#and in fairness my colleagues were like: bro that's not whats happening

[booperesque]

clearly shot before the manc lost his license for speeding

[positivelybeastly]

Is it to late to say that the X-Men have essentially lost any humanity they had?

"The X-Men are human, just as much as they are mutant - that's the way it's always been, regardless of how much anti-human sentiment various malefactors may wish to stir up.

The separation between human and mutant is minor, a variation in chromosomes, and to proselytise that the X-Men have lost their humanity is, frankly, offensive.

My name is Henry Philip McCoy, I was born in Illinois in 1986, and I'm just as human as you are, regardless of what I may look like and what I can do."

"Humanity is a babbling, screaming broth of prejudice, violence, lesser intelligences - it's only by the foolish grace of soft hearted mutants that they survive. Divesting ourselves of what made us human was merely a divestment of what made us weak.

Freedom from their irksome, cruel laws; total separation from their squabbling, their illogic, their weakness; the assertion of our genetically assigned right to succeed them as the inheritors of this planet, this is what makes us strong. This is what makes us mutant."

So, like, X-Force Beast is a raving fucking lunatic, and I don't feel it's out of character for him to spout this kind of rhetoric - in his reinvention of himself as the necessary bastard for Krakoa, in his process of becoming a born again, hardline mutant rights 'champion,' I feel like it makes sense that he'd be very aggressive about being seen to be a separatist from humankind. It makes 'sense' from a security viewpoint, and it means less emotional ties to potential vulnerabilities, such as old friends, old colleagues - his parents.

That being said, I also do it because I want to remind everyone that Krakoa is very much a dystopia, no matter how pretty the palm trees are and how idyllic the life seems, and there is some fucked up shit that just crept in there. Every single time I heard a character say, oh, that's so human of you, or some variation on that theme, I wanted to start punching the X-Men in the head because fuck you.

But in a good way, to be fair, like, in the way that you hear an obvious cultist say a culty thing and you're like, wow, bro, you're in a fucking cult, maybe you should un-cult yourself before you wreck yourself.

I also feel like it bears pointing out that a lot of the X-Men did NOT do that - people like Jubilee, for instance, whose kid Shogo is just a straight up human, and I very much fuckin' doubt that Jean-Paul Beaubier got away with that kind of shit in his household. And as time went on, I think a good few of them stopped chugging the Kool-Aid and started to realise, hey, did we just become the baddies?

Like, that's the thrust of why Scott and Jean restart the X-Men proper after the team was disbanded, was that feeling of, we need to go out there and save people because regardless of what people can tell us about who or what we are, every mutant had human family that they cared for or loved at some point. Scott's parents were both human, as were Jean's. Hank's parents were two of the loveliest humans you could ever meet. Even Magneto had Anya Eisenhardt.

Most of the X-Men are still very, very human, regardless of how much they might want to occasionally pretend otherwise - hell, you could even point out that the 'least' human among them, people like Magik, aren't even inhuman because of their mutant gifts necessarily, but because of entirely OTHER things that happened to them to change the way they are (though, granted, in Illyana's case, it was at least partly related to her gifts, but you know what I mean).

If not for the Hellfire Gala Massacre, I'm pretty sure a big contingent of people, led by Scott and Jean, were going to plan a breakaway from the Quiet Council led structure of Krakoa and form a new government, or at least push for a reformation of society that was less. Gross. Which means it'll be interesting to see what bearing those trajectories have on what comes after the Fall of X arc is done.

[shreddedparchment]

A Wife for Thor Pt.24

What She’s Done

05/19/2021

Pairing: King!Thor x Reader         Word Count: 5,590

Warnings: language, angst, fluff, Loki being the best bro, pregnancy problems

A/N: I’m sorry this is so late. I’m not going to explain too much as I want the focus to be on the chapter but I’m feeling better. Hope you all enjoy this one and I hope you can forgive me. haha As always, if you happen to reblog, thanks so much for helping me spread my work! xoxo

Please DO NOT repost my work on any other sites or blogs!

REBLOGS are always welcome!

The sound of the fanfare outside is muted. The heavy doors of the main room are shut.

Thor sits on his large steel, silver, and wooden throne. Normally, your own throne would have been moved into the room so that you could sit beside him. Today however, he wants you standing.

Loki stands on Thor’s left, his hands moving across his tablet at godly speeds. He’s busy. Always busy. While Thor has the final say, Loki sets everything up for him and comes to him with the choices that must be made.

He’s indispensable and both you and Thor know it. So, when the large doors are thrown open and Thor takes his hand off of your lower waist where he’d been massaging the knots away, as Ambassador Coates walks forward, you glare right at him and his judging distrustful look at the sight of Asgard’s Prince.

The music outside, large horns that sound more like a call to battle, slowly die and are completely cut off when the doors are shut. Just outside you know two Valkyrie are standing guard.

Inside, two more regular guards stand at attention.

“Ambassador Coates, I’m glad you saw fit to accept my invitation,” Thor says casually.

One wouldn’t know that Thor is angry. He sounds so welcoming. The charm he’s exuding is one you’ve never seen him use before but Loki doesn’t seem surprised by it. Instead, Loki’s lips seem to curve upwards a little in the teeniest smirk.

The Ambassador does as he’s expected and once he’s near the foot of the raised wooden floor where Thor’s throne sits, he gives a quick bow meeting first Thor’s singular eye and then your own blank gaze.

Keeping your anger in check is easy. You’re able to wipe your face of all emotion and it’s a skill now that you’re glad you learned in the orphanage you’d grown up in. Never letting anyone know how sad or hurt you are was key to your survival.

“Your Majesties,” the ambassador states, the irritation in his voice loud and clear for all of you to hear.

It looks like Thor’s plan to roll out the red carpet as if the ambassador were visiting royalty got his message across clearly.

“I hope I find you in good health? Are you faring well with the pregnancy?”

You don’t answer him. You simply stare.

“We’re well enough,” Thor begins. “Forgive me in my haste to get to the point, Ambassador Coates but as I hear it from my brother, you have been making it very difficult for Her Majesty the Queen of Asgard to meet with you, despite her warnings that what she had to share was imperative to the safety of Earth and human-kind.”

The ambassador blinks. He doesn’t attempt to speak or react in any other way than to show that he’s processing Thor’s words. All signs of irritation at his welcome gone.

“Would you say that is a fair statement for her having sent, what was it? Four emails and three phone calls?” Thor asks Loki.

“Seven emails and four phone calls,” he corrects.

“Right. Seven and four.”

“Your Majesty…”

“I think you have been under the impression that my marriage to my wife has been one in name only. She’s Queen but not really? Right? She has no power or authority? Is that what you think?”

Ambassador Coates swallows hard, sweat beading along his temples. He’s not a stout man. In fact, most women would think him good looking. Nothing to Thor or Loki, but for a human he’s handsome. His sweating in this climate makes no sense unless he’s suddenly stressed.

Maybe you shouldn’t feel bad but you do just a bit. You can’t imagine what he must feel being scrutinized by Thor, yourself, and Loki. Clearly he did something wrong and now he knows it.

“Your Majesties, I-I meant no offense. Unfortunately this is a busy time for myself and my colleagues and-”

“We have no time for your excuses,” Thor sits up straighter and draws his legs a little closer together before he licks his lips and holds his hand out towards you.

Taking it, you watch him get up and then he helps you sit before checking on you, “Better, cherub?”

You nod, looking up at him as he caresses the side of your head.

“The only reason you hold the job that you currently do is because my people and I chose to settle on Earth. You might say you owe it to us. Perhaps you’d still have been employed should we not have come here but from what I understand, your salary is considerably more than what it would have been were you in some other position.

“You are married and have children, too. Don’t you?” Thor asks.

“Y-Yes, Your Majesty.”

“So, it’s important to keep your job. Isn’t it?”

He says nothing, this time simply looking down at Thor’s feet.

“My wife is not just Queen in name but she has been exemplary in her devotion of ruling the people of Asgard at my side with honor and grace. The people love her. I’m not sure what made you think you could slight an Asgardian Queen but let me be clear. If our people should find out that there was such disrespect, believe me when I tell you that the loss of your job would be the last thing you’d have to worry about.”

“And just to be clear,” Loki cuts in as Thor’s taking a breath. “My brother is not threatening you. This is a statement of fact. We Asgardians are fiercely loyal and easily offended.”

You like that Ambassador Coates isn’t glaring at Loki anymore. The fear in his eyes is worrying, but you also know that your husband and brother would do nothing to actually hurt this idiot. They’re just making sure he knows where he stands.

Thor crosses his large arms across his wide chest. Though you don’t think he means it to be intimidating, you can see from the ambassador’s gulp that Thor’s minor flex has great impact.

Gods, he’s huge.

“As it just so happens, aside from being a Queen without fault to this kingdom, the Queen of Asgard has seen fit to continue to perform in her duties as the bridge between our two peoples. She refuses to let us make decisions for the human race and was attempting to contact you to warn you of impending dangers. And you, what was the phrase, love?”

“Blew me off.”

“That’s right, you blew her off. And yet we welcome you with respect and grace.”

“Your Majesties,” the ambassador begins, but Thor holds up his hand and he stops.

“Let this be a lesson in humility for you. I love Earth and for that reason alone, in addition to the fact that this is my wife’s home and now mine, we will forgive this lapse of judgement on your part,” you’ve never heard Thor sound more like a King than in this moment.

It’s also one of those moments where you really want to drag him back to the room and get him naked. He’s never been this attractive.

The ambassador bows his head, taking his punishment with dignity.

“Forgive me, your Majesties,” he begins to say something, but then stops himself.

“Speak your mind, Ambassador Coates,” Loki urges, seeing something you and Thor don’t.

“I merely wish to apologize for my lack of forethought. I was not the only one dismissing Her Majesty the Queen of Asgard but will be sure to rectify the behavior with my colleagues when I return.”

Loki smiles, turning his gentle gaze on you as he realizes that you were right. It wasn’t misogyny. Not on Ambassador Coates’s part. That might not be the case for everyone though.

“Perhaps I should schedule meetings with your colleagues so that we might have a quick talk about the expectations we have for our relationship going forward?”

Loki’s threat is veiled heavily, but Ambassador Coates still picks up on it and his face goes a little pale.

“I don’t think that’s necessary, Your Highness. I will pass along the sentiments, if you will let me.”

There’s a burning satisfaction in your chest. Something about watching Ambassador Coates finally show not just you but Loki the respect he deserves makes you so happy.

“My Queen?” Loki prompts you, looking to you to wait for your reply.

“I think we can give him a chance to express our disappointment for us. He is our ambassador. Isn’t that right Ambassador Coates?”

Coates looks relieved, pressing his hand to his chest as he bows his head to you again.

It’s a strange sensation to see the gratitude on his face and his posture relaxes as a result. You literally just did that. You gave him some forgiveness and it really does make all the difference.

“I will support you and the Asgardian throne with more fervor from here on out, Your Majesty.”

“Cool,” you shrug, reaching to place your hand on the back of Thor’s neck, absolutely beaming at him.

He chuckles and puts his hand back on your waist, giving you a gentle squeeze and shake.

“Are you happy, my cherub?”

You nod, unable to contain the smile that stretches across your lips and you lean into him.

“Good. My job here is done then. Now, I have some things to do,” Thor rises and moves around until he’s facing you and pulls you up into a chaste but loving kiss.

With a caress to your belly, he looks at Loki and nods.

“I’ll leave the rest to you and my Queen, brother.”

“Sif will meet you by the docks,” Loki nods.

“Wonderful. I’ll see you later, love. If you need me, just tell Loki and I will come running.”

“‘Kay,” you smile.

Thor turns back to your guest and moves towards him, clapping his shoulder as he passes, “Do better, Ambassador Coates. Do better.”

All three of you watch Thor strut for the large front doors. The guard opens it for him and when he’s out of sight, the doors shutting behind him, you move to take your seat on the throne. Loki scoots a little closer to your side but stands with his tablet ready.

“Now, I think we should get down to the reason I wanted to meet with you,” you start and Ambassador Coates stands a little straighter. “But...I don’t know about you but this whole towering over you sitting on a throne thing is not really my style and feels a little forced. Let’s go to my sitting room.”

Loki smirks as Ambassador Coates relaxes a little more and even smiles, “Yes, Your Majesty.”

As the three of you walk up the steps to the right of the throne room to climb up to the small sitting room that had been set aside for you and your private entertaining, you steal a few glances at Ambassador Coates.

He still looks a little rattled and you stroke your stomach, the long silk dress you’re wearing, ruffled skirt and loose waist giving it a soft flowing quality is still noticeable and Ambassador Coates steals a few glances.

“Didn’t think I was really pregnant?”

He blanches, “What? N-No, Your Majesty! I had no reason to doubt you.”

“It’s okay. A lot of people didn’t believe it until I came back from my little vacation. I just wanted to make sure that it would take. We’re all so dependent on this little one and a lot is riding on my having Thor’s heir quickly.”

“No one who has seen you rule since your marriage would doubt your commitment to this union, Y/N,” Loki assures you gently.

He’s your number one supporter and you’re so damn grateful for him.

All three of you fall into silence but with your heavy belly and your slow walk, it stretches on.

“I’m sorry about Thor’s enthusiasm to put you in your place,” you give Coates a small apologetic smile but he quickly shakes his head. “He can be a little passionate.”

“No, Your Majesty, the mistake was mine. I should have paid you the respect you deserved. It’s-You work in an environment for too long and you begin to adopt certain behaviors that you should know aren’t acceptable but when everyone is doing it and-I was wrong. I can’t blame Thor for setting me straight.”

“Thank you, for understanding,” you shrug.

“Thank you for not holding it against me and letting me do better.”

It takes only another few minutes to reach the sitting room and you make a beeline for the small loveseat before dropping into it and leaning back against the soft plush cushions.

“Whew, I probably should have done my research on how pregnancy would affect all aspects of my life before agreeing to it,” a joke and Coates gets it because he looks respectfully amused.

Loki scoffs, “With Thor, I doubt you’d have had much choice in the matter. He is also believed to be a God of fertility, you know?”

“Loki!”

The small shock on your face really makes Coates laugh this time and your neck, ears, and cheeks burn.

Not wanting to drag this meeting out for a long time you clear your throat and Loki sits down on the armchair beside you opposite Coates’s own seat.

“I should really be more formal, but I’m not kidding when I tell you that this pregnancy is taking a toll on me.”

“Think nothing of it, Your Majesty,” Coates assures you.

“I’m not sure what you’ll be able to do with this information and maybe it’ll be best if, with your help, you can get a meeting in front of both the United Nations and NATO scheduled for me to speak to them directly.

“Thor and Loki would be there with me, of course, but it was my idea to even bring this to your attention.”

“I will be of any assistance that I can be,” Coates nods, face serious and attentive.

“We wanted to wait until we had more concrete information to give Earth’s leaders but our Queen is adamant that an early warning is better than detailed information,” Loki explains.

“Is the Earth in danger?” Coates asks, worried now.

“Sort of,” you nod. “Truth is, we don’t know. What we do know is that there’s an energy signature that we’ve been monitoring for months. Almost my entire first year of marriage. What we do know is that the energy signal was strong enough to bring Doctor Foster here to look for an explanation and my brother-in-law has kept his eye on it too. It’s familiar to him and not unthreatening so we’ve been preparing watch stations across the globe. We have one in North and South America, Australia, almost every continent so that we won’t miss any kind of danger that comes falling from the sky.

“We don’t want a repeat of New York,” you look at Loki and Coates looks at him too but neither of you have any kind of judgement in your expressions.

Maybe a little for Coates, but he quickly turns his gaze back on you.

“I wanted to give the people of Earth time to prepare for that kind of attack. The Avengers are already on the case and have been helping build up a defense but they can only do so much. Their focus is going to be on the bigger fight if it comes to that. I want to give us a fighting chance on the ground where regular people are often the ones to get hurt and suffer from big threats like this.

“I don’t want the casualties to look like they have in the past when something or someone threatens us. So, I just want to give world leaders a briefing on what we’ve found, what we’ve built in defense, and give them the resources to keep track of what we’re keeping track of.

“We’re at a unique advantage with not only Asgard’s knowledge, technology, and resources. We’re still a growing nation and what we do have is lots of strength. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and while the Valkyrie have to stay here to protect my family, we have a sizable guard that can be split into a few regiments to send out to the places that will need it most and still have enough forces to protect New Asgard.”

Coates is thinking hard, then his hand dives into his pocket and he pulls out his phone, “I’ll start making calls and can probably have something set up the day after tomorrow. If the threat is serious enough to make you worry about us humans this much, I think the sooner the better.”

“It is serious enough,” Loki assures him. “Even if it turns into nothing, we would all rather have done everything we could to minimize damage to both the humans of Earth and New Asgard.”

“Then I’ll get started. Is there any kind of data that I should see in order to convince my bosses?”

You look to Loki and reach out, placing your hand on his arm, “Loki, take Ambassador Coates down to the dungeon and let him get a look at anything we’ve gathered in the monitoring station. You’ll forgive me for not coming with you, Ambassador Coates? I really can’t stand walking around much longer today.”

“Of course, please do not mind me,” he assures you, giving you a small bow.

“Shall I have your lunch brought in here?” Loki asks.

“Please?”

He nods and with a gesture at Ambassador Coates, leads the way to the door.

“When you’ve made any significant progress, I will be in here. Can you come and let me know?”

Coates nods, the phone now pressed to his ear, “As soon as I know something, Your Majesty.”

They leave you in an appropriate rush and you relax against the cushions of your sofa feeling like a small burden’s been lifting off your shoulders.

You’ve done your part now. You’ve warned your Ambassador, now it’s his job to convince his higher-ups and hopefully they listen.

Estrid does eventually come with your lunch and you eat slowly, thinking through your options for Coates and the rest of the governments of the world. Splitting the Asgardian army up isn’t ideal, but they pack a punch. Even just a handful of soldiers in a city would make a difference.

You finish eating and you finish your tea. You get up to walk a little around the sitting room but as the afternoon wears on, you start to feel suffocated inside and Estrid happily goes with you down to your gardens.

Most of your plants have been well taken care of.

“His Majesty made sure that we kept all of your plants healthy for you,” Estrid informs you, moving to walk a few steps behind you as you walk around with a small watering can.

His consideration brings a smile to your lips.

Thor really can be so sweet. So loving. You hate that some of the time from your first year was stolen by what happened with Jane, but it couldn’t be helped. He had to discover what it would mean to lose you and you had to learn that depending on yourself is still just as important married as it was when you had no one.

Maybe it’s even more important now? You can get lost in your relationship with Thor and while that’s super tempting, to have your world start and end with Thor and your married life together, you are still your own person.

You have goals for your career and shared dreams with him too. You’ve got your hobbies and Thor has his. Both of you needed the distance.

Despite that, even though you know that the space was good for both of you, even if it hurt like hell to get it the way you two did, you’re actually really happy to be back home.

As you reach over to water one of your taller butterfly bushes, you gasp and pull your arm back against your body as a small sharp pain rocks your senses and blinds your vision for a split second.

“Your Majesty?” Estrid hurries forward.

“I’m fine, Estrid,” you assure her, waiting another second to see if the pain will come back.

Reaching down you rub the spot on your tummy where you’d felt it and wonder if maybe the baby is just kicking especially hard today.

“Shall I fetch the doctors?”

“No, really. I’m fine, Estrid.”

You move to the next plant and water a few more as you head towards the small greenhouse with the Asgardian plants you’re still trying to perfect the care for but as you reach for the door, you double over as a shooting pain stretches across the same side as before then moves down onto the base of your belly.

The watering can falls from your hand as you reach out to brace yourself against the door and hits the floor with a clunk as the water goes all over your flats, soaking your feet.

“Your Majesty!”

Estrid races to you, hands placed on your back and arm to support you as she looks to steal a glance at your face.

With your eyes shut tight, you groan and whimper as the pain just gets sharper.

“Estrid…” it takes a moment to catch your breath. “Get the doctors.”

“Guard!” Estrid calls, forcing you to let go of the door so that she can lead you to a bench. “Guard, send for the doctor!”

“Thor,” you whimper, sitting slowly and gasping as the pain intensifies. “Get Thor.”

“I’ll send for him, my Queen,” Estrid assures you and now that you’re seated, she leaves you to run and hurry the guard.

“What’s wrong?”

“Loki?” you call breathlessly, searching for his face for the comfort you know it’ll give you to have him close.

“Here,” he calls out for you and hurries around the corner. “I’m here. What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

He hovers over you, leaning over, his hands carefully pressed to your cheek and the other on your stomach.

“It hurts,” you sob without tears, “Loki…”

“It’s alright,” he promises. “You and my nephew will be fine. Come on, put your arm around my neck.”

His certainty does help and you get your arm around him. With ease he squats down and lifts you into his arms and with you moves back into the palace.

~~~~~~~~~~

It feels like a long time when you open your eyes again. You’re dizzy a little and weak. Your body feels heavy and it’s a struggle to sit up.

Looking around, you realize you’re in your bedroom alone. The sky outside is dark and the room is dim with only the fireplace lit to cast a warm orange glow around the dark room.

“Loki?” you try, remembering him carrying you when he found you in the garden.

No movement.

“Thor? Estrid?” You’d sent her to get the doctors and to get Thor. Had the doctors come?

Thor’s favorite armchair is placed by your bed, angled towards you so he must have been in here sitting by you waiting for you to wake up.

With a heavy sigh, you realize that he must have been out of his mind with worry when he heard what happened. Is the baby okay?

You put your hands on your tummy and wait for movement. He does wiggle around a little. Normal for you and him and that makes you feel better about the pain that had come out of nowhere.

It takes you too long to get up and out of bed. You’re in your nightgown, a long simple piece with modern touches but it’s also very similar to some of the long flowing white ones you remember seeing in history books.

Taking extra time to stretch up onto your feet just in case the pain comes back, you breathe a sigh of relief when you take your first step and find that you’re okay.

“Oh, baby,” you reach down and rub the sides of your bump. “You scared me, rascal.”

You know that you should probably stay still. Staying in bed is probably what your Doctors suggested but the empty chair has you worried about Thor and what state he might be in.

So instead of staying where you should, you open your bedroom door and step out into the hallway.

The spots to either side where there’s usually a guard are empty.

You look up towards the other end of the hall and see that the two soldiers have moved to stand at the center of the hall, shoulders tense and obviously distracted. Further down, at what you think they must be staring at is a grouping of palace staff. People you recognize. Estrid stands among them, frowning at the small crack in the door through which pours a line of bright white light from the sitting room you share with Thor.

Did something happen?

As you pass the two guards the jump and hurry back to the sides of your bedroom door where they belong. Their flurry of movement must have drawn the attention of the others standing by the door. They also seem to jump, look shamed and worried, before they move away from the door and head in all different directions to get back to work.

One of the maids that passes you curtsies before she scurries off stealing a look of regret at you.

Estrid stands rigid, hands clasped to her front before she steps back a bit to give you room.

“What is it, Estrid?”

She doesn’t say anything. She looks upset, her lips fixed into a severe line, eyes full of anger as she shakes her head.

“Where’s Loki? Thor?” you check, stopping by her and she only looks at the door.

You can hear muted voices from inside and your heart begins to pound.

Is it the doctors? Are Thor and Loki getting bad news? The baby was just moving though!

Your baby has to be okay. Healthy even. Nothing was wrong before you came back home.

Clinging to your bump, you move towards the crack in the door and with the breath leaving your lungs in fear of what you’ll overhear you just go ahead and push the door open because eavesdropping hasn’t served you well in the past.

If something needs to be said, you want to hear it without hiding.

Of course, what you aren’t expecting to find is Loki facing you by the long sofa where Thor usually lounges, resting his head on your lap. Behind Loki, what must have given him that frustrated look on his face is Thor, Jane clinging to his arm as she finishes speaking the thought you just interrupted as they all turn to look at you.

“-can’t help it. I love you. I-”

The absolute fury that engulfs you is indescribable.

For one year-long second, you inhale and a million thoughts cross your mind. The one you grasp onto, in favor of the ones involving murder and hurt and violence, is the one of your baby.

This kind of anger is bad for him. You can’t let it consume you. Not when you need to stay good for him.

Loki looks down at his feet, disappointment and shame overcoming his pale, handsome features.

Thor quickly jerks his hand out of Jane’s grip and moves towards you but stops when you speak only a few feet away.

“Jane?”

She swallows hard, then frowns, “I only came to warn Thor that the readings have gotten stronger. I-”

“I don’t care why you’re here. I only care that you are here. You aren’t welcome in my house, near my husband, or on any piece of land in this Kingdom,” you take a step towards them and stop as you stroke your belly to remind you to keep calm. “I want you gone. Out of my home, away from my people, and if you trespass here again, I’ll have you thrown in jail. You aren’t welcome in New Asgard.”

“You can’t ban me from an entire Kingdom,” she argues, moving forward towards you.

“Try me,” you warn. “Out of respect for what you meant to Thor in the past, I’ve kept your name clean. I haven’t told anyone what you tried to do here, but here you are trying again. Now either you want me to trash you, or you seriously can’t take a hint.

“We don’t want you here.”

“Thor invited me himself, if he didn’t want me here, why would he do that?”

You grind your teeth, again stroking your tummy, “You’re right. I don’t know why my husband would invite you here when I have made it very clear that you aren’t welcome. Whatever the reason, he and I will discuss it together, because we’re married. Husband and wife. Until the day I die, at least, since he’ll outlive me by two thousand years.

“And whatever you two had in the past is gone. So, get out or I’ll have you thrown out.”

She opens her mouth to argue and you take two steps towards her, “I might be pregnant, but I can still do plenty of damage in the minute that it’ll take Thor and Loki to pull me off of you. Please, say something. Please, please I beg you. Give me an excuse. I have a really bad temper and I am dying to express myself. Please.”

Jane turns towards Thor, waiting for some kind of rebuttal from him but he’s got his eyes trained on you and you alone. The shame on his face, the agony of what you finding them all here might mean is not lost on him.

When he doesn’t say anything, Loki clears his throat, “I think it’s time to go, Jane.”

His urging helps and with a look of hurt and disbelief, she tears her eyes off of Thor and stomps out past you.

You watch her go, Estrid scurrying after her to lead her out the back instead of the front where she might be spotted.

“Loki?”

He turns to you, waiting.

“I don’t want anyone to know she was here. Anyone other than the group of palace staff that was standing by the door fucking listening to what was being said in here. Can you get Heimdall and send her home that way?”

“I’m on it,” he assures you and hurries past you, disappearing into the palace.

“I-” Thor begins.

“Don’t!”

He shuts his mouth.

“Not here.”

Turning, you lead the way back to the bedroom and the guard opens the door for you, Thor following closely behind.

As the door shuts you don’t stop until you’re sitting on your bed, hands stroking your belly as you shut your eyes and try to calm yourself.

“I asked you for one thing. One thing, Thor. I asked you not to make a fool of me. Seven people from our staff were listening to you and Jane. Seven! By tomorrow that’ll be twenty and by the weekend the tabloids will have picked up on the story.”

“I’m sorry,” he starts but you growl in frustration.

“I stood in front of our people and told them that Jane Foster was not welcome in our Kingdom and you walked her right in! I-I can’t do this. I can’t do this right now.”

You get up and point at the large doors.

“I need you to get out. I need space and I don’t care why you let her in. I don’t care why you’d make me look like such a stupid fucking joke I only know that you did and I’m done. I need you out. Don’t come looking for me. When I’m ready, if I’m ever ready to talk to you again, I’ll find you. Until then, leave me alone.”

“Cherub-”

“NO! You don’t get to do this shit, Thor-You don’t get to undermine me and bring that woman back into our lives and still get to explain yourself after she lied to you about being pregnant, and making a mockery of our marriage. You don’t get a say. You get out of my room, you keep away from me, you wait until I’m ready to hear you. Until I’m not angry anymore. Until I’m not hurting anymore.

“I don’t understand what it is about this woman that you just-can’t you see what she is? What she’s done? Don’t you understand why she can’t be here? Don’t you get-You know what? Just get out. I don’t care. I don’t care if you get it or not. Get out.”

“Y/N, please, I-”

“GET OUT!”

The silence that follows your outburst is interrupted only by the crackling of the fire. In the dim light, Thor’s face is grave and broken. You can’t feel bad for him though.

As much as you love him, as much as you wish this hadn’t just happened, as much as you hate to see him hurt, you can’t ignore the pain in your own chest, drowning you again in betrayal.

This is why you’d wanted to keep your distance. This agony is why you’d wanted to keep him at arm’s length.

This is why you can only depend on yourself.

Eventually, Thor bows his head and with heavy feet, he leaves your room shutting the door behind him leaving you to sob and throw pillows in anger.

[staywritten]

A Love That Lasts│Bang Chan│II

A Love That Lasts │ Chapter II

Synopsis: You’ve spent the last two years, helping your very handsome next door neighbor raise his adorable daughter. The two of you fell into a routine before you knew it. And now you had this little family. You couldn’t help but fall for him. 

Genre: Parent!Au, Dad!Bang Chan, Fluff, Nonidol!Au, smut in a later chapter

Word Count: 2303

Part I

Felix opened the door to Chan’s apartment, heading straight for the fridge “G’day Channie-Hyung” he grabbed the orange juice, helping himself to a glass.

Chan sighed looking back to his computer “You do know this is breaking and entering right?”

“Hey, you’re the single dad, not locking his door here, who’s really at fault?” He scoffed, tossing back his juice. “Anyway, how’s my favorite niece?”

“Fair” Chan closed his laptop before joining Felix in the kitchen. “And your only niece is fine, just changing her outfit for the umpteenth time this morning.” his eyes narrowed “I feel like it’s for a boy and I wanna fight him already”

“Chan relax he’s five” he chuckled. “Besides you can’t deprive Minseo of dating the way you deprive yourself.”

“I’m not deprived. I just haven’t found anyone” he grumbled to himself.

“You’re not looking either, come on let me set you up on a date” he groaned “You know my coworkers are always asking about you. You know Yeji right? Any time you stop by my shoots she always tries to get me to give her your number” 

“I don’t need to date, I’m content really.” He chuckled lightly. “Besides Felix I’m a dad, I’m sure some twenty-year-old model isn’t trying to date me”

“Ok, first off you’re hot so please give yourself more credit and secondly, I’ll lay off but it’s been like five years since Minseo’s mom... you telling me you don’t have any needs? You don’t get lonely? Or even want Minseo to have a mom? I’m not saying going on a date is gonna change all that but, don’t close the door to it”

“Felix please-”

“Fine, fine. But tell me does this have anything to do with a certain sexy doctor next door? Are you two finally…?” he waved his hands around in the air vaguely while wiggling his eyebrows. 

“No! She’s my friend. My very beautiful and caring friend. But a friend”

“First of all, if she's only a friend, you wouldn’t have had to say it that many times, sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself of that. Secondly, it’s been like two years, You seriously not gonna make a move? You two are practically married, do you realize that right?”

“We are not! She’s just my frien-neighbor, occasionally she helps out with Minseo just like you, Jisung, and Changbin.”

“You guys eat dinner together like every night” he crossed his arms over his chest, looking at him in disbelief.

“She lives alone, and she said it’s no trouble cooking for two more.” he sighed. “I know what you’re thinking, our relationship isn’t conventional but it’s completely platonic. Stop looking at me like that Felix. I can have platonic feelings and recognize that she’s hot”

The door swung open as you popped in. Your smile instantly brightening the room. “Hey, Felix! It’s been a while” you wave before shouting down the hallway “Minseo! Baby let’s go, I’m dropping you off today”

Chan turned to you and smiled, meeting you near the door “Thanks for taking her today”

“It’s no problem, good luck at work today, oh and remember to pick up dinner on your way back. I already placed an order for tonight”  you smiled, absently adjusting his button up, smoothing down the collar. “There, now you look ready for a meeting” 

“I got it, I got it” he smiled shyly. “Thank you” His eyes twinkling meeting yours. He reached for your hand, giving it a warm squeeze. “Seriously, thank you for everything”

There was something about how he was looking at you that just made you feel so shy, before you could say anything you heard Minseo running down the hallway, her little feet padding against the wood floor. ‘I’m reaaaaadddddy!” She came barreling out, backpack bouncing as she hugged Chan and gave him a kiss “ByeBye Daddy, byebye Uncle Felix” You held her hand, before kissing Chan on the cheek and walking her out, giving them a final wave. 

“See you tonight Chris”

Chan knew he was done for the minute you pressed your lips against his cheek, and his first reaction was to try and chase your lips. It was the subtlest of moves, but he caught himself. Hoping that Felix hadn’t noticed. He closed the door after watching you two disappear down the stairs, only to be met with Felix’s judgmental stares. 

“Mate, are you kidding me?”

“I… that was pretty domestic wasn’t it?” he raised his brow nervously. 

“It felt like a damn sitcom, I mean it was cute as hell but still”

“Ok, ok set up your little blind date, I’ll go” he groaned. 

“You sure man? Like you two are really cute, you could just ask her out”

“I can’t man...it feels like I’m taking advantage of her...I don’t want her to date me out of a weird obligation she has for Minseo...and like...what if I mess it up?”

“Bro, I don’t understand how your self-esteem got this low but I’ll handle setting up your blind date. I’ll even babysit Minseo for you”

“Thanks, Man”

You walked into your office, placing your bag on your desk. Traffic was pretty light, and Minseo’s school brought you closer to the highway so you made excellent time. “Good Morning Dr. Lee~” you smiled as you looked over your patient files for the day, seeing your colleague walk in. 

Minho gave you a knowing smile “You sure look chipper today. Did you finally make a move on your hot neighbor”

You groaned covering the rising heat on your face. “Ugh please don’t remind me, I’m mortified. This morning I went to his place to pick up his daughter and bring her to school”

“Ugh you guys are sickening, that’s so cute” Minho rolled his eyes, sipping his coffee. “What happened? You jump his bones?”

“You’re disgusting” you scoffed before sinking in your seat. “He was just so cute, and he had a meeting this morning so he was all dressed up and like, I dunno I couldn’t help it. I was fixing his shirt, and like leaned in and kissed his cheek and ugh” you squealed hiding in your arms. 

“Oh my god, this is like foreplay for you isn’t it? You’re so touch starved, that really got you this worked up”

“Oh shut it Minho” you pouted. “He’s just so cute…”

“So when’s the wedding?”

“At this rate, Minseo is gonna get married before me” you sighed.

“Who’s fault is that? You’re attracted to him, you love his daughter, she loves you. You guys are literally a family. What’s stopping you from dating him?”

“I just don’t want to ruin this…”

“Ruin what? Your relationship? Why do you feel like you guys are gonna fail? Don’t you think it’ll be harder for Minseo to have to adjust to another woman in her life aside from you? She’s known you for half her life, as far as she’s concerned you’re family.” he sighed. “Think about it, you’re trying to avoid awkwardness from failing at a relationship because you don’t wanna lose what you have, but if Chan finds someone else and she is perfect for him you’re gonna lose Minseo and him because what woman is gonna want you around?”

Your eyes widened as his words sank in. He had a point, you were fighting to keep what you could untouched for as long as possible, but there was a chance that someone could take them from you and it broke your heart. 

“I’m not trying to scare you...But just maybe talk to him and see if the attraction was mutual”

His words were in the back of your mind all day, any moment you weren’t throwing into your work or patients it was lingering. Did you really stand a chance with him? Could there be a future? 

“If it isn’t my favorite Doctor” a low voice called out of your thoughts, making you look away from the charts. 

“Oh Hey, Dr. Kim” you gave him a cordial smile. 

“I told you to call me Woojin” he gave you that toothy smile, taking a seat on your desk. “How’s your day going?”

“Steady, it’d be even better if my nurse could finish his rounds” you called out a little louder seeing nurse Hyunjin going for yet another cup of coffee outside your office.

“I’m on it” he chimed.

Woojin chuckled before clearing his throat. “So...tonight me and a bunch of the guys are going drinking.”

“The guys?” you raised a brow. 

“Seungmin from pediatrics, Minho from ER, Jihyo and Naeyeon from neuro, a few of the nurses.” he smiled “You wanna come? It’ll be at the pub down the road.”

“Thank you for the invite but I’m busy after work”

“Can’t it wait?”

“I’m picking up a little girl from school. I’m not gonna make her wait” you gave him a forced smile, not liking to defend yourself. 

“Sorry” he raised his hands in defeat. “It won’t be until later, like 11pm since Minho doesn’t get off until then so...if you find yourself with the time swing by.” he smiled “I’ve worked with you for years but I feel like I barely know you.”

“And your way of getting to know me, is at a loud bar with all our co-workers?”

He laughed “You have a point. Maybe we can do coffee sometime.” he pat your desk before heading out. “I’ll text you the address for tonight just in case.”

“Later” you waived, shaking your head. 

After work you grabbed Minseo from school, and she told you every single thing about her day and how her teacher Mr. Yang complimented her dress and all the new hairstyles she wanted to try. Once you got her home and washed up the two of you winded down with some tv as you practiced making her the perfect pigtails for school tomorrow. 

It took the entire day but you finally built up the courage to talk to Chan about your feelings, and possibly address this obvious attraction. You figured you weren’t gonna jump right into Hey, lets date. But somewhere along the lines of. You feel this too, right?

“I’m home” Chan chimed, setting his laptop down just in time to catch his daughter running at full force into his arms. “Hey Baby” he showered her with kisses. “I missed you!”

“How much?” she giggled between his kisses 

“To the moon and back!” he spun her playfully, laughing with her as she giggled. He gave you a tired smile “I even remembered to pick up dinner”

“Perfect”, I was starting to worry since you were late” you smiled helping him unpack it as he had his hands busy with his daughter. Looking over at his stuff, your brows furrowed at the clothing store shopping bag “You did some shopping on your way home?”

“...I did” he faltered, setting Minseo down so she could grab her ribbon from school. He rubbed his neck nervously. “Felix set me up on a blind date tomorrow, and I didn’t have anything appropriate to wear. He thinks I’m out of touch, so he helped me find something”

“Oh…” you almost hated yourself for how obviously disappointed you sound. “Anyone I know?” you practically slammed the container down, trying to figure out what to do with this surging uncomfortable feeling.

“No... Um she’s one of Felix’s model coworkers...” his voice small, all of his nerve dissipating seeing your shift in mood.

You were never one to hide your feelings. You wore your heart on your sleeve. Deceiving people was not one of your strong points. Your eyes shifted down before you forced a laugh. “Wow, a model...that’s nice. I’m sure you’ll look great in what Felix picked out” you unpacked the dinner quicker, clearing your throat to try to ignore the rising tension. 

Chan just stood there, fiddling with his watch, rocking on the heels of his food. Each tick of the second hand on the clock, acting almost like a constant reminder of how awkward it felt. 

“...Did you need a babysitter for tomorrow?” you finally asked after the suffocating silence.

“No...Felix is gonna watch her…” Chan fiddled with his fingers awkwardly. The mood between you two fell instantly, and suddenly he regretted this whole blind date thing. Was it presumptuous to assume you were upset because of him? “I...are you ok…?”

Are you ok? What kind of question is that anyway? It always prompted such a negative response from you. If you had to ask someone if they were ok, that meant they very obviously seemed bothered. And yet there it is slapping you in the face alongside the only acceptable answer to follow up the question with because of social niceties. “I’m fine.” you gave him a bright, tight-lipped smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes. “I...I’m just starving” you tried to blink away the tears that threatened to fall. 

Minseo came out of her room holding her ribbon “This is what Mr. Yang gave me today he said I had the best outfit because it was a blue day and we learned about everything blue and my dress was blue” she beamed. 

“Beautiful Baby, I’m so proud of you” Chan picked her up “You ready for dinner?”

“I’m so ready!” 

Chan sat her down in the chair and looked back toward you. “You ready to eat?”

And there was something about seeing Minseo’s face that just broke you. She frowned seeing your face. Your eyes were glazed over but you were smiling. But it wasn’t like your warm and bright smile she loved. You looked so sad.

She was always so sensitive to her surroundings, Kids were licked that, they could tell when you were sad, and they weren’t afraid to ask questions. And you couldn’t bring yourself to keep up the act in front of her. “Um actually. I just remembered” you laughed “I had a dinner thing tonight with my co-workers, a bunch of stressed doctors drinking tonight at the pub” you clapped your hands “Honestly I’m such a clutz, how could I forget?”

“But you just said you were hungry…” Chan frowned watching you gather your things. “You don’t have time to eat even a little?”

“I don’t. I forgot I have to dress up for this” you smiled, doing everything in your power to avoid looking at him. 

“You’re not eating dinner with us?” Minseo frowned.

“I’m sorry Baby…” you smoothed down her hair not wanting her to feel sad. “I forgot I had to do a work thing...But I’ll tell you what, I’ll stop by tomorrow after I get off of work to tell you a story.”

“Promise?”

“Promise” you wrapped your pinky around hers before pressing your thumb against hers. 

As you walked out, mumbling a small goodbye to Chan he grabbed your arm. His body moving before he could think, just hating this awkward feeling between you two. “Hey seriously...are you ok…?”

“I’m fine.” you gave him a weak smile.

And he didn’t have it in him to fight you on it. Like it wasn’t his place, because after all, you were just neighbors. 

You returned to your apartment and it suddenly felt far too big and far too empty for you. Sighing and slumping against your door. Of course, he’d start dating eventually... It just really sucked that he wanted to start the moment you realized that maybe you stood a chance to date him. 

And it wasn’t your place to tell him to not go. What were you even supposed to say? Hey, I know you’ve been completely platonic friends for the past two years but, hey I really like you sorry I waited for you to literally have a date before I told you? You wiped away the stray tears that fell down your cheek. 

Would it have been better if Minho never made you come to terms with your feelings? Perhaps, but a part of you knew that you would have been heartbroken regardless. All you could do now is to pick up the pieces and cherish what’s left of the time you had with Chan and Minseo. 

To be continued… 

▶Chapter III

I’m sorrryyyyyy 

this chapter went on a little longer than I planned so my series went from a 3 parter to 5 parter but don’t worry it’ll be uploaded quickly

<3

Let me know if you want me to tag you :3

[puckinghell]

The Plus One Pact | William Nylander | Part 2

Summary: Your ex is getting married, and you don’t have a date, which means the unavoidable “why don’t you have a boyfriend” question is about to haunt you for the rest of eternity. But then there’s Will, who could be the answer to all your problems. A simple business pact, no feelings involved: that won’t be hard for you, because you really don’t like him anyways. Except pacts were made to be broken… or something. Right?

Note: This is part 2. Click here for part 1. 

-- 

“I’m sorry I bailed.” Zach is sitting on the couch, his leg up on a pillow. Lady is laying on the floor, and both of them are looking equally guilty.

You think maybe Lady puked in Zach’s shoes somewhere again, and maybe he kinda deserved it.

“I hate you,” you tell him, but there’s no heat behind it. Alannah comes out the bedroom holding a pair of shoes.

“See if these fit you,” she orders, giving them to you.

“I like your wife more than you,” you say to Zach, who just laughs. He knows that’s not true: you love them equally.

You may love Lady a little more than both of them combined, however.

“I think it’s good that you’re going with Willy,” Zach says. “You can practice looking like you don’t hate him.” He holds out your cup of coffee, and you take a sip before handing it back to him.

If he’s not going to this wedding with you, he might as well hold your drink.

“I don’t hate him,” you mumble. “I just don’t adore him like you do. You worship the ground he walks on.”

“I think you’d get along great, if you tried,” Alannah says, although you can’t remember asking for her opinion – fine, maybe you’re a little grumpy about it all. “He’s very funny, and he’s easy to chat to. Your family will love that.” She grins. “Besides, he’s hot.”

“Very hot,” Zach nods in agreement, and it would be weird if it wasn’t how everyone responded to William Nylander.

It’s exhausting, to be honest.

Zach, being the great friend that he often is, must notice your reluctance, because he smiles, and his voice is gentle when he says: “Hey, you look beautiful, Y/N. Honestly, nobody is gonna believe that you brought Willy, you’re way outta his league.”

You’re about to tell him to stop lying – you’re not stupid, thank you very much, and William Nylander is still very much not in your league, maybe not even in the same sport - when there’s a knock on the door.

“Must be him.” Alannah fixes your hair and your dress, and Zach gets up and hobbles towards the door, Lady on his heels.

“It’s gonna go great,” she whispers with a wink, and you wonder if you look that nervous, or if your friends just know you very well.

It’s just…

Fine, normally you don’t like Will, but you can stand him for an hour or two. Especially because you’re never alone with him, so you just plaster yourself to Zach’s side, or Mitchy’s, or Dermie’s, or…

Well, anyone, really.

But now you are alone with him, and for multiple hours at that, and you’re going to have to convince your boss and your colleagues that he’s your plus one.

How on earth are they ever going to believe you? Worse, what if someone recognizes him?

“Wow, you look great.”

You turn around to see Will staring at you, a genuine smile tugging at his lips. He’s cleaned up nice, to be fair; his grey suit fits just right, hugging his muscles in all the right places, and you can tell he’s actually put effort in his hair today.

“Already told her she’s out of your league, buddy,” Zach jokes, slapping Will on the shoulder the way bro’s do, sometimes, and then there’s some pleasantries exchanged and Alannah fixes your lipstick and then suddenly you’re in Will’s car.

It’s a nice car, but it’s not overly posh or flashy, and it surprised you a little. With Will’s ridiculous clothing choices something – Balenciaga socks, really? – you’d expected him to have some sorta matched car to Mitchy’s stupid sports car.

“You look like I’m putting you in a tractor,” Will laughs, as he starts the car. You must’ve been looking around a little dazed, and you feel your cheeks heat up at the notion that you’ve been caught.

“Sorry,” you say. Then, because you wanna start this day off on the right note: “It’s a nice car, just not what I expected from you.”

Will hums. “Usually when people say that, it’s not a compliment.”

But he doesn’t say it in a malicious way, just very matter of factly, so you don’t bother to defend yourself – he’s kinda right, after all – and just listen to the music that he puts on.

“Country?” you feel yourself smile. “Where’s the ABBA?”

“I was born in Calgary,” Will rolls his eyes in a playful way, then turns up the music.

It’s not until you’re almost there that Will speaks.

“So, how do you wanna do this?”

For a second, you wonder what he’s talking about; you were lost in the music and staring out the window at the beautiful scenery surrounding you. Your boss is getting married in an old, beautiful mansion somewhere in the countryside, and you’re surrounded by green fields and scenic streams.

“Oh, I thought we’d just go in and like, see what happens. We’re only gonna go to the reception, not the ceremony, so it should be good. Drinks and food and music, and stuff.”

“I meant more in regards to the fake dating stuff.”

“Oh.” Now your cheeks are truly flaming. “I mean, I guess I could just introduce you as my plus one and they’ll assume we’re dating?”

Then, - and you have no idea where this came from - you add: “We could try to look flirty, so it makes more sense.”

Willy nods in agreement. “You’re a smart one.” When you snort in response, he raises an eyebrow. “What, I can’t say that?”

“No, you can.” You decide to tell him the truth. “It’s just funny cause the one thing I never liked about Noah was that he would always compliment me on my appearance when I was dressed up or whatever, but he would never compliment me on any accomplishments or my characteristics or just, anything other than my body, basically.” You look out of the window. “I’ve been thinking a lot about him because of this wedding stuff, and I guess it’s just one of those things that tells me it was never meant to be.”

It stays quiet in the driver’s seat, and when you glance up at Will he’s frowning.

“Literally everything you’ve said about this guy makes me want to punch him in the nose,” he finally says, and there’s an edge to his voice. “You deserve so much better, Y/N, and…” He cuts himself off, settles on; “He just sounds like a dick.”

You must be staring at Will like he grew a second head, because that’s not what your… acquintanceship, has ever been like. You’re not even really friends, and Will has never said anything to you that wasn’t a mere observation – “nice restaurant” – a question about logistics – “did you wanna hop in this Uber or are you going to ride with Matts?” – or, well, a chirp.

But he seems genuinely offended on your behalf and you have to admit it warms your heart a little.

Maybe, just maybe, you kinda see why Zach likes him. This type of loyal, fierce protectiveness reminds you of your best friend a lot. Maybe Will isn’t so bad.

“We’re there,” Will says then, and the mansion that dooms up in front of you is big enough to be classified as a castle, you think. Will parks the car, but doesn’t get out. “So,” he asks, eyeing you carefully, “you ready?” 

Not really.

But you nod anyway. 

--

As soon as you walk into the building, which is massive and beautiful, one of your colleagues comes running up to you.

“Ellie,” you greet her with a smile, and she kisses your cheek quickly.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she beams. “It’s just no fun without you.”

Ellie is one of your favorite colleagues, always down to go on coffee breaks with you and talk about whatever is on your mind. If anyone would know that you were going to take Will to the wedding, it would’ve been her, except she hadn’t known, so you’re not surprised by her wide eyes as she takes Will in.

“Hello?” she asks, an obvious question mark at the end of her sentence.

“Hi, nice to meet you.” Will’s smile is bright and polite. “I’m Will, Y/N’s plus one for the night.”

“Oh, how lovely!” Ellie smiles, then turns to you and hisses: “You didn’t tell me you were gonna bring a hot guy!”

Except she’s not being quiet or subtle at all, and a smug smirk appears on Willy’s face.

Just when you thought his head couldn’t get any bigger.

It turns out to be way easier than you thought it would be, to go around and introduce people to Will.

Nobody mentions that they recognize him and you’re glad for it, because the one time someone stared at him a bit too long Willy started shuffling on his feet and staring at the floor, as if the attention made him uncomfortable.

You know it doesn’t, because you’ve seen him with fans before, but you can’t help but be glad that he doesn’t have to be William Nylander from the Toronto Maple Leafs, tonight.

It’s not like you would really know how to handle that.

Apart from that moment, Will fits in like he was always supposed to be there. He charms your coworkers, your boss, and it doesn’t surprise you because you don’t think you’ve ever met anyone who’s not been charmed by him, but it still lifts a weight off your chest.

At first, Will follows you around the room while you talk to people. He stays close enough that his shoulder keeps brushing yours, and every now and then his hand lays heavy on your lower back.

You suppose it’s better that way, to make people think that you actually like each other.

Somehow, though, and you really don’t remember the exact time you lost him, Will ends up talking to some people you’ve not even ever met before, while you’re standing by the bar with Ellie.

“So,” Ellie says, and the knowing tone in her voice puts you on edge. “You forgot to mention you have a smoking hot boyfriend.”

Immediately, you go into defense. “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s a friend of Zach’s, and he’s come as my plus one as a favor.”

Ellie knows Zach from your birthday dinners, and she nods knowingly.

“I figured. He plays hockey, too, right?”

How the hell does she know that?  

The question must show on your face because she laughs. “It’s not rocket science. Have you looked at his ass?”

You can’t say you’ve never looked at it, but you haven’t looked at it today. However, now that she’s mentioned it, you can’t stop yourself from letting your gaze travel.

His ass looks really good in that suit, you have to admit.

“If you thought he was my boyfriend, why were you looking at his ass anyway?” It’s mostly teasing, but Ellie hears the underlying edge under it and rolls her eyes.

“I don’t have to drive the car to admire the engine.”

It such a ridiculous comparison that you burst out laughing. You’re still giggling when Ellie adds: “However, if you’re not dating, maybe I’ll go shoot my shot.”

Something twists in your stomach, but there’s absolutely no reason for it. Why would you care if she flirts with Will? He’s not actually dating you. 

“You do that,” you tell her, and you ignore the heavy feeling in your stomach as she winks at you and saunters over at Will.

The thing is, Ellie is exactly the kinda girl you’d expect Will to be interested in. She’s beautiful, with long legs and long hair, and she’s witty and funny and smart. She’s also actually good at flirting – you’ve seen her in enough bars to know that.

You watch as Will turns to her, welcoming her with a sly smirk and a hand on her elbow. She throws her head back when she laughs, and suddenly your wine doesn’t taste so good anymore.

You don’t really see Will – or Ellie, for that matter – the rest of the evening. You go around and mingle with people you don’t really care about, congratulate the happy couple and drink a little too much wine.

It’s a lot later when suddenly, a familiar hand lands on your lower back.

“Don’t kill me,” Will’s voice sounds low in your ear. “But I did something kinda dumb.”

Oh no.

You put on your fakest smile as you excuse yourself from your conversation and let Willy pull you with him through the crowd, until you’re in an empty hallway that you think leads to the kitchen.

“What did you do?” you hiss, and Willy’s hand drops away from you as he stares to the floor.

“First, you need to promise not to get mad,” he says.

You really can’t promise that, but Will has crossed his arms and is stubbornly staring at you, and you know Will is used to getting what he wants and won’t tell you unless you agree with him. So you do.

“Fine.”

“So your friend Ellie was flirting with me,” he starts. Instantly, your blood runs cold; if he did something to upset her… “Fucking hell, Y/N, I didn’t hurt her.” Will rolls his eyes. “What kinda jerk do you think I am?”

He seems genuinely offended and you chide yourself for rushing to conclusions like that, when you’ve never known Will to be that kinda guy.

Sure, he’s annoying, cocky and loud and flippant, sometimes, but he’s not evil. He’s one of Zach’s best friends, after all.

“I was nice to her,” Will continues, “and she was nice, too. Super hot.” His eyes twinkle, and you have to shove back the flash of annoyance that tears through your body. You don’t need Will to see that.

“Anyway, I’m here supposed to be dating you, so obviously I didn’t flirt back, but she wasn’t giving up and it was getting a bit much, so I thought, if I just talk with someone else she’ll get the hint. And I was just being nice to that other girl, but I guess it looked like I was flirting.”

The most horrible thought crosses your mind.

“You didn’t flirt with the bride!”

The sigh Will lets out is heavy. “No, obviously not. You have a really low opinion on me, huh?”

You kinda do, but you just stare at him blankly.

“It was just some girl who maybe kinda has a boyfriend, and now that boyfriend maybe kinda wants to break my face.” His eyes widen comically. “I have a very nice face, I don’t want to break it.”

You can’t help it; immediately, you’re snorting out laughter.

“Willy,” you giggle, “are you telling me you’re about to get beat up at a wedding?”

Will huffs. “It’s not funny. He was massive.”

Suddenly, you think of something. “Oh my God, please tell me it’s not Rick from finance.”

“What does Rick from finance look like?” Willy’s eyes are wide and a little wild.

With every detail you describe, he gets paler, until he nods. “Yep, I’m pretty sure it was Rick from finance.”

“Rick from finance does MMA fighting in his spare time,” you tell him, finally feeling a little sorry for him. “He could destroy you.”

Will reaches out and grabs your hand, squeezes it tight as if that will somehow keep him safe. “We have to get out of here.”

Maybe, if you were a lesser person, you would’ve stayed, just to see Willy sweat. But you do feel bad for him and to be honest, you’re tired and kinda done with the wedding, anyway.

“Okay, let’s go home,” you promise him, softly patting his hand with yours. “But when we get home, I’m so gonna tell Zach you nearly got beat up by some guy in finance.”

“Don’t you dare,” Will threatens, but he’s smiling again and you won’t admit to yourself that you’re glad for it.

“Hey, Y/N?” 

“Yes?”

“I really wasn’t flirting with that girl, or the other girl. I wouldn’t do that when I came here with you.”

And it shouldn’t matter, it really shouldn’t. 

It kinda does, anyway. 

[ryanmeft]

Movie Review: Promising Young Woman

Your reaction to the opening scene of Promising Young Woman might say a lot about you. A trio of finance ‘bros at a strip club talk about a female colleague in unflattering terms. One of them notices a woman who is drunk, by herself and who might be suggestive if she were sober. Two of the men don’t much care whether she’s sober or not, but the third seems concerned, and tries to help.

Have you seen the film? If not, I’d suggest you stop reading. You want to go in blind, not because the story has any fantastically inventive or original twists, but because of the fresh way it presents otherwise tired revenge-fantasy tropes.

If you have seen it, I’d like to quiz you on your reaction to the opening scene. Did you think:

A: “It’s good one of these guys is decent and wants to help.”

Or

B: “Something about this whole thing seems off to me.”

The very-much-not-drunk woman’s name is Cassie, played by the perennially underrated Carey Mulligan, and she makes a habit of this. The “nice guy” of course attempts to take advantage of her, and she leaves his apartment the next morning with blood on her, not hers. She does this not for herself, but for a friend who was sexually assaulted in college.

If you knew anything about the film going in, you expected that. What’s refreshing is where the story goes from there. Cassie returns home to her parent’s house. Her “lair” is her room, an ordinary, if upper-class, quarters. She works at a coffee house, drives an ordinary car, and eventually acquires an ordinary boyfriend (Bo Burnham) who is cute enough but not Hollywood Hot.

Most revenge-fantasy films strictly avoid questions of where a character lives, how they earn money, who their family and friends are, and what they do when they aren’t revenging. That’s even more true of movies starring women. We seem unable to imagine them as both hardened action stars and having a regular life. In movies like Atomic Blonde or Ocean’s 8, the heroes operate out of temporary digs, and if we do catch a glimpse of an apartment, it’s not the kind of place humans actually live---there are never any messes, and nobody spends even a single night on a Netflix binge. One recent film simply titled Revenge gave our heroine absolutely no background or story at all.

This often works, on a sleek, superficial level. What elevates PYW is that it eschews that sleekness for messy reality, so that when Cassie takes revenge on one of the many people she blames for what happened, she still has to walk out onto an ordinary street, drive to a real house in a real car, and so forth. Most avenging angels are simply transported from one setpiece location to another by editing. You cannot picture one of Liam Neeson’s retribution-obsessed action heroes actually driving somewhere---he simply teleports.

The movie later suggests she does not kill her targets, but instead terrorizes them and sometimes tortures them. You may well wonder how she gets away with this---how she fools assholes into taking her home despite leaving them alive to spread the story. The movie never says, but if you’ve been around this particular type of guy, you already know. Men such as Cassie’s victims never see a woman as being their equal, and thus cannot perceive one as a threat to them. And if a woman does get the best of them, they’d never tell the authorities. Both things would threaten their sense of dominance. When they tell their friends the story, you better believe they re-write it to make themselves look good.

All of which naturally begs the question: what is Cassie achieving? A lesser film in this vein might be content to say that revenge is enough. Emerald Fennell clearly found that approach lacking. Cassie is not a mindless, emotion-free robot of automatic vengeance, but a broken person driven to break people who deserve it. One of my favorite comics, 100 Bullets, is built around the ability to get away with justified murder, and ranges widely in terms of the fates of those who take that chance.

Cassie would fit right in as a character there. The men she targets deserve their fate. Yet her crusade is destroying whatever was left of her as her ends justify more and more extreme means. She eventually confronts the Dean of her former med school (Connie Britton), a woman who has a history of allowing abusers to walk free because she places her social class above both her gender and justice. The Dean deserves to squirm, but however correct Cassie is in what she says, what she does to torture the women would make any parent hate our protagonist.

There is no way this is not deliberate on Fennell’s part; you cannot write a hero such as this one and expect us to agree with everything she does. She is not out to ruin the lives of merely abusers, but of those who looked the other way. The moral dilemma is that Cassie does not care who else she hurts to make those people hurt. Anyone is fair game for her schemes if it accomplishes her ends. There’s no way for a person with a soul to be that focused on getting the job done without internalizing some of it, taking that darkness on themselves.

The pivotal moment showing the damage Cassie is personally incurring is not very dramatic. She visits a woman who was a friend when they were kids, and talks about the friend who is gone. This is simply an ordinary woman---we have not seen her before this scene, and we do not see her after, because Cassie has isolated herself from her life. She lives on an ordinary street, and the two talk like you or I might talk, not like a screenwriter would. You could quite easily walk down this street and past them talking, and not know anything important was being discussed.

Could this be a comment by Fennell: “Sexual assault doesn’t appear dramatic, and is all around you”? It works on that level. I chose to see it as a means to ground Cassie in a life like ours, to elevate her above the killing machines we see in many movies. Real survivors don’t become superheroes; they have to go on with life. Cassie is a great hero because she has to do that, too. Our satisfaction at seeing assholes punished is muted somewhat by how much of her soul it costs her. Verdict: Must-See

Note: I don’t use stars, but here are my possible verdicts. 

Must-See

Highly Recommended

Recommended

Average

Not Recommended

Avoid like the Plague

You can follow me on Twitter here, if you want more posts about film and video games and sometimes about manscaping:

https://twitter.com/RyanmEft

All images are property of the people what own the movie.

[gilmores-glorious-blog]

think of all the fun i´ve missed (think of all the fellas that i haven’t kissed)

-

merry (early) christmas @leifdonnellies! i was your secret santa and i had a lot of fun writing this fic for you :D i hope you enjoy it and have a great holiday season! (the title is from santa baby and really doesn’t fit with the fic all that well but i thought it was funny...)

-

Tobin Batra knew every word in the English dictionary, and yet he still didn’t know the right words to describe the chaos that was SPRQ Point holiday parties. 

After going to one for this first time, Tobin immediately knew why STEM kids and queer kids were never the people throwing parties in high school. When you combined those groups into the group that was the fourth floor of SPRQ Point, the result was a drunken mess of a gathering. 

The floor was cleared off as it would be for any business-related gala, but instead of tasteful lighting and tech speeches, there were tacky Christmas lights strung up and shitty music blasting from every speaker. 

And yet, Tobin loved them. He loved his oddball group of friends and colleagues, and it was fun to hang out with them without any pressure of deadlines and CEO visits, and instead just a week-long break to look forward to. At recent parties, Zoey’s DJ friend Mo provided the music, and he did have objectively better music taste than anyone else there. Tobin liked Mo, and liked getting to chat with him at parties, mostly about music and queer stuff. Another plus of parties was seeing who gave the most outrageous white elephant gifts- Tobin was currently winning that competition ever since he gifted Max a live chinchilla a year ago. (Max still had the chinchilla. He named it Joan after their former boss, and it was beloved by everyone.) Yet another great thing about it was that it was the one night that they finally could replace the bread bar or oatmeal bar or whatever bar with an open bar, because apparently it was legal if it was for a party. But Tobin’s favorite thing about the holiday parties was the fact that it was the one night a year that his boyfriend let Tobin kiss him in front of their colleagues. 

Leif was surprisingly shy about PDA, and had been as long as Tobin had known him. His parents weren’t exactly the most touchy-feely people, with each other or with their children, and it had clearly rubbed off on Leif. Tobin was fine with this, of course, he’d never want to make his boyfriend uncomfortable. Plus the two lived together, and Leif was incredibly touch starved at home, so it wasn’t really a big deal that they never did more than very occasionally hold hands at work. That being said, Tobin discovered recently that Leif found it “morally wrong”- Leif’s words, not Tobin’s- to disobey the laws of mistletoe, and he planned to fully exploit that fact at the party.

Mistletoe was a big thing at these parties- because obviously it was, what chaotic Christmas party was complete without a tiny, slightly-poisonous plant that required you to kiss whoever’s nearest to you if you found yourself under it? When they arrived at the party, Tobin snatched a cluster of mistletoe that was hanging right outside the elevators. He figured that was a fair place to steal it from, because as much as he loved the tradition, it was a bit of a cruel place to hang it, catching people off guard like that. Leif glanced over and saw him grab it, but just rolled his eyes as Tobin winked at him and smirked. 

“Hey guys!” Zoey greeted as they joined the group. “You can put your gifts over there…” She pointed to a small pile before glancing at the package in Tobin’s arms with concern. “I do not want to know what’s in there this year.” 

Tobin smiled wide. “Well, I tried hard to top Joan the chinchilla, but I think it was my peak.” 

Leif and Zoey rolled their eyes in unison as Leif gave Tobin a shove towards the stack of gifts. 

Tobin soon joined the rest of the party, dragging Leif with him and forcing him to dance to the loud music with him. As per usual, Mo had created a killer playlist, albeit a bit of a weird conglomeration of songs. Any playlist that went from a stunning, slow cover of Someday At Christmas (that seemed to have been sung by the DJ himself) immediately into the original version of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer had to be made by someone at least a little bit high. 

About an hour into the party, Tobin could tell that Leif was getting overwhelmed by all the people and the sounds, so he silently took his hand and pulled him into the nest. 

“Thanks,” Leif said once they were out of earshot of others. He rubbed his neck awkwardly as he sat down on the conference table. “Sorry, I don’t know what was happening back there, I’ve been better with social stuff for a while, I guess it just… I dunno… it’s still hard sometimes.”

“Bro, it’s okay, I get it. You never need to apologize about anxiety stuff. And it’s not going to be all better, all the time, and that’s okay. You’ve been doing so good lately, Leif, and you deserve to celebrate that.” Tobin sat next to Leif and put his hand over Leif’s. 

Leif turned to him and smiled softly. “Thank you, babe.” 

Tobin lay his head on Leif’s shoulder and began rubbing gentle circles on Leif’s hand with his thumb. “You’re welcome.” 

Neither man spoke for a few minutes, and Tobin could hear Leif doing some deep breathing, something he often did as a way to calm his anxiety. 

Eventually, when Leif seemed to have fully relaxed, he turned towards Tobin and smiled at him again. “Have I mentioned that you look really nice tonight?” 

Tobin laughed. “A few times. But you can tell me again.”

“Well you do. Really nice.” 

Leif leaned forward and kissed Tobin, and Tobin counted it a win that his boyfriend kissed him at work with no mistletoe involved. 

Tobin pulled away much sooner than he wanted to, because they were still at a party after all. “Hey, you ready to go back?”

Leif squeezed his hand before standing up. “Yeah. I think so.”

  The two of them left the conference room, and only got a few strange looks from the other party-goers as they made their way back to the group. 

“There you are!” Zoey said as she and Simon made their way over. “We were waiting for you to start gifts.” 

The next half-hour was spent in a flurry of white elephant chaos, filled with plenty of cursing and sighing and coming close to tears begging someone to please steal their gift because they don’t even play an instrument, why do they need sheet music for the wii theme?! Although none of the gifts came close to the glory of Tobin’s chinchilla, it was unanimously decided that Leif won this year’s most outrageous gift with the collection of small cowboy hats that Simon ended up with (something Simon was weirdly pleased with receiving.) Tobin had pouted about this decision, seeing as the hats had originally been his idea, but his boyfriend looked so pleased about winning such a stupid contest that Tobin let him take the win without too much complaining. 

It was getting late, and the party would likely be wearing to a close soon. People were still dancing, however- Leif being one of them. He and Zoey and Simon were in the middle of the floor, moving in a way that they must have considered “dancing” (but was really just a weird movement of limbs all over the place). 

The red and green lights were reflecting in Leif’s hair, making the blond curls glow in a way that could only be described as magical. His suit jacket had been abandoned at some point in the evening, so he was wearing only a deep red short sleeve dress shirt with a green vest over it. Despite the cliche color scheme, the outfit looked great on Leif. Tobin watched as Leif threw his head back in laughter at something Simon said, and felt a weird flutter in his heart at the sight. Even after nearly two years of dating Leif, and nearly twelve years of being in love with him, the other man never failed to make Tobin feel like he was fifteen again, looking over at the boy playing video games on the couch next to him, and being hit with a rush of feelings so sudden and so strong that Tobin thought he was dying. 

Tobin moved suddenly from where he’d been standing next to George, asking his friend to hold his drink for a moment. He joined Leif on the dance floor right as Santa Baby faded out (the dance moves done for that song did not bear repeating, to say the least), and faintly processed Mo announcing that their final song of the night was White Christmas because it had just started snowing in San Francisco, so of course it was. 

“Hey.” Tobin announced his presence as he sidled up next to Leif, swaying slightly to the melody. 

“Hi!” Leif turned around so quickly that he needed to steady himself by grabbing on to Tobin’s waist (nothing Tobin was complaining about), his face flushed from dancing. 

“Care to dance?” Tobin put his arms up and around Leif’s shoulders, noticing out of the corner of his eye that Zoey and Simon had begun to slow dance away from them, seemingly lost in each other. 

Leif just smiled in response and began leading Tobin slowly around the floor. Neither one of them were particularly great at dancing, but it didn’t matter. As Tobin heard the song drawing to a close, he fumbled in his jacket pocket for the mistletoe he had grabbed earlier. Upon finding it, he raised his arm above both him and Leif’s heads so that the mistletoe hung above them.

“Hey L.” Tobin said to get his boyfriend’s attention, because he’d somehow not noticed the commotion.

“Yeah?”

“Look up.” Tobin smirked.

Leif did so and immediately rolled his eyes and blushed.

“Well?” Tobin knew he was being obnoxious but didn’t care. “I seem to recall someone here saying that it was wrong to not follow the rules of mistletoe. Are you really gonna go back on your word now-”

Leif shut Tobin up by kissing him. 

Tobin smiled into the kiss, moving his non-mistletoe hand to cradle Leif’s face. People were probably staring at them, but he didn’t care. It’s not like no one knew they were together. 

Leif pulled back after a minute, slapping the mistletoe with indignance until Tobin lowered his arm. Their faces were still close, foreheads resting together.

“Merry Christmas Tobes.” 

Tobin gave Leif another quick kiss and smiled at him. “Merry Christmas Leif.” 

[nmoroder]

L4D(2) Actor AU

This is a (not complete) list of headcanons for the Actor AU me and my bro came up with during our Expert runs and running extremely low on morale. We created this as a sort of ‘happy’ AU which would also give some room to our own ideas, so some of this stuff below may only slightly be related to original. We understand.

This post won’t be updated but instead followed by other ones if something else arises, so check ‘l4d actor au’ tag on my blog for more!

Overall setting

The Left 4 Dead universe itself is a series of 90-min movies divided into first and second season, L4D1 and L4D2 respectively. This list will further refer to them as S1 and S2;

L4D is a series about, of course, zombie apocalypse, but teamwork and forming bonds between people are brought to spotlight. Both seasons consist of episodes where four Survivors try to find a solid ground and safety with every episode ending on a cheerful note but every next one starting with the cheerfulness destroyed. The episodes share their names and events with Campaigns;

Originally, L4D was created by a team of enthusiasts, consisting of friends, families and family friends, so they are all very immersed in process and really giving their best. Their collective is also the reason their funding isn’t very high and they’re mostly using their own equipment and props; this makes the series look less expensive and polished but retains the atmosphere and the main goal: to show people growing warmer to each other and learning to stick together;

The actors’ names are mostly created by combining the face model’s first name and the voice actor’s last name, though some other versions do take place (see S1 and S2);

The safehouse graffitis are inspired by the fans’ responses from forums and contests, so it’s some sort of communicating with audience through screenplay;

The Third Strike, more commonly known as Black and White Mode which occures after second incapacitation, was firstly discovered as a camera malfunction but then the team liked it so much that they decided to leave it as a feature and add the heartbeat effect and stuff;

Main plot line consists solely of canon Campaigns (that means it doesn’t include Last Stand and Cold Stream) but there were also suggestions to shot additional episodes - the Mutations. After S1 success, the authors posted their ideas on different ‘modes’ and fans added theirs as well and thus during S2 some more episodes were made using, for example, a male synchronized swimming team to create the Hunting Party mutation. The original Hunter actor also participated and the swimmers required to copy his behavior; they did it so well that sometimes the whole Survivor team was being overwhelmed once they began the take;

There are no stuntmen on board so every fighting scene is shot with original actors. When it requires to shove someone off with a weapon (e.g. Zoey shoving a Hunter off Louis in the L4D1 intro), after the take actors always ask each other whether they hit too hard, should they improve the movements etc. Different actors have different range so it’s a tricky thing to cooperate but they still manage (I’ll come back to this topic in L4D2 section);

Most Infected, especially Special Infected encounters are improvised, bringing more life and realism to the Survivors’ response. The Hunter is responsible for a fair share of their shock as they noticed him stuck at a saferoom ceiling only after a while (this is a reference to the glitches that allow the Hunter to get stuck under the roof in Versus);

There was a suggestion to run a Kickstarter campaign to gather money for a fanservice episode especially for shippers. While it was most likely a joke from actors who didn’t mind shipping, it’s still a suggestion and not in work.

L4D (Season 1)

Zoey shares the zombie movie obsession with her actress; Sonja was the most familiar with the topic among original team and provided a lot of help with setting up the scene, behaviour writing etc. Along with Louis and Boomer actors, she was the creator of original idea and can consider herself a founder of the series. She is also older than Zoey as a character, being already in her 25s while Zoey is a college student;

The original Boomer actor was a CGI specialist and offered his skills for post-processing while also playing an Infected role. He came up with the idea of a Boomer Infected himself and suggested his large physique to do the role with a little touch of computer graphics and makeup;

While discussing the major characters and personalities worth including, Zoey’s actress instantly remembered her neighbor, the big buffy tattooed guy who was her childhood friend, worked as a driver and spent his weekends with his favorite bike. She figured that it’s a nice image to have in a zombie apocalypse setting, and thus Francis’ actor made it to the set;

When it came to the image of a war veteran refusing to give in to monsters, Zoey’s actress was also the one to suggest another person to fill up the space: her father. He was younger than Bill was written to be but did the impersonating well. He’s got an overall friendly but bickering attitude towards Francis’ actor so most of lines written for Bill and Francis interaction were the ones actors remembered from their own conversations, slightly exaggerated;

Zoey’s actress and Louis’ actor were co-workers for several years and bonded over their mutual interest to zombie theme and shooting. She foud out that Sean attended a shooting range in his spare time and asked him to take her out too; thus she both found out he aces in ambidextrous shooting and got him to teach her how to wield a hunting rifle. The weapon preferences were carried over to respective characters;

Hunter’s actor became a surprise for the team as Francis’ actor brought him over saying that the guy’s got a fantastic voice (and a music band) and physique to make some badass new Infected for them. They got him to voice the crowd extras of common Infected but also came up with an idea of shrieking hooded parkour bastard to rip someone’s guts out, thus creating the Hunter as another Special Infected;

As the next Special Infected concept came out of the shadows - a lanky coughing tongue-twisting zombie who would grab the Survivors and restrict them, Hunter’s actor brought another person to the set. It was his music band co-participant who did drums and back vocals and also had an ability to eject the most horrible coughing sound out of his throat while being (seemingly) healthy. He took over the role of a Smoker;

Hunter’s actor is named Mike after Mike Patton, the voice actor for Infected and SI like Hunter and Smoker. Smoker’s actor is named Mike too but the fact that he plays drums and does back vocals is actually a reference to Faith No More, the band where Patton actually does vocals and Mike Bordin does what Smoker’s actor does. It sounds complicated but originally the idea of Hunter and Smoker actors sharing a name came from Patton voicing them both, and then I found out about the band and two Mikes present so... that was a weird but happy coincidence;

The fact stated above was the reason the team came up with nicknames just for two Mikes on the set - Hoodie and Tongue respectively. The tradition was carried over to S2 where the new Hunter actor would receive a patronizing nickname Kid from Survivors (see S2)

Of all Infected actors, Hunter’s actor was the least level-headed and even Francis’ actor sometimes doubted his past decision to bring him in. Nevertheless, Hoodie’s cheerful attitude and energy helped the collective stay positive and fuelled during especially hard days. It also brought out the less lethargic and melancholic part of Tongue and made him more lively about things;

Despite Hoodie being the Endless Energy Core which people tended to adore, he was still in a lousy relationship with Witch’s actress (her name, by the way, is different from the voice actress - it’s Rose). He kept a charmer’s attitude towards her even though she was a married woman; Rose tended to be neutral or mostly positive towards most colleagues but this behavior pissed her off big time, leading to Hoodie being injured by her stage costume claws after she punched him in the face for a really bad dating joke. Hoodie toned it down afterwards but their relationship didn’t improve much up until the end;

Witch’s actress is keen on baking and sometimes brings some to the filming set;

Since the budget was comparatively low, the team couldn’t afford a lot of crowd extras so they hired a group of people to then create an image of a Horde attacking by using CGI. That’s why there’s so much repeating common Infected on-screen;

The first season included all L4D1 original Campaigns, leaving The Sacrifice out as it was added later in a DLC. As S2 came into development stage, the team wanted to add an episode with the old Survivors team but Bill’s actor was unavailable at the time and was overall not hot with the idea of shooting movies anymore; so eventually they plotted the episode (The Passing campaign) to feature Bill being dead. The fans were shocked to find it out and demanded to know what exactly happened, thus leading to actually shooting The Sacrifice as a bonus episode to S1 (and requiring Bill’s actor to come back despite his attitude).

L4D2 (Season 2)

The collective decided to take a sharp turn on the new Survivors and create them being unacquainted and sort of separated at the start but growing closer as time passes by. The idea of S1 Survivors being almost a family to each other sounded great and played along just right but the team wanted to delve deeper into relationship problems and also have a change of scenery - and so they did;

The Infected team for S2 still consisted of some old faces (Boomer, Tank and Witch) but some had to leave the set for the time being and were unable to rehearse the roles, this being Hunter and Smoker actors. They got into music harder than zombie movies and planned to go on a tour so they could only leave their old Infected sounds as a legacy;

The new Smoker actor was a treasure Coach’s actor brought to the set. Since Coach was in fact a college coach, he kept a close eye on some problematic students under his wing and picked out the one he’d considered perfect and at the same time worth looking after. The guy was recovering from compulsory drug treatment and had some ugly scars all over his arms, making him an easier candidate for makeup;

Hoodie, on his part, brought a replacement on his own, and it was his brother - four years younger, even more insanely into parkour and a huge fan of L4D series, he made a perfect new Hunter. Despite being only a few years younger than Hoodie, he instantly became treated like a restless constant-questioner child, a literal piece of sunshine on the set, so the team came to call him just Kid. He adjusted to the nickname after a couple of weeks, though being seriously surprised at it at the start;

The actors of Ellis, Jockey and Charger all come from one family, being two sons and a father. Coach suggested the family as well, being their close friend for many years and pointing out Ellis’ actor appearance being something close to the laid-back mechanic they wanted for the new Survivors team;

Although fluently speaking in a Southern accent, Ellis’ actor isn’t very fond of it as he tried to get rid of it and move to a different state; the role obliged him to use the accent again though and it wasn’t hard to recreate, but he still didn’t take pride in it and was mostly annoyed with it and Nick’s jokes written in script;

Ellis’ actor is also the one more frequently complaining about amount of money the actors receive for their work on set. Their funding increased a bit since S1′s popularity strike but still;

Most of Ellis’ stories were written based on actual on-set incidents, usually featuring Nick’s actor (see below);

Nick’s actor, Taymour, is married to Witch’s actress and is a big fan of her performance in S1. When she heard the idea of having a snarky self-centered ladies’ man in the new Survivors team, she immediately knew who’d handle the role at his best. She also rehearsed the role of Witch just to make sure nothing bad happens to her husband on-set (also see below);

Nick’s actor suffers from constant bad luck incidents. He can accidentally break or twist something without serious effort; he’s also allergic to artificial blood and he is the reason the filming set actually features painkillers and functioning adrenaline shots. Despite all that, he’s got a positive attitude about bad luck and got used to being in a state of constant non-obvious danger, unlike others who geniunely worry about his well-being and fear that one day an accidental injury might end him once and for all;

This trait is also the reason Nick’s line “Can’t you see I’m limping here?” made it into the script - it was improvised after Nick’s actor badly hit his leg and was the last to make it to a saferoom during a take. The team liked it and decided to leave it in;

Nick’s actor treats his role with all respect and doesn’t consider it a small one despite the not so large fee. He’s also a complete opposite to the character, being a very friendly and kind-hearted guy to everyone on set; he can however switch back to his script personality with startling speed and it scared some of the new actors at first. Despite playing an asshole which is very different from real him, Nick’s actor enjoys it a lot and overall finds great joy in working with the team and bringing them together;

Bringing back the topic of being gentle to each other, Nick’s actor takes great care when it’s required to hit or shove someone in the take, keeping it mildest possible, unlike for example Ellis’ actor who can smash you in the face without a second thought;

Nick’s actor and Witch’s actress keep their loving attitude on set as well, sometimes making it hard to shoot scenes featuring a Witch killing; as they were shooting the Witch Bride scene where the same actress took place but had a different outfit and makeup, they ruined several takes by driving the dialogue in unwanted directions, e.g. “Ellis, go kiss the bride! No wait, I’ll do that myself” or “N: Sounds like my ex-wife... W: I still AM your wife, darling! >:C”;

With her husband on stage, Witch’s actress is probably closest to her role - she will tear apart anyone who dares to hit on Nick’s actor or mean any harm to him (as if his own harming isn’t enough...). The only one she’d go loose is Ellis’ actor, being an old close friend;

Ellis’ actor was the one who introduced Nick’s actor to his future wife. They’ve actually been close friends since the university and Ellis’ actor was among those who obviously saw Nick’s actor and Rose being in love but completely oblivious to it. Ellis’ actor is still kinda jealous that she took his best friend away and they can’t hang out anymore like they used to, but they get quite a lot of time on set so he’s less irritated about that;

Nick’s actor is especially supportive towards Rochelle’s actress, Shanola. She feels self-conscious because of her character’s rating being lower than expected and blames it on her performance, but Taymour keeps reassuring her that she’s doing amazing. Rochelle’s actress is also the one least accustomed to shooting a weapon and handling violence of any kind so it was hard for her to get her head into action. With the team fully supporting her, the progress sped up tremendously;

Ellis’ actor’s name is Jesy and he gets salty about people misspelling it or mistaking it for a female name. It was the inspiration to include the “El kinda sounds like a girl’s name” part of Ellis’ dialogue;

The team is overall friendly towards shipping dynamics in the series’ fandom, with the only one explicitly stating otherwise being Ellis’ actor. He’s espeicially upset with Nellis ship as people started shipping actors over it too; he stated multiple times that he and Nick’s actor have been best friends for so long that it’s simply wrong to imply any romantic and/or sexual relationship between them. He once stated in an interview that he’d rather believe an Ellis/Hunter ship and the fandom exploded with it on the next day, much to the actor’s chagrin. The Hunter’s actor, or Kid, however, wasn’t that upset and supported the idea. The team made no confirmation to any ships yet;

Nick’s actor is neutral to most ships including Nellis and doesn’t see why his friend is so angry about it. His personal favorites are Nick/Witch for obvious reasons and Nick/Hunter for less obvious reasons that he doesn’t state. He jokingly suggests Jesy from time to time to start a Kickstarter campaign for a Nellis-centered episode; it’s still unknown whether they’ll take it serious one day.

[issabangtanfic]

[Jungkook] The Windmill House (Chapter 4)

Masterlist

Synopsis: When for once rich doesn’t rhyme with Christian Grey.

Pairing: Jungkook x OC

A/N: Feel free to submit a cover! Tell me what you think in my inbox! Enjoy!

-

Friday comes in a blink of an eye, and before I can really prepare myself mentally I am back at the mansion, where so far nothing good ever happens to me. It’s the end of the week, I’ve had a long day, so I don’t feel like dealing with any of Mr. Jeon's bullshit. Before leaving my car I give myself a mental pep talk. I am not going to let him get in my head, or in my pants, for that matter. Once under the porch, I knock and my client opens the door.

"Miss Fair.” He greets, all navy suit and yummy face. I give him a tight smile. This is going to be difficult.

“Good evening Mr. Jeon.” I reply. He steps aside to let me in and closes the door behind me.

“How was your day?” He asks once we’re in what could be considered the foyer of the mansion.

“Busy. How have you been?”
 I reply. He gives me a playful look.

“Impatient.” He says. Goddammit.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” He proposes, shoving his hands in the pockets of his fin, fine trousers.

“Our barman just arrived.” He informs me, leading me down a short corridor.


“Barman?” I repeat.
 “This is going to be a hotel?”
 I ask him as we walk into a hall with a bar. There’s a counter and four wooden stools.

“I don’t know yet.” He shrugs a shoulder.

“But you have a barman.” I retort.

“I’m the barman.”
 He explains.

“Wine?” He proposes, slipping behind the counter. I’m not against a little something to make this whole thing a tad easier.

“Just a sip. I have to drive.” I agree, sitting my bum on a stool and putting my purse on the counter. I watch as Mr. Jeon pulls out two wine glasses and a bottle of red wine. As he’s open to open in, his phone starts to ring in his pocket. He halts to look at the caller’s ID, and I see his face harden, He stares at his phone for a couple of seconds before looking back at my waiting form.

“Sorry, I have to take this.” He says. I nod, and watch him walk out the room. I sit there, waiting twiddling my thumbs, resisting the urge to open each and every door I see and climb all the stairs I can find.

“Miss Fair?”

I turn my head and see a man walking down the stairs. Tall, dirty blond hair and a light stubble, the man is in a suit with no tie, and the top two buttons of his shirt undone. He radiates with charisma, his eyes green and piercing.

“That’s me. And you are?” I reply, watching him walk to me. He gives me a smile I’m he reserves for ladies. It is as devastating as it is familiar. Where have I seen this fine man?

“Good evening. I’m Eliott, Kook’s brother.” He greets. Eliott… Eliott… Eliott Hargreeves? They don’t have the same last name?

“Oh. I do remember you. Me and my colleague Ava worked on your home in south London, right.” I tell him once he’s in front of me.

“A masterpiece.” He nods, giving me his hand to shake.

“Good evening, Eliott. Mr. Jeon told me you recommended me to him.” I say to him, shaking his hand.

“I did. You did a fantastic job in the penthouse, so I figured you could do wonders in this place as well.” He explains. I wonder if he knows his brother almost gave the project to someone else.

“Well thank you very much, it’s a very exciting project.” I reply, and he hits me with another charming smile.

“You’re most welcome.” He murmurs, almost making me giggle. I watch him as he goes behind the counter, where his brother has left a bottle of wine and two glasses. He takes the bottle and looks at the tag, before making a grimace and putting it away.

“Do you know what mister Jeon has in mind for this building? Surely he doesn’t live here.” I ask him.

“I think he wants to turn it into a luxury hotel.” Eliott explains, pulling out another botte from under the counter.

“I see.” I say, watching him open that second bottle.

“I think he should go for an Italian design, but he wants everything to look like your neighborhood Dubai villa.” He says, shaking his head disapprovingly. Exactly!

“That’s exactly what I told him.” I concur as he pours us some dark red- almost black wine.

“And he accepted?” Eliott challenged, putting the bottle down.

“Well, I’m here.” I shrug, and he chuckles, sliding one glass in my direction.

“Nice one.” He says, raising his glass at me. I raise mine and take sip. This is strong.

“So,” I pipe up while Eliott takes a stool next to mine. “How’s your company doing?”

Mr. Hargreeves tells me more about his fintech company and his new projects. He plans on opening a hotel and is looking into buying cruse ships. He also explains how he tries to make all of his businesses as eco-friendly as possible, which is something I admire. He asks me about my most recent projects, lets me show him some pictures on my phone, and proposes to hire me to work on his hypothetical hotel. The discussion never ends as we bounce off of each other’s subjects to bring up new ones, wine being poured continuously, so much so that we don’t feel the time pass.

“Eliott?”

We both turn our heads to see Mr. Jeon returning after his phone call, eyebrows knotted together.

“Hey, big bro.”
 Eliott greets him.

“I thought you were leaving.” He says, sounding annoyed.


“I was, and then I ran into your lovely guest.”
 Eliott replies with a grin, waving towards me. Oh, flattery.

"Just sharing a drink. Well two, by now.”
 He informs him, bringing his glass to his lips. Two?! I look at my empty glass. I hadn’t realized I was drinking. How did I not pay attention? I won’t be able to drive like that.

“You’ve been drinking Marsala?”


When I look up Mr. Jeon has walked behind the counter, and is holding the now empty bottle of wine. I gape at him, clueless.

“Maya. this is 20 percent alcohol. You’ll be drunk in a few minutes.”
 He admonishes. Oh bloody hell.

“Oh, crap.”
 Is all I manage.

“S’fine. I can get you home after we’re all done.”
 Eliott counters nonchalantly. After we’re done?

“After what-“


“I’ll get my assistant to drive you.” He says sternly, and I feel like it’s more of a declaration than a proposition.

“Elliot, do you mind?”
 Mr. Jeon says to his brother, inviting him- or ordering him I don’t know really, out of the room. Eliott makes a childish sulky face, sliding off his stool. When his eyes land on me, he gives me a dazzling smile, holding his hand out.

“Mrs. Fair.” He says as I take his hand to shake it. He flips my hand and drops a light kiss on the back of it, enough for tickles of his lips to make me smile.

“Pleasure seeing you again.”
 He murmurs as I slip my hand out of his. I giggle softly, finding his over-the-top flirting quite charming and somewhat funny. He has always been like this as far as I remember, both with me and Ava. He is flirty but in a way that says he’s never going go too far, which made our meetings with him super pleasant.

“For me too.” I reply before watching him amble out of the room, all while avoiding the missiles his brother is throwing at him with his eyes.

“Get Jimin to drive you home.” Mr. Jeon says to his back, and he replies with a wave over his shoulder. When Eliott is out of sight, Mr. Jeon sighs deeply, clearing our wine glasses off the counter. Not knowing what to say, I watch him, twiddling my thumbs anxiously.

“While you’re still sober, how about actually getting to work?” He finally proposes, his tone icy. Being tipsy on the job, talk about professionalism. This has never happened to me before.

“I had no idea what was in that bottle.”
 I say defensively. It’s not my fault his brother is an interesting person.

"You’re right. I’m sorry.”
 He sighs again. “It’s his fault.”


He’s in the worst of moods now. I don’t feel comfortable.

“Maybe I should leave. I’ll get a taxi.” I propose, grabbing my purse.


“No.”
 He retorts, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“No, just…” He trails off, thinking.

“Have dinner with me.”
 He proposes. What?

“You’re not going to be that drunk if we get some food into your system.” He explains.

“I’m not sure that’s appropriate.” I mutter.

“It’s not.” He admits. 
“But you know how little I care about that.”

Mmmh. I’m not going to have dinner with him. Ever. It’s just an excuse to spend time with me in hopes to get me to open my legs. It’s high time we started actual work.


“I was thinking maybe you could give me a quick brief about what you want for the rooms.” I counter, and watch his eyebrows become a knot of confusion.

“We have to get to work someday.” I shrug a shoulder. Mr. Jeon sighs, defeated, and fumbles behind the counter once more. I hear the tap open and close.

“Here.” He drops a tall glass of water in front of me.
 “Drink this.”


“Thank you.” I reply, only too glad to drink it. As I start gulping down on my water, I hear his phone go off again. I watch him sigh out of annoyance while he looks at his phone.

“I’ll be back in a minute. Sorry.” He mutters before leaving me once more. As he disappears behind French doors, Eliott peeks from the door next to the stairs.

“Is he gone?” He asks me, eyes dancing with cheeky amusement.

“You’re still here?” I utter, my eyebrows meeting my hairline. He strolls to me, smiling from ear to ear.

“I made our mom call him.” He explains. That’s so childish. I giggle.

“He’ll be back in a second.” I remind him, but he waves a dismissive hand at me.

“What side of the house are you working on? The red room?”
 He asks once he’s next to me again, elbow on the counter.

“The red room?”

“He hasn’t showed you the red room?” He frowns. I copy him. What in the hell is the red room?


“Is that where the previous owner had his large parties?” I take a wild guess. Eliott chuckles at me.


“More like large orgies.”
 He clarifies. I look at him in a mix of shock and wonder.

“There’s an orgy room?”
 I utter, and I don’t know why I am so excited about it. I’m just really curious now. The owner threw orgies not parties in there. That’s why this place used to be so hard to get in.

“It’s a piece of work. Very sexual. Let me show you.”
 Eliott proposes, and it take me everything I have to refuse.

“I should wait for your brother. He’ll be back in a minute.”
 I tell him, not wanting to deal with angry Jeon again.

“It’s right across the room, we’ll hear him come back.”
 He argues, pointing towards the door behind me. It is right there!

“Okay.” I give in, hopping off my stool.

“It’s really something. Jungkook wants it gone but I like it.”
 He says right before pushing the double doors open. I walk into a gigantic, red leather-padded chamber. The first and unmissable thing that catches my eye is the sumptuous chandelier hanging over the center of the room. The walls are covered with all kinds of tools: floggers, whips, cuffs, gags, collars, leashes, canes, paddles and other sex toys. I have never smelled so much leather in my life, not even in my uncle's leather couch shop.

“Oh wow.” I breathe, my feet carrying me further in. There are round beds here and there, desks and chairs in other spots, 4 sex swings, one in each corner of the rooms, two huge wooden crosses with ties on them, and so many other things I can’t describe. This some hard core bdsm dungeon. At the center, right under the chandelier, lies a tailored circular bed propped up on a platform, almost like a stage, with red satin sheets and pillows. On that bed alone could fit 15 to 20 people. I can’t even imagine how many kinky middle-agers used to come here at once.

“You could fit a hundred people in there.” I observe, not knowing what else to say. It is very red, and very sexual. I’m just shocked this is here, but the design itself is beautiful and it would be a shame to remove it. I feel Eliott before I see him, his breath tickling the hair on my nape and making it stand alert.


“Two's just as fine.” He retorts, his voice low and quiet, just as the doors close behind us.

[chittsu]

college!au with Lucas

HARO EVLYONE!

it happened again. I did that. another college au is here and again, I hurt myself while writing this…… Lucas is so powerful, man… you’ll see how whipped I am below…

college!au; fluff c’mon it’s about this giant dork expect to sink in the feels sea; bulleted scenario; drinking game: take a shot every time you read the word ‘man’; 7161 words good lord thankfully it’s not over 9k or I’d be scared; LUCAS IS THE BEST BOY

summary: you might think that you have feelings for another boy, but when Lucas starts working with you, you quickly realize that you could be wrong about the perfect boy for you,,, or should I say,,, you are wong ;)

enjoy! :)

Lucas is popular at your university

he’s hard to miss with that height and that face and those muscles and this smile and that laugh

okay I think you get the point

he’s probably the most handsome guy on the campus and thanks to that, you can rarely see him without someone hanging on his neck

the fact that he’s a transfer student that can’t speak the language here too well is even better because - he speaks less = he seems more mysterious and that’s apparently what ladies like

on top of that, he’s just so positive? no one has ever seen this man sad or angry, he’s always smiling and talking to strangers as if they were his best friends 

he knows almost everyone and has lots of friends everywhere; whenever he appears on the campus he can’t go 5 meters without someone waving at him

or when he laughs loudly at Winwin’s joke, 20 people in the corridor laugh with him

he has some great achievements as a swimmer; he’s probably the most popular member of the uni’s swimming team thanks to all those fangirls dying to see him without his shirt on and with wet strands of his hair sticking to his forehead

he focuses mostly on the sport, as he got in this university thanks to a sport scholarship and he takes pride in it

and you’ve never expected yourself to interact with him but the moment he walks into your life (and steps on it but wait for that) is when he starts working with you

you’re a bartender at a club popular amongst students; you’ve been working there for a few months now and you feel pretty stable at this job

sometimes it’s hard to simultaneously study and work, but you need to earn money to pay your rent and be independent

the first time he shows up at work is already intense

he seems to walk in slow-motion, his bangs falling softly on his forehead before he pushes them back with his long fingers

he then waves at your manager and smiles at him, showing his perfect teeth

you stare at him but you can’t even blame yourself for that; this boy is glowing, everything about his is so eye-catching - it’s literally like a world-class actor came in

when his eyes land on you, your breath hitches

you start cleaning the bar eagerly because you should at least pretend to be working right

and that’s weird - you’re usually confident in yourself

but, I’ll say it again, Lucas is like a god so that’s fair

as every good k-drama goes, your manager tells you that the two of you will now work together and since you have more experience, you should help Lucas a lot at first

‘sounds like I just got promoted’

'I won’t pay you more if that’s what you’re thinking’

you force a smile and when he turns away from you to look at Lucas again, you roll your eyes HARD, earning an amused look from Lucas

after they talk about, what you suppose are some organization matters, Lucas joins you behind the bar

'I hope we will work together well’ he says, smiling at you confidently; you can imagine that he uses this smile as his weapon

'if you don’t change your clothes, I don’t think that’s possible’ you shrug, not giving him the reaction he usually gets

'y/n… behave please’

you roll your eyes at your boss again

'okay, follow me, I’ll show you where you can change’

you throw the cloth on the bar and go to the back of the club, not even checking if Lucas follows you; you show him his locker and give him the clothes he needs to wear and he even starts to take off his T-shirt before you leave the room like he doesn’t care

you RUN to the bar again and continue cleaning it; Lucas reappears pretty quickly wearing his bartender uniform; by that I mean, black buttoned shirt with black pants and a black apron

you can’t help but check him out when he finally meets you at the bar; the curves of his lips go up automatically like he knows that you know that he knows that he looks good

you love and hate that smugness of his; come on, with that face you’re pretty much prepared for him to be a jerk

you put on your best professional face

'so as you may know, I’m y/n. I’m supposed to teach you stuff but honestly, I don’t even know what I’m doing here so it might be difficult’

'sounds great’

’ … just, make the orders and keep the place clean. if there’s a problem-’

'then I’ll just smile and everything will be okay’

he shoots finger guns at you and you raise your eyebrows; he laughs loudly soon after, covering his mouth with his hand

'that might work tho’ you admit defeated

'on you?’ he asks eagerly, the spark in his eyes reminding you of a child getting Christmas presents; you’re about to discover that he always looks like this

'don’t even think about it but our boss seemed quite whipped if you ask me. NOW-…’

okay, let’s be real here

Lucas is kinda used to people throwing themselves at him wherever he goes; that’s the price he has to pay for being this attractive

and as much as he doesn’t want to take advantage of this, he’s quite self-confident

so when he finds out that he’ll be working with you, there’s this thought that this job might be easier than he expected; everyone would try to help him out as much as they can, right? which means, he wouldn’t need to try too hard

and he’s actually relieved to discover that it’s not the case with you

you don’t treat him like everyone else does

you jump right straight to the work, showing him some of the recipes and you actually expect him to do well; but luckily, he’s ambitious and he wants to be good at this job so he lets you see the focused and serious side of him

that makes you change your mind about him as well; you were expecting him to be lazy and not interested in this job unless it’s about flirting with the customers but you’re wrong about that

you start talking and you find out the reason for him taking this job

apparently, he doesn’t want to be a burden for his parents and wants to start living more independently; also, he has his hobbies and he wants to be able to spend his own money on them

you’re surprised at how hard he works on his first day; he obeys everything you say, he’s careful about the recipes and even though he might not be fast and making them yet, he tries to learn them by heart; also, it’s nice to have a strong colleague that lifts heavy boxes with so much ease

but well, the girls start to go insane very quickly

when they notice that he’s the bartender, you get a crazy amount of orders and it’s honestly one of the busiest nights you’ve ever worked on

Lucas sends multiple apologetic looks your way when he sees how fast you have to move because of him

he tries to keep up as much as he can, but the girls just keep on talking to him and ask him questions and there are just so many things he has to do at the same time that he feels like he’s going to go mad very soon

BUT in the midtime, your tip jar is getting fuller and fuller with every minute and it’s the first time you’ve seen something like this

and even if Lucas makes a mistake and gives a wrong drink to the wrong person, no one even cares

the relief you feel when you can finally change out of your uniform after the night = indescribable

you’ve just finished changing when Lucas comes into the staff room, the tip jar in his big hands; his eyes are bigger than usual and he’s not even smiling which you find incredibly disturbing

'hey, y/n… that was crazy, right’

'crazy? bro, I can’t feel my legs' 

'I know, I feel guilty about all of this so and I couldn’t even help you as much as I wanted to… so take this’

you eye the tip jar that he holds up your way, then his face again, then the tip jar again

'I can’t take this, we both worked for it’

'it’s not fair, I didn’t do as much as you’

'well, if you weren’t there I wouldn’t even get a single coin’

'just take this y/n, don’t make it harder’

'I’m NOT taking this’

'OKAY THEN, what do you think about that. let’s take the money and eat something really good together’

you furrow your eyebrows at him and your stomach growls with hunger as you couldn’t even go on a break because of the amount of work

'so it’s settled’ he smiles widely, putting the jar on the table before starting to unbutton his shirt

'okay but CAN YOU STOP UNDRESSING WHEN I’M IN THE SAME ROOM’

anyways, that evening you go to get the biggest pizza available because 1. Lucas eats A LOT 2. you eat a lot as well

and that’s the moment when you decide that you were completely wrong about Lucas; he’s such a fun guy to be with, talking with him is so easy and also dangerous because eating and laughing this hard at the same time is life-threatening

the first day of working with Lucas ends with both of you smiling brightly as you wave at each other before parting ways and you’re excited for more

what he likes the most about you is how unfiltered you are, how real and genuine you act with him compared to everyone else that pretends to be someone else just to catch his attention 

while you, you’re clumsy. weird. chaotic even.

he still remembers how hard he laughed at you when you slipped on the wet floor which you’d just washed

but he also remembers how hard YOU laughed then, you were unable to stand straight as your body kept shaking with laughter and he decided to come and help you up but guess what? he slipped too

and your boss found both of you laying on the wet floor, roaring with laughter 

that was probably the best icebreaker for you

ever since that unlucky incident, you find yourself smiling at Lucas more and more, even when he just asks you if you ran out of tequila

but he’s like that too; he can’t wipe the smile off his face and he constantly chuckles and giggles and whenever the two of you talk, you both radiate such positive energy

the moment Lucas shares his favourite memes with you is the moment you just know this friendship is real

when it’s one of those Tuesday shifts that you actually like since not many people visit the club then, you and Lucas can chill; usually, you either study or, well, look at memes

or watch something on netflix under the bar on Lucas’ phone since it’s as big as your laptop, sharing earphones casually; sometimes you just want to watch it peacefully but he keeps on pausing just to throw in some joke or comment that makes no sense but even then, his goofy face still makes you smile

he still flirts jokingly but you’re used to it

'can you take this outside Lu’

'okay but will you go out with me’

'I told you it doesn’t work with me’

'that’s why I like you’ and he shoots finger guns at you

he’s also extremely caring and protective; when you show up to work looking terrible as you haven’t slept in 2 days, he makes you go and take a nap in the staff room while he covers for you

or once, when an old man starts saying some nasty stuff to you, he just appears in front of you, blocking your view completely with his wide back and you’ve never seen him this serious

he stares at the guy dangerously and says 'I would like you to leave the club now sir’

and when the man argues and threatens to complain to the manager, Lucas just hits the bar with his fist so hard that the whole club shakes, making the man run away instantly

but when he turns to face you, his face is calm and bright again

'are you okay?’

he can be so cute also

you once find him studying something at work, under the bar and you’re like ! he’s ambitious

and since you know the topic pretty well, you offer help

you meet in the library and he randomly shouts EUREKA or AHA! when he understands something making everyone jop

and you’re like.. okay so that’s the last time we came here together

and when you meet in the corridor on campus, he waves like crazy your way, his face so so bright and so happy it almost gives you butterflies

sometimes, after you finish work, Lucas watches you disappear in a crowd wondering why you’re not attracted to him

it’s not that he wants you to; he likes this friendship and he finds you unique because of the way you act around him and whatever you two have is important to him

but he can’t help feeling slightly… disappointed?

there’s something Lucas doesn’t know about you yet

you have something going on with Jaehyun

and something is the essential word here

Jaehyun is known for being scared of commitment and for months you’ve been seeing each other without putting a label on it… but the situation exhausts you and makes you feel bad

you knew how he was yet still you developed feelings; how embarrassing is that, to get upset over a boy the way you do sometimes

you see him with other girls and you can’t do anything about it because, he’s not yours

you can go weeks without messaging each other, seeing each other and sometimes you even get used to your life when he’s not in it

but somehow, he always finds the moment when you’re ready to let him go and asks you to meet him

usually, it’s when no other naive girl wants to meet up with him

and somehow, you still fall into the trap

Lucas finds out about you and Jaehyun one time when he accidentally hears you talking

since Jaehyun is a member of a band that plays gigs at the club every weekend, Lucas never paid attention to how much time you actually spend talking to him - he thought it was natural, you knew each other well and worked at the same place

but he should have paid attention to how you talk with him

you just seem different whenever you’re near Jaehyun; you’re much calmer, much more graceful, either curling your hair on your finger or playing with the material of his jacket’s sleeve

so after Jaehyun leaves, Lucas approaches you with his eyebrows furrowed and you welcome him with a smile

'who was that’

’… Jaehyun, you know him’

'no, I mean that girl talking to him’

you lift your chin confused, your eyebrows furrowed now as well

’… I was the only one talking to him’

'that?? that wasn’t you, you didn’t snort even ONCE’

and then you, well, snort unwillingly and he just throws up his hands basically yelling 'SEE’

'come on Lu, don’t be dramatic. that’s what people do when they like someone’

'oh, pretend? I don’t do that’

you roll your eyes at him, finding the way he reacts a little exaggerated but you also don’t know how to deal with him when he’s like that

'well, not everyone’s perfect like you, Xuxi’

'listen, it’s not okay man. you’re a great person, you’re funny and smart. why would you pretend to be different? this guy doesn’t know it yet but he’s missing out man’

you blink a few times, your eyes not leaving his serious face; his chocolate eyes and pouty lips; the warmth that spreads in your body makes you feel a little uneasy and the only thing you can say now is 

’… bro’

he swallows suddenly and diverts his gaze towards the exit before it lands on you again; his perfect smile back on his face now

‘want me to drive you home after?’

'HELL YEAH but quick question, will we survive this?’

'just look at me’

and he turns around in, what seems like, slow motion and when your eyes meet again, his playful smile has already changed into his charming, lady-killer smile

'do I look dead to you’

'did I really have to check you out to make this judgement’

'that was a bonus’

and he winks

you hit his chest with your fist, which was a stupid idea because his chest is way harder than you expected it to be, earning a laugh from him

he doesn’t know it yet, but what he said really moved you; you just suck at expressing your gratitude 

anyways, after work you stand together in front of the exit, watching his big, black motorcycle 

he zips up his leather jacket, his face so smug and so confident that you almost want to push him; he side-eyes you, the longer strands of his black hair meeting his forehead, giving him some retro charm

'you’re not scared, are you?’

'me? scared? very unlikely’

'I was just judging by the way you’re squeezing your purse now’

your knuckles are white now and your ears are starting to get red; you press your lips into a straight line from embarrassment and Lucas, again, chuckles

he offers you the helmet, his voice calmer and deeper when he speaks

'I’ll drive slowly. don’t worry, you’re safe with me’

you look up at him, your eyes reflecting the street lights and Lucas’ smile fades; he clears his throat before putting the helmet on your head, a little too suddenly

before you can put it on properly, Lucas is already sitting on the motorcycle; he pats the place behind him

'Lucas, if we end up dead, I’LL KILL YOU’

he shakes with laughter and your face brightens proudly; you sit just behind him, letting your hands wrap around his waist… in a completely friendly, don’t-want-to-get-killed way

'hold on tight, m'lady’

Lucas adds so much excitement to your life; you never expected yourself to be excited to go to work as you do recently or to watch bad movies just to make fun of them with him

and look at you know, you’re riding a motorcycle with him; your cheek pressed to his back, your hair blowing in the wind, with the stupidest grin on your face, doing something you’ve never thought you’d do

Lucas enjoys it as much as you do; the smile is playing on his lips whenever he feels your hands grabbing on the material of his leather jacket

it almost ends too quickly for you

'we’re here ma'am’

'what? already?’

'oh, look at you! weren’t you pissing your pants before?’

you slap his back jokingly before focusing on taking off your helmet; he watches you above his arm and your gaze stops on his side profile for a little too long

'thanks for not getting us killed’ you say, your feet finally landing on the ground 'be careful on your way home’

he waves at you, his lips spreading in a big, warm smile and he watches you until he’s sure that you made it to your block safely

because you’re so focused on Lucas, you almost forget about Jaehyun; he hasn’t messaged you in some time and when he shows up at the bar, you’re either busy with work or talking to Lucas and you don’t even know that it irks Jaehyun a lot

one Saturday, he comes up to your bar, leaving the rest of his bandmates at their usual table; the way he looks at you makes you nervous already, but since Lucas is at the back of the club, you have to serve him

'what can I get for you?’

'are you and Lucas a thing now?’

you smirk, grabbing a glass to clean it; his eyes are so intense you can’t look into them

'why, does it bother you?’

'of course it bothers me, the girl I’ve been seeing is constantly with another guy now’

'so that’s the problem? I’m the problem here? we’re not even a couple Jaehyun, and you’re the reason for it’

'well, I guess you don’t even care about it now that you have Lucas, huh?’

'and it’s you telling me that? you meet a different girl every week’

'well, at least I change them and Lucas? he’s always around you, it’s been like that for months now and it makes me look like an idiot’

'are you for real now? are you drunk?’

'it’s not something you should care about anymore, y/n’

and he pushes his body off the bar and joins his bandmates again with long, angry strides; only after he’s out of your sight, you let your body shake with the emotions and nerves

'Y/N DID YOU SEE WE HAVE A MOUSE NO- wait’

Lucas stumbles into the club but stops abruptly, seeing you dead serious like this; his whole face falls and he appears next to you in no time, his hands rubbing your shoulders to calm you down

'hey hey hey, what’s wrong?’

'I… I need to go outside for a bit, okay?’

he just nods his face but his lips become pouty which expresses how worried he is about you now; he looks around, trying to find a sign of what could have happened and when his eyes meet Jaehyun’s, he knows

he takes off his apron and leaves it at the bar, making his way to Jaehyun; he seems unstoppable

'oh, there he is. how is it going with y/n?’ Jaehyun asks, sitting more comfortably in his seat

'listen’ Lucas starts, his voice so dark that Jaehyun stops smirking immediately 'be careful around her, she doesn’t deserve your shit. if I see her hurt one more time because of you, we’ll have a big problem here’

and not giving him the time to respond, Lucas goes back to work

he can sense that you don’t want to talk about it, so when you come back to the club, he changes the topic and keeps you distracted

only when you’re cleaning the bar as the last task of that night, he says 'you know what, let’s go to a party! Yuta is throwing one on Friday’

'bro, I’m not invited’

'because he knew you’d come with me’ he shrugs, sending you one of the winks that you roll your eyes at

you sigh, cleaning the bar quicker now 'I don’t think I want to go’

'I checked my sources, he who shall not be named won’t be there’

your eyes travel to his completely calm and unfazed face; his eyebrows quirk up as if he’s asking what’s wrong

'did you really ask around for that’

'yeah’

he just shrugs, as it’s a normal thing but you’re once again overwhelmed with his caring nature and you have the urge to hug him now that you resist

'bad news tho, we’re working on Friday’

he puts his hand out in front of your face and smirk, before pointing at himself

'fear not m'lady, this face will get you anything’

and you just, scrunch your whole face from the cheesiness and reach to his cheek, squeezing it like he’s a baby

however, he was right

it’s a miracle but he manages to convince your boss to give you a day off and even if you don’t want to, you just have to go to the party now

Lucas feels responsible for you and he even picks you up from your apartment and drives you there

he tries to spend as much time with you as he can, but you get reminded of how popular he is and how many friends he has; every time he finds you and chats with you, there’s someone dragging him away from you

and usually it’s a girl trying to get him to dance with him; he’s too nice to decline most of the time, but even when he’s dancing with someone else, his eyes always find you

you stick to your group of friends but something’s wrong with your mood today; you just watch all of the couples - like Taeyong with his girlfriend slow-dancing to an upbeat song like nothing matters, their eyes not leaving each other for even a second - or especially your best friend with Taeil who you used to have a big crush on before, and your mind seems blocked 

you spend most of the time with Hyuck and his date and they’re so fun to be with, you’re laughing a lot whenever you with them but you just have to leave them alone when you see how Hyuck looks at her as if he wants to kiss her so badly

you find your oasis in the bathroom

sitting in the bathtub with the door closed never seemed so relaxing; you take a few deep breaths and check your phone, finding no new messages but you look at cute dog pics so it’s fine

then, you see Lucas’ name on the screen; he’s asking where you are so you tell him

he joins you in the bathroom soon; he locks the door after coming in, and he takes in your current state; you also take in how handsome he looks with his dark hair pushed back with gel and his shirt fitting his body perfectly

'did you drink a lot? why are you hiding here?’

'no, I guess I’m just not in the mood for a party’

he exhales, letting his body rest on the edge of the bathtub

'sorry, I shouldn’t have made you come here if you didn’t want to’

'no Lu, it’s fine. the idea was great, it’s just that there’s something wrong with me apparently’

'what do you mean?’

you catch his gaze and you sigh, feeling stupid immediately; you prop your head on your head

 'is it… because of him?’

'I don’t know anymore. the worst thing is that I knew it was gonna be like that with him and yet I still went with it’

'why?’

'I guess I just wanted to feel how it is to be loved without getting too serious, too real. it’s scary’

'you deserve to be loved for real, y/n’

he falls silent, turning his gaze away from you to be able to think straight; you watch his side profile closely, your eyes taking in every inch of his skin

'why don’t you have anyone tho? there are queues asking for your number in the club every night’

'I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m childish’

your forehead wrinkles, your gaze getting so intense that Lucas senses the way you look at him and returns the look

'yes, you’re goofy and childish sometimes but you’re so much more than that, Lu. you’re so positive, warm, caring and smart. you make me smile so much, do you even realize that?’

you watch his Adam’s apple moving when he gulps, his lips parting when he comes up with the response

'would you date me then?’

the atmosphere is so intense that for a moment there, you think he’s actually genuine about it; after a while, you let yourself smirk

'bro why do you keep asking this joke is getting old’

'I’m just waiting for you to change your answer’

you’re almost unable to hear this as someone starts knocking on the door loudly and screaming to open up

but you do hear it

Lucas takes your hand in his to help you up from the bathtub

when you’re out of the bathroom, you go straight to the kitchen to grab a drink, not expecting to see Jaehyun there

but for some reason, your heart doesn’t jump in your chest at his sight

he eyes Lucas who’s standing behind you; the corner of his lips lifts up in an ironic smile

'can I see you alone y/n, or are you dragging him with you everywhere nowadays?’

'don’t start, Jaehyun’

you’re surprised to see Lucas this tense; it’s like he’s sending daggers Jaehyun’s way and Jaehyun doesn’t back out in that battle as well

he comes closer to Lucas and looks him in the eyes

'isn’t it difficult to like someone who doesn’t like you back? you must be hurt whenever you see y/n with me, huh?’

and Lucas can’t take this anymore

he pushes Jaehyun powerfully; his body lands on the kitchen counter and before you can apprehend the situation, Lucas punches Jaehyun and they start fighting right before your eyes

thanks to Johnny and Yuta, you’re able to pull them away from each other but their fierce gazes and shaky breaths imply that they might jump to each other throats anytime again

you put your hand on Lucas’ shoulder to get his attention; he rips his gaze off Jaehyun just to see your big eyes and his body melts

you take in the sight of his face expression changing so quickly when he meets your eyes; something in your chest rises when you see his lip bleeding

'let’s go, okay?’

you apologize to Yuta and everyone who witnessed this before going out of the house with Lucas right behind you

‘y/n, I’m sorry, they said he wouldn’t be there and-’

you stop next to his motorcycle and he halts too

'why did you fight with him? are you really this dumb Lucas? you could have pulled a muscle, what about your competition next week?’

you don’t notice the way his face softens immediately

'is it really something you worry about? aren’t you curious if he’s okay?’

you just let out a big sigh before bringing you fingers to the blood on his lips; he hisses with pain

but when he looks down on you, the both of you freeze; your index finger brushes against the skin on his cheek, and you don’t even realize it; his face moves towards your palm, wanting to feel your warmth and he doesn’t realize it as well

you take your hand away from him

'can you… take me home?’

the next time you meet at work, it’s another busy night for you two and you forget about everything that happened on the party because,, there’s just,, so,, much,, to do

well, you don’t exactly forget about what happened - it just seems like both of you ignore it

around 3 AM, it finally starts to get a bit calmer and you’re even able to go to the bathroom

you leave your phone on the bar and excuse yourself

and Lucas really doesn’t want to do it, but when you get a text, his eyes travel to your phone automatically

and when he sees Jaehyun’s name there, he takes the phone in his hands

he can’t believe his eyes, seeing how Jaehyun wants you to meet him again

he’s about to throw a fit, he wants to go out and find Jaehyun and punch him again right now but then

'what do you think you’re doing’

Lucas turns around quickly, exposing himself with your phone in his hand; you furrow your eyebrows, he gulps

'I’m sorry, it’s not like that, I just-’

you snatch your phone from his hand; your gaze stays focused on the words that Jaehyun sent and you don’t move

'y/n, I’m sorry. I just have enough of this dude and I don’t want you involved with him’

'why? why are you so protective?

'he keeps on hurting you and you let him, if I need to fight him again to change this then I will’

'it’s still my choice to make, you have no right to look through my messages like this’

'I feel stupid, I’ll never do it again, just…’ his eyes travel all around the room before he manages to let it out 

'please, don’t meet him’

your shoulders drop at the sight of him like this, so vulnerable and worried; he plays with his fingers waiting for your response anxiously and your heart sinks

you delete the message from Jaehyun and put your phone in your pocket; you speak after gulping heavily

'I won’t meet him’

'you won’t?’

'it’s time to stop being naive. you’re right. I deserve to be loved’

one of the corners of his lips lifts and his mouth stretch into a wide grin; his hand finds its way to your hair and he ruffles them softly

'I’m relieved now’

'Lu, was he right then? is that why you punched him?’

Lucas stops, blinking a few times before he finally understands; he expects to see the disappointment in your eyes but when he doesn’t, it gives him the courage to speak

'I… I care about you, okay? and I don’t want to see you cry. I don’t want you near Jaehyun. I don’t want you sad, hurt or sick man’

his lips, again, get all pouty and his big, round eyes look straight into yours; this time, you welcome the heavy feeling in your chest gladly 

you stretch your hands towards him; he puts his hand on the back of your head and brings your face to his chest, your whole body fitting perfectly with his in a hug

his hands travel up and down your back and you press your body even closer to his to get more of his warmth

you feel him kissing the top of your head before he pulls away from you and for a second your heart seems so close to exploding

'now, m'lady, it’s time to clean!’

'no, Lu, do it alone, I’ll pay you’

‘you can’t afford me’

and like that, all the tension disappears; you and Lucas go back to what you had before and act like the bestest of friends at work but also on the campus

you help him study at his dorm, getting to know his friends better but they also visit you two at the club and sometimes, you and Lucas don’t have the time to talk alone even

you go out to eat regularly after work thanks to the tips Lucas still gets

and you even go to his swimming practises to cheer him on,,, you also see him shirtless and suddenly you don’t mind him changing next to you in the staff room

you also cut things with Jaehyun completely; he seems sincere when he apologizes to you and you know that deep inside, he isn’t that bad

but he’s bad for you

and there’s someone so much better right next to you, someone that you would trust with anything - also your heart

you watch Lucas swim across the swimming pool, you two are the only ones there at the moment

when he finishes, he throws his arms in the air and yells 'YEAAH!’ as if he won the Olympics or something

and you laugh at him, shaking his head

he comes out of the water, drying his hair with a towel messily; he then hangs it on his shoulder and sits at the edge of the swimming pool next to you

'was I cool’

'yeah, but then you screamed’

'I just can’t keep the emotions inside man’

you look at him with your eyes smiling and he shrugs smugly

'you know, you haven’t asked me if I wanted to go out with you for a while now’

'you told me to stop joking like this and you know I’m obedient’ his hand travels to his ear that filled up with water

'the answer might have changed’

Lucas stops; he tilts his hand and presses his lips together, waiting for you to continue; you look down on your hands before speaking up again

'I know, it’s sudden and it makes no sense but I love spending time with you. you make me feel so important and with you, I can’t stop smiling… I just want you to know that I think I like you’

his expression doesn’t change, he’s still serious and he tries to find out if you’re honest by looking into your eyes

'only after meeting you, I realised that whatever feelings I had for Jaehyun, they weren’t real. he has never made me feel the same way I feel when I’m with you and I needed some time to realise that, but I finally did’

he brushes the hair from your face, a smug smile appearing on his face

'will you go out with me then?’

your nose scrunches when you laugh and you get overwhelmed when you feel his fingers tracing the skin of your palm before he intertwines your fingers

'I’d love to’

and you don’t expect him to screech the way he does, covering his face with his other hand as if he just heard the cringiest thing in the world

and you to calm him down but you also laugh out loud; you’re both not able to contain your smiles

he moves his face closer to you and kisses your nose first, then his lips find yours and he pecks them a few times sloppily before finally, landing your first proper kiss on them

he presses his wet body to yours and shivers overcome your whole body and you’re getting wet as well but you don’t care

eventually, Lucas drags you into the water with him and after you yell at him, you begin splashing each other with water and kissing and laughing maniacally

he warns you though

he says that he was never serious with anyone before and he might turn out to be the worst boyfriend ever

but it’s totally not the case

you’ve never imagined yourself to be so happy 

he’s still your best friend and still behaves the same way as before; every time you’re with him your cheeks hurt from laughing and you can’t contain your happiness

he’s still caring; when you’re sick he makes sure you take care of yourself; he calls you after your studying sessions and keeps talking to you until he knows you’re asleep - because you tend to stay up late and then you’re like a zombie the next day

he’s still protective; whenever someone talks to you without showing respect, he just appears next to you and asks them politely to change their ways

his words might be polite but his gaze sure isn’t

he gives AMAZING hugs, it’s like your body melts into his and you weigh nothing; one hug of his and you suddenly have no problems, life is beautiful and flowers are blooming

and the feeling of his hand holding yours? indescribable

it makes you feel extremely safe and reassured like there’s nothing that’s impossible for you

whenever he laughs at your jokes, you feel like the funniest person in the world and you just want to make him laugh and laugh and laugh; his chuckles sounded obnoxious once but now they’re the best sound in the world in your ears

and when he looks at you with his big brown eyes, you feel so beautiful; when he smiles at you, you feel like you can do anything

you sometimes can’t believe how lucky you are to have this big dork next to you; when he falls asleep while studying with you in the library (yeah you take him there again), you count his eyelashes and trace your fingers across his cheeks and play with his soft hair and just, admire how handsome and perfect he is

he’s also unstoppable

whenever he sees your gaze falling to his plump lips, he just goes for it and cups your face in his big hands and kisses you hungrily, as if he hadn’t just kissed you a few minutes ago

he loves giving you random kisses

at work, you can be just making an order for something when he suddenly comes up to you and gives you a peck on the cheek unexpectedly and it leaves you blushing EVERY.TIME.

still, your random make-out sessions in the staff room make you blush the most

or when you’re explaining something to him, he just shuts you up with a quick kiss

and you look at him with a straight face because,,, you were talking about some real important stuff,, but when he grins at you and his cheeks go up like this, you can’t even be mad

he’s so proud to show you off in front of everyone; he’s always holding your hand or having his arm around your shoulder or just touching you in some way

and your friends are as positive as him, they love you

and whenever you interact with them as if they were all your best friends of 12 years, he just lights up with pride

the thing is, none of the people that had a crush on him before seems mad about him being in a relationship? they actually seem to love him even more because seeing you two interact makes everyone’s hearts just go crazy

you’re so incredibly sweet together, you don’t even fight

Lucas would hate himself forever if he ever hurt you; so,,,, he just lets you win all the time

there was only one fight between the two of you, early in your relationship and he cried and you cried and you just ended up hugging and comforting each other on the floor

since then, Lucas has decided to never start a fight and since you’re easy-going as well, you don’t really need to fight

you both shower each other with compliments and support all the time; your texts are filled with heart emoji and memes basically

but you secretly love the moments when you lay down in your bed talking about everything just before you doze off; none of you knows exactly what you’re talking about it but it’s just so wholesome and listening to his deep, hushed voice just makes you fall in love with him again and again

in conclusion, you’re so in love with Lucas and you tell him that for the first time after he wins a competition

he’s all wet and tired and not breathing properly even, when you throw yourself at him

and he lifts you up and twirls with you in his arms and you leave sloppy kisses all over his face

'I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you..’

'I LOVE YOU TOO MAN’

’…. is 'man’ your pet name for me’

and he laughs hysterically and you just shake your head before joining in

so yeah, you’re undoubtedly in love with the biggest dork of them all, Lulu

you once get startled when you come across Jaehyun on the campus; you squeeze Lucas’ hand to warn him not to do anything stupid

but Jaehyun smiles at the two of you and acts incredibly friendly? 

you’re not friends with him but you’re in good terms; actually, you’ve heard some stories about him falling in love? 

but that’s… a story for another time >:)

masterlist

[jahe]

Weird Rumor

"Professor Kim Junwan with dr. Jang? Seriously?" a nurse tried so hard to lowering her surprised voice when one of her colleague passing the rumor between nurses at the cafetaria in the late of the night.

"I saw them with my own eyes too, when was it? Around 2 days ago? They were getting their late dinner here and Prof Kim looked at her lovingly!"

"I can't believe it," said the other.

"But think about that, their personalities are kinda similar so maybe they clicked?" said the fourth nurse.

"Ya ya ya! They are coming!" suddenly one of them shaking her hand, signaled them to stop. All four nurses slowly looking at the cafetaria entrance, there you go Prof Kim and dr. Jang casually walked side by side toward cafetaria counter.

Junwan looked at his left side where Gyeoul standing suspiciously close, "Do you want double portion of the rice?" he asked her, almost in whisper that made the four nurses at quite far away spiked in curiosity.

"Hmmm..." Gyeoul was thinking, "are you going to have double portion, Prof?" she asked back.

"Nah, I ate ramyeon an hour ago so I just want to eat some light food," he answered while eyeing the bread menus at the end of the counter.

"Then I will have the regular portion."

"Regular dinner set, one chestnut bread and glass of milk," Junwan relied the order to the cafetaria staff and proceeded to pay. When they got their orders, they walked to one of empty table passing a group of nurses. Gyeoul bowed politely to them and the nurses just nodded their heads in awkwardness. Then the two of them enjoying their late dinner in peace.

"Yah," one nurse whispered very carefully to others, "I think you are right."

* * *

It has been 2 months since Valentine’s Day, the rumor of Professor Kim Junwan dating dr. Jang Gyeoul slowly become quite louder, almost all the nurses from all the department knew it. Being an inssa, such rumor won't go passed through Ikjun to waste.

"Ya, Jang Gyeoul!" Ikjun barged into GS room and yelled when he spotted Gyeoul, sitting on the chair and reading the patients chart by the big table.

"Yes, Prof?" Gyeoul answered immediately, thinking that there is some emergency case.

"I heard a weird rumor," said Ikjun while dragging a chair to sit beside Gyeoul. The girl only looked at her Professor with curiosity, “don’t you dating Jeongwon?”

She nodded, "why, Prof?"

"The inpatient's nurse asked me whether you and Junwan dating and that was quite surprising me, why such rumor is happening, my dear Gyeoul?"

"Oh, that because Prof Kim promised to treat me either lunch or dinner." Gyeoul answered nonchalantly.

"Why?" Ikjun asked more, unknown to him Gyeoul bit her inner lips to suppressed her nervousness. "Did Jeongwon asked him to treat you since he is busy?"

"Uh... maybe?" she wavered. Ikjun narrowed his eyes in suspicion, this Gyeoul he knew can't conned herself, she definitely has something on Junwan but she swore a secrecy to his Changwon bro. Whatever it is he should really dig on carefully.

* * *

A week had passed and actually Ikjun was totally wrong. Though Gyeoul couldn't act to help herself in certain problem, she actually a loyal person by not easily spilled the dirt than Junwan has. Maybe he needs another time.

"Ya, Jeongwon," Jeongwon turned his head to looked at Ikjun while blew the hot cup ramyeon. "I think Gyeoul has something on Junwan, did she tell you something?"

"I tried to dig about that too but she only apologized to me and said she swore to secrecy to Junwan, so I couldn't pressed more about it."

"You softie."

"Ya! Why I am softie! I just want to respect her."

"I know I know, it just irked me to death since it seems only me that doesn't have something on him."

Jeongwon kept silent, actually he really wanted to know what Gyeoul had on Junwan but with the fact that he never tell what happened in Hawaii even to Gyeoul--she didn't asked too-- so it was only fair to not pressing the matter at all, after all Jeongwon quite relieved that Junwan taken care of her when he was busy

* * *

"Thanks a lot for the food, Prof." Gyeoul said after finished her glass of corn tea.

"No problem," Junwan answered while still digesting his tteokppeoki. "It is already 2 months I treat you food and I still amazed how you beat me in term of eating speed."

Gyeoul smiled shyly. "By the way, Prof, why don't you just tell Prof Lee Ikjun that you are dating his sister? Doesn't it better to come clean than treating me food? You have spend a lot..."

Junwan looked at Gyeoul that seemed sincerely bothered by constant treatment. He silently snorted, this girl is really something.

"I always missed the timing," he sighed thinking a lot of time when he wanted to come clean but there were always something that made his plan cancelled. Every damn time to the extent he suspect Ikjun actually sensed that he is dating his sister.

"But it is almost a year already, no?" Gyeoul asked.

Junwan sighed more. "Actually I am scared," he said.

"Why?"

"I don't know I am just scared that Ikjun against to our relationship." Junwan hanged his head low. "You know, before Iksun my relationship with girls never last long, so I think Ikjun will dislike the idea that I am toying with his sister."

"But you are not, Prof. It has been more than months."

"Right?" Junwan smiled and exhaled. "But I think I need to sort out my relationship first before come out clean."

Gyeoul frowned a bit, what to sort out though? Based on how Prof Kim talked so softly and full of love at the phone when she accidentaly caught him red-handed, seems like his relationship is okay... but who is she anyway, she is not someone that pro at dating and relationship, it was only 5 months more or less she is dating someone and that this is her first time relationship.

"Anyway don't ever think you burdened me, instead I owe you a lot. You are trying so hard to keep this secret even from your resident friends also I know my friend and Jeongwon tried to dig infos from you."

"That's okay, Prof. I know when I need to keep secret." Gyeoul smiled.

"You are a treasure, really. Jeongwon this prick really need to sort out his schedule so that he can bring you to dates outside."

Gyeoul smiled shyly, "I don't mind it, he did it for his patients."

"Tsk tsk tsk, look at you... really you two are matchmade in heaven."

* * *

Some nurses and hospital staffs were glancing at them when Junwan and Gyeoul walked side by side after lunch outside of the hospital. Both were conscious enough what happened at the hospital, they knew the rumor but they could care less.

"Yo, Jeongwon!" Junwan shouted when he caught a glimpse of Jeongwon by the corridor to PICU. Jeongwon turned his head to saw Junwan and Gyeoul walked over to him. "Ya, don't be so busy and start treat you girlfriend out for lunch."

Jeongwan sighed and looked in sorry, either to Gyeoul or to his own self. "Thanks for treat my girlfriend lunch, Professor Kim Junwan," he bowed jokingly to his friend. "How was the food?" he then asked Gyeoul.

"It was delicious, thanks to Prof Kim I ate well."

"Alright, I need to be back. See you soon!" said Junwan to both of them and turned his heels to opposite path but halted and back looked at Gyeoul, "You should join our dinner sometime, ask Jeongwon to treat us.. that's how he can pay me back." Junwan smirked mischievously at her and Gyeoul only can chuckled.

"Ya Junwan!" Jeongwon protested but Junwan already turned back and only waved his hand.

* * *

Weeks later the weird rumor still circulated until one of the hospital staff caught Gyeoul walked hand in hand with Jeongwon in Hongdae on Saturday night. And that's how another rumor is made.

[mor-beck-more-problems]

Are You Lepre-Kidding Me || Morgan & Mina

Making friends is hard. #cursed

@drowningisinevitable

Morgan was relieved to have another shot at a normal work friend with a normal work lunch. The whole dishonesty about magic and beautiful weirdness thing wasn’t a fun time, but it was a bargain she was familiar with. Familiar could be comforting. And Mina seemed so nice. Morgan was happy to venture to the maths and engineering quad where a thai fusion truck liked to park and catch the hungry students coming out of their four hour labs. Morgan rocked on her heels as she stood in line, trying to figure out if Mina was already there. She fidgeted with a new pendant she’d crafted for herself, amethyst wrapped in gold, and checked her phone again, sending Mina a quick message: In line! Trying to will the sun back with floral prints.

Mina had been in the quad for about five minutes (five and a half, but who was counting?) and had already ordered a bowl of shrimp and fried rice when she got Morgan’s message. She sent back quickly that she’d snagged a table in the back right corner of the quad and settled in to wait for a few more minutes. She was excited; Mina’d always had a bit of trouble making friends. She and her dad never really settled anywhere for too long, and, if they did, never for longer than a year and a half. She’d thought she’d make more friends as she settled in to White Crest, but she was always feeling that niggling in the back of her head about her promise to her father, and, yeah, there was a small (very small, so small) piece of her that didn’t want to have to fulfill it anytime soon. It made her wary and awkward around people, never knowing what to expect from them. It was time for a change, though. It was time to connect with people.

Morgan stiffened with nervousness. Mina was already here. Morgan searched the tables as the line shifted up and ordered the noodle special. She paid for her food and wandered around until she saw her. Something about the way she almost vibrated in her seat reminded Morgan of her messages. She stopped, smiling hopefully. “Are you Mina…?” She asked. “It’s Morgan. Me. I’m Morgan, hi!” She gave another cursory look around the tables, just in case she had it wrong. There was a weird sound in the bushes, she thought, but perhaps it was her own anxiety manifesting its own soundtrack. It wouldn’t be the weirdest thing to happen to her lately.

Jiggling her foot, Mina’s head whipped up as the other woman walked up to her. She smiled brightly. “Hey! Hi! Hey, Morgan! Yes, I’m Mina. It’s really nice to meet you. In person. Nice to meet you in person.” Okay, stop talking, she told herself. Something rustling in the bushes caused her to pause, just for a second, before she turned her attention back to Morgan. Birds, probably, she thought, though she felt a bit… off. The off feeling wasn’t coming from Morgan, though, and Mina really couldn’t be more grateful. She’d have cried if Morgan had been Fae. She really would have. “Have you had food from the thai truck, yet? I know you’re probably usually on the other side of campus, but they’re actually really good!”

Morgan beamed with relief and took a seat across from Mina. “Oh, good! It would’ve been really awkward if I’d put all that energy out at a random person. Not that I haven’t done it a few times before, but, you know.” She smiled brightly and looked the girl over, trying to get a better sense of her. She seemed even more anxious than Morgan, even more eager. Morgan wondered what she had to be nervous about, if it was her brain working overtime or if something had happened to make her expect something to go wrong. She knew both impulses well, and it made her feel a little endeared to her. “I haven’t, actually. I’m usually at the soup place on the arts quad, but this looks so yummy! Highly recommended by my freshmen, but they eat just about anything, I think, so I’m not sure how much that’s worth.” She sniggered into her noodles and took a bite. “It’s a shame we haven’t run into each other before now. It’s so stuffy in the office space, and it’s just medievalist and modernist bros making themselves feel superior. Well, less so, now that some of them are uh, missing with this eternal night thing.” And less so since she’d threatened one with murder. Morgan hadn’t thought she’d been very convincing, but the novelty factor must have worked in her favor. This, however, didn’t seem like making-friends material. “But what about you! I don’t picture it being very different in the math department, but, you know, it’d be nice if it was.”

“I understand the feeling,” Mina said with a smile. She was constantly putting out too much energy and hoping it went out the right way, and she often ended up screwing up. One time, she’d brought her father someone that she thought was a vampire but clearly wasn’t a vampire, and he’d only barely managed to catch her mistake in time. After that, they’d stuck to having her identify Fae. Speaking off, she was feeling something strange, but… no. She was imagining things. “Oh, I know all about freshmen appetites.” She wrinkled up her nose a bit. “One of the frat boys I tutor said the other day that a friend dared him to eat spray cheese on a marshmallow, which he did, of course, and he liked it. However, the Thai truck is no joke really good! I almost always grab a bite from here unless I pack lunch.” She frowned as Morgan talked about some of her coworkers. “Yeah, the, uh, the math masters program is, I’m sure you can guess, quite small. Quite. Most of my colleagues are… very nice gentlemen at times.” Most of them really weren’t bad, but there were two or three that she really wouldn’t mind just taking home to Dark Score and not drowning them. Not completely, at least. Mina gave Morgan a big smile. “But it’s certainly nice to meet someone outside of the department and outside of tutoring! I’m all about differential equations, but… it’s nice to not think about numbers!” 

Morgan had no problem believing Mina had problems with awkward first impressions. But whatever the cause, there was something kind under it all. Morgan smirked about the frat boy, and her colleagues. It seemed pretty clear there was a whole other word besides ‘gentlemen’ that she wanted to use. She smiled warmly at her as she gathered another scoop of noodles. “That’s fair. Although I do know something about those too. And, much as I can and will talk about books all day, it’s good to just, you know, be normal sometimes.” Or normal-ish. Normal-ish for humans, anyway. “I don’t really have any gal-pals up here. And I’m not really sure the TA bros would even get some of of--” Morgan never finished her thought. With a strangled yelp, her head snapped back, and just before she hit the ground, she saw a strange, wormy-gray looking critter leap on top of her forehead and reach for her neck.

This was nice, Mina thought as she ate a bite of shrimp. Nice company, nice food, a nice day (well, night). She could do this. Really, she could. “Right, you also teach some chemistry classes, yes? That’s really cool! But, I agree, it’s very nice to be normal.” Mina felt something kindred with Morgan, especially when she mentioned not having any gal-pals around. Mina didn’t have any pals at all, really. She agreed, and she would have told Morgan as much as soon as the other woman stopped speaking, except for one (or, rather, several) small problem: leprechauns. Brave ones, too, as one immediately took to Morgan, leaping on her. “No, no, no!” Mina yelped. She looked around the courtyard and, wow, just them and the leprechauns. Lunch must be over for most. There were too far in the back for the food truck guy cleaning up to see them, not in the dark, and-- Leprechauns. Mina needed to focus on the leprechauns. “Hey! Back off!” They wouldn’t bother her, not with her Fae blood, but Morgan was another story. Mina attempted to grab the one that was on Morgan as she told the other woman, “Iron! Need iron!”

Many, many strange things were happening at once. For starters, Morgan was on the ground, staring at a new upside-down world peopled with more strange gray faces, like something out of a scary children’s movie. They were toddling towards her, making strange noises that set her teeth on edge. Then Mina was there, throwing one off her and calling for...iron? Wasn’t that just a supernatural know-how thing? But Morgan didn’t have time to think. She was too busy scrambling onto her knees and looking for something, anything, to transmute. Her catch-all bag was too far and now there was one pulling on her ankle. Morgan screamed and tore out her hair clip and slammed it on her cuff, making--one tiny rod with a pointy end, not even the full length of her hand. Morgan held onto it tight as she was dragged back by too many tiny hands. She hooked one arm around the leg of the picnic table and thrust the other out to Mina. She seemed to know what she was doing. The why part could come later. 

Mina’d already tore a section of the bottom of her sweater off and wrapped it around her hand as she watched the leprechauns bearing down on them Of course, of course, the one time she actually begins to enjoy lunch on campus, and leprechauns decided to come along and ruin it. The one that she threw off of Morgan was looking at her in complete confusion, unable to comprehend that she’d chosen the other woman over a fellow Fae. Mina snatched the rod of iron from Morgan, grateful that the other woman was a magic user as she watched the hair clip transmutate, and it felt hot even through the cloth around her hand, but it was a familiar burn, and she should be somewhat protected. And, then, she went for one of the leprechauns around Morgan’s feet, lashing out with the rod. Many of them panicked at the approaching metal but seemed resolute in hounding their quarry. In their focus, they weren’t quite as fast as normal, and Mina took her chance, grabbing one and shoving the iron rod under its jaw and through its skull. Then she went at another one. To Morgan, she said, “I don’t suppose you can find a way to do that again?”

Morgan scrambled up and onto the table as soon as she was free, pulling her bag up with her. She wasn’t sure what the plan was besides ‘don’t get maimed,’ But seeing the pointy end of her rod go through one of the little gray head made her yelp and spill everything from her catch-all bag. Less rummaging. More doing. “Uhh, sort of?” She found the rod she’d been gifted and held it up like a bat. Only-- right. They were all at her ankles, and the second Morgan jumped down from the table, they were at it again. She swung down hard, batting one away. The sound the iron made sent cringe down her arms. Cold iron really was no joke. “What are these things?” She asked, swatting away another. “What do they want?”

“They’re leprechauns,” Mina said. “And not the kind of the cereal box, unfortunately.” She grabbed one by its abnormally large head and twisted. If Morgan wasn’t around, she’d decapitate the thing with her claws. However, she just snapped its neck, knowing it probably wasn’t dead. “They like stealing things, rare things, expensive things. They’ll kill to get it, too. And they travel in packs. Iron and decapitation are the two ways to dispose of them.” She recited what she’d been taught years ago, and she’d actually put this knowledge into practice. Leprechauns were not what her father considered humanoid Fae, the kind that she should be targeting in White Crest, but they were definitely the kind that she’d gone after with him when she was younger. “They’re also quite heavy so-- oof!” Apparently, Mina was no longer Fae enough to protect as one of the leprechauns threw itself at her. She grunted under the weight and kicked it off. “So watch out!”

“Rare things?” Morgan asked, taking another swing. “But I don’t--” Shit. Morgan hopped back on the table and pulled on Mina to come with her. She took off her necklace (oh earth, and it was some of her best work, too) and dangled it on the end of her rod. “Is this what you want? Seriously?” She tossed it down to the ground and braced herself while the leprechauns inspected the newfound ‘treasure.’ Morgan waited, tense, and reached for Mina’s arm so they could make a break for together if they had to. “Will that make them go away?” She asked in a whisper.

Mina tensed as Morgan grabbed her arm, but she kept her gaze steadily on the leprechauns. Four. Eight. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fourteen of the foul creatures, all surrounding Morgan’s necklace. “I don’t know,” she said lowly. “They usually kill when they get caught.” The clicking sounds they made caused a shiver to run up Mina’s spine. Though they couldn’t speak any sort of human language, she knew that leprechauns weren’t to be underestimated. They were smart, quick, and nimble, and they had a nasty habit of making and using their own tools. Plus, there were so many of them, and though she was impressed with how Morgan had handled herself so far, Mina didn’t know how the other woman would be able to take on fourteen of the bloody creatures. 

The leprechaun critters were plotting, negotiating, maybe even laying claims on who got to eat which toe for their lunch break. Carefully, Morgan stuffed only her essentials into her bag and slipped it over her shoulder. “We should run?” She mouthed to Mina, clumsily pantomiming their great escape with one hand. She eased onto her knees and inched back, balancing the cold iron in her grip all the while. It might have even worked if it hadn’t scraped on the edge of the table. The leprechauns turned their heads her way, their grim, tiny faces unreadable. Well, so much for being sneaky about it. “Yep! We’re running!” She leapt off her perch and sprinted away, leg throbbing with each step.

Though she would have loved to stick around and tear into the rest of the leprechauns, Mina followed jerkily after Morgan. She turned around and bared sharp teeth at the wretched little creatures, hoping that would deter them. If they figured out that Morgan was under her, another Fae’s protection, they might leave her alone. Whatever the case, Mina planned to come back at a later date with one of her father’s swords and slaughter the remaining leprechauns to ensure they didn’t do this to anyone else. She followed after Morgan, and, when she felt they were far enough away, she stopped the other woman. “We’re-- I think we’re good. Are you alright? Did they hurt you at all?”

Morgan slowed, staggering, to a stop. “Uhh...not too badly, I think?” She patted herself down carefully. There were some tender spots on her back from where she’d fallen, and a nasty scrape where she’d been dragged along the ground, but given what else had happened to her lately, Morgan felt like she couldn’t really complain. “At least I don’t need another hospital visit. I can’t stand Nurse Denise judging me again. What about you? Are you--” For the first time since they’d been disrupted, Morgan actually took a good look at Mina. There was something else in her, something firm and stringently capable, something like the iron, which she held with a hand wrapped in fabric. Morgan stared, trying to make sense of the last few minutes. “Mina, are you okay after all that?”

Mina ran a hand through her hair, taking a deep breath and letting out a sigh. “I’m glad you’re alright. They really tried to--” She stopped herself. What they tried to do was kill Morgan. All for a necklace. She really hated leprechauns. “I’m glad you’re alright.” She was concerned about the need for a hospital trip, though she didn’t say anything, it probably showed. Another implied that there had at least been one, in not multiple. “I’m fine,” she said. The leprechauns had barely touched her due to what she was, and the few scrapes and bruises she had would easily be taken care of when she got home. She looked at the iron rod, covered in bits of leprechaun and still in her wrapped hand. She wiped it off on her shirt. “I’m quite used to things like this. I grew up taking care of monsters like them.”

“T-tried to--?” Morgan prompted, eyes wide. She already had a decent idea from all the other times she’d almost-died recently, but there was something so strange about the prospect of getting her head dashed on the pavement over a bit of gold and amethyst. She’d heard by now of a few kinds of fae critters that subsisted on humans or thought nothing of hurting them, but it was different, feeling the ghosts of tiny leprechaun hands on her. Morgan shivered and tucked her rod back into her catch-all bag and took the one she’d transmuted from Mina. She touched it to her wrist to bring back her hair clip and distracted herself by fussing with her hair, wincing only a little in pain at the way it irritated the scrapes on her back. “Right. So, I don’t think there’s any point in pretending we’re normal by human standards,” she said, a little unsteadily. “Me, alchemist. You--? I mean how do you grow up uh…’taking care’ of leprechauns?”

“They don’t usually let people live when they get found out,” Mina said quietly. She felt uncomfortable saying the words out loud, making them real. As long as she had her way, though, those leprechauns wouldn’t be touching another person. She unwrapped her hand and flexed it. Thankfully, the iron handed touched her flesh at all, so while she’d felt a bit of discomfort, she was still fine and human, if in appearance only. She did laugh a bit as Morgan stated that they weren’t normal. “And here I thought all adjuncts had the chemical know-how to transmute a hair clip into an iron rod.” Mina played with the strip of cloth in her hand. “My father, he hunts creatures, creatures that hurt human beings. He raised me to do the same. I try to protect humans from the evils in this world, like those wretched things.” She jutted her chin in the direction that they came. “They would have killed you, Morgan. Without a thought and without a care.”

Morgan nodded. This was all kinds of not good. First leprechauns, and now--a Warden? Morgan lost her grip on her hair and had to start over. The last thing she needed was another complicated not-friendship with a kind of hunter. And yet here Mina was, young and nice and sweet in her own peculiar way. Everything had been fine until a short while ago. But who knew what she would do in front of a fae that was less critter, more person. “I um, I get that,” Morgan said at last. “And I’m grateful that we both made it out okay. Thank you, Mina,” she said. “Really.”

Mina ran a hand through her hair and sighed. From Morgan’s reaction, she had an awful feeling that she’d done or said something wrong. She couldn’t really understand it, couldn’t figure out what she’d said wrong. “Of course. There’s no need to thank me, really,” she murmured. “Just, ah, doing my job.” She gave a soft smile. “Lunch was nice, you know, before the leprechauns showed up. If you’d-- I mean, you don’t have to, obviously. But, if you’d like, we could do it again sometime?” Whether Morgan said no or not, Mina made a vow to herself that she’d watch out for the other woman, especially around campus. If she’d ended up in the hospital multiple times, she was either accident prone or a target for supernatural shenanigans, and Mina wanted to make sure she was okay. She was so kind, after all.

Morgan smiled back at Mina, if only because she didn’t know what to do. She had turned sheepish and anxious again. She knew something was wrong, maybe she knew that Morgan understood exactly what and who she was looking at. Maybe she was starting to guess Morgan knew fae, maybe other supernaturals who could end up on her menu. And she was being so earnest about it, so gentle. Morgan felt for her even as she felt the impulse to bolt cord through her body and she inched away. “Um, maybe sometime, yeah,” she said with a noncommittal shrug. She couldn’t find it in her to be harsh about leaving, no matter how rattled she was inside. “After I have a chance to uh, live all this down. A little. And somewhere probably inside. Maybe without shiny things.”

“Right, of course,” Mina said quietly. It wasn’t a no, but it was close enough. She was resigned to making sure Morgan stayed safe from afar. Whatever she’d done wrong, it was enough that the other woman likely wouldn’t want to see her again. Perhaps it was stabbing the leprechaun the way she had. She should have been less violent with it. Or maybe… Was it possible that Morgan figured out she was Fae from the way she’d had to hold the iron rod? Mina truly hoped not. She just wanted someone, anyone, to see her as human. “Do be safe, please? I think you’re right. Ah, stay inside, stay safe, avoid the maths and engineering quad. I would… it wouldn’t do, like you said, for you to end up in the hospital again.” She pretended to check her phone. “Goodness! I need-- I’ve got to-- Class! Tutoring! I should just-- It was very nice to meet you, Morgan, truly. I really do hope I see you around!” Before the other woman could say another word, Mina darted off. She could study a bit, or, she could go home and prep for the night. She was going hunting.

[megrimlocke]

How We Are All Going to Die Laughing

The other day, I was looking at a post made by one of my favorite internet comic artists.  The guy used to be something I’d read in the army newspapers, next to the adds for cheap TVs at the post exchange, but these days it’s mostly a facebook feed I occasionally read.  The artist and writer behind “PVT Murphy” (though these days Murphy’s a sergeant, I’m aging after all it seems) was annoyed at Facebook showing him a shopping page offering what amounted to white nationalist (US neonazi, if you prefer) paraphernalia.

Now, I pointed out that this was what the robot had concluded he wanted to see, and honestly none of us should be surprised by this.  Military members lean right, and in the age of Trump this means that radicalization is around every corner- though for the record it always has been.  In some insidious ways with a cancer of racists and bigots among our ranks, sure, I know because being gay I was targeted by a few myself, but also in more subtle ways.

I once watched a man scream at some Iraqis who were emptying a waste bin nearby, screaming that they didn’t get him, because he’d been the target of an IED attack two hours prior.  Those men had no way in hell of having anything to do with it, but the guy that hit us got away free and the trash guys looked like someone he could defiantly vent his feelings of helplessness and victimhood upon in a vain effort to reclaim his power.  I’m not condoning it, I’m just saying that sometimes the path to prejudice isn’t paved with propaganda and privilege.

I have every faith in the artist who draws PVT Murphy himself, but if you attract the attention of a lot of white supremacists, then probably the robot is going to conclude that you might want to look at some of the things that all the people who like your posts are looking at.  Hence the shop page that offered a wall pinup of a templar knight preparing to smite the saracen to defend (white) Christendom with a few crass remarks about Islam written on it.

Now I explained, in truncated terms, how the robot made this call.  The artist wasn’t excited about this explanation, and in fairness no one is excited about the black mirror showing them something ugly, it’s almost like an automated attack.  But the machine was really just trying to be helpful.  It wasn’t programmed to be sensitive to racial issues, and certainly the people who took out the add didn’t take that into their considerations.  It identified a pattern and arranged the delivery of data that conformed with its instructions based upon the data input.

Now, some right wing dude decided to join in this discussion to point out that the robot didn’t know what it was talking about, included the terms “lib” and “snowflake” in his post, and suggested that if the robot had any idea who he was it wouldn’t keep showing him liberal content- after all he always used the laugh react on it.  I pointed out this part as well, but I’d like to go into a deeper analysis for this discourse.

The right, and perhaps a lot of people using the reacts on facebook, has decided that you can use the laugh react to express a dismissive chuckle to the words of others.  I think this has several sweeping, problematic implications.

First, the people using the internet are using it to each other, and are either unaware of the robots they share the internet with or ignorant regarding how they function.  The robots do not interpret Laugh as a dismissive gesture.  The data they gather from this is that you were paying attention to something and decided to put a reaction on it.  The Laugh react is not a downvote on reddit, the robot, innocent little helperbot it was made to be, assumes you are amused by the thing you clicked on, and so endeavors to further tickle your funny bone.  In short, it’s your good-natured wholesome friend who doesn’t understand the difference between you laughing with liberals and laughing at us.  It thinks we’re all friends.

This leads to the second problem.  If you are a conservative and you do not care to be bothered with leftist posts, then using the laugh react doesn’t help you at all.  It further engages you with the content that annoys you.  The stuff that caused you to try and put on your dismissive “ha ha tawdry communist drivel” mid-atlantic aristocrat voice is going to keep appearing.  If you’re the sort given to conspiracy theories (and you are my bro, you still hate Hillary for the pizza thing), you might draw the conclusion that you are being targeted by leftist internet operatives, spamming your feed with leftist propaganda.

The truth is you’re spamming yourself with leftist content because your socially clueless helpful robot pal is gonna go out and find more things for you to laugh at.  You’re not special or important enough for leftist internet operatives to target your facebook feed with propaganda attacks, and you have damned yourself to an experience on facebook in which you are bombarded with annoying or even blood-boiling content.  All of this guidance, by the way, is equally applicable to left leaning users of the laugh react as a dismissive gesture.

What this does is contribute to people’s paranoia.  It makes them believe that an enemy that doesn’t exist is trying to get into their heads.  It fills their electronic lives with incendiary content that makes them angry and it encourages them further to continue to have generally unproductive electric arguments with people that they disagree with, leaving them exhausted by a brain full of cortisol.

Personally, I think the Left’s electric sin is more to do with our frankly superior witticisms (sorry Right, you invented and stuck to Nobama, you’re just not witty) and the craving so many of us seem to have for delivering that sick burn one-liner so cutting and succinct that it stops the conservative dead in his rhetorical tracks seems to consume online political discourse on the left almost as aggressively as call-out culture does when arguing among our own.

In the effort to sell us more things by pandering to our professed passions, the capitalist internet has created an electric rage engine that wraps you into one heated argument after another among people who are not listening to one another and who are learning to disengage from hard discussions.  This last part is so dangerous to our democracy.

To be clear, I’m not lamenting the death of compromise specifically.  There can be no compromise on the income gap, healthcre, free elections, or the rights of people who are darker in skin than I.  But the electric rage engine makes it difficult to even have conversations about these things in the real world, and if you’re not talking to the people you disagree with face to face in the here and now, your chances of finding compromise are precisely zero percent, nevermind actually changing their views.

Have you noticed yourself having conversations with people that could just be copy pasted almost word for word off the tumblr where they “informed” themselves about this topic?  I’ll bet that you have.  Or else, more dangerously, you have begun to avoid having such conversations at all with people.  Have you ever been in a discussion turned friendly debate with your friend and realized after a few moments that the debate isn’t suddenly so friendly?  I’m willing to bet it’s been a while, so much so that you might even be shocked if it happens.

People like to go on about how fraught the holidays can be because of how politically charged family dinners can be, but I can’t remember such an experience within the past ten years.  No throw down arguments, no discussions about the merits of one tax policy or another- we can’t even seem to discuss weighty matters with people who are blood kin anymore unless we already know they agree with our own views- and thanks to the electric rage engine, we can know, in precis, what their views are and what we think about them as a result long before we ever think about what to put in our covered dish.  The opportunity for someone stepping into a landmine social or foreign policy issue at family and social gatherings has been eliminated, and with it the ability of the dinner table to serve as a place for families to reach consensus by resolving their arguments.  We don’t talk politics with people who disagree with us in the real world anymore, we all just avoid it and spit our venom on the internet, achieving nothing but our mounting unhappiness and dislike for one another.

I have a young colleague at work, maybe 25, who demonstrated the ability to just promptly end a discussion last week.  Now it was a nonsense discussion and in fairness the participants had gotten into trolling him for kicks, saying a blue shirt was green on purpose or some other nonsense, I don’t remember the particulars.  But what I do remember vividly was the ease and efficiency with which he was able to simply end the discussion, how disengagement came so very naturally to him.  I despise the phrase “agree to disagree” because it means that the argument hasn’t been resolved, but it is at least a sign that there was actual thought going on between participants.  No such gesture here.  My colleague put down the conversation and simply went back to his work with all the ease with which you might put down your phone when you decided you were done arguing with someone, and the ability to do this in realspace chilled me to the bone.

Moreover, there is a certain epistemological nihilism that has arisen among us, suggesting that no one can truly know anything because the sources of information, with whatever omissions or biases they may possess, are a matter of consumerist choice rather than objective fact.  We can’t agree on what is real anymore because if you dislike someone’s account of events, you can simply get someone else to present a more palatable story and declare the other people liars.

If you don’t like what you read on NBC, you can simply tune to Fox to hear it told in a way that you choose to consume, often playing to your appetite for validation rather than your need for actionable information.  We like feeling right, and the consumerist information economy has identified that as a means to get our attention long enough to upload some ads along with our news video of choice.

If the very identity of a person can be expressed by a computer algorithm and 4 or 5 hundred clicks across news articles, think pieces, and shopping pages, how easy will it be for the people who do understand how the machines work to begin influencing who we are?

In closing, I think every single one of us is developing a progressively more toxic relationship with the internet, particularly when it comes to political discourse, and I think that if we aren’t especially careful our ability to simply shut down and switch off, while healthy on the web, is going to begin invading our lives in the waking world in insidious ways that will hurt our ability to function as a cohesive society. I think that the marketing robots and the very act of making a profile and posting to it things that are important to you are dangerous influences on our sense of identity, and that by wrapping our sense of identity in the ideas and products that we consume in such a contrived, calculated fashion that we are restricting our ability to be flexible in our thinking, making us less able to get along with one another.  

I’ve been on a soft departure from Facebook for a good while now, making it my loose rule to stick to messenger and instagram because I like indulging my vanity but for the most part I want to be interacting with people directly and not selling myself for likes when I use these things.  Real attention from real people  is much much better.  

In 2020, I invite you to join me in kicking facebook or your own social media vice altogether and bringing our political lives and our debates back into the real world so that we can practice and re-acquire the skills of persuasion and discussion; not as a cynic call to begin trying to convert every conservative we can find, but for the sake of a political discourse that serves as less of a battleground with immovable ideological fortresses and more of a crucible in which the useless can be burned away and useful consensus and meaningful, mind changing-discussions can be had once again.  We cannot afford to keep unsubscribing from one another if our democracy is to survive. (<- leftist witticism addiction in demonstration)

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

@dykeofwellington

#he’s no better than any other politician

#and is indeed actively worse than quite a few

#politics

#us politics I am curious as to why you think he’s actively worse than someone like Steyer, or Tulsi Gabbard, or simply in general. Why do you feel he’s actively worse than the rest? I would also love to know who you think is the best choice out of the lot? and you’re reasoning behind that?

--

Hey for some reason I can’t reblog the post where you asked the above about Bernie. I’m going to give a very brief rundown of thoughts. 

First, let’s clear up some rather broad, assumptions made: 

am curious as to why you think he’s actively worse than someone like Steyer, or Tulsi Gabbard, or simply in general. / Why do you feel he’s actively worse than the rest?

I never said any politician’s name. Just a general indication that he’s worse than a few. I think it’s interesting you assumed I meant those two and not that he’s worse than, let’s say, Julian Castro. 

I clearly said “no better than any other politician” which puts him on equal footing with Warren etc. so this assumption: Why do you feel he’s actively worse than the rest? is unwarranted. 

What I was saying was basically - no better than e.g. Warren and worse than quite a few e.g. Castro, Clinton (I know, come fight me leftists who drank the almost 30 years of GOP koolaid on her) etc. 

--

A quick rundown of issues I have with Bernie include, but are not limited to: 

Inability to deal with sexual harassment in his campaign in a meaningful way (he apologized and such, but there’s not to my eyes been a significant change)

General sexism in his campaign as well as sexism displayed by followers. He’s just got a sexism issue overall.

Lack of meaningful, recent civil rights record 

Unwilling to coalition build with colleagues in government (a profoundly necessary skill if you want to get anything done as president). Basically, he’s not a team player. We need team players. Team players is how DC works. (e.g. “Ms. Clinton, pointing out that Mr. Obama had to fight tooth-and-nail even for relatively centrist solutions such as the Affordable Care Act, draws the lesson that the next president must have a strong sense of practicality and realism; big rallies cannot wish away the complex politics of Congress. Mr. Sanders, by contrast, claims that Mr. Obama had insufficient revolutionary zeal.” Sanders’ view is not helpful nor realistic.) 

Lack of passing meaningful policy/legislation in his 25 years as senator which indicates an overall inability to solve issues within the existing system as well as a manifestation of the above mentioned inability to coalition build. While many senators propose many bills and pass few (that’s kind of par for the course) Sanders’ are particularly lack lustre. Of the seven enacted of which he was primary sponsor, three were designations (S. 885, H.J.Res. 231, S. 893) and one was a national park boundary movement (H.R. 1353). 

Bernie Sanders was the primary sponsor of seven bills that were enacted:

S. 885 (113th): A bill to designate the facility of the United States Postal Service located at 35 Park Street in Danville, Vermont, as the “Thaddeus Stevens Post Office”.

S. 2782 (113th): A bill to amend title 36, United States Code, to improve the Federal charter for the Veterans of Foreign Wars of the United States, and for other purposes

S. 893 (113th): Veterans’ Compensation Cost-of-Living Adjustment Act of 2013H.R. 5245 (109th): To designate the facility of the United States Postal Service located at 1 Marble Street in Fair Haven, Vermont, as the “Matthew Lyon Post Office Building”.

H.J.Res. 129 (104th): Granting the consent of Congress to the Vermont-New Hampshire Interstate Public Water Supply Compact.

H.R. 1353 (102nd): Entitled the “Taconic Mountains Protection Act of 1991”.

H.J.Res. 132 (102nd): To designate March 4, 1991, as “Vermont Bicentennial Day”.

Medicare for All: it’s an incredibly complicated thing to implement and I’m personally not convinced Sanders’ plan is the right approach, nor that it would pass congress when introduced. 

Weak stance on gun control and relationship with the NRA

Tendency to shout over and shut people down, especially those asking questions he doesn’t want to answer 

His lack of attempting to control his supporters - their misogyny and racism - are indicative of the kind of person running the campaign. These things rot from top down. 

How powerfully his ego influences his actions, especially in 2016 when it took Obama hauling him into the white house before he finally stepped down and stopped running 

That whole Russia murkiness

His continued view that the primaries are rigged when they aren’t, he just lost, is actively harmful 

He has, or has benefited from, super PACs (he has some direct PAC contributions, but it’s not a large amount. Most of his benefits from PACs come in other forms than direct contributions). 

So, this is not something I particularly care about overall, because running for president is expensive (which is a Problem), and it’s a current reality to campaign financing. But he made such a big deal out of it I take vindictive pleasure in him having them/benefitting from them because I can now corner Luke Savage at a mutual friend’s annual Christmas party and tell him to shove it up his arse. 

Support of Gabbard who is a bit of a Russian plant (not to mention a terrible candidate overall) 

He is old, he is white, he is straight, he is cis, he is male - we have the most diverse range of potential nominees and if we think he’s the Answer or Saviour there’s a lot of unpacking of internalized stuff that needs to happen. 

A personal thing, but I really, really dislike his shoutiness. He reminds me of every socialist bro who has shouted down women and other marginalized people at parties I’ve been to (I know quite a few Jacobin/Socialist hacks e.g. aforementioned Luke Savage who uses the Sanders Certified approach If You Shout Enough They Can’t Get A Word In Therefore You Win to conversations and debates) and it leaves my skin crawling. 

No policy to address the needs and interests of First Nations/Native Americans including living standards, water access, education, treaty rights, any sort of reconciliation and addressing the issue of colonialism and genocide etc. (I think Castro is the only one with anything addressing Native American needs)

Breach of Clinton’s campaign voter data. Super. Shady. 

Ultimately, I’m not an idealist because idealism doesn’t make for good policy. While I dislike the term leftist because it invokes, to my mind, the blind, unthinking frothing wrath of Bernie Bros(tm), I do have leftist goals. 

However, I am practical about the approach, which will almost always be incremental. It’s like building a house: you lay foundations before you start on the walls, roof and insulation. Bernie wants an instant house to appear out of no where. That’s not how life nor government, works.

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t push to improve things and make for a better world, a more just society. But the reality is: we have a system we must work within and so we need people who can do that effectively. That said, we can and should try to improve the system on the way, as well. But burning it down and starting from scratch is a pipe dream. Best lay it to the side and fight for things that can actually improve lives today. In the here and now. 

in the end, I don’t like Bernie Sanders because he is an old, shouty white man driven by ego who is crude, mean, and isn’t a real democrat. I think we can do better. 

My current list of choices for the Democratic nominee (which is open to change. It will depend on how debates play out and further policy details put forward by candidates): 

Julian Castro (I like his platform the most; he has experience in DC from the Obama administration; knows how to be a team player; he’s young, intelligent and well spoken; has that “presidential” look that many voters like to see, which you know. Makes sense. Mostly I like his platform and everything I’ve heard and read about him has been positive. He also runs a (mostly) positive campaign! Unlike Some Old White Shouty Men. I can go on.)

Kamala Harris (She has a good platform with sound policy plans; she has grit and stamina needed to run against Trump; She runs a positive campaign - even using her funding to support other democrats currently primarying republicans/are just up for general re-election; she’s a senator so has experience and allies in DC with whom she can coalition build; she’s a team player; she will give us a good shot in Florida and N. Carolina; she has strong support from Black Americans who are the base of the democratic party; as DA she fought against prop 22 and prop 8 [yes, she’s not perfect as DA or AG but point to someone with a perfect track record. I’ll wait. I’m not here for perfection or purity politics, I’m here for someone who can win and will implement descent policy while in power], she pioneered one of the first open data initiative to expose racism in the legal system, lol she’s not a millionaire unlike Some Old White Shouty Man - which is neither here nor there for me personally, because again I’m realistic, just a refreshing thing. I can go on.) 

Elizabeth Warren (I’m rather luke-warm on her but she’s better than the other options.)

My ideal ticket, currently, is: Harris/Castro. 

Again - this is open to change. And, at the end of the day, I will vote for the democratic nominee in 2020 no matter what because we can’t have another four years of Trump. 

[superhusbands-superfan]

The Proposal that Wasn’t (and the one that was)

Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark | Words: ~6k | Rating: T

Additional Tags: Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Marriage Proposal, Established Relationship, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark Friendship, Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Inspired by Friends (TV), Tony's robot children

Summary: Steve has A Plan to propose, and it's going to be the perfect, romantic surprise Tony deserves. Things are going exactly according to schedule... until they bump into Tony's ex-girlfriend, Pepper Potts. 

Things go a bit off-book from there. 

Or the Stony adaptation of Chandler and Monica's proposal story — because who doesn't love throwing Friends at the Avengers?

Read it on Ao3.

The Proposal that Wasn’t (and the one that was)

“It’s really great, Steve,” Natasha said, smiling down at the ring and then glancing at Steve. “Tony’s going to love it.”

“Really? You think so?”

Nat stood on her tiptoes to kiss Steve’s cheek and then squeezed his shoulder affectionately.

“I know so,” Nat said with a sharp, definitive nod. “When are you going to ask him?”

“I’m thinking tonight at the benefit I’ll convince him to sneak off with me for a minute alone. The event’s at the same place where we had our first kiss, so I know there’s a private balcony Tony can get us access to. And it shouldn’t be too hard to get him to agree for nostalgia’s sake.” Steve smiled at the memory and then grimaced a little when he realized he was definitely wearing his dopey, lovestruck smile. “Is that horribly cheesy?”

Nat shrugged with one shoulder. “Maybe a tiny bit,” she admitted, smirking. “For me? Absolutely. For Tony? It’s exactly the kind of cheesy romance Tony not-so-subtly lives for. It’s why you’re so perfect together.”

Steve smiled. “You think he’ll say yes?”

“I’d bet my life on it.”

Coming from Natasha, that was all but a guarantee.

-

They were on the dance floor when Steve finally worked up the courage to suggest they slip off to somewhere more private. Steve was sure Tony would take the suggestion to be sexual in nature, but he could work with that. And hey, if there ended up being a post-proposal sexual encounter, well… it wasn’t like Steve was going to have a problem with that.

Hell, it wouldn’t be the first time they… repurposed, for lack of a better word, these dragged-out black-tie events for something more exciting.

That said, it was also almost eleven fifteen. That was a perfectly respectable time to call it a night if they wanted to head home.

“Is it horrible that I’ve completely forgotten what this event is for?” Tony asked, his voice pitched low and his mouth near Steve’s ear as they continued to dance in small circles to the rhythm of the classical music being played.

Steve laughed a little and shook his head. “No, that’s what you have me for. We’ve made a sizable donation to the charity in the spotlight this evening. So there’s nothing to worry about.”

“My hero,” Tony said, meeting Steve’s gaze with a soft, flirty smile and love in his eyes.

This was the right moment, the right night. Steve could feel it.

Steve cut their dance short and grabbed Tony’s hand in his to pull him away from the dance floor and toward a quiet corner. “What would you say if I suggested — ”

“Tony?” a voice called from somewhere over Tony’s shoulder.

Seconds later, the one and only Pepper Potts emerged, smiling and looking as flawless as ever in a brilliant green dress that complemented but didn’t clash with her red hair, which fell down her back tonight in loose curls. The dress had lace on top and across the off-the-shoulder cap sleeves, but the skirt was simple silk and fell elegantly to where it almost brushed the floor.

Tony turned to greet her with a bit of tension in his shoulders, but no hint of annoyance or genuine discomfort. At least, not anything that Steve could detect — and after more than a year of dating, Steve considered himself fairly adept at reading Tony.

“Pepper?” It was almost more statement and greeting than question, but not quite.

“I thought that was you two,” she said, smiling at Steve as she moved to hug Tony hello. Tony reciprocated easily and then stepped away.

“What are you doing here?” Tony asked after Pepper had also given Steve a quick hug.

It was a fair enough question, Steve thought. They generally divided and conquered at these sorts of things. Pepper would attend some in her capacity as CEO and Tony and Steve would attend others as the still-incredibly-public faces of Stark Industries and the Avengers. Usually, they divided the events by location. Pepper was living in L.A. so she took the west half of the country, and Tony and Steve covered the East coast. International events were a toss-up and were typically decided based on availability and proximity to wherever the Avengers last averted world-ending disasters.

In short, it was rare that the three of them ended up at an event together.

It wasn’t that they avoided each other, really — the three of them got along just fine — but the media tended to make Steve and Pepper’s every interaction out to be part of a jilted lover saga and none of them needed or wanted that sort of press. When they spent time together, it was generally in the safety of their respective homes.

“To keep a long story short, the host of the evening is a close friend from college. She specifically asked me to show up tonight and I had a last-minute cancellation that made it possible for me to fly out.”

“And here you are,” Tony said easily. “Looking stunning, as always.”

Steve wasn’t going to be jealous about that, he decided resolutely. Tony had told countless people how great they looked tonight; it was practically protocol at these events, like chatting about the weather and complaining about uncomfortable footwear.

Besides, Steve’s evening had started with Tony describing in detail the things he wanted to do to Steve when he saw him in his tux.

“Thank you, Tony,” Pepper said, a faint pink blush on her cheeks. “You’re sweet. And you both look great as well.”

It was kind of her to say, but her eyes were on Tony the entire time. Steve couldn’t exactly blame her — it’s where his eyes had been all night, too — but he wasn’t necessarily thrilled about what a look like that might mean. He was probably reading into it far too much.

“Thanks, Pep,” Tony said. “How’ve you been lately? I’ve received surprisingly few phone calls berating me for missing one thing or another, I was starting to worry.”

Steve caught just the slightest hint of an embarrassed flush across Pepper’s cheeks.

“Yes, well you’ve been surprisingly mindful of your commitments and almost startlingly punctual recently, so there hasn’t been much of a need for my nagging,” Pepper said, voice full of good-natured humor. “I suppose that’s your doing, Steve?”

“Me?” Steve asked, incredulous. “I doubt it. I certainly can’t get him to do anything he doesn’t want to.”

“I guess your responsibility is just rubbing off on me, then,” Tony teased, grinning up at Steve.

Steve smiled back at him, but he glanced at Pepper in time to catch a look of hurt flash across her features. It was gone before Tony would notice, Steve noted, but it had definitely been there.

Now Steve was getting a little worried.

He knew plenty about Tony and Pepper’s failed relationship and enduring friendship. He appreciated Pepper’s place in Tony’s life even if he didn’t always understand it, exactly. They’d split on amicable, if awkward terms.

According to Tony, he’d ‘always been more interested in talking about future plans’ than Pepper had been, and he’d always been certain that he wanted to keep the option of having a family on the table. Tony had also emphasized that his being Iron Man had been a major part of why their relationship broke down.

Tony had been heartbroken and hurt, but he’d healed. He and Pepper were still friends and colleagues. Tony had found Steve. He’d fallen in love with Steve just as much as Steve had fallen in love with Tony. Things were good between them.

They were good, Steve knew that. He did. He and Tony had talked about what they wanted in their lives many times. Lately, they talked about their future as a definite, shared entity. It was why Steve wanted to propose.

So why the hell couldn’t he shut down the voice in the back of his head whispering that maybe, just maybe, he’d become an easily-forgotten ex if Pepper happened to have decided that she wanted the same things as Tony?

It was ridiculous. Steve knew Tony would never do that.

“How fortunate,” Pepper said, drawing Steve out of his spiraling thoughts with her easy teasing. “Have you two enjoyed the evening?”

Steve nodded agreeably, but for the most part, he let Tony field the question. He distantly heard Tony praising the food and decor, but his focus had drifted to the ring tucked into his jacket pocket that now seemed unnecessary.

The moment had slipped away. It was more than a little disappointing, but it couldn’t be helped. Steve wasn’t about to cut the evening short now that Tony had a chance to catch up with Pepper, especially considering the wide, genuine smile he was wearing.

Steve could be a good sport about it. Pepper had no idea she’d interrupted an almost-moment, after all, and Tony didn’t have a clue that this night was meant to be anything more than another dull black-tie affair.

“Steve?” Tony sounded worried. Steve snapped to attention, eyes on Tony’s face even as he relaxed and forced a smile. “You okay?”

“Yes, sorry I got a little lost in my head,” Steve said, happy he was at least telling the truth on that front. “I’m a little warm, actually. I might step out and get some air, if you’ll both excuse me.” Also true, and not a half-bad excuse; Steve was always hot and regularly ducked out of stuffy places full of people for a breath of fresh air.

Tony knew that, but he still narrowed his eyes at Steve skeptically, clearly not buying it. Before he could say anything though, Pepper cut in.

“I bet we could squeeze in a quick dance before the band packs up for the night,” she suggested with a friendly smile. “If you wanted, Tony?”

“Oh uh, sure,” Tony nodded, still looking at Steve for signs of distress.

“Great idea,” Steve said, firmly ignoring that a part of him he didn’t want to examine too closely that thought that was absolutely the opposite of what might reasonably be considered a great idea.

He managed a quick smile and then made a break for the nearest balcony. When he made it outside, he pulled out his phone and navigated to the secret group chat he’d requested JARVIS keep carefully hidden whenever Tony was in the room.

He had 27 unread messages from their friends, a pointless engagement ring in his pocket, and what felt like a massive headache forming.

SGR: Proposal’s on hold for now. Will explain later.

His phone rang approximately thirty seconds later.

“Hey,” Steve said, finally letting his disappointment and general frustration seep into his voice.

“Hey man,” Sam said, sounding sympathetic already without even know what happened. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing bad, really. Honest. We just ran into Pepper and — ”

“Tony’s ex, Pepper?”

“How many Peppers do you know?”

Sam snorted a little. “Good point. Why’s that getting in the way of your proposal though?”

Steve shrugged even though he knew Sam couldn’t see him. “I can’t explain it really, but there was a moment — the moment — but then we were interrupted and now…” Steve glanced behind him through the floor-to-ceiling windows and spotted them on the dance floor, easily picking out Pepper’s green evening gown. “Well, now he’s dancing with Pepper.”

“What?!”

“No, nothing like what you’re thinking. It’s just friendly. But it’s…” Steve didn’t really know what else to say.

“Yeah,” Sam said after a minute. He was using that unfairly sympathetic tone he used sometimes that always managed to convince anyone who heard it that he fully understood whatever you were going through, no matter how bizarrely specific of a situation it happened to be. “I’m sorry. That sucks.”

Steve sighed. “A little bit, but I’ll survive. Just didn’t want to keep you all waiting on big news that wasn’t coming.”

“What a shame, we’ll have to hide all the champagne for a little while longer.”

Steve’s mouth twitched up in a smile.

“Hopefully not much longer, though,” Sam said. It was a nudge if Steve had ever heard one.

“Definitely not.”

“Okay, good. We’ll see you tomorrow then. We’re all going to bed now.”

Steve laughed. Eleven thirty at night and half the team was going to bed, Steve was mourning his failed proposal, and Tony was dancing with his ex-girlfriend. “We’re getting too old for this shit.”

“Honestly,” Sam said. “Goodnight, Steve.”

“Night, Sam.”

-

Steve should have known things wouldn’t quite be that simple. They made it back to the Tower without trouble, Tony regaling Steve the whole time with a story Pepper had told him — Steve was trying hard not to be bitter about that because it wasn’t Pepper’s fault, damn it — about a recent SI investor who’d turned out to be horribly sexist, and whom Pepper had swiftly and humorously dealt with.

Unfortunately, when the doors of the elevator opened to the communal Avengers floor, Clint was sitting cross-legged on the floor, his crossbow entirely deconstructed in front of him.

It was close to two in the morning — Pepper and Tony had talked for a while — and based on all available intel, Steve realized a few things at once.

One, Clint only ever took apart his bow when he wanted to deep-clean and polish it and he only ever wanted to do that after he’d spent hours using it on a mission or at the Tower range. Two, Clint never used or checked his phone when he was shooting — the whole point of range practice was to get out of his own head and his phone had the exact opposite effect. Steve understood that, but just today, he also resented it. Because it meant Steve was about ninety percent sure Clint hadn’t heard the news that he’d called off his Propose to Tony mission.

The way Clint perked up as they shuffled out of the elevator only served to prove Steve’s theory.

“Hey lovebirds,” Clint said, looking at Tony. “What did you think of the — ?”

“The benefit was great,” Steve said quickly, his voice too loud and rushed to be considered casual.

“Right,” Clint said, his forehead creased in confusion as he stared at Steve. “But you were going to ask Tony to — ”

“I was,” Steve said, cutting Clint off sharply in a tone of voice he typically reserved for missions. “But I haven’t gotten to it quite yet.”

“Uh,” Tony looked from Clint — who suddenly found his scattered bow parts utterly fascinating and all-consuming of his attention — to Steve. “What’s going on?”

Steve squeezed the bridge of his nose and prayed for a miracle.

“Nothing, sweetheart,” Steve said, trying to infuse his voice with the natural softness that typically came to him whenever he addressed Tony. It was more difficult than it should be, but then he had been dealt a few more disappointments today than usual. “Just a little miscommunication, that’s all.”

“Sure… but about what?”

“Nothing you need to worry about, especially this late,” Steve said, placing his hand at the small of Tony’s back and trying to guide him gently toward their room. “I’ll explain in the morning.”

This was a problem for future-Steve, he decided. The headache he’d felt coming on earlier had arrived in full-force and Steve was just… well, sad. Sleep sounded good.

Tony went with him to their room, calling “Night, Clint!” over his shoulder for the both of them, but he was watching Steve wearily the whole time. It continued even as they silently got ready for bed and when they crawled under the covers together, curled into one another, same as always.

Steve knew he was being unreasonably unfair to Tony, who had absolutely no idea what had caused Steve’s sudden 180-degree mood swing, but he also couldn’t fully reign in his emotions.

“I love you,” Tony said. He sounded so… tentative. Like he wasn’t sure how his words would be received and that was just entirely unacceptable, no matter how Steve felt about the direction the evening had gone.

“I love you too, Tony,” Steve said, trying to infuse as much certainty and love into the words as he could. He pulled Tony close so his spine was pressed tight to Steve’s chest. Tony relaxed almost immediately and Steve cursed himself for being stupid enough to allow Tony to doubt anything about their relationship, even for a second. “Very, very much.”

Tony sighed pleasantly and mumbled, “G’night, Steve.”

“Night, Tony,” Steve whispered. “Sweet dreams.”

-

In the morning, Steve’s head was clearer, but Tony’s questions were also more pointed.

“So…” he said, broaching the subject before they’d even gotten out of bed. “Do you want to tell me what Clint was talking about last night?”

“Hm?” Steve asked, pretending to be absorbed in something on his phone that he actually couldn’t care less about.

“He said you were going to ask me something,” Tony said, his voice a little bit sharper now in an effort to command Steve’s full attention. It worked. Steve put his phone on the nightstand. “And you uh. Well, you freaked a little. So?”

Yeah, Steve should have spent less time sleeping and more time working out his cover story for that nightmare of an interaction. Hindsight.

“I told you, it’s really nothing — ”

“Steve.”

“Alright, fine,” Steve sighed. He scrambled for a minute, remembered Natasha’s advice that the best lies were always grounded in a little bit of the truth, and decided to run with his first instinct no matter how stupid it may be. “I’d been planning to talk to you last night. To um, well, I guess I just wanted to ask you… how do you feel about marriage?”

Tony’s eyes widened and there were too many emotions in them for Steve to attempt to decode first thing in the morning, even if it was already ten.

“How I feel about marriage as in…?” Tony made a vague gesture between the two of them.

“No, no, nothing that serious,” Steve shook his head quickly, hoping that he was doing a good impression of someone who definitely hadn’t dreamed about calling Tony his fiancée on numerous and increasingly sappy occasions. “Marriage as an institution. The concept of it.”

Tony’s expression slipped from cautiously surprised and maybe pleased to suspicious in an instant.

“And you talked to Clint about this conversation you wanted to have?”

Yeah, that was a glaring flaw in his plan. He confided in each of his teammates in different ways, but no one ever really consulted Clint for relationship advice. Steve snorted.

“It came up in a way that would be very difficult to try to explain, but yes,” Steve said. He was aiming for it to sound like an awkward admission, and he thought he was at least close. “Against my better judgment,” he added for good measure.

“Right…” Tony sighed. “Well. I feel like I’m at a bit of a disadvantage here, if I’m honest. Lobbing a question at me about the institution of marriage without any idea how you feel about it all?”

It was a probing question if Steve had ever heard one, but he decided not to answer.

“But all right, fine,” Tony said finally. “I guess… I’m generally in favor of marriage? I mean, what’s not to like, right?”

“Well, high divorce rate, all the business with joint finances…” Steve trailed off, already out of potential drawbacks.

Tony’s face fell a little, shifting from confused by the direction of the conversation to disappointed and Steve hated himself just a little bit more.

“Oh, so. You’re… not a proponent of marriage, then?”

“I’m not necessarily opposed,” Steve hedged. “I just read this article about how same-sex couples getting married could be playing into our largely heteronormative culture in society — the idea that being married is what makes a family, for example — and I got to thinking.”

It was all true. He’d read the article in question and thought about it. It was interesting, no doubt. Food for thought and something to keep in mind. But even after he’d finished the piece, he’d still overwhelmingly wanted to be Tony’s husband and have Tony be his as well. It was probably old-fashioned and meant they’d be conforming, but he wanted it nonetheless.

“Fair enough,” Tony said with a small shrug. “It’s not for everyone, I guess. It’s an excuse to get all your friends and family together, though. Celebrate the importance of your relationship.”

“True.”

“Is it… Is it something you’ve ever thought about for us?”

“Sure.” Steve shrugged as nonchalantly as he was able. “In the abstract, maybe.” No stretch of the imagination could make that true. There was nothing abstract about mentally drafting wedding vows. “You?”

“About the same,” Tony mumbled, staring down at the sheets he was twisting in his hands. God this was miserable. What the fuck was he doing?

Mercifully, Tony’s phone rang. He answered, seeming as grateful for the interruption as Steve was. It was a short conversation, but when it ended Tony was headed straight for the shower, apologizing for having to cut their conversation short.

Steve rolled over and smashed his head into the pillow to silence his frustrated groan.

-

Tony wasn’t sure he’d ever been more grateful to be called into the office for a weekend manufacturing emergency. Anything to bail out of that conversation which, in all honesty, had been breaking his heart a little.

He’d just… he’d really thought they were on the same page. Tony did want to get married, and whatever he told Steve, he’d absolutely thought about it in more than abstract terms.

He tried to put it out of his mind and fend off phone call after phone call from one of their overseas plants.

When the storm had mostly passed, Tony busied himself by fiddling with the specs for a new prototype he was toying with the idea for. If he was honest with himself, he was stalling.

“Oh, you’re still here,” Pepper said, peeking into the office Tony rarely ever used. She sounded a little breathless. “I expected you’d have gone home already.”

Tony looked at her and could pick out the signs of tiredness and frustration, same as always. She’d been dealing with the crisis this morning in her own ways, too.

“Not yet, no,” he said. He knew she’d sense that something was off and Pepper didn’t disappoint.

“Is something wrong?”

Tony shrugged.

“What’s going on?”

“Just a weird conversation with Steve this morning. It’s throwing me off, I guess.”

Pepper nodded thoughtfully. “Did you ever figure out why he was acting strange last night?”

“He said it was nothing. Had a headache, I guess. But…”

“But you’re worried?”

“I was under the impression we were on the same page. But it’s starting to look like I was mistaken.”

“On what front?” Pepper asked, before seeming to remember herself. “If you want to talk about it, that is.”

“Marriage. And who knows what else, honestly.”

Pepper frowned, her expression soft and understanding. “I’m sorry, Tony.”

“You should know where he’s coming from,” Tony said, trying for teasing but mostly sounding tired and sad. “You weren’t exactly gunning for the chance to marry me.”

Pepper didn’t say anything for a long pause. She looked conflicted, like she wasn’t sure whether to say anything in response to that.

“I think about that a lot, you know. About how I never really wanted to talk about our future together or make things more serious. It was a mistake, Tony. And if you give Steve the chance, I’m sure he’ll realize the same thing.”

Tony blinked at Pepper in confusion. He sort of felt like he was missing something. “What?”

“Anyone would be lucky to call you their husband, Tony. I wish I’d realized that sooner. And if Steve really can’t see that, well. Maybe he isn’t the person you’re meant to marry.”

Yeah, okay so Tony couldn’t have asked her to make that plainer. But he also wasn’t really sure what to say when his ex — a woman he’d been head-over-heels in love with for years and had, at one point, wanted to marry — told him that she’d been wrong about him. Said that anyone would be lucky to call him their husband.

It felt good, sure, but it felt just as wrong if not more so because he didn’t want Pepper to be the one saying it. Not anymore.

“Maybe,” Tony said, though the word tasted bitter and all just plain false. “I don’t know. But thanks, Pep. For talking with me, and uh.” He shrugged. He wasn’t quite sure how to phrase any of the rest of it, but he thought Pepper would understand.

She smiled her soft, genuine smile and nodded a little. She stood up and was almost out the door when she turned back and said, “I hope you two work it out. I like Steve. You guys are great together.”

Tony sighed as she pulled the door to his office closed and decided it was probably about time he went home.

-

Steve wasn’t there when he arrived, and Tony supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. No matter how long they were together, every time they fought their first instinct was to avoid each other. Tony didn’t even really consider this a fight, but he’d avoided Steve so it only made sense that Steve was also avoiding him.

What he hadn’t expected was Clint being in the shared Avengers kitchen. He was in almost the same position as last night, except he was sitting at the counter with his bow spread out in pieces across the countertop instead of on the ground.

Tony was surprised to find that he was frustrated with Clint because of last night, no matter how unfair that was.

“Hey Tony,” Clint said, still focused on putting together a portion of the bow. Looking closer, Tony realized this wasn’t the same bow from last night. It was a different, older model.

“Hey,” Tony said, grimacing at the sharp tone he couldn’t manage to keep out of his voice. “Have you seen Rhodey? Or Natasha?”

Tony had enough of a handle on his emotions these days to know when it was important to turn to his friends for help.

“Uh, no. Not lately.” Clint looked at Tony now that he’d caught onto his mood, and his expression shifted from one of intense focus to concern. “Why? What’s the matter?”

Tony opened the fridge and pulled out a container of raspberries. Might as well stress-eat snacks if he had to have this conversation.

“Steve and I finally talked about what you were asking about last night, and we… well let’s just say we don’t exactly have the same mindset.”

Clint’s eyes went wide and his hands stilled. “You don’t — not the same mindset? What?”

“Yeah, I know. Shocking. Tony Stark playboy-bachelor-extraordinaire turned guy-who-just-wants-to-settle-down. I just can’t figure out how I’ve been reading things wrong this whole time.”

“Reading things wrong how, exactly?” Clint was choosing his words carefully, his tone reserved and measured as he stared at Tony through narrowed eyes.

“I don’t know, I just thought marriage was something we were both excited about. Not, you know, like right now. But at some point. I didn’t realize how ambivalent Steve was toward the idea.”

Clint stared at him in complete silence.

“Have you lost your mind?” Natasha said, entering the room and the conversation simultaneously. “I could not possibly have heard you say that.”

Tony turned to her. “Right? See, this is what I mean. Didn’t Steve seem like the marrying type to you?”

Nat shot a look at Clint who raised his hands in a way that clearly said ‘don’t look at me, I had nothing to do with this.’ She rolled her eyes.

“Yes, he’s absolutely the marrying type. God, you’re both idiots.” She sighed loudly, her eyes falling closed as she allowed herself a moment to decide what to say next. “What has Steve done now?” she demanded, finally.

So Tony explained. He talked about the sense of wrongness last night at the benefit, the way Steve had cut Clint off in the kitchen and gotten all twitchy — at which point Natasha glared at Clint and said, “I thought you said this wasn’t your doing” — and his disheartening conversation with Steve that morning. He even mentioned his chat with Pepper, against his better judgment.  

By the end, Nat was rubbing her temples like she needed assistance from a higher power to fend off the mother of all headaches. Clint was just sitting there looking vaguely uncomfortable, and Tony couldn’t really blame him. Clint looked at Nat for help, but she only shook her head and then waved him out of the kitchen. He fled, leaving the deconstructed bow behind.

Nat looked at Tony again. Her expression was a unique mix of frustration, concern, and fondness. Tony didn’t know what to make of that.

“Nearly everything you’ve just said is the result of a frankly incredible culmination of several misunderstandings,” she said after a contemplative pause. “Except for what Pepper told you. Anyone would be lucky to call you their husband; she was entirely right about that. And Steve would probably die a little inside if he knew that Pepper was the person to tell you that first instead of him. So, please, let me clarify a few things…”

-

“Welcome home, Captain Dumbass,” Natasha said by way of greeting when Steve got off the tower elevator a couple of hours later.

Steve winced. “I take it you’ve talked to Tony?”

“You could say that. How exactly did you manage to fuck this up so spectacularly?”

“I’ve been asking myself that all day. I’m an idiot. And I really need to talk to him. Do you know where he is?”

“He’s holed up in the workshop, I think. I mean, he knows you, Steve. He’s pretty positive you want to get married someday, so he’s just thinking you don’t want to marry him.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, basically. I tried to explain, but he didn’t really want to hear it from me. Would you please go talk to him?”

“Yes. Yeah, of course. I’m going.”

Steve took off for the stairs, taking them two at a time when he reached them. In his hurry to get down to Tony, he completely missed Natasha’s small, mischievous smirk.

-

Tony was wearing a welding mask and holding a blowtorch when Steve got to him. He was working on something Steve couldn’t see.

That wasn’t the most confusing part of the scene in front of him. Oddly enough, in the main clearing of the workshop, Tony had clearly called the bots into action.

Dum-E was holding a bottle of champagne by its neck and had a print-off image of a bouquet of flowers taped to his metal arm.

U was on camera duty as usual, but Tony didn’t seem to be testing a new type of suit so Steve really didn’t understand the need for a camera. Especially considering JARVIS could just film everything anyway, and usually Tony only asked U to film so the other bot wouldn’t feel left out of the Important Stuff.

“Tony?” Steve called over the quiet roar of the blowtorch.

Tony jumped up, turned off the blowtorch, and pulled his mask off. He turned to Steve with a wide smile.

“Hey!” His smile faltered a little and he looked frustrated for a second. “JARVIS, what the hell happened to my warning?”

“I delivered it, sir. Several times. I believe you opted to ignore me.”

Tony rolled his eyes and walked over to Steve and the bots.

“Nat said you were upset…” Steve said, clearly confused beyond belief. Tony was, well, the opposite of upset. He looked happy, excited even. Maybe a touch nervous? But otherwise, fine.

“Nope, not anymore.” Tony was wearing a black wife beater that allowed the blue glow of the arc reactor to shine through just a little, and a pair of work pants he only ever wore when he was in the shop. He patted at his right pocket for a minute until he found whatever he was looking for. Steve didn’t realize it was a ring box until well after Tony said, “Natasha said it was important to you that this was a surprise, so I thought I could manage that,” and got down on one knee.

Steve was speechless. He’d just been hit with a wave of emotion so strong that he didn’t think he could form words if his life depended on it. He’d come down here to explain and beg for Tony’s forgiveness and now. Well.

“Steve, I never thought I would be lucky enough to fall in love with my best friend. I mean — don’t get me wrong, I knew when I met you that I was going to fall for you. But I never could have predicted how much you mean to me.

“You’re more than just the love of my life. More than just my best friend. You’re my partner, in every sense of the word. My other half. I’m not half as good at anything as I am when I’m doing it next to you. And I would really love to marry you, if you’ll have me. So.” Tony opened the box to reveal that he did, in fact, have a ring. “What do you say?”

Steve let out a small, wet-sounding laugh as he nodded aggressively and reached out to pull Tony back to his feet. Tony let himself be manhandled into a forceful kiss that he melted into immediately. “Yes,” Steve said, the words hot against Tony’s mouth, just to be certain there were no more miscommunications.

After a minute or so, Steve pulled back with a wide smile. Tony returned the smile in force.

“So Nat lied, then?” Steve asked, teasing.

“Same way you did,” Tony shot back just as playful.

Steve’s expression turned serious. “I’m sorry about all of that. I was being stupid. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it, but that’s not what’s most important.

“The only thing that matters is that you know that you make me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. When I woke up seventy years in the future, I never even let myself hope that I’d find what we have. You gave me a place to call home and a family — people that make it a home — without even really trying. You’re everything to me. And if you’ll let me, I’ll gladly spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you make me.”

They both had tears in their eyes all over again. Steve pulled his own ring out of his pocket and held it out for Tony to see. It wasn’t in a box because, well, boxes weren’t exactly easy to hide when you were aiming for the surprise factor.

“I think I can live with that,” Tony said, his voice a little shaky. He took the ring from Steve’s hands and slipped it on his finger. They both smiled when it was a perfect fit, and Tony kissed Steve again.

“I think your ring is on the floor,” Tony said when they parted. “Your fault.”

“Yep, that one’s on me.” Steve was pretty sure he’d knocked the box out of his hands in his desperation to kiss Tony after the proposal. He glanced around them and remembered Dum-E and U. “I guess I don’t have to ask what the bots are doing now, do I?”

“Nope,” Tony said, delighted. “They had to be part of the big surprise. Dum-E, I’ll take the champagne now.” The robot whirred toward them and relinquished the bottle to Tony, the paper flowers taped to his arm swaying slightly. “The flowers were JARVIS’ idea, by the way.”

“Captain Rogers, I feel obliged to inform you that I suggested Master Stark order a bouquet of flowers from the store. Not make use of the printer he uses so infrequently he forgot it existed.”

Steve laughed. Tony patted Dum-E’s claw affectionately before he popped open the champagne with practiced ease.

“It’s perfect.” Steve noticed Dum-E preening under the praise. “And thanks, U, for dutifully recording it all for us.”

The other bot made an excited sound, and Tony smiled fondly as he handed Steve a glass. “I love you,” he said.

“I love you too, Tony.”

“J, you can send the others down if you want.”

JARVIS did, and a minute or two later Steve and Tony were engulfed in a huge group hug to celebrate their newly-engaged status.

[akira-seijuro]

The moment of Fall - Part 1

I am trying to listen to serendipity right now by bts. And it’s still trying to stream on my music player. By the way, do you know what serendipity means? Let me Google it for you.

Well, it means ‘accident, happy accident, chance, happy chance,’ a fucking fluke?! I swear, those are the actual Google results. Why does it sound similar to me at all? Because something happened to me recently. I fell again. I didn’t want to use the word 'love,’ because it is too soon to be so much. But the word 'like’ seems to be pretty small. I blushed the entire day, spent my work in the poetry of my head, not being able to think how to troubleshoot a device because of my heart, yes not my brain this time, my heart. I’ll tell you why later. So, yes my heart could not let my brain tell the steps to my colleague who wanted me to help him troubleshoot. He was staring at me in blank, because he thought I was way too dull all this week. Well, my dear colleague, in my defense, I met the guy only twice and one of them was when it was my mission to unleash all the anger at him and the other was when I was so pissed at his best friend who was my first love and also at his other best friend, who was/is my best friend as well who ditched me that day.

The first time we met was when we were crossing paths at the gates, we stared at each other properly, probably the only time in those 4 years of college. A 3-4 second stare and no shit happened then. I always was intrigued by him and I wanted to talk to him, one, because he was close to 2 people whom I love the most and two because everyone told me he was a difficult person to talk to. It just seemed challenging and I’m really good at such things. The next time was when we sat down for the same interview. The thing is, he didn’t register in my head properly back then, because I was too focused on winning against him in the group discussion. They made 2 groups of the group discussions, both separate and unlinked. Destiny put us in the same group. I was sitting on the right side of the table (extreme bottom side) and he on the left side of the table (non-extreme top side). So it’s easier to say, diagonally towards the corners, but shit didn’t strike before. I was like motherfucking shit, this guy had to be in this group, I’m gonna get him because I was too pissed that he was close to Loki and I’m not. This is an exaggeration. I didn’t want to hurt him. I just didn’t want him to and most of his wing-mates sort of hurt me in one or the other way. So it was just my defense mechanism to get ready for the battle.

If you’re wondering Loki? Yeah, let’s call my first love Loki, my best friend/brother Oikawa (I’m a big fan of Haikyuu and Kuroko-no basuke : Japanese manga/anime - I used to be like Akashi from kuroko nobasuke - then turned to Kageyama - then turned to Iwaizumi from haikyuu, hence Oikawa, the best friend). Let’s call the man in the focus Chris. You’ll understand why in the coming words. I never once thought I’ll write about Chris and the encounter with him but you know life, it just simply sucks. Now I can’t find him on Facebook, probably he deactivated. So I went through Loki’s profile, the irony, but couldn’t find a single thing related to Chris on his wall. First I’m only going through to know his birthday because it has always been a compulsion for me to know the birthdays of people who impress me, I don’t even know why. A few days back, his FB profile picture was Red John smiley. I love Patrick Jane, Simon Baker was amazing playing that role. Are you fucking kidding me?! This guy is actually like 40% Patrick Jane. 40% because Patrick is so cool and positive on the outside and you know, smart too. Well, anyway I asked one of my close friends to check for his dob on LinkedIn because he will get to know if I went through. Let’s see. I don’t think there will be any luck though. So, anyway, I really-really-really- really-really-really like this guy, like Carly-Ray-Jepsen’s song 'I really like you.’ As I am writing all this, it’s becoming easier and it’s sort of like going away I guess or it’s becoming stronger. I can’t differentiate anymore.

My bro, the Oikawa kept telling me that he is the perfect dude for me, I was like dude fuck off. I don’t like any of your wing-mates. Falling for one, turned everything upside down, the next one is not going to be from your wing. And a few days back before it all started, he told me he met a guy who said something that mindfucked him. He didn’t want to tell me because he thought it will mindfuck me as well. I said try me. Then Oikawa said 'The guy I met told me that he will never have kids. The world is so fucked up.’ After 2 days of my clever bro’s contemplation, he asked the guy why? The guy said that world is so fucked up, the government, people and all - something on that lines, he didn’t tell me the exact conversation, so why would you bring kids into a world like this. Guess the first thought in my head, 'He is my fucking Thor.’ Okay, brief flashback - my bro promised me he will find someone for me and I told him even thor had to prove himself to lift the Mjolnir - the hammer. So basically I became the Mjolnir and my the one would be thor. Anyway, I refrained from telling him the first thought in my head and told him, dude, it makes sense obviously. What’s the big deal? Why would you bring people into a world like this? He was woah, this girl isn’t as mindfucked as me. Well, Oikawa, I’m a dark person who understands it better than anyone amongst your circle, Chris is exceptional though. I had a buddha phase in my life where I saw suffering, death, and loss of so many. Then I could not control it anymore and I told him, dude, you met my fucking Thor. Please don’t tell me he is the gay dude from the office because I’m straight. He asked me if I really wanted to know who. I said 'yes, of course.’ He said 'the thor is Chris.’

Fucked. Psyched. Fucked. I fell off as if there is nothing to hold on to. The moment of fall. Yep, that’s when I have decided what I was going to call this writing. Another heartbreak because this guy doesn’t like or can’t to talk or meet people. I don’t know for sure. That doesn’t even make any fucking sense. All those counseling sessions, medications have convinced me that it’s the fucking pheromones that made me fall for Loki, but I didn’t even ever say hi to this guy. Everything had a logical reason behind it until now. After almost exactly 4 years, since 2015, this is the first time it didn’t make any sense at all. I fell for a guy whom I barely saw, like a fictional personality. But he is fucking Real. All the bloody lump of flesh is real. But as my bro said 'that fucking guy is a chuth and the beautiful possibility might be ruined because of him.’ I am being fair now, he is not at all like Kise Ryota from kuroko nobaske, who is so outgoing and swag. Loki is little like Kise. This guy is totally different from Kise if at all he is -infinity% like kise. Strange but known coincidence, he plays basket-ball. I don’t like to use the words 'good, God and happy’ anymore. So I’m gonna say 'sound, nature to assign all the unexplanatory blame, blithe/gleeful.’ I felt so bad that nature is such a bitch it had to take away thor from me and it doesn’t even give me back a captain America. Because of the way we both were born, we can never meet. Ever. The next morning I called Oikawa, chanting fucking asshole while waking up and told him how disturbed I was, I am for Chris. It felt like another heartbreak, the moment I came to know it was him like someone cut my heart into a perfect 2 using scissors instead of a single stab to stop it. I used to have 1% belief when my bro used to tell me he was perfect and 99% bitch please face. Now it became 100% with another zero towards the right at the end. But goddamn, this is not happening. It’s s reality fiction. I called my girlfriend and I asked her if I can come over. She invited me to stay over for the night and I got mindfucked. She was like why dude? Did you forget me or something? Why are you so shocked. It felt so new having someone be so nice to you without even asking after a long time. She asked me to go meet Oikawa in the middle of the night. Even though she was sleeping, she woke up at 11.45 to let me out. 2.20 to let me in and 7.45 to let me out again. Such an awesome friend. I met Oikawa and we talked random stuff like he says. Then I came back and slept beside her on the floor even though she gave me a comfy bed to sleep in. I needed someone, I wouldn’t have minded if it were a hungry tiger sleeping instead of her. But having her made me feel so gleeful that a cold floor felt more comfortable than a fluffy mattress.

I didn’t fall because he is Chris but because I came to know about the existence of a probable person who can understand the darkness with which I’m living in, the darkness that I am. I know all this is might as well just be an image in my head.

Either way, I woke up heartbroken and reasoned with myself on the way back to my place that I’m simply just too broken. So stop searching to trying to fix yourself Akira, you are only breaking yourself further in that process. I am a broken human. My own brain fucks me up, feels bad and tries to make up for it and realizes it has gone way too far and gives up on itself. I am that broken. I’ll probably never have kids too because I’m too broken to have them, not because the world is fucked up Chris. I would like to tell you something. The world is fucked up, but with one person to love and to care and to understand like how you’d want her to, the world is not just livable, its everything but unworthy. The words sad, grief, depression, anxiety would still be applicable, so will the words happy, enjoyable and amazing. I know I just said the word happy. You might lose that person whom you have found, she might die later, but I’m sure she will give you all that you need to be hopeful forever. Let me love you, you will know. Serendipity ends now. Thank you, Jimin Park, for that beautiful song.

But you won’t let me in Chris. So it’s all still broken for both of us. Because we both are broken by our own unloved lives, but I think if it’s our love together, it’ll be happily livable and hopeful. But I know the way we were born doesn’t allow it. All I’m saying is we can still change it, we can bear anything if we can choose. Even if it's your worst fear, it's bearable if you choose. The choice is yours.

If you guys are wondering whether my friend found him on LinkedIn, yes she did. But that fucking asshole didn’t mention his dob in bio.