#and he takes meds for arthritis but limps again

[arcandoria]

.

[crystalliniti]

Depression Vs. Housework

Okay, let's talk about this topic of depression in mothers who are also stay at home moms. Sure, there are many videos on Tik Tok about it, some sad, some absolutely hilarious; but I want to talk about my thoughts on this matter.

I AM one of those stay at home moms with depression. Depression has mutilated my brain since I was 17 years old. I have been a mother since 21 years old. I am currently 34 years old. That is a long time to deal with depression. I have on and off again taken medicine for my depression, but I really hate being on meds. I am happier-ish, but the mombie side of it isn't as fun.

So, how does housework come to play? Simple. It doesn't often. See, I have to deep clean during my highs, because that's when I have the energy to get it done. Depression is crippling, and most the time I just want to lay in bed all day. While I lay in bed during my low days, I day dream what a good wife and mother should do to make this house look how it should. I think about how hard my husband works, and how he deserves to come home to a spotless home. I think about how my kids deserve a beautiful and super disinfected environment. I use up the little ounce of energy I had on worrying about how bad of a wife and mother I'm being, that I just end up wanting to take a nap.

Let's talk about the high days! They are less depressing. These days I am full of energy, and I really do actually enjoy cleaning. I blast some music on my Alexa, open up the windows, start the laundry, wash the dishes, vacuum, sweep, mop, etc etc... I can become manic during these times. I'll clean for 12 hours straight! I'll continue to clean my house until my husband tells me to just STOP, because he sees me pretty much limping around the house. I have carpal tunnel in both wrists, sarcoidosis, arthritis, and fibromyalgia. So, my manic cleaning episodes take a huge toll on my body. After I finish making my house how I imagined laying in bed during my low days, I am able to keep it up looking beautiful for days, sometimes weeks, before I crash again and let it go back to what it was. I feel like things became repetitive, cleaning the same crap every day, nothing ever just stays clean. My kids start making bigger messes, because they can be slobs. I grow exhausted from constantly repeating, "clean your room", "clean up after yourself", or "did you make this mess?"

Today was a medium day. I got dishes caught up, kitchen and living room clean, and that was it. It was literally cleaning a repeat of yesterdays mess. I know I need to work on folding those 3 loads of laundry in the basket. I know I need to clean my bathroom. I know I need to clean the kids bathroom. I know I need to clean my bedroom. So, in the end, my depression seems to always win. Depression 1. Housecleaning 0.

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Invisible Pain

MAIN MASTERLIST

Tony Stark x Reader

Word Count: 3,050ish

Summary: You haven’t told the team something important about you out of fear of what they’d think.

Notes: This is based on me in my life. This is a very personal one shot for me, so please be kind.

Illnesses take on many shapes and forms. There are those that are physical and those that are mental. Some are clearly visible, some are not. You were in the category of physical, but not visible.

You were 17 years old when you were diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, in every joint of your body. This meant that you had pain in every joint, that would only get worse with time. Your arthritis was the worst in your shoulders making backpacks, lifting, and even getting dressed the extremely difficult some days.

Like any other illness, you had your good days and your bad days. You and your doctors were still trying to figure out how to help you, nothing seemed to work well or for very long. But you continued on, cause that’s what you had to do. Especially because your job very rarely left you have a bad day.

How you became an Avenger is really quite unknown and confusing to you. But here you were, on the world’s greatest team of heroes, saving the day from anything and everything, almost everyday. No one on the team, but Fury, knew about your arthritis. Even your best friend, Tony, didn’t know. 

You didn’t want them to see you any different or take pity on you, or compare you to old people (which happened way too much when you were first diagnosed). Then there was the chance that they wouldn’t believe you, which happened too often as well. Because people couldn’t see you were in pain and you did a good job at hiding it, so how bad could it really be?

Most days, you just fought through the pain, pushing yourself harder than you knew you probably should. But you had too. It was your job.

You woke up one morning, immediately knowing it was going to be one of those very terrible, bad days. It a been a few years since a day like this, so this one came as a little bit of a shock. Just breathing seemed to take a lot of your energy and tears built up as you tried to move your arms.

“Agent L/N,” FRIDAY called, “it seems that your heart rate is elevated, would you like me to fetch someone for you?”

“No, FRIDAY,” you responded. “I’m good.”

You didn’t want to let anyone see you like this. Weak, fragile. Or the chance of them not believing you after a while. You just didn’t want to go through that again. After pushing yourself through the pain to sit up, you reach over and turned on your shoulder heating pad, resting it on both your shoulders. Everything was screaming at you for every little movement. So you tried to not take too deep of breaths or move at all, leaning against the headboard with your eyes closed, focused on the heating pad, slowly heating up.

“Hey, Y/N!” Tony exclaimed, knocking on your door. “You in there? Breakfast is ready and we have a mission briefing in ten.”

Crap. You had forgotten about the mission briefing. 

“Thanks for the reminder, Tony!” You replied. “I’m not feeling like breakfast today, but I’ll meet you in there for the briefing!”

“I’ll save you a seat!”

Hearing his footsteps leave, you sighed. Did you need breakfast? Yes, especially if you were going to take some pain killers. But did you have the strength to get there? Not a chance. Clenching your eyes shut to prepare yourself for the fire of your joints, you moved over to the edge of the bed. Looking down at your attire, you knew you should change but there was no way you were going to be able to take off the shirt and put another on. 

Biting your bottom lip, you slowly stood up. Waiting there a bit to balance yourself before taking that painful first step. Today, your right hip was worse than your left, though they both still hurt like hell, so you were limping towards the door. 

The stares you were getting as you limped down the hall just confirmed your thoughts. You looked as trashy as you thought you did. By the time you reached the briefing, Steve and Maria Hill had already started. Thankfully, Tony had sat in back, saving you a seat.

“Agent L/N,” the Captain said, making your presence known to everyone. You could feel all their eyes. “Nice of you to finally join us.”

You gave more of a grimace than a smile before he started the briefing back up again. All the others turned their focus back onto the front but Tony. He was watching you with worried eyes. You let out a quiet groan as you sat beside your best friend.

“Y/N,” he leaned over with a whisper, “are you okay?”

“Fine,” you breathed out, eyes clenched shut.

“You should have said something, I could have covered for you.”

“I’m fine, Tony. Really. It will pass.”

He was unconvinced but decided not to continue bugging you about it through the meeting. You had tried your best to focus on what people were presenting, but it was extremely hard when everything was on fire.

“Agent L/N,” Steve continued through the assignments, “will go into the base and retrieve the information needed.” He looked you dead in the eyes. “Are you up for it?”

“Of course, sir,” you responded, trying not to sound so strained.

“Okay, then I think we’re all set here. Everyone meet at the jet in an hour.”

Everyone began disbursing, but you couldn’t move. Once everyone was gone, Tony turned his chair to face you. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and hands clasped together.

“Y/N, don’t try to lie,” he began, “I know you better than anyone. What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing. It will pass. I just need some pain meds.” 

You slowly and shakily began to rise from the chair, using the chair and the table in front of you as leverage. Tony stood with you, quickly placing a hand on your hand to help steady you. You winced at the touch, the pain from your joints radiating everywhere.

“Seriously, honey,” Tony worried, “you aren’t fine.”

“I’ll be fine,” you swatted him away, instantly regretting it because of the pain though. “I’ll be back to normal by the time the quinjet touches the ground.”

~~~

The pains meds had failed, mostly because you had failed to hear where the base you were heading to was located. Cold weather made your arthritis worse. So having a mission in the North Pole was not helping the flare up you were currently experiencing. 

It had taken you almost the whole hour you had to prep to change. And now, you were about to land, and you were failing to put your coat on. 

“Here,” Tony offered, grabbing the coat and holding it behind you. “Let me help.”

“Thanks,” you responded quietly, slowly slipping in one arm then the next.

Tony hurried around to your front and zipped you up. He then grabbed your gloves and carefully pulled them onto your hands.

“You know,” Tony said, grabbing your beanie, “I could help you if you stopped lying to me.” He pulled the beanie onto your head and fixed your hair. “And I really want to help.”

“I’m fine, Tony,” you replied.

“You know that’s the biggest lie, right?”

“I learned it from you.”

He sighed. “Just be safe in there, okay? You’re going in alone and you’re clearly not fine.”

“Tony…”

“I’ll be in there as soon as you call. Okay? I don’t care.”

You gave him a small smile. “Okay.”

He placed a gently kiss to your cheek before his suit form over him and he was called out, with you not far behind. The cold wind against you made your joints feel like thousands of tiny needles, even though you were bundled up. You were trying so hard not to cry, yet one tears escaped and froze as it ran down her face.

“We’re all in place, Y/N,” Steve called over the comms. “Get in there and get the information, we’ll keep everything clear.”

“Copy that,” you responded.

You knew you needed to rush this, but you could barely walk the speed you were going, which wasn’t that fast. Inside the bunker wasn’t much better. It was a small bunker separated from the main base. It was a single hallway, with four labeled doors on each side. You were incredibly grateful when you realized the main control room was one of the first doors. Opening the door, you counted two heads. You slipped out your gun and shot them both, letting out a small whimper each time with the kickback.

“Y/N, was that you?” Tony quickly fretted over the comms. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Tony,” you replied, limping further into the room. “Cap, I’m in.”

“Good job, L/N,” Steve responded. “They’re rushing out of the main base, so hurry.”

You nodded, knowing they couldn’t see you and went over to the computer. Your wrist and fingers screamed as you tried to type as fast as you could, but you pushed through. Even when your watch was screaming at you to slow down cause your heart rate was escalating. Unfortunately for you, your watch was connected to FRIDAY, informing Tony of your condition.

“Y/N, sweetheart, talk to me,” Tony called. 

“I’m… fine…” you panted, trying to focus.”

“That’s not what FRIDAY’s saying. What’s going on in there? Are you being attacked?”

“I’m… almost done…” you pushed through the pain to press send. It quickly sent to FRIDAY and you erased the main frame. “Done.” 

“Good job, L/N,” Steve said. “Now, meet us back at the quinjet. Quick.”

You turned, getting dizzy. Taking a few unsteady steps, you knew you wouldn’t be making it out of there on your own. 

“Tony,” you called weakly, “help.”

“I’m on my way, honey,” he immediately responded. “Don’t move.”

Suddenly, the doors slammed open and HYDRA agents stormed in, giving you no other option but to fight. Crying out in pain with every move you made, you fought off the agents as best you could. But it wasn’t enough. An agent snuck up behind you, grasping your shoulder and pulled you around. You cried out, letting the tears finally free fall down your face. Tony finally entered, shooting down the agent holding onto you. You feel to your knees, trying to curl in on yourself. Once Tony had stopped all the HYDRA agents, his helmet folded into his suit as he came to your side.

“Y/N? Are you hurt?” He worried, checking you over. You sucked in a breath as you nodded. “Where?”

“Everywhere…”

“I’m going to pick you up and fly you out, okay?”

All you out do was give a small nod. You groaned as Tony picked you up. Flying out to the quinjet, Tony tried his best to hold you as steady as he could. Sadly, his touch wasn’t helping at all. The landing jostled you, causing a small cry to escape your mouth.

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked, rushing up with the rest of the team.

“I don’t know,” Tony answered, laying you down on the cot.

“Barton, get us in the air.”

“On it,” Clint replied, rushing to the pilot’s seat.

Tony’s suit disappeared from around him as he knelt next to you. Bruce and Natasha began to work together to hook you up to machine and get an IV in you. You whined with each touch, worrying your teammates. 

“Y/N,” Tony said softly, “what’s going on?”

“I’m… sorry,” you cried quietly. “I’m so sorry…”

“What are you apologizing for?”

“I… I have…” But you weren’t able to finish, losing consciousness due to the medication Bruce had quickly gotten into you.

“FRIDAY, pull up Y/N’s medical history now,” Bruce requested.

“My apologies, Dr. Banner,” FRIDAY responded. “But it seems that Agent L/N’s medical history has a restricted access.”

“By who?” Tony asked.

“Director Fury. Only him and Y/N can access the files.”

“Get Fury on the line. Now.”

The team waited anxiously for Fury’s voice to come over the quinjet, but nothing.

“Director Fury has requested that I tell you that he will meet you back at the compound,” FRIDAY finally said.

“He damn better,” Tony growled.

~~~

“Rheumatoid arthritis?” Many of the team members repeated after Fury had told them about your condition. 

The team was in the common room, while you had been tucked into your bed for some much needed rest. Fury was standing in front of them, stoic as ever.

“Since when?” Tony asked. He was beginning to grow angry at you for keeping such a secret. 

“Since before I knew her,” Fury answered. “Y/N was diagnosed at age 17.”

“You can get arthritis that young?” Steve questioned.

“It’s not that common,” Bruce answered, “but it happens.”

“Why hide it?” Nat asked. 

“Now that is a question Y/N must answer,” Fury replied. “I’ve already said too much. Right now though, Y/N needs some serious rest and not a lot of stress.”

Tony clenched his jaw and stood up, marching out of the room.

“What’s up with him?” Steve asked.

“Seriously, Steve?” Natasha questioned. “He’s in love with her. He’s mad he didn’t know sooner.”

“He’s in love with her? Are you sure? I’m pretty sure they’re just… best… friends… okay, yeah, I’m old.”

~~~

Tony was mad at you, no question about it. You two supposedly told each other everything, then this happened. Though his wasn’t happy with you, he was still very concerned. Locking himself away in his lab, Tony studied everything there was to know about rheumatoid arthritis. He absolutely hated feeling this helpless, especially when it came to you. Tony didn’t want to feel that way again.

You slept until well into the night. Slowly waking up, the pain was definitely still there, but more bearable. With your eyes not fully open, you looked around your room. You were surprised yet a little relieved to see that you were alone. Pushing yourself to sit up, you let out a small groan and a long breath. The mission definitely didn’t go as you had planned, and you were embarrassed because of it. 

With a deep breath, you slowly moved over to the edge of the bed. As you pushed yourself off to head to the bathroom, your bedroom door opened.

“What are you doing?” Tony fretted, hurrying to you. “You should be in bed still.”

“I need to pee,” you replied, sleepily, with your eyes squinting because of the light streaming in from the hallway.

“Then call for help next time.”

“I’m not injured, Tony. I can walk.”

“But you—“

“Need to be able to pee on my own. Wait out here if you want to but I don’t need help.”

You slowly went to your connecting bathroom, sighing as you sat on the toilet. When you were done with your business, you walked out to see that Tony had shut the door and was now staring out your window. You walked to your bed, the tension slowly building.

“Tony—“

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He was quiet and hurt, which hurt you. “I thought we told each other everything.”

“I just… I’m sorry, Tony. I really am.”

When he turned to face you, the look on his face broke your heart. It was hurt, loud and clear, shining through his eyes. Tears slowly began building up in yours. 

“I—“ your voice broke slightly. You took a deep, shaky breath. “There’s just so many sides to this… so many sides people can react to finding out… they believe me and worry too much, believing that just by breathing I could break. There’s those who don’t believe me at all and those who spend every waking second comparing me to their grandparents… and then there’s those who don’t believe… but that’s not even the worst one…. The worst one is those that believe but slowly think I’m overreacting. That I can just push through, like I don’t do that every freakin’ day already.” You let a tear slip out of your eye. “Like I don’t feel pain every damn day… when I complain, when I say it’s too much, I mean it’s too damn much… but people still don’t believe that I’m trying my best… that’s why I didn’t say anything. I was terrified about what people would think… about what you would think…”

Tony didn’t quickly move. He stood there, staring, while his mind was clearly turning. You closed your eyes, turning away from Tony. Your throat began to tighten, emotions building. Tony’s footsteps were heard, and you swore they were heading towards the door. So it surprised you when you felt a dip in your bed and a gently hand under your chin. Tony guided your head to face him as your eyes slowly opened, glistening with tears.

“It hurts that you kept this from me. It does,” he started. “But it doesn’t hurt as much as knowing that you’ve been hurt so many times because people didn’t believe you. That you’ve been pushing your body to the absolute limit to protect yourself.” He moved his hand onto your cheek, catching the tears from your cheeks. “You didn’t have to protect yourself from me, honey, cause all I want to do is protect you… I believed you were the strongest woman before this, and now I know it. You can depend on me, Y/N. I will be there when ever you need help, or when you believe you can do it on your own. But you don’t have to, cause I want to be there… I… I love you.”

“Even knowing the truth?”

“Honey, that only made me love you more.”

You quickly put your lips on his. He willingly welcomed it. When you separated, Tony rested his forehead against yours.

“I love you, too,” you breathed out.

He pressed a quick kiss to your lips. “Now, I’ve researched everything there is to know about RA and I think—“

You shook your head. “Okay, mama bear, do you think we could get some sleep and talk more about it in the morning?”

“Yes, dear.”

Part 2

Again, this is a very personal story with very many real elements of my life in it. Except that I’ve never had a boyfriend. I scare many potential boyfriends away due to my arthritis and other health problems. 

Please be understanding to those will unseen, chronic issues. They push themselves harder then they have to. I would know, I do it every day.

Not everyone experiences Rheumatoid Arthritis the way I do, keep that in mind. 

[lihikainanea]

An open call for advice from dog mammas

hey frenns!

As some of you know, I am the proud mama to a lil perfect Aussie bb who will be 2 in January. We’ve had some ups and downs but he’s just so fucking perfect.

Long story short he started limping a bit this past January, and his original vet was like ��oh it’s hip dysplasia for sure” and was like, ready to wheel him in for a $30,000 surgery for titanium hips when he wasn’t even a year old. Needless to say, we switched vets pretty fast.

I’ve been seeing a new vet who is pretty fantastic and takes a very conservative approach to treatment. We have weekly “desensitization” visits where he just goes in and gets a shit ton of treats, gets pet by everyone, gets told he’s a very good boy--just to help him not be so nervous at the vet. His new doc is really fantastic and I love her.

His limp was intermittent--it would go away for a few months, and then show up again. Always on his right hind leg. In June, it became more present--after a very active day full of playing (he goes to a daycare twice a week), I notice that he’d lie down to nap and when he got up, he’d limp. We tried one week on anti-inflammatories, which did wonders--but came back when we stopped the meds. So we did another week--and the same thing happened.

His vet and I finally decided it would be a good idea to do some XRays to see what’s really going on, and it took a lot of convincing on my part because he had to be sedated and I hate doing that.

The X Rays showed, what the vet thinks, is a teeny tiny MCL tear. She referred me to an orthopedist to see my options.

Now, here’s the issue. The surgery to repair a small torn/completely ruptured MCL is major. They saw into bone. They use steel. The rehab is 3-6 months--and that’s like, no walking. NO WALKING. I live on the second floor, and my dude is an Aussie. He’s active, and I travel a shit ton. This is a major life decision.

But like, the first step is with the orthopedist, which we have an appointment September 21. And already, when I emailed my pupper’s file over, the doc got back to me and said “okay well don’t feed him the day of the appointment because I’m going to re-do the x ray, it’s not up to my standards.”

Um...No? FUCK NO?

I don’t want to do that--not only because it’s a fuck ton of money, but because I fail to see the point. The X Rays are two weeks old. I’m not re-doing them just to fit your standard--work with what you’ve got. The x rays are perfectly fine, and there’s 4 views. My dude, I ain’t redoing that shit.

But that, right there, makes me feel like an irresponsible pet parent. I want the best for my little guy.

But then also like...look, I’m not convinced on the surgery front. My bubba doesn’t seem to be in pain, and he only limps SOMETIMES--other times, he’s perfectly fine. And like, right now--okay, he’s at risk of arthritis if I don’t fix it, he limps and has some soreness when he’s too active.

And if I get the surgery? The side effect are....he’s at risk of arthritis when he’s older (because it’s SURGERY and they saw into BONE), and he’ll still limp and get sore if he’s too active because it’ll be the scarred tissue form surgery.

I don’t know. I fail to see the fucking point, but in saying that, I also feel like a TERRIBLE and irresponsible pet parent for potentially letting my doggo live with pain?

HALP.

[turnthepage11]

tw: medical discussion, mention of prescription drug use

Personal Post: Appreciate any words of encouragement but honestly just trying to throw my thoughts out to the universe.

I’m struggling so hard right now folks. For context: I am 25. I have a lot of medical issues, rheumatoid arthritis, IBS, ADHD, PCOS. And those are just my long term diseases. When I turned 18 I started having hip pain on my left side accompanied by numbness. I had assumed it was my newly diagnosed arthritis and dismissed it for a few years. Almost three years ago, I finally brought it up to my doctor and long story short, we learned I had a hip impingement which is when there is extra bone on the ball of my hip, making it hurt to walk.

I had surgery last summer for it and while they were in my body, they learned I had a pretty bad labrum tear (on a scale of 1-4, I had a 3) and they fixed it when they removed the extra bone because even though it was decently bad, it never showed up on any of my scans.

Now my surgery didn’t really fix any of my hip problems. My base level of pain was lower, but with any activity it gets pretty high, pretty quickly. (That was context, let’s get to the past 36 hours).

On Friday afternoon, I went to go sit down in my desk chair at school (you know, nothing wild) and as I sit, I felt and heard a loud POP in the front side of my left hip. I yelled so loud, one of the kids who had passed my room a few seconds prior ran back to check on me (one of my sophomores, aka my og crew from year 1).

I stood up immediately and it felt like a muscle had just cramped so I tried walking it off. Sitting hurt the most, followed by standing, then walking so I walked for thirty minutes with a pretty severe limp, hoping that it would slowly go away the more I used it.

It got a little better, not much and then I had to sit for two hours to tutor two students who were on quarantine. Then I had my hour drive home where I turned on my heated seats since usually the heat helps my hip.

Well. It made my lower back hurt INSANELY bad (when it hadn’t hurt previously. Or at least less than my hip had so I hadn’t noticed it). When I got home from my hour commute, I could barely walk and carry my backpack into the house, let alone get up the three steps into my parents’ house.

I took leftover Percocet from my surgery last summer to help with the pain Friday night and it took my 8 pain level down to a 5 and I finally managed to fall asleep.

This morning I woke up and my limp wasn’t as bad, but my hip still hurt and so did my lower back and I was at a 7 on the pain scale. Despite that, I went to breakfast with my family and took another Percocet just so I could see how I would feel around 3 when it wore off since my RA is usually pretty bad in the morning too but calms down by 12 or so and I didn’t want to be worn down from my RA pain and my injury. Even with the Percocet, I was still at 4/5 all morning.

I ended up falling asleep around 11:45 because I don’t sleep too much during the week combined with the med and woke up at 3 at a 7 on the pain scale. I asked my best friend who is a BSN if I needed to go to the ER taking all the above in consideration and the fact that the Percocet didn’t do too terribly much for my pain and she told me I needed to go asap ESPECIALLY because it was my surgery hip.

So I went to my rinky dink rural medicine hospital. They put me in a room for two hours and forgot about me until the doctor finally saw me on his list, came and saw me and said “I don’t know why the hell they put you in this room when I need you in a bed to test your range of motion.” (I was in an old closet with a phlebotomy chair.)

He did range of motion in my hip. Not the worse I’ve ever had but not great either. Said he felt how swollen I was in my hip and thought I might have retorn my labrum or even had one of the strings repairing my labrum last year break. The only thing he could do was a CT, not an MRI, to see if my hip or one of my vertabrae had came out of place. Luckily they hadn’t (though at this point I almost wish they had. It might have been an easier fix.)

He recommended I take three days off of work, go on crutches, and take it easy. I’m a middle/high school English teacher who is semestered by double periods. Missing three days of work is like missing six class days. I barely wanted crutches, I’ve walked like this for a day, how are crutches gonna help? But then I got a steroid shot and it made the pain a solid 8. The doctor kept checking on me and saw me crying so he gave me a shot of morphine and I told him I changed my mind, I wanted the crutches.

I’m hopeful that in the morning I’ll feel at least marginally better. I don’t think I will, but I’m gonna hope for it at least. He gave me steroids, Percocet for the week (which I’ll only be able to take at night because obviously I can’t teach kids while having Percocet in me), and anti nausea meds just in case. But I have to call my doctor who did the surgery for a follow up… which wouldn’t be bad except he’s four hours away. And he’s probably going to request the special MRI I got to confirm I needed surgery. Which I can only get done down where he practices. So that’s two sick days gone right there.

God forbid I actually need surgery to fix a tear FROM SITTING DOWN IN A FUCKING CHAIR. I’ll use all my sick time right there. (I only have 20 days and 3 personal. I take sick days for appointments often because of my specialist appointments and my work bestie is getting married on a Sunday in May so I’m taking a personal day for the following day.) I told my work bestie that the doctor wanted me to take three days off and she said to do it, I had the time and when I pointed out the potential for surgery, she cringed and agreed with what I said about sticking it out for the next three days.

And to top it all off, my parents are acting like I’m over exaggerating. I asked my mom to take my car and drop me off because my legs had started to go weak (which was the entire reason I went to the ER and not the pain. Because I assumed something had happened to my back for my legs to go weak.) She refused, so I drove myself. Was going to drive myself home until the doctor gave me a morphine shot. When I got in the car complaining about my hip, starting to cry about the recommendations, my dad just told me “that’s life kid, deal with it.”

I don’t feel comfortable unloading this on my coworker friends because I know this is a lot. But I’m just so… disappointed. I have lost thirty pounds this year, a major goal of my doctors but never really pushed. Got better at taking my medicine (thank you ADHD diagnosis and medication). But like, I am 25 and might have to have hip surgery… again. And my doctor had said if he had to go in again there was a high chance I would have to get a hip replacement because any additional repairs might be hard with how much damage I had done to my labrum already.

I’m tired, my body is exhausted, I’m already dreading the outcome and time off I’m going to be taking over the next month because of this. I’m annoyed by my parents’ reaction to the whole thing. I’m dreading work this week because I know everyone is going to say something about me being in crutches.

This just sucks folks. I was having such an okay school year until this decided to say “nah, sucks to be you.”

[let-me-love-you-loki]

Waking Up in Vegas--Ch. 36

Chapter 36: Don’t Need Apologies

Dean, Evening, 7:30 PM

           I paced, a rage bubbling in my chest that made me want to tear the world apart. It had been a long time since I’d fought someone and wanted to hurt them, But God knew, I wanted to bust up Seth Rollins so badly that he couldn’t walk. He’d burned his bridges with Mera. It didn’t matter the history they had. It didn’t mean anything to him.

           He’d made that abundantly clear when he fucked every woman who looked at him.

           Growling, I stopped and looked down at my hand. The skin over my knuckles was busted open. Blood dripped down between my fingers. There was pain enough that it wouldn’t surprise me if I’d broken something.

           “Goddammit,” I snarled, resuming my pacing, only this time heading toward the medical hallway. I meant to see Mera, but if I ran into Rollins… I’d bounce his head off the concrete for good this time.

Mera, Evening, 7:32 PM

           Once Seth left, I had a chance to sit down. My joints ached as if I were an old woman, eaten away with arthritis. Dizziness played at the edges of my consciousness. Ever present heat still suffused my body, the impending fever rushing through me. Nausea roiled my stomach as my migraine began to squeeze my skull.

           I should have listened to Dean. He told me to stay at the hotel… to rest and take my immunosuppressant and leave the care of the superstars to the other ATs. He begged me to stay behind. Begged. And I hadn’t listened.

           A soft mattress and sleep would have been heavenly at that moment. I needed to take care of this. I needed to take my meds and let the flare up run its course so I could feel somewhat normal again. The longer I put it off, the worse it would be.

           I made myself get to my feet and shuffle painfully to the door. Chris would understand if I needed to leave. Dr. Amann always said that the only way we could be able to take care of the superstars is if we took care of ourselves too. And he was really good about walking his talk.

           His office was always in the first room on the med hallway, giving him easy access to anyone and everyone who might need him. I gripped the trunks and carts that lined the hallway as I limped my way to the head of the hall. Every step was agony. I wanted to just collapse in the floor and cry. I hurt… so much.

           “Mera?” I looked up to see Dean racing toward me. It took a moment for me to register his busted lip and the blood dripping on his hand. He took one look at me and snarled. “That’s it. We’re going home.”

           I tried to force myself to stand up straight. “I’m going to talk to Chris right now. You need to get ready for your spot. Why are you bleeding?”

           His blue eyes went dark, as if he’d dropped a wall behind them. He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I’m getting you out of here.”

           There was no fighting him, and the truth was that I didn’t want to. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to stop aching.

           I slumped against him, tears burning as they ran across the rash on my cheeks. Dean took me gently in his arms and settled me on top of one of the crates. “I’m going to go get your stuff. Then we’re going back to the hotel so you can get some real rest. And you are taking the pills.”

           All I could do was nod. Even that hurt more than I could say. My skin felt clammy. I was sure that, soon, my clothes would be drenched with sweat as the fever really took hold.

Mera, Night, 11:16 PM

           I woke up slowly. My head still throbbed pitifully. Dean was sitting up in the bed next to me, the light of the television playing over his face. I stayed still for a moment as I took stock of my body, searching for aches and pains that remained. My hips and knees were sore, but not nearly as much as before.

           “Dean,” I said quietly, doing my best to pull myself to sit up.

           He turned and smiled, his blue eyes warm and bright. “Hey, darlin’,” he replied, slipping his arm around me to help me. “How do you feel?”

           “A bit better.” I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed. “What happened to your hand?”

           Dean was quiet. I could feel the tension in his body. “I got into a fight with Seth and punched him.”

           My heart ached. “Why? Dean, you could get into so much trouble.”

           He shrugged and drew me close against his chest. I breathed in the scent of him, trying to breathe in something like calm. He pressed a kiss against my hair. “Because he was doing talking shit that he didn’t have the right to talk. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re feeling better.”

           “You don’t always have to be looking out for me.” I sat up a little straighter and turned to him, even though it made an ache run down my spine.

Dean, Night, 11:20 PM

           Even in pain, Mera was beautiful. Her honey and gold hair was mussed and her amber eyes were still blurry with sleep, but she was breathtaking. I didn’t care about the rash on her face. She was everything that I could ever have wanted, and it killed me to see her in pain.

           I brushed my fingertips along her jaw, trying desperately to stop myself from pulling her close and losing myself in the taste of her lips. “You are the one thing that matters to me, Mera. The only thing that matters.”

           She looked at me with those wide eyes of hers, and I could see tears settling on her lashes. “I’d fight the whole world for you,” I said smoothly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

           There was a flicker of uncertainty in her eyes as she crawled and sat up on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her, stroking my fingers through her hair. She closed her eyes and leaned against my chest, curling down to tuck her head beneath my chin. I held her as tightly as I dared, my lips against her hair.

           “I love you, Mera. More than I’ve loved anyone or anything in my life,” I whispered against her hair. “It kills me to see you unhappy or hurt. I want to see you smile. I want to see you happy. I don’t want you to be in pain.”

           She sighed, sinking a little more closely against my chest. I felt the heat of her breath against my skin. That beast in my chest purred in contentment. Even though she was in pain, she was in my arms, she was safe.

           “Dean…” Her voice was calm and sweet, still slightly rough from sleep. “You don’t have to fight all the time. You don’t need to worry so much. I’m going to be okay.”

           “I know.” My lips brushed across her forehead, down the curve of her nose. My fingertips trailed along the still red rash along her cheek. She looked away, trying to turn her face from my gaze. I grasped her chin in my fingers and tilted her head upward. “But you are worth fighting for and worrying about. I should have done more to make sure you stayed home.”

           She sat up, her amber eyes meeting my own with a ferocity that I hadn’t seen before. “You aren’t to blame for me being stubborn.” Mera held my face in her hands, and I swore I was going to cry. “If I didn’t have you…”

           “Don’t… don’t say that,” I said, wrapping her tightly in my arms. “You’re mine and I’m yours, and nothing and no one is going to change that.”

Tag List

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[connorssock]

What if the reason Gavin is perpetually pissed is that he lives with chronic pain that the cold makes worse. This could be due to existing medical condition or injury or both. -fan

Looking back on it, Gavin should have known he was going to have a flareup. He cursed himself repeatedly but it was too late to do much other than phone in and say he needed time off. Again. Even with special consideration and adjustments to work, he still hated the fact that he needed time off. Of course fate would curse him with rheumatoid arthritis at such an early age.

Usually, he could get by, meds kept the worst of the pain at bay and since becoming a detective, he didn’t have to chase down perps personally. It suited him and his knees just fine. Still, with everything going on with sodding androids (who unfairly never got sick and could replace parts that were damaged), the precinct being over-stretched and Hank not pulling his weight, Gavin should have seen the symptoms of another flareup coming.

He hobbled out to his kitchen for the medication and threw a heat pack in the microwave for good measure. Over the years he’d learnt the literature for coping off by heart. Meds, heat (because the cold only seemed to make things worse for him), careful and gentle exercise, and his favourite, relax. Like he could relax at all. The precinct was going down the shitter along with the rest of the world. Androids were gaining sentience and starting to be recognised as equals. It was only a matter of time before one of them swanned in and replaced him. Fowler was already talking about some military grade asshole partnering with him.

The microwave beeped and Gavin hissed as he pulled the heat pack out. By the time he made it back to the sofa and managed to get his legs up, it had cooled enough that he didn’t have to bother worrying about a towel to wrap the thing in.

It took a little under a week before Gavin felt up to getting out of the house. His knee still screeched in protest, the right one was especially bad this time round. But the longer Gavin stayed at home, the worse his mood got and he knew that if he didn’t get himself back on track quickly, he’d need to drop by the psychiatrist again.

With gritted teeth, Gavin went to work, relieved that self-driving cars were a thing so he didn’t have to worry about pedals. At the precinct, he tried to appear as normal as possible, hid his limp behind a slower stride and gritted his teeth. Pain killers were stashed in his bag along with his lunch. Not that they filled him with joy. While they took the edge of the pain away, they did screw with his stomach enough that he tried to stop taking them as quickly as possible. It was a hopeless battle with no victory in sight.

Slumping at his desk, Gavin didn’t realise that Chris had approached with a case file in hand.

“What?” Gavin snapped and rubbed his temple. He really hoped there wasn’t a homicide scene he was needed at.

“Just wanted to run something by you.” Chris looked taken aback and Gavin’s more sour than usual mood.

It was a case that wasn’t really in Gavin’s jurisdiction, he didn’t have time for it either. A week off and a lot of crap had accumulated in his inbox. He was half tempted to tell Chris where to shove it but Fowler saved him the hard work.

“Reed, my office,” he said and shot Chris a look.

Slowly, Gavin made his way into the office, took the stairs one at a time, not caring who saw him. Inside, Fowler was standing next to an android.

“Your new partner, Reed. Show him the ropes.”

“Fuckin’ A,” Gavin rolled his eyes. But when the android stuck his hand out and introduced himself as Nines, Gavin shook it and huffed out a “Reed”.

There wasn’t much Gavin could do, Nines gracefully took the empty desk opposite him, interfaced with the computer and was immediately up to speed on everything. At least he didn’t make a show of it, merely smiled at Gavin and told him he’d get to work on some of the outstanding reports where it was just a case of summarising evidence from the archives room.

Gavin grunted in response but didn’t say anything. He had his own work to get on with. If Nines could entertain himself and maybe even get a load of the more boring reports done then Gavin might even call himself a bit happy.

“Let me get a coffee for you,” Nines had still Gavin’s attempts at getting up. Not waiting for a reply, Nines disappeared into the breakroom. A minute later, he appeared with a steaming cup of coffee and also a glass of cold water. Leaving them on the desk, he returned to his seat.

Gavin wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth and he relished the fact he could take his painkillers with water. Somehow it never felt right with hot coffee but he was usually too much on an idiot to remember until it was too late.

“Thanks,” he threw over the desk and got a small smile from Nines in return.

They worked well together, Nines silently working around any limitation Gavin had. He even took in stride the foul moods when Gavin ached particularly badly on a cold day. With winter setting in. Gavin’s knees were slower to bend in the mornings, prone to locking up if he was sat still for too long. Not once did Nines complain that a human was holding him up.

“Why haven’t you asked for a better partner yet?” Gavin asked him one lunchtime.

“There is nobody better than you.” The disbelieving snort Gavin gave drew a sharp look. “Just because your knees give you trouble does not mean you don’t have the sharpest mind here. Even in your less than pleasant moments, I find you very stimulating.”

There was nothing Gavin could say to that other than scoff and bump his shoulder against Nines’. They stood in the breakroom, enjoying each other’s silence.

Of course things couldn’t ever go smoothly. A spate of late night crime scenes, stress of a potential serial killer or copy cat killings, coupled with bad sleep and the cold of winter were a recipe for disaster. Gavin woke up one morning and let out a harsh cry as his knees refused to cooperate. Fumbling for his phone, he called in sick.

He didn’t expect a knock on his door mid-morning when he was crawling out of bed, knees finally giving enough that he could drag himself across the floor. There was a little relief in knowing he could sit next to the drawer with painkillers and rummage around in them while sitting on the floor without having to stand.

“Who is it?” he yelled from next to the bed. The reply was muffled but his phone started ringing.

“Hello?” he picked up.

“Gavin, it’s Nines. The captain told me you had another flareup. May I come in?”

“Key to the door is under the potted plant to your left.” That was all Gavin said before he hung up the phone.

Dignity had long since flown out the window when he had a flare. He waited and listened as Nines let himself into his home and made short work of finding him. There were many things Gavin expected. Mockery for being so helpless and weak. Sympathy for being a fragile human. Even annoyance at having had yet another flareup. Instead, he got Nines sitting down on the floor next to him with a gentle “What can I do to help?”

For the first time in his life, Gavin found he didn’t have to worry about getting things sorted for himself. Nines brought him his tablets, heated up a gel pack and changed the sheets on the bed he had sweated through.

“My research indicates that some people would find a warm bath helpful,” he suggested tentatively.

Truth be told, it sounded amazing but Gavin had never been able to safely get himself in (and then out) of the tub during a flare so he hadn’t been able to do it. That didn’t seem to bother Nines as he ran the bath and gently carried Gavin towards it. Stripping down to his underwear, Gavin let himself be lowered into the warm water and sighed. It really did feel good, so much better than any heat pack. Fingers rubbed his shoulders, dug into tense muscle until he relaxed into the water, half asleep.

“Thank you,” he murmured and turned to lean a cheek against Nines’ hand.

“You’re welcome,” Nines replied. There was a beat before he leaned closer and pecked Gavin on the cheek. “I hope this is okay.”

“More than,” the reply was soft and Gavin opened his eyes to look at Nines properly. “And if you lean a little closer, I could even show you how okay it is.”

Their smiles were matching as Nines moved from behind Gavin and knelt at the side of the tub. One wet hand wound its way around the back of his neck as Gavin pulled him in for a kiss.

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / talk about menstruation and iud / venting / but i just wanna get this out, and maybe someone else is in the same boat as me because ive never been able to find any accounts of similar experiences ... I wanna preface this by saying im 26 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, which is probably related but i dont know how. I normally have super heavy periods and debilitating cramps, along with discomfort during penetration (or similar activities) on some occasions. Ive tried a couple different birth control options over the years and each one has given me constant cramping. Its weird because the cramping on the pill (2 or 3 different kinds of BC pills in different times of my life) and depoprovera shot were the same in that i would get terrible cramps whenever i did any kind of activity but especially when i stand up from a sitting position. I remember being in college and standing up and having to immediately sit back down hunched over until it passed. I got the depo shot a few months ago and it was the worst thing ever. I had severe cramping with all kinds of movement (and havent been able to even touch myself without setting off the cramps) and after a month of it i started bleeding for a month straight until a doctor gave me estrogen pills on top of it to stop the bleeding. The pills stopped the bleeding but not the cramps, so the plan was for me to wait it out and try an iud next since the medicine would be administered locally instead of by pill or shot through my whole body.... three months during the depo shot i could not exercise or do any physical activity, which of course is making my fibromyalgia and mood worse. I feel like ive lost a whole year to the depo shot, on top of other health problems that have been acting up before the depo. It sucked and im not trying it again. I had about 2 weeks until the mirena iud insertion where i was taking the estrogen pills and still cramping (along with getting a full heavy and bad cramping period during the vitamin-pill week while i waited for the prescription to come in. The cramping was so bad i almost wanted to go to the emergency room, but it lessened by the next day even if i was still going through so many pads.) Before the iud insertion i took a pill the night before which the doctor said could help loosen up my organ to allow for easier insertion since ive never had a kid. I knew i could expect a lot of pain given how sensitive i know i am, but the few people ive heard get them said it was only really painful during and they were fine after, so i figure i could be strong and deal with it if its going to help stop my monthly cramping and bleeding. Turns out the insertion was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life. Normally having a speculum put in already puts me in considerable pain (a speculum feels like a shard of glass shoved in me) but it pales in comparison to getting the iud. I was crying out and struggling to stay still during the proceedure but once it was over i hoped it would start to feel better. It burned with pain and still does days later. I didnt realise i would get severe cramping immediately after the insertion, but i could barely stand up. The doctors had to let me stay in the room for like a half hour before i could limp back to the car. Im lucky i had my mom to drive me home because i could still barely breathe it hurt so badly. I took tylenol about a half hour before the proceedure but i dont think it did anything. I couldnt take advil because of other medicines im taking. So the only other thing i could do is lay there screaming in pain with the heating pad pressed on me. A few hours later my mom had to call an on-call doctor from the same hospital and he said to go to the er so we went. The rest of the night is kind of blurry i was in so much pain and could barely think. The er gave me a painkiller and later a muscle relaxant before telling me i have to stop my other meds so i can take advil. I was there for like 6 hours i think, feeling waves of terrible cramps that feel like a knife is slicing the inside of me - the same feeling as the iud insertion. I feel bad for everyone who had to hear me screaming every 10 minutes and my mom who had to stay with me. The doctors kicked me out immediately after giving me advil and i went home barely able to even walk or move. It took me another 2 hours to manage to fall asleep even though i was so exhausted and had the worst chest and body pain from being so tense at experiencing the worst pain of my life. Nornally, if unmedicated, ill get periods so bad im screaming in pain, but it will only last 1-2 hours until the advil or tylenol kicks in and dulls it down to a bearable ache, so this iud was supposed to be my fall back on options to eliminate cramps. (I really wish the doctor would just let me get a hysterectomy i dont ever want kids and this whole situation is giving me severe gender dysphoria) Yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping off my traumatic er experience and today im still getting really horrible waves of cramping and nausea. Thankfully im not bleeding (...yet?) But it still feels like having a tampon being yanked out of me that wont come out. The knife feeling isnt there so im not screaming, but the cramps are still so bad and i dont know if i need to take it out. The er doctor said to take it out if the advil doesnt help, and that this is most likely anxiety making the pain get out of control. The er nurse said this is normal. Like??? How the fuck to people deal with this im scared about taking it out because thats probably going to hurt even more. I forgot to ask my prescribing doctor if theres a risk for toxic shock or something but like i dont have a fever its just so painful feeling it there. The placement is "right" according to the ultrasounds but it hurts so much and is still giving me cramps I really dont know how anyone could deal with this the whole thing is so upsetting i want it out but i dont want to deal with the proceedure to get it out and that same severe cramping i dont think theyll allow it to be a surgical removal but i wont be able to sit there and deal with it again!!!! Just thinking about all of it is giving me more anxiety too, i have such dysphoria about my internal organs and such a terrible phobia about even having them!!! This amount of cramping should not fucking be "normal" i hate being invalidated at the er like that God i just dont know what to do the cramping is so bad and im still scared of getting an ulcer from the advil. Thats another thing. A year ago i got an ulcer from taking advil because of period cramps, so ive been suffering taking tylenol! Thats why i want a BC that works to get rid of cramps and bleeding!! Now here i am with the worst cramps and bloating of my life!! How am i expected to function like this!!! I dont remember half of the past few days because ive been in so much pain!!! I can only hope this gets better because it feels worse today than it did yesterday, even if its not as bad as the day before when i had the insertion done. The doctor said if im still having the same kind of cramps ive been getting with the other types of birth control after a month i can look into other options (hopefully hysterectomy!!) But thats so far away and i havent been able to practise driving or apply to any jobs because i cant fucking do more than sit or lie down because of the god damn cramps Ive lost like all my personality and enjoyment of life and lost any one i could call a friend because this is consuming me and i cant fucking do anything i hate it i just want something to go right for once i want to be able to exercise again i love exercising and i havent been able to go for a walk without getting winded and severe cramping I cant even find other people that get cramping on birth control when standing up or doing activities so i dont know why this is happening to me ive looked everywhere i can and all i get is dysphoria because """"mensutruation is a womens health problem"""" and my phobia of pregnancy makes it impossible to browse forums I dont know what my point to all this is i just really need to vent because i feel so alone with this specific problem Life sucks and then you die i guess lmao

[themiddlelayer]

My Double Life

Life with Tampa continues to be amazing! We are so in sync and just flat out happy together. We had another awesome weekend with just enough down time for him to be rested for his work week...

On Saturday we got up early and drove 90 minutes to his sensory tank appointment, watched “It Chapter 2″ and had dinner with Puppy where we met his ex-wife/girlfriend and their adorable 6 year old daughter. 

On Sunday we made breakfast at home then went to look at a few houses. The last one we looked at was damn near perfect on all fronts, but the street it’s on is the same name as his ex-gf/stalker’s gamer handle. Then as we were walking through, I saw that the last name of the owners is mine, which is MM’s. 

Cookie said we shouldn’t overthink it. Olive said it could just be a "rise above and TAKE OVERRRR" thing. 

We both loved the house but it just hit the market on Friday so Tampa wants to keep an eye on it to see if they come down in price or not. He still has to get things taken care of with his Florida house before it can go on the market, but at the same time he doesn’t want to sign another lease here at the end of the year. If it’s, as Tampa said on the way out, “our future home” then it will work out. I just have to trust that. 

In between houses, I asked him to stop at McDonald’s because it was the best bathroom option on our route. I came out and couldn’t find him. I’d had the fleeting thought that fries sounded good, and he emerged with a large fries in hand. Great minds! I also sang out loud in the car with him, which is huge. I’ve known Cookie for 4 years and she only heard me sing for the first time last week. Being with Tampa brings out so much joy that I hadn’t been able to access before. It’s simply amazing! 

After looking at the houses, Tampa and I found a place in town where we played air hockey and ping pong for a bit. I don’t remember the last time I truly “played” like that. We picked up a few things that Cookie got from my old house, got sushi, slushies and spent the rest of the day hanging out at home. 

He showed me one of his all-time favorite movies, and ended up opening up about an incident overseas that is part of his PTSD. It was hard to hear and to see him tear up like he did, but it was big that he feels so safe with me that he could share that. 

On the other side of life, MM and I had another talk about money and logistics last week that had me in tears. I hated for Tampa to see me like that, but he’s been nothing but supportive. 

Our biggest fur baby, Bear, hasn’t been doing well lately either. A couple weeks ago he was limping as though his paw was hurt and has rapidly gone downhill since then. MM took him for bloodwork and they didn’t find anything but x-rays showed hip dysplasia and arthritis. He was a rescue and they thought he was about 4 years old when we got him 4 years ago. MM sent me some pics of how he’s started laying down and a video of how he’s been pacing and limping around. He’s not eating all his food so getting meds in him has been a challenge and while the CBD oil seemed to help a little, Bear yelped in pain last time MM tried to lift his head to give it to him. I’m going up to see the fur babies on Wednesday but I really think that Bear is heading towards the rainbow bridge. 

Cookie’s fiance, Faust, has been chatting me up again today. I told him about one of the houses Tampa and I saw that had a basement and looked like a party house if not a porn set and production location. He started talking about dungeon furniture and then about one of his slaves “playing” with me. 

I’m not closed to the possibility of play with others but Olive is the only woman in my life I’m actively interested in getting intimate with at the moment. When we left breakfast she messaged me saying that she was thinking, “I could be a unicorn!” and as well as Tampa takes care of me, I actually think I’d be good with sharing him like that. He mentioned something about it because he can see how Olive and I are together and that he wouldn’t ask to interact with her at all if things went there. It all feels so damn good! So secure. So safe. 

Tampa came home from work early today and is laying down for a bit. He wants to take me to lunch so I’m going to get myself together here in a few. MM was supposed to bring my desk down today but he was too “sad” to get out of bed and go into work today. I totally get it, but I’m really tired of having to use my laptop rather than getting an office space set up. 

Everything in its own time, right? 

[highcarbhealth]

What was your life like before you joined us and did you try any other treatment or plan?

I am a 53 year old female. For years I had been developing an increasing amount of physical issues particularly joint pain in my hands, shoulders, hips, elbows and feet. Diagnoses in the different joints encompassed osteo arthritis, impingement, calcification, bone spurs, tendinitis, bursitis and so on.

I would try to workout to stay active and counter the pain, following medical suggestions, but would always 'pay' for it with increased pain afterwards. I was taking NSAIDs on an almost daily basis - following my doctor's advice. I was using ointments, bandages, and braces to help my body heal. In the last few months before I went WFPB, I had also developed diverticulitis and inflamed patches across my entire colon in what looked like crohn's disease in a colonoscopy and biopsies. 12 years ago, I was diagnosed with celiac's disease and have been living strictly gluten free since.

When I would think about my future, I was increasingly concerned, and starting to get hopeless that I'd not be able to keep my mobility and be able to live an active life as I was growing older.

How did you find out about us?

For a few years, I had been interested in Clint Paddison's WFPB diet to reverse rheumatoid arthritis. I had tried it for a bit a couple of years ago but didn't stick with it. When I developed digestive issues in addition to joint pain and was put on very strong antibiotics I got concerned about the effect of those on my joint pain and, looking for suggestions, ended up watching a talk between Clint and Shamiz and clearly felt that this is the way to go for me.

What was the program like?

My previous attempt to go WFPB on my own in the background, I signed up for Highcarbhealth, because I knew I needed help and guidance making the transition to WFPB.

They make you read and watch things before starting the dietary changes. I found that a little annoying, but it made sense to have a knowledge base before embarking on this change and I learned important things. When the diet started, I lost a lot of weight (15-20lbs) It took me a while to understand that I could eat as many bananas and potatoes as I wanted and didn't have to go hungry. 😁 I also got frustrated with myself when I felt I wasn't sticking well enough to WFPB and often times, I didn't really know what I could and could not eat. This is where Shamiz was super helpful!! During our weekly calls he would build me back up and encourage me. He had the right ideas and advice for me that would help me take the next step. I know for sure that I would not have been able to accomplish all the dietary changes on my own, let alone in such short time.

It wasn't long into making those changes that I started noticing first changes in my body. I specifically remember getting up in the morning and after the first few steps realizing that I wasn't hobbling and limping. Over time, the pain in my fingers got better and I was able to sleep without carpal tunnel braces. I was able to sleep on my 'bad' shoulder that had brought me to the ER and put me on short term opioid treatment a year earlier. I felt more awake, and energetic, stopped taking melatonin and other sleep helpers yet my sleep improved. Even my acid reflux and bladder issues have almost completely resolved.

I know I had to do the work myself, but Shamiz coaching was a key success factor for me. I was particularly impressed by his always fast response to all of my emails. I loved to know that I could always reach out with questions.

How is your life now after the guidance?

I haven't taken any NSAIDs in over three months and feel better than in years! I am off all the other meds that I was taking. I sleep better. I can workout and even go jogging again without being in pain afterwards. All blood tests are free from any inflammatory makers. Most of all, I have hope for my future that I can be the active aging woman I always envisioned myself to be. I feel stronger and able to take on life. Three months into this life change, my digestive issues have resolved, my joint pain is at the level from maybe 6-7 years ago and I know as I will continue on this journey, this will get even better.

Now when I want to workout I just do it. Before, the amount of pain was holding me up so many times or I had to wait an hour or two before my stiff joints were able to take it. Now I leave the house when I want. Before, I always had to check with my colon if we were ready to go - and was late to activities many times.

I love that I can eat large portions of food and feel full and happy. Food cravings that led me to overeating in the past are pretty much gone and if I get a craving, I know what to do about it that doesn't involve chocolate and chips. Thank you, Shamiz, for maple glazed sweet potatoes 👍 And a few other positive side effects: All my old clothes that I was about to throw out fit me again. I like that no animal has to suffer for me anymore and that my trash is now 95% compost.

What advice would you give to others?

If in doubt try it out! What do you have to lose other than pain and maybe some weight?

Annette

[charliecomic]

De-stress

Changed my work shift to even earlier in the day to see if that reduces stress. With the old shift, I was in traffic for about an hour in the morning, and between 1.5-2 hours in the afternoon. 

I would often feel like a cranky toddler once I hit the 2 hour mark. Sometimes I would literally have to scream. It’s nice to be in one of those positions now that says come in whenever works for you! As long as you get your work done, you can choose which ‘shift’ works best for you. Let’s see how this goes.

Traffic is a lot of stress, I drive so far and you have to stay vigilant and aggressive so you don’t get run over or pushed around by other cars and trucks on the highways. 

Also slightly freaking because I know phones are only supposed to be kept for 2 years but I kept mine for 5 because I dont like change and I take good care of my shit....until it finally limped on its last legs. 

I just want my voicemails off of it. I saved voicemails from my granny, whose voice I will never be able to hear again. She left me two very funny voicemails.

One was calling and trying to get me to tell her a funny story. I was known as the story grandchild. I told stories to her so good her teeth would fall out. She would even tell the nurse that usually came by with the good pain meds to come back in an hour so she could finish the story with me. That was big for her because by the end she was like Smeagol from Lord of the Rings with those dang pain meds. But hey, arthritis sucks soo....

The second was just gut busting. She found out me, in my early twenties went out into a local park at 6am and ran into a herd of deer with my dog who was then a 7 month old knuckleheaded hound pup. I was in awe of the herd as they couldn’t smell us coming, or hear us over the noise of their own feet. I have never been so close. Anyway, somebody tattled on me probably meaning to share the glory of such a moment as a beautiful thing but my granny don’t like animals and she took it the wroonnnng way. 

So I had two glorious minutes of her southern twang berating me and telling me that God’s Angels were around me and that damn dog and I was lucky I didn’t get clocked in the head by those rabid beasts!!!

Because deer are like bears apparently. 

I can’t handle it, and I won’t handle it very well if Apple Genius Bar cannot give me my voicemails back. Because I didn’t know there was more stuff of her I could lose, other than her physical presence.

I know it will hurt. But the hope is it won’t hurt too much. But then I think of how wonderful she was, and doesn’t she have a right to hurt me that much? Because she was so wonderful? Still not fair, but prepping myself, and Genius Bar better prep themselves too...#helloinvoluntarytearsihateyou

Also Charlie is five, and I bought him a tennis ball cake because I’m that dog lady who doesn’t have any kids and loves kids birthday parties so must subsitute her dog until she has kids. So as soon as I figure out my fate, I will post those pics because he was too cute. 

Also the vet is now calling him middle aged. That makes him older than me. So now I must look upon him and see that he has surpassed me in wisdom and experienced. Stuffed all that learning in a shorter time period than me. We always wonder about immortality don’t we? Well here I am, staring at him and wondering if he notices that I have not aged?

Isn’t it strange?

I have not aged. Not like he has, does he notice?

Does he wonder?

Isn’t it strange to be able to observe his whole lifetime? To be able to observe his whole lifespan at least 3 if not 4 times?

All I can tell myself is to enjoy it. Laugh. Hold him. Love. Every moment beautiful. Even when he pukes all over my floor. Because one day he won’t do it anymore. 

But isn’t it strange? 5 years. It has been awhile hasn’t it? I have surely grown a bit, haven’t I? But in his eyes.....And when he is ten and he notices that I can still run, that I can run without him, what will he think? I can’t say this time has been short because I have felt every year. But when you are told ‘middle aged’ given a time period on which to now compare everything, how can the next 5 not feel too fast?

I wish she had never said it. I wish I had just had the discovery on my own. Just an,

Oh. I must slow. 

and none of this nagging worry, none of these pressing thoughts. Bah, I must be in a mood. 

[ssteezyy]

Ask the Vet: Dr. Kris Answers July’s Questions

Welcome to our regular “Ask the Vet With Dr. Kris” segment! Once a month, Dr. Kris answers as many of your questions as he can, and you can leave new questions for him in a comment.

Dr. Kristopher Chandroo is a veterinarian, scientist, photographer, animal welfare advocate, and creator of Stress to Success (STS): The Essential Guide to Medicating Your Feisty, Grumpy or Reluctant Cat.  Dr. Kris wants  your cats to be twenty years old. And counting! And he wants to provide medication and therapy to them in a way that respects the bond between cat and human.

Here are Dr. Kris’ answers to some of your questions asked in June. If your question didn’t get answered here, Dr. Kris will answer them on his own website in the future. Subscribe to his updates so you’ll be notified when the answers are published.

Cat pees on nearest wall or other object

Hi Dr Kris,

My 4 year old indoor/outdoor male cat (Hansel Von Whiskerheimer:) has developed a habit of backing up to the nearest wall or other object, looking me in the eye, and urinating with his tail up and a little butt wiggle. This behavior seems to always follow a request he has made that I have not attended to immediately. He will meow and if I don’t feed him or even just give him some attention, he walks over to me, stares right at me, and pees. There has only been one time when the urine has had the “cat marking smell”-otherwise it just smells like urine. Also, he only does this with me-not my husband, sister, or any of the cat sitters.

So far my theory is that he first developed this habit when he had a UTI in the winter and needed to go outside (he prefers to urinate outside) as soon as he felt the urge and it was his way of telling me to hurry up and let him out, but since then it has continued. He has had a urinalysis on multiple occasions and the vet can’t find anything medically wrong with him. This has been going on for over a year at this point. It’s not every day but usually just when I think he has stopped, he will do it again. I have added a couple more cats to my household, so I could see that being a trigger. I don’t want to be reinforcing the behavior by giving him food/treats/cat nip on demand, but I also don’t want my house to be covered in pee! before this particular behavior began, he would knock over as many things as he could if I did not meet his meow request immediately.

I thought that was annoying, but I would take a spilled cup of water or broken vase over a urine soaked yoga mat any day. Do you have any ideas for behavior modification? I just started giving him extra attention all the time since he now has other cats to compete with, but other than that, I really am at a loss. Thanks!

Hansel Von Whiskerheimer!

Ha! Love the name!

Take a video of the Von Whiskerheimer (with that name, you know he loves to be in front of the camera!).

Show it to your vet.

I can’t tell you how many times a video has revealed what words and urinalysis could not! Your first task is in fact to confirm if this is marking behaviour.

If so, they can provide you with some steps from there to resolve the soggy yoga mat.

Good luck

Dr. Kris

Treating hyperthyroidism with homeopathy

What are your thoughts about treating cats with homeopathy?

My rescue cat has most recently been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. I am trying a remedy, but thinking I will do the traditional meds. Also, he has tested positive for exposure to the Corona virus, originally the vet thought he definitely had FIP, but now she doesn’t. Can you please comment on the Corona virus? It is my understanding that many are exposed, but in only a few does it mutate into FIP.

Hi!

Someone who is considering homeopathy is someone who is thinking about their cat.

Someone who is thinking about their cat is someone who will treat their cat.

Someone who will treat their cat will go through a process to see what works best for their cat.

So even though people debate homeopathy, I’m more interested in someone’s mindset. Where they are coming from, and what their cat means to them.

So, I won’t find fault in someone trying.

Putting in the effort.

That is pretty special, because many people don’t. I can guarantee you that, and their ain’t many guarantees in vet medicine.

If you want to use a non-conventional treatment for hyperthyroidism, it becomes simple. Find someone trained in homeopathy, try it, and re-test their blood in 4-6 weeks. If it’s working, you’ll know because their excessive thyroid level will start to normalize.

If you don’t see that happening in a convincing way, switch gears. Quickly. Because untreated hyperthyroidism damages many organs in the body, and some of us believe that in fact it’s a source of kidney damage.

Dr. Kris

Resident cat is upset at new kitten

We received a new 11 week old kitten. My 2 1/2 year old cat hissed at him and seems upset. What can I do to unite them?

Your 2.5 year old was living the life of a millennial. Finished school late, tonnes of debt, so he moved back home. Part-time job.

But…he’s more socially conscious, more likely to become an entrepreneur, makes purchases with his smartphone, and stays updated with brands through social networks. He would suffer more from losing a phone than losing a car.

Your kitten is a big ol’ baby boomer. He is dramatic social change on four paws. Counterculture.

He values individual identity over group think.

When you stick a baby boomer and a millennial together really quickly, and say make something great happen, what you hope for is Hathaway and Deniro in “The Intern”.

But sometimes instead, you get Hathaway and Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada”.

Watch those movies!

See, it can take weeks or months for relationships to form, and it’s complicated.

Separate them after the conflict.

Give them a chance to get to know each other on their terms.

Make sure they don’t compete over anything.

Take it slow. Their time. Not our time.

It’s an old formula Hollywood knows well!

Dr. Kris

Gabapentin for arthritis pain

Dr Kris, my 9 year old cat is already on prednisone twice a day for arthritis in the rear spine/hips/legs but was still limping so the vet gave me Gabapentin to give to her, in liquid form, 1.5ml twice a day. She had no side effects but I had trouble giving her the liquid form so I asked for it in pill form. She was prescribed 50mg twice a day but all anyone had was the capsule form that I could not cut in half. After speaking to the vet about it, She just increased the dose, in capsule form to 100mg every 12 hrs. Her first dose she got that drunken sailor syndrome, balance was off, she couldn’t walk straight. Is this normal until a few doses? I’m wondering if that dose is too high for her starting off. Several blogs I read only had cats on doses of no higher than 50mg a day! My vet had increased her prednisone to twice a day since she was still limping and added Gabapetin saying sometimes you have to initially hit them hard in the beginning with higher doses then wean them back. Need some advice, I think the dose is too high, but I’m not a Dr. Thanks

100mg is the sedation dose I use with specific cats in specific circumstances.

It will make some cats sleepy, wobbly, and less emotionally reactive (which is the goal in that situation).

I use it when life is really rough for a cat, whose fear, stress or anxiety needs to be managed before they come see me in a vet hospital setting.

If I’m using Gabapentin for arthritis, I’m going to start low, then increase it until the kitty feels better. If the patient gets drowsy, I might tolerate that temporarily, but I don’t want a drunken sailor 7 days a week. Since I’ve never seen your cat, I don’t know what low is relative to what your cat is dealing with. But 100mg is my sedation dose.

There are alternatives to prednisolone and gabapentin, but myself (and anyone else) would need to know a lot more about your cat (hands-on) and the specific rationale for the choices so far before recommending anything else. It really is that individualistic, and what works for some really doesn’t work at all for others.

I know I keep saying this but I will create an “arthritis masterclass” for cats. It’s just squeezing the time to make it happen. But it’s on the list. If people want this, fill the comments with what specifically you would like to see in it.

Dr. Kris

Feeling guilty about not being able to afford care for a sick cat

I have a male cat that I gave a home off the street for about 14-15 years. He has elevated liver and kidney enzymes as well as too many white blood cells. There is no money available to give him an ultrasound and whatever treatment he may need which probably won’t help. Now all I have to do is wait and he is still eating and functioning except that he no longer sleeps with and stays on my bed as he always did. I feel guilty even though I prevented him from having a life on the street where he wouldn’t have lived this long.

Don’t feel guilty.

It sounds like from your description that he is really ill.

There might not be anything you can do about that.

But let’s talk about this:

“And whatever treatment he may need which probably won’t help…”

Say no to that.

You don’t need that way of thinking.

Your cat doesn’t need that way of thinking.

Maybe it’s true, that treatment won’t help at all.

But so what.

You don’t know until you try.

It’s never the outcome, because none of us get out of this game alive.

It’s the journey. Your choices when life got rough.

And trying does not have to mean an ultrasound, expensive or complicated – you need a team of people that understands that.

That understands that when you take a cat off the street, give it a home for 15 years, they deserve something.

And you deserve the feeling that comes when you try.

We had a saying back in school. When you have a very sick cat, who is trying to survive, you can always try to give them X. You want to try and give them X before you euthanize them if people want to try. Because sometimes it works.

Your vet should know what X is.

Dr. Kris

Cat with diarrhea

I have a four year old that was sick with diarrhea a few months ago. Now still a little wet giving probiotics every day much better but not normal Like before .could this be stress?

It can be stress plus: http://ift.tt/2wvwTg4

Needy tortie is screaming all the time

Hi Dr. Kris,

I have a very sweet 8 year old Tortie. We rescued her from my Mom 4 years ago. I love her to death but she is so needy. I understand she wants to be fed a 1/2 hour to an hour beforehand but she will not drink from her water bowl unless we show her there is water in there and she is not getting it from the faucet. She does not like watching her drinking but I tell her I am not leaving till she drinks it. You would think after 6 years she knows the drill. She screams all the time and makes me feel like I am not a good pet parent. Her daddy screams at her back. I tell him she is female you cannot win an argument with her. I am afraid her screaming is going to get us kicked out of are apartment well it has not for 4 years. What to do?

“I tell him she is female you cannot win an argument with her.”

Best line of the day!

Seriously though, there is much to unpack in your question, and many questions that I would have to ask to figure it out. I would want to know the floor plan of your home, feeding times, feeding stations, number of scratching posts and other entertaining things that your cat might have.

It can get really detailed and specific, but also really solvable at the same time.

Best thing to do?

I’m serious.

Counseling.

Mikel Delago does it, check her out here: http://ift.tt/2vE85lA

Do you have a question for Dr. Kris? Leave it in a comment and he’ll answer it next month!

The post Ask the Vet: Dr. Kris Answers July’s Questions appeared first on The Conscious Cat.

[welcometothekreepshow]

Their pain is ours

As most of you know, I recently switched shifts from a day to overnight in a 24 hour hospital as an Emergency Veterinarian. I absolutely LOVE this aspect/side of vet med, and I wouldn’t (and don’t) want to do anything else… ever (like every other vet, I am a type-A overachieving work-a-colic). However, there are moments when I am hit with the reality of what my job REALLY is, and I wanted to take a moment and share with everyone my experience, especially in light of the recent media regarding vet med. I walked into work this evening at 5:45pm ready for my overnight shift, and felt like I was walking into a room of chaos. I took a moment just to evaluate my surroundings and see where I could jump in and help. What I realized was: 1) there was nothing for me to do, and 2) the hospital at that moment was the reality of vet med. *I would like everyone now to really try and picture what I am about to describe. For my vet friends, this won’t seem out of the ordinary… in fact, this is probably every day. For those that are not vets, it will give you insight into what YOUR vet REALLY does… it is not all happy healthy puppies and kittens… actually… it is UNCOMMONLY puppies and kittens…* Sitting in the back on one of the treatment tables was a cardboard coffin with a 5 month old puppy in it, waiting to be picked up by it’s owner. This puppy had passed away during a neuter. Come to find out during surgery, that the puppy had several congenital abnormalities that were hidden from pre-op bloodwork and physical exam (every precaution to make sure anesthesia and surgery is as safe as possible), and only discovered during surgery, causing the puppy not to wake up after anesthesia. Any veterinarian will tell you that a neuter is one of the simplest surgeries that we do. We could do it in our sleep. However, unseen complications happen, and there is nothing that anyone could have done to prevent this from happening. This was an unhealthy puppy that was not going to live a long and happy life, it would have gotten very sick and died at a very young age. However, the veterinarian that performed the surgery was devastated. This was the first time this had ever happened to this veterinarian in 5 years of practice… 5 years and countless surgeries. Put yourself in this vet’s shoes for a moment: You just lost someone’s baby under anesthesia for a surgery that YOU recommended. Colleagues and even your own head tell you - This was not my fault. There was nothing that I, or anyone could have done. This happens to everyone. But your heart only feels pain and guilt and anguish for a life lost and your failure, and an inability to serve the purpose that you were put on this Earth to do: HEAL. Now comes the hard part (I know, like everything else isn’t hard enough!). You now have to get on the phone and call the owner of that puppy and tell them what happened. You get to break the news to mom, dad, and their son (the person the puppy was bought for) that their best friend is gone. You get to tell someone who is excited about playing fetch and running around in the yard, you get to tell them, I am so sorry, but your dog is dead. It puts a knot in your stomach and chest that nothing else can. It makes you sick and hurt to the deepest part of your soul. You hurt for the owners, for the puppy. You hurt because you caused PAIN. In this same moment there is a dog and owner in a room with another doctor. This dog has been unwilling to eat and unable to keep anything down for the past WEEK… and oh yea, the dog ate a cactus a little over a week ago. The poor dog is so sick and painful it won’t let the doctor feel it’s belly. Xrays were taken and revealed three cactus needles stabbing through the dog’s small intestines causing a perforating foreign body. the doctor explained to the owner that the only way to even give the dog a chance to live is emergency surgery and gave an estimate for the $1500 surgery and a 50/50 prognosis. The owner’s response? Anger. Saying things to the veterinarian like: How could she be so cold and insensitive? She only wants money. If she REALLY cared about the dog, she would do the surgery for free. But no, she doesn’t care and is a terrible, cold hearted, unfeeling, horrid person who is MAKING her kill her dog when the dog COULD be saved if she would just stop being such a money grubbing Scrooge. I ask again, put yourself in the vet’s shoes. You have a dog that you know for the past WEEK has sat at home, starving, in pain, with a fever, feeling horrible and puking its guts up as three needles stab through it’s intestines. And what did the owner do? nothing. You know the dog is suffering, but you can potentially help and save it’s life! But what will the owner let you do? nothing. You know that had the owner brought the dog in right after it ate the cactus you could have used the scope and gotten the needles out for about $400. But they waited A WEEK. And according to the owner, this is all your fault. Her dog is going to die because of you. Talk about feeling powerless! You can’t even defend yourself! Your response. “I know this is a difficult situation, and I am so sorry.” But at the end of it all, you are the one that has to inject in the hot pink euthanasia juice knowing you have the skills and abilities to save this dog’s life, and instead, you must end it. The final scenario that was occurring was an older dog that suddenly started limping on one of his legs. The owners thought, oh he must have arthritis, we will take him in and get some meds and he will be fine. The vet had already taken xrays before I got there and saw the bone cancer that was covering this dog’s humerus. Again, put yourself in the doctor’s position. You now have to tell someone that their best friend of 10+ years has cancer. The big C. Their options are either 1) amputate the limb, 2) very short term pain management (days) or 3) euthanize right now. You have to shatter their world and make people cry. You cannot offer any relief aside from euthanasia, which is no relief at all for the family. You get to be the bringer of bad news. All of this occurred at 5:45pm… AFTER an entire day that started at 8am, with even more cases similar to these. This was one 15 minute section of time in a 10 hour long work day. No wonder veterinary medicine suffers from the highest suicide rate and highest addiction rate of any other profession. No wonder all veterinarians at some point suffer from what is called “compassion fatigue”. Unfortunately, the majority of people do not understand this about our profession. I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me, “oh you must LOVE your job! You get to play with puppies and kittens all day! Though, I bet it is hard when you occasionally have to euthanize something.” I just nod, and smile. What they don’t know is that I am thinking - yes, it is very hard. Those THREE patients I euthanized in the past 30 minutes were very hard (which happened on my overnight shift tonight). I appreciate you if you made it this far!! All I am trying to do is help people to realize what the reality of vet med is… and what it is not. We are NOT in it for the money. We recommend tests and vaccines because we had 8 years of schooling that taught us what was best for your pet. We are overworked, emotionally drained, compassion fatigued, under appreciated/respected, and SEVERELY underpaid for what we do (because no amount of money is worth what we go through on a daily basis, *and side note, average salary for a veterinarian is $45,000/year and average student loan debt is over $150,000 :)* ). Yet, we wake up every morning and devote our life to your pets. We love them as if they are our own, we cry over them when they don’t make it, we work long hours and stay late working and reading to learn and try to figure out why your pet is sick. We talk to them like they are people and love them even when they try to bite us. We deliver pain, hurt, bad news, and encounter countless situations that we have no control over throughout our entire day. Our reward is internal… it is knowing that at the end of every day we have done everything that we can to the very best of our abilities for every patient we have touched, even if that means ending their suffering.