#always feel free to correct my IDs if they’re wrong lol

[northernpintail]

Amazing seeing this Red-tailed Hawk(?) flying overhead!

Tagging @hawkpartys what do ya think?

[ptergwen]

through the lens

w/c: 2.3k

warnings: swearing and mentions of blood (all fluff tho!)

summary: yours and peter’s date night doesn’t go as planned, thanks to his “little” accident and mj’s photography project

a/n: it’s been a minute but i’m back! for now lol i promise i’ll be way more active when exam season is over <3 this was based off the lovely pic above taken by the even lovelier zendaya and i hope you enjoy these… let’s call it random workings of my mind

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“hang on, can you come closer?” mj instructs you, you promptly stepping towards her. “is this good?” “great,” she affirms and squints behind the camera. “smile really big on the count of three, okay? one, two, three!” doing as she says, you give mj your cheesiest grin with your eyes squeezed shut and all. she snickers while snapping the moment on her polaroid.

mj asked you to be her subject for a photography project. you’re happy to do it, although it’s super last minute. like, barging-into-your-room-and-begging-you-for-help last minute. she was supposed to turn this in days ago. lucky for mj, her teacher was feeling generous and gave her an extension.

you have to work fast because of mj’s deadline and your plans with peter. he’s coming over for a movie marathon and cuddles right about now. well, he’s actually running a tad bit late. that’s typical peter for you.

“just a couple more, and then you’re free,” mj informs you while shaking out the polaroid. “this is honestly pretty fun, you know.” you glance at the photo she’s holding with an eyebrow quirked in surprise. she captures you well. “what made you choose me?” “no one else was free on a saturday,” she snorts and tosses the picture in a pile with the rest.

your mouth falls agape. “i’m not free! peter’s gonna be here in…” you check the time on your phone, much to your dismay. “he’s a few minutes late, but still. i have things to do, too.” a smirk sets on mj’s face as she gets ready for the next photograph. “relax, y/n/n. i was kidding. i’m sure spider-dweeb will be here sooner than you know it.” sighing lightheartedly, you take a seat on your bed.

“don’t call him that,” you shake your head. mj throws her own head back to the ceiling. “ugh, but that was a good one,” she insists, you only humming. “it’s better than penis parker, at least.” “nah, i like the alliteration,” you laugh out and earn a giggle from mj. “you’re lucky parker doesn’t have super hearing, or does he?” winking, you hit a pose for mj. you’re looking at her over your shoulder with smolder eyes.

“ask him yourself, after you get this shot.”

the two of you continue messing around with her polaroid until the film is almost gone, and peter has yet to arrive. you’re starting to worry. you aren’t sure where he could be.

he doesn’t patrol on weekends unless it’s an emergency, and he would’ve told you if there was one already. he’s never this late without sending a text, either. it’s almost an hour past when date night should’ve started. on the other occasions peter has gone off the grid, they didn’t end well.

“i’m freaking out, em. do you think he’s in some kind of trouble?” you ask mj, pacing around your bedroom. she offers a sympathetic shrug. “maybe he just ate some bad yogurt. remember last time?” being the dummy he is, peter once scarfed down an entire tub of vanilla yogurt before he realized it was expired. no one heard from him for days. he didn’t show up to school or answer any calls.

may ended up inviting you over and explaining he’d gotten a stomach bug, which you then tended to him for the rest of. the story was so amusing, and so peter.

“may doesn’t buy him dairy anymore. why do you think he always raids your freezer?” you bring your fingers up to rub your temples. “the kid can empty ice cream cartons in one bite,” she agrees, silently cringing. her curiosity piques at the fact. “is that also a power?” “who cares?” you nearly shout, your fingers curling into fists. “what i wanna know is if peter is fucking okay.”

on cue, there’s a knock at your apartment door. you and mj exchange looks of urgency, both rushing out of your room to answer.

mj follows you through the hall and stands by your side while you fumble with the lock. when your door pulls open, ned has his hand raised to knock again. “ned? what are you doing here?” you don’t give him the chance to speak. “have you heard from peter? he was supposed to be here a while ago, but he never showed.” rather than answering in words, ned takes a step aside.

the sight you’re met with makes you gasp. peter peeks out from behind him, cuts and bruises littering his flushed face. he gives you a lopsided smile.

“you have your answer,” mj murmurs to you and eyes ned curiously. he lets out a nervous chuckle. “here he is.” you push past ned and practically jump into peter’s arms, your hug bone-crushing. “peter, oh my god! are you okay?” wincing, peter hugs you back by your waist. his chin rests carefully on your head.

“hey… i’m alright, baby. still pretty sore, though,” he sucks his lower lip between his teeth. you take the hint to loosen your grip on him. “i was worried something bad might’ve happened to you. i… i guess i was right.” your tone softens, you threading a hand in his curls. they’re completely disheveled from whatever went down with him.

ned heads inside to catch up with mj, the two of them letting you have a moment alone.

“someone’s got a spidey sense of their own, huh?” peter tries to lighten the mood by joking. it doesn’t work, a frown still evident on your face as you try to untangle his once soft locks. “baby, everything’s fine. i just… had a little accident is all. no big deal,” he reassures you and moves in to peck your lips. you’re so shocked that you dodge the kiss.

“little? your whole face is black and blue, pete!” you tug on the white collar of his button up, peter letting out a shaky breath. your other hand comes to rest on his cheek, touch gentle. “how’d you get like this?” he licks across his lips shyly and sets his hands on your hips. “see, on the way over there were these bad guys who-“

“no there weren’t,” ned cuts in, scoffing at the beginning of his friend’s story. peter shoots him a warning look over your head. “yes there were, ned. you weren’t even there!” he catches mj glaring at him before he continues. “don’t listen to him. anyway, i had to fight them because…” when he trails off, you stroke your thumb across his cheek, avoiding any wounds in the way. raising both eyebrows, mj speaks up.

“because why? go on, parker. i’m intrigued,” she encourages him. everyone can tell peter is lying except you. the question really is, what’s he lying about? he gulps down his spit, pulling your body against his for comfort. “take your time, peter. we can wait,” you say only for him to hear. his love filled eyes meet yours, and he nods. ned huffs at the dramatics unfolding before him.

“dude, you’re making this way worse than it actually is. just tell her!” he demands, mj cocking her head to the side. peter’s gaze flits between the two of them. “tell me what?” you wonder softly and tilt his chin, willing him to look at you again. “i… i…” peter’s shoulders slump, his voice lowering in defeat. “there weren’t any bad guys.”

“of course there weren’t,” ned confirms. “no shit,” mj adds. exhaling, you wait for your boyfriend to further elaborate. “what really happened, then? be honest, pete.” peter lets go of you so he can come into your apartment properly, you shutting the door behind him. he scratches the back of his neck as he fills you in. “ok. um, me and ned were hanging out.”

ned is attempting to stifle a laugh for some reason, which mj elbows him for. you take one of peter’s hands. “yeah?” “we were at my place, and… you know those really slippery steps on the sixth floor?” peter pauses for someone to answer, playing with your fingers. “the ones flash almost wiped out on once?” mj questions in amusement. he lets a quiet chuckle out. “good times. yeah, those.”

his gaze averts to the ground, you listening on. “so, i was walking ned out on my way over. we were talking about spidey stuff-“ “as per usual,” mj mumbles to herself. ned raises his hands in defense. “—and i told ned i could always stick my landings. he didn’t believe me.” you playfully roll your eyes, seeing where this is going. “so… i, uh, decided to show him,” peter finishes off.

“i did a, um, backflip. tripped and fell down the flight of stairs,” he finally admits to you, putting his other hand on top of your intertwined ones. “clearly, i was wrong.” his bloody face is now red from humiliation. “you didn’t trip, dude. you freaking summersaulted!” ned corrects him and bursts into laughter he’s been holding back. “idiots, both of you,” mj simply remarks.

“that’s it? why didn’t you just say that?” you almost laugh yourself. groaning, peter rests his forehead against yours. “because it’s embarrassing! i wanted you to think i’m a tough guy or whatever.” placing both hands on his cheeks this time, you nuzzle your nose against his. “you don’t have to be a tough guy to impress me, babes. you’re kind, smart, funny. makes up for you being such a klutz.”

peter cracks a grin, easily capturing your lips in the kiss he didn’t get to before. it doesn’t last long because mj gags and ned whistles at you. you’re both giggling when you pull apart, peter kissing the tip of your nose for good measure.

“you really mean that?” he checks, tucking back a strand of hair from your face. “of course. i have a thing for himbos,” you tease and poke at his bare chest. his eyes widen. “how about i get you some ice and you find our first movie?” you’re already off to the kitchen, beaming at peter. “date night’s still on?” he happily plops down on your couch, mj showing ned her pictures from earlier.

“as soon as those two get out of here,” you call loudly enough so ned and mj hear you. “yeah, yeah. we’re leaving,” mj deadpans, shoving the photos back into her portfolio. peter glances over at it curiously. “what’s that for?” “photography project,” she says and gets an idea. “i have some film left. y/n took up most of it… you losers want the rest?”

while mj coerces her way to a higher grade, you put some popcorn in the microwave for your movie marathon.

“well, i could use a new lockscreen. i’m in!” ned quickly concedes. him and mj both give peter hopeful looks. “i’m not!” he protests, squishing one of your pillows against his chest. “with my face looking like… this? forget about it.” mj walks over to him and places her portfolio on the coffee table. “what? those gashes are gnarly… in a good way, i mean,” she promises.

“painful, too,” peter murmurs. “y/n, hurry up with that ice!” mj demands, grabbing the polaroid camera from its string around her neck. you wave her off. “what i’m saying is, they’ll look sick in my portfolio.” mj forces a smile, ned looking at her weirdly. “uh, what’s the theme of your project again?” “freestyle, baby,” mj casually replies.

peter comes up with a condition that could persuade him. “if you say please, i might consider it,” he concludes, mj perking up. “please be in my project. pretty please?” she instantly requests, ned pursing his lips from behind her. peter rubs his chin. “y/n, what do you think? should i?” you pipe in from the kitchen. “yeah, so she’ll leave my house.”

“you heard the lady. i’ll do it,” peter gives in. all but squealing, mj gestures for ned to sit. “this’ll only take a few minutes. you guys are really saving my ass.” ned gets comfortable next to peter on the couch, who wants to see how far mj will really go. “aw, we are? i believe that calls for a…” ned catches on. “it comes after please…” mj picks up her camera with gritted teeth. “thank you, morons. say cheese!”

that’s the only warning peter and ned get before they’re blinded with the flash. ned does a toothy grin as he leans into peter’s side. peter musters up the best smile he can, hair a mess and cuts burning pink on his face. satisfied, mj snatches the photograph as it pops out.

“pleasure doing business with you two,” she states, you joining the three of them in the living room. you set the popcorn on the table and give peter his ice pack. he presses it to his cheek, kissing the back of your hand. “send me that!” ned reminds mj, helping himself to your bowl of popcorn. she salutes him.

“there’s my star. what do you say, y/n? wanna take one more really quick?” mj suggests, already holding up her polaroid. you take the other cushion next to peter, your head on his shoulder. “can peter be in it with me? since he’s in the modeling mood tonight.” he wraps an arm tightly around you. “let’s do it, sweetness.”

eagerly jumping in front of you two, mj crouches down to get a better angle. “on the count of three. one, two, three!” the camera clicks, and you surprise peter by laying a smooch on one of his cheeks. he’s holding the ice against his other, genuinely smiling for this picture. ned coos at you, mj showing off her work when it dries.

“how adorable,” she says sarcastically but means it. peter nods at her in appreciation, his lips brushing the side of your head. “what can i say, you’re a pro,” you compliment mj. “come on, em!” ned cheers through a mouthful of popcorn.

tonight was an unexpected and exciting mess, even if your date night did get crashed.

[violentviolette]

hey, dunno how comprehensible this will be, but i've suspected for a long while now that i fit a whole lot of symptoms for npd. the thing is i have no idea if i'm just faking it or exaggerating what i do have to make my mental health as Interesting as i've decided it is if that makes sense. and i don't know how i'd get a definitive answer without approaching a medical professional and idk how the fuck i'd go about that or whether that would even be a good idea with a disorder like this [1/2]

[2/2] you seem pretty chill, and pretty wise about this shit, and i've followed you for a while so thought i'd ask if you have any tips or ideas or just anything that can shed light on the situation cause it's been weighing on my mind for so long that i feel like i gotta do SOMETHING to get me to move on

so first things first, if ur having symptoms to the point that they are disrupting ur life enough that uve begun to look into these things, than reguardless of what it gets labeled, ur clearly struggling with something and therefore not faking or making it up. even when people are initially wrong about what disorder they might have, they're always right about having something. mentally stable and healthy people don't fake mental illnesses. so I can say with a lot of certainty that ur not just faking or exaggerating, even if it turns out u don't have npd.

my personal advice is that since cluster b disorders are in part rooted in trauma, healing from that is never a bad place to start. id argue u can't manage a cluster b pd effectively long term without ever working through that trauma. things like dialectical behavioral therapy (dbt) and other trauma based programs are extremely helpful for this.

here are some links to the two basic/standard dbt workbooks for free download. they're a great place to start and an excellent way to start breaking down the disordered thought processes that guide our pds

https://b-ok.cc/book/2746487/b75746

https://b-ok.cc/book/2476018/68bc0f

this website also has tons of other free books for download that I highly recommend such as

adult children of emotionally immature parents: how to heal from distant, rejecting, or self involved parents

https://b-ok.cc/book/2739029/90a647

why does he do that? inside the minds of angry and controlling men

https://b-ok.cc/book/4512237/eb9bec

those last two seem like they'd be really unrelated but honestly I think theyre super helpful for npd.

as narcs our core issue is that we can't self validate. our sense of value and validation is completely externally generated through other peoples reactions to and opinions of us. the first book does a really good job of teaching u how to do those things and be able to validate urself and create that worth internally when u cant or aren't receiving it externally.

the second book does an excellent job of breaking down the disordered thought processes behind abusive actions. as narcs we have a very difficult time with interpersonal relationships because we struggle with understanding what healthy boundaries and a non self centered view even looks like, which can lead us to perpetuating abusive patterns of behavior even when we don't intend to. this book not only illustrates those patterns but breaks down why we do those actions. where that anger and entitlement and selfishness comes from and how it manifests so that we can recognize that disordered behavior and correct it. (when I say we I don't mean all narcs btw not everyone w npd has problems with anger but I definitely did)

I know thats a lot of reading but honestly ur options for recovery are therapy or a shit ton of reading lol

therapists have done all this reading for u and then package it down for u to be given during relevant moments and helping u relate these concepts to ur life. which is definitely very helpful and even if u dont seek an npd diagnosis just having a therapist to talk to and work these things out with is tremendously helpful

but I understand therapy isn't always an option for people for a variety of reasons and at the end of the day therapists are just people with knowledge and u can absolutely aquire that knowledge for urself if u are dedicated and committed to it.

sorry this got a bit long but hopefully u find some of this stuff as helpful as I did

[dumbassscout]

i see a lot of 13 yr olds on tumblr these days, so id like to share some advice i wish i had known using tumblr at age 13.

this is also probably not an original idea from me lol, someone has got to have done this before. i would usually put this under a cut but ive decided not to for now

be aware that this site is like NOTORIOUSLY harmful. you may think you’re above it or too mature for it to hurt you, but trust me, you aren’t. since you will probably not be stopped by that warning, maybe take some precautions/keep some stuff in mind to stay safe.

i had tumblr savior for my first experiences with the site. im pretty sure it still works and it’s regularly updated, so take a look into that. it blocks posts with certain keywords from being seen on your radar, and can also push/allow posts with other keywords to always be shown. i would advise getting it or a similar extension to custom block triggering/harmful content.

don’t put other/more popular users in your fandom/community on a pedestal. they’re people behind a blog, just like you are. don’t feel intimidated by the people in your own community, they are just people the same way you are a person. they can mess up at times, and so can you.

making friends is a great thing on this site, but keep an eye on new online friends’ behaviors. it is exciting to meet new people, but you want to be aware of toxic friends. same goes for your mutuals. overall, keep people on this site at an arm’s length until you’ve gotten to know them enough personally to know that they’re genuine people. as you get older you can relax on this, but as a young teen it’s better to be hyperaware than to be blissfully ignorant as you get hurt.

onto more broad things, your theme doesn’t have to be perfect. you dont have to make a custom html/edited html website theme for your blog, you can leave it as tumblr default. if you enjoy organizing that, then by all means go ahead! but don’t feel like it is necessary for your blog, most of the time you will get a new theme set up and check on it on a month and find that it actually looks terrible to you. if you’d rather just have it as a basic/default site, then that is perfectly normal.

your blog’s theme/topic is your choice, and can be uniquely you. some people have many blogs for many things, just a few, or just one with everything. it is up to you how you want to do it! the themes you choose, topics, are up to you. fads and trends are cool but finding what works for you personally is way more fun. your blog is supposed to be fun. you are supposed to enjoy using tumblr. don’t compromise that for a trend. make your blog(s) however you want, however it pleases you. it can feel pressuring to have a perfect blog, but it’s better to just make your appearance the way it would make you happy.

also, tag systems are awesome! but they are not necessary unless you’re tagging trigger warnings. always tag those! but i know a lot of people have personal tagging systems to organize their blog, which is totally cool! but again, personal tag systems are not necessary, and if they feel unnecessary to you, don’t use them. but again, tag triggering content, especially if you are asked to.

archiving/deleting/creating new blogs is a whole other process. some people like to start with a clean slate every time they switch to a new fandom, and let their old user be archived or deleted. this is perfectly respectable (and probably the right thing to do) personally, i just switch my blog over to whatever im feeling that month and people can unfollow if they no longer enjoy my blog (i dont have that big of a following on this blog). it’s really a personal decision, and if you want to restart your blog you will know when to/if you want to.

reblog art, but never “repost” it. aka dont take the image and post it on your own blog, just reblog it from the original poster. its common sense but not everyone knows? idk

if you end up having some or many followers, make sure to check yourself. appreciate your followers, respect them. they are people with blogs. just like you. don’t let a high number inflate your ego way out of proportion, it’s easy to fall into that sense of power.

respect people’s pronouns. even if you for some reason have a disagreement with them, or you don’t understand why/how their identity works, just use the correct pronouns that they ask you to. it costs you zero dollars and zero cents, and is incredibly respectful

as a young teen, don’t get involved/let yourself get buried in tumblr-wide discourse. examples of this include the bi vs pan debate, flag discourse etc. most ppl who i know who were attentive to things similar to that at a young age ended up being affected negatively by it. pay some attention to what pertains to you and also pay attention to what you can identify as right or wrong, but don’t let people’s opinions on your dash influence you in times of discourse. go and look at both sides of those kinds of debates if you’re interested, and form an opinion from there.

speaking of which, sometimes people will just post their takes on literally anything and youll come across it. take everything with a grain of salt unless there is links to proof (if applicable, not always needed). sometimes bad takes just havent had someone to reblog and disprove yet.

speaking of discourse, there is always discourse on this site in every fandom, every community. form your own opinions always, but keep your moral compass in mind. don’t compromise your morals and sense of right and wrong to enjoy certain fan-media. if something seems off, it probably is.

people make mistakes, and if someone did something kind of shitty/had a terrible take/belief (not irredemably shitty, those ppl do not need ur attention) and they genuinely apologize for the shit they did and learn from it, move on. leave some shit in the past, holding grudges isnt good for your mental health and people change. but again, always take things with a grain of salt.

you dont need a high follower count to get traction on your posts. it might help, but you can have a low follower count with high interaction or a high follower count with little to know interaction. the best advice i have is to tag what it is relevant to, whether it’s a fandom, aesthetic, etc and people who regularly check those tags will find it.

if you ever get anon hate for some reason, just delete it from ur inbox n move on. ppl who send anon hate want to see you post it and respond to it. if they said some really really MEAN shit though, it may be best to talk to a friend about it for comfort, or take a break from tumblr for a hot min. most importantly, report it, close your ask box/change it to no anonymous asks.

if at some point you choose to voice your opinion about a highly debated topic at the time, be aware that people who disagree might attack you for it. be aware, and be safe about it.

a lot of people swear by xkit. i have never used it in my life, but from the looks of it, it makes using tumblr so much more bearable. it breaks sometimes with tumblr updates, but apparently it’s worth it. again, look into it, but it’s not necessary to use the site.

do niche shit. start sideblogs without a plan in mind. make aus, make art, make writing, or make nothing at all. reblog the things you love wherever you want them to be reblogged. comment on people’s creations if you love them, they probably would love to hear how much you enjoyed it. appreciate how wonderful the better part of this site is, enjoy the free access to view and appreciate others’ creations and ideas.

i would put a lot more on here, but i feel like 20 is probably too much already. if anyone has anything to add, definitely rb with ur addition

overall, do the things you love on here, keep yourself safe, and be respectful of others.

[loudlytransparenttrash]

One of my followers is a lefty, but unlike most left-wingers today, she's an actual liberal. Not the kind that hates conservatives because our ideology is different. But she seems to think that us right-wingers hate black people and the only difference is we're more honest about it than the left. I wanna give her a convincing argument against this notion but I'm not Ben Shapiro or the right-wing equivalent of Jordan Peterson, so what do I say to her, exactly?

Lol you don’t need to be either of them to know that’s simply not true. I think it’s senseless to suggest either side hates black people. I’d love to talk to your follower and find out what reasons she has to believe majority of the country hates blacks considering she believes both sides hates blacks just one is more honest about it than the other. I think she’s confusing the black civil rights leaders who would say the only difference between a liberal and conservative is liberals pose as black’s benefactor while conservatives are more honest about not being blacks’ benefactor. That’s very different to hating black people.

I don’t disagree with the sentiment either, as conservatives openly have no interest in being the benefactors for anyone. Conservatives don’t want us dependent on the government, they’re against creating a socialist welfare state and they’re against creating policies which enforce special treatment to entire groups. They believe in individualism, self-sufficiency and productivity. And this is why they’re considered racists today. They refuse to treat blacks differently and they don’t encourage blacks to be dependent on them, so that clearly must mean they hate black people.

Blacks had always overwhelmingly voted Republican as they once valued family, freedom, independence and personal responsibility. It also helped that Democrats were the party of slavery, KKK, Jim Crow, lynching, segregation and anti-civil rights. Only after the black vote started to count, Democrats rebranded themselves as the sympathizers, defenders and saviors of black Americans, telling blacks they will give them the free ride they are owed, they’ll give them reparations and entitlements and welfare in return for their vote. Unfortunately, they fell for it, and Democrat policies and Democrats elected in black-majority cities have turned out to be disastrous for blacks. 

Racism and “the legacy of slavery” is the go-to explanation for the struggles faced by black Americans, and if only the government righted the historical wrongs of whites and promise to coddle blacks and provide for them, and if only we have Democrat/black leaders (despite having a black Democratic president and largely black administration for eight years), well only then can black people succeed. This is the winning formula for the Democrats hooking the black vote, but what would happen if blacks regained their conservative values and stopped asking what the government can do for them and instead go back to asking what they can do for themselves.

Before blacks latched onto welfare and reparation programs and believed success was owed rather than earned, black high schools were doing better than many other majority-white schools, blacks had higher rates of workers than whites, blacks had a lower rate of teenage unemployment, blacks were rising into professional and other high-level positions at greater rates, the large majority of black couples were married, most black babies were born to married parents, the number of teenage pregnancies had been decreasing, both poverty and dependency were declining and black income was rising at equal rates to white income. There was also far less black crime and less black homicide.

Fast forward to the implementation of Democratic welfare and “we owe you” programs and rewarding single mothers, black workers and black teenage employment decreased in half, less than half of black students graduated from high school in 2005, 75 percent of blacks aren’t married, almost every black baby is born to a single mom and raised by a single parent, teenage pregnancy has accelerated, blacks today commit the overwhelming largest rates of murder and violent crime, in many cities blacks constitute majority of shooters even when they’re a minority and black males between the ages of 14 and 17 commit homicide at ten times the rate of white and Hispanic males of the same age combined. But let me guess, racism is worse today than it was pre-1960? Or the legacy of slavery is more prevalent today than two generations ago?

You may not think black married families is important, but when you consider almost no black married family live in poverty while the large majority of unmarried, single black mother households do live in poverty, it’s probably something we should be treating more seriously. Imagine what could be possible if we took the values blacks once believed in such as marriage, education, nuclear family, high expectations, holding everyone to the same standards, being self-empowered, respect for law, and combined them with the ceaseless rights, opportunities and freedom we enjoy today. It’s never been done and it probably never be will for as long as conservative values are racist and our rights, opportunity and freedom only exist for white guys…

This is the problem with feeding blacks the idea their lives are hopeless, threatened and oppressed. It makes them feel powerless which is great for Democrats as they become black’s only hope to provide for them like wounded pets but it’s proven to be a massive setback for blacks because once you give up your self-determination and independence, productivity and progress can never exist. Black Americans continue to sit at the bottom and in many ways have fallen backwards more today than 50-100 years ago. No group has ever successfully improved their circumstances by clinging to a counterproductive culture that is supposedly “authentic” in the name of group pride or identity. The only way up is to work for it, the excuses and blame have to stop. We have to reach out, forgive and move on. Walking on eggshells out of fear or guilt or throwing money at the problem solves nothing. 

Apart from the myths about oppression and victimization which push more blacks into welfare, crime, broken homes, poverty, drugs and self-destruction, I despise the well-intentioned, sympathetic liberal view on black people. Have you seen the video where young liberals all agree blacks shouldn’t have to hold an ID to vote because most blacks are either too broke or don’t know how to use the internet to find their local DMV? Or that it’s not black people’s fault for being unhealthy because all they can afford is fried chicken or they don’t know how to find healthier places to shop… I sure as hell believe this liberal shit is more offensive than expecting blacks to be held to the same standards, rules and accountability as everyone else. 

It’s also why they vote for affirmative action and racial quotas, rather than wanting blacks to be better educated or be employed based on skill and merit, they rather just lower the bar altogether and admit based on skin color where they will ultimately fail and drop out or come out of college less educated than before holding an expensive degree in Fuck Trump studies. Just look at the black student who was accepted into a top university just for writing lines of ‘black lives matter.’ Professors are told to not correct the spelling of black students as their broken english is their “own language” and now they want to do away with tests altogether as the results discriminate against blacks. 

We can add the bigotry of low expectations to the list of Democrats screwing over black Americans. Ask your follower if she can come up with a list of examples of Republicans or conservatives “hating blacks” that can out-do the left. She might want to leave out the inevitable incarceration rates though as they perfectly match the black homicide and violent crime rates, plus older blacks support the no-sense approach as they’re just as fed up with young blacks terrorizing their neighborhoods and shooting each other daily. She might also want to read up on Black Lives Matter, their violence, agenda and the facts surrounding their founding martyrs before claiming the right unfairly criticizes the movement. And she sure as heck can’t point to pro-lifers as the majority of aborted babies are black, probably not something racists would protest.

None of this not to say the right doesn’t have its racists or major faults, but if they’re as so honestly and openly racist as your follower believes, surely she could prove it? Thanks :) xx

[warmau]

{Special} College!AU Sungjin

sungjin already graduated college, he did his degree in biology and is now in his third year of medical school 

his speciality is surgery

so most of his time is dedicated to his clerkship within one of the city’s hospitals

he’s on rotations, so he really never knows what his schedule is but he knows one thing - he has ZERO free time

the million times jae tried to invite him out for dinner with the guys sungjin was like ‘i havent slept in three days. im living off cold coffee. if i eat a full meal it might just kill me’

jae was like,,,,,suit yourself we’re getting curry

sungjin, in tears: have fun,,,,,,,

when he does get ,,, like time off which is rare - very, very rare

he tries to keep up with his musical hobbies, keep up with his guitar and his singing but it’s really just for his fellow friends who all like music too

when he was in college with them he was part of night6, but when he started med school it was like

THAT dream is over,,,,,,,rip

but he still loves music - he’s like the only student in his year who needs to listen to music when studying otherwise he can’t do it

people are like “how do you concentrate with the lyrics?”

and sungjin just kind of vaguely shrugs and he’s like “i don’t hear them - i listen to the melody.”

“so like instrumentals?”

sungjin, eyes wide: “no. i just FEEL the melody”

he shares an apartment with a close friend of his, jaebum who isn’t in med school but is doing his masters in ancient history

the two of them are worlds apart in terms of their careers, but jaebum comes in handy because he understands latin and a lot of sungjin’s textbook use latin prefixes in medical terminology

so sungjin is just like “how do you say this?” and jaebum pronounces it perfectly and sungjin is just like,,,,,,,,,,,,yeah definitely gonna butcher that one

he likes to keep his space clean - and his room is virtually empty because he has no money or time to decorate it

(although, when he graduated all of night6 pitched in together to get him this really cool guitar stand and set of pics so he has those displays - even if dowoon was like ‘that’s corny’)

weird fact though: he’s very good at building ikea furniture. he’s so good with his hands people are like “OH surgery - no wonder! it fits you so well!”

sungjin always tries to make corny dad jokes about why he’s in surgery but they’re never funny jskhgfds

looks super cute wearing the doctor’s mask, his pristine white lab coat, and carrying around his clipboard

all the scrub nurses think he’s just precious,,,,,,,

he’s really popular with moms LOL (and patients in general)

out of all the people in his rotations, he takes getting scolded and snapped at the best

which is interesting because you look at him and think: big softie, which he is 

but he’s also a natural born leader - who keeps it together just so other fellow med students dont get discouraged

(still internally screams during evaluations week though)

you actually meet sungijn at the hospital where he’s doing his clerkship

you’re currently part of the hospital's senior citizen program, where you volunteer to help out those who might have trouble getting around and making sure they get to their apointments

so when the grandmother you’re taking care of needs to see the surgeon - you’re there with her

it’s a minimally invasive surgery, for her kidney stones and the student on the job is none other than sungjin

when he calls you two from the waiting room, you first notice the absolutely genuine concern in his eyes

he’s not like other med students,,,,,who are cold and almost fatigued or overly bright and peppy

he’s very much like an actual doctor - you’d been fooled if you hadn’t been to other appointments before 

(and plus,,,,,,, he’s wearing his uni’s ID badge)

he goes through the usual pre-surgery questions, you have to help her answer some because she forgets and each time you do

sungjin smiles, thanking you 

it’s weird - but there’s this warmth to him, you immediately feel that there’s something about this guy

something that makes you happy he’s going to be a surgeon one day

a nurse comes in to help him prep for the surgery, and you see how careful and methodical his hands are

and when he’s done he gives you and the grandmother one last tiny bow and tells you the nurse will come back to start the anesthesia with the doctor

when it starts, you leave the surgery room to wait for the grandmother in the hall

it won’t take long, so you settle down with a book you’d brought along when you glance up to see sungjin

“park! do you know where the gloves are - we ran out in this room!” someone calls out and sungjin points down the hall “closet, we just restocked.”

a moment later there’s two other students running up to him, barraging him with questions

sungjin answers them, calm and collected

this goes on for a good fifteen minutes - sungjin doesn’t have anytime to himself to finish his notes or start his next intake

he must be really reliable

you observe, but then stifle a giggle when you see him trip over the side of the receptionists desk

sungjin must have heard you because he looks your way, a little red in his cheeks and you shyly have to drop your gaze back to your book

more times pass and then a nurse tells you you can come in, the surgery went well and you’ll be able to take the grandmother home

you thank her - the surgeon, who leaves the room with a nod your way and then you catch sungjin’s eye again

“everything alright?”

you nod and he smiles in return, “im happy to hear it.”

after that,,,you don’t really visit the surgery ward much

but for some reason sungjin stays on your mind

so when a fellow person in your program asks if you can cover and taken one of their seniors to their surgery appointment - you jump at the opportunity

sungjin is a little shocked, but happy to see you again 

“i assume you’re in the seniors program here, that or you love taking old people to the doctor?”

you laugh a little “im a volunteer there, and while it’s not fun taking them to the doctor - it feels like im doing something good.”

sungjin seems to dwell on that for a moment, “it is something good. you’re a good person.”

you stare at him, softening a little “you are too.”

to anyone else it would have just been small talk, you and sungjin are strangers - but you think in that moment something,,,,something sparks

neither you or sungjin have really heard words like that before,,,,,,

sure you were told “oh! volunteering is so good for a resume!” and sungjin had heard “surgeon? how much money will that rack in?!”

but,,,,just a simple “you’re doing this because you’re a good person” can just mean,,,a lot

and although the first time you visit the surgery ward, right after your volunteering shift ends, the nurses look between you and sungjin

and he’s again a bit shocked

it’s not like,,,weird,,,,,,it’s almost as if this could become a regular thing

you only get to talk for maybe five minutes, till sungjin is pulled back into his work

but ,,,, those five minutes are worth it

and every now and then you leave some snacks with one of the nurses to give to sungjin

and they wink up at you and you’re like no,,, i just,,, i want to make sure he eats he’s my friend

and they’re like “mhmm,,,friend”

sungjin brings it up like “the nurses think we’re having some hospital love affair, like in the dramas”

and you laugh it off that time - even though something stirs in your heart just,,,, just a little

a couple of months pass - summer is coming up which means sungjin’s rotations will come to an end for this semester

you’re a little sad, but your visits with him have been getting more comfortable 

and even though sungjin’s sense of humor is a little dated - you enjoy talking with him 

so when you reach the surgery floor, greeting the receptionist as she already knows you by name

your summertime smile drops when you hear the yell

“sungjin, are you joking me? are you some deadbeat first year? you making a mistake like this is beyond my comprehension - you’ve been here long enough for me to know you’re not an idiot. but this makes you look like an idiot!”

the last word makes you cringe, are -  are doctors allowed to talk like that to students?

but no one even bats an eye, the students just look away and some people look a bit uncomfortable

but that’s it

sungjin is left standing there when the doctor throws the papers back into his hands and storms off, the others following behind him

you watch his large shoulders tense - jerk a bit as he turns and then disappears down the corner

“he might be going to the storage closet, third door down that hall.”

the receptionist whispers and you look at her as she tilts her head

“go cheer up your boyfriend.”

you don’t even correct her, your worry for sungjin overrides it as you take her advice 

when you open the door, the small room is dark and you don’t hear any sounds - but you see the outline of sungjin

he’s just standing beside one of the shelves, quiet and defeated

“sungjin?”

he turns around at the sound of your voice, his shoulders don’t relax but he’s not crying or anything

but then, as your eyes adjust a bit - you see the dark bags under his eyes

his hair is a bit of a mess, not combed and clean like usual

you might be exaggerating, but he looks ,,, he looks really bad today

“what’s going on?”

he puts on his ‘it’s all ok, don’t worry about me’ voice and goes “nothing, i just needed a moment.”

you stare at him, almost thorugh him

“no, something is wrong.”

“you have no grounds saying that, you don’t know me that well.”

ouch

that stings and you step back, sungjin seems to have lost that warmth he’s always had

and it’s just in that moment, because sungjin seems to come ot terms with what he’s said and goes to correct himself 

but you just nod, “you’re right. i don’t,,,,,,,”

you turn around and sungjin lifts his hand, but it falters as you start walking away

until he’s alone there again

you don’t come back to visit the surgery clinic

you don’t even try to think about it, and when a student gets into the elevator with you - you do your best to hide your face

but the hospital buzzes with some rumor about you and sungjin breaking up

“are you not with your boyfriend,,,that cute surgery student???” someone asks in your program 

without much emotion you answer, “he wasn’t my boyfriend, not even my friend really.”

it confuses people - but it dies down fast

you and sungjin,,,,,,,,neither of you steps forward first

and it’s only when you hear that it’s the last week of student rotations for this semester that it really dawns on you

he’s never going to apologize is he? 

he’s probably forgotten all about me,,,,,,

but, just as you’re getting ready to leave for the day - saying goodbye to everyone in your program the elevator dings

you turn, to run and catch it when you see who steps out of it

sungjin, awkward and looking around like a lost puppy spots you

in his hand is a boquet of flowers

he walks closer and you kind of just stand there - frozen

“i,,,,,,” he swallows and adjusts his hold on the flowers “i should have done this before, but i ,,,, i just got busy and i -”

“it’s fine. you said what you said and you were right. you didn’t have to go to the gift shop just to get me these.”

sungjin shakes his head, “i got these on my lunch break from an actual florist. i know you said you liked sunflowers so,,,,,,,but also i wasn’t right.”

he looks down, sighing

“i keep a lot of things inside, so when they come out - they come out harsh. you were someone who,,,who made me feel comfortable enough to open up and then i took it out on you when i knew you were there to help. i,,,,i really can be an idiot.”

he laughs sadly and you feel your heart crack a bit

you take the flowers and smell them, looking back up at him

“you’re not an idiot.”

he opens his mouth and you shake your head

“if you were you wouldn’t have made it this far, people wouldn’t relay on you. but you need to remember that sometimes you need to be taken care of to. you need someone to relay on to.”

he falls silent

but in a gentle shy whisper he asks, “is,,,,,would it be ok if i relied on you then?”

you look down into the flowers to hide the smile tugging at your mouth

“of course.”

sungjin’s phone goes off and it’s a text from the students in his clerkship. he has to get going and just as he turns, you pull him back by the sleeve

he’s already put his mask back up, but you pull it down - pressing your lips to his

“when your rotation ends, let’s go on a date - ok?”

sungjin turns every shade of red in the book but he agrees

your first date is a well deserved curry lunch that sungjin has been waiting for for a LONG time

no like seriously, he almost sobs when he gets to eat it and you’re like sungjin,,, and he’s like im sorry ive been living off stale granola bars and packet ramen 

you let him have some of your curry,,,,he almost eats half of it LOL

afterwords you’re walking through the park, the warm evening weather makes it easy for you guys to just wander

when you hear one of the street performers playing on their guitar

you stop to listen, when sungjin suddenly pulls from your side

you watch, confused as he whispers something into the performers ear and your eyes go wide when the guy hands sungjin his guitar

with a smile, sungjin starts to play the chords to one of your songs that you’d mentioned

he sings along, eyes locked on yours and you feel your heart melt inside your chest

when he finishes the performer goes “you must be engaged or something, he loves you so much!”

and sungjin is like “actually,,,,,,,,,this is our first date”

unfortunately, dates are scarce with sungjin till his summer break kicks in 

but it’s ok, you see him for those five minute chats in the hospital

and one of the nurses goes “i saw those two kissing out in the hospital garden this morning~”

you and sungjin: WHAT

the nurse: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID

the other students are all apparently jealous of your relationship,,,that it’s so lucky you volunteer at the same hospital - that they want love too :(

but you’re like guys,,,,don’t get it wrong sungjin is still in a fully committed relationship with his medical textbooks and clerkship,,,,you’re just a third wheel jokes jokes

but honestly, you don’t even mind it’s cool getting to be like “my boyfriends going to be a surgeon”

also i repeat: he looks freaking CUTE in the lab coat 

you put a sticker on his ID card and even though sungjin loves keeping things clean and professional

he keeps it there,,,,because it’s cute - you’re freaking cute

it’s funny though because someone tells you sungjin has a photo of you two in his locker at the hospital and you’re like no way

and when you ask him he just gets red like,,,huh,,,what,,,,,uh,,,,,

you finally get to meet his friends when the summer breaks around and,,,,,god is it funny

jae is just like “bro i thought you were fake ,,,,, i thought for sure sungjin fever dreamed you up or something”

dowoon and youngk just accept you because they trust you love sungjin - even past his dad jokes

and wonpil has a lot of questions. many questions 

“does sungjin make you play that board game with him,,,surgery! yeah surgery-”

“why would he do that-” sungjin, putting a hand over your mouth “shhh don’t answer him - if you do,,,,the questions will never stop.”

since he’s not up to his ears in work and school, you also get to experience more of sungjin’s musical ability

which shocks you everytime - like you’re just like you could have been a musician,,,,why choose surgery??

but you don’t ask him though, you respect his decisions 

but you do shower him in compliments that makes sungjin all giddy and pink

100% comes over and helps you build furniture if you need him too LOL actually fixed your computer too,,,, he’s like a genius with his hands

(in more ways than one)

im just saying that one night,,,when he’s supposed to be just dropping you off after a date maybe,,,you let him in,,,,you know,,,,and sungjin is so cute he’s really like  “what do you wanna watch on netflix?” and you just pull your shirt off and he’s like OH THATS WHY IM HERE

but he’s also like,,,,he’s not a novice - he knows what he’s doing

you check the marks out in the morning and you’re like woah sungjin, you have more energy then expected

sungjin hiding his face in your pillow “im sorry,,,”

teaches you some guitar when you guys have indoor dates, he puts his hands over yours and everything

his bland, clean room starts showing signs of you

like he has a drawer with some of your things - polaroids of you and him hang up on the wall above his desk

and it’s like,,,sungjin is really happy about it

jaebum even notes that he seems to be more comfortable about himself now that he has you

if you guys just have a moment where it’s quiet, you’re laying on his bed and he’s doing something on his laptop at his desk

you’ll look over and just be like “really?” because your cute, nerdy boyfriend is reading wikipedia articles about some weird medical discoveries - even during his break from school

when he goes back, you’re sad about your time together getting cut

but at the same time you have fun making cute flash cards for sungjin’s exams

and just supporting him again with little visits and snacks

and sungjin is honestly lovestruck at this point - it’s so noticeable and it’s like

he never losses it,,,he falls in love with you everyday all over and over agian

like you just smile at him and god his heart burSTS

jae gets your number just to be like: listen, let’s prank sungjin and say i need surgery

you: that’s mean jae

jae: you and him are a good couple, the no-fun couple -___-

sungjin is definitely a kiss on the forehead person, especially when you can’t do a lot of PDA at the hospital

might secretly have asked night6 to play a song he wrote about you for your first anniversery,,,

you cried - he cried,,,,wonpil literally BALLED his eyes out

you and sungjin ended up comforting him

idk,,you guys just are such good people made for each other accept it ok

day6: jae | wonpil | youngk  by group: bangtan | vixx | got7 | nct | kard | monsta x | seventeen gg specials: amber | momo | irene commissioned: iu | chanyeol | hongseok

[questionairesforme]

Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance? i'm terribly aware of it, sometimes that can make it difficult to find the point in staying alive. i can hardly imagine anyone who's not bothered by this tbh, doesn't it make everything we do sort of pointless?

Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known? i definitely do. i long for something more.

Do you really think there is somebody for everybody? honestly, i don't know. i certainly dont think there is one specific person for everyone but i guess it only makes sense that everybody's got several peopple they feel comfortable with and are a perfect fit. the question is, will they ever meet one of them?

Do you place any value in gender roles? no

Do you have to be related to be family? no, family is so much more than that.

Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? definitely. some even more so.

Are you in love? Do you want to be? i am. i'm not sure if i want to be.

Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation? i find it difficult to see differences between platonic and romantic love, especially when a romantic relationship went on for a while. ig the feelings are mostly the same, you just choose to express them in different ways.

Would you be happy with a life without romance? idk i guess i'd start longing for it eventually.

Are you always going to be a little in love with somebody? yea

Would you change your appearance if you could? hell yes

Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.? i have never thought of it that way but it makes total sense to me

Do you think you’re special, or just another person amongst billions? Can you be both? just another person

Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them? i dont think i ever had any

Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? no

If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? i sometimes do. i imagine its quite reassuring to believe in some greater power and it might make life seem more meaningful

Do you want a grand adventure? yes please but also i'm scared to leave the house

Do you have somebody, whether it be a friend or stranger, who you think you could have loved if the circumstances were different? yes

Is love about convenience or something more? Can it be about both? I DONT KNOW why would u ask that. ig it is mainly about convenience in the end

Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality? nah. does anyone ever really understand?

What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far? idk

Are you afraid of growing old? yea. i don't wanna do that, man

Would you want to live forever? How about for a billion years, a million, a millennium, a century? NO

Do you believe in some form of god/s? no

Are your choices fated or of your own free will? free will. however, i really cant shake the feeling that there is some greater scheme behind all of it

Do you have a hunch about how you’re going to die? oh yes

Do you believe in star signs? nah

How old do you have to be to be considered an adult? id sure like to know

Was your childhood happy? i wouldn't say i was a happy child. too much trauma to deal with.

What are you missing from your life? happiness, purpose.

Have you ever met someone who had a very similar personality to your own? Did you get along? yes. we did get along until she stopped talking to me for no apparent reason.

Do opposites attract? thats a tough one.

Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago? dude i never planned this far ahead

Do you know what you want out of life? no. to be happy, i suppose

What makes a person ‘good’? Are you a ‘good person’? caring for others, having their best interest in mind, being honest

What fundamentally matters do you? honesty, trust, friendship, family, relationships

Is freewill an illusion? dude idk

Do you create art? How do you define art? art is anything you want it to be. i used to create art but i don't anymore

How often do you lie? Is all lying inherently bad? Are you generally truthful? id say im generally truthful as i consider lying to be bad. however, i do lie to protect others (or myself in rather irrelevant situations)

Do you want to be remembered after your death? What for? of course i don't want everyone to immediately forget me, i'd love it if sometimes they thought of me when a certain song comes on

Is true world peace ever possible? not as long as humans exists

Are you free? Will you ever be? Can anyone be truly free? No. I am bound by financial, time and space constraints.

Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? yes, sometimes i do

What do you expect from a friend or partner? honesty, loyalty, communication, being on equal footing, trust

What question could you ask to find out the most about a person? people are not truthful enough for this

Do you justify all your beliefs or have you just inherited/absorbed some? i mean... i do like to have some sort of truth and facts to back up my believes?

Which beliefs do you have that is most likely to be wrong? human beings are inherently good

Can human really understand the complete nature of the universe, space and time? no, under no circumstance

Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing? definitely. why wouldnt we be? what else is there to distract us from our cosmic insignificance and how pointless this life actually is? if we didnt try to escape we would have all committed suicide by now lol. that wouldnt be such a bad thing tho i guess

Are we eventually going to ‘run out’ of new combinations for music, art, language, etc.? Is there a limit to human creativity? no, there will always be partially new elements

Do we live in tumultuous times, or do they just seem so strange because we’re living in them? are times ever not strange and tumultuous

Would you want to meet a clone of yourself? Would you like them? hell nah. i even hate seeing only parts of myself in others lol

How confident are you, really? idk not very confident id say

How consistent is your perception of time? dude dont get me started

What age should people be allowed to vote? Should children and teenagers be allowed to vote? i feel like for teenagers age shouldnt matter, it would be more useful to quiz them to assess whether they understand the power they are given by voting

How do you feel about monogamy? i prefer monogamous relationships.

Can you be in love with someone and still fall in love with someone else? yes

What’s the tragedy of your life? i have been given so much but my mind wont let me appreciate any of it

Would your life make a good play? nah

Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? no

Do you believe in gender equality in every aspect? uh, of course i do?

Do we have a moral obligation to care for others? To what extent? i think we do.

Do you crave approval and/or praise? i guess i do to an extent

Are you ever going to be satisfied? dont think so

When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy? i usually listen to aggressive music to change my mood lol

Is your music organised by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time? by mood

Would you marry a friend if they needed you to (e.g. for citizenship)? yes

Are you a deep person? i'm shallow even though i don't mean to be

Given the chance to live your life on Mars, with no hope of returning to Earth but with the promise of scientific discovery and glory, would you take it? no

Are you who people think you are? no but i am even a mystery onto myself lmao

Do you think you would be happier if you had been born a different gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, nationality or religion? no

What’s your toxic trait? Are you trying to improve yourself and fix it? i can be controlling, i'm trying to be better

Do you anger easily? yes

Are you a jealous person? yea tho usually in non-romantic relationships

If you lost all your memories, would you have the same personality? no?

Given the chance to reset your life (with none of the knowledge you currently have), would you take it? whats the point

Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate? i guess it can be. i have never felt hate like that. only towards ppl i have never met

Do you speak multiple languages? Which do you dream in? What language would you want to learn? i speak english and german. i dream in german, during my time abroad i did start to dream in english occasionally tho lol. if it didnt take any time or effort i would love to learn alll the languages. especially spanish and russian i guess

Do you draw meaning from your dreams, or do you disregard them? usually i overthink them lol

How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately? unconditionally

Is unrequited love real love? sure? feelings do not become real only if they're reciprocated? lol. of course it probably cannot be as profound as the love you feel for someone you've been with for some time

Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you? no

Are you overly analytical? no

Do you ever feel that you are really a terrible person, and only act good out of societal or some other obligation? not really, no

Do you believe in magic? Are you superstitious? i don't believe in magic. i am a little stitious.

[mynlov]

10/22/17

while reading taipei by tao lin (which is really not helping with my growing sense of dissociation. that’s the only thing i know how to call it, although i’m planning on looking up dissociation because i might not be sure what it means and i am probably being dramatic. aoife called it dissociation when i vaguely explained it to her at dinner ytd) i came across a sentence which was very relatable so i thought i should type it up because i feel like it’s a better written version of what i’ve been tiredly writing about for the past three weeks or so in hopes of physicalizing my state of mind.

He wanted to hide by shrinking past zero, through the dot at the end of himself, to a negative size, into an otherworld, where he would find a place– in an enormous city, too large to know itself, or some slowly developing suburb– to be alone and carefully build a life in which he might be able to begin, at some point, to think about what to do about himself.

it’s specific and yet still applies to me in an unsettlingly accurate way. (when i read books i accidentally begin to think/write in the same way that the author writes, which has made me upset for a long time because surely that indicates that i lack originality? oh on a side note that reminds me of when i was on the green lawn in cheltenham by the statue of holst with TM and C, the irish busker, while his friend L played a song by himself. C said that L had a better ear than him and vaguely mentioned that this allowed him to sing more similarly to the original artist. but i was really sure of myself when i replied that having a “less good” musical ear meant that C was more individual when singing, which is true, and that this was a good thing, and since then have felt slightly dubious about my notoriously good musical ear. pretentiously leads on to a potentially extensive discussion about whether ignorance is bliss). mostly it’s unsettling because “he”, paul, does an inordinate amount of drugs which, if i knew enough about drugs, i probably wouldn’t say should have killed him by now, but which is large enough to (not knowing all that much about drugs) make me think that he should have died by now. it’s a lot of drugs. i would never do drugs because i’ve heard stories of 14 yr old kids dying at parties bc somebody put a dodgy drug in their drink. i don’t want to die, obviously, so i think i’ll stick to alcohol. i’m aware of the naïvety of the statement because somebody could easily put something dodgy in my alcoholic drink which makes my argument sort of redundant, and also because you can die of an addiction to alcohol too. but sometimes i’d rather work by principles just for the sake of something like law and order. so i just won’t do drugs. maybe weed if someone offers when i’m like 18 going on 19, which they probably will. but i’ll honestly avoid getting addicted because it seems like such a bleak experience. especially after watching people, places and things. if i’m going to be unhappy then it probably shouldn’t be because of drugs, which could kill me.

i don’t know if i’m just in a good mood but everything (like me being unhappy) seems sort of amusing, like there’s another version of myself, maybe the original version or a younger one, watching from beside me, condescendingly knowing that i’m sort of making it up because i’m tired and dramatic. i know that i’m dramatic and tend to make silly assumptions about my wellbeing, but i don’t think i’m wrong about being unhappy. i also don’t like feeling guilty about being unhappy, when my dad or M constantly ask if i’m ok or tell me to stop stressing out. i’m not a stupid person so if i’m stressing out it tends to be for a good reason. actually, that’s not very true, but i know when i’m not stressing out properly and i make sure it’s known (i think). whenever they ask me if i’m ok or tell me to stop stressing out it’s when i actually am. and i am really stressed about things, but only because i know school is ending soon and i’ll have to leave, and because i’m worried i’ll do badly. i’ve become a lot better than before at analyzing my unhappiness and dismissing it if there’s no logical basis for it, and i know that if it weren’t my last year i wouldn’t worry about not enjoying myself all that much. i also know that if my college education didn’t rely on my performance i would be able to tell myself it’s ok. and i also know that if i didn’t feel like i was disappointing my teachers then none of this would even be that much of a problem for me. (a few weeks ago ID came into L’s and my room and the 3 of us talked until very late even though i wanted to go to sleep early, and i mentioned the fact that i hate feeling like i’ve fallen short of people’s expectations, especially when they’re grownups or people i look up to. ID immediately said “are you an only child?”, to which i replied, “well, yeah” because i sort of/basically am, and she said that that’s common for only children to feel, which made sense in a way that felt like it ought to have been sad but wasn’t really all that sad because it wasn’t surprising.)

being alone is strange now because i keep imagining social interaction and what i would be like if i were having a conversation with somebody i know well and who knows me well. but i can’t tell whether they’d think something was wrong or if everything would be normal. i think it would be normal, because i was with A yesterday and this morning and it was pretty normal. i’m a little quieter than i used to be, but that’s partly because i’ve spent a lot of time wishing i were quieter and wishing that i didn’t need to impulsively fill silences with irrelevant, boring or try-hard things. so i guess i’ve accomplished that, mostly because i no longer feel the need to say those things or do that. it’s made a lot of people ask me if i’m alright and assume that there was something off because of my quietness, which annoyed me for a while because i thought “people aren’t letting me change” when i wanted to “change”. but i don’t mind it now. they don’t do it as much and i’m better at just saying “yeah?” and smiling. or not smiling, if it’s someone like lara, whose attentiveness makes me feel greedy and like i was asking for attentiveness. i hate that.

my fingers are so cold… i have a ridiculous amount of work to do but i think i can do it. i’m feeling a little bit more positive! i wanted to look up dissociation but there’s no free wifi on the flight. i’ve realized something which was bothering me up until now: i keep mentioning my unhappiness. i think this is pretentious and self-indulgent and annoying, but i’m too tired to think of a less annoying way of describing it and i don’t think i’m happy so i won’t do anything about it. hopefully being aware of it will prevent me getting too self-indulgently attached to the idea of being unhappy. also it’s just a way of me describing my dissatisfaction. but i don’t want to say dissatisfaction (even though that came close for a second to being more accurate than unhappiness), because it seems superior and arrogant. it’s dissatisfaction but in a humble way lmao. i wish i had someone to talk to, but i’m not sure i’d know how to say anything satisfactory. hahaha.

i’ve just realized that i’ve put my finger on something that i’ve been thinking about for the loooongest time. i think there is another way (aside from the selfishness symposium lol) of separating people, not that you should but we all do it. and i always vaguely entertained the thought but always found it too complicated and kind of lame to go through with it. but now i did. i think there’s people who have a sort of decreased awareness of things like social interaction and “inner feelings”. then there’s people like L and me, who are the opposite and are aware of their feelings in a way that causes them to talk about it in a certain manner with people they’re close with (for me it’s always sort of sheepish but inevitable). i think that typically “popular” people tend to be the detached ones, to whom if L or i were to say something along the lines of what we usually say to each other about our “inner feelings” or whatever, would either be nice about feeling weirded out or would make some sort of face or something along those lines but would feel weirded out nonetheless (some might not know they’re weirded out but hence why i’m not very good friends with any of those people, bc they’re still weirded out). some people, like M, are amongst the “popular” detached people but are “clever” or “thoughtful” or “intuitive” enough to notice the difference between us and them, and this has caused specifically M, in the past, to come into our room and talk to us and say things like “you guys are so nice” and “i feel like i can really TALK to you” (in 5s). i always sort of sceptically thought, “yeah that’s because we’re normal people” but now i realize we’re just the other type of people. whereas people like J, whom M is friends with, whether out of some sort of desperate pretentiousness or simply their own personality, are the detached type, and are generally more difficult to “really TALK to” because of it. just now i started wondering whether this strange feeling of dissociation (sorry, i keep worrying that it’s not politically correct to refer to myself as dissociating because i’m not mentally ill, which is why i would love to look it up) will last long and 1) if i’ll feel trapped or unhappy because of it and 2) if i’ll start experiencing the laziness that makes you not want to talk about your “inner feelings” ever, and therefore if i’ll make friends with people like that and will be considered “officially popular”. although that’s a bit of a stretch because it doesn’t technically work like that, really i just wondered if i would become one of those people. i’m not sure anymore. it would be weird if i “became” one of those people but was aware of it and inside my mind i were still the other type of person like L. i have a headache. my computer is abt to die.