#also fuck dentists for giving me the same talk and the same disappointed look and condescending tone

[scrambldmeg]

List of doctors with RANK ASS VIBES:

1) dentist

2) psychiatrist

3) (not a doctor but) urgent care receptionists who say I don’t meet their deductible so I have to pay $200 for a flu and strep test

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #465

“the old man then prepares to die regretfully  /  that old man here is me”

Did you have a boyfriend in kindergarten? No, but I had a guy who wouldn't leave me alone since pre-k. Did you ever read the Magic Treehouse series? OMG I forgot about those!! I loved them!!! Did you ever watch The Land Before Time movies? AHHHHHHHHH yes!!! :') Did you collect anything when you were a kid? Stickers. My dresser was COMPLETELY covered in them. Who did you look up to most as a child? Steve Irwin, 100%. He was my hero. Did your parents let you drink soda when you were little? Some, yes. I wish they hadn't, with the dependency I have now. Did you ever watch The Powerpuff Girls or Dexter’s Laboratory? Of course! I strongly preferred the former, though. Did you watch Blue's Clues? HOW TIMELY. :'''') I did! My little sister and I loved it. What was your favorite kind of cake as a kid? Just gimme a good 'ole double chocolate cake and I was one happy kiddo, ha ha. Did you ever want to grow up? Sure didn't. I was smart. How often do you listen to classic rock? It varies, really. Sometimes I'm in the mood for it and binge it, other times I want newer music. What about country? Just about never. What is the most amount of money you have ever lost? Not a whole lot. I'm very careful with money. Have you ever hurt yourself just to get attention? No. Whenever I did it in the past, it was always to relocate the pain I was experiencing, and because I felt like I deserved it. Last person to get on your nerves? I'd rather not give it the time of day. Are you in any pain right now? No. Last thing you ate? It was one of those chocolate chip Clif Thins things. I HATE every Clif product I've ever tried until these, so they're a good option if I really want something sweet that's actually decently healthy and doesn't taste like I'm eating pure fiber, like most of their products. Name three things apart from trust and loyalty that you need in a relationship. Open, honest communication, similar interests as well as morals, and pro-LGBTQ+, if I'm just naming three. How far away are you from the place that you were born? Like... not even ten minutes. Do you live near anybody who creeps you out? Nah. Then again though I know pretty much nobody in my neighborhood. Is there anywhere that you are too afraid to go to alone? Where? Hm. If for whatever strange reason I had to, I would absolutely not want to go into a men's restroom alone. Would you be upset if you had a child who decided to make “adult films?” Despite the fact I don't negatively judge porn stars if they are smart, cautious, an informed about what they do and how to stay safe... I think I'd be very, very scared if my child wanted that, especially if it was my daughter, because she can actually get pregnant. Yes, abortion's an option, but... still. I don't want her to have to be faced with that decision. I also would be terrified of my hypothetical son getting someone pregnant, especially because he's then not the one with say on what happens to that child. So ultimately, if I was ever in this situation, I feel like I'd need to be alone with my partner to just cry for a while and then talk with them and look at the situation factually and with regard for my child's happiness. What pizza topping would you never, ever, EVER eat? Sardines. /gag What annoys you most about your computer? The microphone is broken. Do you prefer to read blogs or watch vlogs? I'm not huge on either, but watch vlogs. Do you know anyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas? No. Do you own a snowglobe? I wish I did, they cute. What was the last thing that upset you? It was more disappointing than upsetting, but I was nevertheless super bummed that my bf had to scoot us hanging out a day back today when I was v excited for it. What is something you are behind on? It sounds unbelievable, I know, but I am IMMENSELY behind with Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. Like, I'm somewhere around four episodes in. It's so hard to explain: like, I want to watch it badly, but I don't want to set aside time to sit in front of the TV to actually do it? It makes very little sense. I'll catch up eventually, I just... haven't yet. Who DO you go to for advice when you need it? Mom, Sara, my therapist... Will you go caroling this year? God no. Never have, never will. Would you ever be friends with someone who was suicidal? Bro what the fuck, of course I would. Would you rather have a daughter or a son? Daughter. Did you get bullied more as a child, a teenager, or an adult? I'm very grateful that I was never truly bullied. If you’re female, would you feel uncomfortable having a male gynecologist? FUCK YES. Are you allergic to your favorite animal? I wouldn't know; I've never been near one. :( What’s your favorite country besides the USA? Lol what a presumptuous question. Probably Africa. Did you get senior pictures taken? No, even though I wanted them. :/ I don't remember why I didn't? How often do you like to have sex? I don't care. Whenever it feels right. Are you any good at math? OH MY GOD NO Do you like Dairy Queen? I fucking love Dairy Queen. Ever had their Oreo Cupfection? *chef's kiss* If you had to get advice from someone of the opposite sex, who would you go to? Girt. Or my psychiatrist. Really depends. Does talking about sex make you feel uncomfortable? GODDAMN RIGHT IT DOES. Few things make me MORE uncomfortable. Are you more scared of going to the doctors or dentists? Doctors. Dentists are ezpz for me. At the doctor, meanwhile, I'm scared of them finding something seriously wrong. Do you get along with your significant other’s friends? I've only met one, and that was YEEEEAAARRRRSSS ago. He was chill, though. Do you enjoy the sound of crickets at night and birds in the morning? omfg YES Do you enjoy board games? Not really. Do you need a haircut? I actually just got one the other day. It's shorter than I would've liked, but it's whatever. Hair grows back, and mine does fast. Do you feel bad when you kill bugs? Yes. They've got the same right to be here as we do. What’s the longest stretch of time you’ve spent completely alone? A week or two when my mom and sis went to the beach (I think?) for a dance competition. Have you ever been in a situation where you needed a lawyer? Yes, when I presented my disability case. Do you know anyone who has been evicted? My mom, sister, and me because we couldn't keep up with rent. What’s your favorite macaron flavor? Never tried one. How often do you have friends over to your house? The only "friend" that comes over to my house is my boyfriend. Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? Front flips, yes; never back flips, because I was scared of breaking my neck. What about a flip off of a diving board? No. Does your country have free healthcare? No, but it fucking should. What is your sexuality? Bro I don't even know anymore lmao. I just say pansexual. "Queer" might fit me best, though. I really don't know, but it doesn't really matter. What’s the last show you watched? Attack on Titan w/ Girt! I'm actually keen to see more of it. The darkness and heartbreak of it is right up my alley. How is your road rage? I don't really experience road rage because I'm too engulfed by terror to focus on anything else, honestly. Do you have any facial piercings? Yeah; I have a vertical labret in my lip. Have you ever been to a rehab center? So this is dumb as shit, but all the psych hospitals I've been to doubled as rehab centers. Which made NO goddamn sense because those who are suffering with mental illnesses leading to suicidal thoughts/tendencies are unique from those dealing with addiction; both require individual treatments and should not be grouped, imo. How long did your shortest relationship last? Not even a day. What would your life be like if you had married your first love? That's... scary to imagine. Sometimes, that was all I wanted. But seeing as he left because of my depression... it probably would have been catastrophic. He was the only person I ever wanted kids with, so there probably would have been children involved in all that madness, which no little one deserves. Him leaving ultimately led to my healing, too, so I don't know where I would've been mental health-wise if he stayed. What is the most difficult or time-consuming thing you’ve ever cooked? Would you make it again? I don’t cook. I need to learn, though... Have you ever had a platonic friend that everyone insisted you should be in a relationship with? He's my boyfriend now, ha ha ha. Is there anything about a person’s sexual past that might stop you from wanting to date them? Yes. I'm too lazy to get into that stuff rn, though. If someone asked your closest friends/family members what career path might suit you best, what do you think they would say? I'm almost certain they would all say veterinarian. How did you and your significant other celebrate your last anniversary? Slow down buddy, we haven't even been together a month lmao. Who was the last person to make you a home-cooked meal? What did they make? Mom, but I don't recall the last thing she made from scratch. Girt is doing that tomorrow, though! :') He's making grilled chicken stuffed with jalapenos and spinach and something else I can't remember and it sounds BANGIN'. What’s the weirdest, rudest, or most ridiculous thing a guest has ever done in your home? Hmmm... I'll have to get back to ya on that. Has anyone ever told you you’re manipulative? I think someone has, yes. Do you know anyone who owns their own business? Yep. Who was the recipient of your very first kiss? Jason. Do you prefer shrimp or crab? SHRIMP. Crab is mushy and disgusting. Do you prefer fiction or non-fiction books/movies? I strongly prefer fiction. Have you ever seen an eclipse? Plenty of lunar eclipses, yes. Who is your favourite video game character? Pyramid Head, Spyro, Cynder... I have a lot, those three are just panning out as strong contenders. Are you the type of person who knows exactly what they want in life? lol Do you have commitment issues? Not at all. What was the last thing you felt nostalgic about? uhhh Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad. Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? OMG one time in his prime, Teddy got loose on a snowy night and went on a full-blown adventure. I was SOBBING. My dad had to chase him down. Do any of your exes know each other? Juan knows Jason, Jason knows Juan and Girt, and Sara knows Girt. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? "Vaccines cause autism." Fuck out my face. What was the very first election you voted in? This most recent presidential one.

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#3)

Let’s see what we have on the slate. this should be the premiere of s3: Speak Your Truth. I am watching this during school, so let’s see how bad my focus is.

-the episode description is “The shooting of Dr. Charles moves to the courtroom and things turn complicated for the doctors and nurses of Chicago Med.” so still on brand for being all sorts of vague.

-all that really says is more sarah angst so big sad

-let’s get started

-god back to classic med, starting things off fast, just how i like it

-how tf kellogg live through the headshot. guy can’t do anything right

-connor running towards charles on the guerney screaming “what the hell happened!?” and sharon just being “he got shot.” is so fucking hilarous to me i have no clue why

-oh god i remember how much it bothered me that connor changed his hair from the end of s2 to the start of s3 lol (bc it’s supposed to be the same night, but yk, nitpicking)

-the time jump is such an interesting choice. i remember it was jarring at first. i’m sure i’ll have more to say as the episode goes on

-aw hey guys look its sarah! adorable

-also stoll

-oh god, nat taking a sabbatical was weird

-WHEN SHE LOOKS AT WILL SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE IS IN PAIN IM SCREAMING

-counting

-oh boy watching s3 means i get to watch noah get thrown through a glass door and also be a disappointment

-the way connor is effortlessly charming here in the beginning is maybe the only reason i tolerate his character (also more of sarah being adorable)

-horney boi. stop it.

-noah following after sarah like a lovesick puppy is funny

-sarah saying ‘he’s the reason i went into psych...’ honey, psych is not good for your mental health please stop giving him credit

-HOLD THE FUCK ON?????

-its the s3 premiere and Sarah talks about her dad and her strained relationship, specifically because noah compares charles getting shot to her dad getting shot. but like, foreshadowing... maybe i should give the med writers a smidge more of credit than I have been in terms of planning things...

-sarah: “don’t compare my dad to dr. charles.”

-long sigh. god... sarah being so supportive. and charles just being ‘No???’

-not to be weird but court room scenes always get me feeling some sorta way

-haha its peter stone! remember him? remember chicago justice?

-THE BETRAYAL ON SARAH’S FACE - she cares so much about him and he’s about to get his own shooter acquitted.

-god sarah is just fucking fantastic. she feels so passionately about caring about people

-god charles fucking hates himself so much? he should Not be ava’s mentor

-charles: “I think the shooting is affecting your objectivity.” sarah: “mY oBjECtiViTy?!”

-also they said ‘the fact he was concealing a weapon shows like fear malicious content’ or what ever. and uh,, sarah? please. please, for my sanity. (bc of what happens later in the season)

-charles- you know how you can help me? fuck off.

-lol this kid is the one who had like a tooth ache, and now his brain is rotting or something. probably will happen to me (@ my parents please let me see the dentist)

-this is where doris is like ethan is playing favorites

-the like background noises of the ed calm me down. they prob really shouldn’t

-they’re gonna fuckkkkk

-something to be said about sarah being gung ho about kellogg being off the streets and a danger to society when... her dad...

- I really like when med does the thing when one character is just standing in the ed and they transition to the next story by having the next character run past

-what is with all of the nurses drama like honestly

-hey guys look its ava! (let see if i have enough brain cells to find anything)

-heyyyy look at that. ava trying usurp some of connor’s cases. while, yeah she is being a tad undermining, connor’s gf was literally just discharged from a psych hold. this is just an interaction to keep in mind for future events.

-ava’s playing full cunning while connor’s busy fucking his girlfriend

-dont hate the player man

-because they’re both under latham, they’re more rivals than hero/villain, bc they have a common guy who is their advisor. but yeah. dont hate the player

-robin calling ava ‘cruella’ is making want to throw hands ngl. god dude chill - bc it means either robin just saw ava interacting with people and thought ‘what a bitch’ or connor was complaining about ava and either way I hate it.

-connor broke up with robin bc she was too horneyyy (ik he didn’t break up w her but yk)

-connor - reese interaction was nice. until he started blaming her bruh wtf chilll

-her arguing with connor is like. peak. (ava + sarah teaming up to bully connor and not take any of his shit?? i think yes)

-this ethan april thing is stupid. i’m just gonna say it.

-ava: “that would have been a really great idea if you were trying to kill him.” SHE TAKES NO. SURVIVORS. i love her so much

-YEAH RHODES GET FUCKED! i think one of the reasons ava was disliked at first was bc latham kind of favored her and... literally everyone else favored connor? so get fucked? but here, ava can obviously hold her own and connor is just whining. I’m glad they put them on equal ground bc connor and ava’s direct superior is on ava’s side, and literally everyone else is with connor. AND CONNORS STILL PLAYED AS AN UNDERDOG BC AVA TOOK HIS SURGERY! HOW. infuriating

-anyway, for the purposes of the theory ava is capable enough to hold her own as a stand alone, and clever enough to be entertaining

-holy shit no i think i just remembered how this storyline goes. connor gets a better surgery, right? he gets glory and stuff. this is too fucking rich, come on. let one thing go wrong for him.

-i miss ava

-GOD SARAH LOOKS GOOD IN HER FUCKING BLAZER. unfair. unmatched

-stop it sarah you have anxiety.

-SARAH NO. BABY IS SCARED.

-okay. Ava is half bickering, half flirting with him, a little annoying but we put up with it bc we love her and its not her fault she’s supposed to be his love interest. but still, it’s playful, it’s not neccesarily flirting. conceivably, she could be talking to anybody. But then, she tells him to relax, to take a day off. SHE’S STILL A GOOD PERSON. SHE’S NOT TRYING TO EXPLICITLY SPITE CONNOR, OR ANYONE. that’s what people tend to forget. she’s not malicious.

-connor thinks she is tho. maybe that’s why some people hated her, bc connor hated her

-charles: “kellogg is not a criminal” BRUH HE SHOT YOU

-HOLY SHIT. SHARON RN IS LIKE YOU WANT KELLOGG TO BE FREE BC YOU DIDN’T CATCH THE SIGNS OF A KILLER AND ITS ABOUT YOUR EGO

-AND??? SARAH’S DAD ANYONE? that was why he was so persistent of sarah’s dad. he wanted to catch the signs.

-OKAY HERE. When latham is like, wait, did ava manipulate me? is she actually sus? he was the one person on her side and then boom he sides with connor. literally do you have any idea how great ava would be without connor?

-this manstead thing is soooo exhausting

Okay so what have we learned?

Ava is getting Connor’s cases. kind of rude but also, they’re surgeons? It’s super competitive. AND CONNOR LITERALLY WON THAT ROUND BC LATHAM SWITCHED SIDES???

AND SHE STILL TOLD CONNOR TO GET SLEEP. LIKE SHE WAS BEING NICE WHILE ALSO BEING SNARKY

ava had less lines in the ep than in s2 and honestly. wtf.

not much content, but if you look at her content, come on she’s still amazing.

thanks for sticking through

read the rest here:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Extra

[wolfpawn]

The Art of Survival

Chapter 7

Summary- Fianna wakes up and conversed with Charlotte, leading to some warnings and explanations.

Fianna woke and groaned. Her head was hurting and her vision was almost fuzzy. Laing had woke her several times during her sleep, much to her annoyance throughout the night but he stated that it was for her safety, to ensure she could wake. All she wanted was to rest. As well as her head hurting terribly, her muscles ached all over her body; from her chest to her legs, everything felt as though she would never be pain free again.

All night long, Laing kept her against him, smothering her in the affection his mind had been obsessing with, finally being able to avail of the opportunity to do so. She could not recall much from the night but she recalled his arms around her for the entirety of it. On this waking, she noted Laing was nowhere to be seen.

She meekly got out of the bed, hissing in pain as she did so and got to her feet. Her progress across the room hampered by the fact her vision was hazy and in her mind, the room was spinning. She crashing painfully into the door frame and grabbed onto it, knowing she would be bruised on her shoulder as a result.

'Well, that went well.’

Fianna focused on Charlotte's oncoming form, knowing that the fact the other woman was doing so in a manner that was neither straightforward or easy to follow may possibly have absolutely nothing to do with her current concussed state. 'As well as can be expected, all things considered.’ She retorted.

'Is that why you crashed into the door?’ Charlotte smiled.

'Better that than onto the floor.’ She leant against the door, feeling her body feel too warm and finding it hard to catch her breath. 'Where is…?’

'Checking your traps, apparently. I was told to stay here in case you woke to tell you to stay still.’ She inhaled deeply from her cigarette, allowing the smoke remain in her body for a moment before exhaling again. 'And here we are.’

'I am surprised you did as he said.’

'Well, you dying would be rather inconvenient, you are, after all, the food provider around here.’

'Yes, that, and however would you get cigarettes from Arthur Byrne otherwise?’ Fianna chuckled. Charlotte looked at her bewildered by her knowledge of such things. 'I pay Mr Byrne in cigarettes to pass his floor. I pay him specifically in those cigarettes, the ones you are smoking at present.’

'Anyone could have these.’ Charlotte pointed out.

'Before this, yes, but I control the supply of cigarettes here now and I specifically give only that brand to him, the same as I only give certain other brands to other people.’

'Why?’

'To keep an eye on the lay of the land. Who barters with who, who is in cohorts with who.’

'Bullshit.’ Charlotte declared, half in shock, half in amazement.

‘To know what people want, so I can ensure I also can give it to them, I need to know what they have access to. It makes it easier then. So you having them tells me you liaise with Byrne.’

'You really are something else. What are you, are you in the military?’

'Just observant.’ Fianna shrugged.

Charlotte said nothing for a moment before commenting again. 'The day I first met you, who was that guy?’ Fianna looked at her blankly. 'Tall fellow, weird accent.’

Fianna shook her head. 'Just some delivery guy. Why?’

'Looked like you knew him. He was a good shag.’

Fianna could not help but look at Charlotte and laugh. 'You really would shag anything.’

It was not said with malice, which Charlotte realised immediately. She shrugged. 'He was good looking. I'm surprised you didn't.’

'Not my sort of thing.’

'You don't like men?’

Fianna scoffed. 'No, I like men, that's not an issue. It's the laissez faire approach to fucking random men I just don't see the appeal of.’

Charlotte leant against the wall. 'I thought you'd be too stuck up to say “fuck”.’

'I'm not, evidently.’

'Robert will be delighted to hear you like men. I think that's been bothering him.’ Fianna gave an bewildered look. ‘He is obsessed with you.’

'I'm sure.’ Fianna dismissed.

'Believe me or not, I don't particularly care, but he is. All he does is look for you, write about you in his little notebooks and even wank to the idea of you. It's almost pathetic really, throw the poor guy a bone and let him fuck you. He's good at it, he's the best there is here even before all of this.’

'I am not going to fuck him.’

‘Why not?’ If anything, Charlotte seemed offended.

'Well, for one thing, the last thing I need to risk is getting pregnant in this.’

'Wait, you are still bleeding? In this, really?’ Charlotte asked curiously.

'You've….?’

'Well, I got my tubes tied after Toby, so I don't count but you must be the only woman here that is.’

'No, that's not possible.’

'I beg to differ.’ Charlotte smirked. 'Lucky you.’ If she did not feel like death warmed up, Fianna would have argued more. As it stood, she could barely stand. 'Come on.’ Charlotte urged. Wearily, Fianna followed her to the balcony where Charlotte indicated for her to sit down. She did so and was handed a pot of stewed pigeon and some tinned vegetables. She looked at Charlotte worriedly. 'I haven’t poisoned it.’

'I know. You're not stupid.’

'Then why the distrust?’

'No one willingly leaves food around.’

‘You need to recover. Like I said, you are the food source here.’

Warily, Fianna leant forward and gently took a spoon of food. As soon as the first mouthful was finished, she shoved another spoonful in. Before long, she wolfed the entire contents, Charlotte saying nothing as she smoked another cigarette. When she finished, Fianna leant back and sighed. It was as though she could feel the food entering her veins to help her body. 'Where is my dog?’

'Robert has it.’

Fianna nodded her head. 'Thank you.’

'I think that's the first time I have heard that from anyone in six months and the first time ever from you.’

'We never had reason to speak, much less for me to be grateful to you for anything.’

'Do you dislike me that much, Fianna Butler?’

Fianna looked at her and huffed slightly. 'I don't hate many people, Charlotte Melville and I am sorry to disappoint you but you're not on the list.’ Charlotte chuckled slightly. 'That's what I dislike about you though, the sneakiness. The need to snoop others while making sure they know as little as possible about you.’

‘I love to talk about me, what do you want to know?’

'Nothing, I don't give a shit, never did.’ Fianna responded. 'I was curious for a time, how a woman with no visible employment could possibly afford a better home than even dentists and college lecturers but then I realised how and I realised, I just don't care.’

'How did I do it so?’ Charlotte asked, curious to see what Fianna had figured out.

'Toby's father.’

Charlotte found herself smiling slightly and nodding. 'You're right.’ She conceded. 'He gave it to us. And do you know who he was?’

‘No, and I don't care. I realised after I got that far that it is none of my concern. I just don't care about it.’ Fianna stated, leaning back in her chair. ‘My business is me.’

'You're better than most here were. They never stopped trying to figure it out.’

'Is that why you did nothing upstairs, you didn't want to be around busybodies?’

'Among other things.’ Charlotte answered. 'Ann Royal had plans for me, to have me be demeaned and scorned at. I had my share of her and her attitude before the world fell apart, looking down on me and acting as though me and my son were nothing more than a dirty mark on her and her husband…’ The was vitriol in Charlotte's words that were more vicious than could be deemed normal in general conversation and it caused Fianna to realise the missing part of the puzzle.

'I see.’ Charlotte looked at her. 'I see the logic in your reasons.’

Charlotte pursed her lips. 'You're the only one.’

‘You don't have to explain it to anyone. Your reasons are yours.’ She paused for a moment before laughing. 'I know you better now in this few minutes than I did the whole time I lived here.’

'I thought I knew you.’ Charlotte commented.

'No one knows me. The only people who ever did have died, even before this.’ Fianna stated bitterly.

'Did those boys do that to you?’ Charlotte indicated to Fianna's injuries. Fianna nodded. 'Did they do more?’ Fianna shook her head. 'You're lucky you're so strong.’

'You looked worse after Wilder. To keep standing after that, you're even stronger.’ Fianna looked at Charlotte, still not able to see her properly. 'Did you help kill him?’

'Yes.’ There was a hint of pleasure in her tone.

'Good.’ Fianna rose to her feet again feeling a little better. She stumbled slightly but made her way inside, Charlotte remaining on the balcony.

She looked around the clean apartment, her eyes not able to focus on much but her thoughts going back to what Charlotte had said about Robert and his desires. She sighed. In a different world, perhaps Laing would be someone to consider but she always wanted a proper partner, not a bed partner and from what Charlotte had said, he was not a man for such things back then, she heard from Wilder's wife also of his escapades but in the current climate, with the risks as they were, it was not an option. He was good looking, but not enough so to make stupid mistakes. She walked over to his table of notes and looked at it.

Laing had not even attempted to tidy it away. There in front of her, were detailed notes about her that even Fianna had not taken notice of in her own appearance. Her freckles were documented, even her acne scars, everything was noted. She looked through the notes, focusing in her dizzy state on the ramblings of words. It was startling. Charlotte was right, the notes were there, including some that seemed to be in shorthand code. She tried focusing more in hopes of it just being her current dizziness that was preventing her reading it but she just could not make it out.

'Fianna, what are you doing out of bed?’ Laing's tone was barely on the polite side of angry.

'I needed to go to the bathroom and I had something to eat.’ She explained. 'I also have outstayed my welcome and need to get back to my own home.’

‘You have to stay until your concussion ends.’ He insisted, putting his arms around her. 'It's not safe for you right now. What would you do without someone watching over you?’

'Regardless of someone watching me, if things go bad, I am a goner anyway.’ She pointed out.

'Don't say such things.’ Laing reprimanded, his nose physically in her hair, him inhaling deeply. 'That is a terrible thought. Here I can help you, this is my specialty, after all.’

'Robert…’

‘I love the way you say my name.’

Fianna felt slightly concerned by his behaviour but her dizziness, mixed felt with food made her severely nauseous and a moment later, she was rushing to the balcony and vomiting violently.

Charlotte watched boredly, noting the waste of good food as Laing tended to her before taking her in his arms and bringing her back to back to his bed. His comforting words reciting once more.

Fianna felt terrible as he spoke but unlike the night before, she heard the words being spoken to her and with him getting in beside her and bringing her body to his, she realised the one word being repeated over and over more than any other was “mine”.

[mentalcurls]

4. Il tuo ragazzo lo sa che ci scriviamo?

So, episode 4, our first glimpse of actual, real life, blood and bones Edoardo Incanti and the actual beginning of most of Eva’s troubles. For a hot minute I thought I wouldn’t actually have much to say about this episode, then Silvia happened and I wrote more than half a page about her. Keep reading for a discussion of catwalks, the first time Filippo Sava is mentioned ever and the results for the Bechdel test!

post sex cuddles for Eva and Gio is doing a staring contest

I like a woman who knows how to exploit a man’s weaknesses, like pulling the hair on his legs

wow, Gio’s subconscious must be a really weird place if that’s what he dreams about when it’s about Eva, her saying she wants to be a group of strangers’ slut, how edifying

“Oh, everyone calls her that [Osana bin Laden]” *grandma’s voice comes out of nowhere: “so if everyone went and jumped off a cliff would you follow them”?* *a wild Niccolò Fares dressed as Marty McFly teleports himself there from 3.5 Ammucchiate to make his “I’m disappointed by your generalizations” face at Gio*

I mean, Eva, maybe telling Gio Sana told you to break up with him won’t make him like her more, but that’s just my opinion

“Va bene, grazie, grazie mille, ciao, fantastico” Eva, that’s not how you pretend you’re not hiding something, that’s how you talk to the dentist’s secretary on the phone when you make an appointment

poor Gio, thrown out just in his underwear, no pants, no shoes, as if there wasn’t time to put them on at least when Eva could have simply gone to the bathroom and made a lot of noise to throw her mom off and let Gio leave with some dignity at least

I mean, that’s the guy who brings you crepes at 2 am Eva, you should treat him a bit better

“Oh God, Edoardo is here, don’t look” and all four of them look, like, C’MON!

I maintain that Edoardo/Giancarlo is cute, but nothing special, really, nothing worth having girls turn their heads for, especially when he snorts

that catwalk is nothing to turn your nose up at, tough

I was unsure about this for a bit because she doesn’t like that Gio doesn’t care that much about being widely accepted and considered cool at school, but Eva doesn’t care about being popular either, she simply wants positive female relationships with her peers, except that she was used to being one of the cool girls when she was friends with Laura, so some of that lingers

“Sometimes she reminds me of Cersei Lannister” only sometimes, Silvia?

Marti is wearing his blue jacket 😭

“Do you know a ‘Giulia Med’ on Instagram?” is this LudoBesse trying to plant some kind of Julian Dahl??? OMG

Eva laughs when Marti says that there’s a girl stalking him, but then she gets called a stalker herself and her face goes “Nope. Nope.”

poor Gio, he really has to fish for that invitation to dinner

I can’t imagine the anxiety very message from Canegallo gives her, because Giovanni is right there, and we know from his dismissive comment on Rocco Martucci to Silvia the previous episode (and Eva probably has known it far longer) that he doesn’t understand trying to get in with the cool clique, so he won’t get it, he’ll just assume the worst

not that Canegallo helps out with that. I get, you’re cool, you’re popular, you can have any girl you want and Eva is sending you mixed signals, so you’re pursuing her… except is all of that true? No! We already know almost nobody knew him at the Easter party cause Eva had look for him for ages, he has to have gotten that Eva didn’t go up to him because she’s into him, so the only “mixed signal” is the likes on Instagram, which is something a hundred girls have probably done before, Eva’s answers to hi DMs are vague… really, dude, don’t you see you’re projecting your own attraction onto her?

And anyways, why the fuck are you acting like such a creep? You’re “excited” she’s stalking you? Why has every girl who’s come before Eva let you get away with shit like that? Why doesn’t your girlfriend teach you any better? Oh wait, yeah, because that’s just boys being boys 🙄🙄🙄

Gio senses there’s something off… so why would you think Eva doesn’t sense something is off with you when you keep stuff from her?

Gio 😀 laughing 😀 at 😀 Eva’s 😀 new 😀 friends 😀 after 😀 pestering 😀 her 😀 to 😀 get 😀 new 😀 ones 😀 for 😀 ages 😀 I’m fine, really

those last few lines, when sex is treated as a bargaining chip and Eva’s mean for withholding it and Gio is considered whipped because he keeps things Eva has asked him not to say for himself… 🤦🏻‍♀️

Silvia’s absolute adoration for Eva for having managed in a day what she’s been trying to do for years (I’d bet at least since 2nd year, when Edoardo probably became cool) and get an in with the cool people. Poor child, how much did being your sister’s sister hurt you?

Sana’s “You all follow really predictable mating rules.” and Eleonora’s hesitation before saying “fregne” have the same energy. Yet neither of them backs off.

“Grigliamo la testa a Rodi”/”Let’s grill Rodi’s head” top notch group chat name (considering all the flak “Le matte” got from Gio earlier)

looking like “sfigate allucinanti”, the worst catastrophe that could possibly befall a group of outcast-ish girls who are widely considered losers already, seeing as one is a cheating whore, one is fat, one is hysterical, one is the new girl and then there’s Sana

“Everybody livin the vida loca in this group, huh?” Eva, you hate weed. You went on a crusade against your boyfriend because

Poor Silvia, panicking already. Sana, she doesn’t “talk a lot” she’s ANXIOUS, c’mon girl, you’re smarter than that

re: Silvia talking a lot and Silvia more in general, I couldn’t help but think of this post and the article it links to. Silvia is torn between being a cool girl, the one everyone adores, so the one who gets (in her idealized picture of it) all the respect, attention and love she craves, and being low-maintenance because she’s probably been taught that careful politeness of proper, refined girls, who don’t make scenes, always look perfect and never ask for too much (which has probably something to do with her sister Francesca as well). It doesn’t come naturally to her, so she ends up trying way too hard, sounding needy and talking too much and all the other things (mostly) Sana tells her to stop doing in the first few episodes.

And because she wants to get Edoardo, Silvia does her best to change herself into the low-maintenance girl: she’s fine with him just visualizing her texts, she’s fine with just sex with no date beforehand or anything, she’s fine with not going to his place even though it means have has lo lend her her family’s house, she’s fine with maybe coming and with maybe making Edoardo come, she’s fine with not using a condom even though she’s not on contraception. She’s low maintenance. Then he says those awful thing to her and she probably snaps, understands on some level that she’s not fine, but represses it as fuck and works to be even less maintenance, and ever more perfect: she curbs another kind of hunger, the hunger for food and starts going down the eating disorders road, until she has another breakdown. We see too little of her in S2 to gauge how she’s doing, but I hope the girls are helping her recover a bit, despite the fact that at the beginning they’re actually the ones who suggest toning herself down. ETA: this post is also kind of relevant to the work Silvia puts in to be attractive to Edoardo, in particular when it says “women are expected to aspire toward passivity while improving their bodies and minds for winning a sexual competition”.

Federica, on the other hand, is the exact opposite: she’s not afraid to take up space, physical or otherwise, she’s loud and unapologetic, she is hungry for food and for fun and for sex (see the spoon scene with Marti or the kiss to a stunned Chicco Rodi) and she’s not going to pretend she’s not to make people around her feel more comfortable; actually, she’s the one who most often makes people uncomfortable. It’s really good that Silvia has her and we never see Silvia complain about her like she does about Sana or Eva when they deviate from her ideal of who her friends should be.

So, after that rant, let’s go back to Fede leaving the girls speechless with her spiel about paying back the weed with sexual favors, which just proves the point I made above.

in the meantime, Eva lies unconvincingly to Gio, and I reiterate: Giovanni Garau con la U perché sei sardo, don’t you realize that if you can spot a lie in Eva’s words from the other side of Rome, she probably can spot your lies? So given how mad you get, how can you blame her for being angry and paranoid?

this is the catwalk episode, first the Villa guys outside school, everyone looking at them first, then just the girls squad minus Ele; now the girls, first down the deserted road (cause they’re not popular), then under Chicco Rodi’s and Canegallo’s watchful gaze

the disgusted look Eva gives Canegallo as soon as she gets in, good shit right there 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Sana surely draws attention to herself, which is not nice except that if she wasn’t so “unusual” she wouldn’t have caught Edoardo’s eye either and the girls wouldn’t have introduced themselves to him, so really, Silvia, shut up

ELEONORA VOLUNTARILY INTRODUCED HERSELF AND SHOOK EDOARDO’S HAND baby no (I mean, he’ll forget anyways, but for that exact reason honey, don’t)

Federico Canegallo laying it on thick from the very first moment, offering the girls salsicce and thank God Eva wasn’t alone or God knows what horrible, misogynistic pun he’d have made

WHO EVEN MAKES FRUIT PUNCH IN ITALY?

creepy Canegallo make another silent appearance cheering on Sara and Laura as they play beer pong so they can get drunker and drunker

the girls cheering on Silvia like it’s the final of the 2006 Football World Cup

aaaand creepy Canegallo being a creep

idk he just strikes me as a douche and rude and lewd so I just always find him creepy

oh, Fede, I know you’re just trying to be supportive, but girl, if your friend is uncertain about going with a boy or not, you should not push her! ffs, do they know nothing about consent? (Answering my own question: no!)

FILO! My lovely Filippo is calling! And Ele is all worried, rushing off and even leaving Eva alone, when we know she’d never do that if something wasn’t pretty seriously wrong… oh, Filo, what happened to you? I hope that Jack didn’t get hurt.

“You know, I mostly go out with my boyfriend.” a nice, natural, smooth way to throw that in, Eva.

Fede has her priorities straight: she drops the boy she was hoping to get the minute her friends need her, but she still goes and gets herself a kiss

Bechdel test: the episode passes the test. There’s the conversation outside school between Silvia and Eva then all the girls minus Eleonora get there and Sana roasts Silvia’s social media habits, but the rest of that scene is dominated by Edoardo and Federico, there’s the conversation between Eva and Eleonora as soon as they get to the party about Laura and Sara. Technically some parts of the conversation at the Baretto pass the test too, but it’s like two lines at a time (about the weed, about Silvia being talking too much), but 98% of that scene is dedicated to either the Villa guys, Edoardo or Fede’s friend who sells weed, plus there’s the phone chat between Eva and Gio.

This post is part of my complete series of meta about Skam Italia season 1.   If you’d like to read more of my thoughts about the other episodes, you can find the mastepost linked in the top bar on my blog under SKAMIT: EVA. Cheers!

[swampgallows]

i need to practice driving but i always feel so FUCKING tired. this whole week ive just been exhausted to all fuck. my jaw hurts today. all my teeth hurt. everything hurts. i hurt emotionally and spiritually and i need to overcome being paralyzed with shame about the dentist. im scared she will yell at me (she never would) or do a bad job (she hasnt so far) that will leave me in more pain, like my first dentist. i have to save my teeth while i can but im also terrified of how much it will cost. but i know i cant live like this. and i know it’s not entirely my fault because my dad’s teeth are the same, as were his dad’s teeth, and i’m just stuck with their genetics. ive been brushing my teeth and using my waterpik and wearign my mouthguard every night and i deep disinfect it every sunday in mouthwash and im unfortunately not able to adjust my diet much, but ive been drinking more water, and if i drink soda or juice i have a glass of water with me to chase every sip. even when i drink milk i follow up with water. the problem is i think most of the damage is already done. i can barely eat without being scared i’ll shatter my teeth, and theyre so sharp and pitted it makes it hard to chew anything. 

my dad always says one of his regrets was that he didnt take better care of his teeth, and i feel the same way, but we’re also fucked by our genetics. i mean, his dad had dentures by 17 and soda n shit barely even existed in fucking uhhhh 1930? 

i just feel like a fuckign failure. my body is shit, my brain is shit, my spirit is shit, my heart is shit, my mind is shit. it’s just all fucking shit. 

i just feel like i’m stuck at a dead end. i looked up my code school subscription today to make sure it wasn’t going to charge me for another year and i just thought wow, another thing i fucking failed at. sure i could learn python. but why? what for? still had no idea what i’d even use it for. i had no practical application for it. i dont know what kind of programs id write. i dont want to write programs. i dont want to make video games or work in software. i dont give a shit about computers. i dont care about anything. i dont want to do anything. i dont want to live any more.

im still awaiting the last few people for the zine to write me back. i’m still researching what im gonna do in terms of pre-orders, but i think im gonna have to just host on my own marketplace like tictail or bigcartel or something and then distribute them on my own. once i finish my initial layout for the zine i can finalize a version for the other publisher, then depending on the number of preorders ill send it off to whichever publisher can fulfill the order. lulu has an option to sell through their marketplace but i think i’ll just do it myself either way (since printninja will have to ship to me first, and then i ship out individually).

im having a lot of anxiety about it because my parents were psyched about the project and then just like... id ont know how to explain it, they dont fucking listen to me when i talk and get a wrong idea in their head about what it is that im doing and then act really disappointed when i remind them of the actual reality of  my project. my dad thought i was illustrating a medical journal. 

im just sick of being a failure. im sick of never being good enough.

im sick of writing and im sick of complaining and im sick of being in pain.

maybe i want a beauty and the beast fantasy because i want someone to just take me away from here. i want to end up in a situation where no, i cant come home, no, i dont know when im going to be home, it’s out of my control, just as an excuse to not have to answer to anybody about where i am, and whoever takes me will be tall and strong and powerful, and they can take me to a place where i can ride my bike freely, where i can run through a field of flowers, where i can get access to resources and environments to maintain my health. i need to be uprooted from this blight so i can stop inhaling black mold, but i have nowhere to go and no one to go with. if i were whisked away then i wouldnt have to make the choice. 

the ancient magus bride is a female fantasy for a reason.

[chocolatemillkk]

Keeping Secrets II(CM)

A/N: So I had a couple requests for Keeping Secrets part deux and I was initially going to say no but thennnn I thought why not 🤷🏻‍♀️. No one likes sad endings anyway 💙

The thing about Conor, the thing that was my favourite thing about him and the thing that made it the hardest to be with him was this: he felt things deeply. It took me a while after meeting him that he hid behind being funny as it was his way of coping. But every emotion he felt, he felt strongly.

When he was happy, he was ecstatic. When he was sad, it was easy for him to get borderline depressive. When he was stressed, it would consume him. And when he was angry, he would be furious. This is the first time I felt Conor being sad and angry at me and I knew somewhere out there, Conor was feeling it deeply and not telling a single person about it. Because that was the thing about him too-you had to pull the emotions out of him like a stubborn tooth at the dentist.

It was three weeks since the news leaked and he hadn't come home. Not when I was there. I noticed a few of his clothes and belongings were gone, probably taken when he knew I was out. I felt like a plastic version of myself those three weeks-numb, hollow, and feeling like a fake. I couldn't believe I left the truth of what happened between Jack and I as a secret. Conor was right, if I explained it to him it wouldn't have gotten this bad. It wouldn't have gotten leaked for him to find out.

And the leak. I went over and over that in my head. I told one person about my one night-my sister-but I was so sure she didn't tell.

I wake up on Monday and check my phone just in case Conor's decided to break his silent pact and finally talk to me. But the last message was sent from me last week and there is nothing new. I burrow back in bed and try to fall back asleep even though it was late.

When my phone rings I snatch it and pick it up

"Hello?" I say eagerly.

"Hey babe," comes my sister's voice. She was on vacation the last few weeks so I'd texted her multiple times to call me when she could. I guess now she finally had. "I think I know why you want to talk."

I couldn't tell if her voice was traced with guilt or pity but my overactive mind pins it to guilt. "You told didn't you?"

"Are you kidding me Y/N? I'm your bloody sister why would I tell?"

"Then why do you sound so guilty?"

"I don't! Jeez! Have you even gotten out of the house since it happened?"

"Of course I had." Meetings and events. "Did you tell anyone?"

"No! Y/N I'm worried about you! Come over to my place this week, you need to leave your flat for a bit. There's too much of Conor there."

His name brings back a flood of emotion. "I'm sorry. I'm just upset and Conor still hasn't talked to me I don't even know where we stand. And you were the only person I told so-"

"Don't you think Jack must've told a big-mouth?"

I feel stupid for not realising that. I was so obsessed with my own side of it I forgot Jack could have been the reason for the leak. Even though he tried calling me and even showed up at the flat, I skipped his calls and pretended I wasn't home.

I talk to my sister a while longer, asking about her vacation, and promising I would visit. Then I finally get out of bed with a purpose: track down Jack and make him hear it.

In front of Jack's door, I don't even bother to collect my breath. My mind was whirring with everything it'd collected the last three weeks of staying in the flat without Conor, without knowing where we stood. I was furious. It's a stretched-out moment before Jack opens and as soon as I see his stupid face everything comes out.

"Who did you tell Jack? Who did you tell about that one night? Because that person went out and betrayed you and everyone you care about for their ten seconds of fame? What-"

"Hold up-wait, Y/N," Jack tries to get me to quiet down but his attempts fall flat. He glances down the hall and pulls me into the flat but that doesn't stop the accusations coming out of me.

"Why did you do it Jack? Because of you Conor won't even talk to me! He won't even respond with a single fucking text! All because we agreed to keep our past a secret and you told the wrong people!"

"I know!" Jack explodes. That quiets me. "I know it was my fault! All of it! I'm the one that told you to keep Conor in the dark and I'm the one who let it slip. I know who went to the papers and I've dealt with-"

"Who?" I demand.

"You don't know them," Jack assures me.

"Well that makes me feel even better," I laugh sarcastically. "I hope you feel great about all that's happened! Because I've been miserable! God, I wish that night never happened!"

"Don't you think I feel the same way?" Jack shouts. "Conor is in a really shitty place right now too-do you think I feel good when I look at him? He barely talks to me too!"

"You see Conor? You know where he is?" I ask. "I texted you asking!"

Jack runs his hand through his hair. "I promised not to tell-"

"The least you could have done was tell me!" I jab him in the chest. "Then at least I could stop worrying if he was okay! You're the most selfish person I know Jack! Now more than ever-"

My sentence dies out when I sense Jack watching over my shoulder at somebody there. It's like my body just knew without turning, like I had some built in sixth sense without even turning around.

"Your girlfriend is crazy," Jack brushes past me and I hear the front door slam shut. I remain with my back to Conor-I knew it was Conor.

"Y/N," he says. His voice sounds tired and hoarse, like he hadn't used it much in a while. And maybe like he was sick. I turn slowly to him. I feel like I'd been looking to this moment for weeks, when I would see Conor and be able to explain myself. But seeing him here-that he'd been here the whole time-infuriates me.

"You were staying with Jack," I say. A simple statement. But also, an accusation.

"For a couple weeks," Conor's gaze remains on my face. It's like he's trying to gauge what I was feeling.

"Why didn't you text me? To tell me you were safe?"

Conor shrugs. "I dunno."

"That's not acceptable Conor." I feel myself falling apart. "It's not okay what I did-that's a whole other issue. But to walk out and go three weeks without even giving me an update? I was worried out of my mind. I didn't know where you were or what state you were in. For all I know you could drank yourself into the side of the road and-"

In two steps Conor's walked up to me and the closeness of him cuts my rant short.

"I'm okay," Conor says. He still has his pokerface on. He doesn't reveal what he was really feeling.

"Well I know that now," I say to him. The closeness made me dizzy. Inhaling him, even though he smelt like he hadn't taken a shower-but being this close was intoxicating. I want to close the gap between us but there was so much to talk about. There was so much still between us even if I closed that physical gap. So I step back and sit on Jack's couch. I lean against the back and close my eyes, gathering my thoughts.

"I'm sorry I didn't let you know," Conor speaks after a moment. "I didn't know if I even wanted to talk to you ever again."

The words run through me like a knife. But they were the truth.

"At first I was angry and then I was just upset. And I was disappointed. I felt fooled and I hated you and my brother."

The words twist the blade but I stay put, watching Conor talk.

"I read through your texts by the way. I found time to process. I finally talked to Jack last weekend. He told me everything and it matched up."

It stings, once again, that he didn't believe my words. That he had to confirm with Jack. Why was Jack letting off so easily?

"I still need some time though. I need to sort through what I want."

"Con," I stand up again to face him. "Nothing's changed with me. I'm still the same Y/N you met. Because when we met, those things had already happened and they were in the past forgotten." This time I step towards Conor and place my hand on arm. "I'm sorry the way these things turned out. I'm sorry for hurting you this much but I love you. I really want you to come home. I need you to come home."

Conor looks down at my hand on his arm and I watch his throat bob up and down as he swallows.

"I can't, not yet." Conor's voice shakes with repressed tears. I feel my own tears spring up.

I move my hand to his face and he looks at me. Every single emotion is etched into his face and I read him like a book. The book tells the story of the last three weeks and the sadness and the pain forces my tears to spill over onto my face. Conor's hand immediately goes up to wipe them away and then catching himself, he steps away.

"You should go," Conor says quietly. I'm frozen in place, unable to process. A moment goes by, then another, and finally my foot takes one step towards the door. I shuffle to it and look back once more at Conor.

"I love you. Please remember that." I tell him.

Conor nods and turns to go back to the bedroom. So I leave, my heart left behind on the living room floor of Jack's flat.

•••

Another week goes by. I visit my sister and stay for a few days, I go out for coffee with a few friends and try to take my mind off Conor. He needed time and I would give him that space. But falling asleep in an empty bed always made it hard to completely forget.

On the Friday of that week, I'm sat at my sister's when my phone rings with Conor's picture.

"Conor," I answer. My heart races.

"Baby," Conor slurs. "Can you get me?"

I get up immediately and my sister gives me a questioning look. "Where are you?"

"I dunno," he sniffles. "I need you."

"Are you hurt?" I ask.

"No more than usual," Conor jokes. At least there was that, I think.

"Stay where you are," I say.

I hang up and explain to my sister who waves me away. I call Jack who tells me Conor was with Josh and Joe. I call Josh who tells me he stayed home and Joe picks up on the third ring. He left Conor with a girl at a bar. My heart drops.

"You left him with a girl?" I ask.

"Uh," Joe realises his confession. "Not like that. At least...I don't think...she asked for a picture it wasn't...."

"Well glad to know Conor has such good friends," I roll my eyes even though Joe can't see. Ignoring Joe's protests I hang up. He left a very drunk Conor with a fan-as if that could end well.

I find the club after driving for fifteen minutes and wait to get inside. I think I see Conor twice but each time it's a random bloke. There's a queue for the toilets so I walk to the green-haired guy standing at the front, I had a feeling.

"The guy who's in there-what does he look like?"

"Mate I don't know," he's also drunk and looking at me like I was wasted. "He looked average?" I glare at him and take a menacing step towards him. "I dunno! Brown hair? White shirt...he kept turning to me to talk about his girlfriend or something I-"

That's all I need to hear. Like I said, sixth sense. Ignoring the angry shouts from the queue I march into the men's toilets and find Conor with his elbows on the sink and his head in his hands.

"Y/N," he looks surprised to see me. "Why are you here?"

"You called me?" I try to reign in the irritation but I can't. He was with a girl. I gave him time but he was with a girl.

"I want to go home," he moans.

"Is Jack at home?" I ask. I doubted Conor kept keys to the flat.

Conor grabs my by the shoulders and slumps over, his forehead on mine. "I want to go home." He urges. Even though his breath was atrocious I understood. He finally wanted to go home.

"Let's go," I wrap my hand around his waist and guide him out.

Conor leans on me for support so it's a slow walk back out and to the car. I shove an empty mcdonald's bag at him in case he had to be sick and start the drive home.

"I love you." Conor slurs in the passenger seat. His head rests against the window but he turns to look at me. "You're the girl I want."

I don't say anything. If Joe was right, it may have taken another girl to realise that.

"Why aren't you talking?" Conor reaches out to brush my hand. "Sorry."

"I'm just concentrating," I lie. He slumps back against the window and we drive in silence.

Getting him into the flat takes another decade and getting him to drink a cup of coffee is a struggle. I give up eventually and tell him we would talk in the morning. He falls asleep on the couch and I sleep on our bed, peaceful because I knew where Conor was, but worried because of the potential incident of that evening.

•••

I wake to the feeling that someone was watching me. When I open my eyes, Conor lays on top of the sheets, his hand hovering over my face.

"Sorry," he says sheepishly.

"S'alright," I take his hand and hold it against me. "You sleep well?"

"For the first time in a while," he admits. He slips his hand out of mine and curls my hair behind my ear.

"I had to call Joe yesterday to find out where you were," I blurt out. "He said he left you with a girl."

Conor sits up and chuckles. "Some fan wanted a picture but I'm sure I looked wasted. I'll probably become a meme or something."

I nod in relief. "So you're home now?" I ask slowly.

"If you want me home...." Conor licks his lips. "I think I-I overreacted but it's because of the way I found out. You were right though, if you had told me earlier it wouldn't have bothered me this much. I still would have felt the same way. I'm sorry for putting you through all that. I just felt betrayed finding out like that. But I know you and Jack would never do something like that to hurt me. I get that now."

I sit up and wrap my arms around Conor. He pulls me into his lap and holds me tight against him. I apologise too, for him finding out that way.

"So I guess I should confess now what went on between your sister and me," Conor mumbles in my ear.

I hit him on the shoulder. "That is not funny!" But h belly-laughs at my reaction and falls back onto the bed, taking me down with him. Tangling limbs and whispering promises of love to one another, we spend the morning softly reconnecting and remembering what we loved most about each other.

[modernart2012]

I Look at You (And See the Rest of My Life In Front of My Eyes)

for @clrac0​ Happy (belated) birthday gift, I hope you like it. Ily <3

Bakugou has feelings. They get completely out of hand. He can't say he really minds.

On AO3

Note: This is in the same Universe as “How Todoroki Enji Died”. It actually starts the three days prior to that fic (aka, the day Izuku and Shouto are caught kissing), and this fic clears up what Shouto was in a hurry to attend to.... [THIS IS THE WEDDING IZUKU MENTIONS AT THE END OF THAT FIC]

Many many thanks to @istehlurvz for letting me borrow her long haired! Post grad! Kirishima for a character design reference. Please go check them out, her art is so beautiful.

Many thanks to @sofour for the beta <3

Title from quote (same title) from unknown.

Those unmitigated fuckers. TOP HEROES DEKU AND SHOUTO CAUGHT KISSING. Bakugou set off a controlled explosion to incinerate the newspaper crumpled in his hand, then grabbed the nearest packet of gum and tossed a handful of pieces into his mouth because if he ground his teeth anymore his dentist would get pissed off and then Ei would be disappointed and fuck that shit it wasn’t to be borne.

“Aww, babe,” Eijirou smoothed a kiss to his furiously working jaw, soft affection that dulled the edge of Bakugou’s irritation. His hair was smoothed into a ponytail, his usual black tank exchanged for a more appropriate button up, and fuck everything ever Eijirou still looked hot. “Think of it this way, they’re going to be hounded by paparazzi nonstop now.” Well. That - that served Deku and Half-n-Half right. Eijirou beamed at him from over the back of the couch, and whatever he saw made him dip back in for a quick kiss, still smiling. The hair framing Eijirou’s face, too short to go back in his ponytail too long to be anything but a stylistic choice, tickled Bakugou’s cheeks like the edge of a soft crimson curtain. He scowled and Eijirou laughed, lighting up like he’d just discovered something new.

 “Shut the fuck up Shitty Hair.” Another kiss, to his nose, and even after so long it was disorienting to be the recipient of such unwavering affection. He chewed the wad of gum in his mouth harder, working off the ansty jangle of his nerves because there was abso-fucking-lutely nothing to be anxious about (yet).

 “I love you too Blasty.” Eijirou checked the clock, before jogging towards the door, “I gotta go, I’m gonna be late! See you after my shift!”

 “You’re always late, Hair-for-Brains.” Bakugou muttered. “Oi, hold up.” He grabbed the bento he had made earlier, then shoved it into Eijirou’s hands. “Come back safe, Ei.”

 There was that damned smile again, so damn warm. Fucking hell. “Will do, Katsuki!” Another kiss, and Bakugou cupped Eijirou’s face between his hands and lingered, knowing the feel of Eijirou in his bones after so long. They parted slowly, and Eijirou rubbed their foreheads together, brushed noses before disengaging. Bakugou clamped down on the need to go chasing after more, trail after and lick into Eijirou’s mouth, keep him here until the snarling, possessive, feral thing in Bakugou’s chest calmed and settled. “I’ll be home for dinner, promise.” Then he was out the door, ponytail waving behind him like a vermillion flag. He chewed his gum harder, discomfited and exposed, and tried not to think of the feel of that hair twined around his fingers like scarlet rope.

 He grabbed his jacket and bag, fired off a text to Round Face. Then he strode out of their house, purposefully, trying to leave his feelings in the dust.

  “You know, Bakugou, of all the people you could have called, I’d never have expected you to contact me.” Uraraka was a fucking menace, why the fuck did he call her again. He glared at the storefront, felt as she squared up beside him like it was another team up and the store was the villain. Oh right, that.

 “Shut the fuck up, Round Face. You’re back up.” Uraraka smiled dagger sharp and knowing, and Bakugou snarled since he knew that face and it meant whatever the fuck next happened it’d end up in the ear of everyone in the hero course before midnight. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and marched into the store, Uraraka right behind.

 It was immediately clear that he should never have trusted Yao-bitch on this, because this was an old school joint with it’s bright lights and velvet cases and customers wearing designer clothes that were worth more than his paycheck. He was about to turn on his heel and nope the fuck out of there, but the doorman stopped him, “Mr. McSplode. Welcome. We have your items ready for review. If you and Ms. Uravity would come this way.” The man gestured to a private alcove, and Bakugou had no choice but to follow the directive. He was going to give Yao-bitch a fucking piece of his mind when he was done here, fucking hell. “Haruhi will be right out with your items.” With a bow the doorman was gone and Uraraka was sparkling determinedly.

 Bakugou narrowed his eyes at her. “Don’t.”

 Uraraka simpered at him, “Don’t what, Bakugou? Talk about the fact that you asked Momo for jewelry store recommendations, and have a special order ready?” She tapped her chin thoughtfully, “I wonder whatever you could have gotten?”

 He opened his mouth to fire back, who the hell was Round Face to play coy, but the shopgirl was coming and he didn’t need to make a scene in front a civilian. Uraraka leaned close as the shopgirl set out the display mat and her materials, whispered, “Let me be your Best Woman and we’ll call it even.” He itched to explode her face off, but old school store, civilians, and Ei would be pissed held his flaring temper in check. Also the fact he was sweating like he had just finished training and a miscontrolled explosion would send them all to kingdom come.

 “Here you go. Ms. Yaoyozoru was very firm that we follow the instructions exactly. It was very difficult to work with the meteorite, but the final effect is quite beautiful.” It better be, he wasn’t paying for crushed diamond and opal shards for it to look bad.

  Uraraka gasped as the rings were set down onto the velvet, the dark metal peeking through clusters and clumps of stone pressed into the surface. “Oh, they look like the night sky!”

 “Of course they do, Round Face.” He had designed them to be such, to sparkle like a thousand stars and planets, streaking across the surface like a million points in the galaxy. Bakugou picked up the closest ring, twisting and turning it under the jewelers loupe and watching the edges catch and reflect the light back in a riot of color, shot through with a dark grey betraying the metal beneath. Damn. He swallowed around his heartbeat, thundering in his throat. He was moving to check the engraving when the front doors of the shop blew in with a massive cloud of smoke.

 The screaming started immediately, all the posh civilian ladies screeching. “God dammit,” he growled as he automatically moved towards the entrance. Fucking civilians screaming, he could barely think with such shrill shitbags around. Uraraka was matching him scanning their smoke-filled surroundings, hands up, when twin clicks of guns made them both pause.

 With a dramatic whoosh the heavy smoke cleared unnaturally - shit-fucking Quirk - and a gun muzzle appeared not even 6 inches in front of his face. “Oh ho ho, what do we have here?” The robber smirked savagely, “Blasty McSplode and Uravity. We’re in luck, men. We’ve got bona fide heroes here as hostages.” This was the leader then. Fucking dick on a stick.

 “Fuck off dickheads, before we make you.” Bakugou snarled, mentally noting that even with Uraraka there he’d have trouble taking out 7 robbers, especially given the guns they were sporting. Two were already herding the customers, removing purses and jewelery by force, two smashing cases and dumping contents into bags, the final two blowing the safe doors with practiced ease. Bakugou shifted, only to have the leader firmly press the gun against his head. His other hand kept the other gun trained on Uraraka.

 “I wouldn’t do that, Mr. McSplode. See, we found a stash of those Quirk-erasing bullets from way back when, and I’ve been itching to try one out. Just to see if they work.” His voice dropped low, a sickly sweet coo,“One more wrong move and you’ll get the distinct honor of being my first test subject.”

 A glance at Uraraka showed she had heard too, and they both slowly put their hands up. “Good, good, we wouldn’t want any unfortunate accidents now would we.” The masks made it hard to pinpoint any major distinguishing characteristics, another point that made his fingers itch to grab their faces and detonate. At least the huddled mass of satin and pearls had quieted into subdued whimpers and sobs, but that was small comfort since it was only 10 in the fucking morning and this was already a shitshow. He had other things to get done today, and this was throwing off his whole timetable.

 “Ehhh, Blasty, this was supposed to be a secret right?” Uraraka murmured through the corner of her mouth, eyes locked on the barrel of the gun.

 “What the - ,” Bakugou began, only to be cut off by Uraraka nodding at the plate glass window at the front of the shop.

 “‘CauseRiotishere.” She let out in a rush, her discomfort slurring her back to her country accent. Bakugou risked a glance out the window. Eijirou was there, and while he looked calm and steady while talking with the police, Bakugou knew that look. Dammit, he didn’t need this too. He frowned significantly, then pointedly moved his eyes to the guns and grimaced.

 “Both of you! Shut up! Now!” The leader, who'd been yelling at the others to hurry up, turned back to knock them both across the face with the butt of the pistol. Bakugou rocked back, more from the force of the blow than actual hurt before whirling and tackling Uraraka to the floor. Just in time, as the plate window shattered inward; Ei had clearly gotten his message and was already at a higher than normal hardness, a midpoint between his regular and ultimate.

 There was a sudden outburst of gunfire, but the bullets bounced off Eijirou’s hardened skin ineffectively into a tinkle of metal against the marble floors in counterpoint to the return of the shrieking ladies. Bakugou knew this even if he didn’t look - there was a reason that Eijirou was called to deal with gun runners and it wasn’t his personality. He rolled to his back and aimed a kick at the knee of whom-the-fuck-ever was standing near - it wasn’t Ei and he gave zero shits after that to figure out who the fuck it was. When that shitwad went down he exploded their face to be extra sure they stayed out.

 Uraraka had done her job and had a few bodies floating on the ceiling, and Ei was dealing with the last three dickrags jsut fine. Bakugou took a moment to admire the sharp points of Ei’s shoulders and elbows , the plates that jutted out and promised pain to whomever was on the wrong side of them. Or right, in the case of the wicked claws on his hands, as they rake through a semi-automatic and shear the thing in two.

 The remaining two-bit thieves give up after that.

 This has pros and cons. Pro: the shitty sheep stop squealing. Con: Ei can now afford to keep sending him Looks. Pro: The shopgirl is now fucking free to take payment. Con: He and Uraraka have to give statements to the police, plus paperwork. Pro: The shop is giving him a generous discount on top of the Yao-bitch discount. Con: They’re being Very Fucking Loud and Ei is Suspicious. Pro: He’s got Ei right there. Con: Ei is right there. ... And he’s gotten a little busted up, superficially. The vaguest tingle of an idea molds, and he’s moving before he can think twice.

 “Oi, Riot.” Bakugou stomps over to where Ei is talking to some shit-for-brains detective. He’s got zero fucks to give that he’s interrupting, and minus infinity fucks that he’s pretty sure he’s about to do something majorly fucking stupid. Or not so stupid since Uraraka’s shot him a double thumbs up and discretely passed him a ring box on his way past. Fucking hell, he is going to have to make her his fucking Best Woman. “They were using fucking anti-Quirk bullets.” He ignores the way the detective swears, and keeps soldiering on cause if he stops then his heart may just give the fuck out. Whomever the fuck said his nitroglycerin sweat would keep him from having a heart attack was a fucking liar. “Even with Quirk, you gotta go see Recovery Girl.”

 Ei eyes him conflicted, that Look where he knows that Bakugou is saying something different under what he’s saying out loud and while Ei’s spent over a decade becoming fluent in Bakugou-ian, it’s failing Ei now and he’d appreciate a helping hand in deciphering things. “She’s at U.A. right now, and since we both need to get checked - “

 The detective waved them away. “Red Riot, Blasty, we’ve got everything under control and know where to find you for follow up and paperwork. We’ll send Uravity once we have all the villains in custody.” Right. The idiots still floating.

 “Ttch. Whatever. Come on Riot.” He stomped off, hoping Uraraka takes the other box, credit card, and his receipt. It's now or never, and if he sweats any fucking harder he's going to spontaneously combust, shit. He can hear Ei call his farewells, his clunky boots thumping against the sidewalk as he caught up to Bakugou, but he’s otherwise silent and it grates.

 The minute they’re completely out of sight and there are no witnesses, Bakugou pushes Eijirou into an alley. “Blasty - .”

 Bakugou throws up his hand, knowing that it won’t do much to pause Ei if he really wanted to know. He is not fucking prepared for this, and if what comes out of his mouth is Japanese it’ll be a goddamned miracle. “Ei. Fuck, I don’t know how to say this - “ his hands fired off a few small pops, and he snarled internally at the unconscious display of nerves. Ei might have had trouble earlier, but that was always a dead giveaway to his feelings. And fucking damn shit, wasn’t he supposed to be on one knee and presenting the ring? Bakugou fumbled out the box from his pants pocket and thrust it at Ei, trusting him to catch the fucking airborne box when it slipped from his sweat-slick hands and tumbled. His heart was thundering in his ears and his mouth was dry and time was going too fast. “Fuck.”

 He watched in terror as Ei opened the box, the way Ei’s brow furrowed then smoothed into surprised delight as he gazed into the little velvet box, and Bakugou explicitly wanted to flee screaming obscenities into the wilderness and never come back to civilization. He was pretty sure he could cut it as a warrior monk.

 “Katsuki. Katsuki - I- ,” Ei cuts himself off by fisting his hands in Bakugou’s shirt and kissing him wetly. Bakugou wanted to get lost in this, the feel of razor sharp teeth fitting into the scars on the inside of his lower lip and calloused hands fisted in hair, but he was going to fucking do this shit right if it killed him.

 He pulled back, control wavering as he pushed all his conviction into his voice. “Ei, Ei, marry me. Marry me.”

 If Eijirou had looked happy before, he was incandescent with it now. However sharp and animalistic his hero costume - fangs and all - made him, he was always so soft with Bakugou and it ached. If this is what it meant to love and be loved, then he could understand why people searched the world over for it. “Yes. Yes. A thousand times. Yes.” Ei choked out between gulping sobs, cradling Bakugou’s head close to his own, lips brushing.

 The ensuring kiss, chaste and soft and wanting was like landing a textbook perfect punch against a villain, the high of a excellent fight. Bakugou wanted to sink into Ei and hollow out a space there, stay warm and close and let Ei do the same to him, bind them both together until there was no discernable difference in where the edges of their souls met, bleeding and blending into one another in a continuous pool of them. He wanted more than anything to stay caught in this moment, to keep exchanging breath and kisses and this feeling of surety, of a compass pointing North and of home. It was broken by the shutter snap of a camera. Or rather, Bakugou snapped out of it but Ei kept kissing him and he was fucking sidetracked okay. Which is the only fucking reason Uraraka gets to chirp, “Annnnnd sent,” without him blowing her to kingdom come.

 Almost in the same instant both their phones began ringing, and if Bakugou’s phone insurance wasn’t exorbitant, it would have exploded the damn things and gone back to making out with Ei, company be damned. But, he’d exploded one too many phones and replacing them put a sizable dent in his pocket, so he kept mashing the end call button. Fuck Iida and fuck Shitty Nerd and fuck Yao-bitch, Pervert, and the rest of them with flaming pikes. He ground his teeth together and tried to recite that fucking sutra the damned monks had drilled into his head second year. It sorta helped, but fuck if he ever actually told anyone that.

 “Hey, Kastuki.” Ei brushed his nose against Bakugou’s cheek, whisper soft like the way he nuzzled close in his sleep, “Marry me?”

 “I already asked you that Hair-for-Brains, isn’t the answer obvious,” Bakugou sneered, but meant yes. It didn’t matter Ei would know.

 Ei was unfazed and pressed a sharp kiss, more grin than finesse to his mouth before returning to his phone. “Can you really get that done Yaomomo? Then, consider us on board!”

 “What are you getting into, Shitty Hair?”

 Ei smiled at him mischievously, “You’ll see, Blasty. Uraraka, can you get him to follow the directions Yaomomo is sending you? Thanks!” Then he ran off, chattering into his phone, leaving poleaxed Bakugou to a maniacally smiling Uraraka.

  By the time Uraraka had finished dragging him around town, it was past dusk and settling into true night. Bakugou was fuming, because he’d planned on a nice dinner, some of that shitty mood lighting Pinkie was always going on about, and maybe enough slow sex that they’d both be sore in the morning. This was not anything like that fucking plan. Also, who the fuck cares about the difference between eggshell and pure ivory in stationary? No one sane could tell the difference and no one sane would notice. It shouldn’t take that long to pick one and move the fuck on.

 Then he came home and Ei was missing, just a note and a cold plate of curry and rice on the counter. He gave a cursory glance over the note - to the point, that Ei would be dealing with some things until the day after tomorrow evening, but warm, using his given name like this was them paired like parenthesis under the kotatsu in the winter and Ei was fuzzy warm and solid beside him. Bakugou sent him a return mail while he warmed up the curry, a thin and sore ‘I’m home’ that didn’t encompass the way that he wanted Ei here to light up the kitchen, to kiss his cheek in welcome and to chide him about his teeth grinding habit. There’s also message on the answering machine where a harried Ei tells him - between bouts of yelling about cake - that due to circumstances he’ll be at Yao-bitch’s and to call her or Uraraka for anything that comes up.

 It doesn’t hit until the next afternoon when he’s juggling filling out paperwork at his agency and talking to his mother on the phone - who wants to know if she ought to wear a kimono or a western dress to the wedding, the invitations were gorgeous and so fancy but the date is so soon, everything must be so stressful, do they need any help with planning? - when it finally clicks that everything adds up to a single answer. He tells his old hag to wear something nice and look proud or whatever, and hangs up to call Yao-bitch for confirmation.

 They must be venue-hunting (and it sounds like everyone is fucking tripping over themselves for the Yao-bitch name) from the way a man in the background keeps pointing out perfectly normal features like ‘the finest floors’ and ‘windows! We have windows!’ like they’re going to make or break the choice. “Yao-bitch,” he snarled into the reciever when she picked up, “Is this wedding western dress only or should the old hag wear a kimono?”

 The lack of negation to the idea that there’s a wedding in the works tells Bakugou everything he needs to know, plus some. He lets Yao-bitch babble about clothes - he’s pretty sure she and Uraraka have conspired to get him into a tux fitting in an hour, given the timing - and then cuts her off, “What the fuck ever. Just, coordinate that shit or something.” He slammed the end call button, then stalked his way to the gym to go hand-to-hand against Uraraka. If he was gonna have to mannequin in some god-forsaken tailor shop for fancy clothes he’s only ever going to need once in his fucking life, he was gonna do so rank. Fuck if he’s gonna let people think he’s someone they can boss around like a shitty Deku.

  He woke up the morning of the wedding - it didn’t feel quite real, that it was his wedding, he was marrying Ei today and that the old hag and Uraraka had the audacity to wake him up at god-awful o’clock in the morning to answer the phone to talk to well meaning relatives offering blessings and good wishes. And he had to be fucking polite, all while Yao-bitch and Pinkie and Lightning Idiot and that other one in their class. What the fuck ever was his name?

 Uraraka thrust a mug of near-boiling coffee into his grip. “Have your coffee Bakugou, you’re grouchy without it.” Her smile made it clear that was an order not a suggestion, and Bakugou flipped her the bird before taking a long draught of the near tar-consistency substance. Whomsoever had tried to mess with his gourmet coffee maker and broken her bad enough she was spitting sludge had better be getting him a new one, fucks sake. He could stick one in the gift registry - did they even have a gift registry? Fucking shit on a duck, where was Yao-bitch or Glasses when you needed them? Who was even in charge of this shitshow anyways?

 “ONE HOUR UNTIL SHOWTIME PEOPLE.” Oh fucking hell, that one[1] . “Mon Dieu, Bakugou! This will not do! Come with me.” Bakugou was very much not going to go with Frenchy- that was hella suspect, alright. He had learned the whole “strangers-candy” thing early in his life and it had never failed him.

 Yao-bitch stuck her head in. “Bakugou, Aoyama is the one who’s going to help you get ready. The tailor had very specific instructions, and Uraraka has to get ready too as your Best Woman.” His Old Hag leveled a competitive smug glare from her perch, her black kimono pressed perfect and laying neatly and hair neatly styled, and Bakugou complied. The unspoken, I cleaned up nicely, but you can’t? was clear. It’d waste too much energy to fight with her now, plus, they only had one hour. His stomach was a ball of nerves, though he’d fight anyone who called him on it. He chugs back the partially-congealed contents on his mug, then slams down the cup and follows after that blonde one.

 “Let’s do this.”

  Miracle of miracles, Sparkly Frenchie got his hair to not look so unruly. There hadn’t been much to work with, undercut and all, but Bakugou had to admit he looked good. His hair was slicked back like the magazine campaign he’d done for a charity, the one where he was wearing a thin-enough-to-be-see-through white tank top and jeans and snarling into the camera, hands raised in explosive threat. The day that magazine had dropped he’d come home to a very enthusiastic Ei. Perhaps not the best memory for the occasion at hand, but still pleasing to recall.

 His charcoal suit fitted perfectly, as did the crimson red tie. He remembered how much his UA tie had felt like a collar, chafing and fucking choking him and this one sort of did too but he’d wear it just this once. For Ei.

 Uraraka poked her face in, hair done up in a fancy crown of braids and face smiling diabolically, “15 minutes, Bakugou. Time to go.” Fucking Sparkles swooned and sang out something in French. Why the fucker didn’t ever just use regular Japanese like the rest of the population was beyond Bakugou, but he breathed in deep instead. He wasn’t going to explode anyone before the ceremony was over.

 Yao-bitch and Iida were both there, prepared with headsets and clipboards and directing people like this was their day job, not heroics. Bakugou ignored the way his hands were sweating profusely, like he was about to storm a villain hideout not - not. Fucking shit, he was a grown ass man, he could say it -

 “Bakugou, you and Kirishima will enter from opposite sides after your respective parents and your Best Men - And Best Woman, I hope you’ve prepared vows, because Mic-sensei has informed me he’s ready to ad lib. All Might is here, but due to his current condition, we’ve placed the handicap access spot near the exit so he can leave if he starts feeling worse.” Yao-bitch checked her clipboard, then nodded firmly, “Of the invited, only Endeavor failed to respond and hasn’t come, Todoroki has no clue why, but he just got a phone call from his father’s agency and should know more shortly. But otherwise, everyone is seated and waiting, let’s get started.” Which. Fuck Endeavor, the self-important prick. This was the wedding of the century and he wasn’t going to come, even as courtesy. The unmitigated ass[2] . Whatever, Bakugou would just make sure to fuck up Endeavor’s shit accidentally-on-purpose whenever he got the chance.

 “Okay, Uraraka and Kaminari, go.” Oh, fuck. Nearly time. Yao-bitch’s voice swam in his ears. “Remember, slow steps. This isn’t a race.” Then a firm hand between his shoulders and he was being propelled down the red and gold candlelit path.

 If you asked him later how he ended up at the altar in front of Mic-sensei, hand-in-hand with Ei, and his parents and Ei’s parents and easily the top 100 of the heroes in Japan (give or take a retired 20 or so) in attendance, he’d have no clue. Nor would he have any clue what Mic-sensei is saying. Mostly he’s trying to pull his attention away from Ei, from that deep buttery grey and sharp red, from the low tie of his ponytail, the brilliant shine of his eyes, and the way Ei looked radiant. Why couldn’t this have been a traditional Japanese wedding, with the sake and the cups? Bakugou would put up with hakama for knowing he didn’t have words to say. But also, Ei was smiling at him like that, beaming like he would never be happier, and Bakugou knows from the bottom of his soul that’s what he wants to see everyday for the rest of his life. No matter that he was probably going to break his heart with the amount of wild nerves going on in his body. Bakugou was sure he was probably flushed red, but he didn’t care.

 Ei leaned close when it became abundantly clear that Mic-sensei was done - apparently Mic-sensei was on the “short and sweet” end of wedding officiants instead of the expected long-winded end, which was a surprise, but given the way he had been attempting to hide his tears this whole time, it might have been expected.

 Oh, shit shit. Vows time, fuck. At least they didn’t have to talk loud enough for everyone to hear, given the way Ei is whispering. “Katsuki, I had a whole speech prepared, but I woke up this morning and even though it’s been a rush to get everything together in time and it seemed like everything was about to fall apart, the only thing I could think of was you, and me, and that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. So, I promise, I’ll reach for you when you’re in need and stay by your side as your ultimate support, to journey with you in all the adventures that are to be had. I can’t wait to start this adventure with you.” And fucking Lightning Idiot and Uraraka have heard, going by the way they’re both fighting back tears. Mic-sensei is outright crying, fucks sake.

 He has to take a deep breath before he begins, because fuuuuck. He knows there’s tears pricking his eyes, and Ei has turned into a slightly blurry red and grey blur and fuuuuck. “Eijirou. Ei. When I think about the person I want to spend eternity with, it’s you that comes to mind. The person I would reach for first, lift up and carry, take on the world with. It’s you. It’s always been you.” It had to be you. He knows it’s short, too short, but what words are there to encompass the fact that there’s no other hand he’d ever reach back for beside Ei’s? No one else he’ll always run to first, no one else he wants to wake him from a nightmare and no one else he’d hold after one of their own. No one else he’d want to cuddle late into mornings when neither of them are on call, no one else he’d wake up early to prepare homemade lunches for. Ei’s his best friend bar none, but there aren’t words - or at least words he needs, because Ei, Ei knows. From the way Ei’s bottom lip is twitching, his eyes are sparkling and the softening corners of his eyes, Ei knows and it doesn’t matter he doesn’t have words to speak in front of people, Ei knows.

 Mic-sensei sobs something, and Uraraka is stabbing him in the kidney with her fucking hand, and oh right. Rings. Bakugou smooths a finger inside it just to be sure, and yeah, there’s the engraving. It’s easy enough to let Ei slip on it’s mate, return the favor and wait for Mic-sensei to collect himself. Attempt to collect himself. Blubber something. Fuck that noise, it’s close enough and will have to do.

 Kissing Ei has always felt like coming home, but this one feels new but also like forever. It’s not fair, to have crowds of people watching and cheering when Bakugou could conceivably stay here forever in this moment and go deeper, longer, if not for said company. The not so subtle kick from Uraraka tells him that’s it’s been too long for polite society anyways, and reluctantly Bakugou surfaces enough to flip her the bird over his shoulder. It mean taking his hands off Ei, but that’s easily rectified.

  The reception drags on and on and on. First the photos in this and that pose, with these people and not those people and just why. Then, the fucking reception line. Whomever invented reception lines ought to have been shot before the idea took off - who needs to thank everyone who came for coming? That’s what the hundreds of thank you notes he’d ordered were for. It’s all worth it when - due to Kaminari having butchered the electrical systems for the sound - Headphones, who volunteered, ends up skipping any performative dances. Ei only knows street dancing styles and Bakugou will never let anyone else live with the damned knowledge he knows how to properly ballroom dance. There’s no way they would have managed anything close to a “first dance” worthy of watching without practice. The only thing still moderately “traditional” is the fact there’s an open bar and an open dance floor. The rest of it - well, there’s a station near the buffet where you can record a speech, but Bakugou can’t care about that, not when Ei’s sparkling like a million fireworks have gone off inside him and set him alight permanently from the inside out. Still, all the conversations drag on and fucking on for a small eternity, all PR smiles and pleasantries, until suddenly Bakugou realizes there’s no one left he absolutely had to speak to for whatever reason.

 This means all the fucking shitty old fogeys have retired, and the only people remaining are around their age and completely fucking blitzed. It sounds like there’s a fucking fight starting, Uraraka shouting and Mineta shrieking and Shitty Deku trying and failing at stopping things from going to blows. Bakugou couldn’t care less. Headphones has taken back control of the tables from the pre-selected playlist, and is playing sappy sappy shit. “Hey, Katsuki, dance with me?” As if he’d ever refuse Ei anything.

 They’re swaying in place, the room a wreck and getting even more wrecked, and he can’t put any other word to his feelings but happy. It’s almost foreign, but this is also good, a new sort of steady Bakugou can find his footing on, bask in and grow in. Ei is singing along with the song, off key and smiling, and their bodies are entwined like two parenthesis smushed together, “I somehow find, You and I collide.”

 “Ei, are you happy?” He speaks without thinking, interspersed by explosions and crashing and he sees the way Ei’s brow furrows then smooths as he understands the question.

 “I’m incandescent.” Ei punctates his comment with a quick peck, smile smug and satisfied with mischief. “I get forever with you after all.”

 It hadn’t struck Bakugou quite until then, that weddings and vows and shit all boiled down to forever, but it feels right, to have a forever with Ei. A fucking lifetime of waking up next to one another, eating together, growing together, stumbling together. It sounds like something he’s only just now realized, but always known, or some other paradox. He doesn’t know where it comes from but he murmurs over the chorus softly, “It had to be you.”

 Ei softens, then tugs him off the dancefloor, carnage still being wreaked, “Come on Katsuki, let’s go home.” Bakugou lets him, willingly follows him out the doors and into the early morning stars and pale hint of dawn, and thinks that yes, this is a forever he could get used to.

[softlenaluthor]

When talking about mental health, and depression specifically, I've seen a lot of talk and understanding for symptoms like social anxiety, hopelessness and a general disregard for one's own feelings and needs. This is all good and fine, obviously, keep doing it, because we all need to hear it! But what I want to talk about right now is self care. Not drinking water, showering and looking into the mirror, telling yourself you look good. I think we've covered that, and we'll continue to cover it. Right now I want to talk about dental care. This isn't something I've come across on this website, even though it's definitely a big topic for me. Me, personally? I've gone through years of not giving a shit about myself (still am) which often resulted in going through a week, brushing my teeth only once. Not only that, but also eating in bed constantly. Take this, and multiply it with days. Weeks. Months. Years. I know there's a lot wrong in there. I'm anxious and afraid to go to the dentist. I'm afraid of rejection, maybe, but mostly I'm just fucking embarrassed and disappointed and disgusted with myself. I have cavities. I have rotting teeth. It's a mess in there. Of course, I can argue that I wasn't in the state of mind to take care of myself. But that doesn't take the rot away. It doesn't take the emotional, but also physical pain away, because my tooth hurts so bad right now. I just feel so much shame right now, but I know I have to go to the dentist. I feel shame about having to go to a dentist that specializes in people who are afraid of going to the dentist. But I still felt inclined to make this post. If anyone reads this, knowing that they're in the same position as I am, please know you're not alone. You're not an embarrassment. You did not do this to yourself. You do not need to punish yourself with the pain and say, "I deserve this." I hope you find the strength within you to make that call and set the appointment. I hope you find the strength to calmly explain the situation, your fear, and your desire to start anew. Realistically speaking, dentists have seen a lot. I think they want to help you. They didn't get into the profession to only help clients with perfect teeth, did they? I'm still struggling with this topic, I'll be perfectly honest about that. But I just wanted to try and talk about it. If this reaches at least one person who recognizes themselves in this story, this post will have served its purpose.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #308

“you don’t need treats, and you don’t need tricks, and you don’t need me.”

Middle name? Marie. Or Marie Catherine, if we're technical, but as someone who loooong left Catholicism and never even agreed with many aspects of it in the first place, I don't like to include it. If you're confused, there's a ceremony called Confirmation, and while I honestly don't even remember the details of it, you adopt the name of a saint you want to stand for, kinda. I chose Catherine just because I liked the name outta my other options. Democrat/republican/other? I classify myself as Independent because I really don't relate well enough to either, but I do know I'm becoming more and more liberal with time. Do you dress according to your mood? My mood? No. I dress with what I feel like wearing at that time, but my actual mood has nothing to do with it. Are you good at doing hair/make up? No. Are you always worried or stressed about something? 24/7, my friend. Can you swim? Yeah. Are you afraid of needles? I don't like them, but I'm not afraid of them. How many kids do you want? Zero. Long/short nails? I keep mine short. Do you like wearing hats? No. Does mall Santa Clauses or Easter bunnies freak you out? Nah, I loved seeing Santa as a kid. :') Would you consider yourself clumsy? I am RIDICULOUSLY clumsy. Do you like when a guy picks you up in his arms? In concept, but I ain't easy to pick up anymore lmao. Do you like hairless cats? I do!! Females, anyway, for... obvious reasons lol. Not having fur makes some things waaay too ~obvious~ otherwise. I would love a sphynx. Do you like the color yellow? No; it's actually one of my most disliked colors. Have you ever seen a cat have a hairball? Yeah. Have you ever had a tooth pulled? Not by a dentist, no, just by myself as a kid when I was losing my baby teeth. When someone says don’t look do you look? It depends on why they're telling me to not look. Have you ever played spin the bottle? No. If you had to name three important details about you, what would you say? I'm a very emotional person, I need a lot of "me" time, and to be aware of my social anxiety so not every interaction I have is perceived as just a dumpster fire. What are your three biggest insecurities? My creativity, my goddamn body, and my lack of social skills. If you could write anonymous letters to three people, who would you send it to and what would you say? Ummm. I can only think of people I miss and don't WANT to be anonymous... Favorite photo of yourself? A senior prom picture I don't have anymore. I looked so, so happy and fuck my low self-esteem, gorgeous. Who are you disappointed with right now? I'm like, permanently disappointed in myself lol. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? No. My minimum is 21. What question do you hate to answer? "Are you a virgin?" because it's just a confusing answer. It doesn't sound like one at all, but trust me on this. The subject of sex just makes me uncomfortable anyway, so even if I was confident in the answer, I wouldn't want to talk about it. What’s your most listened to song? I don't have a way of actually finding that out, but I'd say I've been listening to "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli quite a lot lately. If you were a performing artist, what would you title your first album? I mean, I don't know. It would depend on what was going on in my life and head at the time. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom? A nice car for Mom. She's had the same shitty car for yeeeeeaaaaarrrrrssssss now because she just can't afford a new one; hell, this one was free. A dance friend hit a deer, so the front of the car is messed up, and she bought a new one, but because the car itself was still functional, she gave it to my mom. Mom is so loved at the studio. The car just has various issues by this point, like trouble starting, accelerating, it's bumpy, etc., so it's way past time for a new one. Do you like licorice? NOOOOOOOOOO that's a big 'ole "ew." Have you ever visited your country’s capital city? No, but I've seen it from a distance when riding up to NY. When was the last time you were outdoors for over an hour? WOW. I couldn't even try to guess. What is the shortest amount of time you’ve lived somewhere? The house I was born into. I actually don't know how long Mom and Dad lived there, but I was only in that house as a very little baby. I have zero memories of it. What’s your favorite kind of mint? (Peppermint/wintergreen/spearmint/etc.) ... There's a difference? lol I guess peppermint? What was the last thing to frustrate you? I wanted to draw yesterday, but I didn't know what to draw to even get started. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Did any of your family members serve in WWII? I don't believe so? Well... maybe my grampa did? I don't remember. What’s your favorite kind of salad? Gimme an Olive Garden salad and I will deadass eat the whole bowl. Are you more realistic or idealistic? I'd say I'm more realistic with most things. Are you currently borrowing something from someone? No. Is anyone currently borrowing anything from you? No. What is your last name’s heritage/country of origin? Ireland. When did you last buy a new pair of shoes? What kind? I got new flipflops a year or so back because my old Rainbows were so worn out and blackened my feet. Have you ever experienced culture shock while traveling? If so, where? No. Are you able to see the stars at night where you live? I actually haven't checked since moving here. We're in the suburbs though, so it's questionable. Do you include your middle initial in your signature? Not unless it's required, usually. I think. When's the last time I physically signed anything, anyway? What brand of computer do you have? It's an Acer Nitro. What operating system does that computer run? Windows 10. What’s the oldest piece of clothing that you still own and wear? I don't really know, given how much my weight has fluctuated. Went drastically up, went down, now it's back up. .-. I still own a handful of shirts I want to "shrink back into" from late HS and early college times, but yeah, I don't know if I'll actually achieve that. Is the area in which you live flat, hilly, or mountainous? Flat as my ass. What is your significant other or best friend’s ring tone? No one on my phone has a "special" ringtone. Where do you keep your hair brush? There's a comb I use in a drawer in the bathroom. Which pair of shoes have you owned the longest? Multiple pairs of Converse, also from high school. When’s the last time you were sick at the same time as someone else? I'm very happy to say I don't even recall the last time I was sick. My immune system is the fuckin GOAT. What did you have for breakfast this morning? A pb&j. We've got very little rn, but thankfully Mom's picking up our Wal-Mart order today. Last time you were in pain? If I'm standing, you can bet my legs hurt, so. What color is your mom’s hair? It's growing back totally gray now. Is that also your hair color? Well, no, I'm only 25. Do you watch any daily vloggers on YouTube? Who? No. I watch people who vlog occasionally, but not regularly. It's gotta be people I'm very into to really be interested in vlogs. What room of your house do you usually do your surveys in? Sigh, I'm always in my bedroom. Really hoping Mom and I muster up the motivation to clean up the extra room soon to turn it into my "dayroom" or "office," if you will. What do you put on your tacos? I hate tacos. What is your favorite stuffed animal and where did you get it? I have a bittersweet connection to the adorable plush meerkat Jason gave me for Valentine's our first year together; I always slept with it when we were together by apart, and for a year or so after the breakup. It was a source of comfort for me, so I'm really fond of it. Fella's fur is so worn out and matted down with age and lots of love. He's on my dresser now, towards the front of all my plushies. Last thing you hung up on your wall? My Illidan poster, I believe. Do you have a full length mirror? Yeah, on the back of my door. Is it currently raining? No, finally. It's been raining for like a fuckin week, it seems like. It's finally a clear day. It's nice to hear birds outside. Does anyone you live with talk in their sleep? Does this happen often? I'M the one doing the talking/screaming in my sleep. Thanks, nightmares. When was the last time you cried, or felt tearful? I'm not positive, but I know I had a pretty rough PTSD night not too long ago where I teared up. Did you wake up with a song stuck in your head today? What was it? Ohhh yes; I've been listening to Mother Mother's "Ghosting" on repeat because it's jammed up there. When was the last time you used moisturiser or lotion of some kind? Not too long ago on my hands. They get dry this time of year, and besides, I wash my hands a lot nowadays especially. What was the last thing you owned, that was accidentally broken or damaged? Were you able to get it fixed? My laptop, and yes. Tell me about the last dream you recall having. Was it weird, amusing, etc. So this is pretty wild. I know I had a nightmare last night, but I don't remember it; the night before, however, I had a nightmare about a possibly rabid and ginormous rat (I mean like, smaller dog sized) in the house and trying to bite me. It was SUPER weird, because I was actually afraid of it, yet I absolutely adore rats in real life. What was the last video you watched on YouTube? I've really gotten into John Wolfe (a let's player) lately, and I'm going through his The Evil Within playthrough. Do your parents use any social media at all? My mom has a Facebook, and hilariously, Dad has a Snapchat to talk with my sister Nicole. He has no clue what he's doing with it and it's adorable, haha. Mom also has a Twitter, but she doesn't use it. Is there anyone in your life who regularly asks how your day has been? Regularly, no. I've always been that person, especially in the WoW guild I'm in. I'm very close and comfortable with them and ask how everyone's doing any time I log on. Lovely people who give me some social interaction every day. Tell me something positive about the day you've had. It's still early, but once again, it's pretty and bright outside. Why do you prefer Facebook over MySpace, because I know you do? Ha, you'd be incorrect. MySpace was more personal, so I actually preferred it. But it's obviously long-dead, so I just settle with Facebook. Have you read the Pretty Little Liars series? No. My sister looooves it, though. What product do you use to moisturize your lips? I don't remember, actually... It's in my purse somewhere. When did you start using Xanga? I never have. Be honest, do you judge people on their appearance? Judge, I don't think so. I can make assumptions like everyone else, but I'm not gonna think someone is beneath me just by their attire. Do you know anyone who does not like The Beatles? Me. At least, most songs. "Hey Jude" is good, but everyone agrees with that, haha. Did you have a friend in middle school that you’re now enemies with in high school? I'm long since out of HS. I had a middle school friend who I disconnected with following a fight in high school, but we weren't "enemies," and we reunited our senior year anyway. Aaaaand we're not friends anymore once again lmao. What is one thing you hope your children don’t inherit from you? If I hypothetically wanted kids, God knows I'd hope they wouldn't have my psychological issues. Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? It'd be nice, anyway. What type of foundation do you wear? None. Who’s the most controlling person you know? Someone I'm no longer friends with, partially because of this. Do males look good in skinny jeans? Yep. Are you for or against guyliner? Ugggghhhhh guyliner makes me weak in the knees. How many jobs have you had? Where do you currently work? Three; nowhere. Who did you last hit? Um, nobody??? What way of self-care do you enjoy the most and what feels more like an obligation? I enjoy my alone time on the computer as the best self-care, especially after being social all day; I don't, however, enjoy the act of performing hygiene care. I still do it, it's just not fun. The feeling afterwards is great, though. Have you ever tried specific diet plans or fads? What made you do it and how did it turn out for you? I was briefly using NutriSystem, which didn't work for me. I hated too much of the food. More recently I stuck with flexible dieting and calorie counting for a while, but I drifted from it when I still lost no fucking weight in like a month. I want to get back to it, though... oh, and intermittent fasting. I don't think it really worked for me yet again, even though I did it correctly, but that and the aforementioned flexible dieting is all I feel like I can handle. I guess I just have to give it longer. Do you know anyone who has been directly affected by COVID-19 e.g. testing positive, losing a loved one, or their job due to the pandemic? Too many people I know have had it or had someone they loved die because of it. Take this shit seriously. Is there a kind of music you only prefer listening to during specific type of activities that you otherwise wouldn’t enjoy under normal circumstances (e.g. EDM while doing sports or instrumental music while studying, etc.)? No; I have to actually enjoy the music. If you had to start a YouTube channel and motivations/skills/resources/any other inhibiting factors weren’t an issue, what would it be about? Either animal (preferrably reptiles) education or let's plays, ig. Has anything ever happened to you that if you told someone about, they would think you’re making it up? I don't believe so. What travel destination or popular spot have you been to that you found overrated? What about a lesser known place that you thought was a hidden gem? I really don't know; I haven't traveled nearly enough for this.

[amaris-noir]

answer all of the numbers, pls?

Thank you for asking! I’ve tried to answer all questions I could answer to~ 

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?

I don’t know how to answer that. There kinda is someone but isn’t..

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Yes. At least I’d do my best to try to. 

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Cuteness, kittens, nekomimi in anime? D:

4: What’s something you really want right now?

Pass all the exams this month, find a job I’d be comfortable with, be somewhere else. 

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

I think next time I’d be but I can’t tell if there would be next time.

6: Do you like the beach?

If it’s not very hot or crowded and I can find a place where I can escape Sun then yeah~ I like sand, breeze and sea 

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

I don’t think so? On a bed yes (I slept with mom, one or two friends) but couch no

8: What’s the background on your cell?

Black and white image of Japanese city neons 

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

What XDD My mom’s bed, a hospital bed and that’s basically it. 

10: Do you like your phone?

Pretty much yes. Just hope it won’t start slowing down more.

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

I plan very little..  I’ve planned more travelling this year and this hasn’t worked out yet and it won’t because I don’t even have money anymore

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

Dentist?

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

Definitely a Rottweiler if I could choose.

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

It depends on the kind of physical pain because there are ones that I can take and ones that make me wanna die. But I guess emotional pain is worse? It’s always shitty and makes me cry and wanna die or stop feeling.

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

Ah! I visited both when I was in Germany last time but idk what was better. Zoo is definitely more attractive and more fun and alive.

16: Are you tired?

Physically so so, emotionally rather yes..

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

I assume my 1st phone contact was my mom/home number so I’ve always known them.

18: Are they a relative?

Yeah - mom

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Maybe if I still loved someone and the reason of breakup wasn’t because the relationship was toxic or really bad. But I don’t have any exes so I can’t consider it.

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

What

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

I can’t afford wedding hahaha But if I had the right person I’d definitely want to marry them, not necessairy on the spot. Also it wouldn’t be up to me only :3

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Those kissing questions.. *rolls eyes* 

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

None. I’m not a bracelet person.. Maybe I’d be but I can’t even put them on by myself D:

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

I’m sure there are many that have influenced me but I don’t intentionally live by any particular one.

25: What’s on your mind?

Everything.. feelings, uni, exams, more feelings, summer plans?, life.

26: Do you have any tattoos?

Nope

27: What is your favorite color?

Black haha I like others as well but not as much as black.

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

That’s not something you can plan if you’re single and not a person who’d drunkenly kiss strangers in the bar. So idk. Will I ever even do that? 

29: Who are you texting?

Lately only two or three people at most

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? PLS NO

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Not sure.. I feel very confused about my negative feelings

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

@slaugrath I definitely bother him with things and he doesn’t seem to mind

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

At the moment, I don’t know but rather not

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Yes ♥ many of my friends and my family (it seems one thing about me is complimentable! I’m glad there’s at least one thing)

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

eeh..? I don’t kiss anyone, pls stop.

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

Yes ( . .)

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

38: What do your friends call you?

Karolina, Mariko

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Mom, ME, my friend

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

Yes

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

On the right arm

42: What is it from?

I don’t know XD

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

I wanna be away from my brother and this house.. very often

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Mom…

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

Yeah!

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

I’d have to wear hats everyday XD

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

No D: I don’t follow trends that much. Who would like to look like the half of the city?

48: Do you make supper for your family?

No? We make breakfasts and suppers individually.

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

Yes? 

50: Top 3 web-pages?

idk.. youtube? tumblr? Such websites! :3

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Yeah

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

Yeah, my kokoro ( . .)

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

Depends on what kind of goodbyes and with whom. I’ve never had any hard goodbyes.

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Probably tea.

55: How is your hair?

It’s wet .. I washed it a while ago.

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

Check my phone.. Go to the kitchen to make myself tea.. Go to the bathroom to clean my face.

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

I think they can

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

Surely

59: Green or purple grapes?

Green ones~

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

I don’t know but I know whom I wanna hug 

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yeah.

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

Today, soon? I gotta finish this and study and then text. Maybe in the evening after German course

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Language school

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Sleeping.. I kept waking up but I was sleeping in general.

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yeah… The same person as now

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

No.. Sounds sad haha 

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Nope and I won’t

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I had lots of thoughts and can’t single out the last one.. I don’t remember when I fell asleep.

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Kinda..

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

Three.

71: How many fingers do you have?

… 10 fingers, 10 toes, luckily. 

72: What is your ringtone?

I don’t remember.. my phone’s on vibration mode all the time.

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

23 *sobs*

74: Where is your Mum right now?

In her room.. not working today because she’s ill.

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

Someone has to like you back first.. and want to be with you D:

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

No..

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

I’m still friends with most of them

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

A classmate?

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

Nope.

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

No.. *forever alone*

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

Jesus, how many people should I have liked? :o Just one XD’

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

Family I live with ._.

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

I want to but I don’t know if we’ll talk..

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I don’t understand this question. You mean whether I’m with hot guys or hot girls? I’d say guys but my opinion about what is hot in guys is not so obvious or typical haha 

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

No, I’d just watch them destroy themselves.. D: Is such a question even necessary? Who wouldn’t care? 

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

Hm.. literally nothing happened. Unless people who come way too late count XD

87: Who was your last received call from?

Mom

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

what the fuck D: I don’t think I would ._.

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

Affection, love, true friends, friends I’d feel comfortable with and could hand out with, money, knowledge, hair, femininity? 

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Probably.. I think I trust people.

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

Rarely.. I can’t fall asleep because of noise. But I wake up at night or in the morning and I open it then :3 I don’t usually have problems with falling asleep once I wake up.

92: Do you get along with girls?

I guess?

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

From my grandma who asks if I like someone but I don’t think she needs to know the truth 

94: Does sex mean love?

Obviously not.. Not necessarily.

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

I don’t wanna be in a room alone lmao

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

No. idk how kissing with or without one feels anyway

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

Yeah

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

To some extent. It’d be much easier if I didn’t think and feel so much

99: Do you believe in love at first sight? 

Uh.. I think it’s a coincidence but it’s possible that you can start liking someone and can’t explain why and it develops and nothing about that person makes you stop liking them so the feelings of a kind of infatuation you’ve had get more real. 

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

I don’t do pinky promises I guess?

[thegrvoflightning]

This Takes Priority

(Vessel is going to be reviewed after I tackle this.)

I rarely have seen something and thought I needed to react then and there. This is an exception. The fact this was a YouTube Ad is unbelievable. I think this should be banned. So. What’s up for review?

Ok... This is going to end well... 

The ad begins with a dental procedure being completed and the patient saying “Thank god for that.” The dentist immediately asks God? 

(Ok. Full disclosure. I’m an Athiest but still.) 

The patient then asks what he means. He says “Who in this day and age still belives in god?” 

OH. I DON’T KNOW. HOW ABOUT A BILLION PEOPLE. (Must I also state this ad was put before a PRO WRESTLING VIDEO by WhatCulture called “10 Terrible Habits WWE Commentators Need to Break” How Religion relates to that. I have no clue.) 

The patient says she believes in God which leads to the dentist saying “Well, you obviously missed all the wars, the devastation, the poverty, and everything that goes wrong in this world.”

NO. FOR REALS. IF YOU WANNA GO THERE. GO THERE.  YOU DO REALISE HUMANS DID ALL THAT? RIGHT?! (Maybe I’m being too mad, but I don’t care. They made the stupid point. I’ll go after their stupid point.)

The believer of God then says: “Well, I don't believe in dentists... If there are dentist's in the world why do so many people have broken, infected and missing teeth?” (Ok... IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN THEM WHY ARE YOU IN THE DENTIST’S OFFICE!)

and Then this...

Dentist: I can't help people that don't come to me to have their teeth fixed.

Beliver: Exactly! It's the same way with God. It's a bit rich for us to expect God to help people who don't come come to Him and instead insist on doing things their own way.

(THE FACT YOU ARE TRYING TO FORCE AN IDEA OF GOING IN “God’s way” INSTEAD OF MY OWN IS INSULTING and DISGUSTING.)

Oh btw. Dentist:  And how am I meant to come to God?

Believer: Just... talk to Him, He's listening.

Are you serious. I just “talk” to God? A person I don’t believe in and whos only physical presence runs a church whom has had several members convicted of child sex abuse? 

You are mentally insane. I may have a religious friend, but they would never shove religion down my throat. 

You on the other hand placed a YouTube Ad on a video I was watching for my own enjoyment. I did not hunt you down. You hunted me down. Oh... They have a website. Ok. Let’s see it.)

Their tagline is: “YOU WERE CREATED TO KNOW GOD. GOD BRINGS TRUE JOY, HOPE AND PURPOSE TO LIFE.”

NO. I WASN’T CREATED TO KNOW GOD. YOU CAN SCREW YOURSELVES. Oh and “GOD BRINGS TRUE JOY, HOPE AND PURPOSE TO LIFE.” Nope. My best friend does that thank you very much... Oh and There’s another video...

“God created everything good” 

(Replace Stay positive with don’t swear.)

FUCK YOU. SPERM CREATED EVERYTHING GOOD. IF YOU WISH TO NOT BELIEVE IN THAT THEN PLEASE FUCK OFF. 

The video continues. Stating “and Wants us to live in eternal intimacy with him.” In the context you’re saying this (close familiarity or friendship) I’d only apply that to my best friend and parents (My Mum especially) CAUSE THE FORMER PROVIDES EVERY REASON TO CONTINUE EXISTING and THE LATTER CAUSE THEY FUCKING RAISED ME and MY MUM BOUGHT ME INTO THIS WORLD. GOD DID FUCKING NOTHING FOR ME. 

Then “God never intended it to be this way.” OK THEN. IF HE EXISTS WHY HASN’T HE INTERVENED AND STOPPED THIS THEN IF THIS WASN’T WHAT HE WANTED?! 

He (the narrator) then says “We are the problem. We’ve all rejected God and tried to run life our own way without him.” DO YOU FUCKING REALISE A BILLION PEOPLE BELIEVE IN GOD. 

Later the narrator says “Perhaps you feel God prompting you to surrender your life to him today. This means turning from our old ways, and following Jesus. I can tell you it’s the best decision you’ll ever make.” NO. My best decision was actually opening up to my best friend and becoming closer to them because as a result I have a friend I can actually trust with everything. 

The narrator continues by suggesting prayer and suggesting to say “Sorry God that I chose to live without you. Thank you for sending Jesus to take my place and die the death I deserve. I surrender my life to you and choose to follow you.” 

Yeah... nope. There is no way that is happening. I shall not become religous as I don’t believe in God.

Except. This review isn’t over. Normally I don’t contact the persons behind an item as to get a response would take weeks or months and may not even result in answers to my questions. This entity however has Facebook Messenger. I decided to show them the review BEFORE PUBLICATION. This is their response in full. Unedited.

Hey thanks for giving us a chance to see what you're posting, good to see you've had a chance to think about God in the middle of pro wrestling - I hope the video that followed didn't disappoint. Lots of people want to know more about God but they have no-one to ask, so we love to help answer people's questions that they have in a space where you can talk. I guess there are a lot of ads out there eh that can be a bit disappointing depending on what excites you and what doesn't. You've done well to get the script down, we don't expect everyone is going to like our videos - but a relationship with the creator of the universe is too good for anyone to miss. Perhaps we could look at doing a pro-wrestling one next time  😜

I cannot believe how you responded. “good to see you've had a chance to think about God in the middle of pro wrestling” No. I didn’t think about God in the middle of Pro Wrestling. That is NOT what happened. Your ad showed up before a wrestling Top Ten and “but a relationship with the creator of the universe is too good for anyone to miss.” NO. GOD DIDN’T CREATE IT. BITS OF DUST, ICE and ROCK collided together to create it and “Perhaps we could look at doing a pro-wrestling one next time  😜” Ok. You. Are you understanding this was not a thing to give you an ad idea. It was a review wherein I criticised your ads. To say “I guess there are a lot of ads out there eh that can be a bit disappointing depending on what excites you and what doesn’t.”  is not defensible. You got me to become enraged because of the way you chose to promote your ideals. I am therefore concluding this review as it is clear to me that you didn’t fully understand why I was being so critical.

That is all. Next review is Vessel.

[allmymisters]

For the Love of China

I just woke up. That’s a lie. I woke up around 2 hours ago. I awoke from a dream I can’t remember and a peacefully sleeping Mister who does that snoring that sounds like he’s whispering “poo”. I used to do this thing in my head, when I was about to go to sleep. It was to calm me and clear my thoughts, but I would imagine this little Iggy like character in my head, climbing through my brain to the top of the stairs. He had a little room there and he would turn on the light and there would be a very large blackboard full of doodles and writing and he would literally erase my thoughts. When he cleared the board, he would turn the light off and I would go to sleep. When I was a child, I never sucked my thumb, nor did I sleep with my parents. Across the hall I slept in my crib and then that crib turned into a bed eventually, but I was not the type of child who was uncomfortable being alone and my parents were not the kind that would coddle me. When I was a kid, I’d play with my hangnails to get to sleep. Strange I know, but I’d start at a quick pace and as I would slow the pace down to go to sleep. Some people count sheep, I played with my hangnails.

I wasn’t a nervous child. I was shy, but not nervous. Anxiety was something that occurred the night before a trip or the night before the first day of school. I never was affected by it the way my friends say they are crippled by it. Something has happened to me recently and I don’t like it, actually I hate it. The older I’ve gotten the more stressful my life has become. Job stress, money stress, relationship stress, health stress…what was invisible before has now ravaged my nervous system like a freight train. Why has this happened? What did I do that my mind and my body have decided to betray how I compute.

When you scroll down Facebook posts you’ll notice a pattern with people. It goes from “My kid said/did this” to “I have an opinion about the current state of the world” to “My (insert family member) died” to “Look how much fun I’m having on said vacation”. We know every anniversary, birthday, death, birth, new job, new partner, etc etc. Look, I’ve read and listened to a lot of psychologists and experts talk about how social media affects us and I think it affects us in different ways. For me, it’s more of a strange place where you can’t disagree with anyone or I’m reading about some pretty personal stuff for the world to see or I’m realizing how sad I am that I don’t have a cute baby to show everyone or a cute dog for that matter. As of two days ago, it was acknowledging that the two guys I dated in high school were arrested for some pretty serious sexual misconducts.

I have emotional OCD. I can’t help it and noticed my mom is the same way. We lash out in two different ways. We get angry and tell the world to fuck off and then we cry in the shower at how hurt we are. My family was always big on the “suck it up and move on” or “don’t ever let anyone see you’re weak, be smarter”. I think I’ve lived a majority of my life like this. I care way too much about things. Being a natural empath can be rewarding, but can also turn on you in a most wretched way. I fixate on things bothering me. I will go through scenarios, the why, the what, the how. I will talk to that person in my head and say exactly what I want to to them and then see them as though I have no complaints. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m bold enough, I just don’t see what it would really do but become my problem.

I’m trying not to care. I’m actually trying not to notice what’s happening to me. My body is falling apart. I thought I’d be one of those cool ladies you see memes and documentaries about. The ones that are growing old gracefully with designer bifocals and purple hair. My mind has grown and continues to do so, but my body is being an asshole. When you start to see the transition it gets scary. The grey hairs, the aches and pains, the weight gain (for some), the lethargy and most of all the crushing anxiety. I’m having serious issues with anxiety recently and the only thing that has helped are my new acupuncture appointments. But as with all things I experience, I don’t want to have to be helped or ask for it for that matter. It’s challenging, but I’ve always seen myself as someone who can handle her shit. So, I thought.

“Iggy where are you!?”

My mind races in the middle of the night. I go to bed fine, but if I awaken, it’s a nightmare. I try to get Iggy to come out and he’s there but he either erases the board and it refills instantly, or he just stands there looking at it, as though he’s stuck in some video game prompting me for his next direction.

What do I have to work on tomorrow? Can I sell this woman’s house? Am I doing the right thing with my life? Why does he have to work tomorrow? Am I going to lose my hair? I need to go to the gym. What should I get my parents for Christmas? I’m so angry about my camera! Why haven’t I heard from her, do they just not like me anymore? I want to go somewhere. I miss my dad. I hope my dad is ok. I wish my brother would come visit me. I wish I could afford to go see them, i hope those fires aren’t too close to him. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Ok, relax, deep breaths. Why is my heart beating like this, am I dying…fuck…fuck…am i ever going to lose this weight. I need to just go to the gym. Oh my god, stop snoring! I need new glasses, shit I need to reschedule the dentist because I don’t have money right now, how am I going to pay for the window…..

And it goes on and on and on and on. From me thinking I have cancer to wondering when the next tragedy in my life will occur to am I going to have a job tomorrow. I get it, I’m not alone, there are other people who have this stuff going on, I just don’t like it. It’s physically tearing me apart. I’m about to turn 47 and I’m wondering where my womanhood has gone because let’s face it, I’m 22 forever. It’s disorienting and for me, very frightening. I don’t want to have a heart attack in my fifties you know?

I used to love being an empath, recently I hate it. There’s an emptiness I’ve been carrying around with me and what used to be a simple brush off the shoulder and has now become some colossal underlying stress ball of unimaginable proportions. My doctors have told me that they are quite surprised I’ve gone this long without completely losing it. When I look at them with “tha fuuuck?” look, they explain going through that much trauma in one sitting can put most people over the edge, but two therapy sessions in, after a suicide, an excruciating end to my marriage, the death of one of my best friends, the news that my ex boyfriend and friend had died while at mentioned best friend’s funeral, the loss of my close knit circle and the loss of my job due to all of the above was good enough for me. I moved forward. Moved forward in a very zig zaggy, drunken fashion making no stops for breath while being accused of being unforgiving, angry and abandoned. Yep, seems about right. It’s been nine years and I’m afraid it’s finally all caught up with me, like a tsunami from hell.

“Take a Xany”

I don’t do pills. I will fight to self heal before having to take something for it. No offense to you who have found resolve in it, I’m just not that person. I just wanna feel better! I want to sleep. I wanna enjoy my morning instead of walking straight to my computer. I want to figure out a workout routine. I want to tell people no. I want to not feel like my heart is in the Kentucky Derby. I want my body to slow down. I want time to slow down. Slow the fuck DOWN! Why am I so apt to be that overachiever? I think because for so long I’ve been overlooked in my duties, and now, I’m finally getting recognition and to be honest it feels fantastic. My therapy comes from helping others, that’s my selfish reason for doing the things I do. So, how do I make it stop? I don’t have an answer. Right now, being in a dark room for one hour every week with pins sticking in me seems to be the only thing that’s been working. It’s sad that, it is the only place, I can breathe and not think of all the things, even though the cost gives me its own anxiety.

It’s not greek to me

A few hours ago I couldn’t finish writing this piece. I wanted to write something because writing is my catharsis and to be honest, I was upset. It helps me work it out in my head. Instead, I started talking about it while my man comforted me and asked what he could do. I broke down. Blubbering like a fool, telling him how disappointed I am in my life right now, how I don’t know why I can motivate others and not myself and how alone I feel a lot of the times. I just want to shut it off sometimes. My brain that is, not my system. I don’t want to be fearful because that’s not who I am, yet I feel like I’m fearful everyday with everything I do and say. When did that happen?

I just want to sleep like the dead again so I can feel alive. Remember in our 20’s? Bed at dawn, sleep til work, repeat. I want to eat a piece of chocolate without feeling like I’ll need to buy new jeans next month. I want to tell people to eat a dick every time they tell me what I should feel and what I should say. I’m not feeling very punk rock these days and that’s what it comes down to. All these feelings I have about the world, the non-reciprocated relationships I have, the allowance of urgency everyone needs from me, and the disrespect I’ve received in certain situations are an implosion waiting to happen, all because the one emotion I owned, anger, has become some sort of disease. Are we no longer allowed to express our discontent for anything except what has been deemed acceptable and determined by some invisible sensitivity police? I think not. It’s not just about being consumed by anger, it’s more about being able to express and release. You know, throw some plates against the wall and then have a martini after. Maybe I’m reading into it too much, but for me, I think it is part of the reason why I feel so handicapped recently. I wanna mad. I want it to run through my veins and shout it out! It doesn’t make me crazy. It doesn’t make me unable to cope (fuck anyone who says I can’t cope with shit) and it surely doesn’t make me non-confrontational. I don’t like this new, “Don’t let them hear you” mentality. It’s my right to embrace my humanity and that includes being angry and having my own perspective. So, I’m getting my plates ready, because I’m tired, so very, very tired, and there’s nothing Greek about that.

[20yearstostart]

Tuesday 18th September, 2018

Dear Blank, 

Okay, first things first, I love this step so much. It kills me and I want them to stomp on my grave like that. :)

YAAASSSSS! OMFFGGGGFGFGF

How are you? I feel like I never ask about you, but you can’t tell me how you are so I just feel stupid now. But I can tell you about me. 

I am good. I’m doing great, today was a good day. And I made an impulsive decision that I don’t know when I will start to regret, but for now, it’s fine. (i tipsy announced I’ll start writing again when I haven’t written since I put up my going away post)

Well, today I went to Dreamy’s place, but I couldn’t tell him that I reached the station cause I was out of credit, and I had to top up my hop card as well. Since the machines can’t take fifty’s, I went to a dairy to get recharge and get change so I can top up. On the way to the dairy, I saw a cute security guy and we smiled at each other, for some reason wearing huge black clothes that make me look like a cloud of darkness makes me feel more comfortable and confident. 

Okay, I lied, he wasn’t cute cute, but he was cute like ‘oh, i can lead him on.’ I am a horrible person if you haven’t realised. But that was for like a moment, and I got over it the moment he walked out of my sight lol. 

Alright, I have my credit now and I text Dreamy that I’m here, and start walking back to the station to top up because I thought we were going to catch the bus back. So, I’m walking, alright, and these two guys are standing by the entrance of the station pathway, and one of them (the older man) starts to walk away from the other guy, and towards me. He looks at me and smiles, and I smile back, cause everyone is so friendly in this neighbourhood omg. 

The guy points to the other guy and says something along the lines of ‘he is a nice guy and single.’ He says it as a joke, so I politely laugh, and look at the guy and do the awkward laugh thing as I continue walking past him. Now, Blank, I hear a voice from behind me. Through my earphones blasting GOT7′s new lit af album; I turn around and see that he was talking to me. I see his hand by his head, his thumb and pinky finger out like a was’good sigh, but he meant it like a phone and I was like ‘woah, wth?!”

I take an earphone out and an old lady walks between us, and he calls out ‘do you have a number?’ I can’t believe my ears, so I walk closer and am like ‘sorry?’ and he’s like ‘can I have your number?’

Now, for a moment I forgot I was twenty and that I’m a second-year uni student. I stare at him and lowkey stammer, wanting to say that I’m too young for this, cause for a moment I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS 17. But, I couldn’t really say anything cause he was like ‘oh are you taken?’ and instantly, I thought back to Dreamy, and we talked about this, and we are supposed to say ‘Nah, we’re single’ cause we are just friends with benefit. But, I think I took too long cause he was like ‘oh algoods’ while I was still stumbling over my words. 

I say sorry and thank you for the tenth time, and turn and walk away to the station and top up. Coincidently, as I was walking back out, I saw the guy again and we did the little omg hi, again thing. The guy from before was back, and he looked at me, and pointed at him and was like ‘he has a number, take his number.’ 

I saw the guy turn around and look at me and I was like, ‘what do I say?’ and he was like ‘you want it?’

Before I could say anything, he started taking his phone out and I was like ‘oh well.’ 

So now I have a guy, whose name is Diamond, on my phone. He said he wanted to take me out for coffee, but I really don’t have time for that shit. lol, but it still felt good. 

And then I met Dreamy and told him that a guy gave me his number, and ordered food. We also got my beloved Vodka, so I think I’m okay now. 

Now, Blank, it’s time for a special segment I like to call: 

TMI, Sex Education. 

So, my first question is what is squirting? 

Everytime Dreamy and I do stuff, I feel like I’m about to pee. Every time when he fingers me (his fingers are amazing, omg, they make me want to cry), and he starts hitting my G-spot, I feel like I’m about to pee and I tell him to stop because I don’t want to wet his bed. 

Everytime that I did stop him, he didn’t want to. He wanted to see what would happen next, and so did I, but I really really really kept on feeling like a bitch was about to pee. I know what an orgasm feels like, I masturbate all the time. But this is something else, like the pressure and need to release is so so intense, I really feel like I’ll pee. 

So, I stopped us and peed, and then came back. We somehow (huehue) started up again, and this time he was like ‘oh you just peed, so I’m pretty sure it’s not pee. I need to change the sheets anyways.’ 

you know what’s coming next, blank. 

So, I’m almost there; my legs shaking, mind going blank, and his fingers are doing exactly what I want him to do, and I can feel his body and omg its really good. I tell him ‘I’m about to pee.’ 

and this fucker speeds up and tells me to do it. 

he lowkey chokes me in between too cause I really like it. 

OMG WHEN HE CHOKES ME AS HE FINGERS ME LIKE REALLY FAST AND HARD I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO HEAVEN I ALMOST CRY. BUT I HOLD IT BACK CAUSE HIS EGO, GODDAMN. 

okay. 

So he speeds up and tells me to do it, so I start to and then I instantly hold back and omfg. I’m cringing. this is so bad. 

Instead of the amazing 5 feet full force squirt, you see in porn; my last minute hold back, caused it to dribble down like pee and who the fuck knows, maybe it is pee. Fuck my life, you know. (i researched- it’s unclear, but most like not completely pee, lmao)

So that’s done, and I’m like welp, and he was like ‘oh okay, no five ft shit.’ And I’m just lying there like ‘omfg I think I peed his bed a little.’ 

He gets up, gets tissues and cleans up, and I don't look at him coz omggggg, I think I just peed his bed. How do you look at someone after you’ve peed their bed???!?!??! Tell me, Blank. 

I start getting dressed and his like stop and im like, ‘i think we should just chill now.’ at this point I am almost about to start crying by how horrified I am. He comes back after washing his hands, and looks at me and is like ‘what are you doing?’ 

I’m trying to wear my undies and get dressed boii, what does it look like im doing?

He’s like ‘hey, stop,’ or something like that, but like in a nice soft way and even though that was really sweet and exactly what I needed, it made me want to cry more. A bit like how you feel when you make a mistake and instead of getting mad at you, your parents are just disappointed or upset and that makes you feel more shitty? yeah, kinda like that. 

He comes in front of me and is like ‘hey look at me,’ but instead, I look at the floor and avoid his eyes. And then he holds my face and brings it to so im meeting his eyes, but I close my eyes cause I’m bratty like that lol. I get out of his grip and start looking for the rest of my clothes. 

He comes from behind and pulls me back onto the bed, and his just so ugh. I hate him. He’s so good at handling my mood swings, and my craziness. All my emotions are all over the place, but he is so calm and collected, and when he needs to he is so mature. It’s really truly so attractive. 

We ended up having another round so you could say it worked out. 

Moral of the lesson: MAKE SURE THE GUY (OR GIRL) THAT YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH IS A GOOD PERSON, AND THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH THEM. It’s okay if they turn out to be the shittest fuckers later on, but while you are together and do things that make you feel embarrassed, try to find someone who makes you feel alright about it, and reassures you. Or just don’t be a little bitch, and squirt all the way if you’re going for it lol. 

Later on, we were laying in bed, and I started playing with his hair. I wanted to see how long it’d take him to fall asleep, and it was pretty quick. He snored a bit, and I felt kinda proud for some reason. I think I moved my hand a little and he woke up mid-snore. But then later on, when he said that I woke up mid snore too so I guess it’s normal? I don’t know. 

But, the thing is Blank, I must be really really comfortable with this kid that I met a few months ago. I find sleeping in front of people so weird, it’s like- I don’t know. I don’t have control over my body at that moment, and this person can wake up and just look at me. I’m probably drooling, snoring or farting, or I sleep with my eyes open, or I sleep talk. I don’t know. It just seems very very intimate to me, and I can’t just sleep in front of people, but I can with him and it’s nice. I really glad to be friends with him. 

His a bit of a kid. Okay, that was a lie. He is really childish; he is like a kid. Yet, at the same time, he is so dependable and mature, and kind. It’s unreal. He is amazing and I hope we can stay friends even after we finish this benefit thing. 

Also, he climbed through a window into his house because we got locked out, and he has big feet. It’s cute. lol. 

Okay, so this Wednesday now:

I went to the dentist, almost got into argument with her because she said that I didn’t try hard enough to contact her. But I went to her office and waited for like an hour before I left after leaving a note. It’s not my fault her service as gone so bad. I like her, but sometimes I don’t know. Everyone has bad days; I’ll just blame it on Big Boss. 

That’s it for now. 

I’m going to look for my glasses now, and then make a list of all the lectures I need to catch up on. Then maybe write for my other blog; I’ve started it up again and I’m so happy seeing some of my readers telling me they so happy Im back hehe. 

Also, my girl came to uni looking like a snack! She’s so pretty and her body looked sooo good in the playsuit? jumpsuit? Like her booty!! DAAAMNNNN!! She just looked really good. 

I think I’ll just buy my leather jacket rn instead of waiting. Maybe next week, after I give Mausi money. I should talk to Fairy about working and everything, but I don’t want to be pushy. But Mausi is in a shitty place too, I don’t know. It’s not my place to speak, but someone needs to talk to him to figure out what’s going on inside his head. 

It was a good day today. 

I’m happy. 

Also, I love GOT7. Their new comeback is amazing. I think this is my favourite one. I think this one might have topped all the others and all the promotions. I am so happy to see them so well! I really pray for the best for them! <3

god, i want him to stab me in my chest with his fingers. that makes no sense, but fu blank. 

THE SKY:

The sky was almost in darkness when I saw it. Or maybe, it was in complete darkness but it was the light pollution and the cloudiness that made it seem lighter? But it looked so pretty, it warmed my heart for some reason. The wind was crispy cold; staying true to its late winter name, but the sky looked so warm. 

It was tinted purple, dark lavender if possible? And it was smudgy and so so beautiful. The apartment buildings that stood in front of the bench I sat on in the station added to the backdrop, and I think it made me feel warm because it reminded me of the life I want to be living. I want to live in an apartment or somewhere alone, where I can sit outside after nightfall and watch the sky. I want to be able to see the glowing streetlights and the endless sky and not feel worried or anxious. I just want to be able to enjoy the sky. 

Why is that so hard, Blank?

not edited