#and everything else on fb is useless

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know not to jump onto the string of posts that i’ve been seeing about “please learn small talk for the love of god”….. but i think the memes around “all i want is deep talks and REAL conversations. none of this shallow shit anymore. i have to talk about space and existence and everything when i first meet someone” really do rot your brain.

because during my time in UG uni (2015-2018) i was very much on my high horse about needing deep conversations. but following that line of thinking is mostly why i made next to no friends at uni. i was so obsessed with the idea of needing “deep, meaningful and insightful” or whatever the fuck the memes said convos, that i really struggled to build small talk skills about “inane shit” (as per memes) like the weather, sport, the daily mundane hum-drum of life. and also work (but we all know i never worked during uni so this bit doesn’t count for me). i forgot how to ask people what their fave shows were, what their fave music was. hell, even what their fave flavour of coffee was or whatever. y’know, besides all the lame getting to know you ice breaker games at the beginning of each semester…. that tried and always kinda failed at trying to get everyone to build common ground and be friends, i really never asked these types of questions to anyone during undergrad. so obvs, in turn, no one/barely anyone asked them of me outside of icebreaker games. so, it was very isolating and lonely, to say the least.

but when it came to it, i never actually wanted the deep conversations, really. my degree was deep enough, being english and philosophy. so much so, that i didn’t even want to explain things to people (like the symptoms of my stomach tumour- ie constant bouts of nausea and extreme tiredness) which is exactly one (1) of the many, many things that put me off dating for the entirety of uni. i just wanted empty conversations, to keep my mind off of my assignments and the sheer amount of course content that i was trying to avoid for them. i wanted time to stop. to freeze. to slow the fuck down. and god. i just wanted someone to talk to. but lo & behold, fucking dumb ass early 20s me also didn’t want to talk to anyone bc “the conversation isn’t quality and deep”; all because of the amount of time i spent on This Here Hellsite (affectionate)™️ reblogging those bs memes and also liking them on fb. but what fucking early 20something year old actually knows what Quality Conversation™️ is anyway???? lmao. sure asf not me back then. and i’m sure asf not many other early 20somethings would know, either.

but now that i’m finally in a job, i see the importance of small talk. i see how it helps build routine and build connections slowly, but surely. i’m still building friendships at work. but god. it’s so much easier to blab about the shows you’re watching, what you did on the weekend, your fave wine/s, the good places to eat in the city or whatever the fuck else small stuff that you talk about at work.

because holy fuck. if someone had come up to me on my first day in march this year, demanding that “oh hey! we have to talk about quantum physics and the essence of being a solid state of non-celestial being and how that effects the very existence of humanity in the world” or some other weird sounding deep shit, i would have ran straight out of the office. like no joke: what the fuck is up with todd??? because we sure as fuck aren’t in a quantum physics lecture or a philosophy of science or physics lecture that would begin that debate. bc bro. simmer the fuck down and tell me if you like to surf or not. good fucking god. we’ll get to those convos on lunch break, eventually. but not when i barely fucking know you. sweet baby lord jesus.

like don’t get me wrong. yes. we need to have deep conversations with people. but you’re never going to get them if you totally block out and dismiss ALL small talk as “pointless, inane and useless” or “vapid and empty” as opposed to putting “deep conversations about time and the universe and how people meet in the cosmos (not counting vision boards)” on a pedestal…. and trying to paint yourself as a pretentious pseudo-intellectual (i guess) douchebag who only wants to talk about that stuff. because like i said earlier, no one wants to talk about the state of the human race or whatever the fuck the first time they meet someone, really.

(although asking political beliefs and stuff is probs a good idea but that’s a whole other post).

basically my point is: for anyone who is Terminally Online™️ and a Humble Meme Farmer™️ like myself and has had the Internet Brain Rot Worms™️ infiltrate their brain with the “fuck small talk! i have to have deep conversations the moment i meet you!” bullshit….. please try to break free from them. practice small talk in the mirror. practice in the shower or the bath. practice it while you drive yourself around (if you have your licence/a car). practice it in the dark of night in a seance of small talk demons. idek whatever your style is.

just. learn to build small and simple connections with other people with easy things like “what’s your fave colour?” or “what’s your dogs name??” et al. ad infinitum. because for crying out loud. when you really think about it, that’s what all those OG tumblr askbox question posts were all about. small talk. but it’s easier obvs with only a keyboard in front of you, and an imaginary audience. but it’s obvs different in person, where you can’t delete words and screwups. but who the fuck cares???

just get the fuck away from your laptop and actually talk to people in the real world. not just your fellow terminally online meme farmer mutuals on various social media sites. because then you’ll realise that small talk, albeit it being a bit of a pain sometimes, ain’t all that bad….. even for a socially awkward ambivert/introvert infp (like myself- see i’m still ~quirky ✌🏻✨~)…. and is kinda inevitably essential to building stable friendships/relationships…… instead of believing that being deep and meaningful and trying to force The Big Deep 🧐🌊🔮👽🤯™️ on everyone, all the time, is the only way to have good conversations.

[heartfucksmouth]

warmed up frozen blueberries and mashed them, mixed with oatmeal cereal and a little bit of almond milk. breakfast for Aidan!

mashed up black beans, mixed with rice cereal and a bit of formula. dinner for Aidan!

managed to buy 8 more jars of puree to hopefully stretch til WIC kicks in. thankfully he's started some solids so he loves all fruits, and cereal puffs and cheerios, and he can eat chicken and broccoli we cooked for dinner tonight.

the pit in my stomach when I saw we were low on his food and we both are right on money right now and all the bs with ebt... God nothing feels worse than being scared I won't be able to feed my child. me and myles both agreed we would skip meals if it meant having Aidan and Zazu eat. I'm hoping things will work themselves out soon though.

Hip surgery is on for June 13. 2-3 weeks on crutches with minimal weight bearing, then a post-op appointment and PT. I'm not that nervous about the surgery itself, I'm freaking out about having enough help with Aidan and everything else I'm used to being responsible for. it's always tough for me to grapple with feeling useless, I'm a very independent person.... but I straight up have no choice with this surgery! I want myles to feel supported and that it's not all on him (and my mom) so I posted on fb for people to volunteer their time if they can. myles parents say they will help... but they're not very dependable and even when they do help, myles mom often makes us feel like it's an inconvenience. it's just uncomfortable with the tenuous dynamic between us.

his parents are away tonight (and yesterday) and the difference is palpable - in a GOOD way. ww made dinner, played with Aidan, we folded laundry and did dishes, Aidan was asleep by 6ish... all after being in Boston this morning for my appointment. we aren't exhausted or overstimulated and i swear it's bc they aren't here pecking at everything we do. I didn't even get a nap today and I survived the evening and I'm in a good mood besides the main worries I just stated. like, I'm proud of us. it was a busy productive day and we made it through. it's wild how toxic the atmosphere gets with their presence. I just wanna get out of here so we can be our weird neurodivegent selves and get on with daily life.

I also have a tilt table test in August to finally confirm my POTS which will hopefully help my fucjed up blood pressure situation.

I'm really hoping I can rebuild my stamina and strength train once my hip is recovered. I know other surgeries are undoubtedly in my future, but I wanna get fucking strong so hopefully I can give my shitty connective tissue more of a break, and recoveries will be easier. and so I can lift my giant kid a little longer before he's gonna need to start carrying me lol. even going to pelvic floor PT makes me feel good about myself. I can feel my core getting stronger again and that helps e v e r y t h I n g. PT always makes me feel good though, bc i can see the progress and know I'm not hurting myself more.

OK bedtime, I've got more appointments tomorrow hashtag professional patient

[kmp78]

morning K ☕️

2 hours ago TTT fb stories and the lyrics of the song in the first photo (“Passion” by Pink Pantresses. never heard it😂)

Said I had to clear up my head

But tonight, I think I lost the plot instead

I said that I'd be cleared out by three

To the walls, I know they listen to me

The teachers always called it a shame

They say I don't have passion the same

As I did a few years before

They don't see the light there anymore

They call it sad, but they're the outside lookin' in

I mean they can't understand when they all cope with everything

And when I opened my heart, in front of my friends, finally

It was not what I thought, 'cause they're not there anymore

I called my dad, he told me, "There's no room for me"

Down at the house that we had when we were living as a three

Now that my family's gone, almost as far as I can see

I think they love me I'm sure, but they're not there anymore (hey)

(Nah, nah-nah-nah-nah)

Where can I sleep tonight?

(Nah, nah-nah-nah-nah)

I'm breakin' them in half, they always say

I never wanted them to end this way

And now I have to gather all my things

They don't know the problems that I bring

They call it sad, but they're the outside lookin' in

I mean they can't understand when they all cope with everything

And when I opened my heart, in front of my friends, finally

It was not what I thought, 'cause they're not there anymore

she look reunited with the dog 🐶

Good morning! 🥐

I'm not buying her being with the dog... 🤔

First she cried about missing the dog oh so much and now all she posts are a repost from someone else and a useless clip of the dog with a cat, not showing herself or the location... 🤔

[nathank77]

7/26/24

9:29 p.m

Why do girls try to match as friends on fb dating? Yea we are going to start as friends but I'm not pining over you to find out you only see me as a stupid useless friend you can pour all your feelings on to and expect me to be there for you.

That's what annoys me the most about being friends with girls, they expect you to fucking listen and be there for them.

Men just want to game and have fun, sure they talk about their issues but it isn't the whole fucking friendship.

I'm not falling for the trap just bc you're attractive. It's annoying af. Not all men are the same and as a transguy I get friend zoned by 99% of the women I do match with romantically....

What is my definition of the friend zone? Not that you won't have sex with me. Even if Elise showed up at my door fucking single and confessed her love to me and said everything I thought that happened did, girl we aren't making love for like a fucking year. We can kiss and hold hands but sex ain't happening until you prove you won't leave me...bare minimum 6 months to a year! For ANYONE.

The friend zone is girls talking to single guys on dating sites, who are looking and making them their gay best friend.. aka the guy thinks that in a year or so they will be going steady and that it's adding up to a relationship, but it's really just a girl using a guy for emotional support and of course all the money he will inevitably spend on her.

The friend zone is a real thing but it got a bad name cause to most men it means you won't have sex with me. To me it means I'm not even an option and you're using me for emotional support. When girls come to me for emotional support I dip the fuck out. Friends are for fun. For fun. For fun. For fun. Not emotional support. That's why I have no emotional support. It's always so one sided..

Girls expect you to be there for all their problems and then you try to talk and it's I'm sorry that sucks. Fuck off.

My intentions of being on fb dating is to find a girl I find attractive, become friends and slowly build into something that can become marriage.

Maybe they want to start as friends but I mean when a month goes by and I try to hold her hand and she says I only see you as a friend that's why I sent a smiley face not a heart, I'm not going to be that bone head who got swindled into being your emotional support punching bag. Fuck that. All they got to say is I matched with you as a friends. And that's why I won't match back.

Make your intentions clear cause I do. I send a heart not a stupid smiley face.

Friends are cool but I got enough of them. John fullfills all my friendship needs. He is responsive. He tries to talk to me everyday. He has things in common with me. We can game all day. I don't need anyone else. He doesn't even want kids. He will always be avaliable friendship wise and the way I want it.

Sure i want friends to get drunk with and get high with but I can't do those things so John fullfills all my friendships needs. If I could do those things I'd look for chill not transphobic men to hang out with and toss beers back and game together. I don't want to be an emotional support punching bag.

I want to dance and sing and play manhunt and my only intention is to find someone to marry. Like I said John is 1000% all I need in a friend. He doesn't judge me for hallucinating he listens. He is super LGBT friendly and he doesn't punch me to death with his whole life story yet I know his life story bc we share it in a less heavy emotionally intelligent and healthy way.

I don't need a fucking marcy. She's about to be married but I wanted to jump off a Cliff to stop her from talking. I was borderline thinking about taking duct tape and taping her mouth shut. No fucking joke. I was going to fake a small emergency to get her to leave. I don't have the emotional energy for friendships like that.

Not all girls are the same but a lot use men as friends for emotional support, "he listens." I don't i day dream about you shutting up and playing a board game with me and being silly. I'm not listening I don't want to.

If I give you my emotional support then I truly care about you. And it's effort for me when I'm hallucinating all the fucking time. And being taunted by PTSD and ocd. You have no fucking idea.

I wish Katelyn would be real friends with me. But yea.

I used to get along with girls better as friends. That's a change I noticed on testosterone. It is not the case anymore and changed around 5 years on testosterone. I get along better with men. They are less complicated.

Either way I'm fed up with all these beautiful women trying to send friendship my way. Yea I get it I'm not cute enough. But I'm also not stupid. So find someone else to pour your heart out to like a therapist that's where I go.

[thanatoseyes]

No one asked for this.

I keep thinking about my hallucinations. The time I spent in the hospital. They were vivid and visceral. They happened in waves, matching the mood I was in and the delusion my brain entertained at the time.

There are only really about four that I remember correctly. If there are more they are lost to me.

I was sitting alone in a room. I'm honestly not really sure what kind of room it was, but it was in the hospital and it was right next to the nurses' station. I was just staring at the floor. My thoughts flying a mile a minute. I was in danger. I was going to be killed. I was going to die. There were people out to get me. There was something wrong. There was something inside me that needed to get out. I was dying. I was alone. I was everything and nothing at the same time. There was a voice. Two voices. They didn't have their own circadian rhythm. They were just abstract thoughts coalesced at the back of my mind. They told me things. That the hospital wasn't a hospital. That the patients weren't patients. I don't think it helped that the person in the room across from me was strapped to a gurney and screaming about the rapture. So, it wasn't a hospital. It was a chamber for my own destruction. The first voice I'll name FB. He was mischievous and the intent behind him was malicious. He told me lies. Everything he said was a lie. The people in the next room wanted me dead. The nurse that had just entered was chosen. There was a second voice. They were angry, so very angry. A monster really. They made everything worse. I don't know how long I sat there, but I moved to the floor at some point. And these voices FB and the second voice, I'll call them, Nott, these voices taunted me. Made everything I was feeling worse.

The second time, I was in inpatient care. I think it had been at least a week. I couldn't tell time in there. Of course there were screens and clocks in the nurses hub, but whenever I looked at them the screens would flicker or I'd read the date and time and not believe it, so looking at it was useless. I thought I was somewhere else when i was actually there and everyone was someone else. I didn't trust myself and I didn't trust anyone around me. It was like everyone was in a play and they were playing their part. I also don't think it helped that my mother had gifted me two Shakespeare books. (one for tragedies and one for comedies). I'd pick random passages and read them to myself. It was like picking out a needle in a haystack but you knew exactly where the needle was and where it needed to be. They held secret meanings behind the page and the voices liked that. Thrived on my emotions. Inciting turmoil within me. I was so sure that this reality I had found myself had a way out I just hadn't found it yet. But the hallucination. It had to do with everyone playing their part. A certain phrase got stuck in my head. Line of sight. I couldn't figure out what that meant, but it was important. It had something to do with why I was in the hospital. And then it clicked. Someone else outside was trying to kill my roommate in the clinic. She was special and had to be removed. I kept an eye on her and the windows. Made sure she was never in any danger. I think it helped that I never voiced these fears and she was a very kind and open person. She sat down in our doorway. And the voices were quiet. The nurses milled about. The other patients were doing their own thing. And I was shot in her place. There was blood pooling at my stomach. Everything felt cold and wet and I felt my stomach and nothing was there. It freaked me out.

The third time, I had been there about two and a half weeks. Maybe, again time is relative. I wasn't really sleeping and I walked around all day. Everything blended together. I was woken up by a nurse. She insisted I take the pills. She had a heavy accent and her eyes were cold. I'm sure now that she was on the end of her shift and had been putting out fires for most of the night, but I had just woken up and I was afraid. Of what? Well, the new delusion that week was that someone wanted to destroy the building that I was in. I don't know who this mysterious entity was, but they wanted this place gone and me dead. And FB was happy about that and Nott seemed to be indifferent. The nurse shoved a cup of water into my hand and said I needed to take the medicine. I knew at that moment that that wasn't medicine. They were bullets disguised as medicine. Everyone was going to take them and everyone would end up dead. She insisted I take them. So I put them in my mouth but I didn't swallow. I put them under my tongue. She made me open my mouth. She found them. She insisted I take them. And I was so tired. And I just wanted some peace and quiet. So I took the medicine. I felt it slide down my throat thick and impossibly large and cold. I nearly gagged on them but I got them down. I felt sick and nauseous. I lived obviously. And no one died.

The fourth time was near the end of my stay. The voices had all but disappeared. People had shifted around the place. New faces, new nurses. It was a whole new experience which just fucked with my head. I felt like I couldn't really hang on to the delusions. It was all fading. The drugs were probably working. But I still felt off. There wasn't something quite right. The paranoia still sunk in. The ever present otherness of the situation still stuck. Everyone hated me. It was night time. There were people making phone calls, obviously they were discussing events that would happen. Were yet to happen. It was all in the patterns. I was feeling off. Like a part of me wasn't even there. It was somewhere else and it was being tortured and I could feel it everywhere on my person. I was bleeding but I wasn't bleeding. I had to get away but there was nowhere else to go. I sunk to the ground my back against the wall. A nurse came over to check on me. Asked if I was okay, but I couldn't speak. They had cut out my tongue and there was blood everywhere.

Extra content: About a two weeks in I think, I thought I was being tortured and I was horribly disfigured. They had cut off my fingers, in their place was a shadow of a hand mixed with my own flesh. They had cut open my skull, my skin exposed to the elements. It wasn't a fun time.

There's plenty of more memories I could dig up, but here's just a few. I hope this makes someone not feel so alone. It's really the only reason I'm writing this. I just needed to get it out.

Au revoir.

[illgiveyouahint]

I barely use facebook but when I do open it up and see the dash I am once again reminded how hostile social media is nowadays. You scroll like 5 seconds and you already get sponsored posts, suggested posts for you,then a post or two from a friend, and again sponsored post and suggested post and some reels. Like for fucks sake I just want to see what's happening in my friend's life. God I hate it.

[ballsballsbowls]

Hey! Do you have any favorite sources for skincare information. Thank u :)

Firstly, you sent this while I was away for a day or so, I’m really sorry my reply’s a bit late

I have a handful of resources, but admittedly I have some huge blind spots and I’ll list them outright

- I don’t use fb, ig, and barely use youtube for anything. There’s probably some great resources on there that I’ve never encountered

- My resources are pretty limited based on my current needs - my biggest skin “issue” is sensitive skin and a bunch of ingredient allergies, including lavender extract and snail mucin. Because of that, I tend to research specific products as I find out about them rather than keeping track of new products in the pipes or new ingredients

- My area of interest is East Asian skincare, Japanese and Korean about equally, so I don’t know much about Western products at all.

The only person I really follow on tumblr for skincare stuff is @birdkoskincare - she’s got a very robust biochemical background and is in the skincare industry in Europe, and I find her info to be really easy to follow along with regardless of your background. I reblog her stuff moderately often.

I use SkinCarisma and CosDNA about equally for ingredient lookups. SkinCarisma tends to have a little more info and the layout is a little more beginner-friendly, but it’s definitely worth using both, even on the same item

Back in the day, there USED to be a pretty robust search tool for reddit, which has since been abandoned. It makes things more difficult if you’re looking for general info or everything everyone knows about, say, lactic acid. Nowadays it’s more dicey, but there’s a lot of good info if you’re patient.

Asian Beauty and Skincare Addiction are both useful in their own ways. If you’re after Western skincare, the Asian Beauty reddit won’t be much use, but you’ll still see Asian products on it. I don’t spend a ton of time on Skincare Addiction, but they sometimes have more useful/current info on, say, the newest research on topical collagen or a new UVA blocker. Both reddits have a pretty robust resource section for people just getting into skincare, which can be a huge help and was where I learned a ton of info when I was starting out.

Lab Muffin is practically obligatory if you’re discussing skincare resources. I don’t look at her stuff all the time, but she’s a nice, accredited source of info if you need something clarified. She also is active on youtube and ig.

Past that, I don’t have any resources i rely on extensively. My boyfriends will vouch that I can spend a whole afternoon trying to find about a specific sunscreen or toner from every possible angle. I’ll open practically any blog, any resource (even REALLY skeevy resources like western beauty magazines) and sort of aggregate the data from 5 different places.

The unglamorous truth is the bulk of skincare is “look at EVERY SINGLE facewash option on jolse/sephora/whatever and scan the ingredient lists and scan them again in cosdna/skincarisma and scan all the reviews I can find on the internet so you spend 6 hours choosing a facewash”

You didn’t give me any indication if you’re a total beginner or not, so I’ll throw a few basic beginner tips in in case they’re useful to you. If you’re way past this, I apologize.

- You just need to start SOMEWHERE. Face wash is a great place to start and it’s a pretty cheap investment compared to a lot of other products. I did JUST face wash (I am being completely serious) for probably 2 years before I got into anything else.  

- Nobody is going to have ALL the answers. Someone with a PhD in biochemistry can tell you how sunscreen works, but they can’t tell you which sunscreen you need to buy. A random reddit user might have share your oily skin, but they don’t share your haircare routine and their recs might STILL be useless for you. If there was a Grand Poobah of Retinol on the internet, they still might recommend a formulation with an ingredient you’re allergic to. 

- That said, it IS a lot of trial and error. KEEP NOTES about what you buy and how you react. Most of the mistakes I made in my 5ish years of being remotely serious about skincare, I made because I didn’t refer to my notes about which ingredients I can’t use or didn’t recognize the alternate way of listing a known allergen.

- You really do need to start slowly and carefully with one product at a time. It sucks when you’re excited about starting a routine but you will regret it when SOMETHING in the past 2 weeks has given you acne and you have no idea what it is.

- You can honestly spend as much or as little as you want. There’s plenty of people who have developed a super elaborate, super expensive routine. There’s plenty of people who use suncreen, face wash, moisturizer and have no interest in anything else. I’ve barely bought anything this past year, just using stuff I already had, and it’s totally fine. In fact, a slow and measured (AND CHEAP!) approach will serve you better in the long run.

- A product that generates acne on your face might work on your neck or arms. A product that’s too harsh for your face might work on your feet. You WILL strike out at some point with a product no matter how carefully you purchase stuff. Having a plan for using it up if you can will make it less terrible.

- CHECK DATES AND TIMESTAMPS on reviews and posts. Products get reformulated all the time and that product that looks perfect for you may have been reformulated twice since that post was created. That dream product may also be discontinued.

I hope this helps at least a little! If you have more specific questions, I may or may not be able to help (if you skin is oily or you’re acne prone you are SOL as it’s NOT my area of expertise)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #399

“i was raised by the devil’s own kin, taught me that a good time was never a sin”

Do you like wine? NOOOOOOO that shit is gross. Explain the grossest thing that's ever happened to you? Having an infected pilonidal cyst drained. Would you rather go on holiday somewhere warm or somewhere cold? Cold, for sure. What would be your ideal pet? I reeeeaaaally want a very visibly sunset morph ball python one day. The really pretty ones are expensive as fuck, but omg, I want one so badly. What was the last book you were required to read for school? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. It was fantastic. Would you chew somebody else's gum? EW FUCK NO. What was the last type of meat you ate? Chicken. How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. At what age would you allow your kids to dye their hair? Whenever they wanted, as long as a professional did it. Which fast food place do you eat at the most? Probably McDonald's. Bats are not spooky or are they? I adore bats. Do you like the song "Womanizer?" Unabashedly, yes, haha. I love the beat and it's really catchy. Do you know how to change a tire? Nope. How big is your backyard? Very small. What is your favorite Nintendo 64 game? I've actually never played a Nintendo 64. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? I don't want any. Does a career in finance sound interesting to you? Absolutely not. When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I. HATE. Beans. What’s something that makes absolutely zero sense to you? Those that deny the existence of dinosaurs. Fossils don't lie. Do you like strawberry shortcake? No. What’s your favorite dessert? That's so hard, but probably cheesecake. What’s the last you got out of the freezer? Vanilla ice cream. Do you know anybody who is ambidextrous? Sara. Have you ever been 4-wheeling? Yes. Will you be attending any weddings in the near future? No. If you have glasses, have you ever smashed them? No. What was the last thing you got a really good deal on? My APAP mask. Insurance covered it way more than even the women in the office were used to so had to look into it. Insurance has been nice to me lately, from TMS to this. What was the last reason you took medicine? I had a massive headache. Any important birthdays coming up? My older sister's was today, and her eldest daughter's is in two days. Mark's birthday is the 28th, and that's like a holiday in my book lmao. What colour are your headphones? These earplugs are pink. How do you express your creativity? I mostly write RP and rarely poems. I also like to draw sometimes, and I'm big into photography. Gypsies or gnomes? Gypsies. Dragons or fairies? Dragons are my favorite mythological creatures. Elves or pixies? Elves. Where is your favourite place to get breakfast? Maybe Cracker Barrel? Or Waffle House. What was the first sport you learned how to play? I want to say soccer. I hated it. Nickname you’re called the most? "Britt" is the most used. Do you sleep on your stomach? I can't now with my mask. -_- That's how I usually slept. Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes. Would you ever want a super-realistic baby doll? Fuuuuuuuuuck no. I don't like dolls, never mind realistic ones. Ladybugs or bumblebees? Ladybugs. <3 What is the best thing that ever happened to you? My first round of a partial hospitalization program and meeting my psychiatrist. Both that therapy and proper medication is the reason I'm alive. What is something really hurtful someone you love has said to you? That I was an "ungrateful bitch." What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful? One for advanced ball python husbandry. There are some SERIOUS elitists in there, but it does have great information. Did your mom ever own a typewriter? I think she did? We used to have one, so. What would you have your bridesmaids wear? Maybe orange. I want to wear a black dress and get married in the fall, so, Halloween vibes! :') Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? I think Alaska. Do you wear a watch every day? I never do. Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia? No, thankfully. Not yet, anyway. Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I am much happier with pets. Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid? No. Have you been hurt more by friend break-ups or romantic break-ups? Romantic ones. Who is/was the best friend you have ever had? Sara. Do you own a trenchcoat? No, but I wish. They're badass. Name the hardiest piece of technology you own? My iPod that I've had since middle school. That bitch STILL works, and I use it heavily. Are you currently in a smoking environment? No; people aren't allowed to smoke in our house. Have you ever owned a tire swing? No. Does anyone you know own a bird that can talk? My old friend Alex did. I don't know if I can call her my "friend" anymore because I haven't seen or heard from her in well over a year at the bare minimum. Do you ever not speak to someone because you’re afraid you’ll annoy them? STORY OF MY LIFE. Is there any drama going on in your circle of friends? No. But I don't really have a "circle" of friends to begin with. Have you ever lost your luggage at an airport? No. Have you ever been on a rollercoaster that actually scared you? I don't go on rollercoasters. If given the opportunity, would you act in a commercial? No. Do you believe in finders keepers in most situations? No. How many pills do you currently take a day? Ugh... Now keep in mind this number encompasses medications that I just have to take a larger dose of that particular med; I don't take this number of different prescriptions. AS a whole though, I take uhhh. Somewhere around nine or ten in the morning, and six at night. I might be off about my morning pills. What do you take medication for? Bipolarity and depression, anxiety, OCD, severe heartburn, even more intense nightmares, uhhh... maybe I'm forgetting others? Idk, man. I'm on too many. Have you ever had a bag stolen? No. What class from high school did you love the most? Art. What class did you hate the most? Economics. If you don’t have a car, do you wish you did? Not at this very moment, because it'd be useless as I don't currently drive. Have you ever had a job you loved? Nope. What, if anything, do you substitute for fries? I just eat normal fries when they're offered. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? At least twice. Have you been best friends with someone of a different race? Yes. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? I think only my grandmother has done that. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. Have you friended your parents on FB? Mom, yes, while Dad doesn't have one. What do you absolutely have to have to make your birthday feel special? My family. Mice or roaches? I love mice, but roaches creep me out. Have you ever received a gift and truly did not know what it was? Yes. A family friend is good at that. Is there anyone whose grave you visit? No. Do you like being in pictures? NO. Do you travel a lot? Not at all. Have you ever eaten a dog treat? No. I've eaten a guinea pig treat though, haha. And it wasn't awful. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, but turns out my alcohol tolerance is too high while only liking weak alcohol to begin with. Have you played cards recently? No. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't do that, I'd get way too dizzy, and besides, I don't want a headache. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I've been wondering if I should (for the most part) abandon human photography. I've lost so much passion for it, and besides, I feel like I'm going nowhere with it. I know I really, really shouldn't, though. Have you ever captured a moth? I put a caterpillar in one of those little plastic habitats once as a kid that grew into a moth. I then released it, of course. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? It's been months. Do you have a really fat cat? No, he's healthy. Do your initials spell a word? No. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? Yes, that was my favorite! Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multiplication times tables? No. Do your parents allow you to have your privacy? Yes. Have you ever been severely burned? No. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I've had many, actually. Guess with who. What was the weirdest thing you've ever seen cross the road? I want to say a turkey? Or maybe it was beside the road.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

MK-Ultra and the brainwashing grift

If you meet someone who claims to have created a system for controlling other peoples' minds, you know that they are:

a) Delusional;

b) A fraudster; and

c) A sociopath.

This goes for Rasputin, Mesmer, and self-satisfied Big Tech boasters who claim that machine learning deprives of us our free will.

And it DEFINITELY goes for the CIA, whose MK-Ultra plot to perfect mind control was a kind of ghastly running joke.

Writing in Jacobin, Alex de Jong offers a great potted history of MK-Ultra and its architect, the US government chemist Sidney Gottlieb, who, with "rehabilitated" Nazi and Imperial Japanese scientists, performed secret brainwashing experiments.

https://jacobinmag.com/2020/10/cia-brainwashing-program-mk-ultra-sidney-gottlieb/

The article is keyed to the upcoming paperback release of "Poisoner in Chief: Sidney Gottlieb and the CIA Search for Mind Control," Stephen Kinzer's award-winning 2019  book on Gottlieb and his brainwashing experiments.

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250140432

The experiments were genuinely awful: from fogging the San Francisco Bay with bacterial pathogens to dosing suspected spies with stimulants and depressants to extract confessions from them, then secretly murdering them and dumping their bodies.

It all kicked into high gear when Gottlieb encountered LSD, and began nonconsensually dosing Americans with huge amounts of it, starting with prisoners in an Appalachian addiction hospital, then branching out to unwitting research subjects at MIT, Stanford and Johns Hopkins.

Then he hired sex-workers to entrap johns in NYC and SF, luring them to rooms where they were kidnapped and megadosed with acid.

All that is terrible, but what's fascinating about it from a modern perspective isn't merely their immorality, it's their scientific uselessness.

These CIA experiments were undertaken in secret, and they were exploring a hypothesis: is mind-control possible? Did American POWs defect to North Korea because the Soviets had mind-control?

Over and over, the answer these experiments generated was a resounding NO.

Everything they tried to do failed, repeatedly, dismally, and with terrible human costs. And yet, at every turn, the scientists involved - eminent scientists who'd done productive work in the nonsecret world of peer review - kept telling themselves they were succeeding.

And so did their paymasters! The entire operation is an incredible example of how the scientific method - and its transparency and adversarial peer review - are what prevents scientists and funders from falling prey to motivated reasoning.

Everything MK-Ultra did was a radioactively obvious failure, but all these super-smart, powerful people repeatedly talked themselves into viewing their experiments as success.

Their hypothesis ("Is mind control a thing?") was actually a conclusion ("Mind control is definitely a thing, and we have to figure it out"). But as we say in the crypto wars, wanting something badly is not enough.

All of this reminds me so much of Big Data and Big Tech, behavioral ads and behavioral modification. Back when hard drives got cheap and the web got wired for surveillance, the industry concluded, a priori, that with enough data, intentions could be divined... and shaped.

We were presented with this in IPO documents and conference presentations as a fait accompli, rather than as a hypothesis. The companies attracted vast amounts of capital and built vast surveillance and analysis systems.

For many of us, the existence of these systems was proof that they were onto something: "No one would fund this if it wasn't producing." Advertisers flocked to behavioral ads because they were convinced on this basis that they must work.

The ad industry's most successful product, of course, is itself: its ability to convince advertisers that it will spend its money wisely and multiply it through scientifically proven marketing techniques.

Just as the CIA's most successful product wasn't mind-control, it was the IDEA of mind-control, which excited the congressjerks who held their purse-strings.

And, like Gottlieb, the ad-tech industry performed nonconsensual human experiments. Remember back in 2012, when Facebook dosed 61,000,000 unsuspecting users with messages that were supposed to get them to vote?

https://www.nature.com/news/facebook-experiment-boosts-us-voter-turnout-1.11401

And, like Gottlieb, they trumpeted this as a success! Those 61,000,000 interventions yielded an additional 60,000 votes - that is, a little less than A TENTH OF A PERCENT of people who received the dose changed their behavior in a tiny way. SUCCESS!

Some people look at this experiment and recoil in horror at the thought that Facebook has perfected a mind-control ray. I look at it and think, well, the first time you exposed 61m people to a tactic, 0.1% of them responded.

Many of those people will become inured with repeat exposure, so mostly what this shows is that FB is really bad at doing what they charge people money for: influencing its users' behavior.

But it also shows something else: that FB are monsters.

Because anyone who TRIES to build a mind-control ray is a sociopath. Anyone who funds a mind-control ray is a sociopath. Anyone who invests in a mind-control ray is a sociopath. Trying to make mind-control a thing disqualifies you from participating in decent society.

But working in secret to do impossible, wicked things doesn't mean you'll succeed. It means you'll probably end up kidding yourself, even as you fail and fail and fail.

That doesn't make you harmless. Gottlieb and FB both destroyed the lives they touched.

But it means we should address you as a sociopathic fraudster who got high on your own supply - not as a supergenius whose secret invention puts the future of human free will at risk.

The only people these evil clowns really manage to brainwash is themselves and the people who pay their bills. Everyone else, they merely torture.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

okay i tried not to write a post about this but anyway here we go. so last night, on my fb watch feed, i decided to watch this irritating entrepreneur girl who was easily like 22 or so, try to give life advice about “how to be an entrepreneur!!” and “how to be rich like me by 22!!!” here’s some of the worst advice she had:

(1.) every millionaire/billionaire has several streams of income. for example i have my music/YT channel, my 8 businesses, my sponsorship deals, my several online classes that i teach on how to become a millionaire by 22!!! my upcoming ventures and art!!! my house, the condo that i rent out and stocks!!! so all up i have about 7 streams of income and if you don’t have my mindset you’re just weak and will never survive in this world 😊!

(2.) always work for free!!! bc you’re useless without experience. for example most of my first YT videos i did with brands were done for free. always take free/unpaid internships or work experience, and don’t think you have to get paid for everything!! get off of your high horse of self righteousness and work like a minion for free to build your portfolio so people will learn to take you seriously!!! because if you always expect to get paid, no one will take you seriously even with a portfolio. (remember: all of this will make you humble for your forced efforts of labour and capital! be grateful that they even took you on 😊!)

(3.) remember we all have the same 24 hours in a day as beyoncé!!! remember it’s all in your mindset!!! use all 24 hours to constantly level up. always believe in the laws of attraction so always have vision boards ready!!!

(4.) ok not to stop being cutesy and feel good (😊🥰) but always have a great therapist and life coach on hand when your mental health goes down hill!!! trust me, i used to be like “i’m all happy go lucky all the time!!! i’m a ray of sunlight!!” but y’all i was lying and i know y’all are too!! always have a therapist/life coach to get you away from your negative thought spirals!!!

(5.) any friend who doesn’t support your streams of income or your business goals which should always involve girlbossing far too close to the sun… cut them out *snip snip* of your life…. so that you can afford the cutting out of toxic and unsupportive people out of your life to only have unwavering support always in your circle! just have a completely relentless drive to build income for yourself!!! no matter how many bridges you burn and friends you sever from your immediate circle!!!

and there was so much else. but good god. it was just awful and i have no idea why i thought it was a good idea to watch this train wreck of a money advice video from an already rich and overly privileged early 20 something YTer. and luckily no one was taking her advice seriously…. since she was so young and was SO VERY OBVIOUSLY coming from a place of immense privilege and comfort. like ok. the therapist advice is good advice, if only therapy was actually affordable to everyone in the US (bc yes this girl was american). but even as an aussie, therapy isn’t that affordable either, and especially while job-searching on the aussie job seeking social security payment. my old therapist has closed her books bc of the pandemic, and i’m kind of like iffy i guess with the idea of therapist trialling/shopping, besides the point that i actually don’t have much time or money for it either.

like obvs i am defs not her target audience, being poor and all. but like what the fuck. who the fuck wants to waste their time with 7 streams of income and just caring about business ventures and always severing friends who “don’t serve you and your dreams and business visions” at every step of the way???? what a fucking atrocious way to live your life: only relentlessly caring about how much money you make every second of the day at such a young age. bc like this girl is 21 or 22… where the fuck are her breaks from all her supposed “work” and “business ventures” and “streams of income” and her “mindset”???? what the fuck.

bc where the fuck are her friends for fun and frivolous brunch dates??? for deep talks and heartfelt shit when or if her life goes up in flames or ends up in tatters after one (1) wrong social media move that gets her cancelled forever???? because let me tell you now, josie, it sure as fuck won’t be your precious buddy-buddy business opportunist/venture capitalist sponsors and investors. bc they’ll all drop you like a fucking hot potato if you do something terrible or slip up even the tiniest bit. bc no one wants to clean up that PR etc nightmare.

i liked that everyone was calling her incredibly short sighted and clueless in the comments on the video, in regards to her comments about “always work for free to build your resume and to prove yourself as worthy to everyone!“ and the dreaded bullshit of “we all have the same 24 hours in a day, so what on earth is stopping you from having 10 streams of income and working yourself to death????” oh that’s right! your mindset! if you always have a bad mindset of “i’ll never achieve anything feel sorry for me and my business dreams!” you don’t deserve to be successful. and that’s that! stop lying to yourself and making excuses for yourself and your mindset will improve!!!” i love how everyone in the comments was pointing out that this sounds/sounded incredibly MLM-y/ish. bc this is the exact type of toxic bullshit that people say MLM people use to pull them into selling their snake oil bullshit.

like. i absolutely will not work for free josie. no one should be expected to do that now in a global pandemic. i deserve pay for wasting my time doing a spreadsheet for a boutique marketing firm in sydney during an internship, no matter how long it is. or if it’s not something in marketing, i deserve to get paid a full fair wage for working in retail or food, since apparently that’s all i’m good for, even with a marketing advanced diploma and 2 degrees but no “solid professional job experience”. i do not want your absolutely bullshit mindset advice in your completely and utterly vapid and self-aggrandising courses about “how to be a millionaire/billionaire by 21 💸💵💰💳💲💲🤑🤑🤩👸🏻💎!!” when i know that you’re probably already from some type of very privileged background anyway, being a spoilt YTer already. i am NOT making excuses for wanting to be treated fairly and paid accordingly. and nor is anyone else today, in the hellscape that is the “competitive job market”, no matter what country you live in and also the pandemic et al.

also, for everyone who has to pay rent and pay gas/electricity and water etc etc etc bills, how the fuck are they going to pay for all of that if “oh work for free and for vibes and proper mindset building!”….. all of which don’t pay fucking jack shit in real life. vision boards only work for rich people who can then claim it was “the attraction pull of the universe and fate and manifest destiny!” instead of them realistically paying hundreds if not thousands or millions of dollars for sponsorship deals by negotiating contracts or whatever else. the “universe” and “fate” barely ever work in favour of the working class and the poor. bc no law of attraction is going to give me a paid traineeship, all because i manifested my destiny onto some shitty but aesthetically pleasing vision board with inspirational quotes on my bedroom wall. btw how the hell are you paying the rent and bills on your house and your rented out condo???? because i’m sure as fuck that it isn’t through manifest destiny and the universe aligning correctly with your specific business goals, is it??? it’s either your parents money or possibly yours.

she did have an obvious piece of advice that you see all the time, of “have a savings only acc that you can’t touch to really save your money!” but as i said above, when the cost of living is going up globally because of the pandemic, how the fuck is anyone able to save money anyway???? like i’m even finding it hard living at home on social security (given my pay is only $630 a fortnight, and this girl was talking like apparently $20,000 a month from her “7 streams of income” or some shit- so that’s already VASTLY out of touch with everyone in the comments watching the video). but also, as mentioned above, josie, how the fuck am i meant to save money if you’re spinning the bs of “always work for free!”…. like are my savings coming from my vision board???? from the severed ties of all the friends (or haters) that don’t support my streams of income and “girlboss goals”??? from my stupidly expensive life coach from linkedin???

just. it was one of the worst things i’ve ever watched tbh. and it shows just how incredibly fucking toxic hustle/grind/productivity culture along with toxic positivity and the bs spiels about vision boards and “manifest destiny” are to these grind all day people; but also to society at large. because why the fuck don’t i deserve a rest and friends that are for silly or frivolous things??? because who the fuck will be around when i have my inevitable mental breakdown and burnout bc i overwork myself every day of my life??? just my therapist??? wow that’s helpful. when i only see them once a week or a month or even once every few months, bc they’re regularly booked out.

and what about the people who can’t get access to therapists bc they’ve shut their books bc of the influx of patients during the…. uh *checks smudged writing on hand* worldwide pandemic??? what then, josie??? what then??? bc i don’t care how much of a “lone wolf *insert myers briggs personality type here*” or “over-competitive anal perfectionist” you are, or someone else is, josie. because you (or someone else) NEED/S REAL FRIENDS FOR REAL LIFE PROBLEMS. not just girlboss business besties and your therapist/life coach in your little “girlboss bitch queen pack ✌🏻🙌🏻👍🏻💪🏻👏🏻✨✨💃🏻💅🏻👩🏻‍💻👩🏻‍💼📈” social media and real life echo chamber, as if you’re like a mean girls regina george social media business maven/guru.

and also, why does everything have to apparently judged by my constant output for income??? what the actual fuck. i am not a machine josie (whatever the fuck her name was i don’t care). i will not sever ties with friends bc some bullshit concept of manifest destiny and my vision board for 10 businesses that i must have by like 25 told me so.

okay yeah, as part of the generation who watched way too many eps of teen cribs/cribs on mtv and way too much E! celeb channel bc of the kardashians (*cough, cough; nudge, nudge; wink, wink* kylie jenner is a self made billionaire *repeat above*), i DID want to be a millionaire or just generally rich when i was a kid. but holy fucking hell. if being rich means only having friends that continually serve your business needs and vision boards and “always work for free because you’re spoilt rotten if you think you deserve any compensation for your time and work, most especially when you’re starting out!” then count me the fuck out, actually.

[wolfrunner25]

Those days...

Do you ever have those days when you feel that your life has been a waste of space? Where you feel like everything you’ve done is just wrong? Like you are wasting the very oxygen you are breathing? I feel like that sometimes. I feel like my 55 years here on this earth has been a waste of time, money and resources.

I guess that is just my depression talking. I try and ignore that or tell it to shut the f up but that doesn’t always work. You see I have PTSD, depression, and anxiety. (please do not thank me for my service. I have never had the honor of serving in the military.) And its a little annoying that I have to put that qualifier, that I am not a veteran. Because everyone thinks that if you have PTSD you are a vet. I unfortunately got mine in a more old fashioned way which I probably won’t go into here. (Also please don’t think I’m making light of any veteran who has it because I so am not. It’s just the trauma they endured is very different then mine. I would never assume to know what they have been through just like you shouldn’t assume mine.)

You know, I wouldn’t wish PTSD on anyone. Not even someone I hate. It sucks. It sucks so hard. Its so hard to deal with at times. I wish I could afford to go back into therapy. It helps so much. But without health insurance there is no way I can afford that. I can’t even go to the doctor if I need to. If I get covid and its a bad case of it, I’ll likely die right here alone in my apartment because I can’t go get help. 

So I sit here and my mind wanders to thinking about what a waste I am or what a waste my life has been. But I saw a thing on FB that said, “Ultra-Independence is a trauma response.” Well, that’s so true. So I read what the poster wrote about that was with the pic. “Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. “ Yup, that’s me. “You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point. Ultra-independence is a *trust issue.” Yup, I’m feeling this. Then the poster said;

“Ultra-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is vulnerability.

“Never again,” you vowed.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.”

Well now, who just climbed into my head and started reading my thoughts and feelings? I feel like my therapy (Back when I had it) was just getting to a point where I could break though these feelings. Now however I feel like I have fallen back into those same bad habits I had before therapy. So now I’m back to feeling useless and taking up space better suited to someone else who has more promise in their life.

[butterflyinthewell]

I had a violent meltdown last night because my mom burst into my room and told me I had to update dad’s medication list RIGHT THEN. (My computer was off, so I had to boot it up.) I was watching a livestream on my iPad that I waited all day for and had to bail out of it over this shit.

Dad has DBS probes in his brain and the battery packs are in his chest. He has to get them replaced via surgery every few years. It’s minor outpatient stuff, no big deal. He goes to pre-op tomorrow. Well, mom had all week to throw this damn medicine list at me, and she chooses the night before pre-op to do it.

I was livid. I let her know I was pissed and that she had all week to do this, but she chose the middle of something I waited all day for to come in and demand I do it RIGHT THAT SECOND. I do not respond well to sudden demands and pressure like that. She knows this. Okay, she didn’t know I was watching a livestream, but I said I was busy and could do it later, and was told NO, NOW.

The medicine list is important. I get that. But I am always made to feel that everybody else’s shit is important and my shit is always silly unimportant stuff with no meaning to anybody but me. Even things that would be considered important if it was somebody else’s is treated as unimportant when it’s ME.

I fixed the damn list. Then it turns out I did it wrong the first time because I didn’t see something had been crossed off and that’s where I lost my shit. 

I was screaming and swearing and throwing papers around the kitchen, so that’s when I got the hell out of there and went to my room because I was going to break dishes if I didn’t. I slammed the door, kicked it several times and paced around and that’s about when I turned on the camera to record this fucking useless nightmare of a thing I become when I have meltdowns.

I get horrible looping thoughts when I have meltdowns. Sometimes they are “I wish I would die right now” and other times they are “I hope this fucking planet burns up and takes me with it.” They’re thoughts I have because I want everything to stop. I wish I could freeze time. I want everything to stop so I can calm my worthless ass down. A meltdown feels like dying, and then it’s every emotion ever coming up at once in a wave of metaphorical emotional puke spewing forth from my limbic system. Fun times, NOT.

I didn’t leave my room again last night except to give my mom the correctly fixed list and to use the bathroom before going to bed later on. I got on fb messenger to tell @donnywinter I was sorry for bailing on his livestream and he talked me out of the spiral I was going into. He isn’t autistic, but he can understand the spiraling thoughts because he deals with depression and experiences similar thoughts. We both gave those feelings words. I said it feels like becoming empty and he said it’s like being swallowed by hollowness. (We’re both poets, so sometimes we say creative stuff like that to each other.) He helped me not hate myself all night, so I didn’t go to bed wishing I never existed.

Now, cue this morning.

Dad tried to give me shit this morning. He said he wanted to “talk” about it, but I knew he was going to give me his same tired shit he always gives me after meltdowns. It went as predicted-- he tried to tell me how my emotions make him feel bad and how I’m embarrassing and need to stop that. It’s all about how my feelings make him feel, and never mind why I feel that way or how much pain I’m in. He was upset with me for yelling “fuck” so much. I laughed at him and said “Dad, I learned that swearing when you’re stressed is actually healthier. I don’t say fuck outside of the house.”

He tried to tell me that kind of language isn’t okay when he talks like a fucking sailor when he’s mad, so I called him on his bullshit hypocrisy and swore a whole lot while doing so. I didn’t cuss him out specifically, I just used, as Spock once said, a lot of colorful metaphors.

I told dad I’m going to therapy to deal with my anger because it’s so bad I can’t handle it alone anymore. I was too much of a fucking coward to say he was the reason I need it, but now he knows why I “go to the doctor” once a month. I told him it’s probably going to get worse before it gets any better because I’m still learning how to deal with it.

But the fact remains that he cares more about how my feelings make him feel than how and why I’m feeling something. As long as it doesn’t embarrass him or cause him discomfort, it’s fine. As soon as he feels a little bit uncomfortable, oh no no, Cyndi stop that, don’t get mad, don’t feel that way, you’re not really that upset, you get upset over everything, that’s not important enough to get mad about, oh honey give it a rest, that’s enough, stop it, nobody wants to be around you when you’re like that, this is why people don’t like you, this is why I have to be hard on you, get over it kid, I say this because I love you, that’s not how ladies talk, nobody is going to listen if you yell like that all the time, nobody else on the planet acts like this, stop being a fucking baby...

That’s my life. My feelings don’t matter to him as much as his own feelings about my feelings. Fuck that noise.

I walked away from him and said, “I got nothing to say to you.”

Our talk lasted all of 2 minutes because I shut it the fuck down. He’s usually the one who shuts me down, so I turned his own bullshit back on him. He can stew in it for all I care.

[nathank77]

4/21/24

12:44 a.m

Okay so I looked into fb privacy setting and I don't think fb is fucking with me. You can directly control posts youre tagged in being hidden from your profile/being public. You can view for everyone.

Appearantly my main profile is very exposing and I have some privacy settings to set cause you don't even have to friend me to see almost everything which is ridiculous. That's besides the point.

I realize why the post section became empty. It's bc you have to select, "already seen," and, "recent posts." Other than that everything else goes under the person you searches name, kinda like a direct link.

So I'm going to go with this, you're here, you might have feelings for me but regardless of that- you did try to tell me you want me to be apart of your family one day. Now you're withholding doing anything but being that, "post," section was empty for so long and I didn't toggle settings I question a lot of what was there cause there is more. Things that aren't linked.

I don't want to say I'm going here or there and hoping you'll be there. Maybe I'll go to the cbd store around the 14th or something but idk I'll prob just order online. I get percentages off. It's convenient and saves me gas and money in terms of cost.

I only bring up the cbd store cause I don't go places and the towel is thrown in on glasses. I'm not wearing them anymore at least most of the time. Thats the only other activity except community service I'd be doing sometimes that wouldn't be going out of my way to find you. And I did say I'm not going anywhere to find you. I'm going places that make sense to my life. Like I'm going to New Hampshire around May 15th for cigarettes. Market basket in Swanzey. I absolutely don't expect you to be there but that's kinda my point. I'm only going places that make sense financially and is something I actually need to do.

I needed to say I tried with the glasses and I did, it was utter failure.

Idk if you want me to be apart of your family or if you see a drooling lunatic with psychosis

Now at least I know why that, "post," section was empty. I only wish I figured that out days ago.

All I know is I don't believe you'd fuck around with my feelings. I was so mad lens crafters was such a bust and I figured that one post meant we are on to west farms but I guess all I am going to say is:

Idk how you feel about me.

I'm not going to ask for confirmation. I wish you'd post the family photo but you did and it'd been up and down so much so- I will take that as you might one day reach out to me? Or try to find me? Idk..

All I know factually is there is no gray area. You aren't a provider to me or a past therapist and I'll await the day I find you somewhere I post about. Or I see a text from you. You have my number.

That Nathan at the brass mill mall will haunt me forever but my glasses were useless, yet I saw only Spanish people anyways.

I keep thinking of overboard-when the two soulmates swam to eachother. Arturo...

My brain either really wants to hang on to this delusion that you have feelings for me or there are mental messages. I don't believe in mental messages but I don't believe fb is fucking with me either.

What I believe is maybe one day you'll send me a text. Or maybe you'll use my tumblr as a way to find me but as for right now I'm not going anywhere cause I don't need anything.

Maybe I'll do community service to meet women. Idk. Working with kids make me happy but if it feels like a job I'm not doing it and also I'm always stressed anyways.

The southbury tango is off, its pricey and far and yea what's the point? Community services makes more sense. I don't have to pay to do it. I can't afford dance classes.

I hope one day you find me or just message me. I mean I love you so much I just want to be there for you and have a family that loves me. However your happiness means more to me than what I want.

[antriaus]

I suddenly had this desire to write again for you, Tito.

—

“Taga-AWS ka?”

Probably the most stupid and creepy way to start a conversation with someone. Galing. Stalker agad datingan. Hahahaha! That’s how I introduced myself to (let’s call him) Tito. The awkwardness and curiousity would definitely bring you somewhere in the future pala? Lol

I remember this one instance when my bestfriend and I were talking about people we find interesting in our batch. We were in our ChristmasxAcquaintance Batch Party during that time, and Tito was the photographer. So I just pointed at him and told my bestfriend how I find him interesting. This guy easily caught my attention on our first day of class. Idk how, but I did notice him. Maybe because he’s chinito? Though, I was in a very happy relationship that time. So that was just a harmless, ‘crush.’ Kebs lang, di naman kami close nun.

Tbh, idk anything about this guy that time, except his linkedin and FB profile? Hahaha Actually, I did stalk ALL of my batchmates after our grad school admission result was released. I never thought that this guy, wearing a tux with a blue necktie on his cropped display picture that time, would give this much impact in my life today. Wow. That he could make me write a 10 pages (or probably more) phrase about him and on how he made me feel.

—

This blurred picture perfectly depicts how we are today (or how we’ve always been). It seems we’re not ready yet, as we both would say. Or was it an alibi on how we can’t make this easy?

The random moments with you. The first time we talked, even the time you had a taste of my messed up steak, watched a movie, and just had a conversation (even if I felt so messep up). We were really close.

Conversations. We had lots of these. Always a good talk with you. The twisted, complex, or complicated arguments/claims almost about anything. Raw and unfiltered topics that made us vulnerable, facts and figures that show how nerd you are, and feelings that represent my sensitivity at times. It amazes me that knowing you also made me learn a lot. Like a lot. Great part of this was our Grab rides to school, as we sometimes curse how expensive it is. But I’d never had it in any other way. It was something.

You’re unique. We all are. But I can’t associate any other patterns with you. You’re completely different and it’s interesting.

You’re intelligent. How sexy is that? It turns me on to just know how smart you are. Like if circumstance allowed, I would brag you to everyone. The modest and lowkey guy I know is a consistent valedictorian both in elementary and highschool; who also won a regional-level in MTAP; who was a representative of their school to almost all of the academic contests; who can be tapped unexpectedly for a competition and would still win even if he’s unprepared; and who could pass UPCAT and get a quota course, ECE, in Diliman effortlessly. N2 passer for Japanese Language Proficiency Test. A senior software developer/lead. Practical and prudent with a firm principles and values in life. What else? Yabang noh? Pero lowkey lang sya. He’s really something.

You’re matured. Our 7+ years age gap made sense given the level of understanding on how we perceive things. You’re way ahead of me and it didn’t bother me. Your experiences made you this. Introversion suits you well, as you established everything at your own pace. Maybe that’s why I still don’t get you sometimes. There are times that I feel stupid and reckless, but you’re there to slap the truth hard on my face.

You’re gentle, loving, sweet, practical, and independent. Just typing this makes my heart flutter and makes me teary-eyed. Hahaha maybe I’m just overwhelmed with so much feelings for you that I can’t directly express right now, except to write something? You made me feel special, and it’s amazing:

• The first time I went and tried Mercato with you.

• Our random breakfast together, mostly comprised of sausage mcmuffin/platter.

• How we end up spending our whole day going around Market2x for window shopping, but more of you showing me your fave shops & little discoveries.

• Random lunch/meryenda/dinner dates. KFC, milktea, pizza, potpots, and etc.

• Made me explore Manila on my 25th birthday and got caught by my dad unexpectedly. Lol

• Brought me to an unli-steak restaurant in SM MOA, and explored the perya nearby.

• Went to a roadtrip in Tagaytay right after you arrived from Marinduque.

• Braving the traffic and public transpo from Buendia just to get to Nasugbu, Batangas for our weekend getaway in Pico de Loro Resort.

• Random calls even if you’re miles away. SFO-Manila. How you were coping with routines (laundry, gym, random walks to find bars or just familiarizing SFO streets) and would find it amusing.

• Wanting to see me even after your 12 to 14-hour exhausting flight from SFO. Bringing me your cute shot-latte and chocolates as pasalubong. But you’re the biggest pasalubong, I missed you.

• Reviewing together for our comprehensive exam even if we’re too busy.

• Went to an expensive (napasubo kasi HAHA sorry na!) unli-steak dinner at Westgate, Alabang and showed you where we live. Lol

• How you would offer giving me a ride to school.

• The random P2P rides with you and more of Rodics cravings.

• How you would always remind me to stop believing in MBTI. Not limited to that, you’re always there to remind me and help me out anytime. (This is making me cry. I’m touched.)

• Remembering how I love tapa. Or even helping me out with my cravings.

• How we would both hate having to deal with useless groupmates in class. Hahaha

• Your awkward hugs.

• The sweetest thing you could say to someone (even to your mom) is simply “mwah.”

• Your subtle and korni sweetness. “Me: Ano bang gusto mo?” Tito: “You” And I would still not get it even how many times you do this. Hahaha

and a lot more..

You’re not the most affectionate person I know. We both lack words of affirmation. Nonetheless, all the time I’ve spent trying to understand your love language was worth it. All of it.

I do have feelings for you, I can’t deny that. I’m not even sure why we keep on running in circles. I’ve always been expressive and vocal on how I feel for you. But I still can’t understand the gap.

Was I not enough? Are my assumptions too much? Or were you not clear enough?

Idk. It breaks my heart. Maybe, I stopped caring knowing more about it. Or that’s just it.

—

Dati, nag-post ako about real love.

Pero ngayon, mas naintindihan kong basta kapag nag-mahal ka, kahit walang kapalit, okay na.

Kahit sa tingin mo parang sobra ka at kulang sya, pero so-sobrahan mo pa kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Masaktan ka man, paulit ulit ulit, mag-mukha ka pang tanga minsan, papalipasin mo sa huli, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit itaga mo sa utak mong di ka affected, pero konting ganap lang, sobrang bilis ng impact, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na sobrang pagod ka na, iniyak mo na nga, pinag-dasal mo pa, tuloy ka pa din na parang wala lang, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na hindi man maintindihan ung love language mo, or kulang na sya sa love deposit na alam mong magpapasaya sayo, tatanggapin mo na lang, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na hindi ka araw-araw kausapin, or kamustahin kahit na gusto mo syang kasama lagi, dahil ayaw mo lang matawag na needy or clingy kasi ayaw nya ng ganun, papalipasin mo, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na nakita mo na worst nya at yung trato nya sayo at some circumstance tapos alam mong ayaw mo nun, pero tatanggapin mo, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na ilang beses i-seen, or i-ignore messages/calls mo, tapos tuloy ka pa din sa pagm-message kahit ang sakit sakit sakit na, naisip mo pang mag sulat at alalahanin sya, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na natitiis nyang wag kang kausapin for 1 week+, at kahit alam mong kung mahalaga ka sa isang tao, maglalaan at maglalaan ng oras yan kahit di obligado at gaano pa ka-busy, pero wala iniitindi mo pa din, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit ilang beses mo na iniyakan si Lord para sa sagot kung bakit ganito ka-unclear ung between sa inyong dalawa at sobrang toxic na sa puso mo yung setup, pero kahit taliwas ung sagot ni Lord, lumalaban ka pa din, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Or kahit na hindi naman kayo at hindi klaro, binigay mo pa lahat lahat kahit maling mali sa prinsipyo mo, at sobrang risky ng uncertainties, pero sumusugal ka pa din, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

———

12:50 AM nagsusulat ako about sayo, nago-overthink sa bagay na ikaw lang makakasagot, naghihintay sa di ko malaman kung anong bagay.

Hindi ko maisip kung paano napunta sa ganito ung simpleng pagtalikod sayo (ng walang kamalay-malay) para lang tanungin ka ng “Taga-AWS ka?” at malay ko bang ganito pala kahihinatnan ngayon, pero wala eh, mahal kita.

—

Pero sabi ko na lang kay Lord, tulungan Niya ako. I’ll surrender everything to Him and will obey Him this time.

[thegeminisage]

rebl*g this and die, freaks. anti-holiday tw for uhh anyone who needs that lol

i hate i hate i HATE CHR*STMAS i hate the INSTITUTION OF GIFT GIVING it’s all about CONSUMERISM and PEER PRESSURE

i hate the EXCHANGE OF OBJECTS i hate the HOARDING OF STUFF

i got 10 gifts tonight. of those 10 gifts, i can use and/or like 4 of them. (wet cat food which was actually a gift for gracie lol, a gift card, new sheets bc mine are the wrong size, and a new office chair). those things are really nice gifts and i’m grateful! especially the office chair because mine BROKE recently and they’re expensive and hard to find (my mom and her buddy went halvsies on it)

however this leaves me 6 things i do not want and cannot use...some of them are from my mom, who really DID NOT NEED to get me SO MANY gifts because i only got her 2. (i hate the imbalance of reciprocity because i will never have enough money to get gifts for all the people that give ME gifts.) 1 of them is from my mom’s buddy. so that’s all stuff i can’t even resell at the flea market because they’d see them and get their feelings hurt and the house is already so full of stuff we don’t need or use that we can’t even have company over and every year my mom cries about how ashamed of it she is and EVERY YEAR WE ACCUMULATE MORE STUFF and i have to be polite! i have to pretend i want the stuff!

and the gifts i got that i don’t want and can’t use came from people i only see twice ever, on thanksgiving and christmas, and i barely know them, and they barely know me, and actually i don’t even LIKE some of them (and they don’t like me - got into it on FB once before i stopped visiting that site permanently). 

and then we have to give the stuff! to everyone! we don’t have any money but every year at christmas we have to put together gifts for LITERALLY dozens of people - flea market people, family people, nursing home buddy people, friend circle a, friend circle b, etc etc etc

we spend all this time putting together stuff that’s either cheaply-bought & easily mass-produced (like mugs with hot chocolate) that I KNOW NOBODY ACTUALLY WANTS or stuff that we can’t really afford - my brother and i frequently get up to $100+ bucks worth of christmas gifts - again, most of which i don’t want and can’t use and which my mother CANNOT AFFORD TO GIVE US - because “it’s christmas” and we have to have a mountain of presents. THAT IS JUST CONSUMERISM

and my mother can never EVER put together that many gifts on time. NEVER. i am ALWAYS the one helping her do it. in the MIDDLE of winter when i don’t want to do anything but die, basically! for my least favorite holiday! and then when i’m not jumping for joy and excitedly doing the wrapping like santa’s good little fucking helper i get yelled at for having a bad attitude and ruining the holidays!!

and GOD FORBID. that everything isn’t picture-perfect! a speck of dirt on a mug? a crack? okay let’s toss it and get a new one. let’s scrub it. a price sticker? that’s gotta come off, residue and all. no we can’t just partially peel it. no we can’t just color over it with a sharpie

and it’s not just the gifts! i got glared at MULTIPLE times today just for opening my fucking mouth. someone says about my aunt’s dog: “aw, she’s a good dog.” me, jokingly: “good and spoiled!” and then i get the death glare. literally no one, NO ONE, was offended except my mother, not even my aunt herself, who is notoriously easily offended. i shit talk my own cats all the time! it wasn’t that big of a deal! i didn’t call anybody racist or anything! tried to tell my aunt how i found the old pictures of her dog as a puppy i got her as her gift and got SHUSHED because my mom thought i was going to inadvertently give away someone else’s gift, as if i don’t have any fucking common sense. she’s just that paranoid! that one little thing! will be ruined!

and then there’s the actual dinner which is a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS to cook, and do the men help? never. they do good to carry the food to the table when it’s finished. they don’t help cook, they don’t help clean, they don’t even pay for the fucking groceries. they sit and watch tv!!! they talk shit about minorities and homeless people!!!!! and if i say anything then I AM THE ONE RUINING CHRISTMAS

and nobody in my family is even EXCITED OR GRATEFUL we’re all just a bunch of ASSHOLES?? so last night we spent an hour gift wrapping ten different blankets and labeling them with what color they were and today everyone picked a blanket and nobody was really excited about it. blankets are boring gifts you give to people who you don’t know well! so that whole hour was spent for 5 minutes of mediocre graditude! like what is even the point! yk at least when i get useless stuff i don’t need i give it my best college try at being 

and when my mom asks me! why do you hate christmas! and i try to explain that i hate the institution of gift-giving! when i’m like, i don’t like it, it’s exhausting and expensive! she’s like well the whole point of christmas is the spirit of giving!! and [GAMESHOW BUZZER SOUND] W R O N G ! the point of christmas is CAPITALISM and PEER PRESSURE and PERFECTIONISM this shit ain’t about jesus even i, an atheist, knows that jesus would weep to see how shallow and false his bday bash is every year

and i have stayed up late MULTIPLE nights in a row wrangling GIFTS, some of which are for people i’ve never even MET, all because my mother likes to bite off more than she can chew EVERY YEAR. she has like a basket of lollipops she wants to give out at the local nursing home and she went through THREE BASKETS so that the arrangement of lollipops would be pretty. she re-wrapped my SIL’s gift because it was ugly. it doesn’t matter if she’s tired and her arthritis is killing her and she’s past her bedtime she will not stop until all the gifts look like they came from martha stewart or some shit! and they are just! going to get ripped up!

and we didn’t even have time to play giant jenga today which is the ONLY acceptable chr*stmas activity and we probably won’t have time to play tomorrow either!!!!!!!!!! stupid! the whole thing is stupid! i hate mass gift-giving! birthdays only! BIRTHDAYS ONLY. only specific people should be getting gifts at a time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHR*STMAS IS STUPID IT IS LITERALLY THE WORST HOLIDAY AND IT LASTS FOR TWO MONTHS E V E R Y Y E A R BECAUSE GOD HATES ME PERSONALLY I GUESS chr*stmas being the longest holiday and also set in the winter is my punishment from god for being an atheist and frankly @ god fuck you too pal

[prorevenge]

A social media marketing agency fires me while being sick without any notice or explanation.

I worked for a social media marketing company. I'd been there almost a year and hadn't used any of my 14 paid days off. I was the only contract worker, but I didn't complain. The money was ok, paid the bills, and my degree was not in business.

It's Saturday. I got from a whole day of running errands, it was raining and nasty, I was wet and cold, I felt sick. I emailed to my team and HR that I'm feeling sick and will be updating them. I felt it's important because there was a big pitch the whole agency was bending over. On Sunday, I felt it in my bones. I wrote another email. I didn't want anyone else to get sick before the pitch. Monday morning I was pouring gallons of shit water from my ass. I threw up twice, couldn't eat, couldn't swallow even water, couldn't sleep, couldn't move, no health insurance. I sent another email on Monday saying I feel worse, sent what I was able to finish to my manager and the team and wished luck with the pitch.

It was strange that this time I didn't get any, "get better," "sorry to hear that," etc. I was so sick I wasn't thinking too deeply about it though and decided to mindlessly binge on Netflix. Tuesday morning, I'm asking if all looks bueno. No response. I'm texting to my manager because this wasn't normal. No response. Then, I couldn't log in to my email. I got locked out from my work email. Doesn't take a genius to notice that something wacky has been going on. I got all my shit from Dropbox and whatever accounts I had on an external hard drive. I started making peace with the thought that I'm being fired. I just didn't know what for.

The next morning I see an email from HR with the subject "Effective Immediately" and saying, "Due to your repeated absences and your abuse of the paid time off, it was decided to terminate your employment." That's it. No further instructions, nothing. I tried to call my manager, but he didn't answer. He texted me later that day to give the address where my belongings should be delivered. I was still sick on Thursday. On Monday I got an email asking to sign it and send back. No instruction if I should do it by mail or email, just a lot of words reminding me what was in my contract: confidentiality blah blah blah, non-compete clauses blah blah blah, company's intellectual property blah blah blah. It looked like it was copied from an online template. I asked HR to send me a copy of my contract as everything was on my company's laptop. The contract was worded the way that working or even contacting with their clients could put me in legal trouble.

I got another job almost 2 months later. With maxed out credit cards and a $3K loan, I felt little helpless. They treated me like a piece of trash. After winning the pitch the agency has been bragging on social media about how amazing and millennial they are. On the company's social accounts they were trying hard to turn every little thing into a huge win. For me, every day was harder because the new job sucked, I felt excluded and didn't feel I'm the part of the culture. So, I've been checking the old agency's social media like a maniac. It got so bad I had to delete the Facebook app from my phone and install some chrome extensions to prevent me from visiting their social media. I stopped going to the gym, was eating unhealthy, broke up with a girl who actually liked me over a stupid argument, was stressed, and felt like a loser.

One day they posted a blog with so much praise for themselves... I cringed. While scrolling through everything people were saying, I realized that their pride blinded them to anything but positive feedback.

After 3 months since I got fired, my bank offered me skip a pay or something like that for 2 next months and I used the $700 to buy as many fake likes, follows, views, etc., as it was possible. From 2K they went to almost 50K followers on Facebook. They were getting 300-500 likes on their Instagram posts, their Twitter also jumped high from only 200 followers. After a week the $700 got me, I decided to go full in for another week and added $500 to the revenge budget. I was more selective, knew more, had better sites for cheaper, I was posting comments everywhere praising the agency, I even created a fake site which was "featuring" the best social media campaigns and ads. I created fake 2 months worth of content in the form of "awards," "special features," and fake polls, and then featured this agency on the front page. Every comment was retweeted, shared, commented back, thanked. It seemed they enjoy the ride a lot. From 1-2 post a week before I got fired they jumped to 2-3 posts a day on every platform. They were so full of themselves they thought they got all of this with their hard work.

2014-2015 was the golden era of Facebook and social media for this type of activities. After over 2 weeks of the hype, suddenly, one of their most cocky posts of theirs got 0 likes. Null. These fools were so caught up in the chase of their 'hard-earned' success, they didn't even check who likes their shit, who follows them. Those were bot accounts, all of them probably in India, cheap as hell, from some scammy sites you don't want to associate your business or name with, or even your IP. The agency had almost 120K followers on Facebook at some point. Going from less than 2K followers to 120K, imagine how the engagement went down. All their organic posts were non-existent. The whole agency looked like idiots because it was apparent from the outside it's all weird and that the hype's fake.

They were trying to get that hype back they started writing useless blogs like more pointless and worthless content would fix anything. Their headlines were screaming "clickbait," their posts and the volume of images they were posting looked desperate. One day... Oops, their FB is "not available." They got blocked! Since there were hundreds of thousands of the same cases in review (blocked accounts for similar schemes, etc.) and they had $0 ad spend on that page, they would wait months to get their account back. They had to create a new FB page, a new Instagram account, and after they shared again the link with their "we're honored to be featured..." I replaced the URL to link to another business in San Francisco lol and removed their entry from the front page. I wasn't even aware at the time, but after these 2 weeks of imverybadass behaviour they lost a few crucial employees. I heard a rumor they left the agency in the mid-project and someone inexperienced, with no fucking clue and their own projects had to finish it. It had to be a shit show. The client refused to pay and eventually they lost every single client they had on a regular yearly contract. From 25 employees, in less than 1 year, they went to 9! I don't think they realize even now the ratios of likes to comments was suspicious. 2K likes on a photo post with only a single comment saying "Amazing!", posted by Rakesh Johnson from nowhere, with the profile pic of an anime character...? You need to be a true-born idiot to buy that, and they were "an agency."

They still have fewer FB followers than they started with before firing me. They gave up on Twitter. Instagram is also bad, no engagement, no regular posts. Overall, $1,200 bought me back my self-esteem, which I consider money wisely spent.

As of today, I've been talking to that girl I screwed up with and things are looking promising. I'm making more than my previous manager (according to Glassdoor), and he is still with the same company, not having any client on any sort of retainer fee. Only small projects, zero social media activity, almost a dead company, with no talent wanting to work there, and a bad reputation in the area Imagine, a social media marketing company gets kick out from Facebook... laughable. Bunch of egocentric people who got the taste of their own bitter piss. Sometimes I really want to add another nail in the coffin, but I'm a better man now. I moved on and don't consider them worthy of my time. This post is my final goodbye to this issue.

TL/DR: A social media marketing agency fired me for being sick. Got their ass kicked by their own ego and have been recovering ever since.

(source) (story by PierceJames)