#and a few days ago my friend cancelled our plans to go to the cinema together

[izzymalec]

literally anything i plan gets cancelled i

[its-me-jessi]

I Wish I Were Her PT2

Pairing: Hvitserk X Reader

Summary:  Getting over Ivar turned out to be a lot harder than Y/N had hoped. Y/N thinks about two options, she could try out. Will one of these two options actually work out?

Introduction Part 1 Part 3

I had so much fun spending time with Hvitserk that I not once thought about Ivar for the rest of the day. I nearly was glad he stood me up, otherwise I would’ve never known how much fun his brother is. I wasn’t mad at Ivar until I received a message from him around noon the next day. Obviously, it’s been a long night for him. “I’m sorry I had to cancel our meeting. I’ll make up for it! I promise!”, he wrote and added a cute smiley face at the end. “Yeah, whatever.”, I spoke to myself while rolling my eyes at his message. I wasn’t in the mood to answer him right away, so I put my phone aside and decided to answer him as soon as I calmed down a little.

Easier said than done. The message got me all hyped up again and thoughts of him and that girl nearly broke my nerves. A few minutes ago, I was all happy and satisfied after the nice evening I spend with Hvitserk and now I was preparing lunch, rather roughly cutting the vegetables while fretting about Ivar and his new love interest. Clearly, I was jealous of her. “I bet they were all lovey-dovey yesterday. Considering the time he texted me, they had a nice evening, probably even a nice night together. Well, good for her!”, I grumbled to myself and chuck the vegetables into the pan.

While the vegetables were roasting, I browsed through several dating apps looking for a potential date. I needed to move on and get over Ivar as soon as possible, so I decided to pull myself together and give these online dating platforms a try. Why not? It can’t get much worse than a total flop, right? My goal was to eventually fall in love by which means I would see Ivar only as my best friend and no longer as something he will never be to me.

Eventually, after a lot of swiping to the left, I agreed to meet up with someone. Judging by the photos he uploaded he was a very handsome young man and the conversation we had was also very promising. At least I was confident about this date not being a total flop. The operative word is was.

In the beginning everything went well. We had a nice meal and a nice conversation at a lovely restaurant. So far, he made a good impression, and I must admit in real life he was way more handsome than on his pictures. A really good catch. I thought.

I cheered too soon. After we finished our meal and left the restaurant, we decided to go to the cinema nearby and watch a movie. We bought the tickets to a random movie and went into the almost empty cinema hall. Since we were still very much full, we didn’t order anything to drink nor to eat. We, or at least I just wanted to end the until then nice date as cozy as possible. He on the other hand had other plans. As soon as the lights went off, he started touching me and tried to get me into the mood. Immediately I realized that he didn’t intend to find the love of his life like I intended to, but to find someone to hook up with. “Would you please stop!”, I said to him while pushing his hands away. Since I wasn’t up for that, I abruptly ended the date and left him sitting there startled. Obviously, we weren’t on the same page.

“What was I thinking? It would have been too good to be true!”, I ruffled my hair and left the cinema all disappointed (more in myself than in him). I should’ve known better. Getting over Ivar by forcing myself to fall for a random guy was a nice try, but obviously it didn’t work out. “Maybe I should talk to him!”, I decided to pull myself together and be honest with him. “He will turn me down, but maybe then I can put the whole “I love my best friend”-thing behind myself.”, I thought. No sooner said than done. Almost.

I got into my car. Thank god I insisted on driving by myself and convinced him to just meet me at the restaurant. I started the car and drove to Ivar’s apartment.

I arrived quite late and from the outside of the building I couldn’t count even one light which was still switched on. He might’ve been sleeping already, but I didn’t care, I just wanted to get my confession over and done with as soon as possible. So, I rang the bell. One time. Twice. And one last time. After the third time a rather angry voice rang out of the intercom: “Who’s there and what the hell do you want?”. It wasn’t Ivar’s voice, it was Hvitserk’s. Oh dear. I felt my cheeks redden out of embarrassment. “Here’s Y/N! I’m so so sorry! I didn’t want to bother you.”, I apologized. “I just need to talk to Ivar. It’s important. Is he home?”. “It’s okay.”, his voice didn’t sound angry anymore, “come upstairs.”. He let me in by pressing the door release button.

I went upstairs unconsciously smiling and was greeted by a shirtless Hvitserk, who seemed to be still half asleep. “Ivar is in his room, but he’s on the phone with someone.”, he informed me while letting me in. “Oh, okay, then I’d rather come by tomorrow.”, I said and turned halfway towards the entrance. “I thought something important came up?!”, he looked at me questioning. “Well, kind of.”, I shrugged. Him standing there shirtless throw me for a loop. “Why go then?”, he laughed and led me into the living room. “Make yourself at home!”, he said and grabbed a shirt, which was thrown over the backrest of the sofa. “thanks.”, I stumbled and sat down on the sofa while secretly watching him putting his shirt on. I must admit, I liked the view. Either way, with and without the shirt.

“Do you want something to drink?”, he asked. I shook my head. “No, thank you.”, I declined with thanks. “Okay, then, what’s so important that it can’t wait till daytime?”, he curiously raised his eyebrows while grinning. At first, I didn’t want to tell him the truth, after all he’s Ivar’s brother. So, I risked myself with careless talk. I couldn’t make up very believable excuses this quick and eventually told him the truth. I don’t know why, but I trusted him. “I already tried to get over it by going on a date, but it didn’t work out as I hoped it would.”, I confessed. He nodded understandingly. “Well, I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell him.”, he said, “things would get awkward between the two of you!”. “I know, but….”, Hvitserk interrupted me. “Maybe your first idea isn’t that bad at all. You just have to go out with a much nicer guy.”, he suggested. “Easier said than done!”, I snorted. “Go on a date with me then!”, he grinned.

I really hope you enjoyed the second part of “I Wish I Were Her”.🤗🧡

Stay safe everyone!😇

Tagged: @ecarroll1978​ @istorkyou

[thejosh1980]

I was lookin' back to see if she was lookin' back...

Yesterday Alex, Mum and I celebrated...

It's been one year since Alex and I arrived at Mum's place in Ocean Shores, NSW Australia.

If you've read my earlier blogs in 2020, you'll know that we had a lot of trouble getting home. Between the government and airlines, at one point it looked like we'd never get here; we were stranded. I was living in constant worry, stress and hopelessness - in fact, we all were: Alex's family in Germany and Mum's family down under.

Our July 2020 flights were cancelled or rescheduled many times, and eventually we decided to buy new, more expensive flights, on another airline through an agency, which gave us some assurances we'd be on the flight. Our new flights booked and confirmed for early September.

We flew Frankfurt to Adelaide, which was not our original plan. Adelaide had no COVID, and the chance of getting on a flight and getting into the country was higher than say, Brisbane, or Sydney. We could quarantine in Adelaide for 2 weeks and then fly on to Brisbane, which is closer to Ocean Shores.

That was like.... so last year...

This area where we now live is known as the Northern Rivers of New South Wales, and when we arrived at Mum's there was no COVID in the area. We are only about 35 minutes south of the Queensland border, about 8 hours north of the big smoke, Sydney.

Now, a year on, COVID has arrived here.

It's been biting at the heals of tourists and essential workers travelling north since Sydney went into lockdown a couple of months ago.

It's not our idea of a good time.

Right now it's school holidays, which is meant to be 2 weeks of families holidaying in caravan parks and hotels, an essential part of this tourist attraction mecca. Byron Bay, Brunswick Heads, and surrounds are usually very popular places; so popular that most locals complain about how busy it gets here during the holidays. You just can't get a parking sport anywhere!

The Northern Rivers was locked down for about 6 weeks through August into September because cases from Sydney were getting into regional NSW. These regional areas affected by COVID weren't near here, but they made a blanket rule for everywhere outside of Sydney, just to be on the safe side.

Honestly, I don't blame them for the rule, regional outback Australia can't cope with COVID, there's few hospitals, beds, or COVID experience in the scrub and farm land.

Anyhow, I digress...

After those 6 weeks or so in lockdown, they lifted the restrictions here in the northern rivers (and other areas of NSW).

And now, after 2 weeks, lockdown is back on...

There are a couple of cases in the area. Snap lockdowns are the government's preferred method of containing outbreaks. Lockdown areas wherever cases pop up for a week or two (or longer) to limit exposure.

It reminds me constantly that life can change quickly at any time. I have decided I will not waste time once this current lockdown has ended (who knows when that will be). I will visit friends, family, and musicians who live close by. I want to see as many folks as quickly as possible, before another lockdown kicks in.

Besides the boring, never ending tale of COVID, there have been a few things happening this past year...

Alex has been working consistently in the real estate industry since her temporary visa kicked in late last year.

Her first job was a few more miles away than any of us locals would consider driving, and the position wasn't as enjoyable or rewarding as she had first hoped. She really dived in the deep end, and while she didn't drown, she probably needed a few swimming lessons before the attempt. It was a life lesson, one she took on board, and when a new job came up closer to home, she nailed the interview (as she always does), and hasn't looked back.

The 2nd job is less than half the distance away, strictly 9 to 5 and in a company which she enjoys. There's a strong company structure, good work ethic, and entertaining colleagues. Her supervisors, colleagues, and managers are all very supportive; I think she'll be sitting tight on this one for a while.

Alex has also found her creative side again, scrap book journalling, instant camera photography, and some kind of couples diary/journal/photo book too. It's become an almost nightly affair of focusing, creating, and having something to show for it fairly quickly. She's very proud of her work, and it's something she does just for herself. I don't expect you'll get a chance to see a photo of what she's done, and she likes it like that.

I had a bit of work late in 2020 and early 2021, nothing special really, but wait until the premier!! It's interesting to think that some day soon I'll be able to go to the cinema and see my ugly mug on the big screen (even if it will most likely be out of focus). I'll be on Netflix too.

Having the opportunity to be an extra on film and TV was a real boost for my confidence after being off stage for so long. I felt creative, met some great people, made some friends, and had a few bucks in my pocket. Happy days.

By jumping into an industry I hadn't been in before right after arriving here, it reminded me that Australia has a lot to offer. I found myself comparing Germany and Australia, and Australia often feels like it comes up short. This was a chance to prove to myself that there are adventures awaiting here down under.

So, I decided to go back to school.

The last time I was in a class room was in 1998!! I am studying a Diploma of Counselling, and am currently half way through my studies. I've found it very challenging, but have passed every assessment so far, and gained some handy skills too. I have a good connection with my teachers, and I really enjoy the company of my classmates; some of which I can even call friends.

I chose counselling for a few reasons, but the first step was really just a process of elimination. Besides being a freelance professional musician for several years in Germany, I had worked in offices, shops, warehouses, kindergartens and various other jobs. While I could go back into IT or something similar, I wanted to use this opportunity to try something new.

I had my fair share of mental health issues in the past (and present). I thought maybe those experiences could help me connect with folks who need support as well. When looking at course options, the counselling course stood out. So now I'm making a mid life crisis gamble that I'll pass the course, and feel confident and knowledgeable enough to take on the role that many others have taken on for me over the years.

The course has helped me find a routine too, one that I didn't know I needed, until it happened. When you're jobless and unfocused, the mind wanders, the days pass. Now my mind is focused on study, and I feel better for it.

Up until the lockdown hit, we were in class 3 days a week and then I'd study from home 1 to 3 days a week. When lockdown hit, we had to go online. However, being on the computer so much has worn me out, and I really start to enjoy those rare days where I am not looking at a screen!

To be honest, it's been challenging every step of the way, and I even thought about quitting several times in the past few months. However, my confidence has steadily risen to each challenge and I felt better for it.

That's the kind of vicious circle I enjoy.

In July I had my first live show in 13 months! In fact, to date I've only had 3 since the pandemic started! Fingers crossed I can cross the border next month and add a 4th.

I was approached by Cherry Divine to play guitar for her. It's a relatively easy gig for me. The songs are fun rockabilly tunes, Cherry sings great, and she already has a band and gigs. I'm helping her write a few songs too, for her next album. I can't thank her enough for sparkin' the fire in me to keep music alive in my life; for a while there I thought it was all a thing of the past.

With the spark has come the possibility of “The Josh” solo band coming together. While the band isn't moving at any great speed (the recent 2nd lockdown kicked in right as I was about to arrange a rehearsal), I'm finally eager to get a band together. I miss playing live, and I miss having musicians in my life. I miss the spontaneity of a show, life on the road, and crowd reactions.

I've even started to write some new material, and get those ideas on “tape”, well, on the computer. Slow and steady, between studying, family, pets and surfing, music is coming back into my life, and it feels good.

Our family unit here is doing well. Alex and I have been under mum's roof and mum's care for a year now. There are some ups and downs, but mostly I'd say they're ups... The house is big enough to give all of us space, all of us get time outside of the house (except during lockdown, I was mostly stuck at home, but that's OK for me)...

Last night we couldn't go out for dinner, but we did have take away from the local Indian which was really good, and a special treat for us, we don't eat out often.

Alex and I plan to get away every 5-6 months for a visit to somewhere we haven't been. In March we were on the “Sunshine Coast” and checked out Australia Zoo, and in June we went south to the mid north coast to pick up BB Junior.

It's nice to get out and explore. A bit hard to do at the moment, with the restrictions, but we've agreed another trip away (before Christmas if possible) is in order. Those trips are part of the reason why I came home, to see some of Australia, and I'm lucky I get to make those experiences with Alex.

It's also nice to get away from it all. I know we live in a beautiful spot near the ocean, but here, at home, there's the computers, the life and routine, and getting away keeps us fresh and focused on each other. It's definitely something I look forward to!

Speaking of BB Junior, he's almost 7 months old now, and a real character. While he's not the easiest cat to train, I've been getting a few tricks out of him, and he enjoys his time outside, with his harness and long lead. He visits his cousin each week for play time, Charlie, who is another ragdoll of a family friend who loves to play chase all day long with Junior. Alex adores Junior, and Junior adores Alex; they can't wait to cuddle when she comes home from work. He's very vocal too, so even when everyone is at work, I have someone to talk to!

Losing our little boy Mijo was a real difficult experience. I know I've written about him before, but he deserves a mention here, as he was a big part of our first year here. He was full of character and strength, he and I bonded very quickly and not a day goes by I don't think of him. He also brought Alex and I closer together. When she chose him for me, and when he passed, and all points in between, he brought us closer.

I've been focused on sport a fair bit since getting back and settling in. I bought a RowErg, also known as a rowing machine, and I row about twice a week, in addition to riding my bicycle about twice a week. I try to surf every chance I get, which unfortunately ends up being only a few times a month. It's my goal to do something sporty to get my heart rate up every day, and of late, usually I get there too. I don't really do it for any other reason than I love to snack and I can't snack if I don't do sport!

A benefit of my sport/snack workout routine is it helps me stay calm and focused and connected with those I ride and surf with.

I haven't asked Mum how she's feeling about having her middle aged son and his wife living with her recently. Maybe I should, but do I really wanna know the answer? Well, I think she's OK with it. After all, we drive her wherever she wishes! I suspect it goes a little deeper than that, and in all honesty, we enjoy each other's company.

Since Alex and I have been here, I'd like to think Mum has been living a little bit fuller life. I don't think her eyesight has deteriorated much in the past year, but we've been able to provide her with support, eyes to read the small print, driving and help with google, or something around the house. When Mum was diagnosed with celiac disease earlier this year, Alex took her shopping to check over the ingredients of Mum's favourite food, and when needed, found alternatives. It definitely made the transition to gluten free a little easier on Mum and it was a load off my mind that we were around to help her through that phase.

Winter 2021 was over before it even started. I forgot how warm this part of the world is, and I don't know why I own so many jackets! Returning from Europe, where I was wearing a jacket daily for about 9 months of the year, here it feels like, if it's really needed, and I mean if you're desperate, you might need one for 9 weeks of the year. I think the heater was on a handful of times, and the sun was shining just about every day.

I tell ya, it's some kind of paradise here.

It's been a bit difficult keeping up with our European friends and family. I sometimes find it hard to find the time to be proactive to contact the 20, 30 or more friends I'd like to keep in touch with regularly. I know our lives keep on keepin' on, but time passes by so quickly too, and next thing you know it's been 4 months since I last contacted you!

Sorry about that!

Don't take it personally, and I'll get back to you, eventually!

My overall mental health has improved over the year, I'd say it's become quite stable since I started the course. I mean, can't you tell? I write less and less in this blog, because I have less and less to process. I'm not sure if it's the fact there's a lot of self reflection that is inherently a part of doing that kind of mental health course, or if it's the routine of being a student or the new friends I've made and classmates I study with.

It could be that it's taken a year to come to terms with being back here, cause when I first arrived I felt uncomfortable, depressed and worn out... There were a lot of questions; is this a mid life crisis? What am I doing here? Will I ever feel good again? Is my music career over? What am I going to do now? Is Alex OK? Is Mum OK?

My journalling, blogging, and support from friends and family has helped a lot too this past year. Processing my thoughts in words, by clarifying and reflecting, has helped a lot. I've been trying to care for myself a bit more now and then too, I think people call it self care, sometimes I call it sport! Alex has helped me to recognise my achievements, however big or small, and focus less on what I haven't done.

I'm not perfect, but definitely improving.

I was hoping that Alex and I would be in a position to start looking at buying our own house around this time, a year in, but unfortunately, with one of us being a student and the ever rising cost of housing, we have to sit tight on that idea for a while longer. Sorry Mum, you're stuck with us.

There's been many smaller things happen during our first year here. Lots of moments of gratitude, love and support. There's some stuff we've forgotten, or that has been overtaken by something bigger. All in all, I'd say it's been a real rollercoaster home coming!

We're still here, a year on, still going strong, making motions, taking chances, being in love, talking shit, laughing, smiling, misbehaving and focusing... What more could we ask for?

Thank you for reading, for your support and love. I love you too.

Josh

[languages-and-else]

Lockdown Tag Game

Thank you for the tag, @itsfandomsgalore! <3 

Are you staying home from work or school?

Yup. Pretty much the same as you... I was at uni for like one and a half weeks last March, about a month in October (but even then only for some classes), and all the rest of the time I’ve been doing distance-learning. And also distance-teaching because I had to do both my school internships like this. :/ As for work, I tutor sometimes but I actually like online tutoring, it saves me a lot of travel time. In summer I was glad, though, that I could do my intensive tutoring courses on-site because the situation was rather relaxed. 

If you’re staying home who is there with you?

Right now I’m at my parents’ place and both my siblings and parents are here, but this is only for this weekend, most of the time I’m with my sister. My brother moved out from our sibling flat share a few weeks ago because he wanted his own place and a really good opportunity just happened to come along. 

Are you a homebody?

Meh. When I was younger, I used to be, but nowadays what I want is my own place but then to go out and see people every day. I’ve pretty much gone from introvert to extrovert and then Corona happened! Hooray! I’ve discovered that I do still recharge alone as well, and sometimes I need my evenings alone, but in the company of the right people I recharge even better. I really soak up all positive social energy, especially when I know that my social battery is going to be drained in the near future, especially by relatives, usually. 

An event you were looking forward to that eventually got cancelled?

I mean... who hasn’t got any?! I had some concerts planned, just before the pandemic started I got into poetry slams and I LOVE it, holiday plans with friends, Pride (it would have been my second and my first was so so good and I finally do not give a shit anymore), ... 

What movies have you watched recently?

I can’t remember the last movie I watched, oops... I went to the cinema twice in September/October, when the situation was still more relaxed, and saw “Persischstunden” and “Ein bisschen bleiben wir noch”, both of which I liked, but after that I don’t think I’ve watched anything... I can’t really watch movies by myself, I need company to get through one, and I’m not that into it in general. 

What shows are you watching?

None. If I watch anything, I watch whatever Norwegian TV I find, but not even that happens often. I cannot keep track of shows, I always forget that I was watching one and then it’s been so long when I finally remember that I’m not interested anymore. 

What are you reading?

Currently I’m reading “Beloved” by Toni Morrison and it’s really interesting! I got back into reading more last year, but now with my stressful semester it’s more difficult again. This is my sixth book of the year, I believe. Last year I read about 32 books, so that’s at least something! Next on my list are some books for uni and apart from that I'm going to pick up my copy of “Dracula” tomorrow!

What are you doing for self-care?

Umm, I’m trying to go outside every day, and I make a point of seeing my girlfriend around twice a week and my Contact Person Friend once a week. Apart from that, I’m trying to do creative things as often as possible, like writing on my current poetry slam text or embroidering. I also bake almost every week. 

I have no idea who might want to do this, maybe @strugglingclassicist or @happy-princess? 

[purplesurveys]

1063

survey by pinkchocolate

Have you done any of the same things as me this year? (2020 edition)

Planned a shopping spree with a friend?

Visited a shopping centre/mall? Malls are extremely commonplace here and honestly they already serve as the main tourist attractions if you find yourself in Manila, which is why Manila has never been a popular tourist destination itself (foreign tourists usually head to neighboring provinces, which is smart on their end). I’ve been to malls at least 20-30 times this year, but that’s only because of the pandemic. I probably go close to 50-70 times in a normal year.

Had lunch with a friend? Yeah I caught lunch with Angela a couple times at the start of the year. I had a one-photo-a-day gimmick on Instagram, and I’m pretty sure I have a photo of her in there during one of our lunch dates.

Ordered pizza at a restaurant? Again, at the start of the year. Gab and I loved Italian restaurants so we definitely ordered pizza several times.

Been in a department store? I needed to briefly enter one a couple of weeks ago to look for gift wrappers.

Bought pretty new lingerie?

Had coffee with a friend? Yeah Gab and I had study dates at coffee shops every single week. Now, obviously, I just take myself.

Bought DVDs?

Had a cold?

Bought toiletries as a gift for someone else?

Had dinner in a restaurant with your family? Yeah I’m fairly certain we did this at least a couple of times between January and early March. The last time I dined in anywhere was a month ago, but I was only with my parents and my siblings didn’t come along.

Had one of your kitchen appliances break? Our plumbing is a little fucked in general and sometimes we’ll have minor leaks on the floor. My dad’s knives have also gotten a bit dull, so I got him a new knife set for Christmas. But no damage to appliances.

Watched a movie at the cinema?

Struggled for food when the panic buying began? We struggled in that it was a bitch to enter the groceries at first. My dad did the grocieries for us during that time and that was back when they strictly enforced the number of people allowed in the supermarket at one time; and no matter how early he queued, there was always already a line that got there before him. He’d wait around three hours and once he was finally let in, a bunch of alleys or sections in the grocery would already be empty or at least close to becoming empty. We never went hungry or had to skip meals or anything like that, but I do remember having to make do with lesser-known brands we never used before because sometimes those would be the only options left at the grocery.

Wanted to hug a friend, but didn't because you had to social distance? I hugged Angela when I saw her a couple of days ago, and I also hugged Gab when we were still together. 

Felt afraid of Covid? My fears over it have tamed over the year, to be honest; but I’m still wary, of course. I hate it when people stand near me and I follow the safety protocols everywhere I go.

Felt afraid to leave the house? Only during the peak of the virus, from March to around May or June. Nowadays I kinda have to go out every now and then for the sake of my sanity.

Deliberately avoided watching the news because it made you feel upset? I mean I took up journ lol so I always watch the news, no matter how upsetting it can get. The one and only time I remember asking my sister to switch the channel was when there was a report on animal abuse.

Had to cancel plans for your birthday? I didn’t have plans for it in the first place, or at least I didn’t have the chance to make them yet, so I’m glad there was nothing to cancel.

Spent your birthday at home? This was the only choice I had. My birthday fell on the most serious and strictest phase of the quarantine, and this was back when nothing was open yet.

Collected a parcel from your doorstep? Online shopping is a norm for me now, lol. I used to not trust it, but now I probably buy at least one item a week.

Eaten an entire box of chocolates in one day? I don’t even like chocolate that much. That sounds so uncomfortably sweet.

Drank fruit flavoured cider?

Eaten birthday cake? Sure, we had cake for my mom’s, my aunt’s, and my cousin’s/godson’s birthdays.

Had a grandparent move into long-term care? My remaining grandparents are all fortunately still very healthy.

Kept a journal of your thoughts and feelings during lockdown? This is technically it, whether’s there’s a lockdown or not. I tried starting a journal after my breakup, but I couldn’t keep it up because my wrist strains easily from handwriting now, hahaha. I find that doing surveys suffice.

Had distressing dreams/nightmares related to the pandemic? No, but about other pressing events in my life.

Felt concerned about your financial situation? Not mine but my family’s.

Returned to a social platform that you took a break from? I left Facebook for a few months after the breakup. I’m back on it again because I had missed the memes, but I also want to permanently delete that account for good, open a new one, and just add the people I want to keep having in my circle. Like I love Gabie’s family to death but I don’t see the point in being Facebook friends with them still, and it actually feels kinda awkward now still seeing them on my list. Idk. We’ll see. I might keep my account or start a new one altogether.

Missed a past hobby or interest? I mean I missed going to malls and bars and going out with my friends, if that counts as an interest. I had to do much less of that this year.

Started a new hobby? I started doing embroidery about a month ago, and a few days ago I started working out. My body is as sore as all fuck, but at least it makes me feel good about myself. For the new year, I also plan on starting a skincare routine after 22 years of not doing anything with my face lol and maybeeee start experimenting with coffee and buy different kinds of beans just because?? Idk, I have a lot of cute hobbies planned out for next year haha I’m excited to see how it goes.

Joined some new Facebook groups? Both for work and personal purposes, yep.

Made some new friends online? I definitely like that I’ve become closer and more familiar with the survey community here. I feel like I barely interacted with anyone pre-Covid, when real life was still a bit more hectic and when it was more difficult to find time to relax and sit down and read everyone’s answers. I also became friends with Justine, Angel, and Bianca when I started as an intern at my workplace.

Felt annoyed because you saw someone without a mask? Everyone wears a mask in public, and there are always people assigned to monitor and lightly scold those stubborn enough to take their masks off. So this isn’t the case, but what I do find annoying is when people stand or walk too close to you. Just last week at the grocery this lady was close enough to be breathing down my neck when I was lining up at the cashier; being non-confrontational for the most part, it felt like being in the deepest pit of hell.

Felt like people were staring at you when you wore a mask? I feel like people are more likely to stare at people who DON’T have a mask. 

Bought new stationery? My sister has tons of stationery in her room for whatever reason; when I need one to write short notes or letters, I just ask for some from her. 

Video-called your extended family and friends? For sure. We did this a lot especially during the earlier parts of the year.

Written a letter to someone you missed?

Disagreed with the behaviour of a friend?

Felt surprised when someone wanted to be your friend? No one directly said it to me; but as an intern on my first day of the job, it was a really pleasant surprise to find that the co-interns I was going to be with weren’t boring, unemotional cogs who just aimed to do work. They were HILARIOUS from the get-go, was confused as fuck about work, and I could see they just wanted to make our tiny intern family a close-knit and happy group, to which I gladly agreed and went along with.

Bought a new pair of shoes? I got new shoes meant for my first job interview, but I haven’t gotten any brand new sneakers in a while :(

Replaced some toiletries that you ran out of during lockdown? I guess? Toiletries are necessities, so.

Bought some new books? I read new ones, but I didn’t buy them. Some I saw copies of on the internet; one was given as a gift to me.

Bought new cosmetics? I don’t use those.

Received a belated birthday present?

Received a present from a friend overseas?

Discovered a new author that you liked?

Felt like you were drifting away from people you were once close to? *A person. Yeah, well.

Found out that someone you knew had contracted Covid?  She’s a mutual friend from my high school days. We aren’t close but we’ve kept in touch by still following each other on social media. She wrote about her experience with Covid on a blog entry.

Realised you had formed a deep connection with someone? I got a lot closer with Andi both because we had to work together for our thesis and because they were there for me, unconditionally and untiringly, when I was coping with my breakup and was in rough shape.

Worried about the financial situation of someone close to you? Of my family, like I said, yes. We had to sell the Vitara because the money that pours into the household monthly isn’t enough to keep paying for it. To be fair, that car was a very big impulse buy by my dad, so we didn’t and don’t feel too bad about losing it hahaha. 

Let your guard down to someone? I don’t think so. I was on red alert this year since Gab increasingly broke my trust.

Had an issue with something on social media? Yeah, but I don’t want to get into it. That was such a long time ago and is so irrelevant now.

Felt disconnected from others? I deliberately did so three months ago, so much so that I had acquaintances I barely talked to since graduating talk to Andi and ask where I’ve been.

Changed your internet provider? We’ve had the same one for like 8-9 years now. It works pretty okay for five people who stream videos all day, so we haven’t felt the need to switch.

Felt fortunate/thankful? I mean I’m here, scar-less, and happy with myself on December 31, 2020, right?

Tried some new foods that you enjoyed? Baked sushi is so fucking good.

Re-read a book that you loved? Crazy Is My Superpower by AJ Mendez (aka my favorite girl wrestler, AJ Lee) is always a good read to come back to.

[ohmystarsy]

all the tag games I’ve been tagged in in the last few months

as the title says - I’ve finally found some quiet time to do all of them, thank you all for tagging me!!! it is always a pleasure and I LOVE those tag games, just life has been really busy recently, even more so during that whole pandemic thing.

I put all of them under read more, bc there’s  A LOT of text. the tag games include:

name ten favourite characters from ten different things, tagged by @majoris

name your seven comfort movies, tagged by @majoris and @natowe

quarantine Q&A, tagged by @ithilnarmo

20 questions about yourself, tagged by @jennyyfishh

I was tagged by @majoris​ for name ten favorite characters from ten different things (tv, movies, books, etc.), then tag ten people.

favourites are the worst! but I will try my best neverthless.

Eames from “Inception” (idk, he is flirty af but also has rly bad taste in clothes and I love that; it might be also Tom Hardy thing tho)

Thor from MCU (just. the kindest of Avengers? says women rights? struggles with what it means to be “worthy”? pls)

Cahir Mawr Dyffryn aep Ceallach from “The Witcher” (I just love evil blonds with redemptions arcs who suffer throughout the whole series bc they made some bad mistakes in the past; also yes I have always headcanoned him as blond, idk why)

Leia Organa from “Star Wars” (an Icon, what else should I add?)

James Flint from “Black Sails” (gay pirate disaster that we all deserved and it was given)

Clara Oswald from “Doctor Who” (idk I just always related to het the most from all companions that I’ve seen. I love her fearlessness, her bossy side and that she takes no bullshit from the Doctor)

Sansa Stark from “Game of Thrones” (I hate what the show did to her, but I always loved her in books; how she starts as this silly, annoying girl and then grows and grows and outgrows everyone else)

Phryne Fisher from “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries” (I just love this show and this woman; I’ve never seen a characterisation as this one; at one side she is never serious and she often plays silly woman, but that is only a facade for the world??? and she never cares about what others think of her, I’d love to be like her when I grow up, if I wasn’t already a grown-up)

Roy Mustang from “Fullmetal Alchemist” (I mean. I’ve never knew a manga character could be so hot. Also he’s a snarky bastard, but that’s what we love about him don’t we.)

(Purple) Hawke from “Dragon Age” (idk I just like this sarcastic little shit)

I was tagged by @majoris and @natowe​ to name my seven comfort movies (and god it’s gonna be difficult bc I rarely watch movies but here we go)

Inception

King Arthur: A Legend of the Sword

Lord of The Rings: Two Towers

Brooklyn 99 (I know, not a movie, but this is actually what I usually watch for comfort - I think I’ve seen season one like 10 times at this point)

Thor Ragnarok

Mamma Mia!

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

(generally when I’m in need of comfort movie I just look for some action movie this is how I roll, fighting on the screen makes me calm *shrug emoji*)

I was tagged by @ithilnarmo​ for quarantine Q&A

1.  Are you staying home from work/school? Yes, I am, although there was some battle with this (long story). Luckily the project I work on is on the final stage (it’s already being built), so it’s actually possible to do everything from home and also a team I’m on is super communicative and it all goes rather smoothly.

2.  If you are staying home, who is there with you? I live with my sister, who is now finishing her Master’s Degree, so we are in this together! (There is also occasionally a dog on our neighbours’ balcony just next to us and it’s always a highlight of a day.)

3.  Are you a homebody? Before this pandemic I thought I am, but now I think I just don’t like clubbing and partying lmao, bc I just ITCH to travel or just go outside and walk in the city and I CAN’T.

4. An event that you looked forward to that got cancelled? Well, not an event, but several of my plans for spring and holidays got cancelled. I was supposed to go the Baltic Sea and Gdańsk in spring (on seperate occassions) and then I and my friend had to cancel our holidays to Faroe Islands in May/June, because it will probably be still too early to travel.

5. What movie have you watched recently? I think it was “Escape from the ‘Liberty’ Cinema”, which is hella weird Polish movie from 1990, just after end of communism. It tells a story about a censor who starts to question his job bc suddenly the actors in the movie that is being shown in one of the cinemas rebel (inside a movie) and don’t want to play it anymore. Really weird. Really.

6. What shows are you watching? Brooklyn 99 for like tenth time.

7. What music are you listening to? Same as usual.

8. What are you reading? I’m reading “The Waves” by Virginia Woolf (my fav book ever), for a month now, bc 1) I don’t have much time now I just work all the time, 2) I read it in English and can only read like 10 pages at once. but it’s SO GOOD, guys. so good.

9. What are you doing for self care? lmao don’t have time for that. I try to take breaks from work, sometimes go outside or at least step outside to balcony (and stare at the neighbours’ dog), I cook dinner every two days and a NICE stuff, so at least food brings me joy, and I try to sleep regularly, although I do a poor job on that.

aaaaand I was tagged by @jennyyfishh for 20 questions about myself

1. Nickname: I actually don’t have any, it doesn’t work like that in Polish (Kasia is already what you’d call a nickname from my full name Katarzyna, but this is just how we call all Katarzynas) (sometimes I wonder what is the point of the full names if we never use it in speech lmao)

2. Zodiac Sign: Scorpio!

3. Height: around 170cm

4. Languages: Polish and English; I was kinda conversational in German some years ago but now forgot all of it, I’d probably understand some of Ukrainian and Russian if I really tried (was learning Russian for three years and Ukrainian is just similar enough to Polish) and learnt some Swedish too, but again, don’t remember anything rn

5. Nationality: Polish

6. Favourite season: spring

7. Favourite flower: daffodil and tulip

8. Favourite scent: verbena, petrichor, sea

9. Favourite color: yellow

10. Favourite animal: dog probably

11. Favourite fictional character: look at tag game number one on this long list : )

12. Coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee!

13. Average hours of sleep: 6-7, but my body wants 10

14. Dog or cat: both, actually; now I’d rather take cat than dog, but that’s only bc I live in small apartment and am out of it for too long

15. Number of blankets you sleep with: one??? second blanket is for really freezing winters only (like -10/-20 celcius degrees)

16. Dream tip: what does it mean even? idk man, sometimes if you wake up from rly good dream, if you think about it hard and fall asleep quickly you can still return to it

17. Blog established: probably somewhen in 2011? idk what is time anyway

18. Followers: 2051

19. Random fact: oh god idk, ok I will maybe say sth I’m rly proud of, which is that my short story was published in an anthology in year 2017. I still can’t believe my name is printed there.

(where is 20th question tho???)

ok, I am tagging for all of those above: @shirewalker @sorrydearie @natowe @cptnjaneway @iaskier @spectralarchers @majoris @jennyyfishh @ithilnarmo @ohhelga @marsza @stupidape just choose whichever of those above you’d like to do or just ignore it completely : )

[brainfoodgp]

The Seeds for Wellness Journal is written by Brain Food Garden Project’s Founder/Executive Director Sean Brennan

The Seeds for Wellness Journal is edited by Kira Labinger

“Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance” ~Samuel Johnson~

The world has completely changed as we knew it in just a matter of a few short weeks. The once crowded New York City streets are empty, conveying a post apocalyptic feel, as if they were transported into the Will Smith movie Legend, albeit, before Fifth Avenue became overrun with weeds and shrubbery, and zoo animals escaping, reclaimed an abandoned cityscape as their wilderness. The few people out walking in my neighborhood to go to the market, for example, are wearing surgical face masks. This is all extremely reminiscent of the movies we used to pay good money to see at the cinema to have the shit scared out of us, like Contagion. Now, it’s just an everyday reality that we get to witness free of charge.

Not that I have been doing much walking around lately, because 11 days have now passed since I started demonstrating mild symptoms of the COVID-19 virus. Trust me when I say even “mild” symptoms have been no walk in the park. Soar throat, check. Aching body to the point of feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus, check. Low grade fever, check. Tightness in my chest and mild difficulties breathing, check and check.

Speaking with my doctor and finding out from her just how crazy it is out there right now, made the reality of what I’ve been viewing in our Governors televised daily briefings even more real to me. They still don’t have anywhere near enough tests. So, when she told me to stay put, drink plenty of liquids and to keep her posted if my symptoms got worse, I almost felt relieved. I can’t imagine using up a test that could help someone that might really need it. All I can say is that the guilt would have been more overwhelming for me than the virus; trust me.

And yet, through all of this, signs that a majority of the human race is still overwhelmingly kind, generous, compassionate and hopeful, shines forth all around us. And, while our authoritarian, fascist President and Senate majority and collaborating Governors and some other state officials continue to demonstrate their utter cluelessness and ignorance, others have stood out and stood up for ensuring that every life counts, no matter your political party or socioeconomic status. And have stood up for their belief in science, our researchers, medical professionals and first responders. Americans have even embraced our newest heroes: the men and women that stock our grocery stores and the cashiers who check us out. Millions of people who make minimum wage, and who most people look straight through when going about their day checking off their to-do lists, are now wearing masks and risking their own health every day to continue to go to work for us.

Yes, the world has changed. And, while we have no clear idea how long we will have to continue to self-quarantine, self-isolate, and self-distance, the one thing I know and believe to be true during this pandemic is that the Mental Health Peer Advocacy work force will go down as heroes too. We are on the frontlines of this crisis every day, doing what we have always done: providing resources, listening without judgment and using our own lived experience to assist people in putting their fears and anxieties into context and create their own understanding and path to move forward when this is all over. During this great world tragedy arises our moment to shine, like a bright search light cutting through the darkness and bringing hope. When this is all over, no one will ever again be able to doubt the power of our movement, the importance of peer support and the deep and endless well of empathy we supply to our communities all around the world. What I now know for sure is that no one will ever have the right to question our relevance and our place of importance within the psychiatric medical establishment again.

Below you will find the number for the New York State COVID-19 Helpline.

BFGP Feature:

During Difficult Times Finding A Silver Lining Makes The World Seem Less Dark

Living with manic depression is, at the best of times, like riding on a non-stop roller coaster. And, at its worst, like living through a perpetual highway collision. Yet hundreds of thousands of people like myself, all around the world, do live with it and do find paths to manage their symptoms everyday. As a matter of fact, I have written about many of the tools I use personally in quite a few of these Seeds for Wellness Journals.

Whenever my anxiety spikes, so too does the potential for me to tailspin into a depression. One of the wellness tools I’ve come to rely on is looking for a silver lining in whatever is happening in my life, especially those things my mind perceives to be bad or horrific. Applying my “silver lining” rule curtails the perceived threats before they have the chance to pull me down the rabbit hole.

When I started seeing more and more people wearing masks on the train as I traveled each day to meetings for BFGP or to the Baltic Street Community Resource and Wellness Center, I honestly didn’t think much of it. After all, I had lived with suicidal ideation, many suicide attempts, and two long stays in psychiatric hospitals. It wasn’t until more and more of my scheduled work meetings were cancelled and then the call came for me to close the Center until further notice and send all of the participants home, that I started to think, “Oh, this might actually be serious”. However, even then, I thought the world might be held up for a week, two at the most!

After a week in, I knew that I was about to be living in a much different world. My calendar—my lifeline to keeping my incredibly busy life organized—started to look like a blackened, crossed-out mess. It resembled the few attempts I’ve made at filling out the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen! More meetings were cancelled, then Board meetings, then conferences I was scheduled to speak, workshops I was scheduled to facilitate. I found myself staring at an empty calendar, that used to be filled with my well-planned life, and I began to sweat.

When it sunk in that the pilot volunteer garden program, Connect-Garden-Grow, that Brain Food Garden Project was planning to role out in the spring for mental health peers, was not going to come to fruition this spring, with no end in sight for “social distancing”, that nasty, gnarled footed rabbit with talon-like claws for nails and bloodshot red eyes began to stick its head menacingly out of its hole, beckoning me towards it. And I felt myself inching closer and closer.

And then I stopped, I took a deep breath, and asked myself: “What is the silver lining in all of this for me?”, There has to be one, I thought. While taking a long, hot bath, I found it...TIME!!

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said: “I am behind on this project” or said to a friend: “Oh, I can’t meet you for drinks because I’m booked that evening for a committee meeting.”, I’d be a very well-off man. Add a dollar for every time I’ve heard a friend or work colleague say those same types of things to me. And I’d be able to retire now, move to Ireland and buy one of those quaint thatched roofed cottages by the ocean that I love looking at on Facebook!

TIME—we are all always complaining about not having enough of it. Maybe it’s to read that book you’ve been dying to read, or to cook a meal for your family, or to paint that masterpiece. And now, we have nothing but time. So, alright, I can’t meet a friend out for a drink right now. But, before I got sick, I had martinis over the phone with a friend I hadn’t seen in months. And we laughed and gossiped and had the best damned time. Another friend of mine and I, in a similar scenario, talked on the phone for over an hour. I hadn’t been able to dedicate that kind of time to our friendship since I took her out for her birthday in February!

As many of you know, because you’ve commented on it. I haven’t written a Seeds for Wellness Journal since Mental Health Awareness Month last May. I’ve also fallen behind on writing the BFGP cookbook, 33 Delicious Recipes for the Brain. Why? Because other work-related priorities got in the way and I had to employ a process of elimination. New things filled the top of the priorities list while others fell to the bottom and stayed there. And now, I’m catching up on that important work that I enjoyed doing just as well.

I’ve decided that I want to make the most out of this time I’ve been given right now. Because when the pandemic is over, and it will be over, I don’t want to look back on this moment, as the racing speedway we call life zooms back at full throttle, and feel like I squandered it. I refuse to feel like I’ve missed a golden opportunity. Call it being more mindful. Call it making the best out of a terrible situation happening to everyone right now. Or call it my silver lining—an opportunity to turn the sickness, isolation and death into something that makes me feel whole and that provides some sort of meaning to this strange time.

What silver lining have you found during the self- distancing and mandated isolation we are all living through with the COVID-19 outbreak?

Baltic Street Community Resource and Wellness Center: Creating A Virtual Eye In This COVID-19 Storm

As many of you know, that follow any of Brain Food Garden Project’s social media platforms, some time ago, I partnered with Baltic Street’s Community Resource and Wellness Center. Baltic Street AEH, inc. was the first of its kind—an agency, created and managed by peers, to serve peers. It was a shining beacon in the sense that mental health survivors were at the helm of steering the ship of their own recovery and destiny. Today, Baltic Street remains the largest, most respected peer-operated program in the country. Brain Food Garden Project aspires to be a peer run and operated program—for peers, by peers— as well. So, when Baltic Street AEH, Inc.’s CEO, Isaac Brown, and the Center’s Director, Sara Goodwin, and Manager, Laurie Vite, wanted to expand the Center’s nutritional programming and to create an indoor garden space, BFGP and I seemed a natural fit. I had already created a garden space for a housing program in Queens, NY. And I facilitate Feeding Our Mental Health workshops for schools and mental health programs and organizations as part of our programming.

I began to work out of the Center three days a week and, after several months, was invited to be the Center’s Senior Peer Resource Specialist. Having already fallen completely in love with the participants and the resources the Center provides for our community, I felt it was not only an honor but a joy to work side-by-side with Laurie to continue to expand my duties. It didn’t hurt that I would work only three days a week which would allow me to continue working with BFGP’s partners to build our first mental health peer rooftop garden, as well as working on other important programs and projects.

It has been an extraordinary experience! And just when we were starting to plant our indoor greenhouse for spring ( as well as having recently added a hydroponic tent) and preparing to celebrate the Center’s 10 year anniversary of serving NYC’s mental health community. The Coronavirus outbreak closed the Center, like many other organizations and businesses, until further notice.

One of the things I love most about the Center is that, at its core and heart and soul, it operates with a Peer Resource Team who work everyday in this incredibly creative space that inspires us to be at our best, “Always in SERVICE to our community.”

At the time of the “shelter in place” order, our Director, Sara had already been out on medical leave for several weeks, recovering from an arm injury. And Laurie, the Center’s Manager, would be returning from a three month family leave taking care of her 93 year old father. Her official first week back would be our second week working from home in quarantine. In several conference call meetings with Laurie, during that first week as she still took care of her father, I kept coming back to this theme in our conversations: “How can the Center still be of service to our community with our doors closed?”

First, I pitched a “warm line” where the Center’s Peer Resource Specialists could be available for anyone that needed to talk. Isolation, for many of us, can be activating. It can bring on depression and create a cycle of reliving past trauma. As I mentioned earlier, I was quarantined in my apartment for less than a week when I started heading toward falling down the rabbit hole, myself. Having been the first team member from the Center to receive my new work phone, I myself, tested out the idea for the warm line that Thursday and Friday. I realized that our Facebook page would need to become even more of a tool for providing our community resources, so I posted my work number on the Facebook page. I was super excited to hear the voices of several of the Center’s participants that first day that I tested out the idea!

Second, the Center thrives on the groups, clubs, workshops and field trips that we offer to our community. I decided to put together and pitch phone-in workshops and groups that would take place 4 days a week in the afternoons lead by our Peer Resource Team. Now, going on week three, we have expanded to two workshops a day, with both morning and afternoon sessions, starting on Monday April 6, 2020. The morning sessions, are from 11am to 12pm and our afternoon sessions continue to run from 3pm to 4pm.

Laurie loved the ideas, and after getting fast approval from Baltic Street’s Director of Operations and with the assistance of Baltic Streets incredible technical support engineer, we held our first teleconference group the Monday of the second week of the quarantine. The Center found a way to continue to be of service to our community— to literally became the “virtual” eye in the storm of the Coronavirus.

To join the Baltic Street Community Resource and Wellness Center’s Facebook page click here if you would like to donate to Baltic Street AEH, Inc. click here

The Feeding Our Mental Health Workshops are held every Tuesday from 3-4pm Call-in information is provided every Monday on the Brain Food Garden Project social media platforms as well as the morning of the scheduled groups on the Baltic Street Community Resource and Wellness Center Facebook page. And to receive a flyer of the full list of weekly group offerings by email: sbrennan@balticstreet.org

The Baltic Street Community Resource and Wellness Center Warm Line operates five days a week Monday-Friday from 10am-3pm

Warm Line Mon-Fri. From 10am-3pm

Mon. Call Peer Resource Specialist Robert Santiago at extension 917-653-5390

Tue. Call Peer Resource Specialist Christina Correa at extension 917-653-5632

Wed. Call Peer Resource Specialist Paul Wachtel at extension 917-686-9385

Thurs. Call Peer Resource Specialist Sean Brennan at extension 917-982-9747

Fri. Call Peer Resource Specialist Caitlin Haughney at extension 917-653-0408

Notes From the Resistance:

The Coronavirus pandemic has been a reminder to most Americans that our countries little experiment with Authoritarian Fascism has been an utter disaster and failure—destroying countless human lives in its wake. The resistance has been the only thing standing between even more human suffering. And with COVID-19 and the horrifying response of 45 and his collaborators, the resistance continues to be a necessary source to protect the people suffering at this time.

1 in 7 people living in the United States live with not knowing where their next meal is going to come from. Food insecurity is unfortunately a challenge that we have sadly, not been able to overcome. During the pandemic this national crisis will only expand getting worse for millions of Americans. If you have more than you need at this time. You may want to consider donating to God’s Love We Deliver by clicking here. Or another excellent organization doing incredible work is Chef José Andrés World Central Kitchen you can donate by clicking here.

Baltic Street Community Resource and Wellness Center in association with Brain Food Garden Project has created a NYC guide, Resources for Avoiding Food Insecurity During the COVID-19 Crisis. To receive a copy of this resource tool email: sbrennan@balticstreet.org

It is so very important that during this unprecedented crisis we assist our neighbors, friends , and families to avoid unnecessarily experiencing food insecurity during this crisis. The resistance is the perfect organizational tool to move this vital work forward.

Delicious Recipes For the Brain:

I love this simple crockpot recipe! I make it all winter long. I happened to make a big batch right before I got sick and it restored my soul!! First, you can roast your own chicken for this recipe. However, it isn’t a prerequisite. I make a delicious roast chicken, which recipe I’ve posted in a back issue of the Seeds for Wellness Journal click here. However, this time I bought a pre-cooked roaster from the deli section of my local grocery store. This recipe can also be made completely vegetarian by subbing out organic, sodium free vegetable stock and replacing the chicken by adding a package of Shiitake and a package of Cremini mushrooms to the Button mushrooms.

Ingredients: (Cooking time 8 hours)

(1) Whole Roast Chicken

(1) Package large button mushrooms (or a selection of your favorite mushrooms)

(1) Package of Cellery

(2) Lemmons

(3) Red Bell Peppers

(6) Peeled Whole Garlic Cloves

(2) Packages of Zucchini “noodles” (if you have the proper tool and want to shred your own you will need 3 large whole zucchini’s)

(3) Medium red onions ( if you love the flavor of onions but not their texture you could sub out 3 tablespoons of onion powder)

(2) Large containers of sodium free chicken stock (I prefer organic but that is my preference)

(2) Cups of water

(5) Tablespoons of Cayenne pepper

Crushed sea salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:

(1)Prepare your vegetables by chopping them to your liking.

(2) Pour both cartons of your chicken stock into the crockpot

(3) Add the two cups of water to the stockpot

(4) Crush and add the garlic cloves, salt and pepper, and cayenne pepper to the stock.

(5) Add your chopped vegetables and two packages of zucchini noodles to the stock.

(6) Add the roasted chicken to the center of the crockpot

Place lid on crockpot and set timer for 8 hrs. After the first 4 hours remove chicken carefully and place on a cutting board let the chicken “rest” for 30 minutes allowing your soup stock and vegetables to continue cooking.

Remove the chicken meat and skin from the carcass adding the chicken meat back into the soup. Allow to continue cooking for the remaing pre-set crockpot time.

Squeeze the juice of your two lemons into finished soup, serve and enjoy!

[wolfpawn]

Once Bitten Twice Shy Chapter 2

Previous Chapter

Chapter Summary - Tom Hiddleston, meet Paige Winters. 

Tag, @wolfsmom1

anyone else who wishes to be added to the tags, just ask :)

Tom sighed. It was the day of another invitation to the Cumberbatch’s for dinner with them and a few other friends. He hated these things, he always seemed to be the only one without a partner and as much as he loved the relaxed atmosphere of speaking to his friends and meeting new people in a private setting, he hated that he was perpetually the only one that was there alone.

Ever since his disastrous last attempt at a relationship that led to worldwide ridicule and even a song to add insult to injury, he didn’t want anything to do with certain types of woman and as much as it hurt, he did like the feeling of having someone by his side in bed at night, someone to come home to, leaving him in the depressing situation of being wary of trying to have another relationship. Everyone he met seemed to either be in a relationship or outside the age range deemed suitable to a man his age these days. He felt incredibly lonely and having other people’s happiness thrown into his face or questions regarding his lack of a partner was not exactly how he wished to spend an evening.

He thought through different excuses he could give for not going. Rehearsing, for his new play? No, he had used that before. Feeling ill? No, that was inviting bad karma. Tired? That would not really be acceptable though and he knew it. He couldn’t even pretend that he had not received the invite, Ben had asked him face to face. There was no escaping it without insulting one of his closest friends and he knew it. Sighing, he went to get a shower and see what to wear, wishing he had not been caught to go to it.

As he fixed his hair to not allow it to look so utterly wild and made sure his glasses were clean before putting them on, Tom sighed and grabbed his jacket. “Here I go, Boy.” Bobby snorted from his crate, relaxing after the jog he had joined Tom on earlier. “Wish me luck, who knows, I might not be the only lone stag tonight, there’s no harm in hoping, is there?” He was doubtful but there was a chance, however small.

*

“You’re late,” Ben commented as Tom walked in the door of his friend’s home.

“You said eight.” He checked his watch. “Two minutes past, really, are you holding that against me?”

Ben chuckled before embracing his friend. “How are you?”

“Tired.”

“I love theatre productions, but they are exhausting, both to do and the run-up.”

“I am, really, Zawe and Charlie are wonderful people, they really are and I loved working with them but it is draining,” Tom confessed. “How about you?”

“Nothing much really, being a father and a husband mostly of late, getting organised for future work, spending time with Mum and Dad, it’s all really family stuff for the most part. This is the first real chance I have had to actually see people outside of that in a bit so needless to say, that’s why I couldn’t listen to excuses for you not to be here. You missed the last two and that’s not right.”

“I literally was out of the country for one of them.” Tom’s tone was slightly defensive. “Besides, I am the only one to ever turn up to these things alone, I am awkward to seat in it all.”

“Well, Paige will be glad you’re here, she has been the only one here alone the last two times.”

“Paige?” Tom frowned before recalling the name. “Paige Winters, the author, right?”

“That’s her. Sophie was finally able to convince her to actually come to one. She used to come before. You may have seen her at the wedding, I’m not sure. She’s something else.”

“I don’t recall her to see but I recall you mentioning her. I thought you said something about Sophie helping her with her wedding?”

Ben’s face fell slightly. “Yeah, don’t mention that. She came home a day early from dealing with a discussion to do with making “Time to Fly” into the movie in LA, that one with Gerard Butler, yeah, that. She walks in, and there’s her fiance, Derek, fucking another woman in the bed she paid for, in the house she paid for and then to add insult to injury, the fucker tried to sue her because she was paying his college course and cancelled the payments after and he thought she should continue to do so for some unknown fucking reason.”

Tom tried to process what he just heard. He simply nodded slightly and decided to say nothing on it as there was nothing he could say. “How long ago was that? That movie is in cinemas now I thought.”

“About two years ago. Yes, we went with her to see it at the premiere. Not as good as the book, but hey, they rarely are, right?”

Tom nodded slightly, grateful to at least have someone else there that was not shoving a happy partnership in his face, however sad it was that it was because of the reasons it was. A thought suddenly occurred to him. “You’re not trying to set us up, are you?”

“You, and Paige? That would be an exercise in futility if there ever was one.” Tom’s brow furrowed at the manner in which Ben scoffed at the mere thought of such a thing. “Paige seems to think that her experience with one utter shitbag is enough to last her a lifetime, she’s not the least bit interested in another relationship, so no, no one is playing matchmaker tonight.”

Relieved that he was not going to be embarrassed or made feel awkward by someone who had the idea of something more, Tom relaxed considerably. “Well, who else is here?”

As it turned out, there were three other couples there, Robert Rinder, who Tom knew from Ben’s wedding, and his partner, Sophie’s bridesmaid Rhian and her husband, Patrick, who he had met a few times and Gerard, another of Sophie’s work friends, and his wife Joanne. Relieved, Tom noticed that in fact, Paige was alone also. The manner that the table was set, she was on his left with the table’s corner between them, Ben to his right. She assisted Sophie with the food, and according to Ben and Sophie with the cooking, as Ben’s veganism did not lend well to the cooking of some of the parts of the meal. When commended by the hosts for her assistance, she merely shrugged and stated it was no issue, she was doing nothing during the day anyway, merely browsing shops. Not wanting too much attention on herself, Paige simply took the praise and said nothing as she drank a large gulp of wine and gave a polite smile.

The talk was pleasant through the meal, Robert telling them of shows he was having to do, leaving the table laughing more than once at the madness he was forced to oversee. Sophie and Gerard explained to Ben what they had planned for a show, it was interesting to listen to it all. Tom was asked what was on the cards for him now.

“A play, in Harold Pinter’s, one of his, Betrayal,” He explained. There seemed to be a momentary pause at the table, with everyone knowing Paige in some manner and Derek’s actions, they seemed to all wish to say something or look at her but they decided against it. “So that will be exciting.” He decided to continue as though there was nothing in what he said that could be construed in any other manner.

“I always found his work boring on paper, perhaps the play will be better,” Ben commented.

“The same can be said for most plays, in all fairness. Often the actions required to animate it are not written so it lends sterility to it. In books, you are not writing for it to be seen physically, but in the mind’s eye, so you add more actions in the writing.” Paige added. The table nodded in agreement. “But yes, of Pinter’s works, it’s not his finest. But that is probably because it is written by an adulterer from the perspective of the one of whom is being cheated on, so his thoughts are not truly in line with that of the one he is attempting to be.”

“You’re biased,” Gerard dismissed, having known Paige through Sophie for a few years. “You compare most things to Shakespeare and Yeats.”

“It’s not my fault there are better playwrights.” She shrugged. “We are all compared to our contemporaries, as well as the greats before us, regardless of our field. How many times have you two been compared, even in the same films though you both have different acting styles.” She indicated to Tom and Ben, who both nodded.

Tom studied her for a moment, realising that as much as he had met this woman from time to time, as well as heard her referenced more than once, and paid little heed to her. He had heard her partner at the wedding reception in the bathroom complaining about not being able to do something more “entertaining”, that he had to be at a “stuffy wedding”. He had, by extension, assumed that though Paige was happy to be there for her friend, by being with a man of such a character and seeming happy with him, she had been of a similar opinion. The manner in which she spoke was far more educated than he had thought her to be before. Feeling a pang of slight guilt at dismissing her previously, he remained silent and waited for the conversation to alter to someone else, which it did soon after.

The rest of the evening was incredibly pleasant. Tom listened more than once to Paige speak and realised just how intelligent and well-read she was. Wanting to get to know her better since Ben swore her to be an incredibly trustworthy confidente for Sophie and by extension himself, as well as a wonderful friend. In a world filled with so many pretenders and such for people in his position, a true friend was always something he wished for. He had a select few friends, that circle had not seemed to grow much since he rose to fame. There were a few people he thought he could trust, he was wrong, sadly. Paige and her pleasant demeanour and interests were something he would like to see more of.

He assisted Ben in cleaning since most of their friends had left already. He felt it a good idea to assist as he usually did. “So?” Tom raised his head to look at his friend as he spoke. “Did you enjoy the evening?”

“More than I thought I would,” Tom confessed. “Thank you.”

“I worry about you sometimes.” Ben looked Tom in the eye as he spoke. “I know you don’t need babysitting, and I am definitely not the one to do it if you need it but as your friend, I think you don’t socialise as much as you should. I know you suffer from the same as us, trust issues. But that’s why we only allow certain people here. I mean, Gerard, Rob, their partners, Paige, we could admit anything to them, same as with you, and it stays with them.”

“It’s good to actually not have to worry about talking for a change.” Tom acknowledged.

“It’s a rare occurrence these days.” Ben looked at the dishes. “I better bring these into the kitchen.”

“I’ll get these, you grab the other lot.” Tom took a pile of plates and made for the kitchen, pausing for a moment when he heard Sophie talking inside.

For a moment, he had thought he was the only one to remain behind, but the voice to answer his friend’s wife told him he was wrong. “Thanks for helping today.”

“You didn’t give me much of a choice.” Paige scoffed.

“I asked were you busy.”

“No, you did that ‘are you busy?’ in a way that says bar dying, you need to get here now.”

“You said you were just shopping.”

“It was an important shop.”

Sophie laughed. “Dare I ask?”

“I was in Ann Summers, looking at toys.”

“For goodness sake, Paige.” Sophie laughed more. “I thought you were not interested in relationships these days.”

“I’m not, hence purchasing other ways to get an itch scratched.”

“You are so vulgar, sometimes. I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“I’m not apologising for it.” It was clear from her tone, Paige was unashamed to declare her actions.

“Get a guy, it’s far more fun than that, he’s also some company.”

“How about I get a toy and a dog, that seems to cover those bases? Dogs don’t cheat. Look, Soph, I tried after Derek, I told you that, but all the decent guys are taken.”

“Not all of them could possibly be, it’s mathematically impossible.”

“Well, I sure as Hell can’t find them and if I’m honest, I am better off this way.”

Tom didn’t know Paige well enough to say he could tell how good a liar she was, but the manner in which she declared her being “better off” was by no means convincing. Not wanting to wait any longer for fear that Ben would arrive and think him eavesdropping, something he would try not to admit to himself he was actually doing, while also waiting to rescue a clearly less than happy to be discussing her personal life Paige from Sophie’s concern, he walked in nonchalantly into the room. “Where do I put these?”

For a moment, it was clear the women were wondering how much he had been privy to of their conversation but with him acting as though nothing was out of place, Sophie moved some dishes out of the way and indicated for him to put them there. “Thank you, Tom.”

“Of course, anytime. I could hardly walk off and not assist after you lovely ladies did so much to make it a pleasant evening.”

“I think he’s trying to charm you,” Paige teased to Sophie as she walked over to the plates to rinse them before placing them in the dishwasher. “Ben will have to be careful.”

Seeing that she was clearly jesting, Tom chuckled, “Guilty, you caught me.”

“Don’t encourage her,” Sophie warned. “Have we all the napkins?”

Tom frowned as he tried to recall whether he had seen anymore. “I think so but I cannot say for certain. I can check if you’d like?”

“No, you’ve done enough, I’ll check.” Sophie walked out of the room without a second thought.

“Thank you, for the food, I mean.” Tom didn’t know what to say to Paige and did not want her worrying over a strained silence.

“It was their dinner, not mine.”

“But Sophie said you helped. I know Ben’s attempts at cooking, you did us all a great service.”

Paige snorted as she tried and failed to prevent herself from laughing. “He makes some nice food….for rabbits.” Tom laughed in response. “It’s great to see them though. I try to avoid these things. I think Sophie is trying to mother me slightly, force me into human interaction.”

“Well, a writer is probably prone to forgetting society sometimes, I would imagine.”

“Not really.” Paige shook her head slightly for a moment before pausing. “Okay, on occasion….fine, a lot. Yes. I went one week once without seeing anyone bar the Tesco delivery guy. But in my defence, I was finishing a book, so I did need to concentrate.”

“I could well imagine. I am the same learning scripts. It’s half the reason I got Bobby, it forces me out of the house.” The confused look she gave him reminded him she had no idea who Bobby was. “My dog, Bobby’s my dog.”

“Ah, that makes sense. It’s also not a bad idea. You can’t ignore society if you have to walk him.”

A silence fell over them again for a moment before Tom thought of something. “Listen, I know this sounds odd and to be honest, probably not a topic you wish to discuss, considering, but for this play, I play Robert and I know I may sound like an utter fruit and nut case but I have never been cheated on, thankfully.”

“Lucky you.”

“Yes, thankfully. But I want to get it right. You stated earlier that performance is required to bring a role to life in plays, how Pinter could not get it a hundred per cent right because he does not know the perspective. I cannot give that experience to this role and I was wondering if...fuck this sounds so peculiar, I am sorry, please, forget I said anything.” Tom could not believe what he had just attempted to ask of her.

“No, it makes sense. I mean, you are a great actor because you invest yourself into roles. You have brought weak roles to prominence. I remember watching ‘I Saw the Light’, the film was not the strongest but you nailed it, a hundred and ten per cent.” She paused for a moment and thought to herself. “Yeah, if you’re asking what I think you’re asking, the answer’s yes. You can pick my brain over it.”

Tom could not believe she both understood what he was asking but his reason for doing so. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Well, it is quite late right now, so how about we meet up and discuss it soon? Nothing untoward, we can meet in a cafe or something?”

Paige’s face scrunched slightly in dislike.“I am not a fan of public appearances. I know that sounds weird but with the movie and everything, I just...I don’t want to be tabloid fodder.”

“I completely understand. Perhaps we could discuss this at mine? I can make you something...I swear I am a better cook than Ben.”

“That wouldn’t be hard, milk and cornflakes would make you seem gourmet in comparison.” Tom snorted in response. “Well then,” she took out her phone. “What’s your number so we can arrange this?” Tom gave it to her and a moment later, his phone starting vibrating in his pocket. He took it out and looked at it to see it was an unknown number. Looking back at Paige, he realised she had dialled him. “So now, you have mine and I have yours.”

“An efficient woman.”

“You have no idea.” She smirked before her phone beeped. “Oh dear, I better go.” She declared as she read the message to just come through.

“Everything alright?”

“My friend’s daughter is sick and she’s asking me to help her with it.” She went to walk out the door. “Text or call and we will arrange to discuss that matter.” With a small smile, she turned and left to explain to Sophie and Ben that she was leaving.

A moment later, Ben walked into the room looking at Tom. “What happened here?”

“Nothing, I was talking to Paige for a minute, then she got a text about her friend’s daughter and rushed off.”

Satisfied that Tom had not caused Paige to flee and that their stories matched, he placed the dishes in the dishwasher, making a comment that Paige was a bigger person than he was to help with that child before talking to Tom about other matters, not expanding on it in any way.

[covid19updater]

COVID19 Updates: 08/05/2021

UK:  Vaccines to be required for open travel ‘for evermore’, says Shapps LINK

RUMINT (UK):  I lost a close friend to covid yesterday. He lost his battle after a four week ordeal two weeks in a ventilator. RIP John. Never forgotten.

Maryland:  An epidemiologist from Johns Hopkins walks into a maskless party with 14 fully vaccinated friends… 11 of 14 got breakthrough #COVID19   —so yes, even some epidemiologists had severely underestimated #DeltaVariant. @CDCgov definitely made a grave mistake. LINK

World:  JUST IN - Moderna #COVID19 vaccine: Third "booster" dose will likely be necessary prior to the winter season.

Arkansas:  This AR hospital is so short on nurses in this newest Covid-19 surge, it's offering a $25,000 signing bonus. LINK

US:  MODERNA PRESIDENT BELIEVES THERE WILL A LONG-TERM ENDEMIC MARKET FOR COVID-19 VACCINES

RUMINT (Arkansas):  My friend's husband got covid in September. He was listed as a "recovery". He is now a 52 year old man that has dementia. He worked as an accountant. He can no longer work, and they're about to lose their home. His wife, my friend, now has no feeling in her left hand. My cousin had to go on a ventilator. Thankfully, he pulled through, but he can't remember things and has difficulty remembering simple things. He's 45. Also counted in that 99% recovery.

Arkansas:  West Memphis family mourning 11-year-old who died from COVID complications LINK

Maryland:  No New Mask Mandate Despite Surge In COVID-19 Cases, Gov. Larry Hogan Says – CBS Baltimore LINK

Philippines:  JUST IN: At least 113 health workers from Mariano Marcos Memorial Hospital, Ilocos Norte’s biggest public hospital and major COVID-19 treatment center, have been infected with COVID-19, the hospital says in an advisory.

Thailand:  Thailand reports daily record of over 20000 COVID-19 infections LINK

US: Doctor:  Many of us doctors think sending the children back to school during the delta surge is insane. We have no idea what the consequences for their long-term health will be.

US:  NEW: Number of Americans hospitalized with COVID-19 tops 59,000, highest since February

UK:  BREAKING: Not wearing a face mask on the Tube should be a CRIMINAL offence says Sadiq Khan

RUMINT (US):  A mild case involved struggling for breath, constant fever, agonising chest pain and other horrid symptoms for 6+mos. Now, 16 months later I’m left with dysfunctional breathing, tinnitus, hernia, dysautonomia, waking insomnia and cognitive impairment. 49, previously super fit.

UK:  WELLS FARGO DELAYS OFFICE-RETURN PLANS TO OCT. 4 FROM SEPT. 7

Libya:  #Libya records 1,996 new Covid-19 infections, 28 deaths in 24 hours

Georgia:  Tyler Fairley, 17, high school student, football player, beloved son, Douglasville, GA, died of #COVID19 on August 1, 2021. He was known as a gentle giant. Tyler would have started his senior HS year soon; planned on going to college & continuing his promising football career. LINK

California:  COVID cases surge at highly vaccinated nursing homes - WEHOville LINK

US:  Rolling 7-day average of daily coronavirus cases in the U.S.: 4 weeks ago: 15,219 3 weeks ago: 26,894 2 weeks ago: 41,205 1 week ago: 66,633 Today: 97,522

California:  Los Angeles County reports 3,734 new coronavirus cases, the biggest one-day increase since February

Thailand:  Thailand reports 20,920 new coronavirus cases, the biggest one-day increase on record, and 160 new deaths

Japan:  Tokyo reports 5,042 new coronavirus cases, the biggest one-day increase on record

Louisiana:  Kids and COVID—Dr Mark Kline at Children's Hospital New Orleans: "#DeltaVariant is every infectious disease specialist's worst nightmare. There was a myth—that children were somehow immune—It has become very clear that children are heavily impacted"

Hawaii:  Twenty hospitals from across the state report they’re in desperate need of help. LINK

RUMINT (Arkansas):  I just found out that my great-nephew is in the ICU unit in Little Rock with COVID. He’s a week old. A tiny, innocent little baby who now may never have a chance. I’m holding lawmakers responsible for this. Never dreamed I would see politicians sacrifice children for re-election.

Florida:  As COVID admissions spiral, Memorial Health in South Broward suspends elective surgeries

California:  L.A. will consider requiring vaccine proof at restaurants, gyms, indoor sporting events LINK

World: Lambda Variant:  yes, a few countries and areas reporting more Lambda, including some bits of Spain

Philippines:  Lockdown reimposed in Manila from midnight, to slow spread of Delta variant across capital, adjacent provinces may be pulled into LD, if health facilities are overwhelmed. Thousands arrived to try to sites before curbs come into force for next two weeks;

China:  Large-scale events and exhibitions are being cancelled or postponed in China’s capital, Beijing, as cases of the coronavirus continue to grow in the country. The Beijing government has today stressed events taking place in August should be cancelled, and public places such as parks, cinemas and libraries should now start limiting the number of visitors they have.

World:  Azithromycin in patients with Covid-19; a systematic review and metanalysis Conclusions: These results presented in this review do not support the use of AZM in the management of Covid-19. They also show that any harm caused to the patient who received it is unlikely. Future research on treatment for patients with Covid-19 may need to focus on other drugs. LINK

World: More Data Point to Lambda Variant’s Potential Lethality LINK

US:  Florida and Texas recorded one-third of all US #COVID19 cases in past week, latest figures show. @marthakelner reports from Jacksonville where the number of unvaccinated young people hospitalised with coronavirus is on the rise. 

US:  The United States is working to give additional COVID-19 booster shots to Americans with compromised immune systems as quickly as possible, as cases of the novel coronavirus continue to rise, top U.S. infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci said Thursday. LINK

US:  Amazon is delaying its return to the office for corporate employees until 2022, adding to the wave of companies adjusting their plans amid a Covid-19 surge LINK

Singapore:  From 16 Aug, Unvaccinated persons to wear a unique visual identifier at all times at worksites (Nazi Germany, anyone?)

Texas:  COVID-19 cases continue to climb in Taylor County, newest deaths include young mother who gave birth in ICU LINK

Spain:  Over 2,000 people who attended three major music festivals without social distancing last July later tested positive for Covid-19 Health authorities have since regretted authorizing the events LINK

Florida:  Official: State refuses to give daily coronavirus data to Seminole County LINK

Texas: Harris County Manager:  NEW: I’ve ordered our COVID19 threat level to be moved to RED due to severe and uncontrolled spread in Harris County. If you’re unvaccinated please stay home. Everyone please continue to wear a mask in public.

US:  BREAKING: Number of Americans hospitalized with COVID-19 tops 60,000, highest since February

Op/Ed:  As experts have been saying all along, “A #vaccine-only strategy is short-sighted and reckless”. Ventilation, test/trace/isolate and masking are all necessary. So basically, not trying to stubbornly return to “normal” before it’s safe to do so. #COVID19

World:  CVS Health Embraces mRNA Vaccines LINK

South Africa:  To date, 17 members of South Africa’s parliament have died due to #COVID19

US:  Republican lawmaker Ralph Norman, who's suing Pelosi over a $500 fine for not wearing a mask during a floor vote, says he has Covid-19  (via AP) LINK

Florida:  Florida children's hospitals see pediatric COVID-19 cases soar LINK

World:  Regeneron Pharmaceuticals Inc (REGN.O) reported a more than tripling of its quarterly profit on Thursday, buoyed by robust demand for its COVID-19 antibody cocktail. LINK

Italy:  Italy makes COVID-19 health pass mandatory for teachers LINK

September:  NEW: California will now require workers in healthcare settings to be fully vaccinated against COVID-19 by September 30th.

UK:  Reduced service on Manchester Metrolink trams due to COVID-19 absences

Canada:  Alberta reports 397 new COVID-19 cases, 1 death LINK

UK:  An estimated 945,000 people experienced self-reported long COVID in the 4 weeks to 4 July (where symptoms persisted more than 4 weeks after the first suspected infection) LINK

Israel:  Doctor: "95% of the severe patients are vaccinated". "85-90% of the hospitalizations are in Fully vaccinated people." "We are opening more and more COVID wards." "The effectiveness of the vaccine is waning/fading out" (Dr. Kobi Haviv, earlier today on Chanel 13 @newsisrael13 )

Massachusetts:  Mass. reports 1,046 new COVID-19 cases, 2 new deaths (http://Boston.com) The state also reported 264 hospitalized COVID-19 patients. 

Alabama:  Alabama’s COVID positivity rate at all-time high. Health leaders want to see it under 5%. The state is currently over four times that rate. Back in June, for one day Alabama’s positivity rate dropped down below 4% to about 3.8%. This week, the state is setting records just about every day. “On the worst day of the pandemic, we were at 22.6%. Yesterday, we exceeded our previous record and Thursday we exceeded yesterday’s record,” said Dr. Don Williamson with the Alabama Hospital Association. Alabama is now standing at 23.6% - an all-time high.

US:  NEW: Number of Americans hospitalized with COVID-19 tops 61,000, highest since February

Australia:  NSW recorded 291 new locally acquired cases of COVID-19 in the 24 hours to 8pm last night.

New Jersey:  Gov. Phil Murphy is set to announce that New Jersey students in grades K-12 and staff will be required to wear masks in schools. It's a reversal from a few weeks ago when Murphy said it would take a “deterioration” of COVID-19 data to require masks. LINK

[jemariel]

Sherlock, Supernatural, and How I Am Trying to Take Shipping Less Seriously

I want to tell my story. 

(tl;dr: I have a lot more fun with shipping when I don’t worry about whether or not it will ever be canon. OR: Never put that much faith in the hands of showrunners. It always ends BAD.gif)

I wrote most of this post months ago and it’s been rotting away in my drafts since maybe March? It seemed like a good time to actually post it. This is my own personal perspective, where I’m coming from on this. Obviously everyone’s feelings and opinions are 100% their own and I respect that. We’re all coming from somewhere.

Soooo. I’ve been lurking in various fandoms for a long time. I started in 2001, when I was 14. I’ve seen a lot of changes in fandom and the internet and how we interact with our favorite media. Now seemed like a good time for me to sort through this.

My first OTP was in Highlander. It was, for all intents and purposes, a dead fandom when I arrived. The show had been cancelled 5 years before I even discovered that other people wrote and posted their fanfiction, and one half of my pairing was dead for the final series. The pair I read about maybe shared half an hour of screen time through the whole three seasons they were both in the show? They had very little plot interaction at least.

I didn’t care. It didn’t stop me from reading about them. Didn’t stop me from wanting to put them in the same room and see what happened – usually them getting on like a house on fire.

The point is that we were under absolutely no impression that they would ever become canon. There was literally no possibility for it. But that didn’t matter. We could do what we wanted. We were just having fun.

After Highlander came Harry Potter. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. I don’t remember if I started shipping them before or after the 4th book but it was definitely long before the 5th book. This was the first time I had the inkling that maybe, possibly, JK Rowling might have actually intended them to be read that way. This is where I read my first meta, before it was called that – someone who went through the books and pulled out excerpts that made a person think. Wow that eye contact really did linger, I thought. Maybe that embrace wasn’t strictly brotherly, I said to myself.

At the time, queerbaiting was not even a word in the vernacular. So when the 6th book came out and Tonks and Remus became the most eyebrow-raising pairing I’ve ever encountered, I just shrugged and went on with my life. Sirius was dead anyway so this really changed nothing. I liked Remus the gay uncle werewolf, but bisexual was fine too. I mostly wrote and read about them during their school days anyway. So this was fine.

Eventually I moved on, and where I landed after that was in the grand daddy of all slash pairings, the first fandom in our current fanfiction zeitgeist: Star Trek, the Original Series. Kirk and Spock. This was still a couple of years before the 2009 reboot movies, so all I had was a cheesy 60s TV show with a venerable back catalogue of fanfic. What’s better, this ship could never be sunk! Of course they couldn’t ever be canon, it was the 60s. Times were different. I could ship them with fervor and never be disappointed because of course it was just our interpretation. … Wasn’t it?

Oh, Gene Roddenberry. You idealistic sonuvabitch. You created the Vulcan word “t’hy’la” specifically for Spock to use for Kirk, and you made it mean friend, brother, and lover? Was that really necessary or were you trying to tell us something?

Here I found more fledgling meta, and I went through the novelizations of the movies with a highlighter devouring every piece of evidence I could find. But while this ship was unsinkable, it would also never fly. Even if Roddenberry had intended this, or supported it after the fact, prejudice surely had kept his intentions in the background. Subtext was our friend. We could work with subtext. The subtext wove a gay love story the likes of which we haven’t seen since the ancient Greeks. I was happy with that.

But then.

2010. Sherlock.

I knew going into it that Holmes and Watson were the greatest love story never told. I figured it would be a fun pairing for a while. But oh. I was not prepared. And oh, be still my beating heart, the Angelo’s scene! If I recall correctly I actually sat up straighter in my chair at “so you’ve got a boyfriend then”/”No.” Could they… could he? Did they actually…? Was this written for… me? For us? Could we, the weird little corner of the fandom be right for once?? The slash shippers, the queer kids, the ones who had been peering between the lines for decades to try and catch glimpses of ourselves in our favorite stories?

I buried the thought for a few years, devouring Johnlock fanfic like it was my job, my civic duty, my vocation. I waited patiently for each new series. But I never actually expected anything to come of my hopes until after season 3.

Bet you guessed it. TJLC had caught me like a spark in dry grass. The few analyses I’d read before were NOTHING compared to this. Suddenly it all seemed so possible. So real. After The Abominable Bride it seemed like there was nowhere else to go, nowhere to go but up. We were right. WE WERE RIGHT! For a whole year, we got to relish the thought that it might actually happen.

…………….. Season 4 was… tough. It felt like a slap in the face, all of our hopes thrown back at us with ignorance at best, cruelty and direct malice at worst. If it had been a good season on its own without canon Johnlock I might have been okay, but as it is….. It was not the first time I’ve had my heart broken by a TV show, and probably only seems like the worst by virtue of being recent. But I would very much like it to be the last.

A few months before diving head-first into the pre season-4 gear-up, I watched a few seasons of Supernatural. Just enough to meet Castiel and lay the groundwork for a Destiel obsession as a contingency plan for if season 4 of Sherlock went all pear shaped. I’m glad I did or I don’t know where I would have found my refuge.

But I started to notice something. From my earliest wading in the Destiel end of the tumblr pond, I shied away quickly from any discussion of evidence, subtextual clues used to make predictions, or whether or not Destiel could or should or will be canon. I still take all meta and spec I read with a healthy pinch of salt. I am trying very hard not to care about whether or not it becomes canon, because honestly? I miss the days when whether or not a ship was canon or had a snowball’s chance of ever becoming so had absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I shipped it.

Fandom is just one of many echo chambers that the internet has molded around every one of us. It is so easy to become convinced that our way is right and everyone else’s way is wrong, because we only hear our own voices and those of people we agree with reflected back at us.

We are not the arbiters of what happens in canon. The showrunners are NOT obligated to listen to us. Not everyone can be right, and the showrunners cannot listen to everyone. Nor should they. They are, for better or for worse, creating their own story. Not ours.

We can always write the story the way we want to, over and over in countless different ways. These days I see a show almost more as a set of toys to play with than as its own impermeable whole. I can believe that Dean and Castiel have been slowly falling in love over the course of the last decade. I can decide when and where I want them to have first admitted it, to themselves or each other. What’s more – I can change my mind. Some days I like believing that they’ve been together since Cas’s hand print was still fresh on Dean’s shoulder. Some days I’d rather believe that they’re still pining and in various states of denial. Or anything in between – it’s all equally valid. Once it’s said and stated in canon, that’s it. That’s the show. That’s how it happened. I like the freedom I have when my ship is not explicitly canon. The best is when they are clearly aware of it and give us moments like the mixtape or the Fanfiction Gap of 9x06 – new toys to play with – but let us shape what’s actually going on. As I say in my tags sometimes: They clearly love us and want us to have nice things.

All of this is NOT to say that up-and-coming queer kids do not richly need and deserve representation. God, not at all. I beat myself up about this a lot, for what feels like a terribly selfish desire to just enjoy it and not worry about whether or not the up and coming queer youth could have it better than I did. They can and they should and I still believe that season 4 of Sherlock was the biggest missed opportunity in queer cinema history.

I just can’t take it so personally anymore. For the sake of my favorite hobby, I cannot stake my enjoyment of a pairing and a show on whether or not the showrunners want to take the risk. I cannot let them dangle me on that particular string. I cannot give them that power over me. 

So this is my manifesto, for me personally. If Destiel becomes canon? I will be over the moon. But I will not go hunting for it. I won’t expect it. I will cherish every gift that the showrunners give to us because they’re not obligated to give us a damn thing, so I can’t take what they do give us for granted. I will live my headcanons, write my fics, and I will love the show for what it is, warts and all. I will ship my ship, enthusiastically and with my whole heart, because it brings me joy to do so. Canon or no canon. @starsinursa @daughter-of-the-rain-and-snow

[madehq]

Digital Here to Stay 

At 1AM on Friday, October 9th, I got a group text from a playwright friend: Broadway was once again pushing back its reopening date to June 1st, 2021. 

I wish I could say it came as a surprise. Only a couple weeks earlier the Metropolitan Opera cancelled its 20/21 season, and anyone who’s remotely considered event logistics in the past 6-7 months could rattle off a hundred hurdles involved in reopening any kind of venue. That list grows exponentially when the venue houses a minimum of 500 people in a city where you’re lucky to get 6 inches let alone 6 feet. Rather than shocking the community, this announcement reiterated once again that the performing arts industry will be one of the last to return. So it’s time for organizations to ensure their digital solutions are going to service long-term needs, and seize underlying opportunities.

One Step at a Time

Performing arts’ biggest strength has been the live in live theater. It’s a double-edged sword: creating economic barriers and gatekeeping for many, but also generating a unique high for those that are able to experience it even on a small scale such as school recitals, or indie theater. At the beginning of the pandemic, artists at every level of the industry rapidly pivoted to produce content without its biggest strength. 

Zoom became prevalent not just for teleconferencing, but for digital events and classes. One of the most common requests I’ve gotten in the past few months is “can we embed a Zoom link in our order confirmation?” (the answer is “yes”). But while artists explored radio dramas, wrote plays specifically for digital forums, held digital festivals, and tried to make do, the focus was always on what it would look like to return home. As often as I’ve been asked about embedding links in confirmation emails, many organizations have opted to hold off on radical changes because of the ever shifting landscape and the knowledge that the current state of affairs is temporary. 

Last Friday’s announcement makes it clear that “temporary” is going to last a lot longer than we hoped. Even regions that are beginning to reopen for outdoor or distanced performances need to find a way to cater to patrons that cannot safely return to venues, and contend with the impending arrival of winter. This is no longer about creating a safety checklist, and measuring the width of seats. Top to bottom, organizations must consider digital viability in all programming for the next year. We can no longer say “hold, please” to infrastructure changes that will support the performing arts during the rest of this pandemic, particularly when it has the potential to increase accessibility across the board.

Plan Ahead

Distance makes planning even more important than when leadership was able to collaborate in person. In a normal year, every production season is planned to suit a wide variety of audiences, tastes, and artistic messages. Once shows are selected, resources are allocated and accounted for. A formal delay in the return to venues means these conversations now need to include digital logistics. Content curation must consider what pieces will work best when performers must be distanced or in completely different locations. Think carefully before slating a piece that requires physical intimacy or confrontation, consider smaller pieces over large ensemble productions.

No matter what content is selected, organizations should get in the habit of identifying opportunities for content creation. For many organizations, the Watch & Listen section was a repository for the passionate user, and good for SEO, but not a priority. Other organizations were only able to record content for archival purposes rather than public consumption. The early days of the pandemic quickly revealed this produced a gap between the potential of the digital space, and the available content. As we continue to oscillate between digital and physical spaces, and reach out to patrons who cannot safely attend performances, generating assets and high quality recordings will be a priority.

A 5-Star Hotel, not a Bates Motel

Digital content is a great way to continue to foster relationships with patrons while in-person interaction is limited or impossible, so organizations must ensure that the experience is a positive one. If you don’t have a natural home for videos already, start having conversations with hosting platforms to see which might be the right fit for you and your website. Consider whether you want to make the jump towards OTT platforms which allow users to access content on other devices rather than being tethered to a phone or computer. Whether you’re new, or a seasoned digital veteran, keep an eye on analytics to identify pain points in the digital path. Ensure that the journey through your content is a curated, and welcoming experience for patrons. Just as you would provide users with additional event information before expecting them to book, avoid abandoning users in a vast sea of videos with no context. Your event pages likely don’t bury the link to purchasing tickets, similarly your video landing pages should make it easy for users to choose what they want to watch and navigate to other recommended content. 

Nice to E-Meet You

While it is tempting to stick with known, and familiar faces during uncertain times, the pandemic has also raised a fear that the performing arts will become even more exclusive. Organizations must take advantage of the opportunity to diversify and expand their network of collaborators and audience members. With no additional travel or housing costs, organizations can now reach and collaborate with people that would have been inaccessible before. Use this to your advantage - increase the diversity of the artists you work with and collaborate with organizations around the world that are succeeding in producing theater that represents their audience. Revel in the fact you can now compete for audiences that are outside a one hour drive of your venue. Expand your community and make your art more accessible to everyone so that when we are able to return, you’ll have an even wider community. 

White Noise or Unique Contribution

The performing arts doesn’t have to beat Netflix at its own game, we need to stand apart. Before the pandemic every million dollar media company in entertainment was already entering the “streaming wars.” 10 years ago there was Netflix and YouTube, now there is a specialized streaming service for every channel and category of content clamoring for people’s cash and attention. It can be daunting for nonprofits to enter the ring without the massive production budgets available to cinema and television unless you remember what makes live art precious. 

A live event is a unique blend of elements that can be recorded, but never be replicated. Even shows with extended runs will never have the same performance twice whether it’s a stubborn wig, a backstage prank, or the crash of thunder outside. Live art is real. There’s no CGI, no second take, it is all happening before your eyes. Hollywood spends millions of dollars every year trying to replicate reality by using extended takes and marketing multi-class actors doing their own stunts. I’ve binged more Netflix than I care to admit during the past 7 months, I’ve cried and cheered at my local AMC, but theater brings an audience together down to its pulse. And I get the same buzz of nerves before a digital performance that I did putting on my makeup in a utility closet turned green room, because live art done right is lightning in a bottle. 

Nothing can be accomplished overnight. Everything I’ve mentioned is a long term commitment to the digital sphere, and there will be many trials before we reach tribulations. No matter how successful, none of this will replace live theater. It never could. Under the current timeline, Broadway will be shuttered for a total of 14 months, and smaller theaters are unlikely to lead a charge that Broadway won’t. An entire year, both creatively and financially, will be gone and many organizations with it. Broadway’s announcement sent only the most recent national wave of grief through the performing arts industry. Audiences are hurting over the loss of these shared experiences that made up their community. Hundreds of thousands of artists are yearning not just to perform, but to create and play without endangering ourselves. We miss creating with our friends and colleagues. We miss watching their performative joy, pain, and skill. But while we grieve, reality waits, and it is your responsibility to make sure that if you can survive, you do everything possible to thrive.

[terselylove]

Depression...

My experience of dealing with social anxiety is a feeling of overwhelming fear when interacting with individuals I wasn’t comfortable with. I was unable to look people in the eye when speaking to them, and struggled to keep a conversation going. I came off as both extremely quiet and shy, as well as rude, which anyone who knows me well knows I am the opposite of.

During this period of my life my self-confidence was at an all-time low, and I felt disgusted every time I looked in the mirror. I stayed away from people as much as I could, and felt I made an embarrassment of myself whenever I went out in public. I constantly had a voice in my head saying “Why would anyone want to be friends with you? You are ugly and pathetic.”...

I love summer. Lighter evenings, longer days, warmer weather, summer dresses, perhaps even some sun if we’re lucky. Generally speaking, as seems to be common with most people I speak to –  when the sun is out, I’m in a better mood. However, as someone who also experiences periods of depression, I’ve found that this isn’t generally the case when it comes to my mental health.I’m fortunate that I’m currently in a much better place at the moment but, when I think back to a few years ago, I found the summer months to be an immense struggle.When the clocks sprung forward, it all felt a little bit daunting. The things I’d usually look forward to about the change in seasons now served as reminders that I really wasn’t ok.The lighter evenings and longer days meant more time counting down the hours until it was dark enough to go to sleep. The warmer weather meant more plans to cancel and, as a result, more excuses to make up. I couldn’t even muster up the enthusiasm to decide what to wear each day – something which would ordinarily bring me a lot of enjoyment – and so the summer dresses stayed at the back of my wardrobe.Perhaps depression is a little easier to understand in the winter. It’s dark, it’s cold, most people are spending evenings at home not really doing much. If I was having a particularly bad day / week / month, it didn't feel so wrong to get home from work, change into my pyjamas and just go to bed.Yet when summer rolled around, it seemed as though everyone was out and about having the ‘best time ever’. 

And then there I was, struggling to get out of bed.For someone experiencing depression, it can be difficult to watch those around you enjoying themselves. I'd mute group chats so as not to be met with the constant barrage of plans, I'd excuse myself from after-work drinks, and I'd invent reasons not to attend BBQs and family gatherings.“But it’s such a nice day…” people would say, “you should get out the house, it might cheer you up."Yes it was a nice day but, whilst their words were well-meaning, they simply weren't helpful. I already felt as though I was wasting my summer and I knew I should get out the house, but it just didn't seem possible. A nice walk on a sunny afternoon might do wonders if I'm just having an 'off day', but depression is so much more than that, and a sunny afternoon isn't a cure.Depression doesn't care about the weather, your weekend plans, or the birthday coming up that you'd do anything to be able to enjoy. It doesn't think to itself "summer is here, time for me to disappear for the next few months."

That isn't how it works.I'm in the fortunate position of having friends I could be honest with. Friends who would still keep inviting me to things 'in case I felt up to it' and didn't judge me when I stopped replying to messages for days or weeks on end. They'd suggest shorter periods of socialising that felt a lot less daunting, and remind me that they were still around if and when I felt up to going out.In more recent years, I've managed to enjoy my summers without the weight of depression casting a shadow over them to quite the same extent, and for that I'm incredibly thankful. I think my own experience has also made me more aware of how others might be feeling, and I'd encourage anyone who thinks a friend might be struggling to try to understand and have a little patience. 

Some people understand it, some think it’s an attention call. For me, depression is like that pile of laundry that you don’t want to show in your Instagram pictures. I never want to show my pile of laundry to the world, I want my life to seem happy and put together, as if I folded and put away all my laundry right out of the dryer.Ever since high school I have suffered with extreme depression and anxiety. I can defend the issue for hours and hours, however I get embarrassed when I feel sad. I get so embarrassed when I am sad and those around me do not understand and treat me as if I’m crazy.Typically most of my life I’ve always just been called dramatic when I’m upset. It has become one of my biggest triggers, because most of my life I haven't had that fight to defend it. I just, quite simply, let it eat at me.Depression can be the hardest when others just don’t understand you. I get sad for no reason so often that I’ve created safe spaces. In our current home, my safe place is my bathroom floor. Probably about at least three times a month you can find me locked in my bathroom on the floor, crying. The lock on that door is the only form of power I feel I have at that moment.

I see you.

I share this because it’s real, I share this because everyone has that pile of laundry.

I know everyone may not have depression, but everyone has something hard they’ve experienced, everyone has something to share and everyone has something to relate to.

Many times I have found myself on that bathroom floor contemplating life and how to make it past that very moment, will I? I have to say how thankful I am that I haven’t followed through. Life is so hard. Sprinkle on some depression, heck, dump it on - and life is now even more hard.Please don’t ask me how I can be so sad I could contemplate suicide. Because honestly I do not know, nor do most people in that situation. How did we make it to this moment? What did I do to deserve this sorrow?You never know who is hurting. Those who are, we often are the most resistant, waiting for a hand to be held out for us to grab onto as the pressure of our mental being closes in on us.Check up on those who are quiet, those who check up on you; maybe conversation is being sparked due to their need to communicate. Let’s talk about our hard times, it’s healing, not embarrassing.So, here’s my laundry pile. You’re not alone.

 Depression is not an emotion - it's an illness

Ah, mental health stigma surrounding depression. The worst that's been said to me in all these years having depression is:"Don't go and have a moment on me!""Don't quit your job. I know your job has been making you feel depressed but you're being stupid. You haven't tried hard enough.""Is that all your depressed about?""Stop being ungrateful and take your Great Aunt's advice!"

Please, stop.

This is not me being lazy, ungrateful or selfish. This is me dealing, sometimes suffering, with depression. This is my demon running its black toxins through my head, poisoning my thoughts and feelings.

Depression is not an emotion, it's an illness. A completely and utterly illogical illness. Just like with colds, for example, some colds can just be a little sniffle, sneeze, etc, while some colds can completely wipe you out and keep you bed-bound for x amount of time. Whether you have a mild cold or one from hell, you still have a valid cold. People with the strongest immune systems can still be affected by them.

From an outsider’s point of view, sure, they would be able to see the positive things going on in your life. However, when depression strikes, for me at least, it feels like a part of my brain has turned off the switch to be able to enjoy things. If it's really bad, I'm unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel with whatever I'm dealing with. I can also feel like a shell of a person sometimes. It's as if my brain has temporarily sucked up my personality and misplaced it somewhere else. I'm there but not there at the same time.

I don't choose to do this, depression is basically trying to tie me down in a chair at the cinema, forcing me to watch its fake "reality" tale about how my life will always be rubbish, dark, etc and how I'm worthless. Sometimes I can fight it off, but other times it can catch me off guard and I believe it for a while. Depression, by the way, is one hell of a liar.

The best way I can describe the switch being turned off is while you can see the beautiful colours of the world, I only see black, grey and white. My favourite meal in front of me is suddenly tasteless mush. My favourite TV show/YouTube channel is changed to, what feels like, a very boring presentation about something I've never been remotely interested in. Going out with loved ones can feel like everyone is spinning around me in fast motion while I'm sitting there in slow.

Depression is one of the worst things I have ever experienced, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thankfully over the last 9 years I've learned to differentiate my depression thoughts from my healthy thoughts. I know my depression is just trying to make me watch a fake tale about me and my life, like how I described earlier, but I know I can beat it each and every time it knocks me. Depression might be strong but I'm much, much stronger.

Please do not judge other people's struggles and do listen to what they have to say. Their mountain may be a molehill to you, but everyone is different and everyone’s feelings are valid. Please, please always remember that.

For a long while, I've been having issues with mental health. I remember asking my mum one day years ago if hearing and seeing things was normal and her response still sticks with me. "You're too young and don't know what REAL mental health problems are."

At the time I was incredibly depressed, anxious and scared of myself and what I might do. Whenever I tried to reach out and ask to see someone for help because I was seeing things, she always gave an excuse to dismiss what was going on, like I needed more sleep or I needed to "stay off that phone!". I just wish she might have listened a bit more, instead of brushing me off as lying, or getting angry and impatient with me. If she had been more supportive, I would have felt more capable of handling myself during my bad episodes. 

Considering that not even my own mother would believe me, I truly felt alone and thought that no one would listen to me and brush me off as liar or even a fake. It made it hard for me to reach out for help or take care of myself in the ways I needed.

Now that I'm in my later years of university and I'm in a relationship, I've had to be truthful to myself and acknowledge that I do have issues that need help with. It's taken me even longer to learn how to trust people, that people will reach out to help me if I ask for the help I dearly need. That I won't be told I'm too young or it's because I'm tired or because I'm on my phone too much before going to sleep.

It's taken me years to realize that I need help and that no one but me can choose whether or not what I'm dealing with is real. I don't need someone to compare their own experiences to mine and deem my cry for help as valid or not. But if I had a parent that believed me and took me to someplace where I could've gotten the help I needed, I think I would've been able to cope better with my conditions now.

Some people fail to realize that mental health doesn't discriminate against age and sadly for me it was the person I looked up to most that failed me.

I never know how to explain depression to someone. It’s so different for everyone and comes in so many different forms. Some people describe their depression as a weight that holds them down, ever-present and demanding of their time. Others describe it as a shadow that looms in the back of your mind, always taunting and jabbing and trying to tear you down. Some days, you just have thicker skin. And then sometimes, depression is described like drowning. It’s wading in an ocean of poison and barely catching your breath before you’re dragged back under. 

I don’t think people understand that depression is constant. Some days it doesn’t feel as heavy, it doesn't tug and pull as hard. And other days, it knocks you down before you can even get out of bed. 

I am always fighting this constant battle with myself. I may smile and laugh and seem happy, but know that, somewhere, in the back of my mind I'm struggling. The happy interludes, the in-between where the weight doesn’t feel as heavy, are simply vacations from the reality that is my depression.

It makes me feel like a failure, no matter my successes. I feel worthless and like I’m a burden on everyone around me.

My depression is a beast that lives inside me. It whispers horrible things in my ear, tells me that I am waste of space. And all the while, I have to smile and pretend I’m okay.

That life isn’t beating me, no way. I’m too stubborn for that. I have to pretend that there isn’t some rabid animal inside of me, clawing to get its grip around my throat and snuff out my life. 

People who don’t have depression don’t understand. But they can still be there for people like me. When they say something that scares you, don’t yell. Don’t get angry because you don’t comprehend how their mind works.

My mind is a scary place. I shouldn’t need to open up and spill my darkness for your compassion.  

Support people with depression, even if you don’t understand. Just be there. 

[weekendwarriorblog]

30 Minute Experiment: Movie Theaters #30ME

Okay, let’s do this. Very early on in doing this experiment, and even back when I started this blog, I wanted to use it to talk about something other than movies. I’ve written more than enough about movies for one lifetime, and that probably won’t stop anytime soon, but in the last 24 hours a few things happened that made me think that I probably should address the elephant in the room that no on can agree on: When to reopen movie theaters. After I already decided to share some of my ideas and queries about how to handle this, a few things happened. In fact, a lot of things happened, but we’ll get to those in due time.

So yeah, I’m definitely on the forefront of people who really want to be back in a theater or even a screening room seeing movies again. Unlike so many people out there, I don’t have a giant display screen or a home theater or anything that allows me to have any sort of satisfactory experience watching movies at home. I mean, I do it because sometimes the job entails it. When I wrote reviews for Film Journal, MOST of the movies I was reviewing were only available to review via screener link and many of them would barely get a theatrical release. In some cases, my review was and maybe still is the ONLY review of that movie on RottenTomatoes. That’s how small these movies are.

As the various politicians in Washington and our own state and local politicians try to figure out how to reopen the economy, there’s only one thing I want to know and that’s when theaters will be able to reopen, when all those hard-working and under-appreciated people like the projectionists and ticket takers will be able to get back to work. But more importantly, when can we all get back to seeing movies in theaters safely?

As many probably know, I’m not one of those guys who necessarily needs to go see a movie on a crowded Thursday or Friday night among the first audiences. I didn’t get to see Avengers: Endgame until the Tuesday after opening for some reason, maybe cause I wanted to see it in IMAX in the same theater I saw Avengers: Infinity War.

I’m used to going to movies and press screenings where there are just a handful of people there and there’s so much social distancing already that it shouldn’t be a concern. I’ve been perfectly fine going to the movies and not having anyone sitting around me for years now so it’s not like I need to cozy up to some stranger now anytime soon.

A few of the things that happened in the last couple days included a bit of a war of words between AMC (the biggest theater chain in the country and in the NYC area), NATO (the organization that runs the entire theater franchise) and Universal Pictures, who chose to skip a theatrical release for a few of their films including this month’s Trolls World Tour and June’s The King of Staten Island (which was supposed to premiere at SXSW and play Tribeca). As you probably know, a lot of the festivals have already been cancelled or going virtually in order to provide content, support the filmmakers and themselves while still allowing viewers to be safe. 

It just so happens that the day after this feud, John Fithian, the head of NATO spoke with Variety (no idea how long ago this was conducted) about the situation, which you can read here:

https://variety.com/2020/film/features/theaters-reopening-plan-coronavirus-john-fithian-1234592228/

(Also, a very angry friend of mine went off on social media about the very idea of movie theaters being up and running by July, but I’m not gonna call him or her out as I know where they’re coming from, and I consider him/her a dear friend.

So I’m gonna talk about some of the issues and how they can be handled even while hundreds of theaters owners and representatives from NATO and the movie studios are probably having these very discussions on how to reopen movie theaters safely.

First of all, if Christopher Nolan’s Tenet is the first big studio movie that will be released on July 17 (which is 12 weeks a way, give or take?) followed by Disney’s Mulan the following week, that gives those involved a LOT of time to make sure everything is safe and that numbers have come down appropriately before reopening. Remember that a lot of this is being determined by the governors of various states as well as local politicians and the CDC. Things are being rolled out in phases. 

Let’s just assume that movie theaters might be Phase 2 or 3 and in New York, I doubt we’ll see those phases before June. Still, that gives theaters a lot of time to figure things out.

The big concern is that a packed theater will mean no social distancing. Well, you know what? You don’t have to have packed theaters. Just sell 25-50% of the tickets depending on the size of the theater, and with reserved seats being the norm these days, it’s mostly easy enough to figure out how to make sure people are watching movies safely by alternating seats and spreading the audience out across the theater.

This might be a problem for places like my dear, beloved and much-missed Metrograph since their smaller theater only holds 54 people and when it’s full, it is PACKED. Then again, I’ve also seen press screenings when there’s only five or six of us in there and it’s comfortable and safe. It might be a bigger problem when they premiere movies in there with guest QnAs. That’s definitely going to be one of the first problems the owners of Metrograph will have to figure out, but they also have a restaurant upstairs and make a good amount of money from events that are equally packed. I mean, you can barely get around at some of those events when the 150-180 seat theater lets out.

But most of these theaters have reserved seating and the ones in New York that don’t like the Film Forum and Quad Cinema... they’ll just have to figure out a way to block off or remove seats  or make it a little more dummy proof for their patrons, who are often older folks who might be in the worst danger if infected by COVID.

Limiting seating also leads to other issues because it’s not just a matter of having one seat open, then block off every other seat. You have to remember that couples and groups of friends want to go to movies together, and listen, these groups are going to get together to do other things regardless of whether they’re expected to social distance or not. They’re young people and they want to hang out. There’s also the consideration of families. Are you gonna make some three-year-old sit six feet away from their parents, and then separate them as well? No, that’s just silly.  What can be done is that you can sell reserved seats in groups so if someone is buying just one ticket, they’ll have a selection of single seats. If there are two people going together, they can buy a block of two. Families? They can buy a block of four or six or whatever’s needed. This isn’t that hard and concessions can and will have to be made. 

I feel like theaters were already taking some precautions like wiping down seats and limiting seating even BEFORE things went completely crazy and so far, no one has come forward and said that it was specific movie theaters that caused CORONA to spread even more rampantly in NYC. The last movie I saw in theaters was The Invisible Man in a moderately full 200 seat theater on a Saturday afternoon, and the theater (which had those reclining seats) already had so much separation between patrons that it was relatively comfortable and didn’t feel packed or unsafe. I’m not really sure what places like the Alamo or Nitehawk will do since they also serve food and anyone who’s gone to either one knows that two people next to each other share a table. Sometimes, at more crowded screenings, you’re sharing a table with a strange and you’re sitting WAY TOO CLOSE. Again, just sell tickets in blocks. If you’re going solo, then you’ll have a number of choices, and if you’re going as a couple, you can share a table. 

This idea gets a little more complicated when you realize that most regular moviegoers like to sit in certain seats. Like I prefer an aisle seat and not too far back either but also not right at the screen. This adds another issue when people are as picky as I am and don’t want to be stuck in the middle of a row (or want to be in the middle) and don’t want to be too close or too far back. Again, these are all easy things to figure out and I’m sure it wouldn’t take much tinkering with the technology to make it work in the way it needs to work.

At this point, there really shouldn’t even be a need for ticket sellers unless someone can only pay in cash (which I’m sure is a thing) and I’m sure concessions can be made to sell tickets safely even if it’s a matter of there being plexiglass in front of the ticket seller who will have to wear gloves and mask while dealing with customers. Honestly, we should be at a point where everyone has a smart phone or a printer at home where they can just bring that to be scanned... and scanners can wear gloves and masks as well. You have to realized that 90% of the day, especially in hours where I go to see movies, there is so little business that the people who work at a theater can safely take off their masks... there’s also this thing called testing which is continuously being ramped up and I’m confident that some of the ideas being thrown out there (like having temperature scanners making sure no one might have a fever).

The way to deal with smaller theaters where you can’t really do much social distancing? Just play movies on more screens so that an audience that might fill five medium size theaters would be spread out over a bigger space... Oh, damn. My timer just went off which means I’ll have to continue this subject at another time.

The fact is that there are a lot of things to keep people safe when reopening theaters and no one involved with movies, whether it’s the studio or filmmakers or theater workers or moviegoers themselves wants anyone to get sick or worse die just because they want to go out and see movies in the way they were meant to be seen. Anyway... to be continued...

[daveywankenobie]

It’s 2am and my mind is racing.

I can’t sleep – and in any normal blog this would be the point where people would probably roll their eyes and say ‘he’s overthinking everything because it’s Friday and he has to weigh in tomorrow.’

However it’s not a normal blog. Nothing about anything is normal any more and I find that my mind has begun quietly screaming in silence as I’ve slowly watched things begin to turn both inside out and upside down around me.

I’ve internalised my feelings so much more than I have for many years lately because it’s been necessary. I can’t write with honesty and expose the lives and personal problems of others – and for the last two months this has largely been my issue.

Around the time I stopped writing (an unfathomable month and a half ago) a person close to me (not my partner) suffered a serious medical event that has had far reaching and long term consequences for their life.

They’ve moved from being independent to dependant practically overnight – and to see the deterioration whilst they fought to survive in hospital for two weeks was heartbreaking.

This was not just because of the pain and discomfort that they were experiencing at the time, but the emotional torment that it caused, both to them and those that care about them.

I started losing sleep almost immediately – and I’m not sure I’ve managed to sleep properly since.

Now in any normal blog this would be the root of my trauma, I’d talk through my feelings around how worried I am about them, why it’s meant I can’t talk, and why it’s de-railed my eating (which it has).

Biscuits have been a thing. I’m not going to lie.

Like I said though – these aren’t normal times in which we live and a sudden impulse to indulge in snacks seems to be relatively insignificant – because this person is not just gravely ill now – they’re classified as someone with a ‘significant underlying health condition‘.

With the last two months heralding the arrival of Covid 19 and the world turning upside down this person is also no longer the only and most significant thing I have to worry about.

Since I last wrote, pubs, clubs, restaurants, bars, cinemas, and leisure centres have all been told to close down.

All of a sudden there are people I love with ‘significant underlying health conditions’ all around me – and they all have to self isolate for 12 weeks.

Furthermore in our suddenly virus obsessed world people with a persistent dry cough and a fever have to self isolate for seven days – and anyone in their immediate household for  must do so for 14 so they they don’t pass on the infection on to others.

I’m in a bizarre reality now where it’s a worry to myself and my brother that my 80 year old father is taking public transport to a launderette to do his washing.

The television and radio are drip feeds of fear and I’m not ashamed to say that I’m terrified for what this could mean for myself and those I love.

Day to day I manage to hold it together and I do my job – but when I get home things are different. My partner can see it in my eyes just as I can see the weight of it all in hers. We’ve been sinking into each others arms for increasingly long hugs filled with sighs and occasionally tears too.

I’ve moved from what seemed like relatively minor worries about not having a career or working direction in life to getting a temp job in early January which now (in mid March) places me on the government’s ‘key worker’ list.

This is because my new job (although I never said at the time) happened to be a supporting role for the NHS.

I’m far away from front line that all of the doctors and nurses are on – but I’m close enough to them to get a sense of the scale of what is unfolding in the UK. Like me they’re nervous about what it means for the coming weeks and months as well as what the cost will be for their families, loved ones and personally.

There’s no hand sanitiser left in the world – and even if there was it probably wouldn’t matter.

On top of this the (surprisingly large number of people) I know who are suffering from ‘underlying health issues’ have almost overnight become ghosts and now I have an insight into what’s developing I fear for their wellbeing like I never have in the past.

In our developed and modern world we’ve been in control for so long – and now it seems like that (illusion?) is slipping.

All of a suddenly (if like me you try to shop after work) every shelf in every supermarket is empty – and even the most basic items are now seemingly out of reach to normal working people.

Furthermore they are fighting over toilet roll – and it makes my blood boil when every day when I walk past Aldi on the way to work at 8.30am I see people pushing trollies containing nothing but four packs of 12 roll toilet paper.

Who seriously needs 48 toilet rolls?!!!

It’s darkly comical that in a world where every breath we take contains the possibility of ingesting a potentially lethal virus we seem to be far more concerned about being unable to wipe our asses.

The memes are everywhere – and yet I’ve found it hard to laugh at the humour of it all.

Almost overnight (relatively speaking) I’ve moved from someone who usually wears his heart on his sleeve to being someone increasingly quiet and with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

I know I’m not alone in this.

As social media organises itself around the problem of sudden and enforced isolation for the majority of the population I’ve seen the words ‘looking after your mental health’ again and again wherever I look online.

There are tips for staying fit and healthy, ideas about how to cope if you’re struggling with the enormity of Covid 19 and online sessions where people are forming choirs, orchestras, self help groups.

There are now and even online weigh ins.

You know it’s serious when Slimming World cancels all groups.

I’ve been off plan for two months now and in this respect things have not gone well diet wise. Loads of bad habits that I thought were gone forever have crept back in and I’m struggling to eat properly.

It doesn’t help when there’s absolutely no fresh food in the shops – but I’d be lying if I said that the sole reason I’m not coping with my food demons.

It’s comfort eating, plain and simple.

The mad thing is that this (a situation that would have filled me with a sense of personal failure in the past) is so far down the list of identifiable concerns in my life that it practically doesn’t even register.

I’m walking to work (I still need to go in to the office) along increasingly empty roads, on ever more silent pavements and the people I’d slowly begun to recognise every morning have withdrawn from sight.

The elderly Sikh lady I with oddly bright and clean trainers I passed daily down the road from her temple (presumably on the way to help or pray) is now gone.

The man in a high visibility jacket who rolled past me on his mountain bike always looking hung over near Sainsburys every morning is no longer there.

The student who was always smiling to herself whilst listening to her tunes that I passed by the recycling centre is now no longer walking to college with her brightly coloured blue laniard and badge.

The father and his son who every day sported a cheerful orange anorak (and is always in deep conversation with his dad) no longer walk hand in hand together along the road by the guide dogs for the blind.

The lady by the pub who always seems late and rushes past me to open her garage to get her little red car out is no longer turning the key in her lock.

The girl who stands by her garden wall near my house in a school uniform texting her friends as she waits for them is absent.

There are some people – but the faces I know are gone.

When I get to work there’s often barely anyone around – and I’m now sitting in a small room largely on my own (with occasional visitors) and working on the phone to try and help people who are just as worried and preoccupied as I am.

One area that I’m sure I’m not alone in though saying that I don’t know how to process what’s happening.

My partner is a teacher – and every single day that I’ve watched her leave for work recently (until yesterday when all the schools were closed to everyone but children of key workers) I’ve done so with a sense of dread and worry.

Five years ago I was alone, drunk, morbidly obese and flushing my life down the toilet. I didn’t have any fear of loss because I was certain I’d die through my own selfish and self destructive hand before anyone I loved.

Now that’s almost certainly not going to be true – and in the coming weeks things may well happen to reverse that stupid assumption in ways I could never have imagined back then.

Furthermore the spectre of my mother’s death suddenly looms large.

She passed away fighting for breath as her lungs filled with fluid – suffering from the side effects of chronic smoking.

Her hospital was calm, organised, well equipped and (despite what we may expect given political rhetoric about pressures on the NHS) well staffed and resourced.

She had a room to herself and the nurses caring for her appeared to be busy – but used to and capable of managing their workloads. They were able to respond to changes in her condition, and (somewhat amazingly) kept her alive much longer than I expected them to.

If what’s happening in Italy is going to happen here then we can expect a lot of very different outcomes and radically different care situations not just for people like her but everyone that needs support.

My primal fear of suffocation is (and has been for a few years) now inextricably linked to how she passed away – and the distress that I witnessed in her as she fought to breathe with her oxygen cylinders has never really left me.

Now it’s all back in my mind – because it’s on the horizon once more.

It’s real – and whilst I want to sit down and blog about positive things at the moment I just can’t.

I’m sorry.

I just need to start writing again, now more than ever – and share that I am struggling just like everyone else, but trying to find a way to cope. I want to reach out to the world once again and begin to talk openly about what’s going on inside my head, because it might help someone else as much as it helps me.

As we become more and more physically distant whilst we lock our doors and move into quarantine we must (as much as humanly possible) remain close and look after one another.

Plus – I’d like to finally blog at some point in the increasingly near future about the reality of what happens when the apocalypse arrives and there’s only one sheet of Andrex left.

Let’s face it – the puppy is soft, absorbent, loves to play in the shower and is infinitely re-usable. Furthermore if you have one with a darker coat (especially a puppy that doesn’t moult) then it’s practically the perfect crime.

So I guess I’ll leave you all (with a no doubt delightful) mental image there. It’s now 5 am and I’m no closer to being able to sleep – so I’m going to play a video game.

Part of me feels better for writing all of this down but I know there’s a lot more to come in the days, weeks and months ahead and I’m probably going to get deeper as time goes on.

I want you all to stay safe, stay healthy, and keep going – if only for the purely selfish reason that it would be nice to have someone left to read what I write when the dust settles and life eventually begins to return to normal.

Keep yourselves safe.

Davey

Use the puppy It's 2am and my mind is racing. I can't sleep - and in any normal blog this would be the point where people would probably roll their eyes and say 'he's overthinking everything because it's Friday and he has to weigh in tomorrow.'

[purplesurveys]

688

Have you today?

Looked in a mirror? Not on purpose. We just have several mirrors in the house that I unavoidably pass by and look at.

Watered a plant? Not today, but my dad has asked me to do it a couple of times in the last week.

Worn denim? I haven’t worn outside clothes in almost a monthhhhh. And that includes denim.

Washed your hair? Technically yes. I took a shower at around 1 AM? before heading to bed.

Been in pain? Kind of. My left eye has been irritating me almost every night/morning since the year started; sometimes it gets incredibly swollen, sometimes it just feels like something is stuck in my eyelid. Either way it’s always uncomfortable and painful.

Had a nap? Haha, not yet. But since the lockdown started I’ve been having an afternoon siesta everyday. Brushed your teeth? Yeah, it came along with the ^ above 1 AM shower. Kissed someone? I haven’t been able to kiss my girlfriend in almost three weeks now and I’m miiiiiserable.  Used a cheese grater? Nah, I haven’t used one in a while.

Eaten something sweet? Not yet. I might eat a few pieces of chocnut later though. Spoken to a stranger? Not today, but we did have a village guard knock on our door earlier to give my dad a quarantine pass – it’s to confirm that he’ll be the only one in the family allowed to leave the house in case we need to go to the groceries or something. I peeked by the front door to listen to the interaction, but I didn’t speak with the guard myself. Dropped something? Sure. My bottle of eye drops. Felt upset in some way? You can say that. There’s a new trend on Facebook where groups are created so certain universities can just trashtalk one another as a joke. It was funny at first but there are some posts that have gone too far, personal, or both, and it obviously hasn’t been good for my mental health lol. Drank coffee? Not yet today. I usually have it in the evening. Walked for more than thirty minutes? I also haven’t walked much in three weeks. That’s kinda what’s supposed to happen when your entire city is put on lockdown. Signed up for something? No. I’ve logged in to certain sites, though. Travelled in a car? I also haven’t been in a car in the last couple of weeks. I was able to ride with my dad the night before they imposed the lockdown – we were visiting my grandpa in the columbary because it would’ve been his 80th birthday that day. Opened a can? Nope. Thought about doing something crazy? At the back of my head I always think of driving up to see Gab because I miss her a lot, but it just remains a crazy thought in my head. Listened to a new song? Yeah. I have a couple of saved playlists and I don’t know like 94% of the songs in both of them, so I’m always listening to a new song everyday. Written in a notebook? I haven’t. I’ve written on a piece of paper, though. Fed an animal? Yup, my dog needs his breakfast. Checked your emails? LOL NOPE, and I don’t plan to check them any time soon. Told someone you love them? Yeah, before we both turned in at like 3 AM lol. Made a phone call? Yeah I also called my girlfriend earlier.

Have you in the last week?

Update: I skipped this survey the whole day and now it’s 10:30 in the evening, and I’ve already done a bunch of stuff I said no ^ to earlier lmao but am too lazy to change. Let’s gooooooo

Travelled on a bus? Nah. The bus personally isn’t my main mode of transpo and I only get to ride them when I’m in a group and there’s no choice but to ride a bus, like for field trips or for group itineraries during vacations.

Washed your face? Yeah. I did this today because my face was feeling annoyingly oily. Put a face mask on for the first time in a long time.

Used a blender? No. I don’t think we even have a blender at home, cos no one ever makes stuff that needs to be blended.

Received a phone call? Sure. Gab and I called several times in the last week, and my grandma has also called from time to time to check up on us because the lockdown has kept us from seeing her regularly.

Talked to someone you dislike? I...don’t think so. If I did I’d definitely talk to Gabie about it, and I haven’t done that with her haha.

Consumed alcohol? Ugh, bleck. Yeah. I wanted to get buzzed last week and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s is the only thing we have in the house so I had a small sip and just... disgusting. Whiskey is just not my thing, so never again.

Eaten pasta? Spot on. We had spaghetti for dinner tonight.

Planned for an event? There is no event to plan, and it’ll stay like this for the next 3-4 months probs.

Asked someone for a favour? Sure, I asked Gab to be the one to write the write-up that’s going to be on my college yearbook.

Watched something funny? I’ve been watching tons of these to fight off boredom during the break.

Trimmed your nails? Yep, they were getting long and uncomfortable so I got rid of them.

Browsed Reddit? Also yep. School kept me busy for a couple of months and I wasn’t able to use Reddit then because I’d usually pass out by evening. But right now I have more than enough time to browse it, so I’ve been doing some catching up.

Talked to yourself? I guess? Not as much as before the lockdown though, because I’ve already been usually by myself throughout this break, and don’t feel the ~need to talk to myself.

Purchased tickets for something? Nah. They cancelled almost all future events up until May or June...there’s no tickets to be bought at all to begin with.

Felt like you were annoying someone? Meh, it happens every now and then.

Cleaned a toilet? I’ve never done this at all.

Reminisced about the past? LMAO yeah. Someone created a Facebook group that lets alumni from my high school just shit-talk the school and bring back (and reveal) old drama, scandals, and controversies. It’s hilarious, it hasn’t pissed me off, and past students exposing teachers who turned out to be trash and/or perverts is so satisfying.

Used headphones? I haven’t had headphones in a while.

Laughed with a friend? Yeah, but just virtually. I haven’t heard most of my friends’ voices in a while.

Cooked dinner and then didn't feel hungry? Nah. I HAVE helped my dad make dinner a few times this week, which is like huge baby steps for me in learning how to cook haha.

Written a list? I don’t think I have in the last week.

Played an instrument? Nope. Felt jealous or envious? It happens. Ignored a text message on purpose? Lol yeah I guess. There were times I got fed up with Gab being such a slow replier that when she replies, I stopped wanting to open my inbox. Congratulated someone? I just did! UP’s med school results were released a few hours ago and I congratulated my friend Michelle for passing. Her decision was super clutch – she initially passed med school as early as high school but she declined it so she can take journalism instead, because it’s what she thought she liked at the time. Four years into the course and she realizes she hated it, so she made the really clutch decision to review for med school exams and she ended up passing every single one she took, UP being the icing on the cake. Honestly I wish I had balls like her.

Have you in the last month?

Made a piece of art? I don’t think so.

Rewatched one of your favourite tv shows or movies? I rewatch Friends at least once or twice a month, so ya got me there.

Called a plumber? We haven’t needed to do this.

Been to a see a doctor? Yup, an optometrist. Something’s been going on with my left eye for a while, so I went in to have a checkup a couple of weeks ago.

Finished a book? I did :o I had to read an entire book to make an essay for my business news class. It’s an investigative piece on the fast food industry, which I honestly dig, so I didn’t have a hard time reading and finishing it.

Had a crush on someone? Sure.

Travelled on a train? Definitely haven’t done this at all, except for that one time three years ago when I had to do it with Jum to go to the House of Representatives in Manila.

Worn heels? I don’t think I did, no. Been to a friend's house? Yeah, I was at Gabie’s a couple times before the lockdown started. Shared a bed with someone? ^ Just her. Been to see a movie at the cinema? Haven’t been to since Knives Out last December. Paid attention to celebrity drama? Nah. High school drama though, I’ve been all over that the last couple of days lmao. Felt anxious? I feel it at least once a day. Taken an elevator? Sure. Given someone the cold shoulder? Only when I don’t reply to Gab because she takes too long to reply, lol yeah. It doesn’t last too long though; it’s just a playful tantrum thing. Purchased a new book/game/movie? Nah, I think I find most of my content on YouTube/Netflix anyway. Applied for a job? Hahahahahahahahahahhaha not yet don’t rush me. Used a printer? I don’t think so. Had lunch in a park? But do we have parks at all? Lmaooooooooo Gotten a manicure or pedicure? Definitely not into those. Made an appointment? Ish? If the one with the optometrist counts. Had a blood test done? Not since 2010. Suffered from a major bruise? Lol dude I haven’t moved a lot in the last few weeks, there’s absolutely no reason for me to get a bruise. Researched a topic in-depth? Yes. I am in school, after all.

Have you in the last year?

Been to the beach? Yep, but it’s been a literal year and not less than, and I am haaaaaardcore missing the beach. No idea when I’ll be coming back.

Visited someone in the hospital? No and I hope I won’t have to for now, given what’s been going on.

Played pinball? Ooh I just did earlier this month! Gab and I went to BGC for a whole night of partying, and when everyone went home we stayed so we can go bar-hopping, and there’s a place called Barcade that’s...well, you get the name. ANYWAY they had sooo many vintage arcade games and a couple of pinball machines, and we didn’t waste time playing each of them. It was sooooo fun.

Travelled on a plane? A couple of times.

Worn a costume? I was Dora for Halloween, so yup.

Been thrift shopping? I don’t...think so?

Thought about getting pregnant or got pregnant? Hell no.

Made a big life decision? Not really. Hasn’t everyone’s lives been put on hold because of this stupid virus?

Changed a lightbulb? Never had at all, really.

Framed something and put it on your wall? Nah. I’m not really that kind of person.

Been stargazing? I’ve been doing this a lot recently cos I’ve been staying at the rooftop at night more often. And with everyone at home, the light pollution has been clearing up and the stars have been so much easier to see.

Made a new friend? If the new applicants for our org count, then yes.

Added to a collection? I don’t have any.

Been to the dentist? Oh yeah. I had a really bad toothache throughout December but the dentist took it all away ahhdkjfhdjsfhsf I’m so grateful lmao.

Broken up with someone? Nope.

Held a baby? That’s a bigger nope.

Created a budget? Nah lmao I would never be able to follow it.

Confessed feelings for someone? Already did.

Had surgery of any kind? Nope and I hope I’ll never need one.

Quit a job? Never had a job,

Been in a car accident? NO thank god hahahahahahaha Purchased something worth over a grand? Yep, one of my Christmas gifts for Gabie was well around two grand. Pesos though, so that’s like roughly $40. Been on vacation at least 500km/300mi from home? Yeah, we always do at least one of these when my dad’s home. Applied for an academic course? Does enrolling count? I’m still in college lmao. Had your photo taken by a professional? I had my grad shoot taken last January.

[blindinhawkins]

Little love

link to ao3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12506896

There is little love, like the way you love a favourite sweater or a stuffed animal that followed you through your whole childhood. There is also big love, like the way Bill loves his little brother Georgie. Then there is out of this world love, like the way Eddie loves Richie.

Eddie would never tell Richie that he loved him, or at least harboured a crush big enough to impede his everyday life. It was embarrassing and shameful. It was wrong. You don’t fall in love with your best friend. Maybe you become best friends with your partner, but not the other way around.

It came sneaking up on Eddie slowly, like a wolf stalks it’s prey. When it pounced, Eddie was far too weak to defend himself. It left him speechless and numb, like his mind had just floated out of his body and soared into the sky. When Richie told him he looked cute with that blush on his face in a terrible Texas accent he just stood up and left.

---------------

Weeks had followed where Eddie despised Richie, moving through a denial that he later realised was part of the five stages of grief. Of course his other friends noticed something was wrong and they kept asking if something happened. Did he fight with Richie? Did his mom finally convince him Richie was a bad influence? Did he just grow tired of Richie’s never ending rambles about anything and everything?

Eddie couldn’t explain his own feelings because that meant it was real. Right now he couldn’t handle real. Bill had invited them to a sleepover, just as usual, and Richie had taken it upon himself to annoy Eddie to death. He even had the guts to roll out his sleeping bag right beside him like the jerk he was.

Eddie laid sleepless for most of the night, listening to the other’s soft snoring and deep breaths. It was hard being this close to Richie when he went to such great lengths to avoid him. He knew the other boy felt hurt by his avoidance, had heard him telling it loud and clear to Ben just the other day. But he masked it quite well behind jokes and silly voices, just like he always did.

“Bill?”, a small, trembling voice came from the doorway. Eddie turned and saw Georgie standing there, a teddy bear under his arm and tears on his cheeks. He sat up, nudging Bill awake at the same time the boy repeated his name a little louder but still as trembly.

“What is it?”, Bill grumbled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes with one hand.

��I had a bad dream.”, Georgie whispered. Bill sighed, and fresh tears gathered in the young boy’s eyes.

“C-come here.”, Bill said after a moment, pulling his blankets back and patting the mattress. “You can s-s-sleep h-here.”

Georgie tottered over, climbed into the bed and placed his teddy bear beside him gently.

“Good night, Eddie.”, he whispered when their eyes met.

“Good night, Georgie. Sleep well.”, Eddie whispered back and laid down again, turning over so young prying eyes wouldn’t see the tears in his own eyes. He could just about make out Richie’s unruly mop of hair in the dark of the room, and he wished he could curl up under his arm like Georgie had just done with Bill.

---------------

As Eddie stood outside the cinema watching Richie get closer and closer dread filled him to the brim. Why the fuck did Richie have to be the first one to arrive? This was all a setup, he thought frantically, Richie was never on time. What time was it? How long had he even been waiting here? Was-

“I like your shoes.”, Richie said pensively when got close enough, like he was somehow afraid Eddie would turn the other way and run screaming. Considering how Eddie had treated the boy of his affections lately it wasn’t surprising.

Eddie looked down at his pristine white sneakers. His mother had bought them for him the other week, after he got a “nasty stain” on his blue ones. Really it was just a speck of dirt that probably could’ve been easily wiped off, but Sonia was having none of it. So here Eddie was, staring at his shoes and blushing like a sundried tomato, wishing their other friends would just show up to save him from himself.

“Thanks, Richie.”, he mumbled. “Where are the others?”

“Bev is visiting her aunt, Bill had to stay home with Georgie because he’s sick and his parents had to go out and do something, Mike has whatever with his farm as usual and Ben is probably in the library studying for that test. Did I miss someone? I’m surprised you’re actually here since I was coming.”

“You missed Stan…”, Eddie said, biting his lip nervously.

“Oh right, Stan couldn’t stand being here with just the two of us when the others cancelled. He told me to figure out what the fuck is wrong with us.”

The biting comment made Eddie flinch, he wasn’t used to Richie being that straight forward. He had learned as they grew up together that the taller boy had a major problem with expressing his own feelings about certain topics, despite his usually big and flappy mouth. Eddie supposed he had pushed him far past his breaking point by now.

“I’m sorry, I-”

“What are you even sorry about? You did nothing. That’s the goddamn problem, Eddie! You did nothing! Now would you please tell me what I did that was so horrible that you have been avoiding me like the plague for the last three months? Did I open my ugly mouth one too many times?! Was it the jokes about your mom? Just fucking tell me so I can move on with my life, with or without my best friend!”

“Richie, I can’t-”

“Can’t what?!”

“I can’t tell you!”, his voice broke and tears gathered in his eyes. “I can’t tell you because you will hate me!”

“What?”, Richie’s face scrunched up as he scoffed. “Why would I hate you more than you hate me? Does it even matter to you?”

“Of course it matters to me!”, he protested, raising one hand to hit Richie but lowering it as quickly. “Fuck!”

“Fuck, indeed.”, Richie muttered, turning to walk away. “This is pointless. Bye.”

“No, fuckhead!”, Eddie roared, grabbing Richie’s arm and tugging him back. “You will listen to me, you dumb idiot! I can’t tell you because you will hate me but I’ll do it anyway! I’m in love with you!”

Richie stared, and stared, and Eddie shrunk under his gaze. Suddenly realising just how tall the other boy was he released his arm from his grip and took a step back, mouth hanging open in shock at his own outburst.

“Say something!”, he pleaded after a few seconds that might as well have lasted a year.

“I don’t know what to say.”, Richie mumbled, turning back around and walking away.

---------------

A scraping sound followed by a very distinct “Oh, fucking shit!” woke Eddie up in the middle of the night. Bleary eyed from crying himself to sleep and barely conscious he sat up, squinting at his window. Just outside he noticed a crouching form he would recognise anywhere. He scrambled out of bed to let Richie in, hushing him harshly when he toppled over and slammed down on the floor. An intense moment followed where they both listened for any movement in the house, but the faint noise of Sonia snoring relaxed them both.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”, Eddie hissed, softly kicking the boy on the floor.

“I think I just told my mom I have a boyfriend.”, Richie whispered, eyes wide like a spooked owl. “Do I have a boyfriend?”

“How the fuck would I know?!”

“It would be you. You would be my boyfriend.”, Richie hastily stood, towering over Eddie’s small form. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

“Richie, you-”

Soft lips interrupted his planned scolding, and it was the sweetest feeling he had ever experienced. Richie’s hands found his waist and pulled him closer, Eddie’s knees going weak in the process. As their bodies molded together Eddie pulled back.

“What the fuck?”, it held no malice, but Eddie would be damned if he didn’t try to be mad at Richie for pulling something like this.

“Will you be my boyfriend?”, Richie repeated the question, warm breath hitting Eddie’s face and making him see stars.

“Yes. What the hell, Richie? Yeah.”

“Good. I had to think, I didn’t mean to hurt you earlier.”

“Does your brain even do that?”, Eddie barked out a laugh at his own question, looking away in shame. “Well, I’ve been an ass.”

“That you have, Eddie my dear. But I love you. And I forgive you.”

---------------

Eddie put away his shoes carefully, tucking the laces inside and aligning them perfectly. They were just as white and clean as the first time Richie had seen them six months ago, and he was amazed by the fact. Though he figured if anyone could keep their shoes clean it would be Eddie. His own shoes were dirtier than the muddy sandbox in the park they had just gotten back from.

“I have this frame that’s never been used.”, Eddie said. “I wanted to put our picture inside it, is that alright?”

“Do whatever you want, Eds. It’s your picture.”, Richie chuckled with a shrug, following Eddie up the stairs to his room.

As they sat on the bed, Richie watching Eddie carefully frame their picture, he thought of how stupid they both were. Stan had said, when he found out about what had been going on, that they were both so stupid it was a miracle they even had brains. Then he knocked on Richie’s head and proclaimed it sounded hollow so he probably didn’t.

“I’m gonna put this right here, so I can be reminded every day of how ugly my boyfriend is compared to myself.”, Eddie explained, putting the now framed picture on his nightstand.

Beverly had brought her polaroid camera to the park, snapping picture after picture and handing out the good ones to Richie and Eddie. The smaller boy had quickly picked a favourite, one where Richie was hugging Eddie from behind and laughed so hard his eyes were squinted into mere lines behind his glasses. Eddie was laughing too, but Richie thought he looked as beautiful as ever.

“I can take that, as long as I’m your ugly boyfriend.”

“Always.”, Eddie murmured fondly and rested his head on Richie’s shoulder.

There is little love, like they way you love your favourite shoes or a framed picture. There is also big love, like the way Georgie loves his big brother Bill. Then there is out of this world love, like the way Richie loves Eddie.