#and every bfrb i missed

[itsahauntedhouse]

thinking about a time when i was worried about being judged for my scabbed cuticles and my mum told me it wasn't dirty or gross.

so for everyone with a bfrb. you are not dirty. you are not gross. you are not ugly because of your bfrb.

[julia-is-swag]

“small” neurodivergent minori writing :)

2000 words (meant for this to be short and it for out of hand sorry !!)

characters: minori, haruka, airi, shizuku (also all of them are dating (poly relationship) but that’s not explicitly mentioned)

**warnings: bfrb, dermatophagia, skin eating/picking, insecurity**

(ALSO I DIDNT REREAD THIS so if there’s any mistakes that’s why)

minori often found herself picking at her fingers, it comforted her, and it’d been a habit from her childhood that she couldn’t stop. of course, she was embarrassed by it, especially when in public, but the skin peeling off of her pinkie kept resurfacing in the back of her mind, and so, like always, she went back to picking, occasionally using her teeth to break off the piece once it was ready.

it was something minori did constantly, whether it be while walking to class, being in class, walking home, or just doing anything really. there were only a couple times where she wouldn’t pick or eat and that was during dance practice, and other random instances.

her idolmates never really had the time to notice her continuous picking due to their long practices, and their own stress over their idol careers, but as the group grew closer to one another, and spent more time together, the others started to pick up on minori’s “habit”.

-

haruka was the first to notice, being the one who had the most free time, and the one to spend the most time with minori. plus haruka was the more observant of the group.

before one of their livestreams, haruka could tell minori was more nervous than usual, the brunette was tapping her foot harder and less rhythmically than she usually did before their shows, plus minori’s fingers were in her mouth constantly, she kept switching fingers, and picking the cuticles of her pointer finger.

“hey..” haruka started, “do you.. want to hold my hand?”

“huh?” minori said, turning her attention to the blue-haired girl, immediately taking her finger out of her mouth, but still picking at it with her other hand, eyes flickering down every few seconds.

“uhm…” haruka mumbled, thinking about how to continue, “uhm, you seem nervous, and i thought it would help ease your nerves, uh, knowing we’re in this together.”

“okay!” minori agrees, attempting to get her pep up, though haruka could clearly see through the facade. minori was clearly very nervous.

“hey,” haruka says, squeezing minori’s hand, “we’ll be okay, i’ve done this before, you’ve done this before, you’re going to do awesome just like always!”

minori gave a shaky smile back to haruka, squeezing her hand back to reciprocate the message, not knowing how to put her sentiment in words like haruka.

haruka smiles back, squeezing minori’s hand one final time before the group went live.

-

airi was the second to notice, soon after haruka figured out about minori’s “habit”, the pair held hands more often, mainly so minori would stop unintentionally harming herself, but there still were times where even haruka wouldn’t be able to calm minori’s picking.

when airi found out, it was a calm day, the band didn’t have practice, with shizuku having an essay to write, and haruka busy getting tutored, airi and minori were left to their own devices, which brought them to a cafe.

“ooh, can i have some strawberry short cake?” minori asks.

“of course,” the waiter replies, then turns to airi and asks, “and for you miss?”

“i’ll have some tirumisu, please.”

“of course, that’ll be right out for you,” the waiter answers, leaving the two girls alone.

“oh! airi can you show me how to do that move when we have practice tomorrow?” minori says, vaguely moving her body as to describe the move.

“oh, yeah sure!” airi answers, while pulling out her phone, “oh em gee, minori i just remembered, i have to show you this video i found yesterday.”

“ooh!” minori says excitedly, rubbing her hands together for some odd reason, while getting out of her chair to peer over airi’s shoulder.

“isn’t it so adorable!!” airi squeals.

“oh my god, he’s so squishy! i love him so much,” minori exclaims, hugging airi, “i want to just squeeze him until he pops!”

airi laughs at minori’s antics, before showing her another video. (the videos in question being of red pandas, one of minori’s favorite animals.)

“awww, he’s so little!” minori squeals, flapping her hands a bit, airi chuckles again at minori’s excitement, finding it endearing, before taking minori’s hands in her own and telling her to calm down a bit, since people were staring.

“oh, sorry! i didn’t mean to act out like that,” minori apologizes, feeling bad for her outburst, shame overtaking her.

“it’s fine, don’t worry about it,” airi comforts, rubbing minori’s hand with her fingers, “i just didn’t want us to be kicked out of here.”

“… okay,” minori huffs, tapping her fingers, causing airi’s hands to brush against the tips of her fingers.

“woah,�� airi exclaims suddenly, immediately takin minori’s hand in her, examining her fingertips.

“ack!” minori jumps at the sudden movement, quickly trying to pull away from airi’s scrutinizing gaze, she didn’t want anyone to see the horrible state her fingers were in. unluckily for her airi’s grip was strong.

“oh my god minori, what happened to your fingers? are you okay?” airi frantically questions, a confused look on her face.

minori flushes with embarrassment and worry, “uhm, i… i’m fine, don’t worry about it,” she says, attempting to break her hand from the pinkette’s grasp.

“uhm, your literally like seconds away from bleeding, this obviously isn’t normal, what happened?!”

minori mumbles something incoherent, causing airi to ask her to repeat what she said.

minori settles for the explanation, “i, uh, pick my skin sometimes,” making a point not to add the fact that she bites, and more commonly eats the skin that isn’t there.

“that doesn’t look just like sometimes,” airi replies, letting go of minori’s hands, then asks, “why do you do it?”

“well, i don’t really know exactly,” minori starts, “ever since i was a kid i’ve been doing it, and before that i was biting my nails, i guess it’s always been a thing i’ve done.”

“but, it obviously hurts you right? so why don’t you stop?”

“i don’t really know, a lot of it is, well, i don’t really realize i’m doing it, i just do it, or sometimes i can like vividly feel the piece of skin and if i don’t do it it’s the only thing i can think about, it’s pretty odd when i say it out loud,” minori says chuckling slightly, “i probably sound super weird right now, i really hope none of our fans find out about this, they already hate me enough…”

“hey, don’t say that!” airi butts in, “sure, i may not understand this whole finger thing, but don’t go saying our fans hate you, they’re our fans for a reason, if they don’t like you, they are aren’t our fans, they aren’t fans of me, haruka, or shizuku if they don’t like you, i, we, like you, and we accept you for who you are, and our fans should to. so even if i, and our fans, don’t really understand your finger habit, that doesn’t mean we don’t love you the same.”

and at that minori is speechless, she’s never had someone (maybe besides haruka) even accept her weirdness so quickly, and not say any weird comments about her gross fingers. minori feels close to crying, and some tears do end out slipping out once she gets home, “thank you, airi…” minori replies, “i love you, too.”

airi smiles at minori, taking the brunette’s hand into hers, “i will never stop loving you, well, unless you turn into an alien or something.”

and with that minori bursts into laughter. today was a good day.

-

the last to see it was shizuku. which made minori even more nervous, sure she was extremely nervous when haruka and airi found out, but for shizuku, who’s considered the beauty queen, and the most beautiful person in all of japan (at least in her city’s eyes, and the idol-sphere), minori was rightfully nervous for shizuku to find something ugly about her.

even after learning shizuku’s kind nature, and loving heart, shizuku’s reputation with beauty was still one that scared minori. sometimes the brunette wanted to disappear when with shizuku because she felt like she ruined shizuku’s beauty by being there, especially with her disgusting fingers.

thankfully for minori, shizuku’s air-headedness made it easy for her not to notice minori’s fingers. that is until today.

today, shizuku was getting ready for an interview, and she asked minori to help her get ready, which was already a big mistake since minori had very limited knowledge on make-up and accessories, mainly choosing to wear something comfortable and casual.

“so minori, have you ever done make-up?” shizuku asks, excited to finally get hers done by minori.

“nope!” minori laughs, “but i mean, i have to try! it can’t turn out that bad, right?”

“that’s the spirit!” shizuku exclaims, clapping her hands, “now can you try doing my eye shadow first?”

“mhm!” minori answers, grabbing the eyeshadow and dabbing the pastel blue color on with the brush, “oh wow! it’s super bright!”

“yeah! that’s why i chose that color, it also helps accent my eyes!”

“oh really?” minori asks rhetorically before taking a step back and realizing it does, “oh wow, you’re right! how do you even know all this stuff anyways?”

“well, i’ve always loved make-up from a young age, it’s like my own form of art, i guess, so i just studied it a lot!”

“oh! like me with idols?”

“oh, yeah, i guess! … i used to always want to be a make-up artist before i became an idol, i never thought myself to be talented enough to be an idol, but i thought maybe if i did their make-up i would still become famous!”

“oh wow! so you still planned to be in the business before you even were in it, that’s super cool!”

“yeah!”

a couple minutes pass in silence, as minori finishes up the eyeshadow. grabbing a mirror, minori passes it to shizuku, allowing her to take in the eyeshadow minori had put on her face.

“i love it!” shizuku says smiling, even if minori feels like she did an adequate job, seeing shizuku so happy made her feel better about her attempt.

“i’m glad you like it!” minori smiles.

“oh! can you also do my mascara?” shizuku pleads, handing minori the tube of black substance.

“sure!” minori agrees grabbing the tube only to be stopped by shizuku.

“what’s that on your hand?”

the dreaded question, minori feels like time freezes as shizuku leans closer, a confused look in her eyes.

“oh no! minori are you okay??” shizuku exclaims, immediately getting out of her chair and running to her dresser where she keeps bandaids, before minori can even say a word.

“uh, shizuku,” minori starts, causing shizuku to pause her crazed movements, “i’m fine, don’t, uh, don’t worry about it.”

“no, no, you’re obviously not fine, let me take care of that! i have the perfect thing!”

“seriously, i’m oka-”

“nope, shhhh, here i got you a bandaid!” shizuku says, plopping the bandaid onto minori’s mutilated pinkie finger, before realizing all of minori’s other fingers suffered the same fate, “oh no! this is worse than i thought!”

“huh?” minori mumbles.

“you need to come with me!” shizuku exclaims, dragging minori along to her kitchen.

“uhm, shi, what are you doing?”

“making you soup silly, that always helps me heal from stuff, i think.”

minori laughs at shizuku’s antics, yet she still feels worried that her friend will find her ugly and repulsive because of her fingers.

“you, uh, don’t think that i’m ugly because of my fingers, right?” minori asks quietly, biting her finger in anticipation for the answer.

“nope,” shizuku responds, still focused on making the soup, “i’d never think of you as ugly, no one’s ugly, especially not you, you’re super pretty, don’t worry about that. anyone who calls you ugly is just wrong.”

hearing that from shizuku, the beauty queen herself, made minori feel a bit better about the monstrosity she called her fingers, “i… thanks, shi. i really appreciate that, you’re really pretty, too.”

shizuku turns around and smiles back at minori, before adding, “the soups almost ready, do you want some?”

“i don’t think that’ll fix my hands, shi…”

“it’s not meant to fix them minori, they don’t need to be fixed, i just wanted to stop the bleeding, silly.”

minori laughs at shizuku’s stupidity, yet she can’t help but feel like crying at what shizuku just said.

she always felt like her hands were something that needed to be fixed, but even shizuku, the most beautiful girl ever, didn’t see anything wrong with them. and maybe, just maybe, that could help minori realize that her hands are beautiful.

-

end <33

(also included some nd!shizuku undertones w her being hyperfixed on make-up)

hope u enjoyed if u read the whole thing

[glassandmetalwings]

Wings Talks Manga: A Year in Review, Part 1 (Completed stories)

Last year, I told myself I was going to actually really more manga and watch more anime, because despite it being my main style I hadn’t actually read much in awhile. And I actually managed to get a lot done for one year. So below is a list of stories I read/watched and a few quick thoughts on them. Despite having my list open, I’m still probably not going to get to all of them, but I can try.

Be warned for spoilers.

T.egami Bachi (manga)

I love. Anyone following this tag of mine knows this has been a long journey and that I loved every minute of it. The world is beautiful, the characters are great, the emotions run high...it’s incredibly cathartic and engaging. I will never stop lauding it.

Jiu Jiu (manga)

A short series I picked up from the library that I never really covered, but that I enjoyed. Sometimes it felt a little slow to work through, but it was cute and I got really attached to the characters over five volumes. Like the mangaka, I wish there had been more opportunity to delve deeper into some of the story elements, because especially near the end it got confusing. Also I’m assuming it ended in a poly relationship? The protag grows up and has babies but you can’t really tell which love interest is the father, if either are. They’re all together in the final picture and I support it but it also bugs me bc I am confused.

Dreamin’ Sun (manga)

Mixed feelings on this one. I honestly expected a modern fantasy involving a baku going into this based on the back cover. I was wrong. I was really cute, if not overwhelmingly emotionally frustrating/full of secondhand embarassment at some points. The characters are super well-developed and continue to evolve and grow through the series. I will forever complain about the protag falling in love and centering her life around an adult man, but there were also some very touching elements that I can’t help but remember fondly.

The Wize Wize Beasts of the the Wizarding Wizdoms (manga)

The first of a lot of BL I read this year, which is honestly very new to me. My introduction to Nagabe. I’ve mentioned there’s one story I’m not too fond of, but it could be my interpretation of it. Overall very much loved it and especially love the art style.

K.amisama Kiss (manga)

I series I kind of picked up on a whim and absolutely fell in love with. Cute, funny, touching, well-thought out. There were some elements I didn’t understand (like the end), but my enjoyment overall made up for it. The one thing I wish for was a little more development for some of the minor characters. Also I love Mizuki and his development throughout the series. He makes me emotional.

Our Dining Table (manga)

Another cute, simple love story about two guys making food. I don’t have a whole lot to say about this other than it’s cute and you should read it. Although I obviously have no issues with teenage protags, it was refreshing to have a love story about two working adults that didn’t have to involve sex. Also can totally understand one guy’s aversion to eating with others, even if my own isn’t as severe.

Love on the Other Side (manga)

More Nagabe. Really, really cute. I love the story with the bird (of course). The softness of the stories and Nagabe’s art style really have stolen my heart.

B.lack Butler: Book of Circus (anime)

We all know why I watched this. Sadly the ending is as gruesome as the manga, and the one or two scenes they added didn’t play well on the DVD. But still a delight (up until the end).

The Devil is a Part-Timer (anime)

Interesting. Funny. A good world base, but I feel they could have developed it a little more, and the last episode kind of soured it a little for me because there was no really wrap-up. But I liked the characters and had a lot of fun watching it while crocheting. Wish there was a season two.

The Bride was a Boy (manga)

A brief autobiographical manga about a trans woman, filled with lots of tidbits about transgender individuals and things like HRT. Short, sweet, cute, and full of love and joy. Again, not much to say other than I recommend it.

Fractale (anime)

A lot to process. I think I would need to watch it again to fully wrap my head around it, if not more than once. An interesting world, great character, engaging story, and beautiful animation. Plus just...kinda relevant in a way that’s hard to describe. Think ease of technology verses governmental control via tech. I really loved the episode about the mysterious photographer. Plus I just fell in love with the ending song.

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (anime)

Yes, I’d never watched this before. Gonna say, not my favorite Miazaki, but as usual an excellent story with a lot of background and development. And of course I loved the creature design. Glad to finally have it watched, after all these years, but I also can’t help but wonder what the original English release was like, knowing they cut/edited a lot. Because a lot of that violence and death was...kinda necessary to understanding character motives.

H.aibane Renmei (anime)

Again, another series that’s been at the top of my list for forever. I didn’t even have an excuse not to watch is as I own the DVDs. Excellent, and touching, if not cutting a little too close to home at times (like self-harm/BFRB). Really my introduction to ABe, and I have to say I never saw the ending coming. But would definitely watch again and again. Kinda wish I could do a cosplay for this series (I’d probably be Nemu, or one of the masked characters), but I feel like you need a group for it.

G.osick (anime)

I didn’t complete this one, I’m sorry. I think the art is great, and the arcs in concept are amazing...but it falls through in the delivery. The characters don’t really feel like they have driving motives behind their actions, and sometimes the evidence and stuff are things you can’t discern from watching (’I can tell you aren’t the daughter of a coal baron because you walk short distances before turning sharply and walking the other way, like you’re pacing in a small psych ward cell’-yes, that’s a real example). Lots of potential, but not great. Sorry.

Wolf Children (anime)

Very cute. Beautiful anime. I don’t think I can say much about this that hasn’t already been said. My favorite part is the ending where she’s saying goodbye just because of how both painfully and empoweringly emotional it is.

5 Centimeters Per Second (anime)

Not bad, but probably not my favorite. It didn’t help that the version I was watching didn’t translate all of the writing, so I feel like I missed a lot of elements. While the story is definitely a sentiment I can get behind, it was also a little bit unsatisfying for me, especially at the end. But idk, maybe I just don’t like the idea of moving on when there’s the opportunity to not.

Colorful (anime)

It was...a film. About a suicide. Looking back I don’t particularly feel strongly either way about it. I think the ending was good, and giving the protag some sort of motivation, but it took forever to really get to a point where I cared about him (or he seemed to really care about the body he was inhabiting and the person he was trying to be). Some of the stuff was just...uncomfortable. It’s probably worth watching, but overall I wasn’t wowed by it.

Ibistu (manga)

My first shrink-wrapped manga. It ties together very well in the end, and the horror and violence elements did elicit some very visceral reactions in me (particularly the threat of the iron and, later, the staples). The short stories were also good, particularly the doll factory one, but I wasn’t the most fond of the one about the mangaka. Just know there’s a reason it’s shrink-wrapped and it’s not a ‘positive’ one.

A Silent Voice (anime)

Probably one of my favorite films. While I didn’t always understand the motivations behind some of the characters or their actions, it wasn’t in a way that made me uncomfortable like some of the things in Colorful did. It felt more natural for them to be irrational. Again, there is suicide, so be warned if you don’t want to deal with that. But the story is sweet and the characters are amazing. But I also have a weakness for things involving sign language and communication.

Children Who Chase Lost Voices (anime)

Very cool. Beautiful landscapes. Gave me very strong Princess Mononoke vibes at some points, but it also stood as its own story with interesting characters there are elements I wish we could have delved deeper into, though. Also...what war did the teacher fight in? It didn’t look very modern. Also also I will forever wince at the pronunciation of ‘Quetzalcoatl’. Death is a strong theme in it, so be prepared if you watch it.

The Boy and the Beast (anime)

Excellent character design. Excellent story. Excellent animation. My one complaint would be that the climax felt kind of thrown together, even though it tied back to the beginning in a good way. But overall a beautiful world with some great humor and intense elements.

The Garden of Words (anime)

Spoiler: again a story about a kid falling in love with an adult. From a platonic standpoint, the story still feels a little weird, particularly in terms of the woman’s motivations, but looking back her not getting too involved in him missing school...kinda feels like what I would do to, especially in her situation. It’s sweet, though. Maybe it’s just me and my preferences, but some elements feel a bit incomplete, and I wish had been explored/wrapped up.

Summer Wars (anime)

Probably a favorite on the films list. Again, beautiful animation. I’m not going to get over this style. But I especially liked the design of OZ and the excess of blank space in it. Characters were many but great (although I didn’t get the one baseball player was part of the family until almost the end, but that says more about me and paying attention). Even Mom got really engaged in it when I had her watch it with me (I also had her watch Wolf Children, which I thought she would like more, but apparently not). There is a character death, but if you don’t mind that it’s definitely a watch.

Beauty and the Beast Girl (manga)

A cute little story about a blind girl and a dragon girl falling in love-what more could you want? Their histories actually tie together in a really neat way. Honestly my one complaint would be that the ending feels a little too ideal and easily wrapped-up. But sometimes we need things to be that perfect, you know?

P.andora Heart (manga)

The other big story I tackled this year. There were points that were a bit slow/disengaging to me, but overall once I got hooked I really loved it. I think I need a second read to really fully understand it (if that’s possible), but equal parts cute, intense, and bittersweet. Elliot’s whole development was probably my favorite bit.

The God and the Flightless Messenger (manga)

My last story of 2020, and a very cute one at that. Another short story, with beautiful art. I don’t...really know what to say about it. It’s cute, and the love story feels both very natural and almost...secondary? Idk how to describe that. The relationship between the two of them is obviously key, but it’s the type of story where ‘I love you’ isn’t needed. It’s already there.

So yeah, there’s the list. It’s a long list. I probably still missed some. I might try to make a second list with ‘in progress’  series but I’ll be playing that by ear. I’d love to hear some of you all’s thoughts on these stories (if you’ve read/watched them), or which you now want to read/watch!

[an-organized-confusion]

[TSS] Masterpost Time

I think it has been due time to set this sort of thing up, because I wanted to update my pinned post with this.

Gymrat!AU

Fics on Ao3, here.

Art/Writing tag on main, here.

Masterlist here.

iZ!AU [Body Horror Warning]

Fics on Ao3, here.

Art/Writing tag on main, here.

[Masterpost pending?]

Begotten!AU Masterpost [Pending; Body/Cosmic Horror Warning]

Promethean!AU [Body Horror & Gore Warning]:

What started this?

Muse!Roman Art - (He looks like a mannequin.)

Creativitwin Angst

Wasteland Effects & Shitty Puns

Nepri!Logan Art - (Gore, missing leg.)

Wretched!Remus Art - (Look like Frankenstein’s Monster. Potential eye strain from lightning/fire elements.)

Who Made Them & How Did They Get All The Bodies?

Wretched!Remus HCs

Tammuz!Virgil Art - (Crystal growth, cracks on skin, parts “melting”.)

Hollow!Janus Art - (Bones visible, emaciated in appearance, lots of blood.)

Muse!Patton Art - (Looks like a Ken doll. [Candy/Pastel] gore, he’s been stabbed and guts are visible.)

Attitudes on Humans

Dukeceit Shenanigans

Wretched!Remus, The Propane Salesman

...

Analysis Posts [Usually typology stuff]:

Neurological Rambling (Right vs Left Brain Stuff)

Main Typology Post

Logan-Centric Typology Post

Feedback Loops

Four Tendencies

More Creativitwin MBTI Stuff

Loops & Grip-States

The Inner Jackass

How They [Can] Make Each Other Better

Enneagram Stuff

Anxiety & Reappraisal

Chiaroscuro & the Creativitwins

Roman & Remus’s Extroverted Judging Functions

Roman Being An Upholder (Response to a thread)

Remus Being A Rebel

Idle Minds Think Up Weird Shit

Horror & Humor

Ego-Syntonic vs Ego-Dystonic

Roman & Remus’s Thinking Functions

Roman & Logan’s Relationship with Te

Enlightenment vs Romanticism (Response to a thread)

...

Incorrect Sides Quotes:

#1 | #2 | #3 | #4 | #5 | #6 - “Metalocalypse“

#7 | #8 | #9 - “Mythbusters“

#10 - “Here Comes Dr. Tran”

...

Music Associations:

Another Masterpost

Infected Mushroom Songs

“Dork“ Sides in a Psychobilly Band

Remus Would Like Nekrogoblikon

Sides Singing “Fuck Everything“

Some Dark!Roman Songs

Fun Music Transformations

Dethklok Songs

Every Noise At Once - Genre Talk

My “Bad“ Music Taste

Boil The Frog

...

Fitness Silliness:

Creativitwins At The Gym

Sides & DAREBEE RPGs #1

Sides & DAREBEE RPGs #2

Various Events/Programs/Etc. I Associated With the Creativitwins

Fireheart Program - Very Roman

DARETREE stuff

...

Personal / About the Mod:

BFRBs Definitely Desensitized Me of That Imagery

Ways I Describe My Creativities

Me / My Child / My Spouse

Relating with Intrulogical

My Creativities’ Fusion

Some Childhood Memories/Stories With My Bro

Nightmares & Intrusive Thoughts: From A Horror Artist

My Creativities’ Inception

Which Sides I Would Fight & Would They Kick My Ass

Me And Co-Conspirator Do Some Relating With Remus

I Really Like Undead Stuff, Okay?

How I Would Relate to Ace!Remus & Aro!Roman

Some of My Sides

Ships I Relate To The Most

Some Ways I Relate To Janus

Nausea Fuel Nostalgia

Sap Mode - My Light Creativity

Stan/Simp (+more Patton feelings.)

...

Miscellaneous:

A fun reaction to “Am I Original?“

Reacting to “Turkish Star Wars“

As Final Fantasy Job Classes

Comparing Monkeybone to The Creativitwins

As Metalocalypse Characters

Sheo & Remus Totally Have The Same Energy (very popular post, for this blog)

I Like Physical Comedy, Okay?

Characters That Remind Me Of Remus (fairly popular post)

Sides’ Opinions On Final Fantasy

Undead Sides

Patton, Janus, and Wordplay

Remus & Dangerous Chemicals

Truffles & Remus

Roman influencing Remus

Movie Night in The Imagination

Cheap/Fast/Good

The V-22 Osprey Was A Disaster

“Why We Love Villains“

As Repo! Characters

FWSA: What Could’ve Been

Remus as Chemistry Teacher?

Some Fun Linguistics Stuff For Janus

Some Gross Smell Science

...

Whoo boy - was it worth an allnighter to screen through my entire blog to do this? Probably not... but it is one less thing to worry about! Even if my ANS be wigging out hella bad rn. WOOPS. orz

(Also went through and tagged all my posts #(mod post) that weren’t already. Huzzah for nearly pointless blog housekeeping.)

[pirate-patton]

Title: Twitching Fingers; Helping Hands A/N: i don’t have trich, but i do have multiple bfrbs, so hopefully this is accurate. this is also barely edited oops (also i’m not adding my tag list to this simply for what it is, but i am tagging @ethospathoslogan, my bfrb buddy) Warnings: trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder), cursing. seriously, tread with caution if you have trich

Virgil’s fingers always twitched when he ran them through his hair.  A reflex, really.  His fingers twitched over bad hairs, ones too course or too thick, and it took everything in himself to keep from simply yanking the bad hairs out.  He knew once he plucked one, it wouldn’t be enough, and he couldn’t pull in front of the others.

He couldn’t pull in front of the others, but once he was left alone, his fingers twitched even worse.  Virgil couldn’t help but rub the back of his head as he sat in front of the mirror in his room.  He could feel the soft hairs growing back in some places as well as the bald spots where he’d recently pulled each hair from it’s place.  At least when he was alone he would be the only one there to judge when he pulled.

He didn’t know when he started to pull, but he looked down to his lap and could only see the growing pile of his own hair as he dropped another strand.  His fingers quickly found another hair, and another, and another, and even though Virgil winced, he still easily yanked the hairs free.  His room was dark, and he couldn’t see the damage, but he knew from the tickling on his legs that he’d made quite the mess of his hair.

So, the next morning he wore his hood up.  That hid the bald spot easily enough, and the others didn’t comment on it.  He wore his hood up the whole day, which kept his hands out of his hair.

Keeping his hands out of his hair seemed like a great idea, though the images of his hair piled in his lap and his hair laced in his fingers made the digits twitch.  He could tap his fingers against his hood, drop his head into his arms and tap away as he tried to find a way to relieve this itching feeling, this need to pull.  Which was when Virgil found his feet carrying him to the bathroom.  His hands found the tweezers in the cabinets, and he looked at himself in the mirror.

He couldn’t let himself destroy his scalp again, make his bald spots worse again, but there was something else he could pull that would let him feel satisfied.  Which is the logic that made him pull himself up on the sink to be closer to the mirror and raise the tweezers to his eyebrows. The first one hurt terribly, but he was prepared for the second one.  The third one made it a pattern, and soon the sink was covered in the dark hairs that had made up Virgil’s eyebrows.

The bad part about pulling his eyebrows, Virgil realized too late, was that he had to make them perfect.  They had to match, had to match, had to match.  So, he pulled and pulled and pulled, making them thinner and thinner with each hair.  He pulled them thinner and thinner until they were gone, and he cursed under his breath.

Back into the cabinet Virgil’s hands went, except this time they produced a makeup bag.  He had to draw on his brows, but at least this way he could make them look just the way he wanted.  He could make them perfect.

Virgil put the bag away, cleaned off the sink, and walked out of the bathroom like he hadn’t spent over an hour in there.  And, that was that.  Virgil felt satisfied for the moment, and everything was all better.

Until Roman came in.

“Virgil, how on earth have you had that hood on all day?!”

“I just have,” Virgil responded, not looking up from his phone.

“It’s burning up in here, and you’re flushed!” Roman said, plopping down beside Virgil.

Virgil was well aware of how warm it was, but covering his hair and keeping it away from twitching hands was a better alternative to leaving it uncovered and showing off the nice little bald spot at the back of his head.  “I’m fine.”

“Yeah, right.” Roman rolled his eyes, and Virgil got to his feet to leave.  Just as he did, though, Roman tugged his hood down and revealed a large spot on the back of Virgil’s head completely absent of hair and irritated as could be.

“Roman!” Virgil shouted in anger, and Roman’s eyes widened.  “You piece of shit, what the fuck?!  I said I’m fine!”

“…What happened?” Roman asked as calmly as he could, and Virgil just shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter, don’t fucking worry about it!” Virgil insisted, throwing his hood back up and starting to stomp off back to his room.  But, just as he made it three steps, Roman snatched his hand.

Roman turned Virgil around, and he could see now that Virgil’s eyebrows were missing.  “Did you do this to yourself?” Roman asked softly, reaching a hand up to touch.  But, Virgil turned his face away, refusing to tear up in front of Roman.

“I couldn’t help it.  I couldn’t pull from my scalp again, not twice in a row…” Virgil said, which didn’t help to explain it Roman one bit.

“Why did you do this?” Roman asked, just wanting to understand what was wrong.

All Virgil could do was shake his head, reaching up with his free hand to scratch the back of his head, but before he could pull, Roman stole the hand.  That finally broke Virgil down, and his eyes burned with tears. “Roman, I have to, let go of my hand!” he insisted, pulling on his hands.

Roman just tightened his grip, squeezing Virgil’s hands.  “You don’t have to pull your hair out, Virgil. You don’t.  There’s nothing making you, nothing besides yourself.  It’s OK,” he said, but Virgil just shook his head, and his tears started to fall.  His forced himself against Roman’s chest, crying into his shirt.

He couldn’t explain why he had to pull.  He didn’t really understand the need himself, but he knew that he needed to pull a few hairs, and he needed to do it now, or else he wouldn’t be able to calm down.

Roman didn’t know where this urge came from, or why it had such a strong hold on Virgil, but any words of comfort he tried on the anxious side seemed fruitless.  He didn’t know what he could do, but for the moment he held onto Virgil as tightly as he could.  It didn’t seem like there was anything he could do, not until Virgil’s tears slowed and his sobs quieted.

“Roman,” Virgil started, and there was fear in his voice, “can… can you shave my head?” He knew there was no other way to stop pulling.  Everything was useless, every fidget toy, every distraction hobby, everything did nothing.

…

And that evening, Virgil wore his hood for a different reason.  This was only a temporary solution, but he had Roman to help him. He had Roman to hold his twitching fingers and calm them down.

[hot-mysticc-mess-blog]

hi! I was wondering if you could do RFA + Saeran and Vanderwood with MC having Trichotilomania? It’s something I have and I haven’t seen anybody write about it before. Thank you!!

I personally don’t have Trichotillomania, but I have a problem with picking my cuticles so these are in part based on my experiences with picking as well as the research I did for this set of headcanons. 

My Masterlist

Jaehee

She absolutely notices any missing patches in your hair

“Did something happen!?” She asks the first time she noticesIs very apologetic about how insensitive she must have seemed when you tell her about your trichotillomania

Is sympathetic about any shame you feel, but makes sure to let you know she thinks you have no reason to be ashamed

Does some research and makes sure to talk with you so she understands a little bit more about the motivations behind your hair pulling.

She keeps little toys all around the house and hands them to you when you start pulling at your hair

Makes sure you have a little space in the coffee shop you can retreat to when you feel stressed out

You always know whenever your hair looks particularly good because she lets you know at least three times that day

Is always willing to help if you show an interest in styling your hair and will research the best products for you to use

Yoosung

The least helpful, and a terrible actor so when if any picked-over patches stand out he definitely looks shocked first

“MC! Your hair!”

Feels bad about it when it upsets you and genuinely does try to be better, but he’s still very expressive and easy-to-read

nudges you if you start picking in public

“It’s okay MC, I have bad habits too.” it’s not just a bad habit but okay Yoosung

Will, in the car after the actual situation is over, threaten to fight anyone who says anything about it

Definitely wants to help you stop! Will do whatever he can, though that’s usually limited to his nudging and helping you tape your fingers sometimes 

Jumin

“Why are you pulling out your hair, love? Doesn’t that hurt?”

He has a seemingly infinite amount of questions when you first tell him. While he is concerned that you are damaging your body, he is genuinely curious rather than disgusted.

Makes Jaehee write him a report

He has professional stylists who are masters at hiding any bald spots you might have from a flair up, and if you wanted he would get you the best wigs or hair pieces.

There are maids to clean up any hair that gets left behind so that’s fine. Besides there’s so much c-hair around from Elizabeth he’s used to it.

In some ways it makes his life easier because it’s an obvious tell. He knows roughly where your mental state is at by your hair and how frantically you’re picking at it.

He still insists upon (and pays for) visiting a therapist though.

Will pay for anything that will help you or improve your quality of life and regularly makes suggestions until you have a routine and treatment that seems to be working

Zen

“Oh you’re looking for greys? Here, I’ll help you look.” Zen is already starting to pick through your hair like a gorilla before you can even say anything. He has seen more than a few actors pulling out grey hairs in the dressing room.

It’s probably not until the second time he catches you pulling out strands with a mirror nowhere in sight that he realizes you’re just pulling at it, and aren’t actually looking for anything.

“MC, why are you pulling out your hair? It’ll thin out if you do that.”

It takes him a bit to really understand that, yes, it’s really a disorder not just a bad habit.

Is genuinely shocked about any bald patches you have, but he’s a good actor so he fakes that it doesn’t bother him because he doesn’t want to upset you

You bond over your mutual psychological attachments to things that are bad for you and cause you shame, his being cigarettes

It wasn’t really something he felt like he could talk to with anyone else. He always told himself he was being ridiculous and weak-willed, but you’re not ridiculous and weak-willed and you feel the same way

You don’t spend much time out in the spotlight because of his contract, but he’s always willing to help you accessorize and find the right hair products if you need them.The two of you end up styling each other’s hair whenever you get ready to go out.

Holds your hand every time he sees you start pulling at your hair

Very sweet about any insecurities you might have over it, and lays the compliments about everything else about you on thick

Saeyoung

Never says anything about it

He’s noticed, of course, the way you mindlessly pull out your hair and how it tends to pick up when you get stressed

He just chooses not to comment, says nothing about any bald spots you have

Runs his fingers through your hair all the time because he likes doing it and he doesn’t care what it looks like.

If he notices you’re feeling self-conscious about your hair or your picking, he’ll fill an entire chatroom with ALL CAPSLOCK compliments about how great you are.  

Will only talk about it if you bring it up, and is more than happy to let you know that it doesn’t bother him at all and offers you free reign of all his wigs and to go get acrylic nails with you. He thinks he’ll look great in some bright purple coffin-style nails

Saeran

You can both be on the BFRB (Body Focused Repetitive Behavior) train together!

Sometimes the two of you end up sitting in silence, picking at yourselves for several minutes while Saeyoung wonders what he has gotten himself into to.

He is of the opinion that as long as it helps you feel better and isn’t seriously hurting you, it isn’t a big deal

You have a small bald spot? Your hair is getting thinner? Saeran never noticed

Assumes you have no insecurities because you’re great? And constantly supportive? And always giving him the best pep talks?

But if you do let him know about them he is ready and willing to tell you how dumb all of them are

And if that doesn’t work, and the insecurities still seem to bother you, he might ask Saeyoung for help

Vanderwood

He doesn’t like how hair gets everywhere to begin with

This man has keeping hair out of the shower drain down to a science

The fact that you pull out your hair and leave MORE hair around irritates him

“Stop pulling out your hair. My couch doesn’t need a fur coat.”

He finds out the hard way not to tease you about it

Is apologetic (in the usual Vanderwood way of sounding a little insincere even if he means it) about it afterward once he realizes how upset you actually are.

The good thing is, he learns fast and it is never an issue again, though there is some vague grumbling about how often he has to vacuum from time to time

“If it’s a problem, then you should get help for it.” Vanderwood knows he’s not much help. Other than the mess, he doesn’t mind too much but yeah, it looks weird and he has no idea how to help you stop.

Your appearance? “It’s not a big deal, you’re human. I have those scars. You have a bald patch.”

[iteamhelena]

BFRB Awareness. Dermatillomania recovery tips ans tricks.

This year again I missed “BFRB AWARENESS WEEK” (October 1-7, 2017) Bringing awareness to Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors such as Trichotillomania, Dermatillomania (Excoriation Disorder), and other coinciding BFRB’s.

However, I’d like to share some tips and tricks that helped me personally to conquer Dermatillomania. I hope these would be useful :)

1. Study your behaviour.

The most important rule is to watch yourself carefully and learn your habitual patterns. I suggest you to write down every time you pick your skin for 1 week.

Immediately note:

when were you doing it

where were you doing it 

what you were doing right before that happened

what you were feeling right before that happened

what you were feeling right after that happened

In about a week you will 100% know what situations cause you to turn to skin picking. You will learn your triggers. You will also understand your inner alarm, warning you about upcoming picking session. You will recognize your feelings and you’ll notice that dermatillomania doesn’t help to cope with any of them at all. You will also realize that afterwards feeling of guilt and shame sucks a lot and not worth the “zone-out” seeming peace.

2. “If I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist”

Now, when you know your triggers, avoid them at all costs.

The general rule is - you don’t see your skin - you don’t pick on your skin.

If you know, that you tend to pick right after you get out of the shower - get dressed immediately. Set an alarm, that will only allow you to have a shower, and that you can only turn off AFTER you get fully dressed. 

If you know, that you tend to pick after workouts, for example, you’re stretching and you just pressed your nose against your legs and your mind goes “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT” - wear long leggins, long socks, cover every inch of your skin, don’t look at it at all.

If you pick your face - change the lamp near the mirror, make it terribly dim. Put a desk in front of the mirror, so you can’t come close enough to pick.

Make it as difficult to pick on your skin, as humaly possible.

3. Distractions.

Find something that works for you - fidget toys, spinners, watching TV, listening to mucis, writing, dancing. Run to your family, make a conversation with them, you can’t pick around them anyway. Talk to your friends. Scream. Pretend that you’re a possum and hiss at your mirror image. I mean, do whatever the fuck you need to do.

4. Trick yourself.

If you’re 100% sure, that you’re going to pick and even pretending to be a possum didn’t help, do this:

Get some healing ointment. It should be thick and opaque and, desirably, it should have healing properties. Mark all the spots you want to pick with the ointment. Tell yourself, you’ll pick them as soon as you’d be finished. Now look at your skin, all spots covered under the thick layer of the cream. Think about what you could have done to your skin, but you didn’t. Imagine them irritated, inflamed, bleeding - but now your skin is safe and recovering. Feel fucking proud. Feel amazing about yourself. Feel awesome about giving your skin a much needed time to heal.

5. Get in love with your skin.

Quote from Night Vale twitter that helped me a lot:

“You have nice skin. It really holds in all your blood and organs - no leaking or nothing. You look great.”

Sometimes you might feel frustrated and angry about how your skin looks. You might feel like you’re going to have this marks forever, like your skin is your main source of stress and disappointment.

The truth is - you skin is an amazing organ. Your skin is so awesome and it loves you. It works so hard to protect you from and outside dangers. It’s doing its best every day. It recovers and heals up all the time. Your skin is your best friend. It asks you for help, for a little support. Join forces and beat dermatillomania’s ass! You’re totally capable of this. Apologize to your skin, feel sorry for hurting it, for hurting yourself. It’s time to heal.

6. Make healing faster.

As a rule of a thumb - your skin needs to be cleansed 1-2 per day, peeled 1-2 per week and moistured daily. This has a lot to do with #4 and #5. Imagine, how your skin is healing up under the scabs. It’s working really hard and you need to help it gently. Letting your body do the work is good AND you can fasten the process a lot. If there are certain activities, that irritate your skin and cause you to pick - stop doing them for a while. Stop shaving, wearing tight clothes, tanning, if necessary. Avoiding straight sun is recommended, while your skin is healing up.

From my personal experience (I had this for 5-6 years) - it took me 1 year to gradually stop picking at all. In half a year I saw a great progress in my skin condition. In 1 year all spots, minor scars and hyperpigmentation faded away at least 50%. In 2 years I can’t find almost any evidence of former lesions, like srsly.

You’re not alone, you’re strong, smart and amazing and in time you’ll be free of your bfrb. On this way you’ll become wiser, more informed and more confident. You’re able to do this. 100% true.

[bfrb]

So uh.. I've been picking at my skin for as long as I can remember. Any time I pop pimples, scabs always form and I find myself constantly picking at them as soon as they return. This often leads to tearing the skin around the scabs and making them bigger. My face, arms, hands and legs are covered in scars from picking so much, and my nails and nail beds are destroyed from me constantly picking and biting at them. How do you go about talking about these things to a doctor..?

Hey there! I’m really really sorry that I’ve missed this post. It’s probably been sitting around for months, I was away for a while.

I’m really sorry anon, but I don’t really know how to answer this question, as every time I’ve ever brought it up to a doctor they usually brush it off. (I had a cognitive behavioural therapist who decided I didn’t need to see him anymore because he couldn’t SEE where I was picking, as if that made a difference)

My suggestion is, go to your doctor armed with all the information you can gather about BFRB’s, and make them look it up too if they haven’t heard of it (I’ve heard of someone in a facebook support group doing this and getting successfully diagnosed, and was referred to CBT and put on a medication that helps control OCD)

[trichsterfilm]

Grace’s story

During the course of filming, so many of you expressed the desire to share your story. Hundreds of you have reached out via social media and email. We're expanding Trichster's voices by including yours. First up: Grace. Read her story below:

I have had Trich since I was 11 it started getting worse at 13 as I was getting ready to go into high school and the stress of tests and math class was overwhelming. There were also incedences of bulling and a lot of home problems. Then my parents divorced. I knew it was going to happen, they were nearly compatible for each other. So I get to high school with a freshly broken family. At 15 I stopped seeing my dad because a relationship with him was too toxic. It was just me my mom and two siblings. I had kept my Trich a secret for four years now and no one knew I did it. I was missing hair in places but I blamed that on hair dye drying it out or accidentally burning it off with a straightener. I used elaborate excuses to hide it but my mom still believed them. We would try to hide my bald patch with different haircuts and hairstyles and she would grow more impatient when it would get bigger. I remember crying on the bus my first day of 10th grade because she had just yelled at me about how awful my hair had looked. She did not understand why my hair looked so bad at the time. As the year progressed she noticed my hands in my hair a lot and random balls of hair the size of a base ball. Hair covered the car from bored car rides. She started to put things together. Every time I touched my hair she yelled at me and told me I was crazy I needed to be in a metal ward. Hearing her yell was common but hearing things like this yelled at me hurt. I didn't know why I pull my hair I was already upset with why I couldn't stop. She sent me to homecoming crying because she couldn't figure out what to do with my hair because it was missing and looked awful and I needed to stop doing this insane thing. I started doing my own hair for formal events after. At 17 I was talking to a friend about this and she said it was a form of self harm. I looked into it and found it was Trichotillamania and actually a BFRB caused by anxiety. At one point it was classified as self harm but has since changed. I tried to think of how to tell my mom about this but I couldn't so i started with telling my friends. They were very helpful if I was pulling they would hold my hand instead of slapping it away or yelling at me to stop. Then the day where I had actually told my mom what it was came. She was yelling at me about it and I was of course a mess from crying and I told her it wasn't weird it affected one in thirty three usually women. She laughed and I told her the name. Then she got angry. She yelled at me that I was trying to make myself more important than I really am that I was seeking attention. She brought up my terminally I'll friend and asked if I was trying to be like her. She asked if I was trying to have an illness of my own just because I wanted attention. "Yours is made up but she is dying from hers!" She had yelled a few times. I spent the rest of the day crying yet again. At the last week of school she had taken away my phone because of this and I finally had a breaking point in my theater class. One of the guys said something thatjust hit my breaking point and I ended up in a panic attack where I started ripping my hair out. No one had ever seen me like this and it freaked a bunch ha of my class out. Me and my theater teacher had a talk about this and I vented to her about all the problems between me and my mom. I explained the hair pulling and she asked why I didn't just stop. At the time I told her "I just can't." too tired of explaining Trich to everyone but have since regretted it. I wish I explained it but it\'s too late now. Talking to her made me feel a lot better though and there is a reason she was my favorite teacher after four years of high school I do miss her. I'm 21 now and my mom doesn't yell as much, but I hardly ever talk to her. The way she treated this has broken our relationship. I try to stay civil but I don't exactly want to be close to her. Friends and my grandparents have become more important to me. My grandparents try their best to understand and don't become angry when I litter their car with hair. They politely tell me to stop pulling or ask me if something is wrong. My friends let me talk to them or still hold my hand. If I look too stressed from doing homework or a club project they help me take a study break. I've even met friends with Trich as well. Since I'm now in college and away from my mother I can hang out with them more. I never want to lose this. I take medication now too that helps a bit with pulling I do pull less but it's not like it has stopped. Trichotillamania is still very much a part of my life and I guess it always will be. I\'m stuck with it but that's okay.

Want us to feature your story on or social media platforms? Write us! Tell us what Trichotillomania or another BFRB means to you. Select stories will be shared on Trichster’s social pages. Let's keep the conversation going. Head over to our website and fill out this form:

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[thingsandtrichotillomania]

BFRB Awareness Week #SeeMeStand 2017

Every year from the 1st of October to the 7th of October (so the 1st week of October) it is BFRB Awareness Week. Here’s just some facts and info about it and some of my personal experience with living with a BFRB.

What does BFRB stand for?

BFRB stands for Bodily Focused Repetitive Behavior.

What are some BFRBS?

Some of the more common BFRBs can include Trichotillomania, Dermatillomania, Rhinotilloxmania (?), Trichophagia, Onychophagia and more.

What is Trichotillomania?

Trichotillomania or Trich for short "is characterized by the repetitive pulling out of one's hair.”  You can pull from the hair on your scalp, your eyebrows, eyelashes, arm and leg hair, pubic hair. Pretty much any hair on your body. 

What is Dermatillomania?

This one has many names. Skin Picking Disorder, Excoriation Disorder and Derma. Derma “ is characterized by the repetitive picking of one’s own skin. Individuals who struggle with this disorder touch, rub, scratch, pick at, or dig into their skin in an attempt to improve perceived imperfections, often resulting in tissue damage, discoloration, or scarring” And with the same as trich, it’s pretty much any game for where you pick.

What do I have to deal with?

For me personally, I struggle with Trich and Derma in my day to day life. With Trich, I mainly pull out my eyelashes, although recently during school I’ve been pulling my hair again. I’ll try and link a post where I’ve talked about this more in depth.

With derma, I tend to pick at spots 95% of the time on my forehead. The other 5% is on my face and or arms though it’s not as bad.

How long have I delt with this?

I learned what Trich was the beginning of 9th grade, and I had started pulling my hair shortly after. Not going to go on a tirade about that but needless to say it switched over to eyelashes and here I am. As for Derma, it kind of developed a bit after and just got mild in time. So length wise I’m around 2 years.

Permanent Damage?

Is something I haven’t had to deal with yet. I haven’t been pulling or picking very long in terms of other people I’ve seen on the internet so none yet. I do have red dots though on my forehead where it’s tissue that’ll be scarred for a little bit before it heals all the way but I’m fine with it really. As for eyelashes the damage is only temporary. I don’t know how long it takes them to grow but it’s maybe a month or so. I’ve had rather large gaps before, especially on my bottom lids. I haven’t had a full set of lashes in a while. Top and bottom that is. I’m always missing a little cluster.

Links?

Alright. Here’s some links to the BFRB page and pages where I’ve talked about BFRBs in the past.

http://www.bfrb.org/index.php

https://thingsandtrichotillomania.tumblr.com/post/156739054269/31-day-trichotillomaniabfrb-callenge-by (BFRB Challenge from early 2017)

https://thingsandtrichotillomania.tumblr.com/post/151240868384/bfrbawarenessweek (BFRB Awarness Week 2016 info)

October 2nd, 2017