#and frankly this didnt even have the defense of being an okay take it was a pretty immediate redflag

[untitled-by]

Even if you see a post about a queer take that you THINK is safe, I highly recommend getting into the habit of going into the notes and reblogs. Maybe it is safe, or maybe what you will find is that among the large number of other genuinely nice queer folk are also a large amount of r**fems and openly facist and racist blogs... because that take you thought was pretty normal? It really isnt and you might need to educate yourself on WHY r**fems and facists like it so much.

As someone who is undesirable on an unfortunately large number axis... I see an annoying amount of posts cross my dash that frankly? Shouldnt. I dont expect everyone to have a PhD on what is and isnt harmful to everyone ever-- that would be impossible, and I certainly dont have one--but a stroll thru the notes could save us all some time. I dont want to pass any thing on to my people, either, so I am constantly in the notes of every post that Im even mildly considering reblogging. Even if the post actually is safe, it could even provide further excellent information you'd be glad to have on your blog.

This works great for ALL types of posts, too, actually. There is a lot of harmful misinformation out there that is very cleverly masked. If you dont have time to walk thru the notes? Then just give it a like and save it for when you do. If you can build up a queue of posts youve given a cursory look at, great. Personally, ive never been able to use the queue. If I cant look thru the notes then I typically just dont reblog it (I have a couple thousand likes that Ive meant to post later, oops.) Photos are proobably okay, but videos of animals you may wanna think critical about. I did just see a kitten video on my for you page f'ex that was likely a unsafe transfer from a kitten mill, but who knows. Not me, so I wont be reblogging it.

The best we can do is try to keep each other safe, and that's the easiest way I've found to do so. I think I spend more time than I care to scrolling thru notes and reblogs sometimes, but it can be worth it. Theres a lot of good and bad information in there!

[omegawolverine]

I know you posted it days ago but you said something about wanting to rant about either karl or his fanbase and its been itching at my brain. Ive no clue whats happening or what is happening at all cause no one seems to be making clear points?? Or explaining anything?

Obviously you do NOT have to talk about it im sure it might be a sore point to rant because people can get SO needlessly rude to others over it. But if you want to idk explain? Just rant? Im definetly curious what it was over or about.

The "you dont need to talk about this" is amplified by the fact i am DAYS late and you are probably over it by now.

okay hi yes im happy to talk about this but i think i should preface with two things:

1) even tho it may seem like im biased towards him or being very defensive of him im actually a super casual karl viewer and the only reason i am super defensive of him sometimes is bc we act a lot alike irl and that is mainly because of our neurodivegency. when i say a lot i mean we share traits like "annoying" stimming (jumping around, making loud noises, repeating the same phrases until everyone is sick of hearing them), the difficulty reading situations, the very obvious issues with volume control and not just bouncing from subject to subject to subject as we fucking please. basically anything you've seen karl do on stream that is Very Neurodivergent ive done the same in my own way which is why i get defensive when i see people calling him annoying or saying they dont like him, usually for these types of reasons. that being said, when i say im a very casual karl viewer, i fucking mean it. i usually only watch him when he's streaming with other ccs i like or when he's doing chill alt streams bc even with the annoying donos, he's pretty relaxing and comforting when he's just fucking around by himself and he isnt trying to get as hype as he would on a main channel stream. so yeah, it may seem like im biased and sure, i guess i am on some level, but it's not coming from a place of me hyperfixating on him or me even loving him as a cc, it's coming from me being a neurodivergent who likes him just enough to get upset when i see people basically being casually ableist towards him.

2) i dont have all the facts or even a great understanding on what the fuck has been happening recently with his "drama"...mostly bc he talked about it on his priv, which im not on, and people are gatekeeping the tweets, as they always do, and basically making you "dm to see them" (which is already a problem in and of itself bc apparently in these tweets he said he didnt want them being ss and shared, yet they are being shared thru dms over and over and over again like. at that point just stop withholding the information and post the fucking shit, you clearly dont care that he said "dont share"). additionally, most of the threads ive seen on this situation havent actually explained the initial issue, just talked about his apology (a lot of people have said "it's bad" but havent said why and with no screenshots ((i havent asked for someone to dm me them and i still havent seen them posted, which is mildly surprising, but incredibly frustrating at this point)), i only have a few basic details i can actually assess it on) or they talked about the initial issue in very vague details so um. excuse me trying to explain this now, but ill try and make it make sense with how little ive actually pieced together.

(oh, also, here's my first rant about the ableism in this fandom which is way more broad. this is a pretty different rant from that one, but they're both pretty big reasons why i hate this fandoms treatment of karl)

so basically the problems started with mr beast being apart of a charity stream that donated either to autism speaks or to a similar company, im unsure on that part. im also unsure on if the people participating in the stream actually knew of this or not bc, from what i remember, the money was being donated to a separate organization that was like. under the bad company or some shit like that, idk how stuff like that works and also i read about this shit months ago bc this originally happened months ago and just sorta came to a head recently.

anyways, i think karl was supposed to be apart of this stream but pulled out of it right before (that or these were two separate streams and karl was supposed to participate in the first but pulled out while mr beast did both?? idk. regardless karl did not actually participate, just mr beast). from there people started doing the guilt from association bullshit they always do, this was also doubled by the fact that the chris being racist stuff came out sometime around then and basically he got dragged all over twitter for "being ableist" and "supporting racists" and i cant remember if he actually apologized when this originally happened or not. i vaguely remember him apologizing about something back then but i genuinely dont know if it was this or something else.

basically that died down eventually, a good chunk of people unstanned him but him and honktwt didnt end up getting the lovely lil technotwt treatment and they still havent yet, surprisingly. good for them honestly ajsksk

but now we get to the past few weeks and apparently something happened with him "laughing at someone saying the r slur" (it was mizkif, i believe), specifically when it was directed at other people, which is a big yikes, obviously, but when karl was called out for this a lot of people kind of. made this into a situation that it wasnt bc um. basically karl didnt laugh at it, he gave a few nervous giggles, as people often do when in a situation like that (and karl specifically said he does this in the one part of his apology tweet which i did stumble upon, although it wasnt the important part of the apology thread bc why would it be) and people fucking crucified him for it. they quite literally dragged a neurodivergent man for supposedly "laughing at the r slur" when he can literally reclaim it and also he was just nervous laughing.

and this is where the situation just gets really bad because they. basically forced him to admit that he was autistic on his priv to apologize for this. i havent seen the screenshots of him saying this, but i saw people discussing it and i am frankly so fucking pissed about this because sure, it was a bad situation, and i understand people wanting an explanation, but an apology? for a neurodivergent man nervous laughing at a slur he can reclaim? and then forcing the man to admit something he literally said in that tweet he didnt want people to know which is why people were being so gatekeepy about it while also LOUDLY discussing the situation, as if that wouldnt drive MORE PEOPLE to look for screenshots and ways to get ahold of this information? and then people had the audacity to call it a "bad apology" when they had quite literally just violated his privacy by forcing him to admit something that he shouldnt have needed to share in the first place if he didnt want to, which he didnt.

and this is why im so pissed off. karl is already constantly picked at and made fun of and called annoying for his neurodivergent traits, things which he literally cant help, things which are generally harmless, and now he was forced into a situation where he can now be further picked at and made fun of and called annoying bc they forced him to admit something private instead of just understanding and accepting that he had been nervous laughing at someone using a slur he has definetly been called for his neurodivergency.

tldr of my thoughts: yes i think karl needed to address this situation, it definetly looked bad, but twitter stans have this sense of entitlement with their ccs and because of that, they consistently take it way too far and harm the people they claim to care about so dearly. we've seen it happen time and time again with dream, but this is the first time ive seen them basically force someone to out themselves to make their apology "valid" and most of them still seem to not want to accept it anyways, which just makes me feel bad for him bc now that info is out their and people are just disregarding it to continue "holding him accountable".

anyways, i think that's all i can really say on this topic rn tbh, if anyone else knows this situation better please feel free to lmk clarifications and ill add them in since, like i said, i know fuck all thanks to twitter being so goddamn hush hush about the important details while simultaneously being the loudest mfers about how much they hate karl now instead of just fucking unfollowing and moving on.

thanks for the ask and im sorry if this is confusing!! i just think this is one of those weird situations where like. i think karl deserved some criticism for what happened and how he handled it or at least he shouldve been asked to address it but that just. isnt what happened, at all. he was harrassed. karl got harrassed and because of that he handled this situation even more sloppily than he probably wouldve and exposed private info about himself that he didnt feel comfortable doing and it just. fucking sucks tbh.

[calliope-love-corner]

First date

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

The cafe is warm, and airy, and reminds me of the city I was born in, where I am very far from now. I don't mind it, of course. Seeing the world was always my dream, but its nice when some place feels... familiar.

A hot, humid summer afternoon brought me to a little indie Cafe in a tucked away corner of London that seemed rather quiet compared to the rest of the scummy city. Something about the style and decor of the place tipped me off that it was probably run by an american- the patio seating that seemed to take up most of the cafe closed in by rustic wooden railing, raised up on a deck tastefully littered with potted plants and string lights. A few ceiling fans spun lazily overhead, and the low hum of patron conversation was quite a comfortable sort of white noise. It was an afternoon I very much felt I'd experienced before- not quite deja vu, but something similar.

Although I felt quite relaxed during my half day off, I was stuck with busywork, like always. I tapped away at my laptop, digitally transcribing handwritten statements that looked like a pharmacist had written them into the digital world. And I thought my OWN handwriting was illegible- I had nothing on some of these old forms.

Someone brushed past me on the left- a waiter, moving gracefully across the deck with practiced precision. A dishboy clearing tables and hauling stacks of trays and plates and ceramic cups away in his arms like second nature. People hard at work. I took a sip of my drink- iced matcha latte, the same no matter where I went- impressed, and reminiscent of my old food service jobs back home. I never got comfortable in any one place to get that good at getting shit done. There was a certain art to it I guess I never got the hang of.

Someone approached to brush past on the left again, much less practiced than the waiter before them. I immediately try and sink into my seat, trying to look too focused on my work to even notice anyone else. My earbuds helped sell the idea, usually, but whether or not they actually aged music at any given time was a toss up. Today, they played a quiet lo-fi Playlist, low enough to hear the world around me, but loud enough to hear the music. I'd gotten quite good at not talking to people of I didn't want to.

"Boo."

I blink, startled, and look up to find Annabelle sat across from me at my little table in the corner of the deck. How long had she been there, I wondered? Was she the one I just instinctively tried to hide from? Or did she come from somewhere else entirely? Need I remind you of her way of sneaking up on me. There is nothing in this world I know about that she doesn't explicitly want me to.

"Oh. Hi." I push out. It wasn't that I wasn't happy to see her- you'll find that I always am, no matter the situation- it was just... unexpected.

Okay, Annabelle's sudden appearances were always just that. Sudden and unexpected. However, today, I was expecting to be alone on purpose. Now I'm not alone on accident. Whoops.

"Well, don't get too excited. Something on your mind?" She cocks her head to the side, hands folded neatly in her lap. I avoid her eyes, and instinctively push a half-laugh out of my nostrils, not even really smiling.

"Oh, no, I- I'm fine. Just." I trail off, biting my cheek. "I dunno. I sorta wasn't expecting to talk to anyone. Verbally. I guess. Or at all."

I sink my head into my shoulders, looking like I'm trying to retreat into my shell. The last thing I want to do is to offend her, naturally. Annabelle chases after me, leaning forward with interest and placing a delicate hand out of the tablecloth as a gesture of sincerity.

"Worry not, darling. I was just passing through and saw you hard at work, as usual. Thought I'd say hello is all, I don't mean to take up your time!"

That- though- makes a smile play at the edges of my lips. She came to see me. Annabelle is never 'just passing through' anywhere. She, like her master, does everything with full purpose and full intent, and she came to see me. I shift in my seat, letting my eyes trace from her sharp black manicured fingertips, up her arm, finally stopping at her deep earthy eyes. They feel warm looking at me- mysterious as she is. They're quite a sight. Not quite hazel, or golden, or burgundy or maroon or even black. Just deep, and dark, and full. They tell me she knows.

I blink a few times to ground myself. Her warm gaze seems to have warmed my cheeks and the tips of my ears. Her smile is infectious. I look away again.

"I... well, I. Don't mind your company, I guess. I just- just as long as you know that I'm not exactly a star conversationalist at the moment."

Annabelle gives a knowing nod, smile never faltering. "Understood. I'll let you get back to work, then."

And so I did. She got comfortable quickly- moments after I resumed my frenzied typing, she flagged down a server and ordered a chocolate cappuccino. Fitting, I thought. Most people matched their coffee orders well, and Annabelle seemed no different, no matter how alien she was to me at times. I watched her over the top of my laptop as she absentmindedly played with a small jumping spider on the tablecloth as she waited, head perched daintily on her hand, elbow rested on the table. She silently traced shapes on the cloth which the little arachnid followed, leaving behind a stringy trail of web. After her drink arrived, she amused herself with a phone, which I was almost alarmed to find out she had. I suppose it sort of made sense- humanoid avatars have to be functioning members of society too, I guess, at least to some extent.

By the time my own drink was finished and my pastry long since eaten, I gently shut my laptop, tucking it and the folder of statements away in my bag. Annabelle looked up expectantly, and I stretched.

"Feeling better?" She asked, phone now in her lap.

"Mhm. Got a good chunk done, but I need a bit to recoup. If I have to type something about mysterious phone calls or disappearing items one more fucking time I'm going to cry."

Annabelle laughed right on cue. At this point I think I'd feel awkward if she DIDNT laugh at something I said.

"Well, I'm glad. Keeping you caffinated and keeping you sane seem to bleed more and more into each other with each passing day."

"God, you don't even know the HALF of it." I roll my eyes. "Breakfast for me is a monster and MAYBE some chips if I have time- great way to start the day, right? Then I have like two more whenever I can, then a latte or two, THEN I have another energy drink when I get home. I literally have a problem."

Another sweet giggle. "I have no idea what you see in those energy drinks. Frankly, they scare me."

"Oh, they're not so bad. Loud, is how I'd describe it. More efficient than coffee, especially if you do a bang. Those things don't fuck around."

Annabelle cringes. "Sounds awful."

"Hey, to each their own. I'm here for a good time, not a long time."

She laughs. "Sure. Finished working, then?"

I nod. "For now. My brain is too fried to try and decipher any more statements. Did you SEE that handwriting!?"

She rests her chin on primary folded hands. "Can't be any worse than yours." Annabelle teases. My jaw drops in mock-offense.

"Uncalled for!"

"But not wrong." She gives a coy shrug, leaning back in her chair.

I purse my lips. "Touche, but you don't have to call me out on it!" I huff. "You're a real bitch sometimes."

"Yet you keep me around. Not only that, but you enjoy my company. How odd." She smiles. I bite my cheek.

"Can't imagine why." I go on the defense, affectionate mood shifting ever so slightly to something more suspicious. She was messing with me in an unfamiliar way, calling me on my thoughts no matter how insignificant. I can't help but imagine she's trying me from a new angle. Or not- maybe I'm just being paranoid.

"Mm, and unfortunately, I can't be the one to say." Annabelle stands and straightens out her dress. She winks at me. "What i can say is that though I've enjoyed our date, I do have to get going. A spider's work is never done, as they say."

"I don't think anyone says that?" I watch her walk past me. She pauses, and daintily swipes my hat, securing it on her own head. I let her.

"No matter." She turns, and offers a wave over her shoulder, trotting down the deck stairs and sauntering around the corner out of sight. "Until next time~!" I hear her say before disappearing into the foot traffic.

"I better get that back..." I mutter to myself, putting money on the bill tray that had appeared on the table when I wasn't paying attention. I shake my head, and in my annoyance, I can't help but smile just a little.

Suddenly, though, my head shoots up.

"Holy shit, that was a /date/!?" I exclaim, scaring the waitress.

[celticheartedfangirl]

My OUAT Rewatch -- S5E11 -- Swan Song

Link to Rewatch Review and Ranking archive

Me getting through this episode . . . . . . . 

So . . . . this is gonna be LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG.  I have time, I have opinions, and I’m not holding back.  Under the cut for length and just a heads up there WILL BE BELLE CRITICISM UNDER HERE.  When I get to that point I will strike out all of the Belle critical stuff like this.  It doesn’t mean I don’t MEAN IT -- I just want to give those who can’t handle Belle being dragged the opportunity to easily bypass that section.  

Are we ready?

Me AFTER I watched this episode, BTW . . . . . . 

So, honestly, as has been the case since this arc crap started, this is a rushed, sloppy, choppy, hacked up episode with a bunch of shit going on, it’s clearly a hot mess of shit, there are OBVIOUS deleted scenes we never saw and never WILL see, and I can totally understand why so many just flat out noped the fuck out of this show at this point.  Because it really is NOT enjoyable and frankly, even knowing what comes, it still makes me stabby.  

But I have to find a way of plodding through this here, so let’s do a point by point order of things, in no particular order:

1.  So Hook murdered his dad and left his little brother an orphan.  Whatta guy!  Honestly, here’s the thing -- all the anti-Rumple folk bitch about how many people he killed, and really I don’t think his body count is higher than Hook’s.  Rumple kills when he’s pissed off, and almost always in a heat of the moment thing (see: Milah, the dudes that used to bully him as a spinner, Tamara).  He doesn’t just go off killing to kill for thrills and funsies and murder trinkets.  Hook has admitted ON SCREEN to killing dozens -- and this was as a mortal with no dark curse whispering in his ear 24/7.  What’s HIS excuse?  

2.  OMG, Emma really just got completely destroyed at this point, didn’t she.  I found a VERY GOOD meta on the destruction of Emma Swan and why CS is such utter bullshit so I thought I’d share it here:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/134225913047/lana-ny-swanmills-cs-is-literally-so-terrible

3.  Slight fun side note -- DON’S Mess with OQ, yo!  

From the OFFICIAL Once Upon a Time Twitter!  Happy Endgins!  

Okay where was I . . . . this is what happens when I scroll through late 2015 me . . . ahem . . . 

4.  This would have been the perfect way to keep Zee the fuck off the show forever.  Just saying . . . . . . 

5.  Side note 2: some fun times with December 2015 me live blogging this shitfest . . . . . 

http://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/134695062042/any-wagers-on-them-cutting-that-scene-of-belle

Yup . . . they cut it . . . shocking, right?

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/134695563322/so-hold-up

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/134694787487/that-was-literally-the-worst-writing-ive-seen

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/134704968232/rumple-moving-the-darkness-didnt-even-make-sense

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/135222506932/friendly-reminder-that-killian-was-a-dead-man

6.  Post-episode Adam Horowitz being an absolute DICK to fans on Twitter -- just follow our vision, FUCK your vision, you hack! (Bonus points for a hijacking of this post by some asshole CS fan):

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/134802058737/rumplegasm-mybittersweetblasphemy

7.  The AMY MANSON saga:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/134756133022/amy-manson-deleted-her-retweets-of-ouat-negativity

There are also BTS somewhere of Merida marching Arthur out of Storybrooke that were filmed for this episode.  Remember . . . at the end of The Bear King, Merida promised she was coming for Arthur.  Did that ever happen?  Of course not.  HACKS.  Also Amy did PRESS for this episode and so it’s clear they never even TOLD HER that her scenes for this episode were CUT.  So there’s also that.  HACKS. 

8.  Check out the Lily Sparks review of this episode because it is EVERYTHING:

http://www.tv.com/news/once-upon-a-time-swan-song-review-headed-to-hell-in-a-handbasket-144942941967/

I want to point out specifically, on page 3, what she says about Rumple taking back the Dark One powers:

And then Emma heard all the Parseltongue and followed the sounds to the pawnshop and Rumple was like, "LOL okay you got me, I totally performed a quick spell that somehow cleaved apart the Excalibur and became the Dark One because eff everybody invested in my character. I essentially have a multiple-personality disorder and no one on the writing staff gave me the memo about not trying to convey a genuine struggle while I was playing Rumple these last three years." I'm sorry but this twist was so lazy it infuriated me. I can't believe that shit made it out of a first draft, let alone through studio and network notes.

Which, sadly . . . . . . brings me to Belle and Rumbelle.

9. Belle’s theme song:

Yeah, it’s not gonna get better from here . . . . 

So damn . . . . Belle really was kind of a bitch in this episode, huh?  I mean . . . . at the TIME I was happy for the hugs and kisses and sex but watching it again just . . . DAMN . . . . . 

Also, “For the first time ever you were selfless” GTFO of here!!!!!

For the first time EVER????  GTFO, what kind of shit writing is this???  How did Emilie even deliver that garbage fire of a line with a straight face, and how did Bobby even react to it without a lot of cursing?  Or maybe he did.  We do know that they wanted Rumbelle to bang on the bed in the shop and Bobby put his foot down on that one and they literally created a bedroom set for that 30 second scene because Bobby wasn’t gonna have them film the post-coital scene in the shop.  

So yay for Bobby?  

10.  I wrote this post regarding this episode IN DEFENSE OF RUMPLE -- still stand by every word (there is Belle dragging and I mean DRAGGING in this post -- you’ve been warned):

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/177022910487/in-defense-of-rumpelstiltskin-in-s5e11

11.  In closing -- A SUMMARY:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/135191267572/summary-of-ouat-finale

Here have some fan art:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/135246399887/retrogrlfan-there-is-no-reason-for-this

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/135223382862/retrogrlfan-more-pink-rumple

Points tally:

40 points to start

20 points for 2 Rumbelle hugs

20 points for 2 Rumbelle kisses

5 points for Swan Queen

20 points deducted for BOTH OOC Belle and Rumple nonsense

10 points deducted for Hook & Zelena

Full 25 deducted and I want to give bonus for the Rumbelle sex but . . . . this episode just doesn’t deserve it.  

Total points: 30

Moving on .  . . are we ready?

Follow #celtichearted OUAT ranking tag for more to come!

[pastelraes-blog]

Bitch Why Are You Like This: meeting Miss & Daddy (Jan 22)

A picture of me looking at me during the entire evening.

Starring: Daddy, Miss and a bitch (that's me!)

i've been thinking about my meeting with Miss and Daddy. Before that very moment, i have never felt young. Truly young - innocent, energetic, inexperienced, requiring guidance, in-over-my-head. Ever. Welcome to childhood, bitch.

Miss is fucking amazing. Although intense, she embodies the person i want to be. There's a quiet strength about her, a self-assurance, and she's beautiful. When the hostess pointed her out, i was quite sure i'd die before ever reaching the table. But here i am. Still living. While sitting at the table i marveled at how blessed i felt. Do i know what the fuck i'm doing? No. Do i know what i'm getting myself into? Hell no. But i trust in the experience Miss has, her thorough questioning, and deliberate actions.

For a moment, i wondered about sex trafficking. Atlanta is the sex trafficking hub of the nation, and to get women, sex traffickers often recruit other women. Because girls/women feel safer with and trust women more than men. With reason. But i requested to see and talk to her and Daddy was kind enough to let that happen.

And then in comes Daddy. i doubted He was real but He sure as fuck is, and boy do i feel little. It's not something i've ever experienced in my life. And i like it a lot (question mark?). i was pretty sure i was going to fuck some shit up and fuck some shit up i did. He told me to ask Him a question. i didn't feel i deserved to ask a question and quite frankly i was suffering from slight sensory overload and i didn't have a question to ask. Every question i had left my mind the moment He asked. Somehow, i found one - something about my age. i don't remember what i asked or His answer. i do remember getting comfortable and asking another question. He leans forward and says, "What part of one question do you not understand?" and i respond, "the one part." 🤦🏽‍♂️ Internally, i was yelling at myself to shut the fuck up.

And then He looked at me.

He looked *into* me

and i fell

When i was 4 or 5 or 6 (who the fuck knows honestly) my mother took me and my sister (who was 2 or 3 or 4) to a pool. i could somewhat swim but knew i should never cross 4 feet deep. Keeping this in mind, i jumped in the pool. And then i started drowning; the '4 feet' pool marker was missing and i thought i was jumping into 3 feet water. As i drowned, there was no panic. i felt no discomfort. i remember being surrounded by light blue waves. Looking up to see the sun shining through the water. i was at peace. There was no sound, there was no disturbance. And then i closed my eyes.

And when i opened them i was staring into Daddy's.

*still*

There's a common descriptor phrase - looking like a deer in headlights - and i have had the terribly unfortunate opportunity to witness this in reality in the passenger seat of my grandfather's jeep speeding toward a deer at 50 miles per hour.

and i am the deer

and the deer is me

drowning in water

over four feet deep

with eyes staring into Daddy's

Eventually i look away. And to mask my terror - that i could feel the depth of those experiences, i do the worst possible thing i could do in the moment: i look back at him defiantly & *i get smug*. And when i return my attention to Miss, i am smiling. Daddy asks Miss if i have signed the waiver yet and he says to get that done *as soon as possible*

A bitch is in trouble .

Should i be terrified for my life? Should i try to suck His ****? Who knows 🤷🏾‍♂️ (lxlzkzkzjkzjzb why am i like this! 😳🤣). Fuck Twilight AND ESPECIALLY fuck its fanfic 50 Shades, but Bella. Sweetie. If this is how you felt when Eddy-boy stared at you, i understand and im sorry for ever doubting you.

The night goes on. Daddy pours his coffee in a very particular manner. i am very thankful for Miss. They work well together. A perfect balance. She asks about me staring down Daddy and asks if i wanted to or felt like i should look away. Hell yeah i wanted to look away. i felt like i should look away. i wanted desperately to look away. i couldn't. And then it felt like maybe i shouldn't look away? Like what was this Man thinking i wondered. And when i caught myself looking i realized i kinda didn't want to stop? A bitch is a brat. Why do i poke the Lion? i don't knoooww 😭. Miss says she can't imagine me being submissive and that hurts a lot.

And of course in typical fashion of one who emotes (?) dramatically, i begin to cry. Because being smug is a defense mechanism. Bucking authority is another. i have had to puff myself up and build up walls and be hard for so long to *survive* and i don't want to be like that anymore. It's not me. i didn't have a childhood. i've always felt impossibly old. At 10, i raised my siblings for four years while momma went to college. because making 6k a year aint shit with 4 kids. At 14 when she finished, she wanted her role and her power back, but the children didn't recognize her as momma. And she hated it. It was a constant power struggle. To me she was irrational, led by the heart and prone to overreaction. Her favorite punishment aside from capital punishment was to take away everything i cared about at any moment *because she could*. So i became smug. *Because fuck you.*

Fast forward 4 years when i finally get to college and shit aint much better. i'm in an environment i wasn't ready for academically. The learning curve was exponential with a slope asymptote to infinity (undefined). That joint is a straight line lol. People are mad racist, dudes are mad sexist, the black people super rich and i'm slipping into depression. When i took a break from school last semester, i learned the traits i picked up - the way i operate in groups/the constant fight - don't work in other environments. It's dangerous to myself and it hurts others. And i don't want to be like that anymore. this is what i've had to do to survive all my life and it's ugly and it's not me.

i'm done with surviving. i want to thrive. i want to *live*. i want to submit desperately, i just don't know how. i'm tired of being defiant and smug and provoking because it's not me. i care so deeply for people, and i struggle because my face, my words, and my attitude are incongruent. When shit is bad, and i mean real bad, i smile and laugh. Not because something is funny or amusing - i smile because it isn't. i guess i started smiling cuz that's much simpler than bursting into tears. And these behaviors are habits i desperately want to break. my life has been fight after fight and resistance and war. i've made it so i would not submit to the negative forces in my life, but now i don't know how to accept the good. and that's why it hurts me so much when i smile at Miss or stare down Daddy when i would truly love not to be.

i was sure after that fiasco i'd never hear from them again. i failed so epically at something i know myself to be. regardless of the tears (because i definitely cried more last night), i am so thankful for that one opportunity to be in the presence of Miss and Daddy. The experience allowed me to gaze intently at those very ugly behaviors that i didnt truly recognize until last night. i left feeling like i failed a lot. But that failure was good because it was necessary. i'm now one step closer to knowing the person i am and transforming into the person i want to be.

Miss told me to look up what submission means and give ten examples of when i have ever done that in my life. For a moment i was quite terrified because i don't think i have ever submitted to someone or something without resistance first.

Submission - the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person; an act of surrendering to a hold by one's opponent; humility; meekness

Okay the '10 examples' activity is super hard because i see now i've been the bitch reluctant to listen and follow. people must loved me to put up with this shit. Jesus take the wheel.

i still don't think i'm off the hook. i live on the hook. i am the worm 😂. i'm super disappointed in myself, but my love for myself has not changed. i'm really proud of myself for taking the chance and putting myself out there and meeting people who i fantasize about binding me, dragging keys down my back until i bleed, whipping my *****, leaving marks/bruises and other normal shit like calling me hideous degrading names and looking at me in ways that make my entire being quiver. If we're being 300,000% truthful, though i didn't intend to fuck up, the intensity of those moments, the acute embarrassment i felt, the topic of conversation in that public environment is something i truly enjoyed and if given the chance to experience it again i definitely would. ☺️

Eventually i'll ask Miss about her role because she's Daddy's sub but i have to pass her first to get to Daddy. Does that mean one day she's going to hand me off and i don't get to have her as Miss anymore 😢? i'm going to enjoy things as they are and take them as they come. Because i like Daddy & Miss a lot 🤷🏾‍♂️

[iceamericanoventi]

Love Will Find a Way, Well, Eventually : 2. In Between

“Where are you going?”

If it was inside Cartoon Network’s universe, everyone must be able to see the smoke fuming from both his nostrils and ears. Jinki looks beyond distressed when he’s lifting his ass from the chair. No one on the table was his partner, but Minho decided to throw some ridiculous question then played dumb as if he didn’t just ask one.

“Should I have number one here?”

He started getting irked, but that doesn’t stay long until Kibum casually munched his breadstick while spluttering his witty comments as usual, “Surely Taemin would be delightful.”

Taemin who didn’t do anything almost chocked himself with a piece of tomato and kicked Kibum’s shin under the table, eventually.

“Promise me you won’t run away?”

Dumbfounded, Jinki emptied his pocket and almost smashed the table with his belonging.

“Are you my husband? Here’s my wallet. And my phone!” and with that, he left the other three men finishing their meal.

“Is he always in this temper?”

Lee Taemin gave him another look, pleading him not to embarrass them further, but Kibum just shrugged and muttered ‘I’m just asking’ under his nose.

“He was mad with me since this afternoon. Plus, he has lots of stuffs to think about these days. But don’t worry, he never really got mad unless you disturb his nap.”

“What is he? A bear?”

“Yaa! Kim Kibum!”

Minho couldn’t help but laugh to the scene happened before his eyes. Taemin is famous for being friendly and very expressive only if you know him, even if he’s talkative. To penetrate his bubble is very hard at first, but this man sitting across him, he seems like he’s already inside that bubble since the very beginning. He really is someone closed to him. Kibum looks mesmerizing, even in his grumbling nature. The oversize sweater wrapped his lithe build perfectly.

A phone call arrived to Kibum's phone, he picked it up frantically and excused himself to take it outside.

"What do you think?"

“Eh?” Minho doesn’t even realized he got his eyes entailed Kibum’s silhouette until it disappear by the entrance door.

“You seemed in trance. I know Kibum is beautiful but I didn’t expect you’ll be this amazed with my friend,” Taemin’s sipping his wine, a smirk is very apparent in his devious face. 

“I guess it’s safe to say that you’re not a liar.”

Minho reopened his mouth few minutes after he’s assured that Kibum’s not going back any soon. Taemin is not ecstatic, sometimes he wondered if Minho has a decent sense of humor of a friend.

“For your information, I’m not and never been. I’m the most honest person you’ve ever encountered in your life.”

“Everyone in this room knows that’s not true.”

“Whatever. I might know my ways deceiving people, but I never lie to my friend.”

 “Did you just admit that you’re lying here and there, Lee Taemin?”

Taemin rolls his eyes, again, probably for the nth times already this evening. Without Jinki around, he can be more relaxed on throwing his tantrum on Minho.

“Choi Minho, people lies at some certain points of their life. Get over it.”

He gulped down the rest of his wine, Taemin then called a waiter near them to bring him another one.

“Kibum seems nice. He sounds smart.”

“Sounds? Did you even listen to yourself? No writer is not smart, Choi. Moreover, someone who’s been writing the past decade!”

“I only know him for one night. Who knows he’s just acting?”

“Dude, not everyone is an asshole like you.”

“An asshole wouldn’t agree to bring his best friend along in front of a psychopath like you.”

Taemin snorted and Minho’s smirk reappeared on his face.

“That is literally what a psycho would do, selling their friend for their own benefits.”

Minho wiped his mouth before washed down the dinner with cold water, “And that’s exactly what Jinki accused me for. You two shared a brain or what?”

“Any sane people would say the same, Honey,” this time Taemin’s smirk that made the other scoffed, “By the way, what’s the deal with Jinki? He looks like he’s been sitting on thorny cushion the whole dinner!”

Minho knows Taemin would ask such question eventually. However, he couldn’t say that Jinki hates the whole dinner date plan, it’s impossible. Besides that, knowing him for years, Jinki really is an angel in disguise, well, at least when he’s in the mood.

“People have different, what should I say, defense mechanism? And that’s how he is. What kind of person who talked nonstop during their first meeting, anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know, me?”

“That’s why you’re a freak.”

“A freak who introduced you to your potentially next boyfriend.”

“Ha. Point taken,” Minho raised his hand to ask for the dessert, “Jinki is just not the type of person who will talk a lot and open up in a second. But I guarantee you, he’s a good person. Sometimes a little bit care too much for other at certain time so probably being brazen is his forte.”

“That reminds me of someone.”

Taemin and Kibum spent their high school days together. Separated for some years due to works and educations, their relationship’s all well maintained. They understand each other, including Kibum’s nature to always put others before him at any given situation.

“Appearance wise, though, what do you think about Jinki?”

“Choi Minho, I’m not a teenager anymore. Judging people around by its cover is no longer my habit.”

“But a designer like you must love a beautiful package, don’t they?”

“Well, to be honest, his lips and eyes itself could get me floored in one glance.”

“I knew it.”

“You’re a famous photographer for a reason.”

***

Cold wind slapped Kibum’s cheeks lightly when he pushed the door and parched to the corner near the valet post.

“Okay, now you can speak. Sorry, I don’t know why the reception wasn’t good enough inside.”

“Then I’ll be frankly here. There’s a possibility for making the special edition for the short story collection. But then, we’re still short of two stories at the moment.”

“Wait, wait, but we already have nine! I finished writing nine! Why should I add another two?”

“The publisher agreed to the preposition for at least twelve stories. You should be grateful I could pitch one less story!”

Kibum looks like he’s about to punch anyone passed within radius one meter around him, but nothing in reach besides a huge pot of short palm tree and concrete wall. And he needs his hand to finish his books still.

“But, Amber. Page wise, those are more than enough to make two new books. Are they out of their mind?”

There’s a loud groan banging on his ear drum came from the other line, “Dude, I almost flipped the table when I was at the meeting you have no idea. The board has new man and that guy is a pain in the ass.”

“Would it change the circumstance if I talked to them by myself?”

“Since when do they have time to talk to the writer directly? We’re head to head with bunch of snobs here, did you forget?”

“I should had not agree to let them touched my writings. Now we’re about to face dead end.”

It was a dream to work along this publisher. It was Kibum’s dream since he started writing when he took gap year after graduated high school. And as if it’s a fate, it was the only publisher agreed with his graphic novel concept five years he climbed his career professionally.

“Listen, Kibum. When I met you years ago, I promised I’ll work my ass hard to help you publishing your books. Not because I knew you, it’s because you’re good. You’re amazing writer and I’m not giving up easily. And neither you. Not when anybody can tell that you’re a gem.”

“I haven’t written any book since last year, Amber. I’m in a slump. Writer’s block is not even describing my bad luck at the moment.”

“Honey, you haven’t written any because you’re currently waiting two books released. And if I could do my magic, another one in, let’s say, six months.”

“If I could make up some words into another story within two weeks. If you could convince them to give me mercy.”

“Did you just know me yesterday?”

Kibum’s tired giving sane response, “What do you mean?”

“I’m waiting their secretary to call me in ten minutes. We’re going to discuss some new deals and I’ll make sure one of them is going to be your new nine stories book.”

“I actually have no idea if I don’t have you as my editor slash manager slash friend slash personal ranting partner slash whatever you want to be.”

“Rockstar. That would be cool.”

“You’re going to be a kick ass one to be honest.”

“I bet. Anyway, expect another call from me in the next couple hours. I’m sorry, but tonight we might need video call to resolve some issues.”

“I hate you for confiscating my time but you’re the best.”

“As always, ain’t I?”

The phone call ends already, but he still forlornly looking at his phone’s screen. With that, Kibum remembers all the works he needs to catch up for tonight. With that, he can put aside all the unnecessary anxiety and tension of tonight’s stupid match making session.

He took a glance of his watch and could only sighed, he better hurried inside to his dessert. The faster he finished, the sooner he can hit home and face the real deal. His deadlines.

Two steps away from the entrance however, he caught a familiar face sitting by themselves, staring to the busy street in front of the restaurant.

“Jinki?” he carefully calling the man, “Lee Jinki, right?”

The later tilted his head to the right and gave Kibum a simple smile, didn’t realize it dropped Kibum’s heart by the bottom of his gut.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Everyone would agree this winter is even harsher than last year’s. Jinki just lifted his left hand to make sure Kibum saw a cigarette slipped between his fingers, “Can I sit here?”

Jinki chuckles, “Aren’t you cold?”

Listening to the same question he threw a minute ago, he just rolled his eyes and took a place next to the other man.

“I’m waiting a phone call.”

“Important?”

“Kinda.”

Jinki blew some smoke out, “Hmm, I guess so. You sounded pretty upset over there.”

“Did I scream that loud?!”

“In my opinion? No. but a girl flinched and buzzed off rather hastily, so, you tell me.”

When he saw Kibum’s gaping like a fish in frantic expression, Jinki has no choices beside laughed again, surprising Kibum who’s quite convinced with his aloof personalities.

“I didn’t know you have so many jokes in store.”

“You learn something new every day.”

“Your face doesn’t show.”

“What about my face?”

“It’s handsome but with that attitude inside, seems like you’re the type who woke up at the wrong side of the bed every single morning and could kill someone annoys you at any time.”

“Well, to be fair, I did wake up in the wrong side of my bed this morning. But it’s because a certain dog occupied half of my blanket so I couldn’t disturb her.”

“You have a dog?!”

Kibum’s face lit up thousand times as if he just won some lottery. Strangely, it warms Jinki’s heart. No, scratch that, it would warm any heart, Jinki tried to generalize the situation.

“I don’t, unfortunately. She belongs to my friend. I’m taking care of her while he’s travelling abroad. Her father will pick her up this weekend.”

“Ah, too bad. We could have play date with my boys.”

“I’ll make sure to give you a call when I decided to adopt one later.”

“Do you think my invitation hasn’t expired yet by that time?”

“A man can only dream, can’t he?”

Kibum’s laughter is muffled by his own palm covering his mouth.

“Let’s go inside, you must be shivering.”

“But your cigarette?”

Kibum’s half stuttered caught red handed, Jinki already pressed the half-done cigarette on the sand bowl on his left, “I can always have another one at home. Besides, I doubt you would go inside without me dragging you along.”

Kibum thanked the universe that the place is not well lit, so he could hide the blush creeping his cheeks. Unfortunately, Jinki has a very good eye sight.

***

“Is my baby being a good girl when daddy’s away?”

Jinki scoffed when the man just entered his living room just literally threw his suitcase aside and scooped the little dachshund running toward his embrace. He gathered the suitcase and poor leather bag on the floor and placed it neatly near the saffron color couch.

The man later dropped himself next to Jinki who’s lounged himself there, checking his phone halfheartedly.

“Minho texted me the other day.”

“Why did he keep texting you?”

The man with dark grey hair didn’t catch the frown hanging on Jinki’s face and buried his face to the dog’s belly, making him groaned again. He lightly pushed the dog further and toppled his head on the other man’s laps.

The dog owner realized something’s happened when he’s not around. He put the dog on the ground and tapped her butt to send her back to her small bed near the pantry.

“Minho has my number and I have his name in my contact list. He can text me whenever he wants. Still jealous?”

Jinki closed his eyes when he started playing with his hair, “He’s still one of the reasons we broke up.”

“Baby, the only reason we broke up is because neither of us didn’t want to succumb into marriage. Minho was just a handsome face happened on the wrong time.”

“I have no idea why I still befriend him when it’s clear he wanted to shove his face to yours, all the damn time.”

“And I have no idea that you’re this type who holds the grudge for a long time. We were already out of relationship back then.”

“Still, a friend wouldn’t openly chase after their friend’s ex.”

“A friend wouldn’t, but a best friend would.”

“Whatever.”

He almost lost his control and slapped Jinki’s head of him, “Oh, come on. What’s bothering you this time?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. It’s written all over your face the second I saw you behind the door. And I’m pretty sure it’s not because my daughter misbehaved while I’m on my annual pediatric conference.”

Jinki sighed, nothing he could really hide it from the other man. Since they were in their almost five years relationship, since they became best friends around three years prior.

“Minho invited me for a dinner night.”

“Wow, fancy,” actually Minho already texted him about the dinner a bit, how he wanted to introduce Jinki to some acquaintance he has, “He gave up on me so he went for the only option?”

“For the record, your mom agreed that I’m way much sexier than you.”

“Three years ago, before your cheek bones buried under those mount of fluffy fat.”

“Said a man who came to me and straight ahead told me I looked cute after leaving a piece of paper with their number on my table.”

“I will put aside the fact that I love how romantic you’re for still remembering our first meeting but let’s back to the right path here because I don’t like the upset you. It’s fucking annoying.”

“He introduced me to someone, Jonghyun.”

He let out inaudible gasp and thanked the universe Jinki’s still closing his eyes. Otherwise, he would stop at once and avoided any discussion of the main reason which distressed his ex-boyfriend. Knowing the scenario before hands didn’t prevent him with the sheer pain graze him when it came from Jinki’s mouth himself.

“So? Isn’t that great? Do you think it’s about time?”

“I was about to argue that two years are still not enough to get over you but I guess you’re not in the same page with me so I’d say that I’m not interested into some relationship whatsoever at this point.”

Jonghyun wanted to cry listening to such words. His heart clenched, he inhaled – a very long one – before he continued caressing Jinki’s forehead.

“I am flattered, but I know you’re just teasing me.”

“Ha, you know me so well.”

“I’m not gonna fall on the same hole, Lee.”

“You won’t. You’re too smart to repeat the torture on the loop.”

“It wasn’t a torture, Jinki. I love you as much as you do. Or maybe just slightly more.”

“Not a chance. I love you more.”

“Stop it or I will kiss you.”

“I dare you.”

“I told you I’m not gonna fall on the same hole.”

“Smart, very smart,” Jinki opened his eyes only to find Jonghyun sticking his tongue out, “Okay, so at first, I don’t like the idea already. You know I hate any type of match making method. Even the online one. But being there, I realized that my current focus doesn’t involved other party besides me, my business, and—“

“And your grandfather?”

Jinki looks annoyed, “Remind me to add ‘always-cutting-people-sentence’ on the list of reasons why I broke up with you when I’m writing my journal tonight.”

“It’s true. I think he was also the cock blocker during our relationship back then.”

“Dude, we’re talking about my gramps. And to put him on the same category with Minho is beyond weird.”

“We already broke up when Minho made his move, for Pete’s sake!”

“Okay, okay! No need to raise your voice, you’re so scary when you’re angry.”

“Then don’t make me! Now, now, can you please be a normal human being so we can talk like adults for once?”

Jinki pulled himself from the couch to the pantry, snatching a pack of cigarette on the tea table before slipped one on the corner of his mouth.

“Can you not smoking inside?”

He snorted and padded to the direction of his balcony. It’s in the middle of winter but he doesn’t care a bit to the wind ready to slaughter his bones. If tomorrow the cold prevented him to leave the bed, then let it be. For once, he just wants to free his mind from the business.

“You need to remember that I can only treat patient on certain age,” Jonghyun followed few minutes after with a blanket he spread as wide as possible to cover both of them without feeling suffocated for standing too close.

“The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends people be under pediatric care up to the age of 21, though.”

“Did you just quote Wikipedia? And we’re not in fucking States! Above and beyond, shame on your wrinkles!”

“Rude.”

“You’re the rude one to your lungs!”

“Then tell me how to ease my mind without nicotine! Tell me how to forget all those troubled night and just sleep! Do you think it’s easy taking care of worrisome business and messy family without distraction?! Stop talking non sense if you do know how to save my days!”

Any word seems taboo once Jinki exploded. Both man just staring into the dark evening below Jinki’s unit. People paraded as quickly as possible on the street to fight the harsh weather. It’s not that late, but only few cars passed by. The dim light of the street lamp’s soothing the tense atmosphere in a way.

Jonghyun leaned closer to Jinki’s arm and rested his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with that.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” 

“You know that you can always talk to me right?”

“I’m tired bothering you. You already have a lot in your hands.”

“Besides my patients and Roo, there’s nothing really confiscated my time.”

Having someone like Jonghyun who would stand next to him, scold him then hug him right after, no matter how awful he behaved and treated the other man, Jinki every so often thinking what kind of good deeds he did in his previous life.

Jinki cocked his head, inhaling the trace of scent of Jonghyun’s favorite shampoo. Initially, he was about to kiss the top of his head, like he used to do when the other man leaned on him for whatever reason it was. He remember, though, the earlier period after their broke up – after settling their feelings for few months of course – the shorter man told him not to do that anymore because it was the doctor’s Achilles heel. So instead, he rubs his cheek over the thick hair, silently telling Jonghyun he’s sorry.

Some nights – especially right after that dinner date – he had thought, maybe one of the reason he reprimands Minho’s idea is just because he still has tiny hope that Jonghyun and him might had another chance in the future.

“From time to time, I was thinking that the more day passed, we’re closer to the image of friends with benefit.”

“Friends with benefit? Tsk,” Jonghyun slapped his forearm, “The only benefit I got from you is you’re the only perfect nanny for Roo when I’m away.”

“Those cups of coffee every single time you stopped by my shop?”

“Pfft. How stingy. I’m leaving.”

“Heartless.”

Jonghyun didn’t say anything more and returned inside to gather his things and called Roo. He desperately needs some hot shower. Somewhere inside him, he was expecting Jinki offering him to stay the night knowing how caring the man and the fact Jinki knows he bolted to the other’s apartment right away after landed.  

When Jinki handed him the leash, that hope vanished in second.

“What if later I really considered this person? Or any other person collided with me on the future?”

Jonghyun smiled, he looks tired, but very sincere, “Then good.”

“Because I’m not gonna bother you anymore?”

“No. Because you’ll have someone to share the happiness with.”

***

cross-posted in my AFF

[christophersymes]

Celebrity Status

Celebrity Status, an ongoing L(G)B(T)+ story also on Wattpad and Quotev.

<– Previous / Next –>

Chapter Four

A month later, Jules had been down for a while. His depression was in full swing, with a baseball bat full of nails, directly in his face. He'd hardly even made it to class that day, let alone online, and hadn't even gone to work yet and felt like crying. It was taking a lot to do anything, and he felt awful because he wanted to talk to Not-Elías so bad, but couldn't think of words to say aside from

good afternoon

. And he'd hardly spoken yesterday or the day before either. He hated it.

Mason had been hearing less and less from Jules the past few days, even though he'd been sending an embarrassing amount of messages. Jules did message back most times, but when she did she was curt and sounded... off.

masonfucker1000: jules

masonfucker1000: hope ur days going okay

masonfucker1000: hey what if humans were like bees and we had smth like a fucking stinger and if we killed someone w it we died and it was the only legal way to murder

masonfucker1000: i was hanging out w some friends and we ended up playing nerf guns and i somehow got a foam bullet down my pants

familyjules: ah, the only other thing you've ever gotten down ur pants.

masonfucker1000: hey are you okay? im kinda getting worried

masonfucker1000: if someone else threw a salad at you ill kick em

familyjules: afternoon, not-elías.

masonfucker1000: afternoon!! FINALLY!! juliet hath emerged! hey what's been going on???

♦️

Juliet.

He called him Juliet.

Jules froze, staring at the message, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. He hadn't told him, no, but still... He was Jules. Jullian. Anything except Juliet.

He stared at it, then grumbled to himself. "Juliet. Not. Fucking. Juliet." He got out of the truck and slammed the door, angry now that he even had to go to work. He stood by his truck, still staring at the message, then accidentally threw his phone on the concrete in the parking lot and stomped on it.

Then he realized what he'd done. Fuck. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it! Whatever." He picked up the pieces and pocketed the SIM card, telling himself he'd just buy a new one tonight after work and ship it to his house. He was enough of a dumbass already.

He tossed them in the dumpster as he went inside.

Mason frowned when there was no reply. An hour passed, even. Nothing.

A day.

masonfucker1000: jules? are you okay?

Jules was still upset, and still had no fucking phone.

Two days.

masonfucker1000: jules, please if i did something just talk to me

And a day after that, he was still upset, but at least he had a phone.

Three. Jules had never gone three days without at least a half-assed two word message.

Whenever he was home, he just stared at the message, fuming. Not-Elías had called him Juliet. He had to know him somehow, then, and by his deadname.

On the third day, the anger got bad enough he ended up messaging.

familyjules: how the fuck do you know my name and why are you doing this

Mason had been having lunch with the band when he got the message. He dropped his slice of pizza, mouth still open in shock. His eyes widened, and he excused himself, muttering under his breath that he'd be right back.

masonfucker1000: shit dude, what? juliet?

masonfucker1000: I just sort of guessed that's what it was short for

masonfucker1000: what do you mean???

Jules scoffed, opening Rabbit as fast as he could and sending Not-Elías a link.

As soon as he entered the room, Jules glared at the camera.

"My goddamn name is not Juliet, so stop calling me that. I don't know who the fuck you are, but you must know me and want to get to me now for some reason, so just... fucking stop being a dick—"

Mason gaped at Jules as she immediately started yelling and threatening at him. Jesus fuck.

"—and tell me the truth before I have to figure it out myself and beat your fucking ass. I'm not in the goddamn mood to be led on some goose chase and deal with bigots like you or deal with people who hold some stupid grudge against me. Leave me alone if that's the fucking case, or I will figure shit out and do something."

Not-Elias: jules geez

Not-Elias: holy shit

Not-Elias: i dont understand why youre so angry but im sorry if i pissed you off okay?

Not-Elias: i wont call u that anymore

Not-Elias: message me when you've calmed down

Not-Elias left the room.

Jules was still angry when he left the room. He ended up closing it too, only to reopen it later that night, as well as the fansite. He private messaged Not-Elías a link, promising in some garbled text not to yell again.

familyjules: rabb.it/familyjules pls cone ib i promize not to yellll i midd u

familyjules: misa u

Mason had been thinking about.... whatever that had been with Jules. She'd called him a bigot and talked about grudges. And Juliet was a definite no. He had a theory he was a bit too freaked to think much on. He frowned when he got a just barely comprehensible message. God, was Jules crying or something? He immediately clicked the link.

Jules was leaning back in the chair, pouring himself a shot from the bottle of vodka, singing a Nosam song along with the YouTube video. "Not-Elías!" he exclaimed, speech a little slurred, grinning. He leaned forward too fast and spilled half the shot on his shirt. "Whoops."

He downed the rest to prevent more spillage and then took a sip of Coke. "Hi, I wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier and yelling at you because it's obvious you're not anyone from high school because you're good unlike them. They couldn't even fake it. And I wanted to explain— I'm trans and I was bullied, and I miss you a lot but I've been sad a lot lately and it's cold and cold is triggering and I'm gonna drink more now." He poured himself another shot.

Mason's eyes widened in surprise at the state Jules was in. And then he was concerned. Very concerned.

Not-Elias: is that vodka?

Not-Elias: careful!

And then he froze as Jules spoke. Trans.

Fuck. So, okay. Mason didn't know himself that well after all. That's fine. It was okay. He tried to convince himself of that even if he felt a little nauseous and increasingly out of control.

He'd been such a dick when he was younger. Defensive, reckless, disrespectful, not caring about anyone else and keeping emotions bottled in. He had pretended to be confident, created a version of himself for everyone else and believed it. And once he'd been called out by so many, by Chris, he'd realized what he'd turned into: this sexist, queer-phobic prick, like a jock straight out of a movie.

He worked so hard to figure out why and relearn how he thought about things, about people, thinking about things he said to make sure he wasn't hurting anybody. He spent so much time learning himself inside and out. Actually starting to like himself for once, no more surprises. And even if his chest was aching and he couldn't breathe from hearing Jules say that, he knew he liked Jules a lot. He knew he had to deal with it.

He wasn't straight.

But he didn't know what to think— his own secrecy had been different— but— of course they weren't dating, and online— and Mason couldn't possibly pretend he knew what being trans was like. Whatever reason Jules had had for not telling him was probably a good one, even though it hurt. Mason realized he hadn't responded, and frankly didn't know how.

Not-Elias: okay

Not-Elias: youve def been drinking too much

Not-Elias: jules

Not-Elias: why didnt you tell me?

Mason paused, biting his lip. He didn't want to sound mad, but he was kind of upset. And he deserved to know why, didn't he?

Jules knocked back the shot, then leaned forward to read his messages. "I said I was bullied... They did some online too and I'm super scared about the fansite being a lot of people who could gang up on me sometimes—" Jules's lip trembled a little and he shook his head and touok a deep breath. No crying in front of Not-Elías.

"I was scared when I started thinking more and liking you, 'cause you were new and different and I was having fun talking to you, but you said you were cis and straight and it was actually real hard to even tell you I'm bi. And it's okay if you don't like me now cause you're straight and I'm a dude, I understand that."

Mason frowned at how Jules looked close to tears, instantly angry at everyone who'd hurt her— who'd hurt him.

His stomach turned as he thought about all the times he misgendered him. Oh God, he suddenly felt really sick. All of those shes and hers crawling up his throat.

Not-Elias: oh jules

Not-Elias: no i

Not-Elias: i like you

He bit his lip. Get over it, Mason.

Not-Elias: i guess i'm just gay. go figure

Jules wiped at his face with his shirt, then remembered there was vodka all over it and pouted a little, staring down at it.

Whoa, there was a flash. Mason's breath caught. He definitely saw a nipple and— fuck. But, oh God, was Jules drunk.

Not-Elias: listen do me a favor, baby, no more shots, yeah?

Not-Elias: put the vodka away

Yes, it felt a little weird calling Jules baby for a moment, knowing he was a guy, but it still felt right. Mason was fucking gay.

Oh, poor Andrew. All alone.

Jules read the messages and wanted to cry even more. He felt so silly for hiding it for so long, especially if it was going like this. "Are you sure?" he asked, staring at the messages.

And then the few about the vodka came through and he pouted, though he was blushing a bit at being called baby again. "But I don't wanna. Tomorrow's my day off and drinking is fun!" He grabbed the bottle, cradling it against his chest. "'S like my baby."

Not-Elias: im sure

Not-Elias: a hundred percent

Not-Elias: even if youre a complete mess

Not-Elias: and you've drunk

Not-Elias: youre drunk

Not-Elias: too much more and youll be poisoned

Not-Elias: ill be your baby instead

Jules grinned, leaning forward. His leg was bouncing now. He set down the bottle. "All right," he said. "But you're my baby now. You gotta come hug me."

Not-Elias: nice okay thank you

Not-Elias: u should drink water if you can

Not-Elias: oh i want to. i will

Mason hated this, not being able to talk to Jules. Especially when he was in this state. He needed comfort, and Mason wanted to give it and— damn it, he wished he could just turn on his camera. Maybe he should. He seriously considered it and— no, not right now, when he was drunk.

Jules tuned into the music again and gasped, grinning. He sang along a little, nodding and getting up to get water like he was told, completely forgetting he was in just a tank top and underwear— not even boxers, just underwear. He came back still singing, then lifted the water so Not-Elías could see it. "Water."

Mason whined a bit as Jules stood up, looking away a second later, staring at the tour bus ceiling. Why did the world want to be so generous yet so cruel?

Not-Elias: and you said you're not a singer

Not-Elias: good! drink up!

Jules grinned, taking a drink and leaning back a little in his chair. "Oh—uh— is there anything you want to listen to? Or watch?"

Not-Elias: uhhhhhh

Not-Elias: spongebob?

Jules nodded, opening up Amazon Prime and attempting to search for it. He misspelled it a few times, but got it in the end. "Oh, this is the best episode," Jules said, grinning and hovering over the Bubble Bowl episode.

They watched one and a half episodes, during which Jules had moved from the chair to his bed, putting the laptop on the chair. Mason honestly wasn't paying all that much attention to Spongebob. Jules was so cute, his drunk commentary endearing.

At some point Mason realized Jules had fallen asleep. He smiled, eyes going soft.

He barely thought about it when he turned on the mic.

"Goodnight, Jules."

Jules, fast asleep, groaned a little. "G'night," he mumbled. "Lub you."

Mason's heart jumped to his throat.

"Jules? Are you awake?"

He blushed hard, cheeks hot. He probably wouldn't mention that part to Jules in the morning.

"Nuh uh," Jules hummed, pulling the blanket over himself better. "'m sleep."

Mason laughed lightly. "Really? Sleeptalker, huh? I'll let you sleep. Talk to you in the morning."

Mason had turned off his mic and hadn't even noticed he had fallen asleep.

"Mason? Why're you still on your computer? S' the middle of the night."

Mason jerked awake, blinking as he looked at Jules on-screen and then at Chris on the top bunk across, leaning over the bed and frowning at him sleepily.

Mason sighed, rubbing some sleep out of his eyes. "I think I'm gonna tell Jules," he said.

"What?" Austin grumbled from below Chris, turning and blinking wildly at Mason. His wavy hair was sticking up in all directions, like static or that kid from Meet The Robinsons.

"He said he's gonna tell Jules," Andrew growled from above Mason, grumpy from being woken up, but listening, blankets tugged tight over his otherwise naked body.

Chris supported his chin on his hand as he tried to get a better look at Mason's face. He was serious. "What changed finally?"

Mason sighed, panic returning as his brain turned the lights back on and told him he was supposed to be freaking out. "It keeps getting harder. And we didn't talk for a bit and— last night— tonight he— he's trans. And he was drunk— "

"Wait— "

"Did you say— "

Mason groaned, dropping his face into his pillow. "Don't--"

Andrew wheezed from above him. "Fuck."

"You're— "

"I get to say it! You dumbasses got to come out," Mason whined as he sat up. "I'm not straight. Probably, uh, pan."

Austin started laughing sleepily as he leaned up on his elbow to properly make fun of Mason.

"I saw it coming," Andrew mumbled. "But fuck you."

Chris bit his lip worriedly. "Okay, but remember when that one fan gave out your number and address even though the address was fake, but you had to change your number and— "

Mason sighed loudly. "Yes, I remember."

And he did remember. He'd thought about it quite a bit, all the worst case scenarios. Jules being pissed off at being royally catfished and outting him to the world in the worst way possible, or Jules being way too happy and outting him and not really caring about him, or Jules just completely cutting him off in shock and outrage. Mason shook the thoughts away. "Jules isn't like that. I just— I want her— him to know, I'm sick of lying."

Austin shrugged. "Okay. Your choice, man. Go for it."

Andrew hummed in agreement, giving the idea a thumbs up that Mason didn't even see, already falling asleep again. Chris sighed and smiled, "I'm sure you're right. You're a good judge of character."

Mason smiled, "Thanks."

In the morning, Jules woke up to find he'd fallen asleep on Rabbit with Not-Elias. He smiled, nuzzling his face against the pillow. He was so cute. So good. He remembered getting drunk and telling him everything, and he'd taken it in stride, just accepting...

He sighed, staring at the icon of Mason on the screen. He wished he knew him. This was just making him want to date him more, though he knew his own rules and didn't want to break them. It felt kinda shitty to feel like that, though, especially since Jules wanted to just... live, really, but it felt like there was always something holding him back. He wiped at his eyes, realizing he was crying a little. God, he was so pathetic.

Mason woke up again to see that Jules was awake. He smiled, then noticed he seemed kinda sad. Mason got up, washing his face and brushing his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror for a moment. Well, he looked as good as he usually did, he guessed. He guessed? Fuck. He was nervous. He groaned and put on a hoodie, yawning as he walked past the bunks and sat down, putting his earphones in.

Not-Elias: good morning! how're you feeling?

Jules jumped a little at the message tone, wiping his eyes again to make sure any trace of tears was gone. He disguised it as sleepy rubbing his eyes and smiled. "Morning, Not-Elias. I feel..." Jules considered telling the truth, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He settled on one thing. "Hungover. Kinda tired. My head hurts a little. How are you feeling?"

Not-Elias: a little flipped upside down, honestly

Not-Elias: but uh, overall, pretty good

Not-Elias: okay, actually im a little nervous

Not-Elias: hey

Not-Elias: do u know what would be cool

Not-Elias: u should play me some bass

Jules smiled. "I'm glad you're feeling okay, though. I mean— What happened is... a lot, probably. If you need to talk, I'm here. And you really want to hear me play right now? I— uh— okay." He leaned over, picking up his bass from the stand by his bed.

"I wonder if I can play it laying down." He plucked a few strings, then shifted his hands to play it. He laughed a little. "I guess I can... God, you have no idea how many times I've dropped this thing. I'm shocked it still plays." He lifted it up, grinning.

Mason smiled, watching him fondly as he grabbed the bass and played around with it, rambling and laughing. What was he even going to say? 'Hi, I'm not Elias, I'm Not-Elias, with a dash' or 'I'm Not-Elias, AKA Mason Hill AKA masonfucker1000 AKA an asshole?' or even 'Hey, it's Mason, please don't be mad at me or post about this?'.

God, everything he could think of was woefully lame. It was like his nerves had turned him into Chris.

"There's actually a really bad scratch somewhere on here, I think it's on the back... I dropped it when I first got it because my parents told me some shit, I don't even remember what, but it scared me. Oh— oh, I think it was when my grandpa died. They told me and I just... dropped it. It's funny now, because like... y'know, that was my grandpa, but— "

Mason couldn't take it any longer. He moved the mouse, cursor hovering over the camera icon. It seemed easier to do it when Jules was occupied, it made Mason less nervous than when he was looking at the screen. He turned his mic on first, then his camera, smiling. "Uh, hey," he said softly to get his attention. Hey wasn't exactly what he had wanted to say first, but fuck it. His heart was thumping in his ears.

[amethystblack]

I've got a question, I messaged you quite awhile ago telling you that you were an inspiration to me as a closeted trans girl. I was curious as to how you started on your journey for all of it, it seems quite overwhelming at first. You don't have to answer this publicly if you don't want to ^.^

well, I don't mind... of course there's always that veil of anxiety in talking about this kind of thing, but i don't really believe in keeping quiet about that kind of thing, especially if it could help someone else.

so... how i started on a journey. well, i wonder...

to tell the truth, i wasn't really responsible about it at first. i was already in university by the time i realized this was something i needed to do. i'd done enough research to understand that it's hard to reverse many effects of T-- so i felt like the younger i started the better. i was always getting older, and therefore i felt like, i was always getting worse (as in, more masculine). the pressure was on. i had been very lucky to be able to pass, in terms of both appearance and voice, even before treatment, but i was worried the longer i waited the more of that i would lose (and i think i wasn't wrong. the last year before i started felt... especially harsh).

of course to start hrt you gotta get approved by a therapist, and gosh, that can take forever, you know? if it happened at all. the process was certainly daunting, and i'm historically not the best at talking about myself anyway. plus money... i really wasn't keen on the matter. i didn't think i had that kind of time. so, i was referred to a certain website of questionable legality where i could order hormones for myself. rather impulsively, i went for it.

i didn't want to tell my parents. i didn't want to tell my family. i didnt think they'd understand. if it meant being happier with myself, i'd resolved to just cut them off entirely anyway. i'd find a place to move out to, i thought, by the time that effects started showing. i'd make it work. this was naive.

and in the first place, it never had a chance because my mom actually intercepted the package i ordered when it arrived-- apparently a box from new zealand is out the ordinary??? nonsense. anyway i was super evasive about it and made up some lie to cover it and she made me send it back and i was a Sad. in retrospect, this was probably a good thing. the friend who had referred me to that site got in some trouble for it later on and wasn't able to transition fully... i sincerely think that that is a major component of why she chose to take her own life.

my girlfriend at the time was pretty critical in the matter. i had actually told her some time in the past-- which lead to her breaking up with me. eventually we got back together and she was an irreplacable support for me. especially as i was first transitioning, she lent me a lot of clothes and helped me shop for other ones, which was huge for the sake of getting me started.

eventually i had to accept the fact that i'd have to at least tell my mom if i wanted things to work out. she had always told me she'd support me if i was gay-- but this was a bit different. i didnt think she'd be ready for it. i wasn't wrong. when i finally came out to her i was able to in no small part because my girlfriend was there with me. my mother didn't really take it well at first. she started crying-- and saying some less than helpful things. but it became clear that she was mostly concerned for my safety above all else... in the weeks following she did some reading on the matter and came around to it fairly well. i was surprised.

my girlfriend and i eventually broke up. the bottom line was i was way too uncomfortable with myself to continue being intimate, and that didn't work for her. it was a nasty break, but the harsh end encouraged me to just go full time. i'd seen that i wasn't going to be happy with myself otherwise. but i had a year and so of classes in uni left, and i was -all- kinds of nervous about it. the advantage that i had was that for the past 2-3 years, i had talked to barely anyone on campus at all. i had been really uncomfortable with myself, so i just avoided everyone... meaning nobody knew me. i wouldn't have to worry about being recognized at all.

... except for by those from my on-campus job. although i knew my employers were the type who would have supported me, our clients were the type who absolutely would not have-- so i made the choice to withdraw. i found a job at a tea shoppe in my neighborhood instead. it was family owned and i made sure the owner supported me beforehand. i often felt out of place there-- but it may have just been the dysphoria (and my boss, despite being supportive, was a very Intense person which totally didnt help at all)... nevertheless, it got me through.

thanks to that, i was able to afford therapy. i found therapists known specifically for gender therapy just so i could get the letter to a physician to approve HRT. i picked the closest one and started meeting with her ASAP. i was really more interested in the letter than actual treatment there, but even so for the most part, i found that i just needed to answer honestly and it worked out fine. the therapist had some key points to ensure before approving me-- first, that i had experience living full time. check. second, that i could come out to my family-- not so check.

she and my mom eventually convinced me to come out to my grandmother, and my father. i felt the rest of the family would be fairly "sure, whatever" about it, but those were the two i was most worried about. i came out to them both by email. my grandmother is a classic right wing christian-born trump-supporting ol' gal, and she is also very particular about how she prefers people and matters of the family to be. ...but defying all expectation, she accepted it without any hesitation, and expressed some amount of disappointment that I didn't feel like I could trust or rely on her for that kind of thing in the first place. So okay, point taken. To this day she still struggles with remembering to use the correct pronouns, but we have kind of a running joke with it... at one point she messed up and she was just like "oh! shucks, just call me Harold." misgender for misgender i guess. still awkward when it's in public-- but kind of funny, and i know she means well.

then there was my father. his initial response to my email was basically a brief paragraph refuting the reasons i'd justified being trans with, and telling me why, in psychological terms, they probably were not actually the case. but frankly that was about what i expected. he and i have been rather distant, and he was not the most accepting or open kind of person in the first place. later that summer we met for the usually one time per year we typically get to see each other. he asked me what i wanted for my birthday. i told him that the only thing i wanted was for him accept me for who i was. he got me a 3DS instead.

but he eventually quietly came around though, i think. to tell the truth intimate discussions are not something we really have so it's hard for me to know his true feelings-- but at the least he goes along with it.

then there were just classes. i hadn't changed my legal name yet so i was still on the roster with some wrong information. so on the first day of class, i pulled each teacher aside and explained my situation to them. the campus policies were in my favor, so they had to oblige when i asked them to refer to me appropriately. fortunately they all seemed very understanding about the matter. i'm lucky to live in a city like this after all. i was able to reach out to other students a little more that year. at the least, i had a few people i could have considered friends, even if i never saw them out of class. but avoidant habits are hard to break. in the end, i graduated without making any lasting connections from university. i would chose not to walk at my graduation ceremony, for the obvious reason.

at some point during that school year my therapist finally approved me to transition. god bless. after reviweing the options i decided to get my hormones from planned parenthood. did you know planned parenthood offers transitioning hormones??? i sure didn't. anyway pls no defunderino thx.

and then i found something out-- i was under the impression that, of course, i wouldn't be able to have biological kids after surgery, but i had not known that HRT would rule that out as well. i wasn't really sure if i wanted to-- and even now i'm ambivalent. but i figured i should leave the door open for it. so despite being approved, i paused everything and took some time and a lot of money dear god what, to store cells for the future in case i ever do decide i want kids. that ended up taking frankly way too long. when it was over with i jumped back on that HRTrain ASAP.

the process of changing names was... tedious, and drawn out, but ultimately unremarkable. there were various forms to fill out and turn in and state regulations, fees, gotta visit this office except jk that's the wrong one try this one except jk that's the wrong one too try this one except jk does this office even actually exist???? and eventually i had to stand in front of a judge and hope he approved it. he took one look at the forms and approved it without even announcing the reason (as i saw him do for other people there) so that was really considerate of him. i was ready with like a full essay in defense, but in the end it was totally okay.

as for the HRT... i mentioned before i felt like i was always getting worse, you know, right? of course due to the nature of hormones, after i started taking them it would be a couple weeks before they kicked in... but it was an immediate improvement for me. from the first night, it completely turned around. everything was getting worse-- no. from then on, it was always going to get better.

oh... and there was one more place i forgot i had to come out to... reborn. people online always "mistook" me for a girl anyway, and that was always a huge compliment to me. so i think a lot of people weren't really surprised. the most awkward thing was actually... my in-game character. the game was already four episodes in or so and i had just used my generic custom trainer sprite from the site generator before for the intro... haha, it's a little silly, but for a long time i had just been editing it a little bit by bit to make it more feminine. it was a little too long before i actually completely replaced it.

...anyway, that was the start of things. beyond long-winded, but hopefully some of it can help somehow. honestly before and after transitioning is really like night and day, so hang in there. i promise it'll be worth it, and you'll surprise yourself in ways you'd never expect.

[fialleril]

what didnt you like about VLD S2? I'm curious

Okay so I know I promised a full post about this, but I gotta be real, I have a very limited supply of energy these days and there’s not much I want to dedicate to this. So. Instead of giving you the whole long, detailed list, I’m just gonna list the three most upsetting things about this season.

Under a cut for anyone avoiding spoilers.

1. Pretty much everyone, with the possible exception of Coran, felt out of character. Pidge was fantastic in episode 1 and episode 4, but spent the rest of the season as little more than a walking plot device. Hunk could have been replaced by a pod person in almost every episode and nothing about the season would change. (...in fact, if he was, that might actually explain a lot.) Lance actually fared a little better: we got some glimpses of his insecurities that will hopefully see more development in season 3, but for the most part he had two notes: flirting and getting angry/defensive about Keith. Even Shiro (who I honestly wouldn’t have thought I could ever have beef with) was...weirdly domineering in his interactions with other characters this season. I’m particularly not happy with the way that Shiro seemed to be leading all the meetings and making all of the final decisions, when last season all important decisions were made as a team, and while Shiro was Black Paladin, Allura was ultimately the leader of team Voltron. And while I did enjoy seeing more of Shiro’s friendship with Keith, his relationships with pretty much everyone else got almost entirely dropped. Shiro and Pidge (who had one of my favorite dynamics in season 1) had about 5 seconds worth of a bonding moment in this entire season. I don’t think Shiro spoke to Hunk even once, and his main interaction with Lance was to chew him out.

2. Keith himself...well, I won’t say he was out of character, since he received very little character development in season 1. But I won’t lie: I never wanted to see Galra Keith happen, mainly because I feared that if it did, it would turn out...well, exactly the way it did turn out. Keith’s story was the main focus of the season, and other characters faded into the background (or in Hunk’s case, had their brief moment in the spotlight, in which they acted nothing like the people we met in season 1). Even the issue of Galra resistance fighters took a back seat to the idea of Keith as a Galra, and the frankly bizarre reactions to that.

Here’s just a couple of reasonable reactions the characters should have had to the Galra Keith reveal, but inexplicably, no one did:

Someone should have voiced the possibility that this was a trick, meant to sow dissension among the Voltron paladins, or possibly to trap Keith or even Shiro. (That wouldn’t have been true, of course, but it is a reasonable possibility for our heroes to consider.)

Keith has a mysterious Galra knife, which the secretive members of a Galra organization say can only be activated by Galra blood. We have no other evidence that this is true. Keith also doesn’t understand / remember key elements of his past. So, we have someone who possesses a Galra weapon he doesn’t fully understand, and who has memory issues. That sounds an awful lot like Shiro. Shiro who can also access Galra tech. Given everything our heroes have seen and experienced of the Galra so far, it makes more sense that they would draw a connection between Shiro and Keith’s experiences than that they would instantly jump to the conclusion that Keith is actually an alien.

3. Which brings me to my biggest beef of all: the way this season treated Allura. We were promised that Allura would get a major arc in this season, but she spent about half of the episodes doing literally nothing. I mean literally. There were multiple episodes where her entire plot line was her vague annoyance about being left behind in the castle and having nothing to do.

Partly that’s a function of Shiro taking over the leadership role that was shared much more equally between them in season 1. With Shiro making most of the calls, the writers couldn’t find anything for Allura to do. But there would have been a very simple fix for that. They could have, oh I don’t know, written her as the leader she was in season 1.

When she finally did get an arc, it was an arc in which she learned to let go of her prejudice against the Galra.

Yeah. That’s right. A genocide survivor learned an important lesson about #NotAllGalra.

I’m furious about that. So furious that I even have difficulty enjoying the season finale, which is unquestionably the strongest storytelling in this season.

I called Haggar being Altean back in season 1, but now I honestly wish she wasn’t. Because that reveal follows almost immediately on Allura’s apology to Keith.

So now we’ve got a genocide survivor not only learning a lesson about #NotAllGalra, but then finding out that, in fact, probably the evilest person in this universe (and the probable architect of the genocide) is a member of her own people.

There’s so much bullshit there I honestly don’t even know where to begin.

[wittywallflower]

So I clicked on some clickbait on FB, as one does, and started reading 25 Things Wrong With Gilmore Girls We All Choose To Ignore thinking “I’m not gonna get defensive on every little point because no media, even my faves, are perfect”. And several of the points made were actually good points that highlighted problematic elements of the show.

But. Plenty of the points still left me with Things To Say.

I’m not gonna touch on all 25, feel free to click the link to see them all. But here’s the ones I decided to nitpick about:

19. STARS HOLLOW'S WEIRD OBSESSION WITH RORY

"Seriously, were there no other cool kids in Stars Hollow for the entire town to creepily focus its attention on? Everyone is obsessed with Rory – Taylor basically forces her to be Queen of Stars Hollow and everyone else is thinks the sun shines out of her forehead for literally no reason.

Sure, she’s nice and the whole “it takes a village to raise a child” idea is endearing, but at the end of the day, the Stars Hollow residents’ level of investment in Rory Gilmore is creepy, inappropriate, and kind of annoying. What about Lane?"

I feel this entry has a little tunnel vision. The show is about the Gilmores so the focus is on Rory as the cool kid the town loves. But i see plenty of evidence the townspeople act similarly towards other kids, not just Rory. Everyone in town knows what Mrs. Kim is like but instead of respecting her parenting decisions, they are happy to slyly aid and abet Lane in breaking all her rules. They give her rehearsal space and hire her band for events. They dont tell Mrs Kim when they see Lane change into a Sex Pistols tshirt in a phone booth (example invented: we all know it was the Dead Kennedys) Dean is in town for like 2 minutes before everyone (including people who haven’t met him yet) know he is looking for a job and they all start comparing notes on where he should work. I think there is enough evidence in those glimpses to suggest that SH adults are like this with more kids than just Rory. We just dont see a whole about many SH kids. Frankly we get to see more about some of the Chilton’s kids (I know exactly where Louise’s father is (prison) yet no fucking clue about Mr Kim).

THE GILMORES ARE IMPOSSIBLY JUDGMENTAL

"Okay, we get it, the Gilmores were dysfunctional. It made sense that after the first few seasons of them getting to know each other again they would still hit roadblocks.

It took Emily and Richard nearly seven years to give Lorelai the credit she deserved.

We get that they wanted her to succeed on a higher level than she already was, but after seven years of Lorelai insisting on living her life the way she wanted to, the most Richard and Emily could do was basically give her a punch on the arm in the series finale. That made both of them seem more emotionally stunted than they actually were.”

This is where i started to wonder if the author of this listicle had actually… met real life people. They WERE emotionally stunted in more than one way, but also they were prideful. Pride will make it so people refuse to bend even when they know they are wrong. Especially when they know they are wrong. I find this completely realistic and it makes sense to me because I know people whose parents still haven’t forgiven them for choosing a different college than their parents wanted them to attend and well into their kid’s (successful) adult life were casting shade on their career choices because of it. This isn’t something that is “wrong with the show” (the entire premise of the listicle), this is something that is a negative personality trait of two characters.

16 THE STARS HOLLOW VORTEX

“Part of the charm of Gilmore Girls was the idyllic town of Stars Hollow. It was adorably and sometimes painfully charming, but at the end of the day provided a dreamy backdrop for the real-life difficulties Lorelai and Rory faced regularly.

The show made it seem as though no one in Stars Hollow had any ambition to do anything else but to live out their lives in Stars Hollow.

Neither Lane nor Dean go to college and both settle there, and none of the adults have lives that take them out of Stars Hollow. It’s completely self-contained and kind of weird.”

This is making so many assumptions about characters whose backstories were never developed. Did Gypsy live in SH all her life? Did Sookie and Jackson? Did the town troubadour? For all we really know, Taylor backpacked through Europe and served in the Marines before he turned into Taylor...

Lane toured with her band, which was her goal from the second she fell in love with that drumset. Who knows what else she would have done if she hadn’t gotten pregnant? (blame the babies, not the town!) Dean got married and then divorced. He talked enough about college that I feel he probably would have gone if he hadn’t decided to get married too young.  

Patty was on Broadway. Michel is from France. At what age did Mrs Kim move to Stars Hollow, even? the other characters were not the focus and so we never learned about their ambitions or their past. This entry gives me a vibe of coming from someone who just cant understand why life in a small town would be so appealing to so many different people. I cannot shake my assumption that OP is younger than i am by a decade or so.

15.LORELAI IS ACTUALLY REALLY UNGRATEFUL TO HER PARENTS

“Lorelai had a point about not wanting to live in her parents 'world, especially given how insistent they were that she do so while she was young. But once she struck out on her own and they had no choice but to accept that, she should’ve softened a little toward them.

Any help they offered she resented, to the point of hurting Emily’s feelings on a regular basis. Richard had to point out to Lorelai how devastated Emily was when her only daughter ran away because Lorelai had never thought to ask. It’s just too much.”

She should have softened to the people we were just saying were way too judgemental of her for Rory’s entire childhood? Accepted their help that always came with strings? And where would young Lorelai learn that emotionally mature tactic? From said emotionally stunted parents? She is Emily’s daughter as much as she doesn’t want to admit she is anything like her mother. The example she was given as she grew up was that if someone displeases you, you freeze them out. Hell, Lorelai even does that to her own daughter when Rory drops out of Yale.

Parents or not, Lorelai making nice to people who have berated her probably her entire life (if we judge by the flashback of Lorelai’s coming-out dress fitting), and definitely since she got pregnant is unreasonable to expect. They have criticized every choice she made up until midway through the series. Why does she owe them gratitude for anything except “thanks for feeding and clothing me till i started doing it myself literally as young as i legally could?

Also throwback to my talk about pride: Lorelai learned pride from her parents. She is less officious about it by far, but she still has the Gilmore pride. Plus she was a literal child herself the first couple years of Rory’s life. There were things she just couldn’t understand (like Emily’s devastation) until she experienced parenting a teen herself.

10.RORY'S ANTI-DIGITAL ATTITUDE

“Let's discuss Rory’s performance at her job interview with SandeeSays, the Buzzfeed-type company she considers a job far beneath her.

She shows up completely unprepared, she has no pitches to offer, and she generally comes across as completely entitled.

Her interviewer at SandeeSays was totally courteous, and Rory was totally shortsighted to act as though she was too good for a job there. That job has benefits, Rory Gilmore! Just who do you think you are and when did you start exemplifying entitled rich people stereotypes?”

Who does Rory think she is? The person who already got the job. Rory very clearly thought she had been offered the position, not offered the chance to interview for the position. Whether she thought that because of a misunderstanding, because of an unconsious sense of privilege, or because SandeeSays doesnt have a hiring manager to run these things smoothly, we don’t know… i’d guess a combination of all three. But SandeeSays repeatedly contacted her and asked her to come to them even when she kinda blew them off about it. That is just not normal for people to do for someone they just want to interview. But Rory though she was showing up for her first day on the job, not a job interview. We know Rory, she would have been over-prepared. She never would have worn that dress, she would have wore her Conde Nast dress. But she arrives and is asked to jump through a bunch of hoops for a job she didnt even want in the first place. They are reasonable hoops for a job interview like that. I would think someone showing up for a job interview in journalism without being prepared for that is a fool. But Rory didn’t know it was a job interview!!!

Also her interviewer at SandeeSays was pretentious and smug af, don’t lie.

9,WHY DID PEOPLE TOLERATE TAYLOR?

“Oh, man was Taylor Doose a a pill. He was pushy, selfish, vindictive and weirdly obsessed with his town. We can forgive the last one – everyone has a thing, but the rest of his behavior is rude at best and abusive at worst.

Yes, Stars Hollow is a magical fairyland that allows for everyone within it to live their idiosyncrasies, but Taylor Doose crossed the line.

He demanded whatever he wanted, abused his position by using it to push people around and then had the gall to get all mopey and depressed when Jackson beat him in the town selectman election. Get a job, man.”

Why do people tolerate Taylor? Because he is a white man with political power. (Granted its only a tiny bit of power that applies only locally. Taylor makes it seem like he controls a lot more than he does… or maybe not, since we do find out he owns like half the rental properties in town)

The author of this listicle seems young, like they havent been around. Its pretty realistic for people to put up with a shitty white man throwing his weight around. The only unrealistic part was that brief moment where he was mopey and depressed, but then Taylor did the realistic thing: he belligerently doubled down when he asked for a recall election.

That’s 100% authentic believable Shitty White Man behavior there. If anyone could explain why people tolerate it in real life, we wouldnt have Trump destroying the country rn. Art is just imitating life here.

6.MICHEL WAS NEVER FIRED

“While Sookie was brilliant comic relief, she also did her job fantastically well. Michel was great comic relief, but also literally the worst person to work customer service in the hospitality industry.

We almost never saw him do his job well.

In fact, we saw him shirk his duties so often it stopped being charming and started becoming ridiculous. There’s a way to write someone who hates working customer service but is actually good at customer service and make it funny. Michel just stopped making sense after a while. We still love him, though.”

Author of listicle has clearly never had a shitty boss that was terrible at their job and also a jerk. These people dont get fired nearly as often as they probably should.

the actual way this is super unrealistic is the fact that Michel didnt get fired despite being a black, gay, foreign man. If he was a white American dude, i wouldnt question it at all. (It would be more realistic for Sookie to get fired because despite being an amazing chef, she clearly hemorrhages money in the kitchen, scrapping entire menus when the perfectly edible vegetables aren’t perfect enough for her.)

And its not true we never see Michel do his job well. He did a great job as concierge in that scene when Lorelai and Sookie go to visit him at the other hotel he is working at while the Dragonfly is being built.

4.RORY COULDN'T HAVE GRADUATED ON TIME FROM YALE

“Rory took nearly a year off from Yale after a major breakdown – sometimes you need to take a break. But realistically, Yale is a demanding school. There is no way Rory could’ve made up all the credits necessary to graduate on time without taking summer classes, while still putting in considerable hours at the Yale Daily News as well as having a boyfriend and a social life.

While it was ultimately very realistic for her to finally crack under some pressure, the fact that she didn’t have to pay for the long break she took speaks to the inherent privilege at work on the show.”

IIRC Rory only missed a semester. (Remember she points it out when they are talking about electing a new head of the Daily News? when they nominate her she says “I did miss that semester so i dont have seniority”)  Which would be difficult to make up, but far from impossible... Rory has experience coming from behind and catching (Chilton). I don’t know exactly how credits work at Yale but in my own university experience, you’re only take a couple classes a semester. Remember Rory being upset that she had to drop a course because 5 classes was more than she could juggle. If she missed a semester of say 3 classes (a reasonable number if one of those courses was a lab or a difficult upper level course), she would only have to add an extra class to on to 3 semesters: her first semester back and then each semester the next year. She mentions taking extra classes (and being stressed by that). Things like independent studies also exist. Some schools give credit for internships (shadowing THE Mitchum Huntzberger would be worth one credit at least for a journalism major). The extra courses and eventually cracking under the pressure WAS Rory paying for the long break.

2.JACKSON LYING ABOUT HIS VASECTOMY

“This was so messed up. Not only did Jackson lie to his wife about something incredibly important, but he didn’t take other precautions to make sure she wouldn’t get pregnant. Sookie didn’t basically got pregnant through no choice of her own the third time and that is not something that is funny at all.

The show made light of it because Sookie and Jackson were never anything but comic relief, but this is a part of the show that absolutely does not hold up in any way shape or form. Shame on you, Jackson.”

I ain’t here to dispute this one but to chime in and agree. Shame on you, Jackson. This show is largely pretty wholesome and tbh i consider this to be one of the worst things one person does to another in the series. Completely devoid of any maliciousness, yes, he 100% did not intend it to happen but it did. Rory can steal a yacht and I’m like “whatever, they got the boat back intact, Rory probably even filled the gas tank later cuz she felt bad for stealing it” But Jackson knocking up a woman who did not want to have that baby because he was too cowardly to get snipped and then too cowardly to admit he didnt do it… is super uncool. (idk what kind of pressure exactly Sookie was putting on him to have the vasectomy. trying to force him into it would also be super uncool. But did Jackson even really try to make Sookie understand how very much he didnt want to do it? Neither party is innocent, but Jackson didn’t have to grow a whole baby so frankly, he gets my scorn)

1RORY ENDING UP BACK AT THE BEGINNING

“Part of what made Gilmore Girls so successful in the first place is that Rory and Lorelai went through very different experiences. That's why it made sense that they would relate on a friendship level as opposed to butting heads like Emily and Lorelai did.

Rory getting pregnant at the end of A Year in the Life kind of undermined a lot of the show.

It also felt really tacked on and contrived. Considering there was no second season promised at that point, it was a really strange way to end. It seemed odd to make Rory so driven and career-minded, only to lead her back to same place as her mother.”

Author of listicle is charmingly naive. That’s just life sometimes, kid. Shit happens to screw up our plans and goals. A lot of us end up more like our mothers than we wanted to when we spent out teen years swearing we wouldnt. Given Rory’s lifestyle of living out of boxes stashed at three different houses, jetsetting between Stars Hollow, Hartford, New York and London, being so stressed out that she continually forgets she has a boyfriend… who is surprised the girl missed a pill or two??

Accidents happen. There’s at least 3 major accidental pregnancies in the series that have life-changing consequences for the woman. 4 if we count Lorelai’s teen pregnancy that kicks off the entire premise of the show. I don’t see how it undermines the show when the show has clearly made an minor theme of this. They show that it can happen to anyone in any situation from a brand new bride like Lane who had dreams she wanted to pursue, to a happily married mother of two who wasnt planning a third, to a relationship that is actively in the stage of crumbling (a la Sherry).

Its not contrived. Its realistic. OP just hasn’t experienced enough reality to see that.