#and im not really used to it bcs i self isolate a lot

[softmeetscreatureplz]

I am so very unwell about physical affection. Also I want more of it. :<

[fairycosmos]

this is a pretty silly question, but do you ever feel like it’s been getting harder & harder to speak to/befriend people our age? i do, especially online. maybe i’ve personally just been having really bad luck? but dozens of dozens of people i’ve met have just been really mean, judgemental, try to come off as apathetic as possible, etc. ive been in so many gcs/spaces where ive seen if someone tries to strike up a convo people just respond with “oh” or “erm.” or they’re all just cringing at someone for liking or enjoying something. i’ve also had a lot of experiences of being unable to hold convos with people bc they only want to talk about themself/ their own interests & then the convo dies when i try to do the same. idk where i’m going with this honestly, but i feel a huge difference from even just a few years ago? even if we were strangers or didn’t end up clicking i could still have a lot of interesting convos with people, it honestly makes me a bit sad to see so many of us being so scared to talk to people and have more silly interactions

oh yeah i mean broadly speaking ppl are absolutely allergic to anything or anyone that exudes the slightest bit of earnestness esp online. i think its gotten worse the last few yrs like this absolute need for everything to be dripping in irony, hyper self awareness, nonchalance …… anything that’s not super curated is going to get that “oh!” or “that’s not-“ reaction. weirdly feels like that school environment where everyone is kind of laughing at you all the time (or waiting for the opportunity to.) and unfortunately that makes it rly hard for like any authentic human connection to happen which is shit bc i feel like we’re all so lonely but our communication skills have collectively atrophied …….. i rmr back in the day i could talk to the most random ppl in skype group chats even if we had nothing in common it was just ppl hanging out from all over the world and that was so cool ! now the internet just feels like one big performance and one big shopping center simultaneously lmfao. there’s not a lot of substance or even fun there anymore. ANYWAY! im sorry you’re having this experience too, i completely understand how isolating and depressing it is. if you ever want to chat about stuff you’re interested in my inbox will be open - i would love to hear it 💌💌

[jqtsblyth]

How I imagine Tom Blyth as a boyfriend (headcanon)

i’m sorry but my mind is full of british actors and blondies 🙏🏽 (english is not my first language) | read part 2 here

sfw • green flags 🟢

you’ll have a lot of fun! you can expect a lot of internal jokes, random videos together goofing around

super chill, like you two rather stay at home at a friday night watching comfort TV shows, order or cook something

golden retriever bf!!! but honestly tom doesn’t seems to be clingy or use words of affirmation all the time, but it’s okay bc he can make it up with other things, like…

… acts of service as a love language: when you sick, he’ll do anything for you even when you can make it yourself, he won’t let it.

kinda vain and smells reeeally good

big sense of humour and probably will laugh the shit out of you when you misspell a word or stumble

will make you fall in love with him by being super annoying on purpose

likes to cuddle sometimes when he’s feeling needy - which is not so frequent, tom seems to be self-sufficient

perfect karaoke partner 💜

nsfw 🔞

sometimes gropes you just for fun but if you don’t stop him you’ll end up on his bed

softdom for sure!!

but also a sweetheart

tender and intense, eye contact all the time

not much stamina, it depends on his mood but mostly just one round. im sorry lol

quickies 🤪

red flags 🚩

not really good at talking about his feelings but really good as a listener. seems to be mature enough to understand your needs and change something you dont like if you ask him

sometimes moody, he needs his personal space and probably won’t let you know, he'll just isolate himself caution if you're anxious!

aquarius problem: he is self-sufficient, is it difficult enough to be in a serious relationship bc he likes freedom, so if tom chose to be with you, he truly loves you and tries his best to make you happy

[hotvintagepoll]

LAST POLL OF ROUND 5

Propaganda

Sophia Loren (Marriage Italian Style, Houseboat)—Major Italian star, first actress to win an Oscar for a performance not in English (for Two Women (1960)) and later when Roberto Benigni won an Oscar in 1999 he jumped over the chairs towards the stage going "Sophia Sophia!!" because he was running towards Sophia Loren and said he cared more about her than the Oscar, that's the effect she had on people. She was big in the 60s already even though she gained a lot more notoriety after that. And I mean. Can we take a moment and just.

Mbissine Thérèse Diop (Black Girl)—She’s a Senegalese actress known for starring in Black Girl, one of the first African films to receive international attention/acclaim. So much of the movie relies on her ability to convey her character’s sense of isolation/loneliness, she’s so amazing, I really wish she had acted more. However, she just recently appeared in the film Cuties!

This is round 5 of the tournament. All other polls in this bracket can be found here. Please reblog with further support of your beloved hot sexy vintage woman.

[additional propaganda submitted under the cut.]

Sophia Loren:

She has maxed out all her stats: beauty, elegance, sensuality, she's got it all. her mesmerizing eyes, her sensual mouth, her sharp face shape, her everything is so striking and unlike any other beauty in films. she was also voted the world most beautiful woman when she was freaking 65

im submitting her in honor of my dad bc she was the first celebrity crush of his he ever admitted to me and my sister :) and he was right. shes so pretty

OSCAR WINNER. Worked with some of the hottest leading men in Hollywood but remained faithful to her husband whom she had a loving marriage with till he died (even though Cary Grant almost tempted her once, it's complicated)

One of the most well-known sex symbols of the Golden Age of Hollywood, and unlike some unfortunate others, she seems to have been pretty well at peace with occupying that status. She made assertiveness and a tempestuous temper seem glamorous, and although she's famous for side-eying Jayne Manisfield's cleavage, honestly? She's one to talk.

Absolutely, drop-dead sexy, also a hard working, extraordinarily talented actress who didn't shy away from the less glamorous roles to gift us some gritty, memorable performances

Submitting this on behalf of my dad, who knows nothing of tumblr or this blog, but I remember being a kid watching Houseboat while my mom thirsted after Cary Grant, dad thirsted after Sophia Loren, and I was excited that they lived on a boat. Anyway, she's extremely beautiful and was an international star, doing a ton of movies in Italy before being recognized in the US.

JUST LOOK AT HER Y'ALL

Very smart and beautiful, the characters that she played (I mean those in the movies that I put in the previous question) are as strong and determined as her which I think adds to her hotness.

Global superstar and my late grandfather's long time movie star crush and for a man as quiet as he was, and as hopelessly devoted to his wife as he was, the fact that I know that means she was EXCEPTIONAL.

Big in the chest, snatched in the waist, pretty in the face 😳

Sexy, beautiful, deep. A real star.

Her performance in "Man of La Mancha" is just so very captivating. Dubbed as "the Italian Marilyn Monroe", she looks beautiful in any movie and at any age.

Forget the exotic sexpot of her Hollywood films and go back to her Italian career: sparking with Marcello Mastroianni as the woman who drives him mad and outwits all his fumbling attempts at macho posturing in their early films, and showing a tender side in their 1970s films. Sophia isn’t self-conscious about who she is or her beautiful body: she enjoys being herself and she wants us all to enjoy ourselves too.

She starred in films as a sexually emancipated persona and was one of the best known sex symbols of the time. She is a great cook and her filmography is immense.

On the misattributed quote that Sophia owed everything to spaghetti: 'Did you actually say the quote frequently attributed to you, "Everything you see I owe to spaghetti"?' "Non è vero! It's not true! It's such a silly thing. I owe it to spaghetti, no, no. Completely made up."

Mbissine Thérèse Diop:

[nogistallen]

SCHOOL SPIRITS FINALE THEORIES

okay so i figured i would compile a list of theories i think could plausibly happen in the finale and kinda combine them with my own thoughts bc im losing sleep reading through reddit posts and i need to put this all down somewhere

1) maddie’s body is inhospitable

okay so im not sure how this would work, but i think it’s very likely maddie will not be able to return to her body (at least not for long). the reason i believe this is because if her body WAS inhospitable after returning to it and needed medical attention, it would bring her to the hospital where we know her dad’s spirit is. this would allow maddie to communicate with her father and the ghosts in the hospital, and bring back the xavier plot — it would be interesting if his near death experience allows him to see maddie in the hospital like simon sees her in the school, then he would become the source of communication next season (pls give us s3)

2) simon dies :(

i think most people are in agreement that something awful might happen to my best boy simon this season. asides from the obvious signs that he might not be well (seeing maddie, clutching his head, overwhelmed and stressed), i really do believe he would do anything for maddie, which makes him the obvious self-sacrifice. maybe it’s something pre existing, maybe mr martin injures him while he’s trying to attack maddie or janet, maybe he gets body snatched, or maybe he willingly gives it up because the ghosts and maddie need his help — im unsure, but his name on those essential oils in the mystery box makes me uneasy, and i also think it would add weight to the theory of maddie ending up in the hospitable. he would almost replace her in the school (making their separation even more tragic i miss them sm).

also, if xavier could see maddie due to his near death experience then there’s a chance he could see simon, especially since those two have gotten close, and it would create open communication between the ghosts in the school AND in the hospital

3) they break down the barrier

i think this is really likely, and it would be yet another way that the hospital could come into play. we know the ghosts all enter the scars together, so maybe fighting through them is enough to break the barrier altogether. this would mean maddie could have a plot with her dad if she stays a ghost because she can leave the school. it could also mean that they thin the veil and the living kids could see the ghosts, which i think would be pure chaos and would be a real learning curve for s3 (pls)

4) janet didn’t start the fire

no photo, no proof. since we didn’t see a flashback of janet starting the fire, then to me it’s not true. that’s just what she thinks happened. there are lots of theories on this one — maybe it was janet’s dad in his anger and disdain for mr martin and janet’s love of science, maybe it was mr martin/woman in the scar with an ulterior motive or anger for losing his job or an experiment gone wrong, or maybe it was eugene. i’m not sure of his motive, but there’ll be something in that storage locker and he DID say janet and mr martin wouldn’t have made that mistake. regardless, i really don’t think it was janet

5) ghost/s cross over

while i would be really sad about this, i feel it could happen. but personally if feel it’s more more likely that yuri or quinn could cross over rather than the main ghosts. this is mostly because their stories aren’t as developed, and i don’t think the show is ready to lose the main ghosts yet — audiences love them and they build up a lot of the plot, so i think they might hold onto them for as long as possible (permitted we get a season 3). i think quinn and yuri have tackled enough for them to cross over (no longer isolating themselves, finding connections, no longer looping) and we haven’t seen their scars yet, just like we didnt really see dawn’s. their names also weren’t on the essential oils, so…

if one of the main ghosts cross over, most people are speculating it’ll be rhonda or wally. wally DID have a bright light in front of him in the episode trailer, but im not sure. i feel like crying thinking about any of them crossing over

6) janet is the real ‘big bad’

idk how i feel about this one bc im lowkey a janet ride or die, but it could be really interesting if she’s triple bluffing and everyone’s blindsided. it would be a fun twist and would explain why in the teaser maddie and janet seem to be tussling in the pool (??). maybe this was all a bigger plan? maybe she refuses to give the body back? im unsure. this seems more likely to be maddie’s scar to me, like she and janet were grappling for control of her body when it was first snatched??

i have sooo many more i’ve seen, everyone is sooo creative, but what do you guys think? i wanna know what you think will happen

[winn-schott-throughtheheart]

Idk if this if something you’d do, but bcs I love to project onto Winn and with the disability headcannons, what abt epilepsy? If ur uncomfortable doing those or something that’s ok!! :33

I shit you not I was sooo close to adding something in about seizures but I decided not to, so im doing it now!

maybe something mable the service dog can help out with too?

the most common ones for winn are focal and absence seizures- he doesn't tend to go tonic clonic/grand mal often, it's only happened once or twice, but obviously it's not something he's jumping at the chance to repeat.

I think POTS can actually cause seizures as well, but he can't really tell the difference between epileptic and non-epileptic seizures

it did Not help with him feeling isolated and ostracised when he was a kid. like, at all

he finds it often goes hand in hand with his anxiety. when he's really really stressed out about something, be it an important deadline or an appointment or something, he'll have more frequent episodes in the run up to it. short term stress like panic attacks or meltdowns can also sometimes progress into seizures, which is extra scary

mable is there to help though !

linking back to the poor real time pattern recognition from the other post, he's not great at recognising when he's about to have a seizure. he'll recognise something feels Weird™ but he won't know what until after the fact, which. doesn't help.

this was one of the reasons he figured he should probably get a service dog

(lena is to thank for the funding)

j'onn is good at recognising when winn is having/is about to have an episode, cause he'll feel that his mental signature just.. isn't there. it's hard for people to notice especially because he's winn, and he gets in the zone and he spaces out when he's thinking hard about something or he's distracted, so it can be hard to distinguish this from an actual absence seizure

these can be dangerous even though theyre short, considering how often the deo gets attacked, if he isn't aware of his surroundings

focal seizures are a little easier to spot but still not all that easy, because winn stims a lot normally and any repetitive movements can easily be chalked up to that or anxiety

winn himself actually has a hard time differentiating between a panic attack and a focal seizure, because he doesn't really lose consciousness during them

whenever he has one at work he's sent home, no questions. even if he insists he feels fine after. winn Does Not like this arrangement.

he managed to be inconspicuous enough at catco that cat never noticed. he wasn't upset about it, more relieved that he never had to draw unwanted attention to himself, but a little part of him is glad that people at the deo seem to care so much about him that they'll notice these things

he does struggle with self esteem though and feeling like he's an inconvenience to the people around him. he apologises a lot if he has an episode infront of someone

he's also Not good at listening to people, including mable. he Needs to feel useful, he Needs to be doing something as often as he can, and too often he's been hurt because he brushed off the warnings and not prepared accordingly

he just kinda always has bumps and bruises and scrapes

I hope these were okay!! just some food for thought ig, I don't know what i would do if I couldn't project every fibre of my being onto my favourite characters lol. if I said something wrong or if you have more requests please let me know !!

[tottymatsuno]

Okay now I'm kinda uuuh. What's the word? Intimidated? Maybe. To actually transfer my works to this new app. It's a lot better, and really cool, and I could in theory use all of my devices for it, I can add pics, music and other like mood important stuff, it also has tons of helpful settings where I can talk about specific themes in depth, items, and visually map out how the story is supposed to go

These are all really fun tools that I've never really used before but make a LOT of sense and would make it easier for me in terms of writing

But then I kinda go im just free writing fanfics, sure if I move all like 3mil words off of my various drives and set up each fic/au in this app, and back them up regularly I'm a lil nervous I'll get obsessed with it and stArt devoting too much more of my time to writing. On one hand the quality of my writing would get significantly better bc it wouldn't be reliant on me trying to remember details I hadn't gotten to in the story and everything would be extremely organized, and I may finish a bunch of my fics

On the other hand this will be time consuming and I may self isolate specifically to write.

[cubezart]

Hi!! You totally don't know me at all, I'm a complete stranger >:) And I'd love to hear about Jim's mental world!!

HI ok so erm this is mostly just gonna be a mess of rambles and vague ideas smushed together barely in order but

(old/outdated concept sketch, but it's a good start)

for starters, the prime issue(s) to help resolve in his mental world (or this version at least) is jim's fear of burdening his friends and family, and his resistance to reaching out for help, as much as he really needs it. it doesn't get too deep into his trauma, it's just giving jim the push he needs to seek out help again

after jim's recent divorce with bettie, he's been trying to give his family "some space to process" ...which didn't take long to sink back into old self isolation habits. he's been putting his all into his job to repress and distract from everything else going on with him, and it doesn't seem like it'll work for very much longer

first area in his mind is a boring + extremely tiny office room, the other cubicles are all empty and open except for jim's, which has a big metal door attached to the entrance. you can try and talk to him or ask him things, but it won't get you much . he insists he's happier in there really !! its so nice and safe hes fine :) its ok :)

when asked why he's locked in, he'll insist it's for his own safety, saying some vague stuff while the clairvoyance hints become even more obvious. when you use clairvoyance on him, his POV shows the cubicle door and everywhere around it surrounded by nightmares clawing and staring at him from the other side. (something something these are all just his own perception of things and he's really not in danger)

afterwards, his dialogue tree gets pretty short and limited, leaving raz to explore !! there's a few doors you can interact with, one being just a simple archetype-required door with a little collectible or somethin. the other is an old n dusty storage closet filled with memory vaults piling up to the ceiling. you can't really interact with any of those individually, (maybe some raz line along the lines of "i can't punch through all those :( ") but there's one or two real ones that just seem to have completely mundane and normal memories inside. weird! cuz with cpstd n trauma memory loss/repression, it can repress a lot more than what's necessary

there's one last door to try, leading out into the next phase ! raz says goodbye to jim, and jim happily waves back as the door shuts n locks behind raz, and the hallway distorts and extends, distancing raz away too :( sorta like the effect in the pn2 office construct !! im taking a lot of inspo from that world tbh heehe except for the obvious yknow. dental stuff

the next phase is kind of a messy stub for now, still sorting n planning out everything in my head lol but it's called Jim's Judgement

it centers more around jim's trauma and Issues TM and a lot of it is more vague concepts than any real gameplay ideas for the more dark story elements bc i don't want raz to have to see that and like to think after raz gets him a head start, he gets into actual professional Psychonauts therapy (and for my own silly oc/canon interaction fun, its sasha and milla assigned to help him. perhaps. maybe. they almost assigned oleander but he yelled too much and scared him away /hj) ANYWAY!!

all that being said i honestly have 0 ideas how to tone shit down for raz and im still trying to plan out the smaller in-game per se variation on it so i will simply. wait to talk about it. there's a lot of cool symbolism and motifs i prommy i swear </3 but the main "boss fight" final moment thing surrounds his whole paranoia of being a horrible person who others only tolerate + he constantly has to "make up for it" by putting everything and everyone Before him. i really wanna end it back in the small office space with jim having the key on his desk this whole time, making it literally In His Hands to get himself out. he just needed the support! he's definitely scared and slow, but he opens the door and steps out of his cubicle. the room grows a little bit. its a start

i was gonna ramble more about the darker version of the second phase but this post is already gettin Long and kinda incoherent i think so ermm. ill split it off into a second post probably if anyones interested in hearing more . i hope this all made sense lol i have too many thoughts about him to keep together honestly

[aroace-polyshow]

HELLO OMG im so intrigued about hw actually and you have been talking about hw ruinene in particular so can i ask about what their history is like. what is their relationship currently. how are they doing. sorry if this question is a bit vague i can always reword it if needed!

FIRSTLY. THANK YOU OH MY GOD i’ve honestly been worried i’ve been too annoying about them dlkjfhjs BUT YAYYY SOMEONE IS INTERESTED YAHOO

anyway this is got SO FUCKING LONG so ramble is gonna be under the cut:

so to answer your question, the short answer is that they’re doing bad :D!! this is a nightcord/wxs swap after all.

for context in this swap au, rui was able to join nene’s theater group when they were younger!! nene wouldn’t join unless rui was allowed to as well, so begrudgingly the members let him join despite not liking him much bc they thought nene would be a good member. rui didn’t really want to join either, cause he could tell the members didn’t like him much, but nene really wanted him to and since didn’t want to stop her from joining, he agrees to it.

rui and the troupe don’t get along too much but they’re willing to deal with him to keep nene around and rui’s pretty content being able to do shows with nene. until nene has that fuck up on stage moment like she does in her canon past, but its made worse when rui tries to stand up for her. picture the wxs main story fight. something like that.

unfortunately the member rui ends up arguing with gets all up in rui’s face and provokes him into shoving them. the guy isn’t seriously injured or anything but that doesn’t matter much because now they have fuel for rumors to spread about him, that they knew they never should have let that weirdo kid join, they always knew he would hurt someone, etc, stuff like that. but nene’s involved too now!! given that she was his friend and ends up being the only one to stick around with him, rumors spread around her as well since not only did she ruin their show, she also hangs out with “that weirdo kid,” so she’s probably just as weird and dangerous. so they’re both stuck in this together throughout middle school. how fun :)

nene’s stage fright and social anxiety after that is fucking godawful. she can’t bring herself to sing anymore despite wanting to SO fucking badly, so she turns to composing as a hobby. she sort of takes on kanade’s role as the shut-in composer. girl is completely petrified of leaving the house. rui still makes robo-nene for her, so she doesn’t have to leave the house if she’s too scared to and can use it to go run errands or something with rui as company. my girl has so much self loathing in her about what happened and berates herself a lot. thinks of herself as horribly pathetic and cowardly. also so much guilt i will get into in a minute

rui meanwhile is really discouraged from doing shows after that. discouraged feels too light for it tbh. he still loves shows dearly but (pre main story at least) he is like. so convinced he won’t ever be able to and shouldn’t even try connecting with people after that. because if all his attempts are only going to lead to him and other people getting hurt, what’s the point? he’ll always be the weirdo kid no one trusts, and he knows he can’t do shows alone, and he’s kinda accepted that he’ll just be forever be lonely and isolated, aside from having nene with him. but that’s not rlly comforting to him bc of how guilty he feels about dragging her down with him.

speaking of which: time to bring up their mutual guilt!! good fucking lord they both have so much guilt inside them and despite how deeply they care about each other neither of them have ever heard of communicating‼️ they are both fully convinced they are at fault for what happened.

nene hates herself bc she feels like she pressured rui into joining, for messing her moment, for not being able to stand up for herself, for making rui do it for her and leading to what happened, and then STILL being so much of a coward that rui has to defend her throughout middle school. she feels like a burden to him and feels so so horribly guilty about it. he made a whole goddamn robot for her because of how scared she is to leave the house anymore after the harassment and she feels she does nothing for him in return.

rui on the other hand feels horribly guilty for making a stupid decision in the heat of the moment and dragging nene’s reputation down with his. he thinks if he hadn’t been there, if nene had never been friends with him, nene would never have gotten so much harassment. he thinks he deserves it all, but nene doesn’t. he’s really protective of her and took most of the heat when the harassment was really rough. he’s fully convinced he did this to her, that it’s his fault and the very least he could do for her is try to help her as much as he can. this is nightcord wxs so of course he wants to disappear but rui doesn’t less because he thinks nene would miss him and doesn’t want to make her sad (he cares so so much about her but bro’s convinced she should resent him for doing this to her, cause he definitely feels that way about himself) and more bc in his head, it’d be fucking shameful of him to try to take the easy way out. like, how dare he leave nene like that, when he’s the one that did this to her. how dare he abandon her when this entire situation is his fault.

nene’s also been the closest one to ever actually disappearing. she berates herself a lot for being too much of a coward to actually do it, to free rui of the burden that is her. she wants to both bc of the amount of guilt and self loathing she has but also just. feels really lost and aimless. like her dream was to be an actress, but she can barely leave the house anymore, so how is she even supposed to do that? like. she’s tired of living the way she does as a shut in. but at least she has music. she finds comfort in composing.

they’ve clearly stayed friends through it all, and they both care so so much about each other, but there’s a sort of wall between them after everything. they still tease each other and hang out together since they’re neighbors, and try to pretend everything’s stayed the same between them. they get better at not being so closed off to each other!! eventually!! but god starting odd neither of them EVER open up to each other. there’s rui who struggles to identify his own feelings in the first place and nene who doesn’t want to bother rui but generally they both just have the mindset of “i can’t trouble them more than i already have.”

when nene starts composing, rui’s really really happy for her. like he sees how miserable she’s been so her finally finding something she seems interested in makes him really really happy. and later once the group is fully formed, being able to do music videos makes him happy too. it’s not quite the same as doing shows obviously, but he’s happy he’s able to tell stories one way or another.

guhh. i hope this made sense and didn’t contradict too much. i’m probably missing stuff. that’s all the coherent stuff for now though. these horribly sad clowns who have never communicated in their lives…i’m insane about them…

anyway, a few miscellaneous facts about them:

nene is fucking ruthless online, especially when it comes to people even being slightly mean to rui.

nene switched to home schooling since middle school, after rui graduated from it.

rui picked out their online aliases, tako (octopus) and kurage (jellyfish). he likes sea animals and thought it’d be funny. nene did not seem to find it funny, but she kept the one he chose for her anyway.

rui’s also gotten really good at video games since he’s played them with nene for so long.

they stay over at each others houses quite a bit, and as they learn to not be so closed off to each other, staying over happens a lot more. if one of them feels like shit, all one of them needs to do is just text the other and no matter how late it is, the other will already be prepared with some spare blankets and maybe a few snacks. they might not always talk, but it’s comforting being in the presence of the other.

they came out to each other as aroace during a sleepover back in middle school. it really just went like:

“hey, rui?” “yeah?” “i think i’m aroace.” “oh. me too actually, i think.” “oh. okay.”

nene got to know mizuki a little bit, since she stayed close to rui during middle school. he introduced them to each other, nene still keeps in touch with them.

they have a hobby of trying new cup noodle flavors and combos together. they have a tier list and everything.

they both get anxious about arguments, but nene especially gets really panicky and nervous.

judas by abuse is hw core hw rui in particular. but there’s good lines that make me think of nene in there too. feel free to ask me for that ramble it’s been living in my brain

feel free to ask more stuff i’m more than happy to ramble

[shepcdr]

was thinking about the idea that post-me3 happy ending shepard would benefit from a service dog but i know he'd just end up with smth like this

anyway. jokes aside. more rambling re: the post-me3 ending thoughts below

the scenarios im cooking will work i think whether or not the normandy crew have already returned from being crashed on that random planet in the middle of gods-know-where?? ... though i do have some thoughts on how he struggles with vulnerability going from strong and capable commander shepard to... what he is, after the war. aka an injured and disabled man who needs to heal, but he doesn't immediately see that — but the main difference, if the normandy crew is there, is he goes through... some difficulties with being perceived as vulnerable and weak around them. people who've only ever known him to be commander shepard, relentless and hardened and impossible to knock down.

post-me3 — depending on if they're even there, or if they arrive back on the citad lwhilst he's still in the process of recovering, re-learning basic functionality, even unable to walk again yet — is a really hard struggle. Either he's struggling to function without his crew there (because this is how he feels about ALL the normandy crew btw [excerpt from this thread]:

because he bonds on such a deep. and v codependent level when it comes to the mass effect crew, especially the me1 people. these were the first people he trusted after so many years of self-isolation and loneliness)... Or he's experiencing the horrific struggle of "holy shit i can't let them see me, the man they followed across the galaxy to fight REAPERS, like this"

but all that aside:

i think he'd jump onto helping rebuild as soon as he's physically capable. he doesn't know what else to do, and he's probably best off not using biotics for a while (uncertain what the destroy ending ... EMP sort of thing would have done to his biotics implant but either way. his body probably needs all the help it can get recovering. so no biotics). he certainly can't jump back into active duty whilst still struggling with even day to day functioning, and perhaps even struggling with having undergone some amputation (i'm undecided on that part...). So, volunteer work. Rebuilding both structurally and in terms of of contributing to community, building that all back up in the aftermath of horrific suffering and loss.

And part of that means he ends up on earth for a bit and perhaps.. passing through the area where he grew up. just to see how hard the reapers hit. and then he'd decide to stay a bit and help out!!!

bc i'm always always thinking about the various news you can hear in me2, in particular... about the Shepard Memorial scholarship on earth that's aimed towards disadvantaged kids (well. aka just sends them to the Alliance. but that's certainly a step up from a lot of situations they could be in) and the "Shepards" charity that conrad formed to help orphans/POWs/refugees... and i think after some contemplation, that's where shepard's mind goes first. so he sticks around, puts in some work in the place he came up in + in other low-income and disadvantaged areas/communities similar to it. my heart says he's particular dedicated to charity & work with disadvantaged kids. he bounces between there and anderson's apartment on the citadel, because he's helping there too (and. because. do they ever?? fucking move that thing back to where it was?? or is it permanently hovering above earth now? — i like to think in control ending that shepard as the catalyst + the reapers help rebuild, and drag the citadel back where it used to be because. just easier that way for everyone. but, like, in a post-destroy ending??? it's just stuck there now...)

and he probably has a dingy and modest little apartment he rents on earth around where he grew up, where he's concentrating a lot of these efforts. and in the morning he gets out on the streets for a morning run with this giant fuck-off service dog in tow... it's sitting there with him so well-behaved when he's hanging around with the bunches of rowdy kids he's working with ...

[alkalineleak]

While im rewatching mcd, ive made a few notes for my own rewrite:)

the first episodes of mcd are very self referential and have the 4th wall/audience as a character and as a normal fic/project, i don't think the media im using will mesh well with that, so im gonna veto the "villages are unaware but aphmau is -> aphmau becomes detached from the 4th wall and becomes part of the story" thing. This means i have to actually come up with backstory for aphmau and phoenix drop.

Personally ive never liked her being Irene with amnesia. In rebirth, i didnt like how clueless she was and in the original, i didnt like how detached she was from the world. Instead ive been playing around with her being a shad descendant or an irene descendant (leaning towards shad). With the ro'meaves and levin and other characters with such heavy family ties, i feel like being a descendant is a lot more powerful bc itll implement this theme of family defining you.

The reason why im leaning towards shad is because theres a lot of other descendents from the divine warriors (garroth, travis, etc.) for example, levins a descendant of irene, which makes him a target of kidnapping, but he's one of hundreds ykn? meanwhile theres not many of shad? Or at least in the text there isnt. This would also make it so aphmau would have destruction and violence in her blood, and instead she's a force of good. I also think that being a descendant of shad would be really good as blackmail? Like if the public found out, theyd villainize her, or maybe zane could put her in a bind later on when he's introduced in season one.

Now to actual episode by episode notes, my current idea is her being a hunter. She's lived secluded in the woods for some time for Some reason i havent come up with yet, which gives her reason to be able to do carpentry, farming, identify edible foods, and fight on her own. Also, with her amount of isolation, she's fairly paranoid and scared to be rejected. This means that when she arrives in phoenix drop, she's afraid of being kicked out, so she helps out in exchange for staying there (she's the only one who thinks this is a debt ). I think this state of mind will make her connect with zenix a lot more later on. ALSO her paranoia makes her hard to interact with, explaining why emmalyn didnt like her...

That's all i feel like explaining rn :33

[liquidstar]

(quotes i like from your WIP 4/4) i'm really surprised polaris has no experience hunting w/ that spear she carries around O_O since she carries it around, you know, i'd guessed she knows how to use it 😭 

which is partially related to my next point: i loved how many times i was reading and had thought, "*points* Inuk-coded" :D everything from how she quietly complained when her compass broke, rather than screaming (even though she was already hungry, + cold and uncomfortable in wet clothes T~T), to how she took a deep breath to compose herself, to how she comforts herself gently... so good... Polaris Inuk(-coded) moments... 🥲 you thought out her actions so well!!! and you also thought out how, even though she has clearly been influenced by Inuit(-coded) culture, she still has distance from the traditional Inuit(-coded culture's) way of life (i.e. she doesn't know how to fish) bc she was raised by someone non-Inuk(-coded) :0 !!! DETAILS!!!! 🤩

YEAH SHE HAS NO EXPERIENCE i wanted to make it pretty clear shes really not used to it at all and is kinda fumbling around, because its not actually hers! well, it is now, but it wasnt always. so shes tryinggg shes very green still. i do intend for there to be multiple scenes of her training w her teammates and other guild members to get better at stuff like this too

BUT IM GLAD YOU THINK SO BC I THINK ABT THE ARTICLE AND STUFF YOU SEND ME WHILE WRITING HER. i wanna do my best obviously, so i try to keep it in mind esp when shes dealing w stressful circumstances or things that may make someone angry. she shant yell. BUT thats also part of why the hunger is being emphasized bc (spoilers in case i post this bit later ig?) after a particularly stressful encounter with two idiots (guess who) which saiph intercepts, she actually does Kind Of yell at him. its nothing crazy, pretty tame by others standards, but in the next scene she feels reaaaallly embarrassed and guilty for acting that childish and pretty much immediately apologizes. and then also reveals that it wasnt just a skipped breastfed, she hadnt eaten for like 4 days to which hes like "dude i get cranky after a few hours PLEASE dont feel bad. also please order seconds wtf" she was in that forest for a minute.

AND (end spoilers sorry!) about the fishing too- shes also lived a pretty isolated life from a lot of things, partly due to herself being so... self-isolating. theres a reason she kept being called "the lone girl" through the little excerpt! like yes because shes alone, of course, but shes Literally the lone girl. thats her. but not for long!

[x-tetrodotoxin-x]

i am the person who sent the last ask, and i have finished playing the game and watched most of the anime, and im now a Changed Man.

pleaaaaaase can you give me your hcs on zack's time in the hell orphanage? that whole thing is really interesting, and it's a shame it's mentioned like once

Hii what fun! Yeah I can give some hcs. Honestly it's kind of a shame the orphanage wasn't really touched on for very long, but the shit we did get on it was dark.

So like i said I really think that orphanage was a front for human trafficking. It seems at least implied to be based on the caretakers mentioning the money aspect so often. What's fucked is it sounds like not only were the caretakers trafficking the kids, but the kids parents sold them to the orphanage to get rid of them, probably knowing the shit was shady as hell. It's pretty straightforward that those kids were abandoned there for money, it's stated in canon in at least the manga:

(Little Zack is so freaking adorable btw omg hes so tiny)

So like the whole aspect of the dead kids being buried in the yard; they clearly made Zack do that more than once. Totally hc that while yea some of those kids died of starvation, exposure, lack of medical attention, etc some of them were killed either on purpose as an example to the other children or on accident during incidents of abuse and Zack saw that a lot, contributing to his violent nature later on

ik he apparently started killing because he "saw a violent movie on tv" but I think that's bs and the caretakers were killing people in front of him or making him kill the other kids

Back on the programming shit, it's mentioned a lot that as a child Zack did whatever the caretakers told him to do despite not wanting to do it, hence him being referred to as a tool so often. So uh. Programming.

He's scared of fire, so they used fire to frighten him into doing things, following orders, being obedient, etc.

A lotta his abuse was like severe neglect and making him sleep outside, do a lot of physical labor, starvation, etc. I usually hc there was a lot of physical abuse too, especially early on to condition him into doing thinhs.

Sexual abuse but they targeted him differently in that way- like they really wanted to push the idea that he was a monster on him just because of his burns so incidents of noncon weren't as frequent as some of the other orphans, but were really horrific like refusing to touch him during it, using objects to do it, lots of degrading and insulting comments, not letting him bathe after, forcing him to isolate, etc.

If we hc the incidents of sa were less frequent with him (or done in private) the other orphans being kind of cold towards him not only bc they see and learn from the way the caretakers treat him, but in their mind he's "getting off easier because he's too hideous to sell off" so they project onto him, leading to more alienation.

It's not really clear when Zack got burned besides that it was shortly before his Mom abandoned him at the orphanage but if they were fresh they probably healed badly due to improper care- the orphanage caretakers refusing to let him properly clean and bandage his burns.

Also, like, the fact he still wears the bandages as an adult despite the burns being scars by now makes me think they probably forced him to keep the burns and scars covered up and made him wear the bandages even after his burns healed "as to not cause disgust to others" or some shit. He definitely wouldn't say it out loud, but he's self conscious about them.

I'm sure I've got more on that but like that oughta cover bases for now. So much dead dove potential with that orphanage, that series in general tbh omg

[pinnithin]

long kind of sad gay poast ahead

saw something about loving the unlovable and it got me thinking about how its a central theme in most of my writing. paired with like, isolation, being separate/other, the doomed concept of human connection, being the only person who can love and understand you the way you need, etc - i watched evangelion way too young if you couldnt guess.

anyway and this is due to the fact that a core part of my identity and personality revolves around the fact that i considered myself unlovable for the majority of my life, first unconsciously through childhood neglect, then by choice as some "you cant fire me i quit" teen angst sort of thing, then by a doomed sense of resignation all through college. its a significant part of how i see myself even now after years of working to unlearn it - ive managed to dial it back to "im difficult to love" which still isnt great but yknow. better than it was

which is why i have attachment issues and preferred one night stands for a long time. my romantic relationships (many of them short lived) have been with well meaning partners who assured me constantly that like, even though youre difficult to love its worth it. and that was all nice and good but it made me feel so fraudulent and disgusted with myself because it put me in the position of thinking either 1) this person doesnt actually know me that well at all or 2) i have somehow tricked this person into thinking under all the baggage theres someone worth loving. which is something i find difficult to reconcile with because the baggage is me too. i cant get rid of it. inevitably those people got wise and it ended up not working out.

by now have all these arguments and strategies geared up to explain to people who make the mistake of caring about me that its really not worth the effort, we're better off as friends or acquaintances, etc. im very transparent about the issues i deal with so its all just laid out there from the beginning and im not like, tricking people into being in a relationship with me or whatever by hiding it. ive talked in circles with exes over and over along the general lines of "im difficult to love" > "no youre not" > "i have xyz wrong with me and i push people away, trust me you dont want to deal with this" > "okay well we can work on that, and youll get better and itll be worth it" > "what if i never get better" > "you will, ill help you" > [me relenting bc im unable to dash their hopes and dreams that even if i Get Better im still Me at the core and the things that make me difficult to love are a permanent part of me]

the relationship im in now doesnt even let me get into that. shan is just like, youre not. youre not difficult to love, youre actually very easy to love and it has always been easy to love you, even before we were dating. and i dont have a comeback for that.

even with my usual strategy of "heres an itemized list of all the reasons dating me is a risk" theyre just like well sure, thats difficult for you to deal with, and im sorry its so hard for you, but that doesnt make you difficult to love. the loving is easy. that part has always been easy.

she doesnt treat me like a problem that needs to be solved she doesnt try to be my savior from myself she doesnt give any indication that shes just waiting it out until i reach a certain threshold of acceptable or unacceptable. she just loves me and trusts me to take care of myself, and it places a lot of personal responsibility on me to be better - not for us but for me, because im the only person who can do that and they know it.

its the healthiest relationship ive ever been in and ive never felt so safe and free to be myself. i dont need to live up to any expectations to eventually make myself lovable. im easy to love. hard thing for me to believe in self practice but going back to the inherent disconnect between all humans, who am i to know or control what they consider easy or difficult? i dont judge her when something she finds difficult is easy for me, so why wouldn't the opposite be true?

[red-dye40]

it’s my fic’s birthday n i just want to take a mome to reflect on this past year of writing my cringe jthm fic because no joke it has been one of the most therapeutic and rewarding things ive ever done for myself so im gonna spill my guts under the cut here in case ur into that sorta thing

no joke i started writing ancillary auxiliary (obvs under a different much dumber name) when i was THIRTEEN. i was perpetually very very scared of and confused by my psychosis—i saw and heard things constantly that no one else did, and no one could explain that to me, which was obviously very isolating and frustrating. jthm made me feel rly normal (like not alone??) and this fic was a way for me to explore and dissect all these things i was processing and experiencing and repressing. i abandoned it like right away because i was a young teen with undiagnosed adhd but im sure it’s still kickin around on deviantart somewhere.

i have struggled w a lot through my years—addiction n subsequent withdrawal, hallucinating nonstop, uhhhh Being Trans In Society, willingly choosing to be an actor bc i am literally insane—and i felt like my brain was only getting sicker, because i never prioritized my health! none of it! but especially not my mental health!

in the isolation of quarantine a couple years ago i had like sooooooo many psychotic episodes, and eventually i admitted myself to a psych ward bc i was so scared and i just wanted to get better finally!

and i did get better! eventually!

it took a lot of hard work, and i was in outpatient for what felt like forever, and i was going to therapy twice a week and trying a bunch of meds and also just experimenting w hormones bc why not. i stopped making art (which truly truly was sometimes the only thing in my life that brought me joy) because the shit i was making was so scary, i just didn’t want to subject myself to that.

eventually i got myself a really amazing job, literally a dream job of mine, and things fell into place, and my job was my whole personality for a while. idk when it happened but sometime last summer i suddenly felt myself really wanting to read jthm again ?? i guess as i was reflecting on all my trauma, and how i used to cope w it as a kid?? but i reread director’s cut and it truly felt like someone unclogged a drain in my head and all this new inspiration and like LOVE for my past self and xir interests just rushed in and it was so exciting!!!!

and i remembered this fic i had started so long ago, and how proud i was of the concept, and i started writing it in my notes app and it got bigger and bigger and i found a little corner on instagram of ppl who liked it (thank u to those of u who are still here rn!!!!! if ur reading this ilysm) and now it’s this! and i love it!

it might just be super self indulgent at the end of the day idk but! i love everything that has come from this fic (and Other Fics i have written 👁️) and i am so grateful to all of u who have read ancaux and enjoyed it and reblogged and left comments like :) thank u so much

there are three (maybe four?) chapters left i literally didn’t anticipate this to go on for so long and i have no idea when it will end but im excited :) and i hope you’ll stick around :) the ending is rly good i think

LOVE U ALL THANKS

[aria-bun]

because im currently hyperfixated on TMA and TDP, i present to you:

TDP BUT THE FEAR ALIGNMENTS OF KINGDOMS/ELF TRIBES/CHARACTERS

lets start with the kingdoms. I like to think that each kingdom has a fear they're all associated with (like how the whole institute is marked by the Eye, but not everyone's a full set avatar).

Katolis: With the whole origin of the orphan queen and the Nova Blade, I like to think before Ez, the entirety of Katolis was slaughter-aligned, but started becoming more eye-aligned with Ez, since I see him as very eye-coded (mainly bc of the whole thing with him and Zym, and how he can see through Zym's eyes) and definitely not associated with the slaughter. The Crownguard itself is full of Slaughter-touched people or Slaughter Avatars, though (more on that later)

Duran: Desolation. Absolutely desolation. Fire rubies? explosions? making fucking nuke arrows? yeah they're Desolation aligned. A bit ironic that they're also the only kingdom that didn't run their side of the map dry from magic though.

Neolandia: Spiral. They're in the middle of the desert, mirages are common in the desert, as well as general dehydration and other things that can make you delerious and crazy. We don't really know to much about Neloandia beyond that so,yeah.

Del Bar: Buried. It's dangerously cold there, and buried can be tied to avalanches. Again, not too much known about them.

Evenere: Corruption. Located in the middle of the swam, bugs and disease aplenty over there. The Corruption would have a field day in that area.

Elf tribes:

Moonshadow Elves: Dark. A bit self explanitory, considering he moon is at night in the dark. But every Moonshadow assassin is a Hunt Avatar.

Sunfire Elves: Desolation. Also self explanitory. Fire and desolation go hand in hand.

Earthblood Elves: Corruption. Nature is full of critters and disease, figures the fear would fit.

Skywing: Vast. A lot of these are self-explanitory. The sky is big. celestial elves are Eye though.

Tidebound: Vast or Buried. Water is big space, yes, but also innately suffocating.

Startouch: Vast or Lonely. Space between stars is vast, which can also tie into isolation, aka lonely.

Characters:

Ezran: Eye. Eye avatar. Eye, eye, eye. He can see into animals minds and thats how he can talk to them. Eye.

Callum: Vast due to his first arcanums being sky and water, which are BIG. Touched by Dark cuz dark magic.

Rayla: Hunt, due to her being a moonshadow assassin. Touched by Lonely. Cant explain why it just feels right.

Corvus: Hunt. he's a tracker, it makes sense. Touched by Slaughter due to him being crownguard.

Soren: Slaughter. Youngest crownguard in history, so he's already slaughter aligned, but hes captain. that in itself makes him a full Slaghter avatar. Touched by Dark because of how many times dark magic has been used on him and his general upbringing with Viren.

Claudia: Dark. Because, yknow. dark magic. Touched by Extinction due to Aaravos.

Aaravos: Full-fledged Extinction avatar. bro wanted to kill the SUN to raise the dead. Touched by End, Dark, Lonely, Web, and Eye.

Cosmo: Eye. For obvious reasons.

Astrid: Vast, esp bc the wings.

Lujanne: Dark because Moonshadow, but also Stranger due to her penchant for illusions.

Aanya: Desolation. She made nuke arrows. Need i say more.

im not doing all of them cuz i'd be here FOREVER but yeah. here we go