#also every time he talks abt nature and science im like. fuck nature and science all my cohort hates nature and science

[borrelia]

ohhhhh loving bobbybroccoli videos bc like. this is my field. when he says a bunch of scientists didnt feel comfortable making accusations of fraud when it was readily apparent, I Understand. when he says grad students were pressured into donating eggs for experiments and were not comfortable reporting their supervisor for this, I Understand

[lamestteenagegirlever]

some stranger things headcanons(mostly ending up being ramblings bc im autistic)! feel sososo free to share yours with me or ask if i have any for a specific character! and shoutout to my bestie griffin for helping me come up with some of these

•max leaves like the most random shit in mikes locker. like he’ll open it and find like an origami armadillo or a piece of macaroni covered in glitter or like a singular fuzzy christmas sock. he has no idea its her(everyone else knows). he shows up to lunch every day with the item and gets more and more terrified every day.

•eddie has nicknames for all of the kids bc he loves them and hes alive and happy. he calls max ginger snap or little orphan annie or something along those lines and she acts pissed off but she loves it. he calls lucas number 8 bc even if he doesnt like basketball, he supports his kids in anything they do. dustin is just henderson ofc or the occasional like curly sue or smthn of that nature. he obvi calls erica lady applejack or miss america. he calls mike training wheel(nancy is steering wheel and holly is tricycle) or michael in the most ominous way possible. he calls will lil buddy or “sir william the wise, my lord” while doing the most dramatic curtsy ever, no in between. he calls el stupid shit like elton john or eleanor roosevelt and if hes greeting her he just asks her what number hes thinking of. i just love him and want him to be happy.

•el and mike are lesbian and gay solidarity argue with the wall. they were the first to find out about the other’s crush on max/will and they both encourage each other to go for it. el especially bc she hears how much will talks about mike. mike tries to get info from max but shes just like oh my god leave me alone(lovingly, ofc) with the reddest face ever and mike is like 🤔.

•max sees erica like a little sister and vice versa.

•will, robin, max, and eddie tell eachother all about their relationships/crushes and it ends in a nightmare every time. will told them about something really stupid mike said and eddie brought it up, laughing, at hellfire and mike was like “oh my god i fucked up so badly that will told eddie” and eddie tries to come up with another explanation like will wasnt the only other person there. “nonono, it wasnt will that told me! it was… nancy! she was… in the… bushes! for uhm……. newspaper stories???” and mike just thinks about it for the rest of the day

•idc abt canon they all go to lucas’s games and theyre huge dorks about it. they make signs and everything and then have a party at steves house regardless of whether they won or he even got to play. steve also helps lucas practice sometimes and is always like “go easy on me im old.”

•steve and robin worked a good few jobs in the months between the mall getting destroyed and the family video. they were there for maybe a week before one of them got fired(steve) and the other quit in protest bc theyre besties and share one braincell.

•lucas is a history kid, dustin and el are math kids, mike and max are english kids, and will is a science and art kid.

•steve hates his house because its always so lonely and he tells robin this like once in passing and she just shows up randomly with a duffel bag with her pjs and stuff. she probably has a key at this point so like he’ll get back from the shower or smthn and she’ll just be sitting on his bed watching tv like she lives there(she pretty much does), not that he minds obvi. he loves hanging out with her

•will and el are practically inseparable. they tell each other absolutely everything and have “sleepovers” once a week. when will realized that el doesnt know her birthday, he decided that they were gonna share his because everyone already jokingly calls them the wonder twins anyway. i literally just adore them and want more content with them.

•dustin and max will argue over the absolute dumbest stuff EVER. absolutely anything and everything. like max threatened to kill him over whether els shoes were mustard yellow or yellow-orange.

•mike acts like he hates steves guts when he finds out he likes eddie. like he’ll regularly be like “wow, you date my sister and now you’re going after my mentor.” and steve is just like “yeah, and ill go after your mom next. pipe down.”

•nancy and argyle vibe like no other and not a single person understands how. jonathan jokes that he cant believe his best friend would leave him for his ex and they all think its really funny.

•robin and steve cant spell restaurant or communicate or fairly simple words like that. they pass a singular braincell back and forth wand it probably belongs to nancy.

•steve taught all of the kids other than max how to drive. eddie taught max while steve had to like hold robins hand because of how nervous he was.

•dustin has zero rhythm(affectionate).

•el sat hopper down and asked him about his intentions with joyce like an overprotective dad when they got back from russia and always messes with him about the three inches rule.

•will gets along really well with nancy and holly. sometimes he’ll show up at the wheeler house and mikes pleasantly surprised to see him, thinking will there to see his bf but hes actually there for a tea party that holly invited him to or for his scheduled gossip session with nancy and probably steve, max, and el.

•el is an avid abba stan. she and will regularly end up having dance parties in her room when she plays it. argyle always joins in if hes over and jonathan does too, but not before he gets a couple of pictures bc he loves them a lot.

•eddie and robin smoke together on the occasion(they cried one time bc robin turned off the lights on accident and they were convinced they both went blind).

if you read this far i literally love you oh my god

[brandnewhuman]

hey!! can i get a matchup? :-) (preferably not chromeskull or asa emory, i haven't watched their stuff fully yet-)

im 5'6" with dyed red hair fading into black! i have a wolfcut haircut, and my hair is naturally curly and fluffy (3a hair.) im latina, from colombia and i love talking about my culture. i have an olive skin tone.

astrology wise im a cancer sun, virgo moon and sagittarius rising. i actually study witchcraft as im a pagan witch, so im really into giving my friends and stuff spell jars, crystals, etc. im also kinda like a scavenger, when i find random things like a nice rock or sum i will give it as a little gift.

im a big horror movie fan, as i grew up on the horror genre. i also love superheroes and villains stuff so i naturally have a love for both marvel and dc equally. im very talkative about my interests and i love explaining lore and stuff abt them lol.

some shows i like are old black and white shows like the andy griffin show or the munsters, but i also like stuff like stranger things and the haunting of bly manor.

as for horror movies i lean towards slasher movies and psychological horror.

im not squeamish at all, gore doesn't bother me much and id be happy to clean up someone's wounds or clean blood/etc. im actually kinda into health science and medical things, so ik a bit or two about the human body.

im an artist,, traditional and digital. i love drawing other people i know or fanart. i also like creating stories and explaining to ppl about them. im kinda getting into photography, or at least i am in recent times. i like interior decorating and buying stuff to fill up my room especially, but my whole house also. i love collecting figurines like funkopops, and i like filling my walls up with posters and paintings/prints. i also like video games.

personality wise, id say im a pretty laid-back person, i don't judge. you can literally tell me abt the gross TMI stuff you've experienced. im quite talkative if someone will allow me to tell them about stuff but if they want some silence at times, I'm okay with that too :-) i can be pretty goofy but i know when to be serious.

i love the mountains alot and forests and whatnot. although it's nice to take walks outside in said forests sometimes (and i love picnics), im mostly a homebody and i like spending most of my time inside.

some randoms things are that i like cooking and trying out new recipes. i really like tea and have a cabinet of tea packets and sets. i have 2 pet rats, but i also really want a cat (one that'll accept the rats ofc.) my favorite animal is a hyena. i like people watching and also watching other people draw or make/fix something. im queer. i love plushies and collecting little things. i have a 90s grunge style, but sometimes i also go retro.

I paired you up with...

♡Jason Voorhees♡

First of all I'm Colombian too! (Well,half because dad is Italian but STILL HIII) 

I- OKAY I'LL SAY IT, I PICKED JASON BECAUSE YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY AND HONESTLY IT WOULD BE GREAT FOR OUR ZOMBIE BOY HAVING SOMEONE WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE AROUND. 

I think Jason would be super curious about anything you can tell him about Colombian culture. The only time he got out of crystal lake was to go to Manhattan (which wasn't even a pleasant trip for him) so learning about new places he hasn't seen is always fun. 

Everytime my grandma goes to colombia to visit relatives there she show us all the new parks and natural places there you can visit and THEY ARE SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. JASON WOULD LOVE TO LIVE IN A PLACE SO COLOURFUL SO FULL OF GREEN ZONES LIKE COLOMBIA. 

He would also love the fact that there are so many resources to keep the environment clean and preserve not only the animals but overall nature too. (I've seen all the things they have to motive people to recycle and not littering, all the volunteers groups to clean cities and plant new things, every thing they have to teach the youth to more about nature and how to keep it safe ecc. And the all the establishments to protect endangered animal species ecc? Loving it)

HE'S LIKE A PLANT MOM SO HE WOULD ADORE ALL THE AMAZING FLOWERS YOU CAN FIND THERE.

Please make him some traditional dishes like empanadas, buñuelos, bandeja paisa, arepas etc. He would literally go crazy with all that tasty food. Even if doesn't really need to eat since yeah he's a zombie he would love to try some new things. The last time someone cooked a warm meal for him was when his mom was still alive, from there he had to eat the most atrocious things cause 1 he doesn't really like eating alone 2 he doesn't have the motivation to cook because it's hard for him to take care of himself and 3 he overall just doesn't have time for that 

He would be so clueless about the whole witchcraft thing but as soon as you explain it to him he would actually like to spend time watching what you do ecc and he will treasure every crystal you give him. Not only because they're pretty (yes Jason likes pretty things), not only because it's something from you either but because you told him the purpose of it too. Everytime he needs to go slash some campers he would put in his pocket a crystal for protection or if he feels particularly stressed he would use the one that helps with that. Maybe you could make him a bracelet with those crystals so he can carry them more easily 👀 

To resume, any gift from you and anything you do for him is always going to be the best thing ever in Jason's eyes. He will repay by doing the same and bringing you any flower, rock ecc that he thinks it's pretty. 

You absolutely have to do a marvel marathon with Jason, he needs to catch up with all these things ASAP. He would try to watch everything you like and learn about it so you can have someone to talk with about it. He would eventually become a fan himself and would absolutely love to talk about your favourite characters ecc 

Those old shows are like a comfort thing for him cause they remind him of his mom, so having someone to watch them with again is going to make him so happy

Please, help this man when he gets hurt. Even if he doesn't feel anything it must be so dehumanising the whole zombie situation. You patching him up and helping him would make him feel like a real person again and it would warm up his dead heart :(. Like he feels like such a monster and you treating him as if he was still alive is really therapeutic 

Every piece of art you make is hanging on the walls, no questions about it. And if you do draw him? He would actually burst into tears of joy. Babe imagine how many juicy candid photos of him you could take 👀👹 of him strolling through the woods ecc

Please take charge of decorating this man cabin cause its bland AS FUCK. he would take it as you finally feeling at home with him there so don't worry about the possibility of that bothering Jason. He would actually enjoy helping you assemble the furniture or helping moving stuff ecc

Please talk with him about anything you want to, he would never get bored of it and he'll be actually listening to every single word. He will remember everything you told him

Have you seen where this mountain of a man lives? You would have not only all the nature you want but a really prepared guide who can show you and tell you everything you want to know about the woods and its fauna. Even better that you liked to spend time at home cause that would take so much stress off Jason, he doesn't want you to get hurt or anything. 

AS I STATED ON MY JASON'S HC HE LOVES TEA, THE FRUITY TYPE AND THE VANILLA ONE SO BE READY TO HAVE TEA TIMES WITH HIM WHILE WATCHING MOVIES

You like watching people doing things, uh? Good cause here you have a hard working, tall and handsome babe with a PHAT ASS who likes to fix and do things around the house. 

This matchup made me think about this song:

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog - 2012 annual

iirc the annual takes place between 7 and 8, or something. whatever, im gonna go for it

shifts in art style always throw me off phewwww

i cant remember what theyre doing but i find it really funny that first aid is there squaring the fuck up to punch shit

ah yes of course how could i forget the time they shrunk down to fight tiny robots in ultra magnus’s head. a comic classic 

poor magnus lmao

HBJSDKFBSHJFDHJSD HIS TERRIFYING SMILE HAUNTS MY NIGHTMARES. LOVE IT

love the continuation of magnus’s law-vision

the fact that everyone is dunking on magnus for smiling ONCE hvbhjdksbfjks

rewind and chromedome ough

i feel like cyclonus spends 90% of his early mtmte screentime staring broodingly out of windows lmao 

tg so precious

lmaooo i love the flashes of rodimus saying ‘til all are one’ All The Time

rodimus just wants to be like his dad ok

rodimus telling drift to go meditate or something vbhjfdbhdsjkf

i love rodimus calling magnus out on referring to himself in the third person lmaoooo but also I'm like Oh I See That [eyes emoji]

wish i had emojis on the computer sigh

lmao so the circle of light is a bunch of pacifists With Big Ass Swords

them betting on how long it'll take rodimus to say ‘til all are one’ vbkjsdhbfjhkhsdf

damn so ambulon rlly did switch sides late in the game 

cyclonus is here!! being an emotionally closed-off fool as usual 

nooo rodimus let tailgate speak

cant believe rodimus graffiti’d tailgate

drift, immediately: rodimus is FUCKING POSSSESSED 

ratchet: ok, no, 

godddd everything abt the galactic counsel here is so funny. ‘its big - its grey - its taxpayer funded’ hvbkjshdbfjkdf and the fact that their ship is called ‘the benign intervention’ lmaooo

also DAMN that is a BIG ASS SHIP 

‘a fleshling in a stupid hat’ i love rodimus and his irrational hatred of hats

magnus comin in CLUTCH with the dry-ass clauses shit 

rewind vhjbdskfbaksdfn ‘the sub-section 7 defense - sneaky’ ily

tailgate hvbhjadkfbjskdf its ok that you don't know what's going on

also tailgate serves a vital role in the story as the audience insert character (or w/e its called), bc he’s often confused which allows for handy exposition that we the audience also need lmao 

i find it so interesting to see how the cybertronians are viewed by the rest of the galaxy - we don't see a lot of aliens but its always fascinating when we do, because of COURSE they’re mostly gonna think of the cybertronians as destructive and war-like when that’s what they’ve been up to for 4 million years 

ooof swerve :( swerve is one of those characters who you’re like ‘haha he’s funny’ most of the time but pretty often he’ll have startling moments of like, deep pain about life or w/e, and you’re like Oh Shit and then you kinda move on, until finally the swearth arc hits and it all comes together. what I'm saying is that this is some nice building towards that 

HGDSBJFKJSJBDF THERE IT IS THERE IT ISSSSSSSSSS

THE PANEL WHERE REWIND IN ALT MODE CAN FLY FOR SOME REASONNNNNN

i fucking love that shot so much. does everyone see this. rewind is a GIANT FUCKIN FLASHDRIVE and he’s hovering ominously thru the air. like, what happened to all the biz from issue 1 or w/e where his husband was roasting him for having a non-mobile altmode? if he can fucking HOVER than Actually rewind is the fucking coolest, no contest 

or like, is the implication that they all teleported there (having switched to alt mode along the way i guess?) and rewind is just like, suspended in midair? bc that's what the speed bubble text implies, but it also totally looks like they're just travelling across the area and rewind can levitate

anyways. that panel has always cracked me up lmaoooo

rodimus calling the council ‘fascists’ hvbhduifbjsdjfajskf sir i love you 

GODDD and there's the joke payoff from a few issues ago - rewind, facing front, hearing drift transform behind him and not only being able to tell its drift without looking, but also being able to tell that drift is upset, JUST like chromedome said he could....fucking PEAK i love that type of payoff humor

ooof and more swerve introspection. i mentioned earlier but i fucking LOVE how this series showcases the extremely wide range of reactions/coping mechanisms that everyone has towards the endless war finally being over - and swerve really nails it here: confusing peace with happiness, and assuming that everything would automatically be better after the war is over, when in reality you still have to work just as hard to build shit rather than break it

also i adore the horror of a guy who is half-embedded in the wall, his face stuck in a rictus of terror & death, waxing philosophical about how peace is about the freedom of choice, and how they should all just feel lucky to have survived...oof, that's very specifically ironic coming from you, dude 

but i do love the little characterization we get here for ore, a character who is literally already dead and has so far been used as a plot device pretty exclusively, but we still get to know little things about him here, and how HE feels about the war and the current peace, etcetc. it really makes the story and characters seem believable, like every character has a story even if we don't take the time to see it 

love cyclonus posing coolly 

kinda love how clear it is that drifts whole hippy schtick is just a front to cover his anger, and a tool to make him seem like an approachable, upstanding autobot

drift dramatically monologuing while pointing his sword at the sky is extra funny with everyone else just staring at him doing this

cyclonus why are you grabbing at the edge of the hole you're falling into, you can LITERALLY FLY, 

magnus finally getting some appreciation for being The most law abiding guy like, ever 

genuinely forgot abt the whole metrotitan plot that happens here 

GOD when rodimus is like BRAIN QUEST TIME and then we smash cut to them at the brain ‘six minutes later’ vhbhkudfjbjksf i live for that shit 

also that would be even funnier animated which further proves that we need an mtmte/ll animated series, please, somebody, 

HBDSJKFSHDJF REWIND IS SO FUCKING FUNNYYYYYY you cant even tell if he GENUINELY didn't think cyclonus could talk or if hes just being a dick but either way? comedy gold 

oh i adore the flashbacks being in a different artstyle, especially one that's so retro 

i love rewind being a history geek, and cyclonus passionately explaining cybertronian creation theory

HHHH i fucking LOVE the myth/lore stuff like....a lot of franchises tend not to dwell in this type of mythology, you tend to get The True Version Of Events, but this kind of explanation rocks bc it totally sounds like the kind of religious mythology that naturally develops based on a species’ progression

and drift and ratchet’s very opposing and polarizing views certainty do make for interesting perspectives, tho i feel like the story sometimes leans too much towards ratchet being ‘more correct’ bc, logic! or something idk i feel like i used to have a couple mild opinions on this but i don't remember

and its funny bc i am, irl, an atheistic medical professional who believes in science above all else - essentially just like ratchet. but i feel like the narrative portrayal skews a little more in his favor than i’d like, despite that 

skids just out here being a bummer, completely unprompted. cant even blame you tho dude 

hhhhhh chromedome talking abt rewind ;_; 

and when he says ‘maybe there’s someone out there who can save your life, too’ and cyclonus is there....hhhh

god i fucking LOVE drift and rodimus’s entire relationship. the layers...the LAYERS!!!

OH HEY ITS THOSE ROBOTS SKIDS FOUGHT 

ah, inconvenient laser time!

ok i fuckgin love how cybertronian’s brains look just like the planet cybertron. that's so fucking great 

of COURSE brainstorm brought his shrink ray 

truly i love the convo between ore and swerve, especially overlaid onto everyone fighting 

oof, the themes and plot threads of this annual are all so nicely tied up (which is something i love abt mtmte, especially early on when the story is smaller), with swerve now choosing to disobey an order from rodimus

oh yeah, the circle of light! that's who you've been looking for this whole time basically! 

and then the ending, hearing that magnus smiled (willingly!) :) i love it

rodimus’s profile says ‘finds it difficult to sit still’ bc rodimus is an adhd icon

lmao i feel like over half of my sentences in this recap - and in most of my recaps - contain ‘i love it’ or ‘i love how-’ or some variation upon that theme. I'm predictable 

anyways - the annual! i love this issue. its really long which is cool and i feel like it does a lot to flesh out the setting and lore, and even the characters as well. also, as i said above, it does an excellent job telling an exciting and well-contained story, with solid story beats throughout and plot threads that emerge and get resolved all within this issue, even while leaving plenty of stuff up for future resolution. that's the Early MTMTE Special, and i adore it. tho i will say I'm glad we’ll be getting back to the regularly scheduled art style, bc this one didn't really do it for me 

[kouhadyne]

me infodumping abt marvel!wren and her infinite wren-ness cranked up to 12

(SO jsyk wren lives in Midtown’s basement in an old computer lab. she’s about a year below Peter but in some advanced classes (namely science and history but thats it.) so she like...vaguely knows him but loves michelle (u cant convince me otherwise wren wouldnt be head over heels for her + probs started calling her mj) so that’s a thing.)

anyway, the kossor bullshittery happens like...either after dark world but before civil war. alt hot take, after iw (as in, everyone is fine, nobody is dead. iw was just a fight over the last hot pocket, avengers are back together.) the fog rolls in every night across NYC and it gets bad enough that there’s a curfew in effect (but people are dumb and go in anyway) so wren (being a dumb person) goes into the fog. she thinks shes gonna die but instead turns into a funky little alien. she thinks she’s a mutant (she isn’t.) and has the power to transform based off chemical responses (half right.) what does she do? she becomes a fucking superhero that’s what.

so she’s running around, trying to fight in like, the worlds shittiest costume but a cool mask (she made everything herself. her mask looks like this and her costume looks like this just without the mecha arms) and wren’s like ‘oh i wish i could control my magic instead of only using it when im scared.’ and woosh, loki comes along like ‘i can help but i need a favor’ and she’s like ‘ya what u need strange green deer’ so loki’s like ‘i’ll teach u how to hide me on earth bcs i got some stank dudes on me’ and shes like ‘aight cool lets make that happen, im THE DARK MAGE; HEROINE EXTRAORDINAIRE whats ur name’ and hes like ‘yeah im loki and we gotta work on that name.’

so they’re doing their thing, wren destroying anything and everything while he teaches her to control her magic so it doesn’t hurt her anymore. all the while she’s explaining her life to him like ‘i met u two weeks ago do u wanna hear my life story’ ‘no’ ‘too bad im an amnesiac orphan and i live in a basement its cool but im also a very cool mutant whos a hero. very neat and cool but people keep trying to kill me’. also i should mention people are trying to kill her left and right bcs word of a perfect-amalgamated hybrid is being spread and an organization of anti-hybrid assholes known as CICADA are like ‘hey kill her and we’ll give u money’. all the bad guys are like “ooh money” or “that nasty halfbreed is going down murder time.” (she does not know shes a hybrid. oblivious baby.) 

so loki knows because he isn’t wren: local dumbass. and hes like “is it true ur a descendant of banished asgardians” and wren’s like “im asgardian? neat.” but eventually kossor shows up like “im here to kill the runaway experiment real quick, thanks.” and they fight! but he eventually paralyzes her with a spell only to spill the beans on what she is. turns out, she’s a project called “Warbreaker” whose essentially a natural hybrid with the fused soul of a general and a child soldier smushed into her body. wren, understandably is pissed to shit but can’t really do anything bcs she’s being strangled as her creepy..uncle? father? whispers to her. anyways she’s left to die for 12 hours (he thinks the paralyzer will kill her. it didnt it just kinda...paralyzed her body.) and she has a meltdown because shes alone and faced with the truth about who she is. she believed she had a family somewhere waiting for her to come home, even if she didn’t have parents but now she’s just a disgusting half-breed with a price tag on her head and a target on her back who cant do anything except die.

loki finds her once the fog lifts with the dawn and hes patching her up and she just starts...crying. she explains what she is and hes like ‘oh welcome to the club i got lied to too’ and they have a Moment of Bonding-ness over their shitty families and heritage. but she kinda takes a step back and asks ‘what am i fighting for’ and at this point, she just wants kossor to stop. shes now furious and on a path of vengance and loki’s like “u go baby”. so wren makes a call-out post in the form of a literal war call and theyre gonna duke it out babey!!!

and now they fight bcs wren’s like ‘idfc what i am, what ur doin is wrong asshat’ and kossors like ‘u again, lol perish thot’ and then they fight (its cooler than i make it sound, im sorry.) but it takes 6 hours and both are like, at the fucking brink and wren jsut sucker punches the shit outta him with some magic (namely the illusions loki briefly taught her). so now kossor’s dying on the floor and wren’s dying standing up and he’s like “im sorry i didnt mean to start a war i just wanted my sister back.” and wren’s like “maybe don’t take bribes from extremists then” (i imagine their final conversation to be either deeply moving and influential to wren’s character or just. this vine) but now with his death comes more problems but now wren is stronger than before (using her soul of literal chaos as a fuel for her magic was a good idea) and ready to fight to defend people bcs why not (justice. thats why.)

but two months later shes back up from her hyperthermia induced coma and she’s like “Shit my homework fuck and also loki” (loki has Vanished in loki fashion, aka thor is on earth). cps finds her again and puts her back in a home bcs they thought she was just caught in the fog. but she’s being dark mage, running round the city fighting criminals/alien bad guys trying to kill her but sooner or later she gets a call from the avengers/nick fury and hes like “hey u wanna do an interview” and shes like “yeah its not like ive dreamed of this moment since my childhood as a small 15-year-old i mean I Am An Adult, I Pay Taxes, I Drink The Al Col Hall.” so, like any good person, she lies about her age to join the avengers after an interview with fury and hill (where she just tells how she beat up kossor but lies about her age and who loki is bcs she doesnt go back on her promise of hiding him) so theyre like ‘cool ur in welcome to the avengers dude’

so she’s living in the tower/compound and for Dramatic Purposes (learned from someone) she never takes off her mask and never really...talks. Only on missions when her Serious Wren shows up. but the kinda break her little shell and shes just so quirky u cant help but get charmed. it isn’t really until a mission where they fight CICADA that they find out who she is (they single her out and go after her until she’s near-death and her mask is broken to fuck). she eventually explains everything in the medbay and its like “great, here’s a child with big PTSD and anxiety who lied about her age to join the avengers so she can live somewhere better than a basement, now what” so they argue about it and wren quietly sneaks/runs away. but big worm, here comes a terrifying winter soldier who stalked her to her little hideout. so shes like “i know when im not wanted and ill just go back to being a vigilante’ and hes like ‘hey ur good, kid they arent gonna kick u out.” so they have a Talk of Mutual Bonding and he gets her to come back so they can talk it out. stuff gets argued about and wren’s like “why not just...don’t say anything to fury. im doing this outta my own free will so none of u will get in trouble. plus im also not a kid bcs technically im 4 years old.” ‘that is not helping, Kujisela’ ‘call me wren its my name’. long story short, they agree to let her stay as long as Dark Mage still fights. (im a big slut for family dynamics so Hey + i feel like the supersoldiers start calling her plum bcs of her Purple-ness and it catches on)

so ye thanks for reading my TED Talk; i love Wren Ataxia Kujisela with all of my heart (pls just...talk to me abt her)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

yeah for real when you’ve got a Scene in your head that would make more sense as a comic, you do get the whole advantages of using that format....like the dialogue of course & being able to show the changes between one panel & another to show movement & actions & things & time passage in general. and getting creative w panels is another tool you have to affect pacing and even tone, & unlike stuff like tv/movies, you get to change the shape & size of panels, which is useful imo for not only mood/pacing but also u can zoom in on exactly what u want viewers to look at. like having a lil panel just of some Detail like a hand or piece of paper or whatever. comix can jump around different shots without adding tension the way it might w film...idk i personally find it pretty fun to work with & it comes somewhat naturally to me to picture something as a comic in my head, though i’ll picture things like A Film just as much lol umm anyways yeah i think its great just to mess around w ideas in comic format & it can be rly good for making a scene with feeling, even in a short one... and i like to show emotion in movement and expressions and all, so that works out. like you can show a bunch of different facial expressions & show the slight changes & all....& show how ppl react to someone else in the space & move around each other.....its neat b/c imo emoting is generally a lot more in the subtleties of things. like you could show someone’s feelings exclusively through direct shots of their face but, realistically, ppls feelings are in things beyond their expression at any one point in time—its like, if the expression is subdued or exaggerated vs the essential content of the expression alone, their posture and how they move, what they look at, what they say, subtle shifts in their face or body as they react to something new—all these little sorts of behaviors ykno? not to downplay facial expression coz thats p much always key, and like i said its my fave...but when it comes to trying to portray stuff w emotional impact, i like to think of a lot of other details that imo can lend a lot of visual and emotional information alike....plus just the more stuff you’re drawing the more you’re giving a scene to work with... bgs and everything can set the mood & also just give context to a scene & even i’m getting better about like, making even simple bgs sometimes. anyways not like im an expert in anything at all related to anything but i have been Drawing W Feelings In Mind for a while i guess lol and yeah about characters who are usually carrying some form of tension (symbolic like displayed persona vs their actual internal, &/or more actually feeling tense like irritable and all lol) still having tension be relatable even when they’re happier or more relaxed, & thinking about that in a drawing—for me anyways i just think of that as part of trying to show their personality in every drawing. like i was saying w the example of when i nobly set out to give ppl another pic of kip fucking, even if he’s totally chill w the situation, it’s relevant to me when drawing it to think of the fact that he’s usually Not getting to be chill with Any situation, and have that affect how i portray the state of finally getting to purely enjoy himself in a major way. like i suppose thinking abt this just now, i always make a point of drawing him actually physically tensed in at least some small way, i think as part of imagining how the like usual constant presence of internal conflict plays into the reaction to its absence. like how it’s not an on/off switch where a person who has to live w that all the time has some version of themself that gets to Be Normal and suddenly not have to think abt how that feels. like even tho he’s presumably getting a break & a good distraction from that stuff, i think of how he wouldn’t suddenly have a new set of behaviors to access & isnt like, suddenly a completely different person, & how there could actually be a pressure in enjoying urself b/c of the knowledge of just how special that is & how much u should savor the moment. like, even in relief there’s a tension. sidenote especially if you think you might not get such a great experience again—feeling fantastic can have a painful edge in that case & can even be really heartbreaking if you don’t know when you’ll next get to feel that way again. anyways Back To Fucking lol like i said i think in that relief i’m drawing in a little bit of desperation in the knowledge that his moments of relief from feeling all hyperaware and self conscious and conflicted and what have you etc are rare, that i show by giving him a little edge of intensity in some way or another. me drawing kip as sexually desperate lmao owned... but truly that’s just a little piece of always trying to show a chars personality no matter the emotion or action or situation or whatever!! like back in the day i said something about how two people will show the same emotion differently in their facial expressions even if most ppl have the same “basic format” to it...the difference in how ppl emote & react to things shows their personality (so does other stuff obv but relevant to emotion specifically...) & so say if i draw the same expression for one character as i did another at one point, it would have a different meaning for each of them in the context of their differences in personality...one person’s smile has a different meaning from another person smiling the same way, and all. obv thats most relevant in characters who r dramatically contrasted in their outward behavior. like i talk about all this like its a science or i plot a whole chart before ever making a drawing but mostly i come up w some image or scene in my head that seems good to me & then sometimes barely even plan how to put it down. or other times i do think abt it a lot, but even then i’ll usually do last minute tweaks. it’s really mostly instinct imo, i don’t know if it’s true that i’m a bit overly tuned in to other ppls emotions & good at reading even really subtle shifts, that might be part of it, but even if it wasnt true, emotions are usually a p instinctive thing. but ppl can communicate the same feeling in totally different ways, including ways that AREN’T instinctive to you, so imo its also good to like, also treat it like something to consciously think about. and like also just yeah in media you already like that already seems emotionally impactful, its cool to pay attention to that & keep it in mind & try to imitate & stuff. and like i said about it not being a science, i talk abt putting emotion & a characters personality into everything, but its not like i think of anything i do as being overly complex & i expect anyone to look at any random drawing of mine & be able to fully reverse-engineer a characters entire personality from one pic lmao....i don’t pretend anything i make is some work of genius that contains Everything. but it at least contains something. & maybe if u had a few pix to compare, it wouldnt be hard to deduce personality from it. like, even when someone’s acting different from their usual personality, it’s still the same person, & how they usually are changes how their behavior reads. like for lars to be relaxed and casual around other ppl suggests a higher level of comfort & trust than average, specifically because of the fact that u know his usual behavior is to be more stressed & in one way or another defensive around others. also i like to try to draw personality in e v e r y t h i n g b/c all of this is propaganda of “my fave & if you don’t like it get out” lol......like each pic is its own lil love letter what with how if i didnt have a certain level of fondness for a character, then i couldnt be effed to draw them in the first place. so i want to be like, look at the way this character is, which is why i love & cherish them.....and like you said, with a basic ability to draw a recognizable form & an interest in making fanart with that ability, you’ve got everything you need to make the content you wish somebody else had already made for you to look at. and with choosing a lot of suffering characters to be fond of you have plenty of motivation to want to draw them having a nice time. or at least feel loved and appreciated or something. all that stuff hmm i can’t remember if i had anything else i meant to get at but yeah lol....Feelings

[aquacai]

compilation of bts/army tweets i retweeted but doesn’t actually appear on my profile (TWITTER WHY)

TEXT POSTS:

Namgi are actual prodigies, how did bang pd just casually pick em up like that

ARMYs give BTS amazing promo but it only works cause...

And just in case anyone doesn't know, we call K-army "diamonds" because...

namjoon: i made espresso!! jungkook: i wanna try it namjoon: u hate bitter coffee  

seokjin couldnt give less of a shit!!!!

Hoseok is Rock Lee

We have faves that are so willing to educate themselves...

I actually adore the final verses of The Last so much.

Hobi’s pseudo-triple entendres

why is this something i feel like rap line does in the studio

the funniest part of this run ep was when taehyung said...  

BTS teletubbies @ MBC Gayo 2017

every update this year

top three betrayals are bighit not releasing tony montana feat jimin...

When I first began to fully get into BTS, I had a pretty jaded view...

Dear BTS 2013, its ARMY 2018.

MY  DNA

*Yoongi's dating rumour*

this episode (run ep. 46) was so full of innuendos

fake trans on jin’s supposed feelings about the SIN separation

whoever is directing run should be reigned as the nation's hero...

What do you call a company that surpassed and outsold the big3?

bts are the definition of hyping ppl up for doing the bare minimum

an actual conversation that happened (run bts ep 46)

suran suga again and army

So I suddenly remember when Namjoon said these during Wings Tour The Final...

She was pushed by another members of staff  while doing namjoon’s makeup

I WAS IN THE SHOWER BLASTING BTS AND ONCE I GOT OUT...

to the female staff who consoled jimin and keeps saying “you didn't mess up”...  

they went from pardon to what was that

What happened at the first two episodes just made me respect Namjoon more.

on a serious note, it would be nice if when bts gets a special someone...

Next time during BTS concert, instead of screaming “encore encore”...

yall ever wanna think about how namjoon said that jimin needs lots of love and attention and thats probably why he shared a room with hoseok bc thats what exactly hoseok gives him

if I have any feeling towards BTS thats stronger than Love then it's RESPECT

the reason Jin was going on and on with his (R)evolution (E)volution (D)rop in the ocean thing might be because he was "hinting" at Youtube Red

one day, there will be a last...

namjoon came to post a selfie and left with a dating scandal

remember when hobi said “i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for bangtan”...

Namjoon admitting that he’s also “just a kid” ...

"The reason I make music is because, after all, I am also afraid of the world."

Yoongi's scalp is braver than any US marine

Sometimes we forget that Namjoon is also just trying to figure out the world.

PUMA fansign: thank you for making music that changes the world

Everyone has a musical preference & enjoy when their artists reflect that.

let me talk about taehyung and how amazing he is as a friend

i like when seokjin shares stuff about his childhood, we get to know his orijin

BTS is also  for redefining masculinity (hiphop is their way of life)

from humble beginnings to legends

burn the stage makes me realize that whenever rm post photos of nature ...

what exactly makes namjoon the sexiest for me ...

the reason seokjin’s chest and shoulders are so wide

Bighit: O! R YU DEAD, 2?

"What's your favourite song currently?"

the mask guy: u didnt bring anything to exchange so i cant help u

namjoons exchange [in the Fake Love Teaser 1] is so funny to me...  

here are some of my favourite joon interviews

"How did you join BTS?"

jin: i’ve been doing it for 4 years

I hate it when people say armys have two brain cells like bold of you to think we even have a brain (sarcasm lol)

i’m a new generation anpanman

When the Billboard news was released this morning... (wisha)

interviewer: so what are your goals?

sometimes i still think about how the fanchant of cypher pt4...

"Hoe calm down, my shoe lace is untied"

“itʼs ok, we all found bts when we needed them in our lives the most”

i’m so sorry but it’s fake love

i want to see the world from taehyung’s view

just for youuuu

i love that taehyung is never anything but proud when talking abt the fact that he’s gained weight

i bet taehyung gives the best hugs

Our bomb is like a permanent reminder...

remember when we were like omg hixtape‘s mv gonna have bomb ass choreography lmaooo

no but it's so cute bts call it family pictures and not group pictures??

there's an undeniable sexual energy between yoongi nd every trophy... 

bh staff: describe yourself in one word

jin: man, blowjobs sure are a mouthful (incorrect bts quotes)

THREADS:

I came across the Deloitte 2018 Media and Entertainment Industry Outlook

hoseok is one of the best dancers in the industry...

meaning behind whalien 52

KPOP101 LESSON 8: THE MINIMALIST ART OF THE KOREAN BALLAD

getting people flustered is hoseok culture - a thread

MY TOP 10 BTS SONGS (by KommonSense)

an explanation of rap lingo BTS use in their lyrics: a thread

I have some free time so like for an unpopular opinion. (hobybIo)

My Favorite Soft BTS Moments - A Thread! (odie)

Burn The Stage made me feel extremely vulnerable. (Aileen)

as Kings of Korean History [A thread] (KommonSense)

a thread of my favorite bts-related tumblr posts

Why and how the BTS rapline's experience with rap mirrors that of OG rappers

Everytime a BTS member was supportive of the LGBT community in any way

Namjoon (RM) Owning Up to His Mistakes

odie

Bangtan dancing styles thread

hoseok is one of the best dancers in the industry

Sky’s experience as a veteran ARMY

Jimin’s gliding technique (more threads on his dance technique)

analysis of how well DNA is structured as an EDM-pop song

I took a closer look into BTS’ intro Serendipity

Park Jimin is one of the most graceful and beautiful dancers in the industry

ok newbie kpop stans, welcome to history class (fandom shit)

An Introduction for the New, the Confused, and the Curious

BTS introduction thread

Science & literature are intrinsic to understanding how BTS and ARMY

how Singularity choreography coincides with lyrics

WHAT BTS ACTUALLY SAID - A MEGA THREAD

BTS song recommendations based on genres: a thread

rap line’s verses analysis

Mnet Comebackshow (LY:Tear) pre-recording review - THREAD -

"remember when" (BTS edition)

I'm watching a BTS music video and I don't know what the hell is going on, a thread:

LY: TEAR - MUSICAL ANALYSIS.

You know why I never will trust or listen to people who say "I left because of the fandom"

Type out what the bighit intro sounds like

Tyra Banks and her biological sons; a thread:

a thread about how BTS uses their music in their storytelling

for hot100, bts did what fans suggested

"Silly Little Trivia: Literal Choreography" thread for Fake Love

UNDERSTANDING BUniverse

BTS showing LGBT+ representation and support, a thread  (this, too)

BTS meets Western standards of “cool” established by 1960s music, particularly rock ethics

BTS’ success: human brand x fan relationship

to celebrate bts festa, here is a thread of army stan twt’s best moments

MEME PICS/VIDS:

Jimin in the Danger mv

save Cook-Jin

Hope as mom : can you even get in any college with these grades?

Namgi & their annoyingly jumpy kids

IM WHEEZING JIN DID IT AGAIN

Everything makes sense noW (spider bite, cooky bite)  

when they let you love them

When you need to wake em up

coming soon: Kim Seokjin only wanted a boyfriend

salt baes

EXPECTATION: "We aren't talking about BTS enough!

summary of run bts ep 46

i-armys and k-armys (suga’s ghost patting the clay)

Heaviest objects in the entire universe

"You will witness taehyung and jin fighting"

The battle of the year.

Hangsang with my thug

"Tangina mo," - J-Hope, 2018

choose your mineral water.

We all know... K-ARMYS & I-ARMYS

so who is giving them the candy?

I AM FUCKING DYING LAUGHING AT THEM IGNORING ALL THE KNOCKING IN THIS SCENARIO

I got bored and made ART

remember when namjoon asked for armys to edit him in because he missed the group picture with halsey

me listening to bts album skits

hoseok: hangsang with my thugs ||  his thugs:

we're finally getting the country comeback we deserve

fixed Jimin’s shots in LY:Tear

jungkook: made before i was born

this is what your food looks like inside the microwave

is this a theory?

is this an invitation?

He returned from the war

avatar Jimin

Yoongi and JK’s muffled convo

im just trying to take a nice screenshot....

ah yes, the four elements: fire, earth, water and snickers

Tyra Banks:  The BTS ARMY is devoted and crazy (in a good way!) xD

BTS [MV] - You Will Never Do a Live Alone

the nation's #1 producer & bts' hype man 

namjoon: you. me?

jungkook when he first met joon 

fierce lil meow meow

RM spinebreaker???

this looks like rap line were a group of friends who stuck together...

V was written all along in Jimin’s tweet lol

jwimin-ssi

Hangs out with Tyra Banks ONCE... 

learn the alphabet with BTS

TRANS:

When Bighit said they’ll donate 3% of LY album sales, u guys mocked us...

Kim Seokjin strange points

k-netz’ reaction on the Suga-Suran dating scandal

"Can bangtan fans please not get swayed by rumors?”

BTS trainer instagram re:B.T.S.

Music critic Kim, Youngdae nim’s MINI REVIEW on “Face Yourself”

Music critic Kim, Youngdae nim’s MINI REVIEW on “Euphoria”

bang pd and namjoon about his post supporting macklemore's song 'same love'

Konkuk uni student who became Seokjin's fan after speaking with him

I'm a multi-fan, I watch and listen to many idols, but I'm truly scared of BTS

an older woman(non-celebrity) admitted how much she loved BTS

So many warm teas in this article wrote by producer/musician Seiji Kameda

#LOVE_YOURSELF_轉_Tear Album HYYH Notes Translation Thread

180518 Love Yourself 轉 Tear - Thanks To Translations

“The lyrics in BTS’ album are so great  Huge congrats to receiving at BBMA ”

response to #1 Billboard 200

BTS 2018 Festa Member’s profiles

VIDS:

KBS Happy Together 3 - Spring Day sung in karaoke room

imagine being this close to sunshine

Ashes - Lim Jeong Hee ft. BTS (2011)

kook's carelessness brought out his sunshine laugh just like that

Remember when bts proved to armys that they are all really spiderman

that time the cameraman was filming bts and jungkook started telling him...  

i still get so soft over this the way jin hugged taehyung...

Seokjin killed it in this part in boy in luv

the sound of their footsteps is so satisfying omg

Remember when Jin and Ken met on a year end event rehearsal and they just...

Jungkook’s ‘yes’ and smile when Miri jumped through his arms...

seokjin and his interactions with camera men

Remember when Yoongi & Namjoon sang the high notes in Young Forever...

look at the difference between taekook and jinkook’s handshake lmao

this dance break has a special place in my heart :')

remember when Taehyung accidentally cut his real hair...

Nver forget that iris stevenson was the first one to believe in taehyung...

did yall notice that fdjghgd i’m shaking (run ep 46)

To remember the great SiN/YoonJin moment...

the wings era might be over but this snippet of each member’s solo songs...

Yes, Mom. This man right here. I love him. No more questions?

this is the best video of jin to ever exist

here’s jungkook having fun dancing to mama and lie

slush ft. jin

tell me why is it so funny that yoongi only opened 1/10 of his door n went back so fast

nothing but respect for my choreography leader

when jungkook opened the window well aware that it was raining

what makes you laugh? seokjin’s face

Bringing this back when taehyung was dancing nae nae...

SOMEBODY GIVE THIS BABY BLANKET AND BED...

i love this performance so fucking much!!!!

your ultimate mood booster (hobiiii)

HOLY SHIT MIN FUCKING YOONGI DID THAT

susko sobra ung bucket hats

THE WAY YOONGI AND HOSEOK SAY "RM" TOGETHER

remember when seokjin and hoseok were recognized by fans in america

jungkook imitated namjoon's finger heart and wink in a cute way

A compilation loop of Hoseok sneezing because it’s cute. Bless you!!

remember when jimin was hyping about their concert but hoseok

Hoseok left the group during Trainee days

heres 12 seconds of yoongi doing That Scream™ ...

this is what happens when you openly listen to bts without prejudice

when i say i want a rock song, i want THIS.

When Jungkook couldn’t pronounce Army bomb because of his Busan accent

U kno the thing joon does when he finds something?

reminding all of you that the special talent yoongi prepared is... imitating a doorbell

Here's a compilation of musicians getting shook by the sudden change to major in Jimin's 'Lie'

He actually blew a kiss how adorable

The fanboying level on this video is just

Hoseok doing background vocals/harmonising in Let Go (??)

...namjoon literally gets amused at the toy which blows a ball in the air...

NAMJOON DROPPED THE MIC HE WAS HOLDING AND JIN...

Lie rough instrumental

rough draft of Autumn Leaves, Young Forever, Wings (RM), Wings (JK)

Joon’s voice in the BBMA nomination teaser

Jin's reaction when I (sky) told him I brought him a present...

why BTS was nominated for BB TSA 2018

taehyung was fighting back his tears when they won TSA at 2017 BBMAs

Yoongi forgot his lines in Ma City and he just...

mannequin Tae

Bangtan ended ALL fashion weeks tonight !! (4th muster japan)

members cheering jimin up, wings tour macao

RM’s ending ment, Wings Tour the finale (Day 2?)

never forget bts' iconic reaction when they won their first daesang

When Jin was bowing, Jimin held him down and Jungkook immediately ran to sit in front of him.

jimin and seokjin debating whether dolphins could breathe underwater

look at tae's reaction when bang pd's voice broke

interviewer: what?

“DonT FiGht, Dont Fight!” :(((

RM: “we want to focus on our career”

Q: what's your favorite thing about yourself? yoongi: ᶤ ˡᶤᵏᵉ ᵖᵘᵖᵖʸ

WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT HOW JOON TRIED TO DO THE LIL DISNEY WAND THING WITH HIS FINGER IM HURTING

jungkook’s closeups

BTS with Ciara at the BBMAs 2018

don’t ever forget that seokjin is one hell of a snowboarder

“the reason why bts, who was not supported by big agencies, succeeded, is that they tried to read the world and to breathe [with the world] together”

this is what happens when u leave namjoon and jimin alone together

this video of seokjin being hype then instantly stops when his manager look at him will never be not funny

LMFAOOO WAIT TAEHYUNG AND NEYO WERE JAMMING TOGETHER

An exclusive interview with #BTS ! (MBC News)

i love this version of airplane pt. 2 so much (jk+jm part)  (jimin mode~) yt link full

john cena getting asked whats his favorite song off love yourself tear

The female staff who video tapes BTS bangtan bombs is amazing

WHAT THE FUCK JUNGKOOK LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE SEOKJIN...

Q: Please say something to international ARMYs

awake (short harp cover)

airplane pt. 2 dance cover

compilation of yoongi stuff in raps

wHY IS JUNGKOOK LIKE THIS

the way he said "what's your name?" and shouted "michelle!"

full vid of the two links above

#ISeoulU bts vid 2015

Tyra Bank’s music vid for Fake Love

vmin in sync is scary

fake love original choreo

jungkook said ‘mic drop!’ after he stepped on the wire and made the mic fall

tae acting in euphoria

puppy jungkook is still the most ᵘʷᵘ :(

hobi jk mirror dance with finger heart (mcountdown)

ONEW WAS THROWING CONFETTI AT TAE PLEASE THATS SO CUTE

Look how Jiminie gave the trophy to Yoongi cuz baby boy knows

tae: so show me  army: i’ll show you~  {music core)

minho and tae hugging (music core)

tae’s aegyo in board game run ep

look at taehyung acting all cute in the back

when seokjin goes like (•3•) its the cutest thing ever

wow jimin was that an accident

YOONGI REALLY IMITATED HIM IM SKFJDJ

What 시 (si; hour) is it?

SUGA: honestly, I rlly liked pro-wrestling

a fancam of taehyung spilling his water on his face

ARMY giving hobi a flower with his face on it (fansign) (180603)

BTS: *on their way to a very serious interview on one of Korea's biggest news channels*

yoonkok instant hug BV S1

sunud-sunod na aegyo in anpanman outfits

jungkook pulled off straps and threw down two straps then taejin picked them up

legends say this is the closest rep of how hoseok looks in real life

Kihyun really had the courage to throw confetti in yoongi's face tho

52 year-old man is a director of a company in Japan dancing DNA

I stan a king of fan service he's so adorable!

when taehyung was fake crying and jimin came & softly hugged him from behind

this or that game

jk imitating his hyungs (180607 fansign)

HOW UNSEE THIS IM LAUGHINF SO HARD shkhhh  (awake)

biggest mystery in kpop - who's collecting who in the background??? (taejin?)

SEOKJIN ENDED THE PERFORMANCE DOING A FINGER HEART... 180607

hopekook's modified mirror dance 180607 mcountdown

jk reacting to ariana grande bbmas 2018

Look a joonie :( look at him go :(

REMEMBER WHEN HOSEOK SAID HE WAS CLINGY WITH YOONGI (BV2)...

noona fan giving hobi and jimin “allowance”

namjoon drunk-tweeting?

carbonara

LOOK AT LIL MEOW MEOW GO (basketball)

look at jimin’s reaction when a noona gave him a finger heart

they had to throw the yellow cloth at the finish of the performance...

OTHER PICS:

tae being so accepting in star king ;w;

i may be not here since 2013, but im still lucky to witnessed yeontan's lil growth

remember when bangtan was running late for their show...

NAMJOON’S REPLY TO THE SELCA JIN POSTED OF HIM...

hobi and his hearts

ep 1& 2 of B.T.S. has at least cleared up 2 main issues in this fandom

RM has a little #WednesdayWisdom from Burn The Stage.

This photo is a complete mess.

yoongi’s kind of humor is my favorite

Their biggest dream isn’t to break records, its to stay together for a long time.

They recorded their interviews for the documentary when they did Gayo track 15

what jimin said here was really interesting and great

the most powerful twins

They decided not to blur these faces of people who's behind BTS’ success.  

BTS calls their staff with nicknames, noona or hyung...

it really went from edits to jungkook actually saying it

IM CRYING BIGHIT PAID FOR YOONGIS TUITON :((

LMFAO at none of them even touching the salad

tae’s uneven eyelids

when jin got allowance from his dad to buy steak...

LOOK AT YOONGI RUN SJDNDNDNDN

give me a better photo transition I'll wait #euphoria

love yourself 起 wonder (2018)

jin being peymous even pre-debut

THIS STILL GOTTA BE THE FUNNIEST THING JOON HAS EVER SAID

the most remarkable twins in history

a turkish tv show asked for ppl to send in pics w their siblings and someone sent in jin and jimin

taehyung’s a legend that listens to music on his laptop on the go

onigiri yoongi

MY MOTHER CAME INTO MY ROOM AND ASKED IF JIMIN IS MY BOYFRIEND

jung hoseok aka the king of mirror selcas

Tiny bestfriends vmin who have been inseparable since kindergarten AU

old bts pics I still can't believe exist: a thread

yoongi at namjoon's graduation (w/ hoseok)

I COMBINED TAEGI'S PICS TOGETHER AND OH MY GOD SJSB

"i put sticker on my carrier" yeah ryt

oh nothing just seokjin casually putting his LG G7 ThinQ at his jacket pocket

He show his flower uwu

taehyung accidentally becoming a meme on diplo's snapchat

Never forget Jungkook's Hongdae adventures

THANKS JIN for not killing jungkook

liam’s post of namjoon :D

that one time namjoon tweeted a picture of them with the caption of “we are all fools”

A 59-year-old friend of mine talking about Love Yourself:Tear

I was worried because I thought yoongi kept doing some kind of gang sign but--

This has to be the best reaction to a non-fan of BTS...

when you are sitting beside BTS but mcflurry ice cream is life

why is this exactly what all of their mixtapes sound like

dispatch - yoongi, fake love

taehyung’s chubby cheeks when he smiles

taehyung and his tea

OMFGGMFM LOOK AT Tyra Banks when boys went up for their award she’s a whole Mood I love her

BTS FESTA 2018 prediction

carry him again, jin

I KNEW THEY WERE GONNA CLOWN HIM

top10 mistranslations betrayal 

Yoongi doing ᵗʰᵃᵗ smile

wide open yoongi

brigada eskwela stairs album art

jin flower petals (fansign)

namjoon vs svt jihoon

yoongi continuing his lil meow meow agenda

These two cuties just melted my whole heart (tae and tanie)

So... are we gonna talk about how they drew one stickman thicker than the rest

Low key promoted BTS the past 3 weeks in our hospital...

The exact same cat, same plant & same island taken 1 year apart. (ARMYSelca)

yoongi bunched up(?)

[opulvnts-blog]

the war is over ??  the day is Finally here ?? ( vine kid vc ) sup fuCKERS ! . im sahar, 20, est n’ i suck major ass tbh and i have nothin’ interesting to say abt myself except that i’ve eaten chocolate chip cookies three times in one week and i hope i choke one day , and i love everything about sad movies .  !!! god now since this rp is open ill die for ur mfing characters, fuck me up with them plots . plz like this and come and plot w me ,   u won’t regrat plotting wit me cuz i’ll show u a good time boo boos . ps . i wrote this at 4 am so y’all better tell me smth nice about kennedy or im fucking done . ily all .. 

shes a vegan. wont tell anyone bc she vv reserved . like if u asked how are u she will say smth like ‘ fuck ouuta here fucking fuckboi ‘ and like whenever u get her very pissed off she will say fuck in every single sentence . like ‘ yo dude what the fuck ?? what in the actual fuck are u fucking kidding fucking piece of shit oh my fucking gof fuck bitch” she’s not a bitch or anything she just … toO MUCH ! she also thinks of herself as superior . at times, she can even come across as sickly sweet or just kind in general . SHES incredibly wise and have good judgement when it comes to the people in their lives or the situation at hand. they may not necessarily be too book smart but it’s definitely balanced out by the extent of their street smart/wise. if she’s got an opinion, you can guarantee she’s going to voice it to the highest of volumes. it doesn’t matter whether you’ve known her for 10 years or are complete strangers on the street, she won’t hesitate to share her opinion on the matter. especially if she disagrees with yours. she’s assertive, awfully blunt and arrogant. 

HERE ARE SOME VINES THAT I ASSOCIATE WITH KENNEDY :  HERE  . HERE. HERE ANDHERE  

OK NOW OFF TO HER BIO !

her dad was a very quiet man who was soft and kind and just a goof and she was… the opposite. they got along great when she was a kid but as soon as her teenage years came she just turned into a rebellious ball of shit tbh. her dad could not handle her, even tho he tried his best. he wasn’t the yelling type at all and he’d try to make her realize she was a handful thru calm words but KENNEDY was just yolo. she wasn’t good in school. absolutely sucked at math and any science. didn’t kno the difference between geometry and algebra until 8th grade, thought she was doing the same shit. basically every science is the same. but !! she was v good in english class. like, that was her only good subject besides PE bc she was sporty as fuck and got way too intense about it also she was lowkey a bully but only bullied boys because she felt a strong need to make them suffer and she has a lot of good memories about it  jhdjsdns

 JHGDFGHSYCTG like deadass would beat guys up and be like cOME ON MY GRANDMA COULD FUCKNG TAKE U !!! she would make them m i s e r a b l e things were always kind of tense between kennedy and her mom they never really got along ??? her mom rlly resent kennedy for who she is  even though kennedy really mfing tries to be a good person for her mom to accept who she is as a person.

things got a little better  when kennedy was 6 and her little brother mikkel was born. except………things only got worse a few years later?? there was an accident where mikkel got hit by a car when kennedy was walking him home from school.obviously the entire family was grief-stricken. they just lost their 6 year old son. it was awful. kennedy’s mom blamed herself, kennedy blamed herself and her dad blamed kennedy too. they moved around a lot after their son, kennedy’s brother died,, to different states but never out of the us and it was like none of them could rly talk about it with each other either. her parents started to fight a lot and they each had different ways of dealing with their grief. her mom went out on some crisis and had a string of affairs , while her dad turned to alcohol and abuse to deal with his grief.

her dad left her mom, after the incident. her mom got rlly fucked up like she will go to parties and act like she was 18. kennedy  lived with her mother who appeared to be involved in a few crimes . kennedy appeared to be more responsible than her mother at this point lmao . they got into a car accident under the influence of them celebrating her mother’s birthday. kennedy wasn’t the one driving, but she switched seats with her mother so she wouldn’t get in any more trouble which led to kennedy going to jail for a but bc she was underage .

the cops were like well shes has no one speical so lets leave her with her dad . her dad rlly couldn’t take care of kennedy because well .. he was a mess. he was always pass out on the couch with beer stains on his shirt and a pizza box on the floor.  mia was basically an accident/surprise to her father. he had no desire whatsoever to have kids after her brother’s incident.

 sometimes kennedy would come to school with bruises on her face. she remembers the snatches of convos between girls warning each other to steer clear of the leach, and wonder what they would say if she told them that everytime her father gets drunk she’s not sure being her father’s daughter will grant her immunity. She knew people could tell with one glance, one look, one simple instant. It was her eyes. Despite the thick makeup, they were still dark-rimmed., haunted, and sad. Most of all though, they were familiar. The fact that we were in front of hundreds of strangers changed nothing at all. She spent a summer with those same eyes-scared, lost, confused-staring back at herself. Anyone she was close with would have known them anywhere. she couldn’t sleep at night knowing that her parents will abuse her for anything that she will do. she spent countless of nights staying up, making sure that she wouldn’t have any slip ups in the morning when she woke up

 she spent the rest of her senior year shut off from the world as she grieved not only her brother, but the girl she used to be. she’d always been expected to go on to university & do something that would make a hell of a lot of money, but as her classmates got busy filling out their college applications, she holed up in the school’s auto-shop, learning how to work on cars.a few months after graduation, her grandfather passed ( of natural causes, thank god ) & she received a hefty inheritance. her classmates and teachers, lmao,  watched in horror as their precious gem of a daughter shelled out thousands of dollars to purchase her own garage, with plans to become a mechanic. she's not rich,  but she does have her own money . gives her a opportunity to say ‘at least i got here all by myself and not with mommy’s or daddy’s money’ heh…. 

kennedy  is somewhat emotionally stunted. her remaining friends from high school have all gone their separate ways & she hardly speaks to any of them. she’s dabbled in a romantic relationship here or there, but most of them have ended badly. basically? she’s a disaster. 

[estuarries]

baby’s first liveshow commentary

hello lads i have decided to attempt doing @nihilist-toothpaste​ inspired video commentary/write up/review thingies!!!! welcome to ramble-y fun time

phil’s liveshow on august 10, 2017

his smile in the first minute makes my heart so happy i love him so much

i love the eye-tongue-eye emoji stop being mean to it

he’s a bit late bc he just finished filming a new ap vid!!! it took him longer than he thought it would to finish filming bc he was rambling. this is a #relatable brain thing

“i just said goodbye and now i’m saying hello again!” wrt filing and then doing a liveshow makes me rly happy bc i wouldn’t have thought abt it that way. i love phil’s brain

new vid clues: paper bag(?) and bubble wrap. amazingphil asmr part ii??

dan’s not joining the liveshow bc he has a headache but phil’s gonna hop into dan’s next one

closed eyes and happy gesticulation whilst telling sleepy-morning “unexpected window cleaning man frightened me” story

phil’s fight/flight/freeze response is freeze

“imagine if i had decided to make breakfast naked! ...if i was that kind of person…” its okay m8 we know u like to make nakey bro brunches w danyul

are the emoji pants the only pair of graphic pj pants he has now ??? why are they being featured so prominently lately ???? phil IS an emoji is the only phnnie conspiracy i can support now

in the ap vid phil did SCIENCE and REACTED TO THINGS (chemistry . reaction . hehe :3)

he’s out of tv shows to watch ….he and dan have watched so many series together over the years ..... i am emotional

phil hasnt watched in a heartbeat EITHER !! BLASPHEMOUS BOYES!!!

re: rick and morty. i strongly agree and it makes me so nervous that rick burps all the time i cannot focus on whats happening in the show bc rick gives me so much anxiety

he misses the cherry blossom tree in thehowlter’s front yard and they are hopefully going to put it in when they have money

“you’re all like dan! not everything has to be symmetrical!” thank u for these affirmations that not everything has to be perfect thank u for being chill. a chill phil. 

“i dont mind a little bit of wonkiness!” “i’m at a bit of a wonk!” “is the entire house wonky?” the only real phil branding is ~WOnKy~

phils hands are so beautiful???? i love them?????? @ 8:50ish

him trying to figure out his best side and saying “one? or two?” as options like at the optometrist when ur getting ur eyes checked. 

someone in the chat: “both!” phil’s cheeky grin/”don’t flatter me!!!” response

someone in the chat: “side three!” i snort laughed along w phil this is truly Good Content. dark!phil RISE

phil doesn’t think he really has a bad side and his easy neutrality wrt his physical appearance is dreamy. i love him and i love that he’s comfy w himself like this

phil had an eye infection and this is the first day he’s been without glasses…… why does he glasses-bait us like this …..

it’s really hard for him to concentrate with dilated pupils so that’s why he was being a wee bit wonky in the last liveshow

his eye is no longer infected and is “white and ready to see!”. the tone of his voice, his accent, and the phrasingof that reminded me so much of my british grandma who i havent seen in a few years and now i want to call her i miss her

wicked was “as the kids say...Wicked.” I SNORTED AKLHFAEIHKF

also i cannot believe that he and dan used the same silly phrasewhen talking about their opinions of wicked. is it still #copyrightinfringement if its your bf blatantly enterprising ur intellectual property?

phil was feeling a bit meh going into wicked but now he’s converted and a fan

he loved defying gravity :(

phil: every audience is important! me: crying

phil loves coming-of-age/college/highschool aus … Me Too

phil remix: the top fans to the tune of mad world “all around me are familiar faces...lillyphanstuff, joteleena…”

he’s had “mad world” and also that fuckin. ditty song stuck in his head

“...is one thicc bih - NO!” is the best thing ive ever heard

im so sad that phil hasnt experienced the joys of ditty. apparently he doesn’t have it downloaded and doesn’t really know what it is

14:07 is my new ringtone (he sang the ditty tune in “doot doot doot”s)

“bandicussy” IM DEAD

phil thought it was a good family activity to see dunkirk but it made his parents very emotional bc his maternal grandad was in the war

making your entire family cry is apparently the phil way to entertain

neither he nor dan understood the timelines of dunkirk upon first watch

after filming his ap vid he sanitized using vanilla cupcake hand sanitizer

he watches zoe’s bath and bodyworks candle/lotion hauls??????? ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

apparently b&bw has some ~priiiicey~ candles. phil is the coupon clipping, consumer reports reading dad

he said that livestreaming games on dapg would be “dope”. i am reminded for the millionth time that he is a 30 year old white man. i am moderately uncomfortable.

jk it was someone in the chat who said it he was just reading the comment

“hi to the ‘phan’s moving boxes’ group chat”

facterino according to the nature man on tv: in england nature has decided that it’s autumn already. this is evidenced by blackberries coming out in august. because fall isstartingso early they’re expected to have a harsh winter but its fine bc he is excited for snow!

some climate change discourse

he’s not a big doctor who fan but his fav doctor is david tennant

he’s excited for the “lady doctor” and i’m uh. not a huge fan of that wording

23:02 pre-sneeze noises and hand motions are Delightful

apparently it’s southern england peeps who pronounce scone with a hard o (scOHne) and northerners pronounce it with a soft o (scAWn). phillu doesn’t know which pronunciation he uses

my mom grew up in cornwall (and moved to america when she was a teen. i’m american btw!) and pronounces it the northern way. we’ve had the scohne vs scawn debate!! lots of #britishfamilythings in this liveshow

philly homework motivation song @ 24:52

his first response to ppl being sad about school starting in a week is to calculate how many seconds are in a week so they can re-frame their time left in a way that feels more plentiful. i love this ???

i also really love how he tries to read premium messages from different people every time. idk that’s just really thoughtful and as a fan i really appreciate it

he knows that black makes him look good …. GOodBYe

today is world lion day!

phil is the one who puts the funny/random holidays on the dnp calendars. of course it was but im still so happily surprised  

doinganap’s sicth/sixth discourse

he’s reading people from the chat’s bdays and telling them what funny holidays are on their birthdays! i love how he finds different ways to get ppl in the chat involved every liveshow. i appreciate him so much !like yeah i know its a marketing thing but let me pretend its solely phil’s care for us

he wants to go back to japan

he can’t read or edit and listen to music at the same time! me neither

someone asked what a good pet would be and phil went on a lil tangent about how it’s important to have enough time to take care of the pet you choose!! dont get an exotic pet or a breed of non-exotict pet that requires a lot of time, money, or energy to care for it if you’re not at a point in your life where u can take care of it to the best of your ability! <3

hedgehogs are one of the most common animals in the uk??? what the heck?

he can’t remember whether or not he’s seen a hedgehog irl so he texts mum lester to ask <3 why is this the sweetest thing in the world . like seeing a hedgehog irl would be an experience that his family facilitated or even if he was moved out when it happened it would have been so exciting that he def would have told kath about it. so any way it happened she would know about it. my heart is Warm.

he’s not a huge summer candle burner but as soon as it’s september he’ll be on the pumpkin spice train

mum lester texted back and apparently his grandparents had a family of hedgehogs in their garage and his granddad built them a little hedgehog house to hibernate in :( wow!

phil might play shelter 2 … with dan. No Thank You. let us have some phil-only time plz 

shelter 2 is more of an autumnal game so he might do it later when he can cozy up with some cocoa and herd the badger babies

he feels a coffee buzz after five (5) chocolate-covered coffee beans. r u sure u even drink coffee phil????

rye bread is worse (in phil’s opinion) than regular bread and is ”claggy”. i busted out laughing and texted my mom IMMEDIATELY bca LOOOONG time ago we were at a family christmas party with my dad’s extended family and all of the Adults were playing scrabble. my mom ended up spelling claggy and everyone else was like THATS A MADE UP WORD WHAT THE FUCK!!!! and my mom was like ???? no its not? my dad’s family is from the eastern us and had never heard the word claggy before and i remember my dad giving my mom shit about it for YEARS afterward because she caused such an uproar. idk if it was a regional thing or if americans just don’t say claggy but REGARDLESS. my mom and i had a good laugh over this description of rye bread and we both love phil

he’s nervous abt what dalien is going to look like and become as he grows up. phil’s general reaction to dalien has been one of caution and nervousness and idk ?? someone more thoughtful analyze that please

his advice for making the most of the last bits of summer: do something you haven’t done before! immediately after bestowing upon us this Wise Advice he giggles and becomes self aware of his parental tone. Our Dad Is Becoming Self Aware

he doesnt swear around his parents?????? my mom says fuck all the time :0

2018 calendar and season two pastel plushies are in the works!

he’s singing another song to list the top fans. suggestions include toxic, the ditty tune, and the tetris theme. he goes with the ditty song and starts laughing in the middle of it so makes a seamless musical transition to toxic

if everything recorded properly with his new vid we should see it in the next few days!

he hopes that we have a lovely weekend and that whatever we end up doing brings us a bit of happiness :( i love him thank u phil

tiny little bonus song after he covers up the camera. schrodingers phil.

all in all i love phil’s liveshows and this has been the highlight of my day. thank u for reading!

[changji]

There’s a limit for when you’re in school but in summer I can do whatever I want bc it’s a Free Country 🤪 u miss are not allowed to get sick u hear me or else I will personally fly to cali & nurse you 😤 A STARBUCKS DRINK FOR $4.85 EYE- THAT’S SO GOOD WTFF I DON’T THINK I’VE PAID LESS THAN $5 FOR A DRINK THERE. You’re really out here like that

Ah I forgot to say how often I climb but I usually try for 3+ times a month bc the gym is pretty far away (by far i mean 2 different buses & an hour of crying). When I first started I was being taught how to tie a figure 8 knot (which is the most important one you need so you don’t die) and i couldn’t fucking get it right so the instructor had to go over it 193837 times & was getting annoyed @ me. LOL I couldn’t look him in the eye at all and my face had never been redder that day lmfao

At least ur teachers like you. I’m like that one student that never says anything and just sits there with an rbf so idk what my teachers think of me LOL. Half the time they don’t know I’m there. I got marked absent a couple times before but i was there in class 😤😤 ohh that’s cool. Band season runs the entire year for my school but that’s probably bc it’s a credit course. Newborn babies kinda are, it’s when they reach a couple months old they become cute

LOL how do you pronounce breakfast? I say salmon with the L & I get hated on by everyone. Taeyomi was great but changji is even better. Like changbin + jisung? Genius. Legends Only. Jkhsdiweiihfew I’m glad my url has an impact on ur daily life 🥵🥵 languages are so hard, I’m literally illiterate in every single one ik. Ikr? Our names are so easy like how do u mispronounce arella? One time  someone spelt my name as Adly and I wanted to Perish

The chance the skip 2 math levels? Once again ur a genius legend. I could never esp w math holy moly. Okay dark ones it is!! I was thinking either the 1st or 2nd ones? Which do u like more? Ah new friends. The first weeks are always so awkward bc you don’t really know them well so you don’t know how much of urself you wanna expose (or it’s just me. I’m too much of a crackhead apparently). Wait a moment. Do you have multiple buildings at ur school like a uni campus??

Make out spots at my school is this one sketchy stairwell where all the scary ppl are. The whole school just smells like weed bc 90% of the school are potheads. Alright that’s the deal if we die we die together 😤 I have never heard of bathroom portables before,, those sounds so Extra. Are they like a porta potty? Omg speaking of older grades a bunch of girls who graduated last year came to my work & I was like “oh shit lol ik u all this is awkward” 

Oof I’m the older sister so like. Favouritism never works in my favour. My sister will literally start a fight w me but I’m the only one who gets lectured in the end. Like. Bitch u started this 😤 I’m on the older side out of my cousins so I’m just Ignored 😪 I’m placing my bet on 2k words right now for our convos 

-

ah makes sense, i thought there was a time for summer too but it might just be here or i’m dumb 😔 I CANT AFFORD TO GET SICK MISSING ONE DAY OF SCHOOL WILL NOT HELP ME AT ALL ! but thank u for ur concern miss, u should just fly to cali anyway 😪 myb i’ll go to u can i hitchike from here ?? IT IS SO GOOD ITS AMAZING IT WAS SO CHEAP but the drink was super sweet 🤢 i have converted back to normal lattes with no syrup. peet’s is usually 5.20 for my drink and it’s so strong i don’t need extra shots ☺️ 

3 times,, a month,, i go to the mall like 3 times a week, look @ u being so athletic! tbh i sound lame but i’ve never taken a bus (other than a school bus for field trips) before like. buses here are lowkey sketch but it’s mostly college students. i rely on my parents and uber 🤧 sometimes i walk but. i don’t like to but if i have to i will oop. it takes an hour to get there and an hour back then right? i can’t imagine bro omg i’d just die. i know how to knot my shoelaces and never being able to untangle them so i now wear slip ons 🤪 poor ada, were like the same person but that was me when i took a knitting class for some reason and couldn’t do any of it 😪

okay idk if i told u yet but my ap euro teacher asked who’s been to italy so i raised my hand, he asked how it was and i said “the gelato is rly good” and his face was just. utter disappointment. turns out he was asking abt the art but he didnt clarify it and we weren’t even talking abt art so now i’m known as That Girl 😔 it’s hard to miss me oop, if it’s quiet then i’m sleeping & all my teachers last year knew this 😪 how do u get marked absent?? i wish band was a credit course but it’s only extra curricular 😔 are ur teachers snakes i will Step on them. newborns look fake but yeah they get cute when they’re like half a year old. 

like. brek-fust by my friends says brek-fist like it’s more of a u sound than an i but go off u idiots. salmon with the L,, ada,, no,, if u say carmel instead of caramel i’m gonna riot. ugh thanks bro i was lucky someone gave me this url, but nohyuckclub? aka the author of the most legendary mark lee social media au? A Whole Legend, but treerachas? my absolutely fave 🥺 languages are dumb i don’t know english i don’t know spanish my vocab consists of sksk and i oop, and that’s it. HOW DO U MISPRONOUNCE ADA LIKE. when i saw ur name i was like ay-da not ah-da, ppl need to learn bro it’s just said how it’s spelled. AND PERISH LOL I LOVE THE WORDS U USE

i’m actually dumb tho i just hate math oops, i’m more of a lunch kind of person if u know what i mean 😉 JK IM GROSS STOP ME and i like the 2nd one (the red one right? idk it’s all pretty u choose) i don’t wanna expose myself but it happens bc i’m just naturally a crackhead oops. but yeah we have multiple buildings! my campus is pretty small tbh? compared to other schools we’re really small, there’s like 2k kids here and i wanna die. it’s so crowded in the halls like get away from me u smelly thot. we have 3 buildings connected by 3 hallways, and a few other ones like the science buildings, music room, portables, 2 gyms and classrooms. in total i think there are 10 buildings? how’s ur campus like?

do you have one big building or smth? in my middle school had stairs and. stairs aren’t fun i hate them. if people kissed on the stairs everybody would hate them bc they’re blocking the halls LOL. we have our legendary D wing bathrooms where people smoke its so funny how often i got offered a roll,,, people straight up vape in class its so funny. but yeah a porta party. disgusting 🤢 in my head that’s what i call it LOL, a portable bathroom… i hate when i see people from school or just. ppl in general, did they recognize u?

U SPELL FAVORITISM WITH A U THATS SO WEIRD FUCKING AMERICA but im lowkey spoiled (highkey) but i. don’t pick fights, its my brother who does that LOL, he gets lectured tho so,,, not my problem oops i have a lot of cousins but we split it when we were younger so its wrong but teens (now adults but still called teens), kids (now teens but still called kids), and the adult adult cousins (which is the only correct one LOL) but i fit into the kid category so,,,, also we have almost 20k im literally SCREAMING, including this we’re at 20,712 words im-

[bvckst]

70 horrible questions

tagged by @kookno​

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents?

kind of. my dad and i are pretty close, and my mom and i used to be really distant, but we’re starting to get more in touch with each other. 

2. who did you last say “i love you” to?

i think either my grandmother or my best friend syd. 

3. do you regret anything?

yeah like every single decision i make. my life is nothing but second-guessing every action i take.

4.  are you insecure?

incredibly so.

5. what is your relationship status?

hopelessly single.

6. how do you want to die?

ok so this is going to sound really weird but my cousin and i have thought very deeply about this. we decided that we either want to become immortal (like technology evolves enough to make us live forever without getting old) or we want to die relatively young bc we don’t want to be old. that sounds really really bad but dude if we’re both immortal then we won’t be lonely.

7. what did you last eat?

raspberries.

8. played any sports?

yeah i used to play soccer and i was really good at it. 

9. do you bite your nails?

yes, to the point that they bleed, and it’s really annoying. 

10. when was your last physical fight?

in elementary school on the first day in T.A.G. class a girl kept teasing me and messing with me and stuff so i punched her in the stomach. 

11. do you like someone?

yeah but im p sure i don’t even register to her.

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

yeah finals week b.

13. do you hate anyone at the moment?

yeah a lot of people i have this bad habit of disliking people at the drop of a hat. too cynical. 

14. do you miss someone?

yeah, my aunt moved really far away and we used to be super duper close.

15. have any pets?

yeah man two mastiffs ( gimli and daisy ) and two cats ( buddy and luna ) who are completely unrelated but have the exact same markings and are really hard to tell apart for strangers. 

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?

excited bc i’m hanging out with friends tomorrow. 

17. ever made out in the bathroom. 

never made out period mate. a little too far for me. 

18. are you scared of spiders?

i have a very hot and cold relationship with spiders. i understand that they are benign and i try to let them go their own way but if one happens to get too close or is a bit bigger than i’d like it to be i will not stop until it is gone. 

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

i mean not forever bc the past doesn’t like gay people but for a brief period of time hells yeah ur talking to a major history nerd i couldn’t resist. 

20. where was the last place you snogged someone?

christ never. 

21. what are your plans for this weekend?

hanging out with friends and buying a swim suit. 

22. do you want to have kids? how many?

no not at all sorry dad but there are no kids in the future for me. 

23. do you have piercings? how many?

just my ears. 

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)?

really all of them but my favorites are math and science. 

25. do you miss anyone from your past?

no i think i’ve moved on. 

26. what are you craving right now?

chick fil a.

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

a few times maybe, but one of them i don’t feel bad about bc he was stalking me.

28. have you ever been cheated on?

yeah in elementary school lmao. 

29. have you ever made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

idk probably i’m a shitting gf i think i don’t know not a lot of experience.

30. what’s irritating you right now?

my sister had her friend over and they were up until 5:30 in the morning shouting and they kept me up all fucking night and i would have slept in except my dad woke me up to check if i was still alive. 

31. does somebody love you?

i mean yeah like my friends and my family. def hate myself though. 

32. what is your favorite color?

ok legit i do not know this is a serious problem for me i like a lot of colors like blue and green and yellow i can’t decide on a favorite. 

33. do you have trust issues?

yes and no. i feel like a lot of people have ulterior motives bc i’ve been around a lot of people like that but i’m also willing to open up if i know it’ll help someone. 

34. who/what was your last dream about?

i dreamed that my grandmother was best friends with the chinese president. 

35. who was the last person you cried in front of?

idk i cry every fucking day i think i got in a fight with my dad and started crying bc i’m a crybaby. 

36. do you have out second chances too easily?

yeah i think so. i mean i’m still suspicious of the person but i allow them to try and make it up. 

37. is it easier to forgive or forget?

forget, i’m bad at forgiving so i try to just block it out. 

38. is this year the best year of your life?

yeah i think so. i’ve picked up a lot of the things i used to love, and i’m a lot happier than i used to be. 

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss?

i think i was it third grade and this kid we called vampire kid ( he bit people ) dragged me underneath a bush by my leg and forced me to kiss him. 

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked?

dude no wth.

51. favorite food?

pasta, chicken, potatoes, sushi. don’t make me choose. 

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

nahhh i don’t think so. i believe in science and science is random and meaningless but also patterns and meticulous. i think that everything is explainable but that doesn’t mean everything has a purpose. 

53. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 

watched blackfish for the 75th time.

54. is cheating ever okay?

nah b down with cheaters. 

55. are you mean?

i don’t think i’m mean, i’m somewhat brash and i like to tease but i’ve never intentionally tried to belittle someone or cause someone pain. plus i’d never have the courage to be mean to someone, i’m too scared of everything ever. 

56. how many people have you fist fought?

none i’m small. i have wrestled with my cousin skye though but i always lose. 

57. do you believe in true love?

nope i think you can love someone with all your heart and still it might not work out. love is someone you have to work for. 

58. favorite weather?

sunny and 65. 

59. do you like the snow?

yeah bc it means i get a snow day. 

60. do you wanna get married?

idk man like i don’t see a reason for it because i don’t think you need a piece of paper to validate your relationship but i do think that if you wanna get married that’s totally chill. 

61. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

platonically yeah, i love it. 

62. what makes you happy?

idk my friends, painting without reason, books, nature, the beach. a lot of simple things make me happy. 

63. would you change your name?

no i don’t like my name but it’s still MY name, and i don’t think any other name would fit me. 

64. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

we’re talking abt vamp boy so yeah, hella hard. 

65. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

politely turn them down bc i’m gay. however this scenario wouldn’t ever happen bc my best friend of the opposite sex is also gay. 

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act like your complete self around?

yeah several. i think i’m very much myself nowadays, i’m not as afraid to be myself as i used to be. 

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

my dad?

68. who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 

probably my grandmother talking we like to yell abt how much we hate trump. 

69. do you believe in soulmates?

no i think you can have deep connections with multiple people. 

70. is there anyone you would die for?

honestly i’m really scared of dying, but there are still a few people i would. especially my little sister, because i’m always worried about her. 

i tag @3cbx @tencafe @softheartae @overdevv @shinee-prism @namjoone @dreamscript @jeon-gguk @amartae

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 1

ok so i really want to talk to a therapist but i wont be comfortable explaining my life story if theyre white. i just want help cus im always so tired but no one helps. ive been angry, fighting my whole life but no one cares. i came as an angry anxious baby. i was furious when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time,  abandoned multiple times just to be bought by these white foreigners i didnt even understand. but no one cared. no one knew how to handle my loss and pain, and my dad’s emotionally abusive as it is, making me grow up, feeling like theres smth wrong with me. that im just an annoying angry kid by default or smth, while my sister was the perfect one. thats why i always protected her. thats why i always stood up against his accusations,  guilt tripping and anger. because my little sister was too afraid and i was already labelled as the problematic kid. but im tired. she’s fkn 15. after all the things ive done for her the least she gan do is ask me how im feeling fromt time to time. my whole family knows ive been depressed for like 2 years and the only one who cares is my mom who just survived a 7 year old long ptsd. i hear from her that my sister appreciates it but i never get anything from her. i dont feel appreciated in this family at all. im still the angry annoying sjw and nothing i say will ever be taken seriously by our dad cus hes a master of making both me, my sister and mom (probably brothers too but they fkn abandoned us a long time ago those pussies, leaving 10 year old me to fend for me and lil sis all on my own while our parents were divorcing, mom was suicidal, dad abusive and economy crashing) feel like shit. their divorce was probably my first trigger factor. it took me 2,5 years, i was 4 the first time i dared to let go of my parents. first time they could leave me out of sight without me being ”annoying and screaming” aka having a fucking panic attack. their divorce was another abandonment, another trauma and i never learnt how to get over that either.

yesterday i was crying in the bathroom for 2 hours straight bc my family doesnt love me, i get out and no one cares. i literally told my dad he wouldnt care if i died yesterday and he didnt react. he fkn closed the balcony door bc he didnt want the neighbors to hear me ”so angry and upset”. i yelled at him that when i commit suicide its going to be his fault but hes so narcissist and dumb he doesnt understand. so i threw smth and destroyed smth and tHEN he reacted. i love having to use unhealthy techniques like suicide threats and murdering threats to get a reaction. i once did that and this ex friend threatened to report me to the police for murder threat. her mom even called my boyfriends mom to warn them of me but she didnt even call my mom??? she didnt care abt the fact that next to my ”i want to kill everyone. dream of murdering my family” i also wrote ”i want to kill myself”. dont remind me of this though. im not proud of it. i know its weong to manipuqlte like this but no one teached me how to deal with my feelings and avandonemnt issues in a healthy way. and so i’ve took after my dad and turned into this controlling emtoionally abuser, all bottled up, constantly angry and sad, guilt tripping and manipulating the people im supposed to love in fear of them abandoning me. and i will always hate the world for making me suffer like this. 

i just want to rest. im tired of always fighting for something as basic as love and safety. i never got over the loss of mom and culture and people. and i lost every sense of safety i had built up during my adoptive parents divorce and older brothers leaving. and im unhappy, im always unhappy because i miss my mom and culture and people so much. i feel misplaced and lost. the only thing keeping me alive being the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of being able to actually help people with my experiences and knowledge, to help other international transracial adoptees or maybe fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like.... nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. if im never going to be happy ive been suffering for nothing. ive tried so hard in my life but nothing works. im cursed. i really am cursed but not only do people leave me im also incapable of feeling other peoples love. i cant feel other peoples love because the only love i want is my mothers. my REAL mother, my ACTUAL mother, the chinese mother society loves to shame and make me forget because you all see her as a threat to my white parents claim over me.

the only difference between me and all those other ”normal” adoptees (aka my little sister) is that they’re whitewashed to death by their family, probably even more emotionally abused than i was and also they’ve repressed their feelings and trauma and I AM THE VERY REASON ADOPTEES DO THAT. ME AND ADOPTEES OVERREPRESENTATION IN SUICIDE STATISTICS ARE THE REASONS BECAUSE ITS GOING TO KILL YOU. my abortion and friend-break up was the last trigger before i exploded but believe me, it would have happened sooner or later anyways. my whole life has been a trigger. however many adoptees live their whole lives without ever waking up from this pretty little perfect sunshine story their parents and society had told them. there’s a reason so many adoptees are whitewashed to death and hates your disrespectful nosy questions. its a survival technique. we know that if we want to survive a life with our background conditions, then we have to repress our feelings concerning our adoption and everything associated with it. its not conciously, ITS A DEFENSE MECHANISM. and we get so much shit for it, which is understandable because many adoptees are fucking racist asshats. but you need to fucking understand that its because they’ve learnt to hate themselves and their own people. they’re TERRIFIED of being associated with immigrants and people of color because they know their white racist parents secretely hate them and actually secretely hate them too. all they want is love, they dont know anything else. it sucks to argue with a 40 year old adoptee of color though who’s still racist and whitewashed af, thats just sad and i would love to focus more on younger adoptees and help and support them through their ”awakening”. the awakening is much like learning about sexism or racism and how its ingrained in everything and practiced by your family and friends. just 100x worse cus you realize your family isnt even your family and you’re all alone in your thoughts, feelings, experiences and eventual search.

and adoptive parents and adoption organisations need to take fucking respnsobility for once without blaming everything on our traumatic past. you’re not ready to adopt non-white kids with trauma. you’re not educated enough and you placing us in all-white countries and neighborhoods, with problematic and abusive parents will not help. and im not speaking for myself, im speaking for ALL international transracial adoptees. im tired of hearing ”but your sister”, ”but my daughter is not”, ”my son doesnt care” WELL AS I SAID THEY DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER GIVEN THEM THE CHANCE OR REASON TO CARE. IVE SACRIFICED MYSELF FOR MY SISTER. IVE FOUGHT OUR PARENTS, IVE TOLD THEM I HATE THEM, IVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD TO TEST THEM, MY MOM WAS SUFFERING FROM PTSD AND I WAS THE MOST ANNOYING PROBLEMATIC KID EVER BECAUSE 1. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN AND 2. TO SEE IF THEY WOULD FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH AND LEAVE ME. I DID THAT BECAUSE I COULDNT LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT FEAR OF ONE DAY HAVING THEM GROW TIRED OF ME AND ABANDON ME. I WANTED THEM TO BECAUSE THEIR DIVORCE WAS AVANDOBMENT ENOUGH. I DID THAT BECAUSE MY KIND LITTLE QUIET SISTER WOULD NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO. SHE WOULD NEVER DARE TO STAND UP AGAINST OUR DAD OR QUESTION THEIR BAD PARENTING AND UNDEDUCATION WHEN IT COMES TO RACISM/ADOPTION INDUSTRY BECAUSE SHES SCARED. SHE HATES CONFLICTS AND FIGHTS BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT TRIGGERS HER. SHE GETS TRIGGERED BY FIGHTS AND I GET TEIGGERED WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME BECAUSE SHES AVOIDANT AND IM ATTACKING. I WANT TO FIGHT BC THATS HOW I FEEL PPL CARE. WHEN MY DAD WALKS OUT ON ME WHEN I TRY TO FIGHT OR SAY SOMETHING THATS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER. WHEN I FIGHT WITH MT BF AND HE DOESNT ANSWER MY TEXTS OR HE SUDDENLY HUNGS UP ON ME THATS THE BIGGEST TRIGGER. MY SISTER WOULD HUNG UP BC SHE WOULD FIND SOMEONE LIKE ME SCARY BUT WE ALL GET TRIGGERED BY DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON THOUGH IS OUR TRUSMA AND OUR ABANDOMENT ISSUES. SHES ALSO AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED, WE ALL FUCKING ARE, MANY OF US JUST DONT KNOW IT YET BECAUSE OUR PARENTS ARENT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE KIDS WITH TRAUMA. I KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE POLITICS AND SOCIAL JUSTICE SO I EDUCATED MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. MY SISTER LOVES NATURAL SCIENCE SO SHE DOESNT KNOW A SHIT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT A BISEXUAL IS AND SHES FKN 15, SHES AWESOME AT NATURAL SHIT AND THATS IT. I KNOW BECAUSE IVE ACTIVELY SOUGHT INFORMATION ABOUT IT BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES. NO ONE HELPED ME. EVERYTHING IVE LEARNT AND EVERYTHING I KNOW IS THANKS TO MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. ADOPTIVE PARENTS DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT RACISM OR TRAUMAS. MY MOM UNDERSTANDS BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT IF I DIDNT COME UP WITH THESE THEORIES ON MY OWN SHE NEVER WOULD. SHE TELLS ME NOW AT AGE 19 THAT ADOPTING ME, SEEING ME SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE AS I WAS HANDED OVER FELT WRONG. SHE FELT LIE SHE WAS TAKING ME, THAT IT WAS INHUMANE. AND NOW SHE KNEW WHY. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING WRONG AND INHUMANE. SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION IF I DIDNT PUSH HER WITH MY KNOWLEGE. IM THE ONE EDUCATING MY PARENTS AND ITS ONLY MY MOM LISTENING AND SINCE SHES WHITE AND NOT ADOPTED HERSELF SHES STILL ONLY ABLE TO UNDERSTAND LIKE 50% OF IT

i honestly dont get enough appreciation in this family. the only thinkers in this family is me, my mom and one of my brothers. but fuck him as i said, he abandoned us during their divorce and he’s been absent all my teenage years. we could have been close, he could have helped me bc he also suffered from depression. he gould have protected me like i proteced my little sister but he didnt. maybe it was the age gap or the fact that me and my sister are adopted while he and our other brother isnt, we’ll never know. all i know is that unlike my other brother and our dad he’s not completely unfamiliar with what racism, sexism and capitalism is. he’s not dumb and empty. he got a brain and he would be capable of understanding these things just like mom if he wanted to. but its been so many years, he’s fucking 28 and he betrayed me that bitch.

i really dont get enough appreciation. no one ever tells me they love me or appreciate my brain since im the only one analyzing shit. my mom does too but only personal and psycholgy shit never society or groups like oppression and structures and systems. im the only one doing that and im good at it. i always see patterns and i know my politics very well so i can easily see what kind of ideology people have. but i never get credit for it. im still just the lazy kid while my sister get cred for..... idk studying and working our and being didciplined. also ive been through mich more than anyone in this family. my mom and brother has also been through shit, i mean okay ALL OF them have because all people go through shit, but ive LEARNT things and they havent. they’ve repressed it or ignored it. only my mom and brother have also learnt but they never talk. my brother is avodiant like my sister. he never talks. hes quiet to himself and thinks. my mom talks but shes still a pussy

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth