#also now that i'm an Adult(tm) with More Life Experience(tm)(tm) (this is a cue for my older mutuals to laugh at my precociousness or w/e)

[hua-fei-hua]

when i was a kid i really resented the fact that my mom kept forcing us to check out nonfiction books alongside our fantasy novels in order to "broaden our minds" and basically ensure we were learning Real Factsies(tm), but now that i'm older, if i don't go off and learn some Real Factsies(tm) every so often, then i'll end up finding my fictions dull and uninspired

[velvetvexations]

Oh btw about predatorjacketing and kinkshaming trans people;

This is generally going on among modern fandoms and among young queer and trans adults outside of just transfems.

I've seen plenty of non-transfeminine nonbinary and transmasculine folk get hunted down and harassed over cartoon porn they draw. I don't know in detail if it's more frequent or violent towards transfeminine folk (it could be, - given how mainstream transmisogyny relates to the gay or gnc men as predators myth).

I'm transmasc and I don't have a NSFW art platform at all because I'm THAT scared of people finding it, associating it with my mains and then slandering me over it. I can not find community around my kinks etc. because I feel unsafe to discuss that with the vast majority of people. And yes, my transness is a factor. I always feel that it if I was a feminine cis woman I would be seen as cute and innocent. I have a very deep instinctive feeling that my transness to many people represents a sexual threat and that it's easier to demonize me over kinks bcs I stick out too much etc.

Even in a women's changing room I feel that my masculinity is in this stark direct contrast with most people I share that space with, - that I have to be really careful of how I move, where I look and how I come across. I have felt for my whole life, even when being a fem presenting teen, that I am clocked as a boy thing that doesn't belong there. Now on T, with boobs... I also have to avoid talking in those changing rooms. In the company of really fem presenting cis women I feel socially and culturally hypersexualized for my deviant masculinity, for being an apparent dyke in the midst of women. I have cptsd from being around feminine people because of how othered I am + some experiences of being subtly ruled out of the Girls TM club.

Being a sexual being with my kinds of sexual interests while having this experience as a transmasculine person is something quite vulnerable and difficult to fully become confident in and love oneself about. I think transandrophobia and transmisogyny have that whole "you're a predatory impostor among women" thing and "you emasculate straight cis men by existing" thing in common... Just from a slightly diff. angle but there's so much similiarity.

A lot of the chronic policing between transmasc people over kink and sexuality is actually a result of internalizing the idea that we are dirty masculine predators. There is a high social pressure to be cute, feminized, sanitized and say "PROSHIT DNI >:/" because transmascs have an instinctive self-awareness of how we're easily thrown to the wolves when our gender-nonconformity or sexuality is no longer cute and Christian Values Friendly enough.

Being terrified to death about some kind of predatorjacketing over writing fanfic or drawing weird cartoon porn isn't exclusive to transfems. Any transmasc person encaging in fandom or any online art subcultures is waaayyy too intimately aware of this fact 24/7.

Oh and? Transmasc people with feminine partners who are tops / encage in some kind of roleplay where they're in the 'aggressing' role are extremely stigmatized too. I see people instantly write this off as toxic masculinity or inherently gross because a transmasc does it.

A lot of transmascs (speaking from experience) who actually prefer these "scary" roles in fantasy etc., feel social pressure to over-emphasize how bottom uwu sluts we are. I've recently stopped doing this because I realized it makes me dysphoric + I only do it to make my sexuality more palatable to other people. And I see so many transmascs as like... Having to reduce themselves to these cute slut boytoys. While I fully believe this is the authenthic preference of many of them, I think as a transmasc there is a strong social pressure to be /that way/ because being seen as Gross Threatening Men is like a social death sentence.

(there's a lot of good discussion about everything on this blog btw and I love to read it. I just wanted to add 2 cents to the anti kink vs trans people discussion.)

I don't think there's any difference literally at all between how transfem and transmasc sexuality is "handled" by the internet. People have it in their head that everything is an exact 1-1 of everything else so the fact that a trans woman is more likely to be visibly tagged as a pervert just for walking down the street (transmasc members of Velvet Nation please let me know if that's inaccurate) gets transferred to the internet as though everyone treats trans men who have being trans in their bio as the first thing everyone sees as cis men.

At most TERFs might report trans women more often and I don't want to downplay the seriousness of that but get fucking real if one doesn't think trans men aren't under constant scrutiny.

[crimeronan]

What’s your opinion on transfemme hunter + lumity polycule, without willow. Or maybe lavender winter with Gus. Asking cause I really like your thoughts on these things?

i'll be real i love both. the thing about me is that i will enjoy any poly configuration of friends, especially ones that play with gender and sexuality. i've seen more controversy with both of these than even with lavender winter, though, which makes me cautious in how i talk about them. because i am constantly aware that a large part of this fandom has High Standards for when ships are Unproblematic (TM) and i'm like...... i think i interact with media differently than you do. please don't eat me.

anyway with the hexsquad i've seen gus described as "guy in the polycule who's not dating anyone, he's just there" similarly to lilith in any constellation of the adults, which is fine and fun. i also think that once they're older, though, he does not Have to be? i get squicked out by interpretations of gus that are like "he's hunter and willow's baby" because uhhhhh. there are Several Episodes completely dedicated to why that is 1) not true, and 2) a disservice to him.

there's an assumption that anyone who polyships hexsquad wants a 12-year-old to date a 16-year-old but like. i've already said i think lavender winter would figure their shit out later in life. if gus joins the polycule when everyone's in their mid-to-late twenties then the age gap Does Not Fucking Matter.

but like. i know that's controversial. these characters aren't real people and i don't know why ppl are still following me if they have an issue with Problematic Content given some of what i've written about hunter and/or princess luz, so. i shouldn't be anxious about stating this. i've just been thru some shit in past fandoms so i'm always expecting the worst. Be Nice To Me.

as for lumiter with transfem hunter, i similarly love it, and that's precisely Because i'm a dyke with a lot of transfem acquaintances i'd be into in a heartbeat. like join my polycule. i am not exaggerating when i say that every "cis guy" i had a crush on in high school (who i thought could maybe save me from my gayness) later transitioned. or that all the things i found fun and attractive about them turned up 100000x percent once they felt comfortable presenting as women.

like sexuality is fluid and i'd still be a lesbian even if i'd crushed on cis guys who were still cis guys. but it makes me laugh. and hunter is one of those characters who can easily be trans in any direction, and i Love Transfem Hunter So Much.

i do still want willow in there though. like if i have a choice between lumiter with willow and lumiter without willow i'll pick willow every time. by itself, tho, still a Great Triad. a+. very clearly something i'd be happy to write.

i guess the takeaway here is that shipping "rules" don't matter so much to me now that i'm in my late 20s and know what i'm about and know why i like things or don't like things. and the other takeaway is that i'll ship Anything that i find cute or interesting. i like transposing my experiences to the media i consume! this is how most people do fandom!

[corvuscorona]

speaking of bein on the computer. found this channel a week or two ago & it made me feel pretty significantly less insane than usual.

I follow a lot of channels that do videos about hardware & programming & linuxes & obviously MOST TO ALL of them are hosted by men. lot of them are very cool! I learn a lot. but I also can't help but get tired of just. Constantly thinking "what are the women who DEFINITELY ARE INTERESTED IN THIS STUFF doing instead of wrangling youtube channels." as one does.

most of the videos on "veronica explains" are more scripted than this one (& those are good, too. I learn!!), but this is the kind of thing I'm Exactly interested in & try to research and play around with on my own time, so listening to a Real Live Adult Minnesotan Mom Type Individual talk through the setup process live was like. wow! she's literally me! & that's nice to have sometimes.

I don't think I'd like grapheneOS, but FIRST of all it's nice to know how low-fuss it seems to be, and SECONDLY this reminded me that I should really try to VM some smartphone OS-es in my free time so I can find one I do like!

just makes you feel a little more grounded in your own hobby, seeing Content (tm) from people who probably have life experiences that are a little more like your own. now I am starting a counter for "how long until a woman makes listenable videos about dwarf fortress." so far we have men from like half the countries on planet earth, and low-dialogue stream VODs from one vtuber with a robot voice. and mirakurutaimu but she stopped playing. so. my money's on "heat death of the universe," basically.

[halowritesthings]

i love learning about things a week late through youtube recommendations from random channels i've never seen before

(bad grammar and typos cause i'm shooting my shot as fast as possible so I can get back to Important Adult Stuff(TM))

i suppose i can't really gripe because i'm still largely logged out and wouldn't have heard otherwise so maybe I should take it for what it is

i know i'm a random person who writes as a hobby so I don't necessarily "owe" anything to people online, but y'all have been so sweet to me and I feel it would be unfair to keep dropping off the face of the planet like I have been, plus, I have been stewing over quite a bit of my thoughts these past few months and making a large "get all my thoughts out in a word vomit" post is a good way to A.) sort out my shit and B.) to procrastinate homework

college is BEATING MY ASS and i'm not even at the harder junior/senior year type stuff so even if my writer's block wasn't the worst it's ever been I highly doubt I would be writing anything anyway. i cannot say for certain when I'll be able to get back (it seems the universe is tailored specifically to punch me in the face whenever I have the slightest inclination to do so) but i will say it is always on my mind. i don't ever want to give up writing fully because of how many good things it's brought me but i want to be mature and say that it has taken a backseat in my life.

i still don't regret the things I've created and i will always be thankful for the experiences I've had + the friends I've made (even if we haven't talked in a while :') sorry guys) BUT this situation has just become the nail in the coffin for me in terms of what i want to do with my ds/mp and other adjacent fics. i can't say for certain what I'll go through and orphan/keep or just outright delete (WIPS/unfinished series will probably get deleted is what I've decided so far) so this is a BIG WARNING sign right here and now: if there are any ds/mp fics of mine you are fond of, please go and save them now. even if you think the one you really love is "safe" it's better to be cautious and have it yourself than hope for the best outcome.

now's a good time to mention that i have been feeling similar feelings toward my fl0wer husb4nds fics (gonna come out and be honest: i don't particularly care for sc0tt anymore, sorry) so if you like those you should also search them out. i think a hard majority if not all of them will be orphaned, so they'll still be up, but it never hurts to be able to read something while offline anyway

however, due to the aforementioned Important Adult Stuff(TM), i won't be able to get to the whole Properly deleting/orphaning process for a hot minute. that does not mean you should put off saving my fics because my brain could decide one night that i HAVE to do it IMMEDIATELY, but i can promise that it's not happening tonight (might hold off for at least a week just to give people time to see this post).

TSALP, my pride and joy, is perfectly safe and fine. when i think about whenever ill be able to write again, this series is the First thing to pop up in my mind. i have so many things i want to do with that series (and h3rmitcr4ft as a whole) that make me smile despite all that has happened surrounding mc/yt. someone will need to threaten me with death to make me even consider giving that up. hell, even taking a step back, i can say that i will never fully let go of mc/yt. i straight-up have tickets to go see tommy's america show later this month (send my dad well wishes as he's the one taking me LMAO) .

remember to drink water, take breaks, tell your friends you love them etc. I'm terrible at giving advice since I'm a bonafide mess of a person, but i will say that the best thing you can do for each other is support one another. i've always been a bigger fan of giving support to those who are hurt than trying to go and cause more pain to the people that you can argue "deserve" it. the people you care about are going to be with you much longer than the assholes, so be sure to put more energy into focusing on them than the ones that don't even deserve your scorn.

[thedisablednaturalist]

My theory on why people have mid life crisises:

I think in the first part of our lives, when we are young, we spend a lot of time waiting. Waiting for the weekend, waiting for our birthday, waiting for our favorite holiday, waiting for vacation, waiting for finals to be over etc. Time seems to go by faster because we have taught ourselves to wait to enjoy things. We want the hard stuff to be over quickly so we can get to the good stuff. The good stuff being rare for the working class as we spend most of our time, well, working! And in our young adult years working is especially awful bc we have to prove our worth, don't usually have great benefits like vacation time, have to take more hours, and any free time we get we have to spend on adult responsibilities. So instead of being present, we turn our brains off and try to live in the future. And once we get to that future it goes by super fast because we've been living in it for a long time already. And especially for people who are working (and not still in college), life starts moving really fast. So in your middle twenties through your forties you're on that grind, years pass as you go to different jobs, move up the ladder, etc. And once you finally reach a point where you are stable and can afford more expensive things, go on vacation more often, take long weekends and actually enjoy your free time cause you can afford paying people to take some of the responsibilities off your shoulders, you start living in the present again. And then you realize oh shit! Look how much time has gone by. And I spent it all suffering compared to now! I'm already halfway through I gotta make the most of every moment! I can't believe I didn't do all these things I wanted to do! And then they get an expensive car, try out different clothes, because they are afraid to live in the present. Now they want to live in an idealized past. They don't want to live in the future because that's closer to The End.

Its probably different for people who aren't middle class American office workers. And I've noticed that most of the time, the ones who get mid life crisises are middle age, upper middle-class, American men! Correct me if I'm wrong but you don't hear much about it in different cultures, at least not in the same way. People may be sad they aren't young anymore but they aren't having a Midlife Crisis (TM). But even that stems from the same core issue of being afraid of running out of time.

If humans were able to make the most of every day, to not always be waiting for the weekend or for vacation or important events, I think time would go by slower, or at least we'd feel more satisfied with the time we've spent. But our society has to change to one where people can be doing what makes them happy, and they don't have to worry about survival. People can quit jobs they aren't happy with, people don't have to work if they don't want to or can't, people can access medicine and transportation easily.

These are just some thoughts I've had while driving, please take it with a grain of salt I'm not an expert. This is also from my point of view and does not encapsulate the entirety of the human experience.

[edoro]

hey, I don't know if you've done one of these yet, but do you have any fics you'd like to recommend?

(more specifically hunter focused ones? I've read some of your stuff and you really nail the horror of trauma and the later impact of it and since you have a an understanding of the topic that feels realistic/relatable to me, you're opinions matter a lot more. But no pressure of course. I hope life treats you well, you deserve it.)

my fic recs tag has a couple of rec lists and scattered individual fics!

however it's been a little while since i did a rec list and people do put out new fics frequently, so, here's some i have enjoyed recently:

(long post, a few of these fics deal with incest and csa)

enough to leave scars by Haicrescendo is an absolutely love, deliciously bittersweet look at Hunter's Trauma(TM) through his own and Camila's eyes. it's just a really nicely done character study, where there are no quick and easy answers. there's no big cathartic moment where Hunter reveals everything - in fact, he doesn't reveal anything to Camila, but it's obvious enough to her that he's been mistreated, and she does her best to show him that he's safe here. he doesn't entirely believe it, but he starts to think maybe he can.

it feels very realistic without being completely bleak. there's no quick fix, no instant resolution, no soul-baring conversation, just a very damaged boy and a woman patiently trying to show him that he's safe now, and nothing is really solved by the end of it, but you can see how maybe it will be.

also, Camila takes Hunter to the vet office with her and he gets to hug a dog.

Learned Response by The_Escaped is another fun Hunter Trauma fic - one chapter out of a projected two currently posted, and the gist is that Hunter sees Luz's uneasiness with her mother and comes to an extremely incorrect but very understandable conclusion about why that is. good look at Hunter being jumpy and defensive of his friends around a strange adult who he has reason (per his own experiences) to believe isn't safe, without being over the top or sliding into melodrama. i'm really excited to see where the second chapter goes!

Taking Off by Heyguysitsme explores Hunter's relationship with authority via flashbacks about him learning to fly his staff and a present-day driving lesson with Camila. another one with Camila POV, which i really enjoy, where once again things are very strained and awkward between them and she doesn't really know why or entirely how to handle it.

a bad taste in my mouth by Dragon_Scales_And_Fairy_Tales is a fic about Hunter having an eating disorder. now i know i have complained about the popularity of the "Hunter is scrawny and underfed" headcanon before but i find this very plausible - it's all focused around his sense of control and fear and need to keep himself safe, rather than a nonsensically imposed form of abuse from Belos. so i really like this, but beware it's a very in-depth look into one potential psychology of self-starvation.

His Broken Bones Bear Witness To Haunting Illusions by Sigmu is an interesting post-canon take on Hunter's trauma. it's a very meandering, slow, reflective fic where Hunter mentally circles around and never quite directly looks at or touches what happened. there's a lot of general trauma and identity issues going on there, people including Hunter trying to move on and adjust to a post-Belos life, and more specifically the thing Hunter never quite faces head on is that Belos sexually abused him.

it's all very vague, although clear enough in its implications. Hunter feels a lot of guilt and shame and is determined to keep it private, and in later chapters is also very, very concerned with what happened during that period of time where Belos was alone with Luz. he never quite lets himself complete a thought about his abuse, so i'm excited to see where this is eventually going, if he's going to have a breakdown and end up revealing it to someone after avoiding it for several chapters, or what.

Caricature Carving by poni is one i think i already answered an ask about but i'll slap it in an official lengthy rec post as well. this is a fic where Hunter is sexually assaulted by a group of scouts and comes to Belos for comfort; Belos responds with possessive anger, victim-blaming, invasive creepiness, and eventually sexual abuse of his own.

it's unique for being Belos POV, which most of these fics aren't, and i love the exploration of his sense of entitlement, the intensity to which he objectifies and dehumanizes Hunter, and how deliberately manipulative and cruel he is. i'm excited for the last chapter!

the safe house series by paranoid_parallax deals with Hunter disclosing his sexual abuse at Belos's hands to Eda. at first, he sees it as having been consensual and even positive, but comes to realize it was in fact abusive, and struggles intensely with that. the first fic is about him working through that realization with Eda, and the second includes him talking about it to Raine.

this fic series falls a little bit into the "everyone is talking like they just read a therapy workbook" trap, but i still really enjoyed it. it caught me at a bit of an emotionally vulnerable time and something about it was just very gripping, almost wrenching - there is an honest sense of anguish, expressed as pus might be from an infected boil, in Hunter's simultaneous denial of his own trauma, self-loathing for what he sees as his part in it as well as his responses to it past and present, and desperation for comfort that he doesn't know how to ask for or receive.

See The Worst by anonymous is one i think i ALSO did an ask for, but: in Belos's mindscape, Luz and Hunter end up stumbling into a memory of Hunter being sexually abused. Luz struggles to understand what's even going on and then to understand Hunter's response to it. this is a bleak and painful look at repression as a defense mechanism, and how from the outside it can look an awful lot like not caring, and how hard it is to help someone who's stuck in such a difficult situation.

in the aftermath by clovariia is a fic about a quiet moment between Hunter and Belos following an incident of physical abuse. in it, Hunter struggles to reconcile both his love for and fear of his uncle. Belos is emotionally manipulative as fuck and it's all very creepy and faintly slimy. there are also vague implications of Hunter being a csa victim, but that's not the main focus of the fic.

Dawning by anonymous is a genre of fic i am quite fond of, where Hunter fucks something up and tries to offer himself up to fix it, leading to some awkward conversations. in this case, the awkward conversation is with Eda. vaguely implied/discussed sexual and also physical abuse.

A Fear Reflected by Jalules is about Hunter and Luz having a conversation in the middle of the night in the human realm, where he asks her what happened during those moments she was alone with Belos, and if it's what he was afraid it was. they discuss ways Belos wanted to hurt her, and while Hunter doesn't actually openly disclose having been sexually abused to her, she gets the gist.

and call them brothers by ElectricBoomerang is a very fun and bittersweet bit of speculation on how that memory spell Gus did might have worked - he ends up telling Hunter what he thinks he saw, and he and Hunter mutually put their pieces of the Hunter Identity Puzzle together.

[gothyanki]

For any: hate, bound, hunt

OC asks: not-so-nice edition.

Thank you!! Answering questions for Vin'ath:

bound: Has your OC ever been imprisoned or captured? What happened? How did they get out? Did the experience leave any scars?

They have (before the nautiloid, that is), and it set the entire course of their life. They were taken captive by mercenaries on Baby's First Practice Raid at the age of fifteen, where they were one of several adolescents sent out under adult supervision to conduct a raid on a small settlement. Unfortunately for Vin, the place wasn't quite as undefended as intelligence suggested; the leadership had contracted the services of a group of mercenaries/heroic adventurers(tm) and alongside the resisting people, they put up a real fight. The githyanki won, of course, but that victory wasn't entirely bloodless on their side. Vin, who'd managed to kill two of the "enemy" before being incapacitated, was left behind for dead and taken prisoner when the final accounting of bodies revealed they weren't.

This didn't quite sit right with one of the mercenaries, a drow paladin of vengeance named Iskrae. The others claimed various motives for holding Vin captive in grim conditions - hoping to ransom them back to their people, wanting to find out the location of the crèche - but Iskrae was well aware the real reason was revenge. Having come from a similar place to Vin, she identified with them straight away (probably more than with her own associates, who'd never fully trusted her). In the end, she turned on them to rescue Vin, breaking her oath in the process.

As an adult (and as a paladin now estranged from Iskrae, who became their mentor/guardian), Vin obviously has very complicated feelings about this. Guilt over what they did, trauma from what was done to them, relief that they never have to see the inside of a githyanki crèche again (or so they think), a whole tangled mess of gratitude and anger and love and resentment toward Iskrae herself... it's all there, babeyyyy.

hate: What does your OC hate? Why? How do they act towards the object of their hatred?

...unfortunately, the #1 answer to this is "Vin'ath". :( Their standard responses of "run towards it and hit it with a sword" (if the hated thing is tangible) and "avoid thinking about it ever" (if it's not) don't work very well in this case, so they cope by detaching and treating their body like a machine - they're here to fulfil the vengeance oath and hunt down the wicked, nothing more. Other people's kindness is something they really struggle with, because it puts a serious dent in this "I'm not a person" mentality. Karlach and Wyll were a bit of a shock to the system.

hunt: Who or what is your OC hunted by? A person, a feeling, a past mistake? Is your OC able to let their guard down, or are they constantly alert?

I've thought a lot about how "hshar'lak" literally translates to "traitor who should be hunted on sight", and I feel like that word would have wormed its way into Vin'ath's head. They're always looking over their shoulder, but the truth is no githyanki have ever actively come after them - they've had a couple of run-ins with gith raiders while paladining in the company of mercenaries, but those were encounters they sought out. It's that complicated messy mixture of feelings again - their worst fear is getting hunted down as a hshar'lak should be, but there's also a sense of longing present when they think about it (which scares them even more). The same part of them that longs for approval from a commanding officer wants their people to care enough to punish them and drag them back.

[haila-wetyios]

Character summary: Haila Wetyios

alias/nicknames: Wetyios, Love, Hels, Mistress Wetyios, Mistress Haven, GILF

gender: female

age: 103

zodiac: ----

abilities  + talents: Haila was practically considered an eminence in the study and restoration of Allagan tech back in the First. Though that was a very hard earned title that she spearheaded through sheer trial and error through the decades she was there. And... luckily for her, the First had more than enough tech to study and look into while having a foot ahead of the rest.

Other than that, her affinity for aether demands to have deep knowledge of aetherology to continue in her chosen fields of study. Knowledge is the best weapon, though if that doesn't work, she's not too behind on knowing how to at least defend herself physically. If all that fails as well, homemade guns are also a good alternative.

alignment: lawful / neutral / chaotic / good / neutral / evil / true

sins: envy / greed / gluttony / lust / pride / sloth / wrath

virtues: charity / chastity / diligence / humility / justice / kindness / patience

languages: Common Eorzean, very decent on Hingan, basic to intermediate knowledge of a now lost tongue of a Keeper clan, and basic Garlean and Allagan. Whether the First had it's own language or not, is something I'm still contending, but I might later update it to being my own true headcanon.

family: Oh boy, here we go.... Big post underneath

Wackwrulf Malurie (Biological father, deceased), Hilde Malurie (Biological mother, unknown), Hyola Malurie (Half Younger sister).

Leofric Wetyios (Adoptive Father).

Rutla Hann (Husband, deceased), Meam Carus Rhua (Eldest daughter), Rhea Meam Amatus (Middle son).

Luma Lee (Husband), Rohmio Lee ("Firstborn"), Helia Lee (Baby daughter), Howl Lee (Baby son).

friends: As expected from someone who has had a long lifespan and also thrown into one problem after another, most of the people Haila knows are either deceased or classified as missing in action. Even more, due to Haila's life experiences, the line between friend and Something More(TM) is almost always extremely blurry. Not to mention that people she considers friends on equal grounds are rare vs the unending number of unwillingly adopted manchildren she now has.

Among those where the line is just a smudge you can't read on your hand are Alexius Dion Edmont and Crific Storm. Both Alexius and Haila have agreed that in a different time, in a different life, they would have probably picked the other. But life circumstances didn't align at the right moment, so now they're just each leading their own life while still deeply loving and still caring about the other.

For Crific, the man is a walking disaster, and somehow she gained a taste for disaster (she is also a walking disaster). The easiest example of what kind of 'friendship??' this is, can be told in a single tale: There is no one who would walk into jail, hoist Haila over his shoulder and walk out the front door other than damn Crific.

As for friends who she considers as 'responsible adults' or on equal ish grounds, there's Sergius, the android that she keeps sending cute hand knit things to. Kazushige, the Au Ra who is on the verge of being demoted to manchild after his latest stunts. Rising, who's kept her spot on her list of 'responsible adults' (for now). Angel (who is also dancing between the line of adult and manchild). Cravendy, who is floating on a strange limbo that Haila still can't define at all. And Aislinn, the only person she trusts will remain as a responsible adult because everyone else is always at risk of being demoted to 'child'.

As for 'unwillingly adopted manchildren', there's quite a few. Among them are: Florus, Riylli, August, Mivo'to, Sosuke and Ino.

sexuality: heterosexual / bisexual / pansexual / homosexual / demisexual / asexual / unsure / other

relationship: single / partnered / married / widowed / open relationship / divorced / not ready for dating yet / it’s complicated

libido: sex god / very high / high / average / low / very low / non-existent / who knows

build: slender / average / athletic / muscular / curvy / other

hair: white / blonde / brunette / red / black

eyes: brown / blue / gray / green / black / other (Blue and gold/Red and Blue)

skin: pale / fair / olive / light brown / brown / dark / other

height: TALL

scars: Haila would probably talk of the burn scars she had on both of her hands which is why she wears gloves often. Or the mark right on the back of her head that would make one wonder what exactly stabbed her there and how she survived. But whenever her skin is on display, there's nothing to see of such scars there. The only predominant one is one in the shape of a nasty bite or tear on her right thigh, and even that one is subtle enough despite it's bloody history.

dogs or cats || birds or bugs || snakes or spiders || coffee or tea || ice cream or cake || fruits or vegetables || sandwich or soup || magic or melee || sword shield dagger or bow gun|| summer or winter || spring or autumn || past or future present

A few songs that remind you of them:

Yoasobi - IDOL (Huge recommendation despite the visuals being far brighter than the usual Haila aesthetic)

KOKIA - Karma

FGO - Koyanskaya's theme

Chainsaw Man - Sweet dreams

Madoka Magica movie - not yet

Tagged by: @snowbird-down (I did the last one you tagged me in with Rhua already!)

Tagging: @pollux-xiv, @riylli, @rhotanored

[the-paris-of-people]

8,12, and 17 for the nhie ask game 💕

8. What is your most unpopular opinion?

Oh boy, I have a lot.

Honestly my most unpopular opinion right now is that I don't think it would make sense for Manish and Kamala to get married at the end of nhie s4, and also I would be 100% fine with them splitting. I love Manish and Kamala individually a lot, but I'm not particuarly attached to them as a couple, and maybe it's just me projecting onto the characters, but Kamala's hesitancy to get married anytime soon/valuing her independence and agency is a journey I love and have taken and would love if the show focused more on that in the last leg rather than her and Manish's relationship, and I don't care if that occurs with or without him. I wouldn't mind if she and Manish ended up together though, as long as it was conducive to Kamala's journey.

My second unpopular opinion is that I'm a liiiiiiiiiiittle excited to see Ben and Margot date? Don't get me wrong, I 100% would prefer if Ben and Devi dated the entire season 4 (I stg if they don't have them interact until the last couple episodes I will scream) but I would like Ben to have a Des type experience where he gains confidence and realizes he's not this dick he makes himself out to be. Also I'm toxic and I want jealous Devi. Okay?? Selfishly, I just want her pining. But only for 3-4 episodes then they need to get it together.

12. What season has been your favorite so far?

UGH DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE!!! This was so hard because s1 had the most airtight plot and the experience of watching Devi as a protagonist was so special to to me, s2 was when I first started seeing the FULL POTENTIAL of Benvi and gave me some cxgf vibes, and s3 was when all the characters had the most amazing arcs, Nalini and Devi became closer, and we got that epic romcom finale so I'll have to choose s3. That was so hard though!

17. Anything you want to rant about? (Aka more unpopular opinions)

This is more fandom related, but I wish more people wrote adult Benvi! There are so many fics of them from when they were teens and younger and while I like that I would love more fics of them grown-up and happy! Also very few people can write Ben and Devi well, I feel like sometimes they're just general fics with their names in there and I wish there were more highly character specific fics.

Another unpopular opinion but I think Ben's episode in s3 was my least favorite s3 episode. I absolutely loved his s1 episode about his home life and I really liked the message of the s3 episode and his interactions with Devi and Paxton but I find Ben's internal monologue about pressure not as fun or interesting to watch as Devi's shenanigans. Honestly, now that I am writing it, I think it's bc the episode was about school that's why I didn't care as much LOL. I also am not the biggest fan of the redemption arc for his dad- like it annoys me that Ben needed that external validation to have the stress lifted off his shoulders when Howard has been a shitty parent. Not that it's not realistic but it was annoying.

I personally don't believe that Ben was in love with Devi or vice versa before that moment in the principal's office that piqued his interest in episode 2, just because I think love is a very deep emotion and I like the idea of them falling in love as they got to know each other than I like the idea of them being in love (whatever that means to you as a kid) and realizing it suddenly.

Not unpopular, but we need to have a discussion about how Devi has heart eyes tm jealousy tm love tm for Ben, and how the rest of the love interests serve to strengthen their relationship which I honestly kind of love. Essentially, there's not enough Devi loves Ben discussion on here so I need to see it. Going into my next point, Devi NEEDS to tell Ben how she feels. I need her to tell Ben when they're both finally single that she wants to be with him the last couple months they have of college, I need her to make a big dramatic love confession, I need her to explain her feelings and why she dated other people instead of him and how she wanted to date him. Like I need her leading the charge on all of this (and I'm 99% sure she will)

[ursbearhug]

Back breaking pain diary:

Concept of losing virginity is so fucking funny to me. I've lost a lot of things in my life. I've lost pens, I'm notoriously losing socks that disappear without a trace in a laundry process, I've lost a phone once. But "losing' something means you're unable to find something, have less of something or to not win, doesn't it? Whoops, I've stumbled and now I'm not whole and also pregnant. Has anyone seen my virginity? Hilarious.

It feels some type of way when someone tries to admonish you and prevent you from Big Bad Sickness TM coming from wearing a mask, doing so while smoking a cigarette. ???. Am I the only one unable to make sense of it? I was also completely unable to find reliable and reputable sources on how wearing a mask makes your lungs go to shit. But that's okay. Next time I'm operating on someone's dog, I'll make sure to spit and sneeze right into their open abdomen because I'm afraid of my lungs being sore due to a mask. I'll put out my cigarette on their liver while I'm at it. Just to really put a salt to the wound, if ya know what I mean. "Don't wear a mask! Your lungs will get damaged! Might as well wear dirty underwear!". Nice try but there are gays who are into that and we don't see them dead on the pavements. And I'm willing to bet my arm that more people are dying weekly due to smoking than yearly due to wearing a mask in a public places with shitty ventilation.

I also find it really sad when somebody tells me that they cannot treat other adult person seriously if they're going anywhere with companion. Somebody going to a doctor with their sibling, parent or partner. Actually, partner is excluded for men. Because if a man goes to a doc with his mother, he's big stupid and not worth treating with respect and as an adult. But if man goes to a doc with his wife? Well, all is well on planet Earth. It's only normal we carry our possession with us at all times. Cause you know how women are objects, right? Plus, men are so stupid, how is he supposed to understand what doctor is saying to him? He doesn't know how to take care of himself! He's a man! Men are stupid, duh. Have you ever seen a man cook, use a broom or do the laundry? No, no you didn't because men don't do that. Men work and watch football. Because we can infantilise men to rid them of all guilt and wrong doing. Unless it's a man suffering from social anxiety, then we have to infantilise him in more obnoxious way and treat him like a fucking idiot, and refuse to treat him seriously even if he has similar work experiences. Sure.

[note-a-bear]

Also currently grappling with Big Feelings(tm) and I kind of want to share them with play friend tmrw, but also I'm not sure what any of it means.

It's not specifically about our situation. More that this week at work has sucked, and in all seriousness I realize I need to figure out a better distribution of my time and energy outside of work. Which means, right now, kind of not *actively* seeking new people in any real sense. Like, I'm not going all No New Friends here, but I think I have a solid group of people who are friends that I know will have more things going on that I want to join in on. And I want to continue to build those relationships.

I also have the playdate group who I think, for my own sake, I want to ask a little clarity on and figure out how that's going to work going forward. So far it's just been 'here's a calendar app, let's figure out a time'. Which is fine, but idk. I think I need a little more surprise/spontaneity, but our schedules are vv different.

Then there's some other folks I've met recently who I'm curious about as friends and/or smth else. So, it's kind of a full plate.

But in that mix is the unmistakable fact that, for me: play friend is the most exciting person in terms of playing (in future) and just general hanging out/going out vibes. AND there's also the thing that I respect her history and experience with the scene here and I want to learn from her and be around her on that level. Not like seeking a mentorship, so much as: I have so much fucking anxiety about being out dating and kinda speaking up in more structured play environments (i know this is inexperience talking more than anything else) that it helps to be like 'hey, can I buddy system this with you?' with someone who isn't also entirely new to the scene/space.

Idk, my fear is that it'll seem as if I want to lean on her unfairly, and I really don't want to be that kind of imposition in her life. And I *certainly* don't want to be in the way of her having fun on her own. Like. The whole thing is that I have time to give, she has limited time.

It's very weird to feel like 'I absolutely don't want the situation to change, or you to think that I'm wanting any level of exclusivity or priority' but also 'my plate is really full socially/romantically plus actual adult things are starting to catch up to me, so I really need to hunker down and focus on the relationships that are already in play in my life' AND also 'just because I'm not actively looking right now doesn't mean I don't want to go out and network (to be moderately cynical about it)'.

Which, in all honesty, I think she'd probably appreciate the cynical level of it most, lol.

Idk, I have a lot to mull over, but also a birthday party to enjoy.

[superpeanutgarden]

2023 in review

I started this year mostly alone. I had recently left a serious two year relationship and was working full time. I had started the process of returning to university after some time away, had been accepted, had gotten financial aid. There were some potential health issues that I had noticed, but I didn't have anything concrete to bring to the doctor yet. I was on the cusp of so much, and I knew it. I just didn't know what was ahead.

Since then, I have received a POTS Diagnosis, (yay) changed ADHD meds (unclear if they actually help), slept more during the day than I have since gaining sentience, and I got off birth control.

I started exploring polyamory in earnest and I actually really like it! I've currently got three partners and we have a really nice polycule!! (We joke that the plan is to take over our local ren faire and it's only halfway a joke actually). I had my first four way makeout session and it was hot as hell. I'm really enjoying being open and bisexual and polyamorous and having the freedom to flirt with whoever, but also to watch my partners flirt with people!! Like, seriously!! One of my girlfriends is starting to pursue another girl and it fills my heart so much to see her be so in love from another angle!!

I have a full semester of University under my belt and I made some friends there!! we have an instagram group chat! I actually joined two instagram group chats, and they're pretty cool. I have long known that sending memes is a sustainable way for me to establish and maintain friendships if seeing the person IRL isn't feasible for whatever reason, and now I have some more people to slowly build connections with!

I helped run a Elegant Lolita 101 panel at my local winter convention!! It went really well, and I had a lot of fun!! It has been nice interacting with my local comm, and I feel like I'm making friends there!!!

I moved back in with my parents and that has gone as well as can be expected. It isn't the same as living there before, but I think that's only because I have several years of Actual Adult Experience (TM) and also several years of therapy under my belt. Plus, if I don't want to be at home, I have other places to crash. My support network is more established now than when I first moved out. Hell, it's better now than it was this time last year!

2023 was a year of recovery for me. I didn't sew as many garments this year, but that's okay. I had a bunch of adventures, I've been openly queer in a way my parents can't ignore, I've taken steps to patch up my relationship with my sibling, and I feel more prepared to take on the next phase of my life.

I look forward to what the next year brings

[everyothermouse]

A lil group portrait of the time au adventuring gang!! Them <333

Basically tol fucked up as a kid and is now on the run from the law, but realized that since his life was so crazy he could live off of telling stories of his wacky adventures. When he met Jay he wanted him to come with him, and when he found out jay couldn't come cus he was virtually a demon/god/magic magnet he decided he NEEDED to bring him to capitalize on how it'd make more cool stories. And yeah it worked so since then he's been collecting wackos to aaa go crazy aaaa go stupid (and also bcus safety I numbers or whateva, pop and pip are also criminals and pastel and jay are crimes against god <3) more about each individual under the cut!

Doin them from left to right :)

Pastel: died when she was messing around with some friends and got stuck under a big rock and left to starve. But because of a fluke in the underworld her God decided to resurrect her, a right usually only belonging to saints. Because of this she's now poorly pretending that she totally did something to deserve being revived (she tells a different story every time someone asks, she thinks it's funny) to avoid being persecuted for suspected witchcraft. She met Jay when they were both drunk and they had fun fucking around in the city, and she spilled the beans to him that she was revived for no reason. She regretted it, but jay didn't kill her because even though he's religious he knew what it felt like to be magically cursed and have everyone be pissed at u for it. Also she's really funny with jay so tol begged her to come with them to add more Comedy(tm) to his memoirs

Pop: a time traveller and angel who is trying to hide both of those facts but only really succeeding at hiding the time travel thing. When they were a kid they traveled to this time with his friends Lustre and Cherrybomb, but when they were attacked by the vicious royal guard they weren't able to escape without leaving Lustre behind. Cherrybomb super repressed that memory, and while pop recovered from some minor injuries they vowed to never time travel again. Yeah they only kept that up until they were like 15, but they still couldn't bring themself to go back to when they left Lustre. But now they're 26 (well technically they're like 33 but in their time their supposed to be 26) living with their boyfriend cherrybomb and have years of time travel experience under their belt, and they're ready to go back. Except they can't go back because they created a travel block for themself by accident because of how upsetting the event was, so instead they traveled as close as they could, about 10 years in the future of the time. Now they search for any form of closure, all they need to know is what happened to their friend, and they will do whatever it takes to find this out. But angels aren't super welcome in the past, especially not with uncut wings, so it's not exactly easy for them to navigate this time period. But after a while of their search they met two lovely children (well young adults), a demon and a "cursed" (nowadays they call em spiritually gifted) and felt so bad for how much the world seemed to be against them they decided they could travel with them, just for a bit, to protect them. They tried not to get attached. They failed. They're in it for the long run now aren't they TwT also as they explore this time and learn more about the gods, they start to realize that they might... be the God of longevity???? Or at least an older version of them became them? Time travel is fucked man

Btw Lustre plays a big role in this plot, her hyper futuristic knowledge, 'blessed' white eyes, and strange God gifted clothing would all lead to him rising to a much different role than fugitive rather quickly, but they're not who this post is about ;) also I'm gonna go bottom to top for the 3 in the middle let's go

Lune: just a little guy :) lune is a young rancher/gardener who worships the God of the wood, who kind of goes missing sometimes and is lowkey the least loyal God but shhhh he loves them. Lune and tol were childhood friends (along with their pal cleo) but on one of their little excursions tol took something very important to a very powerful king, and refused to give it back. As retribution the king destroyed their entire town, and cleo put all the blame on tol, tol and lune both knew lune had to take the side against tol in order to not have the town turn on him. So yeah he moved with the town to bring up a brand new farm, long awaiting the day when tol would come home and say that things were OK and they could settle back in town together, hopefully with cleo too. That didn't happen, but tol did come back and peer pressure lune into part time adventuring with him! So yeah generally lune just runs his lil farm and prays, but when tol comes to pick him up he gets a chance to go be free to act batshit crazy, just like when he was a kid 🥰

Pipes: DEmon! One time lune and tol had a little squabble so lune was like 'im gonna get a new best friend and ur gonna regret this' and tol was like 'yeah right, u live with a bunch of criminals right now no one's gonna wanna be ur bestie dumbass' so lune just walked into a cave at night and dragged out this little nonverbal demon because demons who live alone in caves don't have high standards for friends. Even tho it was just a ploy to make tol jealous lune went super hard on it and now pipes is actually friends with the gang lmaoo

Tol: like I said with lunes, stole something important from a king as a kid, monarch got pissed, blew up the town, town got pissed at tol for it, and since then he's been on the run because he's too stubborn to give back the damn thing (they could have just attacked HIM for it, but since la queen decided to fuck with his town, his family, tol thinks he doesn't deserve to have it back.) He had to run from town to town and got into a lot of danger in his attempts at finding places to hide, but he lacks fear and tended to fight stuff off. As a kid he found that he could get enough pity to be welcomed into towns if he told people he had to fight a monster to get there, so he told stories at every town and camp he went to of his hardships. But as he got older, those he stayed with beckoned him to keep talking, and more and more people said they had heard of his adventures. And that's when when it clicked, his shining ticket to true freedom wasn't a place, it was his stories. They gave him food, shelter, fun, memories, a life. So he made it his mission to never settle down, to make his life as crazy as possible and to talk about it as much as possible, and if he ever ran out of energy to adventure, he'd spend the rest of his dying days writing and writing his entire life story. He thought this was a life he'd live alone, but one day he sought refuge in jays little lonely house because he thought it was abonded, luckily though Jay had just been praying for a second chance at life and decided that considering the timing, tol must be that second chance. So yeah jay patched him up, found out on his monthly supply route he was harboring someone very wanted, and took care of tol even harder because he didn't know or care why he was wanted, he just knew that anyone who had a drawing of them as a child on a wanted poster definitely didn't deserve it. So yeah they're besties now.

AAA I wrote out a really long description for jay but tumblr glitched and I lost it :'O ble here's a shorter rewrite cus I'm not writing out that whole thing again >:P

Jay: brought up in a church village,, he was born with the curse, which allows him to tap into magical properties very easily, and be very easily controlled, manipulated, and possessed by them. This allowed him to be very connected with his god (the god of longevity) but also meant he was often treated as a security risk and a monster by the adults of his town since he could let in evil spirits so easily. He spent most of his time praying and he became obsessed with acting on compulsions (repeated prayer, overscrubbing, scratching himself, touching religious things until he felt like he touched them "right") because he believed they were messages from God and would prevent him from becoming evil (look he was a teenager and everyone told him he was a monster his whole life leave him be.) He gets possessed twice, mage as a rep of the town is like "either have ur cursed removed or leave town forever" (uncursing is only hypothetically possible, it's hella dangerous) and he's scared itd sever his connection to his god so he leaves and he's upset bcus his entire life plan was built around his church, so now he's livin alone on a hill and leaving like once a month, he stays up there and sews and prays mostly, he sort of works on himself and becomes vaguely mentally stable, so he prays for a second chance at life since he lost his original path and needs a sign where to go, and then boom tol shows up and the rest is history. Now he has his own little family and things are going great :) other than the still getting possessed like once a week but shhhh

Pip: in between the entrance to hell and the religious central of the continent is a little town that sides with neither. They mostly fuck around and find out, and in this town lives a monster researcher and her less formal wife, pip! Pip is just a silly goofy little guy livin life, and when the crazy bunch shows up she feels like he's finally found her people :3 and for the first time the group gains a member who's begging to join them as opposed to the other way around

Ya and together they all go on wacky lil adventures with demons and monsters and monarchs and what not.

Tldr pastel is a funny lil dead guy, pop is a time traveller and the Adult of the team, lunes a lil farmer man, pipes a hobo demon they picked up off the side of the road, tols a little criminal demon adventurer, jays a religious weirdo who tol dragged out of his hermit hut, and pips an insane little guy