#and he had already spent most of his life sheltered and separated from everyone so . yeah.

[astrolavas]

it's sound weird, but i have headcanon that Hunter didn't go hexside, because he too old to shool(according to my feelings, at the end of the he is 16-17 y.o (except for the post-credits scene), and at that age it is already too late to go to school):p

i mean, well- in my opinion he rather certainly did go to hexside, since one of the things he'd said during his TTT monologue was "i'd like to attend hexside like a normal student and play flyer derby with my friends" and all of his "wishes" were supposed to sort of foreshadow his goals and his future (carving palismen, studying wild magic, etc etc) so i feel like it's safe to say he succeeded in becoming a hexside student as well. we also know he attended grom with the rest of his friend group, and like- since he's 16 before the timeskip (no canon certainty whether he's recently turned 16 or is going on 17 already though, but like... around 16 canonically) that means he'd get at least 1 year of school, but most likely 2+.

my personal headcanon is that he went to hexside for around 2 years (full or not quite, depending on when the school year starts in the boiling isles and how long it lasts; possibly even 3), and during that time he picked up a mentorship/apprenticeship at del's palisman carving shop, and after he graduated from hexside he started carving palismen professionally with the clawthornes (i like to think that he also takes some courses at eda's wild magic university in his spare time, simply cuz . funny uni hexsquad shenanigans)

[scatterbrainedbot]

Rat Sons AU: Character Introductions

Hamato Sho aka The Ancient One

more rambling & sketches:

(Had a bit of fun merging 03's Ancient One with bits of Rise's Splinter and Grandpa Sho, then started working on his origin story and was like fuck it! Guardians from 03! But for the Council of Heads from rise! but who are actually kinda more like the Ninja Tribunal from 03!! if they oversaw the world like the Guardians/Utroms! but were also kinda corrupt and uncaring of the lives of mortals and

the good news is now theres world building lore happening i guess, not just character lore??? is that good news??)

anywho, this is Grandpappy Sho!!

He's a little bit of a gremlin. Kinda rude, kinda sarcastic, kinda feral, and kinda very much had it with catering to the rules of 'polite society.' Basically, dudes survived some shit and has now decided that he will make that everyone elses problem too (/affectionate)

He lowkey resents his lineage and how he was raised, in the sense that he often wonders what life he could have lived if his youth was not fully devoted to "becoming someone worthy of the Hamato name." But he's actively trying to let go of all that and focus on being whoever he wishes in the present. Hence, gremlin.

A gremlin that is also, however, a freakin fantastic father figure (he swore to himself that his girl will literally never have to think about 'earning' any name, Hamato or otherwise; if she wants it, it is already hers, and wether she choses to keep it is entirely her own choice)

lol a lot of that was in present tense wasnt it? but yall know that aint quite true.....

tho, it might not quite be wrong exactly either...

[rat sons au masterpost]

(easier to read/separated contents below the cut! (super long))

—————————

HAMATO SHO aka THE ANCIENT ONE

Page 1:

Pronouns: He/Him

Age:???

Color Motif: ~desaturated sea foam green~

Last heir of the Hamato Clan lineage (by blood, at least)

As a young man, he spent decades training tirelessly to become a master of ninjutsu, molding himself into a perfect soldier, fully dedicated to maintaining his family's status as one of the most powerful names in Japan

Was selected to become a Guardian — an elite warrior chosen by the immortal Council of Heads to serve as an agent of their will. He served them for several years, increasingly resentful of their corruption and disregard for mortal lives

Abandoned his post after the death of a fellow Guardian (Tang Shen's biological father)

Disillusioned with both the Council of Heads and the world at large, Sho shifted his priorities from serving a 'Greater Good,' to serving his own needs and desires (and those of the people he cares about). He became very openly sarcastic, cynical and crass (he also found the way this horrified the neighbors to be freaking hilarious)

Did not think he would be well suited for caring for a child and really only expected to serve as a temporary shelter for Tang Shen until a proper family could be found for her, like maybe a few months or so at most?

Jokes on u, old man. Guiding a young Tang Shen through the routines of their daily life, watching her interact with the animals of the farm, teaching her how to do tasks so mundane he'd long since stopped thinking about them, Sho found he enjoyed the role of a parent more than anything else he'd ever done

Given his own experiences with abusive powers, Sho raised Tang Shen to be a very independent thinker, encouraging her to pursue her own sense of right and wrong, and to always be wary of those in power.

Though he trained her in both ninjutsu and the mystic arts (the good kind), Sho's greatest hope was to raise Tang Shen to make her own choices, and enjoy a life free of ancestral burdens or any ghosts from his past

Page 2:

As a Guardian, Sho underwent what he would later call an 'involuntary spiritual awakening.'

This granted Sho use of the Council’s powerful mystic techniques through the manipulation of his own spirit and will. These teachings were a highly coveted secret, granted only to those in the final stage of becoming a Guardian, and they were often deadly to learn

The Council taught that a human could only access the mystic arts if granted the ability through Their own will, that the technique was one of faith, a sort of forfeiting one's own spirit in exchange for power

Sho, along with Tang Shen's bio dad (oomph he needs a name), discovered a way to refine the techniques of the Council, to create their own source of mystic power without the Council’s influence, pulling from their own faith, emotions, and spiritual connections

Naively, the two told the Council of their findings. They believed that this new method of accessing the mystic arts would be a great benefit to both current and future Guardians, as it was far less damaging to the human body and mind

The Council disagreed.

Weapons that do not depend on you for ammunition are weapons that can turn against you, after all.

[transmalewife]

Alright, let's talk about attachment

I can’t find clear information on when exactly the non-attachment rule was added to the code. It was either soon before or soon after the great sith war. Either way, for the VAST majority of the existence of the Jedi, it wasn’t a thing. Jedi got married and had families for over 20000 years, then added the non-attachment rule, which ultimately led to their destruction. And before anyone tries to tell me I believe they deserved to be genocided, I don’t. I have never actually seen anyone say that, but I see people argue against it constantly, and imply anyone who doesn’t think the Jedi were perfect and blameless thinks that. I don’t think they deserved to die, I think they needed to change. And Yoda says that himself, many times. The Jedi weren’t prepared for the return of the sith, or the war. They had separated from the military 1000 years before, and the galaxy was in relative peace all this time, so the order’s role changed to one that worked very well with their rules. Detachment meant they could be impartial when overseeing political disagreements, lack of possessions meant they would be focused on the mission at hand and not prone to taking bribes, and distancing themselves from the general population meant they were more or less uniform, and could be trusted not to side with someone for personal reasons.

All of this falls apart once they become an army again. Impartiality is a flaw when they have to defend one side at all cost and not even allow themselves to consider compromise. Lack of possessions and attachment to people means they are prone to taking unnecessary risks, because they have nothing to lose, and do things like send 14 year olds into battle, thinking of the “greater good” over the safety of children. And the order being a monolith, with set rules and philosophy distinct from the rest of the population meant the Jedi trusted Dooku long after they should have stopped, because he used to be a Jedi after all, surely he still follows the code.

Now, I am not saying non-attachment is always bad, I think it served a very specific purpose in the order, and to some extent worked for many years. However.

Humans are a social species. Human babies NEED physical contact and affection to develop physically. Children need a stable, strong, and supportive relationship to their caregiver to properly develop psychologically. And after last year I don’t think anyone will argue that adults don't need connection with other people just as much. And not just shallow interactions, but open affection and love. Love of any kind, because claiming that the Jedi only forbid romantic love is just untrue. I think people tend to forget that "Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life. So you might say, that we are encouraged to love." isn’t the actual doctrine, it’s a literal pick up line that Anakin uses on Padme.

Ahsoka and Obi-Wan both get criticized by other Jedi for their entirely platonic attachment to Anakin, and vice versa. Now, humans are the most common species in the galaxy, and in the Jedi order. Many other species are near-human, so it’s safe to assume at least some, if not most of them also need that companionship and affection to develop and live happy and stable lives. I do believe that non-attachment is a valid philosophy and chosen path in life if done carefully and within reason, I just don’t think we have a single major character that actually applies to. And chosen is an important word here. Jedi don’t get much of a choice. I’m not trying to start the baby-stealing debate here. I hear the argument of ‘force sensitives are dangerous if left untrained, and said training should start as early as possible’. I think finding a way to deal with that problem was an insanely complicated decision, and taking children into the temple as young as possible is not a bad solution. I don’t entirely agree with not letting them see their families later, (especially since in legends Obi-Wan was allowed to visit his family, which implies Anakin couldn’t go free his mother specifically because he was already too attached), but the idea is sound. I do also understand that no one is forcing Jedi to stay in the order and they can leave for whatever reason at any time. But that isn’t exactly a free choice either. Leaving the order means leaving the only home you remember, the only people you know to make your own way in the galaxy, and staying with those people means you can never fully love them. It’s a difficult solution to a complicated question, and for the most part, it worked (not always, and not exactly as intended, but I’ll come back to that.) Children grew up in the order, were trained to control themselves and the force, and became Jedi who were impartial, patient, and balanced. But everything falls apart when you introduce someone who wasn’t raised in the temple.

In The Rising Force, 13 year old Obi-Wan had barely been off Coruscant in his life. He describes himself as sheltered and unaware of all the pain in the galaxy, and says it was done on purpose, so younglings wouldn’t have to face the dark side before they were ready for it. But Anakin had seen nothing but darkness, pain and injustice before he joined the order. He was severely traumatized, and while the temple might have had some ways of dealing with trauma and PTSD in adults, they had no experience in treating the same in a child, because their children were kept safe and protected. The idea of letting go of your pain and fear only works if you know you have a safe place to come back to, if you’ve spent the first decade or so of your life in the most protected place in the galaxy. Anakin spent the first decade of his life as a slave. He couldn’t let go of his fear, because fear was what kept him alive. Fear is not irrational if you are constantly in danger, it’s what protects you, keeps you aware of the limits you can push before you get punished. And that mindset doesn’t fade just because you’re out of that situation, especially if your only family, the closest person to you, is still facing that danger every day.

I’ve seen people use every excuse possible to explain why Anakin didn’t see his mother again to avoid blaming the council, including, and I shit you not, “He just didn’t have her comm number”. But to me that seems disingenuous, when we see in his first meeting with the council that they already consider him too attached. It's one of the main reasons they don’t want him to be trained, so it seems logical that they wouldn’t allow him to see her once he became a padawan. I also want to mention that what Yoda says, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” Is just… blatant catastrophizing. Right? Like we can all see that the escalation is not rational there at all. Maybe it could apply to something else, but not to a child who just left his mother for the first time in his life and went from a tiny dustball in the middle of nowhere to the most populated planet in the galaxy, and is now being tested by a bunch of old people with the power to decide his future. Obviously he’s afraid, and obviously he’s not dealing with it the way Jedi younglings do. That, in and of itself doesn't doom him to fall. Also what Yoda misses there is that suffering leads to fear. This is a closed loop, and one that has defined Anakin’s entire childhood.

Let’s come back to how the system doesn’t always work. The way I see it, most of the characters we see are attached. Obi-Wan is considered one of the greatest Jedi of his time. Windu describes him as “our most cunning and insightful Master—and our most tenacious”. And yet, he was not insightful enough to look past his love for Anakin, his attachment, and see how close to falling he was. Ahsoka was so attached to Anakin she refused to listen to Maul on Mandalore, refused to even consider the posibility he could fall. She was arguably the person with the best shot at preventing the empire forming at that point, and she loved anakin so much she doomed him and the entire galaxy. Aayla admitted to thinking of Quinlan as her father, and also, apparently in legends had a long relationship with Kit. Even Mace didn’t follow the code when he decided to kill Palpatine, which directly led to his death and the empire. He also indirectly caused the war to start. According to wookiepedia “Windu viewed Dooku as the shatterpoint of the entire Separatist movement, which meant striking Dooku down would theoretically end the imminent clone war before it even began. However, Windu's prior attachments to Dooku clouded his judgment.” I’m not even going to mention Kanan and Ezra, who are obviously family.

So basically everyone is attached and lying about it. How has no one thought that maybe this isn’t the healthiest way to live and tried to change the code? Well, I have a theory, and it’s Yoda. He was 900 years old when he died, and was on the council for the vast majority of his life. I can’t find when exactly he became grand master, but it’s safe to assume he held some degree of power over the entire order for most of a millennium. At the end of TPM he tells Obi-Wan “Confer on you the level of Jedi knight, the council does. But agree with your taking this boy as your padawan learner, I do not.” Then he reverses that decision by himself. So either he has the power to veto the council’s word, or who gets trained is entirely up to him. Either way, not great, considering his lifespan is so much longer than most Jedi, and therefore his approach to life is vastly different. Humans need love and closeness to live. However, while we don’t know much about Yoda’s species, it probably isn’t a social one. You could count all the characters of this species on two (human) hands, and Yoda lived in complete isolation for 20 years on Dagobah, and only went a little bit insane. They are naturally rare, and therefore probably lead solitary lives in nature. Moreover, Yoda outlived every master who trained him, and almost every padawan he trained himself, (there’s a great post about that here) so even if he wasn’t naturally predisposed to non-attachment, he would have had to learn it to deal with all the loss he had to live through over the years.

A lot of people think that Anakin fell because he had attachments, which is not true. He fell because of how his attachments played out and/or ended. The most obvious example being Palpatine, who used Anakin’s trust and friendship to groom him for over a decade and actively undermine Anakin’s trust towards anyone else, especially the order. (more on that here). Obi-Wan refused to take on the role of a father figure that Anakin tried to shove him into, so he turned to someone who did accept it. It’s not Anakin’s fault that it turned out to be the worst person alive, nor can we expect him to notice when he’s known Palpatine since he was a child. Another failure of jedi non-attachment, because a loving parent or guardian would not let their child be used as a bargaining chip when the most powerful politician in the galaxy blackmailed the order into allowing him to meet Anakin regularly, but a distant teacher and detached knight thinking of the greater good might. The other attachments Anakin had were taken from him (Shmi and Ahsoka, the last orchestrated by Palpatine who was fully ready to give her the death penalty to make Anakin more unstable), or he was forced to lie and hide them, compromising his vows as a Jedi (Padme) or refused to choose Anakin over the order/their principles (Obi-Wan, and again Ahsoka, and to some extent Padme, but he’d already fallen then). All these people had every right to make the choices they made, but it wasn’t the act of loving them that made Anakin turn to the dark side, it was how those attachments played out.

I think everyone agrees that Yoda is as detached as a Jedi should, if not can, be, and that didn’t prevent Dooku from falling. We see that explored in more detail with Barriss and Luminara. Luminara is detached and distant, she’s fond of Barriss, but their relationship is not familial in the slightest, and she repeatedly shows her willingness to put the greater good and the mission before Barriss’ safety and even life. And yet Barriss still falls. A complex combination of events and choices caused each of those characters to fall, not the simple presence or absence of attachment.

And lastly, just as attachment can make you unstable if your relationship with that person is unstable, it can also make you stronger. There is a reason Anakin and Obi-Wan were the face of the army. Not only did their obvious attachment (the strongest between two jedi we are shown) make them more relatable to the public, but they, when working as a team, are shown repeatedly to be more or less undefeatable. They spend half of aotc flinging themselves off great heights because they know the other will be there to catch them. They know from years of experience that they have backup and they know each other well enough (or force bond communicate) that they can trust the other will be where he needs to be to help/save them. Contrast that to how Windu and Palpatine fight in rots once the window breaks- very carefully, clearly holding back to keep themselves safe. Neither of them has backup until Anakin arrives, but until the last second they can't be sure which one he will choose. Anakin and Obi-Wan fight the same way on Mustafar, especially when balancing on that thin bridge. No acrobatics, swinging arms to keep balance, keeping their distance, being almost uncharacteristically careful compared to how they treated heights in aotc, in tcw, and on the invisible hand in rots, because they both know the other won't catch them if they fall this time.

[hajimesh]

𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁

⥅ eren jaeger / 1.8k words

warnings. manga spoilers, fluff and angst, gender neutral reader

a/n. my entry for anilysium's collab, don't forget to check the masterlist !! thank u sm temi for the beta ♡ @thefairywalker

hope is what makes someone hold onto a promise. and that hope it's worse than the broken promise itself.

—

845.

an autumn-like breeze cooled down the summer afternoon, and with the sky barren of any clouds, it was easier for the sun rays to land on those familiar blond strands.

"over there!"

eren's small hand—even though it was big enough to cover yours—wrapped around your wrist before it tugged you through the crowd. your rapid breaths were all you could hear while you mentally prayed to make it on time, just a couple more steps and you would be within reach, already staring at armin’s frightened face which caused your heart to jump. but what finally managed to send you in a state of despair was the sight of eren shoving the bigger kid away.

“what do you think you’re doing, yeager?!”

“are you hurt?” tears gathered at the corners of your eyes while you helped armin up on his feet, you didn’t have to turn around to know eren had received a punch, his pained wail making you flinch.

armin took your hand and together faced the scene before your eyes, holding onto each other's hands while tears dampened your cheeks.

“leave him alone!” the tremble in your voice was obvious, even after multiple fights with those kids it always ended up the same way. armin and you crying in fear for eren and mikasa's safety.

only this time mikasa was nowhere to be seen.

“shut up!” 

“don’t talk to them like that!” with a kick on the shin, eren managed to keep the bully out of commission for a few seconds. but that was enough for your saviour to arrive.

“leave before i call the garrison.”

relief began to relax your tense stance, you all knew that it wasn’t the moment to be wasting their time in a kid’s fight, the shortage of food seemed to worsen each day and keeping the people on a tight leash became harder as the days went by.

the kid seemed to finally realize he wouldn't win this time, so with a scoff he took a couple of steps back, "this isn't over," his annoyed gaze traveled from eren to you, "and try not to piss your pants next time."

the three of you watched him run away while the rush of adrenaline began to wear out on your bodies and gave in to the tiredness. had mikasa not intervened, the outcome would've been way worse.

"hey," eren was the first one to break the silence, turning towards you and landing a hand on your shoulder. unfortunately, the softness in his voice was your catalyst and soon you allowed the distress to overcome you, "oh no, don't cry!"

it was useless to try to get your tears to stop, falling one after another as your chest racked with broken sobs, "i-i'm sorry i couldn't be o-of help!"

armin watched in worry as eren tried and failed to get you to calm down. he could tell you were scared when you confronted the bully, your hold on his hand so tight he feared you would end up hurting yourselves. but even so, you had pulled through your fear and stood your ground, something he admired from you.

with a tug on your shirt, mikasa signaled you to start walking, her impassive yet reassuring gaze letting you know she was there for you.

"let's go home."

—

the warm steam that blew onto your blotchy face felt soothing, the taste of mrs. yeager's freshly brewed tea successfully relaxing the tightness in your chest as it ran down your throat.

you could already feel the tiredness hitting you all at once, begging you to lie down and close your eyes so you could rest your mind after the afternoon's occurrences. but with eren's eyes observing you, you knew you weren't off the hook yet.

"better?"

not trusting your voice, you hummed and smiled behind the cup resting on your lips, sniffling slightly when a flashback of eren being punched on the face appeared on your mind.

however, he didn't seem to be done with the topic.

"why did you stand up to him if you were so scared? you were lucky he didn't go for you." 

"'cause i didn't want him to keep punching you."

"i don't need your help," his tone gave you the wrong impression. were you bothering him? a frown pulled your lips in a wobbly pout but he was quick to realize his error, "i mean, we should focus on armin, right? he's the one always in trouble."

you rocked your feet back and forth, watching them dangle from the chair as you mulled over his words. he wasn't lying, it was armin who often ended up as the victim of those bullies. at least when neither of you were around to aid him.

"i have a plan!" eren suddenly perked up, eyes brimming with excitement and pride as he obviously found his plan a good one, "dad always says that it's his duty to protect mom because they're married. so, if we get married, i can protect you and we can protect armin—together!"

you couldn't help but gasp, "married?! but we are too little!"

"not now, dummy. when we grow up!"

"what if i cry again and can't protect armin?" you voiced out your biggest worry as you pushed the cup away and made room on the table for your arm, resting your chin on top of it after yawning.

"i'll protect all of us," he didn't even hesitate, “and we have mikasa too.”

the silly promise made so much sense to your 10-year-old brain, which is why you held onto the hope and safety it gave you and agreed.

carla yeager squealed the news to her husband once eren and you had fallen asleep.

—

850.

there wasn't a day where you didn't regret not going with them.

the lively days soon became dull without eren and armin’s excited voices as they discussed the fire and icy lands in armin’s book, mikasa’s reassuring presence gone as well. but you knew you wouldn’t make it through the strenuous military training—or at least that was what you had told yourself.

truthfully, you wondered how were they not scared of continuing with their suicide mission of joining the legion, all those sacrifices just to see what was outside the walls. why couldn’t they be happy with what you already had? it wasn’t much, but you had each other, which was more than what most people could say.

with shiganshina gone, you became one of the refugees that lurked in the streets of trost. the conditions to live growing harsher, food and shelter becoming escarse and a luxury, but eren’s promise gave you enough strength to go on with your days until you landed a job as a waitress at a pub. 

you missed them, all of them.

their names flew from the mouths of the military police and other higher ups that passed by, making you wonder what they were up to. however, when news spread about eren’s abilities to shift into one of those creatures, that old sense of worry shook you to your very core.

was he hurt? mikasa wouldn't let anyone lay a finger on him, but what if they separated them?

multiple scenarios ran through your head, many of them not so pleasing and only worsening your nerves. but if their names kept coming up in the authorities’ conversations after each and every mission, then it meant they were still alive.

unfortunately, all you could do was pray for their well-being and silently beg them to return.

—

854.

after years of not hearing his voice, it took you several seconds to recognize it.

“where– where are we? why–”

“you’ve changed,” his tone was soft yet hints of curiosity sept through as he marveled at you, “you look older..." prettier, he wanted to say.

having spent so many years without the intensity of his gaze, you realized you had grown unused to it, “you’ve changed too.”

it seemed like everyone had disappeared, except for you and him. dunes of fine sand slithered under your feet and a bright light illuminated the starry sky, converging by the horizon and causing his green eyes to shine in a way you had never seen before.

“eren… what’s all this?”

one moment you were surrounded by chaos, people screaming while an army of colossal titans walked south and eren declared war against the rest of the world; and the next it all had gone quiet, a man—eren—standing next to you while holding your hand.

"they will pay, and then we will be free," his thumb rubbed the skin on the back of your hand gently.

you caught the way his gaze hardened for a second, rage clear in his features but what confused you the most was the amount of hurt swirling in his eyes.

​​what did he mean by 'they'? you were aware of marley's feelings towards the eldians but was it truly that bad? there were so many questions you wanted to ask, but something told you that you didn’t have enough time so you chose to stick to the most important ones. 

“how's mikasa? armin... is it true? he’s the colossal now?”

eren pulled you closer to him by tugging on your hand, cradling the side of your face with his free hand as a smile took over his lips.

"mikasa's busy kicking everyone's asses," he joked and you couldn't help but laugh, relieved at the sudden lightness in his voice. your eyes closed briefly when he leaned forward and rested his forehead against yours, licking his lips before continuing, "armin... yeah, he's the colossal. looks like i need to find another excuse to marry you, hm?” 

you found it unfair how after almost a decade, he could still hold such a power over your heart, the butterflies in your stomach feeling worse than what you recalled.

“you remember?”

he didn't miss the hope in your tone, his own heart aching at the thought of you assuming he had forgotten about your existence. there wasn't a day where he hadn't wondered about your well-being, were you safe? had a titan stole your life just like they had done with his mom? it was armin and mikasa who consoled him whenever the intrusive thoughts became too much to his already stressed mind.

“i never forgot.”

it was subtle, the way that kids promise evolved into a lifetime vow—but neither of you minded.

“i need you to promise me one more thing," he murmured, his breath fanning over your lips while your own faltered at his proximity.

“you’re leaving again,” it wasn't a question.

“i have to.”

it pained him to no end, but it had to be done. the warmth of his lips touched your forehead, your cheeks, and lips; staying longer on the latter while your hearts synchronized for a moment, sharing years worth of affection.

"stay here, on the island. find somewhere safe to stay until it all ends.”

a mere murmur on your lips, that was all it took to harm your hopeful soul.

"and don't wait for me."

[byproducts-of-my-imagination]

Pining [Akaashi Keiji 1/2]

1.2k words.  There will be some form of closure.  Eventually.  Someday.

Sorry if you already saw this, I took it down an am reposting because tumblr glitched and yeeted all my stuff.  

It's not the first time this has happened, not the first time you've woken up with his image in your mind.  It hurts all the same, that deep aching regret which cuts like a knife.  It wasn't even like you were super close to Akaashi Keiji.  He had plenty of closer friends on the volleyball team.  It was a schoolgirl crush that took root in you and refused to die.  Even though years and years have passed, nothing will be able to erase his gunmetal blue eyes from your memories, or his beautiful skin, pale in the moonlight.  It's like they say: you never forget your first love.  To some extent that's true, but not everyone still thinks of their first love after years of separation, or during other relationships.  You've never been able to love properly because of him and it sucks ass.

Slogging through assignment after assignment is numbing, but you've been forced to get used to it.  Life is life, and work is going to be there no matter what you do.  College is not worth the hype, but you do it anyways.  You do it because you've been told your entire life that you absolutely need to, that a degree is a requisite in the workforce.  You do it because everyone else does, another link in a chain of struggling students just trying to have a life.  

It's annoying, the way it just bites at you from time to time.  Like your brain just won't let him go.  You hear him calling your name, with that teasing lilt in his voice.  You feel the familiar brush of his shoulder against yours just like he did when he used to walk you to class, ages ago in high school.  The worst thing is that you still have the random trinkets he gave you over the years, in the box on your shelf where you store things most precious to you.  You're stuck in a vicious cycle, repeating memories from so long ago.  You see him in your dreams like you see movies in theaters.  He's been immortalized in your mind and you've been doomed to love him forever.  

But you have to let him go at some point, right?  In the later years of high school, when you saw him less and less, you barely thought about him.  But it only took one short "hey" in the hallways for that feeling to come crashing back, for you to start fixating on him again.  It's really not healthy, but you can't help it.  In your sparse interactions, he gave you hope each time.  You could hope that he loved you too, probably mistaking friendly affection for real affection.  

When you separated to different schools, that was the end of it.  At least, for a while.  A fresh start only seemed to temporarily distract you.  Since you stopped thinking about him during the day, he came back at night to haunt your dreams.

And so it goes.  

Your brain likes to play cruel tricks on you.  It likes to dream of way too detailed scenarios with him, little everyday things, domestic snapshots that make your heart ache.  Imagining him there, with you.  

Your heart squeezes, like it's the last time you'll see him.  The last time you did, you didn't know.  But even if you had known, what good would it have done you?  Now every time he shows up, it feels like the last.  And he'll never know.  And you'll never know if he feels the same.  Which he likely doesn't.

You never could say goodbye.

Imagine your surprise, to find him in your class one day back in high school.  Just after an offhand conversation about it.  Dare you hope to think he transferred to be with you?  Do you even dare to get your hopes up for him?  To be brushed aside, again?  

It's just a coincidence, you tell yourself.  Just a coincidence, you say.  Just a coincidence, you pray.  

You imagine.  It's all you can do at this point, imagine him.  That perfection that is Akaashi Keiji.  After years of not seeing him, he's more like a figment of your imagination.  You know the way you picture him is outdated, you know for sure he's grown.  But you as much as you try to imagine what he looks like currently, you can't.  It's a defense mechanism, perhaps, a way to preserve those times, the person he used to be.  Maybe it's a way to hold on.  Maybe it's because you know the current him and the current you have too much distance to ever happen.  

You entertain the idea of sending him a text.  You have him on social media, but he's not active.  Although you do see that he always likes Bokuto’s posts, his handle shows as the first one, taunting you each time.  “Liked by keiji.akaashi and 25,381 others.”  The social media algorithms know you too well.  They know you visit his empty profile too often for your own good.

He wouldn't see a text from you, you reason, coming up with excuse after excuse for your cowardice.  You don't say what your subconscious nudges at you.  It'd be devastating if he saw it and didn't respond, or worse, didn't remember who you were.  Because there's no guarantee he would remember.  You'd think he would, but there's a chance he doesn't.  And you can't take that chance.  You couldn't face yourself, if he'd forgotten you.  Because it'd shatter you, and feed the devil on your shoulder.  It would invalidate what you've spent hours dreaming of.  Tears prick at your eyes, mind running a mile a minute.  What if he actually forgot who you were?  It'd ruin you. He'd ruin you, no matter what outcome.  

There's just no way to explain that magnetism.  All your friends thought it was a simple crush, a brief infatuation that would fade eventually.  Maybe he liked you back at one point.  You’re pretty sure he did, at least a little bit.  But even if he did, it wouldn't work.  A lopsided relationship is a one way ticket to splitsville.  Because there's no way, no way he loves you as much as you love him.  You couldn't take it if he did.  

And so it goes.

Whenever it's time to make a wish —birthdays, fallen eyelashes, dandelions, auspicious times— you used to wish he'd love you.  After a few wishes, you decided you didn't need him to love you.  You just wanted to see him, as pathetic as that sounds.  So you began to wish, wish for a chance encounter with him.  You've long since given that up, but every time you hear, "make a wish" it's like you default to wishing to see him.  

It's terrible, the way you habitually look for him whenever you go anywhere.  The way you sweep a room to look for his figure, to feel his presence.  Maybe wishes do come true.  But your wishes have never come true.  He's never there.  Completely unavailable to you.  

He was your god given solace.  He still is somehow, still is your shelter, your protector.  You're not really okay with the fact that that might never change.

[reedalert]

Unspoken

Requested by: anon

Pairing: Julian Bashir x reader

Prompts:  “Don’t be scared, I’m right here.” + “Come cuddle.”

Word count: 1119

Notes: so yeeeeeah, this was requested a while ago, before my life became the absolute mess it was, but hey, I’m finally getting it done? Dear anon, I’m sorry and I love you! But also… 1000+ words… I kinda snapped

It was rare for you and Julian to go on an away mission together, but every time it happened, it proved to be an interesting journey.

Being the chief of security of the station from Starfleet’s side and Odo’s right hand person, your work often involved long walks around the promenade, when you weren’t sitting in your office. Those walks, more or less, ended in you wandering into the Infirmary, for a friendly chat with the ever-cheerful doctor Bashir. Over the course of your time spent on the station, he had become one of your good friends. It was no secret that the two of you were particularly fond of each other, there was even speculation going around the crewmembers that there was something more between the two of you. In reality, it was nothing more than friendship, but everyone was wondering how long that was going to last.

You were sent to check up on a research team stationed on a remote planet. Because of the dense ash cloud produced by the planet’s irregular volcanoes, communications with the scientists was cut off and the transporter was rendered useless. The only way to reach them was the way they got there: landing a shuttle through a thinner part of the cloud and hiking 25 km to reach the research site.

After packing all the supplies and loading them onto the runabout, you set off. You tried to relax on the way there, since you knew there was a difficult two-day trek waiting for you on the planet.

“So, it’s just you and I.” He said, as he leaned back on his chair.

“Seems like it.” You giggled.

Even though it was certainly not the first time the two of you were alone, this time it felt different. Maybe it was because you knew there wasn’t a crowded station around you and nobody count interrupt you. There were butterflies in your stomach, but you couldn’t tell if it was because you felt awkward, anxious or excited.

Julian finally broke the silence.

“Captain Sisko couldn’t have found a better pair to send on this mission.”

You both laughed.

“Well, we knew that not only would we get it done, we’d also have fun along the way.” You remarked.

Silence fell again as you both smiled, but looked away from the other.

“You know, we make quite a good team.” It was your turn to speak up.

“We really do.” You could see that there was a spark in his eyes he desperately tried to hide. “We could be more than that, too.”

For a second, you made eye contact. There was longing in both of your gazes and there was just a step separation you. You thought he’d make the first move. You wanted him to make the first move. But he was waiting on you.

“We already act like a married couple sometimes.” You said when you felt like the tension could be cut with a knife and you needed to divert the subject. Again, you both laughed, but this time it was a painful, forced chuckle. You both quickly erased the moment from your memories, in an attempt to not ruin the whole trip because of it.

You ended up having one of your usual, never-ending conversations about life, each other, and the hour-long journey seemed to fly by. You had a great connection, that was undeniable, and both of you could see it, feel it. Just when you were having the most fun, the computer warned you that you reached your destination.

You carefully landed the runabout in a small field. You took all the equipment and began your hike, while continuing the banter with the doctor. You trekked through the plain, wandered through a forest and then began climbing a mountain, on the other side of which was the research site.

At dusk, it was time for you to find shelter for the night. You spotted a cave nearby, so you and Julian decided to camp out there.

The cave was dark and damp. You had been briefed about the conditions on the planet’s surface, you knew what to expect, but the thought of entering an unexplored cave still unsettled you, but you were used to this, as a security officer. Julian, however, wasn’t necessarily known for his bravery. Of course, he’s a passionate individual, always ready for action in his own field of expertise, but is he fearless? Definitely not.

As you entered, you noticed he began trailing behind. You glanced back, seeing the slight fear in his eyes.

“Don’t be scared, I’m right here.” You chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m not scared!” He retorted. “I’m just making sure… nothing follows us in.”

“My knight in shining armor!” You flash him a coy smile as you skip walking.

“Don’t make fun of me!” He turns towards you and sees that you’re much farther ahead. “Hey, wait up!”

You finally found a good spot for camping. You set your gear down, made a small fire and ate. Soon it was time to get some sleep, you both knew there was still a long way to go.

It was not your first time sleeping in a standard issue sleeping bag on cold stone. It was never comfortable; no fabric could make the floor feel less hard. But somehow, this time you thought that could be easily fixed. After half an hour of twisting and turning in your own makeshift bed, you sat up and called out to Julian:

“Come cuddle.”

It was no surprise that he was already half asleep, you were certain that man could fall asleep anywhere, anytime.

“Hm?” He stirred.

“Alright, alright, I’ll invite myself in then.”

You stood up, quickly tiptoed over to him and snuck into his sleeping bag. That was the moment he woke up and realized what was happening. You had a content smile on your face as you closed your eyes and snuggled into his chest.

He took a second to register your presence. He stared at the peaceful expression on your face. The sight of you brought so much joy to him that he suddenly forgot that you woke him up. He forgot about the freezing temperatures, the icy cave surrounding you. He was just happy that in your frustration and exhaustion, you decided, to hell with protocol, and make the first move towards what could be an actual relationship between the two of you.

“You’re right, we do make a good team.” He whispered, but you were already fast asleep in his embrace.

He placed soft a kiss on your nose, careful not to disturb you and settled to join you in the comforts of dreamland.

[thethousandyearwitch]

The Show Must Go On! Chap. 8 [The End]

- A Youtuber AU you didn’t want and didn’t need -

Hisoka Morrow, italian Makeup Youtuber, enjoys his life in the comfort and occasional drama of his profession. But nothing brings more drama into his life than the eldest son of the Zoldyck fashion magazine empire.

Meanwhile, aspiring australian Twitch Streamer Gon Freecs forms a special bond to a Speedrunner commonly going by "Kil".

Chapter 8 "Born To Run” out now! The Last Chapter!

AO3 Link

Illumi Zoldyck has rarely made mistakes in his life, and any mistake was met with immediate punishment. It was supposed to lead to a perfect adult life, free of foolish mistakes and mishaps, for the prosperity and safety of the family.

But now there was an arm curled around his side, hot breath hitting his neck in a steady rhythm as the morning sun was rising, and there was no other way to say it:

He fucked up.

He let himself be lured into the lion’s den, and now the ‘lion’ was curled up asleep next to him, hair a mess, and a self-satisfied smile on his bruised lips.

Hooking up with Hisoka was objectively a mistake, but it wasn’t going to be the end of the world. He was an adult after all, capable of making his own decisions regarding relationships of any nature. Furthermore, whether this was going to be a temporary or a more permanent ordeal, the long distance would keep Hisoka far away enough from any family affairs, and with enough bribery it could kept out of the public eye.

Illumi grabbed his phone from the nightstand, disconnected the charger, and ignored the half-asleep murmurs from the other side of the bed. Whatever thiswas, could work out, no repercussions, no mistak-

’18 Missed Calls from Mother’.

Oh No.

.

.

’27 Missed Calls from Mother. 19 Missed Calls from Father’.

“Oh, my folks are soooo pissed right now.” Killua snorted and pocketed his phone again. Gon and him had decided to take a trip to a larger city that framed the Area that the young boy lived in, mainly to buy essentials that Killua didn’t remember to pack for himself, which resulted in him finally having phone reception again. Mito insisted on driving them there, mumbling something about keeping them under control, but generously stayed behind in a café to give the boys some space. It’s been almost 3 days since Killua had arrived, and so far, nothing had been set on fire and there were no trips to the ER, which she considered a personal win. The afternoon sun was beating harshly on them, at least to the standards of the young boy who had spent most of his life either in mildly weathered England or sheltered in the shade cool shade of the Japanese mountain-mansion.

“Aren’t you afraid that they are going to punish you?” Gon frowned.

“What are they goin’ to do? Double take my computer away? House arrest? I could probably set the world record at breaking out. They are just mad that I’m not dancing to their tune, like my stupid brother. My dad’s not even home most of the time, so I don’t know why he’d care.” He stopped in front of a clothing store that advertised bright flower-print shirts. “These look awful, we need them.”

His friend laughed but nodded his head enthusiastically.

There was something incredibly exciting about having a friend. Someone who agreed to go along with your whims and spontaneous ideas, not because they are paid to or want to gain something from it, but because they actively want to.

Inside the store, the boys decided to pick out shirts for each other, determined to dress the other one as ridiculous as possible, hiding whatever they picked out from the racks while giggling like madmen. After a couple of minutes, they shoved each other into separate dressing room cabins, and exchanged the meticulously picked out shirts via throwing them over the cabin separations.

Killua disregarded his black sleeveless hoodie vest and quickly clothed himself in the new shirt without having properly looked at it, to preserve the surprise. On a count of three, the boys simultaneously stepped out of the changing rooms, and stood next to each other, in front of a large mirror.

Gon wore a dark green shirt with the repeating pattern of a shirtless Santa Clause in a lawn chair, with sunglasses and a cocktail in hand. Killua had a galaxy print button-up with various pictures of cats with taco and burrito bodies.

The young teens stood there in silence for a second, before they broke out in loud laughter.

“You look like you’re a middle-aged dad on vacation with his wife Karen!” Killua snorted.

“Well, you look like your name is ‘Bradley’ and you sell knock-off sunglasses on the beach!” Gon replied, and as the boys continued to laugh, he slapped Killua lightly on the upper arm.

Barely a touch, really, and yet: “YEOWCH!”, Killua flinched back.

“Woah, you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, that just kind of stung weirdly. Maybe you’re loaded with electricity or something.” And Gon was ready to write it off, before he got a good look at Killua in the dimmed lights of the shop, away from the bright sun.

“Hey, get your arm out of that sleeve.”

“Huh? Why- “Before he could object, his arm was already being yanked out of the, frankly too big, sleeves of the tacky shirt. “What the hell, Gon?!”

“Killua, did you put on sunscreen this morning?”

“Uh, no? Sunscreen is for dorks.”

By now, Gon could barely supress his laughter, cheeks puffed out to hold it back. “I can tell.”

Killua looked back into the mirror and stared. There was a clear divide between the skin on his shoulder that had been covered by his vest until now, pale porcelain skin inherited from his mother, and the rest of his arm that had been exposed to the sun, now glowing bright red. Cautiously he pressed a finger against his skin, but retracted it immediately with a hiss as a burning sensation shot through his arm.

Gon laughed again, though this time with a bit more sympathy, and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’m sure we have something at home against that.”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to rip off my skin, that’s not cool.”

“Nope! That comes later, all by itself.”

And Killua laughed, as they made their way towards the cashier, because of course they were going to buy those hideous shirts.

“…Wait, you weren’t serious, were you? Gon?!”

.

.

.

“This is the medicine?” Killua looked at the large plant with scepticism.

“Yup!” Mito took a kitchen knife and sliced off one of the larger leaves. She sliced the leaf vertically and squeezed out transparent goo from it into a bowl, which she handed to the boy with a smile. “There you go. Aloe is good for your skin and will help with the burning.”

A cautious look toward Gon, who didn’t seem suspicious at all, and Killua took the bowl. “Thanks.”

“And starting tomorrow you’ll put on sunscreen before you go anywhere near the sun, young man.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He rolled his eyes with a smile, and the boys went back upstairs to Gons room before Mito would call them back later for dinner. Killua immediately jumped on his sleeping cot, eyed and poked at the contents on the bowl. “So, I just slap this on?”

“Yep!” Gon threw his shopping bag into his closet and flopped on his own bed.

A couple of moments passed, Killua continued to poke at the plant-goo. He wasn’t going to admit out loud that it looked gross, the consistency weirded him out, and that he thought he was being pranked. Though in the end, he didn’t have to say anything, as Gon sat next to him and took the bowl from him. “Looking at it isn’t going to help. Here- “He took the others boy wrist and yanked his arm forward. With his other hand, Gon started to smear Aloe Vera on Killuas arm, who briefly hissed before he relaxed at the welcoming cold of the mixture. The heat and stinging of the sunburn slowly subsided.

While his friend was already getting to work on his other arm, without being asked to, all Killua could think about is that this was…nice. He experienced something new even if it hurt a bit. He didn’t get scolded for it, but instead was just told how to prevent it for his own health. And now his friend was helping him with this as well- because he cares. This shouldn’t be something new to kids his age, he knew this, but the past few days still felt like something secret he unlocked, invisible to everyone else. A welcoming, caring environment, a vast open space to freely explore, not alone but with someone who looks out for you and who you want to look out for, too.

Suddenly, two cold hands were at either side of Killuas face, thumbs stroking over his cheek bones. He flinched with a yelp of surprise, though the others grip on his face kept him in place. “Hold still, you burned your face as well.”

Killua gently but assertively took Gons hands in his and slowly removed them. “I’m good, really.” He hesitated and looked at both their hands. “…I’m really happy that you’re doing all of this for me.”

“Don’t worry, I used to get tons of sunburns when I was little!” Gon snorted, and Killua gave him a playful nudge against his arm.

“I don’t just mean this, I mean like…everything. I’m happy you’re my friend. I didn’t think that could be this nice.” He looked nervously at his hands, uncomfortable with the sudden vulnerability, though before he could react, Gon pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’m happy we’re friends too, Killua. And no matter what happens, I will always be your friend. That’s a promise!”

Killua let himself be hugged for just a few seconds longer, indulged in the kind of physical intimacy that he now felt had been seriously lacking in his life.

“Gon! Killua! Dinner’s ready!”

The boys immediately separated and jumped of the sleeping cot with overlapping “Good talk”s and snickering, before they chased each other down the stairs and into the dining hall. Downstairs they were greeted by a sweet, savoury smell as Mito heaved a large pot onto the wooden table, decked with 3 dinner plates and another larger bowl with mashed potatoes. Gon was the first to arrive at the pot and took a curious peek inside. “Short ribs! Nice!”

“I thought that if I give you boys something you can stuff yourselves with, maybe you’ll be too full to spend the entire night up again playing video games.” She gestured for them to sit down with a proud smile. The teens didn’t hesitate and helped themselves immediately to full plates, the aroma of the food spread even more throughout the room.

As Killua tried to slice into the ribs, the meat parted from the bone after barely just a touch. As he took a bite, the tender meat tasted sweet, spicy, and everything in between. “These are the best ribs I’ve ever had. No Doubt.”

Mito laughed. “They better be! The trick to getting the meat this tender is to really just let them sit in the slow cooker for a full 9 hours, better even 10, and only interrupt to season to taste now and then.”

“Mhm. You know, I don’t think my mom even knows how to cook.”

“…Do you know how to cook, Killua?”

“Pff, no. Why?”

Gon swallowed another large bite of food before speaking. “Not even breakfast eggs?”

“Nope!” Killua continued to eat, as Gon and Mito exchanged a somewhat concerned look.

“Killua, would you like to help me cook breakfast tomorrow? We could try making pancakes.” Mito tried not to sound condescending as she suggested this, and Gon supported her with enthusiastic nodding.

“I-…Sure. But don’t blame me if anything catches on fire, okay?” The group laughed, and the rest of the dinner passed by peacefully, until the landline phone rang.

Mito got up and cleared her throat before answering. “Hello? …” She glanced at Killua. “…Mhm, sorry, who is this?” She covered the receiver with a worried look. “Killua, do you have a brother named Illumi?”

In a matter of seconds Killua had gotten up and snatched the phone from Mitos hand. “What.”

“Killu, it’s Illumi, how are you enjoying your spontaneous vacation?”

“How did you get this number?”

“I’ve got my ways.”

“Are your ways called Milluki?”

“Doesn’t matter. I hope you had fun these couple of days, but its time to come home. Mother is worried sick. If you come back now, you may even get your computer back.”

“HA! Fat chance. I’m too busy getting sun burned, buying ugly clothes and- and I’m going to learn how to cook with my friend tomorrow. So, suck it and leave me alone.”

There was a deep sigh at the other line, and what sounded like a second person snickering. “Killu, you have 24 hours to pack your things, book a plane, and think about how to properly apologize to mother and father for the trouble you have caused. If you fail to do so, I am going to have to come over there and take you back myself.”

“Don’t forget to pack sunglasses and sunscreen, Illumi. Bye.”

“Kil-“

Killua slammed the phone back into the loading station and sat back down at the table as if nothing happened. Silence weighed heavy in the room, but Mito was the first to find her words again and walked over to Killua to put a supporting hand on his shoulders.

“Are you alright, Killua?”

“Yeah! He’s kind of a control freak, I’m used to it.”

“But what’s going to happen when he actually gets here?” Gon asked nervously, though Killua merely shrugged as a response.

“Don’t know. Probably house arrest, maybe they are going to take my phone away but I’m sure I can just take my little brothers if I ask nicely.”

“This is so unfair… You practically just got here! There’s so much more I wanted to do together with you! And if they take your phone, we can’t even talk once you leave…”

And Killua was about to try to give some reassuring statements, but then it struck him-

“Hey, Gon, remember when you thought that me coming over spontaneously was kind of wild, crazy, but fun?”

“Y-yes?”

“Wanna do something wild, crazy, but fun with me?”

The woman behind him picked up faster on what he meant than Gon did. “Wait a min-“

“Huh?”

“Want to go to Japan with me?”

“Yes! Of course!!” Gon started to slap the table in excitement.

“We can visit my sister, and there’s servants there who definitely won’t snitch on us, and we can go hiking in the mountains! It’s great!”

“There’s so much food I want to try! And we need to go to one of those cool Zoos!”

“Definitely!! And there’s this great-

“Boys…”

“Hell yeah! Maybe there will be- “

“BOYS!”

The teens stopped in the middle of their lively conversation and starred at Mito; eyes blown.

“Do you seriously think you can just take a plane together, while running away from your family, without any supervision?”

Killua hesitated before speaking up. “Well, I did make it over here…”

“And now you’re in trouble with your family!”

The young boy sighed and hung his head in defeat, to which his friend took his hand in an attempt at comfort. Gon had the most well-trained puppy eyes, which locked onto Mito as their target.

“Well, if you had adult supervision though…”

Immediately both of the teens jumped up and hugged her. “Of course you can come!” “It’s going to be so much fun!”.

And as Killua explained how he can book last minute tickets to the nearest airport where his sister resided, Mito thought to herself that she may have bitten off more than she could chew. But maybe that didn’t matter. Because rarely had she seen Gon that happy, and maybe taking a risk once in a while for the sake of someone else wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

.

.

.

“He hung up on me.” Illumi dropped his phone and starred at the wall.

“Well, did you really expect he was going to be obedient and say, ‘why yes dear brother I am on my way home right away’?” Hisoka was still in bed and rolled around leisurely, seemingly not a care in the world, though his grin was telling that he enjoyed the situation unfolding in front of him immensely. Illumi had been pacing the room ever since his mother called, hair a mess and Hisokas bathrobe half-heartedly thrown on, it was a welcomed view.

“He was supposed to. But this is fine. I can manage this.”

“Mmh, sell me on your plan~”

“I’m going to pack my things, then I will fly back home, make sure mother is well cared for, and then fly to Australia to drag my little brother home by his ears if I have to.”

“Then let me ask you this, caro mio:” The artist slowly separate himself from the comfort of his bed, and stood behind Illumi, slender fingers carefully combing through the black, sleek hair. “Have you ever been to Australia?”

“No, but I don’t see how that should be a problem.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier if you had a guide? Someone who isn’t going to chase you down some backroad that’ll turn into a dead end 30 kilometres in?”

Illumi turned around to face his weird companion. “When have you been to Australia?”

“I’ve been around~” He lied smoothly, one hand running along Illumis chin. “Doesn’t a little road-trip together just sound lovely? I promise I’ll be on my best behaviour~”

“Somehow I have trouble believing that. And even if I would agree to have you accompany me to Australia, I have to drop by home first, and I don’t want you stepping foot anywhere near our property.” Illumi slapped his hand away. “I might come visit after Killua is back home, though.” He turned to go and pack his things, but Hisoka had an arm around his waist and kept him still.

“Tesoro, listen to yourself. Your mother has a billion butlers, your father, and your siblings by her side. Why don’t you fly to Australia immediately to get the job done quickly? Otherwise, you’re just inefficiently wasting time, aren’t you?”

“You do have a point, unfortunately…” He tilted his head to the side, and immediately felt warm lips on his neck. “Still doesn’t mean I’m going to take you with me.”

“What if I say please?”

“How old are you?”

“What if I contact Machi for you and negotiate a collab that will contractually play out majorly in your favour?” Illumi let the thought run through his mind and considered the pros and cons. “And I won’t show anyone the candid photo that is my screensaver now~” Before he could ask what he meant, Hisoka was dangling his phone in front of him, with a shirtless picture of Illumi as his screensaver, just as promised.

“Hey- Give me that!”

Hisoka jumped out of slapping-range and snickered. “Take me to Australia, and that will turn back into a picture of myself.”

“This is blackmail, and I can sue you for this.”

“See you in court, amore.”

“Fine! If you insist, you can come with me. But I will bury your body in the desert if you give me enough reason to.”

Immediately Hisoka threw himself at Illumi. “Yay~! Our first couples’ vacation!”

“We aren’t…forget it.” Illumi sighed, though Hisoka could have sworn he saw a slight smile as he pressed a kiss to the designer’s cheek.

What’s the worst that could happen?

[stupid-stew]

My Obsession With Character Names Pays Off Right Here Right Now

I have literally never posted here but I decided that since I spent today writing about the the name of the characters in The Owl House instead of prepping for finals, someone should see it. Included are Lilith, Eda, Luz, King, Gus, Willow, Amity, Alador, Odalia, Emira, Edric, Belos, Adegast, Kikimora, last names Blight, Noceda, Clawthorne, Park, Porter, and Bump, and briefly Hooty, Owlbert, Hieronymus, and Boscha.

FIRST NAME

LILITH

Ok so because I'm lilith’s bitch we are gonna start with her because her name is so cool and I love her and we should be besties Lilith hmu. Anyways as most people know Lilith is a pre existing mythological character which makes this very much good because that means it’s all outlined. Most people know her as a demonic figure, which I very much dig but similar to our lovely queen of curses out here, that's not all she is. There isn’t going to be a chronological explanation of similarities and conclusions, cope. The basic gist is that Lilith was this chick with fiery red hair (this is important iykyk) who refused to be beneath or below adam, more specifically to subjugate to him, funny because of the tapestry with belos what says subjugation on it, probably a coincidence but I do not believe in coincidence right now. Anyways basically she runs off and becomes this chick who like snatches children and will make them sick if they don’t have an amulet with the names Senoy, Sansenoy, or Semangelof on them, thats a different story but what I find interesting is this one passage,

“(12) Her nobles shall be no more, nor shall kings be proclaimed there; all her princes are gone. (13) Her castles shall be overgrown with thorns, her fortresses with thistles and briers. She shall become an abode for jackals and a haunt for ostriches. (14) Wildcats shall meet with desert beasts, satyrs shall call to one another; There shall the Lilith repose, and find for herself a place to rest. (15) There the hoot owl shall nest and lay eggs, hatch them out and gather them in her shadow; There shall the kites assemble, none shall be missing its mate. (16) Look in the book of the LORD and read: No one of these shall be lacking, For the mouth of the LORD has ordered it, and His spirit shall gather them there. (17) It is He who casts the lot for them, and with His hands He marks off their shares of her; They shall possess her forever, and dwell there from generation to generation.”

And there are separate part of this that I find relevant, especially the description of the location, i’m not all that familiar with symbolism of animals in religious texts, so i’m gonna take it at face value and say that this is more or less a description that could be given to the physical owl house itself, sort of a place for people who don’t fit in, its a little messy and I guess one could say overgrown, but it’s a place for anyone, a place to rest now hopefully for Lilith away from the coven, there shall the Lilith repose. On top of that we see the “the hoot owl…” and you’re probably thinking what that so crazy wacko because like why are they referring to Lilith as the hoot owl isn't Eda the owl lady, yes she is. That’s why the actual meanings of lilith’s name that come from her mythological depiction as a demon lady are so important. We have night monster, night owl, night spectre, vampires, night hag, night creature, nightjar (which is another kind of bird), and night bird, all of these seem to fit lilith’s dark aesthetic very nicely which is very good for her, but there are two other ones, hot owl and screech owl, which draw her closer to Edaand away from the coven and her depiction in the mid-later episodes of the show as a monster for cursing eda, but also the name night monster could come into play if while sharing the curse Lilith acquired some of its traits, similar to Edaas the owl beast. Ultimately, we have this little red head girl who eventually fights back against the men who are attempting to get her to be under them, for the character that is belos, for the other Lilith that is adam, god, and his angels, and now hopefully both of them will find solace and repose among the owls in a place they never thought they’d belong. All this talk of owls and god brings us into the other clawthorne baddie:

EDA

For this I'm going to use her full name edalyn, because you know like that’s just how it be it is her name. There isn’t a wiki page for her name like there is for Lilith which makes this a little bit harder but the general consensus seems to be that it means something along the lines of “gift of god”, which I find very interesting. If you are going to name a child gift of god i’m assuming that you are referring to the child themselves, but I don’t think that really applies to eda. I’m not religious, but its my impression that someone who lies cheats pranks and steals their way to the top and isn’t exactly the most responsible witch on the isles might not be the best gift god could give. I do really love Eda though, her character flaws are still a part of her character, but I think this refers to her powers. Eda considers herself to be the boiling isles gift to magic, which I mean like, have you seen the woman. In agony of a witch we see her at what probably 30% of her power with how much the curse was already tolling on her and how much magic she was probably using to fight it off, and like goddamn. She was almost beating lilith, definitely beating the shit out of her, but she was almost defeating Lilith who was at her full power, and that is just a fraction of what she used to be able to do. Her powers were a gift of god, and I think that the loss of them will greatly affect her. She’s already admitted that she doesn’t know how to do much without her magic, and I think going straight from the second most powerful witch on this isles to having no power at all is going to be incredibly taxing on her, physically and mentally.

Luckily for her the name edalyn also means patience, another thing about her name is that it not only means gift of god, but also similar things like gifted by the gods or even goddess, and this draws a connection to Lilith who is named after a demonic figure, casted out for having defied god, they are quite literally polar opposites on the name spectrum, and we see that a lot in the show, they are completely different people, I mean have you looked at them they don’t even look related, but the funnier thing is that their personalities do the same thing. You’d expect Edain her youth to be a gift from the devil, just ask principal bump, and Lilith seemed to be a goody two shoes who worked her ass off, their names could be switched based off their characters alone.

A random baby name site I found said that :

“Persons with the name edalyn are usually highly flexible and well equipped to making and accepting change throughout their life. They always seek excitement and are sometimes a bit of a risk taker. They are imaginative, and often, through their unconventional way of thinking, are naturally able to solve complex problems with ease. They are quick thinkers and observers who are clever, analytical and versatile”

Which I mean like very much applies to eda, she takes change like a champ, either genuinely or by pretending she’s ok with everything, and is always seeking excitement. Like literally all of the time. Always. I think she takes felonies as a compliment, and one of the biggest changes in her life that she genuinely was able to adapt to and appreciate was

LUZ

Ok I think at this point everyone knows that at this point the name Luz means light, and if you didn't, oopsies now you do. The character Luz was named and designed after a real life person the miss dana terrace knew at the time she was starting to really think about the show, Luz ’s personalty comes more from dana herself and we love that, but the character has really started to grow into her name. This is made most obvious when the first spell Luz learns is the light glyph, not only coming into her own as a witch, but also starting to live up to her name, which along with light also has to do with “Our Lady of Light”, which is the virgin mary, fitting her right in with the other biblical names we got going on here. I really want to stress that I know next to zero about religion, and all of the connections I am making come from wikipedia, so bare with me here. But most of the time mary seems to be this pure, saint like figure, which I think is what a lot of people see Luz as, especially on the isles. I’m going to flat out say that this is in no way meant to pass off Luz as simple minded, pure, or oblivious, because we have seen what that girl is willing to do, she faced death and poked him in the with an ice cicle. In terms of life on the isles, however, she is more or less pure and sheltered, she’s completely new to the world she’s in, but she does quickly adapt, and shows more of her strong side, and remains a good person throughout all of it, taking losses as they come, and not letting them remain losses at the same time.

Back to the whole light thing, we already touched on the whole literal bit of her and the light spell, but can you think of a better way to describe Luz ? She literally brings light everywhere she goes, even Eda admits that she’s changed things for the better, for everyone around her too. Willow got a new friend, probably the first friend she’s had in a long time, and even got to begin repairing her relationship with amity, and got placed in the plant track so she could do the things she loves, all because of Luz . Edagot to grow as a person and a mentor, and finally got someone willing to accept all her eda-ness, unconditionally, someone to really care about that really cares about her back, all because of Luz . Amity got a friend who cares about her, not just her family name and money, someone who supports her and will do anything for her because she is her friend, and a bit of self discovery along the way for amity, all because of Luz . Not a single person on the isles who has had more than 2 minutes of interaction with Luz hasn’t had their lives improved, even belos got his portal, and the thing is that even characters who people might not even consider changed have been, characters such as

KING

The name king itself is obvious, he is royalty, the king of demoNS HIMSELF ASMODEUS hahahaha pulled a sneaky on you now accept my ideas as your own. I am on a mythological name kick, deal with it. The most important thing here is in the bible, asmodeus poses himself as a false god, which I know is something we have all considered with king, that he might be a full on liar, not be a king of anything and is just your ordinary street demon, it’s even come up in the show with him calling himself the king of artists and Luz asking him if he was just making it up at this point. It’s a good theory, I can see it, and this could be used as proof. There is also another legend that paints him as a good natured dude, who eventually banishes the king by literally throwing him, and then he loses his powers and is banished, but this is also the same legend where he marries Lilith and that is not something I am down for. There is another text in which he tells the king (the same one he threw in the other one) that his kingdom will one day be divided and the king does not believe him, and this is the same text where he admits to hating water and birds because they remind him of god. Lets think class, who has the god name and is related to birds here? King’s name by itself holds true to his character, who (regardless of if it is truthful or not) holds himself as if he is a king, and he isn't the only one with a name like that, there is also

WILLOW

Ok I know we all thought it, willow, the plant girl, how fiendishly clever. This also happens to be the only descriptor for her name I could find, which is totally fine because I think it’s a very cute name and willow is also very cute. This means we get to go into the symbolism of the willow tree wwwooooOOOOO aren’t you so very excited I know I am. Its kind of interesting, willow trees seem to match the character, understanding, warm, a safe space really, but most of all the ability to let go of pain and suffering, sometimes outright ignore it, and move on. Willow does always say out of sight out of mind does she not? She is willing to ignore, even excuse people bullying her, be it bosha or even amity, and the moment she got the chance her inner willow decided to try and literally burn the painful memories she had, willing to cause damage just to forget. Willow as a character is very willing to move on like nothing happened most of the time, key word most because another thing about willows is the ability to grow from the pain. Before understanding willow, we never really saw willow stand up for herself until she really had to, but hy the end of the episode she is willing to tell amity that she isn’t willing to fully forgive her, but she’s willing to grow and try. Heck, we see this over the entire first season, we see this little girl who can barely pull it together long enough to stand up for herself grow into this amazing character willing to publicly oppose the emperor and break into his castle for her friend, she tried to full out attack Lilith when 19 episodes earlier she wasn’t able to stand up to amity for bullying her. And I am in no way calling willow weak, she never was, she just needed to find the ability to show everyone that she’s strong, god I love willow so much, you wanna know who else loves willow?

GUS

Gus, my main man, love you but for this we are gonna have to use the full on augustus sorry babes. The name augustus means majestic, or venerable, which while I must say that the illusion of kiki doing the worm was probably one of the most majestic things I have ever seen, I’m going to focus on venerable a bit more here. Venerable is a big word, it means “accorded a great deal of respect, especially because of age, wisdom, or character.”, which for gus the age part might play a smaller part here, but he is good as what he does, Luz and willow both respect him, Eda Respects him, he’s this little dude who is younger than everyone and has to rely on his ability to succeed, not inly with his power but with his personality.Gus seems to be confident in himself, communicating with everyone regardless of who they are or what power they hold, similarly to willow he was willing to do anything to help Luz , leading into the second description of venerable, “heroic in nature”. Now, you might be wondering, bestie where ever did you get that description, it totally wasn’t from a religious page okyesitwas but that's fine because being pronounced venerable guarantees a spot in heaven so get it bestie. Overall, the general meaning for augustus is that they are strong, respectable, and powerful, which takes us right into the

ASSORTED BLIGHTS

The blight first names bring me joy so I am putting amity last because I think its really funny, starting off with alador, the name alador evokes diplomacy, correctness, and confidence. We know zilch about alador, but if the vibes of the blight family have anything to say it’s definitely something along those lines. The name odalia means wealth, which I mean like have you seeeen blight manor? Also back at it again with the fact that it’s a variant of the name odilia, like the saint olilia which I don't have ties for you right now because again, we know nothing about her. Edric also means wealth, fortune, riches, powerful, you get the vibes, same thing with emira which means commander, or prince, princess, leader, or star. So you know like we have all these super powerful names happening, and then, oh boy and then we get to little miss perfect herself, amity blight. It means friendship, or harmony. If I was her I would be so mad at my parents like yall have these mad powerful names and I got stuck with friendship? Hand me the emancipation papers. You know what they say, friendship is the real magic (even if no longer taught in schools due to budget constraints). I hope that this leads more into season 2 with amity working on her friendships and ultimately her relationships in general, which we got a bit of already with her working on repairing her relationship with willow, and making the moves to cut off old toxic friendships and moving into more genuine ones with willow, Luz , and gus. I guess you could say that the only thing ALL the blights have in common with each other is their

LAST NAME

BLIGHT

The word blight by itself means a plant disease which boy oh boy can you believe how nicely that fits into amity bullying willow because I sure can. Outside of just the plant bit it overall just means like something that damages another thing, and this works beautifully for each member of the family. The parents are damaging their children, the twins just causing general damage, and amity and her goddamn relationships, but fortunately that whole plant thing brings us into the next couple of last names

CLAWTHORNE

The last name clawthorne means “cold or exposed thorn tree” which had me kind of like what the heck so I went off and had some fun and got you some presents that I think are funny, so there was this guy right, his name was joseph clawthorne, and he created the term whiffenpoof, which is the name for a wildly fictitious animal, things like a jackalope, or even a griffin with spider breath, though I guess that would be the work of a

NOCEDA

Back again with the trees good lord, it means field of nut trees, so again I went into prominent people an found this guy named jorge noceda sanchez, he was a painter and some of his works are kinda baller actually it seems like something that would fit in on the isles, but also not all of the names have a deeper meanings, names like

PORTER

Ok I am like pretty sure this was just meant to be a play on the fact that gus’ dad’s name is perry and is a reporter, get it, perry porter, perry porter, reporter, but nonetheless I did some digging because why the heck not, it means doorkeeper, or gate keeper, someone who guards something like an important building, which honestly I think this would be a good last name for hooty if he ever gets one, but again not all of these are important names at the moment, or maybe they won't ever be at all, names like

PARK

At first I was kinda like l m a o willow park plant girl hahahahah plants in the park parks have trees willow is a tree but then I remembered that someone pointed out that park is a traditionally korean surname and then like a week later disney posted about it for aisian pacific american heritage month which kind of confirmed it, and I don’t know if the whole intention behind it was to establish willow as representation or not, but the surname park by itself means gourd and willow I am so sorry that is so unfortunate LMAOSIFN

BUMP

To be honest I was not expecting bump to have a last name that meant anything but it means swift walker and I think thats funny so you have to know it now

MISCELLANEOUS

BELOS

BIIIITCH LISTEN UPPPP there is a butt tone of mythology surrounding his name and its mostly a different form of it, belus, that is referenced, but same thing different shape. Most of his depiction is as a great king or ruler, in babylonian mythology being the equivalent of zeus of jupiter, which liiikkkkkeeeoajolnjojnkjakjavnjfvdfkjf but its fine everything is great its all ok most importantly, he is recognized as the god or ruler of war, and in that same mythology he lived in babylon, which “... was originally water, and called a sea. But Belus put an end to this, and assigned a district to each, and surrounded Babylon with a wall; and at the appointed time he disappeared.” and idk about you but the smell of him assigning a divide and disappearing smells sour like funky to me babes

HIERONYMUS AND BOSCHA

I am only putting this here because the fact that it’s totally a play on hieronymus bosch makes me cackle and you all have to know it thank you

ADEGAST

B-but brevyn he was only there for like one episode, yeah ok and? Radegast is the slavic god of hospitality, and there is no host like a host that pretends to take you on a mythical quest and then tries to eat you and your mentor and her deranged cat demon, ok? His name translates to “dear guest” or “welcomed guest” and I mean I think if my host tried to suck me into some fantasy would delusion i’d feel pretty welcomed

HOOTY

He is an owl

OWLBERT

He is also an owl

KIKIMORA

First and foremost, she is a little night gremlin who hates children and I think that really fits her, but she is also a little house demon, who is very difficult to get to leave, have we seen her outside the castle? Will she be a spy along with the mask next season? She also has a name that means nightmare or night demon, similar to a certain other night creature we might have heard of a while ago. She tried to strangle children and I love that for her,and she is described as a little old ugly messy haired lady and I feel like her current character has the personality of one so i’ll take it, but what really gets me is her villain origin story, which is that she "grows up with a magician in the mountains. From dawn to sunset the magician’s cat regales Kikimora with fantastic tales of ancient times and faraway places, as Kikimora rocks in a cradle made of crystal. It takes her seven years to reach maturity, by which time her head is no larger than a thimble and her body no wider than a strand of straw. Kikimora spins flax from dusk and to dawn, with evil intentions for the world.”

[fangirlyah]

✦ a friendship by letters - Edmund Pevensie x Reader

summary: a friendship formed in childhood, a friendship that survived the riskiest adventures ... what will happen when they separate and their only contact is letters? word counter: 2,674

warnings: abandoned parents

according to the books the ages of the characters should be different, but in this one-shot their ages will be those agreed by wikipedia reasoning with the actors’ age in the year of recording of the second film (it is an approximation):

Peter - 20

Susan - 17

Edmund - 15/16

Lucy - 12

Prince Caspian - 26

digory kirke had raised you after being abandoned by your family. when world war II came to england, food was scarce. you were barely three when your parents took you to have a tea afternoon with your favorite uncle, but they never came back to pick you up. at first you didn’t understand, why had they abandoned you? people should not leave the people they love, that's what your fairytales said; but this wasn't a story, it was reality. 

digory took care to keep you safe and with everything you needed. the years went by and your parents had become a vague memory, you no longer had remorse for them; a three-year-old girl had seemed a nuisance to them at the time. 

when you turned eight, you got the first letter from them; they had started a new family, they had a pair of twins with blue heavenly eyes, they looked a lot like you. your little person wondered if they would see the resemblance and leave them too. despite the confusing news, that birthday was the best of your entire childhood, because an even better news had arrived. after all these years, you’d have some kids to be with. kirke had taken care of your education so you’d never had another friend than your uncle and the people who worked for him. the day the pevensies arrived was cloudy, a typical english day, with a small drizzle that would get wet from time to time.

they were well-dressed and with dubious faces, they were more confused to see a sweet girl waiting for them at the door of the cottage.

"hi, it’s nice to meet you!" you shook hands with them politely, despite your enthusiasm. 

"we didn’t know there would be more children" one of the children, with freckles on his pale cheeks, looked at you from top to bottom, it didn’t seem much older than you but he seemed to judge you with just a few words. 

"don’t be rude, edmund!" the other boy gently pushed his head, he looked like the oldest of them all.

the four of them were very nice, some more than others but they treated you well. you used to play in the big courtyards and take classes together. you had discovered each other’s personality shortly after your arrival; you were very observant. peter was the loudest talker, if it was a sports team he’d be the leader. but susan was not left behind, she was very smart and knew a lot about all the topics they talked about during meals. edmund didn’t talk much but he wasn’t quiet, of the four he was the most serious and acid but he wasn’t a bad kid. and finally lucy, she was a walking ray of sunshine, with that no further description was needed.

"why can’t we see the old man?" edmund was at your side as the two of you walked down the dirt road. the cook had ordered you to go in search of bread and milk. 

"his name isn't old man, his name is digory kirke…” as they moved on and crossed people, edmund was surprised as every redneck seemed to know you. 

"you said he raised you, how did he raise you if you never saw him?"

"yes I saw him, we spent all our time together...but now he’s busier than before"

"but...where are your parents?" edmund’s childish mind thought she was there for the same reason as them; perhaps, he wanted to think that her mother was a nurse and her father a soldier, that would be to have heroic parents. but your look got lost in the trees on your side as you didn’t answer, instead you said, 

"race to the store!"

that was your first interaction. thanks to that race your friendship was forged, after two weeks of them living in your house. 

your last interaction was the day they returned to finchley. the chaos continued, but was not enough to keep them away from home, so they had to leave. the four of them were on the cart thrown by a horse, ready to go to the train station; lucy greeted you, already sitting, fluttering her little hand. peter left you a kiss on the forehead and susan hugged you tight.

when edmund’s turn came, your eyes watered down, provoking ed to shed a tear. you had become best friends, everything that had happened in narnia had brought you together more than ever; you had grown up together, even though you then returned to your little child body.

"I packed you a book I found in the library, it’s about narnia," you whispered when you hugged him. "take good care of him" 

"with my life" so you saw them leave, as they greeted you waving their arms as you did the same.

time went by and years flew away. years when the only contact between you and the pevensies, especially edmund, was letters. letters that came and went every week, so they grew together but apart. 

when you turned 13, you started high school. your joy was so immense that the first thing you did was write to your great friend. 

‘my dearest edmund

 I have great news. this year I will start high school in a school. a real school! uncle took me yesterday to buy my supplies and uniform. is unreal! 

how are you, lucy, peter and susan? I miss them too, I miss you and narnia. how's school? is it tiring to live there? I hope not because my school is a boarding school too. I hope to see you soon 

y/n"

the letter arrived two days later in edmund’s school room. his heart exploded because of the great happiness it gave him, you would have other friends and you could live a normal teenage life. he immediately wrote you a letter expressing his joy. 

my dear y / n,

I also miss you more than you imagine and reading you so happy about your new school makes me want to run to hug you. I know I can't, I imagine it and I enjoy it just the same.

we are all fine, school is always the same. boring. but in the boarding school, I know that you will have fun and will make many friends.

i care about you

yours, edmund.

when you started school, the sending of letters began to be less frequent. the correspondence between the secondary schools was slow, which made it difficult to communicate. the letters took weeks to arrive, between two and three. on a saturday afternoon, he got his first letter of yours after weeks.

‘dear ed,

the mail sucks! all the letters I was sending you didn’t reach your school, I know because they were all returned to my address. I’m tired of this, I want to see you and go to narnia again... 

in other news, you remember I made two friends? well, they introduced me to roger. he’s very friendly and he always accompanies me to all the classes, but well...I’m happy to make friends. 

In a few days it’s the christmas ball and I’d like us to go together...i mean, the five of us. I know it’s not possible, but it’s a nice idea. 

tell me about yourself. 

with love, y/n!’

edmund still did not know why but, after reading the letter, an anger invaded him, he even thought he would explode. who was roger? would you go to the ball with roger? 

"I had it sorted" said peter, looking at him, while waiting for the train, edmund just rolled his eyes.

"since when do you get into fights, edmund?" lucy looked at him from across the bench. "since he received the letter from y/n the other day" said his bigger sister moving her eyebrows coquettishly.

"why don’t you shut up, susan?!"

"both of you shut up!" peter screamed when everything around him started to disappear.

out of nowhere, the four were inside a cave with access to the sea. an immense joy filled them, they were in narnia. at that time, while everyone was taking off their clothes, to dive into the transparent water, edmund just wanted to grab a paper and quill to tell you, but it was impossible. in fact, they were in a narnia 1300 years older. their kingdom had been invaded and the magic of it was dying faster and faster. edmund wanted you there, while he walked the meadows looking at the ruins of what was cair paravel. but you were in england.

"y/n are you ready for the ball tonight?" one of your friends was walking beside you on the streets of london. the teachers had let all the students go in search of their garments for the feast, the very day of the celebration. 

"not really, I have never been to a party so I’m a little nervous" 

"it’s easier than it looks" you were turning the corner when you thought you saw a shiny fur. "are you okay, y/n?” the girl next to you asked as she saw you looking for something with intensity. what you saw it looked like a lion, but it was impossible. lions in london? will be aslan?

"is that...I remembered that I must call my uncle to wish him a good christmas eve, yes that!... emm, you go ahead, I’ll go talk on the phone and catch you" so you retire at a fast pace, to see the lion enter a phone booth. of a push you entered the red booth, finding a small golden paper on the machine. 

'You know what numbers to dial’

it would be lying to say you were confused, the number 338 appeared in your mind immediately; it was your room number inside of cair paravel. when your fingers moved through the numbers, the machine began to tremble slightly, making all your surroundings become blurry. in the blink of an eye, you were standing in a meadow full of daisies. you were alone but far away you could see what seemed like a how, a shelter.

 without the need to ask anyone, you knew it. you were in Narnia, you felt it in your bones. It was different, but the aroma and familiarity did not go unnoticed.

the trees were not as you remembered them, they used to dance around you every time you made an appearance in the gardens but this time they stood still; they seemed asleep. your school uniform started to heat you up so as you moved along the green lawn you left your clothes in the way, until you were left with your blue skirt, which reached a little above the knee, your shoes and the white shirt. you felt at home, you had returned to your home; among your thoughts, the idea of the pevensie being there also reached your head and you wished that aslan would appear back to show you the way to them. but instead of aslan, a horse being ridden by a men appeared before you.

"I’m sorry, miss, but may I ask who you are?" a dark-haired boy got off his horse to stand in front of you, curiously. he had never seen you before, but he knew you weren’t a telmarine, or you would have bowed to him, and you weren’t a narnian because the sons of adam and eve who belonged to narnia, were the kings and queens and he already knew them. 

"my name is y/n, gentleman...and you are?"

"prince caspian, future telmarine king" telmarine? it sounded familiar to your ear, perhaps you had read it in some book of prophecies in your stay in narnia years ago; but it had been so long that no memory came to your mind. "you’re a daughter of eve, right?"

"I don’t have horse legs so I’m not a centaur" you said in a comedy voice that wasn’t funny enough for the prince to smile, so you stopped your laugh and continued to say "yes, I’m a daughter of eve."

"come with me then" the situation that edmund had gone through came to your mind, you didn’t know whether to trust the boy who claimed to be future king. despite your doubts, you didn’t have the courage to ask where he would take you and you decided to trust him, asking aslan to give you back your fighting skills if necessary; it’s been a long time since you’ve practiced, sword fighting was not a common hobby in finchley.

you skillfully climbed, to caspian’s surprise, to the white horse where he had come to you. the said prince took the reins and began to ride. they went up a high meadow, from there you could see the transparent waters several meters down. if the situation had been different, you would have run down to the sand to enjoy the water, but the uncertainty of where you were going did not leave you. surprisingly, you arrived very quickly at the place you had seen before. now from close up you could see that it was, aslan’s how. caspian didn’t kidnap you, he was a good man. so, thanking him you got off your horse and looked around as the prince walked into the how. edmund was busy looking at a map, but someone’s footsteps from behind distracted him.

"yes you take your time, we don’t need you to make war plans" the sarcastic voice, that so characterized ed, echoed through the shelter as it reached the outside causing you to freeze. it was a voice you were unfamiliar with but you had heard it before. your mind traveled to the last time you spoke on a pay phone with your best friend and recognized the voice. it was edmund, but he had grown up. he had obviously grown up, like you had. 

"I’m sorry, I found someone on the way..."

"with whom you could possibly have met in the middle of the wood-" edmund’s gaze moved towards the entrance of the place when he saw a delicate figure enter. those sweet traits that he remembered so much from his childhood were refined, elegant, but they kept that shred of innocence that he liked so much. that face that was so much expected to be found casually on the streets of london or finchley was in front of him, dressed in what looked like the remains of a school uniform and the astonished eyes absorbing all around her.

"y/n..." it was a whisper, but the echo of the how made it sound loud enough for you to hear. 

so you looked up meeting the person who had occupied your head since you were eight. the boy  you used to create scenarios with at night. the boy who was a little kid and now was a man in armor looking at you from the other side of the room. the boy you were afraid to see holding someone else’s hand. your mind failed to form a word because you were already running towards him, to wrap yourself in his body. his arms traveled to your waist swiftly as he lifted you from the ground and shoved his face up your neck, smelling your scent that he had so missed. one of your hands traveled to his hair caressing that darkness that you used to braid when you were just a kid. 

"hello ed" you whispered giving yourself permission to shed a tear. edmund felt that drop of water fall on his shirt, so he took you off his body to start leaving kisses all over your face, causing laughter in both. by that time, caspian had already retired, leaving you two alone.

"what are you doing here?" said edmund when he stopped kissing your face, but leaving his hands on your waist while you stroked his cheeks. 

"I have no idea, but I’m here! and I missed you so much that I don’t care!" 

"I missed you too, with all my heart" the boy’s eyes turned to your mouth and an urge to taste your soft lips flooded him. 

"do it" and he did it. what he was waiting for so long. at that time nothing didn’t matter, no war or anything. just the two of you. neither of you could put into words what you felt, but you two wanted to find out together. between kisses and caresses, you could decipher when that passionate love was born, that passion that was sealed with a reunion kiss.

[inkedstarlight]

Bittersweet: Chapter 11

Summary: The Inner Circle rings in the New Year. Notes: Read it here on AO3! Warnings: brief mention of (implied) self-harm scars, themes of depression Bittersweet Masterlist

“I fucking hate the holidays,” was Emerie’s greeting to Nesta a couple days after Christmas.

Nesta glanced up from the drinkware she was cleaning to watch Emerie hang her jacket on the hanger in a huff. Her raven hair was pulled back in a loose braid, her eyes lined thickly with kohl and mascara. Nesta couldn’t help but smirk with amusement. “I take it seeing the family didn’t go well?”

Emerie snapped her head to glare into Nesta’s eyes. “They spent all of Hannukah lecturing me about doing something else with my life, something more respectable than 'slinging drinks around a dirty bar,’” she recalled with air quotes, her lip curled in disgust.  

Nesta dried the last glass. She threw the towel on the counter and turned to face her coworker. Crossing her arms, Nesta inquired, “And your response was?”

“I threatened to go into sex work.”

Nesta quirked a brow. “I thought you already worked at Euphoria on the weekends. If I recall correctly, you invited me to watch one of your performances.”

“Yes, Nesta, I'm aware that I'm already a stripper. That's the beauty of it. I threaten to join an even more unconventional line of work so they will accept my moderately unconventional job. They would much rather I bartend than strip.”

Nesta snorted. “I can’t argue with that logic.”

Before Emerie could try to convince Nesta to visit her at Euphoria again, Helion swooped in from behind them. He planted a loud kiss on Emerie's cheek. She feigned disgust, wiping the spot where his lips had been. Turning to him, Emerie smacked his chest playfully.

"Hello to you, too. You look ravishing," Helion wiggled his eyebrows with a wolfish grin.

Emerie rolled her eyes. "I'm immune to your charm, Helion. You should know that by now."

Helion gave her a questionable look that said, You sure about that?

He then turned his attention to Nesta with a grin and took a step forward - most likely to try to kiss her cheek as well - but he was quickly met with a death glare. He did this every time he came into work, and Nesta always rejected his affection. She had to admit he had balls for not giving it up.

Then again, he was a certifiable slut.

Helion's hands were raised in surrender when he turned to address both of them.

“I see you ladies are falling behind," he said, nodding his head to the current score of their little competition. Helion had titled the game, "Who's Got the Biggest Tip?" with an obscene drawing next to it.

Nesta looked behind her at the chalkboard. She was in last place.

The tip competition hadn’t even crossed Nesta’s mind. What with college, Tomas, and family, she wasn’t quite prioritizing the opportunity to man the music at Rita’s. Free booze on the other hand... that she could get with.

“Hey, I’m not that far behind you!” Emerie protested. “It’s Nesta who’s lagging behind.”

They both turned to her. Nesta merely stood there as they inspected her, Helion rubbing his chin in contemplation while Emerie tilted her head as if she would see something different horizontally.

“I’m not entirely surprised,” quipped Helion. “I mean, she’s gorgeous, but if looks could kill…”

Emerie hummed in agreement. She gestured to Nesta’s chest. “The uniform does wonders for her tits. It’s just once you get to the face. The hair can be let down, maybe pinch some color on her cheeks.”

Nesta continued to give them a blank stare. She was highly unamused.

“Don’t forget the smile,” Helion chimed in.

“How could I forget? Gods, her resting bitch face is even worse than mine.”

"There's potential, though."

"Undoubtedly."

Before the mischievous duo decided to go all "Miss Congeniality" on her, Nesta interrupted their daydream. “Are you guys done?”

Her question brought them back to reality. Helion sighed. "Yeah, I guess. Time to make some tips."

With that, the three of them got to work. Throughout the night, Nesta found herself trying to smile more. At customers, at Emerie and Helion. But every time she managed to pull her lips up, an invisible weight seemed to drag them back down to a deep frown.

Smiling had never been so hard.

They were celebrating New Year’s Eve at Feyre and Rhysand’s place. Nesta hadn’t been looking forward to it considering they had all just gotten together on Christmas Day. Seeing her sister’s asshole of a boyfriend and her infuriating neighbor biweekly was enough for her, thank you very much.

The night was uneventful. Elain had volunteered to be the designated driver, so Nesta took the opportunity to have more than just a couple drinks. By the time the clock struck 11:30, Nesta was far gone. She rarely ever got drunk in social situations, instead choosing to get fucked up in the comfort of her own home. The last thing she wanted was to lose control and do something she would regret the next morning.

But all those worries were thrown out the window the minute she had her first sip of liquor.

Nesta hated the phenomenon of New Year’s resolutions. She hated the idea of self-reflection, of changing, of setting a personal goal. It was bullshit. She felt this obligation to be better. To change into an entirely different person, someone sensitive and warm and outgoing. In other words, someone - anyone - except for herself. It was suffocating.

So as Nesta downed drink after drink, she watched the people around her – she doesn’t quite consider them friends, save for Amren – waiting for the new year to begin. Particularly Elain and Azriel.

Since Elain confessed her feelings for Azriel to Nesta – though some may say Nesta forced Elain to spill the beans – Nesta had been watching them like a hawk. Elain hadn’t yet been in a relationship, at least to Nesta’s knowledge. Perhaps that was why Nesta felt so protective over her sister. That, or because she was the most gentle person Nesta knew.

Nesta didn’t know much about Azriel. Their conversations had been scarce. All she really knew was what Elain told her. He had grown up across the street from Cassian and Rhysand, and the three of them had been thick as thieves since childhood. While Rhysand attended Pryth U and Cassian joined the Marines, Azriel stayed home after graduating high school to take care of their mother, much like Elain with their father. But their mother died just a few months after the three boys graduated. After working a couple minimum wage jobs, Azriel founded a local animal shelter a couple years ago with his friend and since then, his entire life had been dedicated to it.

From what Nesta could tell, Azriel seemed like a good man. But she could tell he still struggled with things from the past. And it wasn’t just the scars on his hands that gave it away. Feyre had briefly mentioned to Nesta that Azriel had gotten in trouble with the law many times in his younger years. Although Feyre didn't elaborate on his wrongdoings, Nesta couldn't help but imagine the worst.

Nesta would be lying if she said she didn't see similarities between herself and Azriel. The scars, the haunted looks, the guarded demeanor. And because she knew that there was no way she could possibly be in a healthy, functioning relationship, she had a feeling that Azriel couldn't either. It was painfully clear that he hadn’t yet dealt with whatever trauma he’d experienced. If he were to get into a relationship with Elain, it would only end in heartbreak for her.

Nesta watched from the kitchen table as Elain and Azriel played the Wii. Nesta could tell just by Elain’s body language that she was smitten. Her entire body leaned towards his when they sat next to each other to take a break from their “bowling” competition. And while Azriel engaged with her, Nesta noticed the hesitance in his expression, the way he shied away when Elain got too close. Almost like it was a reflex.

Nesta's hand twitched. She wanted to interfere.

It’s Elain’s life, Nesta reminded herself. As much as you worry, she has to be the one to make her own decisions.

With that uneasy thought, Nesta relaxed back into the kitchen chair she was sitting on and took a large gulp from the mixed drink she held. Everyone was mingling in the living room as Nesta watched from the breakfast bar. All their backs were facing her, offering her the slightest bit of solace knowing that no one was paying attention to her.

She hadn't seen much of Cassian tonight. They both seemed to be holding themselves to their agreement to distance themselves from one another. He seemed perfectly content to stay out of Nesta's way, and Nesta felt the same. She just couldn't help but be surprised he hadn't tried to get a rise out of her.

At least, not yet. There was always time.

Nesta loathed the way Cassian was able to get under her skin, hated the way he made her feel. She didn't understand it. He was virtually a stranger and yet he made her blood boil. And all because he found it entertaining to watch her lose control? Gods, he was twisted.

As the thirty-second countdown began, the couples paired off. Mor grabbed Aurra until nothing separated them. Feyre leaned against the wall and Rhysand rested his hands above her head. That only left Azriel, Elain, Nesta, Cassian, and Amren.

Cassian and Amren remained seated on the couch that was directly in front of Nesta. Amren was whispering to him, no doubt making fun of every couple in the room. They laughed together. Then of course, Azriel turned to Elain with a shy smile.

And that left Nesta sitting alone at the bar, her drink half empty. Her glazed over eyes followed Elain and Azriel.

Ten.

They looked at each other.

Nine.

Azriel took a couple steps closer.

Seven.

Azriel dipped his head to Elain’s ear and whispered something.

Five.

Elain blushed. She looked up at him and nodded with a smile.

Three.

Azriel gripped her waist with one hand and pulled her in.

Two.

Elain melted into his touch.

One.

They stared deeply into each other’s eyes.

Zero.

Azriel pressed a soft kiss on Elain’s cheek. She closed her eyes as if she were trying to savor it, to hold onto that moment for as long as she could. Azriel’s lips reluctantly left her cheek, only for him to lean his forehead on her temple. Their chests rose and fell heavily, their breath seemingly in sync. They remained like that for a moment, both unwilling to let go of one another. It wasn’t until Rhysand hooted, “Happy New Year,” that Azriel broke away from her and re-entered the present. Eyes wide, all they could do was blink at each other, the air between them palpable with uncertainty and excitement and pain and hope.

Everyone around them was cheering. It was almost too loud for Nesta. Her ears rang.

As everyone around them laughed and yelled, Cassian looked behind his shoulder from where he sat and his eyes met Nesta’s.

They looked at each other for the briefest of seconds before Nesta flipped him off.

Nesta could've sworn Cassian's eyes brightened before he returned the gesture.

---------------------------------

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[letterstoleia]

Important Lessons Learned from Gabby and Brian

As an author and advocate for survivors of domestic violence, I’ve learned a lot about the predictable patterns of unhealthy relationships. After years of personal experiences, research, and outreach, I’ve learned to recognize the tell-tale signs of abuse. I am not a licensed therapist, social worker, police officer, or minister. So please understand I shared my thoughts as 3 a.m. musings. When a few people asked me to make the post public, I agreed, reluctantly. I had no idea this message would resonate with so many people. I've worked back through the original post to explain a bit better how I'm feeling. I realize not everyone will agree with me, and I respect all opinions and views. All I ask is that we engage in respectful discourse on all sides. Thank you all.

In recent days, the tragic events involving Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie have given us a lot to learn. This case is still under investigation, and I can only make assumptions based on the textbook patterns of abuse I’ve witnessed too many times to count. I also recognize that multiple families are grieving, and I have tremendous empathy for everyone involved. However, many survivors will resonate with at least some of the following insights, and I’m hoping we can use this tragedy to shift the way we as a culture approach the complicated issue of domestic abuse.

Let’s examine 30 important lessons this couple teaches us:

1. Followers on social media saw a smiling, happy couple, full of love and wanderlust, setting out for a cross-country adventure while documenting all the joys of young life. In many cases, targets become very good at smiling through the pain.

2. When the public was shown body camera footage captured by Moab City Police officer Daniel Robbins, (who pulled Laundrie and Petito over after the 911 call on August 12), some viewers assumed Petito was suffering from mental illness and Laundrie, while nervous, was the steadier of the two.

3. Other viewers assumed both partners were equally at fault—the old “it takes two” myth that doesn’t really apply to most abusive situations.

4. Some people even assumed Petito was the abuser and Laundrie was the victim.

5. These three assumptions probably crossed everyone’s mind as a possibility (they did mine). Healthy minded people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, especially when someone is being accused of a negative act. Also, we can all understand that mental illness is a difficult situation and can tax even the kindest most gentle of souls (and the people who love them). Unfortunately, in many cases, this thought pattern leads us to assume the victim is mentally ill or that the victim is to blame for an altercation.

6. “Victim blaming” can happen even in the worst cases of abuse because we don’t see the longitudinal story unfolding. What we don’t see is that the target has managed to keep things together until she reached her threshold, at which time we may see her crying, yelling, or breaking down emotionally. By exhibiting those behaviors, many might assume the target is “crazy,” and it’s natural for us to feel as if the more stable person is more trustworthy.

7. If we listen carefully to Laundrie’s conversation with the officers, he even laughs and says, “She’s crazy.” (17.09) Then he dismisses it as a joke. Of course, he’s already put this claim in the officers’ minds (and by the nonchalant way he says it, many might assume it’s not the first time he’s said these words.)

8. So while viewers (and officers) start wondering if perhaps the target is “crazy,” the abuser plays the part of the poor, patient partner who has to deal with this irrational person. In the video, Laundrie mentions Petito’s anxiety and her OCD, painting her as an unstable partner. (Please note: I’m not at all justifying any physical violence against either party. No one should intentionally harm any other person. Period.)

9. A typical abuser would be skilled at convincing people that he’s innocent, while in fact he’s been acting very differently behind closed doors, pushing his target to this point intentionally and feeding on her emotional break. Many abusers LOVE to see evidence that they’ve hurt their target. They LOVE to see their target in pain. For this reason, “breaking” the target is usually the goal from the start. In cases of abuse, it may take an abuser hours, weeks, months, or even years to break the target, but he won’t stop until he gets that reaction, and then he’ll point the finger and say, “See? She’s crazy. I’m just trying to keep her calm.” And then he’ll do it again. And again. And again.

10. As a result, some people will buy into that false narrative. Even the target can be brainwashed to doubt her own truth. Which may be one reason we see Petito making many excuses for Laundrie’s behavior and taking the blame for everything.

11. In contrast, we see Laundrie blaming Petito, insisting he never hit her and saying he was just trying to keep her calm. He’s charming. He comes across as the loving and loyal partner. He’s joking around with the officers and even gives one a fist bump in the end. All the while, his fiancée is at risk of being charged with domestic assault and possibly spending the night in jail.

12. Later, we’ll hear the 911 recording that (it seems) the responding officers were not fully informed of at the time: “I’d like to report a domestic dispute.” The 49 second audio recording continues as the caller says, “The gentleman was slapping the girl.” When the dispatcher asks him to confirm that the man was slapping the girl, the caller responds, “Yes, and then we stopped, they ran up and down the sidewalk, he proceeded to hit her, hopped in the car, and they drove off.”

13. But long before the 911 call was made public, many survivors could already see through the spin playing out on the video footage. They easily recognized the “red flags” because these cycles become the norm for victims of long-standing abuse. Many targets eventually become conditioned to believe everything the abuser does is her fault. Covering for the abuser, accepting all the blame, trying harder to make the abuser happy—this warped reality becomes the only truth a target knows.

14. Also, it seems clear that Petito doesn’t want her fiancé to be in any trouble. She’d rather pay the price and protect the man she loves. And because she probably believes he only acted this way because of her mood/behaviors/anxiety/OCD/job, she doesn’t want him to be blamed. This is also the norm in abusive relationships.

15. Many experienced and well-trained officers see right through this typical pattern. Others buy the cover-up story. And, sadly, because some officers are also abusers, some side with the abuser even when they know exactly what’s going on. Throughout the video, we get the sense that Officer Robbins senses there’s more to the story.

16. I credit the police in Petito’s situation, especially Officer Robbins. The four responding officers (two of whom were park rangers) remained calm, they separated the couple, they interviewed them individually, they split them up for the night, they consulted the domestic violence shelter … many would say they did everything right considering the information they had at the time.

17. I imagine the officers involved may be suffering from tremendous guilt and wondering if they could have prevented Petito’s death, but I want to give credit to the officers in this case. While it’s easy to look back and say maybe they should have handled things differently, knowing what we now know, I was impressed with how well they treated both Laundrie and Petito (and, sadly, I was thinking how rare it is to see that level of respect and professionalism in most cases of domestic violence, particularly in the South where I’ve been most involved with survivors’ stories.)

18. After Petito was reported missing, many people expressed shock in response to the Laundrie family’s refusal to cooperate early in the investigation. Petito reportedly lived with the Laundrie family for more than a year. Anyone can see that this family will do anything to protect their son, even at the cost of an innocent young woman who was a real part of their family and soon to be their daughter-in-law. While most of us can certainly understand parents wanting to protect their son, most would agree they crossed a moral line when his fiancée went missing.

19. But perhaps it goes deeper than that. Perhaps what we’re seeing is a system of enablers who not only allowed their son to abuse Petito (which may have been a factor in her reported anxiety) but also a system of gaslighters who may have always been shifting the truth to keep Petito confused and make her believe she was the problem.

20. It’s not a far stretch to assume Petito was caught in a system of abuse. And once a target is caught in that psychological web, it’s extremely difficult to see a way out. Reality becomes flipped.

21. It’s also worth noting that Petito and Laundrie had been involved in various levels of a relationship since their teens. This is also commonly observed in dysfunctional partnerships.

22. These immature relationships work beautifully when both partners grow together and mature emotionally. But when one wants to keep the other down, naïve, and under his control … and the other is growing, learning, and maturing … it doesn’t work.

23. We hear Petito tell the officer that Laundrie didn’t think she could succeed with her travel blog (3.25). It seems clear that he didn’t believe in her and that he was trying to make her doubt herself.

24. Throughout the conversation, he implies that he locked her out of the van because she wouldn’t calm down. But when we listen to the full video, it seems he was upset because they’d spent too much time at the coffee shop with her working on her website when he wanted to go hiking. This suggests that because she wasn’t in the van when he was ready to leave, he lost his temper.

25. In the moments that followed, the altercation became physical. Reportedly, Laundrie squeezed Petito’s face with his hand, cut her down verbally, and criticized her.

26. Some would argue that this escalating abuse typically persists until the target reacts emotionally and/or physically. If this case follows the norm, Laundrie may have been trying to break her spirit, intentionally.

27. Why? Again, if this case follows the typical situation, it would likely be because Petito’s focus wasn’t 100% on Laundrie. She had found this new job she enjoyed. She was succeeding at it, and it was allowing her to connect with other people. (Remember, she’d already left her job as a nutritionist to travel around the country with Laundrie.)

28. In a healthy relationship, the new job might be considered a positive opportunity for Petito. Especially considering Laundrie admits they have very little money (not even enough to afford a hotel room to prevent his fiancée from going to jail). But in an unhealthy relationship, the abuser wants the target all to himself. And when that doesn’t happen, he can become increasingly violent.

29. Petito now had this one little piece of her life that Laundrie couldn’t control, so if we’re looking at textbook patterns, perhaps her blog angered him. Perhaps he didn’t like all the attention she was getting on social media. Perhaps he punished her for it. And then a cycle developed. Even though she was doing nothing wrong by building a new career.

30. The next thing we know, we have a missing person, a recovered body, a young man on the run, and several families destroyed. Too much grief to measure. And the truth is, it will happen again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, until we learn to recognize and respond to abusive situations in healthier ways.

The overall takeaway?

When we see someone at her emotional end during a domestic dispute, we shouldn’t assume she’s crazy. We shouldn’t buy into the false narrative given by the abuser. We shouldn’t believe the cover-up story by the target who has been conditioned to carry all the blame and shame. And we shouldn’t assume they’re going to be okay.

Instead, we should all learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. We should learn to recognize the warning signs of abuse. We should engage in respectful, fact-based conversations about trauma bonds, abusive cycles, and emotional intelligence. We should be familiar with terms like gaslighting, hovering, love bombing, enabling, triangulating, and projecting. We should stop blaming targets and help them reclaim their truth. And we should stop repeating the age-old myths that keep targets trapped in these dangerous and all-too-often deadly cycles.

Finally, while I’ve used the most common scenario of male-on-female violence in this article, we should recognize that abuse crosses all barriers and can impact anyone regardless of gender, sexuality, ethnicity, nationality, religious affiliation, age, or socio-economic level. And we should stop assuming these situations will get better in time. Personally, I haven’t heard of one abusive relationship that became healthier. Not one. Not with therapy. Not with church. Not with prayer or forgiveness or complete surrender. When an abuser is determined to destroy his target, he will not stop until that target is erased from this world or stripped from her life. And in many cases, he’ll walk away without any consequences, often taking the target’s finances, home, vehicle, reputation, or even her children with him.

Please don’t let the next statistic be you or someone you love. For support, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. From a safe phone, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.

[rockthingsbymeg]

honeymoon

Pairing: Slash / Saul Hudson x reader

Info: Fluff, smut [oral, male and female receiving]; 2192 words;

A/N: Hey, I’m back. It’s been really easy writing for Slash, especially fluff which is weird because I never feel like finishing the fluff’s I begin, and I already have some things fully written that I’ll post while writing even more. Thank you @sodalitefully​ and @onlyaxlrose​ for beta-reading <3

Y/N woke up with bright sunlight pouring through the enormous windows that showed them the beach. The sight, despite the burning in her eyes, took her breath away and brought a grin to her lips. The action made the dull ache on her jaw noticable for the first time that morning, what turned her grin into a half-smirk.

Her eyes left the golden sand and turquoise water and instead turned to the man who slept by her side with the sheets tangled between his legs, head buried in a fluffy pillow and an arm slung over her frame. On his finger rested his wedding ring, the silvery-golden color shining bright under the sunlight.

She could not believe they were actually married, and currently on honeymoon. She can still remember the day Steven had finally convinced her to go to one of their shows and then brought her backstage to meet everyone. To meet Slash. To meet the man that hadn't left her mind for months on end until Steven, high as a kite, let the cat out of the bag and ended up telling Slash she had a crush on him.

The day after Slash invited her to a date -nothing too formal, just a simple dinner and then a walk on the Sunset Strip, shy smiles and fluid conversation through the night- and that's when she found out Steven had told him. She wanted to die out of embarrassment for acting like a schoolgirl with a crush, but Slash was quick to put her at ease about it. Like he was quick to put her at ease when she timidly asked if the only reason he had invited her to this date was to see if he could get something out of this.

It wasn't his fault that she thought that way, and she rambled about how she didn't think he was that kind of guy and all that, but people had done that to her in the past and she was not willing to go through it again.

Slash assured her it was not it and confessed he had been planning on asking her out but didn't think it would go that well. It soothed her, and her shyness slowly melted as the night went on.

Since then, they had gone out on infinite dates, giving themselves to one another with each moment spent together, until no secrets or wall existed between them. Until Slash allowed himself to be sappy when he felt like it; until Y/N was not afraid to let herself go and be true to him, in every way possible.

One of the very last dates they went on was in L.A., in the old bar they used to go all the time when they were younger. The night had gone great, without the usual wildness that tended to come along, and it nearly made her cry about how much she loved being with him.

She did cry that night, two separate times. The first was when Slash proposed. His voice soothing and beautiful despite the ruckus happening inside his body, eyes never leaving hers and hair pulled in a loose ponytail so she could properly look at him. She had cried while saying yes multiple times, letting him put the ring on her and then throwing herself on his lap, kissing him with every ounce of love and passion and whatnot inside her.

The second one was, of course, later that night when they decided to celebrate their engagement in the most passionate, most selfless and selfish all together, lustful, sweaty, loudest way they knew. Lord pity their neighbors...

She really could not believe life had been this kind to her. Sure, there was trouble sometimes, to put it nicely, but she wouldn't have it any other way.

Right now, he was laying belly down on the matress his face could not be seen in between his wild curls, but she knew his red, plump lips were slightly parted, letting out the little snores that cut through the silence of the room. She smiled at the mental picture, turning to his side and planting feather-light kisses over his exposed, sun-kissed shoulders and up his neck, pushing his curls out of the way.

Once her lips met his, she found him smiling lazily, his thumb now stroking the skin of her waist. "Morning husband..." She grinned as he opened his eyes.

"Morning wife." He said with a chuckle, turning and laying flat on his back.

Y/N chuckled as well "Sounds too sappy for you..." She moved on the bed, straddling his waist and resting her head on his shoulder.

"Don't mind being sappy for you." He kissed the crown of her head.

She looked up at him with a cheek-hurting smile "Thank you for that, I like it when you're sappy. Not too sappy though." They laughed.

He smiled at her "I know baby." He closed the distance between them, kissing her lazily.

Y/N sighed into the kiss, letting him take the lead and moving her hand to his hair, holding it firmly, pulling a groan out of him. Her hips began to rut against his softly, her wetness gathering and his semi-hard cock stiffening even more.

Slash ended up breaking the kiss with a low moan as her hips began to move more firmly, placing one hand on her waist and another one loosely around her throat.

A faint whimper escaped her lips at that, pupils widening significantly and lips dropping open "Saul..."

"Hm?" He prompted, tightening his grip.

"Fuck me please..." She whispered, lifting her hips so he could push himself inside her.

He did so, moving slowly, allowing both of them to completely feel each other with each thrust. He rolled them on the bed, released her throat and instead pinned both her hands above her head, moving himself faster.

Y/N's eyes closed in ecstasy, moans getting louder, back arching slightly and breasts moving in tandem with Slash's moves. The sight made his moves falter a bit, but he quickly recovered "Open your eyes Y/N..." She moaned at the sound of his voice, tilting her head further against the pillows. "Open your eyes and look at me while I fuck you baby..." He groaned, moving faster as her eyes met his again.

After a few minutes, though not nearly as many as usual, her walls were clenching harder around him, her moans growing in pitch and number and small tears were gathering in her eyes.

"I'm gonna cum..." Y/N moaned, lacing her fingers with his.

Slash was surprised she was reaching breaking point this fast with so little effort. Usually, they both could last for a long time (on a occasion when Slash had come home from touring, they had gone at it for three and a half hours, with very little breaks in between) and now he was pretty sure not even fifteen minutes had gone by.

"I'm not close enough baby... Do you wanna stop for a bit?" He slowed down his thrusts, waiting for an answer.

"Make me cum..." She pulled her hands from his grip, moving them to his back, tucked under his arms "I'll make it up to you." She smirked, kissing him on the lips briefly.

Slash smirked back at her, picking up speed, getting the high pitched moans out of her again. He shifted his hips a little, angling them just right so the tip of his cock was hitting her g-spot repeatedly. Her cunt began, once again, to clench around him tightly, and her hands moved down his back to his ass, squeezing the flesh in her fingers -something she did more often than not before she came.

"Stop squeezing my ass." Slash laughed softly, not really understanding her gesture even after years of being together.

"Sorry, but it's too nice to stop." Y/N giggled, squeezing harder.

He laughed again and connected their lips in a kiss, right when she came. Her back arched, breasts pressing against his chest, eyelids dropping but not closing and their kiss breaking, her mouth molding into a perfect o shape, letting out honey-coated moans of his name.

"That's my girl..." Slash groaned, trying hard not to thrust up into her harder than before as she came down from her high.

He held still until her hands wandered back up and tangled into his hair, pulling him down for a slow kiss.

"Lay on the pillows..." She mumbled in between the kiss, letting him break it.

She whined when he pulled out, leaving her feeling empty. She always hated the feeling itself, but rejoiced in the feeling of being used for someone's pleasure that came with it.

Slash had settled by her side on the pillows, making an appreciative sound as she made herself comfortable between his legs. Her head was resting on his hips, mouth extremely close to his slick, hard cock and her hand moved to lazily jerk him off, grip not tight enough to have him coming, but not too loose it would just tease.

Their eyes were connected as long as she moved her hand, with the occasional flick of the wrist at the head and thumb collecting the pre-cum that dribbled out of him. When she felt him shift almost imperceptibly underneath her, a sing of his impatience, she lifted herself up and pulled him in between her lips.

Since the very beginning, Y/N always knew just how to move to have him trembling the second her mouth was on him. Her tongue lapped at him slowly and firmly and he could feel her lips sliding lower and lower until they met the hairs at the base of his cock, that was now tightly sheltered in her throat.

It was not often that Y/N deep-throated him this far, but it was pretty clear she didn't plan on stopping there, he realized, as she began to move shallowly, fucking her own throat.

The action literally punched the air out of him, and his hands soon found place in her hair, holding tightly but not guiding her. Her eyes lifted again and with a pleading look and a whine that reverberated all the way inside his body, he understood was she was trying to get him to do.

He planted his feet on the bed and used them for leverage as he set a pace with his hips. The lewd sounds spilling from Y/N's lips, alongside with a great deal of spit, made the coil in his stomach get tighter and tighter.

In any other occasion, he would be more worried about how little he was lasting. He would try to hold it off, for his own sake, and he maybe should do that today, because it was that often that he got to fuck her throat, especially not as carefree as this. But the little voice inside his head that kept on remembering him that his wife's hot, velvety, fucking perfect mouth is getting stuffed full with his cock, and that her throat keeps closing around his tip; that she's struggling to breath but doesn't stop because she needs him to fuck her hard like he's doing makes it pretty fucking difficult.

He just lets himself go, muttering a few warnings to her in his low, raspy voice, knowing she would swallow it all like the good girl she is.

From her place between his legs, watching him cum is like looking at a miracle. His arms tense and make the sweat shine more under the sunlight; his head drops back and his hair completely falls from his face, allowing her to watch his eyes roll back in his head and eventually fall closed; his lips red with bite marks all over them...

She can't think of any other words except for breath-fucking-taking!

When he let her up again, she was quick to lick her lips and his cock to get the cum that eventually spilled out of her lips, seeing as he tended to cum a lot. She moved back to his side and rested against him, letting one of his arms fall over her shoulders while the other one pulled her leg on top of his waist and stroked her skin.

She looked up at him and smiled as he was already looking down at her "I'm not saying this just because you blew my brains out of my head-" He smiled when she snorted "- but I love you so fucking much." He grinned, moving a few hairs out of her face.

Y/N's throat hurt a lot when she spoke and her voice would have scared the shit out of her, had she not been waiting for it. "I love you too." Slash smirked like an idiot at the sound of it. "You think it's amazing because you're not the one having to talk to people with the same tone of voice as Axl when he tries to sing with his throat fucked up." She rolled her eyes, stretching on top of him like a cat.

Slash laughed loudly at that, the sound making his chest vibrate against her face. Fuck she loved him...

---

Thank you so much for reading. Likes, reblogs, comments and any kind of way you show me you liked this are endlessly appreciated💛

Tagging: @siriuslymooned (if anyone wants to be tagged let me know <3)

[lily-mj-fae]

I’m making this post to continue from a comment thread because i hate comments. It takes way too many to say everything at once. So @everlustsstuff this is just my response (this post really got away with me and my thoughts and it got long so i’m putting it under a read more):

First of all. I absolutely do believe Elain has her flaws and faults. A large part of her actions are based on who she is as a person. Her inaction is her biggest fatal flaw. It’s an ugly one, that stems from who she is. It’s awful. And she’s made a few steps in the direction to correct that flaw, but she absolutely has a long way to go. But she’s also not really getting any help there either, because she’s surrounded by people who are content to just leave her as she was. Which kind of leaves her with very few resources to figure herself out. 

Who she is, stems from a mixture of nature and nurture. The nature part for her I believe is that desire to people please, the kindness, the general bright and bubbly joy that exudes from her. Just her brains wiring. (and this is a part that i get because that is me too. Just in general a really happy person even in some of the bleakest times. And that is one thing I love elain for. Is how much Feyre admires that. Because believe me, enough people look down on that behavior and it sucks, even if you haven’t done anything wrong).

I do have a tendency to speak more on other people’s actions around her, because I’m far more interested in how other people’s actions affect that (also because like I said, i already get the first part. so it’s really just not as interesting to me). And on top of those things, Elain has been very sheltered, at all points by people around her. (Most Notably her sisters). And that has had a huge part on who she is. Let’s be honest, the girls raised each other. Which has clearly led to some issues (because ya know, they were children and siblings, not parents).

Two of the biggest things that annoyed the hell out of me in ACOTAR are:

1) Why didn’t they grow their own vegetables? Elain had a garden. They were clearly too broke to buy them. And for days when they didn’t have meat, it would be a great option. Like, did they seriously only eat meat? IDK, it seems so unlikely to me. So why wasn’t Elain growing them? 

I know a lot of fandom headcanons that she did. I on ocassion will. But i think my friend has it right. Headcanon that she TRIED but it didn’t work out and then likely gave up (because ya know, i think it’s another character trait, even flaw. She seems quick to give up). Because when gardening with Feyre in the nice house, she mentions that she plans on learning how to grow vegetables (which I think is a form of growth within her character. No matter how small it is to us as readers). (also tying into this why doesn’t she cook? but again, something that she’s now worked on rectifying on her own...in the sense she sought instruction on her own volition, to learn from the shadow twins).

2) That when Feyre asks Nesta to chop wood, and Nesta refuses, why doesn’t Elain just go do it herself? Or why doesn’t Feyre just ask Elain. Like i know Feyre mentions not being sure if Elain just doesn’t know what to do or is just actively choosing not to do anything, but then...why not ask her? She was willing to ask Nesta. So Elain doesn’t get asked, and she doesn’t do it herself. Instead we see her plead with Nesta. Is she just incapable? As a people pleaser (and someone who has at least shown interest, albeit later in the series in learning things), it would actually be totally within character for her to go do it herself when Feyre so clearly asks for help and Nesta rejects. Imagine how happy they’d all be if they had wood and Nesta and feyre weren’t arguing about it. So why doesn’t she?

I have my theories. And yes. It 100% has to do with her being sheltered. Do I think that she tried, and Nesta went to stop her? Yes I do. I absolutely do. It would be within character for Nesta, who doesn’t want her sister to be subjected to the harsher side of reality. (Especially because i stand by my comparison of her protectiveness. Which I think would have started sometime after their mother died. I think it would have been the first time they ever saw Elain not her bubbly happy self. And let me tell you. When people care about a bubbly person who is not being bubbly. They get WORRIED. MASSIVELY). But I could be wrong. I just don’t think Nesta’s pattern of behavior has changed that much (aside from her choosing to step in and help Feyre on her own, not because she was harassed into it) that it is terribly unlikely. 

Elain is sheltered a lot. Even sheltered from the consequences of HER choices and actions. Which mean she’s not going to learn or grow from those experiences. It seems that Feyre herself has desires/expectations that Nesta should, should be doing her part moreso than she does Elain (obviously she still has hopes/expecations with Elain too. But most of the ire is directed at nesta is feels like). So if she’s spent a large part of her life being sheltered, taking actions that she doesn’t necessarily think about the worst that can happen. Because she doesn’t see it. I mean, She is the one that chose to help Feyre first (when Feyre came to involve them in things on her own). She was the one that pushed for them to do exactly what Feyre was asking. But who ultimately did most of the work? Nesta. And we see in Wings and Ember that Nesta will not allow Elain to be involved. Because she wants to protect Elain from the potential consequences of Graysen finding out. If he found out, and only Nesta had been involved, he already hated her, he’d probably whisk Elain away to keep her safe. But if he knew Elain had been involved? Even though she was trying to help her sister, and everyone else, he’d have left her. With all this in mind, it’s a massive downfall to Elain. But it is also inline 100% with the life she’s led.

And we see Nesta and Feyre again, try to protect her from the fall out of her choices, when Elain comes up with her plan to help the humans. One in which she is vital to. Nesta and Feyre immediately seek to protect her from the pain they all know is coming. And this is where we see Elain starting to outwardly recognize actions have consequences (because she does acknowledge that they failed Feyre when growing up to defend Nesta from the inner circle completely blaming Nesta and not her and she doesn’t try to excuse it. She accepts her guilt there). Because she reminds them that 1) Graysen wouldn’t see any of them except her. and 2) She understands that things are already bad. But it doesn’t change that she needs to face it (Again, some good growth in her character for recognizing that).

Second of all I don’t disagree that the characters need to stop babying Elain. I don’t even disagree that Nesta has stopped (I just disagree with how she’s pushing her away all together. But that’s Nesta coping with her trauma poorly. Just as i think Elain’s repressing is a poor coping mechanism because it’s going to come back and bite her in the ass when it all bubbles out of her control). I’m glad Nesta has taken a step back. It might be a few too many in the wrong direction. And it’s absolutely going to have an effect on their relationship, but I’m glad Nesta is trying to separate from Elain. I want Elain to get away from the IC (at least as a group together). I want her to get the hell out of the Night court and see the world. Because that’s the one thing we know she does want to do. And that would come with experiences. 

But them continuing to baby her, mixed with some of her past experiences, doesn’t change

I want to see Elain be trained. Give her some self-defense training. Try to help her train in her power. Let her get out. 

The reason I bring up Nesta especially when Elain is being criticized for “not helping Nesta” when Nesta did so much for her, is because I really don’t think Nesta did so much to help Elain as she did to simply protect her. Not only because I feel like it’s making assumptions out of large chunks of time that we know nothing about (time between acowar and acofas, and acofas and acosf), but because it also makes assumptions of what is going on that we cant see because of limited perspectives. And because it makes a lot, what I feel, are inaccurate statements in Nesta’s favor. 

Which is where my comparison of Nesta to Tamlin comes in. Because despite everything, despite his temper problems that were a real problem, there are parallels that i’ve pointed out a few times. And Elain, being who she isn’t, isn’t going to fight back as much as Feyre did (those there are certainly some parallels between Elain and Feyre too). She would rather keep the peace. So she mostly accepts it. She is repressing her trauma and just doing what’s expected, the way Feyre was kind of trying to. But we do see her push back a little. Namely to help feyre and then to help the humans. But in these instances, she knew exactly what was needed. Expectations were laid out in front of her. Everything she has done, every step she’s taken, there’s been something there to guide her in that direction. and now, she has no direction. She knows Nesta needs help. But that’s the one thing she doesn’t know how to do. She used to just go to Nesta, comfort her, etc. And that’s not working. Nesta is pushing her away. With that, plus the fact that she has her own traumas and her own issues and figuring out her new place in this new world, that quick to give up (though i don’t call at least a year [war was in spring, acofas was winter, and from exerpt we know elain at least had something to do with nesta through her spring birthday] being “quick” even if they are immortals. Time is still going to mean something to them for a while). But most of the conversations and actual plans and events, happened without Elain present. Elain isn’t aware of those things going on. They’re trying not to key her in. So because she’s not there for those, because things are being planned but likely not told to her until well after, she’s not able to speak up on those. She doesn’t know what to speak out on. She’s not so independent. 

Overall, i think that was actually so incredibly detrimental to her. Was Elain in a good headspace? Absolutely not. Could it have easily backfired for her to try to speak her mind at the highlord’s meeting? Absolutely. But not giving her a choice, not allowing her those experiences, kept her from learning or growing. It kept her locked away and secluded. Which is another reason, at least when it comes to this mentioned debate, i don’t like it. Like, i have been told, Nesta was with Elain 24/7 from Nesta stans trying to act like this was all so great for Elain’s character and absolutely the best thing for her. Even though that statement is so false it’s not even funny. And so many people act like this was good, yet think tamlin is this irredeemable monster even just for his similar actions (those are not the actions I think should be irredeemable. I think it’s destroying the study in a violent manner that would have seriously injured feyre if she hadn’t been able to shield, and the outright ignoring her pleas to not be locked inside, and the trying to force her back to the point where he sided with hybern that should fall into those, but eh i don’t care about him enough to say he’s irredeemable) even though the same thing happens to Elain. But with Elain it’s: “It was for her own good.” “They were just protecting her” “They just love her”. Which...is exactly why Tamlin was so fiercely protective of Feyre. I think it’s the one good thing about the actions. They were based in love. But also incredibly detrimental.

Because Elain was so excluded and sheltered from what was going on, she ended up being left behind and alone. Left with strangers (Nuala and Cerridwen...even Amren, who is barely an acquaintance) when they ran off to do their things, and then left to be a sitting duck in the middle of a battlefield. (Velaris remaining untouched while they were in the battles, Elain would have been safer away from them). If they were going to have her there, they should have trained her some. And so Elain (who gets mocked for not wanting to wear leathers) seeks what little comfort she can, in the tent and in the clothing she wears. Because that’s an overwhelming place to be when you’re been left in the dark about everything and have no useful or practical skills. 

And yes, she could have learned. She could have done what Nesta did and tried to go help heal. Or anything like that. And she didn’t. Again, because she lacked the initiative because she was in a different place (not in the same tent that most of those things were going on that say led Nesta to try to help the healers) and it wasn’t placed before her. And i would love to see her learn to get past that in future books.

But I do think a lot of her actions are driven by those around her because she is a people pleaser. She’s not confrontational (except in a few small instances). And she doesn’t challenge a lot. She accepts a lot at face value. And it’s biting her in the ass. So she’s going to need to learn. 

[themusedump]

Halsey + Manic (2020) sentence memes because I truly love this album. I don’t like it as much as badlands but it really is good. I plan on doing a meme of all three of her major albums. 

ashley

“I can't remember why the decision wasn't mine but it seems I'm only clinging to an idea now.” “Took my heart and sold it out to a vision that I wrote myself.” “I only wanna die some days.” “When I burst into flames I'll leave you the dust, my love.” “I told you I'd spill my guts.” “Seems like now it's impossible to work this out.” “Is it really that strange if I always wanna change?” “I think I'm making a mistake” “But if I decide to break, who will fill the empty space?” “Apart from my beating heart. It's a muscle but it's still not strong enough to carry the weight of the choices I've made.” “I told you I'd ride this out.” “It's getting harder every day somehow.”

clementine

“And in my world, the people on the street don't know my name.” “Because in my world, I'm constantly, constantly havin' a breakthrough.” “Would you make out with me underneath the shelter of the balcony?“ “'Cause I don't need anyone,” “I don't need anyone. I just need everyone and then some.” “The blush in your cheeks says that you bleed like me.” “Would you make out with me on the floor of the mezzanine?” “And still with one eye open, well, all I see is you.” “I left my daydreams at the gate because I just can't take 'em too.”

graveyard

“It's crazy when the thing you love the most Is the detriment.” “Oh, 'cause I keep digging myself down deeper.” “I won't stop till I get where you are.” “They say I may be making a mistake.” “I woulda followed all the way, no matter how far.” “You look at me with eyes so dark I don't know how you even see.” “Oh, it's funny how the warning signs can feel like they're butterflies.”

you should be sad

“I gotta get it off my chest.” “Got no anger, got no malice, just a little bit of regret.” “Know nobody else will tell you.” “No, you're not half the man you think that you are.” “You can't fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs and cars.” “I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you.” “You can't love nothing unless there's something in it for you.” “Oh, I feel so sorry.” “I feel so sad.” “I tried to help you, it just made you mad.” “And I had no warning about who you are.” “I'm just glad I made it out.” “Won't see your alligator tears ‘cause, no, I've had enough of them.” “I really meant well from the start.” “Take a broken man right in my hands and then put back all his parts.” “You can't fill the hole inside of you with money, girls and cars.” “You should be sad.”

forever ... (is a long time)

“And I curse the ground for growing green.” “I spent a long time substituting honest with sarcastic.” “I curse my tongue for being mean.” “He cut me open, sucked the poison from an aging wound.” “I could never hold a perfect thing and not demolish it.” “What am I thinking? What does this mean?” “How could somebody ever love me?” “Talk to your man, tell him he's got bad news coming.”

dominic's Interlude

“Your eyes are fragile and timeless.” “There's power in the words you whisper.” “He/she treats you cold and so mindless.” “Your eyes are drawn to the wine list.” “You should know there's power in the words you're thinking.” “Walk on the edge with someone new.” “You can take a chance, come take my hand.”

I HATE EVERYBODY

“I'm my own biggest enemy.” “My friends are getting bored of me.” “I don't know what they all think of me.” “But in reality I don't even remember anything but thinking you're the one.” “And I can force a future like it's nothing.” “I just hate everybody.” “Why can't I go home without somebody?” “I could fall in love with anybody who don't want me.” “I hate everybody. But, maybe I don't.” “I know I've got a tendency to exaggerate what I'm seein.” “It's 'cause I notice every single thing that's ever happening in the moment.” “But none of it is love so while I'm waiting for it.” “If I could make you love me, maybe you could make me love me.” “And if I can't make you love me then I'll just hate everybody.”

3am

“Darling, I've just left the bar.” “I've misplaced all my credit cards.” “Think I took it way too far.” “My insecurities are hurting me.” “Someone, please come and flirt with me.” “I really need a mirror that'll come along and tell me that I'm fine.” “I do it every time.” “Come on and make me feel alright again.” “I'm calling everybody that I know.” “I need it digital ‘cause, baby, when it's physical, I end up alone.” “Know that my identity's always gettin' the best of me.” “I'm the worst of my enemies and I don't really know what to do with me.” “And will you please pick up the fucking phone?“

without me

“Found you when your heart was broke.” “Took it so far to keep you close.” “I was afraid to leave you on your own.” “I said I'd catch you if you fall ad if they laugh, then fuck 'em all.” “And then I got you off your knees, put you right back on your feet just so you could take advantage of me.” “You know I'm the one who put you up there,” “Does it ever get lonely thinking you could live without me?” “I don't know why.” “Just running from the demons in your mind. then I took yours and made 'em mine.” “I didn't notice 'cause my love was blind.” “You don't have to say just what you did .I already know.” “So tell me, how's it feel?”

finally // beautiful stranger

“Sour apple baby, but you taste so sweet.” “And I wonder if you'd like to meet.” “Your voice is velvet through a telephone.” “You can come to mine, but both my roommates are home.” “Think I know a bar where they would leave us alone.” “And I wonder if you'd take it slow.” “The truth is this. That I've never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss.” “And I'm terrified, but I can't resist.” “Beautiful stranger, here you are in my arms.” “I know that beautiful strangers only come along to do me wrong.” “But I think it's finally safe for me to fall.” “And I wonder if it goes too far.” “I've never recognized a purer face.” “You stopped me in my tracks and put me right in my place.” “Used to think that loving meant a painful chase.” “But you're right here now and I think you'll stay.”

alanis' interlude

“Bit my nails down so they wouldn't scratch.” “But who believes in needs like these?” “I'll take two of 'em, please.” “All these beautiful laughs and beautiful thighs.” “Your pussy is a wonderland.” “And I could be a better man.” “It doesn't matter to me.” “And I have never felt the difference.” “Bad news, think I'll probably die before I have you.”

killing boys

“Told me pick my battles and be picking 'em wise but I wanna pick 'em all and I don't want to decide.” “No more, no more, anymore.” “So we'll sneak in the back and then we'll kick in the door.” “Tell me have you ever keyed a Ferrari before?” “Oh no, oh I don't anymore.” “And I'm not breaking, I won't take it.” “And I won't ever feel this way again.” “'Cause you don't need me anymore.” “And I won't ever try again.” “All I want in return is revenge.” “Cause I don't need you anymore.” “So where do you go?”

SUGA's Interlude (I’m not going to use the translations of this one because I have no way of telling how accurate they are sorry.)

“I been trying all my life to separate the time in between the having it all and giving it up,.” “I wonder what's in store if I don't love it anymore.”

more

“They told me once nothing grows when a house ain't a home.” “Is it true, honestly?” “Wanna scream but what's the use?“ “I just can't take it no more.” “They told me it's useless.” “There's no hope in store.” “But somehow I just want you more.” “Wonder will we ever meet?“ “And would you know it right away how hard I tried to see your face?” “'Cause I still believe it won't be like before.” “And when you decide it's your time to arrive, I've loved you for all of my life.” “And nothing could stop me from giving a try. I've loved you for all of my life.” “Somehow I'll still love you more.”

still learning

“I should be living the dream.” “I got a paranoia in me.” “And you wouldn't believe everything that I've seen.” “I know that I've done some wrong but I'm trying to make it right.” “I know that I love you but I'm still learning to love myself.” “I go home and I got no self-esteem.”

929

“Well, who am I?” “Can't remember half the time that I've been alive.” “Don't meet your heroes, they're all fucking weirdos." “Because nobody loves you, they just try to fuck you.” “And who do you call when it's late at night?” “You gotta promise us that you won't die cause we need you.” “And it's just these things that I'm thinking for hours.” “I lost the love of my life to an ivory powder but then I realise that I'm no higher power.” “I wasn't in love then and I'm still not now and I'm so happy I figured that out.” “I've got a long way to go until self-preservation.” “Think my moral compass is on a vacation.” "I can't believe I still feed my fucking temptation.” “And I'm still looking for my salvation.” “And I'm a fucking liar.”

I'm Not Mad

“I'm not even mad anymore.” “I don't even want you back anymore.” “I don't remember what we had anymore.” “I hope your back aches and your knees hurt.” “I hope you think about me sleeping in your t-shirt.” “I hope your little brother turns out to be nothing like you.” “I hope that you hurt more than I do.” “And honestly I still wish you nothing but the best.” “I know that you're still self-obsessed.” “I hear the wicked get no rest but when you do I hope you'll dream of me.” “I don't even hope you die these days.” “I hope you live 'til eighty-five these days.” “I hope it's eating you alive these days.” “I've got a twenty dollar bill that says that you never ever ever gonna change.”

Wipe Your Tears

“Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby.” “Nothing's gonna make you cry.” “I'll be damned if I ever let another hand wipe your tears before they dry.” “Keep your friends close but this pretty girl closer.” “But she's so cold but the world is colder.” “Take her in my lap and I promise that I'll hold her.” “My bed is too big for only me.”

[chacecrawfcrd-archive]

addition to the family | chaia

who: kaia gerber ( @minicrawford ) & chace crawford

summary: kaia surprises chace by making a charity appointment at a dog shelter. they head to the shelter after chace is done filming for the day and end up adopting a new puppy together.

date: april 17th, 2021

location: toronto, canada

warnings: none

Kaia: Kaia had not let go of Chace hand in the past few days. Not if it wasn’t absolutely, one hundred percent necessary...or she was having her hands on any other part of his body. Their little getaway had been perfect and yet, maybe she enjoyed watching him on set even more. From originally anxiously clutching his hand, afraid she wouldn’t fit in, wouldn’t be taken serious or would feel out of place to wrapping her arms around him in breaks while talking to his co-stars had been a natural evolution and not even the little curdle of jealousy she had felt towards his female cast mates had flared up at all. Instead, after all the ups and downs and heartbreak of the last few weeks, it felt like things finally came together really naturally and while Kaia didn’t think it was because of the ring on her finger, perhaps not hiding it was part of why it felt so easy now. Most days post work for Chace were usually spent either just the two of them and some take out food, or dinner with the cast but today was a little bit different. Kaia normally never ever even bothered to open messages from Instagram accounts she didn’t follow, but the other day there had been one that caught her attention. An animal shelter. Apparently her, as well as Chaces love for four legged friends was hard to miss and so, the messaged had asked if they’d consider to make a visit and perhaps share a few photos in order to help find a home for the furry little inhabitants of the shelter. Who was she to deny? And there was no doubt in Kaias mind that Chace felt the same way which was why she had agreed before she even asked her husband and then promptly forgot to tell him. Chace had just wrapped filming for the day and once he walked towards her Kaia closed the book she had been holding in her lap without actually reading it for the past 30 minutes while thinking about how to tell him of the little adventure they were about to embark on. “How quickly can you get out of this suit and make me the happiest girl alive?” Now, she should have specified this perhaps, knowing that the connotations may sound a bit different to him than what they were actually about to do but she felt absolutely no shame about that right now. Anything to get him into the car and to their destination. “I’ll wait for you in the car..have a very special surprise for you!” She added grinning, her lips softly meeting his for a second before she ushered him towards his trailer to get changed while she already went to the car, deciding it was easier for her to drive for once instead of letting him in on where they were going already.

Chace: Their little belated honeymoon had been just as relaxing as he'd imagined. On top of all the hiking and spending quality time inside their cabin it gave them a chance to bond even a little more than they had the best couple of months. He'd even go as far as saying every day since they rekindled he felt like he was falling more in love with her. The vacation itself had felt like a prolonged trip and at the same time like it was too short but luckily it didn't mean they would be separated yet. Everyone who knew him was aware that he barely ever brought a girl he was dating - or in Kaia's case married to - with him to work unless she was his co-star anyway and supposed to shoot scenes as well. It was mostly due to the fact that he tried as much as possible to keep his private life separated from his work life but with Kaia actually being there and seeing first hand how smoothly all of this could go, he actually started to wonder why he'd been so opposed to it in the first place. And it had been heartwarming to see how the cast and crew instantly accepted her right from the start - not that he'd really expected anything else considering the were some of the kindest people he'd ever met. Another reason why coming back to the set and getting to work with whoever was on schedule as well was always something he was really stoked about.Today's filming schedule had been fun except for maybe spending the entire day in the suit again considering it wasn't the most comfortable. But he'd sacrifice that any day if it meant getting to work on this show even longer. However, he was also always looking forward to the end of the day because it meant he could take it off which he was just about to do now but not without taking a little detour and approaching Kaia first to get a kiss from her. Chace was just about to lean in and press his lips to her when he was taken a little off guard by her words, smirking at her words. "Does making me watch film scenes in this suit makes you horny?" He asked, but no matter her intentions or her answer he was willing to change as quickly as he could if that meant it would make her happy. "Okay." A soft laugh escaped him when he noticed how eager she was to leave set today, shaking his head slightly as he headed to the trailer and get changed. As soon as he was done with that, he grabbed his phone and wallet before heading to the car getting in on the passengers side once he noticed she was sitting in the drivers seat. "Are you going to tell me where we're going or am I not supposed to ask any questions?" He looked at her with a grin on his face clearly amused by the whole situation.

Kaia: "Yes, I just really, really like green!" Kaia teased him back good-naturedly before she grinned. "But if that thought makes you change out of this thing quicker and move to the car then yes, makes me really horny!" She added grinning before she basically pushed him towards his trailer, spending her time waiting for him fiddling with the stereo of the car and plugging in her own music for some music. The bonus of being the driver, full control over the music. "Finally!" She exclaimed when Chace opened the car door, not that she had actually waited a long time. "You can ask all the questions in the world but I am not sure I can answer any of them right now. Or want to!"  She could easily tell him, she knew he would be in for a little charity visit like this, but somehow she liked to surprise him right now and so decided to just stay quiet for now. He'd find out soon enough. Backing out of the parking lot Kaia made sure the GPS was properly set up before she looked over at him for a minute, the grin on her face so bright it was hard not to actually spill her plan right that second. Instead she stayed unusually quiet for the duration of the drive, one of her hands occasionally moving from the steering wheel to his hand or onto his knee. "So technically I am kind of making you work more today, but I think you wont actually mind it too much...!" She finally broke her silence as she turned a corner and the shelter appeared in their view. The car was quickly parked and if Kaias faced had been smiling brightly before now she was positively beaming. "You get to meet some doggos tonight!" She finally told him although, with the barking and yapping inside and the sign on the building he could perhaps already gather that much. "i was contacted and they said they really would appreciate a bit of publicity and I thought...no harm in taking some pictures with some cute little balls of fur and doing some good at the same time?"

Chace: “Hey, I need to literally peel myself out of this thing, you’re lucky I was even that quick!” He playfully defended himself when she made it seem like she was waiting forever for him to get to the car. “So you’re Mrs. secretive today, huh?” The bright smile and the amount of excitement written all over her face was probably one of the cutest things he’d ever seen and she was definitely capable of making him excited just by simply radiating it herself. So much that he didn’t even mind that she put on her music or was taking the drivers seat to surprise him today - not that he’d ever mind that anyway. But damn, he could watch her beaming like this and being impatient, wanting nothing more than to reach their destination like this all day. It elicited a feeling inside him so perfectly heartwarming he could hardly describe it with words. And he somehow compensated it as he lifted her hand up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to it while she was holding his. “You’re making me kind of work?” He asked right when his eyes caught sight of the shelter sign, chuckling when she clarified why they were here. “You’re absolutely right. There’s no harm in that.” He leaned over and closed the gap between their bodies for a moment before he pressed a gentle kiss against her lips. “Let’s go and meet some fur balls then.” Chace winked at her before he got out of the car and walked around it to help her out as well, grabbing her hand and walking towards the front door where they were already greeted by a worker who was expecting them. “Hi, I’m Liv and it’s so nice to meet you! Thank you so much for agreeing to help us out and heading out here to meet our dogs and help them find some families.” The brunette woman greeted them with a smile that could almost match Kaia’s.

Kaia: "I also have fantastic plans for dinner, just in case you didnt like my meeting fur ball plans!" Though actually, she had been very sure he would enjoy this plan. Her hands intertwined with his only letting go for an instant to greet Liv, whom she had been writing with, embracing her in a short little hug, still beaming. "No need to thank us, happy to help, right?" Kaia looked over at Chace again as they moved into the shelter, Kaias face still shining brightly and really, she was trying to listen and interact with what Liv was saying, but being greeted by a large german shepherd who they were told was actually Livs, her attention already wavered. They were getting a tour through the facility for a while, a lot of nods and smiles, the place surely making the lives of the dogs as happy as it could be in a shelter, but truthfully, Kaia only truly caught up with they were being told when they approached the next room and she caught the words *"...a few weeks to a few months old, all having been bought over Holidays or as Valentines Day gifts and ultimately abandoned again!" * Now, the topic was cruel and horrible, but the thought of a room full of little fur balls...a bit like real life 101 Dalmatians just without them all being Dalmatians, Kaia was more than ready to meet them and god she was not being disappointed. The playful barking and yapping stopped for one second when the door opened and they stepped in, only to continue in tenfolds as the dogs came to inspect the people that interrupted their playtime. One little guy even bringing a brightly coloured toy already, demandingly throwing it at Chace. "Feels just like home, huh?" Kaia asked teasing as she looked over at Chace, trying not to get as excited as all the young puppies around her but...she might be failing at it.

Chace: His gaze met hers, giving her a playful eye roll when she claimed that she even for a moment thought he wouldn't like this idea. Though the least he'd do was complain about dinner plans on top of this - as he had to admit - very genius plan. No matter how much he liked and enjoyed alone time with her no matter what they were doing, he had to say that this was probably his favorite thing they'd done all week. While they introduced themselves and giving Liv a brief handshake, he followed suit as his thumb gently caressed the back of Kaia's hand absentmindedly. The care this shelter took of the dogs could immediately be seen considering all of them looked happy and healthy, yet he obviously hoped they'd find a forever home soon enough. But with how passionate they were and hopefully their visit that would happen at least for a few of the dogs. However, it seemed like Liv was counting on the cuteness factor of the youngest ones right away, obviously making a stop in the large room they kept the puppies in. Kaia's excitement was already very contagious (and heart-warming) but the dogs seemed to be able to up that within the first ten seconds after they entered the room, smirking when he was greeted by the sound of a toy being dropped right in front of his feet. Kaia's comment earned a laugh from him in response as he squatted down to pick up the toy and of course pet the dog's head before he raised to his feet again teasing the little puppy for a moment as he held the toy just close enough for him to jump and steal it from his hand before he threw it across the room, watching the dog chase after it. "Definitely feels like home." His gaze met hers, smiling at her. "Just don't fall in love with one of them and dump me for the dog."

Kaia: “I wouldn’t dump you!” And truer words really had never been spoken, the way her eyes and smile had followed his movements as he greeted the little fellow in front of him, or well one of the many, a clear indicator for that. She had actually watched him so intently she had not even yet greeted all the little fur babies herself. “I wouldn’t dump you but I can’t promise I won’t fall in love!” Kaia now added as she crouched down to welcome some puppy love from the excited puppies that had decided not to run after the toy that had been thrown for them, or had already gotten distracted from it again. “How did anyone abandon you sweet little babies?” Kaia asked absentmindedly as she tried to give each of them equal attention, which was hard since one puppy in particular had decided to park herself right across Kaias lap, happily presenting her tummy to be scratched. “Look at that, someone knows exactly what she wants, look at this little rascal!” Kaia told Chace, reaching out for him with one hand to both, get his attention and to pull him closer.

Chace: His previous words had (of course) only been a joke. Well, at least the part about her dumping him for the dog but the falling in love part was maybe a more serious warning because right now, he was convinced they wouldn't and couldn't take a dog home with them. Shiner and Milo probably wouldn't be too happy about having to share them with one more dog. Yet with the amount of cuteness in the room, he was sure it was nearly impossible for both of them resisting the urge to adopt one of those fur babies. That was basically proven only a moment later when Kaia was now occupied with greeting and playing with as many of them as possible, basically doing her best to convince him to join in and honestly, who was he to decline that offer? He chuckled lightly as he sat down next to them, glancing at Kaia taking a moment to take in the happy look on her face before he began scratching the puppy's tummy. "She clearly knows the cuteness factor works really good on humans." Liv was giving them some time with puppies and used it to refill the puppies bowls, adding some fresh water and food. "And this cutie obviously knows how to claim a human almost all to herself." Chace looked at the puppy while another one approached them and sat down right in front of them, waiting for them to pet him as well. "If this is going to continue we probably won't be able to make your dinner plans come true tonight."

Kaia: “Of course she knows, she’s a smart little girl!” Kaia answered grinning as she looked at the dog on her lap that seemed very content now that Chace was scratching her belly. The hardest part was probably to try and divide attention between all the little pups, all of them adorable and deserving love and a happy little home - and they all sure did put on their best show, well not all of them, some were busy with the food that had just been given to them and others seemed exhausted from all the excitement and were already starting to doze off. “Hey there buddy!” Kaia greeted the one that sat down in front of them, reaching out to caress the soft fur which seemed to disturb the one on her lap, who decided to climb from her over to Chace, curling up on his lap contently. “Worst case scenario dinner is going to be take-out, but who even cares, this is so much better than dinner!” The enthusiasm simply wasn’t fading and how could it? This was quite literally heaven. Not forgetting why they actually were here Kaia did end up taking out her phone, taking some videos of all the adorable rascals around them but ultimately her attention did sway back to Chace and the pupperoo that has claimed her spot with him there. “You two look cute together, I’m almost getting a bit jealous here!” She teased as she got down again next to him, leaning in for a quick peck on her husbands cheek before she her attention was back on the puppy. “She looks very comfy with you!”

Chace: "Take out is totally fine as well." He agreed, rather wanting to spend more time with Kaia at the shelter than leave earlier than they'd like to just to grab dinner. Both of them obviously had the same priority. When the puppy switched laps and was now occupying his instead of Kaia's, he couldn't help the amused look on his face. Considering how she had instantly claimed Kaia, he wasn't too surprised that she wasn't all about sharing attention and he made sure to keep focusing his on her for now. Running his fingers through her fur, he looked up at his wife once she spoke to him, smirking at her. "Don't worry, you're still the one I want to take back to the hotel with me." Chace winked and smiled when she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. As if the puppy wanted to comment on what just happened, she made a sound that almost sounded like a scoff causing him to laugh softly in response. "Yeah, I guess you're right and she's not too happy about not being the one to be taken back to the hotel with me." Lifting his hand to scratch the dog's head gently, he then met his wife's gaze again. "You okay with me leaving you here and taking her instead?"

Kaia: If this little puppy lady was anything is was opinionated it seemed, the little sound that came out when Kaia had kissed Chace showed that much. “Oh, so you want all the love and attention?” Kaia asked the puppy as if it would answer anytime soon and leant down to press a tiny kiss on the puppys forehead. “Did she just seduce you within seconds. You just said you are still taking me back with you!” Kaia  jokingly protested for a moment before he leant against Chaces shoulder looking at the little dog in his lap and her husbands face, her gaze drifting between the two. “I mean you once told me you aren’t into threesomes but I think you might have to change your mind...!”

Chace: "Yes, she clearly did." He titled his head slightly to the side, grinning at Kaia as he was clearly just joking around. "Nah, still not into it so I guess it's either you or her for me and that decision is a really rough one to make." The actor teased, though his decision hadn't actually changed and he was still planning on taking her home and not adopting another dog. Said dog was currently falling asleep in his lap without a doubt entirely comfortable and not planning on moving anytime soon. "Or maybe that decision will be made by me staying here forever with her."

Kaia: “She’s a stunner, I can tell you have a typed!” Kaia teased straight back, her face filled with amusement as well as utter love for the little creature that was curling up on her husbands lap, eyes fluttering, trying to stay awake but failing miserably. “I’d so put my head next to hers on your lap right now but you might get the wrong idea then...or maybe that’s the way to convince you of this threesome idea!” Again, a joke and yet Kaia already knew she’d struggle to leave this little one behind. None of them deserved to be there of course, but this one had pulled on her heartstrings. “You can’t stay with here forever, that would be rude towards shiner..you could bring him a little sister though...!”

Chace: “Oh will you hush about this now?” Chace let out a laugh before leaning in and kissing her. “I don’t wanna associate a threesome with an innocent little puppy, you perv.” Of course he knew she didn’t mean it in that sense and it was just her subtle way of saying she’d maybe like to take her home with them but he decided to dismiss it slightly. He wasn’t sure if they really had the time for a third dog. Sure they had someone who walked the dogs or who’d sit them whenever they were away and couldn’t take them with them so they could just add one more dog to that but he also didn’t want a puppy to barely see them in the first few months. “Yeah, I know. Can’t break contracts and all that jazz but I don’t know if Shiner would be that happy about it. Or Milo.”

Kaia: “I’m not a perv, I’m trying to entice you here and clearly I am failing!” She truly wasnt thinking this through but how could she with that little ball of fur cuddling with Chace and looking so utterly peaceful? And anyways, how much more work could one more dog be. “Or maybe Shiner would love it cause Milo would have someone else to play with and would stop annoying shiner...!” They were frankly incredibly lucky that their dogs had gotten along so well from the beginning and of course another one in the mix could potentially be stretching their luck but...the face was too cute not to fall in love with. “Look at her little paws...!” Well little was relative, but they still were adorable and Kaia lifted one slightly trying not to wake the sleeping puppy in the process and yet she elected a little yawn from her which only made her look at Chace as it to say she made her point. “Maybe her and I will just stay here until you say you’ll take us both home!”

Chace: He kept looking at her as he tilted his head slightly to the side and pretended to think for a moment. "You have a point there because Milo does have the talent to annoy Shiner to the max but I'm gonna go with no." His eyes followed her hand that slightly lifted one of the puppy's paws, sighing inaudibly. She really wasn't going to give up this soon, he was sure of that much. And he obviously was at least a little in love with the puppy already as well but he still wasn't sure if it was a good idea to adopt her. "You're more than welcome to stay and share some space with the puppies tonight and I'll pick you, as in my wife, up tomorrow."

Kaia: “did you hear how mean he is? He said no!” Kaia whispered to the puppy, of course audible to Chace since he was right there next to her and her whisper wasn’t all that low, nor was it intended to be. Lifting the little yawning furball up Kaia cradled her in her arms, looking over at Chace both pleadingly and with just a hit of playful judgement. “How can you say that? You’d miss me terribly if I wouldn’t come back with you...but I would already miss her a lot of we’d leave her..and clearly she’d miss us!”

Chace: Sinking his teeth into his lower lip as he fought another laugh from spilling past his lips, he playfully rolled his eyes at her. “Kaia,” He tried to scold her but it sounded too playful and weak to possibly even have an impact on her. Maybe it was his mistake that he didn’t look away but instead kept gazing at the two and then couldn’t deny that the little pup was indeed already growing fond of them, judging by the way she didn’t leave their side since they entered the room and she was now happily snuggling up to his wife. This time he sighed audibly, shaking his head slightly as he couldn’t believe he was going to give in so easily right now. “Are you absolutely sure we should adopt her?”

Kaia: “Chace?” She answered grinning at him as she felt his resistance slip away slightly at least. “I think we are winning him over!” She told the little puppy as he asked her if she was sure, his sign noticeable but something she could ignore in her excitement. “I promise I’ll break the news to shiner and Milo!”

Chace: “You’re the worst.” He chuckled, hitting her arm lightly before he then finally nodded and added, “Fine. But let’s talk to Liv first and don’t get too excited yet! We don’t know if someone maybe reserved her or something along those lines.” His hand reached out to gently pet the pups head again as his gaze met Kaia’s again. “I need to ask your mom for advice how to say no to you and stick with it.”

[redevenir]

maybe our hearts won’t freeze

seungkwan x reader

wc : ~ 2800

a/n : boo seungkwan best boi, I want to give him the best!! please enjoy this vague au as much as I enjoyed writing it. It is certainly flawed, as is everything, but I genuinely like it. As I’ve started to write again recently, feedbacks are very much appreciated.

Like every other day, Seungkwan checks one last time if he has everything: phone, keys, water, food – wait, keys ? On the small kitchen table, like every morning, yet the relief is still strong, like every morning. He casts one last look over his tiny studio, before going outside. He rather be quick, if he wants to avoid the oncoming storm. He buttons up his parka, closes the door – double check – and starts walking in the direction his phone is telling him to follow. His backpack is a bit heavy, which reminds him he really should have seen a specialist before, as the pain in his shoulder may get out of hand soon. As he picks his phone to change the music he realizes his palms are already sweaty, and he tries to keep his cool – what could even go wrong? Nothing. He has played it all in his head hundreds of times. He’s going to your place like you’ve come to his many times before, nothing bad will happen, and then he’ll come home, safe, sound, and happy to have spent his day with you. Maybe, one day, in the far future, he will have the guts to open up to you, loud and proud, but not today. Today is for enjoying your company a bit, officially catching up, but he remains lucid about this one. He already knows how you’ve been – everyone has been the same. You are worried these days, even more than before. You are getting antsy – like so many others, and, honestly, he can’t blame you, the news are getting scarier every day, and since you’ve both started college, the future has gotten darker and darker. Rain begins to fall down his face, so he puts his hood on and walks faster. Like every other day, Seungkwan pretends it doesn’t worry him.

Seungkwan met you in college. You were in his class from day one, and you were in his class four years later. There weren’t many of you to begin with, and each year there were less and less. You had stayed. A few changes of haircut, sometimes a new pair of shoes, but you remained, silent, concerned, steady. Sometimes, when he can’t sleep at night, he remembers when, during your first year, he asked why you chose history of art, and you had answered « What else is there to do? » plain and painful and honest. Seungkwan found out it wasn’t so bad to have you around when he was getting too agitated. And when you dropped out and started to work at a laundry service he kept checking on you, hoping you wouldn’t notice how his cheeks hurt after spending a few hours with you.

The first time he actually talked to you was the first time he got sick, and missed a few days at school, and decided he wanted to ask for your notes before anyone else’s. He didn’t hear his roommate joking about the huge grin on his face when he came home that day. Oh, how he misses Mingyu now. Mingyu, keen-eyed Mingyu, who cooked like a god and had such a good heart. Mingyu was the one noticing you were used to be cold, because you carried around more jumper, more sweaters or more cardigans than anyone else on campus. Nowadays, Seungkwan does it too. After that, he’d always come to you first, someone he deemed trustworthy –  and reading your notes had convinced him that you, at least, knew what you were doing.

The second time Mingyu made fun of him because of you was the day you came to their shared apartment to work on some group project – the tall one called it a « study date » but never to your face. He remember how stressed he had been. Repeating himself you were meeting him for  studying and studying only. He had to be cool. Be cool. He couldn’t expect too much of it, it was good enough that you had agreed to come over. He had been eyeing you for quite a time at that point, and he had noticed that you didn’t talk to many people in your class, and even then not that much. What was supposed to last only two hours lasted until the notion of time was lost on everyone, as both of you were strongly opposed and wouldn’t let the other get away with their wrong opinion. Seungkwan had lost the argument when, instead of listening to your passionate rambling about Poe, he caught himself staring at you with a fond smile and eyes full of hearts. Only when you had called for his name a few times, a frown on your face, had he come back to his sense. Blushing a bit, he just told you he’d be willing to do as you wanted, as long as you were happy. He had laughed when you had grumbled him being the reasonable one didn’t make him right anyway.

Seungkwan cares, and he worries too, so he tried, every now and then, to reach you. Just a few words, an encouraging smile. And, maybe, he hopes, it softened you a bit. He won’t change the world all by himself, but, maybe, he can make you feel better. Day after day, month after month, he dared come closer and closer to you, a tiny step at a time, afraid that a movement too quick might scare you away. It’s only when he’s standing before your building’s front door that the harsh reality of it all. He shouldn’t be there. You shouldn’t be there. Most of your comrades have left the city, most of them have fled the country but – but – but you have not. None of you have any other place to be, and, as far as he knows, you seem to think, like he does – maybe, maybe you can endure it. Maybe it will pass too. Or maybe it won’t, but there is nothing he can do about it. One by one, he reads all of the names on the tags, so he can be sure to ring on the right one. He only has to do it once to hear your voice. The speaker makes you sound far away and he has to remember you live on the thirtieth floor which is indeed far above him. The sky is getting darker and he quickly enters, prepared for the endless stairs leading to you.  

There is more to Seungkwan than what first meets the eye, you’ve found out. You first thought he would be a timorous boy, books and jumpers in his bag, but he has created his very own type of bravery. He is neither tough nor a fighter. Like a little mouse, when you least expect it, he is back again, checking everything is still in place – double-checking everything – you understand now it is also how he copes. Seungkwan is a world of his own, sustainable and steady, and maybe, if you make yourself small enough, you may find just the right nest between his branches, sheltered from the gusts, close enough to the sun. As soon as your hear the hiss of the kettle you pour the boiling water into two cups. By the time he will be there, it will be at the ideal temperature. In a shiver you barely notice, you put your hands above the cups, longing for the warmth their steam provides. You wonder if it it is your last meal. If he is the last person you will ever see. If any of this is real. You’ve followed the news for years, and you know it is – the skies are another proof, if you needed one. Of course, you know nothing of meteorology, but you assume the state wouldn’t evacuate the entire country if it wasn’t serious. Actually, you were surprised they’d evacuate even considering it was serious. You have been a witness to it all. The streets, empty. Schools closed, more stray dogs, more stray cats. Buildings abandoned. Public services shutting down, TV channels disappearing, less stray dogs, less stray cats… You wonder if it was always meant to be like that, if the year, the month, the day was decided from the beginning, or if something went wrong.

As you wait for him to climb all of the stairs, the ticking of the clock might make you go crazy. Slow, slow, slow. It will never end, you tell yourself. And why do you keep that clock?  But he will come, you know it. It is the one thing you know about him, he is consistent. He doesn’t let anyone down, he does as he says, which is a blessing. It is a light afar keeping you in the right path, a bright reminder that there is hope, there is love, there is laughter and there is kindness. Seungkwan is nice, you muse, and even though you have lost most of your hope, you don’t regret inviting him over. Before the blackout you will bask into the sweet light of his starry smile one last time.

It is because of his smile that, when they announced the date of the greatest storm ever recorded, the storm that will probably wipe out most of your civilization, you decided you wanted to spend it with Boo Seungkwan. You hadn’t even thought about him, his face appeared in a flash the second you heard the news, smile loud and proud.

Out of breathe, he finally reaches for your door, which opens as soon as he knocks on it. Sure enough you’re there, a yellow cardigan over your wool jumper, as green as the pine forests he’s visited when he was a kid. As green as the pine forests he’s seen on TV whenever there was a documentary about the northern countries. Whenever he’s tried to learn as much as he could about the life of the population buried in the snow all year long. He is so tired by the long climb, legs aching, chest burning, he doesn’t say a word about your clear lack of taste – yellow and green ? Really? He merely nods appreciatively when you hand him a chair – the chair. He hears you from afar, clearing your throat.

« Well, take your time and, hm, hello? » There is a shadow of a smile on your face, something that was once so common and miraculous, Seungkwan thinks, and now it is rare and he’d damn his soul to see it more. « I made some soup, I think it’s not bad. Do you want a glass of water? » He nods again, everything smells of cilantro here, and it is a small apartment indeed and why are you leaving you are so pretty and oh here you are again with a glass of water !

Seungkwan has entered your apartment for about ten minutes when he hears you shout and swear. He runs to you – the four meters that separate the two of you, in your tiny nest. You’re looking at your right hand like it betrayed you. Noticing him, you point at the stove.

« It’s still hot! »

Seungkwan lets himself breathe out again, and is all over you the second you finish the sentence.

«Oh god, does it hurt? I was so scared it might be something worst! Turn on the tap! Make the cold water run on your hand! Oh! My! How did you do that, there was nothing to do with the stove! Were you trying to get hurt? Can’t you just! Eat! Your! Soup! »

Your lips twist in a conflicted way as you watch him grope about your kitchen in a hurry.

« First of all, don’t lecture me. It’s not like I did something reckless on purpose, I just checked to see if I did turn off the gas, so, please, don’t overreact? »

Even without looking at you, Seungkwan smiles at that. Of course it was reasonable, of course he’s fond of you. He spots the first-aid kit on a lower shelf.

« All right then, but I’m still going to bandage you! Where do you keep your first-aid kit? And keep your hand under the running water! Oh my, I hope your soup is good… ! You should be more careful! » He finally puts his hand on the bandage roll.

« Are you doubting my souping skills? In front of me? In my kitchen? As you’re about to eat the food I cooked for you ? Really, Boo Seungkwan? »

As he turns around to answer you, he finds himself a lot closer to you than he thought.

« Seungkwan ? » His face feels so hot, are his cheeks red yet? Oh, why are you so close, and could you come closer? He considers your face and time stops. Eyes dark and red of countless nights spent looking for the future, skin kissed by the sun. From the pink on your cheekbones he guesses you’ve probably fallen asleep on your balcony a few days ago, when the weather had been so nice. It is your style, isn’t it, to fall asleep on a sunny afternoon, even after all the worries, to feel life on your skin, to wake up anew. From your skin tone, and the look of your hair, Seungkwan knows you use poor hygiene products – but do you even care? The curves of your eyebrows, soft and concerned, and how your eyelashes gently falls on your cheeks whenever you look away. You’re calling his name, but if he looks at your lips he knows he’ll be doomed. It’s only when your hand grab his hand, cold and wet and strong, that he comes back from his daydreaming.

« Is anything wrong? » you ask, and his heart squeezes in his chest.

« No, no, no! Don’t worry, it’s just – his mind races, quick, be quick – I remember there’s nothing to do when you burn yourself, except put it under cold running water, which we’re already doing… It needs to stay in the open, so I feel a bit stupid … » The end is only a guilty whisper, so you press his hand strongly.

« Don’t. You’re not. You have good reflexes, it is nice to know you’ve studied first aid classes diligently. » You smile at him and, really, Seungkwan thinks his heart will explode if you keep doing this to him and he can’t kiss you in return.

The soup is good, at least good enough not to complain, and the both of you last a few hours actively chatting before mentioning the elephant in the room. You have closed all shutters and spread a blanket on the floor to keep you both from the cold. Every time you open your mouth, little clouds escape from it, an airy trail to keep the track of the words you whisper to each other.

You’re siting near Seungkwan’s lying form, knees to your chest, entangled in your sleeping bag, hands on your ears. He’s looking at the ceiling, maybe searching for patterns in the cracks you don’t see. The flashlight casts a poor color on both your faces, and really, you think, it doesn’t do him justice, to hide in the heart of the night. Seungkwan belongs with summer, he’s the feeling of your aching skin when you’ve spent too much time in the sun, imitating lizards on their burning rocks. Seungkwan belongs in gushing gardens, oozing with the music of thousands insects working around flowers. He should not be here, with you, waiting in the skies to freeze to death.

« What will happen to us? »

It is a murmur, a blast in the darkness of the room. You don’t know, you have no answer. Meaning has been taken away from you, is all of this even real? How would you know? You cannot answer to that. Everything you heard on the news sounded fake and yet here it is, the weather is getting colder and colder, and people are evacuating, running south, toward kinder climates. Yet, you did not. You, and Seungkwan, and probably hundreds of others are staying there. Either you’ll freeze to death, or you’ll get to live a harsh life, harsher than ever before. Of course, you can’t say that, because it is not nice, and because the words pounding in your chest are same ones pounding in his. It surely is a disheartening situation, but what else is there now if not your hearts?

You lie down next to him, your face close to his, trying to keep your voice steady, trying to look at him in the eyes, trying to be brave, and to do it right, a weak attempt to answer.

« I have no idea. » You whisper, taking his hand between yours.

Seungkwan holds on to it so hard he may crush your fingers.