#now that I’m older I’m less concerned and other ppl are too

[theloveinc]

Not upset at anyone bc frankly I worship work that is body inclusive but I wish there was more chubby reader content that wasn’t like, “you’re bigger than everyone you’re large you’re big and round you’re HUGE but they like it tho :)”

[unohanadaydreams]

DAMAGE DONE FOR KENPACHI SOULMATE CAN YOU IMAGINE THE A N G S T AND CONFUSION

 I know ppl who follow this blog have taste because you were the the first of four ppl to ask for this exact combo jdhdjsjs. We are all Kenpachi brain rot compliant.

Features: Cutting/self harm, a real shit start to a relationship, and angst.

Bleach Your Soul: Ask Meme

Kenpachi Zaraki + Damage:

So much of your life was defined by isolation. A patient treated terminal. Everyone paid you the same attention they would a ghost, fleeting smiles and tears that fell over your bed as though it were a grave.

How could you not feel tortured and angry, to be saddled with a soul mate determined to drag you through hell with them? There were times you truly believed were your last. Stabs too close to your guts. Slashes peeling open to far towards your heart.

There was little room in your thoughts to worry about who suffered with you, other than to curse them. Whether they struggled to live or delighted in violence, you didn’t know. You didn’t care. It was hard to care about anything while laying in your deathbed. Through childhood, your heart withered like the flowers always dying on your window sill. If only they’d throw you away for good, as well.

You garnered hobbies to keep busy rather than to enjoy them. Your stitching, calligraphy, and precocious little drawings stained in blood more often than not. The 4th division was your jail. Your soulmate, your warden. Keeping you there, always.

For years, you begged them. Desperate to be heard--to have a modicum of fucking control--, you carved words into your skin. Were they scared the first time you did it? Did they hate it? Did it hurt them?

Vindictive, you hoped all your horrible thoughts were so. When you cut ‘stop. stop. stop. stop.’ you did it on your side and hip, so it would reopen. Again. And again. And again. And--

They never responded. No matter what you wrote. ‘Please stop.’ ‘It hurts.’ ‘Doesn’t it hurt you?’ ‘I hate you.’ ‘Who are you.’ ‘Don’t you care?’ ‘Kill me.’ ‘Die.’ ‘I’m sorry.’ 

Slowly, then suddenly, the damage that had been near daily stopped for so many years stopped. Your family settled you back in the home, a living urn. They said your name and stroked your cheek and smiled too small when you spoke.

Your skin buzzed with the absence of what had plagued your entire youth. Was it sickness or shame that drove your blade through your skin still? Did you just miss it? Was the violence boiling you alive with no where to spill out anymore?

There were times you swore minuscule nicks would appear, healing too fast to smooth over, but staying long enough to feel. Older, able to be among people, you realized what that could mean. What kind of person you’d told to die as a pithy little tween.

Were they alive--really alive? Did anyone else care or were you the only one?

‘Songbirds.’ ‘Hello.’ ‘Your name?’ ‘Sorry.’ ‘Work sucks.’ ‘Too hot.’ ‘Alive?’ ‘Hotpot.’ ‘Cut words.’ ‘Please.’ ‘Alive?’ ‘Shinigami.’ ‘13th.’ ‘Rank?’ ‘Rukongai?’ ‘I’m sorry.’

@

Retsu Unohana, the only woman he couldn’t quite look in the eye, was there to smile all serene-like over him. After he’d lost. Figures she’d be there when he fucking lost.

She asked him all those annoying questions about how his body felt and told him all the things he needed to heal from. He wanted to shake her like Yachiru did when he wasn’t paying attention enough for her liking. Who gave a shit about all that--he lost and got what he deserved. He had to get stronger. Just because she’d abandoned her pride didn’t mean he would. 

“Your soulmate is here, too.”

Kenpachi couldn’t ignore that one. He never ignored that one. Not that they let him, with all their fucking writing. Saying the strangest shit sometimes too.

When he was young, he’d been paranoid, not knowing what the fuck was doing the writing. He’d swing his sword over his calf or side or thigh, expecting to lob and invisible arm off. Running, Kenpachi would try to out pace the fucker.

 Yumichika explained it like having one was exciting. Ikkaku had yelped for Yumichika to knock it off as the man with beautifully kept hands had given himself a paper cut.

“See? It means the person you’re meant for feels everything you do on the battlefield.” His colorful eyelids narrowed, sights shifting between his captain and Ikkaku. “Or in the file cabinet, if either of you would bother to help out.”

The more he understood--and thought about it--the less he wanted to meet them. His soulmate. Kenpachi wasn’t a person who forgave weakeness and anyone meant for him wouldn’t either, right?

He’d been consumed by sleepless nights, futile attempts to nap, and brutal training sessions, trying to keep his failures out of mind after the realization. What if Yachiru had been forced to take every blow the same as he had? Whenever he tucked in his lieutenant, the question ate at him further.

With time, there had come some form of solace--one day he’d find the thrill of a horrible battle again, to drown the thoughts out. But what Ichigo Kurosaki had offered hadn’t been horrible in the way he’d imagined. And here he was, face turned away from Unohana’s thinly veiled impatience, his feelings too complicated to bother with fully.

“Well?”

Unohana stood, like she was disappointed and Kenpachi couldn’t help but snap at her, “Fine. Whatever.”

She smiled, soft as she’d gotten, and went to the door. “Fine to what? I only told you they’re here. But if you’re so determined to see them, Captain Zaraki, follow me.”

@

Grumbling about how much he hated ‘that sneaky shit’, Kenpachi did follow her, and went through the door she gestured at before being closed in with your recovering body. Your body hadn’t healed as fast as his, but that wasn’t a surprise--you’d be a captain for sure if you could pull that shit off.

Worst of all, you were awake, the scar lining one side of your face as thick as his own. No one else was in the room with you. There were no flowers or cards. And your mouth was hanging open.

“You’re alive.”

“Yeah well,” Kenpachi didn’t know what to say, trailing off as one of his fingers brushed over his thigh.

“Everyone is talking about your fight,” you said, filling his silence with a light shrug. “I figured it was more than coincidence that I ended up like this at the same time. I’m glad it was you and not the ryoka.”

“You thought that kid was your soulmate?”

“How was i supposed to know? No one’s seen him since your fight, or so they’re saying.”

“The scar’s pretty fucking obvious.”

“Uh, I’ve never seen you before and it’s not like you’re ever in the Seireitei Bulletin or...or wandering around where people could find you!”

Kenpachi winced, not because of your words, but because the closer he got, the more your sweat and shaking arms showed. You must’ve been like this for a lot of your life. A worming feeling of guilt he seldom felt curled in his belly. Now that he had a person to pin to the thought, it swelled large.

Maybe if he were a softer person, someone rounded out like the long gone Yachiru turned Unohana, he’d say something comforting or concerned or even charming. But his hand was still on his thigh and his mounting frustration at himself, all revolving around his lack of strength, felt thick on his tongue.

“This mean you’re gonna stop with the fucking words?”

You pulled your head back slow, looking up at him like you couldn’t decide between succumbing to exhaustion or lunging at him.

“What if I don’t? What if I just keep going till you respond?”

“You’ll keep going until ya die.”

“Well, great! There’s you’re answer,” you scoffed. “You’ll have to kill me.”

It was a shit start, all things considered, and the silence that took over the room as Kenpachi sat on the nearest chair, so hard it almost cracked, felt as horrible as his zanpakuto refusing to answer him.

“The name’s Kenpachi Zaraki,” he said, resolved to at least get your name.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Damn right, you do. Now tell me yours.”

You wouldn’t have introduced yourself if he hadn’t looked so...well, you couldn’t quite tell what he looked like. Tired, maybe. Tired and wanting something.

So you gave him your name, your relief that he was alive, that you hadn’t wished him to his grave in your youth, outweighing your anger. An apology for putting you here was like grasping at the sky and hoping to hold a star, if his reputation proceeded him. So you let it go as best you could.

And Kenpachi settled back in the chair, grunting in acknowledgement. He didn’t think learning your name was gonna make him stronger, but it felt nice to hear someone talking to him like a person and not a beast.

If he was being honest, it’d always felt nice to be given your words, when so many people refused to give him any. A bit awkwardly, he stayed while you fell victim to sleep, your breath slow before he spoke again.

“Thanks.”

[i-am-robie]

short(?) fic idea: kara and lena through the other peoples perspective (ie noonans barista, lena’s driver, takeout cashier or any random ppl)

I read this and my first reaction was, I don’t know how to write a drabble. And then Jack’s voice interrupted me so, this may not be what you’re looking for anon, but here’s what just happened in my head lol...

“I’m just saying,” Jack finishes as they’re finally next in line at Noonan’s, “there’s something going on with them.”

“You’ve got some awfully firm ideas of what for someone with absolutely no evidence,” Sam says smiling and looking down at the pastries in the case.

“I’ve got eyes!” Jack looks affronted

“You know, I think he might be right.”

Sam turns to Kelly in surprise. “Look I know when I first got to National City, I thought they might be dating, too,” Sam says. “But they weren’t!”

“Plus,” Alex breaks in, “Kara would tell me. She’s terrible at keeping secrets.”

They shuffle forward as the line moves. Sam waves them all up to the counter, before greeting the barista. “Hey Tom, I’ll have my usual and whatever this crew is ordering.” She turns back to the group. “It’s on me today, even if Jack couldn’t be more wrong.”

“Oh, how can you not think they’re dating…” Jack starts but he’s interrupted by the barista.

“Jack, are you talking about Kara and Lena?” Jack nods at him. “They’re definitely dating.”

Jack claps his hands together and practically crows with glee. Alex looks like she might pass out. Kelly just smiles. Sam looks gobsmacked. 

Alex recovers first. “Tom! What do you mean they’re dating?”

“Oh come on,” says Tom, punching in their drinks, “you see them more than I do, but it’s pretty clear whenever they’re in here. All the soft touches and the blushing and the cheek kissing? That’s dating activity. And Lena never lets Kara pay.”

“Cheek kissing…?” Alex is looking a little green now. 

Tom finishes ringing them up and Kelly guides Alex over to wait for their drinks while Jack grabs a table as Sam pays. 

“You doing ok there, babe?” Kelly asks. “You look like you’re thinking a little too hard.”

“She’d tell me. I mean, right?” Alex looks at her girlfriend. “If she and Lena were, you know?”

Kelly laughs affectionately. “Maybe they’re still figuring out how to tell you, maybe it’s early, maybe they don’t even know themselves yet.” She looks a little more serious now. “But you’ve seen them together lately. Don’t you think it’s something a little more?”

They pick up the drinks from the counter when they’re ready and walk over to where Jack and Sam have commandeered four large chairs around a low table.

“Gross,” Alex says, squinting down at the writing on the side of second cup she’s holding. “Who ordered the venti pumpkin spice with extra whip?”

“Me!” Jack grins and makes grabby hands. “Sammy and I were continuing our earlier conversation,” he adds while Alex and Kelly take their seats. “She agrees with the premise that Lena and Kara would like to be dating each other, but doesn’t believe me that it’s already happening.”

Sam puts a hand up. “There’s too much pining for that to be the case.”

“They’ll get there when they’re ready,” Kelly says. “If they’re not there already.”

Alex, who’s been silent since handing Jack the drink suddenly looks up. “There’s only one solution,” she says. 

Jack leans forward. “I’m all ears love.”

“Tom said it looked to him like they’re dating, right?” The rest of them nod. “If they’re dating in secret, then they’re not going to act that way around us. But around people who they don’t think are watching...?” She looks around the circle.

“They’d be more comfortable,” Sam says thoughtfully. 

“I feel like I know where this is going,” Kelly interrupts, “and I need to go on record saying we should just let them be.”

“We need to talk to the people in their lives who aren’t us,” Alex finishes, ignoring Kelly’s advice.

“I’ll make a list,” says Jack. “We can divide and conquer.”

—————-

“Oh, Lena is in here all the time, she’s always sending that sweet girlfriend of hers the most beautiful bouquets,” says the florist, Ruth, when Sam drops by.

“Where does she have them sent?” Sam asks.

“Mostly to CatCo,” Ruth answers, wrapping brown paper around a mix of delphinium, lisianthus, free spirit roses, and starry asters. “Sometimes she’ll come in and pick up the flowers herself, though.”

——————

“Inconclusive,” Alex says, shaking her head when Sam reports back to the group. “Lena has sent Kara flowers at work since she moved from Metropolis.”

“On to the next,” says Jack. “I’ll handle this one.”

——————-

“So, Harvey,” Jack begins, leaning against the wall next to the front desk. “I bet you see everything that goes on in this building, don’t you?”

Harvey grins as he waves a resident through. “Doormen know everything, Jack.”

Jack nods. “So, say, if one of your residents has someone over regularly, you’d see them come and go, right? Get a feel for the relationship?” He’s trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

“I’d like to think we can generally tell who guests are to our residents, sure,” Harvey says easily, winking at an older woman passing the desk. She blushes and waves. “Is there something specific you’re looking for, Jack? Or have I misjudged you and you’re just interested in what the job is like.”

Jack grins. “You see right through me, Harvey. I’ll just come out and ask it. Do you think Lena and Kara are dating?”

Harvey gives Jack a long, inscrutable look.

“I wouldn’t want to speculate on the particulars, Jack,” he finally says. “But I’ll tell you this: Ms. Luthor is never happier than when Ms. Danvers is with her.”

——————-

“Well, Harvey was less helpful than Ruth,” Jack complains that evening, pouring himself a drink at Sam's wet bar before joining her and Alex on the couch. 

“I have another idea about who to ask next,” Alex says. 

—————-

All in all, they talk to as many people as they can think of—from the  server at Kara's favorite pizza place (“They always fight about who gets to pay, young love is so sweet”), to Lena’s driver (“It’s not my place, but Sunday night is definitely date night”). Nia even volunteers to ask around CatCo once they bring her up to speed. Apparently, the newsroom is divided on the topic, though everyone agrees there’s something there. 

—————-

It comes to a head two weeks later when Sam hosts game night.

Kara corners Alex in the kitchen when Kelly asks for more snacks. Kara comes up next to her as she pours more chips into a bowl, leans against the counter.

“Alex, why did Jimmy at Mr. Huang’s House of Wontons ask me when Lena’s and my anniversary is?”

Alex rubs the back of her neck. When she’d recruited Jimmy to help, she really thought he’d be more subtle. She decides being direct is the best way to handle this.

“Ok so don’t be mad but I might have asked him if he thought you guys were dating in secret.”

Kara looks like heat vision is something Alex should be concerned about right now. 

“I know you like her, Kara, you’re about as subtle as a freight train.” Alex clips the top of the chip bag closed, and glances over at Kara.

Kara frowns at that, looking a little vulnerable instead of angry now. “So what if I do?”

“I think everyone in National City knows that Lena likes you,” Alex continues. Kara goes pink and splutters unintelligibly. Alex puts up a hand to stop her. “Jack thought you might be dating and I guess I got worried that you were but didn’t want to tell me because you thought I wouldn’t approve. So I asked around.”

“Well we’re not dating!” Kara says defensively, reaching up to adjust her glasses. “And it’s not cool to go around asking people about us, ok? She’s my best friend and we’re close and maybe I do like her but,” Kara swallows hard and it almost looks like she might cry and now alex knows for certain that they’re not dating but oh does Kara want to be, “we’re not dating. Can you drop it?”

“Kara,” Alex says gently, putting a hand on her sister’s shoulder. “I’m just trying to say it would be ok, if you were dating. We all just want you to be happy. I get that you’re not,” Alex says when Kara starts to interrupt her (and is Alex referring to Kara dating or Kara being happy? She isn’t sure herself), “but I’m trying to tell you it would be great if you were.”

“I just,” Kara looks down at the counter. “Alex I want to, so badly, but I can’t lose her again. We spent so long getting back to this place, you know? What if I ask her out and then I mess it up?”

A throat clears behind them, and Alex and Kara whip their heads around. 

“Sam sent me in for drinks,” Lena says, but she’s looking so intently at Kara that Alex decides this might be a good time to leave the kitchen. 

Alex just rounding the corner back to the living room when she hears Lena speak again, in a softer voice than Alex has ever heard.

“You wouldn’t mess it up, you know. You couldn’t.”

[letterstomilen]

i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ. 

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

 Childe

12:35

ur a horrible influence on tonia

 Childe

12:35

and whos this ZHONGLI

 Childe

12:35

also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os

 Twin 1

12:37

a normal person would say hi

 Twin 1

12:37

also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school

 Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?

 Childe

12:38

thats not very convincing

 Childe

12:38

also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares

 Twin 1

12:39

isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12

 Childe

12:42

thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”

 Twin 1

12:42

well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk

 Childe

12:42

whats asmr

 Childe

12:43

asking for my sister btw

 Twin 1

12:44

A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

 Childe

12:45

wtf?

 Twin 1

12:45

people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????

 Childe

12:45

idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos

 Twin 1

12:47

… makes sense

 Twin 1

12:47

check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type

 Childe

12:48

i thought we were talking about my sister????

 Twin 1

12:50

[message screenshots.jpg]

 Twin 1

12:50

ya she told me everything

 Twin 1

12:50

have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA

 Childe

12:51

hope he does it

He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)

It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)

When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.

The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week.  He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.

Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.

Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.

“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”

Holy shit.

For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)

His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.

Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”

This time is different though.

Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.

And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.

The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)

Oh God — oh fuck.

“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)

“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)

“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”

“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”

“Huh?”

The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?

“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.

“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.

“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”

“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”

“Yeah.”

Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.

Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.

[magicalgirlpropaganda]

the closest thing I can find to my situation is disassociative amnesia.

if it's not stress or depression, I mean.

I've heard that some people keep journals to keep track of their memories. maybe I should start doing that, but I also don't really care about what's happening. it doesn't affect my everyday life.

the thing is, I also don't know if i'd say that it's disassociation because I don't really mind. at first it was scary but now it's not. and it hasn't gotten any worse. it only gets worse during times of stress or times when says seem to repeat. which seems less like disassociation and more like i'm just having trouble remembering each day because they're all the same.

i remember important moments of each day so I think that may be it

but as for my memory loss of past events... its like it's continuous. like memories fade as you get older. i thought it was just normal that as you get older, you forget things that are 5 years past. and it may be normal... but whenever I mention that my memory lasts around 5 years, people say that it's not normal. like i can remember some details of things before 5 years and if i am reminded i can sometimes recall details. so i thought it was normal, that's just childhood amnesia. but apparently for a lot of people, that stops past a certain point. like they forget everything before 5 years old but they don't keep forgetting. this might just be normal and the ppl I've talked to just didn't happen to relate. i think it's normal... i'm unsure

the reason i think there's a possibility of dissociative amnesia is that every now and then, for a couple of days i just. forget. and i also just feel like my mind is rlly foggy and it's difficult to remember anything at all. A lot of it is just my adhd, so it could just be my adhd and my stress, but i still think that i'm open to the possibility of looking into dissociative amnesia if ever there is a time where i feel important.

my memories are not gone. i can uncover them if reminded. which is normal.

idk. i forgot what i even was going on about and what i even wanted to say. i don't have time to do much research on it at the moment. and i wouldn't say that i think i have a disorder unless i was almost certain that i do have it.

i hope i do not. I don't mind living like i do now because I've never known anything else. but lately everything just feels so fuzzy. but i don't really mind it either so idk if i am certain...

i forgot what made me so sure that i have dissociative amnesia. i relate to some of the symptoms, so i'm pretty sure i have it. but at the same time

i don't think i have it because it's always been like this and it's never really affected me much. i am almost certain that whatever happened 5 years ago that i can't seem to remember no matter how much i try is probably better left forgotten. all i remember is that something horrible happened and i wanted to die so bad. but i don't remember what happened... and i'm glad. i remembered wanting to forget so badly. so i think it's a good thing that I forgot. so in that case, maybe i don't have a disorder. maybe it's just that i got really lucky and was able to forget what i so desperately wanted to forget?

i say I've always been like this... but why around ages 13-14 is there just this blank spot? it seems unlike other times in my life. i dont remember anything before 10 years old except for a select few memories but i do remember somewhat of the events after, and if i dont remember them the memories pop up occasionally when I'm reminded.

but that time in my life when i was around 12-13, there's just a blur. and maybe it's best left that way.

idk. i don't even know why i made this post. everything is ok now. i'm just stressed and everything will go back to normal when i'm less stressed out. ig I've just been thinking about my memories lately and realizing that i have huge gaps in my memory that i thought was normal but people have said that its not normal. and my mom always asks what i did that day when she calls me and sometimes i don't have an answer for her so i just have to make something up.

right now my memory is horrible because i'm very tired. i have a paper due wednesday that i didn't have time to work on last week because I was so busy. that's why my memory is bad at the moment. maybe i'm just remembering things wrong at the moment because i'm stressed and tired and I've been drinking a lot of caffeine and maybe i'm remembering not remembering.

but it doesn't matter really what's going on. because it doesn't hurt me in any way. it's just odd

but i don't think it's a memory disorder because it feels sort of numb. pleasantly numb. and disorders are bad... disorders don't feel good. so that can't be it.

but that's also strange because i think i have a memory disorder too for other reasons but I'm not sure why. probably because i'm so tired. i'll probably wake up tomorrow when i'm well rested and i'll be able to provide some sort of answer. i just need to stop drinking so many energy drinks and rest more and i'll be ok, i think.

i am alright and i dont mean to cause for concern. i just need to finish my work and go to bed.

[dastardlydandelion]

Max Mayfield and Tory Nichols in a horror film, what would be the plot/monster and would they survive?

this is it. this is the tumblr ask. the ask i've been waiting for my whole life. my time to shine, here we go!

filming begins under the cut:

tried and true creature feature, this is a werewolf movie. let's go with a werewolf between the van helsing (2004) and trick r treat (2007) variety. the beast once transformed is fucking huge, clearly both lupine and human, head almost entirely wolf, body primarily bipedal in shape, but robust, sinew shredding claws and big ass bone tearing teeth. also tails!! bc tails are cute!!! powers include monstrous strength, accelerated speed, healing factor. weaknesses silver and decapitation.

okay, so van helsing (2004) werewolves are mindless rage monsters and trick r treat (2007) werewolves are cognizant. for our max & tory creature feature, they're gonna of the in between variety. i chose a werewolf movie for these two specifically bc they both have their anger problems and the werewolf has long been a symbol of anger unleashed in the horror genre, even tho common gray wolves are just like. i mean, yk, animals, they hunt and howl and pee on trees and most of the time would rather avoid humans. but obvi horror genre werewolves are not common gray wolves, they need to be scary, and like, the remnants of traditional folklore influenced by rabies and discourse in the middle ages...wait, where was i going with this? anger, yes, max and tory both have anger problems and i think this works for what i'm gonna do with this theoretical movie.

who's the werewolf in town? terry fucking silver. bc terry is evil and dramatic and also, i think it's rly funny for a werewolf to have silver as a surname. he's fully cognizant in his transformation and he's purposefully biting kids and teenagers bc he wants more talented karate students. and like. yk, with the enhanced strength, speed, and regenerative recovery of lycanthropy, well. there u have it, more talented karate students.

do max and tory know each other, if so, how? okay, so in this 'verse tory is a lil older than max. that reflects their canon ages, i think. let's say max is 13 and tory is 16. billy has tory in some of his classes and he more or less makes a deal to spilt his allowance with her if she'll babysit max bc he's tired of neil riding his ass to babysit max. tory needs money so she's like, 'sure, why not.' max finds it rly stupid that she's 13 and neil thinks she needs a fucking babysitter but as far as babysitters go, tory is fun. she likes to show max what she's learning in cobra kai and they spar together a lot. max would actually like to join cobra kai but 1) neil would throw a fit on various fronts and 2) lucas is in miyagi-do. max knows there's some rly intense beef between cobra kai and miyagi-do. ofc tory's filled her in on the karate war, how could she not?

well one day tory takes max to the playground to watch a plane fly like she does with miggy in ck, and it's nighttime, ofc, and lo, the full moon is out. shining up in the sky. they hear a howl. they both look at each other. max is kinda curious but tory's like nah, nah, we gotta go. she grabs her, starts pulling her along. but the next howl is a lot closer and they can hear smth running and it just sounds fuckin big. they're running too now, legs pumping hard, but there's no escape once the beast is right behind them, hot, rancid breath blasting the backs of their necks and harvest gold eyes glowing in the dark.

max gets bitten first. tory tries to kick the big ass beast off of her and then it rounds and bites her too. the terror is real now. and then shockingly, as fast as it'd come, it leaves. neither girl has an explanation for wtaf just happened but tory takes max home. billy gripes at her for being out late but helps her patch up. when susan learns what happens she decides to take max to get rabies shots right away. loads her up in the car, runs her off to the emergency room-- but when the bandages come off, they are no wounds.

tory's bby bro tries to help patch her up too. but he's like 4 yrs old and his idea of "help" is sticking bandaids with cartoon characters up and down the wounds in haphazard fashion. tory plans to redo it all properly once she's put him to bed. sure enough after he's asleep, and she peels the bandaids off from every open mouthed pac-man to every green teenage mutant ninja turtle, the wounds are gone.

meanwhile there's missing ppl err day on the news. terry turns kids and teens but kills adults for the lulz.

tory and max know what happened to them was an event that tangibly, definitely happened but neither have any explanation for their wounds just disappearing. max, our resident horror fan, is the first to propose a real life werewolf as an explanation. she cites the missing ppl on the news. tory thinks she's tripping balls but reluctantly gives an inch when she acknowledges no, she can't think of any other explanation.

life goes on. max tells lucas what happened only she leaves out the part abt tory bc she's not gonna tell a miyagi-do student she's kickin it w the enemy. he doesn't rly believe her, like how she didn't rly believe him about the upside-down in their canon. he thinks the horror movies are rotting her brain.

tory almost tells her dojo but she gets distracted being pissed off by sam and that should be her priority, right? sensei kreese is always going on abt getting back at the enemy. she spends her shifts daydreaming abt revenge bc it's more comforting than worrying abt past due bills and her mother looking paler by the day.

full moon next month comes around. neither tory nor max are cognizant of or during their first respective transformations. max's first kill is neil. she's seven feet of fur and fury, tears his ribcage open with claws like daggers and sinks her teeth into his putrid, maggoty heart. susan isn't home. billy is, but he doesn't hear any of the fracas. he's unconscious on the living room floor, crisscrossing impressions of neil's belt buckle blaring red on his back.

tory's first kill is sam. sam larusso wants to think she's a bully?? fine, tory will show her a bully. she hops the miyagi-do fence after hours. she just wants a fight. just a fight, they always fight. but then she's sprouting fur and tory as tory gives way to smth else. she'd not aware of being a person when she doesn't have fur. not really, all she knows is rage and ravenousness and the morsel below her has bunny rabbit wide eyes.

neither of them remember what they did the next day. not vividly, anyway. it's there but it's cloudy and hard to discern, like a groggy fever dream more than a memory. but max burps up neil's wedding band and tory finds señor octopus (sam's stuffed animal) bloodied in her bed. it's apparent what happened. max accepts this more easily than tory bc 1) she always kind of suspected she'd turn, since she sincerely considered what attacked them was a werewolf and 2) max isn't terribly upset abt killing neil while tory is acutely horrified she killed sam.

max kinda had some smidgen of attachment to neil bc like, he's the only father figure in her life and here and there they've had their moments. but his abuse (psychological/physical toward billy, sexual/financial/psychological/emotional toward susan, psychological/emotional toward herself) outweighed any and all of those moments. she is genuinely concerned that she tore a human being to pieces and only vaguely remembers it but like, if she had to kill anyone, she figures neil was the best to kill. max is mostly concerned bc she can't kill neil a second time. she's worried the next time she turns it could be an innocent person, or one of her friends, or her mom, or billy.

tory is blindsided and scarcely able to comprehend the reality, holy shit, max was right, she's a fuckin werewolf. and she's sick to her stomach bc she hated sam but she never wanted to do anything like that. she didn't want to kill, she just wanted to break her face. scare her. rough her up. she didn't want to eat her. she just killed someone. she's a literal horror movie monster and she just killed sam. what's miguel going to think?

tory and max talk. they decide they need to find the werewolf who turned them. we get montages of them going over the news articles with a fine-toothed *ba dum tss* comb and searching areas where it seems like a werewolf would be. the woods. some caves. max all of a sudden has a freakishly tall man constantly hounding her to join cobra kai. neil's gone but she still hesitates bc of lucas being in miyagi-do. also he believes max now and with the proff, she's decided to let the rest of the party in as well. they also exist in this 'verse. she showed them the crime scene and the wedding band she burped up. billy isn't a roid rage racist in this 'verse bc that would be a giant buzzkill. he doesn't believe the werewolf shit either. he thinks max saw neil get attacked by some animal and that the carnage was so traumatizing for her, she subconsciously created a werewolf fantasy to cope.

tory meanwhile spirals downward. bc she passes sam's memorialized locker in the hall everyday. her memorial table in the other hall, full of sticky note condolences and mournful teddy bears, and a picture of sam right in the center always, always accusing her. miggy is heartbroken and distraught. hawk didn't care for sam but even he's freaked out by what happened, how the news said there were only torn up chunks and bones picked clean found in her bedroom. tory is terrified of herself. she's desperate to find whoever did this bc she wants to make them pay. if sensei silver has been asking her extra questions lately and presenting her performance to the class more than normal, she doesn't notice at all. aisha notices tory's fucked up but tory can't exactly tell aisha that she *ate* sam. aisha is also mourning, she and sam used to be bffs. so she doesn't say a word.

max has a theory that if u can learn to control ur anger, u can learn to control urself when u shift. she is, after all, v familiar with angry horror movie werewolves. and she's savvy enough to know it's smth she and tory have in common. neil is dead but that doesn't mean max isn't angry anymore. she's still angry at the damage already done and tbh also angry that there's some werewolf around turning ppl willy nilly bc she recognizes the danger in that and it wasn't smth she consented to. but controlling ur anger is an easier feat for max than tory insofar that max has a support system w her friends, and better relationships with the remainder of her fam. tory has two mentors actively, adamantly teaching her and her friends to be ruthless, view the world as ur enemy, use violence as ur go-to solution, and that mercy is weakness not to be tolerated.

when the next full moon rolls around, they decide to spend it together under the correct inference that they will transform. they think it's better to be together. they're hoping they'll be able to control each other, if not themselves. or that if they are both mindless rage monsters again, that rage will be turned on each other. this would be a better outcome operating on the presumption that one werewolf will be able to take what another can dish out, at the v least more so than a regular human being.

max is successfully able to maintain enough of her consciousness to control her actions once transformed. she feels aggressive and hungry, but not enraged and ravenous. she can keep it in check. tory, on the other hand, uh...tory can't do it. she throws her wolf head back in the most bloodcurdling howl ever and takes off like a bat outta hell. max goes loping after her. they can't speak like human speak in this form, but max tries to communicate with her. whimpers plaintively. tackles tory at one point, not out of anger but just tryna subdue her, licks at her ears and tries to get her to settle. tory bucks her off.

tory runs off again, max in pursuit. they wind up at the skate park where billy n robby are prolly up to some fuckery or another. i could easily see pre miyagi-do robby n billy getting up to all kinds of mischief. ooh, actually, they're prolly arguing abt that. now that robby's in miyagi-do he has another outlet for all his energy and he's getting the positive attention he craves so he's not participating in hooligan activity or shenanigans w billy anymore and billy is like. offended. except suddenly there's werewolves. fucking. snarling, gigantic, toothy, hairy ass werewolves.

let's say robby kicked miguel down two stories in this 'verse too and tory recognizes him in her werewolf form even if she isn't exactly cognizant of herself. she tears straight for him, jaws open. billy doesn't exactly *mean* to protect him but it's kinda an automatic reaction from putting himself in between whenever he thought neil was getting too aggressive w susan or max. and like, sure, robby's the better fighter (not that billy would ever acknowledge this) but it's not like he's gonna karate kick the motherfuckin werewolf anyway-- billy is bigger, he's bigger and it's instinct and the next thing he knows, he's in between robby and the thing w sharp teeth (tory).

and that's when max gets serious. she bowls tory over, away from billy before she can bite. they're rolling, tearing at each other with teeth and claws. lo and behold, terry silver is lurking in the background like the evil mastermind he is, just watching them shred each other and evaluating his experiment. it's a p close match and tory is the more aggressive of the two but she's also been going, going, going since she shifted and she's burning herself out. she's also fighting with the blind instinct of a threatened animal while max maintains more precision bc she has better control of herself. max also isn't wasting energy unnecessarily. max gets her jaws around tory's throat and tory just goes slack. but she can think and she doesn't want to hurt tory, so she opens her mouth and relaxes her maw, teeth grazing harmlessly thru tory's fur.

tory's being shown mercy. possibly for the first time. it's so unlike her conception of others' ruthlessness, so unlike the worldview that's been instilled into her that it startles her enough to crack thru to her cognizance. she does the wolfy deference thing where they tuck their tails and lick at the dominant pack member's muzzle. max responds in kind and lets tory up.

this is when they notice terry lurking (billy's already worked out the werewolf that came to his defense is max so he's just dumbfounded watching all this shit, and robby's not abt to leave someone who just saved his ass, so he's stuck unsuccessfully tryna pull billy away and inevitably watching too). terry calmly slinks over, sizing up his charges. he's pleased with the performance. but tory and max are anything but, another werewolf fight ensues.

so while they all get huge after transforming sheerly on the basis of being werewolves, i'm gonna guess the size is proportionate to their human forms. so tory is a little larger than max and terry significantly outsizes them both. terry is also the more experienced werewolf. it's two against one but it's not the curbstop it would be if this was some weaksauce werewolf, it's dramatic evil karate werewolf terry fuckin silver. terry's shredding tf outta these two. their healing factor can't keep up, he's dishing out faster than either of them can recover and tbh they were already winded from fighting each other first.

but it'd be a major buzzkill if our movie had a downer ending. and also, the power of determination and friendship and shit. terry's got his jaws around max's throat now. he's a millisecond away from tearing it open. tory's pinned under him but she thinks fast, frees a hind leg, and rips her claws down his soft underbelly as deep as she can and doesn't stop ripping, like pedal kicking almost for a human, but with her hind claws. his intestines shoot out like paper snakes from a gag candy can!! okay, well, maybe they don't shoot out w that much gusto, but still. the bowels are free, the bowels are hanging low and tory's tearing 'em tf up, fluids n fecal matter errywhere. on tory. i'm sorry tory. ur under him, that's just how gravity works.

terry dies. healing factor can't keep up with the damage done, it's too critical. but nobody knows it's terry until the dawn breaks and he reverts back to his human shape.

max is v much 'i told u so,' in billy's face. robby promises not to tell. he doesn't want to get mauled or killed or anything. tory's able to cope better with what she did to sam knowing that it won't happen again, that she won't hurt anyone else she doesn't want to be she can control herself now. tory believes in mercy now bc max spared her, she trashes kreese's philosophy and joins eagle fang when johnny and daniel join forces in this 'verse too. max also joins eagle fang, takes her place in the front row right between tory and lucas at her v first practice.

credits roll.

after the credits we see tory considering turning her mother in the hopes that having the healing factor would help her mom's condition improve.

is that a teaser for the sequel?

idfk.

[reversecreek]

lily for magda (thinking about figs feeling evil), tulip for cricket, marigold for ziggy, chrysanthemum for bradley, belladonna for nyla

lily :   how does your muse view their mother ?  

magda doesn’t know a lot abt her mum. she knows vague snippets n details bt they’re all very elusive. it’s kind of a tricky subject where her mum’s concerned bc when she was younger she’d come up w all these assumptions abt how her mum was n who she’d be if she were with her but the rational part of magda was like..... u don’t know any of this. ur literally making things up. it’s kind of hard for a kid to have that vital person missing from their life n to resist the urge to fill in the blanks with their own projections so the space feels less empty. it’s like having a tooth missing n ur tongue always going back to poke at the spot in ur gum. there’s a constant reminder of loss in that. magda knows her mum liked to sing bc her dad said once she’d always sing to her belly when she was pregnant. this is a lot of the reason why magda has always cared so much abt music bc she took this fact in her fist n grasped it tight n never let go n in a way grew parts of herself around it. it’s like............. i feel like her mum dying in childbirth gave her lots of issues when it comes to her identity n like. who she is n who she wants to be.......... bc of magda’s issues w her dad i feel like she got into this habit growing up of rly putting who her mum could have been on a pedestal n basing everything around that.... she’d be like I’m More Like Her (a belief which was only accelerated bc her dad would drunkenly say she looked so much like her) n cling onto that so she liked herself more bc the other option was her dad who she loves but he’s also an incredibly flawed person n they hv a complicated relationship...... i think as she’s gotten older she’s realised her mum cld very well have been that way too n putting people on pedestals isn’t the way to go about things but. idk. as a kid she was kind of obsessed w this idea of her n this idea that her mum being gone was the beginning n end of everything wrong in her life. for the most part now magda accepts she never knew her n sometimes even feels stupid for grieving her at all bc she never knew her to grieve in the first place but. there’s a tiny part of magda tht still hangs on to the comfort of what she could have had n it’s obvious by the fact she still keeps a photograph of her folded up in her pillow. she loves the mum she made up in her head n she wishes she got to meet her. there’s this sense tht maybe then she wouldn’t feel like this culmination of missing parts more than a person if she’d had that in her life. sighs n lks away holding my dyed black emo bang.....

tulip :   how does your muse view people in general ?  

cricket is like. the strangest little anomaly of a person FGHKSFGHSFKGH bc like. u would rly think that after everything he’s been thru he would just have this absolutely jaded view of people and life in general and i wouldn’t even......... blame him for it if he did like. i’d understand completely bc he’s experienced A Lot of bad stuff. n yet somehow he just.... idk. i think i wrote in a reply once this comparison of cricket n a cockroach in the sense that they have this incredibly reinforced exoskeleton n even if they’re stomped flat they can keep living n bounce back from it n that’s very him but it’s more specifically the hope inside him. he has this little candle lit that good things can still happen midst all of the terrible things n i genuinely can’t see it snuffing out at any point even tho sometimes he might want it to. sometimes i think he even gets into these frames of mind where it jst infuriates the fk out of him bc in his head he’s like why do u even think good shit can happen when u have sm overwhelming evidence to the contrary but then he’s also like. look u can dwell on the bad or u can notice the way the light falls thru the leaves in the trees and u can think to urself inside ur head as u listen to someone u love talking abt something that makes them happy ‘hey this feeling is nice n there’s a dozen others like it’. idk. against all odds he’s an optimist. he has tinnitus in his left ear n sometimes he pretends the ringing is angels trying to talk to him. he likes to search for the silver linings in things to make them bearable n that’s how he gets by. obviously he knows there’s evil in the world n that a lot of people can be shit bc he has firsthand experience w that but he also believes there are people to serve as the antithesis to that n he wants to focus on them bc like. why give bad stuff the time of day. not necessarily always a positive coping mechanism (if u bottle up bad feelings n thoughts they leak thru one way or another aka his overwhelming anxiety) but like.... i think there’s a lot of bravery in that n i respect him for it i won’t lie. he cld have become very bitter bt instead he’s like that quote that’s like 'the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it'. suddenly slaps his little anxious rump (supportive) (affectionate)

marigold :   is your muse prone to jealousy ?  how might they handle envious feelings ?  

it’s hard to say w ziggy............... i feel like he doesn’t want to think he’s prone to jealousy bc he’s like i’m literally a god wdym i simply wld never give a fk bc i know i’m above all else................. but like. do u actually believe that ziggy. do u. FKGJHKSJGHFGSHFGKSHGKFHG. he’s good at convincing himself at least........... has me fooled too most of the time. bt. thinks abt this.............. i feel like he doesn’t tend to get jealous over ppl he hooks up w a lot of the time bt there’s definitely a few select ppl he might.......... n then he doesn’t rly know what that feeling is bc he’s so unused to feeling it so he’s like wtf why am i so fking pissed off over the thought of this person fking that person? like literally doesn’t even. connect the dots n make the logical conclusion bc it jst seems so bizarre n nonsensical to him. rly is awful at working out his own feelings like. he cld just suddenly explode one day n have to smash a bunch of shit in a junkyard n after his chest is heaving n he has all this broken stuff around him n he’s just like yo wtf was that man forreal lmfaoooooooooo..... like he just doesn’t even get how his own emotions work it’s tragic n it’s men for u. w anxious feelings he represses them a lot he doesn’t rly understand what they r or know how to recognise them........... i honestly feel like he has a lot of anxiety surrounding his mum esp w her dating n like some of the guys they’ve both had to deal w that she’s dated in the past.......... i doubt he processes that healthily or expresses it healthily either..... probably contributes to the tensions between him n his mum they hv a lot of underlying issues that come out in the form of bickering n petty disagreements...... probably a huge contributor to him acting out so terribly in high skl was just all this pent up worried energy with no means of making sense of itself or like. place to go. like shaking a coke bottle over n over n finally having to crack the lid n let it fizz on something. i also think he probably swallowed a lot of jealousy growing up whenever other kids had gd relationships w their fathers or parents in general probably ws kind of like lmfaooooo yo why don’t mine love me like that. in his head...... so ya. i think he copes w anxious feelings by acting out n also fucking if we’re being honest......... it helps him let off steam <3 king of clapping cheeks ig....

chrysanthemum :   how does your muse express romantic love ?  how do they feel about love as a concept ?  

bradley is kind of hard to read romantically like from an outside perspective but slides on my thin rimmed spectacles n picks up my scalpel to delve right in to the nitty gritty of her brain... omg... that sounded... kind of scary actually but. it’s ok. basically settles in. bradley struggles to verbalise her feelings in this regard but also in a general sense honestly.... like she’s spent a lifetime having any vulnerable or negative feeling shut down....... her dad’s the type of personality where it’s like... u can’t win. even tho he’s narcissistic n thinks he’s a god if u compliment him or express affection he’ll act pleased but there’ll also be this register in his eyes where he thinks less of u for it. so this rly had a domino effect in bradley’s emotional expression in all grounds of life...... romance is probably the most frivolous concept to tony so bradley definitely internalised some of these views n wld feel stupid for ever taking anything seriously in that regard or rly investing herself..... she also just. idk. love has only ever left bite marks in bradley’s world so she’d kind of like ‘why wld i ever expose my tender spots n open myself up to someone just so they can sink their teeth in’. i will say tho that like. despite that she can in rare instances develop those feelings n it’s always like..... quite a struggle for her when she does. she doesn’t rly understand it or how to deal w it. she finds talking about it hard n she feels childish or weak in the eyes of whoever knows how she’s feeling. it takes a long time n a lot of work to earn it bt bradley in love is like. ur the only person on the planet who knows how gentle she can b. she’d literally like. touch the face of this one guy i wrote her being in love w when he was sad so gently it was shocking it ws like a love tht deep unlocked a whole other part of her she didn’t know existed. sex is a big part of her love expression jst like. a lot of it. so much. JHGSFKHGSFGKHFKGSHG let’s get it.......... she’s a ride or die n doesn’t do anything in halves. she has a nasty habit of pushing good things away n also wld probably do this to protect the other person bc her world is a never ending shit show with her father’s presence in every room even when he isn’t physically there. she wldn’t wna subject someone she loved to the danger of that bc she hates it enough herself so. idk. smiles w hand on hip. love isn’t something bradley thinks is on the menu fr her bc she’s only ever known it to be hard or mean n why bother trying when that’s the case. it feels like there’s always small print attached tht will hurt her in the end n nothing is free or genuine. very doomed outlook on love in general tbh.

belladonna :   how does your muse respond to silence ?   do they take comfort in soundlessness ,   or seek to fill the void with noise ?  

nyla honestly doesn’t mind silence at all........ they always wake up rly early in the morning no matter what time they went to bed. it’s like someone programmed an oven timer into their brain n often when they wake up at 6am or something they’ll go on walks around irving tottering in their own little world which is quite a quiet experience in itself when the rest of the world’s asleep........... always off on impromptu adventures they came up w on the spot.......... sometimes they get lost in their own train of thought too so they just randomly fall silent bc they’re having a whole conversation w themselves inside their head or like. writing a whole children’s story abt an iguana in a trench coat floating in a hot air balloon smoking a little vintage pipe all the way to peru. honestly for every 1 thing nyla says there’s about 4987295749572592745 things they don’t say tht are x100 times stranger n more nonsensical they sort of let it all drift thru their head like an open sieve for the most part. having said tht i think in order to sleep at night they probably need some sort of white noise or smthn................. it’s handy living in a beach house bc they just leave the window open to let the ocean gush bt sometimes if they’ve snuck into like. mido’s bed fr the night or someone’s bed idk the sound of them breathing works too................. they used to always sleep w bob ross playing on loop n that was rly comforting to them esp bc he reminds them a lot of their dad w his calming voice n energy.............. sometimes they’d have taken smthn n they’d literally hallucinate it as their dad instead of bob ross n this happened so many times in a row fr a period of time tht when they finally watched it sober they were like wtf since when did they recast my dad in this show...... KJHFGSHFGKSHFKGH but also. frowns... bit sad considering. 

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[welcometotheocverse]

Who would be friends with - Regina Gilmore, Grace Kim, and Richie Gilmore? 🥺

Regina Gilmore

Elliot would be friends with her I think, he might be a bit nervous because of his and Emily’s relationship ( Emily often very obviously prefers Rory because El sides with his mom and disapproves of how they treat her especially in s1) but once he figures out she’s nice and especially  because Friday Night Dinners give him hella anxiety he’d see her as a friend and family and probably bond with her pretty fast. I can see him lighting up when he sees her and forming a bond with her like he does with @randomestfandoms-ocs ‘s Sophie. Especially because they both go to Chilton. El would also be super supportive of her dating Grace ( since he and Lane are pretty close he’d probably know Grace too) and she’d probably be one of the first people he comes out to. 

Kit is also good at charming people and getting along with them ( he takes after his mamma) and would be pretty psyched he has an aunt that’s also his age. He isn’t thrilled about being at Chilton or the Friday Night Dinners ( he’s not academic like Rory so he has uh...less Emily And Richard Aprove..ness ( Kit: yeah that’s a thing now) ) but he’d love Regina and getting to see her. I can see them becoming friends.

Hope would  adore her and also since I get the feeling your Emily and Richard are nicer and we would merge verses in an xover I think it would actually lead to her reconnecting with  her parents sooner ;A;. ( in her canon it kind of ...yoyos as she’s mainly there to call them out on how they treat Lorelai) She’d very much try her best to get along with them for Hope as she does for Lorelai and Rory and be super supportive of her baby sister like if anyone looks crooked at her she’ll bring a house down on them omg. Also they have similar tastes from having grown up in the Gilmore household. Also the Power they would have together omg im here for it.

Amelia would like her because she’s family and Amelia’s a pretty kind kid. I can see her keeping in contact with Regina even as her own relationship with her grandparents is a bit on the rocks at times ( the wedding episode’s...gonna be rough for her) and she would be so interested in getting to know her and think she’s p awsome. She’d also support her and Grace and probably squeal when they get together. ( because it means Regina would be around stars hollow more often and she loves her and Grace and they’re happy ) 

Noah because he’s a good boyfriend to Rory and would get to know her family. Noah’s a pretty chill dude so he gets along with people easily and they both have hearts of gold. He would also know Grace since he goes to Stars Hollow High and would be happy for them. I’m not sure if he goes to Yale yet but I do know he visits Rory there and of course eventually  fall for Logan so I can see them being in the same circles at times and keeping in contact.

Grace Kim

Elliot!: Elliot is close to Lane and would definitely be friends with Grace too. He might actually be closer to her than Lane because his whole thing is he feels isolated being one of the few not-straight ppl he knows of in Stars Hollow and he’d definitely be supportive of her dating Regina and be there to make sure she knows her happiness matters if Mama Kim doesn’t approve. 

Kit like Elliot would have grown up with her and gets along with Lane so he’d be friends with Grace too! They could bond over going heart eyes for Hartford socialites lol ( Regina for Grace and Tristan for Kit) and Kit would be supportive of her writing like a lot and sibling adopt her like he does Lane.

Lily since she grew up with Rory and Lane would know Grace and be friends with her. She’s a bit prickly but she’s incredibly ride or die and since they would have met as kids, Grace would pretty much be in her circle and have seen her when she was less so. 

Amelia would be friends with her since she considers Lane family and would think her writing is so cool. She’d be super supportive of her dating Regina since  she’d see her as family already. Also Amelia likes songwriting so I can see them bonding over that.

Noah since he goes to Stars Hollow High and would be in Rory’s ( and Lane’s) orbit. They don’t have too many interests in common but I still think they’d still be friends. 

Richie Gilmore

Elliot! Listen I’ve thought about them being brothers a lot and it’d be so stinking cute. El is younger by a few minutes but they confide in each other and El would actually come around to support his decision to date Paris because yeah she’s mean to him and Brad but “you’re my brother Rich of course I want you to be happy.” El also has a pretty bitter view of Cristopher despite him being a soft aro ace fluff so they could bond over that. Also they both love Andrew’s bookstore and are into STEM careers. 

Kit would get along with him and support his as he does Rory. Kit’s a bit chaotic so I feel like who’s older wouldn’t matter lol but they’re brothers and Kit would be very ride or die for Richie. 

Lily since she grew up around Rory would see Richie as a sibling too. He’d be one of the few people she opens up to and would absolutely love him. Especially because he learns to cook from Sookie I can see them hanging out and bonding. He’ be one of the few people she isn’t angry/defensive around and they could bond over how much they hate their fathers. 

Sophia: Since she runs away from Harford around season 1 I can see her bonding with Richie. She had a pretty lonely childhood and had no siblings ( I mean Lorelai but hella distant for obvious reasons) and she bonds pretty quickly with Rory in her own canon. She’d probably be a bit jealous that her parents like him and Rory so much when her own relationship is strained with them but over all she’d see him as family. And she very much wants family. 

Noah because  he’s a good boyfriend to Rory Noah would make it a point to get to know Richie and I can see them getting along tbh. Noah’s a pretty chill dude and he needs friends who don’t really know him as “the Doose kid that had a meltdown” thanks to the town humor mill lol. They could be soft disaster boys together ;A;

Henry would love him as we’ve said before these two would wind up adopting each other. He ends up loving going to Andrew’s bookstore when he settles into the town so I can see them finding each other there and Henry just lighting up at seeing Richie. 

Hope would love him like she does Lorelai and Rory and be very much “if anyone so much as looks as this kid crooked I will end them.” She’d make it a point to encourage his dreams and ask about how he’s doing. 

Amelia would adore her big brother to pieces, thought she’d be able to pick up on his feelings about her being Luke’s bio kid. As far as she’s concerned he and Rory are his siblings no question. She also would admire the fact that he tells Lorelai and Luke to get it together because boy howdy do the arguments between those two give her whiplash sometimes. 

Here’s the Gilmore Girls Masterlist!

Send me one of your ocs and I’ll tell you which of mine would be friends with them

[tonyglowheart]

I saw that you, too, hate the "stygian" translation of "yin" for the tiger seal in MDZS. It felt so out of place when I saw it for the first time; it's hardly a common english word to start with, and since it fundamentally means "relating to the river Styx", it feels like a very mixed metaphor in context. Considering CQL made yin iron into a Thing, I don't see why they couldn't have used "yin" again; for the other media translations, "dark" could have worked fine afaik.

I think the reason it was chosen was for the “underworld” connotations, and probably the meaning of 阴 chosen was more of the 阴间 one, vs like... the whole host of linguistic & cultural connotations that 阴 ties into.

My opinion on why/how this came to be (based not so much on direct research as my impressions) is that the issues are several-fold. 阴间 yinjian, meaning underworld, actually is sometimes - especially in older sources - translated to “Hades,” by way of indicating, I suppose, the realm of the underworld that is not the Christian “heaven” or “hell.” My opinion of where this arises from, is from an older generation of sinologists who are comprised mainly of white men, and in a time where I’d say Grecian culture & Greek myth is fairly normalized as “classic,” and to which these white men might draw parallels for translation, kind of like how when white food bloggers talk about “ethnic” foods they do things like “sort of like a cross between a burger burger and a taco with vibrant ethnic spices” i.e. relate it back to something “familiar.” I’d like to think academia is... if not quite there, then at least getting to a place where it’s more aware of its biases, and there are more ppl challenging certain biases, and so there’s more... hm, ethical? I’m going to say ethical - ethical behavior in dealing with cultures. I do think if you look at older sources - academic or otherwise - there’s definitely places where people have just. straight-up made shit up to fit whatever narrative they were trying to tell, whereas now I’d like to think people are more likely to mention what they don’t know, and frame their speculations as such. But the point being, it is in this kind of environment, and esp with a lot of... imo unfortunate “precedent,” and esp if you’re pulling from older EN>CN/CN>EN dictionaries, you can get these unfortunate and, imo, less nuanced & culturally aware “definitions.” 

And tbh, I think the fact that English is a heavily Christianized language, isn’t always... very obvious to people? Especially if they live in a region where English may be a primary or even secondary language, but the culture isn’t English or American. And their experiences aren’t invalid, and connotations are a difficult needle to thread anyway, but then I think certain translations still create more issues than they solve when you take English’s linguistic history into consideration.

Coming back to MDZS, I think “stygian” was chosen out of, like, less awareness of English linguistic definitions but also connotations, and perhaps with less concern of linguistic colonization (which I’m more sensitive to as diaspora in the US than someone who is in Asia and isn’t a "minority” there). It... potentially could be a valid translation, but I still think it creates more problems than it solves, and when we bring in CQL, I think it gets very interesting. Because the reason “stygian” remained in MDZS, imo, is because.. honestly I think Tencent’s subs were “community subs” lmao, meaning whoever got there first to submit subtitles, was able to do that, and then after a while Tencent “locked” the subs, which is why you get. such ridiculous weird subs in the “official” subs. And the reason “Stygian” remained, and also got carried over to GoodSmile, is bc it already existed in the general popular conception :’) But since yin iron is a new concept, ppl were translating it from scratch. In which case, you can see that... they in fact just kept it yin. Which I think strengthens my case of “it should just be Yin Tiger Seal/Amulet/etc” lmao

tbh I don’t think “dark” works bc I think that, again, removes a lot of tie-in cultural meanings/aspects, the way “stygian” narrows the box of interpretation too into one specific aspect.

I also don’t love stygian bc when you have stygian & “demonic” combined, it has ppl thinking that the MDZS construction is a lot more “hell” in the “classic” (read: Christian) sense than it really is :’)

[vcsecretgifts]

Hi! I’ve never taken part before, but I would be very interested in doing so this round. I would prefer to take part in sfw prompts

(Edited this for a few grammatical errors and to clarify my responses a bit better)

Response from mod @i-want-my-iwtv: Excellent! Yep, we’re thinking of keeping this SFW, and perhaps starting up a separate kin/kmeme. 

This ask was re: a possible 2020 VC Secret Spring/Summer Santa, which got a surprising amount of support! 

…so we’re working on it behind the scenes, hopefully will have a setup and signups deadline soon! Responses to the tags/comments on that post below.

Just looking at that gif above, SUCH SIMPLER TIMES. I miss the days when our biggest fandom arguments were so fictionally indulgent and inconsequential, like Louis’ hair length and texture SIIIIIGH THOSE.WERE.THE.DAYS. 

——

@orangedarcy: Can I ask just a general question about fic posting in the VC fandom?  I know most fic is now posted on AO3, but is there another more community driven place like LiveJournal used to be? I have fallen so far behind on the fic world, where does one post stories these days? Is it all here on Tumblr or is it mainly AO3 now?

Very good question. AO3 is the main place for just fic, some comment threads there, and ppl sometimes posted drabbles here on tumblr, and there are roleplayers here who do threads that are like collaborative fics… you can check my #RP tag to try to find them, but I admit I am out of date myself having taken a big step back from tumblr to focus on real life. 

There were LJ-esque places on Dreamwidth long before Tumblr, and I believe they’re all abandoned except for VC-Media where I’m a mod. You can find it through @vcmedia, ppl do post fic there, mods post drabble prompts weekly, and there have been some wonderfully lively times!

I had started the VC-Media tumblr blog a few yrs ago when we (the mods) wanted to try directing some traffic to the DW comm, to bring in some fresh blood (pun intended), but I hadn’t promoted it much bc I didn’t want the tumblr anti-shippers and/or trolls flooding it and trampling ppl. At that time, I had seen the antis in other fandoms choosing targets to bully on tumblr and twitter, using social justice window-dressing that was really only about them wanting attention. In our fandom, I’d seen similar bad-faith arguments over problematic characters/ships and I didn’t want to engage with it or invite it to a comm setting, bc that’s not what fandom is about for me.

Not to go on a rant here but I need to say it: Criticism is going to happen, and everyone has a right to criticize media. What was lost for a few years there is the concept that no one owes you their time or engagement in a conversation, especially not one in which one side demands complete submission from the other, and nothing less. Whether or not the criticism is the “One True Interpretation,” no one owes you their time or engagement. 

That’s still a concern of mine, but I am confident that my wonderful co-mods of VC-Media are ready to freeze comments and ban ppl who attempt to bully others or provoke arguments in bad faith.

There are a few other obscure places, but I don’t like to promote them publicly, bc they have little traffic, or are older, or I’d rather that AR not be aware just in case she changes her stance on fanfic (she had waged war on it in the 90s).

So that was a long answer but AO3 is probably the best if all you want is just finding fic to read, but please check out VC-Media to post your fic and have a lively discussion, it’s still thirsty for fresh blood! 

@the-disgruntled-vc: I would like to participate but I don’t know what I have to do.

We’re not sure what the setup will be yet, but we appreciate your enthusiasm! We’ll post about it when we’ve decided and then you can choose to participate.

@the-disgruntled-vc: NYC is hell in a handbasket right now. 😰

I knowwww. I left NYC on 3/17, with 2 pairs of pants and 2 tops. I’m with my parents about 5 hours away. Wearing my dad’s clothes now :,-} Strange times.

@annabellioncourt: I’m not sure I want to commit to a direct gift exchange, but if it was done as an inktober style prompt filling thing, and we could just tag it/submit it as we did it, then maybe? I’m not sure what kind of free time I’ll have in the upcoming months as I job hunt.

Totally understandable, and I like your suggestions! We want to be able to accommodate ppl in your situation, so this is a good thing for us to keep in mind. Good luck in the job hunt! If running an awesome tumblr blog was a job, you’d be all set ;D

@amelthebravennian: //I would truthfully enjoy doing it!

We would love to have you back!

requiemforrose: Count me in. I need something to help my anxiety over the current climate

YES THATS EXACTLY THE POINT ^________^

@lestatthebiprince: Sign me up for the gift exchange!!

YASSSSS (let’s hope you still want to if we change the format ;D )

@pour-some-aspartame-on-me: I would be interested in participating in the vc secret gifts

Awesome! Would love to have you!

@desanctii: //I’d be in favor. this time around I even have the time to participate ;)

We need you for those Santino prompts! 

@amadeo-child-of-the-renaissance: //Count me in for the kink (obvs) XD

We love to see enthusiasm for the kin/kmeme… And your art is just *chef’s kiss*

@good-night-kick‘s tags: #great idea :3#It would be a good chance for me to get an excuse to draw art properly… I haven’t been drawing so much recently

Yes! We love your art and your comics and we need more of it, how can a person be so talented and so hilarious in their artwork, too?? Did you make a deal with the devil? (Sign me up.)

[1kook]

rotten

‣Kim Namjoon x (F) Reader

summary⇁ How bold of him to stick his nose where it doesn’t belong, as if his presence alone doesn’t contribute to the distance your father places between the two of you. tags⇁enemies to lovers, strict but caring parents, daddy issues, bodyguard!au if u squint, mafia!au kinda, depictions of fight scenes, attempted molestation (nothing too traumatic), joon’s shady past that I don't even bother explaining lmao, teensy bit of angst, daddy kink, pillow talk, dry humping, unprotected sex, use of the pull-out method wc⇁12.3k !

this fic was....two moch..... also no i don't proofread I'm lazy :/ also ppl on mobile i swear theres a read more I'm srry

-

Despite your generally mild temper, nothing seemed to rile you up as much as the sight of Kim Namjoon on a Tuesday afternoon, easily breezing by the tight security that had been hassling you for over fifteen minutes now. He’d swept through the room like a spirit, not even a single eyelash batting his way, as they all seemed to be consumed with keeping you out of the bourgeoisie office that sat behind the rich mahogany doors.

Your father’s office, where he had explicitly warned you against visiting since you were a child, too busy to fret over you being in such an environment. Admittedly, it’s a concern many parents in his line of work have, but that doesn’t stop you from fighting tooth and limb every once and a while to come see him. He’d always been adamant that you stay away, desperately trying to isolate you from the terrors that usually came with his career in hopes of giving you the happy childhood you deserved. Despite how sheltered and spoiled he’d raised you, the curiosity that had first nestled its way into your brain as a kid never went away, which is how you find yourself stuck in this situation. 

Your eyes flicker over towards Kim Namjoon, casually glancing out the floor to ceiling glass panels that decorate the entire level of your dad’s building as he chomps on a donut, who is not technically the root of your strife, but someone who does play a pretty significant role in worsening your situation. 

He was your father’s prized protégé, a man not that much older than you, who had somehow been deemed worthy of being accepted into your very exclusive hierarchy, despite not having any blood connection to the family behind it. In fact, Kim Namjoon hadn’t had any sort of ties to anywhere when your father had first found him, so tragically young and broody after fighting in the underground (and winning) for the third night in a row. He was an oddity, everyone thought, because someone so smart and disgustingly handsome had no place among the heathens your father typically took under his wing. 

Unlike you, who strived everyday to finally be allowed into the family business, Kim Namjoon had easily slithered his stuck-up ass in, not necessarily becoming your father’s righthand man, but by the way your father treated him, he might as well have been. 

“Let me in,” you calmly breathe, the annoyance that had been caught in your throat doubling as you watch the fucker from the corner of your eye, his lean frame hugged tight by the custom pristine suit your father had gotten him for New Year’s. At your voice, his attention seems to finally snap in your direction, lips quietly munching through the donut as he analyzes your situation. 

Your can tell your father’s henchman are growing more and more anxious with every second you linger there, the strict orders from the boss weighing heavily down on them. Though you hadn’t inherited your father’s business—yet, you reminded yourself—you had certainly taken after his stubborn personality. “Sorry, Miss,” the absolute brute flounders, and the way he’s so gentle around you reminds you of the rampant sexism that goes on in this business, which only serves to fuel your anger. 

You’re about to spew off some degrading rhetoric about how people like him are only useful for their strength, when a smooth voice beats you to it. “Let her in,” Namjoon orders, and it takes everything in you not to jump when he suddenly appears beside you. Damn, he was good. 

Your jaw twitches as you watch him stare down the main guard, until the bigger man averts his gaze, stepping to the side. An awkward pause fills the room, and you should be grateful for Namjoon’s help, but instead, all you can think about is how you shouldn’t have to rely on him of all people for any type of assistance. 

He pushes the heavy door open, gesturing for you to step inside. You brush by without so much as a thanks, finally stepping foot inside your father’s office. Said man whirls around with a beaming smile on his face, one that is wiped off by the sight of you. Judging by the fact Kim Namjoon was lingering outside his office, you can more or less take a wild guess that your father was expecting him. 

“Sweetie,” your dad startles, jumping out of his leather seat as he rounds the desk on his charge to you. He grasps you by the arms, eyes analyzing over every part of your face for any signs of injury. “What are you doing here?” He interrogates once he’s completed his thorough inspection, eyes flickering back towards the door that Namjoon softly shuts. 

“I came to see you,” you say, voice meek and shy as you glance around the office you’ve so rarely visited before. You knew your father’s worries were justified, and the sheer terror that had consumed his face at the sight of you being in such a place fills you with both glee and guilt. 

Your father’s lips twitches upwards, only for a brief moment, before he’s schooling his features into the stoic expression he often wears around people he’s about to kill. You guess this is the same. “___, honey,” he exhales, stepping away from you as he adjusts his tie, “you know you’re not supposed to be here.”

Your mouth drop into a frown, and you try to protest. “I get it,” he cuts off, “and I’m flattered you want to visit me.” His words sound too formal and rehearsed, part of you wants to scream. “But you know you’re strictly banned from coming here alone.” 

Your lower lip trembles, because you’ve always naturally sought out your father before anyone else, a true princess from the get-go, and to see him push you away like this tears you apart. Before you can give some immature reply to defend yourself, someone else steps in for you. 

“If you don’t mind the interruption, sir,” Kim Namjoon says, face perfectly masked from any emotion as he carefully evaluates the situation in the same way your father does. Your father seems just as surprised as you to see him so calmly butt into your very intimate conversation, except he watches Kim Namjoon in awe. On the other hand, all you see is red. 

How bold of him to stick his nose where it doesn’t belong, as if his presence alone doesn’t contribute to the distance your father places between the two of you. He probably sees Namjoon as an adopted son, you presume, one he’s always wanted because he’s a thousand times more willing to thrust a boy into the mess that are his work affairs, than to teach his daughter the ways. 

You’re so caught up in your mental tirade against Kim Namjoon that you almost don't catch his next words. 

“I would not be opposed to escorting Miss ____ between your office and home,” he offers, and you completely gawk at his sudden charity. “Of course, only if you would like me to, sir.” You absolutely would not like him to!

You father, on the other hand, absolutely beams at Namjoon’s proposition, completely impressed by such a noble offering made by his star pupil. His detached expression shifts into an array of emotions, first impressed by Namjoon, before turning to send a softer, fonder gaze your way. 

“That won’t be necess-”

“I can always count on you, my boy!” Your father praises, slapping one arm down on Namjoon’s bicep, as the other lurches forward to profusely shake his hand. You don’t doubt this is a regular routine he has stored for whenever Namjoon does anything notable. 

His attention soon lands on you, and you’re surprised when he lunges forward to grasp your hands in his, eyes excited in a way you’ve never seen before. “Isn’t that perfect, sweetie? This way, you can come spend time with me without the possibility of danger!” 

Truthfully, you know Kim Namjoon’s offer is probably going to save the rocky relationship between you and your father. Namjoon wasn’t your father’s protégé for no reason; he was possibly the strongest fighter your faction had seen in years, though his strength lied beyond his physical capabilities. He was disturbingly intelligent, his ‘street smarts’ extending into professional education as well, both of which became valuable assets applicable to any situation he may encounter. 

But the same irritation builds in the back of your throat, so sick and tired of others babying you when you don’t need it. You’re perfectly capable of traveling between here and your house on your own. Screw some glorified bodyguard. 

You purse your lips in the most genuine smile you can muster, and huff out an overly cheery, “yup!”

You’d taken the train to come see your father, forgoing the option of one of your many personal driver’s because you knew they’d all refuse to bring you here. However, your father is quick to put Namjoon’s newest task in motion, ushering the two of you out of his office before you can hammer out any details of what exactly this new arrangement will entail. 

Kim Namjoon is as mysterious as ever as he leads you towards the elevator, waiting for you to step in first, before sending the two of you into the underground garage parking. You refuse to break the ice inside the elevator, instead taking in his stern reflection on the elevator’s mirrored panels. 

Ugh. 

He’s unfairly handsome, silvery locks casually brushed aside to perfectly frame the curves of his face. His skin looks pillowy soft, and had you not had a raging hatred for him harbored inside your chest, you would’ve stuttered at the pink tongue that peeks out to glide over his plump lips. 

The elevator dings and you follow him across the garage until you reach a sleek Mercedes coupe, the lights automatically flashing on as you step closer to it. Before you can make a move, Namjoon opens the back door, stepping aside to allow you in. You roll your eyes, huffing your way inside the seat as you watch him round the car and settle into the driver’s seat. 

As you’re tugging on your seatbelt, his silky voice fills the car. “Which home am I escorting you to today, miss?”

You grit your teeth, pushing the buckle into place with more force than necessary. “My apartment uptown,” you mutter, petulantly crossing your arms over your chest. 

For a moment, you catch his brows furrowing in confusion, as he chooses his next words carefully. “You do not wish to be taken to the family home in the suburbs?” He asks, and you roll your eyes at the way he manages to sound just as composed. 

“No, I have things to do tonight,” you frown, tugging your phone out to confirm the evening’s plans with your girlfriends. You’re immediately met with a slew of gleeful texts, which you take the time to respond to as Namjoon pulls out of the parking lot. He’s silent for the remainder of the car ride, save for when he asks you for your address. You wrinkle your nose in annoyance as you begrudgingly give it to him, before your attention returns to your buzzing device. 

You’d been planning on going out to celebrate your friend’s recent promotion at work, giddy at the thought of finally seeing all your friends for the first time in a few weeks. The plan was to head to the exclusive club downtown, in an area your father had strictly forbade you from visiting. But the rumors were too much for you to ignore, and you finally gave in to your friends’ invitations. 

Namjoon pulls up in front of your tall building, though he doesn’t immediately unlock the door for you to get out. He doesn't turn to face you as he informs you, “your father would like for you to visit at least once a week, and had requested that you notify me of any visits at least one day prior.”

You scoff, and tug the handle for him to let you out. 

However, it seems Namjoon has more to say. “He is also aware of your plans to sneak into a club on the south side tonight.” Your breath catches in your throat, and you whirl around to catch his steely gaze through the rearview mirror. “He says you are not allowed to go, but,” Namjoon says, and his monotonous tone of voice makes you want to punch him in that beautiful face of his. “If you do decide to go against his rules, just know that there are people there who do not take too kindly to our family, and would not hesitate to let you know as much.”

The door clicks in the background, and you waste no time throwing it open. You glare back at him once more. “You are not part of my family,” you spit.

“Damn!” Jisoo wolf whistles as she watches you step out of the apartment building Namjoon had dropped you off at not even five hours ago. You ignore your friend’s obnoxious catcalls as you hop into the backseat of Sojin’s car, immediately bombarded by the rest of your goofy friends’ exclamations. 

“You guys are annoying,” you laugh, buckling your seatbelt just as Sojin speeds off, ignoring the honks from cars around her. “How are we getting in?” You inquire, skipping over any formalities. 

Jisoo shrugs, toying with the radio before finally settling on a station she approves of. “Mm, I haven't thought of it yet,” she casually says, and your eyes pop out of their sockets. She knew how nervous to were about tonight, especially since your father had first warned you against going anywhere near this particular district. You’d been hoping she’d made some plans for the group of you to get in. 

“Jisoo, don't be mean” Sojin scolds, seemingly set on going as fast as she can without catching the attention of any late night police. “You know how ____’s dad is.”

You’re thankful someone understands, and Jisoo eventually relents, informing you all that she has some connections to the owners of the club, and that you would all be guaranteed access inside. You can finally breathe easy, settling into the backseat conversation as Jisoo continues pestering Sojin; you have no doubt in your mind that she had her own little pregame while getting ready. 

It’s not long before the car pulls up in front of the club, you and your girls stepping onto unknown territory for the first time. Or, at least, your first time. The exhilaration that comes with disobeying your father’s rules (real rules, not like the stupid don’t come see me rules) makes you vibrate in place, so giddy and excited that you almost stumble over the curb upon stepping out. 

“Chill out,” Sojin laughs, pushing you in the direction of the entrance line, before Jisoo guides you off path, towards where two mammoth bouncers check IDs. You don’t have to worry about any of that, Jisoo simply flashing the two men an innocent smile as they let your group shuffle inside. 

The moment the door swings open, you’re hit with the overwhelming aura that comes with almost every nightclub. The same old vulgar vibe that you’ve been mingling with since you’d first become an adult, the raunchy music a familiar tune as you pushed your way through the packed bodies, gliding and pushing against each other. 

Despite the pounding acoustics, you don’t miss the low whistle Jisoo lets out as she files closely behind you, dainty fingers gripping your arm. “Check that out,” she shouts, dragging one arm up to point at an absolutely gorgeous man sitting at the bar. He’s stunning, you think, and by the looks of it, everyone else seems to think so as well. His dark hair is fanned over his forehead, brushing over his brows as his eyes scan carefully across the dance floor. For a moment, you think they might’ve landed on you, but judging by the sultry chuckle you hear in your ear, you know the inviting grin he flashes is for the pretty girl behind you. “Well don’t mind if I do,” Jisoo mumbles, slowly slipping away from you to saunter over towards the beautiful man at the bar. 

Her departure leaves you by your lonesome, you realize, your friends immediately separating to find their own fun for their night. Just as you resign yourself to babysitting duty (which you don’t really mind), there’s a soft graze against your elbow, making you jump. 

“Smells like weed in here,” Mina huffs, button nose wrinkling as she seems to root herself in place beside you. You snort, mindlessly wandering towards the opposite end of the bar as you continue mingling with your friend. “You know, I think my expectations for this place where a little too high,” she sighs, swirling whatever drink she’d ordered in her cup sadly. 

“Why? I think it’s nice,” you comment, flagging down the bartender to ask for a stronger drink. You listen to her as she goes on to complain about the club, citing her past experiences in better places to prove her point. You can sort of understand her, her disinterest slowly convincing you that you too have seen better clubs, her arguments becoming more and more convincing with every drink she throws back, you slowly following her example. 

Just as she’s whining about the terrible music, her words are suddenly cut short. “Holy fuck,” she gasps, and your eyes follow her gaze, struggling to see whatever has managed to cut your usually chatterbox of a friend off, but all you see are the obnoxiously flashy strobe lights in your eyes. 

“What is it?” You ask, squinting into the far side of the club, near the VIP booths, but all you see are people you don’t recognize. 

“___,” she whines, doe eyes clouding over with want as she seems to have zeroed in on what is probably her dream man. Suddenly, she snaps to attention, determined eyes locking on yours. “I need to suck his dick.”

Your splutter, hand almost knocking down your drink as she tugs you out of your seat and towards whoever her mystery man might be. “This is a you thing!” You hiss, trying to pull out of her grasp, but the power of a tiny drunk girl seems ridiculously Hulk-like. 

“So? What if he likes you?” Your eyes widen. “I would never live with myself if I deprived you of such a fine dick.”

“You don’t even know him! I can’t even see him!” You screech, a sudden lull in the music making your words seem too loud inside the club. Your cheeks flame, though a part of you knows no one is paying you any attention. “Mina,” you whine, shaking her hand off of you to no luck. 

She shushes you, and you can finally begin to see the outline of a man as you near the VIP area, the back of a pale head of hair being your apparent target. You huff when Mina finally manages to come to a stop, immediately ripping your hand out of hers. You look every bit the fussy child as you cross your arms over your chest while Mina makes introductions. 

“Hi,” she giggles, morphing into the classic erotic succubus as she bends over the back of the couch the man sat on. “I’m Mina, and this is my friend-” you roll your eyes, refusing to look at the gag-worthy exchange, “-and we were hoping you’d let us sit on your cock tonight?”

You choke, whirling around with flaming cheeks and wide eyes, frantically trying to rip a drunk Mina away before she can embarrass the two of you even further. “Mina!” You scold in horror, tugging her away from where she’d been lounging across the back of the couch, desperate to ignore the man she’d been flirting with, until the back of your mind registers a very familiar presence. 

“Miss ___,” a deep voice says, and you flinch, blood running cold as you whip your head to catch sight of the same chocolatey eyes that had stared you down through the rearview mirror that afternoon. 

Every alarm goes off in your head as you recall Kim Namjoon’s warning, reprimanding yourself for not heeding his words as you stare into his emotionless gaze. “Namjoon,” you flounder, and Mina’s squeals fade into the background as your cheeks flush crimson from being caught in such an uncomfortable position. 

His attention briefly breaks away to glance at Mina’s intoxicated being half hanging off of you, half sending him the horniest gaze he’s ever seen. He levels you the most Mona Lisa-esque look, and, just like the painting, you’re unsure if he’s amused or disgusted. 

Slowly, he rises from the couch, body clad in an entirely black suit with a matching black button up beneath it. His full height towers over you, despite the heels you’d donned, and you feel small and insignificant under his gaze. He eyes flicker to the couch, and you get the hint, slowly settling down your inebriated friend before turning back to him. 

“I warned you, Miss ___,” he says, shoving his lithe fingers deep into his pockets. 

Though you’d initially been frazzled by his presence, his condescending tone of voice makes something snap inside of you, your vision melting into red as you step into his space, jabbing a finger into his chest, briefly catching a whiff of his cologne. 

“Fuck off,” you seethe, and though you have to crane your head to look him in the eye, your anger does not fade away. “I don’t give a fuck off about what you said, Kim Namjoon. And I don’t give a fuck about what my father has to say about this. As a matter of fact, fuck you and fuck hi-”

Namjoon snatches your palm away from his chest, completely dwarfing it with his own as he tugs you closer to him, steely gaze on yours. “Your father has no idea you are here,” he exhales, the close proximity and the seclusion of the VIP area making it almost unnecessary for him to raise his voice above a murmur. “As far as he knows, you’re safely tucked away in bed right now, Miss ___.”

Your insides are still boiling, but you cannot deny the confusion that washes over you from his response. You’d assumed Namjoon would rat you out the moment you got into Sojin’s car. He was your father’s favorite underling, and, accordingly, his loyalty to your father was unmatched. The fact he had come to retrieve you without so much as notifying your father of your disobedience came as a shock. 

Before you can get more lost in your befuddled thoughts you push him away from you, shaking his grip off of you with disgust. He seems unfazed as he watches you fume, your friend almost forgotten. He looks away from you for a second, eyes meeting Mina’s, before she’s suddenly getting up to scamper in the direction of the dance floor. 

“Mina!” You call, turning to trail her, but Kim Namjoon stops you with a tight grip on your forearm. 

“Miss ___,” he says, voice uncomfortably close, and you can faintly feel his broad form hovering less than a few centimeters behind you. Your breath catches in your throat, his deep timbre enveloping every inch of you. “I suggest you return home before someone else discovers of your disappearance.”

You huff, his unwanted advice pushing you out of whatever trance his presence had trapped you in, and you pull out of his hold for the second time. You face him, trying to hide your breathlessness as you fix him with the most furious expression you can muster. 

Kim Namjoon seems as disinterested as ever, meeting your angry gaze with his own. You’re in a stare down then, crossing your arms over your chest to try and shield yourself from his scrutinizing eyes, which seem to be boring into the very core of your being as he waits for you to back down. 

Your heart thuds in your ears, every inch of you tight as you struggle to maintain your sturdy facade. But the longer you remain caught in his gaze, the more vulnerable you feel, desperate to conceal yourself from him and his bored expression. Eventually you’re snapping your gaze away, cheeks blazing at the immature loss. “Where’s the car?” You mutter, refusing to look at him again. 

Had he not already melted you down with his eyes alone, the soft brush against the small of your back wouldn’t have made you jump as much as it did. You let him guide you towards the club’s exit, making a mental note to make up some excuse for your friends, and hoping they hadn’t seen you leave with Kim Namjoon of all people. God, that would’ve been embarrassing. 

Similar to the afternoon’s events, he tugs open the backseat door for you, even helping you stumble inside after watching you uneasily shuffle on your heels. The door falls shut behind you, the driver’s door swinging open not long after. 

You try to ignore him as best as you can, focusing your attention on informing your friend’s of your early departure with the smoothest lie you can conjure. Namjoon doesn’t seem to be feeling any sorrow for ruining your night, and for some reason, the embarrassment you’d felt earlier begins creeping into your bones for the second time. 

Mina’s shrill voice replays in your head, her vulgar words seemingly on loop. You briefly glance at Namjoon through the rearview mirror, grateful he hadn't said anything about Mina’s inappropriate behavior. You can feel the blood rush to your face, and you quickly avert your gaze out the window, the city’s scenery quickly flashing by in the form of blinding streetlights and concrete buildings. 

It’s not long before you draw closer to your towering apartment building, Namjoon’s voice finally filtering into the heavy silence for the first time. “Miss ___, please do not hesitate to call me the next time you wish to visit your father.” You roll your eyes, toying with your purse as you prepare to step out of the vehicle. 

He pulls to a stop in front of your building, and the doorman rushes forward to assist you out of the car. You’ve barely stepped one foot out onto the curb when Namjoon calls your name again. You turn back, catching his eyes in the same mirror you’d been viewing him through all day.

You’re surprised to see a rare twinkle in his eyes, as he says, “I hope your friend has better luck tonight.”

Before you can reprimand him for saying such a comment about Mina, the doorman is helping you out, and you’re left a bewildered mess on the sidewalk as he pulls off. 

If your father was going to treat you like a child, you were going to act like one. It was only right that you took absolute advantage of Kim Namjoon’s wishes to be an absolute kiss-up to your father, and both men had encouraged you to do as much anyway. 

After your first day with Kim Namjoon as your glorified chauffeur/bodyguard, you’d begun calling him for the most mundane of tasks. Truthfully, it was a childish streak inside of you that wanted to diminish the time he spent with your father. (And, maybe, you also wanted to see another glimpse of emotion on that ridiculously gorgeous face of his.)

He’d drove you to and from your family home, even though he knew as well as you did that there were plenty other drivers who's entire job description was exactly that. He hadn’t complained, showing up to your building exactly twenty minutes after any call you made with the backseat door held open for you. 

Jennie’s douchebag boyfriend had finally broken up with her one Saturday morning, leaving her a sobbing, lonely mess. You’d called Namjoon up to drive you over at eight in the morning, and he’d shown up right away. You might’ve pulled him away from his breakfast, you theorized, the tiniest fleck of white powder curling around the corner of his plump lips. 

You’d called him to drive you to the nail salon and had made him sit in the waiting area for an hour, because you wouldn’t be able to call him afterwards with wet nails, you’d whined. You’d taken great pleasure in seeing his threatening figure nestled among all the other nail care enthusiasts. If he was displeased, he hadn't shown it, taking absolute caution of your nails as he led you back to the car. The only downside to your petty plan was when he’d had to lean over you to buckle your seatbelt for you, his face hovering over your chest so intimately you’d refused to speak on the drive home. 

Perhaps the most immature stunt you’d pulled was calling him at two in the morning, ordering him to take you to the gas station for chocolate chip cookies. 

Usually Namjoon answered your calls after the first ring, silky voice clear as he asked you where to, not so much as a greeting slipping out. However, on that night you’d almost hung up after the fourth ring, when a raspy voice had suddenly filtered through your speakers. 

“Hello?” Kim Namjoon had groaned, and your heart had stopped in your chest as you floundered for a response. There was the shuffling of sheets in the background, and your brain hadn’t kickstarted back up until you heard the delicious pop of his bones as he stretched, you assumed. 

“I-I need you,” you’d stuttered out, all traces of the malice that usually tinged your phone calls suddenly whisked out of your system. You realized the horrible phrasing of your words a little too late. There was a pause, as Namjoon let out a half-asleep chuckle that filled your ears as he glanced down at the caller ID. 

You could pinpoint the exact moment he realized it was you, the line suddenly going completely silent, only the static of the line present. Suddenly, a harsh cacophony of sounds filled your ear, and you almost dropped your phone as he coughed, before his usual monotone voice filled the line. “Miss ___, where to?”

All signs of the groggy Namjoon were wiped clean, and it was as if you were talking to a completely different person as he patiently awaited your response. Your brain racked for a response, and you begun spluttering the first thing that you could conjure. 

“The gas station, I want cookies, like right now, so you better get your ass over here as soon as fucking possible, ASAP,” you rambled, trying to mask your own embarrassment with the annoyed tone you usually took on when speaking to Namjoon. He sent a formal confirmation your way, and you hung up as soon as he told you he’d be over soon. 

You’d been planning on changing into something more acceptable by society’s standards, but you ended up pacing pack and forth as you tried to calm yourself before Namjoon’s arrival. In the end, the elevator was halfway to the ground when you belatedly realized you had remained in your ridiculous pink booty shorts and oversized long sleeved t-shirt. You cursed, hoping Namjoon’s tired demeanor meant he wouldn’t step out of the car tonight to follow you like he usually does, and you could slip in and out undetected. 

Much to your horror, he was, like always, waiting for you outside the door. Though he looked every bit the stone-hearted mafia member, you couldn’t ignore the softness that curled around his figure, present in the way his eyes were swollen, his hair styled sans gel, and the fact he’d forgone his usual suited attire for a plain black shirt that stretched deliciously over his muscles. 

You ducked into the car, refusing to meet his gaze. Even while he drove, you kept your eyes set firmly on your lap or out the window. That vulnerable feeling you’d felt all those weeks ago crept up your spine, and you absolutely hated it, especially when it was caused by none other than Kim Namjoon. 

The car slowed to a stop in front of one of those twenty-four hour mini marts, and Namjoon shifted the car into park. “You didn’t specify where exactly, Miss ___. I hope here is fine.”

You nodded, throwing the door open and letting yourself out before he could even unbuckle his own seatbelt. He said nothing as he trailed after you, momentarily losing you inside the artificially lit store, before finding you near the snack aisle. 

Your heart thudded in your chest, as your eyes blankly scanned over the shelves. What were you here for again? Your mind was in complete shambles as you tried to ignore the want that grew in the pit of your stomach, pushing it down with other thoughts instead. 

You’ve been spoiled since birth by your parents, anything you wanted being placed in the palm of your hand. You could ask for the hottest celebrity to come visit you, and your sneaky father would somehow pull the strings together. You had cars and apartments and clothes that people your age wish they could have. So why was your stupid body craving the emotionless bodyguard—the same one that you feared was tearing your father away from you?

You’re jolted out of your consuming thoughts when a body brushes against you. You immediately move to shift away, only to feel the other person follow your movements. “Alone, sweetheart?” A gruff voice murmurs against your ear, and your body completely stills as you feel calloused hands brush against the sides of your very exposed legs. 

Years of self-defense classes trickle down the drain as you become paralyzed with terror, hands clutching at the bag of candies you’d grabbed sometime during your mental spiraling. Your brain faintly clicks into place, though it sounds muddled behind the fear that grips at every part of you, telling you to push yourself away, call for help, something. 

Just as your vocal chords finally begin working with you, the awful feeling goes away. You whip around, briefly catching sight of Namjoon’s furious expression as he drags the man planning to defile you out of the mini-mart. You’re frozen in place as you hear their scuffling bodies grow further and further away, until the tiny bell above the entryway gives one final innocent jingle and you’re enveloped in relative silence, the obnoxious overhead music running quietly. 

Belatedly, your legs spur you into action, and you drop the plastic bag in favor of rushing out after Namjoon. The cold air whips at your face as you shove the door open, glancing back and forth to no avail; they’re nowhere in sight. However, the sleek automobile is still parked a few meters away from you, so you begin sprinting towards that, past an alleyway where—

You come to a screeching halt, eyes trained on the two bodies tussling in the darkness. You stumble closer, eyes struggling to focus, before finally making out Kim Namjoon’s lean figure towering over the man who’d grabbed you. You gasp when Namjoon’s hand comes barreling into the man’s face, the weaker of the two struggling to fight back, but you’ve heard enough rumors to know what kind of fighter Kim Namjoon is. 

His fists move at an inhuman speed, jabbing at any part of the man he can get. Just as your eyes adjust to the darkness, you catch sight of Namjoon’s livid side profile, his silvery locks falling across his eyes as he continues to beat the living shit out of the man beneath him. 

You’re not sure if it’s the want to see the entirety of his expression face-to-face, or if it’s the fact that you knew Namjoon would literally kill this man if you let him, that has you rushing to stop him. 

“Namjoon!” You shout, footsteps thundering against the gravelly pavement before coming to a halt a meter away, careful of your own safety as you recall the rumors that surround Namjoon; he was a rabid fighter when provoked, which explains why he fought so desperately to maintain his emotions in check at all times. You step closer, wincing after a particularly hard punch that leaves the man wailing in pain, blood spluttering out of his busted lip. There’s a splattering of blood decorating Namjoon’s face and arms, and you can undoubtedly say it’s definitely not his own. 

You decide to suck it up and reach for him, part of your childish mind still thinking that hey, if he hurts you, at least he won’t be your father’s favorite anymore. 

Your hands shakily settle across his rippling shoulder blades, careful to avoid his elbows as they swing back and forth, fingers gently gliding around until they’re loosely placed around the base of his neck. “Namjoon,” you call out, daringly stepping closer, until your chest is almost pressed against his back. 

Up close, his ragged breath sounds animalistic, his chest heaving with each gulp of air he takes. He must be at least somewhat aware of your presence, because his arms slow down until he’s just grasping the man by the collar, and you gag at the sight of the bloodied face of your attacker. 

“Hey,” you say, finally slotting your body against his, fingers softly dancing over his skin. “Let go of him, Joon,” you murmur, the nickname absentmindedly slipping through your lips as you continue pressing your fingers into the tight muscle. You become more emboldened when the man goes slack in his grip, and you lift one hand up to tilt Namjoon’s wild gaze away from him. 

“Look, look,” you say, turning his chin until his wide, unstable eyes are on your own. “I’m okay, Namjoon,” you hum, using the hand not preoccupied holding his chin to slide down his arm, pressing down with a lot of force, until Namjoon lets go of the man. “It’s okay,” you add, trying to repeat the same process with his other hand. 

"I-,” Namjoon chokes out, body tensing beneath your touch when the man lets out a low groan, blood dribbling out of his lips. “He touched you,” he seethes, and though his face is pointed your way, his eyes are flickering to the side, desperately trying to see his punching bag. Namjoon’s own lower lip trembles with rage, and you have to run a palm down the side of his face, quietly shushing him. 

“I know, I know, but look,” you urge, stroking his cheek until his wild eyes finally meet yours. “I’m okay, it’s oka-”

“It’s not!” Namjoon roars, turning back to shove your assailant against the brick wall of the mini mart. You immediately try to tug him back to you and your terrible attempts at calming him. “He’s not allowed to fucking touch you!”

“Joon, calm down,” you beg, instinctively locking your arms around your neck, throwing any reservations about your own safety out the window, your attention solely focused on making sure Namjoon doesn’t kill this man behind your local family mini mart. 

Though he’s blinded by his own emotions, he’s still aware of your presence, and the fact you’re his boss’s kid probably. Namjoon pauses, watching the battered man slowly sink down to the ground, one of his split knuckles coming to clutch at the trembling forearm you’ve strapped across his chest. 

“I have to kill him,” he grits out, fingers squeezing around your arm gently compared to the absolute brute strength he'd used to drag the guy out of the mart a mere five minutes ago. You tighten your grip, struggling to keep your toes on the floor as he attempts to shrug you off. 

“Let’s go,” you huff, mustering up the strength to yank him backwards, the two of you flying into the opposite wall of the cramped alleyway. Your back hits the brick first, and you yelp in shock, the sound seeming to catch Namjoon’s attention and he whirls around, eyes wide and frantic as he analyzes your expressions. His worry intensifies as he becomes desperate to assure himself he hadn't hurt you.

“Joonie,” you pant, taking this opportunity to finally reach the logical part of him, cupping his face in your hands, forehead pressing together. His nickname slips past your lips without much thought, and his wild gaze finally calms down at your soft voice, slowly turning into long, drawn out blinks. “Let’s go,” you whisper, and he nods, eyes finally falling shut, lashes gently fluttering against his skin. 

It’s a weird feeling to finally be in the driver’s seat of the Mercedes, Namjoon silently sitting in the passenger seat. You fix the rear view mirror, pressing down on the gas, as you shift the car into drive, pulling away from the scene. 

The drive back to your apartment is mostly silent after you tell him you’re going to clean him up. Other than that, it’s awkward, you nervously drumming your fingers along the steering wheel as Namjoon seems to be staring blankly out the windshield. You don’t bother to make conversation, not really sure how to bring up the overwhelmed Namjoon of ten minutes ago to the emotionless one of now. His knuckles are swollen, the skin pinched around his rings, and resting on his knees. 

You’ve been forcing Namjoon to drive you around for so long, the path to your building’s underground parking garage seems unfamiliar to you as you pull into a parking space. You shuffle out of the car wordlessly, taking the elevator all the way up to your floor in the same practiced silence that’s plagued you since the events behind the mart. 

It’s not long until you’re letting him into your spacious apartment, gesturing towards the couch as you scamper off for the first aid kit shoved into your bathroom cabinets. When you return, Namjoon has yet to sit down.

“Sit down,” you order, and he does. You kneel down before him, taking his battered hands into yours as you give them a brief inspection, before reaching for the wet rag you’d brought down. 

If it stings, Namjoon doesn’t say anything, letting you wipe the dried blood off his skin. The fact it’s not even his makes you want to gag, but you suppress the feeling as you push through your job, dutifully tracing the rag along his veins. Tugging his rings off is where the real struggle comes, his minuscule winces making you hesitant to pinch his skin any further. 

“Let me,” he says, jiggling a ring back and forth, loosening it up until he can somewhat pop it off his finger without too much pain. You kneel back and watch him remove his collection of jewelry. 

He’s ignored your gaze since the moment you stepped out of the elevator, and you duck your head just the slightest in a cliche attempt to look him in the eye. “You didn’t have to do that,” you murmur, toying with the rag in your hands. 

He snorts, and you startle at such a blatant display of emotion from Kim Namjoon. “I should’ve killed the fucker,” he mutters, tossing his rings onto the couch beside him without much care. 

You take his hands in yours again, trailing the cloth between his long fingers silently. Every now and then, his fingers will involuntarily curl up, and he’ll exhale harshly through his nose. You presume it’s him trying to suppress the carnal anger that builds up at the memory. 

In an attempt to lighten the mood, you give up a wise crack. “Well now I can confirm you’re not an emotionless robot,” you joke, though you quickly shut up when he doesn’t reciprocate your goofy smile. You purse your lips, hurrying through one hand before moving onto the next, his fingers involuntarily curling around yours. Your heart thunders. 

Just as you’re calming your racing heart, Namjoon says, “your father is going to be so disappointed in me.”

Your jaw tenses, your movements pausing as the words register in your mind. Before you can completely blow up about it, you spit out a curt response. “He won't be. You’re his perfect little protégé.”

“Doesn’t mean he can’t be disappointed in me,” Namjoon retorts, and you roll your eyes, the anger and jealousy that had been the root cause of your and Namjoon’s servant-like relationship taking refuge in the back of your throat. 

“He literally won’t be,” you huff, too worried about how disgusted your father will be when he learns of your weakness, and how he’ll use your inability to fight back as a leverage, citing it as another reason why you can’t be around the family business. “He’ll be sooo fucking proud you saved me,” you croak, your heart wrenching with sadness. 

Namjoon says nothing. 

You wipe his hands clean and apply the antiseptic quickly, your throat constricting with every passing second as you imagine the utter disgust that will certainly cross your father’s features when Namjoon informs him of tonight’s incident. Your fingers tremble as you carefully wrap his knuckles with a thin bandage, eyes growing wetter with each loop around his hand. 

When you finally finish, it’s taking everything in you to hold back the flood of tears threatening your waterline, and you’re hoping Namjoon will simply thank you before disappearing off into the night. 

You don’t want Kim Namjoon, of all people, to see you cry. 

“All done,” you murmur, patting the back of his hands as you rise to your feet. You shuffle to return the items into the kit, lazily tossing the bloodstained towel on top of the closed box afterwards. 

His hand catches your wrist. “Why do you hate me?” Namjoon asks, and it’s the first time he hasn’t spoken so formally around you, addressing you so casually. You inhale a shaky breath, a resigned smile plastering itself across your face, though it doesn’t reach your eyes. 

“You have the one thing I actually want,” you admit, shaking your head at his confused expression. Now that you’ve seen Namjoon act like a normal human being, or, as normal as watching him nearly kill a man can be, the idea of him being some distantly stoic figure feels weird to think about. You sigh, placing the first aid kit on the coffee table. 

“I just wanna be close to my dad,” you huff, your words caught on a whimper that you bite back. You press the heels of your palms against your eyes, shoulders trembling with the sobs you fight to contain. “I’d do anything to spend time with him,” you choke out, rubbing at your eyes until you’re seeing stars, “but all he ever wants is to see you.”

A pitiful sob escapes your lips, and you don’t even bother feeling embarrassed in front of Kim Namjoon anymore. The feelings of uselessness you’d harbored for so long that they’d manifested into a raging jealousy release themselves into the silence of your apartment. You cry and Namjoon watches you. 

There’s a hand pressing into your shoulder after a few moments, and you wipe the fat tears away and look off somewhere to the side. 

“I didn’t know,” Namjoon murmurs, and you give an ugly sniffle in response. His hand drops from your frame to scratch at the back of his neck. 

You scoff, whirling around to narrow your teary eyes at him. “Of course you fucking didn’t, you were too busy kissing his ass every chance you got,” you spit, and Namjoon’s eyes blow out into saucers. 

“I was just doing my job,” he defends, the sympathetic aura he’d held quickly fading into a more defensive one. 

“Oh really?” You exclaim, not backing away when he stands from his perch on the couch, towering over you as you continue your onslaught. “Was your job being a fucking show off? Or was it purposefully making me look like a little bitch in front of my father?”

Namjoon steps into your space, grasping your wrists in his hands to stop your explosive way of talking. “You need to calm do-”

You cackle, fists clenched against his grip. “That’s real funny coming from you, Namjoon,” you mock, and his jaw twitches, a brief spark of that animalistic side of him listing his eyes before he’s tightening his hands around your skin. “Unlike you, I actually know how to control myself.”

“I just wanted to save you tonight,” he fumes, looking so indescribably wrong inside your apartment. Had it been the regular Kim Namjoon with his perfectly styled hair and schooled expressions, maybe you would have not questioned his presence. 

But this Namjoon is completely unknown. He’s bold and strong in a way only young men can be, his temper as untamed as his silvery locks that fall out of place, tickling his forehead. He’s normal, you guess, but admitting as much feels weird. 

“So you can go tell my dad about it?” You spit, desperately shaking your hands out of his grip to no avail. “Admit it, Namjoon, if it was any other girl you wouldn’t have batted an eye, because you only care about yourself and your dumb ass reputation to—”

Your back meets the cushioned seats of the couch, wrangled there by Namjoon’s own strength as he presses you down onto it. He towers over you, radiating pure, unadulterated anger as he stares you down. “You’re right, I fucking wouldn’t have,” he seethes, and you huff and growl as you struggle to pry your hands out of his hold for the nth time, before he eventually settles on pinning them beside your head in irritation. 

“But since it was your little princess ass, I fucking have to,” he growls, and you faintly register the knee he presses between your legs as you glare up at him. “Miss ‘I get everything I want because my daddy’s rich,’” he mocks, voice raising into an obnoxious imitation of what you must sound like. 

You scoff, thrashing beneath him. He pays you no attention, continuing to taunt you. “’I want to help him at work, but I can’t even defend myself against the weakest of strangers,’” he teases, and you keep squirming against him, only fueling his efforts. “You’re such a fucking bitch,” he spits, and you flinch under his gaze. “Is there anything you actually can do?”

Your anger is rolling off of you in waves, but as you move again, his knee brushes against your most sensitive of parts, and a horrifying whimper escapes from your throat. 

You immediately freeze, desperately wracking your brain for some sort of excuse, but the annoyed grunts and growls you’d been releasing sound nothing like the absolutely vulgar noise that had crawled out from between your lips, and by the way Namjoon’s furious expression melts off his face, you know he’s also realized this. 

You try to search your brain for how exactly this had happened. The heat that had been boiling inside of you—the absolute rage you’d been feeling—hadn’t actually been anger? Exactly when did your body decide now was as good as ever to feel like this?

For a moment, your apartment is silent. The only sound you hear is the rushing of blood in your ears, lips pressed together as you fight down the inevitable flush that decorates your face. Maybe if you hadn’t been so focused on controlling your breathing you might have taken advantage of the brief moment in which Namjoon had loosened his grip on you. 

“Listen,” you huff, tongue running over your lips. You try to ignore the way Namjoon’s clouded gaze glances down at them. “I’m still in a lot of shock from all that happened tonight and—” your words are cut short when Namjoon’s leg purposefully brushes against your core, another high-pitched whine ripping itself out of your throat.

Namjoon snorts. 

“So that’s what this is about,” he says, his looming figure somehow ten times more dangerous than before. You feel yourself grow incredibly small beneath him, even more so when he ducks down until your faces are close, the tip of his nose brushing against yours. 

“All this time, were you waiting for this, Miss ___?” He murmurs, his breath hot against your face. You say nothing, the muscles of your thighs clenched tight as you try to remain as still as possible. He presses a kiss to your cheekbone, and the simple gesture has you releasing a breath you hadn’t known you’ve been holding. “I need an answer.”

“N-No,” you cry out, turning your head away from him, though you desperately want to feel that witty tongue against your folds. That same stuck-up ego of yours tries to remind you, you hate Kim Namjoon, but to no avail. 

Namjoon smiles, the curves of his sinfully plush lips pressed against your jaw, giving a teasing squeeze to your weak hands. “Miss ___, I didn’t take you to be such a liar,” he breathes, kissing along your jaw and down your neck. Your sharp inhale pierces through the air, and your traitorous body has your legs tightening around his waist. The deep chuckle that leaves him has every part of you vibrating, eyes fluttering shut beneath the delicious feel of his mouth. 

“Stop being a little bitch and let me take care of you,” he reprimands, voice soft yet authoritative as leans closer, your chests brushing together. You bite your tongue too late, a pitiful whine leaving your lips. Namjoon lets out another soft huff of laughter around your neck, pausing his languid kisses. 

“I’m not a-a little bitch,” you weakly defend, trembling beneath him as he licks at a particularly sensitive spot on your neck. 

“Of course you aren't, Miss ___,” he agrees, though you feel he only does it to placate you. “But you must be so tired. Always trying to win your pop’s attention,” he sighs, and lifts his head up to level you with a heated gaze. You feel your lower lip tremble. He leans in, soft lips brushing against yours in a short kiss. “But you can have all of mine, princess,” he promises, gently nipping at your lip, enough to have your back arching into his solid chest. “I know I’m not your daddy but—”

You unexpectedly whine at his wording, and Namjoon grins against your mouth, swallowing the sound. He pulls off with a lewd pop. “Unless you want me to be, of course,” he propositions, and you don’t know what comes over you as you furiously nod your head. “Perfect,” he praises, one hand finally releasing you to trace down your body instead, his ridiculously large palm gliding over your thigh, hitching it higher up his waist. “Will you let me, princess?”

“Yes,” you breathe, your trembling hand stretching forward to wrap around his neck, forcefully pulling him closer to you. 

“Yes... what?” Namjoon tests, letting you manhandle him into another desperate kiss, and you wonder if your arousal has seeped through the fabric of those thin booty shorts. 

“Yes, daddy,” you say back, and the wicked grin is the last thing you feel before he’s looping his hands beneath you and tugging you into his lap. A tiny shriek leaves your lips, before you settle onto your new seat. 

Any traces of Namjoon’s smile are wiped clean as he stares up at you, fingers digging into your waist. “You’ve been really naughty tonight, princess,” he calmly says, and though you’re on top of him, you still feel like you’re below him. “Calling me in the middle of the night to come get you— what was that little thing you said to me on the phone again?”

Your cheeks tinge as you recall the words you’d uttered to him over the phone. Granted you hadn’t meant them in that way, it was somewhat relieving to know he’d been effected by them. “I need you,” you repeat in that same timid voice that had spoken to him earlier in the night. 

Namjoon lets out a low whistle at your words, basking in the embarrassment that swallows you. “How bold of you,” he says in a quiet voice, fingers gripping harder into you, pushing you down onto his cock, hardened beneath his jeans. You gasp, hands digging into his shoulders in surprise. 

“I wanna make you cum so bad,” he sighs, guiding you through the same motion again. “But, I was so fucking pissed off at you tonight,” he informs you, and your heart clenches at the irritated glance he shoots you. “Calling me in the middle of the night to get a pack of fucking gummy bears. Who do you think you are?”

“I’m sorry, daddy,” you gasp, letting him haul you onto his clothed dick again. 

“Did you want my attention that bad?” He asks. “Well you have it now.” His hands slowly release you, and you whine back arching as you rut into him again. He leans back into the comfort of the couch cushions, arms casually slung across the back as he watches you. “I know you’re already so spoiled , so why don't you actually work for something for once?” He suggests, and your mind blanks as you struggle to figure out what he means. “Get yourself off for me, princess,” he commands, watching you through hooded eyes. 

You whine, lower lip drawing to a pout as you realize he’s really waiting for you, eyes flickering off to the side in a bored manner. 

Pushing any last traces of self-respect aside, you dig your fingers into his shoulders once more, slowly grinding yourself against him until all the humiliation is replaced with pleasure, your panties caught against your wetness. “Daddy,” you cry out, pleased to feel his cock plumping up beneath you. 

Your movements grow short and stilted as you carry on, rutting against him like an animal. Your eyes squeeze shut, because the foggy haze of euphoria isn't completely enough to ignore the sneering expression he wears as he watches your desperate form. “Look at you,” he murmurs, almost in awe. 

There’s a soft brush against your side, and you flinch before realizing it’s his hand, pushing the oversized shirt up until his bandaged fingers rest against the soft skin over your ribcage. “Need more, daddy,” you whimper, your lower abdomen starting to ache from all the movement. 

“Nuh uh,” Namjoon teases, though his hands continue to pet you. “You’ve become so selfish, princess,” he says, leaning forward to nip at your jaw. Your breath catches in your throat at the gesture. “But I promise, once you do this, I’ll take care of you for the rest of the night.”

The idea seems all too agreeable, and with a renewed vigor, you begin your wild thrusting against him. The rough denim of his jeans brushes the undersides of your thighs, and you’re suddenly aware how close you’ve come to your orgasm. A moan catches in your throat when you feel a finger brush the underside of your bra cups, Namjoon’s cold hands tracing over the soft flesh of your stomach. “That’s it,” he encourages, voice low as he watches you move your hips back and forth, the speed picking up as your orgasm draws closer. 

It hits you embarrassingly quickly, your back arching as Namjoon’s soft hands hold onto your sides. There’s a sudden bloom of wetness across your panties, soaking through until even your shorts become tinged with your cum. Your words catch in your throat, cheeks blazing as you catch his eye. 

Namjoon smirks, cupping your jaw in his hands to draw you in for another steamy kiss. This time, his tongue licks into your mouth, the wet appendage reaching into the warmth as you struggle to catch your breath. That humiliating orgasm lingers in the back of your mind. 

“You worked so hard,” Namjoon praises, and you melt into his embrace when you feel a stray finger press against your core, dancing along the stained material of your shorts. “I’m sorry,” he suddenly says, and your heart stops at the sudden apology, uncharacteristic of Namjoon. “I would stretch you out but my fingers are too nasty to be inside of my princess.” The scalding feel of his finger against you leaves as he raises his hand to brandish his bandaged fingers, his digits wiggling as if to emphasize their appearance. 

You grimace, and he laughs at your reaction. “Can you take me like this?” He asks, and you bite your lip as you consider it. Truthfully, you hadn’t had sex in a while, so you were undoubtedly tight down there. But then again, you had just orgasmed, and naturally your body became more relaxed after such strenuous activity. 

“I think I can,” you murmur, your voice dripping with hesitation that he quickly kisses away. 

“You don’t have to if you don't want to,” he assures, his voice almost back to the normal Kim Namjoon you’d been seeing for the past few weeks. “But I’m serious about taking care of you, princess,” he adds, softly. 

With those words and a newly found resolve, you push away any doubts and shake your head at his new offer. “No, fuck me, please,” you nearly beg, nudging his nose with your own as you search for a kiss from those sinful lips. “I want you to, daddy.”

Namjoon placates you with one brief peck, wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you into him. “Good girl,” he exhales, relief tainting every syllable that leaves his mouth as he holds you in his embrace. “Gonna fuck you so good,” he promises, his head deliciously nuzzled between your breasts. “But I need you to take off these cute little shorts first.”

He runs a finger along the elastic of your shorts, letting it snap back to your skin with a loud thwack. You flinch, Namjoon’s large palms soothingly rubbing over the curve of your ass, palming the two globes with much appreciation. His hands dip into your backside, pushing the garment off as he encourages you to rise to your knees. With a little struggle, he manages to tug those horrid shorts off of you, leaving you in a pair of cheeky lace panties, the pale blue considerably darker where your arousal had leaked through earlier. 

“You’ve become so dirty,” Namjoon scolds, using the least damaged of his two hands to trail one finger over the beginning of your womanhood, teasingly pressing over where he knows your clitoris is hiding. You keen, tugging your large shirt up higher in an effort to see what he’s doing. His fingers twitch as he presses them over your saturated undergarments, as if he were wishing he could do more but is prohibited by the state of his hands. Just as you’d thought, he utters out a strained, “fuck.”

“Daddy, need you inside of me,” you pant, your hips unconsciously jolting into his fingers. He nods, pressing a hand into your shoulder to move you away as he undoes his belt buckle. Anticipation catches in your chest as you watch his every move, nimble fingers tugging his belt through the metal buckle before he’s popping open the button of his jeans. An unconscious moan slips past your lips when he pulls them down to reveal his simple grey underwear, pulled taut around his erection. 

He flashes you one final grin before he’s letting his cock spring free, the flaming tip smacking against the planes of his stomach. Your thighs quiver at the sight, but Namjoon doesn’t let you ogle him for long. He pulls you into his chest, and you cry out when you feel his cock brush against your core, hands burying themselves in his unruly hair. 

“Promise I’ll be gentle,” he murmurs against your jaw, grabbing onto the base of his cock with one hand while you twist your arm backwards to tug your underwear to the side. Realistically, you know he can't be as gentle as he wishes, especially because you haven’t been stretched out properly. But you’re so caught up in the idea of finally resolving this unspoken of sexual tension that you don’t mind the pain that’s destined to come. 

His head pushes against your throbbing opening, and you can’t believe it’s actually possible to feel your heartbeat through your pussy, but here you are. You gasp, every part of you tightening as his head pops through that initial tight ring of muscle. Namjoon, for the first time, shows you how effected he is with a low moan. “So tight,” he chokes out, that stupid smile still adorning his features. 

The absolute girth of his cock has tears welling in your eyes, and you squeeze them shut in an attempt to push them away, your lip caught between your teeth hard enough to dry blood. Namjoon soothes you with kisses along your jawline, his hand rubbing soothing circles along your hip. “You’re doing so good for me, princess,” he murmurs, and takes advantage of the moan that rips out of you by shoving further into you. 

You scream when your knees give out, and you end up falling down onto the rest of his cock, back arching when his tip brushes against your cervix. Namjoon groans in unison at your sudden movement, and for a moment, the room goes quiet. 

“Shit,” Namjoon huffs, the end of his voice tinged with laughter. Your body is slowly pulling itself out from the sudden shock, spine going numb. Namjoon reaches out to catch you, laying you against his chest. “Good girl,” he praises, “daddy couldn’t ask for anyone better.”

Your pussy clenches at his words, and sensing this, Namjoon slowly grinds upwards into you. You whimper, still sensitive from that weak orgasm from earlier. “Gonna fuck you now, princess,” he informs you. “Want me to lay you down or are you good like this?” 

It takes a second for you to realize he’s asked you something, and you belatedly murmur, “lay down,” against his neck. 

Namjoon wastes no time, hauling you off the couch in his arms, fingers pressed into the backs of your thighs. He whirls around, carefully depositing you on the soft cushion. Each movement has him shifting inside of you, and you can feel your breaths become more and more labored by the time he finally covers you with his body, one hand pressing your leg against the couch beside you. 

The first official thrust has you wantonly moaning like a porn star, and you shove a hand over your mouth in embarrassment. “Daddy,” you whimper, gluing the heel of your foot to the base of his spine as you try to push him in deeper. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Namjoon says, tugging your hand away from your mouth only to replace it with his lips. “We’re just getting started.”

Before you can say anything in response, he’s ramming his cock into you again, the sheer strength of his movements shifting you up the couch. You cry out, tangling your hands around his neck in an effort to anchor yourself to him. Despite you believing he was just starting off strong, he sets a similar pace to that thrust, his hips snapping into you with lethal force. 

“Fuck,” you sob, lips pressed against his temple as he continues his ministrations. He’s set a sort of pattern, you notice after a while, every few thrusts topped off with a lewd grind of his core against yours, your clitoris very much enjoying that little addition of his. “Faster, daddy, please,” you pant, arching into him as he pushes against you. 

Your walls convulse, your second orgasm drawing embarrassingly near, but it’s Kim Namjoon doing this, so what can you expect? 

“Look at you,” Namjoon huffs in amusement, slowing his movements until he’s shallowly thrusting into you, reveling in the way you whine for more. “So stuck-up and bitchy, getting your tight little pussy fucked by me, of all people,” he sneers, biting against your shoulder. 

“Sh-Shut the fuck up,” you breathe, hips pushing forward to meet his, desperately urging him to pick up his pace again. 

Namjoon snorts. “Don’t tell me what to do, ___,” he spits, pulling nearly all the way out, only his swollen head inside, just to slam back into you. You moan when your vision goes blurry for a second. “Look at the snobby little princess,” he mocks, fingers gripping into your hips tightly, “getting fucked like a little bitch.”

“If you don’t shut the fuck up, Namjoon,” you groan, digging your nails into his shoulder as a warning. 

Namjoon reaches his good hand down to toy with your swollen bud, and you hiss. “Sorry, who are you talking to?”

“I-I’m serious, Namj—”

He gives your clit a delicious little squeeze, your words cut off by a mewl. “Who?” He repeats, pushing the bundle of nerves back and forth between his fingers, mouth licking along the sensitive spot beneath your ear. “Weren’t you supposed to call me something else tonight?” He bites down on your skin, hard enough to bruise, but you suppose that was his intention anyway. When you don’t answer, he pulls away, that teasing gaze of his locked on yours. 

“Don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten,” Namjoon murmurs, his hips rocking into yours. You whine, teeth clenching with every shift. “Just say it now and I’ll make you cum right away, princess.”

“Fuck you,” you spit, the residual hurt from his mocking words from earlier leaving without much of a doubt. 

Luckily, Namjoon doesn’t seem too offended, those plush lips of his tugging into a lopsided smirk. “Already am,” he murmurs, and you watch him shift from playful to animalistic, his hips picking up that same arduous pace from earlier. 

You don’t say much between the two of you after that, his attention zeroing in on your throbbing pussy walls as he rams into you like a dog in heat, your high-pitched whines and mewls filling the night air, occasionally accompanied by the low grunts that leave his mouth every time you clench around his length. 

You can feel the burn of his cock against your abused pussy, every drag leaving a burning feeling. You begin blabbering nonsense, a trait uncharacteristic of you, as your orgasm draws nearer. When you think back on it, you’re not exactly sure what you’d said, and Namjoon hadn’t dwelled on your incoherent thoughts either. 

Truthfully, this whole night with Namjoon had been humiliating. Arousing, but undeniably humiliating. He’d revealed new aspects of you that you’d never known of, had reduced you to a sobbing mess multiple times, and then had even had the balls to mock you while his cock was buried deep inside of you. It only makes sense that your orgasm is the same, the burning heat finally brimming over the edge disgustingly prematurely, your walls spasming around him with a loud, “daddy” falling from your lips.

“Fuck,” Namjoon grunts, his hips only seeming to pick up their already brutal pace as you coat his dick with your arousal, body quickly falling lax beneath him. His hips slap against yours, and the feeling has your already sensitive body quivering. 

“Come on, daddy,” you breathlessly murmur, trailing a hand down the side of his face, before pulling him into a languid kiss. It’s the first one you’ve been in command of, slotting your mouths together before slipping your tongue past those plump lips that have had you hypnotized all night. 

Namjoon grows restless, and you swallow every little sound he makes, before he’s hastily pulling out of you, giving his swollen cock a few harsh pulls before shooting across your open legs. Another curse slips through his lips, his member softening in his grip. 

For a few moments, your body seems completely okay with the idea of falling asleep right then and there, your vision going hazy as you stare up at Namjoon’s towering figure. Namjoon doesn’t seem to agree though, and your heart jumps into your throat when he pulls his shirt over his head, his never before seen body coming into view. Before you can get too excited though, he’s dragging the cloth along your thighs and between your legs, and you cry out from oversensitivity. 

“Shh, I’ve got you,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the inside of your knee, dutifully cleaning you off before tossing his soiled clothing somewhere onto the ground. Your eyes flutter shut at the feeling of his large palms running alongside your thighs, his voice lulling you to sleep. “Where’s your room, princess?”

Your own voice comes out sleepily, giving him the most basic directions you can remember. There’s a pleasant buzzing in your chest when he gently picks you up, but the rest of your memories become fuzzy after he tucks you into bed. 

Your phone rings a little past noon, and you groggily reach out for it, swiping the answer button cross the screen. Your father’s voice greets you in a panicked frenzy. 

“Sweetie, I know you were supposed to drop by right now, but none of us can get a hold of that damn kid,” he rushes, his silence not actually silent as it fills the receiver with the bustling sounds of his office. “As soon as I get my hands on him, I’m gonna kill him.”

You yawn, running a hand over your eyes as you glance at the time. “It’s fine,” you murmur, “I gave Namjoon the day off.”

Your father chokes. “You did what? Honey, I know he’s technically working under you right now, but you can’t do that, especially not with one of my most prized pupi-”

“Bye, dad,” you drawl, hanging up before he can get another word in. You toss your phone off to the side, rolling over in your bed until your body bumps into another one, soft and warm, muscles delicious beneath your fingers. You rearrange their limbs until their arms are wrapped around you, your nose pressed against his neck. 

Namjoon snorts, tightening his grip around you. “Spoiled as fuck.”

[bunnyblooms]

OKAY FUCKER ALL THE QUESTIONS FROM THAT ASK MEME THE LGBT ONE

1. Identity and pronouns.

I'm agenderfluid and they/them pronouns. My sexuality is aroflux and asexual.

2. How did you discover your sexuality?

Pretty much at 14 was like "idk i don't relate to everyone else i don't find celebrities hot or sex remotely something i want. If i could reproduce without sex i would. Oh. I'll just call myself asexual, like a sponge!" (Which asexual is incidentally what the creators of Spongebob were going for, fun facts. Spongebob is ace rights.)

3. Have you experienced being misgendered? How do you overcome it?

Mmmm I am constantly misgendered bc I'm nonbinary and live in a binary society and the way I compartmentalize it is basically just dressing how I want and not making an attempt to pass as anything tbh. The only time I feel misgendered is when someone knows my pronouns and doesn't use them anymore tbh. So basically. Letting go of how I want to be perceived helped. I will say tho, I refuse to come out to my dad bc he won't respect it and it'll be more painful hearing him misgender me knowing how I identify, but. That's certainly a privilege I have since I'm not transitioning. (ATM at least.)

4. Who was the first person you told? How did they react?

I technically didn't come out as ace. My ex-best friend knew bc I talked about it, but neither of us knew it was an identity. So the transition upon finding the label was virtually nonexistent and all of my friends were LGBTQ as well so it wasn't stressful or shocking. It helps that around the time I discovered the label I'd met two friends who were ace and felt the same way I did. My experience with my asexuality is definitely the model that should be the norm with the community and what we as a society should aim for.

As for my gender I'd made comments in the past that I wished I could just be genderless and it really kind of sat with me when my ex-best friend came out as trans bc I was like "Oh? You don't have to be the gender you are at birth?" Belial from Angel Sanctuary was a character that resonated with me at the time, and this was right around the time I made my ace friends. It wasn't until a year later that I discovered the nb community and one friend who was genderfluid that I decided to start trying different pronouns. And basically I came out as questioning and transitioned to nb without a formal declaration, which I also feel should be the goal for society.

I was at a con with my best friend at the time who was trans and he'd come out with my now ex-best friend while they were dating. And I was really anxious bc I felt like ppl would assume I was a transtrender and shit, and my friend said something about gender and I kind of awkwadly implied I might not identify as female and he was really great about it! He was like "If you wanna talk about it or try different pronouns you can." :D

5. Describe what it was like coming out.

I pretty much did this im question 4 hehehe.

6. If you're out, how did ppl react?

I'm not out to family, that I know of. They found my facebook which has my identity listed in my about, so I'm in limbo with them where none of us talk about it so idk if they register it as an LGBTQ thing or not.

My friends were all supportive! It helps that I have like no cishet friends lmao.

I also came out to my class on TDOV two years ago for a project where we step outside our comfort zone. I'm luckily in the social work program which has social justive built into the tenants of the profession so it was pretty positive! People still misgendered me after and were more concerned with "but i'm scared of ppl getting angry at me what should i do to talk about this with them" which. 9__9 Not surprising. But there was a mom whose kid and her kid's partner are both genderfluid and bigender so it was a good experience and I had an ally which made me comfortable in sharing it in the first place.

7. What is one question you hate ppl asking about your sexuality?

Inevitably when I say I'm ace, non-aces assume I have no interest in dating which. Way to conflate being aroace with ace and ignore that there are aros and aces who want relationships. That's my biggest pet peeve.

8. Describe the style of clothing you often wear.

I wear flannels and ripped jeans or shorts mainly. I basically dress like a butch lesbian. I'll wear dresses and stuff but I do not like dressing femme and prefer to offset softer things with hard things. Like. When I wear dresses I have to wear clunky combat boots with them or have short hair or something.

9. Who are your favorite LGBTQ+ ships?

Hmmm. Depends if you mean canon or not. Canon, it's probably FigAyda from D20 and Catradora from She-ra. Shion/Nezumi from No.6 is also one of my faves. There's also Chie and Ai from Virgin's Empire. Blupjeans from The Adventure Zone and JonMartin from The Magnus Archives.

As for Not Confirmed ships, I like Flick/CJ from Animal Crossing, Tsuna/Enma from Katekyo Hitman Reborn, uhhh. Reigisa from Free!, Kanji/Naoto from Persona and Chihiro/whatever the fuck his name is Mondo? Or the other guy I forget, from Danganronpa. Also RenLaw, RenStrade, and VinceLaw+VinceFarz from BTD.

(I am including straight relationships involving trans ppl obv.)

10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I hate how I look with make up it makes me dysphoric. But to me makeup is a good expressive outlet and bomb as hell, so when I do wanna wear makeup, I prefer wearing eyeliner and lipstick (esp in black or blue or green or purple) and glitter.

11. Do you experience dysphoria? How does it affect you?

I experience what I refer to as Silhouette Dysphoria a lot. I experience chest dysphoria but a lot of times it's less about me having them at all and me not liking how I look with them. The same goes for my hips and overall shape. Hence silhouette. I also experience genital dysphoria to a lesser degree, and when I do it's less hating my genitals bc they should be different but more just having any at all. Luckily I was born with internal genitalia so I don't have to think about it as much. Social dysphoria I also experience, but I've talked about that already.

How I deal with it is binding and stuff.

12. What is the stupidest thing you've heard said about the LGBTQ+ community?

Hmm. The ppl who genuinely argue that accepting the community means you'll be forced to accept pedophilia or beastiality. Like. Lmao no?

13. Favorite thing about the community?

I just love how great it feels to be in it tbh. It can be so positive and loving and just genuinely make you feel good about yourself.

14. Least favorite thing about the community?

Exclusionists.

15. Have you ever been to your city's pride event?

No, but I went to Pride in Des Moines!!! IT WAS GREAT!

16. Favorite LGBTQ+ celebrity?

I don't really follow celebrities, but probably Ian McEllen and Tim Gunn.

17. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I was in a relationship for a while with a friend of mine and it was wonderful tbh. We met in a server and started talkng more, and started out as qpps then became partners and like we broke up, but I still enjoyed the experience and wouldn't go back in time and stop it from happening. My other qpp tho. That's something I would do lmao.

I also have a bf but that's a secret~

18. Favorite LGBTQ+ book.

I haven't read a lot of books, so I guess I have to say The Raven Cycle bc that's the only one I remember reading.

19. Have you ever faced discrimination?

Mmmm the only time I have experienced direct discrimination I was giving a friend valentines chocolate in high school and some kid called me a d*ke when i walked past him.

The other stuff is like. My therapist telling me to check for a hormone imbalance when I said I was asexual.

20. Favorite LGBTQ+ movie/show?

She-ra, "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything", The Runaways (the movie not the show), No. 6.

21. Favorite LGBTQ+ bloggers?

I don't have any lmao.

22. Which slur do you want to reclaim?

Queer, bc it's already been reclaimed and it fits me.

23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar or drag show? How was it?

Nope. Never, but it'd be fun!!

24. How do you idrntify your gender?

Already answered this lol.

25. Interested in having kids?

Nope. I'd be too scared of screwing them up.

26. What identity service would you give your younger self?

I wish I'd known there was an ace community before I was older tbh. So that, probably.

27. What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I personally like playing a feminine role, but I also think gender roles are unecessary, so like. As long as I'm an equal I don't care what role I play lmao. If you wanna treat me like the handmaiden, as long as you're not doing it bc you see me as a woman I don't care.

28. Anything else you wanna share about your gender?

Nah. Just. I don't bother trying to pin it down anymore bc the more I analyze it the less I understand it.

29. Something you wish ppl knew about being LGBTQ+?

Hmmmm not really. It's fun outside of the systemic oppression?

30. Why are you proud to be LGBTQ+?

For me it's less about pride in being LGBTQ+ and more being proud to express myself authentically. 🤷

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Ayesha Liveblogs Naruto Shippuden S21

What a tender intro omg also why is this filler so well animated

The introduction of modern technology will never not be funny to me. Kakashi on a laptop. Gaara sending emails. What has the ninja world come to 

I know it’s just superfluous background motion but that angry little cat design was amazing. Takes me tf out 

Hello again New English Iruka Voice time to feel slightly uncomfortable 

Doesn’t Inuyasha have a monopoly on this baby with a red ball imagery

Why! Is! No one! Making sure! Naruto is fed! He’s a baby!!!!!!

Naruto and Sasuke were such adorable children my heart

SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THE FAMILY WHERE ONE OF THE CHILDREN IS JUST A FROG? WHO IS DOING THESE BACKGROUND ANIMATIONS?????

In case you thought I wasn’t being literal:

[Accompanying dialogue to this image: “Did you hear the rumours that Lord Fourth died because of him?” WHO IS THIS FROG CHILD WITH A VENDETTA AGAINST MINATO]

This ninja cowboy music seems slightly misplaced but okay

Hiruzen. U r the literal ninja president. Naruto is foraging in the forest for food bc no one is taking care of him! How r u like ‘Hahah I’m hungry too :D’ 

“The things that we inconsequential humans worry about are often very petty indeed” “You’re right” It’s Philosophy Hours ft. Pre-Schoolers 

“Are you sure these mushrooms are safe to eat? “Won’t know ‘til we eat ‘em” HIRUZEN PICK UP THE PHONE 

SCREAMS FIVE YEAR OLD NARUTO JUST JUMPED OFF THE HOKAGE MONUMENT AHHHHHH

I miss Neji :((((((((((((((((

“Please make sure that you look after Neji” show us Neji’s mum you cowards!!!

“You have to be more positive, and confident!” Nejiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii my boy

“I wish that I could switch places with you, big brother” There’s a lot to unpack here and I’m wildly concerned about all of it. This episode ought to be titled Konoha Desperately Requires Child Welfare Programs

Making an mini-episode which largely depicts Neji’s tragic backstory and centring its ending on Hinata seems like an odd angle to take

 “I’m alone. I don’t have anyone, but I never cry” NARUTOOOOO

KJHFKJHG THIS NINJA BASEBALL OUTRO I LOVE IT 

SASUKE USING HIS SHARINGAN TO CHEAT AT BASEBALL I WHEEZE

Also not that I don’t like Genma but why is he a central figure in this ending. Has he had more than a single conversation with Naruto in his life

Lmao @ Sasuke and Itachi’s child versions going back to having their adult voices. Pick a lane SP!!!

“Things in season are always cheap and tasty” “Oh, is that so, Sasuke? Hahaha” Sasuke learning about the ninja economy

“We’re going to visit your mother’s family” Two questions: 1) Aren’t your families the same family (eep) and 2) Don’t they all live in the same part of the village

90% of this dialogue is recycled from prior episodes except delivered more slowly and it’s a little confusing 

Itachi sure knows a lot about cooking for an eleven-year-old 

Sasuke being a clumsy child is such a cute character detail ahhhh I love him so much 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“[Confused laughter] You want to be like me?” What a Mood Itachi

Sakura’s hideout in the woods is so sweet yes 2 semi-normal childhoods

Poor little Sakura already concerned about her appearance they never let girls live do they

“You’re really cute Sakura, don’t hide it” Ino and Sakura are the most adorable children in the WORLD I love their relationship 4ever

“If she’s cute like you say, then I would love to meet her” who will stop all men

“But Ino, aren’t you good friends with Sakura?” “No, not really” Okay not to project but. I have a lot of thoughts on this narrative 

GASP Inner Sakura’s first appearance!!

Tiny Team 7 is all I need in the world honestly I would watch a whole show that was just those three growing up

I have only just now noticed Suigetsu as third baseman. This ninja baseball game and season in general raise so many questions

Noooo Gaara don’t cry you are gonna be so loved in the future

Rasa, can I just say, from the bottom of my heart, I’m going to yeet you into the sun

“When I look up at the sky, the pain inside my heart feels a little bit better” He’s like 4!!!!!!! >:(

“Instead of a mother, you get to have me, Lord Gaara” Yashamaru: Self-Diagnosed Mumncle 

Ngl baby Gaara’s recollection of Karura is nothing like she looked like

I really don’t care for this new Iruka voice I just keep listening to him like ‘that’s not the sound of Naruto’s dad!!’

I will admit him spooking the sleeping children was cute I don’t know why I always find that so funny kjhgkjhg

“Let me buy into this fight” who taught seven-year-old Naruto to gamble

Christ alive the implication that Naruto has been doing the sexy jutsu since he was seven who will put this boy in ninja therapy

If Orochimaru had just continued to be Jiraiya’s long-suffering friend he might be half-endearing but alas he is fecal matter personified 

“Come on out, I made plenty, so you might as well stay and eat” Hjgjfjgfgffg I’m not sure what’s funnier about this scene the implication that Obito and Rin both independently followed Kakashi home without noticing each other, or that Kakashi did notice and rather than question this turn of events was just like “Guess I should make more fish”

“When you’re older, do you think you’ll become a chef” I would pay to see the AU where Kakashi becomes a professional chef why couldn’t that have been his Road to Ninja persona 

Ngl I spent the first half of Kakashi’s minisode wondering if Sakumo was dead or simply too depressed to take care of Kakashi and I think dead is the less upsetting outcome 

“It’s no fun when you’re not around, Kakashi” Obitooooooooooooooo

I’m not saying it’s suspicious that Sakumo is given two different depictions of his grave site in the anime but Sakumo fucked an alien and I stand by that statement 

All I remember from Sasuke Shinden is that a character called Sasuke “Sassy” as a nickname and if they do that in the Eng dub I won’t survive

“[Deep sigh] Alright Sakura, what is it?” Fhfjhfkjh what’s your damage Kakashi can’t your kids come to visit when people start exploding

God Sakura and Ino’s relationship is the realest.... she went to the Hokage bc her gal was worried abt her family friend and then comforted her from her loss... the looooooooove

Hinata not to devalue your work in any way but why did u collapse after poking one (1) man in the chakra point isn’t gentle fist based in taijutsu

Fhjfhkjhf I’ve seen that gif before of Kakashi knowing that Sakura was thinking about Sasuke but it’s still funny

Sasuke just hanging in the woods with kittycats what kinda redemption journey is this lmao

Ehehehe I’m still not over the fact that Sasuke recognizes Sai’s jutsu and Kakashi uses it to communicate like there are six members of team 7 and this arc PROVES IT HELL YEAH

I can’t believe I forgot the circus ninja oh my god 

“There’s good money to be found for performers like us” MOVE OVER EXPLODING HUMANS WHERE’S MY EPISODE ABOUT THE NINJA CIRCUS 

Everyone always commenting on the pupils and sclera of the Hyuga and Uchiha but nobody caring about Old Man Demon Eyes from the Bamboo Village:

You’d think at this point no amount of genjutsu could traumatize Sasuke 

They’re leaning wholeheartedly into the ninja cowboy music

That is not how I thought they would pronounce “Sassy” this show is full of twists and turns

“What about reviving the Uchiha clan? You’re the lone survivor right?” said Chino, inquiring about when Sasuke was planning to have vaginal sex

“You really think you’re going to find him inside that seriously scary looking cave?” GASP IT’S TENZO TIME

AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE IT’S MY BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“You’re Sasuke, right?” asked Yamato, as if Sasuke had not provided the memorable introduction of stabbing a seasoned ANBU in the shoulder as a sixteen-year-old during a dramatic reunion with his team

“It would be easier for us to keep things coordinated, if you sent us progress reports as you went...” Okay not to be that gal but I love that Tenzo and Kakashi are an “us” in this mini-lecture about how Sasuke should call his father (Kakashi) more often

P sure that’s Yamato’s last speaking role goodbye sweet man we knew ye well

“So does this mean that you trust me?” GO TO JAIL OROCHIMARU

Every time that Orochimaru touches Sasuke I want to leap through the screen you leave that boy alone!!! Go! To! Jail!

Sasuke having to explain his social life to Taka is a dynamic I never knew I needed. What more do I want from Naruto than frames like this:

"By showing everyone that Sasuke isn’t in the Hidden Leaf Village and that he’s still out journeying around the world, it reduces the possibility that the village will be harmed” “So are you saying that Sasuke has to keep travelling forever” “That might be so” I can’t believe the entirety of Taka came up with a better explanation for Sasuke staying outside Konoha than Kishimoto himself

“Compared to me, the likelihood that Kabuto will return to evil is extremely low”

He still helped kill......... 40,000 people????? Okay dude

I CAN’T BELIEVE OROCHIMARU IS ACKNOWLEDGING HE IS STILL EVIL!!!! GO TO JAIL!!

I’m gonna pretend I don’t see Tenzo following Stranger Danger and he’s on vacation on a beach where he belongs

Fhjkhfkjhfkj what’s the meaning of this Orochimaru you’ve looked the same since you were 25:

Sasuke: No. She’s older than I am

Orochimaru: [Soft gasp] What?

Man I remember vaguely Sasuke being involved in this fight based on the Tenzo novel scene later on but hoo boy I do not like this

SCREAMMMM TENZO TRYING TO PROTECT PPL IN THE AREA HE’S HELPING

“I can’t make direct contact with him, so I better go now” I hope it is because you filed a restraining order, Yamato

“To increase the rarity, what I’ve even done is, had all but one person in a clan killed” at this point En Oyashiro is just trying to bait Sasuke

God I love how righteous Sasuke is being rn like this is the kind of dismantling of oppression I wanted for him instead of sad murder times

This battle is bonkers:

Villain: Looks like you brought a sword to a dodgeball fight

Sasuke: Looks like you brought a dodgeball to a magic eyes fight!!

Well I certainly breezed past this part of Sasuke Shinden hello Fushin

I find it hard to believe that anyone but Naruto could best Sasuke rn 

I keep joking that those eyes in the sky look like Tenzo but I’m right and I should say it

What a long, drawn-out and slightly suspicious backstory for Chino (looking at you, Fushin of two personality types)

“But now you’re still able to travel freely... and that is all because you have people who love and protect you” Team 7 cutaway with closeups of Sakura and Naruto, Narusasusaku game strong

“For the Leaf’s nourishment, your entire clan was absorbed by your village’s Roots” wow what a shitty time for such an excellent pun

Unbelievable kkhkjhfk and by this I mean completely believable:  

Chino: Please explain your change of heart re: village corruption

Sasuke: I got a boyfriend

Unbelievable x2:

Chino: KILL ME 

Sasuke: Consider this.... you have.... boy who is friend. Good enough

Chino: Wow Sasuke, you’re right

Lmao @ Kakashi proudly announcing that Sasuke is about to enter an unsanctioned jutsu fight in a bet to free enslaved people how did this letter go “Dear Hokage-dad-Kakashi, I am writing to inform you...”

Even funnier: If Tenzo wrote the letter bc Sasuke is shite at contacting people: “Dear Kakashi-senpai, Brace yourself to be worried and proud—”

“Are you Sasuke’s...” yes Chino, whatever the end of that sentence is, you’re correct

Huh I could’ve sworn at least a good chunk of these freed people go to the Leaf. I didn’t make that conversation up. I have discussed it many times!!! My poor Tenzo cut out for more logical story lines I guess 

Omggggggg the Raikage is telling Sasuke about Naruto’s most vulnerable Sasuke moment..... the love!!! Is this the only reason they invited A lmao

En Oyashiro joining Rasa and Hiashi in the Bad Dad Club

I’ve said this before but Naruto and Sakura going on a date to talk about Sasuke is the most legit representation for their relationship I’ve ever seen that’s it that’s what them dating would be like 

“You’re just like a one man police force” lol @ them cutting out the fact that Sakura said this bc Sakura’s not allowed to have individual connections to Sasuke and also just like....... how much Sasuke still wants to be a cop kjhgkjhgk baby stop

I’ve belatedly realized that Kakashi types to the beat of the intro music and it makes me giggle

“The adult world can be complicated” is that ur way of saying ‘nepotism’ Kakashi

“I’m startin’ to get a belly” “I don’t want to hear about all that” PLS

“You two are really the only ones who are special to me” aw Shikamaru

That slap was A  Lot, Temari, surely there are better ways to tell Shikamaru you want him to be your boyfriend

“You don’t really think that Sai has—” “Well, he is very innocent.” 

Kakashi about Sai: He’s the baby of the family

Sai: I’m the oldest and most experienced of all the youth???

Kakashi: I mark ur ages by when I got you xoxo ur legal age is 3

I’m not sure that that’s the intonation I expected for Hinoko but I guess that’s on me for stereotyping teen girls hahah

“That’s my ninja way” “Our ninja way” I feel like this is shinobi flirtation

The outro with Little Team 7 fading to Big Team 7... I have but one heart

Also the implication that they took a photo immediately post war jhgkjhgkj. Kakashi still has a barely healed stab wound and twenty years of trauma. Sasuke and Naruto both just lost an arm. Also who brought a camera to the battlefield. Who took this picture. (Tenzo waking up from a 224 episode coma: We gotta take a family photo)

“You might consider yourself a member of Team 7, but I wonder if they think the same of you” [Naruto voice] Believe it!!!!!!

“If we just kill the lookouts, it’ll be like easy to get past the checkpoint” okay calm down Soku

Lmao Shikamaru struggling to deal with rebellious teens jhghjkg why are the anime episodes I watch so fitting to my own life

Man not to get 2 real it’s fucked up that Soku fears peace wyd militarism 

I don’t really believe that Soku is deserting the village but it’s a good tactic

[Panning to the bird scene at the beginning of this arc] We call that foreshadowing

Komori’s judgement seems to be clouded by his lowkey crush on Soku

“I’ve just been having these really bizarre dreams lately” that’s PTSD Shikamaru

“Feudal lords are always [tyrants] no matter where you go” then why.... do you have.... feudalism.......... [Tobirama screams in the afterlife]

Not to judge these guys so much but like.... ur ANBU and a veteran ninja surely you should have a disguise after faking your death??????? Kakashi, Iruka, what shinobi standards are you teaching exactly?? U didn’t even change ur hairstyles???

“Something similar happened to me as well” what are you... are you talking about when you pretended to be asleep during the Chunin exams because that’s not the same thing as sleeping under a pile of corpses Shikamaru 

NOOOOOOOOOO SAI WHY ARE THEY HANGING MY ANGEL FROM A CRUCIFIX 

AHHHHHHH I don’t like seeing Sai like this, Kakashi’s right he’s a baby!!

“Let’s just say I’ve found the place where I belong” Fhdjskhfksjhf this is definitely Root Code for something because Kakashi uses this line on Tenzo in his Tsukuyomi dream

“Then why didn’t Naruto come to get me? You and I have never been particularly close, so why were you the one who came here?” LMAO SAI ‘you’re not on my list of eligible rescuers Shikamaru 😒😒😒😒’ 

“Fret not, to me this is but a trifle” said Ro, lying prostrate on the ground in between groans of pain (same)

I mean... Gengo makes some pretty compelling arguments abt the shinobi system

“The alliance of nations that the Leaf is currently a part of... is only going to maintain a dark, tenuous peace” I mean... Gengo’s right even if he is a dick

“Lord Hokage told me everything... and I had a hell of a time getting it out of him too” “I don’t want to know what you did... I don’t even want to imagine it” JHGKJHGKJHG I WANNA SEE TEMARI INTERROGATING A FORMER ANBU, KAGE-LEVEL NINJA I LOVE IT

Wait are these last twelve outros dedicated to each of the rookie teams + Team Guy bc that would be adorable

JHGJHGGHGJHG DO WE ACTUALLY GET TO SEE TEMARI YELL AT KAKASHI

Update from 3 seconds later: We don’t but Kakashi’s “Euh?” sound as she knocks down his door is still very funny

“Friendship is useless” “If that’s true, then why are you crying right now” he’s been taking Sasuke lessons in his spare time

“Do you know of a man named ‘Zabuza Momochi’” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“These are my only friends” said Sai, about two giant cartoon lions 

Sai’s genjutsu scene was actually much sweeter in the book bc Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi and Yamato’s chakra were all protecting him inside his own mind but I don’t mind my boy getting a hug

HAHAHAHAHA WHAT IS THIS CUTAWAY TO NARUTO BATHED IN GOLDEN LIGHT ANNOUNCING “RAMEN” LIKE IT’S A WHOLE SENTENCE OKAY STUDIO PIERROT U NEED A BREAK I GET IT

“What in the hell was that?” that was also my question Shikamaru

Shikamaru with full conviction: To be lazy.... that is my dream 

Hahahaha it’s Ninja Teen Romance Hours I guess

“Oh, you don’t want to [go out on a date]?” No that’s not what I’m saying” [walks away] TEMARI PLS

“Going on a date without a strategy, would be like trying to fight a tailed beast unarmed” [Nodding] “You have zero chance of winning, that way” I suddenly understand Kakashi’s dating life a lot more

They really rely on you being aware of Naruto the Last huh gjkhgkjhgk there’s been no mention in any of this filler of Naruto and Hinata even being in a relationship to this point as far as I remember

Fhjkfhkjhfkfh poor Iruka none of the kids know he’s President of the Naruto’s Dad Society

“I know I’m supposed to be striving to get ahead in my career, but there’s also a part of me that really wants to just continue teaching kids, one on one” Irukaaaaa <3333333

Looool even as Hokage, Kakashi just drops out of nowhere to give cryptic life advice and then leaves

Smash the statue, Tsukune, don’t let the establishment tell u what to do!!

“Eating ramen everyday isn’t healthy you know” am I to believe that Kakashi, the man who told Naruto, ‘if you're going to be a ninja, you need to eat your vegetables’ is on a ramen-only diet?? Falsehoods

“And it’s all thanks to you Iruka” khjhgkjhgjhg alright.... you win this round KKIR shippers

WHO IS ANIMATING THIS SCENE IT IS BUCKWILD??? There is no character model to speak of, most of the kids don’t have noses, everyone’s upside down or spinning around, and Iruka is... hiding in a frog sign???

There is no English translation of this caption???? EXPLAIN JAPAN. TELL ME YOUR FROG SECRETS YOU KNOW I LOVE FROGS [INSERT PICTURE OF TENZO HERE]

(Update I looked it up in the sub and the caption offers no more insight. “IRUKA UMINO, AROUND 30 YEARS OLD. STEALTHILY”)

“This is for Hinata, so let’s all try our hardest” Kiba loves Hinata MOST

You know how if you pause in the middle of an animated action, you sometimes linger on an in-between image that looks goofy because it was meant to add to the motion rather than be focused on? This whole episode is animated like one of those images

It’s okay Lee the only dumbbell Naruto is fixated on is Sasuke Uchiha

I know don’t usually post so many images in these liveblogs, but I really need anyone reading this to see the Leaf Village’s semi-canonical Unofficial Mascot Konorin:

He is??? The love of my life???

“I don’t even have a boyfriend and train every day from morning til night” yes you do. His name is Neji Hyuga and he’s very alive and he’s a jonin sensei and he will buy you all the knives you want after he takes all of Hiashi’s money and redistributes it. In this essay I will—

You see what I mean??? Neji wants to be there for Tenten (and Lee)!!!

Tenten: What would Neji do if he were here now

Neji: [starts manifesting]

“It’s you since you’re a taijutsu specialist, but Naruto and Hinata aren’t” yes????? Hinata is???? She doesn’t use weapons but Gentle Fist is entirely taijutsu??? Why does everyone keep forgetting

KHKGJHKJHGKFHKJHFKJ I CAN’T GET OVER NEJI JUST. MANIFESTING ABOVE LEE’S BED TO GIVE HIM SHITTY WEDDING GIFT IDEAS 

“And don’t forget: Hyuga” Neji........ what.... does this mean!!!!!!!!

Why say “Neji” like that Orochimaru and in fact why say anything at all [Konan voice] I’m the Hokage now, the entire criminal justice system is on its way you are going to jail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really can’t believe that the Naruto writers looked at Tenzo’s role in Naruto SD and decided “let’s do that.... but worse” 

They animated?????????? A smaller Lee??????????? Into Lee’s mouth???????????? As if the animation style wasn’t enough. I need a minute

They are really going full Naruto SD huh??? Cut away skit like a ‘genjutsu’ scne. Lee and Guy playing a married couple and Tenten a baby. Neji in drag. This is a choice

“How can you misunderstand Neji so much” “Even if it’s only as a ghost, I’m sure that Neji would appear” I need. Several minutes

Fhjkhfkjfh Shikamaru’s vision of Gaara, Bee, Kakashi and Tsunade hanging out at this fancy restaurant. Is this who he thinks Kakashi’s social circle is these days (he might be right)

“Okay, I’ll hear you out!” Is this implication of this scene that Temari thinks Shikamaru’s idea of a first date is marriage... and she’s WILLING TO GO ALONG WITH THAT. TEMARI PLS

“Hey Ino, why would you go out of your way to make something I love? Bc she looooves you Sakura

“Sakura, I thought the same thing” GOD JUST GET MARRIED

“It’ll be too late once we go in, I could get all caught up in the mood or something like that” wait........ does Temari think Shikamaru wants to get married or fuck???? Or both??? OH MY GOD

Gaara: Naruto’s getting married.... without meeeeeeeeeee

God I love Gaara’s Blank Period hair it is truly careless and happy hair

“His ramen’s extravagent?” JKGHKHKJH everyone in the Leaf Village trying to convince Gaara that Naruto’s taste is incredibly obnoxious which is true but not in the way being described 

Kankuro what’s your damage let Gaara buy a nice and personal present for the love of his life 

Every time I think this arc can’t get more ridiculous it exceeds my expectations:

[Vaguely horrified accompanying dialogue: “The Raikage—” “—Will do the Hidden Cloud Dance?”]

“Well then, Gaara is just going to have to do the Hidden Sand Samba” Ah. Of course. The Hidden Sand Samba. Why didn’t anyone think of this plan before

Gaara is blushing because his new dream is just to samba dance with Naruto into the night

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh Teuchi giving Naruto an “all you can eat forever” coupon that’s cute our sweet boy is so loved 

Gaara: My wedding gift to you, Naruto... is me :)

“I’m just disappointed that we aren’t going to get to see you dance, Gaara” you know what that’s fair Kankuro me too 

Hahahaha Shino dissing Kiba’s plight for becoming Hokage to these random kids

I can’t pay attention to anything this ninja cat is saying because they’ve got Naruto’s voice and it is very distracting

There’s something to be curious about how it would be if Kiba married into a family that has a contract with the Uchiha lmao

Literally the girl who Kiba is supposed to be in love with is given Hinata’s voice #kibahinarights

“Oh, just take it. Money means nothing to me” the Beekeeper is truly one of the strangest characters in the Naruto universe just conceptually. Why are they wearing a giant bee stinger on their butt?

LMAO @ Kiba having absolutely no self-doubt whatsoever. Goals!!

Shino becoming a teacher after the war is actually one of the post-699 futures I like, good for him!

Iruka sweet man Naruto has compared you to a father like 1500 times have you not overheard him one (1) time

Kakashi is such a dumb stubborn bitch trying to find a way for Naruto to have a happy wedding... I love him

“This is my fault, I never taught him how to treat women! Not that I even really know about that kind of thing of course” Iruka Umino confirmed canonically gay

“I just have to bow my head a little” KKIR: 2; Me: 0

I love this tradition of Hokage boys bowing their heads for cooperation between villages yesssssssssssss

Outro for the whole OG Team 7.... I’m fine everything’s fine I’m good cool cool cool cool cool

The implication that they just sell Kakashi wigs in the village... amazing

I know this is about to be an emotionally poignant moment but what Naruto’s presence is reminding is that the only word he has said in the past 6 episodes is “ramen” LMAO

“I’m going to have to apologize to her for raising you as a such a thoughtless, inconsiderate man” raising you... RAISING YOU..................... TRULY PRESIDENT OF THE NARUTO’S DAD SOCIETY GOD BLESS IRUKA UMINO

LOOK AT THIS CRYBABY NINJA THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT ONE OF MY FAVOURITE PARTS OF KONOHA HIDEN WAS HOW IRUKA KEPT BURSTING INTO TEARS OVER NARUTO EVERY OTHER MINUTE THIS IS WHAT BONDS LOOK LIKE

God..................... the Team 7 lover in me just despairs of this final episode bc they’re all separated and also Tenzo needs justice 4 being Kakashi’s co-wedding planner it’s in the book I read it!!!!

I will set aside my feelings to recognize that Kakashi looks very handsome

Goodbye Naruto you were certainly an experience and I mean that in every possible intonation 

[if-you-built-yourself-a-myth]

hi! :) I saw your post about prompts... and idk if this is something you'd be interested in writing, but something sort of canon-compliant Marti/Nico during season 3? like when did they start talking about moving in together? or how did the whole 'trying to convince Elia to date Silvia' thing go down? or even something with more angst, maybe about the aftermath of that fight? also, just a suggestion, you might try one of those prompt lists, I think more ppl would send you stuff that way. :)

I decided to do the aftermath of the fight, because I’m an angst whore :) 

(Also, you’ll have to message me about how to do that fic list because it’s a great idea but I have no idea how to execute it.)

Tonightwas the worst night of Martino’s life, no question about it.

Afterthe fight, he wanted to take the bus home by himself. It was bad enough to ruinthe atmosphere of an otherwise lively party, but even worse to make everyonefawn over him in the aftermath. Anyway, there were only three stops between theparty and his own house. Being alone would give him a chance to think. AboutNiccolò, about being alive, about being out on the street, fuck, even aboutneeding a savior all the time. Maybe he’d find some way to riddle throughwhatever faint-hearted purpose stopped him from throwing a punch in return whenone was thrown at him.

Gio,however, would have none of it. He insisted that he, Elia, and Luca sit withMartino inside the house until they could be sure that the rest of the otherboys were gone. When Martino protested, he said they would ride the bus withhim. They cared about him so damn much. Where would he be if they didn’t?

The girlsall left after Edoardo joined the fray. Where would they be if they didn’t care?

He tookthe ride in silence.

He didn’twant his mother to worry, so he went straight to his room upon arriving home.He locked both the front door and the door to his room. Just in case. He could neverbe too careful, even if he knew there was no way the people could have followedhim back. He planned to go straight to sleep, so he couldwake up the next morning and pretend he’d been too wasted to remember the nightbefore; his mother would be upset, but he was sure she’d rather hear thatexcuse over what actually happened.

And whatexactly was that? He’d gone outside to smoke and call Niccolò, just to tell himthat the party was amazing and that he should be there. Nothing more, nothingless. He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, or anything to provoke anger,or anything more heinous than exist. Nico wanted to stay home to watch theseason finale of some crappy American show and Martino planned to make fun ofhim for missing out on the fun in the name of a program. A lighthearted phonecall. That’s all he wanted. He barely even had the number dialed before he sawthe boys approaching across the street, and next thing he knew—

No wayhe would tell his mother. She’d flip. She already had enough to deal with, andhe couldn’t add to it.

Hesettled into bed in the same clothes he’d worn all day. On top of the blankets.From the second his head hit the pillow he knew sleep could not be an option.How was he supposed to sleep, when things like this happened and could happenagain at any moment? Instead, he scanned across the dark room for something tolook at. Something calming. His eyes caught on the pictures of Niccolò hung inhaphazard locations throughout the bedroom. Martino had an Instagram, and he’dposted a photo or two of Niccolò on it before, but in all of them there wereother people on the sides so he and Nico could look like good friends. He knewit could be detrimental to post anything explicitly stating otherwise, and ifhe hadn’t before, tonight proved it. Instead, he taped all photos of Nico andhimself to his bedroom walls and framed a few to set on his desk andnightstand. Niccolò, he could look at Niccolò, and that would make everythingokay again. As he lay in bed, he reached out to pick up the closest frame.

“It’sworth it,” he repeated to himself. Nico smiled at him from the picture, as heplayed some sort of complex song on the piano. Martino himself sat in thebackground, banging on the keys in random arrangements. Gio took this photo. MaybeMartino should call Gio, tell him that everything was fine and he was homesafe. No, he’d received Gio’s pity enough for one day. Instead, Martino dialedthe number he didn’t get to finish earlier that night.

“Marti?Are you okay?”

Martinosmiled at the sound of his boyfriend’s voice, thick with sleep yet concernednonetheless. He knew that Nico would hear the story from Gio or Elia the nextday, or perhaps earlier from Eva or Silvia via text message, but he didn’t see thepoint in worrying him over anything right now.

“Yeah,”he replied, trying not the choke on the words. “I’m fine.”

“Why didyou call?”

Martinotook a deep breath. He wanted to say everything, talk about walking through thebackyard with the joint and running into the older boys. He wanted to talkabout how the fist felt when it connected with his cheek, how he knew it wouldbruise long before the blood sprang to the surface of his skin, how his armssomehow couldn’t move from his sides to defend himself. More than anything, hewanted to tell Niccolò that he really wanted to see him. He needed to feeltheir skin pressed together, needed to breathe in his scent. But not tonight.Far be it from him to steal Nico’s peace of mind for something as trivial as afight. “I just wanted to hear your voice is all. Sorry.”

He heardNico shuffle around on the end of the line, probably sitting up in bed. “Do youwant me to keep talking?”

“Yes.”Martino’s voice broke on the word, and he inhaled to mask it.

“Marti?What’s wrong?”

Evenfrom miles away, he could picture the look on Nico’s face. Fuck, another personto be worried about him, just like Gio and Elia and Luca. He hated feeling so helpless.

“Nothing.Everything’s okay. I just want—”

He heardeven more shuffling on the other end as Nico cut him off cold. “I’m on my way.”

[loires]

none of this is revised properly, so expect a lot of meandering. this is me yelling into the void.

i’m indifferent to marvel and this genre in general: i haven’t read the comics; i’ve watched many of the marvel movies, but not all of them. my favorite is black panther, and i also like guardians of the galaxy—maybe doctor strange, too (while i have a few issues with it, i ultimately enjoyed the journey and would rewatch it)...?

that said, i appreciate how you don’t necessarily have to see all of the movies to understand the gist of what's going on. sure, you’ll get more out of it if you do, but i don’t think it’s necessary. i enjoyed all of the cameos and the revisited scenes that i recognized in endgame. other things that i liked in endgame—ones that i immediately thought of...

the final battle is awesome — the music is wonderful, and i loved seeing everyone united and together; it's a great moment

time heist — because TIME TRAVEL

nebula! — i really enjoyed seeing her confront her old self; i’m guessing she opened up an alternate reality by killing her old self, and i wonder if that will be addressed in the future

gamora + nebula — UHHH, I JUST LOVE THEM

nebula + iron man — the lil football scene was cute

the ancient one — hate how she’s whitewashed; love tilda swinton; pretty much screamed when she reappeared... ;;;_____;;;

doctor strange + iron man — they play off of one another well in infinity war, and i liked seeing them here too

iron man — i don’t like what it means for pepper and their daughter, but ultimately i like the way his story ends

hulk in a cardigan + glasses

rocket + thor — their moments together in infinity war are delightful; while i think their dialogue is a bit iffy at times in endgame (i.e. the whole "you think you lost ppl??? i've lost ppl too!!!" bit because comparing losses on top of everything that's lobbed at thor in this film KINDA pisses me off)

starting with thanos’ death — i didn’t expect it, and it got me engaged in the beginning

INFINITY WAR

i thought infinity war was okay...? maybe less than okay now after endgame.

i liked the final battle. i loved how intense it was, and even though i wasn’t familiar with wanda or vision or their relationship, i felt for them. i enjoyed seeing the guardians of the galaxy crew + iron man + spider-man + doctor strange team up a lot; i liked seeing all of the black panther characters again, too.

there are some parts of it that i didn’t like when i first watched it, but i decided to wait until i watched endgame before picking at / thinking more deeply about them. after watching the sequel, though, my thoughts are pretty much the same.

thanos as the villain protagonist — it’s an intriguing way to tell the story, and i’m all for it in theory, but it ultimately doesn’t work for me. for him to work, i have to be able to empathize with him and understand his cause. i have to believe in him and his goal. he believes in what he’s doing, sure, but can i?

no. i can’t because literally what the fuck. the entire concept of “too many people in the world, not enough resources” is bullshit, and it doesn’t help that thanos’ thinking echoes that of malthus / ehrlich which is false and is also rooted in racism + classism. SO YOU KNOW... THAT’S COOL, I GUESS. it might be? asking too much of the writing to address thanos’ argument on a philosophical level, but just having the other heroes call him a “madman” all the time—! it kind of drove me nuts as i was watching because it doesn’t highlight the fundamental flaws of thanos’ thinking in the first place. it’s a good vs. evil story, it’s “not supposed to be that deep,” i get it, but it just really bothers me how this film reduces the overpopulation myth into “oh, he’s just crazy” because UH... there are actual people in the world who subscribe to thanos’ thinking as fact and, frankly, it’s dangerous to lay the argument out like that and not challenge it on a higher level.

there’s thanos’ thought process and then there’s just... thanos himself.

i’m supposed to feel for this guy? why? because he’s abused his daughters over and over again...? he even tortures nebula in this film???

which leads me to how he acquires the soul stone. to obtain it, you have to sacrifice someone you love. okay, i buy it, fine. but thanos loving gamora? what.

what the fuck. he abused her, he manipulated her—i??? sorry, that’s not love. gamora even says in the film, “this isn’t love,” and you know what?! SHE’S RIGHT. as far as i’m concerned, thanos shouldn’t have gotten the stone, and if the stone accepts him as its keeper just because he flings gamora off a cliff then the soul stone can go fuck itself.

in retrospect, the whole “fling your loved one off a cliff to get the soul stone” is dumb as hell, but i bought the concept while watching, so it’s fine, i guess.

whatever... he gets all the stones in the end... and then there’s the next movie.

ENDGAME

as i said before, i liked thanos’ death in the beginning. it’s unexpected and it made me curious as to where the movie would go from there.

after that, it’s a five year time skip.

when they mentioned time travel, i was excited! the film kind of drags to get to the actual time traveling, however. i get that it’s important to establish how it all works, etc. but BOY. does it take a while. i was shocked when i saw this movie would be 3 hrs. long, but now i kind of understand why.

the time travel is fine. i chuckled at don cheadle’s bit with the “why don’t we just strangle baby thanos” and that’s as much as i liked from this part of the film.

just... the way grief is addressed and handled here... what.

hawkeye. it’s one thing for the other avengers to be, “we don’t know where he is or what he’s been up to.” it’s another thing entirely for them to be aware of what he’s been doing and then DO NOTHING ABOUT IT FOR FIVE YEARS. just—what?! this isn’t a priority for them? natasha and the others are just fine with hawkeye killing people as a way of dealing with the loss of his family? and no, it doesn’t matter that those guys he’s slaughtering are criminals or whatever—because UH, and i can’t believe i have to say this: killing people is not a good way to deal with grief??? not to mention the others clearly recognize it as something very troubling themselves—and THEN THEY DO NOTHING ABOUT IT. BECAUSE..... . . .. . WHY???

“i think we’re supposed to assume...” no, sorry. i’m not asking to have everything spelled out to me, but give me something. was hawkeye too hard to track (even though it seems they find him immediately in tokyo, but OKAY), were they too depressed over what happened, were they too scared to confront him—what was it that made them leave him like that for five years?

(don’t get me started on hawkeye in tokyo. yes, let’s just have him—a white man—slaughter japanese criminals because samurai swords are COOL and so is tokyo. fuck off. thanks for reminding me again just how diverse the main cast of this film is.)

it’s the same thing with thor. just... what?!

none of you wanted to reach out to him in the last five years and see how he’s been coping??? the people of new asgard were just... okay? with seeing him once a month? they were just okay??? knowing he was drowning himself in alcohol???!! what the fuck. like valkyrie is there in new asgard while all of this with thor is happening, what. WHAT.

it’s not like i expect hawkeye or thor or everyone else to be totally fine and dandy after all that’s happened, but it really irritates me how it seems like nobody’s tried to help or reach out to either of them in all these years. if they did, just imply it better???

moving on, it’s endearing to see thor power through his own misgivings and self-doubts during the movie, but those fat jokes can fuck off. because you know it’s not like REAL PEOPLE deal with depression or guilt or anxiety through food. it’s not like weight gain is a REAL LIFE thing that happens to people who are depressed or stressed or anything. YEAH, LET’S MAKE FUN OF HOW FAT HE IS BECAUSE HAHAHAHAHA FAT JOKES. FUCK YOU. at one point, thor reunites with his mother in the past, who literally recognizes his grief/emotions + mentions how the future hasn’t been kind to him, but HAHAHA DON’T FORGET TO HAVE HER MENTION HOW HE SHOULD EAT A SALAD BEFORE HE LEAVES.

it’s lazy humor, and that’s how i feel about most of endgame’s jokes. i think there were one or two moments that got a real laugh out of me and that’s it.

it just infuriates me how everyone else’s pain and anguish is allowed to be taken seriously, but not thor because HAHA HE’S SO FAT NOW. this picking on thor happens throughout the movie, and... it’s just been a LONG TIME since i was actively annoyed while watching a film, and even thinking about it now upsets me A LOT.

maybe i wouldn’t think the first portion of the film to be so slow if i enjoyed these different reunions, etc. but i was so worn down by the above points that i just wanted the time travel bit to start already so we could leave this behind and move on.

like i said before, i enjoyed traveling to older films, revisiting scenes, seeing different versions of the characters, etc. it’s really cool to see just how many people they brought back for endgame.

but natasha and hawkeye, though. what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?! THERE’S TWO PARTS TO THIS...

so... you have to sacrifice someone you love to get the soul stone. SACRIFICE... .. . . AS IN.. .. . WILLINGLY.. . . . SURRENDERING... SOMETHING... sorry but it looked like natasha fucking sacrificed herself instead of hawkeye sacrificing her? SHE KICKED OFF THE ROCK SO HE WOULD LET GO OF HER WHILE HE HIMSELF DIDN’T WANT TO LET GO. HOW IS THIS A REAL SACRIFICE OF A LOVED ONE??? NEITHER OF THEM WANTED TO GIVE UP EACH OTHER, NEITHER OF THEM WERE WILLING TO ACCEPT THE SACRIFICE THAT NEEDED TO BE MADE.

like thanos’ acquisition of the soul stone is bullshit because he didn’t truly love gamora but at least he willingly made that sacrifice. i mean, if you want an actual version of what the soul stone rule dictates, go back to infinity war with wanda and vision: they love each other and, in the end, despite her reluctance, wanda ultimately chooses to destroy the mind stone, sacrificing vision, because she knows thanos can’t have it!

also... UH, WHY NATASHA??? yeah, because i needed that again after gamora. because i needed that again after ALL THE OTHER DEAD DAUGHTERS OR WIVES OR WHATEVER + MAN PAIN, DELICIOUS MAN PAIN that happens in the other films. HAHA.

not to mention using the same shot on natasha as the one on gamora in infinity war—just a broken body lying in a pool of blood at the bottom of a cliff. cool, cool. not infuriating at all.

again, i like the time travel in this movie; it all makes sense. but i didn’t really get how evil!nebula was able to teleport thanos and his entire ship to the present...? i guess they engineered more of the particles they stole from good!nebula or something...?

finally, steve rogers. uhhh... i don’t think i would’ve minded his ending so much if the overall tone / message of the movie were more consistent...?

in the beginning, after the five year time skip, he’s at some kind of support group, and he says something like, “you need to try and take little steps, you have to move on” after all that has happened. that’s a powerful message, and it’s suitable for endgame.

the message is contradicted somewhat in the beginning, since the heroes choose to undo what thanos did. but throughout the film, the characters go back in time and revisit the past: past selves, past events, past mistakes—people of the past that are no longer with them in the future. eventually they all have to say goodbye and return to the present without them: move on, knowing and accepting that there’s some things that you can’t redo or change.

steve and peggy also address this concept in another captain america movie. they reunite, when she’s old and lying in bed, and she tells him basically the same thing he says in the support group...?

PEGGY (CAPTAIN AMERICA: WINTER SOLDIER) The world has changed, and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best. And sometimes the best that we can do is to start over.

this message pretty much speaks to the journey of most of the characters. thor with his mother, wanda with vision, hawkeye with natasha (ignoring how i hate how everything happened), etc.

but by going back in time and choosing to stay with peggy, it doesn’t seem like steve aligns with that message at all...? and it’s weird because he’s the one to bring it up in this movie—and it’s echoed in his other major films? so having steve ultimately not being able to move on from peggy and the life he could’ve lived is...??? it just seems to contradict endgame and everything else in it, and it’s just... weird to have the movie end like that. i’m not sure how i feel. it’s sweet, but... IDK. it feels very abrupt.

i enjoyed the big final battles of both movies, but the journey to get to those moments is just as important... and sometimes it’s a rocky one. anyways, i felt very mixed / frustrated after watching endgame, and writing all of this down helped. i’ll probably delete it all later.