#and ‘I’ve been dealing with a lot of hard things and big life changes which she knows is really hard’

[lesbiansanemi]

I don’t often think I’m upset at not having a good relationship with my parents but sometimes it really fucking hits me that I don’t have a good mom I don’t have a dad I’ll never experience having a good parent and someone I can lean on like that and I get… really upset

[fakeoutbf]

.

[underfart-snas]

i’m going to preface this by saying this will be hard to read. for those who have had to deal with a lot of familial trauma, csa, and various other things really. you’re being warned now.

it is not anything fun, light, or happy.  i will not answer questions from anyone. i will not stop people from their comments or tags but i will not look at opinions or attempt to change them. good or bad, i’m too tired to change anyone’s minds or matters on the subject. while i am regretful and sorry for many things, i know this won’t change much.

i’m not looking for forgiveness. i'm looking for closure.

i will not argue on how i’m a good person, or how any behavior in the past was justifiable or right. it was wrong. i still fuck up to this day trying to be human. at this point, all i want is to speak up about what i had to go through and why things ended the way they did with hopefully a more clear sense of perspective as to why i made what i did. and then i would like to move on.

flowerfell ended in disaster from all sides. a story i, the friends i made along with it and worked deeply with during it all, held very dear for our own reasons. be it to express the hardship of survival, to cope with the progression of loss, or having hope in finding small things to live for and learning to find love in friendships, family or otherwise that we couldn’t have in life. it was a big story for everyone, and i understand not everyone got the message. people have not been kind. i’ve seen equal sides of good and bad come from it.

i won’t argue about the shipping aspects. people are right in believing i liked what i liked, and whether or not they hated that was up to them. i had my personal reasons and i never intended for it to be a malicious thing, but i understand people’s headstrong thoughts on the canons or otherwise. I didn't like to go out of my way to shove it in people's faces, which is why i scrapped later stories that were pressured to be frans related and instead made them into personal characters.

it’s fucked up seeing people get chased and hurt over fictional things. things that aren’t physically harming anyone, at least when they’re contained properly. things you shouldn’t be actively looking for if you don’t like it. things that people may actually be doing to cope with their own trauma. i watch so many people looking for hate, or reasons to be angry. i think that adds to much sadness overall. i can’t say much for those who don’t go about tagging things properly for those who don’t want to see things other than "please work on that."

when i played undertale, i lived vicariously through frisk as i played. they were quite frankly, a blank slate. i was able to self-insert in a way. due to story aspects, i felt the monsters were like... old old. like ancient beings that lived lives unfathomably long beyond the human lifespan. beyond the passage of time.

i fell in love with characters and aspects and ideas it gave. i fell in love with it’s world, the possibility of other worlds like it, and exciting wacky hijinks. i took interest in others making au's and thought about how i could make my own. what my own life lacked or couldn’t give me. the family and friends i found through it. 

toby really kicked everyone’s ass with this one, and i hope he does it again and again. and i pray he continues to succeed. because he made something beautiful.

now for what i had to deal with, during the failed attempt of making my story…

i have had to process a lot of neglect from family and home in recent years. though i’m older now, it still hurts. things still linger and sting harder than they should. they say it gets better but it really sticks and comes back in many ways that make life so much harder than it should be. it’s only made harder when people want you to be better, but it takes time to get there. sometimes people can't be with each other because of it, which is something i've had to learn over and over again. it takes so much time and it takes it away from everything you hope can be good and great in your life.

growing up was a nightmare. i’ve had to grow up with abandonment from my mom. neglect from my dad. i've had to deal with them trying to reach back out and my feelings on whether or not it's deserved. or if i'm even ready to handle it yet. many times i'm not.

i’ve had to deal with surgery to fix my body from disgusting and life ending deformation as a toddler which still leaves scars on my body today. my family has told me i’m lucky to even be alive. sometimes i almost wish it took me, because the world is cruel. but at the same time, i want to live so, so badly.

i’ve had to deal with manipulation and rape from someone almost ten years older than me in household when i was just a child. from five to nine. threats of being compliant and not to speak up or else my life was in danger. being physically trapped for hours while my body was a tool. later this fell onto another child of a caretaker for my sister, which is the only reason i got away from it. so i never got the chance to speak up myself and that effects me to this day. i was told years later this same thing happened to my older, severely autistic sister prior. someone who literally cannot verbally communicate or function without help from another. my grandmother telling me she left before because my father didn’t believe her. this all meaning, this is something that could have never happened.

i've had to handle my grandmother’s physical and verbal abuse for the rest of the those years after she came back to take care of my sister. my sister didn't escape abuse either. i would be stuck listening to her convince me as i got older and barely making it out of school that wouldn’t ever survive on my own. that i would never make it. that i would never find love. that i’d be eating fucking “saltines and ketchup” on the streets. i’ve had to deal with eating disorder because of her and various other disgusting shit i don’t want to add that the fear had made me succumb to. i didn’t leave my room for days at a time unless i was forced to. i didn’t sleep properly, to the point of passing out for minutes at a time. anyone who used to come to streams would know, i used to fall asleep while drawing with my brother. in many ways, my grandmother has made me so functionally stagnant, which is so hard to combat now.

cutting out all the general silliness and nonsense i would make just to smile once in a while, my art and flowerfell was an escape for me. it was a way to express my pain and hope that there was some sort of out. that there were friends to be made and love to be had. family to be found. that if you’re strong enough maybe you can be redeemable and make it to the end. frisk was hope. sans was strength. and all of the friends they were supposed to make along the way were support.

but at the same time, i clearly wasn’t able to handle the scale of what it became. i wasn’t ready for the crowd, i wasn’t ready to make a coherent and straight story, and was too giving and lenient. i wasn't ready for the "godlihood" people were pressing on me when i was just a normal person. it made making real friends a hassle. i didn't know who was honest or using me. many people have used me.

i was scared after it fell apart and got toxic. that people can take and twist and hate no matter how hard you try. i didn’t understand a lot of things back then or how to defend myself. i didn't understand how to combat theft, i didn't understand fiction kin, i didn't understand self care or boundaries for others and myself. i didn't understand a lot of things. i try really hard to understand now.

for all intents and purposes, it was getting septic. i was getting septic at that time and for some time after. and because of that i lost not only my story, but my friends and my sanity. i wasn’t able to keep it together for them or myself. i was hurt and hurting others by proxy. and i am so sorry for it. all of it.

i was only saved by finally being taken away from home by someone who actually took a chance on me. someone who made time for me even when i was getting reclusive. someone who loves me through all of that even if i hurt them terribly in the process, and may even still in all the faults i'm working on. despite everything, they're still with me today.

to this day i find flowerfell hard to look at without feeling various stages of grief. i have many degrees of anger and sadness, at times hopeless acceptance. not necessarily towards anyone anymore, but that i was unable to finish it. or felt i was unable to. that i'm unable to surpass it. that i was so fearful of loss and parts of myself being taken away when i already felt i had so little. how it blinded me to what good i had at so many times. how it’s destroyed my ability to create and fall in love with characters i like or make, and their worlds. no matter how hard i try now. that it’s taken my ability to trust, communicate, and form steady relationships with people. how it effects even those who have stayed and try so hard. that it’s taken my ability to share and feel safe doing so. even with people i'm close with today.

even situations on how helpful it’s been for people over the years, and deeper connections to self or others they’ve found in the progression of time because of it. i’m not unhappy for those who have, i’m grateful that people have found their hearts in it. it was made with unfathomable love and there’s incredible pain on having given up continuing what could have been more. what else people could have connected with or felt. there was so much i didn’t get to share, and got too angry and scared to give.

i grew to believe people didn’t deserve it anymore because of what i and my friends at the time were going through. i no longer wanted to feel hurt. i no longer wanted my friends to be hurt. and i violently took it away into myself, which has hurt me even more over the years.

i want to believe people would have liked the ending, and anything that would come after that. it was going to have a good ending.

later i would find the fear of parts being taken would be connected to discovering plurality in myself, and recently finding out in therapy i’m probably not too separated from my sister in being on the spectrum, adding to all of that and more. i’d have to process that feelings became separated and another struggle to deal with. that i was dissociating from everything so hard these feelings are expressed as their own apart from me, but still with me. that this was my way of not being alone with what i had. it is not a kind thing. while they're like family to me, it is also a cage.

it would take me years to actually discover what this was properly, having to go through a whole ordeal of manipulation and problems from that alone. i would have to deal with them also being stolen and taken advantage of due to complacency and misunderstanding. which has made every bit of fear with what came before twice as difficult. however, i've also had good people along the way, and i hope they stay with me for a very long time.

because of this i’ve learned a lot about systems and kinships and reasons why these exist. how these things can make people feel at home. i have changed a lot of views on it and how these things help people, even if they’re strange at times… i’m not mad about it anymore. if it helps people it helps people. other people are trying to survive too. i just ask people be respectful about it.

i don’t hate fanart or others trying to make stories anymore. as someone who struggles now with even a fraction of creating any amount of work i used to, i’m more glad than not that it’s encouraging people to improve and move forward. but i won’t ever accept discredit because at the root it is mine still. i made this for myself before i made it for others. it will always be a part of me, even if painful now.

i’m just tired. i’m tired and i hope over time i’ll be able to rest.

sigh.

to kaze, your document is faithful and i won’t argue that any of it is wrong or malicious. there was a lot missing from that video that could and should have been added. it wasn't just about shipping, but a lot more. i hope people will leave you and others alone about flowerfell and ship nonsense at the end of the day. especially when your stories were wonderful and aren’t hurting anyone. while we’re not on good terms, i do wish them a very "fuck off and move on."

however, i will not accept the statement that you were helpful to my mental health, or to others involved to begin with. trying to be, maybe, but it faltered.

apart from encouraging anger towards the fanbase either on my or by your own hands, flipping the switch between telling me to keep going and giving up. you fully took advantage of the complacency i had to go through at home to survive and had to unlearn for many years prior. you weaponized your problems at home onto us. this compiled everything, probably for both of us. this would only continue on to my system in many ways.

you actively encouraged suicidal behavior within the group, provoking my brother into a pact at his lowest. you took advantage of me and my brother mentally and sexually. knowing full well of our issues and my own csa, you still crossed lines. doing or sharing things without warning or prior consent and conversation, at times even within public groups. fighting back or saying something about these things were difficult because everyone was sensitive at the time. even if things were jokes at times, it didn't always come across that way.

i watched blind fight so hard for you in many ways even when they were struggling so badly with their own physical health, even staying in the end. i don't know if they're doing well or are still there now which is another string of worries.

what hurt the most is that for years you blamed me for an attempt because i “didn’t love you enough to talk to you or be honest” and held it over my head instead of explaining until the very last second before i left that it was because of home. you continued to comment in ways up until that point, then deleting things as if i couldn’t see logs. every single day i thought you were going to just be gone in an instant without warning. that i and others would lose one of our best friends. i grew so afraid of talking to you because of this. i was scared to hurt people more in anger of that. it is still something that terrifies me to this day.

flowerfell wasn’t the break of our friendship, it was the inability to handle the weight of taking care of someone who was unwilling to work on themself on top of all of that, while being unable to take care of myself at the same time. not being enough. that nothing of what little i could give would ever fix what was happening, and that i was being used as an escape method. much like my brother was. we weren’t good for each other anymore. and while i wanted to keep holding on, many people told me i had to let go and they were right. i'm sorry that it wasn't completely by my own voice that i let go.

i don’t even hate you anymore, if i even ever really did to begin with. the most i get is mad and i may say the word "hate" in anger, and that is entirely my own fault for checking in once in a while to see if you’re still breathing or getting better. because i cared a long fucking time and i think parts of me still do. i can’t say there weren’t fond memories or good times and i still have gifts i won’t throw away. and i won’t discredit that i do see you trying really hard for yourself now, which is a hopeful feeling and all i and others ever wanted. even if we may never speak directly again, because i don’t think that would be good for either of us, i hope it keeps going well.

but i don’t think you have the right to say i’m a bad person as if you weren’t just as bad yourself. you effected me and others just as badly.

we don't have to forgive each other. but i do hope, after a long time, we can forgive ourselves.

-

just a last little edit:

before you start congratulating someone who added to the entire severity of literally everything, understand this:

we were not driven by her or her alone. this is not her fucking win. this is the result of friends and good people saying we should speak up and needed to be heard for years. this is because we have support we actually feel safe with and finally decided we're fucking tired. we didn’t speak simply because she put out some silly little document. she only added to the fucking misery that everyone else has brought on about this! 

this is for ourselves!! thanks! and goodbye! - =D

[paradoxicalrising]

Astro Observations Pt. 2 !

**again just prefacing: im not a professional, these are my personal opinions based off my experience with these placements :) enjoy

Virgo Mercury @ 24 degrees: these people are the best at making passive aggressive comments. depending on the mars sign and where it’s placed they may come off as rude/ bitchy. such great liars. they will lie with a straight face about something stupid and right after break the facade and tell you they were lying. it’s so easy to believe them. deadpan, dry humor. i’ve seen that they laugh at intelligent, witty comments. i’ve also seen them be more interested in psychology, reading body language, and asking personal questions to strangers.

mercury square pluto, mercury rx, debilitated mercury: struggle with social anxiety and public speaking. the anxiety is very high when it comes to talking in front of an audience or even an authority figure. may physically shake while presenting, wavering voice, and losing breath bc they’re talking so fast.

moon square mars in men: tumultuous relationship with the mother. may cause problems in relationships with women, taking anger towards the mother out on the girlfriend/ wife. this placement has been seen in domestic violence situations. may actually be attracted to someone who acts and looks like their mother.

mars conjunct uranus: unpredictable, wild card. when really angry, they may explode. energy levels are rarely stable, they tend to fluctuate often. prone to cut people off out of nowhere once they’ve dealt with enough. may act/ speak before they think when they’re angry.

sun conjunct venus: it’s so hard not to like these people. they are full of charisma, and tend to be attractive. may be arrogant at times, and think they’re better than others physically. they’re easy to get along with but their niceness may be seen as fake/ superficial.

MC in scorpio: sexualized by the public. everyone has a crush on them but no one is brave enough to tell them. intimidating aura. this placement tends to dominate the public image. a lot of people are scared of them bc of their intelligence and beauty. powerhouse of a person when it comes to success. nothing will get in their way, resilience runs in their blood. hold a natural power and immediately demands respect with their tone of voice and body language. even if they’re insecure or in pain, they never show that to the public. gain a lot of unwanted attention. also seem to succeed at a low key rate until later in life when they finally get recognition.

4th house: truly the house of the darkest parts of yourself. if you wanna look for childhood trauma, look to the 4th house and any aspects made to other planets or houses in the chart. this is who we are when we’re alone. this is the house of our instincts, generational trauma on the mothers side or the more feminine parent, fears. it’s ruled by cancer which is ruled by the moon so it naturally has a light and dark side like every sign and planet. this is the house of where you feel you’re at home and depending on what you grew up with, one person could be happy with attention, stability, and honesty but another person could seek out unavailable people, they might self sabotage just to feel like they’re at home. the sense of home changes over time and it is capable of changing for the better but this is where i’d recommend you start with shadow work find the sign, house, aspects, and degree for more insight.

empty houses: i’ve noticed that with my empty houses, it’s almost like i just don’t think about those things, they don’t concern me compared to houses with stelliums or major planets. it’s not that i’ve mastered them or anything, they’re just not a big deal in my life. of course problems and success still arise in the areas of these houses but it’s not as heavy compared to house with planets in them. with empty houses, pay attention to transits that make aspects to your natal house sign but other than that these houses usually don’t create major problems in one’s life.

[soquimic]

some things i’ve manifested using the law of assumption —note that i’ve been using it to manifest for years, i was around 8 or 9, so it’s a lot—

1- when i was 8, i remember leaving the church and going home. i really wanted to go to the mall that day because it was almost xmas eve and there’s a lot of activities in my country, i also wanted to see the big xmas tree by the electric stairs. i remember that i affirmed everyday only one affirmation, i didn’t pay attention but lately i realized that ive always been living in the end and didnt realize because my affirmation stated the desire already fulfilled. i affirmed the whole day, i even went to the backyard and looked at the sky as if i was talking with god or something similar. i started affirming around 11 am and by 5 pm my mom was getting ready and i asked her “where are you going?” and she literally told me: i received your school grades, they are all good for me so im taking you to the mall. i lived happily the whole week because i thought that was my first encounter with god or something 😂😂

2- this was in my freshman or sophomore year, i really cant remember the time really well in this one but i do remember that my friend and i had fought and i was really scared because he ignored me everyday and we used to be really close so i reminded my subconscious everyday for like 3 days straight that they were not mad, they were just dealing with stuff or busy (yeah the gaslighting 😘😘) and nah, by day 4 he talked to me again and everything was back to normal like nothing happened.

3- food. yes, the thing i manifest the most is food because i adore eating. i used to live with the assumption: my mom is bringing me chocolate/cheesecake or pizza from work today. EVERY WEEK. and it would happen, i got used to it and stopped assuming random things that had to do with food.

i cant remember any other one, dementia patient right here 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

as for my recent ones, ive got a bunch. im a very anxious person and tbh manifesting before was way easier than now. the pressure is killing me but i still managed to manifest stuff from 2021 to this day.

1- a boyfriend. yes, i manifested a boyfriend around april 2021. i didnt go into detail but he had everything i was looking for + he was amazing (at first ofc), he later changed and i had to start attending to therapy sessions cause i got diagnosed and im still traumatized. i forgot to script the loyalty part… so yeah he definitely did cheat and gaslit me. but he made me feel amazing while it lasted. we broke up around 2 months ago and we had 2 years together. i didnt manifest the break up, he did. which is good. the universe sent me signs cause days later after the break up i found out messages and stuff of him cheating the same week of the break up.

2- i manifested for my attachment to go away. note: im the type of person to get attached emotionally to people, i was emotionally depending on my ex, so as soon as we broke up i had a dream where somebody told me to just go out the day after and spoil myself. buy whatever i want and spend some money cause i was working so hard to buy the flight to go and see him. 4 days later when i found out he was with another person i cried in my way to work and i was feeling so well that day that i literally did my hair and makeup but it got smudged :(( but that was the last and first time i cried over him after everything was over. next day i woke up feeling positive and i suddenly let everything go. bad people eventually get what they deserve in life so i just got over it and im not attached to him or the old story anymore!!

3- i manifested new friends plus i contacted my old friends back. most of them were in bad terms with me cause i blocked them out of nowhere because of my ex, everything was so messed up but they forgave me and they are very good friends after all, they text me and hype me up every day so i cannot be more grateful :D

4- i manifested my sp :D after these 2 months i thought to myself: if that person could move on, you can too. so i did, although my sp and me are not fully prepared for a relationship rn, we’re both aware of our mutual attraction and promised to give us time until we were both fully healed 🫶🏻

5- MONEYYYYYY. yeah it sounds like im too ambitious when it comes to money but im soooo silly. i spend everything i get plus i need to pay for my own stuff at school. i dont like bothering my parents with my expenses —even though they are supposed to provide for me but i feel like a problem when i do that so—, i manifested money like 4 times this year??? first, my parents never give me more than 100 for my birthday and all of a sudden they gave me 500$??? i even posted about it my happiness was out of the roof. i went to the cinema w my friends to watch an anime movie that got released on my birthday yayayaya. later, i started working and got like 1,200 in the summertime and now i manifested more money this week TO SAVE. i literally by assuming got into the void and manifested a bag full of money. i wont stfu about it IM AMBITIOUS in a good way with money, i need to move out and start building my future (bro im still 17 😔)

6- clothes and makeup. uMmm im not a fan of makeup tbh buttttt i wanted to have some in case one day i decide to put some on, my skin has always been clear and pretty, my lashes are super long and my eyebrows are really thick so i only worry about doing a perfect lip combo. i got a box and 2 bags full of makeup <3 especially makeup of my favorite brands 😙😙😙 i also was able to buy clothes online very similar to the ones that i had on my pinterest boards ^^ but i kinda forgot to buy shoes.. BFFR 😭😭😭 ive been repeating the same 5 shoes, but im gonna buy some new ones soon!!

7- colognes and jewelry 😘😘😘😘😘 yes, im a fan of these too!! my dad gave me a box full of earrings and rings. but not any kind of earrings, LONG AND BIG EARRINGS W UNUSUAL DESIGNS just how i like them. and some cute rings w rabbit, figures, etc. the colognes smell really well!! i got the nicki minaj perfume in all versions, dior colognes and a box with like 8 different types of victoria’s sprays 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

8- a good school year. its only been a month but ive made friends and i find a lot of people WHO SUDDENLY KNOW ME, waving at me in the hallways and im like OH YEAH HI even tho idk who they are?? it feels so goodddddd i feel like an it girl omg 😭😭😭 and also my grades are MAGNIFIC, i got accepted in our honors program and im currently a staff cadet in our military program I DID NOT EVEN KNOW IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO ACQUIRE A HIGH RANK HERE BUT I DID ITTTT I DID ITTTT IM LEADING :D

yeah i cant remember more but thats all i’ve accomplished so far, see u dont need the void to fucking manifest 🥱🥱🥱🥱 gurllll-

[jackharloww]

"through thick and thin” 

TW: depressive thoughts, anxiety. 

The first weeks after giving birth to Gracie were hard; having a newborn baby was not easy. The sadness and emptiness I felt every day only complicated everything. The first days I was so excited about it all, but then came the nervousness of being a mom, and with that followed the anxiety. I thought it was baby blues and would go away after a week, but with Grace’s colic and all the hormone changes my body underwent, the feelings stayed longer than I would’ve wanted. 

Grace cries a lot, and it’s been going on for two weeks. once she starts crying, it takes hours before she stops. Jack and I talked to the doctor, who informed us that it was colic and common during the first six weeks. It would go away on its own eventually, but we couldn’t do anything to make her stop crying other than comfort her. Constant crying and not knowing what to do took a toll on Jack and me. 

I feel sad, and I’m always overwhelmed these days. Guilt is consuming me for feeling this way.  I have every reason to be happy. I have a beautiful little baby girl, and my husband, who loves us unconditionally, is amazing; I have the family I’ve always wanted, so why am I feeling this way? What is wrong with me? I can’t control my emotions even though I try my hardest. These past few weeks, I’ve woken up feeling anxious and irritated, and not only does it affect me but also Jack. He has to deal with Grace crying as well as my daily mood swings and frustration.

Jack tries to help as much as possible. He took some time off work after Grace’s birth and stayed home to be there for us. Even Jack has noticed that I’m not feeling like myself, but he doesn’t pressure me to talk about it. He asks me daily if I’m okay, and when I nod and tell him that I am, he smiles at me, not really believing me. He has noticed the change in me, but he always proceeds to tell me that he’s here for me and tells me to relax more. But how do I tell him that even getting up from bed is starting to feel like a task these days? How do I tell him that the only reason I keep going is for our little girl?  Every time I get out of bed, it feels like I have a heavy weighted blanket on top of me, and the feeling is not going away. 

Today though, Jack had to go to the studio to work on some things; the studio was only 10 minutes away by car, so he assured me he would come home immediately if I needed him to. 

Right now I’m in Grace’s nursery with her in my arms. She’s looking for my breast, indicating that she is hungry, so I sit down in the chair we have in the nursery and lift my shirt to feed her. She latches on to my breast and starts to eat. I rubbed her pretty, chubby cheeks and sat comfortably on the chair. After burping her, she was lying in my arms, looking at me, making small sounds. I’m watching her in my arms, and I’m filled with so much love for her. I love this little creature and I’m going to guard her with my life. Only a few minutes after having a moment with her, my mind got once again filled with intrusive thoughts. Am I taking care of her well enough? Is she eating well? Is she getting a good amount of sleep? Does she feel loved? All the different questions are rushing through my head, and I can’t seem to stop them. She finally falls asleep and I put her in her crib, before going out to the kitchen to do some cleaning.  

Jack messaged me throughout the day asking how everything is going, and now after a few hours of being away, he is calling me on FaceTime. 

”Hey baby, how is it going?” He smiled big at the phone when I answered

”Hi, fine” I gave him a small smile, my hair was a mess, and I was wearing one of his shirts, which was now stained with milk leaking from my nipples. The dark circles under my eyes could be spotted from miles away, but he still managed to look at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. 

”Where’s my Gracie baby?” He asked 

”She just went for a nap” I sighed and rubbed my eyes. 

”You should take a nap too. I was thinking we could go out for dinner tonight,” He told me, making me stare into the phone, not knowing what to answer him. It has been five weeks since I gave birth, and we’ve mostly stayed at home. I was overwhelmed and did not feel like dressing up and going out, but I didn’t know if Jack would understand. 

”Hey, what do you say? You got real quiet on me there” He chuckled through the phone. 

”Uhm, I don’t really feel like going out.” I mumbled. 

”Okay babe, I can grab some takeaway and we can have a movie night” Jack answered as he started playing with his beard. 

”Sounds good. How is it going at the studio?” I ask him 

”It feels good to be back, you should hear the beat we are working on, it’s amazing,” Jack said with a big smile, happy to be back. Just as I was about to answer him, Grace’s cries could be heard from the nursery. 

”Jack I’ll call you back soon, She just woke up. Love you” I let out a big sigh as we hang up and go to Grace’s nursery to pick her up.  

”Shh baby, mommy is here” I held Grace in my arms, rocking her gently. Her small cries only got more and louder, and I’m trying everything to get her to stop crying or at least calm down a little, but nothing is working. Why can’t I comfort her? What is wrong with me? With every sob she lets out, the lump in my throat grows as the overwhelming feelings engulf me. The feeling of sadness is again there, and my eyes get filled with tears that I cannot stop from falling. The weight in my chest gets heavier with every sob that I let out. After trying to get her to stop crying for about 20 minutes, I grab my phone and call Jack, he answers after the second ring. 

“Please come home, I need you” I sobbed into the phone as soon as he picked up. Without any hesitation, Jack got up from the studio. Almost 15 minutes after I called, Jack came home and walked straight to the nursery where Grace’s cries could be heard. 

”Jack, What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I make her stop?” I sob as soon as I lock eyes with him. I try to take deep breaths to calm down, but I only seem to be crying more and breathing faster. Jack comes closer to us and puts one of his arms around me, kissing my head. 

”Hey hey hey, come on. It’s going to be okay, we got this” He said and pressed another kiss to my head before trying to wipe away my tears with his thumbs.  

”Go sit down for a while ma’, I’ll handle it” He grabs Grace from my arms and I feel exhausted. What kind of mother am I that I can’t even comfort my child, and get her to stop crying.

”Hey my Gracie baby, daddy missed you so much, yes he did,” He cooed and kissed her tiny hands, pulling her closer to his chest, whilst she continued to cry out. 

”Everything is going to be alright darling, shhh” He started rocking her. 

”Hush little baby don’t say a word, daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird” I heard Jack sing as I walked out of the room to go into the shower, needing to calm myself.

Jack stood in the same spot, watching me go. Jack and I have always been good at communicating and talking with each other when something is wrong. The problem is, I don’t know what’s wrong, so if I don’t, how would he? 

Hastily, I took my clothes off before stepping into the shower, letting the warm water release some of the tension in my back. I slid down the shower wall, using it as support as I sat on the floor, letting my thoughts consume me as tears streamed down my face. At some point, I couldn’t hear any cries, which made me somehow relieved, yet the pain in my chest didn’t fade. My eyes caught a glimpse of Jack’s feet making their way towards me, not even hearing the bathroom door open. 

”Oh baby,” Jack came in, immediately shut the water, and helped me stand up. I couldn’t say anything; I could only cry. He grabbed a towel and helped me get into it. 

”I can’t do it anymore,” I sobbed in his arms as he held me closer to him. 

”I’m overwhelmed, Jack,” I let out another big sob. ”I can’t do this,” this time, I didn’t have the energy to hold back from him. At this moment I’m mostly grasping for air and sobbing into his chest. 

Jack pulled me off him for a second and held my face in his hand, making me look at him

”I’m here, look at me. I’m here for you, you’re not alone” he said and wiped my tears, and brought me closer to him once more. 

”What kind of mother can’t get her child to stop crying?” I asked him, the tears not once stopping from falling. 

”Hey don’t say that. This is not your fault” 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want it to get easier,” I cried to Jack, holding onto his shirt. He didn’t say anything. He only rubbed my back and kissed my head, calming me down. 

”Come on, let’s get you dressed,” He said after a few minutes. We walked out to our bedroom, and I sat on our bed. He brought out one of his hoodies and a pair of sweatpants. He helped me get dressed, seeing I didn’t even have the energy to do that. 

”Come here” He grabbed my hand and walked me out to the living room, we sat down on the couch, and he gently rubbed my hand. 

”I’m here for you. You have a husband who loves you and a beautiful daughter who loves you more than life itself. And we want you to be happy.” He finally said, ”I don’t understand what it is that you’re feeling, but I’m here for you. Let us try to understand together” He still tried to wipe the tears from my cheeks and kissed me gently. 

”I’m sorry,” I whispered. 

”What are you sorry about? Stop it. it’s okay not to feel okay” 

”I’m sorry you had to come home from the studio, and that I put all this weight on you,” I said feeling remorseful. 

”Stop that, I don’t give a fuck about that right now. You’re my wife and you need me to be here for you, and right here is where I want to be. We got this together. I’m with you through thick and thin.” 

—————

It took some time for me to write this, I wrote and deleted a lot. And my bestie also helped me!! So I hope you like it🥺❤️

[lightlycareless]

Wait I'm curious if naoya has a scar from y/n (yk from that night) cuz if he has one I'd would be really funny (and sad a little) after they make out to be asked how did he got that scar on his face 😭😭😭

Heya anon!

I almost forgot about that hahahahahah but anyways, I decided to write a little something of how I think it would go down because why the hell not.

Now, forgive me if this is not that proofread, it was just a quick something I wanted to share after all the angst :> specially after the last chapter I posted :))))))

I hope you enjoy this small thing I wrote 🥺 nnnnghhhhhhhhhhh I love me some fluff. (also, this is in reference to something that happened right over here. That is very, VERY nsfw so proceed with caution)

Naoya and you were cuddling together after a long, hard day of work. He’d just gotten back home from missions, tired of being away from home and overall dealing with people who he didn’t even like—while you from overseeing most, if not all, tasks around the estate—with him absent most of the time, you were also left to tend to his own duties, which were just overwhelming as yours.

So, it’s safe to say both were exhausted, missed one another very, very much, and wanted nothing more than to bask in each other’s warmth.

However, as much as both wished to relax, it would have to take setback when a peculiar sight catches your interest. It’s subtle, almost unnoticeable, the thin streak of discolored skin splayed across his cheek, but to your observants, worrisome eyes it’s all too obvious.

“Did you always have this scar?” you ask, raising your hand to his face and gently pressing your thumbs against it, admiring the contrast between surfaces. While his skin was naturally soft, his scar felt smoother, the aftermath of a rather deep injury…

“No” he responds, instinctively leaning into your touch. “But it’s been a while since I’ve had it.”

You frown, failing to remember when it happened, you think you would’ve noticed if Naoya ever came back home with a bandage or a nasty scar on his face, yet you can’t recall…

“A mission?” you ponder, and he shakes his head with a chuckle.

“No. Actually… I got it from you.” Naoya reveals, and then, your heart sinks, almost as if the thought of you hurting your husband was too big to comprehend.

Sure, you won’t deny that the beginning of this marriage was far from ideal, rocky beyond any questionable doubt… but even then, you never imagined yourself capable of hurting someone, or at least… doing so without eventually discussing it.

How it managed to slip your mind was surprising, or how he never brought it up to conversation…

“When?” you eventually ask, Naoya sighs.

“The day before my exam—the grade one, the first one, remember?”

You frown, looking back on your memories, and then… there it is. That one awful night where you didn’t want anything but stay as far away as possible from your husband.

This was just one of many examples of how much this relationship has changed, for when you once cowered in fear in his presence, retaliating whenever possible, however possible, now can’t imagine a day without him.

And certainly, wouldn’t dream of hurting him.

“Oh…” you murmur, guilt now weighing heavy in your mind. “I didn’t think it actually…”

“No, don’t think about it” he says upon noticing the turmoil in your eyes. “It was long ago and besides… I think I deserved it.”

You press your lips together.

“That doesn’t mean it was right.” you respond. “…even if we were different back then.”

He supposes that statement fits with a lot of things that happened in the early stages of this marriage—specifically the ones he did.

Even if they’ve moved past this difficult stage of their life, Naoya knows that he’ll never be able to make it up to you—no matter what he did, there’s always going to be something in the back of his mind telling him you’ll never truly forgive him.

That he’s not good enough, and that you’re better off with someone else.

But that wasn’t true. If you staying with him and showing concern for his injuries wasn’t proof enough that you’ve forgiven him… then perhaps you needed to remind him.

“Does it still hurt?” you ask.

“No, it never did, really— wasn’t that deep.” He adds with a chuckle. “Didn’t know you had it in you though.”

You pout and this just makes him laugh even more, fluster you even more… before going completely quiet.

No words, no gestures, just both gently looking at each other’s eyes and enjoying the presence of the other, as if nothing outside that room mattered.

After a few seconds, you decide to lean forward, pressing your lips against his cheek and kissing his scar.

Naoya’s heart warms at your gesture, and the consuming urge to embrace you tightly against him overcomes him.

“I’m sorry” you say, leaning deeper into his chest, you’re so close to him you could literally heart the alluring sound of his rapid heartbeat.

“Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault” he whispers, pressing a kiss on the top of your head. Even when he was the one hurt, Naoya still finds it in himself to comfort you… The thought alone makes you hug him tighter, heart quickening as you bask in his care. “Besides, it’s a nice scar—I can proudly say my wife did it to me after one particularly rough night…”

“Ah! How—what a pervert!” you gasp, pulling your face away from his chest and looking up to him.

“Am I not telling the truth?” he chuckles.

“I guess that’s one way to put it…” you huff, sighing before leaning back into him.

…

…

“Does it bother you?” Naoya inquiries upon hearing the gears in your head, you sigh once more.

“I won’t be able to stop seeing it now” you confess. “It’s all I’m going to think about when I see your face.”

“Well, if you must… there is a way you can make it up to me” Naoya says, and you swear you could hear him smile.

“Be serious!” you gasp upon catching his intentions, looking up to him “Can’t think of anything else, can you?!”

“Who said anything about that?!” He laughs back “I was talking about—this”

Naoya leans forward, pressing a kick peck on your lips.

“And this”

Another kiss.

“And this too”

One more.

“And that as well”

And another, and another, and another—too many for you to keep count, far too embarrassed to even do so.

“Stop it!” you’d whine when Naoya pressed your cheeks together, forcing a pout out of you. 

“You’re adorable—did you know that?” He chuckles, kissing your pout. “The cutest, most adorable wife ever”

“Is this your idea of making it up to you?! By embarrassing me?” you manage to mutter, tightly closing your eyes as he continues to kiss you. “Stop it! You’re making me all red!!”

“You make it too easy” he jests “And that, amongst other things, is what makes me love you so, so much.”

It’s unfair how he always managed to experience a wide range of emotions in less than a second—from being flustered by his customary and excessive display of affection, to completely enthralled by it, relishing in his love and how lucky you were to have found your soulmate.

It was rough. Almost impossible to find this side of Naoya, help him put down his walls and become vulnerable.

But now that it’s here, you’ll do everything in your power to protect him, to take care of him, love him. You never want him to suffer ever again.

This time, you’re the one leaning forward, doing your best to kiss him through the silly position he had you—and Naoya simply finds your attempts even more adorable.

He gives you one last kiss before cupping your face and making you look at him.

“While I’ll always regret the way I treated you in the beginning of this marriage… I’ll never regret meeting you” he says “With you I’ve learned what it is to be happy, to be cherished just by who I am and not what I represent. With you, I can completely be myself without fear of being humiliated…

With you…. I’ve learned what it is to love and be loved.

And I find it unfair that someone as amazing as you has to suffer for things we did in the past, back when we didn’t know each other, when we had the whole world against us.

So, I don’t want you to dwell in my scar, Y/N. It’s… nothing from a past we’ve long moved on from, you know? If anything, I should be the one carrying that burden… and I probably will, for the rest of my life.” He pauses, you press your lips together, holding back tears. “I want you to focus on our future, what lies ahead for the two of us. Because I, for once, can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Your heart skips a beat at his words, finding them to be nothing but the perfect representation of your relationship with him.

Naoya has given you so many things you’ve only dreamed of, considered unobtainable—like one of those situations where everyone around you was bound to experience them, except you.

Until he came along, and then, that’s when you realized how lonely you were, to the point where the mere thought of being without Naoya hurt too much to even consider.

In more ways than one, he made you whole, he introduced you to a world of completely different experiences. With him you smiled, and you laughed, but you also cried, felt what it was to be in an ocean of loneliness—and yet, you don’t resent him, because you’ve learned the most important lesson of them all: to forgive, and be forgiven.

It takes lots of effort to overcome such difficulties, but with love and patience, everything is possible.

And just as Naoya said, these are things of the past. He had long paid for his actions and redeemed himself, and there was no use in pondering on them if they’re going to sway you away from the future.

From the adversities and blessings, the two are to face together.

“I love you” you say back “And I also can’t wait to live out the rest of my life with you.”

Eternity seems too short of a time to be with him, but you wouldn’t want it any other way.

[campgender]

Hi, my friend has a chronic illness that flares up sometimes and we've been wanting to hang out but it has gotten cancelled a couple times lately bc of her not feeling well enough on the day. I want to ask her how she feels cuz I care abt her a lot and want an update but 1, I don't want her to feel pressured or like I'm asking just to ask can we hang out now, and not bc I care abt how she's feeling (does that make sense? I may be overthinking this) and 2, I genuinely wanna know how she's doing but idk what to say if she responds with her not being better, sometimes u don't feel better and that's ok but I always want to offer comfort somehow or just convey my friendship? but I feel the same everytime and don't want to sound repetitive ?

Any thoughts?

this is really kind of you & it means so much to me that you want to support your friend & are putting so much thought into it! my response is inherently based in my own experience to an extent & everybody’s different, but a lot if not all of this is stuff i’ve heard regularly from other chronically ill people. of course, don’t say anything you don’t mean – if some of this isn’t the case for you, just adapt accordingly :)

i understand worrying about being repetitive but i think that’s totally okay to do! for one thing, it can be difficult to remember things period when you’re ill, especially during a flare, & for another, internalized + societal ableism is a hell of a force. it never hurts to have a reminder that not everyone is trying to force ableist expectations onto you + your friendship & that someone cares about you!

i think you can definitely tell your friend pretty much what you told me! like, “hey, it’s okay if you aren’t feeling up for responding but i just wanted to check on you! not trying to pressure you to hang out or anything, i just care about you & how you’re doing”

honestly the most important + supportive thing people have ever told me is that it’s okay if the answer is “bad.” i’m literally like surprised pikachu meme every time somebody offers to let me vent about having a rough time & then it helps me just to talk about it. it’s really socially unacceptable to talk about chronic pain & a lot of people get frustrated when you’re complaining about the same thing & there’s not really anything they can do, so just the opportunity to be like “yeah shit fucking sucks right now” means a lot.

obv the appropriateness of this depends on the person & their relationship to disability but most of the time i’m very like, radical acceptance / embracing / etc about the fact that i’m probably just gonna get sicker, so sometimes when i’m having a rough time emotionally & am like “what if i’m this bad for the rest of my life” my gf (who doesn’t have chronic pain / chronic illness) will say something like “then i can’t wait to be there with you ❤️” & it’s more meaningful to me than i can begin to put into words.

again everybody’s different but for me one of the biggest things is when disability stuff just… isn’t a big deal to the other person. which, it’s totally okay for you to need support from others when someone you care about is going through a hard time & when things change! but abled people are constantly horrified about like, every aspect of my life, so being able to talk casually about symptoms & somebody mirror the mood / tone i set – laugh if i’m joking, be upset about the ableism i experience & not my body itself if i’m complaining about people being weird about it, taking things as they come – is so affirming.

other things that have been helpful + meaningful for me are friends sending me notes, stickers, & art in the mail – having something tangible can make me feel more “real” & part of the world, something i struggle with due to being homebound – & peer support around medical neglect, which often just looks like talking to someone after a doctor’s appointment & them reaffirming my reality / experiences & saying i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

oh one other change in language i’ve made over time & probably picked up from a few other ill people in my life is a sort of realistic encouragement – there’s not necessarily anything wrong with “i hope you feel better soon!” because like, i get that the message is well-intentioned, but it can be awkward & difficult to receive when you don’t know if that’s gonna happen. instead, i try to tell people something like “i hope you get a bit of relief soon” or “i hope things are a little easier tomorrow.” a 7/10 pain day may be horrifying for most people, but when you’ve had a streak of 9s, it can be a much-needed taking the edge off, & i try to make space for that breadth of experience in my language.

i’ve answered a few similar questions before so i’ll add my “asks” & “faq” tags on my chronic illness blog in the reblogs if you want to browse! much love to you & your friend and feel free to lmk if you have any other questions 💓💓

[tamtheshihan]

Jin & Xiaoyu in Tekken 8

This is a couple I’ve wanted for years and its safe to say Tekken 8 may just give them the room to be an actual couple once and for all. If you are obsessed with this fighting game franchise as much as I am and have been waiting as long as I have, Jin and Xiaoyu are a ship that in my opinion should have sailed loooooong ago. Xiaoyu is the sunshine and Jin is the one in need of that sunshine.

Their relationship seems to be more grounded and cohesive this time. No longer the delusional and obsessive teenager chasing the handsome and mysterious bad boy, but now as two young adults who respect one another whilst realizing and understanding underlying feelings and the role each plays in the other’s life.

Now before I get to it, I am fully aware that there are millions of people who are against them being a couple. “Oh Xiaoyu’s annoying, Jin doesn’t care for her, JinXiao shippers are delusional”, YADA YADA. Be that as it may, I am 100% behind Jin and Xiaoyu. This post is not for you!

Its shaping up to be Jin and Xiao as endgame and here’s why… Get comfortable because it’s a long one…

Starting off, Japanese men are not the most romantic and are considered shy in those kinds of contexts- as most Japanese people are. Japanese people are not big on pda and being straightforward. Commonly seen in manga and anime. Protagonist in most cases will literally do everything else in a story before worrying about their relationship- telling the girl or guy how they really felt. And it is usually the very last thing we get, if we get it at all. Creators/writers will hint at certain things subtly and you usually have to be aware of it. It’s a staple in Japanese storytelling and Tekken is no exception. It’s a fighting game people, so fighting is the main focus while something like romance is typically placed on the backburner.

With that said, Jin is yet another example of this. He crosses me as the type to be very loving but not in a showy kinda way. I’m certain Jun showered him with love and affection. Her very existence is love and affection. She is mama Kazama- Jin’s whole heart which was taken away from him very early. So being caring and affectionate is something we all know Jin is capable of doing. It’s just that his life took a course that changed him in a way that he needed to adapt to. The mishimas and the devil gene are no place for the kind boy who was raised on the almost remote island of Yakushima. Never having to deal with anything even close to his life after meeting Heihachi. I say this to not right any of his wrongs but to say that you can become a product of the things you go through in life.

Jin is capable of a lot but had to put a lot on the backburner because he was dealing with a situation that was thrown onto him. He didn’t ask for any of it but it was time for a boy to become a man. He no longer had Jun’s kind and touching words, but rather memories of her precepts and warmness to guide him, a grandfather whom he became to trust betrayed him in the worst way, and a father who could care less of his existence.

Xiaoyu on the other hand, a cheerful and caring young lady who wants nothing but to be there for Jin- someone she seen the good in and became a close friend to. She knows that Jin has only become the way he did to cope with the never ending pain and sadness, having to force away everyone and everything he cares about because he fears he would bring them nothing but harm. Jin was once a kind and sweet guy as Xiaoyu stated. Jin cares for Xiaoyu. He cares A LOT. I feel that he cares as much as he can in a way that he can given his situation. I don’t think I want the person I truly care for to be around me in moments were I lose control of myself either. Trust me, Jin has all the emotional components as the next person, he just doesn’t have the space to show it.

Xiaoyu isn’t an idiot. She understands this and catches what Jin throws. Jin’s life was a hard contrast to Xiaoyu’s fun loving, amusement park going life. Sometimes the best way to get through to someone is to communicate in a way they can understand and this time around she knows what has to be done.

And there are things that Jin is fully aware of. He knows that Xiaoyu will follow him to hell without a second thought. He knows she will come looking for him at the drop of a dime and wouldn’t even consider the harm she would face in pursuing him. HE IS FULLY AWARE of how much he means to her. Which is why he puts that distance between them. Why he disappears without a trace, why he keeps his hardships to himself. He knows Xiaoyu will go to bat for him quick. But he cares for her so much that he doesn’t want her getting caught up in his mess. Jin believes that he doesn’t deserve the love and consideration Xiaoyu gives him but he still cares. His self-hatred is what holds him back from believing he’s a proper member of society. The devil gene thoroughly labels him as an outcast who doesn’t deserve a second shot at life and he doesn’t try to hold onto that hope. So something like a relationship or friendship means nothing if you can never truly have it-and to him- as long as the devil gene exist, none of those things could ever be.

He feels as though he has to deal with everything on his own- end his family’s mess and end the bloodline. Jin always seems ready to give his life away because he feels the world would be better off without him. He looks at himself as an abomination, an existence not of this world. He invalidates how he really feels for what he thinks is appropriate for the situation. He calls it like it is. How can you smile, be a friend, or even have a relationship when you are a ticking timebomb and could ruin everything in the blink of an eye?

He's aware that Xiaoyu is going to give it to him straight, cut no corners. He knows she wants the best for him. He knows she’ll tell him that what he thinks of himself isn’t true. He knows that she can read him like a book. He knows she truly cares.

Their special interaction in Tekken 8 is long overdue. It shows exactly what their reunion should be. An abundance of emotions that look almost impossible to interpret. Xiaoyu- happy, relieved she found her man, but also with restraint trying to approach the situation another way, and there’s Jin- sheepish, unable to face Xiaoyu, not sure how she feels. Awkward but both push forward to paint a better picture together this time around. He knows she knows all the things he’s been doing and she knows that he knows but wants to move forward and be able to aid him in the fight. He’s always been much more softer in tone and demeanor with Xiaoyu. He calls the girl “Xiao”for goodness sakes, and in Japanese society people don’t usually do that unless they are really close and have a bond. She calls him “Jin”, no suffix just Jin. She even came out and said that "an exchange of blows can be revealing". Now if that's not obvious...

Sometimes love comes at the right time, and you have to be ready. The love was definitely there, feelings were definitely mutual, they were just shown very differently. In a lot of ways they just had to get themselves together and figure some things out. Besides the romantic part, Jin and Xiaoyu did a lot of growing up. I mean a lot. Look at those two. Xiaoyu LOOKS more mature. SHES A WOMAN NOW. Jin LOOKS certain in his actions and seems to have much more confidence and resolve. This is a man and a woman. I believe they are ready this time.

In a lot of ways Xiaoyu is what Jin needs- that reassurance, that support, that sunshine, that stick beside you type of thing.

And with Jun officially back, Jin’s life will definitely brighten up but with Xiaoyu included… That’s the ideal situation for me!!

I can go all day on these two but in conclusion, Jin and Xiaoyu are a pair that is definitely hard to come by and one of my favorites especially in games. It doesn’t make any since how long I have waited for an interaction between these two where they finally appear to be on even footing, on the same page, and know what they want.

[wishcamper]

All in the Family Part III: Feyre the Harbinger

Pre-reqs: Part I | Part II

No content warnings, just some minor Mor slander.

Welcome back to my series on ACOTAR and Family Systems Theory! Today’s topic is how systems react to change, generational patterns, and special considerations in family integration.

When we last left off, we discussed the IC family system that, while dysfunctional, maintained relative balance as long as everyone played their roles in the nuclear family emotional process (NEFP). As a refreshers, the NEFP is how anxiety moves through a family: 

Mor feels anxiety about Az's feelings for her, and she passes it off to the boys. Cassian steps in the middle of the conflict at Mor’s unconscious request and takes inappropriate responsibility for Azriel’s feelings of rejection and Mor’s anxiety. Thus Mor doesn’t have to deal with her emotions and Azriel suppresses his feelings once more. Everyone plays their part, and balance is restored until the cycle starts again. 

Now we’re going to talk about how Feyre is a harbinger of change for the IC’s dynamic. Let’s look at the IC pre-Feyre:

So let’s think about how Feyre enters the IC. She and Mor develop a friendship, and Cassian treats her with affection like he does Mor, though without all the touching. Azriel seems to like her well enough. Amren is Amren. And Rhysie boy is OBSESSED with her and will never side with anyone against her. Feyre has power over Mor, Azriel, and Cassian when she becomes High Lady, but she also has power because of her relationship with Rhys, the most powerful person in the family. What will this do to our system?

Mor, girl, you good?

I’ve added some new lines to represent the significant changes once Feyre enters the scene. The big gold blob between Feyre and Rhys is to represent their mating bond, which is canonically a stronger and more important relationship than all others. In this system, it’s the most significant relationship and the alliance that wields the most power. If Feyre and Rhys agree on something, it will be done.

The pink arrow between Feyre and Mor represents what to me is the compensating balance to the system. Mor develops a friendship with Feyre because that’s what keeps everything in harmony. She approaches Feyre with much more interested than we ever see toward Nesta or Elain, even when they're both in the arguably identical position of being romantically involved with her brothers.

And that, to me, is odd. Especially considering how Feyre first enters the system as opposed to her sisters.

Imagine this: your beloved family members returns home after having been held as a prisoner and the first thing he says when he sees you is how he fell in love with some girl. Excuse me???? Putting aside the fact that Rhys trapped his friends in Velaris against their will for the good of the city (arguably the same situation he was in UTM), wouldn’t you be a little put out? No hi hello I love you nice to see you, just she’s my fucking mate? I’m sorry sir but, who??!?!?!?!

Nevertheless, Rhys returns to his family saying he’s met the love of his life, and suddenly this person even before she’s present holds a great deal of power in the system. Rhys’ closest relationship is no longer Mor, it’s Feyre.

Remember that Mor is the most likely source of anxiety in the family. This displacement really unbalances her, I think, removing the moderating presence between her, Cassian and Azriel. So what do we see her do? Throw in hard for Feyre. IMMEDIATELY she tries to get Feyre alone to start establishing a relationship with her new symbolic mommybestie.

We also see her hanging out with the other two boys a lot, together or just Cassian alone. I have to wonder if that was the norm before, or what changed when Rhys was UTM. Now that Rhys is absorbed in Feyre, Mor is using that buffer in earnest. Without Rhys to balance them, she pingpongs between Cassian and Azriel through a lot of ACOMAF, enough so that Feyre, who just met them, notices it on several occasions. 

And this is not to downplay that Mor likes Feyre and they’re genuine friends. I’m more so saying that even if Mor disliked Feyre, it’s not likely she would’ve made that public. She needs her relationship with Rhys to be strong enough to justify her place because of the anxiety she brings to the system. The way to stay chill with Rhys is to stay chill with Feyre. We see that over and over and over.

Thankfully (?), Feyre is more than ready to integrate into the existing system. In fact, she reinforces Rhys’ power and acts as another moderator between everyone. She notices the weird Mor/Cas/Az triangle but has no outward reaction to it, doesn't even bring it up to Mor who is supposedly her friend, which in the sense of the system is accepting and condoning it to continue. She doesn’t question the family rules or interrupt the NEFP. Feyre generally wants everyone to get along all throughout the series. Do we ever see her disagree with anyone besides Rhys? Because I genuinely can’t remember her in an argument with anyone in her family besides him and her sisters.

So in summary:

Feyre temporarily unbalances the system by diverting a huge amount of Rhys’ attention and care.

The system rebalances though Feyre and Mor’s friendship and Feyre’s tacit endorsement of the IC’s rules, the power structure, and the NEFP regarding the buffer triangle.

Feyre's entry reveals the weak points in the system, like the buffer, as well as the HUGE dependence on Rhys as a moderator for everyone else. This sets the stage for the Archeron invasion to take the whole thing down.

Let’s talk a little about family rules before we wrap up.

All families have rules, some spoken and most unspoken. Rules can be things like we always have dinner together, throwing things when you’re mad is not allowed, children have to wear helmets when they ride bikes. They can also be things like don’t tell outsiders our business, do whatever dad says when he’s drunk, don’t show your feelings ever. The IC has some rules I want to highlight, one being: don’t bring home a love interest.

In all the 500 years, why are all these kids still single? We never hear of any long-term relationships of any significance until ACOSF. None of them have partners or lovers worth naming. What the hell? Is the mating bond that sacred, even though it's so rare, that you assume you'll fuck around until you hopefully find it? Personally, I don't believe people work that way. I think we crave companionship and love that we don't get from our families. There's between an 81-86% chance you will be married at some point in your life, and I know America isn't Prythian but it feels against the odds that ALL of them are unpartnered without some other explicit reason why.

The important thing to remember is that all rules have a source point, like those laws that say don’t drive with an alligator in your car or whatever. Someone did this thing once and it was bad, so don’t do it again. Often the source point goes back many many generations, but with the IC I think it’s what happened between Mor and Cassian when they were seventeen. Love in the friends group = bad. So let's never talk about it again, until these three fuckin' humans show up and goddamnit we have to.

And that’s what you missed on Glee!

[siryouarebeingmocked]

Someone recently claimed that the new Davies era of doctor who has no more wokism* than the show used to.

Now, maybe I've just changed in the past few decades, but from what I've heard of the 60th anniversary specials it does seem a tad more concentrated. Cherry-picking SPOILERS, sweeties.

- Donna got married offscreen. To what I can only assume is the last black cab driver in London.

- Her kid is trans. Specifically, non-binary, female presenting, says the wiki.** - In the next episode, we learn the Doctor is gay/bi when he thinks Sir Isaac Newton is hot. I'd smugly say this bit has no real relevance, but...the actual scene does carry the episode theme of accidentally changing reality. It's just the queer bit that seems tacked on. Though it does carry forward themes from 10s era. - Sir Zack himself is played by a half-Indian actor. It's not exactly hard to tell. I'm assuming they're running on Bridgerton logic. https://twitter.com/frozenaesthetic/status/1731332492282429950 - This episode is basically just Donna and the Doc exploring a weird location, and running into monsters, who happen to look like them. It would be a bottle episode, except for the large vfx budget. And yet ol' Rusty somehow managed to awkwardly wedge in an  progressive issue. - In the next episode, the villain explains how he's just exploiting the divisions that already exist in human society, including cancel culture. - no wait he's got a point. Jpg - This is ironic, given that Davies and/or his broadcasting house masters are pretty blatantly on the team that a) coined the word,  b) cancels people the most often, and c) defends the idea of Internet lynch mobs*** (***as long as they're left wing. If not, they're *ist "trolls", even if they're just complaining about the latest sacred cow.) Maybe the Davies was criticizing his own team. * Because the Toymaker was kind of racist back in the day (white dude dressed like a stereotypical Chinese dude), Davies made the new version a bit racist "as a callback to his original, problematic depiction back in 1966." - TVtropes, ref. DW Unleashed. On the other hand, the Toymaker also mocks and dresses as several other cultural archetypes. All the ones I've seen were white European ones. He just does this to everyone, apparently. - Toymaker also weaponizes the Spice Girls hit "Spice Up Your Life". No, I will not explain. Though I will note that a line about the "Yellow man in Timbuktu" was apparently drowned out in the episode. Probably for being a tad spicy. - One new UNIT character is a lady in a wheelchair. When the new Tardis - no, I will not explain - has a wheelchair ramp, she happily points it out. Which makes me wonder why the blue box would be so limited, considering it often deals with alien species. - Also, the same actress played a disabled Companion in the Big Finish audio dramas. I'm not sure why it was considered essential to do so in an entirely audio format, but there have been controversies over this sort of thing before (EG Artie on Glee, various racial voice acting controversies). - At this point, casting Ncuti Gatwa as 15 doesn't even register. Not really a blip on my radar. Black Doc? Whatevs. His sonic screwdriver has Rwandan words on it? So? I go to church with lots of Africans. Heck, I'm a black immigrant to ol' Blighty myself, just from the other side of the pond. Ncuti is, chronologically speaking, more British than I am. - Though given that he's Rwandan-Scottish, there may be some debate on the "British" part. - Wikipedia says the actor is pretty left-wing, but the actor seems good so far, so I'm willing to give him a sha-

Oh, come ON!

Maybe the original person speaking was comparing it to the Chibnall “history has always been a whitewash” era, which had a character who was a paper thin Trump satire. A tad ironic, when the whole point of bringing Davies, Tennant, and Tate back is to play on nostalgia.

*Tangent: that word was apparently voted  the most annoying words in English. Which is kind of hilarious if you know that it was originally created to self-describe certain progressives. And the "you can't even define that word!" meme was almost certainly ripped off from the right wing "what is a woman?" Meme. ** This is apparently because she's part Time Lord, through Donna. It seems a tad interesting to me that a few works featuring non binary characters happen to make them enby due to some sort of supernatural (Omniscient Reader) or sci-fi (SW Squadrons) influence which the vast majority of IRL enbies don't have. ...As far as I know.

[picapicamagpie]

Sing Marine Life!

I’ll deal with you at the end.

As promised, here’s the follow up post including the marine animals! We don’t see many in the film, so I’ve broken it down by each species.

Squid

I love these guys. They don’t do much, but they look cool. The most notable thing about them is their bioluminescence, which is indeed a trait some real squid have, though not to this degree. Based off their size, bioluminescence, and spotted patterns, I believe these are firefly squid. The bioluminescence is very inaccurate in Sing, but it’s probably exaggerated for dramatic effect and it’s totally fair because the scenes they’re in look amazing. In real life, only the spots on the squid light up and they are only blue, I don’t believe they can change the colour.

Something worth pointing out is that the anatomy of the squid in Sing is completely wrong. And I mean royally messed up. Squid have a mouth that is more like a beak, no lips, certainly no teeth, and it’s located in the middle of the tentacles. The eyes are also further down the body, basically on the tentacles too. What Illumination has done is use the mantle as the squid’s face, when that’s actually their body. It’s the equivalent of putting Buster’s face on his torso. Soooooo something happened to the Sing squid to completely rearrange their bodies and essentially swap the locations of their head and body. Wild.

Shrimp

This is fairly accurate because some crustaceans can survive on regular air for a short time and don’t need to be constantly submerged. Like the squid, these guys have been given a more mammalian body type and can even wear clothes. I don’t know the specific species of shrimp because my God, they all looked the same to me. There’s also this concept art crab who is just chilling about on land. He’d either be dead in a few hours or Sing crabs can now live on land. But I won’t explore it much as it’s not something that’s actually appeared in the films so it’s not canon.

Whale

He doesn’t appear very much, but he’s there. We don’t see enough of him to determine his species but he wears a neat hat. I have nothing else to say about him. Why is Buster in the sky

Fish

Again, super brief appearance and oh my God this screenshot was so hard to get?! I had to load up the film and grab it myself because no one cares about these fish at all. It’s too blurry to tell what species they are, and again, not much to say on them.

Walrus

I have beef with this walrus because his design interrupted the old, more realistic style of Sing. He really cemented the feeling to me that Sing 2 is no longer using the “rules” set by Sing 1. I remember first seeing him and thinking how odd and out of place he looked. While I thought he was a funny character, his design just bothered me so much, something about him felt so off. The sheer audacity of this man to walk on two feet and basically look like a big ape. Generally, Sing was quite realistic with its body types. Ok except the squids. Although technically four legged, walruses and seals have flippers and such a unique way of moving that I really kinda expected Sing to stick to this, or at least make them more hunched over or do something to make them a bit more real, instead of the weird “walrus head on gorilla body” design we got.

To start with, walruses are insanely heavy and huge. A male gets up to 12ft long. To put it into perspective, a walrus standing up would be roughly the same height as an elephant. Mason really should be as tall as Meena but he’s like, 2 Busters.

Real life walruses could never stand on their rear flippers because of their sheer size, and because flippers are not legs. They’re too large and heavy for their adapted limbs to support. That’s why they do that weird flopping about thing that walruses and seals do. So it’s not a case of just making them stand on two legs like every other animal. However now that I’ve looked at him a bit more, Mason is a lot smaller than he “should” be, which makes me think maybe Sing walruses evolved quite differently. They’re much smaller, lighter, and thus able to stand. Maybe also their rear flippers never reached the stage of being super short and small, and are some sort of weird leg/flipper middle stage rather than just being flippers.

Ok Mason, you’re not as bad as I thought you were. But I still don’t like your design.

Also according to the Wiki there’s seals in some advert somewhere but I can’t find it. I’d love to see if they are designed the same as Mason so please if anyone can find it, let me know!

Here’s the canon “rules” I can gather for aquatic animals:

🐳 Honestly there aren’t any

🐳 ok ok, they generally only wear accessories rather than proper clothes but some do also wear full outfits (shrimp)

🐳 They still need water to survive and it hints that there’s an aquatic biome for them to live and work in, with regular cities having waterways as a method of transportation for them. I like this idea and hope it’s explored more

🐳 Bioluminescence can do whatever you want it to do as long as it looks nice, but it’s still limited to animals who have it in real life (which is basically just some fish and invertebrates)

🐳 Some, like the whales and fish, are essentially just the same as real life ones. Others, like squid and shrimp, are more mammalian now. Somewhere, evolution went wild and completely changed the body design of squid completely, reversing their heads and torsos

🐳 Walruses are smaller than they are in real life, and now able to support their bodies on two… flippers? They are much, much more humanoid now and are incredibly different to their real life counterparts

My main take away from this is that mammalian body types have become the norm in the Sing universe. Take (almost) any real animal, make it sort of humanoid, and it’ll belong in Sing. I reckon it’s some kind of convergent evolution thing where animals end up looking similar.

[queerfandomtrifecta]

I’m late to the Hazbin Hotel stuff, but I’ve binged it a few times recently and just have to say that I’ve never seen an abusive relationship that looked so much like mine portrayed so correctly (as in both accurately and in being completely condemned by the narrative) as Angel and Valentino.

I’ve seen a little of the discourse on this and I’m gonna add my thoughts under the cut.

Gonna start by saying 1. I was lucky enough to get out of my eight-year long abuse/DV situation in 2019 and I’m safe and okay now 2. I know everyone’s experience is different and I’m specifically talking about my experience of being in a long-term abusive situation and don’t mean to diminish anyone who’s experience with SA/DV was different than mine and 3. this is all high praise for what the show did, because it may not sound like it at first because it is legitimately hard for me to watch, especially the first time through.

I’ve realized I’m probably rambling out of order at this point and I apologize to anyone who’s chosen to read these words I just had to shout into the tumblr void but oh well.

Yes, I read the trigger warning at the beginning of e4. I braced myself because that one is typically fine with a heads up for me, but I still wasn’t prepared. I barely made it through that first watch because it didn’t warn about the DV tied to the SA. I’d already barely made it through the scene in e2 where Angel Dust is listening to voicemails from Valentino because jfc it’s so painfully accurate. I heard some of that stuff verbatim from my abuser. Word for word exactly the same.

The other part that’s accurate is how self-destructive Angel is as a coping mechanism and his reasons why. “If I end up broken, maybe I won’t be his favorite toy anymore. And maybe he’ll let me go.” It’s. So. Accurate. To my experience at least, which is one that looked a lot like their whole relationship.

“Loser Baby” is absolutely fine with me. Because again, it’s so accurate. Having someone sit with you and say “hey, I clearly see that you’re not being treated right no matter how hard you try and fake things, and that you’re at rock bottom and not doing good things with the ways you’re dealing with that, and I’m here for you anyway” is what pushed me to finally leave. My now-best friend who at the time was my co-worker who’d just been hired a few months prior is the one who said it to me. He saved my life in more ways than one and I’m forever grateful for it. I’ve read a few things saying the song was calling Angel a loser in a victim blaming way, and that’s not how I took it at all. Admitting how much things suck, saying that aloud, including the ways I’d changed for the worse was crucial for me in the process of leaving and trying to heal afterwards.

“Poison” wasn’t even the part that was difficult to watch for me, even though those scenes are (mostly) what earned e4 the trigger warning at the opening. But the lyrics hit me hard. “My story’s gonna end with me dead from your poison.” I lived this for years. I can’t overstate how much this was the reality of my experience. I thought that was how things would end up for me. I didn’t think I’d have a way out from this person who was both hurting me and making me the absolute worst version of myself possible. I was so sure I’ve of those two things would eventually be the end of my story. I’m very very lucky it wasn’t and I’m grateful for the resources I had that let me leave when I could.

This was a whole lot of rambling to really just say I’ve never felt so seen and respected by the representation of abuse in a piece of media. Maybe it’s because I’m coming off feeling weird about things in OFMD2 and withholding saying any on that because reasons. But I can definitely weigh in accurately in the abuse plot line in Hazbin and it’s all praise from me. Would I have avoided watching it if I’d have known how big of a plot line that would be? Yes, probably. I would’ve at least read spoilers ahead of time to try and gauge it. I nearly stopped it a few times because I wasn’t expecting it to be so painfully close to my own experience and shown so blatantly instead of being implied off-screen.

But am I glad I watched it? Absolutely. Mostly because the narrative so clearly frames everything as capital-b Bad. And I’m grateful they showed what they did how they did, and even more grateful and that the narrative (which is specifically working with a major, prominent, surface-level text theme of redemption/redeem-ability) frames Valentino as an irredeemable villain for his role as the abuser, while also giving Angel Dust three-dimensions in his own flaws that he’s responsible for. It’s done flawlessly imo. And I’m glad I watched it, even though it was hard.

[rei-caldombra]

Demon Girl Next Door Chapter 89 Review

I’m back to talking about one of my favorite series ever, Demon Girl Next Door / Machikado Mazoku. If you didn’t see my post giving my thoughts about Demon Girl Next Door as a whole back in September of last year, please check that out! I’m keeping the promise I made there of doing a post on each chapter of going forward. I’m very happy to finally be writing about chapter 89 of Demon Girl Next Door. There will be spoilers and this post is largely written chronologically with the chapter.

This chapter gets right back into the most recent plot development, which is Shamiko wanting to dive into Anri’s memories to obtain the family recipe that was lost in the fire. I’m very happy we are getting a lot more focus on Anri and getting introduced to her family. I’ve always really liked her as a minor character. She fits in perfectly with the cast as she is an eccentric weirdo like everyone else, but in a more normal flavor. She can be silly and gung ho with the weird things in this story that you’d think a normal person wouldn’t, but has more normal reactions and information. She is the most helpful for Shamiko navigating social situations. I think she helps keep things grounded while still contributing to the silly energy of the story. But who knows, that grounded normalcy may be changing in the future based on what we learn here. 

We’ve seen Shamiko’s abilities grow a lot in recent chapters. The most notable new one that is mentioned in this chapter is that Shamiko can now mend wounds, including broken bones. This is a pretty big deal, giving her a new way to be helpful to the people around her in a way only she can. Recent developments shown in this chapter are important and I'll get more into how great of a character Shamiko is later in the post.

Shamiko is such a caring girlfriend, making sure Momo eats properly while she is gone. I still love these two and they are the only couple I go full shipper with.

Some of the magical side of things is actually pretty complicated. Sion’s thing as a book demon got brought up here, which I will honestly say I do not get very well. I need to re-look at the arc that focused on her sometime and try to understand it better. I feel her purpose recently has largely been to give cryptic information that is not as helpful as it could be, when we know that she is or at least more knowledgeable about the wider story but doesn’t give us all that info. I don’t dislike her as a character, but I don’t love the way she is being used. It’s pretty much my only criticism of the series right now, and it’s hard to describe why she just doesn’t vibe with me. I think I just don’t like feeling that information is being withheld for no good reason. It’s not a problem of severe note, and maybe if I understand her better than I'll fully see a good reason. 

Oh boy this is officially our 2nd foray into proper horror in this series. A meat grinder is a good choice for the family of butchers. Those shots are genuinely creepy and well done, I’m terrified but excited to get more. The horror works especially well because of how long we have had with the series being very wholesome and cutesy. The juxtaposition works very well, so we will see if it continues to work well as we get more scary content. I'm confident it will.

We’re getting some serious lore here. It looks like this story involves the Russo-Japanese war, which I assume is mirroring the real life one. We also learned that demons participated in that war. If I remember correctly Momo was found by Sakura at a Russian facility and spoke Russian when Sakura approached her. So the Russo-Japanese war may have been the event that led to Sakura finding Momo. The old picture mentions Shirosawa which gives the story an avenue to how we can hear another account about this event. A big question going forward is how this factors into the conflict between demons and the light clan + magical girls. Were there demons and magical girls fighting together on both sides of wars? Or is it more in line with each faction being on one side? Is the world at large as aware of and blasé about magical stuff as Tama City is? It looks like we will see more into how magical beings have played into politics, and likely get more into detail about the conflict between the demons and light clan. This is some heavy stuff, showing how the series is maturing into taking itself seriously and has much more to say than just being wholesome and funny. I love the more serious directions it’s taken and hope it continues to feel well balanced with the wholesomeness we all love. 

In terms of what this means for Anri, it’s pretty complicated and hard to say right now. The issue in the family Sion mentioned is clearly about the darkness that came in at the end. The family must be under some kind of memory shenanigans. Right before they went into Anri’s home she says that she has a large family. But when they are eating at the table she states that they are a two child family, which totals at 4 people. That is not a large family by normal standards, that’s exactly average. Lilith’s “I see” response is likely her picking up on this. The table is also set in front of those chairs which is strange. When Shamiko goes into the dream we get to see more of the family tree, which I will admit I am not great at reading. But it’s clear that there are 3 siblings who are being blocked out from memory due to some terrible event. 

The ending to the dream dive is very rough for Shamiko. Shamiko started off being incapable and incompetent whose failures are mostly played for laughs. But it becomes clear that her weakness and lack of skills gave her issues of inadequacy. I think this stems largely from her long state of being physically weak and ill, along with her time of health where she generally appears as pretty stupid and unfit. We even get reminded of this idea in this chapter through the joke of Anri’s little brother only knowing her as losing and crying a lot. We saw these feelings showcased a lot with her initial interactions with Momo. Such as her getting angry over being looked down on and pitied, and thrusting herself into situations she is not prepared for like fighting Momo in desperation to prove herself. Over the course of the story we have seen her struggle and grow into a more confident and capable person. She got many genuine wins due to her own way of thinking and capabilities, such as defeating Sakura’s minion, freeing Ugallu, and most recently fixing Anri’s broken bone. She has grown to be much more secure with herself, but deep down she still has issues of inadequacy. This coupled with her desire to help people after seeing the darkness inside Anri, makes her feel like she did not succeed here even though she still completed her mission of getting the recipe. Shamiko deeply cares about helping others, likely due to her own past weakness, so when she is presented with the opportunity to help she puts everything else aside to focus on that. And she is still harsh on herself, calling herself a failure for not being able to help in a situation she just found out about. It’s details like this that makes Shamiko feel like such a realized and endearing character. 

I’m sure it won’t be long before Momo finds out about all this. She is quite perceptive, so I’m not too surprised that she would know that Anri usually sleeps early. We have seen her notice people’s minor behaviors to a surprising degree, such as when she mapped out how Shamiko’s tail portrays her emotions. It’s also nice to see that Shamiko also does not expect the deception to go on long, showing how well she knows her magical girlfriend. They’ve been close for awhile now and I believe the series does a great job of showing the growing understanding between them. They still have some conflicts but they know each other very well. This is one of the reasons why they are such a great couple. I trust that once she finds out she will help Shamiko get through this. 

I’m glad the first chapter we got in awhile is a meaty one! Absolutely worth the wait! I’m very interested to see how the story develops from here. And I do want to end by saying that if you love the series as much as I do, I highly encourage buying the manga and anime DVDs. It’s the best way to support the series. I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone, I just believe it’s best to monetarily support the media you truly care about when you can in addition to talking about how awesome it is online. Most of the manga is available in English already.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be doing posts on each chapter going forward so please stick around! Hopefully the wait will not be as long for the next chapter but I'm happy to wait as long as Ito Sensei needs.

[puppetwoman17]

Very tempted to write a Spectacular Spider-Man(cartoon) fanfiction taking place during Across The Spider-verse.

Most events are largely the same, but instead of traveling to 42, Miles is running around different earths. He ends up on the earth where TSSM takes place( don’t know the number, so I’ll just call it Earth tssm). The spiders have been dispatched to look for him, and some have been told to keep watch over their own earths for him.

On TSSM Peter’s end, he’s been in the society for about a year after the s2 finale, making him halfway to 17 in my fic. After all the shit he’s been through, he distances himself from everyone else, save for Captain Stacy and the Daily Bugle’s Foswell, (er, “Patches”), who are the only people who know(or have an inkling) that he’s Spider-Man.

He also tends to spend more time on Society work, limiting his time in his own earth. While this causes problems for his aunt and school, you can see this really take shape with New York. Especially the villains. People from Electro to Tombstone to fucking Silvio Manfredi notice that Spidey’s been showing up less and less, even disappearing for weeks on end. He rarely works with the cops anymore, and the battles have started to become less quippy than usual.

Needless to say, the villains are both scared, and pissed. Scared because if Spidey’s quiet, then shit’s serious. Pissed because they’re needy bastards who feel ignored.

Thus begins a manhunt for Spider-Man, from none other than the people he fights every day. Turf wars between the Six, Manfredis, and Big Man are put on hold for this one instance, all in favor of finding the wallcrawler and getting answers out of him(also cause they’re actually kinda worried about him, like, it’s SPIDER-MAN).

I’m thinking of getting the Lizard involved, maybe changing some things to make it so the Connors family knows Peter is Spider-Man because he came to them after he got bit and tested out his powers with their help. Connors can still turn when his emotions get the better of him, but he’s on the good side now. Through the undernet, he finds out something’s wrong with Peter and is like: why didn’t the kid call me when something went wrong? So he comes back to add more fuel to the fire.

Speak of the devil: Spidey returns from another awful—I mean, UPLIFTING week over at SS HQ. He’s tired, Miguel is his usual annoyingly loud self, and Miles is still not found. Even worse, it’s been found that Miles is in HIS earth, so it’s HIS responsibility to bring him back. Great.

You can imagine how hard it is to get back into a normal routine(for like a couple days at least). His aunt keeps asking where he’s been, his classmates think he’s a drug addict, his villains are starting to pry into his private life too much(which is kinda nice to know that they’re worried about him, but it tends to border on obsessive sometimes), and the other Spiders are getting antsy. Especially Miguel. Very much so Miguel. All the while, Peter deals with his own issues on the Canon. The good and the bad. The relief of finding out that his trials and losses are set in stone and not his fault, and the anguish that he could’ve been Miles, desperate to save Uncle Ben now that he knew what would happen.

All the while the villains of New York are trying to gauge why so many spider-like vigilantes are entering THEIR hero—ahem—nemesis’s turf and why he always returns to the city with bruises despite no one seeing him prior.

Trying to come up with a title is hard tho. Stuck between:

The Spider Society: Spectacular’s Story

and

Converge on The Spectacular Spider-Man

Now that I’ve written it down, there’s a lot going on here. I’m hoping to maybe start on this when I complete my other fic. No promises, but I’m interested.

[the-lincyclopedia]

On healthy relationships

Recently, I saw a post about how “healthy relationships are built, not found,” which I mostly agree with, but a lot of the advice in the post didn’t resonate with me. I’m not sure if that was because it was bad advice, or if it’s just that humans have different needs and preferences and there are multiple ways to build a healthy relationship, with different ways that work better for different people, or something else. 

Regardless, I’m a little over two months into a relationship that is so far the healthiest I’ve ever had, so I figured I’d share some factors that I think are contributing to things going so well for me at present. A lot of this comes back to the fact that I decided before this relationship started that I would rather deal with a fundamental incompatibility by breaking up than by putting either of us in a position of trying to cram ourselves into a place we don’t fit. That feels essential to me, and I also haven’t seen it talked about much when it comes to relationship advice. 

So yeah, here’s what I’m very consciously doing because I want my relationship to be healthy if it’s going to exist at all: 

1. I’m not pretending to be anything I’m not. This isn’t to say I have zero filter--if an unkind thought pops into my head, I still try not to say it out loud. But I’m not pretending to like things I find boring, or to be okay with behavior I find ethically dubious, or to be more relaxed or cool or whatever than I am, or any of the other many types of pretending that are all too common in the early stages of relationships when people are trying to impress one another. My significant other can take me or leave me as I am, but I’m going to be me regardless. 

2. I’m bringing up potential deal-breakers early, in both directions. Before my current significant other and I got together, there was a lot we didn’t know about each other, so after I told him I liked him, I made a list of questions that I needed answers to before making a final decision about whether to date him. (I did this after telling him I liked him because most of the things on the list would have been none of my business if dating hadn’t been on the table.) 

But I’m not just asking questions of him; I’m also answering his questions and telling him things that aren’t going to change about me, because there’s stuff about me that I don’t want him to be surprised by later. These have ranged from “I’m asexual” to “the metro area I live in is really important to me and I’m not leaving, even though you live elsewhere” to “I don’t want to have kids” to “here are some things I’ve done in the past that I’m not proud of that you might have feelings about.” I may be going overboard on this, but I would much rather we know these things about each other before we make big commitments to one another than wind up with a nasty shock later. 

3. I’m saying no when I want or need to. I was raised in a family where saying no was not encouraged, and because of that, I got into a pattern in relationships where I would do whatever was asked of me, even if I found it exhausting or traumatic--and then, often, I would get upset about doing something that was so hard on me. In recent years, I’ve realized that it’s better--both in romantic relationships and in much of the rest of life--to say no if I’m being asked to do something that I’m going to regret or resent. Depending on my reasons for saying no, sometimes I’m willing to negotiate and other times I’m not, but getting out of the habit of immediately saying yes in all circumstances has been really important for my ability to have healthy relationships. 

4. I’m speaking up when something bothers me. My family of origin doesn’t deal well with conflict, and I was very much raised to graciously accept whatever love was tossed my way, regardless of how it felt for me or which of my boundaries it crossed. Reacting with anything other than gratitude and humility was considered ungrateful. But shockingly, that’s not a good way to have a healthy relationship! Even more shockingly, a good partner will want to know when they’ve hurt you or even just bothered you. It has been hard to learn to speak up after a lifetime of being told to hold my tongue, but I’m doing it, and my relationship is so much better for it. 

I’ve said here before that becoming the best version of yourself--learning to communicate well, respect people, and handle conflict maturely--is the best way to position yourself well for a healthy relationship. This very much only works when both people are putting in the work. Everything I listed above could be twisted, punished, or taken advantage of in an abusive relationship. This is not a list of tips to keep yourself safe from someone who means badly or is less emotionally mature than you are; it’s an incomplete list of actions that can help you flourish if/when you do hit the relationship jackpot. 

I really hope you hit the relationship jackpot.