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catslvrr · 11 months

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one too many years

kim minji x fem!reader | one shot

Synopsis: Minji comes back into your life after 3 years and asks you to take her on a drive, for old time’s sake. There’s a lot of feelings involved.

Contains: cursing

Playlist

You were fourteen when you first met Minji.

It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. You had seen her around, since you practically shared all the same classes, but never had the chance to interact one-on-one. She was merely a passing thought — that pretty girl who sat in the top ranks alongside you.

It was when the two of you had been paired up for a science project — something about a presentation on the digestive system, that you finally got to know each other. But not necessarily in a good way. You didn’t leave the best first impression after the first conversation.

You weren’t a hardworking person. But you weren’t stupid either. Growing up, you were used to being one of the smartest in the room. Teachers would always praise you for being naturally intelligent and academically gifted. You would do the bare minimum, leaving everything to the last minute, and yet always somehow end up with almost perfect scores.

You grew complacent, cruising through school with no worries in the world. So when you first started working with Minji, and she rambled on about meetups and splitting tasks and deadlines, you couldn’t help but internally scoff.

Minji pulled you out of your thoughts with a tap on the arm. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Huh?” You reflexively closed the MonkeyType tab.

“I asked what parts you wanted to cover,” she narrowed her eyes at you.

“Oh,” you waved dismissively. “Just give me what you don’t wanna do, and I’ll send you the stuff the day before it’s due.”

“What?” Minji scowled. “That’s way too late. I won’t even have time to proofread it and make the presentation pretty.”

“Two days?” You suggested with a half-smile.

She ran her fingers through her hair as she let out a sigh. “Three.”

“Okay, boss!” You grinned, opening up MonkeyType again and aggressively typing away, trying to beat your WPM record. “Done deal.”

Minji stared at you for a few seconds longer before huffing and turning to her laptop, starting her research.

(The two of you passed with flying colors, to no one’s surprise (except Minji’s), and that was when any grudges that Minji held against you flew out the window. Because if there was one thing Minji cared about, it was her grades.)

And that was how the two of you officially forged your friendship — Minji would always force you to be partners for any collaborative projects that came up, and you didn’t have anyone else to partner up with anyway.

You slumped back in your chair and balanced yourself on its hind legs, looking around the room in boredom. Everyone else seemed to be actually doing their work. Something about researching a famous author.

“Hey,” you bumped Minji’s knee with yours under the table.

She ignored you for a few minutes until she couldn’t stand the constant nudging. She stomped her foot on yours.

“Fuck!”

“What do you want?” She hissed under her breath.

“What’re you doing?” You leaned towards her, obnoxiously peering over her shoulder to scan the document she had opened. It was a bunch of gibberish, to you anyway, but it had a nice color coding system at least.

“Researching Sylvia Plath,” she muttered. “Something that you should also be doing right now.”

“You know I’ll get it done,” you smiled cheekily, casually draping your arm on her chair.

Minji chose not to reply. You watched her type up an analysis of one of Plath’s texts, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in your foot.

“…Have you ever tested your words per minute?”

She gave you a side-eye. “What’s that?”

You bit back a smile. You knew how competitive she was. “It’s just a measure of how fast you can type. Think the average is around 80 or something.”

You could practically see her ears perk up at the word ‘average’.

“Is that what you do every lesson?”

“Most of the time. Or I’m playing Octagon.”

“Am I meant to know what Octagon is?”

“I’ll introduce it to you next time.” You shifted Minji’s chair closer to yours and dragged your laptop to her. “Here, try it out. You just have to type the words on the screen for 15 seconds straight. The words are random.”

“Is that it?” She furrowed her eyebrows.

You nodded. “You can type whenever. The timer starts as soon as you type.”

You watched as she began furiously typing, almost poking holes through the keys. Your eyes flitted around the room, checking to see if anyone noticed Minji assaulting her keyboard.

“Damn,” you whistled as the final score showed up. “Not bad.”

“100 and it’s my first time,” Minji proudly beamed and cracked her knuckles. “I’m above average.”

“Alright, relax,” you laughed softly. “Don’t get too ahead of yourself, hotshot.”

“What’s your record?” She eyed you suspiciously.

You tried to hide your smirk as you shrugged nonchalantly. “Oh, nothing much. Just a measly 160.”

“What?” Her face dropped. “No way.”

“Yes way,” you nodded smugly. You successfully set the bait, now all you needed to do is reel it in. “There’s actually a website where we can ‘race’ against each other.”

Minji opened a new tab and swiveled her laptop in your direction, a doubtful look on her face. You smiled victoriously as you clicked your way to TypeRacer. Caught her.

The two of you spent the rest of the lesson racing against each other, Minji grumbling every time she lost (which was every round).

It was something else — watching Minji slowly unravel and open up to you. When you were expecting her to start homework early in class, she would ask you to get on TypeRacer instead. The two of you spent time playing other games too: Lavaboy and Watergirl, Tetris, Cool Math Games, and Octagon, of course.

Unfortunately, you still had to do work. There was an unspoken compromise that you could only get her to play games after you had finished the assigned work, so you actually ended up not procrastinating and finishing everything early for once (and in record time, too).

Becoming friends with Minji was easy. Seeing each other every day, you naturally grew closer and talked about everything under the sun. And eventually the two of you became inseparable. The two of you became known to be attached to the hip, never one without the other. You were proud of this, proud to be associated with such a good person, and you hoped Minji felt the same.

(Internally, you were surprised that Minji would choose to continue being friends with you outside of classes. There were better classmates out there. Regardless, you were grateful for the opportunity.)

You grew up together. You were there when she broke down in the bathroom after her speech on climate change because she thought she bombed it (she didn’t). You were there when she discovered the Harvard Reference Generator for the first time (she had written bibliographies by hand before this, which was absolutely mind-boggling to you).

Likewise, she was there when you were panicking at 5am because you hadn’t finished your history research paper on the Indo-China war that was due in two hours. She was there when you accidentally fell asleep in the library and almost missed the next class.

There was no better person to call a best friend. So it wasn’t much of a surprise that falling in love with Minji was even easier. There was no dramatic realization, no lightbulb moment where you suddenly stopped in your tracks and felt the world flip on your head as you thought Fuck, I like Minji.

It was quieter, creeping up on you, as if it was always there. As if it had already been written in fate. You do remember the first time you consciously admitted it though, cementing it in your heart.

Both of you were 15 by then. It was a languid Tuesday afternoon, and you were doodling random shapes as the teacher droned on about erosion and longshore drift. You lazily smiled as you observed Minji — the sharp slope of her nose, the crinkle in between her eyebrows, her tongue slightly poking out as she diligently wrote down notes.

Feeling your gaze on her, Minji turned to you and quirked her eyebrow, nudging you as she wrote ‘What are you staring at?’ on the margin of her notes. You shrugged innocently and looked away with a smile and burning ears.

She’s pretty, you thought. I like her.

Young love — it was naive and innocent. You would do stupid things to get Minji’s attention, like leaving your collar messy or ruffling your hair just so she would fix it. You remember making playlists with her in mind so you could zone out and daydream about her. You cherished these moments. You weren’t one to want, but you wanted Minji.

To you, Minji was the highlight of your high school experience. From sharing Airpods in class and queuing airhorn sounds to watch her jump in her seat when it blasted out of nowhere, to inviting yourself to her Google documents so that you could change the font to be unreadable and the color to a blinding neon pink, to receiving her Airdrops of cute puppy photos, to accidentally downloading viruses from trying to watch anime on illegal streaming websites, to taking Photobooth pictures of each other sleeping.

And this was enough for you. Habits were hard to break, and your longstanding tendency of procrastinating didn’t appear out of nowhere. It was rooted deeply in the fear of failure — you were so used to being good at everything on your first try, or without having to try at all, that you were scared that if you did try, and failed, people’s perception of you would change.

So procrastination was a way for you to control this fear; it provided a scapegoat, for if you ever failed, you could blame it on a lack of time rather than your own shortcomings.

This fear translated to your feelings for Minji too. You had never liked anyone else before, and you were terrified of failure, the unknown possibilities that came with confessing. You would rather swallow down your feelings and bury them deep within your chest than have to face rejection and lose your best friend.

(And it wasn’t like you thought you had a chance either. She had always been the smarter one, the kinder one, the more responsible one out of the two of you.)

And so you let the feelings fester in silence, all the way up to graduation. It wasn’t easy to hide your feelings, but it wasn’t hard either. You resorted to teasing Minji like you always did, and seeing her happy was enough. She stayed focused on her studies and continued to excel in all her classes.

Your job was just to be there for her, to be the one to help her relax and find respite from studying.

You were both 18 when you graduated high school. Minji was going away for university, somewhere far away where you couldn’t follow. You weren’t shocked — you always knew Minji was greater than this place. That’s how it always was in your head: she would go on to find success while you stayed behind in the shadows, cheering her on.

You had a plethora of things to thank Minji for. She never let you fall behind. Even if her kicks on your shin left bruises, at least it got you to stop playing Minecraft on your laptop and attempt to be productive.

It was embarrassing to admit that one of your biggest motivations to study and try was to be considered worthy as Minji’s friend. Not that you would admit it to anyone. You made it to graduation, and that’s what mattered.

You never liked saying goodbye to Minji, but you knew she would do well wherever she went. This goodbye wasn’t like the others, where you knew you could go to sleep with the promise that the two of you would meet at the school gates the next day.

It was more definitive.

You let out a long exhale as you leaned against the school gate, waiting for Minji to finish speaking to teachers, friends, and family who were congratulating her.

You watched as students filed out, chatting animatedly and taking photos together. You probably weren’t going to remember any of them. You plopped a lollipop in your mouth. It was strawberry-flavored, just how Minji liked it.

You smiled as you saw Minji coming out.

“Hey, Miss Popular,” you teased. “Done greeting all your fans?”

She rolled her eyes. “Are we going to get ice cream?”

“Yeah,” you pushed yourself off the gate and started walking to your car. “I thought that ceremony was never going to end. Tell me why every speaker kept yapping on and on.”

“Right,” she groaned. “I was trying my hardest not to fall asleep.”

The two of you walked in silence for a while before Minji broke it. “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “The same, I guess. How about you?”

“Scared,” she admitted. “University seems like such a big change.”

“Yeah,” you said. You had been trying not to think about it. “You’ll be leaving in a few weeks, right?”

She bit her lip as she nodded. You both got in the car.

“Have you packed?”

“I’m about halfway done. It’s harder than I thought,” she complained sulkily. “I want to take everything with me.”

“Does everything include me?” You asked cheekily as you started the car, passing Minji your phone to pick a song.

“Absolutely not,” she deadpanned. “You would be the last thing I’d bring.”

“Liar. I’m way better than whoever you’re getting as a roommate.”

“Are we talking about the same person? I’ve literally seen the state of your room… it’s like a landfill in there.”

“No it’s not,” you said defensively. “It may be a little messy, but everything has its own place. It’s organized in its own way.”

“Sure,” she chuckled. “You keep telling yourself that.”

You pulled up to the place. You took a while to parallel park (Minji laughing at you while recording didn’t help), but you got it eventually. It was a quaint little store, and the two of you were regulars. You both got hooked after discovering this place when you got lost trying to find where you parked for a shopping trip.

You smiled when you heard the familiar chiming of the bell as you opened the door, the air-conditioning hitting you in the face. You chucked your lollipop stick in the bin. The store owner, a middle-aged woman from the area, looked up and waved in recognition.

She was sweet, sometimes giving you both an extra scoop or toppings if you showed her good test results (which was all the time). The only issue you had with her was that she kept trying to set Minji up with her son who was almost graduating from university.

“The usual?” She asked, already preparing your cups.

“Yes, please,” Minji answered with a polite smile.

You both sat down after collecting the ice cream with thank you’s and the payment (this one was on you). Minji would always get the cheesecake flavor (which you never understood and adamantly refused to try), while you would settle for the classic chocolate. Sometimes, if you felt adventurous, you would ask for pistachio.

“It’s hard to believe that this might be the last time I eat here for a while,” Minji said.

“I know,” you pouted. “The poor store is gonna lose so much money now that you’re gone.”

You winced as she kicked you under the table. You mentally noted to get your shin x-rayed at some point.

“You're so annoying,” she grunted. “Can’t you be sentimental for once?”

You were sentimental. Especially when it came to Minji. You just weren’t the type to show it. That was one of the differences between the two of you — Minji was straightforward and self-assured, never having trouble voicing her feelings. You, on the other hand, preferred to mask your emotions with humor and deflections, saying a lot without really saying much.

You liked that about Minji. It was definitely jarring when you were first getting to know each other, but you learned to appreciate her bluntness and honesty. It meant you didn’t have to overthink as much.

“I am sentimental!”

“You literally gave me a card that just said ‘HBD’ on it for my birthday. Actually, it wasn’t even a card! It was a post-it note.”

“That is sentimental…”

Minji glared at you.

“Okay,” you huffed, folding your arms. “Maybe it’s not. But it’s the thought that counts.”

“If you’re so thoughtful,” she tilted her head. “You wouldn’t mind helping me clean and pack, right?”

“…Fine.”

You regret not getting a parting gift for Minji when she left. Her departure was bittersweet, like all departures tend to be, with tearful promises to keep in touch. You never ended up confessing, and so you tucked away your feelings in the locked box that held all of your memories with Minji — the one you kept hidden in your closet, filled with birthday letters from her, polaroids, receipts and other miscellaneous collectibles from your time spent together.

The hardest part was watching her cry as she said goodbye, both to her family and friends. She had always been more of the crier between the two of you. You remember her pulling you in for a hug, her arms wrapped tightly around you as her tears stained your hoodie.

“I’ll miss you,” she sniffled. “Keep in touch, okay?”

“I’ll miss you too,” you mumbled, barely audible over the chatter in the crowded airport. “You’ll do great, just like you always do.”

She pulled back with a sad smile. “Thank you, Y/n. I’ll try to come back soon.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

You held back your tears on the drive home, only allowing yourself to cry when you reached the comfort of your bed.

You weren’t one to welcome change. You enjoyed the stability that routine brought. Minji leaving was a change that left a gaping hole nothing could fill. You always preferred solitude, but the loneliness that was gnawing at you because of Minji’s absence was hard to adapt to.

‘Keeping in touch’ never really works out the way you want it to. The first few months were fine, the two of you consistently Facetiming and texting as you both settled into uni life. Then as months went by, texts were less frequent, especially during exam season.

By the time you were both 20, communication was sparse between the two of you. The two of you were never avid texters anyway. You did chat from time to time, making small talk, or talking when there was something to talk about, like birthdays or a memory popping up on Snapchat.

Small talk with her wasn’t really small talk though. You savored every conversation, clinging onto past memories and what she made you feel.

It wasn’t really the same. Both of you knew this. You never held it against Minji, though. Watching her Instagram stories with her new friends and posts of her adventures brought you happiness. You hoped she was happy too.

But on the melancholic nights when you went out on drives to ease the emptiness, coasting through the sleeping streets with nothing but the moon to guide the way, you felt Minji’s ghost in the passenger seat. And if you tried hard enough, you could almost feel her presence, imagine her soft laughter.

You would always wonder if she was also thinking of you when she lay in bed at night, when she opened up a new document, or when she went and ate ice cream with her friends.

When the ache in your chest was too much to bear, you would roll down the window, find solace in the wind blowing against your face, and turn up the volume of your playlist to drown out your own thoughts. You felt silly for yearning for someone who was miles away now, both literally and metaphorically.

You were 21 when you met Minji again. It was the end of the year, so anyone who left was finding their way back home for the Christmas break. You knew she was coming back, you saw the stories of her packing and the pre-flight pictures.

This was the first time she was coming back — she couldn’t make it the previous three years. You didn’t know why, because you didn’t ask. You didn’t know if you still had a place to ask.

She texted you and asked to hang out. It didn’t really come to fruition until one unsuspecting Friday night. You were playing a parkour map on Minecraft when you received a call notification from her. You almost dropped your phone when you saw it.

“Hello?”

“Y/n, hey.”

You wiped the sweat off your palms. It had been a while since you last heard her voice.

“Did you need something? It’s almost midnight…”

You heard her scoff over the phone. “Don’t act like you go to sleep early.”

“I’m not! It’s just, you know, pretty random for you to call out of nowhere. Especially at this time.”

There was a short pause. You set your phone on your lap as you continued to make your way through the parkour map, distinctly tasting the strawberry flavor of the lollipop more now, for some reason. You knew why.

“Are you seriously playing Minecraft right now?”

You stopped. “…Maybe. How'd you know?”

“I can hear you smashing the space button,” she laughed, sounding almost fond. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

You cleared your throat to fight the embarrassment. “Anyways. What’s up?”

“Oh, right. I know it sounds crazy, but do you wanna go on a drive?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah. For old time’s sake, you know. And I miss you.”

“Um,” you got off your bed and opened your closet. “Sure.”

“You’re driving by the way.”

You rolled your eyes. “Thanks for letting me offer.”

You grabbed a familiar hoodie. It was Minji’s. You remembered Minji stealing your hoodie, and giving one of hers to you as a peace offering. You both agreed that the swapped hoodies were a better fit for each other. You decided to wear another one.

“I’ll pick you up in 15?”

“See you soon!”

“Wow,” Minji said as you pulled up in her driveway. “New car?”

She was still so pretty. You temporarily discarded the lollipop stick in the cup holder before popping your head out of the window. “Get in, loser.”

“I kinda miss your old one,” she clicked her seatbelt in as you started to reverse out.

“You sure about that?” You asked incredulously. “The air conditioning didn’t work half of the time. And the window on your side couldn’t fully roll down.”

Minji shrugged. “Still held a lot of memories.”

You both smiled as you reflected on the many nights spent in the old junk: belting your hearts out on highways, feasting on fast food in empty parking lots, sitting on the hood at lookouts that flaunted the city’s charms. You put on your playlist that you always had on loop whenever you thought about her.

“Speaking of memories,” she continued. “I see you still have this little guy.”

She poked the bobblehead of a monkey wearing sunglasses. It bobbled. She bought it on a whim at one of those quirky souvenir stores because the two of you were both born in the year of the monkey. Little Guy had been here for a while, since your old car.

“New car felt pretty empty,” you said. “I couldn’t live with the guilt of throwing him out.”

What you didn’t say: I have a bad habit of hoarding anything that reminds me of you.

“That’s good to hear,” she grinned, reaching into her pocket. “Because I bought him a friend!”

You glanced at Minji in amusement while the light was still red. She carefully placed the new bobblehead next to Little Guy. It was another monkey one, slightly taller than the original, and it was posing with a peace sign.

“Where’d you find that?”

“Pure coincidence,” she explained. “I was out shopping with my friends one day and I saw it. I knew I had to get it.”

You tried to focus on the road as thoughts began racing through your head. She still thought about you. That was good to know.

“Thanks.”

You bit your lip as there was another lull in the conversation. There would always be so much to say back then.

“I can't believe it’s been three years,” is what you settled for.

“Yeah,” Minji’s eyes softened. “It has.”

You tightened your grip around the gear stick. “How are things over there?”

“Really good,” she answered. “Besides university. That’s always a pain in the ass, no matter where you are.”

“That’s good to hear,” you said. And you truly meant it.

“I get homesick a lot, though,” she confessed. “I miss the food, my room, everything. You should visit one day.”

“Maybe,” you pursed your lips. “I’m super broke after buying the new car, though.”

“Do you still do the tutoring thing?”

“Yeah. It’s relatively easy and brings the money in.”

“I still can't believe you willingly tutor math.”

“And I still can't believe you don’t tutor. You’re so much smarter than me.”

“That’s not true,” she frowned. “But, I’m glad you bought the new car. So I don’t have to drive.”

You sighed in mock frustration. “Three years and you’re still a passenger princess.”

She only laughed in response. “Enough about me. How have you been?”

“I’ve been good. Just living life.”

Heat washed over you as you felt Minji’s intent gaze on you. There was always something so compelling about her, the fact that she could disarm you easily and make you feel unguarded.

“Uni sucks,” you continued hesitantly. “I’m still procrastinating. And playing Minecraft during my lectures.”

“I was wrong,” she said with a hint of a smile. “You’ve changed.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “I have?”

She tilted her head slightly, still studying you. “You seem more… withdrawn. And grown-up. Weary, even.”

“I’m the same as I always was,” you said, but you weren’t too sure who you were trying to convince. Maybe spending all this time alone along with the inevitability of growing up did change you.

“I’m still amazing at typing. None of my friends have beat my record yet.”

“Of course you still brag about that,” Minji rolled her eyes.

She turned to face the window again, watching the scenery that rushed past.

“But, my point still stands. You have changed. Since when was I the one to lead the conversation?” She asked playfully, but you knew there was some truth behind it.

Younger you would jump at the opportunity to hang out with Minji and talk her ears off. When the two of you started to grow apart due to the long distance, you subconsciously stopped initiating conversation. You just wanted to quell your feelings and move on as soon as possible. It worked, for the most part, you think.

Until tonight, that is. Seeing her again after all these years fostered emotions you weren’t sure you wanted to face. You’d never tell Minji any of this, though.

“You’ve changed too,” you said. “You look older. Hag.”

“Rude,” she scoffed and pinched your hand on the gear stick.

“I’m joking,” you continued with a faint tug on your lips. “You carry yourself lighter now. But you still have that maturity about you.”

She leaned back in satisfaction at your response, humming in acknowledgement.

“By the way, did you have a destination in mind?” You blurted out. “Cause I’m just driving mindlessly, if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s fine,” she murmured, her gaze lingering on you. She could always read you like a book. You hoped that these years changed that. She could probably feel the nervousness and awkwardness radiating off you.

You welcomed the silence as you tapped on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the current song, processing what was happening. Minji was here, in the car, with you now. Just like how it used to be. A different car now, though. And a different her. A different you, too. You had missed her so much, but now that she was here, you didn’t know how to feel or what to say.

You took a last-minute turn, deciding to drive on a path that you knew all too well, one you could practically drive with your eyes closed.

(Pass by the park where you would force Minji to push you on the swing. Keep driving straight until you reach that one flickering street lamp, then turn right. Continue driving, cross three roundabouts, then turn left on the fourth, driving onto a rocky road.)

Minji smiled as she recognized the destination.

You parked the car and the both of you hopped out, feet on the gravelly surface. You had walked on this ground so many times now that it was basically ingrained into your feet. The two of you sat on the hood of your car. It was a bit chilly, but the hood was still warm from the engine.

Minji breathed out deeply. “This view never gets old.”

“No,” you murmured in agreement. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Did you still come here?” She turned to look at you. “When I was gone, I mean.”

“Sometimes.”

The two of you continued to take in the view, both lost in your own thoughts.

You always wished you could capture a moment in time, especially the moments with Minji: the light fluttering in your chest, the quiet intimacy you two shared. This moment was no different.

Nostalgia was a deceiving thing. You had dreamt of this moment so many times — meeting Minji again. That it would be like the polaroids you kept at home, give you peace of mind, provide you with some sort of comfort. It was silly of you to think that, too idyllic and quixotic. Maybe it was a good thing that you’re not as optimistic anymore.

You could barely contain your shock when the next words came out of Minji’s mouth.

“I loved you, you know.”

You swallowed down the hope that started to rise in your chest like water. You didn’t want to drown in the feelings you had suppressed long ago.

“I loved you too,” you said warily, slightly confused. “You were my best friend.”

The use of past tense left a bitter taste in your mouth. But you were afraid she had moved on, found new friends and found a home in them.

Minji smiled wryly. “I meant that romantically. As in more than best friends.”

You took in a sharp breath. You wanted to cry. All those years I spent wanting, you thought, and she loved me too.

“You loved me?” You whispered in disbelief, wringing your hands together.

There was an unreadable look on her face. “You say that like it’s hard.”

Isn’t it? You wanted to say. What could you possibly have loved? The tight squeeze on your chest was persistent, uncompromising to your pain.

“I loved you too,” you said quietly. You had always thought confessing would lift the weight off your shoulders, free your heart from the burden of hiding. You never felt more hopeless than in this moment, though. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How could I?” Minji replied as she sagged her shoulders, her voice small. “I was so sure you only saw me as a friend. You were always teasing, so I didn’t know if you were seriously flirting or not. And you’re not the emotional type… I couldn’t tell how you felt about me.”

“I’m sorry,” you exhaled shakily. “You seemed so focused on your grades and your work, I thought I never stood a chance.”

“You don’t need to apologize. We were both stupid,” she shook her head with a chuckle. “I can’t believe teasing was your only way of showing affection. I think tonight’s the first time I’ve heard you say ‘I love you’.”

You never wanted to say it, because you felt guilty that it meant something else to you than it did to her (or you thought it did). You wanted to give your younger self a kick in the shin.

Minji’s eyes were glassy, shining with unhushed tears, and you wanted to reach out to her. Your hands were resting on the hood of the car, only centimeters apart. If you were brave enough, you would inch your finger closer, ever so slightly, to brush against hers.

But you were never courageous.

You felt like you were suddenly 14 again, staring at your laptop screen, staying up late to finish your Sylvia Plath research task, reading an excerpt from The Bell Jar. You had stared at the fig that held the possibility of you being Minji’s for so long, never daring to believe it, and watched it die. And the way your heart plummeted now was the fig dropping at your feet.

You tried to not let the quiver in your voice show. “Do you think things would be different now if one of us confessed back then?”

“Of course it would be,” Minji smiled ruefully. “But there’s no point in thinking about it too much. What’s done is done.”

She was right — what-ifs were a dangerous rabbit hole to find yourself in. You didn’t know which was more paralyzing: the fear of ‘what if Minji rejects me’ from back then, or the regret of ‘what if I had confessed’ now. It’s always so easy to berate yourself for making the wrong choice once you know the outcome.

Then, as an afterthought, she added, “I wonder how the younger versions of us would react to us now. I don't think they'd recognize us."

You laughed softly. “No, they wouldn't."

The two of you spent a few more minutes in silence.

“You’ll be leaving again in a few weeks, right?”

“Yeah,” she checked her phone, hopping off the hood. “We should head back. It’s almost 2am.”

There was so much left unsaid. But if you had learned one thing from tonight, it was that things were different now. This is how things were meant to end. Sometimes, things just don’t work out, and you just have to learn to live with it.

You should’ve realized how stuck you were in the past, your mind refusing to accept the fact that everything has changed. And that everything will continue to change.

There was a certain sense of freedom in the conversation on the way home, like the two of you knew that you wouldn’t get something like this again. You reminisced and laughed about the good old times, and you think that this was enough. This is what you needed.

Letting go can be a beautiful thing as much as it is painful. And love isn’t something you ever stop doing, or feeling, it’s always present in whatever fig you choose to grab, and it transforms into what it wills. You’ve chosen yours, and Minji’s chosen hers. You’ll always love her, just not how you used to.

“Thanks for the ride,” Minji clumsily pulled you in for a hug (it was a bit cramped because you were both in the car). “Take care of Little Guy and Big Guy.”

There weren’t any promises to keep in touch this time, and that was okay. If you were to ever see each other again, then nature will take its due course.

“Enjoy your time back here, Miss Popular,” you smiled. “I’ll see you when I see you.”

You watched Minji exit the car. There was a fleeting spark of hope as she lingered at the door, but you quickly shut it down. You weren’t the kids you used to be. But maybe in another lifetime, things would end up differently.

Your eyes followed her as she walked to the front door, waving at you before entering the house and closing the door behind her. You waited until you saw her bedroom light turn on through the window.

You started the drive back home and turned up the music, deciding to take the long way.

#newjeans x reader #newjeans fanfic #newjeans fic #kim minji x reader

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teeswrites · 3 months

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C.L- Never be the same

Masterlist

Synopsis

Collaborative playlist

Chapter 1 everybody, let's get into this!!! Enjoy :)

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Chapter 1: A girl with hazel eyes and a hand full of scars

May, 2023

York Veterinary Center, NYC, USA

"You need some break from this!" Heidi said bending over the receptionist's counter "I don't have time for a break" she said while signing a few records "I bet you have you just don't want to" She sighed and stared at her "Probably you have a lot of doctors here. You work a lot and I am one hundred percent you can take a break for a whole week if you asked to. You just don't want to delegate" "What can I do in my time off?" "Don't you have any hobbies, family or friends?" "I have. I have time for them on the weekends" "What about a trip? I know you like the French Riviera" she looked out of nowhere with a dreamy expression on her face "Yes, Monaco personally" "See? Talk to your boss, take a a few days off, go to Monaco" "Nah, I would need to save some money for it" she thought a little "So come to Miami with me" "Miami?" "Yes" "What do you have to do in Miami?" "Go to the beach, watch Miami Heat play, watch Formula 1" "Formula 1" she always forgets Heidi dates Daniel Riccardo "Do you like it?" her last ex was crazy about it. It have been 6 years since they broke up and she haven't seen one race since then "I haven't watched a grand prix for a while now" "Really?" "Yes. 6 years" "Wow. It's a lot" "Yeah. Is Daniel still racing?" "Not at the moment but he's Red Bull's reserve driver" "That's nice" Heidi disagreed with that "Did you attend a race already?" "Never" "Come with me then! I can get you a VIP pass with Dan" She actually missed watching the races and she always wished to go to watch one in person. It would also be expensive even with the tickets on Daniel but less than Monaco for sure "Alright, H, I go with you" "Really?!" "If I get the day off, yes" "Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm so happy!" She jumped over her and hugged her friend "Okay, now let me work" "Alright"

...

May, 7th, 2023

Miami International Autodrome, Miami, USA

Charles was everything but satisfied with his position that weekend. Carlos started from 3rd position and him from 7th. What a good way to start a race. The thing that made him most angry was how could super Max win the damn race starting from 9th in the grid when he couldn't even gain one single position?! At least he maintained in 7th while his teammate lost 2 positions ending in 5th. Things were shady between the Ferrari's drivers that year. And the "crème de la crème" of the weekend was an annoying journalist wanting to talk to him at all costs

"Is it a good time?" It wasn't a good time, he hadn't stopped Super Max and he climbed the grid to get the pole. But even so, he smiled politely "Yes, sure" he wasn't convincing himself but seemed to convince the lady "Good! Charles, how do you feel?" Broken. Useless. "Not in my best mood, but... Looking forward to better days" "That's the spirit. Can we do something to up your mood?" Force Max to retire next season "Just keep supporting me, seriously, your love messages... Mean a lot to me" the interviewer opened a warm smile "You're lovely" he opened the same smile "I'm just being honest" and he was "would you like to make a retribution for a fan?" No! At least not right now. I was just hoping that you all would leave me alone to hate myself for the crap I'm feeling today "Sure" "Great! Please follow me" Nice! Now he had to relocate. "Wait here" she walked a few feet towards a tall man "Excuse me" She started. The man who was laughing with two girls turned to the lady who Charles knew as 'the interviewer' "Daniel Ric? Are you the fan of mine?" Daniel opened his big signature smile "No. I mean, I am but the surprise isn't for me but for this little one here" Daniel stepped to the side and showed a little girl, who was about 6 to 8 years old, wearing Ferrari's whole outfit. The journalist squatted and asked the girl "Hello. My name is Valeriana, I’m a journalist, do you want to meet my friend?" 'We are not friends' Charles thought. The kid nodded "Charles, would you like to join us?" "Sure!" he said shyly and the child tapped her mouth as she was meeting Santa "Oh, my God" he didn't know why but her reaction gave him the power he wanted back. He smiled and offered a hug to the little one, lifting her up with one arm only "I didn't know the fan was her. Could have warned me so I would have aligned my hair" he told Valeriana running his fingers on his hair, causing everyone to laugh "Hi, nice to meet you, princess" she was still the same way, frozen like a photograph "She's a shy lady, don't be offended" Daniel placed his hands on her shoulders and squeezed lightly "Hi!" she said quickly just for him "Hi! How's your name?" he replied warmly, a smile on his face "Celeste" "That's a beautiful name. Is it French?" "Yes" "Nice to meet you, Celeste. I'm Charles" "You're amazing" "Do you think?" "Yes" "Well, thank you, Celeste. You're also amazing" she blushed, wishing to disappear "Would you like me to sign your cap?" "Please" "And take a picture?" she nodded affirmatively " Okay, let's do it. Will you take the picture, Dan?" "Sure!" Daniel grabbed Celeste's mother's cell phone and photographed them "There you go" "Does someone have a pen?” Charles asked. People started to look around for a black marker as if God had asked himself, and the first person who did it was a girl, one of the girls who was talking to Daniel when he first came to the scene "Here" she had a strong American accent and her hands had tons of scars. He didn't feel as hypnotized as he was at that moment in a while. She had brown, straight, short hair but long enough to be tied, hazel eyes, and light skin which he figured out was soft even with all the scars when his fingers brushed on hers at the moment he grabbed the marker "Thanks" she nodded. Charles placed Celeste on the ground and knelled to sign her cap and shirt "There you go, Celeste" she hugged him "Thank you!" he hugged "You're welcome" Then he stood up "Say goodbye to Charlie, Celeste" Daniel told her "Goodbye" he smiled, she was so cute "Bye bye" then she ran for her mother . "Thanks, Charles" "It was my pleasure" then he walked away from the journalist and walked towards the owner of the pen "Your pen, miss" "Thanks" she grabbed it quickly "Would you like me to sign something for you?" "No, thank you" "Or a picture?" "I'm good" Wow, she was tough "Do you know I..." "You're Charles Leclerc, I'm aware" "Oh... okay"' he coughed "Goodbye, then" "Goodbye" If little Celeste didn't appear to cheer up his day, he would be damned.

...

Later that day

"Come on, it will be funny. I promise" Lando threw an arm around Charles's neck and forced him to walk toward the club "Lando" the British man pretended he wasn't listening "Lando" he still didn’t give a shit "Lando!" Charles shouted. Lando stopped and the Monegasque got rid of him "What!? Don't want to have some fun?" "Lando..." "Even Max is here, mate!" he turned to where his friend was pointing. Max was holding hands with Kelly and right beside them Daniel holding hands with a blonde lady he assumed was his girlfriend and with them, the hazel eyes princess who caught his attention earlier that day "Look in my eyes and tell me you don't want to come with me. Do this and I'll let you go"

of course, he wanted now, his girlfriend probably wouldn't but he was not going to do anything wrong "You won. I'm joining you" Lando smiled "Yes! Let's go" and they walked into the club. Already inside the duo decided to split

"I'll have us some drinks, go dance" "Will you find me?" "Sure! Who else would dance so badly in this club?” Charles threw him a deadly look “I’ll call you if I don't, mate" "Alright" Lando made his way to the bar and Charles to the crowd. Maybe dancing made his mind off the championship. Even though his mind was already on something else, the tough girl with honey eyes and scared hands. Charles was so distracted that he bumped into Heidi "Sorry, miss." her drink spilled on the floor “I can pay you another drink” She turned to face him "It's fi... Charles!" he looked confused "Do we know each other?" "I'm Heidi" he still had no clue "I'm Daniel's girlfriend" "Dani Ric?" "Yes!" "Oh! Hi, it's nice to meet you" "Nice to meet you too. Hum... are you here alone?" "No! I am with Lando" "He's such a nice boy, isn't he?" "He is" they smiled politely to each other "You came with Daniel, right?" "Yes, he's looking for a restroom" "Good" "I also came with a friend, she went to the bar to find herself a drink" Heidi looked from above Charles' shoulder "Look her there" he turned to where she pointed "Apparently she found your friend too". Heidi's friend was the girl he was looking for and she was walking toward him, giggling with Lando Norris "Fuck, Lando! You promised it would be funny" Charles thought. "Hey, guys!" Lando started "Heidi! How long. How have you been?" "I'm good, thanks" "Where's Daniel?" "Bathroom" "Oh! Right" "I see you found my friend" "Yes, hum..." he turned to her "That's Charles" "I met him earlier today" "Hello again" "Hi" "Your drink, mate" "Thank you" "Wow, I can't go to the bathroom and you guys already start the party without me" Daniel came to break the tension of the moment "Hi, Daniel" Lando and Charles said in unison "Babe, let's dance" "Alright. See you guys around" Heidi and Daniel walked away from the trio. "Charles, do you mind if I take her to dance?" OF COURSE I MIND, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU HAVE THE WHOLE CLUB TO DANCE WITH AND YOU WANT TO TAKE THE GIRL I LIKE TO DANCE?! Charles thought without actually being able to say cause after all he was taken already "No, not at all" "Alright" Lando offered a hand to her "Shall we?" she giggled "Okay". Charles gave a big sip of his drink "How can she be interested in him and not me?" he sipped again "I might have offered her a drink instead of an autograph".

....

A few minutes later she was walking toward his direction again. He was sitting on the bench with his third drink. This time she was not with Lando "Hello again for the third time today" she smiled politely "Hi again for the third time on this da. Can I sit here?" "Yes, please" "Thanks" "Where is Lando?" "He went back to the bar" "And you rather sit here with me?" "He left his friend alone in a club. I felt bad for you" "I thought you didn't like me" "I don't dislike you. I just have empathy" "You're kind" she smiled, politely "Thank you" "So you don't hate me?" "You are just way too convinced in my opinion" "I'm not!" "You seemed to be" "I know. I was just trying to impress you" "You chose poorly, Mr Leclerc" "I thought so. Sorry" "It's okay" "Are you from Miami?" "New York" "And what are you doing here?" "Heidi invited me to watch the race. She says I work too much" "What do you work with?" "I am a veterinarian" "Wow. So you're very clever" "I am" "And that's why you have so many scars on your hand" "Why did you choose the profession?" "I always went along more with animals than humans" he laughed "Vous êtes drôle" "Merci. Mais je t'avais dit la vérité" "Parlez-vous français?!" "Oui. J'ai apprendré a l'école" "J'ai pensé que vous êtes française" "I'm not. I'm American" "Well, I like animals too" "Do you have a pet?" "Are you trying to get a new client?" "No" she said seriously "I am just trying to talk" "Okay" he sipped his drink again “I don't. "And you? Any pets?" Yes, a black cat. Her name is Sabrina" "How cute!" she grinned, shyly "I would like a turtle too but I live in an apartment in Brooklyn" he laughed "I already saw turtles in Monte Carlo" Her eyes brightened "Monaco?" "Yes. It's where I'm from" "I dream of visiting Monaco" "You would love it. It's... perfect. Even with all its imperfections" She could see how passionate he was about his home country "I believe" he looked at her and for the first time in the night their eyes met and they smiled at each other. But, of course, Lando had to break it "Your drink, lady" "Thanks" "Move" She sat in between Lando and Charles and the Monegasque swore he couldn't breathe. But at the same time he could breathe so perfectly cause his nostrils were happily filled with her scent, her perfume

"What were you guys talking about?" "Monaco. I dream of visiting it" "Do you know I live in Monaco?" "You are both lucky" "Maybe you could visit me one day" "What?!" the other two said in unison "I... I couldn't" "Why not? Is that about money? I can pay for everything for you" "No, Lando, I can't accept that. Especially that we just met" he smirked "So we should know each other mor" She blushed "Yeah, maybe" Charles just wanted to die.

...

About an hour and a half later Heidi and her friend decided to go back to the hotel

"Well, I am leaving now guys. Thanks for the night. I had a lot of fun" "My pleasure, lady" Lando kissed her hand, she giggled and Charles rolled her eyes "Mine too" the Monegasque added "May I have your phone number?" Lando asked "I don't think so" "Your socials maybe?" She chewed her inner cheek "Sure" he smiled "Great!" He opened Instagram and gave it to he, she tapped her account. Charles had an eye on it, trying to get the username without having to ask her or Lando but he didn't succeed "There you go" "Thanks! I DM you" "Alright. Hum... Bye then. Till another day, maybe" "Bye!" The F1 drivers said in unison. As soon as she turned her back, Charles glued his eyes on Lando's phone. Of course, it was a private account. He didn't have much time to see the username cause Lando already was reaching for another drink but he saw a lipgloss on the floor. Had she dropped it on purpose? It didn't matter. Charles just grabbed it and reached out for its owner “Hey!” She turned back “Your lipgloss” “Oh my God! Thank you! It's my favorite” “You’re welcome. Hum… can I also have your Instagram? So we can talk” “Sure! Give me your phone” he did “There you go. I am waiting for your text” “Okay” “Bye, Charles. Enjoy the rest of your evening” “Bye. You too” and that was it, the beginning of their story.

#f1 #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #charles leclerc #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc 16 #charles leclerc fanfic #charles leclerc f1 #scuderia ferrari

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caustinen · 3 months

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THE SINGER-SONGWRITER AU!!! 🖤🤍 the amount of back and forth pining that would happen 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️when u said gale could literally hand john a song called being in love with ur best friend, the first song that came into my head was dress by taylor swift (they’re so taylor coded to me in every au 😭🩵)

i feel like before they get together gale would sometimes slip in subtle, specific details & sometimes not even notice he’s doing but at the same time sometimes does it on purpose too (ex : he’d write about stuff they’ve done together before, places they’ve been together together) john would be all like ??? this feels familiar… and he’d go through an internal conflict that’s like from hell to back because it kinda feels like it’s about him but then there’s no way it could be about him right? and gale would be so frustrated because why isn’t john taking the damn hint but also why is he singing the songs with so much emotion like is he relating to it?? has he done this stuff with someone else too?? they both really do share one brain cell when it comes to each other, my dense, pining babies 😭🩵 these two definitely have the most dramatic getting together, im talking like in the pouring rain sort of love confession, i love them

also, when you say they write the most sappiest songs once they get together (I SO AGREE) the first song that came to mind was can’t help falling in love (shoutout to austin’s elvis, you will never be forgotten <33) at this point, i have a whole playlist for them in my head

again, so sorry this got so rambly 😭😭 sending you loads and loads of love, my favourite person on this app!! 🩵🩵🩵

AHHAHHA you so get it and put it into words better than i ever could!!! i have to admit i’m not very familiar with taylor’s music but if you have more songs for a playlist i’d love to hear!!

uuf i can imagine bucky’s inner turmoil, like the amount of guts it would take to actually ask ”hey, is this fucking song about me??” because if it wasn’t he’d never forgive himself for ruining his friendship AND the greatest artistic collaboration of his life all at once… but when he doesn’t, i need gale to follow the ”i’m in love with my best friend but he just doesn’t get it” with ”HOW ARE YOU THIS DENSE (idiot ((affectionate))” 😭😭

okay but i just listened to aurora’s ”exist for love” today and this is what i imagine buck writes for bucky after they get together:

need to develop this further, thank you for your contribution!!!!! austin’s elvis covers are the most romantic soundtrack to keep working on this 😍

#buck x bucky #clegan #singer-songwriter au #mota #masters of the air #gale cleven #john egan #writing #buck #bucky

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kay-elle-cee · 1 year

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4, 21 (EYES EMOJI), 46 for the writer asks! happy monday!!!

Hana, lovely Hana.

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Music, mostly! It's no secret I love musicals, and will just listen to showtune playlists on shuffle, so sometimes an out-of-context song can really just spark something (A Thrill Divine, Down My Spine, anyone?). Additionally, a lot of my fics are titled after lyrics that have in some way inspired, if not the idea itself, the direction they take.

21. Would you ever collaborate with another writer for a story?

Hana. 👀 Why you askin? 👀 I have collabed in the past but left them high and dry....in my defense I was 17 and school was intense 😅 I truly believe that story turned out better for my lack of participation, she finished it beautifully (different fandom, different pen name 😜 best of luck to anyone trying to find it). That story was ALSO titled with lyrics to a song...

All that to say it's been a WHILE, but I'd possibly be open 👀 I think I'm better with time management now. Less extracurricular activities.

46. How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc)

Ahhh I think character-driven for sure. restless waves, while my baby, was so frustrating with the plot because there were times I just wanted to be to the emotional beats and not writing a damn SWORD FIGHT, haha. I so enjoy diving deep into internal monologues and emotions and trying to parallel that between characters.

Thank you so much, lovely <3

Get to know the writer asks!

#asked and answered #cascader

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beingbethunes · 12 days

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Everything is up in the air...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2R6Jre-tJLQ In todays video we start the journey towards @VidSummit by making the two and half hour drive to Albuquerque, New Mexico. We drop Kevin, Eloise, and Chico off at the boarding facitlity, and then we head over to @petsmart for Theodores haircut and bath! We visit Old Town Albuquerque for a bit while dropping Jenn off to spend some time with her new friend. We wrap up the day at our accommodations for the evening at the @bestwestern by Albuquerque International Airport, where we would head out the next morning to Dallas, Texas! 🔔 Want to see what bus life is really like? Subscribe for travel vlogs, family fun, tips on full-time bus life, and the challenges & rewards of nomadic living! https://www.youtube.com/@Beingbethunes/?sub_confirmation=1 🔗 Stay Connected With Us. 👉 Facebook: https://ift.tt/LSysDiH 👉 Instagram: https://ift.tt/hVfE7Y1 👉 Website: https://ift.tt/mBgcn0G 📩 For Business Inquiries: [email protected] ============================= 🎬 Recommended Playlists 👉 Red White and Bethune Video Collection https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbsa419fPMaUDRazUO42e5qP7MzRzNt6T 👉 Shorts- Red, White, and Bethune https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbsa419fPMaVlPa60lmj59dc5Dmf5mMoz 🎬 WATCH OUR OTHER VIDEOS: 👉 Homestead Projects, New Deli Lunch & Jenn's Big Fall - Family Vlog | BeingBethunes.com https://youtu.be/cmdpwi_6uv0?si=YIhV0Lb4bCTJxviR 👉 Daily Life In Our Bus: Taos Errands & Dining Room Makeover - Family Vlog | BeingBethunes.com https://youtu.be/8iH81YWwujg?si=KAOePsTrtSqBSCeq 👉 Our Longest Road Trip Ever: Final Day Of Van Life - Family Vlog | BeingBethunes.com https://youtu.be/-Vjiv_B63dU?si=L0BbSCBwIGEw9V4M 👉 Living In A Van With PTSD: Our Toughest Day On The Road | BeingBethunes.com https://youtu.be/cO7sZ00Mdk4?si=WgSI9uiyGPaUIteh 👉 Escape The Heat In Leadville, Colorado: Best Van Life Camping & Hidden Gems | BeingBethunes.com https://youtu.be/BBrxfgTsaus?si=tCe6f7U0Fl7e8niZ ============================= ✅ About Being Bethunes. Welcome to Being Bethunes! We��re a family of 5 with 4 dogs, living our dream on the road in our vintage bus, Blue Betty. In August 2019, we sold our Florida dream home to embrace full-time travel across the U.S. The pandemic sped up our plans, and we quickly adapted to life on the road. Four years later, we’re still exploring the country as full-time nomads, sharing adventures, challenges, and the joy of living free through travel vlogs. From discovering new places and spending quality time together to simple living in New Mexico, we’re all about making memories. Join us for tips on bus living, travel experiences, and the ups and downs of nomadic life! For Collaboration and Business inquiries, please use the contact information below: 📩 Email: [email protected] 🔔 Curious about nomadic life in a vintage bus? Subscribe for family fun travel vlogs and tips on full-time bus living, challenges, and making lasting memories! https://www.youtube.com/@Beingbethunes/?sub_confirmation=1 ================================= #albuquerque #familyvlog #vidsummit2024 ⚠️ DISCLAIMER: We do not accept any liability for any loss or damage incurred from you acting or not acting as a result of watching any of our publications. You acknowledge that you use the information we provide at your own risk. Do your research. Copyright Notice: This video and our YouTube channel contain dialogue, music, and images that are the property of Being Bethunes. You are authorized to share the video link and channel and embed this video in your website or others as long as a link back to our YouTube channel is provided. © Being Bethunes via Being Bethunes https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcpfi5cDAJ23oJ7nkwx9FXQ September 15, 2024 at 01:12AM

#fulltimervfamily #rvtour #busconversion #travelwithkids #livinginabus #mentalhealth #vloggers #travelvlog

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daveg65 · 10 months

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284 - Stolen Device Protection for the iPhone - With Jill McKinley, Jeff Gamet, and Ben Roethig

The latest In Touch With iOS with Dave he is joined by guest Jill McKinley, Jeff Gamet, and Ben Roethig. iOS17.2 is released. We do a full review of the key new features. iOS17.3 Beta 1 was released and big news of Stolen Device Protection feature now protects from over the shoulder stealing of passcodes and more. GM thinks CarPlay is not safe and that's why they won't offer it anymore. Where do we buy our Apple Products? Is the Apple Store the best place to go or big box stores and cellular carriers? Plus much more.

The show notes are at InTouchwithiOS.com

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Give us a review on Apple Podcasts! CLICK HERE we would really appreciate it!

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News

Apple Now Selling Standalone USB-C AirPods Pro Case for $99

Apple's foldable iPhone is one step closer as Samsung Display begins internal reshuffle

Really? GM Says It's Nixing CarPlay to Make Drivers Safer and GM Says It's Ditching Apple CarPlay and Android Auto for Your Safety

Apple Delays iOS 17's AirPlay in Hotel Room Feature Until 2024

Disney Says The Hulu App Will Not Shut Down As Hulu Content Merges Into Disney+

AAPL stock closes at new record high after adding $1 trillion to market cap this year

Topics

Beta this week. iOS17.3 Beta 1 was released this week.

Apple Seeds First Betas of iOS 17.3 and iPadOS 17.3 to Developers

Apple Seeds First Beta of watchOS 10.3 to Developers

Apple Seeds First Beta of tvOS 17.3 to Developers

iOS 17.3 Beta Adds Collaborative Apple Music Playlists Again

iOS 17.3 Beta: All the New Features So Far

The big story in iOS17.3 Beta is the Stolen Device Protection that Apple implemented.

Apple Makes Security Changes to Protect Users From iPhone Thefts

iOS 17.3 Beta Adds New Stolen Device Protection Feature to iPhone

iOS 17.2 was released to the public this week. We discuss some of the key new features.

Apple Releases iOS 17.2 With Journal App and More

iOS 17.2: How to Change Your iPhone's Default Notification Sound

iOS 17.2: How to Translate Speech With iPhone's Action Button

iOS17.2 Release Notes

About the security content of iOS 17.2 and iPadOS 17.2 ****note update list below

Older releases About the security content of iOS 16.7.3 and iPadOS 16.7.3

Apple Removes Option to Buy TV Shows and Movies in iOS 17.2 iTunes Store App

Where do we buy Apple products? Ben gives his experience on buying a iPhone from a Apple Store and had difficulties. Here's where people buy their iPhones, iPads, and Macs

Jeff reviews the knock off Apple Watch band. Buy it here. https://amzn.to/3RqsyCs

Announcements

Macstock 7 2023 Digital Pass is now available. Relive the conference as you can Purchase a Digital Pass see the talks that many of our regular guests and contributors did including Dave, Brittany, Chuck, and Jeff. https://macstockconferenceandexpo.com

Our Host

Dave Ginsburg is an IT professional supporting Mac, iOS and Windows users and shares his wealth of knowledge of iPhone, iPad, Apple Watch, Apple TV and related technologies. Visit the YouTube channel https://youtube.com/intouchwithios follow him on Mastadon @daveg65, and the show @intouchwithios

Our Regular Contributors

Jeff Gamet is a podcaster, technology blogger, artist, and author. Previously, he was The Mac Observer’s managing editor, and Smile’s TextExpander Evangelist. You can find him on Mastadon @jgamet as well as Twitter and Instagram as @jgamet His YouTube channel https://youtube.com/jgamet

Ben Roethig Former Associate Editor of GeekBeat.TV and host of the Tech Hangout and Deconstruct with Patrice Mac user since the mid 90s. Tech support specialist. Twitter @benroethig Website: https://roethigtech.blogspot.com

About our Guest

Jill McKinley is a professional in the field of enterprise software, server administration, and IT. She started her technical career in Windows but now exclusively uses a Mac in her personal life. She hosts several podcasts, including Start with Small Steps and Small Steps with God, where she offers tips and insights for a better life. Her podcast is at https://startwithsmallsteps.com and X @schmern.

Here is our latest Episode!

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jzontheazarian · 1 year

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James Bambu’s New Single is a “Collect Call” You Don’t Want to Miss

If you're looking for some smooth and soulful tunes to spice up your playlist, look no further than James Bambu, the R&B singer who blends different influences and styles to create his own musical identity. From his colorful performance on COLORS to his latest single "Collect Call", he has been making waves in the indie scene with his honest and expressive songs. We caught up with him to talk about his musical journey, his influences, his creative process, and his thoughts on being a queer artist of color in the industry.

youtube

Q: We first discovered you on COLORS. What inspired your energy for that performance?

A: During that era of making music, my main goal was simply to display ‘love’ in a musical format, and for me “Succulent” was a representation of Black Love in all forms. COLORS was such a fantastic platform to present songs at the time, so I was excited to bring that energy to the main stage.

Q: How would you describe your musical style and influences?

A: I consider myself to be musically fluid in that I’m an R&B singer, but my music reflects the many subgenres, and history, of R&B as a traditional genre. So, one day you may hear a 70’s inspired Funk-R&B track, and another day you may hear a more Alternative, House inspired R&B track.

Q: What is the story behind the song “Collect Call” and how did you achieve that heavy sound?

A: To put it simple, I consider “Collect Call” to be the aftermath of what being Fed Up looks like for me. I’ve let my heart out, I’ve cried, and now I wanna smash windows and curse out the person that pissed me off. I want to be free in how I present myself in the moment, and you might see a side of me that you’re not used to. To embody this in the sound, I wanted to channel more Trap and Pop R&B sounds that I might find in my hometown Atlanta, versus my usual soulful pocket. All in all this production choice fit the mood and idea of the song a lot better.

Q: Being from Atlanta, then living in both California and New York, which HUB has been most impactful on your creative process and produced the best music you've made thus far?

A: I would definitely say that LA is more productive when it comes to needing to decompress and get in the mindset of putting my story down on wax. During my time in LA, it sort of reminded me of Atlanta in that there’s nature everywhere, and less clutter, so I was able to step back and assess all of the things I had gone through both in life and in music. Who am I? What do I want out of making music? Questions like this consistently crossed my mind and translated into songs in different ways. New York on the other hand has always been more productive for me visually, and as the person who works on my own visuals I really enjoy collaborating here with photographers and videographers during the process of releasing the music.

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Q: How has your experience of being a queer artist of color shaped your journey in music and what are your thoughts on it when it pertains to today's music industry standards?

A: Being a queer artist of color has certainly been a journey in itself because although I've always been open about queerness in my personal life, I used to think that in order to have a career in R&B, it was something I shouldn't express online. I’m someone who seeks community in my creative life, so the internal conflict came in when I realized there was no way that I could find or build community in spaces I’m comfortable in without fully being honest with myself and how I express the different parts of me out in the world. I think that the industry, and individual people in the industry, could do a much better job at recognizing that in order for artists to deliver great music and be outstanding entities, they have to be given the space to live life and become comfortable with publicly expressing themselves and how they move through the stages of their own personal development, in whatever way they see fit.

Q: What are some of the challenges and opportunities you face as an independent artist in the industry?

A: One conversation I often have with my artist friends is how ‘imposter syndrome’ can be the barrier between the artist seeing things from the outside looking in, and how this can hinder them from truly recognizing how to present themselves to the world. I had to fight past this, but I think that recognizing what my strengths are, and using these strengths have allowed me to find people that appreciate what I do, and how I do it. In the same sense I’ve connected with so many creative people who share similar visions as me, and this has opened up opportunities for collaboration and growth. Being independent also means that I have full control over my creative direction, and I can experiment with different sounds and styles without any pressure or expectations from anyone else.

Q: What are your plans for the future and what can we expect from you next?

A: Right now I’m working on my next project, which is a continuation of the themes and sounds that I explored in my previous EPs. I want to dive deeper into the stories of love, loss, and self-discovery that I’ve experienced in the past few years, and share them with my listeners in a way that resonates with them. I’m also looking forward to performing live again, and connecting with my fans and peers in person. I think there’s a lot of exciting things happening in the R&B scene right now, and I’m grateful to be a part of it.

Stream “Collect Call” and follow James Bambu on his appropriate social sites @jamesbambu.

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#james bambu #collect call #new music friday

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vindelllas · 4 years

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the beauty of uttara ashadha 🌞🐘:

🐘 naomi campbell: uttara ashadha lagna

*MAJOR TW// i discuss a lot of potentially triggering topics, i.e. abuse and racism. some of the uttara ashadha natives i exhibit and talk about are known for their terrible behavior and scandals. i do not condone their offensive and ignorant behavior. they are simply being shown to solidify my opinions on the nature of this nakshatra*

as you read this post, please listen to this uttara ashadha playlist i made for the full experience: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/207xxveKWd1TlN12Sr5GAW?si=G5F-Hd3_SHui2PYViP8hkQ

🌞 in the krittika nakshatra, we saw the fiery combination of kuja’s rashi and surya’s vimshottari rulership. krittika represents the cosmic fire of purification, as kuja is the planet of leadership, chandra is the planet denoting our mental state, and surya is the embodiment of the true yang path. in the uttara phalguni nakshatra, we saw the giving and serving nature of surya shine through the solar embodiment of aryaman and the leo rashi. buddha bestowed this nakshstra with the ability to sense areas of need within others and find the best ways to solve others’ issues and realign them with their dharma path. in uttara ashadha, we see these natives embody the cosmic fire we once witnessed in krittika and eventually learn to master the importance of finding yourself in your soul. as compared to looking to the accomplishments you have helped others succeed in for personal reaffirmation (a problem uttara phalguni natives struggle with). uttara ashadha’s ruling deities will serve as their cosmic guides through these deeply purifying solar states.

🌌 the deities of uttara ashadha are the ten vishvadevas, the ten universal gods. in sanskrit, vishvadevas translates to “all-knowing or omniscient”. these ten gods represent the evolution of uttara ashadha natives’ lives: vasu (meaning brilliance or wealth-giver), satya (being truthful in one's thought, speech, and action), kratu (strength and willpower), daksha (rituals and people), kala (time and death), kama (cosmic desire and creative impulse), dhriti (steadiness and retention), kuru (ancestors), pururavas (abundance, surya, brightness), and madravas (zenith of joy). let’s take a closer look at a few of these deities to examine the path of uttara ashadhas.

✨ satya, loosely translating to "truth/essence", is equated with and considered necessary to the concept of rta. rta means order, rule, and truth. rta is the principle of natural order which regulates and binds the collective universe and all of it’s inhabitants. in the hymns of the vedas, rta is said to be what is ultimately responsible for the proper functioning of the natural, moral, and sacrificial union of life. due to this, rta is said to uphold dharma. satya gives birth to the possibility of rta, due to satya’s regulatory and binding nature. truth (satya) is considered to be essential and without it the universe and reality falls apart and, therefore, can longer function. this is why satya is also considered to be our essence, the core of our being. truth is considered to be a form of alignment with the divine. the whole foundation of christianity, and most prominent religions, stress abiding in your cosmic truth. in the book of james 1:18, it reads “of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.”. when we welcome the essence of satya, we flourish in internal beauty and the truth blooms and beams on our physical surface.

👠 this internal radiance of satya is the reason the solar nakshstras, primarily uttara ashadha, are one of the top placements for prominent models like victoria’s secret angels. such as, stella maxwell (krittika surya and uttara ashadha chandra), behati prinsloo (krittika surya and uttara phalguni chandra), chanel iman (krittika chandra), doutzen kroes (uttara ashadha surya), marth hunt (uttara ashadha chandra), josephine skriver (uttara ashadha chandra), karolina kurkova (uttara ashadha chandra), jac jagaciak (uttara ashadha surya), erin heatherton (uttara ashadha chandra), etc.. solar beauty radiates like the sun illuminating drops of midnight dew on crisp greenery or radiating and reflecting the vast sky on to the indigo crests of waves. solar beauty is a beauty that often goes unnoticed for a long time, only to be rediscovered for it’s rich depths. it is like when one is too focused on looking downward at the earth’s greenery and ocean, only to forget the beautiful light that illuminates these beautiful forms of nature. solar beauty radiates and encompasses the native as a whole. it gleams and shines like the bright surya. this is why we see uttara ashadha natives brimming with warm and olive undertones, freckles or beauty marks, and shiny hair. they embody the cosmic youth and the truth that nourishes “the firstfruits of creatures”. this is why solar women are so aesthetically pleasing to the eye, as they cause sensory overload, modeling the act of one’s eyes hurting from looking at the sun for too long.

👁 according to the rigveda, the antithesis of rta and surya are anrita and asatya, meaning falsehood. falsehood is considered to be a form of misconduct. satya includes factuality, reality, truth and reverence. satya is our past, current and future. it is considered to be the functioning of our world. the falsehood of anrita and asatya are reflected in surya’s association with the right eye. in the christian religion, the right eye signifies the evil from which is falsity and the left eye is the falsity through which is evil. in zechariah 11:17, it states “woe to the worthless shepherd that deserteth the flock! the sword shall be upon his arm, and upon his right eye; his arm withering shall wither, and his right eye darkening shall be darkened”. in this scripture, the arm is said to denote the power of truth applied to confirm evil (satya). the right eye symbolizes the memory and knowledge of good applied to confirm falsity. the shepherd represents one who teaches truths, leading others along the path of dharma. in matthew 5:29-30, jesus spoke, “if thy right eye hath caused thee to stumble, pluck it out, and cast it from thee. and if thy right hand hath caused thee to stumble, cut it off, and cast it from thee; it is better for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not thy whole body be cast into gehenna”. surya’s rulership of the right eye is why uttara ashadha natives frequently struggle with eye issues. because of this, uttara ashadha natives usually wear glasses or contacts and become associated with/profit off of their glasses. for example, george clooney (uttara ashadha chandra) has several articles written about his persol glasses. cary grant’s (uttara ashadha surya and chandra) estate collaborated with the brand “olivers people” to create a line of successful eyewear. the sunglasses grant wore in the 1959 hollywood classic north by northwest is characterized as a sunglasses design that is the epitome of classic style. dave bautista (uttara ashadha surya and chandra) once said he often wears sunglasses because it helps him to cope with his social anxiety disorder. bautista once said, “i would rather wear sunglasses than stand on the red carpet.”. actors like zooey deschanel (uttara ashadha surya, chandra and lagna) and jane levy (uttara ashadha chandra) are known for playing roles that involve their characters wearing glasses. many articles have been written about zooey deschanel’s glasses on the television show “new girl” and jane levy’s glasses on the sitcom “suburgatory”. glasses act as a sharpening tool that allows to better see our environment, our truth. glasses reflect our surroundings onto the eyes of those who look through the pair of sunglasses on another person. they serve as objects cycling the truth of the wearer and beholder, in a way, it rejects the falsity of illusion and completely embraces realignment with truth, while serving as a protective medium between the native and others. believing that we have the lenses of reality within each of us. what you see is what you get or what you see is what you are, as far as eternity is concerned, abiding in satya. it is believed that our beliefs are the lenses through which one sees the world. what one believes determines your focus (kratu) and in turn your actions. one sees things as they believe they are, not as things really are, but rather as one is. if one’s beliefs are based on truth, your figurative glasses will allow you to see eternity from the rta/satya perspective. however, if your belief lenses are made from anrita and asatya, you will see illusions and falsehood reflective of the state of your soul.

☀️ there is a particular effect called photo-bleaching. photo-bleaching happens to the cells in your retina in the back of your eye. these cells are called rods and cones, and these cells are full of light sensitive pigments. light comes in the form of particles, called photons, in your eye; these stimulate the cells by changing this light sensitive pigment, which is called retinal, into a different form and they stimulate the cells to send electrical impulses to your brain. if you look at the sun for a long period of time, this sends the cells into overdrive and it takes them time to calm down. after you finish looking at the sun and you look at a normal level of light, like a plant, you get black spots where you've been looking at light where the cells have been over stimulated. this is the essence of solar beauty. it leaves a lasting impact on the eyes of others and it is hard to forget their presence. their warmth lingers, stays, and satiates others like the deity kama.

🐘 kate moss: uttara ashadha surya

🐾 uttara ashadha’s yoni is the male mongoose. the male mongoose are sometimes solitary, but most live in colonies. the average colony is made up of roughly twenty mongooses. those who live in these colonies will take turns being sentinels. sentinels stand on their hind legs on higher ground, looking all around them for danger. if they spot a potential threat, they will let out a loud scream that acts as an alarm call that lets the rest of the colony members know they should retreat to safety. when operating in their light state, uttara ashadhas act as the male mongoose by being the sentinel of their surroundings. they act as a guide to those around them and try to ensure the safety of others. they stand tall like the symbolic mongoose, mirroring the phallic force, and usher those into the light of achievement. this is why we see so many uttara ashadha natives appear in musical groups, as they are the glue that binds their surroundings together. but this intense binding begins to darken, it is often people will become obsessed with their great achievements and warmth and try to bring the native down with jealousy and harm. zayn malik (uttara ashadha) was known to be a part of a popular musical group, “one direction” and reportedly left the group in 2015, due to him feeling left out by the group and not liking the music they created. jennie (uttara ashadha surya) from “blackpink” was the main rapper of the group and was the first one to debut a solo single. nicki minaj (uttara ashadha lagna) was once apart of the popular rap group “young money”, but decided to further pursue her career as a solo artist. baby spice (uttara ashadha surya) was in the famous 90s girl group “spice girls”. a common theme amongst these natives is maintaining peace and upholding an image. uttara ashadhas are determined to succeed at any cost and many individuals subconsciously sense this and abuse their power. they view uttara ashadha as a never-ending vessel of determination and willpower and abuse this by treating these natives poorly, as they know the native will do anything to maintain peace for prosperity.

🐢 this foundation of determination and willpower is correlated to the auspicious elephant. the elephant itself is quite common in most religious traditions and mythologies. elephants are widely considered to be a positive omen and are sometimes revered as deities, symbolizing strength and wisdom. there is an ancient hindu belief of “world elephants”. the amarakosha states the names of eight male elephants who bare the world (in addition to eight unnamed female elephants). the names of the male elephants are airavata, pundarika, vamana, kumunda, anjana, pushpa-danta, sarva-bhauma, and supratika. there are four elephants that are believed to support the earth from the four different directions. in the ramayana, they are listed as the viroopaaksha (supporting the east), mahaapadma (supporting the south), saumanasa (supporting the west), and bhadra (supporting the north). while the knowledge on this subject is very limited, chukwa, the tortoise, is said to support the elephant mahaapadma which in turn supports the world. chukwa’s tortoise translation is not set in stone and can also be interpreted as a water snake (rahu), denoting the foundation of earthly desires is rahu. chukwa (rahu, earthly foundation/desires) cannot exist without mahaapadma (ketu, spiritual liberation), as a head may not exist without a body. it was once said: “on the wondrous dais rose a throne, and he its pedestal whose lotus hood with ominous beauty crowns his horrible sleek folds, great mahapudma; high displayed he bears the throne of death. there sat supreme with those compassionate and lethal eyes, who many names, who many natures holds; yama, the strong pure hades sad and subtle, dharma, who keeps the laws of old untouched.”.

🐘 wisdom is said to be represented by the elephant in the form of lord ganesha, one of the most popular gods in hindu mythology. lord ganesha is said to have the head of an elephant which was put on after the human head was either cut off or burned. lord ganesha is associated with new beginnings, success, and the removing of obstacles (as the act of removing one’s head is symbolic of removing rahu, essentially one’s desires). lord ganesha is said to be the deity of ketu, due to ketu being the moksha karaka and our source of liberation. ketu is said to bestow immense knowledge, spirituality, and luxury, when properly placed. if a native has an inauspiciously placed ketu in their natal chart, it is said praying to lord ganesha may aid the native. the smoky and prosperous nature of ganesha is exhibited in many rituals involving the symbolism of the elephant, in particular, the cameroonian practice of the bamiléké tribesmen. the bamiléké are often known for their intricately beaded masquerades, including the impressive elephant mask.

🎭 masquerades are considered to be a very integral part of the bamiléké culture. these masquerades take place during special events such as funerals, palace festivals, and other royal ceremonies. the masks are performed by men and aim to support and enforce royal authority (assuming the natural masculine leadership and dictation of surya). the power of the bamiléké king, the fon, is primarily represented by the elephant. the fon may transform into either an elephant or leopard whenever he chooses. their elephant mask, called a “mbap mtengis” a mask, has protruding circular ears, a human like face, decorative panels on the front and back that hang down to the knees and are covered in deeply intricate, geometric beadwork including much triangular imagery (symbolic of the solar force that is the triangular-like formation of an elephant’s large ears and protruding trunk, mirroring the phallic pyramid). occasionally, the fon may allow members of the community to perform with an elephant mask along with a leopard skin, conveying wealth, status and power by shielding one’s face. this act of covering one’s face is symbolic of sacrificing one’s identity (rahu) for the purpose of attaining moksha karaka (ketu). by the bamiléké fons covering their face with an elephant mask, they bring an association and representation of power, strength and prosperity (lord ganesha).

🌟 this sacrifice of self association and identity and the smoky nature of the bamiléké tribe represents the nature of uttara ashadha. it is often wondered why uttara ashadhas have such a dark and vampiric aesthetic, as this is the nature of sacrificing one’s identity. the spiritually devoting nature of these natives causes a detachment from their identity to embrace their higher power. beyoncé (an uttara ashadha ketu native) was once famous for her shiny, flashy, and glamorous y2k aesthetic. in the recent years, we have seen beyoncé move towards a less flashy, but equally captivating and prosperous, lifestyle. in a way, she sacrificed her y2k/flashy identity and received more prosperity and healing in return. in her latest visual album “black is king”, we saw her collaborate with numerous placements of uttara ashadha, such as wizkid (uttara ashadha shani atmakaraka) and jessie reyez (uttara ashadha rahu), to illustrate the importance of coming back to your familial routes and finding identity within your ancestors (it is important to note, out of my survey of fifty contributors and artists on the album, uttara ashadha was by far the most prominent atmakaraka placement). in this visual album, we see numerous african masks that call to mind the smoky, spiritual nature of ketu and the self-sacrificing and giving qualities of surya in his highest state (uttara ashadha).

🐘 christie brinkley: uttara ashadha chandra

🥘 the mahavidya associated with surya is matangi. she is the tantric goddess known for her wisdom, knowledge, and bestowing power. according to the shaktisamgama-tantra, the birth of ucchishta-matangini is as follows: the god vishnu and his wife lakshmi visited shiva and his second wife parvati and gave them a banquet of fine foods. while eating the banquet, the deities dropped some food on the ground, from which created a beautiful maiden who asked for their leftovers. vishnu, lakshmi, shiva, and parvati granted the maiden their left over food as prasad (meaning food made sacred by having been first consumed by a deity). this act can be interpreted as the ucchishta of the deity, it is important to note that due to the negative connotation the word ucchishta, it is never explicitly used in connection to prasad. shiva then stated that those who repeat mantangi’s mantra and worship her will have their material desires satisfied and gain control over foes, declaring her the giver of boons. from that day on, the maiden was referred to as ucchishta-matangini. because of matangi’s humble origin, she is often described as an outcast and impure. she is often associated with pollution, due to her relation to outcast communities. the humble mantangi is regarded as a tantric form of the goddess saraswati, the goddess of knowledge and the arts of mainstream hinduism. matangi and saraswati share many traits in that regard. both goddesses embody music and are depicted playing the veena. both are said to be the nada (sound or energy) that flows through the nadi channels in the body through which prana flows. these goddesses are related to rain clouds, thunder, and rivers. by both governing learning and speech, saraswati embodies the orthodox knowledge of the brahmins, whereas matangi, the humble, wild, and ecstatic outcast, embodies the knowledge within that transcends the boundaries of mainstream society (hence, her associations with social pariahs).

🏆 whereas, uttara ashadha (उत्तराषाढ़ा) comes from the sanskrit words उत्तर (latter) and अषाढ (invincible). the meanings of uttara ashadha are said to be “the latter invincible one”, “latter victory”, or “the latter undefeated”. the term “latter” is derived from the latin word lætra, meaning slow or deliberate, this juxtaposition with invincibility, denotes resilience, power, and prosperity. the journey of uttara ashadhas are said to bevslow and lengthy (lætra), but in then end, they reach true success by embodying the humility and skillfulness of matangi. this correlates to uttara ashadha being the top placements for athletes, as the practice of exercising and bodily discipline requires a deep understanding of prana, the source of life (matangi). athletes must be able to control their breathing and abide in a clean environment to maintain proper focus and health. this is why prana is said to permeate reality on all levels, aligning our inner selves with the cosmic truth (surya/rta). indian philosophy describes prana as flowing in the nadis throughout the body. the number of nadis varies according to different texts and philosophies, but the three principal nadis run from the base of the spine to the head (areas traditionally associated with surya and the vimshottari-ruled surya nakshatras). they are the ida on the left, the sushumna in the center, and the pingala on the right. the nadis are said to play a role in many yogic practices, like shatkarmas, mudras, and pranayama. these practices are intended to open and unblock the nadis to allow life force to be abundant within all of us. the ultimate aim of some yogic practices are to direct prana into the sushumna nadi, enabling the kundalini to rise, and thus bring about moksha karaka, our liberation. in both the subtle and the causal body, the nadis are channels for our cosmic, vital, seminal, mental, and intellectual energies (our prana). this is why they are considered to be important for sensations, consciousness and the spiritual aura.

🥇 ida is traditionally associated with lunar energy. the word ida means "comfort" in sanskrit. ida possesses a moonlike nature and a distinct feminine energy with a cooling/yin effect. whereas, pingala is associated with solar energy. the word pingala means "orange" or "tawny" in sanskrit. pingala possesses a sunlike nature and masculine energy. pingala is warm/yang and courses throughout the right side of the body, whereas ida courses through the left side of the body. these nadis are often representative of the two hemispheres of the brain. pingala is the extroverted, solar nadi, and corresponds to left hemisphere of the brain. ida is the introverted, lunar nadi, and refers to the right hemisphere of the brain. this is due to the left hemisphere controlling the muscles on the right side of the body and the right hemisphere controlling those on the left, symbolic of the dualism of nature and our bodies. the ida nadi regulates all the mental, lunar processes while the pingala nadi regulates all the vital, solar processes. examples of uttara ashadha athlete natives who learned to balance the inner matangi and nadis within is the famous professional boxer muhammad ali (uttara ashadha surya) who was nicknamed “the greatest”. the olympic athlete marion jones (uttara ashadha chandra) who is a world champion track and field athlete and previous member of the WNBA. we also see a great abundance of athletes specifically having an uttara ashadha surya, such as matthias ginter, malek jaziri, claudio marchisio, tyler breeze, davie selke, pierre webó, and ehsan haddadi. as surya feels at home and comfortable in expressing it’s dualistic nature in this nakshatra. athletes and uttara ashadha natives are said to operate in the pingala mental state, but understand the importance of matangi and the balance of prana. as prana is considered to unite all elements and directions (recall the directional nature of the world elephants) within the body by aligning the ether element within, as how brihaspati and shani are both of the ether/air element and are crucial in reaching balance in our souls.

🐘 sasha pivovarova: uttara ashadha surya and chandra

🔥 uttara ashadha lies in the padas of sagittarius and capricorn. like all the surya-ruled nakshatras, vimshottari-wise, it bridges the nature of the fire element and the earth element. this denotes the karmic association of peak masculinity (fire) and the grounding femininity (earth). the elemental nature of earth represents the body. it is the densest element and creates the most heaviest psychological influence. it represents the practicalness and sensuality of nature, as a mongoose simply intuitively knows when to alert his group of danger or a goat knows which step to climb on a mountain. fire is the focus that lies within us and it corresponds to the digestion of life. fire is said to digest sensory impressions (water) and turn them into purposeful thoughts and ideas. as surya is said to calm the waters of the mind (chandra).

🌬 whereas, the air element correlates to intelligence and the movement within, essentially our prana. this deep level of intellect is why the elemental air/shani/brihaspati signs are seen in politics, as they know how to relate to others and appeal to society. these natives are highly social, conscientious, and understand the principles they abide by, hence their prevalence in politics. the element of ether is not to be confused with the principality of air. like air, ether is associated with conscientious but it is also the state of pure consciousness itself. ether transcends the physical elements (this is why rahu is said to be capable of air, as when rahu in his dark, illusionary state, he cannot transcend). ether is the witnessing of consciousness. it is the ability to perceive the process of intellect (air) and remain unidentified with it. it is our freedom and the closest to our state of satya. it serves as the freedom from the mind and body. it is detachment from our physical state of determination (fire), intellect (air), thoughts (water), and the sensuality of earth to go beyond our physical karma. as the ether knows detachment is the embodiment of true spiritual knowledge. this is why shani is said to both rule the ether element and be the higher state of rahu, as shani understands the power of going without for the purpose of the greater good.

🌳 both sagittarius and capricorn embody the final installment of the earth and fire rashis. sagittarius is the natural ninth house of higher education, wisdom, and spirituality. capricorn is the natural tenth house of power, ambition, and work. these houses are bridged under the leadership and guiding qualities of surya to create a distinct amount of material and mental wealth. this is why we see uttara ashadha natives feel called to work in areas such as politics, law, and economics, due to their spiritual and societal knowledge. the fall of uttara ashadha lies within the elemental composition of this nakshatra. too much fire leads to exaggerated levels of aggression. too much air causes sterility, dryness, and an ungrounded sense of life. too much earth brings stagnation and clinging. for example, george washington (uttara ashadha chandra) was known for his sex scandals, killings, and perpetuation of slavery. pope saint john xxiii (uttara ashadha chandra) was known for bending the rules in order to be ordained as the pope. jeb bush (uttara ashadha chandra) was known to be associated with high class drug dealers and lawsuits. abraham lincoln (uttara ashadha chandra) was known for his disagreement of slavery, despite being quite racist himself. these men operated in the stagnation, sterility, and energetic dullness that lied within their souls. they embraced the corrosive flames of fire and figuratively burned down what they did not respect. corazon aquino (uttara ashadha chandra) was regarded with high respect for combining traditional femininity with politics and her advocation for human rights and restoration of political power to civilians. aquino* (please see my note below) is an example of uttara ashadhas using their fiery determination to bring equality and justice to people, no matter the cost. they relate to the earthly parallels of society and know in order to gain equality, sacrifices of the self must be made. thus, they are the embodiment of yang.

💥 no matter the morals and principles of uttara ashadhas, we see uttara ashadha men being idolized and followed by the collective. the media is entranced by their yang embodiment and their negative behaviors are frequently ignored for the purpose of remaining idolized. consider uttara ashadha natives like russell crowe, bruce willis, george clooney, and matt damon. they have arose to great fame due to films like “die hard” or “ocean’s eleven”, because men idolize their pingala, tough, solitary, and strong exteriors and often try to imitate their actions. men subconsciously acknowledge the cosmic interplay of the masculine shani (capricorn), brihaspati (sagittarius), and surya, as they idolize the solitary state of the uttara ashadha mongoose: the one who has no yoni consort.

🪴 it is important to understand that capricorn itself is not a masculine sign. it is indeed the most feminine sign of the zodiac, due to it embodying the earthly nature of clinging to the tree as leaves do or grounding to the earth as clay. the over-ruler of capricorn, the planet shani, is often considered to be gender-neutral as the ether element itself transcends gender. shani simply molds the earthly, feminine clays of capricorn into greatness and abundance. examine the abundance of uttara ashadha, shravana, and dhanishta (whom all lie in the capricorn rashi). all of these nakshatras are famed for their looks, auras, and wealth.

* the lovely @/sakkurareadnt on twitter has brought to my attention that while aquino was the first president of the philippines to be a woman, she was not the one to solely change the power civilians have. it was the people of the philippines themselves who organized the revolution. aquino did believe in human rights and did well during her presidency, but the restoration of power to the people was primarily due to the movement of the citizens of philippines. i sincerely apologize for any confusion this may have caused 💗

🐘 fka twigs: uttara ashadha surya

☀️ due to surya being the fiery path within, the element fire is said to connects us to the sense of sight. ayurveda states anything we can see is touched by fire, as we abide in the state of solar satya. the element fire is called “tejas” in sanskrit and it is the third of the pancha mahabhutus (the five great elements). it is the third element because it evolves from the states of ether and air, containing the essence of these elements within it. ether energizes fire with the ability to find space to exist within. air bestows fire with the capacity of prana to burn. it is due to the element air, that fire will never be able to still within us. fire is said to represent the capacity for heat and light. it is the generator of energy in the body, modeling the behavior of how surya is the generator of energy for the entire solar system. it is said that fire is the process of liberating energy from its source.

⭐️ the tanmatra of vision, rupa, is the origin of the purifying fires. rupa means to form or color. the forms and colors of life are a direct result from our perception. rupa serves as the tanmatra, our unmanifested form of perception, light, and vision. fire binds with the sense of vision, as fire provides light for perception. the eyes serve as the channel through which light is digested and perception takes place. think of it this way, you cannot see what is ahead of you, if you simply have no light to illuminate your path. with uttara ashadha women specifically, we tend to see this struggle with male attention. women are naturally quite yin, but the peak pingala energy of uttara ashadha alters the manifestation of these natives. people are confused by these natives’ balanced and equalizing energy and flock to their perceived light like moths to a flame. in many cases, people are also insecure about the uttara ashadha native’s inner elemental balance and will choose to leave them. this is because uttara ashadha illuminates everything within their environment, including the vampiric energies of others.

✨ in the show “euphoria”, cassie (played by an uttara ashadha chandra native sydney sweeney), we see this internal dichotomy around male attention. cassie is described as a sweet and popular person, but has difficulty with navigating relationships. she grew up with an emotionally unavailable and irresponsible father who grew to only care for money. men are entranced by her energy and solely view her as a means of sexual pleasure. boys treat her as this shiny jewel, until she rejects or accepts their sexual advances, then she is viewed as promiscuous. the problem here is men become obsessed with uttara ashadha women, as they are obsessed with uttara ashadha men in film. they seek these natives’ fire and become disappointed when they come to find these natives have emotions and needs like any other person.

🌥 the movie “gone girl” is about a former writer and his glamorous wife amy (played by uttara ashadha chandra rosamund pike). they try to present a portrait of a blissful marriage to the public. when amy goes missing on the couple's fifth wedding anniversary, the writer becomes the prime suspect in her disappearance. the police pressure and media frenzy causes the couple's image of a happy union to crumble, leading to tantalizing questions about who they really are. throughout their relationship, amy tried to be the perfect girl who was the best wife she could be, but she felt she was never good enough. she changed her entire personality to conform to the wants of her husband. in the movie, she states (WARNING: THIS DOES CONTAIN GRAPHIC LANGUAGE): “men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? she’s a cool girl. being the cool girl means i am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and ***l sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary **** bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because cool girls are above all hot. hot and understanding. cool girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. go ahead, sh*t on me, i don’t mind, i’m the cool girl. men actually think this girl exists. maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. for a long time cool girl offended me. i used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and i’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: you are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. i’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: the b*tch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! and the cool girls are even more pathetic: they’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. oh, and if you’re not a cool girl, i beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the cool girl. it may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so cool girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so cool girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. there are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants cool girl, who is basically the girl who likes every thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (how do you know you’re not cool girl? because he says things like: “i like strong women.” if he says that to you, he will at some point **** someone else. because “i like strong women” is code for “i hate strong women.”)”.

⛅️ men view uttara ashadhas as this immovable and illustrious force of light. they assume they behave as uttara ashadha men do in their violent, “fight club”-esc films. this deep desire often leads to many uttara ashadha natives feeling the need to embrace a lifestyle of hyper-masculinity to compensate for their natural and human emotions. people crave these natives to be the hot, light, dry, rough, and sharp nature of fire itself. the people in these natives’ lives expect for themselves to be the inherent air that is within the nature of fire. after all, it is the element air that provides fire with its mobile quality. although the truest state of uttara ashadha is the subtle fire, their effects are the most prominent. when you approach fire, what do you feel first? the heat of the flames. this is why we associate the element fire with the fires we can see. as fire represents light, heat, luster, energy, understanding, and the power of transformation.

🌤 examine uttara ashadha natives like issa rae in “insecure”, jane levy in “zoey’s extraordinary playlist”, zooey deschanel in “new girl”, or the aforementioned women above. these natives will be repeatedly shunned for their emotional nature and sensitivities because we expect surya to be the silent source of satiability. to see this source of sustenance have feelings and needs, shocks the moth who was once attracted to the flame. the moth realizes that not everything is about their deepest carnal desires.

🐘 nina simone: uttara ashadha chandra

💪🏽 these natives are no stranger to standing up for the injustices of their era. while surya natives do struggle with unwanted expectations and internal dichotomies, this does not discredit the common belief that these natives serve as the celestial father who provides the vital force behind creation and its sustenance. surya natives’ strong will and individuality, coupled with their boldness and ambition, creates a wonderful passion for advocating for what they believe in. think of uttara ashadha native nina simone who was both musically talented and an advocate for civil rights. she used her talents and fame to shed light on a greater cause. simone once stated, “i had spent many years pursuing excellence, because that is what classical music is all about... now it was dedicated to freedom, and that was far more important.”. nicki minaj, another uttara ashadha native, is often regarded as the queen of rap and is known for advocacy for women’s rights and power. in an interview minaj said, “when you’re a girl you have to be everything… you have to be sexy, and you have to be this and you have to be that, and you have to be nice. it’s like, i can’t be all those things at once. i’m a human being.”. joan jett (an uttara ashadha native) stated: “i figured out it was a social thing, what women were allowed to do. at a very young age, i decided i was not going to follow women's rules.”.

🍯 this behavior correlates to one of the ten vishvadevas: kratu. kratu is the deity representative of strength. rishi kratu appeared in two different ages. kratu is one of the seven great sages (the saptarishis). these sages are said to have originated from the consciousness of brahma. kratu is sometimes even believed to have been born from his father's left eye. kratu was married to sannathi and it is believed the couple had sixty thousand children, which are referred to as balakhilyas. the balakhilyas were said to be the size of a thumb and lived alongside the bank of rivers. the balakhilyas were once insulted by deity indra, the king of celestial deities. by the power generated by their penance, they were able to please shiva. in turn, shiva gave him a boon that they would be able to produce a bird who could pull out the cosmic nectar from indra.

🪓 the story goes that prajapati daksha was the head of sacrifice. prajapati daksha held a grudge against rudra or (depending on the story) for his daughter sati marrying shiva against his wishes. prajapati daksha did not send even an invitation to shiva for the sacrifice. sati went to the sacrifice alone and was terribly insulted for marrying shiva by her family. sati then k*lled herself by by jumping into the sacrificial fire. upon hearing the news of sati, lord shiva became madden with rage. shiva pulled out a lock of hair from his head and threw it down, invoking the spirit of veerabhadra (or bhairava) shiva ordered veerabhadra to go with his followers and destroy everybody who attended the sacrifice, including prajapati daksha himself.

⚔️ veerabhadra and shiva’s followers then went and beheaded daksha. they began to punish each and every god who attended the holy sacrifice. they knocked out the teeth of pushan, removed the eyes of bhaga, and severed the two testicles of kratu. soon after, the gods went to shiva and begged for his mercy. shiva said that they should all serve under him as animals for a period of time; only then would they will regain their original status. all of the gods agreed to this. shiva then restored the teeth, eyes, and testicles of the different gods. daksha was also revived by placing the head of a goat on his neck (more on this in a later post). after kratu’s testicles were restored, he married sannati, the daughter of daksha. they were all described as small sages no bigger than the joint of the thumb and said to be chaste and pious.

⚱️ later on, rishi kratu was again born in the vaivasvata manvantara (seventh and current manvantara), due to lord shiva’s boon. in this cyclic period of time, kratu had no family. it is reported that kratu was born from the hand of lord bharma, whereas the other rishis are said to have been born from other parts of the body of brahma. because kratu had no family and no children, he adopted agastya’s son: idhvaaha.

⚒ uttara ashadha natives understand that sacrifices have to be made for the betterment of society, as the many gods were sacrificed by participating in the harmful behavior that caused sati to jump into the deadly fire. specifically, these natives understand the sacrifice of career and monetary stability for this cause. these natives learn to reject traditional associations of femininity and masculinity and learn the essence of all life is an equilibrium of both (symbolic of kratu being castrated, thus having the phallic force being altered). uttara ashadhas act as brahma’s hand in which birthed the deity of strength (kratu), by lending a helping hand to those in need and never forgeting the importance of where they come from. famous singers like nicki minaj, joan jett, and nina simone understood this and frequently put their careers on the line to ensure they were treated with the utmost respect. modeling the sacrificial sati, nina simone sacrificed her career in singing to devote her entire life to advocating for civil rights and joan jett devoted her entire career to breaking gender norms and stereotypes. what people fail to understand is the integrity these women have. whatever surya women choose to do, they will stand by their decision and suffer the consequences. they understand in order to command respect, you must garner accountability. the act of activism arguably runs much deeper than jupitarian women. as kratu was once said to have no family and be alone, surya natives feel the need to guide others as they wish they could have been guided at a young age. these natives choose to adopt the burdens of the collective masses (as kratu with idhvaaha). they struggled with jealousy and male dichotomies and fantasies. they endured years of abandonment, loss, and energetic vampires sucking the light from them. only to shine like the bright stars they truly are, reaching their latter victory and choosing to never leave anyone behind or forgotten.

i highly encourage you to watch the clip below because it perfectly illustrates hows surya-ruled women understand the inadequacies and injustices of this world and decide to use their platform to speak on it:

https://youtu.be/PzGZamtlRP0

🐘 sza: uttara ashadha lagna

🎖the latter victory is quintessential, yet individualistic, to uttara ashadhas. throughout all areas of the life, these natives succeed in unimaginable ways. from sports, modeling, singing to activism and acting, they reach the highest possible success. once these natives have mastered the lessons of the planets shani, brihaspati, and surya, they have to learn from one more deity: yama. recall the foundational essence of yama reoccurring throughout this post, the elephant, bhairavi, and yama’s correlation to mahapudma. it is said that in order to examine the polarity of a nakshatra, you must examine the opposing nakshatra as well. the opposite of uttara ashadha is pushya (and punarvasu). both punarvasu and pushya are considered to be highly auspicious nakshatras. punarvasu is able to encapsulate the transition from destruction (ardra) and nourishment (pushya) with blessings of the motherly aditi and the supervision of brihaspati, but what happens when pushya is also into the darker elements of life?

🎯 both punarvasu and pushya are linked to brihaspati, due to punarvasu being ruled by brihaspati (via vimshottari dasha) and pushya being under the deity rulership of brihaspati. as i discussed on twitter recently, pushya is directly linked to funerals and morticians. the fourth house of cancer is said to be eight houses away from the twelfth house. thus, denoting one finding home, roots, or comfort in times of death or misfortune. the deities associated with shani are yama and prajapati. yama represents death, dharma, and the underworld and prajapati represents rebirth and creation (modeling the transformative themes of punarvasu as well). the deity of pushya, brihaspati, is said to be a sage born from the first great light, as punarvasu’s meaning is said to be “prosperous again” or “return of the light”. brihaspati is said to be the one who drives away darkness. pushya natives embody brihaspati by bringing great healing and comfort to those in terrible times. or they may embody yama and become hyperfixated with the themes of death. recall how angelina jolie (pushya lagna) stated she wanted to be a mortician when she grew up. a famous funeral director, marshall white, is likely a pushya chandra. a convicted m*rderer & mortician, bernie tiede, is a pushya surya.

🪦 uttara ashadhas marry and reflect the saturnian and jupitarian in a differing, but similar, way. throughout this post, dharma has been mentioned frequently. it is difficult to exactly provide a single definition for dharma, as the word has a long history and it’s interpretations vary throughout hinduism, buddhism, sikhism, and jainism. there is actually no equivalent synonym for dharma in english. the root of the word dharma is "dhri", meaning “to support, hold, or bear". dhri is what regulates the course of change by consistently abstaining from change. however, most can agree dharma means the “right way of living" and "path of rightness". this also depends on the context and the meaning of dharma, as it has evolved as ideas of hinduism have evolved through history. in the earliest texts and ancient myths of hinduism, dharma meant cosmic law, the rules that created the universe from chaos and rituals. after time, the meaning became more complex, it is said to designate human behaviors considered necessary for the order of things in the universe; principles that prevent chaos; and behaviors and actions necessary to all life in nature, society, and family.

🔪 whereas, yama is considered to have been the first mortal who died and saw the way to the celestial abodes. due to this, he became the lord of the departed. yama's name can also mean "twin", and in some myths he is paired with a twin sister names yamī. yama is assisted by chitragupta who is assigned with the task of keeping complete records of the actions of human beings on earth. upon the death of humans, yama decides if they shall reincarnate as a superior or inferior organism, depending on their actions on earth (karma). this is why yama is considered to be the lord of justice and is sometimes referred to as dharma, referring to yama’s unwavering dedication to maintaining order and his adherence to harmony.

🏹 like punarvasu and pushya, uttara ashadhas wish to guide others through their path of dharma, as the bow of brihaspati navigates through the winds, but they also struggle with neglecting themselves. they are so giving with their fruitful bounty, they often forget to spend time within. their inclination for guiding, giving, and dying unto oneself often becomes a fixation that eventually leads to burn out and tiredness. this is why uttara ashadha natives must study the nature of yama and learn when to set healthy boundaries. i will not be including the hymn of yama and yamī (the children of the sun god: surya) as to not trigger others with it’s inc*stuous nature, but it is an example of how those with saturnian/jupitarian influences must learn to set boundaries, even with those they love. sza’s (uttara ashadha lagna) “ctrl” album is a perfect example of the potential for vulnerability, imperfectness, and the deep capability of love these natives exhibit. i highly recommend listening to her songs “love galore”, “normal girl”, and “garden”, as they directly reflect the topics i have discussed in this post. learning to set boundaries will be difficult, as many of the times this creates a need to have difficult conversations with those we love. but when we align ourselves under the eyes of surya, we learn it is the key to flourishing into the tree of life.

🐘 sade adu: uttara ashadha surya

🌲 the movie “the tree of life”, stars multiple surya natives (including uttara ashadha chandra brad pitt). the movie tells an impressionistic story of a texan family in the 1950s. the film follows the life journey of the eldest son, jack (played by leo chandra sean penn and an uttara phalguni native and uttara ashadha atmakaraka hunter mccracken), through the innocence of childhood to his disillusioned adult years as he tries to reconcile a complicated relationship with his father (brad pitt). jack finds himself to be a lost soul in the modern world, seeking answers to the origins and meaning of life while questioning the true existence of faith.

🪵 the tree of life emblem is a popular, universal symbol that represents differing meanings across all cultures and religions. the symbol does not originate from one specific culture as it has been used all over the world for centuries. the tree of life is said to commonly represent the interconnectedness and intertwining of everything within the universe. it is symbolic of togetherness and serves as a reminder that you are never alone or isolated, but rather that you are connected to all beings in existence. the roots of the tree of life are deeply grounded and spread into the core of earth. by accepting the nourishment from mother earth, the tree’s branches reach up into the sky, accepting energy from the lights of both the surya and chandra. this correlates to the goddess matangi (who is the tantric form of saraswati). saraswati is the mother goddess of knowledge, wisdom, and the arts. one cannot grow solid roots without the foundational knowledge of life and nourishment (saraswati). with a solid foundation in place, the tree of life symbolizes the connection to one’s family and ancestors (ketu). the tree has an intricate network of branches that represent how our lineage grows and expands over time. trees will always find a way to keep growing, through seeds or new saplings, and is lush with greenery, which signifies its ancient fertility.

🌧 all trees are unique and special. by their branches sprouting at different points and in different directions, they symbolize a person's personal growth into a unique human being as different experiences shape them into who they are destined to be. as time passes, both trees and ourselves gain more unique characteristics, as branches may break off, new ones grow, and as the weather takes its toll. during these alterations and changes, the tree remains steadfast and sturdy. as shani brings about trials and tribulations, people grow and change throughout their lifetime and their unique experiences mold and enhance their individuality. the tree of life loses it’s leaves and appears to be dead during winter, but after this trialing period of winter, new buds appear and fresh leaves unfurl to reveal their emerald-like beauty (matangi). this cyclical nature represents the beginning of a new life and a dawn of anew. in a way, the tree (our souls) is immortal. even though the tree may grow old or slightly wither, it still produces seeds that carry its essence through the figurative winds of prana. as the tree within us may never die, it shall only transform and be reborn.

🌊 at the end of the movie, “the tree of life”, the now adult jack wanders through a wasteland, as yama once died and symbolizes the purgatory state of the wasteland. jack goes through a doorway and finds himself on a beach. there he shares the screen with his father and mother who concedes her son to the higher power. jack realigned himself with his solar power and gleamed in the light of his mother and father, like the tree of life gleams in both the sunlight and moonlight. jack received the blessing of his mother, symbolic of the goddess saraswati, who offered him into the unknown light of yama. the truth is, most of us do not know what truly happens after we step into the final light, thus ending our earthly presence and accepting the unknown of the future. recall from earlier, fire is said to digest sensory impressions (water) and turn them into purposeful thoughts and ideas. as surya is said to calm the waters of the mind (chandra). jack’s alignment from the beach to heavenly light symbolizes he has finally digested and successfully pondered on his actions throughout his existence. he has calmed both the waters and fires within and is granted the true passage to afterlife.

🐘 nicki minaj: uttara ashadha lagna

⛰ it is now the native has returned to the peak pyramids of life. they have reached the zenith of their soul and look down from the symbolic pyramid to see the differing trees of life. they examine the highs and lows, sadness and happiness, and the polarities between chandra and surya. prana enshrouds the pyramid and blows the luscious, warm leaves of the trees around in the autumnal season. it is only the uttara ashadha native that will be left to see how far along they have come. in the beginning, uttara ashadhas were the lonely mongoose who simultaneously felt they belonged to everyone and no one. they tried to embody the personal surya to others and learned the error in their ways. these natives were there to lend a helping hand to others, no matter what that sacrifice entails. they have worn the masks of ketu, travelled as the head elephant leads his group, and now stand before the cosmic fire. the mongoose is no longer sad in his sedentary ways, he is fearless, in the sense his open to all feelings from deep love to intense sorrows. may you uttara ashadhas abide in your satya and may the strength of the vishvadevas guide you further into the unknown.

🐘 aaliyah: uttara ashadha surya

💋 as always, i am open to any constructive criticism! i tried to touch on the deities’ involvement in the appearances, manifestations, and symbolism of uttara ashadha. like the endangered elephant and the elusive mongoose, uttara ashadhas are a rare kind. they embody the true abundance of yang that is secure in their solar nature and path. people will latch on to their brihaspati, shani, and surya qualities, as they understand that these energies guide their environment to follow the behavior of the native (as a male elephant leads his family unit to safety and prosperity). uttara ashadhas are so kind, warm, and giving and you guys truly do not get the love you deserve. boundaries will be very important to these natives, as they are so giving (solar) with their knowledge and wealth (brihaspati), they must learn to set healthy boundaries (shani) to avoid burn out. if you are looking for more information about uttara ashadha, get to know the overrulers and supreme deities of surya, agni (fire god) and shiva (supreme god); brihaspati, indra (king of the gods) and brahma (law giver); and shani, yama (the god of death) and prajapati (the creator). also—and i cannot stress this enough—familiarize yourself with the deities of this nakshatra: the vishvadevas. if any of my placements or information are incorrect please feel free to let me know! also, i am fully aware of the origins of vedic astrology and if i was in anyway disrespectful to hindu culture, i will take down this post immediately. i am incredibly honored to know such lovely vedic astrology enthusiasts. you all mean so much to me xx

**all of these placements were found using astrotheme/.com and/or astro-charts/.com. it is important to note that some chandra (moon) placements may be off by up to 6 degrees and lagnas (risings) as well, due to the fact that many websites do not have 100% accurate birth times for the given celebrities.

**i take absolutely no credit for the invention of vedic astrology-based appearance profiles. please watch claire nakti on youtube or look into @/cn0bles, @/lovejustlied, @/dh4nishta, and @/vanillemercure on twitter for more in-depth analysis on vedic astrology xx

“i’ll tell you what freedom is to me, no fear.” - nina simone (uttara ashadha chandra)

xoxo, angel <3

#vedicastrology #astrology #nakshatras #capricorn #sagittarius #sagittarius aesthetic #capricorn aesthetic #capricorn moon #sagittarius moon #uttara ashadha nakshatra #the sun #lord shani #brihaspati #saturn #jupiter

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dreamystuffers · 4 years

Text

drive it forward - lyy

summary: of course the job would never be easy but what kind of idiot dribbles a basketball in the room above yours and then gets pissed about a complaint?

genre: fluff, comedy, nba bubble au, e2l, reporter!reader x basketball player!yangyang

word count: 8.5k words

warnings: profanity, suggestive lines, covid-19 (no one gets it in this fic but like it’s important), not historically accurate? (i tried to follow the actual bubble timeline but i do not have it in me to ensure it’s correct :3), kissing, very rushed character development

note: i had to reupload this cause tumblr deleted it T^T also i have very minimal basketball knowledge. I am also bad at it. If you need to learn how to shoot a basketball, don’t use this fic I just looked on wikihow. also a big thank you to my irl best friend for helping me work out the plot (she’ll never see this but ily) and also @ceruleanskies for helping me with the free-throw scene and @ezralia-writes for beta reading! also for context, the nba season for the end of 2020 was moved to disney world where a bunch of nba players were just vibing playing basketball i guess

part of @leesmrk‘s sports collaboration

From the moment you published your first article, you knew that reporting was your calling. After a year of being the head editor of your high school’s newspaper and getting accepted to all your top college choices, it was inevitable that you would land a position as a reporter at one of the most reputable magazines in your area after you graduated. However, you never would have anticipated the lack of recognition you received.

This is precisely why you’re extremely shocked when the head editor—your boss, Kim Doyoung—calls you at 10:30 pm on a Thursday night, telling you to pack enough clothes to last you several months in Florida.

“What do you mean I’m being sent to the NBA bubble?” You question slowly, trying to process whether or not you misheard him.

“It means we don’t have many young, single reporters that are willing to jet off to another state at a moment’s notice, so we’re sending you.” Doyoung deadpans in return, the clicking of his keyboard keys very much audible from his end of the line. “We’ll cover all the accommodations and other necessities so long as you agree.”

While this is an amazing opportunity for you, you can’t help but internally scream at how harshly said opportunity was delivered. However, as a struggling reporter and an idiot dying for an opportunity, you push away your pride and plaster a smile onto your face.

“Amazing. When’s my flight?”

It takes approximately 24 hours, one poorly socially distanced flight, three absurdly large luggages, and two q-tips shoved uncomfortably high into your nose for you to finally settle into your hotel room in the NBA bubble situated at Disney World, Florida. As taxing as it may have been physically, you were more than glad to discover that your bed was extremely comfortable with an abundance of pillows. After all, the resort you were staying in was also hosting some of the best players in the NBA.

You make a quick job of washing up and unpacking the bare necessities you brought along with you before pulling open your laptop to prepare some research and interview questions for tomorrow. While Doyoung had been unclear as to what specifically you were expected to do within the bubble, you figured it wouldn't hurt to get a head start. It wasn't like you had an awful lot of research to do anyway. While you may not be a die-hard basketball fan, you were definitely somewhere close, actively keeping up with a few players on some teams that managed to catch your eye. Reading off some of your colleagues’ articles, you're quickly able to gather some information on more notable players here in the bubble.

It's only after an hour of hard work that a thumping noise suddenly resonates through the ceiling of your hotel room.

"What the-"

The thumping noise continues but now at a steadier pace. Sighing deeply, you reach into your bag to pull out a pair of headphones and set your Spotify playlist to shuffle. Somehow, you're still able to hear the dribbling noise through your headphones, although now more subdued, but still irritating.

You do your best to continue from where you left off for a couple of minutes before the dribbling suddenly gets faster, the noise incessantly drilling into your ears.

"Oh my fucking god, what kind of idiot decides it's a good idea to dribble in a hotel room at midnight." You pull your headphones off and place them onto your desk before reaching over to your nightstand for the telephone.

Quickly inputting the number for the front desk, you put the cream coloured phone to your ear and listen to the ringback tone.

"Hello!" The receptionist's voice seems much too chirpy for anyone awake and working at midnight. "What can I do for you today?"

"Yeah hi. I'm staying in suite 437 and there's someone dribbling in the room above mine. Would it be possible for the hotel to send someone to tell them to stop?"

"Yes of course! Our apologies for the inconvenience."

The call ends shortly after and you flop into the bed, the sound of the ball still pounding away from the ceiling. It takes a couple minutes for the thumping to finally stop. You move to turn off the lights and your laptop, feeling the fatigue from the long day you had starts to hit you.

A yawn escapes you as you crawl under the covers of your bed, sighing as your head hits the pillow. The shrill sound of the ringing phone pierces through your sleep clouded mind. Of course, it has to ring just as you're about to fall asleep. The universe truly works in funny ways.

"Hello?" Your words come out more slurred than you intended but you could care less at this hour.

"Yes, hello. My name is Qian Kun, head coach of the Portland Trail Blazers. I believe you're the reporter from NeoMag staying in room 437? I'd like to apologize for the noise you were receiving earlier. We'll be sending Liu Yangyang to apologize to you in the morning."

Liu Yangyang? Your eyes widen as you bolt upright in your bed.

"Oh yes, sure. Thank you. I'll see you on the court tomorrow."

You end the call much too abruptly for it to be deemed polite and maybe you'd care a bit more if you hadn't just reported Liu Yangyang.

Third pick in the 2019 draft and currently one of the top contenders for rookie of the year, one of the starting small forwards (which was a feat in itself considering how rare it was for rookies to get any sort of starting positions), and most importantly, one of your favourite players in the NBA at the moment. Liu Yangyang was one of the players to look out for in any game. However, there was one thing that confused you about him. It's not that you found him cute when you first saw him in the draft pick—although you did—it's that with his record of donating to charities and volunteering at organizations, why on earth would he be dribbling in a hotel room? Wouldn’t he be a bit more considerate than this?

You simply don't have the energy to entertain your thoughts any more tonight as you yawn deeply and drop back into your previous position under the covers.

Perhaps you'd find out tomorrow.

It's around noon when you get a text from the medical team that your violent q-tip endeavours have provided you with negative COVID-19 tests, allowing you to freely roam the expanse of the NBA bubble. After washing up and transferring your night's worth of research onto your phone, you grab a mask alongside your normal things. While it wasn't necessary for anyone to wear a mask in the bubble—especially given that everyone was being tested regularly—you weren’t quite sure what the typical norms were in the bubble. It’s a learning experience.

The ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex was not at all attached to the hotel you're staying in, but the walk from the hotel to the complex isn't very far. It's almost eerie as you walk through Disney world; the once massively massively overcrowded walkways and long lines now replaced with silence and a few stragglers all here for the NBA. You'd visited Disney World last year with your friends for a birthday party and the hour-long waits had been excruciating. Now, only masked strangers greet you as you make your way towards the sports complex.

Walking hastily, you slip through the automatic doors of the main arena in no time, stopping by the temperature checking machine before pushing open the doors to the basketball court. Unsurprisingly, there are already teams running drills and you stand off to the side as you remove the lens cap of your DSLR to take a few photos for your article.

You’re barely paying attention when Yangyang approaches you. Most definitely not out of his own free will if his coach standing within listening distance staring at him says anything about it.

“Hi, I’m Yangyang.” Contrary to interview videos of him, his tone is flat and body language tense.

“I know.”

Your reply comes much too fast and makes a player you recognize to be Hendery snicker to the side.

Yangyang rolls his eyes at your response before shooting you a tense smile.

“Just wanted to say I’m sorry about last night. Won’t happen again.” His eyes aren’t even looking in your direction, instead off to the side at the drills his teammates are running.

Liu Yangyang. You’ve read tons of articles about him and even watched several of his interviews. When you’d seen him play at some of the games earlier this season he was the star of the show.

No amount of research or interviews could’ve prepared you for the half-assed apology you just received.

“Okay cool,” Part of you hopes your tone came off as insincerely as he did. “Just don’t let it happen again.”

Yangyang’s scoff is very much audible as he mutters something that sounds more like an insult than a noise of agreement before he turns on his heel and jogs off to do drills with the rest of his team.

Letting out a deep sigh, you see Hendery throw you a quick shrug and salute before jogging off after his friend.

Even though you knew some people were different on and off camera, it's baffling to see how someone you considered to be a nice person could be such an asshole.

"Sorry about that," Another boy says from behind you.

His breathing is heavy and there's a slight gleam of sweat on his forehead. You shoot him a strained smile before looking down at his jersey.

"I'm Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul but people call me Ten. I play for the Toronto Raptors but I'm sure you've figured that out already." He gestures down to the black jersey you were already staring at and you set your gaze to meet his instead.

"It's fine. There's no point in apologizing for things that weren't your fault anyway. I'm ___." You stick out your hand to shake his and wince slightly at the sweat coating his own.

"I guess, but Yangyang was just extra pissy today since he had to go back into quarantine after he accidentally left the bubble to pick up the chicken nuggets he ubered. Really killed his vibe you know?"

It would be a lie if you said that you didn't feel bad at all, but Yangyang really dug his own grave with that one.

"Just know he isn't always like this. He's actually a pretty nice guy."

At this point, you feel as if you’d need hours of unreleased video evidence to believe Ten's words but for the sake of being civil, you try to take his word for it.

"Well I'd sure hope one of my favourite players isn't actually a total asshole but it be like that."

You swear you can practically hear the gears grinding in Ten's head as he smirks at you. If time travel was a thing and it could make the you from five seconds ago shut up, you probably would.

"That's very interesting. I'll keep that in mind." Slyly, he shoots you a wink before giving you a quick slap on the shoulder. "Nice talk ___. Looking forward to that interview in a couple of days."

"Interview?” You call out from your spot on the sidelines. “What interview?"

The words don't quite reach Ten's ears as he jogs off and away, leaving you extremely confused and even more stressed than when you first stepped onto the court.

The aforementioned interview is only discussed with you hours later via a very brief phone call with a busy Kim Doyoung. He does nothing but inform you that a formal interview has been booked with a few of the more popular rookie players in the bubble scheduled to take place in two days.

“A bit more direction would’ve been nice.” You sigh as you recall him telling you to write ‘something that would appeal to fans’. Very helpful.

You spend the next couple of days researching off on the side of the court, juggling between typing up questions, Twitter queries, and taking photos of the different teams on the court.

You typically avoided going on Twitter unless your job required it. Nothing quite beats going on that stupid bird app and seeing hundreds of thousands of random thirst tweets from fans around the world. You've done your best to take Ten's words into consideration: that people have bad days and that your first encounter with Yangyang wasn't a reflection of his true self. That in no way stops you from complaining about the sheer amount of idiotic comments on social media, especially as you add some last minute questions to your document for your interview in a couple of minutes. Internally, you feel like that TikTok of Daniel Dae Kim’s son watching his dad read thirst tweets. You do your best not to gag as you scroll through your Twitter searches, actively speed scrolling past thirst Tweets and jotting down a few more questions you can find centred around Yangyang’s ability. Honestly, there are so many questions for him that you'd probably have enough for a solo interview with the rookie himself and maybe a more Yangyang focused team interview.

"This fucking sucks." You mumble to yourself as you pick up your camera to set onto the tripod, only to be greeted by an unwanted close up of Ten’s face.

"What fucking sucks?" Chirps Ten making you scream slightly.

You apologize impishly to the other people glaring at you from outside the interview room which makes another player by Ten's side laugh.

"I was going to say Twitter but now I'll say you." The pout on your face does nothing but make Ten laugh as he nudges the boy next to him.

"Ah right, I'm Wong Yukhei but I guess you can call me Lucas." He giggles and shoots you a thumbs-up.

"Fourteenth pick in the 2019 draft and traded to the LA Clippers near the end of the season right? Plus you shot a really funky shot during last year's dunk contest that went viral." You ramble before shooting him a thumbs-up back. "I'm ____."

Ten shoots you a weird look while Yukhei only seems amused, giggling loudly at your description.

“Yup, that’s me!”

"Anyways,” Ten butts in, giving you a cheshire-esque smile. “Are you perhaps miserable because Twitter's full of thirst tweets for a certain Liu Yangyang?"

You purse your lips and exhale sharply as you glare at Ten. Even though you're aware that he’s correct, it takes a lot of self-restraint for you to avoid smacking him.

"It's a bit difficult to do research on what people want to hear when all I can see is people asking Yangyang to step on them." You deadpan making the two boys erupt into another round of laughter as a few of the rookies file in.

Watching the players scramble before finally taking a seat is a strange sight. Although, any sight involving several tall men arguing over who should sit in which seat is a strange sight. Aside from Ten and Yukhei, you’re also interviewing Yangyang, Xiaojun, and Hendery. You go through the awkward introductions and move towards your camera.

"Okay let's get started." You say once all the boys have settled in, setting your camera to record. "You're all rookies with around three years of experience. What're some of the most memorable things you've learned so far?"

"Well-" "I've learned that dribbling a basketball in a hotel room in the bubble will get a snitch on your ass and a massive scolding from coach." Deadpans Yangyang, effectively cutting off Yukhei's sentence and earning him a smack from another player you recognize to be Xiaojun. One thing you were always told in school was to do a better job of controlling your emotions when interviewing assholes.

It was just unfortunate that Yangyang turned out to be one of those assholes.

"Great." You reply after a beat, doing your best to maintain a pleasant expression. Ten shoots you an apologetic look while you direct your attention to Yukhei who seems a bit too cheesed to continue his answer.

It's unfortunate to say that the vast majority of your interview continues in that manner, but it does. While you did get enough decent answers from the other players (and maybe one from Yangyang) to write a decent article, he'd truly taken every possible opportunity to make some sort of backhanded comments towards you. While you did try your best to stay calm and polite, it was extremely difficult given the shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

Ten simply gives you a comforting pat on the back as he practically drags Yangyang out of the interview room, the rest of the boys looking equally as sorry as Ten.

You will yourself to remember their sorry expressions that night as you do your best to draft a neutral paper that portrays the boys in a good light.

Maybe someone would even edit the interview to make it sound better or upload video clips that highlighted their personalities.

Only time would tell.

You're not quite too sure if you want to hug or fight the editor back at the office that woke up and chose violence today. While it wasn't uncommon for your magazine to receive a lot of attention, the amount of crazy Twitter stans blowing up your notifications was.

Occasionally, NeoMag would upload certain clips from the interviews (although typically, the videos were just used for quotes), but you were definitely surprised this morning when you woke up to all the clips of you and Yangyang not-very-subtly snarking at each other from last week being shared all over your Twitter feed.

"Oh my god," You groan as you look through your notifications.

An incoming call from Doyoung interrupts your pity party and you take a moment to recompose yourself before picking up the phone.

"Hi Doyoung!" You will every fibre of your being to sound more enthusiastic than you feel.

"Your interview was a mess, " He deadpans into the phone making you sob internally. "But, people seem to enjoy drama, so we've scheduled another interview for you: one on one with Yangyang."

Whatever false enthusiasm you'd previously mustered dies instantly and you're considering all potential ways to tell your boss you'd rather get fouled by Shaquille O'Neal hundreds of times over than let him exploit whatever stupid rivalry it is that you have with Yangyang.

"Great," You say instead, plastering a smile onto your face. "Looking forward to it."

Yangyang's not quite sure who decided to book a second interview but as he watches Kun stride alarmingly fast towards him, it's glaringly obvious that he's about to get his ass beat.

"Liu Yangyang are you stupid or insane?" Seethes Kun as he smacks the rookie's head.

While Yangyang had seen people get on Kun's bad side, he'd never been on the receiving end of it before. Until now, that is.

He wouldn't recommend the experience.

"Ouch," Yangyang whines as he rubs his head. "Isn't it like illegal for my coach to hit me?"

Kun simply ignores his complaints, opting to continue nagging Yangyang instead.

"You'd better be on your best behaviour during your next interview with ___. I don't know what's gotten into you but if you don't clear up this attitude you've had lately, I'll bench you until the playoffs. Are we clear?"

Honestly, Yangyang doesn't quite know what's gotten into him either but he knows the bench is not where he wants to be. As deep into this as he might be, there's no way he's letting decades worth of work go to waste over some petty feud. Definitely not the way he wanted to go.

Straightening his posture, Yangyang flashes Kun an innocent smile before replying.

"Crystal."

He watches his coach huff and stomp away making him wonder to himself if he's perhaps taken this too far.

Honestly speaking, you've never been the most civil person ever. That's why when you end up back in the interviewing room the following week, it's safe to say that today, you were the one that woke up and chose violence.

Sometimes, you just have to fight fire with fire.

"All good Yangyang?" You ask exasperatedly, waiting for his signal to turn on the recording.

He nods solemnly and you shoot him a tight-lipped smile before clicking the recording button. It's quite obvious that he doesn't want to be here, his tense posture and smile glaring indicators.

"So to start, I have a few questions from some fans on Twitter."

Yangyang makes a noise of acknowledgement and even has the decency to shoot the camera a nice smile.

"Cool. What do you typically carry around in your sports bag that would surprise people?"

He pauses for a moment, having the nerve to even look slightly embarrassed.

"Um, I have this stuffed sheep keychain on my bag's zipper that Ten gave to me in college as a good luck charm."

The only thing that could've possibly surprised you more than Yangyang answering the question civilly would be the answer to his question. Maybe you're another victim of those terrible prank shows. At this rate, you're expecting Hendery to pop out of a box and throw Gatorade all over you.

"You and Ten went to college together?" You ask, surprise evident in your tone as you scan the room for any objects large enough to fit a grown 5'11 man holding a tank of Gatorade in it.

"Yeah," Yangyang flashes you a smile and giggles slightly; something that would've knocked the wind out of you and made your cheeks heat wildly before you entered the bubble. "He's one of my closest friends."

Instead, your face only heats up slightly and you look back down at your questions to avoid his stare.

"Very cool. It's interesting to see how different the two of you are personality-wise and how you two can still be great friends."

Yangyang's smile quickly turns into a frown.

"What's that supposed to mean-"

"So the next question is how do you like to relieve stress?" You look up from your prepared questions to meet Yangyang's angry gaze. "I'd assume it has something to do with basketball since you seem to dribble wherever whenever?"

It's almost comical how Yangyang's eye twitches as he shoots you a strained smile before answering.

"Yeah, I really love dribbling. It helps me relieve stress and improve my game. Maybe you should try it sometime."

The rest of the interview proceeds in a similar manner with you asking questions, taking a dig at Yangyang, and him doing his best to stay civil which doesn't work out that well.

It's not until around a week later when your article's been published in the latest issue of the magazine that Yangyang remembers the visual aspect of magazines and the fact that you were in charge of your own article.

"I can't believe ___ managed to write an article that makes you look like a decent human being and published it with those ugly ass pictures." Ten cackles as he watches Yangyang stare at his photos with mild horror.

While you'd done your best to portray the boys in their best light during the group rookie interview, you'd decided to be slightly less professional with this one, publishing an article that included some of your banter and some of the worst pictures of himself that he'd seen in his life.

It hadn't been difficult for you to find terrible photos of Yangyang. One of the occupational hazards of being an athlete meant that it was extremely difficult to take flattering action shots but it was extremely easy to find unflattering photos of the players. You'd purposely filtered through the basketball shots you'd gotten so far and picked out all the worst pictures of Yangyang for use in this article.

"I just can't believe ____ managed to get them to publish the article with the photos like that, " Giggles Ten as he slaps Yangyang on the back. "They're good quality too, you just look like shit."

The younger can only sigh deeply as he looks at the article with a sense of despair. Maybe now that you'd evened the playing field, things would get better from here on out.

To some extent, it was arguable that life was better in the bubble because you'd regained some sense of normalcy.

Since everyone in the bubble was getting tested regularly—your sore nostrils being a big indicator—everyone is guaranteed to be corona free. This also means that everyone's free to go wild without much social distancing and masks.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to be inviting me to a party?" You twiddle your fingers and watch as Ten rummages through your suitcase for appropriate attire.

"Of course!" He pauses his ransacking for a moment to redivert his attention back to you. "The only benefit of being stuck in this bubble is that we can go crazy stupid but safe crazy stupid."

With that said, he manages to fish out an outfit that he deems party appropriate and launches it at you from across the room. You catch it unceremoniously and Ten makes his way to the door.

"See you at Gran Destino in an hour."

He sends you a wink before stepping out quickly.

The NBA bubble has three different hotels for everyone to stay in; the most luxurious one being Gran Destino Tower. Teams within the top four seeds in each conference are staying in that hotel, hence, why Ten—who's on the Toronto Raptors—is able to host a party of this extent.

It's admittedly terrifying to step into a location where anything you touch is worth around a week of your pay but you don't get much time to stare at the decor before you reach the lounge area.

"Oh hey, you made it!" Says one of the boys.

You recognize him to be Winwin, one of the more experienced Raptors players. Looking down, you notice his ankle is wrapped and you grimace slightly remembering the injury he had sustained from a practice slightly earlier before the season.

There were a lot of players who had decided to come and join the bubble despite their injuries. You supposed it had to do with team spirit but some other players have mentioned that they enjoy the environment here.

You see Ten trailing behind him and you smile at the both of them.

"Yeah, thanks for inviting me." You settle a few feet away from the boys, unsure how socially distanced they'd prefer to be, only to have Ten walk right next to you to wrap an arm around your shoulder.

"Winwin here was wondering whether or not you'd show up after your very interesting article on Yangyang."

You have the decency to be at least slightly embarrassed at his words which only makes them laugh.

"Don't worry," Ten pats you on the back. "After the way he was acting towards you, he kinda deserved it."

"Speak of the devil." Winwin laughs as he waves at Yangyang who just walked in.

The younger boy smiles brightly at his friends and waves as he approaches them.

"Hey guys!"

It's undeniable that his nicely fitted black button-up shirt and jeans are doing something to your head. Especially with the leather jacket he has on. Terrible. You will yourself to stop staring at him and turn to face Ten instead.

"Since you two just got here, and so did the wings I ordered, would you two mind grabbing the Uber Eats from outside." Ten smiles devilishly at Yangyang. "Unless you think you're going to send yourself back into quarantine."

Yangyang glares at Ten making you suppress a laugh.

"I'm down, " You say, pushing your phone into your jacket pocket, pulling out a mask in its place.

Yangyang rolls his eyes, shoving his hand into his jacket pocket to grab a mask as well.

"I'm down too."

"I'll go with them," Winwin says grabbing his jacket. "There's probably a lot of food anyway."

You know for a fact that no matter how much food there is, it could easily be held between you and Yangyang. Winwin's just trying to avoid having the bubble become a crime scene for a potential murder.

The three of you head out the door moments later, Yangyang confidently striding towards the entrance where said Uber delivery person should be.

"So is there like a line marking the boundary or something?" You couldn't quite remember seeing anything like that on your way into the bubble.

"Nope," Says Yangyang. "There's just a sensor or something. They kinda trust we won't do anything stupid anymore but Ten loves his Wild Wings."

You hear Winwin sigh deeply at this and chuckle.

Admittedly, you're not quite too sure what happened after that. All you remember is you and Yangyang walking to grab the boxes of chicken and passing them to Winwin before you and Yangyang are escorted to an isolation unit.

"You're telling me you accidentally left the bubble twice." You can hear Kun practically screeching from Yangyang's cell phone across the room. "I have half the mind to bench you for the next playoff game if the league doesn't make the call first."

"Oh no," Yangyang makes some questionable noises with his mouth. "The reception's bad gotta go!"

You can barely contain your laughter as you watch Yangyang hastily hang up the call and slide his phone back into his pocket.

His shoulders slump as he breathes a loud sigh and turns dejectedly towards you.

"I'm really sorry-"

"It's fine. Neither of us knew-"

"No, I mean I'm sorry for everything." He scoots his folding chair a bit closer to you. "I've been stressed lately and really had no right to take it out on you. I should've apologized properly the first time but I didn't. Now I've got you stuck in quarantine too."

"It's okay. Really." You smile at Yangyang and flash him an awkward thumbs up. "It happens to the best of us. We're just lucky Winwin didn't cross the boundary so he wasn't quarantined. Ten would've been pissed."

Yangyang smiles at this and sticks out his hand.

"Let's start over properly. I'm Liu Yangyang, one of the starting small forwards for the Portland Trail Blazers. You seem cool and witty and despite the fact that you published those god awful pictures of me in your latest article, I think we'd be good friends."

You snort at his introduction but reach out to shake his hand.

"_____. Rookie reporter for NeoMag and a huge fan of basketball and one Liu Yangyang."

"Oh shit really?" Yangyang's eyes practically sparkle at this and you feel your heart flip slightly.

"Yeah," You admit sheepishly. "You're one of the best players I've seen in a while."

And also one of the cutest, but you'd never admit that.

"I must've really given you a bad first impression then." Yangyang scratches his head awkwardly making you laugh.

"Yeah, maybe a little bit."

It's funny how well the two of you get along, the extra aggressive q-tip testing almost a bonding experience for the both of you. A new chapter in your bubble adventure.

You and Yangyang are forced to quarantine for the next 10 days, most of which you spend yelling at each other from your respective balconies and video calling. This does, unfortunately, mean that Yangyang has to miss the rest of his pre-playoff games and three playoff games but he's kind enough to avoid dribbling in his hotel room again. Aside from your interview with Yangyang and the other rookies, you did manage to get in enough tidbits from other players during your time near the court to write another article or two.

"You know they're letting us invite guests for playoffs?" Yangyang says one night over Zoom as you continue to work on an article.

"Yeah, I read something about that." You drag the small window of Yangyang to the corner closest to where your eyes are focused for work. "Are you planning on inviting someone? Significant other maybe?"

Your teasing tone only elicits a groan from Yangyang who seems a bit dejected.

"Firstly I am a sad single Pringle—an unfortunate downside to my occupation where I have to constantly travel and practice—and secondly, my family is in Germany and most of my friends in America are part of the NBA."

"Germany?" You echo, trying to recall any information that you read about his past.

"Yeah. I was born in Taiwan and then my family moved to Germany when my dad got a job offer so my passport-" Yangyang rummages through his desk before pulling out a small burgundy red passport from his desk. "Is German. Pretty cool right?"

"Yeah," You can't help but notice how cute he looks, even with his messy hair and face slightly pixelated from the webcam, he smiles cutely at you. "Pretty cool."

"So tell me more about yourself." Puts away his passport and props his head onto his hand. "You're always asking me all the questions in interviews and I know practically nothing about you."

"Well, there's not much to know." You maximize Yangyang's Zoom window, watching as his face fills the screen of your laptop.

"Of course there are things to know! We can switch roles for today." Yangyang types something into his laptop quickly before sharing his screen.

"Twenty questions to get to know someone better? Really?"

Yangyang can't help but laugh at how appalled you look. You suppose after working with professionals in the industry for a while, it's easy to get taken aback by things like this.

"Come on, it'll be fun!"

You watch the screen scroll down to the first question.

"What's your favourite animal?"

"Isn't this question kind of lame?" You question making Yangyang pout.

"Just let me get to know you better." He whines making you laugh.

"Okay, alpacas."

"Why?" Yangyang tilts his head slightly.

"Because they're cute and fluffy." You pull up a picture of an alpaca you have saved on your phone. "See, look."

Yangyang squints at his screen, the webcam adjusting a few seconds later to focus better on your phone screen. "Wait, then why not sheep. They're also soft and fluffy."

You narrow your eyes at him. "Doesn't your name mean 'sheep sheep' in Chinese?"

"Okay, next question," Yangyang says quickly, hoping you don't notice the way his cheeks turn slightly red. "What's your favourite way to spend a day off?"

"That question doesn't apply since I'm always on the job, " You reply almost instantly, sighing put your face in your hands. "It's been a while since I got a day off and even when I have one, I'm still looking for work to do. The pandemic left me with too little work and now that I'm here I still feel like I'm not getting enough work. My boss is kind of a hard ass and I guess I haven't proven myself to him yet."

Yangyang frowns at your words as you continue.

"Even getting sent here felt like I was some sort of second option. Another rookie to drive it forward with no loss. My boss literally said I was being sent since I'm 'young and single so I can afford to drop everything and go to the bubble'."

"You know, as a rookie myself, I totally get that." Yangyang inhales sharply before continuing. "Did I ever tell you why I was extra pissy after you reported me?"

You shake your head and Yangyang shoots you a sad smile.

"I was third pick, but I'm sure you already knew that." You smile impishly at him. "Being third pick, I thought that'd mean I'd get more time on the court and more opportunities to improve my playing but I feel like I'm just being complacent. It's like the team's happy with how I'm playing now so they don't push me to do any better, but I want to get better. I joined the NBA because it's where all the best players are and I want to learn from them but instead, I have some pressure to do well with practically no guidance. Even though I'm doing well right now, I feel like everyone's waiting for me to slip up. I didn't even realize you were there that night since I'd been dribbling in my room for a while. If I'd known, I wouldn't have done it but after having Kun chew my ear off about it in the morning-"

"Yangyang, it's okay." You hold up a hand as you cut off his sentence. "It really just is what it is and at the end of the day, we're all doing our best to get through life. Besides, I'd like to think we're friends now. Friends that get q-tips violently shoved up their nose because of chicken, stay together right?"

"Right."

Your words resonate in his head through the rest of the week and Yangyang can't help but wonder if he wants to stay just friends with you. Something about the idea of remaining complacent with your current relationship didn't sit right with him.

You and Yangyang are cleared to return to the court as quickly as the league policy would allow, meaning Yangyang was getting ready to go for his first playoff game this afternoon.

"A little birdy told me that you and Yangyang were talking during your quarantine period." Sings Ten as he slings an arm around your shoulders making you jump.

You could never quite understand how you never noticed Ten approaching you on the court. He was dressed in casual attire, his team having played their third playoff game yesterday afternoon, which you watched on a livestream while Yangyang called all the holes in their plays through Zoom.

"Jeez, do you ever make noise when you walk?" You whine as you move to hug the boy. "And yes, we've been talking."

Ten smiles softly at you.

"See, told you he's a good guy."

You roll your eyes and let out a short laugh.

"Yeah, he's not bad." You turn to look at Yangyang who's running some drills with Xiaojun. He notices you looking their way and shoots you a wave before grabbing the other boy and heading towards you and Ten. "But how'd you figure out we're talking?"

"Well Xiaojun sent me videos of Yangyang rapping Eminem off the balcony to you and Yangyang would not shut up about how cu-"

Ten never gets to finish his sentence as Yangyang claps his hand over the older boy's mouth before smiling innocently at you.

"Hey ___! Nice to see you in front of me and not from my laptop or my balcony."

He removes his hand from Ten's mouth, instead moving to envelop you in a hug. It's an unfamiliar feeling having Yangyang's arms around you, although not unwelcome. The smell of cologne and bubblegum fills your senses and you feel yourself fall into his embrace.

Xiaojun awkwardly clears his throat as Ten simply smirks at the two of you together. Flustered, you pull away from Yangyang and fiddle with the camera around your neck.

"Nice to see you too." Your voice comes out smaller than you expect and you feel your cheeks get hot.

"You two will be cheering for us while we play right?" Yangyang smiles at both you and Ten.

"Yup," Ten replies, making a basketball shooting gesture with his hands. "You'd better shoot a triple-double today!"

"Against the Lakers? Unlikely" Scoffs Xiaojun as he turns to look at the other team.

The Lakers were predicted to win the playoffs this year so you could see why Xiaojun was so dejected. Even when you'd spoken with some of the other players, it seemed unlikely that the Trail Blazers would progress all the way to the finals. Plus, Yangyang's team had also lost two of the three games he'd missed so far. Statistically, it wasn't very likely that the Trail Blazers would make it much further in the playoffs.

"Xiaojun, Yangyang!" Kun's call motions for the two to head over, the giant scoreboard above the court signalling around fifteen minutes till the game starts.

"Good luck!" You manage to call out.

You and Ten find a spot in the section reserved for staff and guests to watch the game.

Despite the fact that you've seen Yangyang play in person a couple of times in the bubble and before the pandemic, he never fails to impress you. He handles the ball as if he's had years of playing professionally and is able to read the opposing player's movements well. You snap several pictures for your article that afternoon, much to your satisfaction, only noticing later while reviewing the pictures that out of the nearly 500 photos you'd taken during the game, around a hundred of them had been of Yangyang. You don't mention it to Yangyang who comes to your room later the next day to complain about his team's second loss.

"I could've totally scored more points if they hadn't set me up for so many fouls." Pouts Yangyang as he eats some of the room service fries the two of you ordered earlier.

"Learn how to shoot better threes and then we can talk." You tease, making Yangyang gape at you.

"Do you even know how to shoot a basketball? Oh my god, let's go." Yangyang pulls you up from your chair and throws a sweater at you.

"Where are we going?" You ask, saving your files before closing your laptop.

Yangyang grabs his jacket before shooting you a smile.

"I'm gonna show you how hard it is to shoot a three-pointer."

Admittedly, you've never been the most athletic person ever but you hadn’t anticipated just how bad you were at basketball.

“No offence but I don’t think you had any right insulting my three-point shooting ability,” Yangyang watches as another airball rolls past his feet. “You’re literally at the free-throw line.”

Yangyang had insisted you start from the easiest place to shoot first, which you’d argued was right next to the basket but he’d argued you may as well learn how to do layups if you wanted to shoot from there. Instead, you find yourself in the semi-circle that is the free-throw line, consistently missing shot after shot making Yangyang laugh maniacally from the side.

“I like to consider myself to be more of an intellectual than an athlete.” You respond cheekily, moving to grab the basketball.

Yangyang scoffs at you before moving to grab the basketball, dribbling to the free-throw line.

“Come here,” He nestles the basketball under his arm and uses his free hand to wave you over. “I’ll teach you how to shoot.”

You roll your eyes and take a swig of water before jogging to meet him at the free-throw line.

“What do I do coach?” Your tone is mocking but Yangyang can’t help but find you cute.

“Okay so line up like you’re about to take a shot.”

You do as you’re told, holding the ball in your hands above your head with your arms bent slightly.

You glance over at Yangyang who simply shoots you a weird look.

“That’s not okay.” He moves beside you and positions himself as if he were shooting the ball. “Copy me,”

You bend your knees and adjust your arms slightly, trying to adjust to Yangyang’s stance. He simply tsks in response, dropping his stance and moving behind you.

“Okay so first move your legs a bit further apart,” He moves his feet behind yours, trying to position you and you follow suit.

“And then your arms,” He reaches up to lower your arms so that the ball is in your face, allowing you to see just above the ball.

He steps back to check your posture from afar and nods to himself. “Okay so just use one hand to shoot and one hand to position the ball, and then jump when you shoot.”

Taking a deep breath, you do as he says, jumping to shoot the ball and you watch as the ball flies from your hands to bounce against the backboard and lands in the net.

“Oh my god, Yangyang did you see that!” You cry before launching yourself into his arms.

Yangyang can only laugh as he wraps his arms around you and pulls away slightly to press a kiss to your lips. You feel yourself freeze and you can feel the moment Yangyang realizes his mistake, pulling away hastily.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry-”

“Wait no,” You walk towards him and cup his face, eyes softening as you look at him. “You did it wrong.”

You take your time connecting your lips with his own. Yangyang kisses you softly, quickly wrapping an arm around your waist and moving to cup your face with his free hand. He tastes like the fries the two of you had been eating earlier and you feel your eyes flutter shut as you smile into the kiss.

“Well, you may not be a great three-point shooter,” You say once you two have pulled away from the kiss. “But you are a great teacher and kisser.”

Yangyang scoffs as he smacks your shoulder and pulls you in for another kiss.

“So let me get this straight,” Xiaojun says as the two of them are running drills the next day. “You literally made out with ___ on the court and you didn’t think to make things official?”

Yangyang looks around the court guiltily and Xiaojun has half the mind to smack the boy into the next dimension.

“Maybe.”

Nothing really happened after the two of you had kissed yesterday. You’d both shared a few more flirtatious looks and maybe kissed a bit more before heading off to your respective rooms and Yangyang realized once he woke up that he never asked you out or asked if he could be your boyfriend.

“Just ask then.” Deadpans Xiaojun, passing the basketball to Yangyang with a bit too much force. “Be like ‘hey I’m an idiot but I could be your idiot.’”

Yangyang almost fails to catch the ball as he cringes with his whole body at Xiaojun’s terrible advice. “You’re gross dude. No wonder the two of us have been single for so long.”

“Hey!” Whines Xiaojun as Yangyang passes the ball back to him. “You literally have a chance now. I might be sad and lonely but you’re just pathetic.”

Yangyang can only glare at the other boy, knowing full well that he’s right. As the two of them continue their drills, Yangyang could only hope that he’d muster enough courage to tell you before you both had to leave the bubble.

You’re going through a similar situation and it pains you to say that you’ve gotten way too used to having Yangyang around in your everyday bubble life.

Given the fact that playoff games were best four out of seven and the Trail Blazers had already lost three of four games, it was a given that Yangyang would be busy practicing. You just hadn’t realized just how much you’d miss him.

It’s precisely for this reason that you end up seated on the side of the court with Ten and Winwin.

You were proud to say the Raptors had swept the Nets with a four-game win, which also meant that Ten and Winwin were able to watch Yangyang’s basketball game with you.

“You’re both idiots you know,” Winwin says as the announcer lists off player introductions at an ear-shattering volume.

You’re sandwiched between him and Ten as they sit on the seats beside you, eyes fixated on the court.

“He literally hasn’t spoken to me since that night. What am I supposed to think?” You sigh as Winwin and Ten turn to look at each other.

“You’re supposed to think he’s a coward that’s wildly in love with you and also a very busy basketball player.” Ten says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Even Yukhei knows he likes you and it took him three years to realize his girlfriend liked him back before they got together.” Winwin looks pained as he recalls the days of Yukhei and Yuqi’s terrible college flirting days. “Please don’t make us lock you in a closet like we did with them. She nagged my ear off for months.”

You laugh nervously at the idea of being locked in a closet with Yangyang. “Yeah, I don’t think it’ll come to that.”

“I sure hope not,” Mumbles Winwin as the referee approaches the center of the court for the tip-off.

It truly seemed as if the Trail Blazers had a chance, the game fairly close until the gap widened in the third quarter. It was painful to see the Trail Blazers lose to the Lakers in a 122 to 131 game but you could see that both teams played hard, Yangyang even scoring several points on his own. You watch as the few bubble interviewers scramble to get a word from the players.

Xiaojun sees you, Ten and Winwin heading their way and nudges Yangyang.

“I’m not saying it’s now or never but it’s definitely now or when the playoffs are over or something.”

“Yangyang!” You call as the three of you begin to approach him and Xiaojun. “You played well today!”

His lips thin into a line, Yangyang thinks about Xiaojun’s words before throwing all caution to the wind.

"You know what, fuck it. I've lost too many things today." Yangyang runs towards you, wrapping an arm around your waist as he pulls you to his chest and cups your face before placing his lips on yours.

You feel your face heat up immediately but move to kiss him back making the other boys around you coo. Even though you’ve kissed Yangyang a couple of times now, you’re not sure that you’ll ever get tired of it. If one thing’s for sure, you hope you’ll get more opportunities to be with him in the future.

Yangyang grabs your hands as the two of you pull apart and looks into your eyes before speaking.

"Could you maybe give me one win today and let me be your boyfriend?" He shoots you one of his signature boyish smiles and you can't help but smile back as you give his hands a squeeze.

"I guess that'd be a win for me too.

“So yeah, my favourite bubble memory was meeting ____ and now we’re dating. Thanks for listening or reading this interview.” Yangyang smiles cheekily at the camera as you smack his arm.

It was safe to say that you didn’t think you’d be interviewing your boyfriend for a while—especially given the ending of the season and the promotion you received—but you were pleasantly surprised to see that the surprise guest that Doyoung insisted you had to interview was none other than your boyfriend, Liu Yangyang.

“Oh my god, you’re such an idiot.” You say, eyes sparkling as you move to give Yangyang a quick peck.

“Well, now I’m your idiot basketball boyfriend.” Jokes Yangyang as he interlocks his hands with your own, eyes softening as he looks at you.

“Yeah, I guess you are.” You ruffle his hair. “Mostly an idiot though.”

“Hey!”

thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed it :3 feel free to leave me a message to let me know what you think!

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bananaofswifts · 3 years

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Taylor Swift Turns on a Facsimile Machine for the Ingenious Recreations of ‘Fearless (Taylor’s Version)’: Album Review

Swift recreates her entire 2008 album literally down to the last note, then gives herself room for stylistic latitude on six never-before-recorded "vault" tracks.

By Chris Willman

Swift recreates her entire 2008 album literally down to the last note, then gives herself room for stylistic latitude on six never-before-recorded "vault" tracks.

There is no “best actress” award at the Grammys, perhaps for obvious reasons, but maybe there should be this coming year. And the Grammy would go to… Taylor Swift, for so persuasively playing her 18-year-old self in “Fearless (Taylor’s Version),” her beyond-meticulous recreation of the 2008 recording that did win her her first album of the year trophy back in the day. It’s impossible to overstate just how thoroughly the new version is intended as an exact replica of the old — all the way down to her startling ability to recapture an untrained teen singing voice she’s long matured and moved on from. It’s a stunt, to be sure, but a stunt for the ages — mastering the guile it takes to go back to sounding this guileless.

There are two different, very solid reasons to pick up or stream “Taylor’s Version,” regardless of whether you share her ire for the Big Machine label, whose loose ways with her nine-figure catalog precipitated this, the first in a six-album series of remakes where she’ll be turning on the facsimile machine. One is to marvel at her gift for self-mimicry on the album’s original tracks, where she sounds as possessed by her younger self as Regan ever was by Pazuzu. The other reason is, of course, to check out the six “vault” numbers that Swift wrote during that time frame but has never released before in any form, which dispenses with stylistic fealty to the late 2000s and frames her “Fearless”-era discards in production and arrangements closer to “Folklore.” Those half-dozen (kind of) new tracks really do sound like modern Taylor Swift covering her old stuff.

But those original lucky 13? It’s the same damn record… which is kind of hilarious and marvelous and the kind of meta-ness that will inspire a thousand more think-pieces than it already has, along with possibly efforts at forensic analysis to figure out how she did it.

It would not be surprising if, as we speak, Big Machine was putting a combined team of scientists and lawyers on the case of the new album’s waveform readouts, to make sure it’s not just the original album, remixed. Honestly, it’s that close. The timings of the songs are all within a few seconds of the original tracks, if not coming in at exactly the same length. The duplication effort doesn’t allow any detours. If “Forever and Always” had a cold open then, it’s going to have a cold open now. If the 2008 “That’s the Way I Love You” had slamming rock guitars with an almost subliminal banjo being plucked beneath the racket, so will the 2021 “That’s the Way I Loved You.” A drum roll to end the old “Change”? A drum roll to end its body-snatcher doppelganger. And if she chuckled before the final chorus of “Hey Stephen” 13 years ago, so will that moment be cause for a delighted giggle now.

Of course, much analysis will be put into whether the new laugh is a more knowing-sounding laugh. And that will be part of the fun for a certain segment of audiophile Swifties who will go looking for the slightest change as evidence of something meaningful. When “Love Story (Taylor’s Version)” first came out weeks back to preview the album, there were reviews written that swore she’d subtly changed up her phrasing to put a contemporary spin on the song. And maybe they were right, but, having done a fair amount of A/B testing of the two versions of the album, I found myself feeling like I do when vinyl buffs insist there are significant sonic differences between the first stamper version of an LP and one that was pressed a year later. If you can spot those very, very, very modest tweaks, go for it.

But my suspicion is that if Swift has decided to turn a phrase a little differently here or there on this album, or done anything too differently aside from brighten the sound, she’s doing it more as an Easter egg, for the people who are on that kind of hunt, than anything really designed as reinterpretation. Because the last thing Swift wants most of her fans doing is A/B-ing the two versions, the way I did. The whole point is to have folks retire the OG “Fearless” from their Spotify playlists, right? The Swift faithful were already threatening to rain down damnation on anyone caught sneaking an audio peek at the old version after midnight. What she intended was to come up with a rendering so faithful that you would never have a need to spin the vintage album again. In that, she has succeeded beyond what could have been imagined even in the dreams of the few self-forgers who’ve tried this before, like a Jeff Lynne.

Is there any reason to find value in the new versions if you couldn’t care less about the issues of masters and contracts and respect in business deals that made all this strangely possible? Yes, with the first one being that the new album just sounds like a terrific remastering of the old — the same notes, and you’d swear the same performances, but sounding brighter and punchier just on a surface level. But on a more philosophical one, it’s not just a case of Swift playing with her back catalog like Andy Warhol played with his soup can. It’s really a triumph of self-knowledge and self-awareness, in the way that Swift is so hyper-conscious of the ways she’s matured that she has the ability to un-mature before our very ears. With her vocals, it’s virtuosic, in a way, how she’s made herself return to her unvirtuosic upstart self.

On Swift’s earliest albums and in those seminal live shows — at the time when she was famously being told she “can’t sing,” to quote a song from the follow-up album — there was a slight shrillness around the edges of her voice that, if you lacked faith, you might’ve imaged would be there forever. It wasn’t. That was partly youth, and partly just the sheer earnestness with which she wanted to convey the honesty of the songs. She’s advanced so much since then — into one of pop’s most gifted modern singers, really — that the woman of “Folklore” and “Evermore” seems like a completely different human being than the one who made the self-titled debut and “Fearless,” never mind just a woman versus girl. It wouldn’t have seemed possible that she could go back to her old way of singing at the accomplished age of 31, but she found and recreated that nervous, sincere, pleading voice of yesteryear. And maybe it was just a technical feat, of temporarily unlearning what she’s learned since then, but you can sense that maybe she had to go there internally, too, to the place where she was counseling other girls to guard their sexual virtue in “Fifteen,” or wondering whether to believe the fairy tale of “Love Story” or the wakeup call of “White Horse,” or proving with “Forever & Always” that writing a song telling off Joe Jonas for his 27-second breakup call was better than revenge.

If at first you’re not inclined to notice that Swift has re-adopted a completely different singing voice for the “Fearless” remakes, the realization may kick in when those “vault” tracks start appearing in the later stretch of this hour-and-50-minute album. The writing on the six songs that have been pulled up from the 2008 cutting room floor seems primitive, even a little bit by the standards of the “Fearless” album; there are great lines and couplets throughout the rescued tracks, but you can see why she left them as works-in-progress. But she doesn’t use her youthful voice on these resurrections, nor does she employ the actual style of “Fearless” very strictly. Of course, she feels more freedom on these, because there are no predecessors in the Big Machine catalog she’s asking you to leave behind. Her current collaborators of choice, Jack Antonoff and Aaron Dessner, divided the co-producing work on these fresher songs, as they did for the two all-new albums she released in the last year. (The “Fearless” recreations are co-produced by Swift with Christopher Rowe, someone who worked on remixes for Swift back in that era.) They co-produce the vault songs in a style that sounds somewhere between “Fearless” and Folklore”… a more spectral brand of country-pop, with flutes and synths and ringing 12-string guitars and a modicum of drum programming replacing some (but not all) of the acoustic stringed instruments you’d expect to be carried over from “Fearless” proper.

Of the previously unheard tracks, Swift was right — she’s always been her own best self-editor — in putting out “You All Over Me” first, in advance of the album. With its imagery of half-muddy stones being upturned on the road, this song has advanced lyrical conceits more of a piece with the level of writing she’s doing now than some of the slightly less precocious songs that follow. Still, there’s something to be said for the sheer zippiness with which Swift conveys teen heartbreak in “Mr. Perfectly Fine,” which has a lyric that shows Swift had long since absorbed the lessons Nashville had to offer about how to come up with a high-concept song — the concept, in this case, being just to stick the word “mister” in front of a lot of phrases relating to her shallow ex, as if they were honorary titles to be conferred for being a shit, while she employs the “miss” for herself more sparingly.

Some of the remaining outtake songs go back more toward the sedate side of “Fearless”-style material; she didn’t leave any real bangers in the can. “We Were Happy,” the first of two successive tracks to bring in Keith Urban (but only for backgrounds on this one), employs fake strings and real cello as Swift waxes nostalgic for a time when “you threw your arms around my neck, back when I deserved it.” It’s funny, in a good way, to hear Swift at 31 recreating a song she wrote at 17 or 18 that pined for long-past better times. The next song, “That’s When,” brings Urban in for a proper duet where he gets a whole second verse and featured status on half a chorus, and it’s lovely to hear them together. But, as a make-up song, it doesn’t feel as real or lived-in as the more personal things she was writing at the time — and the fact that its chords are pretty close to a slightly more balladic version of the superior “You Belong With Me” was probably a pretty good reason for dropping it at the time.

the 18-year-old Taylor Swift is a great place to visit, but “Folklore” and “Evermore” are the place you’ll want to return to and live, unless you have an especially strong sentimental attachment to “Fearless”… which, sure, half of young America does. It’s not irreconcilable to say that the two albums she issued in the last year represent a daring pinnacle of her career, but that “Fearless” deserved to win album of the year in 2008. Has there been a greater pop single in the 20th century than “You Belong With Me”? Probably not. Did the album also have lesser moments you probably haven’t thought about in a while, like the just-okay “Breathe”? Yes. (I looked up to see whether Swift had ever played that little remarked upon number in concert, and according to setlists.fm, she did, exactly once… in 2018. Because she’s Taylor Swift, and of course she did.) It’s not certain that her duet with Colbie Caillat really needed to be resurrected, except it’s fun, because hey, she even roped former duet partners back into her time warp. But there are so many number that have stood the test of time, like “The Way I Love You,” an early song that really got at the complicated feelings about passion and fidelity that she would come to explore more as she grew into her 20s… and just kind of a headbanger, too, on an album that does love its fiddles and mandolins.

It doesn’t take much to wonder why Swift put up “Fearless” first in this six-album exercise; it’s one of her two biggest albums, along with “1989,” and it’s 13 years old, which does mean something superstitious in the Taylor-verse. In a way, it’ll be more interesting to see what happens when she gets to more complicated productions, like “1989” or “Reputation.” But maybe “Fearless” did present the opportunity for the grandest experiment out of the gate: to recreate something that pure and heartfelt, with all the meticulousness a studio master like Swift can put to that process now, without having it seem like she’s faking sincerity. Let the think-pieces proceed — because this is about six hundred different shades of meta. But, all craftiness and calculation aside, there’s a sweetness to the regression that’s not inconsequential. It harks back to a time when she only wondered if she could be fearless, before she learned it the harder way for sure. What they say about actors “disappearing into the role”? That really applies to Taylor Swift, playing herself.

#taylor swift #fearless #review

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straighttohellbuddy · 4 years

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how the light gets in {Corpse Husband}

2. you’ve gone way too fast for way too long.

Summary: Supernatural Creatures AU. Them/Them Reader. After the success of your first stream, you find yourself wanting to get back to your YouTube roots, and what better way to do that than with a cover by one of the bands who holds a special place in your heart? And maybe you’re using it to distract yourself from thinking about how coming back to YouTube means coming back to the things - the people - you’d left behind.

Maybe it’s selfish, but Corpse kind of wishes you hadn’t come back to YouTube; honestly, if anyone else had taken the world by storm, he wouldn’t complain half as much, except it’s you and he’s still mostly convinced that you might be an angel like him... Except better. Because of course you would be a better angel, you’re talented and driven and personable and essentially everything an angel should be, and - bar the talented bit, Corpse at least knows some of his worth - you’re everything he’s pretty sure he’s not. Except it seems like everyone loves you, and he doesn’t exactly have a good enough reason to be bothered by you the way he is, so he has to act like he isn’t. Which is a lot easier said than done, when you barely say a word to him and it feels like all of his suspicions are confirmed.

A/N: 8471 words. Reader in the fic is stated to be 24. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SUPERNATURAL THE TV SERIES. me, trying to walk the line between 3rd person omniscient narrator and trying to make the narration feel like its somewhat coming from the POV character?? it’s more likely than you think! as always, i really appreciate feedback.

{ m a s t e r l i s t }

Taglist: @nanasort @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian @theboywhocriedlupin @taikalinna @jaychirps @bingusmode @divine-artemis @realmejay @lovemelikepercy @balla-deer @miniritzcrackers @loraleiix @ppopty @easygoingtheatre @insanedeathwish @siriuslystupid @losvertown @janiathecat @wineandionysus @moonlightsimp @allylyew @chokingonflxwers @sicnesa @xxniksxx @mishisamess @preciousskye @yashinosakura @meleekabenjamin @whatamievendoinghere01 @lxurxn-02 @liljennyx3 @the-fusionist @benjaminka @lilysdaydreams @a-lonely-bic @letsloveimagines @melmachh @tama-chan-suneater @shio-yuki @fairywriter-oracle @easygoingtheatre @pixelbxtch @dreammoutlouddd @abysshaven @mediocrearistophanes @tsukishimawh0re @inkbyajm @jordiee95 @honkcorpse @kaiihaan @takenbyheartstrings @mrtony-stank1 @dangeroustreebread @xibrokensunriseix @corpseglider @artsyally @ellsbells2143 @machine-gun-casie @marvelsmurphy @bigmac-papi @danielle143 @fivedicksinatrenchcoat @starstruckllamapuppy @youretheonlyonewhomakesme @fee-btheweeb @parkerpeanuts @fanfictionenthusiast @evans-dejong @pancakebinnie @minbunbun @sabrinarahaman @thefangirl05 @jades-bullshit @fo-love @roses-and-grasses @thirstyfangirl @lovelysmp @325575 @wrongcielo @lukathecrime @lunariasilver @delicrieux @rebloogggs @kookiesandtae7 @mizxkii @effielumiere @happyyyandcrazyyy @teenageguitarist @prettylittlealiengirl @aroyalharknessblr @kylie-writes-stuff @annshit @haunteddeputymugpersona

taglist is always open! message me if you’d like to be added xx

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The day after your song drops, it’s on Spotify’s Top 50 Viral playlist, it’s charting on iTunes, it’s splattered across the internet, according to your manager, who sees fit to text you, congratulating you on what she assumed to be a masterful marketing tactic; releasing the song and immediately streaming alongside huge YouTube creators who have a wide and diverse fanbase, all plugging your music. She thinks it was a carefully calculated move, which makes you feel all kinds of scummy, like you were using your new friends. Thankfully, when you fire a somewhat defensive response about how you had no ulterior motive, that all you wanted to do was have fun and make friends, your tone apparently reads loud and clear, as you receive an apology a few moments later. Backtracking, she simply mentions that, even unintentionally, you had great timing, and she’s glad you had a good time, which is better, and you try not to dwell on your initial assumption. Years of your life had been spent worrying that the people you were close to just thought you were using them for views or fame; her words did little to quell that worry, so instead you tried to distract yourself, or at the very least, focus on the good that yesterday had brought about.

The best, of course, was Sykkuno, the hellhound who’d endeared himself to you almost immediately. Something about him makes you feel safe, though perhaps it’s that you’re unused to someone feeling so familiar; you like to think you’re a good judge of character, so for now, you’re trusting in your instincts, trusting in Sykkuno. The next best thing was a tie, between friends and freedom. Yesterday you’d been doing what you wanted to do, not what you thought you should be doing, not what was on brand, or carefully scripted; you were messy, stumbled over your words, and you laughed and deceived your friends as was the aim of the game, it was so freeing to be unfiltered. People kept saying it was nice to see you smile, to hear you laugh again. Huh. Part of you really doesn’t like that you know exactly what they mean, and more importantly, why people are saying that at all. But things are different now, are freer now; your brand was built on you, it’s nice to get back to that.

By mid-morning, you’d been sprawled out on your sofa for almost an hour, glad to be alone, to not have to worry about being seen, as you’ve phased your tail back into reality, and have it holding up your phone as you scroll through Twitter with one hand and fidget idly with the other. More and more you’re seeing supportive comments from people gushing about the few bars you’d sung of 5 Seconds of Summer’s Youngblood on stream yesterday. First your chat had loved it, now it seems the general consensus was that people would love for you to cover more than a few bars. While you tried not to listen too much to what other people wanted, you couldn’t help but admit that it was something you definitely wanted too.

When you text your manager, new idea already taking hold of your focus, your earlier unsavoury text conversation seemingly forgotten, your manager reminds you that you should be working on your new album, putting together the tracklist for your EP. Ugh.

It’s not that you didn’t have ideas, quite the opposite; you’re exploding with ideas, brimming, overflowing with them, for songs you wants to write and feelings you can’t express any other way, but the songs and collaborations you’ve already completed, their mp4 files sitting neatly on your desktop, you wanted to save them for the full album, like it was some sort of penance for getting to collaborate, getting to become friends with people you looked up to, people who inspired you. To you, their contribution was worthy of your full album.

Well, that was part of the reason, the other part was that the songs you had designated for the album had a different vibe to your EP songs; albumtouralbumtour and imposter syndrome had both been written in lockdown, about very specific concerns you were having at the time. The EP was shaping up to capture a very specific moment in time, while the album was so much more than that. You couldn’t put read at five am on the EP, the collaboration you’d done with Troye, a lyrical-lament with a dissonant, upbeat melody, an apology for when you’re the one who cuts off contact with someone you’re close to and don’t know how to say why, and don’t know how to come back; yes, the fact that you and Ethan are talking again means that the song is technically relevant to this period of time, but it’s three years of regret and indirect apology compressed into in three minutes. It’s going on the album.

But being stuck at home all day for months had made you all nostalgic for your roots, for when you’d started uploading all the way back in 2012, at 16, with no idea what a few videos would lead to. You missed covering songs you loved, the songs other people had written and that you had still connected with, the songs that made you want to write your own. Yes, you loved your own content, obviously, but from idea to video publishing, you knew a low-effort cover would take you maximum a day and a half if you were particularly inspired, which you clearly were. By now, you’d been doing this for so long that you knew the legality of it all like the back of your hand, and were in a stable enough place to be more than happy to pay royalties to the band you’d co-headlined alongside for your first international tour.

“What if I call the boys and ask them?” You decided to just call your manager directly, tail curled securely around your phone where you’d put her on speaker, pottering around your kitchen trying to find something to eat. Alison, on the other end of the line, sighed deeply, having been fielding these sorts of calls from you about once a fortnight since lockdown had started.

“Have you finished moment before impact yet?” She countered, and you wrinkle your nose; its as if she can hear the expression through the phone with the way she continues on, not giving you a moment to cut in, “listen, I won’t tell you what to do, but you need to make a decision about your EP tracklist soon, okay? The label’s breathing down my neck, you know you have more than enough songs for it.”

“Alison, the vibes -”

“The vibes, Y/N, I know,” she sighed deeply, but you could hear the faintest smile in her voice.

“I promise I’m working on my own stuff; I think moment before impact is gonna be a collab, but I’m not sure who with yet, but if it makes you happy, once I record this 5SOS thing, I’ll work on a demo of moment for the EP,” you concede, and you hear her hum in approval, “I promise I have all the songs in my head, I just gotta make sense of which ones are the right ones for now, you know?”

“I really don’t,” you could hear her actually smiling now, so you let yourself relax for a moment, hands braced on your kitchen counter as you looked to your phone, “but I suppose that’s why you’re the musical one and I’m the manager.”

“My favourite manager,” you told her sweetly, and her answering laugh is more of a snort.

"Call the band, maybe they can work something out for you regarding royalties, if you plan to monetise it," she suggested, and you hummed, "keep me updated, okay? Make sure you're still working on your own stuff though."

"Alison you're a national treasure," you tell her feelingly; you don't even have to see her to know she's rolling her eyes.

But you take her advice, sending 'what if I covered Youngblood and posted it to YT? I'll pay you royalties' to the mostly dormant WhatsApp group you have with 5 Seconds of Summer, despite it being about six in the morning in Australia. Callum sends back a thumbs up almost immediately. Its all the confirmation you need to get started.

As you’re hunting through your house for a pick, turning over cushions, looking through junk drawers, you hear your phone go off, and you take a moment to check, surprised by what you see. A message from Sean. Huh.

[I see you’ve finally decided to join us in the gaming community, took you long enough 😊 If you ever wanna play something, just gimme a yell, you know Id be glad to have ya on my team.]

Considering the fact that it had been three years since you and Sean had properly been in contact, you find the message both surprising, and strangely heartwarming. There were a few people you’d purposefully fallen out of contact with, plagued by your own fears and self doubts. The people who you’d seen in person almost daily were the ones who you’d felt the absence of the most, but Sean, just by his close association with those people, along with a few other international friends, had been regretfully left behind also. Here and now, you can feel just how much you’ve missed him, how guilty you feel for giving in to your own anxieties and the negativity spewed by others.

But you know you can’t dwell on the past, on your mistakes, all you can do is be grateful for the opportunity to reconnect, and take it.

[ID: A tweet and reply conversation between @yourtwitter and @goldeny/n, followed by a single tweet by @ZeRoyalViking, and a tweet and reply conversation between @yourtwitter, and @5SOS.

@yourtwitter: someone yell at me for doing another cover instead of my original stuff. quarantine got me feeling 17 again. might do the cinnamon challenge next. or finally do that Roast Yourself trend 4 years too late. | @golden_y/n: BRUH YOU BEST NOT BE PULLING OUR LEGS | @golden_y/n: I would empty my bank account to see you roast yourself. | @yourtwitter: Please Don't Do That YouTube Is Free | @golden_y/n: 😳💀💖

@ZeRoyalViking: stream today with some familiar and not so familiar faces!!

@yourtwitter posted an image of Griffin McElroy from the My Brother My Brother & Me TV show. Griffin is a Caucasian man wearing glasses and a blue checked shirt. He is visible from the chest up and is sitting behind a desk with one arm in front of him, with his thumb out, as if counting. The image’s subtitles have been edited, now reading ‘My friends are very much into the following: Bullying me on TikTok.’ | @yourtwitter: @luke5SOS is just mad im gonna sing his song better than him. he doesn’t use twitter anymore so i have the upper hand here. | @5SOS replies with a gif of Jason Momoa, who is incredibly muscular, with dark hair down to his shoulders, a black tank top, and sunglasses on, holding a microphone, standing in a confrontational manner, captioned ‘No, no, no. By all means, speak your mind. You got a problem with my boy?’ | @yourtwitter: HE WENT LIVE UNPROMPTED TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT HOW I WROTE NOTIMETOSLEEP IN THREE DAYS WITH NO ACTUAL SLEEP, OPENED FOR THEM IN ARIZONA, AND IMMEDIATELY PASSED OUT FOR 16 HOURS AFTER WALKING OFF STAGE | @5SOS: we just miss you tho... and it is kind of funny. | @yourtwitter: the minute im allowed to safely leave lockdown im coming to australia to german supplex the lot of you. ❤️

End ID.]

Corpse’s whole ‘not thinking about you’ plan goes down a lot smoother when you’re not actively stealing his friends- what kind of Angel goes around stealing another person - another Angel’s, no less - friends?! Except, right, he doesn't actually have proof that you're an angel, just a hunch he’s apparently committed to... and, okay, you don't know you're stealing them... Sykkuno and Rae are allowed to have more than one friend. Obviously.

"Honestly, I'm still kind of riding the high from yesterday's stream," Sykkuno’s all kinds of elated in the voice chat, and Rae's quick to chime in, matching his tone, his energy, as she agrees.

"I cannot believe Y/N played with us! I’m sorry you missed it, Corpse, I think you'd love them," Rae is adamant, to which Corpse, from behind the safety of his monitor, makes a face.

"What makes you say that?” Even as he says it, as he tries to keep the negativity from his voice, his nose wrinkles, the expression shifting his eyepatch just a little.

“I don’t know, just something about...” Rae’s voice turns thoughtful as she considers, though Sykkuno takes the chance to pipe up, voice brimming with his trademark sincerity.

“You guys have weirdly similar vibes, like kind of a similar energy?” He tries to explain before a faintly embarrassed laugh escaping him, even with Rae humming in agreement, “not the exact same, obviously, but like, I don’t know, I think you’d really like them.” The problem with having Sykkuno for a friend is that he’s almost always trying to be genuinely kind or helpful. The problem is that Corpse can tell he believes what he’s saying.

An angelic ability that often goes overlooked, even by angels themselves, is the innate ability to tell whether or not someone’s lying. It’s like a faint buzzing, low grade tinnitus, at the sound of a lie, something that can actually be pretty effectively ignored and forgotten, but right now, the lack of buzzing with Sykkuno’s words is frankly irritating. Not that Corpse can say that, he has no real reason to be jealous of your fast forming friendships with his friends, well, not any reason he can admit to on stream.

"You know what,” Sean muses, finally joining the conversation, “It’s been a while since I properly spoke to them, but I totally get what you mean,” fucking great; of course he agrees, “did anyone invite them to play; would love to have them here if they’re up for it.”

"I think they're working on a thing today, but I can message and ask?" It’s Sykkuno who speaks up, the barest hesitation in his voice, and to that Rae makes a proud little noise in the back of her throat.

"You met yesterday on the stream that I organised, and suddenly you're all best buddies? Gonna be honest, I’m a little jealous,” she admits, to which Sykkuno huffs a soft laugh, uncertain of what to say, though Rae’s tone is fond and she continues on, “seriously though, good for you, dude, finally getting the recognition you deserve -"

And on the one hand, yes, Corpse would agree that Sykkuno deserved infinitely more recognition and praise than he currently received, but on the other, the speed at which you two had aparently become close - a day! It had been a day! - sets Corpse’s teeth on edge. It was all he could do to keep quiet as the others chimed in, all their sentiments mirroring Rae’s.

All this frustration and resentment was almost definitely unhealthy, he was more than aware, but something about you had fixed in his mind; if it had been anyone else, anyone less talented or personable or productive, he could have probably handled it, but you...

All he gets is two games worth of peace before Sykkuno announces that he’s gotten a reply. Aparently you’re in the middle of recording a cover. Something about knowing that fills Corpse with discomfort, with envy, like he should be working on his music instead of being here.

"But they say they're gonna take a break in an hour or say, so they might join us for a few games," Sykkuno’s tone betrayed his bright smile, and suddenly the voice chat was flooded with excitement from almost all in attendance.

"Wait, really? Just like that, we'll be playing with Y/N?" Leslie sounds disbelievingly hopeful, but thankfully it’s only a few moments until the next game beings. While none of the others had picked up on Corpse’s silence, his chat seemed confused. Purposefully ignoring their questions and comments on the matter, he instead gives a few comments on the game, trying to come off lighter than he was feeling.

He’s not quite sure what he’s going to do if you join the stream, he’d never actually considered that he might one day talk to you, have to confront the person whose very existence got under his skin, who might very well be the only other person like him on this side of the world. Unsurprisingly, his head’s not in the game.

"Did you get enough sleep last night?” Rae feels the need to ask when whatever response he’d given in a meeting had just come out as an incoherent mumble. Of course he straight up laughs at her question, which is answer enough, and she clicks her tongue disapprovingly, “you’re impossible.”

“Have you drunk any water today -?”

“Sykkuno you’re dead,” Sean interrupts Sykkuno, who had broken one of the main rules of the game simply to question Corpse about his health; he’s far too caring for his own good, but moments like this make for good entertainment, “dead people can’t talk,” Corpse is grateful for all of five seconds before Sean turns on him, reiterating Sykkuno’s question like a traitor; “Corpse, have you drunk water today?” In lieu of a proper response, Corpse groans, playing at being annoyed.

“I say we vote him out because if he is the imposter, we win, and if he isn’t, he has time to go drink a glass of water,” Rae proposes matter-of-factly, which just leaves Corpse spluttering with disbelief.

“That’s fucking stupid; I’m not the imposter, you’re basically throwing the game -” but the votes are already popping up, and unfortunately, for the first time all stream, everyone seems to be in agreement.

“Drink water, Corpse,” Rae, clearly the leader of this mutiny, orders, as Corpse watches his character get flung into lava, and very begrudgingly heeds her words. He takes his sweet time drinking a full glass of water and refilling it to take back with him, intermittently glaring from his kitchen at his computer, despite the game still going on; he’s got several tasks left, if they don’t catch the imposters, they’re doomed, and honestly he doesn’t care. Once the game ends, with the crewmates’ loss, as he’d suspected, they all find themselves back in the lobby. Maybe they’re waiting for him. They can wait longer.

As he settles himself back into his office chair, he pulls on his headphones in time to hear -

“- earlier than I thought because of a whole thing on TikTok and then Twitter, and then my manager texted me telling me-” It’s like he’s turned twenty again at the sound of your voice; you, bright, earnest, rambling to probably Sykkuno or Sean or Rae, probably not even aware of him, but he’s never been more aware of you. Not that he’d ever admit it to anyone, but your second EP, hyperfocus, had been in heavy rotation on his Spotify since he’d discovered it, since he’d listened to the crack in your voice, the exhaustion with which you spoke on i’m going through some stuff when Lofi had just been taking off as a genre. He’s... conflicted, going through an internal crisis while you keep talking, blissfully unaware, “- anyways, I think she’s just worried that I’ll end up threatening to German Supplex Harry Styles, or the late, great, Prince, and I’ll end up cancelled.”

“Y/N,” your name sounds equal parts amused and concerned as Sykkuno says it, with the air of someone who’s been privy to you and your antics far longer than just one day. The response you give is just as bright and cheery as your rambling had been, assuring him that you wouldn’t threaten to German Supplex Prince.

“You sure about that?” Sean was obviously grinning, judging by his fond tone, “sounds like something you’d try -”

“I’ve changed, Jack- Sean- fuck,” your muttered swear undercuts your attempt at earnestness after you correct yourself, clearly not used to calling him by his actual name. To that, Sean gives a fond chuckle, before going right back to ribbing you.

“I’m pretty sure there’s still video evidence of you trying to square up with Mark in person,” Sean points out, to which you grow huffy and defensive, playing up your frustration.

“Well, that was for a completely reasonable reason!”

“Which was?”

“I thought it would be funny,” tone flipping completely, the words come out so sincere and bright it’s almost tooth rotting; if he didn’t know any better, Corpse would probably find himself being endeared by it, “and it was! Plus,” though here you give pause, and something about the tone of the conversation shifts as you chew on the words you’d almost said without thinking, “it was funny,” you said, softer this time. Sean, sensing the shift, does his best to pick the mood back up, reminding you that both you and Mark lost the competition you’d been taking part in anyways, and asking if you really had changed.

Before you had time to answer, however, Rae spots Corpse’s avatar moving ever so slightly, and immediately jumps on him.

“Corpse! Did you drink water?” She asks. He unmutes so they can all hear his deep, beleaguered sigh. “I can and will bully you into taking care of yourself,” her heart’s in the right place, and it is mostly a bit, so he can’t be too put out by the fact that she cares.

“I can’t believe you all voted me out because of it,” he chooses to respond instead, and Rae’s cackle echoes through the voice call.

“She also was the imposter, so...” Ze trailed off, a little sheepishly, to which Corpse rolled his eyes, not that anyone can see. Of course she was. But he’s not even given a moments before -

“You must be Corpse!” The moment the words leave your lips, every single goddamn nerve in Corpse’s body feels like it’s alight; everything overwhelming, unfamiliar,. white-hot, he’s suddenly desperately trying to keep his various abilities in check, since he really doesn’t want to short out his whole system, end the stream early, and probably cause his building to go into a blackout, just because of whatever this is. The whole world has changed with four words; better and worse and more more than anything. It’s... it’s a confirmation of some kind, and he tries to hold onto that vindictive feeling in his chest. You are familiar, you are something he recognises like no-one else he’s ever met before; you are like him. Is it better or worse now he knows it’s the truth?

“Must I be?” He manages to respond, keeping his voice as level as he’s able, shooting for vaguely amused and trying not to let any of the past few seconds sudden overwhelming panic and triumph bleed into his voice. But the moment you hear him, there’s a sharp gasp; that same something, understanding, recognition he’d felt, you feel it too.

“Y/N, you okay?” Ze had asked, and you made a vaguely muffled noise of unconvincing confirmation. Out of sheer, idle curiosity, Corpse opened a new tab and searched up your YouTube channel where you were streaming.

“Maybe we should have warned ya’,” Sean offers with a light laugh, before lowering his voice, immitating and announcer as best as he could, “warning! Corpse is about to speak!” Which at the very least got Corpse to laugh, though he refused to give anything away as your stream loaded, and the banter continued in his ears.

“Har har,” you muttered sarcastically into the voice chat, right as the stream finished loading, and - you. Well dressed, face in your hands, heels of your palms pressed against your closed eyes; honestly, he doesn’t exactly have any prominent initial thoughts about you, watching you scrunch your face up in your hands, dealing with the same thing he had to, though your face was live to thousands. Beside you, the text chat for your stream was going almost too fast to read, but he managed to follow a few threads of thought here and there.

[an eye thing! they’ve got an eye thing!] [someone @ y/n_creature_spec on twt!!] [who has an eye thing??] [lmao love that they were so shocked hearing corpse that it set off their eye thing] [hello!! vampire here!! we have eye things!!] [u cant be a vampire it’s the middle of the day] [THERE ARE COUNTRIES OTHER THAN AMERICA YOU KNOW] [i am willing to put MONEY on the idea of them being fae of some kind.] [^^yeah they just didnt want us to see their eyes sparkling like an anime character.] [that feels like smthn corpse could bring out in people]

And then you’re blinking back to reality, bringing him from his thoughts as for one terrifying moment, it’s as if his gaze locks with yours. Expression so bright and inviting, despite the way your eyes were watering just a little, you hold eye contact with your camera for a moment before looking at your screen, mumbling something about an eyelash in your eye; Corpse lets out a shaky breath. Chat seems unconvinced, but at least the other streams take you on your word. For a few more moments, he quietly watches you, watches the way your eyes roam your screen as you order your thoughts, and for all that he’s thought of you, he’s never properly looked at you. It’s taken him until now to acknowledge that there was definitely a reason for your success beyond just your talent; certainly you could have become successful from your music alone, but your career certainly wasn’t hindered by the fact that you’re actually quite- suddenly, Corpse is overcome by the sense that he’s intruding, exiting out of the window immediately, even going so far as to push back from his desk, fingers spread wide, braced against the edge, trying not to think too hard about... any of it. If he thought too hard about what it meant to have another angel in LA, he would drive himself mad.

“Well, Corpse, it’s good to meet ya, been told great things,” to him and him alone it’s so clear you’re trying so hard to play it cool, though Corpse couldn’t fault you for that, doing the exact same thing; again, when you speak to him, it’s like his whole being is hit with a rush of warmth; it’s less overwhelming this time, somehow scalding but bearable now.

“I see Sykkuno’s been spreading lies about me,” Corpse fires off instinctually, to which Sykkuno splutters protests at the implication, despite your bright laughter, and Sean’s shout to the contrary.

“Don’t be mean, Corpse, Sykkuno would never lie about you,” Sean is adamant, and Corpse can tell he’s being honest, just as the tell-tale ringing in his ears knows the next words from Sean’s mouth are utter lies; “me on the other hand? Y/N whatever you do, do not listen to Corpse’s music, it’s just the worst.” Before the implication, the reality of what he’s saying sinks in, for just a moment, Corpse feels a rush of affection for Sean, so clearly and earnestly plugging his music, right before your voice re-joins the chat and Corpse remembers exactly who Sean is plugging his music to.

“Fuck you, J- Sean, I do what I want,” while you played along, amused and light, Corpse himself was at a loss for words. You ask him - him specifically, he knows, he knows with absolute certainty you’re asking him - if he’s a musician, and everyone else chimes in before he can even think about finding his voice.

“Don’t search him on Spotify! Don’t do it!” Sean, on the verge of laughter, seems delighted by the turn this conversation has taken as the sound of aggressive typing fills the chat from your end. What the fuck. What the fuck?! No matter his thoughts and opinions about you and your possible supernatural origins, you were still Y/N, literal Grammy winner and Golden Child from the Golden Age of YouTube, playing along as Sean used the world’s worst reverse psychology on you to get you to listen to his music. Oh fuck, this is not how today was meant to go.

“I don’t wanna hold up the game, I’ll listen as I play,” you tell them, almost painfully polite, though Ze agrees to start the next game. If Corpse’s mind wasn’t in the game before, there’s no way in hell it was now.

Three minutes into the first round and he’s failing miserably at card swipe when he chances a look at his chat; people were spamming lyrics from Miss YOU! and Cat Girls Are Ruining My Life! which was sweet but nerve wracking, since he’s pretty sure it means you’ve already listened to one and moved on to the next. If you’re an angel, and you know he’s an angel, what in the hell would you think of his music? Honestly, even if you weren’t an angel, you’re still you, and his music was... well...

When the first meeting is called, and it’s discovered that you’ve been murdered, there’s a strange sense of relief that comes with it, even as he’s being accused of your murder. He’s got a solid alibi, so they end up voting out Sean, and the game continues. Despite the brief reprieve from your possible judgement, his heart still feels as though it’s skittering erratically around his ribcage.

Rae comes along when he’s doing Simon Says, and shoots his little avatar. The moment he becomes a ghost, he lets out a long breath, giving himself a moment to relax, to collect his thoughts, catching back up with some questions with chat he hadn’t quite realised he’d been holding, and chances a look at his chat again.

“Of course I’m tense,” he finds himself musing quietly to his chat while the remaining players were arguing over the top of each other in a meeting, “pretty sure most of hyperfocus has been in my Spotify wrapped every year since it was released,” for a few moments, it doesn’t even occur to him what he’s said, or that he’s said it out loud, but when it hits him- oh, oh no, it feels like too much to admit, and he has no idea what to say next, how to backtrack, how to at least pretend like he doesn’t think about you or your music any more than any other person would. However much he may resent certain aspects of it, he still knows he has a reputation to uphold, and panic and denial have never been a part of his reputation.

So he keeps his mouth shut, bites down on the half-hearted excuses and explanations that keep springing to mind, keep pressing against his teeth. He does his tasks quietly, thanks the people donating, and pretend it never happened until the round ends, heart in his throat. He knows, the same way a human survivor in a zombie apocalypse movie knows, that he’s just putting off the inevitable, and that someone’s definitely already clipped it and is probably uploading it to Twitter or Tumblr faster than he could protest.

“Y/N I’m so sorry!” Sean’s the first one to talk when they’re back in the lobby, which leads to your laughter filling the voice chat, telling him it’s okay.

“I didn’t even care, honestly I was just vibing,” the smile in your voice is almost enough to distract from the strained edge to your words, something not quite right, but so faint Corpse isn’t sure if it was really there, and he’s not quite sure anyone else heard it either. Except -

“Y/N?” Sykkuno says your name like it means something that no-one but you and him can decipher, something concerned, almost a question, checking in without being too obvious.

“Yeah?” There’s that strained tone, just a little more audible this time, before you process who’s talking, how he’d said your name, and - “yeah,” firmer, calmer, a reassurance.

“Vibing?” And he says it like that was his question all along, like the two of you hadn’t had a full conversation in three words. When the others started asking about what you thought of the music, it’s clear none of them have picked up on the hint of strangeness that had been in your tone, and you deliberate before answering.

“Am I- is it- it’s weird if I quote it, isn’t it -?”

“Jacksepdicy how I whip that!” Sean practically yells into his microphone, cutting you off and somehow making the line sounding even more Irish than he himself did naturally, which startles a laugh from Corpse, “it’s my name in a song, I think about it daily,” he announces, voice oozing pride, and despite the situation and headspace he found himself in, Corpse feels his heart grow warm knowing that even a line like that had brought Sean joy.

“I thought,” you pause for a moment, presumably to double check which song you were about to reference, “I thought Miss YOU was a whole mood,” you admit, the faintest smile in your voice, and something tightens in Corpse’s chest at that.

“You not gonna quote it?” Rae teased.

“Too nervous to follow Sean,” you fired back.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get there one day, Y/N,” Sean laughs fondly, and you all joke around, playing up the bit, while Corpse’s mind is stuck on the fact that you never once addressed him when talking about his music. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it meant he didn’t have to deal with the sudden, fiery sensation your voice brought with it, so not bothered, persay, if anything he’s glad to know you liked it... But it’s weird that he knows so acutely -

“Hey,” and you don’t even say his name, but there’s that feeling again. Each time it grows less intense, like he’s been inoculated, and no instead of his nerves being ablaze, it’s as if he’s suddenly sitting beside a bonfire, each and every time you speak to him. The others voice their confusion at your sudden vaguness, but Corpse answers without even thinking, because of course he knows.

“Yeah?”

A few moments pass, while the others carry on amongst themselves for the moment. The two of you sit in this one moment together, neither quite sure how to feel about it.

“You’ve been awfully quiet,” you point out, though there was only the barest him of the earlier strangeness in your voice, now overpowered by something that made it almost sound like you were pleased. At this, however, even more confusion arises when the others figure out that Corpse had ‘guessed’ correctly, that you’d been talking to him. But he can’t really hear them, or, well, he finds himself tuning them out, swallowing hard before he pushes to talk.

“Am I not allowed to enjoy the moment?” He asked, trying to ignore the weirdness of it all, keeping his tone light.

“I’m just surprised; it’s your music after all.”

“You like hearing my voice?” Despite the surprisingly cocky way with which he speaks, he regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, wincing internally. Of all the people he could have said that to...

“I never said that,” and though your own tone matched his, something teasing, something that could almost be misconstrued as flirty in the right circumstances, he’d heard the faint thread of discomfort, feeling it all too much himself. But your words, and thankfully your tone, was overshadowed by both Sykkuno and Sean jumping in to assure Corpse that they enjoyed hearing his voice.

“If you and Y/N ever collaborated, you know it’d break the internet, right?” Rae interjects, all kinds of smug and knowing, followed by a chorus of approving voices all broke out in unison as the rest of the lobby considered the possibility.

“Rae, you know our Twitter mentions are going to be going off for the next month now, don’t you?” You groaned.

“Maybe it’s a sign!” Rae exclaimed, delighted, before her tone turns teasing and fond, “and besides, aren’t your mentions always going off?”

[ID: The first four posts on Y/N’s Tumblr dashboard.

blueheart-anon hearing y/n and sean interact again after like 3 years unlocked memories like im a fucking sleeper agent. having war flashbacks to 2017′s ‘y/n is septiplier’s kid’ phase. how do i lock the memories up again im going to die of embarrassment why were we like that [tagged: #y/n #y/n y/l/n #jacksepticeye #sean mcloughlin #i WILL NOT add the ship tag i mentioned #blue talks] [7 notes] [▶️🗩↪️🖤]

fangloriousbastard ↪️fangloriousbastard fangloriousbastard Rae: Y/N & Corpse Collab When? Y/N: 🔪 - fangloriousbastard Y/N IMMEDIATELY MURDERING RAE AND THEN CORPSE I- - fangloriousbastard Y/N MUTTERING THE JACKSEPDICY LYRIC WHILE MURDERING HIM WTF IS HAPPENING?? - fangloriousbastard SYKKUNO NO BBY IM SO WORRIED - fangloriousbastard Y/N IM BEGGING U TO STOP SAYING CORPSE LYRICS BEFORE U KILL UR FRIENDS - fangloriousbastard WAIT WHAT Y/N AND SYKKUNO BOTH VOTING FOR THEMSELVES INSTEAD OF EACH OTHER - fangloriousbastard “ride or die guess im gonna die” y/N PLEASE U MET HIM YESTERDAY - fangloriousbastard y/n’s still listening to corpse’s music we love to see it - fangloriousbastard WAIT NO ZE KILLED SYKKUNO IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEY WON OMG SO MUCH IS HAPPENING DID THESE MOTHERFUCKERS QUOTE AN ACTUAL THE OFFICE MEME AT EACH OTHER - fangloriousbastard Y/N: YOU KILLED MY BOY Ze: you’ve known him A Day! Y/N: you don’t have all the facts Ze: which are? Y/N: I love him. Y/N: Not in a weird, shippy way tho, but like, come on, man, look at him! Sykkuno’s avatar: 🌱 👁👄👁 Sykkuno irl: 🥰 - fangloriousbastard ahem anyways corpse & y/n collab when? - y/n 🔪❤️ - fangloriousbastard 👁👄👁 - fangloriousbastard aren’t you supposed to be streaming?? [tagged: #HEWWO??? #among us lb #why do i only remember they’re following me when i post outrageously stupid content #btw y/n if u kill sean again i’ll cry] [43 notes] [▶️🗩↪️❤️]

fyahproof-y/n ↪️ selkiey/n selkiey/n y/n’s explicit ‘i love him but not in a weird shippy way’ is the LOUDEST fandom vague i’ve ever heard in my life [286 notes] [▶️🗩↪️❤️]

crpshsbnd ↪️ 221b-theres-a-bee crpshsbnd hope corpse is feeling okay he’s been kinda quiet this stream - 221b-theres-a-bee if someone suggested i make music with a grammy award winning artist i might be kind of quiet too - crpshsbnd asjdskldfjkdsf u right, still, hope that’s the reason. [tagged: #how do i always forget they won a grammy #actually i know why i keep forgetting #because every time i remember they won a grammy i remember the video where they jousted corndogs with joe sugg #and the winner had to deepthroat theirs for the camera #and y/n won but felt like an asshole for making joe deepthroat his corndog alone #and they ended up almost throwing up because they went too far with it #so hot #so talented #so very stupid sometimes] [3 notes] [▶️🗩↪️🖤]

Twitter is kind of a hellscape, Corpse decides, scrolling through his notifications as the stream’s winding down, seeing about a thousand different people tagging both you and him, asking for a collab, or seeing fit to show you both every single time one of you had mentioned the other in stream. Or had simply interacted. He’s not quite sure how to feel about hearing you mutter ‘make it rain, leave her wet, like a snowflake’. Unsurprisingly, a considerable few people had thought to clip the interaction where he’d apparently instinctively known you were talking to him, which he thoroughly regrets. There’s enough speculation about him online already, he doesn’t need people cluing into the fact that he might not be entirely human as well.

So now, he’s sitting idle in the lobby of the game as everyone’s thanking each other, discussing when they might get together to stream again; he’s quiet, disconnected from it all even though he knows he’s still live, he can’t help but stare at his phone, frown at your Twitter profile. You’re not following each other. A lot of his friends follow you, are mutuals with you, but you and he are not following each other, and he’s not sure if he’d like to change that. But it would make sense, right? It’s what’s expected.

Your pinned tweet is the single you released yesterday, which he still hasn’t listened to. The cover is cute; you’re - fuck. He refreshes the page. In the few moments since he’d clicked on your profile and now, you’d tweeted, thanking everyone for joining the stream, while you’re still in his ear, alongside everyone else, distinctly not addressing him. Maybe he should DM you, be upfront, ask about what you are, if his suspicions are true.

He hits the back button and goes back to scrolling through his mentions.

“Hey.” Your voice, soft and earnest despite that warmth that crackles through him; he’s half distracted, hand moving instinctively to push-to-talk, and -

“Yeah?” God fucking damn it. Not again. He’s really gotta stop answering on instinct just because he knows you’re talking to him. He hates that he knows.

“Good to meet you, Corpse,” and there was a strange sincerity in your voice, and he responds in kind, but his heart’s not in it. There’s too much on his mind, too conflicted in his heart to tell the truth; his own words makes his ears ring. He can’t even lie to himself.

So he says his goodbyes, waits for the lobby to clear out and chatters away to his stream about when he might be on next. Upon ending the stream, he immediately opens the latest email from his producer, his latest project glaring back at him from the screen.

Yes, his various ailments have his body aching, but the interactions he’s had with you are giving him a headache when he thinks too hard about them, and he feels woefully unproductive. Never Satisfied stares back at him, so close to being finished, mocking him. Scowling harder, he listens to what he has so far, making tweaks and notes, glad for the distraction, glad that his producer had as chaotic of a sleep schedule as he did. This was the home stretch; one more all-nighter and it would finally be done.

He texts Heartful that he’s getting to work.

It’s four in the morning when he finally stops for a break, his good eye starting to itch from staring at a screen for so long. With a yawn, he leans forward, out of his chair, groaning as he straightens up to a mostly standing position. Hands braced against the edge of his desk, he lets out a resigned sigh and wills his wings into existence. The weight of them curled up tight against his back, as was customary for them to be when non-corporeal, has him leaning a little further forward. Another yawn and he lets them uncurl, lets them stretch out behind him, knocking over an empty microphone stand as they went. He’d get that later. A grateful groan escapes him, it’s been far too long since he’d even had a half-assed stretch like this, wings helping to stretch all the aching muscles in his back that were simply impossible to stretch otherwise, no matter how much he’d twist. Even so, his studio wasn’t big enough to properly stretch them, and he really didn’t feel like laying on his living room floor right now; he’s kind of concerned he’d just fall asleep there. Instead, he kicks his chair to the side and hits shuffle on one of his Spotify playlists, doing what he can for himself in the limited space, and finally going to forage through his cupboards for something resembling a meal. Maybe drink water, Rae’s damn voice in his head.

At least with his wings around he didn’t need to bother turning on any lights; he’s gotta find joy in the little things.

Today, or well, the past twenty-four hours, was a series of cruel jokes, he decides, all leading to the moment he curls up his wings and sits back down at his desk. The moment he puts his headphones back on, he’s greeted by your voice, and he almost jumps a foot in the air, concerned that you’d called him.

"- who I became, dreading when the music stops, what if I just fade away?” In the split second he’s realised that it was just a song, just your voice, crooning, gentle and sad against a soft beat and the sound of rain, as i’m going through some stuff playing in his ears, it’s too late. Already his aura had gone off, and his computer cuts out, as his monitor cuts to darkness, so suddenly all he can see is his own, exhausted reflection in the monitor, backlit by his own wings... Not exactly flattering.

Thankfully, it was only his computer that was affected, as he can still hear his refrigerator humming in the other room, so he wedges himself beneath his desk to reset the breaker for the power board that his whole system was connected to, grumbling to himself the whole time.

If he was being honest, however, he was glad he didn’t have to hear more than a few seconds of your song. For a long time it had been one of his favourites, though at this point he’d rather die than admit that. Yes, it’s a good song, but it’s the last thing he needs to hear right now. If he listened to you voice half the fears he still tried to ignore, well right now it may kill him, and he was so close to being finished with Never Satisfied. So close.

Instead, he gives himself the moment in which his system is rebooting to scroll through Twitter and Instagram on his phone, checking his mentions for good fanart to appreciate, only to stumble across one of your stan accounts tagging both you and him in a clip that he hadn’t seen earlier. He’s not sure what possesses him to click it.

“Don’t follow me baby, swear I’m going to hell,” Corpse’s own words leave your lips as you’re focused on the game, on being imposter, leading Sykkuno into electrical to fix lights, and something about it sounds wrong and he can’t quite put his finger on it. He’d heard other lines of his leave your mouth, clips from the stream he’d been tagged in, and it always manages to surprise him. When you sing his songs, even just a little bit, something in the back of his mind, something that had appreciated you as an artist all this time, it’s grateful, it’s excited, it’s overwhelmed. He wouldn’t deny that part of himself, he couldn’t, it didn’t feel right, but upon hearing this line, that grateful part was overshadowed by a visceral bitterness.

The line had been a moment of self deprecation, the only Angel he knew of who, granted it was by some of his own choices, was almost certainly going to Hell, if you believe in that sort of thing of course. But you? Every single part of you seemed to be the exact antithesis to him; you’re what an Angel should be, and him? Well, the line said it all really. It’s just... it feels like you’re mocking him at every turn now that he knows, or well, strongly suspects. With evidence. Which you’re probably not; if you’re an Angel, you wouldn’t go out of your way to mock another angel, so now he’s all in his head, frustrated at himself for being frustrated at you for just... liking his song?

He really should message you about earlier, clear things up, get out of his own mind and stop jumping to conclusions. Finding another angel was big, no matter his personal reservations, he should try and take this opportunity, right? Except that you hadn’t reached out to him either.

Damn it; he knows he needs to stop thinking about you and focus on his own shit. He turns off his phone and gently tosses it to the floor, out of sight out of mind.

Maybe he’ll feel better when he finishes his song, feel more productive, feel... complete for just a few moments. Maybe he’d stop comparing himself to you. Maybe.

[ID: Two tweets, one from @sp00kybihh, and one from @yourtwitter, followed by a retweet and reply conversation between @ashton5sos, @yourtwitter, and @y/nirwin.

@sp00kybihh: why did y/n’s smile every time corpse just knew they were talking to him without them having to say anythign make me feel things?? u no we love day 1 ride-or-die y/nkunno, but corpse & y/n just seem to get each other wtf 🥺🥺

@yourtwitter: australians are asleep post forbidden youngblood cover

(Thumbnail of Y/N sitting in front of the camera, dressed casually, visible from the chest up. There is a black microphone on a stand in front of them that they’re holding. Their mouth is open, as if halfway through singing, their eyes are closed, their background is a simple, white wall. Above Y/N, in black, VCR font, is the word ‘youngblood’. There is a large play button in blue and white in the middle of the thumbnail, to indicate that it is a link to a video.

Link: youngblood - 5 seconds of summer | y/n y/l/n cover i miss my boys. i miss people. thank you 5sos for being cool about me covering this <3</i> twitter: @yourtwitter 🔗youtube.com)

@ashton5sos retweeted the link and commented: Y/N you said it was gonna be low effort, this is killer! All it’s missing is some drums. Reminds me, I’m still sad we never got to record that thing we wrote in New York. | @yourtwitter: ASHTON IT IS 8AM I HAVE HAD NO SLEEP AND WAS NOT EXPECTING SUCH A QUICK RESPONSE I WOULD DIE FOR YOU | @yourtwitter: also lmfao i forgot about that ny thing that was good, from what i remember. do u still have that recording of us?? i may or may not have forgotten everything about that night apart from it being a blast #bringbacknewyork | @ashton5sos: Calum has it but also its 2am and he’s asleep, which you should also do. You know the boys are gonna love this... #bringbacknewyork | @y/nirwin: thank u both i have decided to pass away effective immediately #bringbacknewyork

End ID.]

#corpse #corpse husband #corpse husband imagine #corpse imagine #corpse x reader #corpse husband x reader #sykkuno #jacksepticeye #valkyrae #how the light gets in #shut ur pretty mouth #cyltlanp

305 notes · View notes

nightbts · 4 years

Text

through the night | jjk | 06

pairing: jeon jungkook + stylist! reader

word count: 6.2k

genre: fluff, angst + idol! au, friends to lovers! au

parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

listen to this playlist while reading!

best of friends. that’s what you and jungkook were. as their stylist for several years now, you and jungkook got along like no other and over time developed a friendship that was special to the two of you. but what happens when an IU collaboration deal, a jealous childhood-best friend and secret feelings get intertwined with the simple life you thought you were living?

“Y/N? Y/N!” a voice called out as you looked up, startled to see a hand waving about in your face.

“I said your name a million times sweetie, come on we gotta go!” Stylist Yoon tsked as she ushered you towards the luggage filled with members’ clothes, accessories, and makeup before walking away and muttering something about kids these days.

“R-right!” you squeaked as you quickly scrambled from the chair you were sitting in. Grabbing all your things and cursing at yourself under your breath, you ran out the door as you tried to catch up to the other stylists.

You honestly couldn’t help it. Your mind was consumed by one and one thing only: Jeon Jungkook. Even though it had been weeks since the night at the dance studio, the memory had been permanently imprinted on the forefront of your thoughts, refusing to leave. And anytime you even looked at Jungkook, you were reminded of them instantly: the way he held you gently in his arms, how his nose brushed against yours, and his lips that were just millimeters away—

“Get yourself together Y/N!” you groaned to yourself as you shook your head.

“What happened now?”

Looking behind you, Jiho stood there with a raised brow as you instantly flushed knowing he had heard you.

“N-nothing!” you squeaked in response before hurriedly moving past him, as Jiho simply stared at you suspiciously.

Neither you or Jungkook had brought up that night, to each other or anyone else. But as the days went by, you couldn’t help but feel something had changed. Whether it was in the way you looked at each other, or didn’t more specifically, or how the both of you watched your words and your actions more carefully, things weren’t the same anymore.

“Anyone would be able to tell that nothing was something.” he chuckled softly to himself, as he watched you stumble over your things before flashing him a sheepish grin.

“Come on ya clutz,” he laughed as he approached you, helping you carry some of your belongings as the two of you rushed out the door, trailing behind the other stylists as you waited to get into the bus.

Today was the last day of the boys’ international tour, and the final destination was in Seoul. While they were all relieved to finally be back home, there was still a sense of anxiousness to put on a final great performance, an amazing finish to their amazing tour.

Once you had put away all your things, you followed Jiho all the way to the back of the bus. Moving out of the way, he motioned for you to take the window seat, giving you a knowing smile.

Smiling widely at him for remembering, you sang a small thank you as you settled into the seat, while Jiho plopped himself down beside you. Letting out a soft yawn, you stretched in your seat before falling back with a sigh, “This is it, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

Turning to look at him, you said with a small shrug, “Last concert.”

Rolling his eyes, Jiho replied, “You’re making it sound like it's their last concert forever. It’s just the end of their tour Y/N.”

Waving your hand dismissively in the air, you said, “Yea, yea I know. I’m just saying, our lives were super hectic the last couple months and now it's going to be the complete opposite for a while. Just when I got used to the chaos...”

Humming in agreement, Jiho rested his back against the seat before saying, “I suppose you’re right about that. It’s okay though, we all need a bit of downtime before things start picking up again.”

A couple seconds of silence passed over the two of you when you felt Jiho’s gaze lingering on you, causing you to turn back to look at him, “What are you looking at—?”

“You’re wearing my jacket.”

Blinking in complete surprise, you stared at him before looking down at the jacket you had been wearing. This morning you had been getting ready in such a rush you had barely noticed the jacket you had grabbed wasn’t yours, but the one Jiho had leant you a couple days back.

“Oh! Huh, you’re right...” you trailed off with an awkward chuckle, your face flushing with embarrassment. Pulling at the sleeves of the jacket, you started, “Here, I forgot to give it back—”

“No,” you heard him say softly, his hands pressing down on your own. Eyes slowly meeting yours, Jiho gave you a gentle smile before adding, “It looks good on you. Keep it.”

“Jiho—”

“I mean it. It’s yours now,” he said firmly, his grip on your hands tightening.

Nodding slowly, your gaze lingered on him as he turned back to face the front.

Odd, you thought to yourself before shaking your head of the thoughts that attempted to enter your consciousness, silly thoughts that you knew where impossible—

“You never told me how you got home that day.” Jiho said, interrupting your thoughts.

“Huh?” you blinked dumbfoundedly, before his question registered in his head. Recalling how the moment you stepped foot into your apartment and how your exhausted body fell into bed, you remembered that you sent a quick text to Jiho before letting sleep consume you, your dreams that night filled with the heart-racing moments you had spent with Jungkook just hours earlier.

The corner of your mouth twitched as a shy smile erupted on your face. Averting your gaze, your fingers began playing with the sleeves of Jiho’s jacket before you started to ramble, the pitch of your voice heightening with every word, “Well um, when I went back, thing was, Jungkook was still there so we both left together after a while. He got a taxi for us and he dropped me off at my place.”

"Oh, I see,” Jiho said tightly, lips pressing together. Even though you were looking away from him, he could see the way your cheeks flushed under the soft light that streamed through the window beside you. Jiho had a feeling something had happened, but his heart told him he was better off not asking.

After all, knowing would only hurt more.

“Sorry!”

“No, I’m sorry!”

Speaking at the same time, you and Jungkook looked at each other with wide eyes.

Gripping the folders tightly in your hands, you quickly bent down to pick up the papers that had fallen out when you had abruptly crashed into Jungkook. Following suit, Jungkook bent down to help you when suddenly you felt a brush of his fingers against your own, the both of you reaching for the last sheet that lay between the two of you.

What kind of cliche-ass shit it this?! your brain screamed as you quickly grabbed the sheet towards you, and got back on your feet. Giving Jungkook a quick goodbye, you quickly walked into the stylists’ room that was only a couple feet away.

Closing the door, you pressed your hands to your warm cheeks as you felt your heart race in your chest.

On the other side of the door, Jungkook stood there staring at his fingers, a slight tingling sensation filling his stomach as he turned and looked towards the room you had escaped to.

“Is Jimin alright?”

“He just needs a couple minutes, everyone else get ready!”

“Yoongi, over here please!”

Commands were thrown left and right as voices overlapped with each other. As the members came backstage after performing a couple songs, they were preparing for a costume change and getting ready for their next set.

As you ran around, various costumes and accessories in your hand, you stopped by each group of stylists and handed them their needed items. Finally, you made your way to Jimin who you had been mostly helping that day.

Resting a soft hand on his shoulder, you watched as he took in another deep breath before rolling his shoulders and stretching his neck side to side.

“You gonna be alright Jimin?” you asked gently.

Giving you a quick nod, he motioned for you to hand him his new outfit but not before giving you a reassuring smile, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay.”

Watching as he disappeared behind the changing curtains, you looked around to see if anyone needed any additional help when your eyes fell on Jungkook. Stifling a laugh, you watched as he struggled with his earpiece that found a way to get tangled with his earrings.

Walking over to him without a second thought, your hands reached out towards his as Jungkook paused, his eyes widening at your sudden appearance.

“I told you a million times if you're going to change your accessories to take out your earpiece you dumbass,” you mused with a shake of your head. Inching forward, you grabbed the wire of his earpiece with one hand, and his earring with the other, quickly untangling them.

“There.” you murmured before turning your head to look at him, a wide grin on your face. However, the moment you did, you felt your nose softly brush his cheek, the smile on your face instantly dropping.

Blinking in surprise, you nearly launched yourself off of him as he gave you a wide-eyed look in response. Pointing towards his ears, you stammered, “T-There, that should be good now.”

“Y-yea, thanks.” Jungkook stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Hearing someone call his name, Jungkook gave you a quick smile before running in the direction of the sound. Watching as he disappeared through the crowd of people who were rushing about backstage, you let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding.

As a couple of weeks passed, each day slowly became better as both you and Jungkook started going back to normal. While the awkward moments appeared now and then, neither you and Jungkook talked about them and just went on with your lives as if they never happened.

Work today for most of you finished early, including the boys’ practice sessions. As you were packing up for the day, you heard Jungkook call your name as he popped his head into the doorway, his eyes twinkling with excitement.

“The variety show episode I filmed is airing in a couple minutes, do you wanna come watch with the rest of us?” he asked, his voice laced with excitement.

Glancing at the time on your phone, you looked back up at Jungkook who was gazing at you with expectant eyes.

Smiling, you said, “Yea, I’ll be there.” before adding with a smirk, “After all, I don’t wanna miss you seeing your ass get whooped anyway.”

Rolling his eyes in amusement, he simply stuck his tongue out at you before flashing you a wide grin, “See you in the lounge room then!”

As he disappeared from the doorway, you turned back around to quickly finish cleaning up your station, a certain feeling of giddy excitement rising within you.

Walking in alongside Jiho, who you had grabbed as he was planning to leave, the both of you entered the lounge room to already see all the members there along with some of the producers and other stylists.

“I see there’s a whole watch party here.” Jiho chuckled lightly as he stood next to you, the both of you scanning the room for a spot to sit.

Just then, you saw Jungkook waving his hand at you, motioning for you to come sit by him. As you made your way towards him, Jungkook’s gaze fell behind you and his hand faltered mid-air, his eyes widening in slight surprise.

Giving Jiho a small nod, Jungkook forced a smile as he greeted him. Feeling the sofa dip beside him, he turned to see you giving him a soft smile, one that made the corners of your eyes crinkle into the shape of half-crescent moons.

“I didn’t realize all these people would be here,” you said in a hushed whisper as you looked around the room, giving small waves to your fellow stylists.

Sitting beneath you on the floor, Jiho replied nonchalantly, “Yea, I’m only here cause Y/N dragged me.” to which earned him a smack on the head from you. Rubbing his head sheepishly, he grinned at Jungkook, “No offense bud, I was just ready to go home today.”

“None taken.”

Just as you were about to say something, you heard Hoseok start shushing everyone, as he raised the volume, “It’s starting!”

Grinning in excitement, you turned to look at Jungkook who was staring at the TV screen nervously. Placing your hand on his arm, Jungkook turned to look at you as you gave him a reassuring pat. Almost instantly, Jungkook felt himself relax as he gave you a grateful smile in return.

Biting down on his lip, he sighed nervously. He hoped everything would go well.

You wish you hadn’t come.

Your gaze remained glued to the TV screen in front of you, not because you couldn’t stop watching but because you were afraid to look anywhere else.

As time passed, the voices surrounding you began to suffocate you; the voices that all teased Jungkook, that all gushed in excitement at every opportunity possible, the voices that kept uttering the same two words over and over again within the same sentence -- Jungkook & IU. Jungkook & IU. Jungkook & IU.

If you had known, you wouldn’t have been here.

It had been only 30 minutes since the show had begun, and the number of times you had seen or heard a comment regarding the two would be more than both your fingers and toes combined.

And once again came that feeling. The gut-wrenching, sinking feeling that erupted within the pit of your stomach.

“Alright, Jungkook-ssi! Why don’t you go stand by IU?”

“Wow, look at how good-looking they are together!!” gushed the female TV host, as she clutched her chest and sighed, “So beautiful!”

“IU-ssi, now do you prefer dating older or younger men? Cause if younger, you have an amazing one sitting right beside you!” The male TV host grinned cheekily, wiggling his eyebrows at Jungkook.

“Jungkook-ssi? We all know what an amazing singer you are. Why don’t you serenade your ideal type, IU with a song?”

You sat there, fists clenched in your lap as you watched Jungkook on the TV flush, a soft red dusting his cheeks as he smiled shyly towards IU who equally looked flustered, a nervous chuckle spilling past her lips.

The other guests on the show all began cheering Jungkook on, pushing him towards IU while one of the hosts shoved a rose in his hand. Giving IU an embarrassed smile, you saw him lift his microphone and begin singing one of her songs, Through The Night.

“Jungkookie! Did you prepare this huh?!” you heard Taehyung tease as he playfully nudged the boy next to him who simply returned a shy smile.

But all you could hear was his voice; his soft, gentle voice that would usually make your heart flutter, but today, made it ache. Your eyes remained glued to Jungkook’s face on the screen. The way his eyes softened. The way his lips formed a nervous smile. The way his body naturally moved towards her. No hesitation in his movements whatsoever as he grabbed IU’s hands in his.

The room erupted in exclamation as they watched Jungkook make his bold moves towards IU. As the rest of the members began to pile on more teasing words, many of them tackling Jungkook, ruffling his hair playfully you started to hear him nervously laugh in response as he shook his head, “Guys, calm down. It’s just a shooting. It’s not a big deal—”

“When was the shooting?”

The question spilled past your lips before you could stop yourself, but even then, the curiosity burned within you. You had to know.

Turning to look at you in surprise, Jungkook cocked his head to the side, thinking, before finally responding, “It was about two weeks ago.”

“Ah.” you nodded casually, turning back to look at the TV. But on the inside, you felt everything slowly fall apart. Your hands began trembling in your lap as you clenched them tightly, hoping nobody would notice around you. Biting down on your lip harshly, a metallic taste flooded your mouth as the pain caused tears well up in the corners of your eyes.

Two weeks ago.

Just three weeks ago, you were in Jungkook’s arms, your forehead against his as you could still remember the way his warm breath fanned your flushed face. The way his eyes softened as they looked down at you, his nose that brushed yours as his grip tightened on your waist, time slowing down. Just the two of you. Alone.

A moment.

A moment where you felt like you had the entire world in your hands. Where you felt like you could spill all your inner thoughts and feelings. Where you felt like you could tell Jungkook you loved hi—

Scoffing aloud, you softly shook your head when you felt a certain wetness wash over your cheeks. Eyes darting to make sure nobody saw you, you quickly swiped the back of your hand against your cheeks, sniffling softly.

Could you get any more pathetic, really?

After years of falling for the boy who now sat obliviously next to you, whose eyes were filled with adoration as he smiled softly at the TV that graced IU’s face, you felt like the world’s biggest joke. You had held that night so close to your heart, every second, every motion, every breath as something to hope for. But now you knew.

You were the only one.

As the show came to an end, you saw everyone talking to one another, about the show, about ordering food and other things. Slipping your purse around your body, you slowly got up from the couch and made your way towards the door, hoping to get away before anyone noticed.

A foolish hope that was.

Feeling a hand grab your wrist, you turned around in surprise. Looking up, you saw Jungkook grinning down at you when you suddenly jerked your hand from his hold. The smile on his lips instantly died, his brows furrowing together as his once-bright eyes were now clouded with confusion.

“Y/N—?”

“I-I have to go—!” you spluttered out, averting your gaze. Feeling a hand rest on your shoulder, you turned to look at your side where Jiho stood.

Lips forming a tight line, he looked at Jungkook before saying, “We’ll be going now. You should be getting back to your members, Jungkook.” he added pointedly, motioning towards the rest of the boys who were all now calling Jungkook’s name.

Looking back at you, Jungkook’s lips parted to say something else but Jiho bid farewell at the younger man before softly pushing your back towards the door.

The walk to the bus station was relatively silent. Neither you nor Jiho talked about what had happened just mere minutes ago. As you got settled into your seat on the bus, with Jiho sitting beside you, you felt your phone buzz in your pocket.

Taking it out, your eyes fell on the home screen, messages lighting up the screen.

[9:26] jungkookie: hey.... are you okay?

You had tried so hard.

The entire night, you had tried so hard.

But as you stared at his name on your screen, your iPhone suddenly lighting up to show the picture you and Jungkook took years ago filling your screen, you couldn’t try anymore.

As your head fell to your hands, your shoulders began to shake, silent sobs racking through your small stature; floods of tears gushed down your cheeks as you felt your chest tighten, every second getting harder for you breathe.

Feeling an arm pull you into their chest, you only cried harder as Jiho wrapped you closer to him, his head resting atop yours.

It was like a flip switched within you.

While you continued to remain as normal as possible, it would take a fool to not notice how much you had changed.

While you always worked hard, you worked harder now. You ran around the building, taking on assignment after assignment, meeting with different stylists, and calling different brand companies with your proposals that you had worked on endless nights in a row.

You had always been known as one of the “quiet and shy” one, but now you were anything but that. You made sure to eat with others, happily engaging in their conversations. You often went to drink after work was over, tagging along with fellow colleagues.

But on top of everything else, while you were always found somewhere around Jungkook, now the two of you were rarely seen together.

All your life, you had let in people. One after the other. People who had said they were your friends. People who had said they cared for you. People who had said they loved you.

But in the end, they all left. They simply stopped talking to you. They ended up avoiding you. Some ended up cheating on you. And as every single one of those people you let in left you, it furthered the crack in your heart, each and every single time.

And you didn’t know if your heart was well enough to handle it once again.

As you’d hurriedly brush past the members, head ducking down to avoid Jungkook’s worried gaze. As you’d walk the longer way to certain places in hopes of avoiding Jungkook. As you’d stutter out incoherent, meaningless words to him when he would ask if you were okay, you would think to yourself, again and again.

You’re acting ridiculous, Y/N...

But you couldn’t help it. You knew Jungkook wasn’t going to leave you, no, he’d never do that. He would be your friend, always.

And that is the very reason why you were acting the way you were now.

Knowing how it feels to be near him, to hold him, to touch him. Knowing the happiness that bursts like a thousand fireworks within your heart when he gives you his soft smiles, cheers you on, pats your head, pokes your cheek, hugs you, and tells you that you’re amazing, you just knew; your heart couldn’t handle just being friends anymore.

It was selfish of you, incredibly selfish. You could see the way he was hurting, and it pained you more than anyone knew. However, after being selfless all your life with every single person in your life, you realized that in the end, nobody cared about the sacrifices you had to make, the emotional turmoil you had endured, the mental pressures, none of it. And for the first time, you decided to be selfish, you took a decision that was for you and not someone else.

But as you took off your makeup at the end of the every day, washed your face, brushed your teeth and got into bed, and as the tears streamed down your face once again, you couldn’t help but think, why did being selfish hurt even more?

Head hung between his legs, he lifted it up and ran his hands through his hair as he let out a cry of frustration, the sound echoing in the empty dance room. He grabbed his phone that laid next to him, the time reading 5:45 PM. Unlocking his phone, he opened iMessages to see the several unread messages, some from the members’ group chat and others from his friends and family.

Scrolling down, his fingers hovered over your name as his eyes fell upon the date he had last texted you.

It was over a week ago when Jungkook had texted you asking if you had been alright; remembering the way you rushed out of the room after watching the show, Jungkook felt confused at the way you had looked at him.

A flash of pain and sadness had washed over your face, your cheeks stained with tears that Jungkook had noticed almost instantly. Yet before he could make sure you were okay, Jiho had whisked you away.

His jaw clenched slightly at the thought of the older man; at that moment, he wanted to grab your hand, pull you to a quiet corner and hold you in his arms as he’d ask you what was wrong. But the chance never came, and now it had all seemed too late.

On top of you avoiding him like the plague, it seemed like things had suddenly gotten a million times busier in every single aspect of his life. Album planning, new choreographies, photoshoots, brand deals, and more swarmed his daily schedule and whenever he had a break, you were nowhere to be seen.

And just like that, an entire week passed by with Jungkook not able to see you properly or talk to you, and he absolutely hated it. Yet what he hated more was not knowing whether you were okay or not.

As he got up from where he was sitting, he let out a small yawn before stretching out his limbs when he heard the familiar sound of faint laughter coming from outside the room.

Eyes lighting up, Jungkook grabbed his things in a flash before sprinting out the door; eyes darting side to side, he looked down the hallway for your figure.

“Y/N?” he called out earnestly, the hope in his heart slowly starting to deflate when suddenly he saw your head poke out of the nearby office room.

“Yes—?!” you started, as you looked outside the room in curiosity at who called your name. Turning around, your gaze fell upon Jungkook who stood outside the dance studio, beads of sweat dripping from the tips of his hair as he stared at you.

“Hey.” he breathed.

“Hi.” you smiled tightly, as your heart started to race in your chest, yet this time not for the same reasons.

“I thought I heard you—” Jungkook started with a soft chuckle when you quickly interrupted, “Did you need something? I-Uh, there’s somewhere I need to urgently be.”

Slightly taken aback, Jungkook slowly shook his head, “No, but I—”

“Y/N, let’s go,” a voice called. Coming up from behind you, Jiho grabbed the folders you were holding in your hand before walking through the door and into the hallway. Not even sparing Jungkook a glance, Jiho only looked at you before motioning for you to follow him.

Jungkook’s expression immediately hardened, jaw clenching as his fists tightened at his sides. He didn’t know what came over him in that instant, but within seconds he was standing by your side, his hands grabbing yours within his.

“I need to talk to Y/N.” he stated with firm persistence. You looked up at Jungkook in surprise, his grip on your hand only tightening as his gaze remained on Jiho’s back. Turning around, Jiho’s eyes fell on both of your hands before trailing up to Jungkook’s face.

"Sorry Jungkook, but we’re busy. Y/N doesn’t have time.” Jiho stated, forcing a smile.

“Listen, it’ll only take five minutes—!”

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Jiho’s entire demeanor changed instantly before he said lowly, “No, you listen Jungkook—”

Removing your hands from his grasp, Jungkook looked down at you as you moved away from him and towards Jiho. Resting a hand on his arm, stopping him from saying anything you knew he’d regret, you quietly said, “Jungkook, Jiho is right. I’m busy right now.”

Scoffing, Jungkook looked to the side as his eyes blazed with irritation, “Whatever Y/N. Avoid me like you have been doing all week. Just don’t think you’re fooling me, I’m not that stupid.”

With that, Jungkook turned around and made his way back into the dance room, the door slamming behind him as the sounds of loud music followed just seconds later.

Gripping Jiho’s arm tightly, you felt a lump form in your throat as you let out a heavy sigh, “Jiho, what am I going to do?”

Turning around to face you, he bent down so that his face was level with your own. Brushing away the stray tear that slipped out of your eyes, he whispered sadly, “I’m sorry Y/N...”

Shaking your head, you cried softly, “What for? You didn’t do anything...this is all my fault.”

No, he thought to himself, I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the one for you.

You thought things would only get easier as the days went by; slowly but surely, ignoring Jungkook would become normal and you’d be fine.

At least that’s what you had painfully hoped for.

But now things were worse in ways you hadn’t even imagined. After the day Jungkook confronted you, he had made it a point to ignore you even more so than the ways you had avoided him. He refused to talk to you at all. Whether it was when you were helping style him for an event or if you saw him in the hallway, before there used to be at least small talk or some acknowledgement but now, there was nothing.

You thought you were doing this for yourself, but your selfish wishes started to bite you back. You felt absolutely helpless, no matter what you did, nothing seemed to work.

Standing there in the staff break room, you yawned as you made yourself another cup of coffee. It was late at night, yet you stayed behind since you were working on a project proposal you knew you couldn’t do at home.

Hearing the door open behind you, you turned around and greeted Jiho with a tired smile, “Hey, you’re still here?”

“I should be asking you that.”

“We seem to be doing a lot of that recently,” you chuckled softly, turning back towards the coffee machine, watching as the dark liquid poured into your mug, the mechanical whirring the only sound filling the small room.

Walking over to stand next to you, he replied, “It’s only cause you’re always working yourself to the bone, even more so lately than ever.”

Giving him a half shrug, you poured in your creamer and sugar, and stirred your coffee, “Work is just getting busier, that’s all.”

Laughing slightly, Jiho gave you a pointed look, “Or you’re just giving yourself more work to do.”

Humming softly, you didn’t respond since the both of you knew Jiho was exactly right. Work hadn’t gotten busier, you were just really good at making yourself busy.

“Y/N...” Jiho trailed off. Noticing the hesitation in his voice, you stopped stirring and looked up at him.

“When are we going to talk about it?”

Stiffening, you looked at Jiho in surprise. Blinking at him, you slowly chuckled as you started to wave your hands in denial, your typical first step of action when anything uncomfortable was presented to you.

“And don’t tell me nothing is wrong.”

He got you.

You tended to forget how long Jiho knew you for at times, failing to realize he knew your characteristics and mannerisms like the back of his hand.

Picking up your coffee mug, you took a sip as the hot liquid ran down your throat. Pressing your lips together into a thin line, you simply sighed, “Jiho, I think I’m going to quit. Working here, that is.”

Taken aback, a look of surprise flashed across Jiho’s face, his eyes wide. If anyone knew what you were going through right now, it was him yet he didn’t think you would ever come to a decision like this. A decision where you decided to run away.

Fists automatically clenching at his sides, Jiho felt a deep sense of anger begin to boil within him.

“Y/N, don’t joke around,” Jiho replied lowly, as he stared at you, trying to study the expression you wore on your face.

Shaking your head, you said softly, “I’m not. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about this for a while.” Turning around, you rested your back against the countertop, “All my life I’ve adjusted, no matter what the circumstances were. I’ve always been selfless, but this time I decided to be selfish for once.” Looking down at your shoes, you let out a bitter laugh, “Look where that got me.”

“But—”

“Jiho,” you interrupted. Looking back at him, your soft eyes met his rigid ones, “No matter what solution I can think of that requires me staying here, doesn’t seem to work for me. I never thought it would have to come to this, you know I love working here. But...with how things are recently, I don’t know if I can continue to work here and be happy.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

Taken aback at the coldness in his voice, you watched as Jiho ran his hands through his hair, before letting out a sigh of frustration, “You’re telling me you’re running away? You’re going to run away because of your silly crush on him?! Y/N do you hear yourself?!”

“Silly?!” you breathed in sharply. Your soft eyes turned cold instantly as you shot him a glare, “How could you say that Jiho?!!”

Throwing his hands in the air, he bit back, a scowl forming on his face, “What do you want me to say Y/N? Listen, I have been there by your side since we were kids and I’ve always supported you no matter what, but this?! Quitting your job because of the guy you like?”

“Jiho, I don’t care whether you support me or not. I’m telling you what I’m going to do and that’s it. I’m done trying to live my life because of other people, alright? I’m done!” you yelled, your chest rising with every breath as tears pricked the corners of your eyes.

“How could you tell me my feelings were silly?!” you cried, your voice shaking with every word, “You have no right Jiho, not when you don’t know how I feel.”

Jiho stared at you for what seemed like too long, when he finally let out a harsh breath. Rubbing his temples, he spoke softly, “What makes you think I don’t know how you feel Y/N?”

Your brows knitted together in confusion as you stared at Jiho. His face contorted into an expression you had never seen on him before, a look mixed with years worth of hurt, despair and sadness all in one.

“Jiho, what—?”

“I know exactly how you feel Y/N, and I’ve been feeling it for years now—” suddenly faltering at the end, his face flushing, “I—Just, don’t tell me I don’t understand.”

You stood there silently as the tension grew between the two of you. Even without Jiho telling you word-for-word, the thoughts that you had subconsciously ignored all this time finally crept up from the depths of mind, the thoughts that you wished weren’t true, seemed to be otherwise. Glancing back at him, your gaze softened when you saw his head hanging low, his hands clasped together tightly in front of him, a habit you knew all too well.

“Jiho,” you started softly as you grabbed his hands within your own; however, Jiho didn’t miss the apologetic tone in your voice, as he quickly jerked his hands away.

“I don’t wanna hear an apology, Y/N. Anything but that.”

Sighing in exasperation, you pleaded, “Jiho, I-What do you want me to say? I-I don’t know what to tell you—”

“Why can’t it be me?”

Lips parted, the words faltered on your tongue as you watched Jiho finally looked up at you, his gaze suddenly different. You found him moving closer to you, causing you to inch further back, the countertop digging against your back.

“Jiho—”

“Tell me Y/N, why can’t it be me? When I have been here for you, all along.” he croaked as he rested his hands on either side of you, caging you between his arms as his forehead laid against yours, his face dangerously close.

You had been this close to Jiho a number of times, but never in this way, this time, things were completely different. Before you could say anything, Jiho dipped his head down and soon after you felt his lips hesitatingly brush yours before pressing harder, pushing you gently against the countertop and kissing you with more force than before.

As your mind fumbled around you, you stood there frozen when suddenly a voice in your head whispered a name so softly, a name that was enough for your hand to fly out and press down on Jiho’s shoulder, pushing him off of you in an instant.

Jiho gave you a dazed look, until he took in your face.

Surprised. Shocked. Startled.

Face contorting into pure horror, all the color drained out of his face as he spluttered, “Y/N, I—” when you shook your head softly, unable to even look him in the eye.

“I-I need to go, I—” you stammered. Squeezing out from between Jiho and the countertop, you rushed towards the door. However the second you opened it, you felt your heart go still, the world and everything in it coming to a full stop.

dun dun dunnnnnn

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