#and during my bday week. smh

[ilonacho]

what if i became a minion blog again💛

[miku-meeku]

Ooop you had a Voltage phase~~ Now you gotta spill the games you played👀👀

i thought these ones were kinda neat compared to the other games

also is it really playing if i dont even have money to buy the stories so i just kept reading the prologue over and over again

i mean, i did manage to read some free ones they gave out (and i think i read some stories on yt before)

anws, i won 300 coins for drawing this thing before and won 3rd place lawl (but now i lost the coins cuz voltage inc sux for making ur account get restricted if ur not active for a year smh)

kota is my favorite if its not obvious from my very very OLD POST from when my tumblr used to be a garbage can

my kidself is kringe (did you know kota is voiced by natsuki hanae kyaa)

also theres this game that i used to be obsessed with playing from voltage too (but they shut it down so that makes me...i hate voltage inc bro)

bro i just realised now they shut it down a few weeks after i got into dol, thats nice ig

anws enough of that sobbing from voltage inc being shit like usual, guess my favorite liar character

did you know mf has the same bday as kota

listen chat, i just think hes really neat-

JUST LOOK AT THIS OLD 2019 ART HAHAHAHAHAHA

MY SHIP NAME FOR HIM AND MIKU WAS MIZUSA HELPPP IM KRINGINGGGG

omg now i suddenly remembered, my last art of azu was from 2021 and it was this drawing w childe

if its really not obvious during my liar phase, i was pretty obsessed with azu, i love azu sm (i would scurry thru my old books for liar arts of me and azu kyaa but id rather not cuz it was kinda kringe and id rather not die of embarrassment)

.....maybe just a lil bit..... (bro this was from 2017 good lord)

ight i yap too much, i was gonna start yapping how i had ocs for every single voltage inc game i "played"

you only get these three cuz im gonna be here all day if i blabber about everyone

my forged wedding, seduced in the sleepless city, dreamy days in west tokyo

for some reason, i have a lot of aoi doodles tho

ft other voltage inc ocs who are the same age as her (17 year old mfs)

and here u get old uncover the truth mc (aka miku, literally me) from 2021

to her recent drip in 2023

its just adult miku basically

ight im done fr this time, i yap too much

[webslingingslasher]

hiii it's sleepover anon again ;____;

it's my bday and ahahah i'm not having a good time..... i mean, ever since that night actually. i haven't confronted my bffs bc bff1 was at the beach for like 2 weeks and and bff2 was mia. i wanted to talk to both of them in person and i didn't want to push thru if we weren't complete so i've been waiting.. but anw i've just been civil w them. no actually, i've been dry hahah. but i think i'm just gonna have to confront both of them either on call or individually bc my bff's leaving to return back to her uni abroad like tmrw. smh

but the reason why bff2 was mia is bc she's been feeling bad abt that night.. she msged me last night and apologized for being mia and that was the reason why, then she greeted me. i haven't even confronted them but i guess she realized it herself, how mean she was lol.. i still want to bring it up tho, ik she's gonna feel even worse when i do, but idk i just can't let it slide y'know.. plus bff1 has no clue of whats rly going on so i have to bring it up bc both of them still quite literally talked abt me behind my back so.

anw. i've been rly down ever since bc i had no one to share my happiness with... i do have other friends but it's just not the same bc our dynamic is different. i just feel so down and rly empty now... nothing fuels me except my comfort shows and movies, but they're just distractions.

i also went to watch barbie for my bday today, and there were 3 misogynist guys (i think they were high schoolers) who were rly fucking noisy and annoying.. during the mom's speech (i forgot her name but iykyk, i don't want to spoil), one of them went "that sucks" sarcastically and they were giggling bc they noticed everyone staring at them for being annoying as fuck.. literally went "they're staring at us *giggling*" like the fuckkk... also, one of them groaned twice like really fucking loudly, almost screaming like wtf... i do not even know what to say about that. i feel like they were feeling cool for being a nuisance and got attention 😒 they rly ruined my barbie experience AND ON MY BDAY!!!!! i srsly wanted to push them down the stairs i kid u not.. and at the end of the movie when everyone left, u'd see their spot full of trash from their food and drinks just splattered everywhere... fucking pigs. i didn't even enjoy the movie like at all bc of them and i'm rly pissed bc it was supposed to be the highlight of my bday.. i just genuinely wanted to have a good time WHY R MEN SO FUCKING TRASHHHH

anw that's all. sorry my asks are long ;__; i don't rly have anyone to confide in anymore.. u don't rly have to reply to this if u don't want to btw no pressure!

also fyi i am a constant consumer of ur peter works and i'm very grateful for u. can't wait for ur frat!peter series heheh and thank u so much for making this a safe space🥺💗 wishing u well mwahugs<3

first- HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🥳🥳🥳

tbh it sounds like bff2 had a wake up call, or imo seems like the person that will jump in and make fun of someone else so they’re not getting made fun of.

bff2 apologized on her own behalf and that speaks volumes.

((you’re so welcome, i am very glad to have you here and happy to know you have a safe space ❤️))

[lesbiancarat]

Book anon here to say today is a happy day because it is dk and vernon day ^0^ the fact they share bdays makes my heart so big like djakdnaks that's the best thing really! (I say this as I don't like celebrating my own birthday lol but that shiz makes me soft) like how can it not get better than sharing a birthday with your fellow bandmate who is also your buddy :'))

Back on topic, I am happy that in the fandoms I'm in, update blogs or accounts are well loved so no drama there but I agree on cc peeps, my gosh the decline of them is obvious for the past 2 years =/ I remember 2018 the carat fandom here was HUGE with creators and lots of notes but now...its hard to see more than 200 for some and while numbers don't matter because you should ALWAYS be doing this for fun, its so shocking to see the interaction go so low and its more likes. I do have a theory as to why this is the case and it might be due to nowadays, people on Tumblr find reblogging alot to be "too much" akaspamming. I would know because some told me I do this and I'm like ??? I am simply reblogging content I like and if it means hitting the rbelog limit so be it djajdjw. Legit idk why its seen as bad nowadays when everyone used to reblog alot and no one complained so maybe this could be why? Again a theory but it would make sense and its a shame if this is the case :c I admit I like stuff because I sometimes do reblog it for a color theme but mostly I hit the reblog limit so I want to reblog it later xD

But let's not get into people that take others work as their own -.- now I get giving credit for say icons (I do this for icons and headers I use because its the least I can do. I would link it but idk how to do it on Tumblr lol) but taking someone's say gif and just posting it on twitter to share is like ??? You do know there is a share button that SHARES THE ORIGINAL LINK BACK RIGHT? Smh i can't with people. That's why I try to make sure for icons at least I know its not a repost and try to stay away from pintrest as best as I can (also svt on pintrest? Are they making moodboards or smth? I leave Tumblr for a bit and this is what I come back to lol)

Oof I wrote too much again sjamdna I'm living up to my emoji huh? XD but yes my tooth is better! It hurt again last night but today we are good!

I'm late answering this but yeah the fact that dk and vernon share a Birthday is super sweet! it's fun that they get to do their birthday live together as well ^^

but yeah i joined carat tumblr around late 2017/early 2018 (i made this side blog during oh my era but I'd been reblogging svt stuff on main before then) and I'm p sure most if not all the cc's i originally followed are inactive now :( obviously like you said content creators should make content for fun and bc they want to and not for the notes, but it's understandably disheartening when less people are interacting with it and even the people who do still see your content are (at least seemingly) less enthusiastic about it (ie liking but not reblogging it, less ppl writing things in the tags or replies, etc.)

but that's so wild to me? I've never heard anyone say someone is reblogging too many things like... how do you expect to see posts if people don't reblog stuff?? id welcome that extra content on my dash dhfjfh. i guess you can go in specific tags but like. idk reblogging is the main function of tumblr i don't know why there are people sort of against it/not as willing to use it (i mean... i suspect at least one factor is other social media platforms relying more on algorithms and likes to show people new content and ppl are just more used to that maybe?)

i feel like to some extent people feel entitled to have every or any gif or fanart or fan content on their platform of choice, but like if an artist posts something on tumblr but not on twt or instagram it doesn't HAVE to be on twt or insta. people can make a tumblr (or whatever platform) account if that's the only place a creator is active and they really want to see their content. and if people want to share something cool to another platform it is not hard to just post a link to the original post and tell people to check it out. like i do that every once in a while if there's a translation that doesn't allow reposts, but i still want ppl to know that trans exists if they wouldn't normally. and yeah!! you're gonna get less engagement that way!! but that's when you need to question whether your intention is really to share something cool w people who wouldn't normally see it or if you just want clout from this cool thing for yourself

and obviously not everyone who reposts things wo credit or permission has such innocent intentions as "i want to share this cool thing" but i think in a lot of cases it is something similar to that where ppl see something and they want to use it or share it for whatever reason and they just forget that it's something an actual person took the time to create and chose to share it. fan creations, unless otherwise specified, are not like memes in that they're intended to be shared and edited and copied to hell and back

but yeah pinterest is the worst in terms of reposts. like very little if any of the content on there (at least that's fandom related) is original content. the vast majority is reposts from other platforms without credit. a few weeks ago i saw someone on twt post like an old SVT photo or something and someone asked where it was from and they were like 'idk i saw it on pinterest' and when i tell u my blood boiled dhfkfj like!! ok!! so you're reposting a repost and u have no idea what the original source is... great

but yeah i have no idea what SVT is gonna do with pinterest... guessing it's just gonna be pledis posting official/behind photos that they also post on twt anyway. it really looks like it's something bh made them create given other bhl artists also have pinterests they're all following each other. also pledis didn't even officially announce the new account opening anywhere as far as I've seen so like. i think they really don't care dhfkfj

i really don't know what bh thinks they're gonna gain though like. ik there are active fandom pinterest users but i think most of them also have other social media like twt or insta. like they're not cracking open a huge new market, and LITERALLY NO ONE expects any musician or celeb to have an official Pinterest so. it's just so unnecessary dhfkgj

I'm glad your tooth is feeling better!!!

[mignonmark]

ahh aren’t you the absolute sweetest? :( idk I was really drowsy today, I blame it on my period coming up but it was sunny today and my friends and moms present arrived hehe so I can give them soon.

You just got home? Oh my :( please rest well and I hope your classes tomorrow will go nicely!

>:( ughh periods; always causing problems smh. i know it’s not much, but make sure you’re staying hydrated sam:( i get so drowsy before and during my period too, but after drinking water or walking around, it helps get rid of my drowsiness (even for a little bit)! — & ooh!! can i ask what you got for ur mom and friend? is it their bdays soon?🤩

i got home last night! ive just been unpacking and running the laundry for the past four hours🥲

and classes start feb 1st for me, but i have to mentally prepare a week in advance bc i am so NOT prepared for another semester😭 i need to rent and buy my textbooks now too I- damn i just am not ready for school again

[luvdsc]

im definitely gonna look into it if ive got more time!! and, oh, an exchange student!! i feel like they are always a lil more cute? and seriously youre lucky because hs boys are... weird and just not that cool honestly 🤧 most of them are incredibly shallow and arrogant smh? what was it like to go to an all girls hs? thats really interesting because my school used to be an all girls hs but that changed like years ago lmao bad decision obvi,, and, it was nice to see my friends again but we (1/3)

all have to keep in mind to keep a safe distance! we always wanna hug each other lol and, yeah, youre right!! it really sucks we cant even celebrate birthdays etc,, hope you guys can plan smth after this is over. and, i know literally only one person that uses zoom? its really not that popular here ig, but my school also kinda sucks so idk lmao ohh, california!! i dont know how you manage the heat over there,, wait have you ever seen snow then? and, same, im always catching up on sleep (2/3)

and i absolutely love becky! and, no! i havent had time yet to watch much youtube rip :( was it fun? and, yes, i did make banana bread!! it was really tasty and im planning on baking some more! and, oh!! whenever i make cinnamon buns they turn out HUGE :( like really HUGE,, how do you control their size? and, im definitely gonna look into peanut butter cookies!! youre so right!! you really gotta find a balance which is hard rip, my week was great bc i could see my friends? how was yours? (3/3)💖

✿ ✿ ✿

aaah i hope you’ll be able to start your own little garden!! 💞 and YES, exchange students just always seem smarter, which is so attractive?? like they know more than one language and have a cool accent? also, they dress better than the fratboys i’m surrounded with askjlfhdalskj and omg yeah i remember hs boys. those boys are ick /: there were french exchange students who came to my hs for like three weeks every year. paired with the fact that i went to an all girls school, these really cute french boys with impeccable fashion and accents were the only boys on campus ever during the school year and thus seemed even cuter to me LOL and i really loved going to an all girls school! i liked the uniform aspect because i didn’t have to worry about choosing outfits everyday, but i also liked that we were all outspoken in class and unafraid of trying things that were typically male dominant. i was in the robotics club for all four years, and you can really see the skewed female to male ratio in the stem field when you go to competitions /: girls are a lot more confident and my classmates weren’t afraid to speak up. overall, i think the learning environment was much healthier and a better space to grow as a person :)

oooo how was seeing your friends? how do you all get to classes too? don’t the hallways get super crowded? aaaah i really hope we’ll be able to celebrate bdays in person soon! i’ll be celebrating two of my friends’ bdays over zoom on friday and saturday :’) does your school use a different webcam platform? ugh yeah, it gets really hot during the summer, but i’m just super grateful that it’s never humid here. and yeah, i’ve seen snow! there’s snow in california, but i just have to drive out farther to see it, like in the mountains :D i live in a coastal region that has no snow. do you have snow?

yesss becky is hilarious! and yes, the video was really funny!! oooo that’s great! what are you planning to bake next? i made little baguettes and sweet rolls last week 💓 baking bread is really fun and i like kneading the dough lol and akjshdfkljas what’s wrong with large cinnamon rolls though? the more, the better!!! ah, i’m not sure how to control the size... i kinda just shape them small and guesstimate on how much it’ll expand and hope that they’ll turn out ok LOL oooh, i hope you’ll enjoy the cookies if you bake them! i like using the mrs. fields’ peanut butter cookie recipe 💞 and that’s good!!! i hope your week is off to a good start this week, too! 💘 my week went well! i’m a little tired because i stayed up all night to do my paintings since they’re due for a midterm critique today, and i didn’t start them at all 😅 but i managed to speed paint, and they don’t look too bad, so fingers crossed that my professor will accept them! how have you been? what have you been up to? 💛

[abcdosaka]

im actually so bored and lonely smh you can only enjoy your alone time to a certain extent before it's like "damn do my friends actually hate me that much lmao"

idk if S hates me but it’s definitely bc she like. moved on with her life and shit and has new better friends and im just here sitting in my room. doing fuck all. im kind of annoying i know but i thought i was alright. im actually happy for her but it does feel like she’s leaving me behind a bit. not that she doesn’t have an excuse or anything, shes obvs busy with school, but holy shit she has like two classes a week...i still managed to msg her when i was having 5 classes/day so yeah im a little bitter. like is it really that hard to handle? and she posts on ig pics of her hanging out with friends.... ik ive been clingy in the past so im just waiting for her to msg me...but i feel like im justified in being a little bit frustrated. but i am actually happy for her (even if i sound bitchy in tone), im just also frustrated

i cant even bring myself to be absolutely self pitying and shit bc like, ive already been through the whole “waaah my life sucks i have no friends except for one or two specific ppl im highly dependent on and that person has other people in their life” like thats so sad but i don’t wanna bother...being a bother. ykwim. lol

it just sucks that i try to be a good friend and i don’t really get that in return. and i don’t wanna contact my uni friends bc they’re just so... AGH. like E i like hanging out with her and i actually did get to a while back but that was basically the last person i hung out with (like 2 weeks ago lmao and before that it was like a month). J i really don’t want to hang out with her. she’s just really fuckin self centred and shes always complaining and shit its fucking annoying. R i kinda don’t wanna talk to bc its still awkward when we don’t hang out with a mutual friend/we were never that close in the first place. and N...i haven’t talked to her in so long but she’s away at uni and talks to other ppl mainly and since our co-op sequences are the opposite we won’t see each other for a long ass time probably. and i forgot to wish her a happy bday and even tho she may not have noticed i only remembered like 2 weeks after i still feel bad lmao but i miss her

idk im still a teen and this friendship bullshit kinda comes with that, but i feel like im just OVER IT. im so done with being constantly emotional about stuff like this. does it even matter.

anyways im gonna be legal fairly soon so i guess ill just make a habit of purchasing legal weed and smoking it alone...idk

i lost internet for 20 minutes when i finished writing all this and wanted to post it that was actually frustrating. but i did brush my teeth and write a little during that time so...it was for the best

[demonphannie]

january 2017 - dan and phil

1/12

happy new year: phil tweets seven minutes after the new year begins: HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!  and dan tweets three minutes later: here's to us pinning all our hopes and dreams for ourselves and the world on the orbit of our indifferent planet around the sun. happy 2017!

first week (1-7): phil announces he has been licked by a doggo and gotten a cold and we still didn’t know where they had gone for new years eve. then dan tweets: to everyone asking if i went to a wild new year's eve party: i spent three hours making an iron bead rapidash (what a nerd). everyone freaks out because we couldn’t tell if they spent new years eve together but dan quells this by making it seem obvious that they were together that night. so it turns out they went up north to hang out with their friends (the parents of emily the baby from that 2012 liveshow) and made crafts and hung out with a dog which is cute. phil posts a recap of his 2016 tweets which most include dan. louise tweets dan about being a furry - he responds (1+2). phil copies dan and starts #HeaderForPhil on twitter. dan made the tv have a beautiful wallpaper of the definition of antichrist. phil mentions voldemort and i couldn’t stop thinking about “i would bang voldemort” for the rest of the day. dan goes to the dentist like the filthy hoe he is and he clenches his teeth as much as his ass it seems. phil tries to take a selfie while sick. day five and phil is still suffering from illness. phil would feel better with a corgi in the house. dan is an emo fuck about christmas trees (and according to dan you have to have a family meeting to take it down? family meeting with phil? ok.) here is phil’s first fan made header and it is lovely. dan makes a wholesome meme because he thinks he’s an emo fuck and phil rt’s for the warmth of positive thinking - really this is just an excuse to post a picture phil took of him wrapped in a blanket. phil finally becomes unsick!

second week (8-14): phil is going to die update #1 - he microwaved a metal fork. he’s so dumb he could microwave his laptop smh. dan emerges out of hibernation and is ready to eat, mate, and scratch himself. “we got a lot of houseplants watch out.” phil realizes he can wink with both eyes at once. phil is going to die update #2 - dan and phil have had a gas leak in their house for god knows how long (why haven’t they died and freed us from this hell? god abandoned us). dan opened submissions for a 2016 dan memes video :// dans first liveshow of the year was very soft and forgiving (highlights: men were in the house and you can hear them and phil in the background, dan’s uploading his younows to his side channel now, dan got a haircut an hour before, he’s going to buy a new piano, phil got him an aesthetic dandle and sand art thing, dan loves collin more than life confirmed, top 2016 albums: 1. frank ocean - blonde; 2. radiohead - a moon shaped pool; 3. kanye west - the life of pablo; 4. solange - a seat at the table; 5. danny brown - atrocity exhibition, not about the fish these days, wants the dentist to hurt him). phil got a haircut (rip dan getting haircuts after phil) and sasses someone on twitter. dan feels like a superhero for not dropping any socks. phil tweets about an action figure’s butt. phil’s first liveshow of 2017! (highlights: it turns out him and dan get haircuts at their house together now that’s gross, thought the gas leak smelled like wet dog...ok, dan got phil this game called codename and a candle, new years resolution is to take care of plants, he’s feeling very creative 2008 again plz, dans mum had a dream about them being in scotland as did phil? psychic much?). phil’s first video of 2017 and phil is going to die update #3: 2017 WANTS ME DEAD. dan and phil go to see la la land. phil updates his community tab on youtube which is interesting (check it out here) and provides us with a snapchat selfie. dan uploads his first video of 2017: The Top Dan Memes of 2016. dan and phil see the cursed child and they shared snacks and giggled at everything together. also they showed each other dog videos. 

third week(15-21): the neighbors have stopped the drilling! dan broke his terrarium and life is pointless. phil brings back an old meme. dan liveshow (highlights: new wifi router, he looked over 100k submissions for his dan memes video, he was sad-tired-cry-laughing in the video dw, he has slightly curly hair but it’s hard to tell, phil doesn’t want death but it’s coming for him, got legos from lego but only kept batman watch, got custom adidas youtube jacket and sweatpants, played mia and sebastian’s theme from la la land!, going to vidcon la, beat phil’s ass at pokemon, he and phil laughed for an hour about the terrarium, gonna do some life things (with phil) and storage is on the agenda.) dan and phil post kawaii edits of their face (s-s-senpai: 1 2 3). phil liveshow! (highlights: phil made chili but got distracted and the chili set on fire and got chili all over the walls and dan was like ok, he wants to cuddle a dog, live opening of yt plaque for one million subs on lessamazingphil, dan and phil went to a bakery and couldnt say no to polar bear cakes, dans terrarium smash was the saddest smash he ever heard, he got a huge thumb statue ://). first gaming video of the year: Dan and Phil Play HAPPY WHEELS. dan breaks one of the polar bear cakes. “coffee and a cake with tv is not a sat at the table experience.” dan and phil rt cool things for the women’s march.

fourth week and the rest (22-31): dan fell down the stairs. phil only wears a towel around the house this is nice information this is fine. phil hits 4 mil on twitter before youtube???? phil expresses an opinion on the taste of coke. dan liveshow! (highlights: they’ve been block filming videos because they are going away for the weekend, he got a soft grey throw blanket which is pure and good? he loved women’s march, he taped a gopro to the pc in the office just in case he ever wanted to film a quick side channel video, said gaykery instead of bakery - rainbow cakes: the diverse bakery, loved troye’s heaven music video, talked about phangate and named phil’s wife sabrina and child lola (explanation! basically someone set up a mock exposé blog called phangate and claimed dan was seeing a lot of people and phil didn’t live with him but instead with his wife and coming child - very drama, much confusion but just turned out to be a parody and is followed up on this blog), going to vidcon anaheim but not sure about sitc or playlistlive, no liveshow next tuesday because he’s going north to celebrate phil’s birthday with pals and fam). second gaming video of the year: DAB BECOMES A TODDLER (good domestic life). phil liveshow! (highlights: literally the most wholesome liveshow in the world, didn’t get much sleep because la la land soundtrack, we have to take care of dab if dan and phil die, martyn visited that day to brainstorm merch, early morning dan broke a pint glass and it was glass dust all over the floor why is their kitchen getting so much abuse (dan cut his hand), phil wants red velvet cake for this birthday, phil’s clickbait-y and couldn’t hatch his emu egg during the liveshow because it takes time, got new houseplant, he’s been having good vibes, talks to janice (his wife from phangate but dan called her sabrina the storylines are shady), 2017 is gonna be more chill but still exciting things happening!!!). dan trapped a spider but it escaped and he is afrightened (suki the hamster pt 2)(also hobbit hair clickbait?). PHIL SIGNED HIMSELF UP FOR A GYM??????ATHEISTS EXPLAIN. fancy sushi restaurant date for phil’s bday (at this restaurant). dan gets his ass stuck in a rocket (but in the bg you can see they are at the isle of man! for phil’s birthday! god fuck! there is a bear on this island!). second phil video of the year: I PREDICT MY FUTURE (ok holy shit phil’s gonna get a dog and a house this video is wild remember when phil predicted dan? this video is legit). PHILS 30TH BIRTHDAY (cath made him a cake and dan professed his undying love for phil?). still up in the north but uploaded the third gaming video of the year: SAVE ME DADDY! - Dan and Phil play: Who's Your Daddy (really who even knows)

january was nice *insert my longest yeah boy ever*

[pixie-lixie]

hello ive been back from the wild for a full week now but i havent come on tumblr onC E thank u vld s7 spoilers :-)

[solasulad]

November Update Mo’de.

November 9th I don’t even know what’s going on. I thought I wanted dick tbh. Like thought I was okay with fucking with him cause I didn’t feel anything for him. Turns out I play myself and etc you already know how this goes...

So I’ve been talking to mode on and off lately mostly weekdays for like 2 weeks we been texting. Was supposed to see him Sunday or something but said fuck it and he never replied back. So he says he has a phone issue okay I get it cause he downgraded to a iPhone 6. Kinda make sense but idk if I even wanna believe his phones been acting up since February.

So.. we had talks of plans on meeting up. Come Monday he’s been very friendly with me via text. Even when I give him half ass replies he takes it and says something else. Told me me missed me again, I said yah sure should’ve ghosted your ass he’s like why? I told him he’s like sorry we can chill this week. This week ended up turning into a w/e feeling tbh. Like I was horny mad horny i was even down to fuck him and not say anything either. Just go there fuck and leave nothing else. Maybe even end it the feeling was just trash tell him I moved on or something and that I want to focus on my self. Sound like a white bitch but it’s true. I really wanted to end it at some point. Everyone I know says he’s not worth it. Damn even my mom says he’s not worth it. He challenges my insecurities. He isn’t that good looking but he makes me feel like I’m just average at best.

Nov 20th So cont. he sends me a message on Tuesday asking about my bday and that I should let him know if anything changes. I said I would, then he finishes the text sentence for me with one word & I reply back like you finishing my sentences he’s like yah real one I’m like cringing rn he’s like boo I’m like don’t.

Lol^ but he never texts me affectionate stuff so that was a turn off since I was already tryna distance myself from that.

So come to Wednesday we still talk via text only** I was horny too 😭 so I messaged him asking if he was busy after work. Then replied back he’s with his homie.. asked me if tomorrow was okay I was like okay.

I just wanted some dick tbh nothing else maybe a little cuddle that’s all 😰

Come Thursday, we text during the morning was still replying late the other day. W/e but we did have plans to link up that night. - we link up Thursday night. He pulls up to tim hortons in my area and I get into his car. We’re just talking for like a bit suddenly out of nowhere my younger brother pulls up, him and his friend in my step dads car. I see him get out the car smoking a cigarette and just standing there.

I’m shook at this point. I lean back in mode’s car because I don’t want to be seen. I confused because I don’t wanna expose myself but I want to approach him and smack him across his head. So he goes into Tim hortons, mode tells me that I should go and just say I saw him pulling out of the drive way. Once he goes inside I quickly run in the store and approach him. I look at him and can tell he’s high. His eyes red, smells like shit & can’t even focus.

So I talk to him and tell him fix up. That’s not the kinda path he’s gonna wanna be on when he’s older.

Long story short, I told him go home and I’m see him there.

I leave the area call mo’de to link up again and he follows me to another spot near by. We talk for a bit I can’t even remember what cause it was two week ago. But we talked for a bit then started making out. He pulls up to another spot, we get in the back and he’s so horny. My intentions that night was to fuck. But the whole seeing my bro thing fucked me up. Like my mind wasn’t there. I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t fuck knowing what I saw. And he was really horny too. I recall him kissing my neck down to my breast and me feeling sad. Like I felt like crying. I even shed a tear but wiped it away. I was just looking at him rubbing his chin, and asking him if he missed me he’s like he does. But I ended that night. Told him I had to go, it was getting late he’s like what, come on Im super H’d. My whole Mode just changed man. Like I felt like crying, felt so bad and sad. Just wanted to be held nothing more. I realized it he can’t love me and that hurts. He can’t love me how I want him to love me. Made me even cry harder that night. So I left it as that. Messaged him later that night when I got home saying I was sorry & that shit just caught me off guard. Didn’t mean it. He’s like he understands. Texted him Friday morning also and then he said he could see me later on after work. I said that was cool, yah cause it’s Friday why not. So I ended up agreeing for 8:30 ish. My friend was buggin so I invited her over and went to the mall together to do a little outfit  shopping for Marisa’s bday. So... times getting closer and he’s not hitting me up. I message him at 9 and ask busy? He’s like yah i say it’s okkk. I leave it as that. From Friday to next week Thursday I never hear from him.  Whole week last week I was like when’s he gonna text me. Check for me? Send me snap? Nothing. Anyways I literally left it as it is, & see a text from him Thursday afternoon asking what’s up. I reply back and so we make plans to link again. He asks about my mtl plans and that’s a flop. Says he’s still going so I’m like lol have fun, he’s like why don’t you come. Awww he’s such a lair I love it. Like tell me to come with you and you gonna hurt my feelings. That’s what niggahs do.

November 22nd cont. He texted me Thursday we talk about the basic shit and kinda make plans to link up but the doesn’t happen. Friday night we say let’s met after work, okay bomb so it’s planned. I get home and have to deal with my older bro getting him a rental under my name. Smh so I’m running back and forth in traffic in the city with him. Let mo’de kno what’s going on. Text him he’s like it’s cool, after works still a go. I get back to the house around 8pm perfect timing. Tell Hoyo I’m about to step out for a bit then bam. He hits me with “his friend got into an accident this is his second accident in two weeks” damn I said. Alright.

Next morning he asked what I was up to I was busy dealing with family wedding planning that weekend so I wasn’t really checking for him like that. I send a text asking if he could visit me and he’s like yah around after the wedding and he’s like yah that’s okay. I’m at the wedding waiting for a text back from him kinda, cause it was an early wedding dinner. By 9:30 I was out that place back home. Didn’t want to stay home but I tried to see what he was up too. No reply back I just left it as that. Texts me in the morning Saturday now asking what I went when I texted him. Convo continued, it was kinda dry. But never really cared. Just wanted dick at that point but also was on my period :(..

He still messages me Monday and we agree to see each other after work. The time comes to see him and I’m already ready at this point. I’m home I leave without telling anyone just out the house Start the car and wait to text him.

We met around his ends a plaza parking lot. I arrived at the plaza around 8:10 maybe waited till 8:40 for this guy. So I was just in the car playing music crying going through emotions while waiting for him.

He comes, I get in his car and we drive off to the back of the plaza... I’m on my period so nothing could even happen. But he parks the car and we talk. We didn’t talk about my bday or the Mtl trip, we didn’t talk about us and how we wanna go from here, we didn’t talk about texts and how we waste each other time. Instead we talk about stupid shit that won’t even matter. I just called him names that whole night. Made fun of him jokingly but seriously. But I did kiss him when I got into the car at first.  

Woah, my train of thoughts everywhere. Shit probably doesn’t even make sense but I’m tryna sum it up. So we talked for a bit then made out. Jumped into the back seat to make out further. Took my jacket off and had him kissing all over me. His soft ass kisses, shit got intense cause I felt his boner through my pants and pad. I had him screaming, moaning telling me he’s coming don’t stop. My jaw got fucking tired but it ended he came so much cum holy. But to end that night, he told me to text when I get home, I told him hit me up if you wanna go out, aka niggah I’m tryna go out..

So fast forward next day Tuesday I’m still calling him names via text. Convo doesn’t really go anywhere but I wanna see him again 😔😔 I just wanna cudddle it’s so cold outside :(

Wednesday I tell him I wanna cuddle then says come then said I’m wild for leaving in the cold. W/e I just want dick and to cuddle not a big deal.

Don’t have plans with him to see him but once my period ends I’m gonna fuck.

- Friday November 23rd. 

So i thought. 

Thursday evening around 7pm the convo was going. Mostly all Tuesday and Wednesday was kinda sex talk. But thursday night he messages me asking if i was home told him yah he's like lucky I'm like nah i wanna be cuddled up with you.... That was around 7pm.. 

i don't get a text back until 9am friday morning aka tonight.. He messages me like so come through.. Im like damn. its a little to late now, then he follows up with a confusing ass convo talking about how he always fucks up things.. Im like L o L have a good weekend talk to you monday.. He's like where you going? I'm like dead at this point because nothing he's saying makes sense and is confusing as fuck. So i sent a text around 6 or 7pm once again and get no reply now its 11:30 just ending off the night. 

Well i know what we are and know we won't be anything more. I don't want a relationship no matter how much my tummy feels for it. 

I can't deal with that that type of fucked up ness in my life. 

Either you with me or you aren't. 

[midsummernightsread]

2017 was a year to be reckon with. Beyond the obvious, political environment, on a personal level, on all levels, this year was one that I would prefer to use as a learning lesson. So, just as warning, this will be a long post.

BOOKS, BOOKS & MORE BOOKS

I reached my Goodreads goal of 200 books this year 😀 Super excited about that because not only did I not reach it last year but I hit constant book walls this year. Between books that couldn’t keep my interest, books that did not live up to the hype and my own expectations and finally books that were poorly written, my book year has been full of highs and lows.

However, I did hit some fantastic reads, some good reads and some pretty covers, that I want to share.

Fantastic Reads

Crown Books for Young Readers Published Sept. 12, 2017 384 Pages

Algonquin Young Readers Published Sept. 19, 2017 272 Pages

HarperCollins Published July 25, 2017 288 Pages

Why were these books fantastic reads? They were engaging, diverse, honest and creative. The plot kept me on my toes, the characters had development and growth. The world, in which the story is set, felt real like opening my front door. Some of these reads fed my love of history and mythology, while other fed my love for a sappy love story. Either way, my fantastic reads of 2017 are highly recommended.

Good Reads

Dutton Books for Young Readers Published Sept. 26, 2017

Kodansha Comics Published Oct. 25, 2016 304 Pages

Why were these books good reads? They didn’t hit all of my points previously mentioned in Fantastic reads. But they did keep me engaged for most of the book and I loved the character. Also these good reads, have a very strong foundation and although not 5 Pickles perfect, I am happy to have read them and read the next book in their series if it applies.

Pretty Covers

Algonquin Young Readers Published Sept. 19, 2017 272 Pages

Flatiron Books TBP Jan. 30, 2018 368 Pages

What’s a year in review, if I don’t display some gorgeous covers. Some of these books I have read, while others I have not been able to get to yet. But aren’t they just beautiful to look at!

WHAT TANYA HAS BEEN UP TO THIS YEAR

So as mentioned this year has been a unexpected force that put a lot of things in perspective. Firstly, I was able to visit my husband in Japan for two weeks and I was able to go to Dominican Republic this year as well. Both were amazing and it made me realize how attainable traveling can be, if you put your money in order. Because of these adventures, I have the wanderlust bug and actively planning a bunch of trips for 2018.

On a emotional level, I have been a mess. I have been missing my husband dearly and the toll of living on the other side of the world was heavy. It’s still heavy but it is much more manageable. We made celebrated two anniversaries this year. 6 years when we started dating or when I stopped being a butt and said sure (October 3rd) and 4 years when we said I do (December 6th). I tend to get a bit emotional when its comes to my Husband because when we met when I was emotionally and spiritually in bad shape. He stuck around even when I didn’t want him to. He means a lot to me and I can’t wait until his deployment is over and he is home for good.

On another note, school has been kicking my butt and the back and forth of if I should even keep going with my masters degree has been a unanswered question for months now. I am leaning towards banging out this final year (InshaAllah) but I am just not into this classes like I thought I would be. But I did better this semester, so hopefully I can keep that going.

I struggled a lot with past Tanya and current Tanya. Past Tanya was getting bored and tired of being in the past and wanted to explore some newfound freedoms, while current Tanya is not for that mess. But because of certain life changing decisions it was hard to stop those thoughts and move forward with the obvious right and better choice. Past Tanya has taken a step back and I pray that it will be for good. Because when I say she was a mess…smh just so messy.

I learned that self-care is needed not every once in a while but all the time and that it can take different forms. For me going to the library or bookstore, taking a bath and disconnecting from social media, have been the best methods I have learned and used a lot this year. I am still growing in this area because me and emotions aren’t the best of friends but I am proud of myself. I had less panic attacks than I did in 2016, so that counts right? Lol

On a second note, I saw my first ballet, went to a Harry Potter experience, watch old anime in a movie theater, met new people, started wearing lipstick, won a few arc giveaways and a bunch of other stuff. Although this year had some downs, the highs were highs but most importantly I lived and got to thank God for that everyday.

Social Media

As of today I have the following followers on each channel I run:

Instagram: viewsfromthe_desktop : 78 Followers

WordPress: motif by Tanya : 122 Subscribers 

Twitter: @motifink 408 Followers 

I have been participating in various twitter chats and hash tags. Social media is taking a lot of my time and I had made it my mission that every month, I will take a week vacation from it. However, despite the overload, I have been putting myself and Motif by Tanya out there and it is visible in the increase of followers. I even began writing monthly updates and topic specific blogs. During this year (2017) I forgot how much I enjoy writing and started making time for it despite my growing responsibilities. I love this renewal and in 2018, I tend to work on my writing more.

What Tanya Wants 2018

There are several goals I am reaching for this year, book related and in real life.

Book Goals:

Start posting regularly for Quick Five© interviews

Begin posting The Frustrated Reader© monthly

Clear out my arc queue on Netgalley

Attend book conventions and festivals

Book Con

Bronx Festival

Y’all Fest

Book Expo

Novateen Book Fest

Well Read Black Girl Fest

Begin posting on either Amazon or Goodreads

Start a YouTube channel

Travel Goals:

Baltimore

Bday Cruise

Seattle

Paris

Chicago

Personal Goals:

Pray 5 daily prayers on time

Quran reading

Learn Arabic

Start rockclimbing again

Learn to fence

Learn to bake bread and make a pie from scratch

Volunteer

Learn to drift & drive a stick

Professional Goals:

Begin freelance writing

Move up in my current company

Own a business

What Tanya Wants New Releases: January 2017

Now what can be a end of the year, beginning of the year wrap up without my anticipated reads for January 2017 🙂

I do plan on participating in #unreadshelfproject2018 but with so many new reads I am waiting for this year, I am going to modify my goal. For every 3 tbr books, physical and digital, that I have, I will read one of wants. Sounds fair right 🙂

In Conclusion:

I know that this was a long post and it could have been several posts spaced out during the week but it was great therapy. What is that saying, speak it into existence? Not only am I doing that but praying first and foremost. Is this considered a new year’s resolution? Naw not really. Motif by Tanya is a book review and author interview website but it is also my baby that I put a lot of time in. It’s time to make her stand out and if that means showing a little bit more of me every so so then so be it.

Peace and Blessings, Ya’ll ❤

Year in Review: 2017 2017 was a year to be reckon with. Beyond the obvious, political environment, on a personal level, on all levels, this year was one that I would prefer to use as a learning lesson.