#and i then see how much that contributes to their irl misery

[niishi]

If u have bad mental health and you're misery obsessed, literally just stop feeding yourself poison all the time. Your mental health will improve. If you're only primarily consuming extremely angsty fiction, stuff with mentally unwell conflicts, abusive relationships, etc, you're only keeping your own mental status locked in a box of this one thing. If you're miserable irl, and obsessed with fiction centered around misery, it 1000000% IS making it so your mental health will never improve. When you see healthy relationships in fiction? Learn how to appreciate them and idolize them, and dissect them and understand them, instead of turning towards fiction that depicts this healthy relationship as abusive and toxic. You have to start somewhere with yourself. This is an easy way to help improve your overall mental health and worldly outlook.

[catboybiologist]

1 month HRT update and journal thingy!

So as I said in my pinned post, I'm gonna be doing a monthly kind of progress check on HRT. Well, it's been 32 days, so here it is! Here's some measurements of interest:

But, I found that the raw measurements, and a single "other column" wasn't sufficient to really catalogue my experience. So I wrote a long, probably overly detailed account of some of the things I've experienced in the past month.

And holy shit, what a month it's been.

So first off, lets start with what’s not happening. Some good, some bad. I think I missed the skin softness gene or something. I’ve really noticed no change in skin texture, and that’s often cited as the first noticeable physical change from HRT. My skin was somewhat soft before, but nothing like the transfemmes I know irl, so this was a bit disappointing. But in all honesty, it’s not that big of a deal.

The other thing that I haven’t noticed yet is a reduced aerobic capacity or physical ability. I’m sure this will come in time, but the interesting thing here is that one of my main physical activities, freediving, is actually a far more direct measurement of aerobic capacity than most others. I can’t do this in nearly a consistent enough way to actually log it, but my casual breath hold times in the couple of times I’ve been freediving since starting HRT haven’t changed. On a fairly standard dive, I usually stay down 60-70 seconds, and that’s still true. With good prep and good air conservation on the bottom (I like to hold onto rocks and kelp, and stay motionless while looking around lol), I can get 90 seconds or beyond (I don’t like pushing it). Part of the problem is that so much of this is variable, and is highly dependent on how good my equipment prep is that day (insulation and weighting), water conditions (cold and rough=more energy=shorter dives), and my boy physiology (how much I’ve eaten, caffeine intake, etc). But in general, I haven’t noticed major physical fitness changes yet. 

Weight gain has been intermittent. I’ve always been a bit swingy on my weight, and can easily go +/- 5lbs in no time at all. At one point, I was 4lbs over my pre-HRT weight (3 week interval), but now I’m down to 1 pound over. My waist is slightly thinner than it was pre-HRT, but that seems to be normal fluctuation. Where did the extra 1-3lbs go? We’ll get to that, LOL.

My waist measurement hasn’t changed, but anecdotally, I do think there’s changes going on there. The 43 inches measurement is still at my widest point, around my thighs (which have always been pretty good). Now, however, I’m noticing what seems to be some growth on areas that aren’t covered by the exact circle I’m using to measure that. My butt seems slightly bigger, although I could just be lying to myself. Time will tell.

Onto the stuff that has changed!

Mood. Oh my god mood. My resting state is no longer a crackling misery. I don’t think I was ever suicidal because of dysphoria alone, but I was certainly pushed to that point far, far easier when it was a contributing factor. I also just… didn’t enjoy anything about my body. When I was happy, it was a distraction. Now, it’s already much better. I still don’t like my body. I got a long way to go. But, I’m seeing progress, and it’s been incredible.

Emotions overall have been more intense. I’ve had a couple of downswings, and I get misty eyed easier. I haven’t had a proper cry yet, though. I get excited about things again, which was a COMPLETELY dead feeling. And I have also gotten angry at some things, which is also something I killed as a teenager because I was scared of where it took me. It hasn’t been as uncontrollable as I expected, however, and the negative emotions I’m experiencing more viscerally have been immensely cathartic. 

            And then, there's the big one. Hopefully that's literal. And that's breast growth. Almost immediately I noticed some kind of perking up, but no breast bud formation and no immediate growth. At about week 2, I was able to feel the distinct disks of breasts buds under my nipples, and my bust size started increasing. Now, at 4.5 weeks in, my bust size is 1.5 inches larger than it was pre-HRT.

           This is ludicrously fast. As in, so fast it has me questioning if I'm actually intersex or something. I think my E levels will be enlightening.

I really, REALLY don’t want to get too hopeful. But overall, if some of these trends continue… I’m gonna get a LOT curvier. Honestly, my ideal body would be pretty tight and trim… but I’m fucking estatic anyways. I’m just really, really hoping that the breast growth trend continues, and also that the tiny observations I’ve made about a bigger butt and thinner waist are actually real. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to boymode like this LMAO.

There’s also the opposite fear: if my estrogen levels are too high, it could signal the end of “puberty” too early. It’s looking like a possibility, but I gotta wait until next week for my levels check.

There’s one final set of observations I wanna put here, but y’all gotta not be weird about it LOL. I WILL block you and erase this part if you treat this as anything more than impartial observations about myself. Got it? Good. NSFW warning for the next bit.

I want to make some remarks on libido and erogenous sensitivity in general, because that has also been one of the most notable changes.

First off, I heard so many stories about HRT killing libido. Holy fuck, this has not been true for me. I’m going crazy sometimes LOL. I absolutely have a somewhat higher libido on average, but its already changed the way its expressed itself.

First off, my entire body is more sensitive to erogenous soft touch. The right kind of touch and care on my waist will feel very similar to more traditional erogenous zones. I’ve NEVER had this before, and was completely blindsided by it. I’m absolutely fascinated by what neural change caused that, but its really cool even if I don’t know the underlying explanation.

Second off, my libido spikes and hot flashes sometimes. I think this is pretty typical of anyone going under a hormonal change, and tbh I’m not surprised.

Third off is the weirdest one, and something that I’ve asked other transfemmes about, and none have been able to answer. My chest sensitivity seems to be going through very distinct mini-cycles, on the approximate span of time being one full “cycle” per week. Essentially, when I started HRT, my chest first got very sore, itchy, and sensitive to sources of pain and itchiness. It stayed like that for a few days, and then all sensitivity to the area cut out. My nipples pre-HRT were always more sensitive than other cis men, and in this phase, they were actually less sensitive than they were pre HRT. This lasted another couple of days… and then there was a period of massively increased erogenous sensitivity. Soft touches made me wild, and I started wearing  bra not for the support, but to block my shirt from rubbing against them and distracting me. Holy FUCK, this phase is insane. And then after that, they went back to sore again, and then dead again, and then erogenous again. Right now, I’m in the erogenous “phase” of what I think is the fourth cycle here since I started HRT. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. It’s not the period that some trans women report getting, its not a monthly thing. It might just be my body adjusting strangely to new hormones in general, but yeah. Its weird, bc it seems like a pretty unique thing. 

So yeah. That’s a journal thing. I had a LOT more thoughts about HRT starting beyond just the initial measurements, because so much hit me way faster than I thought it would, so I wanted to write something long form. I think I’m going to write something similar each month along with my measurements update, but I expect future writing to be much, much shorter. It’s been incredible so far, but I’m guessing less will be novel- I think things will only be different when I change aspects of my HRT regimen. We’ll see.

[takanova12]

One of the hallmarks of the aot fandom is massive panic everytime leaks drop and mostly the release of full chapter ends up pleasing if not all majority of the readers. Yet, we still don't learn and negatively react everytime even with the understanding that we are missing context for the leaked panels/dialogues. So amid all of this, here I am just trying to share my positive and hopeful interpretation of leaks, which mostly concern mikasa.

I wholeheartedly love eremika. They will forever remain my comfort ship. The leaks haven't changed anything. If anything, they just reinforced the idea that mikasa loved eren till her last breath. I admit that I loved the ambiguity of last panel of chapter 139; does mikasa live by herself till she dies? Or does she find love again and end up being surrounded by people who cherish her and will be there for her until the end?

I am happy that she found happiness in life. I saw people criticizing her choice of finding love again and how they were wrong about her making a selfless decision and living with pride etc. I personally don't see how her having a family cancels out what she did? She did give up the most precious person to her in the entire damn world to save the damn world. To people who wanted her to be a stronK woman who needs no man to live a empowering life, well she was that in the entire series. It was eren who needed her to save his ass 24/7, it was her and not a man who contributed most significantly to saving the alliance and we all know it was her who freed ymir. Not only that but one of the most popular EM moments where she gave eren emotional support (chap 50) ended up leaving such an impact on him that it helped me activate the coordinate and was also shown to be one of his most cherished memories of her. So, at the end if she wants to live a peaceful and simpler life, let her have that. Most importantly, let her have that considering she never wanted this life of a soldier. So, I am glad isayama gave her that. After all the shit she's been through she deserved some happiness, she deserved to be around her very own family. She deserved to be loved and cherished just like she loved and cherished eren. I am happy for my girl. I am happy that she had such a lasting impact on the story and on eren. I am happy that she wasn't alone her entire life. Sure, she has armin but let's admit it armin is with annie. They were not welcome on the island and even if mikasa left with them or they somehow settled back on paradise, aruannie would have their very own family. Sure, mikasa could be the stronK independent who needs no mAn and be an aunt to other kids so she won't be alone (reminds me of what eh wanted for mikasa; her to be aunt of her beloved dead eren's baby that he had with historia). Okay now being honest, I would have no problem with mikasa being single for her entire life and be some govermental figure of sorts if she was ever presented in that way. Never has ever mikasa shown any interest in politics, being some military leader or some princess to hizuru. She didn't join SC because it was her dream. She did because of eren and now that eren is gone and she served her purpose, she has no reason to become involved in nasty politics that she never wanted to be associated with. Also, she always left the strategic thinking, planning etc to armin. She has always pondered upon how many times does she have to lose her family and restart again. It always came down to home/family/love and a sense of belongingness for her. Sure eren was her home but before that her home was her parents and then carla and grisha. I am not saying that with eren gone, she has to find happiness in another man, but out of these other miserable options for her like living alone in the island, I prefer her being with loved ones. She doesn't have her dad like annie or parents like pieck with her to give her that home and sense of belongingness so I find it even more hard to swallow that some people actually wanted her to be not loved and die not having a home even after everything she has been through. Moreover, it's better for her mental health that she stays as far away from dealing with the mess eren left behind. Didn't she already do enough? She killed him and that was the most painful thing she ever had to do. So, I don't understand why people still want her to be some single stronK woman in power who dedicates her entire life to cleaning eren's mess? Hell no! No more misery for my girl! And thankfully yams agrees.

She has already had her fair share of trauma so isayama did the right thing leaving the diplomacy part to armin and others. Also, people making baseless claims that she is unhappy in her married life? Where and how? Mikasa surely wasn't ever gonna marry someone if she wasn't ready to. Did she visit the grave alone? Nope, she had her man with her, which suggests she is happy and can trust him with her feelings for eren and that he very much respects those feelings. She is not sneaking out of the house to visit her beloved's grave but she is living with pride. She is not doing anything wrong in remembering eren because irl we never forget our most beloved person even if we find love again.

On the topic of jeankasa, Idc whether it had 2 panels together or a 1000, it doesn't matter to me either way because aot was eremika's story ( as in I mean the story only told us about their journey of platonic to romantic feelings). Post titan world jk happened, so I find the jk don't have development and armuika makes more sense argument very out of place. First of all jk do have some development, where they end up trusting each other. Mikasa initially didn't like jean always fighting and criticizing eren and just didn't care about him. Later just like she forged close platnoic bonds with rest of 104th, she did so with jean too and most of it happened off screen because it was not needed for the story. I mean we found out sasha and mikasa were bunkmates not through the story but the guidebook. And this is in line with the fact that mikasa is not a very vocal person to begun with, she mostly speaks through her actions and that is why we hardly ever see her screaming how she is gonna help rid the world of titans or how she saved gabi because she is a child just like them caught up in war. About armuika it is a 100% platonic bond. With jeankasa, only mikasa considered jean as just a friend while jean since day 1 has been romantically attracted to mikasa so much so that he jumped right at a titan for the first time in his life when he saw mikasa in danger, before that his legs would shiver at the thought of fighting titans. So, it makes sense if it was him who ended up marrying her because he was in love with her the entire time and respected her feelings. The execution could have been better but I don't have any qualms with it because it doesn't make me ship eremika any less and overall knowing that mikasa was with someone who had always secretly loved and admired her for a long time just she did with eren makes me believe they both have a solid mutual understanding and good relationship.

Lastly, the takes on her still wearing the scarf is disrespectful to her husband is another thing I don't agree with. The scarf is not a romantic gift given to her by lover. The scarf is what saved her as a little girl. The scarf is what made mikasa understand the dichomoty of life at such a young age. The scarf is what allowed mikasa to realize that the world is not just cruel. It is what saved her and helped her save the world. It is a life-changing and beautiful treasure for her that sheltered her from turning into a cold-hearted revenge seeking psychopath. So, I find it satisfying to know that she is capable of embracing that part of her life and being anle to move ahead in life with her head held high.

On a side note I wanted to wait until the official release but I saw some mikasa slander and just couldn't wait any longer. I do think I am immune to mikasa slander now because I got everything I wanted for her character ( of course I would have loved for her to be with eren but I knew after liberio raid that they were never going to have a happy ending) but still sometimes I like to share my thoughts because I think it helps some people who are at times enjoying the content but the fandom discourse and constant negative interpretation of said events makes them hesistant to admit/enjoy it.

I am content knowing that my comfort character found some comfort in her life at the end :')

[lordxgrinnyxboy]

rewatching tgm for the umpteenth time: wifi's not working edition 1/?

ngl i've Never, In My LIFE, done any singing or acting outside of puppet shows when i was in like the 3rd grade but every time i watch TGM i'm more and more like "GOD i wanna be cast as Barkilphedro" and i don't even know why? like why would i want to be the greasy clown nasty? He has No Rights? I Don't Like Him Or Sympathize With Him At All? And Yet???? It must be a calling.

there's like. two barrels on the stage.

uggggggh i love Ensemble!Maskell and Ensemble!Obianyo they're both so pretty

FEEL SO LOW YOUR PULSE NEEDS CHECKING

ngl Barkilphedro has No Rights and he gets No Sympathy from me but i do feel sorry for him when he talks about his mother. also sucks for him that he wasted so much time hoping his loyalty to Clarence would pay off, only to get nothing but mockery in return. also also as 'comical' as the Erotic Breakfast Dance scene is played it's still...really gross and Not Okay. This dude's 100% culpable for his actions and he made his own choices and is absolutely slimy but it's like those bits in LotR when they talk about Bilbo pitying Gollum. idk i just kinda hate that ol' Barky let himself be twisted into such a wretched creature. He crossed the No Rights line the night he decided to carve up a kid's face tho and just kept right on going.

ensemble!maskell is so cute send help

it's the eye makeup and the lighting it's just. a really good look

ms. obianyo pls

just noticed Bark's little pose on "obsessed with the pursuit of beauty"

okay so i've seen some comments around about Clarence's "How do you keep your pecker up" remark and just thought i'd- dude's fingernails. wow they're so shiny. ahem -mention here that i've looked into this expression before and it's actually a term that i guess is mainly used in England or something and it's like nose = beak = 'pecker' as in birds which ‘peck’ things with their beaks. It's basically the same as "keep your chin up". Snufkin says it to Moomin. I mean with Clarence i wouldn't put it past him to mean it another way but also given where the show is set it makes sense he would use such a term.

ngl i want to Know about Angelica tho like. why is she Brutalized. why did Clarence send her awaey. i actually want to know about the whole family. I feel like it's a three separate moms situation but even if it's only two separate moms Where Are The Moms. did Clarence send Them awaey too? Did one or more of them Die? Were they Killed? oh god what if it's like in Light Princess and he actually Had (one of/)Them Executed. I think it's interesting that Clarence Lorded Dirry-Moir. we don't get to know about how he treated Josiana, but none of his kids even turn up to his funeral and the only one who talks about him at all only does so to denounce him.

also thinking about the differences yet similarities between the Green Box Family and the Royal Family but i can't articulate worth anything rn so i'll just *pins for later*

love Ensemble!Brisson

also ngl even if the whole Royal Introduction/Lords on Palace Hill bit isn't 100% literal it still paints a pretty clear picture of the kind of toxic and vapid society that's encouraged under Clarence's reign.

does 'bonnie prince' mean anything specific or

ugh i love Osric

wait i just noticed the stripies on dirry--moir's shirt. nice. i'd wear that.

not as much as i'd wear the heck out of Osric's coat though. actually his whole outfit. add Osric/Lord Trelaw to Roles I Wanna Be Cast For In The Timeline Where I Sing And Act

the face Dirry-Moir makes while Osric's getting started introducing the fair tho. he looks like a kid trying to fit in with a cool new friend group.

the way Mr Maskell sings "we have a huge collection of the crippled and the dabbed" tho it sounds like he's got a cold

i'm gonna need somebody to meet me irl just to do that lil dance that Dirry-Moir and Osric do after "If you've got the money/I've got the misery" it looks fun!

au where Mr. Maskell stays on stage through the end of Laughter is the Beast Medicine. i need to See him do the choreo for this part.

had a real cursed idea right here but no it's Too cursed

the look on Osric's face when Bark grabs his bad arm tho

this whole "imagine laughing without any cruelty at all" is such a weird bit tbh

have i already said that i love the whole look of the "the poor soul who stands before you" part like idk if it's the pose or what but Gwyn Looks Really Good In This Scene

okay but the way puppet!Gwyn holds out his hand toward his mom and then she goes to- hangon i can’t describe lemme see if separate post separate post

okay

ngl im real curious as to whether this bit on the pirate ship (idk why i’ve always defaulted to ‘pirates’ for these cats) actually happened or if Ursus fully made it up like we really Don’t get to Know how much of this has any basis in what really happened that night do we u-u

kay but the fact that Dea’s mom’s lying there with her eyes open and the way they emphasize her frozen-ness by having her arm stay up like. wow.

wait a minute is that Born Broken playing for lil baby Dea? i think it is.

yeah sing it hazlit

interesting how Ursus has little!Gwyn sing “they put blood in my nightmares” but also vow to find the man who cut him. which i mean singular ‘they’ is obviously a thing but as i doubt the intention was for Gwyn to have decided that whoever cut him must be a they/them man i just think it’s interesting that even the wording in the puppet show points to the fact that there was Someone Else There, even if it does then swerve back to a single perpetrator. But also it’s still accurate because while it was only one man who cut Gwyn’s face, it was both Barkilphedro and Ursus who contributed to putting blood in his nightmares.

honest question why is Mr. Maskell’s voice Like That like who gave him the right

love how puppet!Gwyn and puppeteer!Gwyn and later real!Gwyn all do that same little motion with their head on the word “disgrace”

OH HEY we’re at the part where Lon Don picks up NICE

add Mojo Puppeteer to my list of dream roles

wait ohmygod there’s this thing kind of hanging off the cart and i was squinting at it like “what is that” and then the cart turned around and i realize that’s the body that goes to the head-on-a-shelf ursus what the hell

wait so Dirry-Moir genuinely thinks Dea went blind from looking at Gwyn’s face but he also wants to see it? although granted Ursus said she went blind from “gazing too long” so maybe Dirry-Moir assumes he’ll be safe if it’s only a quick look. still. Concept: Post-Show Dirry-Moir having this tendency to Not Look At Gwyn very much until eventually either he explains why and somebody has to Tell Him, or maybe at some point he’s like “wait a minute. that was made up wasn’t it” and everyone has a bit of a laff

ngl i love the inside of the cart and how there’s like four, maybe five puppets, counting Beauty and Beast, and also some of the shadow puppets...all kinds of vials and bottles and what looks like painting supplies...what looks suspiciously like crimson lethe on the stove...looks like some cabinets and extra storage up very top. im curious about the layout since we only get to see one part of the cart at a time.

wait why’s the song called stars in the sky when does he say th- why isn’t it called “New World” or “dreams” or something why stars in the sky he doesn’t even say- does he say it in the reprise???  *skips ahead* NO?

does the Disney Chorus Say It??

THEY DON’T

WHY IS THE SONG CALLED STARS IN THE SKY? WHY HAVE I BEEN UNQUESTIONINGLY CALLING IT STARS IN THE- WHEN ARE STARS MENTIONED??

IS THE TITLE A REFERENCE TO THE FACT THAT URSUS IS ONE OF THE ONES WHO ASSISTED IN STRIPPING STARS FROM THE SKY? IDK BOSS IT FEELS KINDA WEAK TO ME

ugh i love ms obianyo

“to help them forget themselves” yeah that’s what you want him to do huh Ursus

“not now, Grinpayne”‘s a p curious line to include and only the fact that Gwyn’s still using his puppet!Gwyn voice while complaining is keeping me from being like “lol Gwyn’s lil rant was actually him breaking character and then Ursus just went with it like it was part of the show lol lol”

cutting here for length uwu Dea finishes the word ‘skies’ at exactly 30 minutes in which is nice bc i didn’t even have to interrupt her mid-word in order to pause for post-length.

[snarktheater]

Ready Player One — Level Three (Chapters 32-33)

After our brief foray into a heist story that tied itself up really neatly and really fast, Wade now has a bunch of stolen data and a foolproof plan to…get past IOI’s defense on Castle Anorak and get to the Third Gate.

Because, you know. Real-life mortal danger is just not interesting enough stakes for the book. We gotta go back to the video game contest. That’s what matters.

We left Wade when he was setting up a meeting with the other three main characters of this book, and he explains to them everything that happened to him since he went dark. And by “explains” I mean of course he makes himself sound much better than he was.

“How does a lowly indent get access to secret Sixer dossier files and company memos?” I turned to face her. “Indents have limited access to the company intranet via their hab-unit entertainment system, from behind the IOI firewall. From there, I was able to use a series of back doors and system exploits left by the original programmers to tunnel through the network and hack directly into the Sixers' private database.” Shoto looked at me in awe. “You did that? All by yourself?” “That is correct, sir.”

You know, all by himself, with information he bought and doing nothing but follow instructions. Same difference, I assume.

But that’s apparently enough for the others. They thank him for the warnings, although Artemis is also angry that he read her file—as she should be, since that information was really private and also it did not help one bit. Wade does not experience a shred of regret, though.

So, what is the plan, you ask? Well, keep asking, because instead of telling them, Wade just moves on to taking it for granted that they will make it past the Sixers and straight to how to open the Third Gate. By which I mean the gate is inscribed with a reference to Schoolhouse Rock! that the Sixers missed and our protagonist immediately catch because they’re oh-so-awesome. Since “showing the puzzle and immediately giving the solution” has been the book’s modus operandi from the start…I guess at least this time it didn’t rely on a random epiphany and the characters really showed off that they knew their stuff.

I will draw attention to this, from Wade’s recap of what IOI has tried:

“They try every asinine thing you can imagine,” I said. […] “Then they get hung up on reciting First Corinthians 13:13, a Bible verse that contains the words ‘charity, hope, and faith.’ Apparently, ‘charity, hope, and faith’ are also the names of three martyred Catholic saints. The Sixers have been trying to attach some significance to that for the past few days.” “Morons,” Aech said. “Halliday was an atheist.”

Which is kind of baffling to me. I mean…what, atheists can’t use religious symbology ever? Especially Christian symbolism, like…Halliday was probably bathed in it his whole life.

With that said…this mostly makes IOI look like idiots. Which I think is the point?

“Dilettantes,” Art3mis said. “It’s their own fault for not knowing all the Schoolhouse Rock! lyrics by heart.”

Sadly, it also makes them very ineffectual as villains. Do you realize how simple it’d be to do a word search across all the lyrics, books and scripts for things featured in the Almanac? At least for a company with the means that IOI has at its disposal?

Well anyway. The song reveals that there needs to be three people to open the Third Gate, which had already been hinted at by the clue Wade found while searching for the key. This also means that, once they open the gate, they’ll have to race to get to the egg first. Because I’m so stressed about which of these assholes win the egg. I mean we don’t even know Aech and Shoto’s goals and I still don’t want them to win.

Of course, there is one missing step in this plan. Wade obviously figured out a way to disable the Sixers' shield during his time at IOI, and they now know how to open the Third Gate, but they still have to actually get from point A to point B through the Sixer forces. What’s Wade’s solution for that? Just contact every gunter in the OASIS and ask them to play meat shield.

“And you really think everyone will just show up and help us fight the Sixers?” [Artemis] said. “Just for the hell of it?” “Yes,” I said. “I do.” Aech nodded. “He’s right. No one wants the Sixers to win the contest. And they definitely don’t want IOI to take control of the OASIS.”

“No one”? Really? I find that dubious. Or rather, I find it dubious that they’d willingly kill their OASIS character on the off-chance it might make the Sixers lose…but make these complete strangers win instead. Complete strangers who, in the case of Artemis and Wade at least, decided to use their new position of fame and fortune by…remaining anonymous, making no actual stand against the Sixers, and holing themselves up in a stronghold and refusing to even talk to people.

But of course, we’re just supposed to accept that the people will like them more, for…some reason. And really, wouldn’t it be great if, say, Aech was actually Sorrento playing both sides? (He’s not. But it’d be a hell of a twist compared to what the twist around Aech’s identity actually is.)

This plan also means IOI will know exactly when they’ll strike, which will put them on high alert. And they need three people with the Crystal Key to make it through, lest you forgot.

“So we should all try extremely hard not to get killed.”

A master strategist you are not, Wade Watts. As usual, the only character with a shred of humanity is Artemis.

“So I hope you’re right about being able to shut [the shield] down.” “Don’t worry.” “Why would I be worried?” Art3mis snapped. “Maybe you’ve forgotten, but I’m homeless and on the run for my life right now!”

Artemis, you can’t show genuine emotion in this book! That’ll just make Wade look even more like he’s not human!

Speaking of Artemis being currently homeless, this is true of three of them (her, Shoto and Wade), which might be kind of a problem to participate in a large-scale assault on an in-game stronghold, followed by who knows what kind of challenge the Third Gate itself will be. Well, don’t worry, we’ve got a near-literal Deus Ex Machine to solve that problem!

Yeah, remember how, early in the book, Wade noticed someone knocking stuff in the Basement and wondering if it was an invisible player? Well, that’s what it was. Specifically it’s Ogden Morrow, who, along with Halliday, has literal god mode turned on in the OASIS.

“In addition to being immortal and invincible, our avatars could go pretty much anywhere and do pretty much anything.”

He’s been spying on them all this time, and he makes himself visible now to offer a hand. Turns out, he and Halliday reconnected shortly before his death, and Halliday asked him to watch over the contest and maintain its integrity. Apparently, everything IOI has done (blocking off multiple critical areas, for instance) did not violate said integrity? But now, he’s offering to get private jets for all four mains to his private home, where they’ll be able to log into the OASIS safely and, you know, be safe from IOI trying to kill them IRL. When I told you the book wasn’t interested in the real-world threat, I wasn’t joking. It just removed what should be the actual conflict in favor of the in-game contest.

No one is even a little suspicious of that, by the way. At all. They just take Morrow’s offer at face value and accept it, with Aech having to pick up Wade and get him to the airport, since even Morrow can’t track Aech down. The fact that the possibility isn’t even brought up, after everything these characters have gone through (and their initial distrust of each other) really bothers me, because I have half-expected Morrow to turn out to be the true villain after all since we first saw him in the book, but…no, he’s fine.

And this is where I pause the review to go back to my earliest posts, and how this book doesn’t care or think critically about the dystopia it created. Because Morrow…you know, isn’t much better than IOI, ultimately. They’re all beneficiaries of capitalism; in other words, their massive wealth depends on the existence of the widespread poverty that Wade has observed and experienced. But Morrow is a cool nerd, and he’s done some cool things like educational games, so he gets a pass, I guess?

Yeah. No. Remember how Artemis wants to solve world hunger if she wins the contest? Morrow could do that right now. Or he could at the very least heavily contribute to that. That he hasn’t should make him a natural villain for the story, or at the very least a morally grey figure—the heroes need his help, but don’t appreciate him. But the book doesn’t care about its setting; it’s a dystopia because dystopias are cool, I guess, not because it’s trying to make a point about them. The book’s real interest is the OASIS, and the real world could just as easily be a utopia and it would change very little.

Except…actually, it does change one thing, by implication. See, if the book doesn’t want to be a dystopia, and only cares about the OASIS, then that means the dystopia probably exists to justify that the OASIS exists and is as popular as it is. In other words: the book itself doesn’t believe that anyone could be this involved in a video game, or fandom, unless they were driven to it by desperation and misery. This one thing means the book has a lower opinion of geek culture than…well, myself, at the very least. I’d even argue it’s lower than the mainstream opinion of geek culture at the moment, considering in the 2010s, culture has been dominated by things like Comic-Con and superhero movie. For a book that’s hailed as being for geek culture, is pretty odd that it can’t seem to imagine that people like things without needing a justification.

And if you think I’m pulling this reading straight out of my ass: it would not invalidate it if I did, because that’s how art criticism works, but in this case, it’s also absolutely in the text and we’ll get back to that in the final post of this review. Stay tuned for that exciting conclusion!

Back to the plot. Wade sends out his message to all gunters, and posts it on “every gunter message board”, because that’s how fandom works, I guess. Word spreads, and the media starts reporting on that and Wade’s allegations towards IOI, and Wade feels petty satisfaction.

By now, Sorrento would know I’d somehow gained access to the Sixers' private database. I wished I could see his face when he learned how I’d done it—that I’d spent an entire week just a few floors below his office.

You know what would be a great twist? If they traced the security footage and the digital footprint that Wade must have left to figure out what his plan is and counter it. But that would mean Wade failed at something due to his own hubris, and that would mean he faces consequences for his flaws, so let’s not even pretend it’s a possibility and just skip to when Aech arrives to pick him up instead.

A heavyset African American girl sat in the RV’s driver seat, clutching the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead. She was about my age, with short, kinky hair and chocolate-colored skin that appeared iridescent in the soft glow of the dashboard indicators.

Well that’s not a problematic description at all. I mean, that’s multiple descriptors with racist connotations. Oh, and don’t forget that Wade and Cline both claim to like bigger girls, yet Aech gets described as “heavyset”. I guess only white girls get to be “Rubenesque”. [Disclaimer: I personally find both to be pretty insulting, but the difference is definitely there.]

He recognizes that this is actually Aech because she smiles like her avatar does. And then, miracle of all miracles, Wade feels an emotion. Namely, betrayal. He gets over it quickly though, because emotions are icky.

Whatever anger or betrayal I felt quickly evaporated. I couldn’t help myself. I started to laugh. There was no meanness in it, and I knew she could tell that, because her shoulders relaxed a bit and she let out a relieved sigh.

So Wade is totally a-okay with Aech being actually a black girl. How progressive of him, I guess. Aech insists on explaining to him why her character is male, because that’s another thing the book believes warrants explaining. As someone who played female characters in online games for at least half of my gaming life, I find that half amusing and half insulting, but let’s be honest, in this case, it’s just that the author thought of this character’s backstory and wanted to infodump all over us, and couldn’t think of a more natural way to do so.

So Aech, real name Helen Harris, was raised by a single mother too. Her mom realized that sexism is a thing, but since most things are done through the OASIS, she could escape it by using a white male avatar, and she taught her daughter to do the same. Also, Helen/Aech is a lesbian, which is completely irrelevant, except that her mom kicked her out as a result and that’s why she now lives in an RV and always stays on the move.

Aside from the confirmation that homophobia is alive and well in the future (beyond the casual brand displayed throughout the book up to this point, which I could have chalked up as the author’s unconscious biases), I will note that Aech’s most remarkable trait—how she avoided discovery by literally everyone, including IOI and Morrow—is a result of homophobic abuse. So I guess she should be thankful for her mom kicking her out, lest she would have been killed by IOI? That’s a good unintentional message right there, book.

As we continued to talk, going through the motions of getting to know each other, I realized that we already did know each other, as well as any two people could. We’d known each other for years, in the most intimate way possible. […] None of that had changed, or could be changed by anything as inconsequential as her gender, or skin color, or sexual orientation.

This is the straightest thing Wade or the author could conclude from this. Look, let me be clear: if a person is closeted to you, you are not intimate with them. You are not close friends. Because if you were, they would trust you enough to come out to you. If they don’t trust you enough to come out, either you’re just not that close, or they actually suspect that your reaction would be bigoted and potentially dangerous, in which case you are absolutely not their friend (or a good person). It is literally that simple.

Yes, I know what the book’s message actually is here. We’re all just human, and these things shouldn’t be obstacles to relating to one another and being friends. The problem is it’s phrase as “these things shouldn’t matter”, which isn’t the same as “these things shouldn’t be obstacles”. Because they do matter. They would matter no matter how the world is, but especially in a sexist, racist, homophobic world, they matter. This is why saying you’re “colorblind” or “don’t see race”, or that people’s sexuality “doesn’t matter to you”, is not actually comforting. Identity, believe it or not, is a part of who the person is; if it doesn’t matter to you, and only, say, their interests do, then you’re not really friends with the person as a whole.

I’m just getting all the rants today, aren’t I?

Well, to be fair, the actual plot is pretty sparse. I mean, nothing happens on the road to the airport, or on the flight to Ogden Morrow’s home (whom the book now calls “Og”, because it’s the name of his avatar and I guess real names aren’t for cool people). Said home is shaped like Rivendell from the Lord of the Rings movies—is that interesting? No, no it’s not. Is it interesting that Artemis and Shoto are already here, but decided not to meet in person until after the contest is over, because why would we want an opportunity for character development? Well, I guess it’s interesting, but only in that it’s bad.

So let’s just move on to Wade getting into his immersion rig, and asking Morrow a fairly random question before he logs back into the OASIS.

“I wanted to ask what it was that ended your friendship with Halliday. […] What happened?”

Well, turns out Halliday was in love with Kira too. I know, shocking, he was in love with the one girl in his nerd group. Although, considering we’ve been told he’d only talk to her in-character as their D&D avatars, I think he was more in love with the idea of her than the real person. But hey, this book is literally making the argument that your in-game avatar is realer than the real you. I mean, Wade reverts to calling Helen “Aech” and referring to her as a man for the rest of the book after this one scene where they meet in person. I shit you not.

Literally nothing prompted this question, by the way. Wade just asked out of the blue. So you can already guess that the information is going to come up soon. Or you can just take my word for it that it will.

“Good luck, Parzival. You’re going to need it.” “What are you going to do?” I asked. “During the fight?” “Sit back and watch, of course!” [Morrow] said. “This looks to be the most epic battle in videogame history.”

Aren’t you gonna…you know, help? Why even introduce a character with godlike powers if he’s going to do nothing with them?

And with that, Wade logs into the OASIS to start the climax, and we get a dramatic chapter break. Because I’m so very scared that Wade might not win the contest. Yeah. Totally.

[flatstarcarcosa]

just realized that while most of my ships deal with codependency that is actually not present with reesebane. 

i decided my timeline for me and eddie is vastly different from usual, and operates on the idea that when i was 18 i went through with jumping ship. i took my broken truck and my sick ass and left sc and hopped right across to nc where i had a friend at the time, like i’d planned irl. 

so im thinking from there i spent about three years in abject misery. was probably homeless and sleeping out of the truck for a while, getting sicker and sicker and sicker and frequently dropping off the map due to no cell/internet service. 

i was constantly on the move, anywhere i could get shelter for a night, or hopefully more. 

im almost 22 when i end up in steelport chasing some jobs. they have little in the way of shelters so im thinking the first couple months i actually worked for eddie at the 3 count i was still sleeping in the truck. 

and he doesn’t find out until way later, since i end up working there for about 18 months before the night we officially “meet” (remember he interviewed me but we had little interaction outside of that) how much he indirectly helped me get on my feet. 

i like the idea that the 3 count is actually a really good gig. he pays basic staff a starting wage of 13/hr, and bartenders are 15 + whatever we get in tips. one of the things that contributes to him hiring me despite not having specifically bar experience is that im only interested in night shifts, and i’ll happily work every weekend and holiday if i have too. 

it’s not easy work, the 3 count is ALWAYS busy, and it’s chaos. it’s worse on holidays, or when there’s big wrestling events, which he has once a month on average. 

but i’m good at it. i work extremely well in fast paced chaotic environments, and even though he don’t have personal interactions, he definitely takes notice of that. i end up being one of the best employees he’s ever had, and he notices the general morale improves the longer i’m around because i’m very nice to my coworkers unless they give me a reason not to be. 

he has a strict dress code for uniforms, but he pays for the first two sets for you. the 3 count also has an employee locker room with showers, and thats one of those little things that he does because he has a case of “been there, didn’t like it”. 

he’s worked venues with no locker room and no shower, and no a/c, and burning fucking lights and he knows how miserable it is to end done working and be hot and sweaty and not even be able to rinse off. 

so he has showers for us, and he keeps the casino at 69-71 degrees, and he doesn’t care that i’m never out of my sunglasses. 

and while living out of my truck, being able to shower before and after work AT work is a huge fucking help. and the money i make is enough that i’m able to land an apartment within a couple of months, and the fact that i work at the 3 count makes me a desirable renter because people know the reputation of the casino. 

and he finds this out one night when he’s at my place, and we’ve been dating for about a year, and i startle the fuck out of him because there’s a massive spider in my kitchen. after he kills it he comments he doesn’t know why the fuck i don’t just cut my lease on “this shit hole” and move in with him. 

and i’m like well, i know it’s a far cry from your penthouse but. 

it’s the first stable roof i’ve ever had. i know every month my rent is paid and my water will stay on and my electric will stay on and my cellphone will be paid and my internet will be paid. 

i have enough left over for food and gas and car insurance, and since employees have our own tabs on the house for booze (to a limit anyway), i have bonus money since i rarely have to buy my own booze any more. 

and at first he misses what i mean, because all he sees are the cracks in the walls and the shitty tile in the kitchen and the toilet that won’t stop running, and it reminds him of where he’s come from, 

but for me i just see where i’ve gotten to. 

so i’m hesitant to leave it. for so long everything was so unknown, and i’ve had stability for almost two years at that point. 

and i am not in any way dependant on anyone but myself to keep that stability going. 

which brings me back around to how there’s no codependency in this relationship. it’s actually detrimental to a point because it’s like...the fuck is the opposite of dependency? turbo independence? 

i’ve built so many walls and barriers that i refuse to let myself trust or enjoy anything or anyone because i’m waiting for it to get snatched from me. whereas by this point, he’s fully trusting of me. we’re at the point where if it’s just us, he’s frequently without his mask, and that’s a huge thing. 

so from his perspective, he’s laid it all out on the table, and he doesn’t understand why that’s not enough for me, but a shitty one bedroom apartment above a liquor store is. 

and it’s not that it’s not enough, 

it’s that it’s too much. and i don’t know what to do with that, so i pretend not to see it. 

[treason-and-plot]

REPLIES TO MIA LOSING IT

@breadpanzombiebum

tbh this is literally what i dream of doing re: my upstairs neighbours

That’s hideous! Poor you!

@lilyshadowwriter

MIASMIC POOL OF PERSPIRATION, FATIGUE, AND LONELINESS. I'M LIVING FOR THESE WELL-WRITTEN DESCRIPTIONS. ALSO TOTALLY DON'T BLAME HER FOR SNAPPING. ALTHOUGH I'D HAVE PROBABLY JUST POUNDED ON THE DOOR. THIS WORKS TOO. JUST SLIGHTLY MORE TRAUMATIC. YA KNOW.

Thank you for the compliment! ♥ ♥ ♥ and yeah hehehe although their own pounding may have drowned out any other pounding but yeah...def better ways in which she could have handled it! 

@wannabecatwriter

Didn't she do the same when she brought all her boyfriends over? Pot calling kettle black.

Yep. lots of times! And recently on the living room floor during the day when Jackie could easily have walked in and caught her in flagrante delicto! Mia has never cared about being caught nude or rutting in public. But of course her anger at Jackie was more to do with Jackie being in a couple than the loudness of the sex act itself.   

@sweetnovember77

Bahahahahahaha 😂 Mia, girl, u done fucked up now. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I can't back you up this time.

@simmerjazen

Time for her to move out! That was rude as hell. Jackie had to put up with you bringing whoever home all the damn time and you just bust in on her like that. Nope. Time to go.

@winifredwoogie

Wow...that was super rude.  Maybe she could of just left instead of wallowing in misery in her friend's home and yelling at her when I'm certain she herself has done far worse.

@pixelcurious

Haven't we all had that roommate? I know I have. I'm reliving vicariously through Mia.

@storybooksimblr

The absolute top-notch prose is a pure delight to read.

Thank you!!!

@simsandstars

Dude, I love Mia and all, but I'd kick her out right here and now for that. If she wants to do that then she owes me at least 5 years rent

@karnzter

Oh shit. You done did it, Mia. Hope you packed.

@nernershuman

Yeah, I get her frustration, but just bang on the wall or door. That just made her look unhinged.

@holleyberry

It's off to mommy's house for you now Mia. If Jackie let's this slid there's no hope for you.

@simblu

Isn't she the one living in the friend's home? Take a walk, get some earplugs.. you've no right to tell your host about this kinda stuff. She should be booted out for this drama -queen crap.

@inda-sims

That would piss me off too!  :@

@lilsisterg

Clearly Mia has lost her mind and is having a nervous break down!

@mysimsloveaffair

Damn...Mia has officially lost it!

@gaiahypothesims

Oh Mia..... jealousy does not become her.

@goatkibble

It is a bit hasty to just kick her out though? Mia has never behaved like this before, so it's not an ongoing problem? Yes, Jackie would be angry but would she just be done with her best friend because of one really uncharacteristic outburst? I would be worried myself. And annoyed. But also worried.

Yes...I don’t believe Jackie would have kicked her out. Not for that, anyway. They have been friends for too long, and Jackie is very tolerant of Mia and has a very patient and forgiving nature...we have never yet seen her get truly angry about anything. It’s not in her personality. She does get frustrated with Mia, and she has told Mia in the past to go back to her mother’s because she got sick of her slovenly ways and with her not contributing to the household expenses...but would she kick her out for one uncharacteristic outburst? No.  

@acquiresimoleons

Omg is both terrible and truly hilarious 😂😂

@kscriba

Anyone else and she would have been turned on by the noise

@declarations-of-drama

OMG SHE DIDN'T? This is really bad because we are seeing here how depression at this level takes over your moral compass. I need to repeat the words from my last reply but there's only so much sympathy I've got for her. Get a fucking GRIP MIA! /SLAP! (Sorry, she needs it)

@miraakles

Mia needs Jesus. Goddamn.... And for some reason this gave me thoughts about a certain someone irl XDDD So as always, amazing writing<3

I can't make a heart... without tumblr denying me. But know that ended with a heart XD

AWWWW thank you Elizabeth!! I’ve missed you!  💗 💗 💗 💗 💗 💗 💗

[tangonmarga]

thoughts

uhhh hi i haven’t written on here since last year but i’m back.

the dude i referred to in my previous posts broke my heart. i’m okay now though, no more anger, sadness, or nostalgia.

that’s not what i’m about to talk about now though. i was watching 2019 BTS Festa video, the Bangtan Attic one. I remember watching it when it came out and the advice they said in the video actually helped me deal with the issues that ensued after the break up. 

i was actually pretty miserable from july last year and that kind of dragged on until early april of this year. 

i’m currently self-isolating right now, i haven’t done my schoolwork or whatever. i’ve been reading a lot to keep my mind of things. when i didn’t read, i’d watch youtube videos or fangirl over BTS on social media. 

honestly, i’d love to talk about what happened the past few months, but i can say truthfully that i’ve lowkey let go of the things that made me miserable? i have moments when i just want to cry though. that’s actually really better than having to accumulate all my emotions and just going off in one setting (feb 29, payag payag. i c u). quarantine has actually given me a lot of time to just reflect on the things that happened the past few months. thinking about them now, it still makes me emotional, but not as much as it used to when i’d get into a panic attack or i start drowning in self-loathing. as i’m typing this though, i feel a little bit choked up but that’s what happens when i drink caffeine at 2 am so i can’t fully blame my emotions.

i have no one to talk to here in my dorm. i live alone for the first time in my life because of issues with roommates in the past. since moving here, it did feel a little bit lonely. i don’t have anyone to talk to since joy is also pretty busy but i don’t hold that against her because we live in different time zones now and i respect her priorities. not that i think she would never prioritize me, she’s actually one call away, i just respect her decision to become more independent in a new environment. anyway, with the things that happened in the past few months, i’ve decided to keep things to myself (not anymore though, i’ve chosen to talk about the things that bothered me to other people. shoutout to nina c). i always used twitter as an outlet because the idea of having to condense your thoughts into a tweet has always been enough. people didn’t think the same though, so i’m off of my personal twitter account and migrated back to my stan account. i think it’s better because i’m less involved in the drama that goes on with irl people. i’d say that it was a breather to just put all my energy into something else, which is fangirling. 

sometimes i slip into sadness but its rare. i know i’m probably speaking too soon but i guess i feel like i have to bring it up so i can acknowledge how its actually happening. i’m trying to get back into my hobbies and leisurely activities but that, of course, is going to be hard. 

i came back onto tumblr because my dumbass started thinking about how i know when i can finally break out from my social anxiety. before i get into that though, i think i have to talk about how i finally acknowledged how i have social anxiety.

i’ve always known i was indifferent towards people. indifferent in a way that i felt like i was always an outcast or that people didn’t want me to be part of something. then, idk i just arrived to the point that it doesn’t really matter who doesn’t want me in a certain situation because i know there are people who do want me to be part of something. thoughts like that give me hope, you know? i’ve started thinking about not looking into situations too much and constantly asking myself “does she not like me?”, “did i say something to offend her?” etc. 

the self reflection i experienced a few weeks ago did help me sort my thoughts out. i started thinking about who i was before i became miserable last year. i knew i always had a positive outlook in life, and i was quite an optimist. those were what kept me sane and it really helped with anxiety. when i came to these thoughts during self-reflection, i realized i’ve been asking myself the wrong questions. “why would it matter if the person likes me or not?”, “should i adjust my tone and my way of speaking to avoid offending others?”, etc. i think shifting into this mindset is better. as i type this out, i think to myself, “am i doing this for the sake of others?”, “am i being a people-pleaser by considering these thoughts?”. the answer is no. before i was subjected into the unbearable pain and misery a few months ago, i did have this mindset. i was always so thoughtful of others, and that itself made me happy. i knew that if i was kind to others, if i was positive around people, that would make me happy too. of course there are some setbacks into this mindset such as when people really be testing you and your patience, but that’s the thing to it- you’re supposed to be patient. thinking about these things again, it reminds me how much i changed after what happened the past few months.  back then, i wouldn’t have had to remind myself these things or submit to self-reflection because it came naturally to me. i was the one who never thought about reciprocation. i didn’t count on other people’s well-doings towards me. i never thought “i’d do this for them, why wouldn’t they do it for me too?”. i thought about this a lot and have cried over it. again, i did some self-reflection. i messaged the people i wanted to message, the people who have made me feel important and helped push me into self-reflection. i honestly feel like i lost myself these past few months and i don’t think it’s something i want. i message my friends who have listened to me ramble about the things that bothered me, my friends who checked up on me during ecq, my friend who actually bothered to reply and exhibited the same energy when i messaged her. i also apologized to one of my blockmates for my behavior the past few months, i didn’t get a reply. a tugging feeling claws inside me but for the most part, i really don’t care. 

when i realized that i have finally gained a solid grasp to who i was, who i want to be, and who i want to continue to be, i sought comfort through words. that’s when i decided to rewatch 2019 bts festa out of nowhere. 

the members actually said a lot of things that are great for the mind. i’m gonna list a few:

- i am my own hope

- it happens

- i’m happy seeing the members happy

i’m sure there were a lot of things i skipped over. they also talked about having to keep up with a persona and that honestly dug in deep too because i know i feel like i always have to act a certain way when im with different people. of course it wouldn’t be easy to shift into a more natural version of myself when im around all these kinds of people but i’ll be sure to work on it more. 

anyways, these words helped remind me of who i was and who i want to be. i want to be my own hope, because what and who else will you have to hold onto besides yourself? before talking about this, j-hope mentioned that he started embodying the BTS version of him. j-hope always said “i’m your hope” and he said that he believes there is no distinction between j-hope and jung ho seok because when he kept being hopeful as j-hope, it kind of just rubbed off on jung hoseok too. it’s like, the more hopeful you are, the firmer your grasp onto hope is. this is why i’ve decided to hold onto my own sense of hope: hoping that i do get a better future, hoping that i do grow into a better version of me. suga also discussed the phrase “it happens” and honestly i’ve been trying to live through that phrase. i remember always asking myself the past few months “why did it have to happen to me?”, “do i deserve everything im going through right now?”. when i got into self-reflection, the first statement i remembered was “it happens”, and that’s true. we have no telling of why or how things happened, but what we do know is that it did. there’s no other way we can deal with it other than having to move on and let go from what’s holding us back (e.g. me holding myself back from growing out of my developed pessimism), because again, it happens. taehyung was the one who said “i’m happy seeing the members happy” and i feel like that also contributed a lot to help me find myself again. it reminded me of who i was and how i used to be so hopeful, being an advocate for others and of course being an optimist. i’ve felt cheated by life the past few months that i grew selfish. i have every right for selfishness but there were moments when i exuded that in the wrong situations. of course, i have every right to be selfish after what my ex had done to me before, during and after our relationship. however, i shouldn’t be selfish all the time. there are times when this world requires selflessness and i really want to embody that again, because selfishness honestly isn’t cute. 

despite adopting an optimistic mindset, i think there should be an emphasis on being realistic too. i’d like to call this as optimistic realism but i honestly don’t know what im talking about hahaha. i can describe this as holding onto a more positive attitude towards things, situations, and people, but also keeping things realistic. you could treat people without having to consider the thought of them having underlying anger or hatred towards you (this is being optimistic in my opinion), but also approach them without expectations (realistic). expectations might be the biggest heartbreak of them all in my opinion, however, we really cannot blame ourselves for holding onto them. we have every right to expect from people who we really should be expecting from. (like how i expected my ex to straighten the fuck up but im a clown). the expectations im referring to though are the ones that are too much from people who can possibly be just temporary in our lives. like i’ve mentioned earlier, when you expect people to reciprocate the same energy you give them. this is an unfair expectation because not all people are like you. you know how people say we all have different love languages? i think it goes that way. i was bummed a few friends didn’t message me a happy birthday, but whenever i mentioned them in things or whenever i said something alarming on social media, they always replied or they always checked up on me. with the person i’m trying to be, i want to be able to acknowledge these things too because the small things matter. 

i think im rambling at this point, but i hope i got my thoughts across. 

i’ve actually put off from writing because i became too critical of how i wrote. right now, even though im just typing out my thoughts, i initially wanted to sort them out and organize the ideas and things i had to say. then i reminded myself that if i continue restricting myself into such trivial matters, i wouldn’t be able to grow and find out who i really am, what makes me comfortable. i find out writing without organization is freeing honestly, just like what i’m doing right now. 

i’m gonna write a new post on social anxiety in a few minutes because i have a lot to say lol. sorry if the ideas i presented in this text post are too unorganized. figure it out with reading comprehension mwa