#also its a huge reason i dont wear a binder

[buggerzz]

Was thinking about @shapeshiftersinc 's binders and wanted to review them on here :D

Im gonna be fully honest because. Why the hell would i lie???

Overview-

They are a great binder company. I fully reccomend buying from them- they have the best chest binders ive been able to find and are extremely inclusive and helpful. If you have the money to get one and are worrying it wont be worth it. Trust me. It is.

Pros-

Extremely comfortable.

I mean it. I have sensory issues- other binders ive had have been way too itchy and uncomfortable for me to wear regularly. Id always have issues with the tags- even after i cut them out, it always bothers me.

Shapeshifters have been WAY better. I dont know if it's the materials, the construction, or what but they are wonderful to wear. Ive had the occasional issue with the tag, but its small and pretty ignorable. Plus, I'm about 90% sure you could ask them to just not add it to avoid it entirely. Ive had no issues with scratchiness. Their mesh is breathable, not itchy, and stretchy :D half the time i can completely forget that im even wearing a binder, which says a LOT.

Fit & Bind-

Shapeshifters. Amazing once again. Theyre custom sized to your measurements, which avoids unnecessary tightness in the ribs, gaping at the top, or inconsistent/nonexistent binding. Im a 38DD-40DDD depending on brand, and literally no other binders have had anywhere near this level of bind. Obviously it doesnt get completely flat- but it gets as close as possible. Id say its about the same prominence as laying on your back with no bra- maybe a bit bigger. That being said, thats a HUGE improvement from every other brand ive tried.

Plus, if you have issues with things digging in anywhere or not fitting how you want, they do free alterations. WHICH IS INSANELY HELPFUL BY THE WAY.

Variety-

They have many different patterns and styles and types of binders. It's a lot of different options- undergarments to normal tops, gothic to pastel to flat colors. If youre somewhere hot they have purely mesh binders for extra ventilation, etc.

Plus, if you want a specific pattern you can custom order your own fabric design! Im doing this for my new one and am very excited. (Its the same pattern i have as my banner :>

Customer Service-

Actually wonderful. Eli has been the one talking with me on both of my binders, so i think theyre the main (English) customer service worker! Theyre wonderful and very helpful- straight to the point, speedy, and patient.

I had no clue I needed to upload my pattern to spoonflower and proof it, and they helped me with that even though I could've just. Read the product description 😭

Lots of love to Eli. Also Im so sorry im stupid???? Youre wonderful.

Ease of use-

Im disabled- big shoulder issues. If i angle it the wrong way it dislocates. Bit uncomfy. That being said, most binders are literally painful for me to put on. Especially to take off. It hurts and is a whole mess. However. Shapeshifter's stretchier fabrics make it easier to take on and off. Putting it on is usually completely fine. Taking it off can be an issue. But its way easier than other brands thankfully.

HOWEVER. shapeshifters offers zippers to be built in. Which seems bad because of uneven pressure, but they have stiff inserts in all zipper binders to evenly distribute the bind. When I ordered my 1st binder, i for some reason got the zipper on the side of my bad shoulder?? I usually only use the zipper to take it off, so its fine, but zipping it on is a nightmare. But thats on me because i ordered it stupidly. That being said, zipping it off is actually amazing. If theres any discomfort from the binder, I can just zip it down for a bit. Or i can fully take it off so much easier. 2nd binder from them, i havent ordered the zipper because its not that difficult for me personally to take it off without, but i would recommend it if you need that extra ease!

Durability-

An old binder had tearing stitching after 2 months of semi-regular wear. Bad. My shapeshifter binder ive been wearing up to 5 days a week for up to 8 hours a day. The only signs of wear it has is some deodorant stains. Need I say more. It also hasnt stretched at all- it has the same bind and comfort and fit as it did the day I got it.

CAN YOU SEE WHY I LOVE THESE.

CONS NOW!!

Time

They do take a while to be made and arrive. Because theyre custom made by a small team, it takes a couple months to get one. I ordered one in July and got it in August, for example. I personally do not care about this one because it is such a high quality binder.

Price

Once again, small team making high quality custom products. It gets pricey. My first one was $116 including shipping, taxes, etc. Its important to note that i got a zipper (+$20) and a lot of customization options not everyone will need or want! Once again, i think its worth it as it will probably last me a WHILE. Also they gotta pay their team fairly. WE LOVE PAYING PEOPLE LIVABLE WAGES!

Overall, I do reccomend. In fact I've gotten a friend to get themselves one aswell lmao

Theyre actually an amazing team and i wish them lots of love, appreciation, and success!! Cant wait to get my new binder >:D

[mejomonster]

I love Decora fashion in theory but will never dress that way because when it comes to effort I go for Minimum possible and if things take longer than 10 minutes for my entire get together (unless it's a photoshoot or wedding), I'm not doing it. Also if things are uncomfortable so like anything tight there's a 90% chance I'm not ever wearing it (except special occasions when you WANT a bodycon glitter gold dress to look like femme captain kirk)

So like. My makeup takes 3 minutes. My hair takes 5 minutes or less (usually none). My clothes don't usually have layers unless it's a coat/sweater/button up on top of a shirt I'd be cold in. Accessories generally are not being worn unless they're accessories I wear nonstop and won't take off until they break off me (earrings I wear until they get lost, necklaces and bracelets I wear until they break etc). While I have many cute bags, in practice I use one and don't change it, or use multiple if it's a big trip etc. I just love how layering looks and hairclips and bracelets and... and I'm way too lazy to put all of that on then take it all off :c

[nocturnal-dreams]

I might take this down later tonight so if you want to screenshot it so you can use my words against me like in 2 months again go the fuck ahead but I've heard so many anons going on my account that I will not be responding to because well I really couldn't give less of a fuck. Anons are pissed off at me for multiple reasons. While its 1am and I'm kind of drunk, I feel like I can quickly explain myself.

⚠️ Stop reading now if you really couldn't give a damn ⚠️

➖Okay so I've seen a lot of people pissed off at me for writing for c!Schlatt. Now I completely agree that you can be mad at Schlatt, he's said some fucked up things but to be attacking his fans and the people who are a fan of his character, no that's fucked up and if you're a follower of mine and hate on Schlatt fans, you can kindly fuck off, you're no follower of mine. Look I'm sorry but I'm not gonna stop writing for a character that I enjoy because the internet isnt a fucking perfect picket white fence.

Another thing related to Schlatt is JustAMinx or the chuckle sandwich crew in general but I'll just talk about Minx. I'm still gonna write for her since I genuinely enjoy her content. Do I like that she's friends with Kacey? Absolutely not but Minx is an adult and it's up to her to make her own choices. Do I wish she'd not support Kacey, absolutely but once again she's an adult and its up to her to be responsible when looking at who she's to be friends with

➖Okay number 2, my dress pictures or just the pictures I post of my irl life in general. I've been getting a lot of hate anons lately that are mad at me for wearing a dress because people think I'm faking being non-binary for clout, shut the fuck up. I can wear my packer and binder and I'm still gonna be non-binary, what's so different about me wearing a fucking dress that shows a little cleavage? Grow the fuck up

Another few anons I've been getting are about my weight in the photos, people claiming they're worried about my health, no bro you're just being a dick. Look I am afab and I have a little thing called a uterus, now something that this uterus causes me to do is bloating, but I also have a thing called tits. Now I dont know if you knew this but porn stars may have huge fucking tits and no fat but you know what that is? That's surgeries and dieting to one piece of food every week. Now do I feel like doing any of that? Fuck no, I'm confident in my body and I'll wear whatever the fuck I want no matter my size.

So here's for you fucks:

➖Number 3, some people are mad at me for keeping myself private? I made a post like 2 months ago I think now telling people that they dont know me, they only know what I wish to tell them and that I like to live a private life. The reason for this post? Because I had an anon send me a ask of my exact location and birth name, I am safe dont worry but the second that happened, I felt like I needed to set some kind of boundary because that was fucking creepy especially because at that time, I was living with my friend and her two year old daughter.

In that post I said "I care about all of you guys but I dont know you and you dont know me, what I say is what I choose to tell you guys." People took that is me referring to everyone as a number, once again my words being taken out of context

➖Number 4, look I'm not a licensed therapist so stop treating me like I am one. I'm human to and need my breaks. You can message me and send me as ask if you need somewhere to vent but how about we dont get pissed off at me if I dont answer immediately or if my advice isn't good enough. I dont have all the answers, I try to help with the knowledge that I have.

Also please put a trigger warning at the start of your ask, it just helps me be able to filter everything better and also stops people if they skim read and might be put into a bad place, it's just so helpful to do and it takes two seconds

➖Number five, calling me a groomer for interacting with minors...

*inhale* WHAT?! So you're telling me that me supporting talented writers who happen to be minors and being someone they can talk to and be like a parental figure to is me being a groomer? Huh?!

I'm sorry but that is completely bullshit, want to see a groomer? Look at someone like James Charles or Onison, get your head out of your ass

➖Number 6, the one that pisses me off the most. "You dont write enough", do you really think in any kind of small pea brain mind that people being rude to me about not writing enough is gonna make me want to write more? I took a break from writing in the first place because people were being dicks to me about it, saying oh you spelt this wrong, or this is so cringy, or stop making the person ooc.

I write for myself and I'm gonna be honest, I have many finished drafts and fic ideas but I dont want to post them because well I'm tired of being shitted on for every minor mistake.

➖look I'm not a perfect person and have never tried to come across as one. I fuck up and I'm sure you do too. At this rate with all the hate anons recently, I'm very close to turning off anon asks or just asks in general. But I don't want to do that because my anon asks are for people who want to vent but want to stay anonymous and I feel like that would take away that security of I turned it off.

Just let people exist and get your head out of your ass

[n0ideawh0]

most people know how hard it is to come out as transgender, or to come out as gay, or poly, or even a dinosaur idk, none of it fits in society. everyone knows it’s scary and sensitive but no one talks about why. no one talks about the real reason why it’s so hard.

the first step in coming out is coming out to yourself, and realizing who you are. this step implies that there is a label for how you’re feeling. queer people live a life trying to escape from labels but somehow to feel free we have to just transfer to another one. for example, transgender. definition: not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth. the definition is okay, but the label, what transgender is viewed as, what the word says, it’s not correct.

the root word in there is trans. short for transition. this implies that you were born one gender and transitioned to a different one. ftm. mtf. However there’s not really a transition. a huge problem is people thinking there is. the terms people use are mtf and ftm. i personally don’t agree with those phrases.

i am a “transgender“ male. i have a vagina, but i’m a man. there was no transition. i was born this way and this is who i am. i didn’t become a male overtime, i just am.

one could argue that the transition portion is dressing like the opposite gender or using a binder or even getting surgery but that’s an entirely different thing than what transgender is. being trans has nothing to do with my appearance. yes, i like to hide my chest and wear long pants and have short hair, but sometimes i also like to wear a skirt, or a tight shirt, or a bikini, or maybe have long hair. it doesn’t matter how i dress. i am a man and nothing has an impact on that besides my brain. i don’t need to have a huge transition to be myself.

the hardest part of this step is not admitting to myself that i’m a male and it’s not feeling crappy about being male. it’s about admitting to myself that i’m viewed as a female or was “born” a female. i wasn’t born a female, i was born a male. I don’t understand why some random hole in between my legs had to impact my life to the point where i don’t even want to exist sometimes.

Some people say if it’s so hard then why don’t you just come out you will feel so much better. it’s not that simple. i’m not worried about people hating me for it, or judging me, or transphobia. I’m worried about people accepting me for it. that’s my biggest fear. people who accept you always have certain expectations or have questions or need answers and labels and i cant give it to them. at least transphobic people view me as complicated or fake or dumb or crazy. that is how i feel. they don’t try to understand it simply because it’s impossible to understand. people who accept you try everything in their power to understand, but they never will. i wont ever understand it, so it’s impossible for them to. i’m worried that instead of feeling pressured to act like a female ill feel pressured to act like a male. i hate gender stereotypes. i don’t wanna tell someone im a male and then expext me to suddenly love football and cars and beer. i want to tell someone im a male and to continue being myself.

its honestly easier to say i’m non binary because there’s no expectations. sometimes i think i am bc i don’t fit the little mold of how a man is supposed to act. maybe i am. i don’t know. i will never know.

i dont even understand it so how am i supposed to expect other people to. this is why i can’t come out. coming out isn’t being free, it’s being trapped in a different way.

[solaneceae]

MY HUMAN!EGOS AU

i got a surge of inspiration and started creating my own versions of the egos! its still a work in progress but i love them to bits and im really excited to share them

JACKIE

grew up in an abusive household, emotional and sometimes physical abuse

parents screamed at each other all the fucking time, father was an alcoholic

Left home as soon as he was able to live by himself (16)

he’s 22 now

poor

trans boi, on T, wears a binder cuz he can’t afford top surgery

lives in an apartment with two roommates: Max, a philipino sound designer and independent musician (they/them) and their girlfriend Nilanjana (Nana), a buff training coach from indian descent

Jackie is in a queerplatonic relationship with them: they cuddle and kiss on the forehead during movie nights and all that cute shit

he has a part-time day job to pay the rent and bills: he gives self-defense lessons

he drinks his respect women juice

vigilante at night. gets hurt a lot. his roommates think he fights in an illegal fight club for extra cash and are worried about him

wants to save people and spread positivity wherever he goes

but he has the wrong way to go about it

basically he does the PMA thing wrong and thinks any kind of negativity is bad and tries to force himself to be happy all the time. 

not healthy, someone help this poor boi

anger issues, undiagnosed ptsd and ADHD

antsy boi! stimmy boi! He’s always bouncing on his feet or humming a tune or fiddling with his hair

aromantic asexual

pure of heart, dumb of ass. seriously, he’s such a dumb, but he does have street smarts

vitiligo!!

light blue eyes, dyes his brown hair lime green

extrovert, loves people

the kind of guy to record himself doing parkour and post it on tiktok

team hot cocoa

for the love of god please don’t give him coffee, he’s enough of a jitterbug already

wants a dog. prolly needs an emotional support one.

plays the drums. Fished a beat-up set somewhere, would like a proper one

fights with his fists and a wooden staff

no special powers, just self-taught fighting skills, natural flexibility and talent at acrobatics and rigorous training

MARVIN

he was born with green cat eyes, the physical representation of his extremely potent magic. parents were freaked out, and basically hid him away

had no control over his powers as a baby, would wreak havoc around him. think Mob from Mob Psycho 100

the upper side of his face was badly burned when he lost control of his powers as a toddler, so he wears masks to hide the scars. the cat one is just the one he wears most often

“hey, nice mask!” “it’s a prosthetic.” “...oh.” (it’s not that bad really, he’s just really self-conscious about it)

he was homeschooled his whole life and generally wasn’t allowed to go out much, so his social life/skills are nonexistent

his parents are famous fashion designers

they’re super rich and travel the world and send him a ridiculous amount of money every month

they say it’s for work but the real reason is that they couldn’t deal with having a “freak” as a son but couldn’t abandon him without getting bad PR

so instead they just took their distance and left him to live in a big-ass mansion by himself as soon as he was old enough (10 years old)

they dont really care what he does. last time they called him was when he was 13

last time they sent him a birthday card was when he was 18

now he’s 24

(and at this point he makes me think of bruce wayne lmao. he needs an alfred)

since he has money and home, he doesn’t need a job, so he just stays cooped up in the property and almost never leaves, he orders his food and groceries to be delivered to him

he’s basically a hermit at this point. and a huge nerd

he tries to use his natural magic as little as possible, (hello trauma my old friend) so he still has flimsy control over it

instead he dabbles into wicca and the occult to do stuff

A bookworm, quite serious, dresses like a hipster art school student. he wears SAROUEL PANTS.

glasses!! Big round rimless glasses!! soft!!!!

long brown hair, messy bun, dyes the tips dark green and purple 

disaster gay

“sleep? what’s that? i only know coffee”

has three cats he rescued himself: Spades, Jasper and Poppy

has a huge greenhouse linked to the main building. he likes gardening a lot, whether it’s for his craft, for cooking or just because he likes seeing plants flourish

HOW THEY BOTH MET / IDEAS AND SHIT

Jackie tried to take on a whole ass drug ring and bit more than he could chew at the time so he got beat up pretty bad. He managed to escape with his trusty grappling hook and swung around a bit before crashing through the glass ceiling of the greenhouse while Marv was tending to his plants, in the early morning.

Long story short Marv is in a panic because a complete stranger (also the only human being he’s interacted with in months) just flopped in front of him and is probably dying and he wants to call an ambulance.

jackie: *beaten black and blue and coughing up blood* jackie: oh hey how’s it goin’ marv: *distressed nerd noises* marv: oh my god who the fuck are you but also are you dying in my house im calling an ambulance- jackie: uh yeah no please dont im kinda doing illegal stuff also i cant afford it marv: marv: wh-

also what if marv calls the family’s doctor since jackie won’t go to a hospital, and it’s fucking Schneep henrik: what the fuck did you do this time marv: it wasn’t me! jackie: your family doctor scares me marv: that’s why they hired him

maybe after that jackie keeps coming to see marv and marv is like “ugh you again-” and he always come to marv whenever he gets hurt, to get patched up by schneep. he broke the ceiling two more times basically they become “hey ron hey billy” vine, its just a habit at this point.

Marv is a rich boi that doesn’t know anything about life. at this point i realize he’s like a mix of Elsa and Rapunzel, and Jackie is kinda Flynn xD Jackie just… aggressively becomes Marv’s friend despite the magic man’s reluctance, and shows him the world. love me some smart grumpy nerd/dumb happy jock friendship

jackie: im your friend now marv: wh- jackie: *drags him outside* LETS GO CLIMB A BUILDING TOGETHER-

Marvin but he’s never been in a grocery store in his entire life because he just orders super expensive pre-made meals to his house or cooks his own veggies, and he’s just amazed at the first one they go to

like “wHAT, IT’S A ROW OF FREEZERS! Remind me to install one of these at my place!”

and Jackie, who just came here for bread and milk, looks at him fondly but also is very concerned. Also he doesnt question marv’s masks, he just thinks they look cool

@tabbynerdicat it’s my bois! @lilakennedy because i know you like those two, and your love for them motivated me to develop them first

[unironicduncanstan]

hhh i got a huGE jackson lore dump below;;;

official age is 16 (i think most of the contestants are but yknow)

the setting i imagine him the most in is total drama island/season 1!

he has a single mom, shes a young hippie who had him when she was 17 (33 now). shes very supportive and loving

this sometimes backfires bc despite being a young mom shes just old enough that when she tries to be cool its more embarrassing than relatable. ie. jackson spill me the tea. the lgbtea. the mood. the worm. please, open up to me, fam. talking to your mom about your feelings is Lit. jackson you’re really snatching my wig

he figured out he was trans and started transitioning at around age 12, and his mom let him switch schools to find one that lets him identify how he wants and also as a fresh start

in the beginning hes not out to anybody but his mom and maybe 1 or 2 of his closest friends, by the end of the td season he feels comfortable not only with the rest of the campers knowing but being broadcast to the whole world as trans. im a dramatic gay who lov es lgbt self acceptance ar cs what can i sa y,

he owns a pair of brendon uries “ARE YOU NASTY?” shorts bc,,, ms Jackson,,,,

mom bought him these as soon as he chose his new name, of course

as i mentioned in the first post his personality is like mostly chill but with a competitive side described as [charlie day screeching sounds]

this is because he has adhd and he likes competition bc it lets him have a focus but the hyperactivity comes out majorlY

his habit of getting himself and others fired up is viewed as both a blessing and a curse by his teammates bc like yeah man win us a challenge but also [covers ears]

would be the guy that suggests they put on war paint to ‘get into the mood’ if theyre losing

he’s always the first to start cheering his team on

he has a huge phobia of water/drowning, to which noah is dismayed with because. “you’re on an island. surrounded by water. On a gameshow. With Chris Mcclean. What. Do you think. is going. To happen”  

he of course has to swim in a challenge and sinks like a rock

duncan grabs an oar and starts tryna get him to grab it while dj and owen are just yelling in fear that hes probably already dead. bridgette is the only one that thinks to jump in to grab him while the guys keep dicking around lmao

later when ppl do find out hes trans, the first person in the guy group to comfort him is geoff who goes “dont worry bro, its no big deal, i mean noahs gay-” and the camera zooms in on noahs face as he pretends to be shocked

duncans attempt at comfort is stating that nobody has the time to care about gender when theres a shit ton of money at stake. and that if anybody does care pummel them

owen is of course a ray of sunshine who always tries his best for his friends so his reaction is to just build him up with reasons why hes just like a ‘’’normal guy’’’ in his eyes. ie ‘well you wear boxers, you know how to fish, you can burp at least half the alphabet, that sounds like a guy to me’

dj is the most personally supportive one, they bond a lot over being i guess what you could call non conventional men? since dj embraces his lack of what most people consider to be masculinity

at first noahs like don t look at me like im your lgbt mentor just bc im gay but he absolutely becomes. the lgbt friend that jackson goes to for advice and kinship

when courtney and him become friends shes very adamant about reminding him to stretch/breathe in the binder and not fall asleep wearing it (bc he abs olutel y would and has)

him and bridge of course become allies after she saves his ass and gwen and cody just kinda work into his circle through other friends

assuming he doesnt win a season bc like. i gotta nerf him eventually right, his reaction is more calm than he expected considering how intense he gets about winning, it feels like a weight off his shoulders

he has absolutely no fear about going home and facing his peers now that hes out bc of the relationships hes formed on the island and what theyve taught him and im cryign in the club just thinking about it thansk fpr coming eveyrone,

[pleasantbouquetgaygalaxy-blog]

Chapter 6 Being Me

I sat down at my desk and rubbed my eyes, it had been a pretty uneventful day, it was the weekend so that was always nice get some relaxing time. I looked at some apartments today, im looking to move to Florida within the next two years so I would like to find a place but that isn't want this entry is about its about being me. I flipped to a clean page and wrote the date and began.

So being me really isn't easy ( yes I know other people have it harder and yes I know it might be the one reading this and I understand, compared to most I have it relatively easy) but really I dont have that smooth simple life most would love to enjoy. My parents are really that rich, we survive on a month to month basis and really its starting to show on my mom,  she isn't the youngest person in fact she's almost 74, she loves what she does but she is getting up there and over working really isn't a option for her anymore, my parents rely on me to do most of the grounds work, I sweep our pool mow our lawn, paint out house and do laundry when needed, I cook breakfast and dinner and lunch and such and honestly I kinda love it, its nice to be on a working basis with my parents but theres some hard stretches. One being they are extremely homophobic, there isn't really anything that disgusts my mother more then the LGBT community, it was a difficult thing to come to terms with and I didn't really understand in my younger years why I couldn't love both, both sexes were human? Both were equals ( yes boys were sometimes stronger but girls were tougher) it was extremely confusing. I remember when my first girlfriend and I were holding hands and my mother saw I was subjected to a hour long lecture how I just needed to not love the same sex. It went on and on and the longer it went on and the more I said ok the more I felt pieces of me just die, it was as if I was signing away my life and it hurt so much. Not much has changed since then save I am more quiet about my love and preference. But onto a different matter

When I was 15 the incident came where I liked a boy, it was more a obsession the a crush and I never wanted anything so badly. He was the height of cool, he was the style I wanted to be and he was extremely popular with everyone even my mother liked him. It turns out that he was also the cruelest person I had ever met, to this day my esteem of myself is shaken, he went out of his way to spread rumors, he made sure I had no friends, anyone friends with me had no other friends, he made his personal mission to get every boy to hate me and not want to hang out with me.  The sole reason for this was that I was the child of the heads of the schools we attended and he found that unacceptable, he didn't want me to rat him out to my parents or any other teacher. It was one of the loneliest times of my life, I scrambled to have friends I tried in new and desperate ways to gain friendship each more painful then the last. I finally withdrew from everything, I started to inflict injury on myself in a trivial manner my happy go lucky self slowly but surely disintegrated, I gained friends through the internet and I refused to talk to people at school, it soon became a problem for I would rarely participate in the schools activities and my family was getting worried but then a magical thing happened the Boy got expelled and my life was slightly easier, there was some breathing room at last. I slowly pulled myself out of my hole little by little, I made some friends in the school I attended and they genuinely liked me and I them. But I had a bit before I was back completely on track but thats for a different night

I dropped my pencil and yawned, tomorrow is a huge day I dress as a vampire and go out into public, it will be fun Helena is joining in on the action which will make it twice the fun, I get to wear my new binder and thats always a joy to me.  I checked my phone and tapped out several messages to some friends before getting up and snagging a towel and my Old spice. I stood in front of the mirror for a moment running a hand through my hair wondering how I would look with the sides shaved and what Helena would say about it, I shrugged and smiles to myself “ you are a handsome boy “ I muttered and went towards the bathroom humming. Heres to another good day - Roman out.

[tumblunni]

Social anxiety C C C COMBO BREAKERRRRR

I had a real good day yo!!

I was in a really stupid emotional state at 4am this morning cos of a dumb nightmare about my abusive mum that i havent seen in 15 years. But at least because of it it prompted me to try and find the address of my childhood home again, and i successfully did and i had a huge nostalgia wave just looking at google street view. I dont know if i'll ever be brave enoughto actually visit there and walk down the same road again with my new and taller legs, but just knowing that its not impossible makes me feel a lot better.

But then srsly i was in real big panic attack shakes and i couldbt get back to sleep and i had a pounding headache and my eyes hurt and then when i finally passed out i kept waking up like half an hour later and having to go thru all the hell of getting asleep again. And then when i woke up at 5pm having wasted the whole day i realized my electricity was out and i needed to walk the 1.5km to the shop where i can pay the bills and AAAAGH giant headache and on the verge of tears and its the middle of a heatwave and my hair dye is all faded bad and so many damn excuses. And 'oh well itll take like 20 minutes to get ready and then what if i walk too slow and the shop is closed'. All the stupid reasons i use to excuse my social anxiety!

BUT IM REALLY PROUD THAT I STILL DID IT

I'm not just giving myself the 1.5 on my kilometres count, im definately getting two points for 'survived anxious social situation with style and grace'!

Cos seriousky cos of the heatwave i wouldnt be able to wear heavy baggy coat yo cover myself up, so i went out in a short sleeved shirt with my binder and i was really inpressed with how good i looked in the mirror. Yknow even tho my face was like sleep deprived mega anxious death hell! XD but yeahi managed to accomplish the Basic Things Of Daily Life despite being in my worst anxious state for ages, and i did it in sweltering weather and while unconfident in my ability to pass. I actually ended up having a swing in my step on the way back and enjoyed a completely un anxious walk for once! I just saw myself in the mirror in the supermarket bathroom and was like 'holy shit i look perfectly fine, what was i worried about?' And then i didnt completely fall apart due to the now new worry that if i was actually successfully passing then maybe i'd get kicked out for using the bathroom of my birth sex. It was a slow shopping day so nobody else came in there, it was fine. And i mean i'd still feel equally as anxious using the other bathroom, there arent any unisex toilets for nonbinary folk :(

But yeah i handled it really well!! Its such a small anxiety to other people tho and i still feel ashamed that i cant completely shed my peoplephobia all at once. But this was a really big step up that metaphorical staircase!

Oh and while i was there i actually felt confident enough to Actually Do Some Damn Shopping! I didnt just limit it to a basic run and gun, get in there, get the one thing and leave thing. I very often do that!! Sometimes it takes me two trips to the shops to get everything cos i got so anxious i just ran home after the first thing XD But today i actually wandered around the whole supermarket and checked if there was anything on sale or anything i forgot to put on my shopping list. Again, very basic thing that normal people do every day, but for me i usually get irrationally panicked so this was a disproportionately big accomplishment!

I BOUGHT A SHOES

I havent bought a new pair of shoes since like.. 4 years? 5 maybe? I cant recall if it was before i moved here or just after. I have a stupid habit of only owning one thing and only replacing it when its broken, because like.. Leftover instincts from being poorer. And its stupid cos im perfectly able to splurge on electronics or pokemon merchandise or whatever when i have spare money, yet when it comes to actual life necessities im like 'nah what a waste'. I guess its cos avoiding paying for them was a common experience during those homeless times, whereas splurging on self birthday gifts was not a thing i could ever do at all. Possibly this is the same reason i get easily suckered in by scratchcards and lootboxes, its easy to not notice how much i'm wasting when its not something i have a long experience with. Plus they kinda cheat by making each singular pull be cheap and then encouraging you to keep gambling fifty more times. But its only 2 bucks each time~fuckin hell im dumb to fall for that shit.

ANYWAY thats why ive been using the same shitty pair of trainers for like five years. Theyre really durable but theyre not exactly comfy or very good looking. Theyre like this neon green and yellow and black tron lines abomination that i DO KINDA LOVE but ive gotta admit that it doesnt fit with many outfits. I literally dont own a single other yellow anything.

So yeah i bought three pairs of shoes on sale for 15 pound in total HOLY SHIT thats a good dealio! I got some plimsolls/daps/im not actually sure what they call them in other countries sorry. Its like the fabric shoe but it has a good grip runner's sole to it? Always used to wear them in gym class at school, i liked them beter than trainers cos the sole wasnt as thick and inflexible. I mean im already clumsy without like 3cm more height on me! And then i got some sort of loafer thing thats similar but more The Comfort. And then i also got some super soft indoor slippers! So now i actyalky have shoes for differebt occasions!! Jogging walking and laying around being a couch potato! Not just wearing these big chunky trainers for all of that! I mean lol it used to be even worse, once my Only Shoes were actualky these huge mountain climbing boots XD i got them free from the homeless shelter and kept them for years after i left, even tho they were too tight and always cut up the back of my ankles. Ah, memories of past trauma! Why am i stirring up so many of these today!!

So anyway yeah thats my Very Boring Normal Day that for once i managed to handle like a normal human being. I'm proud!

Oh and i also got a glitter cowboy hat and i dont know why they were selling a glitter cowboy hat but it was the only sort of sun hat they had so i went with it. It kinda helps with dysphoria somehow?? Like i know people will criticize that part of my fashion first before they notice how ugly the rest of me is XD and its hard to be sad when you're thinking 'beep boop gender cowboy'

[teddy-feathers]

I haven't shaved my legs in like... Half a year? Cause it itches when ir grows back and I aint here to impress none of you, and also its a hassle when mostly my legs are covered so why bother.

But I wanted to try that sugar scrub thing cause bad set of days and anything to make you feel... Okay. Break the routine. Take care of youself.

So I did and shaved and theyre smoother than theyve ever been and... My first thought was how... Weird they looked. Girly.

And so yesterday I spent all day obsessing over how I hate my long hair and how without it my round face looks stupid and and and

... And I'm so...

Its weird how safe a binder feels. Its not that different from a sports bra but it feels different and I LOOK different

Like yeah im not perfectly flat but neither are non boobed chests.

And its weird because Ill look at the mirror and go "i look off" because booba make you look round and with a binder im square.

And while I feel guilty for it... I like looking square.

It all feels like... Like Im juat easily susceptible. But... I also try not to get attached to things I like.

I cant tell which is at play here. Maybe its all some sort of vanity.

Im not a guy - Erics a guy and he told me weeks ago and then came out at work and Im happy for him but im not a guy and the idea of people calling me such just feels like a hassle and wrong.

Ive been a girl my whole life and aside from that bs stage where I hated EVERYTHING about being a girl... It never bothered me the parts i have or the pronouns applied.

Well the period thing is bs and god I really think boobs are bullshit and want them gone...

Which is why ive been like... Testing myself.

And honestly. I dont fucking know. Or care.

Im me.

Just me.

Im just... Scared that being me isnt.

That it isnt okay or that I'm being fake or appropriating what isnt for me.

Cutting my hair doesn't change shit about me... But it scares me what people will see and say.

Im not a guy. Im not a butch lesbian - or a lesbian at all. Im not as work puts it "counter culture" im not... Anything really.

But sometimes I go to work and I have a bra on, or I dont which is annoying how naked i feel when i didnt sign up for boobs, or a binder.

And soon I may cut my hair off almost entirely because I want to and... I think most of the reason Ill hate myself for that is just how much of my life revolves around how people see me.

Im not here for anyone... But I dont want all that... Trouble.

I started wearing boxers at home. Its the nice balance of wearing no pants but also theyre like shorts so i dont feel naked.

And i wear my work clothes or leggings and a long top with them and wearing girly clothes seems less bad...

Dont get me wrong I LIKE my clothes a lot. Especially the ones i picked out and bought for myself without anyone around because... I bought them for me and I can feel that.

But I feel again like a huge fake.

Why wear a binder or boxers if i dont want anything to change much? Or if i cant narrow down what that much is?

Why bother cutting my hair if itll just make me feel exposed and wrong even if i want to do it?

Why do my naked legs look grosser to me now than they did when I didnt shave? How did the shape of them change so much?

Why does any of this MATTER to the point its bugging me, when it doesnt feel like it does or should?

Somedays I want to be hard lines. Others I want to be that sort of soft in all the right ways that ive never put in the work to achieve. Mostly though I just bounce between two different flavors of casually relaxed/cutish?

Idk. Gender is bullshit anyways. But its easy to SAY "just do what makes you happy" and its another to exist in the real world where if I or someone else doesnt like it I don't have a character slider to fix myself to how I feel.

How many times have I dont something only to hate it after the excitement wore off?

How many times has one wrong look set me into hating everything?

Being a girl... Even a lazy one who doesnt try. Is kinda like being invisible once I learned how to live inside myself.

Now I want to do things that will... Make me less invisible and in a way older folk will disapprove of and people will judge me on.

Idk how to reconcile that.

I don't know how bad i want this.

I dont know how much is fake or how much is just a struggle to find a bit of newness to push back all the bad emotions you know?

Avpd and self discovery is not a great combination.

"Whats the worst that could happen"? Usually youd be right but uh. The worst is self loathing and having to put myself back together after the fallout.

And ill ponder and stress about this... And ill either not do it and be sad, oe give into an impulse and emotionally shit will hit the fan.

Nonbianary feels like the wrong lable but. Ive never wanted to be a girl and even though I'm at peace with it i still don't want it.. And Im not a guy.

Eric knows hes a guy. A girl I know knows shes a girl.

Im just. A stupid attention seeking idiot.

[babbbyygurlll]

denied (2) | jungkook

member: jungkook

genre: fluff? angst? smut? i really don’t know

POV (point of view): jungkook pov until the end, then reader pov

- summary: She liked him and he didn’t like her. He was everything she wanted and she was everything he didn’t ask for. He was the only person she had eyes for and she didn’t even exist in his mind. However, this wasn’t the beginning for the two

note: hEYYY GUYS i’m back with part two of denied!! sorry for the delay i just went back to school and i have had 3 assessments due this week so i was very busy. thanks for so many likes on the first, i wasn’t expecting like 66 people to like it, that would be 65 more people than i expected. I would also like to mention before you read this, i have this in an Australian context. I am basing this off of my experience at a high school so i use “canteen” which is like a cafeteria? but yeah since i’m aussie its just easier to do this and also the reason for the area code in front of her phone number. Nothing important actually happens in this chapter, but don’t worry actual y/n x jungkook interactions should happen in the next chapter. aNYWAYS THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT AND ENJOY CHAPTER 2

+61 4568821: aye papiiiii

+61 4568821: did you miss me ?

+61 4568821: you were so harsh yesterday kook

+61 4568821: you lucky I have thicc skin

+61 4568821: almost as thicc as those thighs of yours

+61 4568821: maybe even that dick-

You: Jesus christ

You: I thought I blocked you

+61 4568821: lol dad

+61 4568821: I changed my numberrrrrrr

+61 4568821: my old one had a zero at the end

+61 4568821: now it's a one

+61 4568821: im like those bad infections you can’t get rid of

+61 4568821: im sure you have a lot of experiences with stuff like that ;)

You: You are kidding me

+61 4568821: iM mAKING A JOKE KOOKIE

+61 4568821: im not trying to offend my papi

+61 4568821: tbh I would still hit it even if you had an infection

+61 4568821: unless you have vagina warts

+61 4568821:

tHAT SHIT IS NASTY

+61 4568821: my pussy is a new concrete road not some bumpy brick path

You: How can I have vagina warts if I have a dick?

+61 4568821: man I wasn’t planning on giving a biology lesson so early in the morning

+61 4568821: but vagina warts are also known as genital warts kook

+61 4568821: and genitals include penises

+61 4568821: so it is very possible

+61 4568821: I have an educational question

+61 4568821: are boobs genitals?

You: anyways

You: Do you have a good explanation

You: For texting me

You: At 6:34 in the morning

+61 4568821: ahhhhh

+61 4568821: I have a really good reason

+61 4568821: okay okay here it goes

+61 4568821: its amazing

+61 4568821: so i wanted to tell you there is a bake sale happening at school this morning

+61 4568821: so you should go early

+61 4568821: to have some breakfast

+61 4568821: :)

You: Is that it?

+61 4568821: also

+61 4568821: to try out

+61 4568821: my new phone number

+61 4568821: :)

You: okay

You: Im gonna block you now

+61 4568821: wHATTTTTTTT

+61 4568821: man jungkook you and that block button are very intimate

+61 4568821: wHY YOU BLOCKING ME AGAIN

You: Cause you messaged me again

+61 4568821: whats so wrong with that

You: I don’t know who you are

You: And im not one to talk to strangers

+61 4568821: im not a stranger

+61 4568821: if anything im a nicer

You: Also you make jokes like that

+61 4568821: mY JOKES ARE FUNNY

You: not really

+61 4568821: wow kook

+61 4568821: that really hurt

+61 4568821: my body is in pain

+61 4568821: wait that's my period

+61 4568821: wELL YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE

You: I will leave then

+61 4568821: but but

+61 4568821: you are my medicine ☹

you: you don't need medicine for you period

+61 4568821: dang he got me on that one

+61 4568821: you are my aspirin <3

You: I need to get ready

You: Change your number as many times as you want

You: I will still block you

+61 4568821: okay I have a grand idea

+61 4568821: how about you go to that bake sale

+61 4568821: and buy some breakfast

+61 4568821: and I will stop bugging you

You: You serious?

+61 4568821: as serious as herpes

You: Fine whatever

You: Leave me alone after that

+61 4568821: OKAY KOOKIE

+61 4568821: p.s the sweet bread is the best

+61 4568821: SEE YOU AT SCHOOL

+61 4568821: wait don't see me

+61 4568821: I will see you

+61 4568821: but you won’t see me

+61 4568821: hopefully

+61 4568821: dONT GO LOOKING FOR ME BOY

+61 4568821: bye bye kookie <3

You: I told you to stop calling me that

+61 4568821: okay okay

+61 4568821: bYE BYE PAPIIII

You were smiling alongside your friends, with your binder in one hand and a sweet bread in the other. A smile was spread across your face as you and your friends continue to walk to school. It was a cold summer day, you were wearing your school uniform that reached just above your knees along with your ugly ass school blazer. It may be ugly, but you were freezing so you choose to look ugly and warm for that day only. Your heavy backpack weighed down your shoulders, it was filled with schoolbooks you barely look at and packets of snacks for when you get hungry in class. You had your hair out which was an inconvenience for you as it kept on getting in the way when you tried to take a bite from the sweet bread. You were currently still in your morning daze as your eyes began to droop whilst walking. Unfortunately you were disturbed when you heard a loud pitchy voice.

“Oh yeah y/n, why didn't you want to come to the mall with us yesterday? We were going shopping for Bella’s birthday party.” One of your friends, Anna asked you whilst shaking your shoulders.

“ahh you see, my mum said I had to look after Aaron after school so yeah I had that. I need to get a present for ___ though.” You retort back to your friend, ignoring her shaking whilst continuing to snack on your bread. You smile to yourself when recalling the events of yesterday and even this morning, when you were lying on your bed with a chocolate bar in your mouth as you kept on messaging jungkook daddy and papi.

“Why are you smiling to yourself y/n? You look like a pervert when you smile like that” Anna snarks at you in disgust before you hit her chest with your binder.

“Ouch y/n!” She screeches loud enough to bust your ears. Her face was scrunched in pain but instantly stopped to look at you. “Wait did you say Aaron?” She questioned with bright eyes, you already knowing where this is going. “Yes I did” You said as you all stopped at the stoplight.

“oh my god! Aaron is so cute, I wish I had a baby brother” Your friend continues to whine whilst stopping her feet like a baby. You smile to yourself again as your friend takes the bait. “Why have a baby brother when you already are one?” You comment at her with a blank face, but your statement causes her to slap your arm. Your other friends begin to giggle and laugh with their hands covering their face, like how any high school girl laughs. The stoplight turns green and you start walking across the street. “Don’t be so mean y/n! My cup size is larger than yours, I wouldn’t call me a boy with that cutting board you call a chest!” Your friend rebuts before stomping in front of you murmuring something along the lines I’m not a little boy. You finally reach the path walk and you see Anna marching away like a little troll with that big ass backpack. The rest of your friends continue to laugh their heads off, but you just get lost in your thoughts and then pulls your dress away from your chest to take a peak at your boobs. “They aren’t that small” you whisper to yourself before removing your hand from your dress and shove another bite of the sweet bread into your mouth.

Jungkook was just a small crush, or at least that's what you say to yourself. You like Jungkook but you wouldn't say you love him. You barely knew the dude and only had a few interactions before the text message incident yesterday. The whole Jungkook situation only started a few months ago. You were walking to the canteen with a huge grin on your face as you went to go buy your third snack today. You had two sandwiches today so you were craving something sweet. Banana bread crossed your mind and it wasn’t a bad idea, so you take out the exact change you needed for a slice of banana bread in the palm of your hand. Your smile takes over your entire face when you skip past the canteen doors into the humid slightly – smelly canteen, and as soon as you enter you lock eyes with where the banana bread usually are. Your soul almost left your body when you take notice that there is only one banana bread left in the brown basket. Your feet start moving before your mind even notices the tall male figure walking towards the basket. You push through crowds of people as they wait in line, you hear yelling and screams in your direction but you were only thinking of yourself in this moment.

The worried expression on your face begins to disappear when you are a metre away from your banana bread. But when you start to lean towards the basket, a large hand moves in front of yours and quickly grabs the bread so fast your eyes didn't even notice until you reach out to grab nothing. Your eyes pop out of your head and a loud gasp leaves your lips. A hand is on your chest as you stare into the man’s back. You were left dumbfounded, as your precious baby was snatched before your eyes. Your body was motionless as the man stood in front of you waiting to pay for your banana bread. Your body couldn’t react to the man whose back was currently facing you, but in your mind you were burning his head with your laser eyes. The boy awkwardly looks over his shoulder to see a small brunette girl in a slouching position, squinting her eyes towards him with her hands in front of her in a grabbing motion. When you realises he was looking at you and that wasn’t your imagination you stand straight and suspiciously starts whistling whilst playing with your feet. It took you a minute to notice the boy’s very handsome features. His jawline, his eyes, his shoulders. You were always a fan of broad shoulders and a muscular chest and this boy had both of those. You could also say his chest is better than yours, but his chest wouldn’t look good in a pink lacy bra so yours ultimately wins.

“Do you want something?” he asks with his eyebrows squished together.

“Well” you drag on and scratch the top of your head. “ Since you asked” you say before stopping and using your index finger to point to the banana bread in his hand. “I want that” You flash him a big warm smile, hoping to appeal to the stranger’s soft side. He fully turns around to look down at you then look at the banana bread in his hand. “This?” He says whilst waving the bread in your face. “Yes please” you hold your hands together and start to bat your eyelashes. He looks at you oddly for a minute and then grabs your hand. Your body jumps at the instant contact, before you could ask him what he is doing he places the banana bread in the palm of your hand and walks off.

“ Take it. If it causes this much trouble, its not worth it.” He murmurs as he brushes shoulders with you and exits the canteen. You look towards the exit and tilt your head in confusion.

“What did he say?” You ask yourself, as you try to remember what he said. “Excuse me, you are delaying the line” A loud voice yells in your direction, you turn around to see the canteen lady yelling at you. You run forward and show your banana bread to the women. You hand her the two dollars and fifty cents in fifty cent coins and slowly walk out of the canteen. The court yard is filled with students, but your eyes try to find the same tall figure that was in the canteen moments ago. You unwrap the banana bread as you scan the yard, but the same tall figure wasn’t to be seen. You start to walk away from the canteen and go back to your friends. The banana bread was being shoved into your mouth and you took a large bite, still thinking about that mysterious handsome boy.

Then and even now, you didn’t even notice that you have met that boy before. In fact you were quite familiar with the stranger, and he did appear in your past quite often.

“Y/n!!” Anna wailed once again, seeing her wave her hands in the distance. You were standing in place by the cross walk but you could see all of your friends a far distance away from you. You were daydreaming and they didn’t even notice you stopped walking until now.

“Come on y/n!” Anna yells for the hundredth time. Waves of laughter leave your mouth and you start travelling towards her. Before you could make a step you fell a small vibration coming from your back pocket. You reach behind you and squint your eyes towards your phone screen, if you weren’t smiling before you sure would be smiling now.

New Text Message Jungkookie <3: You weren’t wrong about the sweet bread

An unexpected warmth spreads through your body and even hues of red appear on your cheeks. You shove your phone back into your pocket and start attempting to run towards Anna, which is more like waddling with that heavy backpack. As you sprint towards Anna, you shove piece of sweet bread into your mouth. You giggle to yourself when you realise Jungkook is eating the same food you are right now and tasting the same flavours you are right now, but if anything you are glad you got to repay him for the Banana Bread.

[julucid]

Feb 19' 18 / F9 / Walk

just a bunch of fragments. the dream made no sense, just me going through the motions of the scenes. i did a shit job of describing but i wanted to try force a near-daily habbit of logging

its raining outside and im inside a school. i couldnt see the hallways of the whole building because the second floor is completely pitch black and that made the whole building vague to me. i dont know if that floor was out of bounds but there was a middle aged lady, who had the look of a kind librarian, guiding people through the hallway so they dont get lost in the 2nd floor forever. she was hesitant at first when i wanted to pass and i think i gave her a lie, saying i needed to go down to the first floor to give them some papers but in the end she walked me there.

im in a classroom now, but for some reason, all my clothes were there. they were on my open-rack "closet" and everyone was just looking at them. Raina was pointing at a crop top (that i dont actually have) and saying how she wanted that one and i told her that its mine. then i thought about it again and felt bad so i said she could borrow it for a day just so i could see how it looks on her and ill think about it from there.

im still in a classroom but its full of different people now. i cant see the desks or chairs but there was this huge wooden file cabinet on the corner of room. i never found out what was in it but i just thought that was important to see for whatever reason. people were packing up their stuff and i couldnt see how big my packback was but it was full of fat binders and textbooks and i spent like 15 minutes trying to arrange them in a way that doesnt look dumb bulky. and i also thought i would fall over in the dream if i didnt since i got used to being screwed over by dream physics lmao. Keilly was there and i think i wanted to talk to her so badly or maybe walk her outside but it was raining and i could feel the cold even inside the room--- my mood and patience was getting more and more sour.

im trying to walk through the desks that i couldnt see, and my bag's pretty thin despite all the weight it was carrying now so i felt and lookef awkward moving around. i couldnt lean or turn my body in certain ways so when people opened the door out of nowhere and bumped right at me, i just lingered there for a moment face to face with them, feeling their breaths on my cheeks until i forced myself to shimmy out slowly.

the rain outside was cold, like it was the start of fall weather but we were all still wearing light clothes. most of us only had a shirt under out sweaters. i didnt see anyone else when i walked to the "bus stop" it didnt look like one and i dont recognize the neighborhood.

i think i was zoning out since all i looked at was the ground. the only part that stood out to me was this curved slope up--instead of a ditch or a simple step. it was covered with colorful decorative tiles you'd find in those mosaics. the rain had stopped now at this point and the sun was back up even though i thought it was already pass sunset when i just got out the school. it no longer felt cold like fall, and the made a nice warm mix feeling with the after rain chill.

i put one foot on the tiles, and i knew i would slip cause they were still freshly sleek from the rain. but i somehow didnt even though the back of my knees had that weak feeling to them whenever i get too hesitant. then i just walked far from the bended edge, there wasnt much space between slipping and the building that it was connected to. i stopped near the end, it felt like a platform of some sort for something even though idk how a bus could even get there. i stood there daydreaming within a dream until i saw someone walking towards me. it was Jocelyn, havent seen her since elementary school but i knew it was her even though shes grown so much. she wasnt wearing any shoes and there were puddles everywhere. her feet were muddy and she was coming up to with with muddy hands too like shes just finished playing around the rain. i was gonna greet her but she suddenly tried to put her muddy hands on my face and i tried my best keeping her arms still. my stomach hurt from laughing and a little fear and i lied saying i was extremely germophobic lol but i just didnt wanna think about having the mud all over me. idk how to explain the feeling, but i dont like how it would dry up and turn crusty and crumble off if your skin brushes against your clothes.

the last part of the dream was another guy walking up to us who also didnt have shoes on. we talked and i asked about his feet since they didnt look muddy so i wanted to know his reason. and he showed us a foot and i wanted to scratch out my skin. it looked like a cracked desert floor, like those graty/rough prickly textures some apartment walls have in brooklyn. it was dry as hell and i couldve sworn i saw a few tiny shaved pieces of his foot fall slowly like paper. i think i said something like "its no longer soft like cheese" 😂idk what it means but i agree

[archive4287508084]

same anon / the noctis one! sorry i should have clarified

its ok!!

i put it under cut cause its a lot

im not sure how to write this out so its kinda messy sorry

i was closeted ftm. prompto was the first one i told and it was highschool and i remember it rlly clearly and it was .. v nice… like he had no idea what it was but did his research and even tho he was awkward about it he tried to help ? he sometimes lend his clothes to me since i only owned fancy dresses for meetings which was very sweet i love him. also he had a huge crush on me which was very obvious and i rlly liked him too but i had to turn him down in subtle ways (since he like never officially confessed) because i already knew in hs that there would be an arrangent marriage.

on the trans thing idk when i told gladio or iggy but they knew before the roadtrip.

i looked a lot like my mom which is one of the reasons i just couldnt tell dad. i felt like would disappoint him not only in my duty by not being a princess but also on a personal level by trying not to look like her ? and i know he wouldve just accepted it and supported me hes a good father but that wont stop personal hurt and disappointment so

the thing that rlly confuses me is that i dont remember ardyn the crystal and the whole prophecy. at least not related to that time line ? ive been trying to make sense of it but my theory is as cheesy and fanfiction-y it sounds is that maybe after getting rid of ardyn the first time and fulfiling my destiny i got another shot at life without those things. which would explain a lot of complicated feelings and memories that dont match up with one another or just feel wrog to be considered in the same life. actually im kinda sold on the two canons/lifes thing its just smt rlly embarrassing to admit tbh. but to continue with the non chosen king canon.

there was still a war but it wasnt ardyn who was the mastermind behind it.

the attack also did happen while i was on my way to marry luna. from there on instead of seeking gods blessings and trying ti get the crustal back it was more about securing my peoples safety and seeking out luna. also after the attack i cut off my hair (well iggy fixed it so he mostly cut it) and started wearing a make shift binder. i dont remember much else from that time tho ik that after all this i faked my own death (since everyone remembered me as a princess it wasnt hard) and just kinda stayed with prompto near hammerhead as hunters and i got my happy ending which is nice and also i love my canon husband prompto argentum. i do feel bad about not continuing my bloodline though or maybe i did idk. idk what happened to the throne or well i dont remember but honestly i doubt i just left eveyone to themselves and i did take it back from the nifs so i prob made a good decision for my people? i wish i would remember more so i could stop feeling lowkey guilty but yk

and on the second canon thing i wasnt trans and it was closer to the canon one. i havent really made sense of it yet but i do remember some stuff that doesnt make sense to talk about rn. like just small memories that dont have much meaning for your question so i wont talk about it uh thats it

i left out luna theres a lot of heavy stuff revolving around her that i dont wanna talk about publicly so send me a message off anon if you wanna know