#and he liked pulled out his stupid little giant ass sword and searched the whole house

[incorrect-dublin-murder-squad]

Holly: Joanne told me that one of the detectives was named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but Joanne has been adamant. We’ve been arguing about this almost all day.

Holly: Antoinette. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

[mst3kproject]

1111: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 2

You know how Joel said the part of the movie that was ‘spilled’, the bit with David Carradine fighting the monster called the Protector, could have saved the whole film?  He lied. It’s just as dumb as the rest of the movie.  In fact, this whole film is so stupid and predictable that I’m going to have a very hard time filling two pages with my thoughts on it.  Apparently even Joel himself wished he’d found a different movie to use.

An age of darkness has fallen, and Caedmon of Nogg is the world’s last hope.  The ghost of his father, I think, or maybe Obi-Wan Kenobi, appears in a bucket of coffee and charges him with finding the Chosen One, whose pure heart will re-unite the Three Powers. The Chosen One is a skinny, hormone-suffused teenage boy named Tyor who works on a stick farm somewhere, and Caedmon trains him in wizardry while seeking out three powerful warriors: the Dark One of Eedok, Prince Ermine of Valdar, and Amathea of Fennir.  One by one, they defeat the evil wizards and gather the magical sword, chalice, and amulet that will bring peace to the world.

So, yeah, it’s less a ‘movie’ than it is a Dungeons and Dragons campaign, thrown together in five minutes after the original GM called from the side of the road with a flat tire.

It’s not at all apparent how this is a sequel to Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.  Not only are the storylines unconnected, the whole aesthetic is totally different. Where the first movie was all bright colours and friendly forest creatures, this one is brown and gray, starving peasants and grubby heroes.  It’s kind of the difference between Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and Game of Thrones, although infinitely worse than either.  Still, if there’s any sort of connection to be found, I should be able to figure it out. After all, one of my running gags on this blog is The Movies Are All Coming Together, in which I find connections between unrelated films to assemble them into a single, great, incomprehensible movie.

For starters, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 2 is definitely a sequel to The Undead.  After Pendragon skooered Lydia the Witch, her insanity curse on Smolken wore off and he remembered he was actually Caedmon the Wizard.  He was forced to run off to this distant land to escape all the medieval punk kids wanting him to autograph their copies of Digger Smolken’s Rottenest Hits.  As for how this relates to Wizards of the Lost Kingdom, though? I don’t think this is a sequel at all. It’s actually a prequel.  See if you can follow me here:

Remember, Tyor was not supposed to kill Zarz… by running him through at the end, he gave in to evil.  So after a few years of putting up with Caedmon’s incompetence as a pupil, he got sick of him, turned him into a sparkly crab hat, and embraced the dark side. Meanwhile, Amathea was getting tired of Ermine’s philandering, so she and Tyor teamed up to kill him and seize the throne.  The Dark One’s restaurant went under after he was caught selling chicken that turned back into stone when you bit into it.  He tried to get money to pay off his small business loans by ditching Stripper Wife and wooing a wealthy cyclops so he could take her dowry and run.  To avoid his jilted bride’s vengeful brother, he went on the run and returned to using his real name, Kor.  Presto, you’ve got Wizards of the Lost Kingdom!

I have to take a break now.  My brain hurts.

This movie wants so badly to be epic.  The narration sounds like Achronus from Cave Dwellers telling us another story about Ator: and so, Cademon of Nogg set out across the land of Syn in search of the boy Tyor.  And yet, every time something happens that should be epic, it’s just people standing around.  The finale is a showdown between callow young Tyor and the two dark wizards Zarz and Donar, and they all just kind of mill around and bicker.  The fight between the Dark One and the Protector is much closer to being a climactic battle than this is, but it’s just more obvious fake swordplay and disappointment, and David Carradine looks downright embarrassed about it. I’m not convinced that scene was actually intended for this movie, by the way.  David Carradine made another stupid fantasy movie called The Warrior and the Sorceress, which I have not seen, and it might be from that.

One thing I can say for Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 2, though, is that the middle of the story has substantially more to do with the beginning and end than in its predecessor.  Caedmon is given his task, which is to find Tyor and then help him get the sword, amulet, and chalice so he can overthrow the evil wizards and unite the three kingdoms.  And the middle of the movie is spent doing exactly that.  This does divide the whole narrative into three separate plots that are only barely related to each other, and because of the limited running time all three of them feel truncated.  Tyor confronts Loki and turns him to stone and we’re like, that’s it?  He hears the voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi and pulls a knife on Freyja, who agrees to take him to the sword and… that’s it?  It feels like the movie ought to be twice as long as it is, except that we really wouldn’t want that.

In particular, the audience has no idea what the sword, the amulet, and the chalice really do.  The fact that Tyor is able to overcome the amulet’s supposedly supreme power with some nonsense words really deflates the whole enterprise.  The sword is supposed to be magical but all it gets used for is stabbing people.  The chalice shows the truth except that Zarz can make it lie?  And at the end Obi-Wan takes all three away instead of letting Ermine and Amathea use them to rule the three kingdoms?  The three artefacts could not be more obviously plot contrivances, even if they were just boxes with the word macguffin written on them.

The Protector beast really ought to have been set up earlier, too, if it were going to deserve a setpiece fight.  As it is, MST3K excised it with no plot consequences.  Why didn’t we get to see Zarz feeding people to it?

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 2 is grittier and less silly than its predecessor, which does allow the actors to escape with some tatters of their dignity, but in a way this is itself a weakness.  The first movie kept me interested mostly by throwing random episodes of what the fuck at me.  This one plods through its plotline without any lion-centaur beasts or random tricksy mermaids, although the impossibly bad werewolf-versus-pigwoman fight did make me look twice.  At the same time, paradoxically enough, I think it’s fair to say that Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 2 also takes itself less seriously.  The first movie did have a full-on wizards’ battle at the end, even if it sucked.  The second one here has a whole lot of talking and Tyor turning the crystal ball into a roast chicken, which apparently incapacitates Zarz in some way but I’m damned if I know how.  The roast chickens in the movie are clearly the ones you get out of the little warmer at the grocery store deli.

You know what?  This movie should have ended with Tyor turning Zarz into a chicken!  That would have allowed Tyor to win without killing anyone, and given a purpose to the weird ‘chicken’ motif that keeps happening.  Why was I able to come up with that, and the movie wasn’t?  The writers seem to think that chickens are somehow inherently funny, when really everybody knows that’s only true when they’re trying to cross the street.

These are not movies that really lend themselves to analysis but I guess there’s kind of a hint of theme, in that the Dark One would rather live quietly, running his pub with his wife, and only goes out to fight when he’s forced to do so?  Although I’m not sure how we’re meant to interpret that.  Is it about the benefits of a peaceful lifestyle (insofar as stabbing people when they don’t tip qualifies as ‘peaceful’)?  Or are we supposed to think the Dark One should have gotten off his ass and answered the call of duty before it came to that?  Maybe the chicken thing was meant to suggest that even a coward can save the world?  I don’t know. I just work here.

So that’s my marathon of lame-ass wizard movies that made it to MST3K.  Of the three, I think the first Wizards of the Lost Kingdom was easily my favourite.  It was light and silly and it made no sense, but it kept me giggling, sometimes just out of sheer surprise.  And I guess that means Quest of the Delta Knights would come in second, because Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 2 was definitely the worst.  The other two movies at least looked like people were having a good time making them, while this one feels like it was probably as much a chore to be in as it is to watch.  Even Sid Haig as Donar looks like he’d rather be anywhere else, and considering some of the crap Sid Haig seemed to have been enjoying himself in, that’s really saying something.

All the monster fights in the world couldn’t have saved this one.  What it really needed was the Dark One fighting a giant chicken.

[emeraldwaves]

Title: A Dragon’s Magic Chapter 3 Pairing:  Kacchako Rating: M Word Count:  2,905 Summary: Uraraka Ochako has always believed in dragons, though she was constantly told they were long since extinct. Now an adult and professional mage, she’s ready to help her parents as a healer for their village. The last thing she expects is for her beliefs to become a reality, but when a dragon attacks her village, she learns there’s more to magic than she ever could’ve realized. Read on AO3 Thanks to @its-love-u-asshole for reading this over. Intense stuff is picking up!

The chains felt heavy around his neck, his skin irritated and itchy. The chains around his hands barely allowed him any movement, but at least he wasn't in any pain anymore and he could breathe easier now the mask was removed from his face.

Uraraka Ochako. A disgusting human; but one who saved him for some unknown fucking reason.

He let his head fall back against the boulder. What a fucking moron he was, getting caught like this. He didn't think he would be so low on magic he would fucking fall out of the damn sky. And his fire was too damn small to combat the giant blocks of ice. In a last ditch effort, he used his magic to take on his human form in an attempt to seem less intimidating, but it didn't matter.

They were going to kill him anyway.

 "I'm going to find a way!"

He clicked his tongue thinking about her naïve face. Who the hell was she? Some white mage who thought she could stop her whole damn town from killing his ass. Yeah, right. He growled just thinking about.

She talked about believing in dragons for so long and being surprised when he showed up to prove her beliefs. But was that really reason enough to save and heal him even when he tried to destroy their puny little village?

"Fucking humans," he spat. She was a weird girl. An anomaly among her species, he assumed. And even as he thought that, he couldn't forget how she used fucking magic. Dragons were running out... dwindling by the day... and humans were using magic with no restrictions it seemed. Assholes. Stealing what never belonged to them.

The sun shone against his red eyes and he squinted, turning his gaze to the ground so he wasn't blinded by the damn thing. The townspeople would be coming soon, and Bakugou needed a better fucking plan then sitting here and wondering if that stupid human girl was going to come back.

If they unchained him to murder him, he might have enough time to release his magic to take on his dragon form. Then again, he wouldn't be strong enough to fight if they trapped him in the ice prison once again.

"Fuck!" he yelled, yanking his wrists against the chains. His skin was turning red from how tightly the metal dug into his flesh.

Why the hell had he even left the island? So far he learned next to nothing. The white mage girl mentioned using her staff, but he didn't believe that was fully the case. Not with how tired she was after using it.

It didn't fucking matter. He would never find magic for the dragons on the island if they were going to fucking kill him. He could only hope that fucking moron Kirishima didn't get caught as well. Knowing him, he was probably trapped somewhere before Bakugou was.

On the horizon, Bakugou saw a group of humans walking his way. If only he had enough magic for his fire; he would've incinerated them all right there in front of him.

"W-Who removed his mask!?" one nervous looking man asked, gesturing wildly to the metal muzzle on the ground.

"I-I don't know!" The mayor spoke nervously and glanced down at Bakugou. "W-Who helped you dragon!?"

Maybe he thought Bakugou could still breathe fire, and he was happy to cash in on those fears. He sneered, looking at the other two men. "Heh. Like I would fucking tell you shitty humans anything," he snarled, baring his teeth.

The mayor scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Take him to the center of town. We're not going to waste any time executing him," he said.

The two men detached the chains, keeping Bakugou completely chained down. If he could yank his body away he would've been able to run, though he was uncertain how far he would get with the fucking mages watching his every move and heavy chains dragging him down.

Fuck. He was such a damn idiot for letting himself get caught.

The men dragged him towards the town, struggling to keep him in place. Bakugou didn't have much of a choice, but like hell he was going to go fucking easy. He tugged on the chains, yanking two of the men to the ground.

"Stop struggling!" the mayor said, getting up in Bakugou's face.

"Oi, I can do whatever the fuck I want!" he retorted, smacking his head against the mayor's.

"D-Dammit!" The man stumbled backwards, cupping his hands over his head.

"If you're going to kill me, I gotta enjoy my last fucking moments," he grinned, baring his teeth at the men.

"H-Hurry up and take him to the center of town!" the mayor stammered, stumbling forward.

They dragged Bakugou to the center of town, shoving him to the ground, the chains dropping into the mud. He probably could've pulled himself away, but his red eyes immediately noted the ice mages standing at the edge of town.

Heh. There really was no getting out of this one. So much for whatever plan that human girl was hatching.

"Come one, and come all! We're going to be executing the horrible demon who almost destroyed our town yesterday evening! Many were injured and properties have been ruined, come watch us kill off the beast who has attacked our peaceful village!"

As the man spoke, other humans began to emerge from their cottages, murmuring amongst themselves. Some cowered in fear upon seeing him, backing away as if he could jump and attack them right now. Others were curious, hoping to get a better look at him.

"Is that really a dragon? It looks like a person!" A few voices were louder than others and Bakugou wished he could transform and give them all a fright.

"We assure you, this is the man we captured yesterday, and we will be putting him to death immediately. If you do not wish to watch this happen, we do not blame you as normally we would not condone such violence."

Bullshit. Bakugou could tell the man was thrilled to be committing this public execution. Momentarily, he wondered where that girl was, Uraraka Ochako. He don't know why he expected anything more from a human than a goddamn lie.

"However, if you wish to see the end of the creature who attacked us for no reason, then please join us here in the square!" the man said, pulling gloves over his hands.

Bakugou's hands sank deeper into the mud, his pale fingers covered with the brown dirt. Disgusting. Everything about this was fucking disgusting.

He couldn't believe he was going to be killed by fucking humans.

~~

Without saying goodbye to her parents, Ochako grabbed her staff and rushed out the door. She accidentally fell asleep when she arrived back home after speaking to the dragon, and she needed to be in town now.

Originally, she was going to try and use her gravity magic to jump the mayor and steal the keys to his chains, but she had no idea if she had time for that anymore.

Ochako practically slipped down the hill, heading towards the boulder. If he was still there, she could potentially carryout her not very well thought out plan.

Panting, she skidded to a stop when she saw the boulder, standing tall, by its lonesome. Bakugou was already gone. She groaned, trying not to panic. She should've gone through town first!

Immediately, she took off, rushing towards the center of town, noting the crowd already beginning to gather.

"No!" she gasped, running as fast as her boots would take her. She stopped by the crowd hearing the mayor speak.

"...We're going to be executing the horrible demon who almost destroyed our town yesterday evening! Many were injured and properties have been ruined, come watch us kill off the beast who has attacked our peaceful village!"

"Uraraka!" Iida called out, waving to her and her eyes widened. There was no way Iida and Deku would understand what she was about to do.

She bit her lip and shook her head, ducking down as she pushed through the crowd. She saw Iida's eyes widen as she moved away and she knew he could tell she was being reckless. He would surely scold her later.

There was no time.

"We assure you... putting him to death immediately... we would not condone such violence..."

The mayor's voice was muffled by the murmuring of the townspeople, some discussing if the man was actually a dragon, some wanting him to die right away before he could hurt them even more.

No. They all had the wrong idea...

They needed to protect him! Learn more about him. Maybe if they gave him the chance he could explain why he attacked... maybe it was for a good reason? He was angry with her last night, and she could tell he was searching for something...

She needed to get closer.

"However, if you wish to see the end of the creature who attacked us for no reason, then please join us here in the square!"

Ochako pushed to the front, stumbling forward. Bakugou was kneeling in the mud, chains weighing his body down, his red eyes filled with hatred and anger. She didn't blame him. He came to this village hating humans, and she was certain this wasn't about to change his opinion. As she glanced up, the mayor was raising his sword, the tip facing downwards as if to point directly at Bakugou's heart.

No! There had to be something she could do. She clutched her staff, ideas rushing through her mind. If only she were an elemental mage she could at least attack! The sword was raising higher and higher, and Ochako watched the world move in slow motion.

If she didn't do something now... if she didn't try, her chance of learning about dragons would forever be taken away from her. Her village would be responsible for killing one of these creatures... these creatures who were supposedly extinct.

Before her thoughts could stop her, she charged forward, her boots pushing off against the mud. "STOP!" she screamed.

For a moment, their gazes met. His red eyes looked at her with such confusion, while her browns met his with such terrifying fear.

Her staff dropped to the ground as she fell forward, draping her body over his. Mud splattered up, hitting him on the cheek and soaking her clothes. Her chocolate eyes glared at the mayor standing before her.

"What is the meaning of this, Uraraka Ochako?!" the man asked. He lowered the sword, pressing the tip of his blade against her chin.

"Y-You can't..." she breathed, tears glistening in her eyes. "You can't kill him! P-Please!"

"You would protect this man who tried to destroy the people you have known all your life!?" he said. "Move. Or I will kill you both."

"U-Uraraka!" Deku's voice called from the crowd, both him and Iida pushing to the front. "W-What are you doing!?"

She bit her lip, glancing towards her green haired friend. "I... I won't move!" she glared up at the man.

"What are you doing, idiot girl?" Bakugou hissed, knocking his head against her arm as if to push her away.

She shook her head. "I won't! Y-You can't kill such a rare creature! We've been... we've been without dragons for so long and now they've finally come back!"

"It attacked our town! Move out of the way. I will only ask you one more time..."

"I..." She turned towards Deku and Iida, both looking incredibly panicked. She was going to die if she didn't think of something, they both were going to. That wouldn't solve anything! She had to come up with some way to escape...

Suddenly, her eyes widened. Escape! Of course!

"I... I invoke the law of banishment!" she yelled.

"N-No!" Deku gasped, about to step forward until Iida grabbed him.

"The law of banishment?" the mayor asked, thrusting the tip of the sword into the ground. "You wish to leave the village with this man? You realize that means you can never return, yes?" he said.

She glanced towards Iida and Deku, biting her lip.

Flashes of her childhood floated through her mind. Their laughter echoing in her ears. If she glanced around the town she could see their tiny ghosts, hiding around the village as they chased each other playfully, playing pretend without a care in the world.

"We're going to be adventurers! Explore the world together!" Deku's voice echoed in her heart.

"Stop! Don't run so fast!" Even as a child, Iida was always strict and she could imagine him chiding them for being too reckless as always.

And here she was, being the most reckless she had ever been.

"Don't worry, I'll protect you!" She could hear her own childish laugh. So much for that promise. How could she protect Deku and Iida if she wasn't allowed to come near their village anymore?

Her heart throbbed with the realization.

"...someday the dragons will return. Her grandmother's voice was always the loudest in her heart. As difficult as it may be... she knew she was making the right choice.

"I know... what it means" she said softly.

It wouldn't be easy. Her parents would be... so disappointed, Deku looked as if he was about to cry, but how could she let them kill him? Technically, he hadn't killed anyone, and there were so many things she needed to ask him about!

There were murmurs among the crowd. Ochako should've expected nothing less from the small village, and technically she was siding with a creature who had tried to destroy them for an unexplained reason.

Of course, no one had taken the time to ask him. It... wasn't fair. Nothing about this was fair. Ochako felt he deserved the chance to speak.

"That Ochako has always been odd..."

"Good riddance..."

"Who will take over for her parents? How upsetting for them!"

Good to know the town thought so highly of her, especially when she was to be their future healer. Not anymore, she supposed.

Her hand splayed out across Bakugou's muscular back and it trembled against him. "What the hell are you doing, Cheeks?" he hissed.

"I'm not going to let them kill you," she whispered, turning her eyes up towards the mayor.

"You're a fucking moron," Bakugou snapped, and she pushed him down a little further.

"Thanks," she muttered.

She knew the mayor couldn't argue with the law of banishment. Once called for, it was a formal agreement between her and the village. She and Bakugou would be dead to the town, unable to ever return. Even if they did, the townspeople had permission to kill them on the spot.

Staring down at her, the mayor's eyes were cold, and he almost looked disappointed she actually stepped in to attempt to stop this horrible execution.

"Ura-Uraraka... you can't..." Deku whimpered, still standing off to the side, held back by Iida. His green eyes trembling as he looked at her.

"Do you really want to protect him?" Iida asked. She could tell they both wanted to rush towards her and pull her back, to stop her from making such a ridiculous decision.

"Yes," she nodded slowly, her hand curling into a fist on his back.

"Even your friends think it's a bad idea," the mayor said clicking his tongue. "Are you sure this is the choice you wish to make?"

"You're about to kill an endangered creature without gathering any information. I know you're looking at me as if I am the foolish one, but to me, it is you who is the fool," she growled.

"If this is what you wish to believe, I suppose I cannot change your mind. Stubborn girl. Have you thought about your parents?"

She bit down on her lip harder. Of course she thought about her parents. She could already hear the sobs coming from her mother's lips, and she could see the disappointment in her father's dark eyes.

This was never the life she expected, and she didn't wish to disappoint her family. The very thought of it made her heart clench, pieces of it slowly shattering into what felt like a million pieces. But...

"I've made my choice..." she whispered, and she heard Deku and Iida suck in sharp breaths just feet away from her.

The mayor rolled his eyes. "Fine then," he hissed, a sharp bite in his tone. He reached into his pocket and held up a key. "You are not to remove this creature's chains until you have cleared the town."

She held out a trembling hand and he let it fall into her palm. "A-Alright," she breathed, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears.

Was she really doing this? Where would they go? Would he even stay with her? Questions rolled through her brain one by one. She knew she hadn't thought this out very well. Was she a complete idiot?

"From henceforth," he began, and Ochako held her breath and dropped her head forward. She shook against Bakugou, knowing the next words the man was about to speak.

"Uraraka Ochako and her dragon will be banished from our village."

[jojotier]

Cool Like Me

“When we make that guy make us big again,” Jotaro said, “we should get married.”

Noriaki was miles and miles away from home. He didn’t know how he got there or why his parents weren’t there, and didn’t have the slightest idea how he knew he had been big once, or why even that fact seemed foggy and maybe not real? Whatever the case, Noriaki was hot, tired, in clothes too big for him, in earrings that hurt, and dealing with this random other familiar kid, and now said random kid said that. Noriaki wanted a nap and to go home.

“And why should we do that, Jotaro.” Noriaki asked, feeling like he was missing yet another thing here. Which wasn’t good, because from what he’d gathered- he was the only one with a friend like Green. This Jotaro kid didn’t have anything. Noriaki was the one who was going to have to protect the both of them in this strange, foreign place.

“‘Cause you don’t annoy me.” Jotaro replied as if that was the absolute most logical answer that could be given, “And it was cool, how you got that weirdo off our trail. You’re funny too.”

“That’s it?” Noriaki asked, eyebrows furrowing. Jotaro nodded, swinging his and Noriaki’s linked hands a bit. “You don’t need to get married over that.”

“Maybe,” Jotaro shrugged, “but Mom said if two people thought each other were cool, they got married. And you’re cool.”

“Your standards are low.” Noriaki snorted, trying not to trip over his long coat. How did his big self ever think this giant thing was a good idea? “But I’ll think about it. Now come on- we have to find that old young adult with the broken heart earrings.”

“Right,” Jotaro said, lips pursing in Noriaki’s direction. “He sounded very Froggish.”

“Very what,” Noriaki was starting to wonder if this other kid was like…. alright in the brain or if this whole de-aging thing got to him. Or maybe the jetlag from being in Japan and then being in…. Noriaki thought it was Egypt? It looked like a village from one of his mother’s travel books… They stuck close to the walls of a building, and Noriaki sent Green to scout around the corner for them. Jotaro didn’t even seem to notice… which was a little disappointing...

“Froggish?” Jotaro said, looking at Noriaki like he was the stupid one. “Grandpa says that’s how people from France are called.”

The coast seemed to be clear, so Noriaki brought Hierophant back and gestured for Jotaro to keep moving forward. “I think your Grandpa might have been pulling your leg,” Noriaki advised sagely, “because people from France are called ‘French’. Or, a Frenchman, in the case of who we’re looking for.”

Jotaro paused, considered that, and nodded. “You’re probably right. My Grandpa’s an ass.”

Noriaki refrained from commenting on how rude it was to cuss- especially when Jotaro was disrespecting an elder, and when they both were maybe seven! Those weren’t words meant for them!- and instead gave him a very unimpressed look. But they had bigger matters to attend to- namely, the big crowd of people slowly moving through the marketplace ahead, covering the walls with shadows and the sounds of laughter.

“Hm.” Jotaro said beside him. “We’re gonna be too short to see where that flat top Frenchman is. Even if we stack up.”

“That’s because you’re short,” Noriaki observed, trying to stall for a moment as he thought of what to do.

“And you’re shorter,” Jotaro said, seeming similarly in thought.

Noriaki glanced at Green, his forever friend. Green gently gripped onto one of Noriaki’s oversized sleeves, legs slowly unwinding into a long, ribbon-like tentacle…

“Ah…! I know!” Noriaki suddenly said, eyes lighting up. “I know! I’ll send Green up,”

“Green?” Jotaro asked, blinking.

“Yes!” Noriaki enthusiastically nodded. “He’s how I made all those things fall at once, to get bell-hair away from us- I was too busy running to look at where the things I threw landed…”

“... Right,” Jotaro said, looking around Noriaki with searching eyes. Then, his gaze trained on where Green was. Noriaki’s friend squeaked, suddenly alarmed and Noriaki could feel him wanting to crawl back into his oversized coat. Noriaki’s heart skipped a beat. Could it be that Jotaro saw-? “So… he’s tall, then. Really tall. That’ll help.”

Noriaki deflated a bit. So he hadn’t… “I mean, not really… He can just turn himself into a string. His head will get tall enough to see. He’s not tall in and of himself..”

“Oh. Okay.” Jotaro nodded, and Noriaki sent Green up, trying to ignore how his stomach twisted. The way that Jotaro kid had said that… it sounded a little too much like mocking. Like back when Noriaki was really little, when he was five, and he tried to tell other kids about Green. Only for them to laugh in his face. “Sounds like a plan- and we’ll go through the crowd below.”

Noriaki would leave that feeling in his gut behind for the moment- he didn’t have the time to entertain the thought of believability. Not that there couldn’t be a doubt about that, since bell-hair had… Since that man… had.

Green surveyed the crowd from above, and Noriaki froze, slowly looking at Jotaro. “Jotaro… do you remember why we need to find that silver-haired guy?”

Jotaro was about to say something as he was walking out into the street when he paused, letting go of Noriaki’s hand. Slowly pulled the brim of his hat down. “I… I thought you knew.”

“Oh no,” Noriaki said, running a hand through his hair, “Oh no… if we don’t remember why we need his help… then soon, we won’t remember that man who did something to us! We’ll be sitting ducks, and we won’t know it!”

“We know he was chasing us earlier,” Jotaro said, trying to rationalize, “after we woke up here in… wherever we are. So, we can remember that. He was chasing us with a hatchet.”

“And his shadow!” Noriaki exclaimed, remembering the thing’s eyes. Those eyes…. They had been so horrible, so lifelike and… “His shadow was chasing us too! He has a thing like I do, I just know it.”

“His…shadow?” Jotaro questioned, looking at Noriaki from under his hat. He just seemed confused. “I don’t remember that part. Are you sure-?

“Of course I’m sure!” Noriaki snapped, maybe a little rudely but. He knew what he saw. He knew what he’d done, too! Jotaro just didn’t know, because he was just another kid in the end. Another one of the normal kids, like the ones at school. “You wouldn’t know, because you can’t see it, so… you have to-”

“Well lookie here…”

Noriaki’s heart stopped dead in his chest. Jotaro’s eyes widened, and then he was grabbed by the back of his coat. Jotaro was lifted up in the air, and the man- Alessi, Noriaki soon learned-  grinned. “Looks like your dear old Alessi finally found you! Took me long enough to find you brats-”

Noriaki could only run to keep up as Alessi dragged Jotaro into a nearby alleyway, away from any potential prying eyes. Noriaki had to act fast- with that shadow, there was no telling what would happen to a normal kid like-

Green zipped through the air, aiming directly for the back of Alessi’s neck with a hand. Noriaki didn’t know what else to do- he couldn’t do much with Green’s tentacles, and he didn’t want to hurt Jotaro, after all. So that was about as much as he could manage. Alessi coughed, head whipping back to see the little stand. His shadow moved, and Noriaki tensed. “Green-! Get back-”

“Hey,” Jotaro said, suddenly swinging himself forward and kicking Alessi’s chest as hard as he could, “let me go before you piss me off.”

“I wouldn’t go about sounding so arrogant, you little fuck-” Alessi growled, bringing Jotaro closer. Then, Jotaro’s fists were flying- and they were going faster than Noriaki’s had ever seen fists go! The way he punched Alessi was almost supernatural, and Noriaki might have mistaken it for a power like his if he didn’t know that Jotaro couldn’t see Green. Jotaro beat the hell out of Alessi’s face and neck, causing ugly bruises to appear over his eyes and jaw.

Noriaki sent Green to trip Alessi up, trying to figure out a way to advance and get Alessi to drop Noriaki’s friend-

when Alessi managed to move his hands, gripping Jotaro by the throat instead and squeezing. Jotaro was stunned enough to hesitate for just a moment, and Alessi held the other boy away from himself, just out of arm’s reach. Noriaki froze. Jotaro was struggling, still, and beginning to gasp for breath- all while Alessi, bruised and panting, glared. “Sethan,” His shadow was expanding. “let’s leave this little shit as useless as possible- you won’t be able to do anything as a fetus-!”

Green wound around Jotaro’s torso, pulling harshly. Noriaki ran forward. It didn’t even occur to him that he was stepping into that shadow. The only thing he could think to do was act quickly, and act now, or else Jotaro would-

The shadow scattered and Green pulled Jotaro towards the ground. Alessi crashed like timber, and Noriaki stumbled back, breathing heavily. Did everything seem taller, all of a sudden? Well, taller than the first time he’d woken up here, in this awful desert place. Jotaro stared at the place where Green was, eyes wide and surprised- and Noriaki thought that he absolutely, positively had to believe him now.

Alessi growled, getting back up and moving towards the both of them. Jotaro quickly rushed forward and dragged Noriaki back, putting himself between Noriaki and the man with his stupid bell hair and awful, slowly advancing hatchet. Noriaki tensed, trying to move forward- he couldn’t let this other boy in front of him, not when he didn’t have a friend like Green!

“Stay away from them,” Jotaro hissed out, hands balling up into fists, “I’m warning you-”

“Damn… not even six months were taken off.” Alessi breathed out, gritting his teeth. “Not that it matters- once Sethan hits, you’ll be-!”

A sword swiftly sliced through Alessi’s shoulder. The man howled in pain, and Noriaki’s eyes widened at the sight of blood. But, who was-?

“And what, monsieur, would they be?”

A silver-haired man… why did that seem so familiar-?

“Don’t step in his shadow!” Jotaro barked out.

“Yeah!!” Noriaki yelled, finding his voice, “If you do, it’ll do something real bad to you!”

Their hero stepped back suddenly, and Noriaki saw it. The big creature by his side- silver and gleaming, armored in segments, like a robot. Like a knight. Silent, but robust and lithe and ready to fight, leaving Alessi quaking in fear as he tried to reach the stranger with his shadow. But the shadow wasn’t reaching- both the stranger and his silver companion were too fast.

Noriaki felt like he was watching a real hero. Someone like him.

“What am I looking at.” Jotaro said.

“He’s like me…” Noriaki mumbled, trying to peer around Jotaro’s shoulders to see better. Jotaro stepped back, looking confused as to why that awful Alessi was getting so sliced up. “He has a silver knight beside him, but a robotic looking one! Not like an anime robotic- more like what you see in a storybook… He’s so cool…”

Jotaro looked between Noriaki and the stranger beating up Alessi, then back to Noriaki. Then, suddenly, he gripped Noriaki’s shoulders and turned him around, looking at him. Noriaki was about to protest when Jotaro asked, “Do you think I’ll ever see these things that you have?”

Noriaki, caught off guard, blinked. “Oh… I don’t know. I don’t think so… I’ve never seen anyone dev… develop one before…” Then again, he only knew about himself. And he didn’t know anything about the cool silver-haired stranger.

“When we turn big, if I can see Green, will you marry me then?”

“Huh?!” Noriaki blinked, confused. This again? He thought they’d settled it earlier… “I mean… I said I’d think about it, but why-”

“‘Cause it was really cool, what you just did. You were cool,” Jotaro said, cheeks flushing red, “and I want to see him too. You haven’t been talking about him, but it looks like he’s someone important, and he’s cool too since he saved me and all. And I wanna see what’s going on with that battle, and with any other ones too…”

Noriaki’s eyes widened. Jotaro wanted to know more about Green? He wanted to see Green? The weight of it hit Noriaki suddenly. It was the first time anyone in his life had ever said that they wanted to see Green- said that and meant it sincerely. His parents asked about Green sometimes of course and pretended to see him, but that was out of politeness- none of the kids Noriaki tried to introduce himself to wanted to try and look for Green. Jotaro was the only one.

“... Okay.” Noriaki said.

Jotaro’s eyes widened, and he leaned in, moving to grip Noriaki’s hands. “You mean it?”

“Yes- if we get big and you can see Green, we can get married.”

“Pinky promise?” Jotaro let go, only holding out his pinky. Noriaki looked at his outstretched hand with all the seriousness in the world- after all, a pinky promise was as good as a ring. It was the kind of promise one should always always always forever keep.

“Pinky promise.” He hooked his own pinky around Jotaro’s and for the first time, he saw Jotaro beam at him.

~~~

“Man, JoJo, I didn’t think you were that much of a sap as a kid-”

“Hey Polnareff,” Jotaro, now at his normal age and size, looked at the Frenchman in irritation, “how many punches do you figure I can use to get to the center of your skull?”

Noriaki seriously regretted his life choices as he stared blankly into the distance. He could only remember a vague bit of what happened when they’d turned into children, but Polnareff had been all too happy to share the details, once he’d finally “convinced” Alessi to put their ages back to rights. He wished Alessi were here, so he could continue putting the bastard’s skull back to rights.

“Hey, you can’t blame me-!” Polnareff snorted, shoulders shaking. “You know what happened,”

“Hey flat head,” Jotaro had said, holding onto Noriaki’s arm while peering up at Polnareff, “this is Kakyoin- we’re gonna get married one day, so don’t forget it!”

“But that doesn’t mean you need to,” Noriaki said, punching Polnareff’s arm. His face was burning in embarrassment, hand balling up into a fist. “Perhaps a concussion will fix that,”

“Owwww!” Polnareff whined, pouting. “Oh come on-! Why can’t you be more like your past self, Kakyoin-?”

“Your fighting was so cool,” Noriaki had said, stars in his eyes as Alessi tried, continuously, to crawl away and probably cause more trouble. “I want to be like you one day!”

“You were embellishing that, surely,” Noriaki flushed, looking away. “Otherwise, I’d be far more embarrassed…”

“Oh? And why’s that?” Polnareff teased, leaning forward, “Do you think you’d want to marry me inst-”

Polnareff was very suddenly thrown away, landing softly on a nearby mattress and lying askew on it. Star Platinum, looking quite satisfied, stood by, dusting off his giant purple fists.

Jotaro looked between both Noriaki and Polnareff. After a moment of silence, he said, “What?” in that annoyed way of his. “He was annoying me. It’s bedtime anyway.”

“Since when did you give a shit about bedtime?” Noriaki snorted, looking at Jotaro incredulously. “You live on the biological clock of a bat,”

Jotaro huffed, turning away. “Since now. Good night, asshole. See you back in our room.”

Noriaki shook his head, laughing. “You’re impossible. Good night, shithead. Sleep tight, dream of muscular sumo men tonight,”

Jotaro left the room. From his place on the bed, Polnareff sat up, staring at Noriaki. Noriaki hoped that Polnareff wouldn’t say any more words, and yet, Polnareff was regrettably opening his mouth. Tragic.

And so, another day passed, and another uneventful night’s sleep awaited.

[ass-sass-sin-archived-blog]

11

Codex Prompts

11.  Your OC’s description of their game’s events

Several sheets of parchment are found stuffed in Talon’s old desk, folded and starting to yellow with age.  The writing is hurried, as though the author were trying to get the words down on the page before they could escape, even more so as it went on.  Spelling mistakes litter the pages, dated 9:65 Dragon.  (Under cut for length.)

Look.  I ain’t no story teller.  That’s Varric’s job.  But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all this shit, is that history gets rewritten to suit whoever damn well wants to be in charge.  Or just conveniently forgotten entirely.  I ain’t stupid, and everyone knew from the beginning that if that damn dwarf ever wrote a book on this shit, no one’s gonna believe it.  I don’t care if no one reads this, or if you use it for fire kindling, but at least it’s out and written down.  That is what matters.  Maybe then I can process it.  It feels like a lifetime ago and I guess in a way it is.

I woke up a prisoner, swords pointed at me, and with a killer headache.  Kinda figured I got wasted and fucked up big time, which really wouldn’t have surprised me none.  Nah, that ain’t it though.  There were peace talks going on at the Conclave, Temple of Sacred Ashes.  Mages and Templars trying to sort out their differences and stop the fucking war between them that caught up the rest of Southern Thedas in it.  Turns out the entire thing went up in flames (figuratively I think, literally, it was an explosion) and that caused this giant hole in the sky that shat out demons everywhere.  Tore a hole in the Veil.  I wound up with this fucking glowing green mark on my hand (later we called it the Mark or the Anchor, why the Anchor, fuck if I know) and turns out that (surprise) this weird magicky shit can fix things.

Didn’t know that off the bat though.  First day I was awake Cassandra took me to show me what happened, ended up meeting Solas and Varric along the way.  Solas “had a feeling” the Mark could close the rift we were dealing with (Oh yeah, there were OTHER smaller holes in the sky that were also shitting demons everywhere, real fun time let me tell you- not) which surprise, it could.  (Explanation later.)  Also important note the Mark was trying to kill me because ~magic~.

Decide “oh, let’s use that to seal the Maker’s asshole (the Breach) that’s currently shitting demons everywhere even though you just woke up” which amazingly worked.  Woke up, apparently in three days I went from being blamed for the Divine’s death (ok so just because I’ve killed a lot of people even prior to this doesn’t mean she was on my hit list, rude fucks) to being named the fucking Herald of Andraste.  My name’s not Harold, it’s Talon.  Which was bullshit and I knew it even then, but nooooo religious fanatics have decided that THAT was who pulled my dumb ass out of the Fade.  Alrighty.

Cassandra Pentaghast and Leliana (later Divine Victoria) start the Inquisition again.  I think they’re both insane, because they kept asking my help to run shit.

Anyways, there’s this issue with the mages rebelling against the Circles and the Templars basically had gone rogue.  We needed help properly sealing the Maker’s asshole (because apparently the first time was only a temporary fix?) and oh yeah we were declared heretics by the Chantry.  Apparently they only do that to organizations and not individuals, because I’m surprised they took so long declaring me one.  Whatever. 

Asked the mages for help.  Decided to power up the Mark and see what happened.  Little catch though, turns out that Venatori (Vint cultists) “took in” the rebel mages.  Long story short there, head Venatori dude threw me and Dorian Pavus (really awesome guy) a year forward into time, we got back to regular time, and kicked his ass and sealed the Breach.  Don’t ask details, I don’t fucking know.  I’m no mage.

Apparently that pissed off the darkspawn wanna be god named Corypheus who was the mastermind behind the Conclave explosion (if you could call him a mastermind).  He and the Templars and Venatori attacked Haven and caught us by surprise, the others got out while I dumped a mountain of snow on them, apparently everyone thought I died.  Surprise motherfuckers, I didn’t.

Find Skyhold because Solas used his super elfy senses to find the place (for real though, Skyhold’s a pretty great place, well defendable and it’s a fucking castle), set up base camp there and get ourselves situated.  Save Crestwood from undead (almost as bad as darkspawn I’m telling you), meet more awesome people, blah blah blah, Inquisitor to the rescue again.  Oh yeah, I got named Inquisitor, that was not fun.  You’d have thought we talked about that before, but nah man.  Guess not.  “Surprise, you have two titles and no last name, congrats” ok then.

Met Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall.  Awesome guy, great drinking buddy.  Wardens are disappearing, followed that trail to Adamant Fortress.  Turns out Corypheus was manipulating the Calling and freaking them all out and somehow that translated into “let’s make a demon army with blood magic”.  And I thought I made bad decisions.  Kicked ass, stopped the ritual, fell into the Fade.  Again.

Going into the Fade isn’t fun, don’t do it.  0/10, would not recommend.  Find out the old Divine, Divine Justinia saved me not Andraste (surprise everyone, I was right it wasn’t Andraste) and the Wardens were using her as a sacrifice or something so Corypheus could enter the Black City and claim godhood.  Dude’s seriously delusional.  Warden Stroud stayed behind to hold off the demons letting us escape at the end of it all.  

Other note, formalities suck ass, parties more, and Orlesians the most.  Usually Josephine Montilyet is the one who dealt with that shit (especially after I told someone apparently important to go fuck a nug) but no, gotta have the Inquisitor at the parties.  Oh yeah, Orlais was also in a civil war because Gaspard wanted Celene’s throne.  Slimy bastard.  Anyways turns out there was an assassin in the group ready to dispose of Celene, turned out that assassin was Florienne her cousin.  Fun shit, seriously.  Assassins, that I can do.

Blah blah blah, sealing rifts, going dragon hunting, helping the little people and flipping off nobles, same shit different day.  Good times, kinda.

Elfy things.  Always with the fucking elfy things.  I like elves more than the next guy probably, but damn.  So much elf shit to sort through.  Turns out Fuckface Mcgee (that’s Corypheus, keep up) is wanting some shit at an old elfy place.  Alright, cool.  Wind up in the Arbor Wilds, searching for the Temple of Mythal.  Also something something red lyrium is bad shit, don’t do it.  Anyways, wind up there, run into some old ass elves.  Kick ass together, had to drink the Well of Sorrows or Corypheus gets his hands on it.  Apparently this holds a shit ton of old elven knowledge collected over the years and drinking binds you to their god Mythal who’s seen as a protector.  I wasn’t touching that shit thanks, pushed Morrigan in since she was so eager.

Not entirely sure what all Morrigan learned, not sure I wanna know honestly.  Anyways she learned how to turn into a dragon and is now bound to her mother (Who’s kinda Mythal?  Don’t ask I don’t really know.).  I want to be a dragon damnit.  

Get dragged back down south to the Frostback Basin.  Apparently the last Inquisitor’s last known location was there and we get to go searching for him.  It seemed like it could be useful and fun.  It wasn’t fun.  Meet friendly Avvar who were really nice, allied with them, turns out there’s this fortress with a gate encased in impenetrable ice.  Still wondering how they got supplies in and out of there really, never did sort that out.  Took care of that with some really awesome ancient Tevene tech that I wanna poke at more, and apparently Inquisitor Ameridan is 

1.  An elf2.  Had set out to slay Hakkon.

Guess what Hakkon is.  A god.  Specifically, a dragon-god.  Got the whole “by the way, I barely was able to contain him with my magic you can do the honors because I was too weak have fun” speech before Ameridan died.  Did that.  Went to the Deep Roads.

The Deep Roads fucking SUCK.  I am from Ferelden, I lived there through the Blight, my hometown was destroyed during it, I’ve seen more than my share of fucking darkspawn by the time I was 10.  No thanks.  Met Shaper Valta who’s really smart and the Legion of the Dead, we kept going deeper and deeper into the Deep Roads dealing with darkspawn.  Yuck.  Turns out the earthquakes jeopardizing the lyrium mines (which is why we were called, to secure this) was being caused by a Titan.  Who woke up or whatever it is they do.  Surprise, lyirum is Titan blood and this thing’s attacking us and shit and gotta kill it.  Alrighty.  Did that.

Kicked Corypheus’s ass.  Soundly.  We’ve defeated an actual god and not a raving lunatic, a Titan, and a shit ton of dragons.  This shit was in a bag.  Problem solved.  Except not.

Fast forward 2 years, no one’s happy with us.  Ferelden wants us disbanded, Orlais wants us to be “honor guard of the Divine” who ended up being our old spymaster Leliana.  Told them to go fuck themselves.  Uncover a Qunari plot to blow up the whole Winter Palace, deal with that and another dragon.  Run into Solas who disappeared after the battle with Corypheus.  Turns out he gave the orb to him because ~reasons~, elven gods are all assholes, and oh yeah got to go into the Crossroads (which is like a really weird world between worlds?) and yeah.  Solas is also apparently the elven god Fen’harel.  Surprise.  Lost my arm because the mark was trying to murder my ass again, and from what I’ve been told I stormed into the Exalted Council, threw the book at the Orlesian rep’s face (with surprising accuracy considering how wasted I was) and told them I’m disbanding the Inquisition and they can all go fuck themselves.

Best drunk decision ever.

And that’s the jist of what happened with the Inquisition.