#and every time i have those moments of self doubt i just remind myself of that

[ghost-proofbaby]

hi bff idk if you're the type to give advice so it's totally fine if you don't answer BUT : there's a story i've been working on for the past few days and i wanna post it but i think all of it sounds stupid? i know the best way to get better at writing is to keep writing but like - i read your stories all the time and i want to be good like that but i'm worried i'll always sound stupid

hi love!!

i’ll be honest — every time before i post a story, i still have that moment of “god i sound stupid don’t i”. sometimes i’ll even get it in the middle of writing. even after how long i’ve been posting (not just in this fandom), no matter how many stories i’ve written, even with the knowledge that you all are always so goddamn kind towards me, that terrible self doubt still exists.

i’ve been writing for over a decade. this is what i want to do career wise. and even then, i’m still by no means one of the best/a great example, because there’s still tons of flaws in my writing. for every story posted that you guys have enjoyed, there’s at least 3 that are simply bad, or had to be completely scrapped, or i had to rewrite.

my point is — don’t feel that you sound stupid. even the writers you enjoy feel they sound stupid at times. this is fandom, and it’s meant to be fun. post that writing. draw that niche art. stand by your headcanons. i promise you there will ALWAYS be at least one other person who’s gonna look at it and just get absolutely giddy and feel love for it. i pinky swear. 🖤 so go for it. and if you feel no one’s gonna support you, just know i’m always here on the sidelines, with my lil pom poms, cheering you right on. 🖤

[alchemie-tarot]

A Love Letter For You 

Happy Valentine’s Day! The soft romantic in me has been waiting for such an opportune time 💌🌹💐🍫 For all my champions of self-love out there, focusing on themselves, I just want to remind you that you can go on your healing journey and still have someone special in your life. Doesn’t have to be romance. Any kind of love boils down to connection.

Feel free to choose a pile/s that calls out to you. Some details may not resonate since this is a general reading. As always, nothing is set in stone, so please don’t take it too seriously. Go on, love. 💝

Note: I take way too many pictures of flowers I see on trips.

Pile 1

The Lovers (back of the deck), 2 of Wands, The Empress, The Tower

Okay, WOW, what cards to begin with for a love letter! Big time SOULMATE energy. The Lovers already peeked at me twice before I officially started to shuffle. Whoever this is, they want to reach out to you badly. Bonus: my neighbors started to sing Valentine by Jim Brickman on karaoke while I was interpreting. PLEASEEE.)

“My love,

You are so beautiful to me. The moment our eyes meet, I can’t help but see stars in the best way– I am struck with an overflowing affection for you. Your gaze draws me in and humbles me at the same time. I love looking at you, at your face and your body. I like taking in every single inch of you, filling my vision with only you. Being with you inspires me. You’re radiant and you have so much going on for you. You can make me appreciate any small, insignificant thing about our world. 

You may have felt some distance between us as of late. I do not mean to stay away from you– in fact, I want to be closer to you, but taking a step back is my way of looking at things clearly and objectively. The truth is, my feelings for you are so strong, it terrifies me. I want to sweep you off your feet. That is why right now, I am gathering my confidence and coming up with a plan to impress you. It may sound corny, but I really want to shake your world, the same way you have to mine. 

You’re my queen / king. My all-or-nothing. You and I have so much potential, my love. I apologize if I appear indecisive to you. There are things about myself I need to conquer first before I can fully offer myself to you. I don’t want anything false to stand in the way– I want to unite with you in the barest of both our truths so that we can stand the test of time. 

I will make my choice soon, and I will let you know. I hope you can wait for me. 

Your soulmate”

Pile 2

The Sun (back of the deck), 10 of Cups, Knight of Cups, 4 of Swords

Honestly, can it get any more romantic than this? Pile 2, this letter is from your happy pill. I feel that this is the pile for those who have gotten together recently–honeymoon vibes. For a few, you could already be engaged to this person, actually, or someone you’re in a warm and stable long-term relationship with. The emotions are strong without a doubt. Lovely intuitive energy.

“Darling,

The sun has never shone so brightly than when we’re together. I began to see and appreciate the world once you have stepped into it and made it colorful with your sheer presence. Honestly, I feel like a child, seeing everything with fresh eyes. I’m convinced that you’re the other half of my heart that completes me, at the same time you make me see myself as my own kind of whole, like I’m invincible. I picture paradise with your face and beautiful eyes in my mind. 

Romancing you is my favorite thing to do. Whoever said that chivalry is dead? I admit, I’m not usually one to get out of my way to make moves, until you. The garden of my imagination grows whenever I think of ways to make you laugh. It’s a wonder that you give me feelings I’ve never had before, yet these emotions flow surely, delicately, in a river that only leads to you.

Now, however, my dear, I feel that we should not rush and slow down a little. As much as I want to be in everlasting bliss with you, I feel that we should be careful not to get carried away. It’s important that we’re grounded and not overwhelmed. I don’t mind having a little quiet, so this is my way of sitting with you and holding your hand in the absence of words between us. 

I hope you always remember that you’re the love and light of my life. I’ll never leave you alone. 

Your person”

Pile 3

The Fool (back of the deck), Death, The Chariot, The Hierophant

Hey there, Pile 3. This person has a spontaneous and easily excited energy. Your relationship seems to be in a kind of transition right now, one that is uncomfortable and maybe even painful (I’m sorry to hear that. Hang in there). What I can say is, they’re quite focused on you right now, though they are working on themselves. Above all, they just want to be on the same page as you.

“Sweetheart,

I know I haven’t been the most reliable person lately. I am a self-proclaimed fool who gets bright-eyed at shiny things that catch my attention. Do you know that you’re the first person who’s made me feel like this? I’m suddenly aware of how fickle I can be. This feeling of innocence can only be so sweet until I get my head down from the sky and see the reality that my behavior was already pushing you away from me.

I’m so sorry. I want to change and do right by you– show you action that is truly aligned with my honest intentions for you. You illuminated my faults that I now want to mature and be wiser from. I want to be worthy of holding your heart. I know that between us, we’re not really in the best place right now, but you know… I don’t need the rest of those shiny things. You’re the one I want. I think you and I are meant to be. 

I want to reconcile our differences and finally release the past that doesn’t have to dictate our future. Commitment is not an easy road, I know, especially for someone with a nature like mine, but I hope you believe me when I say that I do want the real deal with you, everything. And I hope you will still accept me despite me being rough around the edges.

From, Me”

Pile 4

Judgment (back of the deck), Queen of Cups Rx, Queen of Pentacles, 7 of Cups Rx

You seem to have quite a deep bond with this person, Pile 4. A lot of emotions between you, too. I feel that they welcome it, the reflections and awakenings, but they feel overwhelmed about it right now. There’s a prominent feeling of being under a magnifying glass. 

“My dear,

Of all the people in my life, it is you who always sees through me, as if I am made of glass. The more I spend time with you, the more I discover things about myself, both good and bad. You’re a force to be reckoned with.

It’s made me kind of awake, and vigilant somehow, but sometimes to the point where I’m walking on eggshells. I know you mean well, and you may not be even entirely aware of your effect on me, but it has taken a toll on my emotions. It pushed me to be more conscious than I should be– I don’t want to be dependent on you like that.

You push me to be a better person and I’m more than grateful for your inspiring presence in my life, but I would like us to return to a more stable ground– one that won’t ask for too much too soon. Let us slow down for a bit, my dear, so we can tackle the bumps along the road one at a time, instead of rushing into a rocky path. I don’t believe our relationship has to have us constantly catching up to one another, but to have us patiently grounding ourselves until we see eye-to-eye, without rose-colored glasses.

I love you. I hope you will be able to accept me not just for who I could be but for who I am right now, in front of you.

Your love”

Pile 5

Knight of Swords (back of the deck), Queen of Swords, 9 of Swords, 6 of Pentacles, 3 of Cups, 10 of Swords

This is from a sharp and driven person, Pile 5. With all these Swords, I believe you have an intellectual relationship with them. A lot of your conversations stimulate you both mentally and you can’t seem to stop talking to each other for real. It’s giving me the trope of two people from a debate club who keep riling each other up. They think very highly of you. You’re also on their mind on loop.

“Hey (your name),

Our banter is one-of-a-kind. It’s always kind of fun talking to you, wanting to know what you think about something or another. Our opinions may clash sometimes but I can’t help but respect you anyway because you’ve never been one to back down. Hell, I always want to impress you. Replaying our conversations in my head keeps me up at night.

I don’t think you see what I genuinely think of you, though. On the outside I may seem cold, but it’s a double-edged sword. I probably worry more about what you really think of me than I should. A lot goes on inside me than I show whenever we interact. Being playfully savage with each other is kind of our thing, but there are some things I take to heart. I’m not even sure how much you meant it, or if this is really just something my mind does now with the way you’re affecting me. It hurts sometimes, you know.

Deep down, I long for you to feel the same admiration for me as I do for you. I want to be seen as an equal by someone so stable, strong-willed and has so much to give like you do. I’m not the only one who wants a taste of you and it’s plain to see why. Most of all, if you permit, I would like to be more than friends with you.

I’m still gonna try to burn the hell out of your argument, though. 

From, (their name)”

Pile 6

4 of Cups (back of the deck), 2 of Pentacles, Strength, 7 of Pentacles, The Magician

Oh my, this is someone you wouldn’t have guessed is holding a torch for you! A secret admirer of sorts. They’re very lowkey but seem to be popular in their own way from other people, receiving offers that they only turn down or even pretend not to see. They’re not making any kind of moves but let me tell you, Pile 6, they’re trying really hard not to slip around you. (How sweet! They’re also learning to manifest because of you!)

“Dear (your name),

You may see me as unbothered but really, all it takes is one move. One look, one smile from you, one second to hear your laugh. I thought I had a pretty strong facade, but I have a hard time focusing when you’re near. You may see me for who I really am, a big softie for you, and I’m just not ready for that yet.

You’re so different from me, yet I can see similarities between us. You’re larger than life but I don’t see you making a big deal about it; you’re just… who you are, and you’re amazing. Balanced. Humble. You know when to step forward and when to step back. How do you do it? How do you have all the energy for that– rather, how do you control that energy? As for me, I know I focus way too much trying not to be seen.

I want to get to know you, and I dare say I want to get close to you. I don’t find coming out of my shell easy at all, especially around you, but I believe you’re worth it. I know it takes a lot of time and effort, considering the way I am right now. I’ll keep working on it, I’ll take it one day at a time if I have to. You empower me and make me realize my potential. I’ll do my best to get there. Then I’ll let you know.

Happy Valentine’s Day, From (their name)”

🌹💐🍫 🌹💐🍫

Thank you for taking the time to interact with my reading! I hope this has helped you in one way or another and hopefully sprinkled a little sweetness in your day. Take it easy and stay safe~💝

[lily-174]

domestic - jay halstead x reader.

overview: a case hit you hard resulting in you having to talk to a witness which made you give up some information on yourself no one in the team knew about, you and jay end up talking about it and he comforts you.

trigger warning: domestic violence, parental abuse, verbal abuse. i needed to write this for myself, something just happened and i needed jay.

i appreciate all of you who take the time to read my fics, i love you all so much and i wish you all the best <3

chicago pd masterlist

**

this case had hit you hard, harder then you thought. domestic abuse, parental abuse those cases were always the ones that hit the hardest for you. they put a strain on your heart. relating to every child or woman that you had to interview.

now this case you, your boyfriend and team were working on hurt, a kid, around 10 had been found in the middle of chicago alone by kim and roman who were out on patrol, the two beat cops had a bad feeling and asked you to look into it, you abliged not having any other cases. after speaking to the young girl you went straight to voight, her father had left her to go to the bar completely forgetting about the young girl he’d left alone on the streets of chicago.

voight agreed to look into it so now, you were sat in a room with the young girl after making her a hot chocolate and giving her some things to snack on you sat across the table to her, the rest of your team watching the interaction. you needed to know if it was safe to send the child home. you had a feeling it wasn’t. you knew these cases like the back of your hand, you could read the body language of abuse victims in seconds.

you’d noticed the way the little girl shut down near jay or voight, you knew. these cases hurt you. you watched the facial expressions of the young girl sat opposite you as jay walked into the room. the look of fear on the girls face as you watched her shake her head you ordered jay out of the room so you could ask her some questions alone so she felt safer.

“do i really have to explain it?” the young girl izzy asked as she looked up at you, the pain in her eyes hurt you reminded you of everything you went through as a child and through your teen years. you really wanted to help the poor 8 year old but you couldn’t unless she spoke to you.

“i’d appreciate it if you did, i can help you. and your family” kevin and al had already made their way to speak to the parents, kevin had messaged you saying he got bad vibes from the father and the mother had bruising around her neck. there was no doubt in your mind this little girl was experiencing what you had.

“you can help?” izzy asked, her voice soft and quiet as if scared to speak aloud, you nodded giving her a comforting look, you wanted her to feel safe while she was with you.

“i can help izzy, i understand. things happened in my family when i was a kid” izzy’s demeanour changed as you finished that sentence, like what you said had installed her with an ounce of hope.

“your dad used to hurt you too?” she asked her little eyes brimming with tears, you knew your boyfriend and colleagues where listening from the other room but you didn’t care, you only cared about the young girl infront of you that reminded you too much of yourself. you just wanted this little girl to feel like she wasn’t alone, like there was hope that things would get better.

“yeah izzy he did, but i’m a cop now. and i get to help people” izzy nodded, and you finally managed to get her to explain the abuse her dad puts the poor girl and her mother through, you knew after she explained the guys would’ve left the room and gone to charge izzy’s father and finish conducting the interview with him. but you stayed with the young girl you related to her too much, it was like looking through a mirror and seeing your younger self. all you thought about in that moment was keeping her safe and trying to keep her happy for the short amount of time you were looking after her.

you spent the rest of your time with her playing games showing her around the district to pass the time before social services would come and pick her up, normally she’d be sent down stairs and trudy would watch her but this time you wanted to make sure she was safe and happy enough before she left the district so that’s what you did, letting the rest of your team handle her father unsure if you had the self restraint not to punch him in the face.

when you had to take her downstairs and hand her over to a social worker, you didn’t want too. you felt attached to the young girl. giving her a hug before she left and making sure she felt left before she went with the social worker, you did what you wished someone would’ve done for you as a child. you wished throughout your childhood or teen years someone could’ve saved you.

you sighed watching izzy leave with the nice lady before making your way back up to intelligence, only adam and kev sat at their desks while everyone else clearly interviewing izzy’s mother and father. you walked past the two men sat at their desks and made your way to the locker room, your chest tightened as you got into the private room. some of the emotions from the day finally emerged.

izzy reminded you so much of yourself and what happened to you, no one knew what happened to you apart from voight he met you when you turned 19 he got your record expunged so you could join the police department. but your boyfriend, he had no idea you’d told him your parents moved to california that’s why he never met them but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

sitting on the bench by your locker your head in your hands as you prepared yourself to go back out to your desk and begin writing the report explaining everything izzy had told you. you couldn’t help but think back to your childhood the beatings the constant verbal abuse, being your dad therapist, looking after him after fights and saving his life multiple times. you knew you could easily find the photos of you taken in hospital the multiple times the abuse caused you to be hospitalised.

taking a deep breath you stood up, walking over to the small sink and splashing cold water over your face in hopes of getting rid of the memories. it didn’t work, they played over and over in your head as you walked back to your desk and sat down writing your report. before long the rest of the team returned to the bullpen you heard them walk in but you hadn’t looked up from the paperwork you were filling out in hopes you could just get this day over with.

“how’s the kid?” voight asked causing you to look up from the paperwork you were doing, you knew she’d struggle for the rest of her life like you had but hopefully you had made her suffering end for a while.

“she’s okay, social worker just picked her up so apart from being completely traumatised for the rest of her life physically she’s okay” you stated bluntly before looking back down to your paperwork to continue filling out the form with everything izzy had told you, voight nodded but jay was surprised with your answer.

it was only 4pm you had hours left of your shift but hopefully you wouldn’t be given another case so you could go home when you were supposed too. you even thought about going to mollys to destress. you couldn’t get izzy out of your thoughts, she reminded you so much of yourself.

jay noticed you not engaging in everyone’s conversation as the team started their paperwork, if you being honest you were so consumed by your thoughts you didn’t even notice they were all talking.

jay was curious, you’d never told him about your parents. he didn’t want to pressure you, but he wanted to know more, he wanted to know why you hadn’t told him the truth he’d noticed how these types of cases effected you more then others but he’d never put the pieces together, walking up to your desk you didn’t even look up at him.

“y/n you good?” he asked causing you to look up at him, the concern in his eyes was enough for you to know you’d have to let up some details of what happened when you were a kid when you and jay spoke later.

“yeah i’m good just wanna finish this so we can go home” you offered a small smile, in an attempt of convincing him you were all good, but it was jay he didn’t believe you. he nodded and walked back over to his desk.

you returned to your paperwork, filling out the other half of what needed to be done before logging on to the computer infront of you to send a few emails, including to the social worker offering your services if izzy needs anything or if she can’t get a foster placement you’d either take her or help find one. you didn’t care that it was unprofessional to do so. you wished someone would have been there for you so you promised yourself if izzy needed anything you’d be there for her, you didn’t even need to have a second thought or ask anyone for their opinion. you knew what you wanted to do. and that was be there for izzy. just as you finished your paperwork and emails voight emerged from his office.

“if you’re done with your paperwork head out, i don’t see anymore cases coming in today.” voight stated everyone nodded, you were done so standing up and grabbing your coat you began saying your goodbyes to your colleagues.

“i’ll be done in five i’ll come with you” jay stated not even asking where you were going or what your plans were maybe the conversation you dreaded was closer then you thought. nodding you took the keys for his truck from his desk and made your way downstairs.

heading outside you opened the truck getting in the passenger side to wait for jay, normally you liked to get public transport home from work. it helped you clear your head, you could drive but jay was your partner and boyfriend so it never really mattered. you glanced down at your phone waiting for jay to get back and when he finally did you heard him sigh as he got in the truck.

“mollys?” jay asked getting an almost instant nod from you he smiled as you handed him the keys and turned on the engine, you hoped he’d hold off on the questions until you at least had a drink in your hand.

the ride over to mollys was silent, not an awkward silence. your chest was tight from anxiety. it’s not like you specifically never wanted to tell jay about this aspect of your past you just weren’t sure if you were ready to talk about it or relive it yourself. you knew you’d eventually have to tell him but you didn’t realise it would be so soon. you spent the ride to mollys thinking of what you would say when he asked you.

you were mostly over it but some of the things you went through as a kid did still haunt you, and you were terrified of jay looking at you differently, looking at you like a victim. that’s what scared you. you were not a victim. you knew jay wouldn’t mean to look at you like that but you knew he would wether he meant it or not. he loved you and what came with that was concern for you especially after cases like this especially after finding out you’d been hiding something from him.

pulling up outside mollys you and jay both got out the truck walking inside mollys, still silent not a word had been spoken, jay held the door for you as you walked inside, thanking him was the words that broke the silence as you walked up to the end of the bar and took a seat, jay sitting next to you and ordering two beers from herrmann before turning to look at you.

“you’ve been quiet since izzy left are you okay?” jay asked testing the waters seeing how you were feeling and if this was a good time to ask, he wouldn’t pressure you to help him anything but he’d appreciate it if you told him what happened.

“yeah i’m all good just a difficult case” you smiled as herrmann placed two beers in-front of you and jay, picking up your beer you took a sip as jay reached for your free hand intertwining your fingers with his.

you could almost see the clogs turning in jays head as he thought of what to say next, it was obvious he wanted to bring up what you had said to izzy while you were talking to her earlier in the day but you were unsure of if you should start the conversation, instead taking another sip from your drink.

“look i understand if you don’t want to talk about it yet, i won’t pressure you but earlier what you said to izzy, that was true” you rubbed the back of his hand with the pad of your thumb as you nodded taking a deep breath preparing yourself to tell jay the part of your life you wished you could forget.

“no jay it’s okay. yeah it’s true, i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner. my mom and dad didn’t move to california. i left when i turned 18” jay looked at you his eyes glued to yours as he listened intently to what you had to say, he didn’t know what you were about to tell him, what trauma you’d been through but he’d love you all the same.

“your situation was like izzy’s?” he asked sipping his beer before giving your hand a reassuring squeeze as he saw you nod, jay couldn’t fathom how you went through this growing up, the thought made his heart ache for you.

“every situation is different.. a little different for me, my mom and dad broke up when i was young but he still had parental rights so i stayed at his every weekend, every holiday. he’d be drunk the entire time drag me to a bar just like this where he would get drunk, and pressure me to try and drink with him. then we’d go back to his apartment id say or look at him a certain way and he wouldn’t like it.. then he would snap.” jay watched you the look on his face the one you didn’t want to see but it felt like a type of release getting it all off your chest.

“as i got older i tried talking him down, calming him down but it never worked. he would say horrible things things you wouldn’t dare every say to a child or a teenager at that. he’d pressure me to drink and smoke with him. i got better at dealing with it in my teen years though i was used to it nothing he could say would really effect me when it got to that point. i was hospitalised twice, no police ever called nothing ever happened until i got older and left” jay listened shaking his head as his heart ached for you, he couldn’t understand how parents could hurt their children, hurt the people they’re supposed to protect. it never made sense to him.

“i don’t know how you went through that growing up, i’m sorry” his voice full of empathy, as he watched you take another sip from your beer. you looked back over at him and shook your head.

“all i wanted when i was a teenager was to find someone who made me feel safe. but i didn’t actually think i would ever find someone. i thought i’d end up just like my mom with a guy like him. but i was wrong jay. i found you.” jay offered a small smile as he pulled you into a hug, your words made him feel a way he hadn’t before, he made you feel safe. the man who’s arms you were in would do anything to keep you safe and happy, that’s what you wished for as a teen.

“i love you y/n, i’m not going to let anything happen to you again you hear me.” you smiled looking up at the man of your dreams, the man you’d wished for. you couldn’t believe you had him, you didn’t know what you did to deserve a man like jay but you would be forever thankful.

[dragonflydestiny]

Letter to your soulmate ✉️

My very first pick a card. This pick a card is going to be about your letter (the reader) to your soulmate. What would you write to them? Let’s find out. Pick from 1-4. Thank you.

P.S. Their responding letter will reach you soon.

Disclaimer: This is meant as entertainment only. Takes only what resonate.

My Master List

✉️

💌 Letter 1 🍒

9 of Swords, 6 of Pentacles and 3 of Swords in reverse

My dear Soulmate,

What have I become?. The thoughts of having you give me anxiety and the thoughts of not having you also give me anxiety. My doubts and my fears do get to me and I would lay at night thinking that maybe there is no one out there truly meant for me. It’s a long process I have to go through, keeping my anxious thoughts at bay and learning discernment. To know the different between my fearful thoughts and reality. And I will learn not to judge myself for those low moments of self-deprecation and self-pity. Because deep down I know that the universe works by the law of cause and effect, the law of karma. At least in this life, you and I are tie by our past karma and the universe will give to me you, whom I deserve. Not only the universe is fair but it is also generous.

I know at this time we’re not together yet because I still have some wounds to heal, wounds I am reluctant to address. Even though I am working very hard trying to earn stability and security, I still fear that I am not ready and this quote comes to mind “One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels”. I know I do more than enough but why does I feel like I am not enough. It’s because, growing up, I kept telling myself these dialogues for far too long, “if I am not the fears anymore, then what has I become?”. Would you know?. While waiting for you I will become something else than fear. Courage?, joy?, relieved? Who knows. But at this time, please wait a little longer. We will meet soon when I address my low self-esteem issues. I will also work on my mother wound. When we meet I will tell you all about her and how much fear she instilled in me. She was a hardworking woman and similar to me, she never saw her own worth. She ties her worth in monetary gains and seeks outside validation. For that reason, she was really never here for me and in our relationship, it lacked the balance of equal give and take. I felt like I was only giving and never really received. So growing up, I only know how to give and now it still hard and awkward to receive but I am willing to learn.

Just by writing to you bring me so much joy and motivate me to learn. By connecting to you already make me want to be a better person, to show up as my best for you. When we meet I want to give you something as well, a small token perhaps. It’s small but it will mean so much. I know that when we meet, even though it will be brief, I will think about those moments shared for the rest of the week. You will fill my mind, take up every space and the constant thoughts of you will make me smile. Your caring nature makes me go soft, you help me to finally feel what it’s like to have someone truly care for me. I appreciate how you are so determine to remind me everyday that I am more than enough. Times where I will put myself down you will be quick to lift me up even higher. My shining star, who shines the brightest in my darkest night “if one word would describe love, it would be your name…”. You will teach me what true love really is and I will be your willing student.

Love,

(Your name)

Channeled poem: To Be In Love by Gwendolyn Brooks “To be in love is to touch with a lighter hand. In yourself you stretch, you are well.”

Channeled song: LOVE POEM by IU “I’ll be there, behind you who walks alone” “I will sing for you who walks long nights than most”.

✉️

💌 Letter 2 🎀

The Hierophant in reverse, 9 of Wands in reverse and 8 of Wands.

Hey you,

I just want to say that I am not like other girls/boys. I am not traditional and the thought of marriage, working 9 to 5 and conventional stuff, they don’t appeal to me. I rather do something else to secure my life. I know that it would be slow, very slow but at least my foundation will be firm. I will build it out of my true authentic desires instead of other’s. I also know that it would mean our meeting will happen later on in life because right now I want to focus on myself, my security. It is sad that our union will take a little while but I know deep down that it will be worth it. In the meantime, I will continue to fight for my way and put in the necessary work. Even though at times, I feel so tired and burned out and sometimes I feel like these burden paths will never end. I know the place I want to achieve is high, I want to reach for the stars. I know these dreams do come with a lot of work and sacrifices. I know that, I can see the path clearly without illusions or rose coloured glasses. And I know that you are also cheering for me. You will be the most supportive person I know. When I feel like giving up, you are/will give me the strength to follow my heart. You remind me that I am part of something bigger, that I am part of the divine. I will understand that to honour the divine is to honour myself.

When I understand my fears a little better, I understand myself more and those past moments where I made ‘mistakes’. I can sometimes focus too much on the finish line, too much on the bigger picture and forget about the little details where it is most important. When I am fearful, I don’t focus enough on my actions rather I only worry about the results. I need to understand that there are huge correlation between the progress and the final outcome. It is a direct reflection. With that in mind, I must bring balance into my lifestyle. I can’t just work work and work. Life is about moderation and ironically the right temperance will somehow bring the fastest results. These realisation bring to me the confidence to continue whether or not I will succeed. I know you know these feelings really well and we relate a lot through our ‘failures’. We know what it’s like to have to face our dark and raw emotions and to be honest with ourselves. To feel the pain and loss of failures without repression and shame. You and I have to learn to listen to our emotions the hard way but it is worth it as we gain sincerity through those hardships. And now we can give it to ourselves and others. So when I’d meet you, you will only receive my utmost sincere emotions. I won’t repress my feelings for you either. After all, you will know either way because we are one.

When I met/will meet you, I can see so much of myself in you. Your journey remind me of my own, both the successful ones and the not successful ones. That is why I will understand you right away. I think I will fall for you instantly, without me realising, without me intending to. I thought we could just be good friends but through out each encounter I fall and fall more deeply for you. I love the dept of your character and through knowing you help me reach that dept within myself as well. You help me reach the deep uncharted water where I’m afraid to go and allow me to see it for what it is. By understanding the fears I have, I begin to fear less. You teach me true freedom where fears cannot hold me back anymore and now I can swim in the deepest ocean.

You are someone who can be deep and wise yet so beautiful and light at the same time. I grow fonder and fonder for you everyday. “My heart is so full of you I can hardly call it my own”. My feelings become so deep and intense that I can no longer hold it in. I have to confess how much I love you and through this letter I hope you can feel my love and support for you. You are my inspiration, the one where I will forever admire, my dream come true.

Yours, always

(Your name)

Channeled poem: The More Loving One by W.H. Auden “If equal affection cannot be, Let the more loving one be me.”

Channeled song: You Say by Lauren Daigle “You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing. You say I am strong when I think I am weak. And you say I am held when I am falling short. And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours. And I believe (I). Oh, I believe (I). What You say of me (I). I believe.”

✉️

💌 Letter 3 🍊

4 of cups, ace of Swords in reverse and the Hierophant.

Dear you,

I have to admit, it’s pretty lonely here without you. Maybe because I don’t really find anything or anyone interesting. It’s like there’s a disconnection between me and my environment. I can’t really connect to anybody, no one really understand me and I don’t care enough to understand them. I hope you can sympathise with my apathy. The world just look really bleak where I’m at, it is quiet but certainly not peaceful. I’m not sure if I should be the one that break this dullness. Even if it’s up to me to bring excitement back into my life, I still don’t know what I should do. I don’t really see a clear path to where I could escape this mundane life of mine. I know I shouldn’t expect you to come in and save me but maybe just maybe you could bring a little bit of magic back into my life. A sense of reciprocation perhaps?. But I’m not entirely sure how you could do that.

I only see it in movies where the main protagonist fell in love and their world turn up side down. Suddenly they find purpose and joy in their life. From black and white to array of rainbows, full of vitality. Excitement even in the little things, wild flowers turn to the most beautiful thing. It is these energy where you fall head over heels for your life , it’s where I can’t see myself being in. How can one person affect or influence another so much?. Maybe that’s exactly what you’re going to teach me. Are you going to come in and teach me the tradition and cliche of being in love?. A feeling of ecstasy and bliss where you sing with birds. It’s feel kind of silly and funny just by imagining it. I never really meet anyone who can make my heart sings that much. No one makes my eyes sparkles or my heart to skip a beat or even beat faster. No one really influences or interest me that much. So I hope you can change that for me. I know it’s not good to set expectations but at least I hope that you can make me stray, that you can make me follow you wherever you’d go. Can you be the one where I’d beg to take my hand and destroy this belief of mine where I demean the power of love.

I don’t understand how love can be the cure to everything. I want you to show me the power of love, show me that it is safe for me to express my love to you and also to myself. Convince me that everyone deserve to be loved, even me. Please show me that love is the answer because no one show me that before. Where I grew up, my childhood home, love wasn’t present. I didn’t have my parents to show me that unconditional love. Their love to me was conditioned and not all my needs were met. I didn’t really learn to connect with myself, to find out what I love to do or what I’m passionate about. I didn’t learn to take care of myself, I didn’t learn to love myself or meet all of my needs. I only learn to survive and mistaken these survival mode as normality. So I hope when you come along, your light would ignite the fire within me, the fire that had been dormant. You can teach me to unlearn these survival way of living. I hope you would love me unconditionally. With the fire that you ignite, it will continue to guide me even when the sky turns dark.

You would teach me what it means to truly take care of yourself in all aspects, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hope we can create together a sense of home and safety where I can be for you and you can be for me. That we can hold hands and face whatever it is that we have to face together. I do want to do all those cheesy romantic things with you. Talking on the phone all night, chocolate and red roses on Valentine’s and even dancing in the rain. Let’s exchange poems as well. I do want to marry you and create a future together. I want to introduce you to my family, build a home and have children. I want to fully be here and enjoy the present moments. To feel the joy, pain and other range of emotions of life and see it as an adventure rather than something mundane and dull. So, let’s create that life together.

With love,

Your soulmate

Channeled poem: Variations on the Word Love by Margaret Atwood “Then there’s the two of us. This word is far too short for us, it has only four letters, too sparse to fill those deep bare vacuums between the stars that press on us with their deafness.”

Channeled song: Willow by Taylor Swift “Wherever you stray. I follow. I’m begging for you to take my hand. Wreck my plans. That’s my man.”

✉️

💌 Letter 4 🪲

2 of Cups in reverse, 7 of Swords and 4 of Swords in reverse.

Dear (name of soulmate)

I hope our union will turn out better than my last. Somehow I am not so successful with my love life. I guess I have a lot of lessons to learn through love in both romantic and platonic love. One of the lesson was the lesson of equal give and take, balance and reciprocation. Let’s just say that the divine did test me to see if I really understand the concept. They showed me that I can’t be the only one that give, I have to receive from my lover/the other person as well. What I had wasn’t a true reciprocal relationship, I had to see and admitted that. I had to be honest with myself even if the other person wasn’t. I had to stop lying to myself and see truly what was going on. It wasn’t true love and it pained me to realise that. But loosing a fake love wouldn’t be as painful as pretending it was real. So I chose to walk away. I chose to walk away because I couldn’t take the emotional and mental turmoil anymore. I couldn’t take the emotional unavailability, the immaturity, the manipulation and the coldness anymore. That relationship brought me everything but my peace of mind. I didn’t like who I was becoming if I were to stay. So I chose to walk away, I chose to change and made my choices with discernment. I let my mind leads me to my freedom. I wasn’t happy where I was because I tried so hard to control my relationship and my environment. I know now that was not the way. My approach to love, specifically giving love have to change.

Even though it took a while and looking back I still regret something in the past but I did learn my lessons the universe taught me. I learned not to let my emotions blind me from the truth. I learned to be honest with myself and to have the courage to admit and address the issues. To know I, too, have the birthright to have a loving and reciprocal relationship where it brings me pleasure and is able to meet all my needs. I deserve connections where I feel safe to express myself truthfully where trust is not an issue. So, if you’re coming to me with an untruthful energy, just know that I learned my lessons and I am not going to repeat it. I don’t have the time or energy to go through that again. Thankfully, going through those lessons have help me spot a lie from miles away.

Just know that when we meet, I would be able to see through you. I am very good at reading people. So come as you are, don’t try to be someone you’re not. If you earn my trust, show me authenticity and reciprocation, I know that I would bewitched by you. I already know I love your true self, you don’t have to be anything more for me. I accept and love you as you are. And “if loving you makes me a fool, then I’ll be a fool forever”. When you can make me feel safe to express myself, I will shower you with my love. I will kiss you good mornings and good nights. I will hug you everyday and declare my love to you whenever you demand. I won’t ever let you doubt my love for you, my affection will be the answer. I will write you poems after poems and promise my love on every page. I will be dedicated to you, forever and ever, always.

Forever yours,

Name of the reader

Channeled poem: Bird-Understander by Craig Arnold “Of many reasons I love you here is one, the way you write me from the gate at the airport so I can tell you everything will be alright.”

Channeled song: Queen of Hearts by Twice “Baby I was born to rule, yeah I’m the queen, I’m the queen. And it’s all because of you that I’m the queen of hearts.”

✉️

Thank you so much for stopping by, please do not hesitate to comment and tell me if it resonated. Any constructive criticism is also appreciated. See you on the next pick a card where your soulmate will respond to your letter.

Kind regards

- Dragonflydestiny 🪲

[senualothbrok]

Promise

Summary: Gale learns what it means to love and be loved.

Sequel to Progress - a Professor Dekarios x OC journey through mental illness and recovery.

Word count: 7.9k

Disclaimers: Non-18+, angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort, mental illness and recovery.

Trigger warnings: Mental illness, eating disorder, body dysmorphia. Please practise self-care.

AO3 link

She looks happy.

She is smiling at you. You are lying in bed, facing each other. Sunlight streaks through your bedroom curtains as dawn breaks. You have to remind yourself that this is not a dream. She is really, truly here.

She closes her eyes as you run your thumb over her freckles, which fan out like stars over the contours of her face. Your fingers dance over her arm, the dip in her waist, the curve of her thighs. She does not shy away from your touch, nor try to hide her flesh from you. Her grey eyes quiver.

“I love you,” she whispers.

You cannot tell whether it is your tears or hers that linger on your tongue as you melt into each other.

---

You can still taste her salt and sweetness as you lie on your back, your arm curled around her as she nestles into your chest. She smells like lavender, soap, and sweat, and you cannot get enough of her scent as you bury your nose into her dark, damp waves.  She is playing with the hairs that trail from your chest to your navel, and you shiver from the shadow of her fingers. She notices.

“It’s a new experience, having such an effect on a man. It’s quite…flattering.”

She looks up at you with a small smile.

You chuckle. “You don’t know half of the effect that you’ve had on me, Aurora. I’ve spent two years imagining this moment, and still, my fantasies scarcely touched the surface of the miracle that you are.”

She is blushing, shifting. You kiss her on the tip of her nose, where she has the tiniest scar. You are engraving her every mark on the shrine of your memory.

“So…” She clears her throat. “You’re saying that you’ve been lusting after me since the first day we met? Your eyes met mine across the lecture hall and you thought, ‘This is a maiden I long for’. One glimpse of me was enough to rouse the fire in your loins. Is that it?”

She is playful now, teasing. You are aflame with this new side of her that no one else has seen.

You laugh. “Perhaps I exaggerate. But if not two years, then twenty months at most. I fell in love with you very quickly, Aurora. Much as I resisted it, or denied it to myself.”

Her gaze is evasive now, as though she is embarrassed. You clasp her to you. You need her to know, to feel the truth in your words. She must understand what she means to you. What she has meant to you, all this time.

“I’ve been alone since Mystra cast me off. At times, it’s been immensely lonely. To meet you, a kindred spirit, a soul that touched mine so instantly … that happens very rarely in a lifetime, if at all. Let’s just say that my body and soul yearned for you like water in a desert.”

You do not tell her about the frenzy that so often overcame you, slumped over your desk or under these very same sheets, thinking of her. The appetites of a schoolboy that she restored in you, when those desires had been all but dormant. Some things are better left to the imagination.

She is quiet. You can feel the faint timbre of her heartbeat through your skin.

“These things fluster you,” you observe.

She nods, biting her lip.

“Why? Don’t you believe me?”

“No, Gale, it’s not that.” She shakes her head. “I just find it hard to believe that someone like you could feel that way about me.”

She takes a deep breath.

“When we first met, I thought I’d found my first ever friend. And even that, I struggled to believe. I didn’t want to admit to myself that… well, I didn’t know what love was. Besides, how could it be possible? You’re the best man, the most beautiful person, I’ve ever known.”

You have such an urge to answer her with your mouth, your tongue, your body. But she is hesitant, and you must wait until the doubt passes. You must help her understand.

“But that’s what you are to me, Aurora.”

A frown passes across her brow.

“You’re the one and only.”

You brush your lips over her forehead.  She sighs, her features softening.

“Also,” you add. “Little things that you did drove me wild.”

Something glints in her gaze. “Like what?”

She presses herself closer to you.

“Too many to count. The way you bit your lip, for one. How delicately you turned the pages of every book. The way your face lit up talking about an illusion or a poem you loved.”

You can feel a familiar ache building.

“The way you widened your eyes when you looked at me. Like that. What you’re doing now.”

You thought you were spent, but you are already hardening.  She runs her tongue over her bottom lip.

“So I’m driving you wild at this very moment?”

You move your mouth closer to hers. “Yes.”

“Well.” She tilts her head. Her hand begins to float downwards from your navel. “It would be cruel to stop at that.”

As you push yourself on top of her, she lets out a little moan.

---

“Are you sure I look acceptable?”

She is fussing at the waistband of her skirt, the buttons on her sleeves. She fidgets with her hair clips, smoothing and re-smoothing her bodice.

“Is this the sort of thing that your mother will expect? Or should I wear something more modest?”

You chuckle. “You’re hardly baring every inch of your flesh to the world, Aurora.”

“Is it too conservative, then? Should I-”

You move closer to snake your hands around her waist. She leans her forehead against your chest.

“You look perfect. Marvellous.”

“I don’t,” she murmurs.

“You’re breathtaking.”

You are playing with the fabric on her shoulder. It torments you, the trail of freckles that drifts down the curve of her cheek, disappearing on the edge of her neck, only to reappear on her collarbone and shoulder blade. Aurora’s freckles are like winding roads in an unchartered territory, waiting to be discovered. Instinctively, your mouth dips down to follow where they lead.

“Gale…”

She looks up, frowning.

“What are you doing?”

You are losing yourself. There is something about having her here with you, in the home that you have occupied for so many years with only Tara for company, readying herself to meet those you cherish most. You never thought such a thing would be possible. You are suddenly dizzy with love and desire. Your tongue swirls against her skin, yearning for more of her.

“Your mother and Tara will be here any moment.”

But you can hear how her breath is hitching. Her eyes are half lidded, her lips parted. That she cannot resist you only fuels your hunger. You slide your hand underneath her skirt. She trembles against it.

“They can let themselves in,” you rasp.

---

Morena and Tara cannot conceal their joy when they see you stumbling down the stairs. The flush on Aurora’s cheeks has not yet receded as you make introductions. It does not escape their eagle eyes, how you repeatedly clear your throats and smooth your clothes and hair. How you rub at your beard again and again. When Aurora bites her lip, the images that rush through your mind make you shift to find your centre. Morena and Tara glance at each other with glee as you sit, sipping at the lukewarm cup of tea that has been waiting for you.

“I’ve heard so much about you from Tara and Gale, dear.” Morena beams. “It’s such a pleasure to meet you at last.”

She clasps Aurora’s hand. Aurora’s eyes widen. She is surprised by your mother’s warmth, just as she was taken aback by yours. You remember that she has never known a mother to give anything but punishment.

“The pleasure is all mine, Mrs Dekarios.”

Morena huffs. “Please, let’s dispense with such formalities. You can call me Morena, and hopefully, one day, you’ll call me Mother.”

You choke on your tea, glaring at Tara as she tuts at you. Aurora strokes you on the back as you cough and sputter, trying to conceal her alarm.

“Mother,” you say when you can breathe again. “Will you have some cake? A cookie? Something to stuff your very empty mouth?”

“My dear son,” she chirps. “It’s so kind of you to worry over your mother’s happiness and comfort. In fact, it brings immeasurable joy to this old heart to see you in your current state. Just look at the two of you. Glowing, positively radiant, with love.”

She claps her hands together with a sigh. Tara joins in with a fluttering of wings.

“Now that I’ve seen you in person, dearest Aurora, I know that all of Tara’s reports are true. You and my son are perfectly matched. You’re a vision.”

Aurora’s cheeks are reddening. Pride surges through you as she speaks.

“That’s very kind of you to say, Mrs- I mean, Morena. Your son is an exceptional man. I’m very lucky to be here with him.”

She interlaces her fingers with yours under the table. You almost wish that Tara and Morena would leave now, so you can keep showing her how exceptional you can be.

Tara and Morena exchange a look. As if on cue, they flash their teeth in a grin.

“You are such a dear.” Morena titters. “Now, I hope you won’t take offence in me pointing this out, but neither of you are getting any younger-”

You bristle, raising a finger. “Mother, may I ask where you’re going with this?”

She pushes your finger down instantly. “My son, I was coming onto the future for the two of you. Tara and I have been waiting for years for-”

“Oh Gods.” You stand, waving your hands around. “Look at the time. I didn’t realise how late it was.”

Morena narrows her eyes.

“Mother, don’t you have an auction or something to hurry off to?”

“I actually-”

You stare at Tara. “And Tara, don’t you need to escort my dear Mother to her next appointment, to make sure she doesn’t get lost? She can be ever so disoriented these days.”

Tara arches her back.

Confusion and panic brim in Aurora’s gaze as it flits between the three of you.  There is a long silence. You do not back down. Morena purses her lips and rises to her feet slowly.

“Yes,” she drawls.  “I’m in an awful rush. I’m so grateful that you reminded me.”

You give her your sweetest, most innocent smile. You embrace her, kissing her gently on the cheek. She squeezes your shoulder.

“Come on, Tara. Let’s leave the lovebirds to their merrymaking.”

---

“Your mother is…”

“Difficult? Wonderful? Awkward?”

“I was going to say persistent.”

You laugh, whether it is from relief, amusement, or fear, you are not sure.

You are sitting on the sofa in the library. Her head rests on your lap as you untangle the braids from her hair. You had hoped that her first meeting with the inimitable Morena Dekarios would not be catastrophic. From the way that Aurora giggles now, you are reassured that it was not. Though whether this was solely owing to your premature termination of the meeting, you cannot say.

“She likes you,” you remark.

Aurora sighs. “I hope so.”

“It’s clear.” You chuckle. “You would know if she didn’t.”

She nestles further into you. You trace your finger up and down her jawline. How is it possible for a heart to feel so full? Perhaps that is what makes you feel brave.

“What did you think of Mother’s question?” You clear your throat. “About the future?”

She tilts her head. “That depends.”

“On what?” you ask, a little too quickly.

She pauses, and the sorrow in her smile wounds you.

“On how long you can put up with me.”

You pull her up into you. You kiss her so deeply, so desperately, that your flesh aches from where it has touched her. She is shaking when you come apart.

“I don’t want a future that doesn’t have you in it,” you breathe.

She pants into your lips. “Neither do I.”

---

There are good days, and there are bad days.

You expected this. The doctors and nurses warned you. You are prepared for the worst. You told them that nothing could phase you, and you are determined. You love her, and you will do what it takes.

You are an intellectual. You can measure things in the abstract, and see things with an academic’s remove. You know that the good days outweigh the bad days. You can see how she is changing, growing. You can see the chains which she is fighting to break.

Aurora has never lived with anyone but her mother. She has never known freedom, and it is a struggle to adjust. She has shed her glamour, and for the most part, she no longer hides behind the shroud of loose robes. She is full of passion and apprehension as she takes on management of Mr Serpentil’s bookstore. She supplements her income by hosting poetry and novel readings with elaborate shows of illusion. She is building a life for herself, which comes with as many obstacles as gains. There is laughter alongside her tears, hope alongside her despair. Her tenderness for you overflows between and beyond the sheets.

The doctors had wondered if it was too soon, if you were moving too fast. You have only known each other for two years, they warned, and Aurora’s affliction is not for the faint-hearted. Such challenges break even the strongest and most well-established relationships. You rebuffed them. You feel like you have known her your entire life, and you cannot waste any more time. You have suffered much, lost much, and you do not take anything for granted. You want to spend every moment with her.

You want to share everything with her, to bare your soul to her so completely that there are no more secrets between you. You tell her everything about your past, even the things that cause you grief and shame. You give your whole heart to her. It is the only way you know how to love her.

But there are times when the weight of her condition is crushing.  When she hides from you, and cannot be touched. When she cannot speak of the fears that claw at her, and retreats to a place you cannot go. When she freezes at the dinner table, stifling tears that come later in bed, when she shrinks away from your embrace.

It does not touch your love, only your resolve.

You know that kindness can overcome the burdens that a person carries. You yourself had friends who stood by you when you were a walking apocalypse, a ticking time bomb. They never abandoned you. They did not leave you to die.

You know that knowledge is the weapon to face any challenge.

You must find a solution, a cure, for her affliction.

---

Birthdays are difficult for her. All they signify is the devastation of yet another wasted year. She has never celebrated them. Her mother certainly never bothered, beyond reminding her of her shame and failures.

So when her birthday comes, you decide to celebrate her as she deserves.

You do what you do best. You array the dining room with candles and floating orbs. You fill the room with the scent of flowers, covering the table with a velvet cloth of rich green, her favourite colour. You spend hours preparing a rich, three course dinner, making sure that you dress the plates just so. You set the piano playing songs that have made Aurora smile. You brim with nervous excitement.

Tara insists that you wear your deep blue doublet and shave your beard, so you look your best. You humour her by doing the former, but you ignore her latter suggestion. From the speed with which Tara leaves, you can tell she thinks this night will involve more than a simple birthday celebration.

When Aurora returns home from the bookshop, shock blooms on her face. You take her hand and lead her into the dining room, where she looks around in bewilderment.

“You did all this for me,” she breathes, her eyes dilated with gratitude and desire.

“Happy birthday,” you reply, drawing her close.

You stumble and sway as your mouths find each other’s. She tastes of peppermint and smells of sea wind. You come apart panting, flushed, and you pull away from her only so you do not burn the food that is cooking. You glimpse a spasm of anxiety on her face, so you pass her your gift as you make your way to the kitchen.

“Gale.” She takes the box from you. “You really shouldn’t have.”

She stands at the boundary of the kitchen door as she unwraps it. You have found first edition copies of the complete works of Lorazelle Staunth, one of Aurora’s favourite romance writers. It took you some wrangling, but you managed to convince a colleague, a distant cousin of Staunth’s, to get them signed by their author. It is difficult to focus on the gravy you are stirring as you watch her out of the corner of your eye. She gasps, beaming, turning each book over in her hands with wonder and reverence, murmuring to herself.

You grin. “You’re welcome.”

She strides into the kitchen, over the invisible border that she has always feared to tread. Your breath catches as she leans into your back and wraps her arms around you. She does not let go, even when you have to walk back and forth to gather the dishes together to serve. Nor do you have the heart to ask her to release you.

You have never loved anyone so completely. You have never felt such happiness.

When you eventually sit down to eat, you take for granted what it is that you are asking. It dawns on you, as her jaw clenches and she grimaces. She tries, so hard, smiling, thanking you, complimenting your efforts. Her cutlery clatters on her plate, her movements are laboured. She tries to follow the thread of conversation, even when her gaze glazes and her words become broken. But in the end, it is too much, and you know you have pushed her too far, too soon.

“I’m sorry,” she gasps.

When she retreats to the bathroom, guilt engulfs you. You leave the untouched dishes, blow out the candles, silence the piano. You follow her, standing outside the locked door, listening to her muffled cries. You want to ask her to let you in. You do not know what to do, what to say. You wait.

How could you have been so foolish, so thoughtless? How could you have caused her such agony? You, who have always taken pride in your wisdom, your keen powers of observation. You have pushed the woman you love off a precipice, because you were selfish and insensitive. She has every right to be angry. To decide that you love her poorly. That you are unworthy.

You should have known better. You must make it up to her. You must find a way.

“This is my fault, Aurora,” you manage. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… I should have been more mindful… Please forgive me.”

The door creaks open slowly. Her eyes are swollen, her voice is hoarse.

“There’s nothing to forgive. You didn’t do anything wrong, Gale.”

She trudges back to the dining room, and you trail behind her. You can tell from her footsteps that she is exhausted. Adrift.  She gestures towards the table.

“Do you mind if we…”

You wrap your arms around her. She stands stiffly. She neither returns nor rejects your embrace. When you step back, she will not look at you.

“I don’t think I can give you what you need, Gale.”

You are taken aback by her words. Panic grows within you.

“What do you mean?”

She bites her lip, shaking her head.

“That’s not true, Aurora.” Your stomach lurches. “Please don’t say such things.”

She stares at you. There is something like coldness in her gaze, but you know it is not that. It is a wall of resignation, shame. There is bitterness in her voice, but it is not directed at you.

“You deserve someone who you can enjoy a dinner that you took such great lengths to prepare. Someone who’s grateful for all the amazing things you do. Someone who can receive the gifts that you give without reservations and certainly without…”

She swipes her hand towards the bathroom, the dining table, herself.

“…This. You deserve more than this shambles.”

“No, Aurora.” Your voice shakes like a plea. “No. I love you, what I deserve is-”

Her face twists.

“What if this is what it’s like, for the rest of my life? What if I can never sit beside you like a normal person and share such a wonderful meal that you so lovingly made? Will that be enough for you? Truly?”

You do not hesitate, not even for a second.

“Yes. Always. You’ll always be enough for me.”

She jerks her head back and forth. She knows you are being genuine, but there is dismay in her reaction.

“It isn’t enough. You deserve better.”

When you reach out to her, she turns away.

---

“Gale.”

There is uncertainty in her voice. She is flicking through the books and papers that clutter your desk as you look up from the letter you are furiously writing. When she last visited, Shadowheart told you about Sister Rose, a cleric at the House of the Moon, reputedly an expert in afflictions of this nature. You are bent on making her acquaintance as soon as possible.

“There’s an awful lot of research here about...”

You nod. She still struggles to give her condition a name.

“What about your own research? Your studies on Illusion?” She frowns. “Do you have time for…all this?”

It is true that you have put your own research on hold for the moment, but it hardly matters. You do not understand why both she and Tara have been asking you about this. You place your quill to one side and stand, crossing over to her. You place one hand on each shoulder, lowering your head to look straight into her eyes.

“This is my only priority right now, Aurora. If there’s anything out there that can help you be free of this burden, then I’ll find it.”

She winces. It stings you. All you want is to show her that you love and care for her more than anything. You do not understand.

“I think it might a bit more complicated than that, Gale.” Her gaze flickers away, then back to you. “I don’t think it’s an equation that can be solved with a simple formula.”

You search her eyes. She is withdrawing, you can sense it. Soon, you will not be able to follow. Desperation bubbles within you. You must show her that you can do it. You can help her.

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way. There’s a wealth of knowledge that I’ve not even touched yet. We’ll find a way out of this together.”

Her features spasm. She closes her eyes.

“This isn’t your burden, Gale. It isn’t your problem to fix.”

You take her face in your hands. Her eyes are misted now, darkening. You feel helpless to stop the clouds that are coming.

“You’re the woman I love. I do this because I love you.”

She presses her hand against yours. It is so small, so cold.

“Gale, your research, your studies-“

“Nothing matters more to me than you.”

She makes a choked sound. There is anguish in it. You need to prove to her that it can be done, that you can find her the keys to freedom. She holds you, and you can feel her shivering slightly. She turns, and you watch, bereft, as she leaves the room.

---

You jolt awake on some nights, clutching your chest where the mark of the orb used to be. Pain still blazes through you after the nightmares, emanating from the orb’s phantom, ripping through every muscle.  You grit your teeth and clench the sheets, waiting for it to pass. You do not know if you are imagining it, or if there are traces of the orb which remain. Perhaps Mystra is not fully pleased with you, despite having promised her forgiveness. Perhaps you still disappoint her, and this is the only reprimand that she can be bothered to muster.

Your dreams are black and purple. Gossamer veils and black tentacles wind around you, flooding the chambers of your heart. You are a young boy behind a rose bush, and then you are a man stripped bare by a command, and you are on your knees, undone before the astral abyss. The goddess looms over you, pronouncing your judgment, and you are terrified and alone.

Every time you wake trembling, shouting, she is by your side. She holds you, her dawn light caressing your hands, your chest, your eyes. She cradles you, and her whispers are like healing spells. You are loved. You are safe. You are enough. You are still here.

You wish you could do the same for her, every time the darkness comes.

---

“The dancing figures, and then the dragons that you conjured… the battle that you represented with those floating lights… It was truly spectacular, Aurora, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

You have returned home with Aurora. Your hands are a flurry, and you can barely contain the excitement and pride in your voice. For almost four months she has been working with a collection of poets and playwrights to put together a showcase of their debut works. A small production, but a raving success. That only a modest crowd attended the performance seems to you the greatest injustice.

On the walk back, she has been smiling, nodding, making the occasional sound of agreement. But you can tell that she is not present. You tell yourself it must be post-performance exhaustion, frayed nerves. Perhaps she has not eaten or drunk enough. Maybe she needs more sleep. Her days have been long lately.

Yet there is something in her quietness that gives you pause.

“Aurora, are you alright?” You place a hand on her cheek. “Is something the matter?”

She shakes her head. “I’m fine, Gale.”

You can tell from the way that she hunches into herself, from the wall that has come up behind her eyes, that she is not fine.

“What’s wrong? Was it something I said?”

“No.” She turns away. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Aurora.” You take her hand. “Please, tell me.”

Her lip quivers. She starts and stops. “I can’t. I don’t…”

She closes her eyes. She pushes you away when you try to hold her. Sometimes, it is agonising when she withdraws. When you have shown her your whole soul, and there are parts of herself she hides from you. Tonight, it feels like a rejection. Perhaps it is not that she cannot give you everything, or that she fears to do so. Perhaps she simply does not wish to.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

Your voice comes out flat, but inside you are breaking. The torment in her gaze is like a gash in your heart.

“No, I…” She balls her fists. “I just…”

You never thought you would ever wish to have a mindflayer tadpole again. But tonight, you remember how it was, to so easily join your thoughts to another’s, to share their memories and feelings, to see the world through their eyes. Tonight, you wish you both had a tadpole, so you could ask her to let you in. So you could understand her.

But perhaps she still would not wish to open herself to you.

“It’s alright, Aurora. You don’t have to tell me.”

“Gale…”

Old memories are coming to you now. Old wounds, from giving of yourself and asking, then failing to receive. Of waiting, fighting to become worthy. Of being shut behind icy walls, left with nothing but your lack.

“I understand if there are things you don’t wish to share with me.”

She steps towards you. “It’s not that…”

A flood has begun inside you now, and you feel like you may drown.

“I understand if you don’t feel like you can trust me. Perhaps I need to do more to earn your trust.”

She is shaking her head furiously.

“I know that I’ve failed on many occasions to be what you need me to be-”

“Gale, please stop.”

There is such an urgency in her words. You stare at her.  

“It’s not your fault.”

A tear rolls down her cheek.

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell you… I just don’t have the words to tell you. Everything inside is just… a mess.”

There is a flash of light inside you. A wave of relief ripples amongst the flood.

“I want you to read my thoughts.”

You are speechless for a moment. You are considering what this means, what she is giving you. The weight of rejection that you no longer have to carry. The fear that you can cast out.

She nods at you, firmly, earnestly.

“I want you to know everything. Please, Gale. Cast the spell.”

---

When you read her thoughts, you see. You feel the anguish that jolts through her, watching the meaningless flirtations that are cast your way. The painted faces and willowy figures flaunted by younger women she believes are more worthy of your attentions. You hear the voices within her, screaming at her for the ways in which she differs from them. Her hair, lank and dark, her skin, blemished and rubbery. Bulges in her flesh where other bodies lay flat. Endless mirrors, laden with shame and anger twisted inwards like a blade, a barbed yearning to be different, better, beautiful.

He is so beautiful, the voice chants, and you are not. He will soon see, and grow weary of you. And then he will leave.

There had been a few women, after the performance, who had thrown themselves at you. You scarcely remembered them, they were so trivial, their chattering so absurd. You had never been one to fawn over such superficial things. Others may consider you attractive, but what of it? You have no eyes for anyone else but her.

But now you see, and you understand. You realise that the frequency of such incidents hurts her. It is not your fault, but she struggles nonetheless.

“Aurora.” You are afraid you might cry from the intensity of her pain. “There’s no one else. You’re the only one I see.”

You are not on your knees, but you feel as though you are begging.

“I love you. Only you. You must believe me. You must see it.”

You can tell how badly she wants to say yes. But she does not.

“What can I do to prove it to you?” you plea. “What more can I do to show you? Because I’ll do it. I’ll do anything for you.”

She takes your face in her hands. She looks at you with love and despair.

“You’ve given me everything, Gale. There’s nothing more you can do.”

---

“Thank you so much for seeing me, Sister.”

Her face crinkles as she smiles. She seems kind enough, but you are uncertain she will be able to give you more than the leading scholars you have harangued. But you are willing to try anything. Even an elderly cleric of Selune who has spoken to you for half an hour about gardening.

“It sounds like you’ve done considerable research into this condition, Professor Dekarios.”

“I have,” you confess. “But I’m aware that you have considerable practical experience in healing individuals with this affliction. And that’s why I’m here, to understand the methods that have given you such success.”

“Oh?” She rests her chin on steepled fingers.

“Yes,” you continue. “I’ve been trying to apply the recommended approaches, Sister, based on the latest advice from the House of Healing in-”

“Approaches?”

You nod. She considers for a moment, her brow furrowed.

“Professor Dekarios,” she begins. “Do you love your fiancé?”

“She’s not my-”

You stop yourself. She is more to you than even that.

“Yes. I do. Very much.”

“And do you show her that, with your words and actions?”

You are not sure where this line of reasoning is leading. But you are reassured by the gentleness in the Sister’s voice.

“Yes. I do.”

She leans forward in her chair.

“When she struggles, do you show her patience, kindness, and respect?”

“Of course.” You frown. You assume this is obvious. How could you not? “And I try, always, to broaden the limits of my understanding.”

She hums. “And when you speak to your fiancé, do you speak to her soul, or her affliction?”

You arch an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what you mean, Sister.”

“Do you truly see her? The truth of her person, beyond the hold that this condition has on her? Who she is, outside of this suffering?”

You remember the way she rocked against you as she wept, that first time she had let you visit her in the House of Healing. ‘This is all I am,’ she had said. ‘This is all I’ve ever been.’ It was not true then, and it is not true now.

“I do, Sister.”

She nods, then leans back again.

“Then you’re doing everything that you can do.”

That cannot be all. You cannot mask the exasperation in your voice.

“Surely there must be something more I can do. There must be a remedy-”

Something steels in her gaze. “May I speak frankly, Professor Dekarios?”

“Of course.”

She draws in a sharp breath.

“What your fiancé suffers from cannot be cured with a spell or a tincture, a scalpel or a course of medicine. She must walk herself through a tangle of vines, and cut them off one by one at the root. It may take her a few months, or it may take her a lifetime. But you can’t do this for her. Neither is it your responsibility to do so.”

She cuts you off before you can interject.

“You can’t cure her. All you can do is love her, and show her what lies beyond the vines. That’s enough, Professor Dekarios.”

Her smile is light, but her words are heavy.

“You’re doing enough.”

---

As soon as you open the front door, the smell of burning assails you. You rush into your home, leaping from room to room, calling out her name. Eventually, her voice comes to you from the kitchen.

You find her there, crouching on the floor amidst a scattering of broken china. She is holding a cloth around her right thumb, drenched in crimson.

“What happened?” you gasp.

You hurry to her side. As you fuss over her injury, gathering up the sharp shards around you, she tries to reassure you that she is fine, everything is fine.

“I wanted to make you something,” she explains. “Something we could share together – I wanted to try, to show you I’m getting better.”

She stares at her bleeding thumb, at the remains of the charred dish she could not prepare. You wrap your arms around her. You do not want her to be crushed by disappointment, feeling she has failed. You want to shield her from it all, forever.

“You have nothing to prove, Aurora.”

“But I do.” She looks up at you with whirling eyes.  “I don’t want you to run yourself into the ground, trying to fix me.”

“It’s not like that-”

“But it is, Gale. I love you, and I always will. You don’t need to earn it. You can’t fix me. You don’t need to.”

The words stick in your throat. You are overwhelmed by the knowledge that even in her distress, she has sought to give you comfort. To assure you of her love. In the light of her gaze, the shadows of your old wounds seem to fade.

“I’m not going anywhere.” The resolve in her voice fills you with hope. “And I’ll fight this until the end.”

She curls into you, and you cradle her head against your heart. You are not sure how long you remain there, still and silent, cocooned in each other. You become aware of her lips brushing against the exposed skin of your chest, drifting softly up the side of your neck, over the line of your jaw. You tremble as her tongue flutters on the bristles of your cheek. Her searching mouth opens to yours.

And then, all you can feel and taste and smell is her.

---

“Where did you learn all these things?”

You smirk at the question. Your body drapes over hers like a mantle. There is awe and mischief in her tone. Dusted with pink, her skin gleams with the after-effects of your passion. You cannot get enough of the sight.

“Aurora,” you chide. “A gentleman doesn’t speak of such things.”

She arches an eyebrow. “You aren’t always a gentleman.”

“I suppose not.”

You swipe your tongue around the peak of her nipple. She moans, batting you softly away as you laugh.

“But Gale,” she whines. “I’m curious.”

“Are you?”

“Yes, I am.” Those wide, bright eyes again. You can never refuse them.

“I’ll do my best to sate your curiosity,” you mumble into her neck.

She chews her lip. “I know there were a few others, before Mystra.”

“There were.”

She sighs as you nibble at her collarbone.

“But no one of note, you said.”

You hum, tracing your nose down her shoulder. “Forgettable. Distractions.”

“And then Mystra preferred things abstract, incorporeal…”

“She did.” You are following Aurora’s freckles again, down to the underside of her breast. You can feel the vibrations of her body.

“So how did you gain such proficiency in-”

She sucks in a breath as you lick at the spray of freckles around her navel, meandering down to her centre. Her hips roll ever so slightly. You are surging.

You grin as you look up at her. “I studied and practised.”

---

Your clasp and unclasp your hands behind your back. Your throat is dry, your chest a tangle. In a haze, you scan the smiling faces of all your nearest and dearest, gathered before you with eager anticipation. The scent of lavender drifts from the arch behind you, stilling your thoughts for a moment.

You had been planning to ask her. For weeks you had fretted over the words, the time and place. You had worried that it was too soon, too much. Your research told you that such events could often trigger an exacerbation of her affliction. You did not want to subject her to such agony. And though you knew her love and desire for you, fear still clung to you like your phantom orb. Part of you was still afraid she would not accept.

She had turned up at Blackstaff unexpectedly on your birthday. You had planned to take a stroll into the city together after your classes were over, but she wanted to give you a present before then. With wonder, you unravelled a collection of poems she had written. Entitled “Promise”, the first page was a dedication to you.

Her poems conjured the splendour of stars bursting. It did not take long for you to devour them all. And she had known you would, because the last line of the final poem ended: “Marry me.”

It is true that there were tears, and half-eaten meals, and broken mirrors. You tried to take on as many of the preparations as possible, to shield her from the stress. You reassured her that the wedding could be postponed or cancelled if she was not ready. You could not take away her fears about what she might wear, how she might look. Yet she had promised that she would fight, and fight she did. And now, you are here.

You can see your mother giggling as she whispers to your aunt and uncle, your cousins jostling keenly around them. Nurse Mona sits amongst a small group of druids and bards, Aurora’s closest friends. Elminster bobs his head to the rhythm of the lutist. Karlach glimmers with muted fire, grinning at you and waving. You wave back, extending your greeting to a beaming Halsin beside her. You glimpse Astarion and Tav, fiddling with each other’s collars, and Shadowheart examining a piece of parchment with Xan. Lae’zel watches and listens with silent pride.

It has been years since you have come together with your companions from the old days. Time and distance could not sever the bonds that formed between you so long ago. Yet their absence was a hole inside you that ached to be filled, until today.

To stand here, surrounded by these people you cherish so dearly, knowing you are loved and desired by her so completely – it is overwhelming. You are blinking, rubbing your eyes hard.  Wyll squeezes your arm behind you. You turn to face him.

“Remember what we talked about, Gale.”

You inhale sharply, running your fingers through your hair.

“Breathe…” Wyll chants. “Think: Calm. Composed. Dignified.”

“I am calm and composed,” you echo. “I am dignified.”

He nods sagely. “We have the whole day ahead of us.”

“And I can’t be a blubbering mess already.” You clear your throat.

Wyll chuckles. “If anyone can handle this, my friend, it’s you.”

In his gold-embroidered, midnight blue doublet, Wyll exudes courtly bearing. When he and Karlach had returned to Baldur’s Gate, it did not take long for you to rekindle your friendship.

“Thank you for being here, Wyll. I can’t think of a better man to stand by my side.”

His smile is warm as the summer sun.

“Thank you, Gale. The honour is all mine.”

---

When Sister Rose begins her opening remarks, you are barely listening. Your eyes have caught on a flurry of movement in the distance. Your breath hitches.

Tara flutters down the aisle, and comes to rest opposite you and Wyll. Your oldest companion, your most loyal friend. The one who cared for you when you had no one else. Now, she stands by the woman that you love as her most ardent defender, her confidante. You reach out to her. She nuzzles your hand with her cheek. Your vision is beginning to blur.

Everything around you dissolves as Aurora steps forward. She wears her dark waves like a crown. Her face glows in the sunlight, bare except for a flicker of blue kohl on her eyelids and a dusting of glitter on her freckled cheekbones. Her gown is a waterfall of stars at midnight, resting lightly around her waist, cascading around her as she moves. It is a masterful, delicate illusion, but it does not conceal her, nor temper her beauty. She strides towards you with the certainty of hope, the resolve of love.

The tears come, and you cannot stop them.

She does not take her eyes off yours as she approaches. You have never before witnessed such a miracle, nor felt a happiness so bright and raw.

You are both crying as she takes her place. There is a ripple of sighs from the crowd as Wyll passes you a handkerchief and Sister Rose presses a cloth into Aurora’s shaking fingers. You are laughing as you wipe away each other’s tears.

You take hold of her hands, and it begins.

---

“Here he is, the man of the hour.”

You dip your head at Astarion. Tav embraces you.

“I do apologise. I was making a beeline for you, but got accosted by a very merry Elminster, extolling the virtues of our cheese board in painstaking detail.”

“None of us have been able to get near it,” Tav laments. “Or dared to try.”

“Lovely cloak, Astarion. Very… vampiric.”

Astarion arches an eyebrow. “It was either this or not coming at all. Fashion is less important than not frying in the sun, I’m afraid, even for such a momentous occasion.”

You chuckle. “Thank you for coming.”

His fangs glint as he grins. Tav circles an arm around his shoulder.

“We wouldn’t miss it for the world, Gale,” Tav exclaims. “We’re so, so happy for you.”

“We just had the pleasure of your wife’s acquaintance.” Astarion takes a sip of wine. “I didn’t think I would ever meet someone so similar to you in every respect, yet not insufferable at all! Your wife is simply charming. An absolute delight.”

“Astarion,” Tav warns.

You titter. “I think I’ll take that comment in the spirit in which it was intended. She’s exceptional. Remarkable. I agree.”

“I can only imagine how many long and intense discussions you had in the library,” Astarion purrs. “Staring longingly at each other, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s-”

Tav jostles him. “Astarion, stop!”

Astarion cackles.

“What’s so funny?”

You flinch a little from the force of Karlach’s hug. Halsin, deep in conversation with a smiling Aurora, follows behind. She radiates with joy, and you have never wanted her more.

You clasp Halsin’s hand in greeting.

“Just to be clear, Halsin.” You plant a kiss on Aurora’s cheek, intertwining your fingers with hers. “My wife and I are quite happy with our relationship, as it is. Just the two of us.”

Halsin holds his hands up. “I wouldn’t presume otherwise, Gale.”

Aurora looks at you in confusion. You touch your nose to hers.

Karlach chortles. “You two are so fucking sweet.”

---

“So we’ll see you again next month?” Aurora asks hopefully.

“Of course.” Shadowheart takes the wine that you offer her. “I might end up staying longer at the House of the Moon this time. I’ll bring you those scrolls and tinctures that we discussed.”

Aurora’s eyes dance with delight.

“Will you bring the owlbear?” Karlach gushes. “Wyll and I have missed the little guy.”

“Perhaps that would be an opportunity for Xan.” Lae’zel glances at the child. “You wanted to make a sculpture of a great beast of Faerun, did you not?”

Xan nods thoughtfully. He scribbles something in his notebook.

“It would be a great opportunity for us, too, Lae’zel,” you muse. “To hear more of your jokes.”

Lae’zel twitches.

“And to learn about more unconventional uses of Githyanki psionics.” You catch Aurora’s eye, and she bites her lip.

“Observe, Xan,” Lae’zel remarks, gesturing between the two of you. “Waterdhavian mating rituals are indeed more refined than others in Faerun.”

There is the slightest lift of Lae’zel’s eyebrow. You clap your hands together and laugh.

---

How is it possible for a heart to feel so full?

You stand silently, bathing in the light of the stars, buoyed by the song of those you love around you. You search for her, and it does not take long to find her.

She lingers near the central table, admiring the intricate designs on the cake which your mother crafted with tenderness and zeal. Gently, she takes a small slice in her hands, lifting it to her lips.

She takes one bite, and then pauses. She takes another. She smiles.

Her grey eyes meet yours across the expanse. You bound towards her, and she squeals as you lift her up and spin her around. You can taste brandy and chocolate as her mouth glides against yours.

“I think it’s time to go,” you whisper.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's note: When I finished Progress, I thought it would be a standalone fic. But I was so in love with Gale and Aurora, and so wanted to give them a happy ending. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you so much for taking the time to engage with this story.

Please, feel free to reach out, I'd love to hear from you.

If you liked this fic, you can check out my other work here.

[free-imaginations-for-you]

DIMMED LIGHT

ONE SHOT

Kim Taehyung x female Reader 

In this absence of any noise, i felt a very great comfort. It was so quiet you could hear my heartbeat taking on the melody of the rainbeat with every drop that splattered down the car on this rainy night. I still could not believe it, how could he do such a tumult in the restaurant, because his delusional self thought that the waiter was flirting with me. Honestly I must admit that his protective side was always a trait that drew me to him but that strong emotion mixed with the uneasiness he had felt within himself for several weeks, like him and I were moving away from each other, like he could be replaced within a blink of eye, was a deadly poison.

„Who the fuck do you think you are?“ was the last thing he spit with an evil smirk in his face, his eyes burning with pure anger. Everything happened so fast, the next thing I saw was Taehyung's fist slamming merciless into the waiter's face with full force. The awful noise is still in my ears, making me flinch whenever I imagine the scene in front of me. To be honest it‘s not the first time that such thing happened, but he vowed me to control hisself, he promised me that even when he has his outburst I never had to fear him. His outburst tonight was different from the ones I witnessed before. I can’t get it of my mind, how empty and lifeless his eyes were when they met mine while i tried with all my might to calm him down, to prevent the situation from escalating. Actually he was aware I was scared to death, he knew that I get anxious whenever someone get’s in a physical fight. It’s not like he didn’t know how upsetting this situation was for me, but he simply choose not to care about my feelings neither my wellbeing. In this moment he just wanted to prove a point, to me, to the waiter, to the restaurant, to the whole world.

It’s not a surprise that we‘ve had a tense situation for weeks, neither of us trying to state the obvious, that the spark between us is slowly but surely fading away. Words can not express how happy and exciting I was when he suggested the date in the first place. First of all he wasn’t really the romantic lovely dovley type to organize a candlelight dinner for the two of us. So in my irrational mind I thought that this would be the perfect opportunity for me to remind myself of all his good qualities which is why i fell in love with him, really hoping that the guy i fell in love with four years ago is still there waiting for me to put him out of the the dark. It feels like the Taehyung i fell in love with is gone since the day he put this personal success above all else. I‘ve always admired his ambition, but often it feels like he‘s a bird flying higher and higher, without looking back what he‘s leaving behind and I have no choice but to watch him fly from my golden cage that i had unconsciously built for myself since the day i vowed to be there for him no matter what.

Maybe it was the way he knew exactly what to say to me with those sugar sweet little lies or maybe it was me who was willing to believe every lie he told me, like an idiot closing my eyes to the most obvious thing. The way he had the power to destroy every fibre of self confidence and self love i had in me. Making me doubt myself, making me feel like the lowest version of myself. He made me feel so high above the sky, giving me the feeling of protection, love and respect. Actually slowly but surely he made me forget the beauty of the rise, because the feeling of the freefall was an hundred times worse. One positive thing came out of this situation, the fact that he put me through this made me, made me realize that I won‘t let this happen ever again. Not now, not tomorrow, not in an hundred years. Believe it or not, I made up my mind, no force in the world, no-black magic, not even his sprakling brown eves that promised me whole universes and galaxies, could revent me from putting my wishes and wellbeing first. The raindrops hit the ground loudly and relentlessly on this stormy and rainy night, instead of the tears that i vowed not to let fall. Even the cloudy and dark weather was on my side, it felt like the whole word was sharing the feeling of sadness and loneliness with me with every raindrop that fell on the cold ground.

It felt like forever but we‘ve arrived at the apartment. Not a word left our lips since the moment we left the restaurant. In all honesty I wasn‘t even ready to face him, to look him in the eyes after everything he put me through tonight. The second we entered the apartment, I made my way to the couch, I didn't even have the strength to take off my shoes nether my coat nor turn on the light. This darkness gave me a familiarity and comfort, it’s sad to say that’s the way i spend the last couple of weeks waiting for Taehyung to return home. No to be more precise I waited every night in darkness with the hope that he will enlighten the apartment with the light that his old self carried within him. It’s time to wake up from my dream and face reality, the light within him dimmed down, there is not much left of his old self.

„It not my fault, he should‘ve known what he got into the moment he started undressing you with his filthy eyes.“ he stated monotonous in a low voice while standing at the doorframe crossing his arms. „He was not flirting nor undressing me with his eyes, he was simply being polite. If you would pay attention to something other than your self for once in your life, you would have notice that he was like that with all the costumers there.“ I countered as i leaned back at the couch with a firm but calm voice, feeling tired and drained out from this messy situation. „I couldn‘t fucking care less how he acted with other women. What i don‘t tolerate is the fact he could not take his eyes off what‘s mine.“ he said angrily not understanding why you would try to defend him.

„Are you even listening to yourself? First of all i‘m not your possession and secondly just admit that you just wanted to make a point and show everyone that no one can mess with you and you enjoyed the feeling of megalomania, that you‘ve gotten used to over the last few months at my fucking expense, without wasting a fucking thought on how I felt the whole time.“ i voiced out my voice nearly breaking, feeling like every word i uttered turned to smoke slowly fading away, not even reaching him. „That‘s not true and you fucking know it.“ he said feeling hurt, trying his best not to give weight to the words you just spit. To say that he was unaffected by your statement would be a lie. The only way Taehyung could prevent himself from shutting out completely and distancing himself, was by making you feel the crushing grief he is feeling deep inside his heart. „Don’t you think that if you would know your fucking boundaries from the beginning we wouldn‘t be here in the first place. Do I have to remind you whenever we leave the door that you are in a relationship? Stop being „nice“ to every fucking male you meet, that‘s making you look so fucking pathetic.“ he screamed his voice getting louder and louder with every word coming out of his mouth, the pure sarcasm in his voice while saying the word nice didn’t go unnoticed by me. His eyes were filled with pure rage and pain. I shook my head closing my eyes not wanting to believe that he could say such hurtful things to me.

„We are over.“ i simply said those 3 words that have been lingering in my mind for so long, while standing up from the couch, feeling like a weight was lifted off my soulders. „What do you mean?“ he asked feeling panic and anxiety starting to grow inside his thorax. „I‘m so done with the way you‘ve been treating me the last couple of months I deserve so much better than this.“ i stated while pointing at us. „I gave you everything I had inside of me and you gave me nothing but pain in return. You are not the Taehyung i fell in love with, you are not the person I vowed to love, to look after, to never leave and let go anymore. Actually you don’t respect me nether do you love me after all those words you said to me and I can‘t continue this relationship for another moment.“ i confessed what I had in my mind for so long, finally making up my mind for good. He felt his heart shatter, making it impossible for him to utter a word while watching you leave the door. The best thing that ever happened to him left and he couldn‘t do nothing but watch you leave.

[slashersgostabbystabstab]

Hold

I took a break from writing Xenomorph stuff and decided to play some DBD. To my surprise, I encountered a Singularity who (thanks to my username Singularity Plz <3 ) sacrificed everybody except me. Even wished me a Happy Birthday in endgame chat. It delighted me so much I couldn't stop smiling, so I wrote a fast and crappy fic but was too sleepy to actually post it.

It was written super fast under the influence of complete elation so as I said, it's no doubt crappy like literally there is no editing lol. I'll pump out better fics when I actually sit down and give myself a decent amount of time ^^

Reminder that short fics for Seven and Hux are always open!

Words: 1618

Out of all the killers you could have picked as your partner, you just had to go and choose the one that was guaranteed to give you little to no affection. Emphasis on the “no” part of that phrase. He was sure to never give you a sweet nor ardent kiss, let alone hug you properly with the limbs he constructed onto his body. Hell, he would never provide any comforting words if he miraculously tried to. It just wasn’t in his programming nor newfound awareness to show any sort of sentiment. 

But even with chances as low as yours, you really did try for his affections no matter how much of a beggar it made you seem. Thankfully nobody else was ever aware of your foolish advances. 

And foolish was how somebody may have referred to you as if they had become witness to the sight involving you and the egotistical robot you called your partner. While his grappling claw fiddled with the various buttons on the panel belonging to the cloning hub, you were seated beside him with eyes glued on his form. As you gave him your most intent stare that explored every region of his anatomy, Hux stood almost completely still with what could be considered an equally fixated stare. And he never once paid any mind to you. 

Hux never took notice of the way you watched him struggle with the machine’s panel, only being aware that your presence was in his own. If anything he made sure to push your attendance to the back of his CPU; at least that was what his inner voice tried to convince him on. And you could admittedly say that you didn’t mind it one bit, this being one of those moments where being with him was almost sufficient. 

Nonetheless you remained sitting on your crate with your eyes never tearing away from him. From the entirety that was his self-made, perfect body. A smile was present on your features whilst your chin lay on the palm of your hand that was supported by the other arm that was crossed. With how lovingly you gazed at the murderous machine, you once again thanked the Entity that no killer was in your radius to see this. Let alone a fellow survivor. 

Let alone Hux’s surveillance. 

Had the word foolish been in his vocabulary and had he been paying attention to you, you were sure he would have voiced his opinion on your pathetic ogling. But alas, he somehow did not have his eyes everywhere and did not once realize that you had now inched closer towards his figure. 

You unfolded your arms to instead place them on your lap, smile widening just a tad bit more before you took another few inches off the distance between you and him. With this new proximity you took the opportunity to glance down at his modular hook that dug into the metallic flooring of the colony ship. The robot always stood in the same exact spot every time he worked on the cloning hub, having caused a dent in the ground only visible when his hook moved from said location. 

Your eyes followed up the sharp weapon ever so slowly to admire every bit of rust, and dried blood, that coated it. Not paying much mind to those bits of his claw, your eyes resumed their trail to the rest of his limb that entangled his flesh around the machinery. Seeing as Hux still disregarded you despite your intense observing, you cleared your throat loud enough to call out to him. But the only thing to come from Hux was the whirring sounds of his machine parts moving, signaling that he had not gone into sleep mode. Meaning he intentionally was keeping his attention on the cloning hub’s screen. 

You gave another clear of your throat with a slightly faltered smile, but in no way did your sense of determination fluctuate. So you subsequently removed your hands from your lap to lift yourself off of the crate, spinning around until you were facing in the same direction as Hux. Even then he only moved his claw that continued to do Entity knows what on the hub’s panel. 

Having spun your body around, you scoot even closer towards Hux with your right hand placed on your side. And although your left one mimicked the other, this one instead slid over the crate’s surface in an inconspicuous manner. 

Finally you turned away from Hux, but you did so in a playfully unknowing way as though you never took notice of what you were doing and instead stared at the hub’s screen. Once your hand reached the edge of the crate and began to hover in the air, your fingers cautiously reached out to where you knew Hux’s claw was positioned. 

Still watching the cloning hub, your fingers bit by bit stuck together before clasping onto the hook’s back side. Perhaps not the smartest decision, but it was the only comfortable way of holding the claw without it being awkward. More awkward than it already was, at least. 

The corners of your lips shot upwards at the contact while you still looked away from Hux, even when he instantly shot a look in your direction due to somehow having felt the hold on his hook.

“What are you doing?”

At long last you returned your gaze to his form, taking your time before your eyes met with his visor’s lights.

“What was that?”

“What are you doing?” Hux repeated, never once moving a single inch. 

“I’m just sitting here.” you gave a shrug before turning away with a tightened grip on his claw. “What are you doing?”

Just like moments earlier, you were met with a deafening silence that prompted you to look back at him with your same smile. Hux, despite the lack of emotions, gave you a stare that pierced right into your soul. Or it would have if you had been any other being that didn’t know him. 

“What?” you chuckled with a new grin before your eyes fell on your hand holding his claw. “Oh! Is that bothering you?”

“Yes.”

Hux’s immediate response had honestly caught you off guard, smiling face gone and instead replaced with wide eyes that looked at the ship’s wall with lightning speed. Your hand released Hux’s claw with the same speed before your hands were returned to your lap in a shame the robot was not aware of. Crazy how a robot could mortify you like that. 

“Sorry.” you mumbled with a clear of your throat, all confidence having flown out the window. “I’ll make sure not to do that again.”

“Why not?”

Now your eyebrows furrowed at Hux’s new question, making you turn to him with a blink of your perplexed eyes. 

“You just said-”

“Your directive never was to stop.” 

For a robot, he gave really confusing signals. He claimed the holding bothered him, but here he is saying he doesn’t want it to stop. Was he lying? Was he even capable of lying?

Nevertheless you gave a sigh, not sure if it was due to a newfound consolation, before your smile returned to your face. With this new relief in you, you reached your hand out to Hux and took hold of his modular claw once more. 

“This treatment is infernal.”

“Huxlee, I don’t even know what you want at this point.” You removed your hand from him again much to his disliking, causing him to finally turn his entire body to face you with his usual stare. At this, you crossed your arms with your smile remaining visible. “You want me to let you go, you don’t want me to let you go. And then you never give me a straight answer. Just how am I supposed to keep you happy?”

“I am not capable of feeling human emotion.”

“I know that.” you chuckled. “But I also know you won’t tell me to back off after this,”

No matter how many mixed signals he gave you, this was one thing you didn’t need any indication for. After standing up to meet Hux’s eyes, you took hold of his head before planting a quick kiss on the middle of his visor. And he, like many other times, remained still while his CPU recalculated just what had happened. 

“Holding…is acceptable.” Rang out his words from his voice box, making you grin at his sudden change of words. “Do not touch the modular claw.”

Was this another mixed signal, or a sort of threat?

“Human flesh is too feeble for a weapon such as that one.”

No, it was a warning. His way of looking out for you, even if it didn’t sound like it. 

“Then what can I hold?” you tilted your head to the side before Hux mimicked your action. However, his head snapped down soon after before you followed his gaze that landed on his projectile claw. And to your surprise, he lifted it and reached out to you rather than expect you to take the limb yourself. 

Your smile returned once more before you accepted his claw and met him halfway, holding his metallic fingers which gingerly curled around your own. With each of you now facing each other, you grinned up at the robot with a giggle before speaking again. 

“Are we just going to stand here holding…hands?” you blinked with a bit of a laugh, Hux merely snapping his head back in your direction. “Or…should we go out for a walk?”

“Strolling not necessary.”

Okay…guess standing in place was what it would be until he tired of it. Which, as much as he claimed to find your affections annoying, you learned would take a good minute to happen. It was just another one of his many ways of keeping you all to himself. 

You couldn’t help but laugh and shrug the strange positioning off, not like you hadn’t dealt with stranger things throughout this relationship. 

Hm. Maybe you could take things to the next step and try to hug him.

[bloomingdayswithyou]

Heyy, how are you? İ saw your requests was open so here i am 🧍can i request a hongjoong fluff or hurt comfort type of thing?? Im studying animation and game design in uni but i dont feel like i belong here. Finding motivation was always hard for me but its worse than ever in uni and my depression isnt helping either haHa- like for a while i stopped eating properly, not sleeping more than a few hours in a day and always do oil paintings, kinda locked myself home alone and cant find any strength to do something.

İf you cant write its alright tho!! Love you and your works <3

Guiding Light

Pairing: Hongjoong x gn!reader

Warnings: none, just angst with a good ending<3

Word count: 646

Author’s note: hi!! thanks for the request🤍 honestly I’m kind of going through something similar and just wanted to say that you’re not alone in this even though it might seem like it. Wishing you strength and healing on your journey as you pursue game design and animation or whatever you feel is right for you. 🌸

You sat alone in your small apartment, staring at your computer’s screen which displayed a few unfinished assignments. The room was dimly lit, mirroring the haze of emotions that consumed them. The weight of depression and anxiety had become almost too much to bear, leaving you feeling lost and disconnected. Hongjoong had noticed the subtle changes in your demeanor over the past few weeks. As he knocked softly on the door, his heart filled with concern for the person he cared deeply about.

"It's me," Hongjoong called out gently, hoping to offer some comfort in your darkest hour.

Slowly, you opened the door, your eyes reflecting a mix of sadness and relief at seeing Hongjoong's caring face. "Hey," Hongjoong said softly, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. "I brought something for you." He held out a cup of warm tea, knowing it could be a small source of comfort. You took the cup with a weak smile, grateful for Hongjoong's presence. You settled on the couch together, the soft glow of the lamp casting a warm light around you.

"You know," Hongjoong began gently, "everyone faces moments when they doubt themselves or feel overwhelmed. It's okay to have those feelings. You don't have to be strong all the time."

Tears welled up in your eyes, and you couldn't help but spill your emotions to Hongjoong. You shared your struggles with finding motivation, your fears of not belonging, and all of the other burdens that seemed to weigh you down. Hongjoong listened attentively, his heart aching for you. "You're not alone in this," he said, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. "I'm here, and I care about you so much."

He pulled you into a warm embrace, creating a safe space where you could let your emotions flow freely. Hongjoong's presence was a guiding light in the darkness, offering solace and understanding.

"Sometimes, we need to take a step back and breathe," Hongjoong continued. "And it's okay to ask for help when we need it. You don't have to carry this burden alone." You clung to him, finding comfort in his words and his unwavering support. You realized that you didn't have to face your struggles alone, that Hongjoong was there to walk beside them every step of the way.

With Hongjoong's encouragement, you began to open up about how you feel with animation and game design, the dreams that had once fueled your creativity. Hongjoong listened with genuine interest, reminding you of the talent and potential you possessed.

"You are meant to be here," Hongjoong said firmly. "Your art and your creativity are unique and special. Don't let anyone or anything make you doubt that."

As the night wore on, you felt a glimmer of hope reigniting within you. Hongjoong's words acted as a balm to your wounded soul, soothing the ache of self-doubt and depression. "I'm here for you," Hongjoong said, brushing away a tear from your cheek. "And we'll get through this together. Your art, your dreams, they matter. And so do you."

In the days that followed, Hongjoong stood by your side, offering unwavering support and encouragement. They started to find motivation in your passion once again, your creativity slowly returning like the first rays of dawn after a long night.

As time passed, your art flourished once more, fueled by the newfound strength and love you had found in Hongjoong's embrace. Through the darkest of storms and the brightest of days, you held onto each other, knowing that with Hongjoong by your side, you could weather any storm and find the courage to embrace your dreams once more.

.

.

.

[littledollll]

Heeey,

May I ask a Lucifer x reader? R struggle with chronic back pain and Lucifer help them feeling better when it happens.

This is totally a self indulgent request.

Thank you 🤍

🦡anon

Love language: acts of service

Lucifer Morningstar x chronically Ill!reader

A/n: I found I like doing more narrator style fics, so this doesn’t have a lot of dialogue I hope that’s okay!

No warnings

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

“I could’ve done that myself.” You huffed out. It was hard to feel independent when tasks like lifting or even walking made a stabbing pain shoot down your spine. Lucifer knew that, they tried their best to mediate what tasks you should and shouldn’t be doing, not only because of the pain but for your own health.

“I know you could, but I wanted to help, allow me that my darling.”

Walking around along side them wasn’t the best idea you’ve ever had, you know that. Your back was killing you since a few hours ago honestly, but you were still too stubborn to let them so everything for you.

Lucifer always said regardless of your condition they would be this helpful, you doubted it, but it did offer some comfort. To know it wasn’t because you couldn’t or that they did it out of pity. It’s normal to want to help your partner in every day stuff, after all.

You hated needing assistance, Lucifer knew that too. So instead of always helping, they catered less straining tasks to you. You were quite aware of what they were doing but you still appreciated it, and it did help give you piece of mind that even if it was more simple tasks, you could do them and that was satisfactory enough.

But they also balanced that by doing the most simple tasks. It was true, regardless if you were able to or not they just wanted to help, and if it reassured you then that was simply an extra benefit.

Lucifer’s hand came to rest on your lower back, a soft reminder to fix your posture, you’d be even worse later if you didn’t now.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Once you were finally back home your pain had gotten worse, to be expected with a task filled day but you still dreaded it. What you didn’t expect was Lucifer leading you straight to an already prepared warm bath.

“We had quite the eventful day, I thought a bit of relaxation was an order.” Lucifer explained before you even got the chance to ask where all this came from.

It was perfect, the warm water helping that stabbing pain go away for at least a moment. Their arms wrapped around you and chin rested on your head, as the pain faded away you felt nothing but calm, and nothing but love. You wish you could always feel this relief, this comfort.

“I love you.” There was no need for them to say it, you knew, they showed it more than enough, those sweet three words made you feel so special every time.

[shadowcrowsworld]

Captured

Rhysand x reader

Summary: Reader getting captured from opponents of the inner circle

Warning: language, abuse of the reader, dark childhood, blood, self-doubt

!English isn't my first language!

I prest myself more and more in the corner behind me. Trying to escape from my brothers standing tall infront of me.

They are rare on one page but when it comes to me they are one big company. Beating up there little sister was a perfect amusement. All three standing tall infront of me.

My vision was already unclear and I couldn't say who was who. But by the hits that contacted my body I knew what they had in their hands.

One had chain, the second a whip and the third crowbar. They didn't really choose places were I could hide their marks they left on my body. But the deepest ones were on my back and ribcage. They were nowadays so deep that they were permanent that not Evan my Fea healing could do something about it.

"Oh look at our toy trying to escape." "But still to dump to remember that nobody would save her." "She will forever be our little play toy. I mean look at her nobody will take her like that." "Not even her mate would take her so powerless so useless a nothing that is what she is."

I didn't cried for such a long time when they or our parents were beating me up. I always swolloed my tears and screams because I knew how much joy they had when I did. I didn't want give them this victory as well, that was the last thing I could controll and what I could take from them. But that was the last straw I had today and they broke me again.

Every night I dreamed of my freedom lying under the night sky so close that I had the feeling I could touch them walking on colorful, joyful Street were everyone had a smile on their faces.

Escaping and cuddle into strong arms that protect me from my family and the life I was currently in. But they were right who would like to have someone like. My mate would definitely reject me.

"Oh look at her she is crying. Was the truth to much for you little sister?" "Oh sweaty we must tell you the truth so you know how your future will be, so you are not disappointed when you are older."

There voices where one, they were the truth so it doesn't matter who was talking to me. But they doesn't need to keep talking about my future I doesn't want that future everything should just end.

That was moment everything goes completely black around me.

____

It was hard to open my eyes. I wanted to wipe away the sleep in my eyes and climb out onto our roof and look into the night sky to remind myself that I wasn't anymore by my family.

But my hands were stopped in the motion, worst something sharp dug into my wrist. The pain remembered me were I was.

I maybe just woke up from my memory but the place I was in was in the personal dungeon from my family. The day I escaped from this place I had sworn to myself to never come back.

And now I was back in this wales chained to the wall behind me and one chain around my neck. I could barely hold my own bodyweight and was more hanging in my chains than standing on my own two feet.

I had a happy life when I escaped from my family. Cassian found me in the middle of a storm.

I most possibly had diet when he didn't found me that night. He brought me into Velaris and to Madja. She tried to heal my wounds as best as it was feasible.

Mor was the one who showed up in my temporary room by Madja. She asked me were I and especially my wounds came from. The only thing I said was that my family did that to me and i tried to run away.

I pleaded to her not to send me back to them and she didn't. She didn't asked further and who my family was.

That maybe was the luckiest I've ever got. My father and the rest of my related family tried to get into Rhysands place to rule the night court like he wanted.

Maybe they had just placed me back into the woods or to the court of nightmares. After all those years I spend with them after I became a part of the inner circle I didn't know how they would react to that information.

Even when Mor became a big sister to me. Amren the one who just teached me so much more about history and magic. Cas and Az who became the brothers I always wished for and Rhys.

Rhys the person I always ran to when I feeld weak had a panic attack or just needed to feel safe. Who listened to me without digging deeper. Who made me smile when not even Mor our Cas could bring a smile to my face and sitting in the night with me on the roof when I couldn't sleep.

When he was under the mountain with Amarantha it was like something was missing. And with just hearing the rumours and nothing really clear tore me apart.

The day he came back just coming into the dining room like he never left I couldn't belive my eyes. All of the others stood up and they where like big ball of limbs. Just Amren stood a little bit beside them and waited till Rhys was free from the others and welcomed him back.

I was still sitting and the table when he kneeled infront of my chair. "Are you really here?" I didn't trust my voice and wasn't even sure if he could her me.

But he just smiled at me "Yes I am back little moon." He brushed little with his fingers over my faced and captured the tears that were streaming down my face.

His touched waked something inside me and jumped on hin and hide my face in his neck and inhaled his scent. He pushed me even harder against his body and laid his wings around us.

I didn't know how long we were sitting on the ground that evening but I didn't left his side for the next weeks. In the fear he would just disappear again.

And now I was the one gone. The men of my father captured me when me and Mor were going back to Velaris after we were in the winter Court.

I don't know if they get us both or if Mor could escape from them. Oh please Mor be home, safe.

Tears were streaming down my face i don't know when my father and brothers would come back. So just give myself this moment of weakness.

I am sure that I will die in this cell. Because when they find who I really am nobody will come searching for me.

____

Rhysand:

I was training with the boys when I smelled Mors blood behind me before I saw her. I turned around and saw my cousin. Alone.

Where was my mate. Every alarm bell I had ringed in my body. Cas and Az were already at her side but she pushed their caring heads just away.

"I am fine. Everything is heald already." She walked to me and came to a hold with a certain distance.

"They attacked us in the worst. The privat warriors of Maximilian, they seemed shocked when Y/N's hood unveiled her face. There concentration was then completely on her. I couldn't even got close to her and then they were gone."

I was still I couldn't even lift my hand. Maximilian had my little moon, my heart, my mate. The bond never clickend on her side and know I feared that we didn't have enough time.

It clicked the first time I found her after one of her nightmares on the roof just watching in the night sky. That was the moment she became my hole world and know I feared again that I lost her.

The last time was when Amarantha captured me under the mountain. The only thing that brought me through the whole time was her. The memories of her, when she was so deep in a book that she didn't even recognise anything around her.

How the stars and the moon reflected in her eyes when we spend nights on the roof. How she dealt with my crazy family. She was know in the hands of my enemy.

"Rhys are you still with me." Mor asked carefully. "When did they attack you both." There was a lot of dried blood on her clothes and when they were heald that attack was not just before she appeared by us.

She looked at me with guilty eyes "Yesterday they knocked me out. I can't even say how I got out of the woods." That was a day already and in a day could happen so much to her.

She only had a few nightmares nowadays that would definitely change again when I got her out of their. Maximilian will definitely die that was already clear for me and nobody could change that.

I walked to the weapons on the other side and just wanted to grab a sword when Amren appeared infront of me.

"You idiot will not just leave now. Go change into you armour and come back here we will need a plan to get her out of Maximilian hands. And I will figure out why they suddenly changed their plans and just get Y/N and not her and Mor."

"Amren Y/N is my mate I will not leave any longer there than already" " And all of us know that so go and put on your armour."

I winnowed into my room and changed as fast as I could. I can't have been more than 10 minutes but when I was back my family was ready to fight. But every single one of them looked shocked.

"What, what did you found out." Not even Amren opend her mouth. "When none of you starts to talk I will just leave on my own."

Mor was the one who found her voice again. "Maximilian is Y/N father." No this can't be. I wasn't mad that she didn't told me who her family was. She had her reasons and understand it.

But the situation have gotten worse. My mate was in the hands of the man who hurt her already together with his sons.

They left marks on her visible ones and the ones that goes deeper. They will never gonna be happy ever again. "Let's go end get her out of their.

____

Y/N:

Through my blurry mind I herd many panicked voices. Slowly I gain more and more of my senses.

I wasn't sure if I heard his voice but I didn't dear to belive my hearing. Not until the door infront of me was blown into million peaces. Theire he stood with his full armour sword in his hands and violet eyes. He came he really came.

When my eyes connected with his something in me vibrated and lashed out to him. And than I feld it the bond that felt into place. His eyes expand before he rushed to me and freed me from my chains.

I fell into his arms and started to cry he was her and he was my mate. "Did you?" I've get out sniffled. "Yes I knew" he stood up with me prest against his chest.

"Are you disappointed." I asked carefully. It was like something hit him and I looked up into his voice. "Don't ever think that again. I am the one that didn't you." And then send all of his feelings over the bond.

I was glad that I wasn't standing my legs never would have hold me. Theire was so much love and I opend my self. I took down every wall that I build up around me and showed him me how I was feeling when he was by my side and in every single situation.

A big soft smile appeared on his face. I didn't care that I was at the place were I only had feald pain. Because he was holding me and the one who protected me from everything.

He kissed my nose and laid his forehead on mine like we are not in the home of one of his enemies. And I just wanted to feel his lips on mine.

Whe seem to have the same thought because he brushed lightly over my lips before he kissed me like I was the most important thing.

My lips started to tinggle and I wanted so much more but he disconnected our lips and laid his forehead again on mine.

"Let's go home little mate."

[electricbluebutterflies]

JessLeto + intertwining fingers

Late-era, PG-ish, also on ao3.

She knows all the signals perfectly.

Be with someone long enough and you know everything, spend the amount of time she has just coexisting and-

Jessica is distinctly tired of any impression that she has done anything a normal woman would not. She was supposed to, once, but she hasn’t. She hasn’t needed to. Let that innocence protect them.

She knows her partner’s signals, every little physical habit, subconscious tendencies he may not even know he has, and she knows how to react to all of them. This is what seventeen years has gotten her, this is what deliberate attempts at proximity have gotten, this is-

Tense and exhausted, his movements say on the evening of a lesser dinner, the kind she almost talked her way out of but decided she might as well be seen at even though her presence will not change the circumstances, or at least she didn’t think it would when she’d decided it wouldn’t kill her to put on a good dress and be politely quiet on the sidelines as usual. Not normal patterns. Normally her partner enjoys these things – he has a capacity for human interaction that she will never understand – but tonight he is not quite-

The rumors burden him too, she suspects. There are always rumors surrounding them like a fog, but lately bigger than usual, lately planned upheaval, lately-

It is bad form to clear the distance between them and remind everyone in this room that she has power beyond measure; it would be worse form, she decides, to simply ignore the potential problem.

“May I have a moment?” she says, voice on the edge of lacing with persuasion but she doesn’t need that just yet. “Privately?”

Her partner understands this, her partner who is well aware she does not ask for attention unless she has good reason. This is not a scene, Jessica reminds herself, this is as subtle as she can manage and-

She does not hear whatever formalities it takes to separate him from what looked like a pointless conversation anyways; she does not care, hyper-focused until they make it out to the hallway, always a goal in mind or else she is lost, always-

“What troubles you so much?”

Always a decency in that man, always the belief that she might be more self-interested than… well, there are things that should probably never see daylight in her personality, but…

“I only mean to ask you the same. You do not appear… yourself tonight. Is there something I have not handled, or-“

“If it were that simple, I would offer it to you and you would poison it in the dark. It is…”

She moves to face him, moves to take his hands in hers so her fingertips find pressure points. Just to calm, she thinks and does not say as she presses her nails to leave just the slightest indent, just to-

“I would do anything. You know that. We move as one.”

“Your loyalty is not in question,” he murmurs. “Even if…”

“It is only rumors, my love. Nothing that can be confirmed for some time.”

“Off-planet rumors, for once, and-“

“Do you doubt our status now?”

“No more than usual.”

“If we are unmoored, it will be a shock. Let it be. Our surprise will be real enough and-“

“You do not even fear fate itself.”

“I have already defied it to. What is there to fear?”

“And will you stand, if-“

“By your side, always. I have bound myself in ways you will never understand, and-“

Jessica shifts the placement of her fingertips just slightly, earlier movements clearly not working. She wants to calm, she reminds herself, she wants-

“You speak of this as if it will blow away.”

“And will it not? Frivolous talk from unknown sources is barely-“

“Something will change. It would make an amount of sense if-“

“Don’t tell me you want this.”

“When has desire guided anything at all?”

In a different mood such a comment would sound like the opening of a fight, an unbalanced accusation, but-

“It gave you me,” she says, cold as she can even as her frustration burns. “Do not think for a moment that the state of your heart can be ignored so easily by those around you.”

“We will accept what circumstances we are presented with,” her partner murmurs, ignoring the bait. “And it would not be a bad move to prepare for-“

“Prepare, yes. Not take on burdens that are not yet ours.”

“You would assume-“

“I do know you, and I do trust you, and I do-“

“It is unlike you to be less concerned than I am about something so significant.”

“Only significant if it’s real, and it would take years, and-“

“Still.”

“I will not see you undone by something so far out of reach. Am I understood?”

“Completely.”

“Is this…”

“I wonder sometimes if I am immune to you.”

Jessica rolls her eyes. “It’s just pressure points, nothing-“

“I’m aware. I did let you.”

As if permission means a damned thing to her, she thinks but doesn’t say, but-

“Is it working?” she repeats. “I could check myself, but-“

“Your presence may be more helpful than the movements of your hands. You do know how to rescue me from-“

“You were that bored?”

“If I say yes…”

“I know my timing wasn’t ideal, but-“

“Your consistency is still-“

“What will they assume I wanted?”

“The same as always. The same…”

She takes a kiss because she can, because she will not do what she is accused of – that will come later, behind a door that locks, when she is in a better mood for it – but nor will she deny it entirely, and-

“Will that do?”

“You’re impossible.”

“And you adore it.”

[penportrayal]

The Lifeline of Belief: How Others Held Me Up When I Couldn't Hold On

Have you ever felt like a deflated balloon, drifting aimlessly through life, convinced you're nothing but a crumpled mess? I have. In those moments, the sharp sting of self-doubt whispers, "You're a loser. You'll never amount to anything." It's a darkness that can swallow you whole, leaving you gasping for a shred of hope. It's during these soul-crushing moments that the faith of others can become an unexpected lifeline, hauling us back from the brink and reminding us we're not truly alone.

My story isn't unique. There were times when I felt like a deflated balloon, the air of potential whooshing out with every setback. It could be a failed project, a rejection letter, or even just a string of seemingly insignificant bad days. Each one chipped away at my confidence, whispering insidious doubts. "Maybe you're not good enough," they hissed. "Maybe you're meant to stay down here." But then, a hand would reach out, unseen but undeniably present. It might be a friend's unwavering belief, expressed in a simple, "You've got this," or a parent's quiet confidence, radiating from their warm embrace. Sometimes, it was a mentor's encouraging words, "You have a talent I haven't even seen you tap into yet." These acts of faith, big or small, were like beams of light cutting through the murky depths, reminding me of the surface I yearned to reach.

Here's the surprising thing: their faith wasn't blind. They didn't see some perfect, infallible version of me. They saw the stumbles, the flaws, the moments of self-pity. Yet, they chose to believe in something more – my potential, my resilience, my ability to rise again. And that belief, even when I couldn't muster it for myself, became a potent fuel. Their faith wasn't a magic fix, of course. It didn't erase the challenges or guarantee instant success. But it did something crucial: it shifted my perspective. It opened a crack in the wall of self-doubt, allowing a sliver of hope to creep in. That sliver, fragile as it was, became the starting point for me to slowly pull myself up. Slowly, I began to see myself through their eyes. I started to believe in the potential they saw, even if I couldn't fully grasp it myself. Their faith became a mirror reflecting a version of me I hadn't dared to imagine – a capable, worthy individual capable of overcoming obstacles.

This isn't just my story. It's a testament to the profound power of human connection. We are not meant to navigate life's storms alone. The belief of others can be the anchor that keeps us grounded, the compass that guides us back to shore. So, if you're ever feeling lost, adrift in a sea of self-doubt, remember this: you are not alone. Look around you. There are hands reaching out, voices whispering encouragement, and hearts brimming with faith. Let them be your lifeline. Let their belief remind you that you are capable of rising, stronger and more resilient than before.

And remember, one day, you might be the hand reaching out, the voice offering encouragement, the heart radiating faith for someone else. The ripple effect of belief is powerful. Let it start with you.

[acemistakes]

Imposter Syndrome

Noun

the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills

┏ ┐

i. Introduction

ii. What is imposter syndrome?

iii. Some tips

iv. Outro

v. Sources

└ ┛

Imposter syndrome is quite honestly one of the worst things for my spiritual practice. There’s always the question of whether or not something was real or if I’m just being biased or imagining it. Is this deity actually reaching out or interested in working with me or am I forcing my beliefs onto them? I always find myself second-guessing moments in my spiritual practice. So if you’re like me and dealing with imposter syndrome, feel free to stick around.

The term “imposter syndrome” was originally introduced in the 1970s by Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance. Early research suggests that it only affected successful women but has since been proven to affect anyone. Imposter syndrome has many forms. The five types would be the perfectionist, the superhero, the expert, the natural genius, and the soloist. These are labels based on how imposter syndrome seems to affect your behavior and actions when responding to a certain type of stress.

Imposter Syndrome itself is essentially a type of self-doubt. “I was just lucky. I’m not *that* good at ___. If I don’t understand something immediately, then I’m just dumb.” These are the types of thoughts you may be experiencing with imposter syndrome. It can be a result of pressure from parents growing up, social anxiety, or personality traits even.

This is really baseline information, feel free to check out the sources listed below. Or perhaps search up imposter syndrome on your own.

Imposter syndrome sucks. It’s limiting especially when it comes to spiritual experiences. So these are some things that may help to keep in mind. Things that I try to remind myself of whenever I find myself struggling with my own form of imposter syndrome. Things I will definitely try and understand myself. This is a learning experience for the both of us.

Refuse to let it hold you back

Now this tip I actually snatched from one of the sources I used and I thought it was a good tip to include. This is actually something I try to remind myself of all the time. Often using the idea of “so what if it’s not completely real? I can still learn a valuable lesson from imagination.” This really goes with the fear of whether or not I’m communicating with an actual deity or whether or not I’m making up the entire interaction.

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

Find a routine

I would say this is more of a ‘figure out your belief system and stick to it’. If you’re one of those people who say ‘Once is an accident, Twice is a coincidence, and three's a pattern” then stick to that ideology. Limit the amount of doubt that can grow in your mind by sticking to a pattern. Shuffle your cards the same way every time if you need to. But if you need to do things a specific way in order to lessen that imposter syndrome, there’s nothing wrong with that!

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

SPG is good validation

Personally, I wouldn’t say to stick only to SPG when doing things, especially if you do spirit or deity work. UPG is nice, everyone’s practice is their own and everyone’s relationships are different. But if you’re like me and constantly doubting every little thing then try and find things from your experience that count as SPG. BUT don’t limit everything to whether it’s SPG or not. Use it as a building block to gain that confidence.

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

Stop comparing

Another good tip snatched from an outside source rather than my own thoughts. Although this is also where things get tricky. See in my last tip I say that SPG is good. Reach out to other members about their experiences with a deity but do not completely compare your experiences with theirs. Their relationship with a deity will be completely different from yours, so while you may be able to have some shared experiences with other members, remember that your relationship is your own and everything will not be the same.

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

Check and Re-check

It’s always a good idea to double-check things. Sources are one thing that should be double-checked. But if you’re unsure on whether or not something is actually a sign or if something is the correct message, there are tools that are there to help. Confirm things with tarot or a pendulum. Ask for a very specific sign to be sent if you need. Even confirm things with other people through readings maybe.

❦ ════ •⊰❂⊱• ════ ❦

Trust in your intuition

Yes, this is probably the hardest thing to do with imposter syndrome. I am certainly yelled at by my friend to remember this all the time so this is me ‘yelling’ at you all about this. So let me ask…do things feel right? How are you feeling about the experience? Does it feel right? Comfortable, in a sense? Is this the situation actually wrong or is it just your anxiety speaking? If you’ve done things a certain way…then there’s no reason to doubt the results. Trust in yourself.

As mentioned multiple times before, imposter syndrome really does suck. But these are some tips that could be helpful. Of course, you do not have to take any of these to heart or take them very seriously. And if you have any suggestions of your own, please feel free to drop them in the comments!

https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-415646

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/imposter-syndrome#overcoming-it

[beelcifer7]

My blog about sexualities😊

The world has grown and evolved and in some parts got really better just like letting gay people have more rights to be themselves and finally be open and proud of their pride. It's quite hard to really open up and talk loudly about my sexuality but over time I've come more and more comfortable to my friends about it.

I've never really thought of my self being gay and having a crush on the same gender not to mention my own best friend, at first it's always the denial stage I mean come one even though you are not gay if someone tells you or you yourself doubt your sexuality of course your you'll deny it cause you'll think of it as maybe disgusting or just hard to accept. In 2020, when quarantine was starting I was busy minding my own business and isolated, I mean all of us were. and around this time in late 2020 and early 2021, it was February and I was getting bored of men like I didn't know anyone to have a crush on anymore and then after a few moments of staring to the blank white wall I asked my self "how about girls?" And then I went silent again for a few seconds until I considered thinking and maybe figuring myself out and thought of the girls that maybe I have a chance to have a crush on and no one could really pass to my liking until I thought about her, my best friend. She was this innocent, genuine and pure person and she has the same mindset as me, it felt like we were soul sisters, everything about us were the same, and every second that passed by that I was thinking about her, her name and existence felt like home, I felt safe it felt like liked her for a year already. But then reality snapped I was denying I'm not gonna hide that it felt wrong to like her and I maybe had also felt a bit of disgust to those feelings I had and for a short period of time of denying I eventually gave in, I finally got real with my self that I like her.

I'm gay😊 well not like completely cause I still like men. And that's where I found my self being bisexual, I like both genders (haha I don't have to pick) 😆kidding aside I really can't chose one between men and women so why not both, I saw my self got better and better as time passed by and truly accepting who I am and coming out to my trusted friends and also confessing to the girl I loved (I liked her for almost a year). It felt great that I found something on myself that I felt really happy with, I found another part of myself that may be considered bad to others specifically religious people but I don't care that's there belief and I'll just live my life and be happy. And to all of the other people out there that's still in the closet it's fine not to come out just be you 😊 Do what your comfortable with and a reminder there's nothing wrong about being gay🥰.

P.S - I have a boyfriend now but that doesn't mean I no longer like girls (darling that's not how that works okay?😮‍💨)

[lizzybeth1986]

Secret Notes in Library Nooks

A Poem by Hana Lee

I leave little notes inside library books.

You never know who else might

run their fingers over old tomes

searching desperately for answers;

who might trace

crumbling bookspines

to decode just how long it'll take before

their own backs collapse.

People wonder why I bother coming here.

They tell me I'll get prettier copies at the shops:

glittering bookcovers, freshly-minted editions -

pages crisp as new money -

their barely-dried ink gleaming.

All the latest ones smell like a bouquet.

I tell them there's a magic in

standing in a faded nook

that has borne the weight of hundreds of people

over hundreds of years.

In breathing in that familiar

almond-vanilla-fading-wildflower scent,

in feeling the speckles that mildew has left behind

on a page printed way before

my ancestors were born.

Each time I touch a book here

I know I'm pressing my palm

against the pulse of history.

Not just its own

but the homespun histories

of every person who read it before me.

The children who lost interest midway

but made this page a springboard

for their own creations:

these scribbled unicorns at frayed edges will be preserved

long after their wizened fingers have lost

their strength to move.

The student who scattered question marks

and detailed doubts

over the landscape of a thousand-page story.

The man who

wrote his grandmother's recipe

on yellowed notepaper

in cursive script so beautiful it feels like

a sunlit stream flowing over a page,

then left it there,

so I could make myself the most exquisite

challah bread.

And here, here - a long jagged line running across the

eighty-fourth page of a self-help book;

the surface of the tear smooth and shining

from the cellotape they used to seal it,

reminding me that it's never ever too late

to try fixing what you broke.

I come here to run my fingers through annotations of life

on the pages of a fictional tale.

I come here to gaze lovingly over

blemished paper and smeared ink.

To bear witness to

the beauty of imperfection, to

the honest charm of showing your age.

I come here to bear witness to the thoughts

of people I have never met

of people I will barely recognise,

on books I knew more intimately than any childhood friend.

Sometimes I need the reminder

that their magic was never mine alone.

It was meant to be shared.

I know

that when the next person finds themselves

in this secluded nook

and opens this little page

they will find the invisible fingerprints

I have left behind.

And they will know

I left it

for them.

--

A/N: One of Hana's most memorable scenes is the one in the library at Paris, where she gives the MC an insight into her childhood and her love for reading. Reading is one of those rare skills that started out as a necessity but soon evolved into something that gave her comfort and solace. A particularly striking moment was when she confessed to leaving little notes for the next reader, and I find that such a lovely way to engage with a fellow reader 💖📖 I wanted to recreate that moment, but in poetry.

[autetic]

I've noticed that some people seem to believe that I have a kind of unshakable confidence and self-acceptance. Not true, unfortunately. I spend most of my time scared and looking for signs that one day I can convince myself to be a girl. Other times, I'm just thinking that my parents are right and that I'm possessed by a demon. Self-acceptance is rare. There are times when I'm alone, so I look at a man's strong arms on the internet and I think of my own arms, thin and thin but sore after push-ups and I think, "my arms are going to be like this, and I'm going to get top surgery and my jaw will be more square" and then I start having a million fantasies about appearing to be the cutest, cis boyish looking man that everyone would want to date. Yes, I like to think of myself as a man, but it's still hard to think of myself as an adult, so "boy" works. Or young adult. Overall I like a "rapaz", which is a young man in my language. The fact is: acceptance is not a static thing. I know who I am, but I'm always putting it to the test, doubting myself, wanting to be different because it would be more convenient. I just… I'm trying to enjoy every single one of those moments where I can truly accept myself. It's good times.

There's one guy, Jonas Maria, a Brazilian trans activist who said he wasn't sure about being a man for a long time. He took a chance. He had the top surgery without talking to anyone in his family. He does not have an answer on how to know if he is trans or not, and he even has a life and experiences that, to a certain extent, are very similar to a Brazilian butch lesbian, Loiue Ponto. He doesn't know where their experiences diverge, or what sets them apart, he's just one guy. I'm very supportive of that. Even though I can't accept myself and will always have doubts, I don't feel comfortable claiming to be a woman or a girl. I get euphoric saying I'm a man, imagining myself as a boy. Everyone tries to take it from me. Make it look like I've gone crazy. That I am alienated by today's society. I, at least in my lonely moments, will allow myself to be anything, without having to invent a thousand reasons to justify being or not being a man. Also, there's something very comforting about posting here and realizing that other people feel the same way. It reminds me that I'm not alone. I'm not a freak. I didn't make this up. We share all these experiences about gender because it's real.