#and i don't want to distract myself too badly from those

[wrongplaceworsttime]

me considering getting back into opm like:

i’ll just read the whole thing! oh wait that’s 160 chapters? hmm nevermind then, i’ll just read the monster association arc. that’s when i left off anyways, so that means i start at... chapter 78?? you mean this single arc is over half of the entire series at this point?! wait... if that’s the case then why not read from the beginning? 

or i guess i could always go find the last chapter i was caught up with and start from there... but that was years ago and i doubt that i remember the specifics of the arc :/

[hitomisuzuya]

Scaramouche x fem!reader. Smut. Degradation. Praise. A sprinkle of sensory deprivation. Possessive behavior. College AU

Tagging @xxventiswindblumexx cause they linked me to this playlist that had random voice lines of Scara speaking in the middle of song and it distracted me so many times. They watched my struggle on chat lol. Song choice is ET by Katy Perry.

Scaramouche had no idea if you could feel his glare piercing into you. He sat on the edge of his bed, watching you work.

Your hair was in those long loose pony tails you divided your hair into sometimes. He especially loved to pull on them, especially if he wanted a kiss or something more.

He could smell that you'd changed your perfume to the scent you wore in the winter months. He thought the light pink color of the perfume in the bottle didn't suit you the first time he had sprayed it on his wrist so he could smell you. He doubted you knew he'd first done that while you were taking some new first years out on a trail ride. But the scent, the scent suites you well, he thought. Scaramouche was positive winter had a scent, it would smell like your perfume.

Then let the world be sentenced a lifetime of frost and snow.

Scaramouche heard you hum softly to yourself, some song you'd heard on the radio earlier.

He'd had enough. How dare you make noises that weren't being caused by his touch. How dare you smell so good.

But most of all, how dare you act so composed with your precious concentration unfazed, not focused on him, especially now that you were alone with him. Scaramouche knew he could snap your concentration like a twig underneath his feet. Even better that you were focused on something horse related. It was the extra cherry on top for him.

I mean, it must be so exhausting, concentrating so hard when you were around horses. One wrong move and things could go badly in an instant. All it would take was a single loud noise.

Scaramouche smacked a hand down on his desk next to your hand. He got a sigh but nothing more than that. He'd made corner of the paper flutter a little. He reached up and tugged on one of your ponytails, curling the end around his fingers. His eyes widened when he saw goosebumps prickle onto your skin.

Time to push a bit more.

He tucked a some stray strands of hair that had fallen loose from your ponytails behind your ear. "This isn't important to you anymore," he murmured, husky in your ear.

You shivered when you felt his breath lick at your ear. You stiffened. "I need to get this done, Scara. I told her that I would help her with this new horse," you said, doing your best to ignore him.

Scaramouche took the pencil out of your hand, snapping it in two, his black nails contrasting with the wood. "No, you don't. You said yourself that they aren't a good match. She is too *green and the horse is too young. She can barely saddle him without crying to you for help. Don't coddle her. She probably thinks she is your equal."

He laughed, sounding like honey in your ears. "Look at me, the nerdy horse girl is making me use terms I don't understand. I'm just as pathetic as you are."

You flicked the pieces of the pencil across his desk, brushing off the paper filled with notes and tips. "Takes someone green to know someone green, Scara," you replied.

His eyebrow twitched.

"I don't think you heard me, slut. I believe I made myself clear that you are finished helping her. It is not your job to look after them. Especially not when I want your attention instead," he snapped, yanking on one of your ponytails. "These are my rabbits feet to tug on as I please. You were wearing your hair like this when we first met."

"As their Captain, it is my job," you said firmly. You needed to have a firm hand to handle Scaramouche. He loved that about you. Usually everyone was afraid to talk back to him. But not you. "Five minutes, okay?"

Scaramouche's fingers brushed against your throat, hovering a hand over your eyes. "Those five minutes have already passed," his hand dipped down into your shirt, groping one of your breasts.

You would focus on him like he wanted.

"I can hear your heart starting to pound. You are frantically trying to figure out where my hand is going to go next. I wish I could see the look on your face," he pinch your nipple outside of your bra, his mouth watering when he pulled your first sigh of pleasure.

Time to stop on your concentration and composure and grind it into dust.

Scaramouche's hand left your bra to trace his fingers along the length of your neck, dipping into your shoulders and down your arm. "Your body is begging for my touch. And your mouth certainly doesn't lie either. You are starting to moan whether you can hear yourself or not." Unbuttoning your pants, he probed his fingers against your clit, making a damp patch form. "It doesn't take much to wind you up. You are already wet for me."

You moved one of your legs so that your knee rested against the side of his desk. "You are making it hard to concentrate.." you trailed off, grinding up into his fingers.

Now he had you right where he wanted. Time to make you squirm a little. Dent your pride and make you submit completely. "Admit it, say you would rather ride me instead and I may grant you the privilege even though you back talked me."

"You are impossible..ahhh.." his fingers dipped into your panties and between your folds. The sensation was heightened from lack of sight.

"You want my fingers, don't you. Just say it, your time belongs to me first and foremost. I don't give just any whore my time and attention. Only you have that honor," he rubbed the pads of his fingers against your clit, teasing his fingers at your entrance.

You choke back a whine, pressing your thighs together for my friction. You hated that he made you feel so weak so fast. Maybe some part of you wanted to act undignified, that you were tired of always conducting yourself with a straight posture and a polite tone.

"What, no comeback for me. If that's how it's gonna be then," Scaramouche paused in thought for a moment. Taking his fingers off of your pussy earned the sweetest sound of desperation. He pushed two fingers into your mouth, pressing down in your tongue so he pump his fingers in your mouth. He laughed again, making you moan as you sucked on his fingers.

"You always suck on my fingers like you suck on my cock. Your mouth looks the prettiest wrapped around it. Now say it, kitten. Say you want me and I'll gladly let your slutty mouth go to work." Scaramouche removed his fingers, tugging the your hair ties out your hair. "I'll need all of your hair to fuck your throat. Now use your words."

You couldn't offer him a response as he pulled you the your hair to your feet. Instead, you showed him by sinking to your knees.

*green means a beginner.

[aceistheplace86]

Strawberry & Pine pt 3

//Y'all don't understand how badly I just want to make everything heartbreaking sad but I have to do somethin called "groundwork" or whatever... You guys are safe for now.

How on earth did she know his name? His real name!

“Look lady, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Stan said quickly “I’m Stanford. Stanford Pines. Mister Mystery. Always have been.”

Julie held out her hand “Show me your hand” When the man made no sudden movement she nodded “I knew it”

Stan’s eyebrows furrowed together “I don’t understand what's happening right now.”

Julie glanced around the mostly empty diner and then back at him “I knew something was odd when I started seeing your face on bumper stickers for the “Mystery Shack”… his face” She said quietly. “Look. I have lived here in Gravity Falls for a long time. I knew your brother. I helped him with his studies” She paused “I was there when he…” she trails off.

“I don’t know what scam you’re pullin’ but I’m outta here” He stood up and walked out of the dinner quickly. He got in his car and slammed the door shut. He started his car and looked in his rearview mirror, that’s when he saw her sitting in the back seat “What the-!” He screamed.

“Please let me explain” Julie spoke softly but hurriedly.

“How did you get in my car!”

Julie sighed and in a blur had disappeared, a streak of red light trailing behind her before reappearing in the passenger seat.

“Gah! Stop doing that!’ Stan yelps.

“I am one of the many anomalies that lives in Gravity Falls” She starts “I ran into your brother, Ford, one day in the forest. He almost got himself killed by a creature he was unprepared for” She gathered her curly hair and pulled it into a ponytail feeling a bit overwhelmed with it in her face. “I taught him about some of the creatures here, how to stay safe. Even made him a contraption that he could use to keep the powers of the stronger creature at bay. I taught him about myself”

Stan just stared at her confused “What are you exactly”

“To put it simply, a witch,” she tells him

“Why are you here? What do you want from me?”

Julie opened her mouth and then stopped for a moment. “I thought you were him” She whispers softly. “I thought he came back, I thought he was okay” She looked out the window “So I went to the Mystery Shack and saw how different it looked. I tried to keep a positive mind until I saw you, shook your hand”

Stan looks down at his hand and sighs softly “Sorry to disappoint.” He mumbled.

“There is no disappointment Stanley,” She tells him “At least not because of who you are. I figured you were the only other one who could understand something like this.”

He looked up at her and gave her a weary smile “So you knew my brother then huh?”

Julie nodded “Brilliant guy. But so hard on himself” She mumbled.

Stan just nodded “So you were there that night when I… when he…” He couldn’t find it in himself to say the words about the portal.

“I was there before that” She starts

“Wait. Before? Well, why didn’t you try and stop him before he even made the damned thing!”

“I did!” She looks at him “I tried to bring him back down to reality, but he was too far gone” She rolled her shoulders back and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “We got in a fight. He didn’t trust me” she tells him. “He used my own contraption against me. I was powerless” She recalled the memory. “I freed myself with tools while he was distracted and teleported out of there. I needed to regain strength before I faced him again” She looked down at her hands “I wanted to have a plan on how to help him… But I was too late”

He watches her, remembering how scared his brother had been that day he had finally been reunited. “Why didn’t you come to see me earlier?”

“I left Gravity Falls in search of a solution to bring him back,” She says “I know he wrote everything in those journals but I was under the impression that he had gotten rid of them.”

“Yeah,” Stan mumbled. “It ain’t an easy fix”

Julie looks up at him “But, I think I can help”

[hwascripts]

A Yandere Love Letter From Beelzebub

Before hitting ‘read more’ please be advised that this contains dark themes such as manipulation, toxic relationships, and overall yandere behaviour. I do not support or condone real life yandere behaviour, this is simply a work of fiction

Wanna read more? Head over to my directory

I’m back, baby. Did you miss me? Here's a steaming hot plate of yandere Beelzebub for you. Yandere Belphie and Levi coming soon.

Hi Baby,

I’ve missed you an awful bunch down here in the Devildom. You’re special to me, you know? I’ve been craving you for so long, but nothing can ever satiate me. I spend hours working out, cooking, eating, and hanging out with Belphie, yet nothing can distract me from my ever-growing desire for you.

I'm always famished, but this is an entirely different feeling. I’m starving for your touch, hungering for a taste of those sweet lips. I’m ravenous and mad without you. The lack of your presence is killing me, honey.

I don't know how much longer I can stand this, baby. You don't understand how badly I feel like tearing apart the human world until I find you and return you home to me. I desperately want to breathe in every last bit of your very soul, locking it away inside my heart for all eternity. I want our flesh to melt into one, our essence completely inseparable.

Baby, meeting you has been an absolute curse, and it’s driven me mad. I’ve been deprived of you for too long, honey. It’s been so long that you’ve given me no other choice.

If you don’t come back down on your own, then I’ll have to get you myself. I don’t think you want that, baby. Please don’t make me wait too long, I miss you horribly, and you know how much I hate scaring you when I’m angry.

So please, come down without fussing. Alright, honey? It would kill me inside if I had to hurt one of your loved ones.

Your favourite himbo,

Beelzebub

[rispwr]

still with you - JK - SPECIAL - FINAL

pairings : ex!jk x ex!reader, barista/producer!yoongi x reader

genre : fluff, angst

context : after everything that happened, yoongi can't keep this a secret to himself. you deserved to know, little did you know he has a special suprise for you.

word count:1k+ words

warnings/contents : dirty talking, slutty lingerie, yoongi LOVES YOUR BOOBS, oral (m recieving), big c yoongi, praising, yeahh

songs : right side of my neck, the part and after the party, die for you, pied piper.

Yoongi's POV

It's been four years since I managed to get Jungkook and his wife thrown in jail. 

Four years of keeping this secret from Y/N.

 Every time I look at her, the weight of what I'm hiding grows heavier. I know she deserves to know—she has the right to know that justice was served, that those who hurt her paid the price.

 But how do you bring up something like that? How do you tell the person you love that you went behind their back to make sure the people who hurt them were punished?

I've been waiting for the right time, but maybe there's never a perfect moment for something like this.

 The thought of telling her, seeing the shock and pain on her face, has kept me silent for too long. But now... now I feel like I can't wait any longer.

As I sit on the couch, trying to distract myself with mindless TV, an idea suddenly comes to me. A way to tell her that doesn't feel like dropping a bomb on our lives. It's not perfect, but it's better than this gnawing silence.

"Heyyy, babyy! I missed youuu, hm," Y/N's voice rings out as she bursts through the door. She doesn't even pause before she's in my arms, wrapping herself around me like a warm blanket. I hug her back tightly, lifting her chin so I can see her face. There's something about the way her eyes light up when she sees me that makes everything else fade away. I lean down, brushing my lips against hers in a gentle kiss. "I missed you more," I whisper against her lips.

We pull back slightly, just enough to look at each other, but I don't let go. My hand stays on her waist, grounding us both in the moment. She looks up at me with that curious glint in her eyes—the one that always makes me think she's up to something.

"Hey, babe," she starts, her voice soft but teasing. "My friend Joonie told me that Jungkook and his wife went to jail four years ago?" She pauses, watching my reaction closely. There's a slight smile on her lips, as if she finds the whole thing bizarre.

Relief floods through me, but I keep my expression neutral, not wanting to give anything away. "Mhm?" I hum, encouraging her to continue.

She tilts her head, that small smile still playing on her lips. "Crazy, right? I didn't even know that. Do you know why he got into jail?"

I force myself to shrug casually, keeping my tone light. "I've heard some things, but I don't know the full story," I lie, letting her take the lead in the conversation. My heart pounds in my chest, but I keep my face relaxed, waiting to see where she takes this.

She nods, her expression thoughtful. "I guess it's for the best, though," she says quietly. "After everything... it feels like some sort of closure, you know?"

I nod along, my throat tightening at her words. I want so badly to tell her the truth, to show her that I was the one who made sure justice was served. But I bite my tongue, knowing it's not the right moment yet. Not here, not now.

As the conversation shifts to other topics, I can't help but feel the tension ease a little. We talk about our plans for the evening, and before I know it, Y/N is inviting me to watch horror movies with her later that night. I agree, relieved that she doesn't seem to suspect anything.

Weeks pass, and Halloween is just around the corner. Y/N's been talking about it for days, excited to spend the holiday with her family. She loves Halloween—everything from the spooky decorations to the scary movies, it's like she's a kid again. I decide to surprise her, booking us a Halloween vacation with her family.

The night before we leave, I take her to get her nails done, making sure everything is perfect. I want this trip to be special, not just because it's Halloween, but because I know what's coming. I've been planning this for weeks, and now it's finally time.

We arrive at the vacation spot—a cozy cabin decorated for Halloween—and Y/N is absolutely in love with it. The place is decked out with all the classic decorations: carved pumpkins, cobwebs, and a few strategically placed skeletons. It's perfect.

As we settle into our room, I turn to her, my heart pounding in my chest. "Hey, I have a present for you," I say, trying to keep my voice steady. She looks up at me, surprised but intrigued.

"A present? What's the occasion?" she asks with a grin.

"You'll see," I say, my tone teasing. But then I take a deep breath, my expression growing serious. "But before I give it to you, you have to promise me one thing."

She looks at me curiously, her head tilting to the side. "What's that?"

"You have to promise me you won't be mad," I say, my voice soft but firm.

Her brows furrow in confusion, but she nods slowly. "Okay... I promise."

I walk over to my bag, pulling out a folder that I've kept hidden for four years. My hands tremble slightly as I hand it to her, my heart in my throat. "This is for you. Everything you need to know. Just... take your time with it."

She takes the folder from me, her expression shifting from curiosity to something more serious. She opens it slowly, her eyes scanning the contents. As she reads, I see the color drain from her face, her eyes widening in shock and disbelief.

"Yoongi... what is this?" she whispers, her voice shaking.

"It's everything," I say quietly. "Everything that happened. the reports and the justice that was served. I... I made sure they paid for what they did to you. I couldn't let them get away with it."

Tears well up in her eyes as she continues to read, her hands trembling. "You... you did this? For me?"

I nod, my heart breaking as I see the pain and disbelief on her face. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I just... I wanted to protect you. I wanted to make sure you were okay before I brought all this up."

She looks up at me, tears streaming down her face. "Yoongi... I... I can't believe you did this. I thought..."

I move closer, wrapping my arms around her as she breaks down in my arms. "You don't have to live with it anymore," I whisper into her hair. "You're free now, Y/N. You're safe."

We stay like that for a long time, holding each other as she cries. I can feel the weight of the past four years finally lifting off her shoulders, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Later that evening

after she's had time to process everything, I ask her to come downstairs with me. She's still a bit shaky, her emotions raw, but she nods and follows me.

When we get downstairs, she gasps in surprise. The room is decorated in a soft, romantic purple theme—her favorite color. There are fairy lights strung up everywhere, casting a warm, magical glow over the room. In the center, there's a small table with candles and flowers, and in the background, our favorite song is playing softly.

"Yoongi... what is this?" she asks, her voice filled with awe.

I take a deep breath, my heart pounding in my chest. "This... this is the second part of your gift," I say, reaching into my pocket and pulling out a small velvet box. I drop down on one knee, holding the box out to her. "Y/N, these past few years with you have been the happiest of my life. You've brought me more joy than I ever thought possible, and I want to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you've made me."

I open the box, revealing the ring inside..an elegant design that I know she'll love. "Will you marry me, Y/N?"

Her hands fly to her mouth, her eyes wide with shock and happiness. Tears well up in her eyes again, but this time they're tears of joy. She nods, a sob escaping her lips as she whispers, "Yes... yes, Yoongi, I'll marry you."

I slip the ring onto her finger, and she pulls me up into a tight hug, burying her face in my chest as she cries happy tears. I hold her close, feeling like the luckiest man in the world.

As we stand there, wrapped in each other's arms, I know that this is just the beginning of our forever. 

later

we then get to our room as i slowly put her on the bed. "baby i love you so much" she said wrapping her arms around my neck, showering me with kisses. "you've been a good boy" she then says as her hands makes its way from my neck to my lips, her thumb caressing my bottom lip, sending shivers down my spine. 

"mhm?" i hummed "i think for everything you've done for me all these years...you need a reward" she gives me a seductive smile. "i think i do" i replied to her. 

my lips then brushed against hers. our kiss becoming more and more intimate, her hands makes its way to unbutton my pants. "impatient much?" i chuckled "mhm so what if i am?" she says. i then pull up her grey silky dress up, revealing her purple lacy panties. 

soaking wet. 

"may i?" i asked her, making sure i have her consent. "ofcourse you can yoongi" she nods 

i then rubbed her clothed, soaking folds. "so wet?" i look at her making eye contact as the more i rubbed the more she releases her arousal. "please yoongi" i then finally take off her dress revealing her bra. 

her lacy purple bra with a tied bow that i needed to untie in order to take it off. "like it? it's your reward baby" she says, smirking at me, her fingers drawing patterns on my arm. "costume made?" i ask as she hummed. 

"best present ever" i murmurred as i gently untie her bra, taking my time to be gentle as much as i can. 

the bra fell revealing her bare breast. i then starts circling my tounge all over her nipple as she lets out whiny noises. 

she then stops me and orders me to sit down, my back resting on the headboard. 

"okay princess. whatever you want" i follow her order and do what she told me to do.

she then lays on her stomach, unzipping my zipper and pulls down my pants along with my underwear. 

she took her hands and teasingly started stroking it "mhm?" she says as she fastens her pace. i rocked my head back from her touch "fuck y/n" i grunt as she then starts putting it in her mouth.

normally with anyone of even my hand it would always take me so long for me to come but with y/n fuck. just her and that slutty lingere can already make me come. 

i felt my orgasm starts getting close "fuck y-y/n...i-i-i'm c-close" i stuttered from all the pleasure i've felt. "can i come??" i asked her, panting. sweat dripping over me. 

as soon as i saw her nod i then finally release my come. she took her mouth away taking my cock to her face as i release my cum on her face. 

she then gives the tip of my cock a kiss before going to me. 

i cupped her face "fuck. you're so beautifull" i praised her, taking my white release from her face to her breast. 

we then switched places. she was now under me.

"can i?" i asked again as my tip brushes her entrance. "mhm" she nods. i then put my cock in, giving her time to stretch herself and adjust to my size. "tell me when i can move" i tell her. "you can m-move now" she replies. i then start to thrust into her, my hands cupping her boobs. 

"f-fuck.. you drive me so crazy y/n" i grunt as i fasten my pace. i then took my hand from her boob to her clit, circling it making her body arch from the pleasure. "a-ahh yoongi!" she screams "like it??" i asks her "m-mhm" she moans. "words baby. words" i said lifting her chin "yes! yes.. please" she replies to me, her eyes rolling back from the pleasure. 

"i'm cumming" she says "me too" i reply. "c-cum in me yoongi. please" she begs me. 

i then finally felt my orgasm again as i finally release into her, covering up her walls into white as our cum mixes together.

i then pull out and gets a wet wipe from the bedside to wipe the mess i made with her, giving her aftercare. "you tired?" i ask her as she gasps for air. "no. care for a round 2?" she fires back making me chuckle "such a dirty girl"

few weeks later Yoongi's POV

The room was filled with soft laughter and the faint sound of wedding planning. Y/N and I were sitting at the kitchen table, surrounded by swatches of fabric, invitations, and a laptop open to various wedding venues. It was one of those rare, quiet moments where everything felt perfect.

"Yoongi, what do you think of this color scheme?" Y/N asked, holding up a piece of paper with a mix of lavender and deep purple shades.

I leaned over, taking a closer look. "It's beautiful. It'll look amazing with the decorations we talked about."

Y/N smiled, clearly pleased. "I think so too. And what about the invitations? Do you like this design?"

She showed me a mock-up of our wedding invitation, with elegant script and floral accents. I nodded, feeling a rush of excitement. "It's perfect. I think it's exactly what we want."

As we continued discussing details, an idea struck me. I reached for the stack of invitations and picked one up.

I took out one of the invitations and carefully addressed it to Jungkook. After sealing it in an envelope, I set it aside to be mailed

[deramin2]

Charts For Assessing Pain And Fatigue

As a person with chronic pain and chronic fatigue, I often find it helpful to use scales to communicate how I'm doing, both for myself to contextualize it and so others have an idea how I'm doing. It's especially helpful for doctors who take you more seriously when you have data.

But I'm really bad at just assessing it in my head, especially consistently. Internalized ableism means I always feel like I'm just being a wimp and I really minimize my pain. So assessment scales that make me look at my behaviors really help break me out of that and be more honest. They also keep me more consistent so the days is more useable.

Both scales in a spreadsheet

Pain Scale

This scale was given to me in a hospital with no indication of where it came from in a really basic badly formatted table. This is my cleaned up version formatted to be saved on a phone or printed.

0 - No Pain - Pain free

2 - Minimal - Pain is barely noticeable; tightness

3 - Mild - Feel a low level of pain entering awareness only when my attention is devoted to it

4 - Uncomfortable - Pain is troubling but can be ignored most of the time; am able to continue activities

5 - Moderate - Moderate pain but no break in activity or concentration; guarded movement patterns

6 - Distracting - Pain is troubling and breaks through concentration but is tolerable; activity level changes.

7 - Distressing - Pain is intense and preoccupies my thinking; can complete tasks but it is difficult and must cease some demanding activities; considering pain medication or other pain reducing agent.

8 - Intense - Severe pain that makes concentration difficult; can do only non-demanding activities; taking pain medication, etc. Can't carry on a conversation well, pacing , etc.

9 - Severe - Cannot concentrate on anything else; sweating, unsteady breathing, can do almost nothing. Can barely talk.

10 - Immobilizing - Excruciating pain, constant; unable to move.

Fatigue Scale

This was floating around Tumblr in the colorful version. I can't print it, I can't read it with the colors when I'm tired, and I wanted the scales to normalized going the same direction so here's my formatting version:

0 - Not tired at all.

1 - Slightly tired, but still able to carry on as normal with little to no difficulty.

2 - Finding everything more effort than usual, but still able to carry on.

3 - Tiredness makes it hard to enjoy activities that are usually fun, but still able to work or study (with some difficulty).

4 - Possibly able to do some work or studying, depending on how much effort it takes. May choose to work or study from home. Avoiding activities that take a lot of energy.

5 - Mostly unable to work or study (except low effort tasks that can be done from home) can go out (for example to buy food) but only if essential.

6 - Too tired to go out, but still able to move around the house and do activities that require little energy and focus. Preparing a meal is difficult. Can't work or study.

7 - Doesn't need to lie down and can walk around the house, but can't stand for more than a few minutes without resting. Finding it hard to eat some foods. Can't focus on anything easily.

8 - Able to sit up for a while and walk around the house if absolutely necessary. Unable to eat most food. Holding a conversation is difficult.

9 - Able to sit up for a short time and can walk short distances (with difficulty), e.g. to get a drink or go to the toilet. Can't eat.

10 - Can barely sit up. Needs assistance getting out of bed.

Sources

I don't know where either of these came from originally or who to credit, but I'd like to. (Normally I wouldn't repost people's work but the public benefit here outweighs those concerns for me.) Please reblog if you do and I'll edit it in. I just want them available to more disabled people.

[tillthelandslide]

Insufferable Arsehole - Part 6: Inside Your Mind

A/n: Hi everyone :) just want to say thank you to everyone has read this series so far, the support means so much to me and its mad to think some of my fave writers on here think this series is good! crazy to me but thank you thank you thank you!

Hope you like this chapter :)

warnings: smut, mentions of drug abuse, addiction and rehab

over 5k words

Series Masterlist

Part 5

Their lips were on each other's again the moment they were in the hotel room, the drive to this particular hotel had been torture. She had been teasing him from the moment they got in the car, allowing her thighs to spread, dangerously close to flashing all of the boys in the back of the car. The usual tour bus wasn't needed for this seemingly short journey (one which felt far too long with how badly he wanted her)

Her lip was being abused by her teeth and he could see her nipples pressed against the "I hate Matty Healy" shirt she was wearing.

The boys kept teasing him too, commenting on the fact he seemed distracted by something. He was very much distracted: by the tanned flesh of her thighs, by the visible bruises scattered across her neck (of which he just needed to attach his mouth and maybe teeth too, darkening them further), by the fact that her underwear was stuffed into his back pocket, by her lips which were just begging to be kissed and sucked; by everything that was her.

But now they didn't have to hold back, they could simply show one another how badly they wanted each other.

"We should probably have those drinks with the boys like we said" she said as his lips drifted along her neck, down to her chest, pressing against her collar bones. The t-shirt she had been wearing had been thrown across the room as soon as they entered the threshold, as were his trousers, shirt and her skirt. She knew she didn't really mean her words but wanted to see what he said.

"They can wait, let me have you to myself for a bit" he says, lips not moving from her chest. He pulls against her bra, revealing the swell of her right breast.

"Fuck how are you so perfect. God I don't deserve you" he says, lips wrapping around her nipple, her hands fly to his hair as her head snaps back and she moans loudly.

"Can't believe I haven't seen all of you yet. Doesn't seem fair does it love?" He asks and she doesn't even know what he's saying, not really, but she's nodding against him. Now she thinks about it, whenever they've done stuff before, either one of them had been partly clothed, the thought of being completely bare in front of him has her feeling a bit nervous.

As if he could read her mind, his lips stop their ministrations as he looks her deeply in the eyes.

"You're so beautiful love. Unbelievably so. I'm the luckiest, you know that right?" He asks as he takes her hands in his, pressing kisses along each of her knuckles, it was sweet, a clear change from how they were acting earlier.

"And we don't have to do anything okay? Not if you don't want to. I'm just happy to have you here with me. But if you want to go join the guys that's fine" he explains as she pulls him into her for a soft kiss. She was growing to like this side of him, a side she was just learning about, one in which they had barely scratched the surface of.

"I want to, I want you" she says against his mouth, he doesn't speed up his movements, he simply holds her against him, his grasp firm but not harsh. His lips move softly against hers, tongue making languid movements against her own.

He slowly moves them to the bed, hands supporting her back as she fell against it with a soft thump. She knows now this was going to be different from before. And she felt anxious at the thought but was also excited to see a different side to Matty .

"Matty" she says, her voice hesitant.

"Tell me what's on your mind" he says softly, lips wandering to her neck where more soft kisses were placed. Her own hands ran down his bare back, over the muscles, sketching him out like a map, trying to memorise every curve, every bump and vein.

"I'm scared" she admits, her voice quiet. She didn't struggle to be sincere quite as much as Matty, but she always worried that her words (no matter how sincere) would be rejected, or laughed at, or worse denied.

"What are you scared of my love?" He asked. Her heart fluttered at the words "my" and she pulled him away from her neck to look at him. She didn't know whether to tell him the truth: tell him she was scared of all the feelings she was feeling, how quickly she was falling for him, how he didn't even have to say he was sorry anymore because she forgave him the minute he told her his true feelings. She didn't speak and he simply pressed another gentle kiss to her lips, trying to draw the words out of her.

"Nevermind, I'm being silly" she says and his eyebrows furrow.

"Don't do that love, don't push me away. Wish I could be in your mind right now, hear what you hear, all your thoughts and feelings" he says, lips pressing against her cheek.

"That's what scares me" she whispers, fingertips drifting along his skin, not managing to find his eyes, afraid she'll spill every single thought that was bouncing around her mind.

"What love?" His fingers find her chin, slowly lifting it so they're looking at each other again.

"Think you already know all that.... You seem to know what I'm thinking without me telling you" she says and he nods, because he felt like it was true.

"Truth is love. I hardly know you, not in the way I want to. Want to know everything there is to know, all your secrets, all the things you've never told anyone before.... Not G, not Ross... No one" he admits and her heart swells at the idea.

"I'd like that" she smiles up at him and he places another kiss on her lips.

The moment where they so desperately wanted each other seems to have passed, now replaced by one which was more special. One where they wanted to talk, about everything, and so they did, some things he already knew, things he had memorised during the time in which they 'hated each other'.

Like her coffee order, her favourite colour, her favourite flowers, her birthday, all sorts. She was surprised he remembered half of it, but the fact he had made her realise how much he truly did like her.

Matty told her everything she wanted to know too, like his favourite books, his favourite songs, stories about his childhood that she didn't get to witness. Some things he struggled to say but wanted to, like his experience with drugs and addiction.

"What's your favorite song?" He asked, something he was uncertain whether he knew.

"Hmm... Good question, what genre?" She asks making him laugh.

"Probably... Something by Fleetwood Mac. Hard to pick which, maybe Storms, Silver Springs, or Landslide" she explains and he smiles down at her. He notes in his head that they're pretty sad songs, songs about unrequited love. He wonders if that's the only love she knows, a question for another day he thinks.

"Wanna know my favourite song of yours?" She asks, hands pressing against his chest to properly look at him.

His nodding down at her, fingertips drifting along her back, the skin was warm under his touch. She had never spoken about their music to him and he was excited to know what she thought, having spent years writing songs and wanting nothing more than to pick her mind about them.

"Inside Your Mind" she asks and he smiles, a hidden meaning behind his smile.

"Oh yeah? Why's that?" He asks, he couldn't wait to tell her the true meaning of the song.

"Think it's a beautiful song... Remember the day G showed it to me... Couldn't believe how beautiful it was... Remember thinking I wish someone wrote such beautiful things about me" she admits and his smile stretches wider.

"What?" She asks, wondering why he's smiling at her the way he is.

"I wrote it about you" he admits. Her breath catches and she pauses, eyes drifting over his features to see if he was taking the piss.

"What do you mean you wrote it about me?" She asks, shoving him slightly, testing whether he was being earnest.

"I wrote it about you... Remember the summer before the album was released? We spent most of the summer together... Well you with the boys more than me" he says and her mind flicks back to the memory.

George had begged her to go on holiday with them, it was one of the only times their busy schedules lined up. She remembers agreeing despite knowing Matty was going to be there. She was having a difficult time with a relationship and she wanted nothing more than to be with her best friends.

"We seemed to avoid each other the whole holiday though" she says and he smiles at the memory.

"You avoided me... I was watching your every move love. I remember it was one of the first times I really got to see you... Without all the arguing because we hardly spoke..." He admits, she allows him to just speak, not interrupting him.

"There was this one night... Don't know if you'd remember, you were quite drunk... To be fair I was high as a kite too... I remember all of it though" he laughs at the memory. She listens intently wanting to know what he's about to say.

"We were all sitting out on the patio of that house, remember the huge pool? You had your feet in the water and I remember wanting nothing more than to just go up to you and just talk, without all the arguing" she nods at this, she thinks she would've liked that.

"Anyway... You came and sat with us and we were drinking and we were all talking, it was the first time we actually properly spoke without being mean to each other. Remember you like... Squeezed in-between George and me and I was shocked I had you that close" she remembers it now and she can't help but smile at the huge smile that rests on his lips as he tells the story.

"think I remember you were particularly bearable that day so I was nice to you... Also I was high too" she smirks and he chuckles at her, pressing a kiss to her head.

"We all drank way too much and Hann forced G and Ross to go to bed, you didn't want to so you stayed" he says, she doesn't remember any of this and she feels bad.

"I thought you were going to leave because it was just us... But we spoke for quite a while" he says.

"About what?" She asks, genuinely curious as to what they would've spoken about back then.

"About all sorts: your tour, our tour, you told me about this coffee place you had found in New York, told me to visit it, you told me about some douche you were seeing at the time" she groans at the last part making him chuckle

"... And then you fell asleep on me... And I didn't wake you up because I just wanted to have you there forever" he admits and her eyes soften as she looks into them.

"I eventually took you up to your room and then wrote that song... That whole holiday I was trying to memorise everything about you, just in case I never got to see it again" he admits.

"It was the November after that holiday you-?" She goes to ask, stopping her words completely worried she was pressing on something he didn't want to talk about.

He knows what she's saying even though she doesn't say it and he nods, grasping her hand, placing a gentle kiss to the back of it, letting her know it was okay to talk about.

"Can I admit something to you? Without you... Despising me for it.." he asks and she nods.

"That summer... It made me realise how much I had fucked up... I knew I could've had you the way that the guys had you, if I was honest with you from the start... The idea of never having you kind of broke me" he admits, she frowns and she feels her heart hurt at his words.

"I always hoped that one day it would all fall into place. But you went on tour after that and I dunno... I missed you even though... Even though I didn't have you. And I kind of just... Broke" he admits, she frowns up at him. She felt like it was her fault and he's quickly pressing a firm kiss to her lips as he sees her features fall.

"Baby you had nothing to do with it. It was me... Me being stupid and selfish and getting myself into this fucking pit of misery... There was other stuff too, don't want you thinking it was all about you because it wasn't. I got to this point in my life where... I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror, the douche that had fucked up his life... And using, it just made all that go away" he says and she nods, still feeling awful for his confession. She appreciates him being honest and that overshadows his confession.

"In rehab... I kind of realised that I can either pine over you for the rest of my life... Or I can do something about it. Kind of had that realisation about a lot of things in my life. I just knew I had to fix my life and myself otherwise I risked losing all of you"

"Matty" she says softly, leaning forward to press her lips to his. Her eyes were tearing up now, and he felt a tear drop to his cheek making him pull away.

"Why are you crying love?" He asks, pulling her tightly into her chest. She knew now she didn't need to be scared about anything, he was her person. He always had been.

"I just know now. I know how you feel about me. You don't need to prove anything Matty... That- that song, that story, it's everything I need to know" she says, pushing herself away from his embrace to look at him.

"Would you be mad if I said I wanted to prove it?" He says making her laugh.

"Of course not" she says, pulling him into a hug now. In fact she loves that he still does, he could easily settle now, accept the fact that she had forgiven him but he still wanted to prove how much he cared and that was the sweetest thing.

"Thank you" she murmurs against his neck.

"Thank you for what sweetheart?" He says.

"For telling me all that" she says, she knows it isn't easy for him to be like this with people and she's so thankful she is the one he's choosing to be like this with.

"One sec" he says, going to his bag to get something, whatever is, is being clutched in a tight grip in his hand and he hesitates as he puts it into hers, clasping his hands around hers, not letting her see it yet.

"I bought you something on that holiday... I knew... Well no: I hoped, that one day I'd be giving it to you, and have carried it everywhere with me since then... Just in case I needed it" he says, removing his hand, allowing her to open her hands, revealing a gold necklace, attached to the chain was a pendant, a small letter "M".

"Matty..." she says, voice trailing off as she looked at the piece of jewelery. "It's beautiful"

"You don't have to wear it... Not yet. Not if you don't want to" he says and her eyes find his.

"just promise me something yeah?" He says.

"Anything" she nods.

"Promise me you'll wear that when you're mine. When I've proven to you how sorry I am, how I truly feel" he says and she thinks he's already proven all of that, not that she lets him know that just yet.

"I promise" she says, pulling him into another tight hug.

"Let's go join the boys yeah?" He asks and she nods, not before pressing a firm kiss to his lips. He watches her as he leaves the bed, begging her to stay there for a second whilst he grabs his phone, snapping a quick photo of her, she looked so cool, clad only in her underwear, tattoos on display, tanned skin almost tempting him again.

"You're so beautiful love, could look at you all day" he says, palms flat against the bed as he lowers his mouth to hers quickly before they finally dress and join the boys.

----------------------------------------------------------

Two weeks later the band are all sitting around this huge room at one of the venues. The past two weeks have been absolute bliss, it somehow felt that they had all grown closer, they all spent every waking movement with each other, never tiring of each other. You'd think spending 5 weeks with each other, 35 whole days, would make them sick of each other, but she loved the time she spent with every single one of them.

Matty and Lou had almost been in their own little love bubble, every day Matty did something to prove how sorry he was for treating her so badly for so many years. He made her a coffee every morning, sung songs to her when they were alone, scattered loving kisses to every inch of her body he could find. Sometimes in the middle of the night when they should've been sleeping, he would tell her a story, a small fact about the old days, that just proved that he really didn't hate her after all.

The band were now scattered about the room on various sofas. Matty sits on a round leather chair, it almost swallows him, makes him look tiny in comparison.

Ross is sprawled out on the ground next to him, his legs extending in front of him as one arm rests under his head. Matty laughs at how ridiculous he looks, his head resting near Matty's calves as the two spoke, Ross's voice slightly distorted from lying upside down.

The sound catches the attention of Lou, they share a look briefly before she continues talking to George , the two laughing with each other, G's arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders, the two spending some much needed time with each other (especially considering Charli had left to do her own shows) but the sight made Matty's heart swell.

"I've never seen you so happy mate" Ross says from below him, making Matty turn his attention to the lanky lad laid beneath him. The tall man turns on his stomach, looking up at him the right way round now.

"It's good mate" he then says. Matty nods, his eye wandering over to her again. He almost draws her in his mind: laughing uncontrollably with his best mate, tears coating her cheeks, a huge smile resting against her lips, those lips that he can never get enough of. Her hair is up in a ponytail, carelessly showing the bruises scattered around her neck.

"She's just the best" Matty says and Ross nods.

"She is. Thanks for that, glad you plucked your ideas up, glad we didn't lose her in the end " Ross says and Matty smiles at him "one of us forever now".

Matty nods "yeah" he has half a mind to ask her to get the 1975 box tattooed, she was part of the band after all, but she was also so much more than that.

A little while later, Ross has moved from the floor, now mucking around with Hann and George.

Matty remains in the huge chair, too comfortable to move. His phone rests in his hand, scrolling carelessly through Instagram, coming across a photo Lou had posted, the one he took, he smiles before commenting, reading his mates comments too, smiling down at his phone.

His phone pings, notifying him of a text. He smiles when he clicks on it, a selfie of the two of them set as her picture, "Room for one more?".

His eyes leave the screen, when he sees her, her own phone resting in her hands as she leans against a wall on the other side of the room. He nods and she walks over. He holds his arms out as she climbs onto the chair, he adjusts her so her legs are hung over his, holding onto her side as she rests against him. She smells faintly of cigarettes and he thinks that must have been where she was previously, but its her scent that is so overwhelming her; sweet and addictive that evades his senses.

"Hi" he says quietly, a wide smile breaking out on his face.

"Hi" she smiles.

"Missed you" he says simply, she nuzzles into his side, not saying anything for a beat, her lips press against his cheek, feeling the rough stubble he had let grow against her mouth.

"Missed you too" she pulls back to look at him, his red lips call her name and she can't help but push hers against his. His hand flies to her jaw, controlling the kiss quickly. His mouth opens on instinct and her tongue quickly meets his, moving against each other passionately. She pulls away slowly, making him groan in protest against her, only making her giggle. Oh that laugh, he fucking loves it man. He loves her.

"What was that for?" He asks, not complaining in the slightest, just curious.

"You guys are adorable" George says sighing deeply. They break away to look at him. A frown on his face.

"Fuck I miss charli' he says and they both frown.

They share a look, nod and both open their arms up, inviting him to join on the huge chair. He practically throws himself onto the pair, the both of them wrapping him up in a warm hug.

----------------------------------------------------------

They were both acting absolutely feral before the show, they were annoying the shit out of everyone with the amount of sexual tension that was in the room.

The moment he walked out in his suit she felt her eyes darken, her breath pick up and her heart beat faster in her chest (and core). Her eyes raked down his form, how the shirt clung to his chest in just the right way, how his slacks fit his slender legs perfectly. He looked godly and she found herself swallowing at the sight.

He knew that look all too well and he smirked at the sight. She looked fit too: black leather skirt clinging to her delicious thighs as she sat on a high chair, her booted legs swinging, the top she was wearing wasn't particularly low cut but he could see the "M" necklace he bought her resting in between the swell of her breasts.

"Fuck" he muttered to himself, it didn't take her long to wear the necklace at all and the thought had him falling deeper by the minute.

He felt a hand clasp his back making him have to peel his eyes of her.

"Mate, we've got 5 minutes before we have to be on that stage, I know she looks fit but don't start something you know both of you can't finish" Ross says and George nods next to him. He sighs but nods agreeing with the sound advise.

His legs take him to her anyway. The boys flee just in case, getting ready to go on stage and leaving the pair be.

"Wow Healy" she says and a groan grumbles in his chest at the sultry tone she uses.

"Right?" He says, giving her a twirl, trying to ease the tension for his sake only. His eyes find hers again and he almost loses it.

He runs a hand through his curls which aren't tamed by the usual hair gel tonight and she almost pounces on him. His feet betray him and take him the rest of the way to her. His eyes land on her delicious thighs, hands finding them without a single thought. They're spread not a second later and oh how well they welcome him. His eyes catch a glimpse of her black lace underwear and his eyes snap shut.

"You're killing me here" he says as her neck strains to find his Adams apple.

"Baby" he groans eyes snapping open, their dark eyes finding each other.

"You look so good" he says, the vowels drawn out.

"You don't look so bad yourself Healy" she says, fingers playing with his curls, he didn't even see how they got there but they're curling around the strands gently, she knows she can't mess up his hair too much.

He breathes in deeply as he looks at her, breath bated and sharp.

"You look so good baby" she sighs out, repeating his words back to him, her breath hitting his lips.

"Oh fuck it" he says, smashing his lips against hers. Their tongues quickly find each other, meeting messily. He presses his core forward, his hands finding her hips and pulling her tight against him, she almost falls off the chair, but his tight grasp has her held against him, flushed.

Their make out session is quickly cut short, bells ringing to let the band know they're due to be on soon.

"Fuck" he murmurs against her lips, he sighs against her before they both pull away to go on stage.

He had clearly decided to make this show more painful for her. Particularly when he did the 'bit' on the sofa. It felt all to real when his fingers grasped the buttons of his shirt. Usually he would look up, away from the audience but this time he turned to where she was standing on the stage.

His eyes found hers, he took a puff of his cigarette, lips pursing as he blew out, he winked at her making her gasp. His hand smoothed down his chest, he only looked away when his palm lay flat against his trouser covered cock, that's when he decided to throw his head back, he purposely let out a deep sigh.

She swore she heard her name and the fans in front of her looked to her and screamed. Oh shit he said her name.

"You little shit Healy" she murmured to herself.

During the final bows, she made her way backstage and waited for him there. She sat anxiously for a while before she left, deciding to wait in his changing room. When she heard the crowd screaming loudly she knew they had left the stage.

She knew he'd rush to find her so she had to be quick. Her fingers found the zip of her skirt, discarding it. She took off her top, revealing a black lace bodysuit, something Matty hadn't seen her in before. She found one of Matty's white shirts and threw that over her frame. She heard the door slam against the wall behind her and she whipped around to seem him. His shirt was nowhere to be seen and he had already started on the buckle of his belt. He shut the door behind him and turned the lock until it clicked.

"There she is" he said, his voice deep as his eyes found hers.

"That wasn't fair now was it Matty?" She says, stepping slowly towards him. He froze in his tracks as she approached him, finally taking in her attire. A groan rumbled from his chest and his cock twitched in his pants.

"Fuck me you look hot' he says as her hands are placed on his bare shoulders. She lowers herself until she's on her knees, her lips finding his abdomen as he throws his head back.

"Don't get me wrong, you looked so fit. Running your hand down your chest like that" she said, mimicking his earlier actions.

"And the way your head was thrown back when you..." She says, her hand moving down more until flush against his core.

"But it wasn't fair Matty. Saying my name as if no one would hear" she says.

"Lou" he sighs again. She looks up at him through her eyelashes, her fingers find the zipper of his trousers and they make light work of undoing them. He helps her remove them, he knows she's the devil when her lips press against his clothed core.

"Fuck me" he says. Looking down at the beautiful woman on her knees for him, trying to commit the view to memory.

"oh I will, don't you worry baby" she says and he groans. Her hands find the hem of his boxers, pulling at them until his member is free and snaps against his abs.

This is completely uncharted territory but he's thriving off it.

"You're so hard for me" she says and he nods bashfully. She's too turned on and needs him too much to tease him, so her lips quickly find their place around his tip. The red and leaking tip disappearing against her red lips, her lipstick marking his member.

He groans and his hands wrap around her hair, making a makeshift ponytail .

"oh fuck you're good at this ' he groans. Her lips move down his shaft, all the way to the base and she moans against him, the vibrations nearly killing him. She begins bobbing up and down on him, the head of his cock hitting the back of her throat perfectly. She doesn't gag, she moans and it has Matty's stomach clenching.

"Oh fuck you're the best" he says and she looks up at him, continuing her work and making him writhe against her. All that can be heard is his deep grunts and the wet sounds coming from below him and it's like music to his ears.

"Baby I can't, I need to be inside you" he groans, she moans against him and his hands are quickly placed against her shoulders, pushing her off him until a pop sounds. His hand finds her and he pulls her to her feet, he grabs her hips and pulls her flush against him, he quickly picks her up, leading her to the countertop to the left of them. He pops open the lace bodysuit, she grasps him in her hand and leads him to her core. His tip brushes against her clit before dipping into her cunt, coating just the head of him with her juices. He gives her a look and she nods at him, letting him know she wanted this.

"Fuck you're so wet, who made you this wet huh?" He says, lips pushing against hers, tongues fighting.

"You, it's always you" she says against him.

"Please fuck me Matty" she sighs.

"oh I will' he says, a smirk resting against his lips before he thrusts harshly into her. She takes all of him and they both moan loudly.

"Oh god Matty' she moans, hands grasping at his back, trying to get him closer although not possible.

"You were made for me darling' he looks down at where they meet, nearly coming undone at the site.

He pulls back before his hips snap forward again, sending his cock deep into her. Her head snaps upwards as she screams. They moan, groan and scream in unison, his cock driving to and from her at an unforgiving pace, curving upwards slightly and hitting her gspot perfectly. His eyes are trained on where they met, the sight filthy, turning him on even more. He felt unbelievably lucky that he got to have her like this. He had never felt this good with anyone before, but he also couldn't believe how connected it made them feel.

Her mouth opens and forms a "o" as the tip of him rubs against her soft spot.

"That it baby?" He groans and she nods vigorously. He continues driving himself into that spot, the spot that has her convulsing around him. His own head shoots back now, her lips sucking against his Adams apple. His fingertips find her clit and he circles it.

"Cum with me" he says, his words sending her over the edge, he cums not a second later joining her in the white hot pleasure.

It was a hard and fast fuck, what both of them needed to shake off the tension that had started to become unbearable mixed with adrenaline of the show.

He holds her tightly against him, pressing soft kisses to her lips. He pulls back to look at her and finds her smiling up at him.

"Never going to get used to that" he says and she nods in agreement. His pulls out of her, making the both of them groan. His fingertips find the "M" of the necklace as he smiles down at her. He doesn't ask if this means she's his, because the both of them already knew that and neither of them needed or wanted to confirm it just yet. They were enjoying just figuring it out for now.

"Look pretty with my initial on you" he says and she smirks.

"Marked your territory real good" she says and he all but groans at that. His territory. Her words had basically confirmed she was his anyway.

"Spoke to the boys earlier.... We think... If you want. That you should get the box tattoo" he says and she smiles up at him. If anyone asked her about this moment, she knew she wouldn't be able to do it justice, or explain how it made her feel. It was the best thing that had ever happened to her, it let her know that she was where she was supposed to be with the people who loved her most: she was home.

"I think that's a wonderful idea" she says, fighting back the urge to cry at the sentiment.

"Now what are we going to do about the fact you moaned my name in front of thousands of people?" She asks and he laughs loudly, leaving her to get a cloth to clean her up. He's gentle with the process knowing she would be easily overstimulated. She appreciates the softness of it all, especially when he places a soft kiss on her forehead when she winces.

"That's up to you love. We can let them speculate, or we can tell them" he says and she nods, thinking through the possible options.

"Tell them what though?" She asks and he agrees, at this moment in time, nothing was confirmed, they both knew how they felt but nothing was set in stone yet, they were going with the flow.

"I don't know... But I do know I don't want to have to hide. Want to love on you whenever I want... Flirt with you on that stage and over Instagram" he says making her laugh.

"How post-modern of you" and they both laugh loudly at that.

"Well then... Guess we just let them speculate" she says and he nods at her. His lips press against hers before they both get changed, returning to the boys.

"You guys are gross" George says making everyone laugh.

"Oh shut up, we've heard much worse from you" Matty says.

"Oh Charli... Just like that" Ross says, in a high pitch voice, completely taking the piss out of G. She's thankful he's taking some of the heat off of Matty and her.

"I do not sound like that thank you very much!" He says, defensive as ever. They join the group, Lou talking with Hann about various things as Matty messes around with the other lads.

She couldn't see how this could get any better.

Part 7

[bunni-bun]

fuck.

like i'm so mad and i'm crying and i feel like a cunt and maybe he's right or maybe i'm overthinking it like always but.

i just.

i get so fucking angry whenever my partner dismisses my feelings about politics or challenges me about them because he's a centrist idiot and all the content he watches is fucking garbage conservative assholes who think that people of color are DEI hires only and that woman can't make good content and that only the olds of disney should be allowed to do stuff and i'm just so tired. i'm so fucking tired.

i wonder a lot if i'm overthinking it because whenever i'm alone or in the shower or awake before him, the thoughts get me and then i get sad because i don't know what to fucking do anymore.

i wonder if i'm being defensive because he said he feels like an emotional punching bag whenever he calls me and he knows i hate HATE talking on the phone even though that's easier for him. but i also feel bad because i think he's right and i just get so mad and start letting it out and then flipping from one emotion to another to distract myself from blowing the fuck up on him for like breathing but i just don't know what to fucking do.

i feel like everything fucking time i tell him how i feel, it's for nothing. like he never hears me on it, just nods for a day or two and then goes back to this stupid fucking pattern of nothingness.

and i know i'm so frustrated and fed up with it, i'm so fucking tired of it. like babe, you're a fucking grown ass adult too. take responsibility for bettering yourself first and do not think for a single second that i will do that for you. i don't change people. i refuse to do it now, actually. i will change for myself and i will work to be a better person for me so that i can be proud of who i am and what i do. i do things to be proud of myself, to be better for myself, as much as i can. i genuinely hate that he doesn't see what i do for myself and then try to take a page form the same book to do better for himself too.

like. sorry but your mom is right to be worried and she's right to ask me to at least help you or talk to you because she loves you and i do too. but also it's fucking pointless if you're gonna be an asshole and 'joke' that "oh but you're a woman and the inferior sex so it doesn't matter lol". like no, it does and you're just an asshole. those jokes aren't funny, they're never fucking funny and i never laugh and neither are all the other 'jokes' that are just cruel fucking stereotypes that no one else is laughing at. jesus fucking cristo, read the room, have some introspection and fucking tact, get better friends and watch better content that doesn't always punch down on people, especially fucking minorities. i'm just so tired.

............. sometimes i wonder if this is worth it. all this anger and hurt and doubt. so much doubt. i wonder if this is a sunk cost fallacy. i wonder if i really love him. i wonder if i just don't want him to be lonely and i don't wanna be lonely. i feel so judgmental all the time because i feel like i have to compare my relationship to everyone around me who's happy and getting married or got married and still managed to build lives with a person they love. i feel like i’m not doing anything to better his life but he's also not doing anything to better mine. that's what a partner's supposed to do right? make you better, make you wanna be better and do better?

but it doesn't feel that way with us. i look at my sister and her husband and i want to cry so badly again because i see how he made her into a better version of herself and how he's told me that she makes him into a better man too. she's not perfect but she's better because she had the right partner by her side. i see my friend who got engaged recently and bought a house and a dog and got a promotion at her job and travels and has so much fun with her fiancé because they wanted to build their lives together and they do. i see my best friend who's quiet but so loved by her now fiancé and how he helps her be a better version of herself and to take chances and she does. i'm so proud of all of them. i'm happy for all of them, i really am.

but i'm also so fucking jealous of all of them. i want that too. i've wanted that for so long. it's all i want. and i feel like i'm getting nowhere and nothing from my partner. we don't go out, he's always asleep til like noon and never wants to leave the house, this sounds stupid but literally all he does is play video games until 4am while i fall asleep at midnight. it's like we live separate lives but sleep next to each other. i go out to visit jovana because she lives down the street and like we actually do stuff and plan things and she's a friend who encourages me to live life joyfully. but my own partner doesn't make me feel that way?

i said sunk cost fallacy cuz it feels like i put love or tried to be kind and good to someone who just fiend twang to fucking change. and i don't want to change him or force him to become someone he's not. i think one of the most profound things one of my exes ever told me was to stop trying to make him into another person cuz that's not who he is. he said once "you want me to be alex but i'm not. i'm me. you can't force people to change into another person. you can't." it stays with me even now. and maybe that's what makes me afraid of wanting to change my partner too. he's so fucking stubborn and won't things that are better or good for him and he overdoes them when he does. he won't listen to his mom or his sister or me when we all say the same fucking thing over and over again. and it's so tiring, it's annoying, it's so fucking frustrating because eventually you get to the "then why do i bother?" stage and that's where i am. cuz why do i bother? why do i try? why do i want to do this? do i want this?

i think of the future more now and each time i think of a possible future with him, i get so scared. i see nothing but misery in the sense that i feel like i would be putting my time and energy and love into someone who doesn't want to put the same amount of effort into themselves and i would be so frustrated and sad all the time. i would be miserable. i'd have a mediocre life and i'd be fucking miserable because that's not what i want from this life. why do i wanna live or have a life with someone who can't take the fucking trash out from the bathroom when it's full and i gotta remind him when i'm there? who i have to remind to eat? who makes fun of me when i say i'm hungry cuz he does fasting but i fucking don't because i had an ED and i need to eat? i get especially mad with that because "oh babe, it's a joke" no fuck you, i've said how it makes me fucking feel so many times and you still do it. it doesn't feel like a joke. jokes make you laugh and i'm not laughing, i'm going to fucking cry cuz i feel horrible about my weight and i get that shit enough at fucking home with my mom. i hate it so fucking much. it just makes me want to starve myself again. i already don't wanna be around people who fucking say anything about my weight cuz i get so defensive and so fucking self conscious and i feel like shit. thanks.

........but then.

then i think about how he doesn't have relationship experience and he does try sometimes and how he was always bullied in school and how that's one of the reasons i became his friend in the first place: i saw people being fucks to him and i decided that i didn't wanna be one of them because it's easier to be nice. and sure, he's awkward and weird but he did improve himself so much. he's a great friend when he needs to be. i went to his stepdad's funeral the minute i found out what happened because i care about him. i know he can be a better person. i know he can.

i think about how i get those glimpses of that better person sometimes and how i'm happy when i see that person because i love that person. i loved when we played star wars together because he knew i would i enjoy the story and he was right. i like when he cares about me and tries for a minute because then i see the person that i want to be with. i see the person who makes me happy. i want to see that person all the time because it's a sign that he's getting better too, that he's happier and doing something with me to be happy. i want him to be that way all the time. i want to see that person more often than the one that fucking frustrates me to no end.

he has a shitty job that doesn't respect him and that i'm pretty sure did an illegal pay cut on him but whatever i guess. he won't look for something at least a little better. he doesn't go out and this job comes back with him cuz he talks about the clinic and how it sucks a lot. i hate beating anything about that place, it pisses me off so much because i think and know that he deserves so much better but he is too stubborn to put the fucking effort into finding something better. so he comes home and sleeps like the dead and plays video games and maybe MAYBE ventures out to eat occasionally. i'm not stupid. that's literally depression. this job is hell and it's taking its toll on him and he doesn't want to see that. i know that deeply because my precious job did the same fucking thing to me and it nearly killed me. i know what i'm looking at. but he doesn't wanna acknowledge that so what am i supposed to do, even when i try and try and fucking try?

i do suicide prevention. i do it because i tried to kill myself. i do it because i have depression and anxiety. i do it because i want to be better for myself and for everyone around me. i work so fucking hard every day because i have to be better. that's not a choice for me anymore. i must be better. i will be. i am. and i do all of this because then people will be able to come to me and say "hey, i don't feel to great, can i talk to you?" so that i can at least street them in the right direction. everyone who knows me irl know this about me, it's literally part of my personality now.

so why the fuck can't the one person who also knows all this and saw me do everything to help the people i care about just ask me for help too? why won't he fucking listen to me?! i don't want to waste my life talk to walls, it makes me tired too, fuck!! but i do it because i love him and i want him to be that happy person that i've seen before, the better person that i get glimpse of. but i have my limits too. i have limits, boundaries, values, virtues, so many things that i fucking fight and stand for because i believe in the good of the world and i want to be good in this world. there's enough motherfuckers out there and i don't wanna be one of them.

but i'm tired. i'm so tired. i'm so frustrated. i don't know what to do. i can't magically change people. i wish i could, so badly, but i can't. and i feel so small not knowing what to do. i feel so..... useless. i'm crying again and i've been crying this whole time and i just don't know who to talk to about this or what to do. i feel selfish and like a cunt whenever i blow up on him. he's not a punching bag, he's a person with feelings and sometimes he doesn't know how to word things and i get that, i know that, i do. i wish i could go to therapy again. i can't afford that because i have a whole mountain of my own issues to deal with and i'm either going to spiral again or push through this but i'm just. i'm so tired. i don't want to fight. i don't want to be the bigger person. i want to lie down in my room and eat ice creme and watch my shows and fucking cry over how i wish i could have love like my characters do. i don't want to live like this, i don't. i don't. i don't. i hate that part of my life is dependent on another person too. i hate this. i don't want to be in this reality. i'm tired.

[harrystylesfan2686]

After All

Pairing: Harry x Reader

Summary: Reader and Harry were best friends but something happens between them which causes them to break up. What will it be like when they finally meet again after a while.

A/N: hope ya'll like this!❤️

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Who knew a kiss could change everything you felt about a person.

"I want you." I gasped. "Why do I want you?!"

I looked up at him as if he knew that answer.

His green blown out eyes and heavy breathing told me that he wanted me just as much.

"I have a husband. I'm married. I shouldn't want anyone else. I shouldn't love anyone else!"

He had wishper those three words to me in the privacy of just us being here together. I wanted to say it back so badly. I wanted to love him too just as he loved me but I can't.

I had rushed out of his house that night, tears running uncontrollably down my face with a heart break I had never felt before and cut him off from my life.

I had pushed my feeling deep inside my heart, praying to God they go away and I forgot him.

They didn't go away. I never forgot him.

-☆-

I watch the watch sparking blue in the sunlight, admiring the beauty and trying to distract myself from my love sitting next to me oh so closely. One shift to the left and we'd be touching.

We were at my parents anniversary celebration at the beach house. I had avoided him the last 2 years but there was no escape now. We had been best friends, attached to hip, ever since high school. Well, until that night.

''So, you're divorced?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yep." I inhaled deeply preparing myself to give the explanation I've already gave a hundred times to different people.

''Can I ask what happened?" I smiled. He always makes sure to do something only if I'm comfortable.

''Turns out, he was cheating on me for the last 3 years" I gave him a tight-lipped smile, watching as his eyes darkened. ''Don't worry about it." I shrug. ''It just proves that we both didn't love each other. Honestly I feel like it's a good thing I found out because now I'll be able to love whoever I wanted. I just wish I'd found out sooner.'' His gaze shifted, sensing the undertone of my sentence.I sighed shifting my eyes back to the sea in front of us.

"Do you regret it?" He spoke so softly as if him asking this would trigger me somehow. I don't why he would think that. Theres nothing he could do to hurt me in any way.

I thought carefully before answering. "To be honest, the only thing I regret is no finding out sooner. If I'd known that we were stuck in a loveless marriage from both ends, I would've ended us way earlier without having the guilt of loving anyone else but my husband. I would've savored my moments with the one who I truly loved and never let him go." I looked back at those beautiful ocean eyes. "Maybe I wouldn't have pushed him away and loved him as he deserved to be loved with or without being married." He laced my hand to his and moved his thumb in comforting circles.

"I think your wrong." He whispered carefully. My face frowned as I listened to him. "I think if you hadn't pushed me away those years ago and acted as we wanted, you would've been driven by the quilt of that. Guilt of acting on you're emotions, guilt of cheating, guilt of betraying the scared bond of your marriage even if the marriage was tainted from the beginning." He hooked a fallen hair stand behind my ear. "And when you found out your husband was cheating to, sure you'd be a bit relieved that it wasn't just you that didn't want the marriage but you'd still be scolding yourself that you still cheated, doesn't matter if in a wanted or unwanted marriage."

I found myself shamelessly admiring the man in front of me with a smile on my face. His way with words is mesmerizing. And he's right I figured, I truly would've hated myself if I was to give in the urge I felt that day.

''What?'' He asked me, confused as to why I'm starting at him with a smile.

''How do you know me better than I know myself?'' I asked amused with he's speech.

He chuckled. A beautiful sound. The kind that I wanted to record and listen on loop for the rest of my life.

"Because I know you. I love you." He spoke the three words as if they were the most known thing he'd ever said.

My smile dropped. "Really? After all this time?" My words laced with uncertainty.

"Of course I do. I always have, and I always will." He cupped my cheek. "I told you, my love. You're it for me."

I push my lips to his and promise myself to love and cherish this wonderful man untill my last breath.

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[beingdreeyore]

I'm going through a separation at the moment. Today is day four. I hadn't been able to take the silence, so I told him that if I didn't hear from him I had to put an end to this. He never responded. Four days have passed and not a single word. It feels raw. Are all men like this or am I just exceptional at finding this type...?

Went to the gym this morning. I'm nursing a forearm sensitivity that the physio hasn't really been able to explain. It makes everything more painful than it needs to be but he tells me to keep training, that we are working through it. I trust him.

I finished my third gym program of the year this morning. I feel proud of myself that I've done that. I don't understand why I don't look any different, but then I remember how badly I've failed at sticking to my nutrition. I know exactly why I don't look any different. You can't out-train a bad diet... It's possible I actually look worse now than when I started the year and that leaves me feeling defeated, the glow of the success of another program done quickly fades.

I'm raw today. So I picked up a 14 hour shift at work tomorrow. Normally I love the laziness of a Sunday but I don't want to be alone with my thoughts tomorrow. I'm not ready for that yet. I'll go to work and be distracted instead. I'll spend the money before it's even in my account and I'll remind myself this too will pass. It always passes in one way or another.

I woke before the sun with the sadness and I thought about seeing my therapist again. When I weighed it up though I don't really have anything to tell her. I'm exercising regularly, I seem to be doing okay at work, I have hobbies I enjoy, my life is full in a quiet kind of way. I'm not even really lonely... I just miss touch. Sharing. A hug when the world feels too much. I know how to live without those things. Right now though I miss them. That's really the only thing right now and talking to a therapist won't change that.

I'm not myself today. But I'm doing all the things to get back to me. The day will be over too quickly and maybe I'll regret the shift tomorrow, but now is not a good time to be stuck in my head reflecting on how these things all end the same way.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Trigger warning for a bunch of shit and I am genuinely sorry that I can't parse out what, if in doubt just probably stay away from it altogether.

I keep reading about people being glad they quit drinking because of all these negative experiences with alcohol, and I just hardly had any of those, I always had fun when I drank, and not in a wild do things I regret way, just it was nice to sit and relax and listen to music. And sometimes I’d get really emotional and sometimes that emotion would be sad or angry but usually that was stuff I was feeling anyway and couldn’t express sober so I would feel better for having got drunk and get to properly feel it.

The one thing – the one really big negative effect of alcohol that I got all the time and really wanted it to stop – was the psychological hangover the next day, where I’d spent all morning and most of the afternoon being convinced that I’d been a terrible person the night before, that if I’d interacted with anyone in any way from a message to a Tumblr post or God forbid in person I’d said something horrifyingly wrong and should be ashamed of that, and I’d really really hate myself. Even if objectively all I did was sit in my room listening to music while drinking whiskey. I wanted that to stop. And I figure I have a lot of respect for sober people, I know they make better choices than I do, so maybe if I stop drinking then I can stop having the hangovers where I hate myself and also I’ll just like myself better in general for being the kind of person I respect.

But it’s been so much the opposite. I don't know how much it's from the not drinking or maybe I was just going to have a breakdown this month anyway, but my levels of hating myself have gone through the roof lately. Just yesterday I spent a Sunday convinced that everything I’ve done lately has been drastically wrong and terrible, and I didn’t even need to drink to make it happen. But at least when I feel that way after drinking, I know it has a specific cause and the feeling will wear off as the hangover does. But now I just have that feeling creeping in all the time and there’s not a point where it’ll expire.

Last week at work I had a somewhat scary incident where a kid tried to hurt himself and then I came home and spent all night panicking that I’d dealt with it wrong and was going to get fired for being a terrible person. Then I went into work the next day and my supervisor told me I did a good job and it turned out it was fine. But then the next day didn’t have any particularly bad incidents at work and I still had this immediate regret for everything I did, like I’d immediately have this deep regret about it like the type I get during hangovers, but for something quite normal that I said like five minutes ago.

It’s been escalating for a few weeks, really, and then yesterday I went for brunch with my dad and came home and cried for an hour because I was convinced I’d said something terrible even though I’m pretty sure it was objectively fine. Then I tried to distract myself with Tumblr posts but immediately after became convinced that everything I’d said there was also wrong (and I’m definitely getting that feeling with this one too). And throwing myself into comedy is always my distraction but it’s creeping into that, I was reading stuff on a Taskmaster subreddit and managed to twist that into convincing myself that I was a terrible person because of the kind of comedy I like, which I’m pretty sure this morning is probably not the case but it seemed like a really significant problem yesterday.

Anyway, this escalated quite badly over a few hours and then I [don’t need to actually get into gory details here, maladaptive coping mechanisms but I didn’t drink any alcohol] spiralled really fast into feeling suicidal for the first time in just over a year, and then I get scared because my roommate’s out of town and I don’t have any other friends left to call in a situation like that (I definitely used to have friends that I’d call at a time like that and they could call me at bad times too, but lost touch with basically everyone in the last few years, I had a brief thought that I guess this is why people stay in relationships so they don’t have to be on their own at a time like that but then I realized that if I were still with my ex-girlfriend I’d have canceled on her this weekend because I didn’t feel up to the social expectations of a romantic relationship, in fact when we were together I did cancel on her for reasons like that, and that sort of thing is why it ended, so I guess being in a relationship would not help in this instance), and I was scared that I would hurt myself (more than I already had, again I will spare the details) if I was by myself, so I called a mental health line, and they said if nothing else the physical symptoms I was describing means I should probably go to a hospital, so I did that, and they did some EKGs and stuff to make sure my chest pain and dizziness and numbness was in fact just anxiety, and then they gave me a benzodiazepine and it made me feel quite high, so I guess my streak of being sober for all of 2024 so far is over. It’s been about six years, I think, since I last had anxiety so severe that I went to a hospital. But it was probably the right choice.

I was supposed to work 8-6 today but I woke up and could not get out of bed so I called in sick. Which I am also freaking out about, because that’s exactly what I was afraid would happen when I started working fulltime in person, that I won’t be able to handle it. And you get a certain number of days when this can happen and you can call in and it’s okay, but past that point you can’t keep your job and pay rent anymore. And historically, there have been times when I get like this and its lasts more than one day.

I said I was going to not drink in January because I was trying to use the trick I use on treadmills. I run at a pace where I know I can go about 22 minutes before completely burning out. But that’s a fast enough pace so I’m already really tired by about 4 minutes, and if I’m 4 minutes into a run and tell myself I still have to get to 22, I’ll get overwhelmed about how that’s impossible, I’ll panic about being given an impossible task, my body will dump a bunch of adrenaline from anxiety and then I actually won’t be able to run for as long. So I tell myself that it’s okay if just this once, I stop by 10 minutes, if I really can’t go on. Then I get to 9 minutes and realize I can keep going for a bit, so I say okay, do 13. Then I keep doing that until I eventually end up going for 22.

It was supposed to be like that. If I tell myself I’m going to completely quit drinking forever, I’ll just think that’s impossible and I won’t bother to try, I’ll just start drinking again as soon as it gets hard. So say I’ll do January, that seems possible enough to be worth pushing through the hard parts, and then once I manage that I can extend it. But honestly I underestimated how hard it would be. I figured I’m already down to only drinking twice a week, how hard can it be to go from two to zero? Really hard, turns out.

Because the thing is that you do eventually get to get off the treadmill. While according to this analogy, if I do this right then I have to keep running on a treadmill forever. Alcohol is the only break I get from living in my brain with all the anxiety and regret and hating myself and thinking everything I’ve ever done is wrong, and if I quit drinking then I’m asking myself to go for the entire rest of my life without a break from that, and what happened yesterday is that kind of hit me and made me think in that case I’d really like the rest of my life to not last for all that long. I used to motivate myself to get through stressful days at work by saying I can sit down with whiskey on the weekend and have a break. But now the weekends are also just exercises in trying not to drink, and the next thing in my life that I’m actually looking forward to is a trip to the UK but it doesn’t feel like enough to get me through months with no break.

 I was genuinely convinced yesterday that the type of comedy I like makes me a terrible person. I read some stuff about people who don’t like the same thing I do and I spiralled into the worst explanation for that and I started to panic about every single post I’ve ever made on this blog. That’s the kind of thought I might have the morning after drinking a bunch of alcohol but I’d also be able to slightly step out of it, remind myself that this is an artificial feeling caused by a hangover, and wait for it to go away. I think that’s the biggest part of abstaining from drinking that I didn’t see coming. Didn’t expect that to drastically escalate. No idea why that happened.

It's possible that I underestimated how bad an addiction can still be even if you only do something twice a week, and I shouldn’t have tried to just stop it all at once with no plan or support for it (although it’s not completely true that I have no support, I genuinely think I’d have started drinking again by now if I didn’t have this Tumblr blog to write in and have a bit of an outlet, which is why I’m writing this now even though I already know as soon as I post it I’m going to become convinced that I shouldn’t have put this out there and I’ll regret this too). But I don’t really know what else I’m supposed to do, I don’t have any better ideas.

I keep having dreams where I’m drinking, and they’re just like the dreams I used to have when I was a competitive athlete and cutting weight. We used to have to do all these drastic things in the week before big tournaments to get into a weight class, that involved eating very little for ages and then for the last couple of days not eating or drinking anything and sitting saunas and running in sweaters to lose water. And I would always have these recurring nightmares where I’d eat a bunch of food, then immediately remember that I was supposed to be cutting weight, and panic and realize I’d ruined it all in a few moments and then try to throw it up. Though in the last couple of days I’d be so thirsty that I wouldn’t even feel hungry anymore, I used to say that I haven’t eaten in 2 days but if you offered me bread I wouldn’t take it because it would just make me thirstier and that’s all I can think about, and then I’d have dreams where I’d jump into a pool and drink all the water, and then I’d remember that I wasn’t supposed to do that, and freak out about it.

I haven’t had dreams like that in years, but I’ve had a bunch of them this month, where I drink some whiskey and it feels really good in the moment, and then I immediately remember that I’ve set a rule against that and now I’ve broken it and I’ve ruined everything and there’s no changing it because I can’t un-drink that and I wake up freaking out. I haven’t had dreams like that for years because I haven’t competed for years, so it feels scary to bring that back too. Cutting weight used to be horrible, not just in the last few days when I was doing something drastic, but even in the weeks before when all I did was restrict my food. As soon as I told myself I couldn’t have something, all I’d be able to think about was wanting to eat a Subway sandwich or something, just because I couldn’t do it. I sort of feel like I’ve also set myself up to spend the rest of my life feeling the way I used to when I cut weight, having to make a conscious effort to avoid having something I really want, but this time there’s no point where we get to weigh in and then immediately drink 2 litres of Powerade. It’s just my whole life. I don’t want it to last that long if it’ll all feel like that.

I know, by the way, that all of this is not a sign I should start drinking again, it’s a sign that I had a bigger problem than I thought and I should definitely not be drinking. I do know that. I’d just like to be clear that I do know that. This blog is for posting whatever irrational shit I’m thinking, feeling a bit better and less scared now that I know that’s out there and I’m not trying to do it completely alone, and then later regretting ever putting anything on the internet or indeed saying anything to anyone, but still, it helps in the moment. Anyway, the point is that I know none of these feelings are good or correct or rational. I’m just trying to untangle how I spiralled so fast yesterday. Though a fair bit of it was also just being convinced that everything I’ve ever said is incorrect and makes me a terrible person. Which used to only happen when I drank but now apparently just happens all the time forever. That is also the sort of thing that makes me not want forever to be that long.

I’m pretty sure my perspective on everything is wildly skewed and I haven't been right about anything since about 2018. I definitely used to do things and not immediately regret them. I do have a bit of an excuse for how incoherent this specific post is, which is I think the pill I got at the hospital last night is having some lingering effects. And I’m not an idiot, I did rip up the prescription they gave me for more of those to take as needed if this happens again, I am not going to add a benzodiazepine addition to my life right now.

Also I feel weirdly self-conscious about the fact that I now actually sort of know a couple of the people who read this blog, so it's not just shouting anonymously into the void, sorry to those people for being weirdly more personal than you'd normally be with people you actually interact with personally, I don't have the clearest view at the moment of what's appropriate to say to anyone.

[winterchimez]

hi! could you recommend us some sangyeon fics?

hiya anon! hehe ofc i can!! here are some of my absolute favs:

still with you - @solarwonux

this is hands down one of my ult fav Sangyeon fic. like literally within my top 3. i can't tell you how many times i've reread this bcs THE AMOUNT OF EMOTIONS I FELT READING THIS OMG 😩😩😩 and i cried so badly at that particular scene 😭😭😭 100% rec i love love this fic so badly i will take this with me to the afterlife fs!!! (if you'd tell me i can only choose one fav fic then THIS IS IT!!!)

two months - @sungbeam

lmao here's a little tmi abt this fic. so remember when Sangyeon dropped those ✨ahem✨ arm pics when they were in Macau and beam was talking to me abt it in the dms and was basically coming up with so many scenarios. i told her to write it hence this fic was born 🤪 if you want some ✨hot topless Sangyeon✨ then yes. this is the one to go to 😌 (this fic traumatised me so much that after reading it i had to distract myself with anything i could think of for HOURS, so you can imagine how it has def impacted moi 🤡)

beautiful mess - @cupidjyu

this is another one requested by me hahahaha but im so glad yumi wrote this bcs!!!!! yall there's just something abt men blow-drying your hair it makes me go all soft and mushy inside 😔😔😔 so yes this is now my fav Sangyeon comfort fic 🫶🏻

hate is a strong word - @daisyvisions

i don't see much e2l trope for this man so!!! omg the way i was DOWN SO BADLY LIKE???? MAKING OUT WITH HIM??? AND HE HAS MY FAV HAIR COLOR IN THIS STAPPPPPP love love love this a whole lot (btw there's 🔞 content so mdni!!!)

want you back - @jumilkies

the way my heart clenched reading this 😭😭😭 exes to lovers trope is also something im always down for 😩 and i loved how the story wraps up towards the end!

business or pleasure // drunk desires - @biaswreckingfics

Sangyeon as your hot ceo, do i even need to say more. just imagine gen Z Sangyeon. yes that's the tweet. 😔❤️ and oml drunk desires!!!! i have never been the same after reading that ngl 🫠

from the heavens - @bae-del-moon

a royal and fantasy au for our Lee Sangyeon omg???? this is such an underrated series icb not many ppl know abt this 😤 so pls pls do check it out i can guarantee you that it's def worth every single minute. periodt. ✨

sweetest tongue and sharpest tooth - @jeongjaebae

as a crime writer myself yknow i love me some thriller 😌 and omg boy did i get goosebumps reading this!!! it has def got me hooked till the very end & again!!! another underrated fic 😩🫶🏻

tattle-tale - @sankyeom

as someone who works in the childcare industry i find myself relating to every single point in the fic!! this is such adorbs and just basically very fluffy fluff and i loveeeee it (also the fact that Sangyeon loves kids too just makes this a thousand times better 😔)

[bluerose5]

Beyond the Loss

Shalibrations prompt from discord for Garrus and Shepard comforting Tali during/after her loyalty mission.

~~~

Tali didn't know how to feel.

So many emotions were running through her. Her thoughts amassed into a flurry of unending noise. She wanted so badly to let loose a scream at the top of her lungs, but all of her energy had been sapped clean from her body.

When all else felt uncertain, she found comfort in that which was familiar.

She sat upon the floor in Engineering, staring at the drive core while it pulsed, the Normandy's quiet yet steady heartbeat.

At one time in her life, she thought the ship —the original ship— to be too quiet for her tastes. She could remember how uneasy she was at first, her instincts crying out that something was broken or damaged.

Then, she grew to love the ship and its silence, just as she grew to love its crew.

So many of them were lost to her.

And now, her father was gone too, all because he was trying to take back their homeworld. For her.

Tears fell down her face as she stared unseeingly into the distance. She tried hard to come up with new ideas for the ship, ways to improve its systems, but those were empty distractions at best.

She had lost so much. She just wanted the pain to stop.

When Tali heard the doors to Engineering hiss open, she frowned.

Without looking away from the drive core, she called out, "I thought that I told you two that I want to be alone!"

"Damn," Jane replied. "Are we that predictable?"

Two pairs of footsteps approached, but Tali simply hugged her legs closer to her body, the side of her helmet resting upon her knees.

She didn't bother meeting their eyes.

"I told Gabby and Ken that I needed time to myself," she huffed. "I guess it was too much to hope that the locked doors would deter you."

"If you truly want us to go, then we will," Jane assured her. There was shuffling and the slight creak of weary joints as Jane knelt before her.

Garrus plopped down at her side with way less grace, but his presence was a welcome comfort nonetheless.

"But we have a feeling that you don't actually want that," he whispered, the flanging of his voice reverberating in an attempt to comfort. "You shouldn't have to be alone right now. We should get through this as we always have. Together."

A lump got stuck in Tali's throat, choked up on all of the emotions lingering in the air.

There was a time when they weren't together, though.

Both of them had already lost Shepard once, and they saw how well that worked out.

Her father's death only reminded her how fragile life truly was. How even the strongest of them could be there one second, then gone in the next.

Maybe her behavior wasn't that befitting of an admiral's daughter, but she couldn't care at the moment.

Right then, she was simply a daughter who lost her father. A woman, who only two years prior lost one of the greatest people in the galaxy that she had known.

There was always the possibility that she could lose her again.

If this mission through the Omega-4 Relay didn't go exactly as planned, then she could lose them both. Both Garrus and Shepard. The ones who were there for her since the beginning.

Pain radiated throughout her chest.

She was so tired.

It took its toll, always having to be strong in front of others.

For once, she let her emotions guide her. She launched herself into Shepard’s arms without warning; but, while initially shocked by Tali's actions, Jane instantly wrapped her up into a warm embrace.

Tali buried her face mask into the crook of Jane's neck, then released a shuddering breath.

For once, she let herself be vulnerable, all alone with the two people she trusted above all others on that ship.

Her voice broke when she spoke.

"I want you both to stay," she whispered, her tone tiny when faced with the day's horrific onslaught of news. "Don't go."

"We're right here, Tali," Jane assured her, squeezing tightly, as if she would never let her go.

Oh, how Tali wished that to be true.

"We're not going anywhere," Garrus agreed, "not unless you ask us to."

Tali shook her head at the thought.

"No, I want you to stay," she said, more certain, resolute. "I–I can't lose you two."

Jane and Garrus exchanged a pointed glance over her head, but their silence only made her panic spike even more.

Holding Shepard close, as if her very life depended on it, she repeated, “I can’t lose you. Not again. Either of you.”

It didn’t help that, in his grief, Garrus disappeared without a trace. Tali felt his loss as well during those past two years. It was hard to ignore his absence when he left no messages indicating his whereabouts, no explanation. How often did she turn to her side, expecting to talk shop with him, only to feel disappointment when she was reminded that he was gone.

Up until recently, she hadn’t even been certain that he was alive, part of her worrying that he had run off and gotten himself killed.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Garrus murmured. He shuffled his way over and hugged them both. “You won’t. We’re not going anywhere.”

“With what we’re up against, you can’t promise me that.”

“We just did,” Jane stated. She pulled slightly away, just enough so that she could meet Tali’s eyes while she talked. “And we’re going to keep that promise, okay? Your father might not have survived to give you that house on the homeworld, but we can still hold onto that promise and carry it out for him.”

“That’s a tall order for you to fill,” Tali mumbled.

“I think I speak for both of us,” Garrus told her, “when I say that we like a challenge.”

Tali gave a watery laugh, knowing from experience that there was some truth to those words.

Even then, it took little for that fragile laugh to fracture into painful sobs, the foundation of her composure slowly but surely slipping out from under her.

Thankfully, they didn’t judge her. They didn’t try to stop her or offer worthless platitudes.

Instead, they held her, and they let her cry in their arms.

They offered her their presence, and that was enough for her.

By the time she had quieted down to mere sniffles, she could confidently say that she felt somewhat better. Not whole, not by any means, but better.

It was a step in the right direction, at least.

Jane pressed a soft kiss to the top of her helmet, and Tali spared her a weary smile.

“Thanks, you two.”

“No thanks necessary,” Garrus said. “Always happy to help.”

“That, we are,” Jane agreed, shifting in place. “Now, I don’t know about the two of you, but I think that this day calls for a pile of blankets back in my quarters, some snacks, some drinks, and a whole bunch of movies.”

Of course, Tali instantly perked up at that.

“Oh! Can we watch Fleet and Flotilla?” she asked. Widening her eyes beyond the mask, she clasped her hands together as she stared up at Jane, knowing well enough that Shepard couldn’t resist that expression. “Please?”

Garrus already knew that Jane was a goner then, not that he had planned on actually protesting the request, but he loved to tease Tali about her fascination with that movie regardless.

“Ugh, again?” he asked. One playful glare from Jane was all that was needed to straighten him out, though. “Alright. Whatever you want, Tali.” As they got to their feet, he flared his mandibles out into a slight grin. “I might have even picked up some graxen when we were last on the Citadel.”

Tali gasps, “You did not! You’ve been holding out all this time?”

“I wonder why,” he deadpanned.

“Can’t have anything to do with a certain quarian who always steals his snacks,” Jane joked.

“Sharing is caring, or so the humans say,” Tali chuckled. She poked Garrus in his side. “I fully expect you to share, Vakarian.”

“For you, I think I could spare a little.”

As they continued to bicker on the way to the elevator, Tali savored the warmth that started to blossom, working to overtake the cold that had threatened to take root.

While things might not have been perfect at the moment, she was certain that life would get better. The storm wouldn’t last forever. One day, she would bathe in the sunlight at the start of a new day.

And she had faith that, with Garrus and Jane at her side, they could get through anything.

[zuzsenpai]

This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

[imagineitdearies-old]

Haha but imagine the angst potential if Aemond and Lucerys wedding night was a bit closer to what Alicent described.

Especially if Lucerys is acting perfectly nice outside of the bedroom but not so great when night falls.

Oh dear...you asked for this anon 😬😬 (NSFW/dubious consent ahead)

If it was like Alicent's first night? The angst would be enormous. Everything up to that point where Luke opens Aemond's legs at the end of chapter 3 is the same, but then he immediately pushes fingers at his entrance, pries him open dryly while he strokes Aemond's cock with his other hand. Then, way too soon, he says 'Be a good omega for me,' leans over Aemond, and pushes in. It's enough prep that Aemond doesn't tear and bleed (yet), but it hurts enough he goes into a bit of shock.

The knot? Yeah, Aemond does tear then, not that he knows that for sure until Lucerys finally can pull out and there's blood. The mating bite without any endorphins in Aemond's system is torturously painful.

And since we're dealing with a Luke who otherwise acts sweet and interested in Aemond's happiness, let's add to the angst by saying he notes while they're knotted that Aemond didn't come and so strokes his cock until Aemond does, thinking he's so nice for doing so, even though it just adds a sense of shame to the whole thing for Aemond at the end.

Not THAT different from everything that went down, is it? Just erase the communication and check-ins, and maybe a little bit of Luke's sexual experience, and voila! Alicent was right!

Aemond does not stay the night. He wants to get away from Luke immediately, and the next morning Alicent finds him in his bed and is at once able to tell that he's not okay no matter what he says--but her words of comfort are pretty hollow, that 'the pain lessens after a few months' and that in the meantime 'it helps to think about something else' during the act to distract himself from it.

Idk what next--Aemond begins planning Luke's untimely death?? Haha. Maybe Luke comes every night but gets better at making Aemond orgasm/hurt less over time, and when his heat never comes they officially declare him pregnant and Aemond basically cuts Luke off and tells him to go to a whorehouse, that their duty is finished for now. And then without that, there's a lot of distance/angst for a long time, basically the whole pregnancy, while Luke learns from some nice whores how badly he fucked up?? And by the time the baby is a few months old he's gotten his shit together and they've bonded over the baby and fallen in love?? Lol I still want a happy ending.

Maybe in this au of an au Rhaenyra is too busy to bring up healthy sex and relationships, or raised Luke in a puritanical ideology too so he's never had sex/thinks its purpose is mostly for the alpha at first...those are the only ways I can imagine this Luke existing 😬

I don't see myself ever writing a long-form fic with a relationship like this (kudos to those who do, life for a life, eye for an eye is a great but even darker swap of this with top!Aemond, a fascinating torture porn/angst fest for those who have the stomach) but a one-shot might be fun one day. *shrug*

[theshippingcorner]

Wednesday Adams x Female Vampire Reader?

I would be lying if I said Wendsday isn't a hyperfixation right now! I can't promise it'll be perfect, might be a big long winded but I like a good build up to the point if you didn't notice lol

Wendsday wasn't exactly one to get attached, she barely put up with Enid sometimes as much as she did care for her friend, so growing close to yet another outcast girl was something she had to get used to tolerating, especially having to tolerate the irritating and complex feelings she always had being around her...regardless she at least learned to make an effort with friendships thanks to Enid, even if they made her feel feelings that she didn't want to address.

That's why today in particular she went out of her way to find you, leaning down over your shoulder while you were busy reading, staring at the book a second before giving a small hum,

"Are you enjoying that book?"

You nearly jumped out of your seat hearing her, she was very good at sneaking up on people when she wanted to and when she didn't want to. You cleared your throat though and smiled at her, nodding a bit.

"Mhm, it's very good if you want to borrow it at any point to read~!"

You put a bookmark in the book for now as she nodded and sat beside you with a hum,

"I might, how have you been doing though?"

She seemed off to you, but when didn't she seem a little bit off when she was around you? Sometimes you had to worry if you did something wrong.

"Good, what about you though? I know you're pretty gloomy as is but you seem gloomy in a bad way right now."

She sort of buffered and had to think about the question before humming softly and shaking her head,

"I'm doing fine just distracted is all, it happens. I'm sure Enid would be happy to tell you how often I seem to ignore her when she's speaking."

She sighed a little but hardly seemed mad, she didn't seem like she could ever really stay mad at Enid. You had to at least smile, even if you didn't like the idea that she would like someone else you still nudged her playfully with a little hum,

"You talk about Enid a whole lot, you sure you don't fancy girls Adams~?"

She was caught off guard, shaking her head quickly and pouting

"Even if I did like girls Enid is far too much for me, I would probably prefer someone more like myself."

Though what exactly that meant she wasn't sure, yeah she liked Enid but not in that way. She didn't really think about love after how badly she failed at it with boys. You however decided to be bold, and take a chance.

"What about girls like me then~?"

Being a vampire, dark and gloomy aesthetic sort of came with the territory, that and you had a bit in common which is how you became friends in the first place! She looked like she really had to think about it before you could see the faintest amount of pink on her pale cheeks as she crossed her arms with a hum,

"I suppose you would be more my type yes, if I were to be with a girl."

You laughed a bit at the sudden shyness, it was a step away from her usually blunt and straightforward personality for sure. Her attitude gave you all the more confidence as you scooted a bit closer and put a finger up to your lips.

"I wouldn't be mad if you wanted to test those feelings~"

She was surprised and a bit flustered, but at this point she has kissed a criminal so what could really go wrong? Besides it would stop you from teasing her, so she grabbed you by the collar of your shirt and kissed you softly!

She held the kiss a moment before letting go of your collar and sitting back, her pale face a bright shade of pink as she crossed her arms again.

"There, now you don't need to tease about it."

You laughed a bit, blushing bright pink yourself as you happily poked her cheek.

"Oh yeah~? You want to tell me what you learned from it then?"

There was a hesitation clear in her face, before she caved a bit and sighed, it definitely explained those feelings she didn't want to pay attention to all this time...

"I'm pretty sure I learned that I like you."