#amy wills the doctor back into existence because she loves her best friend so much

[sandymybeloved]

moffat stories always save the day with big important spee- WRONG the day is most often saved by people who love each other so much, no enemy however big, no obstacle however insurrmountable, sometimes not even death, can stop them from saving each other

[amelia]

related to that last ask but now i actually have a question! what are your favourite episodes for amy as a character? (sorry if i’m pestering you btw you don’t have to answer right away ❣️)

it is absolutely never a bother for me to talk about amy pond!! gosh though this is a Question. okay. i did interpret this as episodes that are my favorite for the lens of My Understanding Of Amy instead of favorite pond era episodes as a whole if that makes sense? under the cut bc i got long as i tend to do

i think my number 1 has to be the big bang, because it really is just like. okay, pond era absolutely runs into the problem of frequently making stories/episodes that should be centered around amy's emotional journey actually about somebody else — but the big bang is all hers. it is all on her! she's leading the show SHE'S the one in the pandorica SHE'S the one who remembers the doctor into existence it is HER choice to say goodbye to leadworth and continue to travel completely without remorse SHE IS THE HERO. it goes from "time can be rewritten, he'll find a way" to AMY being the one who finds the way. rory and river and the doctor all of course get their Moments but it's unquestionably amy's spotlight moment the whole way through

i have also ALWAYSSS been obsessed with starless universe amelia and the way that she still believes in stars in a world where they DON'T EXIST the power of her mind and the conviction of her beliefs is a CORE TENET of amy's character, the doctor has NOTHING to do with it!!! it's just who she is !!! best character of all time <3

other things about the amy's writing in this episode i love: the line "the universe pouring into her dreams every night," space florida outfit <3, ok i obviously do not love this but i think so much about amy talking about the doctor at her wedding and her mother is still like "NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN… i thought the psychiatrists FIXED her" like once again !!! a UNIVERSAL CONSTANT that amy is the one who believes in things nobody else does and is LOUD about it and is RIGHT !!! (let's kill hitler tried to retcon this but it simply won't work on me ❤️ just like anything else about the let's kill hitler flashbacks ❤️❤️❤️), OKAY DOCTOR DID I SURPRISE YOU THIS TIME? <3

number 2, i think, is the eleventh hour itself? like it's just… i've rewatched it so many times and it's still the most captivating character introduction i have ever seen. i know i'm biased but i love it so much. her introduction as a clearly neglected seven year old girl (constantly think about the deleted line that has her talking to aunt sharon and saying "you're not supposed to leave me, i'm seven!" WOOF) who's not afraid of anything except for the crack in her wall… she has drawings up all over her house of burning houses, she draws smiley faces into her apples bc her mom used to do that, she can cook for herself way better than i could at seven, and she desperately just wants to leave. but when the doctor tells her he'll be back in five minutes, amy is already so used to adults leaving her and breaking their promises that she doesn't believe him. but he makes her believe anyway. and he doesn't come back.

and all of the rest of her character hinges on that introduction — of course she has to believe him, he was REAL, nobody can take his realness away from her even if she is the only one who believes. but he also left her all alone for so long, just like everyone else who was supposed to be there for her did, so what good does that to her? so yeah of course she grows up angry and bitter and hiding those layers of hurt deeply under the surface, scorning all attachment and serious relationships because she knows she can't trust them. she outwardly distances herself from her childhood self by changing her name but she IS still just such a child inside.

she's not ready to settle, to grow up, to become what everyone in her tiny village wants her to be, thinks that she should be — so when she gets the chance to GO, of course she takes it. but she's also not just going to let the doctor off the hook for [gestures] her entire life, you know? the exchanges "people always say that" "i'm not people, do i even look like people?" | "people always have a reason" "do i look like people?" "Yes." always just GUT ME. she may trust him but it's NOT a blind trust, it can't be.

number 3 has to be the beast below it just makes me SCREAM how good that episode is at really developing amy through her compassion for other people — right from the start she sees that kid crying and she thinks the doctor must ignore stuff like this all the time, and she says that she could never do that. she's learning and intuiting leaps and bounds about the doctor with everything he says to her — which is another one of my favorite amy character traits, the way she is SO quick to pick up on things about other people and analyze them. everything that she picks up about the doctor allows her to KNOW what to do to save the star whale, allows her to be confident in the fact that the star whale wanted to help the whole time. the choice is IN HER HANDS she IS THE HERO <3 as she always should be. you couldn't just stand there and watch people cry! all that pain and misery and loneliness and it MADE IT KIND. i don't care how overused that quote is it still HITS !!!

um. number 4 is the girl who waited but my very specific headcanon-ridden interpretation and cutting out all that garbage "rory's the most beautiful man i've ever met" "defying destiny causality the nexus of time itself for a boy" bullshit. idk there's so many terrible things about this episode but it also gave me so much to think about when it comes to amy it's on my mind a LOT. one thing i think about is the way it parallels amy's first abandonment by the doctor — not just in the obvious sense but in the way that she's actively fighting for her life in a hostile atmosphere, but nobody else SEES it as a hostile atmosphere. the two streams facility is leadworth like it really is. and what adds a more chilling component is the way the handbots signature line is "do not be alarmed, this is a kindness" — like all the people who were trying to convince amy she was crazy throughout her entire childhood really thought they were doing her a kindness. they thought they were helping her. but they were killing her. because she wasn't made for that environment.

beyond that i am just obsessed with 36-years-later amy she is an icon she is a legend she is the moment i don't care! every mean thing she said about the doctor and rory was absolutely deserved and in fact she should have been so much meaner! she is SO SMART she makes her own SONIC PROBES OUT OF CAMERA PHONES the fact that she even was able to SURVIVE THAT LONG and in COMPLETE isolation and still retain her own mental faculties is just insane to me it speaks so much about her insane mental strength oh my god it makes me sooo emotional i am tearing up a little typing this right now.

i just am always THINKING about the line "there he is, the voice of god. number one lesson: survive, because no one's coming for you. you taught me that" it says SO MUCH about her. oh my god older amy didn't want to die she'll be kicking and screaming and fighting til the end… i fucking hate this show and picking and choosing when paradoxes should apply OLDER AMY DESERVED TO LIVE

number 5 is probably the power of three but my own very headcanon infused interpretation of it. because it's like. the ultimate miscommunication/misunderstanding that exists between amy and the doctor coming to a head. where amy in 7.02 is like "i can't not wait for you, even now. (…) we think you're weaning us off you" (that line always makes me slow exhale … the phrasing of the doctor as a drug) and the doctor keeps insisting that's not true, "you'll be there until the end of me" "or vice versa" (and they have that loaded held stare and you know they're both thinking about what he said to her before he left in the god complex…)

but it's not until this episode where amy starts to actually believe he means it. at the same time she's spent so much TIME preparing for the inevitable moment where the doctor says goodbye and doesn't say hello ever again that she's not willing to fully hope that the doctor really means it when he says that he would never leave her permanently on purpose. and i love that this episode gives amy a lot of space to verbally communicate her emotions because the later pond episodes SORELY LACK THAT. and amy tells him, don't be nice to me, don't stop coming around just because you think that's the kind thing to do. even though she says herself that she doesn't know if she can have "both" — she knows that she can tell the doctor to stay, in her own way, and that he'll listen.

ideally they would have just gone off traveling together forever after that and the angels take manhattan did not happen but unlike what the doctor says about amy, i don't ever get what i want 🙃

also, this episode gave amy friends that weren't rory or the doctor or river so i love it for that on principal <3 i know amy had fun being the bridesmaid at laura's lesbian wedding. and kate!!

( i do hate that this episode ends with that conversation between brian and the doctor. i hate brian as a character and i will forever. won't get into this right now but OUGH )

honestly this list is kind of wobbly and might change if you asked me in a month so i'll just rattle off other favorite episodes / moments real quickly: the good night minisode (it counts!), RIVER SONG DIDN'T GET IT ALL FROM YOU SWEETIE (timeline frozen amy my beloved!), "i remember it so it happened so i did it," vincent and the doctor specifically when vincent tells amy that he hears the song of her sadness…. ow, i could write a whole other essay about amy's choice and how it is so much more complex than people give it credit for but this post is already so goddamn long

[might-be-a-zygon]

Ohhhh Thasmin and "are you kidding me?! you're not 'fine'!" OR River/13 and "i can't believe i almost lost you

This one got away from me a little, I’ll admit. It’s pretty angsty and features a lot of (canon) character death, so fair warning on that one.

I’ll add an AO3 link in the reblogs!

---

The Ghosts That Broke My Heart

Sleep had always been a funny thing for the Doctor.  She certainly needed a lot less of it than her human friends, but it had always been a reliable break from whatever life chose to throw at her that week. She had dreams, like everyone did, but there was one thing which the Doctor didn’t really do.

She didn’t have nightmares.

Really, what would she have them about? The Doctor faced the creatures of nightmares every day. To some species, the Doctor was a creature of nightmares.

Still, after what had happened on Gallifrey? She’d found the creatures that could jolt her awake screaming.

Ghosts.

Whatever she’d done to overload the matrix had broken centuries of carefully constructed barriers, holding back the people she’d lost, and now her mind saw fit to make her relive each dark moment whenever she let her guard down to try and sleep.

It had started out right away- that first night in the Jadoon prison she’d laid down on the slab that passed for a bed, and closed her eyes to sleep.

“What does that mean?”

Jenny was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet, all wide-eyes and excited smiles. The Doctor could recognise a lot of her own nervous energy in the young woman- ready to go off and explore the brave new world that awaited them. She also saw the gunman poised to take all that away in a moment.

It was like she was watching through thick glass. Poised on the sidelines, watching her past selves getting it all wrong over and over, but helpless to interfere. She slammed her palm against it, sending a too-real shooting pain through her arm, but making no audible sound.

“It means a new world.”

Sandshoes was grinning now, more genuine hope than she could ever really remember feeling shining in those eyes. He’d burned in the end- she remembered that much. He’d been angry. Vengeful.

The Timelord Victorious.  

How different might things have been if he’d just turned around? The Doctor tried to speak, to shout for him to get her out of the way. Her voice didn’t make a sound.

She watched the happiness melt from Jenny’s face, even as Sandshoes maintained his stupid, complacent grin. The Doctor was pounding on the glass now, silently screaming that it wasn’t worth it, but of course she couldn’t change it. Jenny shoved Sandshoes out of the way, the bullet striking her square in the chest. Martha- brilliant Martha who she’d never once deserved- she knew right away there was no chance. She watched her past-self hold their dying daughter, and tell her of a future she’d never see, already knowing she was beyond saving. Lies had always fallen too easily from her tongue.

“You’re gonna be amazing, you hear me, Jenny?”

Had she even heard?

 That first night, when she woke with a whine, curled up into a tight ball on her uncomfortable prison bed, the Doctor had attributed it to stress. She’d jumped haphazardly from Byron, to the cybermen, to Gallifrey, to prison with no time to clear her head. The Master always did funny things to her mind, anyway, it was normal there’d be some aftereffects.

Her hand ached from where she’d been slamming it into the ‘bed’.

She tried to shake the traitorous vision of Jenny- bright, young Jenny with so much potential sacrificing herself for the father she hardly knew. The father who would go on to do so much damage.

Against her better judgement, she’d turned over, and tried to get to sleep again. It was the last time she made that mistake.

 The first thing the Doctor heard this time, was screaming.

She was on a ship, which certainly wasn’t her TARDIS. It took her a minute to recognise the place- but, maybe that made the whole thing even worse. Somebody was screaming for her help, and she couldn’t even remember who it was.

She stood there, behind whatever barrier her mind had constructed to stop her interfering, and watched the doddering old fool she’d been back then just stand there while a good woman was in trouble just feet away. She could have reopened the airlock doors- she’d known how- but she’d been so desperate to look for a way around it, that she’d left Katarina there screaming.

“Change course.” The Doctor in front of her finally ordered. “Take him back to Kembel. Take him back to Kembel! Let the Daleks deal with him.”

In that moment the Doctor looked into her own eyes and saw a spark of that ruthless fire which would one day burn galaxies. It was that same fire that made her risk tearing time apart for Clara Oswald- the fire that burned too brightly. If she was feeling generous, she might have called it admirable, that she was willing to fight so unbelievably hard for the people she loved.

Right now, she called it selfishness.

Steven stepped towards the old Doctor, his anger doing a poor job at masking his fear. “Yes, and us!”

“Don't worry, dear boy, We'll find a way out.” The Doctor cringed at her first face (or, the first face she remembered), while standing in her glass prison. Her methods of comfort hadn’t come on any in three thousand years. She was still a liar.

Both of the men who’d been with her bck then had been afraid. Bret had even tried arguing with her, but the Doctor had never been an easy person to argue with.

“I can't sacrifice everything for the sake of that one girl.” He argued, still at the controls. Luckily, she was spared the embarrassment of having to watch her former self argue by Steven stepping in.

“Listen! Without us you wouldn't have got off Kembel at all, and nothing would be worth bothering about!”

“All right, so we all go back together. But without me, I doubt that you would have got this far either.” Bret had given in quickly enough, and all the while the Doctor just stood and watched, and listened to Katarina’s frightened screaming in the airlock.

She watched as Katarina broke free and hit the release for the airlock. She watched as both her and Kirksen were sucked out into space. She watched, and knew that that girl- that girl who was so brave in the face of so much danger- had sacrificed herself so the three of them could get away.

Her hearts ached, as she thought of a dozen ways she could have saved her, if she’d tried harder.

“She wanted to save our lives and perhaps the lives of all the other beings of the Solar System.” The old Doctor in front of her began to make his silly speech, and the Doctor turned away, revolted at her own self-importance. “I hope she's found her Perfection. Oh, how I shall always remember her as one of the Daughters of the Gods. Yes, as one of the Daughters of the Gods.”

Rule one.

She hadn’t thought about Katarina in centuries. That poor, brave woman, who had made the ultimate sacrifice to keep them all alive, and the Doctor hadn’t even bothered to remember her.

 The Doctor had awoken, still curled up on that cold stone slab, unable to shake the revulsion at her own actions. Was she still like that man? So pompous as to think that every being in the universe made their decisions based around her.

She hadn’t tried to sleep again, after that, shifting to lay on her back, staring at the celling, and trying to shake what somewhere, deep down, she knew.

There were very, very good reasons, she was in prison.

 At first, it was always death. Faces she’d remembered, and ones she’d long since forgotten, all meeting their end because the Doctor had failed to save them.

 “It snapped my neck, Sir. It wasn’t as painless as I expected, but it was pretty quick, so that was something.”

Angel Bob.

The Doctor had forgotten all about Angel Bob. He was young, and clever, and he was so scared, and she had just walked away and forgotten all about him, as though he’d never even existed.

She could see the look on the faces of the others- the muted horror on River’s, and the more pronounced look of it on her mother’s, as well as the well-managed grief of the soldiers who’d fought with him. They were all ghosts, now. Amy, River, the soldiers. All blown away like smoke on the wind.

“If you’re dead how can I be talking to you?” She tried not to think about the genuine interest her former self’s voice held in that moment- a man had just died, and Bowtie was curious about the mechanics.

“You’re not talking to me, Sir. The angel has no voice. It stripped my cerebral cortex from my body and reanimated a version of my consciousness to communicate with you. Sorry about the confusion.”

She tried her absolute best not to think too hard about how conscious the original Bob was at that moment. Had he known what had happened to him? Had he felt the angels turn him into their puppet?

She watched as Bowtie told them all to run- to run into the maze of weeping angels with no plan, and to just trust him, and she watched as he stopped behind to defend himself.

“Yes, I called you an idiot, and I’m sorry-“ He didn’t sound sorry at all, but the Doctor in her glass cage watching it play out certainly was, “But I couldn’t have saved your men.”

“I know that, Sir. And when you’ve flown off in your little blue box, I’ll explain that to their families.”

She watched, sick to her stomach, as Bowtie smirked.

 “I’ll have to tell his mother.”

Seeing Rose, even after all this time, was still painful. This was only the second day they’d met, back before they’d travelled together.  Before she’d managed to soften the war ravaged Doctor standing in front of her now.

The Ears had been one of her shortest lived, and angriest faces, and the ways he’d treated people were downright cruel at times. She saw the questioning look he gave Rose, clueless in the face of Mickey’s apparent demise, and why she’d be at all upset.

Why Rose hadn’t walked away then and there would forever be a mystery to the Doctor. She’d never once deserved that kind of love.

“Mickey” I’ll have to tell his mother he’s dead, and you just went and forgot him, again! You were right, you are alien.”

Alien didn’t have to mean cruel, though. So why did callousness seem to come so easily to her? Maybe it was just the sheer amount of death she’d witnessed, but it still hurt to see. She had to keep reminding herself that this death, at least, hadn’t been real- that Mickey was alive and living on earth, raising a son with his dad’s eyes and his mum’s brains who’d have the whole world talking in a few years.

At least it was a good reminder of why she was staying away from August Smith.

“Look, if I did forget some kid called Mickey-“

“Yeah, he’s not a kid-“

The Ears cut Rose off before she could keep speaking, but the Doctor watching from the side-lines found herself nodding in agreement. Rose was right. Of course Rose was right.

“It’s because I’m busy trying to save the life of every stupid ape blundering about on top of this planet! Alright?”

“Alright!”

“Yes, it is!” Ears sounded insufferably smug.

The Doctor shook her head in disgust, glancing at Rose and quietly muttering, “Why did you ever put up with me?”

 “Look out!”

It was another voice she hadn’t heard in a long time, and one she’d frankly been dreading hearing. If Nyssa was here she had a good idea of what she was about to see. She saw the cybermen coming up behind her back, while her fifth-self fumbled with the controls. It was as good as useless.

A cyberman lumbered up behind her, and her past-self ignored it completely, leaving Nyssa to have to shoot it down with a discarded cyberweapon. She was once again saved by a more competent friend, and her own hypocrisy when it came to guns.

She wasn’t sure she’d ever even thanked Nyssa for saving her life.

“I must save Adric!”

Stuck in the corner, exhausted and emotionally drained, the Doctor was just glad that, while she was having to watch another of her failures, this version of herself was at the very least trying.

“Look!”

“Adric.”

The screen came to life, and the Doctor tried to shut her eyes so she wouldn’t have to watch, but of course it didn’t work- in her dreams she wouldn’t be allowed to block out the parts she didn’t want to see. The only consolation was that she wouldn’t have to look him in the eyes.

She’d always been cowardly like that.

She watched as the ship began to come apart- watched as Tegan and Nyssa held each other, and Celery just stood there gawping like a fish who couldn’t believe his own incompetence.

She still remembered that feeling- like someone had clawed the hearts out of her chest and shown them to her. Back then, it’d been such a long time since she’d really lost someone that she wasn’t used to the pain of it anymore.

When had she become careless enough that death just bounced off of her?

 It only took ten days of reliving her worst moments before the Doctor had begun actively fighting sleep. Prison, at least, was a safe enough place to do it. She’d pace her cell at night to keep herself from drifting off- reciting books she knew by heart, or just talking to herself to keep her eyes from closing for too long. During the day, she’d do the same- chatting to the other prisoners, pacing, never letting herself remain still for fear of finally giving into the exhaustion which seemed to have seeped into her bones.

Of course, even a Time Lord (if she could even call herself one anymore), couldn’t stay awake forever. After weeks of forcing her eyes to stay open, she’d eventually collapse, usually when she was in her cell, if she was lucky, and she’d endure another walkthrough her past- too exhausted to even wake up- before being woken by the prison systems to begin all over again.

After a while she’d slip into waking dreams, too exhausted to even think straight. She’d sit in her cell, nutrient block in hand, while her sleep deprived mind played out snippets of her life, a few seconds at a time, while she fought to wake up enough to dismiss the visions.

 At first, when she next saw herself- sitting on a bench, eating chips, she thought maybe this was just her mind crying out for some real food. It was easy to forget the specifics of what had been discussed all those years before, after twenty years sitting in a cell.

“She scares me.” Came Bill’s voice from next to the older-Doctor, quiet in its honesty. Admitting you were scared was something so few people ever did- least of all when they were around the Doctor, and being brave was so important, but Bill had never been afraid to admit it to her. She’d been strong like that. “Like. She really scares me.”

As much as she still, after all this time, wanted the Master to be everything she knew he could be, it was hard to deny how right Bill had been to be afraid. After all- it was the Master who’d handed her over to the cybermen, in the end, just not the version she’d feared.

“Okay. Just, promise me one thing, yeah? Just promise you won’t get me killed.”

“I can’t promise you that!” Eyebrows had laughed at her, as though her concerns were something flippant. As though her fear was something worth laughing at. He’d been right, in the end, he hadn’t been able to keep Bill alive, but it was horrible looking back at it now.

The Doctor had managed to shock herself back into reality, but she hadn’t been able to shake the self-contempt that settled in her hearts.

 Most of the time, those waking nightmares came while she was stuck sitting around, waiting for the time to come that she’d be allowed out into her tiny cube of the exercise yard, just for something to break up the routine of sitting alone, and thinking about death.

 “I keep remembering all the people I’ve killed. Every day I think of more. Being bad- Being bad drowned that out. I didn’t know I even knew their names. You didn’t tell me about this bit.”

“I’m sorry, but this is good.”

“Okay.”

The Doctor watched herself hold her self-ascribed goodness over her oldest friend, and couldn’t help but wonder if this wasn’t what had driven the Master to the depths of madness he’d displayed on Gallifrey. She might have lorded it as a good thing back then, but she was quickly learning the types of things that isolation, imprisonment, and guilt could do to the mind. If she got out of prison with her sanity, she’d count it a blessing.

 She’d dreamt about Missy a lot, after a while. The longer she stayed locked up, the more her guild-addled mind saw fit to remind her of her stint as jailor.

On those nights she was too exhausted to keep her eyes open, the Doctor saw herself through the glass again. It was her twelfth face- well, the twelfth she remembered- the one with the angry eyebrows and the trusting nature. She saw Missy standing there, looking more dishevelled than she had before the vault, standing so close to the forcefield that it was rippling. She looked strangely earnest despite the pantomime of madness she put o- as though she was proud of herself for actually helping.

She watched as Eyebrows shoved Bill back away from Missy, not seeming to care much about how what had just transpired had clearly affected her. She’d never been good enough for Bill- the kind, inquisitive girl who’d gone out of her way to buy the Doctor Christmas presents and who’d called her grandad, and who she’d promised she wouldn’t get killed. Bill who had been so strong, who had fought off the monks and the cybermen by sheer force of will. Bill who’d deserved so much more than what the Doctor had given to her.

She watched Eyebrows walk up to that rippling forcefield, and look his oldest friend in the eyes like she was still the monster she pretended to be.

“Even if that was the truth the fact that you’re suggesting it shows that there’s been no change. No hope. No point.”

Eyebrows sounded angry, and the Doctor winced slightly at that. How was the Master ever supposed to change with the Doctor constantly telling her that her progress meant nothing? Was that why she’d given up in the end? It had to be easier to go back to what you’d known before rather than being constantly strung along and put down by someone who had promised to help you become better.

Missy’s face contorted for a moment. The Doctor left her here for months, all alone in this dusty room with almost nothing, and then he’d turned up just to talk to her like this? Her Twelfth face was one of the few she’d always thought of as good- or, if not good, at least kind. Sandshoes had been angry from the war and from everything he’d lost, but Eyebrows had tried so hard to be kind. Was this really what her version of kind did to people?

After her own stint in prison, leaving Missy trapped like this for so long was beginning to seem more and more cruel. She’d wanted to help people, she really had, but it wasn’t as though her friend had come to her and asked. She’d saved her, and then abused that power, keeping her prisoner for decades to try and make her into something she’d never tried to be. It was hard, knowing what had later become of the Master, not to wonder what all that time in the vault had done to their already fragile mental state.  How much had she contributed to his snapping and destroying their home?

Looking at it like that how was the Doctor any better than the Jadoon? And how was Missy running off with the Master much different from her running with Jac They’d both been escaping jailors who kept them confined alone for long enough to drive them half-mad.

“We don’t sacrifice people.” The scene playing out in front of her was hardly easy, but the Doctor laughed anyway, because the irony of that wasn’t lost on her. She’d let so many people die for her as Rainbows that Eyebrows’ words felt hollow. “It’s wrong because it’s easy.”

“Back in the day I’d burn an entire city to the ground just to see the pretty shapes the smoke made. I’m sorry your plus one doesn’t get a happy ending, but like it or not I just saved this world because I want to change.”

There was a forced lightness to Missy’s voice, almost undetectable unless you really knew her well- and the Doctor knew her better than anybody. It’d been a cry for help, of sorts- she’d wanted her friend back, and Eyebrows had ignored her. She’d saved the world- the Doctor would have likely spent months searching for infected water supplies and food chains following up his own stupid theories, and Missy had told him the answer freely, and without reward. She’d saved the world and he’d told her there was no hope for her- no wonder she’d run.

“Your version of good is not absolute.” She continued, her fingers pushing slightly against the forcefield now. The Doctor watched it ripple from behind he own glass patrician, and she knew the look in Missy’s eyes far too well. If that forcefield had been replaced with glowing blue bars it could have been her in her own cell. At least during her imprisonment she hadn’t had to live with the knowledge that her oldest friend was her jailor. “It’s vain, arrogant, and sentimental.”

Vain, arrogant and sentimental.

She always had said the Master knew her soul a little too well.

 Once the spectre of death faded, somewhat, it was her own shortcomings her subconscious decided to force onto her. Those moments when she’d forced others into complying with what she’d wanted- as though that was always her decision to make.

She was the Doctor, after all. Who would ever dare to question her whims as anything less than genius?

 “You know you can fix that chameleon circuit if you just tried hot-wiring the fragment links and superseding the binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary binary-“

Not this. Not Donna. How was this fair? At least with Jenny she hadn’t seen the gunman. She could see it in her past-self’s face that he knew this was killing her, and he was just standing there like an idiot, watching it happen. He could have stepped in sooner.

“I’m fine.” Donna was showing off that big grin, back to talking a mile-a-minute. The Doctor had always wondered if on some level she knew what this would do. She had all of that knowledge inside her head, it must have been somewhere in her all along that she’d become an impossible thing.

She didn’t pound on the glass or scream this time, watching her own past unfold with her hand pressed up against it. She mouthed I’m sorry, but no sound came out.

“I bet he’s great, Charlie Chaplin. Shall we do that? Shall we go see Charlie Chaplin? Shall we? Charlie Chaplin. Charlie Chester. Charlie Brown- no he’s fiction-“ She watched as Donna pranced around, playing with the console and the phone. This wasn’t quite Donna- not really. This Donna was far too Doctor- maybe that was why she found it so unsettling, seeing her charming, funny, irreverent friend talking like someone she hated.

“Friction, fiction, fixing, mixing, Rickston, Brixton-“ Donna cut off with a gasp, and the Doctor wanted to slap Sandshoes for leaving her in this state. She had to be scared, and he wasn’t even bothering to explain it to her. Of course, with that much of the Doctor’s mind burning through her own, Donna had probably understood it all already, but there was still something to be said for compassion in a situation as horrific as this one.

“I was gonna be with you forever.” The sadness in Donna’s eyes spoke volumes. She’d trusted the Doctor so much, had so much planned for them, and it was all the Doctor’s fault.

If her hearts hadn’t already shattered they did now. Nobody ever stayed with her forever- not really. Even if she wanted them to, she’d always destroy them before they got a chance.

She was on the floor, kneeling on the dirty floor of a TARDIS she’d long since tried to forget. When had that happened?

“I know.”

She screwed her eyes shut, grateful that this time, at least, she managed to block out the visuals- maybe because this time, the sound of Donna begging for something the Doctor was too selfish to give her was enough. She wouldn’t watch Sandshoes lie to her like that- like he’d lied to Jenny, and to Bob, and to Steven. Pretty words to ease the pain she was about to put her through.

“I can’t go back. Doctor. Please. Please don’t make me go back.”

Listening to her beg wasn’t any easier than watching it. Or living it- especially now she knew just how painful it was to have your memories taken from you. Gallifrey may have erased her path, but she’d run roughshod over her friend’s mind just as carelessly.

“Donna Noble. I am so sorry. But we had the best of times.” Was that supposed to make either of them feel better? She’d been so self-righteous back then. The Doctor opened her eyes again, and regretted it almost immediately, curling in on herself behind her little partition. “Goodbye.”

“No. No! No please! No. No! No!”

 Staying awake proved easier once she’d left prison.

During her incarceration, it had only been the thought of getting home to her fam which had really kept her going, so having Yaz back at her side was a real boost to her mood, which kept those waking nightmares at bay.

The running helped too- adrenaline in her system keeping the more dangerous effects of her sleep-deprivation at bay. Still, it didn’t mean that nights didn’t come where she came down from that high of finally being able to help again, and her tiredness came crashing down on her like a crushing weight.

This time, it came after a particularly harsh day.

She was getting sloppy in her exhausted state, and that sloppiness had put Yaz in far greater danger than she’d ever wanted to risk again. She’d told herself, that after the cybermen, and the daleks, she’d be more careful, but then all of a sudden there they were, stuck in a trap she should have been able to spot, if she was thinking clearly.

They’d been held hostage for longer than she was willing to admit- some scrapper who was very keen on getting hold of the TARDIS- not that he really knew what it was or what significance it held. No, for this man the greatest ship in the universe was worth some spare parts, and whatever the scrap value of its base components was.

They’d gotten out, in the end, but it wasn’t as though she could even take credit for that- it was quick thinking on Yaz’s part which had distracted their attacker for long enough for them to get to the TARDIS. As impressive as it was, it was still terrifying to see Yaz be so like her in the way she acted. The last person who’d wanted to be the Doctor had gotten killed trying to do so.

She’d hardly said a word once they returned to the ship, trying her best to ignore the furtive looks of concern she kept getting. She slipped off to the library alone when Yaz went to make a cup of tea, getting there on her fourth attempt (since the TARDIS seemed insistent on placing her room behind every door she opened), and counting on the near-infinite nature of the TARDIS rooms to hide her for a while. She needed a little space while she cleared her head and tried to get rid of some of the overwhelming guilt that was eating her up inside.

She could have gotten Yaz killed today with her carelessness. If Yaz wasn’t as good as she was, she would have gotten them both killed.

No matter what horrors from her past her brain decided to drudge up, a world without Yaz was still a terrifying thought.

 “I’m not asking you for a promise. I’m giving you an order.”

She really didn’t want to see this.

The Doctor had not gotten her memories back just so she could watch Clara Oswald face the raven all over again. Even in prison her mind hadn’t been cruel enough to remind her of that particular death. She remembered the others- Oswin, and the governess she’d met in London, and a hundred other Clara’s who’d died to save her- but this one had never come up.

Evidently, her subconscious thought she needed a reminder of what happened when she took her eyes off things for a moment too long.

“You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else here, or anywhere, will suffer.”

Well there was a promise the Doctor hadn’t managed to keep. She’d tried to tear time itself apart to save Clara, and worst of all, she’d never even known if it succeeded. Testimony didn’t remember whether Clara had lived or died- it’d been taken the moment before the raven hit- before the Doctor had tried to pull her from her timeline. She had no memory of anything that’d happened with Clara after this, and while she knew they’d been together on Gallifrey, she didn’t know how permanent that salvation might be, or what about it had taken her memories to begin with.

“What about me?” Eyebrows asked, and the Doctor who was watching him managed a harsh, bitter laugh. Clara was dying, and as usual her former self was there to be selfish and make her comfort him.

“If there was something I could do about that I would. I guess we’ll both just need to be brave.”

“Clara-“ He was trying to argue again, but all at once she was pulling him into a hug, and looking at the desperation of it from the outside, the Doctor just knew that Clara was trying to pull some comfort from it too, since Eyebrows hadn’t been offering her any.

She’d been human, and she’d been dying, and she’d been scared, but she’d forced herself to be brave so her friend didn’t have to be.

Looking back on it, Clara had always been so much stronger than the Doctor had ever been.

“Don’t run.” It had to be the first time she’d ever said that to one of her friends in a bad spot. “Stay with me.” Eyebrows was practically begging her now. Worse than that, the Doctor knew that if she had to go back and do it again, she wouldn’t be any stronger.

“Nah.” She could see how heard Clara was working to keep her tone casual, not wanting to hurt the Doctor any more than this whole thing already would. It was heart breaking, really, knowing that even in her final moments she’d had to suppress her own feelings to try and save her pain. “You stay here. In the end everybody does this alone.”

She shouldn’t have had to do it alone.

“Clara-“ Eyebrows tried again, and if the Doctor wasn’t stuck in her self-imposed cell, she might have hit him. This was his last chance- why couldn’t he say something to her? Why couldn’t he make sure that she died knowing how deeply she was loved.

“This is as brave as I know how to be. I know it’s gonna hurt you but- please. Be a little proud of me?”

There was a hopeful note to Clara’s tone despite everything, and in the end that was what really broke the Doctor. Her hand was pressed against the glass, desperate to say something, but unable to- the sands of time separated them more surely than the glass ever could.

“Always.” She promised, because if Eyebrows wouldn’t say it, then this new Doctor would. “I’m always gonna be proud of you.”

Clara turned away from her, and walked towards her grave.

 “No no no no…”

The Doctor’s eyes blinked open, giving her a hazy view of the warm purple walls of the TARDIS library. She was curled up in one of the armchairs near the fire, her eyes still heavy with sleep. How long had it been since she’d last slept? Weeks, at least. Maybe months. And since she’d last slept properly? Well that had been decades.

Her hands ached from where she’d been clutching onto the arms of the chair.

Her eyes were already falling closed again, too exhausted to even force herself to stay awake.

 “If you die here it’ll mean I never even met you.”

She’d never really appreciated how true that statement was. Without the Doctor blundering through her mother’s life, River Song would never have existed. Melody Williams (would she even have been called Melody, with the paradox of her name?) would have grown up safe and happy, the human daughter of the journalist and the nurse. She’d have had a normal life. She’d have been raised by loving parents, and have had a happy childhood, and maybe even brothers and sisters- maybe she’d have still written books, or taught archelogy, and had a much happier marriage than theirs had been.

Melody Pond would have been so much better off if she had never met the Doctor.

“Time can be rewritten.” For once, she seemed to be in agreement with Sandshoes. He was selfish, but at least he’d have been doing her a favour.

“Not those times. Not one line. Don't you dare. It's okay. It's okay. It's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me, time and space. You watch us run.”

Live great lives. That’s what she’d told her fam. If anyone had lived up to that, and lived a great life despite the Doctor’s meddling, it had been River Song. They’d had some amazing times, saved so many people, so many planets. There were stars out there still burning because River Song had been there to save them.

If the Doctor had found a better way around getting the people out of there, there might have been so many more.

The computer counting down the seconds left of her life in the background wasn’t helping the way that the Doctor’s hearts were pounding. She was crying, now- she wasn’t sure when that had begun.

From her cell, she watched Sandshoes babble on about his guilt- his suspicions, being expertly put down by River. She was so used to shutting him up when he was talking about things he didn’t know anything about- she could really use that, right now.

She should have saved her.

“Hush now. Spoilers…”

River smiled, and the Doctor lunged at the glass in front of her, shouting words that even she could barely comprehend. She was still clawing desperately at the glass when the room flashed bright white.

 The Time Lord didn’t even fully wake that time, despite having thrown herself onto the floor at some point during her anguish. She was barely drawn out of her nightmares for a moment, a noise that sounded awfully like a whimper escaping her. Her eyes were shut too-tightly, and she had her arms wrapped tightly around herself, fingernails digging into her arms as though that would protect her from the horrors of her own mind.

 “Who decides they’re so unimportant? You?”

The Doctor knew where she was this time without even looking up. Somehow, this scared her even more. She wasn’t watching a loved one die, she was watching her own stupid power-play blow up in her face. This hadn’t been a mercy mission, it’d been her trying to prove to the whole Universe that the Doctor had power over all.

“For a long time now I thought I was just a survivor, but I’m not. I’m the winner- that’s who I am. The Time Lord victorious.”

“And there’s no one to stop you?”

“No.”

“This is wrong, Doctor. I don’t care who you are. The Time Lord victorious is wrong.”

Captain Adelaide. She’d been so brilliant- she’d understood more about this than her idiot younger self ever could. The Doctor just about managed to give her a smile from behind her glass wall before she resumed staring at Sandshoes in disgust.

“That’s for me to decide. Now, you better get home.”

It was chilling. Watching her old face shift so quickly. Darkness turned cocky in an instant as he pointed his sonic at the door. Unlike with the other dreams, The Doctor wasn’t shouting. She didn’t try to say a word, just watched on with self-loathing and dread weighing down her hearts. A silent spectator of her darkest moment since the Time War.

Sandshoes smirked at that brave, doomed woman, challenging her to argue her fate further. He’d set himself up as a self-styled God. “Oh it’s all locked up- you’ve been away. Still, that’s easy.”

“Is there nothing you can’t do?”

“Not anymore.”

She watched as the great Time Lord Victorious turned his back on Adelaide. She watched as the captain drew her gun. She braced herself for that flash of blue light and the thud of a body hitting the floor.

“Don’t do it, Adelaide.” She was talking to nobody, but she still couldn’t help herself trying to butt in- trying to fix the damage she hadn’t noticed until it was too late. “You don’t have to do this. You don’t-“

 “Doctor?”

A hand on her shoulder drew her out of there before she had to watch that, jolting her awake. She came to, immediately caught off guard by the shadow of someone standing over her, and the scent of a familiar perfume hitting her. It took her a moment or so to place it, but when she did her hearts picked up a little. Yaz. Brilliant, wonderful, human Yaz who’d probably just heard her rambling all sorts of scary nonsense in her sleep.

“Doctor are you alright?”

The Doctor swallowed a little too hard and sat up quickly enough to make her head spin, forcing a familiar, false grin to spread across her face. Her body was aching from sleeping on the wooden floor, and she was pretty sure she was going to be bruised from where she���d fallen off the chair.

“Yaz! Yasmin Khan- Sorry, must have nodded off-“ Her voice sounded a little false even to her own ears, and she did her best to pass it off with a yawn.

“Sorry, just, you were talkin’ in your sleep an’ I thought-“ Yaz looked a little sheepish about waking her, and her eyes were full of concern.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry- Time Lord. Vivid dreams- I was…” She forced another yawn, trying to give herself time to think of a lie. “Did I ever tell you about the time I met a real life siren on a pirate ship? That was a good one, that. Dream about that one a lot. M’fine, though. Really.”

Yaz shot her a look that showed she didn’t believe the Doctor for a moment. There was a beats pause, before she exploded

“Are you kiddin’ me?! You’re not ‘fine’!” She drew air quotes around that last word, straightening up, to stand over the Doctor, showing she was serious.

“I’m-“

“I swear if you say ‘fine’ I’m gonna-”

The Doctor shut her mouth before Yaz could finish the threat.

There was a tense moment, almost like a standoff between the two of them, before Yasmin’s hard eyes softened, and she bent down to help the Doctor to her feet.

“I’m worried about y’.”

Suppressing her initial urge to insist that she was fine, the Doctor bit her lip.

“You shouldn’t be.” She eventually managed.

“When was the last time ‘y slept?” Yaz asked.

“About a minute ago.” The Doctor tried to make a joke. Yaz laughed weakly.

“Before that.” She clarified, glancing at the floor where she’d found the doctor collapsed.

“…I don’t remember.” The Doctor admitted.

Yaz sucked in a surprised breath through clenched teeth.

“Doctor-“

“I’m not human. I don’t need as much sleep as you lot.”

Raising an eyebrow, Yaz gave her another of those easy, disbelieving looks. “And that’s why I found you passed out on the floor cryin’?”

The Doctor blinked, bringing her hand up to her face. Sure enough, she’d been crying- she hadn’t even realised. Waking up with tears in her eyes was just normal by now.

“What’s so bad that it’s keepin’ you up?” Yaz leant forwards, taking one of the Doctor’s hands in both of her own. “Please don’t lie to me.”

There was an earnestness in her eyes that reminded the Doctor of all the people she’d loved most. Rose, Amy, River, Clara. Even Koschei. She’d always liked the people who could be honest with her the best- she needed honest people to stop her tearing herself apart and taking everyone else with her.

“I’ve lost a lot of people, Yaz.” She said, resigned note in her voice. “You saw Gallifrey. My home world is gone, my wife is gone, my children are gone, my granddaughter is gone. I’ve lost most of my friends, and- since Gallifrey, I can’t block them out anymore. I see them die every night.”

All at once, Yaz leaned forwards, just like Clara had in her dream, wrapping her arms tightly around the Doctor, holding her grounded to the spot. Even that brief contact allowed some of the tension in the Doctor’s body to loosen, her shoulder’s slumping as she leant into the contact.

“’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

Yaz pulled herself back from the hug, keeping her hands firmly on the Doctor’s arms, so she could ground her while looking her in the eyes.

“Have you got a bedroom on board?” She asked.

“Somewhere. How come?”

Yaz smiled, “Because you’ve gotta sleep sometime, and I think it’s probably comfier than the floor.” She let one of her hands fall, the other moving up to brush the hair out of the Doctor’s eyes. “Come on.”

She caught Yaz’s wrist in her hand, suddenly looking nervous. She was really worried where her subconscious would go from what had to be one of the worst things she’d ever done. “I don’t wanna. Not yet.”  

“Y’ need to.” Yaz insisted, still trying her best to smile. The Doctor recognised that look from how often she herself wore it- that false-cheer that just barely covered the worry. “I promise I’ll sit with y’ the whole time- I can wake you up if you start makin’ noise.”

The Doctor thought about that for a minute. It’d certainly been easier to deal with the dream about Adelaide since she’d been pulled out of it before she actually had to hear the shot go off. If Yaz could pull her out of the bad moments before she had to see anything too bad- Maybe it would let the Doctor get a bit of sleep. It wasn’t the most elegant solution, and it didn’t seem as though it would last too long, but- it was an infinitely better one than her current plan of depriving herself of sleep until she could hardly stand.

“You really wouldn’t mind?” She eventually asked, her fingers still resting around Yaz’s wrist, though she wasn’t trying to use them to push her away any more.

“I love you. Let me take care of you, for once.”

There was another slight pause, before the Doctor let go of her hand, nodding. “Okay.”

Yaz let out a relieved breath. “Thank you.”

“For what?” The Doctor turned to her, genuine confusion etched across her features.

Yaz took another step closer, cupping the Doctor’s face in one hand, and giving her the most genuine smile either of them had shared since they’d reunited. “For letting me in.”

[swiftythewriter]

so, i’m supposed to be studying and def not be on social media rn but i am legit tearing up about Martha Jones and what she means to me as a character that i’m just going to try and to write this out so i can hopefully focus

to get one thing straight, Martha Jones is not my favorite character. i started watching DW when I was about twelve and tbh, for years after that i never really connected with her. it’s not too surprising since in terms of background, personality, and life experience (because, come on, i’m a lily white, only child shut in from the deep south) we had next to nothing in common. 

but.

out of all the characters that have been on the show, Martha Jones is solidly the one I want to live up to the most. 

maybe the reasons why are obvious, but they didn’t really crystallize to me till just now. the main one, for me, is that through out her arc her happiness did not depend on another person. even within her arc where she faced the consequences of her unrequited feelings, she still had this noticeable trait before she even said it out loud.

to go and break it down further, i believe there are several aspects to her personality that are important contributors in this: dedication, responsibility, and strong sense of self worth

dedication: this one seems pretty obvious, since when we are first introduced to Martha we are shown her position as a med student in her last year of residency. everyone with passing knowledge of what it takes to be a doctor knows this isn’t for the faint of heart. knowing just that we can already infer that she’s studious, hard working, and intelligent.

but it goes beyond that, as is continually shown throughout her arc. she becomes know as the “Woman Who Walked the Earth”, a title she got by literally walking around the earth for a year in an apocalyptic hellscape and never once wavering in completing in her mission. she didn’t just join but rose through the ranks of UNIT to the point where she was trusted with the Osterhagen key-quite literally the most important responsibility given to any single person at that point in human history.

and if we are talking about less dramatic examples, kindly take a look where Martha spent months undercover in an incredibly racist time period with absolutely no support despite there being actually no reason beyond Ten needing his little moral moment and yet not only managed to keep her spirits, but also is directly responsible for the Doctor’s plan not being any more of a clusterfuck than it already was. same story with “Blink”, where they both got trapped in the sixties and Martha once more had to stand up and handle things behind the scenes.

next, responsibility: this ties in really well with dedication and it can go double for all the things i listed above. the reason i think this is, is that as a result of her dedication and moral code, Martha tends to take on the problems set before her to the best of her abilities because she sees it as the right thing to do.  

but what i really want to look at is Martha’s sense of emotional responsibility, as in not the actions she takes but why she takes them. i feel like this is best seen in how she acts towards her family and is what really sets her apart from the other companions in the series. 

because you know what she does? she stays. her family needs her.

and here’s the ringer because name one character, one, since her that makes an active effort to maintain their relationships with their families when the Doctor comes to play. i can’t. really, i can’t

Donna? doesn’t count. she might love her family but when push comes to shove she was willing to die with the Doctor-or more accurately for who she became with the Doctor, than to live her life with them.

Rose? don’t make me laugh. she loves her mother to death, but not enough to choose her first.

Jack? no family to speak of at that point, but look how fast he leaves his friends at the very hint of the Doctor coming back into his life. yes, he has his immortality based reasons but there’s nothing about their scenes that doesn’t scream emotional.

Amy and Rory? i can count on one hand how many times the topic of relatives has come up for Amy and it still leaves me a finger left over for Rory. despite magically getting her parents back in her life she seems awfully unconcerned with their general existence. 

i’m also not entirely sure Rory has parents-or even connections, beyond his dad. he might have just sprung up in a field somewhere, and we’d never know. hey, maybe Amy wished him into existence a bit earlier than we all thought.

Clara? i’m almost certain she has parents. almost. like, she had an entire holiday dinner?? i’m pretty sure she mentioned her dad at some point?? but beyond the meet cute of how her parents got together, zilch. nada. she might as well have been an orphan.

Bill? okay she was actually an orphan but i don’t think she actually mentioned or contacted her foster mother after she moved out. not sure this counts tho. the Doctor was dading too hard to say she had no parents.

i admit the newest companions kind of break the mold but I still say it counts since the only familial connection Ryan and Graham try to maintain to between each other and while Yaz might be close to her family her life with the Doctor seems to be taking priority over both her career and how much she spends time connecting with her family.

honestly the only one that even comes close to subverting the pattern is Mickey and the only reason he doesn’t properly is because he didn’t have any living family before going to Pete’s world.

but even in the beginning Martha spends time actively maintaining her relationships with her family members. again, in her first episode we see her playing mediator for her family, and going on we see her doing her best to support her sister, be a good daughter to her mother, and keep her family connected through sheer will power at times. sure, the other companions have shown the appropriate concern when there’s threat to their loved ones lives, but Martha again subverts the mold when it becomes clear that she’s not willing to let them go. 

so, back to responsibility. 

you tie this with her morals and you get the result of a doctor that gives her last breaths to keep another person alive. 

you tie this with her dedication and you get the kind of person who will walk to the ends of the earth if she deems the cause good enough. 

and finally, if you tie this with her emotional connections, you have the kind of person that takes the hard, messy work of tying together a somewhat dysfunctional family with her bare hands.

so now we’ve reached a strong sense of self worth: this i think is present in all of her decisions in the show. like, her entire story arc as a companion was ended on the note that she discovered her self worth and that she shouldn’t made to be feeling like she’s second fiddle. but, again, i feel like this is shown clearly throughout her story line even if she didn’t consciously recognize it. 

the most obvious example i see on this kind of contrasts with the above one, and it is that Martha leaves. She chooses to go with the Doctor and see what’s out there. It’s not a decision her mother and perhaps the rest of her family would or does approve of and she still makes it.

she also, having taken the not so metaphorical leap of faith, chooses to pursue the Doctor romantically. that is something that i did not appreciate as a kid but respect the hell out of now. the sheer self confidence that it takes to not only approach your crush but pick yourself up after they don’t notice time and time again is absolutely incredible. we stan an absolute legend.

but back to my point, it would’ve been incredibly easy for Martha’s character to have been introduced as the stereotype of one of those people who go into medschool due to parental pressure. it could’ve even been supported by her background with her family and future character arc of discovering her worth.  but all those assertions evaporate the second she comes on screen. 

Why? Self worth. 

The concept that Martha could be pressured into her path in life is laughable. She perused medicine because she wanted to. It’s her passion. She didn’t have to say it out loud to be clear in her actions. 

Her family’s wants and opinions might have some weight because she respects them, but ultimately she doesn’t need their approval to make herself happy. Her teachers, peers and assumed friends at her school also had the same affect. 

Martha Jones went with the Doctor because she wanted to, and she stayed because she wanted to as well. Her choices are made to be the most fulfilling to herself. Yes, they are motivated by her responsibilities and dedication to see them through, but that is it-motivated. She does not need to live up to to the things people need from her to have fulfillment. 

See the choices she made after she left the Doctor if you want any indication. She enlisted in UNIT because she realized she could do more for the world than just be a doctor, and she decided she wanted to. She got into and out of an engagement because she was in touch with what made her happy and what didn’t. The choices she made during her time with UNIT were ones that she made not because the Doctor would approve-since she knew he wouldn’t, but were ones she reasoned were the best options forward. 

And finally, when Martha decided after the near end she didn’t want to be with UNIT anymore, she left and went to find something that she wanted to do more. 

i once read an excellent post that made the point that unlike other companions, Martha Jones never needed the Doctor, and it was absolutely right. In the end of the day, Martha Jones never needed anything but her own to hands to go and make the world a better place.

And you know what? At that, she is good. 

[crazyperfectsense]

4/30/20/1

god April was 5 minutes long and I’m going to spend all 5 of them writing this post

this is honestly probably far too personal to put into the public of the internet, and perhaps I’ll take it down before anyone really sees it, but Tumblr is comforting because it is almost a graveyard and the people who remain (who I see in fleeting posts in passing, hi) I trust (or just will not see this because they do not care or the algorithm does not favor long text posts), whereas Facebook is horrifying and Instagram is worse, and this is likely going to be too long to hold anyone’s attention for the whole thing, but I also want to get some notes down for whenever I finally get to talk to my therapist again, so here we go

I woke up at 6:30am naturally (horrifying!), leapt out of bed because I realized how much work I had to do (hate when a nap turns into just...sleep!), and got a text from my dad 15 minutes later that my maternal grandfather was in critical condition, and somehow still managed to do work for the next six hours out of necessity

it briefly brought back flashbacks to 2012, where my dad didn’t tell me for a week that his father died because I had finals my first semester of college, but told me right after he picked me up as we were driving across campus to pick up a friend that we were taking back home, so I had about 3 minutes to compose myself before a 2 hour car ride (horrifying!)

my grandfather died around 1pm, and I had the truly unique (horrifying! ! ! !) experience of finding out via text while I was on a Zoom call as the TA, where I was the only person sharing video other than the professor (my advisor!), and I had to keep my composure while simultaneously finishing creating the homework that I was behind on making while also trying to figure out what to respond to this text notification of mortality, because I don’t know how to say any sort of condolence really in Chinese, but my dad was handling communications and just texting in English anyway — and I don’t know, it’s the kind of thing where I probably could’ve ditched the call and made excuses later, but the effort to preserve even the slightest tinge of normalcy in this moment seemed right, and I did my very best (and succeeded!) to not spontaneously burst into tears on camera, even though I did about 0.03 seconds after I hung up

an aside: thank god that my advisor was sharing screen and people were hopefully focused on him / in speaker mode or something, because my neutral face is....poor! not entirely sure because I avoided making eye contact with my virtual self aside from brief checks to make sure that I was still alive, still functioning as I flickered from screen to screen across my two monitors

I had a meeting scheduled with my advisor afterwards, and he was all ready to move into it, but was so extremely understanding the second he saw my message I had sent 50 min earlier that was effectively “can we push this back a bit because my grandfather died and I need to call my fam lol” and suggested (as any normal person with emotions would) that I take the time to formally postpone and regroup if needed (needed!) rather than just pushing back a half hour or so like I naively thought would work

I had to desperately cry for about 20 minutes (horrifying!) before I felt ready to call my family, even so 

I hate hearing my mom sad! it’s the fucking worst! but it was a relief for 2 seconds to exist over a phone line with someone who also couldn’t talk straight without needing to take a few gasping breaths

another aside: i didn’t write about this in February because, well, everything was on fire in my life already, so briefly: my mom was supposed to be in China through mid-March, having gone there in October. things obviously went to shit, given *gestures at COVID-19 and the world*, and we booked her an early return flight, given that the senior living facility my grandparents were in had already closed to visitors out of precaution. my brother, dad, and I collectively freaked the fuck out (my brother started crying in the middle of class and had to leave, I barely held it together in mine but paid negative attention) when flights back from China started getting cancelled (and for those like, terrifying few hours where Trump was going to ban foreign nationals since my mom’s not a citizen and they didn’t make it clear that immediate family of US citizens were fine), but we somehow made it happen

so, back to the phone call: I just let her talk and she had so many regrets about leaving China when she did, and it just made me feel like the shittiest person for wanting her back home in America when it deprived her of the chance to see her dad one more time. my uncle and mom luckily got to take my grandparents out of the senior home for one night to celebrate Chinese New Year the day before the facility closed to visitors, so they had one last dinner together as a family but thinking about the what ifs makes me want to cry all over again. my mom just kept saying how she wished she could’ve done more, how she wished they had gone to the hospital earlier for a check-up, and the most I could helplessly contribute was “coronavirus concerns were already rampant and it could have been even worse, given airborne contagion,” even if I said as many other things as I could, about how dialysis was painful as hell and my grandfather, the former doctor, said he didn’t even want to be in the ICU at the end years before his passing

I learned what the Chinese words were for “depression” today, when my mom said my grandfather said he had it and they had gotten him some medication for it a few months ago, and I was so stunned that it was “depression” and not some strange disease I was unfamiliar with that I couldn’t say anything for 30 seconds, and I can’t really write more on this point because I will just start crying, but perhaps I should really think about how aging research is largely focused on non-Asian populations and how perhaps, I’m uniquely equipped to contribute a bit to the field here (but, that is true for so many things, and I am tired!)

my grandfather was great. he was quiet, but stubborn as hell. he was a doctor, and he loved routine. he cared so, fucking, much about me and my brother. he always insisted on taking my brother and me on walks to the same few places that he liked to visit — I remember visiting this community center that had a ping pong table — and him going out of his way to find me internet access, since my grandparents’ apartment didn’t have it for most of the years I visited. he loved taking me and my brother to KFC, because he thought it was the height of Americanized cuisine in China, and was so proud of how much better it was than American KFC (which he hadn’t had, but he knew, and he was right. we would eat every single bite of a two-piece meal each. even the ketchup was better). he once cut out a newspaper clipping ranking UT as the #2 college on this huge list of colleges (I think it was referring to research endowments, but anyway) and saved it to show me almost a year later. he told me in 2013 that he would probably live to see me finish college, and he lived to see me two years into grad school, dying when I was halfway through year three. he was 89. I loved him so much, even if we didn’t get to talk much at all.

I’m so mad at all these fucking people who, in the land of the free and the home of the so-called brave, are being idiots in this time and not social distancing. I’m so mad at every single friend who posts a large or small gathering to their story, at everyone who is so thirsty for social connection that they’re willing to put everyone they’re in close contact with at risk to hang out with another person for just a few hours (horrifying!). humans are social creatures who need engagement and connection to live — having written 22 pages about health and social relationships across 12 hours a few weeks ago, I understand this point so saliently that it’s painful. but seeing such....levity when my mom is crying over not being able to even go back to China to properly say goodbye because they won’t admit anyone from the US (and the US has banned travel to China, like that was necessary in this xenophobic environment) makes me want to punch a wall. suck it up! call your friends over Zoom or FaceTime like the goddamn rest of us!

grief is so strange, and grief is encapsulated in every molecule of this new normal — the strangeness of missing the life that once was, even if the past wasn’t something that I thought I’d miss. I remember feeling so, so guilty for traveling twice in February because of the studying for comps that I should’ve been doing, and now I marvel at my foresight. (and have so many regrets for the people who I told “I’ll see you in April when I’m back after comps are done!!”

I’m in this weird spot where I feel like I’m screaming at the people around me to care, and all of them are too busy with different social ties, and I’m watching my connections wilt and fray because everyone thinks I’m so stable and put-together (or boring and shy?)

an example: I was left off of a reunion Zoom call with some people I worked with in college that was widely talked about on social media regarding “love having shared all this time with these strong women” and all, and it felt very, idk, selfish and whiny (horrifying) to be like “how can you call this feminism when I, a real woman, am being left out of this call”! the following exchange, about the above, happened with in a group chat with a very blunt friend:

D: “Also, how does it feel to be left out of that [organization] Women zoom call, Amy?” another aside: (this....was a stupid question. but we’ll allow it, because boys will be boys.) me: “lol it honestly hurt my feelings but it's not like they weren't cliquey from the very beginning ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ to be expected I suppose” D: “Yeah when I saw that I was like “Why didn’t include Amy, she was there at the same time as they were”” me: “LOL thanks for thinking of me 🥺 they clearly did not”

(the other friend staying quiet, because it was tangibly awkward, even if I tried to play it chill, but my feelings remain hurt) perhaps if I cared more, or wanted to try and make people feel bad, I would’ve replied to a story with “tfti”, or laughed, or heart-reacted, or something “casual” that still implicates “where was my invite”, but....is it even worth investing the hurt and care and time when I’m not even sure it would spark embarrassment on their end? because perhaps they intentionally just do not...care about me and my feelings? at all? (horrifying?)

(I already know this to be true, even if the snub was unintentional, but I needed to muse about it anyway)

another aside: I still talk with plenty of people from this organization who I am MUCH closer with, and I shouldn’t feel snubbed to be snubbed by people who I never felt too close with in the first place! (and yet! horrifying!)

sent an extremely passive aggressive message earlier and yet, K tells me that the people in the chat might not even read it as passive aggressive! (horrifying!)

god. I don’t know! I feel so much sadness and anger, and yet still have a few hours of work to do tonight. it’s wild that even today, where my heart just hurts every few seconds if I think too hard, I still have my mind centered in needing to be productive and not lazy because I’ve already spent too much time procrastinating on my work (horrifying!). but the work is about Asian American collective action / media production, and I feel good about it, and I’m working with some badass Asian women, and I really hope it lands in this flagship journal, because that would be a win, and I kind of just need one! 

oh if it’s not clear I finished comps and I don’t know if I passed yet but they’re done so...that’s something

also whoever fucking looked at Chicago style citations and thought “oh hmm, let’s make another type of Chicago style that is DIFFERENT and call it Chicago style documentation” is the literal fucking devil

ok this is enough for now bye. god this was long. (horrifying!!!!!!)

[terranoctis]

black widow

Spoilers below for Black Widow. 

First off: my friend saying loudly “Yes, kill him,” during that post-credits scene in the middle of the theater was a whole-ass mood. I couldn’t help but laugh. I don’t hate Hawkeye, but I can understand the dislike because of the distaste I had for the Natasha-Clint moments in Endgame leading up to her death. 

I want to say I did like the movie before I launch into my criticisms. I have some qualms about it, but in the scope of the entire movie, you can’t deny that it’s still enjoyable. My main qualm is how the film feels like a footnote after the fact, since we all know the fate of Natasha as a character in Endgame. It takes away the stupid reasoning that was written into Endgame about how Nat had no family to live for (which is why she should die, etc.), and in a way, makes the truth of it much more tragic. Natasha absolutely has a family to live for and she never got the chance to reconnect with them as deeply as she did with her companions in the Avengers. She died before she ever got to. I’m not saying Hawkeye should have died, but I never liked how the film made the argument for Nat in that moment. 

That being said, the Black Widow movie illustrates the kind of person Nat is and why she would have chosen to sacrifice herself. Even if it’s after the fact of her death, we can tell Nat’s the kind of person who would push her sister away falling thousands of feet in the air if it meant that the enemy would only target her. She’s the kind of humane killer who still tries to help someone who just tried to kill her because she empathizes with what they’ve been through like her. It’s the exact reason she would throw herself off the cliff so Clint can stay with his family--it’s because she wants to give those around her a better chance. The film, as I said, does a great job of elaborating that part of Natasha which we never got to see much of in the other MCU films. I was talking to my friend after the film about previous films Natasha’s been in and it’s partially true that we don’t get to see much of that warm, humane side of Natasha, but we’ve been able to understand the growth of it in this film. 

For example, I loved Winter Soldier, but I’m reminded of how even in that film she was considered a spy who put her mission before the lives around her (namely, the opening of that film, where she went to save the data on the ship instead of helping with the mission and saving lives). In this regard, the Natasha in the BW film feels inconsistent. On the other hand, one could also read it as a sign of Nat’s growth since she first became part of the Avengers and Steve Rogers’ friend. I think that’s a nice way to read it, and is elaborated with that kind of humanity we see she had since the beginning with the BW film. That humanity rings truest with Natasha’s regard for Yelena.

What the film did best for me was Nat’s relationship with Yelena. There is something powerful about a girl who understands the loss of will and captivity she’s being forced into and still be willing to wield a weapon to protect her younger, unaware sister from it all even at the young age she’s at. There’s animosity between them as adults and they’re allowed to have it because you understand why. There’s affection that rings true despite of all the suffering they’ve been through. It’s good writing between sisters and I loved to see that on the big screen. It’s not all gold fields between them even by the end of the film, but you get the sense they’re working it out and are fine... at least, until you understand that Nat probably never got to see her sister or her parents again before the events of Endgame. Which is the biggest slap at the end to me and one of the worst tragedies in all the history of the MCU. A beautiful tragedy, don’t get me wrong, but still hurts like hell to understand the depth of that tragedy.

There are some hit or miss moments in the humor for the family scenes, to the point I felt a little awkward (especially with the dad jokes), but I felt that Yelena’s scenes were on point for me. 

Is it a movie that should have come earlier? Yes. I do think though that as a standalone film, it’s somewhat middling to good, rather than good to amazing. I find that it’s a film that can be read much more because we know Nat’s fate in Endgame and in a way how her choices lead up to that. Do I feel like it’s a film that is just retconned in? Yes. MCU could have and should have done a better job at incorporating Nat’s background into the rest of the films because it seems utterly tragic that none of her best friends in the Avengers knew whatsoever about her family and their existence... but we know that since this film was not made yet, there was nothing for them to incorporate yet. 

Goes to show that the Black Widow film should have come years ago.

The Black Widow film feels less like Natasha’s story than it feels like Yelena’s story. In a way, it’s a good baton pass from Black Widow to Black Widow. The movie felt like an ensemble movie in a way that Civil War was despite it being a standalone Captain America movie, which is a shame to an extent for Natasha. It’s meant to be her movie, but it doesn’t always feel like it. Nonetheless, it works marvelously as a great introduction to Yelena. Florence Pugh stole the movie with her scenes and I’m excited to see her character in the future. Also, as a sidenote, I love that she’s got the younger sister dynamic down because she was also amazing as Amy March in Little Women. I know she’s going to be in Hawkeye, but I also hope they continue to do more with her beyond that. She is, in a sense, the Black Widow of this phase and I think she deserves more than what her sister got in the earlier phases. 

I’m just rambling now. Go watch it if you haven’t. I might have my qualms, but I did like the film. It also harkens back to the vanilla Phase 1 feeling of the MCU, with just good old action and does not include the more magic-space-quantum realms of later MCU films (Thor, Guardians of the Galaxy, Ant-Man, Captain Marvel, Doctor Strange, etc.). This, in its own way, can be rather refreshing after the vamped up heights of Infinity War and Endgame.

[thenotoriousscuttlecliff]

Moffat Era Rewatch: Deep Breath

Still struggling with his regeneration, the new Doctor investigates a series of mysterious murders in Victorian London...

Warning: Spoilers Sweetie

Usually you find the dinosaurs inside parliament, not outside it. 

Unless there’s some last minute secret cameo in ‘Twice Upon a Time’, this is the last episode with the Paternosters. Why’d you retire them, Moffat? Why? 

“It's dropped a blue box marked Police out of its mouth. Your grasp of biology troubles me.”

It didn’t at the time, but Twelve with short hair just looks so wrong now. Like a caged beast, it should be allowed to roam free. 

Peter looks so good in Matt’s outfit. Why do new Doctors always look so good in their predecessors outfits? 

“Oh, you've got a dinosaur too.”

“He's not Clara. I'm Clara.” "Well, you're very similar heights.”

New titles with added eyebrows. This was based on a concept by a fan.

“You all sound all English. Now you've all developed a fault.” 

Neve gets to use her normal accent for once. 

“People are apes. Men are monkeys.”

“How do we change him back?” Clara gets a lot of flack for this, because Clara gets flack for simply existing. People argue that she should be more except of regeneration since she knows about it and has met previous Doctors. But I think there’s a big difference between being aware of regeneration and actually experiencing it first hand. Eleven was the first Doctor she knew and as far as she was concerned he was her Doctor. Even when she met other Doctors he was still there at her side. But now he’s gone and there’s this complete stranger in his place. So I can forgive her for being a little selfish here and wanting her Doctor back. 

“I don't like her, ma'am. I love her. And as to different? Well, she's a lizard.”  

Clara says like because she doesn’t want to admit that she feels the same way about the Doctor that Jenny does about Vastra. She doesn’t want to admit that she loves the Doctor. 

“I am alone. The world which shook at my feet, and the trees and the sky, have gone. And I am alone now. Alone.” That is one poetic dinosaur. 

Peter Capaldi is one of those actors who could recite washing machine instructions and make it sound like Shakespeare. 

“He looked like your dashing young gentleman friend. Your lover, even.” Clara’s blushing. 

“Jenny and I are married. Yet for appearance's sake, we maintain a pretence, in public, that she is my maid.” "Doesn't exactly explain why I'm pouring tea in private.”

I feel for set decorators when they have to do stuff like this. 

“Door. Boring. Not me.”

“I am not sure who you think you're talking to right now, Madam Vastra, but I have never had the slightest interest in pretty young men. And for the record, if there ever was anybody who could flirt with a mountain range, she's probably standing in front of you right now. Just because my pretty face has turned your head, do not assume that I am so easily distracted.” I’m not sure who is enjoying this tongue-lashing more, Jenny or Vastra.    

“She was scared. She was scared and alone. I brought her here and look what they did.” 20 minutes in and Twelve is already breaking my heart. 

“What do you all have for brains, pudding? Look at you. Why can't I meet a decent species? Planet of the pudding brains.” 

Couldn’t just walk away, he had to leap into the river. The Doctor is so extra. 

“Military tactics. The Doctor is still missing, but he will always come looking for his box. By bringing it here, he will be lured from the dangers of London to this place of safety, and we will melt him with acid.”

Jenna Coleman was just born to wear period outfits. 

How many of Britain’s most notorious killers has Vastra had for dinner? 

Did Strax get his medical training from the same school as Doctor Zoidberg? 

If this episode was the regular length, this scene, delightful as it is, would’ve been the first to get cut.     

“Deflected narcissism. Traces of passive aggressive. And a lot of muscular young men doing sport.” Since Strax has trouble telling genders apart I’m going to assume that those weren’t all men.    

This tramp is played by Elisabeth Sladen’s husband, Brian Miller.  

“It's good I'm Scottish. I'm Scottish. I am Scottish. I can complain about things, I can really complain about things.” 

“What devilry is this, sir?” "I don't know, but I probably blame the English.”

“Oh, I don't understand why I'm doing this.” "Art?” Jenny is 110% done with your bullshit, Vastra. 

“Advertisements, yes. So many. It's a distressing modern trend.” If she thinks it is bad now wait until television comes along. 

“It doesn't makes sense. He doesn't do puzzles. He isn't complicated. Really doesn't have the attention span.” Clara obviously hasn’t spent much time with Seven. 

This is the first real scene that Peter and Jenna get to have together and our first chance to see just how amazingly they play off each other. They really bring out the best in each other as actors. 

“Well, I would say that that person would be an egomaniac, needy, game-player sort of person.” Probably the most accurate description of the Master ever. 

“Nothing is more important than my egomania.” 

“If I got new hair and it was grey, I would have a problem.” Clara is so vain, it’s one of the things I love about her. 

I doubt this place has any Michelin stars.   

“Do you have a children's menu?” I really don’t want to know what is on the children’s menu. 

“Oh, it's at times like this I miss Amy.” 

I know that he doesn’t actually leave her, but it is still a shock to see the Doctor so casually abandon Clara. 

“Go on, then. Do it. I'm not going to answer any of your questions, so you have to do it. You have to kill me. Threats don't work unless you deliver.” This is one of Clara’s finest moments. Even though she is clearly terrified, she manages to turn the tables on her interrogator and get him to spill the beans instead. 

“Are you trying to scare me? Well, cos I'm already bloody terrified of dying. And I'll endure a lot of pain for a very long time before I give up the information that's keeping me alive. How long have you got?”

“I don't know. But I know where he will be. Where he will always be. If the Doctor is still the Doctor, he will have my back. I'm right, aren't I? Go on. Please, please, go on, say I'm right.” You were right, Clara. 

Twelve’s Theme kicks in at full blast. As much as I love it, it just doesn’t have quite the same blood pumping effect as ‘I Am the Doctor’.  

“Yeah, sorry. Well no, actually, I'm not. You're brilliant on adrenaline.”

“I hate being wrong in public. Everybody forget that happened.”

The squad is here. 

“Your friend is intelligent. He'll know better than to follow me.” You sure about that? 

“I've got the horrible feeling I'm going to have to kill you. I thought you might appreciate a drink first. I know I would.”

Doctor Who is the only show that could get away with having a hot air balloon made of human skin on prime time BBC One.

“Sister ship of the Madame De Pompadour. No, not getting it.” Understandable considering, from his perspective, it has been nearly a millennium since season two. 

“No, it isn't. It's just far away. Everything looks too small. I prefer it down there. Everything is huge. Everything is so important. Every detail, every moment, every life clung to.”

“Question. You take a broom, you replace the handle, and then later you replace the brush, and you do that over and over again. Is it still the same broom?” Better known as the Trigger conundrum. 

“There's not a trace of the original you left. You probably can't even remember where you got that face from.” Moments like this are why I think Peter Capaldi is the best actor who has ever played the Doctor. 

“Self-destruction is against my basic programme.” "And murder is against mine.”

It’s not a proper kiss, but I’ll take it. 

Strax was willing to kill himself just so he would’t reveal his friends. 

That glare still sends a chill down my spine. 

“I don't think I know who the Doctor is any more.”

He’s redecorated and I do like it, especially the bookshelves. Place looks so homely now. 

“I'm the Doctor. I've lived for over two thousand years, and not all of them were good. I've made many mistakes, and it's about time that I did something about that.”

By admitting that he thought he was Clara’s boyfriend he is pretty much admitting that he’s in love with her.    

She doesn’t say it, but she clearly likes the new look.

“You'd better get that. It might be your boyfriend.”

And now we know why the phone was left hanging. 

“...and I think you might be scared. And however scared you are, Clara, the man you are with right now, the man I hope you are with, believe me, he is more scared than anything you can imagine right now and he, he needs you.” Glad I didn’t watch this right after ‘Time of the Doctor’. I would not have been able to go through saying goodbye to Matt again twice in one day.  

“You can't see me, can you? You look at me, and you can't see me. Have you any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone, I'm right here, standing in front of you. Please, just, just see me.”

The first of many awkward hugs. 

They go for coffee, not chips, so relax Doctor/Rose shippers. No one is stepping on your moment. 

Oh Missy, you're so fine. You're so fine you blow my mind, hey Missy! Hey Missy!

Next Time: Into the Dalek

[fulcrumahsokaamidala]

Sunday Spectacular #22

Happy Saturday!!! So this is me thanking awesome fanfic writers for their amazing work and all the time they put into their fics. ♥️ I want to recommend spectacular fanfic stories I read this week! ♥️ They are posted in the order I read them. All posts will be tagged #spectacular fic rec

I Will Take Care of You, Always by @hope-for-olicity​ | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Felicity calls in sick to work and Oliver becomes very worried. Set in S2 before the Russia trip!

stranded in their youth by @alexiablackbriar13​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Mia accidentally ends up stranded and injured in 2015 after her Time Courier breaks. Oliver and Felicity, who are secretly married and enjoying a long vacation in Ivy Town, find their future daughter panicking in their backyard.

A difficult journey begins for them as they try and return Mia to 2041 while avoiding temporal aberrations, all the while dealing with the various trials and tribulations of learning to bond as parents and daughter along the way.

Fallen Angel by @it-was-a-red-heeler​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Oliver and Felicity’s happiness in Starling City is disrupted when John Diggle asks for Oliver’s help on a case. What they uncover will threaten the couple’s relationship and both their lives.

The Ravager by @laxit21​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Slade Wilson's plan for revenge against Oliver took time, money and no shortage of lives to pull together. His plan didn't anticipate Felicity Smoak. How will his plan change now that his lost-lost daughter is working with the very man he's trying to destroy?

Felicity of Themiscyra by @laxit21​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Years ago, Donna Smoak left the island of Themiscyra and her sister Queen Hippolyta behind to live in man's world. She never told Felicity the truth about where she came from. As a result of the Undertaking, Felicity discovers some of her Amazonian abilities and makes an interesting new friend: Diana Prince.

Daughter of the Demon by @laxit21​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: What if in 1988 while traveling through Las Vegas Ra's al Ghul bumps into a nice waitress named Donna Smoak and they have one-night stand together? A little bundle of joy named Felicity Smoak is the result. In 2014, the Demon Head becomes aware of his youngest daughter's existence.

Flirting with the Devil by @oliversmuse​ | Arrow | Completed

Summary: Oliver and Felicity are on a mission in Los Angeles when they are left with no choice but to seek the help of Lucifer Morningstar. Lucifer is good looking, charming and quite the flirt and when he meets Oliver and Felicity that flirting is put into overdrive. He is particularly drawn to Felicity. This brings Oliver's jealousy to the forefront and Felicity's babbling to a peak. Oliver is not happy that he has to ask for Lucifer's help but he might be the only one that can help save their mission.

(i’ll show you) who this heart beats for by @dust2dust34​ | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Sequel to (i will be the fire) that keeps you warm, and the second story in my spontaneous “The Artie Chronicles” series. It’s Valentine’s Day and Oliver and Artie have a very important question for Felicity.

Sympathy for the Devil by @thatmasquedgirl​ | Arrow | Oneshot

Summary: Felicity is supposed to be forgetting a hard week, not flirting with the club owner that she sometimes works for. He has other ideas. Another Olicity AU, this time involving drinking, a couple of pianos, and a very flirty Oliver Queen.

It’s in the Air by @emmilynestill​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: December 23, 2016. It’s Mayor Queen’s first holiday party and love is in the air. No, wait, that’s tension in the air. Bitterness. Regret. Painful longing for one’s former love. Awkward interactions with current significant others. A little humiliation mixed in. Yup, this was one great party. Then the gas came. Maybe love was in the air afterall.

**Just my usual lock Oliver and Felicity in a room with a mind-altering substance with a dash of holiday magic thrown in. And, by magic, I mean Sex Pollen. And maybe a little Truth Serum to stir things up.**

Pieces of Always by @so-caffeinated​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Life continues after Forever is Composed of Nows. Ongoing non-linear collection of family moments for the Queens. You do not need to have read FiCoN to enjoy this, but it will spoil the end.

Like Real People Do by more0rLessJess | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Felicity Smoak has had a rough couple of years and all she wants to do is move on with her life and start her own tech company. After an incident at Queen Consolidated, she quit and accepted a job working as a technical analyst and computer expert at the Starling City Police Department, where she’s stuck for at least another year thanks to the non-compete clause she signed in her Queen Consolidated contract. But as much as she’d rather be in the tech world, she does love being able to help others. Plus she gets to do that with the help of a certain Detective, who she may or may not be attracted too. Oliver Queen just finished five years in the Army Special Forces and is only working as an SCPD Detective because his best friend and fellow soldier, John Diggle, said it would be good for him to help pull his life together after years of hardships in the military. Oliver expected to hate the job, but what he never expected was meeting the IT girl with a heart of gold and her own demons to deal with. Captain Quentin Lance just wants a functioning police department.

let it be me by  imfallingforyoureyes102 | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: (Or, Tommy's at the hospital with an injured Laurel, ten times pissed at Oliver, when he sees the man himself racing past Laurel's room and to the ER. Tommy's quick to stop him - quick to scream furiously at the man he once called his best friend - but then there's a doctor and Ms. Smoak may not make it through the night and the man that Tommy once knew as indestructible and sturdy and strong is shattering into a million pieces).

The Line || by @someonesaidcake​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Felicity Smoak is no one special.  Her life is simple, her job pays the bills, and she prefers it that way.  But, when her roommate goes missing and no one is prepared to look for her, Felicity embarks down a path she might not easily come back from… if at all.

It’s a path that puts Felicity directly in the crosshairs of the Cártel de la Sangre, and ultimately into the arms, and bed, of the very man who might have the answers, Oliver Queen.  He’s bad news with pale eyes and a devil’s smile that hides a world of secrets, while she reminds him of innocence and of everything he lost to become who he is.

Set into the dark backdrop of drugs, sex, and murder, both of these strangers are willing to cross lines in search of the truth. But at what cost? 

i like my body when it is with your body by cmbing | Brooklyn NIne-Nine | One-shot

Summary: “Have you seen that really hot detective up on the fourth floor?”

“Have I? I’ll admit it—I have snuck up to use their copier just to see him.”

(or, amy finds out that jake is the hot guy of the precinct)

William Darcy Diaries by elizabeth_darcy | Lizzie Bennet Diaries | Completed

Summary: AU where it's Darcy who has the video blog, not Lizzie. Instead of writing her a letter, he sends her a link to his vlog to explain everything. How does their relationship change when Lizzie can see Darcy's perspective play out on screen?

From Russia with Love by  griever11 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Rookie FBI Agent and resident IT extraordinaire Felicity Smoak has just landed the assignment of a lifetime. Together with Supervisory Senior Agent Diggle, she returns to Starling City undercover in an attempt to flush out the elusive Odessa gang that has been a thorn in the Bureau's side for many years.

Leader of the Russian mob Oliver Queen stumbles upon a piece of information that unfortunately requires a certain set of hacking skills that no one he knows seems to possess. Lucky for him, he comes across an unusual criminal hacker who has mysteriously turned up in Starling and funnily enough, seems just right for the job. How's that for perfect timing?

Almost Lover by lust_muffin | Arrow | WIP

Summary: After the siege, after the whole mess with Slade Wilson, after telling Felicity he loved her without meaning it (but totally meaning it), things hadn't been great between them. Tension was running high, they had problems communicating when that was something that never happened before and Laurel... Laurel was making everything worse. Until one night, she went too far. And that was the point that changed their lives forever.Or a "what would Oliver and Felicity's life be like if they got together sooner?"

And then you walked into my life by @oliversmuse​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Felicity Smoak is a down on her luck IT specialist who has taken a job walking dogs. She enjoys the animals and less stress but she wants to get back into her field as soon as she can. Oliver Queen is a CEO of the most lucrative tech company in Star City. He has recently adopted a new puppy as a way to relieve his stress and decides to hire a dog walker. He never expects the blonde haired, blue-eyed beauty that shows up at his door and will change his life forever.

The Daughter That Was Left Behind by @laxit21​| Arrow | WIP

Summary: Before the Gambit, Oliver Queen met QC intern Felicity Smoak. When he boarded the Gambit, he left something behind. Now, five long years later someone is waiting for him.

Artemis by @laxit21​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: When the Queen's Gambit sank, two people were stranded on Lian Yu. Five years later, four came back.

I Scream But No Sound Comes out by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: When Oliver returns from Lian Yu after five years, he comes back different. What happened there damaged more than just his body. How will his friends and family deal with this new Oliver?

Time in a Bottle  by MaryESP | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Being woken by a call from Digg telling her, "Just leaving the manor. We'll pick you up in 30 minutes," was confusing enough. Waking in her old apartment? That was pretty trippy, yeah, but what REALLY threw her was how normal her boobs felt. She's going to kill Barry. Or the Monitor. Or whoever the FRAK did this. (Felicity falls asleep in late 2019 and wakes up six years earlier in 2013)

Soon You’ll Get Better by @stephswims​ | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Felicity finds a lump on her breast.

 @hope-for-olicity @emdee8907 @malafle @laxit21 @icannotbelieveiamhere

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

Oh yes I would love to hear explanations of why your otps are your otps!!

Really? Wow, okay, I don’t think you know what you’ve let yourself in for here haha. 

I’ll try and keep the explanations as short as possible, but there are times when I may get slightly carried away so forgive me haha. 

So as a reminder my OTP’s are Stefan/Elena (TVD), Eleven/Amy (DW), Jon/Ygritte (GOT), Buffy/Angel (BTVS), Michael/Jane (JTV), Monica/Chandler (Friends), Michael/Sara (Prison Break) and Dexter/Debra (Dexter). 

Emma/Regina (OUAT), Cook/Effy (Skins), Bonnie/Damon (TVD), Francis/Mary (Reign) and Jon/Sansa (GOT) are smaller OTP’s, but I’ll include them on the list. 

Stefan/ElenaStelena are the first ship I hardcore shipped when I actually knew what shipping was and for that reason they’ll always be special to me. I feel like I’ve spoken about why I love them so much in the past so I’m just gonna give a very brief answer and then link you to some previous asks and meta’s where I’ve talked about my love for them. In short, I love Stefan and Elena because of Nina and Paul’s chemistry which makes the relationship between them feel so realistic and organic, because of the people they became when they were together and the impact they had on each other’s lives, the inspiration they provided each other with to never give up, to always keep on fighting and live in the moment, the fact that they were genuine soul mates that connected from the first moment they met and remained connected even after Stefan’s death, that their love never stopped existing (to quote Klaus, “that kind of love never dies”) and that together they could’ve had the best possible future than they could’ve with anyone else (assuming they were both human). 

If you want to know more about why Stelena are my OTP you can also check out these posts (x) (x) (x) (x)Eleven/AmyWhere do I even start with these two dorks? With Eleven and Amy, they just captured me right from the very beginning. I adored their dynamic and the way Matt and Karen bounced off each other so perfectly. Just like Stefan and Elena, there’s the idea of soul mates (or in Doctor Who terms “the first face this face saw”) with Eleven and Amy that I’m really just a sucker for. It’s like they were always meant to find each other and be together. They both needed each other at the exact time that they met (again another Stelena theme) and something about that is so beautiful to me. I also think that Eleven freed Amy from a life of misery and the status quo that she was desperate to escape (a lot like Rose did in the early seasons) and gave her a better, more enriched and incredible life. Again, the idea of two people significantly impacting upon one another’s lives in a positive way is a concept I’m drawn to. 

I also love that they’re truly best friends - they trust each other, have fun together, confide in each other - but beyond that there’s this much more deeper and profound love. To me, Eleven and Amy’s love is that kind of love that’s not really quantifiable; you can’t put a label on it or really describe it because it’s so complex. It’s not “oh they’re best friends” or “oh they’re in love”, it’s a combination of the two and there’s still more layers to it than that, but there’s absolutely no denying their love and how powerful it is. 

I already wrote a pretty in-depth meta on Eleven and Amy that really does sum up the reasons I love them which you can read here. 

Jon/YgritteThis is a ship I never anticipated I’d fall in love with. Just like any of my other ships, the first aspect that I love about Jon and Ygritte is Kit and Rose’s chemistry (which is clearly amazing since they’re now engaged to each other haha). 

GOT as a show is generally pretty dark and depressing, but Ygritte brought light and joy into the show for me and I just loved her interactions with Jon. Jon as a character is pretty introverted, shy, broody and let’s face it sometimes socially awkward, but with Ygritte he came to life. Even though they met as enemies and Ygritte was his prisoner, there was an element of playfulness in their relationship from the start. Ygritte really challenged Jon, changed his perception of the world, opened his eyes to the prejudices towards Wildlings that his people and himself had, showed him the realities of their world and for that reason Jon became a more enriched and wise soul. And for Ygritte, Jon was someone different too, someone that changed her perceptions. They were quite literally from two different worlds, but that’s why they had such a huge impact on each other. Ygritte was a lot more headstrong and determined to maintain her morals, principles and opinions, but even she became more open and understanding. She said it herself, “You didn’t stop being a crow the moment you walked into Mance Rayders tent”. She knew he wasn’t a “true” Wildling and still technically “a crow” but she chose to overlook that and place her trust in Jon as the man she loved. 

In reality it’s a relationship that never would’ve worked in the world in which they lived, because they were too different. But at the same time, they had this profound connection and understanding. And I loved that through all their differences the two things they had in common were that they were warriors - they were willing to fight til their dying breath for what they believed in - and more importantly, they loved each other. Unlike what I said about Eleven and Amy and how complicated and complex their love/relationship was, Jon and Ygritte’s was utterly uncomplicated. They were in love and that was it. And it’s a love that was a beam of light amongst the darkness. It wasn’t a perfect relationship by any means, but there were those moments of peace, tranquility, intimacy and laughter that they shared that are rarely found in the GOT universe. 

Buffy/Angel

I already answered why Bangel are my OTP in a previous ask and I really can’t add anymore than what I’ve already said. (x)

Michael/JaneMy heart’s not even ready to talk about these two. I’m still healing from Michael’s death. Michael and Jane really represent to me everything that a healthy and positive relationship should be. Two people that were best friends, had fun together, bounced off one another, had a complete understanding and acceptance of each other’s identities, had a mutual respect and consideration for one another, worked as a team to sustain and improve their relationship and build a life together for themselves, Mateo and any future children they had and let’s not forget, they were genuinely in love. 

I wasn’t sold on them from the get go, but as the seasons progressed their relationship proved to absolutely be the right thing for both Jane and Michael. They were just so compatible and so in sync. When they got married and moved in together, it was honestly the most enjoyable time for me to watch JTV. I’ve always loved the show, but that was the point where I actually got excited to watch episodes and I remember just a few episodes before Michael died I thought to myself, “Wow, I never expected JTV would get this good after Jane married Michael.” And the reason that always sticks in my head is because the writers decided to completely ruin that by killing Michael (yes, I’m still bitter, can you tell? haha) immediately afterwards. 

Generally, I find Jane and Michael’s relationship to be so fun and uplifting to watch. They were actually funny together and there’s so many times where I’d just be grinning like an idiot at the TV during their scenes. I love that they kinda broke that stereotype that when you’re in a long-term relationship you stop having fun or things become boring, because with them it never did. And even when they felt like they were at risk of that they made sure they kept things fun by singing karaoke and impulsively buying a cat haha. I also loved that they destroyed the trope of the boyfriend the female protagonist has at the beginning is the underdog and completely irrelevant. Too often in movies or TV the writers start off with a female character having a boyfriend but invest no time in that boyfriend and completely dismiss the relationship as being insignificant when the new handsome mysterious guy comes along to sweep her off her feet. I loved that the writers actually acknowledged that actually, Jane was with Michael for a reason and even though she was attracted to Rafael and fell in love with him, she was much more compatible with Michael and in the end chose him over the new handsome guy. 

Something I loved about their relationship when they got back together is that they really worked to resolve their issues in a mature and healthy way. I remember watching 3x09 and it really reaffirming for me what I loved so much about their relationship. Michael was stressed about trying to get into law school, which was making Jane feel unsettled and stressed and when she tried to confront Michael he lost his shit because he couldn’t deal with taking on her stress when he was already stressed about sitting his exams. And for a majority of the episode it was basically this cycle of them both being anxious and stressed but not communicating that effectively or dealing with it as a couple so it came out in frustration. But by the end of the episode they fully confide in each other about their worst fears and they say this: 

I was wrong to push you away. And I know we have to figure out how to deal with stress better as a couple. We just… have to find a way to relax that reminds us that even in the worst-case scenario… we still have each other, right?

And this right here is the perfect example of a mature, healthy marriage and a big part of why I love Jane and Michael so much. Particularly, since TV shows and any fictional couples in any media are generally not written in this way. We rarely see them face real-life problems that they then work together to overcome. But that’s exactly what a relationship should be - supportive, loving, accepting. It’s about knowing that no matter how hard or tough things get, it’s always easier because you have someone right by your side that’s there to tackle it with you. That kind of love is the best kind because it empowers the people involved and makes them stronger. 

Monica/ChandlerDo I really even need to explain why Monica and Chandler are my OTP? I don’t think there’s anyone in the history of the world that’s watched Friends and not loved (or at least admired) their relationship. Just like Michael and Jane, Monica and Chandler’s relationship is the ideal I strive towards and everything I think a relationship should be (except Monica and Chandler have an edge over Michael and Jane since Chandler didn’t die months after they were married). Everything I could say about them is exactly what I’ve already said about Jane and Michael, because for me the two relationships are very similar. Best friends that had total respect and understanding, that were completely in tune and understanding of who they were fundamentally as people, that were accepting of each other’s flaws (Monica of his social awkwardness, sarcastic jokes and commitment issues and Chandler of her “high maintenance” ways) and that worked together as equals to build a life together that would make them both happy. I genuinely can’t find a single critique of this relationship.

Michael/SaraWith Michael and Sara, I just love the subtly of them. Unlike most of these other shows, Prison Break never threw relationships in your face. Michael and Sara’s love was always there and you knew it was, but it wasn’t over-dramatised or given lots of cheesy dialogues because it wasn’t needed to solidify them as an amazing love story. 

What intrigued me about these two in the beginning was mostly that it was essentially a forbidden love and I think everyone has one of those ships. He was an inmate and she was a doctor. The only rule of Sara’s job was to never fall in love with an inmate. A rule that was utterly broken when Michael came along haha. I loved those first scenes with Michael and Sara in the infirmary because it was so simple but effective in showing the building bond between them. Michael was an inmate that wasn’t truly a criminal. He was the odd one out in prison, he wasn’t like the others and seeing Sara was the only bit of normalcy he really got. He really cherished those moments. And I think for Sara, she was kind of unfulfilled in her life and searching for a connection without even realising it and she found it in Michael. She saw something in him that she just couldn’t let go of. He intrigued her, excited her and she knew she had to figure him out. But I think Michael saw the same in her. He saw that there was something in her that was sad or broken and he wanted to know why, but he also just saw in her a beautiful soul. I think part of why I love Michael and Sara so much as a couple is because I love them so much as individual characters. Both of them are characters that at first seem pretty simple and obvious, but there’s a lot of depth to them. I still remember how shocked I was when it was revealed that Sara was a recovering addict. It put an entirely different slant on her character and made me understand her motivations, actions and behaviours in a completely different way. Of course, a large part of the reason Michael and Sara are my OTP is that they never stopped fighting for each other. I talk about Stefan and Elena never giving up on each other but in comparison to Michael and Sara, Stefan and Elena are pitiful. The circumstances upon which Michael and Sara met and the situation they were in for basically the entirety of their relationship meant they never really had the chance to develop a “normal” relationship. Their lives were in constant chaos and they were always in danger. Yet through all of that, they never, ever gave up on each other or their love and the amount of sacrifices they made to keep each other safe is unbelievable. I mean, Michael faked his own freakin’ death, assumed the identity of a terrorist, cut himself off from everyone he loved for 7 years and went from prison to prison, ending up in an awful prison in a war torn country. Just the circumstances of their relationship, what they sacrificed for each other and the fact that they overcame it all is amazing and that alone makes them OTP worthy in my books. 

Dexter/DebraThese two are probably amongst the most unpopular or unknown of my OTP’s, but people don’t know what they’re missing out on with these two. Generally most of my OTP’s are what constitute as “healthy” or “good” relationships, but Dexter and Debra are anything but. I’d say they’re probably one of my darkest OTP’s (along with Cook and Effy), but that’s what I love about them. Just like Eleven and Amy, Dexter and Debra are so damn complicated, but that’s what makes them so fascinating to me. Dexter is introduced from the off as a psychopath that is incapable of human emotions including love, yet it’s established within the first few opening lines of the show that if he could have feelings for anyone he would have them for Deb. From the pilot and that line, Dexter’s feelings for Deb developed so much and we saw that Deb really was the one person he was capable of developing feelings for. At the end of season 1 when Dexter discovered that Rudy/Brian was his brother it seemed so obvious that Dexter would choose his brother, his own flesh and blood, someone that was just like him, over his foster sister. But he didn’t. Even in season 1 when Dexter was supposed to be at his coldest, he couldn’t let Deb die and actually killed his own brother to protect her. Immediately, this is something that drew me to the Dexter and Debra ship, because the appeal of a man that is incapable of love or emotion having love for this one woman is undeniable. 

Because Dexter and Debra are foster brother and sister there is a slight element of that forbidden love and when Debra came to the realisation that she was in love with Dexter it was pretty much presented as being sick and wrong. For some reason, I never saw it that way. The fact that they were raised as brother and sister and were in each other’s lives from such a young age is part of the whole reason why Debra fell in love with him. I think in terms of both of their characters, them being in love made total sense and this is why they’re my OTP. They were both twisted and traumatised people. Deb even said it herself, “You’re a serial killer and I’m more fucked up than you are.” They were both unhealthy and bad people, so it made sense for them to develop a slightly twisted and confused relationship with each other where the boundaries of sister/brother became kinda distorted. It made sense from Deb’s POV regarding the fact that, like she explained, all of her relationships with men had been so unstable except with Dexter. And it made sense from Dexter’s POV as someone who was incapable of love but always loved Debra. They both had such traumatic and unstable lives that it was only natural they’d form a co-dependency and I think any psychologist you speak to could explain why they’d love each other from a psychological stand point, because it did make complete sense. 

Dex and Deb were also soul mates. Again, an underlying theme with most of my OTP’s but they really were. There was this whole idea tied to them that one couldn’t exist without the other and that they were the other half of each other. And I think that was just proven by the finale when Deb died and Dexter basically became a recluse and ceased to exist by all accounts. They even admitted themselves that they were the one constant in each other’s lives and without that constant Dexter couldn’t go on. 

I think the overall reason Dexter and Deb are my OTP is not only because the messiness of them is interesting to me, but because despite that messiness they were just two people that at their core loved each other deeply and couldn’t live without each other. 

Also, if you’ve watched Dexter or plan to in the future and ship Dexter and Debra, please check out this fanfiction. It’s honestly the best story I’ve ever read and perfectly captures the complexity of their relationship and why I love them so much. 

Emma/Regina

With Emma and Regina I’ve already explained in-depth why I love them in previous asks, which you can read it here and here. 

Cook/Effy

I love Cook and Effy and think they’re so underrated as a couple (though admittedly the Skins fandom has gone quiet over the last couple of years). Like Dexter and Debra, the appeal with Cook and Effy is rooted a lot in the messiness of them. I like that they’re not a traditional or simple relationship like Monica and Chandler. I like that they’re different and unique. 

With Cook and Effy, I think there’s an association there I just can’t break. “We are Cook and Effy. The fucking world knows us.” I mean, that quote from Cook really sums it up doesn’t it? There’s just something about the two of them that makes them connected forever in my mind. I think that a lot of it is to do with the fact that they’re just so damn similar as characters. They were both reckless, passionate, crazy people that thrived on living each day and doing whatever the fuck they wanted. Deep down their reasoning for doing that was the same - because they were unhappy and lonely and trying to bury it with shallow pursuits of “fun”. A lot of their actions are directly the same and there are so many parallels to their similarities. It’s like they were such intensely emotional and sensitive people that the only way they knew how to handle that was to ignore it and pretend not to care about anything. It’s strange because the writers always seemed to portray it as being that Effy loved Freddie more than Cook because Freddie was different from her, more “good” and she needed someone like that to balance out the “bad” in her. I do understand the concept, but how boring is that? Her and Cook was such a more interesting dynamic and I really think that if they’d been written properly they could’ve had an amazing love story whereby they actually helped to heal each other and that as they grew and matured they could’ve been really happy together. I think that Effy was able to reach Cook in a profound way that no one else could and she could’ve helped reign him in and I think that Cook’s more care-free and fun attitude would’ve helped Effy’s depression to some extent (unlike Freddie who actually exacerbated it, even though he did try his best to help). 

I just think for all their flaws and the messed up elements of their relationship, they were a true powerhouse of a couple that had so much potential, were so great to watch on-screen and I just connected with them when I was a young teenager, which is a connection that doesn’t seem to be able to be broken. (x)

Bonnie/Damon

Bonnie and Damon are the third ship on this list that I consider being a dark ship that I’m drawn to. But I’ve already spoke in-depth about my love for Bonnie and Damon in the past which you can read in the following posts, (x) (x) (x) (x)

Francis/Mary

It honestly still surprises me that one of my OTP’s is from a show as terrible as Reign. In my opinion, Francis and Mary’s relationship was the only good thing about the show and seeing their endgame is the only reason I watched the finale after not watching it for over a season. 

What I love about Francis and Mary is that they’re a couple that were politically “set up” but they actually genuinely fell in love and built a happy relationship. Putting the whole drama with Conde aside (which was honestly just a gross and pointless plot device that I will never forgive the writers for), their relationship was loving, supportive and encouraging. Francis respected and admired Mary as a woman and a queen. He didn’t try to assert dominance or power over her as the man (something which would’ve been considered the norm in that time period) and he supported all of her political efforts and endeavors. 

There’s also a huge association with light with Francis and Mary. Yet another theme I seem to be drawn to (although I didn’t realise it until now haha). There are numerous times where they refer to each other as being their light and much like Jon and Ygritte, it’s this sense of the world they lived in was harsh and tough but in finding love with each other there was a beam of light that shone in their lives. Which I think is a very beautiful thing. 

Francis and Mary are also simply the love of each other’s lives. From the beginning there’s an inevitability of them. You know they’re the one for each other, you can just see it. It’s why even when they broke up and Mary “fell in love with” Conde, I had no doubts that she’d find her way back to Francis. It’s also why even decades after his death and having been in other relationships, Mary’s ultimate happiness and heaven was with Francis. He was the love of her life, her light and the finale really just solidified that fact. 

Jon/Sansa

This is the first time I think I’ve ever got the chance to talk about Jon and Sansa and explicitly admit that I ship them. It’s not a ship that came to me immediately and I think I’m gonna find it hard to explain why I ship them, but I’ll try my best. 

Putting aside the obvious reason of Kit and Sophie’s amazing chemistry, I think Jon and Sansa have come to be one of my favourite ships because they kind of incorporate elements of some of my other OTP’s. 

There are similarities to Debra and Dexter regarding the brother/sister relationship that isn’t technically/biologically a brother/sister relationship and how I feel the romantic feelings both couples feel for each other actually kinda stems from their relationships as children when they were brother and sister. Just like with Debra and Dexter, Jon and Sansa being in love makes total sense from a physiological perspective. Allow me to explain. Because Jon and Sansa were so different as children they grew up estranged and didn’t develop a “normal” sibling relationship, then they separated and both went through so much trauma and thought their entire family was dead so when they finally reunited they formed this entirely new bond. It was instantly an intense bond because they were so elated that they’d found a family member when they thought it an impossibility but also because they were a connection/reminder of their other family members. But because they didn’t have an established platonic/sibling relationship as children they were kinda creating an entirely new relationship that hadn’t really existed. And because they’re both older now, have gone through changes from children to adults, their bodies/appearances have changed so they’re more attractive and they both have sexual attractions/feelings. Add on top of this that Sansa has had extremely unhealthy and abusive relationships with most of the men in her life and Jon is the only man she has been able to truly trust and that they both had literally just been through the most horrific traumas before reuniting (Sansa was being abused/raped by Ramsay and Jon was murdered) and you’ve got this incredibly complex, confused but interesting relationship. And I’m kind of a sucker for those kind of complicated relationships that aren’t black and white. 

A big part of what also kinda made Jon and Sansa my OTP is the fandom. A lot like the Swan Queen fandom, the Jonsa fandom is just so active and creative and wonderful. I’ve never enjoyed reading any fanfiction as much as I enjoy reading Jonsa fanfiction. There’s also so many fantastic metas that really spoke to me and made me realise how much sense Jon and Sansa make as a couple.

There are just so many Jon and Sansa tropes/headcanons that I love. That they’re Ned and Catelyn 2.0 who marry for political reasons but actually build an incredibly healthy relationship with mutual love, that they’re two broken people that started to heal each other, that they share beds to keep their night terrors at bay, that Jon is the first man to actually treat Sansa with respect, that he’s the first one to make love to her and actually show her that sex is supposed to be gentle, kind and loving, that what starts out as a political marriage is actually mutual love that they’re both too afraid to admit, that they rule Winterfell and have little Starks named after Robb and/or Ned. Obviously, it’s an idealistic view on the relationship that’s mostly reserved for fanfiction, but I love it and thanks to Swan Queen, I discovered that shipping non-canon ships can actually be more fun a lot of the time. 

Jon and Sansa becoming my OTP is also because of my love for them as characters and the Starks overall. I can’t see Sansa ever getting a happy ending unless she marries Jon, because as a woman (and a Stark woman especially), she will just be expected to marry someone else for a political alliance and after everything she’s been through I just don’t want that for her (particuarly since there’s no one she’s even close to developing a genuine emotional or romantic connection with). Even if her and Jon married but it never developed into anything romantic, at least she’d be safe and cared for by someone that genuinely loved her and had her best interests at heart. As for Jon, I adore Jon with every ounce of my being and I think he deserves better than D and that she can’t give him what he wants. Jon has always craved to be a true Stark, he’s a northerner to his core and I think his heart belongs in Winterfell with his family and that includes Sansa. I know there’s complications with him being a Targeryen and the Iron Throne and all that jazz, but  when I simplify it in my mind, I want a happy ending for the Starks and Jon and Sansa being together (romantic or not) seems like the best way for that to happen. 

So that’s it!  In a very brief and summarised format (trust me this is short in comparison to what it could be haha) there’s why my OTP’s are my OTP’s. I hope I didn’t bore you too much haha and thanks for asking! :)

[ampersands-and-guitars]

The Inverted Tales of Amelia Pond & Clara Oswald

Author’s Note: I recently realized I never posted the meta I wrote for @101clarastosee ! With everyone’s Whovian spirits ramping back up, I figured this would be a good time to share. 

The story of Clara Oswald could have been a tragedy. It could have been about a young woman who met the Doctor, abandoned her Earth life, and thus lost touch with everything that was once important to her, leading to her premature death. For a different type of character, this particular arc could have been a cautionary tale. But it was not. Clara’s story is not about her losing herself, but heartily embracing her true self. It is clear just how wonderfully uplifting Clara’s story actually is when you compare her to her predecessor in the T.A.R.D.I.S., Amy Pond.

Young Amelia Pond meets the Doctor when she is a child. Throughout her adolescence, she dreams about running away–about leaving her mundane home life to explore the universe. She fixates on him to the point where it interferes with her regular life. Her entire town knows about her fixation with her “imaginary friend,” and she goes through multiple therapists trying to prove his existence. She spends her formative years as the Girl Who Waited, wondering if, just like her family, her Raggedy Man had abandoned her for good. When she finally gets the opportunity to travel with him, she takes it, leaving her fiancé behind. Her entire life, she was planning her escape. Her Doctor finally gave her that chance.

But the thing is, this is not the life Amy Pond finds she is meant to live. Over the course of her time traveling with the Eleventh Doctor and her eventual husband Rory, Amy’s priorities start to shift. Throughout their travels, Amy learns that life with her Raggedy Man is not all he was cracked up to be–that at times, even her Imaginary Friend could fail her. At times, he would accidentally place her in dangerous situations with consequences, the most severe being ripped away from her child, Melody, because of the Doctor’s involvement in her life. She loves her best friend, but eventually outgrows the lifestyle her childhood-self romanticized. As Amy matures, she realizes the value she places on her stable home life with Rory, and that perhaps the Doctor is stunting her growth as a now grown woman. She becomes less afraid of a typical, grown-up life with the man who has always loved her and never left her waiting. The girl who always wanted to run away from the ordinary stops running, instead choosing a settled life with her husband. It is a choice that beautifully fits her character arc.

But then we have Clara, whose story is an inversion of Amy’s in so many ways. When the Doctor meets Clara Oswald, she is already out of college. She has 101 places to see, but she puts her adventurous side on hold to help care for a friend’s children. And when she agrees to travel with the Doctor, she understands what she is getting herself into, unlike Amy. She does not use time travel as a way to run away from her adult life, but rather, as a way to live out her dream of traveling without abandoning her responsibilities and loved ones. 

The more Clara travels, the more she seems to love it–the thrill of saving the day, the opportunity to see magical new worlds. She proves to be an incredibly brave, independent companion who is willing to give her life by jumping into the Doctor’s time stream. In nearly dying for the sake of the greater good, she shows she is committed to the Doctor’s way of life.

Enter Danny Pink.

When Clara begins dating Danny, she is forced to balance her Earth and T.A.R.D.I.S. lives more adeptly than ever. She still cares about her regular life–her job, her blossoming relationship–but not so much that she’s willing to give up her “hobby.” In fact, she continues to become more invested in her life with the Doctor, as she learns to expertly lie in order to maintain her balancing act. Danny offers her a different perspective on life that she does not seem convinced of: He says he appreciates what’s right in front of him, the beauty of a regular life. To Clara, it is absurd to think that anyone would be happy settling down when there are so many wonders to behold. When she explains her love of time travel to Danny, she almost looks ashamed. Here is this young soldier who appreciates every quiet moment, while she cannot help but yearn for something more. She tries her best to prioritize their relationship, but in many ways, it feels forced; while she clearly loves Danny, she simply cannot get into his mindset. Unlike Amy, that life is simply not meant for her.

And we see this more clearly after his death. With nothing holding her to her home world except her job, she more freely throws herself into adventures, guilt-free. With no more children to care for, and no more romantic relationships to maintain, it’s abundantly clear this is exactly what Clara Oswald is supposed to be doing with her life. She maintains all of the beautifully human aspects of herself–her warmth, her kindness, her sense of humor. But she additionally embraces living like the Doctor. The Doctor might worry about his influence on her, but really, she’s just growing into her own skin. In her T.A.R.D.I.S life, she is encouraged to not only let her flaws show, but use them to her advantage. Yes, she’s controlling, and has a talent for lying. But Clara is no longer forced to be the bubbly young woman masking bossy control freak tendencies. She is fully herself, through to her death when she courageously faces her fate–brave, kind, daring, and clever, but unfortunately just stuck in a misleading situation. Until her true final act, of course, when her insistence on keeping the memories of becoming the woman she was meant to be inadvertently grants her a second chance at life–a regeneration of sorts. Just as Amy could not continue life on the run, Clara could not continue an ordinary life. Clara was tragically ripped from her Doctor, but the story of Clara Oswald is anything but a tragedy. Because even if their stories are the exact opposite of one another, Clara Oswald, like Amy Pond before her, is exactly where she was always meant to be: In a T.A.R.D.I.S. of her own that will allow her to continue visiting those 101 places.