#and if im lucky other people will see that too
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can you show us the art? if you're comfortable to, i'm sorry your friends reacted with that. Even if they're trying to help you improve from their perspective it's not something that should be done unprompted and that sucks they did that :( i'm sure your art is lovely and i hope you continue to make the art that makes you happy :)
Aw thanks. I don't really wanna show it here, just because people might recognize it and I don't want my art tied to my anonymous tumblr. It was a small animation- one of my first- and I made it without any animation software on my phone.
It was okay that they did that, just felt really bad because I worked so so hard on it and was already super frustrated from all the mistakes I fixed before even showing them :( I learned a lot about animating though so I still consider it a success.
#idk now i dont want comiments about it either#it just feels wrong#like i still value the art i made because it made me better and i at least know that i put my all into it#but sometimes it all feels so not worth it#idk im just tired#i never really thought about what i wanted out of my art#i think i just want it to inspire people#i want them to see my art and feel what i was trying to convey#but that never happens and the more i try the more isolated i feel#idk i have a lot of mixed feelings about criticism too#because obviously it can be useful. but i cant take criticism from people im close to#im aware that its a flaw but what can i do about that?? i cant just be less sensitive because#because the only reason im so sensitive is that i care so so much what these people think. i admire and respect them so deeply#and thats a direct affect of my sensitivity. i dont want to lose that.#maybe what i really want out of my art is just to make me happy. to be a part of creating something#and if im lucky other people will see that too
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Not upset at anyone bc frankly I worship work that is body inclusive but I wish there was more chubby reader content that wasn’t like, “you’re bigger than everyone you’re large you’re big and round you’re HUGE but they like it tho :)”
#like tbh I notice that but living in my body … doesn’t really feel like that all the time#it’s not so visceral … if that makes sense?#its an odd feeling nd sometimes difficult to be bigger than people but its not…. like an illness you know?#most of the time I’m just worried abt if my pants fit alright lmfao#I don’t really care what other people see#maybe it’s because I was smaller in high school so I didn’t grow up being seen as chubby#which im lucky for bc its def a privilege#but still like.#idk. pointing it out so specifically just feels like. yeah. okay.#now that I’m older I’m less concerned and other ppl are too#caitie blabs#body image tw#fatphobia tw
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🐰🌧️
#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future#i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were#bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected#a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati#that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful#and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old#live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE#i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things#now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao#there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives#by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me#only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die#bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything#for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right#i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax#but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became#bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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aw fuck im thinking about pink pony pawpaw :(((
#there was an old man at a chappell roan concert (tiktok video) and fuck it makes me so fucking emotional#seeing older queer people in general makes me emotional because. well you know#but god. thinking of all those people who would have loved to be at something so simple. like a chappell roan concert singing pink pony clu#fuck. im so fucking lucky to be alive right now and im so sad that other people cant be here too
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now that i've completed all the character episodes and fought with or against all characters i can finally make a tier list with my opinion on everyone ✌
#m#tekken#i like alisa more than leo asuka and xiaoyu but i think all four + lili have a great relationship dynamic#like they could all be a group of besties who do sleepovers and kick ass togetherand get into adventures!! but alas bandai namco hates fun#katarina is SO hot but i need her personality to be shown a little bit more for her to become a fav of mine#i like miguel and bob mostly bcs of the online tekken comic but once again im asking for more content of them#also i think their opposite personalities match very well and they could be good frienemies#imagine that miguel wants to beat people up for no reason but bob keeps stopping him and he's just extra angry all the time#also. miguel showing bob spanish food. eating paella together........ bandai namco PLEASE put them together more often#i dont even need to defend that heihachi and lee are the funniest characters in the franchise you know im right#i hated lucky chloe bcs she looked like weeb bait but then i saw her episode...... genuinely super funny that she's secretly an asshole#AND extra funny that Eddy has to deal with her in t7. honestly i'd love to see eddy work for her and try he kawaii lifestyle#all the while lucky chloe is mega rude and bad mouthed in the behind the scenes#also they could have older bro and younger sis energy... or the reverse bcs we dont know how old is she. actually she should be older#wouldnt it be hilarious if she was like 35 or something#i like the characters in the orange tier mostly because of their designs#julia and lidia are both very cute! and master raven very hot#claudio kazumi leroy and hwoarang have cool designs and marshal law and the kings have funny backstories#i like kazuya when there are family shenanigans otherwise i dont care much about him#the williams' designs are very boring but i like how much they despise each other#the bears are funny too#everyone else.......... i legit dont care
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maybe I can even learn to be happy for other people
#like why am I suddenly against even the loml jungkook now that hes finally happy in his skin and with his talent and with himself?#when hes finally totally confident?#because hes singing about sex?#like I think im just bitter#im bitter at the world and everyone who's happy and has anything that idont and I think they shouldn't have it either#and I see someone with talent or hard earned skill and I think that should be me too#like literally anyone that has nothing to do with me#like this is not healthy#its not#i want to be happy for other people too#not just the few that I love and find bearable to be happy for in their situation#like I want to be the person who sees someone succeed and feels nothing but happiness for them#could NOT be me but actually maybe it could. how. idk I will try#like actually!! grow up! grow up! grow!#im just this bitter jealous girl#who is jealous of anyone better than me or who has something I dont#im like ohh I try so hard and GET nothing and they have so much#this mindset will never heal me#and i in fact have so much too. im so lucky#and I could focus on myself and only be happy for others and support them#instead of comparing with myself#like im so extremely self centered
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i always get majorly bummed out when I take notice that the op of a post is now deactivated as I look thru a fandom tag. ppl are allowed to do whatever they want ofc it's literally not my business but like Man🐴
#It causes a lump in my throat everytime. in times like those all I can think is‚ “I wish i could've appreciated more of your work”#I didnt even know ur blog existed. i wish I had followed you. I would've loved to see what other stuff you'd posted. I wish youd share more#sorry i was revisiting my s&l tag & saw that the op of a gifset I rly enjoyed had deactivated and im getting emotional abt it 4 no reason🧍#I don't know if this is something that they would've liked‚ but i felt very lucky that I managed to see it + rb it in time#and that other people did the same too. with that and probably many other gifsets that they made#salvaged‚ and available for us to look at it regardless. Immortalized#SORRY . Sorry sorry H;JWJAKDFJ i'm ruminating a bit#content creators i love you so much forever. thank you for putting yourself out there. please keep it up#you'd be surprised by how much someone out there could cherish your crafts#wondertext#SORRY FOR THE SENTIMENTAL TALK ALL OF A SUDDEN 💧💧#transience be Damned‼️‼️✊🏼✊🏼✊🏼✊🏼✊🏼
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having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.
#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el#i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any#dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe#like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it#idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about#literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own.#and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god#and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.)#but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems#or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like#get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days.#and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus#is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways.#idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess#i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives.#what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it#sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY !#i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!!#and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!!#WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT#.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!!#.txt#and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that.#in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL#<3
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bite bite bite bite bite bite
#aghhh yall im so sick of my school#they still havent let me in to see the courses#its bEEN 2 ENTIRE WEEKS#AGHHHH#PLEASE I JUST WANT TO STUDY!!!!#ive been sending several emails daily bc ive had issues every step of the way#couldnt register bc the courses didnt appear#had to contact a teacher to do that#then they never showed up on the platform#so i had to contact other people to hopefully get that solved#they reply once every 2 days if im lucky (i am not lucky)#they asked for proof that i had paid even tho the pay limit wasnt there yet#couldnt pay online bc the platform is messed up#had to go to an oxxo then dend them a photo; they havent replied#its been 2 days#then i check and the platform doesnt even say i paid!!!! it just says not paid!!! hhhhhhhh#so i had to send *another* email#i asked the teachers for the class work and only one of em replied#i ask my classmates and theyre all too busy with other administration bullshit to help!!!#aghhhhhhhhh#this is my villain origin story btw <3#shut up sheo
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the fucking audacity of watching the pixar short film “going home” while i’m home for my grandma’s funeral.
#like….. yeah#2 weeks ago i did not know id be here rn#i did not know she would take a turn for the worse this fast#im very thankful things worked out to where i could be here#for my wife and her support and i guess my boss and coworkers for their understanding#i have been lucky to not have been here for the very tough times#im thankful to be here with my family now#theyre doing a lot of new housing in my town now#many buildings i walked by as a kid have been demolished and are being rebuilt#we emptied my grandmas room today. she had only lived there for about 3 weeks before passing#we drive by my mom olds house. the house i grew up in. the new owner still hasnt torn down my old curtains in my old room#the old curtains my grandma had sewn for me when i was a baby#my dad is thinking about moving too. too many new buildings too many new people too much noise#two of my cousins have kids now! and the third one is getting married soonish? her fiance seems nice. he seems like he cares about her#my nephew and niece are so big now. i still havent met my other niece#i wonder if any of my old classmates have had kids? if they moved too?#ill be leaving again on tuesday. itll be a looong day#my parents have more and more grey hairs every time i see them#i dont see my brother as much as id like. hes following his dreams and im proud of him. hes a good kid#anyway the guy who made said short film is literally just like me fr#from germany and had been in the us 5 years (at the time) and making this short film?#just like me fr#anyway. this became one of those diaries for me posts haha#it just really captured how it is really well
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not to keep liveblogging the retreat but it’s over now (it has been for most of the day). i cried so much today and it was amazing. im so sad and so happy and so relieved and so tired and so proud
#purrs#retreat tag#i was rly anxious facilitating today and overwhelmed bc we had to pack (i didn’t help at all and felt terrible) and i didn’t finish writing#notes to ppl and i had to facilitate and i was nervous abt the emotions. and then we got there and i said the final words and started crying#and this time EVERYONE was looking at me. but it wasn’t sad tears it was like…. wow. look at this. we made this together. we went through so#much this week and also for three years and we did it and it all mattered so much and we’re here together. and i felt all my past and future#selves and pods and cohorts in that moment and all the ones i didn’t get to see too. and it was so… wow. and then i was bawling when we were#hugging goodbye and someone in my pod hugged me for like a solid 2 minutes it felt like and we were just rocking each other and crying 🥹🥹🥹🥹#it doesn’t even feel real but also it was SO real. i can’t believe it’s over. not to keep talking a but crying but i cried for like an hour#when i got picked up and we went back to the hotel omg.. like this was MONTHS of intensive prep and planning plus 2 years of the heaviest LY#lifts to put on diminished versions of this magical thing and we got to do it this time and everything that led up to that mattered and the#ripples will roll out forever. im a little scared bc part of me feels distant from it bc i know so much now and have a lot of experience w i#it but like.. this program changed my whole life. introduced me to so many of the people i love. exploded my world into light. and i got to#be part of doing that for 43 other people. i feeel so lucky and warm#i feel cringy for talking abt it on here liek it’s disingenuous / just for performance but i rly mean that its just thisis my public diary 🥴#like omg. 5 years ago. and 3 years ago. and last semester. and now it’s over???? but also it’s just beginning. wild#naur also im a staff coach now and it was kinda sad the distance i felt. like they were scared of me / felt like i was untouchable a little#bit but it’s like… im only a couple years older than you. someone in my pod was a year older than me! so that was sad. but it was good
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non-zero amount of swans and a non-zero amount of lakes.
#pretty pretty day#red leaves turning yellow the sun is so bright the breeze isnt too cold#i get to walk past all my friends houses on my way to a really cute study cafe . walk past a bubble tea place walk through tree lined#streets . sun against my friends window so i cant see if she could see me. today there was a double rainbow#in the sky from misty rain. so many squirrels and birds and rabbits and deer#i have a deadline soon and im massively behind bc im lucky enough to be able to do too much. need to#write an essay and do maths problem sets. smile + wave at ppl you know. last night i met a rly cute girl#and i dont think its gonna go anywhere but ill think abt her from time to time from now on#there is someone in front of me with bright blue hair. someone with their knuckles wrapped in bandages. two boys holding hands.#today people are dying but it is the 40th day of her death which means it is the 40th day of the revolution which is the 40th day of#not giving up. meanwhile the sun casts halos on a the wings of a magpie + a fresh pomegrante waits in the kitchen.#i have freshly cut watermelons in my fridge. there are so many flowers here. there are swans in the lakes.#my hair is a mess in the wind and forgetting a lot of things. my vision is declining and so i must remember the definition of leaves#before it's too late. one thing determinate from the other.#water reflects red. there are two girls feeding the birds. so many pretty people running into the same building.#youre cut from a different cloth. you especially are cut from silk.#you hate philosophy for its messy discourse and love maths for the clear consesus it produces. i only feel a little guilty#for laughing at that. last year two professors in functional analysis fought on blackboards until it became a team sport. a paper agains#a paper against. a paper against the paper for the against. on the walls for st joseph of cupertino we both pray for some mercy. offer up#some beautiful quantifier and i will drown inside it. break fresh chalk just for you.
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feeling extra lonely tonight
#tryign to make friends at work is hard esp when u hardly see each other bc schedule/dept conflicts#havent seen this guy im trying to ask out in like a week and a half and last i saw him we talked like 2 minutes bc we were both on the clock#n the other friend im making i usually just see at the tail end of my shift cuz they start later#n now that im working books i just dont see anyone. periodt#im not the kind to abandon my post to visit a dept i have no business in so its always like. well i sure hope we see each other !#MIGHT see one tomo if im lucky im gonna try to make conversation for more than 2 min this time wish me luck#if i dont see him i wont for like . another week#maybe longer#what was my personal tag again#''but marrow you can make friends in places that arent work'' thats so much HARDER#and ive tried. maybe not enough times but it sucks cuz most ppl just dont really pique my interest#too many times there have been ppl at work i have been interested in getting to know but i wasnt proactive enough abt interacting w them#and then they stop working there and its like whelp never seeing them again#so im trying to be more forward and active when i like someone. its fucking HARD but its working i think. maybe#''marrow what abt those opportunities youve had to hang out with new ppl that were enjoyable''#well thank you for asking dear voice in my head; those ppl i met were nice but they were not really ppl i was interested in knowing. ty#i am just an unlovable little prick surrounded by equally unlovable people
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I have post trip sadness. I'm happy to be home, but already miss being with my best friend enjoying the wonders of Oregon. Listening to my emo music cause I'm so sad/happy and I love her so much.
#personal#being sick with covid probs doesnt help the situation#super emotional rn#so much happiness in my life and I love everyone so so much#my other best friend was here earlier this month and I'll see her in November and can't wait#going with my friends to goose day next week too#im so so so lucky#if I could only tell little me that people will wanna be with you and you are so so loved and worthy
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free roaming outdoor dogs a la cats are not a good idea and are just asking for injuries and conflict but unfortunately i've only ever had great experiences growing up in a neighborhood with a handful of those dogs and i miss themmmmm
#there was this one huge golden named riley whod just lay in the road all day and make cars go around him#he'd find me and my sister and we'd fuck around all day with him#on halloween he'd follow us trick or treating#he was dumb as bricks and completely unbothered by either of our reactive ass gsd mixes we'd invite him in to hang play with them#and when he'd had enough he'd politely wait by the gate to be let out#there was also cocoa he was some kind of aussie mix#he stayed by his house mostly and people watched but he'd always come say hi and walk around this undeveloped lot ppl wore a trail into#he was also good with our reactive dog#there were three? yellow labs that would come around too.#one had giant balls and would walk around with a tennis ball looking for ppl to play fetch with#there was also a younger one i dont remember well and an ancient old girl who just liked being pet#i forgot to mention riley would also find my sister and i in the mornings to wait for the bus with us#when i was in highschool there was a husky for a few days id see in the mornings#he probably just got out on accident lol but he was nice too#i like to think im good at reading dog body language and respecting boundaries but i have zero fear of strange dogs ever#i've only ever been close to being bit once and it was as a mailman#a little pittie jumped a fence from its backyard when i started up to a porch and came right up to me barking and growling#literally on my hand like i felt teeth while it barked it just didnt bite#i just stood there and a few seconds later the owner came out and i very slowly and smoothly handed them their package#as this fucking dog told me to gtfo#that shook me up a bit lol i got very lucky#every other dog i met was lovely though#idk what the point of this post is i just have a soft spot for driveway dogs#do not let ur dog do this though same as outdoor cats
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