#and it made me feel so much better because i woke up today almost crying

[ornateorchid]

thinking about poly 141 x reader when you have a bad day at work :/

warnings: fem!afab!reader, one moment of smut (oral f!receiving), fluff, comfort, pet names

It was another one of those days where everything went wrong. You woke up late, spilled your drink in your car, ran into the door, and had to flag down a janitor to unlock your office because you left your keys at home. And that was just in the morning. By the afternoon, you were exhausted and wanted away from everyone. Your boss had assigned another upcoming project and your group is full of the most miserable, insufferable people you could come across. They argued over everything and you just had to sit back and hope they wouldn't make you pick sides.

Usually, you would go home and cry and eat ice cream while watching your comfort movies after a day like this. But your boys were home from deployment, so you knew they wouldn't let that happen.

-----

When you walked through the front door, Simon and John were setting the table while Johnny and Kyle were playing video games in the living room.

"Welcome home, love," Simon said as he gave you a quick peck on the cheek.

"Hey, darling. How was your day?" John asked as he set down the utensils.

You ignored both of them and made a b-line for Kyle and Johnny. Not because you favored them, but because you desperately needed someone to hold you. You climbed onto the couch and buried yourself in Johnny's arms. He paused the game and chuckled as he held you tightly, rubbing your back as you whined.

"Rough day?" Kyle asked, looking at you with concern.

You nodded, holding tighter to Johnny's shirt. You didn't even realize you were crying, but the tears were flowing.

"Wha' happened, bonnie?" Johnny asked, kissing your temple.

"I'm tired," you sobbed. "Today has been terrible."

"Aw, c'mere," Kyle said, opening his arms.

You immediately crawled into his lap and hid your face in his neck, letting him hold you close. Johnny scooted closer and rubbed your back, cooing softly. Simon and John came into the living room, both frowning.

"Everything alright?" John asked, sitting on the other side of Kyle and rubbing your arm.

"Just a bad day, it seems," Kyle said, rubbing your side.

"It was terrible," you cried. "Everyone was arguing. I didn't get enough sleep. And I forgot my keys and couldn't get into my office."

"Sounds like a shitty day," Simon said, coming around and kissing your cheek. "Did you eat?"

You shook your head. "No time," you sniffed. "And I wasn't hungry anyway."

"How about we eat dinner, then we'll get ya a bath and cuddle for the rest of the night, a'right?" Johnny suggested, running his hand along your back.

"That sounds nice," you sighed, relaxing against Kyle.

"Alright, you get some more cuddles while we finish up dinner," Simon said, patting your head.

"You wanna go change into something more comfortable, love?" Kyle murmurs as he presses kisses onto the top of your head. You nod and he carries you to the bedroom, gently setting you on the bed.

He turns around and starts rummaging through the dresser while making small talk. You only give short, one-word answers whenever he asks a question, mostly just listening.

"You wanna know what helps me feel better after a stressful day?" he asks, a smirk on his face. You can't see it since his back is still turned towards you, but you can hear it in the tone of his voice that he's up to no good.

"Hm?" you ask, and he turns around and places a pair of sweatpants and one of Simon's shirts on the bed. He walks closer to where you're sitting on the bed and leans down to your level. "An orgasm," he says quietly. "Only if you want to, of course. It's up to you, love."

On one hand, it sounds nice. But on the other hand, you were tired and didn't feel like doing much.

Almost like he read your mind, Kyle rubs your arm and says, "You just have to lay here and look pretty. You know I love giving."

"Please?" you whine, pouting.

"Of course, sweetheart," he said, leaning in and pressing his lips to yours. You kissed back, reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck. He slowly pushed you down onto the bed, settling between your legs.

"Let me know if it's too much, yeah?" he murmured as he unbuttoned your shirt. You hummed in agreement, too focused on the feeling of his lips on your skin. He trailed kisses down your neck, sucking and nipping gently.

His hand snaked their way up to your chest, rubbing and squeezing. His hand slipped inside your bra, cupping and fondling your breast. You moan and arch into his touch, loving the attention.

He kissed and sucked his way down your chest, removing his hand from your bra. He quickly undid the button on your pants, sliding the zipper down. You lifted your hips and he pulled them off, tossing them to the side. He slid his hand under your underwear and cupped your pussy.

"Already wet," he purred, rubbing your clit with his thumb. You moaned softly, hips rocking.

"So pretty, laid out for me like this," he murmurs. "Gonna take care of you, baby."

He hooked his fingers on the waistband of your panties, slowly pulling them down. Once they were off, he sat back and stared at your naked body.

"So gorgeous," he muttered, leaning down and kissing your pussy. He slowly licked from your entrance to your clit, flicking it with his tongue.

"Such a sweet girl," he murmured, his mouth vibrating against you. He kissed your thigh before sucking and nipping at the sensitive flesh. He moved further down, leaving hickeys in his wake.

He reached your inner thigh and bit down harder than before, drawing a loud moan from your throat. He soothed the bite mark with his tongue, moving back up.

"Love you," he said, pressing a soft kiss to your clit. He moved down and licked around your entrance, moaning softly. "God, you taste so good," he groaned. "I could do this all day."

You whimpered, gripping his hair. He hummed and slipped his tongue inside, curling and thrusting it in and out. He reached up and rubbed your clit with his thumb, and your body started trembling.

He continued his assault, alternating between licking and sucking at your clit and thrusting his tongue in and out. Right then, there was a knock on the door and John walked in. "Dinner's rea- oh."

He looked surprised, but not angry. Kyle didn't stop, only smirking at John as he continued eating you out. "Well, I guess you're already eating," John said, walking over and rubbing your hip. Kyle hummed, licking your pussy slowly.

"John," you moaned, reaching for him. He smiled and took your hand, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to your knuckles. "Kyle's taking good care of you, yeah?"

"Mhm," you sighed. Kyle had moved back down, thrusting his tongue in and out as fast as possible. John chuckled, squeezing your hand.

"You like that, huh?" he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

You nodded your head and moaned loudly, back arching. Kyle hummed and pressed his tongue deeper inside, rubbing his nose against your clit. You came with a cry, gripping his hair. He continued licking and sucking as you rode out your high, slowing down as your body went slack.

"That's a good girl," John said, patting your thigh. He kissed your cheek and stood, smiling "Come join us when you're ready," he said, turning and leaving.

Kyle looked up at you, smiling. "Feel better?"

"Much better," you replied, nodding.

"Good," he said, kissing your pussy once more. He climbed off the bed and helped you get dressed, pressing soft kisses all over your face.

"Love you," he said, wrapping his arm around your waist.

"I love you too," you replied, burying your face in his side.

He led you out of the room and into the kitchen, where John was already eating and Simon was pouring drinks.

"Hey, bonnie," Johnny said, smiling. "Feeling better?"

You nodded, blushing. Simon walked over and kissed your cheek, handing you a glass of water.

"Glad to hear it," he said, sitting down next to Kyle.

"You're a sneaky bastard, Garrick," Simon whispers, and leans over to kiss his Sergeant on the mouth.

" 'M well aware, Lieutenant," Kyle smirks. "Couldn't resist the opportunity."

Simon chuckled and shook his head, and John smiled at the exchange.

"Come eat, darling," John said, patting the chair next to him. You sat down, and he kissed your cheek, wrapping an arm around you.

"Thank you," you mumbled, leaning into his side.

"Of course, darling," he said, smiling. "You've had a tough day; you deserve a little extra affection."

You blushed, burying your face in his neck. He chuckled and rubbed your side, kissing the top of your head.

After dinner, the five of you watched a movie. You were curled up in Johnny's lap, his strong arms wrapped around you. Simon's head was in your lap, while Kyle was snuggling with John on the loveseat. You were half asleep by the time the movie was over, and Johnny chuckled, kissing the top of your head.

"Ready for bed, bonnie?" he asked, running his hand along your arm.

"Mhm," you mumbled, cuddling closer to him.

"Let's get you to bed then," he said, scooping you up. You nuzzled his neck, sighing softly. He carried you to the bedroom, setting you on the bed.

"You wanna shower first, lovie?" Simon asked when he walked into the bedroom. You nodded your head, and he smiled.

"Okay, darling. We'll be quick," he said, kissing your forehead.

Once everyone was done showering and changing, they climbed into bed. You were laying on top of Simon, John on one side rubbing your back and Kyle and Johnny snuggling on the other.

"Feeling better?" Simon asked, rubbing your side.

"Much better," you mumbled, resting your head on his chest.

"Good," he said, kissing the top of your head.

John leaned over and pressed a kiss to your cheek, smiling.

"We're glad you're feeling better," he said, "Get some rest, darling."

"I love you," you said, yawning.

"We love you too," Simon said, and John nodded.

They were asleep soon after, and you followed suit. Today may have started terribly, but the end definitely made up for it.

a/n: GRAHHH i hate the ending but this has been festering in my drafts for weeks and i wanted it OUT.

divider by @saradika

[riverbutghost]

Guilty Eyes

Pairing: Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley x Fem!Reader

Summary: After getting(definitely not getting)your lieutenant shot, you felt guilty and didn’t leave your room or interact with anyone. But eventually, it had to be stopped.

Warning: Mentions of wounds, burns, curses… again rushed

“No-“

Simon pushed you out of his way pretty harshly, not even considering it in the first place to be honest. You stumbled and fell down, shrieking at the sight of your lieutenant getting shot.

“Ghost!”

You shrieked again, quickly getting up and rushing towards him. He closed his eyes for a second before holding his vest.

“I-“

He cut you off, his eyes shot opened as he heard your voice. He took a breath in.

“Don’t Sergeant. We’ll talk about your fuckin’ stupid behavior later.”

You were dumbfounded at his comment. What did you do?

“Wha-“

He cut you off again, making your headache worse.

“I said don’t.”

You shut your mouth and looked down. Maybe it was your fault that he got shot, and he was angry? You weren’t sure.

“Soap, right here!”

You yelled at the sight of your friend, who seemed scared just like you for his lieutenant. You looked down at his wound, holding it tightly just in case.

“Please…”

You mumbled to the air. You were scared, he could’ve let you save him and maybe get shot in the arm? But no, he was Simon fucking Riley, a stubborn ghost.

“M’fine.”

He muttered angrily, his voice cold towards you. Soap came right next to you.

“Oh my heavens, LT!”

You couldn’t help but feel guilty all of a sudden. If you were more persistent about saving him, he shouldn’t have been shot.

“M’sorry.”

You sniffled, and Simon’s eyes shot up to you.

“Don’t cry, m’fine.” His eyes softened, and his hand came right up to yours. He squeezed your hand and you shook.

“Heli is on the way.” Soap informed you two. You knew he would survive, but the guilt would never leave.

-

It had been a week since you last saw any of your teammates. You were in your room, constantly reading books or doing nothing at all. You would wake up earlier than them, eat anything you could find and work out. You would get a few snacks as dinner.

Today was the same.

You woke up around 5. You crept down to the kitchen and grabbed an apple, eating it while making your coffee. Putting your apple in the trash, you grabbed your hot Americano and turned around.

“Fuck!”

You shrieked as your hot coffee was met with a muscular chest. The person in front of you hissed, making you panic and put your mug down.

“Fuck- I’m so sorry. Are you okay? Fuck- I didn’t know-“

Your breath hitched as you made eye contact with Ghost. Your heart clenched. You closed your mouth and stared up at him.

He looked good. He looked healthy, almost like his usual self. But his eyes were heavy, with..sleep?

“Does it burn?”

You asked stupidly and he tilted his head. You just gulped and took his hand, guiding him out of the kitchen. Simon followed you like a lost puppy, eyes never leaving your hand on his.

As you were thinking about where to go, he took a quick left and slammed you into the wall. You gasped, heart pounding. It was like his mind switched off from being startled to angry.

“You didn’t visit.”

Your eyes dropped to the ground as his eyes were too much to handle. They were raging, but a little hurt was there too.

“I-“

You pursed your lips, looking up at him again.

“And wait, you tried taking the bullet? What the fuck were you thinking? You think it would be better? Fuck nah..”

You swallowed down the lump in your throat, not daring to look at him in his eyes again.

“I’m sorry-“

He slammed his fist into the wall next to your head. You flinched, eyes closing in an instant.

“Don’t fuckin’ lie. If you were sorry, you could have come and visit me.”

Your eyes started watering after his last words, because of the hurt and betrayal he had experienced.

“Don’t fuckin’ cry now. Jesus fuck..”

You looked down, even if he was right he was hurting you.

“I- I felt guilty. I feel guilty.”

You admitted after seconds of silence, and broke down sobbing.

Simon stood there, trying to process what you had said.

“I-I tried to take the bullet! You pushed me, Simon. I’m sorry but yo-you-“

Another hiccup stopped your sentence, snapping Simon out of his mindset.

“Why didn’t you come?” He rolled down after you, and you sniffled.

“I told you!”

Simon just shook his head, all the thoughts that were made up left his mind.

He took your hands off of your face and pushed them aside. He cupped your chin, stroking it gently. You looked up at him with soft eyes.

“I’m sorry, I thought you didn’t care about me. Because I care about you. A lot, sweet girl.”

Your eyes widened at the sudden confession, making Simon nervous about the thing he had said.

“I do. A lot, Simon. I’m sorry I should’ve came. Forgive me?”

Simon’s eyes softened a little, head tilted to the side as he got up and pulled you into his arms.

“I’ll forgive you, if you’ll forgive me.”

You chuckled a little, voice still hoarse.

“Okay,”

You smiled at him, throwing your arms around him as he started walking.

“Your coffee wasn’t hot, by the way.”

[slut4thebroken]

Erotomania pt. 2

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Pairing | Jonathan Crane x reader

Summary | Jon isn’t adjusting as well as you thought he would and his behavior finally breaks you.

Warnings | Angst, violence (on accident lol), blood, eating disorder? (technically), slow burn, a lil bit of sexual tension, he’s still really mean, and a little whiny lol.

Words | 4.3 k

Notes | Ty for everyone who helped me out w this lol.

Ao3 link | <3

Fic Masterlist

Main Masterlist

gif: @kittenonpluto

Part 1

The following morning, you woke up to your alarm and immediately turned it off. Your head hurt, your eyes felt puffy, and you were just so tired and drained. So you decided to call off work. As you were trying to fall back asleep, you almost didn’t register the sound of your door opening because of how tired you were. 

“You’re going to be late.” You whined and buried your face in the pillow. 

“I’m not going.” You mumbled. 

“Get up. I don’t want to be stuck with you the entire day.” He said sternly, bringing back all the emotions you were feeling last night. 

“I’ll stay in here then. I don’t exactly feel like doing much else besides this.” The bitterness in your tone was mostly overshadowed by the sadness you were desperately trying to hide. You waited for his response, but after a while, he just slammed the door shut. 

True to your word, you mostly stayed in your room. You left to go to the bathroom and sometimes get food, but you didn’t eat with him. The day was spent reading, doing some work to make up for missing a day, trying to distract yourself so you didn’t make yourself cry, and moping. Every time you went out he was always in the exact same spot. Before dinner, you showered and changed into some clean pajamas, not wanting to physically feel the same way you felt mentally. 

“Have you eaten today?” He almost seemed startled by your voice. “If you tell me what you want, I can try to make it.” You said softly. He didn’t respond or look at you and you sighed before continuing. “Why aren’t you eating?” You were quickly growing frustrated with his behavior. 

“You’re the psychologist, you tell me.” Deep down you knew why, especially based on his words yesterday, but you were still hoping it would be because of some kind of temporary hunger strike or something instead. 

“You’d really rather die than be here with me?” You couldn’t help the way your voice broke. 

“Yes.” He spat and you immediately frowned as your bottom lip trembled. 

“Fine.” You grabbed a carving knife from the knife stand and stormed over to him, making him quickly stand up and take a step away from you. Once you were a few feet from him, you tossed the knife onto the ground in front of him. “Do it then. If this is so terrible and you hate me so much then just fucking do it.” He stared at the knife and you waited impatiently. 

“Or better yet, kill me.” That made him look up again. “I know you want to— and I can’t fucking take this anymore so just do it.” He stared at you, then narrowed his eyes. 

“Are you serious? My rejection is making you suicidal?” He scoffed. Your eyes burned with tears and you rushed forward, making him step back, but you reached for the knife on the floor instead of him. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Now that it’s in your hand, you don’t know how you should do it— The carotid should hopefully be quick. When you raised the knife, he rushed forward and grabbed your arm, yanking it away from you. 

“Stop!” You cried, pulling back against his hold, trying to wrench yourself free. 

“Are you fucking crazy?” He asked, beginning to raise his voice now. His grip on your arm tightened as his other hand tried to take the knife from you. When you let out a choked sob and started crying, your arm went slack and the force of him pulling it away from yourself made your hand fly toward him. He couldn’t stop it before the blade sliced the top of his chest, making you gasp as he winced. He released you and staggered back, and you dropped the knife as if it had burned you. 

“Oh god— fuck. Are you okay?” His hand was pressed tight to the wound so you couldn’t see how bad it was but the pain on his face was evident. When you moved toward him, he stepped back again. 

“Don’t fucking touch me.” Even through the pain, his tone was still incredibly harsh. 

“I- I’m sorry. It was an accident.” You took another tentative step and he did the same, but his back met the wall. He leaned his weight against it and took a deep breath as his eyes fluttered shut. You quickly wiped your tears and tried to calm down long enough to think of what to do. 

As you examined him, you noticed the blood seeping through his fingers as his arm grew tired holding his hand tightly against the wound. You also noticed how pale and sweaty he got in that short amount of time. He was putting as much of his weight on the wall as he could now. 

Deciding to start with the imperative, you moved closer until you were in front of him and removed his hand to look at the wound, then put pressure on it. It wasn’t… that bad— it wouldn’t need stitches, but it still almost made you gag. He winced and opened his eyes as if to make sure he wasn’t just imagining you daring to come this close. 

“Get the fuck.. off…” His words slurred together and you could tell he was fighting to keep his eyes open. When his knees buckled, you tried to hide your distress, but that and the blood seeping through your fingers made it almost impossible to do so. 

“Okay.. okay, hang on.” You looked around for something to absorb the bleeding but there was nothing nearby other than a blanket that you haven’t washed recently. Tentatively releasing him, making sure he wouldn’t fall, you took your shirt off— feeling incredibly grateful that you decided to wear a bra— and pushed it against the wound. He let out a pained groan and your heart panged, knowing you were only worsening his suffering. “I know, I’m sorry. I have to press hard though.” He didn’t respond and just started sliding down the wall as his eyes fluttered shut. “Fuck.. fall on the couch, fall on the couch,” You held him up and guided him to the couch just as he lost consciousness. 

You could feel his chest moving under your hands so you knew he wasn’t dead, you were just worried about how to solve the malnutrition issue while he was unconscious. It’s not like you have an IV… so you’ll just have to wait until he’s awake. 

Lifting your shirt from his chest, you checked on the bleeding— it was definitely less, but it was still bleeding a decent amount. So you continued pushing down on it. While you waited, you let out a heavy breath and closed your eyes. That escalated so quickly, it felt like you’d been holding your breath since you picked up the knife. 

After a few minutes you checked again and decided it would be okay for you to run to the bathroom to grab a few things as well as some water and painkillers really quickly. When you returned, you kneeled on the couch next to him and tried to lift up the shirt he was wearing. Since it was yours, it was already a little tight on him, so it barely moved, especially because his back was against the couch. 

Minding the gash, you carefully took both sides of the now cut fabric and pulled as hard as you could. It ripped a lot easier than you were expecting though and was now torn from the collar to the bottom hem. You cleared your throat and tried to keep your eyes on the wound, but couldn’t help it when your eyes strayed to the exposed skin. You could distinctly see the outline of his sternum and ribs and you stifled a gasp as you pushed the shirt open more— no wonder he passed out, he looks like he hasn’t eaten in weeks. 

The sight of blood trailing down his chest snapped you out of your trance and you made quick work of using the damp washcloth to clean as much of the blood off as you could. When he wakes up, you’ll have him go to the bathroom so he can wash with soap and water, but for now you covered it with the largest bandaid you had, then sagged back into the couch with a heavy breath, just needing a second to calm down. 

After what felt like hours but was only about 15 minutes, he woke up with a groan. You grabbed the water bottle and took out three pills, having them ready for him. His eyes fluttered open, squinting at the bright light, and he scowled when he saw you next to him. 

“Take this.” You held it out to him and he looked down at his chest, then let his head fall back into the couch again as his eyes closed. “Please take it. It’ll help with the pain.”

“How did I get here?” He rasped, voice strained. 

“You passed out and I wanted you to fall here instead of the floor.” You wanted to reprimand him for not eating but you knew now wasn’t the time. It almost seemed like he wasn’t taking the painkillers out of spite, but after a moment, he huffed and held his hand out. You handed everything to him and he only drank enough water to take the pills. 

“You have to drink it. The whole reason you passed out is because of how malnourished you are.” You urged gently. 

“The whole reason I passed out is because you stabbed me.” 

“Jon, please just drink it.” You said, exacerbated. All he did was glare at you so you let out a disappointed sigh and stood up to go to the kitchen. He didn’t say anything as you started pulling things out and cooking. You weren’t exactly sure what the best option would be for malnutrition and blood loss, but you figured something with high protein and iron would be a good start. 

When you walked back over with a plate of grilled chicken breast and steamed spinach, he raised his brows as you held it out to him. You were pleased to see that while you were busy, he did drink some of the water. 

“What?” He asked, when you just waited for him to take it. 

“You need to eat. Clearly you don’t want to starve to death since you tried to stop me so just quit being so goddamn stubborn and eat the fucking food.” Your tone got significantly harsher by the end of the sentence and he almost seemed shocked. After a moment, he huffed, but took it from you anyway. You sat down next to him and tried to ignore how the smell of the chicken was roaring your stomach back to life. 

“After you finish eating, you should clean it with soap and water.” You said quietly. “I can help if you want.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“I haven’t used that knife in ages, it wasn’t exactly sterile. You need to clean it or it’ll get infected.” 

“I’ve had worse.” Now that you weren’t focused on the large gash, you could see a few scars on the exposed skin of his torso. 

“Fine.” You stood up and left to grab two clean washcloths, a bottle of soap, and a bowl that you filled with water. When you walked back over and set the items on the coffee table, he narrowed his eyes and scowled at you, watching you get down on your knees in front of him. You reached for the bandage and he circled your wrist in a bruising grip. So you moved your other hand forward and he did the same thing, but winced when the motion made his shoulder shift. “If you let me do this I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the night.” 

“We’re not going to fucking play nurse. I can do it myself.” He spat. 

“I believe you. But I don’t believe that you actually will.” You challenged, making him roll his eyes with a scoff. “The quickest way to get rid of me is to let me do this.” He clenched his jaw and looked away from you for a moment, then released your wrists, letting you continue with your original plan of removing the bandage. When you ripped it off, he hissed in pain and you glanced at him nervously. “Sorry.” You said sheepishly. 

You hesitantly pushed the shirt open a little more, worried it would make him snap, but he just glared at you, letting you do it. Once you had enough room, you dipped the washcloth in the water then squirted some soap on it and worked it into the fabric. Getting up on your knees a little more, you shuffled closer, ignoring the feeling of his leg against your side— or… trying to, at least.

“I'm sorry again.” You said quietly as you started cleaning it. “I really didn’t mean for that to happen.” When you looked up at him, he was still watching you carefully, his guard fully up. “I’ll see if I can get something stronger for the pain when I go back to work.” You let your focus move back down to the task at him, trying not to blush under the heat of his gaze. 

“That’s illegal, you know.” He murmured, sounding uncharacteristically… neutral. 

“So is breaking out a criminal.” You countered. You didn’t really like talking about him like that though. Sure, he’s technically a criminal, but anyone failed that many times was bound to walk away without their sanity completely intact.

“You think I deserve to be in there?” He asked after a moment of silence. You couldn’t decipher his tone and you looked up at him again, his eyes a little softer now. 

“I don’t think anyone deserves to be in that hell hole.” 

“That’s not what I asked.” Your hand slowed to a stop, resting against his chest. 

“I think… given your history, it would’ve been a miracle if you grew up “normal.’” You said quietly. “I think you deserve to be in there for the things you’ve done, but not just to be imprisoned, to get help.” 

“If you’re going to survive there, you need to learn this sooner rather than later; the people in there have no remorse for what they’ve done, and neither do I.” He warned. 

“I can’t let myself believe that.” 

“Those people don’t want to be saved. I mean seriously, did you think our little talk sessions would change me? Make me a better man?” He cooed mockingly, making you frown. 

“I hoped they’d help you work through your trauma. After that? I wouldn’t need to do much else.” He scoffed at that, all but rolling his eyes. 

“You think I don’t know how to identify the root of what made me so fucked up?” His voice was back to the viciousness that you’ve started getting used to. 

“No, I think you do know how to identify it. I just think you don’t know how to overcome it.” You said calmly, trying not to agitate him any further. 

“I do not need to be lectured about trauma by someone who would’ve been my subordinate.” He snapped. 

“I’m not lecturing you, Jon. And don’t you think there’s maybe a reason why you’re getting so defensive right now?” He clenched his jaw and let out a heavy breath through his nose. 

“Fine. If you’re so interested in psychoanalysis, why don’t we talk about you then?” 

“That’s not what I’m doing,” 

“Your need for my praise and approval is almost pathetic.” He cut you off, making your mouth instantly close. “You’re so fucking desperate for it— Why do you think that is?” He tilted his head slightly and you swallowed the lump in your throat, barely able to look at him. “You break down at just the slightest amount of rejection. I mean for fucks sake- you literally tried to kill yourself because of it.” 

“Stop it, Jon.” You said quietly. 

“C’mon.. I’m sure you’ve heard of something that fits that description, even if it’s not an official disorder.” He said facetiously. “Personally, I think I’d just use the word “delusional.’” 

“That’s not what this is! I love you.” He raised his brows and gave you a knowing look, so you doubled down. “Being in love does not make me crazy.” 

“No, it doesn’t. But kidnapping someone and trying to kill yourself because you were rejected certainly does.” You paused and tried to control your expression so he didn’t know how much his words were affecting you. 

“I didn’t.. kidnap you. I got you out of there, like you wanted.” You said quietly. “And having you here is keeping you safe from being found and sent back to Arkham again.” He scoffed a disbelieving laugh and looked away from you. So you sighed and resumed cleaning the wound. 

“Whatever you need to tell yourself to help you sleep at night.” He muttered, making your frown deepen. You looked at him for another moment, then sighed and tried to finish cleaning quickly. 

Once you were done and another bandage was in place, you got up and headed toward your bedroom. You searched your closet for something he could wear, but the only thing you had that he’d be able to get into easily was a zip up hoodie. So you grabbed that and walked back out, which he clearly wasn’t pleased with since he probably thought you’d be gone longer. 

“Lean forward.” You said softly, sitting next to him to help put it on, making him scowl. 

“I can dress myself.” He spat and you sighed, but agreed, watching him struggle to get it on. Eventually, he succeeded and you leaned back on the couch when he continued eating, keeping your eyes down so you didn’t make him uncomfortable. “Are you planning on staying half nude?” Your entire face heated up when you realized you’ve yet to replace your shirt. You were just so anxious and upset that you didn’t even notice it. 

“N-no. Sorry.” Your voice cracked embarrassingly and you stood up to go grab a shirt from your room. He was on the last few bites of food when you walked back out. “Are you feeling any better?” 

“It fucking hurts.” He grumbled. You checked the time, seeing that it was already past seven. 

“I can try and go right now to get you something for the pain.” You suggested and he scoffed in response. 

“Do you want to lose your job?” That made you frown— you just wanted to help. “You stop by after hours for whatever reason and eventually they notice something’s missing and you think you won’t be made the primary suspect immediately?”  

“Okay, I get it.” You sighed. “I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.” You looked away from him as you thought of what else you could do. There aren’t any over the counter pain relievers that are any stronger than what you already gave him. “Wait,” You suddenly stood up and walked toward the kitchen. “I don’t know if you have a preference but either way it should help. It affects the central nervous system so the pain doesn’t seem as bad,”

“I know how it works, I’m not an idiot.” He snapped. “But you must be if you think I’ll willingly intoxicate myself around you.” Even though his words stung, you tried not to take it personally and just move on from the insult. 

“It’ll help, Jon.” 

“I don’t care.” You sighed, then walked back over and sat down again, keeping your eyes on your lap. You felt horrible. The only reason he’s in pain is because you were acting irrationally. 

“I know it won’t make it better, but I really am sorry.” You said quietly, chancing a glance at him. 

“I thought you promised to leave me alone if I let you play nurse.” He huffed. 

“Right. Okay, I’ll… I’ll go.” You cleared your throat and tried to hide your disappointment as you stood up. “If you want to shower, there are towels in the hall closet.” You offered. When he didn’t respond again, you sighed quietly and went to your room to leave him alone. 

You woke in the middle of the night and tried to go back to sleep since you had to be up for work in a few hours, but you couldn’t shake the anxious feeling that something happened while you were asleep. Like the wound was infected and he was dead. 

That thought was a little extreme, but it was enough to get you out of bed to go check on him. He was asleep, laying on his back, and you moved closer to slowly unzip the jacket enough to see it. He hadn’t bled through the bandaid and you gently lifted a corner to see inside. Everything looked fine. At least you thought it did… You’re not that kind of doctor. 

When you zipped it back up, you couldn’t help but stare at him for a moment. He looked so peaceful, not angry or full of hatred. You wished he’d look like that all the time. 

Once you were satisfied knowing he wasn’t dead, you managed to fall back asleep. When you got up again, you somehow woke up fully after the first alarm so you were about twenty minutes ahead of schedule. You walked into the kitchen, still in your pajamas, and saw that he was awake this time. 

“Do you want some coffee? Actually,” you knew he wouldn’t answer it like that, “how do you take your coffee?” He scoffed a laugh and you couldn’t help but blush even though he was clearly laughing at you, not with you. 

“Black.” Was all he said, but it made you smile so big that it almost hurt your cheeks. It felt like you were finally getting somewhere with him. Walking over with two mugs, you handed one to him, then sat down, much to his displeasure. “Don’t you have to get ready?” 

“I woke up early.” You shrugged, taking a sip of the coffee. “You need to eat and quite frankly I don’t have many options here so I’m going to stop somewhere after work. What do you want?”

“I’m fine.” He muttered, drinking the coffee and keeping his eyes straight ahead instead of on you. 

“That’s not what I asked.” You said firmly— you had no clue where this boldness was coming from. He looked over at you with raised brows, almost… impressed.. by your audacity. “There must be something you’ve been craving since being in there. Tell me what it is and I’ll get it.” He huffed but seemed to understand that the quickest way to get rid of you is to just answer. 

“There’s a Southern place in Otisburg, right across the street from the Botanical Gardens. I don’t have a preference, I like everything they have.” You smiled, happy that you finally got a real answer out of him. Even though it’s out of your way, you’re excited that he actually shared something with you and agreed to eat. 

“Perfect. I can stop by the store too. Do you want anything specific for breakfast or lunch?” 

“Eggs.” He said simply, almost making you laugh. 

“Eggs it is. Anything else?” 

“What you have here is fine.” At least that means he looked and considered eating. 

“Do you like the coffee? Or should I get a different one.” He huffed, clearly getting annoyed with your questions. 

“It's coffee.” 

“Well, I like blonde roast. I don’t know if you prefer dark roast or something.” You said defensively. He didn’t answer so you assumed that meant he didn’t care what kind of coffee you had. You checked the time and decided you could sit here for five more minutes before you should start getting ready. You didn’t want to bother him so you just stared out the window, smiling at the way the morning sun was peeking through the buildings. If you ignored the very obvious contempt he has for you, this moment could’ve been perfect. 

“Does it still hurt?” You asked, turning to face him and blushing when you noticed his eyes were already on you. He didn’t seem bothered by the fact that he’d been caught though. 

“Not as much.” He finally looked away and took another drink. 

“Do you think you still need something stronger than what I have here?” 

“I’ll be fine.” His tone left no room for argument, but you could tell he wasn’t being truthful. 

“Okay…” You said, still unsure. “Can I just check it really quick? Then I’ll leave you alone and go get ready.” He let out an exasperated huff and rolled his eyes, annoyed by your concern. But once again, he seemed to understand that the fastest way to get rid of you was to just agree. 

“Fine.” He grumbled, leaning back on the couch. You set your mug on the coffee table and scooched closer to him, getting on your knees on the couch so you could fully face him. You slowly reached for the zipper as if approaching a wild animal that could attack at any moment. He didn’t say or do anything as you unzipped it and pushed it aside. You lifted half of the bandage and leaned closer to get a better look as your fingers delicately ran over the skin around it. 

“It looks like it’s scabbing.” You said absentmindedly. “So that’s good at least.” When you looked up at him, you suddenly noticed how close you’d gotten. You also noticed the way his eyes snapped up from your body to your face. You blushed, now hyper aware of the small, thin pajama set you were wearing. Clearing your throat, you quickly zipped up the hoodie again and leaned back. “It— Try to wash it today please.” He almost looked amused by your flustered state. “I… I should— I’m going to get ready now.” You quickly grabbed your mug and stood up, practically running to your room. 

Part 3

Again, sorry it’s cut a little awkwardly lol. This was written as a one shot.

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@cillianslvt @69your-best-night-mare69

[love-kurdt]

Swooping, Sloping, Cursive Letters: 10

word count: 637

PLEASE READ THIS IS ME TRYING FIRST, AS THIS STORY RELIES HEAVILY UPON THE CONTEXT OF TIMT

June 11, 1988

Dear Will,

It’s 2:03am right now, and I can’t fall asleep. You may be asking, “Why can’t you fall asleep, Michael?” Well, William, I can’t fall asleep because I keep thinking about how much I want to kiss you. And in case you didn’t know, I want to kiss you a lot.

I think about you and those fucking gorgeous lips almost every waking moment. And the urge to follow through with my desire to kiss you always gets stronger whenever you’re in the room. Which is unfortunate, since you’re always in the room now— specifically my room, because it’s summer, so of course we’re hanging out every day. We made that stupid promise to dedicate one-on-one time to just the two of us. If only “one-on-one” was synonymous with “you-on-me.” Or “me-on-you”…? Either would work for me, honestly. But there’s something about the thought of you straddling me and leaning your entire body weight onto me that makes me weak in the knees. I’m kind of glad your mom wanted you home tonight, because there’s only so long I can refrain from lunging into your space and holding your face in between my hands and

—

I swear to God you’re in my walls, Will. Because the second I went down the horniest tangent these letters have ever seen, your voice came through on my walkie, asking if I was still awake. Your breathing sounded congested and labored, like you’d just been crying. Of course, I threw my pen down onto my desk and answered. You told me you’d had a nightmare, and that I was the first person you thought of after you woke up. I know this is kind of fucked up, but I felt a small sense of pride that you hadn’t gone to El or Jonathan first. But then you told me that your nightmare had been about me, and that pride was instantly ripped out of my chest. Before I could apologize for anything Nightmare Mike could have said or done, you told me that I had been cursed by Vecna and you couldn’t save me in time. You broke down in the middle of describing my bones snapping, and all I wanted to do was hold you and tell you that it was okay, that I’m still here. So I did.

I snuck out and biked over to your house, climbed the trellis below your bedroom window, and knocked. You let me in with wide eyes, and I just stood there for a second, catching my breath. I am not athletic at all. I can’t say the same about you; your muscle definition in the tank top you were wearing made me feel a little dizzy. But this was not the time for pining, so I took a step towards you and pulled you in for a hug. You smushed your entire face into my sternum, and I could feel new tears wetting my shirt. I just held you tighter, rubbing my hand up and down your back as you cried. A while later, you pulled back to apologize, but I reassured you that it was okay before smoothing your bangs back and kissing you on the forehead. I thought you’d freak out at my impulsivity (at least, that’s what I was doing, internally), but you just smiled up at me and hugged me again. You probably chalked it up to me being a good friend. And I’m glad you think so. I’m trying to be a better friend.

I eventually had to go back home, since my parents are dragging me to see Nana tomorrow (today?) and they’d be mad if they found my room empty in the morning. I wish I could’ve stayed. I promise I’ll make it up to you sometime.

Love,

Mike

-

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[lokis-army-77]

i loved your summoning series sm i think i’ll read the whole thing again after this😭ANYWAYS could you write an angsty/fluffy eddie fic where female reader has bipolar disorder and eddie wants to be official but reader keeps telling him they can’t and then one says confesses that she’s just scared he’ll get tired of being around her because of her disorder. with a happy ending pls? i’m incredibly embarrassed about my diagnosis sometimes but it is what it is💀

Insecurities

Eddie Munson x female reader

Word Count: 1757

Reader, although having been friends with and maybe a little more with Eddie, is insecure when it comes to Eddie wanting to become an official couple because of her Bipolar disorder.

Warning: Angst, fluff, obviously the mention of having Bipolar disorder.

I just want to say that I hope this is okay, I did a bit of research into the disorder but didn't want to get too in-depth and not know what I was talking about.

Masterlist

It was something I had always had to deal with, the constant ups and downs of my mood paired with the feeling that the guy I was seeing would up and leave after he realized that having to deal with me was way too much baggage. 

Eddie had been bugging me for the past few days about possibly becoming an official couple instead of hooking up on the weekends and flirting relentlessly at school. If I had been in a better headspace, I might have considered it but the fear and severe doubt in myself and how he saw me made me decline his offer every time. 

Today was no different as Eddie came bounding up to our usual lunch table, tray in hand and smile on his face. “

"Hey, babe”, he grinned down at me, I just smiled weakly back. I had been sitting there, pushing my food around with my fork and listening to the muffled drone of the cafeteria. 

“Have you given any more thought to us?” Eddie leaned in close, raising his eyebrows. 

“No,” I responded. 

“Why not?” he asked. 

“Because I already told you, we can’t be official Eddie.” 

“Yeah but you have never given a solid reason as to why so I’m just going to keep asking.” He smirked, taking a fork full of macaroni and shoveling it into his mouth. “So…” 

“Eddie, just stop it.” 

“Come on babe, why not?”

“Because.” 

“That's no excuse. You like me and I like you, we should be dating.”

I couldn’t help the frustration boiling up inside of me. I wanted to say yes, wanted to date him but I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to have to deal with the unpredictable manic highs and depressive lows and then ultimately leave me like the favorite toy a child forgot about when something new, shiny, and not broken came into the picture. 

The emotions just snapped out of me as I stood to my feet. “Because I don't want to date you, Eddie. God, why can’t you just leave me alone for once.” 

The table went quiet and Eddie stared at me with wide, hurt eyes. I couldn’t look at them long before I turned on my feet and stalked out of the lunchroom. Tears almost immediately began to fall and the ache in my heart became worse. If he was going to leave eventually, I just moved it up the timeline with how harshly I talked to him. 

I couldn’t deal with the feelings inside of me and definitely didn’t want to be seen by the whole school crying, so I ran to my car and drove home, bawling the whole way. 

It took everything in me to get out of my car and walk maybe ten feet to the front door and unlock it. It took, even more, to shuffle over to the couch in the living room and cuddle up under a blanket, shoes, and jacket still on. 

Sleep came fast like that, as I sniffled back tears and my head pounded from the crying. 

I woke up hours later, the late afternoon sun shining through the blinds and a banging coming from the front door. I lay there, a blanket thrown over my head, and tried to ignore the knocks along with the faint sound of my name being called. 

It was Eddie, he had come to the house and I couldn’t bring myself to stand and open the door. I couldn’t bring myself to yell out to tell him to go away, to leave me alone. So, I just lay there listening to Eddie call out my name and knock on the door.

Eventually, he stopped once he realized I wasn’t going to answer. I sighed and tried to make myself comfortable on the couch but I couldn't. The lumps of the cushions poked me in all the wrong places. It didn’t matter though because as I tried to situate myself, I heard a loud clatter and then footsteps from upstairs and within a few seconds Eddie was bounding down the stairs looking for me. 

I tried to hide under my blanket, hoping the childhood thought of ‘If I can't see him, he can't see me.’ would work and he would think I wasn’t home despite my car clearly being in the driveway. My hopes were crushed when the blanket was swiftly pulled away from my head and Eddie’s big brown eyes stared back at me. I was quiet as he knelt down to eye level. 

“Hey.” He smiled, a hand petting my hair, smoothing it away from my face. 

“Hi,” I mumbled back. 

“Are you feeling okay?” He asked, concern in his tone. “You kinda blew up and then left.”

“I’m sorry.” I hugged the blanket closer to me, I needed its security. 

“It’s okay babe, I shouldn’t have kept pressuring but I would really like to know the reason for your rejection.” His voice was soft, his eyes even softer as he looked over my red and puffy face.

“I don’t know. I’m just scared I guess.” 

“Scared? What’s there to be afraid of, Sweetheart?” Eddie scooted closer to me, thumb caressing my cheek as I huffed. 

It took me a moment to compose myself. Every time I tried to confess my thoughts and feelings, it was like the knot in my throat would get bigger and bigger the more I opened my mouth.

“Hold on, let me go get you some water.” Having seen me struggling, Eddie stood up and made his way into the kitchen. His short absence allowed me to calm down and sit up straight. When he came back, he sat next to me, handed me the glass of water, and then wrapped his arm around my shoulder. 

“Take your time.” He smiled and held me close to him. 

I drank about half the glass before I felt ready enough to speak. 

“You know how I have bipolar disorder?” I asked, Eddie, nodded, listening intently. 

“Well, I’m terrified that if we are officially together then you won't want to stay. It’s a lot of ups and downs and I can’t control it. You would be around me all the time and you would see it and I am scared shitless that once you do, once you see it and I’m already attached to you, you will realize that it’s tiring being with me and you’ll just leave me to pick up the pieces when you are gone.” Tears were welling up in my eyes, and hiccups violently shook my body. 

“Oh Sweetheart, I would never think that. I could never get tired of you. Hell, we’ve been seeing each other for a while now and I’m not the least bit tired.” 

“Yeah but you haven't been around around. You haven’t been there when I go to bed practically high on life and then wake up the next day with no motivation to get up or even turn over. It’s tiring for me so I know it will be tiring for you." My voice was wavering as I wrung my hands together, eyes gazing down, not wanting him to see the tears falling from my eyes.

"Hey, hey, hey. I don't want any of that." He chided sweetly. Index finger coming to push my chin up and have me look at him. "Come on sweetheart, look at me."

He rested his other hand on mine, stopping their nervous movement. I looked at him through blurry eyes and his soft smile almost made me break down even more. The hand on my chin lifted to wipe under my eyes, removing tears.

"I'm going to tell you something that I was going to wait and say but I think you need to hear it now." His hand cupped my cheek, thumb rubbing softly into my skin. "I love you, and that means I love everything about you." 

More tears began to fall as I listened to him.

"I will be here by your side always. You won't be able to get rid of me." He chuckled. "You can't help how you feel and I'm not going to pretend like I know how to help but I can be here with you, for you, if you will let me."

I thought about it for a moment. It was scary to imagine Eddie not in my life but also to think that he was so involved in my life that he would be able to see who I was behind the mask I threw on most days. 

Eddie squeezed my hands. Making me look at him. "You don't have to give me an answer today, but I hope you choose to let me in." 

He went to stand but I held onto him tightly. Not letting him walk off. I had come to a decision. 

Slowly, I nodded my head. "I- I think I'd like to try," I murmured. 

"You would?"

"Yeah, I would."

Eddie bend back down and took my face in both hands this time, leaning across the space between ups and pressing a gentle kiss to my lips. 

"Thank you." He grinned as he pulled away. 

I smiled weakly at him, still feeling quiet down even though the moment should have been a happy one. 

"What's wrong?" He asked, concerned. 

"Nothing, it's just I haven't really been in the best mood today and having been crying since lunch hasn't helped," I admitted. 

"Do you wanna lay back down? I can go if you want."

"No. Please don't go." I paused before tugging him closer. "Could you lie down with me?"

"Of course, I can." He smiled. He moved to sit beside me even before lying down and having me lie down with him. His arms wrapped around my waist. His fingers playing with my own as we cuddled up together under my blanket. 

"Thank you," I whispered.

"You don't have to thank me, Sweetheart.  I'll cuddle up with you anytime."

"No, Eddie. Thank you for being so understanding. Not everyone is so... I don't know." I sighed, not having words.

"I know, babe. I know. But you never have to thank me, I want to be here with you, to get to know you more than I already do. And if this is a part of you then that's what it is and I love you all the more."

"You're too nice, you know that?"

He shook his head and laughed. "Close your eyes and let's take a nap. I'll see you when you wake up."

[sheepispink]

A Pearl Necklace

HAPPY ENDING VER of A Pearl Series

Ch1 Ch2

Where leon doesnt mess up and also leons pov because THATS SO FUN!!!

Continued from end of chapter 1 👍 this is a BONUS chapter. It makes more sense if you read chapter 2 first then this one. This can also be read as a continuation from chapter 2 as in the time line is the same except that it is ends with a good way and its his pov and like a few lines r diff

“That’s good enough. I fucking hate being woken to push her away from me..” A surge of anger swims in his chest as he shuffles to the edge of his bed, fuelled by a fear he doesn’t dare to pay mind to. It’s true, he hadnt wanted to deal with your tears or the feeling of you so close to him; nowadays

it created a feeling that was like a gnawing at his gut. His body eventually settles as his head sinks into the pillows, fluffed by your hands. Even when he’s tucked underneath the covers and beside the love of his life, he just feels so, so.. vulnerable. He rolls onto his side, one hand under his head as he tries to settle a racing pump somewhere in his chest, his eyes squeezing close. His throat chokes and his muscles clench and although he hasn’t made a sound, the reminder of the past few weeks screams in his ears like bells. Every single day is starting to feel more and more like autopilot, blanking his head out in hopes he can do his job without being reminded of horrors of years ago. He was worked up tonight, having fought another B.O.W and hiding a nasty gash beneath his shirt. You’d definitely ask about it later; the mere possibility bringing a flame of anger and forcing him take a sharp intake of breath. He turns over, seeing your back face him now and his lips pull at a small frown, wondering if you woke up for a moment. You shouldn’t be crying yourself to sleep, ever. But he leaves you this time, still revolting the thought of your touch and your skin if he dared to come closer.

When he wakes the next morning, he cant take it anymore. How is there another round of tears upon her face? He finally pushes away the nausea that creeps in his throat, his hand resting on your shoulder. “Hey, love, what happened? Who did this to you?” Forcing such honeyed words feels like a crime to himself, almost making him frustrated with himself for being untruthful. He also hates the way he’s grateful when you just wipe them away and force a smile, mumbling something about watching a sad movie. Not even for a moment does he dare challenge that, satisfied with a lie as he gets up for another gruelling day.

Over the next month, he feels a swell of pride for how much he has healed. For one, he’s managing his thoughts and emotions much better, no longer hanging on a loose thread whenever someone just speaks. He feels better, having finally gotten to the hang of closing his mind off whenever the thoughts arose. He was sleeping better, you barely even touched him in his sleep anymore— it was perfect. The one thing that slightly irked him is when you would leave the house. Why are you leaving? He hates that he’s curious and he knows he should just let you go; it’s another fuel for the temper that seems to take him easily these days. You’ve also been asking a lot of questions about him recently: how he finds the clothes you ironed for him, the food you cooked and, worst of all, his day. He’s already doing enough to push it away and you’re just bringing it right back to him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He smells the familiar scent of blueberry pancakes as he steps into the kitchen that morning. You’ve been making them again recently but he wont dwell on the why and how. He doesn’t really like to think too much anymore. He picks up the newspaper as he sits at the small kitchen island, hair tousled and muscles aching from the long rest he received after a particularly tough mission. He had woken up on the other side of the bed today, kind of confused how he didn’t squash you in his sleep but as always, he doesn’t question anything. You slide a plate over to him, stacked high with those tasty pancakes and a dollop of whipped cream atop. He always had a bit of a sweet tooth and it’s been a long time since he’d been in the mood for sugar. Regardless, he’s not in the mood to smile or thank you, just eating his food as per normal.

“So..? Did I finally get it right?” He doesnt need to look up to see the small laugh and the way your lips curve into a teasing smile, one he had grown to despise. You always do this, every time you ask about his damn day.

He just- he cant take this anymore. You’re always prying, digging deep into his head and ripping bandages he left on because the wounds wont heal, they never will. He keeps them patched up for a reason, he doesn’t want to see it again. Nor does he want to talk about it.

“Can you stop interrogating me every day about whatever you do? It’s fine, okay? It’s never been any damn different; I don't see the big deal.” He scoffs, gritting his teeth as he holds back from practically shouting at you. His eyebrows furrow in exasperation, one hand rubbing his temple; he cant bear the headaches your words bring.

“I.. Leon- I was just trying to get some feedback.. They dont ever taste as good as the ones you would make.” Now you’re reduced to a stammering mess, trying to stir guilt within his gut, but he wont give in today.

“Well, can you stop? It’s really fucking annoying having to answer your stupid questions every day over menial things. Are you that insecure?” He doesn’t know why he said that but he knows it’s left his lips before he can stop it and one pang in the back of his head tells him that maybe he really is just being honest. You are insecure, thats why you’ve been doing so damn much and annoying him all the time. He takes another bite of the pancakes, his body screaming for relief even now with each rumble of his stomach.

“Leon- I understand work has been stressing you, but I'm just trying-“ There it is, that stupid expression again as you speak the one thing he never wanted you to say. “Work? That's what you think this is about? Maybe you are just idiotic or too narcissistic to realise maybe you are the problem.” He drops the fork in his hand, the metal hitting the porcelain plate as he stands. Of course you just had to mention work, you could never let him get a break could you? You just always had to ruin it for him.

“I am trying to actually be understanding, I'm sorry if I annoyed you but Leon- there is no need to put me down like that.” Again. Work. Don’t you know how to stop? He can feel that anger fuel again, rising and burning with each an every word. Until it snaps.

“You think you’re being understanding.” He laughs at your pitiful expression, thick with a mocking tone, as he says the words. “I can’t believe it. You actually think that. If you can get one thing through your mind, know that you don’t understand anything about me. You never have. Hah.. ever since that night where I almost fucking choked you.” He sneers at you, pushing the chair back as he stands, walking over to the sink with footsteps that echo with uncontrolled emotions.

“I’ve been trying to ask you—to help you. I want to be there for you..“

“Yeah, as if. You know, on that night, I really thought that you might just understand, unlike anyone else has. I was stupid enough to even think that. You just told me your same stupid reassurances; I should’ve kept my hands on your throat a little longer that day. I wish it scared you off and out of my life.” He snaps, leaving a thick tension in the air, like a wall between the pair of you. It’s cruel and unforgiving and an ache in his heart tears the muscle. Bloodthirst, it’s all he can remember from that virus thrumming in his veins. He can’t just quench that bloodthirst, not to you, so his mouth does the work, wearing you down bit by bit. The consuming memory of devouring the very life out of a human, it’s almost like it’s returning to him now.

“You’re not what I wanted.” Words are just spilling out his lips and he cant even control them; he cant even hear each calculated insult.

“I shouldn’t have expected things you could never reach.” He speaks, the plate dropping into the sink with a horrible clatter. All your words are blurring into one, meeting, intersecting all at that one statement ‘work has been stressing you’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He stands before the sink, having splashed his face with water at least seven times for the past forty minutes. Only now does he finally feel more like himself—or well the version of himself he prefers to exist as—and his head is free from that invasive fog. Slowly his chest falls, letting out a long breath as his finger pushes the tap off. He hasn’t dealt with that in a while and it only served to remind him that he never wanted to again. That feeling of an aching chest, ribs feeling like they’d crack from the pound of a terrified heart, desperate for relief. Although he always manages to calm every time, the edge of the cut always remains unsealed. Theres no real relief other than the fact it’s all over, no peace in his mind ever. It frustrates him all the more, he’s tried anything and everything and yet theres still that pinprick of a hole which has cracked his mind and heart.

After that, he barely stopped interacting with you altogether. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt right. Maybe it was because you really were pissing him off about everything or that he had started to fall out of love with you. Or maybe, though he never liked to let it linger, he was terrified of the memories only you could resurface. He watched your every frown, the light in your eyes slowly dim out as you start to shift and change. It’s been two months since he last considered you his wife, let alone someone he even cared for. He barely feels the guilt of leaving you like this anymore nor does he feel anything anymore. It just feels blank. Like everyday, every hour, every minute of these days. He can’t remember when he last washed his hair; he just knows he did it. He cant remember filling out the reports, but there they sit on the desk. He cant remember what life was like before the missions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six months. It’s been six months since he almost killed you, since his hands were on your throat and your terrified expression flashed through his eyes with your shaking pupils and beating chest.

Six months since he hurt you. He thought you had moved on, he thought he moved on. He thought he was doing okay.

Only having just stepped through the doorway, his eyes already found your trembling form on the couch. Your eyes were red and wet, salty streaks down your cheeks as you sob. The worst of all is that when you heard him enter, your eyes widened in a way that was far worse than just regular shock. Like you’d be scolded or mocked, shouted at or reprimanded; you looked like you were scared you would be hurt. He couldn’t shake that sight this time, every time he looked at you even when you scramble to reassure him that it was just hormonal. He knew it was bullshit; he had always known and he wanted to ignore it but he just couldn’t. Not anymore. Not when you were scared of him.

He sits at the breakfast table again the next morning, the air quiet from the lack of humming when you make your food, not even music playing in the kitchen or a pep in your step as you dance around the kitchen. You dont spend 5 minutes fluffing the pillows before bed, nor do you use those stupid face masks with the silly patterns. Hell, you dont even put makeup on anymore. The fridge is stocked and yet theres not even a trace of you to mark it as yours. Everything seems to have changed more than he expected. He cant fathom that he missed all these little differences and the fact there were so many. You’re not the same anymore.

There you go again, leaving randomly during the day after scrambling some excuse about needing spring onions. You barely ever use spring onions and he’s positive he saw some in the freezer yesterday. Whilst he usually would’ve ignored it, he finds himself edging closer and closer until he finds himself following you down the road. He saw the fresh tearstains this morning and you gave him no explanation again, this time he will find out.

You walk and walk and walk, and yet you never go to the grocery store like you said. So why do you even leave the house? It’s not like you were avoiding him, you still hung around him plenty and it’s not like you just needed fresh air, otherwise you would’ve just said so. He keeps his distance as he follows you, your depressed expression obvious, until eventually you pass by a friend. It doesn’t look planned but eventually the pair of you sit at a bench and as bad as it seems, he just cant turn around now. What if you tell her the reason you’re always upset? He needs to know.

“Hey, you know i always see you outside these days. I mean damn, do you really love nature that much?” Your friend teases, although a small pitiful look swirls in their eyes. Leon had been wondering the same thing as her.

“I uh.. well..” You give a sheepish smile as you lean into the bench. “I figured Leon would want some alone time.”

“Again? You come like everyday.”

You just shrug, sinking into the bench and quickly shifting the topic with a shake of your head.

A lot of things are starting to become clearer to him now. Every single action of yours held genuine love and yet he couldnt even bear to think about it. He wouldn’t dare to, he couldnt give in no matter how tempting it seemed. This is the life he chose; the life that would kill him slowly but it had it’s perks. He heads home after that, thinks about what happened for a bit before deciding ultimately to leave you alone again. Even so, you still plague his mind every night, every minute and second. It still makes his chest burn all the more, his irritation on an all high. He should not care, he cannot care. So why does it feel like he’s going to eventually break?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His body is covered in bruises when he returns home that night, a bandage around one of his hands and his eyes sunken. He had never felt worse in his life, feeling like he was tipping on the edge of fainting or just losing everything altogether. His heavy feet dragged him, feeling like weights were pulling him back as he reached the doorstep. After a few mishaps, he finally finds the keys and unlocks the door. His boots echo on the hardwood floor and though he’d usually collapse into bed, he needs some painkillers desperately tonight. The door for the kitchen is right there but he feels compelled to head to the living room and check if you’re awake. He hates that he’s actually glad he did.

This feels like the memories that resurface, only a new kind. You’re crying, again. You’re sobbing your eyes out and he’s had enough; he’d exhausted, bruised and battered and he’s not letting guilt consume him tonight. How dare you disturb the life he forced himself to follow? Anger swells at the sound and sight of you crying today, not because it hurt his hears but because it hurts his heart. The footsteps grow louder as he nears the couch and he hates the way you look up at him in a trembling fear, hands gripping the fabric of your pajama trousers. “L-leon, i didnt mean- it was a sad movie-“

“Stop giving me those fucking excuses.”

He’s pissed, his body feels broken, and he’s not letting you get by anymore. He’s letting that anger reign free. He nears the couch until he’s standing before you, no words spilling out your lips as you freeze up in fear. He could do anything to you but would he actually harm you? He knows he looks like he would, and he sees that realisation flash before your eyes. He leans down, closer and time seems to slow as his hand reaches out. His eyes focus on how you squeeze your eyes shut, the mere sight grasping his heart tight, brace for the impact and the sting of pain that should follow if he were anyone else.

But he’s not anyone else and he’s disgusted with himself that you would think so. His hand meets the small of your back as his arm wraps around you. He places your hands around his shoulders, knowing you seem far too frazzled to do so and takes you into his lap as he settles in your seat. In silence, he strains his bruised arm to grab the blanket you keep at the end of the couch. You always said it was for ‘cold nights’ but it always translated to cuddling sessions until you were caught by slumber and he carried you to bed. The warm fluff of the blanket is pulled over the pair of you, his hand keeping you firmly in place against his chest as he makes sure to settle you. He doesn’t dare say a word, the nausea in his throat creeping higher with each brush against your bare arms. But he’ll bear it for you, just this once. He knows your still unsure: he can see the way you sneak small uncertain glances as your hands twitch at his shoulders, begging to wrap around his form. So he doesn’t make you lift a finger, taking your hands in his and helps them to settle around his body before he returns to his embrace on you again. It’s utterly silent in the room yet the need to speak is desperate; the both of you know this isn’t normal and yet neither of you are complaining. With his chin resting gently on the top of your head, he rubs your back slowly until you relax into him and somehow grasp him even tighter. Even though his body feels like a block of ice, some part of him inside melts aswell; a small sign of that vulnerability he despised returns. Yet still he stays here until you begin to mumble small apologies which are only met by a small shake of his head and a motion to stay silent. You immediately fall quiet and he sees your eyes glimmer for the first time in months; he’s not sure if the crying caused it or true hope, but he prays you’re feeling just a smidge better. You end up resting your head against his chest comfortably, glistening tears staining your cheeks as you eventually fall asleep.

He takes you upstairs soon after, settling you on the armchair as he notices the dirty sheets from his lack of care. Despite his previous exhaustion, he couldn’t care less about his bruises as he takes out fresh sheets from the cupboard and changes them quickly. Once the bed smells brand new again, he scoops your drowsy body again, hushing you when you begin to wake, and tucks you beneath the covers. He cant lay beside you in such a state so he begins to head to the bathroom, considering a quick shower just to scrub off any grime. Much to his dismay, he’s quickly stopped, your weary eyes blinking as you sit up in bed and your fingers lightly tugs at his hand.

“I.. uh.. um..”

“Yes?” His voice comes out gruffer than he’d like, fingers twitching at the feeling of your skin against his.

“You- you’re going to come back, right? You’re not going to leave, will you?” The mere sound of your hopeless tone is enough to make him grit his teeth. The question sounds hopeful and yet it’s obvious you think you don’t trust him to say the truth.

“No, i’m not leaving, I’m just taking a a shower.” He states, voice just as cold as the one that would cut you through with insults. Still, his hands are gentle as they push your shoulders back into the bed.

“Go back to sleep..” He sighs, pulling the covers over you again. “I’ll be quick. I promise.” He watches as you reluctantly nod, eyes watching him with distrust before he turns around and disappears into the bathroom.

He stands infront of the mirror again, waiting for his mind to crack and fall as it usually does on these hallowed nights. He had done everything wrong tonight; he touched you, spoke to you, even promised you. He went near you when he shouldn’t have. But no onslaught of fears come today, or that sharp ache in his chest which reminds him on horrors in a foreign place. Instead, he just looks at his confused expression in the mirror, because for the first time in seven months he’s not acting mindlessly. He’s actually thinking, breathing and talking; he’s living. After everything he’s done to survive and live better, the one thing he needed was you. He understands now, after all this time, why his mind was so insistent on staying away from you, why he did everything. It was because he was scared.

Everytime he gets a nightmare, it ends with the fear on your face after that horrible night. The more he pushes it away, the more he tries to forget is the more he ended up harming you. He refused to touch you because of the fear he could do it again. Every single thing shut off in his brain because he was terrified of those traumatic experiences and he couldn’t ever admit it. He even refused to come near you because he was scared you’d try console him and he knew he would break within seconds. Vulnerability had never been his strong suit and the mere fear of it had ended up being the cancer that consumed every single part of him until he became a living shell. He never wanted to hurt you, or snap at you, or make you feel like nothing. He always figured it was better that way because it meant you wouldn’t have to deal with him and he wouldn’t have to open up. He was a coward and he had paid the price for it; the cost would’ve been your sanity if he hadn’t cracked tonight. He doesn’t want to think of what could’ve happened if he didnt, but he has to. Avoiding everything led to this and it will again. His hands plant against the shower wall as he starts to wash, and slowly begins to think about everything he did wrong even if it hurts more than those night terrors.

He watches your drowsy eyes widen upon seeing him when he re-enters the room, his heart aching at the tear stains that shimmer on your cheeks from earlier. “I told you to sleep..” He mumbles out, standing awkwardly in the doorway, wishing he could avert his gaze but that would be too cruel to you. “I..i… you..” Your lips fumble for words, eyes gazing up and down his unclothed body. Just in his boxers, he stands before you with his adams apple bobbing as he swallows sharply. “Yeah..”

From head to toe his once pristine skin was covered in scars and bruises of all kinds. He hadn’t let you seen him since his trip to Spain and the sight had been much more horrible back then. Scratches, bite marks, dark scars that show deep gashes and even fresh purple bruises from today’s mission. He knew he couldn’t bear to speak to you about anything just yet, but he mustered up his courage to at least show you. He was also aware this wouldnt make you magically forgive him and he wouldn’t accept it if you did. He fucked up, everything, but he’s not about to let it die when he can at least help you bounce back. He’d destroy himself if it meant seeing you as happy as you used to be.

“Leon.. i..”

“I know you’re going to feel bad, so don’t. I didn’t want you know, thats not your fault.”

He watches you nod meekly, quiet eyes still scanning all over his scarred form, before he begins to walk hesitantly over to the bed. Clenching his fists, he drives down the burn of pain that comes with each step and the guilt that blazes through his gut. Your hands reach out, tentatively before grabbing onto his own. “..Fine, i wont say that.. but can i say one thing at least?”He lets out a small sigh and nods in agreement, squeezing your hand as he sits in bed next to you. Your eyes flutter meekly as you swallow, his hands carefully lifting you to bring your head to rest on his lap with his back pressed against the headboard.

“I’m pissed at you. I- i really am and-“ Your eyes are persistent as they look right up at him, chest rising quickly as you spill everything out. “You made me feel like i was going insane and-“ He’s concerned at how your nails imprint into your palms before he gently moves your fingers to focus on something else—anything else, even himself. So he pulls you into him as you crumble, your fingers digging into his back as to express your desperation. 
“I wanted to help you so bad- i didn’t want us to fall apart and we were, fuck- we couldn’t even be near each other. You looked so miserable every damn day Leon- I couldn’t even do anything about it-“ You let out a choked sob against his neck, his hand pulling you firm against him as he squeezes you protectively.

“It was never your fault, you’ve never done anything wrong in your life. I was too much of a fucking coward to face life and i ruined us.” He confesses, the palms of his hands cupping your flushed cheeks. “Dont you dare forgive me, not now. I dont want you forgiving me until you’re absolutely sure.”

You quieten down almost instantly by his words, reaching your hands up to rest behind his neck until eventually you nod and he knows he’s made the right choice. His lips turn up just slightly and then you sit up a little better, trying to look firm even though you had been so vulnerable a moment earlier. That’s why he loves you, you’re just so perfect. Not once have you ever cared about what others think of you, nor do you let yourself be trampled over so easily. Even if you’re lips are wobbly as you narrow your eyes at him right now, coming off more adorable rather than angry. Despite everything he’s ever fought and the praises he receives for his work, you’re the strongest person in this very world and the reason he’s still here. You once told him that if he was a mountain, you’d be like those little flowers that grow at the top even when the conditions are beyond habitable. He’s never believed anything more until now.

“Fine.. if you really want that then i wont forgive you until you tell me everything. I refuse to forgive you until you tell me every little thing in your head.” His lips quirk into a slight smile, a first in too many blank days to count. His thumb rubs the curve of your cheek, so rosy and pink. “I promise, the day you forgive me will come.” He leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead before shuffling until he’s laying back in bed with you atop of him. “But for now, i want those dark circles under your eyes gone immediately.”

“You should sleep on the couch for all the days i did.” You feign annoyance, small huff leaving your lips and without a second thought he rises out of bed. It’s like it’s hitting him all over again, like a teenage boy trying to hide his crush, he misses the warmth of your body desperately. Even so, he knows he deserves far worse than sleeping on the couch, so he’ll bear it for now.

“I’ll make you breakfast everyday day going forward too. Blueberry pancakes, just the way you like it.”

Right now, it sounds like the bare minimum, but you had no idea how much he’d love you from now on. He’d tell you more but he’d prefer to see the glimmer in your eyes when you’re surprised. Though you tug at his hand before he can go.

“I think we can leave your punishment for next week. You owe me 6 months worth of love.”

That makes him finally grin and he’s under the covers again, arms enveloping you before you press your lips against his.

[aliyalala]

Gojo x reader Not sure where i was going with this but enjoy?

When he was away...ooh how you missed him. you would sleep in, just to avoid the feeling of loneliness you felt when you woke up. the bed felt cold in his absence and it always made you want to cry. but you would soldier on with your day and eagerly await his return. It was depressing coming home from work to a cold apartment. Today especially. You tiredly proceeded to have a quick shower and began to take out ingredients for dinner when you realized you weren't in the mood to cook or clean. you couldn't bring yourself to order take outs either so you settled for crackers and hummus. it was a rather depressing meal and you found yourself heading to bed earlier than usual.

you settled under the covers of your bed that you shared with gojo and then... you felt tears pool in your eyes when you caught a familiar scent in the blankets, and your throat got tight when you let out a quiet sob. you missed him so much you started to let out huge ugly cries into the quiet of you apartment until you were howling into your pillow. you were so loud you almost missed the sound of your phone ringing. your heart leaped when you realized it was gojo, wiping your red and flushed face as you pressed the answer button.

you tried to look happy when you saw his smiling face, but your tears betrayed you and he noticed straight away that something was wrong. "i miss you 'toru," you sniffed, tears silently sliding down your face. he looked on the verge of tears himself. "i know bub, I'm sorry i cant be there." you rubbed your eyes that were now puffy and red, sighing sadly as you slid further under the covers. "that's a girl, just try and go sleep ok? i'll try and be done here as soon as possible and then i'll come back to you, kay princess?" you nodded, knowing it would be at least two days before he was safely returned to your arms. "you better go to sleep now then," you whispered, sniffing again. "yeah, i probably should...you go to sleep too baby, im sorry im not there." you nodded again unable to form in words. "I love you princess, ok? I love you so so much." You nearly burst into tears again. "I love you too 'toru...please come back home to me soon..." You fell asleep with his promise to come back to you still ringing in your ears, your crying having tired you out.

It came a surprise to you when you woke up in the morning and you felt something pressed into your side. you felt strong arms around your waist and gentle, familiar breaths on your neck. "oh!" You spun around and threw yourself into his still sleeping form, startling him awake. "oh 'toru your back!" you breathed in his smell and felt your heart flutter when he pulled you ever closer to him. "i finished my job in the middle of the night and drove all the way back home because i missed you too" he whispered to you, stroking your messy bed hair. "Anything to stop my baby crying..."

Reblogs and likes are appreciated ! thx for reading!

[harlowcomehome]

imagine jade being sick and hazel just being her big sister and keeping her companty while reader and jack make her food and take care of things

“Sick and sleepy”

A/N: I don’t usually like to use photos of kids because I want to leave them open to your interpretation but it’s getting harder for me to find photos of Jack that I feel like “sort of” match with my writing. Let me know what you guys think.

It was the second night in a row that your youngest daughter woke both you and Jack up crying.

Jade was two years old now, so this was a rare occurrence. “Poor baby” you sighed and Jack was already getting up too. “You can sleep” you whispered and he shook his head as he followed you into Jades room.

Hazel was already sitting on Jades bed with her. Jades head was leaned against Hazels chest as she continued to sniffle, holding one of her ears. Hazel was rocking hst back and forth.The two of you surprised to see her out of her own bed.

“Hazey baby? You can go back to bed” Jack nodded. Hazel turned to you both “Jade needed me, she was crying.” You smiled, you looked over at Jack the both of you extremely proud of your eldest and the big heart she has. Jade noticed the two of you in the room now and climbed off her bed to walk over to you. She reached up to be held and you picked her up, Hazel bringing over a stuffed animal for her. “Thank you baby” you hummed and Hazel nodded “goodnight mama, I love you” you responded “goodnight, I love you very much.” Jack walked Hazel back to her room and you walked Jade into yours.

When you sat in your bed with your very emotional two year old, you realized that she was holding her ear. “I know baby bug, your ear still hurts?” She sniffled and nodded, holding her stuffed animal tight and scooting closer to you. You could feel her small body radiating heat almost instantly.

“We have an appointment later today” you said as you looked at your phone showing the time being two in the morning.

When Jack entered the room, you asked him to bring you the medicine from your bathroom cabinet. You wiped Jades nose and took the medicine from your husband who was standing there concerned “does she have a fever?” 

��Mhm” you sighed as you sang a song to get your toddler to take her medicine. She eventually took it between sobs.

Jack climbed into bed beside the two of you. “Do you think it’s another ear infection?” “I think so, her ear is really hot and she keeps holding it.”

“My ear is not hot” Jade argued, obviously just exhausted and sick. “Okay baby, mommy is sorry. It’s not hot” you looked at Jack with a pout and he scooted closer to Jade. “Do you wanna sleep with me baby bug?” Jack extended his arm and she tearfully scooted inside his arm.

Later in the morning getting Jade ready for her appointment was pure hell. Jade didn’t want to do anything, you thought giving her a bath would soothe her but instead she screamed and cried. Hazel was helpful, following you and Jack around to see what she could do.

You decided to take Jade to her appointment by yourself and sure enough she had an ear infection. The doctor prescribed a liquid antibiotic you knew was going to be a challenge but you couldn’t wait for your little baby to feel better. You called Jack as soon as the appointment was over “hey babe” you sighed, putting him on speakerphone as you buckled Jade in.  “Hey pretty lady, ear infection?” “Yupp” you sighed, “going to pick up her medicine and something to eat, any suggestions?”

“Chimken strips” Jade said and Jack heard her “yeah what Jade said!” You laughed “Hazel have any requests?” You heard her running to the phone “can we eat cake after dinner?”“Yeah I’ll get some cake too” you laughed telling them both you loved them before hanging up.

When you got home from the store it was time to give Jade her first dose of antibiotics, you knew it was going to be a struggle. “It’s bubblegum flavor” you told Jade who was watching you intensely as you put the dosage in the syringe. She made a face at you, scrunching her nose. She was always picky so you knew this would be a challenge.

Hazel saw your frustration and walked over to you. “Mommy said you can’t have cake for dessert if you don’t take your medicine” Hazel said with a hand on her hip. You looked over and Jack who was holding back a laugh. Jade looked over at you and you nodded, causing her to close her eyes and open her mouth. You gave her the medicine and gave Hazel a wink.

[athielive]

Mischa Bachinski X Reader

We need more ride the cyclone characters x reader content so here I am serving. This is about them getting snowed in together, I kinda wanna do a part of them hanging out whilst they’re snowed in so we will see.

———————

You waved goodbye to everyone and then headed out of choir practice.

There was something so comforting about that group of people which wouldn't make any sense to someone who didn’t know them. The constant bickering was mostly light-hearted and pretty good entertainment.

You walked over to the door and shoved it open seeing a few layers of snow covering the ground, Funny how much can fall in an hour.

“Y/N” You turned around to see Mischa jogging over to you. “Can I come to yours? My parents won’t be home for hours and they don’t trust me with key.”

You never understood why he still referred to them as parents, they were nothing but cruel to him. He was isolated from any substitute of a family after losing his mother and you weren't sure why anyone wouldn’t want him around. He was the most caring person in your life, anytime you needed to talk to someone or have a shoulder to cry on he would be there.

“Sure, Mom and Dad are out for the weekend but they won’t mind you coming over, just no smoking in the house.” You smiled as the pair of you continued walking back to your place.

“Take my jacket you are shivering.” He said starting to take it off.

“Don’t worry we are almost there and it's my fault for forgetting to bring one.”

He turned to you with a sceptical look, continuing to take his jacket off.

You tried to protest but before you had the chance to he began wrapping it over your shoulders. It was cosy and had the faint smell of his cologne that had faded throughout the day but still filled you with warmth.

“I feel like I look ridiculous right now,” you remarked turning to face him as he looked you up and down.

“No, it's cute. You look cute.” He smiled and kept on walking.

Thank god he wasn’t still looking, you could see the blush creeping over your face as the decision was made that he would never get this jacket back.

You arrived at your house and grabbed two cans of coke which were brought up to your room where the pair of you were sitting. He was explaining to you why Saw V was such a great movie.

“I’ve never watched it,” you laughed, “Is that bad?”

He stared at you in disbelief, “We must watch every saw movie right now.” He said heading over to your DVD case where he knew they were because he had tried to make the choir watch them the last time he was over.

He put the first one in and then came over to your bed sitting next to you.

One small thing you forgot to tell him, you hated jumpscares. Every time something popped up on that screen you moved even closer to him until you were practically on top of him.

“I hate this movie.” You sighed burying your head in between his neck and shoulder.

He laughed quietly, pulling you into a hug and rubbing your back in an attempt you make you feel better as the movie continued.

It was so comforting. You felt so much calmer in his presence, the fact he was known to be the angriest boy in town made absolutely no sense. The small town is so quick to judge everyone and it’s unfair.

Before you realised you fell asleep. He pulled a blanket over you both and shortly after he fell asleep too.

————————

You woke up to your phone ringing, Ocean’s contact appearing on the phone. You slipped out of Mischa’s arms and walked across to the other side of the room.

“Hello?” You whispered down the phone trying not to wake Mischa up.

“Choir’s cancelled today and tomorrow, everyone's snowed in!” she rambled, ending the call instantly after.

‘Fuck are my parents stuck too?’

You unlocked your phone to see countless texts from your Mom saying she was unsure when they would be back but to not worry because there was plenty of food in the house.

Sending her a quick text back, you put your phone down and lay down beside Mischa.

He opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling while he fully woke up.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” He mumbled.

“I only just got up.” You exclaimed. “Plus you looked comfortable and I didn't want to disturb you.”

He rolled his eyes as a smile crept onto his face.

“Do I need to go now before your parents get back?” He asked.

“Good luck with that.”

He leant his head to the side, confusion evident on his face.

“Look outside genius.” You added.

He walked over to the window turning back to you with wide eyes.

“Guess you’re stuck with me for a few days.” He laughed tackling you into a hug.

[michelleleewise]

I noticed your asks are open! I’m battling a nasty headache today and could use some comfort from our dearest prince. I’m super dizzy and almost fell over when I stood up earlier 🤦🏻‍♀️ I get anxious with these too because they feel like they’ll never let up.

Sorry this took so long.....work was a nightmare but........here we go!! I really hope your feeling better!! I myself get occasional migraines, so I understand! Feel better soon!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Make it Stop...

Pairing: Loki x reader

Warnings: mentions of headache, dizziness, nausea, crying, loki takes care of you, fluff, comfort

Summary: you wake up with one of your bad headaches. But Loki will do anything to help you feel better.

You woke up to a searing pain behind your eyes. You slowly opened them, instantly regretting it as the sun streamed in the window. You tried to take a deep breath, but as you exhaled you felt the throbbing in your head. You felt Loki stirring next to you as you rubbed your temples. "What's the matter love?" You heard him ask as you groaned "not so loud please." You whispered.

You cracked your eyes open as he sat up looking at you "Are you ok?" He whispered touching your forehead. "It's one of my headaches, I just need to find my pain killers." You whispered starting to get up, feeling the blood rush to your head you stumbled back against the bed as Loki wrapped his arms around you. "Sit down love, I'll get them." He whispered lowering you back to the bed.

He came back a few minutes later with your medicine and a glass of water, helping you to sit up. You sat back againt the headboard as you took them. You closed your eyes, trying to steady your breathing when a wave of nausea hit you, making you lean over. "Are you going to be sick love?" Loki whispered, pushing your hair back. "No, I don't think so." You whispered back.

Every breath you took made the throbbing in your head worse. You felt a tear run down your cheek as Loki wiped it away "make it stop, please. It hurts so bad." You sobbed, making your head hurt worse. "Tell me what to do love, how can I help you?" He whispered cupping your cheek. "I don't know, I just." You whispered closing your eyes. "Let me try something love." He whispered as you slowly nodded.

You felt his hand on your forehead, as his hand slowly got colder. You sighed as it began to slowly soothe your head. "Any better?" He whispered "a little." You sighed, feeling his other hand go to the back of your head, rubbing circles at your nape. You felt the throbbing ease as he continued massaging your head. "That feels so good." You sighed, cracking your eyes open, looking into Loki's red ones. You reached up cupping his cheek as he smiled. "Is it feeling better?" He asked leaning into your touch. You nodded "but, could you maybe do it a bit longer?" You whispered. "Anything for you love." He smiled.

You closed your eyes again, leaning your head forward into Loki's hand. You opened your eyes again and you were laying down, Loki's hand rubbing your scalp. "Hello Love, you fell asleep so I laid you down, how are you feeling?" He asked brushing your hair back. "So much better Loki, thank you so much." You said wrapping your arms around him. "It was my pleasure darling. Are you up for a warm bath?" He asked kissing your head. "That sounds wonderful, as long as you join me." You whispered into his neck.

You heard him laugh as he set his book on the nightstand, turning to face you as he cupped your cheek "anything for you my love." He whispered as he gently pressed his lips to yours, slowly caressing the nape of your neck as he pulled back, resting his forehead on yours. "I absolutely love you Loki." You sighed closing your eyes. "Not as much as I love you." He whispered back.

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

@vbecker10 @midnights-ramblings

[lulubelle814]

Just Dizziness - Chapter 9

I had an odd dream the following night. In my dream, Tom was there but asleep. He was curled up around me, holding me close.

This fantasy warmed my heart until I noticed the exhaustion on his sleeping face. He had large, dark circles under his eyes. It looked as if he had been fighting a one man war.  I so badly wanted to comfort him, but my limbs felt as if they were filled with lead. That's when I noticed I was in a hospital room. From what I was able to see, it was a nice room, and it became clear quickly that the bed was larger than the standard hospital bed.

It was frustrating not being able to move or at anything.  Even with that, I felt comfortable being with him. His scent, his warmth. It was more than I could ever hope for.  But this was a dream, wasn't it? No one was here or awake to pinch me.  Sadness overtook me, and I felt tears starting to fall from the corner of my eye. I wasn't dreaming. This was a nightmare.

That was when I felt a hand touch my cheek, the thumb wiping away the tears.

"You're awake!"

I was so overwhelmed by everything that I found myself succumbing to some version of sleep.  As I unwillingly drifted away, I heard him begin to cry. "Please, please don't go!  Stay with me?"  He was distraught, his voice strained and pulled at my heartstrings.  I shed another tear as I heard his voice get further and further away.

When I woke up, I was in my own bed, but my face was wet. I realized I had been crying.  It still seemed like I could feel him holding me, hear him crying and calling to me, begging me to open my eyes once more.

As much as I wanted to return to him, it wasn't real. It wasn't. It couldn't be, but the nagging feeling persisted  that something wasn't right.  I didn't know what, where, or who, but something was wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it.  Maybe I really was just losing my mind.

Looking at the clock, it was almost 11 am.  The apartment was quiet meaning Sarah was out.  Venturing into the kitchen, I saw a note she left.

Had to head into the office for some more meetings. Didn't want to wake you. Will pick up food on the way home. Eat something in the meantime please? If you do, I'll pick up your favorite dessert tomorrow.

Appreciating her concern, I found there was still some chicken salad in the fridge.  I pulled out a bit and ate some.  That's when I spotted a box of cheez-its on the counter. I poured some into a bowl and snacked on them slowly over the next few hours, curled up in the large overstuffed chair in the living room while reading a book.

By the time she got home, my bowl was empty. She could tell I had eaten due to the amount of missing chicken salad (though what was missing wasn't much but it was still better than nothing) and the crumbs in the bowl.

What really surprised her was that I was in the living room, but she wasn't going to push it.  She wanted me to come out of my shell and heal at my own pace, and this was progress.  What she didn't know was that the real reason for the change of scenery was because of that dream, and I needed some kind of escape away from it. I couldn't, however, bring myself to leave the apartment today. So the living room would have to do.

She made dinner which was really heating up some delicious soup I loved.  When it was ready, she gave me about half a bowl which I finished. She gestured to the soup, silently asking if I wanted more, but I shook my head.  Overall, this was the most food I had eaten in some time, and it made her extremely happy.

That night, I was a little afraid to go to sleep, not wanting to go back to that dream. It was too much to dream of my celebrity crush but not be able to move or do anything.

I watched a couple of movies, but sleep could only be avoided for so long.  Reluctantly, I went to bed when sleep could no longer be avoided.

Chapter 10

[puppyyboyy]

huge vent under the thingy

.

im really selfish i think, like i dont really do much for people and i dont like to talk to people anymore as much as i used to but i think im just scared of people now. my parents pulled me out of school so i wouldnt be bullied but i think it just made my social anxiety worse

im also really sensitive and cry easily and i dont like that, yesterday i almost started crying because i couldnt find a room number in school (i was there for exams) that was super embarrassing

today is my brothers birthday and he has special needs and i feel bad because he has no friends to celebrate his birthday and my sister left the house to go hangout with her boyfriend so its only my mom, dad and me there for him on his birthday and i feel so bad and im like miserable right now and i woke up really upset because i was almost late for my exam and i definitely failed it because i guessed on almost question and i talked about college today and my plans with my guidance counselor at school and she talked about what im gonna do after highschool and i dont know what i wanna do because i thought i was gonna kms at 11 years old and not have anything else ahead of me and im so lost now and i dont even know what to do anymore

and im crying because i cant stop thinking about all the stuff thats gone wrong in my life and if i did things differently i couldve been happier and a better person

and i feel bad cuz im ignoring literally everyone rn whos texting me and im just sitting on my bedroom floor crying and writing this lmao im literally venting on tumblr💀 how did i get this bad omg. i could use my notes app to vent but i also want someone to read this, like anyone idc who im not even asking for help i just wanna be seen in a way i think

and my head is always full of ideas and thoughts and its hard to do anything because its always racing and i dont like it at all and i cant ever find the right words to get all these thoughts out or draw them out because i make art but irs not good it sucks and i hate my art style and i hate how i cant draw poses right or render correctly it pisses me off

my sister is really good at art, she goes to college for it and is way better then me and my parents are always praising her about her art and i feel like ill never be as good as her with anything, shes an honors student and graduated almost top of her class and president of the art club at her highschool (currently my highschool) and i got pulled into a bunch of shit when i made friends at highschool and they are all older then me and have so much drama and i feel like no matter who im friends with i cant be friends with the other people i wanna be friends with because they have drama together and if im one persons friend then i cant be the other persons friend because then im a bad person and i just hate it so much i hate beiing around people and i hate having to pick sides and i wish i could kms and i wouldnt have to deal with anything anymore

and then with my sister- anything i do or make art of my parents are like "cool!" and move on with their rlife and when my sister does art they post it on their facebook and show other family members and praise her so fucking much. im not saying i want all that but it feels like they dont even care

and i also noticed i get less things at Christmas and on my birthday now ever since i came out as trans to my extended family like my grandparents and uncle and aunt, my sister and brother get a bunch of shit and ill get some books and some other shit i dont even want or asked for but my sister gets money and a bunch of shit she asked for (expensive things) and my brother gets new electronics every fucking year. he got the newest iphone and a ipad and a fucking 3d printer last christmas???? and i got books and a 20$ Michaels gift card? its so unfair i with i was cis and my family would like me more itd not even about the gifts its just in general they got so distant and weird with me i feel so odd when i go to family events

sexual talk here- and i feel really gross a lot of the time cuz im sexual a lot and i wish i wasnt because i always feel gross and idk it makes me feel weird i guess its just hormones and a trauma response from when i was younger but i just feel weird especially when im alone and im being sexual i feel gross after and i dont know why im like this

theres so much on my mind and im just like AGHHHH!!!!!! i wanna cut myself and bleed out everywhere istg (i wont actually cuz im very afraid of physical pain)

[publicaciones-sin-sentido]

Hot Day Part 2 Ghost x Female Reader

Part 1

Warnings: Unprotected Sex.

You knew it wasn't good to eavesdrop, but when it came to Lieutenant Ghost you couldn't turn a deaf ear, you were in the locker room, and an annoying part of being the only female in group 141 was that they didn't exactly have a locker room and bathroom. all to yourself so it was your turn to share, however the guys had been kind enough to bring some disused lockers and tuck them in a corner so you had a little more privacy when you got out of the showers so now you were quiet listening as Soap and Gaz gossip.

-I'm telling you, Ghost is bringing something, he doesn't act as usual- Soap whispered.

-You think he's seeing someone- Gaz widened his eyes.

-No, I think he's looking at someone and doesn't know how to express it- Soap took her hand combing his hair.

-You think he doesn't know how to flirt- Gaz almost choked.

-It's Ghost, he doesn't know much about social relationships- Soap crossed his arms.

-He's been weird since what happened in the Gym with Silver- Gaz snapped his fingers.

-It's a fact that LT likes it, I think Silver's comments turned him on- Gaz and Soap laughed among themselves.

You almost fell on your ass when you heard Soap's last statement but you managed to keep your balance, it was time to get out of here as discreetly as possible, taking your boots you left barefoot, if you were silent enough they would keep talking and they wouldn't see you slip away.

But damn your luck you stepped in a puddle and fell inelegantly.

The murmurs stopped at that instant.

Gaz and Soap appeared at that instant in your field of vision,

-Nice fall Silver- Soap crossed his arms looking at you with narrowed eyes.

-I didn't want to listen, I was here before you- your words came out sharp.

-What's between you?- Gaz looked at you curious.

-It's okay, stop seeing things where there aren't any- you got up and took your scattered things, leaving without paying attention to the two of them.

-Gaz, it's time to interfere and carry out a plan for those two- Soap smiled cynically.

-Are you some kind of cupid?- Gaz put his hands to his head.

-No, I just want the lieutenant to stop being grumpy and if he has someone to scratch his back he will be softer with us-

Gaz smiled like the Cheshire cat - I like how that sounds.

+ + + +

You had three days off from today, but as a habit you woke up around 6:30

You decided to stay in bed until 7:30 marked a shower and have breakfast, there were not many people in the cafeteria today so it would be a quiet day. Much later when you were in the solitude of your room resting and reading one of your romantic novels on the sly, "Yeah.. as if a man could make me feel like this, it would be too good to be true", until now you had had few dates , somehow no man could adapt to what you wanted, you sighed covering your face -The lieutenant left the stick high- on one of your walls the photograph of the team hung, you approached to look at it observing Ghost,

-The Lieutenant is the damn stick-

Your phone rang interrupting your ramblings, a notification from Soap.

"I need you to help me, I'm in warehouse No. 5"

"What are you doing there? I thought you wouldn't take care of it for the moment, Sp"

"Go! If Price finds out about the mess I made, he'll kick my ass for a month."

You sighed exhausted, got up and went to the Warehouse, which was a 15-minute walk, it was quite far from the base, but it wasn't who designed it to judge.

When you entered you opened the heavy gate, yes Soap wanted discretion, you thought it was better to close it -Soap? Are you?- you walked around looking at some scattered boxes- Sp?- you took another cautious step. the hair on the back of your neck stood up, bending around a shelf a large, skeletal hand engulfed your wrist, you let out a sharp cry, because of all things you didn't expect that, the hand dragged you effortlessly, you were spun around and crashed against something hard, you fought trying to get out of its grip but it was useless.

-What are you doing here?- Ghost's voice calmed you instantly, so you stopped fighting.

-Lieutenant!! What a scare! He also came to help Soap? - He released you and you could look at him straight on, although you didn't like losing the heat you felt against your back.

-No, Gaz said that he had to tell me something important away from prying ears- you frowned.

Are you sure I'll quote you here? -I ask- of course yes- you took out your phone and when you entered the chat it almost gave you a stoppage,

“This message has been removed”,

-It can't be, I was saying it right here- you looked at the lieutenant who, although he always had his face covered, now you will be able to notice his expressions more, and at this moment there was suspicion in his eyes -Don't look at me like that, Lieutenant! I didn't invent anything from this!-

-Watch your tone, Sergeant- his voice was a low but demanding growl "Oh Lord!" His voice sends a discharge of electrical current from your spine to the rest of your members.

-I'm sorry, I think I'd better go- you didn't wait for an answer, you just left the place, when you got to the door you noticed the sound of his footsteps behind you, you tried to open the gate, but it didn't move, you tried again and … it did not move. -But what…- you pushed again with all your might.

-I'll try- Ghost passed in front of you and although he was much stronger, he couldn't against the big door.

"It was open a moment ago, I went in without problems," you offered.

-It was also open when I came here- she took the phone from him, raised it and turned her face towards you- Take yours out- without hesitation you gave it to him because you were starting to feel chills.

He took it, the lilac sheath with glitter stones contrasting with his gloved hand, you saw him repeat the movements from a moment ago.

-There is no signal… this is for network inhibitors- his face once again became serious -Damn idiots- he turned around and sat on a wooden box.

-What's wrong?- You got closer but still you stayed a good 5 steps away from him.

-Gaz and Soap have left us locked up here… I don't know why, do you know anything about this Sergeant?- The conversation between Soap and Gaz is repeated in your head… "God those idiots"

-I'm sure it's a practical joke, Lieutenant,- you laughed nervously and avoided looking at him, the dust on the floor seemed incredibly interesting at that moment.

When you looked up, Ghost is right in front of you, one step away, -What do you know?-

-Nah… nothing, they were talking in the dressing room… but I have nothing to do with this- you took a step back, hitting a shelf, you saw the lieutenant's arms rise and cage you in place, -What were they talking about?- you stayed quiet, you lowered your gaze. Something rough touched the side of your cheek, a thick finger leaving his caress. You gasped -What were they saying?-

-They were gossiping about you… say saying that… apparently you were interested in someone but you didn't know how to approach the person you like…- you swallowed, looked up his eyes were piercing your soul -Lieutenant I have nothing- his finger stopped in your mouth silencing your voice, your heart throne in your ears.

-Who was that person… Silver look at me- his voice dropped an octave, turning dark and devoid of good intentions, you looked overwhelmed.

-This is the first time he says my code name Lieutenant- your legs

-It's the first time you say my code name Lieutenant- your legs trembled.

Ghost turned around and walked a few steps away from you- Who was that person Silver?- He repeated the question.

-They said that… it was me…- Ghost turned around with a still hand grabbing your neck. -And what do you think?- You looked at his highly concentrated skull mask.

-You made such a big mistake, Lieutenant, I know you don't like me very much.- Ghost held up a hand.

-Why do you think that?- You looked at him with a blank expression -He almost never wants to train with me and in the missions it's like… he always leaves me behind, I understand that at first he didn't trust me… but I thought that after months of being In this team, maybe I could see that I can take care of what I need in the missions… you know… I thought about leaving, Captain Price will understand, and I won't be a bother in the missions anymore- you smiled looking towards the ground. You looked up looking for a possible way out, a window at least, the tension was getting ugly and you didn't want to continue here, acknowledging out loud what you suspected made you realize that you wanted to cry.

A hard hand spun you around and you were once again backed against a shelf. -What the hell are you doing, soldier? Are you deserting?-Ghost's eyes were dark... but he never saw them like that... you couldn't recognize the emotion they conveyed.-I see you like to talk nonsense, let's keep that mouth busy with something else- confused, you saw him lift his mask, you were going to say something but as soon as you opened your mouth, the Lieutenant kissed you... hard, impatient, destroying your sanity, You froze for a few seconds, but the heat of desire quickly took over your body. Ghost's hands rested on your hips, with a skilful movement lifting you up so you didn't hesitate to wrap your legs around his waist. But you were aware then of what was happening. You walked away from his mouth even though it took every fiber of your being to do such a thing.-Lieutenant, are you okay?-

His deep eyes, dark wells, looked at you with hunger, desire, lust, now you can name that look of his, and then you realized that it was like that, how he looked at you sometimes, the first time he You entered the team, when you went on a mission together and your teams got wet sticking your shirt to your body, the day you wore civilian clothes and thinking of wearing one of those short dresses at the waist.

You always thought he looked at you like you were a mess but now… it came out that you weren't.-Follow the orders, I'll take care of the consequences- he kissed you again, since you were in civilian clothes, it was no problem that he took off your shirt, leaving you in your black lace bra, his mouth traveled down your neck and stopped on your clavicle, barely biting.He sat on an old box with you astride, and you noticed the hard bulge in his pants, "This is really happening" his mouth lowered to your chest biting the delicate bud through the black lace.You gasped and clung to his shoulders. His big, hot hand left a trace on your waist, looking for the button of your pants, he unbuttoned them with a quick and agile movement, when he got up and left you on the box, you almost jumped when you saw him kneeling in front of you.-Lieutenant?-His hands yanked off your shoes and he went for your pants. -Simon,- he growled.

-Say it.- -Yes... Simon, do you want this?--Yes, and you?-His eyes never left your face."Sounds like a fucking dream," you gasped.With one quick movement he stripped off your clothes, placed a series of kisses on your abdomen, moving down, down, closer and closer to your core, pushed aside your lace underwear and placed a loud kiss above your lips, at the top of your lips. not having hair there gave you chills at the feel of his scratchy beard.-I've waited so damn long- I raised your legs and put them on his shoulders, his head sank and you felt the scorching heat of his tongue leaving long caresses in your knot of nerves, you screamed for the sensations, the white dots danced in your eyes , "If that's how I feel with his tongue... what would happen if he?"

Your mind travels to a different scenario anticipating what might happen. The heat spread like lava through your veins, the sensations traveling through your body until you felt there was nothing left of you to hold on to, you felt yourself floating, the only thing you could hold on to was his shoulders, you try to push your center away from his mouth just because the sensations were overflowing -I haven't finished Silver- your name in your mouth sounded dirty, with a dark promise of more.-Please… I can't… anymore- your breathless voice earned you a harsh laugh. -You can do as much as I want Silver- something hard and rough sank into the depths of your folds, you screamed when you noticed his bare fingers leaving caresses, making their way through your narrow channel.

One, two, three… it was too much without warning, without being able to say a warning, you came hard and strong, Simon never moved his face. He dropped your legs and towered over your figure.He sees him take his hands to his belt and remove it followed by his pants, black boxers rising up like a tent. You could see the outline of his member hard and long, you could even almost see the veins etched through the cotton fabric.-You like what you see Silver- you were too hot to feel embarrassed right now.-Yes, please, I want you inside Simon- Like a taut wire, Simon's control broke, he settled you under him and the head of his cock danced against your entrance, getting the moisture he needed, small breathless cries were heard.

They took over you, until you felt the constant pressure, centimeter by centimeter it entered you leaving a trail of fire in its wake.When it was fully inside you moved restlessly needing it to move. -So impatient,- he sneered.When he recoils, taking the heat from inside you, you groaned, almost unable to recognize the sounds you were making, but you saw something in the glint in Simon's eyes tighten and break completely.

It sets a hard pace, that took your breath away, you can only gasp and cry at how it felt. Her hands went to your thighs leaving marks, you didn't notice how much time passed, but you couldn't continue anymore, feeling the delicious pressure in your core again, this time if you could give a warning. Simon just quickened his pace, going crazy and wild, the sounds they were making were obscene and he was thankful he was so far from the base, you couldn't go back there if someone heard them at that moment. With his fingers Simon caressed your clitoris and that was your defeat, your weakness, you came, screaming like crazy with pleasure, it didn't take long for Simon to cum, releasing his hot semen on your walls, he stayed still for a long time trying to catch your breath.

You felt a soft caress against your soaked lips and you complained about the sensitivity. -Shhh I'm just cleaning, I'll leave you at the base to rest- I help you get dressed.

They walked in silence, I couldn't tell if he was comfortable or uncomfortable… He was quiet, but he was Ghost so it was always like that…

-I'll wait for you at 5:00 p.m. in the parking lot, pack something for 2 days-

-What? -You were confused by his words-

-I have a place nearby, I thought we could spend the rest of our break there… but if you don't want-

You realized then that he was inviting to share the days, you took his hand -Yes I do!, at 5:00 p.m. in the parking lot, copied lieutenant- the last thing came out as a laugh, you turned on your heels, but the quick movement made me remember that you were sensitive -Ughh fuck!-

-Take things easy- You turned to see Ghost wink at you. Your cheeks got hot and you went to your room to prepare a bag as he told you, it would be a very good rest days.

"Soap Blessed Idiot I'm In Debt"

[casketscratch]

Trying so hard to remember today already.

- Woke up full-blown panic mode, shaking and breaking down crying, my entire left arm wouldn't stop shaking. Can't remember what the dreams were.

- Therapy was good. Went over how I broke down crying the moment we hung up last week, and generally the sense was that someone's trying to communicate or integrate a bit more. Something about our system isn't made for this to happen. It turns into levels, and layers of memories that will a common emotional thread but otherwise feel just scattershot or random. We've figured out that this alter trying is scared to, because they are "held in place" by...

- This terrifies me, but by an alter who was installed by our traffickers/my grandfather to keep the rest in line. I think this means the whole... I hesitate to say ramcoa. But it confirms the, ah, narrative? Hunch? That they did deliberately try to program alters. And there are "higher ups" in charge we can't speak to but who seem to exert a lot of psychic/mental pressure if others act out of line. Felt like I had a javelin in my skull by the end of session.

- Used to have debilitating migraines that felt exactly like that when I left for undergrad. Almost failed out because I "wasn't supposed to be there" - my dad had tried everything in his power to keep me from moving so far away.

- (I really hope he suffered for failing to do so.)

- We also talked about the "pass out and collapse" thing we keep doing. That one alter will try to merge traffic (if you will) and at the same time she holds so much pain and fear and trauma that she can only cope with feeling that much by basically freezing. Freezing so hard it's a shutdown. I'd honestly call it a kind of flight to an inner world more than that (not that it can't be elements of both).

I... Don't... Like this. I am struggling with the scope of abuse. I am struggling with being right when I wish I had been wrong. I am struggling with trying to even conceive of how to manage this. It's been weeks of not trusting my own reactions because I couldn't tell where they came from, and now, uh, well. Some very powerful gatekeeper (not unlike Orion!) who's aligned with our traffickers (very very very unlike Orion) and would rather kill us than let us succeed in anything?

Sort of like how this group preferred my aunt to remain totally unsupported and to die homeless a few years ago. That's what I was supposed to get. Except they could never poison me against my mom's side of the family enough, so... I didn't become their next "sacrificial lamb" or whatever. That's what it feels like those "higher ups" push for. Sabotage, doubt, sow a lot of internal chaos, keep superficial but upsetting things too of mind.

I was so exhausted I've just spent the last like 8 hours in bed watching Dropout to feel better.

I don't really know where to go from here.

Started guitar yesterday though. Immediately remembered SO much and a dumpster fire of memory snatches with it, and I think this might be both pretty fun and a good way to connect with those parts from back then.

[thefaiao]

   Went to a funeral today. It was my mom’s aunt. I didn’t really know her before she died, which was yesterday. Actually, I did meet her once before. At another funeral, my grandmother’s, four months ago.   My grandma passed away at 96, after struggling a lot with health condition and the overall fragility of old age. You trip the wrong way, and you are out of commission for a year, which might as well be half if not all of your remaining time in this world. It’s depressing, and she didn’t try to hide that at times she was tired of living, but held on out of a type of duty. It’s not easy to understand what goes on in the mind of someone that old. We struggle to understand how brains of people our age can be wired differently, as we are our only true control group. And even then, wen can trick ourselves, foggy memories, regrets, and so on, will warp our vision.    At the end of the day I still feel depressed could better summarize it. She looked peaceful in death, like she was younger. She was buried in a vertical cemetery, many rows and columns in each floor, extending up thirteen or so floors. The tombs had their names written on them in ready-made metal letters, which had a gold tint to them.    I was sad to see her go, as much as I expected it, but I truly get overwhelmed when I go into a cemetery. All the death we hide from our daily lives is concentrated here, the definitive end of so many lives. People who die at twenty five, or thirty years of age. It’s easy to think about how these people could easily have been my friends, or me, but they didn’t get the chance. They died to something unpredictable, or maybe everyone could see it coming but no-one could do anything about it. Or maybe they could, but just didn’t have the energy to, or the forethought. The end is the same anyway. They died, so now they aren’t present anymore, all they can do is be dead.    Today I went with a different mood, since I didn’t know my great-aunt properly. I noticed how the room was really small, and despite there being a wooden board covering the door, a camera hung onto that same board. I noticed that even though there was food and drink, the water jug was made of plastic, and the jar with cheap store brand cookies, had a crack on it, and was hard to open. Everyone was sad, as her death was sudden. A heart attack as she woke up, even though she was previously healthy.    I noticed that whenever this is the case, of sudden death, the person is usually a very hard-line principled person, for better or worse. Usually they sustain the family in some way, or give them guidance with a firm hand. Maybe at random they relax, and all the emotion they hold back come at once, and take them with them. Most of the time, it’s someone who is deeply loved and appreciate for that, especially if they are old. Many people showed up to her funeral to say goodbye.    Her husband was crying, as they had been together almost seventy years. And they loved each other. It is easy to imagine myself in his place, but hard to imagine how much sorrow he must feel. While I was there I noticed more things. I noticed that the casket was veneered particle-board, with cut-and-paste patterns on the rims. When there was a bend in the geometry of the casket, the pattern was broken. The metal details were golden plastic, and all the parts of the casket were mass-produced. The flowers were real, as were the people who brought them. I also noticed we had to pay for parking in the place of ceremony, and it was just as expensive as places in the city. I noticed they asked the same price restaurants ask to buy drinks, or a coffee, if we wanted those.    While everyone were coming to terms with what had happened, I feel I could only stare. I didn’t want to touch her because I don’t think I earned that, as I was only accompanying my mom. Her coffin looked plastic, and in turn she looked like a toy. Whenever we die, we become an object. And when we enter a casket, we become an altar. We are pressured to cut corners, because we have no money, because we have no time, and we are so small, and we only get smaller. So in death, we look like toys that couldn’t keep going, we exchanged all the parts of the ceremony that we could, so it could even happen. A door opened in the back of the room, and the employees quickly cut everything short, and took her to the car.    When we got to her cemetery, I was again overcome with the emotion of all the lives of strangers that were registered there. Just a date, sometimes a face, and a phrase form loved ones. Sometimes flowers, but there were also flowers that were dry, they looked so small. In this horizontal cemetery, the rows and columns were also present, but with no pre-made lettering. The names were written on cement by hand, usually by a worker, before a cover was later built into the graves. So many names, from 2018-2022, had no covers. Sometimes a message accompanied the names, written by a relative. Some people could afford more unique graves, which were usually for the whole family.    I can’t help but think if this is all we can be now. We can live beautiful lives, and help so many people, only to die and be buried in mass-produced coffins, have respects paid to us in an affordable place, because money dictates our lives. That the death of someone we love is bundled with a mountain of expenses. It’s easy to say we should be happy we lived at all, and think about all the moments we treasured between our struggles. But maybe we only get used to this because we can’t imagine a better option.    Funerals are not only sad. In the middle of sobs I could see smiles, even from my great-aunt’s husband. They are complex, as are the places we are buried. Mass-production and repetition isn’t bad on its own. But when it’s there to cut corners, I can’t help but feel we are being robbed of something higher, and rare, which we don’t always experience.    I get home and my dog is having a seizure, and my brother is drunk. Shortly after my dog has two other seizures. Life and death are both unrelenting.

[pbandjesse]

I requested to work from home today. I had a pretty terrible night. After coughing my brains out I woke up at 3am with a horrible sore throat again. I got up to get a drink and ended up kicking the end of the bed and cutting the top of my baby toe so bad it was like a flap. I was literally crying which is not something I do often for pain. I startled James awake but they took care of me. Got Neosporin and a bandaid and put a sock on my foot to keep it safe and j cried until I fell asleep.

I was beside myself though when I woke up. I tried not to over share why I was so upset but I was not emotionally able to go to work. I would work from home and Alexi was really kind about it.

I would sleep until 9. And felt slightly less like I was going to break into a million pieces. I did not feel good but at least I could be in bed when things were to much.

I had my breakfast while I worked on my laptop. I did a lot of research on turtles today. We may or may not have the turtle workshop on the 2nd but I wanted to have the worksheet packet ready.

I learned that there are 21 species of turtles in Maryland. With 3 of them being non-native and 5 being sea turtles. Amazing. I found some fun facts. Like you can tell the gender of some turtles by their eye color. And that terrapins were almost made extinct because people ate them so much.

When I wasn't doing research I was working on some craft practice. I attempted to use my new soldering iron but absolutely was not having a good time with that. I sometimes can use a soldering iron but I learned to solder with a torch and I really really struggle to get even heat with the iron. So I was very frustrated. But I'll try again another time. Today just wasn't my day.

I would finally have the space on my desk to work on my dad's pants!! And I finished that pretty quickly, despite some issues. I have never been very good at putting in zippers. But really it's that I don't have a foot for that. But I did my best. And I think he will be really happy with them. Also just being able to wear pants with his fake leg. I'll have to go visit them soon so I can give him these.

I would continue to work on my turtle research. And thinking about programing for the summer. I collected the last of my materials for my workshop tonight. I would draw for a little. I was feeling really down. Just emotionally just so low.

I took a very late lunch break at 2. And ended up falling asleep until 3. I felt slightly less morose when I woke up. I finished some stuff in the computer and went and ate a sandwich. And then my day was over.

I was freezing. I got in bed and tried to warm up. At 415 I went and made Mac and cheese and James let me know they were on their way home. I hoped we would cross paths before I left. And we did!

I was really happy to see them. Hugs and kisses and they helped me carry my stuff to the car. And then I was off.

I got to creative alliance and met with Parker about an upcoming project. Doing dioramas with kids. I hope to write up that proposal tomorrow.

After our chat I worked on setting up my program. And would run through my example so I could have a better idea of how I was going to teach this. And slowly people started coming in.

I have 10 people in the end and it went so well. Everyone was so kind. Some people had backgrounds in embroidery and cross stitch but not in regular sewing. And we would spend the first hour learning a running stitch, a whip stitch, a satin stitch, a woven satin stitch, and a ladder stitch. I would also show them a blanket stitch. And after we left the hoops I had set up everyone made a felt pin.

There were hearts and leaves and moons. The one guy in the class made Mr Yuck, which is a poison control thing? James recognized it right away. And while everyone was working I was walking around problem solving and then the people who brought things that needed mending we workshopped how that might work. And even had a few people interested in private lessons. I'm thrilled. I had such a good time.

Besides the sewing it was also just a lovely space to have conversations and I just felt great. I was able to use ally energy to not be falling apart. But as soon as I got in the car at the end, after everyone helped clean up and I said goodbye to the nice girl at the front desk, I started coughing again! And really really wanted to go home.

Thankfully I'm only 6 minutes away now. It was raining a little but I was feeling so happy it didn't bother me. I felt icky and tired but emotionally I was great.

When I got home I realized we need a wreath because in the dark I found it hard to see which one was ours. But quickly I was inside and with my husband and was very happy.

James was making Mac and cheese. And made me a little quesadilla. I got changed and looked at my toe for the first time and it was not as scary as I feared. James had bandages it well and I think it stuck the flap back on. Hopefully it heals quickly.

I got a shower and washed my hair. The water was a little cool still but I struggled through. I cared more about being clean then comfortable. Because now I am in bed and I'm really comfortable so it was worth it.

James is here. Sweetp is already asleep. I think I am going to try to sleep now too.

I am going to go to work tomorrow. And I'm determined to have a good day. And then Celia is coming over after work to make art together. I'm excited to show she the house.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. I love you all. Sleep well. Be safe. Goodnight!