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yetaeso · 3 years

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i finally finished watching light on me. sorry for being ia, i had some irl stuff going on so i didn't really get to watch many bls in a long time. BUT i did finish this one and oh boy do i have quite a few things to say.

first of all, shin woo. that boy might just be one of the best characters ever written. and he is in all aspects a character worthy of being called a comfort character. and not in a "he is so perfect, i wanna marry him" sort of way. he is far from perfect, which is basically normal and very REAL given the fact that perfect people don't exist. so i really like that they showed him as a very good person with some struggles and traumas that resulted in him not acting all kind and nice at the first glance. i like that realness in the show where a character who is basically gay doesn't go around being "i'm gay", but he also doesn't go around hiding who he truly is. (don't get me wrong, both situations are valid but there are also people who just don't give a fuck about going around denying or confirming their sexuality as if that's something that matters, just let people love each other, gay people don't owe you an explanation). he just chooses not to say anything and not denying means people are gonna spread rumors and he just doesn't care and i absolutely adore that about him. sure, it took a lot of struggle and bullying and wishing he wasn't who he is, so he would now be like "i am who i am and i don't give a heck what you have to say about it". but then again, he is definitely NOT perfect. he isn't very sweet and hostile, he isn't talkative, but he is good. he loves tae so much. he makes him feel so good. he loves his friends to the point he would give up his own happiness to save theirs. we saw how he gave up on tae so da on would be happy. and the things he does for both of them are just so precious. that boy is a very good character and i enjoyed watching him. not to mention that kang yoo seok is an absolute beauty and he rocked this character !!

i don't have much to say about tae kyung. he is a very complex character, definitely not so easy to read. he is a bit weird, different. not necessarily in a bad way, but definitely not a person you can meet whenever. i like that uniqueness about him. he just says and shows what he feels and means and it's a good trait. sure, it can make his feelings get hurt very easy, but he likes to feel everything raw and just move on if it doesn't work or stay there if it does. he has no time to waste. i feel like he wants to feel it all and if it doesn't work, he will be sad for a while, but he won't dwell on it. it's a good character, definitely something we need in the bl representation more.

SHIN DA ON !!! I HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE !!! i hate how easily he became my comfort character the moment i played the first episode. the pure kindness in his heart, the constant need to help and please others because he just wants to be noticed and appreciated SO BAD, but constantly fails to be so. and i blame all that family trauma for it. his parents suck real bad. but, as i said, he too isn't perfect, but while shin woo doesn't want to prove anything and just lives his life how he wants to, on the other hand, da on tries his best to please and make everyone else proud and happy, no matter if it makes him comfortable or not. but you know what they say: you can be so good to someone and they will still break you apart with no mercy. and that's what everyone does to da on. e v e r y o n e , starting from his own parents up to his friends (not considering tae, shin woo, shi woon and mr seo) and up to the girl who claims to love him and all those random people who always asked for all sorts of favors but never appreciated it enough. he tried so hard to fit into that mold other people made and even though he got blisters on his palms and tears behind his eyes and even though his limbs ache from trying to fit in SO BAD, he did it so flawlessly for such a long time, never showing that he actually isn't okay at all. and it absolutely pains me. because his character is a good character who just tried to be liked by everyone, he wanted to prove that he was worth the love and affection and good enough for people to consider him a friend, or a son or a lover. but people just never appreciated it enough. that's why he couldn't be a person tae kyung likes, he couldn't be someone who is not considered likable in a society that he tried so hard to please. and i understand that. being a queer person in this world is very hard on it's own, adding his insecurities and trauma on top of it is even worse. he felt like he couldn't handle it, like it wasn't supposed to be like this. and in that constant need to prove himself to others, he kind of lost the track of his own self. he doesn't know how to love who he truly is, not because he doesn't want it, but because he has no idea who he is. and i think that's something he needs to work on FIRST before getting a lover, before breaking any more hearts. and i adore how he actually ended up changing and figuring that part out at the end. slowly, but he is getting there. i think he understood it eventually, too. that's why he gave up on tae when he saw that things just don't work like that. we miss chances sometimes and as much as it can be painful and as much as we regret them, we can't get them back and da on knows it. he finally knows it. and i'm happy for him, he is finally learning who he is. and my opinion is that he deserves all the happiness in the world. i fell so deeply for him.

i didn't want him to end up with taekyung, not because i thought he wasn't fitting, but because i felt he needed to explore himself more. he deserves love, so much love. and i hope someone will be able to give it to him eventually.

i won't say much about so hee. she is that typical girl in bl dramas that has to ruin something lol. but i'm glad she ended up figuring out her mistakes and that she fixed whatever she could in the end. it shows some kind of growth even though i could never forget what she did to da on. you don't hurt the people you love.

haet bit is a good teacher, a good senior. i adore him so much, he is just a ball of fluff and sunshine. all those things he did for his students and taekyung make me feel so emo. really a senior you could wish for.

and of course i saved best for the last. my precious baby shi woon. one little ironic, funny and caring mf. i fell in love with him in the first episode. he is just so perfectly good and nice to his friends and he has no chill if u dare say shit or do stuff to his friends and i absolutely live for that. he is a huge marshmallow in general but if you dare touch his friends, he will bite your hand off. i like how he just knows everything but choses to stay quiet in some situations and then help in other WHEN it seems fitting enough, he really cares a lot. the scene where he is pretending to barf in front of shin woo and tae flirting still gets me.

overall, this series was a great experience and i really enjoyed it. it wasn't too deep, too smutty or anything like that, but it was very fun and very meaningful and it just showed the real side of being a teenager. i'm not saying all bls should be smutty, deep or stuff like that btw. i'm just saying, it was a package where nothing outdid the other, like kissing scenes weren't better than deepness of it and the other way around. it was a little package and everything was not too much, but just enough. i really really liked it. i give this series a 9/10. it was a great experience and if i have time, i would want to rewatch it. absolutely gorgeous. <3

#bl series #bl couple #bl drama #bl shows #light on me #light on me the series #woo taekyung #noh shinwoo #shin daon #nam goong shi woon #seo haet bit #lee so hee #shinwoo x taekyung #taekyung x daon

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vintagegeekculture · 4 years

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Who are the “Venoms Mob?”

Well, first things first: if you go to China and talk about the 5 Venoms, or the Venoms Mob, they’ll have absolutely no idea who you’re talking about there, because that’s a fandom-term among US Kung Fu cult movie fans.

In Hong Kong, the Venoms are known as director Chang Cheh’s Weapons Expert Troupe, a group of five lifelong friends, martial artists, bodybuilders, exotic weapons experts, and trained acrobats who did at least a dozen movies for manly man Kung Fu director Chang Cheh in the 1970s and 1980s. They were the real deal: they usually choreographed their own fight scenes, which often involved flips and crazy stunts due to their acrobat training, high-wire acts, and unusual and exotic weaponry not typically seen even in martial arts movies. It’s like every single one of them drank the Captain America potion. Their films tended to end in heroic sacrifices, and the Venoms, for all their athleticism and daring, tended to be identifiable people on the bottom end of the societal ladder: homeless drifters, refugees, itinerant hobos, traveling performers, or restaurant workers.

The Venoms were stars in the US, particularly among the black community who love Chinese martial arts movies, not just because of their truly breathtaking skill and choreography, but because they are how most people feel they are, secretly, deep down: rams among sheep. They are the poor, downtrodden, or average person who decides “not to take it anymore” after untold indignities. This is also why the Venoms are especially important to the black community. In fact, if you want to know how much the Venoms mean to their fans, just go up to nearly any Black Dad over 45+ and ask about the “5 Venoms.”

Chang Cheh, Director of the Venoms

The best way to describe the director and writer of the Venoms films, Chang Cheh is that he is basically Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia if he decided to make Gladiator and loved Sergio Leone and Kurasawa.

The director and writer of the Venoms movies, and maybe the most significant name in the history of Kung Fu cinema apart from Bruce Lee, Chang Cheh was towering enough that Quentin Tarantino dedicated Kill Bill Part 2 to Chang Cheh in the closing credits. It would not be inaccurate to say he invented the Kung Fu movie as we know it, with its training montages, mentor-student relationships, all cut with themes of vengeance, noble self-sacrifice, and rebellion of poor and ordinary people against unjust authority.

Chang Cheh’s life story is fascinating. His father was a warlord during the Republican Era between the World Wars, which must have made for an interesting school career day. He started as a film critic and became a screenwriter, then from being a screenwriter, became a director. I wonder if that is the reason that Chang Cheh was so fascinated by themes of masculinity and male bonding, as the arty, openly gay movie critic son of a central Asian warlord had a nearly impossible standard of masculinity to live up to.

The two Western movies that are, thematically, the closest to Chang Cheh are Gladiator and Saving Private Ryan, and if you like both of those movies, you’ll probably like him. His heroes are often James Dean-like angry young men, poor and at the outskirts of society. His movies tend to end in heroic self-sacrifice for a noble cause, and tend to have themes of vengeance, arty blood red slaughter, and a distrust of authority and government of any kind. He loves bloodshed and thinks violence is beautiful; an image that comes up often is someone in an all white outfit that gets covered in blood, an arty view of violence similar to his two biggest influences, Sergio Leone and Kurosawa. Like the Shawshank Redemption, Chang Cheh movies are essentially ensemble pieces about the friendships and close comradely bonds of brotherhood between men. Very few women of any kind have extensive speaking parts in his movies.

Another movie that also summarizes Chang Cheh would be 300. Remember that Sarah Silverman bit where she said that “300 is the answer to the question, how gay is this movie on a scale of 1 to 10?” Not just because it is about an entirely male cast, or about finding fulfillment in noble self-sacrifice and heroism Alamo-style against desperate odds, but also because it’s about glorifying the male body, with tons of abs and pecs. I suppose I should mention here that Chang Cheh’s movies are profoundly homoerotic, and discussion of their homoeroticism is the major way film academics talk about these movies. How many scenes in Cheh’s movies are about dudes hanging out with their shirts off, flexing their muscles? Or about “brothers” who clasp each other on the shoulder while looking longingly into each other’s eyes in a shot-reverse shot? The only meaningful relationship in his movies are male ones. I dislike passing on cheap gossip, but by all accounts it’s actually an open secret in the Hong Kong film industry that Chang Cheh was homosexual and lived with other men.

Yi Kuang -Screenwriter of the Venoms

The screenwriter of nearly all the Venoms movies, much like Chang Cheh, Yi Kuang had an interesting life. He was a Communist Party officer who went to Inner Mongolia, where his primary job was writing death sentences for landlords. Once idealistic, he left disillusioned with the Chinese Communist Party, and a remained a die-hard anticommunist. Evil bureaucrats tend to show up in his stories often for that reason, and a common theme of his scripts is the anger of ordinary people against distant, unapproachable authorities. There’s no understanding Venoms films without their screenwriter. Chang Cheh started as a screenwriter and wrote his movies, but Yi Kuang was his most frequent partner.

Interestingly, Yi Kuang got famous long after for writing a series of supernatural and horror novels called the Mr. Wisely books, where a traditional Chinese medicine expert fights for sites of power charged with Feng Shui. It’s interesting to see his turn to the supernatural, sorcery, and ghosts as an overreaction to his distaste for Marxist materialism. Of all the Venoms films, the one that shows his influence the strongest was the one the Venoms fight an evil human sacrifice devil cult, Masked Avengers.

The Hero – Kuo Chui

A guy with a big smile and a body carved out of marble, Kuo Chui started as a circus acrobat before becoming a stuntman and then a leading actor. He was the Venom with the strongest and most natural screen presence, the one that was the most “movie star.” In fact, he was almost always the hero and central character of Venoms movies, usually playing the most levelheaded and strategic minded of the group.

Kuo Chui deserves some credit also for being the one Venom to actually direct a movie himself, Ninja in the Deadly Trap. This sounds like a heck of a leap, but in Hong Kong, nearly all choreographers also direct their fight scenes. It’s no surprise that a common career path in Hong Kong cinema is to go from choreographer to director (see also Chang Cheh’s ex-choreographers, Tang Chia and 36 Chambers director Liu Chia Liang)

The Bad Guy – Lu Feng

Every single movie, Lu Feng was the heel, the bad guy. I mean, heck, in Shaolin Rescuers, he even played the evil apprentice of the supreme supervillain of the martial arts, Pai Mei! But no matter what, Lu Feng was just so cool that you couldn’t help but root for him just a little bit. He was a character type common in pro wrestling: the arrogant “cool heel,” like Rick Flair and the Horsemen.

The Venoms tended to be workaday regular poor guys, but Lu Feng usually played a rich guy who oozed arrogance and menace, rather like the evil rich football player heel in college movies.

The Funny Guy – Chiang Sheng

A guy who usually played the funny young hero or a wisecracking comedy sidekick prone to wiseassery and pratfalls, Chiang Peng was the Venom who most benefited from the rise of Jackie Chan, and his introduction of silent film era inspired physical comedy into the otherwise stale Kung Fu film. Like Robin Williams, Chiang Shiang was someone who made everyone else laugh, but because he had a lot of darkness inside him, which ended up killing him. Chiang Sheng is the only Venom to not be with us, he drank himself to death after his divorce in 1991. Because of this, there can never really be a full Venoms reunion.

One of the most amazing things about Hong Kong cinema in the 70s is that the actors tended to have scraggly teeth that aren’t perfect and that seemed to be Chang Shieng’s defining trait. To be clear, I am not in any way mocking him for having bad teeth. In fact, I think it is rather winsome and endearing, like a teenager with braces.

The Tough Guy – Lo Meng

Known as the “Shaolin Hercules,” the person I’d compare Lo Meng to is Mr. Worf. Ultra-strong, humorless, intimidating, dead serious and never smiling, he was by far the most muscular and powerful of the Venoms, with tons of machismo and swagger, “big dick energy” as the kids say today. The camera tends to linger on his oiled up biceps and chest in extreme close-up…but was also, usually, the first to die in nearly all of these films. Much like how Worf was the toughest guy ever, but usually got beat up a lot so the writers could show that the situation was serious. In fact, Lo Meng, still in great shape, was in Ip Man 4, where, not one to break with a tradition, he was the first guy to get his ass beat in the film, even in a movie made in the Year of Our Lord 2020.

Lo Meng tends to be the “backup main hero” and was even the main character in films like 2 Champions of Shaolin. He had the most impressive “solo” film career apart from the other Venoms. Like Geri Halliwell, he left the Venoms to do his own thing, which is why the defining trait of the later Venom films is that he wasn’t there.

Lo Meng wasn’t Taiwanese like the other Venoms, and was a native of Hong Kong. In fact, he got his start in the film industry not as a stuntman or muscleman, but as an accountant for the Shaw Brothers studios, and he lifted weights and did Praying Mantis Kung Fu as a hobby. That’s…that’s hilarious. Reminds me of that fake Simpsons movie, Undercover Nerd with Renier Wolfcastle:

The Wild Card – Chun Shieng

Would YOU trust this man? I wouldn’t. He betrayed the Toad!

That’s Chun Shieng for you, the wild card Venom who could “go either way” and so wasn’t an entirely trustworthy ally.

Allow me to correct a misconception I’ve seen in a lot of places: Chun is sometimes known as “the one Korean Venom.” He isn’t Korean but Chinese, but he was trained in Korea and is a Tae Kwon Do expert, unlike the other Venoms, who studied Chinese Kung Fu and Peking Opera. And it certainly shows: he always fights with a kick-heavy Tae Kwon Do style that does not look much like any Kung Fu at all.

#kung fu #martial arts #shaw brothers #70s #5 venoms

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a-fallensoul · 3 years

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Supernatural Ending

The ending was so fucking sad and bad that it got me in tears and angry, it's a half of my life show, I never stopped watching it in 15y and i'm never gonna forget how they helped me during bad times...

This is going to be long...

But, My Jack... That was the ending?... Seriously...? They betrayed us, they didn't give us the boys ending, they give us Chuck's ending (15.04 pay attention to Becky, they even show us parts of those endings in 15.09, No Cass, No Eileen, one or both dies), so nothing of what the boys did in 15y, the sacrifice, all the pain, suffering, hopelessness, the lost ones, nothing of that really matter because in 15.20 they (the writers) let Chuck win, they destroyed 15y of storytelling, erasing Castiel and Eileen from the life of the winchesters and killing one of them... that was just unacceptable...

I love monsters and scary stuff, thats why I started watching Supernatural but somehow the show manage to become something more than that, the narrative change, evolved, and i ended up loving and caring way too much about Dean Winchester, the guy with this huge tragic story arc, i mean I love Sam too, but, the writers made me care too much about Dean and then Castiel appears in the picture and Jack dammit, it was just PERFECT...

They give us a simple show about a journey of two brothers on the road "saving people, hunting things, the family business" that later expanded to more than just two brothers, more than blood family, more than just hunting things...

Dean

Throughout his entire life Dean Winchester saw himself like -destructive, angry and driven by hate- like Cass told him in 15.18, and we saw it too... Since season 01 (01.06) that was a background story, Dean saying that on several occasions and thinking he doesn't deserve good things, the inner struggles, abandonment issues, hopelessness... And no matter what happened, he always saw himself like that ( he even vocalized those words on a few occasions )... other Hunters, friends/family that he truly cares about tried to talk him out of those ideas and he didn't listen. Cass confront him telling him why he's worth saving 04.01 but nothing, Amara (The Darkness) told him and try to help (15.15 they talk about this) failing, even Sam, his brother that he cares too much to even bring the apocalypse just to save him, told him throughout the entire series that he's way more than that, and nothing... no one could make him think otherwise...

Damaged and Broken Dean, a hopeless guy playing with girls and trying to find death in what he does, he is too tired of the job, that life, everything, and this was on 02.09...

Castiel

In S04 an Angel of the lord appears in the show, you know, the one who gripped Dean tight and raised him from perdition, Castiel (and the first to say to Dean what he thinks of himself in his own words 04.01), so with Cass understanding Dean in a personal deep way with just one look of him, showing him that he's worthy to be saved, that he's important, that he matters (a personal issue that both of them shares and I will talk later) created the famous "profound bond" that they share, and that was the beginning of their relationship (in subtext, context, queerbaiting or not), and this relationship made Cass change to even defy God's orders and the other Angels... for them but mostly for Dean, Castiel the “Self-hating Angel of Thursday” - “The one off the line with a crack in his chassis” and the only Castiel of all the other version to do so (exact words in 05.18 and 15.17).

Cass plays a crucial part in the show and in Dean's life, you can see how Cass becomes Dean's rock and vice versa ... But in 15.18 we all saw something way too beautiful and perfect but heartbreaking at the same time...

Destiel going canon

For 12y we saw Dean and Cass becoming more than just friends, their characters grow to support and find each other when they needed the most. This “profound bond” between them was what both needed... the personal issues that both have:

Dean is afraid of being left behind by his loved ones, to be alone, so he pushes people away when he gets scared, because if he shuts them out it hurts less...

Cass loves too much and he's afraid of being unvalued, unloved, that no one would want him to stay so he leaves before he's unwanted...

But Dean needs people to stay by his side no matter what and Cass, he needs to be asked to stay before he believes there's nothing left for him there...

So no matter how much they fight they always end up together and this game that they have show us a lot of hints of their relationship.

There are many declarations between them, sometimes are vocalized others are with less words and more driven by actions but neither are completely direct until...

15.18 the last episode with Cass and the most emotional one, he said to Dean “The good and the bad, you have done it's because of love... you're the most caring man on Earth, you're the most selfless, loving human being I would ever know... I cared about the whole world because of you... You changed me, Dean...” (...) “Why does this sounds like a goodbye?” ask Dean, knowing that something is wrong, and Cass says “Because it is (...) I Love You” to which Dean answers “Don't do this, Cass” trying to stop the goodbye, not wanting for him to leave, not again, not in this moment (that's how I interpreted his words and performance by the atmosphere of the moment, the words, feelings, tears and physical pain on Dean), Cass says “Goodbye Dean” and pushes Dean to a side, making the ultimate sacrifice for the one he love... leaving a bloody handprint on Dean's shoulder (a callback from the first time they meet 04.01 and part of the speech was a answer to Dean's prayer in 15.09) and he's left both touched and stunned over Cass's confession but this soon shifts into pure sadness leaving him in the floor crying not knowing what to do, say or think... Dean doesn't answer to the love confession, he is too shocked, but at least we had one with a reaction...

There's something important to notice here, the line “Daddy's blunt instrument” in that confession was used once in 03.10 from Dean to Dean in a dream, he never spoke of that with anyone, not even Sam for obvious reasons... how Cass knew about that...? In 09.03 we hear Cass saying to Dean how he appreciates their talks and time together... So for Dean, the guy who never opens his heart to anyone, to get Cass as his confidant, is just not nothing... it means something...

Jensen/Dean was scripted to say “I Love You” in 08.17 first and that changed to “I Need You”, they thought it wasn't a good time for Dean or the moment, and we respect it, actually i loved the “I need you” more, because it gave a lot of meaning to the next seasons dialogues between Cass and Dean, even the fights...

Still, this is one of the most beautiful declarations of love that I've ever watched on small or big screen between two men... (or one...) but, Becky was right (15.04), we all knew...

Dean and Cass ending (2 of the 4 main character in the end of the show) left me with a massive hole in my chest, queerbaiting or not, they did share this "profound bond" since they met, the writers play with that throughout 12y and 12 season, they even made Cass a "Last minute Gay" (personally I don't think he is homosexual, He is an angel, therefore, not Human genders are attached, I think he's just Deansexual), they pushed all those feelings and history of 12 seasons to a side in the last episode, like they didn't matter, but they did! for Them and Us... And it was a beautiful but incomplete story to see, Dean and Castiel deserved a chance to be happy..

We saw them, and they are worthy of being seen. At the end, that's what we all want, to be seen by the ones we love and be loved in return...

Cass's Dean

Those last words from Cass, his love for him, meant so much to Dean that finally, at the end, he changed too, Cass changed the way Dean sees himself... Cass's love made Dean overcome what he thought he was, his love made him feel everything he ever wanted...

Since Cass appearance in the show, we saw Dean, a problematic, man-whore, jerk, with no meaningful relationship whatsoever that thought he didn't deserve good things and with a death wish, become something more and way past that, queerbaiting or not he overcame all that at the core of himself, because of Cass... and that's a fact.

Then in 15.19 we got glances on how broken Dean was... the pain of what he just lost... now there's no Cass next to him again, just Sam and Jack, the rest of the world is lone gone and Chuck won... This episode was so good, full of sadness but again Dean being who he is we kinda see him mourning Cass in his own way, just some hints... Dean always turns to drinking when something like this happens, when Lucifer calls Dean posing as Cass he runs to Cass with excitement only to find out it wasn't Cass. Near to the end and after the fight against Chuck, they exchange some word, but one of those stood out from the rest, when Chuck (now former God) asked to them if they're gonna kill him, calling Dean the Ultimate Killer, answering -That's not who I am- implying a massive change in his core self.

Those words right there show us how Dean changed... those words from Cass... Was all that Dean truly needed to believe what he was, what he always has been, The old Dean would have killed Chuck in a heartbeat but not this Dean... not Cass’s Dean...

Dean and Castiel changed each other, they changed the world, and they changed us too...

Sam and Eileen

Sam and Dean share the pain of almost everything that happens in the show but he was emotionally stronger/stable than Dean, so he was fine even when he wasn't... And so it will be...

At S15 and after a few encounters with Eileen in S11 and S12 Sam develops a deep relationship with her until Chuck appears in the picture with his "control over her" thing... and they separated because she thinks she can't be trusted, in 15.18 she's killed by Chuck... Sam is in pain, his new love has died but he manages to stay calm, he's sad but still fighting... in 15.19 he's sad for Eileen, Cass and everyone, they feel defeated but by the end of the episode he completely forgets her... In 15.20 he doesn't even know who she is, so the deep relationship they had is like if it never existed...

The Writers Fuckup

E19 ended and there was no Cass or Eileen, actually in the last minutes of the episode we saw how the narrative made Dean and Sam forget about Cass and Eileen completely by not asking Jack to bring them back too...

E20 the last episode of the show there's like zero recognition of Cass or Eileen, they barely name Cass 2 times, no feelings or reaction attached... Nothing to Cass's love confession or sacrifice, we do not even see them mourning their “best friend” of 12y the one who sacrificed for them and Dean after the confession does nothing (they make Dean completely forget about him, until at the end when he was like, Cass, yes i remember that guy... in heaven with a beautiful side smile)...

We all know Dean and how he is with this type of things and feelings, he's just not good with them, but everytime that Cass has died in the past Dean just loses control, he ends up exploding when it's about Bubu, but not this time and this time was the most personal and important of all. So no reaction from Dean is a completely out of character move and the same for Sam with Eileen...

Season 15 is full of feelings and too much heart, is the final season and we can feel it... in 15.03 Cass break up with Dean with very sad words, and Dean made him feel like that, but we can see the pain of this goodbye on Dean's face and he's just too stubborn to say something... 15.04 we see a glance of what’s to come thanks to Becky, she tried to warn us and we didn't listen... in 15.06-07 Eileen is back with Sam like together Together, 15.08 Dean and Cass got a moment alone with Rowena in Hell while she gives them a couples therapy session, pretty hilarious to see but with a lot of weight for them, in 15.09 they have to go to purgatory, Dean finds himself alone, time is running out and he's on his knees praying to Cass, crying, apologising for everything he did and said, he's desperate to find Cass NOW!. Sam's fighting against God and showing us those possible futures, Eileen saying goodbye, 'cause she doesn't trust herself around the boys... And so much more.

The End came and it felt weird in general, even empty in some parts like, the Winchesters not doing anything to save Cas from the Empty like they have done in the past, the stupid dead of Dean, they took everything from him, they remove the possibility to try a different life like he was trying to (the CV in Dean's desk, he was trying to do more than just hunting, he wanted more from life), Since season 02 after something big happens we see how Dean doesn't want the hunter life, he is tired but he keeps fighting no matter what... They're free of Chucks control and yes, maybe that means that as they're no longer the protagonist of Chucks story, they are gonna have a -normal life with normal people problems- like Garth tells them in 15.10, and probably a normal hunters death, but they are still the last of their kind, -Heroes, like in the old days- words from Fortuna, (Goddess of Luck in 15.11) while she give them The Luck of the Old Heroes something that was completely forgotten in the narrative of the next episode, Jack not bringing Cass back with the rest of the world, Eileen disappearance of Sam's “happy ending”, with Eileen being allegedly alive, Sam does nothing to go and find her... In heaven Baby's plate are KAZ, like WTF with that change, what is the purpose of putting those plate from S01/02 now... and something more weird from this episode is that Dean is almost always the main character but in this episode it's Sam, it was all about Sam's ending, the Roadhouse was from Ellie not Bobby's, what is he doing there and why Dean goes there and not to other place more meaningful for him like to his house with mom, the Bunker, the Barn (i wish)? and last but not least Vampires didn't exist in John's journal/Bestiary he thought they were extinct in 01.20 they talk about that...

A few things weren't so bad, callbacks of the first episodes, the words that Dean and Sam shared, the promise of not resurrecting him back even when neither of them wants for this to happen, the unconditional love between the brothers... Sam having a normal life doing what his brother told him to. Jack fixing heaven creating a special type of Heaven just for Dean, -The Heaven that you DESERVE- Bobby's words in 15.20, Bobby with the eyebrow thing and long pause after saying Cass name to Dean -Well (...) Cass Helped- Dean smiling when he hears Cass name (even in the end they keep throwing us this type of scenes)...

A few good things don't change a bad episode from being bad... overall the episode didn't feel like a Supernatural episode it was hollow out of character and a complete disappointment...

The Queerbaiting

The queerbaiting in this show was in another level, all those continues references about stuff that only LGBT+ people would understand, the inspiration behind Dean Winchester character, other characters recognizing the “boyfriends tag” between Dean and Cass, hints and specific reaction of Dean with other male characters and with Cass pushed in the show too vigorously since 01.04, the long stares between Dean and Cass (i love those), Dean opening his heart mostly to Cass and Cass to Dean, the writers keep throwing girls to Dean and he keeps like.. Hot, she's really hot, okay bye... the famous 08.07 scene, all this and more was deliberately put there...

Remember, these are fictional characters created and directed to say and act in a specific way in the show, so nothing of what we saw in 15y was a mistake or us imagining things where there's nothing to imagine.

After all the character development Dean and Cass had, He was ready to say it in 15.09 and maybe, just maybe, Cass didn't let him talk because of the Empty deal that he had, can you imagine that... Dean was ready...

The signs of Dean being Bi were all over the show, in season 08 Dean developed PTSD for Cass and That scene in 08.07... Dean's confession in 10.16 where he said he -wants to experience things, people, and feelings differently or even for the first time-, Remember when Cass died and Dean was pissed all the time but Cass came back and Dean was so happy and hipeted about it 13.06... and what happened in purgatory 15.09 when he opens his heart to Cass, Dr. Sexy... and there are more of this in 12 seasons...

The Perfect Ending

“The Perfect Ending” just doesn't exist... it would be for it to never end, we just care too much... but if they have to die, well, they can die of old age after helping the new generation and living their lives or something like that... I'm glad that I even got to see what we saw, the boys journey against evil and all the love in between (15.20 wasn't a good episode it didn't feel right i'm gonna salt and burn it most of it...). Supernatural is not a perfect show but the beautiful thing about perfection is that it's imperfect too...

I do Choose to believe in a different ending one with Cass and Eileen in it, why?... Because the boys deserve to enjoy the world and people that they helped to saved, they deserve to be loved... and i refuse to think otherwise... THIS IS FOR MY PEACE OF MIND

#supernatural #destiel #destiel is finally canon #destiel is love #spn #15x20 carry on #i need you #i love you #dean winchester #castiel #sam winchester #spn 15x19 #eileen leahy

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mortuarybees · 5 years

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mr. Bees i sprained my ankle and am bedridden until further notice, please rec me ur fav fics under 8k (that adhd attention span is fun)

I’m so sorry to hear about your ankle!! I’d be happy to rec some fics. i’m only tagging authors if they have their urls listed with the fic! if you want me to add your url, just lmk :). also if my mutuals have posted fics feel free to put them in the replies bc yall have Taste:

salinity and other measurements of brackish water by drawlight / @drawlight - 3.5k - if you haven’t read salinity yet, drop absolutely everything and do it right now because it’s phenomenal and atmospheric and it absolutely aches!!! “It's an odd thing, getting on after the End of the World. Crowley takes to sea-watching.”

quiet light and ad astra (explicit) by drawlight @drawlight - the first clocks in at around 2k and the second at 8k. it’s the shortest and most effective slowburn i have ever read. quiet light is unconfessed love; ad astra is a love confession and first time and they’re beautiful

everything just stops by witching - 4.5k - idk how long you’ve been following me but when i first read it i FULLY had a meltdown and took all of you with me. it’s that “i love you deep, angel” shit “I love your silly aziraphale things” shit! they have the tenderest fucking conversation in literary history while crowley is drunk in a bath it’s wonderful

a culmination of miracles by prettydizzeed / @genderqueercrowley - 1.3k - an absolutely beautifully written fic about crowley having chronic pain and informing aziraphale about it six thousand years later

i keep a window for you (it’s always open) by prettydizzeed / @genderqueercrowley - 2.4k - a complete fkcing war crime of a fic of crowley getting emotional about romeo and juliet and continuing to be emotional about it for centuries and then, even worse, quoting r+j in a love confession.

such surpassing brightness by handful_of_silence - 7.7k - one of my favorite fics of all time! aziraphale is the patron of queer people and has been for thousands of years! fuck!

it’s the light (it’s the obstacle that casts it) by handful_of_silence - 5.7k - “The Patron Saint of London's LGBT Community is real, and he lives in Soho.” aziraphale and crowley speak polari. literally so up my alley i melted when i saw it

your hair was long when we first met by aziraphvle / @aziraphvle - 1.4k - crowley asks aziraphale to cut his hair and we are taken on a thousand-word journey about how aziraphale loves his hair and loves him and it’s. a whole lot. bringing samson by regina spektor into it was entirely uncalled for. again i am Weak for aziraphale loving and caring for crowley.

and then i will kneel down (explicit) - 5.4k - f. fleabag omens. it’s the confession scene but it’s aziraphale and crowley. it is More than you could ever possibly imagine

hard feelings/loveless by witching - 2.3k - "Aziraphale said it was like the opposite of the feeling you’re having when you say things like “this feels spooky.” Crowley didn’t know what to make of that, but he expected it was something like the opposite of the feeling you get when the only person who truly knows you makes a cryptic remark suggesting that you can’t understand love. Crowley understood love all too well.”

the saddest part of my day by witching - 3k - "crowley is preparing to leave on a demonic assignment, and he's very nervous about leaving aziraphale in charge in his absence.” they have a very open and honest and loving and very adult conversation about their feelings and tbh? That’s My Kink

summer and his pleasures by witching (explicit) - 7.2k - “absence makes the heart grow fonder, and crowley and aziraphale’s hearts were plenty fond to begin with. a story told through phone calls while they are separated for work-related reasons.”

penance by blissymbolics / @blissymbolics (explicit) - 5.9k - praise kink/crowley finally gets off after six thousand years of trying

like a prayer for which no words exist by lipsstainedbloodred - 8.1k - “In which Crowley and Aziraphale do not dine at the Ritz after that nasty business with Heaven and Hell, and Crowley has an existential crisis instead.”

men have gone to heaven for smaller things than that by mercuryhatter - 713 words - Robbie Ross’ funeral. “Aziraphale finds an age slipping away from him.”

where you stay i will stay by mercuryhatter - 866 words - men at the Hundred Guineas Club went by women’s names. aziraphale chose naomi and paid to keep the name ruth available in case crowley woke up. aaaaa

the hour/the spot/the look/the words by planethunter - 2.5k - “Crowley watches Pride and Prejudice (2005) and it spurs a realisation.” you can imagine what a trial it is to read p+p 2005 being brought into good omens but life is nothing but suffering apparently, i’ve learned that this summer through this fandom

and the punchline to the joke is asking SOMEONE SAVE US by princex_N / @princex-n - 5.8k - “The fact of the matter is that Crowley was the first bitter cripple to limp across the face of this planet. It's been 6000 years and things don't seem to have gotten much better.”

birds of a feather by idiopathicsmile - 3.6k - idiopathicsmile of world ain’t ready fame. if your life can be divided into Before Les Mis and After Les Mis, you understand. “Aziraphale nests. Crowley relearns some crucial facts about angelic courtship rituals.”

covet by mirawonderfulstar / @mirawonderfulstar - 2.4k - “Aziraphale, little good though it did him, wanted desperately. He wanted with an urgency that scared him. He wanted wine, and cocoa, and the occasional tea. He wanted gravlax with dill sauce, and Pappardelle Bolognese, and those awful little iced biscuits they had at Tesco at Christmastime. He wanted dinners at the Ritz and long walks in the park and late nights in the back room of his shop. He wanted Crowley. Fervently, achingly, he wanted Crowley.”

indellible by greased_lightning_rod / @aziraphallist (explicit) - “It turns out glitter is miracle-proof and, also, that it itches. Crowley needs some help preening. He gets a bit more than he bargained for.” Wing kink. yall know i’m weak for aziraphale taking care of crowley sue me

get religion quick (cause you’re looking divine) by brinnanza - 4.2k - “So it was fine. Even if Crowley couldn’t love him, he clearly liked him well enough, and that was almost the same thing. It no doubt would have continued to be fine, or at least fine-adjacent, were it not for a narrowly averted apocalypse and several bottles of a really quite nice Riesling Aziraphale had found in the back room of his newly restored bookshop.”

the nuances of “together” by mirawonderfulstar @mirawonderfulstar 2.8k - “Everybody in the whole world can tell Aziraphale and Crowley are a couple. Everyone except, apparently, Crowley.”

listen (he’s already told you five times) by darcylindbergh / @forineffablereasons - 1.8k - “Not everything Crowley says is said out loud. Aziraphale doesn't always hear him at first, but he's learning to stop being surprised.” Love!!! Languages!

sudden and surprising moments of overwhelming affection by darcylindbergh @forineffablereasons - 2.7k - “Aziraphale has not shut up in thirty-four minutes. Crowley’s been counting.” O More I Love Your Silly Aziraphale Things Shit. if you’re a neurotic talkative gay and insecure about it that particular genre of good omens fic is ruinous.

things truly terrible by darcylindbergh / @forineffablereasons - 1.2k - “Crowley has said some truly terrible things over the years, but this was the worst.” tooth-rotting-sweet love song-fueled confession.

tell me all the ways by tinsnip - 1.6k - “Crowley was out in the garden. Aziraphale was in his study, most definitely not looking out the window. Really. Really. One little speck of sentiment: was it so much to ask?” More! Love! Languages!

a name for earth by regencysnuffboxes - 1.1k - “Demons can’t say holy names, and Aziraphael accommodates his new friend accordingly.”

a home at the beginning of the world by stereobone / @stereobone - 5.8k - crowley just kind of. moves in with aziraphale. Meaningful Interior Decorating! Couch Metaphor! yall know what i’m weak for

#i hope you're back on your feet soon!#and i hope these keep you occupied until then :)#henry speaks #good omens #fic rec #caniwritemywayout

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odyssiaca · 4 years

Text

i said i was gonna do it, so here i am! i am writing this on the fly, making it up as i go along so who knows how long it will be! who knows.

i have finally played every route in fe3h, including the dlc- currently im making my way through the new game+ and screaming because this is my life now apparently. this isn’t really a deep and meaningful essay just... my experience playing the game and all the routes.

( pls note i played on casual and normal for my original playthrough because i am a wimp. for ng+ im still playing casual but this time im playing on hard. )

this is the order in which i played the routes + dlc: verdant wind, azure moon, cindered shadows, silver snow and crimson flower.

right! so!! let’s start!

White Clouds: the first twelve chapters are obviously pretty same-y, which is fine, except when you’re playing 4 times in a row. i liked the fact that the goddess tower was unique for every route and character you were trying to get s support with. there were some unique aspects to the different house, ie. judith, arundel, rodrigue, finding out about dimitri and edelgard. but other than that i did get pretty bored when it came around to doing it... again. and idk just, like i said the reveals obviously weren’t as shocking the 4 time around but like, they were still enjoyable, which is good at least!

Verdant Wind: this route is... eh. it’s the first one i did because dear god i am in love with claude. the route in and of itself is probably one of the weakest ngl. there were things that didn’t make sense in the context of the route and unlike azure moon and crimson flower it didn’t feel unique (given that this route and silver snow are.... IDENTICAL. except the final bosses) the final boss was dope and i am obsessed with God Shattering Star, but other than that? meh. i liked it at first because it was my first one and yknow, claude. but now it’s just idk, it’s lacking. and i’m gonna be honest: i don’t like most of the class. i like claude, hilda, marianne and lysithea. that is it. the others are just overbearing or kinda boring. lorenz i just, i can’t get over his design, i know he’s a deep character but i dislike most of his c supports, i hate his hair and the way he talks. ignatz and raphael are forgettable. i know they’re also very deep characters but their surface levels make me not want to go into their characters. and just. fuck leonie, i’m sorry i just cannot handle her. she’s overbearing, annoying, thinks that because jeralt trained her she’s better than everyone??? GOD. her supports with hilda are cute, and i like her post-timeskip design but otherwise she’s one of my least favourite characters in the game. im sorry. (edit: okay im revising this because it was late at night and perhaps i was a bit harsh. i dont actually mind the characters i mentioned that much, in fact they can be quite funny, however, i still prefer characters from the other houses more.) so my verdict of this route is that i did enjoy it, i liked the cutscenes and the timeskip designs but it’s still only my second favourite. 8/10.

Azure Moon: look. i’m just saying, this route? is the best. hands down, it’s absolutely amazing. it has it’s flaws, and it’s very different from the other routes and is also very much the most fire emblem like route but that’s okay. this route is devastating, heartbreaking, really fucking sad. and that just draws me in. when i first did the route i was gonna marry mercedes because i am gay and love her but the character of dimitri is just so incredibly well done- before and after the timeskip. i like the fact that there’s essence behind his character, meaning. i actually found this route to be kinda hard in places (cornelia for example and also edelgard) and it’s also very unique. i like the way the two factions of faerghus and adrestia interact, and also the way the alliance is just dragged into it. ( claude doesn’t die which is good!!!!) in the other routes you only really see dimitri as this crazed character but in azure moon you find out WHY and yes, that is good. the characters are all very unique and i like them all they all have their own stories and characteristics that make them as unique at the route. the cutscenes and stills are, beautifully done and truly heartbreaking. and just. AH. i adore this route more than i have any right to, on the whole it’s my favourite. 10/10.

Cindered Shadows: this isn’t really a route, but that’s okay, im sure you guys don’t mind. i love the ashen wolves, they’re amazing. the story is... weak. because it doesn’t fit into the actual plot at all and that annoys me. aelfric is a character i dislike immensely but maybe that was the point? i find the explanations in the route to be its downfall, because it clashes with what we already know in the game. sitri is pretty and im glad we get a tiny bit more byleth and sitri backstory but otherwise the characters and abyss are it’s saving grace. 6/10.

Silver Snow: im gonna go ahead and say it: fuck this route. it’s verdant wind but with seteth instead of claude. it’s verdant wind but bad and boring. it’s dull and unnecessary. i had really high hopes for this route because it’s the church! i dont like the church but a route with them could be very interesting! it was not! it lacked personality, it lacked uniqueness. i don’t particularly like most of the characters and basically just used the students and fuuuuuck the final boss. the only reason i did this route was because i wanted to romance yuri but also edelgard. 2/10 would not play again.

Crimson Flower: ... ... ... WHERE ARE THE CUTSCENES!!!! where is the reunion scene between byleth and edelgard, why is it all stills!!!!!! WHY IS IT SHORTER THAN THE OTHERS!!!! WHY. the story in this route is actually very interesting, and well thought out. but the aforementioned points are what make me want to ram my head into a wall. idk why they thought to give silver snow cutscenes and not this route but it was stupid. i do like the way the portrayed the church and rhea though. as the villains they technically are. i like the characters a lot, they’re all great, and i love the angst!!! the way you get to choose if you want to spare or kill your children whom you love. ( i spared claude and lysithea because i am weak. ) but its just. the vibe of the route is ruined by the lack of cutscenes and thats dumb ik but it is what it is. and also it did NOT need to be shorter, there was no reason for it to be as short as it was. 5/10.

so in order we have:

Azure Moon

Verdant Wind

Cindered Shadows

Crimson Flower

Silver Snow

i enjoyed the game a lot, the writing was beautiful and the characterization was also really good. but some of the characters and routes were just. weak. very very weak.

idk what else to say so imma leave it here i guess!! pls feel free to debate with me, i’d like that a lot.

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shemakesmusic-uk · 3 years

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This segment features artists who have submitted their tracks/videos to She Makes Music. If you would like to be featured here then please send an e-mail to [email protected]. We look forward to hearing from you!

Emily Kate

Toronto-based recording artist, Emily Kate perfectly bridges the gap between country and pop with her unique sound and lyrical storytelling. Pulling from real life experiences, her music conveys relatable thoughtful messages weaved with fresh, soulful melodies. Her meaning filled lyrics coupled with her warm sound is often described as Kelsea Ballerini meets a motivational speaker. She has just released her new EP All In. “These songs have taught me how to love myself, feel inspired, chase my dreams, have fun and grow as a person,” says Emily. “They've been my reminder and helped me through heartbreaks, insecurities, and now they get to be yours. All In features a track which I wrote the morning after a fun night out. This upbeat song is about going out with friends and meeting someone who takes your breath away. Its lyrics are a twist on the common saying, you had me at hello, and instead, this song is about someone having you ‘The Whole Time.’” Listen below.

Emily Kate · The Whole Time

Jordana Talsky

Jordana Talsky is a singer-songwriter and vocal looper who fuses multi-genre influences into her own sound. She accompanies herself by voice with a Roland Boss RC505 loop station. Her ethos is to incorporate digital means into live performance in an organic way, and with the loop machine, she creates a choir on the spot with no pre-recorded parts. Her new single ‘Oh Yeah,’ represents a moment of awakening, like when you remember something you had forgotten about a dream that all of a sudden comes back in a flash, a moment to stand outside of yourself and contemplate, embrace, and inquire of your life. “It takes work, all the time, to choose not to look away and to be honest with ourselves,” says Jordana. “These moments, delicate and challenging, are insights into our authentic selves, that may offer a fresh vantage point from which we can choose to heal and evolve. Inspirational, fun and harmony-rich indie-pop, ‘Oh Yeah’ is about listening to your inner voice and taking faith in the spark you uncovered deep within you.” Listen below.

Jordana Talsky · Oh Yeah

Nimkish

To fully immerse in the multitudes of rising queer Indigenous star, Nimkish, is to honour the past, look ahead to the future, and bask in the resplendent present all at once. The Vancouver-based artist is fearless in her lyricism, confronting anti-Indigenous racism and colonial violence alongside other hard subjects like anxiety, grief and heartache. To the great tradition of singer-songwriters healing through their music, Nimkish brings a bright-eyed aim to flourish in all she has experienced. Nimkish’s lyrics give affirmation to past pain while living in the moment. To some it may sound like escapism, to others it may sound like moxie-driven R&B-pop pulsing through the club. What’s certain is her fortitude — she’s on a mission, combining the coolness and creativity of the TikTok generation with the lucidity and confidence of a grown woman. Nimkish’s anthemic new single, ‘YSB,’ features ASCXNSION and is about the need for healing, freedom, and to be heard. "’YSB’ is about the need for healing, freedom, and to be heard,” explains Nimkish. “Are you listening? Do you hear me? Am I screaming out into nothing? This song is about feeling like you can't get ahead, and specific issues that we as Indigenous women work through on a daily basis. Our generation has been left to deal with trauma and we are continually fighting for equity. It can feel exhausting to constantly try to be truly heard. I wanted to go deeper on this project and write about real shit. What we have created is anthemic, resilient, and confrontational, despite the vulnerability that it took to write about our lived experiences. This release is about showcasing Indigenous excellence and the need to amplify our voices. Our time is now – the future is Indigenous.” Listen below.

NIMKISH · YSB (feat. ASCXNSION)

Tana

Tana is an artist, writer and a topliner with charge and a unique flair for lyrics and melody. Her rich and diverse views on gay culture, have strongly influenced her musical and personal journey. Tana’s music is unapologetic, revolutionary, and liberating. At heart, Tana is a true artist, and is inspired by many things around her - people, sexuality, her heritage (being half Italian and Nigerian), the city she grew up in, and the LGBT community. She places diversity at heart and aims to make music that relates to the masses, whilst pushing her creativity at all times. Her array of influences create new ideas and sounds that break traditional boundaries. Think Halsey & The Weekend. She has just released her new single ‘Bad Habits (Keep On Coming)’. Tana says of the track: “I wrote ‘Bad Habits (Keep On Coming)’ over lockdown, and it’s about wanting to grow from a toxic relationship. I found myself holding onto flaws and limitations that really effected my personal growth, and writing about it helped me recognise these issues and learn from this experience.” Listen below.

Love Crumbs

Love Crumbs is a folk-rock and Americana group based in Massachusetts. Known for blending poignant lyrics with evocative vocal storytelling, their nostalgic, timeless, heart-on-sleeve sound harkens to a bygone era. They have just released their new single ‘Ellipses’. “The track is about trying to connect with someone and not being able to despite the best of intentions,” says Mike. “It's about the things that aren't said or are left unsaid. It's about a meaningful relationship that ended kind of suddenly. The person was typing to me (as evidenced by the "...") but I never got to hear their response. Closure isn't something that someone gives us, in the end. It's something that we have to come to on our own. The sonic influences for me on this track, probably in particular the chord changes in the verses are Neil Young, the pre-chorus Tom Waits. I wanted to stack Ali's vocals because it has an unreal sound (not occurring naturally, similar to Royals by Lorde) that can work in the right context.” Listen below.

Love Crumbs · Ellipses

Anniee

Anniee is an electronic artist and theatre composer based in Montclair, NJ just outside NYC. As a vocalist she has performed in a variety of styles and genres. Recently she has turned her attention to producing synthwave and retrowave tracks with modern and minimalist vibes. She has just released her new track 'Lonely Wolves'. "'Lonely Wolves' is moody and driving, with retro vibes and a modern sensibility—an intense journey exploring breakdown in relationship," says Anniee. Listen below.

Anniee · Lonely Wolves

Leah Rose

Emerging pop songwriter and producer Leah Rose has released her debut single ‘Goodnight’. The melancholic hue of ‘Goodnight’ arises from the sentimentality of a writer reflecting on a landscape they no longer exist in. The song was written and recorded in lockdown and is a prime example of how an artists’ time in isolation can result in the inevitable dissection of their past. Sonically, ‘Goodnight’ was inspired by artists such as Lorde, The Weeknd and Charli XCX. Leah Rose is a Cork-born artist who has spent the last 5 years based in Dublin. She spent much of that time honing her craft, finding inspiration in lyricists such as Alex Turner and Lana Del Rey. Strong imagery and colour play a huge role in Leah’s songwriting. Growing up with artists for parents meant that Leah was exposed to a range of visual art forms at a young age. She strives to create art not only through music but through her artwork, photography and overall visual aesthetic. “I see my songwriting style as atmospheric and somewhat abstract,” she says. “I love being able to use music as a tool to materialise the things I see in my mind. So when I write a song I try to place the listener right in the centre of my memories and daydreams”. Listen to ‘Goodnight’ below.

Leah Rose · Goodnight

Felyce

Felyce's alt-pop root influences shine through on her shuffling and atmospheric alternative Pop/R&B new single ‘Skin’. The Paris-based singer-songwriter Felyce shares the struggle she faced accepting the color of her skin while growing in France. Getting away from slow tempos, ‘Skin’ offers an energetic but still dark ambiance. Felyce wrote and performed ‘Skin’ and she worked with professional arranger Nicolas Lassus to make the song what it is now. She said in statement: "I wrote 'Skin' thinking about that beautiful story I heard once. A young black girl wondered why her skin was so dark and her mother told her the reason was because the sun loved her too much. That story really stuck with me". Born and raised in Paris, she spent most of her time between stage performances and school until high school when she put most of her focus on studying while writing her first full songs on the side. Felyce graduated from university in 2016 before starting a short career in HR but she realized that music was the only career for her and began learning production the next year while working on her debut EP Fear which dropped in 2018. She's been steadily releasing singles and crafting her sound since; embracing her formative influences, including British pop music acts like Sam Smith, Robbie Williams, Birdy, and American pop acts such as Lana Del Rey or Banks. Listen to ‘Skin’ below.

Kenzie Webley

Kenzie Webley has been writing songs since she was 13 years old but only started recording last year just before lockdown. Her new single 'Loveable' is out now to coincide with her finishing her A levels. Her debut album is almost finished and she already has the songs written for her second album! 'Loveable' tells the story of a couple arguing in public after a night out. It's from the perspective of someone who recognises their own culpability in the events. Listen below.

URARTA

URARTA’s new EP consists of four tracks centred around the issues of standing up for yourself and others, respecting the planet’s boundaries and looking out for your own. Musically, the band has its heart in punk, but simultaneously flirts with genres such as post punk, alt-rock, noise, Goth and indie. The lyrics are in English and in the dialect of Skåne –the southern part of Sweden where the band also has its geographical base. URARTA consists of Monica Richter (vocals), Ketty Hagmann (bass) and Tove Lorentz (drums). Listen to the song ‘D.I.Y’ below.

Vol 2: Vi Fick Fel Adress by Ursäkta Röran

#submission saturday #emily kate #jordana talsky #nimkish #tana #loe crumbs #anniee #leah rose #felyce #kenzie webley #urarta

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notthefilmreview · 4 years

Text

Falling in love with Aster Flores in 1hr and 45m (aka watching THE HALF OF IT)

Hi, it’s Dana and today I’m going to be reviewing THE HALF OF IT!

I am so excited; I have been waiting for this movie since the trailer first came out weeks ago so it’s safe to say that my expectations are high and I truly hope that this will be rememorable.

I also did a reaction to the trailer of THE HALF OF IT so if you haven’t seen that the link is here.

I think that’s all I really have to say so read on to see my reaction to THE HALF OF IT...

This is just a lovely way to start a movie and I have noticed that a lot of movies do that. I personally really like the simplicity of adding a meaningful quote at the beginning of a movie (especially if it’s actually corely related, not just added for the sake of adding it) because it gives it that book-like, nostalgic feeling.

In the first few seconds of the movie we already have that idea of soulmates explained in some really creative animation and lovely narration. What I’m thinking is that obviously alluding to that connection between Aster and Ellie being almost soulmate-like.

And here we have Ellie who is scientific and rational and doesn’t believe in soulmates. Oh, she is going to find that everything she has once believed in is going to be proved so so wrong once she meets Aster and I just can’t wait!!!!

Ellie’s mum. We don’t know what has happened to her yet. Is she dead? Has she left? Is she missing? Was there an accident? But what we do know is that she is the reason why Ellie has closed herself off from other people and believes that love is irrational and meaningless. Therefore, for Ellie to truly accept her feelings for Aster she’ll have to face her mum and I am not ready for this; this is going to most likely be such an emotional part of the movie and I will definitely be crying my eyes out as I attempt to write up this review.

Also, Ellie has a lot of checklists and I feel that vibe because that is pretty much my whole entire life.

Mr Flores? As in Astra Flores?

I think the music teacher might be Aster’s dad and I feel like that’s going to relate in someway. I don’t *exactly* know how - yet - but I will ponder on it throughout the review.

So Aster is also in her dad’s class and she has such a beautiful voice, seriously, listen to it; she sounds like an actual angel and she makes it look so effortless. I understand why everyone likes her so much because even I want to marry her!

I think that Ellie has a crush on her even before she meets her in the corridor and that’s quite cool considering that the trailer made it look as though she gained a love at first sight crush on her (which she obviously doesn’t believe in).

Ellie’s philosophy teacher, who is quite close to her, knows about her essay writing business but never actually turns her in. This was a question I had during my trailer review because I was wondering how none of the teachers have noticed (or they were all just blind).

Another question about the essay business I had was how she manages to get away with writing around the same essays for everyone. However, it turns out that Ellie writes different essays for everyone and that is just amazing.

Also, Ellie was talking about leaving or staying for university so I think that’s also going to be a big thing. I hope that she ends up leaving at the end for her own sake.

Wow, okay, was it just me or did you feel that sexual tension too?

Because that just took my breath away and just made me love Aster even more. I didn’t even know that I could love her more but just watching her talk to Ellie was so beautiful and I just love her. Wow.

She’s so smart and so knowledgable about everything. I just want her to talk to me for hours and hours about anything that comes to her mind.

Aster also has known Ellie for some time which was a surprise because from the trailer I thought that they only met there for the first time. Hmmmm...maybe Aster also has feelings for Ellie????

I’m sensing a theme. Almost feels like a philosophy essay on love...maybe.

Everyone seems to be hanging out in the church which is quite different, I guess.

Aw, Aster is insecure about being at the peak of popularity and she’s being extremely honest about this to someone she’s only just met. This really shows that even through Ellie’s writing, Aster can tell that the person who’s writing this is genuine and someone she can trust to open up to.

(Also, she should drop her friends and find other people who don’t try to boost their own ego by bringing you down to their level. You are above them. Aster! They are nothing like you, honey!)

But her boyfriend’s quite funny and cute (in like a puppy kind of way). I know we’re meant to not like him because he’s getting in the way of Aster and Ellie but if they just break up I feel like he’ll just be a bit of a cool guy. I love how he has taco time with his girlfriend because that’s just too cute (and also makes me quite hungry).

This.

Oh my, this is just beautiful.

They created art together from a bunch of lines that just so happened to get together.

Wow.

They are goals.

...this, on the other hand, is anything but.

I feel so bad for Aster being letter-fished (y’know, like catfished?) like that. She just wants someone who understands her at that deep sort of level; someone she can talk to about philosophy and art and literature; she needs Ellie (or me because I love books, abstract art, and philosophy too - hit me up, Aster!)

Omg, guys, is Aster Flores my soulmate?

She laughs at horror films! I laugh at horror films! I have seriously never met anyone else who’s crazy enough to laugh at horror films apart from Aster and I am astonished.

Why is she perfect in every way for me?????

However, I do find it extremely creepy how they’re basically stalking Aster and learning everything about her, writing every detail on whiteboards, windows, and notebooks.

I just love the contrast between Paul’s energetic, lively, and chaotic family contrasting with Ellie’s small and quiet home atmosphere.

What’s a taco sausage? A taco with sausage pieces? A hotdog but with a taco shell instead of a bun? A taco shell in the shape of a sausage?

It turns out that Ellie’s mum died when she was quite young.

Paul ends up finding out about Ellie’s crush on Aster quite early on. Actually, everything in this movie happens quite early on which I like because it just gets to the point of the plot without beating around the bush, constantly keeping the audience on their toes. I just love this movie so much.

What I also love is how Paul doesn’t go “you’re gay????” with all those question marks. It’s just normalised without questioning the gender of who she loves; just the person. Paul is actually just a cinammon roll at heart and he does deserve to find love but not with Aster (and I hope he learns that).

I’d probably eat that.

Hmmmm I’m thinking that this might be a bit of foreshadowing for the ending. I predict that Ellie leaves Squahamish and as the train is leaving, Aster (or maybe even Paul because I can’t see Aster running after trains) runs after her to say goodbye.

Hearing them eat those taco sausages has actually made me quite hungry.

Awwwwwww look at this boy; he is too cute to handle; he deserves so much love.

Ellie’s song - oh my. Can you just imagine her having a duet with Aster singing this song? And the fact that everyone claps is just beautiful.

Just no. Please, no. Please, stop, you’re only hurting yourself here. She has a name, please use it.

Also, Ellie’s sudden popularity??? Drunk Ellie??? Protective Paul???

Their friendship is everything that is needed in the world.

Okay, so if I thought that the corridor seen had sexual tension well...this...is on a whole other level.

Aster is conflicted between her destiny to marry Trig and how understood she feels when “Paul” writes to her.

Also I am here for the bromance between Ellie’s dad and Paul.

THIS. SHOT. IS. EVERYTHING.

It sort of reminds me of the lake scene in After - except better.

(Btw, this was kind of their first date. Right?)

Ummm...okay...WHAT DID I JUST WATCH?

WTF PAUL?

Paul, oh my, are you okay? Paul, honey, you were a cinammon roll. I cared about you, Paul. I believed that you deserved to find love when you finally realise you’re just not right for Aster.

Paul, I know that you’re not the brightest bulb in the shop but - this is not what I meant. This is not how I wanted conflict to arise.

This movie was going so well having this PLATONIC friendship that is sweet, caring, and supportive.

Paul, you’ve ruined it.

But, you know what the most annoying part is??? It’s the fact that I know at the end of this movie him and Ellie are probably going to make up and they’re going to brush that near kiss off as Paul being cofused or something and everything will be happy.

Usually, I enjoy watching something that I did not expect and the movie has been delivering that so far - including this. This, on the other hand, I did not like.

What kind of signals are you getting, Paul????

I seriously just want to know what’s going through this guys mind when he asks Ellie “You don’t want me to kiss you?” because she has seriously shown no signs of wanting to kiss him. Not gonna lie, Paul, but I think Ellie would rather make out with a bottle of Yakult than you!

I don’t know, I feel like that just ruined this movie for me. Going into this movie I knew that there will be something that causes a rift in their friendship but I thought this movie was better than using that over-used plot of platonic friendship turning into something more (or something like that, anyone ever watched Naomi and Eli’s No Kiss List? Well that’s what I’m sort of talking about).

There’s about 25 minutes left in the movie so I guess we’ll get through it (I just hope that somehow Paul redeems himself because even Trig seems more of an appealing character now).

Wait.

I swear we established this way at the beginning of the movie.

I’m so confused.

Wow, too far Paul.

I seriously take back every nice thing I said about you earlier being accepting, lovely, caring, and all that because this scene has just ruined him for me. I can’t believe they’re kind of making Paul the antagonist!!!! He had so much potential and they just did that.

There is just no way he’s redeeming himself at the end. I wouldn’t make friends with him again after this.

I really just want to fight him at this point; he just needs to go away; I’m not happy at all.

Why is the only good guy in this movie Ellie’s dad? Seriously, there is not a single good guy and that just makes me so annoyed.

I can confirm.

I feel so bad for Aster, seeing the one person who she thought understood her (Paul) try to kiss Ellie.

And you don’t either Paul.

I’m pretty sure Ellie’s dad understands her a lot more than you could any day so don’t go around thinking that you really know her because if you did then you wouldn’t have said what you said.

AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY YOU ARE A QUEEN ASTER FLORES!

Paul got what he deserved and I had to replay that soooo many times just to get that satisfaction.

(Personally, I think that Aster should have slapped Paul and then kissed Ellie amongst all the triggered homophobes).

This shot is just beautiful. They know they’re both heading in different paths, with Ellie deciding to go to Grinnell and Aster going to art school and this might just be their last chance to get things right between them.

Are we seeing this???

THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANTED FROM THIS MOVIE!

Even though they’re not ending up together their is that agreement that they like each other and they might even wait for each other after university.

That was just the best goodbye ever. I am so proud of Ellie’s confidence growth.

Ew, no, not you again.

I thought we were done with this guy after he got slapped.

Why can’t it be Ellie’s dad wishing her a farewell???

I can’t believe she just forgives him after he told her she’s basically going to go to Hell and we don’t even see him say sorry to her. I just hate how we were made to love him and...

Oh he’s running after the train oh my, I hate this so much.

Alright, this running and this goodbye would have been cute if all that stuff before didn’t happen - but it did. And no matter how much I try I can’t see Paul the same way no matter how much he attempts to make it up to Ellie.

Paul doesn’t deserve her tears.

(say it with me kids)

The most annoying thing is the fact that this was meant to be a friendship-centric story so I did expect that Aster and Ellie wouldn’t be the main focus but they just ruined the friendship and attempted to restore it in the last 25 minutes through Paul’s speech at church. This wasn’t a friendship story and Paul wasn’t a good friend.

Paul, in the first half was a good friend (the best) and had so much potential. Paul, in the second half destroyed first half Paul and replaced him with his evil homophobic twin brother.

Lol maybe that’s why they call it THE HALF OF IT!

At this point, I don’t even have anything to say except for the fact that I am very much disappointed in Paul’s storyline and what Netflix thinks is a “platonic friendship between a guy and a girl” (or a friendship in general).

As for Aster and Ellie, they got the ending I partially expected with Ellie deciding to leave Squahamish for university and them going their separate ways after that brilliant kiss (there are no words to describe the thick sexual tension between these two people).

Aster in general is just an amazing person who deserves to rule the world and I hate how she had to go through that letter-fishing but the upside is that she has time to figure herself out and what she wants in life at art school without fake friends and Trig holding her back.

I’m happy that Ellie gets to leave Squahamish but I feel sorry that her dad has to hang out with Paul the homophobe back home (I hope his taco sausage business fails and I’m not even sorry).

Anyway, that was a bit of a disappointment but if I just the almost kiss part out of my mind then it’ll be less traumatic.

What did you think of the movie? Good? Bad? Still angry with Paul? Tell me in the comment! Bye!

#the half of it #netflix #movies #movie commentary #ellie chu #aster flores is my bae #aster flores

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jmflowers · 5 years

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my Lover album ranking (as requested subliminally by my pal Nathi @iwatchforher)

but y’all have to know by now that I can’t just say things without giving an explanation, so… here’s my attempt at condensing my thoughts and feelings into succinct jot notes

1. False God - tbh my top three are pretty interchangeable but the e n e r g y of this song is HOT and I’m about it always - also down for a song that throws me back to band class circa 2007 - sax love from the flute section

2. I Think He Knows - apparently all my favourites are for the s e x u a l e n e r g y - but for real that line about hands around a cold glass - I definitely sing along to this with Big Gay Energy and change the pronouns

3. London Boy - the nostalgia is real on this one (please adopt me, London) - also it’s apparently a Big Mood for me to fall in love with someone from the UK so I can give my mother a valid excuse for never coming home again - definitely also sing this one with Big Gay Energy, so you’re welcome to my future wife

4. Lover - strictly for the joy I feel upon leaning my head back and moan-singing loverrrrrr - dreaming of slow dancing to this one day

5. Paper Rings - it’s like someone told her to write a dance party and so she d i d - is this about my best friend and her new husband because I think it might be?

6. I Forgot That You Existed - this is truthfully probably higher on my list, but I’m too lazy to go back and adjust - there are some BIG FEELINGS here and they arrived at the perfect time in my life - appreciate the clean, hype up package so I don’t have to cry whenever the lyrics hit home

7. Death by a Thousand Cuts - I’ve definitely dreamed up my concert costume based on a lyric from this song - tbh I really appreciate the ones without gender pronouns (bIcon)

8. Cruel Summer - I respect that this is one of Nathi’s favourites and therefore I will love it always (makes me think of her every time) - if someone doesn’t show up to a concert in a knife costume with a name tag that says “Summer” I might actually get genuinely angry, though (that’s straight up comedy y’all)

9. Cornelia Street - I f e e l the idea of never returning to places that remind you of another person - 10/10 for relatability, miss Swift, so I applaud thee - it’s just all around pretty and I’m for it

10. The Archer - I didn’t like this one as a single??? - but it fits perfectly into the album and the lyrics are exquisite

11. The Man - someone said this sounds like she wrote it the day after she learned about feminism and yeah - still a damn bop, though - I panic every time it says bitches like maybe we’re not allowed to swear in Swiftville - there’s some sound in this that I LOVE and I have zero way of describing it in text

12. You Need to Calm Down - don’t @ me with your bullshit about how this isn’t iconic and important - Grateful Gay - only mildly offended to not be in the music video

13. Afterglow - there are too many great songs on this album to give them all the ranking they truly deserve - I’ll love it more when the world is cold and miserable, I promise

14. Daylight - if you don’t say that outro with her, you’re lying - YOU ARE WHAT YOU LOVE

15. Soon You’ll Get Better - this is a beautiful song - but ow it hurts and I skip it for my own sanity - I love that the Dixie Chicks are very lowkey featured?

16. Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince - I think this was supposed to be very deep and meaningful in an abstract way but it didn’t hit as cleanly as some of the others did for me - I still sing along every time - I’m sorry @authorette44 I know this is in your Lover trilogy

17. ME! - tbh I didn’t like this one when it first came out and I hated myself a lot just in case I was maybe outgrowing the queen??? - it’s just not a concept I believe in (there’s so many people in the world, there’s definitely someone else out there as fantastic as I am) - still sing along though because I am human

18. It’s Nice to Have a Friend - I tried real hard to like this one - edit: the backing on this is done by an awesome program here in Toronto that brings music education to kids who probably wouldn’t get it otherwise, so... 10/10 for the impact of the royalties on this one

I’ve listened to this album on repeat every day since it came out and now I’m not sure how to stop, so this is the only music I listen to now until the next album comes out (not even sorry about it)

#iwatchforher #authorette44 #lover album ranking #because we're all filth for swift let's be honest #I'M NOT HIDING MY OBSESSION ANYMORE #taylor swift #lover album #if you haven't had a dance party to this album you're either a) lying or b) missing out

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the-roci · 5 years

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so i started the magicians but am only on episode 5 and i almost quit watching until i saw that it really improves after season 1 but now that everyone is screaming about this finale i think i'm going to abandon it all together; is there going to be another season? and if so is there any way for them to rectify their blatant disregard for lgbt+ couples or should i truly just jump ship until i'm in too deep?

If you’re watching the show for lgbtq+ rep - don’t. Unfortunately, the fandom over reached with how this show championed same sex relationships before the clusterfuck of season 4 happened, to the point that I was disappointed by how Quentin/Eliot actually played out when I watched. They also treat Eliot, the only clearly established Queer character on the show, like shit.

Eliot - is forced to watch his love interests die, isn’t given appropriate agency to grieve his losses, is forced to marry a woman, is made to sleep with the woman, doesn’t get to have any meaningful conversations about the fact that he, a gay man, can only be with a woman from now on… honestly, he doesn’t get to have many real conversations about any of his emotions, at all. He’s sidelined in the establishing queliot episode by a woman, and his actual m|m love interest was shoved aside for a relationship that never actually ended up happening. Eliot fucking deserves so much better and I’m so, so torn between supporting the show for him, or letting it go because I’m tired.

Queliot – even though there was an episode where they literally grew old together and were debatably partners (to be honest, I consider that a stretch, but I already talked about that in a previous ask) and the showrunners furthered that by establishing that both characters loved each other and wanted to be in a relationship together – which seemed like it was going to be linked to an emotional arc for Eliot that could have been pretty beautiful considering it’s about time this man gets to be loved while also accepting the fact that he deserves to be loved – the showrunners separated them for an entire season, not letting either character talk about how they actually feel, then permanently kill off quentin, but not before re-establishing his relationship with Alice in the last two episodes, even though he told her he didn’t love her anymore two episodes prior, but definitely before he got to say anything to eliot – ya know, the man he’s been charging to save all season.

There’s no w|w rep (one throwaway line doesn’t count).I literally just caught up, and remained hopeful given how fandom kept talking about queliot and rep, but it’s not in the show. Which leads me to the next point –

-it’s baity. The cast champions their characters being fluid, but just because they champion that, doesn’t make it canon (this is nothing against the cast). Just like a showrunner saying Quentin’s son has their combined last names in a tweet doesn’t make it canon. They fed fans enough shit to keep them hopeful without ever intending to deliver. They admitted that establishing queliot was a spur of the moment thing, said they don’t want to get ‘political’ and ‘can’t tell fans how to feel’ – which, go fuck yourself. Unless the show runners do some massive introspection – which, wouldn’t really save anything at this point – nothing is going to change. And again, I’m torn about supporting the show vs supporting the actors.

And the shitty thing is, it’s a good, fun, dark, weird af show and it could have been great? Like, it’s messy, and cringy, but it was good. And I miss what it could have been. So watch at your discretion, but I wish I was told what to expect going in.

#the magicians #rep #or lack thereof #eliot waugh #eliot waugh deserves happiness

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biandnotreadytotry · 5 years

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The Beauty of Male Friendship in Andi Mack

First off, the production value in this season is absolutely incredible, and this episode is a great example of that. Just needed to get that out there, bc wow the transition scenes and where they’ve gotten to film. Quality.

Second off, aside from being incredible representation, having Cyrus be gay had some incredible implications for some real exploration of friendships in this show. It’s been great seeing a truly platonic and absolutely beautiful friendship that is the GHC. The complete removal of even a chance for romantic implications within the group(please don’t come at me Bandi shippers haha) has made for some great storylines and a beatiful look at GHC as a unit and as Andi-Cyrus and Buffy-Cyrus. We need more platonic opposite gender friendships portrayed in media.

Conversely, it’s just as fascinating to watch his interactions with males. To watch a gay character truly be a friend to another male without romantic implications(which at this point you can technically make an argument for both TJ and Jonah, but that’s a whole different can of worms, obviously). I love slow-burn Tyrus and platonic-Jonah bc in some ways it demystifies this idea that I think some people have in their heads about LGBT people. Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’s attracted to all males ya’ know, and just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he can’t have deep and meaningful platonic male friendships.

And you know what else? You know what I thought about near the tail end of this episode? We rarely see three males interact in his show at one time.

Terri has been incredible at absolutely dismantling toxic masculinity one vulnerable moment at a time—really this whole show—but especially this season. She builds up these incredible male characters and have them not only face their insecurities, but show true vulnerability and it’s beautiful. It broke my heart when Jonah said that he knew he was overreacting and should be over it, bc it was obvious even to Cyrus that it was obviously about something much deeper than a jersey number. Emotions, even “minor” ones like that, they chip away at a person, and when something so “insignificant” plays that big a role in who you become as a person, that shouldn’t be ignored.

What struck me was that last scene with the three of them. TJ’s willingness to admit his learning disability, the “you can trust him” Cyrus head nod, and Jonah finally starting to admit to the world that he’s imperfect. TJ saying, “everyones got stuff they gotta deal with” so beautifully mirrored Cyrus’ coming out scene in a way, and I wonder if it was intentional. I thought it was beautiful that the two were not only able to mend their rift, that TJ is officially accepted by the whole crew, but that they were able to really create something that may eventually help the two learn to accept their imperfections and grow because they now have each other. There’s another person that struggles with some sort of disability or impediment, and there’s power in solidarity. Especially in males, where admitting weakness is supposedly admitting failure as a man this is a beautiful way to set that up. (Not to mention, as dumb as the whole situation was it really sped up any TJ-Jonah friendship development, so I think it was necessary). In any case, the platonic male friendships on this show are iconic.

On a Tyrus note,.how Jonah can’t tell Cyrus is infatuated with TJ is impressive. For a second there I really believed he finally processed what was going on, right after Cyrus says “That’s just his face” (iconic, tbh), like he hesitated for a whole second there. Plus, Cyrus interacting with Jonah in The Red Rooster, it’s awesome to see the two finally get some real development(I always felt like their interactions were never that deep in previous seasons, which is a shame) and Cyrus has grown so much since the first season. He can bro-five(so many bro-fives this episode, my gosh) and while I think he still had some feelings for Jonah earlier in the season, their interaction felt so platonic here and it needed to be so in order for Cyrus to properly be there for Jonah in a way that served Jonah well.( No Jyrus hate really, I’m on board for whoever makes Cyrus happy, just an observation, and me speaking to the growth and Cyrus’ ability to get over it and still be a good friend).

And then there’s TJ. Intresting they brought up the gun thing again, but the whole him losing his friends over the gun situation; it’s so sad but I’m kind of glad they didn’t gloss over that. It’s a great set up for TJ to get healthier friends so he can continue to grow as a person(plus joining the GHC+) not to mention TYRUS. People have been complaining there wasn’t enough Tyrus in this episode, but watch the way Cyrus interacted with Jonah, Jonah and TJ interacted, and tell me there’s not something going on between TJ and Cyrus. It’s more than just this beautiful implicit trust now between the three of them, TJ is is over here being soft in front of Jonah. He can’t even hide the gay long enough to not stare at Cyrus literally every moment he can. Can Jonah please be the person that picks up on first?

I agree that Cyrus couldn’t have come out to TJ and Jonah in that moment because it would have equated Cyrus’ gayness with mental disorders, but I at least wish Cyrus would have hesitated for a minute. It would have been enough for us over-analysers to acknowedlge a deeply subtextual attempt on Cyrus’ part to also be vulnerable. To be a part of this moment of true honesty, but he obviously wasn’t ready nor was it the time, and he has that right to not be ready. Not to mention, in a way, like I said before it did kind of mirror Cyrus coming out to Buffy with the whole “you’re no different” and TJ’s “we all got our stuff” issues in this episode. Lord knows, Cyrus’ stuff way back since Swingscene 1.0 was his gayness. Am I going to deep into this overanalyzing, hard yeah, but it’s keeping me sane haha.

#i ship platonic male friendships #smashing toxic masculinity one scene at a time #i didn't know i needed platonic tonah in my life #andi mack #tyrus #cyrus goodman #tj kippen #jonah beck

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thepropertylovers · 6 years

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Feature Friday with Chip & Alexx Pons

Happy Friday! This week's FF is a married couple who are actively serving in the United States Air Force, and stationed in San Antonio. Alex and Chip Pons share their inspiring story of what it's like being an openly gay, married couple in the military, what they're doing to help normalize the stigma around that, and their unconventional yet totally charming wedding. Read on to see what we mean...

Where are you from? Alexx is originally from California and Chip is from Michigan.

Where do you live? We currently live in San Antonio, Texas

Instagram handle: @chip_pons @alexx_pons

Age: Alexx is 30 and Chip is 28

On an unforgettable trip together: We were both given the opportunity to support the Air Force Wounded Warrior (AFW2) Program and Department of Defense team during the 2017 Invictus Games in Toronto, Canada. Something about that trip, despite our workload, was wonderful. It might have had something to do with the amazing people we met or the area we stayed in (this little village in the gay district near downtown)… it was just a wonderful trip and one of the only where the military sent us as a couple to do what we love as a team – that is when we are at our best!

On knowing they're "the one": We met through the process of joining the Air Force; fate brought us together at the same base in New Mexico. Alexx was actually Chip's instructor for a week-long military course and it was there that we realized we have the same job as photojournalists. Chip walked away from that initial meeting swearing he was going to marry Alexx…

On quiet, intimate proposals: Our proposals were very true to who we are as a couple; intimate, private and meaningful. I proposed to Chip first over a quiet night at home, and Chip proposed several weeks later while we were in the kitchen preparing dinner. To others, these moments might seem to be lacking a "wow" factor, but for us, they are some of our most cherished memories!

On making the most of a hard situation: We actually didn't have a wedding! To keep a very long and dramatic story short, we found ourselves in the middle of some very stressful and borderline homophobic professional trouble. As a same-sex, dual military couple who happened to be co-workers, there were some professional obstacles that we had to overcome in order to have our happy ending.

We were essentially punished by leadership for having what was termed an "unprofessional relationship," and were eventually ordered to not speak to one another. So, over a lunch break on Tuesday, Sept. 15, we drove down to the Curry County court house in uniform and swore to spend the rest of our lives fighting for one another.

Getting married was the only option to save our careers at the time which we had both worked so hard to build, but it also the key to our happiness and nearly three years later it is still the easiest and greatest decision we ever made!

On coming out: Alexx came out in his early 20s. His family was and still is very loving and supportive. In fact, they were the ones who sat him down and initiated the “coming out” conversation out of concern for his mental wellbeing. From that moment, Alexx felt fully comfortable being his authentic self, and his family has been so supportive of our marriage and welcomed me to the family with open arms!

Chip on the other hand is a bit of a late bloomer. In all honesty, I am the first man Chip ever dated or connected with emotionally. While he had a great relationship with his family, his fear of their disapproval kept him from living an honest life. When we met, Chip's world was turned upside down! For the first time, he was experiencing love, trust and self-acceptance. Before Chip had the chance to come out, a coworker we were stationed with felt the need to let Chip's family know he was involved with me and from there, it all blew up (personally and professionally) for us. But with me by his side, Chip took a leap of faith and chose love over the life he knew and the relationships he had. For nearly four years, Chip's relationship with his family was non-existent, but recently, those relationships have started rebuilding themselves.

On being openly gay in the military: We have our ups and downs just like everyone else. Constantly having to convince people we aren't brothers is hilarious and "correcting" people when they ask about our wives can be somewhat annoying, but for the most part active-duty members are very accepting. Those around us do a great job of making us feel supported and just like everyone else. We've found that having a good sense of humor goes a long way especially when dealing with people who may be awkward but have good intentions! Most military bases even celebrate Pride Month now, which is slightly unnecessary, but appreciated at least from an educational standpoint (when done correctly).

No matter how much support we feel, there will always be toxic individuals who thrive on spewing hate. Chip wrote a Pride Month commentary once about serving as a dual military, same-sex couple and when it was published, the overwhelming hate on social media (from civilians and active-duty members) was almost impossible to ignore. But we reminded ourselves why we joined the Air Force: to serve our country and its citizens; so that everyone has the right to express their opinions, no matter what those might be!

On normalizing same-sex marriages within the military: Coming out and accepting that you are gay is usually a life-altering experience. Doing so while adhering to military customs and courtesies, regulations and the day-to-day stress of military life takes that experience to a whole new level. While being a member of the LGBT+ community is a pivotal part of who we are, there is so much more to us than that. We are husbands, sons, brothers, friends... and professionally, we are Airmen. We try to promote a lifestyle that praises ALL aspects of what makes someone who they are as a whole instead of just focusing on one aspect.

For us, it's all about redefining what people in the military perceive normal to be. From us attending official military functions together and being seen supporting one another professionally, to holding hands in the grocery store (in Texas I might add) and enjoying a night out with friends, we try to show that life goes on when you come out. People have very different versions of what "being gay" looks like and for us, having a life that you are proud of and genuinely happy to be living is the only thing that matters.

On being each other's wingman: Working together has been the biggest blessing for our relationship. Before we were a couple, we were teammates and best friends. That friendship and professional comradery laid the strongest foundation we could have asked for.

The Air Force is built upon this idea of never leaving your wingman behind. Well, from day one we were wingmen and that notion of teamwork and support has absolutely transferred onto our marriage. Working so closely with your spouse during the formative years of your relationship not only allows you to spend more time together, but it unifies you in a way that is hard to put in words. Personally, we know that the other will always have our back, but there is a great sense of relief knowing that throughout the day, you have someone who is in your corner unconditionally and pushes you to be the best version of yourself!

And on that note, where some often feel some sort of competition between themselves and their spouse for success, that could not be further from the truth with us. We are one unit; we share success and downfalls – and when one falters, the other is there to quickly pick them up and keep moving in one direction again. There are just as few words for someone who would move heaven and earth to see you become your best self – even as a cost to themselves… it leaves you speechless and feeling genuinely loved!

We have been blessed to travel together and work side-by-side, and there is nothing more rewarding than getting to do what you love with who you love more than anything. Separation and distance is a huge obstacle military couple’s face, and we have been fortunate throughout our careers to have not been apart too long from one another. But during those moments away for training or individual obligations, we take that time to take a look at the beautiful life we have built and appreciate all that we have – if anything, it is those brief moments apart that makes us a stronger, more resilient couple!

On the joys of a simple date night: For us, date night is all about relaxation. There is nothing better than putting on a movie or one of our favorite shows after eating a delicious home-cooked meal (Alexx is a MASTER in the kitchen). Add some wine, continuous laughter, a loving massage, and we have everything we could ever need!

On the one thing they love most about each other: First, we have to admit that we are very much still DEEP in the newlywed stage of our marriage and we've vowed to never leave it, so our level of obsession with one another is pretty extreme.

Chip: I adore so many things about the man that Alexx is and has become, but I love Alexx's passion the most. Alexx is protective and loyal and warm and everything Alexx does, he does out of love for me. It's overwhelming and exhilarating and a once in a lifetime feeling that I will never get used to but never take for granted. He throws himself 100% into every aspect of our life together. Our marriage, his job, our future...I am blown away at how completely immersed this man can be in so many things at once and he does it all with a smile on his face. Before we were married, Alexx told me that he aspires to "do the most good, for the most amount of people," and I am constantly in awe at how he has embodied that expression. He is the epitome of selflessness, unconditional love and unwavering support and the immensity of his love knows no limit. I am TRULY the luckiest man on the planet for tricking him into loving me!

Alexx: And for me, it is Chip’s heart – he has the biggest one, sometimes to a fault. He really does not have a bad bone in his body. We are talking about a man who sees the good in everyone, which translates into the most unique and intense type of love I never imagined was real. He does not do anger or even mild irritation… Chip’s go-to when things get remotely tense is affection – I mean tight, take-your-breath away hugs and kisses. It is this incredible propensity for love that he possess which lets me know how deeply loved I am, and without question that he will be an incredible father to our children (someday).

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theteablogger · 6 years

Text

Michael Corner and Terry Boot

While working on the timeline, I’ve found myself digressing quite a bit to talk about Mike and Terry’s “evolving” relationship throughout DAYDverse and Andy’s meta. Rather than clutter up the timeline, I decided to post something here and simply link to it later. So I put together an outline, with fic links and excerpts and as much chronological detail as possible, of what Andy wrote about Mike and Terry over the years. It stops in 2013 because their labeling has been consistent since September 2012, and he hasn’t written any significant fic featuring these characters since the following year.

(Cut for length and NSFW content.)

April 2008 - In DAYD, Andy establishes that Mike and Terry are best friends, extremely close, and can “read each other’s minds”. Eventually, we learn that this is literally true; they use Legillimency to maintain a constant mental connection that they rarely choose to break. He also mentions that they have matching tattoos, and that Terry’s says, “L’amitie de la conaissance.”

Sometime between April 2008 and July 2009 - In his FAQ, Andy “bans” people from slashing Mike and Terry. He says:

This is the first thing on the FAQ that is preemptive, not a response to comments or emails, but I feel I need to, particularly after #50. I have given other authors permission to play in my world, but I am putting a few caveats on that. I have no problem with slash or homosexuality. Rowan Glynnis and Malcolm Braddock both “stir their cauldrons in their own direction.” IMHO, both Colin and Luna are bisexual. HOWEVER, I am refusing permission for anyone to slash my Neville and/or Ernie, as well as any Michael/Terry slash. Obviously, these are all four originally JKR’s creations and I cannot ban the pairings in general , but I can ask people not to use my story as material in them. In the case of Neville and Ernie, this is because their relationships with women are just too vital to the plot and who they are as young men in my world, but in the case of Michael and Terry, I have another reason too. As a male writer, I have tried very hard to accurately portray the way the men in my story think and feel, even as I try my best to do justice to the ladies as well. The kind of love Michael and Terry have for one another is an extraordinary sort of brother-bond that men can form for one another under very rare circumstances, and it is one of the most powerful forms of love in the world, sometimes almost as strong as a mother for her child. That is something that I would find debased by making it into romantic or physical attraction, and that is why I am requesting that it not be done. Please respect this, and if I find out that someone has written a story from my canon that violates it, I will be reporting it to ff.net as uncondoned plagiarism.

Prior to June 17, 2008 - Andy publishes “By Consensus”, in which each of the two boys telepathically shares with the other the memory of a sexual encounter that he has recently had with a girl. These are memories such as one might see in a pensieve, except that their telepathic connection allows each to experience it as if he were in the other’s body. This is incredibly skeevy because neither girl is asked for her consent before they share. The experience of sharing these memories is so intense that Mike and Terry “wake up” afterward entangled in each other’s limbs, sweaty, chests heaving, evidently having kissed each other--oh, and they’ve both come. (Link goes to a much later re-posting on the DAYDverse community.) Excerpt:

He was still trembling, there was a hot stickiness at his groin, a deep throbbing that told him he'd come again, but Terry scarcely noticed as he released the connection, the memory fading back to what it had been before he raised it and shared it with his friend. Instead, what had his attention so completely was he and Michael were no longer laying side by side, but tangled together, and he could feel the other boy's erection flagging as freshly as his own. Their arms were wrapped around each other, their hair damp and clinging to their faces, their chests still heaving, and he could taste a faint lingering hint of chocolate in his mouth. He hadn't eaten chocolate that day.

June 19, 2008 - Andy publishes “Empirical Evidence” on hprarepairs. In this fic, Mike and Terry have sex and it's the most profound, amazing, meaningful thing ever precisely because they are male, not gay, and feel no sexual desire for each other despite their extremely strong friendship-type-love. It’s so intense, in fact, that they’re afraid ever to do it again. Excerpt:

Michael chuckled, and the sound was oddly rough in his raw throat. “Kind of defeats the whole purpose of avoiding emotional involvement when I love you more than any witch in this school?” “No fucking kidding.” Terry rolled unsteadily onto one elbow, tucking himself back into his pants. “That was…yeah…but I think if we ever do anything like it again….” He reached out, pushing a piece of the long blonde hair out of Terry’s eyes. “Speaking of your ancient Greeks, the Spartans encouraged their soldiers to have sex with one another because it took the brotherhood bonds to a level that would drive them to acts of insanity on the battlefield to protect one another. Never made sense before, and I don’t think it’s anything like what Stephen and Derek have…that seems to be more like what we have with witches. This was something else, something more raw, and I mean here –“ he tapped his chest, “—not just down there. It wasn’t…it wasn’t about sex at all, but it was certainly sexual, but….” “It was terrifying.” “Completely.” Michael bit his lip, looking down for a moment before reaching out to lace his hand through his friend’s, squeezing it tightly. “Mindless shagging definitely goes somewhere else, then?” Terry nodded. “Definitely.” His fingers tightened on Michael’s. “There’s nothing mindless about what you mean to me, Mike.”

September 30, 2008 - In “20 Random Facts about Tiresius W Boot”, Andy says that Mike and Terry each has half of a quotation by Comte DeBussy-Rabutin tattooed on his upper arm. Mike has “L’amour vient de l’aveuglement” (”Love comes from blindness...”) and Terry has “l’amitie de la connaissance” (”...friendship, from knowledge.”).

November 4, 2008 - In “20 Random Facts About Michael J Corner”, Andy reveals that following Mike and Terry’s deaths in the Battle of Hogwarts, their ashes were mixed and split in half, then buried under identical gravestones with both their names on them. Their parents had intended to engrave the text of their tattoos on the stones, but the Greek characters for "philia" appeared instead, "inexplicably and indelibly of [their] own accord". In this hilarious summary of DAYD, this is described as, “No Homo, in Ancient Greek.”

December 9, 2008 - Andy throws a fit on fanficrants when someone writes what he describes as “a craptastic slash threesome” between Mike, Terry, and Tony. He reports this person for plagiarism because he says that they “stole” his version of Terry.

December 12, 2008 - In “Standing Witness”, Mike is horribly tortured by Belsen while the other students are made to watch. Because of their telepathic connection, Terry shares the experience, and finally casts Avada Kedavra to put Mike out of his misery--but it doesn't work because he doesn’t really mean it. Later, Terry sits at Mike’s bedside and internally monologues at great length about how Mike is indescribably beautiful and intelligent and wonderful and he loves him more than life itself, and now he’s thrown all that away. When he realizes that Mike is still alive, he monologues some more about how much he loves Mike, who no doubt will never forgive him. When these events are described in DAYD itself, the other characters talk about how much Mike and Terry love each other, to the point that they’re closer than brothers. When Mike wakes up, Terry cries over him and Mike kisses his hand. Excerpt from “Standing Witness”:

I've wondered for years what kind of person could burn the Library of Alexandria; all that knowledge, all that art, so much priceless genius, who could look at that and bear to think of a torch or a hammer…but those monsters are still with us, aren't they, Mike? That he could look at you and do…do what he did, knowing you're not just beautiful, but brilliant and brave and good…and how could I help him? What does that make me? Qu'est-ce que creature, quel monstre suis-je? ... We'll fight and we'll survive and all of this, every minute of it and every day of my life I've lived and every day I have left will be worth it if I can just have one more day with you well and whole and seeing you smile, seeing your eyes light up with a new idea, some new bit of knowledge, some new discovery that we can share. ... Maybe, in the end, that's why I'm here…so that at least once, someone would truly know how precious you are, even if you're in the end a treasure only measurable by its cost to lose.

Sometime prior to February 28, 2009 - Andy publishes “Perils of Studying Outdoors”. Caught sneaking around outside by Amycus Carrow, Mike and Terry misdirect him by passionately making out and...well, here’s an excerpt. The non-italicized bits represent the two of them communicating telepathically.

There was no acting necessary to love him, just love him with every bit of his soul, but he rarely let himself just feel it this completely, because it was so overwhelming as to be a little bit frightening, and he heard a tiny gasp escape his lips, a shiver running through him at the raw, almost feral depth of it. You're beautiful too, Terry. I wish you could see that. Not just your eyes, either. Terry flinched back, closing his eyes at the compliment and trying to turn away, but Michael's hands were clasped behind his neck now. You don't have to...he can't hear us. I'm not saying it to him. I'm saying it to you. You're the pretty one. I'm the pin-up. But you're no half-cast spell either. Sometimes I almost wish I could fancy wizards, because you already mean so much to me, and I know if I did, even a little, I'd lose myself in you so easily. You're already so much everything to me, adelphos. Philia et agape... ... The kiss was uncertain at first, edged on barriers neither quite understood and both knew completely, barely a whisper of lip to lip, then the tight set of Terry's shoulders seemed to melt beneath his hands, and arms that had become recently stronger than he had realized were around his waist, pulling them in together until their bodies breathed under one rhythm. It was real in every way that they were, no act at all and so much more than what it was meant to appear to be, expressing every layer of the love that Michael wondered if any other couple in this school - in this world - who could claim simple eros even began to understand. What a pity if they didn't, because even as some faint part of him heard the Death Eater's roar of outrage, knew what was about to come, his mouth was still reluctant to edge away from Terry's, teeth and tongue lingering across the moisture of his lower lip, and the rest of himself was reflected in cobalt that lazed open just in time to lace their hands together and brace themselves before le vilain petit monde cracked over them again.

April 1, 2009 - On the LJ community, Andy posts “Revelations” as a prank for April Fool’s Day. In this fic, Mike and Terry inform their friends that they are involved in a romantic relationship with each other, and then kiss passionately in front of them, as a joke. In the header Andy says, as part of his prank, that he's had writer's block and is curing it by changing the story/characters to fit what the readers want to see. Excerpt:

“There’s no need for rash action,” Michael cut in hastily. “We’re not offended. But if we’re going to be trusting each other with our lives, we can at least trust you with this. It’s been such a year…a lot has changed. We’ve all discovered things about ourselves that maybe we didn’t realize before.” ... Another moment of wordless conversation, and then Neville’s jaw nearly hit the polished surface of the conference table as the two wizards moved as one. Chairs scraped the stone floor deafeningly, and now Michael was almost in Terry’s lap, their arms locked around one another, and they were kissing. Not just kissing, snogging. Bloody near trying to suck one another’s tonsils out. Mouths crushed together, eyes closed, hands sliding up under robes and gripping shoulders, moving over backs in the most passionate, almost desperate embrace that Neville had ever seen. The tendons corded tight on Terry’s neck. The flutter and fan of dark lashes against Michael’s still-pale cheek. Breath sucked quick and fervent between teeth and around tongues, as if any moment it wouldn’t, couldn’t be enough and they would either have to go further or burst from the pure intensity. It was the kind of kiss that was uncomfortable and voyeuristic to watch, even if it hadn’t been two wizards, and he had to look away, staring at the ceiling and wondering what…wondering how…?

April 6, 2009 - Andy posts his completed “Quadrophilia” sketch, which portrays Mike and Terry having sex with the Patil twins.

July 12, 2009 - What is a slash and what do you mean Mike and Terry have subtext; I can't see these things at all in any canon ever.

May 26, 2011 - Mike and Terry are bicurious.

June 2011, just over a week later - Terry is asexual. (Andy copy/pasted a group chat about LGBTQIA characters to the community. Neither Mike nor Terry was mentioned during the chat, but in the comments, another user asked if there were any asexual characters in the DAYDverse. Andy replied, “Terry, as a matter of fact.” I won’t link to it because it includes DAYDians’ full names.)

July 12, 2012 - Mike and Terry = BROTP.

September 2012 - Terry is homoromantic/asexual and Mike is homoromantic/heterosexual.

February 23, 2013 - Andy defends himself when asked whether his portrayal of Mike and Terry constitutes queerbaiting.

December 10, 2013 - Andy publishes “Unison”, the story of Mike and Terry’s establishing their mental link, with an author’s note that tries to preempt further talk of queerbaiting. Excerpt from the fic:

“I’m afraid.” "So am I. Of so many things." The vial stopped. The crease between his brows deepened. He pushed his hair back. “What could you ever fear?” "Falling." From grace. From my pedestal. In love. Too late and he knew it for all of them and I couldn’t breathe. The vial lifted, uncapped, tilted to dampen his finger, all still untouched. His wand was still on the floor somewhere behind us both, glowing and casting its ghosts’ light. Oh, but he was so astoundingly gifted in ways I could barely comprehend. I could never. How could he not see it? Maybe if this worked. He touched my temples with the potion; first one, then the other. “I’d catch you.” ... “...I think I’ve only ever done two perfect things in my life." "Only two?" His left hand on his face now as well, his right on mine. Our pulses had come to match. I felt light headed and didn’t even know if it was beginning. I closed my eyes. We were too young, they said. It was too dangerous. We didn’t have the maturity, the control, the capacity for the necessary level of responsible intimacy, much less to handle the complexities and abstracts of it all. Blocking, maybe, under the direst need, but never probing, penetrating, accepting, inviting, receiving. It could change who you were if it happened too young. Never before seventeen, surely. Not for children. Not for us. Rules were made to be broken by the exceptions. Or the exceptional. "Finding you, and now letting you in."

#daydverse #queerbaiting #andythanfiction #thanfiction #andrew blake #andy blake

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to-future-self · 4 years

Text

This is very long and unplanned

Well, hello

So, I diverge from my parents. Like most adolescents, I do, yes, disagree with my parents. I know, I know, shocker.

I find it to be very scary, really. Suddenly, those who always had the answer don't have it anymore. And, once again, the fact that there is no certainty in life slaps me in the face again and again and again. Sometimes I worry I'll never get used to it, to life. I feel as if no one really does, but I don't think this is the uplifting mantra I want to carry throughout my existence. "No one will ever understand what we are supposed to do, because we aren't supposed to do anything!" Living isn't supposed to be meaningful, not by default. But I do know that the only one who can attribute meaning to life is the individual living it.

The fact that we are all individuals is the reason there will never be true peace. No, we're too different, all of us, in so many ways. This doesn't mean we can't coexist with those differences, but I don't believe there's any plausible scenario (and by that I mean, no thought reforming BS or total human annihilation) where everyone is quiet and happy. This is one beautiful and terrifying thing about humans, we're bound to noise, never to silence.

A community, whether we like it or not, is not homogeneous. It's a bunch of individuals that are scrunched together and not mixing, no matter how hard some try. Every single one of us is just weirdly unique, with our own objectives, likes, dislikes, good and not so good facts and beliefs. We're all just existing, and we all have the right to since we all have value. To exist is, supposedly, very valuable in itself.

I'll get to the value of a human being and MY OWN VALUE as a human being eventually, don't worry. I looove rambling in tiresome texts.

But let's get to the point, at least the initial one: Should all people be allowed to exist? Or, at least, should people be able to experience freedom or is it more secure to tame it in some capacity?

Now, what do I mean about that?

My parents are not anti-racists, they also are quite careless when it comes to cute 2020 surprise, Corona, and my dad is quite unfond of concepts such as feminism. Ok, they do sound like idiots, and that worries me because they're not. And it kills me that I can't love them less for it.

I came to the conclusion that one can't end an idea. Ideas are created and exist, immortal, but not undiscussable. Therefore, racism or sexism or any bad-ism will never end, as long as there's someone out there that truly believes it, or some kind of registration, either being through manuscripts and historical papers of some sort or just through the impact the past makes in the present and future (as a 16-year-old, my conclusions are not mind-blowing, they're mostly stupid and lame and not original).

And those bad-isms exist because of the conflict we, humans, will never get rid of. Bad-isms exist because some believe that others, different from them, shouldn't exist, or are not correct, or are inferior to them for some reason. Basically, you shouldn't exist, because you're not like me. And to disagree with those is plausible, right? Everybody should have the right to exist, even if harmony is unachievable. RIght?

That's when you get movement, revolution, opposition, which is great. Not easy nor pretty, even though some think so (yes, I'm looking at you, miss ˜I-Like-Romanticising-History". Did you enjoy Hamilton?) Those people who were massively mistreated through the course of human existence are screaming, and the world starts to notice their voice. And it's just so fucking amazing, even if things aren't fixed, and most likely never will. Things are slowly getting better. Hurray!

Hurray?

Now, I'm no expert in social sciences. Actually, I'm no expert in anything, I'm sixteen. But it is bizarre to see how people have a hard time looking past their own nose. Me included, obviously, but let's talk about that later. Ok, things got better, but they're not good. It's not very difficult to find some numbers stating how many black people die every day because of cop violence, or how many women are being abused every day in any social sphere they're inserted in, or how many trans people are beaten to death every day because of their identity. And that's me not remembering many, many other examples of how things are not alright. We're not walking on sunshine. However, to those who do not really experience any of it, or care to know about it, this is very foreign. Those are people who look at the past, think "Yikes. Good thing the world is not like that anymore!", and go live their lives carelessly. They don't see anything wrong with the now, now is good, and they don't understand how there are people who are still complaining! Hello-o, you got your rights, shut up already!

That, gentleladies and gentlemen and gentlenon-binary, is my father.

And that same father feels like he has no right to be wrong, or of disagreeing with people. He's terrified of the idea of limitation of freedom, he thinks it will lead to some kind of new dictatorship, and "they" are already working on it - "They" being the masterminds behind a to-be controlled world of some sort. Therefore, according to my dad, we can't get someone arrested for thinking the most absurd or saying the most absurd, because 1. They haven't done anything tangible yet, 2. Even if they're complete and utterly disgusting, they have the right of believing and saying whatever they want.

I feel as if this is the main ideological conflict we have nowadays (I'm not sure, I don't know way too much about the world to have an opinion, but we'll go back to that too). We have people who want to diminish, control, or even exterminate others, but, if they don't effectively do anything, should they be punished? As someone who isn't affected by many of the violence in the world today, I don't know.

Because I know there's nothing I can do to stop it from happening, bad-isms are always going to be there, but we need to keep trying to make them almost nonexistent. But then, you can't convince people, or explain to them, the damages of something through violence. This type of change can't happen through force, because it won't clarify anything to those who don't know or don't care. This doesn't mean passivity, but it means effective dialogue and loads of patience and, honestly, that's really hard too. I don't think there will be many people willing to persist in a (most likely) one-sided conversation with their abusers. And that's to say that all people can be convinced, which is not the case at all! People are stubborn, especially when they're talking about something they feel deeply about, such as their moral compass or their beliefs.

I'm afraid I advocate for different types of resistance or social change because I don't know what it feels like. Because I don't understand suffering. I understand anger, sadness, and guilt, but not suffering. Not truly. And then, I must not forget that I have been raised by my parents, who believe that yes, anyone can be proven wrong, and yes, you should be able to think freely, no matter how disgusting what you think about is. And I thought I agreed with that too until the day I realized I'm terrified of judgment, and again the day of the racist episode in my school happened.

Some guys had a Whatsapp group. I have no idea what they talked about usually, but I, and the entirety of my city (and the internet, obviously), got to see bits of a terrifying conversation. They were talking about what girls they would rape, but then they got to one in particular. Since she was black, she was worth less than a piece of gum, raping her was disgusting, she would smell awful and they would prefer to sell her on the internet. You know, like a slave. LOL.

People can be inhuman sometimes. Later, I would discuss this episode with my parents. It was sort of inevitable since it was all over the news, but it made me feel awful. Because "Hell, they're kids! Stupid kids, but they didn't do anything. Everything could be racism then, you know? Who is to judge what is and isn't? What will they do next, invade our privacy? Check if we are or aren't conforming to what 'they' believe is right? People say stupid shit all the time! What will 'they' do, arrest everyone?" Holy shit, the way they diminished the situation, the way they made it about something else! I know they don't agree with the kids, but what the fuck, no empathy at all? "The girl must hear that every day, she's fine" FUCK, WHAT ABOUT THAT IS FINE??

And then, well, I realized I'm not my parents. And then I realized I still love them. A lot. And that scares me. I hope I'm not a victim of unconditional love, it makes you accept the unacceptable. But I love my parents, and it will take more than them ignoring human suffering for me to stop. Like, my dad voted (and seems to be in love with) for a guy who thinks "people like me" should be beaten as a child to "take the gay out of them", and I still love him. It is fucking terrifying.

Then, I get to one of my greatest self-doubts. Am I critical of violent methods of action because, deep down, I believe there should be no action? People should just exist? What is the best next step to coexisting? Should voices be shut by the voiceless? Are voiceless shutting anyone up? Should people care or not? If we don't care, there's eternal apathy, but if we do, there's just a great war of interest. What is right? Who determines what is right? Can people be wrong if being wrong means suffering? Am I scared of knowing things because then I'll have to acknowledge I'm really, truly horrible and have been doing everything wrong? Am I that scared of disagreeing with what I believe is true? Of what people I respect and want to like me believe is true?

Unanswered. I think. I don't know.

Hi, I'm someone highly dependent on others' opinions about me. Not so long ago, I noticed that I lie. All the time. To the point I don't remember things I said, or can't keep up with them. 'Cause I need to be liked. I need so much to be liked I don't think I have opinions I haven't borrowed from other people. I can't act by myself, I feel the need of having someone tell me what to do, what is right, what is wrong, how to live. Shit, I ruined my friendship with the only people I talked to in 5 years because I projected all my insecurities and a sense of right and wrong on them and then blamed them for it. And now, while I'm trying to stop some of my bad habits, such as lying, I am so lost. So, so lost. And I don't know if that's because I lost my sense of identity once those who told me how to be are not there anymore or because this is me. Actually me. And I hate it. I feel as if anyone I knew before now was just meeting a facade.

I don't like what I used to like anymore. I don't read, don't draw, don't write, only sing when at the verge of tears, almost never listen to music, don't dance alone at 3 A.M., don't make pancakes, can't stand my birds, haven't changed clothes in almost a month, don't seem to find the most hilarious shit funny. I'm giving cooking a try, it's been very fun when I'm alone. That's another thing: being alone sucks, but it's how I want to be 99% of the time.

I always struggled with feeling good about myself. Because the bits that I knew were entirely me never seemed appealing to most people. Sometimes I can't stand myself so much that I make myself stop thinking, fearing that someone might think my thoughts are uninteresting. I never felt so uninteresting in my life. My biggest thrill recently has been planning how to organize the notes in my binder, and I'm not even good at it. If I could, I would shut up forever, because I never know what to say. I'm terrible at it, convos. Recently, I had this breakdown because I was searching "How to talk to people" on Youtube. I never felt so pathetic, so useless… So I cried for about 3 hours.

Actually, I always feel as if I am wrong. Nothing I do is ever right. It's very fun, this constant feeling that everybody hates you and is just keeping up with your bullshit since they're too polite to just say "You suck". It's so weird that I'm constantly telling myself that if people knew the truth about me, I would be completely alone. So I'm constantly telling myself how I should just cut everyone out of my life so they don't have to waste so much on me. And it's all in my head but if I don't talk to anyone, it'll come true, but if I do talk, people will just realize how much of a piece of shit and nothing I am.

My therapist once told me that I'm not obliged to be entertaining all the time and that I can be boring, but the truth is that I don't know anything. I am very much filled with just air and, if I don't make things up, people will be just stuck there with absolutely nothing. And then leave. And it will be all my fault, as it usually is.

I think the most pathetic recent thing I've done is to become possessive of this pillow I have. I use it to feel less lonely at night, sometimes I like to pretend it is my boyfriend and just hold it real tight (not really because then "I would be crushing him"). God, I've cried so much against this pillow and slept with it so much to the point I can't sleep unless I'm hugging something. And, sometimes, when my sister lies in the bed with me, I don't let her lie on top of it. Do you know when children have those clothes they get really attached to? I feel like that. Memory Boy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if it's creepy. But it is the truth.

By the way, I'm so sorry if I talk too much and don't give you the chance to talk. Or if I'm never talking to you. This seems contradictory, but I miss you so fucking much and I really love you. I'm really sorry I'm not present, I'm just not myself enough or interesting and I really don't want you to see me like this.

My family is not really respecting the quarantine, and they convinced me to go out with them a few times. And I hate it. So much. I become paranoid that I'm part of the problem and I'll kill someone or that people will know that I'm out and scream with me and hate me and judge me and hate me. And my fucking dad thinks everything is fine and dandy and if he goes out without a mask he won't infect anyone and if he gets infected and dies it's fine because life goes on without him and this whole thing will be over in no time he can show you the fucking numbers because only 100 people are dying per day in this state, isn't this great? People are still dying, my dad doesn't seem to care because "you do you. If there are some idiots who don't care, let them die. Why does it concern you?" as if this isn't a situation where your actions affect the people around you and as if I shouldn't care if people die and as if I shouldn't care if my own fucking father dies because "they chose to do so to themselves". Fucking amazing. Thanks, Dad, I'm so less worried now.

And, when I refuse to go out, my family blames me for being no fun at all or "having a phobia of the outside.", since I have absolutely no reason not to go, everything is fine and dandy now, shopping malls are reopening and there's no way a second wave could happen, no sir. And, when I do go out, I try to wear things I would never wear and avoid phones so there's no proof I was outside. And, when I come back, I start searching for pictures of me between those pictures taken of people outside and feeling guilty, so guilty for going because if I didn't want to go, I could have not gone. And then I'll feel terrible and hate myself and cry and want to hurt myself, even though I won't. And just feel bad for it forever because it's my fault that I went outside and I could have just stayed, why didn't I stay, now everyone will hate me so much and I'll have contributed to the death statistics in my country and people will call me out for it and hate and never talk to me again and I'll have killed someone and made their family miserable and it will be all my fucking fault as usual because I could keep my ass home.

And oh my god, I'm so great. I'm so completely fine, I have nothing to worry about and I keep creating problems when I could just shut up. Sometimes I feel as if my feelings are wrong and far too much so I try to pretend they don't exist because, well, they shouldn't. I have no real reason to feel as sad or angry as I do all the time, especially when there are people with real problems out there and I'm just shoving the fucking great life I have against their faces and pretending as if it is the worst. When, actually, I make up all my problems and I should just stop whining and just be fucking happy already because I have no reason to feel sad and angry. I just wrote down some things that are on my mind but they're so fine and not a problem at all. I just really hate being too much.

Honestly, I usually re-read my letters to correct it and make it coherent, but I won't this time. I seriously blacked out while writing this and just am not willing to revisit right now. I've been writing this for three days now and, most of it I did in a row. Spent two days in the beginning and then an entire day just vomiting words nonstop. I'm sorry if it was long.

#granola bird

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llantano · 4 years

Text

Turning Leaves, 14. Between the Lines

"Amelia, I'm finally able to reach you. How are you?"

Amelia couldn't help but smile as she held her cell phone to her ear. "I'm great. Surprised – to hear from you. How are you?" Her question was deep and sincere.

"I'm fine, thank you for asking," came the brief answer, moving on to more important matters. "But I have to admit I am a bit concerned about you."

Amelia could only try to guess what the concern was over, and was not sure whether she should be worried or offended. "How so?"

The voice on the line was gentle and calm.

"I still subscribe to The Banner. I don't want to accuse you of anything underhanded, Amelia – I think more of you than that. But every time I read the Llanview news I have this sinking feeling in my gut, and with each paper it gets worse. Are you really going to marry Dorian Lord?"

As Dorian approached the sitting room with her drink in hand, her mind was still distracted by her conversation with Blair and she didn't hear Amelia talking until she was to the door. It sounded like Amelia was speaking to someone on her cell phone – Dorian could only hear one half of the conversation. She paused against the outside wall to listen to what Amelia had to say.

Amelia was flattered by the concern of her friend on the line and somehow glad that someone was questioning her actions. It was a relief, in a way. At the same time, she felt defensive.

"Yes, I am. Do you have a problem with that?" Dorian heard Amelia ask. Amelia's voice sounded concerned, but heated. Dorian wondered what she was discussing.

"Only one, Amelia. Dorian is not gay."

There was a noticeable pause in the conversation that lingered in silence. Dorian tried not to move.

Amelia felt pressured to respond. Her friend - her former mentor - Carla, was right, of course.

"What makes you think that? Do you know Dorian?"

Upon hearing specific mention of her own name, Dorian's interest in the conversation was truly piqued. She inched closer to the open doors to the room, trying not to make a sound. She looked down at her drink as she waited for Amelia to speak again.

"Well, I admit I haven't crossed paths with Dorian for quite some time, but as I recall, she has always been interested in men. Now, Amelia, I'm not calling so that you can practice for the media on me. I want you to be honest with me, and if you can't be, I'm going to hang this phone up and stop wasting my time. What is going on?"

Amelia shook her head as she attempted to be more amused than insulted. "Dorian and I are standing up for equal rights for all people. We believe that everyone has the right to marry the person that they love, regardless of race, class, or gender…."

A part of Dorian wanted to roll her eyes, but another part of her was proud of Amelia's statement. She realized her mixed emotions about their stance and situation stemmed, at least in part, from the speech she'd just heard from Blair.

"I have to stop you. See, I read all that in the paper. My concern is the line about having the 'right' to marry the person that you love. You understand my concern?"

Amelia furrowed her eyebrows. "Not exactly, no."

As Amelia spoke again, Dorian wondered what question had been asked. She looked at her drink again, and she felt a bit anxious, but didn't move. There was another endless pause as Amelia listened to the person on the other end of the call.

"The whole point of marriage is for two people who love each other to commit their lives to one another – not to prove a point. I don't know if you love Dorian or not, but if she doesn't love you – if either of you is entering this marriage falsely, then you are automatically undermining everything you're trying to accomplish. And I may be slightly out of touch, but I know enough about both of you to know that you are two people who sometimes stack the blocks too high. Your ambition can't be faulted. I just don't want to see it all crashing down around you."

Amelia frowned. How could she respect and appreciate a person so much and feel so hurt and mad at them at the same time?

"How am I stacking the blocks too high?" she demanded. "This is a wonderful opportunity to finally draw some attention to the beauty of gay marriage and make something happen for my community. Dorian is with me on this. If there was any doubt in my mind, I would have already started backing off."

To Dorian, Amelia certainly seemed unhappy with whatever had been said. She had an urge to drop her drink and rush into the room to interrupt.

Yes, maybe they were stacking the blocks too high. She could comprehend the comparison – envision a wobbling tower just before it toppled. Amelia might not doubt Dorian, but Dorian had her doubts, for sure. She sighed as she thought of Sam's crayons – preventing herself from barging into the room and ending the charade that very moment.

Somehow, she just couldn't, and now she was starting to comprehend how much faith Amelia (and perhaps the whole LGBT community) was putting in her. It was a heavy burden, and Dorian had always believed she could carry the burdens others were not capable of carrying.

"You still haven't said anything about love, or given me any evidence that Dorian really is 'with you' on this. Amelia, I don't mean to sound harsh or doubt your sincerity, but please – tell me you are going to figure a way to ease yourself out of this before you're sued or worse. If your most publicized campaign is based on a fraud, your whole career is going to be destroyed, and you're much too young for that."

Amelia took a deep breath. "Listen, I believe in this. Like I've never believed in anything before. For the first time, I feel like I'm able to really make a difference – really contribute something meaningful to the world. I feel important. I'm where I am supposed to be. Dorian is the biggest part of that. I need her to help make this change, and she needs me to get elected. Please, support us – support me – on this."

Dorian would have smiled to herself, flattered, if her misgivings had not outweighed how pleased she was that Amelia felt she was helping to change the world. It was a dizzying thought. What if they could, in fact, change the world? What if they became a major part of American history for taking this stand?

On the other hand, what if it was the biggest embarrassment of Dorian's life? She lifted her drink to her lips as she continued to listen to the silence in the other room, waiting for Amelia to speak again.

"I have no doubt that both of you have this all justified in your minds." Carla sighed. "I guess you've answered all my questions and confirmed my doubts – and it seems there is nothing I can do to convince you that the whole situation is very disconcerting to me. Apparently there is nothing more I can say. I admire your passion and determination. If there is no way I can convince you to rethink this, then at least take this one piece of advice and follow through with it: Have good legal representation. And I don't mean Dorian's legal team. Find your own."

Amelia held her breath for a moment, a dull ache in her chest. "I appreciate your concern, and that's not a line. I really do. But I have to play hardball – someone has to play hardball – or things will never change. As far as my relationship with Dorian goes, my choices for my personal life are just that – my choices."

Dorian lowered her drink as she tried to read between the lines. She admired Amelia's initiative, but obviously whomever Amelia was talking to was someone close enough to her that they felt comfortable telling her that they didn't approve of her so-called relationship, but not close enough to know the entirety of what was going on. At first she wondered if it was an ex-lover, but somehow Amelia sounded more like a daughter talking to her mother.

Dorian wondered. It couldn't be Nick. Dorian was pretty sure Nick knew everything there was to know about the situation.

"But it isn't your personal life, Amelia," came the soft but decisive answer. "This is your public – very public – and professional life. I know this could propel your career, but like I said, it could also destroy it just as easily."

"Please, stop being so negative. Do you have a personal problem with Dorian or something?"

Dorian's head jerked toward the double doors. Did the person that Amelia was talking to know her? That possibility in itself was another cause for worry.

"I just worry that you put too much faith in her. My problem isn't with Dorian, per se, but the fact that she is influencing your entire life right now."

"When other people aren't?" Amelia accused.

Dorian twitched on the inside in response to Amelia's tone. She felt a bit guilty for eavesdropping, but not guilty enough to regret it or stop.

Carla discerned what Amelia had implied. "I don't want you to be hurt. I couldn't be the person you needed. If Dorian can be, then blessings to both of you."

Amelia remained silent, recognizing the wisdom in the words spoken and the truth of her situation.

During the pause, Dorian gritted her teeth in frustration. Listening to this conversation – not knowing what it was all about – was driving her up the wall. In her mind, she started plotting the things she could say to Amelia to pull the details from her without divulging that she had been eavesdropping.

When Amelia said nothing, Carla spoke up again.

"I would be so happy for you … if you could find a real, lasting, meaningful relationship with someone you love, and who loves you in return – the way you need to be loved."

Amelia was quiet for a very long time. Dorian grew uneasy about the silence and peeked around the corner.

Amelia was sitting on the couch with her back to the foyer doors. She was still holding the phone to her ear, still listening, motionless.

A hundred responses raced through Amelia's mind – some of them sad, some angry, some grateful. She wanted to defend herself – to prove she was no longer the girl her mentor had known – but those were the words she could not find.

"Find a way … to do this the right way. Don't ever try to be someone that you aren't, and don't ask someone else to play that role either. The longer you try to attain those expectations, the harder it will be to hold everything in place. You know where I'm coming from."

Finally, Amelia spoke. All she could say was, "I'll keep your advice in mind."

Dorian didn't like the sound of that statement. She didn't think she was being paranoid in assuming that someone was trying to talk Amelia out of their upcoming nuptials, or even the way they were going about their campaign. It was ironic – Blair was talking Dorian into going through with it while Amelia's … friend? … was trying to talk her out of it.

Dorian didn't like the idea of someone trying to one up her behind her back. She wondered if Amelia knew someone who was friends with Viki. That was a startling possibility. There was no way in hell Dorian would let Viki's campaign undermine her own with this sort of psychological warfare. She was angry just thinking about the idea of it.

"You have my number? Call if you need anything."

Amelia knew she would not call, but answered, "Sure. I'll keep you updated..."

"No need to. I take The Banner, remember? Give my regards to your fiancée."

Amelia had no intention of doing so. "…Thanks for calling. Bye." Amelia cut off the conversation and seemed rather annoyed.

She hung up the phone, trying not to feel the contempt or pain that rose to the surface of her emotions when faced with the concerned truth of a person who cared about her, and who she valued. She knew Carla was right, but there had to be a way for Dorian and her to have their cake and eat it, too. She just had to think about it.

Frustrated, she slapped her laptop closed, just as the wheels in her mind began to turn.

As Amelia ended her call, Dorian took a few quiet steps backwards so that she could put on her smile, hide how volatile she felt, and enter the room as if just arriving from the kitchen.

#OLTL #One Life to Live #fanfic #A/U #Dorian Lord #Amelia Bennett #Carla Benari #Carla Gray #Carla Hall #throwback #Turning Leaves #Election Storyline

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years

Text

Life Story Part 52 (it’s been too long)

And so, after leaving my old life behind for a new school in Moscow, being that I for the first time in my life was taken away from my repetitive, abusive and small system that I had always known, I found myself at odds with myself in a way I had never really had to be before. Leaving Kendrick behind, though it might have been born from some kind of strange illusion that Kendrick alone was my only problem and that leaving that town would automatically boost me into stardom the likes of which those who had always known me could never have possibly imagined. This turned out not to be the case. But it still did me unimaginable good and is the reason I am able to write and conduct myself. Honestly, having left Kendrick when I did, having met the very specifically trained teachers that I was introduced to might have been one of the few things that kept me alive as long as I have been. It's most definitely the reason I am here, able to write about my life as I am.

I was busy getting on with my new life, but that doesn't mean that for one single instance, Zack wasn't still somewhere in my thoughts, and it might have been one of those tiny facets that helped me struggle through my new life in the Moscow alt. School. I still thought about Zack everyday, every morning I woke up to get ready for school and every night as I waited to sleep. In the night Kendrick air, I could sometimes hear the screeching of the wheels of a car so dilapidated it was a wonder it even drove. And I knew in my heart of hearts, it was Zack, at least half the time. And every time I looked up at the blue sky, I had this almost eerie imagine in my mind imprinted of looking up at him from the curb in front of the school parking lot, the trees in the backdrop an impossible golden orange, the sky a profoundly deep baby blue, and his eyes peering down at me. They say that feelings fade with time. Instead, it almost seemed as though the feelings I had had in my early teens only became more and more in depth the more that I grew. And it wasn't going away. I loved Zack still. I imagined he was partying with his friends, and surely by that time had more or less forgotten about me – while I was in class trying to get the gist of a new form of thinking that was exploding everything I knew and forcing me to face myself in a way that separated me from my lower middle class, upper lower class roots. It was very painful for me – it certainly didn't bring the best out at me at times, an in many ways to feel separated from myself, even more so than it separated me from everyone I had ever held dear.

And in that lonely sadness, I guess some spiritual desperateness sank in, and I tried my very best to reach out to him psychically some how in secret. And though I never saw Zack, I almost felt like he knew. There had to be some reason for us meeting in life. What had happened had not been ordinary. The fall of 2003 had been – looking back from 2005 almost supernatural in nature. Nobody knew that I was still in love with Zack. I guess for most people, something like that just couldn't make sense with how their emotional make up existed in the world, and I have always been one to sentimentalize everything to death. It was so born from my innermost mind, in the places that precede formed thoughts. I always felt that he received my brainwaves, at least subconsciously. I really believed that we had made a meaningful connection, like an eternal bond that could not be broken. I felt like he thought of me too. I don't know if that was truly my psychic knowing, or if it was simply something I made up to make life seem more meaningful. But that is how it was then.

Sarah used to work for this couple that lived up in the hills. Their names were Matt and Greg – a gay couple (controversial to the small town of Kendrick) that worked for the university and have nice jobs and a bit of land they lived on. Sarah's mother often times did work for them, and Sarah occasionally went up there as well to make extra money -often to pay for our gas, which I feel she ended up paying for more than I did. There was one day that I went up there to work with Sarah, and it was to be my first real day of hard work. This isn't to say that I hadn't been a hard worker up to that point or that I had not been given tasks that were challenging for me. Work for me was more commonly me standing in place, suffering in slow motion for no pay. And I had always been one to shirk physical labor – not so much out of laziness, but a feeling of defiance at being forced into things. Also, I had never been paid before. The work I had done over the years had always been my father using me as free labor, and there never seemed to be much of a connection for me between getting paid and doing stuff. It was something I had never entertained before really. Sarah told me that she was going to do some work up there that needed done and they needed a second hand. And they promised 10$ an hour, and I had never even been paid 3$. W got paid to carry these ten foot boards from a pile out in their driveway, all the way to this barn that was down the way, and then we needed to nicely stack them perfectly – which took us eight hours, and I nearly fell to pieces.

I made 80$ doing it, which of course I wasted – as I had rarely ever had that much money on me and didn't quite understand that charms of holding onto money and desperately wanted to spend it. You don't know how to be rich until you've had money. I distinctly recall that Matt and Greg's home was beautiful, and they were both – though fairly introverted, very nice as well. The inside of their house was rustic and old and new at the same time in this really tasteful way that demonstrated class. There was a lot of unconventional aspects of their house – rooms that you had to use a ladder to get to, there was a spiral staircase. Perfect light came in through the windows in some rooms that was an artists dream – you can't beat natural light. It was a very pleasant home – even though it was out in the middle of nowhere.

And then one day, I received a visit from an old friend, someone I never thought I would see again. I was sitting at my computer, minding my own business when I heard a knock at the door. There was a blonde girl standing there – who looked familiar and didn't at the same time, with another girl I didn't recognize. It was Rachelle, my childhood friend who moved away when I was in fourth or fifth grade – after which everything went to hell for me. She had come to visit with er mother in a very rare trip up north. The other girl was a friend of hers from Twin Falls. They had made a rare trip up here to see some people, and she had decided to knock on the old door to see if I still lived in the same home. I was sort of in shock, and I think in this really weird way, sort of defensive – which does sound rather odd, but it had been painful to lose her as a friend. It had certainly been one of the first major kicks in the teeth life had dished out to me in my early life. In my young mind, I had had to make her not exist anymore. It was the only way for me to carry on and start anew. And her standing at the doorway was the reminder that Rachelle was every bit alive and dynamic as she ever had been – we had simply been forcibly removed from each other's lives and we had on our own taken drastically different paths. It might too have been because I knew I had been the one who had stopped writing her. Rachelle had actually written me a few times in the first year or two of her move, and it had been I who had not responded to her letters, which must have hurt her feelings... And I had built walls around that discomfort. So for Rachelle to simply exist in real life after seven years was emotionally confusing for me and caused me to probably seem really dull and closed off.

I ended up traveling to the park with her and her friend. For the most part, it was a little awkward for me. I was clearly a much different person. I was very alternative, I liked The White Stripes a whole lot. Rachelle was very chatty, but mostly about how excited she was to be joining the cheerleading team, and how she had done some bad things, but was now getting her life back on track. She liked what was on the radio, she thought the guys in boy bands were attractive. She loved partying. She had recently lost her virginity, and like most young girls when they lose their virginity, it was mostly all that she wanted to talk about. I could tell her about the poetry of my unrequited love, but it was somehow so far removed from her exploits even though it was also on the topic of romance that it didn't seem proper to mention it. There are a lot of girls in school who, if you haven't slept with someone or intend to very soon, the feelings just don't seem that interesting in and of themselves, or relevant. And that was the sort of girl Rachelle was. And with everything that had happened with me all the years, I found it was difficult to relate to her. She'd partied a lot. I had spent most of my time secluded in my bedroom, hiding - contemplating. It was strange dynamic. And at one time, we had been nearly identical. If I had been older of course, I could have breached that border fairly easy, as I now have a sort of understanding that Paris Hilton and Quasi Moto have more in common deep down than one might think. But those terms of understanding didn't occur to me till a bit later on in life.

It ultimately ended as a brief and empty hello and a brief and empty goodbye. And of course, as I mentioned a while ago, Rachelle died on her 21st birthday of an Oxycontin overdose.

There were some things that disappointed me about my new school; it bothered me that nobody hated me – I was emotionally ill equipped to handle being assumed an equal to the degree that it seemed to border on mental illness for me and I longed in many ways for the times in which I stood before a classroom full of conservative right wing cowboys, basic small-town cheerleaders and a few methheads sprinkled in – all of whom hated me and gave me strength and a sense of purpose for that very reason. I needed to be hated. It's kind of how I came to be a person. It was the fish tank water that I was acclimated to, however unhealthy. To have people who looked you in the eye, who complimented your t-shirt, who listened to what you were saying it was all too much. I had never experienced such cognitive dissonance before in my life with who I thought myself to be versus how I was being treated, and I reacted like an insane child. It didn't show too much, but at times it did, and if anything kept me back from doing my best, this was probably my number one reason. I instinctively needed to be hated. It was also quite hard that I would have to read in front of my new classmates and actually do my work while I was in class rather than slack off as I had been for the last six or seven years. I had social anxiety to the extreme – to the point it almost caused me to pass out, and the only cure for it is if I knew others hated me – which would instantly both energize me and pacify me. It was a major culture shock for me not to be the weird one anymore. I had troubles not taking it as some kind of insult that people didn't regard me in some way as being the most despisible edgy one in the room anymore.

But I also was the work itself and how one came to prove anything that really got to me. I was those first three months of school, unable to conceptualize the meaning of a thesis. I understood the point nor the technique of it. I was sixteen and had no idea what anyone needed to prove anything for. I had always believed in whatever I felt was right. The idea of questioning one's sources of their beliefs was honestly something that nobody had ever suggested to me, and I emotionally apposed the very idea of proving your point with logic. Of course, to a degree we all use logic and the scientific method in life to ascertain information on a practical level, often without realizing that we are doing it. But to me, you killed art when you had to explain why things were the way they were. I was deeply offended at the idea of proving a thesis and I felt like the teachers in the alternative school were at war with who I was as an individual.

And maybe from a realistic standpoint one could argue that a person really doesn't need to be able to conceptualize and prove a thesis to get by in life. Most of our human ancestors didn't need to understand how to build a belief system grounded in reality. They relied on their perceptions and instincts. And in those perceptions and instincts, it can be argued that they were privvy to great truths. And much can be said for the beauty that is to be harnessed from the imagination of human beings, though it also is very much a matter of opinion, since that same form of thinking was what brought about religions and any excuse in the book to be all too cruel to one another. And I still don't meet many people who really truly want to be right in life for the sake of truth seeking. Most of the people I know who aren't very logical in their approach in life, want to be right so they can feel powerful or validated. It's also very discomforting and ego bruising. When you take a step into the world of logic, your perceptions are faulty and you are no longer the center of the universe.. It's a way of living that is very much rooted in personal experiences. This was literally all I knew. I don't think I ever applied logic to my beliefs. Silently, be I right or be I wrong, I was always basing all of my life decisions, my identity, my means of maneuvering through life only on gut instinct and assumptions alone. If I turned to someone else, I took what they said as if it were gospel, and I had only ever really done that with Zack. I was right because I was right. I didn't want to be made small by a world in which my ideas needed to be challenged.

However, I will still argue that personal experiences, feelings and gut instincts are not worthless in academia as some might argue. They are the source of what we even conceptualize and maybe still the first place we should look to when we are sorting out the intricate building blocks of ideas. As twelve years have passed since my time in the alternative school, I now don't see logic and emotion as being at odds with one another as I once did. Understanding music theory doesn't make someone a worse musician, nor do those it make those who don't understand music theory bad musicians. The perceptions of the common, dull and uneducated are not worthless. Their feelings and output has some value to the whole. I do not wish to cast aside the characters in my life who made me who I was up till the age of sixteen or what they taught me. But at the age of sixteen, I was forced to take an uncomfortable step outside of myself, and this step back was a turning point in my life that set me aside from the rest of my family. For many if not most young people around the age I was then, drugs and sex are the life changers. For me, it was actually learning to ask questions and to find answers which ended up taking me on a very philosophical path.

So, for this reason, my first major paper was a dismal disaster, and the second one was only a little better. We didn't get little multiple choice papers for homework. We really were only given three or four assignments for an entire semester, and those assignments had to be done well. They didn't accept D's. I had sometimes in life gotten by as a D student, and they had a system where D was not acceptable. You got 75% or higher, or you failed. It was as simple as that. I couldn't also just not do the work. If you didn't do the work, you would probably fail, and they would kick you out of school for it. So I knew I had to try. We had to go back over what we had done and assess our own work for weeks. We had to spend real time researching. And of course, I was so insecure with challenging my own assumptions and being made to feel wrong and all the insecurity and feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness that came with that that it was quite unpleasant for me at first, and made me panic emotionally and react quite rudely towards my teachers, who patiently put up with my ignorant retorts to their sensible attempts to gently adjust me to a world that I for the first time in my life, had to actually try at and put forth participation in.

My first essay was so dumb. It was basically, based on what Zack had told me, that freemasons ran the planet. I didn't know why I believed it, other than Zack had said it. I didn't even have the understanding to break it down to world economics, governments, war, media. I had no way of breaking down this argument because I didn't know how, but emotionally it was personal for me, since I wanted to hold onto everything Zack had once told me as being golden and pure and all-truthful. Why would I break a gift from someone I revered so much?

This was where I first came head to head with Mike, my teacher. These classes of his that we took I soon learned were more than your conventional classroom lessons. This school was low-key dedicated to reprogramming lower class kids, often from bad homes into actually being able to articulate their own thoughts and feelings and to make decisions that were complex and helped us escape our own destiny's. His goal was to take poor kids with little hope – such as myself, and turn us all into far more than what the public school curriculum wanted of us. He wanted to train us to excede the kids in public schools and actually ready us for college level work. So our essays and lessons were modeled after second or third year college courses in a university. Mike was a very rare sort of person in this way. I must have been a painful student to have. I made things really hard. I knew I was being manipulated and of course I fought back. But I owe him a lot – he was right and I was indeed wrong.

Mike also didn't much like or care for our parents – with the exception of a small handful in the room. He made it known, but was really crafty and close with us about how and why he felt that way. And for most of us, him and his wife Jenni, the school counselor who we signed up for the school in the first place with, they really were far more like parents. He seemed to study us and understand us like most teachers and parents never did. And he was able to work with each of us on an individual basis to help us become the most we could be. His intentions, I am more or less positive of, were to intentionally meant to systematically brainwash us against our alcoholic, selfish, overworked, lower class, methed out, emotionally crippled aged bitter crazy parents. So we could not only not only feel divorced from our troubled upbringings, but we could also become different people than they were. I think, in his own way, he wanted to rebuild society – though I am sure he knew it would not be enough. He went about this whole thing in a way that was very under the radar. We all learned to trust Mike and Jenni more than our families. Mike, Jenni, Mary Kay and the rest knew all of our personal lives. They knew more about us than our parents did. Soon, the school itself seemed more like home for me than home did – so even though I fought back against the school, the school became were I lived psychologically. I actually felt safer at school than I did anywhere else. Added to that, was I never was home anymore except at night to sleep and put my make up on in the morning, so I rarely saw my father or even my siblings. On weekends I spent all my time up at Sarah's house, and often times I just slept there instead. I was rapidly becoming a different person, or maybe it wasn't so much that I was becoming a different person, but I was molding into the person I had the potential of becoming.

I had of course, no way to prove that freemasons ran the planet, and by planet, what did I even mean? I spent an entire month looking at conspiracy theory websites, quoting them as fact, and siting no sources. They contradicted one another. They were often times written by anonymous unstable communists, or anonymous unstable right-wingers. I didn't even know how to make a real distinction. Often these articles didn't even have an author. They put Alex Jones himself to shame. We would sometimes be taken to this library that was part of the university. I think it held the title of the biggest library in the state of Idaho. It was many stories tall, and the stories themselves seemed enormous. You could easily spend a lifetime in there. It might have been one of the best places I had ever been to. Even in this library, I only found a few books that were about freemasons, and all of them were very difficult reads, often times talking about the different chapters of freemasons. What's more, I grew to learn that many of the old people in the town of Kendrick were masons. I knew them well, and there was no way that any of them held any malice or even enough understanding of society to have any real influence in it. In the end, I had a twenty page essay written about nothingness. My sentences didn't even flow very nicely. Out of all the students in that class, I seemed the most doomed to failure.

Perhaps, had I picked very specific ways of presenting the issues I seemed to think I believed in, and I had pulled them apart piece by piece and only picked one avenue that was provable, I might have had better luck instead of taking on the whole world. Heck even if freemasons did run the whole planet (they don't), it would have been impossible for me to make the case with the limitations that I had. The paper I ended up slaving over and handing in was worthless. And over the course of a grueling month, 120hours spent on this paper, a part of me was defeated. I fought with Mike the whole way. It took hours of one on one time of him sitting down with me, asking me questions, breaking down my mental frame of mind just to try to understand me enough to know how to communicate with me, and I fought him for most of it – because it hurt my pride to admit that I didn't know things. I wanted to prove to Mike that I was really somehow above the rest of the classmates – me, the conspiracy theorist – the one with her eyes wide open and the rest living in complete ignorance. They were prisoners of their own ignorance, and I some kind of truth teller. It really was something.

My second paper was on something almost as bad, but a little better. After the first month of writing and research, I wanted to pick something I actually cared about. The whole freemason thing, trying to research and find proof of the impossible had made me realize instinctively that believing in the conspiracy theory was something I did because Zack had wanted me to believe in it, and also because it fulfilled some kind of void in my own feelings. It represented that I did instinctively understand that there were things wrong with society. And as much as I didn't understand this on the first day of school, history was indeed very important. Mike gave me a C, even though we both kind of knew I had turned in a D- paper at the very best. The paper was absolutely ungradeable. He gave me the C because he knew I had problems at this point, and I think even the act of me finishing an assignment was such a jump from whatever I was used to, that he had to see it as a major improvement from who I had been when I first walked into their school. He didn't want to fail me before I had a chance to improve on what I had learned. The first paper was more of a lesson in life than it was a lesson of academics.

My second paper's thesis was about grunge music – again, something I cared about but indirectly related to Zack, only in the fact that he had always gone for being Kurt Cobain's twin. I wanted to point out that bands like Nickelback, Three Doors Down and such somehow took elements of grunge and somehow made it plastic and turned it into some kind of cliché product that sounded terrible. I focused mainly on how much I didn't like these bands. What I might have been trying to get at, though I lacked the knowledge or understanding on those terms, was to demonstrate the folly of how movements form and how they become their own worst enemies. I might have been making a case against capitalism, and against consumerism. I might have wanted to demonstrate or point out that integrity in art makes the end product better. But how could I prove any of that without actually having a philosophical opinion of Aesthetics that I could demonstrate and prove? Stand behind the fact that a band like Creed still does suck to me, how does one demonstrate that something factually sucks outside of their own perceptions of it. How can you possibly know if something is externally 'good' or not? I was an objectivist because I didn't know how to question myself. I just believed that when something felt good, or seemed good, it was good.

So then, I spent another month writing another enormous paper. I had thought that sifting through old music magazines, old articles about the bands I liked from the early 90's would be enjoyable, but it turns out, I hated writing about music. Who knew, since I love writing and I loved music, and I still write about it to a limited degree. But a lot of writing on art, film and music is pure hype and has no baring or meaning whatsoever. It could do little to prove my objective theory that what sounded good was good. As much as I hate Creed, how could I even really demonstrate what I was trying to say. I think the idea truly came to me to write about grunge from a place where I just wanted to talk about how awesome Mudhoney was. Because that was really all there was to it. I wanted to make my case.

I think if I wrote this paper today, I could have made some very valid points by pointing out how modern music is sold, advertised, how it is written, who decides what will be a hit. It is almost political and economic in a way. I could have taken it to the study of aesthetics itself and argued some kind of point. But I wouldn't have the egotism it took to think it was worth my time these days. I don't care if you like Creed. People can like whatever they want, and what doesn't speak to one person can mean an awful lot to another. I am not some kind of musical taste genius who has the right to go about trashing others tastes. Yes, I still have some opinions, but I grow everyday. There isn't too many days that roll by where I don't find something about my previous understanding that wasn't incomplete or incorrect in some way, and that's a good thing – not a bad thing. I really was just trying to prove how special I was for my interests here. It was coming from a far more legitimate place than the whole freemason thing came from, but it still was egotistical and lame. And spending this second month looking at a paper I was so tired of writing I could barely tolerate it, made me take the much needed step down from my pedestal. Mike gave me a C+ on this paper, and it probably was a C+ this time. I had gone through the grueling task of citing my sources, and being thorough in a few small points I tried to make, as limited in understanding as those points actually were.

On a side note, Mike also hated that kind of music so that helped. Though he had never really been into grunge. Mike was all about English punk music from the late 70's and early 80's. His favorite bands were The Jam and Billy Bragg.

I sort of hated Mike for the first month in a half. He had a way of getting inside your head. He was always ridiculously passionate about teaching us, ridiculously thorough in explaining or answering our questions, and he seemed very dedicated and relentless. I wasn't really allowed to escape being reprogrammed and nothing like this had ever happened before. As for Sarah, she struggled through it as well, but she was a lot more clear minded when it came to picking topics that weren't over the top egotistical that wouldn't destroy her mental framework. She ended up writing about atheism, which is a lot easier to examine, read about and write about than what I picked was. She didn't come head to head with Mike like I did. It wasn't that I ever yelled at Mike. I just tried to be obscure, was sarcastic when he asked questions. I would just shake my head no at him. I would likely be embarrassed if I had a visual of my proud ignorance and reactionary emotional response to everything he tried to help me with.

Many of the other students had been going to school at the alternative school for years, and working through these essays was something they were capable of doing. Many of these kids I would have assumed were somehow inferior to me in some way, they had drug issues, their were a few pregnant girls in the mix. Their lives were rough. Some of them were emancipated or had mental health problems. I had problems too, but I had this way of dealing with it that was almost like I was somehow perfect and other people were less than me. It had come upon me slowly growing up. It wasn't that I was not humbled often, or a kind person. I was. But I had learned some bad habits of believing myself to be superior – half of it based on Zack telling me I was special. In reality, my fragile baseless sense of superiority probably made me more fragile than the rest of these students.

These young girls and boys I went to class with were ten times tougher than me, more emotionally balanced – and had had it rougher than me in many ways. Even if their problems were ongoing and made their lives difficult, even if they had criminal records and babies at home who they didn't know who the fathers were, they were much more balanced than I was. They knew their own faults and worked on them everyday. They said what the felt and their was a sense of honesty and care that they put towards one another. I was far more lost then them, and after awhile, I came to realize this for what it was. And most of them understood what it meant to prove their point with evidence. They also struggled with Mike at some point, but they figured it out. And Mike had taught a lot of them how to care. They often chose to write about problems related to the criminal justice system, healthcare, the environment, the war on drugs – the kinds of things that impact the poor the most, but somehow seem to be the least understood by the poor and those who are most effected by it. Things I knew very little about. I had struggled, but instead of facing what had happened, I had somehow been taken in by a fantasy land around the time that I had met Zack. I was actually put to shame by these warrior like other girls, and Mike was creating informed citizens out of these so called leftovers of society.

He also didn't let us treat each other badly. Nobody was ever rude to me for that entire year. There were no situations where I was sexually harassed. I was given space. People were good natured towards me. I didn't have a lot in common with these students. Many of them were into the Grateful Dead and third wave ska. I just wasn't. By nature, I tend to be a little bit more exacting and darker by nature. But they were all nice to me. The few who didn't seem to be able to know how to be kind left within three weeks. As soon as he saw one young guy say something rude to another girl, he looked that boy straight in the eye during class, told him to take his things and leave. He didn't give warnings. You either respected one another or you left. There was even a time when one of the stranger girls in the class who seemed to have emotional outbursts every four seconds, who came from an abusive environment and seemed to want attention often wrote an essay about how much she loved her grandfather. She started crying in class as she read it, and due to the highly emotional nature of this essay, many people in the class – though they said nothing and didn't react openly, seemed taken aback and nervous by her essay. It probably made a few of them make microexpressions of distaste. You can feel that very clearly in a room of people. Mike didn't let this pass. I never knew a teacher who jumped at this. He explained what we had done, and he warned us all that he could tell that we had judged her and laughed at her and made her feel anxious and small. We didn't need to say anything. We had done it with our eyes.

Lastly, I struggled with my diet. Over the summer, I had been free to starve, to control everything I ate and did. I had managed to lose fifteen pounds even with the mysterious health problems of being unable to lose weight like most people. Spending all this time in class prevented me from getting the exercise I needed. I craved sugar so much it made me shake. And there was always free cake in the kitchen. So I ended up eating too much cake. I probably needed the calories. I spent money on ice cream. If I didn't eat the adequate amount of sugar, I found I would feel frantic and mentally unstable. I needed all the focus I could get to focus on my essays. And so, I started gaining weight again. At times, I would become frustrated and angry. I envied how thin Sarah always managed to stay. It seemed unfair. I felt ugly, and not being able to do the dieting and exercise I needed.

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