#and i can't sell myself for shit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sparklyeyedhimbo · 11 months

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me: i'm going to send out applications today for also other jobs

my undiagnised performance anxiety: no you won't

#i hate myself for this #i am sending out hecking applications out since febuary..and nothing comes back..or i get the lol you are to old pls don't take it the wron #way response #well sorry for me not really knowing what i want to do and only now realizing what i want to do #i have to fight against 16-17 olds and with me having to work while looking for something is really really getting to me #i am this close to giving up and be the lazy old hag #that these companys make me feel like #if my self esteem could get any lower #and i can't sell myself for shit #like i was having my morning coffee with my dad and i was like I WILL DO THE TASK #now i am sitting here crying because i can't do the thing #and don't get me started on finding a #psychologist #sorry for blasting this here but i am really not feeling well

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bootyful-seventeen · 6 months

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i am too mentally exhausted to even deal with this shit anymore with my mom and grandma and low key wish i'd go comatose for a few years to be left alone tbh

#had a clean up service come by to see the damage and give a quote on the estimate and my grandma wasnt having it #she got upset and started crying to them about she has only 1 daughter and is trying to help her and they're trying to tell her that keepin #all that junk isn't gonna be helping anyone especially my mom but she wasn't getting it and i said i'm not helping clean the junk that's #all around the house cuz i'm tired of it all and having to manage my emotions since i am for sure emtotionally stunted from my childhood #and have to deal with a schitzophrenic mom and an absent sister who's balls deep in denial while i'm struggling to find a job here #and my grandma always stressing me ot saying she's gonna kick me out isn't fucking helping here at all like she thinks it does #so when they left she spent all day sobbing on the phone how i'm a terrible granddaughter who wants to throw out good stuff #when i'm not gonna keep helping sell shit for my mom cuz my sister can do it as her family contribution since she did nothing since dad die #and the thing is i gave them all options on clearing shit out cuz i know this family by now and shit doesn't get tossed but it migrates #cuz i said months ago i can ask some friends if they could come down and help sort and declutter #grandma said no to that and said she'll kick me out if i do it and she didn't want to pay for my mom's shit to get moved into a storage uni #she leaves the clean up to my mom and i think the backyard got worse but she didn't call anyone to throw out the junk like she threatened t #so i call a fucking hoarders clean up service cuz that's what my family is on my mom's side at this point and the city will be called too #and she has this reaction cries all day and calls everyone to say i'm horrible and yells at me saying i'm the one killing her with stress #when she's already been doing that for months to herself when i'm just tired and possibly mildly depressed or something idk #i barely leave my room and don't go outside except to walk my dog but idk cuz my family's attittude was we don't go to doctors cuz #cuz they're for crazy people but of course it's gotta switch up for my mom and no one else and i'm just sick of it all #grandma doesn't accept free help and she won't accept help that i pay for myself with my money set aside for school so i'm done #unlike her when i say i'll do something i stick to it so i'm not doing shit anymore unless i can call a friend to help with this mess #it's gonna sound like such a horrible thing but i can't wait for my family to die so i can live in a clean home again and get help #like deep serious help cleaning and big time grief councelling cuz i barely had time to process my dad's death and being the one to find hi #and that was just this february like god i am going to need so much fucking therapy in my future it's almost rediculous #and probably say screw my mom's side and visit my dad's side a lot more since they seem to be the normal ones in this shit family tree #at least they're not stupid and leave junk everywhere where one neighbour getting sick of not being able to sit outside and enjoy their yar #without mountains of junk staring them right in the face and landing a notice from the city to clean up especially since #we have chainlink fences and at least 7 neighbours can see the backyard and everyone can see the front porch when passing by #i'm just tired of living in these suffocating households and even wanna file a report myself to kick them into gear #its horrible living like this and no one should live surrounded by junk and things they never use or even garbage

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taupewolfy · 18 days

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genuinely nothing gives me a greater source of anxiety than this bullshit. I'd rather go up on stage and talk to a crowd that doesn't give a shit than this

#i literally did that frequently. for work. it was scary but it was fine #job searching however? i'd rather flay myself #my greatest source of stress helped by my nothingburger skillset #just put me in front of a computer and let me punch numbers i don't need certs for that. i can do that easy peasy #< you can't say shit like that though 'just trust me' doesn't sell you

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sailoreuterpe · 1 month

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life sucks and then you die

seems just about right

every step forward, another step back

and always fight or flight

as soon as one crisis ends

another finds you free

to worry and weep and sigh

there's always stress to be

hope for the best, expect the worst

our motto and our creed

I'm just so fucking tired of "worst"

I just want to be freed

from constant sorrow and pain

when will my ship come in?

I'm just so fucking tired

life sucks, you die--the end

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medicinemane · 3 months

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I don't know... I'd like to be able to give more, miss when I used to be able to donate to stuff

...feel like the fact that I haven't been able to afford to fix a cracked pipe for 6 months and that if I do get a plumber in here to fix that faucet I'm probably gonna need to give up the cheese money I finally got ahold of says that maybe... maybe it's not overly unreasonable of me to say I can't donate to anything but... it sucks

...able to buy a house in 2019, a $90k house mind, but a house none the less so... I don't know... I don't know...

Always been a kinda funny mutt where I've mostly been poor enough because of my mom that didn't eat half the time, but had solidly middle class grandparents in the background who could smooth things over... but weren't willing to enough that their grand kid actually got fed

So I don't know... both always felt kinda broke as shit, but also way to rich for that to be true... same thing here... feel broke from not being able to get a pipe fixed for over half a year, but rich in that I fucking have a house at all

But anyway... wish I could donate to shit, not that it would help even a little in the end, but still... wish I could, even a little

#think my mom will donate to stuff; in addition to paying a personal assistant for her writing that makes zilch and it's like...#don't know how to deal with you with all this #we are... living off your disability checks... and you go blowing them on shit like that #I don't know... I'm not pleased #not pleased about a lot of big things in the world I can't fucking effect #not like I'm a senator or some shit; not like even other random pricks on here are gonna listen to me let alone world leaders #but also not please cause if I could just get myself to do shit I could probably have a pretty great life in like 5 years #make the soap and sell it; clean the house; do some gardening; start cooking #like 4 hours of my day and I could build myself a paradise and I just... refuse #no matter how much I beg myself to I just fucking won't #I'm fucking trash

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chaotictomtom · 10 months

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omg....finished making my last sketchbook to digital like ive finished to put the entire pdf together.....omg...im finally done.....i have 7 more to go but. at least the others are like as a bundle. this one as it is the most recent one and has okay drawings in it i felt like selling it on its own. and. ill be able to put it on my ko-fi shop tomorrow let's goooo

#it'll be a pay what you want/can price #but might start at 5€ as ive put. many many many many many hours into the scanning every sketchbooks + going through the files separating #each drawings. step i haven't even finished. then doing every pages with like the summary title pages etc etc etc #and i couldn't even count the amount of time ive spent on the actual sketchbook so'#i think this might deserve a few bucks </3 5€ is still selling myself short but im kinda desperate and broke #being broke i also get ppl not being able to afford pricey things too #i know this is probably hurtful to the “Artist Economy Value™” or some shit but. shit's hard 💀 sold only 2 zines and one being from my bff #so. i need it #now that i have a Child to feed (cat that we saved)#da beybey..... da beybey needs food #anyway either way i feel like loosing as if i put the price as i should i feel guilty for ppl who can't afford it #and on the other hand i feel guilty of participating on the whole thing abt artist being underpaid #each way! a big ass L! + no one buys my shit anyway why am i stressing out abt this smh #tomtom_is_rambling

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wachi-delectrico · 1 year

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we shouldn't have let the internet have the phrase "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism"

#rambling #it means that an exploitative system cannot produce goods that aren't in some way funded by the exploitation of the people #and that we shouldn't let corpos and big companies wash their hands off selling ''ethically sourced'' products or green-washing their shit #and that we cannot truly have change happen unless we do something to stop capitalists and their influence #there may not be ethical consumption NOW but if we fight capitalism and its unethical production conditions WE CAN HAVE IT #but NOT by reflexively feeding the capitalist machine #IT DOESN'T MEAN you can just keep buying and supporting whatever you want regardless of its direct or indirect material damage on you #just because you now have this magical sentence to retort all criticisms with #''well there is no ethical consumption under capitalism so i will keep consuming things unethically''#why can't you instead go ''there is no ethical consumption under capitalism so i will do something about it even if small''#it's just mindless complacency with a glossy coat!! that's exactly what capitalists want!! AAAA!!!!#if i had a penny for every fucking person i've seen saying that shit about that stupid wizard game i myself would be a multimillionaire #like GROW A FUCKING SPINE #dear goddddddddddd #i'm UPSET!!!! >:c

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applejarjar · 1 year

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Shitstorm of a day

#Person I was working with today broke down and cried #I broke down and cried #I'm just so pissed and disappointed #Ppl act like we're not giving our all and hold things against us that they have no right to #We can't help that our backgrounds are just different #And we're in this program to make up for our shortcomings of not having direct plant experience #Like we are here for a reason it's not just for shits and giggles #And the me that goes into these plants is a different me than the one at home #Because I am going into a place with the intent to do work and absorb as much information as possible #So I'm sorry if I don't ask you about your home life when I'm being paid to learn the process and how plants differ #I'm trying to do my job and most of that is ask questions about the process and how things are done #I'm not here to unnecessarily take up your time and shoot the breeze with everybody #I tell myself that otheelr ppls opinion of me doesn't matter but have I been failing this whole time #Do most ppl think I'm too shy to do any job in the future properly #I'm not always this quite but I just don't like spending my time unproductively #I was told that this was the time to sell myself and show the plat a that I mean business #But has it all been for naught? Are they just taking this 2d impression of me and writing me off?#I fuckin can't right now #Can't believe I'm crying over this after I promised myself to do better by myself and say fuck em if other ppl don't like me #I just don't have the strength to deal with this rn

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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 1 year

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Hmm. I'm just now remembering how stressful moving is.

#it's expensive. it's fast-paced. it's a lot of planning #I'm moving across the damn country. i want to hire movers because it's terrifying to rent a uhaul #they should not let anyone rent those. you should need a specific license for a uhaul #anyway i want to hire movers to get that shit across the country for me BUT I'm afraid they're gonna be hella expensive #and I'm going to have no money at the time that i move #so if i can't hire a mover. I'm just gonna pack anything i can fit into the two cars that are going. and abandon the rest #which would suck because ive collected a lot of shit in my time here #so I'm kind of looking at my belongings like 'hmm do I really need that?'#and it would be nice to have a reset but also like. that's my stuff #and i have to get everything clean. because I'm going to work at a summer camp. and then two weeks later I'm moving #so before i go i need to get everything clean and ready to go to save myself some stress #but cleaning is hard. I'm trying to marie kondo my stuff. decide if i want to sell donate or trash #it's not easy. none of it is easy. i forgot how stressful moving is. and last time i moved i only moved 40 minutes away!!#now I'm moving 12 fucking hours!!!!!!!#i have my best friend and my gf to help but god. this is a lot #wish me luck

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flammenxci · 2 years

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In light of recent events I am seriously thinking about buying an MMA dummy I can body slam.

#i need to take out some aggresion #physically exerting myself with rhythm games in vr isn't cutting it anymore #but also need it to serve as a body double to get shit done #you have no idea how frustrating it is that you have the ability to help someone you care about #and. they. don't. take. you. up. on. your. offer.#my dad's been in a massive amount of pain in his back and arm #to the point where he can't lay down to sleep #he slept on his knees propped up against the bed facing it and then moved to his chair #i asked multiple times if he needs me to take him to the doctor #i even slept in my clothes last night just in case he needed me to rush him to the er #but since he's 'feeling better than he did that last few days' he doesn't see the need to rush to the doc #ASGDHGKAHDJGAJMDHL #this is like him being against me helping him pay the bills until eviction was staring him in the face #BRUH!#Like my good sir why the FUCK do you think I bought a house in my name and let you live here #TO HELP YOU YOU DENSE GUMBY!#i let him buy another golden oldie because he had to sell his to pay for divorcing from my narc mom #let him use my old suv to bring an antique fridge home home he wanted to fix and use #but as soon as he really needs my help it's 'oh no I don't want to be a bother'#MOTHER FUCKER I HAVE HELPED YOU THIS MUCH DAFUQ MAKE YOU THINK I DON'T WANT TO NOW?! HMMMM?!

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coffeebanana · 1 year

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i'm smart like "i want to re-learn/practice calculus in my spare time", but i'm not smart like "i want to learn things that will actually have practical applications and help me figure out what to do with my life"

#kayla rambles #i am actually very excited to be excited about STEM things again #and honestly i do still want to learn coding which IS practical #but. something something intelligence doesn't get you all that far in a world where you only get anywhere by connecting with other ppl #and i'm not terrible at social skills or anything--i'm solidly mediocre #but working in retail is reminding me that i hate being fake. i can't do the whole 'lie to sell a product' thing #i can't even do that when the product is me and i KNOW i don't give myself enough credit when trying to talk myself up #so it's like...even if i do find something i want to do? i'm still going to get stuck at the 'i can't sell myself' part eventually #which is STUPID because i actually have lots of self-confidence #but interviews and shit always feel so FAKE #akjfbskejfbskj anyways that's this morning's ramble/rant/whatever

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jessi--ac · 1 year

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#not feeling it today lads #don't know if it's a midlife crisis a year earlier or what #like at that stage where you feel like no one really likes you and it's all a elaborate trick #and who am i to think im that important?#i will never tell any of my friends this because i think it's very disregarding of their feelings but i cannot help feeling this #and it's always spurned on by outside factors #because I'm really trying to not do this shit to myself #but a itty bitty little thing happens outside of my carefully constructed mental boxes and suddenly i feel like the worst shit #I don't like to think life isn't worth but what's the purpose? purposes?#capitalist society is really good on selling a type of life that's unachievable #like half of the people i know can't do it but i always focus on the ones that can and it frustrates me to no end #what am i doing wrong?#what's the catch?#what have i forgotten?#why am i like this and not like that?#really not feeling it today lads

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falling-hand-in-unlovable-hand · 2 years

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someone help me i've got fucking orientation tomorrow

#it's literally gonna be all day it's five hours and starts at eight wtf #and we get assigned into random groups so that's gonna be fuckin awkward #and now it's just one last day of summer gone smh #kiwifae says shit #my parents keep trying to sell that i should be excited for school again but literally why would i be excited to be back to constant stress #dragging myself out of bed early in the morning and feeling constantly exhausted and being piled on work and not having any classes w my #friends or gf and always being hungry bc i can't eat early in the mornings and having literally every mental issue i have exacerbated #i used to love school but now i feel like my brain doesn't work the same anymore and i have such high expectations on me that i can't bring #myself to care about anymore

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