#and here I thought we didn’t get blackout amnesia anymore

[lorelei-system]

I hate getting out of the shower like, “did we wash our hair?” I have no way of knowing. I just hope that whoever fronted for like 2 minutes just continued our shower routine.

-Poppy

[a41-i-finally-caved]

Random thought, but I feel you will get why I'm asking... Malcolm and Dissociative Identity Disorder? Could this Malcolm we were introduced to & the other characters seem to notice is 'off' be... a different Malcolm? Maybe the way her hallucinates are different personalities that just so happen to be real people?

RANDOM THOUGHTS FUCK YEAH!

Oooh ok that’s a thought...

[Note: Layman’s experience here, just what I could research. If anyone’s got better intel, by all means share! Nicely, please, shouting scares me :) ]

So according to WebMD

The DSM-5 provides the following criteria to diagnose dissociative identity disorder:

Two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self.

Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events.

The person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder.

The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.

The symptoms cannot be due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex partial seizures).

So, my hesitation with this would actually be the amnesia...(ironic for Mr. Repressed Memories, I know) Malcolm didn’t seem to have issue with recalling what happened with Endicott, other then, oh holy shit this is traumatic. (Ainsley on the other hand...)

But Malcolm does check a lot of these boxes, plus he’s got heaps of reoccurring childhood trauma which is a common factor. It’s certainly possible, if the show chooses to go that way. Then again, Malcolm’s sense of self already gets a little shifty when he’s getting into the mind of a killer, and his trauma and PTSD probably don’t help with presenting a...stable front? In terms of personality. (But then again, sex dungeon scene)

I think the big question here comes down to: what’s up with Creepy-Smile-Malcolm? Is he in fact another personality state that pops out when Malcolm just can’t anymore? Or is he just a representation of Malcolm’s fears and emotions venting out when he represses too hard? We haven’t seen Dark!Malcolm anywhere besides a reflection yet...and oh! the symbolism there, of Malcolm looking at himself (looking for himself) and finding only what he fears. I love :)

So, I think the answer here is: we just don’t have enough information with season 2 Malcolm to say :/ But! It’s definitely something I will keep an eye out for, and even if it’s never explored in canon, well...

That’s what fanfic’s for :)

[narrysgolden]

I can’t for the life of me find if I posted chapter 1 on this blog but it’s on my second blog so excuse. Here finally after like more than a year I have chapter 2 of the amnesia fic! Apologies that it’s short (I wrote most of it a year ago) and I know nothing about the medical field. P.s. I’m not a writer so sorry if my grammar sucks 😂

Over Again - Chapter 2

Chapter 1

HARRY

Beep………..beep…………beep………

As a fluttered my eyes open to a distant beeping, I gasped in instant panic only to realize I had tubes assisting my breathing and wires tangled up all across me. My heart rate rose dramatically and I failed at trying to sit up and look around. Everything hurt. Everything was in a daze. My hearing was muffled and vision was blurry, although I could make out two familiar figures to my left.

“Mr Styles”, the voice rang through my head. “You were in a car accident. You’ve been in the ICU at St Thomas’ since last night.”

It all felt like a dream, or really a nightmare. The harsh fluorescent lighting, the overlaying sounds of machines and faint chaos in the background. The unfamiliar man who just spoke words of disbelief. The women on the right who I could finally make out were my Mum and Gemma. I attempted to call out for them, but nothing came out. I couldn’t speak. Was I really dying? Is this my crossover into the unknown? The light just seemed to get brighter and my disorientation was strong.

Suddenly, I seemed to snap out of it, and all I could think about was one thing.

“Where’s Niall?” I finally managed to croak out of my desert dry throat.

The look on everyone’s face was a mix of relief, confusion, and worry as they all turned to look towards the corner of the room. A vaguely familiar boy stepped out from the shadows timidly. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something was just different about him. His face? His hair? His arms? Chest?

“Baby…” I spoke softly with a slight question in tone.

All of a sudden Niall’s face dropped. He turned white as a ghost, stopped in his tracks, and bolted for the door. Okay this was definitely a dream. Why was Niall acting so weird? Why did he look so off? I looked around best I could, studied this foreign body that was seemingly mine, all stitched, strapped, and wired up. My left leg was in a cast, slung up so it hung above the bed a little. My chest was wrapped up tightly, feeling like it was contributing to my loss of breath. And I could feel gauze shifting along my forehead as I moved my eyes around the room.

The room started spinning as my heartrate picked up again, feeling uneasy and only wanting Niall to come hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay.

“I feel sick” I mumbled, closing my eyes and leaning back into the stiff hospital pillow.

“Go check on Niall, I’ll watch over him.” I heard my Mum say to Gemma.

NIALL

I sped down the hospital corridor until I reached a dead end emergency exit, threw myself against the wall, and sunk to the floor. Curling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around tightly, I took in one deep breath after another in an attempt to stop hyperventilating.

It was all too much. Just seeing Harry for the first time in years was enough, the fact that he could’ve been on his deathbed was another thing, but for him to say those words, as if nothing had ever happened between them, was on another level of cruel. I was finally moved on with my life, happy for once, so I thought.

I lifted my head just enough to noticed Gemma coming down the hall in a rush to see if I was alright. “Oh Niall, come here”, she said, kneeling down to put her arms around me comfortingly. “Are you alright? You gave us all a right scare in there.”

“Did you not hear him Gem? What does he think he’s doing? Asking for me immediately, calling me…..that….. He’s insane!”

“Niall, honey, he was just in a major accident, head trauma and all that. It’s not too far off for him to be missing you in a situation like this.” She spoke softly, trying to reassure me it meant nothing, but we both knew that wasn’t the case.

“Do you think….” My voice trailed off as the worst possible scenario….was it really the worst? Potentially, yeah, the worst possible scenario flooded through my mind. Was Harry experiencing some sort of amnesia and thinking that we were still together? There’s no way…

I could see Gemma was reading my face and beginning to pick up on my theory. “The doctor did say temporary amnesia was common is head trauma patients.”

After another 15 minutes of sitting in the cold dim hallway in contemplation, Anne poked her head out the doorframe and motioned for us to make our way back to the room. Gemma turned to look at me with an unspoken “are you gonna be okay?”. I nodded softly and pushed myself up off the floor as if I was using the last bit of energy I had saved up. We made our way back to the room to find Harry was drifting off to sleep.

The doctor pulled all three of us aside and brought his voice down low to make sure Harry couldn’t hear. Anne and the doctor lookd back and forth at each other as if they were reading each others minds before looking back to me and Gemma.

“So, Harry believes that it is 2015. Signaling to use that he is experiencing amnesia with this head trauma of his. Now, because this is a full 3 year gap in memory, we don’t take this lightly. With amnesia patients we have to take things slowly in order to not overwhelm them and confuse them more. We don’t want any more stress on the boy than he already has. For the time being, go along with what he thinks, what he has to say, to an extent of course. We must bring him around slowly when he is in a stable place of healing.”

Yep I was right. 2015. Harry thinks we are still together. Harry thinks that One Direction is still together…. Oh God, his hair. MY hair. Does he even know he lives part time in LA now? And all his new tattoos. I don’t even know what he’s got inked all over his body anymore.

Not even seconds after the doctor finished speaking, a tall blonde woman ran into the room yelling “Where is he? Is he okay?”

Camille. Shit.

Anne grabbed her immediately and spun her around back out of the room, hopefully explaining in detail about Harry’s condition and how he probably doesn’t know who she is. Yikes. Thank god Harry was asleep when she barged in.

As Anne was taking care of the girlfriend situation, I turned back to Harry. He seemed so small in that hospital bed. Almost unrecognizable with the mounds of gauze, tangles of wires, and rough red patches all over his bruised skin. I got tunnel vision again, only being able to lock my eyes on him, sleeping not so soundly in the sterile room.

I walked over to him quietly, trying not to disturb him too much. Sitting down in the chair next to the bed, I studied his features, ones that seemed to be unfamiliar to me. His curly brown locks, now short and matted down underneath his bandage, still looked soft and as beautiful as I remembered. He was now growing facial hair, something I hadn’t pictured Harry with before, although it suited the chiseled features of his face better than expected. I noticed some scribbled ink on his unbandaged knee, but was unable to make out the word.

Harry started to make mumbled sounds in his sleep, his arm twitching and body moving as if he were stuck in a nightmare. Without thinking, my instincts reached my hand out to touch his, noticing black chipped polish adorning his delicate fingernails. I rubbed circles on the back of his hand with my thumb in an attempt to soothe his terrified mind.

“Harry” I spoke softly. He was still tossing and turning, strain seen on his face, getting antsier by the second. I needed to get him out of his own head. My heart raced with every moment that went by, more concerned than I was before. I grabbed his shoulder carefully, speaking to him more directly now. “Harry. Harry, look at me.”

His eyes darted open with a gasp, tears stinging his under eyes as he looked at me with so much pain on his face.

“It’s okay, I’m here.”

HARRY

I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew I was crying. And to open my eyes and see Niall inches in front of me, calloused hand on my shoulder, telling me it’s going to be alright, had me crying that much more. All I wanted was to give him the biggest hug of my life, but I couldn’t move, not enough.

He could tell that I was freaking out and continued to console me until my breathing regulated, my eyes dried up, and a smile actually crept on my face.

It was almost 4pm now. My Mum had disappeared at one point, Gemma saying she had to run home for a bit. Gemma did the same about an hour ago, so it was just Niall and I now. Niall sat to my left, scrolling through his phone, looking frustrated at messages he was receiving, hoping they would stop.

“Everything alright babe?” I asked. His face scrunched up as if in pain and he took a deep breath before looking up to me. “Yeah, fine.”

I laid my head back on the bed, thoughts spinning through my head, still trying to wrap my head around this accident I had no memory of. I looked down to where the IV was placed delicately in the crook of my arm, surrounded by familiar ink. The heart on my bicep, the holy bible on my forearm, the dainty A, and....what does that say....latelate? Why don’t I remember that being there? When did I get that?

I tried to reach over with my right hand to graze across the unfamiliar ink, but couldn’t reach from being practically tied to the bed with so many wires.

Niall noticed my struggle. “What’s up?” He looked to me quizzically.

“.....Late Late?” I whispered out. I could tell he could see the confusion on my face. And with my response, equal confusion appeared on Niall’s.

It took him a second to form his thoughts before busting out a laugh that seemed a little off. “You don’t remember that bet you lost with James? Serves you right you were piss drunk.”

That still didn’t really make sense to me. Even being blackout drunk, surely I would’ve remembered someone telling me the story the next day. But I didn’t have the brain power to question it any further. “Oh, ha, yeah right” I half heartedly chuckled before closing my eyes and sighing.

With every ounce of me wanting nothing more than for this all to be over and get back to my life, my life is all I could think about. Oh god the band. Do they know about my accident? I should call them, no, I’m sure Niall did. FUCK we have so much promo to do. We JUST released drag me down. Who knows when the hell I’m even getting out of this hospital room. And tour....shit. I know we talked about not having a tour this time but....now that’s really not happening. The absolute stress this is going to put on everyone....

I must’ve looked distressed as I feel Niall’s warm hand reach over to my shoulder, rubbing in soothing circles. “Hey” he spoke softly, “we’ll figure it all out”. Niall could always read my mind. No matter what it was, we were on the same wavelength. I cracked open my eyes again to see the blon...brunette? boy staring up at me, another thing my damaged brain couldn’t wrap my head around.

I reached my still constrained arm up to grab the dark locks. Niall instinctively leaned in to close the distance. My cool, stiff fingers fell into the chocolate locks that felt soft and clean, not dry and broken like it used to. “Your hair...” I whispered.

Niall pulled my hand down, kissed it softly and shook his head with chuckle. “Go back to sleep, Harry.”

[fablesrose]

Of Kings and Shadows XIX

Description: Y/n, a girl who seems to have found her calling. Being a SHIELD agent is like a dream come true. With a friendship starting to form with the Avengers, she’s the Queen of the world! What could go wrong?

Pairings: Avengers x reader, Loki x reader (eventually)

Notes: On Wattpad –> Here

Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH2w6Oxx0kQ (Theme music)

And just like that, I watched what little was left of my life unravel, bit by bit.

At least, that's what I would say if I was graced with a mirror, but alas 'twas not so.

I started to think that I was unconscious more often than awake anymore. That's not to say that my body was unconscious, no. I started to feel this dark presence in my brain. It was always stronger when I woke up, so the only conclusion that I can come to is that it's the one in control while I'm not. The other scary thought is that it doesn't feel new like it's been in my head for far longer than it's been controlling. Maybe it's all of those intrusive thoughts, bringing out the worst in me all bundled up into an artificial intelligence type thing that I used to call Noxy. Maybe it's still her just amplified.

At first, I wondered if it was amnesia. Or maybe it was brainwashing. I've seen the files, they've done it before. But then I started to notice that Jaz always knew when I was awake. Maybe she just acted like that all the time despite the blackouts, but then I asked her about it. She said I moved differently, spoke a little funny. She said I wasn't quite me. I mean, I don't have first-hand experience in brainwashing or amnesia, but I'm pretty sure they don't change behaviors in-between splotches of memory blanks.

All I knew is there was nothing I could do about it. The harder I tried to grasp onto some bit of control, the faster the situation turned to smoke and slipped through my fingers.

Jasmine kept telling me that they would escort me out of the cell, but by the time I woke up, I was back in the presence of Jaz with no recollection of the meetings outside the room went like. The only trips that I could remember anymore were the times I was thrown into the lightroom. The times where I didn't want to remember, were the only times I could remember, and it was so frustrating. The light itself only brought exhaustion now. Henry noticed and he 'upgraded' the torture chamber. Now it administered shocks of electricity to increase the agony. I guess there was an upside in which I was never awake for the whole experience. I would blackout at some point and wake up what I'm assuming was a couple of days later.

I told myself I was going to fight through this. I was going to make it. But how do you fight against yourself? Suddenly those pills didn't look half bad. The only problem was that I wasn't awake enough to collect them. Jaz needed all the pain meds she could get, and I'm sure Noxy took the pills as quickly as they came, or even sent them back.

I decided I was going to make the most of what little time I had left. My sanity was slipping. My options were either to become as numb as my body; cry and scream, letting them win; or, I could sing. I could cherish what little time I had left. I could rebel against them in the only way I was able.

So any chance I got I would sing, and I'd laugh, and I'd smile.

"Hey, Jaz."

She looked over at me from examining the tips of her hair, "Hmm?"

"Do you know the song Get It On by T.Rex?" I couldn't help my mouth twitching up into a smile.

She scrunched up her face, "Yeah. Yeah, I do." She opened her eyes just to clarify, "Only the first verse and the chorus though."

I nodded at her, "same here."

"Well, you're dirty and sweet." I started singing, seeing if she would join in.

She left a pause, but eventually sang the next line, "Clad in black don't look back and I love you."

"You're dirty and sweet, oh yeah," I sang, laying the charm on thick.

"Well you're slim and you're weak." We both started giggling.

I had a hard time getting through the next line, "You've got the teeth of the hydra upon you."

There was quite a long pause where we were crying laughing. The irony was just too much to handle.

"You're dirty sweet and you're  my girl."

We sang the chorus together, "GET IT ON! BANG A GONG! GET IT ON!"

Neither of us could get through the rest of the song, mostly because we didn't know the rest, but maybe a little bit from the laughing fit we just couldn't stop.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVEhDrJzM8E

One song I had stuck in my head for so long that Jaz eventually learned all the words as well as me.

She even started singing it to me one night,

"You're leaving now It's in your eyes There's no disguising it It really comes as no surprise To find that you planned it all along.

"I see it now Becomes so clear Your insincerity And me all starry-eyed You'd think that I would have known by now."

It took me a little while to pull my head together. My eyes were drooping and looking at Jaz burned but despite that, I was able to continue the song after she took a breath.

"Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky This lie is over Lost, like the tears that used to tide me over."

Jaz picked up again and I let her smooth voice roll over me,

"One thing is sure That time will tell If you were wrong The brightest ring around the moon Will darken when I die."

I claimed this one stanza as my own and continued to sing it,

"Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky This lie is over Lost, like the tears that used to tide me over."

I could tell Jaz was having a rough night as her voice started to get thick.

"You're leaving now It's in your eyes There's no disguising it It really comes as no surprise To find that you planned it all along

"I see it now Becomes so clear Your insincerity And me all starry-eyed You'd think that I would have known by now."

I found myself finding it harder and harder to keep my eyes open, and my voice reflected it, becoming quieter.

"Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky This lie is over Lost, like the tears that used to tide me over."

Jaz, in turn, got quieter as well, but since she was on her side and facing me I could hear her loud and clear.

"You're on your own Inside your room,"

I had my eyes open enough to notice that she rolled over and it seemed like she was staring at the camera that was ever watching us.

"You're claiming victory You were just using me And there is no one you can use now."

I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer and felt myself drifting asleep as she sang the last lines.

"One thing is sure That time will tell."

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFZ3Qhn5dW8

That was the last time I saw Jasmine Okoro.

I woke up paralyzed. Stuck inside my own head. My body was moving of its own accord and no matter what I did I couldn't stop it. I finally got to really witness what I acted like when I wasn't awake. Strangely, I couldn't see everything either. It was like I had blinders on. I was looking through binoculars at what my hands were doing. I was sitting on my bed doing absolutely nothing. I could tell I was in a different room. The cots in my previous cell were bolted to the ground and the wall. This new room had only one bed, the one I was sitting on, and no evidence of there ever being a cot across from mine. The walls were perfectly white, the floor, perfectly smooth, at least, that's what I could tell without being able to control where my eyes were placed.

There was a dark cloud in my mind, surrounding me. When I stayed in the little corner of my head that I was shoved into, the fog was numbing, soft, but constricting. I tried to break out, move through it, but when I tried it became as strong and hard as a brick wall. No matter how hard I pounded on it, it didn't give. No matter how hard I screamed, there was silence.

So I sat there. And I thought. And I thought. And I cried with no tears.

I felt empty.

Occasionally Noxy would move around, and I now knew that I wasn't just forgetting. When she did move I took in as much of my surroundings as I would allow. She tenderly touched my inner elbow where I saw a new bruise. A black one. When her fingers brushed against it I could feel the pain shoot through the nerves and I flinched. But my body didn't.

A sense of dread overtook me. The wall came closer. I've seen the movies, read the files, heard the stories. This isn't gonna end well.

The door opened nearly silently, so much different than the room before. Noxy barely tilted my head to see who came in.

Henry walked in and sat on the bed next to me since there wasn't any other place to sit. Noxy scooted over to give him room and just looked at him. He examined my face for a long while, and I equally did so to him. What was he thinking? Did he know that I was still here? Or was he not happy with what I had become and was just going to get rid of me and start from scratch?

I couldn't tell.

After an agonizingly long time, he spoke, "If everything went according to plan..." He tilted his head a degree, "Mistress is either gone or locked away so far in that pretty little head of yours that she's never coming out. If you are still in there Mistress... you should be awake by now and I know you're listening."

It felt like he was staring right at me. Not my body or Noxy, but me. Y/n M/n L/n. It was unsettling.

"We tried something different with you. Others are content with their brainwashing and memory wipes, but not for me and not for you," he gently tapped the tip of my nose and I desperately wanted to recoil. "It's just sanding the paint and putting a new coat on. The previous color is still there, you just can't see it. With you, it's more like deciding to put a brick wall in front of the drywall. It's a lot harder to go back if instead of peeling paint, it's grouted in." He paused, still staring into my eyes before lightening up, "But anyway," he took hold of my hand and I felt my lips widen into a polite smile, "I just came to see how you were settling in, and it looks like it's nicely."

He let my hand fall as he stood up and walked back to the door, right as he was about to step out he looked back at me. No, back at her. "Congrats on becoming my Queen."

Then, out of nowhere, my mouth opened, but my voice didn't come out. It felt different. Sounded different. It sounded... better, stronger, darker, everything I'm sure Henry wanted me to be.

"Thank you for having me, my King."

[artificialqueens]

the broken hearts club [branjie] - pinkgrapefruit

A/N - im sorry i’ve been gone. <3

*

I need emotion, Novocaine, I need a numbing of my brain

I need somethin’ to take away the remains of your name

She rolls the ring between her fingers and wonders how it became the end of them when it should have been the beginning. The silver shines bright like it’s never been worn, no signs of wear and tear, no hint of tarnishing. It glows in a way that tells you it’s wearer has no tan line. Her’s is a solid strip of white. When her tears fall onto the diamond, she’s sure it cracks. Her heart does. Vanessa’s heart cracks every time.

And the way her blood rushes through the jagged-cut veins that sparkle rough like a diamond on a full moon sends a pounding to her head. Like a basketball on a concrete floor and the noise it makes could be footfalls or it could be breaking. In her defence, the world moves in slow motion now and she’s not sure if it’s moving at all. She’s numb from the brain down and it takes more time to fasten up her shoes than it does to remember her birthday but that’s how life is and sometimes you’ve got to pick your battles. She decides she doesn’t need groceries and instead purges their group calendar.

She tries to purge the group calendar just like she tries to cancel their wedding planner and she tries to send an email out to the invitees and remove the taster wedding cakes from their fridge and stop calling her flat theirs. She tries.

I need amnesia for a day and an umbrella for the rain

That hasn’t gone away since you said you didn’t need me

The first morning Vanessa feels up for a run, it’s raining and she curses fucking Brooke for this fucking rain because of course, the ice queen loved the rain. It rained the day she left and she’s damn sure it will always be raining when she thinks of her. Instead of a run, she takes the A train from Brooklyn to Central Park, desperate to find one piece of New York that isn’t tainted with memories of Blonde hair and the smell of lavender. Somehow they never ended up here so Vanessa spends her day sitting on a bench with an umbrella and a large coffee. Her sweater is pulled up over her chin and her sleeves, over most of her hands and she feels safer than she has in weeks.

When she gets home, she opens a bottle of wine and eats all the cake in the flat and calls it a success.

Lately been thinkin’ maybe

There’s a place we won’t feel so crazy

She deeps cleans the apartment after three and a half weeks. She is beyond desperate to remove the smell of Peonies and Hairspray that seems to have permeated her entire being, leaving her feeling surrounded and smothered. She vacuums behind the TV and washes the sofa cushions and cleans out all the cabinets. She puts all of her developed films of Brooke into an airtight box and takes it to her storage unit the next day along with two boxes of assorted knick-knacks and a suit that somehow ended up on her side of the closet. She sleeps easy that night, calmed by the frantic day and the scent of vanilla incense. She doesn’t dream. It’s a welcome change.

She converts Brooke’s side of the spare room into a proper darkroom, pinning up blackout curtains and carrying her big bath from college through the subway. She settles it in a corner and spends the next two days developing all the shots she’s been too preoccupied to do until the entire flat is dark and covered in tarp and she has to duck to make it from her bedroom to the kitchen. She drinks her coffee sat up on the counter and hears Brooke telling her to get down but she ignores the voice. The day is a win.

Been in a hazy mid-morning daydream

I found a shady spot that they saved me

She buys too much the first time she grocery shops for one and has to invite the Dreamgirls over to help eat it all. The next day she calls Yvie and she brings Scarlet over and they;re both still friends with Brooke and look uncomfortable the whole time until Vanessa tells them she won’t break if she hears her name or talks about weddings and they can finally tell about hoe Scarlet’s job photographing the Ballet Company is or how their wedding planning is going. She imparts the wisdom that an off-white dress will work better with Yvie’s skin tone and a blush tone will look warmer against Scarlet’s hair and that the lighting looks best cosy and that the flowers should be bought in bulk. She lets them know she’s just a phone call away and it almost feels like therapy except when they leave she feels crushingly alone.

She takes a bath with some muscle relaxer she found under the sink, a gift from one of Brooke’s dancer friends and sends thanks to the gods that New York garners enough money to pay their dancers well, feeling rich from the softness of her skin.

They said, “come be the newest member of the broken hearts club

We hate every little thing about the people that we love

She hates the way almond milk tastes, and how she will never be able to watch the nutcracker again and the way black and white films make your head hurt a little if you watch them for too long. She hates how the sheets are always cold and the bed is never made and how Brooke used to do it all but there’s no Brooke anymore so she’s going to have to learn how to fold a fitted sheet all on her own. She hates how she still find white cat hairs on her black clothes and black cat hairs on her white clothes and blonde hair in her shower drain two months later when it gets blocked.

She hates how her Spotify still recommends her opera and how Netflix remembers Brooke’s love of true crime, even though some of the thumbnails scare the shit out of Vanessa. She hates how she booked the time off work to plan wedding stuff and somehow the entire freelance photography world seems to know because even though Vanessa is well known and well regarded, she cannot seem to get a gig anywhere and can’t even resort to weddings because she’s too scared she’ll end up crying into her camera.

She hates how she feels when she passes the subway stop for the New York Ballet and how she feels when she sees a blonde updo in a crowd and she hates how she feels.

And she hates that she still loves her.

She hates it.

We’re the let-down, we’re the lied-to, where the lost go and it finds you

Where the lonely make the lonely feel less lonely, and we’re dyin’ to

Invite you to stay, and take away the pain

‘Cause misery loves company, so hey, what do you say?”

She manages to feel lost in her own home sometimes and it’s an eerie feeling that only changes over time as she allows her space to open up and become shared again. She buys a cactus in the first step towards healing and talks to it intermittently. Soon she has an apiary on her fire escape, filled with potted plants and fairy lights and it’s a little escape from how claustrophobic the flat can feel.

She joins a running club and rediscovers the routes she and Brooke would run in the days when they were still fresh and young and felt like exploring. She still can’t touch their regular routes but she likes the older ones. She gets a coffee at their spot and the barista is new so they don’t look at her with a familiar face of pity. She starts to get bookings again, people coming to New York wanting a travel photographer to follow their adventures, young influencers wanting to feel like real celebrities and she gets paid more to take photos of some than she used to in entire years.

She knows she could move but she is tied to her place with heartstrings.

And at first, I wasn’t sure if there’s even a cure

For what I’m feelin’, 'cause what I’m feeling’s been feelin’ more and more absurd

Her therapist emails her on a Tuesday, suggests it’s been a while and she should come in for a chat. She blindly agrees and puts on her comfiest Yoga pants, knowing it’s going to be a long day. He suggests she should go see a show, watch her dance and make peace with the way her body moves and the way her mind has moved on and she blindly agrees to that too, too overwhelmed by the suggestion to really think. Her homework is to book it and she is scheduled in for the day after the performance.

She books the performance of Giselle with little thought, picking the best seats in the house like she always did. They are front and centre in an area usually reserved for friends and family but it must be a little thin on the ground that night because she can snag her familiar chair with ease. The amount it takes from her bank account should hurt but she’s realising more and more that maybe this is healing.

She buys a new dress for the occasion and sets it aside, knowing it will be the only thing untouched by Brooke. It’s a powerful feeling.

The repeating in my head of every last word that you said

Feels like ever since you left, you still won’t leave me

It’s a beautiful show and Brooke dances like she’s moving on air. She glides, ever jete a flying move. Her partnering is divine and for the first time, Vanessa isn’t jealous of the man that gets to hold her. It doesn’t feel like a victory when he lets go.

She feels every move Brooke makes, wants to say that the blue eyes are piercing into her but it isn’t true. Because Brooke dances for the back row, eyes cast far back and Vanessa is allowed the moment to fade away. She comes out of it feeling refreshed and free and skips down the steps lightly.

Her therapist tells her he’s proud and she feels it deep in her soul like a new fire. She hopes it will stay lit.

I guess if you can’t beat 'em, join 'em

That’s what they always say

Let’s go inside, let’s coincide

And I’ll commensurate

She lays in bed on a Wednesday morning and lets herself remember that night. She thinks about the way it felt to open the door to an empty foyer, to feel uprooted and upended, life on its back legs rearing blindly as she tried to hold on for dear life. She remembers it like one remembers their parent’s divorce, messily and full os blame and she hopes that Brooke will never do it to another person because at that moment she felt so lost.

She grounds herself, hands twisted in her duvet, head heavy on the pillow.

She gets up, makes a coffee and waters her plants.

She starts afresh.

Singin’, we’re the newest members of the broken hearts club

We still feel pretty lonely and we wish we didn’t, but

She stands on her fire escape at 4 am on a Thursday. Camera in hand she watches the world pass by as the sun rises, a golden glow reflecting off the highrises of the city she loves so dearly. Below her, on the street, she misses the flash of Blonde that jogs as the night fades. The shots she takes that morning sell for thousands. She calls then ‘Brooke Lynn’.

We’re the newest members of the broken hearts club

And we all kinda hate it, but it’s easier than love

[dreamsatdusk]

Chapter 21 and 22 Reread

Discussion welcome if you are so inclined!

If you don't want to see these reread posts showing up, blacklist this tag: Dreams reads Ninefox Gambit

This has been quite delayed, yes. Part of it has been lack of time and headspace, part because I find the initial memory very upsetting and there’s a lot of sad through all of them. 

Chapter 21

I have thoughts on the carrion bomb, but they deserve a spoiler post for other things.

Khiaz is grotesque and the only reason she’s not at the top of the hate list is because Kujen exists.

But as a Shuos, she was the heptarch’s property. There was no one she could appeal to.

There’s a lot of in-your-face atrocity in these books, but there’s at least as much that’s quiet and just as terrible.

I need to check this event against timeline. Jedao was just made brigadier-general. He already has a plan that involves planting the idea with Khiaz that he’s terrified of death, which is pointed to as motivation for Khiaz to agree to consign him to the black cradle. But that also implies he already knew about the black cradle at this point? Or did he only have ideas that were more vague and was hedging his bets?

She peeled back one glove and stared at the veins, and the scar across the base of her palm.

Given the context, I think this scar is from a prior suicide attempt.

People knew now that she wanted to sleep with another soldier, forbidden though it was.

Huh. I think I missed some of the implications here orignially. But now I think this bit isn’t about Khiaz directly, but her ratting him out by wearing that uniform and what she let everyone at the party think was going on.

Good on Gized for being angry and protective here, particularly in spite of the fact it’s treasonous in the heptarchate. It’s one of those little notes that, with the right prompt, more people could likely be recruited to the rebellion cause. But Jedao is so scared of having his plan exposed and feels so isolated, I’m not sure he lets himself see these things.

Fangmoths.

Fox-and-hunters - a board game or possibly card game.

The scene with Garit :| Jedao was both cognizant of the audience and trying to encourage the outcome where he was NOT told to move ahead with shooting through children and invalids. We see here both that the Lanterners were responsible for disgusting actions themselves and that the Kel protocol and anticipated heptarchate ‘public opinion’ see no issue with what Jedao is ordered to do. All that would have mattered would have been if there was ‘tactical difficulty’.

We also learn Jedao had always wanted children. There’s also some additional information of allowing only ‘the most glancing affairs’ and avoiding forming attachments.

He had a two day and sixteen hour blackout of memory.  Disassociation-based amnesia?  And it puts a lie to what he told Cheris about remembering every terrible thing he’d ever done.

Hellspin Fortress - Jedao can’t recognize the corpse that seems to be Gized. Given some things in NG and in HS, I have some suspicions why that is, when he does put names to others. Also, more disassociation here I think.

The Hellspin massacre was planned and not spur of the moment.  He’d planted ‘bombs and logic grenades’ during prior inspections in preparation.

The hint is there with his perspective on the Deuce of Gears on his Patterner 52 that signs of a ‘healthy ego’ he displays as expected by the Kel, may largely or entirely be a front.  The myth of General Shuos Jedao as they thought he was.

He was suicidal again here, in addition to being largely blank on the emotional front.  He ultimately didn’t kill himself because it would have meant the massacre was pointless.

Kujen must have arranged for the moth to put in at that station for repairs.  He’d noticed Jedao hacking into things.  And here we have confirmation Jedao had learned about Kujen and the fact he was immortal, but that he did not know HOW he was immortal.  He’s already a brigadier-general, so this is after the thing with Khiaz.  Hmm.

”If you wanted to backstab Khiaz, you should have stayed attached to her office.  I mean, from all reports she was very fond of you.” His smile widened when he said that.

Kujen is such utter garbage.

Kujen has realized numerous things: that Jedao wants to bring down the calendar/heptarchate, that he’s been looking for allies, and that he has dyscalculia.

”Nine hundred years ago I invented an allied branch of math to make the mothdrives possible.  No one else has successfully pulled of a major calendar shift.”

Jedao thinks of how Kujen came up with remembrances accompanied by ceremonial torture.  He realizes at this point that ‘torture had been a design parameter, not an unfortunate coincidence’.

Jedao was good at a lot of things in Academy, such as languages.

Kujen’s voice softened.  “You’ve been fighting alone for a long time, Jedao.  You never got close to anyone, no affairs that last longer than a couple of weeks. <snip> But I’m better than nothing at all.  We can do this together.  You won’t have to be alone anymore.”

Did I mention that Kujen is GARBAGE?  

”Just what is it that runs in your veins, Jedao?”

I think this is at the crux of a lot of stuff with Kujen in respect to Jedao.  He’s bored and fundamentally, he doesn’t GET Jedao.  I think it fascinates him on some level, while on another, he wants to make Jedao like himself.

Jedao makes a very hasty decision in this chapter, which I think is a combination of him thinking he can hopefully out maneuver Kujen, but also wanting to not be alone in this, because he IS in a very bad state mentally and prolonged isolation is not good, nevermind all of the other issues he’s struggling with mentally and emotionally.  It has made him vulnerable and I’m not sure he recognizes it at this stage.

Chapter 22

Hellspin was 3 years after meeting Kujen.

The Aughen ‘heretical faction’:  they fought honorably, made few demands, and mainly wanted to be left alone.  Some Kel even became sympathetic and some failed their formations.  ‘After every battle she ended up executing cowards and deserters’.  Jedao thinks of how formation instinct would have gotten more scrutiny if the Liozh were still around when it was brought up, but later, there were not qualms.

The Kel virtue had been loyalty.  Formation instinct deprived them of the chance to choose to be loyal.

He’d thought about going over to the Lanterners, but them using children as shields ended that plan.  He thinks also of the Liozh, who’d explored the idea of democracy, but wonders if Hellspin is actually what triggered that.

Jedao does recognize that the challenge was really: ‘Creating a functioning, stable, sane society from the heptarchate’s ashes.’

Cheris thinks Jedao provoked the attack from Kel Command because they realized he had someone who could handle high-level calendrical rebellion.  I think it was Kujen who was provoked.

Shuos - red cadet uniforms.

Ruo liked picking random fights, out of a ‘sense of adventure’.

There should be Jedao, Yeren, and Ruo fic.  

Yeren taught Jedao a lot of card tricks.  Also she is apparently a second year, while the other two are first years.

Jedao created a game where you scored points by maniuplating people into, for the most part, ‘small’ heresies. These include inverted flower arrangements, which despite being a small phrase suggests she really bad things about any creative expression in the heptarchate.  

The heptarchate’s laws were becoming more rigid as the regime became ever more dependent on the high calendar’s exotic technologies.

Even at 18, he recognized that.

Yeren’s very good at hacking.

Ruo liked fruit candies.

I think it’s notable that Jedao’s reaction to Ruo’s death was to immediately distance himself from it, even though as we can see shortly after, being known as the creator of the game didn’t actually get someone in trouble.  That wasn’t his motivation.  I think this ties back to numerous other things we see from him.

The scene with Sereset tells us that Ruo’s suicide was a catalyst to a plan to bring down the heptarchate. But that Jedao had originally planned to pick a track that made use of a gift for languages.

Jedao’s looked at the ‘numbers’ of heptarchate atrocities and really focused on them, not just blown them off as statistics: Her imagination wasn’t large enough to encompass the deaths, the cities unmade and the books smothered into platitudes, but that wasn’t any reason not to try.

”It wouldn’t be short and it wouldn’t be pretty and you’d end up as much a monster as they are, but maybe it would be worth it to tear the whole fucking structure down.”

HMM.  Okay, he knows the black cradle can lead to immortality here, but not how. Knows there needs to be a reason for the heptarchs to want to bring someone back over and over.

Because she had been weak; because she had wanted to talk.  She wouldn’t make that mistake again.

This is another very sad scene.  He didn’t want to be alone.  We see over and over in the books, in so many ways, he didn’t want to be alone.  That’s how Kujen got to him.  Because what shouldn’t have had to be perceived as a mistake was one, when it was made again with Kujen.

[5hfanfiction]

things only you know 1/2

Plot/summary (kind of, not really):

The heart remembers what the mind forgets is what they say, right? At least you hope so.

Otherwise known as your very typical and very cliché amnesia fic (two-shot).

this is my first time writing in second person and I honestly cannot gauge if it’s terrible so let me know how it is

  —

  You take a deep breath and close your eyes as you let the night breeze wash over you, the cool wind spilling over your skin as you look out into the sprawling metropolis before your tired eyes.

You haven’t slept much these last few nights, the reality that she’s coming back dawning closer and closer until it’s finally here, and your poor, wearied heart hasn’t stopped beating so erratically. Its rhythm getting lost with every memory that tries to fight its way through the seams of your mind.

The New York skyline has always been something that has given you the type of peace that you couldn’t ever fully understand if you tried. It’s why you chose your apartment (you try not to think about how you chose it with her), because the balcony gives you a breathtaking view that reminds you to ground yourself. Maybe it’s the way it makes you feel small, a reminder that a whole world goes on with or without your troubles. That everything is temporary.

You know just how fleeting everything actually can be.

She’s back. You’ve known it was coming for a while. Dinah and Normani are both your friends and you knew, despite your ardent pleas, that Dinah would never not invite her to the wedding, amnesia be damned. You’d reached a compromise with your best friend, however, and you’ve come to an agreement (not without Dinah trying her best to convince you otherwise) that she can invite Lauren as long as everyone keeps mum about your past with her.

It’s the hardest decision you’ve ever made. Deciding that you wouldn’t actively pursue Lauren, that you wouldn’t try to remind her that Hey, I’m Camila. We were very much in love before you jumped in front of a bullet for me and forgot all about me.

Her mother, Clara, had begrudgingly kept in contact with you in the past two years (twenty-five months and two weeks to be exact) if only to make sure you aren’t executing an elaborate plan from across the Atlantic of trying to remind Lauren of her past with you. Her mother had begged and cried and gone down a step from her self-righteousness for you to keep quiet and you couldn’t really do much but agree. Lauren doesn’t remember you. There’s no point. She does remember, however, her mother.

You know all about her relationship with her mom. They had been best friends, closer than any mother and daughter that you know until Lauren went off to college. Until Clara found out that Lauren had no intention of marrying her childhood best friend, who is conveniently the sole heir of one of the Jaureguis’ major partner companies. A marriage would have sealed the deal of the merger of the century. Lauren chose you over her inheritance. She chose you over her family. She chose you over her own mother. She chose you over and over and it tugged at your heart in the most agonizingly beautiful way.

Because as much as you saw the sincerity in her green eyes whenever she reassured you that she loved you more than anything else in the world, you also know how much it broke her heart to have such a strained relationship with her mother. She chose you, but you knew how much it hurt her.

And now, now is her chance for a new start with her mom and who are you to stand in the way when she doesn’t even remember you? You don’t have a claim on her anymore and that’s okay. You have to be okay with that. You know how much she wanted to repair her relationship with Clara and you’re finding it hard to take that chance away from her.

Especially now that she’s come back. Clara had told you that Lauren had spent the last few months trying to fill in the four-year gap in her memory and she’d convinced Clara to go back to New York in her pursuit of her old self.

The bullet that had been lodged in her brain had given her nothing but minor memory problems at first. The doctors had deemed it too dangerous to try to take the bullet out and they had been content in leaving it in Lauren’s brain. That was, however, until it led to increasingly persistent seizures and blackouts. You saw how her memory problems also became more and more severe. When her family found a neurosurgeon in London that was brave (crazy) enough to try the surgery, Clara didn’t hesitate to fly Lauren over and have the procedure done immediately.

You learned that the surgery was relatively successful. There were huge risks of paralysis, speech impairment, permanent brain damage, life-threatening seizures – the list went on and in the end, Lauren came out mostly unscathed. The only major consequence was losing her memory of recent years, specifically her last four years – or as better described, her time with you.

You tried to keep in touch while she was in London as much as you could but it wasn’t long before you found out about her memory loss. They told you the damage to her brain affected one type of memory the most, which means she remembers most things. Her implicit and procedural memory remain intact (she hasn’t forgotten how to drive) and the semantic part of her declarative memory is mostly unaffected (she can remember most general facts, like how the government is supposed to work). Her episodic memory, however, which is the type of memory that is in charge of personal facts, has been largely affected.

You didn’t believe it at first, convinced that it was one of Clara’s many attempts to keep you apart. But then she sent you video diaries and therapy sessions of Lauren and you watched in agony as the love of your life struggled to remember anything about her life in the last few years. You felt your heart crack in your ribs and you knew then that you’d lost her.

You met as sophomores in college and it took a couple months of stubborn back and forth before you both got your heads out of your asses and finally got together. You’ve been together since and moved into an apartment right after graduation, living a full year of domestic bliss before the rug was pulled out under your feet.

Your friends don’t know much about Lauren’s life in London, just that she lost her recent memory and doesn’t remember the last few years in the same way Lauren doesn’t know much about her old life in New York. She knows she has friends there and knows about Dinah, Normani, Zayn, Niall, and Liam because she grew up with them and their parents worked together in the same business circle, but Clara of course, had been less than willing to let her know about the people she’s met in college, namely you. She remembers them as her friends before college but doesn’t quite remember the experiences she had with them while in college. But you discover soon enough that Lauren took the chance to go back when she got the wedding invitation and found out that an old friend had invited her to their wedding. You learned that she wanted to take the opportunity to learn as much as she can from the years missing in her head.

When Clara asked you to not say anything to Lauren regarding your past relationship, you wanted to scream at her. Tell her that Lauren deserves the truth. That you wouldn’t be part of her scheme to keep her daughter in the dark. But then you saw pictures. Pictures of Lauren looking the happiest she’s ever been with her mom while they were in London and you can’t help but think that maybe this is the universe’s way of telling you that your time with Lauren wasn’t meant to be forever, that this is her chance at a re-do. That you had been nothing but a mistake.

So you let go. You figured you might as well get started on the whole process of moving on in case you might see her again. It’s two years later and you don’t think you’re anywhere near moving on but you figure that the universe hasn’t always been the kindest to you anyway. Giving you the best thing that has ever happened to you, only to take her away while leaving you with all the memories.

So you swallow hard and woman up. You can do this. You can face the love of your life who remembers nothing about you.

  —–

  You can’t do this.

You decide that the moment your feet touch the gravel path that leads up to the entrance of the private resort where Dinah and Normani’s wedding is going to take place as you get out of the cab that’s brought you here.

You’re in Oahu because it wouldn’t be a Norminah event if it wasn’t extravagant and not even the breathtaking scenery that surrounded you on your way to this resort has taken any sort of edge from your body at the thought of seeing her again. You’re going to actually see her and hear her voice and feel her presence after what seems like a lifetime and you don’t know if you could do it without your heart beating out of your chest or your breath leaving your lungs completely.

So you stand like a fool in front of the gigantic resort house while the employees patiently stand to the side, unsure of how they’re supposed to act. After welcoming you and taking your luggage to your room (because yes, you have your own room in this house slash mini-mansion), they’ve given up on trying to communicate with you when you couldn’t say anything intelligible beyond your name.

You take a deep breath and run a hand through your hair, silently praying that it’s not as bad as you think after that eleven-hour or so flight and make a move to open the door and actually let yourself in. You see the employees take a subtle breath of relief now that they’ve seen that you can, in fact, move on your own.

You enter the house and you’re greeted with an open foyer that’s brightly-lit by all the natural light being brought through by the glass walls that make up most of the place. Across from where you’re standing, you can see the other side of the house ends with a huge sliding door that opens to a wide outside porch, and beyond that, the beach is only a few yards away.

You take in the serenity around you and try to use it as much as you can to calm the nerves you can feel buzzing inside you, your heart beating thunderously in your chest, almost drowning out the voices you can hear floating from the where you assume the living area is. Where everyone – including her – is undoubtedly catching up on everything they’ve missed since graduation.

These are the people closest to your heart. You’ve built quite the formidable circle of friends through your college years, and even though you never thought for a second you’d actually make any real friends, much less meet the love of your life while studying bioengineering, you’re forever grateful you’d met them and at the same time regretful that you hadn’t made as much effort in the last couple years in keeping in touch.

You’re the last of your group to arrive because you had done your best in delaying the inevitable, citing work and a busy schedule in your attempt to spend as little time as possible being in the same island as Lauren.

And as you walk into the living room, you hear the talking die down for all of two seconds before the room erupts in obnoxious (you’re really actually quite endeared, but you won’t ever say that aloud) cheers and variations of Well nice of you to join us and Aye, Cabello in the house! And Damn girl, did your booty get even bigger?

You’re lost in a sea of hugs and I’ve missed you much before you’re enveloped in a familiar, bone-crushing hug after seeing a blur of wild, curly, blonde hair rush towards you and you can’t help but smile as you return the enthusiastic embrace of your best friend.

She’d been there for you more than anyone else you know in the last couple years and you don’t think you would have survived with your sanity (mostly) intact if it hadn’t been for Dinah. You see a much more graceful and composed Normani come up to you and wrap you in a hug that’s just as sincere and warm and you’re almost overwhelmed with emotions as you’re surrounded with the people you love most.

Then you see her and your world stops.

You’re sure it actually stops in the second it takes for your eyes to meet hers and it feels like the weight of the last two years is crashing down on your entire being.

Nothing – no preparation, no warning – could have made you ready in seeing her again, in seeing those green eyes focus on you across a room full of people as if there isn’t anyone else but the two of you.

You’re thankful Normani still has you in some sort of side-hug because you feel your knees giving way with every second that she has her eyes on you.

You almost want to laugh out loud at how you ever thought you could genuinely see her again without your heart pulling you right back into the past, right back into how she made you feel every day that you were lucky enough to be with her.

It’s instantaneous and mind-numbingly slow all at the same time. The way your breath catches in the back of your throat, how you feel the blood running through your veins thrum loudly to the beat of your erratic heart, your entire body attuning itself to no one and nothing else but her. Like it’s never known anything else but her.

She’s all-encompassing and the way she holds you captive is all-consuming and you don’t think you have a say in the way your heart jumps out of your chest, only to perch itself in the palm of her hands, making itself comfortable in the only place it recognizes as home.

It feels as if everything and nothing is the same. She doesn’t look different in the slightest bit - the way soft lashes flutter over the most mesmerizing pair of green eyes you’ve ever seen, plump lips that curve in soft smiles, high cheeks that tinge in the slightest shade of pink whenever you called her beautiful, and soft, wavy dark hair that frames her delicate features in the most captivating way – she looks like no time has passed and she very well could be returning from work and you’re waiting for her at home, having cooked her favorite dish because you know she probably ate little to nothing during lunch, too consumed with her work to eat anything.

Except everything has changed. It’s been two years of her not remembering you, not knowing that you were supposed to be in love. Not having a single clue of how much of a hold she still has over your heart. Not knowing that she’d promised you forever but now you’re left with nothing but memories instead.

It’s been two years of these memories – memories of how she woke you up with light kisses and bright green eyes, tender smiles and reverent touches. Memories of her dealing with every single breakdown you had in college. Memories of you and her cuddling all night and just talking about everything and nothing at all until the rays of the sunrise peeked through the blinds of your bedroom window. Memories of her making you pancakes at two in the morning for no other reason than you wanted some and she loves you. Loved you. Memories of her fighting for you.

Memories of her loving you.

You used to share all these memories with her, but now you’re left to carry all of it by yourself and each memory feels like a burden that’s been weighing down on your heart until it’s been crushed into nothing but shattered pieces and you really wish you could forget too.

You wish you could forget how her touch had the ability to calm you like sunshine after a rainy day. How her lips on your skin feel like tiny sparks that alight your nerves – your entire being – until it’s spread through your chest like wildfire. How her eyes could see through your smile and the façade you put up for everyone else. How she can read you like a book, know every word that makes up every part of your mind that you hadn’t even read yourself. How she used to know you like no one else before and now you’re not sure she’s even gotten the chance to learn your name yet.

Have they talked to you at all in the few days they’ve been here?

You find out the answer to your question when Dinah’s voice breaks your staring contest and it shatters through the moment like lightning flashing through the sky. You blink hard and fast and try your best not to get lost in those damned green eyes as you try to compose yourself, trying hard not to give too much thought about how she looked at you. How she stared at you with confusion marring her beautiful features yet at the same time, it was like she was figuring you out. Almost like she was curious. You tell yourself it’s your imagination playing tricks on your poor, hopeless romantic of a heart because hope is a luxury you can’t afford right now.

“And this is Camila,” Dinah’s voice brings you back to reality and her next words almost make your heart stop. You may need to see a doctor after this whole thing is over because your heart can only skip so many beats before it starts to just give up on you. “She was your best friend.”

Of course. You should have known Dinah wouldn’t completely let S.S. Camren go. She’d been instrumental in getting the two of you together when you and Lauren had been too stupid to do something about your feelings (see: it was mostly you that was stupid. You had genuinely convinced yourself that there was no way Lauren Jauregui, heir of the biggest global shipping company in the world, collegiate superstar of like a million different sports, and the same Lauren that has girls and guys constantly fawning over her, had any real interest in you, Camila Cabello, an essential nobody in your gigantic university).

Dinah was there to put you two together and you really should have expected that she wouldn’t go down without a fight. She’d sink with this ship long before she surrenders to something as trivial as amnesia. You shouldn’t have been so silly.

So here she is, smirking like the goddamn Cheshire Cat while you try to subtly glare at her for trying to exploit loopholes in your agreement, while you swallow hard and hope Lauren can’t see the way your pulse must be thrumming against your skin with how hard your heart is beating in your chest. You’re sure that your ribs are actually starting to bruise. It’s been 2.52 seconds of being in the same room as Lauren and you’re ready for the emergency room. You hope you can make it out of this wedding alive.

So they haven’t told Lauren that you used to be in love, but they’d settled with you being her “best friend” apparently, and knowing that Lauren had been in pursuit of trying to fill in her memory loss, you know you’re going to have to pretend to help Lauren remember her past without telling her your actual role in her life – or at least, what your role used to be. Because everything that has to do with you and Lauren is in the past. You have to remind yourself this fact, lest you do something you’re not prepared to face. At least it won’t be hard to explain why you and Lauren were always next to each other in all of your group photos – if she ever came across one. You were “best friends” after all.

“Camila,” your name falls from her lips with the same sweetness it used to and it knocks the air right out of your chest, rips the strength from your knees and you wonder if everything would be easier if you just succumbed to it all and passed out right there. “It’s nice to finally meet you,” her brows furrow in the most adorable way, and lightly chuckles through her next words. “Again. I’ve heard so much about you.”

You’re not sure if you want to strangle your friends or give your first born child for all of them to share.

“Hi,” you manage to squeak out despite everything that seems to be overwhelming you at the moment. It’s like every cell, every fiber, every muscle in your body are all aching to reach out to her and take her in your arms, feel the warmth you know she probably still has and just bask in all of Lauren like you always used to do whenever everything felt like it was closing in on you. She had the uncanny ability to calm your soul with a single touch, ease your mind with a few soft words, and lull you into a sense of peace with her soothing voice. You used to lie your head on her chest and feel the steady rhythm of her heart beating against you, using it as your own personal reminder that no matter what happens, Lauren will always be the one thing in your life that’s steady.

At least, that’s what it used to be.

She reaches her hand out for a handshake and you want to laugh at the way her face contorts in the subtlest of ways, as if she was berating herself for doing something so formal, but you want to ease her worries and you don’t hesitate to take her hand in yours.

You regret it immediately.

Her touch ignites sparks that run from the tips of your fingers and spread through your veins, heating up your entire being and making you feel the most alive you’ve felt in the last couple years. Her touch burns you in the most beautiful way until you’re nothing but embers of the memories you used to share, floating helplessly through the air and you briefly think that you’d gladly be reduced to ashes if it means you get to bask in that touch.

It burns because you remember when that touch was purposeful, running along your skin with utmost reverence, lighting up your heated skin as she had her way with your body. You remember when that touch was gentle and warm, comforting you in the most delicate way, holding your seams together when you felt like everything was falling apart.

You wonder what’s going through her mind while yours is bombarded with memories of what used to be.

Your moment is broken for the second time when Harry clears his throat and you pull your hand away, immediately running it through your locks because you can’t trust yourself not to reach out again. She seems to come out of her own daze and shoots you a small smile before the attention is brought back to Hailee, who – bless her heart – starts telling the whole group about her plan of fulfilling her dream of hooking up with someone at a wedding. You briefly note the frown on Niall’s face at the mention of said plan and you wonder how long it’ll take for the two idiots to realize they’re in love.

The rest of the day goes on without too much trouble for your heart. You think you’d done a good job of keeping your composure while being in the same room as Lauren. You commend yourself when you didn’t go full on heart-eyes whenever she let out a laugh or did that smile that always manages to take your breath away, even when it wasn’t directed at you, but the look on Dinah’s face and the subtle shake of Normani’s head in your direction tells you that you might not have been as subtle as you think.

You find out that your closest college friends, Lauren included, are all staying in this gigantic mansion resort house thing, while Normani and Dinah are staying in two different houses within the same private resort with their respective families, and the rest of the guests are housed in a nearby hotel.

You hope and pray that your room is on the opposite side of the house from Lauren’s, but because the universe is out to get you – or really, your friends are massive dicks – you also discover that they’ve managed to assign the bedrooms so that yours is not only right next to Lauren’s at the end of the hall in the second floor, you’re also sharing a bathroom with her.

You need a cigarette and you don’t even smoke.

  ******************

A/N: flashback to the college years

  You sigh as you set your bag on the designated table in the learning center of the library and pull your notes and necessary textbooks out, neatly laying them over the surface and picking up a pen to twirl around your fingers as you wait for the person you’re tutoring today.

It’s the first semester of your sophomore year and you’re ready for the challenge ahead. You’d successfully survived your first year, passing all the fundamental “weed-out” classes (named as such for challenging introductory science courses that weed out students who aren’t really meant for the hard sciences) of your engineering major with a biological sciences track and managing to do so with little to no scandal to your name, which is a lot more you can say than some of the people on your dorm floor.

You’re tutoring for a class you aced in your very first semester and although you’d like to tutor a slightly more challenging class, you found out that they reserve those spots for the upperclassmen so here you are, paying your dues until you can move up the academic ladder.

The person is, of course, late and you wonder why someone would waste your time like this as you scowl at the entrance of the center, wondering who it could be. There’s an online sign up for available spots for tutoring and all you know is that somebody has registered for your slot. They simply get directed to your table, which is labeled with a number, but you essentially don’t know what to expect. It’s like a blind date. An academic blind date. You really need to get out more.

You wait a couple more minutes until your attention is drawn to the door once more and you see no other than Lauren Jauregui walking in with her leather jacket and combat boots and messy hair and green eyes, and really, who does she fucking think she is walking in like she’s in a goddamn runway. You silently pray for the poor soul that has to tutor her until you see her green eyes scan the room, land on your table, and promptly start walking towards you.

The poor soul is you. Of course. You watch her eye you up and down and a smirk spreads across those plump lips as she seems to glide towards you. Honestly, it’s like everything you’ve ever heard about this girl is true. And you’ve heard plenty.

Everyone knows Lauren Jauregui. Soccer slash softball star. Mega-rich daughter of the world’s largest shipping company and walks around with the world at the tip of her fingers. You’re pretty sure her goal is to sleep through all the 10s in the university if you’re going by the stories you’ve heard. It seems like everywhere you go, some girl, some very very attractive girl who could probably get anyone they wanted, is crying over a broken heart or condemning Lauren to hell for sleeping with them only to never call them back. She beds them and breaks their hearts. She’s even slept with your friend Sarah, who swore off women for the longest time after the disaster that was Lauren Jauregui.

She’s like the girl version of John Tucker. Honestly, you’re convinced John Tucker is the male version of Lauren Jauregui. Those fuckboy movies you’ve seen? All based on Lauren if anyone asks you.

And now, of course, you have to deal with her. Not that she’d definitely want to sleep with you. Her type is more that of a supermodel than the average bioengineering major.

“Hey, princess,” she greets you in a husky tone you did not expect, which really, you should have just assumed that her voice would be sexy as hell too. It only makes sense to complete the whole package.

You groan internally as you force a smile you know probably looks more like a grimace. “Hi, I’m Camila and I guess I’ll be your tutor this semester.”

“Well, aren’t I lucky?” You really want to do something to wipe that stupid smirk off but you need this job.

“Okay, Lauren is it?” You ignore the rise of her eyebrow at you knowing her name because you know she’s used to it. She must know people know who she is. “Look, this is important to me and I’d really appreciate it if you took this seriously.”

Her face looks serious for a second as she mulls over your words and a smile forms on her lips that you think could definitely pass for genuine. “Sure, yeah of course. I do need to pass this class,” she gives you an easy shrug and you sigh at how much harder you thought that was going to be.

You wonder why she’s in this class anyway. This fundamentals of biology class is an entry course that’s required for science majors mostly and you know Lauren is majoring in business to prepare for her eventual taking over of their family’s business. You find out the answer to that question when she tells you she registered too late and the basic science class that most non-science majors take to fulfill their science requirement had been filled up by the time she registered. So now she’s stuck with a more challenging science course and she explains that she really needed to get her general education requirements out of the way before she can get started on her upper-level business courses.

The next few weeks of tutoring Lauren turns out to be quite enjoyable, to your utter chagrin. She’s incredibly charming without trying. You’d expected the flirting. You figured she was the type to flirt with anyone with a heartbeat and yet what you didn’t expect was how effective it was. It wasn’t obnoxious or overly sexual like you’d assumed it was going to be. It was subtle and sweet and even genuine at times.

She’d compliment you about your smile in your most unguarded moments and then look at you with those stupidly green eyes like she’d actually meant it. She’d bring snacks to the tutoring sessions and she’d mastered the very specific way you like your coffee after one time of you casually mentioning it. She even walks you to your dorm whenever your sessions are scheduled at night and it lasts longer than you both expected.

She’s also very smart. You have long conversations about the state of the world and you see the compassion and fire in her eyes, hear the sincerity in her voice when she talks about human affairs and how we should be doing better, working harder as people living on the same planet instead of constantly tearing each other apart.

She also has no problem understanding the material at all despite her saying she hates science at least twice every tutoring session. You wonder why she’s continuing to avail your services after she shows you the third major exam that she had aced, presenting it to you like it’s a prize as she smiles widely, cheeks bunched up and eyes twinkling before she proceeds to take you up into the nicest hug you’ve ever gotten. Because you’re at this point in your relationship. You give each other hugs and smile at one another when you see each other on campus.

You’re pretty sure you’re friends. Sarah would be so disappointed with you if she ever found out.

She’s also introduced you to her closest friends, Dinah, Normani, Zayn, Niall, and Liam. And you find out that even though they’re all filthy rich as well and have inheritances that could have them set for three lifetimes, that they don’t embody the rich kid stereotype. Dinah and Normani are high school sweethearts and you learn that Zayn and Lauren are very close. They’re like bromance close. It’s cute really, but you’d never say that to her in person. You have a feeling she doesn’t take to being called cute very well, what with her badass reputation she has to uphold.

You somehow have managed to introduce your own friends, Ally, Hailee, and Harry and you’ve formed quite the circle of friends. Everyone gets along surprisingly well despite coming from different backgrounds and you think that tutoring Lauren Jauregui might not have been the worst thing to ever happen to you.

  —

  The thing about spending a lot of time with Lauren is that she’s very pretty. And smart. And honestly, an actual cinnamon roll and you can feel yourself falling, which – is very problematic for various reasons. You’ve both given up on using the tutoring sessions as a very thin-veiled excuse to be together and have since spent time together just for the sake of hanging out.

You know you should really stop this whole falling thing because it can only end badly for you. She’s Lauren fucking Jauregui after all. You’re 87 percent sure she doesn’t do relationships and you’re even more sure that she wouldn’t ever like you like that and you really need to get a hold of your feelings before you make it weird and lose a pretty good friend.

“Hey, Camz,” she comes up to you bright and happy and you lose yourself in the green of her eyes as she casually drapes an arm over your shoulder as you both walk to – you’ve forgotten where you’re walking to. You tend to lose all sense of things when Lauren’s presence is all-encompassing and you’re completely at her mercy.

“Hey, Laur,” you say with a smile of your own and you hope it doesn’t look as lovesick as it feels.

“You wanna go out tonight?” There’s a subtle tremor in her voice, a quick dent in the confidence that always surrounds her, that you wouldn’t have noticed had you not been so close to her and if you weren’t so – you know – completely in tune and smitten with everything that is Lauren. Which makes you wonder because, why is she nervous? You go out all the time.

“Sure,” you say with an easy shrug and a smile you hope is comforting. “Let me put it in the group chat to see if anyone can join us.”

You’re in the middle of pulling your phone out when Lauren’s voice stops you and your breath hitches at the back of your throat.

“I was kinda hoping it’d just be the two of us?” she asks unsurely and she’s taken the hand that’s not around your shoulders to mess with her hair and now you’re sure that she’s nervous. “I just feel like we haven’t had much time together without everyone being there you know?”

“Uh sure, okay,” you agree because she’s right. You used to spend a lot of time just the two of you. And you love your friends, you really do, but you do miss having Lauren all to yourself.

  —

  “That’s what we’re using?” you ask incredulously as you stand on the curb with your arms crossed against your chest with zero plans of moving because if Lauren thinks you’re riding on that two-wheeled death trap, then she’s absolutely lost her mind. She owns like, at least four other cars. Why she chooses to risk her life like this, you don’t think you’ll ever understand.

A smile forms on her lips that is simultaneously infuriating and endearing as she stands up straight from where she was leaning on her motorcycle. “Yes, come on. Stop being such a big baby,” she says teasingly as she reaches out for her leather jacket, which was draped across the seat.

And oh god she’s putting the leather jacket on. You’re helpless against the leather jacket. You can feel your resolve crumbling as she approaches you with her spare helmet, charming smile on full display. “Come on, princess,” she smirks as she puts the helmet on your head, ignoring your poor attempt at a scowl because you really can’t be mad at a smiling Lauren.

She gently brushes your hair to the side as she secures the helmet strap around your head, winking at you for good measure and she really doesn’t even have to try hard for you to follow. You watch helplessly as she swings a strong leg over her bike, secures her own helmet, straps her backpack to her front, and reaches out a hand for you.

You hesitate only for a second before taking her hand and letting her help you get on the motorcycle, wrapping your arms around her midsection loosely before you feel more than hear her laugh.

“What?” you ask in your best attempt at trying to seem annoyed.

“You’re gonna want to hold on tighter, baby,” she says as she turns her head slightly and you just know she’s smirking behind that stupid shield. Her words barrel right through you and wrap around the pit of your stomach as you don’t think you’ll ever get used to her calling you things like “princess” and “baby.”

“Whatever,” you mutter to yourself.

“Okay,” she shrugs as she leans forward in the slightest, lightly revving the engine and slowly positioning the motorbike to get ready to go. “Suit yourself.”

You yelp and instinctively hold onto her tighter as she speeds down the road, her laugh filling the air around you and you’d totally smack her if you weren’t holding on for dear life.

  You make it to the beach with all your limbs intact and as you struggle to fix your helmet hair, you watch in awe as Lauren disembarks the bike, removes her helmet and shakes – yeah she actually shakes her hair out like she’s in a freaking movie or something – her hair out flawlessly, her dark, wavy hair flowing in the wind, her scent easily mingling with the sea breeze and your heart is beating so hard in your chest you wonder if it’ll manage to completely jump out and hand itself to Lauren.

You pretend it hasn’t already done that and that you have some control over your heart.

She leads you to a part of the beach you haven’t seen before and takes your hand in hers and you have to pretend like her touch isn’t causing a pandemonium inside your chest, a beautiful kind of chaos erupting from the depths of your poor, smitten heart.

You come across a lighthouse and you don’t even question it when she casually pulls out a set of keys that open the humongous doors at the base of the lighthouse, replaces the keys into her backpack and takes your hand once again, giving you a cheeky smile when you raise your eyebrow at her.

 You’re sitting at the top of the lighthouse, out on the surrounding balcony that faces the ocean and your legs are dangling haphazardly through the railing while you sit side by side with Lauren, drowning in the way she smiles at you, in the way that the setting sun is painting wonderful colors on her features and highlighting her mesmerizing eyes in a way that keeps taking your breath away.

You wonder if your heart will ever beat at a normal pace whenever she’s around.

It feels like a date. You know that it isn’t, but that doesn’t stop your stomach from fluttering or your cheeks from reddening whenever she’d focus those eyes on you. Whenever she lets your name roll off her tongue in a way that makes you question whether she meant for this to be as platonic as you’ve assumed.

You find out that the backpack she brought contains the best sandwiches you’ve ever had as well as a Bluetooth speaker where she plays for you her favorite songs, talks about her favorite albums, who her greatest inspirations are, all while asking you about yours, engaging you in the type of conversation that you can’t help but open up.

You don’t know what it is about Lauren but you tell her things you’d never even told Hailee and she’s been your best friend since second grade. She listens like your words are the air she needs to breathe, absorbing them with rapt attention and mulling them over in her own mind before telling you just what you needed to hear. She has the ability to always know what to say and you can’t even remember how you were living your life before Lauren.

She drives you back that night, bringing you back to your door safe and sound and as you both stand awkwardly at your door, she leans forward and takes you in a hug that says she doesn’t want to let go. You relish in it, bask in the warmth of her arms, and wonders whether the thundering sound in your chest is coming from yours or hers as you both stay in the safe embrace where you don’t have to confront your true feelings.

  —

  “So when are you going to, like, properly date?” Dinah’s voice breaks your concentration as you watch the puck slide through the table and go into your goal.

“Oh dammit, Cheech! Stop distracting me with your words,” you exclaim as you watch her taunt you with her winning dance, which really, isn’t much of a dance as it is her just sticking her tongue out at you while shaking her hips.

It’s almost midnight and you’re spending your time in the game room on the third floor of your Commons Building because Dinah thought this would be a good idea to spend the time while she waits to pick Normani up from the airport, whose flight lands at an ungodly two in the morning.

“Anyway,” she says as she feigns fixing her shirt while leaning her hands on the table, watching you with curious eyes. “So when are you and Lauser going to date for real?”

“Wh-what?” You squeak out as you try to be as convincing as possible when you let out your next words. “Why would we – why would we date? We’re friends!” You scoff out and you think you should’ve taken an acting class or two as an elective because Dinah is barely containing her laughter at your failed attempt to be nonchalant.

“Come on, Chanch. What’s taking you gays so long?”

“She doesn’t like me like that, okay?” You let out with more bite than you wanted.

“Oh please,” your friend dismisses your words easily. “I know Lauser. She looks at you differently.”

“Really? Do tell please,” you say with a kinked eyebrow as you cross your arms across your chest and match her stance across the table.

“I mean we know how she is,” Dinah says with a vague gesture in the air that you think is supposed to somehow refer to the many “friends” Lauren has over as her reputation would show. “But with you, it’s different. She doesn’t look at you like she wants to bang you.” She scrunches her nose and then shakes her head. “Well, actually, yes she does,” she corrects herself and you try to will the blush you can feel creeping up on your neck at her words. “But,” she says as she holds a finger out, as if you’d ever think about interrupting the one and only, Dinah Jane Hansen. “She also looks at you with, like, massive heart-eyes. Like she wants to get in your pants, but also make you breakfast in bed the next morning, you know?”

Okay, now you’re sure your cheeks are red because you can’t help but picture Lauren in nothing but an oversized shirt approaching your bed, the morning light bathing the crumpled sheets, with a tray of your favorite breakfast foods and giving you a soft smile that never fails to make your heart jump out from your chest. You’d probably forego the breakfast foods and insist on having her instead if that ever happened.

“You’re insane, Dinah,” you manage to say after you shake yourself out of your very inappropriate thoughts. “Lauren would never like me like that. You’ve seen her type and besides,” it’s your turn to hold up a finger when you see her about to interrupt you. “I mean it’s Lauren,” you scoff as if it should be obvious. “She doesn’t do relationships. She’d sleep with a pole if it had a skirt on it.”

And wow, you regret it as soon as the words fall out of your mouth. Dinah looks at you like you’ve just stepped on a kitten and shakes her head disapprovingly. You want to defend yourself, tell her that these are the things you tell yourself, the things you have to tell yourself as an attempt to stop yourself from spiraling down into the abyss of falling in love with Lauren Jauregui. You can’t risk your heart like this, is what you try to say to yourself. You pretend that it isn’t too late.

“You know what I mean,” you say in a less judgmental tone.

“No I don’t, Chanch,” Dinah tuts sadly. “I thought you knew Lauren better than.”

“Look, I just – ” you sigh because she’s right. Lauren has never given you any reason to not trust her and you should know better than to believe the rumors especially after getting to know her. You haven’t even seen her talk to a girl outside of your group of friends since meeting her. “I’m just protecting myself, okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” you say dejectedly and Dinah comes over to your side of the table and puts an arm around you while looking at you like you’re missing something right in front your face.

“I get that, Chanch. I do,” she tells you softly. “I just don’t want you to miss out on something great because you’re scared.”

  —

  You haven’t seen or talked to Lauren in three point five days and you’re pretty sure she’s ignoring you. You’re not sure what you’ve done but you want to fix it before it gets out of hand because you don’t know how many more mornings you can go through without her smiling face and your favorite coffee in hand as she walks you to your first class of the day, waking up at an ungodly hour just so she can be with you even if her classes don’t start till midday.

Normani has an unreadable expression on her face when she lets you in the apartment that she shares with Lauren. She merely tells you that the green-eyed girl is in her room before retreating to her own room and you have to take a calming breath because she can be really intimidating when she wants to be.

You knock hesitantly on Lauren’s door and when you hear a faint Come in, you let yourself in, preparing to grovel and beg and do whatever it is to fix whatever mess you’ve gotten yourself into.

You see Lauren packing up a suitcase and the duffel bag she uses when she has a game out of state and you hate that she’s leaving for a game and you didn’t even know because you hadn’t seen her in three point five days.

“Hey,” you say meekly as you stand by the door.

Lauren’s head snaps up from her packing at the sound of your voice and you watch her expression harden before she resumes her packing. It’s unnerving because you’ve never been on the receiving end of that expression before and now you know that you’ve truly fucked up on something.

“Are we – is everything alright?” you ask as you watch her barely pay any attention to you.

“Yup, just packing for my game this weekend.”

“Lauren, come on.”

“What, Camila,” she says and her voice is cold and her tone harsh and it slams against you in a way that makes it hard to breathe. “I have to catch the team bus, so I’m a little busy, can we do this some other time?”

“Do what? I’m not even sure what’s-”

“I mean don’t you have better places to be than be here right now?” She’s abandoned her bag in favor of turning towards you and giving you all her attention. “I mean I’m kind of in a rush. I have to pack, catch the bus, and you know,” she shrugs and lets out a self-deprecating laugh before letting out her next words. “Gotta fuck the next pole in a skirt that I see.”

The words feel like a stab in your heart and you watch briefly as sadness washes over her cloudy green eyes.

“Laur-”

“No, you know what, Camila,” she cuts you off and her voice is steely with just a hint of a crack beneath it. “I know what people say about me and that’s fine. Really. Because they don’t know who I am. I expect that kind of thing from people that don’t know me,” she keeps her gaze on you even as you watch her eyes fill with unshed tears. “I thought you knew me better than to think I slept with everyone and everything in sight without regard for anyone but myself.”

“Laur, I – I’m sorry, I was just – I panicked and I didn’t-” You know you’re not making sense. You want to say so many things and the words are getting jumbled on your tongue and your heart is pounding too loudly in your ears for you to hear your own thoughts and you wish you could tell her you only said those things to help yourself get over her. That you didn’t mean it, but you needed to convince yourself that the two of you could never happen.

“I went to the game room a few days ago because Dinah said you were there with her. I was going to surprise you and invite you to my tournament this weekend in Boston because I know you’ve wanted to go for a while and I know you’ve been studying hard for finals and I thought you deserved a break, you know?” Her voice cracks at the end of her sentence and you hear the same thing happening within your chest. “So imagine my surprise when I hear somebody I consider my best friend talk about me like that.”

“Lauren please, let me explain.” Your voice is desperate and you don’t even care at this point that you can feel hot tears streaming down your face.

She shakes her head and gathers her bags together, throwing on that leather jacket you love so much before carrying her things to the door while you follow her helplessly.

“And for the record,” she says as turns to you one last time. “Your friend Sarah was the one who came onto me. I told her I wasn’t looking for a relationship and she was the one that insisted it was just going to be sex. Then she had the nerve to spread rumors about me when I didn’t call the next day.”

With that, she clenches her jaw and looks away from you as if the mere sight of you is bringing her pain and leaves through the door, leaving you with your heart shattered in your chest.

    A/N: end of flashback (for now)

***********

You breathe in the night air while you lean your forearms against the railing, enjoying the way the serenity descends onto you in the same way your comfort blanket did when you were a child seeking solace from the thunderstorm outside. You’re glad your room has its own balcony because it’s providing you the much-needed privacy and quiet for you to gather your thoughts.

You didn’t think today went too bad, considering you hadn’t seen Lauren in two years and you’re still very much in love with her even though she doesn’t know you anymore. You think you’re doing quite well. You hadn’t let out any ill-timed declarations of love and you hadn’t murdered your meddling friends, so you take it all as a victory.

You take this time to yourself to calm your heart, which hasn’t stopped beating erratically since seeing Lauren and you hope that you have the strength to make it through this week.

You’re about to go back inside when you hear the door slide behind you and you’re reminded that not only do you share a bathroom with Lauren, you share the balcony with her too.

“Hey, princess,” her voice rips right through you, taking you back to when you first met her and her words roll out of her mouth and run through the dip of your spine, coiling at the base of your stomach and making you feel like you’re back in time.

“Wh-what?” You barely manage to let your words out as you turn to face her and you have to tell yourself not to reach out and touch her because she looks as beautiful as ever under the moonlight. Her alabaster skin glows with a soft radiance and her hair is in its messy-but-still-somehow-looks-good natural waves and her eyes are as bright as ever. Nothing has changed and yet you have to remind yourself, that this is a different Lauren. This is a Lauren that doesn’t know she has your heart.

“Oh uh,” she brings a hand to the back of her neck like she’s embarrassed and brings it back down to gesture to the print on your shirt. You look down and you see a crown emblem on its front. Oh. “I just thought because – your um – your shirt,” she chuckles nervously. “Sorry, that probably was weird,” she scrunches her nose at herself and you barely resist the urge to smoothen the lines that form on her face at the action.

“Oh yeah no, it’s okay.” You try to ease her worries with a small smile and she takes it in gratitude.

She moves to stand next to you and leans her own arms against the railing, bright eyes fixed on the ocean waves glinting under the shine of the moon and you try not to get lost in everything that is Lauren.

“You know, you can ask me whatever you want,” she says as she turns her head slightly to face you, a small smile forming on her lips. “Or say whatever is on your mind.”

“What do you mean?”

She shrugs before looking out into the ocean once more. “I don’t know, it’s just that – it seems like everyone is kind of tiptoeing around me? Like I’m glass that’s going to break or something,” she tries to hide the concern in her voice behind a small laugh. “I came back for the truth and I’m prepared to hear whatever. I’ll take what I can get at this point.”

Oh.

Your heart is thundering in your chest and you want to just blurt it out. Tell her who you really are – were – in her life before she forgot about you. There’s nothing more in this world you want than to remind her what you were supposed to be to one another.

But telling her isn’t going to bring her memory back. She’s not going to magically remember she was supposed to be in love with you. All it would bring back is her strained relationship with her mother and you don’t think you could stand in the way of their relationship twice in a lifetime.

So you take a breath and you try to steady your voice when you speak, hoping that she can’t hear the small tremor in your tone. “Well, you can trust me.” The words feel like razors coming up your throat as they fall from your lips, cutting any chances you might have had in getting Lauren back. “I won’t hold anything back from you and whatever it is you want to know about your past, I’ll tell you as best as I can.”

The way she focuses her eyes on you, like she’s trying to look into your soul, picking your words apart for the lie that they are, you almost want to back down and end this charade once and for all. But then she gives you a smile, one that you haven’t seen in a while, the kind she gives you when she wants to calm you down, ease your mind, and steady your heart – one that says she trusts you.

And you suddenly wish that it was you who forgot how breathtaking that smile was.

  —

  Your friends are massive dicks.

You’ve known this for a while and you should have known they were going to pull something like this out of their asses and put you in a situation where you’ll be at Lauren’s mercy.

Because Dinah and Normani’s wedding isn’t exactly traditional and they share the same group of friends, they essentially have the same entourage – which is basically just your group of friends divided into two groups so that Dinah has half of your friends on her “side” and the other half goes on Normani’s.

They’ve been planning this for months and so you know you were supposed to be paired up with Harry. He was the one that’s supposed to be rehearsing with you to walk down the aisle and do all that jazz because they’d known beforehand that his boyfriend, Louis, wouldn’t be able to make it to the wedding. There was a scheduled conference or whatever in the same week or something.

So you’re a little confused when you walk into rehearsal and Louis comes barging right through the group of people mingling about, and promptly envelopes you in a tight hug while simultaneously complaining about his delayed flight, all while you’re wondering how and why he’s here at all.

“Oh yeah, Camila,” Harry pipes up from behind Louis with a smug-looking smirk. “We forgot to tell you but Louis can make it after all.” You don’t fucking say. “And so he’ll be my partner,” he says gleefully. Which is okay. You’re fine. You don’t actually have to be part of the entourage. You know you don’t mean any less to Dinah or Normani if you’re relegated to just a common guest. Less responsibility for you and more time to pine for Lauren.

Everyone already has partners. Zayn is with his girlfriend, Gigi. Ally and Liam are paired up. Niall and Hailee are (of course) partners (you’re still wondering when that is finally going to happen), and now, Harry and Louis.

But then, of course, your friends had actually already thought this out. In fact, you’re 98 percent sure this was the plan all along.

“Oh but you can still be a part of the entourage, Camila.”

“Yeah, we just need to find you a partner.”

“I wonder who it could be.”

You wonder if you’ve watched enough crime shows to get away with actual murder.

“Oh, Lauren!”

Yeah, now would be the perfect time for the ground to open up and swallow you whole.

You watch as she snaps her head up from her phone where she’d been standing to the side waiting for rehearsals to begin. She’s not part of the entourage because no one really knew if she would even be able to make it, or if she’d want to go to a wedding of people she knew before college but don’t quite remember spending time within the last four years before she lost her memory.

“You can be Camila’s partner!” You love your friends, you swear you do, but it’s in moments like this that you want to smack all of them across their stupid, smirking faces.

“Um well – uh,” you watch as Lauren gets flustered with all the attention on her, the wedding planner watching her like a hawk.

“Well, it wouldn’t hurt to add another pair. Your entourage is relatively small compared to the size of the rest of the wedding,” said wedding planner pipes up with her unwanted opinion.

“Well then it’s settled,” Harry claps his hand together like he’s come up with the brightest idea in the world. “It’s up to Lauren now. Do you mind being part of the entourage?” Up to Lauren?! Up to her?! What about you? What if you don’t want to be subjected to the kind of torture where the love of your life is so close to you, but you can’t do anything about it. It’s all a lie, you know you’d jump at the opportunity to be close to Lauren no matter how much it might hurt.

“Uh well,” her cheeks flush a darker shade of red and green eyes find your own, as if asking you if you were okay with it and you honestly want to laugh. You want to laugh at the thought that you might not want to be paired up with her because if it were up to you, you’d take Lauren and march her right up the altar and marry her right there and then, if it weren’t for the small problem that she doesn’t exactly remember you. It’s not as if you had been planning to do just that very thing the few weeks leading up to the incident. You try not to think about the ring still hidden in your apartment. “If Camila’s alright with it, I don’t mind.”

“Sure,” you shrug casually and you hope you didn’t sound as excited as you feel.

“Awesome!” Harry exclaims and if he claps his hands together one more time, you swear you’re actually going to go up to him and smack him in the head.

Your friends are massive dicks, but you actually love them.

  —

  A/N:

hi everyone! im back from my unannounced/unexpected hiatus (unlike 5h)

hope y’all are doing well

sorry if y’all were expecting a homh update. I prolly will try to finish this two-shot (maybe three-shot) before I work on the next ch for homh

as always, I’d love to hear what y’all think so far

feel free to leave a vote/comment/feedback if ya feel like it!

  -madds (wattpad/ao3: jaureguicabello5eva)

[eddievee]

Gay and Sober

I’m intimidated by the thought of writing about this. There are multiple reasons as to why I perhaps shouldn’t express these thoughts. However, I have a problem. I have a problem and I feel as though trying to articulate it will help me cope. It is my hope that friends and family members will read this and understand my struggle. Maybe they or someone on the internet could also find solace in my story.

Basically, I have a drinking problem. Call me an alcoholic. Call me an addict. Any term under the umbrella of substance abuse likely applies. I write this at twenty four. Looking back over the past liquored up eight years of my life, the most traumatic experiences and biggest setbacks I’ve endured have had to do with alcohol. I pinned a guy in my dorm to the ground at eighteen and nearly got expelled from university. I went psychotic at twenty-one, experiencing auditory hallucinations and paranoid delusions. My psychiatrist deduced that it all transpired because I went off of my psychoactives cold turkey and started to self-medicate with wine. That turn of events forced me to withdraw from school for almost a year. In that time, I left random objects on my university president’s doorstep and nearly got arrested for trespassing. I also showed up drunk to the undergraduate library after withdrawal from classes and had to be escorted out by police. My relationship with alcohol is distinctly self-destructive and volatile. In March, I got hit by a motorist after a night out of drinking. I had recently quit a managerial position after over two years working there, lined up a prospective job with greater pay, and a couple of my coworkers bought me Jack Daniel’s as a farewell present. I wrote a goodbye letter that evidently still has a place of honor in the store. It was a bittersweet goodbye, but I was leaving a staff that I knew was going to miss me. From my end, that feeling was mutual. I also had a solid positive reference in my back pocket from my time there. I was ecstatic. To leave a job I really didn’t like was fabulous. To feel as though I was moving on in my career was even better. It was time to celebrate, of course! So, I imbibed. I guzzled hard liquor by myself and went to my usual haunt. I drank more there and tried to ride home on my bicycle. That’s when it all happened. The injury was severe. I sustained contusions on both sides of my frontal lobe and cracked a few bones in my skull. Emergency services were called and I was rushed to the hospital. There, it was determined that I was at a .27 blood alcohol content. Had I consumed a couple more drinks that night, I would have been legally dead. At the hospital, I was put into a medically induced coma and given a room in intensive care. The coma lasted roughly a month and I received inpatient physical, occupational, and speech therapy for another month before discharge. Multiple doctors, nurses, and therapists told me that based on the severity of the injury, I was expected to be discharged by November. I remember visiting the intensive care unit after being moved to the rehab unit. Multiple doctors and nurses who managed my case expressed verbal and physical disbelief that I was standing and walking. Several entered the unit for their shift, saw me, and would throw their hands in the air and turn around before greeting me. I don’t know the totality of their experiences in medicine, but I imagine several of their cases don’t end up walking and talking a month after coming out of a coma. They were unquestionably shocked to see me so relatively well.

Basically, I almost died. Mortality was clarified for me in March. The physical toll alone was nothing short of traumatic. In spite, I’m happy that my recovery has gone so unexpectedly well. I’ve gained 25 pounds of muscle back, I was discharged from outpatient therapies after two weeks, and I’m now looking at the possibility of returning to work. However, I’m not totally well right now. Despite all of the strides I’ve made over the past three months, I know I have an immense amount of work to do to get healthy again. However, I’m ill at this point for reasons unrelated to the somatic impact of my auto accident. The psychological consequences of my injury came later and asymmetrically. With the physiological component consuming most of my time, energy, and focus initially, I simply didn’t know how what happened was going to impact my mental health. With BPD on my diagnostic record, I’ve been depressed, anxious, and occasionally psychotic for much of my adult life. I’ve been in and out of psychiatry and psychotherapy since I was 18 years old. I’ve been hospitalized for psychological reasons twice. Having a degree in psychology and women’s studies, I know the annals and the phenomenology of mental suffering. Through both talk therapy sessions and undergraduate study, I am familiar with coping mechanisms and understand quite a bit about mental illness as a whole. With that said, the knowledge doesn’t necessarily lead to better mental health outcomes for my own struggles. I shouldn’t be drinking at all. In certain traumatic brain injury cases, to consume alcohol is to possibly have a seizure. I also developed blood clots in the hospital and was put on a powerful blood thinner. I’m off that prescription now, but it could have had complications with hard liquor. None of that kept me away from the bottle. I experienced a radical shift. Prior to the injury, I was working overtime hours every week and dating someone I was passionately in love with. He had a key to my apartment after one week of love drunk stupor. Suddenly, I was unemployed and single, my boyfriend breaking up with me in a hospital bed. It was jarring. That particular adjustment was perhaps as traumatic as the injury itself. I had free time and loneliness and ample opportunity for self loathing. Libations were perfect to indulge that stress and sorrow. Got a problem? Pour some plastic jug vodka on it. Let’s Popov off. I mentioned that I had a history of making serious, lasting, and self destructive decisions by drinking prior to March, but I was always able to control myself. I could stop. Now, I can’t. I can consume an entire fifth of eighty to one hundred proof liquor in one evening. If there’s some leftover when I wake up hungover, I drink it that morning. I can’t handle my liquor anymore. I’ve permanently damaged some friendships by sending weird and alarming text messages when I’m blackout drunk. Normally comprised of suicidal ideation, they’re pathetic pleas of “kill me.” Alongside the profound lack of self control, that depth of depression is what’s particularly alarming to me. I don’t want to get sober, but if I keep going like this, I’m going to die. It’ll be at my hand or with a broken bottle. Maybe both. At the least, my liver will fail or I’ll withdraw into delirium tremens or develop Korsakoff’s amnesia. Something. I’ll say again: I don’t want to get sober. However, little of that has to do with alcohol’s effects on my brain and body. Those certainly are factors, but it’s not the bulk of the story. I don’t need a drink to get through the day. It’s fun to be drunk! I like to party. I like relaxing inhibitions, but I don’t need a drink to function. The social and celebratory elements of drinking make it harder to leave behind. I’ve quit abusing other substances in the past because I was almost always using by myself. I like people more than I like drugs. Alcohol is different because that line between people and drugs is blurrier. There’s a distinctly social component to drinking that bears salience to my life. I’m gay. Bars and clubs, the spaces relegated to LGBT people by dominant culture, are centered around the sales and consumption of alcohol. That’s a fact. I’m also a drag queen, who are hired in part to facilitate that commerce. Alcohol was in the room when I first started to meet other gay guys at sixteen. Its omnipresence throughout my gay young adult experiences make it that much more difficult to go without. Booze is sometimes like an old friend; it has been my chaperone for years.

To leave alcohol behind would make me profoundly anxious, thinking that I would be leaving my friends behind too. My community matters to me. If there’s anything that the experience of surviving traumatic brain injury has solidified in my mind, it’s that I matter to my community as well. I’ve made friends in these spaces for years now. The gay bar has been a critical component to my sense of self and I’m terrified to lose that. A friend of mine might read this portion and roll his eyes. He once told me something like “People you party with are not your friends. They’re people you party with.” That may be true, but it’s connection. There’s a multitude of research literature on how social connections lead to better life expectancies and health outcomes. Unhappily married people tend to live longer than content single people for a reason. I don’t know how to mesh sobriety with my network of relationships in the nightlife scene. These people have welcomed me and held me, laughed with me and wept with me. I’ve devoted so much time and energy to drag performances to express my love and gratitude for my community. I don’t want to be without the people I’ve met in part through drinking. I wouldn’t be here without them. At the same time, many people in my nightlife existence know that I have a problem. I went out the other weekend for a going away party. After leaving the club, I went to my friend’s place and had a 2:00 AM conversation with another friend who didn’t accompany us out to the club. He’s mentally ill, but high functioning, and deeply empathetic. We relate. I asked him about our friends’ perception of my alcoholism. He expressed that even before my accident in March, people would notice how drunk I’d get on a regular basis. He said that some people get that drunk “every six months or so.” With me, it was “like every other week.” He went on to comment on my overall melancholy and bleak outlook on life. He said, “Sometimes, when I see you, it’s like you woke up and happiness wasn’t even a possibility.” Being a depressant, alcohol feeds into my psychological dependency for crisis and sorrow. RuPaul asserted that Katya, Brian McCook, had an addiction to anxiety in season seven of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I feel that. I’m realizing just how intensely accustomed I am to feeling depressed. In drag, I’ve rejoiced in sorrow on stage for years. On multiple occasions, I’ve walked into the bar in full drag makeup and the first thing I hear is “what’s wrong?” It’s not even that the glass is half empty. For me, the glass was never there. To be sad is almost comforting in its combination of introspection and self pity. It’s especially affirming when you feel as though you have a right to that lowness. As Bright Eyes once said, “Sorrow is pleasure when you want it instead.” That pleasure has grown old. I want to do more than just survive in spite of crisis. I’ll say this: I don’t know if I’m going to get sober from alcohol. In my recent brief attempts at sobriety, I’ve recognized just how much temperance culture permeates United States media. You’d be challenged to walk down the main street of any major city and not see at least one advertisement for liquor. The push and pull relationship of Puritanical abstinence from indulgence and the American civic duty of reckless consumption is powerful. That relationship is also undeniably profitable. With that said, my pro and con list of continuing to drink is getting grimmer. What I need to do becomes more obvious after each fifth of bottom shelf whiskey, with each morning I wake up hungover, and within each inebriated, suicidal cry for help. To those of you who have been on the receiving end of my substance abuse, I’m sorry. My brother recently found me in my apartment, eyes rolled in the back of my head from drinking to excess. I’ve fallen down stairs at the local gay bar, making an absolute fool of myself. I’ve said alarming, dreadful things in person and online that I regret terribly. In total, I’ve damaged relationships that I’m never going to repair. The problem is when I’m alone. If I’m at the bar and not drinking around you, don’t think it’s completely because of what I’ve expressed here. More than anything, just know that I have a drinking problem. It exists unarguably within and outside the context of my near death experience. I wrote that I was unsure of how to simultaneously be sober and be present at the spaces where I’ve made loving relationships. This is my attempt. Know that I want to be around, but I simply can’t do it like I used to. I need to get sober from alcohol. At the very least, I should. It’s going to be a tall order, but less lethargy and fewer depressive episodes sound fabulous. Thank you.

[velvetfxexo]

The Star & His First Love (pt 10)

Characters: EXO D.O./Kyungsoo + OC

Type: Fluff

Length: 11.1K (I know, I surprised myself as well)

Doh Kyungsoo only fell in love once, and he got rejected. Nothing more, nothing less. Years later, he meets his first love, again.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 {Part 10}

Part 10 - Healing, Hiding, Hesitating

“So the red you keep seeing before your blackouts was?”

“The rose Kyungsoo gave to me when he confessed. Plus blood from the accident. My blood, to be precise.” I said matter-of-factly.

“And the white?”

“The blinding headlights of the truck.”

“See? Not so bad. right?”

Dr. Stiles beamed at me, looking very pleased about my progress during our sessions. I’ve gained my lost memories back, but of course I wanted to make sure the trauma wasn’t going to affect me anymore.

Clara and Dr. Stiles told me a long time ago that I can be cured if I’m determined enough. But back then, I was scared and constantly hiding from the truth. Both of them already knew back then that I was in denial, so the best they could do was let me be at my own pace, patiently waiting for me to be ready.

After all those sessions, I can finally say that I’m well again.

“You and Clara have always been right,” I softly said. “You’ve known it all along and I kept pushing past it. Thanks for being patient with me.”

Dr. Stiles just chuckled while he scribbled something on his notes. I realized that this is the last time he’ll be doing that. I’ve only been consulting with him for a year, but I feel like I’m going to miss talking like this. I mean, I’m glad that I’m okay now, I’m just gonna miss the convos.

“It was nothing, it’s our job to be patient with you. Everyone has a different way of coping, but we’ve always known that you were gonna get past it. Time was just what you needed.”

“Yeah, a lot of time.” I sighed, still thinking about all those wasted years. Kyungsoo and I could’ve been together sooner. Then again, Dr. Stiles did say that if I rushed into things, it would’ve made my trauma worse.

“I still remember the first time you had an episode,” Dr. Stiles muttered. “At first we thought your trauma will be related to driving, since you got in a car crash. But you drove pretty well afterwards! Didn’t even flinch when you were behind the wheel.”

“As if I wasn’t traumatized by a car accident,” I laughed, remembering Clara’s words and frantic face when I almost drove to the airport when Sehun called me awhile back. “Turns out my episodes were related to remembering Kyungsoo.”

Dr. Stiles nodded, looking pleased that I was openly talking about this topic I’ve avoided for a long time. “When you came back from California, Clara wanted to check if you still had dissociative amnesia. So she recommended having sessions with me. Then we found out you can remember almost everything except anything D.O.-related.”

“I was really scared of finding out the truth. It just caused anxiety attacks and more episodes, so I tried hard not to think about it.”

“Exactly, and since you’ve always avoided the topic of D.O., we had to try different methods. First was the reunion. The reason Clara kept agreeing to hold those get-togethers was because she was trying to get you two in one place. But your schedules always didn’t match.” Dr. Stiles explained.

“I knew those get-togethers weren’t always random.” I chimed in.

“Then she tried teasing you, testing if you had feelings for D.O.,” he continued. “I think she knew. At first she was worried, because you were getting dizzy when the topic came up, so she tried to stop teasing you for a while.”

“I know, I wasn’t oblivious to the teasing, doc.” I chuckled.

“Yes, you were just in denial,” he snickered. “D.O. also helped, trying to remind you of your memories together. After he found out about your episodes, he was determined to help you out.”

It still made my heart flutter thinking that Kyungsoo still cared for me even then. He still wanted to help me get better, despite me forgetting about him all those years. Any other person would’ve hated me for that. I really don’t deserve someone like him.

“At first we were worried that he might be going overboard. We told him to always take it slow with you, because you’re still prone to get episodes. But I guess he was as eager to get you cured.” Dr. Stiles added.

“That’s why he went to me that morning..” I said, remembering that time Kyungsoo suddenly showed up at the breakfast bar in the wee hours of the morning.

“That was all his doing. We didn’t push him to do anything.” Dr. Stiles said, his hands were suddenly up in defense. “Going out like that was a risky move, but he did it for you anyway.”

“Yes, I get it. Gosh, you and Clara say the same things.”

“Well, we are in the same field.”

“But you’ve helped me both a lot,” I interrupted. “Thank you, for that. Really.”

“It wasn’t all us,” Dr. Stiles said, then pointed his pencil at me. “It was you, and a bit of D.O. too. Clara and I were just here to give you that needed push.”

“Thank you for constantly pushing me.” I laughed.

“I think it was because of your.. feelings for D.O.,” he suddenly mused. looking down at this notes and twirling his pencil in his fingers. “You had strong feelings for him. So strong you wanted to overcome your trauma.”

I almost had an urge to roll my eyes, but a snicker came out instead. “I was healed by the power of love then? Sounds cheesy, doc.”

“I just said feelings, not love.” he smirked. Darn, he caught me there.

“Remember when you went to your old school just to see what he wrote on that.. wishing well? Or wall? Now that’s blind determination!” he suddenly exclaimed, that annoying but playful smirk still on his face.

“Hey, don’t blame me. I panicked, I wanted to remember!”

“You could’ve just asked him, wow, girls really do like to complicate stuff.” He scoffed. I just laughed and shook my head in disbelief.

“But see, your determination helped you remember. Feelings so strong, you went all the way to---”

“Wow, really doc, just because I’m talking about it freely now doesn’t mean you can tease me about it.” I swiftly interrupted. He chuckled, then went back to having a serious face, but a hint of a smile still on his lips. “I apologize. But I’m being honest. If you weren’t determined, you would’ve never gotten cured.”

I sighed, and nodded. “Yeah, I was determined to fix things between Kyungsoo and me too.” I owed Kyungsoo that much, he also waited patiently, and blindly at that. He wasn’t even sure if I was gonna come back.

“I don’t know if Clara mentioned it to you already, but I told her that maybe the reason I forgot Kyungsoo was because I was thinking of him during the accident..” I faltered, remembering that I didn’t mention to Clara what I really felt that time; it’s the only part that I left out. Dr. Stiles seemed to detect that I was hesitant, so he just stared and waited for me to talk, like he always does.

“I was scared,” I paused, realizing this was the first time I’m telling this to anybody. “No, I was more than scared, I think. I was.. terrified.”

“Of what? Terrified of dying?” Stiles asked slowly, and softly at that. He was using his psych tone now. I smiled and shook my head. “I wasn’t afraid of dying. More like, I was afraid of leaving so soon.”

People have said this again and again, that your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die. But during that crash, while the car was rolling around, all I could see was his face. Kyungsoo’s face. 

“I was afraid of leaving Kyungsoo alone,” I finally said. “I didn’t want to leave him.”

Dr. Stiles had a solemn look on his face, and he urged me to go on.

“I mean.. he wasn’t going to be alone, he had family, friends, fans even. But I didn’t want to leave his life. Not yet, at least,” I chuckled softly. “He just debuted, and we were about to see each other that day. We were just getting started.”

Kyungsoo and I had always been a team. Even back then, we were tight. You won’t see one without the other. I wouldn’t say he’s my soul mate or anything, and they can call me cheesy all they want, but it was always the two of us.

“We had plans, promises, and goals,” I continued, with emphasis to each word. “I wanted to accomplish all those with him, and I was scared that we won’t be able to do it. It sounds self-centered, but that’s what I felt during the crash.”

For a while there I sat in silence, the thought suddenly occurring to me that Kyungsoo and I were still somewhere in between. Would I still be able to accomplish everything with him?

I sat there unmoving, before I realized I was still sitting in front of Dr. Stiles. “I’m sorry, I don’t know if I explained that well.” I muttered.

“No, I get it. I understand perfectly.” Dr. Stiles smiled, before leaning back into his chair. “I’m sure D.O. would’ve felt the same, or worse even. I’m positive he would’ve wanted to accomplish all those goals with you as well.”

My heart warmed at the thought, and I remembered what Clara told me, that during my accident Kyungsoo said he didn’t care if people in the hospital would see him because he’d easily give up being an idol for me. If I was fully conscious that time I would’ve hit him across the head for saying such things, but knowing Kyungsoo said that made me realize that he was ready to give up a successful future just to be in a simple future with me.

“And I get it,” Stiles added, instantly snapping me out of my momentary reverie. “You’ve always seen D.O. to be a part of your future.”

I nodded, quite elated that he put it out in simpler terms. “Kyungsoo is the only clear and constant thing I see in my future,” I mused. “Believe me, there were lots of times I’ve imagined different scenarios of how my future would turn out, and he was there, always. Kyungsoo is in every version of my future.”

He’s in all of it.

“All of it? You ate all of it?!”

All of the boys suddenly turned to look at Kyungsoo shouting at Baekhyun from across the dance room. He was looking inside a paper bag, eyes slightly wider than usual.

“I’m sorry, I hadn’t eaten since lunch, I didn’t realized I ate all of it..” Baekhyun said apologetically while walking towards Kyungsoo. This time he looked really sorry about it, so Kyungsoo just sighed.

“It’s fine, I’m sorry for shouting.” Kyungsoo said, while looking inside the empty paper bag. Baekhyun managed to chow down the sandwiches he made in one go.

“Let’s just order chicken then,” Yixing suddenly piped up, while patting Baekhyun’s shoulder. “I’m feeling hungry too. Since you ate the snacks Kyungsoo made, you get to call and order for us.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll order,” Baekhyun said while taking out his phone. “The usual right?” Everyone just made noises or mumbled in reply. Then Baekhyun went outside the dance room to order from their favorite chicken place.

“So, Kyungsoo when are we gonna meet Dana?” Minseok suddenly asked, while lying down on the floor. Junmyeon was also lying beside him, trying to do sit-ups. 

“I don’t know, maybe when the tour is over?” Kyungsoo mumbled.

“So we’re not gonna meet her until next year?!” Jongdae sat up from the nearby couch and exclaimed in his loud voice, making Sehun beside him flinch. 

“She’s busy too, she has to fly overseas. Our schedules don’t match.” Kyungsoo explained. It’s only been a few days but he misses Dana already, and she has to fly to Tokyo so they might not see each other soon. Maybe.

“You need to get used to it, not seeing each other all the time.” Junmyeon said from where he was lying down on the floor. For a moment there Kyungsoo almost saw a sad look in Junmyeon’s eyes, but it was gone in an instant.

Sehun suddenly stood up from the couch, motioning for Kyungsoo to come with him and talk. Kyungsoo just shrugged, following Sehun to the nearby window. The others looked at them curiously, but didn’t say anything.

“What is it now?” Kyungsoo asked.

Sehun looked at the others, making sure he was out of earshot. “Hey, I know you really like her, but don’t leave us just yet okay? You could still see each other and--”

“Sehun! For the last time, I’m not leaving the group!” Kyungsoo cut him off, but still managed to let out a small laugh. But Kyungsoo gets where Sehun is coming from. Of course he would be worried about more people leaving.

“I know I made you guys worry the past months, when I was sneaking off and going back late, but I won’t be careless again,” he explained, lightly hitting Sehun’s shoulder. “I love Dana, but I love you guys too, even if you guys are a pain in the neck.”

“So you do love her!” Sehun exclaimed happily, a big smile on his lips, and his eyes turning into crescent moon shapes.

“Funny how you caught on to that part.” Kyungsoo scoffed. He did love Dana, he wasn’t going to deny that. That was one of the things he was sure of.

“So when are you really gonna ask her?” Sehun asked, putting his arm around Kyungsoo. Again, the older one just shrugged and simply said, “You’ll see.” Sehun nodded, he knew Kyungsoo was planning to surprise Dana soon, but he wasn’t sure about the details because Kyungsoo was really secretive about it.

“Hey guys, we have a problem,” Baekhyun suddenly shouted after entering the dance room again. “I think the place where we get chicken is closed, no one’s answering.” Everyone except Kyungsoo groaned. Then they started talking all at once.

“What are we gonna eat now?” Jongdae asked.

“Just order something else.” Junmyeon suggested.

“But I was looking forward to chicken..” Yixing muttered.

“Yeah, me too!” Sehun and Minseok said in unison. In all the ruckus, they didn’t notice that Kyungsoo said something and headed outside the dance room. 

“There’s this chicken place near my sister’s cafe. We could just order from there,” Jongin said from his corner of the room, sitting near the outlet where he was charging his phone. “But the chicken place there doesn’t do deliveries, so we have to go there ourselves.”

“Your sister’s cafe isn’t that far, let’s just drive there.” Chanyeol suggested, finally standing up from the spot where he was charging his phone too. Chanyeol wanted to just drive around again, it’s a perfect opportunity since their manager wasn’t with them at the moment and was taking care of their plane tickets and accommodaions for their next tour.

“Yeah, I was about to suggest that. I have to get something from the cafe too, so might as well.” Jongin said, finally standing up and stretching his long arms.

“Since you’re going to your sister’s cafe, please buy me an iced americano.” Minseok requested, his face lighting up at the thought of coffee. Then he also stood up to get his wallet from his bag.

“Oh! I want a vanilla latte!” Baekhyun suddenly chimed in. All of a sudden everyone was requesting their orders and taking out money from their wallets.

“So who else is gonna come with us? We can’t carry everything. It might spill in the car.” Chanyeol asked. As expected, no one answered, so they decided to play rock paper scissors. In the end, Sehun and Baekhyun lost. After finalizing everyone’s orders, the four of them hurried out of the dance room. Junmyeon, Jongdae, Minseok, and Yixing were left, lying on the floor and quietly talking.

Kyungsoo went in shortly after, confused that half of the boys were gone.

“Where’s everyone?”

“Didn’t you see them on their way out?” Jongdae asked, turning his head to look up at Kyungsoo.

“No, I went to the bathroom. So where are they?”

“They went to buy our chicken,” Yixing said. “Kai also had to get something from his sister’s cafe.”

“Wait, I already told Dana to bring us some chicken here!”

Everyone suddenly sat up, surprised at what Kyungsoo said.

“Wait, what-- why didn’t you tell us?” Junmyeon exclaimed.

“I said earlier while you were all arguing that I’ll take care of it, then I went outside to call her.” Kyungsoo explained and sighed, but didn’t look surprised that his members didn’t hear him say it.

“You asked Dana.. to buy us some chicken?” Junmyeon slowly asked.

“She lives near Kamong Cafe and the chicken place Jongin was saying, so I asked her to buy us chicken. Plus I also wanted to see her.” Kyungsoo explained, scratching the back of his head.

“You really told her to bring us food.. at this hour?” Junmyeon asked rhetorically. He was still looking at Kyungsoo in disbelief.

“What? She doesn’t mind. Besides, she wanted to see me too.” Kyungsoo countered, earning teasing looks from Jongdae, Minseok, and Yixing. “Hey, you all wanted to meet her too.” 

“Then we better call those four and tell them to come back.” Junmyeon simply said.

“No, who’s gonna buy our coffee? Jongin had to get something from his sister too.” Minseok whined.

“Okay, okay, settle down. I’ll tell them to not buy chicken and then bring Dana back here with them.” Kyungsoo said, after tapping his phone and putting his phone close to his ear. Suddenly they heard a ringing sound from across the room. It was coming from a phone connected to an outlet.

“That’s Jongin’s phone. Call Sehun or Baekhyun. Chanyeol also left his phone charging.” Jongdae said. Kyungsoo called Sehun’s number, knowing he’ll answer quicker than Baekhyun. Then Kyungsoo was startled by a loud vibrating noise from somewhere, and they all turned around to look at where it came from.

“It’s coming from the table?” Yixing asked. Kyungsoo approached the table where their bags were, and saw Sehun’s phone there. The kid left his phone too. Then Kyungsoo decided to call Baekhyun, but the number can’t be reached. “Why the hell isn’t Baekhyun answering?” Kyungsoo muttered.

“So no one else brought their phones?” Chanyeol suddenly laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. They were about to call Kyungsoo and ask if he wanted coffee or pastries, but it turns out Sehun and Jongin left their phones, and Baekhyun’s phone battery ran out because he was playing games.

“You didn’t bring yours either!” Jongin pouted from the backseat.

“Because I thought you guys were bringing yours! I was charging my phone like you were.” Chanyeol said, still laughing. Situations like these just made him laugh.

Sehun groaned, he deliberately left his phone on the table, but he didn’t know these two would leave theirs too. Baekhyun was shaking his head beside Jongin at the backseat, also finding the situation funny. “Chill, we’re just gonna get chicken and we’ll get back in no time.” He said.

“He’s right, let’s just buy Kyungsoo anything..” Chanyeol said. “How did he like his coffee again?”

“With two spoons of cream..” Sehun suddenly whispered beside Chanyeol while stifling a smile, and earning a loud snort from Jongin at the backseat.

“No, that’s how his girlfriend likes her coffee!” Jongin laughed, and soon Sehun laughed along with him, not able to contain his laughter any longer. Chanyeol and Baekhyun looked a bit confused, and kept asking the younger ones to explain. Sehun and Jongin then told them that Kyungsoo kept mentioning that he still knows how Dana likes her coffee that time he was drunk. He wouldn’t stop blabbing about it for some reason, and they found it really entertaining.

“Dana’s not his girlfriend yet though.” Baekhyun remarked.

“It’s just a matter of time.” Sehun shrugged, still laughing.

“You think they can make it?” Baekhyun asked thoughtfully.

“I have no doubt about it.”

“I’m just worried about the two of them, you know how it is. I hope they can both handle it..” 

All four of them went quiet at what Baekhyun said. Yes, they knew it was difficult, especially at this time. Having a relationship was one of the downsides of their job. Some fans will fully support you, but many will be against you. If it’s hard for the idol, it will be even harder for their partner.

“Dana is strong.” Sehun finally said after the silence. He only met Dana once, but there was something about her that says she’ll fight, and that she’ll do anything for Kyungsoo. 

“Kyungsoo's also strong. They’ll make it.”

They all agreed, because they knew Kyungsoo would surely do the same.

Chanyeol, Sehun, Baekhyun, and Jongin were relieved there weren’t many people at the chicken place at this hour, but they had to wait for 20 minutes because someone before them ordered exactly the same amount of chicken they wanted. The restaurant had to prepare more chicken and they had to wait a bit.

“Sehun and I will go to my sister’s cafe first and order coffee.” Jongin said.

“Sure, we’ll just meet you there.” Chanyeol nodded.

Jongin and Sehun walked briskly to the cafe just a few minutes away from the chicken place. They kept their heads down because a few people walking on the street kept turning around to look at the two of them. Though they might not be fans because they weren’t following the two of them yet.

When they reached Kamong cafe, there was only a group of three girls seated at a table on the far end, and a woman ordering at the counter. There wasn’t too much customers at this hour, so they felt relieved again.

Jongin walked up to the counter, greeting the guy there. The guy smiled brighty at Jongin. “Did my sister go home already?” Jongin asked, looking around.

“Yeah, she left already, but I think she was going to a friend’s house.” The male employee, or the barista explained, then he handed two cups of iced coffee to the female customer in front of him. “Here’s your order, miss.”

Jongin shrugged and went to the door leading to the cafe’s back room, and told Sehun to order what the guys want while he looked for something. Sehun was casually looking at the pastries in front of him, and he was about to order when he noticed that the woman was still lingering by the counter. She looked familiar though..

“Wait, Dana?” Sehun asked in a soft voice, almost a whisper.

Sehun saw the woman suddenly stiffen, but she didn’t turn to look at him. It was like she didn’t hear what he said. He also noticed she was wearing earphones, so she might have not heard him. He was about to reach his hand out to tap her shoulder, but she suddenly turned around so quick and went to a nearby table.

Sehun turned around to look at her, and he confirmed it really was Dana. She placed her orders on a table where there were two big bags of food. Sehun recognized the logos on the paper bags, and realized they were from the chicken place where they were at earlier. So Dana was the one who bought chicken before them? But for what? And for whom?

Sehun tried to meet her stare but Dana was looking everywhere except at him. The more he stared, the more he noticed there was something off about Dana. She was fidgeting, like she didn’t know what to do. One of her hands was closed tightly in a fist, so tight that her knuckles were almost turning white. And her other hand was.. shaking? 

Then Dana suddenly looked up to meet his eyes. She looked serious and calm, but her eyes were saying something. It’s like she was warning him about something, but she wasn’t talking. Sehun raised an eyebrow in question, so curious about what’s up with her. He was about to walk towards her when she suddenly took her phone from her pocket, tapped the screen quickly and brought the phone close to her ear. Then she turned around, avoiding Sehun’s eyes again. So Sehun didn’t take another step further.

“I wonder what’s wrong..” Sehun whispered to himself. Then he remembered why he was at the counter, he still hadn’t ordered for the other members yet. While he was pointing at the coffee on the menu board, he suddenly heard Dana talk loudly.

“Hello sir? Yes, I’ve bought the food already. I’ll go back to the office right now.”

What office? Dana doesn’t even work in an office. Sehun wondered. He was pretty sure Dana owned restaurants but she wasn’t an office worker. Plus, she was her own boss. Who is she calling sir?

“Yes sir, I’m sorry for taking so long. Do you want anything else? I’m at a coffee shop,” she said too loudly. It was like she was deliberately making the conversation be heard. “Please wait for a moment, let me write those down.” Then Dana suddenly went beside Sehun at the counter, but her attention was on the barista. “Excuse me, can I have a piece of paper and a pen?”

The barista tore a page from his notebook and handed it to Dana. Sehun continued ordering, but he was still confused as to what was happening with Dana. She was scribbling something on the paper, and her other hand was still holding her phone. “Oh, wait Sir, I forgot, I didn’t bring my card, so I have no extra cash to buy coffee.” Dana suddenly said, still talking loudly, as she was subtly sliding the paper towards the counter near Sehun. 

Sehun wanted to volunteer to pay for the coffee instead. He placed his hand on Dana’s shoulder, and she suddenly flinched and moved away from him. It’s as if she didn’t want him touching her. Sehun was surprised, and Dana’s eyes were wide, and full of warning.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I won’t be ordering anymore, you can order first, sir.” Dana suddenly told Sehun. He was even more confused than ever, a bit taken aback that she avoided his hand. He was just going to tap her shoulder and no more. Was she touch-sensitive?

“Okay sir, I’m sorry, I’ll go back to the office this instant.” Dana finally said, and put her phone back in her pocket. Dana went near Sehun but she wasn’t looking at him, but was looking at the barista again. “Excuse me, may I have extra tissues? Sorry for all the bother.” she loudly said again.

When she was handed the tissues, she half-ran to the table to grab the bags of chicken, and she immediately went out of the cafe, leaving Sehun in confusion. At the same time, Jongin came out from the back room.

“They’re not here yet?” Jongin asked, looking for Chanyeol and Baekhyun who still haven’t arrived from the chicken place. Then he stopped short when he realized Sehun was still at the counter. “Where’s the coffee?”

Sehun suddenly snapped out of confusion, explaining to Jongin that he just finished ordering because he got distracted. He realized Jongin didn’t notice Dana because he hasn’t met her yet. But Sehun didn’t mention seeing her.. yet. He doesn’t know why, but he had a gut feeling he shouldn’t say it out loud.

“Distracted? Why? What took so long for you to order?” Jongin asked.

“Don’t worry sir, I can make the orders in a jiffy.” The barista offered. Jongin smiled and waved his hand. “Ah, no, we’re not in a rush, I was just wondering what took Sehun so long.”

“Ahh, the smell of the chicken is making me hungry!” 

Jongin and Sehun turned around to see Chanyeol and Baekhyun entering the cafe, each holding a paper bag with their orders of chicken inside. They sat on a table near the counter where the two younger ones were standing.

“Your orders will be ready in five minutes, sir.” The barista told Jongin.

“Thank you, you don’t have to rush, alright?” Jongin said, before walking over to sit with Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Sehun stayed at the counter for a while, he was still in a daze wondering what was up with Dana. He decided to turn around to go to the table with the other members when his eye suddenly caught the paper that Dana left on the counter. 

His eyes just scanned it in a split second, but he suddenly saw his name written on the corner. “What the--” he suddenly muttered, slowly moving closer to the paper but not touching it. 

There was something off, he was sure of it. He still can’t forget the warning look in Dana’s eyes. Sehun pretended to casually look at the menu boards again, then he suddenly asked for tissue from the barista, just like what Dana did earlier. He looked around subtly, making it look like he was admiring the cafe’s interior, but he was observing the customers inside. There was only the same group in a far away table, three girls with their heads bowed down, tapping away at their phones.

Then Sehun casually placed the tissue above the paper on the counter. After making sure no one was looking at him, he took the paper along with the tissues and went to sit with his members.

“Chanyeol, what’s wrong? You look like you’re gonna kill someone.” Baekhyun half-laughed when Sehun reached the table. Sehun noticed that Chanyeol had a deadly look in his eyes. He was glaring at something.

Jongin turned around to where Chanyeol was looking at, and there was nothing or no one else in the cafe, only the small group of girls at a table far from them. 

“What is it?” Sehun finally asked. Chanyeol just subtly shook his head. “Let’s just take the coffee and leave.” he whispered. Sehun and Jongin looked at each other, absolutely clueless. 

Why are people being so cryptic today, Sehun thought. He still hasn’t wrapped his head around what happened with Dana earlier. They waited for a few more minutes, randomly talking about other stuff, when the group of girls hurriedly went to leave the cafe.

“Leave, just leave.” Chanyeol whispered after the girls went out of the cafe. The three members suddenly whipped their heads in surprise.

“Hey, what’s wrong? What did they do to you?” Baekhyun asked, turning around to look at the girls who left but they were out of sight already. Chanyeol just let out a heavy breath. A few moments later, the barista came to them with their orders in two paper bags as well. Then they all smiled and thanked him before leaving.

Chanyeol seemed to be in a rush, his mood very different from earlier. They went across the street where his car was parked, and hurriedly went inside.

“Mind telling us now?” Baekhyun asked from the backseat.

“Sasaengs.” Chanyeol said. “The girls there were sasaengs.”

“What? How did you know?” Jongin suddenly exclaimed. When Kamong Cafe opened, he was worried that sasaengs might try to invade his family’s privacy. Now that they were at the cafe, he can’t help but feel uneasy.

“I know their faces.” Chanyeol answered, a short and annoyed reply. They weren’t used to Chanyeol being like this, so they didn’t press further. They knew about the sasaengs, it was a normal thing for them now, not that they were okay with it. But those sasaengs must’ve done something really wrong to make Chanyeol remember them.

“So were they there, because they knew we’d be coming?” Jongin asked. Chanyeol sighed, the tension leaving his body, but they all knew he still felt annoyed. “I don’t know, probably. Why else would they be there? You know how they are.”

“But they didn’t do anything while we were there..” Baekhyun added.

“They knew we were gonna be there, for some reason,” Chanyeol said, shaking his head. “They were the sasaengs that sneaked into the SM building a few months ago.”

They gasped in surprise, they remember the group of girls that somehow got into SM. They had official access passes so they were let in by security. The question was how they got the passes and who gave it to them. Until now the staff don’t know how that happened, so SM cancelled all the special backstage access events to fans until they could get to the bottom of it.

Chanyeol was the one who caught the sasaengs that day, they were sneaking into EXO’s practice room, so maybe that’s why he must’ve remembered their faces so well.

“You know why they were at the cafe? They were probably confirming that we were gonna be there. They were confirming that their source, whoever that is, is right.” Chanyeol explained. Baehyun groaned, and Jongin shook his head, looking very disappointed. Sehun just looked out the car window, not at all surprised, because he knew obsession could make one do extremes.

It was sickening, that somehow those sasaengs had access to private information. It was scary, no one else knew that they were gonna be at Kamong Cafe because they just decided it on a whim. Yet the sasaengs knew where they were gonna be. Someone must’ve followed them, or something. 

Then Sehun suddenly remembered the incident earlier.

Dana.

He looked at the paper in his hands that he hid with the tissues. When he read and made out the letters, he suddenly let out a laugh. He couldn’t believe it.

“What’s funny?” Chanyeol asked beside him, not turning to look at the younger one because he was driving. Sehun shook his head, still smiling out of bewilderment.

“She knows.” Sehun said.

“Who knows what?” Chanyeol asked, still not looking at Sehun but at the road.

“Dana knows about the sasaengs. I can’t believe it.” Sehun laughed. Suddenly Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Jongin made surprised noises and kept asking questions. Sehun just handed them the paper Dana left at the counter, and explained to his members what happened at the cafe while Dana was there.

“Dana was the girl at the counter earlier? I didn’t know!” Jongin pouted.

“Wow, how did she know?” Chanyeol was suddenly smiling, obviously bewildered too.

So that’s why she was worked up earlier, Sehun thought. He still has yet to find out how she knew. Dana really was something else.

On the paper, Sehun’s name was written on the top left corner, and on the middle written in big letters was none other than the word SASAENG.

“Holy shit.”

I let out a heavy breath after I closed the door to my apartment. I never thought I could get out of that situation. The timing was impeccable, and of all places, of all the many days, it had to be at that moment. I was panicking internally but I had to stay calm. I had to be careful. I had to protect Kyungsoo and the boys.

It all started earlier in the afternoon, when I went to the breakfast bar after my last appointment with Dr. Stiles. We closed the cafe early because Lyra, the artist that Kyungsoo recommended, was about to start on the mural at the cafe. I came to check on her first, and I allowed her to stay as long as she liked.

“I have to go somewhere later in the evening, is it okay if I leave you here with one of my employees? She’ll come later in an hour.” I asked her.

“Yes, it’s okay, thank you again.” Lyra smiled. 

After that I went to my small room, or office, to get some documents and fix up some stuff to bring to my trip to Japan, when I suddenly heard other voices talking to Lyra. From what I can hear, they were like, three different people talking. They were girls, based on their voices. Did she let them in for some reason?

I was about to go out of my office and ask them to leave because we were already closed for the day, when one of them suddenly said in a loud voice, “Just tell us, Lyra! Working in SM must be a joy, right? Give us the deets!”

The loud voice made me stop in my tracks, and I slowly walked back to my office silently. I left the door ajar so I could hear what they were talking about. There was this sinking feeling in my stomach, and my instincts were telling me not to meddle too quickly.

“I said it before, I’m not telling you anything! Leave me alone!” Lyra suddenly said in a loud voice. One of the girls laughed, and said, “Fine, but we know you’ll budge soon. See you around.”

Then I heard the opening and closing of the glass door. When I was sure there was nobody around anymore, I went out of my office and headed towards Lyra at the other end of the breakfast bar. She had both her hands in her face. She wasn’t crying but she was groaning loudly and it looked like she was very stressed out.

“Lyra, what happened?” I suddenly asked. She turned to look at me. At first she was surprised that I was there, but her face suddenly changed and looked very worried.

“Please be careful, please be careful of them.” Lyra said to me, her voice cracking. She held my hands tightly and was looking at me with so much worry in her eyes. My mouth was agape, not sure what was happening here.

“What? Me? What are you talking about? Who were those girls earlier?” 

“They are obssesed fans of EXO. They are sasaengs.” Lyra said, her head bowed down. My eyes widened, I knew what sasaengs were and have read about them. 

“W-why should I be careful of them?” I silently asked. It was a stupid question. I didn’t even want to ask because I was afraid of hearing the answer, but Lyra eventually said it.

“They’re suspecting that sir Kyungsoo has a girlfriend now.” she said. I didn’t know what to say, I expected it, but not this early. Surprised was an understatement. “But don’t worry, they don’t know it’s you. They don’t know who it is yet.” Lyra added.

I was a bit relieved by that, but still, they’re already suspecting. 

“But what happened just now? Why were they talking harshly to you? They were asking for information?” I asked, remembering the commotion I heard earlier. Lyra nodded her head, and explained that the sasaengs know her because she works at SM, and that they were snooping around the breakfast bar because they knew that Kyungsoo ate here. They were also suspecting that Kyungsoo and his girlfriend might’ve been seeing each other here because he posted about it.

Kyungsoo just posted a photo of the food here yet they already speculated that he’s dating. Those sasaengs are really something else! But it’s scary, because their hunches were right. They’re close to finding me already. 

It was a good decision that I registered this place under my senior employee’s name. At first it was because I didn’t want the media to know I owned the place, but now it’s convenient because I didn’t want people like those sasaengs to have even the slightest clue about me, and Kyungsoo for that matter.

“Why should I be careful of them in particular? I could report them for harassment if they try something.” I told Lyra. Hell, I could even report them for harassing Lyra for information earlier. But Lyra just shook her head, saying that those sasaengs are good at leaving no trails, and that it’s hard to find evidence against them. She then explained that those three girls were the worse kind because they would willingly hurt people because of their obsession.

“There was this one idol whom they gave food as a gift, and there were pins inside the food. Fortunately the idol wasn’t hurt because the food was inspected first.” Lyra shared. I felt sick to my stomach, how far would they even go?

“How do you even know all these stuff about them?” I asked curiously, trying to distract myself. Lyra chewed on her lip, like she was thinking if she should answer me. Then I told her she doesn’t have to tell me if it’s confidential, but she suddenly talked.

“I was friends with them before. They were my friends.” Lyra said. My mouth was wide open again, not expecting this bit of information. Then Lyra took out her phone and showed me a photo. She was in the middle, with three girls beside her. They were all hugging each other and smiling wildly. Lyra pointed out that the three girls with her were the same girls earlier, and that I should remember their faces.

“I know it sounds bad that they were my friends, but I didn’t want to be like them, so I stopped being friends with them,” Lyra explained, a sad and distant expression on her face. “Then I got a job at SM, and they started bugging me again. They weren’t the people I knew anymore.”

I suddenly felt sad for her. Imagine your friends going down the wrong path. And now they’re bugging her just because she works at SM.

“I know it sounds sketchy now, you don’t have to trust me now, I could stop doing this project if you’re suddenly doubting me---”

“No, I trust you,” I suddenly said to Lyra, my hand squeezing her shoulder. “Because if you were like them, you would’ve told them about me a long time ago. Plus, I heard you telling them off a while ago.”

Lyra smiled, looking grateful that I trusted her. I admit I hesitated for a few seconds, but I remembered that Kyungsoo recommended her, so he must’ve trusted her. Also, I caught that sad look she had on her face when she was talking about her friends. It also took courage for her to admit that she knew those sasaengs personally. She could’ve just kept the information to herself because it can be used against her, but she chose to confide in me even though we were not close.

“I’ll send you the photo of the sasaengs on your email, please be careful of them. Remember what they look like.” Lyra said while tapping at their phone. I thanked her, and she just shook her head. “It’s nothing. EXO has been so kind to me..” she suddenly confessed. “You’re one of the people they care about, so I have to take care of you too.” she said. I suddenly felt like crying at what she said. I hugged her tightly after that.

So imagine my surprise when I saw those sasaengs at Kamong Cafe. I wasn’t even supposed to be there, I was just watching a movie at my apartment when I got a call from Kyungsoo, asking me if I was busy and wanted to meet up with him at their building, and meet the other members as well.

Then he asked if I could buy chicken for them at the chicken place near my apartment. Of course I agreed, I was more than happy to have time with him and meet the boys. I knew they were busy with rehearsals for their tour, and I was flying to Tokyo tomorrow night, so this was the only time I could see them before they also go on tour.

After I bought the chicken, Kyungsoo suddenly called again. I had my earphones on, so I just talked with him without removing them.

“Hello, I bought the chicken!” I said, raising the two bags of chicken even though he couldn’t see me. 

“You did? Ah, that’s great. Did you happen to see Sehun and the others?

“What? No, I didn’t see them. Are they coming here?”

“Yeah, well you see, there was sort of a mix-up, they went there to buy chicken too. They didn’t know I already called you to buy.”

“Why not just call them then?”

“That’s just it, they forgot their phones here, and Baekhyun isn’t answering.”

“I don’t know why I’m not surprised.” I laughed while walking back to my apartment. “Wow, so you’re gonna have twice the amount of chicken? Should I go back to the chicken place and stop them if they’re already there?”

“Nah, it’s fine, we can give extra food to the staff.”

“Good idea, might as well.”

“And hey, they’re going to Kamong Cafe, do you know that place? It belongs to Jongin’s sister.”

I suddenly stopped on my tracks, because I was already passing in front of the cafe. “Perfect timing, I’m outside the cafe.” I said.

“Really? Cool, can you just wait for them in there? Then you can ride with them in Chanyeol’s car on the way back here.”

“Why can’t I use my car instead?” I said while going inside the cafe. There weren’t any people around, only a group of girls at a table.

“I want to drive you home myself later.”

“Alright, do you want any coffee by the way?” I asked him softly while looking at the menu board. The place was too quiet so I lowered my voice. The cafe employee greeted me with a smile and I smiled back. 

“Just plain iced coffee would do.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later then.”

“What, no ‘see you Soo?’” he laughed.

“I already said that earlier, you know.”

“Ah, you don’t want to say it in public.”

I chuckled, of course I had to be careful because other people might hear his name, even though it is just his nickname.

“Of course I don’t, now hang up, I’ll see you in a while.”

“Okay, wait for the boys there.” Then he ended the call.

Shortly, I ordered two iced coffees. The barista politely told me to wait for a few minutes because he was fixing up one of the machines at the back room, and I said no worries and that I wasn’t in a rush anyway. Then he went to the back room and said he’ll be back in a few.

I didn’t want to sit down at the table, so I just stood by the counter and looked at the menu boards, pastries, mugs, tumblers, and the cute cup designs.

“So when are we going back to that All-Day Breakfast place?”

I suddenly froze while looking at the mugs. I slowly turned my head to look at where the voice came from, and it was from those group of girls at the table on the end. There were three of them. One of the girls who was facing in my direction caught my eye, and I casually darted my eyes away and looked around the cafe. I tried to make it look like I was admiring the interior design.

Come to think of it, the cafe does have a good design. Simple, but nice to look at. I should ask for pointers.

I gave quick sideway glances at the girls, just to make sure they weren’t watching me or didn’t seem suspicious of me. They were tapping at their phones and talking, not looking at me anymore. They somehow looked familiar. There was a face that popped up in my mind, but I didn’t want to think of it. It can’t be. Or could it?

“Are you sure we’re not wasting our time by going there? The food’s good, D.O. does have good taste, but I don’t think he’ll be going back there any time soon.”

I was a bit flattered that the food was good, but internally groaned when I heard them say Kyungsoo’s name. I was right. The universe does have a way with things. I casually took out my phone while leaning on the counter, and I checked the email Lyra sent to me.

These were the same girls earlier at the breakfast bar. They were the sasaengs that Lyra was talking about.

I bit the inside of my cheek. They don’t know me at all so I’m not feeling a bit panicked. But I think I should get out of here quickly when I get my order. I should get out and try to find the boys, and warn them not to come in here. Who knows what these girls would do?

“The nerve of him to go on and date. He doesn’t have the right to date!”

I froze again at what one of the girls said. From the corner of my eye I could see one of them looking at me, so I casually bobbed my head and hummed to a song, pretending I was listening to some music while wearing earphones. But in fact, there was no music playing at all on my phone.

“I know, right! None of them should date. They should only focus on us! We’re fucking supporting them and making them famous! Without us, there wouldn’t be EXO.”

“EXO should be fucking thankful that we’re still here even after all their scandals! All those members leaving, and Baekhyun dating? What the actual fuck right?”

“They deserve all the hate. Serves them right. I hope they break up and stop the charades soon.”

I was feeling sick with what they’re all saying. I can’t believe it. 

“They have the nerve to focus on other women when we fans are here! We’re devoting all our time to them and they go around and date? Nuh-uh, fuck no. We’re not having any of it.”

“If I find out who D.O. is dating, I’ll make her life a living hell. I’ll make her wish she never met D.O. at all.”

My hands were shaking, not out of fright, but out of anger. I wanted to shout at them so bad, and tell them that they don’t own their idols’ lives, that their idols don’t owe them anything except work hard to give them wonderful performances and songs. Don’t they get it? Idols love their fans so much, that’s why they’re working hard, practicing, and improving all the time.

The cafe employee suddenly came out of the back room, making the girls stop ranting. I was still pissed, clenching one of my fists so hard to stop it from shaking. The employee or barista apologized for making me wait, and I took out one of my earphones using my other hand, just for show. I didn’t want those sasaengs to think I can hear even with earphones on. I had to be careful, like Lyra said.

“Again, thank you for you patience, Miss! I’ll prepare your order now.” he said. I smiled and nodded my head. He asked if I’d like to sit while waiting, but I just said that I was sitting all day and needed to stretch my legs a bit. Then I pretended to look around the cafe again and walk casually, putting my earphones back on.

I went to the other side of the cafe, near the sasaengs. But I didn’t spare a glance at them, and just pretended to look at the displays. From my peripheral view, I could see them looking at me, but when I passed them and went to the displays on the wall, they went back to talking. This time, they were talking in hushed voices.

“Remember that girl at the hospital, like 3 years ago? Other fans thought she was D.O.’s girlfriend, so they sent her death threats and followed her around. That was so hilarious, really! They did a good job!!”

I suddenly drew a sharp intake of breath. They were talking about Clara.

“It’s good she wasn’t his girlfriend, but she still deserved all that. That’s what you get for spending time with D.O. in a closet. The fucking nerve.”

I was suddenly seeing red. I could stand them talking about me, but when it comes to other people I care about, I’m not going to just stand here. 

But at the same time, I couldn’t move. I was frozen on the spot. I wanted so bad to teach them a lesson, but I kept thinking of Clara and Kyungsoo. Would they want this? Would they want me to fight? Clara always told me to don’t mind things like these, but I remember how hurt she was when the sasaengs kept pestering her back then.

Also, Kyungsoo. He never cared about what anyone else thought. He doesn’t care what these sasaengs would think of him, if they hate on him or not. He wouldn’t want me to fight. It would just burden him more.

I inhaled sharply, and walked back to the counter. I didn’t look at the girls again, instead I kept thinking of a way to lead the boys away from here without being seen. If these sasaengs see me with the boys, it would be the start of a whole mess.

“Hey, how are you doing?” a male voice suddenly said from behind me. I was deep in thought that I didn’t notice people coming in the cafe. The owner of the voice suddenly walked up beside me at the counter and was talking to the barista. “Did my sister go home already?” the he looked around. He met my eye and I almost gasped. He smiled briefly before turning to look at the barista again. 

“Yeah, she left already, but I think she was going to a friend’s house.” The barista said, then looked at me to hand out the iced coffees I ordered. “Here’s your order, miss.”

I had to stop my hands from shaking when I took the coffees. I tried to act natural as possible. Kai is already here. Crap. It’s a good thing he doesn’t know what I look like yet. He didn’t recognize me. Kai then went to the back room where the barista went earlier. I was debating internally if I should wait for him outside, but the sasaengs might see me. When I finally decided to just leave, I suddenly heard a familiar voice to my left.

“Wait, Dana?”

Shit.

I didn’t have to turn to know it was Sehun, because I recognize his voice. I pretended not to hear him. He shouldn’t be seen talking to me, the sasaengs are still here. I quickly turned around and went to the table where I placed the bags of chicken.

Should I leave now and go first? But I don’t want to leave them here with those sasaengs. Do they even know these sasaengs? I have no idea at all. I tried looking around casually again to check if the sasaengs noticed that Sehun talked to me, but they were busy tapping on their phones, and giggling. They were also stealing glances at him, paying no attention to me. Of course they were delighted that EXO was here. I wanted to wipe those smirks from their faces.

One of my hands was shaking so bad, I don’t know what to do or how to warn him, and at the same time I wanted to leave so that he won’t talk to me. My other hands was still clenched in a fist, still angry about what those sasaengs said earlier.

But I needed to warn Sehun. I looked at him and met his stare. I tried to look as calm as possible. But how can I warn him without talking? This was harder than I thought. He raised one of his eyebrows, probably weirded out with me. I realized I shouldn’t make eye contact with him for so long because the sasaengs might suspect a thing. I took my phone out and pretended to make a call. I turned around so he doesn’t have to look at me anymore. 

Just don’t come near me Sehun, I pleaded in my mind.

I had to do something. I couldn’t leave them here. I need to warn him, but I have to do something that will give me more time. I suddenly had a stupid idea, but I had no other choice at the moment.

“Hello sir? Yes, I’ve bought the food already. I’ll go back to the office right now.” I said very loudly. I saw one of the sasaengs turned to look at me because of my loud voice, but she went back to looking at Sehun.

I need to go near Sehun and warn him. Think, Dana.

“Yes sir, I’m sorry for taking so long. Do you want anything else? I’m at a cafe.” I walked around casually, not going near Sehun but pretending to look at the menu boards with the handwritten list of food and prices. That’s it, I could write him a warning!

“Please wait for a moment, let me write those down.” I pretended to say, and quickly went to the counter beside Sehun. But I avoided his questioning look, and asked for paper and pen from the barista. He promptly tore a page from his notebook and gave it to me. I was holding my phone with my other hand and began to scribble quickly on the paper. Darn, my hand is shaking.

I wrote Sehun’s name at the top left corner in small letters, and I wrote the word SASAENG in big letters. I almost forgot that I was in a pretend phone call, so I talked again.

“Oh, wait Sir, I forgot, I didn’t bring my card, so I have no extra cash to buy coffee.” I said. This is embarrassing, but I don’t care right now. I slowly moved the paper closer to Sehun, pretending to be absorbed in the phone call. Look at the paper, Sehun!

But I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder, and was shocked to find Sehun touching me. I immediately moved away, and my eyes widened. I tried to give him a warning look. Don’t touch or talk to me, I wanted to say. Luckily the sasaengs could only see the back of my head from this view, but I didn’t want to risk talking to him. So the best I could do was to casually slide the paper closer to him. God, I hope he sees it.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I won’t be ordering anymore, you can order first, sir.” I said, and motioned for Sehun to take my place at the counter. I even waved my hand towards the paper. I really hope he sees it later. Sehun moved a bit closer to me, but he still hasn’t noticed the paper.

“Okay sir, I’m sorry, I’ll go back to the office this instant.” I pretended to say on the phone, then put it back in my pocket. I moved a bit closer to where Sehun was standing, and casually slid the paper even closer to where his hand was. I need one last distraction to distract the sasaengs, if ever they were watching us. “Excuse me, may I have extra tissues? Sorry for all the bother.” I said loudly, and I removed my hand that was covering the paper.

Then I half-ran to the table, grabbed the bags of chicken in one hand, and the two cups of coffee in another. How I managed to carry all these, I will never know. All that I know was that I was panicking. I just kept praying that Sehun would see that paper.

I flung myself toward my sofa, tired that I ran all the way back to my apartment carrying all the chicken and coffee. I texted Kyungsoo, apologizing that I didn’t go back with the boys. I told him to call me if he could and that I’ll explain everything. I’d feel better talking to him than texting what happened.

More than 30 minutes have passed but Kyungsoo still hasn’t called. I texted him and apologized again, asking if he was mad or hurt that I bailed on them, but he didn’t reply. I also tried calling him, but he wasn’t answering. I didn’t overthink - maybe he was just busy eating or rehearsing. I was used to him not replying in an instant so it was okay.

What I was worried about was whether or not Sehun and the others had any unpleasant encounters with those sasaengs at the cafe. I hope nothing happened. I didn’t want to think about what those sasaengs said because I might get angry all over again.

I stood up and walked to the table, frowning at the bags of chicken. I was supposed to have a good time with the boys tonight. I was really looking forward to meeting them all finally. Again, time wasn’t on our side.

I sighed, realizing again that I have to prepare myself for more occurrences like these; that I have to hide, pretend I don’t know them, sneak out, and more. It really was going to be hard. Plus, what those sasaengs said really unnerved me. There was only three of them and I almost lost my temper. What if I run into more of them? Could I even take it?

Was I prepared to receive death threats like what happened to Clara? Was I prepared for all the hurtful words or even possible harm that would come to me or those close to me?

Honestly, none of these mattered back then. All I thought of was Kyungsoo, and that I was happy to be with him, and that he felt the same. For me, nothing else mattered. But I guess I didn’t see the big picture enough. I couldn’t even do anything right when I was at the cafe, I felt like I was panicking too much.

Can I take all of it? Will we be able to make it?

Several loud knocks on my door suddenly broke me out of my reverie. Then I heard an all-too-familiar voice on the other side.

“Dana? Dana, are you all right? Are you there?”

What was he even doing here? I made my way to the door and unlocked it, not rushing. “You know, you could’ve just called me back or--” but I wasn’t able to finish what I was saying because Kyungsoo tackled me in a hug. He almost knocked the wind out of me.

“Soo, what the--”

“Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?” He cut me off, and took my face in his hands. He was scanning my face for something, and looking at me entirely. 

“I’m fine, why would I be hurt?” I chuckled. Kyungsoo let out a heavy breath. Then I went around him to close my apartment door.  Then he explained that his phone was in his bag and he was rushing to come here that’s why he couldn’t text or call back.

“Sehun said you knew about the sasaengs,” he added. I held on to his arm and led him to the sofa to sit down. “I thought they did something to you.”

“What, no, they didn’t hurt me, they don’t even know me.” I explained. Kyungsoo must’ve panicked and thought that the sasaengs found out about us.

“Then how did you know they were sasaengs?”

“Well, Lyra told me. She told me they broke into SM a few months back.” I said, leaving out the part that they were Lyra’s friends. I felt like it wasn’t my secret to tell anyway.

“Yeah, Chanyeol did confirm they were the same people,” Kyungsoo said while shaking his head in disapproval. He removed his cap and his hair was all disheveled. He was also sweating a bit. He also explained that the sasaengs left as soon as they saw Chanyeol, and didn’t do any harm to the boys at all.

“Thank God they didn’t do anything. And don’t worry, the sasaengs don’t know me yet, but I guess we have to be careful next time because they’ve been going to the breakfast bar.” I held out my hand to fix his hair, and he didn’t seem to mind. He seemed to be leaning in to my touch.

“I’m really sorry about this, I shouldn’t have asked you to buy food.” Kyungsoo sighed, eyeing the bags of chicken on my dining table.

“That wasn’t your fault, none of us knew that sasaengs were gonna be there.” I said. It was scary though, how they were at the right place at the right time. This encounter just reminded me to be extra careful next time.

“Still. Junmyeon was right, I shouldn’t have asked you to come at this hour.”

“Aw, I didn’t get to meet them again.” I exclaimed, reminded that I didn’t get to see the boys, again. When will our schedules ever match?

“It’s okay, they understand. They were the ones who told me to come here and check on you,” Kyungsoo explained. I can’t help but smile. How sweet of them! “Jongin said it was a pity he didn’t recognize you.”

“Yeah, but he smiled at me though. I guess I’ll have to meet them another time..”

“You’re leaving for Tokyo tomorrow night, right? I���m sorry I can’t spend the night with you, I have to go back at SM later.” he said. It was sad that he still had to rehearse during the wee hours of the night. But they were flying for their next concert soon, so they had to practice.

“It’s fine, Soo. But please eat before you leave. Look at all these food you made me buy.” I stood up and dragged him to the dining table. I handed him his iced coffee, too bad the ice melted already.

He sat down on one of the chairs and began taking out the chicken from the bags. We sat eating in silence, talking once in a while about random things again, and I told him about how I warned Sehun about the sasaengs, and pretending to talk to someone on the phone. Apparently Sehun told Kyungsoo how I was quick to act on my feet, and he was amazed how I managed to handle it well even though I was fidgeting.

“I was really panicking! I tried my best to look composed.”

“Sehun said it was cool how you got through it. All the boys even applauded when they found out.” Kyungsoo laughed.

“Well, I think all those years of our note-passing at high school paid off, don’t you think?”

Kyungsoo suddenly let out a loud laugh and raised his palm for a high-five, a gesture which of course I returned. When was the last time we did a high-five? I think it was still back in high school!

“There’ll be more moments like these, you know.” Kyungsoo suddenly said afterwards. I knew the words he wasn’t saying. That question that was hanging in the air; This is just the beginning, are you still up for it?

I was full of worry and hesitation earlier, but I’d give anything to be with Kyungsoo like this. Just simply spending time together, eating, and laughing. If he was happy like this, there’s nothing more that I want. His happiness is what matters to me the most.

So I answered his unvoiced question.

“I’m ready for anything, Soo. As long as I get to be with you.”

He smiled at me in the softest way, and sighed heavily. His shoulders relaxed, the tension leaving his body. It was like he was nervous that I might back out. He doesn’t have to worry anymore, because I’ll face all of these head on with him. When I was dying, I was afraid of leaving him alone, and not getting to accomplish all our promises and goals. Everything that happened today just reminded me of how much I want to be with him.

I can take all of it.

We’re gonna make it.

✨ The Star & His First Love

🌟 Story Masterlist

[plastiscguy-blog]

BLACKOUT (Thiam)  Chapter XI: Secrets (Part II)

For Theo Raeken, his life had become an eternal search of truth, despite every step he took meant two steps back. He knew what he wanted, he knew there were too many secrets to unveil, but the problem was, not knowing where to start looking.

The situation was already complicated, thanks to Jessica, who since the incident with Liam hadn’t taken her eyes off her son. She believed that any carelessness would end up ruining her plans. Even if that affected their relationship, which it was getting more and more into a tailspin.

On the other hand, Theo wouldn’t let anyone pull a blindfold over his eyes so easily. He knew that his mother didn’t do anything but for her own good, so he knew that he couldn’t even trust her. And that just lengthened the list. Who could he really trust? He believed in nobody.

“I know you don’t trust me. But at some point, you’ll want to talk, and I want you to know that I’ll be here to listen”  It was what his psychologist had told him on a Wednesday. Theo, following orders from his doctors, had to attend the daily sessions with the specialist who would help to eliminate the blockage that didn’t allow him to remember. However, Theo didn’t trust him either. He knew what his parents were capable of doing with their money, so what would stop his mother to bribe his psychologist? Even the most respectable being in the world had its price.

“I don’t know why I even pay for your sessions,”  Jessica said, driving home. The woman would take her son to each session and then take him home, again. As mentioned earlier, she would never take her eyes off him, and even when she had to work, she knew she could trust that her loyal housekeeper would do the work for her.  “You don’t put effort. You just act like a spoiled child—”

Theo was staring at the window, seeing the blurry exterior.  “If you don’t want me to act like a child, then stop treating me like one.”  And with that, the little conversation was over.

Once at home, Theo continued his daily routine of locking himself in his room after each session, until dinner was ready. What else could he do? His mother had taken away his computer until he behaved more nicely with her, so he couldn’t even surf the Internet. He had already read all the books in their library, so he only could lie on the floor and play solitaire with a couple of old cards.

He still remembered with frustration what had happened just days before. He had been face to face with that boy, Liam. And that seemed to have completely turned his world. He knew they were friends, but nevertheless, he couldn’t help feeling that there was something else, something hidden. Why would Liam have called Jessica? Theo had heard them arguing the night before and the way they both looked at each other could tell that the grudge between them was huge.

Nor did he understand his father. While it was too strange for her mother to agree to him to talk to the man, it was frustrating that Jonathan either did not answer the calls or excused himself saying he didn’t have time to talk. Why had he changed his mind so quickly? Just days before it was Jonathan who, almost, had begged him to speak.

“We have new neighbours.”  A new morning had arrived, and while Jessica was getting ready to go to her company, Marion, the housekeeper, was spying from a corner. Analyzing each movement of Theo.  “I’ve met the guy last night. I think he moved with his cousin.”

Theo read the newspaper with disinterest while drinking his orange juice. Clearly paying no attention to his mother’s comments, he didn’t care what came out of that woman’s mouth, knowing that a lot of it would just be lies.  “Interesting.”  He had forced himself to mention, with irony.

“I’ve invited them to dinner, I think it will be good for us to meet new people.”  Jessica had smiled, looking at herself for the last time in the living room mirror. Theo rolled his eyes, nodding.  “I’ll come early to take you to your session, okay?”

“I won’t go.”  He simply commented, taking a sip of his juice. The toast with butter spread remained intact in the corner of his plate.  "But, anyway, if you come early… maybe we can some spend time together.“  And that, despite sounding suspicious, made Jessica smile.  "That, if you want, or can. It’s not that I really care.”  However, Jessica didn’t even bother to hide her smile.  "Just saying.“  If he spent more time with his mother, it meant Marion wouldn’t be there to disturb him just as only she could do.

"I’ll be here soon, darling.”  Then the woman said goodbye.

Minutes later, Theo was in total solitude, reclining on the lawn of his garden. Marion was in the kitchen, preparing lunch, still peering through the window that looked out onto the garden.

Theo didn’t want to admit himself, but he felt lonely. Even if he had always been a lonely child, he hated being lonely. He no longer only felt a void in his life, he himself accepted to be empty. He didn’t even think he had any purpose anymore. But he knew that he couldn’t give up either, it was just a difficult moment that would get better with time.

“Here you are.”  Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted, thankfully. When he raised his face, looking towards the door, the surprise ran over him, preventing any word from leaving his lips.  “I had to make sure she was really gone. Also, I guess she hasn’t warned Marion about me.”  Scott McCall smiled, approaching his cousin. Theo was speechless. While he remembered Scott as if he had seen him only months ago, the change was impressive. His roguish adolescent face had turned into that of a handsome, mature man. Even his features seemed to have changed. “We don’t have much time,”  he whispered, sitting next to him. Theo was still analyzing every physical detail of his cousin, completely stunned.

“What do you mean? What are you doing here?”  He asked finally. His eyes suddenly widened in size as he saw the big screen of what appeared to be his cousin’s phone. Not even his was so big.  “Holy shit!”  Suddenly, he almost screamed, seeing what looked like a Liam hologram on the screen.

“Quiet.”  Scott laughed, extending his iPad. Theo took it with distrust, watching the recording nervously. When Liam smiled, waving, Theo had to take the device with both hands so he wouldn’t drop it, completely scared.  “It’s a video call,”  Scott commented for his cousin’s information.  “I’ll go to the kitchen, see that Marion doesn’t spy out the window.”

  And getting up, Scott quickly walked away. Leaving Theo with Liam’s only ghostly company behind the screen. Theo didn’t even speak, still seeing Liam with some distrust, who seemed to be trying to find the right words.

They both remained silent, staring at each other’s eyes. Theo didn’t understand the feeling of tranquillity Liam transmitted to him. He was still upset, and despite not being able to hate him, even if he really wanted to, he didn’t understand how that mysterious young man aroused such confused feelings inside him.

“This was the only way I could talk to you,”  Liam said, sighing. Theo nodded, disguising confusion.  "I know how you feel, Theo—

“Really?”  Theo’s tone was completely ironic.  “Do you have amnesia too?”

“No, but I was also lost, once.”  He whispered, trying to hide the pain in his voice.  "I was lost for a long time until I met you. And you never stopped until you showed me the way, you didn’t give up until I finally found myself. You helped me—"  Theo didn’t need Liam to say it again or to swear what he had said. Even with that strange virtual communication, they were both having, Theo could notice the sincerity in Liam’s words. Like he could tell when Jessica was lying.

“So?”  He asked, trying to dismiss it. However, a small flame of curiosity ignited inside him.  “I don’t know you, why should I trust you?”

“I’m not asking you to trust me.”  After a long silence, Liam went on.  “I only ask you to trust yourself. Do not ignore that feeling inside you, that voice in your mind… follow it. Trust yourself more, because only you can solve this, Theo…”

Both, then, kept silent. Theo was still trying to analyze what was happening, stunned. Liam was only resigned to look with affection and melancholy the face of his husband. There were millions of things he needed to scream, but he knew he couldn’t.

Minutes later, Liam said goodbye. He didn’t know what else to say without being inopportune. Theo was surprised to want, in fact, that Liam didn’t leave. Even if none said a word, he didn’t want him to leave.  “Goodbye,”  he whispered, then. Saying goodbye equally. Liam sighed, finishing the call, to lean back on his couch, letting the tears come out, finally.

Theo admired the electronic device for seconds, not knowing what else to do. If he had thought about even the possibility of giving up, after that call, the little ray of hope illuminated more and more. He wouldn’t just not give up, he would definitely start solving those mysterious secrets.

  Scott knew how risky it was to show up at the Raekens house after what had happened years ago, but he loved Liam so much to do nothing, knowing he could help, at least a little. So, when he had received that call for help from Kira, he hadn’t even waited days to catch the first flight as soon as possible.

“Do you think it will work?”  Liam asked, letting the hot chocolate cup warm his body. Definitely, nobody prepared the hot chocolate as good as his husband did. Scott had returned to the loft.

“This has been a big step. Believe me, only you are capable of awakening something in him.”  Scott smiled, thinking how special the relationship that his cousin had with Liam was perhaps the strongest and most special he had seen in years.  "Don’t worry, all this will end soon.“

"I really hope so,”  Liam whispered, laying his face on Scott’s shoulder.  “Thanks for coming, Scottie. Really, I don’t know what I would do without you and Kira.”

“You know I would do anything for you, baby”  Scott clarified, caressing the young man’s face fondly.

    Meanwhile, after Scott left, Theo hadn’t waited to run to his room. Seeing the strange phone charger Scott gave him. Now he only had to find his phone, which he knew was in his mother’s room, but how would he get in and take it? He knew his mother kept her room under keys, and it wasn’t as if he could ask Marion for help. In the course of the day, thousands of plans began to be devised.

“I brought you something, baby,”  her mother had said before the doorbell rang. When opening the gift bag, Theo smiled to see some new clothing. He knew his mother would expect him to dress it for the much-acclaimed dinner with the new neighbours.  "Come on, go change fast. They’re already here.“  And Theo nodded, heading for the stairs, watching his mother walk towards the door.

Theo understood, in a way, that his mother was trying her best. Even if her way of trying it wasn’t the best, he knew she loved him, as much he loved her. So, he only prayed that everything would finish soon because the very idea of not getting along with the most important person in his life was simply devastating. No son should be at war with his mother.

Suddenly, on his way to his room, his gaze quickly turned to the door of his mother’s room, which remained semi opened. His heart began to beat rapidly, unable to believe that the opportunity for which he had prayed so much was only centimetres from his face.

His feet slid slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, praying that neither his mother nor Marion would go up.

"Easy.”  He told himself, as he stretched out his hand, to open the door slowly. Begging it wouldn’t squeak, even knowing it wouldn’t.  "Damn…"  he mumbled to himself, seeing how changed his mother’s room was. It was like being in a brand new place, it seemed even bigger than he remembered, so starting his search could be more difficult than he had imagined.

Where to start? He didn’t have much time either. Quickly, he went to the closet in the corner, rummaging to find the small compartment, where his father used to keep his gun. With a smile, he slid his hand through the hole, to take between his fingers the phone he recognized as his own. However, there was something else there. His smile was suddenly erased, giving rise to an expression of total seriousness and concentration, trying to pull out what seemed to be a plastic object smaller than his phone. His face contracted as he extracted what he recognized as a USB drive. The words written on a paper on the back of the pen drive made his heart beat faster. “Tara?” He whispered, feeling a strange sensation of grief in his chest.

“Theo?”  He heard suddenly, at the door. His hands slid quickly into his pockets, hiding both devices, and then he stood up again. His heart was beating too hard it hurt.  “Theo.” The woman called again, smiling with strange joy.

Theo, despite having been caught, smiled. Feeling confusion at the woman that although he didn’t remember, her name left his lips as if it were an uncontrollable vomit.  “Malia.”

[quaymorris]

Album: Circus

Release Date: November 28, 2008.

This is where the completion of the Holy Trinity gets fuzzy. Some considered this to be the third part. I think that’s a gotdamn lie and they know it.

This album is considered to be her official comeback, which is weird because she didn’t go anywhere. Sure, she was off in rehab for a minute and now she’s under a weird conservatorship, but like, this album came out about a year after all that. Blackout and its singles charted fairly well and this album did even better. So I don’t get that “comeback” nonsense.

Circus is Britney’s fifth #1 album and isn’t nearly as tight as Blackout, but it’s a valiant effort nonetheless.

Time to go to the circus!

Womanizer | 8 /10

This is probably her best lead single of them all. If Toxic had been a lead single off the In The Zone album, it would've won easily - but it wasn't so Womanizer takes the throne. This follow-up to Toxic doesn't hit as hard as I want it to, but it's fun enough and the video is hot. What a comeback.

Circus | 9 /10

This is one of my favorite songs ever and is an absolutely amazing pop production. As you can probably tell by now, I love it when Britney demands all eyes on her. Just when I thought Brit might be done with the music industry forever (or turn up dead tbh), she dropped one of the best songs of her career.

Out From Under | 7.5 /10

This song doesn't get enough praise. She was angry about the end of her marriage to K. Fed on Blackout, but with this album she comes across as more introspective. Sad but in a "I'm moving on" kind of way. I also love them breathy vocals. 

Kill The Lights | 6.5 /10

This is a follow-up to Break The Ice and it isn’t nearly as good, but it’s a solid effort nonetheless. Also we got another weird animated music video. Anyways, remember the controversy over Danja declaring her the "queen of pop"? Madonna fans and music critics nearly lost their collective minds. This song gets an extra .5 for the opening + first verse alone: You don’t like me / I don’t like you / It don’t matter / only difference / you still listen / I don't hafta. Tell em, queen!

Shattered Glass | 6 /10

A lot of people say this song sounds unfinished. I get it, but I like this track. In fact it was the first non-single song I was into. That being said, looking back at it now it is a fairly generic pop song.

If U Seek Amy | 6.5/10

This song is a little try-hard for me. I never found the double entendre to be amusing at all. Otherwise I think it's a good song. The music video gives its rating an extra boost tbh.

Unusual You | 9 /10

This is one of the best songs of Britney's career. Cardi B agrees. Another one I heard while working a mall job, I could listen to an album full of songs like this from her all day. The production and vocal effects are ingenious. Synthesizing overload, but in a very, very good way.

Blur | 7.5 /10 

I love it when Britney sings about hook up sex. It's never too slutty sounding - in fact, the lyrics and her delivery make the story mimic real life situations imo.

Mmm Papi | 5 /10

What was the theme to this album? It was supposed to be a circus or something, right? I think that's one of the reasons this never made my top 3, ESPECIALLY after Flawless Fatale was released. This song is a bit of a bop, though.

Mannequin | 5 /10

Eh. I mean, what is this seriously? This isn’t terrible (and honestly it grows on me with each listen), but we're definitely getting into my least favorite part of the album. 

Lace And Leather | 5.5 /10

I think Freakshow did this whole thing better, but this one’s cute. One thing that irritates me is the baby voice. I've never been a big fan of it once she wasn't, ya know, a child anymore.

My Baby | 2 /10

I'm only giving this a 2 because she wrote it for her babies, but we all know this is a really bad song, right?

Rock Me In | 7 /10

This song is the direction Circus the album should've taken. After the gritty darkness of Blackout, some lightheartedness would've been understood. The rock influence and spacey vocals make this song an easy listen, in a good way.

Phonography | 6.5 /10

How are the bonus tracks more cohesive than the standard edition songs? I think this is a good transition from RMI and her voice sounds so clean! I love the tricks producers do with her voice, but my favorite is still hearing Britney.

Trouble | 7.5 /10

I miss when she sang like this. It just sounds so easy and relaxed. Once again bonus tracks >>> main songs. This sounds like it has some Janet Jackson influence - it's both dance club ready and perfect for listening to in the car.

Amnesia | 4.5 /10

This doesn't sit with the best of the bonus tracks, but it's not terrible. She sings like her voice is stuck in that weird high register and it just sounds fake and forced to me.

Quicksand | 6 /10

This song reminds me so much of another one I've heard, but I can't place it and it's driving me crazy! I'm not as big of a ballad fan as others may be so I love 'love' songs set to a hype beat like this one.

Rock Boy | 2 /10

Now this is a forgettable song, bonus or not. It's just so flat and uninspired.

3 | 8 /10

This song is actually on her second greatest hits compilation, but it sits just as well here.

Usually songs that are as blatant as this one don't really work for me, but this is a bop. The moans work well to take the sexiness to the limit. And she looked hot af in the music video. Another chart topper for Queen Spears! Also, watch the music video. 

U N R E L E A S E D |  L E A K E D  T R A C K S

Strangest Love | 5.5/10

This isn't bad. I would say it doesn't fit the album, but since I don't know wtf she was going for on Circus, this could probably scoot right in between Blur and Mmm Papi just fine.

Abroad |  3.5 /10

This is a bit better than Rock Boy and I think could've replaced it on the bonus tracks, easily. The steady strumming from the guitar gives a softness to the beat and her voice sounds like a throwback to the vocals all over late 90s/early 2000s pop music.

Everyday | 6 /10

Now this one sounds very close to Xtina's Beautiful, which isn't a bad thing. It's one of the best ballads Britney's ever done and it definitely should've been on an album somewhere! I don't think it fits Circus, though. Those vocals - those practically untouched, not auto-tuned af vocals!

Dangerous | 2 /10

Another fairly forgettable pop rock song. Unreleased status deserved.

This Kiss | 5 /10

About the only thing I don't like on this are the vocals. Her voice sounds shaky and unnatural. Is it some vocal effect? It sounds pretty terrible. But this isn't a bad song!

Telephone | 7 /10 Lady Gaga wishes tbh. Those exaggerated vocal effects fucking make this. Idk why she gave up this song.