#and im too socially fucked to try to make friends as an adult

[wwwyzzerdd420]

Maybe I AM an extrovert

[spiked-mall-goth]

heyyyyyy <3 <3 i feel terrible.

i had planned to stay off longer but i genuinely have had like three nervous breakdowns since i left bc right as i decided it was abt time i just chill for a little bit everything started happening all at once. so i came back to see my silly little internet friends, but like the second i logged back on some ppl were talking smack abt me sooooooooo... ya know. my day (two weeks) be so fine,, then BOOM my entire schedule fills up and i become hollow on the inside! (hey sorry like vent post n tags i need to get things out of my brain)

[petday]

I make fandom art I make porn I make stuff that makes me miserable and I make stuff that makes me happy and I follow all the advice online but still nobody likes my art. I know it's good art and im not insecure about my talent level but no matter what I post or where I post it, nobody wants to like or interact with my art at all. I know people see it I know people are scrolling past without acknowledging what I make and it fucking sucks. I don't have friends to share stuff I make with and nobody online cares clearly. What do you do when nobody likes you or what you offer.

Good question. This response involves some of my history. I try to talk about my experiences at a comfortable distance. But please skip to the 'Solutions' part if you're bored.

My thoughts below:

It's painful. I have a lot of memories of high intensity pain due to no one engaging with me, at school and online. 'If I live in the same world as others, but it still feels like I am in a world with just myself, what is the point of trying to make things? Sure, I will feel better about myself as I grow, but I've still got no one to grow with, so I am just talking to myself. Amusing myself is fine, but I want to reach a level of fun above amusement, a level that others seem to reach so naturally.' 

In fact, maybe you are less 'outward' with your emotions, but as a child and teenager and young adult, there was a lot of screaming and crying and thrashing about 'not being granted the ability to make things others will seriously engage with me about.' 

(The pain remained after making a few friends during teenage years. The pain's attitude shifted slightly to accommodate this new life change of gaining friends. Much later, even after I became an artist with a large visible number of 'followers/people interested in something you make', the pain shifted its shape around this life change again. "People make bad assumptions of me because I have a big visible number in my profile and most websites do not give me the ability to hide that number." Summary: If your pain/frustration still remains after you gain a friend or find people who engage you, don't beat yourself up. Emotions don't work in such a way that the outcomes you desire are only guaranteed to make you happy and no other emotions will rise.)

Although I loved to look at art on websites since I was a child, one may assume I enjoyed the community aspect. I did, but only as a spectator for the vast majority of the time, since age restrictions and the harsh attitudes that exist to 'prevent the weak from touching the strong' was present in many of the sites I visited. Similar to how children get frustrated when another child cannot keep up with their play, but the child that is 'left out' can still enjoy watching other kids play from afar. It makes perfect sense to me these feelings will always exist in the world no matter what 'social media' websites people invent.

Anyway, two solution attempts in succession I tried over long-term:

1. My first attempt at a solution was immersing myself in a fantasy world I created in my mind and I held my imagination in high esteem. "I know my imagination takes influence from the things I read and admire, so it's not such a lonely world anyway." Creating episode lists of imaginary cartoon episodes and such, so dedicated to something I hardly told anyone about. It felt good. But my friends had original characters too, and they could describe their personalities and dynamics to others naturally and quickly, likely due to their earlier experiences with 'communicating ideas to others.' I was quiet and envious. Although it was fun to play with the imaginary characters in my head, I decided to take another step. Of course I could not simply go back in time to gain the similar social experiences my friends had. But I could use that desire to 'go back in time' to 'go forward in time' and gain the experience.

2. Engage in others first. Because I spent a long time in my imagination, I felt more secure about myself, so I wanted to extend the feeling of 'caring about my own work' to 'caring about others' work on an equal level.' The internet allows you to assess people before engaging to see if your compatibility might be okay. If someone had posts that resonated with me, I tried to say 'hello, I like what you posted/I like your drawing because [...]' Even if the contact ended there, it was a good practice. Gently communicate with people over time. Especially since I am sure there are people who rarely receive questions about their artworks who would love someone to engage with them as well. Of course do not do this in a 'pity' sense – you have to genuinely find something that 'touches your heart' and if the artist seems to not get much curiosity in regards to their art, you can go ahead and try to express your curiosity to them. Keep posting whatever you like, but if you engage with others, you may find someone engaging with you without even expecting it, and that is fun.

(I think society should practice finding genuine value in things they like even if they see nobody has touched it. Not pity, but removing the "does anyone else like this? If I see no one else liking this, it must be a bad thing to like, so I won't engage" attitude. Some of my favourite artwork has maybe 5 visible 'bookmarks/favorites' on an art-focused website.)

[11queensupreme11]

How do the gods feel about Percy being an 'It Girl'? Idk, every time I think of her, i just imagine all the popular girls from high school 😭

omg i gotta talk about this in detail forgive me 😂😂

you know those tiktok stories ppl post about their glow ups? like they'd show pics of them when they were kids or in middle school, to how they look now in high school/collage/working adult????

THAT'S PERCY!!!!!

percy canonically was seen as a loser in the earlier books. she was constantly shuffled around boarding schools, which are EXPENSIVE btw, and in my fic the explanation for that is that these schools willingly took percy in with free tuition/lowered tuition because of how HORRIBLE her record is, and they wanted to take her in in hopes they could "improve" her and make their school look better cuz "hey we took this criminal poor child in and we made her a stellar student! we're so much better than the other schools, so give us donations and send ur kids to us because we actually work!" and that obviously just... never happened lol 💀

BUT ANYWAY, those schools are expensive and usually filled with wealthy kids from wealthy families, and they can CLEARLY tell percy isn't one of them. maybe because she's always wearing the same shoes, or she can't afford to get another uniform so she's always got the same crummy one with rips or stains they couldn't get out or "hey i saw percy and her mom walking to the laundromat, they're so poor they don't even have their own washing and drying machine haha!", or "guys i saw percy working at the macy's parade! hahaha, she's so poor she's gotta work during summer break!", etc.

like EVERYONE always knew her as that kid with no money and no dad who's always committing crimes ("hey isn't that jackson girl a terrorist?!"), she's a loser with barely any friends, and the friends she DOES make are losers too (grover and tyson were always looked down on, and in my fic she attends the di angelo's school, and they were looked down on too).

so imagine seeing that kid grow up into her teens and then get hit with the biggest glow up you've ever seen (cuz her face claim's adriana lima) 😂😂😂😂 i think her life started getting better around the time she she started attending goode high (a regular high school, not for elites like her previous school, so no one there knows her aside from her "crimes" on tv). and it's not just the glow up too, she's also a little more outgoing and confident in herself, more comfortable in her skin, etc. she's got a glow up inside AND outside. like imagine strolling around ur school and a girl who looks like a victoria's secret super model just walks by and she NOTICES you and just waves and says "oh hi! 👋😄"

percy has always been seen as a poor loser, but then high school happened and BAM she's now suddenly the most popular girl in school 🥺 she probably has a lot of mortal friends too. so not only is she popular in the demigod/godly world, but also popular in the mortal world (her high school, i mean lol). she's on the swim team, she's the ✨it girl✨ she probably got a ton of juniors or seniors trying to ask her out to prom/homecoming and shit despite being a freshman/sophomore 😂 and because she's got so many friends from school, she most DEFINITELY spent a lot of her free time hanging out with them, like just shopping in new york, going to skate parks, walking around the city, etc. (and with her demigod friends too ofc if they're in new york at the time). her insta, tiktok, and twitter's probably FULL of pics/vids of her just hanging out and being social 😂 she's the girl that's everywhere but home, always out and doing shit 😭

okay okay, i rambled too much im sorry, i just really love talking about percy being an ✨it girl✨ everywhere she goes

but anyways... the yanderes...... WOULD FUCKING HATE IT 😂

poseidon and beelzebub are the biggest introverts EVER. the thought of going out and touching grass would actually give them psychic damage 😂

poseidon's so lucky he was never in sally's position because he wouldn't be able to handle it. his daughter is everywhere BUT HOME 😭😭😭 like pls go home already child, stop hanging out with people, what do you mean you're at a SLEEPOVER RIGHT NOW? NO, COME HOME. do you even know the ppl you're talking to? YOU JUST MET THEM???? DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS, IDC IF THEY'RE COMPLIMENTING UR OUTFIT 😭😭😭 poor percy, in ror verse her life of excitement's gone, no going around hanging out with friends and doing random shit, she's got an overbearing dad now 😭

beelzebub's screaming, crying, throwing up, dramatically sliding his back down the door and everything 😭 going to midgard with percy was already hard enough for him, he literally had to handcuff her because she just WOULDN'T. STAY. STILL. and everyone kept staring at her and everything (remember when he read the mind of that one taxi cab driver and he lost his shit 😂). percy ALWAYS wants to go outside and he can't fucking take that shit, but he loves her so he takes her out anyway and it kills him every time 😭😭 BECAUSE EVERYONE ALWAYS WANTS TO TALK TO HER, AND SHE NEVER DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT like sweetie..... stranger danger 😭

hades would be crying internally like "pls.... stay home.... just stay home pls 😭". he's glad his niece is so well-liked, she deserves to be adored by everyone!!! but maybe... maybe this is just a lil too much popularity... 😭 he'd burst into tears from the sight of her social media accounts alone, she's always out and about and rarely home, always with different ppl. it's so shocking to him cuz he's more comfortable hanging out with ppl he's close to like family and stuff, what do you mean percy's got different friend groups and she's always hanging out with them, what do you mean she's in hundreds of group chats in various texting apps, what do you mean seniors were asking her out to dances, STAY AWAY *HISSSSSS*

APOLLO WOULD BE SO HYPOCRITICAL 😂 he is ALSO a very popular god who's very extroverted and outgoing but holy shit would he meet his match in percy and he starts to see the downsides to such popularity 😂 he's soooooo glad that all of percy's old friends are universes away, but if that starts happening again in THIS universe he'd be on his hands and knees begging her to stay home and stop hanging out with ppl 😭 he now understands why poseidon kept her in the palace, cuz once she's out, she's going EVERYWHERE and meeting EVERYONE and nothing's gonna send her back home unless they drag her 😂

anubis is extroverted af so he definitely understands!!!!!!! jk. he'd be fine with it for the first few 24 hours, then everyone starts to become a threat to him because they keep stealing percy's attention. he'd be like "can't you stay home 🥺 pretty please 🥺🥺🥺 kebechet and i miss you so much 🥺🥺🥺 ur rarely home nowadays 🥺🥺🥺" and he and kebi would work together to guilt her into spending more time with them, and it would work 💀💀💀

loki would make the fatal mistake of taking her around valhalla and meeting other gods and shit, and then immediately regret it once he realizes that he's got a super sociable ✨it girl✨ in his hands who easily befriends everyone she meets 💀 he'd probably try to horde her in the palace, but that doesn't work cuz now she's helping servants out with the cooking and cleaning, having tea parties with odin, petting huginn and muninn, doing thor's hair, hanging out with the valkyries, etc. into the basement she goes, i guess! 😭😭😭

cú chulainn 1000% also understands what it's like to be popular. i'm pretty sure all of ireland knew him; ladies loved the dude and men feared and hated his ass cuz he either killed someone they cared about or fucked their wives and daughters 💀 so yes he definitely understands, but karma strikes him and it strikes him BADLY because percy is absolutely gonna be 100000000% more popular than him. like, he takes her out and looks away from her for ONE SECOND, and she's suddenly got 61341 friends already, half of which are probably in love with her or some shit 😭 hell, she'd probably unknowingly steal the hearts of the girls who crushed on him and all those dudes who hated his ass? yeah now they forgot about him cuz "wow who's the pretty girl next to him?? 😳😳" he'd be so stressed fr, he can't take her ANYWHERE cuz they all WANT HER. deserved karma if you ask me 💀

[scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde]

I've said it before, I'll say it again, and I'm sure it won't be the last time. I AM SICK AND BLOODY TIRED OF THESE MFS, HALF OF WHO DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT CURSED CHILD, BITCHING AND MOANING ABOUT AN ANGSTY TEEN DARING TO BE AN ANGSTY TEEN, I WILL FIGHT THE LOT OF YOU

(this is gonna be a bit long and probably incoherent so sit down and fucking listen to me 🔫 stick with me because I'm not just complaining about albus haters)

eVERYBODY wants cOoMmpllEeXx relatable HUMAN characters - and then SHIT themselves when the flaws a CHILD has isn't just 🥺 uwu im socially awkward and traumatised 🥺. that's why scorpius doesn't get this fuckass treatment, because his terrible human flaw is that he's a bit shit at conversation and gets sad about his dead mum (generalised understatement, but this post isnt about him. dont come for me i love him 🫶🏻)

god forbid albus, who feels unloved and unwanted (with valid evidence for a teenager), albus who feels completely out of place and outcast from his entire famously-close-knit family, ablus who is well known by the world by default via Harry and hates the attention and high expectations, albus who then gets targeted and bullied by his peers because he's not as perfect and brilliant as his father, albus who is then isolated from his one friend because Harry is making irrational ptsd fueled decisions, albus who tells Harry completely sincerely that he knows he's unlikeable but he'll try and change himself and be more like his siblings because he genuinely believes that's what Harry and everyone else whos had the misfortune of meeting him wants, albus who spends the entire play trying to prove himself and fix things via idiotic childish decisions BECAUSE HES A WHOLE UNSTABLE CHILD

god forbid that CHILD doesn't react like a patient, supported, well adjusted, level headed adult. god forbid he reacts outwardly. god forbid he reacts at all, my bad. clearly he should just sniffle a bit as if he doesn't feel suffocated and helpless by everything in his life, because obviously hes just a spoiled brat who doesn't know what real suffering is. god forbid he complains or feels anything negatively, or doesn't quite grasp that other people are struggling too because he is too busy trying so hard to deal with himself and his declining mental health the best he can with basically no support or understanding. god forbid he isn't completely perfect.

you all sound like some fucking boomer telling teenagers they don't know what real struggling is, they aren't mentally ill, they dont have any problems because they have a roof over their head, they should all go to war kids are too soft these days 😫😖😱 fUCKING‼️SHUT UP‼️

he does things wrong but he knows he does and he does everything he can to fix it! and he is fourteen!!! do none of you remember what being fourteen is like 😭😭 I swear half of you have got to be basically fourteen yourselves cmon man

cause I'm seeing this fucking pattern a lot recently. not just for albus, not just in this fandom, everywhere. ‼️ no one can fucking handle flawed characters anymore ‼️ the only thing any character is allowed to have wrong with them is trauma apparently, otherwise they have to be perfect, and I'm getting sick of it. characters and stories are meant to reflect real life, they're meant to help shape our world view, why are you expecting everyone to be fucking perfect??? what happened to nuance? what happened to understanding character development? you are all acting like characters and people are so black and white. either they're perfect or they're insufferable and evil. I won't lie, the most common victims i've noticed of this are women. but the flawed women are typically demonised, whereas the men are typically turned into uwu baby boys who actually aren't capable of doing anything wrong and then fanon goes nuts making them into ittle wittle victims. and I'm so fucking sick of all of it, I hate this. (obviously this is not a strict rule. Albus Potter, and also Albus Dumbledore now I mention it, are demonised beyond belief)

BRING BACK FLAWS AND BRING BACK NOT COMPLETELY WRITING OFF A CHARACTER BECAUSE THEY DARE TO BE HUMAN

I AM FED UP, ALBUS POTTER GET BEHIND ME

[paper-mario-wiki]

I don't know if you've talked about this elsewhere already but was the break from streaming intentional and/or are you planning on returning to streaming some time in the foreseeable future? no pressure, I just miss your silly antics :o)

felt very burnt out from being someone who people are always lookin at all the time mostly! (and also a lot more reasons)

got a new job that pays just as well as streaming (which is enough to pay for rent in seattle with roommates, buy food for myself, and sometimes buy yet another japanese gamecube via online auction), and have been enjoying the feeling of not relying on anonymous teenagers and young adults who are just as poor as me on the internet for my income. It's something i was extremely grateful for, but it's not only a very infirm way to generate revenue on a reliable basis, but also i always felt an ever-present sense of guilt for it. like, instilling within other people who i know are in my tax bracket (one that is below the poverty line) the idea of "hey if you dont tip me for doing this free service, the quality of which is damningly subjective, I will be homeless. but no pressure haha" is something that i was never able to shake.

also like. performing is quite draining for me! the way i portray myself in my streams is EXTREMELY extroverted while, in my personal life, i prefer to spend 8 to 14 of my waking hours every day by myself in my room with my dog. i like the quiet, and i feel at peace most when i am not being perceived by other people.

lastly, i really dislike having inordinate levels of social power. for a several reasons. like, SEVERAL reasons. this is the longest section of this post.

8 years ago, i got way more famous than any 16 year old should ever be when i got tens of thousands of followers overnight for doing undertale shit. and i think it really fucked up my ability to make friends at a time where my only experience meeting new people was at school or at church, and i lived far enough out in the woods that i couldnt just go outside and hang out with the neighbors cuz the neighbors lived a mile away. my socializing skills in general are way more stilted than i'd prefer for someone my age. in private settings ive got my foot in my mouth a lot. and sometimes in public settings too! im sure if youve seen streams ive been on, youve seen plenty of "chase you really shouldnt have said that" moments. and youre probably right, i probably shouldnt have! my moment-to-moment gauge for what i should and shouldnt say is very slow to catch up cuz ive got like. advanced mental illnesses. like, im not joking when i say ive been formally diagnosed several times over by different doctors with shit ive never heard anybody ever talk about, online or otherwise.

i dont think that's an excuse to say heinous or cruel things by any means of course, but i also think that i should not rely on a job where there's constantly a microphone in my hand and an audience listening intently to what i say. im not at all pulling the "its okay that i say mean things because im mentawy iww" card. as a matter of fact i think it's not okay that i say them! and i feel very embarrassed when i do! the filter that separates "normal healthy thoughts" and "intrusive unhealthy thoughts" is thinner and more flimsy in my brain than in others.

ive only gotten this far because i surround myself with very smart, patient, and kind people, and by trying to be understanding and patient with others too. and ive begun apologizing to people a lot more. i dont like it when people are mad at me, and i dont like that for a long time i had professionally painted myself into a corner where im typically always the "heel" in comedy settings, because the "heel" is the guy everyone shits on all the time. i got this reputation not because i actively enjoy being mean, but because i learned to adapt to the aforementioned "clinically unreliable intrusive thoughts filter" by realizing i would say things that came across as mean, and in real time exaggerating that it into a character that people could shoot back at without feeling guilty while still having fun. theres nothing that ruins a good time quite like someone who is constantly apologizing for doing something wrong, and then continuing to do that wrong thing anyway. dont misunderstand, i absolutely adore dunking on weenies when everyone can get a good laugh out of it (like tumblr anons, who i think should be classified as prokariyotic invertebrates and not people (no offense)) but even though it's a joke it still feels very bad when that's expected of me when i walk into a room. because if i walk into a room, and everyone expects me to be an asshole, everyone is on the defensive before i say anything, and sometimes they take shots at me when im not trying to "play". even worse, if im a heel in a setting where it's expected of me and someone cant really keep up with "the bit" then that just means im being an asshole to someone who cant or doesnt have the energy to fight back. and not just any asshole, an asshole who has had nearly a decade of professional experience being a paid asshole.

if im being frank, i dont know if i'll come back in a full capacity. i might! im not ruling that out! and you'll probably still see me pop up in my friends streams, because i did LOVE what i did for a very long time! but after i took my "break" in december after being more stressed than ive ever been, and i knew it was no longer financially necessary for me to livestream, i had the thought "i will go back to streaming when i find within myself a desire to do so" and ya know what? i havent yet.

and DO NOT FUCKING BOTHER MY FRIENDS ABOUT THIS. if you post a fucking "hey have u heard what chase said" message in their chat or in their DMs or anything, im not joking when i say you are actively being the kind of person i changed my career to avoid! fuck you, for real! stop trying to interface with them to get some new piece of information or opinion about me you fucking weirdo! they'll talk about me if they want to, but going to someone who is doing their own thing and asking them to instead comment on someone else it is ALWAYS fucking annoying. if you want to think about me, do it by yourself! or ask me directly! or do it in the comment section of a video im in! or write a fanfiction about me and then throw it away!

but if ur not that kind of person then ur cool dont worry.

anywho! im sorry if this is a bummer to read. but that's the full skinny.

im still posting regularly on twitter (clown_depot)! and if i DO go live, either on my twitch channel or on a friend's stream, it will be posted there!

thanks for watching :^]

im not goin radio silent, im just gonna turn off the electric window that lets people see me for a while.

[bitchlessdino]

TPC: Seungcheol hot tub sexcapades

Series

Pairing: afab!reader x seungcheol

Genre: smut

Word count: 2.6k

tags: virgin!reader, mention of body image issues, mention of adult content, mentions of tresspasing, mentions of drinking alcohol, smut but not sex? nag!seungcheol, heavy making out, oral (reader rec.), fingering

Summary: At the grown age you are, you were very much ready to lose this social construct that is your virginity, and who better to lose it to than the hottest guy at the party.

author note: i haven't touched this in so long. Happy to have them back and with cheol of all people. hopefully finishing this soon bc it looks like I have another mile stone Im about to hit.

Tag list: @iwouldbangchan @1uvlywon @just-here-to-read-01 @candidupped @minnie-mouser22 @shiningstar-byulxx @90s-belladonna @misssugarlips @tommolex @hoeforhao @honglynights @homerunhansol @dkakapizzaboy @junhui-recs @svtup @buffhoshi @meowmeowminnie @caratochan @lovebot4han @lovelyhan

The only times you’ve cum were by the will of your own hand. It’s embarrassing to admit, but you are painfully a virgin.

High school wasn’t great to you and neither is college, but it came at a point in time you were ready to get it over with. God, did you sound like some cliche. Not any more cliche than this party you’re at though. Drunk, horny, high. Almost everyone there was one, two, or all of the above. 

You aren’t all that different. Especially after landing your eyes on possibly the best lay you could have. His eyes round like planets, shining brighter than any star in the sky. His hair is coiffed more perfect than the head of any Ken doll. And his lips, so naturally pouty and biteable, sinking your teeth into his bottom lip would taste sex alone. 

“Ooh, he's a good one. Nice eye.” 

“Em, I can’t,” you say, shaking your head at your friend. “Look at him. He’s too out of my league. What would I even say? Hey, you’re really hot, wanna take my virginity sometime? Are you kidding me?”

“Why the fuck not? You’re hot, he’s hot. You would make the hottest porno ever to exist—if that was your plan.” She adds that last part after seeing the panicked look in your eyes.

“Yeah,” You reply, rolling your eyes. “Hot stud steals V card from loser virgin.”

“There’s a market for that,” she nudges.

“Whatever. I’ll probably just look for someone more approachable.”

“Hey, the worst thing about coming up to him is he says he isn’t interested.”

“And how is that not at all traumatizing?”

“It’s life. Just be willing to walk through it.”

With a bit more convincing, somehow she’s managed to push you toward him. Your sneakers dragged against the floorboards, hands shaking in anticipation. In a split second, his bored gaze lands on you, and a chilling strike runs down your spine. It halts your step. Time slows down as the corner of his lips slowly turns up. His chin lifts up to greet you nonverbally, waiting for you to come closer.

You finally reach him, eyes following you like a hawk, you try to relax in his presence. Emphasis on try because besides the music, all you can hear is the pounding in your chest that travels to your ears. You release a shallow breath before saying “hi,” really wishing now you accepted that drink earlier when you arrived.

“Hi.” His voice was deep, yet mellow. “Having a good night?”

“I think so. You?”

“You can say that.” He briefly nods off to scan the party. “Could be better though.”

“How so?”

“It just,” he simply shrugs his shoulders, “could be better.”

You take a second to think about how you can turn this around in your favor. Strategizing happens to be one of your many amazing qualities. Like a light bulb appearing above your head, you remind yourself of the neighborhood you’re in and how familiar you are with it than you realize. “What if I told you I knew a place we can use a hot tub? No one home, all to ourselves.”

“I’d say, ‘hi, I’m Seungcheol. Pleasure to meet you. What’s this about a hot tub?’”

You make your grand escape from the party to take Seungcheol to a neighbor's house that you’re used to babysitting. As far as you know, they’re on a vacay to the Bahamas and won't be back until next weekend. That means you have all the freedom to hop over the fence to their backyard with an unlikely chance of getting caught.

“So, how do you know this place we’re trespassing?”

“I know the owners. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”

You turn on the hot tub and watch as the bubbles start to form, your smile doing just the same. Your eyes shift from the water to him nervously. “Just takes a few seconds. Meanwhile…” Your fingers fiddle with the bottom hem of your shirt, raising it past your mid-drift. Your nails graze up your sides as your shirt is pulled over your head, revealing imperfect skin, an imperfect body, scantily clad by beige–your safe color–lace and ribbon. “We can’t get our clothes wet.”

It took time for you to give your body the love it deserves and some days you still feel it’s not worth it, but at the end of the day, you’re the one living in it. You had it only in yourself to love it the most, even if you made it the reason you’ve gotten this far without popping your cherry. Your worst critic would always be yourself, after all.

Even in this backyard, where Seungcheol can't even bear to tear his eyes away from you. He draws in a breath, quietly scoffing to himself as he outlines the shape of your body. To him, the evening air smells delicious with the addition of the view. And no, he wasn’t looking at the full moon tonight.

The sensation in his chest deepens when your shorts are released from their top button, falling to your ankles after the zipper is pulled down. “Well?”

He looks up after your eruption of giggles, watching as your toe is first to dip in the warm water. Inch by inch, your body gets submerged, raising your internal body temperature by several degrees. He breaks away from your gaze with a smug smile, finally removing articles of his clothes, starting with his shirt. 

An Adonis body perfectly matching his Adonis face. Chiseled all over, his muscles stood taunt on his figure. He joins, sitting across from you, sharing the heat of the surrounding water, now glistening his skin in the beautiful twilight. You could devour every inch of him.

“This is nice.”

“I told you. Would take this baby out when the kids I babysit are asleep. Let my mind go blank for an hour or two.”

He nods at that, silent after.

“This is actually the first time I brought someone, always too scared about getting caught on the job. Haha.” Why would you say that?

You shut your eyes in embarrassment but tried to get over the initial cringe of your words before changing the subject. “So, do you always follow strangers at the mention of a hot tub?”

“Not always, but I find it better not to question most things. More fun that way. Do you always lure strangers into intimate and private settings?”

“No, but so far I have no complaints.”

He gives you a closed-mouth grin, now making you wonder about the smile he’s hiding behind those lips. “Let’s hope I keep it that way.”

The air is thick with tension, even six feet apart from each other. Most men would pretend not to look, but not Seungcheol. His eyes stayed stuck to you, dark and stormy in stark contrast to the clear skies faintly illuminated by the lawn lights and barely there stars. You are almost sure he wants you at least a third as much as you want him, but he made no gesture in approaching you first, so you dangle yourself in front of him. 

Lifting off your seat, your breasts bounce up from the water it once floated in into the cool, crisp air. You saunter in his direction until you're mere centimeters away from him, supremely conscious of the pure sex radiating off his pristinely large build. “It’s gonna sound like a cliche, but I don’t do this kind of thing. I’m usually a by-the-books person.”

“What’s changed?”

Your hand reaches for his bicep, hard and pulsing under your fingertips, and you pull yourself towards him, knees bent on either side of his thick thighs until you're straddling him. Your eye level ascends until you’re looking down at him, his irises dilating once he sees you and feels your soft curves meet his deep hollows. “You look more fun than books.”

“So what, you’re gonna do things differently with me?” You feel the pad of his fingers ghost over your spine, shivers following, causing you to arch into him with a gasp. “I don’t know if I’m worth all that.”

Your hands trickle on the nap of his neck, threading in his dry hair, and excitement bubbles inside you. “The call I get to make.”

His lips, pink and plump, meet yours when you lean in. Like pillows, they cushion the impact and hug the curve of your lips before they start ebbing with carnage. His hands press into the solid of your lower back, fusing into like a tense thread has snapped loose. Your tongue beckons him for access, cheeks flushed against him. You whimper as he holds you tighter, his erection digging into your crotch, and you can somehow feel how wet you are. You’re wet all over from the water your party submerged in, but the lining of your warmth contains a more viscous fluid.

Eventually, Seungcheol pulls away, earning your bemused expression. “I’m not taking your virginity.”

“What?” You ask, shocked, backing away. “How—Why the hell not?”

“I overheard what you and your friend said. Not very subtle. As to why…you deserve better than that.”

You roll your eyes, “Ugh, you’re one of those guys. Remember that not everyone holds the value of sex to this same high standard.”

“But you do, given you feel so pressured to do it for the first time.” He lays an awkwardly platonic pat on your arm, discomfort apparent on your face, but he shows no sign of caring. “I’m not going to let you throw something…heavy away to someone you met—what, 15 minutes ago—to cater to a societal norm. Depending on the person, they would have hurt you. I could’ve hurt you.”

“Look.” Your hand presses against his bare chest. “I approached you. I chose you. Who I decide to have sex with is up to me. I’m grown enough to make that decision.”

“I’m not telling you to promise your body to someone you plan on marrying. What you deserve is to have it to be with someone special, at least someone you trust. Why would you let me even this close to you?”

You scoff. “You had no complaints when we were making out. So don’t use this generic ass excuse that it should be ‘special’ or someone I ‘trust.’ If you don’t want to sleep with me then don’t.”

“You don’t listen.”

“I’ve complied with most things in my life. This will not be one of them. Now, if you don’t want this, it won’t be you. I’ll move on to someone else…I’d just hoped it’d be you.” You lift yourself onto the ledge, only your feet in the water. “Seeing as this is going nowhere, thanks for wasting my time. Good kisser though. Three stars.”

You’re about to leave when his hand stops at your knee. You look down at him expectantly as he gets closer. “Stubborn too.” He stands in the pool to meet your eyes, lips pursed in an amused smile. “I followed you so no one else would. I plan to keep it that way.”

You raise a brow, unsure where your surge of confidence came from, finally feeling the tremble of your hand as it covers his. “What makes you think after this I plan on staying with you?”

“Because although I won’t be having sex with you, I can give you something just close enough.”

Now both hands are on your knees, lips colliding with yours once more, just as hot and sweet as the first kiss. You moan as his teeth dig into your bottom lip, his hands finding your unbreached heat. Then there's that familiar reflex of pulling away, the situation dawning on you now. You blink back at this beautiful man that takes your breath away just from his mere presence and get that same feeling every other time you come close. “Seungcheol…”

“You backing down on me, virgin?”

“Okay, that hurt.”

He chuckles. “I’m teasing, but not the kind I should be doing.” He lands a kiss on your nose. “I’ll be careful. If you let me, that is.”

“I am. You just make me really nervous.”

“I understand. I won’t do anything you wouldn’t want me to.”

You nod, a little too eagerly. “I want you. I-I’m letting you.”

“Good, then relax.”

He parts your legs further away, hand firmly pressed against your warmth, seizing the oxygen from your lungs, and he kisses you tenderly. Your hand clasps over his cheeks, deepening your liplock, and you feel the courage seep out of his fingers as they push aside your damp panties. His digits glide over your moisture, coating himself in the arousal built over your time together and you feel him smile against your lips. “That’s definitely not water, but I have a feeling you know that already.”

“More teasing?” You ask in a weak breath.

“I’ll make sure it’s worth it.”

He bows his head, his knees hitting the plastic bottom. His hands glide over your thighs, a tingling sensation follows its path. His kiss marks your skin in a way that wasn’t visible, only burning you with an unreplicable heat. His touch—gentle and firm—makes your head go to places you usually go to when you’re alone. His eyes tell you comfort and safety, but conflict with the glint of hunger that shines through.

He kisses the center of your folds, easing at you with light flicks of his tongue. Although delicate, it drives you insane, wanting you just to bury his face inside you already. Patience eventually rewards you as his tongue runs stripes over your bordering thighs—small jumps on your end—then your slit. He coats himself in your translucent nectar, sighing in your heat. Mewls then leave you like a nursery rhyme, haunting yet addictive. “Delectable just as much as you look.”

There’s a slow rise and drop of your chest watching him devour you. His lips purse to your core, darting in you to lap your insides, and you whine from his vigor. Your thighs press against his hot, red cheeks as water splashes around him. You shake—vibrate actually—speaking his name like it was the only thing that makes sense, and somehow you still feel how gentle he is with you. 

This stranger is meant to be a stranger, so why did he make you feel special?

With the curl of his fingers, they plunge in you, feeling how you pulsate around him as he sucks on your clit. You buck into his face, a wreck, hands glued to the edge of the tub in anguish. Your moans are a grand symphony on loop, the background music to the beautiful moment he’s savoring. How you gush feels him with pride, tightening his core as you push his head closer with your knees. “I-I’ma cum…”

He says nothing, only rummaging faster, deeper, holding on to the pace until his gums are filled with your climax, not minding how it makes him a mess. Your hips hit his face in an erratic beat, only settling down after he licks your thighs clean. You gasp in amazement, only for that gasp to be swallowed by Seungcheol as he sticks his tongue down your throat; you taste his promise.

You part in thick, glossy ribbons, eyes fucked from–you still can’t believe you’re saying this–orgasming by someone other than yourself.

“T-thank you,” you say with gratitude you conjured from the pit of your stomach.

“If you really want to thank me,” he leans in closer, “Let me take you out sometimes and I’ll let you experience it all over again.”

[understandableparadox]

Bottom of the barrel isekai reviews:

Todays title: Welcome to demon school iruma

hi, im back, tell a friend.

Anyways we will be looking over something populer, and only a few images this time. I want this to be a nice slide back into the mix while I get ready to boil myself alive by reading shitty isekais.

"b-b-b-b-but dox!" you say, your form emaciated and ghoulish from months of little to no attention "how is it an isekai?"

Normally an isekai requires some form of passage into another world through death, but again, we are going to consider any and all portal fantasies to be on-par with isekais. as death and jumping through a funky portal are really kinda the same thing if you think about it.

so! plot synopsis, we open on the titular character iruma! they are being sold to a demon, don't worry this action will be the literal best thing that has ever happened to them. Also, added treat, slavery is not a running theme in this manga! HURRAY! WE HAVE FOUND OVERCOME THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM! HUZZAH FOR MEDIOCRITY! MY DESIRE TO RUN MY HEAD THROUGH A ARC OF GONGS UNTIL THE SOUND WAVES LIQUIDATE MY BRAIN MATTER HAS LESSENED!

anyways we get to know some important plot points between the buyer and the product! (our mc)

iruma is a 14 year old yes man. They say yes to everything, even yes to the idea of breaking child labor laws! as their parents are frivolous unimportant freaks that spend way too much money then bolt, leaving him to work off the debt. Anyways, that's how this happened. they wanted dosh, and our buyer, we will call him grandpa!

Why is he so interested in buying a child? simple! He is rich and wants to have a grandson, unfortunately, he does not have a dick due to war injuries... ok thats a lie, he just wants a grand kid.

Anyways this is a very interesting title in the fact that it is still in a way, a power fantasy, but the power in that fantasy is separated towards other things.

It is a story in which you have the power to be helped. The adults in this manga are actual competent adults, they are there for the protection of the children, they are there to guide, nurture, train and help them grow. Despite differences or annoyances some may have, those are secondary to the ferocity they show when it comes to ensuring the protection of their students.

Iruma does have a lot of “i am the chosen one” but it is not something that automatically aids him in most situations, in fact it is the triad of facts of “I am a human”, “I want to help”, “I am determined” that allow him to rise both in power and social standing. The might makes right idealism of the underworld forced to reckon with people that stop to drag someone across the finish line. 

As for the plot, it goes along a few separate arcs; there is a very clear progression of time as Iruma gets older. Mostly split into two parts. Irumas social life, in which we get to see him become better and better friends with the students and faculty at this school. Showing both the give and take as they both show how far they are willing to go for each other. 

The second half is the mystery and political intrigue of the demonic society at large. The idea of a demon king has gone missing, disciples of which are eager to try and resurrect him as they see no one who is more suitable for the role, opposing forces trying to groom the top students at various schools into the role of king in a contest of disciples. 

I think you should give it a read, its cute, the designs are fun and the power system while simple is still enough to give the action that is there a lot of meat. It's also satisfying thing to read if you just got done with a shounen and you are wondering “where the fuck are the adults? Why are these children doing everything?”

Draw backs. Not a lot but some of the students are essentially drawn as adults and there are parts where you will feel slightly skived out by.

[jiminy-crickets]

yes it was the connor post I haven’t read that intently in ages

the connor post nonny is refering too

YESSSSSSS, i cant be normal about him because no one else is able to be normal about him, the part that gets me, that im being really abnormal about at this specific second is him and his family temporarily MOVING TO SWEDEN, when he was 15 so he could train.... that's not normal!!!!! he never had a normal teenage years, we will never have normal adult years, i need to wipe the worlds memory of him and send him to college for two semesters, i need him to throw up in the bushes outside a frat, i need him to regret taking an 8am, i need him to socialize with people who don't play hockey, i need him to be normal. i need the league to teach these kids to take hits, i need them to try and acclimate the kids who don't get sent to a farm team after getting drafted, how many fucking rookies need to get hurt, and take bad hits for the league to finally realize that they aren't doing well by them. how many more players need to use the nhlpa player assistance program before they realize that taking a bunch of children and signing them to multi year contracts and with a schedule that leaves you traveling and away from your non hockey friends and family for months on end is a recipe for unhealthy coping mechanisms, mary @pwhl-mybeloved said earlier that someone sent in 15 duplicate cards to get graded of a kid who isn't eligible for the draft until 2026, the era of social media is putting even more eyes on "generational talents" THIS QUOTE FROM EMILY KAPLAN AT ESPN

Bedard tries to stay out of public when he can, and as he gave me a tour in his off-roader SUV, bumping some top-40 music, it became apparent why. When he stopped at a red light, a car pulled up with four adults who recognized Bedard instantly. The driver honked and waved enthusiastically as the three passengers frantically fiddled with their phones to take photos. Bedard, clearly experienced with this exact scenario, politely smiled back. "There's a bit of buzz, and for me, it's kind of crazy to see some of the things and people I've been compared to," Bedard said. "It's a lot different getting recognized out and about. It's something I'm getting used to. It's supercool feeling the support. But you know ... I'm still a kid." He's understating the buzz.

^^^^^ HE WAS 17!!!!!!!! THE ENTIRE ARTICLE GUTS ME

he's too young!!!! we are putting children on too high of pedestals, we make children sign contracts with an organization that doesn't care, not about their physical health, not about their mental health, we are stuck perpetually dooming hundreds of children each fucking year.

people want to be angry at cutter gauthier because he "broke up" jamie and tz but i care that a child (okay hes 20 now… and was 19 when the tarde happened, and he was 18 when drafted) who informed the flyers back in MAY OF LAST YEAR, that he didn't want to sign, WAS DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD!!!!! because the flyers dragged their heels for almost a year and wouldn't take his "im not signing" as an answer!

the fucking amazon tv show "focusing on 10-12 players" will never show any of this shit, the league wants to grow its audience and appeal to a younger and more female audience, but young people are smart, and more people are going to notice, cutter didn't break to mainstream audiences, but this fucking amazon show is going to bring a bunch of eyes, and those eyes are going to look at connor, because there is no fucking way he isnt going to be one of the players they focus on, the league isn't that stupid, and those new eyes are going to see what i see, and i won't be the only person walking round in circles mumbling about gifted children never adjusting.

[burntnotices]

you know, fandom is weird for me.

im in a lot, passively and actively. i love a lot of things. but burn notice, you know?

its been the literal Sun to my Earth for over nine years now. sure, the fandom certainly predates me even being aware of its existence. (i was indeed in the single digits when it first aired.) but there was a period of time, roughly around 15-19 where i WAS the fandom.

of course people were around, here and there. burn notice was an incredibly popular show, but not a Popular Show.

it was one of those that dominated the public eye for a couple dazzling years, fizzled out, and then entirely forgotten.

it has had its resurgence lately. not a “big” one, but a notable one no doubt. and it made me realize,

i have hinged my whole adult (and teenage) identity on this show. being this show’s number one fan. and when it gets down to it, and i see people enjoying the show that i literally have been a walking advertisement for, for the greater part of a decade, its bittersweet.

finally, people listen. but also, i feel a lack of a sense of self.

of course dubbing myself “THE burn notice person” when there was no fandom was egotistical and pointless at best, i never really imagined that identity being challenged.

and, no, obviously nobody is challenging it. that’s silly. it was never a serious title to begin with, but just a joking testament to my dedication and passion for the series. but in a way, it was.

but with the spreading of the show, i realize that being a vessel of transmitting Burn Notice Brainworms is pretty much moot now. like im not needed?

and god it sounds so dumb to say. im so depressed and self-hating but have such an elevated sense of self and worth about the dumbest stuff. it just sounds so (for lack of a better word) narcissistic of me to want to disappear the second im not “important” anymore. so on brand, and i really hate it.

its just all so fucking dumb. i know how dumb it is to feel this way, but i also still feel a sense of grief and loss over something i never had a say over in the first place.

i think part of it is that i wasted all of my teen and young adult years being a hermit, doing nothing but watching the show over, and over, and over, and over, and over, with nothing to show for it. i feel like i have entitlement to it because of that, and thats so fucking dumb. i don’t know why i am that way. i wish i wasnt.

i wish i could just be happy to have people who i share an interest with, but it just makes me want to disappear?

im no stranger to self-sabotage, but something about this feels different than that. i can’t explain it.

i don’t know. i can’t really explain why i feel such a sense of ownership over something i absolutely have no business feeling entitled to.

maybe its one of those “i suffered so everyone else should too” mentalities?

yknow, being bullied by my peers for being weird, or being told to shut up about it by my friends, both online and off, and my parents and family completely tuning me out whenever i spoke. “carrying” the fandom into the 2020’s by being annoying and loud.

i know i didnt DO anything for this fandom. i didn’t carry anything. nothing would be different today whether i was here or not. im owed nothing. people deserve to love the show, i want people to, but i still backslide into feeling like i should just throw in the towel because someone will love it more. someone will do better than me.

maybe thats why i liked competing for the title of “the best” in a ring with no opponents. so i could feel important for once. i know i stand up to no one, in anything i do. my art. my video game scores. my trivia. my money. my collections.

and when that “”title”” is challenged, i feel lost again. not because im in the ring with a bunch of people, but because nobody else is even competing, and yet i still lose. because everyone else is at the bar next door.

im the fool for trying to win at a social setting.

but then, i never really was equipped for socialization anyway. somewhere the wires got crossed.

anyway, i don’t really remember what my point was. i guess im just complaining. nothing new.

im just glad that burn notice has people who care about it.

[storm-of-feathers]

We're starting drama? Oh oh let me try!

Well actually, not to throw accusations around, but I think it's predatory of you not to link to a carrrd in your bio with your exact date and time of birth, precise location, a family tree 5 generations deep, as well as your blood type and at least three personality types from different personality tests. That's what a groomer would do. You're friends with minors too, aren't you? Even though you're an adult? And you're hiding it to get close to them... Plus, we can't verify the validity of your opinions on social justice issues, since you're so suspiciously not sharing every detail about your person online. Suspicious. That's the kind of stuff that goes in a callout post.

im coming to [location] to kick your fucking ass i swear to god im gonna make ram balls out of you

[party-gilmore]

absolutely wild learning about my austistic leanings later in life because like

my parents just thought i was “eccentric” and found me rather entertaining, weirdness and all (plus their own probably undiagnosed AuDHD making their benchmark for normal skewed anyway) and my mon specifically was always so “mever change for anyone just be you” from a very young age so i just…

never experienced the concept of masking i guess?

Not as masking, I mean.

i would read accounts from autistic people talking about their experiences and struggles and pressure to conform and masking and the mental effects thereof and i would feel empathy because i “went through similar issues” but i th

i thought i was just being bullied for being Weird. just in general. like kids do. that this was a case of “well this sounds a lot like what i go through, but im not actually autistic so it probably isnt my place to join the conversation.”

it just never clicked that, “um. hi. these are the exact same behaviors you do. and there were moments in your life that almost led you to masking. because thats what it would’ve been. masking. but your dumb ass thought it wouldve just been ‘changing how you act and who you are in order to be bullied less’ which okay TECHNICALLY yes that is an accurate if watered down description of masking too, but.

Then you refused to on principle, because bullying is bad and fuck you and got angry about it to the point of overcompensating and INCREASING your Behaviors (tm) until you completely skipped over one of the key experiences that wouldve helped you identify with other people on the spectrum later in life.”

I just rolled through life like a steamroller of righteous, spiteful confidence that my preferences and actions were nobody’s business but my own and vice versa unless they clearly and directly affected others - so much so that I never actually set any kind of benchmark pattern for the way (NT) people around me act.

So I never had a benchmark for masking.

like im going back through all my memories of friendships that soured because i took everything at face value instead of trying to read deeper into cues. because I would always just say what i wanted people to know, straight up. like if i wanted attention i would ask for it if i wanted them to know i was hurt i would tell them. That made so much sense to me i assumed that was the norm. Because clearly. Thats logical. and obvious. So certainly other people are doing the same.

I got blinsided a LOT by the games my school friends and later some early adult friends played, yeah, but AGAIN (see: steamroller of self confidence) I simply assumed that was THEIR problem, not mine, and just… grieved the friendship and hoped for their sake they’d eventually sort their shit out 🤣

I literally thought they were the ones having difficulty with social contracts and cues and relationships.

Then over the past couple years the more I see accounts from other people in the AuDHD spectrum, like “yeah neurotypicals actually [thing i had been assuming was just an asshole trait for years without questioning it], heres what they really mean and a good script for responding” and “its funny how i [exact behavior i did for years] and no one realized i was austistic till later” im like… 🙃

And the last kicker was the post about food touching with the tag response “sometimes masking your autistic traits ends up more autistic than the unmasked trait” and my gut reactions were, in order:

…why would you bother to mask that, why is the way you eat anyone elses business?

i mean i guess it would ease up the pressure a bit, i got bullied for that too, i can see how maybe you wouldnt want to have to put… up with…

…

oHHHH SHIT IS THAT WHAT IT WOULDVE BEEN. IF I HADNT BEEN SO ANGRY ABOUT BEING ASKED TO CHANGE. IT WOULDVE BEEN MASKING. IF I’D KNOWN WHAT THAT WAS. THIS WHOLE TIME.

its just… its just been a series of months of me shaking my head and realizing my entire life has been that meme like “Am I having difficulties connecting socially??? No, it is everyone else who is wrong.”

🤣 girl help

[ceilingfan5]

I lied, here's another AU: fitness class pirates

(5 things au game)

fucking incredible. are they pirates who are taking a fitness class?? is it a modern fitness class dressing up like pirates????? is it a modern fitness class besieged by real pirates?? a fitness class on a cruise ship??????? i have had cruising on the brain...

okay krav is on a cruise with his moms, who were like come wiiiiith us you need a vacation and it would be so nice and krav is like im a full adult- and they were like we'll pay and he was like i'll pack right now

his poor goth ass on this cruise. he is Baking. he is grumpy. he's an alone adult goth man on a cruise with his moms trying not to be Hanging Out 24 sev with his moms but also it isn't like he's a social butterfly. he does Not just want to Go Up to a person and talk to them. OR be perceived being alone. you cannot win. it's like a gacha waifu game, probably. so he's like. fucking structure will maybe fix this. yeah? and he signs up for some events/classes

and shows up to a like, yoga class wearing his black workout clothes on this cruise ship in sunny middle of the ocean with no land on the horizon in any direction and he is sweating so bad his sunglasses are fogging up and he's doing this class and waiting for the sea to swallow him up cause he is not exactly making any friends here

AND then their class on the shiny deck is BESIEGED by fucking?? pirates?? waving too-shiny swords and making very silly pirate noises, and the most handsome man Kravitz has ever seen "takes out" the yoga instructor and they start doing pirate yoga. all themed for the on cruise pirate show of course. it's an ad. damn. krav is not going to get tied up by a pirate. aw.

and taako comes over and brandishes his plastic sword at krav for staring and not doing downward dog and krav laughs and taako forgets his role and they talk and krav is heart eyes and taakos like. come see me after the show. eyebrow waggle. you would not want to get frisky in the crew quarters of a cruise ship but im sure lots of people do. but maybe they can figure something else out. anyway taako's on contract for the rest of the season but they become online boyfriends and there's an emotional airport reunion when they finally get to move in together and- listen-

[reubarb]

i wish i understood social interaction. everyone makes it seem so easy but i feel that if i tried even a fragment of that i'd get my head bitten off. it sucks because i'm an adult now. everyone seems to have their shit together on this front even if they're younger than me and i really want to join things, to join fandoms. everyone else can but i'm just left behind.

it's like everyone has a manual for this sort of thing but me and i'm too scared to even try. what if i say something wrong? then everyone'll jump me, they'll cast me aside and pat themselves on the back for giving the leper a chance and to have been proven right that i am immoral, i am irreversably tainted. i don't know how to make friends. a part of me wants it, to discuss things i like with them, to have inside jokes, to be close, to maybe even have a friend group.

but i can't do it. i'm a coward. i feel like i have to live up to standards. i need to include everyone, i need to talk and reblog and whatever about the political things in the world. i know they are necessary, i fully know that. i want to be braver. maybe i could do something. but i just look and i feel so tired of all the cruelty. nothing i will ever do will be good enough.

i'm too stupid, i'm bad at life and a part of me just wants to give up. to leave the internet. nobody'd miss me i'm sure of it. but i also hate talking about it because i can't let anyone know how i feel. that feels like they're being guilt tripped. because i dont think im worthy of love and affection in any capacity because i'm rotten to the core, i am tainted i am not human i am not worthy of human things

i even questioned about my identity too sometimes. but i cannot be what could be me, i must not question it. i am too rotten, i would only bring everyone down. so i will suffer. but maybe i am not suffering, i am deceiving myself in all likelihood but i know that now that i have said this, i shall be shunned. it is the way people are and i know it they lie right to your face i know it please be honest i dont know

sorry this is stupid i'll fuck off now.

[sedittedice]

Tw: vent

So back in like October I got in some drama in a server I'm in (I'm not gonna say what server I'm just gonna say it was the server of an artist I use to really look up to)

But yeah I was friends with one of the mods/server owners friends let's call them Tiffany

So me and Tiffany agreed to ship our wh ocs (let's call the ship MM)

Ok real quick ill just go ahead and make a name list thing:

Server owner: Britney

Owners friend that I became friends with: Tiffany

Ship me and Tiffany made: MM

My friend: Amanda

The server: the Britney server

Other person that shipped their oc with Tiffany's: Megan

Ok so now that that's all cleared up

Let's continue

So it originally started when I made a small vent drawing in the server vent chat

(I covered up the pfps for privacy sakes and for my sake)

But basically it's a vent of my holding my pfp at the time and my face being static with the discord pfps of artists I wished to draw like

I had forgotten to put that this vent wasn't me trying to attack anyone and according to Britney this had made people upset

They never told me who got upset so I couldn't personally apologize to those people

But me and Britney sorted it out and I told them to apologize to the people I had upset since Britney never told me who got upset

They said ok

After a bit , I slowly noticed that Tiffany never drew any MM stuff (which I didn't really mind)

But then I noticed she drew a bunch of ship art of Megan's oc with hers

So I nicely tried to ask/suggest ideas for MM art

As you can see I made it clear that they didn't need to if they didn't want to

But she never replied so I just dropped it

And I slowly started getting more depressed cause Tiffany seemed to be ignoring me and the rest of the Britney server

So I asked my friend Amanda if she could help

So she tried to subtly bring up MM

But as you can see

She got ignored aswell

As I slowly got more and more depressed a few other small problems happened (my writing on a magma was removed and a few people moved their drawings a little for me to fit something)

And just when I thought I couldn't be depressed enough

I got a dm during school from Britney saying they kicked me from the server due to my behavior and stuff

Calling me immature, etc

And since we were no longer in the same server, I couldn't dm back an apology, so I asked my friend Amanda to help me

I then made a vent on here, but they forced me to delete it

They also were taking their friends side saying I was trying to force people and guilt trip people into making MM ship art WHEN I CLEARLY DIDN'T

And THEY NEVER LET THE PEOPLE I APPARENTLY HURT THAT I APOLOGIZE AND SO EVERYONE IN THAT SERVER PROBABLY THINKS IM A FUCKING ASS HOLE

And apparently I was making Tiffany uncomfortable with the MM ship??

WHEN LITERALLY THEY NEVER TOLD ME THEY WERE UNCOMFORTABLE AND EVEN WENT ALONG WITH SOME OF MY SHIP IDEAS

AND NOW IM TOO AFRAID TO SPEAK IN ANY SERVER IM IN CAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED

MIND YOU BRITNEY IS AN ADULT HERE AND I WAS 15 AT THE TIME NOW 16

I GOT BULLIED INTO HAVING EVEN WORSE SOCIAL ANXIETY AND NO ONE KNOWS NOR CARES EXCEPT FOR MY FRIEND AMANDA

ALL BECAUSE AN ADULT CHOSE TO SIDE WITH THEIR FRIEND AND NOT FUCKING CARE ABOUT WTF I HAD TO SAY

AND ISTG BRITNEY IF YOU SEE THIS AND TRY AND MAKE ME TAKE THIS DOWN I AM GOING TO FUCKING DO SOMETHING THAT YOU MIGHT REGRET MAKING ME DO

I HATE THIS SO MUCH

IMAGINE GETTING BULLIED BY AN ADULT

THIS IS THE 2ND TIME IVE BEEN BULLIED BY A GROWN ASS PERSON

I AM FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT

I AM TIRED OF THIS I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY BUT I FUCKING CANT

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

hi im in love with literally all your takes and opinions but ESPECIALLY the weird autistic yu being kind of an ass and gaining friends by accident. do you have any other headcanons about him i love this weird dude <3

I absolutely do!! I am a Souji kinnie so I have many opinions on this man and yes I am projecting but (1) I do not care and (2) I do not care.

In the manga (which I have not read yet but I want to) Souji has pretty absentee parents due to their work and he's been forced to move around a lot for them. Imo because of this (+ already being autistic) he's always had a really hard time making friends. He's always been something of a loner, drifting btween people and places without making strong connections because he doesn't know how to form them. By the time of Persona 4 he's kind of accepted his fate of being the odd one out who will float through this town and leave unchanged like he has his entire life.

Only he does make connections this time. Connections that matter. And that's terrifying, because now that Souji isn't alone, now that he knows what belonging feels like, he never wants to lose that again. He never ever wants to go back. Hence his Shadow in episode 26. (I fucking love his Shadow sooo much you don't understand.)

This is a self indulgent one, but I also headcanon that Souji has learned that to keep the fleeting attention of his parents and the people around him, he has to keep up his grades and generally be helpful and accommodating. He values himself on his performance and talents since that's the only way he could receive the attention and love from his parents he wanted so badly. He's not naturally a great student, but he works his ass off to get good grades and do well at school and work and life in general. Basically everything other than socializing and making real connections which he struggles with hardcore because of autism.

Souji has learned from experience that his deadpan statements can be really funny to people, so he leans into that bit of his autism in the hopes it'll get him more acceptance from his peers. It's been hit or miss his whole life since a lot of people are still put off from him and he's started self isolating and stopped actively reaching out, but he knows the deadpan humor usually works better than trying to mask and his friends in Inaba love it and think it makes him charming.

Souji adores children. I think this is obvious considering how many of his social links involve children. In my opinion this is partially him just liking hanging out with kids because they're easier than adults because of his autism, but also is in large part because he remembers feeling abandoned and unloved as a kid and he doesn't want any other kid feeling that way.

Souji is gay. Like, fully homosexual, no interest whatsoever in women. He's known this for a while but he doesn't really know what to do with it since he knows society isn't super cool with it, especially out here in the boonies compared to the city. He's never really cared personally but he starts to care a little once he makes connections and this fact about himself starts to matter. But seeing Kanji start to and struggle to accept himself encourages Souji to accept and embrace that part of himself too, and by the time of the festival he's at the point of "fuck it, I am who I am and people can take it or leave it" and he's confident that if he told his friends they would still accept him.

As for his relationship with Yosuke, I think it's kind of a slow burn thing. He has feelings for Yosuke pretty early on but he doesn't pursue them since he's not really aware of them at first, he just Really Likes his partner and staring at him when he smiles. They are both pining for each other for so long without realizing what's going on because Yosuke's so closeted and Souji's just autistically oblivious of himself.

They both realize what their feelings mean around the same time (when they beat each other up ofc) and Souji is immediately ready to ask Yosuke to be his boyfriend because he's already completely head over heels but he doesn't know if Yosuke is ready for that so he waits for Yosuke to confess first. Which soon enough he does and from that point on they're partners for life.

Souji really, really wants to believe in the goodness of humanity. Like, extremely so. He thinks everyone is redeemable and has a good reason for their actions. So Adachi is completely incomprehensible to him. That's how I read their link in Golden, as Souji desperately wanting to believe that Adachi can be saved and that he has a secret good reason for killing people. Souji wants to understand and save him like he did with his friends. But the truth Souji has to face is that Adachi just sucks. Sometimes people you really liked and connected with just plain old suck. Sometimes people do evil shit for no good reason. Souji really liked Adachi. I think he bought into Adachi's silly act wholeheartedly (because autism) and related to it. So when he finds out Adachi is just an asshole that's really hard for him to accept.

Okay this is way too fucking long but I do think I talked about most of it. Basically, I give Souji a bunch of (my) trauma. Because I love him. Baby boy <3