#also ur wrong and fat is so beautiful

[woolydemon]

LISTEN TO ME RN, when the character is supposed to be rlly strong and muscular and buff PUT FAT ON THAT GUY fat is so fucking necessary to have a physical build that is so strong MAKE THEM FATTTTTTTTTTTTT

[ariaste]

The Magic Trick You Didn’t See: Being An Analysis of Good Omens Season 2

(or: Neil Gaiman, Your Brain is Gorgeous But I Have Cracked Your Sneaky Little Code And Have You Dead To Rights*) (*Maybe)

***

Soooooo I just spent the last 48 hours having a BREATHTAKING GALAXY BRAIN EPIPHANY about Good Omens Season 2 and feverishly writing a fuckin16,000 word essay about the incredible magic trick that @neil-gaiman pulled off. 

Yes, it’s long, but I PROMISE your brains will explode. Do you want to know how magic works? Do you want to know what Metatron’s deal is (I’m like 99% sure of this and it’s EXTREMELY FUCKING GOOD)? Do you want to know about the Mystery of the Vanishing Eccles Cakes and the big fat beautiful clue I found in the opening credits? Do you go through the whole inventory of Chekov’s Firearm & Heavy Artillery Discount Warehouse? 

Here is the essay, go read it: https://docs.google.com/document/d/193IXS11XN46lziHRb6eUpM17yK0BQkRqke1Wh64A_e0/ When ur done u can tell me I’m an insane crackpot, and u know what, i won’t even be offended

In case you don’t know whether you want to bother reading the whole enormous thing on google docs, I’ve put the first couple sections of it under the cut. JUST TRUST ME OKAY, HEAR ME OUT, THIS IS VERY EXTREMELY COOL, NEIL IS GOOD AT HIS JOB--

Proem

A dark theater. The rustling of the audience: clothes, breathing, whispers of anticipation. The lights come up. A man enters, stage left. He is a magician—a master magician—and he performs for you a magic trick so good and so subtle... that you don’t even notice you’ve seen it. 

You know there must have been a trick—after all, you came to the theater to see a trick performed, didn’t you? And he claims to be a magician. So there had to be a trick somewhere. There had to be.

But maybe there wasn’t. Maybe there was just a man on a stage, talking to you, telling you a story with a strangely unsatisfying ending you didn’t quite understand. 

I know. This is a weird beginning to an analysis essay. But hear me out, because I have to explain the mechanisms of the stage before I can show you what the trick was, where the trapdoor was hidden, and how Neil Gaiman pulled the whole thing off so gently and elegantly that you didn’t notice a thing. Ready? Here we go.

The Facts As We Know Them

Let us begin by establishing a baseline—some fundamental, logical assumptions that underpin the magic trick. These will seem obvious as soon as I say them, which is precisely the point: They are self-evident, loadbearing foundations for my entire argument, and if I don’t point them out, I’m going to sound like a crackpot conspiracy theorist. (Which! To be fair, I might be. I could easily be wrong about all this—but I don’t think I am.)

Our baseline, loadbearing assumptions that preface my Grand Unified Theory of Season 2: 

1. Neil Gaiman is extremely good at his job.

2. Neil Gaiman loves these characters and wants with all his heart to do them justice; likewise, he has a great deal of respect, love, and admiration for Terry Pratchett and is striving VERY HARD to write the show the way Terry would have been happy with.

3. The devil, as they say, is in the details: Neil Gaiman and the entire Good Omens cast/crew are fully capable of doing extremely subtle detail work, as conclusively proven in Season 1 Ep 6, specifically the whole sequence of the body-swap scenes.

With me so far? Great.

The Elephant In The Room

Season 2 was... odd. It was odd, wasn’t it. This isn’t a matter of whether you loved it or hated it—there was just something odd going on.

I spent the entirety of my first viewing very much enjoying myself and being very happy to be back with these characters and this world, but I was also liveblogging to my groupchat as I went, and a theme soon began emerging:

“Neil, what are you doing? Where are you going with this?” “What in god’s name is going on here? I’m so lost lmao.” “What is going on with the music situation?” “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE NEIL” “zombies, ok, I trust u to pull this all together in the end, Neil, but I still don't know what you're up to” “What is going on LOL” “Incredibly what is going on here” “NEIL! WHAT IS HAPPENING!” “Literally what is happening” “Neil Gaiman why have you constructed a regency au for mystery VIBES reasons” “just????????? lesbians????????? dancing what's HAPPENING. just all the background characters are gay here ok sure sure sure NEIL GAIMAN WHAT IS HAPPENING--” “mmmmmmm neil what u doin”

All these are copied verbatim from my liveblogging, and apparently I am not the only one to have this reaction. And to be clear, I was having a good time! I came out to this theater to see a magic trick, and this Neil Gaiman guy on stage is a master magician—but I didn’t see the trick, even though there must have been a trick. 

At first, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the season. I wanted to like it! Indeed, there were many things that I liked about it! But I felt a bit muddled and jumbled up and confused—I felt like there was something I didn’t understand about it, and so I couldn’t yet understand how I felt about it either.

I started chewing on this question in a friend’s DMs: Why is season 2 so fucking odd? What is going on here, Neil? What are you up to? The matter of whether he was up to something was never in question. I knew that he had to be up to something. Writers are always up to something, and as I watched season 2, it was as if I was watching Neil scamper around the room with a mischievous expression as he messed with things here and there and made little tweaks and adjustments to the arrangement of all the Chekov’s guns he’s stockpiling on the mantelpiece. 

You see, Season 2 has some very bad writing in it. HANG ON, DON’T ARGUE WITH ME YET! THIS IS NOT A JUDGMENT CALL!! This is the rug that the trick’s secret mechanism is hidden under!!! This is the hidden mirror that makes the trick work!!!!! This is the trapdoor in the stage!

Yes, of course I will explain myself.

Neil Gaiman is a master magician, but I am a pretty damn good magician myself—I’m a professional fantasy author who has published nine books, and I teach workshops for apprentice writers online and at universities—and if there is one thing I have learned about the process of achieving mastery of your craft, it is this: 

Regardless of what medium they’re working in, the apprentice artist is concerned primarily with achieving realism via an expansion of their control—control of their brush strokes as they paint a photorealistic eye; control of their deck of cards, the mechanisms of their magic tricks, and where the audience’s attention is being directed; control of all the little factors of voice, plot, character, setting, suspense and surprise that go into writing a good story. However, the master artist has achieved that control—so much so that it often looks effortless to an untrained eye—and sometimes the master artist returns to a messy, amateurish style simply because they have control even over this too. 

As an example, consider Picasso and his entire body of work. He begins as an apprentice focused on achieving control, doing portraits of people that look like people—like what we expect a portrait of a person to look like. Then, as he grows in skill and gradually achieves mastery, he pulls away from realism. He develops a style, he experiments with faces that don’t look like any human alive  colored in ways that do not appear in nature. He expands his control. His work becomes abstract. Towards the end of his life, he starts experimenting with what’s called “Naive art”, something that a 5 year old could theoretically draw... but you have to achieve mastery before you can do it on purpose and have it look good. 

On one hand, Neil Gaiman is extremely good at his job. On the other hand, Season 2 has bad writing in it.

What does that tell us?

Well, we know from our Baseline Assumptions that Neil Gaiman is simply too good of a writer to fuck up through garden-variety clumsiness and lack-of-control the way an apprentice writer would. Additionally, he cannot fuck up by accident in this case because I am positive that the man is scrutinizing his work on Good Omens far too closely to let anything slide—for Crowley and Aziraphale’s sakes, for David and Michael’s sakes, and especially for Terry’s sake. The stakes are sky-high, and he cares too much to write a weird, kind of “bad” season by accident.

Which leaves only one option: He did it on purpose.

(Am I sounding like a crackpot conspiracy theorist? Baby, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. I’m gonna get SO MUCH MORE CRACKPOT.)

If he did it on purpose, then the natural question to ask is: WHY!?!?!??

It’s a great question. Not “Why?” in terms of why he as an individual person with emotions would decide to do that, mind you. More like, “What purpose does this serve for the structure of the narrative?” There is a story he is intending to tell, and out of all the choices he could have possibly made, for some reason this one was necessary and correct in order to achieve that end goal—so what was that reason?

See? Intentionality. He knows exactly what details he left in, and he did it on purpose. (Editing! It’s important!)

So there has to be a reason. It’s like when a master magician “casually” rubs an itch on his nose—why did he do that? What is he sneakily slipping into his mouth by hiding it under the excuse of this little gesture that does not even register to you as meaningful? (If you haven’t watched enough stage magic to know what I mean, watch this.)

This question is, of course, impossible to simply answer out of thin air without any further evidence. It is a dead end—so we must adjust the question and come at it from a different angle.

The one I settled on when I was chewing on this was: Well, okay, what do I mean when I say “bad writing”? What is it about S2 that makes it feel so goddamn odd?

The Pledge, The Turn, and... The Conspicuous, Expectant Silence

There are three parts to a magic trick: Pledge, Turn, Prestige. 

First, the Pledge: You show the audience something ordinary. Second, the Turn: You make that ordinary thing do something extraordinary, like vanish. Third, the Prestige: You bring the ordinary thing back.

To quote the 2006 film The Prestige just after its explanation of the first two parts: “You want to be fooled. But you wouldn’t clap yet, because making something disappear isn’t enough. You have to bring it back.”

You have to bring it back.

When I teach apprentice writers, I call this a “setup-payoff cycle”. Achieving control and dexterity with this tool is crucial, because the setup-payoff cycle is the engine of the story—it’s what makes the story run. You can have a setup-payoff cycle at any scale—I have read ones that were a single sentence long; I’ve read ones that were two books long. Additionally, all jokes, no matter how long they are, are structured on a setup/payoff cycle. These cycles work precisely the same way a magic trick does:

You set up the audience’s expectations. (Optional but generally considered stylish and elegant: You give those expectations a firm jolt to throw the audience off-balance.) You pay off the audience’s expectations in a way they weren’t expecting, while saying “TA DA!!!!” really loud with your arms flung wide.

Audiences really like this. A setup-payoff cycle executed just right makes the audience’s brains light up like Times Square and hammers on their mental “reward” buttons like nothing else. It’s like you’ve personally handed them a cookie and a gold star. They go wild for this.

Here’s an example of a setup-payoff cycle, though it’s not a perfect one—and you’ve probably heard it before, so you’re not going to be throwing chairs and tearing down the theater from sheer glee:

The Setup: Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? The Jolt: (the joke starts over and repeats several times without reaching the payoff (aka the prestige) while the audience grows more and more annoyed and frustrated about the unfulfilled expectations, until finally...) Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? The Payoff: ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA?

Good Omens Season 2 feels so fucking odd because the setup-payoff cycles are incomplete—nearly all of them are, and the ones that do close the loop do so in really weird ways which, as a professional author, make me feel kind of, “Bwuh?????? But where’s my cookie? Excuse me??? Sir???? Neil????? My cookie, tho???”

When I realized this, when I finally put my finger on why the whole season was giving me some uncanny valley heebie-jeebies, a chill ran down my spine. (The rest is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/193IXS11XN46lziHRb6eUpM17yK0BQkRqke1Wh64A_e0/ I’M GOING TO GO STARE INTO THE ABYSS NOW BYE)

[qtboni]

helloo boniiii (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠) i hope ur doing okay todayyyy i saw that you hve ur reqs open and i have an idea!

the way chubby!reader is insecure of how she looks and Simon notices it and comforts her? bye sorry im like so bad at explaining but what would Simon do?

HELLO, BABI ! omg u got me there. im one of those peeps who gets so insecure easily 😔 and really, i want a husband like simon who can comfort me in bad times 😭 thank you for requesting this !!

╰﹒ 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 !

PAIRING: Simon 'Ghost' Riley X Chubby!Reader

OVERVIEW: Simon reassures your insecurities with loving words, and you are overwhelmed with emotions, as he makes you realize the beauty in yourself that you can't see.

C/W: Hurt/comfort! body image issues, insecurities, mentions of body dysmorphia, intimate partner relationship (emotional support), reader expressing emotions and processing trauma, reader struggles with feelings of self-worth.

Simon's car doors shut with a loud thud, echoing through the garage and signaling his departure. A small sense of relief washed over you, knowing that you would have the whole day to yourself.

No more needing to pretend to be okay when you weren't. You slowly made your way to the bathroom and leaned towards the mirror. As you gazed into your reflection, the harsh lights amplified every imperfection.

'I hate how I look,' you thought to yourself as you gazed into the mirror. Every day, you spent too long in the restroom, staring at your reflection, trying to figure out what was wrong with yourself.

Your shoulders were too wide, tummy too fat, and your cheeks were getting fuller by the day. It also doesn't help that your legs look so big on you and the way your thighs would touch together quite so much. You felt gross and ugly, and it seemed like nothing you did could make a difference.

You sighed as you cupped your cheeks, pretending to pull them behind your face. You longed to be slim and thin, or at the very least, pretty. But no matter how hard you tried, it seemed like you were doomed to be the ugly duckling for the rest of your life.

"Why did I let myself get this way?" you wondered.

Tears started to fall from your eyes as your self-pity reached new heights. You didn't understand why everyone else seemed to have it all figured out, while you were stuck here, hating yourself more and more each day.

You wondered if you would ever be able to accept yourself for who you are, or if you would forever be doomed to feel inferior to everyone around you. It was a painful feeling, and one that you struggled with every single day.

Your eyes slowly shifted towards the mirror in the restroom again, and you let out a heavy sigh. Without even really thinking, you started to pinch and pull at your skin. Your fingers zeroed in on your thighs and you frowned, unable to help but focus on the parts of your body that you didn't like.

Your hand then moved to your midsection, and you stared at your reflection in the mirror, feeling defeated. You wanted to look different, you wanted to look like the pretty girls in the magazines and on social media.

You wanted to be beautiful.

Tears started forming in your eyes again, and you brushed them away before your sobs could come after. You didn't want anyone to see you like this - didn't want Simon to see. You didn't want him to know how much you hated yourself. But it was a constant struggle, and one that you fought every single day.

You pinched the fat on your stomach, pulling it from side to side and watching as it jiggled.

"Why can't I just look normal?" you asked yourself, your voice cracking.

You moved on to your thighs, pinching the flesh that had been collecting there over the past few months.

"I look gross," you said to yourself, voice barely above a whisper. "I hate.. my body."

Tears started to pool in your eyes as you began to pull at your cheeks and the edges of your mouth, trying to pull them back to make yourself look thinner.

"I just can't stand looking like this," you said to yourself again and again, your voice catching in your throat.

But no matter how much you pinched and pulled, you couldn't make yourself look the way you wanted. The image in the mirror still looked like you – tired, fat, and flawed. You turned away from the mirror, feeling defeated and alone.

You wanted so badly to be able to pull the fat away and make your face look the way you wanted. In your mind's eye, you imagined how much better you would look if you could just lose a few pounds, if your stomach wasn't so rounded, if your thighs weren't so thick.

But no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't seem to make a single inch of difference. The cycle of self-doubt and self-loathing was never-ending, and it seemed like you were doomed to remain trapped in your own head, unable to break free.

But then you looked down at the sink, and saw your reflection in the water, distorted and warped. You realized that in trying to fix your flaws, you had only made them worse. Your self-imposed torture was only making you hate yourself more.

It seemed like an eternity before you calmed down, your breathing slowing to a normal pace once again. However, you were still on the brink of tears.

What if Simon saw you like this? Would he still love you?

But you knew that Simon was more than just a pretty face. He was kind and gentle, and he accepted you for who you were, imperfections and all. As you stood in front of the mirror, you then stared at your reflection with a mix of sadness and frustration.

Your heart sank at the sound of a knock, and you quickly dried your tears. Then, your heart raced as your tried to compose yourself. You knew it was Simon – your husband, and the one person who understood you the most. You guys had been through a lot together, and you knew you could count on him to make everything better.

"I'm coming!" you called out, your voice shaky. You took a deep breath and smoothed down your clothes before making your way to the door.

As you opened it slowly, you saw Simon standing there, a sympathetic look on his face.

"Hey," Simon said softly, his voice full of compassion. He walked in and gave you a hug, as if he knew exactly what you needed. You hugged him back, feeling a wave of relief wash over you. You knew that Simon would always be there for you, no matter what.

"Hi," You let out a deep sigh and rested your head on his shoulder. "You're back early?"

Simon's warm embrace was exactly what you needed. You felt your body loosen up and your heart start to calm down as you let out another slow, deep breath.

You felt him nodded against your shoulder. "Yeah, my plans got canceled," he said softly, rubbing your back in a soothing motion.

You leaned into his embrace, humming a reply, feeling a sense of comfort. You needed this, you thought to yourself. You needed someone to remind you that you weren't alone, and that there were people in your life who cared about you – people who loved you just the way you are.

Despite your best efforts to hide your feelings, it was obvious that something was wrong. Simon squeezed your shoulder gently, as if he could sense what you were thinking. He knew that you were going through a tough time, but he also knew that you needed someone to talk to – someone who would listen and understand without judgment.

You took another breath, feeling a wave of relief wash over you. You were grateful for Simon. Grateful that he was in your life, and that he was there for you when you needed him the most.

"Is something wrong?" Simon asked, his tone soft and gentle.

You hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to respond. You didn't want to appear weak or needy, but you also didn't know how to hide your emotions from Simon.

"Love?"

Finally, you replied, "I'm just having a bad day. It's nothing you need to worry about."

"But.. I am worried," Simon said, his voice filled with concern. He pulled away from the hug to look at you. "You know you can tell me anything."

"I.." You sighed, feeling the weight of your insecurity and self-hatred bearing down on you. "I don't know, Simon. I just feel like I'm not good enough. Like I don't measure up."

"What do you mean?" he asked, the confusion on his face evident.

You looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes. "I, um, hate the way I look, I guess," you replied, trying to convey the depth of your dislike for yourself without stating it outright. You didn't want to burden him with the full extent of your self-loathing.

You watched as Simon's expression changed, going from confusion to concern. You sighed, knowing you had to be careful with your words. "It's just... I hate my body," you finally managed, your voice barely above a whisper.

Simon's eyes widened slightly, and you could tell he was beginning to understand.

"Oh, baby," he said softly. "You're beautiful, inside and out. I know it's hard, but try not to focus so much on how you look. There's so much more to you than that."

Simon leaned closer to you, his hand reaching out to hold your waist and the other at your chin. You looked up at Simon, grateful for his understanding and compassion.

"I know, but it's just so hard sometimes," you replied, your voice breaking again.

Simon pulled you into a hug, holding you close. "I know, love. But you're not alone. I'm here for you. You're not defined by your appearance. You're a kind, caring person, with so much to offer the world. Why'd you think I chose to marry you?"

You clung to Simon for a moment, feeling the warmth of his embrace and the love he held for you.

"My love," he continued, brushing a stray hair from your face to tuck in your ear. "You are more than enough. You are an amazing person, inside and out. I'm not just saying that. It's the truth. Understand, baby? The truth."

"I ... I can't do this," you choked as your sobs echoed the bathroom. It was all too much. It's as if you don't deserve all of his compliments to your body.

Simon took you into his arms, holding you close and rubbing your back soothingly. "Tell me, baby," he asked, his voice full of concern. "What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

You took a deep breath and hesitantly told him everything – about your insecurities, about how you never felt good enough, about how you hated how you looked like.

You leaned into Simon's embrace, seeking the warmth and comfort of his presence surrounding you. You close your eyes, trying to gather your thoughts and put them into words.

"It's just... I can't stop comparing myself to other people," you said finally, voice low and strained. "And every time I look at myself in the mirror, I just see all the things that are wrong with me. I can't seem to love myself, no matter how hard I try."

Simon squeezed your back, listening to you attentively.

"I know you mean well, Simon, but it's just so hard sometimes," you said, your voice still low and emotional. "I feel like everyone's always staring at me and judging me, especially when I wear something that shows off my body."

Simon's hand stroked your hair, trying to soothe your frazzled nerves. "You're beautiful, baby. And no one has the right to make you feel otherwise." He paused, his voice full of quiet intensity. "If anyone says anything to you, I'll deal with them, I promise."

Despite feeling down, you find yourself chuckling with tears in your eyes. His jokes were just so random and out of place, but you appreciated it nonetheless. Simon's voice was gentle and comforting as he pulled you closer to the hug, swaying your bodies in a slow, rhythmic motion.

"Tell me, pretty baby," he whispered, his eyes locked onto yours. "What's eating away at you?"

You took a deep breath, trying to gather your courage before you answered. "Well, it's my cheeks firstly," you said quietly, voice shaking slightly. "They're too huge.."

Simon's arms tightened around you, his voice filled with compassion. He leaned away from the hug and cupped your cheeks together. "Huge? Really, baby?" he asked.

"Yes, really..." You leaned into his embrace again, feeling the warmth of Simon and the love he held for you.

"Pretty baby," He said, cupping your cheeks again together. "I love these chubby cheeks you have. It makes you look like a hamster and god, you look so cute with them, don't you know that?"

"But everyone else has a perfect appearance," you said, voice barely above a whisper. "I feel like I'll never be able to measure up."

Simon's eyes closed for a moment, as if he were searching for the right words to say. "You don't have to compare yourself to anyone else," he said finally, his voice fierce. "You're perfect just the way you are, my love. And I'll always be here to remind you of that."

Simon then kissed both of your cheeks affectionately and you feel tears welling up in your eyes again. He asks, "Do you have any more?"

You sighed. "What about my hips and thighs?" You continued, voice shaky with insecurity. "They're too big, too curvy. I'll never be able to wear the things I want to wear."

Simon's face softened even more as he listened to your words, his eyes full of understanding.

"Sweet baby," He coos at you and carefully places both of his hands onto your waist. "Your hips and thighs are a part of you, and they're beautiful. Nobody has the right to tell you otherwise. Your curves are beautiful and I love how it fits well in my hands when I hold them to touch you."

Your tears wouldn't stop running down.

"They're my love handles from you, my love," He added and it had struck a chord in your heart. You felt a weight lifted off your shoulders. His words had been like a balm to your soul, and you leaned into his embrace more, feeling a sense of peace and comfort wash over you.

Your tears continued to fall, but they were no longer those of sadness and insecurity. They were tears of gratitude, for having found someone who truly valued and loved you for who you are – curves and all.

You looked up at Simon, your eyes shimmering with a mix of joy and gratitude. "Thank you, Si’," you whispered, sniffing as you do so.

Simon stroked your cheek gently, his eyes full of love and affection. "You're welcome, baby. Fuck, I love you so much. Don't you ever forget that, okay?"

Simon's words hit you like a ton of bricks, lifting a weight you didn't even realize was there off of your shoulders.

"I love you too, Si'." You replied and rested your head on his shoulder, softly breathing in your choked sobs.

"I just want to love myself like how you love me." You cried into his embrace, all of the pain and insecurity you'd carried with you for so long finally coming to a head.

"I believe in you, love," Simon replied, his voice filled with conviction. "You're strong and capable and beautiful, inside and out. You don't need anyone else's approval to be those things. And I promise, I'll always be here to remind you of who you truly are."

You felt his arms tighten around you, his embrace warming you from the inside out. His words of encouragement filled you with a newfound sense of confidence, and you felt a sense of hope rising within you.

As Simon's words registered with you, you felt the weight of the tears rolling down your cheeks like an onslaught. You had been carrying the burden of your insecurities for so long, and the idea of someone else understanding what you were going through, and even accepting you for who you are, made you feel like maybe there was still hope.

Simon's embrace grew even tighter as he held you, his chest rising and falling with each breath he took. You could feel the comfort and warmth exuding from his body, and it made you feel like you were at home.

"Thank you," you said, nuzzling into his neck further. "I don't know what I would do without you, Si'"

"You'll never have to find out," Simon replied, his voice full of determination. "I'll be here for you, always. You're not alone, love. We'll face your insecurities together."

With those words and a kiss to your shoulder, you felt a sense of peace and acceptance wash over yourself. You knew that, with Simon on your side, you could get through anything, even your own perceived flaws and imperfections.

You leaned into his embrace more, feeling safe and loved for the first time in what felt like forever.

A/N: what the fuck. this made me cry again holy shit this rlly hit a nerve inside. what have u done to me anon !! jk i love this <//3

and to anyone who related to this, if you're feeling insecure about your body and struggling with body image issues, it's important to remember that you are so much more than your appearance. Everyone has their own unique features and qualities that make them special and valuable. Try to focus on your positive traits, both inside and out :) Surround yourself with supportive people who see you for who you truly are and appreciate you for all that you are. Remember that it's okay to have days where you don't feel your best, but try to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal and grow <//3

Remember that you are not alone, and there are people who care about you and can help you through this difficult time !! It might be helpful to seek professional help or support groups if you feel like you're struggling. Ultimately, remember that your worth as a person is not tied to your appearance or weight. You are so much more than your exterior and deserve love and kindness no matter what. <//3

[lightvixxen]

Eddie munson x insecure!bestfriend!reader

A/n:This is purely self-indulgent bc I needed some comfort lolz, also major vent post and its kinda personal bc this is actual stuff from my own vents lol, but I just needed to write Eddie comfort and ik there’s some plus sized ppl who feel the same<3

Warnings: degrading language(not the fun kind), insecurity, reader calls themselves names in their diary, negative self-talk,reader willing gets into a toxic arrangement, fluff…so much fluff, best friends to lovers, small angst but its hurt/comfort, small mentions of violence, Eddie just wants to harm the ppl that hurt you.

Summary: Eddie reads ur diary and need to show just how fucking wrong u are abt yourself.

Eddie had been in your room countless times, though this time, he was on a fucking mission. He had managed to convince you to go downstairs alone to grab some drinks, and he prayed it kept you occupied long enough for him to snoop.

You had been down the past few days and he needed to know why, unfortunately for him, you kept your mouth shut on your feelings, opting to change the subject every time he asked. Luckily for him though, you wrote down everything in a small blue notebook. Eddie grabbed the notebook out of its hiding place, flipping through its pages, he knew this was an invasion of privacy but damn it he was worried, sue him.

He stopped, finally coming to the most recent page, which had everything he needed to know.

September 19, 1987.

So, I went back to him…and I know what your thinking “why would you go back to someone who uses you?!”

Eddie already knew who and what you were talking about, had spent countless nights staying up with you as you sobbed into his shoulder about the boy who would never return your feelings and played you consistently. And spent countless nights fighting the urge to grab a fucking bat to go kill the son of a bitch. But he reads on.

Well, I’ll tell you, it’s because its what I think I deserve. I’ve kinda accepted my fate to the “fuckable but not datable” Role of my life. After all no one wants a fat ugly whore hanging off their arm.

God- Eddie wanted to both punch and hug you, you were absolutely perfect and beautiful, words couldn’t describe how much he wanted you. How much he wanted you hanging off his arm, contrary to your belief- you weren’t ugly, sure you were bigger than all the other girls, but that just meant more to love! He wanted to worship every part of your body. To show you off, show all the fuckers who said those nasty things to you what they were missing. And for fucks sake, you saw yourself as a whore?! You barely slept with anyone, and the people you did sleep with you had known for years!

I just- I just want someone to actually care, want someone to tell me they love me and mean it.

Eddie loved you, He loved you so fucking much even he, himself couldn’t believe it. He looked at you with so much adoration and love it was unbelievable how oblivious you were to him.

Nobody wants a nerd, no one wants a plus sized- or well fat, Plus size is only for the pretty ones, that of which I am not. Also no one wants baggage, or someone who’s clingy if they say they do they’re lying. Or i would have someone, pretty sure no one in this school would touch me with a 10ft pole. Lol jealous of the people who are wanted.

The entry ends and Eddie wants to cry, he hated the fact you talked about yourself like that. He wanted everything about you, he was fucking crazy over you. He wished he could make you see yourself the way he saw you. Because fuck- you were a goddess to him. He worships the fucking ground you walk on. He wanted to take you out on sappy dates, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Not the way you’ve been treated by your exes, he hated how they treated you like a fucking toy.

Eddie heard your heavy footsteps bounding up the stairs, he didn’t bother putting your diary away. He was going to shoot his fucking shot because damn it if that’s how you’ve been feeling he wanted to show you how fucking wrong you were.

“Okay I finally got- Eds…what the fuck?!” You almost dropped the two cans, seeing your best friend with your diary. It’s obvious he had read it, so fucking obvious in the way he was staring at you.

Eddie didn’t say anything as he gently closed the notebook. Didn’t say anything as he slowly got up from your bed. You thought he was going to run out, tell you everything you had thought was true, that this was the end to your friendship with Eddie. Instead, he crossed the room, walking towards you and before you knew it he was pulling you into a bone crushing hug.

“E-Eddie?!” You squeaked, arms hanging loosely at your sides. “God- your so fucking stupid you know that?! You talk so fucking negatively about yourself, while your oblivious to the way I look at you!” You were stunned, you couldn’t tell if he was comforting you or not.

But he continued, “you’re so fucking beautiful, and pretty and so fucking amazing, I want you to be the one hanging off my arm. Fuck- sweetheart I want everything about you.” Your face fell, more than it already could. You had heard that phrase so many times, and it only landed you being stranded in your sheets.

“Eddie- c’mon don’t play like that.” You murmured, even with the way he was hugging you, you couldn’t believe someone could ever want you outside of sex. “I’m not fucking playing!” He pulled back from you, a firm grip on your shoulders, he wanted to shake you until you realized he was telling the truth. “Sweetheart, I love you genuinely, every time- every single fucking time, you mention someone hurt you, or someone used you. I’ve had to fight the urge to kill a motherfucker for making you think like that.”

Tears slowly well up in your eyes. You knew Eddie, he didn’t joke about that kind of shit. Not after what happened last year. “Sweetheart-“ Eddie wiped your tears, “you don’t know how much I love you, I worship the fucking ground you walk on, I’ve written stupid love songs about how much I want you.” His eyes are locked on yours, letting you know just how serious he is about this. “You literally consume my every thought, all I think about is what your doing, what you feel, The way you laugh, the way you smile-“ Eddie hugged you once again. “God if I knew that’s what you were feeling I would’ve told you this ages ago, but…I’m absolutely crazy about you.”

And with that he kissed you, it was slow, passionate, letting you know just how much he meant every word. Every-time you tried to make it heated, tried to deepen the kiss he would pull away. He wasn’t gonna let your stupid insecurities and thoughts ruin the image you have of him.

[smashboxgirl26]

Hello 🙋 I hope you a okay with requests, so lets get started. Can i mabye request some headcanons with shoto, bakubae, izu and kiri? With an reader (fem) who is really insecure about her cubby thighs. also i read your fanfic about bakugou (strawberry jam) and i was like; how tf can someone write such an piece of art!? I love this ff and it got an earned place in my "Favorite ff with bakugou" collection.

Feel free to ignore this request if you feel uncomfortable with writing such a topic!

Have a lovely day/night and stay healthy!

-tiniwini

contains: fluff, comfort masterlist a/n: speaking as a person who has kinda chubby thighs themself, i could relate to this sm. but thank you so much for the complement! ur so sweet!! (๑•́ ω •̀๑) apologies for this taking so long btw, i've been trying to get back in my regular writing schedule lol

— bakugou.

It all started with the both of you sitting on the couch, your legs laying in Katsuki’s lap as he absent-mindedly stroked them — a regular occurrence for the both of you on the occasional nights you had free. 

“I should work out more,” you mumbled to yourself, staring at your legs in his lap. You weren’t happy with the way they looked in comparison to Katsuki’s strong, thick legs.

“What?” his head turned over without missing a beat.

“Nothing,” you shook your head back, gesturing back towards the movie on the TV.

“I heard you say something though,” he grumbled back.

“It was nothing.”

“Bullshit,” he stared you down. 

You only rolled your eyes, “I was just saying that I should work out more, I don’t like my chubby thighs.”

Katsuki looked appalled. “What d’you mean?”

“I dunno,” you shrugged. “I’d rather them be toned or something–”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of,” he scoffed. “What’s there not to like about ‘em? They help you walk and get around places. What else d’you want?”

“Yeah, but–”

“But nothing,” he stopped you quickly. “They’re perfect the way they are.”

“But Katsuki–”

“Shut the fuck up,” he glared at you before turning back to the TV. “You don’t need any of that stupid shit fuckin’ with your head. You're beautiful. You don’t need to change anything, you dumbass.”

(And if you ever try to say anything like that ever again, just know you’re getting a lecture.)

— kirishima.

“Babe, show me the dress!” Kirishima called from outside the bathroom. “I wanna see how it fits you.”

You’d taken a suspiciously long time while putting it on, and Kirishima was just dying to know what it looked like. He knew when he saw it in the store window that it was perfect for you — he just had to buy it.

“...I’m not really sure if I like it,” you called out from the other side, and his face instantly dropped. Did it fit weird?

“Can I still see?” he asked, holding his breath when the bathroom door clicked open to reveal you.

You looked beautiful in it, the color matching your skin tone just as he thought it would, and the fabric outlining the shape of your body in the most flattering way possible. He could barely speak as he stared at you, but that was until you broke him out of his trance.

“Thanks for the dress,” you looked to the side. “But, I don’t really like the way it looks on me.”

“Why?” he circled around you, trying to see if there was anything wrong with it. “Is it uncomfortable? We can get a different size.”

“I just, don’t really like the way it makes my thighs look,” you shrugged. “I look fat.”

“What are you talking about?” he stared, confused. “You look great — amazing, actually.”

“Yeah, but I probably don’t look like the mannequin you bought it off of,” you walked towards the full-length mirror in your bedroom, a frown settling over your expression. 

“Baby, you look beautiful,” Kirishima walked behind you, his hands settling over your waist as his head rested on your shoulder. “You shouldn’t listen to the people who tell you otherwise, they’re probably just jealous.”

“...You mean it?”

“Of course baby,” he kissed your temple, pulling you closer to his chest while staring at the both of you in the mirror. “Everyone is jealous of you, and the fact that I’m the only one who gets to have you all to myself,” he smirks, pulling a smile to your lips as you look at the both of you standing in the mirror.

“Thank you,” you allowed a small smile to creep up.

— todoroki.

“Could you take the picture with only the top half?”

Shoto blinked, staring back down at the picture after you handed him your phone back to take another picture. 

He didn’t see anything wrong with the first one, and he couldn’t find himself fathoming why you didn’t want to have the bottom half of your body in the picture — the ground wasn’t even dirty and your shoes looked brand new. 

“Um, fine,” he replied, confused, but he still stepped back and took another picture of you like you’d asked.

A small smile peeked up on your lips when he handed you the phone back to check out the picture, and he became even more confused when you muttered “that’s better” under your breath before tucking the phone back in your pocket.

“Shall we continue?” you stared up at him, your hand outstretched to continue your walk in the park.

“Sure,” he nodded, taking your hand. But in his head, he was still curious as to why you didn’t want him to include your bottom half in your picture. The skirt you were wearing was cute, why did you want it cut out?

You noticed how quiet he was for a couple minutes, no longer pointing out the birds and trees he knew as he walked, his brow almost furrowed in thought. 

“What’re you thinking about?” you broke the silence, watching his head turn toward you almost instantly. 

“Nothing.”

“I know you’re lost in thought,” you pointed towards the furrow between his brows. “You always look like that.”

“I’m just wondering, why didn’t you want your bottom half in the picture?” he stared at you, watching as you quickly turned your head to face the other direction. 

“I uh, I don’t want to show off my thighs,” you sounded embarrassed. “They look chubby in this skirt.”

“What are you talking about?” he pressed. “You look beautiful.”

“Yeah, but… I dunno, I feel like I look chubby.”

“You don’t,” Shouto stopped, keeping you from continuing forward. “I don’t know where you got that idea from,” he shook his head, “but you look amazing. You always look amazing. You shouldn't worry about something no one even notices.”

“Thanks Sho,” your smile cracks up again, but this time it’s more genuine than when you looked at the picture of yourself.

“Of course,” he smiles back.

— midoriya.

“Why aren’t you coming in water?” Izuku stared at you sitting under the shade of the umbrella with your book in hand.

It was one of the few days that Izuku had off during the summer, which meant that it would be spent at the beach near his mother’s house since it was the cleanest and usually quietest place the both of you could spend time together. 

“I’m okay,” you smiled back, adjusting your sundress so that it went over your knees. “I wanna catch up on my reading so I’m not behind in my book club.”

“Yeah, but it’s hot, and I wanna spend time with you.” he frowned. “And I can’t do that if you’re sitting here while I’m swimming alone.”

“Then come sit here,” you patted the spot on the towel next to you.

“Why’re you even wearing a swimsuit if you don’t want to come in the water?” he huffed, settling himself in the sand beside you. 

The little pouty look he was wearing almost made you upset. You knew he was busy most of the time, and because this was one of his only off days he wanted to spend it with you.

“I’m sorry,” you sighed, closing the book and setting it to the side. “I just, don’t like the way my swimsuit looks on me right now.”

“What do you mean? You look gorgeous. You always look gorgeous,” his frown deepened. 

“But I don’t like that it leaves my thighs super exposed,” you trailed off, staring at the sand beneath you. “It draws so much attention to them, and it makes me feel… embarrassed.”

“Baby,” he cupped your face in his hands without a moment’s hesitation. “There’s no need to feel embarrassed. In fact,” he chuckled, “I don’t even know what you’re embarrassed about! You look beautiful — people are probably jealous that they don’t look like you.”

He leaned forward to plant a small kiss on your forehead before pulling away. “You shouldn’t worry about what other people think,” he smiled, watching a smile crack on your face.

“Fine,” you rolled your eyes. “I’ll come in the water with you.” 

[leidensygdom]

Ur strength is definitely color and line work. Something I would say needs some work is definitely your full body drawings and poses. Your poses are always static and rigid and (especially when in motion) it takes me a moment to figure out what the character is supposed to be doing. Your anatomy is fine, its the stiffness of the over all pose thats the issue. It makes your pieces lack energy and any real umph. Your beautiful use of color and line usually covers for this but for me (someone who also struggles with this) it pops out like a sore thumb.

To practice, id suggest doing gesture drawings (1 minute sketches of action poses) to really understand how the body moves fluidly and to practice capturing that energy. Id also suggest doing 5-10 minute studies of full body figures in which you specifically observe how the pose affects the distribution of weight. How the torso curves in relation to the pose (your torsos are often very vertical and stiff) and how their muscles, fat, and clothing stretch, bulge, or fold depending on the pose.

Try to keep things loose during these studies and focus on capturing the energy of the pose over perfect anatomy. Focusing on anatomy can often be a distraction and can actually detract from capturing the fluid movement of a pose when you are first learning. You dont want to be thinking about anatomy during a 1 or 5 or 10 minute study if that is not what you are trying to learn.

While doing gesture drawings, its important that you move fast and dont get hung up on details. Get the line of action in there and the general shapes of the figure. Focus more on the movement of the figure over anatomy or details. Feel the rhythm in the pose and do your best to capture it. Id suggest doing 10 or 20 of these at a time. Sites like Line of Action are great for studies like this.

For 5-10 minute studies you want to build on the rhythm you developed during the 1 minute studies. Again, you want to focus on the movement of the pose over the details. Keep shapes simplified and force yourself to think in the abstract. A vibe i get from looking at ur art is that you get focused on the small details while losing sight of the big picture (might be wrong bout this but its something i also struggle with lolol) so during studies its important to keep ur mind on the bigger picture. Focusing in on small details adds to the stiffness of a piece as instead of one singular piece, it’s made of many smaller pieces. Idk if that makes sense lololol. Id do 1 hour of these 5-10 minute studies.

But yea id say this is really the main thing holding you back right now. Once you figure out how to capture the rhythm and energy in a pose id say ur golden lololol good luck! I hope this helps XD

oh gods yeah I need to whip some referencing for poses and specially dynamism, I tend to make things a bit too stiff. I think I cornered myself into making very static poses since I do a lot of character ref oriented work, and showing the design and outfits is a priority over the dynamism, and like, I need to get working on that.

It sucks to realize how I've let social media performance guide a bit on what I draw and I practice. People like their fullbody character designs with a grey background, and I've let a lot of What Isn't That fall apart, and it's bad! I gotta get better!

I need to find a way to maybe get a way to do these practices and still post it, bc even when I've done them, they stay in a folder and never get to see the light of the day. (Also, I saw the other ask and I'm gonna check that one soon! I struggle so much finding good refs for that!)

[strawbearyhoney]

Just say you hate ppl with eating disorders and go

if someone were to promote depression ( literally using a pro-depression tag and telling other people how to get more depressed and encouraging others to self harm and be miserable ) and i said ' tumblr should block that tag ' would you say i hated ppl who suffer froam depression . lol

i have ppl close to me who have suffered from eating disorders and i have a complicated relationship with food myself . its one thing for ppl struggling with an ed to have a space to talk about it , to connect with other people going through the same thing , even to vent about it / their challenging thoughts and talk about when they relapse . its another thing entirely to make posts like " fat ppl are ugly disgusting monsters you have to be skinny pale and frail to be worth anything or beautiful " and then plop urself right into an echo chamber of people obessing and nodding along liek yes yes i must be thin i must be thin all i want is to be thin im disgusting

you are going to die . full stop . you are going to die . your organs will fail and your hair will fall out and your teeth will wear down from the acid of you throwing up so often . you are going to die and it wont be pretty . you are going to die if you do not get out . eating disorders kill people , full stop . liek i need you to understand how serious this is . you either recover or youre dead . this isnt me saying " i dont liek that these people are talking about something thats bad " or " ppl struggling with this should have no spaces to talk about what theyre going through " , this is me saying " the pro ana tag is so incredibly dangerous and tumblr should block it liek theyve blocked countless of other way less harmful tags " . this is me saying im begging you to do some reserach to get out of the echo chamber and i know its not that easy and you cant just say ' wow ur right im healed now thanks ' , but you have to want to get better and that starts with cutting out " thinspo " and to stop encouraging eachother to slowly kill yourselves

liek there are a host of other problems too . the fatphobia is an obvious one , but also the colourism , racism , etc . the pro ana / thinspo communities are obsessed with reaching this ideal of a skinny pale waif , so many blog titles and urls are centered around being ~ fragile ~ and ~ pure ~ and they only ever focus on white girls ( or apparently kpop stars now ) . its an incredibly toxic place . " meanspo " is a thing now ?? i couldnt stomach too much of it

but without getting into the ~ discourse ~ or how ~ problematic ~ those communities are . putting that aside . youre going to die . full stop you either recover from an ed or it kills you . and some people with eds are suicidal and that wont deterr them , for some their goal is to wither away into nothingness . ppl with eds are not healthy , mentally or physically , and that is not a moral judgment , it is a fact . people get eds for all sorts of reasons , from trauma ( abuse , bullying , sa , etc ) , from being fat in a fatphobic world , because they latch onto food as something they feel liek they can control-- there's so many reasons , an endless amount of reasons . i am not here to shame anyone for having an eating disorder

that does not change my stance on the fact that the " pro ana / thinspo " tags ( and their copycats . #proana #proed #thinspi #thinspii #thinspø #thinsp0 #ed not sheeran #ed not sherran #ana miaa etc etc ) are dangerous and should be removed . similar to how someone going into tha #depression tag and promoting and encouraging others to kill themselves should be banned

srsly if someone went into tha #depression tag and started posting and commenting on others posts liek " kill yourself , its never going to get better , heres some accessible ways to die , heres some suicide inspo , heres cute suicide note ideas , kill urself just die prove everyone wrong , everyone will be so sorry and regret the way they treated you , just die " , people would mass report them and dogpile them and be angry at them and get them banned . but when pro ana ppl do it suddenly its " let us cope " lol ????? not all coping methods are good or healthy or should be encouraged / promoted . and self mutilation is one thing , but when you are actively harming others it cant be left alone

to quote Blythe Baird from her spoken word When The Fat Girl Gets Skinny : if you are not recovering , you are dying

[thevampirediariesuniverse-1864]

Bucky x bullied reader | warning : age gap slefharm bulling eating disorder

Your yn stark . Tony’s only daughter . You were define not a small girl . You were very tall , about 5”10 and had broad shoulders and big muscled legs . You were naturally a very intimidating person .Your waist was your only problem. You hated it . More than anything in the world you would stare at the mirror and look at yourself dog cussing every imperfection and calling your self names you wouldn’t call the devil .

When you started bullied . Every day names such as “ trans bitch “ “ man !!” “Ugly !” “Fat bitch !” ( not trying to be hurtful anyone ) it kept getting harder to deal with just constantly every day . You became depressed . And you learned to mask it , just fake it till you make it right ? But what if i don’t make it ?? U thought . You stared to push yourself to eat less and every time you would give in and eat you would end up crying for hours and feeling bad for days The bulling eventually got bad enough that you resorted to cutting yourself . . But you weren’t stupid . You really didn’t want to get caught doing this you didn’t want ANYONE to see or find out , who knows what they would do . So u cut right under your breasts . A place no one would look ever . The only way they would find out is if you showed them .

And you continued to cut . Every insult worse than the last . Chipping prices at you . It was hardest to hide around Steve . Not because he was per say smart about that kinda stuff but he went through bulling , u knew he would understand or mabey he would be scared of you because he would think your crazey . Those thoughts also began to take root . Mabey the avengers don’t like me … I am fat … and the most useless one on the team .

Soon u began to isolate yourself from the team scared that they hated you . U didn’t want to bother them . Ur dad tried so hard to talk to you but every time he got the same answers ( no dad I’m fine really I’m fine , no nothing is wrong ) but one day Steve’s friend came to join the compound . His name was Bucky . He instantly was drawn to you . Like he could sense your pain too and you know the saying misery loves company . Tony noticed you talked to Bucky , he saw you smile for the first time in months . He decided to ask Bucky if he could try and ask what’s bothering you to help you ,

And so that’s what he did . Bucky agreed to it . Soon after talking over coffee Bucky asked ( you seem sad can you talk to me ) you hugged and decided someone needed to to know . He would help you right ? ( I’ve been bullied all year for my size and I started cutting and then I started feeling like if everyone at school hated me then everyone here must too … I mean face it I’m the ugly fat tag along .. coaches kid ) Bucky eyes were watering

( can I see ?) he said as a tear fell from his cheek you said ( ok but don’t freak out and don’t ! Tell anyone , this is between u and me . Especially dad ) u lifted your shirt up only high enough to reveal your cuts . Bucky cried even more ( your just a kid !) he croaked out as u stood there stone faced . As he dragged his fingers along the fresh and old cuts littering you chest .

Bucky fell to his knees and just hugged you . He didn’t know what to do . But hug you . And you stroked his hair and he cried . ( please don’t cry , it’s ok , I’m not worth it ) Bucky snapped up , ( no ! Ur worth every single thing in this world ! Ur so kind the only one beside Steve who was truly my friend! U took care of me when I needed u . Listen to my troubles with compassion and you are truly beautiful beyond compare ! ) you just stood there . Blushing a bit .

Bucky sternly said ( I need names , doll . I’m going to fix this and we are going to get you the help you need) you quickly said ( no ! I’m not crazey ! I don’t need help ! Your going to ship me away or send me to some jerk therapist who think’s I’m broken ! And your gonna tell dad ! I should’ve known ! )

Bucky quickly said ( no no no doll ! You can tell your dad on your time , but I want you to see a therapist mabey just once a week , talk about it to someone .. I have to go to therapy ) you say ( yeah because u have trama , you have hurt and pain that no one came even imagine !) Bucky says ( yeah so do you ! Ur a teenager ! And you have to deal with that shit alone ! And you care so much for others that you hide away so they can be happy and not worry about you and isolate yourself in case ur making them sad !)

Bucky continue ( ur so strong ! And I .. I love you so much , doll I’m in love with you and I will help you even if it mean destroying taht school and every one in it !) that’s when you hear it steve comes around the corner eyes red and puffy watery ( yn , sweetie why didn’t you tell me !I would have understood! Your not a burden ! We all love you so much ! And all we want is for you to be happy , but you dad dose have to know about this ) you say ( Steve please no !he can’t know !!) he says ( I’m sorry sweetie, ) you cry out loudly ( nooo !!!! Pleeease !!! No !) you grab his arm . Trying to keep him from going to tony .

( yn , doll it for the best ) as you turn to Bucky as he engulfs you in a big bear hug . When you look up at him he’s looking down at you . When he dose it . He kisses you . His arms wrapping around you holding you close around your waist as your around his neck .for now to heck with life and it’s problems you were happy .

Till tony came into the room ( kitchen ) ( yn , baby tell me it’s not true .. my precious baby girl ) you just look away u can’t meet his eyes . You stare at the floor as tony takes you from buckys arms , Bucky want to growl and snatch you back but holds it together .

Bucky later asks you ( doll , I … I want you to be my girlfriend.. will you ? ) you shout (yess!!) as you jump into his arms , after that he’s sooo overprotective of you you are his and his alone no one will ever harm his doll

After everything you just went through tony and Steve and Bucky all decide they need to talk to the school then tony plans on suing them . But that day in class your class was watching a movie on the winter soilder and captain America . All the class said winter soilder was so cool and bad ass . All the girls said he was sooo hot . All the people who were so so so mean to you . This was your chance . Your revenge .

You said to the girls ( I know right he is hot , and he s my boyfriend) the girls said ( no he not !) ( he would never date an ugly pig ) ( yeah like Sirius he wants a hot body not a fat one ) (he is my boyfriend!) u say . ( prove it !) they say so sur in them selves ( ok )

You pull out you phone calling Bucky . ( hey Bucky I need you you to come to my school please )

Bucky says ( I’m on my way )

He comes into your class room . You see him and smile . All the girls are squealing ( hiii !!! Omg !! Ur so hot !) ( I love you !!) ( you wannna go out with me ?!) Bucky says ( no I’m here for my girl , come one doll grab your bag we’re going to go see me stark ) whispers arouse from teh class ( me stark ?) (like the tony stark ) ( why thou ?! Why her ?)

You say ( ok I can’t wait to see dad !) the whole clas screams ( DAD !!!) Bucky says ( go wait for me in the “expensive car “ , I’ll be right out) you go and do ad he says

He says to the class ( hello , I’m James Barnes , formally known as winter soilder , and that sweet girl you torment everyday is my girlfriend and tony Starla daughter , and she cares about you all so much that she refuses to give us teh names of teh people who bully her !! It makes me so mad that you can do that to a person who will always have your back no matter what you do to them !, good bye ) and he walks out

,

[mrsackermannx]

Thank you for your reply. You are really kind ily 🥹🥹

Pcos is really hard to deal with. It has fucked me up so bad. From facial hair to hyperpigmented private parts, it has given me everything. I'm so fucking insecure. It's hard not to be😭 I wanna look pretty. My doc gave me heavy meds I was nauseous the whole time I took the tablet. It was hell. Besides i had severse foodpipe ulcers. Now I'm off tablet. I'm just so much so worried about my hair only. I also had to have dandruff!!! Just my life ugh. I had hair down upto my knees. I had to cut it short as it got tangled all the time and it made extra hairloss. Im jsut 18. Haven't even joined university yet. Other girls are pretty ugh. Sorry I jsut ranted. I'm tempted to just shave my head at times. I cry every night lmao.

It is kinda good to know that I'm not alone (although I hope none of us have to grow through this) and thanks for the "don't"s 🫶🫶

Do you have any scalp washing tips btw?

If I touch my head, there's no hair..it's just touching my scalp directly lol bald me

BEAUTIFUL GIRL OF COURSE! I never want my pcos girlies to feel silenced???😚😚 first of all….Oh the facial hair has been kicking my ass since i was 15 and im 21 girl 😭😭 but i will say, at 19-20 it peaked for me, i hit rock bottom and i do think that the external stress of uni pushed it but i also thing it’s a genuine like canon event for us pcos girlies, i truly believe that until ur pcos really gets you down, you can’t rise up from it. i was the biggest id ever been, lost all my hair, facial hair was insane!!

i mean this in the best way, because I’ve been there girl, i still am there, i get laser on my face and neck, i wash my hair and like it gives me anxiety just washing my hair and seeing the loss, feeling the loss of density, like you i had hair down my back my whole life and i cut it over a year ago and now it has grown back thicker at least bc mine was all straggly at the worst point😭 i KNOW your pain.

BUT everybody always told me that the older i get it will level out and trust me it does!! and it did. im 21 and things have settled, we can only go through this process. i promise you, it gets better. my hair is still thinner but it shines and i put love into it!! i oil my scalp every time i wash it, I’ve been doing it for 8 months religiously.

and girl you are pretty!! i used to read the r/pcos thread a lot bc it made me feel less alone and like, i saw a post once venting about how hard it is having so much maintenance, to wake up and have to shave your face, to be conscious, to have to cover hair loss. that constant weight of having to get up and do all these steps that you feel other women don’t. i know the frustration, i have bumps and marks and body hair that makes me sob if I don’t shave it and then I look down in the shower and it hits me. but it’s also okay to pay for the things like laser or waxing, or learning how to wax etc, we have to manage in any way, we are allowed to prioritise and do things that make us feel beautiful bc we deserve it. we have to adapt rather than hoping it might just disappear, and we have to accept it🥺🩷

but diet is huge!! at least try and have a protein heavy breakfast!! 30g of protein is such an important aim, I promise that makes such a difference. definitely try not to have a lot of sugar in the morning. i only drink water or spearmint tea. matcha tea can be good bc it’s better then coffee, but I never drink caffeine because it’s so bad for us pcos girls especially on an empty stomach!! try and eat good fats!! and also integrating exercise!! and also MANAGE STRESS BABE I MEAN IT

but you are still beautiful, effortlessly and with your ways of coping. there is nothing wrong with us!! don’t be sorry for ranting at all, i also wanted to shave my head at the height of my weight loss i had a huge bald spot and it’s still kinda there 😭 i know this shit is REAL

but definitely check in with a doctor if you can get any advice/meds that could help, maybe a birth control pill could help you but again I don’t recommend that due to my own experiences bc it gave me severe acne, migraines and other things but tbf my hair was lucious😜, pcos is a lot of trial and error and seeing what might work for you.

as far as tips go!! look into Indian/arab/ayuverdic routines on TikTok/youtube!!! look up ways to massage your scalp!!!

here are my fave creators !!

@golabbeauty on tiktok for hair loss, hair oiling, diet, she has pcos herself!

@zoeantonia_ tiktok + instagram!! pcos positivity for facial hair, bloating, skin!! she also gives great diet and workout advice and she’s amazing!!

@mila.magnani on tiktok! pcos creator amazing!!!!!!

but i want you to know that you don’t have to start everything now, that you can eat something one creator says not to!! you will find your rhythm with this! steal, twist, tailor everything you hear and see creators doing !! whether it’s making your own mixture of oils for oiling or making some kind of nightly mock tail for your hormones you’ve found!! either way i believe in you and im always here <3333 educate yourself but don’t overwhelm yourself! time is your biggest ally, my heart goes out to you angel <3

[pangzi]

THANK YOU for talking about pangzi in the tags of that post ur so right it makes me soooo happy to read fics where he's is fat and happy and hot and loved and it sucks when other people can't see that because of their bias

thanks again for bringing it up because i do think its something the fandom as a whole needs to look at more critically

<3

I'm glad it's not just me and a handful of people close to me seeing that it's an actual big issue in the fandom! ♥️

Especially because so many people will say they love him, he's their favourite but then never actually include him or just treat him awfully.

I get very fed up about it quite often because it's just so obvious to me. I see a lot of people asking "Why is this idea about Pangzi so common it makes no sense" or "Why is this Pangzi ship not as popular as this one while it makes way more sense" and then never actually thinking about it while the answer is so obvious... It's also extra frustrating because none of the actors playing Pangzi are actually fat. They're completely normal men who are just surrounded by extremely skinny boys. I don't even want to imagine how Pangzi would be treated if he were played by an actual fat man. (The closest we get is Liu Tianzuo in TLT1 and it's not surprising to me that he's fandom's least favourite and most criticized Pangzi)

Because this bias also becomes most obvious in headcanons like 'I can only imagine Pangzi as asexual/cishet/in a QPR' (because they're so so fucking common and casually thrown around) it's really hard to point it out to people without them getting really defensive about it.

I have three separate posts about it in my drafts/notes app that I wrote after spending weeks and weeks working on video lectures about diversity and inclusion, many focusing on bias but I couldn't get the tone right so I never posted them.

I just want people to understand that everyone is biased and it's not something that makes you a bad person. Nobody wants to be biased, you just are. You get taught things by the world around you and your brain learns it whether you want it or not. It's up to you to look at what you have learned and think about it at least twice and then unlearn the harmful untrue things like gender bias, fat bias, race bias. It's not easy to address your bias but it does get easier once you accept you are biased and (not to use the terms I learned in my diversity lectures) start overriding your fast brain and start listening to your slow brain. I was once told that your first thought is what you have been taught by the world around you (fast brain) and your second thought is what you, yourself, actually think (slow brain). It's hard and a bit exhausting, especially with something like fat bias that has been so deeply ingrained and normalised, but god when i tell you it makes your world so much more beautiful.

Fat people deserve to be fat and still be loved and happy and seen as sexy and a potential love interest. Pangzi is fat and hot and a wonderful lovely competent man who is strong and funny and kind. He is extremely loved by the people around him, especially Wu Xie and Xiaoge. He has so so so many good and wonderful traits but he also has his quirks and he says the wrong things sometimes and he's impulsive at moments but that's what makes him so interesting and beautiful and dynamic! He deserves to be portrayed like that more instead of just the mother hen who cooks and cleans while the rest has sex or as the wingman for his two besties or the annoying clumsy fat man who once again triggers a trap because of his greed or just the comic relief or the creepy straight man.

ANYWAY I'll shut up now! If you ever want to talk about how how beautiful Pangzi is and how beautiful other characters think he is and how sexy it is of him to be fat, my DMs are always open!

[hauntedzone]

ok so i saw one of ur posts that was basically like “a lot people who support fat activism still have a subconscious fear of fatness” and i guess im just asking you to explain a bit??

why is it wrong for people to not want to be/fear being fat while also acknowledging that fat ppl obviously deserve to be treated like human beings? i genuinely can’t understand why that would be a problematic thing

obviously you don’t have to explain anything since it’s ur blog and you don’t owe me anything but i was just a bit confused so yeah

ok so, let me clear one thing up, i actually avoided talking about the desire to not BE fat yourself in that post because i think thats a bit more complicated and there are valid reasons such as, for instance, noticing fat people are treated like shit and not wanting that. i do think that if you fear gaining like 10 lbs or going up a size, theres something irrational about that, but that ALONE is not really what i was going after.

its when your fear of getting fat is so obvious it bleeds into how you perceive and interact with fat people, yknow? its when you speak body positivity but you dont talk to fat people, you dont make art of fat people (or you make art of fat characters but make them noticeably skinnier!), you reblog thin models exclusively etc. when you see someone attracted to fat people and claim theyre a chaser or freak. (sort of like that twitter weirdo who said being attracted to short women makes you a freak.) when you say all bodies are beautiful but its really obvious you dont want to even look at fat people

its the sort of thing thats unspoken but fat people can see a mile away. as someone who has lost a lot of weight over a short period of time, the difference of how youre treated when youre smaller is INCREDIBLY noticeable to when youre bigger. and im not talking about blatant things like name calling. its honestly quite disheartening when you think about it too hard.

im not trying to call anyone problematic. im observing that were in a transitory period and going from "fat is terrible" to "fat is okay" or even "fat is good." people want to show that theyre moving with the time so of course theyll change their rhetoric. what im saying is, when people arent changing their thoughts and actions as well, they dont hide it well

dont rb; tags are for trigger warning purposes

[creepyjirachi]

im so deeply curious on how you wish su couldve ended. genuinely i would love to hear ur thoughts

oh good god. kendra if literally anyone else on the planet had sent me this ask i would have assumed they were heckling me. this is like diffusing a bomb.

okay. so i haven't watched the show in a long time, like literally since it was airing, and i never rewatched. so if i were going to have a specific Better Ending in mind, i would have to rewatch the whole show first to get reacquainted with all the lore. BUT.

mostly, i just would have liked the show to have had more time. rebecca sugar and the crew took a massive risk on the gay wedding, and they understood that the show could have been cancelled right there. and that basically happened. their priorities were what they were. they wanted it that badly. i get that. but, obviously, the ending was very rushed.

su has a lot of flaws, but one of the things they actually did very well was having characters who were complex people who evolved naturally over time. except for when they didn't do that. i thought the diamonds, all of them but especially white and yellow, had very bad arcs. their development was so fast it was almost instantaneous. they were built up for so long over the course of the series, and the stakes with them were super high. i didn't think their changes of heart were very realistic. it didn't make enough sense for who they were as people. and it all just happened so, so quickly. it just fell flat to me, and it felt unearned and insincere.

i also didn't like how the finale just kind of threw in all the loose ends for no reason. every remaining steven fusion, just like...... was there. even though in previous episodes, those would have been earned by exploring the relationships between the characters in a meaningful way. but, whatever. chuck them in, who cares, the show is cancelled. ugh.

and beyond the finale itself, i just didn't really like how certain characters were written towards the end? peridot became like, dumb comic relief when honestly her redemption arc was one of the best things the writers pulled off on the show. they just constantly beat rose quartz's corpse as well, which....... started out as a deconstruction of her image as a Perfect Sacrificial Hero. which i liked. i like rose. i like that she's this bizarre antihero who simultaneously saved the whole planet but also (unintentionally?) imploded everything around her. everyone on the show has a complicated relationship with her and her memory, and that's a good thing! but in the later seasons, we almost exclusively see her in a negative light, even compared to characters like the other diamonds who did WAY worse things and DIDN'T try to grow or change. the way her story was told just gave off the impression that she was a complete fraud, liar, and manipulator the entire time. which, in my opinion, she wasn't! she changed and grew profoundly over time, much like literally every other character. i just would have liked much more closure for rose's story, rather than using her for endless angst fuel when she's the only character who cannot speak for herself. but whatever. whatever!

final gripe: a lot of plus size women (including me before i figured out i was trans) found a lot of joy in rose quartz over the first couple seasons. she was this beautiful, powerful, beloved character who was fat. i saw a loooooot of posts back in the day about how grateful people were to see her on screen. and i'm not going to say that she should have remained one-dimensional or that making her complicated was wrong. but having her turn into The Devil Of The Show just...... hits me kinda wrong. i wouldn't go as far as to say it's bigoted or anything, but it just makes me sad. it's like giving a kid their first and only toy, only to reveal that the toy is full of spiders. like, ouch.

[blackvail22]

9/22/23 — 1:20am

i hate wanting to be productive in the middle of the night. i was tired all day tdy, and now i just want to do something productive. no!!! i work earlier than usual tomorrow!!!!

im doing my skincare now... i wore makeup tdy so i have no choice but to do it 🤯

im tired still but i dont want to sleep. i feel like i havent been productive enough tdy even though i went to 3 different appointments and within the 2 hours before work i cleaned my bathroom sink (that was incredibly disgusting, i am not exaggerating. no one has cleaned it in like a little over a year. my dad shaves his face there whenever it gets like 5 inches long and doesnt clean the hair out of the sink/on the counter. its gross.), made ramen (it wasnt v good).... at work i walked around almost the whole 6 hours. my feet hurt so!! bad!! after i work. it happens every time. it doesnt help that when i fell down my stairs, my "sprained" foot didnt heal properly. i also hurt my hand at work and have not seen a doctor .... im ngl im like a mess and if i tell anyone abt this theyll tell me its because im fat and need to lose weight WE GET IT. I KNOW. IM TRYING, AND JUST BECAUSE I AM DOESNT MEAN THAT I CANT HAVE SMTH WRONG WITH ME?????

anyways

im tired. like mentally and physically. i had counseling tdy and i told her everything and the time still wasnt full. she shared some things abt her life recently... still didnt fill the time. she didnt respond much at all, but she's grieving, so i understand

im not telling anyone except u and my digital diary about my situation with my ex... i need to stop complaining to people abt him and making it everyones problem when its really my fault i keep letting him back in my life. its bad! ive literally had dreams where he did that *thing* but like in an extremely worse way, and i told myself that i just had to live with it, that i have to get used to it. and, i mean, i guess i do... if i can *** ***** then he can do whatever.

im not even with him... just flirting heavily. he picks up on it, i think so, anyway....

im tired

i saw that u updated ur music playlist you sent to me recently ! so heres a song for u in return

2:51am

idk why it pisses me off so bad but when b says shes ugly it makes me so angry. "why cant i be like the pretty girls?" she is the definition of a pretty girl... she may not see it because people were mean to her growing up but its like... ive cried SO much because of how pretty she is. my parents call her the pretty girl, people at school say shes pretty all the time... it just makes me so upset that someone as pretty as her cant see it. and i wish she could, honestly.

and i hate that this makes me so angry. i have so much envy that it rips me apart every second of the day, and i hate it!!!!! im the fat, ugly friend, and i always felt bad for her being friends with me. she says that im one of the prettiest ppl she knows.... if that were true, would she have deleted all the photos of me off of her phone? who knows. and the fact that people compliment her all the time at school and in public should say A LOT about how pretty she is. it happens all the time! and i mean all the time. maybe she doesnt think it was genuine or she forgets? idk... i think the last time a stranger complimented my appearance was a year and a half ago at a taco bell drive thru. the last time i was called pretty (besides when my mom says it) was at leastt 6 months ago. im like distraught because she is literally so beautiful fuck

this is going to make me cry myself to sleep because i cant say any of this to her because this is really just unhealthy of me, like the envy and making me seem like the victim. it just makes me so upset that everyone thinks shes pretty but herself

yeah im def crying myself to sleep gn i work in 11hrs which sounds like a long time from now but i havent slept yet lol

3:16am

ok i lied i messaged her and said "i saw you commented "i wish i was one of the pretty girls" on a tiktok, and i really need you to know that you are the pretty girl. youre so incredibly beautiful not only on the outside but the inside too... it can be rare to find someone like that. i hope youre able to see yourself through my eyes someday and see yourself for what you truly are—beautiful"

i hope it doesnt come off weird

ok i cried and messaged her i should rlly just sleep now

[ohheyidothat]

MH4 notes for myself (will have spoilers about gear, and maybe other things)

Insect glaives

Sturdy Glaive - BEAUTIFUL final form. As good as your current weapon, if you have Monster Broth and Zinogre Claw+ for upgrades.

Shell Intoner - final form is purple 🥺 💜 wowm....,, Need it

Assault Glaive (sleepy lol) - looks neat fully upgraded, two slots, no violet sharpness tho, but sleepy >:3

Sect Happa - sharpness kinda meh unless you have the sharpness boosting skill, BUT has 899 damage! Most others are in the 700s.

Najarala is the weakest I've seen and it only has one slot and it looks like there's a silly face on it or something :3 RIP. I love Najarala but I don't like this weapon

Zamtrios - looks kinda silly, but THREE SLOTS, and 806 attack, and 300 Ice Element :0

Seregios - okay kinda eh sharpness BUT remember that it auto sharpens when you dodge. Only ONE slot but 899 damage. No element??? No effect???? Maybe that's wrong? I figured it would have the same as the seregios

Brachy - oooooo 390 blast.... 873 attack, one slot. Sharpness fair but no violet. Mmmmh!!! Tough decision. NO slots. 480 thunder element tho and 868 attack. Meh sharpness.

Kirin+ (Violin) - ohhhhh 😍 okay so only one slot, fair sharpness w/o violet, BUT 560 ice element. Only 744 attack, but +35 defense! No affinity. Looks like a unicorn put goth girl purple eyeshadow on its horn (looks cool)

Rajang/Metal Mauler - mmmmmm -20% affinity is blehh

Dalamadur - 😍😍😍 ohhhh. 930 attack???? NICE sharpness!!! 320 blast!!! One slot. I don't even know what a dalamadur is but ooooooo.. uh base name is direspike

Heavens Fire (Rathalos) - one slot, 20% affinity, damage is 868, okay sharpness, 370 fire. Kinda cool

Daora - whoaom it looks like a tentacle whirlpool on one end cool! One slot, 10 affinity, 320 ice, ehhh kinda pretty meh sharpness, tbh not a top contender except for the cool look lol.

Ukanlos - yeehaw motherfucker??? 1116 attack????? Ohhhh +20 def BUT -30% affinity YIKES. One slot and ice 120. Sharpness is....pathetic tbh, barely sharper than my regular shell intoner. Also looks like some weird spikey thing, not graceful like I would prefer :3 oof that attack tho

Fatalis - hmm ok visual vibes. Oh hot damn. 3 slots, +40 def, 837 attack, 520 dragon element. Sharpness is barely better than my regular shell intoner. BUT those slots might make up for it with a sharpness skill addition.

Medusa (Najarala+) - uhhhhh the vibes.... Not my style... No slots but 15% affinity. 837 attack, 320 water. Mmmm..... No..... Turquoisey and has the silly face looking thing. RIP again Najarala.

Color Var Zamtrios - nah. No slots, eh element, eh all around. Does have 150 para.

Diablos - attack 1054 but -10% affinity. Sharpness..... Huh. Well it has a HUGE blue section but no violet. Even with sharpness upgrade. Mmm no slots and fire 330

Black Diablos - eh there's better picks.

Stronger S. Magala - oh funky. -25% affinity unless ur frenzied, then +10% affinity. No slots, 90 dragon, 800s attack.

Caster (Chameleon?) - oh no it's pretty. 480 POISON WHOO. 2 slots, 837 attack. No affinity. Sharpness rather meh--DOES have white, but barely, and then blue isn't very long.

Stronger Eldaora - oh fuck that's sharp. Full sharp bar. Bit of violet, bit of white, then a long section of blue. 930 attack, ice is 200, and -35% affinity RIP. NO slots either. Oof.

Stronger Fatalis (Hellruin) - oh nice 2 slots 560 blast. Attack 837, affinity +15%. Mmmmm nicer than the other Fatalis. I do like the affinity and blast. Sharpness pathetic tho. Small strip of blue and that's it. DOES gain a tiny bit of white and violet with sharpness boost.

Messenger's Mark - oh no. Only ONE slot okay. 110 sleep. -10% affinity. Oof, violet sharpness with a decent white section and then a fair blue section. 899 attack. BUT OH MY GOD ITS SO PRETTY. Description claims it is made from darkness from the netherworld and indeed it has those vibes. Goddamnit I might need it. Its pretty.

OH THATS ALL. RIP.

Oh wait one more Fatalis (soldier/overlord) with a sopping wet meow meow sharpness and 868 attack and no slots or affinity and 450 thunder. eh.

This has not helped me narrow down my chosen weapon. This has only made me want to make a Frankenstein insect glaive by duct-taping my favorite ones together into a big bundle. My brain has a bad suggestion for a name. I could call it Kindling though lol since it is just a bunch of fuckin sticks.

[ash-ravenia]

Hi people, dw I haven't abandoned this tumblr, I was just very fatigued from the holidays and still am tbh. Yay disabled life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also been doing some self exploring again and I added he/him to my pronouns 😊

My pronouns are now she/they/he. I can be ur lesbian gf, boifriend or genderless vampire 😌

Also dealing with some body issues currently unfortunately. I'm realizing more and more how the issues I have with my weight are also dysphoric in nature. Maybe not all the time the main factor but it's always a part of it? And that kinda sucks?

Because my head is all like fuck diet culture, fat is beautiful, there's nothing wrong with fat bellies and legs etc. And I know that's something I 100% believe and then I look at myself and I'm like no this feels wrong I want a more skinny "androgynous" shape, I want smaller breasts, sometimes I just wanna look like a girlboi, sometimes I just wanna be nonbinary masc the way I envision. And again that sucks because you don't have to be the stereotypical skinny white person to be genderfluid/nonbinary and still my brain goes "no I wanna wake up like that"

It's weird because growing up as a teenager and in my 20s I just thought I wanted to be a skinny girl because that was the beauty standard, and now I'm in my 30s and surprise it goes much deeper than that 🤡

Idk, being genderfluid kinda sucks sometimes. Can't wait until my snakebites heal so I can go back and get an eyebrow piercing. I may not ever reach that standard I put for myself but I'm sure as hell decorating this flesh vessel the way I want to ✌🏻

[rianafying]

journal entry time:

i missed my therapy appointment this morning and i feel so stupid for it. like i’m an absolute idiot. i really needed it. it’s making me very anxious. like i’ve failed the day. which i have. i have failed to do the one important task of the day. and it was so stupid and forgetful of me. and i’m hungry. and broke. i haven’t been able to get a job because most of the jobs available are in food, and my doctor said to not do fast food jobs because of my psoriasis. i’ve not even been looking for a retail job properly. I need the money. I’m sad, because i’m not doing everything right. i’m scared that things will keep going wrong. i should start working on my other assignments early. and i still haven’t cleaned my room. everything’s a mess. inside and out. i’m not actually overwhelmed, but i’m not okay either, like i’m mildly agitated by the fact that i forgot, but i’m sure my therapist will understand, and i can just get another appointment next week. i don’t know what to do about my weight though. i hate talking about it in my journals because people are like ohhh ur not fat ur beautiful, no! that’s not what i want to hear, i don’t want to hear anything at all.. especially if you’re a guy. like i’m venting to myself, this is not at all about what you think of me. this is about what i think of me. nobody else’s encouragement or discouragement means anything to me. the point is that i’m the only person whose opinion i care about and right now i’m not a fan of me. i keep forgetting things, i keep spending too much time watching rlly dumb youtube videos. i keep failing to exercise or clean my room. i’m a slightly better than average student, which is not even nearly good enough. i’m unemployed. uncool. carrying so much baggage. trauma. anxiety. depression. psoriasis. everything is slowly crumbling down on me. i feel like at best i can keep things duct taped for a week or two, then the cracks start to show. i feel sad. there’s things i want that i can’t afford. i can barely afford to eat well and tap on on the trains. i feel alone and scared. i can’t even talk to anyone because i have trust issues and i don’t want to burden anybody with me. although sometimes it helps to get an outside perspective or we can suffer from tunnel vision if we just keep to ourselves but i’ll take that chance, because i’m usually the one people reach out to to talk about things because i often have a realistically positive perspective on things, and i can communicate it in a convincing way. and i do that for myself too. and so far, aside from therapy i haven’t needed much support. and besides, people aren’t very good at giving support, their perspectives often feel like forced optimism, but not in a good way. there are obvious holes in their arguments and i know i’m being a smart ass right now but this is my inner monologue, just fucking let me. basically, most people don’t give good advice or advice that is suited to me. but i do a decent job. so here i am. journaling again. giving myself advice. again.

it’s sunny today, i don’t like that. i miss the rain. it rained continuously the last two days and nights. and i still can’t get enough. the rain comforts me. it’s like a blanket of dripping sounds. it cools the world down, gives it a much needed shower. i love when it rains.

i thought i was supposed to go to a party tonight but it’s actually on saturday next week. so that’s good, i guess?

i fell asleep in the middle of writing my journal entry because i saw my face on the black reflection of my phone and put my phone away and cried into my pillow. then i fell asleep. and now i’m up. and i’m confused. i’m listening to some habibi funk. turns out one of my friends is also into habibi funk and that makes me happy. okay i’m going to get something to eat now. i have 13 dollars in total, so i’ll save that and try to eat some crackers and tuna at home. rlly tired of ramen. everything is very expensive here. living is so expensive. am i good enough to be spending all this money? aka living? am i?

life be easy on me.

i wish i was happy with myself. lately i’ve been quite the opposite. i wish i was cool. cool people seem to like themselves and be comfortable in their own skin. couldn’t be me. or could. could be me. i’ll try.