#and honestly I’ve listened to stuff with one AirPod before

[how-gross]

I lost my left airpod in gonna explode

[pythoness94]

Obscure fanfic recs, the opinion piece, part two.

This one contains relationship advice and analysis so that's like great? I guess? and it's a more serious take then my last one but like. What can I say? this one was darker then the last. So, I hope by reading these you look into the fics yourselves because every single one of these are wonderful. Also, if y'all got a fic you want me to look into like this (which, lets be fr, you probably don't.) let me know and I'll look into it! As always, thanks to @the-aphelion-archives for the recs and let's get into this.

Fic name is "i hate how you’re going through hell, when you’d never let anyone else: by gaysforbyler "

Opening thoughts: Well, this is a fic I’ve read before and starting out. I adore it, this is the EXACT type of Fic I love. I read this fic very often and the author is one of my favs. So let’s GET INTO no?

Fic thoughts: First things first, I love how Will’s mood matches Mike. He’s not perfect but he’s trying and I love that. It matches a real relationship perfectly, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and I KNOW it’s been beaten to death but coming from someone who is in a three year long relationship COMMUNICATION is the best thing you can do. And sometimes, communication isn’t sitting down and spilling your guts like your partner is your therapist. Sometimes communication is just saying you aren’t feeling it, or letting them know you don’t want to do things, saying that you just aren’t okay. And when you can’t say that, you have to find a way to say that. I:e, what Mike and Will do in this fic using examples. “Rollercoasters and concrete.” Also, communication is a two way street. While it’s also a partner's job to talk, it’s also their job to LISTEN. Which Will didn’t do at first, he kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing Mike until Mike broke. This is what I was talking about: how relationships aren’t all sunshine and rainbows, sometimes it’s one person tugging too hard on the rope while the other is just weakly holding it so they fall into the mud. But it’s the person tugging to hard job to drop the rope and clean their partner up, asking what’s wrong and trying to fix it. This is how relationships work and this fic demonstrates that excellently.

Okay so, this is one of the things that signal that you need to pick yourself up and get your head into the fucking game and outside of your pitying spiral ”. “Fuck you” Mike spat out” Now for Will, this was strange for Mike because, as we all know, Mike doesn’t do that to Will. So it was the perfect thing to cuff him upside the head and go “HEY DIPSHIT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR BOY!” Personally, I’ve had things like this with my girlfriend (her getting quiet and snippy with me.) and I’ve been told that one of my tells is me just getting terse and competitive with things that don’t fucking matter. So Will soothing Mike and getting him OUTTA THERE, is good shit. It reminds me of when i get overwhelmed and my girl hands me her airpods. Good shit.

Will is such a good boyfriend in this fic, recognizing that he fucked up and doing his best to listen to him, great stuff. Also, Mike is characterized AMAZINGLY. His depression is portrayed wonderfully (has a person with diagnosed depression, it’s like this a lot for me. Mike is me fr) This is wonderful. The wheeler family…they’re something else. I can ramble all day about their dynamics but that’s for a different post, different time. But I can say that I TOTALLY see Karen doing that, accidently dismissing something really serious due to 80’s bullshit. Mike and Will are SO cute. However, to address the elephant in the room. I love when people talk about the quarry. It’s a…tender… subject not only for me but others in the fandom and I HATE how the duffers brush over it. That kinda shit sticks with you and I don’t like how nobody brings it up. Not only did Mike jump off a cliff, but he did it for Dustin, who was there, and saw him. Honestly? If I was Dustin I wouldn’t let Mike outta my sight. If Dustin was there for season 3 he wouldn’t have let that shit where Mike hit Billy with a pipe and ran at him when he hit Max slide. He would flip his shit and put his foot down so that Mike needs to be more careful. Another reason why I hate it when people make the party hate Mike. That’s not how people react when their CLOSE friends don’t reciprocate another CLOSE friend’s feelings. They don’t all turn on one fucking person, even if they did choose sides it wouldn’t be everybody and their MOM on fucking Mike’s ass, at least SOME would be against Will. Like I said in the past, if you can’t imagine your ST cast being against Will in this situation or ANY situation but then turning on Mike with a finger snap is totally reasonable then your characters are OOC.

I have some great feelings about the ending. Will recognizes that he can’t handle Mike’s issues alone and guides Mike into letting him tell his mom (AKA a trusted adult.) This is what you should do in this situation. It’s not on YOU to help your partner get better, you’re not their therapist, you’re not their mom or dad, you’re their partner. That’s it, and the only person that can help someone get better is themselves and they will never get better if YOU get worse because you’re struggling to carry the brunt of their problems on your back. Will puts it real good at the end here. “Maybe that’s all Will needs to do. He can be here— offer support, an ear, hugs, anything Mike needs. That’s how he can help. If that’s the case, he has a pretty easy job. There’s nowhere he’d rather be.” This is all you need to be. If someone ever, EVER, threatens to harm themselves or is doing something if you leave them, if someone getting better enterally relies on YOU, then call someone. Their mom, their dad, their siblings. If they are threatening to harm themselves, call the emergency line. The instant they start that shit, call it and ask for a wellness check and explain the situation. That isn’t your job to do, that’s the police’s and your partner's family to do. Do not try and talk your partner down unless you REALLY REALLY need to, you’re giving them exactly what they want. If it gets to the point where they are willing to pull that shit on you, then they need help you can’t give ‘em. Period, dot, end of story. Anyways. 

Will is a great boyfriend here and Mike is just so cute, and so real. Will doing his best to coo and coddle his boyfriend was great, made me feel like my girl was in the room with me lmao. It’s good, it’s cute, and it’s HEALTHY!!! Let’s fucking go.

Final thoughts: I can’t really say anything I haven’t already written, so, great fucking food. Byler was hella cute in this. This is my favorite fic, that’s why it’s so fucking long. I can’t promise the others will be this long but y’know? We’ll see how goes. Onto the next one!

[ontherockswithsalt]

Gday! Hope life's going well for you! I'm wondering if Noble would have any strong opinions on Jamie's current undercover look in BB season 14.

Yessss!!! Thank you so much for messaging me. I was thinking something like this (and it's in Noble's POV!):

It’s nearly three a.m. when I key into the apartment I share with Jamie. After working a closing shift at the bar, this is about my usual hour to arrive home. I’ve gotten used to it. Any job in hospitality will screw with your sleep schedule, but I’ve always been a night owl anyway. Thankfully my boyfriend’s job has that in common with mine and together, neither one of us has a healthy relationship with circadian rhythms. 

One warm lamp shines from back in our bedroom, but otherwise the living room, kitchen, and entry are all dark. After getting rid of my keys, my jacket and shoes just inside the door, I head toward the lamp in the living room but stop short when I hear rustling and movement down the hall.

“Jay?” I call out through the quiet, but all that answers is a click that, if I'm not mistaken, sounds like a magazine being snapped into a pistol. More soft rustling. A zipper being pulled.

My pulse flares hot against my will and I forego the living room light to peer into the open bedroom. 

Jamie stands facing the bed with his back turned to me and my chest deflates a little in relief. I mean, I think it’s him. I recognize his silhouette from behind easily, but the outline of the baseball hat he wears I’ve never seen before, and when he doesn’t answer my Hey from the doorway, I have to squint in confusion. When I see from behind that he is indeed chambering a bullet in his nine millimeter, I can’t help but angle a step back. 

He holsters the weapon at his waist, then reaches for a phone that I don’t recognize and when he does, I notice the black ink tattooed on his hands. The hell? 

But that is his ass in those jeans, I have no doubt, so I don’t know what to think.

I move into the room a few steps closer. “Yo–”

Finally, he turns, the AirPod in his ear proving he didn’t hear me the first time. Oh shit– I damn near attempt to tackle the dude looking back at me before I realize it’s Jamie with an actual beard that changes the look of his whole face.

But then that damn smirk surfaces along the dark fuzzy plane of his jaw and there’s no mistaking him. “Hey baby,” he casually greets me, as if he doesn’t look like a borderline psychopath.

“What the fuck?” I exhale and grab the open edge of his jacket to pull him closer to me. “I was about to knock you out thinking someone had broken in.”

Jamie pulls the earbud out and leaves it on the bed. “Sorry. I was listening to some notes on my case. They wanna pull me in tonight,” he tells me. “Knock me out, huh?” he chuckles, reaching up to take off his hat before he tosses it with the rest of his stuff. “Let’s see it.” Then with fists at the ready just below his clear green gaze, he weaves a little in front of me.

I fake a jab up high before I get one in lower, right at his hip, then grab him at his ribcage to haul him into me. “So this is the final product, huh?”

With the arch of an eyebrow, Jamie attempts to glance up at himself. His typically short, neat hair has enough length now to be combed back and styled and it’s honestly… strange how different it makes him look. He’d been preparing for this assignment for a while and the inbetween stage of growing his facial hair had been very amusing to me. For the last several weeks, he had still looked like himself, but more like he pulled an all-nighter in college writing a paper, not this hardass slimeball he’s morphed into once the full look was put together.

“I told you I could grow a real beard,” he boasts, a serious line pinching between his brows before he offers me a smug little smile.

“See?” I scratch my fingers there along his face. “You can accomplish a lot in three months–”

“One month,” he insists. “It took four weeks. And I even had to trim some here–” he gestures to his chin. “To even it out.”

“Mm,” I hum, narrowing my gaze to humor him. “You sure did–” My teasing is cut off by my own scoff when my eyes fall and I tug away the hood at his neck. “What is this tattoo?”

“There’s another.” Jamie turns his head to look the other way offering me a view of each side of his neck decorated with a slithering black ink trail of a hissing snake.

“Sick,” I breathe out a stunned laugh as my gaze follows the detail. “I definitely hate it.”

He chuckles. “You’re supposed to hate it, Noble. I’d be concerned if you were really into it.”

“Well hang on a sec.” I urge him closer to me and drag my thumb at the edge of his shirt collar, peeling it down enough in search of more. There at his collarbone is the tattooed hilt of a sword, pointed down as if the blade pierces into his skin. “How carried away did they get with you?” I wonder.

Jamie looks down between us and pushes the hem of his shirt up his chest enough to show another – this one a knotted, Celtic looking brand right on his smooth pec.

“Oh-ho ho,” I utter a low, dark laugh and can’t help but touch it. “You’re a bad boy.”

“You like it a little,” he whispers. “Just say it.” His lips twitch playfully just before they capture mine. 

He lets go of his shirt to steady my head, but my hand’s still on him and I squeeze the firm muscle of his chest. The soft bristle of his hair tickles my lip. I swallow the slight moan of his, kissing him harder with an urgency I didn't realize I was harboring.

I knew any day now he'd be going deep undercover on an assignment he's been prepping for. Deep and risky to the point where I'd probably go days, maybe weeks, at a time without seeing him. 

We've been trying to find extra time together leading up to the case. Recently, we took off on a long weekend getaway to Miami where I knew Jamie could let himself fully relax. Miami has always managed to bring out a side of Jamie that's uninhibited and sexy as hell and we spent the weekend in a gorgeous hotel room near the beach, all over each other and only managing to put clothes on when public decency was necessary.

A needy groan rattles in my throat as my kiss starts to slip away. I hold him to me, keeping my eyes closed as my touch traces his heart.

“You leave tonight?” I check.

Jamie nods against my temple, his scruff prickling my skin. “I have a briefing with my Lieutenant and then my unit’ll have me moving into location after that.”

I drag in a deep inhale through my nose and ease back to look at him. I can't help but exhale a soft laugh through my nose at his drastic appearance. But of course it's still him when his gaze softens on me and he takes a moment to trail fingertips across my hair.

I swallow, sliding my hand down his side beneath his shirt. “Well I know how you get when you're undercover, so be careful alright?”

A gradual smile pulls at Jamie's cheek. “Yeah? How do I get?”

With an innocent glance aside, I clear my throat. “I mean, last time you had one simple assignment–”

“Uh-huh…”

“And you wound up falling in love with me, and saving my life and all this kinda shit when I was just innocently minding my business.”

“Damn,” Jamie whispers. “Rookie mistake, I guess.”

I shrug. “Well I was very distracting. Who could blame you?”

“You were very persistent.”

My eyebrows jump and with my free hand, I reach up and scratch his jawline once more. “For you? Yes I was, and always will be.”

[raineydays411]

The best of friends

Peter Parker x Stark! reader

A/n: Hello! So this time the reader is going to be black! If y’all wanna like...request for a reader to be an ethnicity or race you can, I’ll do my best to write for it 💕

Summary: Peter Parker is your best friend. In fact he’s one of your only friends. So it’s needless to say things get a little complicated when you fall in love with him and he’s in love with another girl. 

Warning ⚠️: Oblivious Peter, sad reader, love triangles

This fic was inspired by @cherrytholland and their silence series, YALL need to check it out!

You never had many friends. It’s alway been that way, ever since you remembered. 

Being a Stark meant that you were constantly in danger, especially after your dad became Iron Man. So you were homeschooled. It was pretty easy, ever since the Avengers moved in, Bruce and Tony took turns teaching you everything you needed to know. So there was no need for you to go to school.

But you were lonely. Yes, you were surrounded by the team, but they were all so much older than you. Wanda and Pietro were the only ones closest to your age not only were they still way older than you, they hated your dad for a long time so there was a small tension there. 

You spent time with your dad, hell he was your best friend, but a girl can only spend so much time with her father. Bruce was too scared to hang out with you. Steve treated you like a toddler. Sam and Bucky were fun to be with but then Steve will join and then they all act as if you’re a baby. Natasha is great to go to for advice but she rarely had time to talk with you, Clint was a whole father. And Thor, he was hardly on earth. 

That's when Peter Parker came into your life. He was the first person on the team who was your age. You and he quickly became friends, bonding over your shared interests in Star Wars and being the youngest in the Avengers HQ. 

When you first met him, you were really shy. As said before, you rarely had the chance to talk to anyone your age. If you did, it was most likely the child of another business owner at some fancy party. So becoming friends with Peter was definitely an experience. You remember the day you two became friends.

**Flashback**

You really weren’t expecting to meet Peter. Hell, you didn’t even know that he was supposed to be coming over. So,when you walked into the common room, wearing someone else’s tee shirt and a bonnet, you were shocked to see a boy next to your dad staring at you.

“Oh, Y/n! I may have forgotten to mention I was showing Peter around...” Tony said as he noticed you were sort of unprepared for a visitor.

“ yeah that would have been good to know” you say glaring at your father.

“Well then, Peter this is my daughter Y/n, Y/n this is Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man”

“H-hi! It’s nice to meet you!” Peter stuttered as he put out his hand. You smiled shyly as you took it

“It’s nice to meet you too” you said quietly, taking your hand back and looking at the floor. An awkward silence fell upon you three. Then Tony cleared his throat

“I’m gonna ignore that little awkward thing. Y/n!” He looks at you with a gleam in his eye, “Maybe you can show the kid around, it would be nice if you knew someone your age.”

“DAD!” You shout, embarrassed he basically set you up on a play date, “ I talk people my own age!”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes, “ Talking to those Gothamites during galas doesn’t count.”

“We follow each other on Instagram!”

“Wow, that’s the pinnacle of friendship.” Tony replied sarcastically, “ show the kid around.” 

You sigh as you turn to Peter, who was standing a few feet away awkwardly listening to you and your dad squabble.

“ Alright web head, let’s go”

He looks at Tony, slightly fearful. But Tony only smiles and says, “ Aw a nickname, see Peter she does like you.” Then walks away, leaving you two alone.

Flashback ends ****

Who knew that from that awkward interaction, a beautiful friendship would blossom??

From then on, you and Peter were practically attached by the hip. Every day after patrol, Peter would come over and hang out with you. Whether you’re watching movies, playing video games, or cranking the other Avengers, you and Peter could always be found together. He truly became your one best friend.

Until it became more.

The light hugs he’d give you when he first saw you started to linger, you both sat closer when you were watching movies (practically cuddling), he’d fall asleep on you lap when you stroked his hair.

All this but you both still held on to the notion that you just friends. Well, Peter did.

You were really unexperienced when it came to stuff like this.  This was the first time you ever had a friend, let alone have a crush. It was easier for you to ignore these intimate moments and cling onto the idea that it was just platonic. And you did, up until your dad had the wonderful idea to invite Peters class on a tour of the Tower.

At first you really didn’t have an opinion.

If anything, you were indifferent to the idea of your home being swarmed by teenagers. It didn’t help that Steve convinced your dad that you should be present during the tour. Claiming that “ it’d be good for her to meet more kids her age instead of just Peter.”

Honestly, you had other friends! They just lived in a different city and you rarely talked.

But there you were, standing beside Bucky as your dad went on about the compound and all the nerdy science stuff. You weren’t really paying attention, you had some AirPods in. It wasn’t until Bucky nudged you when you realized that your dad was calling you.

“ Come on up kiddo” he said giving you that Dad™️ stare.

You grin at him, then glare at Bucky as he snickers into his shoulder. You make your way up to where your dad is in the front of the crowd.

“ What am I supposed to be doing” you whisper to your dad. He rolls his eyes and whispers back “ Introduction and answer some questions”

You gulp, you were always good at public speaking . You were a Stark, of course you were. But introducing yourself to your fathers business partners and introducing yourself to your peers was two different things. You eyed the crowd trying to find Peter, you found him next to a chubby boy with an awestruck look on his face and a rather pretty girl who looked like she’d rather be anywhere but here. When you made eye contact with him, he smiled and threw you a thumbs up.

That simple gesture give you all the confidence you needed to introduce yourself

“ Hi, I’m Y/n Stark. I’m seventeen years old and I live here with my dad and the team. Obviously” you say, a slight smile on your face. “ I guess I have to answer questions. But I’m not sure cause I wasn’t paying attention”

The group laughs and a few hands raise, the questions are basic “ what’s it like living with avengers?” “ Where do you go to school?” “Are you single?” Etc etc. After answering, the rest of the team introduced themselves and then split the kids into groups for the tour. You looked for the group Peter was in, finally finding him in Sam and Bucky group. You sneak away from your fathers side and skip up behind the duo. You watch them bicker over where to take their group.

“ What about the gym ?” You say, startling the two men.

“Jesus!!” “Shit!!”

You laugh, watching them dramatically clench their chest. “You’d think as highly trained soldiers you’d be more aware of your surroundings.”

“ haha.” Sam says, “ just for that you’re not allowed to be part of our group”

“ I’ll just find a way to sneak in.” You say with a grin. They roll their eyes and lead the group to the gym. You stay in place as you wait for Peter to walk by. As he does you saddle up next to him.

“Hey web slinger” you whisper in his ear. He jumps at your voice.

“Y/n??!” His voice cracks, “ don’t do that!!”

“Aw come on Pete!” You laugh, “ don’t be such a wuss!”

Then the boy next to him turns, The awestruck look back on his face

“ Your..your Y/n Stark ” he says wide eyed. You smile shyly as you turn to him, remembering where you were.

“ hi, you must be Ned. Peters told me a lot about you” you say in a low voice.

“ Peter talks to you about me” he says in a surprised voice.

“Yeah! It’s really awesome to finally meet you.” 

“ Are you two coming?” Another voice chimes in. You turn to see the pretty girl with a bored expression.

“ Oh, hey” she says noticing you, “ I’m Michelle Jones, but just call me MJ”

“Y/n Stark” you say with a smile. She nods at you and then turns to Peter and Ned.

“ Come on you two, Liz is asking where you are”

“ Liz is asking about me??” Peter says, his face turning red, “ what did she say? Did she mention my name?!”

You watch him in confusion. He never acted like this except when Natasha called him handsome that one time. Then again, if Natasha called you pretty you’d freak out as well.

MJ rolls her eyes and ignored his questions, “ So you live here?” She asks you. Her question startled you as you weren’t expecting to be talked to.

“ Ye-yeah. I’ve been with my dad since I was about two.” You stuttered.

“That’s cool!! What about your mom?” Ned asks.

You smile sadly, “ I don’t know, she’s not around much.” Sensing your sadness, Peter wrapped in arm around you.

“ Cone on guys, quit it with the questions.”

Ned looks at you apologetic and Mj looks away. Then a pretty girl walks up to your group.

“ There you are. Come on you guys, you’re not supposed to split from the group.”

Peter pulls his arm back immediately at her presence. His eyes glaze over as he looks at her with a gaze you can only describe as dreamy.

“He-hey!! Sorry Liz, guess we lost track of time..heh” He rubs the back of his neck as his face turns red. His body tensed up in anxiety but at the same time is slouched. He has a goofy grin that you’ve never ever seen before.

Seeing Peter act so differently around this girl made you feel weird. Your hands were sweaty and your chest filled with anxiety. You felt cold and hit at the same time. There was a sick feeling in your stomach.

“Are you okay?” Mj asked looking at you in concerned.

You were frowning. Ned looked at you with wide eyes “ I’m sorry about mentioning your mom! I really didn’t mean to upset you.” 

You turn to him and smile at his concern for you. “ Don’t worry about it, you didn’t know” you frown again looking at Peter walking with Liz, “ Soo, who’s that?”

“ Oh that’s Liz Allen. Peters been in love with her since like freshman year”

Your heart drops and that sick feelings return. “ Oh really?”

“Yeah, I am surprised you don’t know who that is Peter hasn’t stopped yapping about hersince freshman year.” MJ says rolling her eyes.

“ Peters never mentioned her. Just Ned and you.” You say. MJ hums at that.

“ Thats funny, Peter doesn’t talk about his internship too much. we didn’t even know you two were friends until today.”

Well, if you weren’t hurt before, now you were in absolute pain.

“Oh..really?” You ask, “ it’s probably because I hardly leave the HQ. Peter is the first friend I have here in the city.” You tried to reason, but you didn’t even convince yourself.

Ned and MJ look at you in shock, but before they can say anything Peter comes back to the group.

“ Hey guys! Liz just agreed to hangout with us this weekend!” He says to Ned and MJ, his back turned to you. You’re shocked because you were supposed to go shopping with Peter this weekend.

“ Since when were we hanging out this weekend??”  Mj asks confused with the sudden plans.

“ well...Liz was supposed to go shopping with her friends but they have plans this weekend, and she was really bummed out about it so I said she can hang out with us...” he says quickly.

“ but I thought we were going shopping..” you finally say. Peter jumps and looks at you as if he’s realizing you were there.

“ Oh crap! Y/n I’m so sorry! I completely got caught up with everything!” He apologizes, “ Hey! Why don’t you come with us! You can get to know Ned and MJ some more, and Mr. Stark and Cap will get off your back about talking to people your age”

“ That sound fun!” Ned exclaimed

“ I guess I have nothing better to do” Mj says

You want to decline at first, upset that he forgot about the plans he made with you and you didn’t really want to see him flirt with Liz. But he was looking at you with those brown eyes you love, so you couldn’t say no.

“ sure, I can’t wait..”

You smile weakly. Already dreading the upcoming weekend.

[afriendlyblackhottie]

Ransom Drysdale Must Die (Chapter 2)

Summary: Ransom Drysdale is a serial cheater. The only way to get him to pay for what he’s done is for him to die. Or at least be extremely humiliated. As long as you don’t fall for him.

Pairings: Eventual Ransom Drysdale x black!reader, Ransom Drysdale x Multiple OC’s

Warnings: Swearing. Eventual smut.

(Author’s Note: I was watching John Tucker must die and it made me think of my favorite sweater wearing murder daddy.)

Words: 3.4K

It was true that you didn’t really have much of a life in Boston. Having to move around a lot really affected your people skills. Not that you weren’t a nice person or at least you tried to be, but it became a little difficult to know how to talk to people when you grew up thinking that none of it would matter in a few months. 

Your mom had called you asking for you to visit which you hadn’t done since college. You weren’t even sure what state she was in now. Hell for all you know she’d given up completely and moved to a different country. Besides you didn’t really have the space to host someone. Not that your apartment was too tiny for company, but your mom didn’t pack lightly despite being a nomad. 

She’d talked to you as you drove to work. Telling you about another guy that she’d met that she was sure was the love of her life in whatever new place she was in. As much as you wished you could tell her to stop, all you could do was listen and mhm on occasion. 

The Ransom Drysdales of her life were going to keep doing what they do to her and whatever woman they could get their hands on. You just wished she’d make better choices so she didn’t get hurt.

You felt a little bit of relief as soon as you’d arrived at work. Talking to her always made your stomach turn now which you hated, but there didn’t seem like there was much you could do. You kind of understood. She didn’t want to spend the rest of her life alone. Except since she’d jumped around so much she’d kind of made you want to.

You went through the employees entrance stopping at the breakroom to put your stuff away. “Hey,” Andy the assistant golf director greeted you. You didn’t really see him much, but he was always friendly when your paths would cross. He was a really handsome guy, super nice. 

You shoot him a small smile as you close your locker. “Hi,” you said. 

“So, did you hear? Harrington’s on a good one,” he said. “Something about the yoga studio that most of these women go to had to shut down.”

You raised an eyebrow. “What? Damn.”

“I know. Today has been something else.” He chuckled, shaking his head. “Gonna have a lot of pissed off fitness gurus all over the place.”

“Just what I needed in my life.” You sighed. “Well, I better get in there before Harrington rips my head off.”

“Good luck,” he said. 

“You, too.” 

Just like Andy had warned you Harrington was on a good one. You walked into the clubhouse dining to see him chewing one of the other waitresses out, causing her to burst out into tears. You gritted your teeth because it was hard to watch. 

“Jesus Christ, what happened?” You whispered to Britt.

She shook her head. “Well, there was an emergency shut down at the Porter’s Studio which means they’re all coming here which would be fine, but Vida has to combine two classes into one each session.”

You raised an eyebrow. “What? What happened?”

“Apparently Ransom’s amazing good looks,” she started, exaggerating her tone, “made her swoon so hard that Lucy had a misstep on the stairs and she proceeded to totally eat shit.”

You gasped, covering your mouth. “No!”

“Oh, yes. I barely missed all the action.” She pouted in disappointment.

“Is she okay?”

“She’ll be fine, but Harrington had to send her home for the day.”

“Miss L/N, Miss Lin will you mind being useful and getting to your jobs,” he was now turning his fury to them. 

“Yes, Mr. Harrington,” the both of you said in unison, as you suppressed the urge to tell him to fuck off. 

“Actually, Miss L/N, I’ve already assigned you to help out Vida in the yoga studio,” he told you. Of course you’d end up dealing with it. Maybe it was a good thing he trusted you enough to move you between sections.

“Will do, Mr. Harrington,” you said.  

How Vida was still able to keep that zen exterior despite having to take on Lucy’s class and the women that normally went to the Porter’s studio. You weren’t sure if you believe the story about what happened to Lucy, but it was kind of funny to think about. At least she was okay.

You moved everything around on the refreshments table to make it look presentable. This was what he needed you to take care of. At least you’d get to sit all day. 

Vida laid on her mat needing a break before the next class arrived. Dealing with that many of these women at one time was draining. Even if on the outside she hadn’t broken a sweat.

“Ugh, I’m so jealous!” The squeaky voice of a woman said as she walked into the room. “He’s so hot!”

“Shhh, not so loud,” Chloe shushed her as they stopped at the table. “We’re supposed to be keeping it on the low. He doesn’t want his grandfather to find out while he’s redoing his will.” She grabbed a water bottle and a complimentary towel.

“Yeah, but c’mon, Ransom of all people,” she whispered this. “He’s so dreamy.”

Chloe bit her lip. “I know right. And, it’s so different because Jeffrey could never do the stuff we do. It’s insane.” She sighed wistfully.

Your eyes widened as you listened in on their conversation. Was it bad that you were making mental notes to tell Britt after. It’s kind of sad. Closest you’ve gotten to making a friend and you’d managed to bond over the scandalous shit rich people do. 

“You lucky ass bitch I swear.” Her friend laughed as they walked over towards the back of the class.

You weren’t going to lie. You were kind of curious as to what else they were saying as you tried to listen in. You were honestly so fascinated by this whole ordeal. 

Your attention on Chloe and her friend was cut short when Marissa walked in. You didn’t know this many of these girls took their yoga classes here. You scrunched up your face as she went to the last spot in the front of the class to unroll her mat. 

“I already told you, Baby. We can do it later tonight.” She twirled a piece of her hair around her finger as she stopped at your table, her Airpods in each ear. Chloe had come up beside her to grab another water bottle glaring at the other woman as did so. “I can wear one of those sets you like if you promise to do that thing I like.”

Your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest seeing them this close together. God you had so much to gossip about. 

Just as the two of them had went to sit down, Amber walked in with her two friends on each side. Holy shit. There really was no way for you to expect this. You know maybe it was a good thing you were always the first one Harrington moved in between sections.

Finally the class had started. You were only half paying attention as Vida had doing warm-ups. “Alright, ladies, give me a nice deep breath and then....” she breathed out dramatically, “exhale.”

This went on for a minute and to be honest listening to her soft commands were making you sleepy. Everyone was following her directions as she broke her own pose to walk around to help help someone who wasn’t stretching deep enough. 

As she had them grab the small yoga balls next. You loved yoga. Yoga was relaxing. You’d rather watch paint dry than watch other people do yoga and yet here you were. 

“Ow! What the fuck, Amber!” Chloe shrieked knocking the room out of the peaceful atmosphere. 

Your head snapped up to see what the hell had happened.  Amber shrugged a smile plastered across her face. “Sorry! It slipped!” She replied in a sickly sweet tone.

Chloe rubbed her cheek as her friend came over to look at it. “Are you okay?” The other woman asked.

Right as Chloe was nodding, another ball flew hitting in her face. This time a lot more deliberate making her losing her footing. When she stood up there was this fire in her eyes. “What the hell is your problem!” She yelled at her.

“You’re my problem. Trying to push up on my boyfriend, Bitch!” Not to be outdone, Amber got into the other woman’s face.

“I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about!”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Oh whatever, everyone knows you’re a fucking gold digging whore.”

Chloe’s jaw dropped before slapping the other woman’s face. Your hand went to your mouth. Wow you really really did have a lot to tell Britt.

Amber not to be outdone, retaliated by doing the same. Everyone watched from the sidelines with shocked expressions as things progressed. Marissa was the only one to come over trying to break it up.

Oh god.

“C’mon, guys! Really?” She stood between them. “Fighting over a man. It’s not worth it.”

“There’s nothing to fight about! Ransom is mine!” Amber pointed at herself.

You were pretty sure your heart was going to beat out of your chest now.

It was Marissa’s turn to react now except she kind of looked like she was malfunctioning as she blinked way too many times in one second. “What?” For a minute she kept her cool, clenching her jaw.

Then she grabbed a ball throwing it at Amber’s stomach. “What the fuck!” 

“I’m dating Ransom!”

Boom.

There it was.

Finally.

You stood up trying to get out of dodge as hell was unleashed. Chloe threw a water bottle hitting you in the back, making you fall as Vida also unsuccessfully tried to run.

The wind had been knocked out of you, but you could hear the three smacks that they’d given each other before getting up. They were fucking animals. How good is this guy’s dick for them to be acting like this.

Instead Vida tried to break it up like Marissa had done, but it didn’t really work as Marissa pushed the refreshments table into the four of you before tripping over one of the towels that had fallen and landed on your stomach. 

The three of them tried fighting on top of the two of you when you grabbed the whistle around Vida’s neck to blow into it. The harsh shriek penetrated the air, making them cover their ears. “He’s cheating on you and instead of taking it out on him, you’re beating the shit out of each other!” You yelled.

“Miss L/N!” Harrington walked in red in the face.

Oh shit.

--

You were going to have a giant water bottle shaped bruise tomorrow. Maybe you could write a thank you note to Chloe for that one. Or for all of the various bruises that were given to you by Marissa. At least, Amber hadn’t done any damage to anyone, but them.

You’d been told to clean up this mess as Vida was able to go nurse her wounds. Could you sue? Was that possible? Sue this club and the three of them. Cuz fuck this hurt.

Harrington had chewed you out pretty hard. Of course he’d come in at the right time which must have made him think you had something to do with it even if you’d just been caught in the crossfire. Maybe your mom had a point. It wasn’t all that bad to pack up and move from place to place. Except instead of doing it over men, you could have like a jobs theme or something.

You’d just lifted up the table that had flipped over during the scuffle when Andy came in with a whistle. “Damn. I heard it was bad, but nothing could have prepared me for this.” He looked around with his eyebrows raised. 

“Yeah, it was pretty great.” You sighed puffing out your cheeks.

“What the hell even happened?” He asked, cringing as he saw the cracked mirror that looked a moments away from shattering. 

“Chloe, Amber, and Marissa happened,” you replied, getting down to start gathering the bottles.

“Harrington must have been pissed.”

You laughed. “He was. His face was so red.”

“Did that little vein in his forehead pop out?” He asked with a smirk, raising his eyebrow.

You nodded. “Oh yeah. Looked like his head was going to explode.”

Andy laughed. “Damn. I would have paid to see that.”

“Yeah,” you shrugged, “well I would have paid to not get hit with a full water bottle.”

“No! They did that?”

You nodded. “Yup. I’m going to have one hell of a bruise tomorrow.”

He shook his head, but before he could say anything the three women were escorted into the room with a security guard. There arms crossed and somehow perfect. How the hell did they manage to fix themselves first.

“I better get back.” He half-smiled. “Try not to get caught up in any trouble.”

“I’ll try.”

Security had left for some fucking reason which caused the three to do the expected as they took a seat on their mats which had remained on the floor. You were pretty sure you were about to witness round two, planning an escape plan out of the room this time.

“So,” Amber broke the silence, “I talked to Ransom.” She smirked. “He said he felt bad for you because you’re clearly jealous that we have something special.” She put her hand over her heart. “Something that doesn’t need a label because it’s-”

“Our own unspoken bond,” Chloe cut her off with her eyes narrowed as she rattled off that part of Amber’s speech.

“And,” Marissa took over, “I just love how secure you are and it hurts to hear you question it.”

“Because you’re the only girl for me!” The three of them finished in unison.

The three different expressions on their face was interesting. Amber looked like she was ready to fight someone all over again, while Marissa looked like she was one wrong move from crying, and Chloe looked like she was ready to murder.

Amber clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “He really said the same shit to all of us.” She looked like she was in disbelief. Like she’d been punched in the gut. Or possibly hit in the back with a water bottle. Or maybe smacked in the stomach with a yoga ball.

Chloe huffed. “Okay, so what? He gives me the same lines he gives you guys and then hooks up with m-” she started in on a rant until Marissa cut her off.

She shook her head waving her hands to stop her from talking. “Wait, what? You hooked up with him in between that time?” Marissa asked with an eyebrow raised.

“It was in his car!”

Amber guffawed. “Like a fucking high schooler during homecoming?”

“As if that makes it better?” Marissa laughed sarcastically.

Chloe glared at the other women with her lips puckered. “We share an unspoken bond,” she retorted. “Besides weren’t you all oh yeah baby I’ll wear that set you like, like two hours ago?”

“Oh, I’m sorry that I have sex in a bed like a normal adult,” she argued back.

Amber coughed. “Boring.”

You didn’t mean for that snort to come out, but it did. Then their attention snapped to you. Three very intense eyes were on you. “Excuse you?” Amber challenged you, her head tilted to the side.

You cleared your throat as you picked up the balls. “Sorry.” 

“If you have something to say, say it,” she pressed. God she looked angry. Not that you could really blame her. If you were in her position you’d probably be ready to go off at any little thing. Of course you didn’t want her going off on you again.

You opened your mouth to say something before closing your mouth again and second guessing it. “You know what. No it’s none of my business,” you replied. You didn’t need to get mixed up in their drama again.

“Just say it,” this time it was Marissa who was trying to get it out of you. Chloe wasn’t saying anything, but you could tell she was daring for you to say something.

You licked your lips before groaning. “Okay, ummm,” you took a deep breath, “does he always call you pet names? You know. Baby, sweetheart, honey.” You rattled off. “Yeah it’s not out of affection.It’s so he doesn’t mix up your names. And, he’s all about that unspoken bond or something special, but never ever about a relationship.  And, then he'll make this whole arrangement feel like it's your idea so feel guilty that he cheated because this is something he really wanted.”

Amber scoffed throwing her head back. “Oh my god! You’re dating Ransom, too.”

“No. He doesn’t mess around with the help,” Chloe said.

You raised your eyebrows. “Okay that was rude, but no. I’m not. I’ve just dealt with someone like him.”

Marissa pursed her lips, looking down at the ground now. “He does always make me feel guilty,” she reflected.

“I guess I feel like if a guy was making me feel like that, I’d-”

Amber cut you off, rolling her eyes. “Yeah you’d break up with him blah, blah, blah.”

Chloe scoffed. “As if he wouldn’t get a new girlfriend in like five seconds.”

“Which is why I wasn’t going to say that. If it were me dealing with a man like him, I’d get even.” You shrugged, finally picking up the last bottle of Evian which had rolled over to the other side of the room.

“Wait, who are you?” Chloe asked.

Before you could answer, Harrington had stomped back in right as the mirror shattered. The three women stood up screaming from the noise as you covered your mouth. Yeah wonderful timing.

“Y/N!” He yelled. “Get your shit and get out. You’re fired.”

You weren’t really shocked. At least your last day was memorable. Normally you would have went in there to clean things up. Except it didn’t feel worth it. You’d been caught up in enough fights for the day and al you wanted was to pop open a bottle of wine and drink until you puked.

The three of them only watched as you walked out. As if this wasn’t their fault. You could always get another job, but it still felt shitty. Unlike Amber and Marissa you didn’t have rich parents to fall back on. While Chloe also had her deceased husband’s fortune to get her through. Why were they even doing all of this over a man like Ransom. They could have anyone they wanted.

You hated job hunting. It was so stressful and annoying. You were surprised you’d even landed this gig. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, though. At least you wouldn’t have to deal with Harrington.

“I can’t believe he’s letting you go.” Britt shook her head.

“I know.” You sighed. “It wasn’t even my fault.”

She shrugged. “It’s not like you told Ransom to be a serial cheater.”

“Is it bad that I almost feel bad for them?” You didn’t want to. All of them could have left him today and find new boyfriends in an hour and yet no one deserved what Ransom was doing.

“Don’t forget to text me, okay? If you need anything I’m so there.”

You smiled softly. “Thank you.”

One of the security guards walked in ready to escort you out. The two of you rolled your eyes. “Alright, we’ll talk later. I need you to tell me everything.”

“I will.”

As you were walking out Ransom was talking to some girl at the front desk. You glared at him, not that he noticed. Not like he was paying attention anyway because apparently Ransom didn’t care about the help. 

Fuck that guy.

When you’d finally gotten to your apartment, you showered and changed just wanting to wash the day away. The soreness had started to settle into your muscles. 

You tried watching TV with your glass of wine in hand, but all that did was make you think about the impending doom of not having a job. So you found yourself doing what you normally did when things were shitty. 

You’d gotten lost in the soft blues so easily as your brush sweeped against the canvas. You weren’t really sure what you were going for, but at least you felt a little better.

As you took a step back to see what was missing there as a knock on the door. You groaned going to look through the peephole and your jaw dropped seeing Amber on the other side. 

[woodchoc-magnum]

Lone Star 2x11 Hate Watch

I nearly forgot about it this week, whoops

Disclaimer: Don’t read this if you like the show, simply go about your business and have a great day

oh no owen is being arrested oh nooo

is it for being a crime to this show

is he going to hit on Dr Jacobs now?

"is there a complication?" tk asks in a monotone

Oh no he's off work for a month? What will the other firefighters do at an emergency if rob lowe is not there to do it all for them?

"it's like two fortnights?" yeah… that's exactly what it is dude

A fortnight is two weeks

So two of them is… a month.

Captain Judd!

Yessss captain judd

No masks

Not a single mask on anyone

"the Serena Williams of firefighters?" fucking seriously

What if she was on camera like that and then they lose this car? She's gonna look like an asshole

Yo 100% the husband dies I'm calling it now

He's definitely dying

I FUCKING CALLED IT

Yo that's HUBRIS

That's why you don't brag to the cameras y'all

Damn that poor bastard what a way to go

This reminds me of when Bobby was under investigation in season 2 of the OG and they all kept coming around to his house and annoying the shit out of him while he was trying to plan his wedding

BILLY? BILLY BURKE?

BILLY BURKE!!!!!!!!

Yo he was in this show called Revolution that I watched because a) Billy Burke and b) Elizabeth Mitchell and I fuck I shipped him with Liz Mitch SO HARD

It's weird to me that everyone thinks of him as the dad from Twilight because I have legit seen him in everything but that

What happened to his lightning strike scars? That was my favourite part of Season 1

So I'm calling it early and saying that Billy Burke is the arsonist because why else would they bring him back, and he doesn't like Rob Lowe

Oh the gays are hosting a dinner party

You know what shits me? Lone Star has these scenes of the team playing board games and in the OG we waste a whole episode about Josh and Sue – yes I'm still dirty but they can make it up to me with this week’s episode

I suppose in Lone Star they're all single? And young? I really shouldn't complain, I don't want the OG to be more like Lone Star let's face it

Yeah she's going viral for acting like a moron in front of the cameras at the scene, that's why you don't do that fucking shit

Look I like Marjan but come on

Interesting choice of Rolling Stones song

Wow this Rob Lowe montage is so great

Am I the only one who thinks Airpods look dumb

God this Rob Lowe montage has been going for hours

Wow he's potting a plant, and painting, and putting a puzzle together, this is so fucking interesting, thank god they've dedicated this portion of the episode to it. How else would I know what Rob Lowe was doing while he was stuck at home by himself?

The chick who works at the juice bar is a better actor than Ronen

Oh no this looks like the work of the arsonist (Billy Burke)

Thank god Rob Lowe was there right

YOU'RE NOT THE CAPTAIN RIGHT NOW

God what a fuckhead

"126! Give 'em hell!" ugh what a douchebag

How am I only 23 minutes in

I feel like I've been watching for ten hours

Yeah how did you arrive five minutes before everyone huh? I feel like that app he's been listening to is probably illegal

Owen is doing nothing to help his case here

This guy 100% thinks Owen did it and you know what I think he's onto something and I think they should arrest Owen and put him in jail

Also I'm going to say that rob lowe dyes his hair and has had some cosmetic surgery just saying

Honestly I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for Marjan here

It’s just kind of in bad taste for a firefighter to be bragging about how awesome they are. I know social media is her whole deal but… it's pretty uncool

Is it just me or is Judd looking extra handsome in this episode?

Oh great and now we're at a nice dinner and they're talking about Rob fucking Lowe again? WHO CARES

THE ROB LOWE PLOTLIONES ARE ALWAYS THE WORST FUCKING PLOTLINES

He even looks like a creep in that grey hoodie

Oh my god he's been off work for a fucking week? Like I don't get this?

I would love to have a week off work to just stay in my house and be chill

He's talking to Billy Burke about the arson and Billy Burke is in fact the arsonist

Yo doesn't Carlos' house burn down at some point? DOES BILLY BURKE BURN DOWN CARLOS' HOUSE?

I really love Billy Burke and I'm glad they brought him back to play the bad guy; he was the bad guy in The Closer and it was great

He's explaining all this to Billy Burke, who in fact already knows this, because in fact he is IN FACT the arsonist

Also the fact that Rob Lowe has gone out and bought all this stuff just makes him look guiltier

I ship it though, Billy & Owen? Ship name Billwen or Owlly – no we're definitely going with Owlly

Stage 3 cancer, lost his job, got struck by lightning, didn't get the captaincy at the 126 – the man has nothing left to lose. He's the arsonist

Marjan IS a showboat and most of the time it's fine but before a rescue it does exhibit a lot of hubris and that's not a good thing

And that video didn't make her look great

And she needs to go to McKenna and apologise for being a dick

GO AND APOLOGISE

Fucking APOLOGISE

YES YOU SHOULD

Oh good she listened to me

Paul's a babe just saying

She posted a suicide note and no friends or family went to help her? That's pretty fucking depressing

Jesus this is a bit graphic

Wow this is very graphic

"This was clutch" COME ON FUCKING REALLY?

Oh yeah it's so fucking cool being a badass

Ugh this show is so stupid

How does this still have three minutes to go?

"Oh my god I FORGOT THE LIMES" it is the END OF THE WORLD

Why is he in his goddamn fucking arson hoodie again?

He is without a doubt the dumbest mother fucker who has ever dumbed in the history of BEING DUMB

I mean say what you want about Bobby jumping into a dumpster but I have to think that Bobby Nash would know better than to act like a suspicious fucking SUSPECT IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARSON INVESTIGATION WHEN THEY ALREADY SUSPECT YOU OF BEING THE ARSONIST, OWEN!

You dumbfuck

0/10 shittiest episode ever, everyone except Judd, Grace and Tommy are stupid

AND OH MY GOD TK WE FORGOT THE LIMESSSSS OH MY GOD END OF THE WORLLLLDDDD

three miserable fucking episodes to go

Diaz to cleanse:

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Flatbush & Atlantic: part x

part i part ii part iii part iv part v part vi part vii part viii part ix

And we’ve finally come to the end of Cass and Mat’s story! I want to thank every person who’s read this over the past few months, especially those of you who have reblogged, commented, and shared this with your friends. Your feedback means the world to me, and please tell me what you think of this final part! I’ve also got some ideas floating around for an epilogue, so don’t be surprised if that pops up in the next few weeks.

part x

May 21 (fri)

For once, it wasn’t Cass’ alarm that woke her up. Her internal clock didn’t let her sleep in past 6, but as she lay in her bed, comforter pulled up to her chin and curls up in a haphazard messy bun, a realization struck her. She didn’t have anything to do, and that was just about as far from normal for her as possible. Normally, she’d be hopping in the shower at this time, getting out and shoveling some cereal down her throat before running to catch the train, or desperately trying to finish some last-minute reading before an early lecture. Her grandparents’ flight didn’t land at JFK until 1, and she wouldn’t need to leave until an hour before that to get Mat and drive to the airport. 

Padding out to the kitchen, she just caught Ryanne, who was about to leave for a clinical rotation. “What department are you in this month?” Cass asked.

“OB/GYN,” Ryanne responded. “I got to observe a birth the other day, and it was one of my favorite things I’ve gotten to do so far. Obviously I don’t know for sure yet, but I think I might want to match into it. You get to do a little bit of everything — there’s some surgery, some routine care, some deliveries. And with the Black maternal health crisis, I figure we need all the Black OBs we can get as a country.” 

Cass smiled. “That’s wonderful, I’m glad to hear.” She knew that Ryanne had been a little stressed out with the prospect of trying to pick a residency; she hadn’t felt drawn to any of the other rotations she’d gone through quite like this one. 

“What about you? What’s your schedule like today?” Ryanne asked as she poured coffee into her travel mug. 

Cass flopped down on the couch, looking over at her. “It’s just...I have nothing to do. Nothing needs to get done. No cases to read, no essays to finish, no paperwork to file or anything. Chris gave me this week off for finals anyways, so I couldn’t even go into the office if I wanted to because there’s just nothing for me to do. Do you know how rare that is for me?”

Ryanne laughed. “Cass, I’m in med school. The last time I had a true ‘off day’ was two weeks ago, and even then I spent most of it studying.” She slung her backpack over one shoulder. “See you tonight, have a good day, babe!”

After some toast and a smoothie, Cass was back on the couch, trying desperately to think of something to do. She thrived on being busy, thrived on feeling like she was needed and contributing to something worthwhile. Pushing herself up, she walked back to her room, deciding to change and go out for a run. Cass liked to keep in shape and exercise as often as she could, even though it had been a few years since she had been on an organized sports team. She was usually able to make yoga classes at the school gym twice a week, but typically didn’t have the spare time in the mornings for a run. And by the time she got back it was almost always dark, way too late to even think about going out alone. 

Lacing up her tennis shoes and grabbing her AirPods and keys, she set out, down the stairs and past the door. As she jogged down the streets, making familiar turn after familiar turn, Cass realized something remarkably profound. Every place she passed had played a part in the last three years. St. Lucy’s, where she had stumbled in with inconsolable tears after her abuelo’s stroke, lighting a candle and praying with some old Italian woman for his recovery. The bodega on the corner run by Carlos Gonzalez, one of the first people she met when she moved to the city and the only one who knew how to smoosh her sandwiches down how she likes. The Edible Arrangements where she, Stella, and Ryanne had bought Alicia a congratulatory fruit bouquet for finally asking out her coworker Juliette. They had been dating for six months. The high school she passed every morning on her way to the subway station. These were the people and places that had made her life what it was, and she owed them her thanks. 

An hour and five miles later, Cass decided to call it quits, walking the last few blocks back to the apartment as a sort of cool-down. She jumped in the shower, throwing her hair up in a towel once she got out and resigning herself to watching whatever was on TV. Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives it was, apparently. Four episodes and one snack break later, it was time to get in the car to head over and pick up Mat. Cass drove down Manhattan Island, tapping her fingers in boredom as she hit yet more traffic. It was noon, why was there even traffic in the first place? She pulled into the visitor’s spot in the underground lot of Mat’s apartment complex, taking out her phone. Just got here! Mat popped out of the elevator a few minutes later, holding a bouquet of tulips. “Sorry I’m late, I was going back and forth between tulips and sunflowers for awhile, but I figured the pink was maybe a better choice? What do you think?” Cass started to laugh, and Mat looked offended. “What?”

“Babe, it’s so sweet that you want to impress my grandma, but have you thought about how the poor flowers will fare?”

His brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Cass adjusted her seatbelt, leaning over. “We’re going to be out for awhile. We’re not going straight back to their hotel. So…” she prompted.

“They’ll wilt.” Mat finished, his face falling. 

She covered his hand with her own. “Don’t worry. It’s a sweet gesture and I’m sure she’ll appreciate them. We’re all going out for dinner after the ceremony tomorrow, why don’t you bring them then?” 

He perked up. “I’ll run up and put them back in a vase, be back in a few!” Mat gave Cass a quick peck on her cheek, leaving her with just one question. Mat owned vases? He slid back into the passenger’s seat shortly after, clicking his seatbelt in and connecting his phone to the speakers. 

Cass rolled her eyes. “I don’t know a single guy your age who’s not obsessed with John Mayer. It’s kind of weird, honestly.”

“You don’t like him?” Mat asked curiously. Cass was usually into more guitar-based, acoustic stuff, so he figured she’d be into at least some of his stuff. 

“Some of it,” Cass responded, pulling out of the lot and onto the street. “Go ahead and play it, I don’t mind at all. Not what I’d usually put on if I’m alone, that’s all.”

Mat nodded, looking absentmindedly out the window. “So, what should I know about your grandparents?”

Cass’ face immediately burst into a smile at their mention. It was always so clear how much she loved her family, and that was one of Mat’s favorite things about her. How hard she loved. “Alright, so it’s Dolores and Roberto Cabrera. They’re wonderful people, I genuinely think you’re going to like them a lot. They’re both super fluent in English, so don’t worry about communication. They originally immigrated to Texas when they were in their teens, abuela was a housekeeper at a few hotels in San Antonio and abuelo worked in the fields for awhile before getting a job at a little hardware store in town, where he worked until they retired. My mom’s the middle of four, two older sisters and a younger brother.”Mat listened intently. “My abuelo’s a little more rough around the edges, so don’t be surprised if he gives you  a little bit of a hard time, but it’s not out of malice or anything. He’s always been very protective over us, my mom and her siblings, and now us three. He might do the whole ‘nobody’s good enough for my Cassidy” thing, but he’ll get over it. He means well.” 

She glanced over at Mat, who was looking decidedly nervous. “Seriously, chou, it’s going to be fine. Abuela’s totally different, they’re like polar opposites. I can almost guarantee that she’ll say something to the effect of ‘if my granddaughter loves you, I love you.’ Very much go with the flow, she’ll probably want to come over to your apartment and cook for you.” Her expression softened. “As long as you’re kind and respectful, they won’t have an issue with you, Mat. They’ll see that you treat me how I deserve to be treated and love me like I deserve to be loved.”

Cass pulled into the garage by the international arrivals terminal, cutting the gas and checking the time. “The flight was supposed to land at one, so they should be getting out of passport control by the time we get inside.” It was a little after one thirty, but if there was anything Cass knew, it was just how long customs could take at an airport as big as JFK. Even in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, and even though her grandparents were travelling on their American passports and could use the citizen’s line, she had heard that it could take upwards of an hour or two to get through. 

The concourse was pretty bare apart from a few kiosks selling “I ❤️ NY” shirts and a surprisingly busy Noah’s Bagels, so Mat and Cass made themselves comfortable on one of the rows of plastic chairs lining the room. The arrivals screen had marked their flight from Mexico City as having landed nearly an hour prior, so it was little surprise when Cass popped up from the chair, straightening her shirt and walking over to a couple that he could only assume were her grandparents. Mat quickly followed, catching up to her just as she threw her arms around her grandma. “Abuela, te extrañé,” she said, the sound muffled by Dolores’ scarf. She pulled back, kissing her grandpa on the cheek before stepping over to Mat, one hand placed reassuringly on his back. “Abuela, abuelo, this is Mat, my boyfriend.”

Mat stuck his hand out, shaking theirs. “Mr. and Mrs. Cabrera, it’s so amazing to finally meet you. Cass speaks so highly of you, and she always talks about her summers in Hermosillo.” 

Dolores pulled Mat in, embracing him from the start just as Cass had expected. “Mat, it’s wonderful to finally meet you. Cassidy has told us so much about you, it’s clear she loves you a great deal.”

Mat ducked his head and blushed. “I’m not sure if she can love me more than I love her, but I’m happy to be in such good company.” 

He took both of their suitcases as Cass gestured to the sliding doors. “I want to get back to the car before they charge me for another half hour,” she said. 

Mat slid the bags in the trunk of the car as Dolores got in the passenger’s seat. With a gulp, Mat realized that meant he had to sit next to Roberto. He had been perfectly nice on the walk over, but as Cass had warned him, it was clear that he was a little guarded. Whether that was just his personality or whether Mat had yet to earn his trust hadn’t been determined. 

Her grandparents had been to New York once or twice before, but it had almost always been just to fly in before driving up to visit Cass’ family in Connecticut; they had never really been able to see the city. Cass  felt strongly that that had to change, so she had arranged for a mini-tour of Manhattan before they got dropped off at their hotel for the night. “So, Mat,” Dolores said, turning around in her chair, “Cassidy tells us you’re a hockey player? That must be so exciting, how long have you been playing?”

Mat nodded. “Yes ma’am. I play for the Islanders, so we’re right here in Brooklyn, but I live over in Manhattan. I’ve been playing the sport since I was four or so? Really little. But I just finished my fourth season on the Islanders. And it is exciting, I love being with my team and being on the ice, it’s one of the best feelings in the world.” 

“That must keep you busy, though?” Roberto asked gruffly. 

Mat froze. He couldn’t lie and say that he was home all the time, able to be there for Cass as often as he’d like to, because he wasn’t. But if he let on just how often he was gone, would that make him even more wary? “Oftentimes, yes,” Mat began slowly. “The team’s usually on two or so road trips a month, they’re usually about a week long. But they’re balanced out with plenty of home games, and there’s lots of guys who balance the job with a family and other responsibilities. I’m always excited to be able to be back in New York, I love it here. And to be with Cass.” Roberto nodded, not seemingly totally satisfied but content enough to not push the issue further. 

“He’s really good about spending time with me, abuelo, even though we’ve both got busy schedules,” Cass added, catching Roberto’s eye in the rearview mirror. “We meet in the morning before a class to get coffee, or lunch in between studying if I’ve got time. I go to every game I’m able to when he’s playing here in the city, or over in Jersey. We spend plenty of time together, he doesn’t blow me off. You don’t have to worry.” He seemed much more at ease with his granddaughter’s response. 

It was a whirlwind three hours around New York, Cass playing chauffeur as they went to the top of the Empire State Building — her pick — in St. Patrick’s Cathedral  — her grandpa’s pick — and around Central Park, stopping at one of the many pretzel carts for a snack. They dropped them off at the hotel, Cass’ eyes getting misty as her grandma pulled out the serape stole from her purse. Her fingers danced over the colors, the stripes of red and blue and pink and green, and knowing that it was made by the hands of someone so important to her made it all the more beautiful. The rest of her family was driving in later that night, after Nick got out of school, so everyone wouldn’t be together until the graduation ceremony the next day. 

The couple decided to get takeout on the way back to Mat’s apartment, Mat jumping out of the car to run in and pick up the order while Cass circled the block until he was out. As they sat on the couch, cuddled into each other as they broke into the boxes of Chinese food, Cass thought absentmindedly that Mat handled his chopsticks way better than she ever would have given him credit for. Her grandparents had been on her mind. More specifically, her grandparents and Mat had been on her mind. It wasn’t that she thought he had messed up in any way — she was positive he’d absolutely won over her grandma and her grandpa was slowly but surely coming around — but some lingering concerns about what they might think about their relationship. “I’m not sure that they’d actually care, but when you talk to them tomorrow maybe don’t mention how often I sleep over here? They’re wonderful people, but they’re a little old school about this stuff.” 

“This stuff?” Mat asked curiously. 

“Living together, sex before marriage, that kind of stuff.” 

“And how do you feel about it?” 

Cass raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you think you could ever get me to do something I didn’t want to do? I’m way too stubborn for that.” Mat threw his head back, laughing. “But seriously. I don’t make the decision lightly, because commitment and intimacy in that way is something really big and important to me. You already knew that I don’t do hookups, it’s just not my thing. But I can see this, us, going places. I want us to go places. And I’ve never been very good at listening to people when I don’t want to. So I’ve made my peace that my choices might not be ones everyone would be thrilled with, but it doesn’t really matter to me as long as I have you.” 

Mat nodded, putting down his food to card one hand through her curls. “I get that, I do. Obviously that’s not so much the attitude with a lot of the boys, but your principles are part of what makes you who you are, and I love who you are. Every part of you.” Cass smiled against his neck, leaning down and kissing him on the shoulder. “I want us to go places too, I hope you know that.”

“Glad to hear.”

They ate without speaking for a few more minutes until Mat broke the silence. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” 

“With you,” Cass answered honestly. “Here, or we could get a nice brownstone over in Brooklyn.” 

“Somewhere with a yard,” Mat mused. 

“Yeah, a yard would be nice,” Cass agreed. “I’d like to get a dog, I’ve always grown up with dogs and it would be nice to have someone to keep me company when you’re gone.” Her family’s two dogs, Patches and Scout, were back at the house in Connecticut, and on more than one occasion, Cass had made the two-hour drive up just to see them. She paused, glancing down at her hands. “In five years? You’d better have put a ring on my finger by then, Mat. I’ll be almost thirty. Approaching old maid status” 

Mat laughed, an easy, breathy sort of laugh that somehow erased all of the tension in the room. “I think you should double-hyphen.” 

Cass looked at him doubtfully. “Cabrera-Shaw-Barzal? Yeah, I’m going to have to pass on that one.” 

He shrugged, the corner of his lip pulled up in a half-smile. “Just saying. It’s got a ring to it.”

“Have you given much thought to what you’d want to do with your name when you get married?” Mat asked curiously. It really didn’t matter much to him, since it would ultimately be Cass’ decision, but he didn’t want to assume anything regardless. And it didn’t escape Cass that he said when, as if it was certain, as if it was a given. The surety made her heart flutter. 

Cass shook her head. “Not particularly. On one hand, I do like the idea of the whole family having the same name. It seems nice. Unified. But I don’t want to feel like I’m erasing my culture and who I am just because I’m getting married. And all due respect, chou,” Cass poked Mat’s cheek, “but Cabrera Shaw’s the name on my degrees. Cassidy Barzal didn’t go to law school.”

“Very fair,” Mat said with a chuckle. 

Cass took a deep breath. If it seemed like they were having the “future talk,” she figured it was best to go all in. “Do you want kids?” she asked, tentatively, hesitantly. It was obvious that Mat was good with kids, she’d seen as much, but being good with kids and wanting children of your own were two very different things. Cass had wanted to be a mom since she knew what a mom was, and even though they probably should have brought up the topic earlier, she wasn’t sure what she’d do if he said no. Thank God, she never had to find out. 

“Definitely,” Mat said, nodding. “Not now, obviously, we’re young and haven’t really settled down yet. If you got pregnant we’d make it work, but I don’t think either of us is looking to be parents right away. But in a couple years, once we’re married and have a proper house with space...Yeah, I’d like to have kids.” He looked over at Cass. “What about you?”

“Always wanted kids,” Cass responded fondly. “I loved growing up with siblings, and I know my parents were the same way. Two or three, I think. I’ve thought about adoption too, but obviously that’s way in the future.”

Mat kissed the top of her head. “We’ve got time.”

 May 22 (sat)

 The graduation ceremony itself wasn’t until noon, so Cass had more than enough time to get ready after waking up at 7. Alicia barrelled into her room at exactly 7:22, throwing a shirt at her and telling her to get dressed. Cass stumbled out of the room ten minutes later, pulling on socks and grabbing her phone from the charger by her door. “What are you guys trying to pull?” she asked, yawning and trying to wipe the sleep out of her eyes. 

“Uh, we’re going to the diner, duh,” Stella said with a smile, tossing Cass her purse. “Come on! You know it fills up early on weekends.” Glen’s Diner had become an apartment staple over the past few years, the restaurant having been the first place the four of them had eaten in the city when they moved, not having bought groceries yet and not wanting to pay the premium for delivery. It was cheap, open 24/7, and Cass would swear up and down that their blueberry pancakes were the best she’d ever had. 

They were seated just after 8, happily slurping coffee and stealing bites of each other’s breakfast twenty minutes later. It was a nice day and hadn’t gotten too hot yet, so they decided to walk back after finishing the meal. In reality, “going back” meant Alicia stopping to buy a new necklace, listening to a busker for a few minutes, and petting no fewer than five dogs on the one-mile walk. There was still plenty of time before they had to leave for the ceremony, but after Cass did her makeup and tamed her curls, there was just enough time to watch an episode of Parks & Rec before having to actually get her stuff together. Not as flexible as she once had been, Ryanne helped zip up the back of her dress, a white lace bodycon from her sorority days that she had definitely worn to at least two semiformals. Hey, Cass thought as she straightened her hemline, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 

She had ironed her robe and put it into a dress bag the night before, and gently folded her school stole and the serape from her abuela into her purse. Mat’s necklace hadn’t left its place since Valentine’s. Her dad’s parents had given her a beautiful pair of pearl studs for her undergraduate graduation, and it felt only right to wear them for her next step. She fastened the ankle straps on her heels, and popped her head out to the living room. “Everyone ready?” She was met with a chorus of “yeses,” and grabbed her keys from their dish by the front door. 

“Let’s go get our girl graduated!” Alicia hollered into the street. 

The girls had originally objected to Cass driving herself to her own graduation, but relented as soon as Cass reminded them that she was the only one who knew where to find the free parking, and the rest of them only drove sedans. “Cheryl has way more room. Y’all want to be cramped on purpose?” 

“Fair point,” Stella had said begrudgingly. 

Exactly twenty-six minutes later, Cass pulled into a spot about two blocks away from the arena where she would be graduating in an hour’s time, hugging each of her friends as Ryanne handed her the dress bag. “You’re going to kill it in there,” she said, rubbing her back. 

Cass laughed. “Ry, all I’ve got to do is walk across a stage without tripping.”

She shrugged. “It’s a fine art that few have mastered.” 

Cass entered through the side, flashing her ID to the security guard standing by the door. Half an hour later, everyone had been ushered into their seats, carefully arranged in alphabetical order. For the most part, Cass was friendly with everyone in her class; if they weren’t outwardly hostile to her, she saw no reason why they deserved anything other than kindness, but was relieved to see Robin sitting next to her. “You excited?” Robin asked, brushing a piece of her auburn hair behind her ear. The lobby doors must have opened, because as she asked, crowds started to mill into the seats, waving at anyone who would catch their eye. 

Cass bounced her head. “I am, but it’s kind of surreal, you know? I knew we’d get to this point, obviously. It’s what we’ve been working towards for seven years, really. But the idea that it all essentially comes down to this…”

“An hour, a few handshakes, and a piece of paper,” Robin helpfully supplied. 

She nodded. “Yeah. It’s almost anticlimactic in a way? Like sure, we’ve got our JDs after this, but knowing we’ve still got to pass the bar. We’re not over the finish line yet.”

“Columbia has a 97% pass rate, and you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, Cass. And I’ve spent three years surrounded by the smartest people I’ve ever met.”

“Fair,” Cass said, “it’s just kind of a weird feeling, you know?” Robin nodded. “And plus, for most of us, we’ve pretty much spent our whole lives in school. Aside from positions as summer associates, or part-time jobs and internships, we don’t really know how to do anything other than school. It’s just a little bit of a daunting thought to suddenly feel like we’re being thrown out to the wolves without really knowing what to expect.” Cass’ phone, which she wasn’t technically supposed to have but had snuck in anyways, chose that moment to buzz with a text notification. It was from Mat.

Met up with the crew! Can’t wait to see you walk across that stage, Cass. I love you and we’re all so proud of you. Mat had attached a photo of everyone she had brought with her — both sets of grandparents, her parents and siblings, and roommates. 

“Your boyfriend is nauseatingly cute,” Robin observed, looking over her shoulder at the message. 

Cass laughed. “That’s true, but I knew what I was getting myself into.” The music started ten minutes later, and the ceremony began. If Cass was being honest, she didn’t really remember much of anything from the first half of the ceremony, before the conferral of diplomas. She was so excited and nervous and unbelievably ready all at the same time that all she recalled from the dean’s speech and the student speeches were vague comments about their “awesome responsibility” and “duty to pursue truth and justice” and “commitment to fight for what is right over what is easy.” 

As soon as she realized it, her row was being ushered into line to receive their diplomas. “Cassidy María Cabrera Shaw.” She heard her name, but really had no clue who had spoken it. The dean? One of her professors? As Cass walked up the steps and across the stage, the only thing she could think was don’t trip don’t trip don’t trip. Then she was handed a diploma, flashed a brilliant smile for the photographer, and shook hand after hand after hand before walking off the other side of the stage. She was pretty sure she could hear Mat and Noah yelling their congratulations from her seat on the floor. 

Having a name towards the front of the alphabet meant that Cass was almost always called on quickly in class, or on roll call, or at graduation, as the case was. But that meant that she had to sit, quietly and politely, for the other four hundred names to be called. And it took awhile. After Robin Cahill came Wesley Coleman, then Samuel Cogswell, then Fiona Chan. Cass didn’t mind having to sit through the whole thing, especially when Fiona, Les, Samaira, and her other friends crossed the stage — she cheered as much as anybody — but it was a long time to be sitting in a folding chair and the thousands of people packed into a small space didn’t help her temperature regulation. 

There was the benediction and congratulations, and then the recessional of the graduates. Graduates, Cass thought. She was a graduate. She had finished, she was done, she had accomplished the one thing she wanted most to do since she was a little girl watching Legally Blonde for the first time, looking at Elle Woods and thinking I can do that. And she had. Her feet carried her to the back room of their own accord, where she picked up her bag and was engulfed in a flurry of hugs, congratulations, and kisses on the cheek from her friends, the people who she had spent countless late nights in the library with, bar hopping to celebrate the end of finals, and afternoons on each other’s apartment couches, yelling fact patterns at each other and trying to come up with an analysis before the timer went off.  

Following the stream of sky blue graduation gowns, Cass walked outside, waving at her family when she spotted Eliana hanging off of a lamppost in the courtyard to get a better view. Her sister nearly tackled her as she made her way to the group. “Cass. I already knew you were brilliant, and I still think  you’re the smartest out of any of us,” she gestured between the two of them and Noah, “but now you’ve got the degree to prove it. I’m so proud of you.” 

Noah was next. “You worked hard, and I know how badly you wanted this. You’re a really good sister.” He wasn’t usually a big talker, and Cass’ eyes definitely got a little misty as he spoke. He had verbally committed to Minnesota State the week before, and Mat might have been more excited than even Cass when he heard the news. It was an incredible program that had a serious track record of sending players to the NHL, and she was so proud to see her little brother doing what he loved. Her mom and both grandmas were crying, as expected, and Grandpa Joe wrapped her up in a hug as soon as he got the chance. 

Mat had been hanging towards the back of the crowd, not wanting to feel like he was intruding on family time, until her dad nudged him forward. “Go say hi to your girl, Mat,” Patrick said.

“Will do,” Mat said, squeezing Cass’ hand and pressing a quick kiss to the top of her head. “Sometimes it blows my mind how incredible you are,” he said. “Everyone’s already said how smart you are, and every bit of that is true. But you’re so much more than that, you know?” His thumb rubbed over her hand. “You’re beautiful, and curious, and you always keep me on my toes. You’re so passionate about your work, and you’ve got the biggest heart out of anyone I know. You’ve never met a person you didn’t want to help. And I promise I’m not biased just because I’m in love with you.” 

Cass gave a watery laugh, blinking and thanking God she had the foresight to wear waterproof mascara. “God, I love you, Mat.”

Her dad had always been the picture type, insisting on documenting every waking moment. He was the living embodiment of “pics or it didn’t happen,” for better or worse. He took a few of her with her law school friends, then Alicia snapped one with just her immediate family, then there was one with everyone. Cass also got a picture with Mat, where he was bending down to kiss her, the tassel on her mortarboard just barely brushing his nose. Then she was in one with all of the seniors on the law review, and a friend pulled her away for a few with the Latinx Student Association. By the time they finally managed to tear Patrick away from his camera, it was time to head back to the hotel and get ready for dinner. 

Mat got Patrick to send him the photo of him and Cass, and was about to post it on Instagram when he hesitated. “Hey, is it cool if I post this?” Mat said, showing Cass his phone. Most people knew who she was, and he had posted pictures of her before, but they had never been this obvious, this clear, this real. 

“Go for it.”

Mat pressed post. So, so proud of my incredible girlfriend @casscshaw for graduating law school. You’re one of the smartest, most empathetic people I know, and you’re going to make an amazing lawyer. 

Cass grinned, a big, genuine smile as she was surrounded by her family, the people who meant the most to her — whether they were related or not. She looked up at Mat, who was smiling softly down at her as he reached one hand up to fix her tassel. “What’s next?”

[ateezgf]

i need advice and motivation on how to overcome highschool :((

oooh this is a bit hard to answer because high school now isn’t quite the same as how it was when i was in it for obvious reasons. BUT !! i’ll do my best to help you! 

i have a feeling that things may feel super.. tedious and overwhelming right now, no? especially since most high school students haven’t done an online class before. i had a couple online classes (because i failed apush & had to make it up so that i can graduate on time plus another random class just to boost my gpa mwah) in high school & it honestly is pretty rough! i know that this doesn’t sound very motivating, but i’m sort of trying to be like “hey, it’s gonna be a struggle but i’ve been there (hell, tbh im STILL there with college) and if i can make it, im sure you can too”. 

online learning takes a lot of self-discipline. i know every household is very different and perhaps you don’t have the luxury space and privacy that so many study channels and other advice things rave about. that happens. i’ll finally start settling into my study mindset when suddenly my mom calls me over to her room & it throws me off my groove! i’ve taken a lot of online classes so far (even before it was forced upon me) and i’m still struggling with self-discipline and working on procrastination. the best advice that i can offer is trying to get yourself into a routine that best suits YOU. not something you feel pressured to stick to because a lot of people who post about their own study habits do it (eg. waking up super early [ofc if u have to then u have to but if u dont then well], studying ALL day, etc). it may take some time to find your specific groove that works for you & it might require some communication with family. just because you don’t develop a top-notch routine right away doesn’t make you a failure or any negative connotation. ESPECIALLY since this is (im assuming) your first time with remote learning. 

it’s a really weird transition, especially if you’re body/mind is also already used to relaxing when you’re home. it takes time to break the association and have your mind recognize that home is a place to work now & it isn’t just for leisure or little tasks like homework. which is why you should have one designated spot to study/get work done at that isn’t a bed or couch or just anywhere you tend to sleep or relax on. this is something i learned in my psych classes, so!! like i said, you have to get your body used to the fact that school is happening at home now. it’s not an overnight thing for everyone. you want to do your best to avoid getting work done in bed if you can because your mind & body will register that as “oh? seems like it’s time for bed/time to relax” and start falling asleep or something. OR! your body will start to recognize that space as a place of work instead of relaxation & when it’s time to actually sleep, it’ll be harder to do so because of the association. if you have a desk or table or just any space you can sit up in and work, that’ll be my biggest recommendation~ 

hmm.. i also know that not every house allows peace and quiet either. i was fortunate enough to take advantage of apple’s student discount and got some airpod pros. BUT this doesn’t mean you need expensive, noise-cancelling earphones. if you like listening to music while you work, put your preferred pair of earbuds/headphones on to block out as much outside noise as possible! i don’t recommend blasting your music (dont wanna hurt ur ears now), but just enough where the background noise of your house or outside isn’t too much of a distraction should be fine~ also so you can still hear your parents if they’re calling you if they’re like that. [but also if you’re able to set boundaries and be like “i need [timeframe] to do my school work so please try not to bother me” then !!!! yes]. if you don’t like listening to music/can’t because it’s a distraction, perhaps try to find earplugs or maybe try instrumentals if the distraction is with listening to your favorite songs? like those foam ones that people at concerts wear and stuff, yknow? i can’t really study in complete silence so i can’t vouch too much about this one. 

going back to finding a routine best suited for you, i wooould say that you should work during the day so that you can relax at night.... BUT!!!!! if you’re more of a night owl & your house is more quiet at night, definitely use that time to study/get some homework done. i’m assuming if this is anything like my younger brother’s online schooling, you’re attending zoom lectures during normal operating hours and then you’re essentially free the rest of the day. now, you could use that time to get your work done if that works for you. OR you can use that time to relax and do the other things you want to do (play games, work out, take a nap, i dunno) and then get your work done at night since you’re awake then anyway. 

BUT LIKE I SAID, FIND WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU!! i know things are really weird and hard right now, i get it. hopefully, you have a nice group of friends who are still making this social distancing time as enjoyable as possible & i hope you’re reaching your own mini successes. i wish i can give you more advice and motivation, but again i’m not really sure how to help you when it comes to getting through high school during these times ): .... but i am here to help cheer you on if you ever need the boost!!! if you want to celebrate your successes with me, i am more than HAPPY to hype you and your brain up. if you need a space to talk about something that went wrong academically, i’m here to help you feel better cause i have definitely been in that position before. also i may suck at math but im pretty good at english :D so papers and all that jazz? i can maybe try helping~ 

you got this! i believe in you (: 

[transienturl]

the first half of the ask post you didn't reblog because you're doing them all anyways

Thanks, me!

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?Option 7, None of the above: highball glass. I looked up the glassware model I like; apparently the manufacturer calls them “nordic cooler glasses.” I much prefer glassware made of glass to any other type, and dislike the ridges/patterns on a lot of drinking glasses. Yep, I’m this picky.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?Chocolate. I like chocolate’s texture and the way it melts, and I don’t like eating bits of paper.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?Cotton candy. Bubblegum is gross.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?Uhh… hm. “Smart,” probably, which wasn’t particularly helpful. They probably had a bunch more to say but I don’t remember what anymore.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?I like this ask post! As mentioned, glass cups. I like how soda cans feel in the hand but the drinking experience is just alright. Plastic is just unpleasant.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?I had to google “boho” and I’m still not super clear on what it encompasses, but it seems kinda neat! Also I have no idea what grunge really means. If I had a feminine body and thus felt like dressing up, I’d definitely pick boho out of the google image results of each of those terms.

7. earbuds or headphones?Both; if I wear either for too long I switch to the other for comfort. But I’m at least somewhat an audio enthusiast, so I could go on for a long time here. Ex:

The soundstage of open-back headphones is really unparalleled for one. Apple’s earpods/airpods actually fit me and have basically no microphonics, which usually are a big issue with IEMs for me, plus their resolution on the high end is surprisingly great.

Insert the rest of this discussion here.

8. movies or tv shows?I watch either of these not from seeking them out but from circumstance, but often wind up liking them. I’m one of those people who thinks, “I’d watch that,” and then never watches whatever that was. So I don’t really know which I do or would prefer.

9. favorite smell in the summer?Uh… hm. That’s a really good question. What’s most interesting about it, I think, is just the list of smells people associate with a season. Of course there’s environmental ones like rain, but for summer I assume you have to go with, I dunno, fair food or something like that.

Anyway, no idea! I can’t think of a lot of meaningful smells that aren’t food, honestly.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?I remember enjoying capture the flag a lot. I dunno if I was actually good at it, though. I did have pretty good short-duration speed, so I was a decent defender. I don’t really remember what else we did.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?Nothing. (I don’t like most American breakfast foods much, though that’s not why.)

12. name of your favorite playlist?I called it “the playlist which is entirely fire” because why not. Alternately, the playlist with all of my music is just named after me.

13. lanyard or key ring?Key ring; I’m not a… yeah actually that joke would only work for people who went to my high school and follow this blog (hi Xander).

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?That’s also a really good question and I’m positive I have an answer, but I can’t think of it. I eat candy once every like 3 months, so it doesn’t exactly come to mind easily. The candied pecans I just tried are pretty good, though. Insert reference to my halloween fanfiction.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?Y'know how there are some things that you remember deciding at one point were your favorite, but don’t remember well enough to properly consider now? A lot of my favorite pieces of media are like that, but I have at least some confidence in the decision I made at the time. Not so much here. I remember thinking with surprise that I enjoyed The Mill on the Floss when I read it in class, so that’s what comes to mind, but I think it’s the wrong answer. I’m pretty sure there are some books I really enjoy that I’ve forgotten were originally for class. Random example that I think is also wrong: The Hobbit. The Giver is pretty darn good, too. Fahrenheit 451. I don’t remember this being the case but we might have read A Wrinkle in Time in a class. Et cetera.

Wait, no, actually, I figured it out: Island of the Blue Dolphins. (Which, actually, goes in the “this might be too much of a childrens’ book to enjoy rereading” category along with Summerland, The Great Tree of Avalon, The Marino Mission, What the Moon Saw, The Secret of Platform 13, and Island of the Aunts, all of which I loved at the time of reading. And potentially also The Book Thief, although I doubt it. Can you tell I like award-winning children’s books, though?)

16. most comfortable position to sit in?With crossed legs or on my feet, which people seem to find weird.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?I only have one regularly-used pair of shoes.

18. ideal weather?Still. I can’t stand wind of any kind. A range of temperatures is nice (not too hot; not *too* cold but snow is pretty so I’ll allow a wide range in that direction.)

19. sleeping position?In a ball, or at least partially curled up.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?I haven’t written on paper in like a decade. I had to recently in order to leave a sticky note on something and had actual trouble making it legible. Essentially everything I write is on this 2013 Macbook Pro keyboard.

21. obsession from childhood?Um… existentialism? The pretend world my sisters’ and my stuffed animals lived in? Popular science topics and things from video game worlds, all of which went into said pretend world? Jet aircraft? Algebra and geometry puzzles? Configuring laptop computers?

22. role model?John Green. People who can communicate/present things effectively.

23. strange habits?I’m sure I have a ton. I’m not going to delay posting this to come up with any, but I’ll think about it. But especially if we’re using western society as the ‘norm’ for the sake of the question, I think there’s a ton of stuff I do that’d surprise people.

24. favorite crystal?Hm. I like the colorless ones like diamond, I guess? I just generally like gemstones, especially in fiction when they have powers. Oh, how’s this: I tend to like crystals that are (semi)transparent, so they have depth to them and change appearance as they’re rotated.

The other weird, mostly-unrelated thing that comes to mind is when I made a necklace for my best friend in elementary school and spent a lot of effort picking out the right sort of pendant, but I don’t think it was actually a crystal. (I often wonder what it would’ve been like if I hadn’t moved; I bet we’d still be close.)

25. first song you remember hearing?Neat question! I have no memory of a particular song being the first. My parents played music a lot when I was little, so a lot of their CD collection makes me think, “I’ve been listening to this since far before I noticed that I was.” The most recent one of those I heard and wrote down was Cathedral of the Pines by Tim Janis.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?…complain about the heat? :D Hm, I don’t have a lot of outdoor hobbies.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?…complain about the cold? :P I do like to ski somewhat. And I like hot cocoa.

28. five songs to describe you?

Eric’s Song – Vienna Teng

Doubt – Ruby Day

…hm. Looking through my playlists and the #media tag on this blog, there’s a ton of songs that I like, and where that fact tells you something about my taste in music, but it’s hard to find songs whose content particularly tells you something. Let’s just go with songs I find some meaning or relevance in?

Laughing With – Regina Spektor

Rainbow Connection – Kermit the Frog/various covers

Okay, I ran out of songs with particular meaning; let’s finish up with one whose meaning is arguably a lack of particular meaning?

Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell

29. best way to bond with you?Talking, I guess. Boring answer, maybe, but I think most bonding experiences I’ve had were just two people talking about something important.

30. places that you find sacred?My elementary school? Is that a weird answer?

Other than that… a lot of places, really. Depending how you use “sacred,” I think it could apply in my mind to lots of unique places, especially natural-wonder type things.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?I haven’t got one. None of my clothes are things I’ve picked out to look good, honestly. The thing that makes me feel more “ready to go out and kick ass than usual” is, like, bringing a phone charger with me in case I run out of battery in the process of whatever ass kicking it’s going to be, and that’s not an outfit thing.

32. top five favorite vines?Remember vine? Good times.

1. A Legendary Argument (https://vine.co/v/enUmZjLFgw2/); the “just do it” “no” one

Yeah, that’s it. I don’t know of any other ones.

33. most used phrase in your phone?I… don’t know how to tell. That sounds like a cool thing to figure out but I dunno how to see that.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?None, thank god.

35. average time you fall asleep?Too late.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?No idea.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?I don’t really know what context to think of this question in. Like, is there a time both would be valid options? Anyway, suitcase. Honorable mention: backpack.

38. lemonade or tea?I only like either of these in moderation. Usually I’d say lemonade, but lately I’ve been disliking acidic drinks more than usual, so maybe I’ll say tea. Actually, what I like is chrysanthemum tea, which you can get at dim sum places sometimes.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?I’ll go with lemon cake. I can only eat a really small amount of lemon meringue. If someone made more of a lemon meringue tart with a really thin layer of lemon (maybe 10mm or a bit less) and a lot of crust and meringue, that could be really good though.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?If “bad” counts as “weird,” let’s just say it involved sexual misconduct.

41. last person you texted?My dad (a link to instructions to get free in-flight wifi; nothing interesting).

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?I prefer to put stuff in pants pockets so I have them if I take off my jacket, but then my pants fall down because I have no hips and my pants are all regular-person sized.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?I immediately crossed off everything except hoodie and cardigan. With a different body I’d definitely pick cardigan.

44. favorite scent for soap?Unscented.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?Eh, I mean, I think they all have potential. I’d pick sci-fi or fantasy over superhero; print comics have never interested me at all, though I’m sure there’s interesting stuff in there too.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?I feel like it’s just whatever you’re used to, honestly.

47. favorite type of cheese?Maybe fresh mozzarella? Either way, it’s going to be something people who really like cheese would barely count as cheese.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?If I were a fruit… not to take it too literally, but I can’t think of a better way to interpret it. Um… a ground cherry, because it’s cute and has a place to hide in.

49. what saying or quote do you live by?“Hope is the correct response to the human condition.”

There are probably better ones that correspond to things I live by more, but that’s the one I have a quote for. Guess who it’s by? I’ll give you one guess.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?Not sure. Show of the Weekend (@outsidextra) definitely wins “hardest laugh that I can remember recently” though.

[cecilspeaks]

141 - Save Dark Owl Records

The prison of your own mind is undergoing budget cuts.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Today I’d like to open the show with a statement from a local business owner, Michelle Nguyen.

Michelle: An insidious presence has invaded our town. That presence is located in the Night Vale mall and is called the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. I’ve seen you shopping there, Night Vale, and I want you to know you’re all murderers with the figurative blood of independent record stores dripping from your hands. “No, no” you’ll say, “that isn’t figurative blood, it’s literal barbecue sauce from the Black Angus barbeque bacon burger and it’s delicious!” You’ll keep blathering on how about “Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express keeps thick juicy beef burgers layered in between your albums, so you can flip past them and impulse eat as you shop. It’s so convenient!” [angrily] Well you know what? Convenience is another words for laziness. When you come to my store, to Dark Owl Records, you have to earn your music! Our extensive underground section is kept literally underground, and you have to dig random holes in the dirt to find it. We don’t provide you with a shovel, you can’t even bring your own. You must use your fingers. Broken knuckles and fingernails peeled back to the quick are the sign of a true music lover. Sometimes, you won’t find music you think you like, but then you realize that the rhythmic grunts and scrapes of bloodied hands into rocky earth is itself music.

Anyway, come to my fundraiser tonight at Dark Owl Records. It’s a party, and parties are the worst, but I don’t have the money to pay my bills anymore and it’s your fault, so just show up and do the right thing, or I’ll go out of business. Ok, thanks!

Cecil: Thank you, Michelle. Our radio station is doing a remote broadcast live today at the Save Dark Owl fundraiser. We’ll do some interviews and there’ll be live bands, and it should be a lot of fun. Hope you see you down here, Night Vale! Come show your support for local small business.

But first, a word from our sponsor. Today’s program is brought to you by the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. The popular franchise mashup had its grand opening only three weeks ago and is already a booming success. From their regional frosty treats, like the cactus thorn malt, to their wide selection of best of complication albums. There’s something for everyone at Food Barn Gladtown Records Express. And by popular demand, there’s now extra fry sauce on everything, including the Bluetooth headphones. You don’t even have to ask for it. You have to ask if you don’t want fry sauce, and you have to give a good reason why not, like uh, a signed doctor’s note. Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. Your community entertainment culture conglomerate.

And now, a public service announcement.

Deb: Hey old friends! Corporeal humans, cor-corporeal humans, former babies, future corpses, this is Deb, a sentient patch of haze, speaking for the department of motor vehicles. We know you haven’t heard from us in a while. But [blows raspberry] we haven’t heard from you either. Relationships are a, [clicks tongue] two-way street, so to speak. But [hiccups], I know there’s been some tension and things have gotten a little weird between us. No need to get into that right now. Or ever again, as far as we’re concerned. But if you wanna come over some time and just talk, just say hi or anything, then the department of motor vehicles will be opening our doors for one hour every weekday between 2 and 3. That’s all we have to give emotionally right now. Self..care. We would like to see you again though just to [emotionally] hear your voice. We hope you’ve been doing well. [hiccups] We’re a little drunk, and it’s late. Man, we just got done watching Carol for the third time in a week. [angrily] And you haven’t really been posting on social media lately, so we just wanna know what’s going on with you. [drinking noises] Again, no pressure, no strings attached, and if it gets crowded you could always take a number as usual. But the DMV wants you to know whether your number 19 or 99, you’re always number 1 to us! [snorts] [cries] We, we miss you. We miss you.

Cecil: Listeners, we’re here live at Dark Owl Records, and the fundraiser is getting off to a great start! People are buying shards of records they dug out of the ground, there’s a cake with thick black frosting and undulating tendrils. Mm, looks delicious! There’s an effigy of the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express with a lot of long pins sticking out of it. And at the center of all the excitement is Dark Owl owner herself, Michelle Nguyen, and her girlfriend Maureen. What a treat! Hey you two, wanna say hello to all of Night Vale? Ah that’s weird. Uh, Michelle sent me a text right now while simultaneously staring unblinkingly into my eyes from three feet away. Uh, her text says: “We heard the spot you did for Burger Barn Gladtown Rec Ex and we are not speaking to you at this time. Please leave my party, Cecil.” Oh I get it, oh no, this is a, a simple misunderstanding, Michelle. See, in radio journalism, we have a moral responsibility to play ads and make lots of money. I see where you’re confused. Does that help clear things up? Aaand Maureen is pouring ice coffee all over my laptop. I’ll go find a towel, while you go to the weather.

[A Pale Sun Rises Over New York" by Scrawnyman, https://scrawnyman.bandcamp.com]

Michelle: Hey, this is Michelle. Cecil had to go away, but there was a hastily assumed agreement I would take over the show while he’s gone, so here I am, Michelle. Broadcasting live from my own party, which is better than mingling with people and being all social and stuff, right? Uh, no offense to anyone who’s here, but this is the first party I’ve ever agreed to attend and it was only out of desperation. I mean, all parties are born out of some form of desperation. Ugh, parties are the worst! I wish everyone would go home. No, no, don’t go home, it’s so nice that you’re here… I guess. But you know what else is nice? Being alone. Or mostly alone. That’s really what independent record stores stand for, you know? Individuality, independence, isolation. Don’t follow the herd, go home, be alone. It’s the best. 

Oh shoot, I was afraid something like this would happen. I mean, everything’s fine, there’s just a little situation out back. I’m gonna hand the mic over to Maureen while I deal with this.

Maureen: Um, hello? Hey, uh, this is Maureen. Don’t be scared or anything. A-actually be scared, but not about what I’m going to tell you. So what happened is some people were digging in the underground music section and the ground kind of split apart and now there’s a giant, like arthropod thing. Uh, it’s tearing people’s limbs off and whatever. Seems really mad and people are screaming, there’s like a lot of blood, blood is so stupid. But Michelle has it under control now. She’s kicked out everyone but the spider crustacean thing, because it was the only one who wasn’t being fake about its love of music. So yeah um, come on down to the store. Uh remember: we’re here to save Dark Owl! And even though the biggest section is the not for sale rack, there’s still a lot of great things to choose from. I know that some of the best things I’ve ever found have been here. Michelle, for one. Uh, don’t tell her I said that.

Also earlier today, I was crawling around inside the ventilation system, and I thought it would be really narrow and claustrophobic like air closed shafts usually are, but actually it kept growing wider and taller until I could stand up and walk around. I could even run if I wanted to. The ducts and passageways unfolded in front of me and I felt totally lost, but in a good way. I ran and ran and somewhere along the way I lost my flashlight and it didn’t matter. I could see with a sense other than vision, maybe it was taste. Ductways tasted like an everything bagel, and that guided my way. Then I could taste voices outside the vents. A voice I knew well was talking to a customer about a color limited edition single of “Love Will Tear Us Apart” on one side and “Love Will Keep Us Together” on the other. The record’s cover art depicted the eruption of Mount St Helens, but like a year before it actually happened, which makes it super valuable. I followed the taste of their voices, which was like green apples but the artificial candy flavor version, and I ended up in the obsolete media bunker behind the register, where I lay down on a pile of warm Sheena Easton singles and CD-roms filled with corrupted Limewire files. And that’s where I am now. Aand I’m gonna take a nap. Bye! [snoring]

Michelle: Hey Night Vale, I’m back. It’s all under control now. Sorry, I have kind of a contentious relationship with my neighbor Matt. He’s a 15-foot coconut crab that lives underneath the lot behind our store. We usually get along OK, but he really does not like parties, and I should have told him in advance, but I was busy and totally forgot, so my bad. Anyway, I let Matt eat the patrons who were wearing airpods and he was happy, so the party is still going strong. Most of the people are dead or have been kicked out, but I wanna make it clear that the party is still happening. So come on down to Dark Owl Records and save our store! Honestly, things are so much better now that everyone’s gone, so this is really the perfect time to show up. We have some special listening stations where you can browse all your favorite genres, like silence, post-silence, proto-silence, under-silence… I know you guys might not have heard of under-silence yet, but that’s like when the headphones are projecting what’s inside of you back into your own ears and you can hear your internal organs processing blood and fluids, and you’re filled with the awe of how all these seemingly archaic gooey parts can possibly work together to keep you alive and functioning, and you eventually pass out and/or vomit.

[sighs] I really don’t know what I’ll do if I have to leave this place. I’ve spent so much time here, I don’t even remember where my house is. One night after work, I walked down the street I thought it was on, but nothing looked familiar. And I kept walking for hours. I finally saw my house, but when I walked in, the door opened into the kitchen instead of the living room, and there was this family I’d never seen before eating dinner. There were four large serving bowls of mashed root vegetables on the table. The family didn’t notice me at all, they ate their mush and talked about their days. The mom was worried about the new boss at work, and the son forgot to go to his dentist appointment, and the daughter had a chemistry test that went okay. I didn’t want to freak them out, so I et myself out the back door and kept walking until it as morning. And in the cacophonous creak of dawn, I ended up back at Dark Owl just in time to open for the new day. And it didn’t matter, you know, that I couldn’t find my house because –

Wait, what’s this? An empty-eyed courier child just handed me an envelope. There’s a, there’s a check inside, and it’ a coupon for something called the “100 percent fish hot dog”, and a hand written note. It says, “Hello, my name is Jules, and I’m the franchise owner at the new Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. Here is the rest of the money for your fundraising goal. When you become a franchise owner like me, you’ll think to yourself, ‘oh cool I’m an entrepreneur now, I’m going to be my own boss. I’m finally going to have agency in my life, you know?’ At least that’s what I thought when I filled out he online personality test that told me I had what it takes. I’m a type 23: outgoing but grounded. I’m detail-oriented but I can also see the big picture. I’m competitive, but I follow the rules. Classic type 23.” The note goes on. “But there are so many rules, Michelle. You have to conform when you’re in a franchise. And if you don’t, you’ll go under. Not merely monetarily, but to this place they refer to only as the cavern. If you end up there, you don’t ever come out again. Anyway, one rule is that we need at least one business competitor to remain open at all times. Until our lobbyists overturn the Sherman anti-trust act, we need Dark Owl Records to stay in business. So please take this money. I don’t wanna go to the cavern. Please, Michelle. Sincerely, Jules.”

OK, not sure how to deal with this right now if I’m honest. This person opened up a rival record franchise, and now they wanna give me money from their corporation to stay in business? I dunno. I need to go soul searching. I need to listen to some ambient room tone tracks used under famous movie scenes. I really like the one from the diner in “When Harry Met Sally”. Whatever, I guess. [steps, door closes]

[steps] Cecil: Night Vale, I’m so sorry I left you. I went to get a towel to clean up the spilled ice coffee, and there was this giant spider lobster thing, he-he cornered me and I couldn’t escape. He just kept talking and talking and god, he was boring! The worst person to run into at a party. I didn’t know how to get out of the conversation without being rude, uh I finally said I’d go grab us both a slice of cake and sidled out of there. I hope everything went OK while I was gone. Let’s see. Oh, there’s no one really left. The radio gear has been abandoned except a sleeping Maureen under my chair. There’s an inordinate amount of blood on the floor, and hey looks like the little cardboard thermometer that shows the fundraising goal has been fully colored in! Wow! We did it Night Vale! I guess that means there’s enough money to keep Dark Owl in business, at least through this month’s bills. That’s the thing about bills, they keep happening.

Well, whatever the future holds, the party was clearly a success. As was this ultra fun remote broadcast. So music lovers, kick back, put on your fry sauce-dosed headphones, listen to your newly purchased album shards, and put some vitamin E cream on those knuckles! Stay tuned next for the cla-cla-clack of CD cases being browsed, like a fluttery little heartbeat in the darkness.

Good night, Night Vale, Good night.

Today’s proverb: A good way to tell if an artistic idea is worthwhile is to remember that the most successful video game of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles”, so who knows?

[strawberryjun]

one hundred reasons to love lee jeno

eye smiles !!!!!! hes all (∪ ◡ ∪) all the time

his we young hair !!! metallic and blond and Beautiful

"no jam-jeno" what a b a b y

hes actually hilarious trust the rest of nct just makes him look bad

his dancing !!!! he always tries so hard and I know a lot of ppl compare to jisung, but they have 2 completely different styles and hes amazing in his own way

in his joy interview when he literally did Not Stop smiling

baby dont stop dance cover with jisung

his fashion sense is really nice and cute and colorful

"manners make men"

when jaemin was trying to kiss him and hes all "no,,,, ,, , help me,,,, , , sa ve m e"

speaking of jaemin , ,,,, nomin,, ,, , icons

he named his airpods "jeno's shower heads" like honestly wow

the very beginning in we young where hes dancing in the front ykno and in go and in black on black: Powerful

his face when haechan called him the funniest member

his voice is so nice to listen and it makes his raps so much better

search up "60 seconds with jeno" and u will be b l e s s e d

when he was too excited during the go filming that he was running and ran into and broke the green screen

jeno was one of the members who could do a wheelie on a bike

he tried So Hard during the I love you game but couldn't keep going bc the smile :))))))

whenever hes disgusted by something and his whole face shrivels up and wow

his commercial with the milk when he was younger and the ~cutest~ smile I have ever seen + all the other cfs he was in

I talk about his smile a lot but during weekly idol when the host complimented it and he couldn't stop smiling UWU

such guitar skills !!!!

his eyes literally Glow like I was showing my friend a video and she now stans because the universe is actually in his eyes

his instructions on how to ride a hoverboard

whenever he gets excited it's so evident and beautiful

did a whole one legged spin on the hoverboard time to Stan

part of 00 line aka the ppl who are gonna take over the world

emceeing legend

is allergic to cats, but has 3 of them ?????

hes a taurus (like me wow our bdays r three days apart too !!) and taurus men r very affectionate and love giving gifts and making ppl happy so basically is the best boyfriend you could ever ask for

hes literally the lead rapper, lead dancer, a vocalist and a visual hes really Out Here

hes soft, and his face is soft and his voice is soft and Oof soft icon

he couldn't open the package so he just ,,,, ,,,,,, , ,, ,, started hitting it

"this is jisung" stabs the mochi

just think abt how much his voice changed in two years bro I'm weak

listen,,, , jesus starts with a j,, , ,,, and so does jeno,,, ,, , coincidence ??? I think not

on the most recent the show that hes emceeing, he did this lil eyebrow raise and he got so flustered and omg

he looks so good in hats ??? wow ???

at the end of the joy behind the scenes vid, hes wearin this rlly puffy back jacket and black cap and my heart: burst

he looks so good in glasses ??? not only like framed ones, but goggles too like damn

when mark, jaemin and him were singing go in the car and he just started screaming and made them all have a Chuckle

his beautiful white shirt in the go dance practice he looked so fly

doyoung being his number one fan (other than me, of course) and always hyping him up this is what everyone should do stan jeno

when he kept slipping during one of their performances and he just kept sheepishly smiling to himself I'm gone

dude when he was playing love yourself on the guitar and haechan was singing but jeno moved to the chorus when haechan wasnt finished the verse and the way he looked and smiled at haechan wow

his go photoshoot: Art

him in eye contacts (I mean he doesnt need them but mans still looks hot)

in the joy mv, his highwaisted pants thingy oof that was Good

whenever any of the members makes fun of him, he doesnt say anything and just smiles hes so lovely

he said he likes haek-no jam !!!! and that he wants us to remember him by that and eye smiles !!!!

his laugh is a sound from heaven tbh

he won the random dance because he is a dance legend !!!!

he always seems to look at people with the utmost sincere love I've never seen him mad

in the nct recording thing when the producer said that he sounded like mark and he just goes 'well that's no good' s a v a g e

speaking of the recording he sounded angelic and also he does like this lil turn right after he finishes his part and it's so cute he like bounces back bc he whipped around to hard

his face in the song challenge thing where he was focusing and his mouth was open and he was squinting and looking towards the ceiling

him and haechan pranked jisung but changing his bg to a cockroach no jam-jeno who ???? I only know prank legend-jeno

he always goes straight from his emceeing duties to his nct duties hes a busy loyal man

his fingers r so long ??? how

he looked like such a Nerd predebut ,, , but I dig it

during nct night night where he went on with renjun whenever he spoke he spoke so softly and beautifully and I Cried

ok but his body is really nice like wiki how to have a jeno body

that predebut vid of donghae taking pics of him and he like shoved him at one point bc of how shocked he was of their similar appearance but jeno just stood their smiling at him

theres this picture !!!! its part of the nct dream official goods photoset I think !!!! he has black hair and hes like pulling on a marshmallow and honestly Blown Away from the beauty of this boy (I'll post it l8r)

his hands r so so nice and I just want to hold them :(

his black hair !!!! wonderful !!!!

jAW LINE g u y s

k I already said abt his dancing but he just picks stuff up so quickly and hes so effortless but at the same time giving all his effort idk it's just Amazing

those polaroids of him and jaemin idk of it's the lighting but he looks so Damn Good in those

when they were trying to get the food using the grabbing machine and jisung failed so jeno just 'thank u <3' and proceeded to get three foods

that video where hes woth doyoung and he kept messing with him and slapping him

his color block sweater !!!! I love that sweater so much

the random faces he kept making at the beginning of the 00 live, the one featuring his tongue rlly got me

wHEN HAECHAN KEPT SPOILING GO SO JENO LITERALLY T A C K L E D HIM wow

that vid of him looking renjun then pretending he had nothing to do with it

when he thought that his wish wouldn't come true so he just ran around with his arm in the air

jeno grabbing marks leg and mark clinging onto him like a koala so he wouldn't fall while saying sorry for whatever he did

jeno looks soft but he'll kill u with his eye smile and strong arms bro

the vids of him and jaemin at school: Pure

that vid of jaemin speaking thai and jeno saying no when jaemin asked if he was cute

the thing he did with jisung where jisung made a buzzing sound and jeno pretended to catch the bug and when he shook his fist m8 I uwu so dang hard

when he played the crocodile teeth game with jisung and scared him and he thought it was so funny he had to lay back on the couch to laugh

I really,, , , love his eyebrows ??? idk if it's just me bu t his stylists must have a rlly fun time filling them in cuz they're already so perfect

his legs !!! so nice and long wow

the biting of his bread, almost as powerful as his dancing

jeno-imnida !!!

he always looks good but when he has those stupid filters it just makes my day

his cherry bomb aegyo !!

when they were waking up on nct life and renjun kept making that noise so jeno fell on top of him

on nct life when he was playing the guitar and just Setting The Mood

he said jaehyun was one of his favourite artists he just respects and admires nct so much

shoulders: Wide

hes an absolute god tier denim wearer

I think the question was something a long the lines of who would be the best emcee and they kept saying chenle but the whole time jeno was just in the back pointing to himself and trying to flex well guess what mOrk

sleepy jeno = clueless jeno =baby boy jeno

"jeno hwaiting !!!! hehehhe"

when doing the holding hands with jaemin his "I'll hold u like this, ,,,,, UAOOOoooOh"

right before the we young (?) performance markhyuck were arguing and blocking jeno fron getting to the front where hes supposed to be and so he just moved mark out of the way ICONIC 100. literally softest boy ever, loves his members and what he does so much and I'm proud of him and his no-jam there I said it

[365day2021]

Day 286

Got up on time this time lmao and got there by like 934. After download I started the day on repair which was as usual easy I don’t even remember how many phones I did. But that was for 2 hrs and then 1 hr of queue which was easy as well. Lunch I went home and had the rest of my ikea meatballs with rice and a hot pocket. After lunch I was back on queue and something annoying did happen this time. Some military dude brought his girl’s airpods in and he was claiming the left airpod “melted” inside his airpod case and was fighting about the voltage of the case being the cause and him getting upset that it wasn’t covered under the limited warranty. I tried to tell him like even tho that’s the case it’s literally not covered and that we would have to swap it at out of warranty and he wanted me to test another airpod in his case to ensure the case didn’t cause it. So I did exactly that in the repair room and it worked and I had Lynda listen to the whole thing and she offered to go out and talk to her. It was pretty much the same conversation we had so yeah but she did offer him depot which he took since there was a chance of it being covered. So yeah that’s what happened and yeah it was pretty insane lmao. But thankfully she was there for me and yeah the rest of it was pretty easy. Last block was supposed to be RFP but apparently I got flipped to queue in 30 min increments by Kyle since they were kinda struggling. So I took appts until like 545 until I chilled in the repair room finally on RFP but I actually didn’t take out any runners and instead helped on repair. I checked one in for same day pickup and 2 more came thru with Adrian and Rachel on repair so I helped on the phone I checked in (12 pro max display). Went smooth and yeah I done by 645. Madison offered me to go with her and Ethan to Walmart and originally I said no but I decided to go. I walked to the offsite break room with Brandon to meet her there and we waited there until Ethan came when he got off at 7. Brandon left after a bit before Ethan came so it was just us 2 and then Antowan came in and we chatted a bit about how he had a secret shopper?? Apparently some girl from Boston that worked for the marketing team or some shit and was telling him to memorize better bc this man is legally blind. He didn’t know the price to replace a missing airpod and got him for it which just doesn’t make sense cause I’ve never heard of us getting secret shoppers in the first place. So yeah we just told him not to worry about it and then we left for Wally world. I drove them there and they were looking for Halloween stuff (Ethan with decorations and Madison for jello shot stuff) and I picked up a pumpkin for carving pumpkins whenever we do with Rachel. And then yeah I took them back to their cars and then I went home. Apparently BZimm was waiting at the parking lot the whole time for me (we were supposed to go at 730 and I left Walmart at 8 lmao) so I rushed got ready and we did a short leg workout (only 3). I actually wanted to do 4 and 1 ab but BZimm started feeling nauseous and he actually threw up in the bathroom while I was on the massage. He was good tho but wow what a guy lmao. We left after and I went home and made some of this sun dried tomato chicken thing from Aldi which is pretty good with avocado toast for dinner. I then got on Nick All Stars with Stuart and Marcell on discord and we did rotations playing. It was pretty fun we played for an hour with different characters and then we stopped. I was honestly just chillin’ for the while watching plup/mang0 and now it’s 1206 and gonna sleep soon cause long Richmond day tomorrow but PORTER ROBINSON!!!

[gayasianminimalist]

Too comfortable?

I’m wondering if I’m getting to a point that I’m too comfortable with where I am. I feel myself constantly in a battle wanting to change things up and being content with where I am. I’m not sure what direction I want to be going. I’ve only been working for 7 months, so in reality not that much time has passed. But at the same time I feel like time is speeding past me. October is already passing by in a breeze. I’m happy that the holiday’s are coming up though, I get more days off. Going to sleep early and waking up early has kind of put me into a more stable routine again. And I really am a person of routine, I barely stray from my schedule during the work week. At least this past week that’s how it’s been. I’m going outside for long runs again which feels really nice. I haven’t made a new workout program for myself yet, but I’m not sure where I want to go in terms of fitness. I’m kind of just sticking to workouts I’ve been doing for most of the year, it’s less work for me than thinking up of a new workout. I would have to dedicate a few hours to figuring out what my new focus is first of all before building up my workouts. I also was thinking about going back into job hunting again since I’m not sure if I still want to stay in the same company when next year comes around. Not to mention I also want to take my Professional Engineering Exam, so I don’t know if I should start focusing on that first. 

Basically I don’t have a clear plan for the future, I’ve kind of lost something else to work towards. I’ve never been one to set like a LONG long term goal. Planning for the far future has always been something that I avoided. I think that it’s about time to give that a go. I was planning on doing an end of the year reflection and goal setting for next year anyways, so might as well throw in the really long term planning in there. 

Wow it’s so funny how quickly my body will adapt to new changes that I throw at it. Ever since I started sleeping around 10 pm last week, my body automatically gets tired like a couple hours beforehand. For crying out loud it’s only 8 pm right now and I feel like I’m ready to go sleep. Welp, I really do appreciate having more energy going through my workdays. And especially with the new program I’m doing, I feel like I need extra focus. Doing some important inspection work that I need to be pretty alert about. 

Really random but I also thought about making a giant ass list of people I need to contact and visit whenever COVID calms the fuck down. I really think I’m missing the social part of my life, but I’m getting so accustomed to it that I feel like I’m not reaching out to people as much as I used to. I really want to hang out with so many people I wish I could just set aside a whole month or so just so that I get the chance and time to hang out with everyone that I want to hang with. 

I think I’m losing sight of appreciating things in the present moment, that’s always a hard thing to do but especially now I feel that is really appropriate. I don’t want to be stressing constantly of what I should and shouldn��t be doing. But at the same time if I’m having thoughts where I constantly want certain things, I need to be making plans to work towards what I want. It really be a daily battle with myself. Guess my brain doesn’t know any other way to be honest. 

Today was a pretty nice day though, I went out with my youngest sister to buy some stuff. I bought a pencil case(which I been meaning to get for a while), green tea(I got 3 bottles and got a free cute bottle cover), and yan yan(OG childhood snack). My parents got me some airpod pros which I’m currently listening to music through, it’s pretty dope. And all afternoon I watched shows with my youngest sister. It’s always nice spending time with her and I keep her not bored haha. 

I guess being comfortable isn’t a bad thing, if things were constantly turbulent I don’t think I would be mentally stable. I wouldn’t be as grounded and level-headed, and I would definitely less inclined to make good plans for the future. I think a good takeaway from this is that I can get into the uncomfortable from a place of comfort. Otherwise if i had no comfortable, how would I know that I’m uncomfortable. That’s a weird way to think of this but honestly this thought isn’t that original haha. Anyways this seemed like a good night to think a bit deeper than usual, but I’m going to just binge some youtube before heading to bed. Goodnight world :)

[magzoso-tech]

New Post has been published on https://magzoso.com/tech/macbook-pro-16-first-impressions-return-of-the-mack/

MacBook Pro 16” first impressions: Return of the Mack

In poker, complacency is a quiet killer. It can steal your forward momentum bit by bit, using the warm glow of a winning hand or two to cover the bets you’re not making until it’s too late and you’re out of leverage. 

Over the past few years, Apple’s MacBook game had begun to suffer from a similar malaise. Most of the company’s product lines were booming, including newer entries like the Apple Watch, AirPods and iPad Pro. But as problems with the models started to mount — unreliable keyboards, low RAM ceilings and anemic graphics offerings — the once insurmountable advantage that the MacBook had compared to the rest of the notebook industry started to show signs of dwindling. 

The new 16” MacBook Pro Apple is announcing today is an attempt to rectify most, if not all, of the major complaints of its most loyal, and vocal, users. It’s a machine that offers a massive amount of upsides for what appears to be a handful of easily justifiable tradeoffs. It’s got better graphics, a bigger display for nearly no extra overall size, a bigger battery with longer life claims and yeah, a completely new keyboard.

I’ve only had a day to use the machine so far, but I did all of my research and writing for this first look piece on the machine, carting it around New York City, through the airport and onto a plane where I’m publishing this now. This isn’t a review, but I can take you through some of the new stuff and give you thoughts based on that chunk of time. 

This is a re-think of the larger MacBook Pro in many large ways. This is a brand new model that will completely replace the 15” MacBook Pro in Apple’s lineup, not an additional model. 

Importantly, the team working on this new MacBook started with no design constraints on weight, noise, size or battery. This is not a thinner machine, it is not a smaller machine, it is not a quieter machine. It is, however, better than the current MacBook Pro in all of the ways that actually count.

Let’s run down some of the most important new things. 

Performance and thermals

The 16” MacBook Pro comes configured with either a 2.6GHz 6-core i7 or a 2.3GHz 8-core i9 from Intel. These are the same processors as the 15” MacBook Pro came with. No advancements here is largely a function of Intel’s chip readiness. 

The i7 model of the 16” MacBook Po will run $2,399 for the base model — the same as the old 15” — and it comes with a 512GB SSD drive and 16GB of RAM. 

Both models can be ordered today and will be in stores at the end of the week.

The standard graphics configuration in the i7 is an AMD Radeon Pro 5300M with 4GB of memory and an integrated Intel UHD graphics 630 chip. The system continues to use the dynamic handoff system that trades power for battery life on the fly.  

The i9 model will run $2,699 and comes with a 1TB drive. That’s a nice bump in storage for both models, into the range of very comfortable for most people. It rolls with an AMD Radeon Pro 5500M with 4GB of memory.

You can configure both models with an AMD Radeon Pro 5500M with 8GB of GDDR6 memory. Both models can also now get up to 8TB of SSD storage – which Apple says is the most on a notebook ever – and 64GB of 2666 DDR4 RAM but I’d expect those upgrades to be pricey.

The new power supply delivers an additional 12w of power and there is a new thermal system to compensate for that. The heat pipe that carries air in and out has been redesigned, there are more fan blades on 35% larger fans that move 28% more air compared to the 15” model. 

The fans in the MacBook Pro, when active, put out the same decibel level of sound, but push way more air than before. So, not a reduction in sound, but not an increase either — and the trade is better cooling. Another area where the design process for this MacBook focused on performance gains rather than the obvious sticker copy. 

There’s also a new power brick which is the same physical size as the 15” MacBook Pro’s adapter, but which now supplies 96w up from 87w. The brick is still as chunky as ever and feels a tad heavier, but it’s nice to get some additional power out of it. 

Though I haven’t been able to put the MacBook Pro through any video editing or rendering tests I was able to see live demos of it handling several 8K streams concurrently. With the beefiest internal config Apple says it can usually handle as many as 4, perhaps 5 un-rendered Pro Res streams.

A bigger display, a thicker body

The new MacBook Pro has a larger 16” diagonal Retina display that has a 3072×1920 resolution at 226 ppi. The monitor features the same 500 nit maximum brightness, P3 color gamut and True Tone tech as the current 15”. The bezels of the screen are narrower, which makes it feel even larger when you’re sitting in front of it. This also contributes to the fact that the overall size of the new MacBook Pro is just 2% larger in width and height, with a .7mm increase in thickness. 

The overall increase in screen size far outstrips the increase in overall body size because of those thinner bezels. And this model is still around the same thickness as the 2015 15” MacBook Pro, an extremely popular model among the kinds of people who are the target market for this machine. It also weighs 4.3 lbs, heavier than the 4.02 lb current 15” model.

The display looks great, extremely crisp due to the increase in pixels and even more in your face because of the very thin bezels. This thing feels like it’s all screen in a way that matches the iPad Pro.

This thick boi also features a bigger battery, a full 100Whr, the most allowable under current FAA limits. Apple says this contributes an extra hour of normal operations in its testing regimen in comparison to the current 15” MacBook Pro. I have not been able to effectively test these claims in the time I’ve had with it so far. 

But it is encouraging that Apple has proven willing to make the iPhone 11 Pro and the new MacBook a bit thicker in order to deliver better performance and battery life. Most of these devices are pretty much thin enough. Performance, please.

Speakers and microphone

One other area where the 16” MacBook Pro has made a huge improvement is the speaker and microphone arrays. I’m not sure I ever honestly expected to give a crap about sound coming out of a laptop. Good enough until I put in a pair of headphones accurately describes my expectations for laptop sound over the years. Imagine my surprise when I first heard the sound coming out of this new MacBook and it was, no crap, incredibly good. 

The new array consists of six speakers arranged so that the subwoofers are positioned in pairs, antipodal to one another (back to back). This has the effect of cancelling out a lot of the vibration that normally contributes to that rattle-prone vibrato that has characterized small laptop speakers pretty much forever.

The speaker setup they have here has crisper highs and deeper bass than you’ve likely ever heard from a portable machine. Movies are really lovely to watch with the built-ins, a sentence I have never once felt comfortable writing about a laptop. 

Apple also vents the speakers through their own chambers, rather than letting sound float out through the keyboard holes. This keeps the sound nice and crisp, with a soundstage that’s wide enough to give the impression of a center channel for voice. One byproduct of this though is that blocking one or another speaker with your hand is definitely more noticeable than before.

The quality of sound here is really very, very good. The HomePod team’s work on sound fields apparently keeps paying dividends. 

That’s not the only audio bit that’s better now though, Apple has also put in a 3-mic array for sound recording that it claims has a high enough signal-to-noise ratio that it can rival standalone microphones. I did some testing here comparing it to the iPhone’s mic and it’s absolutely night and day. There is remarkably little hiss present here and artists that use the MacBook as a sketch pad for vocals and other recording are going to get a really nice little surprise here.

I haven’t been able to test it against external mics myself but I was able to listen to rigs that involved a Blue Yeti and other laptop microphones and the MacBook’s new mic array was clearly better than any of the machines and held its own against the Yeti. 

The directional nature of many podcast mics is going to keep them well in advance of the internal mic on the MacBook for the most part, but for truly mobile recording setups the MacBook mic just went from completely not an option to a very viable fallback in one swoop. It really has to be listened to in order to get it. 

I doubt anyone is going to buy a MacBook Pro for the internal mic, but having a ‘pro level’ device finally come with a pro level mic on board is super choice. 

I think that’s most of it, though I feel like I’m forgetting something…

Oh right, the Keyboard

Ah yes. I don’t really need to belabor the point on the MacBook Pro keyboards just not being up to snuff for some time. Whether you weren’t a fan of the short throw on the new butterfly keyboards or you found yourself one of the many people (yours truly included) who ran up against jammed or unresponsive keys on that design — you know that there has been a problem.

The keyboard situation has been written about extensively by Casey Johnston and Joanna Stern and complained about by every writer on Twitter over the past several years. Apple has offered a succession of updates to that keyboard to attempt to make it more reliable and has extended warranty replacements to appease customers. 

But the only real solution was to ditch the design completely and start over. And that’s what this is: a completely new keyboard.

Apple is calling it the Magic Keyboard in homage to the iMac’s Magic Keyboard (but not identically designed). The new keyboard is a scissor mechanism, not butterfly. It has 1mm of key travel (more, a lot more) and an Apple-designed rubber dome under the key that delivers resistance and springback that facilitates a satisfying key action. The new keycaps lock into the keycap at the top of travel to make them more stable when at rest, correcting the MacBook Air-era wobble. 

And yes, the keycaps can be removed individually to gain access to the mechanism underneath. And yes, there is an inverted-T arrangement for the arrow keys. And yes, there is a dedicated escape key.

Apple did extensive physiological research when building out this new keyboard. One test was measuring the effect of a keypress on a human finger. Specifically, they measured the effect of a key on the pacinian corpuscles at the tips of your fingers. These are onion-esque structures in your skin that house nerve endings and they are most sensitive to mechanical and vibratory pressure. 

Apple then created this specialized plastic dome that sends a specific vibration to this receptor making your finger send a signal to your brain that says ‘hey you pressed that key.’ This led to a design that gives off the correct vibration wavelength to return a satisfying ‘stroke completed’ message to the brain.

There is also more space between the keys, allowing for more definitive strokes. This is because the keycaps themselves are slightly smaller. The spacing does take some adjustment, but by this point in the article I am already getting pretty proficient and am having more grief from the autocorrect feature of Catalina than anything else. 

Notably, this keyboard is not in the warranty extension program that Apple is applying to its older keyboard designs. There is a standard 1 year warranty on this model, a statement by the company that they believe in the durability of this new design? Perhaps. It has to get out there and get bashed on by more violent keyboard jockeys than I for a while before we can tell whether it’s truly more resilient. 

But does this all come together to make a more usable keyboard? In short, yes. The best way to describe it in my opinion is a blend between the easy cushion of the old MacBook Air and the low profile stability of the Magic Keyboard for iMac. It’s truly one of the best feeling keyboards they’ve made in years and perhaps ever in the modern era. I reserve the right to be nostalgic about deep throw mechanical keyboards in this regard, but this is the next best thing. 

Pro, or Pro

In my brief and admittedly limited testing so far, the 16” MacBook Pro ends up looking like it really delivers on the Pro premise of this kind of machine in ways that have been lacking for a while in Apple’s laptop lineup. The increased storage caps, bigger screen, bigger battery and redesigned keyboard should make this an insta-buy for anyone upgrading from a 2015 MacBook Pro and a very tempting upgrade for even people on newer models that have just never been happy with the typing experience. 

Many of Apple’s devices with the label Pro lately have fallen into the bucket of ‘the best’ rather than ‘for professionals’. This isn’t strictly a new phenomenon for Apple, but more consumer centric devices like the AirPods Pro and the iPhone Pro get the label now than ever before. 

But the 16” MacBook Pro is going to alleviate a lot of the pressure Apple has been under to provide an unabashedly Pro product for Pro Pros. It’s a real return to form for the real Mack Daddy of the laptop category. As long as this new keyboard design proves resilient and repairable I think this is going to kick off a solid new era for Apple portables.

[stfnrchl]

playlists/associations

10 march 2019, 19:41, varsity house

playlists

i listened to this song for the first time since i left singapore, i never had the courage to even when things were good with us. before i left, you torrented the movie for me because we never got to watch it together. i said i’d watch in when i came to cambridge. i never did and i probably never will. i hid all the playlists we created, and i avoided all the songs that we sung together, that my brain naturally associates with you. i avoided them at all costs. there are a few in particular i couldn’t even allow myself to think about. the biggest one obviously is “to build a home”, but i’ve always avoided that. the next on the list is “always remember us this way”. i remember the first time i heard this song, you sang it to me when we went for k during our staycay. you sang it so beautifully. i sobbed endlessly while you sang it to me, for me. at the end you told me to always remember us this way. we promised we would. we went k another time, and i recorded you singing it. we promised again to always remember us this way. tonight, i listened to the original recording from the movie for the first time. i stood staring in the mirror and i listened to the entire thing. i broke down and i had to sit down so the whole looking in the mirror thing backfired ultimately. i wanted so badly to stop and abandon this silly plan the moment i heard the first note, but i forced myself to be there and to feel all of it for what it was. i felt the pain and meaning of every single lyric, but the most painful thing was hearing your voice. hearing you sing it to me. and remembering the way you looked at me when you sang it the first time. i remember sitting in that dark karaoke room, wearing your uniqlo jacket that didn’t keep me warm and most certainly didn’t absorb any of my snot and tears and i remember just hugging you and crying my fucking heart out. i felt all of that in my shitty, steamed up 2mx4m toilet. i must’ve looked ridiculous. my roommate heard me and texted me to ask if i was ok. i just said “yup handled it”.

the next set of music i avoid at all costs is taylor swift’s fearless album. i swear i hadn’t listened to that album unironically since like 2011 or something. during our time together in singapore, the way we always tried to get through a crying fit was singing dumb, fun songs together. the last night of our second staycay, i couldn’t stop crying, as usual. you hugged me and we sang through basically half her album. i remember “fifteen”, “fearless” and “you belong with me” the most. i remember half laughing and half crying because it was downright silly, we were hysterical. i remember us singing the second last chorus of fearless when it gets softer and we were both like “SHHHH..... i don’t know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and dragged me head first FEARLESS!!!!!! WELL I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT WITH YOU I DANCE IN THE STORM IN MY BEST DRESS FEARLESS!!!!!!!!!” i remember one of the cheesiest moments was when we were singing “and you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town” and i looked you dead in the eye and i meant it so much. your smile always gave me so so so much comfort. and i remember on our very very last day together at home, it was your turn to break, and i forced you to sing with me but you didn’t want to. so i sang to you by myself. i chose shake it off. when it got to the “my ex man” etc part, you covered my mouth and told me not to sing it. i remember holding you so close and just trying to engulf you in as much warmth and love as i could. 

associations

honestly, it’s crazy how the brain works. i swear. even without being conscious of it, my mind naturally makes associations even if i didn’t want it to. i literally mean everything. the other day i was watching this show dumb ass show “one day at a time” about a latino/latina (i am uncultured) family and basically their struggles and stuff in america. now, how the fuck am i supposed to relate this back to my ex boyfriend, right? wrong. a very woke show. woke. i taught you the meaning of this. throughout the entire 45 minute episode, not even exaggerating one bit, i somehow related, EVERY FUCKING SENTENCE, back to you. it even got to a point where i was like “ok let’s see if i’m conscious of it, how intense can it get”, it was fucking intense. that’s just one example. i see a ig story of bak kut teh and i have to click away. i avoid doing my skincare and hair care routine because i remember how you always said it wasn’t necessary and our staycay was the first time in literal years that i didn’t put a single thing in my hair or on my face. i don’t eat ice cream cos i remember how we just ate pints after pints of that cancerous diabetic shit. i see japanese stuff and i remember how much you dislike it. i see email promotions from Under Amour and Adidas and i remember the only reason i get those promotions was because of you. i remember looking for sweatpants at adidas with you and the salesperson was like “oh this is for your boyfriend” and we weren’t even together yet and i told you about it and i couldn’t stop smiling. i can’t cut my nails without remembering we went to muji, or as you called it, “mother chicken” which never failed to make me laugh, to buy my socks, your nail clipper, and looked for glasses for our drinks. the other day, i had to renew my passport. i remember how i couldn’t open my bag on the day i was leaving singapore because i was so anxious and you crouched down next to me and told me to breathe. anyway, i had to renew my passport and i needed my sg sim card in my phone. i removed my phone cover which you bought for me, and the little card you wrote for me dropped out. that was the first time i saw it since you gave it to me. i had almost forgotten it was there. i didn’t cry. i just sighed extremely heavily, and looked at it. i had to keep our box of things somewhere where i couldn’t see it directly, but my room is so goddamn small. i’d see it no matter what. that box contains the box covers of our airpods, my phone cover, the box for the condoms, the planners you gave me, our pictures, the DW box. the rings we made. the rings. i made a big deal the first time i found out you stopped wearing them. it took me a few days to fully understand the situation, and i decided to remove mine as well. i still wear the anklet and the little band made from the scraps you made me. 

so many things, everything. everything reminds me of you, and it really isn’t a bad thing. it’s excruciatingly painful, but it is not bad by any means. (lol i just saw the date and it’s gonna be 11 march and well, yeah. association again.) ok i don’t know (typed as “dunno”, which is what you do and i only started typing that way because of you) where i’m going with this, or if i was even meant to go anywhere with this but that’s that i guess. i hope you’re well, take care of yourself.