#and i just needed to vent somewhere i guess

[kbius6]

TEN year anniversary for the Tokyo Ghoul anime has me dead. TEN YEARS?!?! REALLY?!?!?! IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS?!?!?!

This was the first manga I ever read start to finish(and reading it made me kind of hate the anime lol(I don't hate it, but it deserved better). The fact that it's turning 10 just absolutely boggles my mind. I was going through so much at that time, grandpa dying from cancer, being in the closet and terrified to even admit it to myself(pan & proud 🩷💛💙) my depression coming back in FULL swing and then some, and on top of it finally being a teenager(14 in September 2014). It's always gonna have a special place in my heart. It helped me get through so much, and honestly it's probably what really kicked off my love Japanese metal/rock music(I know Unravel is just a meme at this point but TK's music fucking slaps)

[stabbyfoxandrew]

i want to crawl under my desk and go to sleep

[callsign-relic]

I shouldn’t listen to my thoughts after 9 pm (it is currently 12 am where I am 😭)

but currently feeling the good ol’ classic “your ocs aren’t good enough” from my brain rn abagsgxcn

[itzsana-kiddingmenow]

a wild sana was spotted in a cafe eating donuts and drinking coffee with her dad a mere hour after he beat her to the floor.

update: he gave me my first motorcycle lesson on the way home 😭🤚🏻

[twotangledsisters]

I am coming to terms with the fact the drawing I spent fours hours on and HATED with a burning passion upon finishing... is okay, it's not that bad.

However, the comfort piece I just doodled in an hour while sipping tea is definitely ten times better XD

[blitz0hno]

Why does knowing I have DID because ✨DID Problems✨ make said problems both less and more Terrifying.

Like I know what it is and how to cope. I'm getting really good at it in fact.

But also these are like. Problem problems. I dunno if we can counsel ourselves outta this one gang..

Blogging time! Cuz like yeah it's objectively weird but just another Sunday for us lmao

Like tell me why, when we headed back to work shortly after hanging out with a friend, "we" briefly couldn't even remember who we hung out with. Except now that I know what's going on, I realize when I'm not fronting. This other alter fronted by surprise, probably because we were deciding where to work tonight.

Like cool I know why I was so out of it but still Doing Things but the WHY there makes things. So incredibly complicated for me. And bro felt baaaaad like shit he didn't remember jack. Because duh the Guy Who Was Not There fronted only after the other human is Gone. Some alters just can't help but mask and it's not good for us so they don't front with others around, you know the basics lol

And why do we feel like a bad friend even though we remember them perfectly clearly now. We remember them, but we had to consciously communicate it... To someone else in our own head... Like a thought-game of telephone? And like u know what it's like to think u can feel your brain working, and mine's like "compartmentalize or else." Whoops! Having fun? Many people wanna share front? Gonna slice up the memories! Oh you're conscious of this process? Amnesia. Get shadow realmed bitch you're not about to come into contact with something you shouldn't be reminded of. DAMN being wired for Living is so cool actually but also mom pick me up I'm scared (picks myself up). We always remember after a moment or two, which is why we never used to suspect amnesia to begin with. I will never understand why latching onto guilt for every little thing seems to be hardwired into our being.

It's up and down really, and makes socializing tough even though we love interacting with our friends so much. And Idk we always have really good communication when we're happy (and high ngl) but sometimes if we're alone we connect a lot of dots and don't know what to do with them. Silly funny interesting things and not something legit keeping me too dissociated to drive lmaoooo good thing we're freelance

BUT because we stopped, we saw a raccoon skitter across the ground. I love raccoons, they're cute. We were just thinking about them earlier. Makes up for the Horrors I think.

Tryna make some more money before bed but my phone is crying "no signal" despite working on certain apps. Guess I'm being forced to chill for a second. We're doing just fine and hopefully have a whole new job soon. We saw a magazine at the store that had part of the title obscured and all that remained visible was "your mind works." I think I'll take that as a good sign because uh it sure does! We deal we deal.

Being myself is the best advice I ever actually followed but damn this is difficult.

So yeah internal communication is a fuck. But less so than it used to be.

[aetherbound]

It’s been a week since I posted about turning off Discord notifications…and they’re still off. I feel somewhat better, but I keep fluctuating between barely functioning to having enough social energy to send a few texts over discord. Hopefully I can be more active again.

Thanks for being understanding, I love y’all <3

A wall of personal ranting text is under the cut, I just needed to let it out somewhere that isn’t my venting notes.

I worked 51 hours in two weeks and made $408. My half of the rent is $435. We’re okay, my partner makes good money to pay a few extra dollars, but he shouldn’t have to. I should be making more money, but I’m not. I don’t have enough leftover on any paycheck after bills and groceries to afford a car payment and car insurance.

And the best part is? I need a car to get a better job to make more money to pay on more important things. Right now my partner and his parents drive me to and from work, but I’m actively trying to get a license and car so I don’t have to rely on them. It seems impossible to buy a car with what I have left over from paychecks. I’d get laughed at if I said I could only put $20 down at a used car lot.

My managers are assholes and I’m told in a joking way “You suck.” “You’re slow.” “Shut up, no one wants to hear you talk.” I wish I was exaggerating and not quoting verbatim. Realistically, I’m not doing a bad job. My managers are just older men who like to use rude humor. My PTSD symptoms are still flaring up more often because they purposely slam things and laugh when I jump and cover my ears. On three separate occasions I’ve had to tell people NOT to use my deadname, and if it happens again I don’t know if I can keep calm and not scream.

In all my 24 years of living, of domestic violence, borderline homelessness and more horrors, I’ve only had 6 months of peace. Then that’s when the whole cancer fiasco started. I’m a year out from my last chemo infusion and my stress levels have been the same. Did I really just survive cancer to STILL be stressed? To go from a good job and shitty household to move into a better household and shitty job? My life is a fucking joke.

I’m waiting to hear back from a Filipino restaurant to see if their hours and pay are better, but I’m still looking at other places to work in case it doesn’t work out. I have an appointment next Tuesday to ask my doctor about getting medicated. Something to get my anxiety stabilized or something when I’m about to spiral into a panic attack.

Things will get better, when you’re at the bottom the only way is up. But I’m fucking exhausted man. I’m tired of coming home from work and feeling like I want to scream and break shit. I’m not a violent person, I’ve never even screamed at someone. I’ve not ever thrown things. When I’m angry, I just cry or be silent.

I just want things to be better before I completely break. I feel off, and that’s besides from my depersonalization/disassociation being heightened. I hate feeling irritable and numb. Maybe I’m being too sensitive and need to get over it.

But the sun will rise and so must I.

[chaoticstrata]

Existential crisis/dread.

Thank you brain for reminding me that I'm getting close to forty, still signal because I'm terrified of getting into an abusive relationship, and will probably die alone. I SO TOTALLY FUCKING NEEDED THAT THOUGHT TODAY!

-sigh-

And of course my brain decides to spiral with this by making myself feel pathetic. Still living at home. Barely leaving the house. Probably couldn't survive on my own. Not taking the best of care of myself--'no wonder you have issues with your teeth.' Ugly and chubby. No way you could date anyone, too much of an invert, too selfish with their time. Wouldn't even know how to date if you managed.

Fuck. I have work in a bit. Thankfully I don't really need to talk with people.

[viscerism]

i've learned a lot of things by taking an anatomy class like how apparently your scapulae are supposed to lay flat against your ribcage and should not protrude from your back and also i've been living with a musculoskeletal condition that has been causing me severe pain and upper body weakness for as long as i can remember

[specters]

whenever my roommate is like "don't be mad at me" after doing something that negatively effects me or something i truly just get more mad 😭

[orange-chair-of-doom]

For all Izzy Haters (not all, all, just the one puritanical enough to start a witch hunt for the one who enjoy him, the other idc, you do you, babe, agree to disagree):

If you had an Hannigram phase -> you're an hypocrite

If you didn't have an Hannigram phase -> I did, Izzy is literally the least problematic shit I like, stop clutching you pear in horror, it's literally a downgrade from my usual depravity and toxicity

[hershellaytonlovespuzzles]

Vent under cut.

I've been doing better mentally but today was a really bad day for me. It just hurts to see that now that I'm out of college and fully an adult, I'm struggling to find a job at all and nothing is what it was.

My friends feel further than ever regardless of geographic location. I haven't physically seen a friend in months. Some of my friends I haven't seen in years. We are all too busy. And I am no longer good at keeping up with my friends, both online friends and local.

I used to have so much energy and excitement when with my friends, and I could keep up with texting often and feeling involved. That's all gone now. I don't talk nearly as often as I used to, my presence more ghostly than ever. I can see my friends getting closer but I have no idea how to catch up anymore. I'm too passive and I don't want to be, so it's like I'm drifting myself away.

My friends mean the world to me but everyone and everything just feels so far away anymore. I feel like connections are barely hanging on but I'm afraid to address it because I don't want it to snap entirely. I'm afraid to ask how to fix things or if we are still friends, because it might make people feel obligated to say yes. It could also sever the connection entirely.

This has been one of the hardest years for me mentally. I just kind of feel stuck in myself and it's unfixable.

[inga-don-studio]

3 work days down, another 3 … possibly 5 to go …

I’m grateful for work & all, but goddam I need to find something with a regular schedule so all my work days aren’t clumped together like this.

[becauseplot]

literally cannot work on my main fic bc i am afraid of getting a specific pair of character's dynamic/relationship wrong. try to open the google doc and i physically recoil. ough. i just wanna write my silly block men fanfic. 0(-(

[ollies-moving-castle]

Did a bad thing

fuck

[kimmkitsuragi]

re: last post... i just remembered how fucked up it makes me feel to hear Rich and careless people's thoughts about all this. one girl told me the other day "well... if it all goes to shit, i can just go to france. i have dual citizenship" and what am i supposed to say to that lol. well i cant. what will happen to me and all the other people who will simply have to live with All This if it all goes to shit indeed