#and i dont want to quit and go elsewhere and then find myself in a worse environment. yknow?

[oflgtfol]

its such a shame because i actually genuinely enjoy my job at michaels so long as im not main cashier like i genuinely enjoy being out on the floor and packing out truck or doing inventory or sales signs or price changes etc and even when customers ask me questions, i dont even mind then, and i actually enjoy helping customers out with different projects they work on. if i could make a living by working at michaels i think i’d even maybe just do that. but well i cant do that so whatever

but even as just a part time thing right now its driving me insane that im only working 10 hours a week. like its beyond frustrating in words i cant describe. its so insulting to be one of the longest working employees at this location, to be one of the few people who even enjoy working here, and then get fucking pocket change in exchange for all that

like i enjoy the work but i hate rhe company yknow. its driving me up a wall how extreme the hour cuts are this year compared to last year, the credit card and the rewards drive me up a wall, the stupid extend warranty thing that they rolled out with no warning that we had no formal training on and interrupts the flow of the register because it asks if you want a warranty on thee stupidest things, the lack of ability to get raises, the callous price increases, etc its just an endless list. the company as a whole is fucked and i hate it

but in terms of my individual store, and the “dirty work” of being a floor employee, i genuinely enjoy it and it sucks so fucking much to be pushed out of my job because of the shit pay and the shit hours. i know the philisophy of working minimum wage is that the company doesnt deserve for you to push yourself hard for minimum wage but like — i enjoy the work, i like being able to do these things, its actually fun for me to do these things, it takes my enjoyment out to half ass it. im not doing it for the company im doing it because for whatever reason, i actually have fun doing it. but yes it is driving me up a fucking wall that i get rewarded for that with these shit fucking hours. in fact it makes it harder for me to do my job when i actually do get hours - if im not in the store for a whole week then i miss a whole week of things being moved around the store as seasonal is shuffled, how the fuck am i supposed to accurately help customers locate things if i have such long gaps between shifts that my own knowledge becomes outdated? and when i cant accurately do my job then i dont have fun doing it - because then i feel like an idiot for being wrong or being uncertain, at best, or i feel like shit because then the customer is rude af when they find it instead and then single you out for not knowing

sorry i dont know what my point is here i just checked my schedule for tr next few weeks and im seriously at 10 hours a week and i have never had hours this short before im just so fucking mad about it. i am seriously bringing home larger paychecks from my damn food pantry job thats hard limited at 8 hours a week because that income is at least nontaxable

[sugoi-writes]

Scream Machine - Part 2 - An Alastor x Reader Fanfic

A/N: Soooo, here's part 2! Horny brain went into overdrive and cranked this bad boy out. I do apologize if there are mistakes. I hope you enjoy!

Keep in mind I'm still keeping the reader/their parts/and such all neutral: the only thing is you are in a dress. But otherwise, that's it!

Mentions of grinding, light choking, some manhandling, biting, making out, tidbits of French, and generally... lots of clothed smut.

Catch yall in horny jail tonight 👈😎👈 Bring a sweater

❤️🎙❤️

The weather, despite the hellscape, was... perfect? Your stroll was casual, slow... and you felt like you were either being paraded around, or made claim on. It make your throat tighten as you continued walking with the radio demon.

You glanced upward, instantly regretting your decision. You caught the glint in his eye as your face heated.

"So, have you always been a musician, dear? In your time alive, I mean." You blinked at the question, nodding.

"On and off while alive. Music class here, trying new instruments there... but when I came to hell, something just... called to me. And I've been doing jazz band since I've gotten the hang of trumpet." You were surprised by the pleasant conversation, the ulterior motive becoming harder to crack.

"Do you play? With your broadcast and all, I'd assume you play too..." Alastor hums, positively delighted by your questioning.

"Indeedy! My Mother taught me everything I know. I'm a piano man, myself... never took up an interested in brass or percussion." Your eyes widened a little bit. How odd for an overlord to comment on... his mortal mother.

"I assume she was a good player..." The smile on Alastor's face faltered for a beat, before it quickly bounced back," Oh yes... she saved as much money as she could for lessons, as well. Whatever she couldn't do, she made sure I learned it elsewhere. You'd be hard-fetched to find a tune I can't play." You found yourself returning his smile as he looked down to you. Most of what you hear about Alastor is how terrifying he is... how dangerous he was... What a rare treat it was to hear about how he was just a child once, like you.

"And... I would assume you could keep up with demand, yourself," Alastor quipped," You must have a pretty good ear and lots of darling little fans.

You were going to confirm that yes, you made a name for yourself... but you remembered why you got here. Be humble.

You were shrugging shortly after," Y-You could say that, I guess. I wouldn't say I'm perfect by a long shot, but--"

You nearly fell on your face as Alastor rounded the corner suddenly. You grip at his arm tightly as your train of thought buffered. You didnt see the look on Alastor's... the look of satisfaction. He has you right where he wants you... Before you could continue walking, you felt your body become incoporal again, before materializing in the alleyway. Your breath hitches, Alastor now standing before you.

"Tell me... is music your only source of income?" Alastor asks, his voice taking on a nearly creamy quality. A shiver hits you again. That damned voice...

You scoff, laughing bitterly," Of course not... you should know that, with your hotel side project..." You seethe, immediately catching yourself. Don't lose your cool...not with this guy. His voice is already dangerous, a voice you typically fell asleep to... don't let him crawl further into your head.

Alastor's grin seemed to double, as he lowered himself to your level. A dangerous glint glided across his eyes," ...what if I told you it could be?"

You take a step back, your hand brushing against the wall of the alleyway. You were nearly pushed all the way to your back as Alastor loomed over you," I dont... quite follow I'm afraid, Alastor, sir..."

Sir. Ohh, he did like the sound of that. Your pulse picking up was music to Alastor's ears... His hand slammed into the wall next to your head, making you gasp and jolt. You looked to your right for your escape, but your head was tilted back and up towards the Radio Demon, his damned microphone forcing you to look his way.

"Well, with being the hotelier, and having my own... passion projects... I have been looking for people to delegate to. 'Many hands make the work lighter', and the like...," Alastor cooed, his voice sickeningly sweet as opposed to his demented face.

"And with this hotel... there is not shortage of entertainment, nor opportunities for employment..."

You swallowed hard, having heard of the hotel. You've seen the standoff that was brought about the most recent extermination. The things you saw made your skin crawl, as if infested with maggots. The princess of hell, Charlie, and her insane powers... the King of Hell himself, who was short a spouse, but not a punch... and the Great Alastor, who many had thought was gone; perished. But alas, how wrong you all were....

"Look, I-- I appreciate the offer. But redemption isn't what I need. I earned my ticket here, and I'd like to earn my keep to stay. This life-- this style--... I don't imagine heaven is very keen on wild jazz musicians up there." You grinned up at the Radio Demon, some of your fire bubbling back up from below," You have a lot of gals and boys just itching to get in... why me?"

Alastor's eyebrows raised, impressed," My friend, if there is anything that hotel and its residents lack, it's class... and what better way to fake it than with quality entertainment? Additionally, the more they partake... the more they adapt; and the more that YOU--"

A large pile of money vaporized out of thin air, it's bills fanning your face," ...stand to earn~"

You swallowed hard. The amount of money that was in his hand was... transformative. It was regal amounts of money. You could do so much with it. Pay debts, secure land... You'd be able to get out of the barrel of shit you'd been trapped in.

You glanced between the money and Alastor, your eyebrows knitting," ... well, what do you want out of all of this? Surely you're expecting something on your end, Mr. Overlord..."

Alastor sighs, tsking as his cane drops your chin, allowing you to relax," If you're worried for your soul, I'm afraid I have no interest in it." Alastor waves off your worry dismissively, still grinning maniacally," No, no... all I want is to become your patron. You supply entertainment for the hotel and its guests, and I supply you with cash... in the meantime, I can make any alterations and requests to your 'sets' at will." You blink, surprised as you process the words spoken to you. This man ALWAYS dealt with souls... and he had no use for yours? You huffed, almost offended. Of course... why would he have a use for a useless sinner like you?

You crossed your arms across your chest, your golden dress ridding up your thighs," So... let's say I were to agree to your little arrangement. Would I still be able to do my other music gigs? I'm still making a name for myself..."

"That would be quite alright, dear."

"And if I have a conflicting event...?" Alastor's silent smile sends the message. No calling out sick... got it. You nodded to the cash in Alastor's hand, eyes narrowed. You needed to play this up, see how much you could squeeze out of this...

"And that? Is that my weekly pay?" Alastor shakes his head, the money still gripped in hand like a bear trap. One that you were about to fall for...

"My my, you must take me as a sham... this is just the sign on bonus! I can assure you, you'll be making SO much more, once you start..." You gulped down the air around you like a fish out of water, gapping. Yep. That's all that you needed to hear.

"I... I dont..." Your mind was racing. Would you really be able to live with yourself by taking this? Would you really be able to accept a bribery like this from one of the most sadistic fucks in hell? ...of course you would.

You hold your hand our to Alastor, hellbent on making it official," Alright, Radiostar... let's make that deal." Alastor is quick to chuckle, his tone dark and rich as he closes the gap. The firm, resolute shake that was shared between you lit a spark in him, literally and physically, with an ominous green light. He had to keep getting more... MORE of you. More of your time.

Alastor backs you into the wall once more, your eyes doubling from panic. And there was your pulse, aching to be bit into... Alastor stoops down to your height, hands slowly raking down the walls of the alley. It their wake, he was leaving deep, wide rivets.

"Dear, I have to ask...," Alastor rasps out, his eyes threatening to flicker to dials. His voice drops an octave, making your legs squeeze together. Alastor's eyes move to them, taking note. So you were his little fan...

"...how is your stamina?" You didn't have time to ask, before Alastor crashes into your lips, tilting your chin up. You were breathless, hands instantly coming up and beating on Alastor's chest. This was so sudden! This was in public!!! This... this was pretty hot, honestly.

You weren't sure if it was the lack of oxygen, or how good his kiss had become... but Alastor was making you question your resolve. You felt Alastor's tongue, thin and keen on entering your mouth. You hesitated, before you felt two large hands grip you under your thighs. As you were hoisted up, you groaned, giving Alastor easy entry. The moment his tongue met yours, you were practically melting. Alastor was famous for his silver tongue, but you had no idea he could do this with it.

Your head was reeling from the quick, heated emotions you felt. Once or twice, you had pondered what it would be like to be endeared to the Radio Demon... but only that: pondered.

And yet today, you seemed to be having your lucky day. A fast paced, VERY lucky day.

When Alastor finally pulled away, you were panting, much harder than you did inside of the speakeasy. A strap to your golden dress had fallen down shoulder, only for Alastor's hands to move it back into place. A gentleman, despite everything.... and despite the mouthwatering sight of your dress riding further up your thighs. Alastor had to admit the display made him feel... carnal desires that he hadnt felt in such a long time.

"It's a shame... I figured the taste of metal would still be on your lips... but no matter. You taste just as sweet..." Alastor nearly purred, making you sigh shakily in his grasp. You fisted his blazer, eyes hazy as Alastor began to kiss your cheeks, then down your neck. You could punch, kick, scream... but this was playing out in sucj a delicious way... would a part of you really want to see this go any other way? You moaned into the crisp, hellish air.

You thought not.

You let your head fall back against the wall, eyes fluttering as you felt his hot tongue in all of his open-mouthed kisses. His breath set you on fire, and you were kicking yourself mentally, realizing this demon was getting you much too heated.

"S-Slow down! I-- ahh-- W-We're in public! Nnngh--" Your pitiful words were useless as Alastor suckled on the junction between your neck and shoulder, making your head feel even lighter. Your legs strained and buckled, and you could just tell that if Alastor touched you between your legs, you would be drenched with your own arousal.

"Aren't most performances live, mon cher~?" Alastor chuckled darkly, his nonchalant attitude making your breath hitch again. A broken, disjointed moan was the only thing you allowed to come out. With your head still thrown back, you couldn't see the way he drinked in your appearance. Alastor relished and memorized how your throat tightened and bobbled with each noise you made... Arguably, this was much better to watch than your strife at the speakeasy.

Alastor lapped at your shoulder lecherously, before sinking his teeth in. You nearly screamed, the pain soon replaced by pleasure as Alastor suckled at the wound. You let out a pleased hiss when Alastor's hands moved higher, gripping you by your hips. Then, you felt his knee come between your legs, anchoring you in place. To your horror, Alastor could indeed feel JUST how excited you've gotten.

Due to you dangling in the air, gravity was already threatening to pull you down. And with his knee the only obstacle, you felt the friction at your core... Worriedly: a place where you weren't sure if you wanted stimulated in an alleyway. But, the deeper parts of your psyche ached for the display to contiue... to see how much the Radio Demon would do.

Your toes curled as you let out a high pitched yelp, your hips involuntarily grinding into Alastor's knee. The deer Demon's ears perked up. Not only had your heart fluttered, but your voice had changed... so scandalous! He wasn't one to engage in this behavior before Hell... but with how far your dress had ridden up, clothed privates gyrating against his knee... he felt the need to indulge.

Experimentally, he pressed his knee further into you, forcing a whine as you ground down again. It looks as though you bit off more than you could chew... but you couldn't help but revel in the feeling. Alastor smiled mischievously, practically groaning himself.

"Oh darling, you taste absolutely Heavenly...," Alastor exaggerated," And your little cries... THIS is a performance I'd like to see~" Alastor nipped at your skin again, making you quake and grind. Your mouth hung open as Alastor hungrily licked a stripe from your collarbone to your ear. He shifted his tone to a gravelly, baritone inflection that made you clench around nothing. With the confidence of a succubus, he whispered in your ear.

"Should we see it to its conclusion?"

Your head rolled to the side, allowing Alastor more access as you panted below him. The fire in your belly beckoned your answer.

"Pl-Please... I-- I can't-- I cant...! n-not without...," you bite your lip," I-Internal stimulation." Alastor chuckled, sultry eyes gazing back to you through half lids. How quick you are to switch sides... how quick you were to be putty in his hands. Perhaps you would be willing to engage in other deals...

"You doubt my abilities? You wound me~" He ground his leg into your heat again, sending sparks up your spine," Then you'll have to work for it..."

You whined as Alastor leaned in to kiss you again, his hands holding your waist firmly," You may use me to meet your peak, love...," Alastor huffed, bringing you higher with just his knee. You found yourself unable to think, your body moving on its own to situate yourself.

"And when you climax, I want to look at me. And only me."

You panted like a dog in heat as your hips moved on their own, Alastor's grip rather unnecessary. Though, if he let go, he would be scared of losing this moment.

Your hair clung to your forehead as your voice hit a crescendo, eyes threatening to roll back. He wasn't kidding. With all of this wording, foreplay, and tension... you may just come from grinding on his leg afterall.

You felt a hot, girthy tendril come up to your lips, swiping your drool across your bottom lip. Alastor was lowering himself,  kissing the hem of your top. You shuddered as you felt the heat of his face ghosting your skin.

"Thats it... keep going. I promise I will give you something much more fulfilling soon~"

You whined as your mouth fell open, Alastor's tentacle pushing past your lips. The promise had to demanding more. On command, you sucked on his tentacle, hollowing your cheeks as you felt it wiggle and explore your mouth. He had also managed to quiet you down... effectively: he killed two birds with one stone.

In his case... something had been hardening in his trousers, straining against its confines. Damn it all, he was losing his restraint.

Alastor's hands guided your hips, rocking you quicker against his leg. He would ensure that you met your high before he pushed you too far. Your hands flew up to steady yourself, grasping his lapels tightly. Alastor chuckled in amusement as he watched you bounce against him, eyes rolled fully back into your skull as you took his tentacle and his teasing. Alastor rewarded you with a well placed kiss, landing on top of your clothed nipple. You nearly shrieked as Alastor suckled there, a new tentacle coming up to tweak and fondle the other. What a perfectly flushed and scandalous display!

You were putty in his hands, about to come completely undone. You looked towards Alastor, signaling to him that you were getting close. The Radio Demon grinned, removing his tentacle almost immediately. It instead looped around your neck, pulling you close to his face.

Your head spun as what little oxygen you had was knocked from your windpipe, it's grip around you loose. And yet, it was sensual enough to spike the feeling in your gut twofold. You let out a garbled whine, your lips forming the words "Close! Cl-Close!!!"

Alastor brusher your nose with his own, his voice low and demanding," You can cum now, dear... let me see your grand finale."

Your entire body convulsed, the suddeness of your orgasm shocking you. Your hands shook as your nearly screamed, Alastor's lips silencing your pleas. He helped your ride out your pleasure, magma coursing through you as you started to return to your senses. You panted, breath ragged as Alastor returned your gaze, catching his breath at the same time. You looked down between the two of you, eyes widening when you realized what had happened.

Alastor's pants now had a very evident wet spot... but not just from you.

You looked to meet Alastor's gaze, eyes wide in awe as he gave you a toothy, blissful grin.

"You'll have to excuse me, dearest. I am not used to this form of... entanglement. Though I can assure you that we can work on that stamina... together."

Alastor lowered you to your feet, before catching you hastily. Your legs wobbled and gave out, too unstable to keep you upright. You smiled back, eyes still glossy with lust.

"I-- I have to hand it to you, Alastor... that... that was a show alright."

Alastor laughs breathlessly, snapping his fingers. With a quick flourish, the both of you were wearing new outfits. You were now dressed in a deep red gown, while Alastor was fitted in a black and red pinstriped suit. Evidence of your mingling was gone, his sweaty, slick hair had now back to its voluminous, pristine look. You questioned if you looked just as fair...

"As I said! It was a performance I was most invested in... and one of many, I would hope." Alastor pats your cheek, stepping back once he knew you could stand.

"Unfortunately, my dear, I am out of time. Business to attend to. But... whenever you are free... you may come straight to the hotel for check in."

"Ch-Check in...?," you reply," But... I wasn't so keen on redemption, remember?"

Alastor laughs, a familiar laughing track echoing through his vocal frequency," You jest! Surely you know all staff are to stay within the hotel, dont you? Free room and board! What could be a better perk?" You smile sheepishly, wiping your hands down your sides, as if they were dirty from your exploits.

"Well... I guess after a freebie and getting my hair blown back, it'd be rude to refuse... I assume I'll have my own room?" Alastor nods, taking your hand.

"I'll ensure that it's taken care of. Of course... if you'd like, I could give you priority on where you'd like to be placed...?" You swallowed the lump forming in your throat, suddenly nervous after having been given the ride of your life by a near stranger.

"Well... if I could be next to your room... it may make... 'practice'... a little easier?" Alastor smiled wickedly, pulling your hand to his lips. You held back a mewl as he kisses your delicate knuckles.

"Consider it done... I'll send some help to collect your things." Alastor backs up a few more paces, and double taps the ground with his staff," Check in is before 8PM... don't be late~"

And with that, the Radio Demon disappears, leaving your head reeling and face flushed. You sighed, placing a hand over your still racing heart. You had a lot of work ahead of you...

You begin your awkward, wobbly way towards you apartment. The possibilities and the future were looking all too promising...

Indeed, you were about to be a much richer, much more satisfied sinner. And you were a-okay with that.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

hi i just wanted to say, thank you very much for all of your posts and perspectives on the church hurt tags, it's very validating. the religious people around me are always pushing me to physically go to church and I've always been reluctant to despite feeling like im much closer to my faith and God as my best friend lately (all thanks to the numerous queer affirming religious blogs on tumblr btw!) and it's because of all the disagreement i have with the church and what they teach here (i live in a conservatively religious country where even supporting the queer community is frowned upon)

it makes me feel incredibly guilty that i don't feel the desire to go. not to mention, another reason is i work 6 days a week and also an introvert with not that many spoons and so i dont quite have the energy to go because sunday is the only day i get to recharge. but everytime i think about these reasons, i feel guilty as if im making excuses and that im just lazy, I can't never tell which is the truth and that only adds to my guilt.

everytime someone tells me to go to church, i long to find one where i am accepted for who i am, a place where i dont have to be afraid to be myself, a place that doesn't teach outdated beliefs that doesn't resonate with me. i long to feel the desire to go and to sing worship.

and at the same time, for me, worship and my faith lies in the small things that i do everyday, like looking at the sky and admiring the clouds, sending a quick prayer of thanks when the light turns back on after a blackout, enjoying the food that God has given me, listening to music on my way home to work, scrolling through affirming blogs and crying at the amount of compassion shown to me. but it feels like everyone says that's not enough, that we need to diligently attend church to truly be a christian but i just.. cant? which is shameful for me to admit.

im sorry this got long and became a sad rant but just, thank you for having that tag i really appreciate it, I've always been afraid to verbalize all of this thought because im afraid of being judged and being told the opposite but your posts have all been very helpful

Hey anon, I'm sorry the people around you are pressuring you to go to church, rather than doing any work to make the churches around you somewhere you could actually find spiritual flourishing. You deserve spaces where you can worship in community, but when those spaces don't exist, that is never your fault.

We can honor the sabbath in myriad ways: God's instruction to the first of humanity was not "go to church" but simply "rest," one day a week. If church is not a place you can rest in God's love, seek that rest elsewhere.

I pray that guilt will release its hold on you, that you can continue to find God in the small things, and comfort in knowing that the Divine Spirit blows wherever She will — outside church walls as much as inside them.

And I pray that you will find community that supports and celebrates you exactly as you are, whether it's among Christians or elsewhere, in person or online. We are communal creatures, created for relationship. Again, it is not your fault when others fail to extend a fully loving and reciprocal relationship to you; it is just my prayer that God will guide you towards those who can be that for you, and you for them. In the meantime, God Themself is as you say your best friend, holding you close through all things. <3

[thoustve]

i am... realizing very quickly that i shouldn't have jumped on this first job opportunity so quickly

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

It’s Okay

A/N: I’m writing a self-indulgent fic due to fact that I’m feeling  ✨ insecure and ugly ✨Yes this is me projecting. I like Heaven’s Design Team, and Unabara is one of my comfort characters, and he’s also v tall, and he looks like a good hugger. So why not write him being the fluffy being that he is.

Warnings: once again another breakdown, body image talk, mild nsfw mentions, mention of panic attacks

Tag List (even tho i know none of y’all dont know the show but shh): @misskittysmagicportal,  @bisexualnathanyoung, @super-unpredictable98, @joz-stankovich, @hufflepuffheroine, @ghouls-buddy, @magic-multicolored-miracle, @seancekitsch, @the-freckled-luba, @neuroticpuppy

“What’s wrong?” Neptune asks, seeing you curled up on the corner of the bed, hands covering your face. He’d just come in from another day of work with the team. They were working on an animal that’s seen and heard from far away. It’d been going okay, and they were making a lot of progress.

  You’d been denying him an answer to how you were feeling all day. Yes, he deserves to know. But something told you that you were being a burden. And that he didn’t need to hear your issues. He has a lot on his plate. And you didn’t want to stress the poor thing out. It’d only add fuel to your emotional fire. So you bottled it up. Seemed to be working just fine. Nothing a little forgetting can fix. You were really struggling. You can’t tell anyone how you feel, or else they may think it’s their job to help you. And it’s not. It never is. But they do it somehow. You’d always felt like a burden, maybe it was due to how everything in the past had worked out for you (horribly). Or maybe it was just due to your extreme anxiety issues, as well as being atrocious at keeping friends. They always left. And never came back. And somehow, that mean-spirited little voice always said it’s your fault. You’re the catalyst. You’re why everything falls apart around you. You’re the reason everyone’s stressed and upset. So that’s your philosophy. How’s that been working out, huh?

“I’m tired. And I’m upset for no reason. I’m also not feeling the most confident. But I can’t really remember a time where I did feel good about my appearance. I just straight up think I’m ugly. ” you mutter, tears forming in your eyes. 

  You’d been waiting for your body to finally cave in and let you cry. Weeks of missed panic attacks. Days without breaking down. First it seemed fine. Then the fatigue set in. So did the muscle aches. And feeling like sitting in the corner for the entire day. Thinking of what you could be doing. And shaming yourself for not being able to make a full meal. It was just so much all of the time. Everyone has their limits, but those also change. People grow. Somehow, though, it seemed that you were left out. And that everyone seemed to be doing just fine. Except for you, of course.

“Well, it’s fine to be upset, or tired. And I’ve mentioned that if you need help sleeping, I’m glad to help you. Be it cuddling or simply letting you be. But the latter part is where I find the issue. Your appearance is fine. But I know people can see each other differently.” he whispers, sitting down near you, but it seems as if he wasn’t close enough.

“Well, I honestly don’t know how you manage to call me cute sometimes. I really don’t see it. Never have.” you state, falling back completely onto the bed, arms spread out.

“I only say it because it’s the truth. If I think you look cute, or nice, I’ll tell you. There’s no use in me lying. What is this stemming from?” he asks, putting his hand on yours.

“I saw some of my old classmates from school and just....how? How do I equal to them? I feel like everyone’s moving on, and looking good. And feeling confident. But I just can’t seem to.” you say. Your eyes floating to a specific spot on the ceiling that looked like a snowman, and you thought about it for a while.

“Everyone’s different. And I think you look perfectly fine. And some people may just be feeling better. It doesn’t make you any worse.” he replies softly, twisting to face your flat form on the bed.

“Yeah, but I fucking hate everything about myself. Every time I seem to have something good, that dumbass voice comes back and I’m right back here again. I love my hair, then it’s a burden and I want to get rid of it. I look nice in these jeans, then I think I should lose the weight so they aren’t as tight. What the fuck is wrong with me?” you ask, tears finally falling onto the comforter.

“Aw, come here.” he says, laying down so he can look you at you closer. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Sure, you have anxiety, and yes, you have intrusive thoughts, but that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. And it doesn’t make you any less attractive.” Unabara whispers, holding you close.

  You begin sobbing into his chest, and your hands grasp at his sweater, trying to find something to hold onto before you fall from whatever was keeping you above the water. Dark, deep waters. Every part of you wants to scream, but you can’t seem to get that giant bubble from your chest. Neptune’s hand gently moves up and down your back, and you gasp for air as wave after wave of feeling go through you. It’s like you never get a break as tears fall repeatedly down your face, drowning you in a weird way. Your chest heaves as you wrap around Neptune, face hidden in his neck to get away from the reality of him seeing you like this. Vulnerable, and some would consider it torn to the ground. Somehow by your own feelings, you’d been torn to the ground and for what? Feelings were supposed to tell you what’s going on, not ponder if every person you’d met in your entire life was offended by you, and if they were it was always your fault. Never anyone else’s, always yours. That’s not true, but somehow you’d managed to get it engrained in your skull do much that no lobotomy would help.

  They never seemed to leave you be, it seemed. One moment everything’s fine and it’s all good and the next you’re on the floor again, wondering whether or not you should’ve said this, or that. Or said these things, or even simply existed in their presence. You had done nothing wrong, yet only the most harsh and cruel punishments were reserved for you with your name in bold, bright letters. Nothing could help you at this point. Not the warmest, and most inviting of baths, or the coldest bowl of ice water to dip your head in, disrupting you from the shaking you’d been experiencing. Even his strong arms couldn’t help as you trembled in his grip. You hadn’t even noticed that his eyes were closed, almost as if he was trying to forego tears. See look what you’re doing to him. You thought, but it was shut down as he opened his eyes, and looked directly at you. Throwing you off for a moment before you went back to dreading everything about yourself once more. Except the hiccups were subsiding, and the feeling in your fingers and toes had begun to come back. Unabara’s head was tilted onto yours, and you matched your breathing to his, calming down somewhat.

“Can you do something really quickly for me...please?” he whispered, deep voice echoing in your mind. You gently nodded, and he moved to get up as you still sat on the bed, the ends of your jacket crumpled and partially wet.

“You don’t have to do this, but I’m going to go from your feet to your head. List what you don’t like about the body part.” he said, and you nodded once more as he gently nudged your foot, looking at you to engage.

 You thought for a moment and replied in a quiet voice, rough from the tears.

“I don’t like how big my feet are. Sure, it may be fine with dancing, and it’s not that noticeable. But shoes my size are upwards of 70 dollars.” you reply, fiddling with your hands.

“Mm, I think they’re fine. I like the fact that we can share shoes sometimes. It’s more space for other things. Legs?”

“They’re oddly shaped. And they’re discolored too.” you stutter out, feeling goosebumps tickle your skin as his hands gently moved up your form.

“I think they’re quite lovely. And you’ve got quite a kick. Strong too. You can fit in more odd positions, may look uncomfortable. But you always manage somehow.” he says, kissing the top of your knee.

  It went on like that for a while, with you talking about how you hated the fact that your thighs don’t match in color to how the divots in your hip made you feel like you should look different elsewhere. When one part of the body was talked over, you both removed a piece of clothing, the same for each person. Somehow you’d even managed to mention that you didn’t like the fact that your stretch marks could be seen with a simple flick of a waistband. And only he got to see the secret ones. Hidden from many views. Eventually, it got to the point where you were mostly nude in front of Neptune. His eyes averted from where some would be looking most. When his eyes did, however, drifted southwards, it wasn’t one of sexual thought.

“What about here?” he gently asked, hands landing on your hips.

“I don’t think I can complain about her. So much to learn. And so many feelings, good and bad. But none to blame.” you mutter, gasping as a skilled finger made its way to where you seemed to want it most.

“I think it’s wonderful. And not in the “I think vaginas are nice because I only think of it in a sexual manner way. I think they’re neat. And there’s a lot to learn, and much more to unlearn as well. I always like how you feel on the precipice of orgasm. Almost like a vice, but not one that I’d be upset about. You’re usually the most vocal, pillow over your face, or face pressed into my shoulder. Then, you’re there. And I’m there, or close enough. You just look so peaceful and emotional in the most wonderful of ways. You’re not worried about how you look. Or how your hair looks spread across the sheets unevenly. You just feel everything at once. And I find that so amazing.” he whispers into your ear, and it took everything in you not to take him right then and there.

  Unabara didn’t give you a quickie that night. Or the ol’ suck and fuck. He took his time, even after you cried on his shoulder. And admitted your flaws to him. He made sure you were fine every step of the way. Holding your hand. Breathing into your neck as to not overstimulate his own ears. He even took the time to kiss over every last mark and scar from childhood on your legs before eating you out. I mean, yeah, you were ready to shove his entire face in your vagina. But the sheer amount of effort he went through to make sure that you were comfortable, and happy (in that moment at least). It honestly could push you to tears. How could someone care so much about another? They’d go through hours of love and appreciation, just to see you smile, or almost wake up the neighbors. 

  Tears fell down your face once more that night as you cuddled into Neptune’s chest. You listened to his heartbeat as his hands lay once more on your back. He looked at you with so much love and support. And you couldn’t help but crack under that pressure. Pressure to reciprocate. You always did. Somehow. Even in those moments where you pondered researching panic methods just to feel some relief. But you made it. And he found you worthy. Then slowly, slowly, you found yourself worthy as well.

Masterlist

[knightofameris]

sweet beginnings — hanamaki takahiro

Setting: Spring Inter-high Aoba Johsai vs. Karasuno Gender: Female Contains: n/a Word Count: 1.3k

Summary: With endings come new beginnings. 

a/n: i,,, actually kinda really like this part. It’s simple but sweet, like the title. i actually still need to write the last three but i haven’t posted in a hot minute so ehhh lol but i got the ideas so its chillin

bitter endings (pt. 1) || sweet beginnings: matsukawa || sweet beginnings: iwaizumi || sweet beginnings: oikawa

Enjoy! || Requests are open!!

❝ being stuck on what ends too soon will leave you blind to the future ❞

“Here, I’ll walk you home since your brother isn’t here.” 

A hand reaches down to grab your bag and you finally look up to meet Hanamaki’s eyes, a lazy smile sits on his face. 

“I can carry it myself,” you say, slowly getting up so that your knee doesn’t freak out. Your eyes widen and you let out a small yelp as your knee gives out and you fall forward. Hanamaki’s quick to catch you, despite the bags he’s carrying around his shoulder. 

He chuckles, “Sure, I can carry you too if you want.” 

“Wha-no! No, you can just carry the bag,” you sputter out as you try to create space between yourself and Hanamaki, but his grip on you is strong. 

“Well,” he smirks, “don’t go falling for me then, alright?” 

You feel your cheeks flush and you then raise your arms to hit him against his chest, “You suck!” 

Hanamaki’s laughs out loud, his laughter reverberating through the gym as he takes your punches. 

“Since when were you a flirt like Oikawa?” You slightly pout with a frown on your face. The two of you start heading out of the gym. You give it one last glance before closing it.

“Hang around the guy enough and you pick things up,” he replies casually. You make sure to lock it and then turn back to face Hanamaki. His hand is outreached to you. You stare at it. Then back up at him. And then back at his hand. It’s gentle and inviting, despite the callouses from his time with volleyball. “Come on, so that you don’t go falling for me and I don’t have to pick you up.” 

You gingerly take it and Hanamaki adjusts the bags to the other side so that he can pull you close. Your fingers interlock and you also grasp his arm with your other hand. You know, so that you don’t fall. 

“Yeah, but you’ll catch me, right?” You say back. You stare straight ahead, not really wanting to make eye contact with the boy even if you feel him staring down at you. 

“Yeah, I will,” he muses, something else was laced behind his voice but you couldn’t quite make out what it was supposed to be. 

The two of you fall into a casual conversation, the pace you’re walking at is a slow one, as if you’re both taking your time to get back home. It seems to be a common theme but the two of you are trying to prolong the night for as long as possible. It is a nice night after all, with the moon shining down on the two of you and the stars flickering in the sky. 

“What are you doing after graduating, Maki?” You ask. It’s a question that all the third years have yet to talk about. One that holds too much uncertainty and sadness. Yet, it’s a question that holds excitement for the unknown, for the pursuit of something more. 

The question hangs in the air and Hanamaki takes a few seconds before he replies. 

“University, probably. Honestly, I’m not sure what I want to do after this. You?” 

“University for sure,” you answer. “Might want to study abroad, too.” 

Hanamaki lets out a small whistle. “Abroad, huh?” You nod your head before your thoughts go elsewhere. 

You purse your lips, another question lingering in the back of your mind but you’re not sure if you want to ask it. 

“Got something else on your mind?” 

“Always the perceptive one, aren’t you?” You meet his eyes with a smile and he shrugs. You bite the inside of your cheek before you decide to ask. “Do you think we’ll still talk after graduating?” 

Hanamaki’s hand squeezes yours after hearing your words and you can’t help but lean a little closer towards him. 

“I want to,” he replies. “I’d hope so.” 

You hum in response, your house coming into view. 

“Me too.” The beating of your heart quickens and you’re sure that he can feel your heartbeat. And if he does he doesn’t say anything about it. Hanamaki hasn’t even said anything about your slightly clammy hands, if anything his hold on you has tightened. 

To you and to him, it just feels right. 

You both reach the front of your house but both of you guys don’t want to end the night here. So you’re both standing there, with you now in front of him and staring up at him. His thumb rubs small circles on the back of your hand. You’re glad that he hasn’t let go yet. 

Hanamaki takes a small step towards you, a soft smile on his face and you can’t help but smile back. 

“I don’t know if it’s obvious but,” he trails off, bringing your hand up to his lips and kissing your knuckles, “I’ve liked you for a while now.” You feel your cheeks heat up, from the simple act of him kissing your hand to his confession.

Though, it doesn’t come off as a surprise. For either of you, really. Suddenly, you feel bits of regret settling within you and you realize now exactly what you wish you did differently, even if it couldn’t have changed the outcome of the match. 

You wish you and Hanamaki didn’t dance around each other’s feelings these past years. 

“I, uh,” you stammer, “me too. I mean, I liked you too! Or, well, I mean I still do. Oh my God. Sorry.” You bury your face with your free hand, too embarrassed to say anything else. 

Hanamaki laughs and you can feel your face heat up even more but you still peak through your fingers at him and the moment you meet his eyes, you notice something deeper hidden behind his. Adoration, maybe. Probably. 

With his free hand, he slowly pries your hand away from your face. He pushes some of your hair behind your ear and then caresses your cheek. 

“I know we’re graduating soon but, if you’re willing, I’d want to make this work.” 

You place your hand over his and nod your head, “Even if I went abroad?”

“Even if you went abroad,” he murmurs. You don’t notice how close his face is to yours until you feel his breath on you. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Yes.” 

Hanamaki leans down, closing the gap and he places his lips on yours. You close your eyes and you’re surprised at how soft he is against you despite how his lips are partially chapped. He gingerly moves his lips against yours as you kiss him back, tilting your head to deepen the kiss. You feel him pull you closer to you and you stroke the back of his hand that’s placed on your cheek. 

Just like the match, the season, and the night, the kiss ends too soon and you’re both pulling apart. 

Slowly, you open your eyes, mouth still slightly parted from the kiss. You find Hanamaki smiling down at you and you smile back. 

“So?” You’re the first to break the silence.

“So what?” He arches a brow at you. You roll your eyes. 

“You haven’t asked me yet, to be your girlfriend, Takahiro.”

He grins, loving the way his name rolls off your tongue. “Well, go out with me, then. Let’s make it official.” 

“Wow, what a way to phrase it, but sure, okay.” 

“We should have done this sooner.” 

“Yeah, but let’s make the most of what time we have together before everything changes.” You lay your head against his chest, hugging him. Hanamaki runs his hand through your hair as he hums in response. And though everything was going to come to an end, you knew that something better, sweeter, was beginning. 

a/n: hnng on one hand i dont like this one too much on the other i think it’s short and sweet??? IDK but i like the idea i have for matsukawa and iwaizumi :3c but i might revamp oikawa’s to something else lOL also i hope i wrote hanamaki alright 🥺 👉👈

taglist: @makkihoe​

[tsukkis7th-hoesblog]

It was a misunderstanding.

Warning : nothing to bad , swearing

Tsukkishima ×reader , kuroo x reader ,akaashi x reader ,bokuto x reader .

_______________________________________

The boys were still all practising even though the coaches had called it a night. And you just finished cleaning the gym with kiyoko and were heading to the kitchen to prepare dinner .

As you were walking past the gyms a ball flys out and hits your head . You fall back from the impact ,which leaves ur butt on the concrete . You look up to see kiyoko. She has a worried look on her face . Then from the corner of your eye u see a tall white figure rushing towards you , it was tsukki .

He bent down towards you , you were about to tell him that u were alright but he just grabs the ball and stand back up . He just looks at kiyoko once "is she ok?" You nod and he just turns around and started walking toward the entrance of gym 3 .

"Hey! Tsukki who the hell do you think u are ?" You scream as u quickly get on your feet and move towards him . He swiftly turns around and you hit your face in his chest . "What?" He says wiping his shirt . "Your not even going to apologise to me " you say putting my hand on my hip . "You said you were fine so nothing even happend , stop over-reacting " with that he just turns around and walk into the gym .

You were used to his bitchy side , but u wanted to piss him off the way he always does to you . So like a dumbass you walk into the gym forgetting that other people are also practising ."tsukki !!! You son of a bitch , I'm gonna shove that ball up ur big white a-" you stop ,seeing kuroo with the ball in his hands . He just looks up with a disgusted look on his face "wait , this ball ?" And throws it to bokuto .

You quickly palm ur face and grab the ball from bokuto and hit a serve towards the tall blonde head that belonged to tsukki . His back was facing you so saw his glasses hit the floor . But by Akaashi's reaction you realized you might have over-reacted a little .

He slowly turns around , his glasses still on the floor. He just grabs the ball and walks towards me . You were terrified , u put ur hands behind ur back and looked at ur feet . Now he was right in front if you , towering over u . You try to say something but is cut off by tsukki putting a finger below ur chin ,making you look into his eyes. And for a few seconds u were speechless . You have never actually seen him without glasses , and he actually looked hot when he was so angry like this .

"I didnt throw the ball out of the gym so I didnt think I needed to say sorry to you , but either way I dont think u needed to throw that ball at me ?" He says with a raspy voice . He just puts the ball in my hands . I look at him confused "wait , u arnt gonna scold me ?" You say confused .

"It was a misunderstanding, beside I dont have the time " he says with a straight face , then turns around to walk towards the benches and drink some water . You were still in shock and only now realized that three of the gym 3 squad were staring at u and tsukki. Kuroo was wearing tsukki's glasses and bokuto had his elbow rested on kuroo's shoulder . Even akaashi stood close to them not saying a thing but just watching the commotion.

"What are u idiots looking at ? " you say as you ran to kuroo and grab tsukki's glasses off of him . "Hey! I look hot with those on " he whines as I clean the lens with my shirt .

Y/n pov .

"Damn y/n , that jump serve was really good . Who would have known you become a pro when u get angry " bokuto says as he towers behind me . "Oh shush, "

"can I have my glasses back ?" Tsukki asks with his hand extended .

I hand it to him and he simply just walks away . I felt a little sad and move towards akaashi and softly said "that's too bad , he actually looked really hot without those glasses" akaashi looks a little surprised but then smirks and leaves me to go practise . And I couldn't help to think of tsukki in that way , he usually just annoys me and I annoy him . It's how it's always been , but I find his rudeness kind of amusing .

Idk what pov this is :

you thanked ur bad taste in men and began cleaning up the gym . You only then realized that kiyoko had left and u were left to clean the entire gym .

You were wearing a sweatshirt but you were getting kinda sweaty after cleaning around and decided to take it off. You only had a light purple crop top with short white shorts . You didnt really think much if it and tied ur hair and began doing the heavy lifting .

Third pov .

Bokuto was just about to hit a strike but the ball stopped a few meters in front of him . He froze in confusion to why the ball was too short, he turns to akaashi .

To see ,akaashi standing still and was staring at y/n . Her hair was tied up and she was practically wearing nothing . Now all the boys realized .

Bokuto felt his heart drop as he saw how short ur shorts were, and they were practically invisible because they were so tight .

Akaashi wanted to grab ur waist and slide his hands up ur shirt .

kuroo wanted to grab ur hair and rip ur shirt off and take you right there in the gym , he then felt his shorts get a little tighter .

If u think these boys were starstruck , tsukki had a much different idea in his head .

He didnt even realized anything until he saw the players attention elsewhere. He noticed how u look when u tied your hair , as u almost never had ur hair in a high ponytail. And he knew he'd already seen you wear that shirt before, but with those shorts he felt like he had seen u for the first time .

You were still oblivious to the situation the boys were in ,until you realized that they were too quite for too long. You turned ur head to see all eyes on you . "What" you say with a bench in your hand .

The boys looked around all shy until kuroo came rushing towards u " you shouldn't be doing all this by yourself, here let me help " he said as he took the weight of the bench . Now you were even more shocked ,"its my job but thanks " you say as you smile at yourself like a idiot .

"What are you smiling about?" Tsukki says as he grabs the empty water bottles that were laying on the floor . You turn around to see bokuto grabbing the towels from akaashi's bunch . You were really confused now . But you let it be , after the boys where done with ur job they just stood in front of u with their hands behind their backs .

"Ok you guys are acting really weird ,what happened?" No one said anything. So you quickly thought of something .

"Ok if you guys are done I'm going to hang out with daichi and asahi, he was calling me a while a- "

"NO !" All the boys scream and stretch their hands out .

"Why are u guys acting so weird? Bokuto tell me now !" I say knowing bokuto too well .

He gives me puppy eyes and takes one look at akaashi , who was giving bokuto a death glare . "Sorry y/n "

" You just look so hot in those clothes today " kuroo blurted.

"What " I say , my eyes almost popping out of my head by the change in character and situation . The other boys groan in annoyance and tsukki just tskk.

You raise ur eyebrow at the boys " ok thanks for the ego boost I was feeling a bit insecure today but like what the fuck , u guys are so weird " I say laughing. "Why are you guys making such a big deal out of this ? " akaashi was the colour of a tomato , and his eyes not daring to look you in the eyes .

"We just couldn't focus on the game with you doing.. well the things you were doing .We are only men can u blame us ." Bokuto says with smirk on him face .

" you are still boys but you guys are the real ones to talk " I say bending down to grab my sweatshirt as akaashi and tsukki sit down on the ground. "Whats that suppose to mean ?" Tsukki asks drinking from his bottle .

"Are you guys that dumb ?" I say as they all give me confused looks. "You guys are 6 feet something boys wearing booty shorts and tight shirts while jumping, screaming and sliding on the floor . Theres a reason I became manager without even knowing it was a volleyball club. To be honest you guys are probably the hottest boys I've ever seen "you said too much . As if these boys weren't cocky before , you knew u had actually killed them . "I mean only when u guys play in a proper match "

"That's why you used to come to every practise first and then leave the last " tsukki said .

"No I'm a just the best manager in the world "I try to defend myself.

"I always knew u had a thing for me y/n " kuroo says as he grabs his bag ,

"no thats not what I said , I said u guys are hotter when you play , and I dont like you guys in that way " you were obviously lying but you had to keep cool .

"Whatver u say y/n , but just know I'm only one floor away . If you need more help with any matter just call me anytime u like " he said with a wink .

"Shut up , besides I gotta go now to make you guys dinner , please dont be late to dinner again . There wont be any more food left " you say as you blush at bokuto remark . "Ur lucky I like being bossed around from time to time " kuroo said pushing a stand of my hair behind my ear and then I practically run out of the gym .

Third pov .

"Damn shes hot when she's shy " kuroo says . "Yea too bad she is into me more " bokuto says in kuroos face .

"What!! she never said that ? Did she ?"

"I actually thinks she likes tsukki " this was the first time akaashi opened his mouth about this topic . "What!?!? " the boys said at the same time .

"A few minutes ago she said that tsukki looked good without his glasses , so I'm guessing she likes tsukki more "

tsukki gets all shy and defensive and says . " she doesn't like me , today she told me how much she loves your hands , and some weird shit "

"What " akaashi says as he looks down at his hands . "Yea she told me that too , I think she has a hand fetish " kuroo said .

"Well whatever she told me she loves bokuto's cake , I didnt even know you baked cake " akaashi asks bokuto. "I dont bake cake , and I haven't even seen her eat cake . "

Kuroo starts laughing " you know cake mean ass, right ?"

Bokuto in shock now " she said I have a good ass , omg she does like me "

"What about kuroo? What did she tell you guys about him ?" Tsukki asks a little too eager . But the boys just look at each other .

"Relax , whatever she likes about me she has already told me face to face , she even called me her captain once "

"What , that's not fair ,I'm a captain too!!" bokuto sulked as kuroo stuck his tongue out .

They were laughing as akaashi's phone rang . He answered the call " ok ok we are coming , relax y/n !" He said as he quickly cut the line .

"You have y/n's number !?!?that's not fair , she said she would give it to me but she forgot . " bokuto said grabbing his shoes .

And the boys then made their way to their rooms to get ready for dinner .

_______

Idk what this is but I might add more to this .

@haikyuu-texts @teawithlemonacid @tsukkisuki @tsukki--daisuki @keiji-n @kotaro-kun @keisdumpling @kozumebabie @bokutos-eyebrows @bokuto @bokutokoutarou @bokutosbiceps @bokuotaku @akaashiisbae @akaashikeji @akaashiofficial @akaashikoutarou @akaashisstar

[trilies]

"Safety” and KHR fandom

Lately, I’ve been seeing quite a few people in the main “khr” tag get really concerned about “safe” fandom events, and making spaces where there aren’t any “p/edo” ships. As a CSA survivor, I am reasonably invested when these sort of things pop up.... but not for the reason you think.

This is because I’ve yet to find a person who talks about these things that actually cares about real and living CSA survivors.

I can only speak of my own experiences, of course, but they’re so prevalent and reoccurring that I felt I should address the fandom as a whole about this. Hit “j” if you want to skip this for whatever reason. But I would appreciate it if you read this, because I feel this is starting to become a regular problem.

Because it is.

Now, I’m not going to make any claims on why these people are doing what they’re doing or saying what they’re saying. All I can say is that, from what I have witnessed with every single person who has cried “NO NASTY SHIPS” in the main khr tag, their response to actual CSA survivors ranges from dismissal to outright slurs.

Yes, that’s right: I have had a slur used against me when trying to discuss my problems with how some people have acted in the main khr tag:

[image: a set of tags including “get fucked lol” and “you’re a cunt”]

As a note, this conversation started because I suggested just blocking the R27 tag, noting that I don’t even like it myself, instead of them starting a brawl in the main tag like the OP was trying to do. Their response was to get hyper-aggressive, fling insults (slur included), and basically just scream at me over the internet.

Obviously, I myself am a biased source since I was involved in this conversation, but I’m fairly certain that I did not fling insults or slurs around at someone just because they didn’t agree with me. If there were other imperfections to my approach, well, I’m only human.... but I can guarantee that much.

Occasionally, they don’t get that outright aggressive. They’re simply passive-aggressive in their insults of CSA survivors who don’t immediately agree with them, and proceed to put words in those survivors’ mouths.

[image: text from the OP: “i just wanna find someone who likes reborn that isn’t a weirdo, like i promise that shipping p/edo/in/cest is not required to watch the show. u can be normal”]

[my response: “As a CSA survivor, please stop throwing around that term recklessly like this. Stop trying to fling the word “normal” around. Just stop. I can explain more of my reaction to you, if you want an actual discussion.”]

[OP’s response: an emoji, and then tags going “bro u can just say u wanna ship i/ncest and p/edo stuff. u dont have to bring up being a csa survivor promise it doesnt make sense.”]

This person really did outright say that they didn’t understand why a CSA survivor would mention their status as such in a discussion about p/edophilia. If you also cannot understand that, please ask, and I will explain.

And then you have the people who outright admit that they essentially don’t care about CSA survivors.

[image: an ask from myself that goes “As a CSA survivor myself, your “safe” khr rarepair week post really frustrates me, but especially moreso because your addition of “if you have a problem, don’t say anything” makes me feel as though you’re trying to duck out of any criticism or issues on your idea.”]

[op’s response: “i mostly said that so trolls would not overrun my askbox with hostility lol. if it frustrates u that’s ur problem and u can still participate in the original event.”]

As a note, this person’s post that I refer to made the claim that their event was meant to be a “safe space” for CSA survivors. Thus, one would think that their ears would be open when an actual CSA survivor approached them with the clear implication that their event was flawed how it was approaching its alleged goal.

One would not think that the response of a person who allegedly cares about CSA survivors would go “Well! That sounds like your problem”.

In my personal experience dealing with these types of individuals, the *best* result I’ve ever received was someone seeming to just block me and essentially bury my response on a post of theirs.

These are not the actions and responses of people who care about CSA survivors.

People who care about CSA survivors do not insult and fling slurs at those who disagree with them.

People who care about CSA survivors do not put words in their mouth and ignore their concerns.

People who care about CSA survivors do not say “That’s your problem” when approached on how they may be harmful in their attempts to be an ally.

So to people who are immediately drawn to posts claiming to be about “safety” and fighting against “p/edo ships”, be careful, especially my fellow CSA survivors. You are not guaranteed safety with them. You only have temporary access to a kind of safety, where you’re in the clear so long as you do not disagree with headcanons, or ships, or character interpretations.

This is just my experience in the KHR fandom alone on this subject; I have had terrible issues elsewhere too. As far as I can tell in this fandom on its own, there has not been a single vocal person who has been genuine in their alleged care towards CSA survivors both present and for the future.

At least, their own words and actions have certainly not implied as much.

I’m open to any genuine attempts at conversation, such as further details on the individual events of those screencaps (I kept things short since this is a long enough post already) or what exactly my problem is with their use of certain terms, etc, etc. However, that’s only if you come in good faith. I’m not tolerating any further slurs and the like.

The reason I made this post is because I want people to think critically about posts like these when they come up, and to take care so that they don’t end up in situations like I did. In my case, I at least knew there was a possibility of such negative reactions. If someone had a slur thrown at them just because they’d said the wrong thing by accident? That’d be terrible.

Take care and be safe in these tough times.

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

Hamilton!firstprince au

(cross posted from twitter with a couple of edits b/c i couldn’t make them there)

in which i loosely follow the plot of hamilton except its firstprince and alex and henry get a happy ending. inspired by the striking similarities i noted between our favorite first son and his namesake hamilton in the broadway musical

the similarities:

both have/will have a political career

both often talk too much/don't mind their words

both began as lawyers

both extremely motivated but overwork themselves (“nonstop” +  “you have a fire under ur ass for no good goddamn reason)

both had some sort of sex scandal that impacted their career plans

hamilton speculated to be bi

the story

the setup of the colonized country alex lives in is similar to the usa vs england but fictional bc alexs race would have limited his opportunities in america's early years

idk names for either of these countries so its now the colony and the motherland

alex + his mom live alone in the poorer southern part of the colony

but his dad + june live elsewhere + they dont rly contact e/o (tho they do know of e/o’s existence)

june becomes a journalist who writes important pieces abt independence

when alex comes of age his mom reveals she used to be part of the rebellion

thats actually why his dad left to raise june bc it was too dangerous

his parents met in the rebellion but oscar left first for june while ellen stayed until she realized she was pregnant w alex

ellen still has some rebel contacts but she mostly sheltered alex to keep him safe

now tho alex decides to join too + the rebellion sends him up north to the capital for an education bc he's smart + they need people like that

he attends uni + meets like-minded people there

tension grows btwn the colony in the motherland, and alex + his friends write/speak out often and this goes on throughout their schooling

they’re also troublemakers in general too, much to the annoyance of the motherland soldiers stationed in the capital to prevent rebellion

henry is one of those soldiers

he's from a noble family in the motherland but was sent overseas as the sort of black sheep of the family due to his sexuality

the idea was to let him be in charge in the colony + reestablish a reputation there w/o embarrassing the main family back home

henry hates his job + feels bad for the colonists but still does what he's told anyway

alex + fhis riends like to bug motherland soldiers for fun

nothing  enough to put their lives in danger too much (although yes that too esp when drunk)

henry becomes a favorite target of alex's bc he's awfully stoic + statue like + on the way to uni - overall fun to antagonize 

there's also the fact that alex is angry at all the soldiers for oppressing the colony + holding up the motherland monarchs tyranny (but also alex just is the type to fight literally everything and anything) 

it becomes almost a daily ritual for them to argue 

henry wonders why this colonist keeps on picking a fight w him but soon almost looks forward to it

many of the other soldiers know or speculate why henry is in the colony but none make the effort to get to know him; some even call him arrogant or undeserving of his position

alex doesn't 

of course alex also doesn't know him

and alex hates him

but he doesn't whisper behind henry's back

henry comes to read some of the essays alex publishes speaking out against the monarchy + also hears alex speak to crowd in the square

alex is a talented + charismatic public speaker

henry finds himself growing increasingly sympathetic to the colonists cause

at the same time he and the other soldiers are order to be stricter and dole out more punishments

the others gleefully do so which makes henry concerned about alex's safety bc alex often seems to have no self-preservation skills

henry asks alex for a word when he's alone 

“am I in trouble?” “no but you bloody will be if u keep going on like this” 

“this is serious” “so am I” “you can't go around saying things so openly you'll get yourself killed”

alex tries to leave at this point “I think I'll be ok” but henry shoves him against the nearest wall 

“listen to me! stop acting like this is a game! ur putting ur sodding life in danger! I dont bloody care what ur opinions r but why must u declare them around enemy soldiers? how is this helpful 2 ur cause? u cant fight if ur dead” 

“you'd b surprised how effective martyrs are” 

cue enraged henry noises 

alexs gaze turns hard “listen i  appreciate/the advice” he says sarcastically “but I dont need an enemy telling me what to do. I can take care of myself” 

there's a stirring in alexs chest after he removes henry's hand and stalks off that he's pretty sure is anger

like it can't be anything else 

while alex is trying to convince himself of that, the tensions boil over + soon the two sides are on the brink of war then the fighting starts

henry + alex don't talk much for a while bc they're both busy on their sides preparing

school is on hold during the war so alex + his friends are looking to serve + bring glory to their names 

alex esp is recognized for his intelligence + becomes the recognized general rafael lunas secretary

luna is the george washington figure in this case who is impressed by alex wants him as his right-hand man

alex is disappointed his role is not on the battlefield bc he knows he has a good tactical mind + he could change the tide of a losing war + gain honor and status thru it, which would put him in a good position to be elected in the future

as secretary, alex is in charge of a lot of important correspondence eg for more supplies + men, so the motherland soldiers figure ambushing him off the battlefield would make things hard for the colonists

henry overhears this plan + immediately worries for alex's safety but he's cornered by another soldier to talk strategy + misses the chance to take out the men then

henry manages to catch that they're going to attack alex at night when he leaves + henry arrives just in time to kill them in a panic

alex hears the gunshot + yells “drop ur weapon”, drawing his own gun

henry obviously does + alex inspects the scene he keeps a gun fixed on henry

“what's going on?” he asks, eyeing henry w/ suspicion

henry explains everything + looks positively terrified bc he just betrayed his side even tho the motherland and his family has treated him like shit since he came out but still. 

becoming an outright traitor is not something henry ever planned + leaving behind everything he's ever known w no hope of ever going back is terrifying

but he also doesn't regret protecting alex

alex questions henry but can quickly tell henry is sincere + is telling the truth

henry explains his change of heart + they have a heartfelt moment in/just outside luna's office.

alex almost died + henry just switched sides, emotions are running high and they escalate into a kiss. the moon is out + it's all very romantic but they don't admit their feelings yet

soon after they go to luna, explain the situation + talk w the other generals/people in charge

henry is sent away on an assignment + is watched closely at first but he proves his loyalty quickly

henry and alex write letters back + forth that turn into love letters 

besides managing correspondence for luna, some of alexs ideas of sneak attacks/stealing supplies help turn the tide of the war andhe also writes to other countries for foreign aid

eventually the colonists win in this huge up start that no one anticipated bc the motherland is known as the most powerful country in the world

he + henry reunite in the capital of once the war is over

alex finishes up his studies + practices law + soon is chosen to be part of the new lawmaking body

things are going pretty well for alex w his legal + political success and his relationship with henry

they dont live together but theyre dating tho no one else knows

alex pretends to be single instead + says he doesn't want to be tied down

it works while he's still in his early 20s but as he gets closer to 30, people start to find it strange + tell him he needs to settle

being married to his work is also not a valid excuse anymore

it turns out alex made quite a few political enemies due to his strong opinions that he always vocalises + can be unwilling to compromise on

they don't like his ideas or more often hate him and hence his ideas too

they look for some dirt on him bc atm he has lunas support which has a lot of sway + decide they need to find out why he hasn't married

they manage to find out about henry + threaten to tell the public

alex is obviously distraught re the consequences personally + politically

so alex and henry discuss what to do 

henry is willing to put alexs political career 1st but firmly explains their relationship can't continue if that's the case

henry gave up his whole life + any possibility of going back to his family so he's not willing to be someone's dirty little secret  

alex doesn't know what to do so he goes to consult luna who he's become very close with over the years

luna is not quite old enough to be his father but he's like an uncle + he always calls alex “kid”, much to alex's annoyance

but alex knows he'll have some good advice

alex + luna end up having a long conversation

like washington luna has always been very vocal abt his regrets re his naivety + desire for glory back in his youth

hes always said that this was his greatest regret in life. but then he tells alex like he had another great regret in life- letting go of the love of his life

alex is surprised bc luna's never mentioned anyone special

“who is she?” 

“he” luna corrects “he was my best friend. we had something a relationship but it was short-lived bc I decided I wanted to join the military + attain glory. i thought thats what i wanted in life. turns out that stuff is meaningless w/o anyone to share it w. nor did I even achieve it. perhaps i did accomplish some things but now in my retirement I have no one by my side. i have found that life is meaningless without love and family.  

“i tried to find my friend to reconnect after all these years even as simply friends but he died in the war. alex, I see many similarities between us. don't make the same mistake that I did, alexander. glory + lasting legacy mean nothing if you're alone in the end

“if you make choices that are motivated by love and family you will be a lot happier”

alex takes his advice even though he kind of hates sort of giving up to his enemies

he decides to choose henry and his own happiness over politics bc in the end he's done a lot of good work and that much is enough

also his enemies probably would try to blackmail him throughout his career if he was doing something against their interests

so he + henry leave the capital and move uptown and the two of them have a quiet retirement + engage in philanthropy for the rest of their lives

separately they've amassed a decent amount of money - henry kept a portion of his inheritance despite being unofficially disowned and alex made a lot of money as a lawyer and then politician

as it turns out alex still has a tangential role in politics when some of his former allies go to him for advice

all in all, alex happy with his final decision to be with henry and step away from politics

the two of them live happy and full lives together

[transrightsjimin]

i was tagged by @soulmates7 thank you!!

7 ALBUMS GAME

Rules: Make an image HERE of your top 7 albums, just type in the name and select the album. This can be top 7 of all time or this year or whatever you’d like. 

ok i couldnt choose at all so now i have two images

but also i worked for 6+ hours on looking up bands i had seen live or used to listen to more often and i made a list with albums and singles that i have repeated / re-visited a lot or that simply mean a lot to me nd that i’d recommend to others. it was a bit hard to make bc i also love a lot of songs that are single releases with only 1-2 songs, but i don’t listen to them like you would to a longer single / mini album / full albums. i wanted to include laboum’s full length albums (two of us and low pop wow) but those sadly have the lowest production value in most of the songs so i cannot enjoy those fully. there’s also some older plastic tree albums from the 1990s that are hard to access for listeners so i can’t add those. anyway this is the full list (in progress) lol

CHECK IN GAME

1. How has your day been?

quite ok! i slept for 9 hours thats fucking wild, idk how that happened but im grateful! did cry abt gender stuff and am a bit frustrated abt how i took so many hours to look into old albums instead of do useful stuff, but it was very fun and inspiring.

2. What’s the last thing that made you smile?

hmm idk? i dont rly like, keep track of when i do or dont smile when im not in public hgghkjg

maybe the halloween pictures my mom sent me from her home? those were fun. or maybe my friend. idk i was quite cheerful / neutral this morning but since later in the afternoon i had a dip(?)

3. What’s keeping you entertained these days?

uhmmm ive been recently watching halloween-related videos by Abby Green on youtube and rly enjoy her vids on makeup and halloween films and other chitchat and her makeup looks are so cute! also im watching sabrinah the teenage witch episodes from time to time w my friend in the evenings, though we also watched more of stuff recently like goosebumps episodes and films and the griezelbus film and carrie yesterday. we also watch a bunch of other shows but im not too entertained by them, i just find it hard to look away hjfdkhg

4. If you are in some kind of quarantine/self-isolation, what do you hope to achieve in this time?

uh i dont know? my country has never had a real full lockdown but i of c do try to limit going outside aside from working hours, though life hasnt been much different from pre-pandemic as i rarely do fun stuff anyway. i was always inside at home for most of the time but i dont do super exciting stuff here too bc i’ve probably never gotten out of my burnout i got in 2013. i did recently watch stuff together w friends online like watch bts stuff or try to dance together but everyone is either busy or has shitty connection nd it just didnt rly work.

i mean i do want to help better my mental health through CGT and giving myself more structure nd being stricter w bedtime. i rly hope my mental health will get better but idk if i can bc the CGT appointments are 12 in total and after that the therapy stops. it rly sucks but i accepted the offer as i otherwise would be on another waiting list elsewhere too and at the previous place i had therapy for several years, i kept getting new therapists regularly too bc of stuff like their contracts ending or pregancy so i guess im used to not being able to see a therapist for a long time. so idk.

i want to get better mental health and better concentration. i also just need to get a stupid fucking job bc while i dont want to work at all, i have to to be able to live and i need a reason to get out of bed every day to go somewhere so i would have more structure and be less depressed. i mean i could say i want to draw more and dance and read more but ive been saying that for years and i still rarely do it bc im so demotivated nd have worsened focus for years and my special interests are all over the place so i never think about getting stuff done while i really should.

5. Post selfie, if you’re comfortable doing so

from a while ago. it gave me 70s vibes somehow, i like it

LAST SONG

versailles - prince (got bored so i quit playing the song)

LAST SAVED PICTURE

the downscaled selfie and 7 album pictures above

tagging: @princeshojo @lampshroomomg​  @trespassers-will @baepsrae

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Coraline, I miss you.

You know what's funny,

This is the first time, in a long time,

Where I actually didn't cry by the end of our story.

Like I was shocked for a moment, like:

"Why do I feel ok?"

"Why am I not angry or sad?"

"Or ready to toss myself out of a window?"

It’s because we've already died once. I've accepted this death.

My soul has felt like this, twice maybe nearly three times....ok maybe 16 if you’re including childhood. Heartbreak don't phase me no more. It’s required when falling in love with someone like you. Someone who has ripped through people so many times as the same had been done to you as a child.

But Jesus rose again each time.

He has gotten me through every hell hole with you.

I shall fear no evil.

No longer do I fear the love in my heart for you either.

I dont have to do anything. I dont have to say anything.

I can just be here, chilling, living my life, as I should.

Helping myself to a pack of gummy worms

That I forgot was on the floor.

And there’s nothing you can do about it. 

Im not choosing to be bitter.

Im not choosing to be scared that my ex lovers might kidnap me, kill me, or break my heart again in the future.

(I might have these thoughts in the back of my head...)

But for what? Because of the past?

I know who they are and I know my God.

"God is bigger than the boogie man"

He will protect me from Peter Pan, Captain Hook, and his crew of theives.

Im not crying in pain anymore.

My wounds are sealed.

It’s finally been done.

Even though im still in love with you, yet left me with none in return.

I know you still burn a secret torch for me.

And you’ll probably be the last to know as you still say to yourself “its just lust”

But i did the same thing, holding myself back because I thought it was just lust and look at where it got me.

Stuck playing with you, and sipping vodka at pity parties whenever you or she called it quits.

And I'll probably be there once they realizes how to escape from the prism of prisons that they (one person; my ftm) had forced themselves into to survive their childhood:

1st- their insecurity and battle of mind

2nd- their complex view on sex, marriage, and commitment

And finally 3rd; childhood trauma.

Jay you gotta heal from your mother and your father's wounds that they gave you. Emotionally and physically.

Because the scars that you bare now, can pass on to your children if you don't grieve properly.

Showing emotion is not weak. Yes, you are going to be vulnerable. But it takes strength to show where your wounds are to somebody that you trust.

I'm sorry I lied about my involvement with Calvin to try and make you feel jealous. We're just work buddies, nothing more. It was to get back at you for making me feel jealous on purpose in Franken----, I had a feeling that you were doing it for attention from me and her, because you wanted to see how I would react. So instead, that day (and the day at the target/mall) I gave you the cold shoulder and ignored you every time you attempted to get a reaction out of me. Because I knew you were being sly and sadistic to me, you felt a dry spell between us and wanted to know if I was being mischievous or did I actually stop being interested in you?

I know its confusing, because by this point usually you would say something argumentative like "well, how do you know all that?"

And then I would say, "Clearly, its simple. I know you. Jay-Jaiden-Jocelyn. Because clearly you operate on entirely different plane of view than I. You think like 3-4 different people at a time, and that my friend sounds exhausting.

That repepetive pounding in your head is from, your father still infiltrating your mind. The one who abused you the most.

I saw this that night we got into it at your apartment. You got in my face, poked me in my chest as you said "Now you have to make the asshole."

You made the energy in the room feel cold. And I knew it wasn't you.

It was your father. You became your father's energy. You replicated that.

Because your body remembers.

You, Jay, might not remember.

But the other people in line for your spot in your mind do,

Remembers all too well. They keep your secrets safe within you.

Once the council figured out that I knew,

they got scared and tormented me for it.

Na, knows it too.

She's playing mind games on you.

But you can't see it physically.

I couldn't see it either at first.

Until I got home everytime and reflected back at what happened

In reverse.

Everything is inverted.

This whole time I thought it was you that was evil.

But its really been her.

She's been using your mind against you.

All because of cheating on her with other people over the years. It hurt her deeply. She grew numb, cold, and distant. That’s why she wants another. Because you were always looking outside from her to seek pleasure and attention.

She used to be serving, and submissive to you, but now she’s outsmarted you. She knows that you will always play outside, so she gave you a leash. Thus, a leash for herself to gift you, so she could seek her benefits elsewhere too.

She said she always felt like she needed to take care of someone or something to feel better. I think you’re still in delusion about everything staying together with her.

She said she was gonna ask me to move in with y'all! Of course I was next to have a leash. I was her next project to take care of.

I needed to get out of there. Before she had me hip to her bosom just like you.

A girl with mommy issues. 

I was next on her guest list.

She knows the key is to my heart. And the only way to get instant access is my...... “peaches.” SHE WANTED EXCLUSIVE ACCESS TO MA’ PEACHES! 

OF COURSE I RANN!

And I’m glad I did. Cause’ then you and I would have been stuck on that boat for awhile. Like her two light skinned boyfriend/girlfriends. 

I know it sounds like I have commitment issues, but tbh she was way too controlling of a girlfriend to begin with. And I see why, but still...

I know it might take awhile before you actually find this.

But please know, my intention was to help you.

But at least I found out before its too late.

That I can't.

You can't save someone who doesn’t see anything wrong with their environment. I can see you’re both hurting, but I have to let you both learn what's been going on on your own.                                  

Only you can break down the walls that your mind built yourself within.

That damn rabbit hole. I didn’t want you to fall in.

But I can see now that you already did.

And I accept that I’ve lost you. My best friend.

But you’ll come back when you are ready.

But I can't say that I’ll be the same person by the time you come back.

Because we always do.

I love them, and thats it, thats the end of it.

And I finally know its alright to feel peace

After I’ve already done all that I could.

What happened. Happened. And its up to me now to carry my own weight and pack my saddlebag for my next adventure

-✈️You’re looking at your new Flight Attendant. 

P.S. I’m earning my badges as I go. And Tumblr, I’m just venting while my therapist is on my vacation and I’m waiting to come out to my parents until I move to have a decent, stable home in New York or Connecticut somewhere...wherever...damn...imma be 25 next year wtf

[thedappleddragon]

I dreamed about learning things in large chunks with each time I woke up a little bit, took a deep breath, and settled back down, so I ended up sleeping in later than I wanted. I saw that the drawtectives season finale was airing, but I missed the very beginning so I took a shower and watched it afterwards. it was fuckin hilarious and I loved it and I want to rewatch the end and stare at karina’s huckey hees art at the end <3 I made myself a bagel and we were out of the garden veggie cream cheese I fell in love with, but we had onion something and it was also good. uhhh I dont remember the play by play, but I ended up spending a LOT of time crocheting today. I made some progress on the frog and started small parts to make a second MATCHING frog to go with it. they’re gonna have inverted sweaters <3 I also started work on a possum by making a cone that’s gonna eventually go in the face as the muzzle. I had an unnecessarily hard time starting it off with a magic ring and getting my yarn to do what I wanted, so I ended up having to use a yarn that’s not quite right and the cone is a little lumpy but it’s workable. I think I'm gonna add 2 cute little stripes to the sweater to incorporate the white elsewhere. it’s gonna be cute dont worry about it. I think I'm gonna give the bear to my friend as a birthday present Saturday :) I bought my other friend something for her birthday next month but shhh its a secret because she follows and there is a very slim chance of her finding out. but I'm a tad bit worried that she might see the thing I saw and buy it for herself before then? I hope not lol. my dad, sister and I ate chocolate covered strawberries (I ate most of them oops). I wanted to toast a piece of bread and started fiddling with the oven, and my dad asked why I didnt use the toaster. I told him it exploded months ago so he brought one out of the garage he had set aside for when he gets his own apartment. I didnt end up using it but I will tomorrow if there are any bagels left. if not I'll just put cream cheese on toast because im a slut for cream cheese. I was thinking about college and im so excited and nervous about it at the same time, I wish it would start sooner. but since it’s months away I need to get a job in the mean time (which really I should have done ages ago oops). I told my dad that I already knew 2 of my friends who were already at ball state and I was rooming with one of them and he seemed really happy and exited for me. I’m really glad I'll have someone to show me the ropes and help me learn how everything works. I just wish candles and wax warmers were allowed in dorms because I just got a bunch of little candles and one yankee candle with a wick too short to burn that I want to melt down and put the wax into my gummy bear ice cube tray to make little wax gummy bears to be melted in a wax warmer. sigh unfortunately not all my dreams can come true. I'll just hold onto the candle for now. unrelated but at some point in the day I sat down backwards in my bed to where I could see myself in the big headboard mirror and later I was goofing around in front of the bathroom mirror and I felt cute and pretty and like girlfriend material with a little bit of work and. my self confidence has been through the roof for like the past 3 days?? hell yeah. I'm pretty :) I just need to learn to make normal faces in pictures again because I default to a stupid silly face. there was a point where I couldn't stand to look at my own face in high school which made first period art class absolute HELL because the project we were doing was digitally color blocking in our face little bits at a time and I couldn't stand it. uhhh I really dont want to end this on a sad note since I had such a nice day... my cat hung out with my a lot and was purring really loud this morning while I was half asleep trying to keep her from eating wires. I also watched a lot of drawfee and stuff while crocheting as background noise because they’re like my favorite YouTube channel. ALSO I FINALLY BOUGHT THE DRAWFEE MUG BECAUSE THEY RESTOCKED IT :D I also got a pin which I'll put on my backpack when college starts up. do people wear backpacks at college?? I need to text my friend and ask westhdrjkvhjbbut uhh it’s almost 5 am and my laptop is almost dead so I'm gonna call it a night. love you goodnight mwah <3

[formashimataichi]

Lot I agree with and yes his problem with loss and the way he was brought up is significant.

Here's where I'm coming from though. Karuta itself as a game doesn't reallly matter. What matters in any of these types of stories is not the sport itself, what matters and always will are the characters and their relationships. The sport and competition are useful insofar as they serve as a playground on which these characters develop and interact.

What makes Taichi so interesting as a character is that his relationship with Karuta exemplifies this principle the most. There are different levels of complexities through which it is expressed. First of all there's what we're talking about which is his inability, because of the way he brought up, to deal with loss in a healthy way. We see this in the flashbacks when he's praised and pushed to be the best at even Karuta and he stoops so low to maintain that as to steal Arata's glasses.

But there's also another dimension to it which is his feelings for Chihaya. Huge part (maybe the main reason) of why he worked hard to excell at it is to get noticed by her since it's the thing that has taken her whole focus. That's why he wanted to win against her that badly.

Thens theres another layer to it which is Arata. His inferiority complex with regards to Arata signifies both "struggles". Arata is someone that he (believes) he can't beat. He thinks they're not or can't be even on the same level. That highlights his problematic relationship with losing and not being the best at something as he was pushed since he was a kid. But not only that, Arata's excellence at Karuta grabs Chihaya's entire attention. Her passion for the sport starts with him and he continues to be someone she looks up to. (She later develops her own reasons for reaching the top that has more to do with her rivalry with shinobu)

Apologoies for the long introduction. But this kind of mishmash of struggles and renaltionships fueled by his anxities and insecuries manifesting in his relationship with Karuta is exactly why I don't think like you think, which is that his arc is about coping with loss and therefore losing was necessary. That's merely one aspect to the story. There are different lessons that can be learned and each could take his arc in a different direction. Just to give you an example I can totally see a conclusion where he ends up with Chihaya but ultimately loses to Arata. The arc could be him learning that not being the best at Karuta isn't the end of the world and that appreciation and self worth dont and shouldnt come from his skill at Karuta. That lesson can be validated by Chihaya for whome excellence at Karuta was not a deciding factor in seeing his worth and deciding to be with him.

I could imagine the opposite where he does beat Arata but doesn't win over chihaya. And the lesson can be that it was insane from the beginning to try to win a person over using Karuta and how that developed an unhealthy relation in which he tied his self worth and performance and enjoyment of Karuta to Chihaya(we see that clearly since its been pointed out several times that when she's there he underperforms) . So "losing chihaya" to Arata wasn't the end of the world and his enjoyment of Karuta shouldn't depend on his attempt to win over Chihaya and that he can find fulfillmemt in working hard at something and excelling at it against all odds but free of the insecurities he brought with him initially.

There are many ways through which he can find self worth be it within Karuta or outside it. My problem with your take is as I said the emphasis on one aspect which is the competitive loss. (Also I think it's kinda misleading to talk about loss. He loses a lot and keeps pushing himself all the time. Sense of cope with not being the best or at Arata's level is more accurate). But if you add the Chihaya dimension you could make a coherent but also satisfying conclusion in which he loses in both aspects but finds self worth.

Guess my point is everyone should stop dismissing others criticisms and for everyone to stop seeing their interpertation as the only valid one.

P.s. I still prefer my arc in which he loses in all aspects but doesn't find self fulfillment either inside or outside of Karuta.

Sorry for rambling for so long.

I don’t mind rambling! I ramble all the time, as I’m sure you’re already aware, lol. And I think I understand what the miscommunication between us is now. I don’t think at all that loss is the all-defining trait of his character arc or the only one by which his character resolutions will ultimately be made. It’s just the one I’ve focused on specifically in my posts since yesterday because of the issue I had with people’s interpretation of that depiction of loss to begin with. I wholeheartedly agree that Taichi’s arc conclusion is also definitely going to take into account his feelings regarding Chihaya and Arata respectively; those are also really important closures he has to reach in order to be able to move forward, and they tie in just as heavily to his issues with self-worth. I’ve discussed those in detail elsewhere, though, so I wanted to focus on the loss aspect specifically with that post I made yesterday, because the overwhelmingly negative reaction to it kind of baffles me. That’s not to say that I think people with other view points are outright wrong or that people don’t deserve their right to criticism. Any narrative is going to warrant that after all, and that’s the beauty of discourse! But I feel like a lot of people who are upset with where Taichi’s arc goes tend to feel like Suetsugu abruptly ended it with the Qualifiers and defined it by that loss—even the main translation team that had been handling scalantions for years quit after the Qualifiers were over, because they weren’t satisfied with the direction his story took—and to me at least, I don’t think that was the end of his story, and there’s still resolutions left to be made by him afterward. I can definitely understand people still being doubtful to a degree, of course, but I simply hope people can be patient enough to see Taichi’s ultimate endgame before they decide whether what everything he went through was worth it or not and if that loss was really the end for him. I have my own doubts about things, too, but I want to afford Suetsugu that chance to prove herself first, I guess. I know that’s not something everyone will feel about similarly, but maybe I feel about it that way because I’m a writer myself. 😂

[subarashiet]

lifes been weird and sad , got so much stuff i wanna say dont even know if thats the right subred to but here goes.i m 18 , from Greece , first year in Uni and life is not the way i want it to bei live on my own , rent is being paid by mom and her husband , month pocket money given by dad and by my part time jobat some point in high school i understood that our school years were our most carefree years , tho only now do i really understand itman this post is gonna cramp my fingers shouldve used the pcused to hang out a lot till 2nd year of high school then in 3rd year cause of me studying more i was hanging out less , used to have around 4groups of ppl to hang around then only one , cliche but i wasnt anyone special in school , gotta mention i went to a music middle-high school , only highlights i remember are in 2th-3rd grade trading blows with a girl (think she was 5th grade) ,3rd grade kissing a girl in her cheek then running away from the boy-horde coming after me , 4th grade trading blows with a 6th grader ,6th grade punching a guy for calling names my little sis (we good now see him out we talk he a nice dud) , 9th grade a girl i had a chance with but fucked it up big time , 9th grade breaking a cello almost getting expelled ,12th grade playing bass at a concert in Thessaloniki with a music group of my schooldidnt really have many close friends but there were some from school and other places you can call closer friends , but now even with them i ve started to fade away which i cannot bear but i m the type of giving up and not trying until i m lategot laboratory this morning and this is gonna take a while hope i can get some sleepfeels weird using reddit to express my thoughts i even find it a bit cringy talking to myself but oh welli wanted to visit a physiatrist because i ve been so mentally tired that i think i might have crippling sadness xD but i tried to arrange that back in July-August pre my 18th bday so she said a parent was required to be present so i just kept all the stuff to myselfi was learning classic guitar from 1st grade to 8th still play to this day , in music school i kinda learned h2p electric but didnt practice enough to be able to play good , also know some pianobeen listening to post rock and mostly fate music these past 10 monthssucker for good anime tho i ve been out of it lately havent even finished my summer ones , oregairu has a nice ending from what i got spoiled fromanyway thing is i am sad most of the time , i try not to show it cause i like the stereotype of being the strong guy that everyone can depend on and almost never see being emotional and also like the cool tempered guy type , tho lately i ve been craving a lot of attention that i drop the act of the calm n cool sometimesthings with my parents didnt go to well these past years , only now i can say that we ve finally kinda calmed down , mom and dad started falling out of it around 8th grade cause lots of fighting , big sis kindof took the role of mother while on her teen years , feels like she had it much worse than me10th grade sis leaves home to go elsewhere to start studies for uni , i m left with ma and lil sis back homethen i understand that i have to be there for my little sis which also got in my school that year (3kids-3years difference each) so i tried to assume the role of the big brother but she was closer to her older sister than me , i was closer to my older sister as well , feels like i was doing my lil sis wrong but i cpould relate more to big sis and could chat with her more about stufflil sis didnt open up to me a lot even to this day , she has been a lot more comfortable with me through the years i think cause she told me something important recently , kinda feelsbadman tho cause i wanted to be closer to her and i kinda tried but i think not hard enough cause she didnt seem to get any closer , cried once about it in front of my mother which was the absoluteliest worst cause i didnt want her to see me being fragile jesustho even now that i m not home i talk to her play some among us tried making her start xenoverse 2 that didnt go farhave some friends from school , we would only go all together at internet cafes , but mostly 4 of em would go out togetherin my school i had some friends from scouts tooi have an insta , used to post "cool" pics kinda stopped cause i like looking cool in front of others but i havent been in the mood to try in around a year nowused to be in some conservatory guitar groups with some other kids there , with one girl from there i used to be quite in touch until recently that i stopped seeing her for some reasons maybe i ll explain l8rwe had fun and i really mean it , we used to go on trips to play songs on different cities and stages , our group became kinda known the 2-3 good active years we were active , it still is but these years were the originals , now there are other peoplefucking christ its 2:27started playing in that group with the originals in 2017 till 2019 , we were kids from different ages going from 6th to 10th graders but i didnt understand the different in our ages until recently that i found one of the guys from the group in my cityanother closer friend is a guy from my school , met him in grade 7 still talk to him , used to sit together most of the years pretty neat guy , peculiar character but really interesting kind smart and hard workingman why couldnt my teen years be like shirou from fsn that would be awesomehad entrance exams 4-5 months ago , didnt really go as planned , shooted for Corfu didnt get in cause rather than 15 i got 10 in my last exam so i m still in my city , tho i live alone and go to my local uni insteadJuly 2019 i moved out of my old house moved in with ma and her husband with my sis , stayed there till september then till june-july 2020 i was living with my fathertbh i decided to write this post after watching a vid of Korone talking about Okayu thinking that i ve never been in an actual relationship and that i eould want to experience that but dont know where to start from , losing weight ? becoming outgoing again ? learn how to talk to girls ?i started watching anime back in 2015 on my 3ds i remember watching dubbed Inazuma Elevensince like 2 weeks ago i reached 201 anime completedok i ll stop here for tonight cause i got online uni classes tmrw i keep stimestamps for whenever i finally post this -Tuesday 3/11/2020 02:41used to be around 85-90kg in 12th grade , put on around 20-28 kilos since March 2020 , managed to lose 8-10 kilos in the summer but i m still around 30kilos up from the normal amount based on my height , got a subscription to a gym jan2019 but only managed to get into it for a short period on spring 2019 then autumn 2019 then lost motivation and let go , since March2020 i ve been doing some weights at home , tho when i look at myself in the mirror it doesnt really change how bad i feel about my body , i think my old motivation used to be a girl i used to have a crush on but not surethings with my parents werent all that great and i was mentally better when i would talk with them , they are openminded af and supportive too but puberty makes you see stuff differently like everyone is against you like the world is against you (last one might be true dunno yet) , living on my own now seems to be a bit better but as our Greek ancestors used to say theres no good without bad and the bad in this scenario is that its lonely as fuck , having lived for 18 years with my family it really hits a weird spot , everything feels lonelier now with the virus spreading around not being able to see others as much as we used to , uni doesnt feel nice , many people dont pay attention and its like the second half of 12th grade all over againgot my monthly money 4days ago , went from 200 to 9.28 quickly , when i have money i spend when i dont i m stingy , mostly like to build computers , watch lots of Linus , Paul , Kyle , Jay etc. most of my money goes to buying stuff about computers food , used to give lots of money to internet cafes when i used to hang out with the guys from school , not anymorewith the start of uni we all met new friends even i but i still feel like i am drifting apart day by day , stopped talking to my old girl friend cause i was kinda done with her attitude , called me some names i didnt appreciate because i put up with her attitude , most of the time in her own world , only would really pay attention and try to change herself when it was something she cared about , one of them wasnt her character , but to give the goods of her she was a good friend dont know if i can say she still is a friend or just someone i know , she helped me even with the girl i had a crush on , was really fun on trips with the guitar group , all in all a fun person , thing is i stopped texting her and telling her to go out cause it was 80% me trying and the other 20% her and i think that proved right when i stopped talking to her cause i thought she will see that i m not talking to her she ll think somethings wrong she ll message me to go out and have fun , send me a happy bday message posted some pics of me , didnt send me anything else after , stopped talking to her around the start of October , if i hadnt asked her something about her uni and if it wasnt my bday i dont think we wouldve talked in all of october . last saturday i was working in the area she lives in my city decided to call her sometimes didnt answer tried to suprise her and see how she is by going to her house , noone answered maybe they were on a trip idk , but it feels weird man , in the first half of the year me and a common friend of her and me went out one night , ended up being the bad guy to make her understand that she did something wrong that night , after she left i was left with our common friend talked about stuff and mostly her and i expressed myself , i knew that coming summer me and her would end up at different places so i wanted to tell her all the wrongs with her so that she could finally understand what i ve been putting up against and make her understand that she HAS to pay attention to people around her and that she will meet new people and that she ll have to be careful about her character , used to have a bit of crush on her back in 7th grade , can kinda understand why that went . On the other hand i didnt want to part ways with her with our last words being me ranting , one thing brought the other and she wont be going to her uni's city until early 2021 so i managed to go out with her some more in the summer and september . kinda feels bad to see that almost noone remembered my bday cause i remember in cram school when someone had their bday they would get a fucking cake , dont mistake me i got one , from my ma my two sisters and my moms husband , thing is i wanted to have something happen with friends , nothing happend , around 4 people remembered my bday and the others just send me some happy bday messages after seeing posts from the girl i m talking about .also heres a good song to listen to while reading stuff on reddit Sorrow from FSN by MN64 cant post links from what i understandgonna stop here for now might edit later -Tuesday 3/11/2020 15:15thing is reddit is not the right place to get help and i need a friend but it seems i cant get any from my friends , even my other friend the guy i used to sit with in all middle-high school he has drifted apart , talking more with other of his friends doing other stuff etc , that one time i needed to talk to him he said i ll call you in a while , waitied 1 and a half hour then asked him why he didnt call he said he forgot (i think) , feelsbadmananyway i dont think i m gonna keep editing this i ranted enough , gonna leave the post up for a day or so in case anyone wants to add anything then taking it down -Tuesday 3/11/2020 23:58

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[fatherquesadilla]

Orion D. Black -They/Them · @DungeonCommandr

4th Jul 2020 from TwitLonger

my statement

"It's July 3th and I no longer work for Wizards of the Coast. I no longer work on D&D, the little that I did. This is going to be a long thread and my last for quite a while, so bear with me.

I took the job for two reasons. The first was for the dream. To escape poverty doing what I love, writing and making games. The second was to make D&D welcoming to the millions who are scorned by it.

A lot of people had hope for D&D that they carried with me. While some people were upset to see me work for a corporation that overshadows indie, others hoped that I would be able to make real change. I tried. I failed. And I lost a lot.

Liking a tweet or post, RTing, or even following people who speak ill of WotC can lose you your job in an instant. That's why you never see it happen. @Zbeg is 100% correct. It's a silencing tool. I can say more now.

Kindness doesn't replace respect. Working within your comfort zone doesnt support change. Most people in that group were not ready for me to be there, a nonbinary Black person who would actually critique their problems. Idk what they expected.

I worked hard for a very long time. I got a lot of smiles and vocal support, but it was followed by inaction and being ignored. My coworkers were frustrated for me, and still are now. I confided in them often, cried on shoulders on a few occasions.

I realized at one point that leadership had given me 2 assignments over about 5 months. It was mostly me asking project leads for work, searching out opportunities. Leadership didnt really care about me or my growth. I had to.

I firmly believe that I was a diversity hire. There was no expectation for me to do much of anything. I probably disrupted them by being vocal and following up. It didnt matter if I was supported by seniors and positive.

I think genuine people proposed me as an option and it was accepted because it would look like a radical positive change. It would help quiet vocal outrage. And because I had to stay silent, it was a safe bet.

I started to lose all of my confidence. I started to lose trust in myself. After finding out that I wasnt getting an extension or FTE, I resolved to just finish things out and take care of myself. To stop fighting and to just survive, quietly. But it just kept getting worse.

They would talk about how they're going to start working on treating staff better, retaining contractors, actually answering questions. How much they were invested in diversity and change even though they hired two cis white dudes into two big leadership positions during this. One of whom claimed that he doesnt know what he's doing. No shit. I never want to hear "maybe they just hire the best person for the job" again.

I found out that some of my work was stolen, which destroyed me. It lined up with a project they were going to do and I had sent it in to someone in leadership months ago. The project was announced and this person who contributed "forgot" that we had a meeting where I gave them my ideas, and then a follow up document the day after. I knew nothing was going to be done about it. Someone else told me that the person said sorry that they forgot. That's it.

I was really losing my ability to do much of anything. I have depression and anxiety and ADHD, all of which I manage pretty well. But those parts of me were under the pressure of being ignored, disrespected, "forgotten", and not being able to say a word to the world.

Then, as social unrest continued global due to BLM, the D&D team comes out with their statement. It was like a slap in the face. How much they care about people of color, how much changing things (that I and others had been pushing for months, if not longer) was just going to happen now. It took weeks of protesting across the globe to get D&D to do what people they hired have been already telling them to fix. You cannot, CANNOT say Black lives matter when you cannot respect the Black people who you exploit at 1/3rd your pay, for progressive ideas you pick apart until it's comfortable, for your millions of profit year over year. People of color can make art and freelance, but are never hired. D&D takes what they want from marginalized people, give them scraps, and claim progress.

I spent my time in that building worrying about how much people hated me for working there. I spent a lot of time thinking about how much it hurt to work there. I had and still have supporters, and many. Thanks to you all for being my voice and speaking out when I could not. But I felt so isolated and alone. If not for some coworkers who checked in on me, who were going through the same things? I would've quit. Every angry statement about D&D felt personal because I couldn't fix it. Because I failed, whether it was my fault or not. I felt like I was being trashed by everyone because I could not disconnect what I set as a personal responsibility from the state of the game. That part IS my fault.

But I wound up as I am now because of all of this and much, much more. I am depressed. I am unable to write. I constantly question if anything I create is worth anything. I feel like I let everyone down, and no matter how much people tell me I didnt, that doesnt change. I feel guilty for not being what y'all needed me to be, what I wanted to be, and betrayed for how I was treated at that company. It's an exceptionally kind place on the D&D team. People are very nice to each other in a very genuine way that I truly enjoyed. However, that doesnt replace respect. That doesnt delete how I was treated. It doesnt change the fact that I honestly never want to play a trpg again and am definitely not working in that field anymore.

I know that I'm probably losing a ton of opportunities writing elsewhere because of what I've said here, as well as what I've sent in internally. It may mean that I will return to poverty, which makes me feel like a failure to my race, my family, and my partner who I want to provide the world. But under all these things, I have my integrity. I worked my ass off. I did my best for as long as I could. And I didnt let them treat me like that without telling the world what needs to be said.

Trust actions, not words. Not "look at how much we freelance so and so", because freelancing is exploitation of diversity with no support for the freelancer. Not "here we finally did what we KNOW we should've done a long time ago", because they only care about how optics turn to dollars. EVERYTHING involving D&D will continue to farm marginalized people for the looks and never put them in leadership. They wont be put on staff. They will be held at arms length. I hope they prove me wrong.

A lot of BIPOC and other marginalized people are trying to make their way by using D&D. Dont shame them for that. Think about how much, and when you wield your anger, that it is done righteously.

That said, I dont recommend to anyone, working for the D&D department of Wizards of the Coast."

https://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1sra9pq