because I think you're trying to steal Draco away from you," Pansy sighed, moving next to her on the bathroom floor. "I hate you because... Well. If anyone could, it would be you."

  "Why me? Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of me and Draco?!" Selina demanded. 

  "Because, you look the way you do!" Pansy cried in agony, "You look like you walked out of a fashion catalogue! No one in their right mind would believe anyone would want to be just friends with you!"

  "Yeah, don't I know it?" she scoffed. "Everyone makes up a different idea of who I am, and no matter what, if I get it wrong somehow, they hate me. Some people want to think I'm an angel, and when I'm not, they hate me. Some people want to think I'm a total cunt, and when they find out I'm not, they also somehow hate me."

  "Well, that blows," Pansy scoffed.

  Selina glared at her with every ounce of hatred she could possibly muster up. "You think?"

  Pansy sighed heavily, knowing she had some explaining to do. "Look. I know I've been kind of a bitch—"

  "Kind of?! You're an emotional terrorist, and a psycho bitch!"

  "Yes, yes, I'm aware."

  "You realize you told the entire school that I lied about Flint raping me, right?" Selina asked calmly.

  "Yeah..." she paused for a moment, avoiding her gaze. "I  suppose I do owe you for that one."

  "You wanna give me what you owe me? Testify in front of the school board that you lied about Flint being innocent, or at the very least, don't testify at all," Selina scoffed. "I've never cared about any of the other things you've said and done to me, but that was different."

  "I'm sorry," Pansy said, as Selina was shocked to see tears making an appearance. "Selina, I'm... I'm really sorry about that."

Selina's expression didn't soften, but she felt there wasn't much of a point in still maintaining her fury towards the girl.

  "Then why did you do it?" she questioned her. "It wasn't just a momentary decision, it was ongoing, and consistent! You intentionally went around telling anyone who'd listen that I'm a lying slag who deserves to be raped, but still wasn't. I have the right to hate you. I have the right to kill you."

  "I'm sorry, okay, I was hurt," she breathed, her eyes full of sadness.

  "By what?! I never even looked your way until you started this fucking war with me!" 

  "Because I wanted you to notice me," Pansy sighed.

Selina stared at her, baffled, as she tried to come up with a response. It proved to be more difficult than she thought. 

  "So you decided you'd rather make yourself my arch nemesis than not talk to me at all?" she concluded.

  "Yes!" Pansy exclaimed. "I mean, I'm Pansy Parkinson, but you're Selina Romanov! You're the only worthy enemy I have at this godforsaken school!"

  "Huh. That's weirdly flattering," Selina remarked, "But also a little pathetic."

Pansy just shrugged. 

  "Listen. We're definitely not going to be best friends anytime soon, but if you stop making my life miserable, I'd have no reason to hate you," Selina offered an olive branch. "I mean it. If you want, we can be civil. Maybe even pleasant, with good behavior."

  "I don't need your friendship," Pansy rolled her eyes at her. "But, I suppose I'll stop spreading that Flint thing around."

  "Good," Selina told her. 

There was a brief moment of silence between them as both girls stared at their feet, not knowing what to say to the other.

  "So, er, Flint..." Pansy looked at her. "He really did that to you?" she asked softly.

  She nodded. "Yes. He raped me, and sometimes, I feel dirty saying that word, but it's the only word that describes what I felt."

  "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have touched on that. That was out of line," Pansy admitted.

  "Yes, it was," Selina replied, "But if you don't say any of that shit you said to, and about, me to the school board, then I don't care."

  "That's fair enough," Pansy nodded. "I, er... I don't think I could convince most of the people testifying for Flint not to testify, but I can talk to Daphne."

  "Fair enough," Selina shrugged. "I know it's not just you... There are plenty of people who think I'm just a lying slag. You didn't help, but it's not just because of you, either."

  "You're not that bad," Pansy Parkinson sighed. "Maybe you don't deserve all the hate you get."

  "Maybe not," Selina agreed, quickly wiping her tears away as she stood. "I'm going back to the party now. You should too. Dance with your boyfriend," she offered.

  "Oh, I don't think so. You saw how we were earlier. I'm going to bed," Pansy announced in exhaustion. "Goodnight."

  "Goodnight," Selina murmured, surprised at how their conversation went.

Deciding she'd rather enjoy what was left of the party, leaving the girls' bathroom. She found that the second she walked out, Jasper was there, standing right in front of her.

  "What do you want?" she asked, unable to stand talking to him any longer.

  "I'm not here to fight," he informed her, "I just... think we need some space from one another. For a while," he concluded, his eyes dark and glassy. 

  "Agreed! I thought I made that clear before!"Selina yelled tearfully, growing frustrated. "God! Did you come here just to tell me that?"

  "Stop acting like I'm an arsehole, I just came to you to clear the air!" he cried. "Fuck, I can't fucking talk to you about anything!"

  "You can't talk to me?! I told you about my problems with eating, and you yelled at me, at a party, in front of my friends!" 

  "I can't deal with this right now, Selina."

  "You came to me!" she argued. "After I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with you right now."

  "You know what, enjoy the party, I'm going to bed. I don't care anymore, eat, don't eat, grind on Blaise, I don't care."

Selina watched him walk off as she wiped away black, glittering tears from her eyes, storming back into the party on a mission. As angry and hurt as Jasper was in that moment, watching her walk away from him, he still couldn't deny how beautiful she was. Selina had the face of an angel and the eyes of a demon. She cried glitter and mascara, and she was the most confident when she was angry. This was the first time Jasper had ever thought he could hate her. He didn't, of course, but this was the first time he ever felt he could. He wanted to hate her, or be angry at her, or even just see her flaws for what they were and hold her accountable, but she was pretty when she cried and beautiful when she screamed. No one ever took her seriously. Selina went around looking for her girlfriends, unable to find them, until Blaise Zabini had informed her that the two of them had drunkenly wandered off to bed. Unsure of what to do with herself, she scanned the common room for Draco and the other boys, joining them in dancing as loud dance music blasted throughout the room. 

She and Draco were jumping around wildly, enjoying themselves immensely, along with Theodore Nott and a few other Slytherin boys. 

  "Hey, Sel!" Draco Malfoy yelled to his friend.

  "What!" she shouted over the music. 

  "Wanna go grab shots?! Kelly just broke out the Firewhisky!" he called.

  "You know I do!"

The two of them shoved their way out of the crowd in search of liquor. 

  "There you two are!" Kelly Cross exclaimed, pouring alongside her date. "Come do shots with us!"

  "What did you think we were doing?!" Selina laughed, knocking back the glass of Firewhisky that had been slid towards her. 

  "Hey, you didn't wait for me!" Draco complained, knocking back the other glass on the table. "Whoo!"

The four of them laughed as Blaise finally joined them, along with a pretty Hufflepuff girl he'd managed to get to dance with him. Kelly poured another round for the six of them, as they all clinked their glasses together excitedly. A few more rounds passed before Selina became aware of herself again. 

  "Shots for everybody!" Blaise declared, now visibly drunk. 

  "That's the most you've spoken all year," Draco remarked.

  "Ah, Blaise just needs to warm up to people, is all," Kelly laughed. 

  "I wanna dance!" Selina complained. "Kelly?"

  "I need more shots," the older girl insisted.

  "Draco?!" Selina Romanov asked.

  "I also need more shots," he responded.

  "I'll go dance with you," Blaise offered.

  "Alright, let's go!" 

After they both took one final shot, she grabbed him by the arm and rushed him onto the designated dance floor. They eventually made their way towards the very middle, where people seemed to be the most rowdy. It seemed that, in a genius bid to keep the party going, Kelly had given the second bottle of Firewhisky to the obscenely drunk Weasley twins to dole out, causing all sorts of mayhem. Seeing her dancing as everyone around her watched, most of them staring at her for all the wrong reasons, Fred Weasley wrapped a friendly arm around Selina.

  "Come on, Romanov! Want a sip?!" Fred asked her, holding the bottle out in front of her.

  "Make it a good pour," she grinned, lifting her head back and opening her mouth as wide as she could. 

Blaise cheered loudly for her along with everyone else as she drank, spitting out absolutely nothing. 

  "Romanov's a fucking monster!" George screamed at the top of his lungs. 

Selina lost herself in the music, and in the self-indulgence that everyone allowed her. She relished feeling nothing and swayed freely with the music, throwing her head back, finally relaxed, as she danced sandwiched between the Weasley twins, who were both her friends and her rivals. She thought about absolutely nothing, and moved to the beat of the music as her body became a spectacle. She ended up sticking right between Fred and George so that none of the questionable boys near them could bother her. They were perfectly helpful, dancing with her and laughing while also shoving anyone who seemed to be getting too close to her. Selina reached her hand behind her to loosely feel George's hair as he held onto her from behind her, laughing at the ticklish sensation on her collarbone as Fred fell out laughing into her shoulder. She couldn't see George blushing beet red behind her, but could sense his gaze as he watched her dancing with her arms hooked around Fred's neck for balance. Selina was now fully aware that he was much taller than her, and had to keep his hands on her waist to steady her. 

Fred, being the friendly person that he was, constantly checked to make sure that his hand placement was appropriate, even if it didn't necessarily seem like she would notice. He figured that was all the more reason why he should make sure he looked out for her. But Selina seemed perfectly comfortable with Fred, knowing she could trust him more than most of the boys at that party. She was too drunk to care, but still sober enough to understand that Jasper had earlier yelled at her that he basically did not care whether she chose to dance in a less-than-platonic manner with someone who wasn't him, and she was currently dancing with someone she knew he had also been attracted to. But, considering the way he'd behaved earlier, guilt wasn't necessarily something on her mind at that particular moment. Giving into attraction was a lot easier than being in love, and it was a lot more fun. 

  "Have I ever told you how fun you are off the pitch, when you're not landing me in the hospital wing?" Fred asked gently.

  "This is just the beginning," Selina assured him.

  "I like the sound of that," he replied, more platonically than it came out. "Where's Jasper?" he wondered.

  "He went off to bed. He's done bitching at me, I suppose," she shrugged.

  "Are you two okay?" Fred instantly turned serious.

George also became fully aware of the situation, pausing to gauge his reactions based upon hers. 

  "Who's to say?" Selina shrugged, not bothering to stop dancing. "Maybe we'll get back together, maybe we won't," she said apathetically.

  "Selina. Are you alright?" he questioned, starting to worry about her wellbeing.

 "I'm fine," she promised, "He's the one who's got his tits in a twist."

  "Do you want to go outside?" Fred leaned in.

  "No, I'm fine," she promised. "I just want to dance."

  "Okay, then we'll just dance," George smiled, dancing in a rather embarrassing manner behind her to lighten the mood, "No problem."

  "You're sure?" Fred asked her again.

  "Yeah. I'm alright, Freddie," she teased him, ruffling his hair as he stifled a laugh, "Loosen up."

  "Listen, I don't know you very well, but you're cool, Selina. Really cool," Fred told her. "If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm always around. You know where to find me."

  "Detention?" she quipped, eliciting a smile from him.

  "Yes."

  "Glad we got that out of the way," she grinned, "Now let's dance!"

With that, Fred and George both put the earlier events of that night out of their minds, enjoying the Valentine's Day party the way Selina had hoped to. She admittedly felt like a star, dancing in the middle of the common room amongst everyone else, sandwiched between the two fifth-years. Whether or not she felt she should have some sort of guilt for her momentary happiness, she had no idea in that moment. Eventually, it became that point in the night where most of the songs that played were a lot slower, songs that were meant to be slow-danced to by couples. As the dramatic classical music played, Selina looked around the room, knowing she wouldn't see Jasper anywhere. Blaise had someone, and so did Draco, even if it was Theodore, as the two of them thought it would be hilarious to slow dance like a couple as a few other Slytherin boys whistled at them. Not knowing what to do, Selina looked up at Fred. 

  "Do you have anyone to dance with?"

She watched him glance in someone's direction before speaking.

  "No," he shook his head, without any humor in his tone. 

  "Don't worry, Romanov. Neither of us are going anywhere," George sighed regretfully. 

  "Okay," she murmured, not seeming to have a problem with that. 

Smiling at her sympathetically, Fred instinctively took her hand as he placed his other hand in her waist, allowing her to keep her arm hooked around his neck.

  "Things get better, you know," Fred provided quietly, the moment existing just between the two of them. 

  "Except for when they don't," she said.

  He nodded, understanding how she felt. "They will for you, though. You're a force to be reckoned with. Even off the Quidditch pitch."

  Selina cracked a smile involuntarily, which was to be expected with either of the twins. "Will you just shut up and dance?" 

  "Of course," he agreed, cheerfully swaying her to the music.

She actually started to laugh once again, giggling gleefully as he spun her around in a circle and dramatically dipped her, his smiling face inches above hers. 

  "May I cut in?" George asked, smiling as he held out a hand to Selina as she and Fred danced.

She and Fred chuckled as she nodded, accepting the kind-hearted invitation. She wrapped her arms around George as they swayed slowly along with the slow song. She started to feel what she'd drank that night really kicking in for a moment, as she buried her face in George's shirt in embarrassment. The room was spinning a little, but he made sure to keep her upright as she then gripped his arms tightly, trying not to fall. 

  "I'll go grab some water," Fred sighed, prudently taking charge.

*****

  "Are we too young for this?" Draco asked miserably.

  "Yes," she replied without a trace of doubt, watching as Draco threw up into a table cloth that had been converted into a vomit bag.

She did the male equivalent of holding his hair back and patted him repeatedly on the back, encouraging him to get as much out as she could. It was disgusting, but none of the other boys, being boys, thought to help Draco to make sure he was alright. So, Selina was stuck watching Draco throw up in his dorm. 

  "Okay. I think that's the last of it," he coughed, disgusted as he handed the table cloth off to Selina.

She made a face, carefully rolling it into a ball and tying it up as she tried not to vomit herself. 

  "Here. Have some water. But don't drink too much, or too fast," she instructed, handing him a cup of water. "There's mints on the bedside table. I suggest you take one, or five."

Draco nodded, making faces as he tried to revive himself. Running out of the room with the vomit tablecloth, Selina dumped it into the garbage with everything else, glad to be rid of it, if nothing else. She returned to Draco's dorm to check on him, finding him sitting up on his bed, contemplating life, as one does. 

  "You alright?" Selina asked in a deep, concerned voice as she sat down at the edge of his bed. 

  He nodded silently, seeming embarrassed about what she'd witnessed. "Not a word of this to anyone," he reminded her.

  "I know," she smiled, successfully putting him at ease. "Your secret's safe with me."

He nodded, going quiet for a moment as he thought.

  "I think know more about me than anyone else at this school," he remarked, a certain emptiness in his voice. 

  "I don't think that was intentional," she pointed out. "We just kind of get thrown together sometimes."

  "Yeah. Thrown together," the words slowly fell from his lips. "That's what it is."

  "You know... You've been there for me a lot, since everything happened," Selina stated. "But you haven't really given me too many opportunities to be there for you."

  "There's nothing I can really say," he shrugged avoidantly. 

  "That's not true," she insisted.   

  "Okay, maybe I don't know what to say," Draco offered blankly.

  "Now that I can understand," Selina nodded.

  "You... You understand me better than anyone else. And I don't know why," he expressed with frustration.

  "Maybe because your friends are Crabbe and Goyle," she suggested.

  "Yeah, that's definitely a contributing factor," he admitted in agreement.

  "You just need people who can actually talk to you about things," she told him, "People you can be yourself with."

  "But I don't know who that is!" he sighed. 

  "Well, I do," Selina responded, "And I think that that person deserves real friends."

   "Sometimes," Draco admitted frustratedly as he sat with her, "You're the only thing that's real."

She frowned, a confused and concerned expression on her face as she tried to think of something to say. She came up short, but Draco had quickly moved onto something else. Completely driven by Firewhisky and hormones, he pulled her towards him, kissing her on the lips as he held her face in his hands, feeling her soft skin and silky hair. Alarmed by the sudden, and drastic, movement, Selina was completely lost, unable to open her eyes. He eventually broke the kiss and pulled away, his breathing now fast and erratic.

  "Sorry. I just had to do that once," he panted softly. 

  "I—Draco. No," she blurted out. "You have a girlfriend."

  "You don't care about Pansy," he scoffed.

  "You're right, I don't, but I do care about right and wrong...! Sometimes!" 

Draco now seemed irritated at this, as if her behavior had somehow inconvenienced him. 

  "You're telling me you didn't want to do that?!" he demanded.

  "Did I not make that clear?! No!" she insisted. 

  "Why not?! It's not like Carroll's man enough to love you!"

  "And you do?" she said angrily.

  "No," he decided spitefully. 

She blinked profusely, flabbergasted by the entire situation, and consumed with rage. 

  "I hate you, Selina," he hissed under his breath, "I really do."

  "I hate you too, Draco," she replied, her voice dangerously quiet. "Every time I try to be your friend, you just make it that much harder."

  "Just say it already," he spat, resenting her.

  "Say what?!" she demanded, not following his sporadic train of thought.

  "Just say that you love me," he pleaded. "You know that you love me! Tell me that you love me, and that your heart stops beating without me!"

  "Now why would I do that?" she sneered at the very idea. 

  "Because it's true," Draco said, consumed by passion. "You love me."

  "No, I do not! Not in the way you're insinuating."

  "Then why are you still here?" he huffed. "You love me. You need me. I'm the one you really want, not Carroll. He's just a placeholder."

  "You think you've got me all figured out?" she provoked.

  "Oh, I know I do," he nodded, "You'd never say it, but you're in love with me. It was always me; you could go around the world searching for something that feels half as good, but you'll never find it. No one else will ever be enough with you, and you know that! Life is only worth living to you as long as there's a chance I might love you."

  "You're delusional," Selina stated simply.

  "But so are you," he pointed out. "You're in love with me, and you'd do anything for me. That's the only reason you still put up with me."

  "I think you're projecting," she concluded, "I think things aren't going so well for you with your girlfriend, the girl you thought you were supposed to end up married to, so you're trying to make sure you can jump ship by convincing me I need you just so you don't have to be alone,"

she snarled. 

Draco swallowed hard as he glared at her spitefully.

  "That's the difference between us, Draco. I'm not afraid to be alone. I don't care if I end up with no one, but you? That's what you're afraid of. That's the one thing you're trying to escape, and you'll do anything to escape it," she realized, standing up.

  "That's not fair, and you know it! You know I try with Pansy!" he argued. 

  "Do you?!" Selina exclaimed. "Because it seems like every time something happens, you start acting like it's over."

  "Do you know how hard I try to make her the person I care about most?! Do you know how hard it is to tell my girlfriend she's the most beautiful girl in the world when your face is stuck in my head, Selina?" Draco scoffed. 

  "All I hear is you being a shitty boyfriend," Selina said smoothly, her voice not showing any signs of emotion.

  "And all I see is you being the snake everyone thinks you are," he told her spitefully.

  "You know you only hate in me what you see in yourself," she murmured.

  "You're right," he nodded. "I hate you. And I hate myself for falling for your bullshit. You, and your lying eyes, and your sick smile. You're nothing but trouble."

  "You're worse, Draco," Selina promised him, "At least I know I'm no good."

  "God, you're like stabbing my own gut."

  "And you're like... drinking poison," she decided. "I guess we're both just stupid."

That was the last thing she said before leaving the room, shaking with anger as she stepped out into the corridor, only to realize that she now had to deal with someone else. 

  "Seriously, Selina?" Elspeth Laurier murmured.

She had clearly been drunk and crying for the past few hours or so, her eyes red and puffy, and her mascara running down her face. 

  "Don't look at me like that," Selina Romanov hissed. 

  "I knew Draco had feelings for you, but I never thought you actually reciprocated them," she told her. 

  "He kissed me, but I didn't want that!" Selina insisted.

  "Yes, you did," her supposed friend said. "I don't know if it's because you actually have feelings for him, or you just hate Pansy, but you did."

Selina could hardly handle what she'd just heard. If it hadn't been Elspeth that said it, she would have thrown a punch by now.

  "Fuck, Elspeth, just leave me alone!" she growled impatiently. 

  "He doesn't love you, Selina!" Elspeth cried angrily, watching her walk away. 

  "Yeah, well, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?" she muttered. 

  "He doesn't love you," the ever-heartbroken blonde repeated, "He'll never love you the way you want."

  "Yeah, well, sometimes poison is sweet," Selina threw her hands up in surrender, knocking on a door down the corridor. 

After a moment, the door opened. Pansy Parkinson was standing on the other side, dressed for bed. 

  "Romanov?" she questioned.

  "Hey. Sorry if I woke you," Selina said shakily, "But, you should know, your boyfriend's an arsehole."

  "What?" Pansy asked, not understanding. "What happened?"

Selina gave her a short, but sufficient explanation as to what had happened in Draco's dorm. Although she seemed to be experiencing a whirlwind of emotions, like devastation, and fury, and humiliation, Pansy seemed most surprised by the fact that Selina had actually told her herself. 

  "Are you serious?" Pansy murmured, a dangerous look in her eyes. 

  Selina nodded. "I'm sorry, but I had to tell you," she explained, "I just... didn't know how, so I came here."

  "No need to explain," Pansy said quickly, gesturing for her to stop speaking with her hand.

Selina then expected an angry and petty response, but received something else entirely. 

  "Thank you for letting me know," the girl said after a moment, an eerie calmness to her tone. "I think I need to have a little chat with my boyfriend."

And with that, Pansy disappeared down the hall, eventually slamming the door to Draco's dorm shut behind her. Selina was now exhausted, overcome with anger that she could hardly even place. She angrily shoved her way out of the party, rushing outside into the corridor. She sank to the ground, relieved to finally be alone as she sobbed into her knees, hugging them to console herself. She only sat outside the Slytherin common room for about five minutes or so before someone else came to speak to her, only it wasn't who she'd expected. 

  "Fancy a drink?" Fred Weasley's cheeky yet deep tone interrupted her thoughts. 

She looked up at him in surprise. From where she sat on the floor, he looked about seven feet tall. He sat down beside her, offering a gold cup from the party. Selina took it after looking at him for a moment, taking a considerable swig of the clear liquid in the cup. She frowned, holding the cup as she sat with him. 

  "It's water," she expressed her disappointment.

  "Made sure of that when I poured it," Fred nodded prudently. "Don't need any more quiches being thrown at anyone tonight, do we?"

Selina just shook her head as she smiled, knowing she should have realized Fred Weasley would try to be funny. However, she was uncertain as to how exactly he knew about that. 

  "Just trying for a laugh, or two, no need to get the quiches out," he assured her. "Are you alright?"

  "I'm fine," she told him, drinking the water he'd provided her with in defeat. "Where's Johnson?" she questioned, changing the subject.

  Fred raised an eyebrow, not understanding the nature of the question. "What's that supposed to mean?"

  "Come on. Everyone knows you wanted to come to the party with her," she told him. 

  "Never asked her, though," he responded regretfully. "Not sure why."

  "In my experience, when a guy isn't beating himself up over that sort of thing, it's because he doesn't care enough," Selina remarked.

  "You saying I don't care about her?" he questioned with a wry smile.

  "I'm just pointing something out," she supplied. "What you do with that information is up to you."

  "Well. Thank you for the input, Romanov," he smiled humorously.

  "Any time," she assured him. 

  "So. Did something happen?" Fred asked perceptively. 

  She didn't meet his gaze. "Nothing worth talking about," she said icily. 

  "I see. Well, what would you like to talk about?" 

  "I don't know," she confessed. 

  "Well. We've got all night," he smiled, looking in front of them at the empty corridor. "Or, all day. It's already five."

  "In the morning?" Selina gasped.

He nodded. 

  "Fuck," she murmured, as everything began to set in.

  "Fuck," Fred agreed with a sigh.

[miqojak]

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

Edgy OC Ask Meme ( @the-sycophant for also asking this one! )

It's funny, because it would both be not very different, but also quite different. There's a couple turning points, I think - either A) She and her twin never try to pick-pocket Kublai, thus never ending up in the Yakuza, or B) She ends up in the Yakuza, but never meets Ketsuchi.

Both of these still end in her career being quite similar thus far - she always ends up as some sort of crime boss, be it in the East, or as some sort of gang leader in Ul'dah. The real difference is in the lack of knowing Ketsuchi - all other people she's interacted with in RP that she's let herself get close to? Have all been a let down. They've all left her behind/left the game, so all her biases have been confirmed all along - save for the instances where Ketsuchi helps her to learn to better communicate, to better express herself, to put the somnus down... to, in small ways, be a slightly better person and version of herself. He claims, even IC, that his own moral compass isn't great - but he's basically single-handedly steered Jak off of a path of destruction - both her own, and that of everyone around her.

She'd be a less forgiving leader, however - just as exacting in every way, but without any margin for forgiveness - and far more violent in upholding her standards and expectations. It's hard to say if she'd still be on somnus - she was trying to kick the habit, but Ketsuchi gave her a lot of shit about it at the time... thus encouraging her to try even harder, to not just prove herself wrong... but him, too. She'd just be... a lot more cold, and cruel. She wouldn't doubt herself when she calls everyone a sheep. She wouldn't look for diamonds in the rough. She wouldn't have as much heart for those still in the gutter... because the last of her little heart would have been left behind about the time she ended up in an abusive relationship with a de-throned crime lord, and didn't have Ketsuchi to pick her up (and say "I told you so") afterwards. She learned a lot about him, about herself, and about the world during that time -and though she wishes it hadn't happened? It showed her that she can't keep painting all people with one brush. The people who let her stay with them while she was recovering had no reason to help her - save that someone they consider a friend has asked it of them. And someone who had told her he loved her had hurt her in ways unspeakable - and all while the one man who had never said any soft words to her really... kept showing up for her. She believes in actions, and his actions showed her, over time, that her fears and suspicions were oft misplaced.

When you rescue an alley cat, you coax it out not with soft words - but with your actions. You move slow, you offer kind gestures, and eventually it realizes that you're just bringing it some tuna, and leaving it alone, and that's okay. Ketsuchi was the one person willing to take the time it takes to coax Jak out of the dark place she'd dug into, back into the light of day, and show her that while most of the world is pretty terrible - it's not all as bad as she thinks it is. Everyone else got her about halfway to seeing the light, then washed their hands of her - not truly comprehending how damaged she was, despite how many times she insisted they not bother, that these people not get her hopes up if they were just going to walk way. A taste of that light is worse than not seeing it at all, after all - it just hurts, at that point. So...it might sound sentimental, but it's more like he was monumental in helping her be who she is, today. If he weren't around in her life? Well, she'd probably be decidedly villainous; when the world cares not for the broken, what else are the broken edges to become, but sharp?

[acrossthewavesoftime]

5, 14, 22 for the ask! :)

Ahoi, my friend! :)

5. TV show of the year? I'm very bad with modern TV shows and barely watch any, though this year's highlights would be Derry Girls and season 2 of Luxembourgish crime drama Capitani for me.

That said, kind online friends introduced me to The Prince Regent and The First Churchills, which are very much vintage television, but range among my favourites.

...Look at these perfectly functional, happy families! Sure what could go wrong?

14. Favorite book you read this year? In the way of pleasure- or leisure time reading, my personal discovery of the year was Marjorie Bowen, a versatile, yet largely forgotten fiction and history (and sometimes, historical fiction) writer of the early 20th century whose take on William of Orange in her triology on him captivated me.

To preface my little essay on why I like Bowen's books, I did not go into them with a favourable opinion of the man, and was pleasantly surprised that, contrary to my expectation, I did not find a British nationalist glorification of a historical figure, but a surprisingly profound character study.

I was particularly astonished by the first novel, I Will Maintain, which does not have a romantic plotline and leaves the readers in a moral quandary as the main character's political adversaries, the power struggle with whom is at the centre of the plot, are portrayed as reasonable, likeable people with similar goals, yet entirely different ideas.

Another aspect I enjoy about Bowen's writing and her take on William of Orange in particular is that she lets him be just a main character; he certainly is not a Good Guy (on the contrary, his short temper, self-importance and absolutely tone deaf behaviour towards people he considers less intelligent than himself, which quite frankly is almost everyone, cause him to come across as annoying and almost childish at times), but he is no tragi-glorious Byronic hero, either.

It's a well-researched, three-part character study that focusses on a man, his ambition, and the price he pays for it without moralising or pushing any political agendas of its day (if the notes in my copy by a reader of the 1910s are anything to go by, at least some appear to have been disappointed to have been served an asthmatic, scrawny young man who throws toddler-esque hissy fits over being handed the wrong pair of gloves rather than a dashing hero).

Altogether well-researched with only few nit-picky errors in the historical framework that are entirely forgiveable considering the time of writing and the amount of work that must have been behind setting the historical perimetres faithfully, I also applaud Bowen's skill of writing a main character whose chronic illness features in a way that feels authentic without letting the illness take on a the part of a character of its own.

All things considered, I would love for contemporary historical fiction (a genre I've grown to avoid reading) to take a few leaves out of Bowen's books! It would be great to see more non-romance historical fiction on the market, and greater (faithful!) representation of chronic illness and disabilities for a start, not to speak of main characters who're not morally untouchable.

22. Favorite place you visited this year? You and your spouse appear to have the same taste in questions- I answered this one already! :-)

[lesewut]

Guilt and guilt consciousness - The righteous always accuses himself first

It is difficult to compare oneself with others, to find criteria for a yardstick and to use these as a guideline according to selected criteria. In the manifold development of man, the course for later development is set in the initial phases of his being. The family, which should give the child its roots and wings, becomes a means of interpreting and coping with life, whether consciously or unconsciously. One does not outgrow childhood, it rather enlarges over time as if it’s seen under a microscope.

Genet, who did not know his biological parents and grew up with foster parents, stole from them at a young age and later explained that he only became a criminal because society had chosen him to be one. This phenomenon is not new, but it can be applied to Genet's biography (before he was recognized by the philosophers), who, as many indications show, chose a life of crime for autonomous reasons.

After all, anything that seems too dangerous as an idea, too unruly for the people's concept of freedom and their intellectual autonomy, is sanctioned and stifled. Be it the ideas of Socrates (he was accused for corrupting the youth, although he wanted to increase the ability to think through dialectics and the principle of questioning), Jesus (charity and forgiveness, in a society in which the talion principle, ius talionis, was seen as necessary retribution) or Bruno (a sad proof of the lacking development in knowledge, when discoveries are considered as blasphemous…) , shook the given structures of order and wanted to help find the truth more deeply. However, by considering their ideas to be crimes, establishing their culpability for their actions and emphasising their danger to society, the subsequent punishment was intended to restore justice.

The perpetrator's guilt as the basis for the imposition of punishment seemed arbitrary; it pursued purposes other than that of being a response to alleged misbehaviour. It often served to uphold political and economic interests.

Further and yet different examples of the phenomenon of society producing the criminal are from the literary world e.g. Edmond Dantés (The Count of Monte Cristo) and Jean Valjean (Les Misérables), whereby Dantés was falsely accused and had to endure as a political prisoner in the dungeons of the castle of If for a crime he never committed (until his legendary escape, and, as a result of his fourteen years of imprisonment, he first sought the criminal logic of retribution) and Jean Valjean, despite his hard work and endeavours, was unable to provide his seven nieces and nephews with a crumb of bread to live on: He stole so that others would not starve and served his sentence in the galleys, but wasn't it already a crime to keep bread in a gilded cage far away from the toiling people?

Genet deliberately broke with morality, not for reasons of hunger or life support, but out of poetic fascination with the life of a criminal. He banished himself from the circle of the so-called righteous, his sympathy was with crime and criminals, he downright loved them, but he also loved the punishment that came with a criminal offence, as he himself emphasises:

"But if I love their crimes, it is for the share of punishment that it contains (...) and so I want to love them so that my love finds fulfilment." [24]

He seemed to seek misfortune for his sense of beauty, the rough and hard was just as necessary for it, he liked to feel hurt and outcast in his delicacy, and yet Genet felt a great bond with creation, although he always saw it in terms of the separation between criminals and others:

"I wish to become a multitude, my companions from misery, the children of misfortune. I envy them for the fame which they separate and which I use for less pure purposes. Talent is courtesy to matter; its essence is to give song to mute things. My talent is my love for what makes up the world of prisons and bagnos. Not as if I wanted to transform them, to lead them towards your life, or as if I granted them indulgence and pity: for me, thieves, traitors, murderers, villains and swindlers have a deep - an empty beauty that I deny you!" [108]

The application of criminal law is the postulate, closely linked to the idea of human dignity, that someone may only be punished for an offence if this offence can be imputed to him as a personally attributable wrong. Was Genet compelled to commit a crime for heteronomous reasons, like Jean Valjean, in order not to watch children starve to death, or were his extraordinary deeds declared crimes because the power-elite saw them as having too great a revolutionary force?

In the newspaper article above, Genet compares himself very unhappily with Kafka, with a person who- beginning from early childhood, felt guilty for everything, because his father blamed and accused him for everything. The invisible judge, who manifests himself not only in his works, is an integral part of his personality. An opaque judicial system that passes bureaucratic and impersonal judgement on people, condemns them and keeps their entire lives behind a file number. A maze of paragraphs and legal definitions, endlessly long corridors where artificial light makes you forget the night. Judges and lawyers, statues of the law, cold, deaf, mute.

The righteous man is in an eternal trial against himself, conscience as the voice of reason and there will always be a reason to feel guilty, be it because one is better off than others and feels the pain of the world (Weltschmerz) or because the universal capacity for guilt is a relic from original sin? The idea becomes even clearer in view of the climate crisis: our carbon footprint and the consequences for the world and posterity.

Genet may have consciously withdrawn from the system of bureaucratised work, he certainly never experienced the pressure and irrationality of ordinary life, yet he condemns Kafka and his art, even though he himself should have realised that he lacks the moral organ to put himself in the Kafkaesque world.

This text began with the difficulty of comparison and will end with it. Both Kafka and Genet describe the crime and the punishment in their own way: Kafka is blamelessly guilty and Genet, despite being guilty, is incapable of feeling guilt. A person's capacity for guilt is an inner peculiarity, which is trodden on by the coarse and nourished by the tender.

Warum wurde ich der Dieb? Ein Kind guckt aus dem Fenster und sieht unten jemanden gehen Es fragt sich warum es so geboren ist und ob es später wird mehr verstehen

Der Dieb hebt den Kopf und sieht des Henkers Silhouette „Wieso musste ich der Dieb werden, bald sterbend für etwas wofür ich keine Schuld empfinde? Der, der den Arm austreckt in einer Welt, die den Hungrigen frisst- und ein Verbrecher wird, weil das ihm zustehende Brot im goldenen Käfig ist? Stehe ich im größeren Unrecht? Oder bin ich klein genug, dass man mit dem Finger auf mich zeigen kann? Ist dies die Gerechtigkeit der Menschen, so erkenne ich sie nicht an!

Wenn entbeut Lieb dem Andern Lieb, da Geteiltheit nicht das Ganze gibt Wohl oft war ich dieser Fahrten ein verrohter Dieb Dafür verdiente ich ein Tödlichhieb!

Wahnjammer fürchtend musste ich stehlen Niemand kann diese Beichte abnehmen Das Herz wird dem ohne Courage und auch ich mir selbst Nie und nimmer vergeben

Sicher, oft war ich am Verfehlen Und oft scheiternd an ausgedachten Hindernissen Mit diesen Geistern, die mich quälen Schatten von Versäumnissen

Ein Fleckchen blau über meinem Haupt- o, bitte! Ein Stückchen Erde, sei sie auch am Abgrundsrand

Jede Sekunde einatmend und dann die Zeit wegpustend mit dem Löwenzahn

Alles wird durchseelt und ich sehe ein Fenster dahinter ein Kind, welches lacht Auch mein schlechtes Los hätte ein Billet sein können hätte der Vorwurf mit dem Möglichen getanzt

Wie groß hätte diese Welt sein können, ein Reich, in dem ich immer wäre satt Doch der Bauchschmerz verdrängte und fraß dann auch die Moral!“ Der Dieb dachte so laut, dass es um ihn herum wie zu blitzen schien Noch weiter wurde der Hals noch oben gestreckt Vielleicht wollte das Ohr noch ein letztes Vogellied vernehmen In kontra-f, ein Posaunenton Der knurrende Magen des Brotdiebs, welch‘ Schicksalshohn! Doch unverhofft zart kurz vor dem Hieb ein leises Gezwitscher und ein Gruß aus der Ewigkeit im reflektierenden Eisenglitter

[mejomonster]

Huai dao lb: still in chapter 1 (i know). Su Junzi and Sheng Yao are definitely idea templates that possibly inspired Luo Wenzhou and Fei Du. Su Junzi: family man, good father, older than 20s, friendly but able to be sharp, protective of people he cares about. Sheng Yao: description is a more everyday version of Fei Du with peach blossom eyes and being young and extremely flirty and provacative. Both of them have an easy dynamic bounce off of each other (and Yang-jie... which i guess if u stretch it couldve been using some generic Tao Ran traits). Thats not to say these arent unique characters. Priests pretty good even in this story, with making characters feel instantly Their Own character. So like, i mean generic in the sense that like... a lot of crime mystery danmei novels have characters with X trait. You have investigators who wont stop working even when injured (Shen Yexi in this, Tao Ran in Modu, protagonist in In The Dark, protagonist in Poyun, etc). You have beautiful playboy flirtatious types (sheng yao in this, fei du, zhao yunlan in guardian, protagonist in In The Dark). So what I mean is like... sheng yao isnt fei du 1.0. But its clear priest liked the key traits of flirty and young and beautiful, and decided to use them again for Fei Du and go more in depth to the extremes those traits might exist in.

For example like. Fei Du is flirtatious but its to maintain a persona as if he is like Zhang Donglai. His flirtation is motivated very little by spontaneous pleasure seeking, except maybe in a desire to be foolish and self destructive like Normal People and feel Normal and not a monster like Zhang Donglai. His flirtatiousness is dangerous, his youth is weaponized, his incredible wealth creates a power dynamic placing him in strength to be above pretty much the entire police force. Fei Du is incredibly intelligent and obsessive and strives to know as much as he can to manipulate enviornments hes in. Versus Sheng Yao here, who at least initial impressions is an average intelligence average wage cop whos a newbie and likes to have fun with life, who very much has no special preparation or obsession with his work beyond his colleagues. Su Junzi has some traits which will be utilized in Luo Wenzhou: extremely loving, protective of people he cares for, older in a parental role, easy going and forgiving but also capable of being in charge. But Luo Wenzhous, lets say character flaws or intensities, take those traits to areas I doubt Su Junzi's will go. Luo Wenzhou takes being unable to help a victim so personally he tries to save them, tries to interfere in their life, when its unprofessional and likely against recommendation - fei du. He comes from a priviledged family with influence over the police, so hes outspoken and brave to authority out of a knowledge he has some armor and therefore can afford to Push to better help his coworkers and civilians. Also means he can afford to bend rules/orders to his needs with less fear of obstruction or being restrained. His obsession with keeping loved ones safe, and failing innocent ppl, means hes full on afraid to start a real family. He crushes on a straight man (who is emotionally unavailable and also pushing romance away) to avoid the possibility of getting super close to someone he could let down, he considers tao ran a surrogate partner and fei du a surrogate kid to both justify his intense protectiveness (that can go controlling at times) and to give an artificial boundary for why they cant be even Closer as a lover. Luo Wenzhou takes those common traits of protective, family man, friendly but authoritative, to some extreme places (also no doubt a contributing factor to him and fei dus ongoing daddy kink).

Anyway. I am curious how sheng yao and su junzi will be even more distinct as things go on.

Also Jiang Hu... is giving very curious vibes. Not particularly similar to Guo Changcheng after all. Maybe more like L from death note if anything? Distinctly mm off compared to other psychologists Shen Yexi has met but not in a bad way. Its giving messy young man (L) who is probably more intelligent than the unorthodox behavior which is indicating amateur. Meaning either a. Jiang Hu's just a bit of an oddball (valid and very L like), or hes hiding a bit/giving off a persona on purpose (which would be more Shen Wei has a secret identity and motive Like).

[sleepyowlwrites]

Dirt in the Doing | a WIP introduction

TITLE: Dirt in the Doing (usually all in lowercase) GENRE: vague futuristic grunge, ci-fi (city fiction) SETTING: alternate earth, alternate asia* TROPES: found family, man vs. self, childhood trauma, mental health issues, revenge, forgiveness, anger (mis)management TRIGGERS: violence, mental illness, bad coping mechanisms, abuse, manipulation, attempted assault, drug usage

STORY:

If he's being honest with himself, Jet doesn't have any long-term goals. He thought he wanted to study law, he thought he wanted to be an activist, he thought he believed in something. Now he's busting his hands everyday in a garage and on other people's faces. Jet has no plans, and therefore nothing is disrupted when his twin brother appears back in his life after several years of no contact. Nothing, except his ritualistic habit of being angry, taking it out on someone who maybe asked for it, maybe didn't, and then continuing to be angry after the rush dies down.

Copper doesn't judge him, but he does want to get to know him again, which is hard, considering Jet is stalling on the process of getting to know himself.

And then Rune shows up, at first seeming to be his spiritual twin and then his complete opposite. She's got plenty of her own demons and anger issues haunting her, and despite preferring not to meddle in other people's lives, Jet decides it would be good idea to help her with what's chasing her instead of confronting his own issues.

It turns out that both things can and probably will happen at the same time and it's really hard to deal with someone else's trauma when you're ignoring your own. At the very least, while Jet is emotionally dealing with his trauma, he does get to physically deal with Rune's which comes with the added bonus of punching people, something which Jet is already good at.

Awesome.

THE CHARACTERS:

Jet, 22

Rune, 25

Copper, 22

Shadow, 21

Moss, 29

Yarrow, 20

Hawk, 23

Max, 27 (our main antagonist for the story)

Cam, 24 (our secondary antagonist for the story)

PLOT AND KETTLE: in the absence of Jet being willing to act out his own story, he's working on Rune's, which involves no less than: a drug dealer, a fighting ring, too many people's traumas to count, his twin trying to have emotions with him, a stale murder investigation, accidental arson, petty crimes, a mediocre mortal enemyship, a really, truly serious enemyship, and rent.

STUFF THAT IS NIFTY: Rune has a million secrets. Max has a superiority complex and too many young people addicted to multiple highs. Hawk is too afraid to investigate the mysterious deaths of his parents. Shadow is homeless. Copper is relentless in his kindness but also in his guilt. Moss can't care for the whole world so he tries to at least care for his friends. Yarrow exists in that strange state of perpetual coasting. there are are more moments to be found in the quiet, but unfortunately too many more to be born out of danger.

STATUS CHECK: in either the 0 or 1st draft, depending on how much sense it makes by the end

*I said alternate asia because I've imagined all the characters as being vaguely asian-coded, a carryover from when this wip was fanficion for a thai series for about 2500 words

taglist: @writingonesdreams @zoya-writes @selene-stories @enchanted-lightning-aes and my other muses @klywrites @ren-c-leyn @diphthongsfordays @myhusbandsasemni @drippingmoon

[in-ky]

Hi! I’d love a story about Negan being a serial killer who only kills “bad people” (like in Dexter) and maybe he saves the reader from her ex who’s about to kill her and Negan can save her and takes her in because she’s a mess but she’s actually a killer herself (who kills rapists etc/ only the bad ones) and Negan and the reader start fighting and then get caught up in steamy hot sex 🥵 thank you!

Savior - Negan Killer AU

Warnings: Warnings: GORE + violence, smut, domestic abuse, swearing, dirty talk ig? idk how to tag this lol

A/N: hey! i struggled over this one for a while lol. ive only seen like. 3? episodes of dexter so. i really hope this meets your expectations! also forgive any mistakes its late, im tired, and i wanna get this up lol. also, is negan batman? maybe. 3.7k words

"Will, stop you're hurting me!" I hissed, grabbing at his wrist. He tugged me out of the bustling restaurant and into the dark street.

"I don't really give a shit," He snarled, throwing me into a secluded alleyway a few buildings down from the restaurant. Will had taken me out to a business dinner with his boss in hopes of showing me off and making a good impression. But things didn't quite go according to plan. "You embarrassed me in front of everyone!" He pushed me against the brick wall of the closed department store.

"What was I supposed to do?" I sneered, trying to wiggle away from him "He kept commenting on my body, saying how he wished he could take me home at the end of the night and do all kinds of 'unspeakable things to me'."

"You were just supposed to shut up and take it!" Will said, voice filled with rage "But no, you and your untamable fucking complex just couldn't handle a compliment. You threw your drink in his face! You're lucky he didn't fire me right then and there. You made me look like some pussy who can't control his whore."

"You're an asshole." I shouted, tears welling at the edges of my eyes. Will's face contorted further into a look of pure, unadulterated hatred.

"What the fuck did you just call me?" He seethed, clasping his hand tightly around my throat and constricting his fingers around my airway.

"I said you're an asshole who cares more about his dead-end career than his fucking girlfriend." I croaked. I hated him. I hated him so much. My vision clouded with the combination of disgust, loathing, and lack of oxygen, so I hit him where I knew it hurt. "There's a reason you needed me for arm candy tonight. It's 'cause you're a boring, piece-of-shit, lowlife who has no skill whatsoever. How does it feel knowing you need me to make something of yourself?" With that, he threw me to the ground by my throat. He wasted no time and pinned me to the cold concrete. His knees dug into my shoulders and his hand flew to his back pocket, whipping out the switchblade he carried as a precaution against mugging. My eyes widened as they caught a glint of the moonlight off the sharp knife. He brought the blade up to my throat and slapped me over the cheek harshly with his free hand.

"You better take back those words, bitch," He hissed, pressing the blade into the soft skin of my jugular "or they might just be your last." A dribble of blood ran down my neck with the pressure. Realization flashed through my mind. I could die right then. That could have been my last moment. Was I scared? No. Why wasn't I scared? Maybe it had to do with the shadowy figure that was slowly approaching us from the ally entrance.

There was plenty of time for me to warn Will that someone was coming. But I didn't. Instead, I stayed quiet and watched as the shadow figure pulled Will from my body with ease and tossed him to the side. Everything was kind of a blur. I was still oxygen starved and filled with a whirl-wind of emotion. I heard Will cry out in surprise and indignance. The shadow figure said nothing. It saw the switchblade with a steady line of my blood. It kicked Will in the chest, knocking him to the ground. Then it lifted up a baseball bat over its head and cracked it down over Will's skull. He continued to beat Will until he stopped squirming. The shadow figure paused and swung the bat over his shoulder. I had regained my breath and pushed myself to my elbows. The shadow noticed me moving and took a few heavy steps in my direction. I squirmed away slightly, instincts telling me to get away from the thing that had just pulverized my boyfriend. The shadow entered a stream of moonlight. It was a man. He had peppered hair and a blood-speckled face. He had dark brown eyes and a small smile perched on his lips.

"You okay, sweetheart?" He said. His voice was deep. I was partially surprised. He wasn't a bulky man. He was tall and had a broad frame, but his limbs were long and his body was lithe. He wore a leather jacket and his boots were slick with what I could only assume were Will's brains. I didn't want to look at his bat.

"W-Why did you do that?" I whispered. It was all I could muster.

"He was going to kill you." The man sounded confused, like I was supposed to know who he was and why he saved me.

"You don't know that." My voice was quiet. My eyes were glued to a spot behind the man, unblinking. He let out a throaty chuckle and dropped to a squat, leveling with me.

"Doll, he had a knife pressed to your throat," His words were gentle "Looked like he was gonna fuckin' kill you." He hesitantly reached out two fingers in the direction of my face. I didn't move. He was wearing leather gloves. The ridged fabric ran along my injuries. "Seems like he did some damage before I could step in. Damn. Sorry about that. Listen, I live a few streets down. If you want, I can get you cleaned up."

"Okay," I said softly. I let him help me up to my feet. He guided me along with one arm while holding his bat with the other. As we walked out of the alley I couldn't help but look down at Will, or what remained of him at least. His forehead was split in half, a pool of chunky blood bubbling on the ground. I clenched my jaw and forced myself to swallow the bile that had risen in my throat. And yet, I didn't feel sad. I didn't mourn him. Maybe it was shock, maybe it wasn't. "Thank you?" I murmured, though it was more of a question. The man and I stepped out onto the street and I was grateful there was no one around to see us leaving the scene of a very heinous-looking crime.

"No problem, doll," The man hummed, setting a brisk pace down the sidewalk. "The name's Negan, by the way." Cool. Negan: my Savior.

~~~

"So you're like Batman?" I asked Negan as he dabbed the blood away from my neck. He gave a short chuckle and tore away the sticky part of the band-aid.

"I guess you can say that," he mused, splaying the bandage over the cut the knife had left "but I specifically go for people that I know have hurt others. The baddies, if you will."

"Is that legal?" I tilted my head, crossing my ankles as they dangled over the bathroom counter. My palms were flat on the surface of Negan's marble sink top, fiddling with the wrappers of the medical supplies he had used to clean and bandage my small cuts and bruises.

"I haven't been caught," Negan shrugged "besides, it's less work for the police. They don't have to do any interrogation bullshit or anything. I usually catch people in the act, like tonight. Then I do my thing."

"Do you kill everyone?"

"Only the bad people," He reminded, tossing away a bloody tissue "only people who have hurt others. But, yes, usually the offender ends up on the business end of Lucille over there." He pointed out the door into the living room, where the still-bloody bat rested against a chair. I furrowed my brow.

"Well, doesn't that make you a bad guy?" I pressed. He tapped my knee and I dropped down to the tile floor, tucking my hair behind my ear and gathering some of the scraps.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you still kill people, right? Even if they're bad? So doesn't that still make you a killer?" Negan was quiet for a minute. "Let's put it this way," I continued "What would you do if you came across someone who was like you; someone who hurt the bad people. Would you still kill them. They're hurting people." Negan took a deep breath and let it out with a contemplative sigh, itching his bearded chin.

"I'm not sure," He mused "I've never really thought about it before. See, I don't consider myself a bad person per say. Yea, what I'm doing might be considered fucked up. But I'm doing it for the right reason. I'm protecting people by attacking their attackers. In the end, someone's saved." He brushed off his hands and led me out of the bathroom, flicking the light off. "Would you rather me not have saved you tonight?"

"No," I said immediately "thank you. Really, thank you. You saved my life. Will is...was...always a dick, but I never thought he'd actually hurt me. I guess that proves people can have a whole bunch of layers." Negan nodded and moved to the kitchen. He raised a bottle of whiskey as an offering. I shook my head but he poured himself a glass.

"I was just doing my job," Negan grinned sympathetically "I'm sorry your boyfriend was an asshole who tried to murder you." I shrugged, amusement in my eyes.

"Eh, it happens to everyone." I smiled as he let out another laugh. I felt as if I shouldn't be laughing, but at the same time, everyone has their own responses to almost getting stabbed to death in an alley. So I let myself have this moment. Besides, Negan was a good guy to be around. He made me feel safe, comfortable, secure. Everything I needed right now. "So, Negan, what do you do? Surely vigilante-ing can't pay well, and this apartment is really nice."

"I'm a retired baseball player," Negan said, sipping his whiskey and settling into one of the armchairs in the living room "Hence the bat."

"Were you any good?" I asked. He let out a loud scoff.

"Was I any good?" He mocked "Sweetheart, I have a whole damn trophy room. I was fucking amazing. I just got old."

"So you're rich with no real job, you kill bad guys, and you have a massive ego," I listed "You really are like Batman, aren't you?"

~~~

Negan let me stay on his couch that night. It was leather, like everything else that man seemed to own, but it was comfortable. I woke up to the smell of bacon filling the air. I groaned and rubbed my fists against my eyes, clearing them of sleep. I stretched my arms above my head in a yawn and rolled off the couch, stumbling into the kitchen. Negan was hunched over the bubbling pan, dodging pellets of grease as they shot up at him.

"Smells good!" I purred, closing my eyes and taking a deep inhale.

"Good," He grumbled "You better fucking enjoy it because I've gotten burned at least three times." I laughed and walked up to him examining the small red patches that dotted his arms.

"You didn't have to make me breakfast you know."

"Yea, but I wanted to make sure you were comfortable," He sighed, turning off the stove and scooping the cooked bacon onto a paper towel. "Besides, I was craving some bacon when I woke up. I haven't had someone to share a meal with in a while."

"Well, if you want, you can come by my house for dinner." I offered, crunching down on a piece of bacon "I've been meaning to whip out the family alfredo recipe for a while, maybe a hot date would give me that incentive." I gave him a playful wink and he chuckled.

"Sure thing, doll," He hummed, putting the pan in the sink "I love me some fucking spaghetti. I'll see you around seven?"

"Sounds good."

~~~

I ran down the sidewalk, chest heaving. There was enough darkness to cover me, but I still kept my head down to prevent recognition. I held my hands close to my stomach, praying that the blood on my fingers wouldn't drip on the pavement and leave a trail. I had been on my way home from the store when I heard some commotion coming from an alley. My first instinct was to run, but then I heard the girl crying for help. Negan came to mind, what he did, how he helped people. I couldn't turn away. I marched down the alley and saw a greasy man pinning a woman to the wall of a building. Flashbacks of the night before hit me like a train. I looked on top of the alley dumpster  and saw a crowbar perched on one of the lids. I grabbed it and stormed up to the man, whacking him upside the head with the weapon. I kicked him to the side and brought the crowbar over my head before swinging it down. It connected with his face in a sickening 'thwack.' I thought of Will. I thought of what might of happened if Negan had never stopped him. I thought of all the times that bastard had gotten drunk and told me I was nothing. I let the rage bubble up and fuel my beating. By the time I was pulled back into the moment, my muscles were screaming, the woman was gone, and the man's face was unrecognizable. I tossed the crowbar into the dumpster and ran back home.

Dried blood is extremely hard to wash off. It sticks to your skin in flakes, creating a pattern of red veins crawling over your hands. Fuck. I scrubbed as hard as I could under the rushing water of the sink, pumping more and more soap into my hand. It was under my fingernails. It was stuck in my palm prints. Shit, did I leave fingerprints at the scene? Would they be coming for me? With a hiss, I rubbed even harder at my skin, small flecks of blood turning the sink water red.

Suddenly, my door opened.

"I'm ready for my s'getties!" Negan boomed with a wide smile. My head whipped around, looking at him with wide eyes. His grin faded and he crossed the room in record time, grabbing my wrists and turning the sink off. "Is this fucking blood?" He snarled, bringing my hands up to my face. I clenched my jaw and dropped my eyes to my feet. "Jesus, who's is it? Answer me!"

"I-I heard someone screaming on the way home," I said quietly, eyes still downcast "I thought I would help..." His jaw went slack and he let go of my hands, running his fingers through his hair.

"Jesus fuck, you can't just go around killing people!"

"Why not?" I snapped, eyes meeting his "You do it all the time? What's the difference? Why can't I help people?"

"Because it...Because you just can't!" Negan growled, shaking his head.

"Why are you so special?" I hissed back, drying my hands off on a towel before tossing it at him "It's not like you can get a permit for fucking murder. Why do you do it, anyways? Is it some perverted thing? Do you get off on saving people from attackers?"

"Watch yourself." Negan warned, eyes darkening.

"Pfft, or what?" I laughed, tossing my head back "What are you gonna do, kill me? I'm not afraid of you, Negan." As soon as the words left my mouth, he charged me. His hand flew to my throat, squeezing my airway lightly. His hips pressed me against the counter. I let out a small gasp when he shoved his face next to mine.

"Oh, but doll, you really fucking should be." He spat, curling his lip "I could snap your neck right here, right now." He gave a small squeeze to emphasize his words. I let out a strangled moan. We both froze. "Are you turned on right now?" He muttered, furrowing his brow. I licked my lips and squirmed in his grip, pressing my thighs together slightly in an effort to alleviate the warm pressure growing in my belly.

"No," I lied, voice weak. A sinister grin curled over the bottom half of his face and he licked his tongue over his teeth.

"And I'm the perv, huh?" He sucked on my earlobe and peppered kisses down my jawline "Sweetheart, tell me, do you want me to fuck that pretty little pussy of yours? Do you want me to make you cum harder than you ever have?" I whimpered at his dirty mouth. "Use your words, doll, or I'll leave right fucking now."

"Y-Yes!" I breathed as Negan's lips sucked on the sweet spot right beneath my ear.

"Yes, what, princess?"

"Yes, I want you to fuck me, please!" I groaned, clawing at his shirt. He let out a short chuckle, muttering something about how needy I was, but I didn't care. Right now, the only thought running through my head was that I needed Negan. I needed all of him. And damn me if I wasn't going to get it.

We clawed at each other's clothes like rabid animals. Once we were completely bare, Negan moved his kisses down my body. His large, calloused hands kneaded my breasts, twisting my nipples between his thumbs. My arms flew around his neck and I dragged my fingernails up his back. He shivered against my touch and slid his hands further down my body. They settled firmly on my hips as he captured my lips in a fervent kiss.

"Fuck, sweetheart," he grunted, pulling back for air. I looked at him. His tawny eyes were now black, pupils far beyond dilated with lust. Both of our lips were swollen and red from the intensity of our kisses. Negan's chest inflated and deflated quickly as his eyes roamed over my body. "You're so damn perfect." I smiled sheepishly and pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, looking up at him through lidded eyes.

"You're not so bad yourself," I reached out my hand and used my pointer finger to draw a line from his collar bone down the center of his chest and through his navel, finally ending right over his pulsing cock. He sucked in a breath as my fingers closed around him. My thumb swept over the hot tip, gathering precum on the pad of my finger and rubbing it around.

"Shit," He hissed as I slowly pumped him "I'm not gonna fucking last if you keep doing that." He gently pried my hand away and took a step closer to me. I could feel his hardened length resting against the inside of my thigh. The thought of him being so close made a burst of heat rush down between my thighs. Negan took a long finger and ran it through my folds, collecting my wetness. I moaned as he teasingly dipped the first knuckle into me. He pulled back and let out a low whistle. "Damn, girl," he chuckled, raising his finger to my face "You're fucking dripping. Who's that for?" His slick-coated fingers glistened in the light of my apartment. I let out a deep groan as he slid them between his lips and sucked.

"You, Negan!" I whimpered, wrapping my legs around his waist "It's all for you." A wolfish grin spread over his features as he tugged me off him and pulled me down off the counter. He spun me around and pressed gently between my shoulder blades until my chest was flat against the cold surface.

"Then if you don't mind," Negan cooed, lining himself up with my entrance "I'm going to take what belongs to me." With that, he slowly pushed into me. I gasped at the stretch, balling my hands into fists as he continued to split me open.

"Fucking shit," he groaned once he bottomed out "you're tight as hell. I bet you've never had a dick as big as mine." He pulled out slightly and I let out a moan at the growing emptiness inside. The moan soon turned to a yelp when he brought down his hand against my ass. The smack was loud and he rubbed the red spot tenderly. "Have you?"

"N-No!" I gasped when he thrusted into me for the first time "Never. Fuck, you feel so good." Negan's thrusts sped up, his hips snapping against my ass in an obscene rhythm. Grunts and moans of pleasure slipped from both of our lips as he plowed unapologetically into me. I could feel every inch of him. He was hitting every spot, dragging against my walls in a sinfully perfect way.

"You're doing so good," He purred, kissing and biting my shoulder "So good for me. You're so perfect." I tossed my head back and he grabbed my chin, tilting my face towards him so he could give me another bruising kiss. I could only keep up for so long, though, and the white bliss of pleasure he was giving me soon became overwhelming. My jaw went slack and my head dropped against the cool tile of the counter in an attempt to ground myself in the moment. "I want you to cum, doll, cum around me. Wanna feel those walls squeeze me." His thrusts were starting to become sloppy and I could tell he was getting to his end. One of his fingers danced down my spine and found its way to my clit. He circled it with just enough pressure to get me to the edge that I was so willing to jump off. "Now." Negan growled. I obeyed, feeling the band in my lower abdomen snapping violently. We reached our releases simultaneously. My walls clenched around him, milking him of every drop. I screwed my eyes shut and screamed his name, holding in a large breath as the world around me spun. Negan eventually pulled himself out and collapsed on top of me. We both were breathing heavily, sweaty bodies entangled as well as we could over a counter. I swallowed, my throat dry from panting through my orgasm. When my eyes fluttered open, I could see Negan's thumb tracing circles over the love bites that were starting to darken on my shoulders.

"Are you going to kill me?" I rasped, running a hand through my wild hair "I guess I'm a bad person now." Negan chuckled, still out of breath.

"I think I'll make an exception," He mused, pressing a sweet kiss to the shell of my ear "I don't think I'm ready to let you go just yet."

[captnjacksparrow]

if you had to rank your fav naruto characters how would it go? love your blog btw!!

Hmmm... Complicated ask, anon.😂

[My personal life would be splashed here and there. Please bear with me]

Before 5 months, if you asked me about Naruto, my response would be ‘What the fuck is that?’. I absolutely had no idea such a treasure existed. For me, it started out like a blockbuster movie for the sheer variety of fights and the resulting emotions it brought within me. 

However, there was a point I stopped and thought, ‘Wait a fucking second. This resembles my family dynamics. This person is speaking the exact same lines I spoke to my parents few years ago. This person’s situation resembles mine. Did this creator a time traveler?’. Naruto is the only piece of media that gave me such feel. Am not even exaggerating, believe me. 

I really liked so many characters very much but am going to try my best to list just 10. 

The only characters I hate in this series are Danzo, Sakura and Hinata in no particular order. Meaning, I absolutely cannot see any positives in them. They are crassy, cringey and completely detestable.

FAVOURITE NARUTO CHARACTERS

10. Killer Bee

HaHaHa :-) Just seeing this character makes me smile and light-hearted.

It’s a pity that he is the only character who don’t belong to Konoha in my Top 10 rankings who was developed well apart from Gaara.

I loved him from Frame 1 onwards and I sincerely wished Team Taka should be packed up with their ass beaten up mercilessly. And that’s what happened.

Despite being a Jinchurikki, he never bothered to mind his surroundings and filled his heart with love from his over protective Brother alone was nice to watch.

He makes a great Tag Partner with Naruto next to Sasuke. No doubt.

The way Killer Bee treated Team Taka like some annoying flies and his cool and don’t care attitude was top notch. It’s not just with Sasuke, Bee treated Naruto with the same IDGAF attitude at first.

Best Moments:

Lariat punch to Sasuke (TBH, Sasuke deserved it. LOL)

Blasted off every member of Team Taka like a doll

His entire conversation and fight sequence with Kisame (Their banters and exchanges are way too hilarious)

His dynamics with his Elder Brother (God!!!! Whenever Raikage gives him an Iron Claw.... What a hilarious duo!!!!)

9. Hatake Kakashi

Kakashi was my most favourite character when I started the series for simply being ultra-cool with the way he conducted the Bell-Test and taught a valuable lesson for those bratty kids in Team 7 called ‘Team Work’. 

Best Moments:

Kakashi vs Obito Hand-to-Hand Combat (the best in the series)

Kakashi in the Gaara retrieval arc (His fight with Itachi & Deidara gave a good start to the shippuden series. His Mangekyou reveal was surprising).

Kakashi & Guy teaming up with Naruto to reveal Obito in a twisty and tragic way. (Kakashi couldn’t handle the truth at all and neither did I)

Kakashi vs Zabuza (That’s when I realized that the series was getting real serious)

8. Jiraiya

Jiraiya was my next favourite to Kakashi during my Part 1 days. His open perversion and his entire dynamics with Naruto was one of the best things during the Chunin Exams arc. Taught Naruto about Chakra Control and about the way of a shinobi by just enduring. Naruto follows this even today.

Best Moments: 

Kuchiyose No Jutsu training (Man, I never expected him to push Naruto off the cliff)

Rasengan Training (One of the best arcs in part 1 and it was soo satisfying to see Naruto punching his first Rasengan on Kabuto, He also acted like a quasi parent to Naruto... heartwarming)

Jiraiya Vs Six paths of Pain ( 6 vs 1 was always doomed but still he had the guts of a shinobi and plunged ahead)

7. Uchiha Madara

Geez. What is there to not like him?? 

Everything he did was absolutely wrong ever since he broke up with Hashirama in a romantic way much similar to how couples break up in my country.

I am an Uchiha. You are a Senju. I wish it had been different.

This roughly translates to how 75% of lovers break up and marry someone else from their own clan in my state. (Duh!!!)

I am from XXX clan, you are from XXX clan. So we can’t love each other and my parents won’t accept this relationship. So let’s break up.

Alright, my first shipping couple in this series is HashiMada for this exact reason. (I started shipping SNS only after episode 478). 

Just like Hashirama, Madara had an extensive build up right from episode 1 where Kurama compares Sasuke with Madara. And flashbacks from Itachi and Tobi spiked my curiosity and I wanted to see his face so badly ever since.

But the moment he landed gracefully like a diva in episode 321.... Woaahhhh!!!! He literally danced in the battlefield and ate up 100′s of guys with just a fucking Sharingan. 

Best Moments:

Going Shirtless before 1000′s of people with Hashirama’s face, no less (Well, I literally went heart-eyed for 5 minutes. Sorry Sasuke, your ancester was way much sexier than you in the Orochimaru hideout and beats you by a million points).

Screaming Hashirama’s name like a cockatoo for 300 times even till the very end (Sorry Naruto, your obsession towards Sasuke for about 6 arcs is pale in comparison to Madara’s obsession which was established in just 6 or 7 episodes.)

I have 25 clones now. Do you want me to put Susanoo or not? You can’t answer. The answer is yes. (Man, his I don’t give a fuck attitude is just an alien level thing)

Openly admitting Only Hashirama Can Beat Me (Say what you will about Sasuke, Madara has no qualms about accepting his inferiority in terms of power. An absolute Straight Forward diva-queen)

Awakening Sharingan for breaking up with his ‘friend’ rather than for his 3 dead brothers. (Geez, Poor Soul. He is the forefather of a Romantic Uchiha. That romantic blood still flows in Sasuke)

6. Senju Hashirama

Man, I would have placed him somewhere in top 5 if only he was introduced early or had more scenes. I started watching Naruto only because of this very name. There is a local podcaster in my state who goes under the alias of Senju Hashirama and in his podcasts, he hinted about this character and how he was inspired by his ideals. I just googled and saw that this character belonged to Naruto series and I considered watching it. Here I am, making analysis on that very series.

There was this excellent build up for him right when we got introduced to Captain Yamato. He was constantly referred in flashbacks from Itachi and Tobi especially.

But the moment he was reanimated again..... Geez..... It was an hilarious ride all throughout. Out of all the flashbacks we got from this series, Founders Era flashback was my absolute favourite.

From where I come from, we are still under the stupid influence of Clan infrastructure and are not growing up in many aspects like people in western countries do. For me, I hope, one day, someone like Senju Hashirama appears in our state and change our lives for better by uniting all clans as one and treats everyone equally without the shitty favouritism for their own children, friends, parents, siblings.

That’s why this dialogue struck a thunder in my heart

“Be they a friend.... Be they a sibling.... Be it even my own child. I will not forgive anyone who threatens the village.”

Because the clan leaders in our place are absolutely selfish, trash bastards who serves their own needs with no regards for other people from other clans. For a person like me, Hashirama is not just a fictional hero, he is someone who many aspires to become. No wonder that podcaster chose this name as his alias.

He rightfully deserved the title ‘God of Shinobi’. And no one can surpass him, not even Naruto.

Best Moments:

Wood Style vs Eternal Mangekyou sharingan + Kurama powered Madara (He just beats Madara’s ass by a wide margin. This shows he was a whole fucking different level than Naruto + Sasuke combined. In terms of strength, nobody surpassed him YET. Sorry Naruto and Sasuke, you guys are no match even now with your Rinnegan and Kurama lost forever).

His entire banters with Madara (ROFLLLL. Without him, it would have been just another lifeless arc.)

5. Senju Tobirama

Hmmm, let me tell you something about him.

First off, he is not a racist or fascist as many hardcore Sasuke fanatics claims. He is one of the best hokages according to me. He is abso-fucking-lutely practical, rational, logical and holds no grudge. And Sasuke resembles Tobirama with all these characteristics as compared to soft and naive Naruto. If only he had more screen time, he would be easily in my top 3. 

Just because he didn’t lick the boots of Uchiha (many people’s favorite clan or may I say the only clan that was given any shit about in this series), it doesn’t make him a racist or fascist.

No, he never persecuted the Uchihas. Danzo, the crass bastard, driven off the Uchihas only after the Kyuubi incident. It was explicitly mentioned in the databook and was clearly explained in the series. 

He literally gave the highest position in the village for the entire clan. That is, a military power inside a military village. ‘Shinobi who can cause crimes can only be stopped by shinobi who are even better’. In my state, if a powerful clan decided to persecute another clan, they simply start by cutting off basic amenities like Water and Electricity. Compared to what I’ve seen, Tobirama did nothing but given the Uchihas, the highest position in their village. 

Orochimaru only said giving such a power made them conceited (arrogant). Tobirama had a trusted subordinate called Kagami, an Uchiha in his team. He suggested Kabuto to help Sasuke and even teleported him on his request. He even spited Madara for killing Sasuke, an Uchiha. He openly claimed Uchiha clan exceeds Senju in terms of Love. He openly appreciated Itachi and Kagami as someone who sees beyond their clan. In what world, would a racist or fascist do all this for a clan he hates??? 

Yes, he was cautious of Sasuke at first because he saw him with Orochimaru and even went full-on battle mode because of Sasuke’s carefree threat to destroy the village. But once he decided to go to the battlefield to fight Madara, he simply forgot everything that happened before and started to work with him as a comrade, and even helped him twice. In which world, a racist or fascist behave this way?

Believe me, a person like me who was grown with these clan politics surely can say who is a fascist. He was not. He was just cautious of them because of their ability to attain superpowers with just emotions alone. Let me ask you all this, ‘Would you be okay with people getting crazy powers whenever they are depressed?’. Being cautious is not racism. It really disrespects people who faced real oppression under fascism.

What Madara and Danzo did was a classical example of fascism. 

And No, Izuna didn’t die only because of Tobirama. He died because Madara was too arrogant to instigate war with Senju clan. And this was way before forming Konoha. If Tobirama killed Izuna after the alliance between Uchiha and Senju, I would agree that he was a racist. Izuna lost his life just like any other Uchiha and Senju soldiers in that battlefield. 

Just because he shitted your beloved ‘Sasuke-Kun’ doesn’t mean he is a racist too. Tobirama saw Sasuke along with that scoundrel Orochimaru who once used this very two hokages to destroy the very village they strived hard to create and protect. What will you do, if you were in his place?? Please don’t lie and say ‘I wouldn’t be judgemental’. 

And Imagine you are Tobirama, Sasuke is threatening to commit genocide against the entire village who had no idea about this coup detat instead of going against those old hags. Will you sit quiet as a Hokage?? 

He was the first person to suggest his brother, Itama, that Revenge against Uchihas are futile. All we need is an agreement to make truce. That gave the idea for Hashirama to pursue his dream. And Tobirama was happy to follow that dream and very supportive. 

It’s because of all these reasons I placed him above Senju Hashirama.

Best Moments:

Amazing power display against Sasuke & Co with just an index finger (It was a pleasure to see everyone’s face trembling with mild sweat including Sasuke).

Acted as a decoy to save his young subordinates. (The way he sacrificed his life saying young wills of fire must be protected is just Woow!! I wish his subordinates listened to his words and passed the mantle to the younger ones rather than playing game at such an old age and screwed up many lives. Pfft!!!)

Any time he says ‘Shut Up’ to Hashirama (ROFL)

His absolute ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude to Naruto, Sasuke, Hashirama, Minato and Madara (He trolled them all mercilessly and I love it)

4. Senju Tsunade

It hurts me to say that Tsunade is the only female character in my list because every other female characters were written in a much more piss poorly way. Only Konan came close to Tsunade but her role was very short. 

Despite her character’s purpose revolved around another male character (Dan) and a blatant objectification of her breasts, I liked everything about her other than those mentioned above. 

She is the Second Best Hokage who took Konoha right after the destruction made by Orochimaru, excellently handled the aftermath by making friendly relations with Suna (Sand village), provided her best medical support to Konoha in the Pain Arc and successfully handled the fourth Shinobi world war. 

She is such a badass who developed her own original jutsu called Byakugou no Jutsu, which can heal herself. 

She is just way too amazing and it’s a pity that we got very less scenes in Shippuden.

Best Moments:

Took 25+ stabs from Madara’s Susanoo like a piece of cake (Man, I simply couldn’t describe that scene. All the other Kages were shocked and even Madara too)

Lifted her advisors like a cabbage sack (Those fucking old hags deserved it. Those shits should’ve died)

Her index finger flick assault on Naruto (Aww, Naruto was definitely bratty in his first meeting and Tsunade didn’t hold back at all)

Played Orochimaru like a basketball (In that same arc, she fought Orochimaru mercilessly like a devil left and right. Someone who claimed to have surpassed Tsunade never even dared to fight Orochimaru’s student and crying for his attention after just receiving one stab from Madara. Just saying)

3. Uzumaki Naruto

Naruto is the titular character and your emotions evolve along with him. He surely deserves a spot in Top 3. The only reason I didn’t place Naruto even more higher is because he didn’t experience something very important which many characters in this list faced. That is, Losing a loved one before his eyes. Every villain in this series became what they are because they lost someone important before their eyes like Nagato, Obito. (Nope, I don’t count Neji as his loved one). I think this tests the mettle of any character and Naruto failed to experience this. The only person he ever lost was Jiraiya and that too from off-screen. That’s why I felt his journey to his dreams seemed little easier compared to the rest of the characters.

His best block of episodes will always be the part 1 Episode 1, 2, 3. Episode 1 is the character defining episode for Naruto and what he learned there will be applied everywhere till the very end of the series. He learned 3 things

Forgiveness, Empathy and Acceptance

Talk-No-Jutsu

Kage Bunshin no Jutsu

From then on, this boy wins many friends to his side, not only from Konoha but from other villages too and even made them to acknowledge his strength only through his sheer hard work. 

However, there is this person, whose acknowledgement he wants the most.  That person is his most important bond along with Iruka Sensei. He is none other than Sasuke. One day, Sasuke left him alone for some unavoidable reason at the end of part 1 which left a huge scar in him and he vows to bring him back to the place where he belongs. That becomes his ultimate goal rather than becoming an Hokage.

The way he goes to any extent to protect the people he cares about is just simply entertaining to watch.

Every time he makes an heroic entry to save the day was never boring, not once. 

Best Moments:

Sobbing from his heart after hearing Iruka Sensei acknowledging him (It just makes me feel heavy for no reason. The anime team did an awesome job to capture his emotions convincingly)

Awakening Kyuubi Mode for the first time after seeing Sasuke die in his arms (Man, out of all the collective hatred he got from the villagers, this moment affected him a lot speaks volumes)

Punching Neji from the underground to win the Chunin exams (God, I honestly believed Naruto lost but he just surprised us heavily from nowhere. And that failure speech was just pure bliss to watch even today)

Pain Vs Naruto (One of the best arc for Naruto. Because unlike other arcs, where Naruto fought with a team, this arc he was all alone fighting a person with Rinnegan. Be it the exuberant landing from the frogs with a dramatic kabuki music, creating multi-step attacks, coming up with novel solution in that difficult situation, finally ending the conflict without killing the enemy, becoming an hero. Superb journey. The only thing I didn’t like in that arc is some shitty selfish proposal. PUKE!!)

Bearing the burdens of his most important person and die along with him (This boy always shouts he will never die until he becomes an Hokage. But for Sasuke, he was ready to die along with him in order to not leave him alone proves how much he loves him. This shows his emotional maturity rather than shouting at Sasuke like he always did before which never reached his ears. This time it did)

Final Good Bye to Minato (Honestly, I was bawling just like Naruto in that scene no matter how many times I watch it. It started out slow but as he speaks more and more, he simply couldn’t hold back and wept a sea of tears 😭😭😭)

2. Uchiha Sasuke

One of the well written characters in this series, with all the flaws and positive stuffs which makes him more of an Anti-Hero. He always subverts my preformed opinions and never ceased to surprise me.

Despite being aloof and cold, his warmer side will always be exposed towards Naruto. This is evident by many things he had done for Naruto which he don’t have to or no reason to. Starting right from roasting Sakura, offering lunch, asking for tips, enquiring about breakfast, protecting him many times and dying for Naruto. 

Why I placed him above Naruto is because of his unavoidable decision to tread in a complicated dark path primarily due to the trauma he carried and was stirred up again by collective factors such as Orochimaru’s cursed seal, Itachi’s arrival and Naruto’s growth. Compared to Sasuke, Naruto had an easier path because he never saw anyone die before his eyes and hence he don’t carry any trauma which can divert his path.

Even after watching his entire clan and family members murdered before his eyes at an age 8, he managed to pull himself and never snapped out like many other good characters does. But the moment when he found out that Itachi was good all along, he simply couldn’t tolerate the truth and gave himself to Vengeance. Because, he loved his brother more than he hated him all these years. This shows he loved his brother more than his parents. His resolve to destroy Konoha was perfectly understandable. But is it good? Nope. He can kill Danzo and those old hags but killing other people was never justifiable.

But still, his resolve to have his vengeance was diverted by Naruto and weakened by Itachi, at some point. So, he decided to know the truth and when he heard it, he understood the Hokages also sacrificed many precious things to protect this village just like his Brother Itachi. He understood the mistakes of his clan and decided to protect the village which he swore to destroy. [Many Sasuke fanatics think that he succumbed to the Government and Kishi wrote Sasuke to bootlick them. Their idea was to tackle genocide with another genocide. What a stupid idea!!!!]

And No, I don’t consider him trying to kill Sakura, Karin and Kakashi as his bad moments (though I feel bad for Karin). For the simple reason being, he became a monster by losing himself in the darkness who lost the rationality to differentiate friends from foes. Much similar to how Naruto lost himself to Kyuubi’s hatred against Orochimaru and in Pain Arc. It’s so hypocritical to ignore Naruto and accuse Sasuke here. Plus, Sakura had no business to be there otherwise Sasuke would not have tried to kill her. 

But does it mean Sasuke did nothing wrong???

Nope.

He definitely shouldn’t have joined Akatsuki and hunted Killer Bee like an animal. Because, he knew that Tobi was the one who helped Itachi massacre the clan. When fighting Itachi he specifically vowed to kill Madara (Tobi). On top of that, Itachi passed on Amaterasu in his eyes specifically to stay away from Tobi. Why did he ally with him? Plus, Sasuke was one of the few characters who was exposed to the name ‘Akatsuki’ in part 1 itself. He clearly knew that this organization targets Naruto, his closest bond. Why did he join there? This is where the stupid part of Sasuke came out. I was grunting... ‘Oii Where did that clever Sasuke, who faced 1000 soldiers without killing any of them, went??’. 

And his plan for Revolution???? I thought it would be reasonable. But his vision was eerily similar to Danzo’s vision. Grrr..... Danzo also wanted to create his ideal village by destroying the current Hokage. He wanted to unite the Five Village and put himself on top of everyone as evident from the Kage Summit arc. 

I appreciate him that he finally adopted the Will of Fire, by wanting to protect the village at all costs just like Itachi and Hashirama did. But his methods are not very democratic. Plus, he wanted to do it alone. I was screaming at him... ‘Grrr, Sasuke, did you listen to Itachi at all???. He failed because he did everything alone. Why can’t you understand????’ This is also another instance, Sasuke’s stupidity glanced out.

I am happy Naruto knocked some sense into him by telling him not to do it alone but together.

Many fanatics also ask, ‘What did Sasuke do wrong to atone for his sins at the end?’.

I was like ‘Reallly????’

He joined Akatsuki, an organization which terrorized all the 5 villages and he hunted someone like an international criminal.

He spoiled the Kage Summit and attacked Raikage who lost his arm because of him. I know what happened over there is not Sasuke’s fault. But these are the kages who was loved by many people in their own villages. How can the world forget it and simply let him go?

It’s exactly because of all those lovely stuffs he did in Part 1 and all these mistakes he did in Part 2 but willing to correct his mistakes by sharing the burdens of his other half in the end made him more interesting, complicated and exciting and that’s why I love this character.

I also have a personal bias to love this character sooo much because of the character on top of my list.

Best Moments:

Defending Naruto before Sakura (Awww!!! Such a good boy he was. Eventhough I thought he was a typical arrogant K-Drama hero, he just subverted my opinion in that one scene. I always have a thing for people who stands up for someone even though they don’t have to. This is where I started to like Sasuke)

My body moved on its own. (Is there anything that trumps this scene in terms of emotions and love in this series?. This moment is where I understood the depth of Sasuke’s emotions towards Naruto).

What is a Clan? What is a Village? What is a Shinobi? (I was really hoping for Sasuke to question himself something similar to this. Because he was so self-absorbed in his hatred and failed to look outside him ever since he left the village. It was so gratifying that he did that)

Killing Orochimaru (I always thought Sasuke will kill him only after he tries to take over the body. Never imagined that he will strike the snake first)

Killing Danzo (Man, what an amazing battle!!!. It was so gratifying to see such a crass bastard die many times over and over).

His dramatic confession through his monologue (After the mystery of Who is this Tobi, Sasuke’s obsession towards Naruto remained a mystery for me. Why did he listen to Naruto under the bridge? Why did he protected Naruto in the War? I got the answer only after this confession. It was so heartwarming to see this mellow side of Sasuke)

1. Uchiha Itachi

I could write pages about him. The foremost reason I like Itachi and earns the top spot in my rankings is because he shockingly resembled me in many ways. As I already said, I come from a place where clan politics plays a major role and when I see Sasuke’s flashback in part 1, I was simply dumbstruck by such a detailed similarities.

Elder child of the family - ✅

Have an adorable younger sister who loves me more than my parents - ✅

Same age gap (5 years) with my sister as Itachi and Sasuke - ✅

Parents paying total attention on me while ignoring my sister completely - ✅

Parents constantly comparing my achievements with my sister - ✅

A sister who bear hugged me every time I entered the home after returning from my school - ✅

Despite my mom being a teacher, my sister always prefers me to teach her stuffs as she considers me to be way too better than my mom -  ✅

Love my sister more than my parents - ✅

Clan-Obsessed parents - ✅

Used me as a tool for the benefit of the clan - ✅

Sending another person from my clan to spy on me - ✅

Strained relationship with my parents - ✅

Disgusted with my clan - ✅

Most importantly, this dialogue from part 1 episode 129,

Clan? Clan?

Obsessed with the organization, Obsessed with the clan, Obsessed with the name, that’s merely the detestable action that restrict yourself.

I have given up all hope in this worthless clan

Because, people obsess themselves to their clan, a thing so petty, they lose sight of the things that are truly important.

A real change cannot occur under restraints and controls

I confronted my parents with the exact same dialogue (almost 98% similar) in my own native language some years ago. 

I didn’t even know the existence of Naruto series at that time. I was simply shell-shocked by all these similarities with this character. 

And Yes, The moment I heard these dialogues, I knew Itachi, was a good guy, who had a very strong reason for his actions and I instantly knew Sasuke’s revenge will not bear him any happiness. 

It is exactly because of all these striking similarities of myself with Itachi, and my lil’l sister with Sasuke, my family dynamics with the Uchiha family.... I could understand the magnitude of Sasuke’s love towards Itachi. 

And precisely because of that, I could understand Sasuke’s love towards Naruto is not fucking ‘brotherly’ one but something that leans towards Attraction. 

No wonder, Itachi left Sasuke in Naruto’s care. 

Anyways to speak objectively, 

Itachi is an extremely self-sacrificial person whose life is full of pain and miseries but never blames it on the world unlike other Uchiha members like Madara, Obito and Sasuke to an extent.

He did things considering the bigger picture which never benefitted himself in anyway and was willing to go to any extent even at the expense of his own family and his brother’s happiness. That is, Uchiha Clan Massacre and Joining Akatsuki. None of this benefitted him in anyways but he did it anyway, for the village of Konoha. 

His ideals are shockingly similar to Hashirama, Which Sasuke pointed this out and Hashirama acknowledged that Itachi was a better shinobi than he was. ❤️❤️❤️

Now, does this means I support Uchiha clan massacre?

No way. Even Itachi didn’t.

This massacre happened because of the huge clusterfuck from Hiruzen’s incompetence, Danzo’s paranoid arrogance, Uchiha clan’s devious plan to over throw the government by force rather than approaching it in a peaceful way, say, a peace talk or a protest. 

All these people acted on their own self-interest. Itachi and Shisui caught in their whirlpool, bear their burdens and paid for it with their life. Sasuke suffered for it.

But, it’s not the only reason I love this character. It’s because, the moment he decided to massacre everyone, he marked his own death by the hands of his beloved brother. I love people who owns up their mistakes and face the consequences rather than making excuses (even though it’s not entirely his mistake).

Itachi is also the only character in this series who realized his failures on his own without anyone’s interference or Naruto’s Talk-No-Jutsu. 

And he apologized for everything he did to Sasuke.

Again, some hardcore Sasuke fanatics criticize/hate him for torturing their poor ‘Sasuke-Kun’ with his Tsukuyomi. I was like ‘Hmmm...What?’. 

First off, Itachi apologized to Sasuke for not thinking out from his point of view and also for not telling him the truth earlier.

Second off, Sasuke never even blamed Itachi for anything (even he didn’t hold him for killing their parents). If Sasuke himself, forgiven Itachi... Why are his fans being so rabid?

Third off, for all of his supposed ‘crimes’, he paid for it by dying as a disgraceful Madman rather than a Hero who really saved the village. He is someone who should be celebrated like Naruto but instead died proudly as a Traitor of Konoha.

All in all, One of the wonderfully written character I have ever seen in the media. 

Best Moments:

Itachi vs Sasuke (That battle was a pure brilliance and highly emotional especially after knowing the truth. When Sasuke released his Kirin, Itachi showed off his ultimate armour Susanoo like a badass. Seeing Susanoo for the first time gave me chills. No, Sasuke didn’t kill him. Itachi died on his own)

Itachi vs Orochimaru (Man, Itachi may look mellow but when it comes to Orochimaru he is a pure Sass. He screwed that snake up both the times by a wide margin. It seems Uchiha brothers like to fuck up Orochimaru, LOL)

Talk-No-Jutsu’ing Naruto (Geez, Naruto was being completely bratty and was full of saviour complex like he was going to bear everyone’s hatred by himself. I was almost annoyed. Thanks to Itachi, he realised. Probably he is the only character to shut Naruto using his own jutsu)

Izanami’ing Kabuto (Other than Naruto, he is the only character to go out of his way to empathize with a villain and put extreme effort to change him. I think this is why Sasuke loves Naruto, for seeing these similarities??? ).

Goodbye to Sasuke (The first time when he said ‘Forgive me, Sasuke. This is the last’ by poking his forehead and finally closing the distance by butting with Sasuke’s head softly saying ‘I will love you always’.... It always evokes uncontrollable tears in me, no matter how many times I watch it 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭)

HONOURABLE MENTION

Uchiha Obito

God, Am such a sucker for Uchiha guys individually, though collectively as a clan they fucked up big time. I simply couldn’t find the place for him in the top 10. He is a classic example of What Naruto will be like if he becomes a villain?

However, all those horrible stuffs he did just for a girl whom he had a crush on which was never reciprocated seems childish. That’s why I couldn’t put him in Top 10.

And his understandable but weird obsession on Naruto was always enjoyable to watch. 

One cute thing I liked about him was, whatever criminal stuffs he may have done, he was never a cheapskate though. He had every chance to take back Kakashi’s Sharingan to activate his own Susanoo. But he never even thought of such an idea. He was a bad guy. But a good friend, no matter what. 

Pure Baby!!! But lost his way!!!

Best Moments:

Importance of Team Work (’In the ninja world, Those who break the rules are  scum. But those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum’. This very legacy he left to Kakashi came to defeat him later. And Naruto follows this motto even today)

Sacrificing his Sharingan (’I am giving you my Sharingan. No matter what the villagers say, you are a great Jonin. Please take it’. Awww!!! Obito. He left his Sharingan which helped Kakashi to complete a jutsu called ‘Chidori’, which is a go-to jutsu of Sasuke)

Thanks for the ask, anon. I thoroughly enjoyed writing this. ❤️

[engie-ivy]

Receiving a love confession from Sirius Black is probably the dream of almost every student at Hogwarts. Remus just whishes Sirius would move on, but you should be careful what you wish for...

Don't worry, it's a short, fluffy Wolfstar get-together. Lily knows about Remus’ Furry Little Problem in this.

How do you feel about Sirius Black?

“I swear to Merlin, if Gina Simmons looks at me like that one more time, I’m gonna give her something to be mad about,” Lily grumbles, her eyes flaming with anger.

Gina Simmons, who had been glaring in their direction, quickly turns her head as Remus looks over his shoulder. She whispers something to Beth Walker and Davey Martens, who both glare at Lily and Remus as well.

Remus sighs. “Is it always like this?”

Lily’s expression softens. “It gets less,” she says. “But there’s this persistent group that just can’t get over it. This morning, I heard Rosemary Rowle call me ‘an entitled bitch who thinks she’s too good for James Potter’. Rosemary Rowle! The girl who can’t finish a sentence without mentioning her ‘daddy, who has such an important job at the Ministry’ calling me entitled!” The angry expression is back and she clenches her quill so hard Remus worries she’s gonna break the thing.

Remus frowns. “I overheard Randall Thorne ask Jules Flemming whether he reckoned I thought I could do better, and during Potions Kirsten Pembroke threw a vial of Armadillo bile over me!”

Lily winces. “I’m sorry. I should’ve warned you to stay away from Kirsten Pembroke if she has throwable substances within reach.”

“I just don’t understand what their problem is,” Remus mutters.

Lily smiles ruefully. “You’re now officially part of the club of people who have committed the atrocious crime of rejecting the school’s most popular and beloved students, Potter and Black. With you joining, our member count is now a total of two.”

“But that’s the thing! I rejected him,” Remus says. “Nothing’s changed. They can go on writing Mrs or Mr Black on their notebooks for all I care.”

“Oh Remus,” Lily sighs wistfully. “To be so naive. I’ve rejected Potter about fifteen times now, and they still won’t forgive me for him apparently choosing me over them. Of course, in my case it doesn’t help that Potter still refers to himself as the future Mr Evans,” Lily adds with a grimace.

“It just doesn’t make sense,” Remus says, shaking his head. “They should be thankful I don’t return his feelings!”

“Well, first of all, you saying no to Black doesn’t chance the fact that he’s head over heels in love with you. Not immediately, at least. So he’s still just as unavailable to them. And more importantly, in their eyes you were given the greatest gift that can be bestowed upon a man or woman: a full-blown love confession by Sirius Black.” Lily rolls her eyes while speaking. “And the fact that you didn’t even appreciate it, just makes it worse.”

“I never asked for-”

“I know, Remus, I know. I’m just explaining how they see it. You and I are the horrible people who had the audacity to break their heartthrobs Potter and Black’s hearts.”

Remus groans. “I whish Sirius would see how ridiculous it is for him to be in love with someone like me.”

“Remus,” Lily says in a dangerous tone.

Remus ignores her. “I whish he’d just move on. I whish he’d date someone else, so they’ll have no reason to pester me anymore!”

Remus is writing his essay. Frantically. Or rather, furiously. Pressing hard on his quill while scribbling in angry, fast strokes, a pile of broken quills already forming next to his parchment.

“Did that essay murder your family?” Lily asks, as she sits down in front of Remus. “I honestly thought you’d be in a good mood.”

Remus looks up at her, a sulky expression on his face. “So you’ve heard?”

“Heard?” Lily asks. “I’ve orchestrated the whole thing!”

Remus gives her a confused look, so Lily elaborates.

“After our last conversation, I went up to Black and I just told him ‘oi, the whole school knows about your unrequited love for Remus, and some twats are giving him a really hard time about it, so if you could just take someone on a date to Hogsmeade this Saturday so they’ll stop pestering Remus, that’ll be great’. And he agreed!”

Remus just blinks at her.

Lily frowns. “That’s what you wanted, right?”

“Yes!” Remus says a little too quickly. “I just... don’t get why he’d ask Alyssa MacMillan. She’s rather dull, don’t you think?”

Lily shrugs. “She’s nice enough, but more importantly, she thinks Black is fit and would love to go out with him, but she’s got no real feelings for him and isn’t looking for a relationship, so she won’t mind just drawing people’s attention away from you, or draw his attention away from you, for that matter.”

“Right,” Remus says. “Guess I just didn’t think she’s his type, is all.”

“Who knows,” Lily smiles mischievously. “It could become some kind of Fake Dating, Friends to Lovers scenario, and they might fall in love for real! Then your problem is solved for good.”

Remus looks at her like she just told him puppies have gone extinct.

“Merlin, Remus. What is it? Is this some kind of ‘I don’t want him, but I don’t want anybody else to have him either’ thing? Because that’s really shitty!”

“No,” Remus says defensively. “No, that’s not it. I just think Sirius can do better than Alyssa MacMillan, but if that’s what he likes, than good for him.”

“Oh, for Godric’s sake, you’re jealous!”

“No, I’m not! Or at least, I don’t think I am. Am I?”

Lily folds her arms over her chest and stares at Remus intently. “Remus Lupin, do you have feelings for Sirius Black?”

“I... I don’t know,” Remus looks quite miserable. “I mean, I’ve never thought about it.”

“Never thought about it?” Lily exclaims. “How do you mean, never thought about it? Do you remember that evening when Black took you out on a moonlit walk by the Great Lake, and poured his heart out to you, saying how he’s been crazy in love with you since the beginning of fifth year, and asked if you wanted to go on a date with him, to which you answered no? That would’ve been the moment to think about it!”

“It’s just...” Remus anxiously runs a hand through his hair. “With my condition, romantic relationships simply are not an option. I always saw romance as one part of being a teenager I didn’t have to concern myself with. I guess I just started to automatically ignore all thoughts and feelings related to romantic relationships. When Sirius made that confession, I was shocked, and the only thing I could think was ‘no, he can’t, he shouldn’t. I don’t do romance. I have to put an end to this immediately’. I never considered my own feelings. I mean, why would I?”

“Well, that’s a load of crap,” Lily scolds.

Remus opens his mouth to protest, but Lily cuts off whatever he was going to say.

“Not that you thought all of that, I believe you did, but that you can’t have romantic relationships with your condition is nonsense.”

“It’s never been done,” Remus argues.

“If no one ever did anything that’s never been done, we’d still be living in caves,” Lily firmly replies.

Remus fiddles with the hem of his sweater. “You really think it’s possible?”

“I don’t think it’s possible, I know it’s possible. So now we have established that, how do you feel about Sirius Black?”

“I’ve never thought-”

“Well, think about it now!”

“I don’t know,” Remus says, staring at the table. “Of course I think he’s attractive, but that doesn’t mean anything except that I have eyes. I mean, who doesn’t think he’s attractive? With that hair and those eyes... And I have even more reason, sharing a dorm with him. I see him when he comes out of the shower wearing just a towel, sweet mother of Merlin...”

Lily waits patiently for Remus to finish daydreaming.

Remus shakes himself out of his daze. “And of course I like him as a person. I wouldn’t have been friends with him all these years if I didn’t like him as a person. And what’s not to like? He’s clever, funny and brave, but he also has this really sweet side, you know? A side he doesn’t show much, and I guess it makes me feel special that he does show it around me. He always makes me feel special. It’s kind of weird, actually. He makes me feel special, but at the same time he makes me feel like I can just be myself, and that’s enough. I feel comfortable around him, and I suppose I do prefer his company above anyone else’s. Even on those moments when I normally don’t want to see anyone, he’s the only one I prefer being with over being alone. And when he’s not around I often find myself thinking about him. Now that I think about, I think about him almost all the time...”

Remus trails of and looks at Lily with wide eyes. Lily just nods.

“Oh Merlin,” Remus groans, hiding his face in his hands.

“Remus, Remus, Remus,” Lily sighs. “You’re so lucky to have me as a friend. Here’s what you’re going to do...”

“Padfoot?”

Sirius whirls around, and grins at Remus. Remus can tell he’s trying to act like everything’s normal between them, but he can also tell that his grin is somewhat forced and there’s a hint of pain in his eyes.

“Wotcher, Moony.”

“I wanted to talk to you,” Remus says.

The grin fades from Sirius’ face, and he runs a hand through his hair. “Ah, yeah, Evans told me about those people that’ve been bothering you. I’m really sorry, Moony. If I had known...”

“It’s not your fault,” Remus says.

“I know you feel uncomfortable about my feelings for you.” There’s a sadness in Sirius’ voice. “I won’t mention it again. I never meant to make you uncomfortable. If I could change it, I would, but being in love with you has become such a big part of me, and it’s not something I can just stop. Turns out, you’re a very hard person to not be in love with.”

“I don’t want you to not be in love with me!” Remus says.

Sirius frowns. “You like having me hopelessly pine after you that much?” He looks slightly hurt.

“No,” Remus says quickly. “No, I just think I might have been... too hasty in rejecting you?”

“Moony,” Sirius sighs. “You have every right to reject me. You don’t have to try and force yourself into feeling something you don’t, just because you pity me, or some stupid twats think they can judge you.”

“I rejected you because I didn’t think you should be with...” Remus gestures vaguely at himself. “Well, with someone like me. It only occurred to me recently, very recently, that I never even considered whether I have feelings for you.”

“And do you...”

“I do.”

“Oh.”

“Oh indeed.”

Sirius lets out a nervous chuckle. “So do you want to-”

“No!”

Sirius blinks in confusion. Remus quickly tries to clarify.

“I mean, no, you already asked me last time, this time I want to ask you.”

Sirius mutters something under his breath about a bloody emotional roller-coaster. Remus continues.

“I already talked to Alyssa MacMillan, and she told me to ‘go get my man’, so since you’re now free this Saturday, would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me, as in a date?”

Sirius’ face lights up in a smile so beautiful it makes Remus a little dizzy. “I’d absolutely love to!”