#and how isolated I've felt knowing that everyone around me mourns for a person I can never be again

[quadrantadvisor]

someday I'm actually gonna try to write one of my concepts for Danny/Jason because like. There is something so special and important to me about two dead boys reminding eachother how to live.

[wanderingblindly]

I keep thinking about your portrayal of Lando in Impasse of Biting (and this is going to be very personal and possibly somewhat incorrect so feel free to skip it yk) and I've decided to just write my thesis on it because fuck it why not

the way you describe a scene is always just so. vivid to me. like all the details and the subtleties make it palpable, it all flows so naturally I've never had to think twice about what the scenery is or where/how the characters are physically because it just stays, and this story stuck with me with a level of detail not many have. full disclosure I did not reread the fic before writing this (to preserve sanity) so some details might be off regardless. anyways.

what immediately stands out about Lando is how alone he feels, that he's isolated on a much deeper level than just being introverted would get you. the way I think about this is basically: when you treat/perceive life as if it was happening TO you without having a say in it, in a way you're not living in the same world everyone else is. events in your life, the actions you take, maybe even the things you think or want don't feel like they're in your control, they're not really connected to you. and since you're obviously different than those around you in how you process basically everything you become painfully alone. ("fun" fact I wasn't really able to relate to basically any fictional character for a looooooong time. they had motives and reasons for their actions. I didn't feel I had anything to do with that.) it's like you're an observer of your own life, playing a passive role rather than being alive, you don't feel like a person at all sometimes (which is why I think Charles' proposition has such a grip on him. it's a promise to be seen, wanted, needed. to be a real person with a palpable effect on their surroundings, to fill out a place in the world. to be known)

the way Lando then broke free of that, stood up for himself (because he realised he deserved to and could just do that) meant, like, a lot to me. just seeing my own experience reflected back at me like that, and then seeing Lando overcoming it gave me a lot of,,, not really hope (thankfully I did already battle it out) but more like, reassurance that no matter what I would've gotten away from that mentality (eventually). that I would not have been stuck in my own mind for the rest of my life. we don't really find out in detail why Lando turned out like that, but I know why I did, and for a long time I felt like my life was taken away from me in a sense, I had to mourn that. and it took a lot out of me emotionally, and sometimes I'm still afraid I might slip back or that in some alternate universe I never made it out. seeing someone else go through something very similar and leaving that situation happy meant. more than I can describe tbh

altough Oscar's character had less of an effect on me (tbf there's not really a fair comparison to be made) there is still a lot to be said about his complete refusal to accept himself as he is, that he had to be shown that he CAN and deserves to be loved before he even considered letting himself take what he needs also resonated with me a lot. in my mind they connect through their respective superstitions of being loved (idk if that wording makes sense tbh you might have to read my mind here soz)

it also stood out to me how Lando irl was a very shy (and likely lonely) teenager, who would actually find his confidence and subsequently very lively personality later in life. which I think is less a consciously written parallel and more like a characteristic of him that's naturally adapted into a lot of rpf works (I still find it noteworthy tho). and I don't know how much you, the author, ever experienced that, but admittedly I am curious about it (and completely feel free to not answer that btw) never before in my life have I been able to talk to someone about this very specific type of loneliness and felt like they actually understood. like when I explain it logically everyone can imagine it, but I don't think you can truly get it unless you've been through it yourself, which thankfully not many have.

I'm not usually the type of person to cry reading fics no matter how deeply miserable they make me (ex: Casual by loquarocoeur. that fic ruined my life but I never truly felt like crying about it) EXCEPT for when they resonate with me on a personal level apparently because I quite literally cried myself to sleep after Impasse. like it GOT to me. I needed that I think, so above all thank you (as you can tell I've thought about this a totally normal and healthy amount, I also think it's important to let people know when they've had an impact on you so here we are) (even if I'm too much of a pussy to not do this out of anon lmao)

- anon with the "letting go" answer to the smut poll thing (getting such a positive response to that gave me the motivation to write this so like, keep being lovely c:) (and ps. I'm not gonna say sorry for sending you a literal essay because that would be lying and lying is bad but for the record, I did NOT intend for this to be nearly 1k words long and I completely understand if it was intimidating enough to be skipped or procrastinated)

(impasse of biting)

oh my god,,,, oh my god can I,,,,, can I kiss you on the forehead,,,,,, this is possibly the most beautiful ask I've ever received. And, despite you not having read it a second time, you are SO right on so many fronts. In fact, some of these points are almost word for word lifted from my rambling to the homies on discord during the writing/brainstorming process.

I hope you don't mind a small essay in response, ft. some screenshots (if I can find them).

the way you describe a scene is always just so. vivid to me. like all the details and the subtleties make it palpable

I've said it a million times, but this is always the highest praise imaginable to me. I never believed in settings/scene descriptions as my strongest point, especially considering my aphantasia. I'll go cry now.

when you treat/perceive life as if it was happening TO you without having a say in it, in a way you're not living in the same world everyone else is.

I swear I said nearly this exact thing, word for word, to someone while I was planning this fic. It's the one screenshot I can't find, and I'm pulling my hair out about it, but in short: Y E S. That's exactly the brand of loneliness I wanted to describe. Because Lando's issue isn't introversion, it's not that he can't put himself out there and be loud if he wants to, it's more so that any time he tried to in the past, it didn't... work. It was like everyone was operating on different assumptions than him, or getting different signals. And that repeated experience beat him down to the Lando we see in the fic.

It reminds me of this comment I made:

I wanted to emphasize the loneliness with this overarching sense of... helplessness. And that's the reason it was so painful to Lando at certain points in his life -- the perceived lack of agency.

(which is why I think Charles' proposition has such a grip on him. it's a promise to be seen, wanted, needed. to be a real person with a palpable effect on their surroundings, to fill out a place in the world. to be known)

You get it! You get it!!!!!!!! I was also thinking about why Lando would stay with Charles despite it not really getting better. Like, yes, the urge to be seen and wanted and needed would get him in his grip, but why would Lando stay? And I realized it all came back to the idea of apathy as a misrepresentation for acceptance:

for a long time I felt like my life was taken away from me in a sense, I had to mourn that.

First of all, I'm really really glad that you've gotten yourself to a better place in your life -- and I'm glad that reading this helped you feel seen and understood in your journey. This specific wording really resonated with the way I tried to show Lando's relationship to his lot in life; I wanted him to be angry because I wanted him to be grieving. I wanted him to be mad at himself for letting himself get to this point, and I wanted him to feel that ambiguous, hard-to-pinpoint anger that comes with mourning.

Him being mad at himself felt really key to his character development, because it exemplifies him taking control of his own life. By getting mad, by being ignited from the inside, we see that he realizes it was, to an extent, always in his control -- and he chose to let himself watch life happen. Obviously the reality may not have been that simple, but the mentality switch felt really vital to me.

in my mind they connect through their respective superstitions of being loved

I totally may be misunderstanding you here (sorry!), but I definitely see what you mean here -- and I agree! The fact that they both have equal but opposite... hang ups about love and life is part of what brings them together. Lando believes he's only good for giving and resents that, Oscar believes he's only designed to take, and he would rather die than give in to it. What I really loved about the resolution to this dynamic though, is that they didn't actually change -- Lando still gives, and Oscar still takes. But it's the connotation, the feeling behind the behavior, that shifts. They didn't have to change who they were, intrinsically, to find love that leaves them feeling safe.

I don't know how much you, the author, ever experienced that, but admittedly I am curious about it

Hmmmmm I'm honestly not sure that I've felt this exact brand of loneliness before, but I used to frequently grapple with like... the fear that I was living life correctly, especially when I was younger. I lived a very straight and narrow life in high school, I didn't party in college, I didn't have my first partner until I was 23, etc etc. A lot of the milestones that felt really normal to my peers just... didn't happen to me.

It's all tied pretty intricately to my asexuality, I've realized, but I described my relationship to a lot of the world as feeling like a doll, or maybe a large scale art piece. I was admired a lot, aesthetically, but I didn't really exist in the same way that a lot of "women" (ish) did.

So, no. Probably not what you went through at all, but perhaps a different genre of it :) I just like thinking about emotions hahahaha. Though my DMs are always open if you'd like to talk more about this sort of thing, I contemplate it often <333

I quite literally cried myself to sleep after Impasse. like it GOT to me

This must have been kinda scary to admit, even on anon, but jesus christ THANK YOU. I never imagine any of my works like, resonating with people. Mattering at all, really. I still don't entirely believe that people read the nonsense I put out there. But god, this is like.... it. It's possibly all a casual writer could ever hope to achieve. Thank you again, I don't even have the words <3333333333333333333333

so like, keep being lovely c:

NO U!!!!!!!!!!!! MWUAH!!!!

[kranom]

hi don't mind me I just need to overshare about my deeply personal relationship to a video game so I don't explode. um I mention suicide ideation but only in the past-tense.

Pillars of Eternity means so much to me. it was exactly what I needed at the perfect time. I only played it because I was in an awful place mentally and I wanted to watch an avatar of myself die - it felt like the sort of game that would have a heroic suicide ending, killing yourself to save the world and watching ending slides where everyone mourns you.

I expected the Watcher to be a standard protagonist. the specialest little guy in the world, loved by all once they start sticking their nose into the right peoples' business.

and then they started hallucinating, like I do. and they started having visions of themself doing terrible things to people, like I do. they started having night terrors and twitching and talking in their sleep, a thing that had started happening to me months before I played the game.

so then I expected fallout. I expected their companions needing to be convinced that they're not an inherent threat, that it's safe to be around them, that they know it must be so scary to watch someone grapple with perceived psychosis. the game, I expected, would be about convincing everyone in the world you're a hero instead of a monster.

and then!! the opposite happens. the companions and the narrative acknowledge that the focus should be on the Watcher, that their comfort and safety takes priority in this new and likely frightening situation they find themself in.

I still tear up thinking about the companions' reactions. Hiravias stopping everything to make sure his new friend isn't hurt or physically sick, everyone else casually saying that, yeah, sometimes the Watcher stares off at nothing and talks to themself in a dead language, but it's okay, it's just something they do. no cause for alarm.

Kana offering to get the Watcher set up with a job in Rauatai if they don't like adventuring(only to apologize in case it sounded like he was mocking what they're going through, telling them he'll always be there to listen if all the soul-reading starts to weigh on them). Edér threatening to dump water on them if they take too long to wake up from their nightmares, his thinly-veiled anxiety framed as being scared for the Watcher, not because of them. if Hiravias has a conversation like this, I've never seen it, and I'd do anything short of learning how to code and tear the scripts out of the game just to see it.

on another note, Hiravias!! raised to worship a God that he's told hates him for the form he's most comfortable taking, seen as a monster by his family. my most beloved trans allegory, he felt like a reflection of me- but where I leaned into my demonization, seeing myself as a pariah in order to protect others and my isolation as something a brave soul might save me from- he leaned away from it. he insisted, in the face of all this betrayal, all these years of isolation, that he was a person, that nothing he did could ever take away his personhood. Hiravias felt like someone giving me permission to do the same. to believe the same things. I'm a natural rule-follower; that permission changed my life.

I know it's all fiction, it's just a game, every interaction runs on a script. but those scripts are sources of hope for me. I've never had anyone check in on me while I'm having an episode, I've never been told that I'm not a monster, but in this small emulation I can imagine what it would feel like. more than that, I'm not putting myself in the shoes of a seemingly neurotypical protagonist who's suffering under fantastical circumstances. to an outside observer the Watcher is hallucinating. they're describing what sounds like intrusive thoughts. this is what characters are reacting to, with kindness and empathy to an extent I wouldn't have thought to dream of.

the first time I played the game, I rushed through it. I didn't touch the DLC. I wanted to know where the punchline was. I wanted to see how the Watcher was ultimately punished for mental illness. for 17 hours I tensely waited for a punchline, but it never came. so I played it again, immediately, because no other piece of media before or since has had such a profound effect on me.

I saw parts of myself, parts that I hid and hated, dragged to the forefront of a conversation I could easily step away from. my entire view of myself was destroyed and rebuilt kinder within the span of a few days. other things about me changed, too. I was in a perfect position, vulnerable and raw and falling ass-backwards into a new lease on my life, to truly accept other things the game said.

I was raised in an awful, close-minded household. I will spend the rest of my life unlearning things my mother taught me, I think. I had been doing an okay job of it, though I still associated strength with violence. perfect time, perfect place- my Watcher pointed out that Kana was likely inherently violent due to his size, and he responded by asking them if they held other (fantasy) bioessentialist views, if they saw orlans as animals, and I chewed on that for a long time. there's a running theme in general that we don't choose the forms we find ourselves in, and Pillars of Eternity helped me internalize that. Kana was a lynchpin there, as unremarkable as other people seem to find him.

I think I've explained my mindset at the time pretty well. I mentioned that I played this game solely hoping to play suicide. there's a point in the third act where the Watcher asks how to cure their hallucinations, and they're told that killing themself might make things go away, at least for a while. when I reached this conversation, I, without thinking, immediately dismissed the idea. the game had been telling me that being alive and mentally ill, being alive and entirely isolated, being alive and traumatized is always better than being dead. and somewhere along the way I started believing that.

after playing this game, it genuinely felt like I was seeing in color for the first time. that might sound ridiculous and corny, but I felt like someone had looked at all the worst parts of me and told me I was no less worthy for them. and suddenly everything seemed visibly brighter, painfully bright. I would take my dog outside and the grass burned my eyes. I could feel my own heartbeat, something I tended to block out because I resented it. a sudden constant thrumming in a world that hurt my eyes. I was overwhelmed, overwhelmed for months. and it was indescribably wonderful.

[girlvinland]

I feel like I’m coming to terms with the fact that where I am right now is not really where I want to be. It’s sort of been in the back of my mind for years now- apparent in my thought processes and the things I’ve told close friends and whatnot, but it is true that once you sort of settle into a routine with someone it becomes harder to let go of it bc it almost becomes like a safety net- getting out of it seems like it would be very scary and hard. After tangling myself up in something like that for so long, I realize a lot of pressure to get engaged came from outside forces (this isn’t what I actually want but it’s what I’m supposed to be doing in a certain timeframe or w/e, nor is this the person I really want to spend my life with but it’s been too long to do anything about it now so I’ll resign myself to it despite feeling like I’m just a roommate of someone). Looking back, I feel like I made the wrong choices, but I also feel like hindsight is 20/20. I also also feel like I ignored so many of my own feelings so many times that when things started to feel “too real” it finally made me kind of freak out internally. A lot of this, too, is extremely related to sexuality and my exploration of it since I was about 15 or so (which is kind of sad since I’m over 30 now but it is what it is, esp where and how I grew up). Like you look back at all the ways you hid or deprived yourself bc you felt like certain things were not an option for you (given a variety of reasons), and when you finally start to come into yourself everything begins to make sense. The worst part of the entire thing is hurting other people unintentionally, especially when they’ve been good to you. The best part is seeing some sort of freedom ahead of you, a way to actually get back to being yourself again. I think the thing that finally woke me up was like, finding a wedding venue and realizing I cannot see myself continuing on this path and actually finding happiness, but rather I’d just be resigning myself to thinking I’m doing what I’m “supposed” to be doing to please everyone else around me. Like a low-level numbness for the rest of my life instead of actually living and being happy and making someone else happy. And also just like, going back and kind of reviewing past relationships/friendships, the sort of envy I had at seeing my wlw friends get the life I wanted and thinking I could never have it bc I'd already carved out an inescapable, depressing little niche.

At this point in my life, I think my best option is to split amicably and just get back on track for myself- go back to school like I wanted, find another job I enjoy, keep up contact with my friends and make new ones so I don't isolate or anything. I just feel like having an engagement and experiencing a little bit of sadness that you're like entering a new phase of life/letting go of some old stuff is probably normal, but also being excited is probably part of it. I don't think having a complete breakdown and mourning your life and sexuality is as normal (then again I've never done this before and idk what other people experience). I just don't want to like go through something w/ someone out of obligation and then years down the line keep wishing I hadn't done it, don't want to like, someday be questioning those decisions when I know pretty much how life would be if I stayed. I feel like I'm realizing the longer you drag things out the harder it gets to change it, and I don't want that sort of pain to be worse on anyone someday. So, that's kind of what's been going on in my life lately. Just trying to work through it all and see what I can do to get back on a life track I actually feel good about.

[digitalta]

( you probably get these a lot but...here i am)

i've read antithesis about 3 times, i always stopped reading around chapter 66 because it was too painful, but it's one of my favorite works in fanfiction. i convinced my sister to read it (it's like...the second fanfiction she's ever read) and she's absolutely engrossed, and today is the day i finally finished reading this tragic masterpiece. (now there's a void in my heart).

what i mean to say is...thank you (for the angst, for the drama, for the comedy, for everything). i don't know what to say or even how to say it, this is such a humane and tragic story that touched me so much that i can't even formulate a semblance of what i really want to say and what it means to me. so, thank you.

oftentimes i found myself so entranced in your writing that i feel like i didn't register the best pieces of writing and identified what could be some quotes to add to my all time favorites.

by chance, do you have a compilation of antithesis's best quotes or poetic tidbits you can share with us please?

and thank you, really ♡

So, I got this Ask a few days ago, and I’ve been sitting on it and looking at it constantly.

First- no. The number of messages never EVER take away from the meaning behind them. I could receive four messages, or four hundred, and I treasure each and every one. You are an individual with completely unique experiences and views. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, not thrown into a list of messages from nameless people.

Reading the story isn’t easy for some people. It’s all a matter of perspective, and how we can connect with it and how we can hurt from it. I am so proud of you for finishing it, and finding meaning at the end. 

There are...sections? Of the story that I am incredibly proud of. Pointing out quotes from memory is impossible based on the insane length of the fic.

So I tried to find individual portions that meant a lot to me, as an author and writer. I have a style of writing that I started to refine much further in the story, which appears often in the end. Surrealism and lyrical twist that is more akin to poetry than standard literature. Those lines are the ones I’m most proud of.

A few more popular quotes are those I still enjoy.

Truth be told, moments I actually enjoy appear in the middle and towards the end.

Ch. 36: "I could have been raised to kill Potter." Adrian tried again, desperate in his attempt to scare the man.

"You could have been," Remus agreed, with the faintest glimmer of sympathy, "And if you were, I would give you freedom to live away from expectations or requirements. I would give you an opportunity to follow what you want to do, and not what you were raised to do."

"It wasn't your fault Adrian," He repeated carefully, "and I'll tell you that every day for however long it takes for you to realize that. You weren't abandoned because of who you are. It wasn't your fault."

Ch. 37: He had never thought of her as someone with individual dreams and desires, an individual life that everyone would mourn and miss and remember.

She hadn't...she hadn't (or had she always been?) a person, in his eye. She was just an object, a possession of the wrong side…He had left her behind, left her lying in a pool of water too weak to stand or speak. He had turned his back on her and left her on the floor.

Ch. 38: The man's eyes were bulging, his hands were gasping against his torn and butchered chest.

"He is prey," Nagini simplified, "Prey are eaten."The man gasped something wetly, it sounded faintly like a plea.

What had he done. What had he done?

Ch. 40: "I know, I just...I do things on my own." Adrian paused, trying to elaborate but struggling with the words.

"Ah, I know how you feel." Remus smiled slightly, something nostalgic and yet so terribly pained, "We all have our own burdens to carry."

Ch. 40: Luna noticed, and she smiled something soft and sad."You know, I think you'd be a wonderful thestral.”

Ch. 44: She turned, opening her mouth and displaying saliva and venom soaked teeth, as long as dinner plates, "And do you, Cerastes, have anything to your name that make others cower? Or are you a hatchling child who dreams of prey far too large for his teeth."

"That's not true," Adrian shook his head in denial, knowing his face was flushing ugly with his anger. His scars itched and his eyes were burning and his nose was filled with disgusting snot.

"Are you crying?" Barty asked, sounding like he was going to burst out laughing, "as if the Dark Lord would find you useful!"

"Master," Lutain unhooked from Barty's leg, slithering across the distance, "Master that is not true,"

"It is," Adrian swallowed, a lump the size of a walnut was lodged in his throat.

Ch. 45: "That's why you wore this dress." he realized, speaking out loud as the epiphany struck him. "So people would stare at you. Instead of staring at me."

"People always stare at me," Luna offered dismissively, "I'm different and people don't like that. I think it scares them, like thestrals do."

Ch. 46: Luna smiled enchantingly, "Adrian you're good at spells."

"I'm really not," he automatically blurted.

Luna's eyes searched his, flickering from one back to the other, "Why are you arguing? Why do you think you're so...mediocre?"

"Because I am!" Adrian blurted, face feeling warm as he flushed against his will. Luna's spell faded out. She whispered it once more, squinting into his face as if looking for something in particular.

"I don't think you are," She confided, "I think you're brilliant."

Ch. 46: Adrian's throat moved three times as he nervously swallowed, "I...I'm not good enough n-"

"I'm afraid you're going to do something stupid for the approval of someone that doesn't matter." 

Ch 50:  "I tried, but the little demon went savage on Mundungus again, stabbed him with a fork and looked right happy with it." Sirius grimaced.

Ch. 50: "How was your summer?" Luna asked curiously. "You look terrible."

"You know, most times you're supposed to compliment me first." Adrian dryly commented, "It's wonderful to know you're so sweet."

Luna shrugged, "You look like something's eating you."

Ch. 50:  Skylar's jaw flexed, twitching as he refused to look away from the window, "Cedric really...I saw Cedric die. I saw him die, and you saw someone die, right in front of you, years ago."

"I was young," Adrian swallowed, his throat felt dry, "I barely remember it."

Skylar gave a single bark of laughter, bitter and sharp, "You don't- you don't just...just forget about it." 

"Yes you do." Adrian blurted, not even hearing the slightly pained whine in his voice. 

Skylar looked haunted, "I...I remember his eyes. They...Merlin, his eyes."

"I don't think I'll ever forget it," Skylar admitted quietly, "What Cedric looked like. Laying there, on the grass. He, he was just...alive, and then… and then he wasn't."

"It wasn't your fault." Adrian spoke, his voice a hoarse whisper.

Ch. 54: “You’re not unlovable, silly.”

Ch. 56: “I could set this entire room on fire,” Adrian mused quietly. “I could burn this entire house down and kill you. burning people smell a lot like burning meat.”

Sirius realized, that he was afraid. He was quite afraid actually.

Ch 57.: Adrian stilled, pausing as if in thought. He looked at Remus with half lidded eyes, the yellow far too bright to be anything but alarming. "Do you like me, Remus?"

Remus felt as if he was mourning for the loss of something gone, which was impossible. Adrian was right there, but he felt so far away. He felt as if he had changed truly, as if something hideous had condemned him to something so foul, he had accepted it.

"Of course I do," Remus spoke, voice strained and distorted through his distress, "Adrian, you know I do. Why would you ever think I wouldn't?"

Ch. 58: "I thought I was insane." Adrian mused without much emotion, "Disturbed. Psycho. Spastic. Mad. Mental. Thick. Freak." Adrian's body twitched in a small spasm, "Loony." he practically hissed out.

Remus breathed through his nose carefully, "Who called that to you?"

"Nobody," Adrian murmured quietly, "Everyone. They think it, everyone does. Selwyn has a few screws loose. Selwyn is a freak."

Remus gently set aside the comb and scissors. He ignored the few scraps of hair, and instead slid forward slightly so that his weight was a nearby presence for Adrian.

"That isn't even my name," Adrian whined, shaking across his shoulders, "I- I just want to be good."

"You are good, Adrian." Remus assured him, "You're exceptional."

Ch. 60:  "Oh I know," Adrian hummed back, carefree as if truly it was barely of importance, "my life is a tragedy. I think I hadn't cared to truly involve myself to my full capabilities. Now...now with a deadline, I think that It's time for me to step forward."

Ch 60.:  "You love me," Adrian whined out like a dying animal. (Which, he supposed, he was).

Ch. 63: I know what it is like, to be unmade.I know what it is like, to be nothing.And through that, I know I am not.

Ch 64.:  "I'm surprised you never noticed, in all honesty." Adrian mentioned with a wry smile, "after all, professor. I have my mother's eyes."

Ch 65.: For now, all Adrian had was himself.In the sweet smelling heather and deep earthy peat bogs out of sight, in the moonlit shadow of a moss covered mountain which towered over an isolated cobblestone road cut from the mountain itself; Adrian found peace.

Past Chapter 65...honestly, each chapter is filled with absolutely gorgeous one liners. I pulled out small quotes above that I found really stuck out to me, or had some sort of important meaning. It would be impossible to pull out every single quote, basically because it would take so much time.

What’s your favourite?

[youremypeople]

Cordelia

(picrew by @lullindo)

“We become by ceasing to be”

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Album: Wildlife — La Dispute

(references throughout, denoted by 🍄)

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Major Arcana: Death

(art by Leonardo Mazzoli)

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Messy dark auburn hair that is roughly cut to medium length, worn loose

Sullen hazel-green eyes

Freckled tan skin

No piercings or tattoos yet

Has a worn switchblade-style dagger kept in a pocket on her right hip

Has a druidic totem made from a crow’s skull with a cracked hole in the top, worn around her neck

Wears a leather backpack and a leather bracelet

Wears a simple earth tone outfit of dark green pants, beige shirt, and leather jacket — barefoot

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Race: Halfling

Gender: Vaguely nonbinary (AFAB)

Pronouns: Any (typically she/her by default)

Sexuality: Lesbian

Age: Twenty-two

Height: Three feet

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:: The Circle ::

An extremely reclusive halfling druid circle that centers above and around a single ancient fungus that spreads throughout a great canopy forest. The main body of the organism — the mycelium — grows and spreads underground at root depth, just out of sight. Every autumn, it blooms bioluminescent mushrooms on the surface, and its glowing spores are spread on the wind.

Their ideology and practices are based on fungal life. There is beauty in decay. Life and death are parts of a cycle, with one leading to the other and then back again. Death isn’t the end of life, but instead a change of state that sees life shift into a new form. To best emulate this ideal, their way of life is imitative of the creeping pace and aimless entropy of fungal life.

Their way of life is extremely isolated — not just from the outside world, but from each other. Each individual is to live their life like a spore floating on the wind, like an appendage of the whole. Children have no special relationship to their biological parents, often not even knowing who their parents are. Once babies have been weaned, they are raised by other members of the circle.

Fungal psychedelics are an important part of the circle’s connection to the land. A rite of passage for a young druid is for them to eat a particular mushroom alone in the forest at dusk on the first night of the autumn blooming of their thirteenth year.

Members are raised to live alone, wandering and tending to the forest of the fungus. When members’ paths meet — usually by happenstance — they silently exchange simple information about any unusual happenings or needs of the land, and then go on their way. Outsiders are watched silently, and not interacted with unless they pose a threat to the land.

Individualism and sentimental attachments are forbidden, as death is not to be mourned. The only importance is that the cycle continues.

:: Backstory & Relationships ::

Cordelia tried her best to live according to the way of the circle, but always struggled with it. From an early age, she secretly kept journals that she filled with sketches, lyrics, thoughts, and dreams.

🍄 One: a Departure

i used to never think of death… i used to feel like everything was perfectly in order, a normal life, but i guess then came a departure.

🍄 Two: Harder Harmonies

there's a melody in everything

i'm trying to find a harmony

but nothing seems to work

nothing seems to fit

🍄 Five: a Letter

i've always struggled at the root of the problem. has it been absence or my constant lack of defense? i've never spent a lot on finding a remedy. i guess i figured that it hurt for a reason. i guess that's why i've always turned to writing it down.

🍄 Thirteen: all our bruised bodies and the whole heart shrinks

do you think if the heart keeps on shrinking, one day there will be no heart at all? and how long does it take? am i better off just bursting or breaking? because i don't see my heart getting strong.

Father Figure — “Jones”

A stoic middle-aged man of few words, Jones followed the circle’s tenets almost completely. He raised Cordelia and taught her most of what she knows of druidism and life in general. His one personal indulgence outside of the code was the lute, a very undruidic instrument. He kept it secret from everyone except — eventually — Cordelia, and secretly taught her to play.

The winter when Cordelia was fifteen, Jones was killed by outsiders. Cordelia finds his body, and then — unable to emotionally process the loss — tracks down and murders his killers with his dagger. Feeling no better, she returns to Jones’ hut. She takes his lute, and hides it away for herself, not to play it again for years.

The pain of Jones’ death continues to stick with Cordelia, contributing to her doubt and resentment of some of the circle’s tenets.

🍄 Five: a Letter

sometimes things happen and you can't do anything. plus, i'm the only one who deals with it anyway.

i know that i should be finding another way. i know that i should be seeking a substitute. but just forgetting never really made sense to me. so i haven't been.

do i feel embarrassed about it? i think you know the answer to that. i think you'd probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me, wouldn't you?

i know i should've moved on ages ago, been happy already, but it's never been that easy for me. or maybe it was me that made it so hard.

maybe i never tried hard enough, and it is my fault.

First Lover — “Dianthi”

Cordelia had met Dianthi — another member of the circle — a handful of times in their childhood. Dianthi is a skilled tanner and leathercrafter about Cordelia's age.

When Cordelia was hiding her feelings of mourning for Jones, Dianthi was one of the few who noticed how much it hurt, and she felt for her, but kept her distance.

Slowly, Cordelia and Dianthi started to become interested in each other. The two girls secretly went out of their way to encounter each other more often, but wouldn’t admit to themselves what their feelings were.

The summer when Cordelia was nineteen, they began to secretly spend time together, gradually becoming emotionally and romantically close over the course of two years.

🍄 Seven: The Most Beautiful Bitter Fruit

it's like medicine, it's self-discovery. all the secrets i keep, why are they secrets? it's only temporary, that fleeting feeling of warmth, just a flash before the line gets blurry between a longing for more than what the body wants now and what the body wants now more than anything.

was it integrity that kept my hands to myself or just the thought of getting too far ahead of you? was it that i got too tired of the consequence? or was i just scared? i only know i never wanted to get left behind.

i want to feel it out. i want to know how it works. i want to know if it was worth it to worry — about the ghosts i feared would haunt the memory, about the damage that i'm sure the fear has done to me now.

After struggling with it for a long time, Cordelia asks Dianthi a question which has been eating away at her:

Cordelia shared parts of her journals and played the lute and sang for Dianthi. Dianthi crafted gifts for Cordelia: a backpack, a bracelet, a jacket, a waterskin.

C: “Dianthi… Would– would you care if I died?” (Defying core tenets of circle ideology)

D: “…W–what? Why ask that?” (In truth, Dianthi would care, but she’s too ashamed and unprepared to realize or admit it)

C: “…Would you?”

When Dianthi fails to answer, Cordelia isolates herself from Dianthi.

Soon after, Cordelia exiles herself from the circle, taking her few belongings with her, except for Jones’ lute, which is left to decay in the forest.

🍄 Six: Safer in the Forest / Love Song for Poor Michigan

last snowfall left splinters, and some winters never end, neither wane nor wear. and sunshine is like lovers, and some summers just pretend, only warm the air.

i'm tired of the feeling here, it's too near to death.

i've been thinking of exile. i've been thinking hit the highway and head up north. i've been thinking cross the bridge and don't turn back. the only warmth is a warmth alone.

i need to leave. i can't marry this place. i won't bury the past, i just need a change of scenery. i will hold these old trees sweetly in my head

Like Her.

🍄 Fourteen: You and I in Unison

what will i find? some sacred thing to help me handle the tragedy? or did i once– did i have it and lose it?

no one should ever have to walk through the fire alone. no one should ever have to brave that storm. no, everybody needs someone or something.

[flowers-that-i-sent]

Tw: domestic abuse/stalking/hallucinating/drinking/ednos/ drugs/ptsd

*going to continue at some point*

*tldr: my abuser has been dead for years but I see his face everyday on strangers. I just saw him walking a dog down the street and its triggering me to isolate and be mute right now.

_________________________________________

When I was in my late teens I started to date this guy. He didn't really like me and idky he even played me out the way he did. I persuade the relationship and asked him if we could make it official. He said no but literally a minute later agreed. I barely remember how long we were together before he tried to call it off.

My dumbass begged him to give me another chance. It was obvious he didn't want to but again agreed.

[This was my fault. If I didn't beg for another chance things wouldn't of gone so far]

The next few months we started drinking more. His spit fire tongue turned towards me weekly. Daily. Hourly.

Coming from a home of verbal abuse i ignored it. It was normal.

I started to believe the horrible things he would say to me.

"Stupid."

"What were you thinking?!"

"Goddd!!" Followed by rolled eyes

Pokes my fat. "Eewwww!" Followed by a disgusted face.

I didn't realize it at the time but he was trying to push me away. Im assuming at least. Who would say those words to someone they wanted in their life.

When summer came things became more intense. He started obsessing over me now. I've gained about 30lbs from drinking and a poor diet. I was about 18 when I dated him and had little care about my appearance. I had less knowledge of health, fitness, and diet then I did of basic aesthetics.

Even though he belittled my appearance he didn't want me to leave him. After each public fight in front of his friends he pull me to the side and beg me not to leave.

Now, I can't remember if this part is in my head or really happened. I remember feeling like he said no one would want me because of my weight. This was around the same time I found out he was cheating on me. The girl was small. Blonde. Firery. Pretty in a whorish way.

He admitted to it the night it happen and apologized. We decided to work it out. And by working it out I mean I ignored him as he wildly cheated on me.

He continued with the Blonde. She knew of me. Who I was. That I was dating him. She projected flout on the outside and raging jealously on the inside.

She spat on me. She spat in my hair.

She walked away while pointing and laughing. The coward ran into her friends house before I could even get out of my seat.

He did nothing but sigh.

And we drove off.

_________________________________________

We ended up at a good friend's house. I told her what happen. My friend wanted, and would of, kicked her ass but I said I would take care of it. She expressed how I would let it go. How I was too nice of a person to do anything.

She was right. I let it go. This lead to a new depth to the abusive wedge I allowed into my life.

I am now a doormat.

The guy continued to cheat: tall, cute, super thin brunette; average height, pretty, super thin black hair. Besides their pretty faces they all had one thing in common. They were underweight.

I was still overweight and I thought he would stop if I lost the weight. So, I started doing something I haven't done since I was a child.

I stopped eating.

The weight slowly started coming off but I still ate like a pig (in my mind at least). I remember the day I decided to puke for the first time.

After I dropped everyone off for the night I bought a large sub, diet soda, and some breakfast sandwiches. I parked my car near a lake i did homework at and inhaled the breakfast. Grabbed my plastic bag and put my fingers down my throat. It hurt so bad. I teared up. I choked on food. I continued to eat. And I continued to force it back out.

It was working. I was losing weight. The restricting. The puking when I ate bad foods. The weight was coming off and people we noticing.

The Blonde who spat on me didn't even recognize me at a party. I remember her looking me up and down with a wtf expression. He still cheated on me with he though. He still cheated on me the the Black Haired girl.

As I lost weight he became more insecure. His abuse turned from verbal and emotional to physical. He always had a hint of control hovering over our relationship but that wasn't enough.

I can't remember when in the relationship it started but I remember what he did.

Pushing against the wall.

Head bunting.

Knife to throat

Attempt to crash my car while I was driving.

Guilting me to have sex.

Grabbing onto me until I said I wouldnt leave.

Blackmail.

One day I finally got the courage to leave him. I noticed other guys started looking at me. I was done. I knew I was finally pretty enough for someone else to love.

________________________________________

I decided to end it in a public place. Bluntly. No words just action.

We met up for lunch at a deli with some friends. I knew he wouldn't get physical in front of them. Just verbal. I ate my protein bar and drank my coffee. His hands were wrapped around my waist. Causal conversations filled the air.

It felt safe.

This was it. This was the time to move. He allowed me to unhook his arms. I started walking towards my car. He knew. I walked faster. Open the door. Got in. Locked it with in less then a second to spare. As soon as the door shut and locked i heard the handle being pulled. I heard the THUD! of the outside door handle drop. Unopened.

I made it.

I turn my engine on and drove off. He tried to stand in my way but I didn't care I would of driven off with him on my hood if it came down to it. Thankfully it didn't. On my drive to a safe location I was crying uncontrollable. The feeling was unreal. He called me on my cell phone minute after minute after minute. He continued for 30-60 minutes.

Now here's where there were more problems.

All of our friends were OUR friends.

I tried to stay friends with them. I even dealt with the fact that he would be at some parties months after i left him.. I just had to avoid him. He ended up stalking me. He broke into my car and stole my credit card and license. Said he would steal my identity if I didn't get back with him.

This happened at a real friends house and the cops were called. He was arrested. I didn't see him around for 2 years (he was at a party i was invited to). I cut almost all those mutuals out of my life. They didn't believe me anyway.

See, he was very charming. Very funny. Very manipulative. I was painted as the bad guy. The crazy one that yelled at him at parties. The one that started everything.

_______________________________________

Days turned into weeks. Months turned into years.

I weeded out the people who still hung out with him while I was present. He ended up heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol. As well as myself.

He got arrested.

I got a college degree.

He went to jail for selling guns

I got married.

He took a plead deal and joined the army.

I bought a house and started a family.

He got kicked out of the army.

He contacted me 10 years after I broke it off.

I didn't know about the guns. If I knew I wouldn't of replied to him. I was very court with him.

"I'm happily married. Own a home. College educated. Pregnant with my first child." He respond back but I never answered. I just wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know that I made it.

A few months later he OverDosed on Heroin.

Before he died I would hallucinate seeing him in cars next to me or in stores. It was never bad. Just once in a blue moon. Now its weekly. Multiple times a week to be frank. And I dont know how to make it stop.

Its also so sad. Even years later no one who remained friends with both of us believes me when I tell them how bad it was. They still mourn him every year while I fear his ghost everyday.

* need to edit later